TDS Time Machine | Trump vs. The World

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Honey punches the votes law perfecto depends on familia.

Conoju las crucientes and

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Además delicos trosos de granola, nuces y fruta que'todos vana disprutal.

Honey punches a votes for allos.

Today alban para saberamas.

You're listening to Comedy Central.

I have a whole script here full of important issues that I want to talk about, and I'm not going to let Donald Trump distract me with some crazy new idea.

This morning, a stunning proposal from an American president.

Donald Trump with the Israeli prime minister by his side declaring that the U.S.

will take over the Gaza Strip.

The U.S.

will take over the Gaza Strip.

We'll own it.

Okay, let me just ask, what?

And also, what?

President Trump made a surprising suggestion last night during a press conference with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

The United States, he said, should take over the war-torn Gaza Strip and redevelop it into something like a seaside resort.

We have an opportunity to do something that could be phenomenal.

And I don't want to be cute.

I don't want to be a wise guy, but the Riviera of the Middle East.

What the f?

Trump is gonna turn Gaza into the Riviera?

He couldn't even turn Atlantic City into a nicer Atlantic city.

If anything, they tore down so many of his casinos, he turned Atlantic City into Gaza.

But okay, he wants to rebuild it and he wants to turn it into Mar-a-Lago.

At least the Palestinians will have a place to go back to.

Donald Trump Trump calling for the permanent resettlement of roughly 2 million Palestinians.

I don't think people should be going back to Gaza.

I think that Gaza has been very unlucky for them.

And he says he's willing to use the U.S.

military to do it.

We'll do what is necessary.

If it's necessary, we'll do that.

Okay, just so I'm clear, your idea is to take over Gaza, rebuild it into Mar-a-Lago, and make sure that the Palestinians who live there can't go back?

That is the craziest thing he said since yesterday and until tomorrow.

Even his chief of staff was shocked.

Look at that, look at her face.

She looks just like she won Best Country Album at the Grande.

And of course, she's shocked.

He's effectively advocating for ethnic cleansing.

Who could possibly be okay with that?

You see things

others refuse to see.

You say things others refuse to say.

And after the jaws drop,

people scratch their heads and they say, you know,

he's right.

No, they usually scratch their heads and they say, what the f are you talking about?

Of course, Beebe is ecstatic at Trump's idea.

Look at him.

He looks happier than a teenager getting a hand job in the back of a birthright bus.

But Beebe aside, this proposal is giving a lot of people whiplash.

Trump ran his whole campaign on America first, and now he's out there chanting from the Riviera to the sea.

Even Trump's Republican allies aren't on board, although, of course, they have to let him down easy.

We're trying to get the details of it.

It was a surprising development.

Senator Josh Hawley says, quote, I don't know that I think it's the best use of U.S.

resources to spend a bunch of money in Gaza.

We also heard from Senator Lindsey Graham.

I think most South Carolinians would probably not be excited about sending Americans to take over Gaza.

I think that might be problematic.

Tom Tillis, likely with the quote of the night, which was, there are probably a couple kinks in that slinky.

There's a couple kinks in that slinky.

That's how desperate these guys are to not openly disagree with Trump.

They're just making up sayings now.

Of course, some of his supporters like Steve Juicy are trying to give Trump the benefit of the doubt.

It was a jawdropper last night.

The cover of the New York Post is we'll take over Gaza.

I think this is just the tipping, you know, this is the conversation starter.

Because obviously, the president knows when he says, we'll take Gaza.

He knows the United States can't invade another country.

Of course, America would never invade another country.

You can read all about it in Steve Ducey's American history book, Me Just Got Lobotomy by Steve Ducey.

So to summarize, MAGA people think this is dicey, their eyeballs think it's batshit crazy, and the entire plan is DOA unless Trump can do some real outreach to the countries in the Middle East and based on his response to reporters from Afghanistan I don't think he has the skills to do it.

Do you have any plan to change Afghanistan's situation?

I have a little hard time understanding you.

Where are you from?

Actually, it's a beautiful voice and a beautiful accent.

The only problem is I can't understand a word you're saying.

But I just say this.

Good luck.

Live in peace.

Good luck, live in peace?

Why does he sound like he's saying goodbye to E.T.

The people of earth wish you peace.

May your slinky have no kinks.

Remember during the campaign, Donald Trump made some big promises about how quickly and easily he was going to end that war.

