#331: Is there a Doctor in the house?

You were the first one that's like, hey man, words hurt, dude.

Words hurt, dude.

Now, he meant space aliens, not illegal aliens, right?

Tell them, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em Steve Dave with Walt, with me, and not with Gidem, but with

another guest,

a scholarly guest.

Some might say the

shining jewel in the crown that is the Johnson family.

In fact, probably everybody would say it.

I don't know anybody who wouldn't say it.

My brother, Eric, Dr.

What do we call him?

Dr.

Johnson, Mr.

Yeah, Dr.

Jay, Mr.

Fucking Cool,

Mr.

Oh, I went to college.

Look at me.

Does your mother favor you?

Does she talk about you the most?

I think to some people, but I don't.

To different folk.

You know, it really depends.

She talks to drug counselors a lot about me.

Are you the first one she mentions?

I mean, it would be understandable.

Well, my mom was.

She's a nurse.

So there's something about becoming a doctor in the whole world of medicine, I think.

Yeah, I never thought about it.

Is that the reason you did it, just to one-up her?

Yeah, yeah, I was trying to put her in her place.

No, not at all.

I mean,

I never even thought about it until I was older.

So what, doctor?

Yeah.

What are you a doctor of?

So I'm a DO, so I'm an osteopathic doctor.

That's like kind of the D-rated.

No, no, I'm kidding.

Oh, really?

So there's not even a house?

No, you can get an MD or a DO, and you can have a full medical license.

So I'm a psychiatrist.

You're a psychiatrist.

Yeah, he's going to break it down for me.

It's my third-year residency.

Did you do your thesis on your brother?

Was that your.

We don't have to do papers, but yeah, I mean, we definitely could do one more.

Like,

I mean, it doesn't have to stop at him.

It could be about genetics and mental illness in my family.

Yeah, just like going all the way back to the Stone Age and shit.

Going back to the first Johnson that crawled out of the ewes.

Yeah.

Primordial Johnson that's that's like, oh fuck, I hate myself.

Proto-Zohan Johnson, idiot.

Yeah, I mean,

he's the only one, really, out of the four.

You know, you got the brother Darren.

He's younger than Eric, sister Tracy, who's between me and Eric.

And you're really the only one who, well, you're the only one who went to college in any kind of real way.

Graduated college, and then had like some sort of goal, which was to

leave the house i guess yeah well

how age did you know you wanted to be a doctor

um

well i guess i i i didn't even think about it at all until i was probably about 23 24 so after college and then i went back to college yeah like you went okay so you you went to rutgers then you

Then you moved to San Francisco, which was highly suspect.

The whole Johnson family go like, uh-oh.

He was like blacklisted for Hollywood for years.

He brought a girl with him just to make it seem like, you know, oh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

When I was in San Francisco, I worked at a free medical clinic, and then I met people that were becoming doctors, and they didn't really seem that smart.

So I was like, I could probably do this.

That sounds like a Johnson.

That sounds like Darren.

Yeah.

Oh, they're good enough.

Everybody measuring up everybody like a Terminator.

Does this person pose a threat?

Am I better than this person?

Of course I'm better than this person.

Why am I even asking my Terminator self this question?

No, I mean, it just seems so like you, I don't know.

To me, it just seemed unobtainable when I was a kid.

Like, oh, you have to be, like, get straight A's all through high school.

You can't ever mess up in life.

You can never.

Did you not get straight A's in high school?

I did pretty well.

Yeah, I almost got straight A's probably, but

in college, I didn't.

My first degree, I didn't really do that great.

I mean, I probably got like a 3.5 or something.

It wasn't.

What a dummy.

Yeah.

Who's the guy's bigger IQ?

Because your brother over here loves.

Yeah, I know.

I've heard.

I've heard on several episodes.

Something we haven't talked about in quite some time.

I mean, by that, I mean, 10 minutes.

We've got a couple episodes that I'm mentioning my IQ.

I mean,

what's the point of doing this podcast if we're not going to talk about it?

Who's got the bigger

Johnson?

I mean,

yeah.

I've never had my IQ measured, actually.

I've never.

You've never had it.

You never got it measured, huh?

You know who says that?

People that reveal that they're like average.

Yeah.

People that didn't have to see psychologists in high school.

Yeah.

I mean, you think about it, like everybody that, like,

every generation

that comes after the one before is at an advantage.

Like, I remember, like, barely remember talk of Ritalin when I was young and Pam being like, no, he's not going on medicine.

I'm not putting him on medication, which may have been helpful.

At the time, you know.

To who?

About me?

No, me.

Oh.

Yeah.

But then, like, it's, it's just become more acceptable.

Well, to the point where it's over-prescribed, but it's become more acceptable to be like, okay, well, this is not just somebody being bad or defiant or whatever.

Like maybe they actually like have a hard time paying attention.

I'm a victim is what I'm trying to say, right?

Yeah, I wouldn't have prescribed you Ritalin.

What?

As a kid?

No, as a doctor.

No?

Why not?

I need it.

Well, I don't take Ritalin.

I take Adderall.

Yeah, I should probably say that.

I'm not giving out medical advice either

to

to your audience.

But yeah, otherwise, maybe he gets sued.

People threatened.

Yeah, people will.

People threaten to sue him all the time.

He said.

I don't understand that.

I don't understand that.

Steven, you're going in very defensive.

Well, did you think that you're going to sue you?

He's coming in hot.

No, I don't want to, because sometimes people say, oh, but I heard on this, and then that guy said that.

So you're saying what?

You're saying, take everything you say as a, not as

good as it's not meant to

go see your own doctor.

Yeah.

Okay.

Exactly.

That's

the only thing.

Or ask Brian.

I tell you, man,

I think

the majority of the audience of Tell them Steve Dave listeners

are mentally unstable in one way or another.

I love them.

That's why I love them.

They're dealing with some baggage, I think.

A lot of them.

Which is a head scratcher.

I mean,

it's always amazes me.

Like, every email I get kind of

brings that up, you know, that they're dealing with some stuff.

And

so

is a podcast, because I've heard this many times.

Have you ever prescribed a podcast?

I'll just prescribe your friends and tell them, Steve Dave.

I mean,

where do I get this film?

I'll just go to iTunes.

You're going to try it.

I'm telling you right now, I could bring up 100 emails in this month that are like, but your podcast helps me do this.

It makes me, calms me down, deals with stress, yada, yada.

A lot of

people say it's the prescription that gets them through the week.

Is it possible to prescribe a podcast?

Yeah, of course.

I mean, I prescribe other educational material, so I guess the.

Would you.

So it sounds like you listen from time to time.

I've listened to everything up until 307.

Oh, oh, my God.

So you've listened to.

Oh, all right.

I got behind last year.

So

you're not the first doctor, I think, but you're like maybe the most like, you would be like on a plane if it was going down.

Like we have a doctor, Frank Five, right?

He would not be the doctor.

You would be the doctor to I thought he was a professor.

Is he a doctor?

I thought he was a professor.

Oh, is he?

Yeah.

So you would be the guy, like if broken arm or anything, you'd be the guy.

We wouldn't want to call Frank Five in

philosophies.

I mean, hopefully there's an emergency room doctor on the plane and not just a psychiatry resident.

Yeah, he's like, you're going to find this to be traumatic, but I can't help you.

I can't help you.

You're not going to have to deal with it once you hit the ground.

What were we talking about?

Yeah, so,

okay, so nothing you say should be taken.

You know what?

I did the

Rob Bruce's horror con this week, and a couple people, same thing thing came up to me.

And not like, not even like easing into it.

Like, I love your podcast.

Like, if it was, like, I was going to kill myself, and I just started listening.

What do you think about that when people say that?

They're literally, they're just saying,

they'd find something else to save their life if it wasn't telling Steve Dave, though.

Obviously.

I mean, they're just they're looking for something, and this helps, which is great, but come on.

I mean, you it's nice, it's nice, but don't ever like sit there and think that they wouldn't have found something else that would have

helped

take away, put their mind on something else to take away their.

I don't know, man.

Recently I was thinking me you and Q should start going by Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Like we're like messiahs, man, you know, saving people.

There might be a little bit of like group therapy aspect or something.

I think it's relatable.

I think when you talk about stuff that

in your own life, that people are like, oh, well,

I thought I was the only one who felt that way, or I didn't really know how to.

I don't know.

There's a sense of community, right?

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, it's the

I mean, if you think back to when you guys first started, it all started kind of based on your own mental illness.

Yeah, because somebody was going to was like, I'm going to kill myself.

And really, tell them, Steve,

I was patient zero.

Really?

