#304: It's Porn Dog!

Hey, Walt here.

Just wanted to ask all the residents of Telm Steve Dave Town to just take a moment to listen to a message from somebody who plays a very vital role in Telm Steve Dave every week.

He rarely speaks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't play a huge, huge, prominent role in producing and making Telm Steve Dave what it is.

So, if you could just listen to this important message from Mr.

Jay Sarge, Thank you.

Hey, everybody.

Jay Sarge here.

I'm putting this song up to raise some money for my sister while she's out of work for a few months, receiving and recovering from some medical procedures.

Outside of my wife and kids, my sister is the most important person in my life, and she hasn't been well for a long time.

Through a job, she spent more than a decade working with troubled kids, and now that she's in need,

I need some help so I can help her keep the lights on and a roof over her head.

I'm not asking for much.

Just a dollar or two for this song has been rolling around in my head for the last few months.

I know 2016 has been a massive bag of dicks for many of us, and I hate to have to ask at all.

I've kind of been overwhelmed by the

generosity I've witnessed from the ants time and time again as shit has hit the fan this year.

I hope you enjoy the song, and thank you for all of the love and support.

You guys are the best.

Okay, so if you want to help out, Jay Sarge and pick up the track, go to Bandcamp, go on the search and type in remedial M Theory,

and you'll find the track.

Thank you.

Or the other way around.

I'm not exactly sure which.

Anyway, Eric Nagel Show, and we'll be talking shit.

I'll be talking shit about Walt, Ming, Mike, maybe even Q.

Well, this is where it gets bad.

It's gonna get worse.

What I said was

What's a Math Riot screen?

Tell him, Steve Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell him Steve Dave with Walt,

with me, Bri,

and with what appears to be

Nelly, the musician, or at least a guy trying to outdo Nelly with fucking 19 band-aids all over his body.

You look like you went swimming in a public pool.

Yeah,

I got a lot of band-aids.

Well, the first rule, Brian, is I can't tell you why I have all these band-aids.

You cannot.

The second rule is, I can't tell you why I have all these band-aids.

I'm sorry.

That's it, huh?

That's it.

The mystery of the band-aids.

Well,

it's not 19.

It's one, two,

three, four, five, six, seven, seven.

That's reasonable.

Why wouldn't you just wear long sleeves?

It's 93 degrees out.

That's true.

I have what is going on is I have poison ivy on my arms.

You were practically joking.

Someone's doing yard work, and

I got a case of the ivy.

How is a man of your stature doing his own yard work?

Well, the key word in that sentence, Walt, is man.

Well,

then you're talking to a full-blown biological woman because he does not do any of his own yard work.

And I cannot do any of my own yard work for the very reason

why you have a million band-aids.

You're not like King Tut and one big band-aid.

Yeah, yeah.

I have an extreme allergic reaction to Poison Ivy.

It's not good.

Yeah.

This is gross.

It's very gross, and it's more for you guys than for me.

Oh, because they're like opened.

Yeah, it's like that pussy yellow blisters.

You know, I'm not allergic to it.

Really?

I've never gotten poison ivy.

Can I tell you the worst part about having poison ivy?

No matter what, you touch your balls, no matter what.

No.

The worst part about having poison ivy is being forced to endure everybody's poison ivy stories.

Yeah.

It's fucking all I hear all day.

I've got none for you.

I appreciate that.

It's like

my life has become.

I'd rather start talking about a practical joker again.

I'm tired of hearing about everybody's poison.

Well, then fucking don't fucking band-aid yourself up all over the place.

People are going to ask you.

I got no choice.

Wear the long sleeves, like I said.

I'm going to ask.

Yeah, why don't you wear like a nice Caribbean outfit, like a billowy white shirt?

Perhaps you're right.

Wear that Burka bikini.

Yeah, wear the burkini, bro.

Stop freaking everybody out.

All right.

Yeah.

I have a, you say you don't want to talk about impractical jokers, but we need to address a few things.

Okay.

One, we just wrapped season six of Comic Book Men.

Hey.

Congratulations, guys.

Thanks for us.

Nice work.

Nice work.

Which means we're officially out of contract because we were contracted for six cycles.

Oh, shit.

So if you need any joking done, Walton, you're out of contract.

All right.

Practically

impractically or otherwise, I'm just saying.

Oh, man, which means if there's a season seven, you guys are getting a pay race.

Yeah, I think AMC is, they don't know what to do.

They're going to be quaking for the next 10 months.

Fucking

than being

on a popular TV show and your contract running out.

That's like the golden goose.

Yeah.

It looks like literally the only time you have them by the balls.

Oh, yeah.

That's it.

Even then, I don't know.

I think they'll be like, then fuck off there.

Yeah, well, that's the problem.

Yeah.

We over like

overplay our hand.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, congratulations, guys.

You know how hard it is to get fucking six seasons of a TV show?

Yeah, they were naming shows that have not gotten six seasons, shows that are like way more well-known and beloved than ours.

Oh, sure.

Pilligan's Island, Chips, a couple others.

Star Trek?

Star Trek, yeah.

Which means we're better than all of them.

Yes.

And it means The Bachelor is fucking 50 times better than all of them since they're up to like 90 seasons now or something.

They're cheap to produce.

Right.

But

that's huge, man.

That's an accomplishment.

None that will matter to you.

But it's still an accomplishment.

We did it, Walt.

We did it.

This must be like what it felt like when

the greatest generation came home from WW2, right?

Like, no sailors kissed me in the street still.

I think the sentiment was there.

The other thing is, I may be forced to,

and you know I love you.

Yeah.

I may be forced to disfigure you in some way.

What do you mean?

Box cutter to the face, something like that.

You're too handsome.

A Glasgow smile, the funeral.

I may need to curb stomp you.

Your good looks are causing problems.

Well, I mean, I'm getting older, so all you got to do is sit back and wait.

I'm not getting better looking.

I don't know, man.

Like, George Clooney, he was a good-looking guy when he was young.

He got better-looking as he got older.

Listen to me.

I appreciate the

build-up we've done of me on this show, but the reaction, the reality is I'm middle-aged, overweight, and perfectly okay-looking.

Can I read some of the excerpts from that letter that just arrived?

That would seem to

not

that sentiment is not the sentiment that I'm getting these letters that mail to the stash because this is not an email.

He's been getting letters, telegrams, teletypes, which

is a burden on you.

Like the

person who mails that to the stash, I respect, as opposed to the person who says mails it to my personal address, in which case they do, and I'm not kidding, go directly to the police.

I'm not kidding.

I drop them off like once a week and be like, This psycho looked up where I lived somehow.

So, I do appreciate anybody who sends it to this dash.

Did you not want your home address in our Twitter bio?

Didn't think it was necessary.

Okay, I'll take it off.

Thank you.

Someone writes in, cues incredibly sexiness

has made me, a middle-aged married woman

neglects her husband and children.

Right.

And her work performance is suffering because she cannot stop thinking of Q.

Yeah.

You know what?

I felt that way when I used to take Roxy.

I neglected everyone.

That's all I thought about all day.

Yeah.

You are her drug of choice, dude.

You're the opiate of

the female gender.

That's because she's never met me.

That would only be.

You're saying that if she were to meet and

have a face-to-face with the real cue and not the TV cue, she would not be so inclined to want to

measure herself to your vision?

Yeah, I'm almost positive of that.

And then, two,

you know, I don't believe her.

You don't believe her?

She wrote this handwritten, this letter goes on and on.

It seems like something does, someone does casually.

I'm just going to fuck this.

This is like two pages of seven.

I don't know where the other five pages are.

Well, I appreciate that.

I thank you, whoever wrote that.

I do appreciate that.

That's very sweet of her to say.

It is.

I mean, you know what?

I mean, not for her husband and kids so much.

Yeah.

And her employer is kind of like, you know, when am I going to get an honest

day's worth of work out of you?

But

now you're saying that you want to disfigure him.

I maintain that, like.

