#301: Chocolate Clocks

Yeah, who's to say who's more delusional?

Who's more insane?

He's like, Why are people respecting my title?

So I gotta shoot Johnny Natsu and call the baby a cunt.

Christ Almighty, like,

even fucking graduate high school at this table.

Tell them, Steve Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em Steve Dave.

It's been a bit of a layoff here.

We had episode 300 last time,

and we didn't record last week.

I don't think we recorded the week before 300 either.

So it's been a while since we've been sitting around this table, and people have been asking one question, Walt.

What happened to Miss Gidem?

And we have quite a get tonight because this fucking asshole,

this dickhead who thinks he's so fucking hot,

we barely were able to secure him to give us a follow-up.

I'm not even kidding.

You should see this jerk off dismissing me at the counter as I'm like, hey,

it's lots of luster, right?

Oh, yeah.

Tell him, Steve David doesn't mean anything to get him anymore.

So the sea, he stepped on the stepping stone and he's moved on it to the next thing, as we just said.

He vaulted off it, man.

wow

pry was practically begging you yeah to stick around right yeah and you're like if you give me 24 hour notice brian maybe he didn't say that yes he did yeah

you know if you'd given me 24 hour notice i don't need 24 hour notice

what the fuck are you talking about it's insane right that that this fucking schmuck

who is under the employee of Walt, and are you hourly or salary?

Hourly.

All right.

Because of his salary, he could keep you here all night.

I mean, I got to be honest,

our relationship has taken a turn for the worse, I believe.

Tell me.

Did you first get him here?

No, I don't think so.

I think he's well aware.

Q, what is your feeling?

Has the relationship turned toxic when I'm intentionally throwing out things that he has written do not throw out just because I'm so mad at him?

If I'm toxic, you mean hysterical?

That's what I've been forced to do.

He's annoying me so much that I'm like, I see a piece of paper he writes, don't throw out, and I intentionally put it on top of the garbage so he knows I threw it out.

You don't even bury it.

So he's like looking around.

You're like, it's right there, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Take it out of the garbage.

Yeah, go for it.

Take it out of the garbage, you want to see it.

I didn't realize he knew it until today, though, right?

Yeah, because I left a decoy and it's not.

So he thought his plan would succeed.

It's the most retarded game of cat and mouse I've ever heard of.

Like, this guy's writing notes that will ensure that whatever it is will be thrown away.

Good morning.

How do you feel?

Do you feel the relationship has taken a toxic turn?

It's starting to.

Let's be honest.

It's growing pains, I would say.

Yeah.

Growing into what?

Just trying to mesh personalities.

Yeah, but it's not his job to mesh with you.

Like, he is seniority and he's your boss.

It's your job to mesh with him.

And that's what I'm trying to learn.

And it's

so hard.

Why is it so hard?

When I'm throwing shit out, I don't need you rolling your eyes and going, oh, why are you throwing that out?

Oh, come on.

Don't throw that out.

Oh, that's a perfectly good piece of plastic that we can use somehow, someway.

Oh, because he's a hoarder.

That's the problem.

He's trying to hoard shit here.

Yeah, I mean, it's a bizarre, like, emotional

roller coaster you're on as I'm throwing garbage out that doesn't need to be saved behind the counter.

Like, he has an emotional attachment to that piece of plastic that you can never possibly understand.

Well, no, like a piece of plastic, we can use it to wrap a comic book in a large-sized comic book or something, which we do, which we have done.

Okay, so what about a photograph that has been sitting behind the counter for

over a year that is address that is to Mike, that Mike has left here.

It's all dented up, and I throw it out, and you're like, that's Mike's.

Don't throw that out.

It's reduced to tears.

It looked like you got glassy eyed as I was throwing things out over the weekend.

That's why I was like, that's why I did a little, I was like, I'm throwing your shit out now.

Showed weakness.

I try to have maybe it's like it's

where the computer sits, the top shelf.

So it's maybe a foot deep by a foot and a half wide.

And that's just where I like to put the stuff like my camera.

You threw your camera away?

You you threw your camera away.

Like my camera, the battery charger for the batteries for the camera, the instruction manual for the battery charger for the camera.

And it's that it's just that's the little spot.

You can say camera supplies.

But okay, camera supplies.

Actually, though, but why do you have to keep an instruction booklet for a camera charger on the counter?

It's a battery charger.

So just so I know what kind of batteries it can take and what kind of batteries it can't take.

So it lives perpetually up there, or just when you use it?

It's there in case I'm like, oh, can I try it?

Try your wallet.

Or, I mean, the irony of him needing an instruction manual for photographic shit when he claims to have a photographic memory is not lost on me.

Plus, I've never read the.

I didn't throw that out, though.

No, I wasn't going to throw it out.

Why are you bringing

up the.

Did I ever once put my hand on that instruction manual anyway?

No, because it didn't have a note that said, do not throw away on it.

And you thought I was going to throw it out?

Yeah.

Did I throw it out?

No, you tucked it onto the computer, so now I know where it is.

Oh, yeah, but even that was a problem, though.

Like, well, that doesn't belong under there.

As if now you're telling me where shit belongs.

What are you laughing about?

Because he has that nervous laugh where he's constantly,

right?

Yes.

Kim, could you get unemployment yet from this place?

Is that possible?

I want to cut to like two, three weeks when Walt's like throwing his driver's license away and shit like that.

But

again, that's also where I keep stuff that people have me put aside for them.

Like, you know,

They're not really reservists.

That's all interesting, but

what is it that made you so mad that you're like, I'm going to start throwing this shit away?

Was it just the movie?

He kept rolling his eyes every time I threw something out as if I was throwing out treasure.

Yeah.

Because it's...

The stuff had been sitting there for a couple weeks now, so I was used to where it was.

And this all started with...

I'm throwing out garbage.

I'm throwing out rook stickers, and it's getting him upside down.

No, i didn't care about the rook stickers he's trying to play it cool now i don't care about the rook stickers i'm throwing out literally garbage that does there's no need for it it has no it helps us in no way and you're rolling your eyes and doing the

rook sticker i guess it wasn't the

passive aggressive type stuff staring at me and getting and his face is getting redder

redder

well no this all started with i have a card reader for the it's a camera supply it's a card reader for the iFi card, and that disappeared.

So he threw your card reader?

No, no, no, no, no, definitely not accuse me of that.

No, no.

You're throwing away garbage.

Why don't you just.

I'm literally throwing away garbage.

But this shit that you think is so important, why don't you just take it?

Bring it to your house.

Like, take Mike's pictures, all that stuff that you think matters.

You're seeing his truck?

I would be.

There's no room, is what you're saying.

I mean, it literally, I mean, it's a hoarder on wheels.

I've seen garbage trucks.

Does your living space look like that?

Yeah.

I've never wondered that maybe you need an intervention?

No, like I said, I'm not as bad as

the people you normally see on the shows like Quarters, they're like level four and level five.

I'm not that high level one.

Level one or two.

I have about minor goat trails, they call them.

With a potential to become a level three, four?

No, that's I could, that's like people who like go to the bathroom in buckets, and there's dead animals throughout their house.

Yeah, that's

they keep going.

He looks down on them.

They keep old food.

This is not like the Jokers.

I can see the faces behind her.

She's like, I'm not really Kev's cousin.

I'll see you later.

So

you could never see yourself reduced to

doing number one or two in a bucket.

No.

Unless like, maybe like.

Because everyone else can see you reduced to it, so you might as well join the club.

Like maybe after something like Hurricane Sandy, when we didn't have power or water for for a week,

everybody would be there.

Yeah, yeah.

But never you like.

And at that point in time, I would go to the bathroom and just pour a bucket into the toilet and let it flush like that.

All right, I understand how the process works.

I'm just saying, but if you could you ever see yourself getting to a point where you're like, I need to save this too?

No, no, no, no, not the Howard Hughes level.

Jar yellow Jarvis.

I need to save this too.

Yeah, it was

getting a little bumpier, but then it smoothed out.

It's bumpy on the weekend, smoothed out during the week.

Though

it did have a, yeah, I don't know.

I could explain that to you later because you didn't hear the one side of the conversation I was hearing.

Oh, is he talking about for taboo topics?

No.

No, then this guy called up and he's like, I want this one issue, this comic.

It's volume one, and it's really expensive, and I don't want to spend a lot of money.

But he was also on like inside, it sounded like he was in a convertible with the hands-free.

So like it was tough to hear him, and then like you'd get that wind crack noise.

And he's like, I really, he goes, Can I find a reprint it?

So, Walt told me where to find a reprint, and I looked it up, and

where I found it was for $65.

And he goes, It's like $100.

Oh, God, can't you tell us with a little more brevity?

Who gives a fuck about the finer details?

But that's the, it's the part.

It's the part of it.

He was like, he's like, I really don't want to spend a lot of money.

And Walt said it was $100.

I found it for $65.

You start from the beginning.

Maybe you don't understand the first line.

But, Walt, let me ask you a question.

If I can cut this off, I'm sorry.

I would love to get a little.

We may need a little counseling.

Do you feel that once you put aside the accumulated trash and the weird, you know, piccadillos

that he has,

does he care about the job?

Is he devoted to

doing the right thing?

Like,

is he into the job?

Is he hopelessly devoted to you?

Or is he coming here and just like, is it just work?

Ooh.

Wow.

I think I would have to think he's devoted at this point.

Yeah.

I think

my wife, like, I went home and I kind of like

I had to talk it out because I was just getting frustrated.

And, you know, she told me, she was like,

you took him on now, and

you knew the issues that came with him.

As if he's like a retarded puppy.

And she was like,

you have to accept him.

You got got to walk him.

You have to accept him for who he is

and

utilize the things that he does well and the things he doesn't do well.

Don't put him in a position where he's doing things that he doesn't do well.

And I'm like, yeah, you're right.

But then when I walked away, I was like, what does he do well?

And I was like, well, I still don't know what to do.

In all fairness, get him, I guarantee he's had the same discussion with his wife about me.

But it's on the upswing this week, John.

Is it?

Okay,

because it's Friday.

Is there a celebrity draw to having get him here?

Do people come in excited to see him, or is that handsome?

What would you say, Get him?

Yeah, we've had one or two people.

Yeah, a couple of times.

People have been kind of excited to see him.

Mostly because they think I'm Kevin or somebody else.

Okay.

People have come in and they've recognized the voice from the podcast.

Like, why is Kevin shitting in that pink can?

He wears a cowboy hat.

He gives it a little bit of flair.

He's got a cowboy hat up there.

When he's playful,

I really love having him around.

But when he's in this little bitchy mood,

it's real tough to deal with.

He tucks his fucking shirt in so tight.

I notice it every day.

I'm like, what kind of person?

Now it's not because I have to tell him every day.

I'm like, untuck your shirt.

He tucks it in so tightly that like his gun hangs over it and shit.

And I'm like, it's unsightly, bro.

And plus, who tucks their shirt in?

Nobody.

Why do you tuck it in?

Is it like an OCD thing?

When I was at the track, we had to tuck our uniforms in and wear belts.

So that's just

a good question.

Now, the sense coming out, do you ever wish that, like, you know, did you make, did you ever say, did I make the right decision, leaving the track?

Yeah, but I know I made the right decision.

Okay, good.

All right.