Yeah, those first couple episodes were

a little bit dark.

Oh, it's gotten lighter?

Yeah, oh, I think so.

That's good.

But

I haven't, just to say, I haven't seen every episode of Comic Book Men.

And I definitely haven't seen every episode of

Practical Jokers.

Yeah, that's a commitment.

IJ's like, I mean, Christopher Hall.

Well, there's only like, yeah, but there's only like, what, 10 episodes a year of comic book Bookman?

Yeah.

I don't know why.

I mean, well, you couldn't.

Yeah, I think it's, I think it's like up to 84 right now.

You couldn't sit through 84 episodes of Comic Bookman.

What's wrong with you, man?

Do you get any

people that are very impressed?

Maybe not so much that you're a doctor, but your brother is a major television celebrity.

Yeah.

Do you ever run into people?

Not you know.

Most people don't really know because I don't bring it up.

Oh, you don't?

Yeah.

You don't have a picture of Brian next to your,

what's that thing called?

A wolf?

Pluma.

Yeah.

Yeah, he does, but it's Brian Quinn.

I do have a couple people that I think might be fans of the show that are my patients.

They're all like

Greeks and shit.

Yeah.

No.

No, they're actually a little bit.

What kind of,

what are yours?

What's your specialty?

Is it

like ext how extreme?

Like, do you have a patient that's made you shudder?

Like, that they have that, you know, some of those patients that like the psychiatrists dream of that they can write books off of?

Yeah, a little psychiatrist's wet dream.

Yeah.

What is yeah, is there a wet dream for psychiatrists when you are looking for that one like person that's like,

you know, like, you know, like a Sybil or something?

I think in, I don't really think we go out looking for that, but I just think like interesting cases, like do other psychiatrists get jelly if

you know you remember, remember Sybil.

Yeah, I know Sybil, yeah.

Was it a fraudulent?

Yeah,

well, I mean,

it was a it was a big cash cow though, for even the doctor would cashed in on that.

So, am I looking for that patient I can write a book about?

Yeah, I cash out.

I thought all doctors, like, not that they dream about it, but like, I mean, they want that one case, that challenging case, that one, like, you know, that one thing that's like that one patient that they're so

fascinated by.

I definitely have a group of patients that I'm more interested in.

I mean, patients that have other brain diseases, and then they have, I mean, it's not really that interesting probably to most people, but

you're like garden variety, like, I'm so sad.

Like, depressives like me come in, and you're like, oh.

Yeah,

another one.

Another one.

I think I've used those exact words actually at some point.

It gets pretty easy.

This is my diagnosis.

Yeah, so I work in,

so I'm a third-year resident, so there's four years of residency training after medical school for psychiatry to be finished.

And in my third year, I work in community psychiatry and

San Bernardino County, which is one of the poorest counties.

in the country.

It's one of the poorest in California.

So I work with very, very poor people.

And they're very sick.

So you're not like in a high-rise like Bob Newhart?

Yeah.

Do you remember the new Bob Newhart show?

He was a title.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, nothing like that.

He used to promise my mother he'd take the train to work every day.

That was my promise.

Yeah, he didn't fulfill it either.

No, I didn't.

Remember that show?

Yeah.

The whole opening was him.

He'd get his briefcase, he'd kiss his wife goodbye, and he'd go to work.

I told my mom, I was like, I'm going to do that one day, mama.

I'm going to go work in a high-rise like that, and I'm going to take the train to work.

I'm going to carry a briefcase.

And none of that was ever fulfilled.

Instead, he says, Should I lie down while I tell you this?

Yeah.

He spends hours a day with his head under his own bed, trying to avoid the sun.

Yeah, what's up with a guy like that, right?

The sun comes up.

You haven't heard this yet.

But it turned out that

it gets very sunny in Walt's rooms, and he doesn't have a curtain or shade in there.

So instead of

maybe even just turning his back to the side,

he gets on the floor and he puts his head underneath the bed and sleeps for hours, like with his head under the bed.

That's ingenuity.

I'm not even kidding.

That's ingenuity.

And this is years.

Yeah, I mean,

is he a genius?

He claims he's.

I'd like to ask this, though, because

I'm autistic, right?

Did you sign this paper saying I'm autistic?

I want to get out of going to cons.

Is there a normal person in your experience?

We were just talking about this.

Is that a unicorn?

A normal person?

I mean,

most people are actually normal, right?

So in biostatistics, they have what they call the normal curve.

And so most people fall you know it's a bell-shaped curve and most people fall into that center.

So you're only interested in the five-year-old.

You don't want to say that

because in the UK that means something totally different.

I don't know if it's as sexy as the lunatic,

the patient who finds you know the doctor who finds the lunatic patient, I mean, you know, right, so forth, but you've you could find that that the most normal person is sitting right in front of you, I think.

Not Brian.

Yeah, now you just heard me talk about him sleeping with his head under the bed.

That's just because, like, I'm just tired.

I'm like, you know, I'm just so tired.

I'm like, oh, it's in my eyes.

I roll over onto the floor, grab my pillow and blanket, and just stick my head under the bed because it's dark and cool.

I mean, I'm less worried about you than the other members of Tell him Sneak Dave.

Concerns about you.

Yeah, sometimes I worry about him as well.

Really?

He seems as happy as I've ever heard him lately.

Yeah, sometimes he does, and then sometimes when he calls me, he doesn't seem that way.

Oh, okay.

So he's putting on a a brave face.

No, no, no.

I think it's it's like up and down at times.

Yeah, sometimes there's just shit that he's like, oh, I don't want to like.

I mean, like with anybody, I guess.

Not like super depressed or sad or anything, but just like.

Irritated.

Too much, yeah, like too much.

Overwhelmed?

Yeah.

Which is understandable.

I mean, the guy's constantly on the go.

And me,

pretty normal.

Yeah.

Not at all.

Yeah, right.

I mean,

yeah.

I mean, you and

Darren, I mean, you guys are kind of like textbook

bipolar cases.

That's what it is.

Oh.

That's what he has.

Yeah.

I need you to write that down on a note.

And what is the treatment?

Absolutely.

Yeah, man.

So, I mean, the treatment for bipolar disorder is you use a mood stabilizer.

That's the most important medication you would take.

Something to keep your mood from kind of cycling too high or too low.

So, that kind of drive you get,

it can be good.

I mean, it can push you to do new things.

It can push you to, you know, write, it can push you to go to school.

But that's what it can be called like hypomania.

And then full mania is something totally different where you don't sleep at all.

I got to go.

I'm going to go sign up to college.

Oh, yeah.

Exactly.

Impulsive decision-making, those types of things.

But then it's usually followed by, and more commonly, the person's like severely depressed.

And they don't want to do anything.

They don't respond to emails.

Their brother's phone calls.

Their brother's phone calls.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And

so,

you know, so that's.

So whose fault is it?

Pem's or Edgar's?

Or both?

I mean, it's actually probably both their faults, thinking about it.

It's highly genetic, but it's also

genetic or environment?

Bipolar disorder has a heavy genetic component.

So, they should have never got together and did the deed.

It was a concoction

that was going to a recipe for disaster, as I say.

I'm going to burst in on them later on.

I'd be like, why did you fuck?

Is there, so like, is there like people who of certain

if they have like some issues that should not get together and have children?

I mean,

like, kind of like sickle cell disease, where you go see a genetic counselor to see if your child might end up with sickle cell drugs.

It's racist to me.

Aren't they only black people who get sickle cell?

Well,

racist in the family.

But it's actually,

it's actually beneficial in some places in the world where there's malaria and not beneficial in other places.

So you're saying if you're getting ready to start a family or get married, before you can get married, you should take a psychiatric evaluation.

Like genetic counseling.

Or something.

To see if you're,

if this is the person, both, like, if you guys have a child, it might have some,

it might be at high risk.

You know, it wouldn't be a bad idea because mental illness is more disabling than physical illness.

Could you imagine that, though, if that became like that?

That's the sticking point.

Like, like you're, like, the girl you propose to is like, all right, but first,

we got to go to this genetic counselor to see how fucked up you are exactly.

If it's too fucked up,

why are you telling it?

Why are you assuming it's going to be her, though?

What, her saying this to me?

Or

you're going to be saying it to her.

I mean, wouldn't you, I mean, she.

I'm going to say it to her.

Yeah, but she might be like

she might be thinking this, honey.

What about if you get your results, though, in front of her?

Oh, yeah.

That's a good point.

All right, nobody needs to know anything.

Just roll the dice, baby.

We're in love.

What's the worst thing that could happen?

It ends up like me.

I mean, you can't actually do that right now.