Oh, yeah.

Why are you disfiguring him?

That it's as long as

people like this person who wrote this letter writer

are buying the merch with your face on it.

Right.

I've got no problem with this.

I'd rather they buy T E S D merch than a practical joker's merch.

Okay, that's great.

This person said, you know,

they've got the t-shirt.

Thank you.

That I genuinely appreciate.

And

they rub their

through the shirt when you're watching you on your show.

That's kind of sexy.

Through a shirt, huh?

Through a shirt.

I like that.

Yeah.

That's great.

Not even under the shirt, over the bra.

That's how I would do it.

Well, she wants to see his face.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

I got you.

All right.

I don't know what to say to that.

But the reason I was going to cut you up is because

your attention to one particular 13%er

got her harassed when we played last week's game.

No.

What do you mean?

There's some

Jay, I don't remember the exact Jay Fizzle.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, we all know who she is.

I just can't remember if it's Jay Fizzle Fizzle or whatever.

But yeah, she was attacked by some IJ

crazed female fans because you showed her, you favored her.

Well, I mean, get ready for more because

I think.

Jay Fizzle.

Yeah,

I'm not backing down.

I'm doubling down and saying that she is

a good friend to me and I like her very much and I would request that you not harass her.

But my advice to her would be please just block them and don't even don't answer them.

Don't give them any attention.

Just block them.

Can I speak for you here?

Yeah.

Many IJ fans, I met them on the cruise.

And I'm not talking to the male IJ fans.

I'm talking, except you, Gaina69, I'm looking in your direction too.

Female IJ fans, many, many cool people.

Oh, absolutely.

Many down-to-earth people.

Yes.

Many normal people.

But then, of course, like any cross-section, you're going to get wackos.

Yeah.

And this goes out to those wackos.

Quinn is not going to fuck you.

No.

He's not going to befriend you.

He's not even going to follow you on Twitter.

That's definitely not going to happen.

So you need to get this out of your head, this fucking notion that you need to attack other people who Quinn.

How could a person think that would endear them to you that's wacky it's crazy it's wacky

he's like beaver i'm so not like beaver

uh but it should be noted that i appreciate the the the passion

i just you know maybe don't let it turn ugly yeah maybe direct it in a in a better way because not it's not even for not even for jay fizzle sizzle's uh sake uh it's more for your own like why do you want that in your life like get rid of the ugliness, man.

Enjoy life.

Is there anyone, you're a big Samantha Fox fan and have been?

Yes.

Now, when you knew other guys were like, ooh, Samantha Fox is hot.

Did it ever occur to you to attack them either physically or

maybe at the time by, you know, by letter, by post?

I'll tell you what.

I want to put this in perspective.

Do you know who Victoria Justice is?

Yes.

Okay.

Kids used to watch that show.

Or is it a real person, or are you talking about the TV show?

Her, the real person.

That's not her name in real life, I think.

That's her name, Victoria Justice.

That's her real name.

That's her right there.

Me and her.

Okay, she's a big IJ fan.

This week.

That's her real name?

Yeah, Victoria Justice.

She's born with it.

Wow, okay.

She came to the Imperator Joga's office with her mother and her sister.

And

what a nice kid.

She's a kid.

She's 20.

Well, she's not a kid, but she's 23.

What a, a, like, what a, a real sweet kid.

She made a little video for my niece.

She did some other, like, nice things for, like, our family and stuff like that.

Very nice, very nice, polite child.

I keep saying child.

I shouldn't say that.

She's not at all a child.

She got way more experience than me.

She posted a picture of us on Twitter.

She has almost 10 million Twitter followers.

And the replies to her were simply fucking insane.

Insane.

Going after her for taking a picture with her?

No.

Or going after her.

People, guys, obsessed with her, guys saying horrible, like, rude things to her.

Guys calling her my love, my sweet, like, like, just real creepy, weird stuff that I'm like,

how is she

comfortable walking around without a bodyguard, which she doesn't have?

But if you have 10 million followers, right, and they're all writing that shit, can she even see it?

Like, how fast it must go?

The feed?

Yeah, I guess, but it's like, like that's but nothing negative directed at you, huh?

No, not really.

Most people who had no idea who the fuck we were.

She has more Twitter followers than anybody who watches our show.

So, you know what I'm saying?

So, it's like there's no chance in hell of.

I mean, a few people are like, oh, that's cool and whatnot.

But, like, people, like, there's just the shit that they write to her is just nuts.

And

so I don't think I have it that bad.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

I got to say, like, it's, there's a lot of people out there who have worse.

There's been some dramatics lately.

I don't like the dramatics with these IJ versus 13 percenters, IJ versus.

How many know this, Bill?

Fucking people tell me.

I see it on Twitter once in a while.

I really haven't been.

I'll tell you what.

About this type of thing.

What?

Like the Jay Sizzle Vizzle.

That someone is saying bad things to her.

Somebody who's saying nasty things to her.

Why they tell you.

Yeah.

Why they tell you.

I don't know.

Maybe they think I'm going to go after them, the person.

I couldn't figure out who it was, though.

I would have.

I've done it before.

I did it to somebody who said something to Joe.

I'm not above it.

Oops.

Hey, sorry.

We have to take a quick ad break, but I promise I'll be right back to the scintillating conversation.

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You know, I'd love to be able to incorporate no-no-all kidding aside.

I want to bring in,

I think, one of my all-time greatest jokes, and my like what I'm really one of my best things I've ever come up with

is that when we drive past that one spot where we see all three guests, we see the three gas stations.

No one cares about that.

That is the best.

When we drive past and there's three gas stations

on a four-corner road, there's three gas stations.

It's not the best.

That is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.

How can I incorporate that into this?

In Neondies?

Yeah.

You don't.

Because, like, ever since you were little.

It started like a year ago.

No, it's been going on since you were like three.

You're like a liar.

Whenever we learn about that, friendlies,

which was a year.

No, I've been driving past those three gas stations on a four corner road.

You're such a liar.

I've been lying when you're like, put that on to make yourself look cool.

It's so cool that you went there since you were three, or since I was three.

You don't think we've driven past that spot since you were three?

Since I was 12, maybe.

Okay, since you were 12, I've been doing this joke.

That's a real big difference.

And explain it to explain it to somebody who doesn't know.

Yeah, explain what I'm talking about.

This is a stop on a little tiny road off the

highway.

It's a four-way stop, right?

Yes.

And on three of the four corners at that four-way stop are three gas stations.

Yeah.

That are so close, if you spit from one gas station, you could hit the other gas station, correct?

Yeah.

Now don't lie.

Like, you could, right?

No.

What do you mean, no?

They're not close.

No, they're not.

It's It's all.

Let's say if you picked up a pebble and threw it, I could hit the other gas station easily, right?

Yes.

Okay, they're that close.

Yeah.

And every time we drive past it, what happens?

There's an amazing joke waiting.

That's right.

An amazing.

You make it, but don't don't discount it as it's not good.

Those jokes are good.

They're not.

What are you talking about?

They're always like, what has three corners?

The gas station.

That is not one of the jokes.

That's basically.

You're lying.

I'm not saying that.

I'm saying that's basically what is the equivalent to what it is.

What are you talking about?

Those jokes are awesome.

So you're just trying, now you're trying to make yourself sound.

I'm not because they're

great jokes.

I don't want to listen to that.

And they're different every time.

I change them up every single time we drive by.

That's fine.

Man, all you have to do is just think about these gas station jokes.

No, it's not just gas station jokes.

They're three gas station jokes.

That the joke is that there's three gas stations on a four-corner stop.

It's literally just like, what would make this corner better?

Another gas station.

Isn't that funny?

I thought that was great.

You know what this town needs?

A fourth gas station.

That's literally what is ever going on, though.

It's not the same joke.

I always change them.

But

a variation of that.

Do you want to know the truth?

What?

I will go out of my way to drive past that spot just to make that joke.

I could easily go a different route, but I want to go past the four-corner stop just so we could see the three gas stations.

