#339: Flanny Got Fingered

All right, Q, you've got to weigh in.

Who came closer to getting raped?

Yeah, you.

This guy.

Boom, baby.

Could you not say impractical joker and send Dusky in the same sand temper again, please?

I open my front door.

There they are looking at me with their non-white eyes.

Tell them, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em Steve, Dave.

I want to try to

slowly introduce an affectation into my voice where I can be like,

hello, darlings.

Like in the 1930s,

like film star?

How do people do that?

Like, I kind of just suddenly start talking that way and have people buy it.

Like, how slow do you have to introduce that sort of affectation?

I'm like, hello, darlings.

How are you?

This is.

No, too much.

I think you start saying, because you're changing not only your speech pattern but also the words you say you're changing because you never say hello darling so what I would do if I was you and I wanted to pull this off I would start saying hello darling in my own voice like okay slow slow so you know like hello darlings where and then like once they get used to like did that motherfucker just say darlings and then once that's normalized then you start slipping in the like the cadence okay you know there's slow rollout slow roll hello darlings and welcome to this week's edition of Steve Davis

Another hundred episodes, they're going to be like, well, that's just the way he talks, I guess.

Yeah.

But there are people like, you got to maintain that.

Every day.

Like, if that's your, the way you talk.

Yeah.

Because nobody really grows up.

Like, I live next to, when I lived in Highlands, I had the house.

I lived next to these guys.

They were, they were so white.

Their last name was literally white.

And

but whenever they were in their little group of buddies, they had this very abonics going on and

like very like hoodish type speech.

But then when I spoke to them or you heard them talking to somebody who wasn't like in their little

gang, speaking very, you know, like sort of without the abonics and shit.

Right.

Why do you jump?

I don't know.

I've heard that black people do the same thing.

When they're around white people, they white it up.

Like, hello, darlings.

Yeah, they talk like that.

And I've heard that that's actually like, you

yet another microaggression that they're expected to speak white

is what I've read recently.

I don't know because all the black people that I know don't speak like me.

You know what I mean?

Like,

they don't, I guess I'm not important enough for people to put on a Staten Island.

Yeah.

So I don't know.

I tried to point out your stupidity the other day on Twitter, but you didn't notice.

I would just say.

And nobody got the joke either.

Because

you're talking about Wonder Woman, and you said I would see it 100 more times.

Yeah.

But you wrote like

A.

Whatever it was, it was like A.

You said, I hope she makes 100 of these.

Yeah, 100 of these, like A 100.

But you could really, you could have left out the A and it would just be 100.

So I wrote,

because you could either write A and then the word 100, A 100.

Okay.

Or you could write.

So I said 100.

A 100, right.

I see.

So I wrote, I hope she makes.

A 200.

And nobody got it at all.

And then I stopped tweeting.

Because people could read it and be like, I hope she makes 100 of these.

They could be, but they'd be wrong.

So, all right.

Let's desperately try.

So,

your big swing for the day was to criticize someone on the internet for their grammar?

One letter.

Okay.

Someone who historically has good grammar?

I would much prefer.

I much prefer you go that route, though, than those routes, right?

That is.

I tweeted twice in a week, once to Q and once to Josh Groban.

At least Josh Groban answered me.

Q didn't even answer me.

Yeah, definitely a much better

use of the Twitter

that you get.

That's just to say to not use it at all.

No,

I think those innocuous, is that the word?

Innocuous.

Could you tweet that, please?

So I can go after it.

I think those are definitely

the right

move for you.

And,

you know, going after Q for that.

I thought I saw it, and I thought it made me smile, but not, I didn't notice the A thing either.

I just thought you were making fun of him because you're like, Oh, because he's such an ass kisser.

And I thought you were like, I hope she makes 200.

Like, you know, like one-upping him on someone you really didn't care about.

That's what I thought it was.

It didn't make me laugh, but it made me smile, though.

And that's what your goal should be.

Pleasantry, smiles.

Make people smile.

Yeah.

Because it's hard to make people laugh on Twitter.

I would imagine it's hard to make people laugh out loud.

But if you can make them smile.

Every single tweet, I just imagine people rolling.

No.

Was Chelsea Clinton once?

Nobody was laughing.

Maybe you were,

like the guy in Cape Fear.

That's Katie.

Pam's like, what's with all the cigar smoke?

But I think you may have been the only one laughing at

your display of humor on Twitter during the Chelsea Clinton arrow once.

But like I always said, I always thought that you should have retired from Twitter when

you pwned the world.

When you

Joe Paterno.

Yeah, when you were going after the...

Five years ago.

You had such great tweets at that moment.

You should have gone out on top, man.

That was your like, you know.

I should have hung in too long.

Did you see that people just, more people just got put in jail for that same shit?

The Joe Paterno arrow.

Yeah, it was like

it was

two guys,

like one guy, I think, got jail time.

And they're always like, oh, but he did all this other stuff.

It's like, yeah, but he also turned his head and turned a blind eye to a fucking kid getting molested.

Yeah.

Wait, whoa, I'm not following you.

So this is.

Somebody got put in jail for turning their head?

Or somebody got put in jail for turning their head?

Yeah, turn their head and go on.

No,

they knew that it was.

going on, and they got put in jail for knowing and not saying anything?

Right.

Ooh.

Yeah, because it was like internal stuff that

I guess emails and shit.

What are you charged with in that instance?

I guess it would be like

aiding, abetting, something like that.

I'd have to ask Troy.

He'd know.

Well, I wouldn't want to ask a lawyer.

Do we have any lawyers that listen to that?

Yeah,

we have

the girl, I can't remember, the Vermont lawyer.

Would you think that you could go to jail for you?

You know, somebody committed a crime you don't say anything, yeah.

I think so.

Yeah, I mean, unless you have reason

to fear,

like, yeah, you could, like, you would think a good defense attorney could.

What about the statute limitations?

Marry Rachel.

Well, they'd have to prove that, well,

they'd have to prove they knew about it.

Hey, look, I'm not saying that they, like, I want these guys to get off, but

they already did.

Boom.

But I'm surprised that I wonder what the charge is on that, though, for knowing and not saying anything.

I'm surprised it's not the first thing that comes up.

It's Penn State, Penn State football, Penn State hockey, then Penn State football again.

I think that is

like if you know that child law station is going on.

Yeah.

I think it's definitely illegal if you know you don't say anything.

Especially when it's like

that was the penn state uh that was the oh oh yeah fucking staying

absolutely absolutely sorry um

uh yeah that's of course so but i i know but like is it all crimes i don't think it's all crimes uh here you go uh well uh three school officials including school president graham spanier and athletic director tim curley were charged with perjury obstruction of justice failure to report suspected child abuse and related charges.

Yeah.

I mean, some crimes have a moral.

Like, you got to turn them in.

Like, if I see a bunch of kids shoplifting, I mean,

I'm not going to round them out.

When I see a bunch of kids fucking fingering someone half their age, I'll be like, whoa, what's happening here?

You know what I mean?

How old are the kids?

Let's say they're 14 and their victim is seven.

I'll step in.

You're fingering them?

Yeah, there's like a massive issue.

What about this gray area, though?

Finger someone your own age.

Finger each other, you bastards.

What about if it's a hot 30-year-old female teacher?

Fingering a seven-year-old?

That'd still be quite exactly.

No, fingering a 14- or 15-year-old.

Oh, man.

I'm in high-five mode at that point.

Like, I'll just stand by and wait until he's done before I get it.

Until he's done fingering.

We're getting whatever, whatever.

Because you know what?

What if he was fingering that seven-year-old instead of the fucking 30-year-old teacher?

We got to take the seven-year-old.

14-year-olds want to finger people.

Yeah, but

you can't do that to a seven-year-old.

No.

And you have a moral responsibility to stop that from happening.

Yeah.

But if you knew, like, you were walking by and you're like, this kid is obviously like 14 and there's a 30-year-old.

I don't know if any of Sandusky's victims

were in their teens, I believe.

So it would be the same argument about the hot female teacher.

I don't know.

I can't believe I'm coming on Sandusky's side.

That doesn't seem right.

That doesn't seem like that's the angle I want to take on this.

I didn't see that happening.

It was being a Sandusky denier.

I don't know.

No, I guess then you've got to stop it.

Big headlines.

Sandusky sees, Impractical Joker, back to Sandusky.

You know how the celebrities get behind these cop killers?

For some reason,

they spend their whole career, ruining their whole careers, trying to get cop killers out of jail.

Could you not say impractical joker, send Dusky in the same sentence ever again, please?

I had a fucking mortgage to pay.

It was just horseplay claims, Q.

High five Edmund.

I promise to never, ever utter those two words in the same sentence.

There's a car down the street.

They have

a bumper sticker that says, we are Penn State.

And when the, I didn't get to it, but there was a, when that article first came out about these three guys getting in trouble and finally getting their fucking just desserts, I was going to print it out and just put it like under a windshield wiper.

And then I totally

do it.

That's funny.

Like, I mean, that's good.

That's good stuff.

Like, if you videotape yourself doing that and put it on Twitter, those are good.

Like, those are good.

That also makes people smile tweets.

Somebody shoots me.

Oh, oh, God.

Now, you know, and I'm sure you've come into contact with people who are graduates

of college, and they are so

proud of their

honor.

They're fevered when they're proud.

Yeah.

Like, unbelievable.

Like,

they live it and breathe it.

And if you cut them, they bleed the colors of their school.

If you are a graduate of Penn State, how can you go around being like, yo, Penn State?

Oh,

I mean, certainly that time frame, like, you gotta cool with that for a couple of years.

I would have got pumper stickers on

Nicky Lions, yo!

Yeah, I mean, Sandusky and his son are still in jail right now.

Oh, they're never getting out, right?

What do you mean, still in jail?

But I mean, it's not like sons, they haven't died yet.

The son got up to some shenanigans, he's a horseplay of his own.

Oh, man, that's crazy.

What a family!

Yeah,

But, like,

what's the buffer?

Like, what's the time period where you're like, you know, we really got to

amp down the Pence Day for Bravado?

I think the

earliest would be,

I want to say

four to five years.

Five years.

Yeah, before you start breaking.

Before you start going, like, before you start going, you know.

Because then everybody that was involved in it has graduated and moved on.

You know what I mean?

But if you're like the class that never met Sandusky, that was never there during it, you could be like, I don't know, if I was there, I would have been like, fuck this guy.

You know what I mean?

Like, there's a certain deniability to cycling it out.

Coach, why a finger in a seven-year-old?

Not cool.

Coach?

Yeah, coach, stop.

When I ask you, really, what I'm saying is, stop.

Yeah, the Sandusky Sun.

Do you know how fucking lucky we are that we got through life without ever getting like fucking molested?

It is pretty

fortunate, yeah.

