#343: Meet the Progressives

You wanna go to Bleaka Street at 2 a.m.?

All right, I'll take your vomit and you biz.

Hashtag putting makeup on my dad.

Unless you're blind, you see color.

And I don't want to fucking hear otherwise.

There's a...

James, indeed.

There is all sorts of.

Got me all worked up.

Tell them, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em Steve Dave, where we're in the middle of what we call toilet talk.

Walt was shopping for new toilets.

What happened to two new toilets?

Two new toilets.

What are you eating over there?

That's here.

You need two new toilets at the same time.

My house is built in 2003.

These are the first new toilets since we've moved in.

But I understand toilets should last longer than 13 years.

Well, that's 14 years.

Well, it depends what you're...

Depends what you're doing on the toilet.

Eats a lot of pizzas

and cheese is

lining up the pipes.

But it's not even the pipes.

Well, how long do you think a toilet should last?

The toilet in my house in the basement now, it's been running on 25, 30 years.

And a toilet to my friend's house, original to the house, and that was built in the 1920s.

Well, I'll

tell you this, though.

I think that when my house was built, the builder probably didn't put in the inside.

It's just on the toilet.

No quality toilet.

Put the low-quality toilet in.

But the portion of the cell.

But is it the inside, like the flushing mechanism?

You're talking to the unhandiest man alive.

Well, why did you have to replace it?

My wife goes, we need to go get new toilets.

That I understand.

Toilet boy, get over here.

But when you flush it, what makes it not work?

It's the chain,

which we've gotten replaced a couple times, but then it starts leaking, and it's just time toilets off the chain.

Hey, man, I'm with you.

Hey, Q.

Yeah.

Says here.

okay, I'm going to read about toilets a little bit.

All right, let's get into it.

A low-flush toilet is a porcelain unit with a detachable seat and working parts in the tank.

Sounds like what you have, Walt.

Working parts in the tank are normally made of metal and plastic.

There are also feed pipes that run from the wall pipes to the tank and the wax seal that prevents the toilet from leaking all over the floor.

The parts with the shortest lifespan are the working parts inside the tank.

Once those parts start going bad, it's best to replace them.

But that should take 15 years.

So, did you move into your house when it was brand new?

Yeah, 2003 was built.

So that's an original.

That's also a kit, though.

Like, you could just replace that easily.

Well,

I will be upfront, though.

This is the first time we're replacing the whole unit, but over the course of the years in the house, we have replaced the inner workings of the toilet.

Not me, but a

traditional plumber.

But, just jarred my memory.

I bet you I'm the only man at this table who has actually replaced a toilet or helped another man replace a toilet.

I bet you'd be wrong about that.

You did replace the toilet, and you had to get that wax ring just on right.

And if you fuck the wax ring up,

it's a shitstorm.

You got to start all over again.

Well, Edgar was doing it with me.

So I didn't do it myself because I would fuck up that wax ring just like that.

Oh, yeah, I did, too.

I helped Debbie's dad replace a couple toilets.

He's like, ah, for Christ's sake, I wish my daughter was a lesbian.

The pressure that is put upon you when he's like, okay, if this toilet doesn't go exactly on the right way and it

hits the wax ring,

we got to start completely over again.

And it'll take hours and hours of work.

And so, like, you need someone else to help.

Yeah, that pressure of like, because you know, if you, if that wax ring gets fucked up, you know whose fault it is.

It's my fault.

It's 100% not the guy who's doing it for 40 years.

Yeah, he's never fucked a wax ring.

In the history of wax rings, in his experience, he's like, it all goes smooth.

But now there's a fucking

almost a literal monkey wrench thrown into my work.

This is who I got to deal with.

And it went on smooth?

Yeah, this is the guy my daughter accepted who could fucking get a wax ring on.

And I am proud to say that

that wax ring was intact

after I laid that porcelain thrown on top of it.

Nice.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

It was one of my prouder days.

Just because I.

In terms of that kind of shit.

Yeah, in terms of like it being handy.

In terms of toilet-related toilet.

Like, most people are very proud.

Unless you're two and you're like, hey, he's the toilet for the first time.

People don't really, or like they take such a giant shit that, like, I can't believe this this came out of me and then they take a picture of this yeah

you've got to see this because it's fucking astounding

you should work in a firehouse you get those fucking photos every other week

it's good you put that wax seal on correctly Walt because it says it can last for more than 30 years so long as the toilet is not moved and the seal is not broken so the guys who make the wax seals must be sitting around just hoping that people fuck up right because they're like otherwise we're not going to sell another one for 30 years they'll be retired by then yeah I think they're all right though yeah Oh, the new construction, man.

That was wax, you know, somebody's got to be doing that constantly.

Some lady came around my neighborhood the other day.

There's always construction going on in town, and they wanted to build apartments in this one area that's sort of

residential.

There's not really apartments there.

She came around with a petition, and she's like, here are the reasons that

there shouldn't be apartments here.

And it was like parking and traffic and all this other shit.

And then one of the things was like

more drugs and crime.

Now, you're talking about,

I think it was like 15 units.

And

as an apartment dweller at one time, I was like,

that's a weird, broad generalization to make.

Is it low income?

Is it low income?

I don't even think there is low income in that town anymore.

No, everything is real expensive.

But yeah, the people who are going to be living in these apartments, because they're up on the hill, I'm sure are going to be like commuters or something.

Yeah.

You know?

White-collar crime at most.

That's what you think.

But they might be cheating on taxes behind.

I know they do, but

more drugs are coming into the community.

But it doesn't matter where you move, an apartment or a house.

I've done drugs everywhere, baby.

It doesn't matter to me.

I do them in a technical.

She is not wrong.

But in all likelihood,

it's

it's a good chance that if there's 15 new units,

let's say even one person

may be abusing drugs.

Using or abusing?

Abusing or using.

So you're saying that half the people that move in are out of control?

I said using or abusing.

So if there were 15 houses in a row,

then you're still going with the same number of odds, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

So then it wouldn't matter.

If you build houses there instead of apartments?

Right.

If

you built 15 houses, then by going.

Well, I think the argument there is you could probably only put two houses on that property.

So if they put houses instead of apartment buildings, then you're only getting most two drug abusers.

Yeah, at most.

So you're saying that the drug argument holds, that these apartment dwellings cockroaches.

I'm saying that she's probably like, I think she was reached at that point.

She's like, I don't know, probably more drugs.

There just wasn't anything on the list that I was like, I signed the petition anyway.

I was like, fuck it, fine.

Like, because I know her husband, he's the right guy.

But I was like, it's really, I don't know if this is, do petitions matter?

Nah.

Like, locally?

If it's zoned for that.

I doubt it.

She was worked up, though.

It was like her thing.

Does she have a job?

I don't think so.

She's probably just looking for shit to do.

Yeah, neither do I.

I'm not fucking running around petitions all over the place.

You have a job.

You just worked today.

Yeah, it's true.

Yeah.

Congratulations, Walt.

Beginning of season seven.

You never saw a beaver so eager as Walt Flynn.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, he was so excited.

I had to come here early.

I had

a bump under my eye,

and I had to get it.

He was attacked by a rogue gnat.

Yeah, I don't know what happened.

I got this big, like, I haven't had a blemish on my face since, I don't know when, but on the first day,

of course, something happened.

What is it, a mosquito bite?

I don't know, a mosquito bite or a pimple.

I couldn't figure out what it was, but my eye was swollen.

I had to get my 14-year-old, who's like super adept at makeup.

I woke her up and I was like, Can you get the redness out of this?

Put makeup on me.

She just starts screaming.

But I'm going to say it right now.

And like, I told her while she was doing it, I was like, you know,

I'm so proud that we're like this new 2017 family that a daughter can put makeup on her father.

And it's a she's like, I feel like a mortician.

You're so old.

Your skin, I just, no matter how much powder I put on it, it just sinks in and

it's like a desert.

Is that what you said to her, you liar?

I swear to God, I was like, you know, I said, like, I couldn't do this with my father.

