#314: Impressing the Prof

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Speaker 3 Hey everyone, it's Ashley. You know, Mrs.
Giddle and Steve Dave, and I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas.

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Speaker 3 So go to tellhamsteved.com for that oh so special gift for that oh so special person in your life. Merry Christmas everyone.
Oh and can someone tell Giddem I said hi

Speaker 4 The gypsies, the homosexuals, all not being mass executed.

Speaker 2 You had everything in your hands. I told you to go heavy on the Holocaust, and you didn't even say it once.

Speaker 2 Tell him, Steve, Dave. Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tellem Steve Dave, and what a packed

Speaker 2 table I see here, Q. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And we don't normally do this on Tell him Steve Dave, but I need to issue a trigger warning. Uh-oh.
If you hate get him,

Speaker 2 you're about to be triggered.

Speaker 2 He's back? Yeah. I've seen some.
Well, this may be it for a little while. We needed him today, though.
Yeah, because we're. Well, I give him the pass to be on this week.

Speaker 2 Because we're unveiling a new game

Speaker 2 to replace and to shut up some of the critics of the old game.

Speaker 2 This one's going to be

Speaker 2 fertile. For a lot of fun.
Well,

Speaker 2 it's also, I think, it's going to be a game that it may be the game changer for Telm Steve Dave in terms of getting something done,

Speaker 2 like

Speaker 2 a legitimately

Speaker 2 viable

Speaker 2 concept for a game show on television. Right.

Speaker 2 I'm hoping that you'll just take this section when we play the game and just plop it on Simmy's desk. Okay.

Speaker 2 Like a dog presenting, you know, like

Speaker 2 presenting. Presenting.
It'd be like, you know, fertilize this.

Speaker 2 I'll do my best. Walt said that Simmy's going to like it so much he would even watch it on Saturday.

Speaker 2 We also have an esteemed member of the academic community.

Speaker 2 We don't really normally have educated people on this show. I know, and it's nice to finally get one.
Right. We're rubbing elbows with

Speaker 2 the intellectual elite cue.

Speaker 2 Oh, look at him. He's got his fancy glasses on.

Speaker 2 Walt, you went to college and then dropped out after a week because you got mono.

Speaker 2 I can't believe you remember that.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 2 I got, quote unquote, got mono.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 I went for classes here and there, mostly with Kevin, so we could make fun of other people in the classroom.

Speaker 2 Q,

Speaker 2 you attempted. On and off.
On and off. How many years in total?

Speaker 2 Well, I know I have enough credits for a degree.

Speaker 2 Definitely a

Speaker 2 middle. Associates.
Associates. But nothing in the way of being close to a doctor or anything.
Oh, God, no. Not even like

Speaker 2 what's above an associate's? Bachelor's.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think I have enough credits for a bachelor's, but it's so spread out that it's like it can never be focused into one thing.

Speaker 2 And if there's one thing employers are looking for these days, they're like, wait, you have an associate's?

Speaker 2 Sit down, please. Let's talk.

Speaker 2 Your mop.

Speaker 2 Giddam, you've driven by colleges, I'm sure.

Speaker 4 I've done about six years of college amongst four different colleges.

Speaker 2 Or at least lurked around in the bushes. Is that the most college?

Speaker 2 How many cries do you have, do you think? I don't even know.

Speaker 2 It might be even. He might have more.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 Frank number five is here. Professor Five.
Wow. What college

Speaker 2 graduate of?

Speaker 5 Oh, I have a couple of different degrees.

Speaker 2 Multiple Multiple degrees. Multiple degrees.
Hundred degrees and everyone combined at the table. I love it.
That's what I said last week. Excuse me, Frank, but I didn't mean to, because

Speaker 2 I also got,

Speaker 2 I heard this over the course of the week. You know, don't diss listeners who may not be professors or, you know, because I said last week I like to hear that

Speaker 2 we have

Speaker 2 super educated people like Frank listen. I only said that because

Speaker 2 it makes me feel like you wanted to get Frank Five here, so you thought you'd burn him up.

Speaker 2 It makes me feel like we can't be as dumb as the emails that

Speaker 2 the people are sending me that were so dumb. We couldn't possibly be that dumb if a man who has multiple degrees listens.
That's why I said that.

Speaker 2 And let's not take any of his other history into account

Speaker 2 purely based on academia.

Speaker 2 Can we remind listeners who Frank Five is? Again, he's the person who, very early on, very early on, left his family over Thanksgiving and drove, what, like, seven hours

Speaker 2 to come and watch

Speaker 2 tell him, Steve, Dave, record before, like,

Speaker 2 before anything. Before anybody was like, Q was just a fireman.

Speaker 2 Jesus.

Speaker 2 He wasn't something important like

Speaker 2 a TV guy.

Speaker 2 He was the Q that he is now, like, supernova. Right.

Speaker 2 I'm the fire that you got to put out now.

Speaker 2 But you brought Mrs. Frank.
Have we ever asked Ms. Frank, excuse me if we thought of this, but have you ever asked Mr.
Mrs. Five? Mrs.
Five.

Speaker 2 What was your reaction when your husband came to you a day before Thanksgiving? I was like, dear,

Speaker 2 I'm going to be skipping Thanksgiving this year, and I'm going to take a seven-hour drive to New Jersey to watch a podcast record. Assuming he cares enough about you to address you as dear.

Speaker 2 What was the reaction? I was fine with that.

Speaker 2 Did we ask this right?

Speaker 2 I think we did, yeah.

Speaker 5 I think, you know, the first episode, you called her on the phone.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. I spoke to her on the phone.

Speaker 2 Has he missed Thanksgiving?

Speaker 5 Well, it wasn't my number, so that's why she picked up.

Speaker 2 Has he missed any other Thanksgivings after that? No, but I did kick him out of the house this year, the day before Thanksgiving. He got kicked out.
What did he do? He was just being fresh.

Speaker 2 Being fresh, huh? He was a little grouchy. He was very grouchy.
Like fresh, like goosinion stuff.

Speaker 2 Grouchy. Where do you go? Very grouch.
I don't. Where did you go? I drove around.

Speaker 2 Wait, but how long were you kicked out for?

Speaker 5 I don't know, what, six, seven hours?

Speaker 2 Drove around? I drove around

Speaker 2 to the mall.

Speaker 5 I just, I didn't need to be there.

Speaker 2 She told me to get out. That's not just me getting kicked out.
I thought maybe you had to get your own apartment or something. No, no.

Speaker 2 I would come here.

Speaker 2 Living in a rooming house for a little while. Frank 5 is also the only active Frank currently, right? Frank 3 shows up every week just on the wrong day.

Speaker 2 That's what he said. He keeps showing up, assuming that we're recording.

Speaker 2 Why doesn't he just ask us when we're recording? Because it's very difficult for me to tell him a firm date.

Speaker 2 He always asks, When are the guys coming on record? I'd love to, you know, just come by and hang out. But I'm always like, I don't know.
I'm afraid I'm going to lose my Frank status.

Speaker 2 Yeah, probably the most active Frank out of everyone.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's definitely become the Frank of Franks. And how did you know it was time to go back?

Speaker 2 Hungry. You were hungry?

Speaker 2 Well, that she would let you in. Like, did you text him and say, like, all right.
No, I didn't want to tell him. No, what do you count as fresh? Well, he was just very grouchy.

Speaker 2 I was trying to cook in the kitchen, getting ready for the next day, and he was just craving. I don't know what his problem was.
Were you having relatives over?

Speaker 2 No, we had to go to the relatives' relatives house to two different homes two different houses oh so you're like fuck that I don't want to do that shit I'm Frank Five I do you know what you know what we did we went

Speaker 2 we went to my aunt's house I want to get swarmed by admirers yeah

Speaker 2 does he ever break out his frank five uh status

Speaker 5 no no really okay but even during even during Thanksgiving everybody was eating at the table and after I was done I was done eating I got up and I went in the other room by myself you did she said you got to come back in the other room I said why she says well that's that's normal and where everybody else is.

Speaker 2 Let me tell you something. This Thanksgiving, everybody gathered around the table.

Speaker 2 I took all my stuff and I went outside, outside the house, because I built like a little fire in a fire ring, and I just sat there and ate by myself. And people look at you like, what the fuck?

Speaker 2 To which I say,

Speaker 2 I won't talk to you.

Speaker 5 That sounds great.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 And nobody tried kicking me out for being fresh.

Speaker 2 Pimp hand is weak, Frank Fogg.

Speaker 2 I can't even imagine the look on your face if, like, if Suzanne was like, take your shit and go.

Speaker 2 It's funny, you should say that.

Speaker 2 There was an incident a couple weeks ago where she's like, screaming at me. She's like, leave, just leave.
I don't want you in this house. I just looked at her.

Speaker 2 I was like, are you on your fucking day?

Speaker 2 I'm going to leave the place that I pay for.

Speaker 2 Fuck.

Speaker 2 so yeah, no. I've never, yeah, that would be laughable.
But it might be worth it, though, right? Yeah, go out, you do some stuff by yourself. And how was Thanksgiving? How did it turn out?

Speaker 2 Did you have to talk to people?

Speaker 2 Why do you hate your relatives?

Speaker 5 I don't know if it's I hate them. I mean, I see them all the time.

Speaker 5 So, for me, the holidays aren't that big of a deal.

Speaker 5 The fact that I have to get dressed and oh, you made them dress up nice?

Speaker 2 No, just put clothes on.

Speaker 2 And whose family is it, yours or his? Both. We go to both families.
Oh, the whole family?

Speaker 2 Well, we go one family in the morning and one in the afternoon. Wow, what a thrill that must be, two Thanksgivings.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like a Thanksgiving breakfast. Well, no.
It's like a lunchtime and then dinner.

Speaker 5 Yeah, and she gets mad because what will happen is we'll go to my aunt's say at noon and then we're done at two o'clock and then we go to her brother's house to eat and it's 2.30 and she wants me to eat a whole Thanksgiving meal again.

Speaker 5 And so I just ate an hour ago.

Speaker 2 All right, tell me that that would not be a problem.

Speaker 2 It would be the interaction with other people. Why don't you split it up? Why don't you go to one and you go to one?

Speaker 2 That's not being interference. That's a good idea.
They're together every 365 days out of the year. What's the one day? These are special days you look back upon when

Speaker 2 you're sitting on that chair

Speaker 2 on the porch

Speaker 2 and you're looking back, you know, and you're sitting there. I guess you wasted a lot of time.

Speaker 2 The guy drove around for six hours on his own. Hasn't it special?

Speaker 2 That's right. Who goes where? Does he go to her family? No, he goes to his family.
She goes to hers. They meet back at night.

Speaker 4 See, I think the opposite would be better.

Speaker 2 And you go to her family? Yeah, and then her go to your family. Oh, they don't want that.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Now, Miss Fuddy. Did you think it cut loose a little bit? Do you enjoy the holidays?

Speaker 2 You're a social person. You like to.
Yeah. Yes.
All right. Well, you know, you guys aren't perfectly matched right there.

Speaker 2 She should have talked to us before you got married, I guess. Yeah.

Speaker 2 How long have you been married? 16 years.

Speaker 5 Wow.

Speaker 5 I was telling the guys a story when I first got here, and it was the first year that we ever got married, and we had Christmas at our house, and everybody had been at the house long enough, so I took out the vacuum cleaner and started vacuuming, and everybody was eating dessert while this was going on.

Speaker 5 So I was vacuuming under the table, and people were lifting up their feet, and my wife's mother actually brought her into the kitchen and said, What is he doing?

Speaker 5 She's like, I don't know.

Speaker 2 We've just been married for four months. I can't get behind you on that one.

Speaker 2 That sounds rough, buddy.

Speaker 2 That'd be a tough one

Speaker 2 to slide past anyone.

Speaker 2 You're not just like, all right, let's go. Come on.

Speaker 2 You tried to be a little passive-aggressive, didn't work. Yeah.
How late was it?

Speaker 5 For what? For the.

Speaker 2 Like, what time was it where you're just like enough of these people? It was probably like 10 o'clock, maybe. At night?

Speaker 5 Yeah. It's when I started saying it.

Speaker 2 So 10 o'clock.

Speaker 2 You should have gotten like drunk and just be like, I got to go to bed. Yeah, no, you should have gotten like drunk and abusive.
and you'd be like,

Speaker 2 you know what happens.

Speaker 2 No talking.

Speaker 2 All right, so you're a professor. You have how many degrees now?

Speaker 5 Well, currently right now

Speaker 5 I have four

Speaker 5 going for the doctorate right now.

Speaker 2 Rings on all fingers, huh? Do you get a ring when you get a doctorate? I don't know if you get a ring when you get it.

Speaker 2 One for the thumb.

Speaker 2 He's going to run out. Like the last degree is a cocherate.

Speaker 2 Doctor,

Speaker 2 that's what you're going to do. That's what I'm going for now.

Speaker 5 It takes a little while to get one. So I just started working at the college.

Speaker 5 I was there part-time for about four years, and I'm full-time now. This is my second year going in full-time.

Speaker 2 Do you have that, what's it called when

Speaker 2 you get that certain status where they can't get rid of you?

Speaker 5 Tenure. Ten years.
Do you have that yet?

Speaker 5 Not at the job that I'm at now. I had it at the job previously.
I was a school teacher for just about 17 years.

Speaker 5 I worked in a public school for 17 years.

Speaker 2 Well, you're pretty youthful looking for these numbers you're throwing at us.

Speaker 2 What grade did you teach?

Speaker 5 I taught fifth grade for 10 years, and then I taught sixth grade for seven.

Speaker 2 Any hot students? At the college? No, the fifth or sixth grade.

Speaker 2 Because we don't want to give away Frank's. Frank Five.
We'll just be known as Frank Five. Yeah, I do.
Because he doesn't have tenure yet. Right.

Speaker 2 I don't see any rings.

Speaker 2 All right, so you feel he's qualified to judge this game we got coming up? Well, I mean, he's definitely the only professor in TSD town, right?

Speaker 2 That's a good bet, right? Pretty much, yeah, I guess so.

Speaker 2 All right. So before we get to that, we got to talk about this Prussian kissing skull and how things have developed over the

Speaker 2 Yeah, we got

Speaker 2 to get into the skull now.

Speaker 2 I thought that was the plan.

Speaker 2 There's some news on the skull that, I mean, I'm glad that Frank Five is here because an educated man, I think, is needed to sit at the table as a

Speaker 2 to get his

Speaker 2 thoughts.

Speaker 2 It takes Walter a long time to summon up the word thoughts because we haven't gone come to college.

Speaker 2 What are your degrees in? You never did say.

Speaker 5 Education. So I actually have.
What degrees in education? No, I have an associate's in an applied science. I have an associate's degree.
I have a bachelor's degree in education.

Speaker 5 And I have a master's degree in literacy.

Speaker 5 And then the PhD we're looking at is educational administration.

Speaker 2 So it's like you could be like a dean, a crusty old dean trying to squash the fun of

Speaker 2 super qualified to professor and raid this game show today. Could you imagine being a dean these days? Like the shit you got to deal with.
They're like, I saw someone in a mini sombrero, Professor 5.

Speaker 2 Or no, it would be Dr. 5 at that point.
And you're going to have to deal with that, man. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're going to have to deal with it.

Speaker 2 You're going to have to be out there patrolling the campus, making sure no one's appropriating anyone else's culture, that the low main is authentic. Only Chinese people are eating it.

Speaker 2 Will it snap back one day? Or is this the way the future is?

Speaker 2 No sombrero.

Speaker 5 I hope, this is just personal. I hope it snaps back someday.

Speaker 5 In my opinion, it's too much now.

Speaker 5 It really is.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 2 Let's get off that top before people shut off the show.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So the skull.

Speaker 2 So you look at it. Does this look like a real skull, do you? It does.
It does, right? It does.

Speaker 5 Yeah, it absolutely does. Okay.

Speaker 5 The weight of it feels like it's a skull. I mean, you look at the cracks and you could see the spongy material.

Speaker 5 It does. It looks like a skull.

Speaker 2 Right. So

Speaker 2 your educated guess is it's a real skull.

Speaker 5 My educated guess is it's a real skull.

Speaker 2 That's from a guy with a degree in literacy.

Speaker 2 I know that shit's on the up. As a man of science, though, do you put any weight? in the claims that Q made last week?

Speaker 5 It's hard because

Speaker 5 in science, because I used to, I taught science at the elementary school, and scientifically I would say no, but

Speaker 5 superstitious, I am superstitious, and I, you know, I wouldn't, I wouldn't be surprised

Speaker 2 to use one foot in science, one foot in superstition. Yeah,

Speaker 5 yeah. I mean, I wouldn't even touch it when it first came in.
Right. And now, I don't know.

Speaker 2 You've touched it a couple times now. Yeah.
Your first. Has it reached out to you?

Speaker 4 Is that why you're touching it?

Speaker 2 Does he touch it a lot, Ms. Five?

Speaker 2 Have you ever caught him in the throes of self-pleasure, Ms. Five? No?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 Something occurs to you, you say it. Yes, she just said, Did I answer okay? Yeah, yeah, you did.

Speaker 2 Well, yeah. Now, last week, Ry,

Speaker 2 you gave the skull $5 and you asked it to solve a dilemma. I did.

Speaker 2 Giddam gave it $5. It was my $5.

Speaker 2 And the skull rejected it. Or actually, Q rejected it.
Oh, I rejected. I didn't like that.
On behalf of the skull, you rejected it.

Speaker 2 I will just to give you an update: the skull has a place of honor in my house.

Speaker 2 It's on a shelf by itself. I have candles next to it.
And following the advice of several aunts online, I have put a ring of salt around it.

Speaker 2 Salt. What does the salt do? They were saying that that will keep

Speaker 2 slugs away? No.

Speaker 2 I mean, I guess

Speaker 2 it added to us. on

Speaker 2 Ash vs. Evil Dead.
They did the same thing. They put a circle of salt around Pablo.
Maybe that's where they got it from.

Speaker 2 What kind of salt was it? It's sea salt. Okay.
It was sea salt.

Speaker 2 Regular salt works. I only

Speaker 2 sugar or salt? Salt. Salt.

Speaker 2 And I have.

Speaker 2 House is infested with insects now.

Speaker 2 Also, I gave it a little shot,

Speaker 2 a little shot glass next to it, and I've put some whiskey in it. Is this Joe Bu?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I don't know if I'm going to...

Speaker 2 Give the first shot of whiskey. I don't know.
He's doing

Speaker 2 every cliche in movies.

Speaker 2 Put some garlic cloves up.

Speaker 2 They are cliches for a reason.

Speaker 2 It has continued to help me with

Speaker 2 things.

Speaker 2 Still bringing you clarity. Right now we have a good relationship going.

Speaker 2 So I'm good, but I've been treating it with respect. I don't know how these guys have been faring.
Brian, would you now

Speaker 2 you don't know? Is it against the rules to tell us what the problem you asked to be solved was?

Speaker 2 Or would you even be able to? Is it too personal? No, it's not personal. I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't know. You're the caretaker.
Yeah, I don't know the rules, dude. I don't know anything.
Everything I know about the skull, I told you last week.

Speaker 2 Do you want to, before, do you want to, like I said, there was a game changer about the skull that came in this week.

Speaker 2 Do you want to read in, do you want Brian to tell what happened to him in the past seven days, or would you rather hear

Speaker 2 what I've discovered about the skull in the past seven days? So you've got research on the skull? I've got somebody who supplied me with research on the skull. I mean, I got to know.

Speaker 2 I got to know what it is. Somebody knew about the skull? Someone emailed me.

Speaker 2 Fuck, man, I'm getting so many emails. I'm ready to fucking.

Speaker 2 Mentioning that you're the fucking skull out of your face. Oh, my God.
And not only that. But if you're dumb, the skull is cool.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to be

Speaker 2 nice. But if I get one more email telling me that someone's not going to listen to the show anymore based on blank, blank, blank.
Right. And get them.

Speaker 2 I'm going to just, I'm just,

Speaker 2 I'm just going to, you're going to get back a nasty email. Oh, really? Starting now.
But I don't even think you should do that because then people are going to want the nasty emails.

Speaker 2 I think you should just. Not the nasty emails I'm going to send.
Really? Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And it's going to be... People are, you know, because they are being,

Speaker 2 on one hand, they're being polite and being like, you know, they're throwing in that preface of like, I love the show, but. Right.