There's no genetic, like

there's no solid genetic markers for like bipolar disease or mental illness.

There are genetic traits, but

right now, maybe in the future.

You should be inventing one, man, make us rich.

I am not that smart.

Is it going to be like a blood test, or is it just going to be like a written test?

No, it would be.

Do you need a stool since?

You would look at the person's DNA, right?

You would do a blood test.

A blood test would show this.

I mean, you could see traits, or, you know.

What would you be looking for?

Look at his eyes darting around.

He's like, Why did I agree to this?

Why did I agree to this?

What specific markers would you look for?

Yeah, you'd be like,

Mr.

and Miss, Mr., you know, they're just getting ready to get married.

You'd be like, I,

you guys can get married.

You guys can have children, but I would recommend not having children because of these things that are showing up on the test.

Okay.

Well, I mean, realistically, I wouldn't say that based on a scientific test, but if two people came to me and

they were just like, can you believe what that guy just said?

He's a fucking doctor.

He wrote, tell him Steve Dave on a prescription rabbit.

Told us to go our separate ways.

I would get a, what's it called?

I would get your tubes tied right now if I were you, ma'am.

And you, I would definitely, I would get, what's it called when you get your snipped?

Oh, the

vasectomy.

You have vasectomies?

You have a vasectomy.

Do you know how to do vasectomies?

Because you could double up on the cash.

It's actually a sterilization by Johnson.

Cash straight up.

It's a.

What would you tell them, though?

Your bedside is a little bit more.

So

they come in, they're saying we both know we have mental illness.

Then what you would do is just kind of

get married.

The risk.

Right?

Right.

We're thinking about getting married.

And

we both have had some mental issues in the past.

And we're a little concerned.

If you know, we want to start a family, we want to have like five or six kids.

I'm like, I'm looking forward to marrying the most normal man in the world.

What now?

We've submitted to your test, this so-called test that only you

that you invented.

I invented it.

You're in Mexico because you're not allowed to practice anything about

those tests.

You got there before the wall with the wall went up.

You just didn't make the time.

Read our results and tell us what you

both have, let's say for the sake of the argument, we both have mental ill illness in our history.

Okay, so

the test would probably say something like, you know, your

your child, if you were to have a child, it would have maybe like a 25% risk of developing like bipolar disorder or another psychotic disorder or something like that.

And then you'd have to s think, you say, well, if you have six children, you're likely to have maybe one or two that develop severe mental illness, and you might need to care for those children in a different way than you would the other four children and everyone the rest of their lives.

Yeah.

Essentially.

But I mean, but like there could be, you could, to test when it becomes available, it'll be able to narrow it down to 20.

Once you're selling your test.

Yeah, I mean,

you can look, and

I mean, even just without a DNA test, you could pretty much look at a family tree.

And if you knew enough about the family, you could figure out generally what the likelihood of something like that is.

You know,

where love conquers all, doctor.

You can't measure

how much big our love is.

Yeah.

And love conquers all

problems.

We're not paying.

You sound like my patient.

Yeah, that would be tough, right?

Because nobody wants to hear that.

And who knows?

Like, what if, like, let's say the wife is like, oh man, he's right.

And she's like, I don't want to get married.

And the guy comes back all crazy and shit.

Like, you piece of shit.

Now it's

highly controversial.

I think I'm thinking about that kind of stuff all the time.

Yeah, all these theories are here to toss it out there, man.

A lot of people aren't with it.

I don't know if they're theories or

words put in your mind.

But I mean, your job is just to give people the best advice so they can be prepared for what they, you know, happens.

Right.

You're not like Walt says, you're not going to, if they're in love, you're not going to change anybody's mind.

Yeah, exactly.

With like, oh, you might have a kid.

What if it was like

John Wayne Gacy and what was that serial that serial killer?

Eileen Buernos.

Yeah, they both painted and were like, we want to have a child.

John Wayne Gacy's are full grease paint.

Yeah, he's full-on pogo.

She's got those wild eyes.

And they watch.

Prior yep, Priep, I need to know the answer.

I got to get to a truck stop.

He's like,

I'm going to go hang out with Rosalind Carter.

You know, I would probably try to get them out of the office as quickly as possible.

But you're both dead.

Well,

their test would be through the roof, right?

In terms of like it would be like the readings would be off the charts.

Yeah.

I mean, I would imagine their risk of having an abnormal child would be very high.

Assuming it survived.

Yeah.

See, that that that has to be the wet dream, right?

Like you get the next big serial killer, like the next like night stalker.

The next like Ramirez.

Yeah.

You know, I actually say that my patients don't kill anyone most of the time.

Yeah, but then you cash in, though.

Yeah.

Then you get like you go on the talk show certainly.

Oh, yeah.

You could be the next Dr.

Phil, maybe.

You become like one of those 24-hour news, like, you know, you become the official doctor.

Whenever a serial killer pops up, you become the talking head that they call in.

Yeah, you're the guy.

And then everybody's like, oh, this guy knows what he's talking about.

You've written books.

You've, what's it called?

When you consult on movies.

I mean, you're fucking just raking it in.

So, this isn't going to propel me to that level of fame?

Tell him Steve Day.

Tell him Steve Day.

Not a two serial killer, like you advise two serial killers to get married.

Now, there's that doctor-patient confidentiality.

So, if a guy comes to you and he's like, you know, this serial killer they're looking for, it's me.

Like, then what do you do?

So, this is kind of interesting because if the crimes have happened in in the past, you can encourage the person to report them themselves, but you're under no legal obligation to actually

report them.

I believe some people do anyway, but it's actually probably a breach of confidentiality the way the law is written.

But if they said, I'm going to go kill this person, then you're legally obligated to inform that person and the police.

So, if he said something very general, like, hey,

I'm the serial killer, right?

I'm the,

who is your guy?

Oh, yeah, the

brown-collared killer, right?

Yeah, the

BCK.

He shits on people's collars.

No, I only go after white people who commit white-collar crimes.

This is my serial killer.

If I had to become a serial killer, I'd want it at least off people who are pieces of shit.

But obviously, if I'm going after criminals,

I got to pick non-dangerous criminals because I'm not young anymore.

So I gotta go after guys

if I gotta go after guys who commit white-collar crimes, you know, like pansies and pussies.

Just sit behind a desk all day.

Getting fat.

Guys that are older than me.

Like Bernie Madoff.

I could fucking snuff him out like a fucking candle.

Oh, you might know should you report this?

I could if I was the brown collar killer, but I'm not.

You might have to notify Bernie Madoff.

I mean, the plan's also supposed to be realistic, so he's he's in jail, right?

So, I mean, so you would be like, you'd have to evaluate how realistic it is his

threat level.

Yeah.

Okay.

Right.

But if he's like, okay, so I'm this serial killer.

I killed these people.

And he's like, and I'm not going to stop.

So it's that general.

That's not really a plan.

But if he's like, I got my eye on this chick or this dude or whatever,

is that solid enough that you can report it?

I mean, I would.

Yeah.

I don't know if I would get in trouble for it, but yeah.

Trouble from who?

The fraternity?

Breaking confidentiality.

Why don't you just tell somebody, like, like, tell somebody else, and then they can tell the cops.

And if there's a reward, you're just telling somebody else is breaking confidentiality.

That's what you do, though.

Like, if there's a reward, like, you tell me, and then I'm like, oh, you know what?

And then, like, I give the tip that leads to the

you can't even tell your wife, right?

Wow, how difficult is that?

You got to have, like, you got some steely resolve not to want to be like, come home from it.

She's like, how was your day at work?

And something really juicy happened.

I'm no Bob Newhart.

I'll tell you that much.

I mean, I can see.

I mean, I could talk about in general what happened.

I could say, you know, somebody came in and they said they were going to go kill somebody else, but I can't tell who

the person was.

In the Newhart show, he did.

He told Emily constantly about his patients.

It's not like that.

No.

She doesn't really care too much.

Really?

Oh,

about that.

Well, she'd care about that.

Like the stuff you were talking about the other day or yesterday, like no names or anything, just very general stuff.

Like that sounds interesting to me.

I'd want to hear about that.

Like people lighting themselves on fire and like tweakers and all this other shit.

I'd want to hear those stories.

I mean, sometimes I tell them about like

funny stuff, you know.

Like I have a guy that won't leave his house because he's paranoid aliens are going to try to get him.

You want to hear something that's a riot?

I mean, it's not really funny to him, but it's kind of like, you know, shut in.

Has he ever been abducted?

No, he says that's not been a problem, but he fears it.

So it's just the fear keeps.

How do you treat that, though?

He takes antipsychotics.

