#342: The Rebranding of Baron Von Flanagan

He's still gotta make eye contact with everybody else, too.

What's going on?

Like, it never occurred to me, like, this isn't going well.

Can you get me mix and board into the ore?

Tell him Steve Dave.

Hello and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em Steve Dave.

I'm here, Waltz here, Q back from Gay Pri.

Yes.

And Sunday, Jeff, special treat.

On a Sunday.

Yeah.

What are the chances?

Who would have thunk?

I like that.

Yeah.

So, uh,

successful business trip, was it?

Already?

Out there in France?

We're already starting.

Have you read the article, Walt?

Jokers were met with

a yawn.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

How quickly you forget.

It's only been two weeks since.

Oh, boy.

Yeah,

the Post, very reliable source of news, owned by Fox, I believe, right?

I don't know who owns it, but they are definitely

a reliable source of news.

If you want news, like

the first page will be, like, the front page will be something horrible, and then you open it up, and the next page is like some model who happened to be in town, and then the third page starts the rest of the news.

yeah uh but it was claimed that the jokers flew all the way to france to for what what was the reason for going we got flown to there's a big like uh television festival there like um the television equivalent of con it is that yeah con line it's called it's in the same place as a film festival so it's going on at the same time no no no it's like it's like the olympics and the winter olympics type thing but it's a big deal it's a big deal yeah a lot of a lot of a lot of people there A lot of people.

If it happened in all television.

Almost all American television.

Yeah.

I don't know why the fuck they fly to France for this shit.

It's beautiful there.

If it's French Riviera.

If it happened in 1980, it would be a big deal.

Okay.

But today it's not a big deal.

No, not a big deal.

I don't know.

I never heard of it.

Almost all of American television.

I don't think we were.

Anybody on CBM invited to

Conway?

I think we were.

Maybe it went to my drunk man.

Are you kidding me?

We can't even get an interview with a local newspaper.

Nobody gives a fuck at all.

Like, nobody.

Like, we have to ask if we want to be on something.

And then they generally say no.

But, yeah, this is

really a TV, like, a bigger deal.

Sure.

Now, is the show on in France?

I don't think it has anything to do with France.

I think people just pick these locations so everybody gets a cool vacation out of it.

Oh, okay.

So it's not about it, the show being interested in.

Sort of like the movie festival.

It's exactly like the movie festival.

Yeah.

So you went there and

the room, the auditorium wasn't packed to the rafters with screaming jokers.

Well, they're like,

let me just paint it.

So you have to go there and you have a set time where you will appear at the festival and people are there to, what, take pictures of you?

No, it's a

panel.

It's a Comic-Con panel.

And they fly us.

It's 45 minutes worth of work.

Like, they fly you out for a week in France, but you only got to work for 45 minutes.

So you're like, well, yeah, I'll do it.

And they got Colin Jost, who's a friend of ours, who is the Sound of Live weekend update guy, to moderate it.

Okay.

Who attends the panel?

The press or the public?

Well, I would guess.

Nobody in this case.

Nobody came to the panel?

That's not the way I saw it, but the Post certainly had that angle on it.

Well,

it's

I don't know.

I mean, there were people there.

I don't know what, like, the article said that there was no one there.

But it said it was 80% empty.

Yeah, I wouldn't say 80% empty.

How many seats are there?

I don't.

I mean, look, there was like

probably 2,000 seats, but including the top upper deck.

Like, the bottom was probably like,

I don't know,

800 people.

And maybe it was half filled.

That seems like a lot of people.

Well, maybe not even half filled.

I'll even say that

the bottom deck, which is all anybody cares about because the top deck's not even in play here,

let's say 40% filled.

Right.

And I read,

you know, according to this source, that one of the jokers shouted out, where is everybody?

Well, that was me.

Okay.

I figured.

And I didn't say, where is everybody?

I was at night with the past.

In a very diminutive time.

No, it was.

Well, this is the thing.

It was two in the afternoon.

It was right in the prime time.

Okay.

Walter.

Prime time of.

Of the day.

Like, people could have went if they cared.

Prime times, I thought, was at night.

I don't know.

We all were all.

What's France you're talking about?

I don't know.

Is there a prime time in France?

I don't know, dude.

I can make excuses.

We were all partying until like fucking four in the morning.

Like, everybody's hung over.

Are you still drunk when you said that?

Where's everybody?

No, no, I wasn't drunk at all.

It was fine.

We all had a good time.

So Sober Q demanded to know where everybody was.

I don't know if I demanded.

I think I looked out there and saw empty seats, and I was like, I just made a joke about it.

I wasn't like, where is everybody?

You weren't dressing anyone down.

No, not at all.

Like, we came out, the place went nuts.

There was a high school trip there that took time out of their day to come.

They all bought tickets just to meet us.

It seemed successful.

Like, it seemed fine.

You seem to be having fun.

I was having a blast.

That's a success in my book.

I was having a blast.

Like, it never occurred to me, like, this isn't going well.

Like, we had a lot of fun up there.

You were just up there with a dopey look thinking that you were a superstar, and everyone else was like, oh, the poor bastard.

Yeah, I guess so.

I guess I fucking.

The post had the report on it.

Now,

how long after the panel did the post story

hit the stage?

We got alerted to it at dinner that night.

Faster than if the United States got nuked.

Now, how quickly does that, how does that come across?

How does that word get to the jokers?

Is there somebody trying to stop that, suppress that?

No, I don't see that.

From you guys?

No.

Are you calling it fake news, Q?

Well, we go to this, like, it's all parties.

It's all like, and like everybody that was there.

First of all, here's the thing: no panels fill.

Like, all of them are operating in that country.

What other TV shows are out there?

Well, they were all, like, there's a bunch out there.

I don't know which ones are out there.

I do know this, like, the panel before us had the same amount of people as us.

Like, it wasn't, it just didn't seem like anything went wrong.

If the Jokers couldn't draw, the comic book men go out there.

Oh, my God.

It's, it's like.

Does the Post even bother reporting on how few people are there?

Do you think the Post has an agenda with

because we were hanging out with editors from the post.

This is why I got to kind of hand it to him.

Benedict Arnold.

He didn't even know.

No,

I got to hand it to the post because we were hanging out with a bunch of people from the post.

Editors and whatnot.

Their kids were fan of the show.

We took pictures of them.

We took videos for one post editor's son's Bar Mitzvah.

We did a lot of pony show shit for the post.

So you're saying that they have integrity?

Because you did all that and they were still

relying.

Look at these ass classes.

Yeah, yeah, which I was kind of like, oh, that's pretty cool that they did that, I guess.

Oh,

you know what?

I mean, it had to be an unbelievably slow Newsday for them to report this show.

Well, I don't know that this particular article and this particular woman who wrote the, I think more people are hearing about it now

than saw it in the post.

I don't even know if it was like the post.

I think it might have been online in their gossip section.

Because it's not about us.

Like, we're not even mentioned by name in it.

Like, and the, and in the, and under the picture, they have this picture of the four of us from season one, and they misspell Sal's name.

And then we're not misspelling

no, Val Cano.

They spell like Val Cano.

And then, like, and then the article did.

Did that upset Sal?

No, we were, well, most of us were laughing.

And then they

proceed to.

I don't know.

Yeah, most of us is not all.

I was like, me and Sal are laughing.

Oh, was it a DEF CON 4 when the

blip.

It wasn't even a blip.

I was laughing.

In fact, I sent it to you guys immediately.

Yeah, you came like at 2 o'clock in the morning and I heard a text come through.

And that's usually never good unless I see it's Giddam because then it's just normal.

Yeah, it's about Columbo.

Or it's about a game show that we're watching.

But when one comes up and it's not Giddem, I'm like, uh-oh, I hope nothing was going wrong.

And obviously,

I didn't reply to it because I didn't know if you were in a good mood or if you were

on the edge or on the ledge.

I don't care at all.

I was like, well, it's like I said to Murray.

None of us were really upset.

I think Murray was a little more concerned about

what people reading it would think because it wasn't accurate.

So I think he was just like, but we went and we did a good job.

So like, I don't want that people did this.

So I think he was worried.

And then, but I was just like, dude, I was like, I immediately called Walt.

I was like, he's finished.

I was like, what do you mean?

My thing was like, does every article written?

Should we jettison him from Tel Steve Dave?

We did the powwow.

We were in the Telum Steve Dave war room for like a day or two.

We were like, pros and cons of keeping Q after this debacle in France.

Yeah, Walt was never so happy that Q the Laughs got torpedoed.

I say this.

I say

on a different day and a not as such a slow news days, it doesn't even get covered, you were just unlucky to not have a dancer fart in an athlete's face that day.

Maybe.

Because that's the kind of news that gets picked up.

The fluff.

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know how to think about this.

Scarlett Johansson got mentioned in it.

And I'm just like, well, what are you guys talking about?

What was she mentioned as like not enjoying the show.

No, it was like dating Colin Joseph, and then it was all about their relationship.

And I'm like, well, why the fuck is that even being brought up in this?

It seemed like the right, you know what it seemed like?

It seemed like the writer of it has an issue with Colin because we weren't even mentioned.

Except to say that I was complaining that nobody was there.

And this video of it, like, you could see that I'm joking.

I'm not like, where is everybody?

I'm like, wow, this is a, I did what we do on this show.

Like, I called it out before anybody else called it out.

I was like, well, what the fuck?

I was like, well, some must go.

Oh, by the way, it turned out that Ian McKellen was doing a panel like down the fucking row.

So it's like, well, fuck it.

I'm not going to fucking.

And everywhere you went, there were like posters of Ian McKellen.

There wasn't one poster of fucking the Impractical Joe.

Sunday, Jeff, do you trust a person that will eat a frog?

They can't be trusted, right?

Well, I mean, are we distrusting the French here?

Are we distrusting the American media?

The American South.

The New York media here for

irresponsible and inaccurate reporting.

I don't think it has anything to do with the people of France.

They were there, they came out for them.

That's just a general question.

The press.

Like, if you eat a frog, there's something wrong with it.

Does this pain leave a bad taste in your mouth about the press?

No.

Should.

Well, I don't think that she's.

The woman that wrote it doesn't strike me as like their most fucking seasoned reporter.

She was a cub reporter who I don't even know if she's a cub reporter because she's 60 years old.

She's been hibernating for four years.

I think she just writes like bullshit.

Could you demand an apology or attraction?

Yeah.

I mean, I guess you could

demand anything you want in life, but I wouldn't bother.

You could get this cub reporter on the ropes, dude.

Do it quickly before she retires from the race.

Could you even talk about, you know, like, could you sue?

You can't.

Like, it's good.

You could cause the ticket sales on maybe on something else to

be affected by the bad press that was inaccurate.

I wouldn't have it unfounded.

You're right.

In fact, I would just read up more on Colin Jost and Scarlett Johansson.

It's unfortunate.

You guys.

My career is ruined.

It didn't ruin the trip, though, for you.

Oh, my God.

I mean, it didn't even ruin the fucking minute that it for me.

The first thing I did is text it to you guys so that we can talk about it on this show.

Well, you know, it's always that thing.

Is it better to have um

kissed or never kissed at least you get at least you're out there kissing yeah compliment yeah you're out there with lips pursed where yeah our you know

we don't even get a we're fucking wallflowers man yeah

if we could get in the room we'd be wallflowers so you know i always got to look at it that way well they flew me out they flew me home they paid for everything i i'm not gonna

well yeah but your beef is not with the with the festival it's with the it's with the media well i guess it's with this 60-year-old woman, which sounds mean.

Hey, fuck it, man.

She wrote it.

After you fucking went to her grandson's bar mitzvah.

I don't think it was her.

It's just weird that she spelled Sal's name wrong.

You could at least demand a correction of that.

Yeah, I should do that.

Yeah, I mean, maybe it's two weeks later.

But, like, sometimes that didn't really appear in it.

Some of the fucking.

Oh, it didn't appear in print?

I don't know.

Was it on the online?

I think it was just online.

But, like, some of the the editors from the post are coming to set this week.

Like, I invite them to set and everything like that.

Well, call him out.

That's a perfect time.

I don't like just fucking in their face and.

Yeah, just be like, whoa, this guy has...

Sal Volcano has not risen to this newspaper.

I don't want to suppress news.

I don't want to.

They can tell the news, but they just got to spell his name right.

That's your name.

Oh, get the name of Perry.

Okay, I'll do that.

I will do that.

Unless you want to leave the wrong name and then people think it's somebody else, and then Sal doesn't have to deal with the fallout of being embarrassed on stage.

We had so much fun.

We had a blast.

You know, a lot of times, this reminded me of the Jokers.

I'm sure that in your travels,

the shows that you do, the people you meet, many people have been like, I'm your biggest fan.

Sure.

Okay.

Now,

I read about this guy.

This is a YouTuber.

All right.

His name is, this happened

a couple weeks ago.

I've been waiting the entire time you've been gone to talk about this.

Austin Jones, have you heard of him?

No.

This might be a guy that maybe one of your, well, your

younger daughter has her taste in music is too good, so she probably wouldn't like this guy.

I don't know what Caitlin listens to, but this is a YouTuber.

Evidently, he's popular.

There he is.

He's a musician?

Yeah, I guess so.

Okay.

Okay.

Very pretty young boy.

Oh, I know his story.

Okay.

Sunday, Jeff, you can weigh in on this.

Now, are you a big fan of anything?

Could you look at any one thing and be like, I'm the biggest fan.

I will put my fandom up against anything.

Any other person?

There used to be.

Yeah, I would say that.

You should be staring.

At one time, you would be like, I'll put my fandom up against any other Star Wars fan.

I would say that.

Okay, did you ever send George Lucas a picture of your butthole?

No.

Okay, well, then you're not the biggest fan.

Because that's the mark of the biggest fan.

Is that the way it's going now?

Is that the way it's going to be?

That's what we've come to.

That's how you prove your

worth.

Well, your love of Star Wars.