I said, I couldn't put makeup on my father.

It's so awesome that we live in a time now that you could put makeup on your father, and it's not a thing.

I said, it makes me almost brings me to the sky.

But you made it a thing by even mentioning it.

Well, I wanted to acknowledge because I know in her head she was thinking that, like,

that's a fag.

He's a secret fag.

Oh, no.

This is just the beginning.

Next thing you know, he's going to call Caitlin Jenner on me.

Don't ruin it, man.

It was a beautiful moment, man.

It really was.

It's like one of those, it's one of those things that, like, I said, you couldn't, like, in our growing up, it really would have been like no one would talk about it.

But now I talk about it proud.

I want to let the world know.

I came in and go, my daughter put makeup on me this morning.

I told the whole crew.

Oh, yeah.

What the hell did they react?

I don't know.

Everybody, everybody, get it around.

around.

I have something to say.

I have something I want to say.

I'm proud of.

Being a 2017 man and dad,

I'm wearing makeup right now.

I mean, she should have stopped before the lipstick.

I mean, you did look good.

It was just too red for your complexion.

Yeah, but I think it would be really weird.

Like, my father was a construction worker, so if he's put makeup on me, I'd be like, um,

all right.

But he had a blemish, just like he had a blemish, and he didn't want to go to work with a blemish.

Yeah, he's like, I don't want all the other construction workers to notice this little bug bug bite

and mock me.

Yeah, I think it makes more sense, not because you're a 2017 dad, but because you're on TV and you're like, I don't want to go on with this bump on my eye.

It'll be distracting.

I think if you had no bump on your eye and you started like bugging her to make you up every day, like you're constantly waking her up.

It doesn't matter what year it's in.

That would be weird.

Like pretty, pretty, pretty.

Well, she goes, you want me to do, she says, you want me to do the other side?

You want me to do this and this?

And I was like, yeah, I go.

She goes, I can define your cheekbones.

It's like, I don't want to go, I don't want anybody to notice I said that.

But yeah, go ahead.

Do whatever you want.

It's 2017.

That's all it comes down to.

Look at that calendar.

You don't even need to ask me these questions.

No, no, no.

You do whatever you want.

I wish she made you look like Rocky Hard Picture Show and shit.

No, she's got it.

I mean, she's really artistic, and it shows in her makeup.

Like, she gets compliments every time we go out to eat by the waitresses.

And so she does crazy stuff with her eyes and everything.

She's really good.

I noticed when we went out, she had, like, she's a very stylish kid.

She's like a

style, so like, so like she's not afraid to do what she wants to do, and she's not worried about the

what every other kid's doing.

Right.

Yeah.

Which is not putting makeup on their dad, I guess.

No, that's good, but that's that's just it.

You know, I told her like she could tweet this or text it to her friends if she wants.

Putting makeup on hashtag, putting makeup on my dad.

Did she do it?

Yeah, I mean, new thing.

Yeah.

Oh, it's the

Now you should start bringing all your friends over like at Sunday Jeff in the chair.

I was like, I'd like some cheekbone definition.

I just think it'd be a better place if every dad

got makeup put on by.

Dude, I hate to

break this to you, but the number of times so you just put like nail polish on me without any bug bites or extenuating circumstances.

It's a wonderful gesture on your part, but.

It was like, don't you dare fucking tell anyone.

I'll kill you.

But it's okay to not stop at the fingernails.

We can go up higher.

You can put nail polish on your elbows.

Right, yeah.

Like, I'm like, it's 2017.

Put it in my eyes and mouth if you want.

You can go

into makeup now.

You don't have to play the hard ass.

But you've been wearing makeup for seven years already whenever we do the podcast.

This is nothing new.

Yeah, but like, you know what I mean, though.

He looked like a French nobleman when he came up with the rousy cheeks and shit.

I was was like, hey,

socks.

He had his fucking thigh eyes on.

I was like, wow, he really went for it.

No, you did look good.

She did do a good job, though.

She's going to do it tomorrow, too, if I wake up and it's still here, which feels like it is.

And what happened?

It's because you went to the fireworks, right?

I went to the fireworks.

I was attacked by gnats.

Who historically don't bite, but somehow.

Yeah, they bit me.

Maybe a mosquito?

Uh-huh.

No, I don't know what it was.

I don't know if it happened there, but we were getting attacked by gnats and mosquitoes, and it may have been there, or it may have been when I was sleeping, or it may just be as.

You should have just all started smoking cigarettes to keep them away with the smoke.

Like your whole family.

Well, they don't like smoke, right?

Like, that's why people burn campfires and shit, like, it keeps bugs away.

I didn't know that.

It was horrible, though.

It's boring, right?

Fireworks?

Well, you get there, like, we got to get there at, like, 7:30, and it doesn't get dark till quarter to 10.

Really?

So you're just sitting around like milling around with people.

It's just like,

it's just boring, yeah.

And then when the fireworks start, you're just like, oh, yeah.

This is why I didn't want to come back.

Yeah, it sucks.

Totally boring.

But yeah, we did our first day, and it was uneventful, I'll say.

Did you guys?

Well, just jumping back to the 4th of July, because I've noticed something.

When I was a kid on Staten Island,

everybody had fireworks.

It was the day, this is not an, I swear to God, this is not an exaggeration.

The day after the fourth, July 5th, you would walk out into the streets and it would be ankle-high in discarded firework rinds.

And

was that like that here or no?

Where I lived,

there was a kid two doors down.

His name was Pete Patak, and every year his family would go down to south of the border or thereabouts, and they would come back with a bunch of fireworks and they would sell them to like neighborhood kids.

But this is not that.

Everybody had a stockpile of fireworks.

And then Giuliani came in office, and it fucking stopped on a dime.

He got on the news.

He was like,

we're going to be confiscating all fireworks.

You're going to get fined.

Do not do it.

Do not test us.

We have more cops than we know to do it.

And it just stopped.

And for years,

not a peep on the 4th of July.

Now.

The Blasios and they're like, fuck him.

Two things happened this past week.

I'm walking around Manhattan and I am noticing that Manhattan is going to shit again.

There's graffiti everywhere.

I was in Manhattan this weekend, too.

Dude, graffiti everywhere.

I was in Manhattan last week.

I'll tell you something I saw.

The garbage cans are over fucking flowing.

There's garbage in the streets.

There's graffiti fucking everywhere.

And we're walking around, and it smells.

Everything fucking smells.

Like what?

Like garbage.

Like piss garbage.

Like the city's like going backwards.

And

I said it.

I was like, this is fucking weird.

Like, I have not seen the city look like this.

And then the 4th of July, yesterday, all my fucking neighbors, not up to the pre-Giuliane levels, but all my neighbors are blowing up fucking fireworks.

Maybe you're just taller, and it's still the same amount, just up to your ankles.

Dude, something's going on in the city of New York,

and it's not good.

It's bad.

I saw when I was there a couple weeks ago to do the Eric Nagel show, I saw something that I never thought I'd see in the streets of New York, in the streets of Manhattan.

And it's like, you know, the

youths who ride motorcycles without helmets doing wheelies and shit?

I saw two guys doing that.

That's fucking crazy.

It happens in Baltimore.

I have a buddy in Boston, this cop Joe, I know.

He told me that

these guys will ride mini-bikes and shit and dirt bikes out onto baseball fields while kids are playing base, like Little League.

And they're like, we can't chase them or arrest them because they're so afraid somebody's going to get killed or whatever.

So these kids just fucking rut.

There's a documentary about it, 12 o'clock Boys.

It's called

fucking nuts.

You wouldn't want these guys.

They're the real deal, yeah.

Like,

we couldn't pop wheelies on our bikes if we tried.

These guys are riding wheelies for like five fucking blocks.

And I saw that in New York.

You sound like.

You smelled piss in New York, Walt?

I didn't.

You know, it was just crowded.

A lot of weed.

A lot of marijuana.

Yeah,

I saw

a lot of that.

How much makeup were you wearing on your mother?

He was on the stroll.