I mean,

why is Walt?

Very quiet.

He's like, you guys aren't lucky at all.

Darlings.

I can't.

I mean, although we have plenty of experience seeing how that affects people.

Never for the better.

It doesn't seem that way.

Like, people come out the other end like, hey, man, I'm better for it.

Yeah, not even like, I mean,

they're okay.

I'm not saying, like, you know what I mean, but it's just like, what a fucking, I mean, some of them are okay, some of them are really fucked up.

But, you know, anytime like I think about

my child, feel like unkind towards my childhood, I'm like, you know what?

I was safe.

Really?

You know what I mean?

Like,

I never revealed this, but I almost got, I almost happened, almost happened.

What happened?

I was hitchhiking.

Remember this?

I remember when you you were a child and this happened, yes.

How old are you?

I wasn't 21.

I was still, all right.

I wasn't, I don't even know if I was 18.

I might have been 17.

No, you had to be 18.

I was 18.

You were working at a food town.

I was working in Sea Brighton for a time.

I didn't have a license.

I came closer than you.

Captain Longmutz?

Not even him a different dude.

But all right, well, let's tell our missing.

Let's tell our near misses.

Let's tell our near misses.

We'll see who gets to.

You came closer to a near miss.

I don't even have a near miss.

I was totally insulated.

So I worked about, I don't know,

two, three miles from my home at a food town.

And I would ride a 10-speed bike there.

Sometimes I would get dropped off by my mom.

And one of these nights, sometimes I would just walk.

But one of these nights, this was in the era where, like, you know, hitchhiking, I don't know if hitchhiking was that, like, you don't ever see anybody hitchhiking anymore, do you?

I hitchhiked in Hawaii like three months ago.

Did you?

What?

Yeah, I had to get somewhere.

And like, it was a car to get to me would have been like an hour.

So I just walked up to the highway and hitchhiked.

Well, I know in like a huge hit.

They do it in Alaska and stuff, too, because it's so far between places.

Did you get picked up?

Yeah.

By a stranger.

Yeah.

This is shockingly like.

You didn't tell me this either.

That's shockingly, like,

really like.

Why?

It's Hawaii, man.

It's bizarre behavior.

On my part?

They've got ice all over the place.

You ever see Dog the Bounty Hunter?

That island is just like.

It's wild.

Well, I mean, I'm not going to get into a car that pulls up and it looks like a fucking Janky.

So, what are you going to say?

What are you going to say when I pull over?

Are you on meth?

Oh,

I don't care about their feelings.

I'd be like, nah, it's all right, buddy.

Thank you.

They're not mad at me.

You'd pull that card of like, I'm not going to get in the car.

You look a little ditched.

Without a doubt, 100%.

What am I going to get in that piece of shit just to save their feelings?

But you can't.

I mean, look at somebody like Ted Bundy, man.

Like, you'd probably get in a car with Ted Bundy.

Like, good-looking guy.

Irresponsible, well-grown,

though.

But for a man your age.

Why?

Nobody's going to fucking take care of himself.

Yeah, like, like, it's not like I'm infirm.

Like, I can handle myself.

What if you.

Okay, so.

What if there was somebody?

A guy in the front seat, a guy in the back seat.

Do you get in that car?

Probably not.

So now you're like, so there's a lot of caveats to this thing.

Yeah, of course.

There's no caveats.

I hitchhiked.

Yeah, but like, so, like, so if there are two normal-looking dudes, one in the front, one in the back.

Well, why is he riding in the back seat?

Is my question.

Well, he gets out.

He's like, I'll get in the back, buddy.

No, that to me is like.

No.

That would send your flag.

I got in the back seat.

I got in the back seat.

You got in the back seat.

So

there were two people in the front?

Yeah, two people in front.

A guy, a guy, and a girl.

But she was older.

Did they have any idea that a Joker was in their car?

No.

Even at the end of the ride?

No.

Surprise.

You didn't recognize it.

They drove it.

They drove you.

Do you think, are you as shocked at that revelation as

a dream?

Yeah, it is dream.

I'm surprised that you didn't have a rental car.

Well, we did have a production vehicle, but it had left to take people back.

I would have had to wait for it.

So, were you all pissy?

Were you like, fine, that'll fucking hitchhiking?

I'm gonna kill you.

I'm never pissy.

I'm never pissy when it comes to that sort of stuff.

I was like, all right, no big deal.

I was like, I'll just go up and hitchhike.

And people in the production were like, what are you fucking with?

They had the same reaction.

Yeah, they had your reaction.

I was like, yeah, it's not a big deal.

I'll just go up.

I stuck my thumb out.

And these people are going to be able to get it.

How long did it take to get pulled off?

I mean, it was within four minutes.

It was like right away.

That's what I was saying.

Were they Hawaiian?

He was, yeah, because he was telling me about, he was telling me stories about when we were driving past like a waterfall, he was talking about like how that used to be sacred to his great-great.

Oh, so he looked like he was a Hawaiian.

He was a Hawaiian Hawaiian.

Yeah.

Although he told me that there's no such thing as pure Hawaiians anymore.

He said that Hawaiians, true Hawaiians.

He gave you a speech on racial purity.

He did.

He said that when he said that when Hawaiian, that when the white man came to Hawaii.

Don't get me started, yo.

I'm from Shaolin.

I don't know about that shit.

You wouldn't believe it.

What I see on a daily basis.

What I got to put up with.

I opened my front door.

There they are.

Looking at me with their non-white eyes.

It's a fucking travesty.

So go on.

Tell me your soft story.

What's up, Brown Man?

Wait, so in his story, white people are bad, but in my story, it's not white people that are bad.

So that's how I'm trying to connect with this guy.

emphasizing with him.

You're like, I know exactly how you feel, except totally opposite.

Like, I kind of agree with the white people.

No, he said that they brought diseases.

And because the Hawaiians, Polynesians, whatever they were at the time, never ran into these diseases.

It wiped them all out.

He said

the only ones that survived were, they were Chinese people that came and started sleeping with.

the local population, and they were able to breed a strain of Hawaiians that are able to resist the white man's germs.

He says that there are no true Hawaiians left.

Every one of them.

That was Hitler's speech.

Super, super Hawaiian.

He was friendly about it.

I mean, listen, he was telling me stories about how you can't go near that waterfall.

That are impervious to disease.

Yeah.

That's what he said.

And then he said that I would have jumped out of that card that stood sick.

You'd think that would win for this part.

He points out a waterfall and he says

there's a spirit that lives in the waterfall.

They're very

superstitious.

It has killed any white people that approaches it, he said.

He says, only Hawaiians can, and even then, if the spirits is in a bad mood,

then it will kill.

It said it killed

a Hawaiian mother, it's two babies.

And then he goes, the search party went to the waterfall to find them, and then Boulder came out of nowhere and killed the search party.

It's some overkill shit, man.

Yeah.

There's a waterfall with a spirit.

There is a waterfall.

A mother brought her kids up there.

And what they fell down the waterfall?

He just said they drowned.

I don't know.

Okay.

But they were Hawaiian.

The spirit was in a bad mood that day.

And then when the search party went up to find them,

Boulder, he said nobody knows where it came from.

It flew in the air as if it was thrown and it killed the whole search party.

What year would this be?

He didn't get into it like that.

And were you not a little bit

nervous about it?

It was in the back seat.

I mean, it was a four-door car.

How long was Red?

15, 20 minutes.

Wow.

I cannot believe in this day and age

that you would take the risk of hitchhiking, though.

It's so irresponsible, though.

Aloha, bro.

It's really irresponsible to even talk about it on the podcast, though, because we've got young listeners.

Yeah, they're going to be like, oh, I want to have

it too.

I could do it, too.

Would you advocate people just getting in strangers' cars?

I would advocate that people should do whatever they think is best in their own lives.

And certainly don't look to an impractical joker for fucking life lessons.

If you do that, you're already already on the wrong foot.

Well,

it seems like it sort of

petered out in the 70s after like 99% of serial killers were getting their victims from hitchhiking.

But like you saw it into the 80s and it definitely slowed down to the point.

If I saw someone hitchhiking down the highway right now, I'd be like, that's bizarre.

Yes.

Like that's crazy.

Yes.

We should do it.

We should set up a camera and I'll just stand out there and hitchhike and we'll see how long it takes for somebody to pick me up.

Does it change your opinion that it was like 2, 3 in the afternoon, beautiful, bright, sunny Hawaiian day?

You know what I mean?

It was like, would you have done it in the evening?

I don't know.

But probably.

It was also the road was that one along the water.

It wasn't like in the middle of like woods and stuff like that.

You know what I mean?

It was like their highway.

So it felt safe.

So, what happens?

What's the, let's say you're feeling uncomfortable and he doesn't pull over.

What's your move?

I tell him to pull over.

Yeah.

I tell him, I said, if you don't pull over now, I'm going to fucking grab you from behind and start choking you.

Something like that.

I threatened to kill us all.

Yeah, no, fuck it.

and then he's gonna oh i got a gun he goes all right good luck shooting then i attack if he says he's got a gun then i hear then i'm on the attack escalated quickly you know uh yeah wow nice and sunny huh fuck you

all right but what's your story what's your

see if he almost got molested well yeah you came about as close by

the one and only time i ever hitchhiked

and uh i got picked up oh my god it's the second time i ever it actually i did it twice the first time i did it I got picked up by, and this is one of those stories where I thought it was going to go like, I thought I was in a, like, in a, in a, like, a, by Porkies or something.

I got picked up by, like, a young man.

Oh.

Yeah, I got picked up by like a young, uh, older woman.

A young, older woman.

Yeah, older than me at the time.

So we're like, well, like, in her late 20s.

Wow.

And I thought, like, I thought, like, it, I actually.

She's just going to finger me for sure.

Let me out of the car.

Oh, my God.

No.

But, you know,

nothing happened, though.

But so the second time, though, that I did it, I got picked up by a dude, and it was nighttime.

And he started staring at me while I was driving, not even looking at the road.

That's weird.

And I could feel him staring at me.

And he goes, you want to go party?

And I go, no, no.

He goes, I know there's a party.

Why don't you go come to the party with me?

Party?

And I was like, that's that's okay.

Party.

I mean, you're digging your own grave tonight.

And I luckily,

and I was getting really nervous and really self-conscious.

And he kept staring at me.

You got to start covering your price.

And he goes, well, do you party?

He goes.

And I go, yeah, I don't know.

I go, sure.

Well, you should have said no, because now you've insulted the guy.

He's like, do you want to come to a party?

Like, no, not with you.

I didn't want to make it sound like I was a square or a nerd.

Right.

So I was like, yeah, but I just got off work.

I said, I got to go home and take a shower and everything.

I'm a mess.

He goes, you look okay to me.

And I go,

yeah.

And so I knew I made a big, big, big mistake.

