#322: My Cousin Quinny Part I

In the Tellim Steve-Davetown justice system, the ants are represented by two separate but equally important people.

Troy, who investigates crimes, and Walt, who prosecutes the offenders.

Or sometimes Gidden prosecutes the offenders and Troy wonders what he's doing there in the first place.

These are their stories.

Flarence Narrow never fucking had an opening statement like that, man.

I'm eating staples.

You be stapling your stomach.

Tell him Steve Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell him Steve Dave, the trial of Brian Q.

Quinn,

where we will learn if he's going to remain a part of the show in the capacity that he's been in for the past, what, six years?

Or will he be reduced down to

minuscule minutes?

Substance.

We might not know if he's here or not.

I don't know if I can speak up.

My attorney, I don't know if he wants me to speak.

There's a gag order.

It hasn't begun yet.

Once the court is in session, then everything you say can be held.

I'll hold you in contempt for every possible reason.

Yeah,

this is probably the biggest day of my career today.

In any career I've ever had.

This is it.

And you've been on trial for things before.

Oh, yeah.

That racist incident, that statutory rape.

There's been some other things that he escaped by the skin of his teeth, but I don't know what to do.

Well, when you found not guilty, buddy, you found not guilty.

That's true.

What court in the land is like racist?

Like, who put you on?

I thought that was like just a court of public opinion.

Well, I mean, you set that fire, though.

Yeah, but again.

Well, it was a black guy's house, and it was to a cross.

You got to stop.

I don't this.

What is going on with you lately in these jokes?

But it's not gonna help your groove.

It's certainly not gonna help mine.

Simmons over there sweating.

Knock it off.

Come on.

He's sweat more than me in this fucking robe I never should have bought.

You went all out, man.

You brought a gavel.

I know.

I bought this gavel.

That's like a classic.

What is that?

An antique?

Dude, this was owned by some guy.

What the fuck, man?

My glasses got stuck underneath on a poker table.

Oh, God.

This is owned by Frank Smith, 1927 to 1928.

I mean, I guess he either died or wasn't a very good president of the West Harford Town Council in Connecticut.

Where did you get that?

I don't know.

Somebody's door was unlocked.

So, wait, wait, that gavel has more Providence than the skull does.

Possibly.

Can I respond?

Yes.

There's a beginning.

Your quarter's not in session, Q.

Spell Providence.

P-R-O-V-I-N-A-N-T-E.

Is that right?

I need a ruling.

No, and I don't think I'm going to do that.

Isn't there a D in there?

Yeah, I'm going to say.

We're talking about providence.

We're not talking about

whether.

Please,

now I'm going to say,

if you don't know the definition or the pronunciation, you shouldn't offer it up to him, but just be made.

So, you're saying you're throwing yourself on the mercy of the court?

Because that's every fucking episode.

I tell them to do

the last thing to be stricken from directly.

There you go.

Thank you.

All right, so we got to get going to

see if Quinn's going to stay on this show or not.

Hey, but like, there is, like, we got to.

I hope so.

But we have a room full of people that, if you are, like, you know, have to have a major, major reduced role.

Yeah.

A lot of people in the room that could step in and fill, you know, the spot.

You know.

Well, that's going to affect, that's going to affect.

And they got self-serving interests then.

That's every courtroom does.

That's just reality.

I need a fair trial, bro.

I need a fair trial.

I see Simmy wringing his hands in anticipation.

Maybe he could be the new cue.

All right.

So let's get going.

What is today's case?

Today's case is the Reddit Trolls versus Brian Quinn.

Is the prosecution ready?

Yes.

The fuck off the phone.

Yeah, turn your phone off, unless you got notes on it.

I know.

He doesn't.

Is the defense ready?

Never been more ready.

All right.

See, we looked at each other eye to eye like that.

I know you've put a lot of faith in me.

I'm not going to let you down.

As a judge, I was very impressed with that.

Yeah,

right away.

I want the,

you see, a lot of this is audio, so the Reddit jury cannot see how we just look at each other right now.

Gave a little slight nod to each other.

Yeah.

Ready to do this.

Very confident.

Yes.

This other guy fumbling with his phone.

He's got a lot of papers over there.

Okay, so this trial is about a couple things, it would appear.

The most prominent being, does Brian Quinn know funny?

The next being, is Brian Quinn relatable?

The third being, what was the third again?

Were the comments left, the mean comments on Reddit, warranted?

Right.

Well, I guess that's not what he's on trial for.

That's what we're going to decide.

That's what a trial is, isn't it?

Right, but that's not.

Yeah, but that will be the decision in the end if they're warranted or not.

Can we make a motion to see if the judge is.

Yes, the judge is on pills, so you don't even need to file a motion.

He's still

the judge.

But I was handed earlier, just before we started, there's a plea agreement that the prosecution submitted, Q.

Oh, really?

And Walt, yes.

Plea offer.

All right.

You are facing

10%

of your former participation, which means you would only appear on one of every 10 tell him Steve Daves.

Oh, it's not I could be on every episode, but only in a 10% capacity?

That's too hard to measure.

So we decided that one in 10.

Right.

That'll be easier for us to do the measure.

Okay.

Who do we look like?

Ming Chen over here?

Hey, guys.

So

the offer is

60%.

Get him.

He would like to be on six out of every 10 shows.

So wait, so if he's saying right now, we could end it right here, right now,

if Q agrees to puts in the Alford plea,

saying that he agrees that the comments were warranted, he doesn't know funny, and he is not relatable, and he could come six out of every ten episodes.

Is that what's on the table here?

That's what you guys submitted, yes.

No, no, that would be the prosecution.

No, he's going to come back with something, right?

No, no, the prosecution.

Well, that was the prosecution's offer.

Holy shit, this judge is fucking.

Well, then, why did I write down that you guys are coming back with 30%?

We're not coming.

No, he's offering us, we could be.

Oh, you have to counter.

Well, or we either accept or we say no.

We'd like to proceed with the private sector.

No, they can counter, right, Troy?

Well, this is supposed to be worked out before they even come to the judge.

And they're trying to blame me.

They're trying to blame me.

He didn't know.

He didn't know what to do.

When do we hit mistrial?

At what point do we hit mistrial?

I think the moment we could play, we're going to record.

No, it was a mistrial.

How about a 10-minute workout a plea, and if they land on an agreement, the prosecution tells the judge that this is the plea deal on the table.

All All right, and you guys didn't work that out.

Well, what's the offer?

There's a potential

prosecution offering.

60%

and

what?

Nobody gave it to me.

It's your deal.

60%.

Rather than if you lose, you could go down to

every 10%.

You could go down to 20 to 10%.

But you also have to say that you don't know, funny.

Yeah, you have to admit all those words.

Oh, so I'm guilty.

I throw myself, I go get, I plead guilty.

Nolo contendre, was that it's the Latin saying?

You're pleading guilty for a lighter sentence than what you could be facing.

An Alfred plea, right?

When he would say that he could say that he is saying those things, but he's not really admitting it, right?

Right.

He's you could do the Alfred please.

You're like the West Memphis 3 over here.

Right.

But you just didn't care guy.

You just didn't hot tie a boy.

Well, I'm not on this gentleman.

I'll be on trial for that.

He could have done it all the way here.

What do you think, Q?

I say that's a pretty good deal.

What?

Dude!

Only 40% less Q.

A lot of people are calling for more than that.

A lot of people would look at Giddam as like going light, like a slap on the wrist, I think.

No.

Well, I got all the faith in you, Walt.

You want to proceed to trial?

Proceed to trial, please, please.

We're going forward with the trial.

All right, it's thrown out.

This plea bargain is very convoluted.

Can that be taken at any time or only now?

Right before they render the verdict.

Can I see how this goes before we throw that out the window?

No, we're going to go full steam ahead.

We are going to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that BQ knows funny,

is relatable,

and the Reddits are assholes.

Yeah, it was on Warren.

Come on now.

We've got to keep it clean in the courtroom.

Some decorum.

So, Walt, I guess this is your opening statement.

Prosecution goes first.

It says right.

Right?

You told me.

Doesn't a prosecution go first?

Doesn't know how much people?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now, Your Honor knows how the

fucking go, get them.

We went over it.

We went to dinner.

We went to dinner and went over this hour.

Everybody's been to court?

I was on pills.

You've been in court.

We're starting a mock trial about what people said about Q on a record board.

We're not really striving for authenticity.

I know, you just pissed at me.

Because I'm the judge of this role.

Because I'm like, who goes first?

No, also explain Troy before we begin, like, who the who's the prosecution, who's the defense, and what Troy's role will be.

Yes, sir.

I didn't know I worked for a fucking uppity barrister over here.

If you don't

know, you're painting a picture for people who aren't here.

And some who may never have listened to Tom Steve Dave before.

They may think.

Oh, this could be their first time because they hear the hoopla surrounding this.

They might want to hear maybe BQ really was on travel.

Where'd you guys go to dinner?

Lone Star.

Maybe because you picked the loudest fucking restaurant in the county.

I couldn't hear anything you were saying.

Oh, but the people saying he had his birthday.

People are dancing.

There's literally 10 birthdays.

You've never seen so many fucking birthdays in your life at this place.

Every two seconds, and they got to dance and sing, and plus they got the music, and the ceilings are real high, so everything's reverberating.

And I'm like, I'm going to go out of my fucking mind here.

I get one thing wrong.

One thing.

One thing.

All right.

So, Walt, you're the defense.

You'll be defending Q today

against these allegations.

Get them.

You seem to believe that they are founded, which is why you leapt at the chance to prosecute him.

Yes.

Okay.

Being a member of that said Reddit board.

Right.

You are a member of the the Reddit board.

Is that a conflict of interest, Troy?

I would think so.

Oh, yeah.

I'm not asking you guys.

We're asking the expert.

Does it matter at this point?

Do we have to do somebody up there to be the prosecutor?

I guess not.

Okay.

Wait, but the Reddit board, are they split down the middle on their opinions?

It doesn't seem that way.

Not according to the defendant.

But Troy is going to be acting since he is out of all of TSD town.

Speaking of conflict,

he will be acting as

almost like an automatic quarterback of sorts.

Well, he's the only police officer in all of Telum Steve Dave Town, so he has to help.

Well,

he's been in a lot of courtrooms, so we thought he would be

best put to use as acting as co-counsel for when it's Giddam's turn to go, and he'll also come to my side when it's the defense's turn to go.

Utilizing him as the best we can, so we would get the most authentic courtroom action for the listeners.

Yeah, this all feels very familiar.

You've never been asked to

go on a trip.

To be on a free automotive, to be on a podcast for a mock trial.

No,

when you're called in to testify in a real courtroom, you have to be, but like you don't go to, you don't help.

I don't bounce between the defense of the other people.

No.

Not usually.

It hasn't come up yet.