So that's good.

Q, you're working miracles over here.

All I'm doing is asking questions, man.

They're giving the answers.

They're asking the right questions.

That's all male.

Christotherapy really helped.

We work it out.

We don't give up.

That's one thing we'll never do.

We'll never give up.

It's about listening.

It is.

What your partner wants.

So initially, I started this conversation regarding a totally separate couple.

Mrs.

Gidam.

And people want to know, like,

how is the relationship progressing?

Once the

mics went dark and you guys rode off in your fucking shitmobile filled with fucking plastic and mic photos.

And what is all that stuff in your truck?

Like, why do you have all that stuff?

Well, when I was working at the track, it was pretty much you had to, when you're going out to a post, we don't have lockers or anything.

So, what you had to take out to work, you took with you.

Okay, so you need like jugs.

Like 50 empty Mountain Dew cans, like that kind of thing.

Well, that's the back of the.

Okay, you're talking about the back of the truck.

That's the front of the truck.

They're just bottles that haven't been buried for 50 years.

It's mostly coffee cups in the back of the truck.

You need all those clothes that you keep in the truck?

Yeah, I try to keep at least two changes of clothes in my truck just in case.

But the truck.

In case of what?

Open.

No,

I'm talking about the front of the truck.

There's no clothes in the bed.

The cab of the truck.

There's no clothes in the bed.

I mean, it's an imprint where his body sits.

Right.

You could just see the outline of where a body sits around all this stuff.

Like when they peel someone away from a couch.

She's been sitting on it for like fucking 15 years.

I've been the guy doing the peeling.

I know it.

Wow.

So that's the question, Giddem.

Do you talk to her, Mrs.

Gidham?

Not really, no.

Not really, no?

Or no?

No, you do not talk to her.

No, no.

Have you tried to contact her and she won't return your calls?

No, I didn't try to contact her during the, after the wedding and before it was revealed because I didn't want to give anything away.

But how is talking to her?

She already knows.

But other people, like, you know, through social media or something like that.

Well, I make plenty of phone calls that don't count.

Don't reach social media.

I talked to my mom for like 40 minutes today, and nobody reported it on that.

I read about it on TV.

Oh, did you?

Harvey Levin broke into five news.

Okay, so you blew it, is what you're saying.

No, why would you say that?

No.

You marry a girl and then you don't call her for three weeks?

Is Adosta his responsibility to call?

She hasn't called.

Yeah, I was going to say, I was waiting for the response in.

The phone works both ways.

Absolutely.

He's the man.

He's got to call.

That's kind of antiquated.

Sure, but as we've discussed before, I like the antiquidated system of.

Let's just get it straight.

It's antiquated, guys.

Christ Almighty.

I mean, like, if we were to pull an intervention on your whoredom.

Whoredom.

Would Mrs.

Gidham would she have to be there to make an impact?

Actually, usually the less people there, the better.

She'd probably be there to be carried out.

It's like, oh, no wonder she wasn't picked up.

She was buried under a bunch of fucking Mike's photos.

Well, you're somewhere in the wedding ring.

Yes.

So do you consider yourself married?

Yes.

So I'll perform the ceremony, everything, you know, it's all on the up and up, I would like to imagine.

But it hasn't been consummated in any way, shape, or form.

No.

Not even with a phone call.

Have you jerked off to her?

At least.

Look how ready she's getting.

So how long will you go with this ruse that you're married?

Because this is like you're going out, right?

What's that?

I mean, in his mind, he's married and he's happy.

Isn't that all that matters?

Oh, really?

You tell people, like, I've got a wife, I'm a happily married man, like, you go down to the bar and you're eating wings and shit.

I've been down to the bar since then.

I mean, if it works, who are you to look down upon in the way the way that their marriage is?

Hey, man, you're right.

I'm nobody.

A lot of couples, you know, they can't make it work.

These two have fucking figured out a way to be happy.

To never be in contact.

To deny each other's existence.

Much in the same way that me and Samantha Fox are making our relationship work.

Well, we never get into fights.

You have to throw all my stuff.

Also, me and Jenna Jameson.

All these relationships are working out great,

but that was the big thing.

Uh, he has he has a standing dinner plans every single night, right?

With the same person, yes, with this woman in her 50s, yes, and you still have yet to make any sort of uh shenanigans with him again.

We're we are friends.

I tried to explain this the other day to somebody, and it's I, for some reason, some people can't understand.

Change, I mean, that's that's why I'm asking for an update.

Wasn't this covered in when Harry Mitchell?

Do you hear that, Stacy?

Could show change?

We learned this in when Harry met Sally.

Like, a guy and a girl, they can never truly be friends.

The guy's always thinking something.

He never once thought anything.

Like,

I'd like to cheat on this giddin' with you.

You don't think it's true?

You don't think it's possible for

you're really, really going to sit there and say that a man and woman really can't be friends?

No, I'm totally friends with Stacey.

Right, Stacy?

I don't want to do anything else with

See, because Giddam's right, because he was telling somebody that they were just friends and they were like, they weren't having any of it, they weren't buying it.

And I totally believe Giddam when he says that it's he,

it's like we'll be going out to dinner with Q every night, right?

It'll be the same exact experience.

Well,

I think it's not really about her as much.

It's like they take one look at Giddam and they're like, he's just like, like, bursting with testosterone and marquezimo.

They're like, there's no way.

He's a stallion.

Yeah, he's got

a desire.

This other person did preface it by saying, so now you're both completely drunk.

What about then?

Wow, get him.

So, okay, all right, you're operating as a married man.

So if the opportunity came to hook up with someone,

say a cousin of Kevin Smith, for instance.

Right.

Let's just say she was in the wings.

Yeah.

You would not take it.

You would not take that because you're married.

Yes.

I would not take it.

Sorry, Coz.

There's none for you.

That is an honorable man right there.

As much as we give him.

He's so full of shit.

Look how pretty she is.

He's a liar.

He's a liar.

It's very safe for him to say no to that.

It's very safe.

She's been fucking fiddling with pepper spray the entire time, looking at him, just waiting.

Stranger danger, stranger danger.

Bear me some.

She gave him a preemptive spray just

to get him to tear up a little.

For

as much as we ride Gidem's tail, bro, and gave him a hard time.

You got to give it up.

I mean, that is, that's so sweet.

It is, but it would be better if it was coupled with, you know, attempting to woo his bride or make him go of it.

Contacts.

I think that, again, you've got them in this box.

You're just like the rest of society.

You put them in this box and you expect them to behave the way you want them to behave.

Instead of just letting them be happy, you let them work it out and let them find each other.

No matter how long it takes, you know, they'll, it'll, it's working as it is right now, and they both are happy.

The final piece of the puzzle always fits, no matter how long you wait.

I see.

Thank you.

I love that.

But what if she's not holding herself to the same standard?

What if she's out there carousing about town?

Yeah, she's like, yeah, if he's not going to call, yeah.

That would kind of hurt.

Don't even let them plant, don't even let them plant that nasty seed in that brain.

Oh, somebody's planting nasty seeds right in your bride.

I guarantee it.

No.

You got horns.

You're cuckled.

She's been cuckled.

Is there a way for her to contact you if she wants to, if she listens to this tonight?

Well, why don't you just call her right now?

I don't have her phone number.

Does she have yours?

Not that I know of.

Well, can't she like a you?

Can't she contact me on Twitter?

Can't she contact you on Twitter?

Twitter, Reddit, almost any form.

Carrier,

you can send messages on Reddit.

That private message is cool.

Yeah, I know.

It's going to get lost in all the fucking hate messages.

Yeah, why would you go to Reddit?

I'm just saying it's one of the many ways to get it.

Can you send a private message on it?

To you.

So you follow her on Twitter.

And does she follow you?

I don't know if she follows me on Twitter.

Well, look.

Well, I can't.

He doesn't even know her Twitter handle.

Yeah.

He knows nothing about her.

What's her last name?

Do you know it?

You don't say it on air, but do you know it?

He doesn't know it.

It's a cue.

I got to say, yeah, this is a match made in heaven, Walt.

You're right.

This is the wave of the future

for marriages in America today.

What is it?

Exactly.

You get married, and then you just go and you don't see each other.

You get married?

Long, long, long stretches.

You get married in a sham ceremony by an impractical joker and then never see each other ever again.

Sal.

Please don't appeal and Sal.

Sal said something.

I got to bring it up.

I rarely bring up impractical jokers on this show, but I was watching an episode the other day and I saw something that may be the funniest thing I've ever seen on the show.

And it was

Joe, and I can't remember if it was you or Myr, but you're at a supermarket.

Okay.

And you're hiding, and

you guys get another person to hide with you.

I don't think you were hiding with them.

It's this lady.

She comes in.

Oh, no, this is the pet store.

Was it a pet store?

I don't know.

But there's like these sliding doors, and the next person to come in, they want them to jump out and say, surprise.

Yeah, it's a pet store in Long Island.

And it took a really long time for someone to come in.

And the lady, like, you can see the excitement at first.

Is there anyone else?

It slowly drains until you can see she's like, I'm going to, I guess I'm going to walk away.

And then all of a sudden, Sal tells Joe to say, you're a disgrace to your family.

Dude, I was crying.

It was the perfect storm of fucking meanness.

I texted him.

I was like, it's scientifically quantifiable, it's the funniest thing you could possibly say in that moment.

And Joe said it.

He said half of it, and then he said the other half because he was laughing at the time.

I was like, it's so

I can't imagine what's going through the woman's head.

She's like, first she's like, yeah, I'm in, man, I'm totally in.

And then the energy drains, and then someone says one of the most insulting things they could possibly say.

I was fucking crying.

I was like, I did a bit where a guy walked in the store

and

where the guy walked in the store and I said,

stop bringing me birds to put down.

Did that make that episode?

Yes, I think.

Did it work?

Because in person, it was fucking funny, man.

We were dying laughing.

I thought it worked.

All right, cool.

All right, good.

That was a good bit.

So get them, that's it, huh?

What time are your dinner plans now?

As soon as I get out of here.

Yeah?

Yeah.

How does she feel when you show up late?

Does she take your friend?

Does she take your celebrity status into account?

No, she just sometimes, you know, because I don't, usually I

usually call if I'm not going to show up, but if

usually you call if you're not going to show up.

But if I'm late, I don't call.

So she's just, you know, she's just waiting around for me to show up.

But usually you call if you don't show up.

So you don't call every time?

Like sometimes you just don't show up to dinner?

No, you know what?

I have to say, I do call every time I don't show up.

Okay.

It's very mannerly of you, Genno.

Is she a hoarder to this lady?

No.

Complete opposite.

Yeah?

Very, yeah, very Spartan.

How would your wife feel that

you're dining out with the same woman night after night?

Well, quote-unquote friend.

I've been doing it for years, so it's not like it's something new.

Right.

Yeah.

This friend of yours, she's alive, right?

Yes.

Okay.

You never know with Giddam.

All right, get him.

She's alive.

The other day when my tire blew out, she came and picked me up.

Can you give a picture of this woman?

I could find one.

Come on.

And

why is there no love love connection?

You think you're too good looking for?

No, she keeps horses with us over the winter, and I don't mix business and pleasure.

But you're working with Walt, and he's your friend.

Yeah, I don't.

