#322: My Cousin Quinny Part I

Speaker 1 In the Tellim Steve-Davetown justice system, the ants are represented by two separate but equally important people.

Speaker 1 Troy, who investigates crimes, and Walt, who prosecutes the offenders. Or sometimes Gidden prosecutes the offenders and Troy wonders what he's doing there in the first place.

Speaker 2 These are their stories.

Speaker 3 Flarence Narrow never fucking had an opening statement like that, man.

Speaker 3 I'm eating staples.

Speaker 3 You be stapling your stomach.

Speaker 3 Tell him Steve Dave.

Speaker 4 Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell him Steve Dave, the trial of Brian Q. Quinn,

Speaker 7 where we will learn if he's going to remain a part of the show in the capacity that he's been in for the past, what, six years?

Speaker 11 Or will he be reduced down to

Speaker 12 minuscule minutes?

Speaker 10 Substance.

Speaker 5 We might not know if he's here or not.

Speaker 13 I don't know if I can speak up.

Speaker 14 My attorney, I don't know if he wants me to speak.

Speaker 12 There's a gag order. It hasn't begun yet.

Speaker 12 Once the court is in session, then everything you say can be held.

Speaker 9 I'll hold you in contempt for every possible reason.

Speaker 13 Yeah,

Speaker 13 this is probably the biggest day of my career today.

Speaker 19 In any career I've ever had.

Speaker 20 This is it.

Speaker 4 And you've been on trial for things before.

Speaker 15 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 That racist incident, that statutory rape.

Speaker 9 There's been some other things that he escaped by the skin of his teeth, but I don't know what to do.

Speaker 13 Well, when you found not guilty, buddy, you found not guilty.

Speaker 19 That's true.

Speaker 19 What court in the land is like racist?

Speaker 23 Like, who put you on?

Speaker 13 I thought that was like just a court of public opinion.

Speaker 12 Well, I mean, you set that fire, though.

Speaker 19 Yeah, but again.

Speaker 26 Well, it was a black guy's house, and it was to a cross.

Speaker 27 You got to stop.

Speaker 17 I don't this. What is going on with you lately in these jokes?

Speaker 28 But it's not gonna help your groove.

Speaker 16 It's certainly not gonna help mine.

Speaker 28 Simmons over there sweating.

Speaker 17 Knock it off.

Speaker 19 Come on.

Speaker 29 He's sweat more than me in this fucking robe I never should have bought.

Speaker 30 You went all out, man.

Speaker 31 You brought a gavel.

Speaker 14 I know. I bought this gavel.

Speaker 13 That's like a classic.

Speaker 25 What is that? An antique?

Speaker 4 Dude, this was owned by some guy.

Speaker 32 What the fuck, man?

Speaker 14 My glasses got stuck underneath on a poker table. Oh, God.

Speaker 10 This is owned by Frank Smith, 1927 to 1928.

Speaker 4 I mean, I guess he either died or wasn't a very good president of the West Harford Town Council in Connecticut.

Speaker 18 Where did you get that?

Speaker 7 I don't know. Somebody's door was unlocked.

Speaker 35 So, wait, wait, that gavel has more Providence than the skull does.

Speaker 16 Possibly.

Speaker 17 Can I respond?

Speaker 31 Yes.

Speaker 12 There's a beginning. Your quarter's not in session, Q.

Speaker 13 Spell Providence.

Speaker 35 P-R-O-V-I-N-A-N-T-E.

Speaker 19 Is that right? I need a ruling.

Speaker 17 No, and I don't think I'm going to do that. Isn't there a D in there?

Speaker 16 Yeah, I'm going to say.

Speaker 36 We're talking about providence.

Speaker 17 We're not talking about

Speaker 6 whether.

Speaker 15 Please,

Speaker 12 now I'm going to say,

Speaker 12 if you don't know the definition or the pronunciation, you shouldn't offer it up to him, but just be made.

Speaker 22 So, you're saying you're throwing yourself on the mercy of the court?

Speaker 4 Because that's every fucking episode.

Speaker 16 I tell them to do

Speaker 12 the last thing to be stricken from directly.

Speaker 30 There you go. Thank you.

Speaker 4 All right, so we got to get going to

Speaker 4 see if Quinn's going to stay on this show or not.

Speaker 12 Hey, but like, there is, like, we got to.

Speaker 38 I hope so.

Speaker 12 But we have a room full of people that, if you are, like, you know, have to have a major, major reduced role. Yeah.
A lot of people in the room that could step in and fill, you know, the spot.

Speaker 12 You know.

Speaker 13 Well, that's going to affect, that's going to affect. And they got self-serving interests then.

Speaker 16 That's every courtroom does.

Speaker 12 That's just reality.

Speaker 19 I need a fair trial, bro.

Speaker 13 I need a fair trial.

Speaker 29 I see Simmy wringing his hands in anticipation.

Speaker 20 Maybe he could be the new cue.

Speaker 40 All right.

Speaker 22 So let's get going.

Speaker 4 What is today's case?

Speaker 41 Today's case is the Reddit Trolls versus Brian Quinn.

Speaker 4 Is the prosecution ready?

Speaker 7 Yes. The fuck off the phone.

Speaker 12 Yeah, turn your phone off, unless you got notes on it.

Speaker 42 I know.

Speaker 43 He doesn't.

Speaker 4 Is the defense ready?

Speaker 12 Never been more ready.

Speaker 44 All right.

Speaker 12 See, we looked at each other eye to eye like that.

Speaker 12 I know you've put a lot of faith in me. I'm not going to let you down.

Speaker 4 As a judge, I was very impressed with that.

Speaker 6 Yeah,

Speaker 12 right away. I want the,

Speaker 12 you see, a lot of this is audio, so the Reddit jury cannot see how we just look at each other right now.

Speaker 13 Gave a little slight nod to each other. Yeah.
Ready to do this.

Speaker 24 Very confident.

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 29 This other guy fumbling with his phone.

Speaker 9 He's got a lot of papers over there.

Speaker 45 Okay, so this trial is about a couple things, it would appear.

Speaker 4 The most prominent being, does Brian Quinn know funny? The next being, is Brian Quinn relatable?

Speaker 46 The third being, what was the third again?

Speaker 12 Were the comments left, the mean comments on Reddit, warranted?

Speaker 6 Right.

Speaker 11 Well, I guess that's not what he's on trial for. That's what we're going to decide.

Speaker 37 That's what a trial is, isn't it?

Speaker 19 Right, but that's not.

Speaker 22 Yeah, but that will be the decision in the end if they're warranted or not.

Speaker 12 Can we make a motion to see if the judge is.

Speaker 17 Yes, the judge is on pills, so you don't even need to file a motion.

Speaker 16 He's still

Speaker 48 the judge.

Speaker 4 But I was handed earlier, just before we started, there's a plea agreement that the prosecution submitted, Q.

Speaker 45 Oh, really?

Speaker 16 And Walt, yes.

Speaker 29 Plea offer. All right.

Speaker 7 You are facing

Speaker 4 10%

Speaker 4 of your former participation, which means you would only appear on one of every 10 tell him Steve Daves.

Speaker 13 Oh, it's not I could be on every episode, but only in a 10% capacity?

Speaker 4 That's too hard to measure. So we decided that one in 10.

Speaker 44 Right.

Speaker 10 That'll be easier for us to do the measure.

Speaker 46 Okay.

Speaker 6 Who do we look like?

Speaker 4 Ming Chen over here?

Speaker 17 Hey, guys.

Speaker 40 So

Speaker 7 the offer is

Speaker 10 60%.

Speaker 11 Get him.

Speaker 4 He would like to be on six out of every 10 shows.

Speaker 12 So wait, so if he's saying right now, we could end it right here, right now,

Speaker 12 if Q agrees to puts in the Alford plea,

Speaker 12 saying that he agrees that the comments were warranted, he doesn't know funny, and he is not relatable, and he could come six out of every ten episodes. Is that what's on the table here?

Speaker 4 That's what you guys submitted, yes.

Speaker 12 No, no, that would be the prosecution.

Speaker 11 No, he's going to come back with something, right?

Speaker 12 No, no, the prosecution.

Speaker 33 Well, that was the prosecution's offer.

Speaker 9 Holy shit, this judge is fucking.

Speaker 26 Well, then, why did I write down that you guys are coming back with 30%?

Speaker 12 We're not coming. No, he's offering us, we could be.

Speaker 20 Oh, you have to counter.

Speaker 12 Well, or we either accept or we say no. We'd like to proceed with the private sector.

Speaker 42 No, they can counter, right, Troy?

Speaker 33 Well, this is supposed to be worked out before they even come to the judge.

Speaker 16 And they're trying to blame me. They're trying to blame me.

Speaker 50 He didn't know. He didn't know what to do.

Speaker 17 When do we hit mistrial?

Speaker 23 At what point do we hit mistrial?

Speaker 17 I think the moment we could play, we're going to record.

Speaker 38 No, it was a mistrial.

Speaker 33 How about a 10-minute workout a plea, and if they land on an agreement, the prosecution tells the judge that this is the plea deal on the table.

Speaker 4 All All right, and you guys didn't work that out.

Speaker 12 Well, what's the offer?

Speaker 34 There's a potential

Speaker 19 prosecution offering.

Speaker 35 60%

Speaker 35 and

Speaker 31 what?

Speaker 35 Nobody gave it to me.

Speaker 4 It's your deal.

Speaker 12 60%.

Speaker 12 Rather than if you lose, you could go down to

Speaker 9 every 10%.

Speaker 20 You could go down to 20 to 10%.

Speaker 2 But you also have to say that you don't know, funny.

Speaker 24 Yeah, you have to admit all those words.

Speaker 19 Oh, so I'm guilty.

Speaker 13 I throw myself, I go get, I plead guilty.

Speaker 16 Nolo contendre, was that it's the Latin saying?

Speaker 33 You're pleading guilty for a lighter sentence than what you could be facing.

Speaker 12 An Alfred plea, right? When he would say that he could say that he is saying those things, but he's not really admitting it, right? Right.

Speaker 4 He's you could do the Alfred please. You're like the West Memphis 3 over here.

Speaker 18 Right.

Speaker 12 But you just didn't care guy.

Speaker 45 You just didn't hot tie a boy.

Speaker 16 Well, I'm not on this gentleman.

Speaker 17 I'll be on trial for that.

Speaker 46 He could have done it all the way here.

Speaker 31 What do you think, Q?

Speaker 12 I say that's a pretty good deal.

Speaker 17 What?

Speaker 17 Dude!

Speaker 26 Only 40% less Q.

Speaker 29 A lot of people are calling for more than that.

Speaker 4 A lot of people would look at Giddam as like going light, like a slap on the wrist, I think.

Speaker 13 No. Well, I got all the faith in you, Walt.

Speaker 26 You want to proceed to trial?

Speaker 20 Proceed to trial, please, please.

Speaker 12 We're going forward with the trial.

Speaker 42 All right, it's thrown out.

Speaker 14 This plea bargain is very convoluted.

Speaker 16 Can that be taken at any time or only now?

Speaker 44 Right before they render the verdict.

Speaker 28 Can I see how this goes before we throw that out the window?

Speaker 12 No, we're going to go full steam ahead. We are going to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that BQ knows funny,

Speaker 12 is relatable,

Speaker 12 and the Reddits are assholes.

Speaker 19 Yeah, it was on Warren.

Speaker 6 Come on now.

Speaker 9 We've got to keep it clean in the courtroom.

Speaker 18 Some decorum.

Speaker 7 So, Walt, I guess this is your opening statement.

Speaker 19 Prosecution goes first.

Speaker 16 It says right. Right?

Speaker 50 You told me.

Speaker 12 Doesn't a prosecution go first?

Speaker 17 Doesn't know how much people? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 35 Now, Your Honor knows how the

Speaker 16 fucking go, get them.

Speaker 17 We went over it. We went to dinner.

Speaker 12 We went to dinner and went over this hour.

Speaker 16 Everybody's been to court?

Speaker 20 I was on pills.

Speaker 16 You've been in court.

Speaker 33 We're starting a mock trial about what people said about Q on a record board.

Speaker 53 We're not really striving for authenticity.

Speaker 17 I know, you just pissed at me.

Speaker 16 Because I'm the judge of this role.

Speaker 22 Because I'm like, who goes first?

Speaker 12 No, also explain Troy before we begin, like, who the who's the prosecution, who's the defense, and what Troy's role will be.

Speaker 11 Yes, sir.

Speaker 29 I didn't know I worked for a fucking uppity barrister over here.

Speaker 17 If you don't

Speaker 23 know, you're painting a picture for people who aren't here.

Speaker 12 And some who may never have listened to Tom Steve Dave before. They may think.
Oh, this could be their first time because they hear the hoopla surrounding this.

Speaker 12 They might want to hear maybe BQ really was on travel. Where'd you guys go to dinner?

Speaker 37 Lone Star.

Speaker 4 Maybe because you picked the loudest fucking restaurant in the county. I couldn't hear anything you were saying.

Speaker 54 Oh, but the people saying he had his birthday.

Speaker 16 People are dancing.

Speaker 36 There's literally 10 birthdays.

Speaker 7 You've never seen so many fucking birthdays in your life at this place.

Speaker 4 Every two seconds, and they got to dance and sing, and plus they got the music, and the ceilings are real high, so everything's reverberating.

Speaker 7 And I'm like, I'm going to go out of my fucking mind here.

Speaker 19 I get one thing wrong.

Speaker 20 One thing.

Speaker 17 One thing.

Speaker 26 All right. So, Walt, you're the defense.

Speaker 4 You'll be defending Q today

Speaker 4 against these allegations.

Speaker 46 Get them.

Speaker 4 You seem to believe that they are founded, which is why you leapt at the chance to prosecute him.

Speaker 35 Yes.

Speaker 44 Okay.

Speaker 35 Being a member of that said Reddit board.

Speaker 29 Right. You are a member of the the Reddit board.

Speaker 4 Is that a conflict of interest, Troy?

Speaker 44 I would think so. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 20 I'm not asking you guys.

Speaker 7 We're asking the expert.

Speaker 14 Does it matter at this point?

Speaker 18 Do we have to do somebody up there to be the prosecutor?

Speaker 16 I guess not.

Speaker 18 Okay.

Speaker 33 Wait, but the Reddit board, are they split down the middle on their opinions?

Speaker 14 It doesn't seem that way.

Speaker 17 Not according to the defendant.

Speaker 12 But Troy is going to be acting since he is out of all of TSD town.

Speaker 17 Speaking of conflict,

Speaker 12 he will be acting as

Speaker 12 almost like an automatic quarterback of sorts.

Speaker 4 Well, he's the only police officer in all of Telum Steve Dave Town, so he has to help.

Speaker 12 Well,

Speaker 12 he's been in a lot of courtrooms, so we thought he would be

Speaker 12 best put to use as acting as co-counsel for when it's Giddam's turn to go, and he'll also come to my side when it's the defense's turn to go.