Speaker 2 So then it's hard to be like, to be like, you know, just be

Speaker 2 cruel

Speaker 2 and dismissive. Right.
But I'm going to have to start now.

Speaker 2 Unless it's about the skull. Okay.

Speaker 2 So what did they say about the skull?

Speaker 2 What didn't they say about the skull? First off, I got an email here that is,

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 it goes on and on

Speaker 2 and on.

Speaker 2 Is it signed Declan?

Speaker 2 Why? Because he's constantly writing these. Well, he used to write these emails until I called him out on it.

Speaker 2 Do you want to hear just?

Speaker 2 I mean, it is. You got highlights?

Speaker 2 I mean, you want to just hear a little bit of some of what somebody wrote in to you? Well, right. Okay, well, what's yeah, because I got to know what sort of information we got here.

Speaker 2 Longtime listener of TSD, never had a reason to reach out to you guys before, but after listening to the last overkill, I had to write in. I'm worried that Q,

Speaker 2 I'm worried that the horse has left the barn already, but I figured if you guys are informed, it would be better.

Speaker 2 Without giving my name away, I am of Prussian

Speaker 2 descent.

Speaker 2 We got a Prussian on our hands here, boys.

Speaker 2 How do you know?

Speaker 2 Dave, official Prussian. How do you know if you're from, you have relatives from Prussia?

Speaker 2 Well, it's a region, right? I thought it was a fake land. No.
No. It was a region before.
They're comprised of like a bunch of different countries. It was huge.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 So most likely everybody may be a descendant from Prussia, right? Well, not everyone, no, just people in that specific

Speaker 2 country. But you might know somebody from from Prussia.
What's that? You might know somebody from Prussia who's got Prussian relatives.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like somewhere in their bloodline, sure. Well, the Germans was part of Prussia.
The Russians, Czechoslovakians, I think Sweden was a couple more. Transylvania, I believe I read, was part of it.

Speaker 2 That's real, too?

Speaker 2 Transylvania, yeah. That's a real Transylvania.
Although it's part of something else now, right?

Speaker 2 Bram Stroker made that up. Yep.
Nope. And I know something about the kissing devil.
Why do people think we're dumb?

Speaker 2 Tired of it.

Speaker 2 Sick of it.

Speaker 2 I mean, I'm sick of the fucking emails. I really am.
And

Speaker 2 some longtime listeners got spanked, and I hated to do it. Really? Yeah, but I just, too many emails telling what they want TSD to be.

Speaker 2 You think over the years they would have picked up that that doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 I hated to do it, but you know, but and lose longtime listeners, but it had to be done. But anyway, back to to the skull.

Speaker 2 How do you feel, Giddam?

Speaker 2 Single-handedly responsible.

Speaker 2 I know something about the kissing devil. And if Quinn somehow acquired the skull,

Speaker 2 and if Quinn somehow acquired the skull, it disappeared some years back, then it could be

Speaker 2 some trouble. for anybody who comes into contact with it.
Uh-oh.

Speaker 2 Please understand if my grandparents and people from that generation were still around, I would have to say I'd have way more information for you than I have.

Speaker 2 I have heard the story of the kissing devil many times from my grandmother, but it's been years since the last telling.

Speaker 2 Unfortunately, these things that terrify the older generations just don't seem scary under a modern light. And I think that might be to

Speaker 2 our,

Speaker 2 which would, I don't know, be, I'll be, not our,

Speaker 2 but like

Speaker 2 your peril.

Speaker 2 I never took my grandmother and her stories as anything more than ghost stories. But she insisted that the kissing devil was real and that his skull was a powerful item, capable of help

Speaker 2 and hurting.

Speaker 2 Here are the details I can recall. Some of the finer points might be lost, but I'm fairly positive I know the broad strokes.
Jesus Christ, this is one for both motherfuckers. Look at that.

Speaker 2 It goes on and on. Jesus Christ, man.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 I think he's in the Horror Writers Association, the way he wrote a book about this.

Speaker 2 Definitive answers, yada, yada, yada.

Speaker 2 Hundreds of years ago, there was a village in Prussia. Wait, wait, wait, wait, shut up, shut up, wait a minute.
Hundreds of years ago, there was a village in Prussia.

Speaker 2 The exact location, I do not know, but my grandparents came from an area in what is now part of Poland.

Speaker 2 As this was before the Internet. No, Poland was part of Prussia.

Speaker 2 He says, and this person writes, as this was before the internet, quote unquote, obviously. So it's kind of.

Speaker 2 Did you write this, Frank Five? Because this

Speaker 2 sounds like a thesis, right?

Speaker 2 And because the story is so specific, I assume that she must have heard the story because it happened in that region, but that is an educated guess on my part.

Speaker 2 The Prussian devil's name, do you want to know the name? He's got a name?

Speaker 2 Was

Speaker 2 Wilheim von Hogwats or Hogwitz? Wilhelm von Hogwash? Or probably just Wilheim. Hogwarts.
Hogwitz.

Speaker 2 Sounds like he was from

Speaker 2 like he fucking was in a school about witchcraft. This skull.

Speaker 2 His name was Wilheim? Wilhelm. I think, right?

Speaker 2 You want to take over reading this, Bri? Well, maybe Frank Five should.

Speaker 2 Should

Speaker 2 do you know anything about ancient languages, Frank Five? No. Pick up where it says

Speaker 2 the name Wilheim.

Speaker 5 Or possibly just Wilheim Hogwitz. He was born to a widow named Goebel Hogwits, who was accused of consorting with the devil himself.

Speaker 5 The town considered her a sort of witch, but were too afraid to make a move against her. When Wilhelm was born, he was massively deformed.

Speaker 5 Grandmother never went deep into the exact nature of his deformities, but at times she had mentioned gnarled limbs, bleeding skin, horns, a sealed mouth that had to be cut open each morning, boils, and the like.

Speaker 5 Again, whatever embellishments my grandmother made, it was clear that the child was odd-looking. Wilhelm was raised.

Speaker 2 Wait, is this Gidham or the

Speaker 2 devil's skull?

Speaker 2 I gotta cut his mouth open every morning. The first thing before we turn is the lock on his head.
He comes over and I slice out a box of butterflies.

Speaker 2 Holy fuck. Yeah.

Speaker 5 I mean, this is like, it's like 14 pages.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 This came in the middle of the night. Did you read the whole thing? Of course.

Speaker 2 How do you feel having read the whole thing?

Speaker 2 I believe it is

Speaker 2 the amount. You know what really struck me about it, which really kind of made me rethink everything, was the length of it.

Speaker 2 How much there was in it. How much information was.

Speaker 2 You know, they could have just said, I know a lot about it

Speaker 2 and given me, like they said, broad strokes, but they did not want to give broad strokes. They want to give

Speaker 2 painfully detailed information.

Speaker 2 I mean, they cut off his head, they put him on a spike.

Speaker 2 This is a game changer for me, because I believe that now there may be something more to the skull than initially I thought. So, wait, if they put it on a spike, wouldn't there be a hole in it then?

Speaker 2 Well, we don't know because the bottom is

Speaker 2 covered. And that's why.
Rumor and legend placed the skull in various places through the years. There was a reporter,

Speaker 2 it was a report it was brought to Tibet at one point to be destroyed by monks,

Speaker 2 but they failed disastrously.

Speaker 4 Brought it to Pennsylvania.

Speaker 2 A shaman in India was turned to copper when he attempted to crush it. I heard a rumor once who was buried for 20 years in a field in England.
I heard that George Washington had it in his possession.

Speaker 2 Doesn't he sound like he's a C student in an English language course?

Speaker 2 It sounds like a story of Bobo on a discussion. Oh, the Nazi Party was said to have it.
There we go, bringing that boy into it.

Speaker 2 That's where I really, that's where my ears perked up and my eyes got wider, and I was, and the chill went down my spine. Did you shepherd? Yeah, there's a lot of information here.

Speaker 2 The thing is, Wilhelm von Hogwits was a real guy who killed an eight people. He left Bloody Kiss Prince.
His skull was considered a cursed item, a great, great

Speaker 2 powers.

Speaker 2 I mean, this is

Speaker 2 the good part.

Speaker 2 It's a lot of information.

Speaker 5 Holy shit.

Speaker 2 You should post it. I'm good.
Wait, wait.

Speaker 2 This is interesting.

Speaker 4 Now, did it mention anything about the $5?

Speaker 2 First, they attempted to kill him by hunting him like an animal. This is back when he was alive.
Scores of men died and were eaten before, so he ate people, but they changed tactics.

Speaker 2 It soon became apparent that if a person, usually a woman, had left a gift

Speaker 2 of some sort for Wilhelm?

Speaker 2 Wilhelm. Wilhelm in the woods, he would spare their family members his wrath.

Speaker 2 Most of the time, a gift was enough to buy Wilhelm's favor and shift his murder's revenge to someone who refused to pay tribute. It went on for years this way.

Speaker 2 This tiny village forced to give gifts to this deformed murderer who lived in the dark woods and could strike at any time.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 I replied to the email. What did they get back to you? No reply.
I asked them if they were if they were

Speaker 2 still

Speaker 2 I asked if

Speaker 2 this person would be interested in calling in or, you know, know,

Speaker 2 I don't know what part of the world they're in, but even possibly sitting in.

Speaker 2 Let me just read one more piece to you, Professor, before you pass judgment on this. Okay.

Speaker 2 Towards the wrap-up here, he's saying, I say all this with a caveat. I mean, there's a lot of information.
But the caveat that I have no way of knowing if that actually is Wilhelm von Hogwarts' skull.

Speaker 2 I've never heard of the metal face mask on it, and I'm not sure I've ever heard tell of any permanent decorations carved into the skull.

Speaker 2 It was my impression that any binding or expulsion symbols on it were done in dye and blood. So there's even a fucking reason for this shit now.
It was my impression.

Speaker 2 No, however, there are hundreds of years of history at play here, and literally anything could have been done to the skull as it passed from Onona. This is where it gets interesting.

Speaker 2 For me, I find this a little gratifying. One thing that does intrigue, that does have me intrigued, is the old shopkeeper who died.
How did he even know about Wilhelm at all?

Speaker 2 It's a very old local legend, one that isn't well known for various reasons. I can't imagine what benefit this man gained by using that specific/slash obscure legend to display in his shop.

Speaker 2 I can't even figure out how he knew the story at all times, unless maybe he says it actually is Wilhelm's skull, and this man didn't truly understand what he had on his hands.

Speaker 2 If this is Wilhelm's skull, it seems unlikely we'll ever learn how it ended up in that shop. It might be helpful if Quinn went back and asked how long it.
Wow.

Speaker 2 I mean, there's like five pages here, minimum.

Speaker 2 What is that?

Speaker 2 I'm going to go on. I'm now ready to say it's real.
Really? A full turnaround? 180. Because of an ant, because of an informed ant.

Speaker 2 I mean, what better ant to take a word on than an informed ant.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 It is kind of lumpy on one side and not the other. You see it, right?

Speaker 2 Oh, man. This motherfucker ate people, huh? I'm periscoping them right now.
Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 All right. There he is.
I'm going to take that and I'm going to revive.

Speaker 2 Do we still have the login for the old Tellum Steve Dave blog that hasn't been updated in five years?

Speaker 2 Since I wrote a fable.

Speaker 2 Do you even still own the site? We do because

Speaker 2 I have it on

Speaker 2 my bookmarks, and every once in a while I'll go look at it. And I think it's

Speaker 2 hold on.

Speaker 2 Somebody's saying the skull looks fake. Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 4 So the telemstdate.blogspot.com.

Speaker 2 It's tell him SD.

Speaker 2 Tell him SD. WordPress.com.
I'll forward you to email you. Forward me the email.
I will put it up in its entirety on the blog and we'll let people. Wow.

Speaker 2 I didn't want to. I mean, I got it a couple of days ago, but I didn't want to spoil it for you.
I wanted to tell you on air.

Speaker 2 Get your phone away from that mic.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 What happened over

Speaker 2 here

Speaker 2 in the seven days since you

Speaker 2 gave the skull five bucks? Did anything happen? Any kind of revelation, or is it just business as usual?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 What I asked the skull for

Speaker 2 worked out.

Speaker 2 Really? Yes.

Speaker 2 Within

Speaker 2 today would be the seventh day, right, that we recorded last Friday?

Speaker 2 Or Thursday. I don't know.
Or Thursday? No, you're not going to be able to do it. No, last Thursday was Thanksgiving, right?

Speaker 2 No, we are

Speaker 2 last Friday.

Speaker 2 Oh, Friday, seven days. Right.
So by Thursday, it had rectified itself.

Speaker 2 And not only that,

Speaker 2 but I've gotten a message from a girl, she remains nameless, who says that the skull has been

Speaker 2 sending her visions of she and I

Speaker 2 involved in animalistic passion. Really? Coitis?

Speaker 2 Yeah, very quick flashes, visions.

Speaker 2 I knew it. I've been getting those visions too.
Have you?

Speaker 2 Of you having sex with her.

Speaker 2 We've got to destroy that skull.

Speaker 2 Really? That throughout the day, yeah, she gets a weird vibe, and then all of a sudden, no matter what she's doing, it's just a very quick

Speaker 2 she welcomes these visions. She's happy with them,

Speaker 2 is she unhappy with the visions?

Speaker 2 We'll be attending her funeral.

Speaker 2 I don't know. She didn't say if she was happy or sad about it.
It was more of like matter-of-fact.

Speaker 2 She's just matter-of-fact, like, oh, yeah, I've been having visions, too.

Speaker 2 Well, I mean, she wasn't like, oh, I'm so ecstatic. Like, since I can't be with you in real life, this is the next best thing.

Speaker 2 And she also wasn't like, I'm fashioning a noose. But what did you ask the skull, though? I asked the skull to help me with a certain issue with transportation.

Speaker 2 I needed to get somewhere and I wasn't sure how I was going to do it and then it presented itself

Speaker 2 without any work on my part. I'm just trying so hard to believe this, but you're telling me, you're telling me, though, that you

Speaker 2 asked the skull. Yeah, I was just saying you asked the skull how to get somewhere.
I'm going to start.

Speaker 2 Not like map questions. No, not to get somewhere.
Or how to like, should I take a car? Should I take a plane? Should I take a train? I mean, how many forms of transportation are there?

Speaker 2 He sounds negative again, doesn't it? No, but I want to. I just came

Speaker 2 off that email, I'm like, yes, this could be real. And now you're just, now you're giving me the most mundane question.

Speaker 2 Because I asked, starting out low, like the bar was low. I figured if that works, then I'll go higher and higher.

Speaker 2 And now I find out that this girl says that it's sending vibrations thousands of miles away.

Speaker 2 In the middle of the day, just all of a sudden she'll get struck. It feels like,

Speaker 2 you know, that

Speaker 2 before lightning's about to strike.

Speaker 2 Tingles? Yeah, she's like, I think of a ghost.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like a little tingling, and then all of a sudden, boom,

Speaker 2 like a quick flash of

Speaker 2 me taking her, like Dracula would take one of the brides.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, it's like that's a nice analogy. I like that.
All right, I got your back.

Speaker 2 I'm back on track.

Speaker 2 But I still don't understand, though. What was the, what was it, how do, Skull, how do I go to, how do I get from point A to point B? Point A to point B was going to be a problem.

Speaker 2 So you weren't asking for how to do it. You were just asking for a solution to present itself

Speaker 2 for a solution to present itself. And the solution presented itself.

Speaker 2 He found a set of car keys.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but if you asshole,

Speaker 2 you're so fucking nice.

Speaker 2 This guy.

Speaker 2 You're on fucking Twitter talking about cheeseburgers.

Speaker 2 So you're sorry. I'm going to ask you for something bigger this week, and then next week I'll reveal what happened because this week is real big.

Speaker 2 Okay, so really? So this is the reason why you weren't able to get it? Me finding a ride

Speaker 2 is nothing compared to what I got to ask him for now.

Speaker 2 Would this be the reason why you weren't able to attend the Boys Night Out last night? Yes. We had a Boys Night Out queue and Big Bry fucking.
I had to bet.

Speaker 2 You know why. I know why.

Speaker 2 It's pretty bad.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's pretty bad.
It's pretty bad. And if it has to be big and bad for you to miss Boy's Night Out, man.
Right. I would never miss a night out with you on Sunday and get him.

Speaker 2 No, Sunday didn't go. Oh, he didn't even go? No.
So who went? Did you and get him? Mike. Ming.
Ming.

Speaker 2 Rocking, bro. Mike was there? I didn't.
I fell asleep.

Speaker 2 Did you see me fall asleep? Was that before after all that change fell out of your pockets?

Speaker 2 Wait, was it in the restaurant when you were eating pizza with him or

Speaker 2 during the movie when the lights were down?

Speaker 2 It was while I was driving there.

Speaker 2 He's like,

Speaker 2 another thing about Green Acre you're going to want to remember is, you know, the person that played the mailman in the second season.

Speaker 2 You know, it was a one-off short, but.

Speaker 2 Let's aim for a treat.

Speaker 2 I wish I'd given the kissing dental skull five bucks to handle my transportation.

Speaker 2 So what happened? So what's the question? What's the problem that you're going to present to the skull tonight?

Speaker 2 Or can you tell us?

Speaker 2 I can't say ahead of time. I'll tell you next week.
Oh, so you can't even tell us why you missed the Boys Night Out?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 You told me I'll tell you tomorrow on the show, you said. Yeah, I was going to, but I think since I didn't tell anyone prior,

Speaker 2 the last time and it worked out, I'm going to give them the five stitches. Yeah, I'm going to stick with what worked.
Okay. Can't always do that.

Speaker 2 And then I'll tell you next week if it didn't work and I fucking smashed the skull.

Speaker 2 Don't say that shit, dude.

Speaker 2 Stop just getting around.

Speaker 2 Dude, there are girls fucking like getting zapped between their legs with electric bolts next to this skull. Right.
Thinking of me on top of him. He's a deformed

Speaker 2 crushing cannibal murderer.

Speaker 2 And you're messing with him? Yeah, I would have messed with him.

Speaker 2 Did Did you even ask that? Was there a kind of like, and also can you make this girl have visions of me? No, no, this came from the girls. Ravaging her.

Speaker 2 That was just an added gift from the skull. Yeah, but can you make girls dream about me raping them? Is there any chance of that?

Speaker 2 Make it so they like it? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they like

Speaker 2 it. It's a whole rape fantasy thing.
It's not like, I mean, I don't want to get put in jail or anything. Skull.
What you got to understand is like, look, you're old.

Speaker 2 There's a whole PC climate going on right now.

Speaker 2 In In Prussia, you could get away with that, Skull.

Speaker 2 I wish I was born when you were around Skull.

Speaker 2 If I was like the Prussian Chasing Devil's cousin,

Speaker 2 how sweet it would have been

Speaker 2 Brian Von Johnson.

Speaker 2 Right now, I mean, the climate. You don't even want to hear about it, Skull.

Speaker 2 So you can say, without a doubt,

Speaker 2 you are pleased with the results

Speaker 2 over the course of the past seven days. Yes.
Can we ask them? Well, yes, the results with what I asked. Can we ask him if he had any

Speaker 2 negative effects from dissing the skull over the course of the last seven days? Of course.

Speaker 4 I mean, I think the only real negative thing is I thought my gout was starting to flare back up, but it went right back away.

Speaker 2 So nothing so far. All right.
So it's a cyst gun. What about X? No, the cyst is still there.
So, I mean,

Speaker 2 so how can you say things are still great? Yeah.

Speaker 2 What's the status quo? I'm still disfigured.

Speaker 2 Do you remember what you asked the skull to help with last week? Yes. And did that change?

Speaker 4 No, not really, I don't think.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Can you reveal tonight? Since Brian kind of revealed, can you give us any kind of vague, just as vague? Well, the problem with this is his life is so bad.

Speaker 2 Like, what could the skull do to him at this point?

Speaker 2 It would make it worse.

Speaker 2 Spoilers would be an improvement.

Speaker 2 All right. Would you be able to tell us what you were asking for?

Speaker 2 Did it clear up or did it not clear clear up?

Speaker 4 I was looking for the same clarity that it bestowed upon Q.