But I'm not going to get intimate with Walt.

What?

Friendship is a pleasure, though?

Yeah.

And it is intimate.

Yeah.

Just because you don't have sex with him.

You now spend more time with Walt than you spend with any other person on the planet.

Not only are we spending time at work, we're texting into the wee hours of the night.

Yeah.

Like, what are you texting about?

You You have a haunted look in your eyes.

Okay.

All right.

Is that dog?

Yes, it's her dog.

Yes.

What happened to her in life that she's having dinner with you?

Are you asking?

Are you asking, is that her or a dog?

Okay.

It's a very good looking dog.

Let me take a look at this.

That is a sharp-looking dog.

How did you become friends with this lady?

She works at the track.

She's an outrider.

What happened to her?

What do you mean?

That she's having dinner with you every night.

It's just like, what's going on in her life?

It's just, you know, it's just the way we do things.

It's just.

Yeah, but what happens?

Is this how we do things?

No, never been married.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

All right, get him.

All right.

Trying to get one more picture up.

It's all right.

Nobody cares.

It is good to see you, though, get him.

Good to see you, too.

We've developed a game though, me and Get him, though.

Oh, he's not leaving?

No, no, no.

He can't stay for it.

We don't have the time, but it's going to be.

It could be a good idea.

I think, Q,

me and get him to have it after we debut it, we have a meeting with a producer.

Really?

Yes.

To talk about it.

It's going to.

It's called Don't Throw This Away.

It could be picked up by Maynard.

I'm really excited about it, but we're not going to play it this week because he doesn't have the time.

Okay.

All right.

But are you going to be around next week to play it?

I guess so, yes.

Only if we give him 24-hour notice, though.

We'll do what we can.

So, just to be clear, if

Kevin's cousin here wanted to go on a date with you, you'd say no.

Yes.

Yes.

Sorry, Kev's cousin.

I know it's embarrassing to take this.

It's nothing against her personally, but you know.

You've got your standing dinner date, and there's nothing that can be done about it.

Plus, you wouldn't have fit in his truck with all the fucking shit that's in it.

I did take the typewriter out

two nights ago.

Yeah, how do you feel about sitting on a typewriter and driving to a third-rate chain restaurant?

All right, get them good for you.

See you tomorrow.

Get him.

Have a good night.

The most happily married man in America.

Right there.

There he goes.

Wow.

Thank you again, Frank Five, for my signed picture of Dakota Fanny.

You don't think that's an actual sign for Photo Road, do you?

Yeah, he said he emailed her.

Frank Five is like, hey, I emailed Dakota Fanny.

And he's like, oh, cool.

Well,

like that, there's no questions asked.

He said, unlike Tom Cole.

Why the fuck would he have her email address?

You don't even have your wife's email address, her phone number.

He said, unlike Tim Conley, she responds.

So I guess maybe he found an email address?

Sure.

Okay.

It's her signature.

Okay, buddy.

Cool.

All right, good.

See you tomorrow.

That situation is getting dire.

You can't even wait until he was out of earshot.

This is just getting worse.

I thought working here would be good for him.

And how's it bad for him?

He's, I don't know.

He's just, everything he said on this episode was crazy.

Disconnected and weird.

Not at all.

What do you mean?

He's under a get him spell.

He wouldn't.

He considers himself married.

He wouldn't cheat.

Oh, you're telling me you think that he wouldn't, all those things he wouldn't consider if he wasn't here?

Well, we brought that into his life, so I don't know.

But that's nuts.

That's nuts.

How is it nuts, though?

I mean, do you really expect him, you really expect him to not treat it with the respect that marriage demands?

But it's way out of whack.

Well, he's not calling her or contacting her or talking to her and vice versa.

I'd say that's more important than staying true.

The man has

principles and rules that he lives by.

He's got a code.

Lack of options.

And they don't, and if they conflict with, again, about how you feel is crazy,

quotes crazy.

I don't know.

I mean, I admire that in a person that's like, yeah, I don't care what.

I mean, I'm married and I'm happy.

You're like, I'm going to take a page out of his book and not speak to Deb for the next three weeks or let her know where I am.

No, no, no, I'm not saying it would work for everybody, but obviously it's working for him.

I mean, it worked for Ming, too, right?

All right.

Wow.

Nobody's called me Colonel yet on this show.

I want to talk about how come you guys aren't respecting my decision to be called Colonel from now on.

I forgot about it, but I'll try to

set a reminder.

What are some of the things a colonel is able to do?

If you're dubbed a colonel, what kind of things can you do?

Can you declare war if you're in Kentucky or something?

No.

Basically, I am an aide.

It's a lifelong position, Walt.

Lifelong.

I'm an aide to the governor's office.

If they need help with something, I got to rush in there and help.

So far, they haven't called.

What governor, though?

Any governor in

the Union?

Well,

the governor of Kentucky is in charge of the.

So you think you're recognized by the governor of New Jersey, recognizes Brian Quinn as

a Duke?

Honorable Colonel.

Oh, Colonel.

Yeah.

I should be.

Yeah.

So who's the Colonel of New York right now?

Andrew Cuomo.

No, governor.

Governor.

There are no.

Governor.

I'm sorry, I meant governor.

Colonel Sanders.

You know why he's called Colonel?

Because he fought in the Confederate War.

No.

Because he was bestowed the same honor that I was.

Oh, he's a sham.

He's a Colonel.

I don't want to say sham, but he was.

Sham.

To say sham.

Is real as Gidham's marriage?

Yeah, who's to say who's more delusional?

Who's more insane?

No, no, no.

What are you talking about?

He's like, why are people respecting my title?

Can you believe Gidham?

bestowed a title.

Yeah, but I feel like that's not being given the respect it deserves.

Like, that's not easy.

Not just anybody can become a fucking colonel.

Isn't it like getting a doctorate

when you didn't finish high school just because you're on like a team?

Like an honorary doctor?

Yeah.

You're not really able to go into a surgeon's into the surgery and perform surgery, are you?

No, but that's what, that's what, but you could still call him doctor.

I mean, come on.

So all you want is someone to refer to you as a, what is it, Duke?

Colonel?

i keep saying duke i think it's easier just for you to call him duke q duke duke q duke yeah i mean my my official title is uh my official thing is honorary brian quinn the honorary brian quinn uh colonel in the kentucky colonels i'm a colonel so colonel brian quinn

i mean i don't think it's too much for you how uh in daily life how many other people are uh have

have taken to calling you it's extremely rare i don't think it's pretty infrequent catching it on like i wanted to i gotta be be honest with you.

But why the fuck does Colonel Sanders get to be called?

Everybody calls him Colonel Sanders.

It took a while.

Yeah.

It sounded like it was three weeks, and everyone was like, holy shit, Colonel Sanders.

He's a household name.

He gave him also, he gave America the gift of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

You haven't given us shit.

We gave us one of the greatest fast food joints on the planet.

Unless you're a chicken.

It's one of the worst.

And we got, I deliver the magic of yucks and laughter.

And you're telling me that that's not worth.

Yeah, but he's been at it a lot longer.

I mean,

if you guys are performing into your 90s,

oh my God, I've been away that long.

Like the colonel from KFC did?

No.

But

he was a colonel after he started the restaurant.

Right.

That's what I'm saying.

And everybody needs to suddenly call him Colonel.

Let's learn a little bit about Colonel Sanders, boys.

My brethren, my fellow colonel.

Your contemporary.

Well,

isn't it enough to be the the second most famous colonel in the world?

Well, I don't even think I am.

Fred Astaire was a colonel.

There's a lot of famous colonels.

I don't even think I'm a millionaire.

Who's Fred Astair?

I know.

I know he was a colonel.

Not to mention real colonels in the military.

Okay, so Colonel Sanders.

I remember Colonel Klink.

Oh, so you're right now, you're down to four right away.

Colonel Klink is probably.

If we kept talking, he'd be not even in the top 10, easily.

I wouldn't even be in the top 100.

I'm just saying, it doesn't matter.

I have a title.

I don't think it's a lot to ask for.

Well, if you're I've sent an email to True TV to see if next season they could change my credit to Colonel Brian - I'm not even kidding, to Colonel Brian Quinn.

Why don't you just get your

name legally changed?

That way they would have to do it.

Now you're fucking talking.

Right?

They would have no choice.

That's pretty good.

Right?

Yeah, I like that.

So even it says it on my driver's license.

And then the cop, when he stops you, he has to be like, all right, Colonel Brian

I'm like, finally.

In fact, not only am I president of four-colored demons, but I'm also the colonel of the four-colored demons.

I've just

bestowed myself that title.

I can do that.

I can make four-colored demon colonels if I want, but I'm not going to until you.

Will you make me one?

I can if everybody's shown me the respect I deserve.

So

only if only if I abide by your stringent rule to

call you a colonel

and I can become a colonel.

That's right.

How often do we even call him by name?

Like do you even say Q?

I bet you if I looked in your phone, it would not say colonel.

And that's what I find very disappointing.

You know why you're no Colonel Sanders?

Because Colonel Sanders once wounded a business rival in a deadly shootout.

So that would be like the equivalent of you taking down Johnny Knoxville and shooting him.

Johnny Knoxville.

You know, you just saw him across the street.

You lined him up.

You shot him right in the shoulder.

I would love to see that headline.

Diluted honorary colonel wounds America's

with like a musket, with like a powder musket.

Sanders served in the military.

Yeah, but that's not why they call him colonel, though.

But these are all things, though, that come up with why he was elevated to the world's most famous colonel, though.

I'm not saying I should be more famous than him.

That's not what what I'm saying.

I'm not saying I should be that.

But I'm just saying

you need to give it some time.

You need to relax and

let your legend grow a little bit before you're demanding the same space as Mr.

Sanders.

Yeah.

All right, there you go.

Oh, thank you.

See, now I'm in the phone with Colonel Barncoin.

You may have this in common with Colonel Sanders.

He swore like a sailor.

Okay, I got that.

You do that?

Sure.

Oh, fuck you.

Do you think you do it like a sailor, though?

At times.

You get a couple of drinks of me, and it's a fucking old.

Not like one of those sailors, like those weekend sailors, like rich yuppie guys with their Doc Ciders.

Do I look like a rich yuppie guy to you?

Oh, all right, but let's see this.

Colonel Sanders boasted, I would cuss before women and children, and I didn't care.

Would you do that?

Would you be that coarse?

I just said fuck in front of Stacey, in front of Emily.

Those are not children.

I'm talking about real, like, I'm talking like

stuff that might get you arrested back in the 70s for, you know, like, you know, who's that guy?

Who's that comedian that you always use?

Lenny Bruce.

Oh, Lenny Bruce.

Like, you got, I'm talking about stuff that would be, like, so explicit and coarse.

Like,

you walk up to a six-year-old girl and you're like, what's up, cunt face?

Like,

then you got some bread.

Yeah, then you're up there with, then you're up there with Colonel Sin.

So I got to shoot Johnny Natsu and call the baby a cunt.

These are the two things that I need to do to get some credit credit around here.

I'll call you a colonel if you do both those things.

That episode of Always Sunny with Psycho Pete came back and they're like the one example of what he used to do was used to scream in baby's faces.

Everyone's like, that's so awesome.

They're like, we know.

Scream in baby's face.

