#321: Slip 'n Slide Orgy

Somebody reaches out for help.

You're like, fuck you, you side bitch!

Like, that is not the way to fucking help people.

Well, let me look up homosexual goats.

I've dated girls that at the end of relationships, I'd be like, oh yeah, you know what?

We're going to get a dick around here.

Tell them, Steve Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em Steve Dave.

Looking around me, I see no Giddam.

I see no Sunday Jeff.

I see no interlopers.

I do see a

returning champion.

Walt BQ, king of the arenas.

Right?

Yeah.

I feel like this isn't working, man.

I feel like this fucking mic isn't working.

One, two, one, two.

One, two, three.

Okay, there you go.

One, two, three, one, two, three.

All right.

I don't know if I'm a king of arenas, but there's no doubt.

A prince.

Well, a joker.

Participant of Arenas.

You look like you were having fun.

It was a great trip.

I had a legit blast.

A little long, but

it's, you know, it's an exciting time.

Yeah.

You know.

You know how it is.

I've advised my client not to really talk in depth or detail about the trip.

Have you really?

Yeah.

There's only one thing I'd like to mention about the trip, and that's I had a great night hanging out with the ants in Manchester.

Yes, we can talk about that

for the next hour.

But any pictures of you with celebrities

and demanding that people

quote them as they will, you know, we won't talk about that.

Right, thanks.

That's not in your best interest.

Right.

Okay.

So you use a gag order.

Any celebrity talk.

We're getting close to that trial.

Yeah.

Well, let me tell you something.

I was thinking about it today.

I don't know if we should even go ahead with this trial.

Really?

Yeah.

I'll tell you why.

A lot of prep works gone into this.

Yeah, I know.

I met with

Walt, and we were going over some stuff, and he gave me

some links and some remarks about you.

And I followed the links.

Some testimonials.

Some testimonials.

And as I read them,

they can't be legit because there are people on there who don't like me either.

And I just don't see that

as being a possibility.

So it must all just be jokes, right?

I didn't even tell you how many people were like, how could this trial be about Q and people not liking him?

I go,

you must have made a mistake.

This trial should be about Brian Johnson.

The judge?

The judge.

They claim that you have far more

critics

than Q does.

Possibly.

Well, I just reading last week's thread.

I don't go to Reddit, but you had a link there, so I followed it.

And then I saw something else, and there was like last week's episode, and there were comments about it.

Right.

And,

you know, like

opinions about me.

Have I changed since the beginning of the show?

Do you think you have?

I would fucking hope so.

It's been seven years.

That would hope I change a little bit.

Well,

has it been a change for the good, though?

Considering he's not on drugs, I would say so.

Yeah.

Well, some people are like, is he back on the junk?

He seems out of control.

To which I've always said, ever since I said, look, I'm not doing it anymore.

Anytime anyone wants to, well, not one of you guys, not just some random person, was like, here, take this drug test, piss out this strip or whatever.

I'm easy to say, though, because most people are never going to call you up on that.

But if you wanted to.

If I wanted to.

I don't want to.

I don't need to.

Yeah.

I could tell you that.

Yeah, but that's a lot of.

But that's like saying, like, you know.

I have too much.

I have too much money.

It would all be gone.

Who's not paying for that drug test?

It's not expensive.

Oh, it's not?

Yeah, you can get them online.

They're pretty inexpensive.

Right.

We could do one right now on air.

If we had one, I would do it.

Okay.

I would 100%.

Maybe we'll look forward to that.

Maybe in a couple of, maybe after the trial, we'll do a.

Well, you can't warrant.

You can't tell me ahead of time.

We'll just pull it out.

Just random drugs.

Just random drugs.

What do you do?

You piss on a stick?

A little strip, I think.

See also if you're pregnant.

Yeah.

I'm also with child.

I mean, fucking, you look at me, I would say so.

But some of the comments I felt were,

it didn't even make me mad, really.

There were people that are like, oh, you're ragging so much about PC stuff.

Well,

this is a year ago, some of these comments.

Oh, you're looking back at the moment.

Where are we now?

Well, it's like some of the threads, like that's where it ended, and then I guess a different thread would start.

So, look where we ended up.

Me complaining about it didn't help, but I wasn't exactly wrong.

And to people who are like,

I talk about it too much, or I talk about this too much, or I'm too angry about this,

this is just

as a general statement to put out there.

Not every fucking second of every fucking show is going to appeal to you.

It's not for you, it's for everyone.

The number of people that, you know, like, oh, you know, he's just a cry baby, he does a depression shit, blah, blah, blah.

This should have been, you should have fucking ended the show with this because this is so good.

This is so truth.

This is like, this is gospel.

Dude, I bring the truth every fucking week.

That's the thing, though.

But this is a better truth than most of the truths you bring.

Yeah.

This is what needs to be said.

Well,

I think it's all a part of

the same amount of time.

We're going to run out of here.

See you next week at the trial.

But the things I share are like,

look, like freaking out and smashing in the side of my car.

I heard a lot about that.

I just told you that the whole thing was

I went and bought Pam a bottle of wine that was like 12 or 15 bucks.

As soon as I got home, I dropped it, smashed all over the ground, and I overreacted.

That's not bragging.

That's not like, hey, guess what I did?

I did fucking $1,000 worth of body damage over a $12 bottle of wine.

That's not me feeling cool.

And was that an accusation?

Well, that somebody, yeah, somebody was just like, you know, why is you bring these things up?

What did I?

What the fuck?

The show's always been talking about that.

That's what I thought.

Like, I don't think.

I just got to stay away from it.

I honestly feel that.

I have brought more,

mostly bad, some good, but mostly bad truths for my life.

Like, they're like, it must have been his fault if he got evicted.

I don't think he's telling us everything.

Why the fuck would I say it to begin with?

That's not something you bring up.

Hey, guess what, guys?

Yes.

Yeah, like, feel bad for me.

I don't want anyone to feel bad for me.

This company fucked up.

I said, yes, I was late lots of times.

I paid every fucking fee that was associated with it.

But they fucked up.

There's no two ways about it with this eviction thing.

Don't Isn't Giddam a moderator on this thing?

Can't he bring the whole thing down?

I don't know.

I wouldn't want him to.

So you know.

Well,

Trump's in power, man.

Not yet.

By the time this is released.

By the time this is released, maybe it's time to take a page from the title.

Will this coincide with the inauguration?

You don't like.

Bring it down.

You don't like freedom of speech.

No.

No.

I don't.

I'm not afraid of it.

If you're honest, I'm not sure.

You don't like it.

He's on trial because of it.

No, I'm kidding.

I am.

Only on certain topics.

Nah, freedom.

I don't really.

In a way, look, I think we're going to get a great episode out of the trial.

So this is all great.

This is all great.

But I mean, wasn't life happier when we didn't go to the Reddit thing?

I don't know what.

I don't think mine has changed either way.

You don't go on.

I look at it.

I definitely look at it.

Yeah, but I don't.

But yeah, I'm not one to

I'm not one to

let it fester or let it bother me.

I'm surprised.

I'm not surprised, but I don't want to say, but

considering what you guys are dealing with, Q, with your

staggering success, I can't believe that you still would allow

some little cocksucker to throw a stone and allow it in your life.

Right, with your staggering failure.

Yeah, I totally understand.

No, no, no.

Look, the people who.

I mean, wait, because I don't want to, before the trial, I don't want to, I don't know how to do this because I still want to pretend I'm upset for the trial.

But, I mean, look, whatever.

Fucking, I guess by now people guess that I'm not really that upset.

No, you the people who make like

the comments that I read about me, like, were just the people who wrote them, and you know who you are, are so clearly bitter and

envious

and

that I don't it doesn't upset me haters with a Z yeah yeah but haters is like too of a blanket like H-8RZ to have that much

venom and to and to be so like

suedo intellectual in your fucking analysis of it it's just what can you point to that one that one venomous comment that you really was the one that not the one but like can you recall one that was like you were like that no that pisses me not pisses me off but that like I can't believe someone would write that No.

No, whatever I said that day.

I haven't gotten back since then, but

I could go back in.

He was scanning them while on stage.

Anybody say anything else?

No, some chump fucking talking bad about me on an obscure webpage is not going to bother me when I'm fucking operating at the level that I am.

There you go.

There you go.

Yeah.

I mean, it doesn't even bother me

operating at the level that I'm at.

Like, it doesn't, it doesn't, at one time it might have gotten me angry, but it's, I don't know what's going to get me angry these days.

People are speculating.

They're like, he's going to lose it and kill somebody.

He's going to lose.

Like, why does he have a butterfly knife with him?

It's like, because these guys sent me a butterfly knife.

It's in my bag.

I'm not like walking around town like I'm in the fucking jets and shit.

But I mean,

I mean, but you were not in a good place, though.

I mean, and I think that if you're going to be honest, uh, people could s see it and hear not see it.

People could hear it.

People could hear it.

People could hear it, and they weren't wrong.

They were not wrong.

No, but

I, but I, but I have a, I have a fucking disorder.

What am I supposed to do about that except take medication?

You know,

yeah, and it's, it's actually kind of mean, like, like.

I'm being shamed.

You're being shamed?

Like, you have a medical condition, man.

Yeah, and these monsters

are mocking you about it.

I know.

There's no, and let me tell you something.