Speaker 12 Utilizing him as the best we can, so we would get the most authentic courtroom action for the listeners.

Speaker 33 Yeah, this all feels very familiar.

Speaker 12 You've never been asked to

Speaker 12 go on a trip.

Speaker 17 To be on a free automotive, to be on a podcast for a mock trial.

Speaker 16 No,

Speaker 12 when you're called in to testify in a real courtroom, you have to be, but like you don't go to, you don't help.

Speaker 20 I don't bounce between the defense of the other people.

Speaker 17 No.

Speaker 17 Not usually. It hasn't come up yet.

Speaker 16 It may, though, right?

Speaker 19 At some point.

Speaker 20 Could be.

Speaker 21 I mean, the only reason it happened yet was fucking Obama.

Speaker 33 Trump's going to change that now.

Speaker 16 All the laws are going to change.

Speaker 33 Like Chris says, it's end times.

Speaker 26 Now, will it?

Speaker 4 Does it affect Troy's credibility that he snuck into the evidence room and stole the matches that had Q's DNA on them that he used to light that cross-up that we mentioned earlier?

Speaker 44 Okay.

Speaker 12 All right. So prosecution opens.
Then it's my opening. Then Gidham will call his witnesses.

Speaker 4 Okay?

Speaker 4 You're the prosecution, right?

Speaker 45 Okay. no, I'll just get around.

Speaker 35 Hello, Your Honor.

Speaker 20 Today is my...

Speaker 20 Wait, when do I do this, Troy?

Speaker 4 When do I...

Speaker 55 Is that just when people are like rowdy and shit?

Speaker 16 The gavel?

Speaker 6 Eric.

Speaker 35 Your Honor, the onerous duty has fallen to my fortune to present to you, imperfectly as it will probably be, to sustain the cause of Reddit against Brian Quinn.

Speaker 35 The high station of the accused, the novelty of the proceeding, the gravity of the business, the possible momentous result of the issues, each and all must plead to me to claim your attention for

Speaker 35 as long a time as your patience may endure.

Speaker 35 Now, for the first time in the history of TESD, has the swarm brought before its highest tribunal, its chief funny man, for trial and possible deposition from office upon charges of not knowing what funny is or being relatable.

Speaker 35 Through witness testimony, statements, and even his own words, I will prove to you, who Mr. Quinn refers to as chumps and suckers, that he doesn't know his funny bone from his tailbone.

Speaker 37 It's powerful.

Speaker 17 Boy.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 6 Clarence Darrow never fucking had an opening statement like that, man.

Speaker 12 So now the defense will read it.

Speaker 19 Well, it's not as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Speaker 16 Oh, really?

Speaker 19 You didn't think that was a...

Speaker 43 Well, I can understand what he meant.

Speaker 17 That's.

Speaker 17 It's usually.

Speaker 16 Call me a mushmouth?

Speaker 12 All right, so now the defense will read its opening statement, Q. Thank you.
I don't know if you, I didn't go over what you, so you

Speaker 16 are.

Speaker 43 I'm happy with whatever you do.

Speaker 12 May it please the court.

Speaker 22 It does.

Speaker 12 Good evening.

Speaker 12 Brian Quinn doesn't know funny. Brian Quinn has in recent years become unlikable.

Speaker 12 Brian Quinn has become a veritable stranger to Mr. and Mrs.
John Q. Average citizen.

Speaker 14 Sign Mrs. Quinn.

Speaker 9 That's a letter. That's not your opening statement.

Speaker 57 I bang that gavel.

Speaker 12 Brian Quinn should be removed from Telling Steve Dave, which incidentally in 2010 won both People's Choice and Best Comedy in the podcast awards.

Speaker 12 These are some of the statements made in regard to my client, Brian Q Quinn, on a website known as quote-unquote Reddit.

Speaker 16 If there is such a thing:

Speaker 12 statements made under a veil of secrecy, a security blanket of anonymity.

Speaker 12 I haven't messed up a word yet.

Speaker 11 Oh, it's beautiful.

Speaker 12 This is how this is how serious I'm taking this shit.

Speaker 24 I love it, dude.

Speaker 12 Ladies and gentlemen of the Reddit jury, I intend to demonstrate that these hateful comments found on the Reddit TSD Cares thread regarding my client are both patently false as well as libelous.

Speaker 12 We're going to hear

Speaker 12 a popoletic.

Speaker 34 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 12 I knew I wasn't going to be able to do it.

Speaker 37 Apoplectic.

Speaker 12 Apoplectic.

Speaker 47 Apoplectic. There you go, Simmy.

Speaker 16 Thank you.

Speaker 12 Testimonials regarding Mr. Quinn.
All of which not only will I prove beyond a reasonable doubt.

Speaker 12 All of which not only will I prove beyond a reasonable doubt are completely unfounded, but have been made by a small yet quite vocal segment of the TSD audience.

Speaker 12 Make no mistake, ladies and gentlemen, they are an angry segment. They are a bitter segment.
And most of all, they are an entitled segment.

Speaker 12 What angers these people about my clients so much that they would turn like a pack of feral swine on a person they claim that they enjoy listening to?

Speaker 12 What sins could my client possibly have committed that would incite these listeners to take the information superhighway to besmirch the reputation of a man whose only aim is to entertain and spread joy?

Speaker 30 What ethos?

Speaker 36 Ethos.

Speaker 12 Ethos could be responsible for the aforementioned entitle Reddit posters to virtually molest my client as if he weren't a human being, but some woeful donkey being subjected to disagreeable acts in a sexual show, typically associated with a place south of the border?

Speaker 12 After hundreds of hours of exhaustive research, I found a few blunders my client, Mr. Quinn, made, which are as follows.
Number one,

Speaker 12 he made a few lame tax jokes that didn't quite land.

Speaker 12 He fervently claimed to support Hillary Clinton for president in a long con joke that honestly never quite paid off.

Speaker 12 He enthusiastically reported being bestowed the honor of colonel, expecting congratulations and yucks. only been met with scorn and doubt.

Speaker 12 Number four, after falling short on nearly every every episode of Tellim Steve Dave Overkill, a slight embellishment regarding the Prussian kissing skull sent some of the haters into a virtual blood frenzy, all because Brian Quinn desperately wanted to bring something compelling to the table for one time on Overkill.

Speaker 12 And last,

Speaker 12 skeletos.

Speaker 58 That's it.

Speaker 12 That is what infinitesimal.

Speaker 12 Infinitesimal, but somehow meaningful cross-section cross-section of the Reddit Untitled calling for Mr. Quinn's dismissal from Telum Steve Dave.
That didn't sound right, but we're moving on.

Speaker 12 Ladies and gentlemen, there are no mulligans on the links of the angry and untitled. There are no scraps in their scrapbook.
Every joke must land. Every bit undiluted perfection.

Speaker 12 Every opinion delivered sans controversy or a hint of free thought.

Speaker 12 Otherwise, one will hear just how unfunny, unlikable, unrelatable, and in most extreme cases, unfuckable, one really is.

Speaker 12 There's a well-known adage, the past is the past.

Speaker 12 And no one group adheres to those words more than the entitled. Countless hours of laughs and entertainment, yesterday's news, asking for nothing in return for free content?

Speaker 12 So what?

Speaker 12 Should your mindset conflict with the strongly held convictions of the entitled?

Speaker 12 Well, be at the ready with your most practiced bray because you're heading for one hell of a donkey show that very few have the moxie to endure,

Speaker 12 let alone survive.

Speaker 12 My client attempted to curry favor with those who had blackened his reputation and very sadly believed he was successful in earning just a taste of goodwill. He later admitted he was wrong.

Speaker 12 But was he?

Speaker 12 Tonight, through testimony, eyewitness accounts, character witnesses, and submission of irrefutable evidence, I will prove that he was not wrong.

Speaker 12 That the faceless keyboard cowards who lurk in the phantasmic glow of their computer screens, who haunt the Reddit boards like so many specters of hostility and negativism, negativism, negativism,

Speaker 16 you know what I'm saying, are in fact the ones who are wrong.

Speaker 12 Example after example of his superior knowledge regarding the subject of funny shall not only be offered, but verified and true.

Speaker 12 The comedic expertise coupled with the use of his razor-sharp humor, not only makes Mr. Quinn the funniest member on both his podcast and television show,

Speaker 12 but also ranks him amongst the most beloved funny men in history.

Speaker 12 The defense will make the case that my client stands shoulder to shoulder with comedy legends such as Charlie Chaplin,

Speaker 12 Buster Keaton, W.C. Fields, Red Buttons, Shecky Green,

Speaker 12 Joey Bishop,

Speaker 12 Maury Amsterdam, Buddy Hackett, Larry Storch,

Speaker 12 and finally Soupy Sales.

Speaker 12 Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please keep in mind that this trial is not about whether or not my client is likable. This is not about Mr.
Quinn's

Speaker 12 incessant attention seeking by the way of hobnobbing with his celebrity bettors.

Speaker 12 Or the cringeworthy desperation in his shameless attempts to receive free goods and services because he's a celebrity. These things are irrelevant and should be stricken from your mind.

Speaker 12 You need only concern yourself with one question:

Speaker 12 Is Brian Quinn funny?

Speaker 12 Judging by the goofy look on the prosecution's face,

Speaker 12 I think everyone except him already knows the answer. Thank you.

Speaker 12 Wow.

Speaker 38 What do you think?

Speaker 17 Wow, I'm so glad.

Speaker 28 I'm so glad I didn't accept that please do.

Speaker 50 Oh my god.

Speaker 5 Beautiful, impassioned.

Speaker 17 I mean, I'm ready to rule right now.

Speaker 19 Wow.

Speaker 34 All right. Walter.

Speaker 16 Unbelievable.

Speaker 20 Thank you.

Speaker 30 Thank you.

Speaker 12 It's gorgeous. All right.
You want me to give up? You want to call a mistrial? You want to...

Speaker 12 What's it called when you

Speaker 12 pull back the charges?

Speaker 19 I'll dismiss it. Yeah, you want to dismiss it?

Speaker 12 No?

Speaker 19 I don't think you can. Only I can.

Speaker 16 I'm the asshole though.

Speaker 49 All right, CG, we got to take a break in the action.

Speaker 49 The prosecution, Giddam, and Walt, the defense, just gave their opening statements against BQ Quinn and for BQ Quinn to see if he gets to stay on the podcast. We got to whisper, though.
Otherwise,

Speaker 49 the judge is a real jerk. He might try tossing us out of the courtroom.
I think a misplay on BQ Quinn's part, he wore a beautiful movement watch. And everybody's going to think he's rich.

Speaker 49 That's one of the things. He's out of touch with the common man.
But here's the good thing about movement watches is that they look expensive, but they're not. They start at just $95.

Speaker 49 They figured out that by selling online, they were able to cut out the middleman. Classic designs, 500,000 watches sold in over 160 countries.
That's a lot of countries, buddy.

Speaker 49 Do you have a movement watch?

Speaker 17 No.

Speaker 49 Guilty of not having a watch.

Speaker 49 Anyway, 15% off today with free shipping and free returns. Go to movementwatches.com slash T-E-S-D and you're going to get a sweet looking watch.
It'll make you look rich just like Quinn.

Speaker 49 You saw Quinn in the courtroom, right?

Speaker 49 He's gorgeous.

Speaker 59 Yes.

Speaker 49 Wow, you're you're just you're you're full of energy today, aren't you?

Speaker 59 I'm up being aushy.

Speaker 49 You have brain energy? Well start using it, goddammit. MVMT Watches dot com slash T E S D.

Speaker 12 All right, so uh I'm sure everyone's uh just mentally and physically exhausted after listening to um such daunting testimony.

Speaker 12 So if I have uh just an announcement if you want to relax with a little bit less stressful, tell them Steve Dave.

Speaker 12 We've recorded a special charity episode for

Speaker 12 a friend of Q's whose son has some ear issues and he's going in for something called a cochlear implant.

Speaker 61 And we recorded a charity album for him called the Cochlear Album.

Speaker 12 That's C-O-C-H-L-E-A-R.

Speaker 12 And if you go to tesdimplants.bandcamp.com, you'll be able to pick up that episode and

Speaker 12 help a little kid maybe here again, or for the first time, actually. And it'd be nice if, you know...

Speaker 12 I envision, you know, how like in the movies or a Television show, when someone is

Speaker 12 sees for the first time, they unwrap the bandages, and it's this wonderful moment. Maybe they'll put a

Speaker 12 little bit of earbuds in this little baby's ears, and maybe the first thing he'll hear is me laughing. Wouldn't that be something beautiful? So go to tesdimplants.bandcamp.com.
Let's see if we can...

Speaker 12 I know we're going to be able to. I mean, you guys are amazing.
You've never failed to not come through.

Speaker 48 This,

Speaker 18 the cochlear album, it's for a good cause.

Speaker 17 Thanks.

Speaker 16 All right.

Speaker 12 So now it's up to the prosecution to call your first witness.

Speaker 35 All right. For our witnesses, we're going to be calling Reddit users.
And through use of testimony that they have provided to the court.

Speaker 41 Reddit users, please step forward. You can place your hand just anywhere near the Bible.
I can't have you bursting into flames, burning down our beautiful comic courtroom.

Speaker 41 Do you anonymous venom-filled sorry sons of bitches solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? So help you, God.

Speaker 4 Get them will be reading 50 pages of fucking testimony now.

Speaker 36 It's only about three. Okay.

Speaker 35 And my co-counsel will read some others.

Speaker 33 It's actually inadmissible as hearsay, but whatever.

Speaker 16 Whatever that.

Speaker 33 It's hearsay, but whatever.

Speaker 12 Well,

Speaker 12 they emailed it to me. Doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter. Email doesn't count.

Speaker 19 You'd have to speed up.

Speaker 18 You're on my side.

Speaker 47 It's okay.

Speaker 12 He's able to go back and forth. Whatever he tells me, then he could diffuse it with you.

Speaker 12 That's what he's here for, to offer his opinion.

Speaker 29 Quit fucking smiling.

Speaker 6 Don't be quiet.

Speaker 12 So these really wouldn't be admissible in a real court?

Speaker 14 Something written on a piece of paper?

Speaker 16 Like, here it is.

Speaker 16 I mean, what the fuck else do I need?

Speaker 34 All right.

Speaker 31 There's no name, but this witness says he saw him do it.

Speaker 63 So

Speaker 12 are there stupid questions? Because these are a lot of people listening tonight, maybe never been a quorum.

Speaker 26 They don't know.

Speaker 12 We're also teaching in this moment rather than just entertaining.

Speaker 42 No, I'm in agreement with you.

Speaker 19 Okay.

Speaker 10 I think Troy's being a buzzkill.

Speaker 35 All right, Reddit user number one. We're using pseudonyms to protect the innocent.
As to Brian Quinn, number one, no surprise here, taxes.