All right, well, I have nothing against Johnny Knoxville.

I'm a fan, but I got to do what I got to do, I guess.

I mean, could you can he shoot Dane Cook instead, please?

Why?

Is Dane Cook even around?

Of course.

What's What's he doing?

Never goes away.

I don't know.

You want to know what Dane Cook's up to?

Well, you said.

Well, why do you say shoot him?

There's got to be more annoying people.

Than Dane Cook?

He's not even like.

Well, he's saying, what we're saying, who's less funny than him that's still around right now?

Well, I meant in terms of, you know.

In terms of what, like, Johnny Knoxville isn't exactly like hot right now.

But he had a, he didn't have a hidden reality show, too.

Well, he did Jackass, which we get compared to a lot, but it's also way, way more popular than our show is.

No, not anymore.

Not anymore, maybe, but

in terms of the popularity.

You guys have eclipsed that.

Well, we're more relevant now.

Yeah.

But that show will never be as popular as that show was.

The other two movies.

You guys don't resort to like

genital mutilation.

That and like a lot of like, as Jackass went on, there was a lot of like gay stuff.

Like it got gayer and gayer.

Well, we have Sal.

What do you think?

I'm not talking about real gay people.

Q, I I had it.

Two days from now when people start saying it on Twitter, he pulls me up and he's like, What did you guys say about it?

I thought I would want to hear your thoughts on this because it it's it's something I thought would very resonate with you.

Did you hear about this soccer player?

I'm sorry, were you talking to me?

Yeah, I really want to hear your thoughts on this because you didn't m you didn't address him as Colonel.

No, I'm sorry for Colonel.

Colonel, I wanted to get your thoughts on this soccer player, this female soccer player, who got suspended for six months for calling an opposing team cowards.

Six months?

Six months.

Her name is Solo,

and she was an Olympic

soccer player.

Of course, she's famous.

Hope Solo?

Yeah, Hope Solo.

That's a cool name.

That is an awesome name.

Right?

I mean, that's got to be a Star Wars,

like the new Hope Solo.

It had to be.

The parents had to be Star Wars fans.

She's very good looking, too.

So I'm surprised they knocked her out.

Well, she, well, I guess America lost the gold medal.

They didn't get gold.

And I guess she was so frustrated in the.

So they suspended her for the six months that she's not playing anyway?

Well, no,

United States Federation of Soccer suspended her for six months.

She can't play in anything for six months because of that comment.

Because she called people cowards.

Because she called Sweden a team of cowards.

Wasn't it a build-up, though?

I thought she had done other things and that this was like the icing on the cake table.

So you can't do that, though.

You just can't take a build-up of things and be like, well, you said this, you said this, you said this.

This was the thing that they're pointing to as

the thing that got her suspended.

Right.

She called them cowards.

Why were they cowardly?

Because they didn't play the game, I guess, the way I guess they protected a lead or didn't, they didn't attack at all.

So

they played scared, she's saying.

So basically, they had the lead, so they just.

Well, I think it was they lost in a shootout, America.

I'm not sure.

You didn't watch it?

I thought you were a big soccer fan.

No, Colonel.

No, we talked about this.

I haven't had a chance.

The Colonel hasn't had a chance to

check out his sports.

I was out of the country as I was gone.

What do you want from me?

Listen, I don't think that she should have been suspended six months.

Broad issues coming right here.

Yeah,

a little bit of broad issues.

I think it's six months.

Colonel's broad issues.

Yeah, Colonel's broad issues.

Here we go.

Colonel Q's broad issues.

Smacking the ass of investigative journalism.

Pounding the pavement, hitting the streets, hitting them hard as only the Colonel can.

I think so.

Why watch with these women playing soccer anyway?

Why are they not preparing my batter in the kitchen?

Math, 11 herbs and spices.

I'm not going to name them.

They're in a safe somewhere.

Did you hear what happened with that, by the way?

Somebody fucking accidentally

released the secret recipe.

It's no longer a secret.

Do you think it was an accident?

Yeah.

Wait, hold on.

No.

In the stupidest way possible.

It got released.

A guy was giving an interview.

A family member was giving an interview

and showed a scrapbook to the reporter.

And the reporter took a picture.

And in it was,

look at that, the list of

the secret recipe for KF6.

And they put it on Twitter.

This guy's like, hi, I'm the biggest jerk off on earth.

He blew the family secret.

Oh, man.

And they made it.

They cooked it using that, and they said it's exactly like KF6.

The main ingredient is white pepper, it says, Walt.

Yeah, but just because you had the ingredients doesn't mean that you can actually whip it up, though, and have it taste like KFC.

They whipped it up?

It tastes like KFC.

Yeah.

It's out.

Once that cat's out of the bag, right?

You can't put that genie back in the bottle.

How badly did their stock tumble now that everyone's going to be making their own KFC?

Colonel Q can open up his own chicken shack now.

Yeah, now that you know

the recipe.

Repeating Colonels.

Do I get sued if I open a chicken shack called Colonel Q's Chicken Shack?

Definitely not.

No?

No, I don't think so.

It's called KFC.

It's not even, it has nothing.

I mean,

why do you think they hold on to the Colonel?

Is he beloved?

Sure.

He's an iconic symbol.

He's Mountain McDonald.

Yeah, but in this day of, you know, political correctness and all this shit, he's a southern gentleman, you know, associated normally with not nice things.

Yeah, but

he was never suffering.

He was a friend to all children.

I would see pictures of him.

I go to KFC.

There's posters of of him, like, like in a field, and there's old children at his feet.

Picking cotton.

They were my children.

No, he's feeding them chicken.

He was feeding them chicken?

Yeah.

Well, biscuits.

But he was just.

Was he cursing at them at the time?

It's just a poster.

He can't tell what he was saying.

Okay.

But when I go back to this Hope Solido queue,

six months.

I feel.

Well, the thing that I like that hockey gets right is I think there's got to be a little bit more spit in the eye on sports.

The one thing about being a Yankee fan that I always felt kind of like robbed of was the Yankees have always been held to a higher level of behavior within their organization.

They're not allowed to curse, they're not allowed to, like, they're always like

clean-shaven

hair at a certain length.

Exactly.

You represent the pinstripes, so da-da-da.

I always like it when a sports figure has a little bit of that in them.

A little recklessness.

Oh, so you're saying you, sorry, but you're saying you don't like the Hope Solo going out and saying such things.

No, I think she shouldn't.

She's speaking trash.

No, that's very un-Yankee-like, though.

That's what I'm saying.

That's what I feel I was missing out on by being a Yankee fan.

Oh, okay.

Having sports heroes that were a little bit more of the old variety.

Here's what gets you suspended these days from women's soccer, right?

This is exactly it.

We played a bunch of cowards.

The best team did not win today.

I strongly believe that.

I think you saw American Heart.

I mean, what the fuck?

That's outrageous.

That's some.

If a man had said that, would he have been paid in a six months?

Yeah, I think so.

No way.

Sure, in the Olympics, I think so.

Really?

Yeah.

I think there's got to be some sort of weird standard going on here.

Why on earth would that be suspension worthy?

It's nothing.

It's nothing.

It's not words.

I don't agree.

I think everybody should.

I guess they're saying, I think because it's the Olympics and because it's about world unity and she's representing the United States, that they're.

She said something about the Ziki, right?

I think of her she said she didn't want to go to to the Olympics because of the Zika virus.

Imagine that.

Imagine an athlete just coming out.

You lost.

You just lost.

You're raw.

Your emotions are

so raw, you're angry.

And you say something.

You just say they play like cowards.

Is it going back?

Is it kind of like

is it too politically tied?

Because Sweden, you know, kind of stays neutral.

I think that's Switzerland, but possibly.

Oh, okay.

I knew it was a

the second most neutral country over there, Sweden.

So, what is Sweden known for?

They've gone into war?

Whose side were they on?

Sweden?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Let's look up Sweden.

Let's see what they're up to.

The fucking cowards.

We think we got any Swedish.

Wasn't that the sound of music?

Wasn't that Scandinavia, I thought.

No, that was in Sweden.

The Swedish Alps, right?

It would be the Swiss Alps, guys.

Christ Almighty, like,

even fucking graduate high school at this table.

It It just goes to show you you don't need to know shit to be a colonel.

Or work in the Common Folks too.

Hey, I know where the fucking American Alps are, you know?

He's like,

you know, the Adirondacks.

He's like, I'm the colonel of the country of Kentucky.

When the Alps are blue.

And the chickens good.

Thank you.

Let's see.

Don't steal my 11 herbs and spices.

Those are my spices.

Hey, you know, Hunter S.

Thompson was a colonel, a Kentucky colonel.

Was he?

Yeah.

So, you know.

That seems to be largely meaningless.

What is Sweden, where have they been

in the world history of

battles?

Of battles.

Meaningless at all.

That's not meaningless?

Where you stood in some of

during history's time of

Just didn't want Brian to get the last word in them.

So I said it under my breath, hoping no one would hear but the home audience.

Well,

Sweden gave us the Vikings.

They gave us Stockholm Syndrome.

Okay.

What else did they give us?

Let's see here.

What do you know about Sweden, Kev Cousin?

Anything?

Hardly anything.

All right.

World War I and World War II, neutral.

Cowards.

Knew it.

Fucking

Swedish cowards.

Aren't they neutral?

Because they were like, aren't they right next next to Germany?

Aren't they like?

Yeah, like, you guys fucking nuts, they'll be on us next.

Yeah, exactly.

I'd be fucking neutral, too.

I'd be like, I don't know.

They have some good points.

Do we have any Swedish aunts?

You think?

I don't want to say anything out of turn.

Yeah.

Oh, there's got to be a couple.

Yeah, I think.

Oh, no, that wasn't.

Because they speak English in that country, not as a first language.

Wait a minute.

I thought

what was one of those Muppets.

The Swedish chef.

Yeah.

He wasn't English, did he?

No, or he was a Muppet.

That wasn't a real Swedish person.

I'm not sure we should go by him.

My only exposure to a Swedish person was the shuffle of Muppets.

Representative of all Swedes.

He was a coward, too.

He was.

Fucking chicken shit, motherfucker.

I do know that it's not a shithole country.

Supposedly,

it is very

April.

It's advanced.

Like, isn't all anything goes in Sweden, right?

All drug use is legalized.

It's like if they made a country out of San Francisco, it would be Sweden, but with a lot of tall, blonde people.

Yeah, they're like Nordic, right?

Yeah.

You've been to Sweden, too?

As a

I was in a layover in one of their airports, so I didn't really get to experience the country.

But

they have IJ over there?

Is that one of their markets?

They have their own version of IJ.

Really?

Yeah.

They stole it from you?

Well, they bought it from us and they make their own version of it.

Is there a version of IJ in Icelandia?

Icelandia.

That That I don't know.

I know there's like

15 different versions.

Might be more now.

They claim that is the hardest language to learn.

Because it's all like fragments like Klingon.

What, yeah?

For which Icelandic?

Yeah.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Huh.

And most of those fuckers speak English.

I thought it was Mandarin that people.

All right, you want to know about some religion in Sweden today?

Well,

18% of Swedish citizens responded that they believe there is a God.

45%.

Wait, well, don't just gloss over.

only 18.

Yeah.

That's why they're in the state they're in.