I hate the city anyway.

It could be clean.

It could be smell like a rose, and it still would be anarchy.

I don't feel that way.

I hate it.

But you sound like you're not happy that the fireworks are in your neighborhood now.

No, no, the fireworks I didn't mind.

The fireworks, I think, is kind of cool.

It's one day, everybody has fun, you lose a finger or two, but that's just the idiot, so who gives a shit?

But to me, it was just another sign

that

New York City's going in the wrong direction.

I fucking can't tell you how

New York City's been fucking so clean and so crime-free.

And now I'm just noticing it going in the wrong direction.

Like, I'm starting to fucking worry, man.

Like,

it's upsetting.

Maybe you could threaten to pull, like, you know, pull the

show out of New York.

I don't think that wouldn't work.

I don't think anybody would give a fuck.

Who said it?

Yeah.

And I don't want to blame anybody because we do need a permit to shoot the TV show.

So I don't want to point out.

I bring it up more as like a thing to like, if anybody is listening,

that's going on.

So I'm sure, you know, people in power fix it.

I don't want to blame anybody.

I don't want to blame.

My daughter, like, we were supposed to go away before the shootings began to a little vacation, but we could never really decide anything.

So we just took an unplanned boat ride over to

New York, and we had no plans, and we just did things as,

you know, on the spur.

And we got tickets to a show.

What did you say?

Charlie Chocola.

Charlie Chocolate.

That was horrible.

Oh, you didn't like it?

I swear to London, I was like, this is so unbearable.

I've never seen the movies, any of the movies.

I didn't know the story.

So it was all new to me.

So I was like, eh,

you know, I thought it looked okay.

But was it still have the thing where it's like you don't even meet Willy Wonka until like the second act?

Yeah, yeah.

And then like for some reason his factory is all gray and like ugly looking, except for like two rooms.

Well, it was the

it was hard to for them to have the set the sets for the factory.

It It was kind of like there wasn't really a lot of set work for the factory.

It was a lot just little things that came down.

Yeah, it didn't look good.

Yeah, they didn't put a lot of effort into the factory set.

I thought the only thing that looked really good were anytime they introduced the kids and they had like those numbers where they introduced the kids or when the kids got like when he got sucked into the T V.

Yeah.

I was like, those are good, but I was like, the rest of it's so bland and like you don't even meet Willie Wonka until after the I was sitting around going like, are we ever going to meet this motherfucker?

Because it's his chocolate factory.

And you never meet him until the end.

Yeah, but I mean, I got half-price tickets.

Okay, that helps.

So that was it.

To me, it was, and it was hot as fuck.

So I got to go inside a cool theater for two and a half hours.

And that killed a big portion of the day.

And

you just walked around.

But you didn't notice garbage pouring out of it?

I got to tell you, I'm not looking down at the garbage.

I'm just looking around to make sure no one's going to knife us or anything.

So I just want to get in and out and keep, you know, keep your family alive.

You like Snake Pluskin just trying to fucking escape from that shit yeah i hate it i gotta agree with you i said to nagel i was like i like coming in and talking to you guys i hate the fucking journey here there's nothing pleasant about it and once you're here it's nothing but traffic and tourists and fucking pedicab assholes who apparently i was telling q the other day i was i was waiting in in traffic at uh this light and there's like a pedicab in front of me and they do that thing where they're like they stand up and go forward and go backward and he's doing that and And there's all the cross traffic coming because we're on a side street.

And he has both middle fingers up, giving the fingers to any car that passes until there's a slight slowdown because traffic's starting to back up.

And then he goes across

against the light.

And I'm like, I don't understand this.

They're the scourge of the fucking city, these scumbags.

They're going in and out and weaving and coming like an inch from your car.

And

I don't know who wants that ride.

Like, who wants to take that fucking ride in a pedicab where this guy's given the finger and trying to dart out?

I'm sure a lot of cities are

all the same, though, right?

Or do you agree some cities are more pleasant than others?

Well, I love New York City.

I don't think it's not pleasant.

I think it's amazing.

Yeah.

Okay.

I love the piss smell.

Well, I'm a little disappointed with ladies.

But I mean, you can't get a better place in New York City.

There's no city like it in the world.

You were just in Paris.

Paris, beautiful, doesn't hold candles in New York City.

What's so great about New York City?

I'm not saying that in a conversation.

No, I know.

Well, I mean, it is to,

you know, there's always something going on.

There's always fun things everywhere.

The amount of culture you could see there, the amount of people that you can meet there is pretty exciting.

The city looks cool.

I don't know.

I just dig it, man.

Vegas.

Vegas is fun, but Vegas is more of a like, I'm going to go there and party and fucking leave and lose money behind.

New York, you can do anything.

London's great.

I love London.

Nothing touches New York, huh?

I don't think anything touches New York.

I don't think so.

It's also like compact New York.

London is very spread out.

Paris, the same thing.

Like, to get anywhere.

It's like LA.

Yeah, it's like New York is like, build up, build tight.

keep it together.

Everything's got cool history.

Everything's all right.

If there were like half the number of people in Manhattan, I think I'd like it better.

Yeah.

And if Times Square was still dirty again.

I used to think the same thing, but now I don't know.

As you're older, you're like, I don't want the.

I don't think so.

I used to love the meat packing district, man.

It was fucking crazy.

It was awesome down there.

It was like skelly, and there was always blood in the streets for the meat and stuff like that.

And the bars were rough and tumble, and it was really like run down.

And now it's like LA.

It's like there's high-end, there's nothing but high-end fucking clothing stores and restaurants and shit.

And I used to be like, this is bring back the old but I'm starting to see a little old New York creep in and I'm like I don't know maybe I was romanticizing the war years old New York is yeah

that was the other thing when I was going through Times Square the number of people that dress like say Elmo or any number of characters

that

are doing such a half-assed lackluster job.

Like,

it's literally a step away from just putting on a Ben Cooper mask and being like, I'm Batman, give me money to take a picture with me.

And they, like, harass people.

Yeah, they're not good.

I don't know why they're allowed to do that.

There was a guy with some rubber mask on.

He was Spider-Man, and it was just a rubber mask and the dirtiest suit ever.

Because that's how they make money.

And there's going to be some special interest group that if they're like, hey, this Spider-Man who smells like piss and is potentially violent,

he should be allowed to fucking confront people to take pictures of them.

See, that's the sort of thing that Bloomberg would not have put up with.

No way.

Giuliani would not have put up with.

Would have been like, get this fucking shit out of me.

Who is this de Blasio guy?

Like, why is he in there?

I thought people didn't like him, yet he keeps winning.

We need Ed Cock.

He's only one one in his name Dinkins.

This is his first.

Dinkins.

Fucking, what are you kidding me?

Dinkins, you might as well light a fuse in the fucking city.

Watch it blow up.

That guy didn't get shit done.

Dinkins was the worst.

But even like, even Giuliani and Bloomberg were not good for unions.

Like, oh, my God, every time the contract negotiation came up with the fire fire department, it was like, we're going to get fucked.

All Juliana cared about was crime.

He always wanted to bust.

Juliana cared about crime.

Bloomberg cared about profitability.

But under that umbrella was making sure people want to come to the city.

He would fuck us on contract negotiations, but

I think the city was so fucking nice.

I was like, yeah, what are you going to do?

Like, that's what it is.

We'll just wash the piss away with your hoses.

Yeah, but now I don't know what's going on.

I don't know enough.

Is it just a sign of being older?

Well, this new Q, who used to be a family?

No, the garbage and is not

good.

No, not in the streets.

Come on, we've been on Bourbon Street lots of times, and you used to be like,

suck in those fumes.

Yeah, that's the smell of vomit and piss mixed together.

But that's again, you go to New Orleans, like I expect to smell vomit and piss.

Right.

Like, that's a party town.

Certain parts of New York City, you want to go to Bleaker Street at 2 a.m.?

All right, I'll take your vomit and your piss.

But I was fucking walking around like nice parts of Manhattan and the garbage pails are just overflowing.