Your loyalty.

uh okay well let me tell you

this story is pretty fucked up let me tell you this guy is

um so austin jones is a singer who got popular on youtube by performing other artist material and some of his own so popular that he was a part of the 2015 vans warped tour now have you ever seen the lineup to the vans warped tour i believe um

courage my love was in it yeah i believe that we know some of the we knew one of the bands that

were recently on that tour my my uh niece went a a couple years ago.

I think I talked about this.

Out of 120 bands, I'm like, I don't know one band.

You're out of the loop now.

It's a different way that music connects with kids a lot different than the way it connected with us, even though radio and TV.

And you don't, you know, it's a total different way of bands connecting with their fan base.

Well, let's see how

you like the way this guy's been connecting.

And we never connected like this, not that I recall.

He was popular with the girls because he's a good-looking guy.

He was accused of lying about his age to get some of the underage girls to send him twerking videos.

All right?

Twerking?

Yeah.

With twerking.

You know, and like

Stacey Showis.

Twerk or twerk?

Twerk.

Like you T-W-B-R-K.

Yeah.

You'll actually shake your ass right now.

Oh, okay.

I've heard of that.

I thought you meant twerk, like

twerk of a wrench.

Oh, twerk.

Yeah, you said twerk.

No.

I thought that was a new, like, like a new variation.

Yeah, they're like, hey, man, can we watch you tighten a lug nut on fucking YouTube?

No, I thought it was just a new thing.

It was just an updated version of twerking.

No.

It's where girls just shake their ass.

Yeah.

That's all it doesn't shake their asses.

Yeah, twerking.

Yeah, I thought he meant, again,

I missed hurt him.

So he apologized for this.

He said, I'm embarrassed.

I'd have conversations online with girls that would involve me asking them to create a video of themselves twerking.

Sometimes I'd make videos of myself doing some twerk moves in return.

Here's the truth.

I never asked them to do anything more than send a twerking video.

Nothing ever went beyond that.

Cut to things going beyond that.

Oh, yeah.

So,

and here's the thing: like, you can't lie about online shit.

Fuck.

Whether it's email or texting or YouTubing or any of that shit.

There is.

There is a trust.

There's evidence.

Right.

So

you can say, I never did this, and somebody's like, well, what the fuck is this?

Well, check out this.

What do you think about this?

Yeah.

So

some of his court documents posted online detail the interactions that he had with these underage girls.

The most recent was a 14-year-old who sent the guy 15 videos with 10 showing her naked from the waist down per his request to give him a boner.

These exchanges were called an audition by Jones.

Let's see, how old, did I say how old he was?

I think he's 24.

Yeah, 24.

He kept saying in it to these girls, he's like, well, you're very lucky to be talking to me right now.

How are you going to prove that you're my biggest fan?

And he would get these girls to

send videos and pictures.

Well, here's the exact exchange cue.

Okay.

And you can use this.

For what?

If somebody's going to prove that you're the biggest fan.

Oh, okay.

I got it.

I got it.

It's the new litmus test.

Yeah, okay.

So I want myself on record for questioning what got this man.

Well,

first off, you'd be like, hey, I need you to give me a boner.

Right.

Okay, that's step one.

That's step step one.

Now you say, if you really are my biggest fan, you would do it.

You're doing so good.

I need my biggest fan to be confident.

I have to see your butthole to know for sure that you care 100%.

Spread.

This guy must have.

Did he get arrested?

Yeah.

Spread for a good 15 seconds, he wrote.

I bet you had no idea when you met me that just one day later you'd get to show me your butthole.

How special do you feel?

Now, this is a real treat for her

to show Austin Jones, who I had never heard of before this.

Granted, I'm not the target audience, would he ask me that?

If I'm a big Austin Jones fan, and I'm like, hey, I'm ready to prove it, baby.

Well,

why don't you just send it unsolicited?

I don't know.

I mean, I don't think he's getting email where he is right now.

Well,

you could send hard copies.

That's true.

I could take some Polaroids.

Hard copies.

And then like

I'll separate

disc.

Does this get you hard?

Like I'm 49, so I can only send you floppies.

I don't know how to work the internet.

So he was arrested at Chicago's O'Hare Airport on two charges of production of child pornography.

Whoa, they went to the airport to get him?

I guess they knew that they knew he was flying?

I guess they knew he was flying.

The girl sent him approximately 25 25 videos over a two-day spin, eight of which showed

her exposed genitals.

Which I guess, yeah, I mean, if she's bending over and twerking, maybe you kind of see both.

It's hard to see one with the other.

Is he done?

You think?

Oh, God.

Is his career done?

I think he's in jail.

Is his career done?

Yes.

Salt Benignor.

By the time he gets out,

by the time he gets out.

Well,

how come some guys can get away with that kind of behavior?

Who got away with that?

Sunday Jeff.

The guy who got

the P all over him.

R.

Kelly.

R.

Kelly.

Huh.

I think R.

Kelly was bigger than this guy.

And R.

Kelly.

So you're telling me that

if you have more gold records,

you can have a golden shower.

No, you asked why.

Well, come on.

I'm not offering a fear.

It's a theory that, like, but that don't hold water.

But I think R.

Kirk.

Was she on the rage at all?

That's another P joke.

Well, don't hold water?

Yeah, I do want to acknowledge that.

Was she on the rage, the R.

Kelly girl?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It didn't hurt his career at all.

I don't know.

When's the last time you heard R.

Kelly?

Yeah.

Is R.

Kelly still popular?

I wouldn't know if he was or wasn't.

I don't think it killed his career, though.

No.

Is he done?

I mean, I don't know.

Is he not performing anymore?

You look at him.

I don't know.

No, I'm looking at him right now.

I just write an R.

Kelly.

He's got a whole tour going on right now.

And

people have forgiven him for pissing all over a girl, right?

And is that just because of his body of work?

It's bigger than the Austin Jones.

The Aristotle Tuber guy?

Maybe.

What a world of money.

I mean, it is pretty fucked up.

What a world we live in.

Because you have musical talent and you have some hit records.

It's bypassed.

There's a different standard.

Jerry Lee Lewis.

Double standard.

I heard that the actor from

Ferris Bueller Stay Off, wasn't he?

Yeah, he was also involved in New York.

He was taking pictures of Naked Boys.

I don't think you consider that guy in the same category as

R.

Kelly, that actor.

And I don't think his career ever was like.

He did a lot of movies, though.

Yeah, but after.

Deadwood, he was in Deadwood.

After he was found out?

After that, yeah.

Oh, my God.

But I got to tell you, like, Q, you watched Deadwood.

Did you look at him and think, like, oh, you naked boy picture taker?

You didn't really think about that.

Oh, no, I did.

As Merrick, did you?

Yeah, I did.

I would be like, that's weird that he's on the show.

He's so good.

But I was like, but it's so weird.

He's great.

Yeah.

I thought about him showing up the set and everybody being like, there he is.

I thought the same thing about the guy who directed

R.

Kelly got out.

What do you mean he got got out?

Why he got let off.

He was never arrested because the charges were dropped due to a lack of probable cause for the search warrant.

So he got off on a technicality.

Ooh.

Oof.

I'm finishing bad.

That's a fucking free pass, if ever there was one.

Well, also, they said they can never definitely prove that the girl was underage when the video was shot.

Well, that also, Rob Lowe.

Didn't that also happen with him?

Rob Lowe.

That didn't kill his career.

He went away for a while.

Not really a while.

I mean, but he came back in a big way.

He was in a bigger way.

He didn't get arrested.

Hold on, now I'm looking at Rob Lowe.

Could a comic book man pee on a young girl and get away with this?

I'm asking for Mike.

No, no, Rob Lowe, she was legal.

She was 16 years old, but that's above the age of consent in Georgia.

So it was a moral thing.

And it was two of them, I thought, too, right?

Yeah, it was a, yeah, that's what I thought.

He was not underage girls.

It was just very young girls.

It was multiple girls, right?

At the same time.

This is just saying one.

It's a whole story.

I believe it was a threesome, yeah, if memory serves.

So they were old enough, just like kind of icky.

Privilege.

What's the youngest girl?

Well, legally, he didn't do anything illegal.

Well,

his career wasn't killed by it, though.

Well, why should he?

He didn't do anything illegal.

Morally.

According to whose morals, I don't care that he fucks a 16-year-old girl.

It doesn't matter to me.

What about the urination then?

Well, I mean, they got to get the right warrant.

You know, what am I going to do?

Plus, I'm not an R.

Kelly fan.

I didn't buy a CD before.

I'm not buying one now.

I will ban R.

Kelly for the rest of his career.

Now,

if the good state of Georgia says a 16-year-old girl is old enough to have sex

with an adult, then who am I to argue with the state of Georgia?

There's a big thing going on.

I read an article in Time magazine recently.

I was...

looking to see if our podcast was up there, but no, it wasn't.

It's still not.

No, it still isn't there they were talking about child marriages and they're like we need to like make this illegal and they're like you're talking like 13 14 year old girls i'm like i read that and i'm like wait this isn't already illegal how is that legal how do we come down on like the these middle eastern countries for doing this shit but a 13 year old in this country that's nuts dude even 16 i think like i think 18 across the board right

16 is is is too like think about 16 getting married like you know everybody knows they look at it and they're like you're making a fucking huge mistake.

Marrying another 60.

Well, I think anybody who gets married in their 20s, aside from Walt, is making a big mistake.

Didn't that happen in the 50s, though?

Wasn't people marrying in 16 years old in the United States back then?

In the 1980s.

In the 50s, here wasn't that like the common age.

My mother got married when she was 18.

It's fucking crazy.

My mother.

She was a good girl.

Did it?

I mean, they're still together.

If that's your definition of work, yeah.

Well, how old were your parents?

When they discovered their huge error in judgment,

21, I think.

And they're still together?

Oh, yeah.

They are.

They are.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

I think it's.

You're trying to

take it away, I think.

It was a different time, I think, when people.

They were religious for a while, too.

Like, they were religious all through the 70s.

Yeah, just until I was old enough to be like, fuck you, I'm not going to church.

Like, fuck you neither way.

You know?

But, okay, so this Austin Jones guy, he got arrested.

Here's a really good move.

He waived his Miranda rights and admitted to Homeland Security Investigations, Child Exploitation Investigations Unit, that he directed the girls what to do and what to wear in the videos, that he knew their ages, and that his motive was sexual pleasure, i.e., boners.

At least he didn't fight it.

But come on.

Like, if you do something that fucked up, right?

Yeah.

Now, is that the right move, Walt?

Is that what Rob Lowe should have done?

To be like, fuck my Miranda rights.

I'm going to give you a statement of everything I did wrong here.

I'm not going to consult with a lawyer.

No, I think that's a good idea.

That's like saying, I am an asshole.

But you know what?

I mean, he's

dopey enough to do it in the first place.

Why all of a sudden do you expect him to grow a brain after

when the spotlight's on him?

And

the long arm of the law is

going to get away with it.

He knew that there were transcripts of every kind.

Too much of a trail.

Every email that he sent, everything's on record.

So it's like

he knows he's going to get fucking busted.

Why not just be like, let me just get this over with?

He still has so many subscribers and video views that.

He's not putting up video still, is he?

I don't think so.

But he's earning money.

A lot of money.

You've got to have so many people watching your videos to make money on YouTube.

It's insane.

He's got twenty six million views

in the month of

Wait a second.

Okay, so

twenty six point eight million as of

uh he's still it's he's still putting up videos.

He must be out on bail or something.

Maybe his team is.

What team would work?

72,000 video views.

Is today July 2nd or July 3rd?

2nd.

2nd.

Today.

Today, he has 72,000 video views.

For a guy that was like, show me your butthole for boners.

To a 14-year-old girl.

To a little girl.

He'll be showing his butthole soon.

Yeah, Sunday Jeff.

Yeah, yeah, Sunday Jeff.

He'll make some more money.

Yeah,

let's put him on the stroll.

Would you exploit him?

If, say, you happen to be in jail someday, Jeff, for whatever reason, you're in prison, and he comes in,

would you exploit him?

Oh, yeah.

Let the games begin, brother.

I cannot.

Big pimpers.

Let's talk about the Olympics, huh?

Let's talk about the Olympics.

I never understood the

whole thing.

I wonder if it's all a myth, though, all that prison stuff, because I've never understood how.

Didn't you see it when you went there for one day

in the five minutes you were there.

I know, but I believe those were consenting

who would have done it outside of jail, too.

Right.

But I'm talking about guys who go in.

You're going to get sprung.

You got to go in now.

I believe that.

I don't believe that there's like these hard-ass guys who, you know, they're like ripped and everything.

I can't believe that they really do that kind of stuff to

just show that they're in charge.

There is so much more,

better ways and still humiliating and still brutal ways.

But you're still putting your, even though you're like, well,

you're making a point, you're still

putting it somewhere that

you wouldn't put it on the streets, though.

That Jesus said it doesn't belong.

Right?

I don't know if that.

I'm not sure.

In your mind, what's more humiliating than sucking another dude's dick by force in front of other people?

Yeah, but you're still just humiliating.

All right, right.

But the guy who's still like the guy who's in charge, the big daddy,

he's still got to make eye contact with everybody else too while it's going on.

Right, but he's like, hey, if you don't know, you're next.

Exactly.

But it doesn't, but it doesn't make any sense because it's still like...

You're like, are you still, what kind of front are you putting on?

You're like, yeah, I'm still tough.

And you're like, and you're looking down and you're like,

you're still looking at what's going on.

It's still a bizarre well you're bending people to your will and everybody can see it.

Which end of the stick would you rather be on?

I understand,

right?

When it doesn't went to jail, would you get all ramped up and fuck somebody in the ass?

No.

You want to pitch or you want to catch?

Which one would you rather be?

I believe it's a myth.

And I believe anybody that's doing it probably would be doing it on the outside, too.

Prison sex is consensual.

All prison sex sex sex sex.

No.

No, no.

I believe that the guys who are doing it like they're still, well, they're doing it for power, quote-unquote, power.

I believe they'd be doing it on the outside, too, though.

So you're saying rape in general is a myth.

No, no, no.

I'm just saying, I just can't imagine.

No, that's like, like, that's, like, you can beat them to a pulp.