And I, and I remembered, I had a box cutter in my pocket.

Oh, he's like, fucking Mohamed over here.

A box cutter.

I didn't say that.

No, the guy barked at me.

I asked him if he wanted to party.

He barked something weird, slashed me, and we crashed.

I don't know where he went.

So I have my box cutter, and I took it out of my pocket and I had it in my hand.

And I go, you could just let me out right underneath the Highlands Bridge.

Right.

Would that lead you into Seabright?

Leads you into Sandy Hook.

Yeah, I'm aware.

And

my heart was pounding.

I was so scared that he was going in.

It's going to make a party.

I was like, if I get out,

I was talking to God.

I was like, if you just get me out of this car without anything happening, I will never hitchhike again and I will go to church and I will be a good person, yada, yada.

All these promises that I never kept.

And

so he didn't stop, though, when I asked him, right up here, and he didn't kept going.

And I was just like, bro, right up here, right up here is fine.

And then he goes, all right, all right.

And he pulled over and he let me out, though.

Wow.

But I was

kind of nervous.

I was so, so terrified, though, and I never hitchhiked again, though.

How old were you?

I've never told that person that I probably told you.

Yeah, I remember that happening.

I was just like, why don't you just call me?

I had a car.

Yeah, I didn't want to keep bugging bugging you, though, because you had driven me many times.

How old was the guy?

That I do for you.

God, in the dark.

He could have been in his 30s.

He could have been in his 40s.

I don't remember.

Which would be old to us

at 18.

Yeah, at 18, he looked older to me.

Uncut penis.

So I was almost, you know,

I was almost sanduskied.

That sounds hairy.

You almost got sandusky pretty bad.

What about you?

I think I've told this story before.

I was.

Was it TSD?

Yeah, I think so.

I was.

Oh, is this with the pot?

No.

Oh, no, not that guy.

Fake oregano?

No, we were selling shitty pot, and the guy was like, come on in and smoke this good stuff.

And it was good, and it, like, knocked us on our asses.

But that guy wasn't like, now we're going to suck fix or whatever.

No, I was in Atlantic Highlands, and London,

our friend Mark London, had a bike, and he was riding home.

And I was going to take the bus.

We were right across the street from

like Food Town, not across the highway, but across the street.

And I see a guy drive by, and he like leans down and looks at me real fast as I'm sitting on the bus bench.

And he goes around that circle and he swings on by, and he

like the windows down, and he goes, Hey, you want to ride?

And I was like, Sure, because I thought it was the Reverend from the church that I went to once in a while.

And so I get in the car, and we start driving, and I look over, I'm like, That's not the Reverend.

So I remember he had cashmere on, like, he was like playing some rocks.

Show that Zeppelin on?

Yeah, Yeah, some Zeppelin.

I was thinking about he was dressed all in cashmere.

I was like,

some classy sand dust.

Where'd you get that?

He's a pimp.

He's soft.

Dry clean as shit.

No,

he's like, so

where are you coming from?

And I was like, I already was like, oh, shit, this guy, there's something up with him.

And I was like, my girlfriend.

So she wasn't my girlfriend.

She was just my friend.

And he goes, oh, cool.

He goes, so do you get many blowjobs?

And I remember I was like, I get my fair share.

Having never gotten a blowjob up to that point.

Did you know what it was?

Yeah, I'm just like, maybe I have.

I don't know.

Were you old enough to know what it was?

Oh, yeah.

I was like 50.

All right.

I had given several, but then I just was waiting for my turn to come around.

And

he was, same thing.

He was like, do you want to hang out?

He didn't say party, but he was like, do you want to hang out?

And I was like, no, I'm already in trouble.

My parents are expecting me and blah, blah, blah.

And like as we're driving, I see London like pedaling his ass something along the highway.

I'm like, fuck, I wish I was him.

And we finally stopped by the Catholic Church, like two blocks from where I live.

And

he was like, all right, well, we'll hang out another time, which obviously we didn't.

I mean, you know, he didn't come through with the blowjob.

But I was telling the story in Spanish class, and somebody was like,

as I got into the story, he goes, holy shit, that faggot tried to pick me up.

And it was like a guy who was going around like picking up kids, you know, young boys, and like paying them to let him suck their cock, which had I known, that was going to be the deal.

Who do you think?

All right, cute, you've got to weigh in.

Who came closer to getting raped?

Yeah, you.

This guy.

Boom, baby.

This guy was

menaced.

Yeah, I guess my guy was kind of cordial about it.

That shit still goes on.

My buddy Jiggy, the guy who opens for us, we were in

Chattanooga.

And this was last year.

And an Uber driver went to drop him off at the hotel.

And the guy goes,

he goes, hey,

like he, Jiggy tells the story, right?

He says he was so sunny and cheerful.

Like when he pulled up to the thing, it was like midnight.

He goes, hey, you want to blow jump?

And Jiggy was like, no, I'm okay.

He's like, I'll just, he goes, I'll just take you right around the back.

He goes, I'll blow you.

You don't have to do anything.

I'll just blow you.

And who wouldn't mistake Jiggy for a 16-year-old?

And Jiggy left.

So that shit's still going.

And Jiggy was like, nah.

And the guy was like, all right, man.

No problem.

Well, there are tons of guys that would be like, fuck yeah.

Yeah, I guess.

But it must be.

I'd be like, I'm sorry, what?

What did you just say?

Like, the fuck did you just say to me?

Yeah, you would have to be like, there's no way I heard what I think I just heard.

Yeah.

Well, it must be.

Seeing the world now through much more mature and more open eyes, it must be hard to be a gay man

because you're always like, well.

How do you know?

How do you know if you're

if the person you're you always gotta like you're you're always putting yourself out there well, I think that's why you need a vibrant open gay community.

You know what I mean?

It must be really like hellish to be like, well, how do I know?

Should I say anything?

Should I should I got a feeling?

You know, you think, so you blame Jiggy for putting off that vibe.

No, just so yeah, but like, I guess, I guess today it's a little bit different, but boy, it must have been hard to make that first move, right?

Oh, dude, if you made the first move in the 70s, it could like mean your death.

Literally mean your life.

Right.

Yeah.

So you're like, you, you really have to be sure that like you're not going to get turned down.

Back then, these days, you could just be like, hey, you want your dick sucked?

Somebody's like, not really.

There's an apple for it.

They'll just move on to the next guy.

Yeah.

Wow.

It's good that's the world we live in now.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Where it's just open propositions.

Like, there's no way that guy, like, if he's an Uber driver and it's a girl and he's like, they're not supposed to do that.

You want to get fucked?

An Uber?

Like, that sounds aggressive, right?

I don't think, yeah, I think there's probably somewhere in the Uber bylaws is like, do not offer to blow passengers.

I don't know.

Uber's pretty fucked up.

But like, you, but, like, what, now, is, if, let's say it's not that forward, though.

Right.

Can you make any kind of

passion for you?

If you should be doing that to women, no matter what?

No, no, no.

I didn't mean.

I mean, over, well, to men or women.

To men, I mean, like, look, I don't know.

Here's the double standard.

Well, I can handle anybody hitting on me, but like a woman who calls a car to get home home and then suddenly she's getting hit on, which I'm sure happens almost every time they get into a fucking Uber anyway.

That's like, that's not right.

How do you know you could handle yourself, though?

You don't have the experience like me and Walt fending off these fucking horn dogs.

Do you know how many fights I've been in my life?

Maybe more than me and Walt.

But not one of those fights was to sleep with you, though.

Yeah.

Nobody was naked.

Nobody wanted to get, nobody wanted to just

make love to you, though.

No, but I think I would fight only harder in that situation.

Oh, you would fight harder against a guy who just wants to love you?

Who's trying to rape me?

No, no, no, no, trying to finger me?

Me?

Oh, no.

If some dude hit on me, I wouldn't.

That wouldn't have phased me at all.

Has it happened yet?

You know what?

At the fucking upfronts, Sal is like.

At the upfronts.

Slow these up fronts.

Super drunk A dude was literally like, I like he said flat out, I want to suck your dick to me.

That was three weeks ago.

It's very funny.

He's like, I also drive for Uber part-time.

Yeah,

is the gay community

forward at this point, though?

Wait, did you appear so?

I mean, I'm glad that

they're living in a climate now.

I think this one guy was drunk and very out there.

Like Flamboyant.

But that's very good.

Like, hello, cue.

That's basically it.

Really?

That's very forward, though.

There's no, like, hey,

you want to go to a movie?

I don't know if you take a shot.

Like, you want to go to see a movie?

So not used to romance at first.

He knows that, like, if they say Q's been drinking, maybe Q's like, sure, go ahead, whatever.

But it's like, if they're going to a movie and then the next, it's like, hey, you want to go hang out in the park for a little bit and throw Frisbee?

And then it's like four dates, and then he's like, there's no way Q's putting up with all that.

Yeah.

Right?

But I probably wouldn't have just taken

from a dude.

Probably.

I guess that forward, yeah, I think so.

I've never had a dude ever say that.

Yeah, I mean, what's wrong with us?

Yeah.

Well, I mean,

it took me 41 years for that.

That's not like.

Yeah, man, but we're already on 49 or 8 years.

If it hasn't happened yet, it ain't going to happen.

Oh, no, not now.

Well,

you're a bear, dude.

You can get away.

You can get it.

Yeah, not for long.

I have to go on this

hypoglycemic diet or fucking get my weight down so I don't get diabetes and lose a fucking foot or something.

Then it'll

watch it.

I bet you there's even a community that likes like men with one foot.

Yeah, they're like, look at this fat ass with one foot.

Let me suck his cock and he can't run away.

Whenever, like, whenever I, whenever I take a lover, I'm about to make love to a special lady.

I always do it on a Casper mattress, you guys.

It's a sleep brand that created one perfect mattress, which they sell directly to consumers, eliminating commission-driven inflated inflated prices.

So you take the commission out of the hands of that guy.

Yeah.

He's trying to feed his family by selling mattresses.

Fuck him.

Because now we got Casper.

And that guy's not even in the fucking equation anymore.

Now he's just a chump.

Yeah, now he's just some asshole that's like, hey, driving for Uber.

He's like, you want a blowjob?

It only costs you $10.

They have an adaptive pillow, soft, breathable sheets.

Do you have Casper sheets, Walt?

I have a Casper.

No, I don't have Casper sheets yet.

I've got the pillow.

I've got the mattress, but not the sheets.

Right.

You've got to complete that set.

Casper offers free delivery and free returns with a hundred-night risk-free trial.

If you don't love it, they'll pick it up and refund you everything.

They're constantly using feedback.

So I guess they're saying, hey, man, our mattress isn't perfect.

What don't you like about it?

And they'll listen to you.

There would be nothing I could say negative about it.

