#336: Mushken

Start shitting your pants.

Well, fuck you, but at least you're in India.

Yeah, I know, right?

If you're gonna do it anywhere.

I would like a boy, please.

Tell them Steve Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em Steve Dave.

Investigative journalist friends, yeah.

I need you guys to turn your blazers in.

You're given an opportunity for an exclusive interview with

Adolph Aloysius

Ismeralda Hitler Jr.

I mean, do you have him on the hook, or are you just coming up with ideas?

Just an idea.

If you want,

all right, keep going.

So there's this guy in New Jersey.

This can be a Hitler thing.

Walt, you're aware of this guy.

He wanted to change his name to Hitler, and I guess he was met with some.

Let's see, let me Google this guy.

I mean, as you would expect, he was probably met with a little resistance.

From who?

The state?

Just humanity.

Yeah, I think people in general were like, eh, I don't know.

Hitler.

But I mean, is it still, you can, it's a free country if you want, even if you want to do that, shouldn't you be allowed to?

It is the freest of countries because it's now officially.

He's Nazi dad.

Do you think he was bucking for a lawsuit and he was like, oh, fuck, now I got to go through it?

Now I'm Hitler?

Oh, my God.

No, I think he really wanted to be Hitler.

And

a lawsuit would have been a little gravy.

Yeah.

But ultimately, he just wanted.

He was born Isidore Heath Campbell.

So did that name make him pissed?

Isidore?

That sounds like a girl.

That sounds like a little nice name.

That's kind of a

cool name.

What's up, busy?

Sounds like a rocker.

He does, but he doesn't look like a rocker.

I thought he had a mullet.

No, he has kind of like...

I mean, in this picture anyway, he's long hair.

So this is the guy who, at one time, I'm sure we talked about him, he lost his parental rights

for naming his kids.

Oh, that's right.

Like Mengele and shit.

Yeah.

One was Hermann Goering.

He once tried to have a supermarket inscribe happy birthday, Adolf Hitler, on a birthday cake for his son, and he later lost parental rights to his nine children.

Nine kids?

Nine kids.

Fuck.

It's a lot.

Which means he.

How is he supporting nine kids?

I mean, he's with one lady in this picture.

There are several pictures.

What does she look like?

She's not as hot as Eva Braun, I'll say that much.

But how do you support nine kids with that kind of outlook?

Because you're not going to easily.

I'm employing you.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

What employer

wants the baggage that that comes with by hiring Adolf Hitler?

Oh, he also has a tattoo that reads, I hate Defus.

Now, New Jersey Defus' Division of Youth and Family Services.

So

he just...

What happened, man?

What happened to this guy?

Not enough attention, man.

Not enough attention as a kid.

Not enough attention.

I think it's past anger, just into straight-up mental illness.

It's got to be something, right?

But then it almost seems to excuse it away if you say he's mentally ill because he seems fully capable.

Like, the guy went to, the guy fought to get the name Hitler.

So, how ill can you be if he's going through?

He's pretty mentally ill.

I mean, he is.

I mean,

are you saying he's not mentally ill?

He clearly is.

I mean,

I don't even know how to address this.

Yeah, I mean,

but what's his diagnosis?

In the eyes of the law, he wouldn't be considered medical.

He's not legally insane.

No, no way.

There are people that like eat other people, and they're still not considered legally insane.

Yeah, I mean, I understand that, but I mean, just fucking common law folk down here talking about it.

The guy's nuts.

It's pretty nuts, right?

How could you look at anything Hitler did and be like,

yeah, that's cool?

He was a good orator.

Don't take that away.

Yeah.

He could take away everything.

He knew how to whip a crowd into a frenzy.

Sure.

Like, had he not been Hitler, maybe he could have been like a rock star who could get this side of the crowd gone.

That side of the crowd going.

What musical talents do you think he had, though, that he could be a rock star?

No, I mean, I'm saying that, like, with that, that sort of charisma and that personality.

You need some musical talent, though.

Even if you've got charisma, you can always have a lot of money.

There's plenty of bands out there that suck and still are able to.

I mean, he's even killed

fashion, though.

You can't even have that stash anymore now, right?

You can't wear that stash, your stash like Hitler, without everybody going, like, what's with the Hitler stash?

People don't call that stitch.

Are you Hitler guy?

Are you Hitler guy?

He marched in 2013, he marched into the county courthouse dressed in a Nazi uniform to petition a family court judge to allow him to see his youngest son, Heinrich Hans Kampel, who had been removed.

Hmm.

But you know what?

Thinking about the Hitler stash, though,

when you see Jay Jonah Jameson, you never think Hitler stash, do you?

Do not think Hitler stash.

It's a little wider, isn't it?

Or is it.

It's a flat-out Hitler stash.

Get around it.

I mean, and I don't know how he's escaped criticism all these years,

unless it was subconsciously, they were like.

Because

he's such an asshole.

Right.

Yeah, that's it.

Well, in the movies,

they didn't give him a Hitler stash.

Yes, they did.

No, they didn't.

I'm looking at it.

They gave him like a Clark Gable-esque type of.

Yeah, they fucked him out.

I mean, they couldn't do it.

They copped out.

They pussied out.

Sure, that's one way to look at it.

That was Nazi Daddy's review of the movie Pussied Out.

But it looks like in the old cartoon, yeah, definitely.

He's flat out rocking.

I mean, he is.

In the 70s cartoon, I mean, that's just a Hitler stash.

Now, well, when Alicia was born, was it wasn't it wasn't her name supposed to be Alicia Aryan Nation Flanagan?

Joyce Joyce Lynn Aryan Nation Campbell

and Hoslin Jeannie Campbell, Adolf Hitler Campbell.

That's a tough.

He was seeking counsel.

Oh, he wouldn't he wouldn't recomply with an order to seek counseling because the psychologist was Jewish.

Oh, boy.

What did a you think a Jewish guy did anything to him him or a Jewish?

No.

They didn't, right?

Like something happened.

Don't you want to talk to his parents, maybe?

Be like, hey, what's up?

So

you were like, maybe I'm changing.

You know why we can't have him on to talk to him?

Because the questions we want to ask him, he wouldn't feel compelled to answer, which is what it is.

He would be like Hillary.

He would just talk over.

I was like,

bullshit.

Yeah.

I was asking Walter earlier, do you think he has the backing of any major

white supremacist groups?

Or do they view him as sort of an ass clown?

Probably both.

Like, are they like, hey, man, he has balls, Nazi dad?

Or like, oh, my God, what a douche.

Like, he's making us look bad.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I can't put myself in the mind of.

Because I said yesterday on Twitter, like, the guy and his wife do not look like...

Anything like I imagined Hitler was like, hey, here's what the master race will look like.

Like, it just looks like weak genetics and poor nutrition and shit.

Do you know Norm McDonald's?

He has a new Netflix special.

I saw it really good.

Isn't it great?

But it's called Hitler's Dog.

He's unbelievable, right?

Like, he's just.

He's like next level type shit.

Yeah.

He's

a great man.

His book was amazing.

He's so fucking funny.

One of those guys like I don't ever want to meet.

Right, because you'd be like, if he doesn't like me,

you won't even know if he likes you or not because you'll say something.

I'm like, yeah, yeah.

And then you look like an asshole and everybody's laughing.

You're like, what what are you laughing at?

Yeah.

Let's go to the floor.

He's on the list of people I don't ever want to meet because I'm just afraid.

Oh, you have a list?

I have a little bit of a list.

Jeff Goldblum's on that list.

Really?

I love Jeff Goldblum.

I would hate to be a little bit more.

What's the vehicle that made you fall in love?

The fly over to Jurassic Park.

You know what I'm saying?

Independence Day.

Jurassic Park.

I don't even.

Yeah, but not Independence Day, too.

You like Independence Day?

Oh, sure.

What about the tall guy?

Never saw that?

Was it tall guy?

No.

Yeah.

Yeah, the fly, right?

The fly was the frontal fly, yeah.

That was my introduction to

Jeff Goldblum.

And I just, the guy just makes me happy to watch.

So I don't ever want to meet him.

I don't ever want to meet him.

That's it.

It's a list of two.

No, there are other people in that list, but I don't know if I just list celebrities that I like.

What about Lil Bowow?

This is a cautionary tale, Walt.

I was thinking about you when I saw this.

I know that Cooper has recently started

his Instagram account, and you need to be careful, otherwise they could be doing the hashtag Cooper challenge.

Did you hear about this, Q?

Is this, I heard he said he was on a private plane, but he's not?

Lil Bow Wow, yes, who wants to go first?

He wanted to go by Bow Wow, then he wanted to go by his regular name.

You know who this guy is, right, Walt?

He's a rapper.

I assumed he was a rapper.

Just by the name.

I don't know if he's like a hardcore rapper.

He was like, wasn't he like a Disney rapper at first or something?

I don't know.

I think what's his name discovered?

I'm Snoop Dogg, right?

Oh, maybe.

I don't know.

He might be a hardcore then.

Very rarely do you have like Lil in front of your name unless you're some sort of rapper.

Right.

Like it's never like Lil BQ and then you're like on a practical joker.

Right, right.

Generally, you're a rapper.

But some buddy of mine's work name is Lil Ray.

Lil Ray?

Lil Ray, and he's an actor.

Is there a big Ray?

I don't know about that.

I've only met Lil Ray.

Just Lil Ray, huh?

Yeah.

Well, he posted a photo of his private jet on Instagram

because

rappers do this.

Rappers love to...

They want everyone to think they're really rich.

Sure.

And live in the life.

Right.

And it turns out that somebody, some Twitter user, saw him on a regular plane.

took a picture and then of course the end you know people on the internet are like hold on hold on let me um there he is oh well at least he's in first class.

He's in first class, but he's not on this private jet because what happens is

it was a stock photo from a private jet company that I guess he grabbed and was like, hey, this is how I roll.

It's not the first time he's done it.

No?

During the 2016 NFL season, he tweeted that he blew off his suite at an Atlanta Falcons football game on a week when the Falcons weren't even playing.

Oh!

And his followers caught on.

And now, Walt, there's a little bow wow wow challenge where you photoshop yourself into situations in which later on you find out aren't true.

Like this guy pretended he had teeth.

See, does that really, like, and now, if anything, hasn't Hollywood tried to hammer home that

this is a man that

deserves pity

more than scorn and

all the barbs?

I mean, like,

it's almost sad, isn't it, though?

It's like he's so, like, he, he just wants to be

to get that perception out there that

he'll tell a couple white lies, but not really harming anybody.

They're not harming anyone, but they are.

Well, are they?

Are they not?

Because every kid who's like, I want to be a rapper because then I can live it up like Lil Bow Wow.

Well, is that harming?

Well, is that harm?

I mean, a lot of kids want to be rappers.

Well, every time somebody gets shot, they're an aspiring rapper, if you've noticed.

But, I mean, is it really

something that I mean, maybe he

I kind of think all of entertainment is a lie, right?

It's all lies.

Most of it probably would be.

I mean, so why?

Well, Lil Bow Wow just did it more

publicly.

He got caught lying.

Right.

Now, like, but not lies

that almost are like where you almost feel bad for.

You feel like, you know, it's kind of like, oh, it's like, it would be like, you know,

on a sitcom,

it would be like

you would go out of your way to

help him because he got caught.

Now he probably feels really embarrassed and sad.

He feels like a real turd.

But instead, the world just seizes the opportunity to rub his fucking nose in his shit.

Well, I mean,

open yourself up to him.

He's trying to make himself seem like he's better than everybody else.

Right, you assholes are flying coach.

Right.

Because that's what we expect out of our celebrities.

Out of our rappers, at least.

Right.

You know, and

I don't know.

I just feel like

it's not that, you know, he didn't hurt anybody with these lies, at least.

Would you like to hear a Bow Wow quote?

He's commented on the whole debacle?

No, this is about a legal issue where he was ordered to pay some child support.

Okay.

And he

claimed he was broke and only making $4,000 a month and only $1,500 in his checking account.

However, the next day, he signed on to be one of the four new co-hosts of BET's 106 and PARC.

Later on, he would address this by saying, One thing about me, I'm a smart guy, very smart.

Things that I do are for reasons.

Things that I don't do are for reasons.

So, for myself, I'm comfortable, very comfortable.

For me, it's all about the work.

But as far as rumors, those are people's opinions.

Until you see me on a corner with a cardboard box saying I'll tap dance for food or canned goods, then you can say that I'm broke.

Now, in the history of human beings, has anyone ever

done anything other than for a reason or not for a reason?

You're saying there's a reason for everything.

Or not.

Sure.

How do you say that?

You're bringing up that quote as if that's.

I'm a smart guy.

I'm very smart.

And then go on to say something that's so redundant and unnecessary.

Well, I find that people who say they're smart or say that they know funny aren't smart or funny.

I would disagree.

Sometimes people who say they know funny are very funny.

Some of the funniest people I know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you don't know.

You just don't know.

What about smart?

Is Bowow smart or is Q smart?

No, no, no.

I wasn't talking about Q, but like people.

People who will

consistently

compare themselves to other people who obviously have a superior intellect.

Or just consistently try to let the room know that they are smart.

Do you find those people aren't smart or do you find that they probably are smart, but they just don't have any tact?

Or maybe they have knowledge, but not intelligence.

Big deal.

Is there a big difference?

Knowledge and intelligence?

Yeah, I would say knowledge is more of like reading plus memory equals knowledge.

Intelligence is something different.