Right, but do you tell him,

or do you flat out say, you don't need to worry about this, brother?

There are no aliens.

Or do you keep up the facade that there are aliens that could get you?

Yeah, you have to play into it.

No, you don't play into the people's illusions.

You'd be like, I think I just saw one go by the window.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

But that's not that much of a delusion, though, because you're sitting here selling that there's no chance that we haven't been visited by aliens with all the videos.

I guess you got me there.

I mean, because.

That's condescending.

Come on.

I mean, you're really.

There's no way you can say unequivocally.

Is that how you say it?

I said that right?

I ought to impress the doctor.

You can tell.

It's like, wow, it's like, well, look at these scholars, these two.

But, like, there's, I mean,

you, which is good, I guess you don't.

So, do you say there's no such thing as aliens?

No, I believe there probably are aliens.

Whatever's going to shut down this issue.

But I don't think he was visited by them.

I mean, what you, the reason you can tell

is, you know,

consistency is in his story.

And it's been there ever since he's been coming in.

Yeah.

I mean,

you can break down the inconsistencies.

You know, sometimes people have delusions that are very, they almost seem real.

Like Terminator type stuff?

Like the person I was saying that, like, you know, he thought his wife was, he thought he saw an email and his wife was cheating on him, but he was staring at a cell phone that was just turned off.

And he told you that he was like a computer programmer.

He's like, a computer programmer or something.

His wife was like, he doesn't know anything about computers, and he just stares at a cell phone that's not even turned on.

It's not even connected to a service, and thinks he's seeing emails about her cheating on him.

That's some paranoid shit.

It is, but in this day and age, it's probably true.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

What did you say to him?

Were you like, you're probably right?

Like, I fucking know what you're saying.

I don't know.

But what do you tell the guy who's thinking that he's scared of aliens, though?

That's what I'm really interested in.

How do you help, like, help him?

So, my job for a person that's like that, because most delusions, they're very hard to treat even with medications.

So my job is to make sure the delusion doesn't interfere with his functioning so he can be kind of happy in his life, spend time with his family, and do the things he wants to do to the extent that he can do them.

So he can't even hold a job, right?

Because he can't leave the house.

He had to quit his job, that guy.

Because he was afraid of going to work and getting abducted by aliens?

He was afraid to leave the house.

Has he made any breakthroughs?

Yeah.

I mean, so the medication helps him.

You know, he has to support a family.

Now, if you didn't see him for a while, would you be like, damn, maybe I was wrong.

Like, maybe he got abducted and I'm the asshole.

Or what if he called his house and he wasn't there?

Or what if you see, or like, what if you see on the

Discovery Channel, you see a show that, like, you see some fucking

unbelievable footage of some UFOs.

Like, would that be a trigger for him?

Or is it just a certain thing?

It's a certain alien.

I'm not too sure because I don't really try to talk to him too much about it because it's kind of like

disruptive to him.

So he's feeding into it then, right?

Yeah.

So

have you had him draw what the aliens look like?

No.

I haven't done that.

And what their genitalia look like.

Like, would you lose your license if you did that?

You're like, what other cocks look like, do you think?

No.

It actually takes quite a lot to lose your license, but yeah, I wouldn't expect that much.

If you asked him just to do a quick sketch,

would you be in breach or would you be in trouble for saying something like that?

No, I think that people would probably, like other psychiatrists, would be like, that's probably not a good idea.

And it doesn't really help him.

So you want everything to kind of help the patient.

You don't want to do things that are funny.

Yeah, you think are funny.

Yeah, exactly.

You can bring it up for your own curiosity.

That would be tough, though, right?

Oh, that's what I'm saying.

You must have a steely resolve to not want to know, like,

to hear more about that aspect because you want to limit that.

It sounds like you want him talking about it as little as possible.

in your session with him, right?

Well, I just want to know, not that I don't want him to talk about it, but I just want to know kind of how it is impairing his day-to-day functioning so I can try to figure out how to improve his day-to-day functioning.

How long has he

been fearful of this?

Is it just a recent thing?

I think this is about 10 years.

This person?

Holy shit, that's a long time.

And like, at what point are you like, well, they didn't get me, so

it just never happened.

He said, no, he meant space aliens, not illegal aliens, right?

You know, maybe I'll just say that's like clarify that.

Eric's like, they call them undocumented

citizens now.

Illegal aliens.

Imagine that.

Imagine that was your fuck-up that you picked.

He got kidnapped by some refugee.

Yeah, then you'd lose your license, right?

Because you never really specified.

I mean, he might have some grounds to

say that I wasn't practicing up to par, maybe.

Yeah.

Yeah, it turns out the Elliott's name wasn't Tor, it was Jose.

When you drew the picture, this looks like that.

This looks like the Cheeto bin.

I thought it was going to look green and scaly.

This looks like just a regular guy, like with a sombrero on.

What kind of alien?

Oh, oh, shit.

I thought you were crazy.

Turns out, you just like Trump.

All right, here's some San Francisco shit for you, Eric.

Nature Box.

Naturebox.com/slash T-E-S-D, 50% off your first order.

Now that you live in Southern California, maybe you want a taste of that San Francisco

treat.

Yeah.

Granola.

You miss the granola.

And

what is Q like?

I forget.

Oh, the black cherry or the white cherry or the.

He's all into cherry.

Like, regardless of the color.

Oh, here it is.

I can't remember what it's called.

Yeah, I can't remember what he likes.

Yeah, he's constantly crying.

He doesn't get enough.

Like, he can't just order it or have his person order it.

There's people.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's people.

Put my people in touch with nature box.

50% off your first order.

You never get bored.

New snacks every month.

Blah, blah, blah.

over a hundred to choose from.

I think I said that already.

No minimum purchase, you can cancel any time.

You don't get nature books, do you get that guy that you're gonna get blue apron?

Nature box, too, man.

Nature box, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hook him up with some nature box because that's good for him.

They even have to leave the house.

Yeah, this guy's never gonna leave the house, he's getting blue apron delivered to him.

Plus, he'll live to be, but he'll live to be 100, though.

Yeah, he's like, I wish I died 50 years ago,

eating good, eating healthy.

Yeah,

uh, Yeah, this is like, this is one of the first guys that

I ever knew that was into like all the liberal

bullshit.

Like, how's your mouth?

Are you a 10 on the liberal scale?

No, no, I'm not anymore.

No, no.

When I lived in San Francisco, I was one of the more conservative people that lived there.

And I'm pretty liberal for New Jersey, I think.

New Jersey's pretty liberal, aren't they?

We're on the coast.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's fairly liberal.

But San Francisco is totally different.

It's far from control.

San Francisco, I've heard, yeah.

It's totally different.

Men on men.

No, no, no.

I just heard some crazy.

Yeah, they do.

They think outside a different box.

Yeah.

We'll have Berkeley bullshit, right?

Setting park benches on fire.

I mean, it's kind of.

Poor defenseless park benches.

Who's going to stand up for that park bench?

Nobody does.

Everybody's going to stand up because now there's no more park bench.

Yeah, but you were the first one that was like, like, cared about shit.

That was like, hey, man, don't say fag.

I'm like, shut up, fag.

Like, really, the first guy that, like, you know, because we grew up in the 70s and 80s, and it's like, you say fag, you don't mean gay guy at all.

But you were the first one that's like, hey, man, words hurt, dude.

I remember using that phrase, but yeah.

No, yeah, you were more liberal than anyone

I had ever known.

You know, out of our way.

I think it was because I left Highlands and then I went and offended a whole bunch of people at college.

That's literally what I was doing.

And then somebody came up to me and was like, KB the 411.

They're like, you shouldn't talk like that.

How are you doing, sleeping, fag?

Why can I talk like that?

Words can hurt, dude.

Like, ooh, you don't say.

All right.

I'm going to tell my brother.

Yeah.

That was a real eye-opener, huh, going to college?

Yeah, it was definitely different.

I didn't realize how different Highlands was than the rest of the world.

Yeah, but this is a guy that was like,

and I didn't even drink Pepsi, but he was like down on Pepsi.

He's like, yeah, man, because Pepsi does business with Burma, who like

represses their citizens.

And I'm like, I can't even have a fucking can of soda now.

Yeah, but I mean, I still kind of do that.

Like, I don't shop at certain stores.

Yeah,

what stores are on your shit list?

I don't know if you'll be happy.

Oh, Hobby Lobby is one store I don't shop at because they're

big-time

anti-abortionists.

Hobby Lobby?

Yeah.

What's that?

That's a store?

Yeah.

Oh.

And

why would I not be happy?

I'm not anti-abortion.

