#310: Woke FlanaSkinOnSkin

You've heard the pods.

Now see the smods.

See Smod.com, your one-stop shop for tickets and info to all upcoming live Smodco shows.

Hollywood Improv hosts Babylon on November 11th.

Jay Muse heading down under in Brisbane, Australia, November 11th through 13th at Supernova.

Vancouver gets an evening with Kevin Smith on November 12th.

Check out Kevin Ralph on Babylon at the Improv in Hollywood on Friday, November 18th.

Supernova Adelaide in Australia gets Jason Muse, November 19th and 20th.

Babylon back at the improv in Hollywood on December 9th.

Jay and Bob Get Old in Colorado, they have a sold-out show on Sunday, December 11th in Greenwood Village.

Catch an evening with Kevin Smith for two evenings, actually, December 11th and December 12th in Greenwood Village, Colorado.

Jay and Silent Bob Get Old December 12th, south at the landmark in Colorado.

Fort Collins, get ready for Jay and Silent Bob Get Old on Tuesday, December 13th.

Solo Kev in Colorado Springs on December 14th.

Colorado Springs gets Jay and Silent Bob on Wednesday, December 14th.

Jay and Silent Bob get old in Denver, Thursday, December 15th.

An evening with that Kevin Smith in Denver, downtown in Larimer Square, Thursday, December 15th.

Jay and Silent Bob get old and tell your ride, Friday, December 16th.

Kevin Smith dropping by Breckenridge on Sunday, December 18th.

Bookmark Seasmod.com, and we'll see you in your town soon.

I'm going to the stash.

I'm going to be a fucking Town Steam Dave.

And then you come in, and it's just fucking garbage.

If I call you by that thousand dollar mic,

it's good Town Steam Dave.

I love Giddam's belt when he wears it right underneath his tits.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell him Steve Dave.

I'm here.

Walt, you're here.

And probably,

no definitely,

a guy who would be referred to as the most lovable, the nicest, definitely the funniest and practical joker, Joe Gatto.

Oh, Quinn, you're here.

I saw that coming to my way.

Ain't no fucking sandbagged me with that one.

I thought it was going to go the other way.

I knew what he was doing.

I'm surprised you're here.

I thought you would still be suckling on Brett Michaels' sack this week.

I thought we asked this out already.

He didn't come to the podcast so he could hang out with Brett Michaels.

No, that's not true.

Anyway.

So, yes, Joe Gatto.

Waltz, I'd like to introduce you.

He said earlier, he's like, I've never met Joe.

I was like, but you have.

He has, right?

I mean, he definitely has.

Not really.

Not really.

Yeah, yeah.

It's been one of those.

I know who he is.

He knows who I am, but we've never really sat down and had a...

I think I shook your hand once.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That one time.

Besides that, we're up to two.

We're up to two now.

Yeah, we're up to two.

It was at the, you guys had a premiere party at a restaurant.

Yes, that's where it was.

Yeah, that was it.

That was a good it was a busy night, so I didn't think you'd remember.

No, I knew I knew I'd met you once, but that's pretty much all I've spoken to you more right now than I've ever had.

So

I was nervous, definitely.

The cargo.

But you were nervous at the premiere party?

And here right now, yeah.

So you're nervous in the presence of Joe Godo.

I get that a lot.

Yep, absolutely.

Yeah.

A very, very overpowering personality.

I still get nervous around Joe.

Yeah.

So I didn't say anything, but

do you get nervous around Walt Flanagan?

I do.

Yeah, I'm equally as nervous.

Most people do.

Just because I didn't know who he was, I was like, who's this dude in the corner?

I know he's got his hoodie up.

Yeah, he's like, he's real M ⁇ M in me right now.

Brian wants to keep it at a bomby 70 degree or 60 degrees in here.

He's about to go to Florida.

Yeah, I come in and it's like cranked up to 78.

And I'm like, that's a little warm.

Yeah.

Now, granted, I've got a layer or two more than Walt does on me, naturally, but Jesus Christ, 70 is not crazy.

We shook hands earlier today, right?

Yeah.

Did you notice that?

They were cold.

I was going to mention it.

I thought you were sick.

I know.

I felt when I touched your hand, it was so warm.

I was like, I wonder if you notice how cold my hand is.

Yeah,

you did, huh?

You weren't wondering, I wonder if he'll hold my hand the whole time.

So, you know?

I did realize that he sat so far away from me not to be that I can't reach him.

Really?

Your hand's old.

What is it?

Maybe you have poor circulation.

It's not that everyone else is because you're like, get know, keep it like a meat locker.

Yeah, my wife's got that shit.

She's like anemic or something.

And

she has an eye deficiency, so she's always freezing.

Right.

I hate that.

It's not always cold.

It's just cold in here.

So you're like a woman.

He's on his period.

You said that you can't think well in the cold.

Like you think better in the heat.

Oh, yeah.

You said cold makes you sleepy.

Yeah.

Cold makes you sleepy.

It's the exact opposite of like every other person on the planet.

Really?

When you get stuck, like let's say

you crash on a mountainside, the first thing that people want to do is fall.

It's not the end of the shining, man, when you're fucking falling asleep.

But if you crash it asleep,

you're crashing on a tropical island.

I've never seen anybody in the movies ever fall asleep, though.

Right.

During the crash?

No, it's not about when they get out on the island and it's a bomby, it's like it's hot and everything.

That's why those directors keep working because they're like, well, we're not going to show them, take a nap.

I know what you're saying, but it's because you're not allowed to fall asleep.

That's the only reason they talk about it.

When it's cold, they're like, don't fall asleep, you're going to die.

Right?

They don't land, they don't crash and land and go,

like they become naughty lapse.

But

that's why cold makes you want to go to sleep, though.

No, they don't want to go to sleep.

They can't go to sleep because they're going to die.

It's not like they get cold.

Like when you get cold, you shake.

Or if they go to sleep, it's because they can't help it.

That's right.

Actually, hypothermia.

They're going to die.

And sleep is a step in the progression.

Human body is just when it wants to, like, it wants to grab a blanket when it's cold.

It wants to grab a blanket, get comfortable, and fall asleep.

Again, cold being relative, most people would not say 70.

It's widely regarded as the perfect.

The perfect temperature, yeah.

Yeah, it's like, oh man, it's 70 now.

We got to get outside.

What was it in here when you went over and changed your dial?

What was it set to?

What was it on?

It was set to 78.

Well, first off, it wasn't on at all.

So, what's it in here?

You think it was?

What do you think the temperature was getting?

Probably like 74 to 76, somewhere around there.

That's the perfect temperature for me.

I can live with that.

74 to 7.

74 is a little warm, I think, but

what about 76?

It's higher.

Yeah, 76 is a little warmer.

And you're going down to Florida, so you're going to really

soak it in when you're down there.

He's not going to die for her.

Well, I'll be awake at least.

Awakened alive.

That's why they say they can't find people sometimes.

Like, if they go missing in the mountains or whatever, they get delirious and they take their clothes off and they try try to get into like these little tiny crevices like to like it's weird it's like this sort of uh to survive

effect yeah like i don't know why they take their clothes off but then they'll go into like these little crevices to huddle up and then they die and that's why they don't find their bodies right away you know less some fucking how often does that happen

more than you think

it happened with this young kid uh that was missing for like 20 years and they found like his skeleton

well how the hell you know his clothes weren't taken off by an animal though how do you know he took his clothes off?

Well, like some gay animal.

Like, hello.

What leads him?

We got another one.

They frags him down into his lair.

They find the remains.

It's of a skeleton with no clothes on, and they're like, he must have took his clothes off.

I'm saying that it's been known to happen, not specifically in this case.

They're like, first, he's strict.

I've never heard it.

I've never heard it either.

And I watch a lot of ID channel, and I've watched a lot of IT.

We talked about it on Overkill.

I can't remember the name of it.

It was in Russia where

that that party that was hiking they found like the tents all ripped up and stuff and some of the guys had taken their clothes off that's one of the most bizarre stories ever told so like taking their clothes off was like the least of the most alarming things that they did do how to deal with week after week I've never heard of it therefore yeah that's not real you've never heard it either yeah I never heard of it Joe you ever heard it I can't say that I have all right well I'm spooling you but I'm not saying but I am not saying that I don't believe him right oh yeah

here it goes give it a couple weeks you'll join with us because it makes sense to crawl into a crevice So they're not like out of their minds.

They're like, well, maybe if I'm against someone.

No, I'd like to get out of sight of an animal that's going to attack me.

You're going to get out from under the elements.

Right.

You warm up, shelter up.

Yeah, I could see that part of it.

And maybe when they die, their clothes fall off the side.

I don't know if their clothes come off post-mortem, like you're saying.

I think it just might be that.

And I don't know if they're doing a sexy strip tease, like you're saying either.

Maybe for the audience, you don't know.

Yeah, it's true.

Okay, here.

So, okay.

Why people take off their clothes when they're literally freezing to death?

The key that causes paradoxical undressing.

Vasoconstriction occurs when the smooth muscles within the vasculature contract or contract.

This effort requires a steady input of energy in the form of glucose, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So they feel like it's a good thing.

Warm blood rushing from their core, coupled with the removal of warm clothing, causes their body temperature to fall even faster.

This serves to hasten death.

Why the world was.

Now that we know it, let's say we were faced in that situation.

Is that why you're naked, right?

I mean, we could turn the heat up if you need.

Well,

somebody get it back to 76.

Is he wearing nothing but a head microphone?

As each degree ticks up, a sock goes on.

Can we model why we bought it?

But now that we know it, let's say we were in that situation where we, God forbid, that

we were in an accident, we were straining somewhere.

Now that I know about this condition, would it stop me from taking my clothes off?

I don't know.

Now that I know it.

Do you think, would you be aware enough to be like, I should probably keep this on?

Probably keep my pants on in this situation.

Yeah, like, since you're used to the cold, and

or no, you're not used to the cold, so I'll be dressing you.

Yeah.

Like, as you're taking your clothes off.

Oh, you were together when this?

Yeah,

we went on a short hike.

When hypothermia sets in, a person will begin shivering.

Most people have a movement problem, such as stumbling, slowing down, poor coordination.

I heard that.

People fall.

Do you have hypothermia all the time, Q?

It sounds like you're describing Q's bio right now.

Yeah, it's an awesome thing.

I can barely keep my clothes on at all times as well.

I just stumble about.

Look at this, ladies.

It's a last-ditch effort to survive

terminal burrowing.

Well, that's what happened to that kid.

Because they're trying to surround their bodies with

the body.

The clothes off is the

part.

That was the odd step.

Yeah.

It's a paradoxical undressing.

It's even more confounding.

It describes many victims of extreme hypothermia peeling off their clothes.

Yeah.

They're saying that.

Also, who's they?

What website are you on?

This is live science.com.

Yeah, this is Telstee Dave Doc.

It's like shrimp when you're cold.net.

YOLO selfies.

Oh, Yodo.

Yo, Don Watts.

When rewarming the body of a hypothermic person with the body of another person, first aid experts often recommend that both the victim and the rewarmer be naked or barely dressed.

I've seen that in the Starboards.

Yeah, I've seen that many times.

They think a name is Hot Solo.

He takes his stuff off and they climb it in a taunt on the column.

Yeah, but they crawl in together and put him in a taunta and they both were nude.

What not?

What movie did you do?

They did watch.

Yeah.

You didn't watch Starpon's?

That's what happens.

They cut open the taunt on, they take out their lightsabers.

It's a great battle.

Didn't he rub his chest and some stuff?

No, he's just shoving the taunt on.

You've seen on TV shows where, like, you know, it's so cold, the only way we can survive is if we cuddle.

Yeah.

You know, usually they do it with, like, what you have to have skin on skin, though.

That makes sense because the barrier between the body warmth you want gone.

Yes.

So I get it.

I've used that line.

Let's be.

Do you use that before?

No.

I feel like I have hypothermia.

We might die in my apartment here tonight.

I think you have hypothermia.

At the risk of ruining your childhood, it's pretty.

I mean, you have to admit that Han Solo and Luke Skywalker definitely were skin on skin.

It was definitely.

Because he put him inside a hot taunt on.

Yeah, but they got in together, didn't they?

How did Han Solo survive?

Han Solo survived too.

Yeah, he was all right.

No, because the next thing, you know what, actually, now that you mention it, his clothes were not covered in blood from the taunt on.

And it looked like his...

Oh, that's right.

Remember when Han Solo waved from the X-Wing?

It looked like his Parker was on backwards.

You can see the label if you look close to DVD Extra.

On the Blu-ray.

You couldn't pick that up.

It's like, uh-oh, it's Easter egg.

Blue egg.

You can just digitalize that out.

I thought he restored it in the new version.

He's like, I want people to know.

It's been long enough.

It was skin on skin, everyone.

I'm not afraid to say it anymore.

Joe, you don't like bullies, huh?

No.

Do I take offense?

Because I'm a bully.

Because you're a bully.

I get paid to be a bully on the show

on my show.

And then I see you going around doing good deeds and shit.

And

what is it?

I'm curious.

What is it about bullies that

you got bullied?

I got a bully growing up, yeah, as a kid.

Yeah.

Like from young until older, like did it stop.

From like seventh grade to probably sophomore year of high school.

Sixth grade to sophomore year of high school, I'd say.

Yeah.

And what stopped it?

I got funny.

Was that it?

Yeah.

In sophomore year of high school, we went to a boy Catholic school, which I'm sure everybody knows.

It was very cold in there.

Yeah.

We called it the tente of Staten Island.

And

we would,

there was, I would get picked on by some of the football players.

And one, I picked out the biggest one.

His name was Rocco Lorenzano.

Rocco picked on you?

He didn't necessarily, he didn't pick on me.

I picked him as one.

He's a nice guy.

And we actually just ran into him, and he heard the story I told on Z100.

He thought I was talking about him, which is, I should say, he didn't.

He was a good guy.

But I would just get picked on.

And so I decided to start bullying Rocco, and everybody jumped in on the joke.

So I would make him carry my books.

I would knock his books out of his hands.