It may, though, right?

At some point.

Could be.

I mean, the only reason it happened yet was fucking Obama.

Trump's going to change that now.

All the laws are going to change.

Like Chris says, it's end times.

Now, will it?

Does it affect Troy's credibility that he snuck into the evidence room and stole the matches that had Q's DNA on them that he used to light that cross-up that we mentioned earlier?

Okay.

All right.

So prosecution opens.

Then it's my opening.

Then Gidham will call his witnesses.

Okay?

You're the prosecution, right?

Okay.

no, I'll just get around.

Hello, Your Honor.

Today is my...

Wait, when do I do this, Troy?

When do I...

Is that just when people are like rowdy and shit?

The gavel?

Eric.

Your Honor, the onerous duty has fallen to my fortune to present to you, imperfectly as it will probably be, to sustain the cause of Reddit against Brian Quinn.

The high station of the accused, the novelty of the proceeding, the gravity of the business, the possible momentous result of the issues, each and all must plead to me to claim your attention for

as long a time as your patience may endure.

Now, for the first time in the history of TESD, has the swarm brought before its highest tribunal, its chief funny man, for trial and possible deposition from office upon charges of not knowing what funny is or being relatable.

Through witness testimony, statements, and even his own words, I will prove to you, who Mr.

Quinn refers to as chumps and suckers, that he doesn't know his funny bone from his tailbone.

It's powerful.

Boy.

Okay.

Clarence Darrow never fucking had an opening statement like that, man.

So now the defense will read it.

Well, it's not as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Oh, really?

You didn't think that was a...

Well, I can understand what he meant.

That's.

It's usually.

Call me a mushmouth?

All right, so now the defense will read its opening statement, Q.

Thank you.

I don't know if you, I didn't go over what you, so you

are.

I'm happy with whatever you do.

May it please the court.

It does.

Good evening.

Brian Quinn doesn't know funny.

Brian Quinn has in recent years become unlikable.

Brian Quinn has become a veritable stranger to Mr.

and Mrs.

John Q.

Average citizen.

Sign Mrs.

Quinn.

That's a letter.

That's not your opening statement.

I bang that gavel.

Brian Quinn should be removed from Telling Steve Dave, which incidentally in 2010 won both People's Choice and Best Comedy in the podcast awards.

These are some of the statements made in regard to my client, Brian Q Quinn, on a website known as quote-unquote Reddit.

If there is such a thing:

statements made under a veil of secrecy, a security blanket of anonymity.

I haven't messed up a word yet.

Oh, it's beautiful.

This is how this is how serious I'm taking this shit.

I love it, dude.

Ladies and gentlemen of the Reddit jury, I intend to demonstrate that these hateful comments found on the Reddit TSD Cares thread regarding my client are both patently false as well as libelous.

We're going to hear

a popoletic.

Oh, fuck.

I knew I wasn't going to be able to do it.

Apoplectic.

Apoplectic.

Apoplectic.

There you go, Simmy.

Thank you.

Testimonials regarding Mr.

Quinn.

All of which not only will I prove beyond a reasonable doubt.

All of which not only will I prove beyond a reasonable doubt are completely unfounded, but have been made by a small yet quite vocal segment of the TSD audience.

Make no mistake, ladies and gentlemen, they are an angry segment.

They are a bitter segment.

And most of all, they are an entitled segment.

What angers these people about my clients so much that they would turn like a pack of feral swine on a person they claim that they enjoy listening to?

What sins could my client possibly have committed that would incite these listeners to take the information superhighway to besmirch the reputation of a man whose only aim is to entertain and spread joy?

What ethos?

Ethos.

Ethos could be responsible for the aforementioned entitle Reddit posters to virtually molest my client as if he weren't a human being, but some woeful donkey being subjected to disagreeable acts in a sexual show, typically associated with a place south of the border?

After hundreds of hours of exhaustive research, I found a few blunders my client, Mr.

Quinn, made, which are as follows.

Number one,

he made a few lame tax jokes that didn't quite land.

He fervently claimed to support Hillary Clinton for president in a long con joke that honestly never quite paid off.

He enthusiastically reported being bestowed the honor of colonel, expecting congratulations and yucks.

only been met with scorn and doubt.

Number four, after falling short on nearly every every episode of Tellim Steve Dave Overkill, a slight embellishment regarding the Prussian kissing skull sent some of the haters into a virtual blood frenzy, all because Brian Quinn desperately wanted to bring something compelling to the table for one time on Overkill.

And last,

skeletos.

That's it.

That is what infinitesimal.

Infinitesimal, but somehow meaningful cross-section cross-section of the Reddit Untitled calling for Mr.

Quinn's dismissal from Telum Steve Dave.

That didn't sound right, but we're moving on.

Ladies and gentlemen, there are no mulligans on the links of the angry and untitled.

There are no scraps in their scrapbook.

Every joke must land.

Every bit undiluted perfection.

Every opinion delivered sans controversy or a hint of free thought.

Otherwise, one will hear just how unfunny, unlikable, unrelatable, and in most extreme cases, unfuckable, one really is.

There's a well-known adage, the past is the past.

And no one group adheres to those words more than the entitled.

Countless hours of laughs and entertainment, yesterday's news, asking for nothing in return for free content?

So what?

Should your mindset conflict with the strongly held convictions of the entitled?

Well, be at the ready with your most practiced bray because you're heading for one hell of a donkey show that very few have the moxie to endure,

let alone survive.

My client attempted to curry favor with those who had blackened his reputation and very sadly believed he was successful in earning just a taste of goodwill.

He later admitted he was wrong.

But was he?

Tonight, through testimony, eyewitness accounts, character witnesses, and submission of irrefutable evidence, I will prove that he was not wrong.

That the faceless keyboard cowards who lurk in the phantasmic glow of their computer screens, who haunt the Reddit boards like so many specters of hostility and negativism, negativism, negativism,

you know what I'm saying, are in fact the ones who are wrong.

Example after example of his superior knowledge regarding the subject of funny shall not only be offered, but verified and true.

The comedic expertise coupled with the use of his razor-sharp humor, not only makes Mr.

Quinn the funniest member on both his podcast and television show,

but also ranks him amongst the most beloved funny men in history.

The defense will make the case that my client stands shoulder to shoulder with comedy legends such as Charlie Chaplin,

Buster Keaton, W.C.

Fields, Red Buttons, Shecky Green,

Joey Bishop,

Maury Amsterdam, Buddy Hackett, Larry Storch,

and finally Soupy Sales.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please keep in mind that this trial is not about whether or not my client is likable.

This is not about Mr.

Quinn's

incessant attention seeking by the way of hobnobbing with his celebrity bettors.

Or the cringeworthy desperation in his shameless attempts to receive free goods and services because he's a celebrity.

These things are irrelevant and should be stricken from your mind.

You need only concern yourself with one question:

Is Brian Quinn funny?

Judging by the goofy look on the prosecution's face,

I think everyone except him already knows the answer.

Thank you.

Wow.

What do you think?

Wow, I'm so glad.

I'm so glad I didn't accept that please do.

Oh my god.

Beautiful, impassioned.

I mean, I'm ready to rule right now.

Wow.

All right.

Walter.

Unbelievable.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's gorgeous.

All right.

You want me to give up?

You want to call a mistrial?

You want to...

What's it called when you

pull back the charges?

I'll dismiss it.

Yeah, you want to dismiss it?

No?

I don't think you can.

Only I can.

I'm the asshole though.

All right, CG, we got to take a break in the action.

The prosecution, Giddam, and Walt, the defense, just gave their opening statements against BQ Quinn and for BQ Quinn to see if he gets to stay on the podcast.

We got to whisper, though.

Otherwise,

the judge is a real jerk.

He might try tossing us out of the courtroom.

I think a misplay on BQ Quinn's part, he wore a beautiful movement watch.

And everybody's going to think he's rich.

That's one of the things.

He's out of touch with the common man.

But here's the good thing about movement watches is that they look expensive, but they're not.

They start at just $95.

They figured out that by selling online, they were able to cut out the middleman.

Classic designs, 500,000 watches sold in over 160 countries.

That's a lot of countries, buddy.

Do you have a movement watch?

No.

Guilty of not having a watch.

Anyway, 15% off today with free shipping and free returns.

Go to movementwatches.com slash T-E-S-D and you're going to get a sweet looking watch.

It'll make you look rich just like Quinn.

You saw Quinn in the courtroom, right?

He's gorgeous.

Yes.

Wow, you're you're just you're you're full of energy today, aren't you?

I'm up being aushy.

You have brain energy?

Well start using it, goddammit.

MVMT Watches dot com slash T E S D.

All right, so uh I'm sure everyone's uh just mentally and physically exhausted after listening to um such daunting testimony.

So if I have uh just an announcement if you want to relax with a little bit less stressful, tell them Steve Dave.

We've recorded a special charity episode for

a friend of Q's whose son has some ear issues and he's going in for something called a cochlear implant.

And we recorded a charity album for him called the Cochlear Album.

That's C-O-C-H-L-E-A-R.

And if you go to tesdimplants.bandcamp.com, you'll be able to pick up that episode and

help a little kid maybe here again, or for the first time, actually.

And it'd be nice if, you know...

I envision, you know, how like in the movies or a Television show, when someone is

sees for the first time, they unwrap the bandages, and it's this wonderful moment.

Maybe they'll put a

little bit of earbuds in this little baby's ears, and maybe the first thing he'll hear is me laughing.

Wouldn't that be something beautiful?

So go to tesdimplants.bandcamp.com.

Let's see if we can...

I know we're going to be able to.

I mean, you guys are amazing.

You've never failed to not come through.

This,

the cochlear album, it's for a good cause.

Thanks.

All right.

So now it's up to the prosecution to call your first witness.

All right.

For our witnesses, we're going to be calling Reddit users.

And through use of testimony that they have provided to the court.

Reddit users, please step forward.

You can place your hand just anywhere near the Bible.

I can't have you bursting into flames, burning down our beautiful comic courtroom.

Do you anonymous venom-filled sorry sons of bitches solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

So help you, God.

Get them will be reading 50 pages of fucking testimony now.

It's only about three.

Okay.

And my co-counsel will read some others.

It's actually inadmissible as hearsay, but whatever.

Whatever that.

It's hearsay, but whatever.

Well,

they emailed it to me.

Doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter.

Email doesn't count.

You'd have to speed up.

You're on my side.

It's okay.

He's able to go back and forth.

Whatever he tells me, then he could diffuse it with you.

That's what he's here for, to offer his opinion.

Quit fucking smiling.

Don't be quiet.

So these really wouldn't be admissible in a real court?

Something written on a piece of paper?

Like, here it is.

I mean, what the fuck else do I need?

All right.

There's no name, but this witness says he saw him do it.

So

are there stupid questions?