Speaker 2 And it didn't do it.

Speaker 2 It didn't happen. It did not do it.
Do you want to try again without making fun of it, giving it to five and see what happens?

Speaker 2 Well, I mean,

Speaker 2 you had to have a better week than Brian. You got to go out on the boys' night out.

Speaker 4 I did go out on the boys' night out.

Speaker 2 I got my double cheeseburger.

Speaker 4 They let me return some batteries that I installed in my truck.

Speaker 2 He went and brought batteries, and he returned the batteries and got a full refund for them. Yeah.
What? because they were pretty big. No, they weren't fine.
It was I need a new alternator.

Speaker 2 You got that 63 cents back. That's good.

Speaker 2 $267.

Speaker 2 What is it?

Speaker 4 It was the car batteries, $267.

Speaker 2 Okay. He returned dead batteries

Speaker 2 for brand new ones. Right.
That's pretty good. Wait, you tricked him?

Speaker 4 No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 4 They were installed, but they're not allowed to give you a refund if they've been installed. But the guy just looked at him, lifted up the cast, and said, yeah, just give him the money.

Speaker 2 Are you sure it wasn't? He just looked at you and said, just give him the money.

Speaker 2 All right. So thank you.
Look, man, I'm telling you, it's been working for me so far. I do think I'm going to take you up on your idea of housing it in the stash.
Oh, really?

Speaker 2 Yeah, because two of the cats. I'll make a spot for it right there.

Speaker 4 You have me in charge of giving it whiskey?

Speaker 2 No, I put the salt around it. Here's the thing: two of the cats are fine, but the youngest cat is fucking freaked out by it.

Speaker 2 She won't go near it. She hits it.

Speaker 2 Like I said, I will treat it with the same level of care and respect that you have because that email, like I said, is

Speaker 2 that makes me think that there could be something more to it.

Speaker 2 And if Brian's willing to go,

Speaker 2 a man of reason is willing to say he's a little worried too, then

Speaker 2 who am I to poo-poo it? All right. I will say this: somebody did what I asked them not to do and mailed in $5

Speaker 2 to give to the skull. Guys,

Speaker 2 I feel very uncomfortable taking ants' monies to give to the skull.

Speaker 2 You may feel that way, but since I am now going to be housing the skull,

Speaker 2 I'm a little loose with the rules about sending money in.

Speaker 2 You're the kissing skull comptroller.

Speaker 2 If you have to,

Speaker 2 I don't know. I'm not going to say no,

Speaker 2 but I'm not saying I don't think it's a good idea either. But if they come in, you know.
Don't you have a responsibility, though, to now put the... I'm going to do it.
This is what they wanted.

Speaker 2 We'll put it in the glass case. We'll put the $5 underneath it, and that's where the $5 will stay.
Okay. And we'll hear back from them.

Speaker 2 What will be the rules regarding what they want to ask it?

Speaker 2 We don't know the rules.

Speaker 4 Do we destroy it after so many days?

Speaker 2 Money? No, with the requests that they send in. Oh, I don't know, dude.
What was the request on the paper there? I don't want to say. I don't want to say.
I don't know if that's an appropriate thing.

Speaker 2 So I'm going to give it to the skull.

Speaker 2 There we go. And then I don't know what to do with it now, though.
We'll put it in a case. Yeah.
All right.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and with it with the Illuminati letters. All right.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. I've seen some tweets about the

Speaker 2 mystery box thing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I saw that too. And

Speaker 2 that

Speaker 2 just shows you

Speaker 2 how small

Speaker 2 a human brain is.

Speaker 2 They truly believe that, like,

Speaker 2 they truly can't see past the forest through the trees and be like, of course, there are

Speaker 2 these websites that do stuff like that. They're put in place to make you think that this shit's not real.
Okay. They're not thinking laterally, is the problem.
Seems to happen a lot to you guys.

Speaker 2 So it's like, it's like decoys out there. Yeah, I mean, it's like,

Speaker 2 obviously,

Speaker 2 the other one didn't come from that place. Maybe the one from the one, the

Speaker 2 Western Union one. The one trading.
But the one with the Dakota message, that did not come from. Oh, no, not that one.
That one definitely did not come from. That was the Dr.
Leonard

Speaker 2 and the other lady.

Speaker 2 Well, Frank, before we move on, what is your educated opinion on this? Having heard all the stories, that legend, which we sort of blasted over because it's so fucking long.

Speaker 5 I'm telling you, looking at the skull and hearing the stuff that's coming true,

Speaker 5 I kind of believe it a little bit. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 If I had five bucks, I'd probably give it to it.

Speaker 2 Did you have to dissect animals to get any of your degrees? No. No? No.

Speaker 2 But he did have enough.

Speaker 2 He's like, do prostitutes count as animals?

Speaker 2 All right, so

Speaker 2 starting next week, I'll bring it back next week. I want to do one one thing, and I got the base at home.
This will be on display here at the stand. Oh, you're not leaving it tonight?

Speaker 2 I do want to take it home and clean it up just a little bit. It's got some stuff on it, and I don't want to leave it here.
You got some stuff on it. What the fuck, dude?

Speaker 2 Like, what the fuck is up with this guy? This is why you're all. He gets one double cheeseburger, and he fucking

Speaker 2 thinks he owns the world.

Speaker 2 See, I would think that even if you don't believe in this thing, get him, which I understand,

Speaker 2 you would appreciate it for a fucking almost like a flea market oddity.

Speaker 2 Like, but you're totally like being an asshole about it. That was his high school nickname.

Speaker 2 That's like, all I want to do is clean it up a little bit for the display. And you're laughing.

Speaker 4 No, I'm just saying, I've always learned that, you know, cleaning up something is never good for it.

Speaker 2 It's kind of. Oh, yeah.
Well, you know what? You know what? Get them? They say that on

Speaker 2 Pawn Stars. Or Antiques Roadshow.
The patina. The patina would be good if the patina was still on it.
I saw one,

Speaker 4 they had this beautiful, it was like an armois, and the wife was like, oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was ugly, so I cleaned it.
And the lady was like, well, left unclean, it was worth $250,000.

Speaker 4 Since you restored it,

Speaker 2 about the money, though. I just want to make sure that it's...

Speaker 4 But you don't know what modern cleaning chemicals can do to something that possibly old.

Speaker 2 Right. Okay.
I'll think about it. All right.
Let's, let's, let's move on. I'll post that thing that that person sent on the thing.

Speaker 2 On the blog. The blog, which I got to find the login information.

Speaker 2 All right. Professor Five, are you afraid that

Speaker 2 your appearances on Telmell's TV Day could come back to haunt you? Because the littlest thing sometimes could come back to bite an educator.

Speaker 5 No, I've said it from the very beginning. I've always been very honored to be able to be a part of this and very proud.
And I have pictures.

Speaker 2 You would gladly lose your job over this.

Speaker 2 I was supposed to work today and I drove down here.

Speaker 4 Nice. Reason for taking off the podcast.

Speaker 2 No, I didn't even tell anybody. I just left.

Speaker 2 And what about you, Mrs. 5? Could you lose your position

Speaker 2 for associating with necromancers such as BQ and the kissing skull? No, I don't think so. No? You're all right? I think I'm good.
Okay.

Speaker 2 All right. All right.
Well, before we get into anything else, I keep hearing shit about fucking sponsors. So let's do something real fast.
All right. An ad real quick? Yeah, we'll do an ad.

Speaker 2 Let me see what we got here before we get into this other thing. Tipsy elves.

Speaker 2 Oh, wait, did we do tipsy elves? Yeah, no, we've never done tipsy elves. Oh, man, I got a bunch of tipsy elves stuff.
Did you?

Speaker 2 You'll be seeing it on stage at the Impractical Jokers Christmas time shows. Really? Yeah, they sent some fun stuff, man.

Speaker 2 Tipsy Elves, Walt. Everyone needs an ugly Christmas sweater this time of year.
Now, if you want bragging rights for the most talked-about sweater at your Christmas parties, listen up.

Speaker 2 So, can I assume that Christmas time is the same as Thanksgiving with all these family family gatherings?

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 you have to, you know, you've got to wear a sweater, probably. So you may want to shop at Tipsy Ells there, Professor Five, and get an ugly.
It could be uglier than anyone else's sweater.

Speaker 2 And wouldn't that be something to be proud of about and boast?

Speaker 2 There's all new 2016 sweaters you won't find anywhere else. Hundreds of Christmas sweater designs.
Nothing like you've ever seen before. They're not for the faint of heart.
Whatever that means.

Speaker 2 They're all about fun, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 2 Adult onesies, they have.

Speaker 2 For men, interactive sweaters, beer, pong, cornhole. Hey, Mike and Ming, there you go.
And Christmas suits. I don't know what cornhole means.

Speaker 4 It's that game to throw the bean bags.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay. All right.

Speaker 2 It's a fun game. All right.
So, Mike and Ming, take your bean bags and go play some cornhole.

Speaker 2 For women,

Speaker 2 ball bags.

Speaker 2 holiday leggings, sweater dresses and pajamas. Like a good sweater dress.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And we have a tipsy elves model. Because

Speaker 2 I didn't want a sweater, so

Speaker 2 I gave my sweater to Jordan Monsanto Muse. Ah.
Right?

Speaker 2 So as soon as she gets her sweater, she's going to be modeling it for us. Nice.
Did Muse know? Does he approve this? Fuck Muse. What's he going to do?

Speaker 2 We will crush him under the weight of the fucking tell him Steve Dave Hammer.

Speaker 2 Little asshole. Try to take our model away.
Well, fucking take your kid away, too, Muse. Just keep your mouth shut.

Speaker 2 Stick her in a sweater.

Speaker 2 Angry.

Speaker 2 Muse doesn't know. She used to be a model, though, Jordan.
I can believe it.

Speaker 2 I can totally believe it. She's beautiful.
So

Speaker 2 she's going to know what to do. She's going to know all the poses.

Speaker 2 Right now, you get 20% off twittipsyelves.com on anything you order on the site. So go get the ugly Christmas sweater

Speaker 2 so you can wear it to the party and you're going to be a big hit and everyone will define you by your sweater. And,

Speaker 2 you know, you can start a whole new life with this personality you've developed wearing a fucking sweater.

Speaker 2 Enter the code TESD checkout to get your 20%

Speaker 2 site-wide discount. That's tipsyelves.com.
And our code T-E-S-D.

Speaker 2 All right, Walt. Ready.
All right.

Speaker 2 Fuck. Just lost somebody.
Oh, you

Speaker 2 said you were ready, man. I'm ready.

Speaker 2 So I got an email. Like, I keep getting emails, but this was a good one, email, though, from a listener who, remember, I said.
This isn't like you're stupid or

Speaker 2 get ready to get them.

Speaker 2 This one was actually a suggestion that I'm going to

Speaker 2 take.

Speaker 2 He

Speaker 2 suggested a new name for the game, this new game we're going to play. Remember, it was called Impressing the Prof?

Speaker 2 Right. You thought long and hard about that one.
I'm surprised to see you give it up so readily.

Speaker 2 But he said that he suggested the name Professor Impressor.

Speaker 2 Professor Impressor. Right there, that's a catchy name, Q, for television, right?

Speaker 2 Professor Impressor. Professor Impressor.
I like it because you've created basically like an alternate reality, an alternate history game show. Yes.
Yeah, it's pretty cool. And that to me

Speaker 2 should love it. So here's the

Speaker 2 just in a nutshell, the premise of the game. Contestants try to impress a panel of three real professors for tonight's

Speaker 2 example game for a Simi.

Speaker 2 This is just that we only have one professor. Because we've only found one professor in six years

Speaker 2 with their hypotheses regarding twisted timeline scenarios.

Speaker 2 But while they're giving their presentations, a visual distraction is going on beside them while they deliver their thesis to the professors.

Speaker 2 So, for an example, like

Speaker 2 we don't want, we're not going to have a visual distraction here tonight, but if you could, but if maybe if Frank Five can think, we could come up with a visual distraction that would be going on, maybe

Speaker 2 he has to at least try to pretend that he's seeing it. Like, for me, I thought with this is kind of a combination of Jeopardy

Speaker 2 and like jackass or something. So, like I I thought we could have,

Speaker 2 like for the for the sizzle, if we do like a presentation for Simmy, like a 75 to 80-year-old woman dressed as a sexy cowgirl who sword swallows various phallic deli meats during the contestant's presentation.

Speaker 2 Something that the professor and you as the presenter have to see while you're trying to deliver your thesis to the professor.

Speaker 2 So, you're always like this weird, I mean, like a freaky visual distractions going on to get you.

Speaker 2 I'm with you halfway, halfway I'll tell you why I think it should be to throw off the presenter but the the professor doesn't he want to be paying attention the whole time as opposed to

Speaker 2 looking at some old hagged deep-throated kilbas

Speaker 2 well that's just an example like you we'll need new we'll need new freak diversions or distractions so it's not that every time

Speaker 2 people will grow tired of that

Speaker 2 but no that's the thing though that's where you as a presenter have to be so captivating with your presentation that you neutralize the cowgirl, the geriatric cowgirl. Right.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 That's going to take a strong level of charisma and captivation.

Speaker 2 Would you institute this in your class, do you think? This idea?

Speaker 2 Crediting Tim Steve Dave, of course.

Speaker 2 But also, Cube, I also think this is strong. I'm sorry, Frank, you didn't answer that.
But why I also think this is a strong premise for a game show is because I was talking to Frank.

Speaker 2 Giving an oral presentation like this

Speaker 2 is in the top three things that most people fear. Right.

Speaker 2 I mean, all over the world. This is one of the things that people fear.

Speaker 2 This is something that everybody can be like, oh, I couldn't do that.

Speaker 2 And now throw in all this stuff too, though. The cabasso.
Make it even harder.

Speaker 2 I thought I couldn't do it before. What are the other two?

Speaker 2 Things that people fear? Yes.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 that's up open for, you know, that's all, you know,

Speaker 2 subjective. But universal, though, it's.
Well, how the fuck do you know it's number three then if you don't know what number one and two are? No, it's always one of the top three things, though.

Speaker 2 The other two things seem to like

Speaker 2 probably like flying. Flip-flop.

Speaker 2 This would be public speaking. Yeah.
Okay. Now, but like when you give oral, death is up there? I think death is up there too, being afraid of dying.
Fear of dying? I'll look it up. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 I look forward to it.

Speaker 2 Let me look up

Speaker 2 top ten things people are afraid of. I'll look it up while we're talking.
All right, so Gidum. Yes, sir.
You've been chosen to go first.

Speaker 2 Now, Frank, you want to give the listeners what you'll be looking for tonight? Sure. I brought you.
Don't you think that

Speaker 2 you've gone through the

Speaker 2 steps of getting all these degrees that you should be addressed as

Speaker 2 Professor or Professor 5, not just casually Frank, by

Speaker 2 some person who couldn't even finish a one-credit class? He had mono. No, come on.

Speaker 2 I had a medical problem.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shame you.

Speaker 2 Kissing disease, the Persian kissing devil. You know,

Speaker 2 if Walt was going to get sick, it was either going to be from some weird food or from making out. Like, it's going to be one of the two things.
Fuck you.

Speaker 2 But while he's looking up, what are you going to be looking for tonight in terms of grading?

Speaker 5 So I actually have a scoring rubric that we use in the college classroom it will cover

Speaker 5 about six different things that i'll be looking for uh presence uh language skills organization mastery of the subject visual aids if anyone has them and the overall impression of the uh presentation and within each category there's subcategories as far as uh body language eye contact i thought eye contact was weird especially in this day and age that seems too hostile to Lee.

Speaker 2 Like, look at me, you get the best.

Speaker 2 You're like mad dogging them and shit. That seems like to college kids,

Speaker 2 that's crossing a line where

Speaker 2 you're like, you must look me in the eyes when you give this presentation. That's weird.

Speaker 2 You don't do that, do you?

Speaker 5 Yeah, I tell them that they should be. Well, because the people that are going to be coming to me are eventually going to go on into education as well.

Speaker 5 And it's important that they make that connection with their students.

Speaker 2 I got a hard time doing that.

Speaker 4 Is it like constant eye contact?

Speaker 5 No, it's not like freakishly staring at them.

Speaker 2 It's just glancing like a normal person. That's been my problem for years.

Speaker 2 That's from a bush.

Speaker 2 Young blinky guy in the camera. Getting his eyes poked out by holly leaves.

Speaker 2 And you have a numerical number there that you'll be awarding for each of these categories?

Speaker 5 Yeah, it goes from zero to five for each of the categories. And as the people are presenting, I will start

Speaker 5 tallying off or circling what number I believe they have earned.

Speaker 2 And Q, so far, what do you think? Television potential? Yeah, I think on television, this part would have to be simplified. I'm looking at one, two, three, four, five, six

Speaker 2 possible scoring things with underneath them a minimum of four each. But yeah, I like that.
I think just an overall score would be given by each judge. Like Olympic style.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but this is good. This is a good start.
And as always, Q, I didn't, I don't know if

Speaker 2 the

Speaker 2 like I said, this is for smart people, but also we have that freaky thing on the side to make it for people who just want to turn in just to be like,

Speaker 2 what are they going to do this week? For the stupids. Yeah.
Right, right, right.

Speaker 2 That's why we have Sal.

Speaker 2 So, Q, I mean, so, get him, you've been chosen to go first. People are the dummies.

Speaker 2 Let me get

Speaker 2 for those who weren't here last week, Your twisted timeline. Well, he's got it all printed out and everything.

Speaker 2 This isn't for me.

Speaker 2 But Gidam's twisted timeline was:

Speaker 2 what if the cotton gin

Speaker 2 was introduced into the Renaissance era? Right.

Speaker 2 What would the world look like then? And what will we look like now?

Speaker 2 Easily, I thought, the hardest.

Speaker 2 Definitely the driest. Yes.
Oh, really? I was like, this is going to be a roller coaster, I mean.

Speaker 2 can't wait to see where goodum brings i intentionally put him because because of all the hate he's been getting i wanted to put him in a i wanted to put him in a position to fucking blow to really earn it

Speaker 2 no i wanted him to blow some socks off some assholes who've been emailing me right on a consistent basis this is where i put you in this to just shut their fucking mouths once and for all because they say you're a know-it-all they say that you that you're a know-it-all who knows shit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I've seen that. You brag about your IQ and that they can't stand you.
Well, there's a chance right now

Speaker 2 to step up to home plate and fucking knock one out of the ballpark right now. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 2 I've only had a week to talk about something that, you know,

Speaker 2 like, what if this happened? Now, and also, now, since we don't have the visual distraction, we're going to go with oral distraction. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 2 Who has has to follow him?

Speaker 2 Well, Professor Five watches.

Speaker 2 That's a short straw for everyone.

Speaker 5 I don't know who loses on that one.

Speaker 2 No. Oh, I could tell you who loses.

Speaker 2 So make sure that when you are not just reading through your thing so fast, give us some pauses so that the Peanut Gallery is able to

Speaker 2 throw some distractions your way. Okay.
To take some pot shots, if you will. Okay.
At your presentation. Okay.

Speaker 2 So.

Speaker 2 Are you sure you don't want to give the skull anything before you start this?

Speaker 2 Ready to begin? Yep. I'm just going to step over here for a second.
You got to be on Mike, though. Where's he going?

Speaker 2 Give him his last.

Speaker 2 Come on, asshole. This is why nobody likes you.

Speaker 2 This is really why? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because it's always interference with the show. It's interference.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 Oh, he has visual presentations.

Speaker 2 Oh, he's got the cotton gin effect. The cotton gin effect.

Speaker 2 It's a picture of

Speaker 2 a sewing machine

Speaker 2 with the cotton gin

Speaker 2 imposed with a no, ghostbuster no symbol through the United States of America, Babe Ruth, and Adolf Hitler. Wow.

Speaker 2 So here are some handouts.

Speaker 2 Here's a syllabus. Wow.

Speaker 4 Here's some reference material as to what I'll be talking about tonight, which includes the Renaissance and what the cotton gin is.

Speaker 2 So. Begin.
Okay.

Speaker 4 The cotton gin effect basically states that if

Speaker 4 the mechanical cotton gin invented by James Eli Whitney

Speaker 4 was introduced in the Renaissance, we would not have Hitler, and also America would not be as we know it today. We would not have baseball.