No, but he'll be.

No,

you should be happy though, because then it's driving business to you.

Oh, yeah.

Like anybody who's anti-hobby lobby.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

So you thought that I was

Catholic.

Yeah,

I'm not the best Catholic.

Okay.

I can say that.

I'll give an abortion.

Anyone who knows you here.

I want to be good.

That's the thing, though.

I want to be better.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm always,

I know that I fall so short, but

in terms of abortion,

sometimes it's a hot topic, but

sometimes

it should be done.

And other times it should be done.

Who are you looking at me for?

Other times it's done kind of like on the cuff.

It's like almost like

a birth control.

Yeah.

But other times, I understand why some people need to have it done.

Yeah.

Well, Hobby Lobby,

but why are they not allowed to

well, they had this big thing where they went to the Supreme Court and they took?

They won.

Hobby Lobby won?

Yeah, they won.

They won the right to what?

Not.

And they lost my business.

To not provide certain health care to their female employees.

Are you a big arts and craft dude?

Did you put a big

hurt in their pocket by not chopping there no more?

The yarn section.

I don't buy my pipe cleaner no more.

My pipe cleaners are bought elsewhere, Mr.

Lobby.

Yeah.

Like, why are our shares sinking?

They're in the boardroom.

Have you ever heard of Michaels,

Mr.

Lobby?

That's right.

There you go.

So sort of like a pharmacist who's like, hey, man,

I don't believe in abortion, so they won't give him like the morning after pill or whatever.

Yeah, that's totally unethical.

That is a dude's greatest enemy, a fucking cocksucker who won't hand over the morning after pill.

All those pharmacists should be fucking beaten.

You know?

Like, beaten where they stand.

Yeah, I'm not a.

And you're a girl and you're like, oh, I had a one-night stand with some fucking schmuck, and now I'm going to fucking have his kid.

No way.

Right?

Give me that morning after pill.

I mean,

beat you where you stand.

In medicine in general, you have to work with people that have different value systems and belief systems than yourself.

So I don't know why you would go into the medical field if you were.

I mean, it just doesn't.

It's not appropriate to decline people care.

Do you

think it's weird when you see

you're around people of science and they're still they're religious?

That's a weird thing, right?

Because the two don't really

yeah, sometimes people have

beliefs that you know are completely unscientific, but they're doctors.

And so you're like,

how did you take all of these science classes and

still maintain this really odd belief.

Odd belief.

Yeah.

Like people talk

like global warming is a conspiracy, stuff like

global warming completely caused by man?

It doesn't necessarily have to be, but it appears that man is a huge factor.

And I think

has the Earth

warmed up and cooled down long before man was ever ever on the face of the planet?

I believe that is true.

Yes.

So man

wasn't the reason it happened before man was around, so why are we the reason now?

Well, man is, I mean, I think that what we are trying to do is separate man from nature.

Man is actually part of nature, so everything we do is kind of part of the earth, right?

So, I mean, we're

like factories and aerosol cans.

The earth was warmed up.

You can't even say it's unnatural, but our activities are causing.

How do we know it's accelerated, though?

How do you know it wasn't just time for a fucking moment?

You're going to be a talking head scientist, you man.

I know.

How do we know it's accelerated?

How do we know we just weren't due for this

warm pocket?

This hot pocket?

Yeah,

the way they think they've established it, and I mean, I'm not an expert on it, but

climate scientists.

I I don't think it exists either.

I mean, I know a guy who.

I mean, you look back at,

you know, climate record, and then you kind of see how it's progressed.

And then you look at the industrial age, and then you see the acceleration from that point.

And that's why they think that this time it's happening at a faster pace because what can we do?

Move inland, maybe?

Because I don't think anybody's going to stop it.

I mean, at this point, there's really nothing you can do, right?

You can't stop it, you can't stop it where it's at.

I mean, temperature is just going to keep rising.

Yeah, probably.

I mean,

there are things that could be done, but they hurt economically, and poor countries do not want to do them because they are not as developed as us, and so they probably will not do that.

Like the Chinese, right?

I mean, yeah, I mean,

so then, like, that's like, so why are we forced to feel the shame and the

big target on Americans' heads about this problem?

It's the other countries that are the blame, aren't they?

Most for the most part?

Tired of everybody blaming America for all the fucking world's ills.

I agree with that.

He's like, build a wall.

Build a wall.

To assure you, you sold them.

Just build an air-conditioned wall.

So we were made cool inside.

Let everybody else fucking suffer out there.

I think people depend on us to kind of solve to lead the way.

To lead the way.

You think American exceptionalism still exists, huh?

I mean,

it definitely still exists.

Yeah, it is weird how America is like, we know what to do.

Like, at every turn, it's like, we know what to do.

Well, I think because we do have a lot of very intelligent people that are born here, but we also have a lot of intelligent people that want to live here.

And because they're so smart, they're able to come here and and make their way here.

Like, was that Elon Musk, like all these really super intelligent.

Oh, the Tesla guy?

Yeah, so these there are as a large, we kind of drain, they call it

brain drain.

So we drain the other countries of

their smartest and brightest.

How do you,

as a person, how do you, what do you do

on a daily basis to

do things to help the environment in terms of reduce your carbon footprint, man?

To reduce my my carbon footprint?

It's pretty

bad right now.

What kind of car do you drive?

Subaru.

It's not a school bus.

Could you tell my car?

Oh,

I got a Prius driver right here.

Oh, wow.

Okay, so

everybody leave me the fuck alone.

I don't want to hear about it no more.

I don't want to hear about it no more.

I did my part.

Did you do your part?

Yeah, now I don't need to hear about it no more.

If everybody drove a Prius, we'd be in a good spot, right?

I

would say that we would probably have all our problems would be maybe something.

Yeah, I mean, every other car company is out of business, and only Priuses are being manufactured.

Well, no, everybody should go the Prius route with the less fuel, like Tesla, right?

That's that's purely battery, right?

It doesn't even take gas.

Oh, that's the car you have?

Uh, no, no, no, I can't.

Is it like base price, like 80,000

these cars?

I mean, you could do a little bit more and get a Tesla,

yeah, you know, you got the money,

don't even try it.

I'm doing.

I mean, what about solar panels?

I got some in M2.

I mean, you think you're doing your part.

I mean,

where are you going for solar panels?

Dr.

Green.

He comes over from the West Coast and he wants to tell everybody on the East Coast how to look.

Oh, they always do.

They always do, man.

Here's what you're doing wrong.

Where it's hurt, dude.

Along with your car.

Everything else you're doing.

No, I mean.

Fucking hippie.

Yeah, my lifestyle is not as

green as it used to be.

You stopped Karen, right?

That's one thing you would impart to all the millennials today.

Like, someday you won't fucking care either.

All this shit that you think is so important, like a tranny used in the bathroom, someday, and not to say it isn't important, but someday you're just not going to care.

Like, you're just going to be like, whatever.

I don't care anyway.

I mean,

I don't know.

What age when you stopped, Karen.

What?

Like, when you lost your passion for all the oil stuff.

I care about stuff.

I care about things still.

I've been in the The topic of the week I'm talking about.

My priorities just shift.

Like now I have

my stepson.

So it's like, so we live in a town that's 45 minutes from where I work, so he could go to a better school.

So I pollute the environment.

So I care less about the environment, more about him.

But I think that's pretty normal.

Most people care more about their family.

Your little circle is really all that you can

think about.

You can think about the big picture.

If I knew it was going to reduce greenhouse gases, I would send Sage to like an inner city like Detroit school.

Yeah.

I better walk to school.

I mean, burn up any emissions.

Yeah, if I lived where I worked, that's essentially what my kid would have to do.

So it's like.

That's the kind of place you work in, that kind of town.

Yeah, it's very poor.

And do you see kids going to school and you're like, oh, yeah, poor bastards.

Yeah.

Not like poor, like no money, but I see kids walking down the street by prostitutes on their way to school on my way to work every single day.

Like hot prostitutes are gross?

No.

At least over there,

it would be cool.

Yeah.

So it's a very poor community.

So, so I do my part.

I go work in the poor

neighborhood.

Yeah, but it's self-serving, so don't even try to say they force me to do it, actually.

Let's say somebody listening

at a big

wants are starting their own private business and

wants to get you on the

wants to snap me up.

Should I give out my phone number?

No, no.

Would you consider it or are you committed to your

where you're at right now?

Well, I have one more year of residency left, so I have to be in this program for one more year.

But afterwards, it's you're saying like like a college player who gets drafted by the NBA or something, like second year?

Like, could you like, could you drop out residency and just like do practice?