Because these are a lot of people listening tonight, maybe never been a quorum.

They don't know.

We're also teaching in this moment rather than just entertaining.

No, I'm in agreement with you.

Okay.

I think Troy's being a buzzkill.

All right, Reddit user number one.

We're using pseudonyms to protect the innocent.

As to Brian Quinn, number one, no surprise here, taxes.

While it's understandable why he's so upset, Q comes off as ungrateful for what he has.

He's only being taxed so much because he makes so much.

While I understand where he's coming from, 50% is a lot to take out.

He's complaining about making at least $410,000 a year.

By openly saying how much he's being taxed, he is inadvertently telling the audience he has at least taking home $205,000 a year.

Being a single bachelor, that is no small amount worth complaining about.

According to a New York business and finance website, the average household income is $71,000 on Staten Island.

It's hard to get behind someone who is so upset that they are taking home more than four times the amount of the average homeowner in his area.

Wait, no,

if it was $71,000, four times that would be $280,000.

And they said they think he makes...

I'm just reading what the witness provides.

That's why are we giving any weight?

This guy's a retard.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Holding my side right now.

That's a household income.

It's not single.

Come on.

You can't.

I haven't heard anything that is objectional yet.

You make a lot of money, bro.

Me neither.

After that was way below what you make, right?

Yeah, but my point is this.

This is America.

This is America.

And this guy, this Reddit character who just wrote in, if we, I say this, if we were in a movie

and we had a shop, right?

And somebody came to your door and was like, I want 50% of what you make?

They would be the bad guys.

But because it's the fucking U.S.

government, I'm supposed to smile and say, object to the Red Corps.

This is the prosecution's case right now.

If you

take the steam,

you can make that point.

Okay.

All right.

If we ask the defense to handle his client.

Fighting for all of us.

You got to object.

You should be object.

I did object.

You banged the gavel,

that little measly gavel.

You can't even hear it.

All right, all right.

I'm sorry.

He's on.

Originally, we had a Hannibal lecter mask for Q, but we had to put it on Get him because he was eating everyone's dinner.

All right.

Charge two, Q is untruthful.

Oh, hire.

TEST used to pride itself on the fact that everyone was open and honest about what was talked about on the show.

Over the past year or so, though, Q is really the only one to stop being as honest with the listeners.

He constantly makes stuff up and attempts to deceive the listeners as part of a quote-unquote joke.

If the joke is to humor Walton Bry, I hope it's working because, at least, speaking for myself, I generally don't enjoy them.

Here are some examples of what I'm talking about.

Wow.

A.

Hillary for president.

You asked for this.

As we found out by now, and most of us already knew, Q never really wanted Hillary to win.

The fact that he put on an act of...

Voted for Hillary.

Objection, Your Honor.

The fact that he put on an act was relatively annoying.

Even though we, the listeners, knew it was shallow, we had no idea why he was doing it.

Number two, the waitress.

You'll get your chance to win.

We're going to shoot these down.

Just think of that opening statement.

Eloquence.

I'm just

shocking.

You're already getting world worked up for nothing.

All right.

The waitress.

Hearing the story about the waitress and how Q mistreated her was disappointing.

But in the story, anyway, he was a bit tipsy and honestly something I could see Q doing if only he was drunk.

Finding out afterwards that the whole story was made up and Q was just acting like he did as a joke is just another example of him deceiving the audience.

This wasn't really a big deal, but again, an instance of Q deceiving the audience for the sake of a quote-unquote joke.

A lot of quotes in this,

especially when he's asking the word humor.

Do lawyers use the quote-unquote a lot?

Yeah, this is just like court.

Okay.

A lot of laughter, a lot of the judge sweating his ass off.

The defendant always just chiming in from his topic.

And the last part of being untruthful, the get him back and forth.

Hearing how much he loves Getem and then hearing how he never wants to see him on the show again.

There is a constant back and forth with whether he likes Get Him or not.

Just be honest, which is it?

If you like him, don't lead us on to think you really don't by saying stuff like never.

Is this a redder?

Is this the Reddit user?

Is this your user?

If you're a Reddit user, get him, Steve D.

If you don't like him, stop saying you do.

I find you lead a lot of people on thinking, oh, does he like Giddam?

Does he not like Giddam?

Like, what am I supposed to think here?

All right.

Well, it's trusting him.

He just asked me a question.

Just asked me a direct question.

Overall.

Well, I mean, here's the thing, man.

Like, they want me to be honest.

But then if the taxes bother me, I can't talk about that.

That's too honest.

And, like, you know, and and then my feelings about Giddam is complicated.

I love the guy, but some weeks I can't fucking stand them.

You're too real.

I'm too real.

Keep it too real.

I'm too real.

All right.

The third charge.

Unrelatable.

This one is unfortunate because Q has no real control over it.

Sadly, as mentioned on the show, Q has grown his ant wings and flowing out of the nest.

This one doesn't make people hate Q, but rather separates him from Brian Walt, which can make him less likable than the other two.

It's an anthill, not a nest.

I agree.

Why don't you give some of your earnings to me and Walt?

That way it could be like an egalitarian podcast.

Do you know how much money I could be making?

$410,000.

I already heard.

Four times what a Snapdrawler normally earns in a household.

And the last accusation from this witness, whining and moaning about a few cunts on Reddit.

Holy Christ, man.

Have some self-respect.

At this rate, you are going to win puss hole of the week every week for the next decade.

You already look like Rosie O'Donnell, and now you are acting like bitch.

Just get the sex change and be done with it.

It has to be sex change.

This is the fucking internet.

Have you heard of it?

It has people that will say bad shit about you, even though they only just learned your name two seconds ago.

Guess what?

You go looking on the internet for things to get angry, depressed, disgusted, horny, you're going to find it.

It's the internet, bitch.

It is mostly anonymous cesspit.

It is the mostly anonymous cesspit of human expression, which should have come to no surprise to anyone who has paid attention to how humanity behaves, even badly.

Why do you care?

Why do you waste our time with this endless moaning about what some fucktards on some irrelevant social media site said?

Are you that pathetic?

Are you that desperate for confirmation?

Are you that desperate for a reason to hate yourself?

Sack your fucking therapist and hire a good one.

They are not working.

That was good.

Harsh indictments.

Wow.

They're all good.

Wow.

Now

your co-counsel will read the last of the Reddit

witnesses.

in Troy's mouth?

Oh, okay.

I thought that was.

This is going to sound real fucking official, not like him, like Stumbles.

I don't know if I could stand hearing it from Troy.

You gotta.

You gotta face the music, man.

Yeah, otherwise you're gonna go to jail.

I mean,

we could have had this trial in absentia?

An absentia, yeah.

Yeah, no, I'm good.

I'll be coin.

I'll be coin.

I'm sorry.

We're 10 minutes late.

We almost found you guilty and all went home.

From a long time listener,

I have begun to become tired of Q, primarily the arrogant character that I assume he has taken on.

I have listened to older episodes and really enjoyed his contributions and thought he was a genuine guy and was hilarious when he was in the crosshairs.

Recent contributions would have fell flat.

Recent contributions that would have fell flat, like the Colonel and the taxes bits, only didn't because of the roasting that ensued.

Where I usually listen to

the Colonel things, you guys supported me.

Did we?

I don't recall that.

I thought we saved you.

Jesus.

We saw you floundering going down with a three count.

I'm in one.

Currently wasn't a joke.

I don't know why everybody keeps saying it is.

Where I usually listen to episodes multiple times, I've begun to drop episodes after a single listen if the arrogant braggart Q was present.

Sorry, Stacey Patella.

This part's highlighted.

Interestingly as well, I've begun to enjoy Giddam's presence.

You fucking highlighted this.

I have begun to enjoy Giddam's presence much more, probably, due to the contrast.

The last episode was far more enjoyable with Q not playing the arrogant character.

We don't know what episode that was, though.

Now there's one more.

Oh, there's two more.

Giddam has one more.

I already lose number three.

Q has not been on the top of his game lately.

My number one complaint is the way Q handles himself during games, especially when he is losing.

Walt clearly puts a ton of work in.

Walt and others clearly put a ton of work into the TESD games, and it seems like Q rolls in and takes a huge dump on their work.

This is going to be my hardest thing, too.

Whenever a ruling goes against Q.

This is others in quote.

Whenever a ruling goes against Q, he acts like a pouty puss hole and can ruin the enjoyment of the whole game.

He usually bitches about stuff until Walt gives in and Q gets his way.

I've seen it a million times.

And the whole Colonel bit and the tax talk, we get it.

You pay a ton of taxes too, and it sucks.

But did he have to focus focus on it for months?

The Colonel and Sculpits just fell flat and weren't funny.

Neither was meant to be funny.

Like, I don't understand.

That's like saying fucking Sophie's choice fell flat because it wasn't funny.

It wasn't meant to be funny.

This was by the man who's trying to say he knows what funny is.

That's the crux of the matter, Q.

That's the crux of the trial.

Do you know funny?

Okay.

So, are you agreeing with Reddit Trolls?

Yeah,

you're setting us up to say funny.

No, no, I'm not trying to be funny.

You want that offered, please?

Reddit News number five.

500.

Q needs to stop complaining every time someone says something weird to Stacy.

Sign crystal dog.

She's going to suck my dick, and I'm going to wipe it off with Q's cat.

Boom.

She's roasted.

She's not a delicate snowflake.

She already knows knows the flavor of the show.

Isn't she going to leave that one hanging there?

It's as if that much of if it's that much of a problem, why have her there?

But it can't be any worse than his constant leching and slobbering all over her and any other female that they have on the show.

And we do have a lot of females on the show.

Q also needs to lay off sucking Walt's penis.

Never!

All he does is fawn and agree with everything Walt says.

Whenever Walt says something dumb, Q is on the verge of orgasm.

But if Gedim says something funny, he goes into a jealous rage.

Are you taking no?

Because I can refute all this.

We will.

We will.

Because this motherfucker said that I bother you until you fucking give me what I want.

This guy's saying I'm sucking your knobs.

He's not even presenting a United Front.

It's not our turn to go yet.

I'm sorry.

Also, someone needs to remind Walt that

TESD is not just his show, it's Brian Q's too.

If a person sends something addressed to TESD, it's also for Brian Q, parentheses, unless it's actually stated that it's only for Walt.

I'm glad that guy made that clarification.

He's telling us what mail is, I can open, what I can't.

Right.

Good.

Even though it's addressed to the stash.

This part's also highlighted.

Also, Bryce's constant get and bashing is getting stale.

Ooh, the judge called into question your character.

When he is used to pick on Ming, it got very boring very quickly.

Not to me.

Not to me either.

I know, funny.

It wasn't.

Not to me either.

If anyone is weird on the show, it's Walt.

But Brian Q are terrified to criticize Walt, so instead they just pick on Get him.