Speaker 4 We would not have America.

Speaker 2 So, I mean, I think you're going to have to say a little bit more than that. Oh, he's waiting for you to throw some oral bars at him.
I know, but I mean, he said we wouldn't have America. I mean,

Speaker 2 so what am I going to say? Like, explain

Speaker 2 or whatever the other thing is.

Speaker 4 We would not have Babe Ruth because our national pastime would not be baseball.

Speaker 4 It would either be cricket or perhaps football, but not the one you're thinking of, the one that's spelled the wrong way.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 why?

Speaker 2 Because

Speaker 2 he's doing exactly what I told him. Right.

Speaker 2 He has to give us something to fucking work with.

Speaker 2 Not like we wouldn't have baseball. I'm supposed to fucking zig him after that.

Speaker 2 Can we work on his fucking presentation?

Speaker 2 It's four by five feet. It's basically, he's got a fucking piece of plywood up there.

Speaker 2 With two lightning bolts.

Speaker 2 He's taped a fucking regular piece of paper to it. Why couldn't you just tape the paper to the wall over there?

Speaker 2 Like, why do you have to do it? Or just show this to us.

Speaker 4 That was the only thing we had downstairs in the basement.

Speaker 2 But, like, right there is the wall.

Speaker 2 You propped it against the wall.

Speaker 4 Well, I want something hard for you because it's a soft piece of paper.

Speaker 2 He wanted something to impress the. The wall's not hard.

Speaker 2 But it's big.

Speaker 2 You wanted me to do this. You wanted me to roll the board.
Now you're arguing with me.

Speaker 2 But I intentionally told him to give you guys pauses so you could get in.

Speaker 2 All right, here I am. All right.
But DeBri was getting mad, though. I'm not really going after you.
I'm not getting mad.

Speaker 2 I'm just waiting for him to say something interesting so I could fucking go after it. Oh, you know what this thing is?

Speaker 2 It's one of the poster things. You sell posters when you like go.
Yeah, it's a poster, right? Will you be selling them?

Speaker 2 The cotton gin. Kidd will be selling his presentation, copies of his presentation papers.

Speaker 2 Signed by Giddam.

Speaker 2 Okay, so you're saying basically if the cotton gin was.

Speaker 4 The mechanical cotton gin as invented by Eli, invented and patented by Eli Whitney in 1793.

Speaker 2 I don't understand.

Speaker 2 I don't understand.

Speaker 2 He throws out something so fucking bombastic as no Hitler, no America, no Babe Bruth. And you guys are like, give me more.
How the fuck do you need more? You just threw something out there.

Speaker 2 That's just

Speaker 2 a lot of people.

Speaker 2 I'm waiting for him to explain why, so then we can go after the why. Of course, he made a fucking idiotic statement.

Speaker 2 It's not idiotic. But it has to be followed up with, like, okay, now here is why I think there would be no Hitler baseball or Bay Bruth or one of the sewing machines.

Speaker 2 Well, I mean, you're redundant anyway, because if you have no United States, then obviously you don't have Babe Ruth. Why not? So you've wasted everybody's fucking time.

Speaker 4 Babe Ruth would still be around, just like Hitler would still be around. But while Babe Ruth would not be a famous baseball player, Hitler himself would probably just be a house painter still.

Speaker 2 But according to this fucking thing, there is no United States.

Speaker 4 There's no United States with our American flag.

Speaker 2 And they were correct. The United States would not look like that.
What? Yeah, the United States would not look like that. He's right.

Speaker 2 What are you talking about?

Speaker 2 It would not look like what?

Speaker 4 It would not look like the United States that we're familiar with now.

Speaker 2 All right. Well, what's the deal with the mountain in the back?

Speaker 4 It's because it's on the mountaintop.

Speaker 2 His explanation is what I can fucking see.

Speaker 2 I think what he's trying to say is that

Speaker 2 introducing the cotton chin

Speaker 2 way earlier than it would be

Speaker 2 would change the world as we know it so much. You guys thought this was the craziest craziest concept, but it actually would be the con

Speaker 2 the one that changed the world the most. Okay, we're still waiting to fucking find out why, though.
Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Tell what Babe Ruth, but your guys are saying Babe Ruth would still be around, but what would he be famous in?

Speaker 2 Would he be the best one? But not be famous.

Speaker 2 Fucking cricket. I told you that.

Speaker 2 What are you talking about? You don't know. Now I know why Walt's upset.

Speaker 2 It's his

Speaker 2 project.

Speaker 2 You've got to find a better puppet, bro. You can just have this guy fucking mush-mouthing his way through your words.

Speaker 2 Why? What is a mountain? You still don't roll a mountain. A mountain has nothing to do with cotton.
You can't grow cotton on it. You can't find it.
Actually,

Speaker 4 cotton is very permissive in what it can grow in. Unlike tobacco, which has to be rotated every seven years.
It's permissive.

Speaker 4 Forgiving, if you will. Sorry.

Speaker 2 Let's let the professor mark him off for a second.

Speaker 2 Do you know Red Net?

Speaker 2 It's all out of ink. I need more pieces.

Speaker 2 Go ahead and let them speak.

Speaker 4 So while tobacco needs to be given, the fields need to be giving a rest every seven years, cotton can still be continued to grow even if there's barely any nutrients in the soil.

Speaker 2 But not at the fucking top of Mount Kilimanjaro. It's a soil.
It's symbolic. Yes.

Speaker 4 It's a gin. It's not a cotton plant.
It's the gin.

Speaker 2 So somebody's hauling the gin up to the top of the mountain to fucking separate the seeds. Isn't that the biggest fucking cotton gin in the world? It's not the size of the mountain.

Speaker 2 It's symbolic. All right, you got to ignore them now.
Okay.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 4 while handheld gins have been around since 500 AD, which was well before the Renaissance, as you can tell by your pamphlets,

Speaker 4 which is between the 14th and 17th century,

Speaker 4 what Eli Whitney did was

Speaker 4 he had mechanicized it.

Speaker 2 Or mechanized it. You know, he came around.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's going to cost you. That's going to cost you, get him.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 4 He wasn't the first, though.

Speaker 2 He's not from America anymore, so he's using some sort of fucking Eastern European accent.

Speaker 4 Indian Kottengins had used a worm gear since about 1621.

Speaker 4 But what Eli Whitney did was, again, he mechanized it. Stop throwing dates out.

Speaker 2 I told you, that's boring.

Speaker 2 A lot of good stuff.

Speaker 4 So if the Kottengin had been introduced earlier in the Renaissance period,

Speaker 4 before he invented some, let's say, like 200 years, it would probably actually prevent, not actually prevent the War of Independence, but have pushed it earlier, or trying to get independent from Britain.

Speaker 2 Wait, how?

Speaker 4 Because moving on.

Speaker 2 No, no.

Speaker 2 He has an answer for that.

Speaker 4 Britain would be treating us like just a source of income. And

Speaker 4 the atrocities, but

Speaker 4 the injustices that they were doing to the United States while we were part of the British Empire would have been elevated even further because only the people making money would be the rich landowners who are pumping out the cotton, and we would still be getting taxed without representation.

Speaker 2 Isn't that what happened? I don't know whether you're describing what did happen or what wouldn't happen, because they both sound like the same thing.

Speaker 4 Again, it would happen, but would happen hundreds of years earlier. Up to 100 years earlier, let's say.

Speaker 2 So we wouldn't have fought the Revolutionary War.

Speaker 4 In 1776.

Speaker 2 Okay, why?

Speaker 4 Because we would have been fed up with England

Speaker 4 pushing their laws on us, taxing us without any representation from us in their parliament.

Speaker 2 Why 100 years earlier, though?

Speaker 4 Because we're introducing the cotton gin earlier.

Speaker 2 Okay, but I still don't understand why that.

Speaker 2 I'm not trying to make funny. I'm asking legitimately why

Speaker 2 is the cotton. Why does the Revolutionary War start 100 years

Speaker 2 before it did in the real time?

Speaker 4 Because we get fed up with being treated as just a cash cow for England. Again, who is the best?

Speaker 2 Who is we? Aren't you an English?

Speaker 2 Because you said there's no America.

Speaker 2 The United States. Well, we're not talking about the English.
But then you would be talking about

Speaker 2 1693.

Speaker 2 Or earlier.

Speaker 2 So who the fuck was here then?

Speaker 4 I'm not talking about 100 years. No, I'm talking about the Revolutionary War happens 100 years earlier.

Speaker 4 We're talking about putting the cotton gin in the middle of, let's say, the middle of the Renaissance, which is between the 14th and.

Speaker 2 But I just don't understand why on earth, why on earth does that spark the war? What change? What is the change that makes us revolt?

Speaker 2 We lose the Revolutionary War.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 2 Because Britain is, because Britain is, why did they lose the Revolutionary War in the first place?

Speaker 4 There's many reasons that Britain is.

Speaker 2 Because they were fighting multiple wars at the time. It's fucking 3,000 miles away from their homeland, and they've got to get supplies and troops over there.

Speaker 2 But they're also fighting multiple wars at that point.

Speaker 4 They're fighting the Franco-Prussian War, the Franco-Spirit.

Speaker 2 The Prussian War!

Speaker 2 Oh, shit!

Speaker 2 Will he!

Speaker 2 The king finds out that the only cotton gin was taken to America.

Speaker 2 Also,

Speaker 4 part of the reason America won the Civil War was because of the support of the French.

Speaker 4 France has a huge cotton industry at this point in in time because England did not. England was trying to protect its wool industry.
So it was banning the imports of cotton.

Speaker 4 So France was more interested in cotton. So with the dropping the cotton gin in the middle of the Renaissance means that France would not be involved in it, wouldn't care about the colonies anymore.

Speaker 4 They would be more concerned with their own cotton production,

Speaker 4 going to other places.

Speaker 2 So far, have you heard about this cotton gin?

Speaker 2 So France's only interest in the United States was cotton.

Speaker 4 No, there were other influences, but they would be less interested in helping us during the Revolutionary War. And that was, again, one of the few.

Speaker 2 And if we fight the war against Britain 100 years earlier,

Speaker 2 you're not impressing the point.

Speaker 2 But if we do, though, they're much stronger at that point. We get squashed a lot easier.

Speaker 2 But how? Because they're not fighting multiple wars on, you know, they're not, Britain is not fighting multiple wars at that point. Dude, every war at that time was over different textiles.

Speaker 2 You gotta understand.

Speaker 2 All right, so move on.

Speaker 2 America

Speaker 2 lose the revolution. We're a British Army.
Why?

Speaker 2 Because the British Army is stronger. Yeah, but why are we starting the war 100 years earlier?

Speaker 4 Because a cotton gym was introduced 100 years earlier.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but why was it some years earlier? But how does that affect the war starting earlier?

Speaker 4 Because we become

Speaker 4 disenfranchised by the parliament.

Speaker 2 But we

Speaker 2 it just rushes things. It makes things come to a head.

Speaker 2 It's hot in Russian.

Speaker 4 Rather than America exporting things like tobacco and sugar, we're now exporting cotton, which is, again, more readily grown. And it's.

Speaker 2 I like tobacco. It shakes every seven years.

Speaker 2 I read that on the Snapdragon.

Speaker 2 Okay. He's made his point.
He doesn't believe that we lose the revolution.

Speaker 2 I'm not even making a point. I'm asking questions.

Speaker 2 Can you?

Speaker 4 Okay. It's just, it's a speeding up and so everything gets sped up but why

Speaker 2 that's it that's what i'm asking why is this

Speaker 2 i told you they fucking asked this i told you they would i told you i said make sure you've got this answer and you said i got it i got it i'm trying to give the answer and he's just ignored going but why

Speaker 2 i haven't given an answer you moron why

Speaker 4 i said since the cotton introduced we're becoming a cash cow for britain and again it's still we were already a cash cow

Speaker 4 but it's not as big as we are now with cotton because we have such large tracts of land in America. And such a,

Speaker 4 it's open, it's undeveloped. You know, and again, the people in the South can go and plant cotton.
And now, with the cotton gin, what they're doing is introducing a cheaper form of cotton.

Speaker 4 Because the cotton gin was the only revolution about it, not only was it mechanized, was that it had produced a lower quality cotton because it needed fewer people to work the actual gym.

Speaker 2 Look at him, he's rattled. He's rattled.
He's not huge belonging. C-SPAN, bitch, go, keep going.

Speaker 2 It's not as interesting.

Speaker 2 It produced a lower quality cotton, which became more affordable to the masses.

Speaker 4 So the demand in Europe just skyrockets. Because instead of having one set of clothes that they maybe wash once every week, which it's while it's worse sheets you wash once every year.

Speaker 2 But isn't that kind of what happened anyway? What do you mean kind of what happened anyway? Isn't that kind of what happened anyway? We got pissed at, like, I don't understand.

Speaker 2 Yes,

Speaker 4 we got pissed in England, which which is why we had the revolution.

Speaker 2 Basically, get it. It happened earlier.
It just sounds like he's arbitrarily saying it happens early.

Speaker 2 Basically, he's like, everything happens the same except 100 years earlier. No, no, no, but wait, but it's not.
It's not exactly changed, though. Tell us why things really fucking go on.

Speaker 2 Again, it's not. This is where Babe Roof comes in.

Speaker 4 As we know, England would not allow the colonies

Speaker 4 to be settled by dissidents. So we become more nationalistic.
You know, we really hail the queen. Now, when World War I comes around, which is when the Archduke of Ferdinand gets assassinated.

Speaker 2 Hold on.

Speaker 2 Just for clarification, so

Speaker 2 we lost the war. You're glossing over it.
We lost the revolution.

Speaker 2 We are under British rule. So we're Brits.

Speaker 4 We've been broken down and we're just... Okay, you know what?

Speaker 2 And we skipped the Civil War. All hail the queen.

Speaker 4 Well, we don't really have a civil war because civil war was all about slavery.

Speaker 2 Which is not necessary with the cotton gin?

Speaker 4 No, slavery is necessary with the cotton gin, but Britain and other countries were more permissive of

Speaker 2 still slavery.

Speaker 4 Oh, yes, definitely, there's still slavery.

Speaker 2 That would be silly.

Speaker 2 Cotton gin or no.

Speaker 4 We don't have a democracy to challenge that. We have a monocracy,

Speaker 2 a monarchy.

Speaker 2 Well, I have a question about that because Britain also got rid of slavery.

Speaker 2 Huh? David? not.

Speaker 2 So why wouldn't he get rid of slavery too as far as they were dissipating slavery?

Speaker 4 They were shipping slaves in it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but they stopped. They don't do it today?

Speaker 4 Well, it's because the cotton ginseng today yet.

Speaker 2 But we're still trying to get to World War I. You all had them.
But the cotton gin is still on its way over.

Speaker 2 The cotton gin had been there. But you are saying that slavery would still be around, that there would be no civil war.
He believes it to be.

Speaker 2 You believe that had the cotton gin been invented 200 years earlier, there would still be slaves today in America? Yes, okay. But what I'm saying is that doesn't make sense.

Speaker 2 Now it's getting interesting.

Speaker 2 Well, why does that why? You know, you think that because the British got rid of slavery as well, unrelated to us. What year? I don't know.
It seemed like this ain't my gig.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you on Elvis.

Speaker 2 But it doesn't matter when they got rid of it. Tell them about tell them the real fucking, give them the knockout.
Fuck them great. Just knock the fucking mouthpiece out of your mouth.

Speaker 4 So Archduke of Ferdinand is assassinated in 1914.

Speaker 2 Okay. Start World War I, the war to end all wars.
And now we are British while this starts. We are not.
That's right.

Speaker 4 So instead of waiting three to four years to engage the to engage to join the battle, we go right into it.

Speaker 2 Which warriors are World War I. World War I.
How many years before we joined then?

Speaker 4 It took three to four years.

Speaker 2 Three to four years before we joined in World War I.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 You're trying to get.

Speaker 2 You're trying to neutralize it. No,

Speaker 4 we tried to stay neutral. We prevented,

Speaker 4 we were against shipping arms over. That's when we had the Lusitania get sunk by German U-boats.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Just fact-checking. Just as a

Speaker 2 side note, slavery in the U.K. ended, in Europe, ended 30 years before it did in America.

Speaker 2 And since they're making such money over here, so that...

Speaker 4 Don't go back.

Speaker 2 Don't go back. Go forward.

Speaker 4 So, bam.

Speaker 2 War starts.

Speaker 4 Rather than it's we put in

Speaker 4 we put 4.7 million boots on the ground in World War I. Now instead of it happening three to four years later.

Speaker 2 I bought it a discount from Walmart.

Speaker 4 Now

Speaker 4 instead of it happening four years later, we put the exact same amount of troops in that Russia did, 12 million troops. So we have 24 million troops going against Germany, who's only had

Speaker 4 12 million.

Speaker 2 You said how long did it take for the United States to enter the war? About three years. All right, the war was only four years long.
You said World War I or two?

Speaker 2 One. Okay.

Speaker 4 Okay. Well, us joining the war is what pretty much helped to end it.

Speaker 2 I see.

Speaker 2 Three years before

Speaker 2 you change it to three.

Speaker 2 I'm just asking. Keep going.
Okay.

Speaker 2 This is this don't like Barry the fucking the haymaker.

Speaker 4 So

Speaker 2 so we pretty much we pretty much spanked Germany.

Speaker 4 And we do, we spank Germany. And that is what causes Adolf Hitler to not be able to come into power.

Speaker 2 Also, Italy and Japan entered the war. Oh, they did.
As well. That helped to.

Speaker 4 But 4.7 million troops are going in right at the beginning.

Speaker 4 They're right there. They're at the head.
They're pushing. They're the front.

Speaker 2 Well, a question about that.

Speaker 2 Just a question. Because we wouldn't have the same army and navy that we had if we were part of Britain.
You're talking about

Speaker 2 an entire country's resources joining the war, as opposed to the resources that England already had.

Speaker 4 No, it's in addition to the

Speaker 2 resources England already had.

Speaker 4 England came in with 8 million. We came in with 4.7 million.
Again, three years later. So now we're putting that 4.7 million right at the front.

Speaker 2 Right at the front, which will probably end the war,

Speaker 2 cut it right in hand.

Speaker 2 And we have all the other.

Speaker 2 Hold on one second. Just a question.
You think Britain, a small island.

Speaker 2 No, no, they're not small.

Speaker 4 Our United States is part of Britain. That is Britain.

Speaker 2 Right, let me ask you. You say that Britain,

Speaker 2 the actual island over there, has an army of four of how many people?

Speaker 4 4.7 million.

Speaker 2 And then how many did we send in?

Speaker 4 No, we sent in 4.7 million. They sent 8 million in.

Speaker 2 Okay, so you think that...

Speaker 2 How are 5 million people getting over there, incidentally? What? Ships? Ships?

Speaker 4 That's what the Lusitania was. The Lusitania was a passenger ship that was sunk.

Speaker 2 How many fucking trips are they making with 5 million fucking people?

Speaker 4 Again, the same trips that they made three years later, they're making two years earlier.

Speaker 2 You don't have to address Derek questions. But why? What?

Speaker 2 Why did you tell me me this one minute ago? I don't have to address it, though. But why would, why would, why would the country of

Speaker 2 what country is England at this point in your world?

Speaker 2 United Kingdom. Okay.

Speaker 2 They would keep 4 million soldiers

Speaker 2 and a full army and navy here,

Speaker 2 as well as the 8 million people. You're saying they don't have any...

Speaker 2 I'm not saying anything. I'm asking a question.
You're saying we're a European territory.

Speaker 4 We are a UK territory.

Speaker 2 With their own fully formed army.

Speaker 4 With part of the army of the UK.

Speaker 4 in it we're just across the pond got you if enforcing the

Speaker 4 enforcing the uh boundaries of the uk on the pacific side got you so now they they're covering 3 000 miles away stop answering him

Speaker 2 just to give again weakening your argument yeah you've taken so long to get to the haymaker now nobody cares oh no i care

Speaker 2 so again we're thinking you should have given that five bucks to the fucking skull of over the opposite

Speaker 4 so again we're a different country and what are we called Well, it would still be part of the United Kingdom. Again, we wouldn't be America.

Speaker 4 We wouldn't have the same shape we do because we wouldn't have states like we do because just like over in the UK, it's one United Kingdom. Okay.