I mean, they don't seem to be in a bad state.

That's what you're talking about, man.

They're all fucking zombied out, all fucking strung out all over.

Again, I think you're thinking of the Swedish show.

No, I'm not.

No, I mean, it's like.

Yeah, you're thinking of Amsterdam.

Where's Amsterdam at?

Oh, yeah, Amsterdam.

Where's that at?

That's in Denmark, isn't it?

What?

No, it's not in Czech.

It's in Denmark.

It's a totally different country.

Do you see what I deal with week after week?

What do they make?

Did they make chocolate over there?

What?

What do they make?

Clocks, right?

They're known for clocks.

Again, Switzerland is known for.

Sweden is known for cowards.

That's it.

That's all they got going on.

Playing a cowardly game is soccer.

Amsterdam is in the Netherlands.

It's the capital of the Netherlands.

What's your drug laws over in Sweden right now?

That's right, correct?

That is right?

What?

Amsterdam's capital of the Netherlands.

Somebody, anybody?

I mean, I don't know.

Okay, I'll look up drug laws in Sweden.

I'll see why they all look like they're on.

But only 18% of the country.

How many people live in Sweden?

What's the population?

Don't keep going off.

Stay on your stats.

Don't go on.

Well, you were just asking about drug laws.

I'm trying to

stay on your stats.

I love the stats.

Let me give you a 8% you said or 18%.

18%.

Okay.

All right, you're talking about a country that has

an estimated population of, like, say, roughly 10 million people, a little bit less.

Okay, so, wow, that's so many people that don't believe in God.

Right.

So let me find the reason.

That's the way the world's going, though, won't.

I know.

That's why we're in the state we're in, brother.

Mm-hmm.

What state?

Shit state.

Yeah.

Shit town.

Brown state.

Sequel to red state.

It's all about Swedes and their fucking lack of respect for God.

Kevin, read the script.

What's Kevin's reaction if you give him a fucking

160-page

Brown State script?

45% answered that they believe there is some sort of spirit or life force.

All right, that's better.

Now I'm starting to feel like they're not a lost cause.

Okay.

34

for Sweden yet.

Yeah, 34% answered they do not believe there is any sort of spirit, God, or life force.

34?

Yeah, 34%.

So out of 10 million, you're talking 3.4 million people are like, fuck it, there's nothing.

Yeah, we know what their god is, though.

It's the fucking needle.

Yeah, they are a bunch of junkies.

I guess.

Let me see.

Well, Sweden has given us ABBA,

right?

Yeah.

That was an import we adored.

Yeah.

We worshiped for a little while.

Then we threw it away when we got tired of it.

Totally forgot.

Ingwe's from Sweden.

Who?

Ingwe Malmey.

Inve Malmstein, yeah.

I don't know who that is.

It's one of the most influential neoclassical

metal guitarists.

That's height of popularity would have been 85.

Yeah, probably

nine.

Yeah, it's not exactly 60.

Any other stats that would

be Sweden?

We're still talking about Sweden.

I'm trying to find their drug rules.

So who are the Swiss then?

Switzerland.

And they make...

It's been like four times.

And

they make chocolate and clocks, right?

Wooden shoes.

That's Denmark again.

Oh, the chocolate clock?

No, the wooden shoes, people.

Yeah.

That's all they got over there.

Aren't they all basically the same region, though?

Kind of.

Chocolate clocks don't keep good time, but they taste good.

Yeah, delicious.

Man,

you're gonna have

a Swedish drug law.

What about Swedish fish?

Oh,

that's a candy, right?

They've got that market fucking.

I can't imagine anybody listening at home right now wants to continue listening to this episode.

Okay, no, they're going to want to hear this because

this is the stupidest shit I've yet.

Let's, uh, Walt, I think you're going to really like this.

This is going to bolster your confidence in Sweden even more than their

belief in spirits and life forces.

Cocaine, ecstasy, and even cannabis are rarely seen in the streets and clubs, in line with Sweden's official zero-tolerance approach.

The overarching goal, a society free from illegal drugs.

That's their goal?

Yeah.

That should be America's goal.

No, it should not.

Well, there's another way to get that goal and make all drugs legal.

How?

Yeah.

I mean, how?

Yeah, if you just make them legal, then there's no illegal drugs.

Drugs.

I will call you Colonel Q from now on.

I like your platform.

That is the Colonel's official platform.

Legalize all drugs.

Yeah.

Let's see.

Every other Swede, okay, this is 2008.

A majority of the population supports the strict policy.

Every other Swede said that possession or cultivation of cannabis for personal use should be punished with prison.

And six in ten believe that a total war on cannabis,

which was defined as arresting and jailing all dealers and users, was the best tactic.

What a bunch of fucking pussoles.

I can't imagine ever going to Sweden.

And I don't even smoke weed, but my God.

Like, these are adults who should be able to do whatever they want.

And the fucking Netherlands is right across the river there.

But

that's the way they want their country to be, though.

Well, some of them do, yeah.

Right across the river, you can do all the weed you want.

Where?

In Amsterdam.

Didn't Sunday Jeff Gunner?

Well, he could leave his hotel room, remember?

I don't think he ever actually was there because he was like on American soil when he was there.

So technically he was

never left America.

Let's see.

The latest data shows the number of Swedish adults between 15 and 64 who had consumed cocaine during the last year was almost five times smaller than the biggest consumer, Spain.

Spaniards fucking coked out.

So I really got to apologize to Sweden.

I had my S countries confused.

Right.

What you thought you thought that Sweden was a shithole country?

I'm sure that's the first time they ever heard that.

They're like, what?

Seriously?

No.

I was only my S countries like Switzerland, Sweden.

I wasn't sure Denmark, you know, I wasn't sure what I was talking about.

I spoke off the cuff as usual.

It came back to bite you.

I'd like to apologize to Sweden.

It sounds like it's my kind of country.

Okay, do you want to hear how take you?

You want to hear how strict the Swedes are?

Yes.

Boisterous eight-year-olds who are as high as kites from eating sweets were hauled back to to earth with a bump when police in western Sweden got wind of the wild party.

And I guess the kids were going crazy.

So the cops came in.

How old are the kids?

Eight to ten.

The cops came in.

It turned out to be an eighth birthday party.

It spiraled out of control due to excessive sugar intake.

After speaking to parents and confiscating the sweets, the situation calmed down.

I swear I'm not reading this from the onion.

A picture shows, yeah, there's a picture with four kids with their hands hands

against the police car.

I mean, sugar is not classified as a drug in Sweden, but its consumption is thought to

have a hyper-activating effect on young humans, only mother of God.

It's a fucking police state.

Sounds like I shall be vacationing.

You're going to retire in Sweden?

But is sugar considered a drug in any part of the world?

I don't think so.

Not that I'm aware of.

You know it is, though, right?

It is a drug?

It's a stimulant.

It's a drug.

It's addictive, though, sugar.

We've known that.

Yeah.

I mean,

I don't know.

They should have a zero-tolerance policy towards sugar, I guess, too.

I'm like,

what's with this?

I need to hear from a Swedish aunt.

Like, what the fuck is it like living over there?

Like, looking over your shoulder, you put a little, put too much sugar in your coffee, and the Swedish police are cracking your skull.

What were you going to say?

None.

I was like, we got an ad, a pressing ad.

Oh, this is, yeah.

This is so pressing.

It's not even the one you're thinking of, Ry.

Oh, it's not.

What are you guys talking about?

I'm getting text after text after text.

From who?

Declan.

Please, please, please.

Okay.

Please, please, please.

Mention my creakystudios.com training courses.

For fuck's sake.

All right.

No, he's right.

He's right.

Please.

There's only three steps.

Nobody knows about them.

You're talking about kiddos.

Well, you guys are making fun of them, but they're actually pretty good.

Have you taken one of the courses?

I knew it all, but I've talked to people who've taken them.

Is there like a graduation ceremony at the end of the course?

Everybody putting their tassels on and

you should all be proud of yourselves.

You took an online course

and you all passed.

Does anybody fail?

As long as the check clears?

Good news is there's a part two.

You're all going diamond.

The courses cover recording, repairing, publishing.

Everything you need to get a podcast out online today.

From A to Z, it's covered.

After you take Declan's course,

there'll be nothing left for you to know about the podcast industry.

It's 100% true.

I know it's not expensive, and I also know that using what he knows, he saved our ass, he saved Mark Maron's ass, he saved Jim Charmish's ass, like everybody's ass.

He's just saving ass.

He's saving ass all over the place.

Not slaying ass.

What do I do?

Not slaying ass.

Saving ass.

Is there a difference?

Sure, when you're slaying ass.

I've never heard that phrase.

Really?

Yeah, he's like out there getting all sorts of girls and shit.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

I've never heard of that.

Yeah.

Slaying.

Look at that guy.

He's looking at the slaying ass, dude.

No.

No.

It's true.

I don't know.

Well, I mean, I guess.

Well, to be fair, nobody would ever say that within earshot that talking about me, so that's why I probably never heard it.

I won't be giving any courses in slaying us.

That's for sure.

You want to hear where you got to go to sign up?

Because there's only three spots left, people.

Go to creekystudios.com slash training.

Again, three coveted spots left.

I mean, they go quick.

And look, if you want to start a podcast, like this is the guy to go to because then he also helps you out afterwards, too.

Yeah, and you can make fun of him.

And what can he do about it?

I think Ming's going to join for one of those courses, he told me.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, just a refresher, just thinking about make sure he stays sharp.

Keep sharp, yeah, exactly.

He stays on top of all the cutting-edge.

Oh, I gotta stay frosty.

You know that.

You're in the right place, boy.

I know how

everyone loves these Blue Juice ads.

Walt, a lot of times I hear that people fast-forward through the regular content just to get to them.

This is an announcement I get hot off the press from Tom Mum.

Tom Mum.

President of Blue Juice.

They want to thank the ads for rallying and giving over a thousand likes on their Facebook page in only a week.

Wow.

I would have thought we would have been able to motivate more than a thousand, though.

I mean, that's still good.

I'm not going to do that.

No, he does know that.

But, like, you know.

You're disappointed a little.

Like, it should have been more than a thousand.

I'm hoping that, you know, that they can find it within themselves to go look up Blue Juice on Blue Juice Comics on Facebook.

And maybe we can get maybe a thousand more would just be so nice.

Just to show them what we're what it's a like

two seconds, right?

Yeah.

And most people are on Facebook anyway, right?

I don't know.

I'm not.

I'm not.

What does it, yeah, me neither?

But what is a like

Charlie Cov's cousin?

You're on you're on Facebook.

Yeah.

And when you put something up and

somebody likes it.

I didn't know she wanted to be identified.

Okay.

I heard that they got the don't like button on Facebook now, right?

Is that true?

Maybe.

I don't know.

I've won a lot.

Oh, okay.

Really?

I thought you were like, you're what, 21?

Yeah.

I thought you would have your finger on the pulse of this stuff, man.

Facebook's not for.

I thought that was like your daddy's social media and Facebook.

So, what's the matter?

Oh, yeah, it's like your mom being like

the virtual obituary column, like older people.

Oh, yeah.

Do you wear mom jeans, Kevs, cousin?

Ever?

Is there a young hip social media site or no?

I go on Instagram.

That's what I hear.