Yeah.

Why do you got to do that, too, though?

Because you still got to do it.

If you're doing it.

A lifetime term, bro.

You don't want to take out their teeth and shit.

You want to make sure they have a jaw.

I mean, it's in a state

to receive that.

Because it's the only way you're going to get it.

You've got to get it.

Yeah, let's let's say you're a lifer.

Could you, could you?

Me?

Yeah, could you?

I don't think I have it in me to like

force someone to do to suck my dick.

I don't think I've been in it.

I'm going to drive other people.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't think I have it in me.

That's right.

That's right, Prague.

It's like the Arsenio Hall show, like

behind five in people.

But like, you got to be, you got to, you got to be

at a certain state.

Right.

Well, yeah, but you probably like just going nuts in there.

These are people who have probably murdered other people,

have done this before.

So you're telling me you can be aroused by all this?

Me personally?

That would be the hardest.

That'd be crazy.

That's what's really sick about it, is how somebody could be aroused

around all this.

Now you get nine.

I understand what you're talking about.

Now you know where I'm going.

How does anybody who is quote-unquote straight?

Well, again, if you're in there for life, bro, I mean, get aroused at the

how far does a man go, you know?

Come on, don't go there.

Come back to the light, bro.

You got to know your limitations eventually.

Eventually, you'll just be like, you know what?

Enough of this.

After five hours, he's ready to humiliate my powers.

I'm saying eating the cherry ice.

That looks like lipstick.

You lit on your lips.

Get him on.

You don't even have to open his mouth.

I'm just saying.

It doesn't compute.

When

you have a cell block of people watching you

and you're making somebody else do this,

how are you able

to be in a state where it's like you can,

in your head, do you think?

You're not getting performance anxiety.

Yeah.

I can't even do it with a cat in the room.

So I understand what you're saying.

I'm like, oh, man.

All right.

Now, imagine like 30 other guys that you're like.

Criminals.

You're making it.

Not guys.

It's like fucking criminals and murderers.

And you've got to make this point.

Yeah.

And if you're, and if you, let's say you're doing it at, at like, it's, it's not even.

Everybody, humble up, everybody.

Like a room full of gimmicks.

And it's certainly not like your.

And for that post article, I got a lot to prove, bro.

It looks more like

a banana peel than a banana.

Yeah.

I don't think I could do it.

What did you just say?

It's just like the banana peel.

It's just like, it's not the banana, it's the banana peel.

Okay.

Yeah.

But changing you can do it, but then again, I don't think we're talking about people like us.

I understand, but I just can't see how.

I disagree.

Everyone I have sex with is humiliating.

Different class of people.

Yeah.

So Austin Jones trudges on in the tradition of R.

Kelly.

Well, what's the latest?

I told you.

I don't know who he is.

He's 72 views an hour.

72,000 views.

I hope he does videos from Joe Live.

I would like to see that.

Austin Jones.

He's so annoying looking.

He just looks like every, like, he looks like just a Bieber wannabe douchebag.

Like, he has that look that every, like,

like, it's, it's safe, right?

Like, this is the safe look for young girls.

It certainly wasn't safe.

No, it wasn't safe.

Your butthole is not safe around Austin Jones.

Your butthole is not safe at all.

His hair is like, what the fuck?

It's all sweepy.

That was like the Bieber of like five to seven years ago, right?

That's kind of how his hair was.

Good.

Good.

You know, I'm glad he got busted because he looks like a douche.

I mean, even if he looked cool, I'd be glad he got busted.

But yeah, that's if you want to prove to Q that you're his biggest fan, tweet it a lot once.

Had the camera out.

Some companies already tweeted it, even though we haven't posted the show yet.

I've been waiting for seven years.

Finally, I can prove it.

I haven't seen Fitzmann at all.

I haven't heard his name.

Is he still listening?

I haven't really been online.

Maybe somebody will tweet him now and tell him that he's been mentioned on Telm C.

It's been a while since he's been mentioned, so hopefully this gets him back.

Maybe they'll lost some back.

He's like, oh, are they going to tweet my butthole to Q?

That's what they're saying.

No, I saw him recently.

I think he does a podcast now.

Oh, okay.

So he's in competition.

He's on the other side of the.

Q's going to be sending a picture of his butthole to Fitzman.

Got any ads?

We do.

Do nature box.

Isn't Isn't Q looking good?

I think he's been eating some Nature Box.

I am, man.

He's lost some weight.

22 pounds.

He's all cut.

How'd you do that?

Just by counting calories.

That's all I did.

Really?

Yeah, because Nature Box, they have, they put on the thing, the calories on each bag.

So I just, you know, before I eat a whole bag, I make sure I don't know.

But you're a lot of plastic and all.

When I was growing hardercore than I am now, I kept it below 16.

Now I'm giving myself 2,000.

Is that

usually 2,000 is normal?

2,000 is normal.

It's surprisingly not hard.

You could eat a lot of good.

It's what everybody should be doing, 2,000 a day.

Oh, my God.

If everybody in the United States did 2,000 a day, we would look good.

We'd be a good-looking country.

Yeah.

The problem is, like, one McDonald's meal is 2,000 calories or more.

What about a happy meal?

I don't know.

You can get away, man, because I go to Wendy's and I get the grilled chicken with no honey mustard, a chili, and unsweetened iced tea, and it's only like 200.

Yeah, it's like 520 calories.

I had a happy meal yesterday, a kid's one.

Yeah.

I had a four-piece nugget and a little fried.

And

I didn't eat the apple slices, so I wonder if I got an under two.

Maybe the best apple slices, yeah, they're eating.

The best thing to eat in the whole meal.

You don't, you, you don't, you're not a, you're not a guy that has weight problems.

So everybody can lose a little.

It'd be good.

Yeah, sure, but I don't look at you and say, you know, look at all this fat shaming going on.

What's up, man?

What?

Isn't everyone supposed to be happy with their fucking bodies?

Oh, no, everybody interviewed a lot of people.

He did.

He lost weight, too.

Yeah, he lost some weight.

How much?

22 pounds.

So you both have lost a combined 40-some pounds.

Yeah.

I might be, actually, if I'm going to be fair, it's probably like, because I put on two pounds this week, so I'm probably down to like.

Well, congratulate.

That was the

difficulty.

I know

it was a little rough.

The first week was rough because I cut out, like, on the same day, I cut out sugar, carbs, and dairy, like went cold turkey on all of them.

You also lost it in, like, two weeks.

Two weeks, yeah.

Mine was over two months.

That's the difference.

He went hardcore.

Yeah, Dr.

Troy.

You're still on it?

Yeah.

Because after the two weeks, when like you lose that weight, you're like, well, I don't want to fucking stop now.

It's a pretty limited diet.

Like, it's a shake in the morning.

And then you can eat all these vegetables, but you get tired of them.

Limited protein, like half a cup of brown rice a day, that sort of shit.

But at least like the headaches went away.

You know, I was telling Q earlier, like, you know, when I detoxed from Suboxone, that was like a steady thing.

And basically, like, that and sugar are sort of the same symptoms where it's like you get headaches and your muscle aches, back aches, all this shit, and you get in a bad mood, worse mood, I guess.

And

so, like, the detoxing from the sugar was sort of the same.

And it said it could go on for months.

I mean, it hasn't for me, but that's rough.

That would suck.

But you don't have to worry about that with NatureBox.

Come on, man.

I forgot what we were talking about.

Yeah, I could tell.

What do you do when you want a snack, but all you can find is junk food?

Rely on your self-control to resist the temptation.

Please, you eat the junk food.

Nature Box is, they're putting it out there, man.

They know.

They keep it real.

They're keeping it real.

They're like, you have self-control.

Then why the fuck are you so fat, fat ass?

And they're right.

They're right.

Disgusting.

Fucking

gross monster.

Fucking cottage cheese ass looking bastard.

Fucking disgusting.

And they're not wrong.

No, I'm talking about myself here.

Yeah, me too.

So they know, they know that we're going to eat that junk food cue, and they want us to start snacking healthy with Nature Box.

That's naturebox.com slash T-E-S-D.

You get 50% off your first order.

They make snacks that taste great.

That's no lie.

They're better for you, created with all sorts of high-quality ingredients that are free from artificial colors, flavors, or sweeteners.

They should get into edibles.

They should.

That would be great.

Like a Nature Box weed candy bar or shipping across state lines.

The Nature Box commercials end like that.

They recently made their service even better.

You can order as much as you want, as often as you want, with no minimum purchase required, and you can cancel any time.

So wait, was there a time when Nature Box was like, no, no, only this much for you?

I don't remember that.

It's simple.

Sunday, Jeff, go to naturebox.com and check out their snack catalog.

They've got a whole catalog.

Over 100 snacks to choose from.

They're constantly adding new snacks.

Choose the snacks you want, and they'll deliver them to your door.

That's easy.

Now you don't got to walk all the way to the grocery store.

Who wants to do that?

Call to action.

Right now, you'll see even more.

Nature Box is offering 50% off your first order when you go to naturebox.com/slash T-E-S-D.

And that's pretty sweet.

If you don't ever try a snack you don't like, tell them and they'll replace it for free.

Free, man.

Free, Sunday Jeff.

Can't go wrong with that.

I mean, what else do you want?

You said you wanted Sunday Jeff to weigh in on something?

Oh, yeah.

I had this thing

came out with this segment.

Because it was talking.

Last time Q was here.

Oh, can I ask his opinion real quickly on something?

Sunday Jeff, you're the authority on everything Hebrew.

Cheers.

The Lakewood debacle that's going on right now.

Debacle.

Debacle, debacle,

both.

It's tomato, tomato?

I think so.

Twerk, twerk.

So what happened, yeah, twerk or twerk.

So what happened was a bunch of people got busted for

getting social services, you know, all the welfare and food stamps and social security and all that shit, illegally.

Now they keep referring to it as the Lakewood community.

Aesthetics.

Right.

Why won't they say that?

Why do you think they're not going to say it?

Incendiary.

Too incendiary?

They say that round.

But it's true, though.

It is true.

I mean, some of these people are a millionaire.

I mean, some of these people have a lot of lives.

Did you see the houses?

Yes.

Dude, it is insane.

I don't live that far from Lakewood, so I know.

It's insane.

But they just won't say.

They keep saying the Lakewood community.

Now, there are plenty of gang members, upstanding gang members in Lakewood that are not a part of this.

They're too busy robbing other people and shit.

So they just, the newspaper is suppressing the fact that it is

all historical.

We've seen them.

We've seen the hatchet job they did on Q.

You think they're above.

Yeah.

reporting or not reporting

or having agendas.

The press has agendas.

We've seen

it every day.

And the starlings, the impractical jokers like that.

What are they going to do to the

Jewish community?

But it is all ⁇ that's what they mean when they...

But I'm just - it's in an ongoing case.

They probably wouldn't put that purposely just because of that reason because they would get backlash from it, obviously.

But honestly, it's probably, without a doubt, mostly the people that they're talking about.

Yeah, I think it's 100% the people that they're talking about.

But again, it's American dollars that are going out for stuff that's you know that you're paying for.

And guess what?

I have to apologize.

For the second time on the show, I apologize to anyone who visited New Jersey this weekend.

Maybe.

I can't remember.

Maybe it was last time.

You became a fucking weekly occurrence video.

Yeah, it's my weekly apology.

We've got to apologize to anyone who came as a tourist to New Jersey.

All the state parks are shut down because they can't pass a budget because fuck Chris Christie.

Can't get anything done.

But he's down at his

house in Island State Beach Park.

I read.

Is that why the park's closed?

I saw the signs driving down here.

Because they can't pass a budget.

Oh, man.

That's funny.

Bridgegate.

There's a whole park on Staten Island that I played in as a child.

It's Grey Kills Park.

I don't live too far from there.

That's all right.

Staten Island's only seven miles long.

No matter where I live, it's not that far from there.

But I played in there as a child, and it's like

about 10 years ago, they found that in the 50s, 40s, and 50s, they dumped radioactive medical waste there.

So they closed the park pending cleanup.

Like a super fund site?

But it's been there, it's been closed now for about a decade.

It's just baseball fields rotting over, old airplane, like, you know, the old model airplane thing, soccer fields all just overgrown.

Now, can you soup because of the shape of your head?

I don't know.

I don't think so.

Maybe that's what's wrong.

I don't don't know.

It's eating the grass by the fucking swings.

Oh, I don't think it was that.

I don't know.

That was a virus.

Oh, yeah, that was from a handshake from some fucking fucker.

That's why you fist bump now.

Yeah.

And I'd rather not even fist bump.

I'll bet you it was your biggest fan who just got done taking a picture of their butthole.

Dirty Sanchez in his hand.

So what's your.

Well, I mean,

a couple weeks ago, you brought it up earlier.

I'm sure Sunday Jeff's not even aware, but it doesn't matter.

I had the idea about the rebranding and doing the queuing, cue to laughs.

It didn't go over well.

Actually, I'm still getting

flack and

also a lot of flack, a lot of bad,

shitty emails about me trying to curtail you.

Curtail me?

Yeah.

The pendulum swinging back?

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

That I tried to silence you.

I tried to suppress the real you.

I tried to, they're disappointed in me.

Holding them back, though.

I knew signing up for all those email accounts would pay off.

And so I realized I overstepped my bounds.

I reached to, I shouldn't have tried to rebrand.

You flew too high to fucking hang out with Chelsea Clinton, you little bitch.

So, but in my effort to,

because I really want to rebrand something, though.

I want to, and I want to.

Jeff, you work on Saturdays for now on it.

Saturday, Jeff.

I had this idea of rebranding the Baron von Flanagan thing.

Okay.

And turning it in.

I want to try to get it.

That's something that everybody loves.

Yeah, but like making it bigger.

Okay.

And turning it.

I want to turn it into, this is why I want your opinion and how I go about doing this, turning it into the podcast equivalent of Elvira.

Okay.

And you're asking Sunday Jeff for his advice.

I know you're a big Alvira fan, right?

And I, like, I want to, like, I want to start building an aura around the character.