I mean, this is probably the most honest I'll ever be regarding

any of the items we've ever had on Telm Steve, Dave.

All right, do you want to hear what real douchey customers have said?

The mattress is like sleeping on a brioche.

A brioche?

Yeah.

What's that?

It's like a fluffy bun or something, right?

Fucking lose a live in Williamsburg.

Fucking laugh.

It's like being cradled by the tinkling of baby laughter in the moonlight.

Who the fuck said that?

Somebody who wanted to get quoted.

I guarantee he was wearing like a fedora or beret of some shit in the middle.

Wait a minute.

Say it again.

That's the first time I heard it, too.

Read it again.

Like being cradled by the tinkling of baby laughter in the moonlights.

Quote unquote, Sandusky.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

He's like, you had me a tinkling.

And baby.

I also think that Casper was about to never fucking mention Sandusky on the same side.

Wait a minute.

So now I know not to mention IJ and Sandusky didn't want a sense.

And Casper.

That's right.

Got it.

All right.

Those are the two things.

Buying the Casper is easy.

You order online.

You don't have to go to the store and have some weirdo fucking smells of them being like, hey, you want a blowjob with that mattress?

It's delivered to your door in a compact box.

Free shipping and free returns available in the US, Canada, now the UK.

Considering we spend one-third of our lives on a mattress, some of us more, right, Q?

$50 towards any mattress purchase by visiting casper.com/slash T-E-S-D.

Use the promo code T-E-S-D.

Oh my God.

There's all kinds of points here.

Nobody cares about these points, though.

Just, it's a great mattress.

That's what you need to know.

They don't need to know about the San Francisco RD team.

Yeah.

My parents stole mine immediately, and they love it.

4.8 out of 5 stars across 30,000 global reviews who say it's like being cradled in the tinkling of baby laughter by the moonlight.

Who fucking writes that down?

What does it even mean?

What does it even mean?

It doesn't mean anything.

No, it doesn't.

Somebody's like, hey, man, I'm going to get poetic with this shit.

And then it comes out suddenly.

It blocks light real good.

Wolf Flanagan.

That's the quote you need.

Yeah.

That's the real man's fucking quote.

Flanking.

Fuck drapes by a Casper.

What is this thing that I'm playing with?

It's like

a fidget.

It's not a spinner, but it's like another fidget thing where I guess you're supposed to relieve stress or whatever.

So I'm using it correctly already just by

doing that.

You can do whatever you want.

But it has caused me not to be stress relief.

Yeah.

Fuck that thing.

Get away from me.

I know you guys are very woke, so I wanted to ask you,

and as long as we're talking about gay stuff,

your feelings on this picture that I stumbled across today on Katie Lott's

Twitter.

Who's Katie Lots?

She's an actress.

Okay.

Okay.

Superman and Batman kissing.

Superman and Batman make it out.

I'm guessing that's not official DC

product.

I'm thinking not.

Right.

It looks like, doesn't it look like Superman is kind of like.

He looks a little shocked.

What the?

What the what?

Do you think he's flying Batman to safety and Batman was just starting to get away from the fly?

Oh, he's like, thanks, bro.

And then he kissed him?

Yeah.

What do I think about it?

I mean, it doesn't affect me at all.

You don't care, huh?

Yeah.

Does it affect you as a comic book?

No.

What do I care?

That they put Superman and Batman.

That's not even a woke thing.

That's just like, dude, life's too fucking.

Even with the Trump photo with Kathy Griffin, I was like, that's the other thing I'm worried about.

Why does anybody give a shit?

I was curious about your opinions.

I cannot believe that anybody gives a shit.

That's so shocking that people care.

Like, it's stunning.

Who gives a shit?

I mean, I know that the right has been waiting to pounce on something like this, and so they got their opportunity.

I get it.

But it's just like for people to be upset about it, you're just like, oh, my God.

You realize there's a fucking war going on.

But at the same time, it's like, Kathy Griffin, do not

try to play the victim here either.

It's like she apologizes, and then she's like, I'm not backing down.

Which by definition of apologizing means you're backing down, right?

You're like, I'm sorry for what I did, and I regret what I've done, and it upsets so many people.

She's so solemn in the picture with the head.

She's like, I know what statement I'll make.

And then the apology with the makeup, I was like, she was 100% separated from Ronald McDonald at birth.

She looked fucking crazy, man.

What do you mean, lack of makeup?

Lack of makeup.

Sorry, yeah.

Like, her orange fro is all puffed out.

And I'm assuming that's a move, right?

Like, some publicist is like, when you make the apology,

look harroid.

Yeah, like.

Harried?

Harried, yeah.

Like, do it with no makeup.

Like, you're bearing your soul.

You're coming to them.

Get a fucking grip every time.

Naked and unafraid.

And

yeah, like our people have already moved on.

By the time she's like, the Trumps are bullying me.

It's like, just because you apologize doesn't mean that people aren't.

What are They're going to be like, oh, it's okay, I guess.

We live in an outraged culture.

People are already offended.

They just don't know what, and they're looking to apply that at anything.

Yeah.

So if you.

She made it very easy.

Part of your job, if you're in the public eye, is to just shut the fuck up and keep your opinions to yourself and make as much money as you can and get the fuck out.

That's part of the job description.

As far as I'm seeing it though, it sounds like that's part of your personal manifesto.

Yeah, it is.

But a comedian walks a different walk, though.

They can't.

Well,

you're not purely a comedian when you're working for CNN.

Yeah.

That's why you got the job, though, because you're a comedian.

Look, I'm saying she could say whatever she wants, and it doesn't matter to me, which I don't give a shit that she took a picture.

But if you want to have a fucking brain in your head in this day and age, you shut the fuck up.

You keep your head down.

You take the money, and that's it.

You don't want to do it?

Don't do it.

But I mean, like,

but comedians, though, they are,

that's their job is to provoke

a provocateur.

Absolutely.

Oh, sweet French.

But she wasn't.

I pitched that one out perfect.

Yeah, you did.

Yeah, I agree.

Practicing all week, I knew we were going to talk about it.

A provocateur.

No, and comedians, everybody should have the right to say shit like that.

It doesn't matter to me, but I'm just saying, like, if you've heard it, correct people are like, that's what I'm saying.

Why are you like, my career is over, I'm ruined?

It's just like, what the fuck did you think was going to happen in this day and age?

Yeah.

I mean, every, it's really, I mean, maybe they did.

Like, I thought it was weird that she apologized, and then, like, almost a full day later, her lawyer was like, well, this is the stand she was trying to make.

And of course, it's like white guys, you know, it's their lawyer?

It was her lawyer or her person or like some, yeah, it was her lawyer.

I'm pretty sure it was like an activist lawyer person.

If I was in trouble, I don't know if I told my lawyer like that.

I'd probably.

But, dude, there's press conferences and all that stuff.

Well, she's getting death threats.

Yeah, but why is your lawyer involved?

Well, I mean, you would, I would think you legally you want to make sure that you cover all your basic lawyer affairs are in order.

I guess.

Ever gotten a death threat?

Q?

Yes.

Yeah.

I've got a few.

I got one this week.

I don't know who got more this week.

You're trying to outdo everybody.

Kathy Griffin or me.

What do you mean what happened?

Last week

I floated the idea of a name change.

Yeah.

Oh, that death threat was me.

I was drunk.

And the amount of emails and death threats were off the charts.

So

obviously we can't do it now.

Q The Laffe is dead.

Long live Television Day.

I mean, someone took you seriously?

A lot of people took him seriously.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you know what?

I don't understand why people just can't relax and just let it play out.

I had this great idea, this grand idea, where we would put, what episode number is this?

This is like 338 or something.

And like, I was like, let's just pick episode 350 as the last episode.

And we build every episode towards the last episode like we did with the Sopranos.

So like 10 more episodes to the last episode of TSD.

And those last 10 episodes would be like, we'd call back all old friends, everybody.

There wouldn't be a dry eye

in the house.

Everybody listening, it'd be so, so sweet and emotional.

And then, but in the back of everybody's head, knowing that, like, it's not really, like, it wouldn't end, end.

Why won't they let me troll them?

Yeah, but so you just expected universal praise, but that wouldn't work then.

Yeah, I want universal praise.

I want, I want the, I want universal praise, and I want to be on all the lists that say, you know, tell them Steve Dave is a must-listen to podcast.

I want all that.

But I mean, from our audience,

I would have figured you'd said it knowing people were going to get outraged.

No, I thought they would just be like, let it fucking ride out.

Don't fucking send me emails telling me how important TSD is to you.

You think they would have learned the lesson from the trial?

I understand.

Like,

let me fuck with you.

Let me just fuck with you for the next four months.

Like, how great would it have been?

Like, you know, you get that.

like, that would be building to a crescendo.

Right.

Right, Tilly?

Nice.

Wow.

Of the, like, the last, like, nine more episodes till TSD ends.

And then, you know, and you have that in the back of your head.

You're knowing it's like, it's.

But then what happens?

Then cute to last starts.

For how long?

Until we grow tired of it.

And then we're like, and then we're like, guess what?

TSD's back.

And we fucking.

Fucking moron and leave us.

But then we bring the hoopla back, tell them Steve Days back.

Right.

Just like the new Coke did.

And they made a big splash and they got all sorts of ink.

I like that you're doubling down on the

New Coke

business plan, which failed horribly.

No, it didn't, though.

But

the amount of PR,

the amount of sales of New Coke,

the lead up, we're like, we're not going to be selling New Coke anymore.

And people will order New Coke like penicillin.

And I mean, we could have did all that.

We could have had this rollout.

You know what?

I also had this great idea to make people think we're really doing it, really.

Yeah.

At the ninth to last episode, we're like, all the merchandise in the Telman Steve Dave store is 10% off.

Every week, it'll drop down 10 more percent.

Right.

So don't buy it now because three weeks from that, it'll be even cheaper.

So in nine weeks, it was like 90% off on all Tom Steve Dave.

We're taking a loss for the joke.

Just for this joke.

And then we would restock the store.

It would all cue the last stuff

until we sold out all that stuff.

And then we bring Telman Steve Dave back.

It would have been awesome, man.

But no.

Fucking.

You got that.

People ended up threatening to kill me over it.

I just like that you're saying it would have the same cultural impact as the Sopranos.

But you know how it would have been impactful.

It would have been awesome.

The amount of like.

Why are you giving up?

Why?

Because they're like, if you do this, I will kill you.

I think that's a pretty good reason to be like, you know what?

People aren't taking it a little bit too seriously.

So now I'm going in the other way.

Okay, we can't do cue to laugh.

So now my focus is 180%.

Is that what you'd be right?

180% or 100, you know,

in the other terms.

Or a 100%.

Oh, a 180-degree turn.

Now

I want to do something like I want to make June the official month of Telum.