Instagram is all the rage now.

That's blue juice on Instagram.

I'm sure they are, right?

They're very photogenic guys.

Yeah, but they but it doesn't have to be photos of the of the president.

It could be photos of all their all their wonderful art.

They need a blue juice model.

Oh, you mean stuff like

that's what they need.

The blue juice model?

Yeah.

How would you like to would you like to be the blue juice model?

Sure.

Okay, you heard it.

I mean, if you're going to have a face of that company, it's not going to, it should be one of those guys.

It should be Emily here.

Get him.

She's earned it.

Oh, get him.

You think get him over Emily?

Well, I mean, you sell comics, so yeah, remember back in the day

when you used to go to Comic-Cons.

This is back in the day.

Oh, they still do it.

And they would have like booth babes everywhere.

Yeah.

And they don't have that anymore.

Yes, they do.

Not in the biggies, not in the big cons.

What are you talking about?

You've been to the big cons?

I go to San Diego every year.

You walk the floor?

Yeah.

No booth babes no more.

In New York City, they never had them.

Wow.

Booth babes are gone.

You know what?

It should have been

like stricken from

why it's bait and switch.

It's like it's like it's it has nothing to do with the quality of the book.

Come here, boys.

And then you get over there, and it's like some shit book on the counter.

Your book should sink or swim based on the quality of the content inside.

So you say how hot your booth, babe, is.

Yes.

That's pretty sound.

So Emily's fired.

Yes.

Sorry, Emily, you're out.

Blue Juice just fired you.

The way they want to thank the

ants for giving all those likes is to offer 20% off their entire catalog of the Accelerators and Bonnie and the new Ether and Empire.

Q, all you have to do is go to shopbluejuice.com and enter the code T-E-S-D at checkout, and you're going to get 20% off all their stuff.

You said shop with a P, right?

Shop.

Okay, because it sounded like you said shot.

Like shop.

It did sound like you said shot.

All right.

I would never want to confuse that because this could fucking bury these guys.

Shop.

Yes.

20% off.

That's a nice little.

It's a nice little discount.

There is a comics.

Accelerators is good.

I am surprised that that hasn't been made into a movie or a television show yet.

It does have all the

markings on the TV show, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It does.

I could see it.

But you need to be aware, you cannot pay in likes.

I think they expect cash.

They want real money as much as they dig their likes.

What does a like mean on Facebook?

You, do you know?

Like, is it just.

yeah, she doesn't know either.

Nobody seems to know.

I don't know what it is.

It's just like showing appreciation, but it's a little bit sloky.

Okay, so all right.

So it's like following somebody on Twitter almost.

Okay.

Okay.

That's it.

They want people to follow them.

Well, no wonder if people aren't liking them, right?

So they, oh, okay, so then they'll be inundated with stuff that they like.

And they thought they could like it a one-time thing, but it's not a one-time thing.

Now you're getting pounded with Blue Juice bullshit all the time.

Well, it's not.

If you're in the comics, though, it's not bullshit.

I'm just kidding.

Yeah, I mean, if you're going to follow any company, uh a comic company, you want to.

These guys these guys, I like I said, I've always admire their um

just their model, their business model.

I love their they've got moxie, these kids.

Yeah, their enthusiasm, their energy.

I have never, ever, ever thought anything but like admiration for what they what they

have achieved already and what I think they will achieve

at some point.

My feeling is they should all be colonels.

You don't just get that, bro.

Colonel Tom Mum.

Colonel Ronnie Porto.

All right, so that's Blue Juice.

Sweet.

Did any of you guys see

Squad?

Squad.

Yes.

What'd you think?

You liked it?

I did.

Really?

Yes.

Oh, I got you.

What was that?

I liked it.

Yes.

I thought the first half hour was so good, and then I was just like, I don't even know what the fuck's going on anymore.

I really want to ask you this.

Don't

did you like the Joker, or you were like, fuck this.

Honest opinion, I liked the Joker.

I did not mind the camera.

I thought it was a different look.

You know, who he reminded me of?

Reminded me of Bowie.

With that stark green hair, like, reminded me of that stark orange hair.

Super skin and pale as a ghost in the suits.

He reminded me of Bowie a lot, like early 70s Bowie.

That makes a lot of sense.

I got to say, I liked him.

I liked him too.

I ripped on him.

Oh, really?

He's taking it hard.

He's taking it on the Joker.

People said he was barely in it, which

I thought he was a movie.

Yeah, but I thought he was in it enough.

Like, the way I was led to believe was that he pops up in a scene or two.

But he's really, like, spread out throughout the movie.

And I was just glad that we saw a take that I had never seen before.

I agree.

Like, I didn't want a rehash of Nicholson

or Heath Ranger.

Like, it was a totally different take.

And you may not agree with it or think it looked cheesy, but I kind of liked it.

I was like, hey, I get it.

I felt it was strange that they focused on so many helicopter crashes.

How many helicopter crashes were in that movie?

You could have cut the budget by fucking $10 billion by cutting out the goddamn unnecessary helicopter crashes.

There was no less than three helicopter crashes in a half hour, right?

It was so weird.

And the first one, like when they get shot down, it meant nothing to the story.

Like they get shot down.

They just dusted themselves.

And then they walk out and they don't even mention the helicopter crash again.

Or the pilots.

That's it.

It's crazy.

I was like, why did they fucking put these helicopter crashes in?

It looks like a lot was on the cutting room, Florida.

When she gets shot out, Amanda Walt, I mean, look, we're going to minus both.

When she gets shot down in her helicopter, I'm like, why did her helicopter go down to street level?

I was like, because they rescued her, and then instead of taking off and flying away, she fucking goes down in between the two buildings down the thing, and that's where they shoot her.

And I was like, why the fuck would a helicopter go an inch off the ground?

It makes no sense.

I couldn't believe it.

The movie fell off such a cliff, man.

There was parts I liked.

There was parts I didn't like, of course.

But

I felt that the villains or the monsters in the city were so poorly done.

Like the ones with all the black berries on their face.

They looked like something out of Sid and Marty Croft.

And it looked

that cheap looking.

But everything else looked superb.

Why would you go with such cheesy-looking?

Double dose of disappointment because the rumor I heard was that they were fighting Star Or the Conqueror.

And that was going to be.

Oh, you were waiting for that?

And that was what I was hoping for.

And that was going to be the big surprise that they were going to have the fucking things.

And I was like, that is awesome.

And then it wasn't that.

And then I was like, well, why are you assembling a team full of shooters and fighters to fight a supermanatural element?

I'm like, I don't.

It made that, again, you're right.

It made no sense.

Like, if you're going to garner a team of superpowered beings, one, I'd pick some with fucking superpowers.

Harley Quinn doesn't have any power.

She has Captain Boomerang does not have superpowers.

Captain Boomerang does nothing.

It was a strange choice, but I'll say I enjoyed more of it than I disliked.

Yeah.

And

that made it okay for me.

I really love the Enchantress.

I love the way she moved.

Yeah, that was.

Her body, the way her body movements were.

It looked like something alien.

That looked cool.

I thought he was good as Dead Shot.

I liked him.

The joy on his face when he gets his hand on his gun for the first time.

Right.

And I was like, that was cool.

But then I just felt like it just went.

I thought the Batman scenes were awesome, too.

Anything with Batman was good again that's all in the first half hour yeah yeah once they get into the city you're just like you're like what's going on I didn't even understand what was going on and then when they're like

their mission I wasn't clear on at one point I turned to Stacey and I was like what are they who are they going for I was like I don't get they did it in a flashback right they showed you what happened like uh that

no they they did the reveal when they broke into the room and she was in the room and you found out that they were rescuing her oh yeah yeah but they never made it clear that they were even rescuing someone I was just like I don't don't know what's going on right now.

It's just very confusing to me.

Got to make another one, right?

At a box office or that.

I've made so much money, yeah.

And there's a good movie to be made with these.

A better movie.

A better movie, yeah.

Did you see Ghostbusters yet?

I have not seen Ghostbusters.

I don't think you can now, right?

I bet you it's a good one.

I've probably got to wait for a home video.

Yeah, yeah.

I think you missed out on that one, buddy.

I don't know.

I don't know if I did.

I think you're going to come back to the table and be like, I wish I had seen this on the big screen.

I hope so.

Did you hear about one of the Ghostbusters was taking it also, like she had to flee social media?

Oh, the black lady?

Was that the actress?

Yeah, Leslie, something like that.

Yeah, but you hear what they just did to her.

They broke into a personal account, put her passport and her driver's license and naked photos of her online.

What?

Yeah.

That seems fair.

Isn't that fucking crazy?

Like, for what reason?

Well, who did that?

The internet was that angry?

Yeah, the internet was that.

Well, I heard it was Hope Solo that day.

I'm not saying she deserved it for doing this, but I think that the reason she became a target is because she was very vocal in the whole,

you know, sexism, like, shut up, shut up, like, just excitement.

Shut up, internet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I think

it was like, oh, shut up.

How about you shut up?

Right.

Wow.

It's pretty fucking crazy what they do.

Do you think they can catch the persons or person who's?

I don't think they'll ever catch them, and I don't even want to comment on it anymore than I already have, in case those people are out there listening to this.

You know what I mean?

Look, I'm sure they had their reasons.

I don't know who they are, but

come on, Swedish.

You fucking coward.

Anyone want to choke the clock?

Colonel Brian Q and the nude.

The Colonel takes no stance in this matter.

Yeah, come on.

I mean, you think they'll go after who they'll think they'll at least try to find out who did it?

I hope so.

I hope so.

They figured out who broke into all those celebrities' phones and stole their nude pictures.

This is why

all my dick pics are Polaroids that I mail.

You don't really have

anything on your phone that you would want that you don't want the public to see, do you?

No, not at all.

In fact, I thought I lost my phone yesterday, and I wasn't even concerned.

I was like, yeah, I'll just blank it, and that's that.

It won't be a big deal.

I have nothing.

I've got some text between me and Giddam that I don't know if I want the world to see, though.

Yeah, could you imagine you got hacked?

Wouldn't it be crazy?

Why did you throw away Mike's pictures?

I already told you.

Or Giddam just drops the N-word every other fucking day.

No, no, no, no.

There's nothing scandalous, but just, I think people would be like, I can't believe they talked about a game show for three hours on Laud Via Text.

One of the funniest things.

Who's crazy now?

One of the funniest things I heard all week was Jay and his wife Jordan were here.

for a couple days.

Right.

And Jordan was in the store.

She's back here by the poker table, and Giddam was up front, and And she's looking at him.

She goes, She goes, Is that the Giddam?

Totally straight-faced, like

not aware that it wasn't a title like the Colonel.

I got to hang out with her.

I like Jordan so much.

She's awesome.

She's such a good, good person.

Yeah, she's great.

She's a good egg.

All right, so we got real ads now.

Almost as great as Touch of Modern.

If you like Jordan, you'll love Touch of Modern.

Yeah.

Have you ever wanted to be the envy of your group, Q?

Like, you're the envy of the Impractical impractical jokers?

Yep.

Okay, well, these guys don't know this, but they've got the

inside scoop.

Oh, for fuck's sake, I can't even pretend.

They got the latest.

They got a bunch of bullshit you don't need.

We've talked about this already, but it's cool.