It's the ability to figure things out and

of course

with what we do, knowledge, for sure.

We mean we.

Like on comic book man or podcasting?

Yeah.

I don't think you have to be overly like intelligent to do it.

I mean,

evidence being what it is.

Master podcaster Ming Chen.

I don't know if you saw the article.

Oh, Ming Cheese.

Makes a very smart dude.

No, I'm just kidding.

He makes a very smart dude.

But god damn it.

Hold on a second.

Sorry, right.

Stupid.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

They're not working with these headphones.

I love it.

But I mean, yeah, I mean, obviously, so many podcasts are around.

I don't think you have to be overly intelligent to do a podcast.

No, no, I don't know.

But it does help to have knowledge of something that you can talk about.

Right.

Or gleefully, no knowledge about it and talk about it anyway.

That works.

Reasons or no reasons?

Knowledge or no knowledge?

Doesn't matter.

Teaching is a little smart.

Lil Bow Wow is a little bit more smarter than you gave him credit for.

He's probably smarter than me.

I mean,

a lot of people right now are shaking their head while they're listening to this.

Right.

Nodding in approval.

They feel for me like you feel for Lil Bow Wow.

Yeah, so don't do that.

Don't.

So you've never puffed up your resume?

You've never...

Resume.

Yeah.

I mean, did you ever have a resume?

I did.

I puffed up my resume when I got a job in the mid-90s at the movie theater.

Isn't that the equivalent of what Lil Bow Wow is doing?

Puffing his resume?

No.

That's what I'm saying.

And I think it's his words devious than what he's doing.

That hurts more people because a qualified candidate for that job didn't get it because of your lies.

Right.

What did Lil Bow Wow

take from

anybody by telling you he was on a better plane than he was?

He's a poser.

I'm not saying that either is better or worse.

I'm just you ask me a question, I answer it, and then you accuse me of being worse than Lil' Bow Wow.

You brought the story up because I think you're annoyed by the story.

You don't like Lil Bow Wow.

You want to.

I have no opinion with Lil Bow Wow.

I think it's funny, though.

I like that they did the Lil Bow Wow challenge.

You like that

he's being shamed.

Yes, I like his fall from grace.

I like the Bow Wow shaming.

I do.

I enjoy it.

It's fun to watch people because it makes people creative.

They're like, hey, if Lil Bow Wow can lie about shit.

Creative, though, and all for all the wrong reasons, though.

Creative in a way that is.

There are no wrong reasons to be creative, unless you're creating

Nazi dad names and shit.

Do you think that

what he did is just a version?

And I know the three of us are not

social media.

We're not Facebook people.

But isn't that what people do on Facebook?

They just show you the best parts of their lives.

I don't think I've seen a real picture of anyone in the past five years.

On the Facebook.

On Facebook, on the Instagram.

I mean, a real way on Twitter.

It's not been

filtered or Photoshopped or doctored or whatever.

Well, I just mean even yes to that.

Yes

to actually what you're seeing, but also it's the perfect it's the perfect life that people present on there, like partying with my gals all the time and out doing shit like that.

But it's just like everybody,

friends, who are you friends with?

I don't know.

I'm not on it.

I'm exciting that.

You're partying with my gals.

Yeah, out with the gals.

I mean, I'm not on it, so I don't know.

I stay away from it.

Is it Sal and Sal's gals?

Is it him?

That would be fucking amazing.

Sal was out partying with the Sal gals.

Oh, I would love that so much.

This is the best part of my life.

I'm going to put it on Facebook.

I would go on Facebook if there was shit like that on there.

Yeah, but isn't he just doing what comes out of it?

He could have kept me away from it.

Q, we really need John Seth.

Hold on, hold on.

Sal went out with the Sal Gals.

Didn't Lil Bow Wow do what everybody, what millions of people do daily, just puff it up a little bit?

Then

it really is?

That's what I'm saying.

Well, my resume was an outright lie.

It was just lies with phone numbers to people that I knew would be like, oh, sure, this is, he did.

This cured cancer.

Yes.

Yeah.

Because it was either that.

It was that or the fucking car wash.

I walked away from the car wash after an hour.

I'm like, this sucks.

Let me go fucking fake a resume.

Maybe I'll get a job here.

And then I did.

And then after like six or eight months, I was like, this sucks.

And I quit.

So then your fucking precious qualified candidate probably did get his job then.

Well, maybe not.

It was a dream job.

Maybe it was, you know, maybe when he didn't, maybe that

it's the

butterfly effect.

You have no idea if that guy was.

He probably killed himself.

Yeah.

It's a possibility that

some horrible shit went down because he was a fucking Charlie Brown with a briefcase in his hand, his laser draped over his arm.

The wife's like, you didn't get it, did you?

She already knows.

She sees him outside with those fucking slump shoulders.

She knows.

Oh, no

no dinner tonight kids that fucking loser someone was more qualified than your father

to stock candy

to not count candy at night like i don't know i guess it's all there

yeah

um and to check and see if enough butter was being used in the fucking popcorn machine right yeah like what was our per capita oh my god the managers used to go crazy for the per capita on a saturday night they would all like circle jerk over each other if like the per capita, which was like, you know, 100 people come in, $100 is spent a concession.

That means it's a $1

per capita.

And if it was like, I remember if it was like, went into the $2 range, boners would start to grow.

Like, inch towards the $3.

Oh, forget it, man.

And they were like $69 and all over the place.

To what end, though, did they?

They meant nothing to any of us.

Nobody got a bonus.

Nobody saw any of the money, but they were so thrilled.

I guess that's called interest in your work.

I guess.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like, we're doing a good job.

It is.

I'm like, are we?

Something that I have never possessed like that.

You know who does, I mean,

this one, fucking Stacey, that, my company woman, eh?

Oh, Lord, dude.

Like, over the years, over the decades, I've always looked at her almost like an alien creature because it's that thing of like

work ethic.

What's I'm getting paid to do something, so I should do it to the best of my ability.

Right.

Not like how little can I do before they catch up.

Right, right.

I'm like, where can I nap, and how long can I take that nap before anybody notices?

Yeah,

I don't fucking get it.

Like, I never got it until I got in the fire department.

Then I was like,

big difference.

Yeah, you're slacking on the fire department.

People definitely noticed that.

Yeah.

This dude, the house burned down.

I'm like, yeah, well, I was catching some Z's.

I didn't start the fire.

Yeah.

Nice.

But I think what I did was like, mine was self-preservation.

whereas little bow wow is like, look how, I agree with you, look how much better I am than you people.

Wouldn't you guys love to live my lifestyle, the lifestyle of a little bow wow, instead of yours?

And of course, everyone's like, well, yeah.

You're flying around in private jets and you got fancy cars parked in front of the jets.

And then it turns out it's all live.

But I mean, we've seen this.

I mean, like, I see these, this is like a Nickelodeon, like,

like, Walt Disney kind of show.

Like, you know,

it's like, you know, and then he's embarrassed because he was exposed, and he learns the true meaning of whatever the lesson that he's supposed to be taught here.

But, like,

I think the internet just should be a little bit careful about taking it too far, though, because it's not that egregious a sin, what he did.

It's not, but it's, it's, there's far more worse motherfuckers out there that should be taken to task than this dude.

Like, probably, yeah, like, there is no like Nazi dad challenge.

Like, nobody's giving him shit, but Lil Bowell.

I think it's like, look, you put yourself out there, you put that shit out there.

It's like you got, when you get busted, you have to expect that people are going to like, it's pretty good-natured, this ribbing.

It's just basically people pretending they're doing, or, or they're somewhere that they're not, you know, or they have a car that they don't, or they're at a concert that they're not really at, you know.

Yeah.

I mean, basically, like the same exact thing Lil Bow Wow did at the Buffalo game or whatever, the Falcons game.

So I'm just saying.

First of all, most people don't even get to fly first class.

So we could have just been like, I'm flying first class.

No, that's not good enough, though.

You don't have money to burn.

Like, you make it rain at that ticket counter.

I didn't fucking fly first class till people started paying for me to fly first class.

Like, that shit's expensive.

So fucking, there's no way.

The upgrades are nuts.

When I went to Scotland, I looked at the upgrade.

It was like $900.

I was like,

it's nuts.

Extra leg room won't be good enough.

But it's weird because some flights, it's like $200.

It's so fucking bizarre.

But anyway, like most people do not fly first class, so he could have just been like rolling up and first.

But what's the point of doing any of it, I guess?

Because you can't just have money.

You have to flaunt it.

Yeah.

Do you think you're not flaunting your wealth enough, Walt?

Maybe

you need to take a private car somewhere.

I know you're not going to fly anywhere, but

you and Lil Cooper go somewhere to fence the car.

I would like to see that.

I would fucking watch the hell out of it.

I've been following.

I got to say,

I'm waiting for more.

Lily's Frenchie on Instagram.

I'm waiting for some more incendiary

material.

I told you that that's

because

that was just to get it kicked off to get people to give it a shot.

Another lie, another entertainment lie.

No, it wasn't a lie, but I can't expect her to have the level of interest with such nonsense of

being incendiary like that.

And, you know, she wants to do cute stuff.

That's what she's into right now.

Cute stuff?

Cute pictures of the dog.

I mean, that's so.

You can't expect her to be interested enough.

I'm like, no, no, no.

Let's Photoshop some turds on Terrorist Face.

You should have the dog.

You should have Cooper do the challenge, the little bow wow terrorists.

You should, yeah.

Like

he's posed in front of like a super fancy dog house or something.

Yeah, that's true.

I think Cooper's better than that, though.

I think he's bigger than it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think he's, but you know, I don't want him just, I don't want to associate him with just to go with just with every current

trend on the internet.

I don't want I want him to to build his own

hashtag positive vibes.

No, no.

I want him to build his own account without having to like

placate to all the

trends that you know and in that die within a couple of days.

That's how you get fucking famous though, man.

But I want to hear

every trend.

I want him to earn it.

I realize he's not hosting the accounts.

Right, but I want him to earn it based upon his.

I'm not talking in the third person.

I want him to earn it based upon

his personality and his look.

And

again, I only thought that the terrorist angle just to get people interested to tune in or not tune in, but whatever.

All right.

Now, you know, he sinks or swims

based upon the pictures that my daughter chooses.

Is he a Henry and Penny fan or hater?

Henry and Penny?

Yeah, those dogs that you

inspired us?

Yes.

Why don't you put that?

Like, inspired by, I don't know, because that might draw people to their account.

Maybe you could get them to say, hey, we inspired.

Do you think they really would promote another Frenchie's Instagram account?

No.

Unless it was mocking.

It's a fucking pretty itch.

I mean, to

be a little

dog-eat-dog world.

I didn't mean it to punch that way, but you know for a fact that there's no way that they were going to.

So they're haters.

They're cooperative haters.

I don't know if they're haters.

They're just going to rally around their own dogs.

Their interests are not

anybody else's French ball dog.

That's how you set yourself apart, though.

Like, you had it right with the offensive angle, and then you just jumped on the Henry and Penny bandwagon to be like, let's just take cute pictures like they do.

And that's how you set yourself apart.

Shitting all over Tara's faces week after week, man.

And that's the only way to go.

But

she just wasn't interested in that.

She's never going to be interested in me.

Who the fuck's it all saying?

Do you want even more celebrity news, Q?

Yeah.

We could do an all-celebrity news

episode.

I'm going to read something to you.

You got more?

Oh, sure.

Let me see.

I'm going to read this to you.

Okay.

This is a memo that was not supposed to be leaked.

Walt, I'll get your money.

Okay, I read this today.

I was like, I was inspired by this.

Oh, I just heard about this.

Okay.

Literally on the way down here, somebody told me about this.

Good morning, everyone.

Welcome back.

I'm going to use this as a template for season seven of Comic Book Men, which I don't think we talked about, right?

We didn't say it got renewed because we didn't know.

Congratulations.

Did we?

I can't remember if we knew.

I think it was a few seconds of a TV show.

That's pretty big.

Yeah, me and Walt are going to use this.

I'd like you all to review and adhere to the following.

Why is this?

It's so little.

You want me to read it?

Yeah, can you read it?

I can't even see see it.

I got my goddamn glasses on.

The print is so little.

Why are you floating back and forth from devices?

I don't know.

Oh, because I had that pulled up on my phone, so I just was like, all right.

Good morning, everyone.

Welcome back.

I'd like you all to review and adhere to the following notes and rules for season five of my talk show.

There will be no meetings in my dressing room, no stopping by or popping in, no one in caps.

Do not come to my dressing room unless invited.

Do not open my dressing room.

You would think this all would be covered.

Do not open my dressing room door.

If you open my door, expect to be removed.

My security's team will stop everyone from standing at my door who have the intent to see or speak to me.

I want all the ambushing to stop now.

That includes TV staff.

You must schedule an appointment.

I have been taken advantage of by my lenient policy in the past.

This ends now.

No more.

Do not approach me while I'm in the makeup chair unless I ask to speak with you directly, either knock or use the doorbell.

I am seeking more free time throughout the day.

Do not wait in the hallway to speak to me.

I hate being ambushed.

Please make an appointment.

I promise you I will not entertain you in the hallway.

Do not attempt to walk with me.

If you're reading this, yes, I mean you.

Everyone, do not take offense at the new way of doing business.

It is for the good of my personal life and enjoyment.

Thank you all.

Because that's all that fucking matters is his enjoyment of his personal life.

Why shouldn't it?

Why shouldn't it matter to him?