I would tell him I'd kick his ass and stuff.

And he would play into the part, like, don't, don't, don't.

And everybody thought it was funny.

So it became like this weird, like it flipped where it was like.

That's a good guy.

Yeah, he is.

Especially that age, that old guy.

yeah

he was the biggest guy in school yeah he was the biggest guy in school he was huge yeah right but he was a good guy but like even in my um growing up in my neighborhood i uh i didn't have many friends so i was the white kid in my in a black neighborhood growing up i grew up in marinas harbor which is like uh predominantly like right by the projects and stuff and and i kind of just removed myself from the neighborhood when you get to an older age nobody's playing in your backyard anymore and it was like a bad element so i didn't necessarily have friends and it just compounded where i couldn't really make friends and it made me a lonely people people want to be friends with you?

No, I have I have one black friend.

Yeah,

no, no, I had it.

I had black friends

outside of school, there was no black kids in our school besides

Dexter Scott and Will.

And Will.

Yeah, we had like literally two black kids in our school, but uh the whole schem not our class, the school, the school, yeah, yeah.

And they came, Dexter came in as a transfer in junior year, right?

Yeah, I think

before, so it was crazy.

It wasn't so, I just growing up in the neighborhood, I was kind of like a loner and geeky, and it just compounded, and I was socially awkward.

Gexa was so afraid of white people.

We all had lockers, but he had a duffel bag.

And when I say duffel bag, I mean a fucking duffel bag.

And he carried every single thing around with him.

He never used his locker because he was afraid the white people would

steal his stuff.

So he would walk around with like a giant duffel bag through every class.

Yeah.

Did you bully him?

That's huge.

No, he was all right.

I guess he just had bad experiences in the other private school he came from.

There was an adjustment period, though, where I had to, I was a bully.

I started bullying because my humor came out.

I'm really quick-witted.

You know what I mean?

Like, I could really, I could cut people down if I wanted to.

And when I started being funny, I would start doing that.

And then everybody would start laughing at the person.

And I was like, oh, they're not laughing at me.

And actually, I had

this guy.

Let's get to punch him in the face.

But I started doing that.

And then I got called in by a couple of my friends.

And my sister was actually like, hey, just so you know

Yeah, she did my sister who actually called I was like you're kind of being a dick You know, you should watch that because that's not that's like what you didn't like Spider-Man with great power Yeah, that's right.

It actually it actually is a phenomenon in the bullying community They talk about it when they do all the education stuff when you get empowered paradoxical.

Yeah

It is that's what it is like you become it's all of a sudden it's like oh, you know what

I recently got bullied.

I got bullied by some menacing 17 year olds and I'm gonna hear this story and stuff that's on dude.

I'm telling you, I was laughing for about listening to this fucking story.

I thought you were going to say squirrel jokes, like on SpongeBob.

Remember, SpongeBob starts getting laughs by going after Sandy, and he just

got bullied by some.

Walt's interesting because he's been menaced by teens himself.

I mean, they were females.

Oh, wow.

Which I think is even more difficult because you don't want to.

Right, you can't punch them if it comes down to it.

Well,

obviously, not, but it's also difficult to

go at it with a female, because then you even look more like a dirt.

You can't win.

You really gotta in a good one.

Like ultimately.

Walt's experience was that he was

you needed napkins in a hurry.

The daughter was in the car, her nose was bleeding.

And I needed napkins in a hurry, and I didn't know what to do.

So I ran from the parking lot into this restaurant.

And as I came out of the restaurant, I'm running.

And like four or five girls start going, run, first, run,

retort, retort.

And I turn around and I go, are you talking to me?

And they're like, yeah, we're talking to you.

They didn't even fuck up to die.

They didn't even blink.

And I was like,

I couldn't believe it that they were talking about.

I was dumbfounded.

And I said, you know, if there's a God, I said,

if there's a God with any luck, in about 15 years, you'll all be hooked on painkillers and in loveless marriages.

And I walked away, and they're like, What did he say?

Did he say they thought I said something more

sexual?

Yeah, yeah.

Because I said loveless.

And I don't think they understood what the connotation of what I said was.

They'll know what about it.

I like how to insult them.

He described like half of one of his best friends.

But when I said it, I didn't know.

Yeah,

I was in the dark as to why you were so fucked up.

I'm more or less.

And why I was so offended when I heard the story.

I love that you stopped.

You stopped worrying about your daughter who was bleeding in the car to stop and get a zinger in.

Right?

He was like,

he rushed in, he rushed out, and then he's like, hold up, I got to get this zinger in.

But also, it was Christmas season.

Okay.

And there were shoppers around, so they saw me getting dressed down like that.

So I didn't know what.

I didn't.

Oh, you had to cover your street credit.

Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Definitely, I'm only like five minutes from my house, so I couldn't get it on time.

And if you hadn't, uh, if you hadn't gone back, it would have been as like they may as well just start yelling, like, plug it up

it for your pussy because you got to say something.

So you confronted your bullies, Joe.

How'd this work out for you?

Well, mine, it was kind of, I actually.

This was like two weeks ago.

So we're on tour, and we were in Birmingham, Alabama, and we're in this shit mall.

And I have a phobia of malls in the South just because of all the shit that always happens in them.

So I was like, I was kind of on high alert, and I was with Jiggy, who is our opener.

What happens in them?

You know, they get shot off all the time.

Read the news.

So we,

hold on, there's just people with guns in the South in malls.

So we, we, we, me and Jiggy are walking around, and Jiggy is tiny.

He's like,

he's our opening actor.

He's not a guy who wants a backup.

So I'm walking, and I'm not kidding when I say 19 out of 20 people recognize me, like where I'm walking around, people like, Joe, Joe, and I'm just like, hey, you know, and the people taking pictures and stuff.

And it's like,

man, they're shooting their guns in the side.

So I turn and I look, and there's these three 17-year-old boys hanging out on the railing, and they're all looking at me.

And one kid looks at me like he recognizes me.

So at this point, I'm riding the high of being recognized by everybody.

So I just turn to him and I go, Oh, what's up, fuckface?

And the kid pops up off the rail.

He goes, What'd you say to me?

And he walked up to me, and I went, I said, What's up, fuckface?

Like, thinking he didn't hear what I said to him.

And he goes,

What are you saying to me for?

What's your problem?

I said, I said, Oh.

And then this is, this was my retort.

I was like, oh,

I said,

you don't know me.

I'm on television.

And he goes, what?

He's like, I don't care.

I said, I'm on a TV show on practical jokers.

I'm sure you saw me saying hello to all these people.

I said, it's a line from the show.

I say, I said, so I just said, what's up, fuckface?

And I said to him again, so now he's got like his, he's got like his fists clenched, and him and his boys are there.

And I got Jiggy next to me who like started taking baby steps backwards.

The kid's in like a camo-like hoodie.

And I was like, very menacing.

I think it was very menacing.

And I was like, and I said, I I said I apologize I said I'm sorry I thought you knew the show and he said man you know he's fucking you and he walks away so now me and Jiggy just continue to shop they decide to circle back and start following us so now I'm like shit's gonna go down here at the foot action

so I come out and the guy goes what's the name of the TV show you're on they had seen me just take another picture I said it's called Impractical Jokers and the main kid we'll call him the thug number one was standing there with the long hair and he's looking at me I said and I just walked up right in his face I said dude and I said I'm sorry I said I'll apologize I'm mad enough to say I was wrong and I put my hand out.

And I said, I apologize that you didn't know my show.

I shouldn't have called you fuck face, but I did.

So this is where we're at.

And he goes, he just stood there, like mean-mugging me, and then he just shook my hand.

He goes, oh, and he goes, he goes, all right, whatever.

And I said, I said, I'm Joe.

What's your name?

He goes, I ain't telling you.

And he walks away.

So now me and Jiggy are still walking around.

So we start walking around.

And then I see them leave the mall.

And then they come back in.

And that's where I'm like, oh, I'm in Birmingham, Alabama.

They just went to get arms.

And well, they kept following me.

So then they walked out a side exit and then they came back in and if anybody knows how these stories they know always go to the car before shit goes down right so i'm like i was like i said this isn't worth it there's not there wasn't good deals i didn't like the stores i was like it's not worth getting shot over this so i was just like let's just go and we just i left well when they call you old man at one point they called you old man uh oh when he was walking away he said when i said what's your name he said he said he said i ain't he said i ain't telling you old man and he walked away and and i was like oh all right and old man i was like he old manned me aren't you like 40?

I'm 40, yeah.

But the kid,

I'm 23 years older than this kid.

I'm trying to think like I'm 17.

16, 17.

If I'm going to call someone an old man.

So we get in the car to go to the theater and he starts telling the story.

And Joe's telling the story like

the kids are assholes.

And I was like, would you look at it from their fucking point of view?

I never would say I was saying it like they're assholes.

I was like, these fucking hicks.

Three fucking hicks are in the middle of nowhere.

A couple words in the mouth there.

Maybe the tone was right, but I definitely didn't say these fucking assholes.

I was like, think of it from their point of view.

Like, you're just some dude dude walking through the mall, and you're like, What's up, fuckface?

And not even aggressively.

No, no, it was more of a friendly.

And then they couldn't get over the fact that I repeated it to him right in his face.

Clarification.

He's like, Wait a minute.

And then you're just looking at him like, What's up?

I said, What's up, fuckface?

And the reason it's cool is because I'm on TV.

I mean, I listed all the bullet points from the top, but I love that my second delivery of it was just a, I said, What's up, fuckface?

Like, friendly.

And then he goes, What'd you say to me?

And then it was just a very, like, tender.

I said, What's up, fuckface?

Like, Like, I kind of brought it to like a heart-to-heart.

Right.

You know how many people would kill for the opportunity for me to personally say, what's a fuck-face cheat on it?

The way I'm seeing it to you right now.

I have thousands of followers on that cigar.

Like, I brought up my Twitter.

I'm like, look, I'm verified.

Don't shoot me.

Do you think is that the discussion all the way back to the car?

Like, I told you we should have brought in the goddamn cigars.

No, leave him in the car.

There ain't going to be nobody to shoot.

If I have a gun, I'm going to shot him right there.

No, I like to think that his feelings were hurt.

Like, this is what my point was.

Oh, he he was going to go home?

Like, he was, yeah, like, I was like, you ruined his shopping fucking experience, man.

Yeah, but my defense, these kids were just looking for trouble.

They were just like, you don't know them.

Well, they had camouflage hoodies on and they were hanging on the rail.

They weren't shopping.

There's no shopping bench.

There's no shopping bench.

They're loitering.

That's exactly what they're doing.

They're doing what kids do in the world.

They were soliciting.

There's no way they're the bad guys here, was my point.

No, I'm not saying they were bad.

I'm just saying that, you know.

They were wrong.

They were a bunch of little fuckfaces and they needed to be told.

Oh, you ought to go back on record.

You rescinded it and now you're putting it back on.

No, it was definitely an odd.

It was definitely an odd experience because I do that up here in New York.

It's like, aha, I've five and stuff.

But I don't know what the word fuckface is even used that much in Alabama because they were kind of confused by the term.

What does it mean?

Fuckface.

Like, what is it about?

I guess maybe that was part of the thing he was trying to get.

Like, what does that even mean?

Fuckface.

I bet you that kid has never been called a fuckface until that point.

I like to think he's at school calling people fuckface.

You started the spread.

He started bullying kids in school with fuckface.

I'm surprised they they didn't immediately get on their phones, like, look you up, like,

look the show up, just to be like, oh, wow, it is him.

Yeah.

And then immediately forgive it.

You had to believe him

when you're taking pictures.

Well, no, that was the thing, too.

I got some street cred, like you, around me.

I probably did.

Yeah.

Did you take any pictures when the girls were taunting you?

No, no.

That would have helped a lot.

I didn't think it was me at the time, I don't think.

I think that would have changed a lot, too, if they recognized me.

I think they would have apologized to me.

Oh, you think?

Yeah, they would have been, and they probably wanted a picture with me.

That's right.

Come here.

You want to get a picture.

Run over here for a second.

Smile.

Make sure a stupid face is in focus.

Your daughter's bleeding out three parking places away.

Honey, I'm sorry.

The focus is off.

When I watch your show, and I do, I watch every episode.

You never will do anything if it involves your wife.

Like, if they want you to say something about her or like involve her in any way,

is that self-preservation?

Are you?

Is it you're like, because for me, like, the joke would be

that's what's most important.

And I wouldn't give a fuck about anybody who got in my way.

So

is it respectful, or you're just like, I just don't want to.

I think it's a mixture of both.

It's a little bit of respect.

I watch a show with her, too.

So she doesn't even necessarily like it.

Drinking line with narrow, like slitted eyes just looking at you.

Isn't it weird that he can't wrap his head around that?

He can't wrap his head around you.

I'm exactly the same way.

There's not a chance that I would make a joke at the expense of my wife.

It's insane to think that he's like, I don't care.

Yeah.

At the expense of a joke,

this is as mysterious to me as like getting naked in the cold.

Yeah, that's it.

She, you know, she's got a good sense of humor.

And she knows, of course, she knows it's a show.

Like, she knows I'm doing it for it.

I'm not just doing it for doing it.

But it also just doesn't, a lot of it just doesn't feel right.

Like one of the worst ones, and I don't know why it struck a chord with me, but it was one of the first times.

Remember, we were doing, we were hot dog vendors, and Mer said,

you know what?

I call my wife on a cold day, pig in a blanket.

And it just like hit me.

Like when he said it, I was like, this fucking douchebag just called my wife a pig in a blanket.

And I was like, wait, no, he didn't.

And then I was like, oh, I can't say that.

And then it just trickled on from there.

But that the joke occurs to him.

Right?

Yes.

That's what I would think later on.

Yeah, you thought to say that.

Yeah, you thought to say that.

So what do you think?

No, I think

it's probably just a little bit.

It's also like, yeah, it's probably more respect than just the whole thing.

Because my parents were very happily married.

My father was very lovely.

Like, I model my marriage around that, even though it probably isn't as good as that.

Do you understand that?

Well,

why I don't give a fuck.