Speaker 2 Gotcha. What do you mean? The country wouldn't be the same shape? Oh, I don't know.

Speaker 4 Because

Speaker 4 that country was made by treaties between the United States and the Mexicans.

Speaker 2 No, you're saying it would be divided up differently.

Speaker 4 It could have larger borders on the top and bottom.

Speaker 4 Actually, the whole larger part would be Canada because Canada is not.

Speaker 2 It's not important.

Speaker 2 It's not important.

Speaker 2 He can ask it, but you don't have to address it. You just ignore it.

Speaker 2 So we're just supposed to mock him.

Speaker 4 So because

Speaker 4 the United Kingdom decimated Germany in World War I, we don't have Adolf Hitler in the position of power that he got because

Speaker 4 he became his rise to power was based on the fact that they lost World War I.

Speaker 2 That they lost World War I. So them losing World War I again?

Speaker 4 They felt they lost it in the wrong way. They concede it instead of just getting spanked like they should have done if we had put 4 million boots on the ground at the beginning of the war.

Speaker 4 So that's, again, we would not have.

Speaker 2 Tie it up. Tie it up.
Bow tie. Bow tie.

Speaker 2 That was the haymaker. No Hitler.
No Hitler. No Holocaust.
Millions.

Speaker 2 They're not dying.

Speaker 2 At least exposing the cotton gyms.

Speaker 4 The gypsies, the homosexuals, all not being mass executed

Speaker 2 because the ones that are in this week's episode. The gypsies, the homosexuals.
Yeah, because Europeans were never known to be barbaric.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 4 so the influences of the United States.

Speaker 2 I would think that Hitler would be fucking more likely.

Speaker 4 No, because they got spanked so literally

Speaker 4 they've lost the will.

Speaker 4 Instead of having three or four years of seething in this war, that they're kind of winning, but they're kind of losing, and then having to concede, that's what he came to power upon.

Speaker 2 Or maybe the war never would have started that way.

Speaker 4 Because the United United Kingdom is influencing America.

Speaker 2 He's trying to help him now. He's not even paying attention.

Speaker 4 We don't have baseball. We don't have football.
We don't have anything that we know is our

Speaker 2 own core.

Speaker 4 We only have what is known as the English core.

Speaker 2 Why couldn't baseball start? Like, what's starting to do? It could.

Speaker 2 Why hasn't baseball caught on in England?

Speaker 2 I mean, I don't have an answer for that.

Speaker 4 I mean, football isn't even caught in England. We're just flying over there for some reason now.

Speaker 2 They still don't even care about football. They don't care about American sports.
They got Beckham Junior. So you're saying we have

Speaker 4 watch some guy kick a ball around and maybe score a goal in an hour.

Speaker 2 Even though we're an ocean away, we still have no

Speaker 2 national identity with

Speaker 2 our own customs, our own

Speaker 4 teams. We do, but the monarchy

Speaker 4 keeps it knocked down just like in like Canada.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 So there's a ban on all baseballs in the ban on baseball.

Speaker 2 It's not as popular.

Speaker 4 Baseball is lacrosse as what lacrosse is today.

Speaker 2 Michael Jordan's going to grow up to be a cricket player. He's not going to grow up to be a basketball player.
Oh, no, he's not. Slavery is still in existence.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, he plays for free.

Speaker 2 Is that it? You done?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's done. Look at that.
Look at

Speaker 2 that one thing being introduced early. Look at all how the world changes.

Speaker 2 The mountain has to do with anything. What does the mountain have to do with anything? Because the world as we know it is totally changed for the good

Speaker 2 or for the worse. Well, if slavery is still in existence, I'd say for the worst.
Yeah, but the Holocaust didn't happen. Yeah, I mean, you can't

Speaker 2 make an omelette without breaking a few black eggs.

Speaker 2 You know, Jews are cool. Black, sorry.
Not so great for you.

Speaker 2 No Negro League.

Speaker 2 Wow. Hold on, okay.
Now, Frank, before I go to you,

Speaker 2 Brian? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Impressed or unimpressed?

Speaker 2 See, that's what I also want to get, like, we'll do that too.

Speaker 2 We'll have celebrity judges

Speaker 2 along with the professors.

Speaker 2 So then I'll go to the celebrity.

Speaker 2 Before we hear from the real judges, I'll go

Speaker 2 Brian Johnson from Kong Bookman. Impressed or unimpressed? I was impressed with his passion and steamrolling ahead despite

Speaker 2 things that made no sense,

Speaker 2 claims that were baseless,

Speaker 2 the pure speculation.

Speaker 2 I don't see it happening. It's a pure speculation, though.
Right.

Speaker 2 I don't see

Speaker 2 the cotton gin as being that instrumental in world history as to

Speaker 2 completely change it so where

Speaker 2 to this day, slaves are still like, well, this sucks.

Speaker 2 But, you know, we're part of Europe, so we're going to get free health care. Right.

Speaker 2 Factually.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's one or the other? Yeah. Unimpressed.
Brian Quinn of Unpractical Jokers. Oof.
Well, I'm certainly impressed that he considers himself a smart person.

Speaker 2 That's pretty fucking crazy.

Speaker 2 I mean, harebrained doesn't even begin to fucking start

Speaker 2 this discussion.

Speaker 2 He fucking even fake facts, he messed up.

Speaker 2 What fake facts did he mess up? Any ability to fucking make up facts?

Speaker 2 He screwed it up. How did he screw it up, though? What? What slavery thing? What? The fact that...
You really think America is just going to give up having the...

Speaker 2 Is this going to happen to the judges when you ask them?

Speaker 2 As a celebrity guest, can I expect to get it?

Speaker 4 It's not America giving up, it's the U.K. giving up slavery.
Why? When they're making money hand over fist over it?

Speaker 2 Because they did it already before we did. 30 years?

Speaker 2 In current history. Yeah, that was after the Revolutionary War.

Speaker 2 In our timeline, yes, they do. But in Giddam's timeline that he's creating for the show, they don't.
You have to respect this timeline.

Speaker 2 So in his timeline, they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Maybe there's something to this slavery thing.
It's been working out so far.

Speaker 2 We got this cotton chicken now, which is going to really fucking increase business. But it's not us.

Speaker 4 That's what the queen is saying. The king is saying.

Speaker 2 Queen and the king are like, let there be slaves. No, just business as usual.
Okay, status quo.

Speaker 2 They did it for hundreds of years. What's a couple hundred more years?

Speaker 2 I mean, ask the slaves. Well, no, just think about it.
You're like, you think

Speaker 2 you're so fucking ready to fucking kiss their ass because they did it a couple hundred years earlier than we did. 30 years ago, 30 years.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm like, they were so progressive.

Speaker 2 Why are we in the dark ages?

Speaker 2 I mean, it is a generation of people

Speaker 2 not living in slavery. That's pretty impressive.
Well, are you impressed or unimpressed? Unimpressed. Unimpressed.
Unimpressed.

Speaker 2 And I got to tell you,

Speaker 2 the visual, the. They can hurt him.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It looks like a postage stamp in the middle of a billboard.

Speaker 2 He wanted to print it bigger, but we don't have enough ink.

Speaker 2 And the fact that the lightning bolts go in the same direction is kind of like a weird design choice. Take a picture right there so we can post it.
Oh, I'll put it on the block.

Speaker 2 But you know what? Yeah. Get him.
It doesn't matter what our celebrity judges think. That is true.
So

Speaker 2 why I bothered asking them, I don't know.

Speaker 2 Let's just kill time. All that matters is what the prof thinks.

Speaker 2 All right, Professor. Professor Five.
Now imagine that Gidem is your star pupil.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 this is what he came up to present for whatever reason. This is the topic you gave him.
What would have been more distracting?

Speaker 2 A senior citizen

Speaker 2 in a cowgirl outfit with a deli meat or those two?

Speaker 2 Probably the deli meat would have distracted me.

Speaker 2 I thought they did a good job. So not the cowgirl, just the deli meat.

Speaker 2 So what are you really, what are you thinking about?

Speaker 5 Do you want me to go through everything

Speaker 5 what I think?

Speaker 2 Did he get any fives? No. He didn't get a five? No.
What would you give him a five on?

Speaker 2 The fucking presentation. I mean, the

Speaker 2 visual presentation. I will say this Fucking turning red face tonight.

Speaker 2 I gave him a four.

Speaker 5 I will say I gave him a four on presence because he looked at everyone, which was great. He interacted with everyone.
He was very passionate, waving his fist. I mean, you know, that's.

Speaker 2 I'm glad you noticed that. Yeah, don't forget to.
What an orator.

Speaker 5 The body language,

Speaker 5 the poise, the contact with public, that was all great.

Speaker 5 Language skills, a little on the lower side, the butchering of the monarchy and

Speaker 5 mechanize, right?

Speaker 2 Got hurt on that. Mechanicalize.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 Organization. If you want to see what I put for organization, here's what I wrote on my notes.

Speaker 2 Huh?

Speaker 2 He's still a game of three, though. I know.
Well,

Speaker 5 mastery of subject. He was able to answer questions with your help, which is great.

Speaker 4 Visual aids,

Speaker 5 the thing with the handout that I would ask if another student brought this is where you got the information. There's no work cited on this.
So is this all yours or did you copy it from?

Speaker 2 Did you just make it up?

Speaker 5 Yeah. So that, you know, but, and then I have the overall impression, but I did add all the numbers, and I'll say

Speaker 2 we're going to save the overall score

Speaker 2 until everyone's gone.

Speaker 5 You guys did a nice job, both of you.

Speaker 2 It was a team effort.

Speaker 2 Q, I know you have

Speaker 2 a lot of people to buy stuff for.

Speaker 2 So certainly you're struggling to find the perfect gift for someone who has it all. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'll bet you they don't have steak, though. I've actually gotten these steaks.
Yeah, me too. I was supposed to get them.
They never sent them to me. Really, really good.
Did you get the meatballs?

Speaker 2 I don't eat meatballs. Oh, they were good.
They were fucking good. Yeah.
I don't like anything round.

Speaker 2 The holidays are

Speaker 2 round gets you sick.

Speaker 2 It says round. No, it's not.
It's fucking like it's a square. It's a diamond.
Or not a diamond. It's a square.
Oh, slices, but it's two dimensions.

Speaker 2 The holidays are fast approaching. Order gifts for everyone on your list with a click of a mouse.
Personal story and endorsement. Well, since I never got it.

Speaker 2 Eating a steak doesn't make you feel like a man. Oh, yeah.
Right? Yeah. It does.
I don't know why that does, but. Put it this way.

Speaker 2 I wish that I didn't eat meat because I love animals and I feel guilty every time, but it makes me feel so manly that I have to do it. I feel like

Speaker 2 using WD-40 as deodorant after I eat a steak. I remember that

Speaker 2 for a time in my life I went vegetarian, my penis actually tucked back into my body. And I ate a steak.

Speaker 2 Shot out. Not a steak, an omaha steak.
Yeah, right. I ate an omahus steak, and my penis shot out and two inches longer than when it went out.
It was larger than it was before. Yeah, more engorged.

Speaker 2 So that's what we're saying.

Speaker 2 We've used a lot of great words tonight that we have not used ever on Taliban, Dave. Nebulous.
My confidence is high right now. I've ever heard the use words.
Shut spa.

Speaker 2 It's all those hormones they pump into it.

Speaker 2 Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Speaker 2 That wasn't an Omaha steak, I thought you ate. Because Omaha steaks, they're, let's see, great steak experiences at home, flavorful,

Speaker 2 500 gourmet gift ideas, one-of-a-kind flavor, highest quality cuts. No more

Speaker 2 of those low-quality cuts.

Speaker 2 Get them.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 Top of the line.

Speaker 2 Age for 21 days. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
All right, they're steaks, all right?

Speaker 2 This is one of the few things that I can honestly say that I've sampled that we are pushing, and I can say it's good, nice quality.

Speaker 2 Why do a lot of steaks come from Omaha?

Speaker 2 That's just the land, man. Grass-fed.
Yeah. It's the way they do that stuff.
That's what they're known for. When you go to Omaha, they're proud of their steaks.
Right.

Speaker 2 The steak capitalism is a little bit more. I will say this.
A steak as a gift is such a good idea because it's uncommon and it's classy.

Speaker 2 It's like, oh, wow. this

Speaker 2 they're going to eat it. They're like, oh, this is.
You're going to love it. It's going to be like, look, how many shitty gifts do you get? Like, what am I going to do with this?

Speaker 2 I wish this was a steak, you say.

Speaker 4 We had that for Christmas dinner one night, Christmas dinner one year. Someone shipped, they ordered some Omaha steaks, and we had that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we killed our family. Petinated.

Speaker 2 We called him, his name was Omaha.

Speaker 2 Where do you got to go to get these steaks, Bri? Well, for $49.99, you can get a family gift pack when you go to omahasteaks.com and enter T-E-S-D in the search bar. 77% off.

Speaker 2 77% off? That's what it says here. Holy shit.
That's a fucking pretty sweet deal.

Speaker 2 Well, as a boss, as someone in charge of people, how amazing would it be if one of your employees sent you, you got home and there's an Omaha steak from Giddem. Thank you for a great year.

Speaker 2 Merry Christmas. He needs to get me a hell of a lot more than fucking Omaha steaks.
Right.

Speaker 2 He's going to need to get you some

Speaker 2 done.

Speaker 2 Tied to my food. Tied to my railing on my house.

Speaker 2 Then he calls me up and asks me to get rid of it.

Speaker 2 Get over here. I need you to butcher a cow for me.

Speaker 2 So, yeah, that's Omaha steaks. Use T-E-S-D.
And you guys say it's worth it. I wouldn't know.
They haven't sent it to me yet.

Speaker 2 Even you got them? I said we had it for Christmas Day.

Speaker 2 Holy shit, man. I'm really left out on that.
He got yours. You don't know that? Oh, you took mine? He's taking my underwear.
He's taking my fucking stakes.

Speaker 2 Well, as long as we're doing it, let's just get this fucking thing out of the way so we don't have to talk about any more ads. Luke Crate.

Speaker 2 Talk about the crate you received last month. What was in it? Did you share the items? Reaction.
Doesn't strange stuff. It was awesome.
Doctor Strange. Yeah, you're right.
You liked the movie?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I did like the movie. Yeah.
I don't know if I liked it, which means I probably didn't like it. I think it was good, not great.
It was kind of right down the middle, but I liked it.

Speaker 2 I just watching Doctor Strange, I was like, that's fucking crazy. Yeah, I just thought it would be a little bit more, like, they kept using the same effect.
The bending stuff? Yeah, the

Speaker 2 weirder. What's that movie where Everis and Dreams? Yeah, they kept going to that same, like,

Speaker 2 they thought that was their haymaker. Right.

Speaker 2 What did we learn from that? I overused it.

Speaker 2 They should have thrown the Holocaust in there a little bit earlier.

Speaker 2 And some dates.

Speaker 2 Now, Professor 5, if you're looking for, it's difficult. You know, you've been married 16 years.
You're like, I'm going to get my wife an anniversary present, a a Christmas present, whatever.

Speaker 2 How about, say, something like Loot Crate? She'll be the envy of her friends because she'll be getting 100% exclusive crates at lootcrate.com/slash T-E-S-D.

Speaker 2 So you can even save a couple bucks off it, right?

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 on a quest for epic gear, housewares and collectibles. You're a woman, you love housewares.

Speaker 2 Loot Crate has it.

Speaker 2 It's less than $20 a month.

Speaker 2 There's fashionista shit on there, wearable geek. Are you into comics and geek stuff? No.
That's too bad because you

Speaker 2 are going to get cult classics and your favorite franchises.

Speaker 2 Do you like being fancy? Yes. Okay, well, you can get an even bigger loot crate with loot crate DX.

Speaker 2 You want to geek out your pet? Do you have a pet? No. All right.
We'll get one and try loot pets.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 you don't have a pet?

Speaker 2 No. Ever? No.

Speaker 2 No kids and no pets, huh?

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 All right.

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Robot, Firefly, Monthly T-shirt, Pin and More, and an exclusive Funco Pop.

Speaker 2 So go to lukerate.com slash T-E-S-D. You're going to get 10% off any new subscription today.
All right, no more ads. All right, who wants to go next? Oof, how are you feeling?

Speaker 2 I don't know. I mean,

Speaker 2 I think I maybe misunderstood the assignment a little bit, but I can still forge ahead. Do you feel you have a grasp on it?

Speaker 2 You got a lot of notes there. I'll just have to.
Oh, no, these are notes.

Speaker 2 AQ. Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, no favoritism because you dislike Giddam.

Speaker 2 No, you were going a little bit hard at him, a lot harder, and I expect the same level of intensity at Brian Johnson. Absolutely.
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 And if you don't, I think you should take some points off his overall. Okay, okay.
All right.

Speaker 2 Brian Johnson, you're going to go? Yeah, sure. And your topic was,

Speaker 2 what if the atomic bomb was introduced into warfare during the Civil War

Speaker 2 rather than World War II? Right.

Speaker 2 Okay, now I have no visual aids, unfortunately. You can borrow mine.
With,

Speaker 2 I could use the cross-through through Hitler and possibly be Brutus.

Speaker 2 What if the bomb was introduced in the Civil War versus World War II? Now,

Speaker 2 it was sort of a nebulous topic because are you saying

Speaker 2 did everything shift back to

Speaker 2 for

Speaker 2 a hundred years or a little bit less than a hundred years? years.

Speaker 2 What bomb are we using? You have, are you saying the bomb that was used in World War II? Are you talking about

Speaker 2 fission versus fusion?

Speaker 2 Yeah, say fission versus, thank you, get him? Fission versus

Speaker 2 fission into fusion.

Speaker 2 Plutonium implosion. Professor, please note

Speaker 2 he took help from the competition.

Speaker 2 Unsolicited, Professor.

Speaker 2 I haven't heard anything from you yet. So far he's been selling that.

Speaker 2 Get him, didn't even get two words out, and you were on his fucking throat like a fucking rat.

Speaker 2 We were listening to him, and you're like,

Speaker 2 I'm not saying anything to get him. Right.

Speaker 2 You were fucking ripping his throat out. No worries.
Yes, you were.

Speaker 2 Go back and listen to the tape. He said one sentence.
You were just like,

Speaker 2 nothing. You just couldn't wait.
You're like raw meat.

Speaker 2 He hasn't said anything yet. Brian's just, he hasn't said anything.
All I said was, yeah, that I wasn't exactly sure what.

Speaker 2 At least I pronounced it correctly

Speaker 2 and used it correctly.

Speaker 2 He was definitely trying to use a big word, right? He's like,

Speaker 2 I'm definitely using that. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What impresses a prof more

Speaker 2 than actual words? He's still speaking the English language.

Speaker 2 Like, I can't make fun of him for using a word correctly. Like, that's fucking stupid.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 he's playing to the prof, though.

Speaker 2 Am I not supposed to.

Speaker 2 I was supposed to get on his bad side immediately.

Speaker 2 So we all know

Speaker 2 it's painfully obvious, though, that he just used that word

Speaker 2 just for that sole reason.

Speaker 4 So which bomb did you pick?

Speaker 2 I feel like I could not even say another word in a birdie won.

Speaker 2 Well, get them. Yes.
We also have to decide

Speaker 2 which

Speaker 2 did the Confederacy or the Union use the bomb, right? Oh, yes. Because that does matter.

Speaker 2 Of course it matters.

Speaker 2 The reason behind the Civil War was the secession of the states

Speaker 2 based primarily on slavery.

Speaker 4 Because of the cotton gin.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Well, the Industrial Revolution, I'm assuming, would have had to have happened sooner because you can't go from nothing to

Speaker 4 most certainly James Watt would have invented the steam engine earlier.

Speaker 2 The bomb, right.

Speaker 2 So we've got tons of nice cotton because

Speaker 2 the cotton gin has been around for for a while. So, unlike

Speaker 2 forcing the timeline to fit your Kakami harebrain theory, you're saying just by the fact that their nuclear bomb was developed at this time, necessity would say that all those advancements had come early.

Speaker 2 This is a result of that. That's not a result of the cotton gin, like Giddam was saying.

Speaker 2 Okay, got it. So far, that makes sense.

Speaker 2 Nothing to make fun of yet.