I want to start to a point where I, at one time, or one day, when the CBM is over, when the stash is closed, I can become the Baron full-time and make a living off of it.

I can see it.

Fan Gooley does.

Right?

Right.

Something like that.

And so I thought I would start to rebrand it and give it more of a backstory, the character.

I remember you asked me a couple weeks ago when you were here.

You said, I wish you'd bring the hat and do the Baron thing.

Yeah.

I could see him doing that.

Brought the hat in the first stallment in the new

direction.

They do like quips and

she has the tits out.

You're going for

it all figured out.

I even got

a whole campaign

slow, slow rollout.

Sure.

To

make the Baron,

you know, at some point become big enough to leave.

I had a feeling it wasn't going to include us.

What are you trying to say?

But he needs our help.

No,

I'll still do this, but I could do other gigs on the side.

Like, you know, Elvira has, like, does,

she's like a pitch man or pitch woman for things.

Like, things that are horror-related.

Yes.

That's what I'm saying.

So your writer is like, like, all appearances must be within a 25-minute radius of my home?

No, no.

Like, Elvira goes everywhere.

Yeah, but like, like, she does a, she does, like, uh, Budweiser.

I could do Budweiser.

I don't have to go anywhere.

You could just do a shot.

I could do a location shot of me doing a commercial for beer.

I mean, it sure wouldn't be Budweiser, but maybe it is.

Choose Bruce.

But, like,

live from the bottle dump.

Like a big move to

become the podcasting equivalent of Elvira.

So I think what you want to do is build the brand, not rebrand it.

Well, taking an existing character, but giving it a lot, flesh it out way more.

And that's what I got a little segment here.

Well, that beer company, I'm going to tell you right now, that beer company that I'm working on, still going strong on it.

If you want to do

like a holiday,

like we'll do some holiday commercials for it with the Baron.

Halloween?

Yeah.

Oh, how much can't we do that?

Like when Halloween rolls around, I mean, this year I don't think we're going to be launching time.

But next year I could do the Halloween

holiday commercials.

Yeah, we'll do do some commercials.

Okay.

Yeah, I mean, YouTube commercials.

You could do Talking Dead.

Oh, wait, no, you can't because it was stolen by AMC.

Well, I mean,

I talked to Giddam about this because I've been

helped me flesh out some of these things, and he's like, he's agreed to even try to help me, like, almost represent he'll be your sidekick ghoul.

No, just that, like, you know, anything that you're doing.

You're an agent?

Something like an agent.

Oh, man.

Suddenly, I'm not so upset.

We're not a part of this.

But I told him, like, if it's a Walt Flanagan appearance of anything, you don't get shit.

It has to be

a Baron contract for you to do that.

Right.

Just like Elvira.

Yes.

Okay.

Like, Elvira goes out as, what's her real name?

Cassandra Sandra.

Right.

And when she gets that, she doesn't have to give anybody who represents Elvira any cut.

And nobody gives a shit, though, really, about Cassandra Peterson.

They like Elvira, right?

Right.

All right.

So you're going to have to build the Baron within the next year to Elvira proportions.

Well,

get him smart, though.

He, like you, said the same thing.

Smarter than me.

Well, he's mentioned that many times.

He said, though, that you're shooting too high for Elvira.

You know, target a Svengouli.

Yeah.

And then work your way towards Elvira.

That's really how she started.

So wait, you're talking about usurping these people?

You know, standing toe-to-toe, shoulder to shoulder.

Like, people are like, should we get the Baron or should we get Elvira?

Well, first, there'll be be

not even a crossover.

I mean, I realize there's

a lot of work in between getting on that level.

But let me get, let me, let me shoot, like Yim says, shoot for the Spangooly, and then when, and then when you've got, you know, then when you're sitting side by side with him, then set your sights on Elvira.

Basically, you want to be the Budweiser frogs, move up to what's up

and be Clivesdale.

Yeah.

So I thought, like, something, a neat trick is that anytime somebody wants the Baron to appear, they have to say this little poem.

Okay.

So if you read this Sunday, Jeff, if you read this, this little poem, I have to, the Baron has to appear.

And then I say a little Latin saying.

Just those two lines?

Yeah, just those two lines.

Say the Latin.

But I have a little Latin saying I say

when I appear.

Okay.

Go ahead.

Caveat emptor.

Oh, no, you fuck.

Oh, really?

I didn't even read it yet.

I'll give you a little

bit of it.

It plays upon me as a singer.

No, I got it.

I have to beware.

And it's like, it's a little nugget that my true identity is a single.

Well, why don't we cut that out?

This way you get it.

No, we can't really do any cutting out because Declan is going in for another operation.

Oh, fucking got to be giving it.

I've been recording this in the fucking goddamn fucking format he always asked for.

Yeah, he's going into for an operation on Tuesday.

So

whatever it is, we can't just can't just use that and not cut anything out.

No, this is like four tracks going on.

They have to be mixed.

We can figure this out on mic, so everyone's like, what the fuck?

All right.

Ready?

All right, there we go.

Darkness drown out light.

A pure fiend of fact within my sight.

Like that?

What was it?

A pure fiend of fact?

Yeah.

Within my sight.

That's what it is.

A fiend of fact.

Got it.

Got it.

I like it.

Caveat em tour.

Caveat em tour.

But you don't say it's fine line.

We're not really saying it in character.

You should come out like a plume of smoke and be like,

where's your thunder?

I'm not visual yet until I see it.

Right, which means that you even have to paint the picture even more with your voice.

You can't just say caveat em Tour.

You gotta be like,

that's the charm.

Yeah?

What, dry rub?

No, that's the charm.

I just talk in my normal voice.

But it's because this is what that's where it's like.

That's what everybody loves.

I think Sven Guille does a little different voice still.

I don't think he's.

Even though Vira doesn't do that, she puts on a very low,

sexy voice.

Because it's not high energy voice.

It's not my voice that's going to shock everybody.

It's Baron von Flanagan's insanity-inducing facts

that

are going to put me on a different plane

than any other podcast.

Are you going to lecture people?

No.

That's going to drive them nuts.

No, no.

And from this segment and this initial segment of this, every fact I tell represents a different facet of the Baron.

I was told to build the Baron persona, and I'll explain each one on this initial segment.

But then anytime I do it going forward,

it's up to the listener's interpretation what that fact means to the Baron.

Okay.

You know what I'm saying?

Because I'll say something, and then it's all a facet of the Baron's personality, a fact.

I'll tell you what they are today.

Okay.

Because

moving forward, though, I won't.

But you're asking.

Even up to interpretation.

And this is just, it might be true it might not be no no the facts are all true but why i told you the fact why i told you this fact why was it important it's up to the listener's interpretation to figure out why it's important can i ask a question sure okay

because cassandra had a very clear uh

uh persona you got it right away there was no guessing that's why she was the butt light halloween girl that's why she had the tv shows the movies the the games everything

she was a giant she had joint boobs she was she had like you know, quirky little jokes.

Everything was like sexually tinged.

She's sassy.

She was sassy.

Got it.

So your thing that's going to go toe-to-toe with that is you're going to say facts that people have to think about and interpret and might get wrong.

I feel bad about myself.

And drive them insane.

Yeah,

it just feels like you're asking people to do a lot of work when the path to the success you're looking for is making it as palatable as possible.

Right, but

you have to build upon that.

Like every time the Baron appears,

also another thing I thought about, every time I tell a fact, I let it be known that I bring myself closer and closer to hell.

All right.

So

this is a great personal cost.

So the Baron wants to go to hell or you don't?

I don't.

So every time I tell a fact, though, it's important.

Okay.

Because it brings me one step closer to like, yeah,

I can't come back to this plane.

Now you've got a great mythology going on.

That's what I'm talking about.

Every fact I tell, I'll tell you why I said it tonight, why it's part of the mythology.

Then moving forward, though, it's up to you or the listener to figure out why I told it to you.

But wouldn't the average listener just be like, well, just stop telling facts?

I'm a fiend of fact.

I got to tell it.

I can't stop.

Okay, I love it.

But what do you do after that, though?

You just tell facts?

Or then do you then present the movie?

And then you guys digest them and you guys talk about them.

Oh, so we are involved.

Because, yeah, you guys are involved.

Okay.

Not involved when I move on and become a solo act.

That's what I mean.

I don't think you have to worry about that.

When you're solo, what do you do aside from tell tell people facts that they then have to ruminate about?

What the fuck does Elvira do?

She just stands there.

She just stands there and says to drink beer or here or if she had a comic book or she had an anthology comic book where she presented stories.

I'm on your side.

Right, that's all I did.

I just show up in my hat.

Okay, so your hat, your hat is.

Hold on, I got a charm.

Looks like a bookworm from Batman.

Okay, you got your charm.

I got my charm.

I don't need it now because we're on the screen.

I'm beyond the case.

All right.

Yeah.

But these people don't really do anything.

They don't have a lot of talents.

Well, she's cheeky and sexy and right, and it's great.

And she's a phenomenal and all the props to her.

But when you go

to the chase,

she doesn't really do anything but just appear and lend her name to something.

Would you not agree?

Well, she used to host movies.

Yeah, she married.

I wanted you to do that.

Okay.

Why not?

I mean, you're on AMC already, and they have the Halloween thing.

Kevin hosted it.

Why not the Baron?

Why not the Baron?

Right.

I can definitely have to go to New York.

I got to get a buzz.

I got to get a buzz going.

Charlie's like, who's the Baron?

President of AMC is reading this memo.

All right, let's hear the facts.

All right.

Like I said, I can't tell many because every time I tell a fact, I grow, it's one step closer to I can never come back.

How many facts

can you say before you go to hell?

That's a mystery.

That's up there.

No one knows.

Only I know.

And I'm not going to reveal that.

Got it.

Got it.

But then every time, though, someone says...

Two trillion facts.

Start it.

Hold on.

So he's safe.

Did you remember the poem now?

If you want me to say it, let's start this from the beginning.

Okay.

Okay.

Hold on.

Let's do it properly.

All right.

Go ahead.

Now, am I just going to say you want me to put on a voice to set him up?

No, you're just, this is just any person.

If someone comes into the store, if they recite the poem, you'll put on the hat.

I'm forced.

That's like mixoplays.

They have to appear.

I don't think that's going to happen.

Got it.

All right.

I'm building.

If it means that I can retire.

You got to go away for a second before I get summoned.

Yeah, that means.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

He's so mad.

15 years from that, anyways.

Darkness, drown out light.

Appear fiend of fact within my sight.

Caveat em tour.

Oh.

The Baron is here.

All right.

And you requested facts?

I know, dude, I know it's going to send you closer to hell, but I can really go for some facts.

Well, it may be your hell.

Maybe Maybe I want to go to hell.

That's what I'm saying.

I like the mystery.

And also, why I'm doing my own thunder, because I know that

Declan's going in for the hospital, so I also leave.

This is just to help out Declan, too.

Okay.

So nobody gets on Declan's ass because there's not real thunder.

Or that you haven't heard the podcast until two weeks from now.

What is he getting an operation for?

His navel was split in half or something.

You're still talking about his belly button?

Well, it maybe got infected or something.

Gross.

Yeah, it's not good.

I feel bad for the guy.

No, it's horrible.

We're hoping for the best, but I don't want to give him any extra work.

I wish he could have told me that.

I would have told you.

I can't stay, Doctor.

I've got to make thunder effects for the Baron.

Or he can't appear.

He'll go to hell, doctor.

He's a fiend of factional.

They're like, holy shit, we haven't even given him the drugs yet.

Can you get get me mix and board into the OR?

I can see him.

I can see him right in front of me with his hat and the cape and the amulet.

Caveatur.

Now you're a big Elvira fan, right?

You got the statues, you got all the the fucking workshops.

You're good enough,

would you buy a Baron statue?

Maybe.

I would.

That I definitely would.

Yeah, me too.

If he's in that getup, I probably would.

Can we get our guy to make a 3D statue of the Baron?

That would be awesome, right?

Fucking Kacheric brothers, you know what I mean?

Like, that's what they do.

They fucking design the four, they design the four-colored demon logo.

I mean, if they want to fucking want to

tackle a sculpt of talent.

Yeah.

I'll take one.

I can't afford the operation Doc.

I'm pre-ordering Baron Stachi from Diamond Comics.

Caveat emptor, even the ill and the fucking maimed dude.

I'm lame, Doctor.

All right, so as I said before, every fact I will tell you why.

For this one time only, I'll reveal why this fact is important.

So we're going to start off the facts today with a standard, repulsive, horrifying fact.

This fact sends a clear message that the baron deals in the shocking and the repulsive.

R.

Kelly got off on a technicality.

Okay, you ready?

Yeah.

There is a semen-eating tribe in New Guinea.

Wow.

It's not a prison, right?

We talked about this.

No, we didn't.

Yeah, we did.

Okay, tell me why they eat semen.

It was like a coming-of-age thing, right?

Wait, boys or girls or both?

No, it was like they made the boys.

Yeah, we talked about this.

Oh, man, you get step close to Mark, but no reason.

I remember talking about this.

Yeah, you brought it up before.

Was it a Baron Frankfurt?

I think it was on the world's greatest shitholes, like one of the earliest.

No,

no.

I wouldn't say that's a shithole.

No.

No, no.

Jesus defending New Guinea.

He's definitely a shithole, but I don't remember talking about it.

Yeah, you brought this to my attention.

But whatever, let's watch it.

They're removed from the presence of all females, the New Guinea boys, at the age of seven, living with other males for 10 years until they're 17, and they have to perform oral sex on the elders.

At age seven.

Or 17.

Yeah, I think that's the way it works.

So it's a tribe of child molesters.

Basically.

That's what it is.

Throughout the six stages of the tribes, right?

Don't shame them.

The boy will perform fellatio to those warriors to ironically prove he's a man.

Just like in prison.

Maybe that's why they do it, to prove they're a man.

Hey, let me ask you this.

If someone does it here, right?

In the stash?

Not necessarily in the stash, maybe outside.

Is it cultural appropriation of the New Guinea tribe?