So I think that's part of that, too.

It's a couple of things.

Yeah.

And then everybody needs some kryptonite, you know.

And it was one time, like, I got a lot of hell for doing something.

We said something, and I just got like a backlash of like people.

It's like, you're married.

Couldn't believe you.

I forgot what it was.

When you took your ring off?

That was it.

That was fucking sad.

That was great.

That was funny.

Like, that I'll do.

And then that she got.

But sometimes, like, people don't get it.

That is the show.

But, like, we were at Open.

It was it in the Hooters restaurant, right?

Did you take the ring off?

Yeah, that, and in the speed of the day.

Oh, no, it was the speed dating.

You guys made me keep hitting on the woman while I was clanking my finger against my ring against it.

That was it.

It was that.

And people were like, you know, you shouldn't.

And people were like, oh, you know, you should be faithful.

I'm like, I am faithful.

This is a camera show where I'm.

I'm not understanding.

Yeah, they didn't get it.

It's the very thrust of the show.

But she's completely supportive.

I could do anything and she wouldn't care, but it's just, I think it's a little bit more me than her.

Yeah.

That is weird.

I don't know.

No, she definitely has a good sense of humor because we use her against him on the show.

Like, we've brought her physically in.

She'd let you in the house, too, when you guys did it.

And let us in the house, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, the birthday thing.

When they wrapped my house, yeah.

How long did that take?

Well, me, it took no

longer.

It took a long time.

Yeah, it took hours.

It was fucked up how every little thing.

I still have

on my chandelier.

On my chandelier, I still have wrapping paper, and I left it on purpose.

So,

as a little reminder, that was great.

Yeah, it took him three times.

Would you

like you look at Joe and you think, like, does he come off as the nicest one

or Sal?

Definitely not you, Q.

Uh, you seem to

stand this

hey, man, I like it.

You're more, you're more go for the juggyle.

As the guy, that you are just like, I want him to be my friend, you know, that's that.

I don't know, like, there's that

guy,

Been friends for 20 years.

But he wants Joe to be strict.

He's slowly working his way.

And 20 years in, he's like, I've got two handshakes.

Let's go handshakes.

My hands will be warmer next time.

We can swap bullying stories.

I was talking about as a man, like a man watching a show, like you're sitting around with your buddies.

Like, you watch that show.

I think he

stands out more as a guy, like, oh,

that's a good dude.

I would like to be friends with that dude.

You have more of a cynical.

You're a little bit harder to read.

He just.

You're the guy that I'm like, I want to be friends with that dude.

I have a demo.

I know, for Christ's sake, man.

Every fucker.

Isn't every single one of

the female audience?

It's awful.

I mean,

I want him and the girl.

It's him and Sal, yeah.

It's him and Sal, definitely.

Hands down.

I mean, this, he's a sex pop.

What are you going to do about it?

What are you going to do?

He's got the locks, you know, those

guys.

You know,

he used to be jacked.

Now he's got the right amount of fat that he's attainable.

I mean, it's everything.

He's got it all going for it.

You know?

Yeah, you look at everybody else.

Sal's just that cuddly, you know, we call him the sexy marshmallow.

Yeah, Sal seems like.

But the weird thing about, like, you and Sal definitely come off as the nicest ones.

Sal, like, you come off, though, as if, like, what I like about you is it seems like there's nothing aside from the wife thing.

Like, you almost, like, embrace, like, you want them to say something fucked up just so you can do it.

Whereas it seems like you'll do almost anything.

I will.

I mean, that's what I heard.

Like no shame, I guess, is what I'm saying.

I'm not afraid to make myself look like an ass and make them laugh.

And that's always been the relationship, but as friends, like, even if you go back before any of this, like us in an elevator, that would be the favorite time.

We went out for my birthday.

I forget which one.

The show wasn't even on the air yet.

We went to go see a movie.

The entire fucking, I had to sit away from him.

He was making me laugh.

He's fucking going on.

I'm like, I can't even sit next to this fucking guy anymore.

He's always been like that.

But Joey, there's a behind-the-scenes thing about the show.

It's like,

if we want to get out of there early, we make Joe go last because he will be done in,

I mean, the first turn he's done.

The rest of us, like,

Murray takes fucking, he'll be out there for, this is an exaggeration, hour and a half.

And everybody's like, starts getting frustrated.

The crew is like, what the fuck, man?

Like, let's go.

Yeah.

Sal, after that, is next.

Then I come in pretty good.

I think my average thing is like 20 minutes, but then he's out there.

We put him last.

He gets out.

He's fucking done.

He plows fucking through it, and then we're out of there.

So we put him.

And you're definitely far and away.

Yeah, the crew likes

him and me, when Joe and I go because we're done the fastest.

But he's, I mean, fucking record time, man.

Yeah.

Sometimes done in five minutes.

Well, it's also, it depends on, like, if you guys give me something that you think is I'm going to do funny, and you guys are excited for me to do it.

And also, like, when I go last, it's good because I always, I normally make a big scene.

So I can't really go first because then the whole place is ruined, you know.

But if I'm last, too, it's always like, hey, just like start this pillow fight in Ikea.

Well, you know what?

That's all you got to give him.

And then it's like a hysterical fucking thing that he gets done.

It's great.

No, it's funny how people say that, though, because if I think, if we look across the board, I think Q is probably, I would say he's one of our nicest.

Yeah, I wouldn't.

Damn, a fucking nice guy, dude.

He is a nice guy.

Oh, yeah, I think you're nice.

How dare you?

But I think Walt Wright, I mean, definitely sitting.

I mean, first season is like, like, if you go back and watch first season, yeah.

Well, he was still finding his footing.

You know, unfair advantage, definitely for me across the board, was this is how I make people laugh.

This show is the perfect platform for me because this is my comedy.

This is what I do to make people laugh.

So I fit in it very well.

I was also the first one to quit my job.

So I was all in.

I was trying to make it work.

You know what I mean?

Well, the first two seasons, too, I was just embarrassed that I was on a TV show.

Yeah.

Like, I definitely didn't embrace it.

I was like, this is dumb.

There was that thing where, you know, you tear it apart first before anybody else fucking gets to it.

So I had that hanging over me the whole first two seasons.

And I was like, dude, I quit my job.

Please make it work.

You made it work.

Yeah, you were selling high-end baby furniture.

High-end baby furniture.

Yeah, sales.

That's my thing.

Were the clients hard to deal with or were they, right?

Because anybody who's like, I need the tip-top

stroller.

Yeah,

there was definitely a type down in Soho.

Yeah.

Yeah, there was.

Oh, it was in Soho.

So you see a lot of hipsters and shit and stuff.

It was before, actually, a lot of that was down there.

It was definitely like, it was like more Upper East Side, which is Upper East Side now, like high-end family.

That's where a lot of people were there.

And we were the only store like it.

So, I got everybody in the city that wanted high-end stuff.

They came down there.

Did you get abused?

No.

No.

Bullied again.

No, no, no.

Well, there's menacing teenagers once they came in once.

Some kids in Camo.

Like, can I take this to go fuck things?

But no, there was, there's definitely.

I actually took to it really well just because I like sales and just dealing with people.

But I took to it really well because people couldn't believe I didn't have kids.

At that point, when I saw that, I didn't have even a girlfriend.

I didn't have kids or anything.

And I was just like, people would always be like, oh, how old are your kids?

And I was like, oh, I don't have any.

And that would just wow people.

I knew so much shit for no reason.

And

you wouldn't say shit like, well, you know, he was six.

That's how I closed the sale in my big duck duck crib.

I was like, yeah, my son would have loved this.

How many can I get you for?

Yeah.

You could have guilted him into it, man.

I definitely had some tactics where that baby was always the cutest one.

Yeah.

And there was some fucked up ones.

I made the mistake a bunch of times asking people when they would do, like,

once or twice before I learned not to.

They're like, I'm shopping for my sister.

They're shopping for my sister.

Like, I had that once.

I was like, oh, you think about setting up a registry?

She's like, yeah, I'm shopping for my sister.

And I was like,

sorry about that.

I mean, you're so fuckable.

You're going to get it.

You got to be knocked out.

Yeah.

That's the word, right?

Fuckable.

Right, fuck face.

Stored on my full fuck face.

Yeah.

What if the store closes and you go into high-end baby furniture?

You think you got it in you?

I don't think I'm a people person enough to sell on that level.

I could barely deal with the comic slot.

Sell to eat is a different beast than sell to, like, you know, when people come in and just you just ring them up and you don't have to like do a

make eye contact.

Like, I want one of those things that they have at the bodegas where they come down and you can just put the money through like a slit.

Flavor to get rubbed.

I mean, you know, it's got a scam.

Nordstrom.

I worked at Nordstrom for a year and a little bit.

They pay you zero dollars.

It's 100% commission.

So if you don't sell anything, you don't get paid.

You're basically working there for nothing.

Really?

No hourly.

Yeah.

I worked for a hour.

Is that in L.A.?

That was in LA.

That was the one I came visiting.

Yeah, I worked in LA.

But I mean, the furniture is so expensive.

Yeah.

It wasn't.

That was Buttercup.

That was Buttercup.

But Nordstrom was the place where I sold jeans.

You meant Villa Cup.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you don't get paid hourly, how do they schedule you?

They give you shifts.

And so

is there a lot of competition for those

crime shifts?

100%.

Joe's on a graveyard shift trying to shift the graveyard shift.

Come on.

You should get him on a commission alone.

I think he.

Kawal would be the one not eating that.

I think he would be the wrong person to do it to because I don't think he knows how to approach strangers.

Not from behind and quickly.

Just put a shredder in the middle of the store.

He'll be fine.

And he'll just take pictures all day.

He won't even make a sound.

He has no game in terms of

anything.

Get him is.

You've heard the name Getim.

I've heard him, yeah.

But

you haven't met him yet.

He's something special.

Oh, he's going to be there Thursday.

Okay, great.

So you can meet him then.

Oh, are we releasing this on Friday?

Thursday or Friday.

Because if we do it Friday, then we could talk about the event without worrying about ruining anything.

I mean, not then we'll put it on the ground.

If you even give a shit about talking about the event, I don't know.

Oh, sure, we can.

So we can say anything we want about Thursday.

It's not that interesting.

We got your boy Fatone coming in.

Yeah.

That I'm happy about.

Yeah.

That's really the only reason I'm going.

Really?

He seems like the guy I could be friends with.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God.

They're inseparable from the crew.

And then...

Yeah, he's awesome.

And then they hung out at a con another time.

He's great, man.

He's a fucking great guy.

Yeah, he rips up the cons.

He's like at all of them.

He just posted some pictures.

He was like in...

Delware or some shit.

Yeah, he goes to the con.

I didn't know that he was on the con circuit, but he apparently met all the, what do you call kids, the stranger things kids.

He posted a picture with them.

I'm jealous.

Those are some kids I want to hang out with.

The Stranger Things?

Did you watch it on NFL?

Yeah, the con I was just at.

The girl who played Deb was there with the friend who disappeared in the world.

Oh, my God.

He loves.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she was nice.

She was a cool chick.

I actually liked going to the con this time.

If every con was like this LA con, it would be all right.

Why?

Mostly, in fact, 99% Rick and Morty panel.

Right.

Brian moderated the Rick and Morty.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, first we were supposed to...

You guys, you're in TV.

You know how to command an audience.

I had a line I was going to open with.

I decided not to.

Because first, it was supposed to be Mike Tyson.

And Mike Tyson canceled his panel

because

supposed to moderate a Mike Tyson panel.

Okay.

And

he couldn't do it because he had to.

He was just getting in that day and he said he wanted to shower and then he was going to pray, so he didn't have time for a panel.

Pray.

Pray.

My friend just moved into a new neighborhood in

my buddy Kim moved into a new neighborhood in Vegas, and she did a search because she has a kid of a

sex

offender, and he's on it.

He's on it.

He lives within three miles of her.

And she sent me a screen cap of the picture.

And it's all these crazy-looking, grim fucking perverts, and then just Mike Tyson with a big old fucking smile on his face.

It's unbelievable.

But my line was going to be: since that got canceled, and then we did Dan Harmon and Justin Royland,

I was going to explain it and be like, you know, we were supposed to do Tyson, and that's who I have the material for.

So by either chance, are either you guys boxers or rapists?

You don't want to hear Mike Tyson hearing that joke coming out of your mouth, bro.

I wasn't really afraid of him as much as you should.

You should be.

No, I didn't care about that.

I just like, I'm like, that's going to set the tone for the entire panel.

Right.

They would have rolled with it.

I think they would have, but then I looked out.

There's kids there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they're all like, yay, Rick and Morty.

So, yeah, in a moment of

editorial.

But Rick and Morty has lots of rape jokes.

I know, but they allude to it.

I don't know, man.

He fucking missed a bean, threw him in the toilet, put his head in the toilet.

Yeah, it's true.

I mean, if you're watching Rick and Morty, you got a good name.

I agree, you probably made the right move.

I did, right?

Well, they would have.

I shouldn't have said that.

I'm surprised that you had the

presence of mind.

I'm surprised that you had the filter on that you wouldn't just go for it.

You know why?

Because I thought of it beforehand.

If I thought of it in the moment.

If I thought of it in the moment, it's highly likely I would have said.

So you overthought it.

Yeah.

Should I say it?

Should I say it?

I'm not going to say it.

I'm going to say it.

No, I'm not going to say it.

Is that Mike Tyson?

Okay, I'm not going to say it.

Oh, wait, no, it's not.

All right, I'm going to say it.

That's not my point.

All right, fuck it.

I'm going to say it.

You're all rapists.

Oh, fuck.

That's not what I meant to say.

But, yeah rick and morty was even though it was a half hour it was really fun he's justin' the one of the best humans i love that guy so much we did it we did it really twerk

you want to know right

what makes him one of the best humans though he's just he's like um there are certain people that i've met in my life that and doug stanhope's another one where you're like there aren't a lot of people like this like the way their mind works the way they express themselves the way they act and on top of that they're like a decent human being.

That they're rare creatures.

He's like an eccentric child almost.

Yes, right, but a genius.