Did you write this?

No.

No,

this really came from a real asshole.

Quote unquote asshole.

Quote unquote, a real asshole wrote this.

Now you have, or now you're already done.

it's a parade i just have one more uh

the reddit testimonies are done yes reddit testimonies are done i have just one more piece of evidence to submit well how would you how would you phrase that troy enter into evidence final did he disclose it to you beforehand

he did no coherency so he just wants to introduce another piece of evidence what would he say how would he present it

he just wants to introduce another piece you're expecting coherence you're right you're right i apologize to the court what was the what was the lack of coherence what do you mean each each one contradicted each other i'm sucking your dick i'm i'm bullying you until i i don't tell the truth, but then I complain about things in my life and people don't like it.

No, it was about games, it was about something else.

Well, I mean, we'll address each one.

We'll address each one.

That's good for your case.

That's what I'm saying.

All right, I'm going to play for the final piece of my testimony or evidence that I'm going to present.

The words of the defendant himself.

Person after person after person is going to be like, You're going to be a celebrity.

Like, you're big.

You're going to be so big.

Confidence doesn't matter.

Women.

Hot ass.

Yeah, like a

hot ass.

Yeah, nice set of tits.

Yeah, last night was the True TV upfronts, but Maroon 5 played it.

They hired Maroon 5 to play.

Girls can't keep their mouths shut.

I hate to bring up the other celebrity friend that I have.

So now Maroon 5 is playing.

Literally, my chest is touching the stage.

Adam Levine's ball sacks like two feet from me.

But it's just like, not only it's like you make more money, so you're going to pay more money, we're also going to tax you at a higher rate.

And so, like, it's like they set the game against you.

If you want to buy a house over a million dollars, in New York State or New York City, there is a three base, it's like 2.89%

mansion tax.

I got to hang out with the Zucker Brothers.

You know who the Zucker Brothers are, of course?

Sexual is just like, bro, you want my penis in your mouth?

Why are you standing on my penis?

Well, the Lama God guys were great, as always.

Like, went backstage, hung out with them, said all the old stuff like that.

Tell us what it's like to sell out Radio City three nights in a row.

It's a lot of friends and family asking for tickets.

Who the fuck are you?

So it's like, what the fuck is that for?

We have free tickets on Friday night.

Well, that's typical of the Orientals, right?

Gene loves me.

So I'll never vote Democratic again.

It's over.

I love seeing how much people would like to stand for this.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

If there's any better example of how unrelatable he is, I don't know whether

a bunch of things taken out of context.

And even then, as Judge, I got to say he said live was pretty funny.

Right?

I heard a lot of laughing at these comments.

I would like to

permission to, for a short recess, I didn't realize I could compile a highlight reel.

And if I did, I'd like to take this moment to maybe see if I can call up Declan, maybe get a highlight reel.

I didn't know we were going to be able to do that.

You're already getting out foxed.

We'll reconvene in two weeks.

You just say, deny it, right?

Yeah, motion denied, yeah.

Right?

Strike that from the record.

You're on his side.

It doesn't seem that way.

I recall some of those quotes in there were me quoting other people.

This is really taken out of context.

Just saying.

So, on that note, the prosecution is: I'm going to close my case.

Close your case?

No, no,

no.

Jesus Christ.

You're not calling witnesses?

Wait, that's not the same thing.

Those are his witnesses, the Reddit and the words of the defendant himself.

So now Walt will call witnesses and Giddam will have the chance to cross-examine.

So Giddam calls a bunch of people we conveniently can't cross-examine?

You asked for this.

This is what you wanted.

Well, we could cross-examine me.

It's going to happen.

Say, do you have a Casper mattress, right?

Remember that mattress that Casper sent?

No.

You don't?

I don't.

Okay, well, you know where there's not going to be a Casper mattress?

In jail.

If BQ Quinn happens to lose this case, it could affect him big time.

He's not going to be luxuriating on Casper's.

He's going to be sleeping under.

So probably he's going to be a prag.

Somebody's going to take him as a girlfriend and make him sleep under their bed.

No more Casper mattresses for Quinn.

He's too pretty to go to jail.

So what happens, buddy, is

what we can maybe do if he does go to podcast jail.

We're going to sneak him in a Casper mattress.

We're going to get $50 towards any mattress purchase by going to casper.com/slash slash TESD.

It's obsessively engineered.

Despite what Walt Flanagan says, it's a new invention.

Time magazine called it one of the

best new inventions of 2015.

Would you like to invent a mattress someday?

Hmm?

Wow, you stink today.

Big time.

Enough IT.

You're just, you don't have any energy?

We better get some energy.

Isn't today your party?

Yeah.

Is that what you're saving it all for?

Because you're lousing up these commercials.

I'm a professional.

I might have to drop you as a partner.

Anyway, let's get back to the trial.

And afterwards, go to casper.com slash T-E-S-D.

All right, so it is now the

defense's case, right?

It's my turn to now

to dismantle

this fucktards

prosecution.

You're right.

All right.

My first witness, I'd like like to call to the stand.

Hold up.

Before you start your case, ask for a mistrial.

Okay.

Under what grounds?

His entire case was hearsay.

The entire case.

He didn't call one witness.

Tell him Steve Dave Town.

Hearsay is loud.

It's a short episode if we don't allow hearsay.

Tell Steve Dave Town in the United States.

No, it's a sovereign nation.

So I was going to say

we seceded a while back.

He has a constitutional right to confront his accuser, which he can't.

Because we can keep out of the city.

Jay confronted his accusers on Reddit.

That's where we discovered his thing.

Because he went on Reddit and confronted his accusers.

We wanted to be the

CSC Town.

We want to be able to approve who comes in and lives there.

Gotcha.

It's like we live in America, you can't do that, right?

It's a giddy community.

It's like a co-op.

Yeah.

All right.

All right.

I call to the stand.

I sell comics.

And going to my age doctor.

Yes.

So Mike and Ming you are.

Wow.

You've got to share a seat or share a mic.

We're going to be swearing everybody in on a hard copy of Making Hay.

yeah very rare rarer than the bible for sure

they should put one of these in every hotel room

i sell comics step forward please interlock hands and place them on the bible place your other hand over your hearts do you mike and me solemnly swear as a single soul inhabiting two bodies to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth

can a felon be a bailiff is that allowed

Encouraged.

Not hearsay evidence.

Okay.

Yeah, I do.

I guess.

Both their hands are on the Making Hay book.

You don't have to put your hands over each other's guys.

There's enough room.

Just you guys have swear to tell the truth?

Yes, yes.

Okay.

All right.

You can be seated.

Could you guys please state your names individually so everybody knows who's speaking?

My name is Cliff Chen.

Going on, Ming.

Mike Zapzick.

What do you guys do for a a living, Ming?

Podcast,

featured cast member of the AMC TV show Comic Book Men.

I work at The Secret Stash, and I'm also a cast member of Comic Book Men.

Okay.

Comic Book Men, how would you describe that television show?

Reality TV show set in Council's comic book store.

It's been running for six seasons strong.

It would be fair to say that it has some comedic elements?

Absolutely.

Yes.

You both would agree agree to that sure okay depends on who's on screen

he's talking about you Rob

and you guys both you guys are both on a podcast correct yes the name of the podcast ISO Comics but you also have it's it's such a successful podcast that you guys have branched off into a sister podcast right spawned multiple podcasts yes such as the Ming and Mike show Ming and Mike Show and they both are would you say

would fall under what category I know I Sell Comics is unlistenable.

Is that a category?

Boom.

I object.

No, you're

objecting to the honor.

I would file

under comedy.

Both podcasts.

Okay, and that's why I've asked you both to appear tonight because

considering that you guys are both on a show, and how long is Comic Bookman run?

What season is it in?

Six seasons.

Six seasons.

And your podcast, how long have they been running?

Since 2011.

So six years.

So combined total of over a decade of comedy.

12 years of comedy times two.

24 years of comedy between these guys.

So you guys would be considered.

We just realized that.

You guys

would be considered,

if not experts, the next best thing to weighing in for some expert testimonial regarding my client is

if you find him humorous or if he is funny.

Absolutely.

I believe we're experts on the field of comedy yes

Ming but let's say yes

how much did you pay for this expert testimony they charge money right like when an expert shows up like they put them up not in tell him Steve Dave Town the defense the defense would pay yeah

like everything else I showed up for for free

how long have you known the defendant I've known the defendant for 21 years your honor and I've known him for 15 is it true that the defendant has coined a nickname for you, Mr.

Zapzic?

Yes, a loving nickname for me.

He calls me Chief.

And isn't it also true that even though he has climbed the ladder of success, he still hasn't forgotten that nickname and still will refer to you by it?

Hell yes.

What a memory.

There you go.

Let's see where you're going.

In the time you've known the defendant,

would you be able to put a number on the times he's made you laugh?

Innumerable.

Yes.

Incalculable.

Incalculable.

Almost infinite.

And have you ever seen any signs

of Mr.

Quinn ever being unrelatable since his ascension to Superstard?

Not even a little bit.

So not even when he talked about the mansion techs?

No.

What are you doing?

Hey, wait.

Wow, get him.

You sound a lot like Brian.

He's stapling papers over there, so Brian has to step in.

What are you doing?

Is that more important than what's going on right now, stapling a paper?

Stapling the paper.

What is that noise?

He's like, I'm eating staples.

You'll be stapling your stomach.

Boom!

I'm ready to roll right now.

In your own words, can you please describe to the courtroom

why

the Reddit comments were not warranted,

why Mr.

Quinn does indeed know funny, and how Mr.

Quinn is still, to this day, relatable.

Without using the word sexy.

In my opinion, the Reddit comments are a product of jealousy.

A lot of people are jealous of what you had, jealous that you've put in a lot of hard work that they are not able to put in themselves and um i i disagree as a as someone who's been slandered by such uh the same for why the fuck aren't you objecting on speculation that

because this whole case is speculation that's true and let him continue

to discredit them in a minute so

you're about to start shredding

thrown out i personally disagree with many of these comments i think they're just a product of a lot of jealous people i think you've worked hard to where you've gotten to and i i and i still relate to you as a friend.

Haters with a Z.

Exactly.

Haters with a Z.

All right, Mike.

Those people on Reddit,

both my sons, who are 11 and 13, say that Reddit is a haven for 12-year-old bitches who just go on there.

Like females?

No, like, no, like, yeah, bitches with a Z, Brian.

Dad, I got another list for you.

They go on there, and they, again,

I'm

Reddit loaths me.

So fuck you?

Oh, yeah.

Reddit, Giddam delights in telling me, hey, there's a lot of hate for you on Reddit.

And it's like, you know what?

Go fuck yourself, Giddam, and fuck Reddit too.

So that's my opinion on Reddit.

I'm afraid of Dave Town, Minister of Information.