If I'm president, I will have that war settled in one day, 24 hours.

I would tell Putin you got to settle.

I would tell Zelensky you gotta settle.

I would get a settlement in 24 hours.

No longer than one day.

I can get it ended as president-elect.

I will get it settled before I even become president.

I'm gonna do it back to the future and end this war before it even starts.

Go back in time, kiss my mom, maybe have sex with her.

What am I talking about?

What was I talking about?

So here we are, one month into that first 24 hours, and Donald Trump is finally ready to negotiate.

But it's going to be tough, which is why he started out with a quick warm-up negotiation first, an old-fashioned prisoner swap with Russia.

Let's see how it went.

Russia freed a wrongfully detained American teacher, Mark Fogel, returning to the U.S.

after more than three years in Russian captivity, imprisoned for carrying a small amount of medically prescribed marijuana.

In exchange, the U.S.

releasing Russian cybercrime kingpin Alexander Vinnick.

What?

You traded a cybercrime kingpin for public school teacher Mark Fogel?

This is like if the Dallas Mavericks traded Luka Doncich

for public school teacher Mark Fogel.

I mean, at least the teacher we got back is the cool teacher.

He smokes weed and he's been to jail.

I mean, you know, you know he's showing movies in fourth period.

Also, Americans, stop smoking weed in Russia.

If you need to relax, try not being in Russia.

Okay, okay, now that Trump got all warmed up, it's time for the main event.

This morning, President Trump pledging to meet with Russian President Putin in person after announcing they've agreed to start negotiations immediately to end the war in Ukraine.

President Trump saying, quote, I just had a lengthy and highly productive phone phone call with President Vladimir Putin of Russia.

We discussed Ukraine, the Middle East, energy, artificial intelligence, the power of the dollar, and various other subjects.

I'd like to know what those various other

subjects were.

I mean, it's a tad suspicious.

It's like a husband coming back from a Vegas bachelor party saying, yeah, we ate some great food, we saw the sphere, did various other things.

Anyway, you should get a prescription for Valtrex.

So, Trump has now set the stage for face-to-face negotiations with Putin on the future of Ukraine.

But Trump won't be going into this alone.

He also has Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, a man who does not take no for an answer, according to police reports.

So, get ready, Putin, because you're about to face the toughest negotiations of your life.

Pete Hegseth, speaking at NATO headquarters during his first trip to Europe, was blunt, saying Ukraine's long-sought membership in NATO isn't realistic.

Neither is thinking Ukraine can regain all the territory Russia has seized.

We must start by recognizing that returning to Ukraine's pre-2014 borders is an unrealistic objective.

Measures that will likely be welcomed by Putin, prompting questions about whether Trump is giving up his leverage to negotiate with Russia.

Speaking in unusually blunt terms, the German defense minister accusing the Trump administration of making concessions to Putin before these peace negotiations have even begun.

Okay?

So before negotiations even start, America gave up the two things Russia most wants?

I mean, how do Hankseth and Trump not know how to negotiate?

Between the two of them, they've been divorced 97 times.

I mean, if your opening move is giving away the house, the car, and the kids, best case scenario, you're leaving court with half of a golden retriever.

I mean, no one's going to be happy with that except for maybe RFK Jr.

But

I guess there's still plenty of stuff to negotiate.

For example, you know, which animal will Zelensky be fed to once the Russians take over?

Probably a lion, but could be a shark, you know?

There's room there.

Whichever animal it is, he'll probably fall out of a window.

Regardless, Trump is not going to go driving a a hard bargain on Ukraine's behalf, and that's fine.

But as long as Ukraine is an equal member of this peace process, they'll get some of what they want.

Do you view Ukraine as an equal member of this peace process?

Yikes!

That's like when my dentist asks if I floss.

It's an interesting question.

I gotta go.

Okay,

so this is not looking good for Ukraine.

Imagine not even being invited to your own peace negotiations.

It's like if your wife told you she wanted a threesome and then asked what night she'll be away on business.

Have so much fun, sweetie.

I'm strong enough for this.

It's okay, I had it coming after Vegas.

Now, you might think it's unfair to put Ukraine in this position after they were the ones invaded, but that's not exactly how Trump sees things.

I think they have to make peace.

Their people are being killed, and I think they have to make peace.

I said that was not a good war to go into.

Not a good war to go into?

They were invaded.

It wasn't their idea.

