#323: My Cousin Quinny Part II

In the Tellham Steve Dave Town justice system, the ants are represented by two separate but equally important people.

Troy, who investigates crimes, and Walt, who prosecutes the offenders.

Or sometimes Gidden prosecutes the offenders and Troy wonders what he's doing there in the first place.

These are their stories.

I'm still kind of burning about you saying like you want a new lawyer.

I can't believe it's taken that long for that sentence to be uttered.

to

this.

The entire trial.

Tell him, Steve Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tellum Steve Dave, My Cousin Quinny, trial by fire ants.

Judge Johnson took a historic week-long recess.

In fact, it didn't even look like he was coming back until Ming Chen put put him on blast on Twitter and he was sort of muscled into rejoining the court session.

Chris Forever in Our Hearts Ghost Pussy Ledondo was on the stand when we last left and as we rejoin the session, Robert Stranger Danger Bruce will be taking the stand.

Also, when court was in recess, Judge Johnson made a historic overturning of a decision that was made on Twitter.

Chris Forever in Our Hearts Ghost Pussy Ledondo's informal Twitter poll as to whether his mannequin joke was funny or not seemed to have approval on Twitter, but Judge Johnson says no.

He threw out that verdict, and it has been declared unfunny and not worthwhile.

So let's get back to the proceedings.

All right.

I'd like to call one Robert Bruce to the stand.

Wow.

He's not in.

This is good.

It's a rare appearance by Robert Bruce on Tom Steve Dave.

Right.

This is what your lawyer did.

He pulled out all the stops.

Love it.

Anybody on the street that was walking by.

What are you doing?

What are you doing for the next two hours?

Hey, guys, stealing our boxes.

You want to be at a trial?

But I figured, you know what?

Like,

that's got to be a lot of weight,

the juror has to think about when they bring Robert Bruce in.

Because we don't bring him in so

rarely do we use him.

But this is only for when we need a big gun.

I'm curious to see what this is.

Or you're grasping at straws.

One of the two.

He's two of us.

Yeah,

Frank Five wasn't able to make it.

Frank Five.

Rob Bruce.

All right.

Can you swear him in, Maxwell?

Rob Bruce, step forward, please.

We're pressed for time, and I don't really know much about you.

So, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

So help you, God.

Sure.

Right on.

You can be seated.

I got you my full name.

Yes.

Robert Hunt Bruce.

You did say Hunt.

Hunt.

Robert Hunt.

Yes.

Okay.

Can you state for the courtroom your occupation?

I am a pop culturist by trade.

I am also a consulting producer on AMC's Comic Book Men.

I'm also the on-air expert.

I run the research department for the TV show.

I've been on 27 of the 72 episodes that will air.

I also

run the NJ Horror Con Film Festival

and eBay, you know, count.

What kind of feedback you got on eBay?

What are you feeding?

Over 12,000, all positive.

Wow.

That's a man with integrity.

Integrity, honesty.

Are you a power seller?

I am a power seller.

What about a power body?

I was about the BB2 by second.

Now, will that film festival, will that be featuring any local prominent filmmakers?

Brian Johnson.

Oh, really?

Oh, wow.

And, you know.

Now, for your role as

for the

gathering information for the transactions on Comic Bookman.

Yes.

Some background on items that are brought in.

Correct.

How do you perform that

in that capacity?

Well, it's usually done by proxy.

We try to pick items and people bringing them in that have a comedic sort of

edge to them.

This is totally funny.

Your everyday item.

I also work in the creative side, so I actually work on the show a month before we start shooting in June as opposed to July.

So a lot of the setups that that come down the pike, you know, not giving away too much behind the curtains, are created and done by a

trial or a biography.

That's the same question.

I'm trying to answer.

Let the man speak.

Let the man speak.

I mean, I don't want to take 100% credit for the show, but

a group.

But

you will give the cast members some notes some background on items, right?

And have any of those notes ever been used by the cast members to

in the material that

some of the funny material that is.

Sure.

I mean,

there's a group of us who work in creative, so I can't take that.

So I'm trying to show the courtroom why you're here tonight because

you know funny.

I know funny, yes.

And you know Brian Quinn, correct?

I've known Brian Quinn since the conception of Tell him Steve Dave six years ago.

He's trying to establish.

Matt, you're not just a weirdo that has a million obscure toys nobody cares about.

And as your role is.

And pop culturist, you mentioned.

And what is that role?

It's a

sociologist, modern sociologist.

You look at things that sell.

It is sociology.

No, do you have a doctorate in pop culture?

And pop culture is an aspect of sociology because you

learn

that are based on sociological background.

All right, all right.

You know, because Bozo the clown Larry Harmon, who's dead, who lived in Staten Island.

He reached out to a certain segment of

the audience.

All right.

I thought you would fucking tell me, but I think lightsabers are worth a certain amount of money.

You know,

it's fair to say, as a pop culturist, you would have your fingers on the pulse of a nation.

In terms of the pop culture landscape.

The culture of a country.

Can you place Brian Quinn and his Impractical Jokers

companions on that landscape of pop culture icons?

Where would you place them?

The audience.

Right now, right?

The audience.

No, this man sitting right here is a lot of people.

They're on the forefront of modern comedy.

They certainly, you know,

created something that was based on Alan Font and Candid Camera, comes out of that background.

But, you know, watching Brian develop on the show,

he's definitely got that

Abbott and Costello Buddhist.

Jei.

Bud Abbott, like straight man, you know, kind of comedy.

He seems to be like the straight guy on the show a lot of times.

The other free homos.

Okay.

And that's really difficult to do, and the show obviously is doing extremely well.

Now, in your own words,

could you explain why you believe Brian Quinn to still be relatable after

all he's accomplished?

I think, as it with a Bud Abbott or

Marx brothers like

Gumo Marx.

Those were everyday kind of people.

Those were like your common man.

Do we have a reference that people who listen to the podcast can relate to?

Yeah.

Is your pop culture

does it go into the 20th century?

Yeah.

Okay.

But, you know, obviously to make money, you can.

Early 20th century.

Like you ever see the Great Train Robbery?

I think what he's trying to say is.

Go ahead.

Tell us what he's trying to say because I don't think anybody listening.

You want to talk about the average, everyday, relatable guy.

There's no abs here.

Just slightly overweight.

You know, I don't go and I don't get, you know,

you don't get no surgery done to make yourself look more handsome than you already are.

That's right.

You haven't been under the knife, huh?

You're that guy.

No liposuction.

Don't dye my hair.

Don't work out.

That's a good thing.

Mike isn't here.

He was through.

You know what I mean?

What a salesman.

And as it was previously stated, he still lives in Staten Island, drives a modest car.

Why the fuck is that such a big thing?

You don't get it.

Not forgetting your roots that you don't think that's important.

To being fucking to keeping it real?

Yeah.

Just because you don't want to move because the taxes are higher doesn't prove that you're loyal.

But you can live in New York City.

You could live in Brooklyn.

He lives in New York City.

Your Honor.

The point is that his production office is in Manhattan.

He films a lot in Manhattan.

He could be living in a much,

you know, not saying much nicer, but he could live in a nice apartment in Manhattan somewhere.

And instead, he goes home every day,

commutes.

And I think that says a lot about

his unwillingness to just move.

It's a pain in the ass.

I don't want to, you know, I want to keep it real.

That's all.

Cool.

So you want to go home so you can see

the residents and your brethren on Staten Island.

The irony.

Because you love going home and seeing

from his ring camera.

The outer tower.

Which, by the way,

if you go to ring.com slash tellham TSD, you can get ring.

It's pretty sweet.

Yeah.

All right.

So

you are saying tonight, though, without any pressure whatsoever put on you by Brian Q, and putting words in your mouth, that he does no comedy.

The Reddit comments were unwarranted, and he's very relatable.

Yes or no?

Yes or no?

Yes.

Okay, no further questions.

Excellent.

He took down Halloween decorations.

He took down Halloween decorations.

What the fuck?

I have it for him.

Mr.

Bruce,

are you currently medicated?

No.

Not at this moment.

No, thank you for asking.

All right.

So you seem to be an expert on Impractical Jokers.

Do you watch the show a lot?

I have watched it, yes.

Do I watch it a lot?

No.

But I've watched it.

Probably, you know, 25, 30 episodes.

I don't know if that's a lot.

How many episodes have you shot?

I think we're up to 1.30.

How do you find time when you're eBaying for 16 hours a day?

I do other things other than just eBaying.

But I have a television on 24 hours a day.

You know,

when I'm sleeping, it's still on.

Oh, okay.

So

it's still on and you're at the flea market, it's still on the side.

It's still on right now in my office.

Okay.

All right.

You refer to yourself as a pop culturalist.

No.

You don't refer to yourself as a pop culturalist?

No.

Pop cultureist.

Pop cultureist.

Right.

Is there a difference?

Well, it's spelt wrong.

Not to fucking anyone else.

And that's true, but it's a word that I created.

Pop culturist.

Oh, you trademarked it?

No, I created created it.

I don't have to trademark it.

It's historical fact.

Google terms.

Historical fact?

Google Trust.