Speaker 2 We also have to

Speaker 2 consider

Speaker 2 the delivery.

Speaker 2 Who are you supposing has the bomb? Thank you for your support, Chris.

Speaker 4 Who are you supposing has the bomb?

Speaker 2 Yeah, which side has the bomb? I'm going to get to it. I'm going to get to it.

Speaker 2 I didn't know where it was. I'm not switching topics already.

Speaker 2 It's got to be the South, right? The North wouldn't use the bomb. I'll tell you why.
Now, there's a very good one. But the North is more industrialized of the two.
Stop giving him answers.

Speaker 2 Stop giving him surprise. These are not answers.
They're not common knowledge.

Speaker 2 But the North was the good side in the Civil War. Right.
So they wouldn't use it. And the North was being led by a Republican.

Speaker 2 Right. Well, back then, the Democratic Party did support slavery.

Speaker 2 So what we have here is... Are you not going to tell us who the Republican was?

Speaker 2 Abraham Lincoln.

Speaker 2 Again,

Speaker 2 I'm surprised Giddam didn't jump in.

Speaker 2 I told him not to. I want to make sure that you give the information.
Oh, that I know who the fucking president was during the Civil War.

Speaker 2 Shy.

Speaker 2 So, what you have now is a country divided, a country that the North is trying to eliminate slavery just like Europe did 30 years earlier.

Speaker 2 Did they have lasers and stuff like that because they're all advanced?

Speaker 2 They did not have lasers. In fact, I'm going with somehow

Speaker 2 one of these union guys in his spare time must have worked on on a bomb

Speaker 2 because we don't have any delivery system for this bomb. As we know, with

Speaker 2 Fat Man and Little Boy,

Speaker 2 it was delivered by an airplane. Spruce Goose?

Speaker 2 No, no, no,

Speaker 2 no.

Speaker 2 Stop. Stop.
Spruce Goose was a fucking shit. Stop trying to

Speaker 2 make yourself look Spruce.

Speaker 2 You're trying to get my point right now. Yes.
I didn't say that I thought the Spruce Group delivered the fucking nuclear bomb to Japan. I was saying back in the day.

Speaker 2 Right, the Spruce Groups was as best as they could have done, probably.

Speaker 2 However,

Speaker 2 what they may have done, since the railroads were very developed at the time.

Speaker 2 I'm just because I got to do it, because if you're not going to do it, that's unfair. You fucking took pot shots at him.
He hasn't said anything stupid yet, right?

Speaker 2 But look how he came out, though. Got your attention with Hitler's not here, Babe Bruce not here.
He's fucking put in a room to sleep. And I never backed it up.

Speaker 2 I was like, back it up.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to. Look, this was my assignment.
I'm trying to impress the professor. I don't give a fuck what you guys think.

Speaker 2 And that's how you fucking win this game. Maybe.
Maybe. Now, if we're okay, we'll talk about bombs for a second.
Let's talk about bombs. Yeah, that's a delivery system.

Speaker 4 You need to finish up on the delivery system.

Speaker 2 Don't give me anything. Like I said, the delivery system would have to be something by, say, rail or

Speaker 2 what kind of fucking face is that? How else are you going to deliver it? Oh, tell me.

Speaker 4 You're assuming that the union does it when the union had someone like Henry Pleasant, who

Speaker 2 he didn't yet say I said what side added. He didn't say it yet.

Speaker 4 No, he said the union had the ingenuity so they would use the locomotive. The union would more than likely, again, follow the methods of Henry Pleasant and go for an underground detonation.

Speaker 2 Or they could go above ground.

Speaker 2 Okay, so underground or above ground. Oh, train.
From the air. You can still do it from the air.
There's no planes. You have hot air balloons.
Boom. Hot air balloons.
There you go. Get them.

Speaker 2 That's a good point.

Speaker 2 That's true. I think they probably could.

Speaker 2 I think it could probably lift a bomb that

Speaker 2 multiple hot air balloons. 50 cars.
Multiple hot air balloons. Something that could be shot out of the air with a musket, I guess.

Speaker 2 Or popped by a fucking

Speaker 2 bird's beak.

Speaker 2 So, anyway, the delivery system, I believe, this is my theory.

Speaker 2 He's allowed to take shots at it. Would be a train.

Speaker 2 Yes, he is.

Speaker 2 You're encouraged to take shots at it. A train.

Speaker 2 But,

Speaker 2 okay, you got Abe Lincoln.

Speaker 4 Oh, there was trains back then.

Speaker 4 And in alternate history, Henry Pleasants actually worked on the railroads.

Speaker 2 Actually, Henry Pleasants did work on the railroads. Why don't you suck Henry Pleasants' copy? Let him come in your mouth so I can fucking get to that.

Speaker 2 You guys don't mind. The guy just read one article about railroads one night.
I don't got to fucking hear about it all night. Just take his load so we can be done with him and move on.

Speaker 2 But now we're talking about what bomb we use. Do we use Fat Man? Do we use Little Boy? Do we use, okay, get them? Do we use Castle Bravo?

Speaker 2 Oh?

Speaker 2 Well, I'm not familiar with the individual names. I'm guessing that's a hydrogen bomb.

Speaker 2 The first

Speaker 2 one. The first tested hydrogen bomb, but was as big as a factory,

Speaker 2 so it would not be practical to use. Or feasible.
But it could fit on a boxcar, maybe?

Speaker 2 No. it was pretty

Speaker 2 big.

Speaker 2 You know, if they had reinforced the tracks,

Speaker 2 if you got a bunch of Chinamen out there, they reinforced the tracks, maybe built some special cars, you may be able to get Castle Bravo there.

Speaker 4 Well, you'd have to re-engineer the tracks because the South was known for using multiple different gauges of rails, which required switching from train to train to train.

Speaker 2 Boom.

Speaker 2 Okay. So that's what they did.

Speaker 2 Meanwhile, getting shot at with muskets.

Speaker 2 Or

Speaker 2 the SAR bomb. You're familiar with that.

Speaker 2 The world's largest thermonuclear. The largest thermonuclear ever detonated, right? I love Resident Breaker.
In all seriousness, I love this. We sound, this is awesome.

Speaker 2 Throwing things out like that that I know 90% of listeners don't know, and they're just like, wow, that's cool that you guys are fucking throwing out so much.

Speaker 4 Considering this wasn't my subject to look up, it's just stuff that I know.

Speaker 2 No, no, he's patting himself on the back even harder. He's like, oh, yeah, maybe he knows some stuff.

Speaker 2 He hears his fucking girl's pussy drawing up.

Speaker 2 He's got to try and do something. I mean, I can hear it happening in the room.

Speaker 2 Let alone

Speaker 2 over the mics.

Speaker 2 It's fine.

Speaker 2 But I believe that none of those bombs would be used, and instead, they would employ a neutron bomb, and I'll tell you why. Oh.
Because the South had all the.

Speaker 2 There's nothing to attack! That's all I heard out of your... Oh, that's the only thing you said.
He's been speaking for 10 minutes. Oh.

Speaker 2 you basically are giving me a bunch of people. He likes my idea.
So far, I have nothing to rip on him about that.

Speaker 4 So, you're going with a completely different bomb.

Speaker 4 What about the Davey Crockett? That was an artillery-fired munition.

Speaker 2 Are you going to listen? Okay. Because I got a reason.
All right. Because since the South.
Yeah, what about the Davy Crockett, Brian? Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 The Davey Crockett. I'll get to that in a minute.

Speaker 2 Because the South was so industrialized, because it was such a cotton-based, as you well know,

Speaker 2 industry down there.

Speaker 2 What would they want to do? Would they want to destroy the entire infrastructure of the South?

Speaker 2 And you're also talking about states that are not, like, they dropped Fat Man a Little Boy on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Limited damage.

Speaker 4 Maximum effect.

Speaker 2 Not maximum. Neutron bomb is going to leave your structures intact, leave your industry intact, and kill everybody.
That's a smart way to go. It spreads radiation.

Speaker 2 And if you use a U-238 tamper, it's going to dirty up the radiation and make even more people sad. Yeah, but then you're going to kill people.
So you're going to have

Speaker 2 half the country unpopulable for how long? It's like fallout. Yeah.
Yeah. But that's why you get people in those radiation suits.
You still get Babe Ruth. You have Babe Ruth.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Here we have.

Speaker 4 So we respect the belief that Abraham Lincoln is trying to heal the country. He's like, you know what? Fuck all y'all down there.
You're all dead. Slaves to everybody.

Speaker 4 Don't worry about slavery because the slaves are dead. They don't have a chance to get fucked up.

Speaker 2 But what happened? Well, he didn't make that up.

Speaker 2 That was the topic that was given to him. So you got to make fun of Walt on that one.

Speaker 4 No, he's coming up with using the neutron bomb to kill all the people versus, again, something like Fat Boy and Little Boy, which had minimums.

Speaker 2 So you're saying kill all the people and destroy all the structures.

Speaker 4 No, that's what you're saying with the neutron.

Speaker 2 No, that's your argument. No, with the neutron bomb, I'm saying save the structures.
The people are going to go either way. Why are the structures and people? Who are not going to go either way?

Speaker 2 Because then the union can go down there.

Speaker 2 But in the the next 100 years, when it's fucking able, someone's able to fucking step this up. What makes you think about it? You're saying destroying two cities in Japan

Speaker 4 with destroying two cities in Japan was not as good as just killing everybody in Japan. They wouldn't have surrendered anyway, even though they did surrender.

Speaker 4 You're saying just kill them all so we can save the infrastructure.

Speaker 2 No, you hit strategic areas, get them. You don't carpet your body.

Speaker 4 The neutron bomb is destroying everything and making it dirty so that no one can live in there.

Speaker 2 But the fall of Atlanta, they drop a neutron bomb on Atlanta. It doesn't burn.

Speaker 2 All the structures are still there. Did Did you drop a bomb on Atlanta? No, the North does.
Oh, the North has it.

Speaker 2 Excuse my ignorance, but let me ask something. A neutron

Speaker 2 Fat Man and Little Boy, the radiation was gone like that? Or

Speaker 2 no, not at all. So no matter what, you have an uninhabitable land.

Speaker 2 You have just one single.

Speaker 4 Because they were airburst, I believe they just spread less.

Speaker 2 But that's not an option here. With the hot air balance, it is.

Speaker 2 Not hot enough that would disperse it less.

Speaker 2 But you also... What's up? Well, I'm saying, like, no matter what, you have an uninhabitable land.

Speaker 4 No, underground would actually really reduce the underground bomb, would really reduce the fallout.

Speaker 4 But you won't. It would cause massive devastation still, but it would reduce less fallout.

Speaker 2 And would it make the foil, the soil, completely fucking...

Speaker 4 You would have a crater. And

Speaker 4 the extent would be to that crater.

Speaker 2 If you did an underground detonation, that is fucking absolutely untrue. I want to be clear on that.

Speaker 2 You're saying that if you blow an atomic bomb up, it'll cause a crater, and that's the extent of the damage.

Speaker 4 If you do an underground detonation, yes.

Speaker 2 So, what the fucking point is it building an atomic bomb and sending it down there if you just yeah, right. People are like, What was that noise? Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 4 you just cave in a city.

Speaker 2 What we're trying to do is cave in a city, and then you're like, Hey, you know what? We're gonna, if you don't give up, we're gonna cave in another city.

Speaker 4 You don't know which one could be anybody, yeah, right.

Speaker 2 But, well, as I was trying to say earlier, prof.

Speaker 2 Um,

Speaker 2 Shelby Foote said that the, and I'm paraphrasing here, well-known Civil War historian, said that the North fought the war with one arm tied behind their back.

Speaker 2 And had they untied the other hand, they would have just knocked the shit out of the South. Why did they have one hand tied behind their back? I think because

Speaker 2 when they first got into the war, they, well, okay, I don't have the facts here.

Speaker 2 I believe my hypothesis is that

Speaker 2 when they first got into the war, they didn't expect it to be

Speaker 2 as

Speaker 2 bloody as it was,

Speaker 2 as destructive as it was, because the union, the north, believed that a lot of the southern people were anti-slavery as well. They were wrong about that.

Speaker 2 Like, they would thought mostly plantation owners, people who could profit from the cotton. Okay.
You know,

Speaker 2 the plantation owners. Have you listened to every Tell M'Steve Dave episode, Frank?

Speaker 5 Pretty much, yeah.

Speaker 2 Easily the most smartest episode we've ever produced tonight. Yes, nice, okay.
Very nice.

Speaker 2 I want to keep yelling at it.

Speaker 2 So I believe that Lincoln would have said, look, in any war, there's going to be collateral damage.

Speaker 2 Just like in World War II, they weren't really sure what the radiation was going to do. They didn't know, like, once they dropped that bomb, when they first...

Speaker 2 detonated the gadget, the very first atomic bomb,

Speaker 2 no idea what was going to happen.

Speaker 2 Even when, even with the at the Trinity site, no clue, like as to how destructive it would have been. Theoretically, they kind of knew, but they weren't sure.

Speaker 2 So, if they were to deliver the.

Speaker 2 Do they test a nuclear bomb back in the Civil War times? Before they do it, or do they just build one and use it and hoping it works?

Speaker 2 Well, I think that they are they afraid of catching the atmosphere on fire?

Speaker 2 I think that it would, I mean, if we're going by the way they did it in World War II, I imagine you, I don't know. Okay, let's say they're going by the way they did it in World War II.

Speaker 2 They tried the first design. It didn't work.
They changed to a different kind of design.

Speaker 2 I believe it was called

Speaker 2 the gun model.

Speaker 2 And that was what

Speaker 2 Little Boy was based on. And then Fat Man,

Speaker 2 I don't mean to point to you, get him to say Fat Man, but what you did anyway.

Speaker 2 was fission the fusion bomb and they still weren't sure now did you choose did you specifically, do you have a site that was chosen to detonate the bomb?

Speaker 2 I think that, well, it was a last resort, just like in

Speaker 2 just like in World War II, it was a last resort. They're like, hey,

Speaker 2 these Japanese are not giving up. And even after they detonated the first one in Hiroshima, they still didn't give up.
So then they had to hit Nagasaki.

Speaker 2 Now, if they had waited, just nailed Atlanta, since that was really

Speaker 2 your hypotheses. Atlanta's is the city of choice to uh drop the nuke on or to detonate the nuke and that's the city that would have made everyone

Speaker 2 stand up and say like oh shit all right all right okay so let's let's let's say that it's detonated okay what happens

Speaker 2 the south give up oh south absolutely gives up didn't the japs give up yes

Speaker 2 okay

Speaker 2 so

Speaker 2 so the south gives up the south gives up and now what happens life as we know it goes on. We have Babe Ruth.
Hitler's dead.

Speaker 2 We've got

Speaker 2 an American flags.

Speaker 2 How is Hitler dead?

Speaker 2 The same exact results happen. Stop, stop.

Speaker 2 Are you done?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Do you have more questions?

Speaker 2 No, I don't want to. No, I'm not going to ask questions until you say that.
Well, I mean, I don't have any haymakers like Giddam did.

Speaker 2 If that's what you're expecting.

Speaker 2 Is that it?

Speaker 2 Atlanta is decimated?

Speaker 2 Atlanta is decimated. So the war pretty much ended like it ended anyway.
Ends like it ended anyway.

Speaker 2 Maybe they've s done a couple strategic strikes along the way. Does the rest of the world look at the United States as like, well, these motherfuckers will bomb themselves.

Speaker 2 We have to not mess with them? Yep.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's exactly it. That is my note.
Yeah, now it is, because Q just fucking. No, it isn't.
I'll show you the fucking note right here. No, yeah, yeah, that was in there.
Would the U.S.

Speaker 2 use a a nuke against its own people?

Speaker 2 But the fact that he just brought up a different scenario. He brought up the fact that now we're the fucking mad dogs of the world and no one's going to fuck with us.
That wasn't in your life.

Speaker 2 I thought you said would they just use it against?

Speaker 2 No, I said, would the world, does the world notice that the U.S. will bomb themselves? That's how fucking.

Speaker 2 That's how hardcore we are. Yes.

Speaker 2 Boom. Hey, Danger.

Speaker 2 Now you're done. Now I'm done.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Give him Steve Dave. Are you impressed or unimpressed?

Speaker 4 Somewhat impressed.

Speaker 2 Impressed.

Speaker 4 I mean, he has some,

Speaker 4 he was very knowledgeable about the types of bombs, the different variations.

Speaker 2 He didn't offer a lot of

Speaker 2 butterfly effect, though. There was no butterfly.

Speaker 2 First, it's like, you're too fucking boring. I'm snoring.
And then, if I don't offer more information about bombs,

Speaker 2 no, the butterfly effect. No butterfly

Speaker 2 effect in your scenario. Oh, I wasn't sure.
I wasn't aware that was a

Speaker 2 most

Speaker 2 important. That's the most important thing.
Next butterfly effect last week.

Speaker 4 Butterfly effect was used last week.

Speaker 2 But that's the most fun part of this game. Well, Quinn said it.
Everyone thinks we're mad dogs. They're afraid of us now.

Speaker 2 And now

Speaker 2 America has become basically the Ottoman Empire. Like, we are fucking spread across the world.
It's not Europe anymore. You can't go

Speaker 2 anywhere. You're saying we go from a democracy to

Speaker 2 conquerors? It's American islands.

Speaker 4 What's that? You're saying we become conquerors now because

Speaker 4 we destroyed half of our own country?

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 And obliterated it useless with radiation. Yeah.
But we saved the buildings.

Speaker 2 But there was a little butterfly effect in that, you would agree? A little, yeah. Just on perception.

Speaker 4 No, just on the perception. That would be the only butterfly effect is people go, yeah, they're nuts over there.
Earlier than they have done already. Now people are saying that about us.

Speaker 4 Now, according to him, they're saying it 100 years ago.

Speaker 2 But I also said that

Speaker 2 the North now takes over the South and

Speaker 2 becomes an industrial powerhouse. Yeah, but I mean, let me ask you, when the Civil War ended, were black people like, oh, everything's cool now?

Speaker 2 Were they like, everything's cool now? They're not even like it today.

Speaker 2 Nobody. We're sorry we killed them.
We didn't drop it on the bomb. You can't make an omelet without breaking a few black eggs.

Speaker 2 You better believe the Japanese were like, all right, everything's cool now.

Speaker 2 No more, no more. No boss.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Q, are you impressed or unimpressed? Oh, I don't even have to ask. I don't even have to fucking ask.
I saw him wiping this out of his mouth. I was most impressed.
I was impressed.

Speaker 2 The guy did his research.

Speaker 2 You know what I was mostly impressed by? Why I'm giving an impress? And I think you'll agree with me after I say this, Walter. He was able to fend off the attacks and stay on point, unlike the

Speaker 2 over there who fucking couldn't string two sentences together at the slightest challenge.

Speaker 2 He's like fucking the confusion. He sounds like a seal asking for a fish.

Speaker 2 His face got already fucking.

Speaker 2 He couldn't get a fucking word out. Who the word I've been doing

Speaker 2 for a hundred years? That little fire effect.

Speaker 2 Conch and effect. Yeah, whereas Brian was able to stay in the pocket.

Speaker 2 But the most important aspect of the game is the butterfly effect. You would agree or not agree?

Speaker 2 It's the most fun part of the game. It's the most fun part of the game.
Yes. And there was barely any of that stuff.
He just wanted to throw a lot of

Speaker 2 names. Right.
Sarbamba. Right.
Oh, the guy who was sitting there agreeing with me like two seconds earlier, like, yeah, that's cool, right?

Speaker 2 That may have been the most below-the-belt sequence ever directed. I get him right there.

Speaker 2 I'm still pissed about the skull with him last week. All right, so impressed, you're saying.

Speaker 2 I'm not too impressed. What? He's got two impressive remarks from the celebrity judges, but all that matters is the prop.
Well, now he's tainted because you got shit all over me.

Speaker 2 Lucky did shit all over me.

Speaker 2 That was their job.

Speaker 4 Should he go in a soundproof booth?

Speaker 2 Well, I'm pretty sure he respects Quinn more than you, anyway.

Speaker 2 All right, prof. All right, so

Speaker 5 nice job.

Speaker 5 Presence, body language, contact, eye contact, that was all great. Language skills, he used all of the words correctly, which was great.