He's like a legit genius.

I would actually say, and I would say this if you weren't here, but I'd say Joe's on that spectrum as well.

Are you just gonna go with me?

No, I say a lot of nice things about you when you're not here.

You never say one of my raps?

Well, fuck you.

The Sal, we make fun of a lot.

Murray, we just don't mention.

Best not to.

Yeah, best not to.

But yeah, there are people like that where you're like, there are, like, it's to know them is to know someone that isn't alike a lot of people.

And I think Justin's like that.

I would agree with that.

Yeah, he's just a digital.

I've never met anybody like him.

He's one of those people I would say when you meet them, you're like, I've never met anybody.

And he's kind, and he's nice.

Like, he's just like a good guy.

You know who else I would say that about?

Actually, Pete McPauland.

Pete McPaul.

Our Shawna is in our way.

He's like,

he's like a perfect human being.

You can't rattle him.

You can't.

We've tried.

And we've tried so bad.

Like, and all the shit that happens on our show, I can't believe he's able to keep it together.

Like, we'll literally be like, hey, he's like showing us a schedule.

Like, hey, yeah, we're going to go to Vegas for two weeks.

And he's like, oh, okay.

All right.

We'll figure it out.

He's a really good guy.

We got lucky with him.

Yeah, our crew got caught in Vegas.

Remember that?

We went to Vegas and we took our whole crew to shoot at Vegas, his punishment.

And the huge snowstorm happened here.

And the whole crew, 40 people, got caught there for three extra days.

Three extra nights.

Three extra nights.

So this whole crew, our whole crew was caught.

And that crew is like, I mean,

if you can,

think of like the fucking background extras on Oz.

That's how crew.

You know what I mean?

Like, we got the scruffiest fucking crew in all the land.

Great.

All great at what they do and much better looking than me.

Yeah.

Like they're, they're really, they're great, but they just, half of them are high at the time, half of them are drunk.

So after the first night, they didn't have enough vision to say, oh, we're going to be here three nights.

So the first night, they just went ham, as the kids say.

And then they were like, oh, shit, we're going to be here two more days.

Like, everybody ran out of money, ran out of clothes.

And it was just like stuck there.

They couldn't eat.

It was crazy.

It wasn't cold.

Yeah.

They all started cuddling each other.

They clothes off.

Come on.

It was crazy.

So, like, everybody, who's high, who's drunk, who's running around, who just got arrested?

And McFarland's just in the middle of it, like, all right, we'll figure it all out.

Trying to hold it.

It was like a field trip gone wrong.

Yeah.

What were we talking about?

Oh, LA Con, yeah.

And then people I hadn't seen in a while were there.

Oh, we went on a tour of the Rick and Morty studios.

That place is great.

It's cool.

It was cool.

That's the second floor, the whole, they have the whole floor.

Yeah, that thing's great.

Yeah, it's like you just go in a circle.

Did you see the virtual reality room?

No, somebody was in it.

I think Justin was in it, actually.

He came out later on, but I think he was in doing something.

But it's like that kind of place where I'll see if, Walt, if you would allow get him this.

In a room, they're doing like background coloring or whatever it is for the show.

And there's a guy dressed in like like full wizard, like robe and hat with stars and half moons, crescent moons, and shit.

Unrelated to his with his job, just because he wants to stand out, just because he's I didn't ask him, I wasn't like, Hey, what's your deal?

You fucking scanned.

I'm on TV.

I'm here to watch TV.

Haven't seen my show.

All right, so let me explain myself.

People take pictures where you're going out to your car.

You gotta go by.

Yeah, I believe to stand out.

Although, maybe, like, you know, like, I never played Dungeons and Dragons, but I understand like

they're the dorkiest of dorks right now.

I played?

What are you talking about?

Did you?

Did you ever dress as a wizard?

Well, you know what?

You were like on Freaks and Geeks, you were like the James Franco of the group.

Yeah, I never watched Freaks and Geeks.

Okay.

Well, it was James Franco and then a bunch of dorks.

I had no point in my life was I ever as cool as James Franco.

Ever.

What are you speaking?

I was a New York City fireman with my own TV show.

Yes.

And I still wasn't as cool as fucking James Reno.

So Ginim's dressing in wizard outfit.

He looks like Cookie Jarvis.

Is that allowed?

Oh, if he wears fucking cargo shorts in two degrees.

I was going to say, you encourage the cowboy hat.

I like the cowboy hat.

And no teeth.

I like the cowboy hat and the no-teeth.

It just sends, it feels like, it almost feels like we're in Mayberry, it feels like.

Or whatever town Maxwell lives in.

I wish that every store you walk in on Broad Street was like that.

Had a toothless Cretan wearing a point.

And he says, howdy.

Does that say hello?

I mean, if he wanted to, I mean, who am I to,

I would be, I think I'd be out of line if I was like, you can't wear your wizard robe.

You can't shame it.

Who am I to shut down a gandalf?

So, yeah, there was that guy.

It was becoming a distraction, though, and he was like really focused on it, like, I don't know, like, more focused on his robe than his work.

That's the situation, yeah.

This guy is grooming

everything that I was.

I can't help you right now.

I'm

priming myself, sewing stars on my hat.

I'm sorry.

As long as he was doing whatever, I'll be preening it after that.

I think I'd be very supportive of

his outfit.

Yeah, I used to dress as a ninja and run around my neighborhood at night.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you got blue.

Hard to believe, folks.

I thought you meant you were trying to fit in the black neighborhood.

No, at night I used to go around like a vigilante.

You would pretend you're a vigilante or something.

I pretend I was a vigilante.

Would you do that?

Did you?

I would trespass mainly.

That was

the crime.

That was the crime.

Me and one of my best friends, Jason, we would run around and just.

You would read the local newspaper.

It's all about trespassing.

You're like, why can't we cut these guys?

Right out there every day.

They're so elusive.

It's like they know where to come.

It's like they're ninjas or something.

We were like that last night.

Rick Amorty was cool.

Saw DMC.

Talked to him for a while.

He is dope.

Tommy Walker, remember of Sweet Fix.

Remember that band we went to see that hot girlfriend?

We went to see him and Sebastian Bach.

Oh, in the bass.

Yeah, in B.B.

Kinks.

Yeah.

Yes.

He's now in Daredevil.

He plays a role in Daredevil.

He's now an actor.

So a guy comes up.

Oh, this is what I meant to say: that

we're going to need to be regulated by the fucking FDA soon.

We

are helping so many depressed people.

And what's it?

Food and Drug Administration.

Yeah.

Why?

Why would we?

Because we help so many depressed people.

It's like Prozac, Paxilwell, Butrin, and us.

We got to be

one of the top four.

So many people come up and say they're like, hey, I got through a really hard time.

One guy is like, my friend died.

And he's welling up as he's telling me.

Oh, listen to Tolum Steve, Dave.

Maybe.

The Food and Drug Administration will be like, you're listening to too much.

Tell him, Steve Dave, we're not enough.

Well, I mean, it's a drug that's helping them.

Well, first, they'll say not enough, and then everyone will get addicted.

Then the government will blame them, the listeners.

You're helping them with their psyche.

Yeah.

It's always such an odd interaction.

We get that too.

They come up and be like, My son died of cancer.

And that's like that first words out of their mouth.

It's like,

hello, I'm Joe.

Hello, fuckface.

Oh, it's all right, fuckface.

Come on, have another one.

Yeah,

evidently a lot of people.

Which I don't know, like, I guess that's what feeling good feels like.

I started to reach out and help people physically, not just mentally.

Really?

Yes.

Go on.

I was at the mall.

I didn't go in, but I wasn't worried

because I was going to get shut up.

I just didn't want to go into the mall.

It was too crowded.

My wife and daughter went in.

Don't worry about the shopping.

And I said, I'm going to sit out

underneath

a parking garage because it was raining.

and they didn't want to get wet.

So I parked in the parking garage and I said, I'm going to see if I can fall asleep while you're in there.

I said, I'm tired.

I'll just sleep.

It's so cold.

He turned on the air conditioner.

He turned the air conditioner on, took all his clothes off, and tucked in for a night's nap.

The cops come over.

Ten minutes later.

I said, What are you doing sleeping out here naked in your car with the air conditioner playing?

It's natural, goddammit.

Don't you read?

I got out and ran away from the cops, and these three girls were like, Hey, come on, Forrest.

He's paradoxically burrowing in the trunk of his car.

And so I'm trying to fall asleep, but as I'm falling asleep, man keeps texting me dyslexia clues.

Who killed him?

That is one divisive game, in case you haven't noticed.

And

I turn my phone up.

As I turn my phone up, I see an old man, really old man, walking and moving his arms, like, you know, very

overdramatically, like waving his arms around.

And I was like, I wonder what that guy's doing.

but I thought I said I didn't really think about it so I I tried to fall asleep

another text came in I picked my head up and I see this old guy again oh he was falling he wasn't falling he was still like walking around very animated and it's like oh I bet you this this old man is uh lost or

you know he's having some problems maybe he's dealing with some sort of dementia I thought

and so I was I got out of my car and I was going to go over and I asked him if he needed any help but then I saw an old lady come towards him

surely they know each other

together.

And I'm like, all right, I'm not going to intrude.

Definitely, they're together.

So I don't know what they're doing.

So again, I got back in my car

and I'm waiting on them.

I'm waiting on them.

And I picked the seat up again, just to, and I see them again walking around.

And I can't do it, and I can't be like, I can't.

I think there's some of these.

And they are so old.

They were so tiny and old, like just cute little old couple.

And I said, hey, I don't want me to be intrusive or anything, but.

Are you guys already?

Oh, God, no.

Are you guys okay?

And the guy's so angry.

He's so annoyed at his wife.

He's like, she parked a car.

We don't know where the hell we're at.

Oh, really?

All right.

I said,

I go, and I said that.

And I see them walking around, walking around.

And I said,

do you want me to drive around?

I go, I don't want to drive.

Well, we listen to telling Steve Davis.

I don't want to freak you out and say, get in my car or anything, but I know that's free.

But get in the car.

But if you tell me your license plate, I said, I'll drive around.

I'll look for your car.

I feel like they can't remember where the fuck their car is and they know their license plate number?

That's what they said.

We don't remember their license.

They're like, what are you fucking?

What are you an idiot?

And I said, well, what's.

We're going to have this idiot help us.

Holy shit, let's help him.

Do you need some help, young man?

Well, that's coming.

Also, wear your pants.

What's the license plate that would have made you stop helping them immediately?

It was like kill all blacks for or something like that.

Like, what is the one?

I don't think there's any license plate.

I thought it was a lot of fun.

It looks like like the General Lee shit.

I like you put a four on it.

Like, there's three other kill all blacks license plates.

Well, this is Jersey, Joe.

That shit's everywhere.

It's like BLX because there weren't enough characters.

So they tell me it's a Chevy, a gold Chevy, and they go, just look for the Chevy symbol.

And I'm like, I go to cars.

I don't even know what a Chevy looks like.

So I'm like, all right, well, I'll look for a gold.

I'm driving a Chevy.

Yeah, gold's kind of.

So I get my gold Chevy and I start driving around.

So

I said, I'll drive around.

I'll look for it.

I figured they must have just missed it unless they're in the wrong spot.

So I'm driving around.

My wife texts me, and so I have to go pick her up at the door.

I said, we've got to help.

Look out.

There's reports of him

driving around, harassing old people.

I go, I'm trying to help this old couple.

I said, we're looking for their car.

I said,

unless they even found it.

I said, they may have found it by now.

And

I don't need to help them anymore.

So they get in their car.

I go, I'm just going to drive around the corner.

I said, to see if they're still there.

And sure enough, they're still there.

So then I said, like, I don't think your car is here.

I said, I don't know if your car is here.

I said, I don't want to scare you.

I said, but I hope it didn't get stolen.

Or it's most likely is probably parked in another spot.

I said, and

the husband comes around and says, the license plate he thinks is 944.

So I said, all right.

I'll drive around.

I go.

And they can see now they have, I have a kid in the car.

So they're probably a lot less worried that I'm some fucking creep or something.

or you just stole this child

so I drove

so little to do

we drove around the mall it took us about 45 minutes but I found a fucking car I drove around and I and I I got I put them in my car I drove them around to the uh to where their car was but they definitely were so fucking terrified even still getting in the car but they were like we don't know what to do we don't know what to do and I was like I swear to God it this where you parked it looks exactly like where we're at right now don't feel embarrassed just down this dirt road in the woods

there's no need to feel embarrassed or self-conscious, you know, because they keep going, we're so old.

I mean, you must think we're senile.

Like, oh, no, no, no, it's right over here.

But we found the car for him.

But of course, that's what you were thinking.

Like, oh my God.

Like, at any point, are you like,

I mean, at least I feel like I feel very safe with them on the road.

Like, is it green or red?

We stopped for.

In their defense, where they parked looks exactly like where they were looking.

No, but I couldn't have, I almost want to be like, at what point were you guys like, hey, let's look around the other side of them all?

They were so hell-bent on staying on this one section for almost an hour and a half.

They just walked around and walked around.

I feel like that happens to everybody, though.

I mean, it's not just the old people.

My mother called me from the mall.

My mother was, she always sharp as sharp as heck.

She called me that her car was stolen.

Joe, somebody stole my Mercedes.

Get down here.

I go, and I'm like, all right, where do you?

She goes, she's like, I'm here, and we're talking.

And I'm like, all right.

She's like, I went right in, but I went right into Penny's and blah, blah, blah.

And I'm like, okay, mom.

I was like, then why are you standing outside of Macy's?

And she goes, oh.

So she came out the wrong entrance, not JC Penny's.

She came out of Macy's and then drove her to her car.

Yeah.

But she was outside walking around for like a half hour.

I think her car got sold.

She had the mall security with her and everything.

That's what I told these guys to do.

I go, why don't you call Mall Security with me?

I'll help you.

And the guy was just so annoyed.

But I told him.

Next thing you know, they're fucking institutionalized.

Really, there's no helping though.

I'm a little for my daughter, right, though?

I mean, horrible example.

