#328: Take a Blow

Yeah, I don't think they're sagging.

I think they're big,

but I don't think that they're so big that they become cumbersome.

I can't poop.

Stomach hurts.

I peacock around the house, so I'm like, I'm smarter than Smith.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

I'm not saying in a bad way, but I mean,

I always thought you assumed you were.

Not about everything.

But most things.

A lot of things.

Not most.

You've joined us in the middle of a conversation.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell Him Steve Dave.

If you hate, get him, tune out now.

If you hate me, tune out now.

No way you hate Walt.

It's not happening, right?

Well, that's why I've been getting some hate mail.

Oh, my God.

I've been getting some harsh, heinous hate mail.

It's come to that.

Our goal is to be universally beloved.

We're just not seven years.

We still haven't hit the mark.

I mean, you say it.

You say that mockingly.

But that really was.

But that kind of was my goal ever since I turned my whole

persona around.

I haven't had to deal with somebody, but somebody actually like real, like, harsh, like, cruel stuff.

Are you sure it wasn't meant for me and you opened it?

No, no, it was all about the teeth.

It was all about how I'm stupid.

It was all about how,

oddly enough, too, about how I'm using Apple products, which I thought was strange.

It's definitely from a mental case.

That's the sign of a sellout using Apple?

I don't know.

Yeah, I have no idea why.

But

BF,

something they told me when I figured out what it was, it was BuckTooth Fuck Tard.

But they were using initials to try to

make their point.

Did you have to get him the super smart guy to fucking decode that for you?

Yeah.

Use a simple substitution.

Maybe I'll get Brian to decode that.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Johnson?

If you want it decoded wrong, you'll use Johnson.

Yeah, if you want to know what it doesn't say.

So somebody wrote in to get him and said that they don't like his faux intellectualism, his pseudo-intellectualism.

They feel

like

he's not as smart as

he thinks he is or as he claims to be.

But I mean,

how important is being smart to you?

I don't know if it's about being smart.

It's not that important.

No, it's about being smart about knowing things.

How important is it

on the 10?

Well, no, no, I want, but how important is it for you?

Because I, if I don't hear the right number come out of your mouth, I'm going to have to call you on it, though.

Because I feel for you, I think it's pretty damn high the way that you go on attack if somebody says something and you feel that's not the accurate answer.

How smart is it?

I mean, how important is it for you to make sure that somebody knows that you know the answer?

I wouldn't say it's as important as

them knowing the right answer.

Come on.

What?

How important is it for you to make sure that you interject and tell everybody the answer?

Well, on a scale of one to ten.

On a scale of one to ten,

seven and a half.

Oh, man, you're full of it.

Oh, it's higher?

It's a hard nine going.

If not a 10.

He's the boderic of fucking pseudo intelligence.

If I could crank it to 11, I would.

He definitely has an issue with,

you know, what you ever hear, like, you know,

maybe you don't have to.

The smartest guy is not always the most talkative guy.

Have you ever heard

that analogy or something like that?

But

he cannot, like, if he hears something that he thinks is wrong, I don't think it's within you to hold, to bite your tongue.

I don't think you have that ability to bite your tongue.

So, is it more important for him to be right or more important for someone else to be proven wrong?

It's a good question.

I don't know.

I mean, I've already, I mean, I'm not even going to, you can ask me how important it is for me to be right, and I'll tell you it's not important at all.

Sometimes I'll say stuff on here that

I don't care if it's wrong.

I bear witness to you purposely saying shit.

You know it's wrong.

It's not important to me.

There's certain things are important, but that's not that important to me.

What are you looking at?

What are you doing over there?

You're not paying attention.

He's like, I was just thinking about that time.

You're wrong about something.

I marked it on my calendar.

What are you texting and shit?

No, it's just.

So, is it just a know-it-all?

Just using my apple.

All day long type shit.

That'd be so annoying.

I don't know.

I don't want to say it's a know-it-all because sometimes I welcome the

knowledge.

But other times,

it can become a little irritating because it's not important enough

to

make a big deal about, like correcting and

injecting and correcting and

this need, almost like a tick to do it.

Like, it's almost an OCD thing you're saying?

It could be.

I don't want to say it because I don't think it is, but it could be.

Maybe you're just an asshole.

But is it possible for you to have a conversation, and if somebody says something you know is completely wrong, for you to not correct it?

Or is that, is that, or you just cannot abide by that?

It's, it's, it's,

it's not nuts, it's just tough.

Oh, yeah, you know, this bracelet helps me keep my balance and everything else like that.

Oh, you're that guy.

You need to tell them that it's not true, that their brass,

their copper belt isn't going to keep them from.

Well, you don't wear yours anymore because you just have that bracelet, right?

That's right.

Yeah, no.

Get them shamed you.

No, I lost that.

I was watching a vet show the other day, and one of the vet technicians had one of those

rope necklaces that the baseball players wear.

That's supposed to help their pitch.

And I'm just sitting there going,

I could not trust something that someone who wears that says to me because it's just like, okay, if you believe in that, I'm.

But you see, professional major league pitchers use it and have good.

And they're professional major league pitchers with or without that.

The gain on their performance that that could give is probably negligible.

It's probably in the realm of a placebo effect.

And

now he says, look at all the big fucking $10 words he's using now.

Placebo.

Placebo, negligible.

What was the other thing?

I don't know.

It's like the

Kinesio tape that you'll see, like the.

Kinesio.

You've seen it like the.

No, it's a tape like the.

Well, I knew you'd drop that one.

You'll see it on the volleyball players.

It's like blue or colored tape, like in a special pattern.

Yeah, and that's supposed to

channel your chi or some stuff like that.

And it's.

So you don't believe in chi either?

No, not really.

I definitely believe in cheese.

Especially on my fries.

Chi, I don't know.

But you don't think that there's maybe something to it, like just if you believe enough.

That's what I was saying, the placebo effect.

But

a lot of these people are at the top and peak of their.

If you're in the Olympics, you're at the peak of performance.

I mean,

you would say, I mean, there's not really much more that that could do.

Otherwise, they'd probably be banning it as a performance-enhancing device if it actually could be tested and proven real.

But maybe they were wearing it the whole time, and they're like, this is what got me here.

I mean,

sports people are the most superstitious people on earth, right?

So they're like, I got a rope necklace.

I'm wearing this rope necklace.

You think it could be like holding a duck?

You're right.

But

you're saying here, though, tonight, though, that if a necklace or a brass, you know, see that thing that Brett Favre is putting on the side of the city?

It's a compression, it's a compression slit.

It's copper, right?

It's copper-infused, yes.

Are you sitting here going to tell me, though, if it was proven to work that it should be banned from professional sports?

If it's a performing enhancing device, then they've banned plenty of things like a full.

Well, what about fucking contact lenses then?

What do you mean?

Should people,

let's say you need to wear glasses.

You're a professional athlete.

Should you be allowed to wear contact lenses?

Yeah, just like you should be able to welcome.

Well, if it enhances their performance, doesn't it?

But it's not something that it's

a copper, a copper garter belt, whatever the hell it is, or a girdle.

A cumber button.

Everybody can wear one, but if you choose not to, why should you take it away from Brett Favre?

I'm just saying that I don't believe that it works.

But if it does work, you think it should be banned.

It depends.

There's like in swimming, they banned full body suits because that gave some people an uncompetitive advantage.

Full body swimsuits because it cut down on resistance and was actually an unfair advantage.

Yeah.

That might be nice.

But because some of these suits cost like tens of thousands of dollars, it's beyond the reach of a normal athlete.

They need a sponsorship to get it, and it's an unfair advantage.

I think there is nude Olympics.

I don't think it's a good one.

I don't think it ever seems like that.

Isn't that one wrestling thing almost nude?

The Turkish wrestling?

I think there was nude Olympics.

I think actually the very first Olympics were performed.

Oh, yeah, in Greece, right?

Yeah, I think they were.

Everybody's covered in olive oil, too.

Initially, they all, I think, I don't know, when clothes started to become

probably when it got televised.

When people are like,

their balls are getting crushed.

Wait a minute.

What sport are they, unless it's skiing?

I mean, what sport in the Summer Olympics can their balls get crushed in?

Water polo?

There's lots of kicking in the pool.

What, and a swimsuit's going to protect it?