Speaker 5 Mastery of the subject, you know, knew the bombs' names,

Speaker 5 seemed to know the information. No visual aid,

Speaker 5 but I like.

Speaker 2 What do you get a five in?

Speaker 5 Okay,

Speaker 5 presence, which is the body language and the eye contact and that stuff. And language skills.

Speaker 2 Okay, what do you get a A zero in it? Charismatic and well-spoken. Did you get any zeros? Yes.
Ooh, let's hear the zeros.

Speaker 5 It's the visual aid.

Speaker 2 Okay. That was it? That's the only zero? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Damn. What about the butterfly effect?

Speaker 2 I have that in there. The butterfly effect.
I should have pulled up a picture of a bomb and just showed it to him.

Speaker 2 All right, so we're not going to reveal the score until after Q goes.

Speaker 2 I'm just looking at a picture of Elvis right now. BQ, you had the most fun topic, I thought.
Yeah, I think that's it.

Speaker 2 The one that everybody really, I thought, Brian, his was a little

Speaker 2 dark.

Speaker 2 Yes. Yours is a lot more fun, a lot more, there are a lot more

Speaker 2 opportunities to put your butterfly wings on.

Speaker 2 Right? Yeah, although my story does not end happily, Walter. Okay, but let's, for listeners who may not have been here last week,

Speaker 2 your topic was what if the world is introduced to Elvis Presley on the

Speaker 2 what's the show again?

Speaker 2 The Ed Sullivan Show,

Speaker 2 not by him performing rock and roll,

Speaker 2 but by rapping. Right.
I thought you said gangster or hardcore. It doesn't matter.
Rapping. It really doesn't matter.
Obviously,

Speaker 2 I'm going to give you one here, because I gave one to get him.

Speaker 2 If he's on the Milton Burrell show, what's his Ed Sullivan show?

Speaker 2 He's stop thinking of

Speaker 2 it. He's singing hardcore.
He's going to be rapping, but it's not going to be the rap. He's not going to get any airtime if he's on.

Speaker 2 Of course. Okay.
All righty.

Speaker 2 The presentation begins.

Speaker 2 Give me one second.

Speaker 2 Oh, he's got audio. There we go.

Speaker 2 There we see.

Speaker 2 Look at that.

Speaker 2 You don't know who that is.

Speaker 2 You know who that is? You know what he did?

Speaker 2 Change American music, my friends.

Speaker 2 It's flavor-flavored.

Speaker 2 He made it.

Speaker 2 He created rock and roll.

Speaker 2 This is Rob.

Speaker 2 That's the man.

Speaker 2 Finish that.

Speaker 2 Do you hear that crowd cough?

Speaker 2 Do you hear that? That is an applause sign. Do you hear them going nuts? Those women going berserk, buddy?

Speaker 2 Imagine if that gentleman. did not harness the power of rock and roll on September 9th, 1956, when he showed up on on the Ed Sullivan show.

Speaker 2 Thanks. I got a point.

Speaker 2 That was one of my points that you had to hit. And you got it.
I got to give you credit on that one, man.

Speaker 2 I have things that I was looking for people to hit. You just hit one of them.
Well, I didn't hit any of them.

Speaker 2 Obviously, he could have hit them all.

Speaker 2 What if he did not perform Love Me Tender? Don't Be Cruel, Hound Dog, and Ready Teddy on that fateful night, my friend. He sang four songs that night? That's right.
That's right.

Speaker 2 And in fact, that night that he was on, Ed Sullivan wasn't even the host that night. He was out sick.

Speaker 2 How crazy is that? Is this in your timeline or in real life? No, this is real life. And that's why Elvis had the chutzpah to try something different.
Or chutzpah.

Speaker 2 The chutzpah. Fuck you.

Speaker 4 Phonetically. The chutzpah.

Speaker 2 What am I going to get?

Speaker 2 I'm going to get knocked down for not being Jewish.

Speaker 2 Consult with me first.

Speaker 2 All right. Now, here's the thing.

Speaker 2 Now, everybody loved Elvis already, the kids. Already? Oh, yeah.
By the time he was on Elvis, that was the thing that put him over. He was already building Critical Mass.

Speaker 2 He was there. He was on another show earlier than that.
Ed Sullivan didn't want him on the show, but he was on a show prior to that, and the ratings went through the roof.

Speaker 2 So Ed Sullivan's like, I got to have this guy on. So that's why he was on.
Okay? And what. Now, imagine.

Speaker 4 Now, is he going through the roof because of his own ability, or was it because of of the Colonel?

Speaker 2 No, his own abides. Elvis Colonel wasn't even there yet.
Oh, okay. Elvis.

Speaker 2 The other kids bypassed Elvis to get to the Colonel. Right.

Speaker 2 The Colonel wasn't even in the picture then.

Speaker 2 He was still being represented. He was still working at Sun Record by Sam Phillips.

Speaker 4 Oh, so he was being represented by somebody?

Speaker 2 Sam Phillips. Okay.
Had his contract. Thank you.

Speaker 2 I see what you mean, Walt. Like, get him coming in with these zingers right away.

Speaker 2 It's really throwing cue.

Speaker 2 Now, this is what I'm saying, bro. I imagine that what he rapped about in the rap style that he was creating that very night,

Speaker 2 the topic that he was rapping about would have been way more acceptable to America, white America, than what rappers came out with when hardcore rap came out with the killing of the cops and expressing black rage and black suppression and stuff like that.

Speaker 2 So even if they didn't like the style of rap, they would have approved of the message that Elvis was delivering way more than they would have done hardcore rap.

Speaker 4 So Ice T would have been like the new Beatles?

Speaker 2 I see this is I see a glimmer in his fucking great-grandfather's eye. He's not even around at that point.

Speaker 4 What you're saying, but it was people like Ice T.

Speaker 2 You want me to enter the butterfly effect before I do the thesis? Is that

Speaker 2 maybe that's why nobody was impressed with you? Because you

Speaker 2 probably got a zero. You started with no Hitler.
You didn't work up to it. He had a disadvantage.
He had a disadvantage going first. He's got a lot of disadvantages.
Big disadvantage.

Speaker 2 And you got the advantage of going last because you got to see what he was going to do. That's fine, and I accept being marked on that.
Plus, you're awesome so far.

Speaker 2 So right away, I mean, parents were rolling their eyes at Elvis no matter what, at the style of music. They wouldn't have rolled it over anymore because Elvis was Elvis.

Speaker 2 And here's the thing about Elvis. He would have made it work, Professor.
And do you know why? Do you know out of 500 and change songs, do you know how many Elvis wrote? How many? Zero.

Speaker 2 Because Elvis wasn't a writer. Elvis was a performer, my friend.
He was a performer, and he was one of the best performers of all time, undisputed.

Speaker 2 He's a far better performer than just about any rapper that has ever lived. So he would have performed the fuck out of it, my friend.
He would have sold rap.

Speaker 4 So he would have said about how hard it is to be on the streets, having never been on the streets.

Speaker 2 He wouldn't have been rapping about being on the streets. That's what I'm saying.
He just said,

Speaker 2 he would rap about things that white America could relate to. The girls.
Bad hound dogs. Sock cops.
Fast cars. Yeah.
Trying to get the girl. Get him.

Speaker 2 If you don't have a barb, don't fucking open your mouth. Hey, da, I got a question about.
Well, it doesn't really pertain to what you're saying, but um

Speaker 2 and let me explain. Let me do another thing.
Just a little note I wrote here about Elvis and rappers, okay? All right, Elvis was already very, very ostentatious. Oh, fuck.
Okay, you think a break.

Speaker 2 You think I have that written down here? Yeah, but you just looked at the biggest word in the fucking dictionary. That was written.
This was written before I got here.

Speaker 2 I didn't throw that in just a minute. No, no, no.
He's mad about any word over two shots. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 But yeah, but you're like you're coming through this prof. You think Flavor Flava and his clock was gaudy? Elvis wore motherfucking bejeweled jumpsuits, all right? He put everybody else's shame.

Speaker 2 MC Hammer may have went bankrupt putting his initials on the front gate of his house, but Elvis put himself on the front gates of Graceland and he didn't go broke. You know why, prof?

Speaker 2 Because Elvis was gangster before there was even gangster. All right? It's such a short hop to think that he would invent rap because he basically invented the rap lifestyle.

Speaker 2 He's rolling around around in gold-plated cars. He's got the jewelry.
He's got the front. He's got

Speaker 2 the land, the graceland with his own face on the game. This guy

Speaker 2 was rap before there was rap. And he didn't go broke.
Another, like, really, I mean, you got to give up, man. Another thing.
He created the rap lifestyle. I didn't even.
Before.

Speaker 2 Before. I had that down.
Like, you know, he was a rapper.

Speaker 2 You could have copied his lifestyle. I got examples.
He carried guns and badges for no reason. He shot up TVs.

Speaker 2 I was going going to say, the only difference is the cops liked him.

Speaker 2 He shot up TVs. He threatened to kill the man his ex-wife started dating just because he thought it made him look bad.
Like, that's what we're dealing with. He learned karate just so he can kick ass.

Speaker 2 Look,

Speaker 2 as a result, though,

Speaker 2 this is a butterfly effect. Okay?

Speaker 2 He would have inspired imitators. All right.
Suddenly, you don't have Jerry Lewis setting pianos on fire, Professor. Jerry Lee Lewis.
Jerry Lee Lewis.

Speaker 2 A lady. I'm lighting the thing

Speaker 2 Boyman Glamon.

Speaker 2 You don't have Jerry Lee Lewis.

Speaker 2 And now, who could fucking possibly say you don't belong here?

Speaker 2 What asshole is emailing me when you just had a fucking Jerry Lewis event? He's ready.

Speaker 2 He was ready to go with it.

Speaker 2 Come on, give him, you gotta give extra points for that.

Speaker 2 No, you can't actively give him an extra point for that. You can't regrade his favorite for a fucking joke.

Speaker 2 So, like Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin, right? Jerry Lee Lewis.

Speaker 2 No. No, Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin, yeah.
Yeah, so like Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin, they wouldn't have been singing like old-time standards and stuff like that. They would have been rapping.

Speaker 2 He would have had to imitate his all the way down the line.

Speaker 2 Bring me to Jerry Lee Lewis. Q, would it be the rap pack?

Speaker 2 Thank you very much for doing the rap. You can't buy an extra point, too.

Speaker 2 Now, Jerry Lee Lewis

Speaker 2 would have entered the rap game. Okay.
She's encouraging him. And then what would have followed is also kind of a rap thing, many songs about underage women and girls.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Because that's what Jerry Lee Lewis likes. Okay.

Speaker 2 So did Elvis. Okay.

Speaker 2 Now. Oh, no.
I know where this butterfly effect is going. Now you know where it's celebrating already, right?

Speaker 2 So now

Speaker 2 they played on the same build.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. They played on the same bill a lot.

Speaker 2 They were on the same build quite often, right? And what happened now is like, while they were rapping about these underage girls, they would get underage girls backstage. And Jerry Lee Lewis

Speaker 2 stole one of Elvis' girls. You understand? So Elvis started rapping anti-Jerry Lee Lewis stuff just like rappers did today, dropping new songs.
That's Goats War. This is the butterfly effect.
It is.

Speaker 2 It's this butterfly effect. And the Memphis Mafia would be like, yo, fuck Jerry Lee Lewis.
If we see him, we're going to shoot him. Jerry Lee Lewis would now drop a diss track on vinyl

Speaker 2 to Elvis, and

Speaker 2 they would start like a rivalry. And unfortunately,

Speaker 2 our story ends sadly, my friend, because Jerry Lee Lewis would roll up on Elvis in the world's first ever drive-by and take him out.

Speaker 2 And Elvis would not have died on the toilet at 42 years of age in Graceland in in 1977.

Speaker 2 He would have died back in 1962, a victim of his own success and the game that he didn't change, bro.

Speaker 2 He invented

Speaker 2 his delivery is really good. Yeah, because there's no butterfly effect.
He's pretty much replacing Jerry Lewis and Elvis.

Speaker 4 He's replacing Tupac and Biggie with Elvis and Jerry Lee Lewis.

Speaker 2 And that's the point.

Speaker 2 Oh, wait. That's what we're supposed to do.

Speaker 2 That's the end of my talk. It was a good Haymaker queue.

Speaker 2 That was really, really well done. Thank you, Brian.
Thank you very much.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 I got to go to the celebrities.

Speaker 2 Are you impressed, Brian? I mean, I don't recall any barbs being bandied about.

Speaker 2 I only mean one thing.

Speaker 2 Very impressed, Brian. Very impressive.
You didn't ask yourself, like, well, then who would have introduced rock and roll to the the masses?

Speaker 2 You didn't ask, well, if not for Elvis, where do the Beatles stand in

Speaker 2 our world? But that doesn't mean other people couldn't have come along and done that. I just assumed somebody would.

Speaker 2 You didn't ask yourself that, huh?

Speaker 2 No, I didn't. I was so.

Speaker 2 Because I was so entranced by your delivery. But you're not, you're not.
I was focused. I couldn't think of anything else.

Speaker 2 You don't think to yourself, well, who's the most likely artist to bring rock and roll to prominence?

Speaker 2 i do have an answer for that uh jerry lewis

Speaker 2 i do have an answer for that

Speaker 2 you got another jerry lewis you want me to answer that because i haven't you haven't i do actually i thought about this all right because um what you're doing is you're taking away the culture that black people created okay and as we know elvis sort of shifted blues and black music at the time into what was rock and roll

Speaker 2 He wouldn't have done that now. So you would have had the black culture would have been the extension and evolution of the blues into rock and roll.

Speaker 2 And you would get a lot more of Jimi Hendrix style, rock and roll.

Speaker 2 So rock is the introduction of rock is pushed all the way back to the 60s? Yes. What about Lil Richard?

Speaker 2 He'd be rapping. He'd be rapping.
Or might be rapping.

Speaker 2 He'd be rapping. Yeah, everybody.
He'd be rapping. Sure.

Speaker 2 Or he would have been doing the blues.

Speaker 2 He would have been continuing to do that.

Speaker 2 What about that other guy?

Speaker 2 What about that other guy? What are you saying? Walt, they all look alike.

Speaker 2 There was another famous rock

Speaker 2 guy earlier. Chuck Berry? Yeah, what about Chuck Berry? All of them would be.
He's Pat's Domino. They'd all be rapping? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no. They would have been continuing the Blue.
They're down in the South cursing the cotton gin.

Speaker 2 And what about the Beatles? Well, the Beatles. Yeah, the Beatles.
The Beatles would have become rappers because they were heavily inspired by Elvis. Stacy says no.

Speaker 2 Well, she's not in this game.

Speaker 2 Oh, Stacy, she was not impressed.

Speaker 2 How are you getting old?

Speaker 2 She says the Beatles would not have become rappers. The Beatles were very inspired.
The Rolling Stones wouldn't have become rappers because they were more inspired by blues music than Rocky.

Speaker 2 The Beatles rap. The Beatles would have done rap.

Speaker 2 All right,

Speaker 2 so we know Brian's impressed. Get him, Steve Dave.
Impressed or unimpressed?

Speaker 4 I'm going to have to say unimpressed because, like I said, he pretty much just took Tupac and Biggie's life story.

Speaker 2 You just revealed yourself to be a scam as a human being. No, you just.

Speaker 4 Well, instead of this guy and this guy, it was this guy and this guy that did the exact same thing.

Speaker 4 You're not supposed, you're not, you know,

Speaker 4 you're not supposing that there's changes, big changes.

Speaker 2 I think the audience would have respected it a little bit more. But wait a second.
You're saying that. I acknowledge that he fucking delivered the goods.

Speaker 4 Oh, he did deliver the goods, but again.

Speaker 2 You should have kept your mouth shut.

Speaker 2 But you're saying that big and Tupac invented rap, which they obviously didn't.

Speaker 4 No, but he's just, he's, again, that's just for that part of the East Coast, West Coast work.

Speaker 2 He fucking at least took, he took the scenario and crafted an entertaining story. I had a fucking video and audio.
I'm not denying you.

Speaker 2 I'm just denying you.

Speaker 2 You just kept saying the same things over and over again. The wall turned on him, so he doesn't know what to do.

Speaker 2 I want you to have quick answers at the ready.

Speaker 2 for questions you couldn't anticipate.

Speaker 2 But questions that he did, he should have anticipated. Yeah, he should have been ready for anything.
Look, he's playing Pokemon Go. He doesn't give a shit.

Speaker 2 You're searching for Pokemon's? He's fucking hunting a charizard or whatever the fuck they are.

Speaker 2 I think it's time. Maybe

Speaker 2 take a get him Steve Dave break and revive him.

Speaker 2 Take a little breather.

Speaker 2 I mean, you were my guy tonight, and you fucking went in the ring and fucking rolled over.

Speaker 2 I was your guy tonight. Yes,

Speaker 2 I didn't know it

Speaker 2 before the night began, but yeah, now you showed your tummy, and you fucking

Speaker 2 rolled over, presented yourself.

Speaker 2 All right, prof.

Speaker 2 Let's keep everyone in suspense. I didn't won this tonight.

Speaker 5 All right, so I'm looking at cues,

Speaker 5 and I knew the dates, knew the history, knew that Ed Sullivan didn't host that night.

Speaker 2 I knew he fucking had his contract back there. And you didn't have any questions ready.
Did you have questions ready for him? Because you didn't ask any. Yeah, you did.
What about the Colonel?

Speaker 2 That was it.

Speaker 2 And that was it. It was over after that.

Speaker 2 You didn't have anything.

Speaker 2 You knew what

Speaker 2 his topic was. You should have had things to throw him off, and you didn't.
I tried to help you.

Speaker 2 I tried. You just ripped off Biggie and Tupac.

Speaker 2 yeah but at least he fucking had at least he he crafted an entertaining story

Speaker 2 and you could and you had the fucking you had the you had everything in your hands you had the you were taking i told you to go heavy on the holocaust and you didn't even said it once

Speaker 2 you said it once

Speaker 2 it was way too holocaust light for my taste

Speaker 2 well heavy on the lack of a holocaust that's how it was said we said yeah you said it once

Speaker 2 at the very end. All right, sorry.
What you got on the Jews list? Sorry, bro.

Speaker 2 I want to hear what my scores were, Brov. I'm very interested in my scores.

Speaker 5 So, anyway, as I was saying, straight down, I mean, you know, just did a fantastic job.

Speaker 2 And,

Speaker 5 you know, just really, really good. I mean, do you want me to now go through?

Speaker 2 Did he get any fives? Yeah.

Speaker 2 What five didn't he get?

Speaker 2 He certainly got this five.

Speaker 2 Where did he get some fives in?

Speaker 5 He got a five presence. I mean, eye contact.
He was looking straight at me. He was showing me that video.
He was engaging me. He was bringing me into it.
Poise.

Speaker 5 Organization. I mean,

Speaker 5 his organization was fantastic.

Speaker 2 I mean, is it an unfair advantage?

Speaker 2 He is a seasoned performer. MC James works in a fucking comic book store.
I'm just here to barely.

Speaker 2 He doesn't do anything without being told.

Speaker 2 He will just literally stare into space if I'm like, oh, we got to get this up.

Speaker 2 That is an unfair advantage, though, isn't it? Is it or is it not?

Speaker 2 If he's intellectually disabled.

Speaker 5 I'm just grading who they put in front of me.

Speaker 2 You know, there's no curve in your world?

Speaker 2 In the classroom? No, no curve in my classroom. Really? In the classroom, there's no curve.
What you earn is that you have to go. You don't get

Speaker 2 that come from this,

Speaker 2 maybe have this advantage over another child. Like the retarded.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 For me, it's always been what you get is what you earn and that's yeah get him stepped in the arena he accepted the challenge arrogantly i might i know his claims he's the smartest guy in the room compass you yeah man i can't even use that anymore

Speaker 2 he sounds so hurt in his song

Speaker 2 I thought this was going to be like you were just going to, like I said, man, just knock it out of the park.

Speaker 4 This is a man who's been in love with Elvis for years, so he knows a lot more than I

Speaker 2 than I do about the cotton chip.

Speaker 2 But I know you.

Speaker 4 I don't have a picture of Eli Whitney hanging in my

Speaker 2 bedroom. But I knew that, but I thought, at least I thought

Speaker 2 you were passionate about these weird dates.