Like, I told her, I was like, I don't care what you just saw tonight.

You can never do that.

You can never trust somebody who's like, I'll help you.

I go, I know, like, you can't.

Even though, like, today you saw, like, us help these people, I don't care what happens.

You can never trust anybody saying, like, get in the car, I'll help you.

Do as I do.

Do as I say, not as I do.

Don't let people.

That old couple.

I'm a man.

I could have handled my sister oxygenary.

I would have taken those cigarettes out.

I could have taken Zostoporosis ass out.

I would have fucking pulled her house dress right over her head and fucking pummeled the shit out of it.

My nephew blew my mind.

We went trick-or-treating for Halloween.

And he said, he goes, Uncle Joe, let me ask you something.

Call his son, Vinny.

He goes, Let me ask you something.

I said, Why?

He goes,

Why can't I take candy from strangers today?

And I was like,

Like, my mind was blah.

I had no idea what to say.

He said, That's a valid question.

I said, After your mother, I don't even know what to tell you.

I thought that was a very good point for a young kid.

How old is he?

He's 12.

What I want you to know, you should know that by now.

I don't know.

You might want to know.

It's funny, he's still trick-or-treating at 12.

I wondered if I was done with that by then.

My daughter went, she's 13.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know.

You know, I mean, as long as their friends are doing it, then it's okay.

But if they're the lone trick-or-treater in their age group, then you might have to be a little worried.

Yeah, you got it.

It's not worried, but maybe like, hey, not this year.

It's grown up.

Your daughter went out with friends or you

came out with friends.

And you're okay with that, huh?

Why wouldn't I be?

Well, I mean, because everyone's so overprotective these days.

I wasn't sure if...

You were one of those guys.

Well, she's going out with a pack of friends, I mean, in a neighborhood where it's not uh it's not like there's sidewalks and everything and there's everybody else is trick-or-treating yeah

i wouldn't be worried about that yeah and she was home at a d at an hour where it's not dark out i mean that's what i've noticed is everybody has now done trick-or-treating about like seven eight o'clock at night it's just done

that's not the way it used to be it used to be like an all-night thing when did you start egging and shaving creaming that was probably around 12

no nobody does that anymore

they shut that shit down they did yeah they did

That was great.

Those were the good old days.

But I mean,

they really, I mean, if I mean, if we can eradicate that from society, there's a lot of stuff we should be able to do.

And cure society of a lot more ills.

What do you mean?

You start with people putting shaving cream on your car once a year.

Like, let's work from there.

There's our baseline, people.

That is so such a thing of the past.

Like, kids, you can't do that.

Sociopathic.

That's true, actually.

They wouldn't sell, remember, they wouldn't even sell shape?

Barbasaur.

Mischief night.

It's a thing of the past.

Hell night.

Hell night.

Yeah, it doesn't exist anymore.

No.

Which is, I think, is a good thing.

It's a little bit of a shame.

I'll tell you why.

50 years alone.

At least these kids today.

They take it too far.

Because you know what it is?

If it was just soap on the window.

Get off my lawn.

If it was just soap on the window, I'd be like, that's okay, that's cute.

But you always take it too far.

Yeah.

It's always one asshole kid.

Even toilet paper of houses and stuff.

That doesn't happen.

The toilet paper of houses and stuff.

Not in New York.

Yeah.

I had Halloween decorations up and I had candy to give to kids.

And the first person that knocked on my door, I took the decorations down and to the candy and didn't answer another door for the rest of the fucking day.

I put my security cameras on and I watched.

Because it's then it's like, could you take a picture?

Oh, you forgot that was going to happen?

I was excited, man.

I had a mask and everything.

I was going to do it because I was like,

they knew it was my house, and then that was it.

And so I took it in.

What were you giving away?

Tell me at least like a joker.

Yeah, a joker with fucking money to burn.

How about this, Pal?

How about this?

How about full candy bars?

It's not that fucking

bad.

Not fun size, full-size candy fucking bars, my friends.

Yeah, I did the photo package.

All in my house right now because the first person

ruined it by asking for a photo.

Yeah.

Hey, ruined it for everybody.

Ruined it for everybody.

Now you know who we did?

You got so many candy bars.

I'm coming up.

I'm going to bring that shit to settle fucking colours.

I'm excited.

Let me get back to my box of chocolate.

Full-size candy bars, huh?

Yeah.

I don't fuck around.

It's my favorite holiday.

And I wasn't going to Manhattan, so I'm should

go to be big in it.

Even last year, I went last year.

Yeah, you did.

You dressed up.

Went up.

But

this year, I just didn't have it.

I have the ribs, the broken ribs, and I just didn't want to be out and about.

Yeah, I want to ask you something about Halloween, actually.

I'm going to ask my friend to join us, though, for a little bit here.

My buddy, can you bring your chair over here?

I actually took the decorations down.

Like, I went outside and started taking down shit.

It's just

unfriendly vibe.

It just, I just

assumed that

people would know enough not to be like, Can I come to your home and take a picture with you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was wrong.

I had the record with that, with the spooky sounds.

Oh, yeah, I want to go to your house.

Why do you just keep the oh, because they knew it was your house?

They knew it was my house.

If you just kept the mask on, wouldn't it be all right?

They know, I just forgot that my neighborhood knows where I live.

Yeah, so that was that.

And they wrote on my car, they wrote in my car in the dirt on the window and stuff like that.

And they took parts.

Because then I was watching.

Then I was like, fucking Howard Hughes.

Then I was sitting in my house watching it on my phone.

Like they were taking patches of lawn.

They debated because I had a pair of my shoes out there.

And I was fucking Shea Stadium.

His mischief night over here.

So that was it.

So I ended up fucking spending my whole Halloween looking at a screen watching the neighborhood kids harassed.

Last year, I hunted down the person who emptied my candy bowl that said, please take one.

Did you?

I have the camera out front, and this girl took out a backpack, right?

She's walking by the house.

She did the look over the shoulders.

I'm watching her on my camera.

She opens her backpack.

She wasn't even dressed.

She's coming back from school this bitch.

Are you kidding me?

She goes, she unzips,

takes the whole bowl, right?

And this garanimal

pours it into a stupid fucking jance boy.

Yeah.

Zips up and keeps walking, right?

So then I start get dressed.

This is like, where you going?

I was like, I'm getting this bitch who just stole all our candy.

So I hop in my car and I'm driving by and she met up with another hooligan on the corner.

So her and her hooligan boyfriend are walking down the street.

They must have been anywhere between 16 and 18 years old.

And I go and I peel out around the corner, and now I'm going the wrong way down Merrick Boulevard.

So, I flip a U-turn and I skid up right next to her.

And I rubble down my window, and she goes, She goes,

They like, huh?

I go, I saw you steal all my candy.

I said, You took all my candy.

She's like, What are you talking about?

And I throw it in reverse, and now I'm going backwards up Merrick yelling at her about how she stole all my candy.

She needs to have respect for the holiday.

Not super safe driving any day of the year, but Halloween when there's lots of kids around.

Kids dressed as skeletons.

And ghosts in it.

Look at this.

You know, I have like five cameras in the front of my house.

Look at these items.

I have like one kid was screaming.

That's me taking the decorations down.

Look at the

fucking hood and sunglasses on.

That's me taking the fucking decorations down because fuck these kids.

And then

they come up and they're hitting my door.

They're yelling at the camera.

One kid told me he's going to put tarantulas in my fucking, in my thing because I didn't have any candy.

Look at them.

You didn't put the ball outside?

No, fuck them.

Yeah, you take that.

These are the kids that stole my grass.

So you know who they are.

Oh, I know who they are.

You know where they live in the neighborhoods.

Look, this is them.

I see them.

Look at them just taking your grass.

Take off your press.

What do you call it?

Lock?

I did it.

Swipe up.

I think it's a switch.

There you go.

I put it on.

Perspective lock.

There you go.

Same.

They just hang out there.

But wait, that group grocery about 15, and then they start stealing grass.

They come up on my porch.

They start trying.

They're debating whether to steal my shoes.

Why do you have shoes on you?

Because I take them off sometimes before I go in.

Do you got a muddering?

I get them?

These kids don't have enough respect.

They got nothing for me.

You should have thrown eggs at them.

This kid was the only good kid.

He dressed like John Cena and he was respectful.

He gets full candy ball.

He got a full candy ball.

Look at me.

You pulling down your things you need to post online.

Of you pulling down your decorations.

You look insane.

Look at this fucking group.

Now, they're taking selfies in front of my house.

They're taking pictures of my house.

They have nothing better to do to these punks.

You should run outside with the host.

See, they're waving at the camera.

They're making fun of me.

The fact that I have a camera.

They're taunting you, yeah.

They're like, oh.

Oh, I have like four, and they have green light.

I want people to know I have cameras.

Oh, yeah.

They're taking pictures of my fucking house.

Where are they so little, though?

They're like,

is that Walt's daughter?

Is that Walt's daughter still on your grass?

He's surveilling the entire fucking neighborhood.

The daughter doesn't want cameras around his neighborhood.

Private property, bro.

But

that's kind of a hypocrisy.

Absolutely not.

I said on that episode that private property, you can do whatever the fuck you want.

But

is your camera pointed at the neighborhood or is it only focusing

on your property?

That means nothing to do with anything.

Why?

One, because

it's private property.

I can set up cameras wherever I want.

It looks like you can see part of your neighbor's camera.

Sure, you could see out there, but I don't have a camera that's going to end at the fucking sidewalk.

And two,

couldn't angle it.

It's also security, dude.

Couldn't angle it so it didn't hit on anybody else.

Dude, look at these fucking dangerous hooligans outside my house.

Say, it looks like Walt's daughter.

She was just out with a pack of friends.

What would you do if you found out, like, Alicia, like, you're like, my shaving cream's missing?

What's going on?

And they come onto my private property, Walt.

They're leaning on your car.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're allowed to come on your private property.

They're not allowed to come on my private property.

They're not.

You're giving all my

fucking RA.

But how are they getting candy then?

Well, Halloween, you know.

They're not now because I pulled it in.

It reminds me much of.

This is happening right now?

No, no, no.

This is yesterday's feed.

Oh, okay.

I keep the feed for a year.

It's usually around to Thanksgiving before people are like, all right, fuck it.

I guess it's coming out.

This is at 4.47.

Right, but on Halloween, though, it's expected that people are going to come on your private sector.

Yeah, trespassing.

That doesn't mean anything to me.

How are they supposed to have this candy?

And why are you so happy?

I agree when there's fucking decorations out front.

Right, that's the amazing thing.

Don't step foot on the private.

Everybody knows that.

Yeah, that's true.

If you're housing a decorator, you don't come up.

I put a little pumpkin out.

Right.

What the hell do you live in?

What world of lawless social cues do you live in where you just go willy-nilly?

New Jersey.

Really?

New Jersey, we go up to everybody's store, regardless if they have Halloween decorations.

But how does that ⁇ that's not a good success rate.

They got to at least have a fucking paper scale.

Well, you just do it as quickly as possible.

You don't sit there taking fucking selfies for the next half hour.

I don't understand what you're saying.

It does not mean anything anymore.

Your land is barren.

It's just crazy.

Do Jewish people put up Christmas lights in New Jersey?

I have a Jewish friend who did.

See,

that's just wrong.

We're in a whole other world.

That's a whole different story.

It's only a bridge away, man, but it's a totally different world.

It's a different world.

It's two bridges for me.

Q, I wanted to introduce you to my new girlfriend.

Oh, okay.

She's moved in with me.

I've started making her car payments.

Okay.

The reason that she really loves me, though, is because she loves Monster Dick.

Who are we making fun of right now?

Nobody.

I'm introducing you to

somebody.

To the songstress.

This is Vicki?

This is Vicky.

Get the fuck out of here.

Holy shit.

I thought you lived in California.

I felt like Walt knew the whole time, and I'm like, why are we doing this?

Why are we doing this?

I do live in California.

She does songs for Telmse, Dave.

Songs.

That are

like professional quality, unbelievable songs for Telm C.

Hi, I'm Joe.

Hi, I'm Vicki.

Oh,

he was talking to Walt.

Oh, and hi, Vicki.

Your hands are so cold.

Oh, I'm a big fan of yours.

Well, likewise, everyone here.

So, thank you.

Hey, you do really good work.

What are you doing here?

Thank you.

I'm here for my sister's wedding because I'm from New Jersey originally, but I live in L.A.

now, but I'm the maid of honor, my sister's wedding.

Congratulations.

You're going to be performing at the wedding?

I will, actually.

I wrote a rap.

They're getting married.

Their last name's Mulcahy, so it's going to be like, hi, my name is Mulcahy, and I'm going to have to perform all the lyrics.

They don't know, but by the time this comes out,

you should do the monster song as an unclear.

I believe we're taking Sunday Jackson.

She's really done that.

Wow.

Yeah, it was actually...

I did it.

I saw people praising Monster Dick online and on Twitter, and I hadn't heard it until last week.

And then I was fucking blown away.

And we listened to it, me and you.

And every once in a while, I keep a notebook.

So whenever our next rap battle is, I have like lyrics.

It's like only about Mike and Ming being gay.

And what else is there to rap?

Prior to, yeah, really.

Prior to hearing Monster Dick, I was like,

maybe Vicky will do it, like, will do it with me.

And then I heard Monster Dick, and I'm like, she's too good to do it.

I wouldn't dare ask her.

Wow.

Like, here's just a bunch of stuff that I want to say about them that can be turned into a song.

Jeez, Louise.

That's fucking, I'm a little star-stroke.

It's pretty cool, right?

Yeah.

That's like, how many songs have you done?

Tell them to see Dave Centric.

Five, two, Christmas, and Monster Dick, Get Him, Superstar.

Get Him Superstar.

There was an original one, but that's like two years old already.

Maybe you didn't even hear it.

I don't know.

Well, no, Get Him Superstar, I heard.

That, yeah.

Monster Dick, I've heard.

Monster Dick.

And the Christmas ones were in the episodes.

Yes.

Yeah, so those I heard.

Yes.

And there was one more that was on episode 229,

Motor Dick.