You know how people have days like Chocolate Chip Cookie Day?

I want to have

June be the official Tellum Steve Dave month where we just where everybody's awareness.

Yeah.

That's good.

Step aside, brain tumors.

It's Tellum them Steve Dave awareness now.

I want to have tell them Steve Dave, June be the month where we ask all the ants to do everything they can to bring awareness to tell them Steve Dave.

Like how on Stern, like

a lot of times, if there was a live newscast, somebody would be like, Baba Booey or Edward Stern.

Yes.

If you see that going on, you have to run up and be like,

tell him Steve Dave.

Or TSD.

Anything tell them Steve Dave related.

Like, you know how they were spray painting Andre the Giant's face all over the place?

Something TSD now, like to start graffitiing it up.

Do we have stickers?

Do we sell stickers?

That's what I'm getting into.

In June,

since June is now officially tell him Steve Dave, the month of June is now telling Steve Dave Dave Dave Dave December Dave.

We're in June.

Yeah.

You're going to make it July.

No, no, make it.

We're going to start.

I know this is Tell him Steve Dave, but we start in the middle of June.

Okay, got it.

We're a little late.

And to celebrate, we have

on Monday,

June 13th, would it be, Brian?

It would be the 13th.

This coming Monday, we're going to drop all sorts of new

celebrate Tom Steve Dave month.

Oh, I see.

Got flags.

This is the big thing that you wanted, right?

I wanted flags.

Because I want to put it on the back of my motorcycle on a little pole and drive around with it fluttering.

Nice.

Yeah.

You shouldn't say pole because you fend the Polish.

Because they think Polak.

Oh, I thought you meant you want a Polish midget on the back of your bike holding the flag.

I mean, that's a wow.

Is that what you were alluding to?

Yes.

So, Pole is offensive extended.

But holding the flag upside down.

So, you're like, the midget's fine.

The midget part's fine.

The pole part's the issue?

I don't know.

I still think that word is still up for grabs if that's really offensive or not.

I'm not sure.

If it is.

Midget?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think universally it's been decided that.

Oh, it is?

Oh, it's still not on the fence about that?

You still think mulatto is offensive.

So

we got four-colored demon enamel pins.

Those are awesome.

Got four-colored demon bumper stickers.

Great.

Four-color demon 3x5 flag.

That's a big flag.

People are going to love it, I'm telling you.

It's fucking awesome.

People are hanging on their own American flags.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And Tell him and a four-colored demon badge stickers.

I don't know what that means, badge stickers, but I guess they're like small.

Oh, it's the patch as a sticker.

Yeah, and they're going to be available on June 13th to start to kick off Telham Steve Dave Month.

Right.

And I mean, June 14th is Flag Day, so don't celebrate it with a four-color demons flag.

I don't know if you're going to get it.

It lets you overnight the shipping.

And even then.

Just pay $60, $70 to get it to you overnight.

Otherwise, you're not really celebrating Flag Day.

And we also have something.

Even another big.

Gonna make that shit look like shit.

I mean, the four-color demon stuff, awesome, awesome, and a great way to kick it off, but even something even bigger.

You know, how Q,

you've always said we should be in the Guinness Book of World Records because we have the world's first

podcast on vinyl.

Yes.

I remember when I was in the Guinness Book of World Records.

You're about to be again.

Oh, good.

You're about to be again because I believe it's possible that with the release of this new

item on TellmStevedave.com,

the world's first podcast concert movie.

Oh, wow.

Has it not been done?

I don't think it's been done.

Kevin's done it, hasn't he?

I don't think so.

No.

A concert movie?

I think you're right.

Hasn't our friend done it?

A night with Kevin Smith or Evening With?

Would that be considered a podcast?

He's not talking about it.

But he's not Jane Sanbob Get Old.

No, that's like stand-up stuff.

I don't think he's ever.

Like, he puts out an evening with Kevin Smith, but that's

Jane Sanboba Get Old.

Yeah, he does.

I have him.

they get, they go to Ireland and they go and they're more than one show?

You really stretch it out.

We need it.

We need it.

We don't need it.

We got the ants.

They want it.

You have to be in the Guinness book.

Well, this is the live show at the Grammar C.

We got to submit that.

Two live shows.

It's two live shows at the Grammar C

film like a concert movie, though.

What's your favorite concert movie of all time?

Elvis, that's the way it is.

Bry?

I thought you were going to say one of those Zeppelin ones, right?

The Song Remains the same.

The Song Remains the Same.

Oh, you're talking about a musical concert?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess it would be that.

I think it's better than that.

I think this is the one that's better than the Song Remains the Same.

Yeah, I think it's got more

footage from outside the venue.

It's got, this is the concert where we spit blood on stage, all of us.

That's true.

This is the concert that has

Overkill.

Yeah, I mean, it has all your favorite TSD alumni.

It's got

Sunday Jeff is there.

Gidhem.

Gidham sings a song on stage.

Sal is there.

Ming is there.

I mean, Maxwell

is in the movie.

So it's got everybody.

I mean, this is the...

If you wanted to see Tell him Steve Dave Live, you never got a chance because you may never see it again.

This is the opportunity.

This is it, huh?

This is it.

And it's called Tell Hem Steve Dave Live at the Grammar C.

And it's on tellhamstevedave.com.

Took us a while to come up with that title.

Oh, that is cool, man.

Yeah, $9.99, and you get almost three hours of content because if you order the live Grammar C show,

you're also going to get episode 300 footage that we filmed.

Bonus footage of the wedding.

The wedding of Giddam.

Come on, man.

10 bucks?

That's worth it.

Three hours of footage.

footage.

Yeah,

that's pretty fucking good.

Right?

Yeah.

I think it's too good.

I think we could have charged more, and nobody would have battened an eye.

So I like that you kept it.

I wanted to keep it reasonable.

I mean, you're going to kick off Tom Steve Dave month.

I want to make sure you don't.

Maybe if we did it at the beginning of the month, before people realizing, you know, they got mortgages to pay.

It's literally past its expiration.

That's what we should have done at the first of the month.

Welfare checks could have been cashed.

I want to thank Chuck Staten.

I pronounced his name wrong last week.

He's the director of this movie.

Kill you.

Yeah, he was the guy that said the death threat.

But he's done an amazing job.

I really can't thank him enough.

And

I want to thank Chris Ledondo.

He got the footage.

He got the people down here to film the episode 300

episode.

And it's got the, I mean, the episode where Get Him Got Married, you're going to get to

see for yourself what really happened.

I know people have listened to it a long time ago, but when you put

visuals,

oh, yeah.

When you see get them in that tux, when you see how young and innocent that one girl looks, she's a baby, you're like, oh my God, please don't win.

So that's

what do you think?

What are some of the things that the listeners can do to spread awareness other than buy all the stuff I just recognized?

Which is the most important.

Which is probably the most important, most impactful way that you can make a difference.

I'm going to

tell them some things.

By odd shit and having it sent to your house to look at.

What do you think about calling it this month?

Cinco TSD Mayo.

Well, Mayo is May.

May, yeah.

So that'd be

the Juno.

And Cinco is five.

So the

fifth of June.

I just love Cinco.

You didn't run that through Google Translate, did you?

But it doesn't matter.

Nobody knows what the Cinco de Mayo is.

Everybody knows what Cinco de Mayo is like.

I thought it was a drink.

No, it's the 5th of May.

It's the Mexican, like, revolutionary.

Like, even if I were to be like, hey, Pam, what does Cinco de Mayo mean?

She'd be like, who doesn't know this?

Why are you asking me?

I swear to God, till now, I had no idea what it meant.

I've never seen a corona commercial.

I've heard the phrase on radio and TV constantly.

I just thought it was a song.

Okay, let's just call it this Cinco TS DeMayo.

Let's just do it.

Fuck it.

Why wouldn't we?

I can't think of one reason.

The exact translation is

five Tellum Steve Day, May.

That's it.

That's the translation.

On my children's heads.

In June.

It's perfect.

On my children's heads.

I had no idea what it ever meant.

I just assumed it was something to go out and drink.

You should have asked your children.

They would have known.

What does it mean, though?

It's the 5th of May.

It's a celebration of the Mexican Revolution or Independence Day.

It has nothing to do with drinking?

Oh, it's got everything to do with drinking.

Okay, so I mean.

But in the way that, like, barbecuing has to do with Memorial Memorial Day, okay, but I don't understand I don't understand why people are like why you're scoffing at someone who may not know what it meant.

Like I don't speak Spanish because you're fucking 49 and it's been in your life.

But I've never, I don't know, I don't know one word of Spanish, though.

But it's a holiday.

Like it's a famous holiday.

Does anybody get off for the day?

To me, it literally would be like it's like Arbor Day.

No one knows when it really is.

Well, nobody knows when they do know what it is because it's the name of it.

Everybody knows exactly what it is.

I think it's superseded by the Day.

I don't know what December.

Like, when's June 19th?

If you don't speak Spanish, you don't know when it is.

And if you don't know what Arbor means, you're like, so how the fuck am I supposed to know?

Like, has to do with trees.

But do you know the exact date of Arbor Day?

But it's no.

But no.

Isn't it in September?

Yeah, but no, Arbor Day is fucking.

You don't know the exact date of Arbor Day.

But there's lots of.

You don't even know the month that Arbor Day is in?

I'm pretty sure it's in Spanish.

This is not an apples to oranges.

No, not even close.

You can't, you can't.

This is, again, another instance, though,

because if you don't speak the language, you should be expected to know it, though.

Only because it's a pretty heavily celebrated holiday in the United States.

Usually in the spring, it says.

Arbor Day?

So, again, totally clueless, just like I was.

So June is

a fucking meaningless holiday

versus something that fucking millions of people celebrate.

Why would you have people go out and plant trees on Arbor Day?

Arbor Day, you're telling me, is meaningless?

You don't care about the Earth.

Relative to Cinco de Mayo?

Hold on.

Absolutely.

I love that Walt is now in a position that he has to fucking transfer on Arbor Day, like the most important thing ever.

He doesn't give a fuck about Arvorn Day, but he found himself in this position.

I said September.

It's not like he corrected me, and he's like, hey, fucko, it's spring.

He's waiting until I read all the facts.

But I love how you piled on me, though, because I didn't know what Cinco de Mayo meant.

Yeah.

You pile drive me because I didn't know.

And now you're, now you're, now

that the tables have turned a little bit, you're like, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Is that what I was doing?

Your eyes are darting back and forth, looking for Q for backup.

You're like, Q, what do I do here?

I feel like I'm about to be molested.

But yet you're saying that Arbor Day is meaningless.

But why is Cinco Di Mayo more

important than Arbor Day?

Well, the point is, no,

it's a drinking holiday.

You're changing it.

It's not that it's more important.