So no governing body hands out the title of pop culturist.

Right.

Okay.

So in other words, if I were to say, call myself King of America, that would be true.

You don't look like Donald Trump.

Answer my question, please.

It's president of the Trump.

No.

I call myself that.

No, but

do I do anything?

I guess, you know what?

If you want to call yourself King of America, I could lean on that.

So you're called King of America.

You don't have to fight it out with the other kings of America, which I'm sure there's a padded room somewhere full of them.

So you're saying you're telling

us the guy who calls himself the pop culturist.

I call myself the pop culturist because that's what I am.

My business is pop cultural.

You got to stay away from in that room.

This is probably how people

to Thomas Edison when he was inventing stuff.

They were like, you can't just invent stuff.

Are you just going to call it a light bulb?

What are you just going to make a light bulb?

Somebody's got to be on the bleeding fucking fry.

Somebody has to create things.

Edison didn't just add IST to a word.

He's your witness, Walter.

Edison is your witness.

Edison is getting gone.

We still have yet to see

where this is going.

You can't judge him halfway through the journey.

You can only applaud the fact that halfway is being awfully kind.

You can only applaud the fact that he has the balls.

We're looking at two-thirds right now.

He has the balls to create something new in this life.

But, you know, I went to the bottom.

Despite the mockery.

He's an innovator.

I went to my first convention in 1975.

Okay.

I've been to 1,100 conventions.

Of course I'm going to use all the shows and conventions and dealing with pop culture items and owning a record slash comic slash used toy store for 10 years.

Right.

Doing the things that people like you don't do.

Yeah.

And you jump off horses.

I do not.

Oh, look.

Finally, the fucking judge is all myself.

So if I want to come up with a word and then, you know, Googleize it, then what the fuck?

Googleize it.

I just made up two words.

I want to go on record that Googleizing is a term that I just created.

Nice.

All right, so I guess apparently if I call myself king of the world, you've already said that you're king of the world.

You're king of America, now you're king of the world.

But I guarantee you that there's a room full of king of the world peoples.

There's not a room full of pop culture.

I'm sure you've been in a convention with them.

What if there was somebody else calling himself a pop culturist?

No,

actually, there is a group called, they call themselves the pop cultureists with an S, but they actually founded that after after I created the word.

So you have it on after?

Why would I sue them?

Okay.

Because if you Google pop culturists, I'm the first person that pops up.

So as long as something comes up first on Google, that works for me.

Well, then it's official.

Or if you're going to pay Google ads.

Yeah, but I'm not paying anybody shit to.

You don't think.

Wait, I'm going to go.

Excuse me?

Don't worry, Basil.

You're ahead right now.

All right, we're good.

We're good.

We're good.

All right, so

it's a sham title.

I'm sorry.

Hey, whatever.

Just because he gets a Twitter handle and puts his face on stickers and ploshes them all over the country doesn't mean that it's true.

Like if you steal a website and call yourself Tell him Steve Dave and that Tom Steve.

I've never got it.

I got it.

I've never called myself Tell him Steve Dave.

I've always been Giddam Steve Dave.

Actually, you know, we made a fine distinction.

Right.

Look at this.

How long is it?

You're really mad.

Arguing about I've always been Giddam Steve Dave with with such passion as well.

Just thinking of lunacy right now, Troy.

He's arguing about being the pop culturist with like with like dogs on raw meat.

They're going after each other.

You can see it in his eyes.

If he can be an expert because he made up a word, I can be an expert because I call myself Giddem Steve Dave.

All right, you're both experts.

Let's move on.

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Roasted pork with apple, walnut, and faro salad.

Crispy baramundi.

I mean, who doesn't like that?

With quinoa and roasted carrot salad.

Udah noodle soup.

And miso honi and soft-boiled egg soup.

No, miso soup.

Sorry.

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We know that.

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Wow.

Your first three free.

Whoa.

Your first three meals free with free shipping.

See that.

Let me try to say that three times quickly.

That's crazy.

First three meals free with free shipping.

Three free meals.

I can't even do it.

It's ridiculous.

Enough with the tongue twisters, Blue Apron.

People got to eat.

Oh, you want me to bite my tongue like any of your delicious food?

Blueapron.com/slash T-E-S-D.

Blue Apron, a better way to cook.

I think they stole Blue Juice, the right side of cool.

I think they stole that from me.

It sounds too close.

I'll be suing you, Blue Apron.

So now, Mr.

Bruce, in regards to testimony four,

isn't it true the notes that you proclaim so highly are the same?

That he supplies a compliment.

That is not true.

You didn't claim your notes were that good.

No, my no notes are excellent, but I write them.

I don't copy and paste them like some people.

I never said that.

No, but you were leading that direction.

But you're about to.

Plus, your entire fucking attack is copy and pasted from Brian Johnson's opening.

I don't think you can't fucking see it.

Oh, please.

Should I go out to the defense's opening statement that anybody can read?

Fucking.

How are you sitting there comfortably with Johnson's hand up your ass?

Fucking puppying yourself.

I'm throwing my own opening statement.

I see his fingers in your throat.

Your fucking gap teeth.

Don't be shaking, get him.

You're doing great.

Well, Mr.

Bruce, if that's a testimony that you want to go with, even though it's discouraged.

Judge, I don't understand what the prosecutor is saying.

No one does.

Look, I want to say if he's willing to lie about copying and pasting things, I say we should throw out his testimony.

I beg your pardon.

I actually have my books are like right across the street.

I can bring them to the book.

You've written books?

Well, no, the notebooks.

I keep all those.

I keep all my notes.

So

you were denying that anything that's written on the call sheets as Rob Bruce's notes is all your popularity.

Have you ever seen Rob Bruce's notes?

Yes, I have.

Why are you seeing...

Yes, I have, and I've looked online and I saw the exact same jokes written by someone on their blog.

What are you talking about?

Jokes?

I don't write jokes.

Yes, you did.

You put them in little parentheses because they were copied and pasted directly from a website.

Do I ever write jokes?

I don't know.

I never.

You get the notes.

Have you ever seen jokes?

I don't know.

If they were supposed to be jokes, they weren't funny, though.

There you go.

I don't write jokes.

You just copied the jokes just having to be in the middle.

So I do research for the ID.

Do you have an example of one of these jokes?

It would be Duke, the dog.

I remember on the notes, it was the thing about Duke having a periscope in an elevator, and I found that on someone else's blog post.

You?

I can't believe it's taken that long for that sentence to be uttered.

What the fuck are we talking about?

I've never had a dog named Duke.

It's Duke the Wonder Dog, asshole.

It's actually not Duke's complicated.

It's not Duke.

What's that?

It's not Duke the Wonder Dog.

What was it?

It was Duke the Action Dog.

Duke no wonder.

That's right.

Google Eyes.

That's right.

You know why?

You know why?

Because that's a man who's doing his research.

It's all about research.

If the side of the box says he comes with an elevator and a periscope, and you're just saying it comes with an elevator and a periscope because it's on the side of the box that was originally printed in 1973, then how can that be plagiarizing?

Because the notes said, why would a dog have a periscope?

And I found that on someone else's blue box.

On the box.

Is that a joke?

I'm just a boy.

Rob Bruce said, why would a dog have a periscope that they're selling to kids?

That seems like a legitimate question.

Why the fuck would a dog have a periscope?

Yeah.

But again,

what he wrote under Rob Bruce's notes was found on another person's face.

Yeah, but you know, that's not a note.

But those were fried.

That's such a notes.

That's not such a useful

set of words.

Given to public

dissemination.

It's called research, bitch.

And they were not allowed to be out in the public opinion or the public people.

Again, you know.

So, how did you get them?

All right, man.

Where did you steal those notes from?

I didn't steal them from.

We didn't steal them.

He could see them here.

Yeah, those notes everybody.

He works here.

So you're rooting around on Mike Zapsic's stuff behind behind the streets.

Robert, Robert, Robert.

Jock Hughes!

He probably found him in the garbage car.

This is why it's taken four years that you were to come back on Tom Steve Dave.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, you got too carried away.

You get too passionate about it.

Just for the record, that's called acting.

He's not being bullied by missing.

You could try it when you're on the show.

And the truth.

A pop culturist and actor.

The truth.

You can't handle the truth.

Oh, Lord.

I'm sure you made up that line line as well.

I'm done with this witness.

All right.

Oof.

Who thought it would end so fiery?

Wow.

Do we need to

keep this witness on the standard?

Anything that needs clarification, do you think?

Well, you're an expert in pop culture, right?

That is correct.

Okay.

Now, in your opinion, is Impractical Jokers and Tell Em Steve, Dave, important to the current pop culture?

I believe that they will be relevant within the zygist of pop culture for the next 10, 20 years.

There will be references made to them.

So in

some

respects, yes.

Now history is unfolding itself every day.

So who knows what 10 years is going to bring?

But I think that the amount of material that's being produced will have a long-term ramification in the future of podcasting humor, television humor.

So yes,

I will say that.

Someday people will talk about us like we talk about Abbott and Costello.

And in your expert opinion, that's based primarily on the humor in the show.

Correct.

And part of that humor is offered by the defendant.