But the song was, it was just TESD rap.

Like, it was my first shot.

But Declan liked it, so he was like, oh, I think you can make one about Get him.

Like, yeah.

Oh, wow.

Make one about anything.

And what do you do in your day, your day-to-day?

I'm turning into a star.

Podcast producer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I work for Moro Ronaldo from WWE and Boss Rutin from UFC.

Okay.

And I make their show, and I make a show called Point vs.

Point on all things comedy.

And Stanhope's on that on network as well.

So what do you think of the production on this show?

I think it's great.

Really?

Yeah.

I think it's good.

It's interesting as we share a mic because I can't get her show.

I love your valiant effort, too.

You tried like two or three moments, like, oh, we'll just share it.

You don't feel it's up to snuff cue?

I don't know.

I think, I know, I think, I think it's because coming into it, like, you feel very underwhelmed

because you guys are such a big thing right teleteve dave is this huge thing with huge following and then you come in and you come into such a shit show on wires and like shared mics and no headphones like you don't know like you think you're gonna come into like this professional real i'm going to the stash i'm gonna be on television dave and then you come in and it's just fucking garbage so i think it's just that's really i think that's what she's getting at yeah without saying you had to buy your own chocolate we didn't provide yeah yeah

I'd give the receipt to my $30 worth of chocolate that I got across the street.

It doesn't matter.

All the glitzy

high-end tech you can buy.

If you don't have the content, yeah, I got you.

It doesn't.

That's why I try to tell Ming all the time.

Stop showing off your fucking, all your gear.

If I call you buy that $1,000 mic, I'm just going to Tom Steve Dave.

The only reason we have

colored cables is because a fan sent them in out of pity a few years back.

They're using the same free mics we've been using since the very first time.

Day one.

Yeah.

No,

it's just a different level of you'd expect it to be good.

When you walk in, you're like, oh, okay.

Well, I'm glad I brought my own shop.

This whole shelf has become telling Steve Dave.

No, I'm going to be honest,

even the shop isn't that impressive.

We like to think of it as quaint.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's cozy.

Cozy.

That's how they say, you know, cozy two-bedroom.

This is what you want to

be a female, be a rapper.

Well, she is a female.

Yeah, you've accomplished.

You've got that half bottle, that bot's down.

Yeah, you've nailed it.

It kind of just came because you guys did the raps on the show.

We've inspired rappers.

Yeah, it was mainly like, Q, you're Sunday, Jeff.

Who's that bitch while God on a chain?

Like, that was, to me, one of the funniest things ever

on this show.

I was crying, and I'm like,

you're freestyle rap.

I wasn't aware.

I wasn't going to do aware.

Occasionally, I get overshadowed by Ming every time.

Well, he writes 10 pages.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

Oh, wow.

All right.

I'm like, I think I can make raps.

How long have you been in a rap game?

First one was December 2014.

Oh, wow.

For this.

But I really always wrote raps as a kid, like about our family.

And I would do it to make my family laugh.

And you write, though.

You don't like freestyle.

Yeah, no, no, no freestyle.

Don't have to be very

freaking.

No, very prepared.

Got it.

I edit the music.

Unbelievable.

What do you use to produce?

Audacity.

Yeah.

Yep, free software on a PC.

It's on a Dell.

Nice.

How is it that you're from Jersey, live in California, yet have like this weird Brooklyn accent?

I don't know.

Right?

That's a little odd.

Well, so are we, because the rumor that I heard, which I wholeheartedly endorse, you were going to put out an LP of the, is that the right term?

I was.

Well, Declan, yeah, Declan was like, you should put this out.

Like, you should put the single out people want to buy.

I was just going to put it

an LP's, right?

Is that what LP stands for?

Long play?

Yeah, long play.

Really?

Yeah, I believe so.

What's an EP?

You can hit it.

Extended EP.

Extended play.

Got it.

This could be the first, we could just be the first client of Four Color Demons vinyl of the album.

Put it out on vinyl.

Oh, my God.

Guys,

you're saying that she pays for the production and puts it out.

Okay, now I'm going to go.

We'll get all the points.

Right.

If you look at her investigator, I'll back you.

I'll back you to do it.

How much does it cost?

20 bucks?

40 bucks?

I got 40 bucks.

This box of chocolate was 30.

You guys take chocolate?

So you're saying that we

purloin the rights from her, like

say, like the Jewish music producers with all the black acts in the sky.

Well, you guys played it on your show, right?

You played it on your show, so you own it.

Right.

Okay.

Yeah, that's how it works.

You're on our stable.

That's it.

So wait, so if anyone comes after me over the sampling, do I

determine to you guys?

It reverts back to you.

All rights revert back to you upon litigation.

You got it.

I did wonder about that.

Like when I heard the Cantina stuff, I was like, hmm.

They're fairly litigious, but fuck it.

Like, just give it a try.

Like, what's it worse?

Cease and assist.

Like, Mink gets a cease and assist every week.

Yeah.

Like, because he's constantly playing music that he's not supposed to.

So fuck him, all right?

Yeah.

Just go for it.

Fuck.

Tell him Steve Dave versus Disney.

You know, like, then we'd get some cred.

We went to that.

And we went to war with Disney?

Yeah, yeah.

That'd be like war.

Yeah.

That's the same exact reasons in the mall parking lot.

It's going to be that same thing.

That's going to be a mall parking lot.

He's street cred.

We're most concerned with that.

You know who, Quinn?

I thought you might be jealous.

When I was talking to DMC in LA, he said that

Method Man really wants to be on Comic Book, Man.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

He said that he has like 35,000 comics.

He loves the show.

And he said he was calling this season trying to figure out how to get on.

I mean, I could text him right now.

All right, so you're not going to be jealous.

He says as he texts him from his phone.

And we'll find out if Daryl is lying or not.

You're like, so can I borrow Method Man's phone number, please?

I heard he wants to be on my TV show.

Can I borrow his number, Q?

Or we'll get in a three-way, we'll get in a, what do they call it, like a conference call with DMC.

I'll be like, why?

Why did you get my calls up?

Why giving it a round?

And he did.

He challenged Ming to a freestyle

rap on Facebook Live, and Ming backed down.

Really?

Ming went and battled him.

Freing freestyle.

Ming.

Ming freestyles?

No, Ming can't freestyle.

He can't.

Clearly, he couldn't.

If he had a day, he probably could.

That's not freestyle.

That's prepare.

I don't think you understand

how it all works.

He could do a written freestyle

with one day's notice with the best of them.

He's the M ⁇ M of written for

24-hour notice freestyles.

But also when Daryl went, though, I felt like it was probably prepared.

I mean, it was so smooth.

Whose?

DMC.

On Comb Bookman?

No, when we were at the con.

Oh, okay.

Because he did it anyway.

Right.

And he had a rap about comics and being a geek and stuff, but it was.

It seemed polished.

Well, it's so professional.

That's why.

Well, a lot of freestylers just memorize the lines that they have, and they improvise the first two lines wrapped around everything else, and then they come back and just drop the last two at the end, and it feels like it's freestyle.

That's like a trick.

Well, the first two lines were very racist about Chinese people, and then the rest was polished.

Was he battling Many?

I thought you said that.

I thought I said it back down.

Yeah.

So, yeah, you're probably right.

Did you ever into comics, Joe?

You said that you were kind of like...

No,

I've never got into comics.

I got into.

I played video games.

I've definitely played video games.

Comics I never got into, and I got into just Marvel because of the movies.

And then I was like, oh, this shit is really cool.

What's your favorite Marvel movie?

My favorite.

I probably.

I mean, I really, really like Civil War.

I liked Captain America Civil War.

But before that, it was definitely the First Avengers.

I thought they did a really good job of doing all that.

You thought that you would get

some street cred?

Like having a second impractical joker be that into comics?

Just like Quinn?

I mean, the geek world.

Yeah.

Because they're always looking for people.

But I wasn't like, like Sal pretends that he read comics a lot.

They got in a huge fight.

And

I made a bad joke at a Marvel panel, at a Marvel interview.

We never talked about this, actually.

The Green Lantern?

The Green Lantern.

I knew it wasn't, but that wasn't.

I was making a dig at Sal.

So Sal had worn, Q, you know, always wears.

Sal just went on a tear where he was buying Green Lantern GC.

Yeah, and so Q took it like personally.

He's like, hey, I'm the comic.

Well, I was just like, well, I wasn't, I was just like, he just fell around, and I'd be like, I'd be like, here's a post.

I'd be like, what?

I was like, name one Green Lantern.

I'd be like, name one Green Lantern.

He couldn't do it.

He'd be like, Green Lantern.

Wait, you're doing this in front of people?

No, yeah, we did.

He did it on set.

It happened actually.

I think it was on set or whatever.

So they're all just messing around.

So then fast forward to this Comic-Con in New York, we're getting interviewed by Marvel Entertainment.

And then they're like, oh, so you guys are big comic book guys?

And to make it, take a dig at Sal, I said, well, Sal's got, I said, well, Sal's got a Green Lantern t-shirt.

And then the the woman interviews was like, that's DC.

And it got like really

weird for her to take that step.

Yeah, it got really weird for a minute.

And then

I was like, and none of us bit.

So I was like, I was just a jerk.

Yeah.

She came over.

It wasn't working when I claimed that we cure cancer on the fucking panel.

I was the only one that spoke.

You were the only one that spoke.

I was the only one that spoke.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I heard about this.

That was a some kid shot up.

That was an odd shit.

That's what happens

when you don't think ahead and say, like, you know what?

Same saying buttons.

That's my Tyson joke.

It's not going to work.

I thought it was funny.

I still think it was great.

I was going for a groan.

I didn't get a groan.

What happened was

this guy got up and he was crying, talking about how so-and-so died of cancer.

It was a beautiful story.

I'm not making fun of it.

And how we helped him through it, and blah, blah, blah.

And I was going for a groan.

I like groans.

I'm a fan of groans.

And I was like, oh, that's all right.

I thanked him for watching.

And that happened.

Very sincere.

Joe got up and hugged him.

Sal started crying.

Murray started giving.

I was his green lantern shirt.

yeah murray

yeah

uh and i said well you think that's great i said well next uh we're gonna cure cancer and the

after he just told the whole audience of 2000 people that his brother had just done

not a single sound it wasn't a groan it was more like a vacuum got all the sounds

nothing it was like whoa and then I was you know

torn because it was an even better reaction than the groans But I also know that we weren't on that panel to get silence and groans, and the president of Turner was sitting in the front row in the whole room.

So, Joe saved me.

Yeah, I just turned to him.

I said, No, but I think you got your facts wrong because we haven't cured cancer.

Yeah, but anyway, we started laughing.

Now we were able to joke about it, but if you were there, you would have fucking loved it.

Yeah, the one lonely.

You like 80s class people.

Anything for the joke?

I thought it was great.

Mark Tyson's a rapist.

Right, kids.

Look at this screen cap.

He's smiling.

Holy shit.

I'm not saying Mike Tyson's a rapist.

By the way, I want to be very clear about that.

Yeah, but I don't know if I understand or agree with that.

I don't know all the facts.

Is O.J.

a murderer?

I'm comfortable with saying OJ's a murderer.

Why?

Because he's in jail.

He's going to be on IJ.

I'm not going to run into OJ anywhere.

I may run into Mike Tyson somewhere, and I want it to be very clear that I don't know the facts.

Hey, fuck Fates.

Come here.

I said, fuck Fates.

Don't you get it?

I'm on TV.

Firefox are on TV.

Yeah.

Where you go, white boy?

Would you,

if Mike Tyson were to in a public setting.

Yeah.

He

charge you to a rap battle.

Would you rap?

Yeah.

That I would do.

It's a three-way rap battle.

You, Mike Tyson, and me.

No, he starts calling you out because he heard a joke that was made on Tellum Steve Dave.

Well, paint it a little more.

Where am I?

All right, you're at your

lobby.

Okay, Vegas.

I'm in Vegas.

Waiting for a car to go.

Busy lobby.

You guys are waiting for cars.

He notices you.

People are taking pictures with both of you.

Okay, so that's there are witnesses.

Right.

He's like,

Isn't that that motherfucker from Tell Steve Dave?

I think he would say iTive.

I have to say you're Tyson.

Well, he didn't hear the joke on

IJ.

Bro, we don't make rape jokes on IJ.

He doesn't even know that IJ exists.

It's a big sweep weeks pickup.

Yeah, we really got into that.

We do it on the commercial break, the cliffhangers.

Will you say it?

They bring in Hollywood's best rape joke writers.

Yeah, and he's like, come here, boy.

In that situation, I'd probably give him some shit back,

I think.

Because it's so public and you're like, he was public, even though he's hit many people.

Well, no, look, it's public, so there's witnesses.

So if it goes south,

people can watch you get your ass.

I guess, like, at least maybe I could sue him.

I just think that that's a safety level that having people there.

And also people are recording it, so I don't want to look like a pussy on the internet.

Right.

Maybe you started running.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I'd probably go back at him a little bit.

Right.

But I mean, I wouldn't be eager to fight the guy.

If in an elevator, me and him, and nobody around, I'd just apologize and be like, oh, you know how it is, Mike.

Take your hand out and say, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm man enough to admit.

Fuck you, I'm mad enough to admit I was.

I should have called your fuck face.

You would look like, who is that football player in the elevator with his wife or whatever?

That's what Quinn would look like.

Dragging out like a rat.

I would like just present.

I'm like, take it out however you see fit, Mike.

But in public, I'd probably risk the vicious beatdown.

Right.

Could you survive a punch?

Like, if

he hits you

right in the side of the head?

Like, he sucker punch.

She's like, take this shit.

I think if Mike Tyson wants to kill me with a punch, Mike Tyson can kill me with a punch.

Yeah.

Even now, yeah.

I mean, I can't fucking ride an ATV without breaking three ribs.

You must have fight with a motor vehicle.

You were fell by a quad.

I've had two sets of broken ribs this year alone, man.

You think fucking Mike Tyson can't pop my weak bones?

Yeah, one was done by a GoPro and one was done by an ATV.

This is fucking.