For as much as I talk about depression and

the bipolar too and that stuff, the number of fucking emails that we get saying like, you helped with this, you helped with that.

I mean, some horrible, horrible experiences people have gone through.

And I don't know how listening to us would help,

but it did.

And really, that's what matters.

And to me, if that helped, you know, one of these people versus some fucking dick who's like, he's fucking all mad because he can't say tranny.

Well, fuck you.

Do you think I care what you think, asshole?

Why?

You can't say that tranny is no longer a word you can use?

No.

That depends.

How old are you?

Tranny trick?

I think it's acceptable if you get tricked because, I mean, then they give up all rights.

Oh, and I got to recommend this.

Twitter, I had a self-described tranny.

I had a very interesting conversation with

Ian K.

Morris

while I was in London.

Imam K.

Morris.

Did you hear about that?

He was with that he was now dubbed Imam?

No, we're not here for that.

No, we're not.

We accused him of being a part of ISIS.

I forgot you weren't here for that.

Oh, that's brilliant.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah,

I had dinner with him, and

I hung out with him a bunch.

And one night we were talking about, like,

he was saying

he can't make in-betweeners anymore.

You wouldn't be able to make it today.

Ian is the exact opposite of Brian.

He agrees with,

he is ultra-woke.

Hashtag never sleeping again.

Like, like, he is like, he's fucking as liberal as hell.

He's taking sleepers for the week.

Like, you know how much I love that guy.

And I was sitting across from him being like, I don't know if they're going to be able to do that.

Now, is this something you saw in him when you first

were getting to know him?

Yeah, no, I've always known he was

a man.

He's in the entertainment industry, man.

He is.

But he's militant.

He's become militant.

He's become militant.

To the point where he said that he's at the point where he thinks everybody should be

radicalized.

If you don't.

Homegrown.

Ian's point was

you should cut off relationships with people who you don't agree with politically.

He was a dead.

But that means that you wouldn't be his friend anymore.

No, because I'm still on his side of the spectrum.

He's talking about people.

He doesn't listen to Tom Steve David.

No, sure, sure.

Nothing we've said here would be.

Because we're still at our core very supportive of people.

It's just the expression of it sometimes gets a little out there to us.

And that's what I was saying to him.

And he was saying, all right, so In-Betweeners,

he couldn't make the jokes in it today, even though he agrees they're funny, because when he made them and the characters saying them were obviously stupid and they had no power, and that's why they were funny.

He's like, but now he feels like the people who are watching In-Betweeners today might be like, damn right.

Like, the jokes have become empowering to people.

Like, it's Trump's fault or whatever.

Right.

The Brexit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The Brexit.

No, the Brexit.

Syrian refugees.

I'm sure he was very upset by the Brexit, right?

We talked more about Trump than the Brexit.

But yo, no, no, he did.

He's against it.

He is against it.

So, you know, so I don't know.

So, like, I gave, you know, Walt, I want to be woke this year.

So

I paid attention to what he had to say.

And

still processing it.

The whole time were you like, oh, my God.

i was like dude look at that you relax a little bit

i'm gonna challenge your uh your your woke okay i'm gonna challenge your if you agree this is exactly what i need two guys battling to be the most woke

no because i'm i'm struggling with it right now oh are you yeah something was announced oh is that why you chased that black guy out earlier

that's what that was about how the fuck

huh bruise for whites only become a thing oh really yeah i've been seeing that I've been seeing it.

I've been seeing it.

That is not an official slogan of Q's Bruce.

Nor was it even said on the show.

Yeah, you said it on the show.

Yeah, you did.

All right, Middle East, Woke.

Earlier this month or earlier this week, or I don't know.

I just heard about it the other day, though.

I didn't know about it.

Ringling Brothers

called the quits.

After what, like 134 years or something like that?

You're 40-something.

I got to admit, I was saddened to hear that.

I have many wonderful wonderful memories of going to the circus.

And now we're going to live in a world where

there's going to be a segment of the population that will never be able to witness a circus other than on TV or video and YouTube.

Well, there's still other circuses, but that's the big one.

Yeah, I mean, you still have some like gall-ass circuses going through town.

What's that one that comes every year?

The Cole Brothers.

Yeah, the Cole Brothers.

I don't think that the circus industry, if Ringland Brothers can't can't make it and they were forced out, there's no hope for the circus industry.

If there's anyone still around,

they're living on fumes.

Well, the next thing is,

they got that shut down, and then the next, like, boom, they're on it is like, empty the tanks.

Like, you know, no more SeaWorld.

And then once they do that, they're going to want to fucking uncage every animal in the zoo and shit like that.

Some of it you have to be,

I have to realize that this is, like these are animals that were born in captivity, they wouldn't fucking survive on the outside, whatever.

I think I went to the circus once when I was really young.

Never a circus guy, never liked it.

I mean, I'll have to, like I say,

I have fond memories of going to the circus, and I am torn between knowing how I should feel about hearing that news,

but the reality being

I want to see animals perform for my my pleasure.

What do you want them to do?

Because

I was thinking about this.

The Shamu and shit, you know, like Shamu jumping up and down in the water

versus like when you see a bear in Russia wearing a skirt dancing around.

Yeah.

Like, is there a big difference?

Or is there any difference?

I'm sure that bear is treated a little worse.

Yeah.

I think those, I think Shamu,

especially now,

treat it like, you know, better

than the queen.

You don't think they're just going to flush him down a giant toilet?

Bye, Shamu.

Fuck off.

What do you do with that corpse?

He just died like two weeks ago.

Oh, really?

Shamu died?

No,

the one who killed the trap.

I know what they did one year in the 70s.

They just strapped dynamite to it.

Yeah, you see, that was like blows on a beach, like blubber everywhere.

That ought to be some fucking maniac.

That's how they get rid of my corpse.

That had to be some maniac that was just like, I've I've always wanted to fucking blow up a big fish.

If I could do it, I don't know.

I'll convince the authorities this is the only way it could be done.

Some whacked-out guy who's in Vietnam who never got to blow up anything big.

But yeah, like, I mean,

one thing that it made me think of about the Ringland Brothers announcement was:

nothing lasts forever.

107 years,

doesn't matter, man.

It's gone.

Yeah.

Nothing lasts forever.

So if you're doing something you enjoy right now, take an extra second to just enjoy it a little bit because it won't last forever.

Do you think Reddit posters were responsible for shutting down Ringling?

Ring-Ling?

Yeah.

The Ringling Brothers?

The Ringling?

Ringling.

Do I think they had any kind of.

Like, why did it shut down?

Was it just declining profits?

Or was there a big protest?

PR was getting to the point where

it was very difficult to maintain.

It's because the elephants were constantly getting their asses kicked in there.

Nothing I enjoy more than a fucking video of an elephant stomping his trainer.

Oh, it's the best.

Just into oblivion.

They're like, fuck.

Go nuts picking him up in his truck and chuck him.

That's why ignorance was bliss, because I could go and I could be like,

look at that Dumbo.

He looks so happy with his little shit.

You shouldn't even know it was an elephant.

It's a Dumbo.

He's got his little outfit on and he's got his little hat on.

He looks fucking so happy.

He's much happier down there in the three rings rather than out in a field.

So what you're saying is ignorance

is for you.

Yes.

Not for the dumbo.

Not for the dumbo.

The dumbo wishes there was less ignorance.

Yeah, because don't the little baby dumbos, don't they, they have it pretty good?

Like, you know, the mom will protect

that kef or whatever to like, yeah, like some hyena or fucking cheetah or something tries to get at it.

It's like those elephants

chase cars and shit, elephants.

Yeah, elephants.

They chase cars?

Yeah, you've never seen like an elephant.

It'll be like a safari.

Oh, okay.

That would be amazing.

Ring-aling's like, fuck you.

That just sets all the elephants out.

They're all over the world.

What if he's saying wring-a-ling?

Yeah, that's right.

What am I saying?

Ring-a-ling, you keep saying.

Oh, ring-ling.

Ring-ling, brother.

Sorry, I don't know why I'm saying wring-a-ling.

Say it again.

I told you.

That's why I said, I don't know why I'm saying wringling.

I'm mentally unstable.

I'm just going to fall back on that.

Well, let me quickly show you a picture of this.

Now, this is a self-described tranny.

That's a dude?

That is a dude.

An ex used to be a dude?

On Twitter.

Well,

who knows?

I don't even know the proper thing to say, but I'm trying to learn.

At Ms.

Blair White.

Now, pretty sure

she still has a wiener.

Okay.

I don't know, man.

I don't know if it would stop me.

Very pretty.

You don't think?

Very pretty?

Again, you're testing me, man.

You're testing my status here.

But you look at this girl that I just showed you a picture of.

Right.

You ain't got tranny tricked.

Now, there are some that it's like, come on, dude.

Come on.

Some hands.

Some Adam's apple.

You look like a Brian Johnson circa 1989.

But can I say something on your defense, Walter?

Absolutely.

The world can't expect you not to feel that way about a dude's dung.

Like, you have a right to feel that way.

You, the reason you're woke is because you don't care if other people feel the other way.

You're allowed to.

Right, yeah, yeah.

Like, I know there are gay animals.

Right.

Well, can I explain why?

I don't mean that about that.

I was just, do they come into the store?

Who are you talking about?