Real sight.

Real move.

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All right, let's get back to some Tell'em Steve Dave.

But also, for anyone who thinks BQ is

has no faults,

is

perfect.

Yeah, some would say perfect.

I don't think any Tell Em Steve Dave listeners think that.

That's good.

But the people who do are going to be disabused of that after I read this

letter.

Another letter came in.

Well, yeah, more of a post, I guess you would say.

Okay.

And it would appear that you

went to eat somewhere, Q.

I do do that.

I go places to eat.

And it was a waitress who couldn't believe you were sitting in her booth.

She's the one who made this post?

Yes.

And she loves Tellum Steve Dave.

Okay.

Has all the merch and everything.

But she was shy.

What's her name?

She doesn't.

Oh, she doesn't want to say because of where she works.

Okay.

Fair enough.

But,

Walt, I'm not sure how you want to handle this.

Because this is not an IJ fan.

This is a Tellum Steve Dave fan, right?

Okay.

And we can't afford to.

Well, tell me the story, yo.

Okay.

Can't afford to lose a listener.

Well, especially one who buys stuff.

Right.

If we can afford to lose a termites.

we can afford to lose the ones that only want to listen for free those termites we can we can yeah we can we can lose cheese has been eaten

they're fat and bloated and they're going to leave them behind

best by cheese these fucks

but the ones who are buying stuff come on man we we can't lose we can't lose one not one of those

this is a disturbing story waltz i'm going to tell you right out of the gate

okay you've got girls i've got a girl girl.

This could be one of our girls that Q is treating like this someday if they ever become waitresses.

Oh, shadowy.

Oh, really?

This is.

I mean.

So she's excited that you're in her booth.

Well, do I wait for the whole letter to be read before I...

No, it's kind of long, so we can comment as we go along.

Okay.

So she's excited.

Okay.

But, and she didn't tell you that she was a fan.

You also seem slightly intoxicated.

Okay.

So far it seems true.

Well, yeah, I mean,

it would be not unusual or uncommon for you to be out.

I mean, slightly intoxicated?

Possible.

Yeah.

More likely?

Wasted?

More likely.

She didn't tell me she's a fan.

I'm telling you right now, that's a mistake because if you don't tell me you're a fan, then I'll probably just tip you standard 20%.

If you do tell me you're a fan, I'll probably bump that up to like a good one.

Yeah, she didn't tell you she was a fan.

Well, she just

of what?

Of any of his vehicles?

I mean, this is just very general, right?

So far.

You were also with a friend.

Male or female?

It doesn't say.

Okay.

So I can't.

He wouldn't even look at me when I asked him what he wanted to eat.

He just stared at his menu, and for a second, I thought I was on IJ or something.

Because I was looking at a menu?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Well, that seems, you know, sketchy in a restaurant.

All right, so is it common for you when

you're you're at a restaurant, the waiter comes over, the waitress comes over, and they're like, Good evening.

Do you not look up from the menu?

Just could you continue to keep your eyes glued to the menu, or do you address the person?

Are you not wanting to address them because you don't want to get noticed?

I mean, I don't think I have a standard

in this instance.

Maybe at the time I was just in the middle of reading the menu.

I believe in his mind, he's like, How do I tell her I want all of it without appearing like a glutton?

Well, okay, first off, would it be rude not to look up from the menu?

I think it just depends on the situation.

If it's busy, I feel like maybe this person would appreciate me concentrating on what I want to order so she can get it in

and get on with the job.

Okay.

Because I don't know.

I don't think I look up from the menu.

Okay.

I probably normally would.

Or maybe you're still scanning and like, okay, I'm going to find it in a second.

Right.

And then you'll tell her.

But the thing is, I don't go to any restaurants where I need to look in a menu.

Right, right.

The restaurant you go to, it's up on a board up behind the register.

I've spent to them so many times, I know exactly what I want in the restaurant.

I don't even need a menu.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Mr.

Flatigan, your grilled chicken will be ready within moments.

Okay.

So his friend, your friend looked at her, smiled, and said, We'll be ready in a second, hon.

Some sexist shit right there.

If that was a dude, that was sexist.

Right.

Okay.

And you didn't correct your friend.

Silence is consent.

So I smile back, and after five minutes, he still won't answer me.

That's a long time.

Five minutes is a really long time to stand there waiting.

Well, I'm going to assume she came back to the table, right?

Like, she didn't stand there the whole time.

I don't know.

She doesn't say.

After five minutes,

you still won't answer.

And I'm told, another five minutes.

When I got back, okay, so yeah, she walked away.

Okay.

his friend said, he'll have a burger, and Q just sits there clicking away on his phone.

I said, sir, what would you like tonight?

And he said,

I'll order in a fucking minute, lady.

Oh, that's right.

Is that really what it said?

Yeah, that's what it says.

I'll be reading the part of Q just so you can get the full.

Now I've now started to remember this.

Okay.

So

this is coming.

This is jogging?

Well, it's like, how many times.

He was lightly hammered.

Like, am I going to be

like, am I a guest at this restaurant or am I an employee that needs to get my order in on their timetable?

Now I'm starting to remember this.

I'm starting to remember this.

I was so taken aback, all I could do was stammer and stutter and stand there while he finished whatever he was doing.

She did have a stupid look on her face.

I remember that, actually.

She looked dumb.

Yeah.

Now I'm understanding why, because she was a fan, but really, yeah, all right, I remember this.

Okay.

So I go back to see if they needed.

Oh, wait.

He told me to have a burger and make sure it wasn't too rare.

Right.

So I guess you didn't want to commit to medium.

Well, the problem is, I don't want to say what this place is, but like I'll go, I go there, and every time I say,

I usually get my order medium, medium, well,

they always give it to me raw.

So I was already dealing with some frustration with this place already.

So that was sarcasm on your part.

Yeah.

And she was supposed to pick up on that?

No, it said don't.

What did she say?

She didn't say anything to that.

She went back to see if you needed your drinks refilled, and all Q said to me was, like, look like I'm finished.

At this point, I feel like crying.

I'm so non-confrontational, and he's basically my hero and being a dick for no reason.

I get his friend more soda as I'm leaving.

Yeah, you can defend that because the next stuff is

pretty incendiary.

Yeah, I already know where all this is going, but

let me ask ask something.

If you have a see-through cup

and it's filled, basically three-quarters filled,

are you going to interrupt my conversation to fucking ask me if I'm done with the drink or I need another drink?

Am I a server with a dopey look on my face?

You are not, so what would you do?

I would say, well, he's got 75% of his drink left.

He's probably good for a little bit.

Right.

I can move on to maybe someone who isn't as well-known,

not as celebrated,

somebody who's empty.

Or how about somebody that just needs a fucking drink?

Right.

Not a guy that clearly has like a full drink.

I don't understand.

Like, she's trying to make me.

It's like her coming up at me, like, sir, would you like a shirt?

Right.

You already got one.

Exactly.

Okay.

Okay.

But I don't know if it's worth hustling to cry about.

No, she cried.

Oh, wait, she felt like crying.

Okay.

She's non-confrontational, and you're basically her hero?

No, non-confrontational, but she wasn't.

It was a stupid question.

I had a few drinks in me, and I was in the middle of texting when she asked me, by the way, but yeah.

This is where I feel like maybe Q crosses a line, Walt.

She gets his friend more soda, and as she's leaving, Q grabs her wrist.

At this point, a thought crossed my mind again that IJ was filming, and everyone on staff was going to laugh at me.

So what are you doing, Lada?

Can I explain the wrist grab?

Okay.

It wasn't really, it was more the sleeve of her shirt than the wrist, and I had tried to get her attention a couple of times.

Because you needed your drink refilled.

You're like, I'm down to 60%.

It wasn't a wrist.

I didn't like grapes onto her wrist.

I just kind of just, you know, nipped at a shirt.

Do you do that?

Is that a common thing that you're doing?

Do you simply put your hands on the staff?