No, I have to finish.

Yeah, I have to finish.

Would then you'd be able to open up your own practice?

Yes, I could.

Would you stay in the in the area you're at, or would you want to move somewhere maybe maybe a little bit more

where your patients are actually able to pay you then?

I definitely want to move to probably more high-functioning patients.

I worked with kind of very poor people for a long time.

So even before I went to medical school, I worked in a free clinic and then I worked in a free mental health clinic.

And so I did my part.

That's it.

Like you bought your Prius.

Right.

I did my time.

There you go.

So once you get everything done, you're officially a doctor, right?

And I'm off TV.

i'm already a doctor can we run a pill can we run a pill mill together

see that see that the johnson flare i'm already a doctor back yeah back arch

i'm already a doctor yeah she bristles and shit yeah

do you cook at home eric um yeah and my wife shirley she cooks she cooks oh okay you got her in the kitchen no shoes right no shoes That's the way you do it?

Yeah, we don't wear shoes in the house.

Barefoot?

No, come on.

You know what I'm getting at.

This is what Blue Apron's all about, man.

Number one fresh ingredient.

Okay.

Has cooking ever used this therapy?

You ever say that?

Like, I've.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

No, for sure.

I mean, and

your wife's like, like, I'm sad.

You're like, make me a sandwich, bitch.

That's my prescription.

No, I mean, a lot of people have physical health problems because they don't know how to actually go and shop.

So

they don't know how to shop healthy.

Yeah, I have a person working with the city.

They don't know how to

make they they don't know how to shop at all.

They don't know the concept of like grabbing something and paying for it.

I made a...

They're called shoplifters.

No, I made a joke to my therapy supervisor that I was going to buy my patient blue apron.

Actually,

oh, really?

I was not allowed to do that, but I was like, because they shoot

themselves so poorly that they buy such unhealthy food.

Did you recommend it, though?

Blue apron?

Like right in on prescription?

Yeah.

No, I mean, like, could you recommend it to the patient during a therapy session?

Like, you know, there's this

service, Blue Apron.

Yeah.

I, I, I might not promote a specific service, but in this case,

it would be totally okay.

In this case, I think.

As long as they use blueapron.com/slash T-E-S-D.

Yeah.

Then, yeah.

And surely there's no make sure the promo code gets on the

don't fuck this up.

You fucked everything else up.

Do not fuck up this code.

But yeah, man.

So this person who doesn't know how to shop, like

this, this month or upcoming, spinach and fresh uh,

as the Italians say, pizza with a bunch of stuff on it, sweet and sour salmon with bak choy, I mean, I like that, Parmesan crusted chicken, baby broccoli, all kinds of stuff, man.

Hey, what's wrong with Ming?

Yeah, what the fuck is wrong with what's up with Ming?

Is he?

I called him a sociopath, right?

Is he?

I mean,

it's possible.

I mean,

I love this.

He's not rolling it out.

Why aren't you the doctor?

I don't know.

Are you on the market for an apprentice?

I mean, some of the stuff that

happens and the things he says and the things he does and the amount of time he spends away is kind of odd.

Right.

Yeah.

So.

I always wondered, like, does he spend so much time away doing these things?

Because he really, like, he was quiet

when we first met him.

He said he was quiet in college, quiet in high school.

But now, like, this motherfucker's life of the party.

Like, no kidding, every single con he goes to, and it's a lot, there's a lot of them,

everybody knows him, everybody's talking to him, hugs, and hellos, and all this other shit.

Like, is it he's just making up for those lost years where he was invisible and now he's like the man, or is he just a sociopath?

I mean,

yeah.

I mean, most people, when they reach that age, they no longer do that.

They don't covet, they don't cover it.

Especially if they have a family, so you would

I wish Q was here.

This would be so bad.

Oh my God, can you come back next week?

I want to get everybody here.

I want to get everybody here.

I want you to diagnose all of our fucked ups

that are our circle.

I'll help you out.

Oh, this will be.

When's the next time you're back in Jersey?

We'll probably come back much more often now because my schedule is a little bit lighter.

So we probably might come back this summer.

We got to get him back on.

And we'll do like, we'll get the whole, we'll get Frank.

We'll get all the Franks.

We'll get everybody.

And then he can.

You know, like Frank Five, you can be like, what's up?

Why are you leaving your wife on Thanksgiving?

Oh, it'd be great.

Yeah, what a crew, right?

When you think of everyone together, all their different mental problems and shit.

Yeah, man.

Ming.

All right.

Blue Apron.

Yeah, yeah.

Cooking together, build strong family bonds.

Does that guy have a family?

That guy who doesn't have a shop?

He doesn't, but

I mean, he needs to build more bonds with anyone.

All right.

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Blueapron.com slash T-E-S D.

That's the deal sealer.

Q uses it.

Yeah.

What else do you need to know?

That should have been the end of the commercial.

Q uses it.

Next.

Well, yeah, you're a doctor,

but you have to complete the...

Like if you don't, like, let's say you drop out this last year.

You're still a doctor?

Yeah.

But you don't don't have to do that.

You're a doctor after you finish medical school.

Okay.

So what does a residency mean then?

Residency is additional training so you can practice on your own.

Like specialize and stuff.

So, yeah.

Oh, so after this, then you could be like Bob Newhart.

Like seeing your own, like open your own practice.

Or maybe you could get a soprano.

Like you could start seeing some gangsters and stuff.

You come to Jersey.

What was that lady

who was diagnosing Tony, Soprano?

Oh, Dr.

Melfie?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That'd be cool, right?

I mean, she only got threatened like every other episode.

Yeah, your patients must threaten you, right?

At least she had a nice house and stuff, though.

Yeah, my patients get threatened.

Do they won't threaten you, though?

No, they threaten me all the time.

Really?

How do you deal with that?

We have a lot of security,

but I don't know.

It doesn't really bother me anymore.

Are they threatening you for what, for more medication or for?

So I work, so as well as working at a community clinic, I work in a psychiatric emergency room like an inpatient hospital so sometimes the police bring them there against their will and they're really psychotic so they'll start like I don't know they'll threaten just to punch me in the face if I don't let them out or like sometimes they even attack people what does that do mentally though to you though like like when you're dealing with that kind of like

patients are on that level of like psych psychosis or is that the word like like how do you decompress from that like dealing with that all day long and then you I mean is it just go home and deal with your family?

Or, like, how do you, like, how could you like remove yourself from that and not be like, like, affected by having a bad thing?

Because I take out my day on one of those prostitutes.

Jack-a-buck.

I mean,

yeah, it takes a little bit of unwinding.

It was kind of like a lot like growing up in the Johnson household.

So, is there anything that's probably way worse than that?

No, I mean, you know, all the Johnson's room on Matthew.

Yeah, no, you kind of I don't really take it too seriously when I'm there.

You kind of

yeah, I don't know, just talk about it with the other staff a little bit.

And so you can't take anything personally because the people are very stressful.

I don't mean the I don't mean the threats.

I mean just the kind of stress level of dealing of like constantly having to deal with people who are not all like not there.

They're not in they're not able to have that a normal like conversation.

So they're like like, so they're psychotic, though.

How do you decompress from that, like dealing with that all day long, though?

How do you with the bad jokes?

I know, bullshit stories.

I don't know.

I

just watch TV.

Listen to Tellum Steve Dave, right?

You write yourself a prescription, huh?

You're unself-prescribed.

Yeah, you'll have to do that.

Use your license.

I mean, actually, it's good for stress.

Every board exam I took, I always listen to Tell him Steve Dave on the way to the board exam because it takes my mind off of like the things that, or else I start thinking about things I might have studied more.

Wow.

Really?

So, yeah.

Damn.

That's incredible.

We've got some elite listeners.

Give me your top five episode list.

Dr.

J's, top five.

Past 307.

I know.

Is there a go-to one?

Or you only listen to it once and never go back and listen to another one ever?

Is that your?

You usually only listen to them once.

Okay.

Did you buy the Christmas ones?

Or did Brian just give them to them?

Yeah, he gives them to me.

Shit.

I know.

I wasn't.

Maybe you should

drink me along because I was still in medical school for most of these.

I considered it a once-a-year care package.

That cost me nothing.

No standouts for you.

What about you listened to episode 300 where Giddam got married?

I wish Giddem was here.

Oh my God.

Yeah, it's a little bit of a single thing.

What's your feelings on Giddem?

I mean, my feeling is that if he has Asperger's,

it's pretty mild.

Oh,

he resents when he's not.

He's pretty highly functional, I think.

He's high-punctional.

He resents when doctors give an honest functionality.