Absolutely.

No further questions.

That's it.

Nice.

Thank you.

It really got off track about pop culture.

I think it's very telling.

Am I going on the stand?

You are going to be.

Well, I was going to ask you, but I was going to ask you: do you want to testify on your behalf?

You want to get up there?

I mean,

but you're going to open yourself up to cross.

You don't have to understand.

What's it called when you don't testify?

No, that's not.

No, I'm waving my rights.

Yeah, waiving your rights to testify.

Okay, you're going to waive them, huh?

But then you're going to be up there, mono amano, against Gidham.

You ready for that?

Okay, I'll take that risk.

Do you take that risk?

Yeah.

You're going to have to answer the tough questions, the hard questions.

I'm willing to.

Willing to.

Willing to.

I have nothing to hide.

Okay.

Well, let's go up there and be sworn in.

Brian Q.

Step forward, please.

Place your right hand on this 2015 tax return.

Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

So help you, God and Rosie O'Donnell.

I do.

Right on.

You can be seated.

Let's

for the record.

Yes.

What does Telm Steve Dave mean to you?

It's imagine

you're on a a boat, Walter, if I can.

I can imagine.

And

I wanted to paint sunsets on a boat.

Beautiful.

Right?

And you're on that boat, and that boat's going in a certain direction, and then a storm comes, and the boat, you're thrown off the boat.

You're into a world that you never expected.

You're afraid of drowning.

You don't know what's going on.

You're confused.

Your pains are all fucked up as you go.

And then you come.

You come to an island that, for some reason, is well stocked with food and love and support and friendship, comfort, warmth, fire.

That's what telling Steve Davis to me.

Steve Island?

Yeah.

In my crazy life, dude,

where I don't know what's going to happen from one day to the next.

From the time I was a fireman, dude, and

I was running into buildings, unsure if every time I went to work, I was going to die in service of other people, the craziness of that to the uncertainty of having a TV show,

to retiring from the fire department, to

navigating uncertain success and how long it's going to go, and no ability to plan a life, and all that craziness.

Telling Steve Dave is the one thing that I come to

in my life that brings me comfort and joy, serenity, and stability.

And that's what Tell and Steve Dave is to me.

It's been alleged that as a fireman, all you did was snake toilets and pump out basements.

Any truth to that?

It is unfortunately part of the job.

You don't get medals for doing that, my friend.

I'm not going to tell you who alleged it.

It could be a member of, you know, it could be co-counsel to Walton Giddem.

Maybe not.

I don't know.

Now, let's address

some of

these accusations

that are hanging over your head right now.

Sword of Damocles hanging over my head right now.

The Hillary joke.

Can you once and for all explain

what it was meant to be,

why it didn't come to

why it didn't have the punchline was never delivered?

Well, the punchline was never delivered because it was, look, this was an example of me making myself, willing to make myself look bad to the audience.

I know the audience.

Success.

In a different way.

I know the audience knows me well enough to know that I was saying everything about supporting her with a certain tone of voice and with a shit-eating grin on my face, right?

That you can obviously say.

And rightly so,

they called me out on that, which was

what it was supposed to be.

So you agree with some of the

backlash.

Well, the whole idea was like, I keep supporting her, and I keep insisting that I'm sincere.

You guys tell me that I'm not the whole time.

The audience tells me that I'm not.

I sincere.

And then I'm revealed to be a complete fraud when she appears on Impractical Jokers.

And it becomes clear to everybody that the only reason I was supporting her was because she was coming on my TV show.

So that is, in essence, what happened when she didn't appear?

You couldn't carry through with the punchline.

It's beyond your control.

I took a shot, Walt, and

it didn't succeed.

But if it had, it would have involved

possibly the President of the United States on Telemstead.

You took a shot.

Now,

has Michael Jordan hit every shot he took?

Oh, no.

Has Babe Ruth hit a home run every time at Babette?

Absolutely not.

Okay, let's move on.

What was some of the the

oh, the taxes.

The fucking references.

The taxes.

Yeah, paper.

Paper.

Michael's on.

Yeah, the taxes.

The taxes thing.

Now, this has always been,

I think, the one that we need to, once and for all,

squash that you're insensitive or that you don't want to pay your fair share to Uncle Sam.

You are one of the most patriotic beings that has on two legs.

Correct.

I consider myself that.

Yeah.

So let's explain the tax joke.

First of all, can I say something about the tax joke?

Was it a joke?

I realize that

I might have just beat that horse into the ground.

And I think that if you listen to the last few months of Talon Steve, Dave, there's really almost no tax references, even though we're fucking approaching tax season.

Okay?

Is your client admitting to guilt for every single count?

Yeah, he did it.

Yeah, you are.

But you know what?

Yes, with a bots.

No, it's not.

Let me explain myself.

Like I said about telling Steve Davids, like, this was the place where I,

as we were ascending in popularity on Impractical Jokers, I thought and still feel like this is the place that I can come and be myself.

And for the aunts who were with us from the beginning, like I thought, perhaps wrongly, that they would be interested in the inside view of what it's like to be on this ride.

I guess I was wrong about that.

You know what I mean?

And when I heard annoyance about the tax thing, like I just

came from a place of like

of how many people

that you

that you

see

where's my violin?

I was trying to be honest.

I just wore three of them.

I was trying to be honest.

You were keeping it real.

I was trying to keep it real because this is the place that we come to talk about stuff that bothers us.

Also, while keeping it real, there was a level of sarcasm, correct?

Yeah.

I mean, of course, once it started bothering people, then I started hitting the bottom.

It's fair to say that it almost entirely was done in sarcasm, correct?

I don't say entirely,

but it was brought up a lot.

It would be better for you.

I got to be honest.

After a certain point, it definitely became that.

Because then I could say that maybe

it's the listeners who don't get sarcasm that are to blame.

I'm going to be honest.

So you're blaming me?

I'm going to be honest.

after a certain point, it definitely became that.

But I, in retrospect, don't even think it was the right decision to do that.

Wow.

I think I think the record show that I hit that button a little too hard.

The man is under oath and he's taking it very

seriously.

Only a common man would do that.

The man who makes $410,000.

Yeah.

Sucking my dick.

Yes.

Let's address that elephant in a room.

Okay.

Yeah.

And address it slowly.

I don't understand.

I'm confused by that because either.

So am I.

Either I shoot, either I come in and ruin Overkill and all your stories.

Like I'm constantly meeting some of the people.

Well,

I think we're moving on to the Prussian government.

Well, no, no, no, not Prussian devil.

But the complaint about it is that every time you bring something to Overkill, I poo-poo it and shoot it down.

No, that was the game.

So how am I...

Or the game.

Fine.

Thank you.

Thank you, Prosecution.

I appreciate that.

I appreciate that.

We're also talking about poo-pooing with the game.

I appreciate it.

I've done other things.

I appreciate that.

So, or you bring in a game.

Sucking dick was there.

This wasn't a problem.

Or you bring in a game and you work hard on it.

And I guess the question I have is: like, how can I ruin all the work you do and ruin the games that you've come up with and shoot it down all your hard work

and suck your dick at the same time?

Again, it's a very good idea.

I don't entirely get that.

It's a statement.

An impossible feat.

It's a conundrum for sure.

Because you have two entirely different statements.

We're talking about two of the same people, so it doesn't matter.

The very fact that you are

shitting makes it impossible for you to perform fellatio.

That's right.

I think so, yeah.

So I'm confused of what.

Are you guys in a 69?

Because

I can't rule it out.

That's for sure.

That's right.

That's right.

Okay.

All right.

So let's move on.

So

I agree.

There's been no

not even light petting.

You know what I think?

Let's hear.

Okay.

Even over the past.

Wait, where is that, Troy?

Q also needs to lay off sucking Walt's penis.

All he does is fawn and agree with everything Walt says.

All he does.

All he does.

All I do, the prosecution said.

All I do.

Have they never heard a game of deflection?

Right?

Interesting.

But it goes into the other statement.

It's definitely inconsistent.

It's definitely inconsistent.

Right?

I mean, a totally false statement, totally without any merit.

Unfounded.

Untrue.

Unfounded.

I think what they may be responding to is how close I've grown to you over the years and how much I treasure your friendship and love you as a person.

Maybe that's coming true, but you and I disagree frequently.

But in that, and during those disagreements, never is there

either dick sucking or

ass-kicking.

Literally or figuratively.

Right.

Right.

Okay.

Just want to make that super clear to this asshole who wrote that.

Right.

Okay.

Whenever Walt says something.

I'm going to draw my statement.

Whenever Walt says,

whenever Walt says something dumb,

this person claims for you to be on the verge of orgasm.

Maybe sometimes.

Maybe sometimes.

I mean, you're funny.

And you say dumb things sometimes for effect.

And if I find that funny, like if I didn't, well, what the fuck would I be doing here every day?

Yeah, why wouldn't you, orgasm?

Yeah.

Let's address the giddem bashing.

Okay, let's address the getem bashing.

Is it not true that any giddem bashing is done solely for comedic effect and for the show's benefit?

And off

Mike, you guys.

That's his sticker.