Or the high jump, like that pole comes down right in your butthole and shit.

Or the pole vault?

Yeah.

The discus throw, so you might throw a disc into your nuts.

I think that's still going to go in, even if you got them.

You got these silky shorts on.

It holds them closer to the body, though.

They're not dangling.

Like, you know, if you're capping long nuts, they're out there a couple inches.

But if you're capping long nuts, you're probably an Olympic-level athlete, though.

Really?

I think nobody has big balls in the Olympics.

Saggy.

Right.

They got balls.

Because they're all young.

So they're not sagging.

And you're right.

Yeah, I don't think they're sagging.

I think they're big,

but I don't think that they're so big that they become cumbersome.

Big testosterone-filled balls.

That's just on the female athletes.

Well, from China anyway.

When you're seeing some of the Chinese swimmers, it's like, oh, my God.

How did this deal?

Well,

they have to take tests, right?

They do.

And they pass the test, so then who are you to say that they're not

female?

I'm nobody.

We all know that.

Well, you and Ginnam are going, like, Ginim's talking about banning copper belts.

You're talking about banning Chinese women.

Banning men from women swimming.

It's just bad they won't let him in the pool.

Did you ever, Giddam, did you ever have a goal?

We talked about this a little bit last week.

And yeah, like upon re-listening, when I was editing it, you did call us both failures, Walter.

I said you did call us both failures.

Because you're like, did I use the word failure?

Like, later on.

Did I?

Oh, I Paul.

You're definitely not failures.

Not a chance.

You know what?

That was just me getting heated because you guys were laughing at my idea.

You know, I was taking a

personal offense at that, so then I'll say anything in the heat of battle.

Wow.

He didn't mean he thought of us like Simmy.

Why is that what Simmy does?

No, Simmy stole his idea and laughed at it.

Well, I mean, you know,

I mean, I felt like I put a lot of hard work into that, and then to sit there and have everybody scoff at it, you know,

it got me hot under the collar for a second.

You're right, though.

I don't remember him calling Simmy a failure.

But, yeah, no, definitely not failures.

Neither one of you is.

Not overachievers.

No.

I think I may be an overachiever this year, though.

In 2017?

2017, I think, is a.

I think that's a year overachief.

Or just achieve.

I guess anything would be overachieving.

I got a lot of, what do they call them?

Get them.

You're the smart guy here.

A lot of irons in the fire.

Is that what they say?

Yeah, Brands in the Fire.

A bunch of irons in the fire, some you know about.

Walt, I'm going to get a lot of shit though.

I've been working on lots of stuff.

How's the Fitbit working out?

I don't know.

I'm wearing my fucking movement watch right now.

Yeah, I haven't been.

When I get back from Lexington, I'm going to attack that.

I was thinking about going on the Trevor Resnick diet.

You ever see The Machinist?

I've heard of it.

Christian Bell plays this guy who

suffers from extreme insomnia.

And he's super skinny, like not Batman physique at all.

And for like four months, he ate an apple and and a can of tuna fish, and then he would eat like salads here and there.

And he lost 63 pounds in four months.

And like, when you see him in the movie, I'll pull up a picture of him.

Dude, it's fucking crazy looking.

Yeah.

Like, oh, it's sick.

Yeah, Matt.

We probably have a doctor monitoring him the whole time, right?

Probably, because I know Matt did it, Matt Damon did it for

one movie, and he fucked himself up.

Really?

Ripley?

No.

It was a war movie.

And

he

fucked himself up, how?

Like some of his internal organs and shit.

Had to be replaced?

Yeah, he had upset him.

You throw off your enzyme levels.

Like they say, Morgan Spurlock, when he did that Supersize Me,

that afterwards, his liver levels were abnormal.

But because he never had them tested originally, it's tough to tell if they weren't already out of whack.

Irreversible harm?

No, it was.

I didn't think it was reversible.

What about Ben?

Did he have irreversible harm?

Matt?

No.

Yeah,

I think he eventually sort of like

his shit settled itself.

But here's Christian Bell and the machinist.

Oh, my God.

That's fucking crazy looking, right?

What's that?

He looks like CGI.

He looks like he was in the fucking Holocaust or something.

Yeah, that can't be healthy.

And then here he is regular, like, I guess, in Batman or something.

Yeah, he looks far healthier in Batman.

Yeah.

If he was that fighting weight in the machinist,

he came on instead of Batman, you think they'd think they'd go through with the film?

I think they'd be like, dude.

We got another character for him.

Well, that was one of the, when he had that

meltdown on the,

I can't remember, I think it was Batman with McJay.

They were saying he's such a method actor that just anything throwing him off just makes him go insane.

He's an American hustle, all fat and shit.

Oh, wow.

I got the same physique as Christian Bell, kinda.

What do they call that?

Dad,

the dad bud.

Yeah.

Do you buy that?

What?

Do you buy that

he's that you know that that's him just using an excuse to

blow up?

It could.

You think that he's like, I'm so such a perfectionist or a method actor that I think if he feels that like he's

so he that is an excuse for him to be able to go off and I think it'd be frustrating professional.

I think it'd be frustrating.

Like Like, if you're recording a scene,

trying to get the scene going for maybe like an hour or two, and you just think that you've gotten it just right, and some idiot just walks through the back of the shot and ruins it, you're going to get upset.

I mean, I remember the crew came after me that one time.

I popped open a can of Coke.

I had it under the counter.

I just cracked it, and they came right at me with the camera face.

Oh, so why didn't you want this can of soda?

Why'd you want this can of soda?

Yeah, I remember that.

It's not as if we were doing anything all that hard that, like, you you know, like some like take 15 or something.

Yeah, they do that.

It's, it's, I always love when someone who should know better does it.

Like, like, Mike will be peeking in the door as we're shooting, like, shooting towards the door, and they're like, What the fuck is he doing?

This was, I remember I had a stomach ache, and like I said, I had it below the counter and everything, and they it just happened to be the perfect volume.

I can't poop.

The stomach hurts.

So, how did you guys, um,

do on International Women's Day, Day Without a Woman?

These is what they're calling it.

Because I did read some people said not to support businesses that weren't owned by women.

And they boycotted businesses not owned by women.

Do you feel like you guys might have been boycotted today?

I'm not sure.

Or was it the normal amount of women?

I don't, yeah, I don't feel that there was any

boycotts

done

to the store today.

It's not getting as much hoopah as I thought it would.

I think on social media it is, but it's not, yeah, it's not like.

I didn't hear anybody talking about it in real life.

Right.

Because I went out today to do a few different things, and

I read, actually, one of the 13 percenters wrote that I guess somebody gave her her shit because she was going to work.

Oh, yeah.

So, oh, if you're not going to be able to do that.

And so

they're shaming you.

Yeah, they're shaming other women if you're not

now.

Do you have to, now for it to count?

Let's say you were just like, I'm going to call out sick.

I'm just going to say, like, call the boss, be like, I can't come in today.

Sorry.

Oh, that's nothing to do with Women's Day.

I'm really sick.

But it really, you really were.

You just didn't want to get in trouble, though.

Would that count?

Or would you still get like,

no, no, you have to say, you have to, if you don't say what the cause is, why you're staying home,

you might as well go to work.

No, I think that

you adopt a mentality like Malcolm X.

You're like, by any means, necessary.

So if I'm going to pretend I'm sick and be like,

come in.

So that would be all right.

I wanted to take work.

She wanted to work?

Of course she did.

You know why?

Because.

I don't even know if she knew about it, to be honest with you.

That's one reason.

I'm going to go on a limb here.

I'm like, I don't think she even realized that today was a day she should have stayed.

I'm surprised your girls weren't all about it.

Like, I would expect.

School?

Well, no, like, hey, it's Women's Day.

Fuck you, Dad.

Oh, yeah.

They were like, I'm not going to school tomorrow.

I was like, why?

It's Women's Day.

And it's like, that ain't playing.

I go, you got to still go to school.

You're just taking a day off just because you saw something on the internet.

I'm sick.

Yeah, I got to say, I respect, I more respect the

teachers.

I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck, man.

This is how, look,

this is ridiculous that in this world we need this shit, that we need day without an immigrant, day without a woman, day without this or that.

I think it's absurd.

I think it's absurd they're doing it.

I think it's absurd that anyone,

that it's necessary.