So he's at work, and now he's like, every two seconds somebody's like, hey man, shuck and jive for me, Steve Harvey.

And he's like, but the people on the fucking show, the producers aren't enough.

But I mean, like, if he's in his makeup chair and he's trying to get his makeup done and people are coming in and being like, hey, Steve Harvey, did you hear about, did you see Sal's Facebook last night?

Ha ha ha.

You know, whatever.

Oh, I assumed it was more pertinent

need to talk to a mother than like, hey, did you see something on TV last night?

Didn't seem that way, did it?

That seems like a man who is at the end of his rope with bullshit coming at him from all angles.

I bet you it's a mixture of like small talk conversations.

He's being ambushed.

He mentioned it several times.

He's being ambushed in the hallways.

Like, people are waiting to hang out and talk with him.

I can't wait till the fucking day comes when no one's ambushing him and he's fucking going, like, what happened?

Oh, he's sitting on a pile of fucking money and actually taking a private jet, probably.

Right now,

he's taking some Harvey challenges.

Nothing lasts forever.

You know what his mistake was?

Is he

wrote that

for himself in San Francisco?

He should have gone to a producer and been like, write this email.

But this could be the beginning of the end, though.

Because you can't go on TV now and be fucking likable and do your little fans.

Because that was his thing.

He's the nice guy.

Yes.

Now you can't sit there with little kids

and put the face on when they say something cute and just sit there and melt

while a little girl says something like sassy to you and melt and

have America all in unison go, oh,

now they just can't stand you now.

I don't know.

Do you think that's true?

I bet.

Oh, I guarantee you this has got to come.

Steve Harvey backlash?

This has got to come.

Why?

How could you not want to back to say it?

That's gross.

But you don't know what's going on with him that he needs.

What do you mean I don't know?

I don't get it on that level, but I sure as hell fucking get it when we're filming.

Like, I've got to talk to you about this.

I got to talk to you about this.

Hey, there's somebody outside that wants to talk to you about this.

But that's not on his level.

That's show-related.

Yeah, but he shot it.

No, it isn't.

He does a talk show year-round, brother.

You guys shoot for like two and a half weeks like this fucking guy is like, but like I said, I go not on that level.

I know it's another galaxy.

Well, that's the difference.

That's what you're talking about.

So he's getting fucking paid another galaxy to do that.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean that you have to entertain every single fucking motherfucker who decides what's important enough to intrude on your time in life.

You're at work.

You're at work.

Yeah, but so what?

It's not as like he's at home in there.

Yeah, but he's the boss at work, which means he decides what's fucking important enough for him to deal with.

This is coming from a broken man who's intruded upon my Giddam and Mike every day

with their bullshit nonsense.

Don't get me wrong.

If I'm practical joke, he's went to season 25.

I could never see me reacting to my crew that way.

They're like family.

I hate to bring up the Guardians of the Galaxy.

Oh, boy.

You're going to use the word family to describe.

Yes.

Family.

I've been with these guys for like seven, eight years now.

They're closer to me than some of my family.

But family,

a lot of people throw that word around and it kind of makes the word meaningful.

I'm not saying every single crew member is family, but certain.

Do you want to name the ones that aren't?

I can name five that are right off the bat.

You know, Shay would be on the show.

Shay's at the top of the list.

Yeah, like there are people that are closer to me than family on that show.

Closer than family.

Without a doubt.

And I could never

function without them being on the site.

Not function, but you would.

Well, the show would go on no matter the system.

Oh, yeah, yeah, without a doubt.

It wouldn't be the same.

Like, I wouldn't enjoy going to work if they they weren't there as much.

So it's like, I can never write this email, but don't get me wrong.

I can fucking understand

being like, I can't fucking.

But see, this is the thing.

With my crew, I could just say to him, like, guys, I can't fucking, my brain's shot.

And that's it.

We start talking about nonsense.

But to write an email like that, that guy, he was driven to write that email.

There's no way that that.

Because it's season five.

It's not season one.

Just on this.

He's got like 10 shows on the end, this fucking guy.

Like, he's even saying, like, I need to manage my personal time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right.

We should feel sorry for him.

I'm not saying we should.

You feel sorry for Lil Bow Wow, who's a fucking liar.

Who's being honest?

Who's like, hey, man, I can't take it anymore.

Stop ambushing me.

Right.

He's being honest.

But Lil Bow Wow is like, hey, everybody, check out my plane, yo.

Yeah, but you don't got to follow him, though.

You don't got to follow and see that from Lil Bow Wow.

Yeah, but he's Steve Harvey isn't saying, like, I will fire you if you do this.

Oh, I think there's repercussions if you don't adhere to it.

Well, if you're stupid enough after this,

saying you will be removed is very vague as to like what does that mean exactly.

If after you read this, you're like, hey, Steve Harvey, like you jump out from behind a fucking artist can.

You'll take this guy out of practice.

Some viewers to be like, you know what?

I don't really like this guy.

Mel Gibson is back making movies.

You think this fucking letter is going to end Steve Harvey's career?

I think,

but Mel Gibson isn't in our home.

We don't invite Mel Gibson into our home, so.

Well, if you're a Nazi dad, you do.

No, he doesn't have 10 TV shows.

He does.

You make an effort to go see a Mel Gibson movie.

You got to go pay to go see it.

Got to get in your car and drive to the theater.

This one, you turn the TV on.

No, it's just, it's very easy to turn a channel because you're like, oh, yeah, that's the jerk off that wrote that memo.

Yeah, I guess.

I guess so, but it wouldn't stop me.

I mean, start watching fucking Steve Harvey Show in support.

Is that the show he's on?

What show is he talking about?

He's on the Steve Harvey Show, talk show.

Shoots in Chicago.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, what is it, like one of those talk shows where he helps people with problems?

No, I think it's like a fluff.

I've never seen it.

It's like not like Dr.

Phil?

Yeah, I've never seen it, but I don't think it's put it this way.

They wanted to have us on,

so I don't think Dr.

Phil would have us on.

You don't, what, Dr.

Phil, what, is not a real doctor?

No, he's gotten sued several times.

I think he's a real doctor, but I don't think he's legit.

He's an entertainer

who took off after Oprah introduced us.

Right, but you don't think his show.

what do you mean his show is fake?

I don't know if it's fake.

I mean, I've seen parts of that show where I'm like,

is it possible that this is real that people really would, knowing there are cameras there,

would smack their children around and scream at them the way that they are?

They're not like, again, amping it up for the, because the cameras are there.

They're like, you know, you're the worst parent in the world.

And then they're in the person's house and it's fucking unreal, the abuse that these kids are taking.

And you wonder, like,

I mean, it's being packaged into entertainment, the abuse of children, right?

Because you could easily do something about it without putting cameras in a person's house and seeing how awful they really are, and then bringing them on fucking stage to shame them for being awful and all this other shit.

I thought he helps them.

He says he does.

I mean, a lot of the talk shows said that they have, right?

It's like, oh, then they got counseling.

That's when Steve Harvey's is more like, I guess, like a Johnny Carson, where he just talks to celebs.

Yeah, I've never seen it, so I don't know.

And you were invited on?

We were invited on.

And not because you were doing anything like you needed help with?

No, no.

I wouldn't turn to see Harvey when you're screaming at your cats.

Yeah, no, I think he's just like an Ellen, like just a

you were on Ellen too, right?

We were not on Ellen, no.

We were invited on Elsa.

You were dancing on Ellen, I told you.

No, no.

What was it that I was dancing that you were like.

Oh, no, it was a hypothetical.

Yeah, yeah.

It was a hypothetical, like

Alice said.

It was a, oh, man, we never talked about this on the air.

No.

It was years ago when the show first started.

And, you know,

trying to promote it anyway.

He was like, what if the only way they would let you on the Ellen show is if you danced with him?

Did you agree to dancer?

I probably said no at the time, but now

we'd be joking.

I'd just like to shut up at the studio.

You know what to do, monkey.

Fucking, they trained this monkey.

Yeah, I'm like, yes.

Same thing.

I mean, if it were us, like, you couldn't couldn't stop Ming from dancing with El.

Like, I think Ella would be like, all right, enough.

You would have to put Ming down to stop him from dancing.

Right.

You'd have to euthanize him.

But he wasn't even like.

He says, I don't apologize.

He shouldn't apologize.

He says, I don't apologize.

He's setting work policy.

Why should he fucking apologize?

He's not saying don't look me in the eyes, shit like that.

Basically, he is, though.

Well, why the fuck are they looking him in the eyes?

No.

Nah, but I even, you know what?

Like, I remember when I was talking about.

What other job is that acceptable in?

Is that only are you, what other workplace environment could you make that kind of statement or demand?

Only, only in the shit fucking industry of fucking entertainment can you make it?

Why, you think of this, if the CEO of fucking

Coca-Cola had fucking subordinates coming into his office every 10 seconds, that he wouldn't be like, what the fuck is this?

Of course he would.

I gotta say, I envy Steve Harvey's white teeth, man.

He's got some fucking white fucking choppers.

Yeah, he does.

If you're the CEO of a company

and you're annoyed that people are coming to you because they need your, they need input and they need your butt.

But this narrative that you're fucking creating is not one that I think Steve Harvey is saying, where it's like, I can hear anything.

Do we go with New Coke or not?

And he's like, fuck off.

And they're like, I guess we go with it.

To me, there's nothing in that story

that relays what it is that he it sounds to me like he doesn't want to talk to anybody.

Don't come up to me and ask me anything.

Well, I think because he's like, I don't want to say, okay, this is why he specified like no one.

This means everyone.

Because I'm not going to pick and shoot.

He probably has a couple of people that it's like, you know, I kind of like when they come in, but there's a whole shitload of people who are fucking annoying and are like, oh, hey, Steve Harvey, let's fucking chat about some bullshit that you don't care about.

And up to this point,

he's entertained it and he's been nice about it.

Steve, this is my third cousin.

Could you say hi and take a picture?

Hey, hey, can you do a voicemail for

my fucking blah, blah, blah.

I was graduating, blah, blah, blah.

And remember when he was a nobody?

No, he's always been sick.

What's that got to do with anything?

Because that's the price of fucking

what you chased.

Imagine ever being like, imagine ever being that guy.

Do you think when he go back in time and talk to his younger self and be like,

you're going to write this memo?

It would horrify me if I did.

So what?

But that doesn't change the reality of his situation, which is like fucking people people are bothering him all goddamn day.

Wow.

Yeah.

Okay.

So he, let's see, let's watch his early life, his career.

He first started performing stand-up comedy in 1985.

Was he in the kings of comedy?

He was homeless for multiple years.

He slept in his 1985.

I wonder if he was bothering people for a handout.

He showered a kid.

And then when nobody looked him in the eye then, right?

Did it bother him?

He was paying his dues.

He was paying his dues in the most

Hollywood way possible, where it's like, I live in a fucking car.

This is how badly I want to do it.

I'm going to live in a car for years.

I'm going to take

baths in a hess station sink.

I'm going to jump in a swimming pool to try to get clean.

He does it for years so that he can be.

He eventually

did something where he won a talent show, and then it led to a long stint as host of its Showtime at the Apollo.

And that's what I'm saying.

Could you make that memo, though, in any other occupation?

Can you write?

I think you could, yeah.

I think you could definitely.

And come across as like, and get, and get, and get the understanding.

I'm not saying he's coming across great.

I'm saying I understand where he's coming from.

You'll get that.

You'll give that same understanding to somebody who's like a plumber.

Yeah.

A plumber.

A plumber

who works with the same guy every day and is like, don't talk to me.

He sends him a memo.

That seems a little weird.

But that's what I'm saying.

What I think is happening here is it's not one person, it's fucking everybody.

Everybody.

Everybody every day coming with those kind of requests and stuff.

And at the time, sure, like if somebody was like, hey, I saw you at Chuckles Comedy Club in fucking Cleveland or whatever.

Can you sign this?

He probably was like, oh my God, yes.

Isn't that fans?

That to me sounds like fans.

I think that these people are like fanboying or fan girling out on Steve Hart.

That's right.

You have to.

That's my narrative.

Your narrative is a bad thing.

My narrative is that it's like, hey, brother, do you want to book this guy?

And he's fucking freaking out.

I don't think that's it.

And even if there is, then there's appropriate channels for that anyway.

Make an appointment.

Make an appointment.

Make an appointment.

I bet you

burst it on a doctor.

Same asshole

that

will blame his staff

if something, if something.

If a memo leaks.

Yeah.

I mean, that makes sense.

He's clearly following on things that if something happens he doesn't like, then he'll be like, and then he'll be just as quick then to blame.

that he created this atmosphere.

If that happens,

then yeah, it's his fault.

But why couldn't they make it a fucking appointment to talk to him about it?

Who do they make the appointment with?

I want to know who leaked it, man.

Like, somebody's got to have the ability to go to him and be like, Tommy.

Fuck.

Did they make an appointment to be like, Steve, your memo leaked it?

You're fucking

horrified when he saw this?

Oh, he's not happy.

Oh, yeah.

Because he knows somebody fucking released that on his staff, and he's like, oh, fuck.

Wait a second.

Hold on a second.

It's hard to like him after getting that memo, right?

Even if you like the guy, let's say you were friends with him.

Is it hard now

to ever look at him the same way again?

Like if Mike sent that memo to the comic book men

crew.

Yeah.

And it got leaked by, I don't know, some

podcaster.

Yeah, do you look at Mike the same?

If you know that he he wrote that?