I mean, I guess you could say that I bash him and that I invite him to premieres and ask him to hang out with me and try and raise money for his teeth

and retweet him so his Twitter numbers get up, so I know he cares about that stuff.

I guess.

All those could be seen as bashing

in some people's delusional eyes.

So, this person who wrote in they have no mixed feelings about anyone in their life.

Can I ask you something?

Do you think that Gedim typed up these notes on the iPad I gave him when he said he didn't have the ability to play music in the store?

I can confirm with 100% he did.

He did.

Okay.

That's okay.

That's some bashing I do.

That's not true.

I bet.

What?

We went out to dinner.

Whose iPad did you bring?

That's not those notes right there.

But whose iPad did you bring to dinner?

I brought the iPad that Q gave me.

I can attest to that.

All right.

From you, let's go over this one.

The bragger.

The bragger cube, the character that you've kind of fashioned, maybe

since.

Sounds like an example of the bragging.

You're always bragging about puss and how hot you are.

I was backstage.

Right.

But

I think what he means is the sort of

the image that he and I have created.

Got you.

I think that's what we're getting at here.

Right.

I need an example of bragging to go at, to get at.

All right.

What about the colonel conversation?

Hold on one second.

Because let me go back to that for a second.

Like, did I ever fucking come on to LMC Dave and try and sell a single ticket for any show I've ever done with the 10 ones?

If I've done that, I can't remember it.

Very rare.

I don't know.

It's possible, though.

It's possible, but overwhelmingly, I don't sit here and be like, wow, we're playing the O2 next month.

Anyone want to come?

I already sold it out four times.

And that was funny.

And that was for comedic effect.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You know, I don't come in here

and really talk about anything

aside from.

All right, well, what about the kernel controversy then?

Some would say that that was, if it was not a joke, it would have to be bragging.

Then it wasn't a joke.

Am I not allowed to be proud of the fact that I was bestowed an honor by the government of the United States?

Like, am I not allowed to be proud of that?

Like, I don't understand.

He's a colonel, for Christ's sake.

I'm a colonel.

Like, I can't take pride in the fact that

the state of Kentucky chose to bestow me the same honor as it did my hero, Hunter S.

Thompson.

Like,

why am I thanking you?

And Giddam's hero, the colonel from Kentucky Fried Chicken?

Right.

Like, why?

Why am I not allowed to do that?

Thanks for Christmas.

Like, why can't I do that?

Honey dip.

I would think that most people

would be proud upon receiving such an honor

and a title such as Colonel.

I think so.

And if you go back to the early episodes, we're talking about the fire department, and you guys would ask me for fire stories.

I specifically said I don't want to tell fire stories because I don't want to be singled out as the one who did something special.

Because they always involve snaking toilets.

and pumping out basements.

That was earlier.

I was telling Brian saying that the only war stories you tell from the fire department are pumping out flooded basements.

Right.

Okay.

And

this is to them.

That's right to the point.

Right.

That's to my point.

Like, I don't want to tell stories about the things that I've done because then it seems like I'm taking credit for what's very much a team effort.

Right.

Too humble.

I don't want to say that.

Take that credit.

I'm just saying, like, I'm allowed to be proud of the Colonel thing, but if you need an example of me not crowing about my accomplishments, there you go the kernel thing is just something that happened here's what happened I didn't ask for it they gave it

statement of fact why am I not allowed to it's my title I was given a title I'm not allowed to fucking use it hey you saw my phone I'm into this kernel right I respect the title so I may have to respectfully disagree with this this trendy person this ready person what time is it Let's ask MVMT Watches,

the watch that won't break your bank.

Their goal was to change the way consumers think about fashion by offering high quality, minimalist podcasts at revolutionary prices.

This is a revolution, people.

You've heard of revolutions before.

MDMT Watches is the Shague vera of the watch world, I'm assuming.

500,000 watches sold to customers in 160-plus countries.

I have one.

Let me tell you.

People see that on your wrist.

It's like the same as like if you were wearing a beret and had like a cigar in your mouth.

They started just $95.

At a department store, you're looking at $4,500.

We all know this.

You're going to tell us anything new on VMT watches.

MVMT

watches.com slash TESD.

You're going to get 15% off, free shipping, free returns.

You're not going to need that free return because you're going to love it.

It's inexpensive and it looks pretty good.

You're going to look like a playa.

What's a female equivalent of playa?

Well, if you're you're female, you look like a playa too.

I guess they got some nice girls' watches as well.

Or, you know,

gender binary fluid watches.

If that's your thing, I'm sure they got them.

Get whatever watch you want.

I really don't give a shit.

Just go to mbmtwatches.com/slash T-E-S-D and join the movement.

That's kind of weird.

Again, a strange, like, join the movement.

It's just, I know that, like, movement, that's their whole thing, but it sounds like bowel movement.

I would rethink that.

Next on the docket:

the Prussian kissing devil skull.

Yes.

100% true.

Can you, under oath, is that story that you told on that episode 100% accurate?

Is there such a thing as 100% accurate, Walter?

Is there such a thing as 100% rumor?

You're under oath.

Is there?

I will say under oath that

90% of the story is true.

90%.

And which 90%?

The

tug to go back to the market may not have been as strong as I said, but I definitely drove by it and was like, oh, man, I should check that out.

And I did have a problem.

And after I gave the money to the skull, the problem was solved.

I think if anything, I played up a little bit at the beginning about being like, I have to go back.

The rest of the story is true.

All right.

And so, and it did solve, you did,

in your mind,

the skull solved multiple problems you had.

In my mind, the giving of the $5 to the skull coincided with the problem going away.

And that is just a matter of faith.

No one can say that's right or wrong.

They can, but

it's not for them to.

Like we said, what's the difference if you give $5 to the skull or you put $5 in a collection plate on a Sunday?

Right.

Do I have any other things in Lockdown Q?

Any other things that you want to address?

We did the Hillary.

We got the.

I think we've.

Is there anything else that I'm missing that you really want to say before I pass you off to Ginem?

There is.

There is.

The montage that Ginham played on various quotes over the years.

Despite I know for a fact some of them were taken out of context.

Oh, definitely taken out of context.

I did hear some things in there that I was like,

yeah,

maybe

that was, maybe that was said in the moment with no thinking.

Maybe, maybe if I had the chance to remain on Telen Steve, Dave, I would want to

think a little bit more for yourself.

What about the Ching Chung song?

I've apologized for that.

Like,

I've issued a little formal apology.

I've never been so disappointed in you in my life.

You realize realize you offended the Orientals.

I apologize to the Orientals.

And before I pass you off, though, can we just give a little insight into

how it makes you feel

when

the amount of hours that you've given to the listening community when

you go on and you see something written that is hurtful?

I mean, just give us a little insight into what that does to a person's psyche.

You know,

look, as much as I can laugh it off, it does, you know, it stings for a little bit, and it makes me wonder why.

Then I get mad at myself for like, well, why did I even bother reading it?

And then, two, why am I getting upset about it?

And then if I'm like in the shower and I think about it, jerking off to it, jerking off to it,

then I'm like, well, now I'm allowing this person to enter my personal life and upset me when I could be thinking about anything else.

So, you know, it can be upsetting.

All right.

All right.

I think, unless there's anything else, but Troy, you have anything that you'd like to

ask as co-counsel?

Why such a pussy?

Going to

you being funny.

Name some of the venues that you've played at and sold out.

I mean, can I do it without being funny?

Without bragging?

This gives you a pass on sounding like a bragger because you're being asked about in in defense of yourself.

Okay.

Feel free to include any Tell Hem Steve Dave shows at Podfest.

Oh.

Sold Out Cruise.

Cruise, that was big.

The cruise that's coming in October only has like 80 cabins left.

That's going to sell out.

The O2 Arena, 15,000 seats a night.

Gramercy.

Gramercy Theater.

Radio City.

Radio City.

Three nights.

I mean, you know.

It's endless.

I can't name all of it.

Houston, I guess.

Southwest.

This isn't for you to brag.

This is to illustrate that a lot of people think you're funny.

It seems like a lot of people think I'm funny, but more importantly,

I know funny, that's the question.

Now,

to that point,

earlier Ming and Mike testified as being experts on comedy.

And they said that they have listened to Tom Steve Dave and they come to watch your show.

And I actually was at the Radio City show one night, and Ming and Mike were there.

So they came to see you as experts on comedy.

I was surprised they were sucking each other's cocks in the men's room.

Now, I'm not watching the show.

Do you

think you're not moved?

Yeah, no, because he's also an every man who takes care of his friends.

You got to take care of your friends.

Right.

So they're a cop ticket.

So,

you don't care.

That's what I'm saying.

You don't value things.

You don't value things.

The two of them are experts on comedy.

Shit.

As per their earlier expert testimony.

Yeah.

They came to see you at numerous shows.

Have you ever seen Megan Mike perform in a live live setting?

Are we going back to that donkey show?

Not for ISL Comics.

I've seen them on panels at concerts.

Okay, on panels with Brian Waltz.

Yeah.

Do you listen to ISL Comics?

I don't.

I haven't listened to Donald Trump.

He goes to bed very early.