I think blowjob is a universal, like a gimme.

Yeah.

Maybe if there's a style of blowjob, I think it would be a job.

I think the style being with a seven-year-old boy.

Yeah, that might be appropriate.

You know, all right, so, okay, but I don't know if you knew this, though.

Maybe this will make up for the fact that the Baron found it.

You didn't know the ape column.

this is gonna hurt the uh the launch no

the brand is taking a battering

I said it only because I know personally you guys I can

tomorrow's post is gonna be like baron fucks up but this this little mini fact within a fact okay there's little nuggets in the facts too love it um

this tribe uses um certain branches and mints to once they go back to the women they are so repulsed by the repulsed by the odor of female genitalia that they can't take the smell of it.

And

they use mints and other things to cover up the smell of it.

They jam it in the women?

Yeah.

I have a feeling that has nothing to do with sucking dick for 10 years.

I have a feeling that it's because you're in a tribe in New Guinea.

You're not in a fucking first world country.

Like, what the fuck?

I'd be throwing mints all over it, too.

Where do they get the mints?

Yeah, like certs?

No, like

mint leaves.

Got it.

They They ground up the leaves.

They do everything with leaves.

They do anything with it.

Giant hairy New Guinea bushes.

Some fucking mint stuck in them.

But why did the Baron

Pez dispenser?

Why did the Baron tell this mess?

I told you.

What a mess.

This is right out of the gate.

Right out of the gate.

No, but you said you were going to explain.

I did.

What was the explanation?

I missed it.

I'm sorry.

That's on me.

Well, you said this.

This fact about the semen-eating tribe sends a clear and message to the listeners that the Baron deals in the shocking and repulsive.

Got it.

So

if you have stomach problems or if you have a weak stomach, maybe the Baron's not for you.

Well, that's if you're opposed to child molestation.

Maybe you don't want to listen.

That's going to hurt your employment opportunities as a Baron.

Oh, no.

Well, that's what people are.

People don't want that.

They don't dig that, man.

They dig

human centipedes.

Not beer companies.

Human centipedes huge.

Not with beer companies.

No, Guardians of Galaxy.

Oh, shut up.

Shut up.

I saw a Budweiser commercial with a human centipede in it.

Indiana Jones is huge.

The human centipedes is not huge.

Most people I know never saw human centipedes.

They just said, did you get that fucked up movie?

They just sewed a bunch of asses with their mouths.

The American public yearns for the shocking.

They gravitate gravitate towards it.

I don't know, man.

They're in the Third Cars movie.

I don't think that they like fucking

you're all right.

Yeah, Sage just went to go see Despicable Me Three.

There was no human centipedes in that, she said.

You don't think, though, that America lo loves to be challenged on what they can do?

Oh, I know America does not love to be challenged in terms of

the shocking in terms of the repulsive.

I think a certain subset does, but those people are not.

But your broader audience is not going to be like, why isn't he talking about human centipede in five minutes?

Well, I don't mean, I'm not talking just about human.

I'm talking about like bringing facts and

to the table that

make certain people like it's going to make you uncomfortable.

Yeah, it's too much.

I would say that's a good start.

Yeah, sure.

Now you're on talking.

Dude, I'm always on board with you, even when I'm excluded.

All right, so what's the next fact?

So the next fact.

But the Baron, he appears, he just says facts and then leaves.

He sends facts that gets the room talking.

Right.

And some of the room may not be able to handle it and they have to leave or may be

irrevocably damaged after hearing it.

Love it.

I love it.

I'll tell you what.

No Budweiser commercial would be talked about as much as this one.

If he came on, he was like, want to hear about a semen-eating tribe in New Guinea?

He had like pictures behind him.

And Declan's still fucking convalescing, so you have to do your own thunder.

And it's all tiled out.

What's going on in New Guinea?

Like, what's going on?

Yeah, there's a seven-year-old blowing some adult fuck up while he's throwing mints on a girl's head.

Well, if you want, I would definitely go buy some Bud Light because it's about to be a collector's item.

I thought you meant to drown out the fuck out, genius.

And let's be fair to the New Guinea tribe.

I do believe that they wait until they're 17 to perform all that.

Okay, well, that's good.

It's just like prison sex.

It's a very rosy outlook on the list.

I'm not sure.

I haven't done enough homework to go on record as saying that seven-year-olds.

they get removed from the female part of the tribe and they don't see them again for 10 years.

For what reason?

To make them become men.

Like, so in 10 years, just so you know.

They become warriors in that time.

Oh, okay.

Stick sucking warriors.

I love it.

The first battle I'd fight is against sucking more dick.

What'd you think?

You were pretty silent.

Are you on the edge of sanity?

Yeah, I would say so.

I've been on the edge of the sanity for quite some time when I applied it.

Is it due to the semen-eating tribe factor?

Is it because more other things are pressing?

I would say more other things are pressing.

Well, can you just lie and say it was because of the semen-eating tribe factor?

What other things do you have going on if semen-eating tribes aren't fucking rocking your way?

All right, fact two.

All right.

To get to your point about Elvira.

Yeah.

Like Elvira, the Baron will use sex to build his mystique.

This fact will show you why.

In the 1500s, in France, where you just came from,

women could charge their husbands with impotence.

Impotence?

Impotence?

Impotence.

What does it say right there?

Impotence.

Impotence.

That's what it says.

Those classes work.

Can we get a thumb this straight?

I'm not done with it.

I'm not with them with that.

I know, but it's

impotence.

No, that's impotence.

Impotence.

Talking about the impotence of things.

There's impotence.

It's an emotional.

Shut up.

This is impotence.

The Baron's done.

He's finished already.

Come eating in racism?

Jesus Christ.

You really?

That's how you say your word?

You're lucky you don't know how to pronounce it, man.

That means you're fucking weird, old Baron.

Well, anyway, to go on with that.

The husband then would have to become erect and show he could ejaculate in a courtroom.

Whoa.

If he failed, he could demand a trial by Congress and attempt to have sex with his wife in front of a room of experts.

Can you imagine like you go to law school,

you eventually become a judge and you're like, what's my next case?

And it's like, this dude's going to get hard and jerk off in front of me.

Like, really?

I haven't paid this off yet.

That was shocking.

Was that shocking?

Yeah.

Do you think that

we need to bring bring this kind of law back into

the world?

Well, the type of women that are going to bring it forward are going to be people who get off and being watched

or humiliating their husbands.

No, the first step of

the accusation would be you have to go and have to get hard in front of a.

Well, I mean, if my wife brought that against me, I'd just be like, can we just get a divorce?

I'd be like, well, you have to go.

But again, it sounds like prison.

You're like, you've got to get hard in front of a room full of men to apologize for the guy that wigging and get off.

Does the Baron field follow-up questions or no?

Yeah, go ahead.

Well, I'm asking you.

Like, somebody comes into the stash, says the magic word, you appear, you say a fact.

Yeah, you're only going to get one.

One fact.

One fact in person.

Plus questions.

And there's a fee.

Okay.

Call me on MTOR, baby.

Listen.

Now it's coming out.

Call me on M-Tor.

You buy everywhere.

The fact may be shitty.

What's the fee?

I make it up as I go over there.

Look how annoying annoying they are when they walk in.

It eventually gets out on Reddit.

They're like, most facts are about cum

or guys who are not.

All right.

You know what?

I'll be fair to the aunts who come in and

may recite the poem and expect a fact.

Do you want a $5 fact or a $10 fact?

Oh, all right.

Because the $10 fact is going to bring you closer to hell.

No.

It's just more mind-blowing.

Closer to retirement?

Like, say it is more mind-blowing.

Okay.

You know what I would say?

Can I build on that for your sake?

If you come to the stash and you want to ask the Baron for a $5 fact or a $10 fact, I don't want them engaging you unless that money's out and on the counter.

You understand?

So you don't summon the Baron and then fucking start haggling about it.

You take the money, you got to have it.

Put it on the counter, then you say the poem.

Yes, you got to have the money and you got to have the money.

Out of hand, on the counter.

Yes.

This way, there's no...

If you recite the poem with no money,

it's like throwing it into a wishing well.

You know what it need to go to work?

It's not going to work.

You got to put the money on the counter, take your hand off the money, recite the poem, then the Baron appears.

Yeah, I'll put the hat on.

I'll give you the whole show.

All right, love it.

This is great.

That's it, though.

Then you can't ask me nothing about it, though.

Then I take the hat off and it's over.

Ideally, you then leave the store,

go to serve tacos.

Get him text me when they're gone.

Still there.

if I was a listener telec team I couldn't fucking wait to get to the shit and lay down money so what do you think about that fact Sunday Jeff

is that barbaric or is that something disturbing is that something that like maybe

we need to rethink in today's world where

you know have we gotten too far away from this

yes yes so you think but a guy so a guy gets brought into court I didn't know I didn't know because she's like he can't what he can't can't get hard i've heard people say the word impotent though yeah well they're saying it wrong

impotent yeah it's not right

the pronunciation is not impotent

it would be definitely uh definitely a different job for the sketch artists um oh yeah do you think that uh would you want to be on would you want uh trial uh

jury duty that day q when someone had to come in and get hard in front of you how many juries does it take i mean

it could be just a judge i don't want to i don't want to see it what could the guy accuse the women against?

I believe

I don't know.

That's a different fact.

Oh, okay.

He's trying to get a $10 fact for $5, motherfucker.

But what do you think about that?

Am I shocked by it?

But do you think you could, let's say you were brought up on these charges?

Suzanne's like

he's got a floppy going.

What are the repercussions, I guess, would be my question?

Yeah, I mean,

do I finally get away?

I believe there was a money involved in that.

So I got to now pay plus not get hard.

Oh, God.

I would just

there was almost like a fine

because your wife, she, you know, had to put up with your.

I didn't think no woman had right stuff,

let alone these.

Yeah, I know.

Demanding you go into court to prove your manhood, that does seem weird.

Fucking man's world up until like.

I'll tell you what, I think we're going to see this coming back, too, pretty soon.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Heavy-duty feminism.

They're like, this fucking chump can't get hard.

I'm bringing him to court, and you've got to prove it.

I'm for it.

Could anybody here at the table think that they could perform and beat the charges?

Could you get off?

No?

Could you jerk off in front of a judge?

No, no, no.

It would be strangers.

I'm trying to do it.

It would be strangers, man.

Makes it a little bit easier.

Is there a female juror I could lock eyes with?

uh

i i'm not sure yeah but she's from new guinea with a smelly pussy oh well that wouldn't matter because i'm just i'm just i'm just doing my own thing i guess and let's say it was today yeah in today's world if you're brought up on these charges you would have uh some females on the jury then i might be able to do it what if it's all gay dudes

are are you secure enough in your masculinity

12 what does that mean they're like licking their lips like what do you think yeah they're licking their chops and like rubbing their hands together

that's not been my

but that information

way.

He wouldn't be privy to that information though.

Well, he would see it though.

Well, they're all salivating and going crazy because Q's fucking dropping trout and trying to get hard.

Okay, so would you prefer that?

So he doesn't get sued.

Would you bypass the first stage and go right to the just bring your wife in and show everybody that you can?

I would probably.

Oh, that was the alternative?

Yeah,

you can just go in, show you can become erect, and

I would do it because then she's got to perform too.

So it's like, well, you got us into this mess, So let's fucking skirt.

We're both going to be fucking suffering.

We're going to be skirt of the honeymooners.

You got us into this mess.

We're going to fuck our way out together.

I'm definitely sit-bomb.

That would be.

I would watch that show.

Yeah, I'd watch that too.

All right.

I mean, you probably could do that show on like a Cinemax or something.

It would be like Jerry Springer.

And then, like, if the girl gets upset, like, you know how in Maury, they always run off into that back room.

Like, if the guy can't get hard, she's like, oh, I fucking knew it.

Like, you're not attracted to me or whatever.

Or you're fucking looking at those gay jewers and you like them better.

And she's all like her panties around her ankles, so she's doing that half run.

Yeah.

Like that.

And they're chasing her with the carry.

She's shuffling away in shame.

I'd watch that show.

I'd watch it.

That's for sure.

We should get Simmy in here.

Simmy, we got a new pitch for you.

We got Luke Crate.

Do you want to tell your personal endorsement story?

Does anyone want to tell your personal endorsement story?

Yeah, I will.

Do you get Luke Crate Sunday, Jeff?

No.

That's surprising.

Why not?

You like to know what you're getting?

No, I don't collect a lot of that stuff anymore.

Oh, you're out of the game?

He's a very limited game now.

Do you still have the Puppet Master toys?

Those I still have.

Huh.

Sunday Jeff, out of the game.

There's a younger Bucks like this Austin Jones or whatever, man.

He's out there looking at buttholes and stealing your toys.

Can you imagine?

Like, that's a weird fucking.

We'll talk about it after Luke Crate.

If you're on the quest for epic gear, housewares, and collectibles, Luke Crate has it.

The best surprise you know is coming.

They just sent an awesome Optimus Prime shirt that I wore yesterday, as a matter of fact.

Phew, shut the fuck up.

Because in July's Luke Crate, you're going to find items from TMNT, Bob's Burgers, Futurama.

Yeah, Futurama one I like.

I saw it that way.

It's a little ship.

Rick that I actually like.

Rick and Morty.

Rick and Morty.

Rick and Morty, baby.

I love Rick and Morty.

Me too.

One lucky subscriber Sunday, Jeff, is going to get a mega crate of seriously epic proportions, and it's not too late for you.

Maybe you're not out of the game.

You have until the 19th of July to subscribe and receive July's crate.

And when the cutoff happens, it's over.

Then you've got to go on eBay and buy it from Walt, and he's going to overprice it.

How much are we talking?

You're only talking about $19.99 a month, I think.

I don't know.

I don't know if it says.

Maybe you got to go to lootcreate.com/slash T-E-S-D.

All right.

Next fact.

The Baron,

I want to paint an aura that the Baron can be both villain of mankind as well as an occasional hero.

This following fact will help build that trait.

There has only been one confirmed case of a person ever being hit by a meteor.

How is that helping humanity?