It's that the name of the fucking holiday is Cinco de Mayo, 5th of May.

I'm not changing it.

I'm not saying that it's going to be the change.

But you're saying one's more important than the other one.

Nobody's saying one.

Importance has nothing to do with either.

I see.

Brian, you can go listen to the tape.

Brian said, I don't have to say that.

I'll say it again.

It's unimportant.

But are both.

And you would agree both are?

No, I would not agree.

Cinco de Mayo is unimportant.

It's a drinking holiday.

It's the Mexican fucking Revolution Day.

They fought the French and they weren't expected to win, and then they won, so it's like a whole big thing, and that's why they're happy.

They fended off French forces that were trying to.

Yeah, France.

So what?

They're pussies.

Whatever.

Come on, they'd be France.

The United States wouldn't exist if it wasn't for France.

Come on, man.

Little thing called the Treaty of Versailles.

The date has become associated with the celebration of Mexican-American culture.

The commemoration of the battle continues to be mostly ceremonial through like military parades.

But you're right.

It's an excuse to party.

There's no doubt about it.

I'm saying they've done a piss-poor job of promoting that holiday because all I know is get a corona or something.

That's all I can equate to

Cinco de Mayo.

But I think in Mexico it's different.

Okay.

It's different, but to not be aware of Cinco de Mayo in America, like I'm not even kidding.

I'm surprised.

I know.

I heard of it.

I'm not saying I'm not aware of it.

I remember once we're like, I wonder what that means, Cinco de Mayo.

I equated it if I had to do a drinking.

If I had to do a drinking, it meant nothing to me.

I would not, I would not even,

I wouldn't even want anybody.

Like, if someone started to tell me what it was, I'd be like, just shut up.

I don't care.

Yeah, it's a bunch of drunk Mexicans fucking patting each other on the back for beating a bunch of French pussies.

Well, TSD.

Wait, so it's chicken.

Cinco TSD

in June.

So you're going to appropriate the name while shitting all over the holiday.

I just love how.

That's less important than Arbor Day.

I am online right this second making a t-shirt.

It's a Cinco TSD Mayo, and that's going to be worn on fucking Delhi's

practical jokers immediately.

And it's you standing next to a tree.

I don't mean it to, and I don't mean it to be belittle or to disparage.

It is.

Nothing hurtful in that.

I didn't mean to list, some would say.

I just thought it was clever.

Cinco TSD Mayo.

It is clever.

That's all.

It's way more clever than you ever dreamed, actually.

You hit a home run.

You were looking for a single.

You hit a home run.

Well, how can Black and Ants get you?

You tried to bunty.

You hit a home run the fucking first time it's ever happened.

He's looking around.

He's like,

I got everybody on their feet.

I'll just keep running, I guess.

Nobody's stopping me.

The third base coach is waving me home.

The whole blank guy's holding your garage.

I'm an unlikely hero.

I don't know.

I don't think it's, I don't know.

I think you can go on the street right now, and I bet you we could ask,

I bet you I could find more than one person that's like, what does it mean?

And they wouldn't know what it meant.

We're in Redbank, but there's a lot of Mexican people in this town.

I'll bet you if we ask five people, five out of five, we'll be like, duh.

And what's it mean again?

What's exact mean?

Fifth of May.

Fifth of May.

Fifth of May.

Yeah.

Cinco di Mayo.

But

Mayo is back, but Mayo's last, so it should be.

Fifth of May.

Okay, all right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's

arguing.

He's trying anything.

You ever see a rat in?

You ever see a rat in a planet?

I'm looking around.

I'm like,

pretty soon I'm just going to jump on your neck.

We're celebrating you.

I don't like it.

I know somehow, some way you guys are making me look stupid right now.

We are not.

No.

You're going to use this to your advantage, aren't you?

Oh, forgive me.

I don't speak English.

You're not shit.

The indignation that you're this.

Totally.

I'm not bilingual.

I apologize that I'm an American who speaks English.

I speak American.

Well, anyway.

Can't wait to make this shirt.

Well, anyway, we got a four-colored demon rollout.

We got the

Tell him Steve Dave live at the Grammar C with the episode 300 footage all on June 13th, Monday.

This is how you kick off.

TSD Cinco de Mayo.

Wait a minute.

Did I say that right?

No.

Cinco TSD Mayo.

This is how you kick it off.

This is how you celebrate.

Go get yourself blottoed and watch the movie.

Right.

I am going to take those stickers, and

I'm going to Paris in a couple of weeks.

Okay.

I'm going to put one on the, like, as well as the Eiffel Tower.

If I can get it on the Eiffel Tower, I will, but I'm not going to be able to.

But I'm going to put it somewhere in Paris with the Eiffel Tower in the background.

I'll take that picture and that we'll do.

We'll put stickers in places.

People take pictures of it and send it in.

That's what you can do.

And finally, we can get that gallery up I wanted to on the website so you can put your merchandise or your shirt or whatever, take your picture in exotic locales, send it in.

We'll put it all up in the gallery.

What is how does Paris, what do they do on Cinco de Mayo?

They're like, fucking, that's so.

I'm not concerned with losers.

They hang their heads in shame, like with everything else.

So anyway,

Q, you're not hiring, are you?

For what?

I don't know.

I need a job.

But

you wouldn't hire me directly.

Yeah, this is a zip recruiter.

If you were hiring,

you want to be my assistant?

Yeah.

You just got to order toilet paper for me when it runs out.

That's all I got to do.

You pay someone to do that?

Do you use a lot?

You don't remember this?

You already fucking ripped on me.

That was a callback.

No.

Yeah.

That's the job of your assistant?

One of them,

like my house.

My house takes care of my house.

Houseboy.

My houseboy.

And one of them is like, there's just always always toilet paper there.

I never worry about it.

Okay, but that's more.

There's more responsibilities than just that.

Yes, many more.

That's one of them.

Blow jobs.

Fucking get boy.

Well, a zip recruiter doesn't do shit like that.

But if you have a business and you want to find,

you want to find people, you want them to come to you.

That's not what these guys do.

You post your job.

I tell you right now, Jay and Salambaz may be utilizing this fucking

thing.

Jay's been fucking up Riley, huh?

I mean, it's.

Or is it Mike?

Are you letting Mike go?

Skid him, man.

He better watch out, or some, or I'm going to be zip recruiting his ass out of here.

You didn't zip recruit him in the first place, right?

You found him, and he was just a lowly stable boy.

I can't stand guys that need to be told every fucking second of the day, do this, do that, do this, or else he's immediately fucking looking on Reddit.

Or doing so, or like or checking his Pokemon Go fucking apps or

I just don't understand at this stage of the game why you need to be told like I have to like be up behind you up your ass at all times be like do this okay what about the posters go stock the posters what about this go do this I don't understand why he just can't just do it maybe make a list of shit for him and just be like these are your duties You must check this list every day.

So a list.

A list.

I hate to say that maybe you're enabling the boy, but when I came in, in all fairness, you guys are arguing over whether Columbo was autistic or not.

Columbo, if you're not familiar, is a detective for a while.

And he was losing.

Let's point that out.

You failed to say that he was losing.

I may have lost a Cinco de Mayo battle, but I'm not losing this one.

Right.

No, you won this one.

He was roundly thrashed in this argument.

What do you think, Hugh?

You ever watched Columbo if you were a book?

I think it's possible

he was on the spectrum, yeah.

I maintain that he, like, there's no man could solve as many crimes as he did, especially

how involved these crimes are without being a little autistic.

Yeah, it's a beautiful mind type situation where he's seeing connections that the average person doesn't see.

Gidden maintained he didn't think there was any possibility that Columbo was autistic.

If I got a call in Detroit, a text in Detroit, because I figured he'd be the no to be worth all endol.

He hasn't weighed in yet, though.

That's funny.

It came down to the very specific argument of would he interrogate this clerk as thoroughly as he did if

he was digging

information and it was just

a sound argument is that he

that Columbo will put on this act as to have the suspects think of him as a bumbling idiot and like this guy's just a tool and they let their guards down because of

his

the way he behaves

okay Brian made a good point though like the like

the other cops are never like, well,

Columbo.

Right.

Put the chill out.

Well, you can't argue her results is why.

Jealousy.

He just opened two eyes at once.

Columbo.

Was he the one with the lollipop?

That Kojak.

That was Kojak.

Kojak, yeah.

Kojak was definitely.

He had the strain.

What was it?

It was something.

He had something.

Who?

Columbo?

No.

Columbo would only eat one thing, too.

Chili.

Really?

Yeah, and that's also a sign that you're.

Yeah, you're all fucked up.

No, no, no.

Oh, no.

scrapile

scrap pile of humanity

i believe that that like that that

i believe there's a lot of heroic and noble characters that like roles throughout television history that probably were autistic though columbo being one of them right yeah i agree you know i believe all the three stooges were too oh is that why you guys were asking me if curly or shump was better yeah

oh boy so anyway zip recruiter wait one thing i wanted to say about Genem.

I do want to give him because I was ready to pounce on him.

Really?

Because there was someone here asking about the Hellblazers, right?

The new volume, The Rebirth, which one he should read.

And Gedim was like, I don't know, right?

And I was ready to fucking store that in the bank.

But then he did some real honest-to-goodness customer service.

He goes, Well, why don't we take a look?

And he opened the bags and he held them open for the guy and he let the guy peruse and then he put him back in the bag afterwards.

And I was like, you know what?

I was like, I was ready to fucking get on him for like writing it off, but he really did put the extra mile in on

helping that customer out.

Did the guy buy anything?

Yeah, he did.

Yeah, he did.

So, yeah, all right.

So, you know what?

And that's what I've been told by other people I have to do.

I have to acknowledge when he does good,

just not admonish him.

Did I say that right?

Well, don't stop admonishing him, please.

That's too good for me.

When he does bad.

Yeah, he did good.

I was a good guy.

He sends me texts that are just so infuriating.

I just want to fucking just throttle him.

From like across the store.

No, he says he attacks the middle of the night.

Can I ask you to please not close the windows on the computer?

I store all my addresses in there.

And I'm like, are you so fucking busy that you can't go look up an address on eBay that you have to leave fucking thousand windows open that are dragging down the music?

So I can't listen to anything without stuttering.

You're not so busy.

You're looking at Pokemon.

Go, shut the fuck up.

I wrote that.

I believe it.

And then he goes, and then he starts, I can see he's typing a a response.

Then the typing stops.

And then he won't answer me for the rest of the night.

And I go, why wasn't this done?

And why wasn't this done?

Are you going to fucking blame Son of the Jeff?

And he had no answer.

And he didn't answer me for two days.

He's at home.

Alone.

ZipRecruiter.

Let me reach out and make a simple request.

Look who's calling the kettle black.

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Qualified is underlined.

Maybe I should, maybe I should have hit that hard.