Speaker 35 While it's understandable why he's so upset, Q comes off as ungrateful for what he has. He's only being taxed so much because he makes so much.

Speaker 35 While I understand where he's coming from, 50% is a lot to take out. He's complaining about making at least $410,000 a year.

Speaker 35 By openly saying how much he's being taxed, he is inadvertently telling the audience he has at least taking home $205,000 a year.

Speaker 35 Being a single bachelor, that is no small amount worth complaining about. According to a New York business and finance website, the average household income is $71,000 on Staten Island.

Speaker 35 It's hard to get behind someone who is so upset that they are taking home more than four times the amount of the average homeowner in his area.

Speaker 16 Wait, no,

Speaker 33 if it was $71,000, four times that would be $280,000. And they said they think he makes...

Speaker 35 I'm just reading what the witness provides.

Speaker 43 That's why are we giving any weight?

Speaker 33 This guy's a retard.

Speaker 19 Yeah.

Speaker 16 Thank you.

Speaker 17 Holding my side right now.

Speaker 54 That's a household income.

Speaker 35 It's not single.

Speaker 18 Come on.

Speaker 18 You can't.

Speaker 12 I haven't heard anything that is objectional yet.

Speaker 50 You make a lot of money, bro.

Speaker 16 Me neither.

Speaker 12 After that was way below what you make, right?

Speaker 63 Yeah, but my point is this.

Speaker 16 This is America.

Speaker 13 This is America. And this guy, this Reddit character who just wrote in, if we, I say this, if we were in a movie

Speaker 43 and we had a shop, right?

Speaker 13 And somebody came to your door and was like, I want 50% of what you make?

Speaker 13 They would be the bad guys.

Speaker 13 But because it's the fucking U.S.

Speaker 19 government, I'm supposed to smile and say, object to the Red Corps.

Speaker 36 This is the prosecution's case right now.

Speaker 16 If you

Speaker 16 take the steam,

Speaker 16 you can make that point.

Speaker 17 Okay. All right.

Speaker 35 If we ask the defense to handle his client.

Speaker 54 Fighting for all of us.

Speaker 16 You got to object.

Speaker 36 You should be object.

Speaker 19 I did object.

Speaker 31 You banged the gavel,

Speaker 12 that little measly gavel.

Speaker 16 You can't even hear it.

Speaker 57 All right, all right.

Speaker 30 I'm sorry.

Speaker 19 He's on.

Speaker 19 Originally, we had a Hannibal lecter mask for Q, but we had to put it on Get him because he was eating everyone's dinner.

Speaker 12 All right.

Speaker 35 Charge two, Q is untruthful.

Speaker 17 Oh, hire.

Speaker 35 TEST used to pride itself on the fact that everyone was open and honest about what was talked about on the show.

Speaker 35 Over the past year or so, though, Q is really the only one to stop being as honest with the listeners.

Speaker 35 He constantly makes stuff up and attempts to deceive the listeners as part of a quote-unquote joke.

Speaker 35 If the joke is to humor Walton Bry, I hope it's working because, at least, speaking for myself, I generally don't enjoy them. Here are some examples of what I'm talking about.
Wow.

Speaker 17 A.

Speaker 35 Hillary for president.

Speaker 48 You asked for this.

Speaker 35 As we found out by now, and most of us already knew, Q never really wanted Hillary to win. The fact that he put on an act of...

Speaker 34 Voted for Hillary.

Speaker 42 Objection, Your Honor.

Speaker 35 The fact that he put on an act was relatively annoying. Even though we, the listeners, knew it was shallow, we had no idea why he was doing it.

Speaker 17 Number two, the waitress.

Speaker 16 You'll get your chance to win.

Speaker 12 We're going to shoot these down.

Speaker 9 Just think of that opening statement.

Speaker 7 Eloquence. I'm just

Speaker 12 shocking.

Speaker 12 You're already getting world worked up for nothing.

Speaker 16 All right.

Speaker 35 The waitress. Hearing the story about the waitress and how Q mistreated her was disappointing.

Speaker 35 But in the story, anyway, he was a bit tipsy and honestly something I could see Q doing if only he was drunk.

Speaker 35 Finding out afterwards that the whole story was made up and Q was just acting like he did as a joke is just another example of him deceiving the audience.

Speaker 35 This wasn't really a big deal, but again, an instance of Q deceiving the audience for the sake of a quote-unquote joke.

Speaker 12 A lot of quotes in this,

Speaker 25 especially when he's asking the word humor.

Speaker 12 Do lawyers use the quote-unquote a lot?

Speaker 33 Yeah, this is just like court.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 4 A lot of laughter, a lot of the judge sweating his ass off.

Speaker 17 The defendant always just chiming in from his topic.

Speaker 35 And the last part of being untruthful, the get him back and forth.

Speaker 35 Hearing how much he loves Getem and then hearing how he never wants to see him on the show again. There is a constant back and forth with whether he likes Get Him or not.
Just be honest, which is it?

Speaker 35 If you like him, don't lead us on to think you really don't by saying stuff like never.

Speaker 13 Is this a redder?

Speaker 16 Is this the Reddit user?

Speaker 17 Is this your user?

Speaker 13 If you're a Reddit user, get him, Steve D.

Speaker 35 If you don't like him, stop saying you do.

Speaker 4 I find you lead a lot of people on thinking, oh, does he like Giddam? Does he not like Giddam? Like, what am I supposed to think here?

Speaker 17 All right.

Speaker 12 Well, it's trusting him.

Speaker 13 He just asked me a question.

Speaker 48 Just asked me a direct question.

Speaker 38 Overall.

Speaker 17 Well, I mean, here's the thing, man.

Speaker 13 Like, they want me to be honest.

Speaker 13 But then if the taxes bother me, I can't talk about that.

Speaker 9 That's too honest.

Speaker 13 And, like, you know, and and then my feelings about Giddam is complicated. I love the guy, but some weeks I can't fucking stand them.

Speaker 50 You're too real.

Speaker 7 I'm too real. Keep it too real.
I'm too real.

Speaker 18 All right.

Speaker 35 The third charge. Unrelatable.
This one is unfortunate because Q has no real control over it. Sadly, as mentioned on the show, Q has grown his ant wings and flowing out of the nest.

Speaker 35 This one doesn't make people hate Q, but rather separates him from Brian Walt, which can make him less likable than the other two.

Speaker 13 It's an anthill, not a nest.

Speaker 4 I agree. Why don't you give some of your earnings to me and Walt? That way it could be like an egalitarian podcast.

Speaker 13 Do you know how much money I could be making?

Speaker 4 $410,000.

Speaker 17 I already heard.

Speaker 17 Four times what a Snapdrawler normally earns in a household.

Speaker 35 And the last accusation from this witness, whining and moaning about a few cunts on Reddit. Holy Christ, man.
Have some self-respect.

Speaker 35 At this rate, you are going to win puss hole of the week every week for the next decade. You already look like Rosie O'Donnell, and now you are acting like bitch.

Speaker 48 Just get the sex change and be done with it.

Speaker 12 It has to be sex change.

Speaker 35 This is the fucking internet. Have you heard of it?

Speaker 35 It has people that will say bad shit about you, even though they only just learned your name two seconds ago. Guess what?

Speaker 35 You go looking on the internet for things to get angry, depressed, disgusted, horny, you're going to find it.

Speaker 16 It's the internet, bitch.

Speaker 48 It is mostly anonymous cesspit.

Speaker 35 It is the mostly anonymous cesspit of human expression, which should have come to no surprise to anyone who has paid attention to how humanity behaves, even badly. Why do you care?

Speaker 35 Why do you waste our time with this endless moaning about what some fucktards on some irrelevant social media site said? Are you that pathetic? Are you that desperate for confirmation?

Speaker 35 Are you that desperate for a reason to hate yourself? Sack your fucking therapist and hire a good one. They are not working.

Speaker 34 That was good.

Speaker 22 Harsh indictments.

Speaker 17 Wow.

Speaker 37 They're all good. Wow.

Speaker 12 Now

Speaker 12 your co-counsel will read the last of the Reddit

Speaker 16 witnesses.

Speaker 16 in Troy's mouth?

Speaker 38 Oh, okay.

Speaker 28 I thought that was.

Speaker 4 This is going to sound real fucking official, not like him, like Stumbles.

Speaker 13 I don't know if I could stand hearing it from Troy.

Speaker 24 You gotta.

Speaker 12 You gotta face the music, man.

Speaker 20 Yeah, otherwise you're gonna go to jail.

Speaker 17 I mean,

Speaker 12 we could have had this trial in absentia?

Speaker 29 An absentia, yeah.

Speaker 16 Yeah, no, I'm good. I'll be coin.

Speaker 14 I'll be coin. I'm sorry.

Speaker 5 We're 10 minutes late. We almost found you guilty and all went home.

Speaker 33 From a long time listener,

Speaker 33 I have begun to become tired of Q, primarily the arrogant character that I assume he has taken on.

Speaker 33 I have listened to older episodes and really enjoyed his contributions and thought he was a genuine guy and was hilarious when he was in the crosshairs. Recent contributions would have fell flat.

Speaker 33 Recent contributions that would have fell flat, like the Colonel and the taxes bits, only didn't because of the roasting that ensued.

Speaker 22 Where I usually listen to

Speaker 43 the Colonel things, you guys supported me.

Speaker 6 Did we?

Speaker 6 I don't recall that.

Speaker 14 I thought we saved you.

Speaker 17 Jesus.

Speaker 20 We saw you floundering going down with a three count.

Speaker 17 I'm in one.

Speaker 20 Currently wasn't a joke. I don't know why everybody keeps saying it is.

Speaker 33 Where I usually listen to episodes multiple times, I've begun to drop episodes after a single listen if the arrogant braggart Q was present.

Speaker 46 Sorry, Stacey Patella.

Speaker 33 This part's highlighted.

Speaker 33 Interestingly as well, I've begun to enjoy Giddam's presence.

Speaker 25 You fucking highlighted this.

Speaker 33 I have begun to enjoy Giddam's presence much more, probably, due to the contrast. The last episode was far more enjoyable with Q not playing the arrogant character.

Speaker 11 We don't know what episode that was, though.

Speaker 7 Now there's one more.

Speaker 12 Oh, there's two more. Giddam has one more.

Speaker 38 I already lose number three.

Speaker 35 Q has not been on the top of his game lately. My number one complaint is the way Q handles himself during games, especially when he is losing.
Walt clearly puts a ton of work in.

Speaker 35 Walt and others clearly put a ton of work into the TESD games, and it seems like Q rolls in and takes a huge dump on their work.

Speaker 12 This is going to be my hardest thing, too.

Speaker 17 Whenever a ruling goes against Q.

Speaker 39 This is others in quote.

Speaker 35 Whenever a ruling goes against Q, he acts like a pouty puss hole and can ruin the enjoyment of the whole game. He usually bitches about stuff until Walt gives in and Q gets his way.

Speaker 4 I've seen it a million times.

Speaker 35 And the whole Colonel bit and the tax talk, we get it. You pay a ton of taxes too, and it sucks.
But did he have to focus focus on it for months?

Speaker 35 The Colonel and Sculpits just fell flat and weren't funny.

Speaker 43 Neither was meant to be funny.

Speaker 16 Like, I don't understand.

Speaker 63 That's like saying fucking Sophie's choice fell flat because it wasn't funny.

Speaker 39 It wasn't meant to be funny.

Speaker 35 This was by the man who's trying to say he knows what funny is.

Speaker 4 That's the crux of the matter, Q. That's the crux of the trial.

Speaker 9 Do you know funny?

Speaker 37 Okay.

Speaker 6 So, are you agreeing with Reddit Trolls?

Speaker 12 Yeah,

Speaker 12 you're setting us up to say funny.

Speaker 34 No, no, I'm not trying to be funny.

Speaker 26 You want that offered, please?

Speaker 33 Reddit News number five.

Speaker 45 500.

Speaker 33 Q needs to stop complaining every time someone says something weird to Stacy.

Speaker 17 Sign crystal dog.

Speaker 17 She's going to suck my dick, and I'm going to wipe it off with Q's cat.

Speaker 17 Boom.

Speaker 17 She's roasted.

Speaker 33 She's not a delicate snowflake. She already knows knows the flavor of the show.

Speaker 56 Isn't she going to leave that one hanging there?

Speaker 33 It's as if that much of if it's that much of a problem, why have her there?

Speaker 33 But it can't be any worse than his constant leching and slobbering all over her and any other female that they have on the show.

Speaker 29 And we do have a lot of females on the show.

Speaker 33 Q also needs to lay off sucking Walt's penis.

Speaker 17 Never!

Speaker 33 All he does is fawn and agree with everything Walt says.

Speaker 33 Whenever Walt says something dumb, Q is on the verge of orgasm.

Speaker 33 But if Gedim says something funny, he goes into a jealous rage.

Speaker 43 Are you taking no?

Speaker 50 Because I can refute all this.

Speaker 34 We will.

Speaker 19 We will.

Speaker 13 Because this motherfucker said that I bother you until you fucking give me what I want. This guy's saying I'm sucking your knobs.
He's not even presenting a United Front.

Speaker 50 It's not our turn to go yet.

Speaker 16 I'm sorry.

Speaker 33 Also, someone needs to remind Walt that

Speaker 33 TESD is not just his show, it's Brian Q's too. If a person sends something addressed to TESD, it's also for Brian Q, parentheses, unless it's actually stated that it's only for Walt.

Speaker 12 I'm glad that guy made that clarification.

Speaker 12 He's telling us what mail is, I can open, what I can't.

Speaker 19 Right. Good.

Speaker 22 Even though it's addressed to the stash.

Speaker 33 This part's also highlighted. Also, Bryce's constant get and bashing is getting stale.

Speaker 12 Ooh, the judge called into question your character.

Speaker 33 When he is used to pick on Ming, it got very boring very quickly.

Speaker 17 Not to me.

Speaker 17 Not to me either.

Speaker 16 I know, funny. It wasn't.

Speaker 17 Not to me either.

Speaker 33 If anyone is weird on the show, it's Walt. But Brian Q are terrified to criticize Walt, so instead they just pick on Get him.

Speaker 42 Did you write this? No.

Speaker 12 No,

Speaker 12 this really came from a real asshole.

Speaker 55 Quote unquote asshole.

Speaker 17 Quote unquote, a real asshole wrote this.

Speaker 12 Now you have, or now you're already done.

Speaker 35 it's a parade i just have one more uh

Speaker 12 the reddit testimonies are done yes reddit testimonies are done i have just one more piece of evidence to submit well how would you how would you phrase that troy enter into evidence final did he disclose it to you beforehand

Speaker 33 he did no coherency so he just wants to introduce another piece of evidence what would he say how would he present it

Speaker 13 he just wants to introduce another piece you're expecting coherence you're right you're right i apologize to the court what was the what was the lack of coherence what do you mean each each one contradicted each other i'm sucking your dick i'm i'm bullying you until i i don't tell the truth, but then I complain about things in my life and people don't like it.