Well, it's like everybody,

everybody's equal.

We all know this.

I say a lot of shit and I fuck around a lot.

But not everybody knows it.

Who doesn't know?

There's a lot of people who don't know it.

Like who?

Well, I'm not talking about

other countries.

There's a lot of people

who

will do things a certain way because of

someone's gender or someone's.

Well, how dare you assume that they have a gender?

What if they're gender fluid?

You fucking pig.

Now, you're not being honest.

You know it's true.

There's thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of instances daily of people who treat people differently because of

their

gender.

It's just, you know it's true.

Oh, no, I'm not saying it's not true.

I'm saying it's fucked up that it's necessary.

Oh, it's fucked up that it's necessary.

I think think it's fucked up that people do it.

Yeah.

That people have to make a stand like this.

Yeah.

In 2017.

I'm not as smart as Goodham.

I'm not going to pretend I understand the pay gap because I hear on one hand it's like, oh, well, women make less than men.

And then on the other hand, it's like, well, women don't do the same jobs, therefore, statistically, it's like, because I can't imagine a woman going in and a guy.

Let's say you were to hire a woman.

You wouldn't be like, hey, man, I'll pay you $4 an hour.

You would give them the same as anyone else.

Yeah, but you know, that's not always the case with

every job.

But I wonder if you can technically pay women less for the job than a man would do, wouldn't some of these businesses just hire a bunch of women and save all that money?

I mean, if you're saving 25% of a salary just because you hired a woman, you hire four people,

you saved 100% of a salary.

True.

Rather than get rid of it, you're talking yourself out of a job.

yeah, I just don't like it, man.

I don't like that people feel they have to do this shit or that they feel like it.

Well, yeah, but you don't like that they feel that way, but just because you don't like it doesn't mean that the world

isn't the way it is.

Yeah.

You wish it was different.

Yeah, I do.

You wish it was

like you wish it was a Shangri-La, man.

Yeah, utopia.

But at the same time,

I have to say, like, I went out, I did things today, I had to run some errands and shit, and

my day wasn't affected affected in the least.

What about Suzanne?

Did she do anything differently to make sure that she

brought it home, put it right in your face?

Like, hey, this is why I'm doing this today or why I'm not doing something today.

Yeah, she spit today.

I was like, how dare you?

She's like, this is a solid area with my sisters.

Why am I getting hate mail?

Why, like,

that person who said that to me, why would you write that to me?

Because you're not Teflon like he is.

But yeah, I was.

I was on the road there.

I had surpassed those, both of those guys.

I was.

I was coming into a place

that, like, I really could, like, you know, I was receiving no backlash.

All of a sudden, no, that's just a turnaround now.

You can't please all the people all the time.

I'm trying.

I'm trying, man.

Even Abraham Lincoln's.

Did you ever see that dog underneath this poker table, man?

I look like I'm just talking calmly, but I'm paddling like a motherfucker under here, trying to make sure everybody loves me.

You're just trying to tread water and not go under.

I got you.

But yeah,

still, though,

get him right.

You can't please everyone, man.

Well, I mean, I'm not going to make it my, that's my 2017 resolution to please everyone, though.

But I think.

Well,

you're already fucked it up.

You're getting hate mail.

I think our plan for the 14th for a day without a fat person, I think that's going to definitely have more traction than March 14th?

Yes.

So

you're a Monday or Tuesday?

Or is it one day you come here to work?

I'm not sure.

I was going to say, get ready for that shit.

Doesn't matter.

I'm still going to be solidary to my fat brothers and sisters.

I don't know.

So now a day without men, is that next?

Or

that'll never happen, right?

Because really, who cares?

Well,

yeah,

I don't know why

on one hand, I think it's a good sign that you're upset that

we live in a world where people do have to make these stands.

I think that is

that's admirable that you're upset that like

people

are forced to do these things.

I think that's

really

good.

I think that

nobody could be upset with you no matter what you say because deep down, that's how you really feel.

It is.

Although I disagree with this lady on Twitter, we are not broads.

We are not babes.

We are not honeys.

We are women.

Now,

again,

let's be realistic about it.

Sometimes you look at a girl and you're like, wow, she's a babe.

Am I right, Giddam?

Yeah.

Just like a woman would look at a guy, not me or Giddam, but would look at a guy and be like, or me.

Yeah.

Look, the three of us, our time, it never came.

I would like to say it passed.

It never came.

It never was.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're not male model hotties.

Like, girls, some women, they want to act like women don't slobber over guys or movie stars or like, oh my God, he's so hot and all this other shit.

Many do, just like some guys don't.

Right.

Not everybody's Ming.

Speaking of which, you tell Ming,

tell me how you translate this.

Ming went to pick up his daughter at school today, right?

And it's her 12th birthday.

Yeah?

Today.

Yep.

Wow, 12 years old.

It's fucking crazy, right?

Wow.

Yeah, I know the feeling.

What I'm about to tell you is even crazier.

Suzanne's picking up Sage,

and I guess the conversation turned towards, you know, her birthday.

And Suzanne was like, oh, what are you doing?

And Ming's like, oh, we're just having something small, you know, just like family and close friends.

Now.

Well, you weren't one of the close friends.

I mean, I'm here, aren't I?

I'm not at a birthday party.

Where's Suzanne?

Who's that?

No.

Well, I think that there's, I mean, there's been

a deterioration of you and Ming's relationship.

I don't think that's.

It's over the mics.

That's what I'm thinking.

He might not want you in his house just because you might excuse yourself to go as you use the bathroom and start searching the cabinets for the microphone.

Looking for the mics.

I know they're here, you motherfucker.

I mean, you deny that

your relationship has gone through some really rough spots.

I mean,

some nasty jabs online,

some very real

anger directed from him to you, towards you to him.

I mean, it's not the, I would not say that you guys are as close as you once were.

Still, who are his close friends then?

That's what I'm wondering.

Oh, I don't think.

Well, I wouldn't want to say that.

I'll say it then.

You don't think he has any?

I don't think Mike's partying tonight.

I'm wondering, who are these close friends?

He's Skyping in.

They're Skyping in.

Well, these close friends may be her school friends.

That's true.

Classmates.

He did not clarify, so.

Yeah, I mean, but again, no.

Can I just crash the party?

I know where he lives.

I don't think that he would consider you a close friend anymore.

All because I don't show up to a con or two.

I think there's other things.

I think it comes from a multitude of things.

I think it all leads back to that.

I think it all leads back to one thing.

For some reason, he could not abide by the fact that you didn't show up to a con.

And somehow, I guess he felt it was personally.

I don't know if it affected him, maybe in his pocket, maybe it did.

I don't know if it did or not.

But there's no doubt I've never seen him more angry about anything in my life.

I've never seen a dog angry, really.

Right.

Until

you stopped, you still started your habitual no-shows at cons.

That, like, sent him away.

I thought that started immediately.

Well, you know what I mean.

Like, you know, over, you know, missing this one, missing this one over and over and over again, it sent him into a rage where he was sending me texts,

no more fucking favors.

I was like, what is this fucking guy talking about favors?

How many favors is he doing?

I don't know what he said.

I guess he meant like maybe he got me.

He was taking it out of me, I guess, for showing up or my privacy.

I thought personally, I thought maybe he was talking to me personally, but then maybe I thought he was talking about like for Tell him Steve Davey wasn't going to do any more projects.

I don't know.

I have no idea.

All I do know is that he was legitimately furious.

Yeah.

He's calmed down some.

Right, but I do think that there has been.

I mean, you're going to deny it or you think it's...

I mean, you're not at the party.

Yeah.

How could I deny it?

I'm in denial.

Yeah.

I'm like, me and Ming are best friends.

Yet I'm not at the party.

Yeah, I guess I couldn't deny it.

You're right.

I mean, I wouldn't be.

I mean, really.

Well, maybe he doesn't want to bring me around in front of decent folk.

Good company, maybe.

So

you could have spent the the night at Ming Chen's, or you could spend it here with me and get him.

Right.

Come on.

It's a no-brainer.

Come on.

Smartest guy in the room.

Yeah.

And he'll get him.

Me.

I didn't show up to a party I wasn't invited to.

You have a lot of engagements when you got kids, right?

Like, too many?

Did your girls have a lot of friends?

Or do they have a lot of friends where you're always driving them to something?