Or of disinformation.

All right.

Well, thank you for showing up here tonight.

No further questions.

I just want to add one thing.

When asked how many times Q has made you laugh over the years, you said how many?

Incalculable.

Incalculable.

Ming, you said the same.

Immeasurable, yes.

Okay, I believe you said immeasurable, you said incalculable.

So I want to offer into evidence that even a Chinese man couldn't calculate how funny he is.

Yes,

thank you.

Oriental.

Oriental.

Some of his terms, yeah.

That's strong.

That's strong stuff.

Mr.

Chen?

Yes.

Is it true you have romantic feelings for the defendant?

It is not true.

We are good friends.

We've known each other for over 20 years.

Objection, Your Honor.

Mr.

Chen was under the spell of martial man love when he made those passes at my client.

I counter.

He said he was not under him.

And I counter, he's always under the spell of man love.

Look at the defendant put a hat on.

Let's put a hat on him right now.

Let's put a hat on him.

Let's see if Mr.

Quinn and Mr.

Chen shows any chubbiness.

Yeah, does he chub up?

That was on Get a Chat.

Even if I did chub up, could you tell?

But no, I do not feel any chubbiness.

Let the record show that

if the hat doesn't cause a boner, you must acquit.

Wow, that rhymes so well.

We're not talking about rhymes.

We're talking about the truth.

I feel like Johnny Cochran worked on his a little longer.

Mr.

Chen, how many podcasts would you say you do?

I write currently three.

Three, okay.

And how many of those podcasts are listed by iTunes as comedy?

All three of them, sir.

All right.

And how many of those podcasts are considered to be comedy by the listeners?

All three of them, sir.

Okay.

He's getting good.

Like, I told Giddam not to do this, that you have to work with the man day in and day out.

It's not worth it for the few laughs you're doing.

The very few laughs that he's getting.

Lastly, Mr.

Chen, I said no, Giddam.

I'd like to enter another podcast.

Don't let him talk about it.

And

how many laughs have you gotten on any podcast?

I don't give a shit.

You're always on trial, Giddy.

You got a permission to treat this witness as hostile.

Permission to to treat the prosecutor as a douchebag.

I want the truth.

Come on.

Come on.

Thank you.

Yeah, it's getting out of order, brother.

Order to the court.

I'm going to have choice where I throw away.

I'm going to present a little bit of evidence to Mr.

Chen.

Enter evidence.

I'm going to

enter and present.

Okay.

All right.

You'll please pay attention to the speaker.

It's going to be the other way around.

On multiple.

You're supposed to prove he's not funny.

Is that not the top 40 dance tune, Ching Chong, by Brian Quinn, featuring the ring and

objection, Your Honor?

Objection, Your Honor.

That song should not be allowed into evidence because my client did not make that song.

That was made by a listener.

This is not about your client.

This is about Mr.

Chen.

Well, it's a question.

Get him?

Yes.

Mr.

Chen?

Yes.

Are you a good judge or funny?

Or

do you think that song is funny, or are you a race hater?

Traitor.

Race traitor.

Race traitor.

Why don't I make this song?

I'm talking to Mr.

Chen.

This is the remix,

which you're totally accountable for.

I think that tone was done in just, and I actually do think it's very funny.

You were there that day, weren't you?

So you are a race traitor.

I'm not a race traitor.

Wow.

Wow.

That's a bombshell right there.

That is a devastating blow, man.

It fell apart at the end there.

Now, Mr.

Zaps,

how do you say Uncle Tom in Cantonese?

I noticed your lovely wife isn't on stand nor in the gallery.

Has she or has she not been introduced on ISC and Mike and Ming in an effort to salvage what is left and is now considered the funny one?

Wow.

Wait a minute.

Can you speak English on that one?

Or at least slow down, get him, get him.

Slow down, get him.

He wants to know if I'll comics and Michael Ming were doing so poorly that you introduced your wife so that you could raise the bar of humor.

Now,

you're saying Giddam wants to know that, but that sure sounds like you want to know that.

No, I'm just trying to

suss that vibe

like I wrote it.

No.

Oh,

that sounded like a real courtroom, right?

That exasperation, that no, like

flustered.

All right, flummoxed.

Overruled.

I digress.

I digress.

So now you were on Comic Book Men?

Yes.

That's considered a comedy show.

Yes.

And you've been on at least a few of the seasons that the others have been on.

Yes.

So that should make you a good judge of what is funny, correct?

Yes.

All right, so tell me, and please remember you're under oath.

Are you considered the funniest one on the show?

No.

The second funniest?

No.

Third funniest?

No.

Fourth funniest?

Does that include Rob Bruce?

Then yes.

Fourth funniest.

Actually, no.

No.

Fifth funniest.

So, out of four people on a show, you're not even one of the top funny people.

How about five?

So how can you testify?

How about five?

How about you do the math correctly?

So then how can you testify?

Kevin Smith, he's also a member of the cast.

He's talking about main cast members.

So how can you testify what is funny?

I work with you every day, Giddem, and everything you say, not funny.

So, when Brian Q comes in, then I know what funny is.

So, you're using Giddem as the bar.

Whatever he says, the opposite, you know, is funny.

Exactly.

Oh, we turned that around on you.

It shows that I'm a pretty good barometer.

What's funny then?

In the opposite direction.

Yes, absolutely.

You're a great barometer.

Barometer of what's not funny.

And also, you're not on the trial, so why is that even relevant to the person?

I'm trying to.

I'm trying to appease the credibility of the witnesses here, or witness.

You don't have to explain yourself to the defendant.

Try to explain myself to the audience.

Do you have any more questions, Relevant?

No, I'm done with this.

Your Honor, can I sidebar

just one thing?

I know this is a little unorthodox, but let me just ask one question of the prosecution.

It's up to you.

Overrules.

Excellent.

Go ahead.

I'll sustain.

This gentleman sitting to my left, Brian Q.

Quinn, did he not volunteer a bunch of stuff for you to get your teeth fixed?

We'll address that later on.

No, I'm asking you right now.

This will be addressed later.

I'm asking you right now.

This will be addressed.

Did he or did he not just give you, out of the kindness of his heart, a bunch of stuff?

Yeah, yeah.

What does this have to do with that ethic?

All right, all right.

How does that prove he's funny?

The witnesses are shut up, counselor.

The witnesses are excused.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Mike, go do your PBR podcast, you liar.

Thanks, guys.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I called my next witness to the stand.

Microphone.

Mr.

Simmy.

Mr.

Simmy.

All right, yeah, round of applause.

That normally happens in court trade.

All right, Sim, we got this, baby.

He's in the hot seat.

Go on, you!

Good evening, Mr.

Simmy.

Can you please state

your occupation?

Sure.

I'm an executive producer in the original programming and development department at True TV.

And one of the shows under your guidance would be?

Impractical Jokers.

And on that show,

Mr.

Brian Quinn is a cast member?

Yes.

That title sounds so good.

Just letting the witness.

What?

Astablishing prevention.

I'm still reeling from the impressiveness of that title.

It sounds so much better than unemployed.

I've had that too.

Now, for full disclosure, you have appeared on Tell Him Steve Dave Dave previously correct?

Yes one time.

And on that episode were you presented with some television pitch ideas?

Yes I was.

Can you tell the courtroom one of those ideas?

Yes.

It was called Funerals with a Z.

Can you tell the courtroom your reaction upon hearing that pitch?

Yes, I thought it was terrible.

You kind of dismissed it and were condescending.

That would be fair to say?

Yes.

This is something totally much.

No objection, Your Honor.

Isn't it also true that that pitch funerals, which can you explain the pitch again to the listeners?

Sure, unrelated.

You're the defense attorney, right?

Yeah, I was just going to unlock this testimony.

Honor, can the witnesses come together?

I don't want to answer Twitch as hostile, Mr.

Simmons.

That's fine.

Can you describe briefly what the pitch was, what it consisted of?

Sure.

I believe it was you go around and um pretend that celebrities had died um and then billy eichner approaches people no no no i'm sorry

as i recall in the pitch billy eichner was not involved oh that's right no i would like to clear up once and for all that was a joke by the way

that a few people told well a few people on twitter got a little upset because billy eichner had a very similar idea on his show but that was not that there was no connection between me appearing on the show and hearing that fantastic pitch of funerals and then Billy doing a similar idea later on his show.

Although, you know what?

I didn't swear him in with the Tell him Steve Dave books.

You certainly did not.

Yeah, you could be lying right now.

We'll just have to hope.

But there was no connection.

No connection.

I would have to, if I was to be honest, agree that there probably was no connection to

that very strange, bizarre coincidence.

But let's go back to your reaction to funerals.

Sure.

I'm glad that you're keeping your funeral.

Dripping with sarcasm and dismissive to the person you pitched it to, which, for full disclosure, would be me.

Would you agree that

your reaction was one of

was a negative reaction, correct?

Yes, but in my defense, I know funny.

So you're saying

a show on your network would be the one,

would be, you would be saying wasn't a funny funny bit then, right?

Well, whoever the executive of that show is.

The Billy Eichner show, which did that same exact segment.

As a segment, not a full show.

I think as a full series, it was a terrible idea.

But as one bit that could be executed by Billy Eichner, and it was a little different, but with his spin on it, it was made funnier.

No further questions, Jerome.

We're not fucking a successful person, too.

No further questions.

Built on my fucking.

Q, good luck in prison, buddy.

You're your witness, counselor.

You're going to send me that paper.

That's no counselor.

I just got to ask one question.

What's the highest-rated program on True TV?

Impractical Jokers.

Okay, is the defendant cast member on Impractical Jokers?

Yes, he is.

No further questions.

The same thing happened at his racism trial, I remember.

Your Honor.

If he had come with a little bit of humility and said to me,

I apologize.

Yeah, but he still maintained

that fucking arrogant tone of, like, it was terrible.

No, no, I'm not good.

I like his steadfast demeanor.

I do like it, man.

He forms an opinion and he sticks to him.

He shad on funerals, bro.

Your Honor.

Did the court spinographer get that down?

Your Honor at this summit out like a witness to be sworn in.

Okay.

Okay, Maxwell, do your thing.

Simmy's hand is on the Bible.

It should be the Torah, though, right?

I mean, you give a fuck about the Bible.

Yeah.

Well, they don't do that, right?

They would do even the Bible if you were in a real court, right?

The Torah is a Bible.

We could just move on.

But they wouldn't switch Bibles out, would they?

I think they probably would.

I've never been.

Only upon your request, right?

I possibly have never been in a court.

You're very combative.

Mr.

Simmy, step forward, please.

Matter of fact, I'll come to you.

Right quick before you testify, I just want to say big fan of your work.

The only thing you're missing is a guy like me.

You put a guy like me on True TV, ratings go through the roof.