No, like, I know there are real, like, like, there are species of animals that, like, I think there's a lot of goats that they're.

There's a bunch of gay goats.

Yeah, so I, but, like,

they are.

Oh, my.

So it, like, it can cross.

Like, I think sometimes it's because our brains are too big.

Maybe that's why because we overthink things.

Then you got species that can't think on a level that humans can and they still want their own

in their mouth.

Let me tell you something.

The gays and the lesbians are doing more for this world than the heterosexuals because we don't need any more people.

There's enough fucking people.

Preach on, bro.

Too many people.

So gay guys.

Adopting kids.

Gay women, adopting kids.

You don't have to pass on your genes.

You're not that fucking great.

All right?

Everybody with their fucking, like, oh, I got to see a little me.

My family name.

Oh, my lineage.

Oh, my family name is going to die with me.

You can't deny someone the wonderful gift

of having a family, though.

I mean, that's, for some people, it is, like myself, it is the

greatest thing that I

wouldn't trade it for all the money or

anything.

Nothing.

Nothing would I trade it for.

Completely and utterly happy.

What are you doing?

Tell them, Steve, David.

No, I'm talking about trading it forever for something else.

No, right, right.

I'm talking about it.

No, because I'm here, that means that I'm not

because I stayed in for work for two hours on a Thursday.

You're calling into question, Mike.

My call.

We thought you abandoned us.

Somebody's like, I'll give you a billion dollars to be on Christian Mingle right now.

Walt's fucking profile pops up.

God loving man.

But the actual, like, the,

there was nothing I would trade for the experience of being a dad.

Not so much like dealing with like babies, but as they grow up.

So to say that, like, you know, there's enough people out there.

I understand why some, I know, I understand why some people, you know, you know, have a, you know, have a shit a brick when they hear they're might be pregnant or with child, but there's a lot of people out there out there who want to experience that, though.

Right.

Regardless of how overpopulated we are.

So you're a fucking good dad.

I say this.

I'm not just saying that.

It's a generalization, though, that you saw

that.

I know so many people who should not be parents.

And you know what?

I know some of them real well.

They should not have been parents so young.

But I mean, my God, you read in the papers every day this shit with like somebody murdering their kid or their, you know that

like people are fucking stupid by and large people are stupid and and have kids too young they don't know themselves so how are you supposed to like shepherd this little person along it's a big responsibility but at times i all i ought because i'll get letters oh not letters emails from people who are like you know they say they're having a kid and they're scared and they listen to tell them steve dave and they hear like you know you would you dig it i dig it and um it makes them feel like, you know, I could, this, I do have something to look forward to with this.

It's not just all about being.

That's what I'm saying.

I think people overthink it.

I don't think it's hard at all.

So you're like,

but they could still have a family, though.

But I like, but they're so terrified of it.

And they overthink it.

And they're so like.

You're terrified of having a family?

Yeah.

Oh,

I was one of those people.

I still am one of those people.

Yeah, but it's like, but like, but like.

I was so afraid that I was going to fucking fucking make my kid feel the way I felt that I was like, no, no, never.

I will never have a kid.

Overthinking it, man.

Just like I'm thinking, I think the human brain is programmed to overthink.

Like, it's impossible not to overthink it and cause yourself unneeded stress.

I think a lot of people don't overthink or think at all.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In certain situations.

You got to find yourself somewhere in the middle of that.

Right.

Not underthinking and not overthinking it.

Q, you will never have children, right?

No.

And that doesn't.

Do either your brothers have children.

Did you take care of it chemically?

No.

Yeah, did you get chemical castration like that?

I didn't take that.

No.

Did you get the operation?

No.

No.

No.

Why?

Well,

if you're that adamant, let's not take any chances then.

No, but

that's her problem.

Let's put your money.

That's our problem, but.

Let's put your money where your mouth is.

Let's do it live on the show.

I wouldn't be against it

getting it.

I have no...

Yeah, any procedures you're going in for in the new year?

I hope not.

You just toss that on the slides.

Yeah, just rot out on the floor while you're back there.

Back there.

Rooting around.

He's getting a drawstring put on his ass.

It's been with all sorts of trannies over in the UK.

Yeah, I know.

But I've never wanted kids.

It's never been anything that I've questioned at all.

I just know I don't don't want them

going back Did you want kids like or were yeah, there's there's the key right there.

I didn't either.

No, no

very much was like not for me.

I'm not interested.

I had spent so many years working with kids I was like I was like I'm so sick of kids.

Yeah, and you're like if my kid turns out like one of these fucking idiots.

Oh, yeah.

I was so like I was so burnt out.

I had no patience.

But what I didn't realize was it's a far different thing dealing with your own kids than some brat.

Like you walked into the maternity ward, you're like, can it play wiffle ball?

There's a world of difference between dealing with some brat at Yoford minimum wage than

dealing with one-on-one with your own kid.

Seems to happen to everyone, though.

Like babies, yeah, it's like

that's too much work.

Well, I mean, I'll be fair.

My wife did raising a baby.

I mean, I would change number one diapers, but I never change a number two.

No, never?

No, that's understandable.

It's too gross.

Like,

even like I would work, I would change a fucking, like, an adult's diaper before I change the baby's diaper.

The smell that comes from a baby's shit diaper is

not regular shit.

It's so much more disturbing.

It's like a curochrome or some fucking.

Yeah, it's just like, it's always like greenish-brown and all over their back.

And then if you have a girl, sometimes it gets, you're just like, I don't want, no, just, I don't want to.

But if you're dealing with an adult, though, you're like you you're looking at each other while it's going on and well why am i locking eyes i can't blindfold the guy or a lady

yeah i've never changed a diaper in my life no never would no i change diapers even with my nieces and nephews i was like i'm not doing that

fuck out of here number one get the fuck out of here it's like it's like it's basically

it's not even a it's not even an issue it's like i could do that in my sleep like i do it for like eight hours a day just change number ones yeah over and over again.

It didn't phase me.

People were amazed at your constitution.

Come over.

I was waiting around and giving the kid water.

But what you go ahead, Doug.

I forget what I was going to say.

But I thought you looked up some animals that may have some.

I can't even begin to list how many animals.

So many different animals that are prone?

They have 10.

It's like a domination thing in nature, nature, right?

Well, it says.

Oh, it's not about like just

I know you're saying that.

No, he's making claims that goats are raping each other.

It's not about dominance.

I'm not making claims, and I wasn't talking about goats.

I know that fucking dogs and cats, like in groups, like the

dominant one will fucking mount another male just to show it's prison sex.

Bingo.

Yeah.

Amongst the animal kingdom.

Fucking

hear about that on Natural of Omaha's Wild Kingdom.

No, I don't remember them talking about that.

Who is that, Jack?

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, yeah, I don't remember.

He was a fucking old dude, right?

An old dude, an old timer.

Long dead.

Yeah.

There's a certain monkey.

I can never pronounce this, Makez.

M-A-C-A-Q-U-E-S.

They give each other hand jobs.

Nice.

Female Ugandan cubs.

They kind of look like antelopes.

They perform moral sicks on each other.

They even stroke each other's vulvas.

Nice.

Is it the most important thing on earth?

Slip and slide, orgies, groups of

is sex the most, the most important thing for a certain growth period of animals, yes.

Including humans.

Oh my god, yeah, it's called fucking 15 to like

32, I guess.

I think it's longer.

I was telling Brian, man, I saw this commercial about

a new

procedure or a new way to treat a certain type of cancer

where the only thing that like is these, the only thing they talked about in the commercial was the ability for you to remain intimate.

That's great.

Right.

But like, it was like there was no other information.

Like, it was just testimony after testimony.

I could be intimate with my wife, so that's why I choose this.

And like, every, like, showing you that even facing the Grim Reaper,

you still want to fucking pound that shit.

Yeah.

Yeah, you want to pound that wrinkle.

You want the ability to, like, even like, to me, I think it would be paramount more to be like, what's the treatment where I have the best chance of getting

well?

Not taking a chance, well, you know, taking this new procedure where, okay, I could still

perform.

And how are you really performing anyway at this point if you got all these, if you're ravaged?

Right.

Well, yeah, we were talking about like the wife is like, thank Christ he has fucking cancer.

Like, now he won't be fucking up on top of me anymore.

But he's like, hey, honey, guess what?

I just went back from the doctor.

They've got this fucking miraculous pill that I can take that's stronger than Viagra.

Right.

Oh, is that?

Well, I think it's like some sort of like bathing and raise.

Oh, really?

Well, the point of the raise is to cure cancer, not to make sure your bonus still works.

A good side effect is it won't cure your bonus.

Yeah, but why wouldn't you choose that option?

Because I'm not sure if it says if it's the most

if it's the best option with the asterisk of being still be able to

you know i'm saying yeah i think they're like you know what

this other one that you could do you may you may be a better treatment but this treatment over here you keep the dick you still be able to you know i like you're gonna get your fucking dick on my own son i mean when you're facing

what was the name of the

the ultimate here right that's got to take a back seat i wonder if somebody said to me

Here's the deal: you're going to have another 10 years, but we're going to cut your dick off.

I might be like,

What's the age when they ask you that?

Well, no, no, if today they were like,

Can't they just make it impudent and not cut it off?

Sure, yeah, I think that's fine.