And I asked the garbage man, You ready for this?

I go,

why is that happening?

And he said that the previous administration had garbage pickup three times a day.

Current administration, once a day.

Cost.

Right, but where's that money going?

Come on, Walt.

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know.

You thought you knew something.

Q, you're a modern-day businessman.

Oh, yeah.

You run a business, right?

I saw you on the cover cover of Entrepreneur Magazine.

Yeah.

So I'm wondering, are you hiring?

I only hire off ZipRecruiter, bro.

I can't just have you roll up on me and ask for a job.

All right.

Well, I'm going to have to submit, you know, tender my resume to ZipRecruiter because that's where people post their jobs to find the best candidates.

With ZipRecruiter, you can post your job to

100-plus job sites with just one click.

Their powerful technology efficiently efficiently matches the right people to your job better than anyone else.

That's why ZipRecruiter is different.

They don't depend on anyone finding you, it finds them.

In fact, over 80% of jobs posted on Zip Recruiter get a qualified candidate in just 24 hours.

Q, you were right.

You were right to not hire me.

ZipRecruiter seems way better.

Yeah, look, I love you, but I can't just hire you.

Right.

You got to go through the proper channels.

Yeah.

Well, actually, we're trying to hire you on fucking

after party, and you're like, you're fucking.

I know.

My agent's holding up all the work.

What's going on, man?

Yeah,

it's of course it would conflict with the one time I have shit to do.

The other fucking 10 months out of the year, I'm like just picking up my phone randomly, hoping you're on the other end.

Yeah, but

we only need you for like an hour.

That's it?

Yeah.

I'll tell.

The episodes are only a half hour long.

I'd be like, let Mike and Ming handle this.

You know, he'll say yes.

Just Zip Recruiter,

you can post jobs on it for free.

A trade-free.

I don't know how ZipRecruiter makes money doing this, but hey, God bless them.

They figured it out.

ZipRecruiter.com/slash TESD.

ZipRecruiter.com/slash TESD.

Try for free.

Go to ziprecruiter.com slash T-E-S-D.

I just got some very unfortunate news.

Whoa.

Hot off the fucking press.

I always thought I was 1% black.

No, you're not.

Turns out I'm only 0.4%

sub-Saharan African.

Well, I might have you beat, buddy.

I think you might.

I'm 99.3% white.

European motherfucker.

You fucking oppressing piece of shit.

I just learned I'm the worst kind of person.

White.

Why are you looking for a person?

Because I was looking for the spots on email.

I was looking for the spots on our email, and then I saw my 23andMe just came through.

99.3% European, 0.4% Sub-Saharan African, 0.1%

Middle Eastern.

Al-Akbar, friends.

Less than 0.1% South Asian.

We're the same.

Oh, wow.

Look at that, man.

Well,

Middle Eastern and North African, I'm 4.5.

My ancestry timeline.

British and Irish.

Wait, how far back does it go?

1700s.

I don't even know what this means.

Well, yes, I am wondering where my 6.2% French and German ancestry came from.

You're a fucking piece of garbage.

My great-great-grandmother was a French whore.

God damn it.

I didn't think they told you stuff for it.

Do you ever have any interest, Walt?

Finding out your

ancestry?

There's not many relatives

I like alive,

let alone find out, you know.

Well, no,

it doesn't tell you about

your relatives.

It just tells you like you're

I think it's overrated.

Don't you want to know that you're all white?

Lineage is overrated.

All that matters is

how you live your life.

Are you progressive or are you

not afraid of that?

You know that doesn't mean all this is to Emerson, Lake, and Palmer, right?

Yeah, I'm not interested.

It's meaningless to me.

I I gotta be honest I was really hoping I was more black than fucking not less yeah it makes you cooler

Don't it just make you cooler?

It does

I wanted to now

I remember

the dude the fucking Vegas dude the Jimmy the Greek Remember he lost his whole career because he said that thing about black athletes and that shit.

When I played basketball a lot in high school, I wanted to be black in the worst way.

Look, there's a reason that there's 10 black guys on a basketball court because they're faster, they can jump higher, they're better at it, whatever the fuck.

Right?

Am I wrong?

Yeah, but that doesn't mean just because you're

sucked, but in my mind,

in my mind, I would have been

a lot of guys who

are black or not in the NBA.

I mean, it still takes a certain skill level.

Yeah, I know, I know.

But

you're coming at it from a 49-year-old point of view where

I was 13 or 14.

Oh, am I?

I was 13 or 14.

I'm trying to tell you.

Oh, I thought you were so progressive and open.

I'm telling you, Lily.

But you're not.

I want it to be anything but white.

Stop pigeonholing people, though.

Like, okay, well,

certain people are good at basketball.

And certain people are good at,

I don't know what, chess.

Or certain people are good at.

Smart people.

Smart people?

Certain people are good at hockey.

White people.

Excuse me.

I'll pigeonhole it.

Give it to me, baby.

I'll pigeonhole it like that.

Yeah, but don't be proud of that.

Oh, okay.

Don't doubt that.

Yeah, you should be like, because you know it.

No,

there is no such thing as certain people are good at this and certain people are good at this.

Or certain people are better at certain things.

There is.

That's not true.

It is true.

Then why are fucking nine out of ten NBA players and NFL players and like all the fucking good players you're telling me that most NBA players are not

especially the good ones.

I don't, you know what?

I watch the NBA finals, and I got to be honest with you, I don't notice what color they are.

Oh, shut up.

You're such a fucking

color me.

I'm a wall.

What color is that guy?

What's

the King James?

Is he black?

I don't even know.

Oh, I'm sure you don't.

James, you mean LeBron?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It doesn't matter to me.

I didn't notice which guys, you know, which guys this guy is.

You didn't notice LeBron James was black.

That That is the biggest bullshit that anyone ever says, like, I don't see color.

Shut the fuck up.

Because even people who are colorblind can still see in black and white, right?

I would imagine.

I saw, you know what, though?

Unless you're blind, you see color.

And I don't want to fucking hear otherwise.

There's a, I mean, there is.

Brown James, indeed.

There is all sorts of

got me all worked up.

I'm so mad about only being 0.4% black.

I saw a whole bunch of different color.

Oh, it explains why I saw.

what colors did you see aside from white and black

uh maybe you're colorblind

what other colors would there be there wouldn't be so there are these white guys with weird eyes yeah

a bunch of albinos that'll be something an all albino team i'd watch them yeah this is this is dispiriting man this is demoralizing

What is that?

You're not black?

Yeah, well, only 0.4%.

I was hoping for a little more.

Well, I wouldn't worry too much, dude.

It wasn't helping you, hurting you.

No, that means all my relatives are racist and they wouldn't bang any black chicks or black guys.

But isn't it all about

jerks?

Isn't it all about

who you are is what's inside,

not what's on the outside.

So you can see

you feel more empathy or

when you feel when you feel like not empathy, but like you.

What's it called sympathy not sympathy um catastrophe no you

when you feel the same way you yeah empathize not empathize

symbiotic I can't think of the right word

you just it it doesn't matter what you could say you could say you're anything as long as you live the right way you're right it's 2017 I'm black you can be fuck yeah yeah I don't think that's gonna go over well either

as long as you as long as you act the right way.

So they're not going to respect that.

Who's they?

Whoever?

That girl, Rachel Donzell or whatever, like the chick who was like, hey, I'm black.

She's like the head of the NAACP or some fucking weird shit.

She's fine for her.

Oh, yeah, that went real well.

I don't think it was fine for her.

Oh, she got in trouble?

Of course she did.

You can't just say that like I did.

Let's see, Rachel.

Oh, wait a minute, though.

How did she get the job, though?

Doles out.

Because she tricked people.

I don't know.

Her skin was pretty dark.

Didn't she take some?

Well, she like teased out her hair.

Let's see.

She's an American.

All right, this tells you a lot.

Former civil rights activist and former

Africana studies instructor.

She was president of the NAACP, okay, chapter in Spokane, Washington.

But she had no, she hadn't, she was 100% white.