I do my share of driving, you know picking up my daughter and her friends and

you know somebody other parent will drive them here then somebody else has to pick them up you know yeah that that that happens it has to it's part of

it's part of being a parent

how old were they when they started like commandeering the radio

you know what

They have their phones and they don't need the radio.

They just listen to their little...

Put their buds in?

They prefer to put their buds in.

They just get in and zone out.

Father's daughter, man.

Taught them well.

But last night,

me and Alicia went to dinner.

It was just me and her, and she forgot her buds.

And she was like, go back and let me get my buds.

I was like, why?

I go, I'm not driving all the way back so you can get your buds because we're going for a five to ten minute drive to the restaurant.

I go, I go, no.

I go, just put, you can listen to the radio, I said.

And she couldn't find, even on satellite, she couldn't find anything.

She could not find any kind of music that she liked.

She is not into that.

I completely empathize with her.

I told her to put on.

Well, they got a 90s bullshit station on satellite.

You know, so, but yeah, why has Sage been taking over the radio?

Oh, yeah.

She has a preference for music.

Every morning on the way to school.

How is she hearing it?

I think she's hearing it online.

Like on, I got her a laptop for her birthday.

And she, when she and Suzanne drive around together, I think they listen to all this corny shit.

Well, that's it.

Like Z100 type stuff.

Yeah, whatever.

Awesome.

But like, it's gotten to the point where, you know, like,

she'll be like, turn on the radio, like, she'll turn on the radio.

And if it's, first off, if it's a guy singing, she immediately dismisses it.

She doesn't like it.

She doesn't want to hear it, huh?

It has to be a girl singing, and it has to be about, like, love songs and shit.

Like, if she hears the word love, then she's like, all right, I'm in.

Does it matter?

Does that matter?

As long as the song's about love, that's all she cares about.

Oh, that's nice.

It's not, though.

It's the longest fucking 20-minute ride.

You should put your buds in.

I should, right?

Like, I don't hear a fucking

honest

or she should be the one putting the goddamn buds in.

Tell Suzanne the drive.

You're going to sit in the back and put your buds in.

Just wait.

Well, we don't all go.

It's just me and Sage.

Bring the dog.

My parents got a new dog.

Did they?

It was just like it was a two-year-old.

Rescue?

Well, some might say that, others might say they just adopted it.

Where'd they get it at?

The ASPCA.

So they rescued us, yeah.

Sure, why not?

It's not like you're rushed into the gas chamber and fucking carried it.

It's not like the SPCA is breeding them.

It's either surrenders or dogs

that they rescue from abuse.

Does the ASPCA, at a certain point,

if no one adopts a dog, do they have to put it down?

I don't know.

Is that a kill shelter over there?

I am not sure if...

I am not sure.

So, why would you deny them the

again?

It's not like they're breeding them, so it's

just

a little bit of feel-good valor of

allowing them to proclaim they've rescued the dog.

I'll tell you why.

Because they get a fucking dog, and they pay as much attention to it as they did to me when I was a kid.

So, less like I bring the dog with me on a ride, or I go get the dog and take him for a walk, or play

tennis ball and shit.

Right.

The dog's just sitting around.

Whose idea was to get it?

Pam had this idea that Edgar wanted a dog.

How does your mom, at this stage of her

marriage,

how does she have ideas without firm, firm, firm knowledge that that's the case?

How are you wrong at this stage?

You would think you would like, it's like

he breathes and she finishes, and she finishes the breath, you know?

I mean, it should be so in sync at this stage that

there's no mistakes of like, well, I thought he wanted a dog.

They're in sync on certain things.

Like,

this is fucking mind-blowing.

This is like, they're old.

Like, they've crossed the threshold into old, where, like, my mother's constantly afraid of getting sick, like, constantly.

As if she has, like, a compromised immune system or something.

But they both have iPhones.

They have the same fucking ringer.

So when a phone rings, every time they're like, is that me or you?

Is that me or you?

Is that mine or yours?

I'm like, change the fucking ringer.

Just change it on one of them.

And it's cranked up to the top volume.

And it's like one of the, it's not even like a cool song from when they were young.

It's like one of the like very standard tones and shit.

And I'm like, I don't get it, man.

I don't.

Is that going to be me?

Like, I fucking really hope it's not.

Oh, you and Suzanne dressing alike, same ring tones.

Ah!

Going to blind fits.

Is that you or me?

Yeah, remember that International Women's Day years ago when

guess what?

I got you a dog just like you wanted.

Did I?

Did I say that?

I guess I must have.

You didn't have to.

When you breathe, I finish it.

When your phone rings, my rings, we don't know.

Both have each other's voicemail messages.

Hi, it's Prime Suzanne.

We can't get to the phone.

Oh my god.

Promise me you would fucking shoot me if it ever came to that.

Why, it's not, it's not like everything is the road, isn't it?

The road isn't geared toward that, isn't pointed toward achieving that level of unity.

Domestic bliss.

If it was going to happen.

So you're saying that it's it's unlikely that you guys can achieve that that level of like one?

I say it's highly unlikely that in 20 years I will be like, is that your phone or mine?

I'll have killed us both

by that point.

If I don't kill myself on the way to school listening to Sage's

music.

And she

picked this up at school.

If I put on one of my songs, she'll go gay

and turn the channel on me.

I think somebody at school taught her the word gay.

I don't think so.

No, I don't use it in front of her.

I swear I don't.

I would tell you if I did.

But what kid in school is saying that?

She has no idea what gay even means.

I don't know.

She learns a lot of shit from her friend, this girl Kayla.

I'm like, where'd you hear that?

And she'll be like, Kayla.

And this girl, Kayla.

But is she telling the truth or is she just blaming Kayla in case she does want to get in trouble?

I don't know.

I mean,

it's her best friend, so

she could find a better scapegoat.

Where'd you learn that word?

Probably going to be a better scapegoat.

Just like some random name that I don't know.

She's smarter than.

She's a smart one.

She'll be like Randy.

And I'd be like, ooh, that Randy.

You know, not knowing if it's a girl or a boy.

Maybe they don't know either.

Okay.

Talk about the crate you received last month.

I've stopped receiving my crates.

Oh, yeah.

I have.

Oh, yeah.

I'm still getting getting my crate.

You're getting crate after crate?

Did you change your address?

Sweet.

I did.

I think so.

I don't know.

Maybe somebody else is getting my crate.

I mean, Pam's just stacking them.

Yeah.

They get two crates so they can have all the same shit, just like they're fucking

be the envy of your friends

and get your 100% exclusive crates at lootcrate.com.

Are there people who are like, man, I envy that guy?

Because isn't that the difference?

Isn't that the the difference between jealousy and envy?

Like, jealousy is something that it's like,

Kanye is an awesome rapper.

I'll never be that good of a rapper.

Where envy is like, man, he got a fucking awesome loot crate box.

I can get an awesome loot crate box.

Envy is within reach.

Jealousy is like

something you can't have.

Envy is you don't want them to have it.

And jealousy is, or jealousy is you don't want them to have it.

Envy is you wish you had it as well.

You ever experienced that?

No, not about loot crate, let's be realistic.

About everything else in life, though.

Kanye's confidence.

Have you ever felt that about like, have you ever been that emotion ever

come up on you?

I would say, I would say, envy.

Like, I wish I had that, but I would say I've never been to the point where I'm, I don't want them to have it either.

No,

you don't begrudge people anything, huh?

If they got it, they got it.

Please.

Oh, yeah?

You've seen it?

Oh, yeah.

He's not in choir boy.

He makes himself out to be.

He's quite the petty motherfucker.

Are we talking about physical things or

anything there's certain people that you definitely like like okay like people have like if we're talking about like television shows sometimes that you know i hit that point like well i'm not talking about television i'm talking about comic book man

i'm not talking about comic book shows i'm talking about comic book shows you know television shows like who has who quinn no no i talk about like the like the alaskan bush people i can't stand that show and i i despise them and nope no i'm not talking about that either i'm talking about your obsession You're a fucking Eskimo hater?

No, the Alaska bush people, not Eskimos.

Yeah,

it's as hard as.

Who's the man you're obsessed with and trying to expose and trying to Bobby B?

Yeah, it's just a bizarre.

So it's not me though.

No, it's not.

No, yeah, no.