Anyway, Anyway, you swear to tell the truth and all that other shit?

Cool.

Call me, DM me, whatever.

You can be seated.

Good evening, Mr.

Simmy.

Hello.

Can you give me your first impression and basic history with the defendant?

He's a nursery school teacher, Mr.

Simmi.

Look at the fingerpaints.

I know.

I have a children's show on PBS.

I'm sorry, what did you say about my impressions?

Can you give me your first impression and your basic history with the defendant, Mr.

Q?

Sure.

I've known Q for a little over three years, and

I've worked with him on Impractical Jokers.

We've become friends, and he's a good guy.

So you would say you know him pretty well.

Yeah, I think so.

So in your opinion, is he the funniest joker?

You're under oath.

I am under oath.

You know, it's like choosing between my children.

And I have a son named Sal.

And I'm kidding.

No,

I would say it is a four-way tie.

I really do believe that.

Oh, come on, Sammy.

You're under oath.

I'm telling you.

I'm telling you.

That's the magic of the show.

I'm not going to I'm telling it straight.

Hey, I was honest about funerals.

I was honest about your pitch.

I'm not honest.

That's true.

Your Honor, can I have permission to approach the defendant?

Oh, boy.

Oh.

This could be the bombshell.

Yes, go on.

All right.

Why am I getting approached?

All right, Mr.

Q,

could you please say, hey, mustache, what's up?

While facing the defendants?

Do I have to do this?

Get him here.

Yes.

Say, hey, mustache, what's up?

Hey, mustache, what's up?

All right, you heard him say that, that, Mr.

Simmy?

I did.

All right.

Now, could the defendant please say that again?

Can you export?

Oh, I'm going to pass up.

Look at Simmy.

This carrier is

gay red.

I'll tell you, I didn't see this one coming.

Do we have to tell people what's happening?

Yeah.

Okay.

We will.

We'll explain to the listeners what has happened.

Can you say that again, please, Mr.

Defendant?

Hey, mustache, what's up?

Yeah, suddenly it's not working as well.

I don't know.

All right, Mr.

Simmy.

Now, for those who didn't see, I held up a map of Staten Island behind the defendant.

I'm going to return to my odium.

He's a good lawyer, man.

So, as you said, Mr.

Simmy, which of those takes struck you as more or less funny than the others?

I thought it was funnier without the map.

It made more sense.

Oh, this guy is honest to a full.

And now it's been said before, you did endure a verbal barrage from Mr.

Quinn, who thought the map being placed behind him would be the height of hilarity.

No, I didn't say hilarity.

That's not funny.

Objection.

My client never said funny.

But he can't make up facts and then ask him an answer for them.

You thought the map being behind you was the height of hilarity.

No, I wanted the map behind me.

I never said it was funny.

Yes, you did.

You made the bombastic statement of I know funny during the same conversation.

But that doesn't mean that applies to every single fucking conversation I've had about Simeon in my life.

But that is the basis that you know what funny is.

You made the statement that you know what funny is.

Those were two of the funny things.

I stand by that, but I've never seen it.

He's warming up.

One of those examples is having the map of Simon.

Go get him behind me.

That's what funny was.

Fuck you.

Rather than having the sky.

I put a map of Statenomy behind me because I know what funny is.

No,

you're connecting two unrelated statements.

These are alternative facts.

You're presenting yourself

as a straight-up fibber.

A fibber?

You're creating two unrelated facts.

This is the test where you've given on TESD before.

No, no, no.

I never said that the map behind me was funny.

I said I wanted the map of Staten Island there.

And why did you want the map behind you then?

Because I like to rep Staten Island.

Not because you thought it was funny.

Because I like to rep my hometown because I'm a fucking relatable common man who doesn't forget my roots.

Staten Island where I came from.

Move on, Gim.

Yeah.

Who Sony won?

I told you, man, he fucked up, he fucked us on funerals.

No, I'm never going to be past it.

I know what is.

Who's in the map?

It was my idea of this went to say.

You're right there.

That wasn't his fucking idea.

All right.

I realize this.

Doesn't want to rep my hometown?

This is unorthodox, but I have a pitch for you, Sammy.

And it involves the

Jokers.

The Jokers, yes.

That was a little subliminal to get you.

So it involves the Jokers, guys, right?

They go into a bar with a hidden camera and they try to pick up girls.

And if they get a girl, like real fast, like to get them their number, like get their number and get them out to the car, the Joker suddenly starts shaming them.

And we call it sluts with a Z.

And whoever can make the girl cry is the winner.

Green line.

Am I still under oath?

All right, it could be excuse.

I'll give you some time to think about it.

Well, does he do?

No further questions for Simmy.

So, Counsel, you had no actual questions about Q.

This is all just about funerals.

Yeah.

It was.

You're going to go to a trial.

If you had come in, we met each other earlier.

You didn't even say anything about it.

You didn't even say, hey, I was weird about that mix-up about funerals.

You just were like, I was going to sweep it under the rug and never even bring it up again.

Yeah, or ten times.

Or derail my whole goddamn face about it.

I don't feel that this, what happened here with Mr.

Simmy, is going to affect the outcome of the trial anyway.

Okay.

Hold on.

So,

Troy, if you have some questions.

Simmy, where do you live?

In Englewood, New Jersey.

He means an exact street address.

How far is that from here?

It's about an hour and 15 minutes.

So the defense had you travel an hour and 15 minutes

to not address the actual matter at hand, but just to berate you again for not liking his idea of funerals.

Yeah, no, no, no, no, no.

And then just dismissing funerals.

And then I prepped myself for this one.

And then just admitted that no matter what you said, it had no outcome on the case anyway.

So you were called here just to be chastised.

Yeah, you're pretty much saying everything that just went through my head.

I thought Giddam had some good defense quotes.

I shut him down.

He lied completely.

No,

that map one was good.

That map one was a good shot.

I'll give him that.

But Key's right.

Map was never about comedy.

It was all about being.

But he did all the credit.

Dude.

I love that he's talking about that.

That's what I was saying.

He's a wild card.

I can't.

I don't know what he'd say if I really asked you.

I have a line of.

No, it did pay off for you because what he thought was the smoking gun with the map backfired because, like you said, it was two independent thoughts.

Don't forget where I am.

I know funny and what the graphic would be behind you were two independent thoughts.

And you made yourself relatable by saying you want to represent your hometown.

Exactly.

There you go.

So it backfired on him.

Yeah,

backfired on me.

What?

Backfired on you.

Backfired on him.

Okay.

I'll take that.

You didn't even bring anything up that was relevant, so it couldn't back firefight on you.

Do you have any, Troy, as my co-counsel, if you have anything that you find that's so pressing?

No, the only thing I could offer is an apology for wasting your time.

Oh, where's my apology?

Hey, where's my apology?

Where's mine?

Where's mine?

And he basically was like, that's stupid, it sucks.

That's so, it's horrible.

And then a couple weeks later on this network that he worked for, this.

I'm here with Seth Rogen.

And then there's no like, like, oh, nothing, like, hey, that's a weird coincidence.

What you ought to do is.

I guess you do have some good idea once in a while.

The next trial by fire, Rance, should be, if Simeon was funny, for rejecting funerals.

For that, Simmon?

And maybe during that trial, you could ask me a bunch of questions about Keo.

Would you be willing to come back down again in the future and go on trial?

By dot, dot, dot, firing?

Always willing to come down here.

Well, he was subpoenaed tonight.

He had no choice.

Well, I know you got to get out of here.

That's why I really wasn't.

Oh, you're so full of shit.

I really wanted wanted to get you out of here.

I wouldn't be that rude.

No, no, no.

I appreciate it.

Oh, my God.

Now that the fucking defense is pussy-footing around, come on, man.

Stick to your guns like Simmy does.

He's like, you suck.

I think funerals is a funny idea in a.

Don't even talk about it.

That's it.

Sure.

Thank you.

You're just going to kick it on.

All right.

The witness is excused.

Thank you.

It's coming in.

Of course.

You know what?

I'll give you an opportunity.

Can you, in your own words, briefly explain to the jury why BQ is still relatable, why he is funny, and why the comments that you probably aren't even aware of.

You heard them, yeah.

Why they aren't warranted.

And why he won't give me Billy Eichner's phone number.

I think the video evidence speaks for itself.

I think he was a funny guy.

He got over 130 episodes of Impractical Jokers.

I mean, it's a good show.

So are the editors funny?

Yes.

Defense did not request to be able to recall this witness.

I will say,

I think Q is very relatable.

I think that's why people are drawn to him.

And I think that

when you have enough fans, you're always going to have some people out there who take issue with certain things.

But I think by and large, he's definitely relatable.

And, you know, he's going to talk about his life.

Part of his life is meeting famous people.

Mansion taxes.

Yeah, exactly.

Part of his life life is

at times unlikable.

Maybe the mansion tax isn't something that.

The mansion tax wasn't about me.

It was about a hundred years ago.

It was about your money.

The conversation wasn't even about me.

But I think he's a relatable

context.

Okay.

Coming soon from Telum C Dave, right?

Purchase us on Bandcamp.

No further questions.

I'm allowed to go back at him again, right?

No, you actually got the best person to recall the witness.

No.

I was going to recall the witness.

It was the witness that I want to stand.

There's direct, cross-redirect.

Okay.

Tim, I want to thank you for proving that I continue to rep my hometown, that many other people disparage.

Who the fuck could forget?

You talk about it every episode.

It's because I fucking rep my hometown.

All right.

Thank you.

Thank you for coming out.

Mr.

Simmy, I mean, come on.

Powerful, powerful.

The Staten Island map made no sense in the show open.

Did you see Brian Quinn up there on the stand?

He looks tired, doesn't doesn't he?

He looks worn out.

Looks like he needs energy, just like you, since you have no energy.

You know where a great place to get energy is?

What?

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That's naturebox.com/slash TSD for 50% off your first order.

And whoever gave me the mug for Simmy in the UK, I just gave it to him.

He's holding it right now.

He's taking it home with him.

Yes, it's amazing.

Thank you.

Yeah, somebody made a mug with the opening credits with me in it with the map of Staten Island behind it.

Excellent humor in the age.

Nice.

And I only say that because I know funny.

All right.

That's it.

Good enough.

Good enough for me.

I'd like to call it a stay in the next next witness.

Sluts coming to True TV 2017.

With a Z, of course.

Mr.

Sunday Jeff.

Oh, boy.

Wolf.

Now, this is a witness I feel confident about.

This is a guy who is squarely in my corner.

And here I am in your corner.

Nothing but good vibes between me and Sunday Jeff.

Another Jew guy.

I'm glad we have this non-denominational book.

Jew guy?

Jew guy?

Yeah.

Jew guy.

All right, Maxwell, do your thing.

He's got his hand on the Bible.

Sunday, Jeff, step forward, please.