I think it would be fucking awesome if Mike wrote him.

I would respect him so much.

I'd be like, that is unbelievable.

You have to make an appointment.

Ming, Ming, how's my appointment look?

My appointment look.

You're all

freed all day.

Pretty clear, Chief.

Pretty clear.

Smooth sailing, I guess.

Yeah.

So this is not the first time that

he's been scrutinized.

Well, there was a controversial segment on his talk show that poked fun at Asian men.

Oh, yes.

Now we have an Asian friend, Ming Chen.

Humor was not meant with any malice.

Okay.

What did he say?

He had a cover of a book, How to Date a White Woman, a practical guide for Asian men.

And then he launched into a minute-long monologue about how no women, white or otherwise, would ever go out with an Asian man.

You like Asian men?

I don't even like Chinese food, boy.

I don't stay with you no time.

I don't eat what I can't pronounce.

And then he doubled over while the audience uncomfortably laughed.

He was so entertained by his own racist fucking diatribe.

You got to love that, man.

So he did that.

It is weird.

It is a weird thing.

It's a Teflon, I think.

Remember,

he said the wrong name at that pageant list?

I know it.

And I felt the same level of

sympathy as a little bow wow.

I felt the same level of sympathy for that dude as I did Lil Bow Wow.

And

I felt it was wrong, that the internet just

was like they saw fresh meat, and they tore him apart.

He made a mistake.

He was trending on Twitter for a homophobic rant on his show.

I guess he didn't believe in

gay marriage or something.

That's the way it would appear.

So I guess maybe

he's got the Teflon coding.

Even this won't hurt him.

Okay, well,

this is the one comment that.

Oh, no, no, there's 171 comments.

Someone says, well, how rude.

I wouldn't even look at him, ever speak to him, and find another job.

Will not work with an ass.

I'm sorry, you're going to get another job in the entertainment industry and not work with an ass?

Yeah.

Good luck, asshole.

I also think that this woman does not work in the entertainment industry.

I mean, you should see the spelling.

Steve Garvey may have, I'm sorry, Steve Harvey may have overextended himself with all the entertainment work he was doing.

Are we going to see this from Chris Hardwick or Ryan Seacress next?

Are they they going to flip out?

You will never see anything like that from Chris Hardwick.

No, he's too nice.

He's too nice, and that motherfucker is professional.

Steve Harvey's not.

You think Steve Harvey is not professional by writing that email?

I don't think he's got his eye on it.

I don't think anybody on the planet has their eye on the prize like Chris Hardwick does.

Like that guy is just.

No, I meant Steve Hart, but like you're saying, writing that email, letting it get out.

Yeah,

I think that's indicative of him being a dick behind the scenes.

I don't know if Chris Hardwick,

I mean, I've only met Chris Hardwick a couple of times, and I'm not really versed in his stuff, but I know that that guy works really hard and a lot.

Well, so does Steve Harvey, it sounds like

he's working.

Well, it seems to me, I mean, if I'm not.

It seems to me that Steve Harvey, it's like people want to joke around.

He's probably a funny guy, and people want to joke around him.

He's like, hey, man, do your Asian guy bit.

And he's like, I'm not against it.

You've created this like this scenario where it's like, where the crew is just like, perform for us.

That's the way the memo reads, don't you think?

No.

No?

You think that people are like, hey, Steve, we need to do this with work.

And he's just like, fuck off.

Yes.

Everybody, fuck off.

When I read that, I saw nothing in there that led me to believe that this was all about fluff, that

he's being attacked about fluff things.

It's like,

in my mind, I guess because

the only thing I could use as any kind of reference is

our set.

And it's, you know, when people come to you, it's pertinent.

It's like,

we need this.

We need to address this.

Boom, boom, boom.

No one's asking, you know.

All right, well, we could, do you want to hear from the man himself?

Because he responded.

I could not find a way to walk from the stage to my dressing room, to sit in my makeup chair, to walk from my dressing room to the stage.

Or just, I mean, he's kind of said the same thing, just in different words, or just sit and have lunch without somebody just walking in.

I've always had a policy, you know, where you can come and talk to me.

So many people are so great around here, but some of them just started taking advantage of it.

In my makeup chair, they walk in the room.

I'm having lunch.

They walk in.

They don't knock.

I'm in the hallway.

I'm getting ambushed.

I mean, this is sort of the same shit as the memo.

In hindsight, I probably should have handled it a little differently.

Well, I'd say so.

Well, recognizing that he should have dealt with the situation in a different manner, he explained that he was asking everyone to simply honor and respect his privacy.

If you come out of your house, you don't want anybody on your porch waiting on you.

You walk to your car, you don't want people bothering you on your way to the car.

See, this is what makes me think.

It's not about work stuff.

I just didn't want to be in this prison anymore where I had to be in this little room, scared to go out and take a breath of fresh air without somebody approaching me.

So I wrote this letter.

I don't apologize about the letter, but it's kind of crazy what people who took this thing and ran, man.

People like Walt Flanagan.

He should have had someone professionally write that.

That's it.

That's

not even coherent.

It doesn't even help the cause at all.

He's talking about fucking being in peace.

I'm a Steve Harvey defender.

Even I can't.

apologize.

I'm an apologist.

Even I read that, and I'm like, oh my God, I could have even done a draft for him, and that would have sounded better.

Oh, that's terrible.

I don't know.

I got a feeling that he could lose some viewers.

I mean, I don't wish.

I'm not looking

to punish the guy.

I don't care.

But, I mean,

goddamn, though.

It just seems like it's.

Well, he didn't write the letter for no reason.

When you get that check,

doesn't that take away all the fucking ills?

I don't know.

I see you all summer.

It doesn't seem to.

Why wouldn't that take away the ills?

That doesn't even make sense.

The little things that like.

Mo money, mo problem.

Steve Harvey is a living example.

You can't eat.

I couldn't eat my lunch without being disturbed.

What's wrong with that?

Why can't you eat lunch and not be disturbed?

And that's a dick move?

No, but I'm saying it's.

It's actually a simple request.

Yeah.

But it's not, we're not talking about something that is worth causing you so much backlash for.

Just.

Well, I don't think he was like, well, when they leak this, I guess I'll address it.

Yeah.

I mean, he shouldn't have written that letter.

I agree.

But

I think he should have written it, like you said, but written it to himself and then looked at it and then been like giving it to a producer and like, hey, I'm not going to.

Change this from first person, please.

Yeah.

I'd sign your name on the bottom and put it ugly.

Because then you could also be like, ah,

you could even be like, then you could be like, he said that?

I'd be like, ah, you know what?

I haven't stressed lately, so he's just being a good guy.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

He really should have did, to be honest with you, he should have tweeted that he just had a nervous breakdown when he wrote that.

And he should have, I'm admitting myself into a hospital right now.

Boom.

Sympathy, boom.

totally takes away all the teeth out of that bite of writing that.

You'd have to go away for a couple of days.

He does a little bow wow in front of a mental hospital.

That's why he's like, wait, that's a stock photo of Danvers in Massachusetts.

Like,

if I was one of his handlers,

I would advise, like, you have to, you have to.

Fake a panic attack right now.

Yeah.

Go into

for, and check yourself into a clinic

and say that you wrote that under a mental duress and you're in the throes of a mental breakdown.

I mean, people can identify with that.

So, lie.

Lie.

But

does he go to the hospital?

Everything you fucking out of everybody's mouth is a lie.

Private jets, mental breakdowns.

It's all bullshit.

You know what's not a lie?

Oh, boy.

Add time.

Yeah.

Is it fucking that box of loot?

We could talk about that.

Sure, why not?

That's not a lie.

People get, oh, somebody asked me, Q,

if you had to pay for Luke Crate, would you be so fucking enthusiastic about it?

Well, one,

if by enthusiastic,

I say that I like it and the shit in it's cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

Why wouldn't I?

I like it.

Shit in it's cool.

All right.

People are just saying that maybe you're just like a

puppet for Luke Crate.

Maybe you're just.

I have been a puppet for things.

This is not one of them.

You actually like Luke Crate.

I do like Luke Crate.

Yeah.

Luke Crate

and the vanilla granola are the two things that I've always been liking.

We'll talk about that a little later.

Really?

Nature Box back?

Sure.

Oh, shit.

See, that's how you.

That fucking vanilla.

You want to switch back to Nature Box since we're in that mode?

Or you want to get Luke Crate?

Yeah, Luke Crate will do later.

Yeah.

Right now it's Nature Box.

I love Nature Crutch.

What do you do when you want a snack, but all you can find is junk food.

I'll tell you what I do.

I fucking starved.

This past weekend, I don't know what the line was in Vegas, but I took down Debbie Flanagan in the weekend Warrior Challenge.

Oh, holy shit.

Around seven o'clock at night, she was like, I'm going to go get on the treadmill and I'm going to have to go on for a while.

And I was like,

And she said, even my foot hurts.

I was like, Don't.

I go, Let it.

I go, you got to let this one go.

I knew this was a conversation.

I knew it.

You've got to let this one go.

It's going to be mean a lot more to him than it is to you.

I was in so much pain.

You could tell her for what it's worth.

I said to her, I said, but when she told me the steps that you were at, I was like,

either he's put it on his new dog,

he put it on his dog's collar, or he is pushing himself so much he's going to be in a hospital tomorrow.

I go, if he's going to, either way, I said, he needs this more than you do.

He goes, let's watch this.

You'll get it tomorrow.

And the next day.

And the next day.

At a certain point, she said, he must be walking for,

he had to have walked for like eight hours straight to get these numbers you're getting.

And I was just like, I go, if he's not going to be able to get it.

But she's right there.

He's going to be.

If he can walk for eight hours straight.

He's going to pay for it if he is.

I said, and he's going to, I mean, physically, I can't imagine that he's not going to be in,

he's going to be in good shape after getting this victory.

No, after the two days, Saturday and Sunday, it was like, oh, my God.

Like, my knees and my legs hurt so bad because I went in the woods, you know?

Yeah.

And it's kind of a different walk than that.

She was measuring your elevation.

She was looking.

It's like, what was he doing?

90 flights and shit.

It's because, yeah, I'm going up and down the hills.

And I said, yeah, he's in Highlands.

I said.

And she goes, I don't believe.

She was questioning the ethics.

She was like, he's bowwowing me?

I got bowwowed.

Great.

No, I wouldn't do it.

You know what?

I go, I don't think.

I go, I guarantee he's not cheating.

I go, I think he just needed this.

I go,

I think this was something he truly, truly wanted to do, and I believe he's out doing it.

I said.

And that's a good idea.

I guarantee every other day after that, she hammered me.

I guarantee it.

It was just those two days.

I'm like, let me do it.

What program is it again?

This is the Fitbit thing.

And there are people that are going to be able to do it.

Oh,

I was

getting updates constantly, and she was just like, she's like, how is he doing this?

He goes,

how is he getting this many tips?

It's not possible.

I got to tell you, it was the same thing with me.

I was just like, oh, my God, she's only 2,000 seconds behind me.

I'm like, so I got to go out and walk again.

Like, three walks on Saturday, I went on.

Oh, wow.

And I said once, I go, you know what, though?

You'll never, and she goes, well, I'll challenge him again the next day.

I go, it won't matter.

I said, you'll never care about it ever again.

You'll never care about it ever again.

You'll never have that same level of enthusiasm for it.

He goes, he was on that little pad for this weekend, and that fucking frog is hopping.

And it's gone.

And you'll never see it again.

I said, there goes his ass a bumping.

You know me, man.

You know me well.

I didn't care.

And there was like a different challenge where it was like some ants and stuff.

And

there are people clocking like this girl, Chris, is clocking like 60,000 steps.

And this other guy, Bruce R., like 56,000 steps.

I'm like, no fucking way am I going to go out and try to beat these guys.

And I'm like, if this is it every weekend, then why the fuck would I join a challenge anymore?

Like, I'm definitely going to lose.

So what's the point?

Right.

Well, you didn't lose this weekend.

So if you did it.

No, I lost against those guys.

You still have to have a new level of

determination.

Yeah, that's probably not going to happen i'm just going to sit around and eat fucking nature box then i'll get healthy then i'll get healthy i think for every granola what's it called the granola vanilla granola what is it but what is oat is it an oat

well granola is an oat is it a is it a nut what is it what is it shape it's like a mix of stuff right what does it look like does it look like a oh they do like a like clusters of they they cluster it up okay i i believe for every one cluster of vanilla granola you eat it's the equivalent of 10 steps so if i get on a treadmill and just eat granola all day.

Don't even have to move.

Just lay on it.

Just put a pillow on the treadmill and just

have a vanilla granola and just keep chowing down on it.

Yeah, I'll have like a feedback on my face like a horse.

I'll talk to Giddam and get a feedback.

It's 50% off, Q, your first order.

If you use naturebox.com/slash T-E-S-D,

they make snakes.

Oh, God.

They make snacks that actually taste great and are better for you.

They don't have any of those artificial colorings, flavors, sweeteners.

So you can feel great about snacking.

Not only are you going to be like, that is pretty good, you're going to feel better about yourself eating this shit.

Is Nature Box in stores yet?

No.

That's soon to happen, I imagine.

The only bad thing about Nature Box Devinelli Granola, because they'll occasionally send it.

They're not like Lucretia.

It doesn't come like clockwork.

But

I will

eat the whole lot of bowls.

I'll eat the whole fucking bag.

It's like these small bags, and you're like.