All I hear about and read about is like people are stressed out about an asteroid.

Oh, so you're saying, don't worry, only one person has died.

It's never, it's only happened once in the history, and it didn't even kill this woman.

Right.

This woman who got hit, it bounced off her thigh.

and gave her a bruise.

So small.

I think people are worried about that.

That was pretty big.

That doesn't look like a bruise.

What?

It looks like a shark attack.

What'd you say about that?

I don't think people are worried about that.

I think they're worried about the life-ending event that killed the dinosaurs.

Well, I think they should be worried about the fact the fact is incorrect.

Oh, the fact is incorrect.

Yeah, a meteor doesn't hit the earth.

An asteroid.

A meteorite hits the earth.

A meteor is the flash of light in the sky, so

wherever you read, though.

That's a technicality.

This is a technical thing.

Somebody's going to get you on it, though, Baron.

You got to be careful.

Caveat M Tour, bitch.

Oh,

I said it.

That's why I threw the Latin down.

I covered my ass.

Me and Gina went over this.

He said that.

What happened to somebody gets you on a technicality?

You know, Johnson will try to pull that.

Let's outsmart him.

Done.

I didn't think I'd be bested by

caveat mtour, but here we are.

Have you ever worried about a meteor or a meteorite ever hitting you?

Oh, sorry.

No.

Never?

No.

Never worried about it.

There's a big, it's a big kill the dinosaurs, right?

Yeah, whatever.

But

this is, you would, you would, you would, uh, I like that.

You would agree, though, this is a big, this is a big worry, a big stress inducer among people, right?

I think it's one of the, yeah, I think it's a big stress for people.

I never ever think about it.

I think about walking into traffic way more than I ever think about a fucking meteorite hitting me.

I think everything, every other show on Discovery is about what if the world ends by a meteor hitting us or a meteorite hitting us.

Oh, really?

And it's only happened once.

I don't think so.

Where a meteorite

hit the earth?

Oh, hit a person.

Hit a person.

And it gave her a bruise?

Just gave her a bruise.

Hmm.

So then why is everyone so scared?

And why are they making so many documentaries about it?

Because they're just trying to scare you.

And the Baron's here to tell you with that fact.

Don't be afraid.

Don't be afraid.

There's no reason to stress about that.

It's not a big worry.

You're more likely to win the lottery 100 times than get hit by a meteorite once.

So you

spread that around, Sunday, Jeff.

Yeah, when you go to work tomorrow, let them know.

Don't worry about no more.

Everybody, everyone, listen.

Calm down.

Calm down.

I know you probably all watched Discovery Child last night.

This next fact is important.

Okay.

I'm going to use the Alice Cooper.

No one's ever been hit by a meteorite filled with colour.

Alice Cooper has said that he considers the Alice character that appears on stage as almost another being who takes over and does and says things that he could never do.

With this next fact, I want the Baron to

have that kind of aura.

This fact

lets me be free of the responsibility of saying something that may be unpopular.

Okay.

Or illegal.

And the Baron has to take on

some ramifications

of alerting the world to this fact.

There are cells in the human body called faggot cells, which cause leukemia.

Now,

how is faggot spelled?

Sunday, Jeff.

Just like we said it on the school grounds.

Many, many years ago, which we have to say.

I can't spell that correctly.

Like, I couldn't say that no more, right?

We can't say that word.

It has different meanings, though.

And I won't say that word, but now the baron can say it.

It has different meanings, though.

There it is.

Right.

And is this fact right, Brian?

Or are you trying to look for that technicality?

No, I've never heard of faggot sales, Baron, so I'm looking it up to educate myself.

Isn't that prison?

You've got faggot cells.

That's where the big boy's doing all his business.

But that's where prison is.

What did it say, Q?

No, faggot is a bundle of sticks, and the cells are.

Oh, it gives the appearance of a bundle of sticks.

Yes, that's what they're saying.

Why have they not changed it to LGBTQ cell?

That's what I want to know.

Does that shock you?

That they would name something like that.

No, because it's not named after gay people.

It's named after the old English bundle of sticks thing, I guess.

I mean, when was it?

So

you're not pushing to have it changed?

Should there be a movement to change?

Well, I wasn't aware of it until less than a minute ago, but now I'm enraged, and it's the most important thing on my docket.

Because isn't that the way the world works?

You hear about something, and immediately you're fucking pissed.

As a society, should we stand for a medical term being so

here?

It's here.

You know, it's clear.

It's written as a medical term.

Get used to it.

I don't see, but I'm saying the way that we're thinking about it, it's not really saying any of the stuff that we think it is.

Oh, I know.

I know what it is.

I know.

Why are you surname to the Baron?

But the Baron wants to be popular, so why would you say anything?

Every single thing he said so far, aside from like you might not get his money.

But how am I going to push you to the edges of sanity, though?

With fun facts?

No, I hear what you're saying, but what, but what I'm saying is

it's against what you want to accomplish.

He's like, hey, everyone, ever hear of a faggot cell?

Drink Budweiser.

No, but like, remember how big Dice was?

Sure.

In the 80s and 90s, I remember how big he was.

You know how big Dice is now?

That could be

again?

Actually, that Dice Clay show was not going to be coming.

Yeah, welcome again.

But I am not.

People don't want it coming around.

Yeah, they don't want to break it around.

It's not welcome.

What did I say?

What did the Baron say?

That was so horrible.

You didn't say that.

What drove you to the brink of insanity, Q?

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I'm not going to.

I want to say one fact so far has made you so repulsed.

This is the fact that it's made me so repulsed that you want this character to be popular.

As popular as dice play in 87.

He was huge.

He was Madison Square Garden level huge, baby.

He was.

But what have I said that you think is going to anger people?

Using the word faggot for any reason.

Yeah, but it's a legit.

It's a magic.

I know, but you can't explain that in a Budweiser commercial.

No, no, of course I can't use it in that context, but here to build

the character.

To bring the fags back.

Fag but

why wouldn't I use

the proper medical terminology?

Because it might offend people.

I understand, but there's no reason to be offended.

It has nothing to do with it.

Well, I mean, you're a straight white male in a top hat.

What are you offending?

I don't know that anybody wants to hear your definition of what's offensive enough.

Well, I'm throwing it out there for the world.

I definitely don't.

I'm throwing it out there for you guys to digest.

I'm not offended.

Do you want to change

Should we go on record as being the Barons against this?

Or should I think the Barons should weigh in at all?

Shouldn't even let the world know that there's a term out there.

We should just close our eyes and put the Baron's fingers in his ears.

I definitely wouldn't risk a step to hell on it.

I'll tell you that much.

It's too late.

He just

told you.

You really believe that that.

I'm actually happy to hear this because I know I'm going in the right direction then.

But I'm not sure if you can.

If you could shock the likes of a BQ.

Yeah.

But I'm not shocked.

I'm talking a marketing point of view.

Right, but this little fact is not going to come back to get me

when I'm climbing a ladder of success.

You never know.

Paula Dean said something 20 years ago.

I was lying about it.

I didn't make this fact up.

Right.

You can't

hold my feet to the fire.

I don't think it's a fact.

I think it's the cavalier use of a word that you know has double meaning and trading on that.

I didn't say anything wrong.

It's called a faggot sell dummies.

It's my fault.

It's like when people are just like, well, niggardly means cheap.

It's just like, well, yeah, we know it does.

But you could just say cheap.

Yeah, like, why are you to say that?

I'm trying to help you.

I'm not a gay.

It's not me versus.

Badwasher.

I got a new fact.

You know how you call people cheap?

Well, guess what?

I got a new word for it.

I just don't think that.

No, no, not like that.

Not like that.

Let me just take the time, the 30 seconds during Super Bowl, to explain why I use the word niggerty instead of cheap.

It's fine.

Listen to that.

Because just because people don't know,

I hope you all have faggot cells in them.

What are you doing?

Listening to the Baron, drinking a bud?

I just don't understand why you think that the world cannot hear a fact without losing their mind.

Have you been on the internet?

I know, ironically, that's what I'm after.

I want to say a fact that'll make the world lose their mind.

Right.

And that's what the goal is.

Well, they have a mission accomplished, but I'm saying that the goal is against your ultimate goal.

It's becoming huge.

Yeah.

I just, I don't see it.

I don't, you know what?

We have to just wait and see because I don't think it will come back to affect.

He just told you something off air.

Something so minor that could get someone ousted from their job.

Right?

Do they?

The comic book thing.

Oh, yes, yes.

Now, if that is driving people crazy, and it's a small segment of people, but companies, big companies react to one person.

You've said it yourself.

Right, but I didn't say anything incentive.

I know Walt didn't, but Baron.

The Baron didn't say anything.

I'm still the Baron until I take this hat off.

The Baron didn't say anything incentive.

He didn't take that hat off.

You're like, what did he say?

Did he say disconnect?

He didn't say anything offensive, did he?

No.

He did.

He said faggots on the kitchen.

I can't believe it.

I hate that Baron.

Please don't say that home.

And don't bring money in.

If I had said something.

The kissing skull money must have dried up.

That's why he's doing this.

If I had said something

inflammatory.

You didn't say anything inflammatory.

Or offensive.

I don't know how to explain the difference to you.

Yeah, I wish you would.

I am telling you that.

You can get them hammered this out, dude.

No, I understand that.

I'm just saying that

nobody even wants to play with the word.

Oh, you're saying that it's the word now, that word, too.

It's the F.

Even though it's in the medical journals.

Even though, like, you can go to Harvard and Yale and you can look it up and you may have to deal with it, and you may have to know about it, and you may have to treat it.

The average person?

Then let's change the word then.

The average person can say it all they want.

What?

The average person could say it all they want.

You want to sell beer?

You can't say that word.

If you were to take a survey of 100 people and ask them what that word means, what are they going to tell you?

They're not going to tell you it's a sell.

Well, maybe the Baron's just bringing awareness that the medical term has to be changed.

Then it's time.

So now you're against it.

The Baron doesn't.

That's up to the Baroness.

Change the facts.

The interpretation.

Yeah.

Is the Baron for it or against it?

I don't know.

I think the Baron should not even leave himself in the conversation.

I think the Baron should leave himself out of that conversation.

Because one, nobody's having the conversation.

You're starting the conversation.

I've never heard of this until today.

Just stay out of it.

It's got nothing to do with you.

Don't start it.

Let's move on to the next factor.

I don't think that.

I don't know.

The last one wasn't inflammatory.

I don't care.

I don't care what the Baron does.

I'm talking to the Baron about selling beer.

Okay, do you think...

Okay, moving.

If I had a Budweiser contract right now, I may agree with you.

The Baron may

have backed up.

Here's some heat factor.

Philip McGottfully isn't allowed to be a fucking duck anymore.

Because he made a joke.

Because he made a joke on the radio.

This was 10 years ago.

This is fucking 10 years ago is tolerant compared to

get the Baron's name out there and people talk about it, I've got to make a splash.

That's not the lake you want to make that splash in, though.

What?

By saying that, by quoting a medical fact.

Yes.

You don't want to do it.

Why?

There's so many facts, Baron.

So many.

Why are you going to push off a potential audience member by saying something that might

why are they upset by that fact?

Because they think that you're just saying the word to be shocking.

I am.

And there you go.

They're like, you're using something that has brought tons of people pain and anguish just to be shocking.

Like, you don't have the right to do that.

I'm not talking about gay people.

I'm talking about leukemia.

And who doesn't want to think of leukemia?

Faggot just to fucking shock people when that word has been used against people as a weapon historically.

It doesn't make the Baron look good.

I don't think, but I don't think

the Baron did

Baron didn't invent.

Oh, I got a friend named Brian Lynch, so it's fine.

Like, it doesn't, it's not.

The Baron didn't invent the term.

He didn't have it.

He had nothing to do with it.

No.

Oh, that clears that up.

Oh, all right.

I thought he invented the word.

So you're saying, let's say you had these cells in you.

Yeah.

I'd call it cancer.

I wouldn't say faggot cells.

Well, let's say you had to.

Let's say you had to go out and

go to the doctor.

I got faggot cells.

You wouldn't.

So you're on a wall.

You wouldn't even tell your family what you had?

I wouldn't have faggot cells in me.

I'd say I have cancer.

I told you not to do that shit.

They disowned him.

Staten Island.

Yeah.

Hey.

Come out here.

I heard you got some faggot cells in you, huh?

Get them, boys.

Pop, no.

Hold up, boys.

My older brother.

Yeah, no, no.

It's good.

It tastes better.

I got cancer.

I'm not gay.

Oh, shit.

Oh, we're sorry.

Hold them up, boys.

Yeah.

Oh, I think we broke his arm.

What are you crying, you faggot?

Forget him.

Ever been to New Guinea?

I just don't think.

Yeah.

I don't think the Baron should have to pay the price for a medical terminology, though.

I just don't think that.

I agree with that.

I agree with you.

But the Baron will pay the price.

Not at this point in the Baron's career, though.

But now that's even worse because all you're doing is laying a fucking bomb for someone when you do get successful to rip it all away from you.

Here's audio, shocking audio.

No, there's a nigga's just six flags endorsed.

He was going to replace the dancing old guy.

Tell facts about like French Bulldogs.

Well, he wants to be shocking and drive you insane.

I want to be renowned in the horror field, though.

Well, then tell facts about serial killers.

I only got two more.

You want to hear them?

I want to hear them all.

I think this is a great idea.

Just shit, Candace.

No, this is a great idea.

You're just going to work the kinks out.

You're just going to work the kinks out.

It's right.

That's it, bud.

Harsh in my Baron bus.

No, I don't want to.

I want this to live forever, which is why I'm telling you.

The Baron does live forever.

Until he goes to hell.

No, he's eternal.

Even in hell.

Even in hell.

I'll be telling facts to Lucifer.

And he ain't going to fucking cry if I say a fact that may offend him.

It may not be so PC.

I'm not offended.

Nothing offends me.

I want the Baron to have the, I want his origins to be shrouded in mystery.

Okay.

I want to have like multiple legends and you know, just like there's no set origin.