He resents when people say, like,

it's just a tad.

It's just a touch.

He wants full-blown.

He wants.

No, he doesn't.

Our cousin has Asperger's full-blown, and it's like.

He's not like.

I've seen people even less functional than our cousin.

Yeah, and it can be pretty difficult.

So he's able to work here.

He is.

It's not...

That's pretty high functioning.

He's more high-functioning than most of my patients.

He said he can't detect sarcasm, right?

He has a hard time deciphering sarcasm, he says.

So he's like the king.

He would be the king in the land of

Asperger's.

Yeah, so social cues is a big thing on autism spectrum.

So sarcasm is like definitely body language, those types of things.

Yeah, these are the things he'll text me questions at night, I guess, when he's dealing with some other people.

He'll ask my opinion because he can't read it properly.

Bryce said,

Just assume it's all sarcastic.

So, really, there's not too much I could do for him, but I could sell you some training if you want.

Like, I could come in here and coach you how to behave with him.

Can you give me some disappoint or

some sweetness?

You know, I don't need him totally well, you know, just Just enough to get by.

What's the best way to deal with somebody on the spectrum like that?

You should fire him.

Yeah.

A lot of

reinforced compliments, or should I be a strict person?

I don't even think that matters.

I think you have to be very simple directions and very clear, like direct.

That's what you say, right?

Like he's not a good self-motivator.

He doesn't just go do stuff.

You always got to tell him what to do.

He's getting better, though.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's getting better.

But at first, yes.

Yeah, like if you have to have him break down some boxes or something, you would probably just say, hey, today I need to break down the shoes.

You should have him do it with a butter knife?

8 a.m.

Yeah.

So in case he goes.

Put these mittens on.

He's like two cooking gloves on.

I shouldn't say so.

I've never met him.

I shouldn't have never been.

You basically know him.

You listen to Tell him Steve Dave.

He's exactly the same off Mike as he is on Mike.

Yeah, I don't know.

That's the beauty of it.

Yeah.

Nothing changes.

He's as annoying as fuck on Mike as he is off Mike.

But lovable.

Still lovable.

Oh, I'm sure.

I mean, he seems like a very nice guy.

He is.

Are you ever concerned that, like, because I've seen him get red-faced, like, a couple weeks ago, he thought

Walt stole his can of beans

and became very agitated by the idea.

And Walt did nothing to

disabuse him of the notion, like, sort of just left it hanging there, like, like maybe I did.

Is it cool to taunt a retard?

I guess is what we're asking.

Yeah,

we don't.

I mean,

that's not allowed anymore.

I mean, first of all, he's not intellectually disabled, right?

He's super

only known as fucking.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

His IQ is, I think, higher

than your brothers, who supposedly is

the elite of Highlands.

I forgot what number it was.

When I heard him say the number, I said to myself, I was like, if I ever get on, tell him Steve Dave, I'm going to

say my IQ is 10 points higher than his.

When I actually, I couldn't remember the numbers.

No verification or anything new.

Guinness is super, super intelligent.

I told him the other night, I asked him a question about something.

He knew it immediately.

I was like, I said, it's like having the human version of Siri.

You know, I'm able to just text him, like, do you know this?

Boom, he knows it.

It's great.

You don't think he Googles it?

It's too quick.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's too quick.

He just knows it.

But a lot of people call him on shit.

They're like, what he's saying is total bullshit.

It's not true.

Because he will.

He doesn't hesitate, and he'll come through with an answer.

And you're just like, okay, because he seems confident in that answer.

But then people will write in and they're like, he's not right.

Well, I would have to question if they're right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would take.

Giddam is always right.

At this point, from what I, from what dealing with Giddam,

I'm always going to lean towards Giddam if I'm unsure.

If some fucking Joe Blow is emailing in, like, you've got to prove your answer to me.

I'm just going to take your word for it.

Giddam's like a clock.

He's reliable, huh?

He always shows up on time, never late.

Never late.

Comes in, like, I've got to tell him to stay home when when it's snowing too hard.

He's that reliable.

How many times has that been?

It's been a rough winter so far.

There was times like, you cannot come in today.

We're not going to be open.

And he was like, he was all bummed out.

He's all like stressed out about it and everything.

Because he just,

he's like, he's like a super worker.

See, this is a different story than what I hear

many times, like when I come in before we do the show, and you're like, this fucking stupid asshole.

Did I make a mistake?

No, there's not times, I cannot be honest and say there hasn't been times when I've been annoyed by some of the things he's done, but

I can't diss his

reliability and

his

taking the responsibility of being here when he's supposed to be here, even to the point where I'm like, asshole, stay home.

You can't come in today.

We're not opening.

There's fucking six hours.

I mean, that's a better problem to have, right?

Yeah.

Exactly.

Yeah, I'm not complaining about it.

Have you thought about maybe replacing some of your other employees with other with good em clones?

Just like

all from the Asperger's pool.

I mean, it's not a bad idea.

I mean, like,

I mean, I think what I think Mike right now is probably

scheduling a test right now to make sure.

He's like, I'm on the spectrum.

I'm on the spectrum.

That would be amazing.

Like, Mike gets his fucking pink slip.

He's like, well, why?

You're like, well,

somebody comes in.

They're like, ha,

I do your job now, Mike.

And Mike has to come back for comic book.

ZipRecruiter.com.

Oh, they're back.

They're back, yeah.

They went over the statistics.

They found out the Telm Steve Dave must have really helped their bottom line because they're back.

ziprecruiter.com/slash T-E-S-D.

And this is the one where I was like,

I think it's not for people who want jobs.

It's people who are giving jobs.

Low jobs are hand jobs.

Are you hiring?

Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates?

That's what you would do, Walt, right?

If Giddam wasn't here, you're like, let me go to ZipRecruiter.

I'll put it up.

See if anybody wants the job.

Yeah, and then you can

you post your job to 200 plus job sites, including social media networks like Facebook Facebook and Twitter, all the single click.

Just post once and watch your qualified candidates roll in.

No juggling emails or calls to your office.

Now, let's say you have your own doctor's office someday.

You ziprecruiter.com/slash T-E-S-D.

Yeah, of course I do.

Yeah, you got to find a receptionist, right?

Fine.

And you're like, must be hookerish.

You know, not a hooker, but hooker-ish.

So

that will pull all the resumes where people have described themselves as hooker.

Hookerish.

Yeah.

Or hooker-ish, yeah.

Any time you see hooker.

Right to my inbox.

Yeah.

Okay.

And anybody who's not, you're just like, boom, right into the junk mail or whatever.

Find out today why ZipRecruiter has been used by Fortune 100 companies.

That must suck, right?

Like, is Fortune 100 better or worse than Fortune 500?

I think it's better, right?

It's not the top 100 countries.

Okay.

All right.

So one of the the top 100 companies in the whole world use them.

So what, these people who have smaller businesses, I think they're too good.

Thousands of small, medium-sized businesses.

Please stylize and add personal anecdotes, explaining what you like best about Zip Recruiter.

That the spot is over, I guess.

I mean, come on.

How am I?

Oh, you know what I like best about Zip Recruiter?

It's so fucking

difficult, though, since we haven't been hiring anybody off of Zip Recruiter.

It's difficult.

But, you know, it's still a great service, and check it out.

What?

A salesman?

All right, there you go.

So did you say he was going to diagnose you today, though?

Yeah.

Give me a full diagnosis, man.

Being unreliable.

It's not my fault, right?

Being unreliable?

Yeah.

I mean, that's more of a personality issue.

I don't really know.

So, you know, and

like if I don't show up to a con, they can't shame me, right?

Yeah, they could.

Probably.

They do.

I mean, because you think bipolar people are are also very highly functioning.

I mean, there's a lot of people that are like PhDs.

Somebody wrote a book, they said they thought Mozart was bipolar.

So because you have so much increased energy

during certain periods, people tend to develop skills and

like writing, you know,

and those types of things.

But then they kind of fall down and they go into kind of slumps.

So if it's a side effect of, I mean, if it's something that's that's happening because of your depression, then

they can't shame me.

Yeah.

But

I mean, now, I mean, so, and bipolar, you get the highs and you get the lows.

I mean,

we know.

How long do the highs last?

It depends.

Sometimes, like, sometimes only like a couple hours.

Sometimes a couple weeks.

Yeah.

Does that sound normal?

So, yeah, so normally, most, I mean, most, so an episode of hypomania is like five days long, episode of mania is seven days long, um

and that's a full-blown kind of episode.

Those are the minimum standards to meet the diagnosis, but uh sometimes I mean they can last for months a high yeah a high remember like like two years ago I had like a a month-long high where I was like exercising it felt good every day and then like that like somebody switched a light off.