It doesn't matter how big the bag is, Brian.

I'll eat the whole fucking bag.

They can send me like a potato chips.

So, like, all the health benefits are destroyed because it's so delicious.

I'm like, ah.

Yeah.

I hear you.

Now, are you a vanilla fan?

I mean,

in so much as one can be a vanilla fan, yeah.

Because, you know, vanilla gets a bad rap because it's vanilla.

Or choke vanilla.

No,

I would be.

Chocolate has the charisma and pop and vanilla is like chocolate ice cream.

It's steady.

It's boring.

And boring, but you know what?

At the end of the day,

it's not rich memory.

Do you have any endorsement how many granola chocolate has sucked?

And you want to walk down the wedding aisle like that?

Fucking 100 guys have been in that fucking goddamn chocolate.

Now bring chocolate back home to you on the holidays to meet your family.

Go south.

This is seemingly, wait, now it seems we've taken a turn.

Watch the holiday go south real fast.

Now you bring vanilla to Thanksgiving.

The south race.

Yeah.

Nazi dad's like, oh, we get some nature box.

You sold me.

Sick handle nature box.

Yeah, that's not what I meant.

Me neither.

I don't know how it got there.

Because the whole choke vanilla sounded like that.

So, yeah, naturebox.com slash T-E-S-D,

50% off.

They'll They'll replace it for free if you don't like it and you want something different, and that is it.

Vanilla versus chocolate.

Get it on, man.

Speaking of vanilla and chocolate,

the Kardashians, well known for.

Oh, how great was fucking Norm McDonald's joke about them, by the way, and that stand-up.

Awesome.

It was so fucking.

Get away from me.

Holy shit.

It's so funny.

If you haven't watched it yet, Norman McDonald's stand-up on Hitler's Dog is so fucking funny.

Yeah, it's on Netflix.

Oh, God, it's so good.

Q, you may have some unique insight to this because this is about India.

And I know that you guys are very

lovely country.

It's not unusual for American models to cover international editions of Vogue.

The Indian version tends to feature Indian celebrities such as a bunch of people I can't pronounce.

People got mad that Kendall Jenner was on it.

Why?

A missed opportunity to give a lot of Indian girls and women something empowering to look up to.

Enough.

Okay.

She has 80 million Instagram followers.

That's the world we live in.

And you know what?

80 million?

Lee Lee's franchise.

Fucking in at 2,500.

Oh, it's gross.

That's pretty good in a week, though.

A lot of people would kill for $2,500 in a week.

I promise.

You blame the ants.

No, no, I don't blame the ants.

$80 million you promised?

I promised somewhere, like,

I said that she could get a million.

A million?

We have like 13,000.

Where the fuck are a million people?

I have like 600,000.

I just thought that with

how cute he was and how and the listener base, I thought it would spread like wild.

Lots of people as a dog.

You thought it was going to trend.

I just thought it had the potential, but I was really old.

Dude, if this podcast had a million listeners, I would send True TV a picture of my shit and sit on that.

With a memo.

Yeah.

And be like, I am never coming back to work.

Fuck off.

Yeah,

I would walk into True TV's offices and take a shit on the fucking receptionist thing and walk out.

Shithole country, huh?

The receptionist, like, what did I do?

That would be pretty,

that would be going a little bit over the line.

Just a simple, like, I'm out of here.

You would have really, I mean, you wouldn't need to make that kind of statement, though.

But I'd want to.

Really?

Yeah.

And I like

Steve Harvey-level anger.

It's just family.

And I like it.

I'd be like, hey.

I'd be like, if we could get a million followers, I would shit on Pem and Edgar and my sister and my brothers, extended fucking relatives, third cousins.

Shut up, you step into my office.

You're fucking fired.

You ain't family.

Got a million followers.

Now, I don't understand, though, but what does the million equate to, though?

It doesn't mean you have, like you don't have to work on your.

If we had a million people that listen to this podcast, this would be our full-time job.

A hundred percent.

Really?

Yeah.

But it's free.

Well, it is free.

Wait a second.

How are you thinking you're going to make money off Instagram?

I thought that was a good thing.

So let me ask you something.

Well, those two fucking star dogs aren't making contours.

Right, but I think that's that doesn't mean that's because of their exposure to Instagram.

Like you were telling Alicia, like, we're going to make fucking bank off of Instagram.

She's like, how?

Well, they did.

They made money off of Instagram?

How, though?

They got jobs.

They got like

ancillary stuff

where Instagram was the springboard, and then they got commercials and this and that.

Right, yeah.

I agree with what you're saying.

Yeah.

I would put my balls on Simmy's face if we had a no, I'm kidding.

Because I know Simmy's balls with a Z.

No, because you know we.

Yeah, that's the desk that I, you know what?

If we're all taking, we're all doing Simmons

on desks.

We ambush them.

Let me come in.

Let me get in on Sydney's desk.

You can take the secretary.

You can take Pam Nedger.

Well, I mean, if you guys are going to the True, I want to go.

I'm going to take Sal.

All right.

I don't even.

Look, we get paid.

But we do it for free, though.

So what the hell?

Well, Nature Box pays.

pays per listener?

No, per.

Well, sure, based on the listener base.

We could demand more commercial money.

Oh, my God.

For a million people?

Yeah.

Really?

I don't know.

Absolutely.

So we should try to get more listeners then.

Well, yeah.

Seven years in.

He's like, holy shit.

I just figured out the equation.

But we really don't make that much money off the ads.

I don't know that we would.

Well, we run into a shit all over Smodco.

And we're like, we're keeping all the ad money.

We got to eat a lot.

And take some castor oil.

And your friends into a like

We just got a million followers.

He's like, I own the show.

I got 3 million followers.

There's still a third.

Yeah, but so anyway, I think what people need to understand, the people

who want to put empowering women, is that empowering women, while great, do not sell magazines.

And like it or not, this fucking idiot, Kendall Jenner, will sell magazines.

Skin lightning is very big in India, I read.

Well, first of all, here's another thing.

She's a successful woman.

So why aren't we?

She's not Indian.

So, wait, hold on.

Hold on.

I guess she's not empowering.

So the fucking people.

Wait a second.

What?

Let me read this to you.

The world is calling for

diversity and representation.

In fucking India, now you get a fucking person on the cover who's not Indian and suddenly that's a bad thing.

And she's a powerful woman.

And she's a fucking way successful woman.

Love Kendall Jenner, but this is an opportunity to showcase some of the talented and accomplished Indian women who are out there making a difference in India and the world in so many diverse disciplines.

Wrote user Rupa, I don't know the blessing

on Vogue's India Instagram post.

They could put an Indian woman on the cover from now till doomsday.

It's not going to change shit.

They're still shitting fucking where to eat.

Yeah, you're lucky that there aren't fucking train tracks on that cover.

Right?

It's still a problem.

It's still a problem.

And they're worried about this.

They're fucking shitting.

I don't think every single person does it.

In fairness to India's 1 billion fucking people.

Well, didn't they say only like 20% of the country had indoor plumbing?

Yeah.

But this is.

200 million that aren't on the train tracks.

This is why it's a shithole.

It probably will always be a shithole.

This is what they're concerning themselves about.

Well, I'm sure it's not.

That's not an Indian thing.

Yeah, I bet you this is American people concerned about it.

It could be.

And America doesn't even realize.

That's like the hidden secret, I think.

That's like a good secret about what India is really all about.

Oh, you think that India is pulling a little bow wow, basically, where they're like

fucking taking pictures next to toilets on TV?

I don't think the general public really knows that.

And then you pull out and it's like, holy shit, it's a stock photo of an American standard bowl.

It's a Kohler fucking advertisement.

I don't believe

the general public has any clue what a horror show it is in India.

Oh, definitely not.

With the defecation there.

I remember I was listening to Howard Stern.

This is years and years and years ago.

Robin went on vacation and she went to India.

And she,

I think she's supposed to be there for like a week or whatever it was.

Within two days, she's like, I'm out of here.

This is too funny.

I've had people email me after listening to Tell him Steve Dave when we talk about the shithole countries and said that like when they get when they got off the plane, they were going to India.

It was like getting hit in the, in the, it was like a cartoon.

They got hit in the face with a frying pan and saw stars because the smell of shit just hit them instantly when they got off the plane.

People were shit all over the tarmac.

No, it's just the aroma is everywhere.

Right.

You can't escape it.

I don't know.

It smells like an open sewer.

Ian Morris says he loved it there.

Yeah.

Well,

he's

not traveling like he's not going to tell you, I don't think the,

he's very PC.

Right.

So I doubt he's going to bring that up in a casual conversation.

I'm wondering if

he's he's like uh Hollywood and and famous, he's not like untouchable, like he's hanging out with Hollywood's elite.

I mean, uh, India's elite, Bollywood's elite.

No, he wasn't.

He went there backpacking before they even fucking made them made it in between us.

I just want to assume all these things.

Yeah, now he's that's the truth.

I want to create

creating a lot of fucking false narratives today.

What else am I going to do?

Nothing else going on.

Uh, So he liked it.

He liked it.

There have to be somebody.

It's really great parts.

But like in the cities, like

isn't one of the big mountains in India?

I guess.

Is there a big mountain in India that Ian Morris was climbing?

I guarantee you there's no shit on that mountain because no one's going to try all the way up there.

In the cities, he was in the cities.

That's why it smells better up there.

Oh, so he scaled to the top of the mountain and finally

held his breath the entire way up.

I'm telling you, he did not climb a mountain.

You said he was backpacking.

Yeah, through through cities and shit.

Through mountains, probably.

That's why he didn't get a climate.

He told me he was in cities.

What do you backpack through a city?

Who has ever backpacked through a city?

Well, you've got to get from point A to point.

K-12, that's what I'm thinking of.

That's the famous one, right?

I mean, you want me to call him?

He's not going to tell us.

He's not going to tell us that it's

a cesspool.

Ask him if it smelled like a cesspool.

I don't think he wants to go on record as saying it because it's kind of.

He's going to say it's nice.

He loved it there.

Mount Everest.

You ever want to climb Mount Everest, Everest, well?

What country is that in?

In Nepal.

I guess it's in Nepal and China.

Yeah, it's not.

I don't think I could do it.

Yeah, they're like, people die on the mountain and just leave them there.

Fuck it.

They leave them there like they're an air canister or something.

But you climb, when you climb a mountain, though, is it.

He sent him this from Florida.

He got them all worked up.

Trump's head imposed on Super Demands ripping them.

They just snapped a finger.

There's no sheer climbing of like a sheer cliff climbing to get to the top of Everest, right?

Is it basically just walking up trails?

I think it's, yeah, I don't know that there's any, like, what do they call that, like, repelling and shit type stuff.

Where you need lines.

Like those spikes and stuff.

I don't think so.

You literally can just walk up it.

I think, but it's like super steep and

you're getting

oxygen and

your body starts to like fucking break.

Turn on you.

Start shitting your pants.

Well, fuck you.

But at least you're in India.

Yeah, I know, right?

If you're going to do it anywhere.

You guys want to play a game?

I had that game.

Do you want to play it real quick?

Yeah.

Well, before we do.

Oh, you still got more on Jenner?

No, no, no.

Who?

Before it came to Jenner, that's originally who we started talking about.

Oh, okay.

We might as well talk about Loot Crate.

Yeah.

Q.

You love it.

If you're on a quest for epic gear, housewares, and collectibles.

Loot Crate has it.

The best surprise you know is coming.

What does that mean?

The best surprise you know is coming.

The best surprise you know.

The burst thing's a surprise.

You know it's coming.

The best surprise you know is coming.

Yeah, you know it's coming.

Okay, so you know it's coming in the mail.

It's the best surprise you're ever, you get during the month.

Because you don't know what it's going to be.

No, I think the best surprise is.

Like a baby.

Yeah.

Well, no, a period probably is the best surprise because you're like, no, I don't have to surprise you.

Oh, like a period scare?

Right, yeah.

Loop crate and period scares.

What?

You still get those?

Who, me?

Oh, yeah.

I still get period scares.

But you still get the sweats?

No, not at all.

Okay, good.

No, I have way more than enough money for abortions.

I mean, it's only 500 bucks.

At that time of the month, I make it rain.

Luke Crane.

Luke Crane.

You need to upgrade the first class.

Why are you in coach?

Wow.

I got a rough month, man.

I didn't get that surprise.

Yeah.

An epic range of pop culture.

It's less than $20 a month.

Right?

That's nothing.

Every box is well thought out.

They don't send shit.

No, they theme it.

Like in Mays, Loot Crate, you're going to find some items for Guardians of the Galaxy 2, Star Wars, Destiny, and the Goonies.

Guardians of the Galaxy 2, a little Groot guy, you think?

Will there be a little Groot dude?

One lucky subscriber will also win a mega crate featuring a premium format Groot figure.

That's the 22.5 inches.

That Groot took off.

Oh, man.

He's

like him.

In the comics, what was he like?

Was he anything or not really?

He's been around for a long time, but not like

not beloved, though.

Did he dance to 70s music in any of the comics?

No, no.

That's a new phenomenon that America loves, you know.

Yes, dancing CBI characters.

There used to be women dancing around the table.

Remember that used to be the thing in every movie about women?

Like empowered women.

Oh, yeah.

And it's always the women.

Like, there's no guys.

It's like three generations of women dancing around, and you're like, yeah, this happens.

Like, never, never in my life have I seen that.

It doesn't happen, but it doesn't happen in your house.

People are too busy ducking punches and shit.