Speaker 48 No, it was about games, it was about something else.

Speaker 12 Well, I mean, we'll address each one. We'll address each one.

Speaker 20 That's good for your case.

Speaker 22 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 35 All right, I'm going to play for the final piece of my testimony or evidence that I'm going to present.

Speaker 35 The words of the defendant himself.

Speaker 13 Person after person after person is going to be like, You're going to be a celebrity.

Speaker 33 Like, you're big.

Speaker 65 You're going to be so big.

Speaker 17 Confidence doesn't matter. Women.

Speaker 17 Hot ass.

Speaker 17 Yeah, like a

Speaker 17 hot ass.

Speaker 55 Yeah, nice set of tits.

Speaker 13 Yeah, last night was the True TV upfronts, but Maroon 5 played it. They hired Maroon 5 to play.

Speaker 6 Girls can't keep their mouths shut.

Speaker 17 I hate to bring up the other celebrity friend that I have.

Speaker 19 So now Maroon 5 is playing.

Speaker 24 Literally, my chest is touching the stage.

Speaker 13 Adam Levine's ball sacks like two feet from me. But it's just like, not only it's like you make more money, so you're going to pay more money, we're also going to tax you at a higher rate.

Speaker 49 And so, like, it's like they set the game against you.

Speaker 17 If you want to buy a house over a million dollars, in New York State or New York City, there is a three base, it's like 2.89%

Speaker 13 mansion tax. I got to hang out with the Zucker Brothers.

Speaker 55 You know who the Zucker Brothers are, of course?

Speaker 33 Sexual is just like, bro, you want my penis in your mouth?

Speaker 55 Why are you standing on my penis?

Speaker 13 Well, the Lama God guys were great, as always. Like, went backstage, hung out with them, said all the old stuff like that.

Speaker 12 Tell us what it's like to sell out Radio City three nights in a row.

Speaker 13 It's a lot of friends and family asking for tickets.

Speaker 55 Who the fuck are you? So it's like, what the fuck is that for?

Speaker 13 We have free tickets on Friday night.

Speaker 66 Well, that's typical of the Orientals, right?

Speaker 17 Gene loves me.

Speaker 55 So I'll never vote Democratic again. It's over.
I love seeing how much people would like to stand for this.

Speaker 16 Wow.

Speaker 20 Wow.

Speaker 14 Wow.

Speaker 35 If there's any better example of how unrelatable he is, I don't know whether

Speaker 43 a bunch of things taken out of context.

Speaker 4 And even then, as Judge, I got to say he said live was pretty funny.

Speaker 16 Right?

Speaker 47 I heard a lot of laughing at these comments.

Speaker 12 I would like to

Speaker 12 permission to, for a short recess, I didn't realize I could compile a highlight reel. And if I did, I'd like to take this moment to maybe see if I can call up Declan, maybe get a highlight reel.

Speaker 12 I didn't know we were going to be able to do that.

Speaker 16 You're already getting out foxed.

Speaker 6 We'll reconvene in two weeks.

Speaker 12 You just say, deny it, right?

Speaker 4 Yeah, motion denied, yeah.

Speaker 19 Right? Strike that from the record.

Speaker 12 You're on his side.

Speaker 23 It doesn't seem that way.

Speaker 13 I recall some of those quotes in there were me quoting other people. This is really taken out of context.

Speaker 33 Just saying.

Speaker 35 So, on that note, the prosecution is: I'm going to close my case.

Speaker 42 Close your case?

Speaker 17 No, no,

Speaker 17 no. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 16 You're not calling witnesses?

Speaker 12 Wait, that's not the same thing.

Speaker 12 Those are his witnesses, the Reddit and the words of the defendant himself.

Speaker 4 So now Walt will call witnesses and Giddam will have the chance to cross-examine.

Speaker 13 So Giddam calls a bunch of people we conveniently can't cross-examine?

Speaker 12 You asked for this.

Speaker 19 This is what you wanted. Well, we could cross-examine me.

Speaker 16 It's going to happen.

Speaker 49 Say, do you have a Casper mattress, right? Remember that mattress that Casper sent?

Speaker 35 No.

Speaker 42 You don't?

Speaker 17 I don't.

Speaker 49 Okay, well, you know where there's not going to be a Casper mattress? In jail. If BQ Quinn happens to lose this case, it could affect him big time.
He's not going to be luxuriating on Casper's.

Speaker 49 He's going to be sleeping under. So probably he's going to be a prag.

Speaker 49 Somebody's going to take him as a girlfriend and make him sleep under their bed. No more Casper mattresses for Quinn.
He's too pretty to go to jail. So what happens, buddy, is

Speaker 49 what we can maybe do if he does go to podcast jail. We're going to sneak him in a Casper mattress.
We're going to get $50 towards any mattress purchase by going to casper.com/slash slash TESD.

Speaker 49 It's obsessively engineered. Despite what Walt Flanagan says, it's a new invention.

Speaker 49 Time magazine called it one of the

Speaker 49 best new inventions of 2015. Would you like to invent a mattress someday?

Speaker 49 Hmm?

Speaker 49 Wow, you stink today. Big time.

Speaker 59 Enough IT.

Speaker 49 You're just, you don't have any energy? We better get some energy. Isn't today your party?

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 49 Is that what you're saving it all for?

Speaker 49 Because you're lousing up these commercials. I'm a professional.
I might have to drop you as a partner. Anyway, let's get back to the trial.
And afterwards, go to casper.com slash T-E-S-D.

Speaker 12 All right, so it is now the

Speaker 12 defense's case, right? It's my turn to now

Speaker 12 to dismantle

Speaker 12 this fucktards

Speaker 12 prosecution. You're right.

Speaker 16 All right.

Speaker 12 My first witness, I'd like like to call to the stand.

Speaker 33 Hold up. Before you start your case, ask for a mistrial.

Speaker 12 Okay. Under what grounds?

Speaker 33 His entire case was hearsay. The entire case.

Speaker 19 He didn't call one witness.

Speaker 22 Tell him Steve Dave Town.

Speaker 4 Hearsay is loud.

Speaker 13 It's a short episode if we don't allow hearsay.

Speaker 51 Tell Steve Dave Town in the United States.

Speaker 12 No, it's a sovereign nation.

Speaker 16 So I was going to say

Speaker 4 we seceded a while back.

Speaker 33 He has a constitutional right to confront his accuser, which he can't.

Speaker 12 Because we can keep out of the city.

Speaker 48 Jay confronted his accusers on Reddit.

Speaker 35 That's where we discovered his thing. Because he went on Reddit and confronted his accusers.

Speaker 12 We wanted to be the

Speaker 12 CSC Town. We want to be able to approve who comes in and lives there.
Gotcha. It's like we live in America, you can't do that, right? It's a giddy community.

Speaker 67 It's like a co-op.

Speaker 16 Yeah. All right.

Speaker 12 All right. I call to the stand.
I sell comics.

Speaker 6 And going to my age doctor.

Speaker 16 Yes.

Speaker 12 So Mike and Ming you are.

Speaker 12 Wow. You've got to share a seat or share a mic.
We're going to be swearing everybody in on a hard copy of Making Hay.

Speaker 44 yeah very rare rarer than the bible for sure

Speaker 4 they should put one of these in every hotel room

Speaker 41 i sell comics step forward please interlock hands and place them on the bible place your other hand over your hearts do you mike and me solemnly swear as a single soul inhabiting two bodies to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth

Speaker 26 can a felon be a bailiff is that allowed

Speaker 16 Encouraged.

Speaker 36 Not hearsay evidence.

Speaker 20 Okay. Yeah, I do.
I guess.

Speaker 4 Both their hands are on the Making Hay book. You don't have to put your hands over each other's guys.

Speaker 17 There's enough room.

Speaker 12 Just you guys have swear to tell the truth?

Speaker 16 Yes, yes. Okay.

Speaker 38 All right.

Speaker 41 You can be seated.

Speaker 12 Could you guys please state your names individually so everybody knows who's speaking?

Speaker 56 My name is Cliff Chen.

Speaker 17 Going on, Ming.

Speaker 64 Mike Zapzick.

Speaker 12 What do you guys do for a a living, Ming?

Speaker 56 Podcast,

Speaker 56 featured cast member of the AMC TV show Comic Book Men.

Speaker 68 I work at The Secret Stash, and I'm also a cast member of Comic Book Men. Okay.

Speaker 12 Comic Book Men, how would you describe that television show?

Speaker 56 Reality TV show set in Council's comic book store. It's been running for six seasons strong.

Speaker 12 It would be fair to say that it has some comedic elements?

Speaker 56 Absolutely. Yes.

Speaker 12 You both would agree agree to that sure okay depends on who's on screen

Speaker 64 he's talking about you Rob

Speaker 12 and you guys both you guys are both on a podcast correct yes the name of the podcast ISO Comics but you also have it's it's such a successful podcast that you guys have branched off into a sister podcast right spawned multiple podcasts yes such as the Ming and Mike show Ming and Mike Show and they both are would you say

Speaker 12 would fall under what category I know I Sell Comics is unlistenable.

Speaker 14 Is that a category?

Speaker 17 Boom. I object.

Speaker 52 No, you're

Speaker 64 objecting to the honor.

Speaker 54 I would file

Speaker 56 under comedy.

Speaker 12 Both podcasts. Okay, and that's why I've asked you both to appear tonight because

Speaker 12 considering that you guys are both on a show, and how long is Comic Bookman run?

Speaker 54 What season is it in? Six seasons.

Speaker 12 Six seasons. And your podcast, how long have they been running?

Speaker 56 Since 2011. So six years.

Speaker 12 So combined total of over a decade of comedy.

Speaker 4 12 years of comedy times two.

Speaker 7 24 years of comedy between these guys.

Speaker 12 So you guys would be considered.

Speaker 26 We just realized that.

Speaker 12 You guys

Speaker 12 would be considered,

Speaker 12 if not experts, the next best thing to weighing in for some expert testimonial regarding my client is

Speaker 12 if you find him humorous or if he is funny.

Speaker 56 Absolutely. I believe we're experts on the field of comedy yes

Speaker 69 Ming but let's say yes

Speaker 22 how much did you pay for this expert testimony they charge money right like when an expert shows up like they put them up not in tell him Steve Dave Town the defense the defense would pay yeah

Speaker 56 like everything else I showed up for for free

Speaker 12 how long have you known the defendant I've known the defendant for 21 years your honor and I've known him for 15 is it true that the defendant has coined a nickname for you, Mr. Zapzic?

Speaker 68 Yes, a loving nickname for me. He calls me Chief.

Speaker 12 And isn't it also true that even though he has climbed the ladder of success, he still hasn't forgotten that nickname and still will refer to you by it?

Speaker 24 Hell yes. What a memory.

Speaker 23 There you go.

Speaker 28 Let's see where you're going.

Speaker 12 In the time you've known the defendant,

Speaker 12 would you be able to put a number on the times he's made you laugh?

Speaker 15 Innumerable.

Speaker 19 Yes. Incalculable.

Speaker 56 Incalculable.

Speaker 56 Almost infinite.

Speaker 12 And have you ever seen any signs

Speaker 12 of Mr. Quinn ever being unrelatable since his ascension to Superstard?

Speaker 2 Not even a little bit.

Speaker 29 So not even when he talked about the mansion techs?

Speaker 34 No.

Speaker 17 What are you doing?

Speaker 34 Hey, wait.

Speaker 17 Wow, get him. You sound a lot like Brian.

Speaker 12 He's stapling papers over there, so Brian has to step in. What are you doing? Is that more important than what's going on right now, stapling a paper?

Speaker 19 Stapling the paper. What is that noise?

Speaker 20 He's like, I'm eating staples.

Speaker 17 You'll be stapling your stomach.

Speaker 17 Boom!

Speaker 17 I'm ready to roll right now.

Speaker 12 In your own words, can you please describe to the courtroom

Speaker 12 why

Speaker 12 the Reddit comments were not warranted,

Speaker 12 why Mr. Quinn does indeed know funny, and how Mr.
Quinn is still, to this day, relatable.

Speaker 4 Without using the word sexy.

Speaker 56 In my opinion, the Reddit comments are a product of jealousy.

Speaker 56 A lot of people are jealous of what you had, jealous that you've put in a lot of hard work that they are not able to put in themselves and um i i disagree as a as someone who's been slandered by such uh the same for why the fuck aren't you objecting on speculation that

Speaker 16 because this whole case is speculation that's true and let him continue

Speaker 35 to discredit them in a minute so

Speaker 12 you're about to start shredding

Speaker 56 thrown out i personally disagree with many of these comments i think they're just a product of a lot of jealous people i think you've worked hard to where you've gotten to and i i and i still relate to you as a friend.

Speaker 9 Haters with a Z.

Speaker 17 Exactly. Haters with a Z.

Speaker 16 All right, Mike.

Speaker 68 Those people on Reddit,

Speaker 68 both my sons, who are 11 and 13, say that Reddit is a haven for 12-year-old bitches who just go on there.

Speaker 42 Like females?

Speaker 68 No, like, no, like, yeah, bitches with a Z, Brian.

Speaker 29 Dad, I got another list for you.

Speaker 68 They go on there, and they, again,

Speaker 68 I'm

Speaker 68 Reddit loaths me.

Speaker 14 So fuck you?

Speaker 19 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 68 Reddit, Giddam delights in telling me, hey, there's a lot of hate for you on Reddit.

Speaker 57 And it's like, you know what?

Speaker 64 Go fuck yourself, Giddam, and fuck Reddit too.

Speaker 6 So that's my opinion on Reddit.

Speaker 4 I'm afraid of Dave Town, Minister of Information.

Speaker 34 Or of disinformation.

Speaker 68 All right.

Speaker 12 Well, thank you for showing up here tonight. No further questions.

Speaker 14 I just want to add one thing.

Speaker 33 When asked how many times Q has made you laugh over the years, you said how many?

Speaker 19 Incalculable. Incalculable.

Speaker 33 Ming, you said the same. Immeasurable, yes.
Okay, I believe you said immeasurable, you said incalculable. So I want to offer into evidence that even a Chinese man couldn't calculate how funny he is.

Speaker 33 Yes,

Speaker 17 thank you.

Speaker 17 Oriental.

Speaker 17 Oriental.

Speaker 16 Some of his terms, yeah.

Speaker 4 That's strong.

Speaker 22 That's strong stuff.

Speaker 36 Mr. Chen? Yes.

Speaker 35 Is it true you have romantic feelings for the defendant?

Speaker 19 It is not true.

Speaker 56 We are good friends. We've known each other for over 20 years.

Speaker 12 Objection, Your Honor. Mr.
Chen was under the spell of martial man love when he made those passes at my client.