You got it.

Do you like comics, though, right?

I love comics.

But I love to listen to a podcast about comics.

Certainly, when they listen to ISL Comics.

I like to develop my own opinions on comics.

To the point that this man knows funny.

I was all set up.

And going back to being relatable,

I mean,

I can, as your friend and counselor,

I can state that I have not seen a change.

And it's hard not to change.

I know I've changed in certain ways, and I'm aware of what what they are.

But I think relatability comes into like, how often do we talk about depression?

How often do we talk about

how we have good childhoods, but we still shit all over them?

You know, I don't think we've lost that, or I've lost that.

Like, I still come in here and be like, I'm really depressed, or I'm really happy, or when I got sick, like, I was afraid for my life.

Like, these are the things that I have said, that people have said to me, you saying them

allowed me to feel better about the way I feel.

They allowed me to relate to them and feel better about themselves.

And I hear that all the time.

It's true.

You get a lot.

Tell them Steve Dave gets a lot of thanks and accolades for your ability to open up yourself.

That story you told about

your fiancé.

I mean, I mean, that's embarrassing shit.

Right.

And you opened up yourself to that very audience.

Right.

And I mean, on a le I have never done that.

I couldn't do it, but you did.

For the sake of being honest.

For people who say you're not honest, that's ridiculous because that's a story that not a lot of people would tell, and you told it with dignity.

Thank you.

And I get mocked constantly for it.

You've got to sink even lower.

You've got to talk about selling sling boxes for drugs.

Then you'll be really relatable.

And I mean,

when you mentioned you got sick,

you didn't miss a lot of Tell him Steve Davis, even with

a very serious illness.

you continue to come down and

give the listenership a piece of your life weekly.

I was here for at least part of a month where I thought that

I was going to not make it through the year.

And you still came down?

Still came down.

I call that every week.

That's math.

But yeah, like the sickness got so serious that that's where I thought it was going.

it was, like, all kidding aside, I mean, it was a serious, and it was, it was.

It was as serious as you.

And it was, it could affect your ability to even be funny, but it didn't.

Legit brain damage.

Yes.

Yeah.

And it didn't, but it didn't affect, as far as I'm concerned, it didn't affect your humor at all.

You don't think it could possibly just have a little bit to do with Hillary or the skeleton of a list.

All right.

No further questions.

Thank you.

Thank you, Wolf.

No further questions.

You're a witness.

You're going to look like a real piece of shit now.

This case is over.

Do you want to bring up the,

you know how relatable you are and the very fact that you set up a fund for

my colleagues'

two front teeth?

You want to talk about that for a second?

Well, you know, before he goes at you.

You know, it's because I understand what it's like not to feel good about yourself all the time.

I understand what it's like to have image issues.

And I don't want my friend Giddam to suffer from those.

The teeth are pretty visible, so I thought, hey, maybe there's something I can do to help a guy.

So I did take it upon myself to,

you know,

and you've raised thousands.

I don't even keep track.

I don't know.

I can't give you that number.

It's got to be close to 1,000, right?

Sure.

All right.

He still doesn't have the teeth.

Despite that, I'm not going to stop until he has those teeth.

Despite what he's about to say to me.

You'll never stop.

No matter what happens here tonight.

Yeah.

You're a witness counselor.

This person you're doing the fundraiser for for the kid who needs to cochlear implants, it's another celebrity, right?

Because you only hang out with celebrities?

No, fireman.

Right.

Fireman from my house.

Yeah.

Okay.

And he needs ears, Troy, not cochlear implants.

Born earless.

So, I mean, where the fuck did he go?

He had to go lock that door, I think.

No, Sunday Jeff went with her.

Where's he going?

Sunday Jeff's making a move on her.

Look at him.

He really is.

He's got his hand though.

He's like, what's this?

What's this?

What's this little push?

What's this?

What is this deal?

What does this do?

What's this do?

What does this do?

So, evening, Mr.

Q.

Hello.

All right.

Just some of your previous testimony, you didn't brag, of course, but you were saying how many shows you sold out, correct?

I answered the question put forward to me by the attorneys, yes.

And also, not how many shows you sold out that you, as a comedic group, have sold out.

It's not a solo effort.

No, no, no, no, no.

He never said that.

So, how many of them did you do by yourself?

I don't think I did any of them by myself.

Oh, so you were part of an entourage then?

Well, yeah, I mean, an entourage isn't the right word.

A comedy troupe.

A comedy troupe would be a better word.

A comedy troublist.

So you're part of a group called the Tenderloins?

Yes.

Were you always part of that group?

No.

No.

Oh, so

you replaced somebody?

No, I don't think so.

I don't think I replaced.

That implies that someone left, and then I replaced their spot.

Someone left, and then eventually I came in and did something different from them.

You were brought into the group.

You replaced Chris Labundo.

Brought into the group?

No, I guess.

Not really.

What happened was.

Remember, please, you're under oath.

Stop sidestepping around the questions.

Just answer.

I am.

What happened was we started doing videos for the NBC HA Show contest, and we needed a name to call ourselves.

And the guy said, Hey, we used to be the Ten of the Lines.

Why don't we just use that?

Because

they have a mailing list.

It's a yes or no question, Mr.

Smith.

It's not a yes or no question.

Yes, it is.

Did they bring you into the group or not?

Badgering the witness.

No.

They did not bring you into the group.

They did not bring me into the group.

So you just wandered in and they were feeding you lunch and you just...

Well, I'm trying to explain to you, and you told me to do yes or no.

I was in the middle of giving you the answer to this question.

Do you want me to restart?

I think the real question is, why did they name themselves after the gay section in San Francisco?

I think that's self-evident, my friends.

I don't know what I said.

Do you want me to say yes or no?

You want me to give you the answer to your question?

Yes or no?

Were you brought into a pre-existing group?

No.

No?

All right.

I was not brought in.

You're a ringer.

Okay.

That's a way of that.

All right,

Kenneth.

Yes, I was brought in.

So the other members of the group brought in.

I know I couldn't continue.

Is it a conundrum?

Because you didn't even want you to say.

No, because I was trying to go.

I know you're trying to.

Yes, yes, I was brought in.

I was brought in.

All right.

He had nothing for both.

So.

I thought I was coming out of path.

All right.

What's an acceptable ratio of people who have to like you versus dislike you as a person?

As a person?

Yes.

As a person?

People that know me personally.

Yes.

Or no, or just your persona.

Well, those are two different things.

What are you asking?

Should have said performer.

Okay, fine.

Say performer.

What's an acceptable ratio of people who have to like you versus dislike you as a performer uh or you could say your personality

yeah that's a good question in in what aspect i don't know bright intelligence

ratio of people who have to like you versus dislike you what 2040 1050 pick well i would say as a as a share of 100 i would say

20 40 10 50.

what happened to the other fucking 40 versus in the terms of 100 um

is acceptable to like me you You know what, get him?

Talk it to the mic.

You've been on fucking podcasts for six years.

You know what, get him?

I got to say, like, I'm not satisfied until I make 100% of the people happy.

So

you would need 100% approval rating.

I would like 100% approval rating.

So that's what's acceptable to you.

It's 100% approval rating.

No, you asked me what's acceptable?

Yeah, yes.

The question is acceptable.

Oh,

geez.

I mean, 51% is acceptable.

So 51% of the people just have to like you, and that makes it happy.

I'd say the majority of people.

Which it would be 51% is the majority in the middle of the day.

That's why I gave you, yes.

So the comments on Reddit are an infinitesimal percentage of the TESD listeners, yet you're making such a big deal about it.

Well, the Redditor comments aren't about my performance.

The Redditor comments are personal attacks on me,

not as a performer.

They're telling me I'm a bad person, not my performance.

Oh, I think they are saying you're about your performance.

If what you're saying is what you testified to before, that what you do is sarcasm and part of a performance about lying about things.

Quote unquote.

Right.

And that's what I said.

Maybe I took the tax thing a little too far, but some of the other stuff,

whoa, personal attacks.

So

the part about the waitress story that you decided you thought it was so funny, you had to have it keep up on the Reddit group because you wanted to talk about it on the next episode.

And when it fell flat, because it wasn't true, well, I guess I don't think it fell flat.

And people attacked you because it was obviously so untrue.

And you were like, oh, I wanted to play it off, like, it was true.

That's not my version of the events.

I didn't think it fell flat.

I thought it was.

It was hysterical.

Yeah.

The story was hysterical.

I think it inspired a song.

Yeah.

Which was even better than the actual story.

That's not saying the story is flat.

Right.

That song was amazing.

Creative inspiration.

I love how my co-counsel is helping me out here so much.

And the judge.

The judge has been on your side.

He wrote your whole fucking thing.

So don't talk about him being there.

How much more can he be on your side?

Jesus Christ.

All right.

So

you're saying you received some personal hate on the internet, correct?

Yeah.

Oh, you have?

All right.

You're ready?

You're ready.

If the judge allows me, I'm going to read some internet comments, and I want your opinion on them.

Okay.

All right.

Comment one.

Can you please kill yourself live on the next episode?

You have a high IQ.

You're a fucking buffoon.

You kill the show.