All right, so somebody comes to you today.

He's like, whatever day you're going to die,

huge,

like, you don't know what day you're going to die, right?

But whatever day you're going to die, you will get plus 10 years, but you will be completely impetent for the rest of your life.

I don't think I'd take it.

Don't think I'd take it.

Well, what if you're like 70, though?

You've probably had you I mean, I'm

I'd like to like so I can live till 80 and be just miserable?

It's like, I'm all right.

Rather enjoy my 60s.

Yeah, but there's there's a lot more you can do in your 80s other than like, you know, knocking boots, right?

What else do you do when you're 80?

What's your what's your your eighties decade plan?

I don't have one.

Really?

No, I don't have one, but

I'd like to be there, though.

I'd prefer to be there than not be there,

even if it's just fucking, I'm breadridden and I can watch TV.

I'd even rather do that than just not be here.

So, like me now.

It's not that great.

Did that little dick wizard come and

make you an offer of

making your soft or the last 10 years of your life?

It turns out he fucked me.

I'm soft plus I'm dying or I'm dying young anyway.

You're married.

You're monogamous.

You're in a monogamous.

Well, you got something?

I was going to say that little, that little dick wizard looks like that fucking orca from fucking He-Man.

Orca?

Brian.

What's the name of that stuff, do you know?

Dude, do you remember the commercials?

I don't remember the commercials.

I don't remember the treatment, but you're going to say you're.

I was going to say, so you're.

So look,

I'm a

like I'm a

monogamy.

I dig it, right?

I'm with you.

Okay.

But But it's like, isn't a super important part of any monogamous relationship is there is an intimacy that comes with sex.

It's like to remove that from a relationship.

For how long?

Forever.

At a certain point.

Isn't there, but isn't there ways that, like, I heard, like, I've seen a documentary about a guy in a wheelchair.

He was able to do other things with his wife.

Sure, absolutely.

To please her.

Yeah.

Who the fuck cares about that?

Well, he's still being intimate, though.

He's still being intimate.

He's like, I'm still useful.

If I can at least do this, she won't totally leave me.

There is, but there is something really fucking nice about that afterglow, isn't it?

Where you just lie in there and like,

you're all spent and like fucking happy.

Except you're lying there 24-7 because you can't move anything.

Now you spend the first 10 years of your life, I assume,

with a dry dick.

You're talking to Q here.

I know.

Maybe the first 10 years.

I'm assuming.

I'm assuming.

You can't spend the last 10 years.

It was easy then.

But when I told them, no, no, no.

In my scenario, it wasn't just the last 10 years.

Yeah, I would take if they said you're going to die at 70, but I'll give you another 10, you just can't use your dick in those 10 years, I would take it.

Oh, you're taking it.

In my scenario, they take your dick now for guaranteed 10 years at the end.

Oh, so at 40, my dick stops working, but I live to 80 instead of 70.

Like, to me, those that reduces the quality of my life to the point where it's like, I don't want those.

It so negatively impacts the rest of my life that it's just not worth it to me.

Well, that's why, I mean, it's super important, right?

Oh, it's very important.

Sex.

Sure, even to jump.

Everyone's all around, not money.

No, money makes it worse.

Anybody who thinks, listen to me,

money's the most important thing in the fucking planet.

I don't give a shit what anybody says anymore.

Really?

Yeah.

That's sad to hear that, though.

I don't get to hear that.

It's not.

You know, who says that?

Chumps.

Chumps say that.

Chump Wharton.

I'm a chump.

I'm going to remember that next week during the trial.

I'm not getting paid to defend you.

Let me ask you this other.

Could you feed your family, clothe your family, house your family without money?

Absolutely not.

And if you were on the street with your family, how fucking horrible would that be?

Well, let me tell you.

Right.

So it's like, it's like, there is literally like.

To hear you, the way you say it's so like,

so short, so devoid of like.

The only thing more important than money is water.

You sound like

you should have a fucking

little suit jacket and a duck bill.

I'm fine with that.

You sound like Uncle Scrooge McDuck.

I mean, it's crazy, like, how

important Scrooge seems unhappy to you?

How

the importance that you put on the way, the way you said it,

as if you were in love with it.

I am in love with it.

You can buy happiness.

You can.

Or

you'll be unhappy, but very comfortable.

That's a good quote.

I didn't say that.

Somebody else said that.

You agree with that?

Is money more important than sex?

Than anything.

Oh, than anything?

I don't think it's more about that.

I was being a little silly.

I think

I was being a little silly.

You're coming off it already.

I can only go with it so long.

You just called almost everyone listening chunks.

They finally sunk in.

If I want to back off that.

Oh, speaking of that,

please stop sending money into the Prussian Kissing Devil.

Yeah.

Like,

look, the story's true.

It happened as it happened.

Guys,

I'm in here.

I'm looking at it.

It's fucking covered in fives.

And gold coins.

Yeah, like,

a listener sent in gold coins.

I get it.

I'm with you.

And I hope it helped you because it did help me.

And I get if you come to the store to visit and you see it and you only leave five, it's $5.

I get it.

It's fun.

But please, please stop mailing your money to the Prussian kissing devil.

It doesn't feel right to take, I've said this from the beginning, ants money,

even if it helps them, even if it's solving everybody's problems, which it is, I'm hearing.

I'm hearing everybody that sent in $5 is getting their problems solved.

Without a doubt, it works.

I just don't want you to...

No, that was a joke.

I wanted to make it seem like it was a pitch.

You know,

I'm going to say that if any letters come in with money, I'm not going to put it into the skull anyway.

So that right there,

it's not going to get in there.

Give it to Get him Steve Dave for lunch.

That's how people will be able to get it in the middle of the day.

People hate him too, yeah, so they won't send it in because they can't stand him.

He's going to load up a chicken tender tacos.

But I don't even know if I should reveal this.

I don't know if I should reveal this on air.

I don't think you should.

What?

It's about the Prussian kiss and skull?

No, no, not this.

Oh, okay.

A different person.

Another thing.

Because

revealing it,

I don't, again, I think it's just coincidence, but revealing it would lend itself to

the powers

of the skull.

That some think the skull has.

No, reveal it, but stick to the guns.

If somebody mails in the money, you're not giving it to the skull.

Oh, of course.

What if that blows back on you?

The skull back on me?

Yeah.

I don't, you know what?

I'm a baron, motherfucker.

The skull can't affect a baron.

There's nothing that skulls can write there.

Listening.

I sit across from it daily.

This is my spot all day long, right here.

And I look at it.

I look, me and it, we face to face.

Love it.

Mano a mano daily.

Okay, but tell me the story.

The story is a listener came in.

I don't know if you remember this listener.

He cosplayed at you at the New York Comic-Con.

I remember.

You do remember.

Yeah, I remember.

He came in on a weekend.

I wasn't here.

He was one of the first people to actually put his money on the skull now that it's found a resting place permanently at the stash.

Yes.

Came back a couple weeks later, maybe a couple days later, I can't recall.

Revealed that

this is rough to reveal because

this is only going to make people go like

this cement

what's going on here.

It's true.

So it's true.

he was having some money issues.

Asked the skull to resolve his money issues, came back either a couple days or a week later and showed Mike and Giddam the.

I'm not a kissing skull, though, all the $5 that people sent me.

That

he was offered a million dollars

for some cannons from an old sunken ship that his family was in

that he had come to acquire.

He had acquired these cannons,

and after he, the weekend after giving the skull the money, he got the text that he was offered a million dollars

for a couple of cannons.

That does not surprise me at all.

That's a cool story, but that doesn't.

It helped me, I'm telling you.

So,

I mean,

I know it's crazy.

We're at odds right now.

Yeah,

I don't buy it, but

I can't deny, though, that this guy now believes it.

As he should.

And I'm glad it worked out for him.

That's the truth.

I'm sure he listens to Tom C.

Davis, so he'll be able to

listen to this.

I don't know if he got the million dollars, but he was offered it.

Hopefully, it worked out.

So it was up to him to take it or not.

Well, or if the deal was.

Yeah.

He's a good guy.

He brought Whitecastle to the Comic-Con.

Yeah, but please don't just please don't

send it in.

I don't want your money

sure.

Which is not why we talked about it.

I was on Twitter the other day.

Actually, hold on just one second.

That's a cool story.

Spooky one.

Well, it had a good ending, though.

Hopefully.

I don't know if you have treated the skull with respect, bro.

That's what you're supposed to do.

Look, you have you've given it a nice home.

You're keeping it safe.

Yeah, put it in a little extra layer of protection, only because I just didn't want to see anything happen to it yeah oh speaking of money one more thing money-wise uh i gave get him another item for his teeth yes this is uh

about as rare as you can get in the united states at least but we created a program for the uk tour um

i'm very proud of it it's uh it's uh i wrote the intro and a lot of my pictures are in it like there's a whole

that i personally took and i think it came out great i love it um you know we sold them at the UK to offer like £10.

That's what we're dealing with here.

I brought it back to America.

I got Sal, Joe, Murr, and myself.

We signed it.

I gave it to Giddam to put up for his teeth auction.

As far as I know, we're not making any more of these things.

How old's this motherfucker going to be by the time he gets teeth?

More are going to fucking fall out, right?

Even at this point, he's making good money.

Shouldn't he be putting money aside for his teeth?