Speaker 25 I counter.

Speaker 35 He said he was not under him.

Speaker 14 And I counter, he's always under the spell of man love.

Speaker 35 Look at the defendant put a hat on.

Speaker 58 Let's put a hat on him right now.

Speaker 12 Let's put a hat on him. Let's see if Mr.
Quinn and Mr. Chen shows any chubbiness.

Speaker 44 Yeah, does he chub up?

Speaker 19 That was on Get a Chat.

Speaker 56 Even if I did chub up, could you tell?

Speaker 54 But no, I do not feel any chubbiness.

Speaker 12 Let the record show that

Speaker 12 if the hat doesn't cause a boner, you must acquit.

Speaker 35 Wow, that rhymes so well.

Speaker 31 We're not talking about rhymes.

Speaker 12 We're talking about the truth.

Speaker 4 I feel like Johnny Cochran worked on his a little longer.

Speaker 16 Mr.

Speaker 35 Chen, how many podcasts would you say you do?

Speaker 56 I write currently three.

Speaker 35 Three, okay. And how many of those podcasts are listed by iTunes as comedy?

Speaker 18 All three of them, sir.

Speaker 35 All right. And how many of those podcasts are considered to be comedy by the listeners?

Speaker 32 All three of them, sir.

Speaker 18 Okay.

Speaker 16 He's getting good.

Speaker 12 Like, I told Giddam not to do this, that you have to work with the man day in and day out. It's not worth it for the few laughs you're doing.

Speaker 52 The very few laughs that he's getting.

Speaker 47 Lastly, Mr.

Speaker 16 Chen, I said no, Giddam.

Speaker 17 I'd like to enter another podcast.

Speaker 50 Don't let him talk about it.

Speaker 68 And

Speaker 68 how many laughs have you gotten on any podcast?

Speaker 16 I don't give a shit.

Speaker 16 You're always on trial, Giddy.

Speaker 35 You got a permission to treat this witness as hostile.

Speaker 68 Permission to to treat the prosecutor as a douchebag.

Speaker 17 I want the truth. Come on.

Speaker 17 Come on. Thank you.

Speaker 16 Yeah, it's getting out of order, brother.

Speaker 34 Order to the court.

Speaker 26 I'm going to have choice where I throw away.

Speaker 35 I'm going to present a little bit of evidence to Mr. Chen.

Speaker 12 Enter evidence. I'm going to

Speaker 35 enter and present. Okay.
All right. You'll please pay attention to the speaker.

Speaker 16 It's going to be the other way around.

Speaker 17 On multiple.

Speaker 28 You're supposed to prove he's not funny.

Speaker 4 Is that not the top 40 dance tune, Ching Chong, by Brian Quinn, featuring the ring and

Speaker 50 objection, Your Honor?

Speaker 12 Objection, Your Honor.

Speaker 12 That song should not be allowed into evidence because my client did not make that song. That was made by a listener.

Speaker 35 This is not about your client. This is about Mr.
Chen.

Speaker 29 Well, it's a question. Get him?

Speaker 36 Yes. Mr.
Chen?

Speaker 35 Yes. Are you a good judge or funny? Or

Speaker 35 do you think that song is funny, or are you a race hater?

Speaker 17 Traitor.

Speaker 16 Race traitor. Race traitor.

Speaker 43 Why don't I make this song?

Speaker 17 I'm talking to Mr. Chen.

Speaker 64 This is the remix,

Speaker 4 which you're totally accountable for.

Speaker 56 I think that tone was done in just, and I actually do think it's very funny.

Speaker 17 You were there that day, weren't you? So you are a race traitor. I'm not a race traitor.

Speaker 17 Wow. Wow.

Speaker 26 That's a bombshell right there.

Speaker 19 That is a devastating blow, man.

Speaker 57 It fell apart at the end there.

Speaker 48 Now, Mr. Zaps,

Speaker 4 how do you say Uncle Tom in Cantonese?

Speaker 35 I noticed your lovely wife isn't on stand nor in the gallery. Has she or has she not been introduced on ISC and Mike and Ming in an effort to salvage what is left and is now considered the funny one?

Speaker 17 Wow.

Speaker 52 Wait a minute.

Speaker 57 Can you speak English on that one?

Speaker 17 Or at least slow down, get him, get him.

Speaker 16 Slow down, get him.

Speaker 4 He wants to know if I'll comics and Michael Ming were doing so poorly that you introduced your wife so that you could raise the bar of humor.

Speaker 12 Now,

Speaker 12 you're saying Giddam wants to know that, but that sure sounds like you want to know that.

Speaker 45 No, I'm just trying to

Speaker 16 suss that vibe

Speaker 17 like I wrote it.

Speaker 17 No.

Speaker 16 Oh,

Speaker 12 that sounded like a real courtroom, right? That exasperation, that no, like

Speaker 12 flustered.

Speaker 58 All right, flummoxed.

Speaker 17 Overruled.

Speaker 17 I digress.

Speaker 35 I digress. So now you were on Comic Book Men? Yes.
That's considered a comedy show. Yes.
And you've been on at least a few of the seasons that the others have been on.

Speaker 44 Yes.

Speaker 35 So that should make you a good judge of what is funny, correct? Yes. All right, so tell me, and please remember you're under oath.
Are you considered the funniest one on the show?

Speaker 8 No.

Speaker 35 The second funniest?

Speaker 19 No.

Speaker 35 Third funniest? No. Fourth funniest?

Speaker 52 Does that include Rob Bruce?

Speaker 17 Then yes.

Speaker 14 Fourth funniest.

Speaker 68 Actually, no. No.

Speaker 64 Fifth funniest.

Speaker 35 So, out of four people on a show, you're not even one of the top funny people.

Speaker 28 How about five?

Speaker 44 So how can you testify?

Speaker 63 How about five?

Speaker 68 How about you do the math correctly?

Speaker 43 So then how can you testify?

Speaker 68 Kevin Smith, he's also a member of the cast.

Speaker 4 He's talking about main cast members.

Speaker 35 So how can you testify what is funny?

Speaker 68 I work with you every day, Giddem, and everything you say, not funny. So, when Brian Q comes in, then I know what funny is.

Speaker 4 So, you're using Giddem as the bar. Whatever he says, the opposite, you know, is funny.

Speaker 11 Exactly.

Speaker 6 Oh, we turned that around on you.

Speaker 35 It shows that I'm a pretty good barometer. What's funny then?

Speaker 68 In the opposite direction. Yes, absolutely.
You're a great barometer.

Speaker 13 Barometer of what's not funny. And also, you're not on the trial, so why is that even relevant to the person? I'm trying to.

Speaker 17 I'm trying to appease the credibility of the witnesses here, or witness.

Speaker 4 You don't have to explain yourself to the defendant.

Speaker 35 Try to explain myself to the audience.

Speaker 12 Do you have any more questions, Relevant? No, I'm done with this.

Speaker 69 Your Honor, can I sidebar

Speaker 68 just one thing? I know this is a little unorthodox, but let me just ask one question of the prosecution.

Speaker 64 It's up to you. Overrules.

Speaker 28 Excellent.

Speaker 55 Go ahead. I'll sustain.

Speaker 68 This gentleman sitting to my left, Brian Q. Quinn, did he not volunteer a bunch of stuff for you to get your teeth fixed?

Speaker 35 We'll address that later on.

Speaker 68 No, I'm asking you right now.

Speaker 36 This will be addressed later.

Speaker 68 I'm asking you right now. This will be addressed.
Did he or did he not just give you, out of the kindness of his heart, a bunch of stuff?

Speaker 17 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 55 What does this have to do with that ethic?

Speaker 16 All right, all right. How does that prove he's funny?

Speaker 25 The witnesses are shut up, counselor.

Speaker 4 The witnesses are excused. Thank you.
Thank you. Mike, go do your PBR podcast, you liar.

Speaker 16 Thanks, guys. Thank you.
Thank you.

Speaker 12 I called my next witness to the stand. Microphone.

Speaker 12 Mr. Simmy.

Speaker 4 Mr. Simmy.

Speaker 44 All right, yeah, round of applause.

Speaker 17 That normally happens in court trade.

Speaker 14 All right, Sim, we got this, baby.

Speaker 19 He's in the hot seat.

Speaker 50 Go on, you!

Speaker 12 Good evening, Mr. Simmy.
Can you please state

Speaker 12 your occupation?

Speaker 12 Sure.

Speaker 62 I'm an executive producer in the original programming and development department at True TV.

Speaker 12 And one of the shows under your guidance would be?

Speaker 62 Impractical Jokers.

Speaker 12 And on that show,

Speaker 12 Mr. Brian Quinn is a cast member?

Speaker 19 Yes.

Speaker 20 That title sounds so good.

Speaker 42 Just letting the witness.

Speaker 32 What? Astablishing prevention.

Speaker 29 I'm still reeling from the impressiveness of that title.

Speaker 18 It sounds so much better than unemployed.

Speaker 18 I've had that too.

Speaker 12 Now, for full disclosure, you have appeared on Tell Him Steve Dave Dave previously correct?

Speaker 62 Yes one time.

Speaker 12 And on that episode were you presented with some television pitch ideas?

Speaker 67 Yes I was.

Speaker 12 Can you tell the courtroom one of those ideas?

Speaker 62 Yes. It was called Funerals with a Z.

Speaker 12 Can you tell the courtroom your reaction upon hearing that pitch?

Speaker 62 Yes, I thought it was terrible.

Speaker 12 You kind of dismissed it and were condescending. That would be fair to say?

Speaker 19 Yes.

Speaker 32 This is something totally much.

Speaker 12 No objection, Your Honor. Isn't it also true that that pitch funerals, which can you explain the pitch again to the listeners?

Speaker 62 Sure, unrelated. You're the defense attorney, right?

Speaker 16 Yeah, I was just going to unlock this testimony.

Speaker 12 Honor, can the witnesses come together?

Speaker 26 I don't want to answer Twitch as hostile, Mr.

Speaker 4 Simmons.

Speaker 62 That's fine.

Speaker 12 Can you describe briefly what the pitch was, what it consisted of?

Speaker 62 Sure.

Speaker 62 I believe it was you go around and um pretend that celebrities had died um and then billy eichner approaches people no no no i'm sorry

Speaker 12 as i recall in the pitch billy eichner was not involved oh that's right no i would like to clear up once and for all that was a joke by the way

Speaker 62 that a few people told well a few people on twitter got a little upset because billy eichner had a very similar idea on his show but that was not that there was no connection between me appearing on the show and hearing that fantastic pitch of funerals and then Billy doing a similar idea later on his show.

Speaker 6 Although, you know what?

Speaker 7 I didn't swear him in with the Tell him Steve Dave books.

Speaker 62 You certainly did not.

Speaker 16 Yeah, you could be lying right now.

Speaker 19 We'll just have to hope.

Speaker 62 But there was no connection.

Speaker 19 No connection.

Speaker 12 I would have to, if I was to be honest, agree that there probably was no connection to

Speaker 12 that very strange, bizarre coincidence.

Speaker 12 But let's go back to your reaction to funerals.

Speaker 18 Sure.

Speaker 67 I'm glad that you're keeping your funeral.

Speaker 12 Dripping with sarcasm and dismissive to the person you pitched it to, which, for full disclosure, would be me.

Speaker 12 Would you agree that

Speaker 12 your reaction was one of

Speaker 12 was a negative reaction, correct?

Speaker 62 Yes, but in my defense, I know funny.

Speaker 26 So you're saying

Speaker 12 a show on your network would be the one,

Speaker 12 would be, you would be saying wasn't a funny funny bit then, right?

Speaker 10 Well, whoever the executive of that show is.

Speaker 12 The Billy Eichner show, which did that same exact segment.

Speaker 62 As a segment, not a full show. I think as a full series, it was a terrible idea.

Speaker 62 But as one bit that could be executed by Billy Eichner, and it was a little different, but with his spin on it, it was made funnier.

Speaker 12 No further questions, Jerome.

Speaker 16 We're not fucking a successful person, too.

Speaker 12 No further questions.

Speaker 28 Built on my fucking.

Speaker 30 Q, good luck in prison, buddy.

Speaker 12 You're your witness, counselor.

Speaker 17 You're going to send me that paper.

Speaker 17 That's no counselor.

Speaker 63 I just got to ask one question.

Speaker 33 What's the highest-rated program on True TV?

Speaker 62 Impractical Jokers.

Speaker 33 Okay, is the defendant cast member on Impractical Jokers?

Speaker 67 Yes, he is.

Speaker 33 No further questions.

Speaker 62 The same thing happened at his racism trial, I remember.

Speaker 28 Your Honor.

Speaker 12 If he had come with a little bit of humility and said to me,

Speaker 12 I apologize.

Speaker 12 Yeah, but he still maintained

Speaker 12 that fucking arrogant tone of, like, it was terrible.

Speaker 16 No, no, I'm not good.

Speaker 22 I like his steadfast demeanor.

Speaker 16 I do like it, man.

Speaker 4 He forms an opinion and he sticks to him.

Speaker 12 He shad on funerals, bro.

Speaker 17 Your Honor.

Speaker 19 Did the court spinographer get that down?

Speaker 35 Your Honor at this summit out like a witness to be sworn in.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 29 Okay, Maxwell, do your thing. Simmy's hand is on the Bible.

Speaker 7 It should be the Torah, though, right?

Speaker 18 I mean, you give a fuck about the Bible. Yeah.

Speaker 12 Well, they don't do that, right? They would do even the Bible if you were in a real court, right?

Speaker 62 The Torah is a Bible.

Speaker 65 We could just move on.

Speaker 28 But they wouldn't switch Bibles out, would they?

Speaker 62 I think they probably would.

Speaker 12 I've never been. Only upon your request, right?

Speaker 62 I possibly have never been in a court.

Speaker 12 You're very combative.

Speaker 30 Mr.

Speaker 41 Simmy, step forward, please. Matter of fact, I'll come to you.
Right quick before you testify, I just want to say big fan of your work. The only thing you're missing is a guy like me.

Speaker 41 You put a guy like me on True TV, ratings go through the roof. Anyway, Anyway, you swear to tell the truth and all that other shit?

Speaker 30 Cool.

Speaker 41 Call me, DM me, whatever.

Speaker 30 You can be seated.

Speaker 35 Good evening, Mr. Simmy.

Speaker 17 Hello.

Speaker 35 Can you give me your first impression and basic history with the defendant?

Speaker 20 He's a nursery school teacher, Mr.

Speaker 16 Simmi. Look at the fingerpaints.

Speaker 19 I know.

Speaker 62 I have a children's show on PBS.

Speaker 62 I'm sorry, what did you say about my impressions?

Speaker 35 Can you give me your first impression and your basic history with the defendant, Mr. Q?

Speaker 62 Sure.

Speaker 62 I've known Q for a little over three years, and

Speaker 62 I've worked with him on Impractical Jokers. We've become friends, and he's a good guy.