Next comment.

You white trass, toothless pedophile looking derelict.

Stop mooching off other people's hard work.

Talk about you.

Stop ruining things for people, you fucking abortion.

You try to make the show about yourself, and it's horrific.

Change your AVI, you fat, toothless fucking fraud.

Can't believe you?

Change your AVI, you fat, toothless fucking fraud.

You fucking parasite.

Wow.

Next one.

I've already apologized for all these.

I fucking hate you.

I hope that wrist lump is inoperable cancer.

You fucking faggot.

Wow.

I mean, you should strike that one.

If you're getting that from Diddle and plus you're no faggot

you're such a you're such a lying piece you're sorry you're such a fucking lying piece of shit you speak out of turn constantly

um

seeing how he ruined the show for so many people you fucking wrote in cocksucker you should have to refund people's money for every test item t item you've ever bought

Did you say those are hateful comments?

Yeah, hell yeah.

So

are those along the lines of something that you've received?

I would say they come from the same type of people.

Yeah.

Do you receive comments like that?

Sure.

Maybe, maybe not.

You know what?

I got to be fair.

Maybe not quite as fucking.

Oh, that's I read.

Yeah.

That doesn't matter.

But that is rough shit, but I would say that the same type of people write both.

Okay.

I would love to hear if you're going to go under oath and say that you've seen things written on

that level.

No, no, no, no.

But I think the same type of of people that would write that would write the same things that they wrote about me.

I don't.

Have they written it about you?

I mean, not that I've seen things.

You said you received hurtful attacks against you personally.

I preceed diet cancer.

I've received death threats.

Do you receive death threats on Reddit?

On Twitter?

I don't know about on Reddit.

I've received death threats on Twitter.

Did you report it?

We have a list of names of people who try and buy tickets to our show.

We have metal detectives for the meet and greets now because of the death threats.

Wow.

Yeah.

I didn't realize it was that serious.

Why do they want to kill you?

Why do people hate Gedham?

Well,

do we have to answer that?

It is interesting that Gedham would take on the case of the people who write these type of things when they write those things about him.

That makes me question his.

But to be fair, if he didn't take the case on,

we gave it to him.

He forced him to do it.

You're right.

And much like

a public defender,

he had to take it.

He had no choice.

Well, let me ask you something.

What does that have to do with all those comments have to do with me at all or this case?

It seems they have no relevancy at all.

I think I disagree.

I think that.

Well, you're my attorney.

Don't disagree.

As your attorney, it is relevant because these are the type of people who are attacking you, like you said.

So you agree that those are the same type of people who are attacking me.

Okay, got it.

Right, but I think that is, this is...

I just told you, I get death threats.

A teaching moment to listeners.

Okay.

Don't be doing this kind of stuff.

Don't write these kind of things.

Don't even write that you didn't like Tell him Steve Dave.

Oh, definitely don't do that.

Even that little bit is unacceptable.

You have to.

Keep it positive.

Yeah.

By all times.

You're going back if you have nothing nice to say or post.

Right.

Right.

Exactly.

Nothing at all.

Because if you, because just because, because if you think you write, oh, I don't think this episode was up to stuff this week.

Something seemed off.

You're just as bad as the guy who wrote, I hope you get testicular cancer, right?

I agree.

You're no better.

You may as well be Simmi shooting off funerals.

Exactly.

Simmy's that kind of guy.

Simmy probably wrote those comments, Kenny.

What do you got, Kenny?

Hold on, I gotta cross out stuff.

But I'm not seeing the point of what you were asking.

What was that leading to?

He was saying that you like.

He was saying that he thinks he receives comments, and these are the kind of comments that I receive.

Yeah, but I've been on the red, and I've never seen it.

He doesn't get a web push.

I didn't say I was the only person in the world that

receives comments like that.

Would you be my attorney for two fucking more seconds?

So I'm supposed to have the same emotional reactions to things as Ghetto.

No,

I think you have to weigh

the amount of hate of seeing someone say, I don't believe the story.

I don't believe the story Q said about the skull.

Oh, I don't care if somebody's different is far more.

It's not even the same baldness.

That's not relevant to my case at all.

He's trying to paint a picture that you maybe overreacted.

Yeah, because somebody's not going to be able to say that.

But it's just saying that it bothered me?

I don't understand how I overreacted.

It bothers you that I went online and someone said they didn't believe my story that I even admitted here wasn't all the way true.

And that's what bothers me.

Right.

And meanwhile, here's some guy saying, I hope you have cancer and die.

Kill yourself the next episode.

And you're equating those two as being just as equally hard.

I'm not equating you.

You're the only one who brought them up to equate them.

You brought that up.

I said you used to receive hate.

How can you call what you received hate when this is what other people receive?

Can I get the comments about me again?

Yeah.

You don't think I can find hate in there, Gene?

You're telling me I can't find hate in there.

In the way of I hope you get operable cancer, but you are the one that are making that.

I'm not making that next.

I'm saying this is what I received.

I think he's trying to show you the contrast of like what

you consider hate.

Trying to show you that like what you got is nothing compared to what some people are dealing with.

Fall back on this.

This is what I always say.

Just because someone else has it worse now, I don't got it bad.

Exactly.

Yeah, but so what?

Like you can say that about anything.

You can make that comparison to anything, like the judge said.

So So what is Giddam's earnings?

Because he walks around still.

He doesn't let those comments bother him.

He walks around and still in a great mood, and

he doesn't have any kind of like.

But nobody's questioning that.

I don't want to show.

Not only is nobody arguing seriously that he should be more like Giddam.

Well, no, my argument is.

Why is it your argument?

You're my attorney.

That shouldn't be your argument anyway, David.

I don't go on a podcast and complain about this kind of stuff, and you come on and just a little bit, someone critiques you just a little bit, and you got to go and make a big deal, a federal case out of it in TES detail.

Okay, so what I'm learning is that

I am not entitled to my own reaction to things, and that I should always think WWGG, what would get him to.

Before I do anything in life.

I don't think.

Before I take the stage of the O2 or any of the things that I've done to get myself there, I should think what would get him to.

See, it's really funny because we already admitted that it was an act before,

about how upset you were over these Reddit comments.

But you came in here like fire.

Oh, I saw this Reddit comment.

Everything on Reddit's horrible about me.

Oh, look at this.

They're commenting about the story that they don't believe is real.

And you make it seem like that was the biggest thing in the world.

No, I didn't.

I said it bothered me.

Yeah.

Like, it was so bad.

And

all that they said was bad was just a little bit.

To you.

Not to me.

On a scale of one to ten, his comments compare to your comments.

But Giddam's comments are irrelevant.

They don't matter.

From comments about me to comments about you.

But they don't matter in this case.

It's not about.

Only the judge can weigh that.

Sounds like they hate Giddam more than they hate Q.

That's the difference.

Yeah, but so what?

What does that have to do with my response to what people said about me?

It's completely irrelevant.

Judge?

It means nothing.

Should he have to answer the question?

I'll answer the question.

What's the question?

On a scale.

From my attorney.

On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being

not very relevant.

The comments are not worthy enough to

even move your needle.

Or hackles.

As opposed to what he just read.

But I don't understand why.

Like, all right.

So you want me to say that if somebody had wrote those things about me,

that I would have felt worse?

Yeah.

But okay, but

that's not what this trial is about.

Fine.

Just

If someone had said these same comments to you about Reddit, would you have had the same reaction that came when I hear about the little thing that you did, the little comments that they had made about you?

No, probably he would have been like, they just wished cancer of me.

Yeah, I thought they were quotability on it.

All right, move on.

Next question, I guess.

Aren't my comments worse?

They're far worse.

Aren't there any worse?

Any human being that would write that about him?

You should not be listening to Tell him Steve Dave.

It's an argument that his comments are worse, but it it has nothing to do with the case.

But it has nothing to do with the case.

They're trying to paint this asshole who wrote that and make him shame him.

You don't want to shame him.

That would be for you to say.

Why is the prosecutor saying people are shitty to me, too?

Yeah.

I mean, they said, look, man, we're talking about people who would say...

They're talking about people who would wish him dead, who

say I'm unfuckable, who

say all these hard things.

You know where it comes down to.

Here, I knew to answer this.

The entire trial.

Those people who would say those things

should be condemned and

should be made to feel like they are the lowest

of the low.

But that is not

what we're doing here.

But you're not willing to shame them.

No, but it's actually helping you.

But I've said 20 times that.

Shady as these people are

worse than you thought.

Are you telling me it wouldn't have been like if it wouldn't have been so powerful for him to be like, to just go like, wow,

I feel horrible that you have to deal with that kid at all?

And I cannot believe that my friend has to deal with it.

You can't relate to that.

These kind of comments, when you come on a show that I asked you to come on to, and I enjoy having you on, and the price you pay for that is

having to see people write those things about you.

And

it would have made him look so human.

I take it another way.

I take it another way.

I think that you don't look at what's bothering your friend and be like, well, I have it worse.

Like, let's put aside how this makes you feel, Brian.

This is why Giddam has it worse.

Like, oh, Brian, something's bothering you.

Put that on hold.