Does it happen in your house?

It's all like the Rocky theater.

Does Debbie, do Debbie, her mom, and either of your girls dance around

the kitchen or the living room?

Assuming the dogs aren't involved or anything, it's just the girls.

The dogs definitely get involved in the dancing, but if you're going to say,

if I have to explain.

You got to remove them from the kitchen.

If I got to remove them, then no.

But

when the dogs are in the room, we definitely, they'll come down the stairs and we just start dancing.

That's how good they make us feel.

I bet.

I mean, I believe it.

Why do you go on and on about this?

It's like the best drug because it's not.

Clearly, you've never taken Perkins.

I was telling you.

The look on those eyes, those brown eyes, it's probably...

I would like, even though I've never taken one, I bet you it's like heroin.

You think so?

Yeah.

I've never taken a heroin.

It sounds like you haven't.

You're shooting up Frenchies.

Yeah, you're mainline in Frenchies, son.

Enter the code T-E-S-D.

You're going to have 10% off your new subscription.

And that's it, man.

That is Luke Crate.

Just go do it.

For Christ's sakes.

What do we got to say here?

So we got a game, Walt?

We got a game.

When was the last time, and Brian, when was the last time you guys were thought like a child and were not

polluted by the world's vile

or a specific thing?

Grossness.

What do you mean?

Like, I can get childlike about something.

You can?

Sure.

What?

I gotta think about it.

When's the last thing you got childlike about?

Hmm.

Let me think about it because I diaper play with this.

Meal cute.

Well, Jeff Goldblum gets me childlike sometimes.

I think you're stretching here.

Yeah.

I don't think that's a reach.

We never heard about this, Jeff Goldblum until today.

I think it's been a while since you really had the thoughts.

The wonderment.

The thoughts and the wonderment of a child's brain in your head.

I think you grew up too soon.

I think you.

Thanks to your uncle.

I think that you rushed, you wanted to be an adult so badly that you

rushed to get away from childhood.

I'm going to fuck anything in my path.

No!

I'm horny!

I mean,

you were running to those parties

looking over your shoulder at like He-Man going like, well, nope.

you turn your back on your childhood too quickly.

I mean, you see the amount of shit I buy, right?

You're chasing that.

You're chasing that.

You got tiger trail.

He was blowing guardians earlier.

I don't know.

You guys are talking comics for a half hour before we start.

I don't know that he's lost that.

I do pretty much get that.

Either it's Childlike Wonderment or the guy's retarded.

Why's he got to be the only one of the two?

Why can't it be both?

Going on and on about it.

All right, Brian.

What about you?

When's the last time you could really look back to when you had an unpolluted thought in your, your mind,

there was no polluted thoughts in your mind.

I have the answer.

Okay, I'll go back to you then.

Yeah, I just remembered it.

Okay.

I got, you're going to laugh, but I have the answer what turns you in your mind.

When I had that moment, yeah.

I recently got the new Nintendo for a gift, and when I got it,

that happened to me.

Didn't

New Nintendo?

Yeah, New Nintendo came out recently.

Nintendo Switch.

The Nintendo Switch.

And when I got it, it brought me, I was so shocked and surprised.

And it brought me right back to the same feeling I had when I got it when I was a kid.

And it was just a surprise then.

It was a really

kind of one of those moments.

Very rare.

I'll grant you that.

But that was the last time it happened.

But can you also think back to when you didn't have a, like, I still,

I would

bet big bucks though that there were still some polluted thoughts kicking around your head while you were playing.

It'd be better if there was a porn game.

I mean, I was was with dicks and pussies.

Then it'd be sweet.

I mean, it's just that you can't help.

Yeah, absolutely.

We have been corrupted.

100% correct, yes.

I agree.

So, can you think back what year would it have been when you didn't have a polluted thought in your head?

I mean, you're talking single digits.

Yeah, single digits.

Single digits?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Please say nine?

I don't know.

All right, well, hold on one second.

Don't say don't say anything under

seven.

That's just sad.

Yeah.

Sadder than Lil Bow's attempt at looking rich.

I mean, definitely wasn't junior high school, and how old are you going to start that?

Fucking not nine.

Ten

single digits.

So you start that at 10.

Junior high?

Sure.

You start high school when you're.

Talk about high school.

You start when you're 13.

No.

In our school, it was like you went, our school was like 7th grade through 12th grade.

So you started when you were like 12 or 13.

You start high school when you're 13 or 14 years old.

Junior high school is three years before that.

Or middle school.

Well, that's what I call middle school.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, junior high.

It's middle school.

All right.

But again, just you think nine, eight?

I'd have to,

I guess.

Just to be safe.

Let's go with seven.

Let's say seven to be safe.

That's when your mind was unpolluted by the ills of the world.

And everything was kind of energy now.

I don't know if I've ever had that, Walt.

Like, you're reaching back and you still can't really look at it.

I remember horrible things that happened to me at every age.

So I don't.

Oh, man.

Well, you know what?

Yeah.

It's good.

I'm glad that we.

I thought it's good.

Your damage is going to pay off.

What about you, Brian?

For me, it was like moments before I was handed a picture that said wild ass.

You can't believe you cannot put the blame on me for why you're not.

He's like, I thought this guy was vanilla.

He's chocolate.

No,

I was probably around the same age.

Nine?

Maybe eight, somewhere in there.

Eight years old.

You're

like, that's when you

like third grade.

I remember third grade cursing and getting in trouble for it.

My fucking goody two-shoes fucking neighbor ratted on me.

She was a teenager, too.

And she's like, I heard Brian at the

saw me at the beach, and I was cursing, and she ran home and told fucking Edgar.

So that would have been third grade.

I would have been like eight.

And you're cursing at eight, huh?

Yeah.

I would have brought you to a psychiatrist then.

Oh, yeah.

My parents totally fucked up.

There's no doubt about it.

No one's all your eyes.

You're sitting down at the beach by by yourself just cursing,

I would have been like, I mean, eight years old, that's alarming, right?

That's like Tourette's.

I mean, yeah, I mean, not diagnosed formally, but

I wasn't like,

I'm just sure I was like, I learned a new curse word.

And

probably like seven, probably seven.

Or did you shy away from the big curse words?

Oh, no.

I went for it.

I went for the big words.

That's what she went back and was like, hey, guess what he said?

No, I mean, like saying, as a kid, like, did you, were there levels of like, well,

I'll say shit, but I won't say the F word because I know the F word's the worst word.

No.

There was no distinction.

No distinction.

No.

I don't know.

I'm not sure if there's games for you guys.

I don't think you've ever had unpolluted minds.

Yeah, and I'm not sure I have.

Like, if Sage, like if we're listening to music and Sage hears like a curse, like if she hears bitch, her eyes light up and she like looks at me like it's like she goes, they said a bad word.

And I'm like, they did say a bad word, but she thinks it's funny.

But there's a certain level of innocence to that.

Yeah.

That's so adorable.

Right.

She's not down at the beach by herself.

And that's what

I think.

And now.

Fuck life, punching seagulls.

Get over here.

Fuck you.

Fuck.

What's up for God?

face.

Seagulls are looking at me like, what the fuck, bro?

You think we should bring in a psychiatrist?

I don't know.

That's a lot of money.

That's what I did.

I was six when I was doing that.

I was wondering what took him so long.

I thought it was wrong and I thought he was.

He was from a special edge.

I thought he was light in the pants.

I check all the time just to make sure it's still there.

This kid.

Someday he'll balls like your old man.

I'm like, cool.

Then I've been onto the beach and cursed myself to sleep

on a beach.

You fucking wake up as a fucking tide's coming over your ankles, like crabs nipping at you.

Like, who cares?

Just waiting for the sea to sweep me away.

I can't do anything right.

Fuck you, low tide.

You guys are ruining the school.

Looking up at the moon.

This is your fault.

Because this was the first game that I fell up

that is not, that can be played and adored by the general public because it is so adorable

and so cute.

Sorry.

I think, Q, this has potential to bring this to Simmi because.

I'm doing shit on his desk.

Well, we'll cut that out.

But I think

this one's got the potential to be huge because it

what does it what does America love to watch?

Kids being cute, right?

Yeah.

And animals.

And animals.

Well, animals can't talk yet.

Hitler fucked up.

So this game is.

You're going to hear

a male child and a female child

describe something.

You guys have to guess at what it is.

You have to think like a kid.

It's called From the Mouths of Babes.

Babes with a Z.

I pray.

I can't take it.

You're not thinking like children, though.

Oh, God, I'm done.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you keep score and everything.

I'm going to keep score, and

this will be a trial run.

And

if it

is received like I think it's going to be, we could turn this into

a big game for

Telum C.

They won't even have to have our name attached to it.

I think we could sell this

with none of the baggage that comes with us.

It's that strong a concept.

Okay.

I submitted by anonymous

and Allie Smithy.

So let's you want to do a practice one first just to get the idea of how you play the game.

So who wants to go first?

I'll go first.

I'll give it a shot.

Okay.

Okay.

Suicide.

Sleep on the path.

Nobody cares.

What's that kid doing?

I don't know.

Drowning really slowly.

Why is he cursing so much?

This fucking seagull's just watching him.

Curious.

Okay,

who's going first?

Bri, are you going first?

Yeah.

Okay, so now you're going to get to hear what we would rather hear.

The voice, the description of a male child or a female child this is a male child or a female child describing something yeah and then if you don't get it you can get you you can take a guess based off the soundbite of what what he's describing or she's describing and then if you don't get it right then q gets to hear the opposite the other the other person so he gets an additional okay and if he gets it then he gets a point

okay i'm gonna i'm gonna go with the girl you're gonna go with a girl first

um i like little girls better little boys it's always a dick measuring contest.

They're always fucking challenging your position in authority.

Are they?

Well, the neighborhood kids do it all the time to me.

Hey, this isn't your garage.

Oh, fuck.

What's the matter?

He threw me because

I thought he was going to say boy.

You know what?

You're going to have to take the child.

You're going to have to get the boy first because

then while I'm listening to it, I'll find the other.

Okay.

This is how we have to fetch it.

10 minutes of scrolling and like, fuck it.

This is the trial or this is the, this is the, just to figure out how to play.

Okay.

Okay.

So here, listen to this.

This is

a,

I think, 11-year-old boy from New Jersey.

An extinct being

that

is the main reason for fossils.

I mean, I'm going to guess dinosaur.

Correct.

Oh, look at me.

There you go.

I'm on fire.

Right?

How probable is that?

Well, it gets harder, though.

That was the.

I was going to say, I hope that's entry-level.

Jesus Christ.

What?

I bring you fucking hard games and you fucking get pissy.

No, you bring us impossible games and we get pissy.

And then I bring you something really doped down and you're like, oh, that's too easy.

For the dummies.

All right, Q.

So now you're going to go first.

Okay.

Just don't have a preference as to male or female.

Yeah.

Cut all this out, Deck.

All this fucking dead air.

It's ruining the mood.

It's ruining the mood of the game.

Yeah, the momentum has to be like, all right.

Oh, maybe Steve Harvey would host this game.

He has a show with kids.

Does he?

Yeah.

He may need to

work on his image, and this would be the perfect

from the mouths of babes.

This is like an old Alan Funt bit that you guys developed, right?

No.

What are you talking about?

Cannon Cameron?

They were coming up with it.

We came up with it.

You know, we saw it on Kenny Cameron and then we came up with it.

Can a camera, we don't watch Kennedy Cameron.

Oh, I'm sorry, I was talking to Quinn.

Whatever.

Oh, my God.

Keep talking.

Well, I could talk about nature

on Miundis if you really want to.

While we're waiting for Walt to do that, Q, you and I will talk about this because if there's anything we love doing, it's elevating our underwear game.

Oh, yeah.

And the only way you're going to take it to the next level is with meundies,

which I got to tell you, like when I was doing those hikes and shit,

you got to wear meundis.

Comfortable.

Yeah, and otherwise, like your thighs, like they rub together and shit.

You know, I mean, if you're a fatty, they do anyway.

And Miundis, like, they got that model or modal or whatever, cotton.

And it just, like.

It's fucking sweet.

It's like you're lubed up and oiled and ready to go.

Like, wearing like oily underpants.

Yeah.

Like something that feels like, now I've never felt it, but I got to imagine that it it feels like Mal Monroe's lips, like it just cradles.

These little pillows.

Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, who's heading into a game with kids?

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Kids' panties.

It's the first thing you put on and the last thing you take off.

It's your underwear.

Make sure that the most important piece of clothing, important piece of clothing is the best it can be with meundies.

They're designed in L.A., not in, you know, some Midwest place.

Not in India.

No, not in India.

Right.

Sustainably sourced micromedal, a fabric three times softer than cotton.

I wish I invented that shit.

I'll give you a true testimony.

You give a Miyundi's anecdote?

Yeah, I didn't shower for three days this week.

Okay.

And I wore, well, two and a half days, I guess, technically.

And I wore the same pair of...

I was boasting.

Yeah.

Yeah, I wore the same pair of Miyundis for those 70-something hours.

They don't let up, right?

They keep their form.

They didn't complain?

Nope.

They didn't, they just, they were like, they don't get baggy or loose or anything.

They're like, let's roll with this.

This motherfucker, for some reason, has decided not to.

Motherfucker, we can go as long as you can.

Yeah.

They are lasting me.

In the end.

Miundis won.

Miundis won.

I had to remove them.

You can save time and money each month with a monthly subscription.