The Baron didn't just go to Party City and buy a hat.

This Next Fact helped build.

You ordered it on Amazon.

It's even worse.

It's like a New Year's Eve hat.

You imbued me with magical powers that will drive you insane.

It's like the hat you put on Frosty.

I got it for two days, free shipping.

Amazon Prime.

Happy birthday.

This next fact helped build a potential origin for the Baron.

Tumors can grow hair, teeth, and sometimes eyes.

And that is a shocking fact.

It has driven me insane and has not made me worry about potentially losing any money.

What?

Budweiser will be behind it.

Oh, that's a fact that, like, that you're saying you can get behind that fact.

I can get behind that fact.

What about people who suffer from tumors that have hair, eyes, and teeth?

Yeah, but that's about their feelings.

That's not discriminatory.

Anybody can do that.

Yeah, but am I not making light of their affliction?

Yeah, but that's all right, because you might get that affliction.

Because it's also not called a faggot tumor or something.

You're just saying tumor.

Plus, you might get a tumor.

You're never going to be called a faggot and beat to death behind the fucking bar.

Because you're not getting, you've never suffered through those fucking kind of hatred.

That's why you can comment on tumors.

This is good, though, because it's all because that last fact is still spurring honest and educational conversation that is

needed.

Who doesn't want that from their beer commercial?

Hey, let's shut off the Super Bowl and talk about faggot chocolate for the next 45 minutes.

Son, did you watch the Super Bowl last night?

What was the best commercial?

GoDaddy's going to be vying for that with Budweiser.

Well, can you guys figure out

why that fact is

because you looked at Gidum and was like, oh my God, the tumors can grow hair teeth.

Can I take a guess?

You can take a guess.

Because

the Baron was born of a tumor on Walt Flanagan, and it grew into a person.

That's why he's not responsible for anything.

The Baron says it's different.

That's the rumor that's out there now.

The legend now.

You just said it.

Yeah.

And now it's now it's.

Where'd you hear that rumor, Q?

I just made it up.

I deduced it now it's canon

yeah well possibly it's possibly canon yeah so you the the walt flanagan tumor became sentient i had a tumor in high school had it removed kept it i didn't keep it bought a hat on amazon

i didn't keep it but it wasn't disposed of properly okay

i do remember that it uh it crawled back to you

From the medical waste bin.

Well, you got it taken off in the hospital.

No, I didn't.

Oh, it was a cyst.

It wasn't a tumor.

Okay.

I had a cyst on my arm.

They can grow hair, eyes.

It's like kidding, too.

Yeah, Walt was diddling like crazy back in high school.

What do you think of that one, though?

Is that repulsive?

Is that shocking?

Is that horrific?

Not repulsive.

I am just talking.

That's pretty gross.

There's the chance that you're talking and sitting next to a tumor with teeth, hair, and eyes.

My father says that to me all the time.

What an intriguing tumor, hair and eyes tumor I'm sitting next to then.

And

does Walt Flanagan pay a price for whatever the Baron says?

In real world?

Not now.

I don't think so.

Okay, good.

All right.

Last fact.

You digested that tumor one.

You say that's an acceptable fact.

Yes.

I mean, you don't think so?

I mean, a duck paid the price for Gilbert.

Oh, the tumor one is too hot button too?

None of these are too hot button for me.

I love them all.

All right, so the one that

you would strike the semen-eating tribe.

Well, that's you talking about broadcast television because then, yes.

No, to build the ledge.

No, to build the

ledge.

Just a commercial character.

No,

I wouldn't cut that one because basically you're ripping, you know, you're bringing to light discussing pedophiles.

That's everybody's against pedophiles.

But there's the laws in New Guinea, I'm sure, are not the laws.

Nobody's going to agree with that law, though.

Different culture.

But, you know.

What about the New Guinea marketing for the Baron?

It might hurt, though, if I stop.

I think the New Guinea tribesman market, you may lose some people, but you're all right.

It's okay.

What about

in France,

the man who filed?

That's okay, too?

That's great.

It's sexy, like a virus boobs.

Some people who get turned off by that.

Yeah, people are.

Turned on by that.

Yeah, yeah.

But that would be a good idea.

He's going to get hard for you.

It's a coffee in the court of France.

There you go.

Flash of the meteorite.

In the middle of the courtroom trying to prove his manhood.

No, no, no, just wait.

Just wait.

I can do it.

What about the meteor one?

Great.

And

it felt like I alleviated some tension.

Yeah, it'll definitely put some people at ease.

Okay, yeah.

Okay, but the cell one.

I would lose the cell one.

All right, last one then.

Okay.

I want the Baron to have contempt.

for the privileged and for those in power.

This fact helped builds upon that trait.

Doesn't everyone have contempt for...

No,

I am those people.

That's what I mean.

Here's the thing.

Vocally, people are going to be very supportive of this next fact, but money's not going to pour in on it.

That's why Marvel's fucking going out of business.

What are you saying?

I think you're going to get a lot of chatter about it, positive,

about how the Baron is

doing the right thing more than that.

But I wink to corporate as I say this fact.

Okay, what's the fact?

Let me hear the fact.

Is corporate standing off camera?

I wink to corporate like, hey, we both know this is bullshit.

I don't believe this, but you guys are all right.

I say this to make up for that cell debacle.

Right.

Remember when I got you guys in big trouble with the faggot cell thing?

Well, now I'm going to pretend I'm against you.

What's this?

All right.

Banks have therapists known as wealth psychologists who help ultra-rich clients who are unable to mentally cope with their immense wealth.

I would say that with way more contempt if I was on camera.

Yeah, it's also relatable.

It's like, you're so rich you need a shrink.

Fuck you.

I've been thinking about killing myself for two straight weeks and I've got a pot to piss in.

Right.

Well, that's what I'm saying.

Like, I anger.

Like, give me those problems.

Yeah, I'll take those problems.

Yeah.

That's what people are going to say.

Yeah, pay for my medical care.

Yeah, pay for my cell phone.

See, I'm being those people.

Right.

And the Baron.

I want some free college, Baron.

Yeah, give me everything for free.

And the Baron is like, and the Baron's.

You're into it.

I'm into it.

Yeah.

You know,

let's do some sit-ins.

I'll get coffee.

I'll lead a sit-ins.

That's right.

What?

You're fucking Martin Luther King.

Now we're like, I thought you were pitching beer.

Like, what the fuck?

Well, just to get my name out, like, to get ink, to get.

I don't have to earn anything.

We're going to get into it.

The Baron agrees.

It's going to be $5 or $10.

The Baron agrees that the wealthy should foot the bill.

I agree.

It's not enough that they pay 80% of the taxes in the country.

Let's get a little more.

Why shouldn't you work your ass off to pay for other people's shit?

Well, not

a lot of these wealthy haven't worked their ass off.

No, it's just

an assembly line of money that gets handed down, and the money stays inside these

in the circle and never gets spread around to the people who need it.

That hasn't been my experience.

Just because it's not your experience doesn't mean it's not a true experience, though.

That's true.

Baron's

wall.

And that's.

What do you think about that?

Does that make you so angry that there's

Sunday, Joe?

Makes me furious.

That there's a wealth psychologist.

What could this rich person tell their wealth psychologist that would validate their existence?

Spend more money.

Well, now, maybe, like, so they're going because they're like, hey, man, I think people only like me for my money.

You should be a regular psychologist for that.

You don't have to.

I've never heard of that.

This is a special wealth.

I mean, you got to have like big bucks, I imagine.

Like, nobody, no, like, if you're just like a millionaire, nobody's nobody's seeing you for this shit.

You got to be like billionaire.

Would you go to a psychologist like that if you had that much money?

The Baron does.

You're talking to me, the Baron, or Walt?

You're talking to the two.

I'm talking to the Walt.

I'm talking to the two men.

Well, I have to confirm Walt to come back.

I have to end the segment.

Okay, well, I'm talking to the Baron then.

The Baron doesn't need a psychologist.

He's going to hell.

What is he going to do?

All right, so you want it?

Do you want do you wish the Baron to disappear?

I don't.

I love this.

Is there a special poem to get him to leave?

Or

once the facts are done, he just sort of

takes the hat off.

Sadly, he takes the hat off.

He's going to take the hat off and it's over.

It's kind of I have to think of some.

Maybe in the next segment, maybe I have

an exiting strategy.

Even if he just threw down a smoke bomb and walked away.

Hollow peanut butter sandwiches like sulfur.

But on a mic, though?

On a mic.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

I'll come up with something next time.

But for now, though, it'll just be the sound of me removing the hat, and then I'm back.

I like it.

What do you think overall?

What do you think of that fact, though?

Do any of the Jokers have any wealth psychologists yet?

The Jokers don't make that much money.

None?

None, no?

Maybe just one psychologist for all four combined?

No, we don't.

We don't.

Yeah, that would be a good idea.

I would watch, like, like that Metallica documentary where they sat in with the shrink.

I would watch you guys talk about all your money.

I mean, we could talk about why everybody else makes money off us and

we don't participate.

I'll talk to a psychiatrist about that.

What do you think?

The comic book men do

they need, are they in need of us?

I think so.

With Ming's recent foray into the retail sector, he must be raking in money.

He must be swimming in green.

I know he sold some mugshot teas.

So,

I mean,

for sure,

we're going to need to talk to somebody about all this money.

Not a great fact to go out.

I should have went out.

No, I think that

you're going to get a lot of people who like that fact.

They're going to get angry.

No, they're going to get angry.

They're going to get angry.

Maybe they'll forget how angry they were about to sell one.

Yeah.

Or like the rest of their lives.

Maybe not just necessarily your facts.

So that's it.

So

now throughout the course of the year, I will be,

the Baron reappears, it's all in apologized.

Oh, yeah, I got to appear then.

But don't say that poem unless I tell you to.

I don't have any more facts right now.

So,

will you have a list of facts at the store now in case we're going to go to the next one?

I'll always have facts in case someone comes in and says the poem.

Okay.

And how will you decide?

Five or ten?

On the level of

the money down first.

Yeah.

Okay.

But the level of exuberance,

if they're too

high energy.

If they're annoying about it.

Yeah, they may just be like $20.

Okay.

You've been warned.

Caveat up to her.

He was excited to support you.

Caveat up to her, baby.

He says it for a reason.

So that's it.

Any other questions about anything?

No more questions for the Baron.

I got no more questions for the Baron.

Also, you can only say the poem once every 24 hours.

Oh, all right.

So this way that someone says that.

You're not going to be a very rich man, then.

Some tool can't come in and keep saying it over and over.

And that also gives you an out if somebody comes in and you don't want to do it because you'd be like, sorry, somebody already said it today.

No, no, no.

You're saying saying one person.

One person.

One person.

But what if that tool fucking keeps giving you $5 at a clip for these facts?

All you got to do is put a hat on.

That's pretty easy.

I mean, it's not that much money.

Baron's got his dignity, too, to think of.

This guy needs a wealth psychologist over here, man.

Woo!

Oh, Walt, you're back.

You should have seen the tumor that was just here.

It was

spouting all these grotesque, hateful things.

Please don't tell me he said anything

that's going to cause any backlash for me.

No, there was teachable moments for sure but i think everything's all right he didn't get any he didn't say anything like in a offensive or he didn't talk about any awkwardly named leukemia cells or anything like that

yeah i knew that was a big worry all right we were just rudely interrupted by an sd card ending we were talking about

recording yeah now it's recording uh we were um

talking about you and your brand new doctors that you seem very proud of because you won't stop talking about them.

Well, you don't know if you, did you finish Luke Creed?

Did you finish stuff that the street?

Yeah, Luke Creed's done.

It was done?

Okay.

So now we're back talking about,

we were talking about

your daughter's graduating.

Double graduation.

Double graduation.

Yeah, that's

eighth and

senior of high school.

That is crazy.

Oh, the lights just flat.

Baron loves this.

It's pitch black.

It's dark.

Dark in here, man.

I was just about to attack Stacey Patel and then she turned the lights back off.

That's why she turned them off.

Saucy Minks.

No.

Sassy Lil.

So your daughter's graduated, double graduation, Walt.

One from eighth, one from one in senior year.

Yeah.

And

you were to wear a suit and you

worked your way out of it.

No, no, no, I negotiated down to slacks and a new button-up shirt.

Doesn't it make you feel bad to say slacks?

No, because that's what they are.

Trousers,

trousers.

where they neatly pressed even slacks.

I don't look at anything

other than sweatpants or shorts as everything is a slack to me.

Well, I could see your ire building as you talked about telling your daughters into the parking lot that if any dad was there in shorts.

No, it was my daughter and my wife.

I was just like, because they were

hammering me about, you know, you have to dress nice, you have to dress nice, you have to dress nice.

And I was like, well,

if we pull up and I see dads in t-shirts and shorts and flip-flops, and I don't even wear flip-flops.

I'm refined enough to know.

There's no way you're negotiating your way into flip-flops.

I would never leave my toes open for the world to see.

This is in New Jersey.

Yeah.

So

someone's definitely showing up in shorts and

joving tag top or something like that.

The boss.

The boss.

And within like two seconds of us pulling up,

I saw people walking in with the mirror cozy.

I was just like, what is going on?

Like, why do I have to dress like this?

Like, everybody, but I don't.

You quickly cut your dockers into shorts.

But everybody's super stressed.

You know, I don't want to make it more difficult, so I just swallowed my tongue and

kept the monkey suit on.

I like how pants is a monkey suit.

But it's tough.

My daughter

won some award for high honors for her whole career.

Which one?

Alicia.

Alicia?

Yeah.

Her whole career at that school, she was high honors.

So she got called up.

Valedictorian?

Not the valedictorian, but

she was like one of a group of kids that had

high honors the whole year.

So that was nice.

And my daughter,

that was the first graduation.

That's the eighth grade one.

That's not the big Edo.

Right.

And then we do the senior one, and that's.

And how many kids are in the senior class?

Because it's not like us where there were 60 graduating kids.

How many GFQ?

234 or 5, something like that.

Yeah, I think there was about

400 kids.

Oh, it's unbearable.