How is that going that injury?

You seem a little bit better.

The lower back, which was killing me the last time, is much better.

The ribs are...

Because what happens is it's

allergy season.

So I start each day with sneezing fit, and it just feels like it's breaking them.

For an hour, I'm in like horrible pain after a sneeze.

You're redoing the damage.

Yeah, it's just miserable.

And then now it just feels like there's like a toothache here and a toothache there all the time.

I can deal with that after the sneezing is how's that thigh?

Thigh's still numb.

Still numb?

Yeah, the hip still.

He just wanted to say it.

Take that die up, boy.

It's a weird thing.

Power your gams.

You're up a gamble area.

Do I pull my pants up?

You're not sure if your pants are.

I feel it sliding on this side, but I don't feel it on TV.

Yeah, it's a weird one.

That's the excuse he uses around schools anyway.

I'm on TV.

I'm sorry, your pants are off.

I'm on TV.

I got a busted hip.

I got into an ATV crash, and I can't jump my pants off.

They fell.

Can you explain this pocket full of candy?

No, I don't know how that got there.

Why?

I was going to give away on Halloween.

Let's see what happened there.

That's me taking down my decorations.

Officer.

And everything checks out.

Have a good day, sir.

Could you get away with it?

What?

As an impractical joker.

No.

In a school zone.

Pants around drank.

You have your meundies on.

And you're like, those darn suspenders.

I don't think so.

No?

I don't think so.

No,

that's a rough one.

We tried to shoot a bit in season one, season one, where we were at a park in Manhattan.

And

the idea was we had to start baby talking a child and then move it up to their parents and continue a normal conversation.

We're at a kids park, not like a park park.

It was a dedicated kids park with like a playground and that's ambentions.

The cops got called on us because we were for middle-aged adult men with no kids in a kids' park going, whoa, whoa, how are you?

And I mean, the cops got called within an hour, like even that long, half hour?

It was the first season that our production crew didn't necessarily do the permit thing right.

So they actually walked away and left Cube talking to the cops.

were like,

yeah, they had the cameras run from far away and they were like, hey, listen, you know, they don't know that he's with us.

We can't get in trouble.

We can't risk getting caught.

So if he gets in trouble, it's okay.

We'll just figure it out.

But just make sure he doesn't say they're with the production.

I said, Siri, here's what I said.

So Q is literally just like a felon talking by the counter.

I mean, I was still in the department at that point, so I was able to sort of work around it and just tell them what we were doing.

But

I don't think so.

Yeah.

How much stuff do

it even make it to the table that you're like, that's way too offensive?

Well, I mean, look, you've got a bunch of funny people in a room.

So

most of the day is spent making offensive jokes.

Right.

You know what I mean?

Like 15% of it, 20% of it is usable.

The rest is like...

I think that's fair.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

We just.

But you never tell what people get offended at, though, too.

Like, sometimes things that we think are pushed along a little bit, people will really take to heart.

Like two weeks ago, we made Murray do that.

Three weeks ago, Murray had a punishment where he had to tell kids that he was a pet cremator and uh oh i saw that

yeah did you see that one yeah

he was doing it and and i was surprised that it was a couple of times like you have to get every parent's permission ahead of time yeah the shit he was saying to these little kids i was like this is crazy yeah

like he's like it's like it just got real with well the kid's face when he pours out this the cremated ashes and he pulls out a chain

a dog chain a dog collar that has a little dog going on the kid made the perfect perfect face for it.

And then at the end, we just had him.

He was sitting there and he was literally holding it in front of his face, just staring at him.

Yeah, he's just staring at it.

I couldn't believe it.

Yeah, that was dark.

Yeah, that was funny.

Like, most the best, my favorite line from the whole thing was like, most

crematorians, if you cremate a turtle, won't won't destroy the shell.

And then a turtle comes out and he goes, we destroy the shell.

And then it says, cowabunga.

Like, turn you into cremate turtle.

Yeah, we made them go back in the edit and they had the cowobunga.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, God, it was great.

This is actually what I was going to

ask you guys.

And we never, I mean, really, we almost never have guests on.

There's a Cavalcade Walt.

Yes.

Superstar, Joker, Joe Gatto, Superstar Rapper.

Upcoming.

Vicky Pezza.

Yeah, soon to be released on Four Colored Demons Records if she can raise the money.

And of course, there's no litigation.

Otherwise, independent project.

Hillary Duff.

Wait, is this more political correctness stuff?

It is.

Now you have to decide if.

Where the fuck is the goddamn costume?

Like, she apologizes for it, but I can't find it.

Oh, pilgrim?

She was dressed as sexy pilgrim.

Yeah.

The guy she was with.

I would like to think that.

The guy she was with was a chief, right?

He was the Indian chief, yeah.

Yeah.

She says she's true.

So they're upset at her husband?

Is it her husband?

Whatever.

And her for being a pilgrim?

There's no reason to be upset with Hillary.

I just saw it.

But a pilgrim is is not a...

A pilgrim is not offensive in the slightest.

The Indian chicken.

I would like to think that every pilgrim chick came over in pilgrim hot pants,

pilgrim buckle hat.

Well, look.

He really went for it, though, with the face paint

and it's red.

Like he really went for it.

Well, I'd say this.

I think it's silly to get offended that he's dressed like an Indian.

That being said,

he should be smart enough to know that

people are just going to bitch and whine over it.

So, so he's dumb for doing that.

Why the fuck is anybody upset that she's a pilgrim?

I think she's getting caught in a crossfire of association.

Well, she's, yeah, she's the one that is famous.

Like, if he apologized,

like, people would, like, if you saw this guy, you'd be like, I don't know who that is.

But yeah, she should be

posing that happily with somebody who's obviously sticking a finger

up at

the

people who have been treading.

He's clearly off the reservation.

I wanted to tell you, I wanted to mention this, but last week, since we recorded,

a lot of people reached out to me and told me that

how happy they were

with some of the things I said, and that I have been, they said a couple people have dubbed me as being woke.

You woke?

How did you get woke?

I didn't even know I had woke.

What's woke?

Woke is like, is what this was about, it's a lot of street cred.

It's aware.

It's a woke.

It's just being aware of

what's social.

Oh, so a PC faggot?

Oh, dude.

Come on.

We got Joe Gatto from a practical joke or

that.

I'm the Indian, you're Hillary Duffy.

That's right.

I'm just a sexy pilgrim over here, Johnson.

I don't know what you're talking about.

A lot of young

people

who can give me that, who are eligible to pass that compliment on to me.

Reached out and told me.

I want to know what number is a lot.

How many would be a lot?

What do you think would be a lot?

More than one.

Okay.

Okay, so a lot?

Yeah.

Okay.

Wow.

Lots at this point now.

And I have to, and I feel an obligation now to continuously stand up for those listeners.

I hope you don't get cold because then you're going to fall asleep.

The other ones look great.

Rocking that music.

Oh, my my God.

Mentioned at least three times per spot.

What are the copy points?

Okay.

I think those are suggestions.

So we're talking loot crate.

Well, everything highlighted, mandatory in every read.

All right.

Personal endorsement story.

Well, I can give you that.

I love loot crate.

Go ahead.

Let's hear your story about the time you got loot crate and you loved it.

No, I get it every month.

Man, I dig it.

There's at least two things in every loot crate.

It's like deja vu.

Every time you open that loot crate box, it feels like the first time.

It's awesome, man.

There's many different size loot crate boxes.

So sometimes you'll get a big one

and you know something big's in there.

Sometimes you get a small one, you know, something like small

tights in there.

Yeah, it's cool.

Why are we making BQ

unboxing or uncrating or whatever you would do to a loot crate so we can see the joy that comes along with it?

Hey, can you do us a favorite cue?

The next time you get a loot crate, can you save it and bring it to a recording?

We'll do an audio unboxing.

No one's ever done that.

Notice that he does periscopes.

He plays music and puts fat pictures of me up.

That's funny.

Tell me about this.

He said,

he watches you play music.

Well, you don't watch me play music.

What I like to do on Periscope

is I'll just put on a record and then I'll just put on the Periscope and just like almost DJ Walt.

Just play me.

Do you want to see yourself a DJ?

I would love to be DJ.

What do you kick off your jams with?

What's your go-to?

Kick it off.

There's no kickoff.

You got to roll.

You got to get the ground up.

That's why I'm on Periscope, like a chump instead of a professional DJ.

I don't have a kickoff.

Do you think Quinn has, Vicky?

Does Quinn have what it takes to be a professional DJ?

From what I've seen so far, yeah, I think you can make it work.

Well, I play, I lean towards like classic rock.

It doesn't matter what you've seen, it's what you hear.

Well, no, because she, well, she's seeing and hearing it on Periscope.

She ain't watched that.

Did you ever see him?

You never saw him?

A lot of that.

Basically, he focuses the camera on a record and then puts like superhero statues, fat pictures of me, different things like in the frame.

Well, what happens is that?

Is that redundant?

Like, there's only fat pictures of me.

No, I'll put skinny ones next time.

I've only done it twice in four years.

It's not like I do it all the time.

But

it's.

What did you start off your jams with this last time?

I think Bob Dylan.

Times, they are a changing.

They sure are.

Sure are.

And any chance.

Any chance.

Pat himself on the back.

And then people are like, well, I want to see you.

They're like, well, let me see you.

I want to see you.

I want to see you.

But to me, I'm not really like, it's not what I'm trying to do.

I'm not really into self-promotion.

You want to get some credit as a DJ.

Well, I just want to say, why don't you wear like what's that?

Dead mouse?

Fame as an IJ.

Yeah, why don't you wear like a Deadmouse head?

You know?

Well, it's not that type of DJ.

I'm just playing with you.

Why don't you just open another account on Periscope as an anonymous and just do it and not as BQ?

Because then I wouldn't get nearly the amount of

listeners.

Oh, he wants viewers.

He wants views, man.

He wants hits.

Tyro.

What'd you end this list?

He wants hearts.

What'd you end this set list with?

Shit, I do know this.

I ended with,

fuck.

It wasn't Elvis, but it was...

Oh, Billy Joel.

I ended with Billy Joel.

I just play one side of a record and then I flip.

I forget which one.

Yeah.

So what happened was people like.

What album was it?

It was The Greatest Hits Volume 2.

So people will be like, well, let me see, let me see.

And then Giddam started texting me through it saying he was listening.

So I put a picture of Gidham on the camera.

He loves.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

And then

not only is he texting you, he's like,

Q is periscoping, and he just showed a picture of me.

Yeah.

I'm like, I'm looking at it.

It's like 9:30 at night.

I'm like, why the fuck is he telling me this?

I don't know.

But then people then.

Why is he telling me this?

He shouldn't tell me this tomorrow at work.

He definitely shouldn't be telling me at 9.30 at night that this is happening.

He's like, but I got my good belt and shoes on.

My tits are all cinched up.

My nipples are cheap.

Oh, so wait, how do you know there was a picture of you on it?

Did you watch?

Did you watch?

Remember, I took the screencast.

Oh, that's right.

Because I commented on it.

Well, that was.

Right.

Because then aunts were like, oh, let me see more pictures.

So I put pictures.

I didn't realize you didn't like the picture.

So I'll find that.

Are you kidding me?

I'll find a nice picture.

That's fine.

Did you endorse Luke Crate?

I can't remember.

I did, yeah.

I really love it.

And we're going to do an unboxing here.

Did you get the Halloween box?

I did.

It's cool stuff in there, right?

Yeah, man.

They had the little 1113th Pennant.

Can't have Crystal Lake?

You didn't get it?

Oh, the Pennant.

Yeah, the flag.

Yeah, it's hanging in my living room.

I got that.

The Michael Myers pin, the Leatherface plushie.

What do you think?

It makes it way less horrific, right?

Yeah, he's very good.

Yeah.

Yeah, what are you going to do?

Because if you want to introduce them to kids, that's the way you start.

Yeah.

But I want them to do it sensitively.

Mm-hmm.

Because

I'm waking up.

I'm not woke yet.

I don't think you'll ever get any kind of

legitimate props for being

fictional characters.

No.

Like Leatherface.

You got to keep it real.

You can see the disgust on Walt's face as someone who's woke.

Yeah.

I can't tell you.

Is it a noun or an adjective?

Is it an acronym?

Does it stand for something?

All right.

But shouldn't you be something?

It's born an adjective.

It's a proverb.

It's a

haiku.

It's all that shit.

But why are you being very, you're excluding me?

Like, I want to be woke.

Help me wake.

Yeah, he's so annoyed by it.

I know.

This is mine.

I don't know if that's it.

You can't have it.

All right.

Fair enough.

How can you do it?

You got to.

Luke Crate's like, how do you do Luke Crate?

You know what he's going to say?

Or are we still talking about this

You got to get up and be ready to fight.

Yeah.

Okay.

You got ready with me over obvious points.

And if you're not ready to fight, then keep your eyes fucking shut tight.

Right.

Don't even ball.

Like, so tight that you look like Ming.

See, that's not woke.

I mean, come on.

Did you ever think there was a chance?

Sleeping Beauty over here is going to fight.

I thought it was going to happen by the end of the episode.

And now

I don't know.

I'm thinking it it might not.

Yeah, but let me ask something.

Are they against people like Brian who are just having fun and means no harm and likes everybody?

Or

are they supposed to be fighting real angry-ass racists, people who are trying to keep other people down?

People who are hateful.

Brian's not hateful.

You know that.

He's just ignorant.

No, I mean, not even ignorant.

I just think that

he wants to beat the drum too much

and and try to like and try to

not legitimize, but try to say, like,

I want it, like, I want a world.

He wants a world that he grew up in.

It's not his fault.

Right.

But, you know, he doesn't, he's got to, he's, when he's ready to come and acknowledge that, like, like, like Dylan said, times are changing.

And he's just not able to do that yet.

Hopefully, one day he'll get there.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Who's hoping this?

Not me.

Well,

maybe, maybe all your friends are.

Oh, yeah.

I know at least one who isn't.

Probably two.

I really, yeah, I want this for me.

I don't really want you guys to

keep going.