He's convinced me that he's smarter than you, so he's let that one die.

No, he comes in and he makes these verbose and grandiose claims that it's just like, okay, now I got to deflate them.

Oh,

he's taking customers down a peg or two?

No, no, Bobby B.

Who's

Rob Roosevelt?

It's a bizarre fascination, obsession.

That I kind of get because

he is

a very sort of histrionic type guy who will come in and start saying shit.

And he doesn't bother me.

Yeah, but

to the point where you're going to do some sort of online investigation to

see if he's telling the truth.

And, well, this leads to here, and I figured this out.

Let me

look at this.

And they're like, okay, I have this gigantic thread now that tells me that what he says may not be true.

Can you imagine that?

Can you imagine that level of obsession?

It's not and this isn't even Mike, who hates Rob Bruce.

I think they bonded over that.

Oh, really?

I think Mike and Ginnem have formed a relationship.

No, he came in and claimed that

at first we had more items listed on eBay than he did, and then he's like,

Oh, God.

Which was true.

What did I tell him?

What did I tell you?

I said, let the man have his pity or something.

No, I said, I don't know what's more pathetic, you

or him making that claim.

I said, stop worrying about it.

I said.

Stop obsessing over it, man.

So then he went and made sure he listed like 30 more items than we have.

And he came in, he was bragging about it.

He goes, yeah, well, it matters to who?

Two people.

In the entire universe, it matters to

billions of people.

Two people care.

So he comes in and says, well, yeah.

It's three people because Mike likes to get in.

He's like, you know, you may have have sold more stuff than I did, but I sold everything this thing is I sold at a higher average.

And so now I'm like, okay, you know what?

I'm like, I'm not sure if he's right or not.

So I went back and averaged it out over a 10-day period at random.

And we still sold more stuff at a higher price than he did.

And then he told me a lot.

He just said it.

Oh, even though you did the he came back and

it came up, and I was like, oh, well, actually, I looked into it.

That's the ugly party that I wish you didn't tell everybody about.

Oh.

Really?

That's the ugly part.

Well, no, you didn't have to get into dirty details.

You have to tell them how

I am.

You finished my sandwiches.

And how

petty and how small you are.

I didn't really want everybody to know that.

Now it's a bad reflection on me.

Jacqueline, cut this out.

What's it like to listen to, or do you just totally filter it out now?

Can you at least...

Like, if I was here, I feel like you and I would have fun with it.

But being alone.

Being alone, it's much more difficult.

It's like torturous.

Yeah, it can be torturous at times.

Well, you stay back here, Mike and I just give it to him up there, and then he comes back here and sits down and talks with Walt about some football score or some

collectible that he found and how he's selling stuff more on Facebook.

I don't know if you realize the

toll

that

I go through.

The psychic toll?

Yeah.

The mental anguish at times that I put myself through.

Like, you got to walk it off, like, maybe take a walk down Broad Street just to check it off a little bit more.

And just anything I can do just to sometimes, you know,

not be here mentally, I try to

check out.

Yeah, I check out a lot.

Puts his buds in.

You check back in, and it's just like, guess what?

Did they tell you about my lost watch?

Get away until I tell you about March's crate.

It is wild.

Wild.

Well, wild.

I've seen a theme in

You Know What?

Loot Crate.

Loot Crate's.

What was the last one crate was build?

You know why?

I think it's because it's March Madness.

You think so?

No.

I don't know.

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I'm not going to go into all this shit.

Anybody who's fucking geeking out their pets and stuff,

you've got too much money and too much time.

I'm sorry, Luke Crate, I can't get behind that.

You want loot wear, monthly wearables and accessories?

People like that stuff.

All right, that's cool.

Less than $20 a month, unless you're like you have to

be like the escalade of loot crate people and get the DX.

DX, yeah, that's

where you get more shit, I guess.

If you want to be fancy, that's pretty fancy, huh?

Speaking of fancy, we're going to Lexington this weekend, Walt.

Me, Mike, and Megan.

I saw you guys singing about it earlier.

We were singing a little bit earlier.

You looked perplexed that I would join them in singing.

Yeah, very, it was a very.

Did you tune out?

Disappointing would not be the wrong word, but I was very.

I felt I felt sad that that you were- You felt betrayed.

I felt betrayed.

I felt a little pity.

Not,

you know, not, I don't want to

say that you were pitiful, but I felt a little sad that you had to do that.

You had to resort to singing on video for a con.

Well, I'll tell you what, Ming asked me, and I was really, it was my last-ditch effort to get invited to that party.

Maybe if I do this, maybe.

Now, you had to sing a song, an extreme song, called

Two More.

More than words, more than words.

More than words.

And I was surprised that you went along with it.

That does not seem like the

Mike and Ming thing, definitely, that they would be like, yeah, we got to sing.

Let's do it.

But you would have a little bit more

self-respect.

Shockingly.

For someone who has no self-respect.

You have more self-respect than

you'll give yourself credit for.

Not anymore.

But I was surprised that

you agreed to.

Because it was Ming's idea.

It's not even funny.

It wasn't funny I didn't really understand it

but I'll tell you he was like hey hey would you mind doing this and I have burned him so many times on things I was like all right I'll sing and I'll do this video but I think I think if you had been if you just if you'd said no do you think it really would have made a difference no probably not right I mean if you'd be like yeah I'm not into that that's not me that's not that's not you it's not me you're right it's not you that's that's not what was I thinking I don't know that's why I was really surprised and I was like again I was like I'm not on drugs I'm not drinking

Why is he doing this?

And like, on Ming's request, it's not like

he's like, I got this great idea.

And then he says that, and you're like, okay, I'll do it.

Little fucking shitbird tricked me.

Fucking tricked me, man.

Lootkrak.com slash TESD.

So what else do we got, man?

Well, I mean, do you see you, what about you again?

Do you see you and your

other ever achieving that level of like

synchronous synchronous

I'm not sure I mean we we we have our moments every now and then we're I wish she was here to answer she'd be like no fucking way can I be totally in sync with a maniac like this this weirdo well I don't know because I don't think she she considers him a maniac or a weirdo though no

how could she

well you know Charles Manson has girlfriends

some people do you know some people are like I'll just overlook these little idiosyncrasies, like obsessing over card readers and cans of beans and shit.

No, remember, we were watching TV like last week, and I said something, you know, something came on the screen, and I said something, and she was like, Too many black people on TV.

And she said, get out of my head, because I think she, you know, she thought the same thing.

Now, did you

did that make you feel good that you're like, you're like, you're that you're getting in that kind of like, not only are you connecting physically.

Yeah.

Like the C, I saw the cis got bigger.

But

are you connecting?

Um, are you connecting on another plane?

I would hope so.

Called this the uh what's it called?

What plane is that?

Not the astral.

No, it would be astral.

As you said?

Astral.

Oh, okay.

It would be the, I guess, the psychic plane?

Yeah, I guess so, right?

Where one time they think of the same thing as they're watching the same show and it's like, like, holy shit,

psychically bound.

Just like Walton pastor Lance.

That was different, though.

That was a miracle.

Well, you want to why?

You're going to poo-poo that?

I think if you hang around with someone enough

and you have

like interests, you may think the same thing as a TV show is on.

Has it happened with you and Suzanne?

I don't really let her watch TV.

I'm going to let her watch today because it's International Woman's Day.

Not where we think the same.

I mean, you know, you laugh at the same stuff sometimes, but are you guys finishing in?

Has she ever, would she ever say, get out of my brain?

Get out of my head?

No.

I'm on a totally different fucking level, man.

Come on.

The shit I'm thinking up, there's no way she's.

I'm way smarter than Sioux I.

I parade around the house.

I peacock around the house.

I'm like, I'm smarter than Smith.

Ever boasting any given chance?

I think

I could say definitely that I, that me and my wife, have

achieved that level, not all the time, but

more than not, that we could

we can go toe-to-toe with any

married couple,

even your parents, I think.

Do you want to play like a newlywed game against Pam and Edgar?

So who knows each other better?

That would be amazing.

If your wife would do that, that would be fucking amazing.

There's one thing I know you guys got to agree on, and that's a fucking sweet Casper mattress.

She loves it.

She has to love it.

She loves Casper onto it.

You guys are in sync on that.

Yeah, I mean, we're a Casper mattress family, and that will never change.