Speaker 35 So you would say you know him pretty well.

Speaker 20 Yeah, I think so.

Speaker 35 So in your opinion, is he the funniest joker?

Speaker 45 You're under oath.

Speaker 62 I am under oath.

Speaker 62 You know, it's like choosing between my children. And I have a son named Sal.

Speaker 16 And I'm kidding.

Speaker 34 No,

Speaker 62 I would say it is a four-way tie. I really do believe that.

Speaker 18 Oh, come on, Sammy. You're under oath.

Speaker 37 I'm telling you.

Speaker 62 I'm telling you. That's the magic of the show.
I'm not going to I'm telling it straight.

Speaker 12 Hey, I was honest about funerals.

Speaker 62 I was honest about your pitch. I'm not honest.

Speaker 16 That's true.

Speaker 35 Your Honor, can I have permission to approach the defendant?

Speaker 67 Oh, boy.

Speaker 34 Oh.

Speaker 4 This could be the bombshell. Yes, go on.

Speaker 16 All right.

Speaker 13 Why am I getting approached?

Speaker 35 All right, Mr. Q,

Speaker 35 could you please say, hey, mustache, what's up? While facing the defendants?

Speaker 43 Do I have to do this?

Speaker 14 Get him here.

Speaker 36 Yes. Say, hey, mustache, what's up?

Speaker 13 Hey, mustache, what's up?

Speaker 35 All right, you heard him say that, that, Mr. Simmy? I did.
All right. Now, could the defendant please say that again?

Speaker 43 Can you export?

Speaker 17 Oh, I'm going to pass up.

Speaker 16 Look at Simmy. This carrier is

Speaker 50 gay red.

Speaker 62 I'll tell you, I didn't see this one coming.

Speaker 12 Do we have to tell people what's happening?

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 38 Okay. We will.

Speaker 12 We'll explain to the listeners what has happened.

Speaker 35 Can you say that again, please, Mr. Defendant?

Speaker 13 Hey, mustache, what's up?

Speaker 62 Yeah, suddenly it's not working as well.

Speaker 17 I don't know.

Speaker 35 All right, Mr. Simmy.
Now, for those who didn't see, I held up a map of Staten Island behind the defendant. I'm going to return to my odium.

Speaker 19 He's a good lawyer, man.

Speaker 35 So, as you said, Mr. Simmy, which of those takes struck you as more or less funny than the others?

Speaker 62 I thought it was funnier without the map. It made more sense.

Speaker 27 Oh, this guy is honest to a full.

Speaker 35 And now it's been said before, you did endure a verbal barrage from Mr. Quinn, who thought the map being placed behind him would be the height of hilarity.

Speaker 39 No, I didn't say hilarity.

Speaker 20 That's not funny.

Speaker 12 Objection. My client never said funny.

Speaker 16 But he can't make up facts and then ask him an answer for them.

Speaker 35 You thought the map being behind you was the height of hilarity.

Speaker 13 No, I wanted the map behind me. I never said it was funny.

Speaker 35 Yes, you did. You made the bombastic statement of I know funny during the same conversation.

Speaker 13 But that doesn't mean that applies to every single fucking conversation I've had about Simeon in my life.

Speaker 35 But that is the basis that you know what funny is. You made the statement that you know what funny is.

Speaker 16 Those were two of the funny things.

Speaker 28 I stand by that, but I've never seen it.

Speaker 12 He's warming up.

Speaker 35 One of those examples is having the map of Simon.

Speaker 58 Go get him behind me.

Speaker 16 That's what funny was.

Speaker 17 Fuck you.

Speaker 17 Rather than having the sky.

Speaker 36 I put a map of Statenomy behind me because I know what funny is. No,

Speaker 28 you're connecting two unrelated statements.

Speaker 30 These are alternative facts.

Speaker 13 You're presenting yourself

Speaker 13 as a straight-up fibber.

Speaker 23 A fibber?

Speaker 17 You're creating two unrelated facts.

Speaker 35 This is the test where you've given on TESD before.

Speaker 13 No, no, no. I never said that the map behind me was funny.
I said I wanted the map of Staten Island there.

Speaker 35 And why did you want the map behind you then?

Speaker 13 Because I like to rep Staten Island.

Speaker 35 Not because you thought it was funny.

Speaker 13 Because I like to rep my hometown because I'm a fucking relatable common man who doesn't forget my roots.

Speaker 33 Staten Island where I came from.

Speaker 20 Move on, Gim.

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 17 Who Sony won?

Speaker 12 I told you, man, he fucked up, he fucked us on funerals.

Speaker 19 No, I'm never going to be past it.

Speaker 17 I know what is.

Speaker 17 Who's in the map?

Speaker 38 It was my idea of this went to say.

Speaker 17 You're right there.

Speaker 20 That wasn't his fucking idea.

Speaker 52 All right. I realize this.

Speaker 63 Doesn't want to rep my hometown?

Speaker 4 This is unorthodox, but I have a pitch for you, Sammy.

Speaker 45 And it involves the

Speaker 45 Jokers.

Speaker 14 The Jokers, yes.

Speaker 9 That was a little subliminal to get you.

Speaker 4 So it involves the Jokers, guys, right? They go into a bar with a hidden camera and they try to pick up girls.

Speaker 4 And if they get a girl, like real fast, like to get them their number, like get their number and get them out to the car, the Joker suddenly starts shaming them.

Speaker 10 And we call it sluts with a Z.

Speaker 26 And whoever can make the girl cry is the winner.

Speaker 17 Green line.

Speaker 31 Am I still under oath?

Speaker 46 All right, it could be excuse. I'll give you some time to think about it.

Speaker 12 Well, does he do?

Speaker 12 No further questions for Simmy.

Speaker 62 So, Counsel, you had no actual questions about Q.

Speaker 67 This is all just about funerals.

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 16 It was. You're going to go to a trial.

Speaker 12 If you had come in, we met each other earlier. You didn't even say anything about it.
You didn't even say, hey, I was weird about that mix-up about funerals.

Speaker 12 You just were like, I was going to sweep it under the rug and never even bring it up again.

Speaker 45 Yeah, or ten times.

Speaker 16 Or derail my whole goddamn face about it.

Speaker 12 I don't feel that this, what happened here with Mr. Simmy, is going to affect the outcome of the trial anyway.

Speaker 51 Okay. Hold on.
So,

Speaker 12 Troy, if you have some questions.

Speaker 67 Simmy, where do you live?

Speaker 62 In Englewood, New Jersey.

Speaker 20 He means an exact street address.

Speaker 51 How far is that from here?

Speaker 62 It's about an hour and 15 minutes.

Speaker 33 So the defense had you travel an hour and 15 minutes

Speaker 33 to not address the actual matter at hand, but just to berate you again for not liking his idea of funerals.

Speaker 17 Yeah, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 16 And then just dismissing funerals.

Speaker 63 And then I prepped myself for this one.

Speaker 33 And then just admitted that no matter what you said, it had no outcome on the case anyway.

Speaker 16 So you were called here just to be chastised.

Speaker 62 Yeah, you're pretty much saying everything that just went through my head.

Speaker 22 I thought Giddam had some good defense quotes.

Speaker 50 I shut him down. He lied completely.

Speaker 16 No,

Speaker 16 that map one was good.

Speaker 28 That map one was a good shot.

Speaker 16 I'll give him that. But Key's right.

Speaker 62 Map was never about comedy. It was all about being.

Speaker 17 But he did all the credit.

Speaker 17 Dude.

Speaker 58 I love that he's talking about that.

Speaker 28 That's what I was saying.

Speaker 58 He's a wild card. I can't.

Speaker 12 I don't know what he'd say if I really asked you.

Speaker 39 I have a line of.

Speaker 33 No, it did pay off for you because what he thought was the smoking gun with the map backfired because, like you said, it was two independent thoughts.

Speaker 25 Don't forget where I am.

Speaker 33 I know funny and what the graphic would be behind you were two independent thoughts. And you made yourself relatable by saying you want to represent your hometown.

Speaker 21 Exactly.

Speaker 20 There you go. So it backfired on him.
Yeah,

Speaker 34 backfired on me. What? Backfired on you.
Backfired on him. Okay.

Speaker 29 I'll take that. You didn't even bring anything up that was relevant, so it couldn't back firefight on you.

Speaker 12 Do you have any, Troy, as my co-counsel, if you have anything that you find that's so pressing?

Speaker 33 No, the only thing I could offer is an apology for wasting your time.

Speaker 50 Oh, where's my apology?

Speaker 19 Hey, where's my apology?

Speaker 58 Where's mine? Where's mine?

Speaker 12 And he basically was like, that's stupid, it sucks.

Speaker 23 That's so, it's horrible.

Speaker 12 And then a couple weeks later on this network that he worked for, this.

Speaker 16 I'm here with Seth Rogen.

Speaker 12 And then there's no like, like, oh, nothing, like, hey, that's a weird coincidence.

Speaker 24 What you ought to do is.

Speaker 12 I guess you do have some good idea once in a while.

Speaker 33 The next trial by fire, Rance, should be, if Simeon was funny, for rejecting funerals.

Speaker 66 For that, Simmon?

Speaker 62 And maybe during that trial, you could ask me a bunch of questions about Keo.

Speaker 12 Would you be willing to come back down again in the future and go on trial?

Speaker 12 By dot, dot, dot, firing? Always willing to come down here.

Speaker 11 Well, he was subpoenaed tonight. He had no choice.

Speaker 12 Well, I know you got to get out of here. That's why I really wasn't.

Speaker 42 Oh, you're so full of shit.

Speaker 12 I really wanted wanted to get you out of here.

Speaker 24 I wouldn't be that rude.

Speaker 38 No, no, no.

Speaker 54 I appreciate it.

Speaker 19 Oh, my God.

Speaker 8 Now that the fucking defense is pussy-footing around, come on, man.

Speaker 12 Stick to your guns like Simmy does.

Speaker 26 He's like, you suck.

Speaker 62 I think funerals is a funny idea in a.

Speaker 12 Don't even talk about it.

Speaker 17 That's it.

Speaker 16 Sure. Thank you.

Speaker 19 You're just going to kick it on.

Speaker 17 All right.

Speaker 16 The witness is excused.

Speaker 31 Thank you. It's coming in.
Of course.

Speaker 12 You know what? I'll give you an opportunity.

Speaker 12 Can you, in your own words, briefly explain to the jury why BQ is still relatable, why he is funny, and why the comments that you probably aren't even aware of.

Speaker 16 You heard them, yeah.

Speaker 12 Why they aren't warranted.

Speaker 9 And why he won't give me Billy Eichner's phone number.

Speaker 62 I think the video evidence speaks for itself. I think he was a funny guy.
He got over 130 episodes of Impractical Jokers. I mean, it's a good show.

Speaker 16 So are the editors funny?

Speaker 35 Yes. Defense did not request to be able to recall this witness.

Speaker 12 I will say,

Speaker 62 I think Q is very relatable. I think that's why people are drawn to him.

Speaker 62 And I think that

Speaker 62 when you have enough fans, you're always going to have some people out there who take issue with certain things. But I think by and large, he's definitely relatable.

Speaker 62 And, you know, he's going to talk about his life. Part of his life is meeting famous people.

Speaker 16 Mansion taxes.

Speaker 28 Yeah, exactly. Part of his life life is

Speaker 16 at times unlikable.

Speaker 67 Maybe the mansion tax isn't something that.

Speaker 28 The mansion tax wasn't about me. It was about a hundred years ago.

Speaker 20 It was about your money.

Speaker 13 The conversation wasn't even about me.

Speaker 62 But I think he's a relatable

Speaker 28 context.

Speaker 25 Okay. Coming soon from Telum C Dave, right?

Speaker 24 Purchase us on Bandcamp.

Speaker 12 No further questions.

Speaker 12 I'm allowed to go back at him again, right?

Speaker 35 No, you actually got the best person to recall the witness.

Speaker 20 No.

Speaker 19 I was going to recall the witness.

Speaker 14 It was the witness that I want to stand. There's direct, cross-redirect.
Okay.

Speaker 13 Tim, I want to thank you for proving that I continue to rep my hometown, that many other people disparage.

Speaker 7 Who the fuck could forget?

Speaker 46 You talk about it every episode.

Speaker 25 It's because I fucking rep my hometown.

Speaker 37 All right.

Speaker 12 Thank you. Thank you for coming out.

Speaker 7 Mr. Simmy, I mean, come on.

Speaker 19 Powerful, powerful.

Speaker 2 The Staten Island map made no sense in the show open.

Speaker 49 Did you see Brian Quinn up there on the stand? He looks tired, doesn't doesn't he? He looks worn out. Looks like he needs energy, just like you, since you have no energy.

Speaker 49 You know where a great place to get energy is?

Speaker 17 What?

Speaker 49 Naturebox.com/slash T-E-S-D.

Speaker 49 They make snacks that are great and better for you, high-quality ingredients.

Speaker 49 They made their service even better. Now you can order as much as you want, as often as you want, no minimum purchase, and you can cancel any time.

Speaker 49 And right now, you'll save even more. NatureBox is offering, tell them, Steve, Dave Audience, 50% off their first order when they go to naturebox.com/slash TSD.

Speaker 49 That's naturebox.com/slash TSD for 50% off your first order.

Speaker 13 And whoever gave me the mug for Simmy in the UK, I just gave it to him.

Speaker 39 He's holding it right now.

Speaker 13 He's taking it home with him.

Speaker 24 Yes, it's amazing. Thank you.

Speaker 13 Yeah, somebody made a mug with the opening credits with me in it with the map of Staten Island behind it. Excellent humor in the age.
Nice. And I only say that because I know funny.

Speaker 17 All right.

Speaker 28 That's it. Good enough.

Speaker 31 Good enough for me.

Speaker 12 I'd like to call it a stay in the next next witness.

Speaker 4 Sluts coming to True TV 2017.

Speaker 60 With a Z, of course.

Speaker 12 Mr. Sunday Jeff.

Speaker 57 Oh, boy.

Speaker 42 Wolf.

Speaker 13 Now, this is a witness I feel confident about. This is a guy who is squarely in my corner.

Speaker 19 And here I am in your corner.

Speaker 13 Nothing but good vibes between me and Sunday Jeff.

Speaker 11 Another Jew guy.

Speaker 4 I'm glad we have this non-denominational book.

Speaker 53 Jew guy?

Speaker 17 Jew guy? Yeah.

Speaker 6 Jew guy.

Speaker 29 All right, Maxwell, do your thing. He's got his hand on the Bible.

Speaker 41 Sunday, Jeff, step forward, please.

Speaker 41 Out of respect for the witness, I've replaced the Bible with a gently used Blu-ray copy of Quentin Tarantino's 2009 smash hit, Inglorious Bastards.

Speaker 41 Sunday, Jeff, do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Speaker 12 I do.