Little advice for the back of Abraham Lincoln's head: don't get hit by a bullet.

Not smart.

Look.

As we know, the Ukraine war began in 2022 when Putin invaded Ukraine on three separate fronts while launching missile attacks on Ukrainian cities.

Or as Donald Trump puts it, President Trump has made a series of false assertions blaming Ukraine for starting the war.

If you should have never started it, you could have made a deal.

That's an interesting interpretation in that it's not what happened.

In fact, it's the exact opposite of what happened.

And this has set off alarm bells for a lot of conservatives, including Brian Kilmead, Trump's buddy and the Joey Tribiani of Fox and Friends.

He tried to gently push back when Trump started to blame the destruction of Ukraine on President Zelensky.

You have a man who's led a country that had the most beautiful cities that demolished, had the most beautiful domes.

Those domes are the most beautiful.

But it's all Russia's fault.

But that's Russia's fault, though.

That's architecture.

Russia's fault is.

They're all demolished, a thousand-year-old domes, and everything's demolished.

But, Mr.

President, that's all.

That's Vladimir Putin's fault.

I get tired of listening to it.

He makes it very hard to make deals.

But look what's happened to his country.

It's been demolished.

But no, no, I hear you.

He's going to go to the bathroom.

But, Mr.

President, you know who's to blame for that.

Don't you think it's Vladimir Putin that did the invasion unwarranted to try to take back land they had no right to?

And don't you think fundamentally that's that?

And if you could just get now both sides want to talk, it seems, so we should just get to that point?

They only want to talk because of me.

But this is how off the rails Trump is.

His beloved Fox News is saying, Mr.

President, you sound crazy, and I believe DEI causes tornadoes.

And he's right, not about the DEI causing tornadoes.

We all know trans people cause tornadoes, but about this war.

Under Donald Trump, America has fully taken Russia's side, which means: are we the bad guys now?

Well, that didn't answer that.

But I think we might be the bad guys.

It's not just Republicans who are alarmed.

The entire continent of Europe is freaking the f out.

If the United States will help Russia take over Ukraine, who's next?

Poland?

Latvia?

Slovenia?

Slovakia?

Albania?

Estonia?

Yeah, I got a 97 in AP geography.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So, yesterday, Europe tried to get Trump back on its side by sending over its most charismatic Trump whisperer, Emmanuel Macron of France.

And right from the start of that meeting, you could really see how he let his scar down.

That is the most beautiful language.

I have no idea what he's saying, but that is the most

elegant, beautiful language.

Yeah, Trump just loves the French accent.

Probably because it's the native tongue of his hero, Pepe Le Pieu.

Something about that pervert skunk that Trump finds so relatable.

But Macron's accent gives him a lot of leeway to gently correct Trump every time he spews bullshit.

I mean, this war costed all of us a lot of money.

And this is the responsibility of Russia because the aggressor is Russia.

Europe is loaning the money to Ukraine.

They get their money back.

No, in fact, to be frank, we paid it.

We paid 60% of the total defaults.

And it was through, like the U.S., loans, guarantees, grants, and we provided real money.

Look at him.

Look at that smile.

The guy is smitten.

Usually if someone confronts him about being wrong, he takes away their security detail, but he's letting Macron do whatever he wants.

I think a sexy accent is his kryptonite.

I assumed it was vegetables, but

to be fair, it's not just Macron.

Trump was swooning over anyone with a sexy accent.

I want to know what is your idea idea about Italy if you want to make the same thing.

Can you talk a little louder?

You have a beautiful voice but Ida.

Where are you from?

Italy.

From Italy.

Oh I love Italy.

Oh,

oh Italy.

I love that restaurant with the grocery store attached.

Oh now.

Now tell me, which section are you from?

Fromaggio, produce, Self-Checkout?

By the way, Trump is the only person on earth who has ever asked an Italian person to talk louder.

Of course, as we saw last week, not every accent does it for him.

Sometimes it just confuses him.

Mr.

President, people in India would be welcoming your decision to extradite the Haburghana to

be worried.

Dude, come on.

If you don't understand what someone is saying, don't be rude and dismiss them.

Just laugh and go, oh my God, that's so crazy, like a normal person.

I mean, is Trump sure that he wants to be president?

Because this is the worst job in the world if you don't understand accents.

It's like working as an escort if you're still not 100% sure which hole it's supposed to go in.

Although, would that actually make you a great escort?