I didn't put it on it.

I put it on a shirt.

I put it on a shirt.

It's not felonious assault.

It's not.

Anyway.

I have never had to put

my hands on the staff at any place I've ever eaten.

No.

I don't think I have.

Yeah.

I can't imagine it.

No.

Well, this sort of contradicts your

story, Q.

Okay.

So he said, so what are you doing later?

She says, I don't have plans.

He says, we were going out.

Right.

Yeah.

She says, I don't have plans.

Quinn says, you do now.

And he winks at her.

Well, that's the gregarious cue.

That's what people expect, right?

Right.

That's the cue I would think, like party cue.

You're done with all your texting, and now you're willing to throw her some attention.

I was trying to invite her, I was gonna, I was inviting her out.

There was this, uh, my friend's band was playing, and I was like, Do you plans later?

No, well, you do now,

right?

But she laughed incredibly nervous, thinking again she's being recorded.

I mean,

she laughed, it didn't seem nervous to me, it seemed like she enjoyed the she said, No, thank you, because parentheses, she has a boyfriend, and you grabbed her wrist again, but this time harder.

I wasn't asking,

okay,

wow.

Now,

she says wrist twice, so I'm wondering.

She would say cuff if she meant cuff, right?

Well,

maybe the second time.

Yeah, maybe the second time I got a little bit of the wrist, but the intention was, the tone was still very light and airy and fun.

You know, from

Airy and fun?

Yeah, like fun and flirty.

It's already

airy.

Or like Arian and fun.

Airy and, you know, fun and flirty.

Okay.

The friend stepped in.

Okay.

Okay.

The friend stepped in, explained Q had a rough day.

He didn't mean anything by it.

But 15 minutes later, Q is staring me daggers.

He lifts up his glass, shaking it.

Well, that's because...

Oh, right.

So she points out I need another drink.

Yeah.

Right.

The universal signal that assholes do for a refill.

Now,

this is not uncommon that

serviteurs

dislike when people do this.

I remember when Mosier did it, who is one of the nicest and most polite guys on earth, did it too.

I remember Rita from the

Broadway Grill.

Like, he just held it up, like, hey, you know, I need a refill.

As opposed to her going all the way over and him being like, hey, I need a refill.

So offended by it.

Really?

Yeah, but I guess waiters and waitresses don't like that.

Can I explain myself?

Sure.

This fucking person.

She wasn't within grabbing distance.

This person?

No, I mean, come on.

I didn't really, I think she's exaggerating that, but I was a little drunk, so I don't remember.

But she's coming over when I have 75% of a fucking drink and asking me, but suddenly I'm down to cubes for five minutes.

Right.

And I can't get her attention.

And suddenly, my drink is nowhere to be in sight.

So it's like, the fuck am I?

What am I supposed to do?

Get up?

If it was home, I would just go up and get my own drink.

You know?

Right.

I'm not.

They're not going to let me do that.

And she's not coming back to the table.

So what am I going to do?

I should have told the managers what I should have done.

Yeah, you should have gotten her fired.

She walked over, took your cup, and as she walks towards her machine in the back, he tells me to walk slower.

You look good walking away.

What What I said was,

I'd like to see you coming,

but I'd like to see you going even better.

That's your line.

Is that the one that gets them?

Yeah, sometimes.

It's like,

is that really works?

Yeah, like, hey, it's always nice to see you coming, but you know what?

It is better to see you going.

That's worked before.

It's got giggles.

It's got the one has gotten results.

Yeah, I don't think I've said anything as crass as the word ass or anything like that.

I mean, if being

indicted on Reddit.com is working, then yeah, it's working.

I think so far

she's basically sticking to the truth, but she's being a little sensitive, I think.

When she returned, you and your friend are getting ready to leave, and he says, You can drink that, baby.

It's on me.

You can drink that, baby.

It's on me.

Well, giving me the cheesiest fucking grin.

All right, now she doesn't like you anymore.

They pay for their shit.

Q pulls a 20 from his wallet, making a dunking motion towards my cleavage.

I walk away, and he mumbles, entitled bitch.

Then he took his tip off the table and put it back in his pocket.

So she would have let you put the tip in her cleavage.

Yeah.

Called her entitled.

I think there's a miscommunication here.

And then you rescinded your original offer.

I did take the tip away.

I did.

I did.

I did take the tip away because of, it was more because of the drink thing than anything else.

But look, her tits were out.

I was looking at them.

I wasn't trying to get a 20 in them, but I was looking at them.

But I thought just thought that was part of

you.

Thought that she,

this is acceptable behavior.

Look, if you're going to show your cleavage in any given

time trying to put 20 bucks in her tits, I'm telling you that right now.

Okay.

That I deny.

It was a 10.

Well, this is where it gets bad.

It's going to get worse.

Well, she went to the kitchen, she cried, she couldn't believe it.

Get over yourself.

So far, nothing happened that you should be fucking crying about.

Get real.

That's

we live in such a fucking pussy-sensitive world.

The diner is almost empty.

That's why she films, assumed filming was going on.

Right.

Then she apologizes for the quick rush nature of it.

of this this write-up okay uh because she but she had to go online and fucking wrap me out the reddit she had just found this Reddit after googling Tell him Steve Dave Boards.

Okay.

And this is where, Walt, you and I, we have a hard decision to make.

I can't listen to the show anymore if Q is on.

What do we do here?

This is why.

303 episodes with this guy, more,

including Bandcamp.

I've been grooming Giddam just for this, just for this incident.

If this was to pop up, we could get him off and just slide Giddam right into that chair.

That chair has an ejector seat on it, Quinn did it.

So next week.

What do you do?

Your tips are right.

I'm not supposed to look at them.

Like, I don't understand what the deal is here.

I mean, if this were the case, and you know what?

I'm going to fucking admit to something that I didn't want to.

I did say she was an entitled bitch.

You know why?

Because she's a fucking entitled bitch.

Like, right away, she's getting on here complaining to people and trying to fucking blow up my spot.

Who gives her the right to do that?

Yeah, I mean, I'm not seeing anything too severe here.

I mean,

the wrist grab seems to be.

Shirt grab.

Yeah,

it's debatable.

It's he said, she said.

Where was this posted?

I'm admitting it on Reddit.

What

let's see.

Yeah, where was this?

It just says Met.

I'm not very familiar with Reddit.

Met BQ the other day, and I am so disappointed.

How many comments did it get?

24 comments.

24?

Yeah.

I can't believe TMZ didn't pick this up in a week.

Yeah, and it was posted a week ago.

Oh, wait.

Self.tesdcares.

Okay, so I guess it's on the TESD Cares

Reddit link?

Yeah.

I guess.

Oh, really?

I suppose.

Yeah, I'm not really exactly sure how Reddit works.

So she's trying to ruin Tell him Steve Dave by ratting me out because I got a little drunk once.

Well, I mean, I can't imagine that True would be happy with that behavior, though, would they?

Well, I mean, if they never find out about it, then

they can't be unhappy with it.

What is she trying to do?

What is she trying to do right there?

She's trying to shame you.

But to what end?

To get me in trouble with you guys?

To get me in trouble with the show?

Like, why is she.

This is why she didn't get that fucking $20.

Like, why?

I mean,

my feeling is that she doesn't want anything out of it.

She had a certain

idea.

She had formulated a certain

personality that you had on my life.

I feel by

watching remember Charles Barkley?

Yeah, of course.

He said it best, I'm not a role model.

You know, I am not who you think, you know, I'm not

just because I play,

well,

he's an athlete, but like actors who play like likable characters.

Right.

Maybe they're not, you know, they don't.

Ice Cube said the same thing.

Eminem said the same thing.

Certain people are not role models.

They're not, you know, I'm a role model.

I'm entitled to get drunk and go to a diner.

Maybe I got a little cheeky with a waitress, but you know,

I don't think she should have went and cried.

I certainly don't think she should be on the fucking internet like Two Life Crew

as abusive as you want to be.