This is why Giddam has it worse.

Like, that's not how a friend operates.

A friend doesn't tell you to shut your mouth and suck it up because I have it worse.

Well, there's no friends at this table, they're just attorneys and

counsel.

But you heard those comments, yeah.

They're horrible.

What's that got to say?

But that has nothing to do with this case.

It's got nothing to do with this case.

I think it does.

I condemn those comments.

How much did you pay this lawyer?

I think it does.

Misrepresentation.

How much did you pay this lawyer?

I think that it has everything to do with the culture on the internet that would, and that if we don't condemn it here and right now, you think it's ever going to fucking stop?

You don't think that he's going to see even worse now by you fucking giving a free pass to the piece of shit that wrote that?

I condemn it.

You didn't condemn it hard enough.

It was barely a commendation.

It was like.

Trust is on trial.

I'm on trial here.

What are you talking about?

My co-counsel's mic on.

Like, all right, hold on.

What you're saying makes no sense.

Hold on.

It makes total sense.

Well, You don't go to a fucking murder trial and be like, well, I mean, the Danson family killed her.

Let me just ask the defendant.

Yeah.

Was the stuff that was said to get him horrific and shitty?

Yes.

Okay, moving on.

All right, great.

I condemn it.

Boy, that sounded sincere.

And not like he lives three hours away.

All right, so

next question.

Let's go on to the Hillary gag.

You said that it wasn't ever supposed to be funny.

No, no, no.

It would have been funny if the President of the United States appeared on my show and it was clear that's why I was supporting him.

So you were pretty much just holding the audience hostage in anticipation of a payoff that wasn't going to materialize.

Yes, Giddam.

I was holding the audience hostage for something that

I knew wasn't going to come true.

You nailed it.

Okay.

I went to every listener's house with a gun and made him sit there, listening to every episode for a joke that I knew wasn't going to pan out.

You got it, buddy.

You're getting under his skin.

You're getting under his skin.

I love other payoffs that have never materialized.

Remember the promise you made to everyone who bought season one DVD of Impractical Jokers?

Yep.

About that bonus pod?

Yes.

How was that bonus pod?

I thought it was pretty good.

The one that was never delivered and no one ever heard?

We didn't release it, but I thought it was awesome.

Oh, so you made a promise to release it and you just never did?

No, in fact,

I think we addressed this on an episode.

I could be wrong about this, but I think what we said was: we know we didn't do it.

Here's an extra episode, we're giving it to everybody.

I believe that's how that played out.

So that makes up for all the people who spent their hard-earned money to put money into your pockets to buy a DVD.

Yeah, maybe you're right about that.

Maybe you got something there, you know?

Oh, okay, good.

Because I got that much, because first you thought it was a what-say-you pod fucking idiot.

It's fine.

Now, speaking of what say you,

how about when you promised to watch and judge listener-submitted short films starring Nugget, e.g., the Nugget Film Festival?

Yes.

Of the dozens of listener-submitted videos, have you even watched one?

Yeah, we watched it.

We talked about it on the episode.

Oh, you saw them watch it.

Oh, so you did.

This is one of the episodes.

I mean, my producer's here.

I could ask him.

I watched all of them on their behalf.

Right.

But we watched them all.

You watched it by proxy.

Okay.

You have a proxy to watch your videos for you.

Did you ever promise to watch them?

I mean, I guess I did.

Who knows?

Did somebody win?

The Fast and the Furious.

Did somebody win?

Right.

I don't think it was.

Was it a contest?

It was, but it didn't get to materialize, unfortunately.

All right.

Well, the contest is still open.

You've got to get your entries in.

You guys got to get your entries in by March of 2018, and then the contest is closed.

So that was the whole plan of this.

Under oath, you're saying that's been the plan of this.

I keep saying that's the plan now.

Because I would have thought surely by now you could have found that.

What does does that have to do with this case?

All right, we'll continue.

Well,

you're expecting people.

You make requests to people all the time.

Say, buy this pod.

Find me keys.

Buy what pod?

Like any of the charity pods.

I make a request of people, buy this pod.

You mean I put a product up for sale?

You don't put a product up.

You ask people to buy it.

You ask people to purchase it.

It's called capitalism, my friend.

You call it promoting capitalism.

It's either capitalism or charity.

Which one do you have?

You've got to help with Kickstarters.

You've asked them them for all this stuff, and meanwhile,

if you have the things that you ask them, you sometimes don't provide.

Like when?

Like, again, the season one DVD.

But I told you that I thought we handled that.

Apparently, you thought you handled it, but the people who sent in emails didn't.

Okay, great.

Who are the people who

purchased the

DVD?

Who submitted films to the film festival?

We never got a completion.

Well, the film festival is still open.

I don't know what you've heard.

Two.

I've heard more than they've heard.

I've already admitted that perhaps you were right about that thing.

But what does this have to do with me being relatable or anything?

I don't know.

You should wrap it up, counselor.

Keep going.

I'm loving this.

All right.

So you were recently ill, is that correct?

Yes.

Okay.

This illness, where was it located?

Anywhere near your brain?

I mean, near my brain or my brain.

Okay,

in your brain.

I guess around the brain,

in it.

And you admitted before that it could have possibly damaged your brain, correct?

Not possibly, it did.

Oh, so it did damage your brain.

That could include sections of the brain that gauge humor and affect your relationships with

people, which no objection.

There's absolutely no evidence.

There's no medical evidence for that.

Oh, Your Honor.

Well, there is evidence.

Well, there is a doctor of pop culture in the house.

Should we ask him?

It should be said, though.

I did make that.

Keep going.

No, Your Honor, I want to say, if wanting to be called a colonel and claiming to own a magic skull that grants wishes and clarity for five bucks isn't evidence of brain damage, I don't know what it is because neither of them can be called comedy.

So then what you're saying is

what you're saying, do I have this right?

They're going to be studying this at Harvard Law.

First of all, I'd like to make one side note.

I told Simmy I know funny before the brain damage.

Second though, so your statement is that because of my disability,

medically recognized disability.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I do.

So you're saying that people who have medically recognized disability,

you're coming down on a dude for that?

Wow.

Like, I don't know if you're afraid of that.

Are you shaming him?

Oh, boy.

Like, I have a legit.

Oh.

I'd like to put something into evidence.

Why do you think he's parked in the handicap spot?

I'd like to put this into evidence, if I may.

Here is a scan of my brain.

That's right, kidem.

A scan of my brain.

What's that?

Right there.

I'm guessing it's the part that knows what funny is.

That's correct.

That is correct.

That is correct.

And let me ask you something.

It does look damaged.

You're right.

Is that not damaged?

What, that little white circle?

Or the black part?

That right there.

Which part?

With the black part?

The white circle?

That white circle, that the size of a nickel?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's it.

That's it.

So I have medical evidence that I am

that I have a disability.

So we should give you a gimme for not knowing what funny is because you're disabled?

Well, should you give a guy in a wheelchair a gimme for not being able to walk?

That's horrible.

Should you give a blind person a gimme for not being able to see?

Should you give an autistic person a gimme for not being able to read social cues?

I ask you, sir.

I ask you, should a person person with Buck Teeth be labeled unfuckable?

Or Luke Teeth?

Yes.

Okay?

All right?

I'm done with this witness.

You're done.

This witness is done with you, my friends.

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I went into shock.

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There are pregnant women out there, Loot Crate, and like they're going to be surprised by this kid.

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So I don't have to keep talking about this shit.

All right, Troy, do you have anything

before the defense rests?

Is there any other things that we have?

Any follow-ups?

Anything that we should clean up?

I mean, should we clean up the

IJ thing?

I mean, we could blame that on Sal, right?

Fuck yeah, make him the Patsy.

Yeah, of course.

All right.

What do I take?

The IJ thing.

We can make in the Patsy why there's been no,

why the film festival hasn't come to fruit.

Can I say this?

Can I say this?

Yeah, my podcast every week.

Salvation.

Okay, I was about to say, right?

What say you hasn't come out with a new episode in quite a while, right?

September.

And you could argue September.

You could argue that that's because you have a very busy schedule.

Filming, writing, touring.

Do you still make an effort to make time every week for telec Dave?

I think yes.

Besides the rare occasion where you sell something, do you make any money doing this?

No.

And the money I make doing it, you know, it barely covers tolls and gas to get here.

Right.

Right.

So, relatable?

Man of the people?

Fuck yeah.

Damn, straight.

The defense rests.

Thank you.

Boom.

Oh, I got your closing argument.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Whose closes?

His?

It had been me or I closed?

You give your closing.

No prosecution.

You said before.

Oh, that's right.

I'm so

excited.

After the whole scene, I forgot to say that.

I lost track of who's the prosecutor because of the.

The prosecution would close.

Because of the way Walt tried to prosecute me.

What more convincing proof do you want than the statements of the witnesses?

Joe Jackson, Eddie Jacate, and Williams sold out the American public for a paltry $20,000.

Oh, wait, that was.

Sorry, that was the wrong closing for the wrong case.

But my point still stands.

You've heard the.

Let him go.

Sweet.

Keep going, get him.

Keep going.

You know it.