It can't cost that much.

It's like $5,000 a tooth, dude.

For one tooth?

Yeah, it's fucking crazy.

But he should just now, what he should do is just go get the procedure done, put it on a card or something, and just pay it off.

But then he's paying

one tooth at a time.

Actually, you could probably get a bridge for much cheaper.

Well, anyway.

Dunchers.

Yeah, so you gave that to him, and he's going to look for that on eBay.

That is his rarest.

Impractical Joker's UK tour program, we'll put it.

Signed.

Use that as the search.

Yes.

We're talking a lot about love today.

I have some

listener

problems for you two later on since you're so good at solving

the problems for the Lovelorn.

Apparently, I wasn't.

Remember the person who wrote in about the

Illuminati?

No,

they couldn't watch TV.

Right.

Well, then his gal wrote in.

What, she listens to the show?

I don't know.

Again, I'm not happy with that.

So when she listens to this show, she's not going to be a show.

and she was very

she was not happy with the way that you guys portrayed her to be just bitchy.

No, that's the way he portrayed her.

Well, he did not.

Well, can I give a direct message to you?

Tough shit, I ain't your boyfriend.

You can't fucking push me around, treat me like a bitch.

I'll still watch some Game of Thrones.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

You guys are getting so

you do all the time.

You get

a little bit of dissension, a little bit of blowback, and you get so defensive.

You get so defensive, you don't even listen.

You're immediately on the attack, on the defense.

It sounds like she's the defensive one.

No, but she wrote in to say that she's dealing with a lot of

issues.

A lot of issues.

A lot of body

issues.

A lot of things that are going on.

There's more at play here than just her trying to control people.

Okay, so she's like, I'm a a fatty.

I don't want him looking at fucking girls that are hotter than that.

It's even fucking worse.

I'm a fucking fatty.

So I didn't say that.

It's even worse because now she's using her own issues to control her boyfriend.

It's even worse.

Like,

this poor Sappho's got to suffer because she can't fucking hit a treadmill?

That's insane.

That's insane.

Yeah.

That is crazy.

Like, I'm dealing with issues.

Fuck her.

Okay.

Okay, you're dealing with the issues.

We understand.

core of the issues is not a fucking TV show.

The core of the issues is either your lack of fucking self-uh control, your lack of willpower, maybe genetics.

I don't know.

I don't know what you're trying to do.

Is she heavy?

Did she say she's heavy?

Do you suffer from self-esteem issues?

Yeah, but I have

to go to the bottom.

Why is anyone around?

Why are you uncaring, though, though?

Why are you so uncaring when somebody else is, though?

Because you got to fucking toughen up, man.

You either fucking deal with it and you be like,

I'm going to pull my hair on you.

Or start a car.

Or start a podcast and complain about it.

Or beat the shit out of your car.

Right.

There's any number of people who are going to be able to do that.

But he beat the shit out of his car.

Yeah.

He didn't go beat the shit out of an answer.

But what we're hearing is, though, that

people handle these problems differently, though.

But it should never be encroaching on someone else's fucking basic freedoms and liberties to watch a fucking TV show.

Does she really think like, okay, I'm dealing with all these fucking personal issues.

If he watches a show, that's just going to send me over the edge.

A show that, like, if the show didn't have tits, she wouldn't care, right?

If the show was fucking,

I think that would be fair to say.

All right.

Well, the show is.

Because

she doesn't know if this dude really is like, is really interested in fucking prisoners and dragons.

Then break up with him.

Right.

Because you can't trust him.

If she feels that way, I believe.

And take away his internet.

Yeah.

How much would the percentage of the show decline if there was an edict by HBA?

I was like, you know what?

New season, no tits, just dragons and wizards.

Oh, you don't think it would go down?

Not at all.

Because I think the percentage of boobs has gone down.

It's gone way down since the beginning.

It's a well-written, well-acted show with great characters.

I like the show a lot.

They're like, hey, no more boobs.

I would still watch a show.

So you think there's so many people out there that would be like eh i've i've lost i haven't lost interest in this what you got skin amax you've got porn all over the fucking internet you're like the only way i'm ever gonna see tits is to watch fucking game of thrones like that's insane that those are the ramblings of of a girl who fucking needs to address her issues

she needs not more than an hour ago you were going i get emails i'm helping people somebody reaches out for help you're like fuck you you fat bitch like that is not the way to fucking help people.

She called me to complain.

She was mad at us.

Yeah, she said she's not happy.

Like, I'm supposed to give a shit whether she's happy or not.

You're taking the tone that she, that it was a bitchy tone.

She was trying to, I'm telling you, she was not, she was trying to say that she was unhappy.

Let's back it up and we'll listen.

Sorry.

Let's get one fact.

You got it.

All right.

She was not, she was just unhappy that

you didn't take in consideration.

I sold out the O2 for Fortnite's.

I don't give a fuck.

That's what it comes down to.

Money!

And then I got an email.

Why did this fucking idiot boyfriend tell her?

She would have never known.

Well, then I got an email from the boyfriend going.

And there's everything against her.

Regarding the email my girlfriend sent to you,

could I please send $5 to the Prussian kiss and skull?

Because I don't know what to do anymore.

You know what, bro?

I'm going to give on your behalf right here.

From my pocket.

Right out of my pocket.

What is this?

A $5 bill.

I'm giving it to the fucking Prussians on this man's behalf to fucking solve his goddamn problems.

Please.

I mean,

she said, you know what she said, though, that I thought was so sweet, though?

This is the man of her dreams and the man she plans to marry.

All right.

She hopes in the future that

there'll come a time when

he will be able to watch that show without

triggering her or making her.

Yeah, when he's fucking dying of chemo and fucking can't afford the medication to get a boner.

How telling is it that he's the man of a dream she wasn't married?

And he's like, Skull, what do I do?

You know the answer.

You know what?

That's the thing.

She

wants to blame all this other shit on why.

Like, she's got a fucking apron string fashioned into a noose already.

One apron string around this guy's neck.

The man of your dreams, they fucking let him.

But I'm not sure if he fucking loves these tits.

Trust me, I didn't see that.

I haven't seen this guy.

I don't know what he looks like.

I'm going to go ahead and go on a limb and say he's not going to be getting any of these Game of Throne girls.

He's not going to fuck any of them, all right?

He's not going to be in touch with them.

Maybe he might tweet them.

I don't know.

He might jerk off to them, but there's nothing you can do about that.

Why is it that only certain

maladies?

No, no, no, no.

She's not.

We'll get your sympathy, but not this one.

Not this one.

This one's the way she's acting.

Yeah, and it's self-imposed.

So is 90% of a lot of people's problems.

Right.

Mine included.

But when you're talking about something like, wait, but you want to know why I'm a fatso because I eat too much and I don't exercise.

It has nothing to do with anything else other than my lack of self-control and my lack of commitment

to leading a healthier lifestyle.

I'm not fucking writing to people and being like, corral my boyfriend because I'm a fucking fatty who can't control himself.

But you want them to write to you, it sounds like.

You want people to write to you with the problems?

No, no.

No, if they want to, that's fine.

But sometimes.

And it's nice to know that people are helped.

But when you fucking, but when you know, when you fucking write in and you're like, hey, you know, Quinn and Breyer jerks because

they don't know the whole story.

You're filling in the blanks with all bullshit that is not.

What it comes down to is like, look, lady, focus on what the real problem is, not your boyfriend watching a fucking TV show.

Because no amount of him not watching that TV show is going to make you lose a fucking ounce.

Bad news.

Don't you agree, though,

that sometimes

a pat on the butt is a heck of a lot better than a kick in the ass.

Well, fine.

Let me give it a pat on the butt then.

I don't think it's going to be.

No, here it is.

Here's what you need to do, sweetheart.

See what I did?

That was condescending.

I softened it.

I softened it.

You know when he says the word sweetheart, though.

Sweetheart.

It sounds like

you sound like a real hip-chippy Mark Gable, frankly.

This is the problem.

Frankly, my dear.

This is the problem with the world today: nobody wants personal responsibility.

Oh, everything's this person's fault.

It's yours or the white man.

Everything's this person's fault.

Everybody's that fault.

Everybody's this fault.

Personal responsibility.

How you feel about yourself should not affect the TV show that your boyfriend is watching and the fact that you're inflicting that on him.

And the only reason I'm even weighing in on it is because your fucking boyfriend asked me to is unacceptable.

You have to

have personal responsibility.

What's next?

If she's not going to take accountability for her issues, then what's next?

If it's not Game of Thrones, what else can he watch?

What else has tits in it?

But he already agreed to not watch it, though.

Then why is he even asking us?

Yeah, then who gives a fucking thing?

It's clear that Brian and I don't know fucking anything.

But he already agreed not to watch it, and he said he has never been happier.

But he made

he's appealing to the skull.

No, he made them.

I think he made

the mistake of somehow telling her that he or

somehow she found out that he asked this podcast about.

And I think that comes, there's a lot of

hurt feelings that you would reveal.

Because that's private.

That's private.

Nobody knows who they are.

Right, but she knows now that, you know, and she probably listened to the harsh things that, you know, that was said.

You know what?

Let me tell you.

I'm going to give her the pat on the butt right now.

Okay.

Hello, sweetheart.

Go on a diet.

Listen, listen.