I guess we'll never know.

By the way, if you're wondering how tough Indian accents are for Trump, he had to get a translator for it.

Not for the language, for the accent.

It is evident that how the deep state of the United States was involved in regime change.

So what is your point of view about the Bangladeshi sorrows?

And what is the role that the deep state played in the situation in Bangladesh?

I can't believe Doge is going around looking for inefficiencies.

Meanwhile, Trump has an English-to-English translator.

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Americans are still trying to process the global realignment that has occurred following the disastrous Oval Office meeting between the President J.D.

Vance and Vladimir Zelensky.

What happened, they say?

Are we still America?

They say whose side are we on?

They say.

It's complicated.

The best way that I I can explain what happened and show Americans how to process this new reality was with another shocking turn of events from this weekend.

On Saturday night at the Elimination Chamber, the WWE shocked the world as John Cena turned heel, joined the Rock, and attacked Cody Rhodes.

Now,

if that does not immediately explain to you our current geopolitical climate,

you must have grown out of watching wrestling through the normal course of aging.

I, on the other hand,

understand

this in my bones.

This explains it, folks.

All of your shock, all of your disappointment, all of your anger, it's in there.

It's It's in the squared circle.

You see, Saturday night, oh, we're doing this.

Saturday night,

John Cena,

the good guy of professional wrestling, Mr.

Hustle, the champ, the man who stood for everything, truth, justice, the guy who literally holds the record for the most Make-A-Wish Foundation meetings of all time.

People would get cancer just to meet John Cena.

Last weekend, Cena flipped the script and went from being a face, a good guy, to a heel, a bad guy.

Now, if you don't follow professional wrestling, and I'm guessing if you watch this show, you do not.

Judging from, all right.

But let me continue to bore you with this metaphor.

So here's what happened.

The current WWE champion is one Cody Rhodes.

Seven people say around.

Cody Rhodes is the people's champ.

Unquestioned bravery.

He stands in for Zelensky.

in this metaphor.

A couple of weeks ago, The Rock, the now evil owner of the WWE,

Putin in our story,

made Cody Rhodes an offer.

The one thing that I want more than anything in this world

is that.

I want your soul.

Putin!

He wants Zelensky's soul.

Oh, but sir, but sir, I am smaller and weaker than you.

It will take incredible bravery for me to protect my soul and the soul of my people.

But luckily, I am not protecting my soul alone.

For I have the support of the great John Cena!

So,

Cody Rhodes, Zelensky, told Vladimir Putin, rock, no soul for you, mother f ⁇ er!

And that's when they met in the Oval Office.

America went to hug Zelensky, but when America looked up, somehow Putin had given John Cena the international sign for its time.

And rather than repudiate Putin, America smelled what the rock was cooking.

And through that borschti haze, America delivered the nutshot.

The nutshot to the hopes and dreams of Ukrainians everywhere.

And then for no reason, America jumped on Zelensky and started punching him in the face as many times as he could.

Too simplistic?

No?

This is it!

Am I being too simplistic, assigning to the delicate art of Realpolitik a scripted outcome?

Perhaps, but judge for yourself.

Putin broken 25 times his own signature.

25 times he broke ceasefire.

You're in no position to dictate what we're going to feel.

You're not in a good position.

You don't have the cards right now.

You're gambling with World War III.

You're gambling with World War III.

Have you said thank you once in this entire meeting?

We gave you, through this stupid president, $350 billion.

You're either going to make a deal or we're out.

This is going to be great television, I will say that.

It sure wasn't.

But isn't that what you want from the high-stakes diplomacy and real-life urgency that ending war demands?

And you know, even reporters got some nutshots in.

Why don't you wear a suit?

Oh, shit!

No, you didn't!

Let's do the dozens.

Oh, Zelensky, you're so poor and war-torn, you're down to one Brooks brother.

Oh, shit.

You've so war-torn, you've given up the meaningless protocols of business attire.

If you think I'm pushing this metaphor, look at the stunned faces in the crowd at WWE.

When John Cena turned heel.

I now present you the equally stunned faces of those watching this Oval Office pay-per-view.

Scott, I've never seen anything like that.

You've never seen anything like that.

Wow.

Just wow.

That was something.

Caitlin, I want to start with, look at her face.

I mean,

Christiane.

You broke Christiana Amenpour.

The woman wanders unprotected through Taliban-controlled Afghanistan.