That's not me, bro.

Two Life Crews being the Two Life Crew.

Big reaction to that.

People love that show, man.

I mean, they loved it.

They loved that game.

Yeah, game was.

I got to bring that game back.

I don't know how, but maybe someday.

People on Twitter were giving me other rap groups to use.

That are just as nasty.

And I didn't recognize most of them.

You don't know know any of them.

Yeah, so I think there's plenty of fertile ground to go.

I can't believe that that's still a genre, like explicit rap,

like

what's it called when it's so nasty?

What's that word called?

Hardcore?

Yeah, hardcore rap.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is.

So I, I mean,

what's the end game with this?

What's the end game?

I don't know.

You brought it up.

Oh, um,

the uh calling out Q for this?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Just to

let people know that the people that are with them.

The people that are ignoring their husbands with their husband and kids,

maybe they meet up with Q in a diner and some shit fucking turns around.

I'm going to fix this whole thing right now.

I would like to sincerely and from the bottom of my heart issue an apology to this waitress for my behavior while I was intoxicated.

I am seeking treatment and help

to help me deal with the underlying issues that caused me to behave that way.

You know what?

Next time I see you, you'll get your fucking $20.

Right between the tits.

Right between the fucking

tits.

There you go.

There you go.

Do we want to tell him it's not true now?

I'm really, I'm really, I don't know what the fuck is because i'm like does he really want to go on record

as being this

awful

i'm just really gonna hurt fucking the bottom line here i just like the idea of somebody getting offending and shutting it off before the reveal that it's not none of it's fucking true

kidnam sent me a link to this thing the other day and he goes do you want me to take it down and i was like no fucking way i was like you leave that up

kiddum was going to was going to scrub the internet for me i think he was going to scrub the internet for me but i was like he's going to get some of that fucking Clinton fucking peroxide.

He should fucking scrub his own house before he scrubs the internet.

I mean, it was so.

I mean, nobody believed that.

I read the comments.

Like, nobody was, everybody was like, this is fucking absurd.

Like,

this dope.

Did you talk to Ginnam or did you only go through text?

I just went through texts.

Because he was

alarmed by it.

Really?

He thought it was a career ender.

He didn't have fucking belief in me that I don't act like that.

No, he was like, he got on the phone and he goes, he called me, didn't even text me.

And he's like, I want to get rid of this.

And I was just like, what?

I don't even know what you're talking about.

And he goes, but then he goes, oh, IQ got back to me.

He goes, no, I'm just reading my mom's diary from when I was born.

He goes, this could ruin him.

And I'm like, then I guess while he was talking to me, he got a text from you saying how you wanted to leave it up there or something.

And I was like, I was just like, well, it's so absurd.

I said, it's so absurd.

Like, obviously, it's made up.

All right.

Another quick ad break.

Promise you, we'll be right back to this engrossing conversation.

Did you hear about it?

I don't know really the story, but somebody on Dance with the Stars was attacked.

No, I didn't hear about it.

You didn't hear about this?

No.

You don't watch Dance with the Stars?

No.

You mean they attacked him?

That's all I heard.

I heard that he was attacked and somebody bum rushed him.

Physically?

Yeah, like somebody bum-rushed him.

And like, but I guess because he doesn't doesn't dance good, I guess.

What?

Right?

I mean, why else would you attack somebody?

I don't know.

Seems here that

he was nearly attacked during Monday's live premiere.

His name is Ryan Locht.

Two men wearing anti-Locht t-shirt rushed the stage after the Olympic gold medal swimmer's performance.

Maybe he was the guy who...

Is he one of the Olympic athletes that got in trouble?

They wouldn't let him on dancing with those stars.

Didn't they, like, take away all the people that did stuff bad?

Like they're not allowed to do like

still they're just dancing though.

Yeah.

It's not a big deal.

No.

Alright FanDuel.

So go to FanDuel.

No yeah I would

dance with the stars.

Oh yeah, go to fan so much go to fan duel.com slash T E S D.

But yeah, there's no drama and there's nobody well I was going to say there's nobody protesting at the end of Lungies, but actually, there are a lot of people protesting.

Yeah, I know.

Everybody's protesting everything lately.

Yeah, because everybody's dumb.

Why?

Why are they dumb?

Everybody's sensitive.

Everybody gets triggered by everything.

No, some people have

legitimate concerns and they have reasons and they want to make their points.

They want to make a point.

No one cares.

Of course, they care.

I care.

I don't.

I care.

I don't.

I want to hear everyone's point of view.

That's what I'm all about.

Not when it's crazy and irrational.

No.

Because that's just being petty.

How's that being petty?

Because going to his thing and then wearing a shirt against him.

That's just dumb.

Like, don't even go in the first place.

Go to fan duel.com, click the join up button, and use my promo code TESD.

Okay.

What's another topic that's good?

If you're not going to use these, then don't bother doing it.

I'm using it.

Why?

Why would you use that?

What do you mean?

It makes no sense.

There's nothing to do with sports in that.

Yes, it was.

He's in Olympics.

But he's not in football.

True.

Yeah.

You know, you're right.

Maybe I should tell them that week two is just days away.

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Void where prohibited

I mean join up what do you got to lose all right right back into where we left off the only one time I was ever fucking kind of nasty to a fan was these guys when you fly into it into when we fly in town to do these live shows there are these people who have an inside

contact at the airlines and they when they know we have a show in town they'll through that contact find out when our flight lands and then wait at the exit, like where you walk out of the signal.

Yeah, to get us assigned stuff.

And I

hate that.

To me, that's an invasion of my privacy.

That happens to lesser-thens as well, just so you know.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's happened to me.

Wait, I'm not sure I understand.

Can you imagine wasting your contact?

Do you consider your time walking to the terminal your time?

No, I consider the fact that they're like,

first of all, yeah, it is.

But two, like, I have a problem with someone at the airline giving my private information.

Oh, your schedule out.

Yeah.

Like, that that's unprofessional and they shouldn't be doing it.

And that guy shouldn't be having them do it.

So I don't sign at airports.

And normally.

So anybody who may just see you at an airport, you can.

No, that's fine.

Anybody who sees me, that's fine.

But these are people who are there with four or five professionally printed out photos waiting by the exit gate.

just looking for you to come out.

And I won't sign it.

They're always very polite, too.

They're like, Mr.

Johnson, Mr.

Johnson.

Like, nobody calls me Mr.

Johnson.

Yeah.

Like when I'm in court, maybe.

I just won't do it.

Did it happen to you for real?

Oh, I'm not going to ran.

It's happened like four or five times.

Really?

People

are making trips to the airport to get you.

Yeah.

And you turned them down?

You didn't sign it?

Oh, no, I signed it.

Oh, good.

That's good.

I won't do it.

No, you won't do it.

Actually, I have done it sometimes, if I'll be honest with you.

But this one time I had gotten off and my buds were in.

I was listening to music.

And I saw him out of the corner of my eye, but my buds were in.

I was listening to music, so I didn't even acknowledge.

And the guy was like, just

kept pacing me, holding it in front of my face.

And I said, not now, man, not now.

And then he grabbed me.

He grabbed my wrist.

He grabbed me.

And I go, get the fuck.

I said, fuck you.

Get the fuck away from me.

And that was the only time

I've ever.

You got to wonder,

is that a fan or is that just somebody who, like, they're going to turn around and try to sell my money?

They're not going to make any money.

They've wasted their time.

You can literally get my autograph by writing the Impractical Joker's Office.

You can get it on eBay for $3.

It's not fucking worth the paper it's printed on.

It's just not.

It's just not.

But that's their prerogative to waste their time.

But like,

I'm not obligated to sign that if I'm not in the mood or don't want to.

And I just don't like that invasion of privacy.

And that's the only time I've ever been mean to someone.

That's it.

Do you want to get famous enough that you can smash your camera?

No, No, I want to get so not famous that I don't even have to worry about this shit anymore, is what I would like.