Go on a diet.

You thin down.

You start feeling good about yourself.

You exercise.

You feel healthy.

You drop the fucking LBs.

Then you're going to get to a point where you're like, man, are my dreams?

I'm too good for this douchebag.

This little fucking pussy listened to me when I was like, hey, you can't watch a show with tits.

Do I really want a fucking feminized little fucking bitch like him?

No, I don't.

And then she's going to go out.

She's going to date somebody else.

I don't think it's healthy.

She's going to be happy.

And I'm actually, I feel sorry for you right now because I feel you're going to get a lot of heat for this.

It's the way you generalize and the way you assume that she's overweight.

What's her other issue?

What's her issue?

You don't think you so you think only people who are overweight can have body issues.

No, you think she's ugly?

Oh, you think she's super skinny?

I don't know what it is.

You're a giant homie.

You're assuming that it must be weight, which is, I find, I think you're going to hear a little bit.

Maybe I'm projecting onto her.

Because I'm like, maybe because I'm like, you know, three to five pounds over.

I put on eight pounds in 11 days in the UK, man.

I'm definitely projecting.

Fucking bursting the seams of my fat ass.

Yeah, you're right.

I don't know that you're not.

You're just like her.

And like, you know,

guys got to stick together.

Fuck that.

No, I got to stick together.

It's not even worse than hanging around with another donor.

Misery doesn't love company.

Misery loves finding someone who's happy and bringing them down to their level.

This is what they should do.

Look, this is going to solve all their fucking problems.

Because I'll bet you he's like, oh, shit, I fucked up.

Now Valentine's Day is coming up.

I'm going to have to get her fucking flowers and candy.

You only got to do one thing.

Show her the bill that says he just canceled HBO.

No.

Happy Valentine's Day, baby.

No, no, no.

I love that.

Well,

put that in the card that you put on the meundis that you give her.

Because you can wrap it again.

Wait, me and these makes women's panties.

right?

They could get matching Meandy's, those two.

Yeah, because he should start wearing women's panties.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A listener.

He should be wearing love.

He loves you guys.

He should be wearing.

I love him, too.

This is how I would talk to Brian.

No way!

Are you fucking kidding me?

He would give me tough love.

I have a fucking receipt on my door that I fucking send him pictures of from time to time.

That I'm like, you owe me this money because

you're a pussy.

I do that from time to time.

Tough love is the only way to be.

Really?

Yeah.

Do you respond 99% of the time to tough love?

Who fucking gives me anything but?

Oh, my God.

God.

Yeah, so those guys can get matching.

I'm rich.

Those guys can get matching thongs, the couple.

Valentine's Day is near.

It's time.

Because really, I mean, what's going to happen, Walt?

Where do you get your wife for Valentine's Day this year?

What are you looking at?

Yeah.

I was thinking about getting my dogs miniaturized in resin.

That's pretty cool, though.

Yeah, I don't know if I'll have enough time to do it.

I wouldn't even know where to start.

That's pretty dope.

Yeah.

But then she said she wants to get rid of the dogs because, you know, she's tired of carrying around.

They won't go up the stairs.

So now I'm like, I don't know if you can do it.

Right.

And you can't.

You constantly have it aching back.

She doesn't mean it, but she's not like, this may not be the best time to get her.

There you go.

I love you.

Right.

So why don't you go immortalized into it?

Well, maybe for Valentine's Day, you can give her a list of kill shelters.

You know what?

I think I'm going to do

Miyundis.

Why not, dude?

Because here's the thing:

you bring her out to a fancy dinner at, say, Applebee's, right?

She's going to shit that out inside of 24 hours.

Does she like flowers?

Do you ever bring your wife flowers out?

I have her.

Yeah.

Do you like them?

I love a good sunflower.

Somebody gives me a sunflower.

Sunflower is nice.

Sunflower is antiquated.

Antiquated?

Antiquated?

Isn't that kind of

out now?

I mean, isn't it kind of like

reinforcing old gender roles?

What's that supposed to mean?

Is it still woke to give a woman flowers?

Because I find that like.

Oh, yeah, it's a thoughtful gesture.

You know what?

It's very like women get flowers, men get.

We get cigars, right?

You get a cigar?

You get a cigar, Walt.

I mean, you know what?

And

if I want to prove to my wife that I'm

think flowers is the way to go.

Right.

You're like, I got you gender-neutral meundis or gender-fluid meundis next month.

They're the perfect gift.

They're soft.

We all know that.

They're made exclusively out of, is it modal or modal?

Modal?

I'm going to say modal.

Special limited edition Valentine's Day undies, which means you and your Valentine can match.

And yeah, it's as cute as it sounds.

Is there anything

you would want to do less than go?

Like, you see people in matching outfits, I would pay.

Like couples that go out, like, matching.

Oh, it's the worst.

I would pay big money

to have to see you, like, you and Suzanne dress the same for a week straight.

I would love it.

I think it would be so funny.

It's just if you were to keep a straight face everywhere you go, you come with a stash.

Right.

See how long it takes to get them to

realize that you guys are wearing

outfits.

Oh, I would love it.

It would be so fun.

Do you want to do that?

All right.

What do you want me to do it for, though?

I mean, it has to be for more than just Giddem.

Mike and Ming, just to see if they ever pay up on it.

Well, Gidd's going to hear this, so he's going to be looking for it for me.

Every time you show up at Suzanne, he's going to look and see what outfits you guys are wearing.

Which is so frequent.

Here's the other thing about Meandies.

If you don't like them, they're going to give you your money back.

There's no refund on a bad, fancy dinner.

Do you ever have a bad, fancy dinner?

Pay them out, you order a steak, and it's all fucking charred up and shit.

Well,

before I learned how life works, I used to go out, take a girl out of Valentine's Day, and they just add tables to every restaurant.

You're crammed in on this fucking single tables with a fucking one-asshole couple

a foot to your left, another fucking, and you're trying to pretend not to look at each other.

Like, so yeah.

Right.

Oh, I've got to do it.

What do you mean you learned the way the world works?

So, how does the world work then?

What did you learn to do that?

I learned that Valentine's Day, all due respect to resin dogs.

This is bullshit.

This is for chumps and suckers.

Another chump.

Another chump does.

What was the other thing that was for chumps?

Oh,

anybody who didn't feel that money was the most important thing on earth?

Well, health is the most important thing on earth.

Health.

Health?

Health.

Happiness?

It's up there, but it's not the most important thing.

Happiness isn't the most important thing.

No.

I agree.

Health is up there.

I think

it's number two.

What's number one?

Happiness.

I'm here to tell you you can survive a long time without that.

You might not be living, but you're alive.

I think if you're happy,

if you're truly happy and you're not faking it.

I'm very happy.

Why are you so defensive?

You see that last one?

Who the fuck are you?

Who's this chump questioning my happiness?

Not at all.

Was I implying you weren't.

Good.

Continue.

Did you see that?

The total,

the body posture changed too.

Has

somebody been talking?

I'm not happy.

Would you hear?

I think that that is the absolute key.

I've met people who have a lot of money who seem

to, where I'd be like, I wouldn't trade places with them.

I really, I know I've said that a couple times about trading places, but like I really would not trade places with somebody just because they had money, though.

Would you trade places with someone who is 10 times as happy with happy as you?

10 times as happy as you, but

dirt fucking poor.

Dirt poor?

Yeah.

Well, then I have to question: no, are they an invalid?

No, they're not.

Mentally,

you know,

they're just very happy.

They can't be that happy for their family.

They just don't put anything.

So they're so dumb that they're like,

no matter what they're poor, they don't care.

I don't like material things.

They don't give a shit.

Dirt pool, but 10 times as happy.

Oh, I thought happiness is the most important thing.

Is that as hard to get your head around?

I'm happy.

Is that as hard to get your head around as like dick vs.

Puss?

Yeah, yeah, because

you see that

if you're talking about living on the streets, like a homeless man.

That means they're like most of it's 99% of

the people there.

But like one-bedroom apartment.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You would drag your whole family into a one-bedroom apartment.

Am I the only one that's happy and they're unhappy?

Who cares?

No, everybody's happy.

No, I'll give it to you.

Everybody's ten times.

Everybody's ten times happier than we are now?

Yeah.

Yes.

That seems like a stretch.

But like, that would be like, we would be like living on like laughing gas then.

Well, say it's pretty sweet.

I went to the dentist the other day.

It's not that bad.

Right?

I mean, because

ten times happier.

Well, what if, let's say, you were like the Ingalls?

Like it was subsidence living.

Oh, like Little House in the Prairie?

Yeah.

I don't think I could be 10 times happier like going in and outhouse.

That to me, like, indoor plumbing is a factor in my happiness.

Right.

How do you get into plumbing?

How?

Yeah.

I'll tell you how.

With money?

Yeah.

Don't fucking give it away for smiles.

You got to pay for that shit.

Yeah, but you're like,

I don't think you're being clear then what I'm trading it for, though.

I'm just busting bulls out.

Can I just read this call to action?

This is what they say is the fucking most important thing.

Meundis, they offer free shipping for a limited time.

Listeners to this podcast get 20% off their first pair.

But first, you have to go to meundis.com slash T-E-S-D.

You've got nothing to lose.

Don't wait any longer.

Do it right now.

Do it right fucking now.