And if you're not ready for a subscription, that's okay.

You can still save because Miundis is offering you 20% off your first pair.

Look, let's not kid ourselves these things are kind of expensive for a pair of underwear you look at a pair of underwear and you're like you get a three pack for like eight bucks at walmart oh yeah if you want that bullshit but they suck yeah it's like they're made out of burlap this shit's more expensive but it's gonna last a long time it's an investment in yourself are you not worth a fucking decent pair of underwear do you think that little of yourself that that you're like oh my god i'm only worth these fucking shitty fucking tidy white you gotta love yourself before other people could love you yeah and that starts what's the first thing you're supposed to love as a guy you love your junk fucking love my junk.

And I love my junk in the trunk.

I love it.

You wish it looked different, though.

Do you ever think that when you're little?

That it's kind of gross.

No, I never had that problem.

I was going to say, I wish mine looked more like a black guy's than mine.

I thought that's what you mean.

Like it went like it's a little bit more like it's kind of

like, so like maybe it's just looked a little bit more like I don't know.

Just look different.

No.

No?

Okay.

Why did you?

Because that sounds like a problem.

Like when you go to a Chinese restaurant.

Do you ever attempt to just cut it off'cause you hate what the light looks like?

Start referring to yourself as they or something.

No.

Come on, child's play.

Let's go to

the mouth of baits.

Okay, hold on.

Meanis.com slash T-E-S-D, 20% off your first pair.

Like you said, testimonial.

I recommend this.

These are pretty good.

Guys and gals.

I haven't tried the women's one yet, but you're missing out.

I'll get to it.

I'll get to it.

You got to keep it fresh.

You know what I'm saying?

I haven't gotten to the try on a women's underwear phrase of my sex career yet, but it's coming.

It's a long and winding road, bro.

You got to try it all before you thigh.

What do you got, Walt?

Are we ready?

Done?

Yep.

Okay, Q, you're up.

You're going to listen to

this 14-year-old female from New Jersey.

They're a group of people who have powers and help people.

Examples are like

Superman or something, and like

Iron Man,

Spider-Man, maybe

just talking about superheroes or combo characters?

No.

Okay.

Think like a child.

More specifically, think like Alicia.

Hey, Bro, you ready for this 11-year-old from New Jersey boy?

Yes, I am.

I always am.

A group of

talented

individuals devoted to save the world.

Well, judging from that and what Alicia said, I'm going to say Avengers.

Correct.

The Avengers.

Oh, I beat the comic book guy over here.

Oh, look, his eyes are twitching.

His eyes are darting back to you.

Superman's not even in the same fucking universe as the Avengers.

And that's because you don't think like a child.

I guess so.

Because

you're so into your adult continuity.

And like Superman could never be in the Avengers because he's not a Marvel character.

You've lost the childlike ability to be wrong.

You're right.

I see it.

Let me ask you something.

If I had said X-Men,

would that answer?

You would have been just as right.

Would that have been right?

Or would I have the

no, because the answer was the Avengers.

Got it.

Okay.

Even though the question.

Got it.

I already know where we're on here.

I already know.

Got it.

Already.

He got one wrong.

And this is why I get the email saying that.

He's getting trounced.

All right.

But I like the passion, though.

I'm just trying to figure it out.

Got it.

You got to not think so literally.

You're right.

Not as

unilaterally or as dyslexia.

Correct.

But just a different way.

Yeah, it's not as hard as dyslexia.

But my only question, I'm not arguing.

Okay.

I'm just asking for clarification.

Is the answer could have just as easily been X-Men?

Sure.

But it wasn't.

Got it.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

You're up.

It definitely wasn't comic book characters.

All right, Brian.

You're up.

What would you like?

Said superheroes.

What would you like?

The female description or the male description?

I'll go female.

Unless it's going to take 15 minutes.

No, no, no.

It's not going to take that long.

Okay.

They bomb people.

I think.

I don't know.

They're not allowed to talk about that in school.

Talk about like Hillary or Trump.

They're not allowed to talk about stuff like that.

They're people that do,

I don't know, bad things, I guess.

Terrorists.

Come on.

I would love to give that to you.

Muslims.

Yeah, I'm going to give it to you.

It was

Islamic fundamentalists.

Really?

Yep.

That's the, but now, like, that's a child saying that, though.

It's not correct, but that's the child's perception of what it is.

It's kind of like an insight into

what we're feeding our kids.

What was the answer?

Islamic fundamentalist.

But that's not a Muslim.

Muslim terrorist.

Which is not the same as a Muslim, Q.

You just said Muslim.

Jump on to the, you got to get to the 14-year-old level like me.

No, the answer.

Was Islamic terrorists, right?

No.

Islamic fundamentalists.

Islamic fundamentalist.

The answer is Islamic fundamentalists.

He says Muslims.

That's not correct.

Didn't you say what'd you say?

He said Muslims.

I said terrorists.

And then I said Muslim.

I shouldn't have given that to him.

You can't give that to him.

I have to take that from him.

In what world is that?

That's fucking the game showed.

I actually have to penalize you and we're back to 0-0.

You still got your point, Brian.

You know what?

I was excited because this was my first teaching moment of the game.

Gotcha.

Got it.

That, like,

this is from the real mouths of babes.

I will say this, just that, just that I would have gotten it wrong.

So it's not like

I'm not arguing

yet.

So you don't know.

Well, now we already know the answer, but I wouldn't have gotten it right.

But like, I think it's like, it's almost also like, like, if you're at home watching and you're like, you hear, you hear a child say that on TV, you may be like, hey, does my kid think,

was my kid think that same way?

And if he did, maybe I should teach him, you know, or

like.

Well, you're going going to have to, because she's like, we're not allowed to talk about it in school.

We're not allowed to talk about Islamic fundamentalism.

But she was wrong, though.

She was wrong, right?

In her description, that's not what an Islamic fundamentalist is not going to.

But that's what I'm saying.

Like, the mess that.

I don't know what she was talking about.

She mentioned Trump and Hillary.

Hold on.

I'll play it again.

They bomb people.

I don't know.

They're not allowed to talk about that in school.

Talk about, like, Hillary or Trump.

They're not allowed to talk about stuff like that.

The people that do,

I don't know, bad things, I guess.

See, and that's what I'm saying.

That this is

that's not a really an accurate description of what that definition, right?

I got you.

It's good.

Right?

But like I said, that's not a textbook definition.

Yeah, that's not exactly what you're asking.

But it's also like it makes you at home.

If you're a parent and you're watching this show and

a child comes on and describes that, you'd be like, wow.

if that's what.

What fucking show is this?

They're talking about Islamic fundamentalism on a kid's game show with a Z?

This is not what I expected.

But, like, you're, but you're saying to yourself, like, well,

if that kid on TV thinks that that's what an Islamic fundamentalist is, I want to make sure.

So you want to start some conversations.

Okay.

Definitely.

That's what I, that's it.

That's exactly where

a dialogue starter as well as fun game show.

All right, okay.

All right, my turn.

Yeah.

I would like fun and fundamental.

I would like a boy, please.

You would like a boy.

Yes.

Yeah, could be that be the clip.

Oh, it definitely is.

Okay.

That and us with all doing to rest.

All right, you ready?

Yeah.

Something that is used to exterminate rats and

emo people.

And emo people?

Who got this?

It's not important.

I don't want to give names.

That's why I don't want anybody to hate on the children playing it.

They have to be,

their identities have to be hidden.

Because

they're bearing your souls for us.

So these kids are not on TV then.

What?

On the show, they're not going to be shown?

Well, on TV, they'll have to be.

They're going to have to sign a waiver.

Because America wants to see cute kids talk

and say these things that are ignorant.

All right, stop selling the game.

Let's play the game.

I like it, though.

He's practicing.

He's fine-tuning his pitch.

All right, so it's used to kill rats and emo people.

Yeah, that was weird at the end there.

Hold on.

Something that is used to exterminate rats and

emo people.

Poison.

From the mouths of babes.

Poison.

To the mouths.

of...

How old do you know?

41.

A 41-year-old child who sits at the table right now.

It's poison.

Nice.

No, is he talking about the band?

That's what I thought.

I have no idea.

That's what's so great.

Because you can't feel bad.

You can't be emo when poison's blasting.

No.

No.

You've got to fucking show your tits and rock out.

It's funny.

Yeah, I mean, it is.

Don't get better than this.

No, it does not.

Even an emo has to be like, all right, this is it.

But that's the beauty of the game.

They can go say something so out of left field and throw it.

And you've got to think like a kid in the playground again.

Cool.

I'm in.

All right, one and one.

Yeah.

You ready, Brian?

I'm ready.

What do you want?

I'll take the girl because I never would have gotten poisoned from it.

I was going to say trap, but that made no sense.

Okay.

Well,

is that putting pretty good?

I don't think that's what the

email thing was.

Okay.

Female from New Jersey.

Kids play with these.

Usually girls, but sometimes the boys.

You can dress them up and you can pl play with them and, like,

that's a bad editing.

I get him part right there.

Cut her off.

I mean, my mind leaps to doll.

Okay.

Not the right answer.

So I don't get it.

All right.

Now, Q, here's the fun part comes in.

Now you get the second description.

Right.

I love this.

A doll

made

by a

company

that was very famous.

Barbie doll?

Barbie doll.

Oh, yeah.

Look at him.

He's getting younger before eyes.

Oh, my God.

My gray hair's got a.

It's like we're playing kick the kid on a Twilight Zone episode.

Oh, man.

Where'd you get that lollipop from?

He's got those long white socks and the crouch

shorts on.

All right.

Barbie doll.

All right, Q.

You're up.

What if you like?

Let's go a boy.

I seem to be getting the male perspective on things.

Yeah, man.

You're tearing it up.

You're a little bit, man.

A form of labor given to you by your guardians.

Chores.

Chores.

He's on fire.

Yeah, bitch.

In the face.

What along with your child?

Yeah, but I'm a teenage child now.

I'm lording it over me.

Every time you get a correct answer, you look a little bit younger.

Oh, Jesus.

I got to wait till he's like down to five or four so he's not so fucking arrogant when he gets the right answer.

I never get any of these things right.

It feels good, right?

Yeah, it does.

What would you like?

The girl's been.

I mean, I'll take the boy.

I guess.

Okay, you're.

So, Hawaiiany little privileged bitch who tries to make the world a better place but ends up just

ruining it for everyone.

Don't say Chris Ladondo.

Do you want to hear it again?

Do not.

I'm glad you stopped me.

Yeah, because I knew I soared on your lips.

Do you want to hear it again before you answer?

Because maybe it was quick.

If I played it twice for Q, I'll play it twice for Q.

So, a whiny little privileged bitch who tries to make the world a better place but ends up just

ruining it for everyone.

I want to say it so bad.

Don't say it.

It won't be the right answer.

This kid does not know Crystal Donald.

This kid just delivered the textbook definition of millennial.

So I'm hoping that's what it is.

A millennial.

Yeah.

Oh, good lord.

Okay.

Q, you're going to get the female description now.

Love this.

A person who is usually very over-dramatic about everything.

Doesn't make a lot of sense.

And

they usually, I don't know, they're annoying.

Only opinion that matters is their own.

Yeah, I'm going to say a social justice warrior.

Get him a diaper.

He said not to say Chris Ledondo.

Social justice warrior.

Oh, I do like the next generation.

It's a social justice warrior, though.

Yeah, I mean, they come off more as angry than whiny.

You got to think like a child.

You think like a child.

You're thinking like a 50-year-old man.

Yeah, you got to think about it.

So a year older than I actually am.

All right.

I'm actually aging.

Q is getting younger.

Yeah, your back is arching.

You're getting that old man curve in your back.

Q.

He's Benjamin Button over here.

He's going with the opposite of puberty.

His balls balls are for the past.

They're like glass.

Listen, Daisy, I just shit my pants.

I need you to.

That diaper play I was talking about.

I knew it.

I won the game.

And I made a boom, boom.

You want to go for another one, Q?

You would go.

It's Bride's turn now, right?

Oh, it is my turn.

It is your turn, yeah.

Yeah, what would you do?

You're uncrushed.

We'll go with the guy.

Go with the guy again.

A tiny human being.

I can't believe that you can't get it from that.

Well, I'm just trying to think of what you're like, what do I say?

Door for Midget.

Yeah, basically, like how a child would say it.

A baby.

A tiny human being.

A munchkin.

A munchkin.

Yeah.

I want to give you that point just because that is a fucking childlike answer.

In spirit, I got it.

It's so fun.

You had that look on your face like, ah, munchkin.

Munchkin.

I I'm going to say Mushkin.

Huh?

I said, now I'm getting into the game and it's that I'm fucking getting ripped off.

Mulshkin.

Yeah, Mushkin.

Mushkin.

I'm going to say Mushkin.

Is it a Mushkin?

It's got to be.

Mushkin.

It's not Mushkin.

I am doing what you asked me to.

I thought maybe it was Christmas at somebody Jeff's house.

We had all popped in Wizard of Oz.

It's not much.

Like I said, but I love that you went with an answer that was childlike, though.

I love that.

It wasn't the right answer, but you are playing, you are getting the game.

Thank you.

Definitely playing it the right way.

Okay, Bri, you need this one.

But isn't playing it the right way to get the answer?

No, but it's also about

having a child.

It's not about winning and losing.

I'm trying to start a dialogue about mushkins.

No, I will listen.

It's about recapturing something that's been lost for a long time.

Your youth and your ability to think like a child.