Out of respect for the witness, I've replaced the Bible with a gently used Blu-ray copy of Quentin Tarantino's 2009 smash hit, Inglorious Bastards.

Sunday, Jeff, do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

I do.

You can be seated, sir.

All right.

Can you please state your name?

Hey Jeff.

And what do you do for a living, Mr.

Jeff?

I work on the stash on Sundays.

Do you watch Impractical Jokers?

I do not.

Okay, you never

seen it?

I've seen some episodes.

Okay.

All right, how about Tell him Steve Dave?

You listen to Tell him Steve Dave?

Yes.

Not when you're on the episode.

But as we're doing it.

Not when we're doing it.

But do you listen to episodes like when they drop?

Sometimes, not all the times.

But I do.

I listen to some episodes.

You're under oath?

You're under oath.

I am.

Okay.

What's the last episode you listened to?

Did you guys go to a flea market?

I don't recall.

You don't recall?

I don't recall.

Oh, that's a good one.

That was a good answer.

What was your favorite bit on Tell him, Steve Dave?

Let's see, probably

the roast.

Okay, and that was all about BQ, right?

Yes.

All right.

In your own words.

I love that, like he's going to put it in someone else's words.

Could you please explain to the courtroom why you believe the comments on Reddit were unwarranted, why BQ knows funny, and why he is still relatable?

If you believe any of that.

You don't know.

You're asking leading questions.

What do you mean?

You're saying

tell you why these things, but maybe he doesn't.

It's supposed to be if, right?

All right.

Change that.

Rephrase.

Rephrase to use inserting the word if.

Yeah, who's illegal now, cocksuckers?

Relatable.

You saw me hug that little girl here, right?

No, not only that.

I mean, it's just

amended.

She was measuring the way she screwed up.

She was screaming the whole time.

Prior to this, he was a fireman.

A fireman saves lives.

I thought the first time this was mentioned.

He put his life in front of other people

to save.

But he left that job too for the quick buck.

He did.

But it wasn't all

for the glitz and glamour.

But you know what?

Quick buck.

He also,

I'm sure he remembers his brothers and he probably helps out his brother, his fellow fireman.

Probably.

He does.

He just did a

benefit pop for a little kid with no ears.

And I don't even know about that.

No ears.

I mean, it's in ears.

I'm sorry.

He said area plants.

Also, he I believe he saved a couple of cats on the highway, I believe.

You believe.

Well, no, he's got the key.

He does have the keys.

Speculation.

He does have the cats.

He still owns that.

All right.

Yeah, what is that?

Now, do any of those things make him funny?

Which one are you going to do?

Well, that makes them relatable to a show that is like a humanarian.

Or humanitarian.

Humanitarian.

Whatever.

That's it.

I'm going to hook up.

As far as funny, listen, every podcast that I've been on with Q has been usually a pretty good podcast.

But also, Walt and I are on those podcasts.

True, it's hard to tell.

True.

Objection, Your Honor.

According to most statements, Sunday Jeff is the funniest one whenever he is on a pod.

Sunday Jeff said that?

No, it's been said by fans and listeners that Sunday Jeff is the funniest one.

It doesn't mean that other people aren't funny as well.

Maybe it's because of the supporting cast.

It's the little people that help Sunday cast.

All right, so

you're here tonight to tell the jury that every time you've been on a podcast with BQ,

he has never failed to not make you laugh.

That would be correct.

Wait, that's a double negative.

He's going to say never failed to not.

He has never failed to make you laugh.

Correct.

Okay.

So shall I strike that first answer?

Strike it.

Keep it.

It doesn't matter.

We'll win in this one.

Is that it?

You're done?

You're the one asking the question.

I mean, you still,

have you addressed everything I asked?

asked?

Well, I mean, I haven't known Q as long as you guys have.

I've probably known probably about six years, and obviously that you see him on a regular basis.

But like I said, the times that I've known him, also the times that we've done some of the live shows, you know,

before they've called my name up there, I hear quite a bit of laughs when Q's talking.

So, and usually people laugh when something is said that's funny.

All right.

All right.

Here, here, here.

No further questions.

You're a witness, counselor.

So,

Mr.

Sunday, Mr.

Jeff, I would prefer to be older.

Mr.

Sunday.

Yes.

Mr.

Sunday.

Like ice cream.

Remember?

So you stated under oath that you think Mr.

Q is funny?

I didn't say I think.

I said he is funny.

Oh, he is funny.

And you enjoy funny things?

I work with you.

The second time we've heard the tonic.

Boom.

Please answer the question.

But the state doesn't pay me to work here.

Please answer the question.

Boom.

Woo!

Yeah!

Please answer the question, Mr.

Sunday.

Do you enjoy funny things?

Yes.

So if you think Mr.

Q is so funny, why don't you watch him practical Jokers?

Because I believe it's on at certain times of the night.

That's a little bit past when I need to wake up.

Uh-huh.

And all those times you remark about your wonderful phone and your DVR and everything, you can't take the time to hit record and watch it later like you would a football game, which I know for a fact you do record and watch.

I know Q.

I don't have to watch a show to know he's funny.

You said you enjoyed funny things, so why not watch the show?

I expected more hostility from Simmy than Sunday Jeff.

Simmy's a cool cucumber, man.

You can't shake Simmy.

I didn't get my map.

You can't rattle that, guys.

Repeat your question, sir.

I said, you say you enjoy funny things, and you stated that you think under oath that Mr.

Q is funny, but you refuse to watch Impractical Jokers.

I didn't say I refuse.

I says, I just don't watch the show that much.

And then I asked you why, and you said, oh, I'm not awake at the time when you could record it.

My time is limited.

Do we got a pen?

Do I got a pen?

I want to write notes to my my guy

my schedule may not allow me to watch as much tv as some other people what's that supposed to mean

don't sit there with that look on your face don't you have any more questions for him what can he say

look at him

mr sundae have you seen every abana costello film no boom two of the funniest guys ever made and he's a fucking scene so you're arguing that all their films are funny.

Yeah, I am all of them at least part of them

part of them.

Sure.

So then it doesn't matter that he didn't catch anything.

If he didn't catch all of them, he caught the ones that are funny by your own admission.

What are you talking about?

You don't he said that he said that part of them are funny.

I've seen some of them.

He asked me if I've seen all of them.

And he admitted that part all of them aren't funny.

Every part of the movie is funny.

They have a romantic subplots.

Boom.

And your fucking face asshole.

Have you watched every funny thing ever made?

No.

Okay.

Have you seen any funny women in prison movies lately?

No.

Okay.

All right.

No further questions.

That was a point we had to make.

For Mr.

Jeff.

Thank you, Mr.

Jeff.

Thank you, not a problem.

Got this one.

Feeling good about my odds here.

All right.

My next witness, I'm calling to the stand, Chris Ladondo.

How you doing, buddy?

Pretty good.

Pretty good.

All right, enough fraternizing with the witness.

Chris Ledondo, step forward, please.

Place your hand on the Bible.

Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth and stick around even if some spooky shit breaks out?

You can ninja kick a meth-pueled homeless man on a subway, but you can't go Roadhouse on Casper.

Don't make no damn sense, boy.

I do.

Be seated.

Can you please state for the court your name?

Your full name?

Thank you.

Oh,

what?

What?

I'm not allowed to say something to my friends.

Sorry, Sasha.

Christopher Ledondo.

Do you have any aliases?

Chris Ladondo.

You're under oath.

I don't know what you mean, sir.

Okay.

All right, moving on.

A Roastmaster?

Yeah.

How long have you known the defendant?

I think about 11, 12 years.

I was introduced to him by Sal when he was in the fire academy.

By the fire academy.

Okay.

He had a shaved head, I remember.

2005.

Yep.

Isn't it true?

He was going to wax on about how fucking handsome he was the way you two were going at it.

She sounded like Mike and Ming.

You should have the same chair as

Isn't it true that you were at the conception or birth of Impractical Jokers, quote, when they were called the tenderloins?

Yeah, I helped with the earlier sketch videos and the sizzle reel for which became Impractical Jokers.

I was a cameraman.

So you've seen the rise of the tenderloins becoming the Jokers, becoming the phenomenon,

the world-known, world-renowned.

I knew then, sir, that they were funny.

You knew then?

Yes.

Do you know now?

Do you know now?

Absolutely.

Now, for full disclosure, you've been in this very courtroom before, haven't you?

I have.

During the trial of Bono Gate, correct?

Right.

And how did that trial turn out?

Not well.

You actually lost that trial, correct?

I did.

You lost it with a smile and a laugh because of your sense of humor.

Absolutely.

Which you

put on display

marvelously on the Tellim Steve Day Vinyl Cast 2 2016 birthday roast of Mr.

Brian Quinn, correct?

Thank you, yes.

Available on the merch table.

You did a set that...

Was better than Doug Stanhope's.

I know.

Was very well received, right, by the ant community, you would say.

I mean, it was, I mean, you really

shine that evening, and I believe that's why I could call you here tonight as an expert witness on comedy based upon your performance that evening.

Absolutely.

When the fuck is this human centipede of dick sucking going to fucking end?

This can continue.

You're handsome.

You're funny.

What the fuck?

Come on.

Get to the heart of the matter.

Do you have, and now you had so much material that evening.

Didn't you have some more jokes that you could offer us

just to show the courtroom your uh your abilities and why you would be labeled an expert i actually wrote two roasts after that like and and to no one in particular yeah

uh i have the practical joker's roast uh ready if can you just give us a couple of your best your best material i got us to just this just to squash any rumblings that you may not deserve to be sitting in that seat right now okay i'd ask the uh the witness to refrain from making any Stacey Patella jokes that she's a snowflake.

And

I won't have it.

I mean, I have an impractical joker's roast, and I have a giddem.

Just give me two of your, just give us two of yours.

I mean, this is so good.

I mean, you're all so great.

It's like

Sophie's choice here.

Okay, let's see.

Giddem Steve Davis here, ladies and gentlemen.

He thought the mannequin challenge was drilling a hole into one and fucking it.

Uh-oh.

Nobody?

Uh-oh.

I'm in.

All right, you got one more?

I got

a fat joke for Impractical Joe's fans.

Go ahead.

It's your call.

A fat joke about Giddam?

No, about Impractical Joke.

We can always clip it.

About my fans?

About your fans.

I won't have it.

Yeah, then you know what?

I won't have it.

Not on my watch.

Okay, this is going to, but Q, this is going to

taint the jury that he's not really an expert.

If they didn't listen to the the vinyl cast,

can I say something, though?

Can I say something?

I would rather go down in flames and be banned from this show than have fans of impractical jokers, my fans, disparaged in any way, shape, or form.

Even if it's a joke.

Ejection, prejudicial.

Even if it's a joke.

Those flames are going to last a while because those fat asses as fat is going to burn.