That's meundis.com slash T-E-S-D.

Well, we're still talking about this relationship stuff.

This is unintended.

I didn't mean to.

Someone wrote in there, and I said, hey, if you've got a problem, just write it in.

And a couple different people did.

But I thought this would be good for you,

Q.

Me?

Well, maybe Walt, too.

It seems there's a lot of relationship things going on, all right?

Yeah.

I just want to say before we get into this, a little cranky time, still jet lagged.

I landed it, and the second I landed, I started working and haven't stopped yet.

So

I'm not very happy in this moment, Walting.

Let's see, I just gotta find it.

Where the fuck is it?

Okay, hot girl love triangle.

All right, okay.

Now, this guy has a love issue.

I'm not gonna give names or anything.

He's been dating a girl for three and a half years.

She's great, tall, skinny, blonde, smart, and his best friend, but they don't connect physically.

Okay.

In college, he befriended a girl

who is also skinny, blonde, and smart, but they have extreme chemistry.

Whenever they see each other, there's an extreme amount of electricity that is undeniable for both of them.

If it wasn't for the girlfriend, I mean, the

college friend, he'd be happy in his relationship, but now after knowing the new girl for over a year, he feels like he's missing out on something in his relationship with his current girl, which, if you're not connecting physically, yeah, I'd say so.

Here are the key facts.

I already know the answer.

Okay.

They're all 23.

The friend wants to be with them.

That does change it a little bit.

The friend wants to be with them.

He loves the girlfriend's family.

The friend who wants to be with him makes a lot of money.

And

I'm not sharing any names.

But I'm not even going to give you a visual cue.

Okay.

It shouldn't matter.

It shouldn't matter.

He didn't mention blonde a lot, but it shouldn't matter.

Q has that's why I'm not showing Q the pictures.

He does a thing for tall blondes.

I have the answer.

My answer is already ready.

Okay.

So that's tall blonde one.

That's the girl.

That's tall blonde two, I think, who is the

type.

Yeah.

Well,

at 23,

you shouldn't be fucking worried about any of this nonsense.

But that aside,

not connecting physically, Walt.

That seems like that'd be a major problem.

I think Walt and I are going to agree on this one.

Let me ask something, Walt.

Who

could steal you away from your wife or make you doubt your relationship and your love for your wife?

Excluding me.

What other woman could come in and even for a second make you doubt your relationship with your wife?

I'm assuming.

Boom.

So that's how you know you're in a good relationship.

If I'm in love and I'm with someone that I am with and into,

no other woman has a shot at even fucking appearing on the radar in a meaningful way.

This guy, by the fact that he is conflicted and writing emails, and I hear what you're saying, buddy.

I'm telling you, if you were into this relationship like you should be in your 30s, this is all nonsense for 23, but we'll go with it.

Then you wouldn't even need to write this email because none of this would be a question.

When you're with the right person,

these things don't even exist.

All the tall blondes, all the love songs are true.

Yes.

Now, unfortunately, they really only apply to like 1% of the planet.

You just got to hope you're in that 1%.

Most people settle.

Well, most people settle

sell themselves out.

Stop watching Game of Thrones.

But maybe it's more fair to say maybe the love songs are true at first.

But over time,

the album doesn't get played as often as much.

That is possible, but

not if you're in that 1%.

1%.

Yeah, the 1%ers.

1%ers.

You know how rare that is?

The r the the the album never th th you'd ever you need ever need to flip the album on replay with infinite power.

So what do what what was your well, I'm sorry, what was your uh oh, you gotta break up with girl number one.

Fuck around with girl number two until you say good, and then go about your business.

Right, but break up.

Don't

yeah, you you you don't don't cheat.

And let me tell you why.

Let me tell you why.

That girl number one deserves a shot at a one

relationship, and she is not in it currently.

She may think she is, but what do we always say, Brian?

She's living in the matrix.

Yes, she's living in a created reality, and

she deserves to not be in that false reality.

Now, can I just ask a question?

There was no

hostility,

there was no like jumping down anyone's throat

with this.

Well, nobody commented on us.

Next week, when he writes back,

why are those two fucking pricks?

That's right.

Because right now, my authority is absolute.

Nobody's questioning it.

It's only when the questions start that

I demand my happiness be recognized.

Yeah, it's tough.

Go, let her go.

Let her go.

Let her go so she can go and she'll physically connect with somebody, and you probably don't want to think about that.

Your girlfriend physically connecting with somebody else.

But hey, man, it has to be the complete package.

You can't be 23 and be like, oh, I'm going to marry this lady for the next fucking 60 years.

No.

Not connect physically?

Come on.

No.

Here's a second one.

Okay.

This is

another little three-way thing, right?

This one seems pretty easy to me, though.

This guy and his girlfriend have been dating for seven years, and so far everything has been great with the relationship.

Everything is still great.

The problem is more of a personal one.

For about a month, I found myself in the middle of a very serious crush on my girl's best friend.

Now, I've always been attracted to her friend, and because she is

just because she's a very attractive girl, nothing more than that.

Well, that's shallow.

Recently, however, my girlfriend and I have been spending more time with her friend since they were both home from school, and we thought it would be a great time to catch up.

That's when he found himself becoming more and more attracted to her and thinking of her more in terms of what it would be like to be with her than just being attracted to her.

The friend hasn't put out any vibes, and as far as he knows, there's no real chemistry between us other than two friends getting along.

So the crush is completely one-sided.

The problem lies in the fact I'm very happy in my current relationship.

I love my girlfriend.

I can't imagine a future without her.

So

the feelings I have for a best friend are not only leading to confusion, but also to guilty feelings, as if I'm cheating on my girlfriend just for feeling this way.

So he's confused, Q.

What is what does he do about these feelings?

Okay, I got this one too.

Feel those feelings.

Even if you're a one percenter,

you're still going to be attracted to the, you're never going to wipe that out.

And you shouldn't want to.

Any girlfriend I've ever been with or any girl I will be with, I would be a maniac to be like, she's never going to be attracted to other people.

Or find other people attractive.

Yeah, it's insane.

So give yourself a pass on that, buddy.

You're allowed to be attracted to other people.

It's, in fact, it's involuntary.

The nature of it is involuntary.

Is it just a little strange?

Well, look.

Is that it?

He's like, oh, you want to jerk off to your girlfriend's best friend?

Dude, go for it.

That's your right.

Don't fucking tell her like this Game of Thrones fucking clown.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Keep that shit to yourself, unless, you know, maybe a girl's into that.

I don't know.

But it does sound like he's towing the line a little too close to

he would, you know, if you're wondering what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone else, then

you're not in that 1%.

You should get out.

Get out.

Wondering what it's like to fuck someone else?

Dude, I'm with you.

Go all the way.

But at the end of that fantasy, you have to be like, yeah, I would never do it, but man, it sure would be nice to fuck my girlfriend's best friend.

Right.

And

what's the point of it?

Like, you are.

You

approach that.

Like, he approaches that with the friend.

If you're not getting any vibes,

you just probably fucked your relationship and possibly fucked their friendship.

You don't even know.

Because maybe she'll hold the friend responsible.

Maybe she'll be like, oh,

shaking your little ass, looking fine.

The fact that he wrote that they're back from school leads me to believe that they were also young.

And I'll tell you this right now, that you might break up and fuck this best friend six years down the line.

That's what happened to me.

Yeah.

Look at you.

And look at you.

Look at me.

I'm happy.

There was another one.

Man, there's so many.

Yeah.

This was a lady who works.

She works somewhere, and everybody's all the guys are trying to Mac on her.

Like every guy is trying to Mac on this poor girl.

Wait, she's.

She's

the girl who wrote the letters, hot?

I guess she must be.

Or she must be.

I I mean, that's what HR department's for.

She must be attracted.

Well, she says, god damn it, where can I...

Oh, here you go.

Okay.

What do I do about all the male attention I get at work?

I work at a dealership.

I'm assuming a car dealership.

I'm the only female in my department.

Every single male wants my number.

I have told most of the guys numerous times I'm not interested, but they keep asking.

Who doesn't?

Like, I got to be honest with you, man.

Like, I've never been the type,

like, the approaching type.

like it either has to be for me it would have to be almost set in stone so I don't fucking embarrass myself

but to be like hey can I get your number they're like no to go back a second time right

to me shows a degree of psychosis that like even I can't fucking identify with right

It's nuts.

It's sexual harassment is what it is at that point.

It makes her feel uncomfortable because she's not used to this attention.

Most of the males I am not attracted to.

Am I only interested in one guy only?

What should I do in this predicament?

This is a tricky one.

All right.

Because you can't really talk about reality in situations like this.

You're saying gangbang.

No.

Okay.

That's right.

It's an option.

Really, like, the only thing to say in this day and age is like, you just got to

be firm.

You got to say, if it happens again, I'm going to report you to HR.

And that's it.

Here's another thought.

You go to merch table, you get yourself a mug shot too.

You wear it to work, and you're like, this is my boyfriend.

He doesn't like you guys asking for my number.

This is a picture of the side of his car.

This is just because he dropped a bottle of wine.

Can you imagine what he'd do to you?

Alternately,

I have known girls who buy fake engagement rings

and wear them.

Shouldn't have to.

This is the problem.

This is where we get into like a thin ice.