There was no black heritage in her DNA at all.

It says, okay, here.

She came to media attention when her European-American parents stated that she was a white woman passing as black.

The statement followed her report because she was, yeah, she lied about it.

She lied about other aspects of her biography and about alleged hate crimes against her.

Is it, would it be.

Was that a hate crime you just committed against me?

Saying I couldn't be black?

Yes.

It's busted.

Is it more

problemsome if you lie about being a different race?

It's kind of hard to get away with it.

I don't know.

Like, I could sit here and be like, I'm black.

I'm not sure.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't know the rules.

I don't even want to guess because

we're probably.

You could say you're a woman and you're a woman.

That's all you got to do is say you're a woman and feel you've always done it.

You do it all the time.

You know how many women's rooms I've been in the past couple of years.

That's not going to help anybody.

But I don't think you can say that you're black and then just be black, even though logically.

your heart's in the right place and you know

you're 100% for

the

cause or you're feeling your heart that you feel it.

You just feel it.

Just because it's not your skin isn't dark enough doesn't mean

you don't feel that you don't

identify.

That was the word I was.

You would have no cred, though.

That's the problem.

Even though she was doing all these good things,

I'm sure that in her role as president of the Spokane Washington chapter, that's where Gary Origway was killing all those hookers, until she got busted, she was probably, like you say, her heart was in the right place, but she was

telling lies and

gaining personal

gains from doing this.

Was she profiteering off of this?

Probably not profiting.

I don't think she's making a ton of money being the president, but maybe,

you know, I'm doing well.

I'm doing God's work over here, helping out all the black folks who couldn't help themselves.

Really, she was taking the job away from a real black person who wasn't even the president.

That's a good point.

That's the problem.

That's the point.

But I don't know how to answer her, man.

She might be fucked up, dude.

What do you mean?

It says when she was a teenager, her parents adopted three African-American children and one black Haitian child.

She said she was born and lived in a teepee and said that her family hunted for food with a bow and arrow.

I think as soon as I heard that, I'd be like, I don't know if this chick would be president.

It sounds very weird.

She said that her mother said that she and her father briefly lived in a TP in 1974, three years before she was even born, and all her claims are totally false.

She was raised as a Pentecostal.

Those are the wacky frequency handlers, right?

What's that called?

A habitual liar?

She could like a pathological liar.

Oh, that's that would be called.

But she was doing good.

I guess, but at the same time.

Oh, wait, she was copying art.

Well, she was at least accused of that.

I think if 10 years ago.

Can you take that away from me?

I think, like,

but

stopped in a while.

I think if, let's say, 20 years ago, somebody had told you, look, a dude is going to decide that he's a woman, and

you have to accept that.

Or, like, people will come after your career and your job.

Like, that is it.

You'd be like, what are you fucking crazy?

That's not.

Did you hear the news that there was a baby born with the first no sex?

Yeah, I did see that.

And did you see the gender?

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

No genderless baby.

Now, I wasn't sure by reading the story because I'm not really, I don't want to.

It's 2017.

I don't feel like it.

But I wasn't sure if that meant the baby wasn't born a gender, meaning that it was like it had no genitals.

Yeah, they wouldn't put it on the birth certificate.

That's what it meant, right?

Well, because.

Right.

Well, I guess in Canada, they have a health document that say,

well, it was born in British Columbia, the baby, outside the medical system.

It did not undergo a genital inspection because I guess these two parents must be transgender.

So they're like, hey, we got to sign sexes when we were kids and we're both transgender.

I thought Owen Benjamin had a good point where he's like, if this kid gets kidnapped, watch how quickly these parents are like.

It's a boy.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

This is the kind of shit.

This is what I hate about 2017.

The makeup, I'm okay with.

This is fine.

But

I guess the woman's name, or one of their names is Dodie.

They were unable to receive a medical number for the baby.

The child has also been denied a birth certificate.

Dodie's lawyer, Barbara Findlay, who does not use capital letters to spell her name.

That's how fucking special people need to be.

Like, hey, I don't know if you noticed, but there are no capitals in my name.

And that's a proper name.

So I just need you to know that, like, I might be the first person in Canada to do that.

It's on my driver's license.

You can see there's no capital B.

Why does she not want capital letters?

Can you imagine that decision?

Like, you know what?

I thought about it for a while.

I wasn't brave enough.

I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it.

And you know what?

When CNN writes a story about me, they're going to fucking mention it.

What the fuck?

The only thing I think is crazier than that is giving a fuck.

I don't care.

Like, I just don't give a shit.

You want to have a little excuse?

I had to say it because they're like, people are going to think we didn't use capital letters unless we fucking point out that this lady is like, hey, hey,

when you spell my name, do not use capital letters because I don't use them.

Capital letters are my enemy.

Should I start doing that?

Will I set myself apart from the rest of the pack?

I don't know, dude.

What difference does it make?

Why don't you just use all capitals?

Amen.

Yeah, like every letter has to be a capital.

Yeah, they're all of equal importance.

Why should just the first letters of each name

stand out?

Yeah, and I'm going to use my name, Brian Lee Johnson, at all times.

All caps, like internet shouting, here I am.

Don't ignore me.

Better not ignore me.

You see all those caps?

That means something.

They went out of my way.

Oh, it's so nuts.

I also heard

down

on the social medias that

there has now been,

I think, internet trolling has been

classified as an addiction.

Really?

I've been addicted to several things, and I'll say that's one of them.

Really?

No.

But no, they've classified.

Did you see that episode of South Park where

what's his name?

Kyle's dad

becomes addicted to

trolling people.

He has like three computers going, and they use a Boston song.

Like he's playing the computer keyboards.

it's fucking amazing but do you

do you guys

put any credence in the medical community stating that it can be

an addiction yeah I think anything can be an addiction sure do you and they've also done a study some medical community did a study on people who troll yeah and they say they are

it's a mental illness well if that's true then it's not their fault

well I come on what do you mean

I know for a fact.

I knew it from the very beginning.

I knew Dr.

Halloween was mentally ill.

Dr.

Halloween?

The guy who fucking went always on Reddit, fucking writing nasty stuff.

Definitely was mentally

the mental

ill person.

Actually, anybody on the team who cares who writes bad stuff about us

mentally ill.

Maxwell.

He's the one that Maxwell had the beef with, right?

He was one of the more prolific ones.

He may be institutionalized

Because I haven't heard from him in a while.

But I believe anybody that's shitting on us?

Well, anybody who shits on us on the red site, I believe is mentally unstable.

Yeah, they should be classified and thrown away into an asylum.

I mean, yeah, I mean,

if they, yeah, yeah.

Tell them Steve Dave Town Mental Facility.

It'll be like a Victorian torture chamber.

I mean, if they electric shock,

I wouldn't lobotomies.

Anything.

Anything that would good to poor people.

Yeah.

they're lost souls.

There's a Reddit user.

It says right here, Walt, you're right.

Yeah.

Pen Asshole Solo.

I never heard of this.

The Reddit user who took credit for a GIF that depicted Donald Trump clotheslining a CNN logo.

Which I guess he later

apologized for his history of racist, bigoted, and anti-Semitic posts online.

An anonymous Reddit user apologized?

He used offensive terms.

Nothing.

Followed by 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 asterisks.

Wow.

I don't know what that is.

Wait, and then it says goat fucker.

Only the U is missing.

But then it says F

1 2 3 5.

Are you reading complete sentences?

Are you just skipping?

1, 2, 3, 4, 3.

These are the offensive terms he used.

Goat fucker is an offensive term?

I guess so.

Yeah, that's probably.

But offensive to who?

He was

the Middle East.

Yeah, that's what he was aiming it at.

Goat fucker is a slur against the Middle East.

They raise goats on the ship.

I've never heard that before in my life, allegedly, according to Asshole Solo or whatever his name is.

And I don't want to stigmatize

mental illness.

No, mental illness.

So if you are out there and you're writing bad things about Telham Steve Dave,

go see a doctor.

Don't be embarrassed.