Where do you guys stand on it being

an invention?

Do you both agree it's not an invention?

I have to

think that she also would agree that calling an invention, you don't need to call an invention.

It's awesome.

Don't try to put

pig on lipsticks or lipsticks on pigs.

You don't have to make such a great product.

You don't have to muddy the waters by calling it an invention.

Well, it's not like they did.

It was Time Magazine, dude.

And the Sleepies.

Oh, so it wasn't so.

Yeah, when they won the Sleepy Award.

No, it was.

Hold on, let me see.

Time magazine?

Time magazine named it one of the best inventions of 2015.

Maybe because it's a mattress, but it's like it doesn't depend on the coils and all that other shit.

It's like

it's a hybrid.

It fits in a box.

Was it, what, 2016 they dubbed it that?

2015.

Well, I guess 2015 must have been a light year.

Right, nobody was inventing shit in 2015.

They're like, what the fuck are we going to give this to?

I'm not saying the best.

It's one of the best.

One of the best.

All right.

All right.

I mean, it's a, I mean, it doesn't matter if it's an invention.

All it is that matters, is it comfortable?

Yes.

Is it...

And what if the Casper mattress led to one of these other better inventions?

Like the guy was so arrested and his brain was

at its peak because he was sleeping so well, he thought of another better invention.

I can't, well, we'll never know if that's the case, though.

They're never going to get a better mattress in Casper.

It's so comfortable and it's a great bargain.

That's all you got to sell it on.

Don't keep saying it's invention because that'll turn people off.

People are like, you're so pretentious.

Plus, I believe what?

They deliver it to you.

It comes in its own bag.

Oh, it comes in its box.

It comes in its own box.

It has a

100-night

trial period.

And if you're not satisfied with it, I believe they come and pick it up from you.

They do all the work.

Sounds like you're a Casper, man.

It's not going to happen, though.

You're not going to have to worry about sending it back.

Well, they're not going to have to worry about you sending it back.

Do you think that you could trick Casper into thinking that your mattress was was one of theirs that you used for 100 nights?

I remember our mattresses being this yellow.

Did a herd of elephants sleep

on this mattress?

Did you

trampled?

Was this in like a, or was this used in some sort of pen?

Yeah, did they ship this to you from a third world country?

Some kind of pen?

Did you,

were livestock sleeping there?

There's a lot of stuff.

There's a lot of hay on this mattress.

Or scare.

Okay, let's get through the required.

Actually, that's a required talking point.

Time magazine named it one of the best inventions.

Here are the required talking points.

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I'm sorry, obsessively engineered mattress at a shockingly fair price.

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Guess how many mattresses?

Guess how many Casper mattresses are in my house at the moment?

Four.

You'll be right.

Exactly four.

How the fuck did you know that?

I counted.

He's been there a couple of days.

When you were letting me rest and carry on all those comic boxes, I went and checked.

Did you lay on his Casper mattress?

You're like, oh, this is a fucking sweet invention.

I can die right here.

Get out of here.

Would you have to have Casper come and take it away if you saw Giddam just like chilling out on your mattress?

No.

No.

Oh, no.

He was just chilling out?

Like, he just took a rest.

He needed a blow.

What did it be?

No, you know what I mean.

Like he was, I had him move in so much of my stomach.

Oh, you see, you put your minds in the gutter.

When you say you need a blow, you mean you need to take a breath.

I've never heard it phrased that way.

Never heard it phrased that way.

I heard of taking a breather, but I've never heard of him taking a blow.

Take a breather, blow, whatever.

Same thing.

Breathing, blowing air out your lungs is the same thing, isn't it?

Sure.

Get him's taking a blow.

You're like, who let Ming in here?

Isn't it his daughter's birthday today?

Girl?

Still.

I'm closer than you.

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Do you think any of Q's

the listeners who may be listening solely because of Q, do you think that they've made it this far?

They're listening solely for Q?

Then I'd say no.

They probably switched it off the second I was like, Q's not here.

Yeah,

you think that

they're like, oh, no Q?

You know, listen?

No Q.

And let me tell you something.

Those IJ girls are

prime

examples of the like slobbering over Q, slobbering over Sal, slobbering over Murr and Joe.

What are you talking about, though?

Because it's not just guys that are like, oh, she's hot.

You said earlier, like, well, not all girls do that.

And it's like, of course, all guys don't either.

But that's a good example.

I mean, Christ Almighty, they want to marry him.

Writing fan fictions.

It's.

Yeah.

Doing those photo collages.

I'm just calling back an

an earlier point, though.

Okay.

Are you making a point here?

I don't know, maybe.

Can I bail right now?

I don't care about that point anymore.

What else happened?

Oh, I wanted to ask you, Giddam, since you're so fucking smart.

You must have a smart TV.

You're so smart.

No.

No, he doesn't.

No.

No.

My TV was made the same month that I graduated high school.

The smartest man in the room,

I think, lives like it's 1989.

Unless he acquires like devices

out of the Lost and Found.

Right.

Or pity.

Yes.

Okay.

Like my iPhone and

I read a little bit about

the wiki leaks that.

Oh, the Vault 7.

Yes.

Is this a concern of yours?

Get him that when you shut off your smart TV, it's still recording everything you say

to

whoever you have locked up in your house and sending it to the internet.

I'm of the opinion of, like I've said, if someone is sitting there monitoring my life and everything that I say and everything that I write, I feel sorry for them because I'm not that interesting.

I just it's I would think the

sheer amount of data, even with voice processing and being able to transcribe it, then have something go through that that transcription and pick up certain things.

I just think it's such a massive amount of data that if the NSA was following all this stuff, I mean, they would have caught a lot of these things before they happened.

If it's at the scale that we're led to believe, well, how do they know the people who they really want to listen to?

How do they know if they have the TVs?

I think we know.

How?

Well, you can correlate.

How do you know who they are?

They're watching Al Jazeera, for Christ's sakes.

You could correlate.

Al Jazeera is actually a really good news source.

You could correlate the purchase of the TV to a credit card number, and that will give you the serial number.

And then when this TV communicates with its server, it probably transfers along its serial number as well so that it can find any software updates.

And you could have it flag

that TV and say, I want to set this TV up for monitoring anything that it records, send to this computer over here, or send that file to this computer over here.

I don't think that's.

Do you think it's happening?

I think it's well within the realm of possibility and technology that we have nowadays.

And the CIA is doing it, right?

This is what they say.

CIA, NSA, you know, any one of the letter organizations.

You know who has to get more on the ball?

Is the fucking TSA.

I forgot to mention this last week.

When I went to LA with Q,

I forgot until I got to LA that I had a knife in my bag.

That's just a given.

In Nork, of course.

In Nork, it went through because I just did carry-on.

And I didn't realize it until I got to LA.

And then I was like, oh shit, that's amazing that it got through.

And then on the way back,

I was like, well, it's $25 to check it.

And if they find it in the bag, then all they're going to do is

mail it back to yourself.

You can mail it back to yourself or toss it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not going to toss it.

It's too expensive to toss.

So

I go through security in L.A.

And they pull me to the side.

And the lady takes one of those wipes, I guess, looking for some sort of residue.

Residue, yeah, and they run it through like the mask spec or something

inside the suitcase.

And then she's like, all right, you're you're good to go.

Both places got on with

a sizable pocket knife.

Nobody's safer.

It's such bullshit.

It's such a fucking facade.

It's always going to be crap.

Cracks, right?

But twice?

It's going to happen.

It's nuts.

Well, I mean, how big is the knife?

It's pretty big.

I would say the blade is, what's that, like five inch?

Five inch.

And it's a folder, I'm guessing.

Yeah.

Okay, so the folder.

And how did you have it stored?

It was just in the bag.

Was it horizontal, vertical?

Yeah,

it was open, like sticking through the fucking side of the suitcase.

No, no, no.

It's fucking laying down in the suitcase, man.

It depends on how it lays down because I did x-ray when my one job, I had x-ray packages.

And depending on how something.

It doesn't work at a gay bar.

Because

you're looking at a 2D.

He's just wearing

those fake 3D glasses.

This is the oral.

I'm checking for residue.

Yeah, let me just wipe under your nuts.

It usually scans from one direction, like from the top down.

So you see, it comes in front of you, and it's a, you know, you can change the colors, but that gives you an idea of what's inside.