Speaker 41 You can be seated, sir.

Speaker 12 All right. Can you please state your name?

Speaker 19 Hey Jeff.

Speaker 12 And what do you do for a living, Mr.

Speaker 70 Jeff? I work on the stash on Sundays.

Speaker 12 Do you watch Impractical Jokers?

Speaker 18 I do not.

Speaker 19 Okay, you never

Speaker 12 seen it?

Speaker 70 I've seen some episodes.

Speaker 37 Okay.

Speaker 12 All right, how about Tell him Steve Dave? You listen to Tell him Steve Dave? Yes.

Speaker 4 Not when you're on the episode.

Speaker 31 But as we're doing it.

Speaker 12 Not when we're doing it. But do you listen to episodes like when they drop?

Speaker 70 Sometimes, not all the times.

Speaker 67 But I do. I listen to some episodes.

Speaker 19 You're under oath? You're under oath.

Speaker 37 I am.

Speaker 18 Okay.

Speaker 12 What's the last episode you listened to?

Speaker 26 Did you guys go to a flea market?

Speaker 19 I don't recall.

Speaker 37 You don't recall? I don't recall.

Speaker 34 Oh, that's a good one.

Speaker 12 That was a good answer. What was your favorite bit on Tell him, Steve Dave?

Speaker 21 Let's see, probably

Speaker 12 the roast. Okay, and that was all about BQ, right?

Speaker 39 Yes. All right.

Speaker 62 In your own words.

Speaker 9 I love that, like he's going to put it in someone else's words.

Speaker 12 Could you please explain to the courtroom why you believe the comments on Reddit were unwarranted, why BQ knows funny, and why he is still relatable?

Speaker 6 If you believe any of that.

Speaker 10 You don't know. You're asking leading questions.
What do you mean?

Speaker 14 You're saying

Speaker 10 tell you why these things, but maybe he doesn't.

Speaker 46 It's supposed to be if, right?

Speaker 53 All right. Change that.
Rephrase.

Speaker 12 Rephrase to use inserting the word if.

Speaker 14 Yeah, who's illegal now, cocksuckers?

Speaker 24 Relatable. You saw me hug that little girl here, right?

Speaker 16 No, not only that. I mean, it's just

Speaker 17 amended.

Speaker 17 She was measuring the way she screwed up.

Speaker 16 She was screaming the whole time.

Speaker 66 Prior to this, he was a fireman.

Speaker 70 A fireman saves lives.

Speaker 13 I thought the first time this was mentioned.

Speaker 70 He put his life in front of other people

Speaker 67 to save.

Speaker 12 But he left that job too for the quick buck.

Speaker 34 He did.

Speaker 19 But it wasn't all

Speaker 20 for the glitz and glamour. But you know what?

Speaker 19 Quick buck.

Speaker 17 He also,

Speaker 70 I'm sure he remembers his brothers and he probably helps out his brother, his fellow fireman.

Speaker 12 Probably. He does.
He just did a

Speaker 16 benefit pop for a little kid with no ears.

Speaker 46 And I don't even know about that.

Speaker 53 No ears. I mean, it's in ears.

Speaker 16 I'm sorry. He said area plants.

Speaker 70 Also, he I believe he saved a couple of cats on the highway, I believe.

Speaker 16 You believe.

Speaker 19 Well, no, he's got the key. He does have the keys.
Speculation.

Speaker 67 He does have the cats.

Speaker 37 He still owns that. All right.

Speaker 12 Yeah, what is that? Now, do any of those things make him funny? Which one are you going to do?

Speaker 20 Well, that makes them relatable to a show that is like a humanarian.

Speaker 18 Or humanitarian.

Speaker 16 Humanitarian.

Speaker 18 Whatever. That's it.
I'm going to hook up.

Speaker 70 As far as funny, listen, every podcast that I've been on with Q has been usually a pretty good podcast.

Speaker 6 But also, Walt and I are on those podcasts.

Speaker 14 True, it's hard to tell. True.

Speaker 35 Objection, Your Honor. According to most statements, Sunday Jeff is the funniest one whenever he is on a pod.

Speaker 46 Sunday Jeff said that?

Speaker 35 No, it's been said by fans and listeners that Sunday Jeff is the funniest one.

Speaker 13 It doesn't mean that other people aren't funny as well.

Speaker 43 Maybe it's because of the supporting cast.

Speaker 14 It's the little people that help Sunday cast.

Speaker 12 All right, so

Speaker 12 you're here tonight to tell the jury that every time you've been on a podcast with BQ,

Speaker 12 he has never failed to not make you laugh.

Speaker 65 That would be correct.

Speaker 9 Wait, that's a double negative.

Speaker 20 He's going to say never failed to not.

Speaker 12 He has never failed to make you laugh.

Speaker 16 Correct.

Speaker 9 Okay. So shall I strike that first answer?

Speaker 12 Strike it.

Speaker 12 Keep it. It doesn't matter.
We'll win in this one.

Speaker 12 Is that it? You're done?

Speaker 63 You're the one asking the question.

Speaker 12 I mean, you still,

Speaker 12 have you addressed everything I asked? asked?

Speaker 70 Well, I mean, I haven't known Q as long as you guys have. I've probably known probably about six years, and obviously that you see him on a regular basis.

Speaker 70 But like I said, the times that I've known him, also the times that we've done some of the live shows, you know,

Speaker 70 before they've called my name up there, I hear quite a bit of laughs when Q's talking.

Speaker 60 So, and usually people laugh when something is said that's funny.

Speaker 20 All right. All right.
Here, here, here.

Speaker 12 No further questions.

Speaker 12 You're a witness, counselor.

Speaker 36 So,

Speaker 35 Mr. Sunday, Mr.
Jeff, I would prefer to be older.

Speaker 17 Mr. Sunday.
Yes.

Speaker 25 Mr. Sunday.
Like ice cream. Remember?

Speaker 35 So you stated under oath that you think Mr. Q is funny?

Speaker 70 I didn't say I think.

Speaker 24 I said he is funny.

Speaker 35 Oh, he is funny. And you enjoy funny things?

Speaker 24 I work with you.

Speaker 18 The second time we've heard the tonic. Boom.

Speaker 35 Please answer the question.

Speaker 70 But the state doesn't pay me to work here.

Speaker 20 Please answer the question.

Speaker 17 Boom. Woo!

Speaker 35 Yeah!

Speaker 35 Please answer the question, Mr.

Speaker 54 Sunday.

Speaker 35 Do you enjoy funny things? Yes. So if you think Mr.
Q is so funny, why don't you watch him practical Jokers?

Speaker 70 Because I believe it's on at certain times of the night. That's a little bit past when I need to wake up.

Speaker 35 Uh-huh.

Speaker 35 And all those times you remark about your wonderful phone and your DVR and everything, you can't take the time to hit record and watch it later like you would a football game, which I know for a fact you do record and watch.

Speaker 18 I know Q.

Speaker 70 I don't have to watch a show to know he's funny.

Speaker 35 You said you enjoyed funny things, so why not watch the show?

Speaker 12 I expected more hostility from Simmy than Sunday Jeff.

Speaker 20 Simmy's a cool cucumber, man.

Speaker 28 You can't shake Simmy.

Speaker 16 I didn't get my map.

Speaker 25 You can't rattle that, guys.

Speaker 70 Repeat your question, sir.

Speaker 35 I said, you say you enjoy funny things, and you stated that you think under oath that Mr. Q is funny, but you refuse to watch Impractical Jokers.

Speaker 70 I didn't say I refuse. I says, I just don't watch the show that much.

Speaker 35 And then I asked you why, and you said, oh, I'm not awake at the time when you could record it.

Speaker 70 My time is limited. Do we got a pen?

Speaker 13 Do I got a pen? I want to write notes to my my guy

Speaker 70 my schedule may not allow me to watch as much tv as some other people what's that supposed to mean

Speaker 56 don't sit there with that look on your face don't you have any more questions for him what can he say

Speaker 39 look at him

Speaker 12 mr sundae have you seen every abana costello film no boom two of the funniest guys ever made and he's a fucking scene so you're arguing that all their films are funny.

Speaker 19 Yeah, I am all of them at least part of them

Speaker 30 part of them.

Speaker 35 Sure. So then it doesn't matter that he didn't catch anything.
If he didn't catch all of them, he caught the ones that are funny by your own admission.

Speaker 22 What are you talking about?

Speaker 35 You don't he said that he said that part of them are funny.

Speaker 70 I've seen some of them.

Speaker 24 He asked me if I've seen all of them.

Speaker 35 And he admitted that part all of them aren't funny.

Speaker 13 Every part of the movie is funny. They have a romantic subplots.
Boom.

Speaker 25 And your fucking face asshole.

Speaker 33 Have you watched every funny thing ever made?

Speaker 16 No. Okay.

Speaker 29 Have you seen any funny women in prison movies lately?

Speaker 16 No.

Speaker 37 Okay.

Speaker 12 All right. No further questions.
That was a point we had to make. For Mr.
Jeff.

Speaker 53 Thank you, Mr. Jeff.
Thank you, not a problem.

Speaker 18 Got this one.

Speaker 13 Feeling good about my odds here.

Speaker 12 All right. My next witness, I'm calling to the stand, Chris Ladondo.

Speaker 48 How you doing, buddy?

Speaker 18 Pretty good. Pretty good.

Speaker 29 All right, enough fraternizing with the witness.

Speaker 41 Chris Ledondo, step forward, please. Place your hand on the Bible.
Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth and stick around even if some spooky shit breaks out?

Speaker 41 You can ninja kick a meth-pueled homeless man on a subway, but you can't go Roadhouse on Casper. Don't make no damn sense, boy.

Speaker 18 I do.

Speaker 69 Be seated.

Speaker 12 Can you please state for the court your name?

Speaker 54 Your full name?

Speaker 27 Thank you.

Speaker 17 Oh,

Speaker 17 what? What?

Speaker 16 I'm not allowed to say something to my friends. Sorry, Sasha.

Speaker 20 Christopher Ledondo.

Speaker 12 Do you have any aliases?

Speaker 19 Chris Ladondo.

Speaker 12 You're under oath.

Speaker 2 I don't know what you mean, sir. Okay.

Speaker 12 All right, moving on.

Speaker 34 A Roastmaster? Yeah.

Speaker 12 How long have you known the defendant?

Speaker 2 I think about 11, 12 years.

Speaker 2 I was introduced to him by Sal when he was in the fire academy.

Speaker 37 By the fire academy. Okay.

Speaker 67 He had a shaved head, I remember.

Speaker 24 2005.

Speaker 29 Yep. Isn't it true?

Speaker 4 He was going to wax on about how fucking handsome he was the way you two were going at it.

Speaker 19 She sounded like Mike and Ming.

Speaker 16 You should have the same chair as

Speaker 12 Isn't it true that you were at the conception or birth of Impractical Jokers, quote, when they were called the tenderloins?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I helped with the earlier sketch videos and the sizzle reel for which became Impractical Jokers. I was a cameraman.

Speaker 12 So you've seen the rise of the tenderloins becoming the Jokers, becoming the phenomenon,

Speaker 37 the world-known, world-renowned.

Speaker 2 I knew then, sir, that they were funny.

Speaker 37 You knew then? Yes.

Speaker 19 Do you know now?

Speaker 14 Do you know now?

Speaker 20 Absolutely.

Speaker 12 Now, for full disclosure, you've been in this very courtroom before, haven't you? I have.

Speaker 12 During the trial of Bono Gate, correct?

Speaker 31 Right.

Speaker 12 And how did that trial turn out?

Speaker 2 Not well.

Speaker 12 You actually lost that trial, correct? I did.

Speaker 12 You lost it with a smile and a laugh because of your sense of humor. Absolutely.
Which you

Speaker 12 put on display

Speaker 12 marvelously on the Tellim Steve Day Vinyl Cast 2 2016 birthday roast of Mr. Brian Quinn, correct?

Speaker 27 Thank you, yes.

Speaker 17 Available on the merch table.

Speaker 12 You did a set that...

Speaker 67 Was better than Doug Stanhope's. I know.

Speaker 12 Was very well received, right, by the ant community, you would say. I mean, it was, I mean, you really

Speaker 12 shine that evening, and I believe that's why I could call you here tonight as an expert witness on comedy based upon your performance that evening.

Speaker 24 Absolutely.

Speaker 4 When the fuck is this human centipede of dick sucking going to fucking end?

Speaker 16 This can continue.

Speaker 7 You're handsome. You're funny.

Speaker 42 What the fuck? Come on.

Speaker 20 Get to the heart of the matter.

Speaker 12 Do you have, and now you had so much material that evening. Didn't you have some more jokes that you could offer us

Speaker 12 just to show the courtroom your uh your abilities and why you would be labeled an expert i actually wrote two roasts after that like and and to no one in particular yeah

Speaker 12 uh i have the practical joker's roast uh ready if can you just give us a couple of your best your best material i got us to just this just to squash any rumblings that you may not deserve to be sitting in that seat right now okay i'd ask the uh the witness to refrain from making any Stacey Patella jokes that she's a snowflake.

Speaker 17 And

Speaker 6 I won't have it.

Speaker 2 I mean, I have an impractical joker's roast, and I have a giddem.

Speaker 12 Just give me two of your, just give us two of yours.

Speaker 20 I mean, this is so good.

Speaker 24 I mean, you're all so great.

Speaker 12 It's like

Speaker 48 Sophie's choice here.

Speaker 2 Okay, let's see. Giddem Steve Davis here, ladies and gentlemen.
He thought the mannequin challenge was drilling a hole into one and fucking it.

Speaker 67 Uh-oh. Nobody?

Speaker 16 Uh-oh. I'm in.

Speaker 16 All right, you got one more?

Speaker 2 I got

Speaker 17 a fat joke for Impractical Joe's fans.

Speaker 16 Go ahead.

Speaker 12 It's your call.

Speaker 19 A fat joke about Giddam?

Speaker 2 No, about Impractical Joke.

Speaker 28 We can always clip it.

Speaker 39 About my fans?

Speaker 16 About your fans. I won't have it.
Yeah, then you know what?

Speaker 17 I won't have it.

Speaker 16 Not on my watch.

Speaker 12 Okay, this is going to, but Q, this is going to

Speaker 12 taint the jury that he's not really an expert. If they didn't listen to the the vinyl cast,

Speaker 43 can I say something, though? Can I say something?

Speaker 13 I would rather go down in flames and be banned from this show than have fans of impractical jokers, my fans, disparaged in any way, shape, or form.

Speaker 24 Even if it's a joke.

Speaker 57 Ejection, prejudicial.

Speaker 13 Even if it's a joke.

Speaker 4 Those flames are going to last a while because those fat asses as fat is going to burn.

Speaker 17 Like way away.

Speaker 13 You don't know what mindset?

Speaker 39 You might say something that upsets someone, and I won't have

Speaker 16 my fans.