It's okay.

2017.

You can admit that you're mental fucking.

He's still writing bad shit about us?

Yeah.

After the trial?

Yeah, and it's out there.

Is it really?

But I feel now more.

I used to get annoyed by it.

Now I feel sympathy because now I realize that they're, you know, bat shit crazy.

Okay.

So you feel bad for them.

Yeah, and I don't think they should feel

like embarrassed about admitting it and finally just taking action.

I mean, that's the first step.

Right.

Go get C.

Please tell me what

means.

F, then four asterisks T

F for is it

what are they to this faggot?

Is he dropping a faggot cell?

Oh, yeah, you're probably right.

Yeah, yeah.

Are you sure he wasn't talking about cancer?

He didn't, it wasn't followed up by cell, so no.

I think he was just trying to get a picture of the colour.

Oh, speaking of which,

the episode, the new episode dropped yesterday, right?

Okay, yeah.

With less than 24 hours,

someone recited the poem in person.

To the five or a ten, yeah.

I don't know what it was.

Actually, a new wrinkle in the Baron von Flanagan poem, a new thing that Gidem is now my Renfeld.

Okay.

Or Renfield.

Renfeld.

And you must give him the money.

Okay.

Because I feel dirty then taking the money.

But if you give it to Gidham and then Gidem tells me that there somebody wants to recite the poem.

Oh, then you get the money from Gidem and you feel like you're washed.

So he made a little money already.

Yeah, I think it was $10.

I can't remember.

Wow.

Yeah.

What fact was it?

Oh, there's there's more public libraries than McDonald's in America.

Wow, that can't be true.

Laid that out.

No, it's true.

How's it possible?

What do you mean, how's it possible?

Look it up.

There's like a McDonald's every block.

Well, there's a public library in almost every town.

Yeah, but I

love Augur.

I'm surprised.

It sounded like you were.

No, just surprised.

Just surprised is all.

Yeah, but I thought that was

shocking that it happened that quickly.

I was almost unprepared.

You're already $10 up in this game.

$10?

I think it was $10.

I think it was.

I can't remember what it was.

You know what?

I'll show this to you later on.

There are more public libraries than McDonald's in the U.S.

I can't believe you looked it up after I told you, as Barron said.

I can't believe that you felt the need to

be waffling on fucking facts last week.

The fact of Fiend

isn't lying to you, especially when I'm getting $10 for it.

Right.

You know what I wouldn't lie to you about is how comfortable my underwear are.

Yeah.

Oh, they're the best.

Miundis.

Fucking love them.

Miundis are the softest, most comfortable underwear you'll ever wear, period.

Does that mean while you're on your period?

There's no way that Miyundis makes period panties, right?

They should.

They definitely should.

They should make it for both sexes.

It's 2017.

Right.

I got my makeup on.

I'm not going to have a period.

But I wish I printed a period.

Yeah, I bet you do.

You're so fucking progressive.

Summer is the perfect time to upgrade your underwear drawer.

I mean, I swear I saw a string hanging out of his fucking fly the way he's acting.

I mean, but

I did have a string hanging out, but I wish I was there for just not for symbolic reasons.

I wish I could actually.

You're in solidarity with your sisters.

Have you ever heard such a load of horse shit in your life?

Girls, girls, gather around.

Debbie, come here.

I need to show you something.

I feel your pain.

Just once a month put a tamp on it.

Every girl is like, I wish he fucking had a period too instead of me, stupid asshole.

Like, what a fucking, what an unfriendly thing for God to do to a woman, right?

Like, once a month for decades,

your life is going to suck for like how long?

Three days or five days?

Like a week, maybe?

10 days?

11 days?

Oh, six days.

There's got to be some sort of movement we we can do to start something like where we self-mutilate ourselves and bleed for a couple days just for the just to who else would we self-mutilate besides ourselves?

Well, just to do something, just to show that we understand and we sympathize with what women are going through and just so we can somehow feel

bloody too.

Well, usually I do after I got into a spirited argument with Suzanne.

It's not my blood.

I have dealt with some

women who got around that period and were

very emotional at that time.

Well, that would give me

to the makeup and shit.

2017.

I would embrace my emotional side.

It would give me more reason to get emotional.

I would feel I could do it with more.

You could just freak out for no reason and be like, hey, I'm on my period.

That doesn't sound chauvinistic in the least.

Women love it when you say that.

You're just being emotional.

Oh, boy.

I like how everything backfires.

I don't know if he's trying to be.

No.

Because it's not sincere.

No, it's so insincere.

I got my pads all picked out just in case someday.

Every pair of Miundis, in case you forgot what we were talking about, is sustainably sourced,

made with fabric that's three times softer than cotton.

Do you think Miundis will ever move into like five seven maybe even ten times softer than cotton?

I think it's far

three times softer softness meandies will push it because I have seen other like copycat companies.

I'm not going to name them here.

Yeah, it's disgusting.

Bullshit.

Yeah.

And they're not boring.

A lot of times you buy underwear and you're just bored.

Sometimes I'll put them on just for hours.

I'll just like giggle and like roll around on the carpet and shit.

It's fun as hell.

Because Miundis come in all kinds of different colors, limited edition patterns each month that always sell out,

which means somebody should be getting fired because you should have a couple pairs left over, right?

If they're selling out, you could always sell more.

Go see them for yourself right now and save 20% off your first pair.

Receive free shipping only at meundis.com slash T-E-S-D.

They have sold over 5 million pairs to date.

Will they ever catch up to McDonald's in terms of

burgers yet?

No.

Because they stop counting.

They're like billions and billions sold.

Yeah.

I mean, it's.

Well, you know what?

I shouldn't say that.

If they stick around as long as McDonald's does, I mean, they're on the right track.

They're definitely up there already.

I mean, they're going to get sold it for a billion dollars, just like everybody else we fucking sponsor, and then they're fucking going to forget about us.

Well,

I don't see that happening.

Not Miundi's.

They've been one of the longest

loyalist advertisers that we have.

I love them, man.

I really do like them.

I threw away older pairs of underwear the other day.

Not meundies.

Fuck no.

No way.

I'll die with every pair.

I'm getting buried with every pair I have because I don't want anybody getting at them after I'm deceased.

They're like, well, look how soft these are.

Why wouldn't anybody want them?

Who the fuck knows, man?

I'm fucking famous.

Get 20% off your first.

Get 20% off your first pair plus free shipping at meundies.com slash T-E-S-D.

That's meundies.com slash T-E-S-D.

Q.

that's meundies.com slash T-E-S-D.

Nobody will accuse me of not fucking saying the code.

No, not this time.

No, not this time.

Oh, Q, I went to the movies.

I saw a baby driver.

Oh, how was?

You know,

I didn't love it as much as I think everyone else seems to.

Everybody seems to really love it.

The kid, the baby driver.

Why is it called Baby Driver?

Because his name is Baby, the kid.

The kid who drives.

Basically, the story is he is in Dutch with the crime lord

who's played by Kevin Spacey, and he's going to drive a certain number of jobs for him because he's real good at driving

until his debt is paid.

Okay.

So Baby Driver,

who spells his name with all

no capitals

at all.

He meets a girl, and it's almost too cutesy.

That's what bugged me was like the romance.

I just want to see Baby Driver driving around all over the place.

And And they did use a song called Baby Driver, but not Kiss.

Was it a cover of that song?

No, it seemed old.

Like old song, yeah.

My point being not really about Baby Driver, which is okay.

But I saw the Dark Tower trailer.

Oh, man.

Holy shit, that looks good.

You think it looks good?

I do.

It's so different from the book.

Like, I'm worried.

I haven't read any of the books yet.

This summer I was going to read the entire series, but that trailer looks cool.

It doesn't have the same tone.

I mean, I love the way he fucking reloads in it.

That's awesome, right?

That's awesome.

And I have no problem.

Like, the barrel almost looks like it's.

Yeah, and I like

Idris Alba as him.

Like, to me, that's fine.

I know a lot of people are upset because he's black and they cast him in that.