Would you smash your camera?

Well, well, you got to come on comic book, man.

Well, you're on the front lines, bro.

Everybody knows where to find you.

Nobody cares.

I mean, there's been like this whole week, man, and people I mean, people have come in and don't even know.

So

it's a nice yeah, it's I would think that's the best way to have it.

Like, that's the ideal way.

Not cash-wise, obviously, but if you're going to be on a show and people still don't know who you are, I think that's the way to be.

That's probably pretty good, right?

If I had to choose, that's definitely the way I'd want it to be.

And it's not because of the majority of people who are respectful and nice.

That's not it.

It's the guy at the airport or the fucking lunatics who, when you're eating dinner, just come up.

Or, you know what I mean?

We were eating dinner in the bistro a couple weeks ago after we did the show, and a lady came up, and she's like,

I can't believe it.

You're here.

Not to me, of course, but to Quinn.

I can't believe you're not washing dishes.

She's like, you know, like, I'm looking around and like, nobody's coming up to you.

And Quinn is very nice.

He's very polite and cordial because the first thing that came to my mind was, like, well, because they're polite.

That's why they're not coming up.

But she just stood there.

And was like, well, cool to meet you, which it felt like five minutes.

It was, she was was there secretly.

And then she just sort of walked away.

But I guess, like, I don't know what people expect in that moment.

You know?

Well, I said thank you very much, and I appreciate that.

It's very nice of you to say.

I don't want to make them feel like that.

You're never rude, never.

I'm never rude, but those are the people I don't like secretly.

But if I'm in, you know, not anymore.

Secrets out.

Well, right.

I mean, in that moment, secretly.

I don't make them feel like I don't like them.

But most people are very nice.

The best people ever are like, love the show.

And then that's it.

Like, that's that's the fucking, that's my hero in life.

That guy who knows not to fucking bother me, who has the good sense to just, you know, say it and go.

There are people, and I feel like they could have, and it would have been fine.

But like, when we shoot the show, sometimes like they hold people, and all of a sudden there's a huge wave of people come in, and ants will come in.

They'll do like the antennas, but they don't come over and say hello.

And those are the people that I am like, you could come over and say ants.

Hello, yeah, of course.

You know what?

It'll all be over in a few years anyway.

So I'll just keep my head down and do my thing.

But I definitely did not assault this waitress.

Definitely did not fucking put fucking a $20 bill in a tits.

I got to say, I've, over the past, you know, 20 years,

I've been with you at some of your most inebriated moments to the point where I'm like, should I get him to a hospital?

Like, I'm not even kidding around.

Yet still.

I've never seen him behave in that way.

I've never seen you grab anyone or

cleavage.

Oh, no.

No, I've seen you almost start fights with guys that I'm like, I definitely got to bring him to the hospital.

Yeah, no, I'm just not that.

That's not in me.

All right.

Enough about Keo and his

great fucking story for you.

Because you like dogs.

You a dog person, Keo?

I do love dogs.

I just can't have one because of my lifestyle.

But yeah, I love them.

I love dogs.

I feel like equal to cats.

It's not like I like cats more than dogs.

Really?

Yeah.

I like dogs.

I like,

like, my

window overlooks the dog park, and I see people playing with their dogs.

That's enough for me.

I like to watch people run their dogs and play with them and stuff.

There's these kids that come out and they'll throw the ball to them for a half hour and they go nuts.

Walt, you love your dogs.

You play with them all the time.

I'm more of a cat person.

And I think it it comes down to the selfishness of my time.

I don't like taking care of

other living beings.

And a cat is like,

fuck you.

I don't need you.

Put some food down and fuck off.

Whereas a dog is like, no, I want to go outside.

And like, I've known people, they have big dogs in these little apartments.

And, you know, I'd hear them when I lived in Highland screaming, like, lay down.

It's like, the dog is like fucking 90 pounds in this little apartment.

Like, it wants to go out and go for a walk, you know?

And

we would have walked it, but it was like one of those mean-looking.

I don't want to say pit bull because then everybody will freak out, but it looked like, you know,

like he would, he would, yeah, look like a pit bull.

Oh, you can't file pit bulls now?

No, pit bull owners get real touchy because, like, my pit bull is so lovable, she would never hurt a fly.

And, you know, there are people that say that, and next thing you know, they fucking rip a toddler's face off or something.

Yeah, that lady who had a monkey said the same thing.

Yeah.

So unless you're fucking dosing your pit bull with Xenix and shit in this tape.

I want to hear it.

I think it's true that pit bulls are a very nice, well-behaved breed.

They're maligned, but if you look at dog attacks, like I looked up dog attack statistics one day, it's mostly pit bulls.

It really is, yeah.

And I know somewhere out there, someone's like penning a fucking email as they hear this.

Like, fuck you, dickhead.

You know what you're talking about, but look up dog attack statistics.

It's pretty fucking good.

You You know what?

But in all fairness, though, if a chihuahua attacks somebody.

You might not even notice.

You just kick the foot, you kick them off of your foot, and it doesn't get reported.

Right, right.

So the chihuahuas may be attacking more than pit bulls, but just the pit bull when it attacks,

it just leaves a mangled mess in a police report.

Well, pit bulls have that thing, too, where they don't unclamp once they clench, right?

Like that's their problem.

Well, they said that they don't have

a mis

that's a uh a misconception that they have a jaw that will lock they it's really hard to get them to let go

but um okay so here you go

uh

2014 dog bite fatality statistics

42 u.s dog bite related fatalities occurred in 2014

Pit bulls contributed to 64% of these deaths,

even though they make up only 6% of the total U.S.

population.

Together, pit bulls and rottweilers, the second most lethal breed, accounted for 74% of the total recorded deaths in 2014.

So, yeah, you're right, man, a Chihuahua, or those little dogs, man, they're fucking, they're nippy.

They will nip the shit out of you.

Yeah, and even if they're your own dog, you should tell me, like, you know, you'd sleep and you like, Walt would move an inch, and Brody'd be like,

you know, like, just wanted you to be like,

like you're a mannequin, like, don't fucking disrupt my sleep.

Mastiff-type guard dogs, war dogs,

dogs that get baited.

Yeah, man.

That's a cool name.

War Dog.

Yeah.

Wasn't it?

There was a movie, right?

Nicholas Cage, wasn't he?

And War Dogs?

Something like that.

Yeah, so I don't know if they're maligned as much as they are.

Like, it's true.

Well,

you know, I'm sure there's a lot of social and economic reasons why

those dog, why that breed of dog makes up the majority of dog bites.

I don't think that we can point to it as definitive that they're a problem.

I think you've got to look into the reasons why they are the ones doing the attacks.

Is that a roundabout way of saying because most black people own them?

No, not at all.

Okay, I'm just, you know,

I've read some stuff about you on Reddit recently.

I don't know if you're not going to be able to do that.

Nothing even into my head.

Generalizations.

No, no, not at all.

I'm saying you can't just.

I don't know, but I'm just saying.

Oh, the good story.

Yeah, let me tell you the good story.

Okay, there's a good story.

You're going to like this.

Okay, last ad break, I promise.

All right, Alicia, I wanted to talk to you about this.

I've been wanting to bring this up for a while now.

I think it's time

we could talk about this.

Children's books that have been banned in America that I think are in your library, in your room.

Really?

I have to take them away.

Oh, wow.

The giving tree.

Yeah.

You read that?

Didn't you read that?

Yes.

You know the story?

Yes.

Okay.

It criminalized the foresting agency.

Whoa.

I don't know what that means.

Charlotte's Webb?

Really?

You've heard of it?

It's very popular.

The

book has been banned because animals are considered talking animals are considered an insult to God.

We read Charlotte Rubb in class like three years ago.

Yeah, but

that was three years ago.

Since then, it's been banned now.

I think you have facts.

What are you talking about?

I'm looking at it right here.

I'm not saying it should be or shouldn't be banned, because I'm not sure.

I don't know.