And if it's on its side, the knife just looks like it's

just a piece of metal.

Now, if it's on its flat like that, then yes, you would see the outline of the knife, unless what the scales are made of is metal as well, and that would obscure the knife outline.

A lot of these systems have a they have an automatic feature which scans for like patterns.

Why don't you just do a metal?

You go through with a metal because there's so much metal in a suitcase that it would set the whole thing off.

So you run it through the x-ray so you can see right through it.

And you'll see stuff like phones and knives and the such.

But depending on how it's oriented,

it can pass by someone who's just looking at the screen.

Unless, like, when I scan packages, I would put them through once and then flip them over and run them through again in a different angle so that I could see exactly what was inside.

And this was to get into a fucking racetrack.

No, no, this is when I was working at the bank.

Okay, when they locked you in the room with anthrax?

Yes.

All right.

But

the obsession they have with like, you better drink that water.

You better drink that water before you get on the plane because you can't fucking, you know, you can't bring water, you know, into the...

At first, I thought it was a scam just to get people to buy water inside the...

inside the actual like airport area.

I don't think so, though.

And that's a pretty fucking imperfect system if it's like a knife has to be in a a certain position in order for them to be like, oh, well, he has a knife.

Like, 9-11 was perpetrated with fucking box cutters.

Yeah, and I agree with you.

But I don't think that I do not believe that you or even 10 other people could nowadays stand up on a plane, pull out a knife, and say, I'm taking this plane over, and you would land on the ground safe and alive.

What would you do?

I'd take anything that I could, and I'd try to take you down.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm not trying to be like Mark Wahlberg, but in today's day and age.

Why Mark Wahlberg?

He He said that if he was on the planes during 9-11, it never would have happened.

It was a specific plane.

It was the one that crashed in Pennsylvania.

Yeah, Shanksville.

He started boasting and shit.

Oh, really?

But I'm saying, if someone pulled up a knife and said, I'm trying to take just knowing what...

Yeah, I think everybody in the plane is going to react the way you're.

They are not going to sit by and say, okay, well, let's do what he said.

Like we did before.

But who's the first one?

Because the first one, if somebody has a knife, they're getting cut.

Not necessarily.

I'm sure you could probably grab a piece of luggage and swing that in front of you and hopefully knock the knife out of their hand without getting cut.

But even getting cut, as long as I mean, if I get cut and I survive,

it's a plus.

But how would you memorialize get him if he's on a plane, somebody pulls out a knife, he tries to rush him right away?

It's like boom, like right in the neck.

And I fall on top of him and thus he can't move anymore.

No, he's, yeah.

So he's kind of a hero by pinning him with his immense girth.

I would, I would, maybe a banner.

You put a banner on it?

Like, you know how you have the devil banners up at the front?

Maybe have like a a little mini banner.

So, not as big as the devil's.

No, he didn't win a championship.

Yeah.

True.

Will he say 200 Staples?

I thought you meant one of those paper banners that you print out at Staples or something.

The one thing prints up for costs.

Yeah, I got

menu just throwing up on the

back of one of his brains.

I said, there's no famous motherfucker.

Prints it on the back of one of Bries.

Yeah.

Just hand-drawn

and sharpie.

Yeah, it would be.

And maybe I would try to do an eternal flame at the bottle dump.

Like a zippo.

Eternal flame.

Like an eternal, like an eternal zippo that doesn't go out.

But I guess with the rain.

Until teenagers discover it.

They're like, what's this fucking shit?

Gay.

Sage and gang.

They fucking treat it like it's a Jewish cemetery and shit.

I read in

the

somewhere in New York, there was a bunch of headstones in a Jewish cemetery that were toppled.

And at first, they thought it was, you know,

Trump supporters.

Or Jewish people or Trump supporters or whatever.

Yeah, and it turned out like, I guess, land shifts and stuff.

And every once in a while, since the stones aren't sitting perfectly, a couple of them will fall over.

How'd they find out?

I don't know.

I guess they sent somebody in there and did an investigation, and that's what they figured out.

I thought you were going to talk about the other guy.

Like, I want to, like, I would like to.

What other guy?

There was a guy who made all these threats against Jewish synagogues and whatever, and it turned out he was a reporter for a liberal newspaper and was trying to write his own stories.

Yeah.

That's shocking.

Yeah.

I don't know, man.

Again,

leave a Jewish cemetery alone.

Like, you must have other shit to do.

You must.

There's so much like it's a big fucking world, right?

Even at my most asinine,

I did stupid fucking shit when I was younger.

Like so, you know, sometimes it's youth, you know.

But

but I don't think I ever was like, I ever had enough time to be like, let's single out

a certain religion and let's fuck with their shit.

It's just, it's, it's a mindset I can't even begin to understand.

I'd like to talk to someone, though.

Somebody who toppled headstones at a Jewish cemetery.

If you're listening,

email.

I did.

I did steal tombstones in college, but we stole them from the tombstone store that had them like out front as displays.

Are they heavy?

Yeah.

It took like two or three of us to throw it in the back of my car.

Do you remember

that headstone that Kevin had made for Jersey Girl?

Yeah.

It was like fucking 900 pounds.

It was almost impossible to move.

So how the fuck are you guys carrying tombstones?

It was one of those ones that that lays on the ground.

So, it was about like a marker, like a grave marker?

This is about a foot wide and maybe two foot, three foot long.

And it was, yeah, granted, it was heavy.

It took like two or three of us to

get it.

And then, when we got in the car and we drove off, I guess, like the adrenaline.

And then, when we got to the college.

We've been friends forever.

When we got to college, we're like, wait, how the heck are we supposed to get this up three or four flights of stairs?

Now, this was a prank

of initiation for some sort of stuff.

No, we were just driving around.

We're like, oh, it'd be great if we grabbed the tombstone from the tombstone store or

whatever the place was.

That makes tombstone.

Yeah, monuments.

And we're like, okay, let's try it.

And

I guess if it was too heavy for us to lift, we just would have went on to do something else.

But because it was just that right weight that we could get it in the car, we grabbed it, slung it.

And then when we got back to the college, we slung it in some blankets so that we could get it up the backstairs without the

ultimately, where was its final resting place?

The priest who was our RA for the building came through during one of the inspections or something and saw it.

And he's like, it's got to go back.

And so we brought it back.

Oh, you brought it back?

Yeah.

And did you apologize?

No.

Isn't it easier just to kidnap another college's mascot or something?

You're lugging a fucking 800-pound piece of marble up the stairs.

What college did you go to?

St.

Vincent's College.

Where's that?

In Latrobe, Pennsylvania.

Did you graduate?

Do you have a college degree?

Okay, yeah.

How big was the school?

You're like the Bill Gates of comic book store clerks dropped out to fucking pursue a career.

I don't really know exactly how big it was.

We were a pretty big school.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Were you popular?

Yeah, St.

Vincent's popular.

We have a basilica and everything.

Not St.

Vincent.

You.

No.

No.

I was popular because I had a car as a freshman.

That was a big thing.

Oh, God.

What ultimately made you not finish?

Grades.

Grades are big?

Yeah.

You were just getting to.

I had bad roommates.

No, I had bad roommates.

My roommates and I didn't get along.

It It was fucking

a tombstone theft ring took up most of his time.

Are you correcting that?

How could you be so fucking smart?

And then you fell college, man.

It just wasn't for me.

It was too

rigid?

Too structured, I bet.

No, I just, I didn't, I don't do well.

I don't do well in, I know it sounds cliche, I don't do well in testing.

You know, I know the material, but when it comes time down to the test, it's just like it was,

you know, it just,

my grades weren't up to par.

So, you got kicked out or you quit?

I got kicked out after my,

I want to say my second semester, but I went back and because I went through the rules of the school and I wasn't, I found out I wasn't allowed to be kicked out that quickly.

So,

you went back and then got kicked out again later?

Yeah,

the time had passed.

Yeah.

What an asshole.

It sounds like exactly what he does now.