Doesn't give a f ⁇

10 minutes of Trump diplomacy and she's like, is anyone else dizzy?

My A1C is plunging.

Now, of course, there is one big difference between the WWE and the world of politics.

In the WWE, they seem very clear on who the good guys and who the bad guys are.

Nobody walked out of the match pretending that the guy who got nutshotted was the bad guy.

There was this attitude of ungratefulness, seeing his smirk, seeing him roll his eyes, seeing him refer to J.D.

Vance,

the vice president, as J.D.

He shows up in his Equinox chic outfit to the doggone Oval office.

President Zelensky was also antagonistic and frankly, he was rude.

So impertinent, so disrespectful, tone deaf, going in and fighting back, getting sassy with the president.

And then he was sassy.

He was sassy.

He was sassy.

He was a real scallywag.

You know what I would say if I was there in the Oval Office with him?

I'd say, you better watch your tone, mister.

I think it was Churchill who during World War II was roundly criticized for being a bit lippy.

Excuse me, mister, we'll decide where you're going to fight them, whether it's on the beaches or not or whatever.

Poor guy, Zelensky, his nation was invaded.

He's against all odds, held off a much bigger army for three years.

And we're like, would it kill you to smile a little more?

Dress a little nicer, your beautiful country, nobody would know.

Show off what you got.

You know what I'm talking about?

Maybe some of those rare metals I've been hearing some about.

But of course, if you criticize Trump's very clear hostility to Zelensky, and very clear appreciation of Putin as being suspicious or a repudiation of American values as they've been outlined since World War II, Trump's people quickly set up straw men north of Richmond.

If there are no negotiations, what is the alternative?

Another four years of war?

We're not saying there should be no negotiations.

We're just surprised at the side you seem to be negotiating for.

President Trump recognizes the urgent need to end this war after three long bloody years.

President Zelensky has different aims in mind.

Yeah, bullshit.

I'm pretty sure everybody wants to, everybody wants to end all.

Hitler wanted to end the war, just not the way it ended.

You're pretending that

we have no other options.

Our hearts all break for the suffering and loss and death.

But you know what will be even worse?

World War III.

Yes, I'm sure your heart, in quotation marks, is breaking.

But in your little zero-sum formulation, you are correct.

Total capitulation by Ukraine, loss of all their mineral wealth, and no security guarantees is still better than World War III for now.

But you know, everything sounds better if the only other option you're presenting us is World War III.

You can listen to the Amelia Perez composer freestyle another

verse at the Oscars

or World War III.

Eventually,

you will agree to hear another verse.

Buy a hair.

These guys are so

up Trump's ass, they can't even admit that this meeting was Russia's wet dream.

The world is now watching how Trump behaves and acts when he's pressed.

I thought he stood up for America: that we're a good people, we want to help you, but we're going to be respected.

So I think my sky was probably more afraid of Trump than ever.

Yes, people get terribly afraid when someone viciously takes their side.

They must be quaking in their...

What do Russians wear in their feet?

I don't.

Is it shoes inside other shoes and then they get very small?

Until the last shoe that you take off is a tiny shoe and you're really, you're positive this has got to be the last shoe.

And then, but no, little baby tiny shoe.

baby

little baby tiny shoe

no let's you don't

you know what Putin must be quaking let's get the this is the actual Russian state television view on Russia's fearfulness

the new administration is rapidly changing all foreign policy configurations.

This largely coincides with our vision.

America said, do whatever you want.

It has nothing to do with us.

It's such a pleasure to watch.

Basically, he is taking our bread and butter.

We wanted to saw the Western world into pieces, but he decided to saw through it himself.

Not only are the Russians not fearful, they're fing delighted.

Do you know how hard it is to delight a Russian?

There's only two ways to do it.

Break up the Western Democratic Order or bear on roller skates.

It's the only two ways.

Or

social media dash cam death.

Three things, really.

Look, none of this is to say Zelensky handled this meeting well.

Everyone knows by now Trump's love language is subservience.

If he calls your wife ugly, you praise him.

If he calls you widow, you run his State Department.

And if you're a foreign leader who wants to be on good terms with America, you've got to butter Trump up like he's Texas toast.

British PM Kier Tharmer knows how it's done.

It is my pleasure to bring from His Majesty the King

a letter.

He sends his best wishes.

It's an invitation for a second state visit.

This is really special.