Every time he even has a Ming voice, I know I'm safe.

Well, guess what, guys?

I'm woke.

Look at me.

Q, are you the envy of your friends?

No.

Some of them are.

You're not bragging enough then.

Okay.

Because you can get your 100% exclusive crates

at lukecrate.com/slash T-E-S-D, and you're going to save 10% off of a new

subscription.

Now, this is where it's weird.

Yeah.

Copy points.

Mention at least three times a spot.

That seems like a lot for something that's supposed to be like 60 seconds.

Well, for Christ's sake, for all the talk that we didn't talk about them.

Yeah.

Right.

We owe it to them.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's true.

We should complete at least one round.

Okay, we'll do one round.

Sorry, we'll meet you half, we'll meet you a third of the

way,

not quite halfway, maybe next time.

Uh, on a quest for epic gear, housewares, and collectibles, Loot Crate has it.

Loot Crate offers an epic range of pop culture items for less than $20 a month.

If you're more of a fanatical fashionista, then try Loot Wear, monthly wearables and accessories with cult classics, and all your favorite franchises.

Holy shit, only one more.

I'm almost there.

If you want to get fancy, get a bigger box with even bigger loot with Loot Crate DX dicks.

How do we get on the DX list?

I don't know.

I guess you got to go to lootcrate.com.

But how am I going to inform our audience if I'm not on that, what's in that box?

I don't know.

Can you imagine saying that three times, though?

Maybe you have to do it in real fast mode, like car commercials and shit.

Yeah.

Walt, get ready for November's.

Get ready for November.

God almighty.

Get ready for November's enchanting theme, magical.

Loot Crate has cast a powerful ancient spell to deliver you.

There's some Harry Potter stuff.

Doctor Strange, Fantastic Beast, where to find him.

Big Trouble in Little China.

Oh.

So much more.

You know what they throw into every box is a cool t-shirt.

I think they fucked either.

I'm way fatter than I thought I was, or they fucked my order up.

Because it says 2X, the Negan Sluggers or whatever.

It fits like, I look like Gidum, like how tight his shirt is.

It really wears like a men's medium.

I'm like, I can't even get this over my head.

Well, I don't think they have you size right, my friend.

Yeah, I'm going to have to get my measurements taken over at Luke Crate.

Yeah.

You know, for a more precise fit.

I think they do that.

Maybe just have what was that?

I'm like, can you make me a Negan Mumu that I can just sling on?

No, you've been losing weight.

What was that place we did the suits ads for?

Oh,

Indochino.

Indochino.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The one we went to.

Oh, Trunk Club.

Yeah, just have Trunk Club send your records over to Luke Crate.

No, but we went to Indochino for the funnel.

All right, we'll have Indon Chino send your records.

Did we ever do those commercials?

I don't even think, I don't remember even, I don't remember that name.

Yeah, we did, because remember, we told Walt How they didn't touch our junk.

Oh, that's right.

That was a big fear.

Indochino?

Yeah, that was Indochino, where you would think they would because everybody's gay, but

what does that mean?

They were able to keep their hands off because, come on, but what the fuck?

Beefy, like somebody beefy like me goes in there.

Oh, like a bear?

Oh, yeah.

But that means they don't

control.

They were fighting over who was going to measure me Okay.

Over there at Indochee.

You're not woke at all, dude.

You shouldn't even be allowed to drive.

You can't.

They were clawing.

You would get from your house to here.

They were clawing each other's eyes out, trying to get

your nails peeled back and shit.

It's Narcolepsy Brian, I'll be

for 20 straight minutes on the parkway.

Mr.

Magoo.

Yeah, I wouldn't have to.

Well, it's gotta be enough.

LukeCrate.com slash D-E-S-D.

Come on, go get that fucking cool shit that I know all you dorks like.

Q.

I can't help but notice you noticing this watch on my wrist.

I am noticing that is actually a very sweet-looking watch.

Black.

All black.

Black on black.

Yeah.

Like my favorite movies.

Now,

if a man man of

your stature

as a joker with refined tastes

is

ogling my watch openly.

Surely.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

These are

eye-catching.

These are the

movement.

Movement.

Ah, yes.

I was supposed to get one of these.

How come I didn't get one?

I don't know.

Because now I want to.

Did you tell them what you wanted?

I'm pretty sure I did, but now that I'm looking at yours, I really want it.

Pretty nice, right?

I see that.

There you go.

They were founded, Walt.

You're not a watch guy, right?

No, I got one.

You got one?

They sent you one, too?

You had to pick it out, Q.

I'm pretty sure I did.

I went to the website.

Did you?

Did you get a lady style for your dainty wrist?

Oh, man.

This is awesome.

No, I got a pocket watch.

Yeah, nice.

Do you have pocket watches?

No.

I don't know.

They might.

They probably do.

They're working on it if they don't.

That's how that's.

It's to go with the Warview Parker monocle.

Yep.

Is it your new thing now?

Like, did you tell your kids about that, woke?

I did.

And what did she say?

Like, what did they say?

I knew what it was immediately.

So I had to look it up.

It's a thing now.

Yeah, I would have to look it up too.

But were they proud of you?

Like, all right.

They were like, what makes you woke?

You're like, because I recognize the colored as equals.

And they're like, huh?

Some woke and watches.

Yeah, movement watches.

Sorry.

Before we go down this rabbit hole to do too much for you.

Yeah, let's focus on movement.

Let's see.

500,000 watches sold to customers, 160 plus countries.

You'd be surprised.

They're very inexpensive.

Not cheap, Q.

No.

They start just $95.

Well, that's not cheap.

Like a cheap watch is like.

I mean, inexpensive, yeah.

I guess they.

It's not even that inexpensive on the wall.

They cut out the middle, man.

Right.

Nice stainless steel back.

They got the date date on this one.

You got the complications, as they call them.

You got a bunch of them.

Oh, is that what they call it in a watch?

Yeah.

Anything on the front face that's not the time is referred to as a complication.

Really?

And you have a four here.

That has to be a lot, right?

Yeah, man.

Fucking, it's dope.

You got a stopwatch on here?

Yeah.

That's for when I do my sprints and stuff.

Oh, dude, look, that one keeps, that one starts it.

This is a cool watch, man.

Actually, I don't use a stopwatch for my sprints.

I use the date, the calendar thing.

Yeah, all right.

That's a good one.

Yeah, that's a little fat humor.

Yeah, I like that one.

That was good.

It's a term of endearment, this person told me.

And the first person that has awakened

is on the pulse of social, social, positive change, guys.

The irony being that, like, you had to fucking look it up in order to find out what it meant.

No, the irony being that, like, you shouldn't be trying to achieve right

you should just it should just happen naturally it's an enlightenment that like suddenly you're like you know it yeah it's

this person told me it's almost like a third eye kind of finally opening um they all it sounds like a like but you have to you have to be you can't just try to get it but you also have to be in line with whatever the popular agenda is or the right agenda maybe not just the only popular but right sure but like a woke person back in the 1800s had a whole different meaning.

Are you going to hear someone?

Yeah, did they qualify by saying woke for like 1845?

I told this person that you guys would try to

take it away?

To demean it.

We try to

delegitimize

my woke, but I said I wouldn't have it.

Is it a noun?

It's a noun.

I thought it was an adjectivity.

You always have been a voice of reason, but this week you were really into it.

I thought you'd back down for some of the topics, but damn, you really went for it.

You didn't disappoint us young people, and especially as a representative of the term people of color, quote-unquote, I was impressed and felt like you stood up for us.

Nice, dude.

Stay off my bridge, motherfucker.

Back to the vlog.

So, anyway, everybody, this is a great thing about movement, is like they don't care.

They don't care what color you are.

Yeah, the ultimate woke.

Sexual identity,

or sexual gender, whatever you identify with.

Cis.

Everybody needs a watch.

Yeah, your cis scum, they got a watch.

Transgender, you got to watch.

Everybody's got to watch.

Everybody needs to know what time it is.

Yeah.

And it's time for fucking change, motherfucker.

Oh, my God.

That's what time it is.

You're selling out to one person amongst God knows how many.

What?

Somebody complimented you, and you're like, Yeah, yeah.

Moke.

Person of color, huh?

But you don't even know what color.

Do you just, in your white mind, you were like, oh, a black guy.

He gave me a compliment.

No, I didn't.

Do you consider Ming a person of color?

Actually, I don't see color anymore.

Oh, you're that woke?

Holy shit.

I didn't even see that.

Yeah, this is amazing.

Wow, movement is lucky to have you as a spokesman.

And the people are even luckier.

They're 15% off

with free shipping and free returns.

It's always this way with you guys,

it's all a big joke, free shipping,

free shipping of free returns,

mvmtwatches.com Slash.

You actually have to pay more for your watches.

Slash TESD.

I think I paid a cracker surcharge.

I believe I did.

But that's how I'm...

Black on black, man.

That's why I got it, to stand in solidarity with black people whom I do love.

So, yeah.

Movement.

These guys, they tried to go to Kickstarter twice, and Kickstarter was like, nah, your idea is not original enough.

Oh, there's a criteria now for original ideas.

No, exactly.

That's the first thing I thought of.

I was like, holy shit, thank God.

We got under the wire.

Original ideas, yeah.

They said twice, no movement.

So how did they make it?

I don't know.

They went to some other crowdfunding place.

I forget, Indiegogo or something.

And they got.

Wait, that's the name of this company?

No, it's Movement Watches, but it's MVMT.

M-V-M-T

Watches.com/slash T-E-S-D.

They are beautiful watches.

Somebody do me a favor.

favor.

They're gorgeous.

Buy us a watch.

No, don't buy us a watch.

Buy a watch for yourself.

Yeah.

I wore the watch, and

I got a few compliments on it already, and that's not worth it.

I will say this: two things that women notice

always.

My ears have perked up.

Like I said, you're the sexpert.

Yes.

Two things, without a doubt, that guys don't realize are shoes.

Said this before.

I've said this before, and I've never,

shoes.

I can't believe it.

I still don't believe it, but I'm not sure.

She's wrong.

I'm just saying.

Vicki's right here.

I like how

you skirt, but look at that.

She even knows what I'm wearing.

And I'm on their table right now.

My shoes.

Get up under that table.

I know.

Quick, David is the sex furt.

I'll be rapping about this next week.

Two things.

All right, shoes.

And the one thing that could take a crappy outfit and make it a good outfit, no matter how bad it is, is a watch.

Oh.

Is what?

We'll do that.

I was going to say a belt.

A nice tight.

That's why.

That's why.

Muslim shut the width.

I love Kiddum's belt when he wears it right underneath his tits.

Yeah, and

he tucks the shirt in nice and tight.

That belt looks fucking fine, man.

Yeah, no, if he's got the shoes to match, forget it, man.

He doesn't have shoes.

It's a powder shirt.

Because, like I said, I'm woke now, so

I wouldn't get any work done.

Right.

He's awoken something in you.

You make it wear it.

Like, you can make him go power.

Let your wizard grow back on.

I can't concentrate on it yet.

Yeah.

So, look, you're out there right now.

You want to step up your game a little bit.

You need a really dope watch.

Oh, I'm that sound true.

It's a watch, too.

Shoes and watches.

Big deal.

It shows that A.

Yeah.

You need to know what time it is because you're a fucking busy man.

Right.

Well, you just put a little thought to it.

That's why if you have, if you have, like, look, I know people like those calculator watches.

Now they're wearing them ironically.

That's not going to do it.

Digital.

People have been wearing them again.

Yeah.

I get it.

They're cool as shit, but

they're not getting the women.

tingly.

It's not getting women tingly.

Is this true, Vicki?

We can ask you.

Only black-on-black movement.

There you go.

And look at these sneakers, man.

What do you think of these?

They're very nice.

They're kind of nondescript for my liking, but.

No, they're fry.

This is a $250 pair of sneakers.

Oh, my God.

All right, well,

it's two years old.

Yeah, a nice watch.

Do yourself a favor.

Go get it.

A lot of guys don't wear watches.

You're making a mistake.

Is there a certain arm you should have the watch on?

Well, I go left

because I'm right-handed.

So if I had a watch on my right hand, I'd be knocking.

Is that some sort of thing, though?

Is it like in certain communities have you got the watch on the wrong hand?

I don't think so.

No, I don't think so.

Oh, really?

Q goes in with the watch on his left hand.

Next thing you know, he's...

No, I wear it on my left hand.

He's got no shoes on, no pants on, no shirt on.

Some people wear it on the face on the inside.

I don't do that.

John McClain did that in the diehard movies.

I'm not a fan of that.

I don't like it when people wear it way up on their forearm either.

Yeah.

Some people don't have fat wrists.

Yeah.

Walt has two links in his watch.

That is a good-looking watch.

You look fantastic.

Yeah.

Watches.

You cannot.

I'm not going to get my foot.

And I'm going to get myself a wizard robe.

There you go, man.

Dude, you'd be a lady killer.

All right.

Trying to fit your fat ass foot in Cinderella's slipper, you're unable.

Your sick ass drops a deuce in that glass shoe like it was a glass tape.

Glass tape.

Glass tape.

I like getting a head

because it's so convenient.

You can do it anytime.

You don't have to beat it.

You can get it in the car or even in the park.

But most headhunters go out after dark.

There's nothing like a pretty hoe underneath.

Sucking my knee and licking my beads.

We don't have to take our clothes off to bust a nut.

When I pull out my dick, bitch, puck her up.

And gimme some, gimme some, gimme some, gimme some, gimme some, gimme some, gimme some, gimme some, gimme some, gimme some.

You say you want a knight in shining armor to ride in on his horse.

Well, you know you need a fat boy skilled in the the art of intercourse.

You need your prince charming so you can play Snow White.

But who's kidding who?

We both know you'd let those ugly ass dwarves pull a train on you.

Seventeen teeny tidy teeny tidy teeny tiny dicks is how you seven teeny tiny teeny tiny teeny tidy dicks is how you seven teeny tiny teeny tidy teeny tiny dicks is how you.

Now them midgets got snow white on the stroll.

This has been a production of Smodco Internet Radio, sir, only at Smodcast.com.