That may not be a road I I'm ready to go down yet.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll let you keep Charlotte's Web.

All right.

What about where the wild things are?

That's not banned.

Yes.

Um it is due to the fact that it promotes witchcraft and supernatural events.

Yeah.

What?

It's true?

I have looked it up.

Um it's banned in Kansas in two thousand seven.

But it's been banned so it's banned in Kansas.

It could be banned here, too.

It's not.

Sooner or later, it will.

It could be.

It could be.

What about Brown Bear and Brown Bear?

What do you see?

Yeah, this is not right.

What?

There's no way that that's an accurate list.

Why?

What's that?

BuzzFeed.

BuzzFeed is always the most reliable source.

Do you agree, though, that Brown Bear and Brown Bear should not be for children?

Brown Bear and Brown Bear.

We read that in school now.

We read read that last year.

What?

Yeah.

Why would you be reading it?

For an example text.

As old as you are, you're still.

I'm still learning in school.

What?

This is what you're paying for.

This is what your taxes go to.

What?

At your age, you're still reading Brown Bear

in class?

Yeah.

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All right.

And now, the conclusion to this week's episode of Tell Him Steve Dave.

Walt, do you wish that you owned a porn dog or a smut mutt?

A porn dog?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, no.

This is like one of them South of the Border stories with like a mule and shit.

Nope, north of the border, son.

This is a dog.

His name is Earl.

And

he was very hyper, and they couldn't,

families couldn't, you know, would take him, they couldn't train him, couldn't deal with him, so they bring him to the pound.

But

Earl, which you would think is spelled E-R-A-L, is really U-R-L

because what he does is he sniffs out electronic storage media.

So he goes into a house, right?

He's trained to hunt unique chemical compounds that are used in the production of flash drives, memory cards, cell phones, iPads.

And the reason that they use them for that

is

so they can bring him in houses and find hidden

caches and hidden compartments of porn, child porn.

That is fucking awesome.

A high-profile case.

was your boy Jared Fogel from Subway.

They brought a dog in to expose his stash?

They brought in a canine named Bear, who was trained by the same man who trained Earl, led investigators to hidden thumb drives inside Fogel's home.

Oh, that's great.

He also worked in a case against former USA gymnastics coach Marvin Sharp, accused of child molestation.

Sharp committed suicide while in jail.

Bear led investigators to a gun safe that was hiding several SD cards.

And you know how airtight those safes are.

It goes to show how sensitive

their nose really is.

He found a USB that was in a jar that was closed, and the jar was in a box, and they put stuff around the box.

Found it.

So, porn dog, Walt.

Fighting child porn crimes, child trafficking, and all this other shit.

Obviously, a play on the word porn dog, right?

I guess or somebody was just like, let's just call him porn dog.

I don't know.

It doesn't give the

genesis of the name, but I'd say that's a pretty good guess.

These canines go through four to five months of training working three hours a day.

The only time a dog eats is when he works.

What?

So I guess it's positive reinforcement.

Like every time they find a fucking SD card, they'll like give him a treat, you know, like or something.

It says it takes a dog with incredible energy and drive.

So it's like one of those dogs that you're like, holy shit, I can't handle this fucking dog.

Like, he won't stop.

He wants to go out every two seconds.

He's fucking running around.

He's tearing up shit in the house.

He's just bored.

Yeah.

He's like, because he's fucking,

you got your war dogs that are meant to sit there and guard the palace, and then you got your fucking porn dogs.

Well, yeah.

He was deemed untrainable.

Walt.

The best kind of dogs have much energy and no fear.

You may got a new dog.

Porn dog?

You think it's one?

Do you think he's got potential to be

one of these corn dogs?

I don't know.

I mean, there's one guy who trains them.

I mean, I don't think Ming would want it trained for, you know, rights reasons of self-incrimination.

Oh, shit.

No.

My SD cards.

He threw them all up.

My very best child porn was on them.

Corn dog.

Yeah.

Poor dog.

Corn dog.

I knew he should have ate you as a puppy.

Some bitch.

Sure, hope we can renegotiate in season seven.

I need money for lawyers.

Poor dog.

He said that dog and family are doing exceptionally well.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Like it was like a perfect fit.

Hmm.

Do you think he would

say that regardless, or do you you think he's being honest?

Why would you, wow, that's weird.

Why would you, why would you, why would he have to put on a happy face?

I guess he wouldn't.

In fact, he would almost, you know what?

I think quite the opposite.

If it didn't work out, it seems like he would almost revel in it.

Like, Mike gave him a shitty dog

because he doesn't have to deal with it.

Like,

we were going to go to Walker Stalker, he and I, and I think it's the first weekend of October, and they didn't have any room.

Like, it was all booked up already.

So, he texted me back.

He's like, You want to go to Monster Mania?

It's down in Maryland.

And I was like, Yeah, sure, why not?

So,

I don't think he's doing a bulk of the dog training and that shit.

And since it doesn't fall on him,

he might have a little lighter sense of humor about it.

If he was training that dog and shit, who knows, though, man?

Maybe it'll humanize him, right?

Like, it'll.

I've seen a more thoughtful look in his eye.

It doesn't look like that faraway look anywhere.

So it's doing a job.

He's thinking about the puppy?

Yeah, I don't know what he's thinking of, but it's definitely

brought a glint

to his eyes that I've not seen before.

He wants to fucking turn a dime off a fucking porn dog.

If I could train him, I wouldn't have to do all these cons.

Costs about $10,000 to

get a dog to you know

train a dog to sniff out SD cards and shit

money well spent if it's putting creeps like Jared Fogel behind jail

isn't it great man it says even if he worked 19 years and we were only able to get one really bad guy with him that's worth it mm-hmm I agree

now what's the cost though to train a dog

10,000 I said 10,000 yeah it's not that much

no but I mean how many like I mean, you have to be in a, like, you have to have a task force for that.

It's not like you give porn dog to your local police department, right?

Probably a unit.

I bet you they're a private unit brought in, right?

From around.

Yeah, like, they're like, hey, man.

Right.

That fat subway fuck has been diddling little kids.

We need porn dog fucking.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

That's pretty fucking cool.

That's awesome, man.

And how incredible that there's a creature out there whose nose is that sensitive that it can smell chemicals in a fucking SD card?

We were talking the day that

I got pinched by

the Popo here in Red Bank.

We were talking to the canine guy about this dog's sense of smell and shit, and like how far he can track people.

I saw a case on TV once.

It was a bloodhound.

He was looking for some lady.

And the dog walked like

it was like eight or nine miles following this scent and eventually they're like this fucking dumbass dog like now he's just going for a walk they found the body a mile past where he stopped he wanted to keep he wanted to keep going

you know wow that's cool but like if you look at like a dog's nose like those folds and stuff inside it they say i guess that's why yeah like you know we got nostrils that's it but they have all these folds that like well it's like they say it's like a radiator like his nose is just

It's fucking amazing.

Is there any sense that humans have that rivals

common?

Common sense?

Well, some people can argue that, yeah.

What?

I mean, I think a lot of human being.

Is there any sense?

Well,

I don't think common sense is considered one of the five senses.

It should be.

It fucking should be.

I mean, what are you laughing at?

Because

you were in a fucking stage.

It was like a fucking five-year period where I was like, he doesn't have any.

I was about to say, I don't want to sit here and admit that a dog has more common sense than me.

That's why I'm arguing it.

I never see a dog wasting all his money on the body.

I know I love dogs, but don't fucking don't slag the human race off just to make a point, though, because we're fucking incredible, too.

Yeah, okay.

All right.

There's room for everyone.

I don't see humans sniffing every fucking top of the food chain, even though we don't have any fucking scissors.

What are those called?

Incisors, yeah.

We don't have that.

We don't have any claws.

We don't have incisors?

Yeah, we do.

Yeah, I think we do.

We don't have teeth that maul.

We don't have

anything.

We can rip and tear food that's been prepared for us by waitresses that are entitled.