Like, he's looking for any little like

I took summer courses at Brookdale, you know in order to try to get my gpa up and you know i it didn't know it did not work what were you gonna what were you majoring in uh at that point in liberal arts which is undeclared liberal arts what did you want to be when you grew up that's i i wasn't sure and i you know i tried all these uh core classes and just never found a

you know a a degree or whatever that like you know grabbed me like

you didn't even finish one year how could you find something i did a year i did a year and a half there oh a year and a half yeah and then i you know like i said i went to i transferred to Brookdale I spent like two or three years there

and just never

a school a two-year school he's there for three years and still doesn't get a degree well I didn't take a full I was working so I didn't take a full course load okay all right and I just I could like I said I never found a major that you know like you know grabbed me and was like this is what I want to do for the rest of my life you ever think about going back to school I think I think about it sometimes like you want to be like a college boy again

yeah maybe I think that does the stash have a program where like tuition reimbursement and shit, like you pay for him to go to

I mean, I know that there's courses on binding, I know that's I know that to be true.

Yeah, you need a practical trade now.

The day, the days of you, like, oh, could you imagine him though, like, in a freshman class?

It would be, I would pay to watch that show.

I'd pay to watch it.

Like, him with a bunch of like 18-year-olds all with their ideas about the way the world should be.

Some professor thinking they know everything.

Oh, yeah.

You and anybody who who who even imposes any kind of threat on your knowledge or on your

quote-unquote

Trumping you as the smartest man in the room?

Yeah, they're in for hell.

They're in for hell.

Then what would you do?

Like, let's say, you know, they're like, hey, man, we're going to have a sit-in in the quad to protest Trump.

Like, do you go or do you skip it?

No, for Trump or against Trump?

It's against Trump.

Yeah, no, I ain't going.

It's for Trump.

You go?

I might wander around.

See what's up?

He's going to get fucking pepper sprayed.

That's what everybody does to Trump supporters now.

They get the shit out of him and pepper spray.

Come on, he's abused.

I think you're amusing it by now, right?

Yeah, too much.

That's a million stuff I just use that as hot sauce.

I mean, you can get bear spray, right, for you?

Yeah.

To knock you on your ass.

Even then, you might not stop, right?

That's what your girl carries.

No means no.

I didn't get this cyst by laying down a little bit of fucking bread.

Yeah,

a little bit of fucking bear spray.

I mean, come on.

Oh, do you think I am?

I fight through that shit so I can diddle.

Oh, you got anything?

Oh, you know what?

Speaking of Jewish cemeteries,

Nature Box.

Nature box will send stuff anywhere in America.

If you happen to be a homeless person living in a Jewish cemetery, guarding it to make sure people don't topple headstones,

You don't want to eat junk food.

No.

Because it's going to make y'all fucking tired and shit.

And people shake right fast, too.

Sugar highs and lows like a fucking roller coaster.

So you start snacking healthy, get them with Nature Box.

Naturebox.com slash T-E-S-D for 50% off your first order.

Wow.

They have a lot of variety?

Oh, come on now.

They make snacks that taste great and are better for you.

Actually, it's one of those companies that I'm like, also Casper.

But Nature Box, I actually like their stuff quite a bit.

They have over 100.

Get them.

Oh, wow.

You could eat a different Nature Box snack on your Casper mattress for 100 nights in a row.

Wow.

I mean, who doesn't want to do that?

And I'm sure they're introducing new flavors all the time.

So it's like you could possibly just go never having the same flavor again.

Right.

You'll never get bored.

New snacks each month, inspired by customer feedback.

So

you could tell them.

I want something that's more mattress-friendly, so it doesn't leave them any chromosome.

What do you have for a snack?

Like horse jerky, something like that?

Like, what would you suggest to Nature Box?

I like popcorn, so I would go with something popcorn-y.

Okay.

Popcorn?

That's a.

I don't know if they've thought of that yet.

You know,

some variety of popcorn.

Oh, I'm sure they have.

That's good.

This is why you don't work for Nature Box.

Again, 50% off your first order, naturebox.com/slash T-E-S-D.

Holy shit.

What a list they have here.

I'd love to read it all to you, but we're about to talk to Walt about Jewish cemeteries.

No, I was going to say one thing though that

I don't like like it it does befuddle me as like I'm I'm still not sure why I'm getting hate mail is because I felt that I

was very non-committal on my

on my

on my preferences or my who like who I cared about in the in the political race.

Like I'm very I want anybody able to read me.

I think you're going to get a lot of people who hate you already.

Okay.

You've just set yourself up for even more hate because you were like, you want to go to pro-Trump rallies.

Well, he said, in fairness to him, he said he wants to just stroll around and check out the

sort of check out the climate,

see if people still hate Trump.

You know who

a person that people don't hate?

He never got

any bad

negative male.

Who?

Sunday Jeff.

Oh, that's true.

He cannot read anything.

He doesn't care about this stuff.

I want to let you guys know next week.

Okay, because you're mentioning this in conjunction with Jewish Cemeteries.

Is he dead?

Is that what you're saying?

No, but

he's been slaying it because next week I got the next installment of

two live crew or one middle-aged Jew.

He's written.

He's gone back to writing.

And he's done.

He picked up the penny.

That's good to hear.

He picked up the pennaging and snuck out to his car.

We're going to play that next week.

And one thing I've like dealing with him and

his rapping is that he's figured it out.

Rappers have a lot of bravado.

They have a lot.

They're very proud of.

They want you to know how much money they have,

how often they're at the club.

Yeah.

The expense of everything,

whether it's champagne or a car.

And

they do everything really well.

If you don't have that level of confidence, you probably shouldn't be rapping.

Which is a good thing.

Sunday Jeff does.

Right.

You see it in his everyday life.

No matter what he's doing, he has the confidence of a rapper.

Who was that rapper?

Even though he was

going to court for bankruptcy, he was still flashing mad stacks of $100 bills on his Instagram or Facebook.

And the judge was like, you got to stop doing this.

I vaguely remember something like that.

Yeah,

rappers are a strange breed, right?

Because that never happens with rock.

I mean, like, you will see excess, especially like back in the 80s with like hair metal and shit.

But rappers, ever since rap started to

this very minute,

there is a rapper out there who's like, I am the greatest.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to say, I would never have that kind of self-esteem.

I'd make the worst rapper ever.

Yeah, but like, rap, you need to bring, you need to be extremely confident and

sure of yourself.

And then no matter what you do, you're the best at it.

I would say, I could honestly say,

I wish I had Kanye's confidence.

Well, he's

mentally ill.

There's a big difference.

No, but he has that confidence.

He's like, I am the greatest.

He'll go up and perform laying down and just

singing up to the ceiling.

What's sadder that?

Or the people that buy into it?

And it's like, he's a fucking genius.

He's laying down.

He's so confident.

The idiocy

of people who like it, if somebody's super famous, they're like,

well, I guess if you tell, it's like anything else.

If you tell somebody something enough about yourself, eventually that becomes the truth, whether it's I'm the greatest, or like, I'm a fucking fat idiot.

Like, you know, Harley has a place on this earth.

Or I'm the smartest man in the room.

Yeah.

All right.

I mean, he's convinced me he is.

And then again,

I spend most of my time with him, you know, but it's just it's just us during me and Mike and him.

So I'm like.

And fairness to you, yeah, it's it's more brainwashing.

Stockholm syndrome.

I've I've I've

I'm convinced.

I've seen nothing to show me that that I'm smarter or that or that Mike is.

But the thing with Giddam is he says shit and you're just like he does.

He he has like Kanye confidence when he says it.

So you're like he's almost laying down.

If he's laying down and says it, you're like, it's got to be true.

Tell him, Steve, thank you.

Q's back next week, right?

Q is back next week.

For all you people who won't listen unless Q's on it.

Well, I guess you're not hearing this.

Yeah, Q will be back.

Because

it's not so fast.

Let's come to find your best and I'll be

And then my whiskers come to me.

A baby dark shot that I don't need.

A baby dust just like I mean.

A baby dark where I should be.

I don't know how much darker could it possibly get

in the fog.

I miss the line

of polished glass dug into my spine.

A polished glass running out of time.

A polished glass, I couldn't call

myself.

Black woods stretch higher and higher

Hungry ghosts will throw on fire.

And the spectacle that's everywhere.

Got a year that I could win.

Got a limit that I could spell.

Got a heart that I know.

And the thing that you got along,

and the stream you're on.

Four months on the shameful steps, girl.

Come away from my unsavour.

What you see on my urgent

baby dungeon, crystal burners,

polish class trails, everyone.

All the years land are dark for us.

Let you

see you.

You are so.

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