Joy.

All right, you ready for

the female version of this, Bry?

Sure.

These are people who are

shorter than the average person.

See, if I just heard yours, I might have went with baby, but I hear this, and I'm going to say, hmm.

Are they more likely to say midget or dwarf?

Because there's dwarves on TV.

You don't see a lot of midgets.

You want my help on this?

Yeah, which one would you say?

You're talking about a new era, dude.

They're going to say little people.

They're not going to say little people.

They're not dropping slurs.

These are children.

Is it a slur?

Midget?

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves?

They're not saying Snow White and the Seven Didswriters.

Dwarf, they might say.

They're not saying midgets.

No, but kids aren't saying midgets today.

Huh.

So you say little people, huh?

Or little person?

I got this one wrong, so you got to follow your own heart.

I said mushkins.

mushkins.

Barely.

Yeah.

I mean, I tried.

I gave it a shot, and it didn't quite work out.

Yeah,

okay, I'll go with a little, little person.

I want to say dwarf.

You shouldn't have let, you see,

you let your adult friend think like an adult.

The word was midget.

It was midget.

Wow.

It was midget.

Give him the point.

I talked about it that way.

You can't give it to him.

Really?

In all fairness, I would have said dwarf.

He allowed himself to think like an adult and ask for help.

Right.

You're right.

You're right.

He should have just.

Should have just put my head down and plowed through, yeah, and been like, midget.

Again, no,

we picked words that sometimes can be.

You're right.

That can be a little

on the fence of like, they're not.

the most comfortable words, but let's not always worry about what's comfortable because, like I said, it could start a dialogue.

Well, what's the word?

Hold on one second.

I I can't wait to the next description.

Wait, wait.

No, the problem is in the kids.

The problem is in the person who said to the kids, describe a midget.

Like, what's that?

Yeah, exactly.

You could have said, describe the little person.

You picked midget.

So the problem here is not kids.

The problem is you.

No, it's not.

It's you.

What's the word midget?

No.

You could have said midget.

I mean, little person.

You've got to pick words that will make some people uncomfortable.

You got to, or else the game's not fun.

It's not fun if you're only.

It becomes

a lot of people.

No, we've got to.

You got to drop their ears in Vietnam.

It starts with a G.

No.

If you don't use some words that

are going to bring some conversation to the table, then you're losing the

teaching aspect of it.

Yeah, but if you had picked little person, like I was going to pick, I mean, I wouldn't do it because it's too hot button, but on TV, if they want to use some racial slurs,

as they will do on family game shows, now describe Ching Chong Chinaman.

No, you should have said little person, and then when Brian said midget, then it would have been a scandal worth talking about.

Right now, they're like, what an asshole.

Yeah, right now you're the asshole because you picked midget.

No, because then when, and then when

you bring up midget just to tell the kids, don't say midget.

No, no.

Because then you're like, if you, if this was on television and we had a real host and we had an audience and we had viewerships to worry about, and the parents at home would be like,

hey, kids, come in.

If you know, I want you to watch this.

Sit down.

Right.

This is a word.

I don't know how you feel about this word, but if you're using it, I want you to stop.

Kids are like, this show is no fun for me.

This This show sucks.

You ever say midget, son?

I mean, not that.

What's a midget?

All right.

Oh, you get it?

We don't need to talk about this anymore.

Just backs out of the room.

Go to your room.

You're grounded.

You just fucked up.

Now you're not seeing the potential.

I am.

I am.

I'm saying in that instance,

the answer shouldn't have been midget.

It absolutely should be because

that's the only way to get an uncomfortable topic out of the middle of the moment.

No, he would have said

the leap at like midget.

And then it's like, no, it's little person.

And then

they turn to the dad and then or the mom and they're like, whoa, Midget's not cool.

And they're like, well, as a matter of fact, it's not.

Let's fucking talk about this.

Pause the fucking DVR.

You know, this fucking 22-minute show just turned into four hours.

Mostly me fucking lecturing myself.

It's good.

It's solid, but you got to be able to take a note, Walt.

You can't fucking.

I mean, Jesus Christ.

It's like, you know, I could have the smallest note.

And he's like, fuck you.

He's like Mozart.

Like, it's already finished in his head.

And it's like, anything that deviates from that is like

a petulant child.

I mean, I hate to sound like Simmi, but

one note.

One note.

All right.

You know, from coming from you?

Yeah.

An experienced team song and dance man.

Okay.

Who's up?

Brian.

Brian.

Female.

Yeah, I'll take the female.

Again,

14-year-old New Jersey girl.

These are people who are crazy who kill people.

Serial killer.

Boom.

Yes.

There you go.

Go back to my six-year-old self.

Son of Sam, I remember the day they caught him.

Saddest day in my childhood.

Yeah, I'm like, so no more?

Mommy?

Over?

You're going to have to find another serial killer to look up to.

Son of Sam is over with.

Nice.

Nice work, Ry.

Well done.

Thank you.

It's close now.

It's right back to anybody's game.

Two to four.

Yeah.

All right.

We got it.

What do you got, Q?

Mail.

I'll take mail again.

Okay.

Something that an infant wears before they are trained to

use

the toilet.

Say diaper?

Of course you are.

Why wouldn't you?

Fucking fecal freak.

Motherfucker.

Okay.

Pay one woman to shit on your chest, and then we'll fucking hear the end of it.

Yeah, it follows you for life.

What do you got, Brian?

I'll stick with the girl.

Stick with the girl.

Yeah.

Okay.

Like, afterlife, opposite of hell, is this.

All good people go to blank.

All right, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say heaven.

Yes.

Again,

you put this in.

It starts a good conversation, started about talking about God and

how kids are.

I remember that when Pam was like, everyone else, anyone who's a Methodist is going to hell.

And I'm like, oh, you don't say.

I remember that conversation.

But it's something that needs to be spoke about.

You know,

you bring him in.

Do you believe or you not believe?

Like, why is what's the reasons why you don't?

What's the reasons why you do?

What do we got to do different to change the outlook here?

Get some faith.

If you're good, you go to heaven.

Bad.

No heaven.

No heaven.

Okay.

More?

Let's go a couple more, Kio.

Yeah, sure.

Boy again, please.

Boy again.

Oh, that's male heaven.

Fighting to stay alive here.

How do you see yourself, Q?

What age are you at right now with these answers?

You got five right.

Yeah, I know.

I'm going to take off five years for every right answer.

Right?

Okay.

That sounds fair.

I think that's fair counting.

So, 25

years off.

Oh, boy.

I remember 25-year-old Q.

No, no, 25 years off.

15.

Oh, you're 15?

Yeah, you're jerking.

25-year-old me was.

He was a handful.

He was angry.

He was alcoholic.

He was unemployable.

It was a lot cooked.

But man, he looked good.

He was a good-looking guy.

He looked fine.

He was a good-looking guy.

Too many head turns.

Whiplash?

Wow, that's it.

That's it?

No, that's not it.

Okay.

This could be an error.

Okay, bro.

You got the female.

Okay.

Their TV shows,

and

usually it's suggests their main audience is like older women, right?

That's the only film I know watch them with, like, mom.

And they're dramatic, very over-dramatic.

Any number of housewives of Beverly Hills or Atlanta or New York or New Jersey?

I see the

guess,

even though I won't care.

Golden Girls?

No.

I think someone over there knows what it is.

Soap opera?

It is soap opera.

Oh.

Too many head turns.

Oh, I should have known that.

Debbie's really in the soap operas.

Very good.

Wow.

I'll change this diapern.

I've soiled myself.

Is there any more here?

Second floor, first voice.

Daisy!

I piddled.

Too many head turns.

What the fuck?

I don't know what that was.

Why did that make you?

Oh, I got one.

Here we go.

Last one, Question, like, which it's Brian's turn.

Okay, who do you want?

I'll take

unnamed girls.

So he can't catch it.

I can't wait.

Again, this was just

an exhibition.

Yeah, this is a proving, proving to see just to see if people dig it or not.

You ready, Brian?

Who do you want?

I'll take the unnamed female.

Unnamed female.

Always taking the one that I don't have ready.

It's your fault.

I fucked up.

Okay, you ready?

We're going out on a high note.

I won't say anymore, but this one is

definitely.

Like,

this is a barn burner.

I would welcome this, introducing this because it's a...

It's a barn burner.

No, but it's like...

That's what you weren't going to say anymore.

Except for this.

Someone who hates on someone,

usually on social media for no reason.

This is a troll.

This is my wheelhouse as well.

An internet troll.

Yeah.

That's what it was.

All right.

Again, like that would be something you'd call all the kids in and be like, are you doing this online?

Because I am.

Do you want to join me?

I'm going to log into my third Twitter account here.

Look how fucking pissed she got.

She's actually angry.

She thinks it's real.

Even better, she thinks it's not.

She knows it's not real.

But she's still getting angry.

Where are you guys going?

Get back here, you midgets.

But you could be like, all right, if you're doing this, if you're partaking in this kind of activity,

don't.

It's not

cruel.

Who are they trolling, though?

They're friends.

They do it all the time.

Oh, yeah?

You see your girls trolling people?

My girls tell me all the time that they're,

you know, how vicious it is on the internet for them.

They get trolled.

Oh, is it really?

They're friends, you you know.

Like, they talk bad.

Like, you know.

Are they ball-busting?

Like, friends?

No.

Nobody's really bullying them.

It's like, oh, if you take a friend, you take, you go to a friend to see something, right?

A movie and you text about it.

Then the other friends see it and they're not for not, oh, you didn't invite me.

And now I'll write this, and I'll do this, and I'll do this, and I'll troll this, and I'll troll that.

And it's awful.

Yeah, it doesn't sound great.

No, it's harsh.

Have you seen some of the comments?

It's just basically.

Of course I wrote them.

It says very cruel and vicious, like

something you would never say in real life.

That's why we didn't have these issues when we went to school because you had to say something to somebody's face or you said it behind their back and it got to them right away.

Where it's like they write something about somebody and that person goes like, holy shit, there it is.

Like almost on a bathroom wall that everybody sees.

There's a bathroom wall that, you know, that you don't have to go into the bathroom to see.

I remember getting trolled for a good time, Colbry.

That's how we met.

So, what do you think?

I like it.

You like it?

Yeah.

I think it's strong.

I think it's got legs.

I think it could actually work.

Take all the nonsense that we injected into it.

You just play it straight.

I think it's a game show that would touch hearts.

I'll get Simmy in here.

I'll get Simmon here.

And I think it could be.

And Billy Eichner sitting outside with a

tell him Sneak Dave.

I'm kind of fucked up.

Everyone is going to die.

You're gonna kill yourself.

You're gonna kill yourself.

You're gonna kill yourself.

Sometimes you just gotta sit there and be a Chris.

You fucking Satan.

Knocks yourself righteous Satan.

And I say,

the fucking.

Saboteur!

Saboteur!

I've been killing you for real.

This game, the game is over.

I'm really going to shoot you.

Yeah, we'll talk more about it instead of the worst.

The worst, I hate it.

You're the worst, babe.

Looking at your face.

Smash this pair of fucking mor eyes.

People I can barely fucking tolerate with gold.

I go away from the people.

I don't go near people.

I don't shit shit.

Wipes off the face of your familiar.

The man is an idiot.

I can't figure out why I wanna be alive.

Yet I'm afraid of dying.

I can't figure out why I wanna

Okay, you know what?

I made a mistake.

Damn, it's capping you.

Take it.

Well, you know what?

There is something wrong with everybody in here.

Because we have lost a member of our family, and if you don't want to talk about it,

you don't want to think about it, you just want to get back to work.

Shut the fuck up.

There are five statements to it.

I'll kill us both.

I swear to God, OLR.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

And right now, out there, they are all denying the fact because they're sad.

And that's hard.

And it's making them all angry.

And it is my job to try to get them all the way through to acceptance.

And if not acceptance, then just compression.

If I can get them to press, then I'll have that much.

I don't like that at all.

Me coming in for the kill.

I'm surrounded by some death.

That is hurts very much.

Chicken soup fresh soup.

What?

Um, euthanize this place.

I want these people to really pay pay all of them.

I'd prefer that they died.

So it's not great.

Round of applause

if you are caught in a web of lies so intricate

that one small mistake and your life comes down like a house of cards.

Round of applause.

Round of applause.

Yeah, but what about dying?

When you see dying, I'm usually covered in blood.

Dying, yaing, ying, when you see see dying.

I have no idea why.

Yes, and you are my fucking Satan.

I think a time has come in this country.

I think things,

you know, have gotten so bad.

I think they're done to get worse.

I think we should close down the comedy clubs and open up stand-up tragedy clubs.

Get the pills.

Put the pills in the will, Mom and Dad.

Give the house to a white tower or I don't give a shit.

Put the pills in the will.

I want the pill.

round of applause.

If the anxiety is so much, I'm not looking.

I mean, it's just so fucking my fucking useful.

You ever get frustrated, man?

All the time.

How do you relax?

It's hilarious to me.

You're just gonna keep stressing till you pop.

That's one way to do it, man.

Get you to heaven.

Never seen it get me cool.

But yeah, it's hard, man.

It's hard for these guys.

Not good at it man.

Who gives a fuck

like my whole head just turns into like a haunted house?

Why aren't I loved by everyone?

Fuck you!

Why not?

Definitely gonna die!

Definitely gonna die!

Definitely gonna die!

I say, bring on death!

You're lucky to see me.

You really are.

You people mean the world to me.

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