You don't need it.

But do you really just buy everything you need?

Of course not.

No, I mean, if everybody bought only stuff they need, stores like, say, Hot Topic would be out of business and stuff like that.

Right.

It's funny, you should say Hot Topic, Kev's cousin.

She doesn't look like a a hot topic girl, though, right?

Like, you would expect her to be tatted up and like

goth.

You kind of look like a Disney character, actually.

Yeah, you do.

You got like big eyes and a big smile and shit.

Yeah, well, she's got a nose ring.

Yeah, they can airbrush that out for Disney, though.

Well, then,

yeah.

A lot of those people at Hot Topic look like, especially the older ones, like, oh shit, I shouldn't have made all those choices.

Yeah.

Right.

The gauge.

What do your ears look like?

Let me see your ears.

No.

How is That was not my hot topic.

I walked in.

You walked in?

Wow.

Like the gauging of the ears is one of those things that I always feel people are going to regret eventually when they're like, all right, well, I'm not in my 20s anymore.

I'm in my 40s, right?

And now I have this giant hole the size of like a mini donut in my ear.

You got it surgically repaired, right?

Yeah, you got to get it like sewed back up.

Did your brother have it?

And what was the process on that?

But did he have to have it surgically now?

It just proposed.

No, he just has holes in his ears.

No.

Touch modern.

They scour

the globe.

They misspelled scour.

For unique design-focused products to elevate your style.

When you're writing copy, you should know how to spell scour, right?

S-C-O-U-R?

No?

Yeah.

Is that how they spell it?

No, they

are.

They spell it S-C-O-W-E-R.

Come on.

Well, you know what?

They got so much cool shit they don't care about spelling.

Call to action.

You really scraped the bottom of the barrel for that, right?

But what either way, they're just, let's get into it.

Is that a touch of modern?

It's a website with a bunch of cool stuff on it.

Yeah.

It's a bunch of stuff that's cool.

Let's see.

There's loads of new sales launching every day, literally, which they misspelled literally too.

Jesus Christ.

I don't think they sell dictionaries at

suchamodern.com.

If they did, they would be the most

ones ever.

Get your shit.

You can improve your lifestyle in a single click, Walt.

And you can get immediate access to these deals

when they sign up at

touchofmodern.com.

All right, do you want to hear the slogan?

Yeah.

That's touchofmodern.com.

Do it today because tomorrow it'll be different.

That's how life rolls in the fast lane.

Do it today.

No, wait.

Do it today.

Would you consider it?

Because tomorrow.

Yeah.

It'll be different.

I'm sorry.

We're still going to do it.

That's how life rolls in the fast lane.

Have you ever been in the fast lane?

I'm sure you have, right?

I think there have been times in my life where I've been like, I've never been in the fast lane, man.

Ever.

I think there are faster lane.

I think I've been in the medium lane.

I mean, I know there's always faster lanes, but at least you've been in a lane that, you know.

I'm not in the right lane with my blinker on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's where I've been.

Your whole life?

That's what you're doing.

You're trying to get there now.

Oh, it's easy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's very easy to do.

I'm hoping in five years I'll just, like, that's what I'll be doing.

Life in the slow lane?

Rife in the slow lane.

What's it like to be in the fast lane?

Well, not like, like, I've been in faster lanes than I am, and now it's a lot of fun, Won't.

Is it like the Eagles, say?

You're wondering if he's ever lived like a 70s rock star?

I mean, I'd stop short of that.

I've been in the Staten Island Fast Lane.

Let's put it that way.

Well, I know that lane can be pretty

scary too over there, but you know.

What is the Fast Lane?

Maybe I've been in the Fast Lane.

We've been in the Fast Lane together a couple of times.

Getting drunk and younger.

Shenanigans, Falderal.

I mean,

I used to go into Manhattan to drink and party four nights a week in my 20s.

I used to go there all the time and just go out.

I used to not leave my my house to go out till like 11 midnight.

Really?

That's when my night would start.

That's when you started carousing.

That's when we were like.

We were carousing.

Yeah.

Both.

Cruising.

Carousing.

We would stop cruising at like 11 o'clock.

Are you saying cruising or carousing?

Carousing.

I like to.

It's a

combination of both words.

I mean, that's life in the fast way.

You know, an apology to the Trump modern.

I'm sorry, I need a dictionary.

You word snob.

What was the one you did last week?

There was a word you did last time that was so funny to record i know but the there was one word you did i can't remember what it was so your night would begin at 11 a.m it was under you if like your friends would call and you're like hey you want to go out and you're like it's eight o'clock yeah going out at eight o'clock well we'd be like you want to you want to meet at uh at so-and-so's house and just like do some pre-drinking get there around 10 drink drink do some shots some cheap free shots and then get out leave at 11, get to the bar or the club by midnight, and then you'd go to like four, five in the morning.

So you're just calling it a night at eight o'clock.

This is in my 20s.

Right.

This isn't now.

Okay, so in my 20s, so if let's let's paint a picture here.

Yeah, so if I was to be like,

I am going to go to Walmart,

I'm going to pick up

a couple things I need.

Maybe, maybe, maybe if the traffic's not too bad, maybe I'll hit, or maybe I'll hit Ruby Tuesday, but I want to be home by nine.

Yeah.

What are you doing then

on that same evening?

I'm pitying you.

Maybe playing video games.

Oh, you're not out.

You're not clubbing.

No, in your 20s.

In my 20s.

You're not clubbing at 9 o'clock at night?

You're not up until 2000.

Oh,

you're just getting out of here.

I'm just killing time until it's time to go out.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I thought you'd be sleeping the previous night off at 9 o'clock at night.

At night?

Yeah.

No.

Like, you just slept from 7 a.m.

till 9 p.m.

Like a vampire.

No, no.

That's unconscious.

That's not sleeping.

14 straight hours.

I mean, you haven't done it?

No, I haven't done that.

You haven't been unconscious for 14 hours?

Usually I get up like two in the afternoon after a day like that.

Yeah.

And then have my rice krispies and then

kill time till it's time to do it again.

Do it all over again, huh?

Do it all over again.

What about you, Cubs, Cuz?

You in the fast lane, the medium lane, or the slow lane?

No, I all I do is work.

All you do is work?

Yeah, and then I get home and maybe I like drink a little bit.

You drink alone at home?

Oh, cool.

That's kind of like in the medium lane a little bit, right?

What are you talking about?

That's like fucking the Autobahn to me.

No, you're wrong, Kevin's cut.

I've had a drink since,

what, 1980?

Probably 86 or 87?

87, probably.

Teetotaler.

How's that feel?

You're a better man for it?

I ain't missed missed a thing.

Not one thing.

You know, they pulled up recently, they pulled up season one photos of everyone and season, like, you know, this season.

I'm the only one who, like, looks virtually unchanged.

Oh, really?

Yeah, these guys?

How so?

Older?

Man, they look older.

It's five years.

Yeah.

We do that.

How does this happen, though?

I'm the only one who's been like a hardcore drug user over that time.

Well, I I mean, somehow still looks better.

That's the reason why.

That's how I have my youthful blow.

Five years ago, I looked 10 years older than you.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Yeah, remember how pale you used to be and just how fat you used to be?

Yeah.

You've lost a lot of weight.

You have like color in your face now.

Yeah.

Well, in all fairness, like the fat thing I'll account for, but the blood thing was a disorder.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

But like, you didn't take care of me.

How white I was, yeah.

White.

And then, like, you were just, like, distracted because you were just on those fucking pills and shit like that.

Like, it wasn't a little bit of a title.

What a treat it must have been for you guys.

Are we still doing Touch of Honor?

Yeah.

That's honest.

I was thinking, like,

I'm loath to bring them up because then I'll hear about it, but the

UK pods that we did, the Space Monkey stuff.

The only one I know what you're going to say.

I was going to say, basically, like, I was on a poor man's speed while I was taking Oxy and Adderall at the same time.

I thought the Leeds show was the only one that didn't work.

I still think you delivered in every show.

The Leeds one, I remember, being like, What the fuck's going on up here?

But

I don't know if that was you, it might have been the audience, too.

It was probably them.

Yeah, they didn't.

The bar was cool in Leeds that we did it in, but

it wasn't a good show.

Those will be coming out soon.

I just want to release the Leeds one.

We'll put them out except for Leeds.

Yes.

Oh, shit, cute.

Why not just put them all out?

Warts and all.

Was it that bad?

It's so hard to remember.

I remember walking away being like, we can't release that one.

Things were said that can never be.

No,

I don't think we called the Swedes cowards.

I think there was a lot of pauses and a lot of fumbling.

It just wasn't a good

thing.

I got bad news for both of you guys.

We've been recording for over an hour now.

There's a home burglary every 13 seconds.

So chances are both of your homes have been broken into.

Most happen in broad daylight.

Not at my house.

Not at your house, YQ, because you've got the ring of security kit, I bet.

Am I right?

You've got a security system up to Wazoo.

One of my cats just floarded, and I just, my phone just alerted me.

They did let you know?

Yeah.

Because if you're,

do you think other people...

Elena, you're a major celebrity, Q.

Probably the biggest one I've ever met.

Right.

So people are constantly trying to break into your compound, scaling fences, that sort of thing.

So, you need the ring.

The average guy, does he need the ring?

Yes.

Because the average guy, I'm sure, is dealing with bill collectors and process servers

and

other common scum.

But at the same time, when the welfare check gets delivered, they'll know, right?

Is what you're saying.

Okay.

Because

if you go to ring.com, T-E-S-D, you're going to get, what are you going to get?

Up to $150 off a Ring of Security kit.

This thing actually is pretty cool.

I'm not even kidding.

I have it.

I use it.

It's awesome.

Right.

You could be across the country and it's going to alert you if somebody's at your door.

Yeah.

And

you can be like, oh,

I'm in the bathroom

or I'm indisposed.

Ferris Bueller never would have gotten caught if he had this.

Remember, he had that tape playing over again?

Right with the fake mannequin.

Right.

Right.

If this technology was available then, Ferris Bueller would have never

principal.

He would have never faced Principal Rooney still would have got caught.

Wow.

For no problems.

Yeah.

If the ring was available then, he would have gotten caught sooner

taking pictures and shit.

What's up with that?

How do you work with that guy afterwards?

He did Deadwood after that.

Yeah.

And you don't hate him.

Like, I watch him, and I'm like, he's awesome.

I know.

I watched Deadwood.

Deadwood's great.

Yeah.

Ambulators.

Yeah, like, okay, so we do tell him, Steve Dave, and it comes out, like,

wasn't he taking pictures of naked young boys and shit?

He had a collection of photos, art photos, they said, of artsy-type stuff.

It wasn't like kids diddling each other.

Oh, okay.

It was like.

Tasteful.

Tasteful nudes.

Tasteful nudes of underage boys.

Of underage boys.

So there you go.

Make that with you will.

Right.

Ring, I wish you were invented a little sooner.

Jeffrey Jones.

I'm sure sure those little kids are proud to hear that they were tasteful photos.

I know, right?

So weird.

So, yeah,

ring.com slash T-E-S-D.

And it actually is pretty cool.

It is, I think, anyway.

And it's like well-made, too.

It's like a sturdy

product.

There you go.

All right.

Now, fucking Jesus Christ.