Now that I'm so white, I think I might have to get upset by it.

Nah, it's fine.

I mean, unless you were going to go into that time machine and get Clinton.

Maybe drive it by something.

Like, unless they were going to get a young Clint Eastwood to play him, then it's really not going to look because he's described exactly as Clint Eastwood in the books.

So, whatever.

But it just doesn't look, the tone doesn't look

correct.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Because it's a real desolate.

It's not an action.

It's not a horror series, which is why I strayed from it.

It's not horror and it's not action.

It's kind of like a real, like, I mean, it gets a little actiony towards the end.

Would you recommend it?

Oh, like to read.

Love it.

You loved it.

They are probably the books I've read most in my life.

Really?

Yeah.

The Dark Tower series.

That's no fucking small feat either.

There's a lot of books and a lot of pages.

I think there's 12 books, yeah.

They're fucking great, though.

Yeah, Baby Driver, it says here, had

44 songs in it.

It's all about music.

The kid was just too, like, he was too cool.

He was like Ferris Bueller, who didn't talk as much.

Yeah, he had a lot of flair and shit.

I don't like people with flair, like people who fucking use all lowercase letters and words and shit.

Fancy toilets.

People with fancy toilets.

What did you ever go with?

You never said.

You were texting your daughter.

What model toilet did you get?

Yeah, you were texting your daughter.

You were trolling your daughter, basically.

What is it?

Home Depot Depot toilets?

No, it was Lowe's.

Lowe's toilets?

I was at Lowe's.

I don't know.

I was just, I was, there's a lot of choices, but I was really just texting her just to annoy her to be like.

You're trolling her.

Yeah.

It's a mental illness.

You're addicted to it.

You're mentally ill.

You're going in there with the rest of the bedroom.

I wanted to give them the option.

It was their bathroom, and I wanted them to have some input, you know, because that's the kind of dad I am.

I just don't want to make the decision.

It's 2017.

Your ass is going to be sitting on this toilet, too.

did they say did either girl have or your wife did anyone care

my wife made the do you remember how much you paid I think it was like $250 how much I only know what toilet oh there's one for $136 you overpaid there's one for $132

maybe that's the one I did though all I know is it was two toilets I think it was $800 to have an installed and purchase an installed did you get like a couple bucks off for buying one with a seat that doesn't need to ever be put up

I said, rivet that fucking sheet down.

It's 2017.

I thought, I'm not going to buy it unless it's riveted down and I can never lift it because it should never be lifted.

Can these pipes handle my tampons, sir?

So you went with what model?

I want to see the model.

Yeah, I want to see the model.

You never invite me over.

Come on.

I don't know what it was.

I have to.

Text Emmy, see if she can take a picture of it for you.

I told my daughter, though, I was like, because I you don't want to you don't want to make an official TESD toilet?

Then I mean, it was probably the

biscuit.

It was called the biscuit, I think.

The biscuit biscuit?

Yeah, I think it was called the biscuit.

Something the whisker biscuit?

No, it was called

Cimmerin biscuit.

Cimmerin, like fucking Conan?

Isn't Conan the barbarian?

Not spelled like that.

C-I-M-A-R-R-O-N biscuit.

Biscuit toilets.

Hold on.

I'm looking right now.

It's Kohler, huh?

Kohler.

I think it was.

That was the only brand they had, was Kohler.

All right.

It was just a regular old toilet.

It is.

It is for a regular old family.

There's a lot there.

Whoa, it's $400 online.

That's without expert installation.

No, it was.

It was a bad chip.

$400 toilet.

Fuck yeah.

That's probably one of my first fucking $2,000 dogs to take a shit in.

Jesus.

Something over here.

Look at this guy.

It was a corner.

He's shitting like a champ right now.

It was like a king.

But

it just saps the energy and the will out of me going into

one of those

home improvement stores.

One of those giant box stores.

I feel so inadequate.

I feel so

emasculated.

And it has nothing to do with the string hanging out of of your thigh.

It's just my lack of knowledge and my

know-how is just

on display for all to see and laugh at when I walk in.

Do all the tough guys.

They're just making fun of me.

Hello, boys.

I'm here to buy a toilet bowl.

They make fun of me like I'm not even in the room.

They talk about me like I'm not there.

The workers, too.

They don't care.

Wow.

They know I can't do anything about it.

They're like, he's back.

He, she's back.

Like, all right, ugly as she, that's more than meeting you halfway.

Really?

You feel like, do you ever want to take a class?

You ever want to do that?

I want to take like a mechanics class, like to fix a car or a motorcycle.

I'm not good at any of that shit either.

But like when I grew up, I don't know what it was like for you guys, but my father was always like, it's easier if I do it, which was true.

It's not like he was wrong, but that's why I don't know shit now.

My father.

Because he was too frustrated.

Just never did anything.

He just let the house sit.

But I tell you what I did recently do.

I had a day off.

I washed and waxed my motorcycle.

I washed my car.

And I took old doorknobs and I got

metal power.

Oh, that'd be fucking funny.

And I brought back 100-year-old doorknobs.

Yeah.

And I felt like a fucking man afterwards.

I was like, all right, I forgot what this is like, like doing things for yourself.

You were wearing a bikini while you're washing your car.

Not this time.

Not this time.

Bikini car wash with high school girls.

It's really a thing of the past, right?

No, I hope not.

What?

When's the last time you saw a bikini car wash?

Because it used to happen.

Strip clubs used to do it too, remember?

They would like raise money for chips.

It's different than high school girls.

Like a strip club, I kind of would still understand if they did it.

But like high schools in the 70s used to have them.

That's when the fucking, that's when America was on the right path.

Yeah, man.

Everybody was still high from

the bicentennial.

They're like, who gives a fuck about bikini car washes for underage girls?

Somewhere along the line, line, somebody was like, whoa, whoa.

We can't sexualize these girls.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, we can do it, just not at car washes.

We can do it on TV and magazines and music.

And that's why my car's dirty.

And he never, that's why my car's been washed for fucking 20 years.

Since 1978.

What's wrong with the world, Walt?

You always want it to return to its roots.

I don't know.

Not that part.

That's the seedy part of the world.

What, the bikini car wash?

You're out on the bikini car wash?

I mean,

I'm shocked I have to even say it aloud that I have to say it, that it's sexist.

To be fair, I've never actually seen a bikini car wash.

I don't think I've ever seen one either.

Yeah, I think that might be

like a movie thing.

It's like pillow fight, like

topless pillow fights and sororities.

It's just doesn't happen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was reading the lyrics to Full House today.

They're pretty weird.

The lyrics to the show Full House.

The opening credits?

Yeah.

What put you...

Wait,

hold on.

Don't go yet.

What brought you to the land of looking up?

We had to do a banter for the show.

Okay.

And it was like, what was it, Walt?

It's like, what's your question?

If you could name, if you could have one theme song for the rest of your life, you woke up in the morning and immediately it played to pump you up and get you going.

Okay, what'd you pick?

The Ride of the Valkyries?

Oh, the Ride of the Valkyries.

All right.

I thought at first, until those guys went, I thought it had to be a TV-themed song.

So then I picked something else.

But I remembered the lyrics to Full House.

I was like, I think they're like strangely dark

for such an upbeat show.

And it was,

you know, it starts out like, ah,

whatever happened to predictability, the Milkman, the paperboy, evening TV.

How did I get delivered here?

Somebody tell me, please, this old world's confusing me.

With clouds as mean as you've ever seen, ain't a bird who knows your tune.

Then a little voice inside you whispers, kid, don't sell your dreams so soon.

Jesus Christ.

It's weird, right?

It's for the week.

I will never die.

It's sort of like melancholy anemo-ish.

But it's not sounds.

It's so fucking upbeat.

Yeah, and then it's like Dave Kool-Aid, like, after this, my career is over.

Stamos, the handsome son of a bitch.

He's still handsome.

Hey, you know, didn't that Koolier guy bang Lennis Morissette when she was was like

14 or yeah, he met her in a bikini car wash.