Yeah, and so this that's all you were doing was just exercising now?

Yeah, I was doing push-ups fucking 12 hours a day.

No, no.

I was exercising and I was writing something.

I can't remember what it was at the time, but I got other stuff.

Always busy, always doing something and like in good spirits.

In a month.

Yeah, it was after, like, remember, I had to go to the hospital because I was like, they thought I had a nervous breakdown because I couldn't see straight and shit.

Yeah, it was on Sage's birthday.

And they took me to the hospital because somebody was trying to hand me like a bottle of water.

That's right.

Like, I wasn't seeing it, and I was like, really out of it.

And then, like, a day or two later, like, something like clicked in my head.

Like, I heard it like a click in the morning.

I do remember this.

Yeah.

And then I was like, oh, everything's good.

What was that?

Was that the endorphins?

I mean, that usually

happen, and I really don't know

what he's talking about.

What are they called?

Endorphins?

Like, is that when you practice neck?

Did something release some sort of chemical release into

a spinal cord?

It doesn't usually work that way.

But I mean, the episodes come at standard, like six to nine months.

So

they tend to stabilize and they'll come like kind of like in a wave.

So I mean you could just email them at certain months and then maybe take

like if you wanna know if you wanna know something two months from now, email me.

So when's your last high?

Was that it?

No.

No, it was probably a couple of weeks ago.

When are you feeling are you in a down now or no?

Or is it just a lull?

No.

You know what?

I was down last week because we didn't do the show.

Like when Q was like, I'm sick.

And then we'll do it tomorrow.

And then he's like, I'm sick again.

And then it sunk really low.

And I was like, yeah, yeah.

I hate not doing it.

You just said, let's get him or Jim.

Yeah, I could.

But then by that point, yeah, then we had to do the con and shit.

So I was like, all right, well.

And that didn't do anything to like boost it.

It didn't boost it?

No, I mean,

we did the vulgar screening and Q ⁇ A, which was fun.

It was later than I would have liked it.

But then to me, like, that's and every con is the same thing.

The panel is the high.

It's like a rush.

And then anything after that is like, like, that peaks.

And then anything after that is just down.

So doing a panel is a rush.

Yeah.

Like, now, what if if somebody feels it's like

the exact opposite.

I f like we have a panel coming up and I absolutely dread it and don't want any part of it.

What am I dealing with?

I mean, why do you dread it?

Is it because you don't want to speak in front of people?

Yeah, the expectations of people staring at me and demanding an answer.

So, I mean, it sounds a little bit like stage fright.

It has to be more serious than that.

Stage fright sounds like you're supposed to be aware of it.

Is it human heart race?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Does my back sweat?

Performance anxiety type stuff.

I mean, you could.

Well, he never has that.

Don't accuse him of that.

Yeah.

No performance anxiety.

Performance we're talking about.

I mean, you can take all that.

Because

he brings it home.

Yeah.

No, like,

what would you do to help that?

You can take

any fucking meds.

I tried to give him Xanax.

It works.

He won't take it.

I've had the same problem.

I've done it.

And it works.

It's crazy.

Like, I had to stand in front of and present, they call it Morning Report in the hospital, and there's like you know, 35 doctors there, and basically the older ones, the attendings, they sit there and yell at you and dress you down in front of everyone and make you look like an idiot for not doing things.

And so I've never wanted to be an old doctor as much as I do right now.

So I, you know, I took

it's a beta blocker medication, so it kind of calms down your nervous system, keeps your heart rate even and stuff.

And I was given my thing, and you know what?

everything they said i just didn't care you're like it's all good old fox i'm almost dead i'm i'm anti-meds though if i was i won't i'm one of those catholics that won't take medications like antibiotics i can't dispense them and i won't take them

yeah he's a godcipio like you know like a

i haven't taken born-again christian

outside of buffering i don't know when the last time i took a medication i couldn't even tell you it's got to be like 20 maybe when i had mono

i you shouldn't take medication for mono, though.

Whatever they gave me.

Whatever medicine they gave me.

Antibiotics maybe they gave me.

I don't know what they gave me.

So, do you have like any physical health problems, like high blood pressure or high cholesterol?

I don't believe in that either.

I don't want to go to a doctor.

I haven't been to a doctor either.

Yeah, if I ask, I'm going to find out, and I don't want to find out.

But

I haven't taken a medicine.

I'm buffering, aspirin.

I'll take an aspirin when I feel like I can't take it and when I want to bite it's either that or bite leather.

I'll take the bufferin.

I'll cool cool out

with a buffer.

So, what if I'm not going to take medicine?

How do I handle the feelings of dread?

So, I mean, you could do like an exposure therapy kind of like it's yeah, get his ass on a plane, man.

Get his ass on a plane.

Yeah, I won't go on a plane either.

Yeah, I was telling him on my flight out here, I was thinking about you, and I was thinking that you were probably just trying to bathroom.

He's like, I'm kind of in the mile high club.

Because there was so much

There was so much turbulence.

Oh, it was a rough one.

You were scared.

Yeah,

I got a little bit anxious.

It was more than you usually experience in a plane.

So, do you feel like less, like, you don't feel like you got to keep it together for

a wife?

I did.

Yeah, I was like, there's nothing.

You're like, don't worry, honey.

Yeah, my head.

I'm like,

yeah, because

I feel like we're all going to die.

If you're married to, like, or your father is a doctor, psychiatrist, and he shows stress, then you know, it's like, oh, it's fucking DEF CON 4.

Right?

Or one, which is the worst.

Or one, which is the worst.

DEF CON 1?

Yeah, that's the worst.

Is that the worst one?

If he's DEF CON 1, then you know it's like it's.

Were you DEF CON 1?

No, I wasn't DEF CON 1.

Sustained his pants.

No, I mean...

And it's not like you're married to some slob, man.

Like, he's got a hot wife.

Who Quinn hit on, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Quinn hit on.

He's got a trip about five minutes.

Years and years and years ago.

Yeah, Quinn.

We had a barbecue and Q came over and proceeded to get real drunk.

And like was kind of.

Yeah, shockingly.

And then proceeded to kind of hit on her, get all flirty and shit.

Was he a joker at that point?

No, he wasn't even a joker.

I don't even, was he a fireman at that point?

He was a fireman.

I mean, yeah, and the way he, how did he do it?

So he used my nephew who was in high school.

And remember, he was like, you got to pay attention to this uncle.

Not the fucking human she is.

Yeah,

he was trying to butter her up and shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's beautiful and shit, huh?

Right?

And then you got her.

You beat a joker.

You beat a joker, man.

That's fucking complicated.

So if you diagnose Brian as bipolar, what's cute and?

I mean, I would have to maybe spend more time with him.

I mean, he sounds like he, just based off knowing him a little bit and then hearing him on the show describe his moods, he sounds more along maybe like major depressive disorder.

Really?

Cyclothymia?

No.

He sounds like he gets most depressed.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like sometimes he'll come on and I actually feel bad for him.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

But I feel bad for him too when he

depressed me.

Completely and utterly.

He's like, I feel bad for him.

I actually think you're, I don't think you have any problems.

Oh, Oh my god.

Time of Steve Gabe.

Oh,

hear that, everyone.

I've been telling you that for fucking seven years, and now we got a fucking doctor backing me up.

I knew it all along.

I knew it from fucking day one.

I'm cutting that shit out.

There's no more perfect ending.

No more perfect ending.

Been damn near 20, but I still feel your ghost

Must have followed me out here when I ran from the coast

While you've gotten my attention,

let me raise a toast

Tell you what I wonder the most

What would you be thinking if you saw me today?

If I could hear your voice, tell me what would it say

Probably insulting, but an anger to play.

Never could tell back in the day.

When my confidence is shaken,

it's bound to be already bite.

Whether or not your words are taken,

I have to stop and think twice.

Been damn near 20, but I still feel the burn

of all those lessons I failed to learn.

Made me feel so small,

but somehow I yearn

for your misspoken concern.

Wonder what you'd say if I could pick up the phone.

Would you give me help

for being alone?

Ask me why I have no family of my own.

And how'd you feel if I made it known?

I fear I treat my family coldly.

Make them bitter and distress.

Tell them the same cruel things you told me.

And make them feel second miss.

Been remnant 20, but I still hear your voice

trying to tell me that I have a choice

to let the past go,

redegene my poise.

Enjoy what I have now and rejoice.

Easier said than done,

easier said than done,

easier said than done,

easier said than done.

This has been a production of Smodco Internet Radio, sir, only at Smodcast.com.