You shouldn't have to do a lot of things in the world.

Yeah.

And we, again, it comes down to like common sense.

And I don't want to, I do not want to open this fucking can of worms.

We should all be able to do things that we're not able to do, but we live in a world where you can't.

So you got to be smart and fucking understand that and not

buy the engagement ring, wear it.

Because you pretend you're a lesbian, Q.

Well, that's like I don't.

I don't like guys.

Yeah, really.

It might make them keep going.

What are we trying to do here?

That's what I do.

Walt, you're awfully quiet.

You have no advice for her, huh?

How do you handle get them asking you out?

Yeah, repeatedly.

You're checked out.

Yeah, I don't think that we are.

I don't know.

I don't know if we're the guys, the people to be offering advice.

Oh, I know we're not, but they asked.

Yeah, I'm not comfortable.

Somebody asks you something, you have to answer

regardless of your level.

Probably

with an arrogant tone.

Yeah, you have to be so cocksure of your answer.

What's this last thing?

Isn't it sucked that, like, it's

like,

which is the answer?

Tell them to stop, and if they don't stop, go to Gomean Human Resources.

But then you're like a whistleblower.

Yeah, but then, like, even I'm who giving the advice would be like, so go to HR and turn into a fucking whistleblowing

fucking snitch who deserves stitches.

You know what I mean?

I know it's the right thing to do, but there's still that thing of like, oh, we're about to ruin everybody's good time at the dealership.

Great.

Right.

It was a party until

fucking human resources came in.

There was one other.

God damn it, I can't find it now.

This is not a problem.

This is another fucking spot commercial, whatever.

Yeah, hello, we go.

Let's wrap this up, man.

Yeah, man.

Let me get home.

Yeah.

I'm tired.

Okay, let me see.

Hold on a second.

This is good.

Can I say something?

Because I got something.

While you're searching, I do want to say something.

Go ahead.

I've missed sitting at this table.

It's been like three weeks.

It has to be.

I have missed it.

I missed you guys.

This remains.

One of the bright spots of every week for me.

And even though I was on that amazing journey and that amazing adventure, I really did

miss you guys and being here with you guys.

I've been here.

Yeah.

I texted you.

I said, I legitimately missed you when you were gone.

Yeah.

And like the only other person I ever miss is Sage.

Yeah.

That's true.

Like, I understand how you felt, you know what I mean?

Because I felt the same way.

Because there was an inkling you were going to come to the Manchester.

And then when I was there, I was bummed that you weren't there.

I was like, oh, man, this would be so much better.

You were going to go to England?

Yeah.

When I was moving shit around, my passport

fell in between the back car, like the seat of the car.

And I found it actually the day before the Manchester thing.

Because I was going to make my I couldn't find it, so I didn't want to make reservations and not have a passport.

And then I found it.

So

that sucked.

Yeah, because I was going to go out for the meet and do a Space Monkeys maybe or something like that.

The chick who

doesn't like Game of Thrones,

assuming

that

you're not eating correctly, I got a little something for you here.

It's called Blue Apron.

Nice.

I mean, it has all sorts of shit on here that I am not going to read because it's just way too long.

It's good food.

Upcoming meals.

Spicy shrimp and Korean rice cakes.

Pork chops and garlic picata, mushroom and chipotle, pepper and chiladas.

Not all ingredients are created equal.

Talk about your personal experience with Blue Apron.

You cooked a Blue Apron, right, Walt?

Yes.

I use it every week.

Yeah?

I still get it.

Every week.

Yeah.

It's great.

Good stuff.

It's affordable.

There's a variety.

It's flexible.

It's easy.

It's guaranteed.

Here's the call to action.

This is really what's important.

You can go onto blueapron.com.

You can read all this shit.

You don't want to hear me read it.

Three meals are going to be free with free shipping.

If you go to blueapron.com/slash TESD, you're going to love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron.

Don't wait, baby.

Don't wait.

Life's too short to wait.

Blue Apron.com/slash T E S D.

I have something here

of great interest.

I got a package delivered to the stash

from Sam

at Ask Clown Brewing, which is a

brewing company in Cornelius, North Carolina.

A long time listener, 13%er.

So with all the talk of Q's Brews and you guys using the terms Ask Clown here and there, I thought I'd send you some of our beers.

If your Midwest Brewery falls through and one day you'd actually like to make Q's Brews, let us know.

Either way, enjoy the beer.

P.S.

Fuck everyone on Reddit.

Life outside the basement is confusing for them.

So, what we have here is a four-pack of Ask Clown Brewering offering to make Q's Brews a reality.

I mean,

do we stop pulling the trigger on this?

I don't know what to do.

AskclownBrewing.com.

Ask for Sam.

Hey, I got that email.

I don't know if you don't want to get off your subject.

No, no, I just wanted to give her a shout-out.

But I got that email from the actual email.

I found it.

Yeah, I was looking for it the whole time I was there.

Hi, my boyfriend contacted you about the TV shows and nudity.

What he didn't mention was I'm currently going through a mental health issue that I've been going through for about seven years now.

I'm finally getting checked out to receive the help and diagnosis I need.

We both believe it's depression.

Every time he watches those shows, I spiral and sink even further.

I asked him to stop watching them until I got help and counseling.

But he recently told me after several nights of arguing that he will drop them, finish Game of Thrones, and then be completely done with them.

That's basically all we argue about.

Everything else is smooth sailing.

He's the one I want to marry and be with until the day I die.

Just wanted to give you guys my side without him making me sound like a controlling bitch.

I would love to watch those shows with him, cuddle up and enjoy them together.

I do.

I just can't emotionally and mentally right now do that.

Hopefully in the future, I can.

All right.

So maybe she's not fatty.

Maybe she is.

Who knows?

Maybe she is.

Who knows?

So she's depressed.

She's been depressed for seven years.

Depression is not a fucking license to tell other people what to do.

And it seems so fucking arbitrary.

that she's like, this is the one show I don't want you to watch.

And maybe someday we can cuddle up and watch it together.

Probably because that's the only show he watches that has.

She was actually turning me around into a one line in her letter where she was like, We argued for several nights about it.

To me, it's just like after several nights of arguing.

Right.

That's it right there.

For me, that's done.

She has, I don't think she's out of bounds to be like, look, I'm going through depression.

For whatever reason, this is one of the things that

doesn't help me along.

Could you mind not watching them when I'm not here or something like that?

And then if he says,

I still kind of want to watch it, that's it, honey.

That's it, sweetheart.

You can't fucking nag him into shutting down the shows.

Like, you made your honest plea.

He said no.

No, he said yes.

No, after several nights of arguing, which means

he's arguing.

Yeah, why?

Yo, what?

Because he wants to watch the TV show.

But I told him what to do, and he still wouldn't do it, huh?

He had to, why did you waste all that energy arguing, man?

Just shut the shows down, you fucking fucking idiot.

But why?

But what if now we're back to the original idea?

What if your wife was like, I'm depressed?

I'd really rather you didn't watch hockey.

I just wish you weren't watching double.

Six years of futility and fucking garbage on ice.

You don't talk about my devils like that.

You don't talk about my doubles like that.

And the devil's going to fight.

He says, wearing a devil's fucking hoodie.

Hey, before we go,

we're getting the website finally done.

We are definitely working on it, and I would need a suggestion sent to KMUS2 for a Tell'em Steve Dave Town map.

What are some of the nice things?

What are some of the nice inside baseball things that would be in Tell'em Steve Dave Town?

We have a town called like a building called Reddit, and when you click on it, it's just an old man's dick like pops up.

I mean, you could, I suppose.

You could, but you know,

we don't want it to be an over 18 site.

Well, that's even inside inside baseball for me.

I'm like, that's crazy.

It's an old man's dick.

So if you have suggestions

from the

it's just a list of gay animals.

If you guys have some old,

some memories of some old episodes where we talked about things that would be in Tell him Steve Dave Town,

our memories are not what they used to be.

We couldn't only come up with like five or six things, but we're going to get it done right.

So if you're going to send suggestions for buildings and names of buildings and things that you would like to see in the Tell'em Steve Dave town map, send it to kmuse2 at gmail.com.

Game of Thrones guy.

You know what?

Give your girlfriend

tell him steve dave37 at gmail.com.

I'm going to have a back and forth with this girl about depression.

Yeah.

I'm going to school her in depression.

Yeah.

I don't like that.

Well, no, don't say that.

You're going to school her in depression.

I'm going to tell her how to deal with it, man.

You're going to help her.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, no.

I'm not going to be mean to her.

No, I would never do that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And also, I just want to cap all of this by saying if the genders were reversed, I'd be giving the same advice.

It has nothing to do with a woman nagging a man.

Like, I don't want her to feel like that's part of it.

Tell me if she's on today

that just shoves cocks down your throat.

Tell them, Steve Davis.

Tell them, Steve Davis.

She said she's going to move.

She said she's going to come my way.

If I faded by her moves,

if I played it by hold, she moved my way.

She told me lies,

she told me lies,

she told me lies.

She told me that

the mother of the mother,

She said me we're going to rule.

She said me we're going to be okay.

If I played it by hers,

if I played it by hers, she looked my way more.

She only lies,

she only lies,

she only lies.

She only liked

my

love.

This has been a production of Smodco Internet Radio, sir only at Smodcast dot com.