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Try Zip Recruiter for free.

That's right, free.

Just go to ziprecruiter.com slash TESD.

That's ziprecruiter.com slash T-E-S D.

One more time.

Try it for free.

Tell them, Steve.

Oh, no, wait.

Fuck it.

Fucked it up.

Oh, well.

ZipRecruiter.com slash TESD.

Nice.

I wanted to ask you guys, too, about

you two woke motherfuckers about Bill Maher.

What's our feeling on this guy?

Using the N-I-G-G-E.

I'm not going to even spell the rest word.

Big mistake.

It's not a joke you make, right?

I mean, he's a liberal guy.

He's known as a liberal guy, but it's a weird thing to say.

Well, again, my personal belief is.

Why the fuck would you say that?

I just don't understand why he would say it.

Like, first of all, it's like.

Why would you say it?

Like, what is to be gained of it?

I think he thinks he's so liberal.

Oh, that he's not.

Like, he gets a, he's going to get a pass because he's so liberal.

But there are,

there are some things you can't get a pass on.

Well, you can if it's given to you.

I got, I want to find a black person to give me the pass.

I don't think, I don't think there's one person that

just use it around them, though.

I could be, they could be like, hey, man, you're my end.

And I would be like, yeah, you're my end, too.

Because

we're money.

You can find that pass.

Oh, I bet you I can.

How much you want to bet?

I don't think a pass that would matter.

It's going to come.

No, I would never say it in public.

I would just say it when I was hanging around.

Oh, well, yeah, but I mean, I don't even know why you would.

It's like

they clearly looked at the words.

Black people clearly don't want to be aware of that.

He's like a child.

He's like a child.

That's like, I want to say it.

I just want to say it.

I want to say it and get away with it.

That's like this.

What does Uno mean?

Yeah, you're right.

I mean, he's right, though.

Yeah, just because somebody says you can't do it, I'm like, well, I want to do it then.

Yeah.

Outside of the Wu Tang, out of the sing-along to Wu-Tang, I wouldn't say it.

Yeah, you can say it.

And even that, I wouldn't sing it in front of fucking black people.

Right.

So you got your windows down in your IROC.

You're in Staten Island.

You're fucking.

All D-tops are off.

Do you feel uncomfortable when you're driving around and a song that comes on that you're listening to that may have that word predominantly used over and over?

Do you get a little like?

No, that I don't because it's clearly a song, but I don't know if I'd be singing along to it.

Would you stop bopping?

I don't really bop as it is, but if I was a bopper, I don't think I'd stop along.

So you're bopping along.

It's a two-lane street.

You're on Richmond, however, whatever.

And

another white person pulls up, you don't stop singing.

But if a black guy,

that's racist, right?

Isn't that racist?

No, I think it's sensitivity.

Yeah,

I think it's the opposite of racism.

Right.

They're like, I don't want you to,

but you're assuming this guy doesn't want you to sing this song, even though those are the lyrics.

Well, look, here's the thing.

I think that the black community has made it very clear in the last decade or so that they do not

want to hear the word.

They don't appreciate it.

So to me, it's like, does the word matter to me?

No.

So it doesn't matter to me.

Why are you fighting for it?

I'm not fighting for it.

I'm just like, all right, I get it.

Fine.

I just don't say it.

Practical Joker, back Sandowski.

And also do you.

I'll never stop fighting

until I can sing this song in my IRA without getting sideways glances from blacks.

Yeah, it's just like, it's one of those things I think that comes with maturity where you're like,

why am I fighting?

There's no fight because there's no point.

Do the rap groups that you listen to, are they, do they drop that word a lot?

I don't listen.

Who is he listening to?

Boys to to Men, of course.

I don't know.

Every third word.

Yeah, new rap.

I listen to like old school.

Who's your go-to?

Well, Wu-Tang.

Wu-Tang.

I've never heard of it.

Every song, every fucking thing.

Is that a word that is used a lot?

I mean, it's the most words.

And

you don't get a little uncomfortable?

No.

I mean, listen, when he's listening to it by himself, I would be.

That makes me uncomfortable.

That would

definitely make me uncomfortable.

Like, I don't know if I should be listening to this.

I don't know if I have a right to listen to this.

Well,

that's a bit much.

Well, I grew up in Stanton Island.

I've never been enough.

I won't listen to the blues.

I won't listen to rap.

Growing up in Staten Island in the 80s and 90s, the N-word was accepted.

It was currency,

if you will.

I'm only good enough to listen to Kip Winger.

Okay.

Somebody's scooping.

His country years?

Well, any years.

He's so white and like, you know, I don't have to worry about it.

Right.

But

I'm not kidding around.

I definitely would feel

not comfortable because I'm like, it's just too, it's not, you know, it's.

Like, what if one of your girls got into NWA and they're playing it in the car?

Like, hey, turn this on, dude.

Fuck the police.

Crank that shit, old man.

Well, I mean, I know it's a cultural movement, so I mean, I would have to be like,

I would probably applaud their

feelings on, you know, oppression.

But your daughters are being oppressed?

No, no, their feelings of like, you know, how they sympathize with the people who are being oppressed.

Oh, okay.

And

they choose to listen to music that

sings about stopping it.

Right.

Is that what Wu-Tang does?

No.

No.

What do they sing about?

I mean, look, they're singing about dealing with drugs, about dealing with cops, about all that shit, dude.

It's real

shit.

Same with NWA.

Although, like, their members have gone on to

Ice Cubis and Johnson Family Vacation, all kinds of, like, super mainstream shit.

Because eventually they were like, well, fuck it.

You know how much money I can make doing this shit?

Oh, yeah, of course.

You know, that's the thing.

Dre.

They're just producing people, making so much money.

You fucking get in the entertainment business.

This is the secret.

I'm about to let everybody behind the curtain.

The second you take a job in the entertainment business as an entertainer, not crew, you've sold out.

Starting.

Really?

You've sold out the second your first album comes out, you've sold out the first scene you shoot in the TV.

Final Cast 1, we sold out.

Sold out.

Well, maybe not us, but that's independent.

That's different.

I'm talking about

Indie Beach.

baby.

Final Cast 2?

No.

Were they walking a line?

No.

No, okay.

That was vicious.

Still independent.

Yeah, that was vicious, as I recall.

You just are.

Like the Gravediggers, right?

Their first album is fucking awesome.

It's rap, hardcore rap.

Actually, if you're going to like any rap, this is it because it's all horror-themed.

It's all about the death and death coming for you.

And like Gravediggers, like literally, they were like killing, they were like, their songs were out death and murder and stuff like that.

I've never heard of them, but did they hit big?

Their first album was pretty fucking big, yeah.

Uh, but they were never mainstream because their shit's too out there.

But their album in the States was called Six Feet Deep, everywhere else in the world.

It's the best name ever.

It was called

Sans Matthew,

it's like the fucking best name, it's the best name ever.

And they, they, they, you know, the second they don't call it that in the States because that's what I'm saying.

What year was it released?

9

late 90s.

It was, I I want to say, 97, 98.

Great album.

But they made the choice not to call it that in the United States.

Because it would hurt the brand.

No, that is the brand.

Well, it hurts sales?

I don't know why.

No way to carry it.

But whatever, the second that they fucking made that kind of consideration is when people say you sell out.

You can't do it.

Oh, it's such a great album.

94Q.

94.

All right.

Never heard of it.

Yeah.

Do they still perform?

No, one of the members died, and they put out three albums, and the second one was actually really good.

And then

by the third album, the group was all broken up, and one member died.

Now, is this Rizza the same as

Wu-Tan, right?

Yeah, Rizza produced it.

I think Prince Paul isn't?

He was in it.

And they were like,

In the States, we're going to call it six feet deep because people will get too worked up about it.

In the 90s, in the early 90s.

In the 90s, yeah,

they were just trying to avoid it.

The group's name means Digging Graves of the Mentally Dead, and it stood for Resurrecting the Mentally Dead from Their State of Unawareness and Ignorance.

I mean, one song is the whole song is about different ways to commit suicide.

It's fucking, dude, it's the album's awesome.

I'll make a copy.

Okay.

He'll never listen.

Is there a lot of that they throw that word around a lot, though?

There's a lot of that in there.

You know what?

I'll just bring you that one song.

Can you do some light editing and

beep out the words?

Yeah.

Yeah.

If you got the time.

But now, but why?

Now you're taking away, because they're all black.

So you are going to remove their ability to say it.

I can't censor them from saying it.

That's not my place.

Maybe you and your girls can listen to it in Blackface to try to get as close to the experience as you can.

Oh, you want my girls to listen to this?

Yeah, of course.

Why not?

What about suicide and stuff?

And with all the words that they're throwing around?

Oh, come on.

She's 18.

Not the younger one.

Not at least.

She's a little too young for that stuff.

A song called Banga Hat.

Really?

I think she'd be like, what the fuck is this?

I think she would be very, very like, she would have thought I'd lost her girl.

I was like, that's some new music.

You ever hear of Grey's Diggas?

You want to know what their album was called in other countries?

Yeah, isn't that a great title, though?

It's great.

It's so good, man.

Yeah.

But I know it's the Grim Reaper.

He's the guy who died.

He's a young guy.

Yeah, he died.

He had cancer.

Fucking cancer, man.

Get you.

Get you.

Yeah, so Bill Maher, I guess he has to apologize.

Everybody apologizes, right?

I mean, like I said, I had to do it.

Q's had to do it.

You're the only one that

has a has a,

which some call it a spine.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm no fucking invertebrate like you two.

Do you remember?

Because Brian, we stayed over my house Friday night.

We watched the Puppet Master movies the first three.

Full moon.

Yeah.

Well, it must have been a it must have been rough to get into when you're on.

Once you're into part two, about 20 minutes in, you're like, oh boy.

I don't know, man.

We got fascinated by the amount of it's so rooted in Nazi.

Like, the whole fucking mythology is rooted.

So much so that I'm like, have I seen this before?

Because it's like, it's nothing but Nazi shit.

It's crazy.

And then, and then, as the series progresses, they double and triple down on Nazi imagery.

You're like, what the fuck am I looking at?

Dude, every shot of the second one, they have like, if it's just like a warehouse, there'll be just a random picture of Hitler hanging on the floor.

That was the third one.

That was the third.

That's not the third one.

That was a third copy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you know who fucking adored that series?

Sunday Jeff?

Sunday Jeff bought any piece

of fucking puppet master shit that came down the pike.

And it is shit.

I mean, he was buying like the, like, like, let's say Blade.

is issued in an action figure and he's got like a red button instead of a black button.

Yeah.

He'd be be like,

I got to get that red button one.

I'm like, wow, you got the other four variants.

Why do you need the red one too?

Got to have the red one.

To slash you in the face.