No, 400 kids in our

kids in

400 kids in our entire high school.

They had 400 kids graduating.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, it was big.

It was at Monmouth College, the graduation.

Now, Flanagan...

Oh, that is wrong.

I went

recently Sage got an award for something at her school, and they had the big award ceremony.

It's in the gym.

There were a lot of people there for the middle of the day.

I was pretty surprised.

And I was wondering, I forgot to ask you, is it poor form that when she gets that award that you're like, I'm out?

I couldn't.

My wife would never do that.

No.

My wife would never leave the graduation early.

Are you kidding me?

Like, she would know how awful that would look.

So you're saying that.

How is my daughter going to get home?

Uber.

That's what all the kids do.

She knows that.

That's trash.

The people who leave before they.

Why did you leave?

Of course I did.

Of course I did.

It's like a little bit of a.

You can't sit there and give the same amount of level of the clap and the.

Nope, because I don't care about those kids.

It's nine.

You just fake it.

I didn't care either, but you just fake it for an hour.

What were you doing instead?

Not sitting in fucking trains.

Yeah, anything other than watching kids I don't know get awards I don't care about.

I hardly cared about sages.

I'm gonna care about these kids' awards.

Fucking no way.

And then like there were

the selfish Americans.

Yes.

There were hundreds of cars in this parking lot and I'm like,

they're all assholes because I'm getting out, not waiting in any traffic.

They're all assholes.

They're going to be sitting in traffic.

Not only do they have to sit through all these other awards.

So your kid led to leave early too?

No, that's the thing.

School wasn't ending.

Like, she still got out at regular time.

But I would have had to sit there.

It was like literally the third award out of probably like, you know, an hour longer.

Did anybody in your ear tell you that you should leave early?

Who the fuck is going to say anything to him?

Wait.

Is there anybody in your ear telling you you shouldn't leave early?

Anybody telling, like, physically telling?

Anybody telling you, well,

that's not cool.

You shouldn't leave early.

That's not, that's, that's rude.

Yeah.

And that's why you do what you do.

Right.

I do whatever I want.

Yeah, but it's, but it's not, but

it's awesome.

But it's not right, though.

But you know, but everybody, everybody walk, as you walk out, though, everybody looking at you like, I don't know.

I agree with Brian.

Like, fuck you guys.

You guys suck at that.

Yeah, but I don't care about them.

I don't care.

They're like, child miles here.

Why don't you move to New Guinea?

The reason they're upset is because they're not doing what he's doing.

They don't have the balls to do it.

They don't have the balls.

That's what it is.

I don't give a fuck if I look like that.

I thought it was in consideration.

I don't know his big balls.

Hey, tomato, tomato, baby.

All I know is I wasn't sitting in fucking traffic afterwards like they all did.

So the scene, how long did that take?

That was a long day.

Read every name, right?

Read every name, yeah.

Why don't they look?

And did you clap it just as earnestly for all of them?

Every last one.

Did I?

Did you sweat through your dockers?

You were clapping so hard.

Of course.

Hey, if I got to fucking sit there, that's why I want you to sit there.

If you had invited me, I would have sat there.

We could have joked around about shit.

I would have bought some dockers.

Oh, only four people could go.

We only had four tickets.

That's what I figured.

Four tickets to go to graduation.

Same thing.

That's a shit small.

Yeah, that is crazy.

So, wait, so who went?

You, Deb?

Deb's mom and your mom?

If you eliminate the name, you're taking out a big

part of tradition and Americana.

So slavery.

We got rid of that shit.

But you're talking about

some kids who breeze through school.

Yeah.

Maybe it wouldn't matter to them.

But you're talking about kids who struggle,

who have to battle and have to really put in a blood, sweat to get that diploma.

You're telling them, well,

we got a guy who needs to get home to to watch Netflix.

God's damn right.

It's my life.

It's ending a minute at a time.

Let's eliminate and let's not acknowledge your achievements.

Oh, you graduated high school.

What a fucking accomplishment.

You achieved a bare minimum of education that's legally required.

Yay, you, go, you.

Fucking idiots.

Making me sit in this fucking traffic.

There's an air conditioner working in this gym.

Yeah, god damn it.

Everyone's sweating, not wanting to be there, all of them not wanting to be there.

That's not true.

That is true.

I know one guy that didn't want to be there at least.

But do you not agree with that?

Or are you saying that?

Or do you agree with him?

Are you telling me you side with him?

I side with him on this.

That we should eliminate the calling of the names.

100%.

That should be gone.

Why do you bother to have it then?

Well, let's not even bother to have it.

What's the next one?

Let's talk about that.

Should we

eliminate the valedictorian, too?

I'll tell you why we shouldn't eliminate that.

The valedictorian.

Yes.

Why?

It's shaming all the dumbest.

Yes.

It's shaming all the.

I remember the way I felt when I wasn't valedictorian.

Should we eliminate

James Murray be the salutorian?

Salutatorian.

Fucking speech.

I had to watch him thinking he was special up there in that fucking podium while he sat there amongst the rebel.

We should acknowledge.

Parents had to listen to it.

We should eliminate acknowledgement of achievement.

All of it.

So no more raises.

No, that's money.

That's different.

Yeah.

Money's definitely different.

Because you earn a raise.

You earn your award.

You earn your spot at the top of the class.

You shouldn't be acknowledging that.

You know what?

All right, give it to those two people.

Okay.

Let them make that speech.

Get there.

Congratulations to the class of 2017.

To represent them, are the two highest achieving people of the class.

Give the speech.

Give the second runner-up speech.

And hottest girl.

And then move on.

I mean, in fucking TSD town for sure, but not in the real world.

what about what about this they know they even gave that special award to a kid they had the the class went on a pool trip

and

this is right before the graduation

I hope this ends in tragedy

well averted tragedy really

a boy saved another boy okay

from drowning before the lifeguard even did and they gave him an award Should they not give that kid an award?

Because you got to get home?

That's fine.

Why?

Because it's two seconds.

It's two seconds.

I don't care.

I don't think they should.

If you're the smartest or if you save somebody's life, we'll listen to you.

Otherwise.

Oh, wait, no, he doesn't get to give a speech.

And you're worried about that.

And you're worried about the Baron looking bad.

And you're worried about the Baron's PR.

Every single person listening to this agrees with me.

What fucking speech do you need to hear from this fucking kid who saved another kid?

I saw him drown and I fucking pulled him up.

First off, he shouldn't be in the pool.

He's an asshole.

If he's fucking drowning and he can't swim, he fucking almost...

The kid almost did a disservice.

The The kid did a fucking disservice to humanity.

He's a survival of the fittest.

Yeah, goddamn.

And you never needed any help.

It's our fattest.

No, I'll tell you what, I'd rather hear a speech from the kid who fucking sprung into action and saved another person's life than the fucking poindexter who studied hardest and fucking nerded his way up to the fucking.

Guess how many friends I didn't have?

As we look back and remember the most important years of our life, but all of a sudden, who fucking, I don't even remember high school.

You don't remember it?

I don't remember shit.

I don't care.

Right, but that doesn't mean though that you should, because you.

Well, I never thought we'd make it here.

What?

You should even go.

Brian and I shouldn't even go.

Well, that's what we do.

We build a lifetime of fucking people.

But he just Walt doesn't want to go either.

No, I went.

And I didn't want to dress.

Under duress.

I believe that

we shouldn't have dress codes for these things.

So that's the only thing that's my problem.

Right.

We should go.

I think everybody's name should be called out.

They should shake the principles.

I don't have a problem.

Was there a dress code?

Did you get something that said you had to dress a certain way?

No, no.

Oh, my dress code was enforced at home.

Oh.

Yeah.

That's more meaningful than that.

But I negotiated it down out of a suit.

To dockers.

I won.

Was there anyone else in suits?

Oh, yeah.

There's people like in three pieces.

You could have had.

You should have went up to Baron.

What's that?

You wouldn't have had to worry about getting in.

Never had to worry about it.

Oh, yeah, a top hat and cape, though, would have been pretty sweet with your amulet.

Fuck facts.

If there's somebody.

See how much money you could have made that night.

My cells are faggots.

You should probably know that, right?

Fucking valedictorian.

Come on, smart guy.

You graduated just how you do things in New Guinea.

But, like, imagine that the Baron has to give us

big speeches.

Come on, get your diploma.

He gets popular enough to give a speech at

one of these things.

Oh, like my Angelou Oprah Winfrey, the Baron.

I got in against the speeches.

It's the name.

It's the reading of every name.

Because who gives a fuck?

The family that's there to see them and the person who put in

the effort.

I know the way I felt, and I know the way you probably felt.

I did not want to go to our graduation.

I didn't want to go.

I didn't want to sit there.

I didn't want to go either, but I also would have, if I hadn't gone, I'm sure I would have been like, well, I was just stupid for not going.

I should have went.

Oh, yeah.

Was that the way you would feel today?

I don't know.

I think I might have, yeah, if I didn't go.

Edgar goes, we put up with your bullshit for six years.

You're going.

Like, because my mother was like, we want you to go.

I don't want to go.

And then I had to go.

It's not right.

I don't know, man.

I just think that

you start taking away the little things that make

our tradition in our...

Society.

You know, where does it end though?

Now you want to just breeze through it.

Like, well, why even have anything then?

Dude,

at one time you would have been in a suit and a hat, and not your fucking top hat, a regular fucking hat.

That wouldn't bother me so much, the hat.

Because you need people to be educated for society.

You don't need to fucking hear someone's name right out.

Because it's not special.

It's going on across the country, everywhere.

It's going on in.

Who gives a fuck?

They're even longer and more boring.

I went to a college graduation.

I was like, what the fuck, man?

I'm glad I didn't go to college.

I don't even go to my college graduation.

No, I went to my girlfriends at the time.

I was like, this is so boring.

It sucked, man.

You ever go to graduation, Sunday, Jeff?

Sure.

They're beat, right?

Did you wear a graduate group?

Well, I never went to 400 people.

That's a huge class.

That's a lot of names that you don't care about.

What'd you do the whole time?

You should have texted me.

I was watching the

head honcho.

I was watching him on stage, and my wife was going, look at him.

It's like, she was so mad at him.

He was texting on his phone

the whole time.

He sits through one of those a year.

No,

he was at the eighth grade one and he was doing it.

And then the next day he was at

the high school.

And he was doing the same thing.

He was on his phone the whole time.

It was just like.

You got to see this faggot selling slacks I'm looking at.

Special dockers just for the occasion.

I'm not going out on that.

Fuck that.

Let's make a funny name.

Say it about somebody else, and I'll say tell Steve David.

I remember my fire department graduation.

Yes.

Did you not want to go to it?

Did you not want to

be honored?

That was a bigger fucking achievement.

Yeah.

It meant, it was like,

that was

fucking people who never thought they'd accomplish anything and

becoming the closest thing this earth has to a superhero.

You fucking damn right, you got to read my goddamn name.

And the mayor of New York City was there.

Bloomberg came up to me and he shook my hand and he said, congratulations.

That's the only time a bunch of Irish drunks are going to get their names read.

Just because you didn't come.

Yeah.

I love it when it's when you guys, when you guys are getting your name called, yes.

Then make sure you call it loud.

But

if it doesn't involve you, you don't want to have anything to do with it.

No,

that's the fire department.

My high school graduation, I would have been perfectly fine them not calling my name.

If I graduated college, I wouldn't have even gone to the graduation because that shit is lame.

Fire department, though.

It's an achievement.

Marines.

The mayor's there.

Yeah.

Shook the mayor's.

Was that Marines?

Marine, I'd go to that.

Air Force.

They announced the names of the anything that you're not legally forced to do, like go to school, is an achievement.

Getting through high school is not an achievement.

It's so fucking, it's easy.

It's not easy.

It is easy.

It's not easy.

All you need to know is

you're a fucking Mensa.

That's true.

I'm all my Menzies.

It was easy for you.

You had the IQ of, what was your IQ again?

I'm willing to say this

all night tonight.

You've been trying to pop it.

Yeah, I know.

197.

I lied earlier.

I was ashamed of my superior intellectual.

I was trying to shoehorn it in

with the get-em speak.

I'm fucking angry.

Because I know the difference between a meteor and a meteorite.

I'm angry all over again because she didn't come to my fucking fire department graduation.

Did she invite it?

Did you invite her?

Yeah, I invited her.

Called her up, said, come.

She goes, I don't think that's a good idea.

Yeah.

So I fucking got with her.

So how the fuck did you sit there and be like, I talk about graduations?

Oh, it's going to be a fucking car ride home.

I don't know.

I like, though, that like, I'm like, you didn't go?

She's like, no.

Fuck it.

I don't care.

Had to be a reason.

Ask her.

Was it just boring?

No, I'm dating.

Oh, there was a reason.

There you go.

That's a valid reason.

No, there was a reason.

I didn't say valid.

There was a reason.

I would never.

No, no, I would never.

I'm not.

I am not.

I am not.

It's not for me to deem invalid or valid.

No,

I can just let you go.

You know, I'll say, tell them, Steve, they don't tell him

that's a better way.

I'll go out on that one.

The skills that you dedicate,

And you got them necktie

to the tree.

Took me up, you dropped me down.

We took the world to screw the round.

And in the end, you'll still be found wanting.

You are in love only.

But I'll make it that

you may believe.

Took me up and dropped down.

We turn the world around and round.

Maybe you will still be found.

Don't try

to blame me.

I'll try not to blame you.

When we finally put ourselves in with

it,

you'll find

you guilty.

Follow me builds united.

It's so peaceful

and I breathe.

Different people drop me down.

It's still the world goes round and round.

And even when we'll still be found

won't say,

don't try to change me.

I'll try not to change you.

When we finally cut ourselves and breathe it,

you'll find

you do too.

Don't try to change me.

I'll try not to change you

When we find you cause

I'm ahead

You find

you do too

Don't try to blame me now.

I'll try not to break it

when we find you put out

and believe in you.

You'll find

you guilty.

Don't try to blame me.

I'll try not to blame you

when we find you cut out.

You'll find

you duty.

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