Speaker 2 You told me.

Speaker 4 You said dates aren't interesting. Stay away from the dates.

Speaker 2 That's what you said.

Speaker 2 Don't go away from the dates. They're not interesting.

Speaker 2 I'm with the haymaker. Before I hired you.

Speaker 2 Before I hired you, you told me, give me a task. If I have a defined task,

Speaker 2 I can perform an unbelievable job. I gave you a defined task twice now.

Speaker 2 Was it a blanket, fuck everything up?

Speaker 2 I gave you to get them on the shelf. You fucked that up.
And now you give me the cotton gun.

Speaker 2 And you're fucking into the, and you just shat.

Speaker 4 I think I came up with a damn, the cotton effect is a damn good theory.

Speaker 2 You've caused a mutiny amongst the listeners.

Speaker 2 They're dropping like flowers.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I went to. I fucking told the dude.
His name is Kevin Casson. I want to apologize right now to Kevin Casson.
I sent the fucking nastiest email to Kevin Casson, a long time ago.

Speaker 2 He's a six-year listener.

Speaker 2 Listen to what I sent him.

Speaker 2 It was like he was defending his wife's honor.

Speaker 2 Where is it? Kevin Casson sent an email the other day. I didn't tell you this, get get him,

Speaker 2 because

Speaker 2 I don't want to throw you on the

Speaker 2 humiliation.

Speaker 2 Please, please, please, I can no longer stand Get him Steve Dave. He talks over everyone, and he is a know-it-all.
He is annoying. I can stand his dumb shit.

Speaker 2 I have purchased everything, clothing, albums, jerseys, movies.

Speaker 2 I've listened to every Tell him Steve Dave twice. Yada, yada, yada.

Speaker 2 If you continue to have Giddim Steve Dave on, I will be forced to stop listening.

Speaker 2 Read what I wrote to Kevin.

Speaker 2 Read it. And fucking tell me now how fucking.

Speaker 2 I must have been hypnotized. I don't understand why I would write this, but go ahead.
Don't mess it up.

Speaker 2 You should hypnotize me.

Speaker 4 While I appreciate you ordering and supporting the podcast, that doesn't mean that allows you to make ultimatums like that.

Speaker 4 Well, I guess you can, as you just did, but that doesn't mean we are going to make TESD how you specifically want it. We will make TESD specifically how we want it.

Speaker 4 If we want to get him on, he's going to be on. Plain and simple.

Speaker 4 Normally, I would end this with sorry to hear he's going to cause you to stop listening, but I'm sick of getting emails from people threatening to stop listening if Variah brings up political correctness, or if we talk politics, or if we continue to play a game a listener doesn't like, or if a certain person sits in.

Speaker 4 If you're going to stop listening, then just stop. No need to announce it to me or go on Twitter.

Speaker 2 Wow. Strong words to a long time.
And you want to retrack a little bit?

Speaker 2 I want to beg.

Speaker 2 Is this the first apology and tell him Steve Dave history? It could be. First issued apology.
Well, sincere, anyway.

Speaker 2 I'm going to email him right now and tell him.

Speaker 2 Like, please listen to this week's episode.

Speaker 2 I am so sorry.

Speaker 2 I am so sorry.

Speaker 2 I was so wrong.

Speaker 2 Please, please, please

Speaker 2 listen to this week's episodes

Speaker 2 where I tuck my tail between the legs.

Speaker 2 All right, and send.

Speaker 2 All right, so we are ready to deliver the final numerical numbers to see who won tonight.

Speaker 5 Shit, well, I didn't finish Q's fives, but we can

Speaker 2 numbers. Did he get any zeros? No.

Speaker 2 All right. All right, well,

Speaker 2 Before we do Frank Spive's final evaluation,

Speaker 2 I have another.

Speaker 2 I just want to do this because I'm really behind this doing this for ants. So it's more Butterwings shit? It is more Butterwings.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 I like this aspect. I like the idea of us promoting ants who have small businesses.

Speaker 2 I think it's a nice way to give back to

Speaker 2 the community who support us so heavily as they do out the year. I like it.
So if you have a small business and you are interested in advertising on Telm Steve Dave, hit me up in 2017.

Speaker 2 Probably, you know, maybe we'll do it like once a month or something. But Butterwinks brings you one-of-a-kind framed cookie commissions.
Perfect gift for this holiday season. You imagine that?

Speaker 2 You can get a framed

Speaker 2 cookie, like up your favorite picture. Maybe you drew something for your girl or your guy and give it to them in a cookie as well as the original picture.

Speaker 2 You can get like Jerry Lee Lewis firing a shot into Elvis on a cookie. I'm looking at some of the stuff on here.
Check Check this out, Walt. In a pink Cadillac.
Oh,

Speaker 2 yeah. Oh, wait, I don't think that's a cookie.
It's just a portrait she drew. But you can get that as a cookie.
Oh, you can get that? Yeah, Frankenstein? That looks pretty cool.

Speaker 2 You can browse through hundreds of pictures of past work on Facebook or Instagram at Butterwinks, or check out butterwinks.com for even more gift,

Speaker 2 great gift options for the art lover in your life. T-shirts now on sale for the low price of $14.

Speaker 2 Everything in store has free shipping, and you get 10% off when you use the TESD code support afellowant, butterweek butterwinks.com.

Speaker 2 And this week, two random orders, whatever the Butterwinks sends me, two random orders, I'm going to send some felt

Speaker 2 from the poker table on a card to two randoms. So refrain from buying it for $400 on eBay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you go support Butterwinks, and she'll send me two random addresses, and I'll send out some felt if you're interested. And

Speaker 2 one last thing before Frank,

Speaker 2 a little bit more housekeeping here. We had a wonderful person send in

Speaker 2 five free Christmas pods

Speaker 2 that they want to distribute to some aunts who can't afford it this year. Oh, wow.
That's what was the name of it. Nancy.
Nancy.

Speaker 2 And if you are feeling the pinch this year and you want to get a free XMS pod, the first five people who email me at KMUs2

Speaker 2 at gmail, I'm going to send you the link and you're going to

Speaker 2 Nancy.

Speaker 2 And finally,

Speaker 2 Sheldon the Sheep is back.

Speaker 2 No, we were able to give away that jersey, Q. Oh, last week I said if anybody gets the TESD

Speaker 2 tank and the world takes. Yeah.
Well, we have a winner,

Speaker 2 Tieco Tonoroma.

Speaker 2 Has won that.

Speaker 2 He got the tattoo, and he's going to be getting the jersey. We've signed it.
I'm going to get Sunday Jeff to sign it. It's going to go out next week then.
That's fucking unbelievable.

Speaker 2 It's unbelievable, right?

Speaker 2 And finally, I'm bringing back something that a lot of people have been asking for. It's almost as a punishment now after this week.
It's Giddam's Glory Hole. When?

Speaker 2 Throughout this month. If you want to call and fuck him up, every day, 12 through 3 at the fucking

Speaker 2 Jersey Turnpike Rest.

Speaker 2 If you want to call up and talk to Giddam and order a Glory Hole and also berate him for his performance on these last couple TSDs,

Speaker 2 please feel free to call 732-758-0508. Order a Glory Hole.
And for those who don't remember, it's $200 worth of merchandise for $100 shipped. And

Speaker 2 you get a chance to talk to Giddam. If I answer, hang up.

Speaker 2 And call back again until Giddam answers.

Speaker 2 And no abuse is too strong, right?

Speaker 2 No. They can say anything about it.
Anything you want about anything regarding Gidham. How much you can't stand him? Yep.
How much you feel he's a weight on an albatross? Yeah, he's an albatross.

Speaker 2 That's the only word for him. He's a cancer.

Speaker 2 And tell him, Steve Dave, that, you know, and it's malignant. Yes, very.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and say all that prior to your order.

Speaker 2 He then has to. You cannot say anything back.
You just have to say that. Thank you, sir.

Speaker 2 Can I please have your details so I can send you your glory haul? Okay, as long as I get their address, yeah.

Speaker 2 Hey, Walt here, calling on my time phone from the future. It's December 6th, and the Glory Hole ad has been up for a couple days now.

Speaker 2 And you guys calling in for Giddam the Glory Hole are lamb-basting him. I mean, some of the things you guys are saying to him are

Speaker 2 beyond the pale. I mean, it's like war crimes territory.
It's so horrible, I feel I gotta step in. So, new option.

Speaker 2 If you want to order one of Giddem's Glory Holes, which is 200 bucks a stash merch, for $100 shipped within America, and you don't insult Giddem, you're going to get one of those limited-edition Tell Hem Steve Dave cards with the poker table felt.

Speaker 2 These things are super hot, sell them for like $400 on eBay. But you're going to get yours today if you order a Glory Hole.

Speaker 2 If you don't care about the felt and just want to take the opportunity to dress down Giddem and dehumanize them, all the while getting some sweet stash swag, the number is the same for both options: 732-758-0508.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Back to the show.

Speaker 2 That's it. Thank God, that's it.

Speaker 2 Can you just do one thing for me? Sure. Brian, could you read this out loud? Because I'm not talking to Stacey.
What's that John Lennon quote right there?

Speaker 2 Before Elvis, there was nothing, says John Lennon. Okay.

Speaker 2 So you would guess from that quote,

Speaker 2 he was pretty influenced by Elvis. A hair, I'd say.

Speaker 2 Never have I wanted her to speak more than to say, why did you shake your head, though, there? You don't believe that the Beatles would have been rappers. You didn't like the idea of it?

Speaker 2 Here's another quote: Elvis was religion to me, John Lennon.

Speaker 2 So you think that maybe. She's allowed to

Speaker 2 create her own to cross me?

Speaker 2 Not under Q, Sonic.

Speaker 2 All right. She knows a way of the world.

Speaker 2 I didn't realize you were that.

Speaker 2 It's fucking 1960s in this room before.

Speaker 2 It's 2016 outside there.

Speaker 2 All right, Frank Five, you got some final scores for us?

Speaker 5 The final scores.

Speaker 2 Let's do last place. Okay, we're going valedictorian, salutatorian, and dunce.

Speaker 2 So I'm guessing it's the order it was presented in. All right, so

Speaker 5 forget him and Walt.

Speaker 2 Whoa!

Speaker 2 Oh, the next big fucking Tell him Steve Dave event. Maybe that may not be Frankless if we're going to go with it.

Speaker 2 Frank redacted.

Speaker 2 It'll be La Dondo Full.

Speaker 2 Frankless.

Speaker 2 All right, you want. All right, go ahead.
No, I can't. Give him Steve Dave and Walt combo score.

Speaker 5 Honestly, then and I want to say that you guys did a really good job. I mean, honestly, and you know, you could only do so much.
I understand that well. He was giving

Speaker 2 topic. Yeah, he was.
Oh, you're not talking about his limited capacity for thought.

Speaker 2 It was coming. He had it, man.
It's just, you know what it is?

Speaker 2 It's like those guys that are really great on the sand lot, but then when they get under the lights, you know, and organized, they just don't have it.

Speaker 2 When they're under the lights, they just freeze up. Crack it.
Yeah, but he had it. He knew it, and he was ready to go.
I told you when I got here, I was like, he's going to fucking crush it.

Speaker 2 I've seen American Idol where they plead their cases as the judges

Speaker 2 deliver the verdicts. I was just really disappointed because I really don't think it has anything to do with the fact that he dissed the skull and I've been taking care of the skull for a week.

Speaker 2 You know, I mean, that I ended up like Tanya Harding at the Olympics. Yeah,

Speaker 2 I didn't, I didn't, and I didn't.

Speaker 2 I mean, I haven't read that whole thing, but it seems like maybe that's the beginning of your downfall. It's made to the point of the skills.
Oh, that's the beginning.

Speaker 2 Now, do they get any extra points for being a couple of Aussies, right?

Speaker 2 A couple of autistics? No, you didn't.

Speaker 2 Right,

Speaker 2 that doesn't factor in that we're kind of a little bit behind the eight ball.

Speaker 2 The intellectuals.

Speaker 2 I'm going to give you some extra points. It ain't going to help, I guess he could.
All right, we'll take some points. Two, two, two, two.
Two, three.

Speaker 2 All right. Now, bear in mind that I have ADD and bipolar too, so I want points as well.
No.

Speaker 2 Nobody wants points. This is what America's coming to.
No, he only wants to use it now

Speaker 2 at the disadvantage.

Speaker 2 Give everybody two points. No, that's not.
Oh, wow. All right.
So get him.

Speaker 5 When all is said and done, with the point.

Speaker 2 You know how hard it is for us to look people in the eye?

Speaker 2 With the.

Speaker 2 Out of a possible 30 points. Yeah.

Speaker 5 19.

Speaker 2 That's respectable. Out of a possible 30?

Speaker 2 Possible 30, yeah. That's pretty good.
That's what the two are. Yeah, that's great.
You would have gotten like a 65 on your test.

Speaker 2 Still passing.

Speaker 2 Good.

Speaker 2 It was a good topic. It was.
It was a solid C minus S. It wasn't a softball like Elvis.
No, no, no. It was too much.
You're the one who fucking gave it to him.

Speaker 2 And I wanted him to do well, too. I didn't want to give him something.
You think if he would do anything if I gave him Giddam's topic? You think he would have wanted to have crushed anything.

Speaker 2 I would have crushed anything. It doesn't matter what.

Speaker 2 Would he have done anything? I would have crushed. Dude, I fucking

Speaker 2 wrote an essay. But you love Elvis.
Yeah, but I would have loved Genghis.

Speaker 2 I wanted to do something in your wheelhouse. I appreciate that, but I would have done.

Speaker 4 He's going to shut a video of a cotton gin running.

Speaker 2 Seriously, I think it's unfair to suggest he doesn't love cotton gins as well.

Speaker 2 I mean, I gave Brian the heaviest topic, the darkest topic, because that's what he likes, dark.

Speaker 2 And I gave him the headiest and the one that would be the most intellectually boring, but yet to be able to get it. Adorable.
Because up until now, I thought he was smart.

Speaker 2 Because I was, again, I was trying to make Kevin Cassin eat shit, but

Speaker 2 I'm the one that's a little shit.

Speaker 2 I got a fucking brown smile I will never fucking wear off. Thanks to get him.
Kevin Cassin squatting over Walt's face.

Speaker 2 All right, so he's got a 19. He's got a 19.

Speaker 5 For Brian, like I said,

Speaker 5 once again, another nice job. The only thing that really hurt you, Brian, was the fact that there was no visual aid.

Speaker 2 No one heckled him. The what? No visual aid.
No visual aid.

Speaker 2 No heckling.

Speaker 2 And then no heckling. Wait, how did you take no heckling off for me?

Speaker 5 No, I didn't take any points for that.

Speaker 2 I'm just going. Had I known there was going to be a visual aid component, I definitely would.
It was not mentioned.

Speaker 2 Right. Yeah, but you could have with your phone.
Q didn't have one either. I could have.
Well, actually, that's not true. Look at this.
Check it out.

Speaker 2 I have actually downloaded pictures of Elvis and Jerry Lee Lewis beforehand, but I decided the last second to go with the video. Nice.
Yeah. So the last one's on his roll.

Speaker 2 Even Jerry Lee Lewis with an underage girl I had up there.

Speaker 2 She looks like she's 10.

Speaker 2 But you know what I thought you were going to go with? The butterfly effect was going to be? That

Speaker 2 it made

Speaker 2 what they did with underage girls more acceptable, like in France or something. You know how it is in France in general shitholes.

Speaker 2 But in America,

Speaker 2 that would become almost like a girl. No, France, India.

Speaker 2 I thought that's what you were leading to, the butterfly effect would be like our culture. That was acceptable.
I had had to figure out a way to get them dissing each other. And

Speaker 2 that's the only thing they shared with Underage girls. Yeah, can I ask you to give them a point off for not making it so we can all bang 12-year-olds?

Speaker 5 So you ended up with a 22?

Speaker 2 All right. Awesome.

Speaker 2 So only three points more than us?

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 he got out of it.

Speaker 5 He got a zero, too, though, for the visual aid. I mean, if he had a visual aid, it was pretty much a definite.

Speaker 2 That's not a bad showing.

Speaker 2 Somehow I don't think Q's coming in third.

Speaker 2 Right. And Q for you.

Speaker 2 Have fun with the bronze.

Speaker 2 The model goes bronze.

Speaker 2 Come on, Skull.

Speaker 5 You end up with, when all is said and done, 29 out of 30 points.

Speaker 2 Woo!

Speaker 2 Nice work. Thank you.
What did I lose a point on?

Speaker 5 You know, I was looking for something.

Speaker 2 Because only God is perfect. Right.

Speaker 2 Yes, we can.

Speaker 2 What was it? What did you take the point?

Speaker 5 The The only thing I did was with the Jerry Lewis, Jerry Lee Lewis.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I kind of thought I turned that around, though, when I turned it into an actual thing about Jerry Lewis, but I'm not going to debate it.

Speaker 2 You turned it around? Yeah. Giddam did the joke.
No, no, no. But then I turned around and actually made it about Jerry Lewis.

Speaker 2 Jerry, on the fly, you worked it in. I did, yeah, yeah.
But I'll take it.

Speaker 2 Is it Q or is it skull? I'm going to say the skull. In effect, here.
I mean, this kind of showing, you would never have performed that well.

Speaker 2 Okay, so you and Giddam, Q and the Skull.

Speaker 2 Well, we know his name now, Will Wilhelm. Wilhelm.
Wilhelm.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 the very first installment of Professor Impressor winner.

Speaker 5 I thought it was great.

Speaker 2 Was Brian Quinn.

Speaker 5 I thought it was a great. Yeah, and he was.

Speaker 2 But if we play it again,

Speaker 2 you got to promise not to use the skull. Because he was right under your, you were touching it and rubbing it the whole time.
Yeah, I have been, yeah. It's weird, dude.
That's what I do at home.

Speaker 2 Like, I just, just

Speaker 2 sit there and I stroke it like a bond villain,

Speaker 2 but it's not on its shelf. Yeah, I take it down.
Like, when I, when I worked on the Elvis thing, I just sat there and I would like write and then I would stroke

Speaker 2 and then write. Is it TV

Speaker 2 viable? Is it

Speaker 2 no

Speaker 2 professor impressor? Yeah, I think it is. I think there's something there.
I do. I think there's something to people making up histories.

Speaker 2 Let's see this on a different channel in two weeks now.

Speaker 2 That

Speaker 2 The show,

Speaker 2 the road, the train that brings the cold, all sleep, all weep, all try to make ends meet.

Speaker 2 The fear this year

Speaker 2 will come to pass, my dear. All us return

Speaker 2 before the course has run.

Speaker 2 I'm not sure I can take it, sleeping on the joke.

Speaker 2 I'm feeling like I'm rubbed and beating

Speaker 2 up.

Speaker 2 Though it's another day

Speaker 2 to pull myself back up,

Speaker 2 I feel our little disc connected

Speaker 2 This year we had to see all the shades of what can be

Speaker 2 Lie down, go to ground, make them work to take you down.

Speaker 2 I corrode the simples, all the pain that you can own. Washed away, slow decay, speak our minds with hell to pay.

Speaker 2 We're attacking such a good game, seems the world is fun.

Speaker 2 I'm sleeping on the jaw man, dreaming down.

Speaker 2 Though it's a fancy to pull myself back up,

Speaker 2 I feel a little disconnected now.

Speaker 2 I'm not sure I can take it. Sweep right on the joke.
I'm feeling like I'm dropped down, beaten down.

Speaker 2 I know I've got the chance to bring it to the top.

Speaker 2 I'm worried I won't talk. And you're a fool.

Speaker 2 We're talking such a good game. Seems the world is run.

Speaker 2 I'm sleeping on the jaw man, dreaming down.

Speaker 2 Though it's another

Speaker 2 day to pull myself back up, up.

Speaker 2 I feel a little disgusting.

Speaker 2 I'm going to be able to show that this night. I can't actually say why they can't besides

Speaker 2 my presentation.

Speaker 2 No, it's just the form of a chance.

Speaker 2 So, what you need to do is

Speaker 2 talk about yourself. And normally, I wouldn't say that because

Speaker 1 this has been a production of Smodco Internet Radio. Sir, only at Smodcast.com.