You've heard the evidence.

No, the people around it aren't always wrong.

I just want to say that.

Sometimes they get it right.

Sometimes, you know, there are people that deserve inoperable cancer.

You've heard the evidence I've entered into the record.

There was more, but I was limited in my presentation of testimony by the constraints of time and the sanity.

I would be here for 10 hours.

But even more damning than the state's evidence was the lack of evidence brought forth by my colleague.

Witness after witness who couldn't tell funny without an applause sign in front of them, who clearly suffer from the same delusion the defendant does.

So while we should feel mercy for whatever condition impacts his sense of funny and relatability, we must hold him accountable for the actions he has made because of those delusional beliefs.

Ladies and gentlemen of Reddit, you've been subjected to a deluge of information tonight.

Many questions were asked, and in turn, answers were tendered.

It's up to you to decide if those answers satisfactorily seal my client's innocence.

My client, who has met slanderous accusations head-on with grace, dignity, and dare I say, sang Freud.

Sangfo.

As you retire to the jury room to deliberate the verdict, I ask you to keep keep one important question in mind.

The only question that matters: does Brian Quinn know funny?

I believe that the evidence presented tonight proves beyond a reasonable doubt that yes, he does.

However, before you begin the task of deciding this man's fate, a decision that will follow him in the podcast world for life,

I think it behooves me to address the elephant in the room.

May it please the court.

I'm not referring to the prosecutor who incidentally I just used up like an off-brand tampon.

See, that's funny.

I know that.

This elephant isn't an annoying bottle-dump-ass clown with two missing tusks.

This elephant is a question.

That question is: why does Brian Quinn, a man who by all outward signs appears to have made it, care what anonymous commenters say about him in an internet forum?

I've heard the murmurs to the effect in this very courtroom.

Hugh is thin-skinned.

Hugh is a delicate flower.

Hugh is a bitch.

Hugh is a puss hole.

Hugh is a snowflake.

Before you condemn my client as such, I ask you to consider some mitigating factors that not only contribute to his hypersensitivity, but also fully explain why some recently used the word unrelatable when referring to Brian Quinn.

I'd cite a legal precedent set in one of the most controversial criminal cases in American history, the People of the Republic of Texas versus Ethan Couch.

For those of you not familiar with the case, a wealthy teenage boy killed four people in a drunk driving accident.

Instead of being sentenced to what easily might have been a 20-year prison term, he was told he must attend an expensive rehab facility.

It was determined by

a psychiatrist that this good old boy from Texas suffered from affluenza,

a condition resulting from having lived such a sheltered, isolated, and excessively wealthy lifestyle.

The primary symptom of this disease is that due to his extravagant wealth and privilege, the team is completely incapable of making the connection that bad behavior could, in fact, result in negative consequences.

Now you're saying, Brian Quinn isn't a murderer?

What does that case have to do with him?

No, Brian Quinn isn't a murderer.

Or maybe he is.

I don't know.

That's not what this trial is about.

I submit to you that my client suffers from an undiagnosed case of affluenza that is even more severe than that quadruple murderer

whose debt to society was paid off in full by riding horses around and engaging in therapeutic interpretive dance.

Give that a moment to sink in.

Ethan Couch was simply wealthy.

I won't deny that my client is also wealthy.

We've all seen the globe trotting via Instagram.

We've heard the estate planning that excludes lifelong friends from his will, but includes a bunch of mangy cats.

However, exorbitant wealth is only the tip of this mentally impaired iceberg.

Brian Quinn also,

however, exorbitant wealth is only the tip of this mentally impaired iceberg.

Brian Quinn also suffers from a host of comorbid afflictions.

He's intelligent.

He's witty.

He's wickedly handsome.

He's a former firefighter.

He is a world-class coxman.

Now, in addition to the aforementioned, all of which he's been dealing with for the most of his adult life, in recent years, he's become a world-famous star of the hit TV show and Practical Jokers.

But you also need to remember that

there's more to Brian Quinn than looks, money, and privates he would have once had every right to be proud of.

Deep down, he's quite simply a good man.

He's a good man who wore skeletons to a podcast, podcast, anticipating backslapping congratulations for a joke well done, and was instead met with confusion and

perfunctory brushing off.

He's a good man who truly believed in his heart of hearts that inundating working-class listeners with complaints about 1% or tax

issues would foster rapport, if not pity.

He's a good man who thought adding the title Colonel to his name would endear him to the masses.

When these and countless other missteps failed to delight the Reddit annill, hill, instead of finding humor in what Mr.

Quinn did

and instead of finding humor in what Mr.

Quinn did bring to any given episode, they proceeded to viciously and unrepentantly assassinate my client's character.

What recourse did Mr.

Quinn have in regard to these cruel and degrading remarks?

None.

Comments left by trolls can't be removed like so many Halloween decorations after trick-or-treaters purloin a bit of sod?

That's not the world we live in.

Instead, he addressed the matter on the podcast and is sitting before you today because he put himself on trial.

The trolls won.

They succeeded in making a man who obviously knows funny second-guess himself.

I'm sorry, did I say the trolls won?

Allow me to clarify.

The trolls won a battle.

Tell him Steve Dave wins wars.

Would anyone argue that since this inception of Tellum Steve Dave, the winner of the 2010 podcast awards for people's choice and best comedy podcast,

Brian Quinn, the humble sound guy, hasn't made a tremendous contribution to this show?

Wasn't it Brian Quinn who introduced us to Scooter Dude?

Wasn't it Brian Quinn who regaled us with tales of fucking beauty pageant winners?

Wasn't it Brian Quinn who taught us that Blaze of Glory is the only song worth finger-banging to and has done so for decades with nary a trace of assist on his person?

Wasn't it, well, I'm sure there are more examples, but you get the point.

Ladies and gentlemen, in in a world where self-regard and narcissism reign supreme, I implore you to reach down deep inside yourself and grab a hold of an oft-neglected motion, empathy.

Humor me for just a moment, and please put yourself on Brian Quinn's very expensive Wu-Tang edition Nikes that met the band signed for him.

Can anyone in this jury say with certainty that if dealt the consistent royal flush hands that Brian Quinn has been dealt, that we would have behaved differently, think differently?

What if you lived in a world where praise and adoration is perpetual?

A world where a joke told is a joke met with breath-robbing guffaws, regardless of its dubious comedic value?

A world where every personal anecdote, no matter how tedious and banal, results in an edge-of-the-seat audience?

Perhaps it's not Brian Quinn who's responsible for this overreaction.

Could it be the onus lies with an ever-demanding public who can't see past celebrity to humanity?

Brian Quinn is a a prisoner of adulation and he's serving a life sentence.

The prison

is mine, good people.

Do the right thing, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, and vote that the hate Brian Quinn received on Reddit was unwarranted.

Because if Brian Quinn's reality has indeed become that of unchecked solopism?

Salopsism.

Salopsism?

Then it's inarguable that my client does, in fact, know funny.

Thank you.

Wow.

Beautiful.

Wow.

Judge, unbelievable.

I'm ready to roll right now.

There's a lot of tears in the courtroom.

Wow.

Wow.

We've brought them the tears.

I'm sure the listeners are crying too at this moment.

Yeah.

But you know what?

It's up to the judge now to direct the jurors on what they must do.

Yep, you have to go to TESD Cares, Reddit, right?

Is that it?

That's the thread.

And you have to be registered by a certain point.

If you're not registered and you're hearing this, you can't vote.

It's too late.

It's already been locked down.

And then

when we return,

we will read the verdict and we'll find out your fate.

And I'll live by it.

Hey, you want to do a popular vote too on Twitter just to see what the popular vote is?

Won't mean anything, but we can do a poll on Twitter.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, I'm going to

stick with Reddit.

I'm willing to stick by the rules.

One in ten shows.

One out of every ten shows you'll appear on.

Wow.

You're island.

If I lose, I'll do it.

It's like, fucking, what was that?

It was like castaway.

Yeah.

You might have to go home.

And get him as my Wilson.

You'll try to get him.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Well, pull yourself together.

You're a lady coral weathers.

And you know you can't be care that you're a demon on the loose.

Half fake, half-witch.

Sticks and south and fronts.

You're walking expecting Jeff that you can spell the game.

All I've got to say to you:

pull yourself together, you've been

wine.

Well, it's nothing that you hate more than hates for the sake of it.

You hate to be a hates a man, but hatefully it's true.

Your hate runs runs deep for the hate and adversary.

And scary though it is, you know it isn't just you.

All I've got to say to you is for yourself together, you'll be

fine.

Don't despair, but life is not a liberty.

Freedom is a force.

If you face down all your fears,

be more cool and rule as well than I am.

This we missed you in the morning, but the afternoon is yours.

Cause you are violent, angry, officious, and venicious.

You are deadly in a fight.

If you face down all your fears, you're cowardly, but inwardly, you say you simply want to hug, but nobody nobody will love you.

You're deadly like the wolf.

All I've got to say to you is pull yourself

together, you'll be

fine.

All I've got to say to you is pull yourself together, you'll be

fine.

This has been a production of Smodco Internet Radio, sir only at Smodcast.com.