Right?

And we don't have claws.

But you know what?

We got a fucking two-pound fucking squishy sponge in our skulls that'll fucking take anything down.

And the posable thumbs.

Right.

Yeah.

Well, who's the smartest animals?

Like, pigs?

I've heard porpoises are pretty smart.

Pigs have dolphins.

Pigs have hands that could use a gun.

Dolphins.

Dolphins?

Oh, that's what I meant.

Was a porpoise the same thing as a dolphin?

No.

No.

It's a porpoise, then.

A porpoise is

not a manatee.

Hold on, let's get to the bottom of this.

I love it.

No, porpoise.

It looks like a dolphin.

I think it's shorter.

It's a female dolphin.

No, its nose, its snout is like stubbier.

They are mammals, though, right?

Yeah.

What are they?

If they're not mammals, what are they?

Well, it could be a fish, but they're not they're not even a fish either no they're mammals that's what i'm saying they are mammals

okay um dolphins not a fish dolphin's a mammal what is it doing in the aquarium then

so he's wondering

right why is it dolphin did i end up here shooting in a zoo

like why like he's he's fucking swimming around with other fish yeah well he's not a fish he's uh i bet he's swimming in a tank with other fish though i know it's it's it's an injustice I'm pretty sure whales, they're not mammals either.

I mean, they're mammals, too.

What's the difference between a fish and a mammal?

Well, it's live,

it's live birth.

As opposed to eggs.

Yeah.

Live birth, meaning like a little baby pops up.

Yeah.

And warm-blooded as well.

Now, that's true to some extent, but I'm sure that's not the full list.

Milk, too, right?

Oh, that's a good one.

What's a good one?

That's a good one.

Milk.

They give milk, right?

They feed milk to their young.

Yeah, mammary glands.

Mammary, milk.

Here we go.

I'm looking up around the corner.

Are you ready?

Yes.

Distinguished from reptiles and birds by the possession of a neocortex, which is a region of the brain, hair,

doesn't seem right,

middle ear bones, and mammary glands.

Mammals include the largest animals on the planet, so that's milk.

Mammary glands.

Great whales,

elephants, primates.

Yeah, they're just saying another word for whales like dolphins.

I think dolphins are the smartest things.

Well, here you go.

Well, here's what's the chart.

Give us the

chart.

So who's the smartest?

The more you know, the harder it is to say.

Here are the ten,

according to one famous scientist, Edward O.

Wilson, who's probably just saying this to get his name in the papers.

He's a famous scientist.

I mean, I guess for scientists, I never heard of him.

Chimpanzee.

Number one.

Well, number two.

Gorilla.

Gorilla is number two?

Yep.

Three.

Arama.

What's number one?

Chimpanzee.

Number one.

Okay, but actually, no, man is at the top.

No, you said animal.

Well, I meant

the smartest things on earth.

I'll email them and let them tell them to revise their list.

So what chimpanzees?

Edward O.

Wilson of fucking obviously did not take into account that.

But chimpanzee's number two.

Chimpanzee's number two, yes.

According to the famous podcaster,

Walter J.

Flanagan.

So chimpanzee would be number two.

Right.

Gorilla would be number three.

Orangutan would be number four.

Baboon would be number five.

Gibbon would be number six.

Now, the very general monkey would be seven.

Killer whale.

Look,

I'm not going to take anything away from

any of those species.

Let me just finish up: dolphin, elephant, pig.

All of those, except for the dolphin,

shit in their own water.

Including, yes,

he can't do it, but he can't help it.

He can't help it.

That's what I'm saying.

He can't help it, but all those smart creatures still crap where they drink, where they eat.

Sometimes we do it while watching a practical joker.

What's enough, Riot?

So, I mean, it's a beautiful country.

They got a long way to go before they.

Right, we're not in danger.

I had heard we're not in danger.

It's all right, good.

We're good.

They also say, here's another list.

Dolphins, chimps and orangutans, elephants, parrots, crows.

And dogs.

Crows are smart.

They're the ones that put the stones in the fucking water to raise it to their level so they could drink.

I saw a smart crow once.

Yeah.

I was motorcycling around.

I think it was in Yellowstone.

And there were like a couple biker guys, you know, motorcycles, and they had those tank bags.

And they went for a walk, and I saw a crow fly down, get on his tank bag, unzipper it.

Wow.

And start taking stuff out.

He took cigarettes out and he threw them on the ground.

He knew he didn't like it.

And shit that he didn't want, he just threw on the ground.

And then he, like, there were like, I don't don't know, it was like some granola shit or whatever that he did take and like pecked at it and like opened it and he ate some.

And then he fucking flew off.

I was like, if I can only catch him and teach him to smoke those cigarettes, I'll make a million dollars.

I know there's, they've trained.

There was apes who were addicted to smoking cigarettes, you think.

Oh, yeah.

I mean,

they had to get those cigarettes from somewhere, right?

Oh, yeah, but they were probably smuggled in by the fucking guards or whatever.

Why, were they in ape jail?

Well, they're all in jail.

I mean, apes?

Well, I mean, well, anyone who's smoking is in, is not on the fucking, is not in the Congo.

They're not fucking rolling their own cigarettes.

Obviously, what they're smoking, they're in some sort of in their case.

Oh, you're saying they're trained to smoke for the.

I mean, do you think that goes on a lot anymore?

At one time, I think, like, a roller skating chimp smoking a cigar was the height of entertainment,

but now, probably, maybe not so much.

No,

I think we've, as a society, we've advanced in our comedy to leave behind

Americans have.

Yes, the Americans have.

And Swedish.

Swedish.

Boy, did we fucking not know a lot about Sweden?

Like our sixth largest listener base.

I didn't get any complaints.

Usually

I was waiting for the barrage of

fucking ignorant American.

I'm not gonna waste my time educating these guys.

Do you teach your dog tricks, Walt?

My dogs do know

they do know some tricks.

They smoke.

Would you think of Walt differently if you found out he was teaching his dogs?

I would think he had a fucking brain hemorrhage when he got to go to a hospital.

Although it would be pretty impressive to see, holy shit.

They don't smoke, but

not inside anyway.

One dog I have, my Boston

is,

I'm convinced, knows

the vocabulary that it knows, that this dog is listening and understanding is on a level of a small child.

But my other dog, my French ball dog, is

he's he's probably got like some.

He's got the looks.

He's got the faraway look.

He's like.

He's got the big look.

Yeah,

he's not with us at all times.

I think he's just a little, he's not on the same level as the other dog.

And the other dog knows it, too, I think.

It's weird.

He's taking advantage of his slowness.

Oh, really?

Just like, hey, man, that's what happens, though.

Oh,

do you know how many nights Sage has gone without dinner?

Because I'm like, hey, check it out over there.

No,

I mean, that's what, I mean, like, if

humans will take advantage.

of the dimwitted,

do you really think Animal Kingdom is not going to do it too?

Survival of the fittest, right?

right?

So you have to watch out for the French bulldog.

Like, you have to.

Well, I mean, he's not going to, I mean, the other dog's not going to do enough to actually harm it.

I just mean, like, it will distract it and take its food.

It will give him a look

and won't allow him to chew a bone.

I mean, it just.

No, they're both male or both male.

If one's a female, one's a male.

Which one's the female?

The Boston and the smart one.

The smart one's a female?

Yeah.

Total domination.

Total domination.

I was going to say, man,

the fucking two dopey males are Walt and Footland.

Lord French Bulldog or the other one.

Tell him, Steve Dave.

Hollow, halo,

help fake your lines.

Hide your

ego,

wave your fickle back.

Get a man part-time

hero,

claim to speak in five.

Find out too late, oh, you are

heart time

and life

your face time

They've got me torn,

little man, no more

Bare time,

hide out

here beneath the sand

No show, war zone,

never lift a hand.

Little man, relief, return,

there to claim your dead.

See through

we do

Longtown and

life

leave your face time.

Big God, big tall,

little man, no more.

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