Speaker 12 I'd rather lose this case than have my fans all right so then okay so you've kind of been cut off at the knees here Chris well I prepared a statement if it's okay for the court well and okay so in your own words please explain to the jury why you would make a dumb mannequin joke

Speaker 17 why

Speaker 2 they're really bad the other way why you're here tonight to defend BQ's honor okay well the charge of Quinn not being funny is ridiculous he's on one of the top rated TV comedy shows and on two continents.

Speaker 2 As far as being relatable, I mean, he still lives on Staten Island.

Speaker 2 There have been a number of celebrities that lived on Staten Island over the years, from the famed Barrymores to Martin Sheen, Paul Newman, Robin Quivers, Steven Segal, Alyssa Milano, Christine Aguilera, Theo Rossi, Pete Davidson, and Larry Harmon, aka

Speaker 19 a Bozo to clown.

Speaker 2 All those people moved off of Staten Island, not Quinn.

Speaker 29 No.

Speaker 2 Drives the Jeep, drives a Jeep Wrangler, not a Cadillac or any other luxury cars. Continues to support the FDNY and their families.

Speaker 17 Let him go, let him go.

Speaker 16 Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Speaker 20 Not an Iraq or something.

Speaker 58 Come on, come on.

Speaker 2 Continues to support the FDNY and their families. He's on record saying being part of the FDNY was the proudest moment of his life.

Speaker 2 Takes time out of his busy schedule every week to record Tell Him Steve Dave when he could be knee deep and menopausal pussy.

Speaker 2 He wants to hang out with Giddam, despite Giddam ignoring him and putting him on this trial.

Speaker 35 Again, how does this make him relatable to any normal human being?

Speaker 2 Because he wants to fucking hang out with you.

Speaker 35 Again, how does it make him relatable to any normal human being?

Speaker 9 Charity makes you relatable.

Speaker 11 Exactly.

Speaker 2 He has modest hobbies like photography and finger-banging women while listening to contemporary working-class music, such as Bon Jovi.

Speaker 2 I mean, you know, who even finger bangs at a middle-class level anymore?

Speaker 2 Probably the most down-to-earth joker besides Salon Murray.

Speaker 16 Can't stop himself.

Speaker 19 It's all a roast.

Speaker 2 He doesn't

Speaker 2 kiss celebrities' ass on Twitter like some people.

Speaker 17 Are you kidding me? That's all he does. I still suck.

Speaker 16 When I still talk,

Speaker 2 we won't mention.

Speaker 35 Do with this picture what you will.

Speaker 2 Makes the ant salute at every live IJ show.

Speaker 2 The man knows his roots, whereas Tesdy merch on camera to promote the common man or common woman or gender fluid or whatever species Gid him is by the way.

Speaker 29 Always fucking inserting his agenda.

Speaker 2 Visited an ant meetup in the UK.

Speaker 44 Oh.

Speaker 2 Which they're like the Beatles out there?

Speaker 4 Impractical joke.

Speaker 14 Or the monkeys. We haven't decided.

Speaker 2 When stopped on the street, he always takes time to take pics with ants.

Speaker 2 Willing to do live, tell them Steve Dave shows for far less money than his IJ appearance fees because he genuinely enjoys a connection with the ant community, the common people.

Speaker 2 He is not as well off as you think. True TV is not a major network.
He splits his money with three other partners, plus agents, managers, and taxes.

Speaker 2 Non-scripted formats.

Speaker 46 Because you fucking account.

Speaker 28 Making a case.

Speaker 12 Making a case.

Speaker 2 I know things.

Speaker 12 Because I don't want to get this on, I don't want to have a mistrial because of you going off on it. And telling how common he is? No, but like speculating on his finances.

Speaker 11 Let fucking Q gets audited thanks to the trial.

Speaker 16 Would you object to it?

Speaker 17 Never in a real courtroom.

Speaker 2 Non-scripted format TV is non-union. This eliminates money-making opportunities every time IJ is aired, and we all know how fucking many times IJ is aired during the day.

Speaker 12 Certainly not enough because Personny Def can't ever catch it. It's always on before

Speaker 6 his bedtime.

Speaker 2 He's too busy.

Speaker 64 If anything,

Speaker 53 if anything, it's round two in the afternoon.

Speaker 2 If anything, Q is being exploited by corporate America.

Speaker 17 Oh, a harsh indictment of Trump. Unfortunately,

Speaker 19 he's a total victim.

Speaker 2 Unfortunately, he's too far down the rabbit hole and has to take advantage of every money-making opportunity that may present itself.

Speaker 50 Is it too late to change lawyers?

Speaker 16 Wait, right?

Speaker 2 There's no pension plan in Showbiz or 401k. He has to pay for his own health insurance, no paid sick leave or vacation days.
In conclusion, Your Honor, Free Brian Quinn.

Speaker 17 Yes.

Speaker 56 My cousin Chris over there.

Speaker 53 Wow, buddy. Wow.

Speaker 35 So, Mr. Pussy, I'm surprised you were calling yourself.

Speaker 17 As we're

Speaker 12 don't let it let it

Speaker 28 lose it because everyone's laughing.

Speaker 35 As we're trying to determine what's funny, not scary.

Speaker 35 Withdrawn.

Speaker 17 I don't know. I didn't write.
I didn't write it right with you.

Speaker 12 That's like a mannequin joke. Go ahead.
Keep going.

Speaker 17 You guys are even now.

Speaker 35 So you said it before you were in sketches with the members of the Impractical Jokers slash The Tenderloins years ago?

Speaker 19 Yes.

Speaker 35 Okay. Are you on the show Impractical Jokers now?

Speaker 19 No.

Speaker 35 And you said that's one of the funniest shows that's around, right?

Speaker 2 That's why I'm not on it. Oh, okay.

Speaker 35 So what's your theory? Your theory as why you're not on it is you're not funny.

Speaker 21 I'm not funny.

Speaker 14 I was a cameraman for the Tenderloins.

Speaker 16 Yeah.

Speaker 35 Oh, no, he said he was in sketches.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I was a cameraman primarily.

Speaker 35 But you've been in sketches, you said. Some.

Speaker 18 Okay.

Speaker 35 And you said your theory is why you're not on the show is because you're not funny.

Speaker 35 That's what you stated.

Speaker 67 Sure.

Speaker 65 I have a day job. All right.

Speaker 35 Now, I noticed you haven't brought up feminism.

Speaker 14 Turn around IJ for that college thing that you're constantly bitching about on Twitter.

Speaker 16 No, I'm not bitching, but I love it.

Speaker 65 Too fall down a rabbit hole.

Speaker 17 All right.

Speaker 35 I noticed you haven't brought up feminism, Trump, or being a vegan in the last two minutes. Are you feeling okay?

Speaker 17 Feeling great. Look at me.

Speaker 16 You need a recession? That's good, Donna.

Speaker 17 You got Facebook or Instagram or Twitter or anything?

Speaker 16 Yes, I did.

Speaker 36 Now, I said,

Speaker 35 do you need a recess?

Speaker 37 Oh, no.

Speaker 2 I already took a selfie in my car earlier.

Speaker 16 All right.

Speaker 35 Now, as my colleague said, you did perform

Speaker 35 pretty well on the BK birthday roast.

Speaker 19 Thank you.

Speaker 16 BTK.

Speaker 16 We're going to pay roast. That's your roast.

Speaker 35 So now, did you, in fact, and please remember you're under oath, write your own material? Yes, I did. Do you have any proof of that?

Speaker 17 Because

Speaker 35 what you presented recently is not that funny as evidenced by the crickets we heard.

Speaker 27 Well, I did.

Speaker 24 That's future.

Speaker 34 You jerk off. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I did ask a couple of comedians advice on roast when I prepared it,

Speaker 2 but they all answered academically what you need to do. Nobody gave me a joke.
But actually, Sal.

Speaker 35 Your proof is that you spoke to other comedians

Speaker 34 for you.

Speaker 24 Nobody gave me joke. For your roast material.

Speaker 2 I asked advice from Sal and Jiggy. Sal at the last minute says, who do you want me to make fun of? I'll do it for you.
And by then, I was like, no, I'm good.

Speaker 67 I think I got it.

Speaker 35 All right, so now do you have any witnesses that you wrote this uh roast material?

Speaker 2 He's not on trial.

Speaker 13 Objection, he's not on trial.

Speaker 12 He went after his credibility, Q.

Speaker 14 I mean, it speaks for itself.

Speaker 43 Yeah, but he's asking for a witness, he's not on funny.

Speaker 31 I mean, I mean, he actually provided

Speaker 16 everything.

Speaker 35 I really don't need him to answer the question, but he has stated that he doesn't know what funny is.

Speaker 12 Yeah, so how can he be speculating like crazy, though?

Speaker 39 He didn't say he doesn't know what funny is, he said he's not funny.

Speaker 35 Oh, he's not funny, so then he does, he doesn't know what funny is.

Speaker 37 No, I don't know how to fucking

Speaker 20 mine diamonds, but I know I got diamonds, like, right?

Speaker 44 Yeah, of course you do.

Speaker 7 You get some African kids.

Speaker 27 If I were to put Lance or a real diamond in front of you, you could tell the difference.

Speaker 28 Whose side?

Speaker 12 I'm sorry.

Speaker 34 I know. I'm just

Speaker 12 kind of burning about you saying, like, you want a new lawyer when Chris came up.

Speaker 28 I'd like to win through that straight.

Speaker 4 It replaced his semi-ire.

Speaker 13 Man, I don't know how to fucking fight terrorists in a building, but I love watching Diehard.

Speaker 24 What the fuck's that got to do with me? I get.

Speaker 35 Well, how would would you know what a terrorist is ah we know

Speaker 17 we all know

Speaker 33 i'm done with this witness proves nothing that he sent them a wire you're done yes anything troy for uh um what would i go back to him to follow up following the um the roast did you receive a lot of comments on your roasting abilities on twitter or other social media i did Would you say it's fair to say that it was almost universal praise?

Speaker 2 Yeah, for the most part.

Speaker 33 Were there many detractors?

Speaker 14 There were some people that maybe.

Speaker 33 Did the praise well outweigh the detractors?

Speaker 21 Oh, yeah. Okay.

Speaker 33 So I would say that most people who follow them would be in agreement that you do no phony and you are.

Speaker 35 Objection. We never even proved that he did his own material.
There is no proof entered into evidence.

Speaker 21 He doesn't have any proof into evidence. Like Quinn said, he's under oath.

Speaker 35 So he can't perjure himself?

Speaker 20 Can you prove it he's perjured himself?

Speaker 16 Can you prove it anybody is roast?

Speaker 33 I don't have to prove he rose roast. Neither does he, because he's under oath.

Speaker 14 Well, why do I have to prove that he can perjure himself? I'm

Speaker 60 I think he already perged him.

Speaker 16 Can't I just call him a liar and be done with it?

Speaker 28 Purging himself all day.

Speaker 67 I'll tell you that.

Speaker 16 You should start purging a little bit.

Speaker 67 Well, I did write those jokes because

Speaker 54 that plastic thing pop out of your stomach.

Speaker 65 I did write those jokes because for 11, 12 years, I got to see this guy be funny.

Speaker 2 So it kind of rubbed off on me.

Speaker 2 I have good company.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 37 It or he. Powerful final statement.

Speaker 14 Yeah, it's kind of weak.

Speaker 17 What are you doing?

Speaker 12 No further questions. Thank you.

Speaker 17 Thank you.

Speaker 21 Great for you, baby. Thank you.
Come on.

Speaker 12 Love it. He did perjure himself, though, on the stand, though.
Wow. When I asked him about his aliases, he did not reveal.

Speaker 13 That's because he lost the name Ghost Pissy. Technically, he's correct.

Speaker 26 It's like you're going to seal the rest.

Speaker 33 Can't introduce it.

Speaker 18 Really?

Speaker 18 How did he use it?

Speaker 19 I can't remember.

Speaker 20 How was that punishment?

Speaker 16 The punishment was to

Speaker 2 state an apology to iTunes to you.

Speaker 31 Right.

Speaker 12 Oh, and then we would never call you that no more? Oh, well, then we have not followed through with that either.

Speaker 28 That's on us.

Speaker 6 You've reached the end of the trial of Brian Q, part one.

Speaker 4 Tune in next week for part two,

Speaker 49 where there's even more slings and arrows against our boy.

Speaker 49 You say I don't know what I'm doing.

Speaker 49 I said, I don't know where you've been.

Speaker 49 I don't care for agitation anymore. Take it back this time again.

Speaker 49 Just come back this time, my friend.

Speaker 49 You has me on my website,

Speaker 49 and I'll lie again.

Speaker 49 Have fools in my hair on seven hours. Well, I'm dying with you.

Speaker 49 Bload away, blown away, oh. I'll start again on my own.

Speaker 49 Miles away.

Speaker 49 I will be a victim. The memory in your head warms miles away.

Speaker 49 My mind's beating up for so long.

Speaker 49 I remember your kids.

Speaker 49 When I'm stealing drunk and so strong,

Speaker 49 I've been thinking back to everything

Speaker 49 I've been. You said I don't know what I'm doing,

Speaker 49 break my life.

Speaker 49 I said I don't know where you

Speaker 49 changed.

Speaker 49 I don't care for agitation anymore. Take it back this time again.

Speaker 49 Just come back this time, my friend.

Speaker 49 You realize me on my way to my house. For what I don't know.

Speaker 49 And I've been walking out on my own again.

Speaker 49 With nowhere to go.

Speaker 49 Find away, fight away, bro. I'll start again on the feet, on the side of the world.

Speaker 49 But it still feels like I'm a man again. Each time I'm inside it, though.

Speaker 49 My mind's beating up for so long.

Speaker 49 I've been ever your gift.

Speaker 49 When I'm sleeping, drunk and so strong.

Speaker 49 I've been thinking back to everything

Speaker 49 I've been. Said, don't know what do it, in my life.
I said no way.

Speaker 49 I don't care for my hesitation anymore. Take it back this time again.

Speaker 49 Just go back.

Speaker 49 Let's have

Speaker 49 this

Speaker 49 time.

Speaker 49 Things will be different.

Speaker 49 It's time.

Speaker 49 I'm taking a different approach

Speaker 49 This

Speaker 49 time

Speaker 49 Nothing will be different

Speaker 49 I've seen most

Speaker 49 mine

Speaker 49 coming

Speaker 49 Things will be different

Speaker 49 this time

Speaker 49 I'm it into the porch.

Speaker 49 I've seen both minds

Speaker 49 in a composure

Speaker 49 I just say good.

Speaker 49 You're right, I don't know what I'm doing

Speaker 49 with my life. I still don't know where you ended.

Speaker 49 I don't care, I don't care anymore. Take it back this time

Speaker 49 again.

Speaker 49 Let's come back.

Speaker 71 This has been a production of Smodco Internet Radio, sir only at Smodcast.com.