Like way away.

You don't know what mindset?

You might say something that upsets someone, and I won't have

my fans.

I'd rather lose this case than have my fans all right so then okay so you've kind of been cut off at the knees here Chris well I prepared a statement if it's okay for the court well and okay so in your own words please explain to the jury why you would make a dumb mannequin joke

why

they're really bad the other way why you're here tonight to defend BQ's honor okay well the charge of Quinn not being funny is ridiculous he's on one of the top rated TV comedy shows and on two continents.

As far as being relatable, I mean, he still lives on Staten Island.

There have been a number of celebrities that lived on Staten Island over the years, from the famed Barrymores to Martin Sheen, Paul Newman, Robin Quivers, Steven Segal, Alyssa Milano, Christine Aguilera, Theo Rossi, Pete Davidson, and Larry Harmon, aka

a Bozo to clown.

All those people moved off of Staten Island, not Quinn.

No.

Drives the Jeep, drives a Jeep Wrangler, not a Cadillac or any other luxury cars.

Continues to support the FDNY and their families.

Let him go, let him go.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Not an Iraq or something.

Come on, come on.

Continues to support the FDNY and their families.

He's on record saying being part of the FDNY was the proudest moment of his life.

Takes time out of his busy schedule every week to record Tell Him Steve Dave when he could be knee deep and menopausal pussy.

He wants to hang out with Giddam, despite Giddam ignoring him and putting him on this trial.

Again, how does this make him relatable to any normal human being?

Because he wants to fucking hang out with you.

Again, how does it make him relatable to any normal human being?

Charity makes you relatable.

Exactly.

He has modest hobbies like photography and finger-banging women while listening to contemporary working-class music, such as Bon Jovi.

I mean, you know, who even finger bangs at a middle-class level anymore?

Probably the most down-to-earth joker besides Salon Murray.

Can't stop himself.

It's all a roast.

He doesn't

kiss celebrities' ass on Twitter like some people.

Are you kidding me?

That's all he does.

I still suck.

When I still talk,

we won't mention.

Do with this picture what you will.

Makes the ant salute at every live IJ show.

The man knows his roots, whereas Tesdy merch on camera to promote the common man or common woman or gender fluid or whatever species Gid him is by the way.

Always fucking inserting his agenda.

Visited an ant meetup in the UK.

Oh.

Which they're like the Beatles out there?

Impractical joke.

Or the monkeys.

We haven't decided.

When stopped on the street, he always takes time to take pics with ants.

Willing to do live, tell them Steve Dave shows for far less money than his IJ appearance fees because he genuinely enjoys a connection with the ant community, the common people.

He is not as well off as you think.

True TV is not a major network.

He splits his money with three other partners, plus agents, managers, and taxes.

Non-scripted formats.

Because you fucking account.

Making a case.

Making a case.

I know things.

Because I don't want to get this on, I don't want to have a mistrial because of you going off on it.

And telling how common he is?

No, but like speculating on his finances.

Let fucking Q gets audited thanks to the trial.

Would you object to it?

Never in a real courtroom.

Non-scripted format TV is non-union.

This eliminates money-making opportunities every time IJ is aired, and we all know how fucking many times IJ is aired during the day.

Certainly not enough because Personny Def can't ever catch it.

It's always on before

his bedtime.

He's too busy.

If anything,

if anything, it's round two in the afternoon.

If anything, Q is being exploited by corporate America.

Oh, a harsh indictment of Trump.

Unfortunately,

he's a total victim.

Unfortunately, he's too far down the rabbit hole and has to take advantage of every money-making opportunity that may present itself.

Is it too late to change lawyers?

Wait, right?

There's no pension plan in Showbiz or 401k.

He has to pay for his own health insurance, no paid sick leave or vacation days.

In conclusion, Your Honor, Free Brian Quinn.

Yes.

My cousin Chris over there.

Wow, buddy.

Wow.

So, Mr.

Pussy, I'm surprised you were calling yourself.

As we're

don't let it let it

lose it because everyone's laughing.

As we're trying to determine what's funny, not scary.

Withdrawn.

I don't know.

I didn't write.

I didn't write it right with you.

That's like a mannequin joke.

Go ahead.

Keep going.

You guys are even now.

So you said it before you were in sketches with the members of the Impractical Jokers slash The Tenderloins years ago?

Yes.

Okay.

Are you on the show Impractical Jokers now?

No.

And you said that's one of the funniest shows that's around, right?

That's why I'm not on it.

Oh, okay.

So what's your theory?

Your theory as why you're not on it is you're not funny.

I'm not funny.

I was a cameraman for the Tenderloins.

Yeah.

Oh, no, he said he was in sketches.

Yeah, but I was a cameraman primarily.

But you've been in sketches, you said.

Some.

Okay.

And you said your theory is why you're not on the show is because you're not funny.

That's what you stated.

Sure.

I have a day job.

All right.

Now, I noticed you haven't brought up feminism.

Turn around IJ for that college thing that you're constantly bitching about on Twitter.

No, I'm not bitching, but I love it.

Too fall down a rabbit hole.

All right.

I noticed you haven't brought up feminism, Trump, or being a vegan in the last two minutes.

Are you feeling okay?

Feeling great.

Look at me.

You need a recession?

That's good, Donna.

You got Facebook or Instagram or Twitter or anything?

Yes, I did.

Now, I said,

do you need a recess?

Oh, no.

I already took a selfie in my car earlier.

All right.

Now, as my colleague said, you did perform

pretty well on the BK birthday roast.

Thank you.

BTK.

We're going to pay roast.

That's your roast.

So now, did you, in fact, and please remember you're under oath, write your own material?

Yes, I did.

Do you have any proof of that?

Because

what you presented recently is not that funny as evidenced by the crickets we heard.

Well, I did.

That's future.

You jerk off.

Yeah.

I did ask a couple of comedians advice on roast when I prepared it,

but they all answered academically what you need to do.

Nobody gave me a joke.

But actually, Sal.

Your proof is that you spoke to other comedians

for you.

Nobody gave me joke.

For your roast material.

I asked advice from Sal and Jiggy.

Sal at the last minute says, who do you want me to make fun of?

I'll do it for you.

And by then, I was like, no, I'm good.

I think I got it.

All right, so now do you have any witnesses that you wrote this uh roast material?

He's not on trial.

Objection, he's not on trial.

He went after his credibility, Q.

I mean, it speaks for itself.

Yeah, but he's asking for a witness, he's not on funny.

I mean, I mean, he actually provided

everything.

I really don't need him to answer the question, but he has stated that he doesn't know what funny is.

Yeah, so how can he be speculating like crazy, though?

He didn't say he doesn't know what funny is, he said he's not funny.

Oh, he's not funny, so then he does, he doesn't know what funny is.

No, I don't know how to fucking

mine diamonds, but I know I got diamonds, like, right?

Yeah, of course you do.

You get some African kids.

If I were to put Lance or a real diamond in front of you, you could tell the difference.

Whose side?

I'm sorry.

I know.

I'm just

kind of burning about you saying, like, you want a new lawyer when Chris came up.

I'd like to win through that straight.

It replaced his semi-ire.

Man, I don't know how to fucking fight terrorists in a building, but I love watching Diehard.

What the fuck's that got to do with me?

I get.

Well, how would would you know what a terrorist is ah we know

we all know

i'm done with this witness proves nothing that he sent them a wire you're done yes anything troy for uh um what would i go back to him to follow up following the um the roast did you receive a lot of comments on your roasting abilities on twitter or other social media i did Would you say it's fair to say that it was almost universal praise?

Yeah, for the most part.

Were there many detractors?

There were some people that maybe.

Did the praise well outweigh the detractors?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

So I would say that most people who follow them would be in agreement that you do no phony and you are.

Objection.

We never even proved that he did his own material.

There is no proof entered into evidence.

He doesn't have any proof into evidence.

Like Quinn said, he's under oath.

So he can't perjure himself?

Can you prove it he's perjured himself?

Can you prove it anybody is roast?

I don't have to prove he rose roast.

Neither does he, because he's under oath.

Well, why do I have to prove that he can perjure himself?

I'm

I think he already perged him.

Can't I just call him a liar and be done with it?

Purging himself all day.

I'll tell you that.

You should start purging a little bit.

Well, I did write those jokes because

that plastic thing pop out of your stomach.

I did write those jokes because for 11, 12 years, I got to see this guy be funny.

So it kind of rubbed off on me.

I have good company.

Wow.

It or he.

Powerful final statement.

Yeah, it's kind of weak.

What are you doing?

No further questions.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Great for you, baby.

Thank you.

Come on.

Love it.

He did perjure himself, though, on the stand, though.

Wow.

When I asked him about his aliases, he did not reveal.

That's because he lost the name Ghost Pissy.

Technically, he's correct.

It's like you're going to seal the rest.

Can't introduce it.

Really?

How did he use it?

I can't remember.

How was that punishment?

The punishment was to

state an apology to iTunes to you.

Right.

Oh, and then we would never call you that no more?

Oh, well, then we have not followed through with that either.

That's on us.

You've reached the end of the trial of Brian Q, part one.

Tune in next week for part two,

where there's even more slings and arrows against our boy.

You say I don't know what I'm doing.

I said, I don't know where you've been.

I don't care for agitation anymore.

Take it back this time again.

Just come back this time, my friend.

You has me on my website,

and I'll lie again.

Have fools in my hair on seven hours.

Well, I'm dying with you.

Bload away, blown away, oh.

I'll start again on my own.

Miles away.

I will be a victim.

The memory in your head warms miles away.

My mind's beating up for so long.

I remember your kids.

When I'm stealing drunk and so strong,

I've been thinking back to everything

I've been.

You said I don't know what I'm doing,

break my life.

I said I don't know where you

changed.

I don't care for agitation anymore.

Take it back this time again.

Just come back this time, my friend.

You realize me on my way to my house.

For what I don't know.

And I've been walking out on my own again.

With nowhere to go.

Find away, fight away, bro.

I'll start again on the feet, on the side of the world.

But it still feels like I'm a man again.

Each time I'm inside it, though.

My mind's beating up for so long.

I've been ever your gift.

When I'm sleeping, drunk and so strong.

I've been thinking back to everything

I've been.

Said, don't know what do it, in my life.

I said no way.

I don't care for my hesitation anymore.

Take it back this time again.

Just go back.

Let's have

this

time.

Things will be different.

It's time.

I'm taking a different approach

This

time

Nothing will be different

I've seen most

mine

coming

Things will be different

this time

I'm it into the porch.

I've seen both minds

in a composure

I just say good.

You're right, I don't know what I'm doing

with my life.

I still don't know where you ended.

I don't care, I don't care anymore.

Take it back this time

again.

Let's come back.

This has been a production of Smodco Internet Radio, sir only at Smodcast.com.