We're not even done.

This is fucking crazy.

This is long.

Blue Apron Q.

I saw that you signed up for it.

I did did sign up for Blue Apron.

Did you get your first box of

wonderful, delicious Blue Apron food?

Yes, I did.

And what was it?

What was the meal inside the box?

It was a potato, no chi

vegetable medley thing.

Did you say that right?

Nochi?

No cheese, ever.

Yeah, I don't think you're saying no cheese.

I think you're saying no chi.

Yeah.

Nochi.

We ain't making fun of that.

That's an Italian word.

I can't tell who you're making fun of that.

He's such a word snobby.

I know.

That's all he's got.

Let him have it.

But that's an Italian word.

Yeah, nochi.

And yeah, it was good?

It was fucking great.

Why didn't you do something on social media wise with it?

Why didn't you go online and say, I'm cooking the nochi?

Yeah, why don't you periscope yourself, cooking the nochi?

Hey, here I am, Colonel Q, I'm cooking the nochi, huh?

Look at me go.

That's what they want.

They'd rather have that blue apron.

That's what Mike Zapsic's doing.

All right.

He's periscoping for 45 straight minutes, fucking making this bullshit.

They love it.

They can't get enough.

If Apron wants me to do a

periscope thing, then

they can call me.

I'll do it.

Can I come up and we'll cook something together?

Me and you?

Yeah.

All right.

I mean, come on.

We're not doing it for a fucking $1,000

split, 60, 60, 40 split

27 different people.

Yeah.

We're not doing it for that for fucking 10 bucks.

Come on, Blue Apron.

You're going to have to pony up if you're going to.

I'd rather just pay for the fucking nochi.

I love this about Blue Apron, though.

This really.

We could broadcast it through Ring, I bet.

Right?

We're going to cook it on my front porch.

We're going to cross-promote, yeah.

We'll barbecue.

Q,

I know you're going to love these points that Blue Apron wants to get out to the public.

Go ahead.

I'm going to love it.

Seafood is sourced sustainably under standards developed in partnership with the Monterrey Bay Aquarium Seafood Watch.

Beef is raised humanely.

Chickens run,

well, free-range,

which I assume means they run around on a range.

I've actually heard that's a scam.

I don't know if they're running that scam, but pork is raised naturally rather than unnaturally.

Regenerative farming practices are used for produce.

Okay.

How do you raise a pork unnaturally?

Like in a

cage or something?

Like you just put them in a pen and that's unnatural?

Are they free-range swine?

We should find out.

Does that

you got to love those things about you got to love a company that cares about

the animal kingdom too.

Yeah.

Before they slaughter them.

Let me tell you this, Q,

because you're a lonely man.

Cooking together builds

together builds strong family bonds.

Research shows that blue apron families cook nearly three times more often.

So, as you're ordering your takeout

alone, yet again, 90% of it is Crown Palace Chinese food on Staten Island.

Right.

But I like that you're getting into this nochie stuff because now you're more likely to attract a mate, maybe have a kid.

Well, let me tell you why.

Building family bonds.

Let me tell you this.

Going to the supermarket is a fucking nightmare.

What are you talking about?

That's a Friday night for me.

Yeah, that's life in the fest late.

That's tomorrow night.

What are you talking about?

I'm looking forward to it.

Drive the fuck up.

That's the best part.

The parking lot.

Yeah.

The humanity.

I soak up the humanity.

Oh, my God.

What if you just grabbed the last Nochi and you reached for it at the same time?

Some of the secret that now the two of you are fighting over Nochi.

Right.

They're ramming you with that cart that fucking people drive on.

God forbid you go in the 12 items, the last line with 13 items.

Now you're getting screamed at and put down like you're an asshole.

Like

you are.

Right.

Really?

That extra one?

That extra item?

Believe me, yeah.

You're looking for like.

Sorry, Q, you're going to be yelling at you.

Hey, Colonel.

Yeah, Colonel or not.

Take it over to fucking aisle four.

This is an express.

Yeah.

Cocksucker.

I got to get home.

It's almost 7.30.

Or like you use one of those robot checkout things where you've got to scan things 50 times.

Or you want to buy some...

Are you intimidating?

God forbid you want to buy some fucking bananas.

Somebody got to know the banana code, and if you don't, you got to go into the sub-menus to look it up.

Like, what the fuck?

I could just go on blue blue apron and tell them to bring it to me at my time that I tell him to be there, and I don't even have to open the door.

The colonel

command it.

That's it.

Just leave it.

I don't even want to see the person deliver it.

Order is coming from on high.

The colonel wants no cheek.

You know what you got to look forward to in August, Q?

What's that?

Spiced pork burgers with goat cheese and cucumber corn salad.

Oh, my God.

Summer vegetable.

You might like this.

Quinola.

Quinola?

Quinoa.

Quinola.

Quinola.

Bowl.

Fairy.

Fairy tale eggplants.

Fairy tale.

Shishishto, peppers, egg corn.

Is that

shish?

Peppers and corn.

What the fuck did we all drink this week?

This is by far the worst we've ever been.

Chicken, tenga, tacos.

It's like half the shit.

You're like, what is this?

Summer squash and tomato salsa.

It's good, though.

That's really all that matters, right?

You might not know what it is you're eating, but

you know what it is.

And they give you the recipes for it, Walt.

Yeah.

That's the thing.

Like, then you're not sitting there with

a fucking Gidam's dinner mate with your head up your ass trying to figure out out what's settling big time.

Yeah,

you're just like night after night, just looking across the table at this fucking idiot.

You think he complains about Walt over dinner?

Oh, death, a hundred percent.

Yeah, right.

You know what he said today, you know what he threw away today.

Check out this week's menu.

Get your first three meals free with free shipping.

Free shipping by going to blueapron.com/slash T

E

S D

Blue Apron.

A better way to cook.

It's true.

They've got to hook up with Touch a Modern.

Their slogan is better.

Blue Apron.

Yeah, Touch a Modern is too long.

You've got to work on that, you guys.

I guess that's it, right?

That's it.

Nice.

I don't think you ever said Tell them, Steve, Dave.

Yeah, we don't have one.

I'm going to say it right now.

Yeah, just say it, and I'll put it at the end of something.

Tell them, Steve, Dave.

I want to stop doing that anyway.

You're going to stop it?

No, I think.

Yes, let's stop doing that.

We don't need it no more.

Until people in the world.

We're moving away from Tell Em Steve Dave.

Okay.

I want to come up with it.

Let's come up with something different.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Let's just change it to TSD.

After 300 episodes, you know, maybe it's time for facelift.

We need to rebrand.

Yeah.

All right.

You like that better?

TSD?

We should have like a fucking guitar.

Like,

like some new openings.

Like badass.

Oh, no, never a new opening.

Like, what are you talking about?

Yes, let's fire Jay Sarge.

Okay, Sarge.

Get rid of Jacqueline.

Let's get that crew.

I hope these courses keep me afloat.

No, no, I don't want to change that.

I'm just saying, but like,

I'm tired of saying it?

I don't know.

Maybe, maybe we'll take a, maybe a, let's do a little ad, not an ad, but like a contest for a new ending

phrase.

Okay.

I'll tell you what.

And there's going to be a prize.

Yeah.

The prize is going to be, if your, um,

if your ending is picked, we'll give you, shit, I forget what model it is.

I'm pretty sure it's that, remember that recorder that Zoom gave us?

Yeah.

To give away?

It's a Zoom recorder, the H4.

H4, yes.

Yeah.

It's that one.

Let me look it up while we're talking about it.

That's fucking fancy pants, man.

That's a pretty sweet fucking prize, right?

We're going to give them a patch.

Did I say recorder?

I mean, we got to give it away because.

There's a doors locked on him clocked out patch now, too.

Yeah.

When did that come I've been retired.

I stumbled across that.

It's an okay patch because I don't have anymore, and I went with a new phrase on the new on the new patch.

Wow.

I've really been stringent with those.

You haven't even announced that on there yet.

Yeah, I kind of want to give them away.

So when the Blue Juice gets 10,000 likes.

Oh, that is a good patch.

Doors locked.

As soon as they get 10,000 likes, wait, what's going to happen?

When the Blue Juice on Facebook, Blue Juice Comics, gets 10,000 likes,

I will start to hand out

more willy-nilly.

The door is locked and I am clocked out, Patch.

So only 9,000 more likes is what we're looking at.

That's not a lot.

For patches.

For patches that most people will never get because they don't walk in.

So wait, here's the.

Okay, so they,

how are we going to do this?

What do they do?

They're going to email their idea in?

They can email their ID into

Creekycares at gmail.com.

Oh, I'm back in, I see.

That didn't take too long.

Creeky will be looking over the new ending phrase, and he will give me a list of the top 10.

Okay, then we'll decide on air who's going to win.

This is

okay, so it's the H4N

recorder.

They wanted us to record on it,

like do a podcast on it.

Oh, we did?

Yeah, well, this one could be.

Well, no, I mean, they know this one isn't.

Oh.

But you have to, because it has that built-in thing up top.

And

there's only two.

That wasn't the fucking H4N.

No,

that was basically a little voice recorder type thing.

That thing was like 80 bucks.

Yeah, it was from Zoom, but it's not this.

That thing's awesome, the little thing that goes in your iPhone.

No, he lost like nine of them already.

this is another one that they sent us it's just like a little recorder with like built-in

yeah it worked it worked really well

yeah they are uh no no shit like I would I would recommend zoom if anybody's gonna

so creaky cares at gmail sent if if you and if maybe if they and if the outcry to not change it you know if it's if it it deafens right the uh you know maybe we'll keep it though yeah I don't think we should change it oh you really don't think so no why would I don't get why we would

Contest is off.

Sorry, guys.

We want to keep it fresh.

But how does that make the show fresh?

Because people will tune in.

Like, I want to hear what the new phrase is at the end.

Okay.

Right?

I'm tired of hearing that.

So, wait, we're going to change it every single week then?

No.

But that initial one when we announce it, though, that'll be one of the most downloaded podcasts

in the history of potting.

All right.

We're going to blow out the fucking iTunes server.

All right, we can give it a try.

You know what?

Fuck it then.

Tell Tell them, Steve Dave.

Fuck it.

Sorry.

Fuck it.

Angerly says

the contest is over like that.

I've been living the life of the dawn.

Chained up for too damn long.

Left to fake in the sun, never figured out what got

wrong.

Make me sleep outside of life zone and downward sky.

Expecting to get the whip, life ain't nothing but a game in the ribs.

Look you in the eye, and I did my every day.

Too hope to learn, too goddamn proud to face.

Time to talk in the saddle behind.

Used to dogs life till somebody puts me down.

Been living the life of a bitch.

Roll up and take my list.

Keep me on the chain.

How many days will they remain?

You make me sleep outside.

My mind is on the downward slide.

Ready to get the whip.

Life ain't nothing but a kick in the rips.

Look you in the eye, and I lift my everyday lane.

Too old to learn, too goddamn fire to face.

Time to come to this hand on me now.

Just a dog's life till somebody puts me down.

Look you in the eyes, I just buy every day.

Too old for men, too guided by the faith.

Time to talk in a set and know

don't lie till somebody puts me down.

This has been a production of Smodco Internet Radio, sir, only at Smodcast.com.