No, I thought she was the one, he was the one that was like, she's like, when I go down in you in a movie theater, so I guess she blew him in a movie theater.

Right.

Because that would have been the height of his career, right?

I guess.

That's really not that perverted.

Not at all.

She really like sells.

She sold that.

Well, she, yeah, she was younger and appealing to a younger audience.

She's like, are you perverted like me?

It's like, perverted.

In a movie theater?

Yeah, that's not perverted.

Around everybody, everybody can see you doing it.

Yeah, like a screening of cars three or something.

You fucking just, well, that's very specific, topped off.

Topped off.

What's perverted about that?

I mean, I may have to re-evaluate your

measurement of perversion if you don't think that being in a public movie theater

and getting a bull job

is not a sign of even in 2017 mental illness.

He's mental illness.

He's it.

What are you talking about?

You're talking about how everybody can see it going on?

Hmm.

No.

I didn't think so.

You're in the, yeah, I mean,

it's dark.

You're under the shroud of darkness.

I mean, in the last row or something like that, and like nobody's looking?

You sneak one in.

Okay, you're in the last row.

I didn't think you were making eye contact with a fucking popcorn.

What?

Make you move.

Yeah, the ushers.

Do something.

Oh,

sir.

I'm getting topped off here.

I know.

Why can't you just wait till till the movie's over and you're in the privacy of the movie?

I think now, to be honest,

I've never gotten or given head in a movie theater.

I'm glad you said that.

That's cool.

2017, Walt.

No, he's ashamed.

He could have been like, I've never gotten.

He doesn't have to go out of his way to be like, I've never sucked a dick in a movie theater.

I'm not queer.

That's what he's saying.

That's not what I'm saying.

Yeah, you are.

I'm giving equal weight to both sides of the equation.

So getting a blowjob is the same as giving one to you.

It's 2017, bro.

Yes, it is.

What am I going to do with these two?

I can't take it.

But I would

think that being in public and the danger of getting caught is probably part of the

never gotten one in a movie theater?

Never gotten one in a movie theater.

You don't know what you're missing.

Really?

It's not too late.

Never given one in a movie theater either.

Yeah, I remember you saying that.

Yeah, no, no.

Ticket prices are way too high now to be

watching the movie and then trying to experience that too, right?

Yeah.

I think I did fool around, but I don't think anything ever popped out of

the shirt action.

Ooh, nice.

Over the pants.

What about a drive-in?

I think I've been to a drive-in once in my entire life, and my parents were with me.

It's always been one of the experiences.

So maybe I gave Heddie back

that's always been one of the things that I always want to experience, like what our grandfathers went through, like in at a drive-in.

Necking and a drive-in?

They never did it.

It's not too late.

There's some in New Jersey.

I know, but

it just

wouldn't be the same.

That's how you put the fire back into it.

Remember, like he was saying earlier today, sometimes he doesn't totally hulk out when he bangs.

So, you know, Ming says he hulks out every time.

Even when he masturbates.

Yeah, even when he jerks off.

Why not tell me everybody hulks out?

In all fairness to Ming, you said that.

What is Hulk out?

He goes, like, you know, like with the Hulk, like whenever he gets out of driving rush, he freaks out and he just goes ape shit.

Well, then this doesn't look like a good thing.

It doesn't sound like it, but the way it came out was

natural and loving.

No, I said, sometimes it's tender.

Sure, it's not tender.

You didn't say that.

So I imply.

Literally, no, you didn't imply anything.

You said half-hearted.

Sometimes I do it half-hearted.

I did say.

So sometimes

I meant more tender.

Oh, okay.

So you don't totally hulk out every time.

Yeah, I'm not like

something should have masturbated tenderly

because you judged him for it.

But

back to the drive-in thing, though.

Yeah.

I mean, it's like,

I mean, that's Americana right there, right?

Yeah.

That's,

and I assume that it didn't get extremely dirty at the drive-in, though.

It was all just

push the boundaries enough without being like illegal.

Hmm.

I don't know.

And you don't want to do that.

You want to do something illegal?

No, no, no.

But I just think, like, the nearest drive-in is like three hours away, right?

Yeah.

To not do something illegal?

So just do something illegal.

Well, what's illegal, though?

No.

You got tinted windows in your car?

No.

You got a blanket or sheet you could throw over it

so people can't see in?

It's all hot and shit.

That's a lot of effort back and forth.

Dude, like, I got my Casper right there.

It is, but I mean, think of it, man.

What?

Just think of it.

It'd be fun, right?

You go down, you go down South Jersey.

Go see Cars 3.

Yeah, you go see Cars 3.

You look around at the kids while you're just leaning back.

Claiming your prize.

I guess it would be a lot of work to go there to do it.

It sounds better in theory, maybe, than in practicality.

Like once you got on the road and you're paying tolls and shit.

The drive-in is.

Man, it's hot as hell in the car.

I mean, hopefully it'll be there when I'm ready.

Bowser swarming, you biting your eyes.

You've got to get makeup all over you.

Still confused about the Hulking outdoors.

It was not a family question.

It was.

It was a motor graph for it.

I'll post it to you.

It was: if Robert Bruce Banner, aka the Hulk,

if adrenaline

triggers the change,

is there a chance that when he was with Betty,

his gal,

would he have to

be worried about, you know, in the throes of passion turning into the Hulk?

I'd say yes.

What would you say?

I would say yes, too.

Yeah.

That he would always have to tell Betty.

She might like that, though.

Well, no.

I mean, if he's the Hulk, he's going to suddenly.

Like, if he's insider.

Wait a minute.

She might like what?

That he can't become the Hulk?

No, that he Hulks out.

I don't think any.

I don't think.

Look, in my experience, every girl loves when you Hulk out.

What about like Mr.

Fixit?

You don't think he ever banged anybody, Mr.

Fixit?

I don't think.

He was banging Vegas whores one after another.

Wait a minute.

Top off this great dick, he would say.

Is that what he said?

Yeah, I heard him.

Without a doubt.

I think if

Bruce Banner was getting busy with a super-powered

female superhero or male.

2017.

No earless.

I think he'd be more inclined to let loose, but I think he's got

a normal

human being.

I think it would be very

irresponsible of Bruce Banner to ever let himself get too excited.

Yeah.

He would have to keep it like.

Once he came anyway, he'd probably just turn right back into Bruce Banner.

Yeah, but by then it's too late for her, right?

Because

if he's, like I said, if he's like mid-coitus and he holds out and then his giant green boner

could do physical damage.

I don't have to tell you.

We didn't get that graphic.

All right.

I didn't think so.

I think the game seemed like we got shut down.

We kept it clean as possible.

So you think that Bruce Banner just doesn't have sex anymore?

No, I think he does.

You You think he does?

I just think it's got to be like tantric.

Or it's got to be with like a pig so he doesn't get too excited.

Tell him, Steve David.

Because I want everybody to fuck it.

I want that to be the last thing everybody hears out of your mouth.

Me too.

Sick piece of shit.

He's acting like it's still 2015 anyway.

Fucking guy.

Powerless,

turning.

You won't change a thing now.

You're talking in your sleep now.

And I am watching you awake.

Foundations

burning.

Nothing we can do now.

We're living on the edge now.

There's nothing left to learn.

I know that it's my turn.

But my eyes are starting to butter.

I need an inspiration,

a dream destination.

I know that it's my fault

that my words are coverless.

But I need more navigation,

a dream destination.

Resonate

through this.

Hold your breath a little longer.

Your mind becomes a little stronger.

And I am waiting by the door.

Follow me into the unknown.

Passing this twist in a turning.

Where there's a fire burning,

there's something left to learn.

I know that it's my turn.

But my eyes are starting to burn.

And I need inspiration

and dream destination.

I know that it's my fault

that my wounds are colourless all.

But I need more

vision

and dream destination.

I know that things might turn,

but my eyes are starting to burn.

I need

inspiration,

a delay.

I know that it's my fault.

The bones are covered as over.

A demon

nation,

a dream.

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