And then they're they, oh my god, he adored that series.

I don't know what to say about that.

It is weird because it sucks.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you guys didn't like it?

No, we loved it.

For all the wrong reasons, though?

I can't tell what they were going for.

The whole time, you're just like, I don't know what's going on.

Like, I have a

first movie, like, the pumps don't show up until, like,

one of the, like, I mean, spoil, I learned for a movie from 1989, but, like, the movie opens with these Nazi guys trying to get into this puppet maker's house.

And when they finally get in, he fucking literally blows his head off on screen.

Like, he blows his brains out.

It's a hotel, the bodega hotel.

Let me see if I could get it.

If I could rattle off the puppets in the puppet master universe, a murder was Leech Woman.

Leech Woman.

Who had a black who we learned was the soul of his wife.

She had a black.

Well, that's the other thing that we found out.

Every single puppet

in the series is

someone who's a Jewish person that was killed by the Nazis.

Like, it is fucking deep, dude.

Yeah.

It's crazy.

But yeah, God, Leechwoman.

A leech woman had a black,

phallic thing sticking out of her mouth.

Leeches came out of her mouth.

Oh, leeches.

Yeah, she would spit them on people.

We also noticed that, like, no, like, everyone loses the use of their arms.

They're lying on the ground.

They're like, ah, it's like 100% of the time.

Someone would trip and they'd be like, ah, and they'd be able to get out of the mouth.

And then they got five leeches.

Do you think if in a world where,

let's say, Puppet Master was real and puppets attacked you, do you think there's any chance a puppet could take you down?

No.

I don't think so either.

Well, they universally stab somebody in the leg every time.

They cut your Achilles.

I wish they did.

Not even.

I wish.

They just jab your thigh like a pencil or something.

Oh, fuck.

Pinhead?

Yes.

He's probably...

Well, not the most famous one.

No, Blade is the one who's

the famous one, yeah.

Six shooter?

Yeah, who for some reason

he would just laugh all the time he always does this thing he's like

every single time he's on screen

torch yes who's the most nazi of all because the way that he would and then that he wasn't even in the most nazi of the and then then the fucking flames would come out of his upraised arm um

am i missing any

am i missing

those are the ones that i remember you got the jester with the oh yeah the jester.

He was always with a fucking sour puss on his face.

Yeah, he was a bit of a puss hole.

Jester, Pinhead.

There was a Chinese one that only appeared in the first scene of the first movie, and then you never saw him again.

Yeah, but there's like 10 of them.

That's the other thing we didn't know.

We were like, holy shit.

Well, they kept making them.

Oh, 10.

Oh, you mean 10 movies?

Oh, they meant 10 movies.

Oh, 10 movies.

10 movies.

And the guy, like, the drug.

They're making one now.

He's crazy.

Full moon's still around?

Yeah.

Honestly, it looks just as crappy as the first one.

Never did they, did any of them ever play theatrically?

He said the first one did a limited release and the rest were direct to video.

So you can look forward to, well, in

2017,

Puppet Master Axis Termination, and then in 2018, Puppet Master, the Littlest Reich.

They are not the Puppets.

They're not giving up the Nazi theme, though.

And they're bad guys in the

first movie and a half.

They're bad guys.

And then they become good guys for no fucking reason.

The puppets are the?

The puppets.

Well, I would assume that they were going to be used to kill all their Nazi tormentors.

No, because they wake up.

The first movie is Modern Times, 1980s.

And they're just going berserk, killing everybody.

You don't really know why?

And then the old man that shoots himself is the guy who made them back in, even though he has to be 100 years old.

He was old in the fucking World War II.

But then they turn on him twice.

Yeah.

He's set up as the hero, but then later movies, it's so fucking confusing.

Yeah, there's a lot of shit where you're like, I don't know what's going on here.

I don't know if they shot him in America or.

Oh, it's nuts.

No, Bodega Bay is from the Birds.

That's where...

They went in the Hitchcock's The Birds.

That was the place where they were.

Bodega Bay.

And I guess they made this painting or this 3D, like painted glass.

Something that, dude, they use at every opportunity to be like, hey, we're in Bodega Bay.

Like, they show this castle.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

I remember Full Moon was a staple at Video Stores.

Castle Freak.

Dolls, I think.

Dolls.

Doll mains.

Demonic toys.

Demonic toys.

That's right.

Burial of Rats.

They had all these shitty, shitty horror movies.

Yeah.

Something

like

that you'd rent on a Friday night, right?

Yeah, that's what we did.

We rented on a Friday night.

Oh, you want a little throwback 80s Friday?

Yeah, they were on Blu-ray, though, not like clamshells like they used to be.

That was the thing.

When you go to a video store, a big old clamshell, and bring it up to the counter, you got this.

Well, we like doing that.

I mean, remember the last series we did with all the American Pie directed to video movies?

Oh, that was horrible.

Yeah, the Puppet Master was better than that.

Yeah, American Pie was comedy, right?

Yeah, but they did direct video sequels.

Really?

That were fucking unwatchable.

Like, we're like, and you see something like Naked Mile, you're like, all right, there's something to it.

And then, like, nobody's naked.

You're like, what the fuck is that?

It's so bad.

Yeah, we do a lot of little stupid shit.

Film festivals.

Why do they start telling that story?

The Puppet Master shit?

Yeah, something about us on Friday night.

I can't fucking remember.

Oh, how obsessed you got with

Chris Pratt giving an apology to deaf people.

He was like, he would have stopped talking about it.

He was going on and on about it.

Why, Chris Pratt is it made a boo-boo?

He, right?

I mean, according to Proto-I just set him off.

So he was settling everybody.

According to, I guess, people who were like, not deaf people, but people that were like, hey, man, that's fucking insensitive.

So he made a video, I guess, for what the fuck is this?

Stupid.

So he made a video, right?

This is Star-Lord, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And he has 11 million plus followers on Instagram.

And he took to Instagram to extend, this is a while back.

This is like a month ago.

To extend a long-winded, I'm sorry, to his 11 million plus followers.

He urged, I guess he made this video for Guardians of the Galaxy 2, and he urged his viewers to turn up the volume and not just read the subtitles, which many in the hearing impaired community saw as dismissive, given that they don't have that option.

So in his apology post, Chris Pratt explained that this is like hot Friday night.

He freezed a number sitting around eating Indian food.

I'm complaining about Chris Pratt apologizing.

So this is what he says.

He said that he'd only phrased the request in that way so people wouldn't scroll past the video on mute, thus watching and digesting the information in the video.

So he explains why he said it, which has nothing to fucking do with deaf people or hearing impaired or whatever the fuck.

However,

however, I realize now doing so is incredibly insensitive to the many folks out there who depend on subtitles.

More than 38 million Americans live with some sort of hearing disability, so I want to apologize.

As always, I control my social media, nobody else, and I'm doing this only because I'm actually really sorry.

Apologies are powerful, and I don't dole them out willy-nilly.

This is one of those moments where I screwed up, and here's me begging your pardon.

So that's how fucking

upset he was.

I I think Q's right, though.

I think Q's right.

I mean, he's got so much on the line.

He's like, I am not going to lose what I have worked my whole life for because of something stupid like that.

I like Chris Pratt.

And I liked him before he was popular.

Well, I think the point here is that part of the job, his job, is to see

as palatable and as broad as possible.

That's his job description.

That's why I'm not Chris Pratt.

He got to apologize to the deaf people.

But do you think deaf people were offended?

I don't know, but

if one was,

even one, Star Lord best gets to apologize.

Then that's what I'm talking about.

Like when I talk, even one ant

is turned off by

Chelsea Clinton rants or whatever.

That's like you got to do a Chris Pratt.

You got to just suck a little ant dick just once in a while.

You got flags to move.

Never.

I know Q wants flags, but there's only one flag.

I don't know.

This is going to be a true litmus test of flags.

The love of flags are fucking awesome.

They look great.

The flags are awesome.

But I'm just like, I'm a little worried that people are going to be like...

They look so badass.

Who's going to be able to wave it outside?

It's on the wall.

Oh, you don't put it outside?

Well, I don't have a flagpole, but I don't know.

If I had a flagpole, run it up the flagpole, huh?

Maybe I should.

I'm definitely going to hang it in my house somewhere.

All right.

Yeah, I I just think they looked so badass that they could be mistaken for real

motorcycle gang stuff.

That's how badass they look.

So you think Q might get knocked the hell off his bike.

He's like riding around with his flag, and they're like, look at this fucking fairy.

And then they run you off the road.

Bring it.

You're like, wait, guys, just go to merch table.

You can be like me.

No, I don't.

I think.

Chris Pratt's got to do what he's got to do, man.

He can't lose that Star-Lord gig or that Jurassic Park gig or whatever other gigs.

You know, all the other gigs that are coming down the pipeline.

I bet you he's also like, I don't want to remove the enjoyment of Star-Lord from people.

I bet you

it's not just motivated by money.

He's also like, I've created something that people love, and I want everybody to love it.

And

I think that, even though it's on a much more gigantic scale, Guardians of the Galaxy,

the TSD is like, you know, I mean, you've got people going like, well, it's hurting my enjoyment of it.

We start polarizing one side over the other.

And then there are people who are like,

you know, Chelsea Cliff shit.

And I got those emails, too.

I can't.

So it's hard.

So it's hard to figure out what to do because you got some people who are like,

there was one asshole who's like,

you are fucking soft and you're a piece of shit.

Let Brian do what he wants to do.

And I noticed on the bottom of his fucking thing that he was like the executive.

He's not Brian Johnson.

He was an executive of some big fucking company.

Good for him.

So I wrote back and I was just like, so as an executive, would you go out and like,

how would your shareholders or the board feel if you were tweeting stuff that was causing people to maybe not be like, well, you know what?

Oh, they take a certain political stance, I'm not going to go with this company.

He wrote back, you're right.

I wouldn't do it.

He goes, What he should have written back was like, if one of my board of directors didn't know what Cinco DeMayo meant, I wouldn't give a fuck.

I know you want me to say, tell him, Steve Dave.

But I want to say, Troy, just wait in about Colombo.

Oh, what is that?

You want to just wait?

You want to just hold it to next week?

Keep it away in suspense.

First, we're in suspense as to who Columbo is.

Come on, man.

He's got to be one of the most famous of TV detectives of all time.

Definitely.

I mean, Columbo was a fucking staple.

Icon?

Oh, absolutely.

Columbo.

Seems I'm wrong.

I thought he goes, Troy, think.

Troy's like, I do it all the time at work.

He's got his fucking detective coat on, one eye closed.

He goes, I don't know that I'd call him autistic, autistic, just very quirky.

That's what I said, maybe eccentric, bordering autistic.

I think I owe get him an apology.

Well, you better get to it.

Like Chris Pratt, you fucking pussy.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

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