This has never happened before.

This is unprecedented.

And I think that just symbolizes the strength of the relationship between us.

So this is a very special letter.

That's how you do it, Zelensky.

It's a legend from the gig.

It's got a wax seal on it.

It was brought here by Harry Potter's owl.

What a delight.

The king is throwing you a ball.

You'll be the bell of the ball.

And then I'll sweep your chimney.

Zelensky shouldn't have gone in there with Russia hasn't abided by any ceasefire agreements, so we can't trust them.

He should have gone in there with a dessert cart and a Kyiv hotel opportunity.

So this meeting has deeply wounded America's alliance with Ukraine, as well as the rest of Europe.

And the punditocracy is having a hard time figuring out the strategy.

I worry that the president is actually not interested in a deal about Ukraine,

but I don't understand it.

The question now, Jim, is what happens in Europe?

How does this make America great again?

It just does not make any sense.

You poor dumb bastards.

It makes perfect sense.

If only you watched professional wrestling.

Do you get it?

It was

a heel turn.

I'll explain it again.

It was a heel turn.

designed to create the alliance Trump always wanted in the first place.

What's to understand?

Trump and the Republicans like Putin better.

Just listen to Putin.

The radical neoliberalism destroying traditional values, the obsessive emphasis on race,

modern cancel culture, it turns into reverse discrimination, reverse racism.

But they invented five or six genders, transformers, trans.

You see, I do not even understand what it is.

Share toilets for boys and girls.

Cats marrying dogs.

Will and grace reboot.

I mean, come on.

It sounds like Putin is primary Marjorie Taylor Greene from the right, a woman who, by the way, gives up the whole point of this realignment.

The Ukrainian government is attacking Christians.

Russia is not doing that.

They're not attacking Christianity.

As a matter of fact, they seem to be protecting it.

By bombing other Christians.

So everyone's wondering, why isn't Trump aligning himself with the West?

In his mind, he is.

Western civilization, not Europe.

To most of us, Russia is not that.

Because we, and historically everyone, has used the West to mean Western values.

Europe represents the expansion of liberties advocated by great Enlightenment thinkers like Locke, Voltaire, and Rousseau.

But to MAGA, this is Europe.

It's f ⁇ ing gay.

Super gay.

When MAGA talks about Western civilization, they mean the Knights Templar.

Still pretty f ⁇ ing gay.

I gotta say.

But excitingly so.

But that's the thing.

It's not democracy versus dictatorship or capitalism versus communism anymore.

It's woke versus unwoke.

And Russia is not woke.

They're very tired.

They're comatose.

It wasn't decided in a particularly volatile meeting on Friday.

You got to give credit where credit is due to MAGA architect Steve Bannon.

They've been working on taking out the EU for a while now.

It's a global revolt.

It's a zeitgeist.

We're on the right side of history.

The beating heart of the globalist project is in Brussels.

If I drive the stake through the vampire, the whole thing will start to dissipate.

And we'll call it the movement or the cause or something like that.

And that's literally when we take over the EU.

Holy shit.

What a concise, centrally planned social engineering scheme.

But here we are.

The end result of a scripted arc that culminates in America betraying its old alliance for the lore of a strongman partnership that carves up the world's rich bounties and places classic democratic values behind transactional convenience.

So say it with me, conspiracy theorists.

By design, it's a new world

order.

So Europe, sadly,

if I may.

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Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

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When the vice president and a high-level U.S.

delegation flies in tomorrow, there will be no big grand welcome, no American flags flying in the streets, and no photo ops with locals.

85% of Greenlanders do not want to be part of the United States, according to a recent poll.

Would you like to be American?

Oh, well, no, not really.

The leaders here have been clear: clear.

Greenland is not up for grabs, and the American delegation is not invited.

Wow, they're holding out signs that say Greenland belongs to indigenous people.

America is like, oh, you have no idea how much we don't care about that.

Here's some measles.

Now,

I mean, Greenland does not want to make America great again.

In fact, they want the opposite.

The idea prompting protests, along with a different kind of MAGA hat, this one reading, Make America Go Away.

Make America Go Away.

I do love the tone.

It's very bitchy.

I mean, they should make one that says, oh, seriously, America, just fing kill yourself already.

So basically, the people of Greenland really fing hate J.D.

Vance in particular, which means, as always, Donald Trump is right.

They really are ready to be Americans.

But Donald Trump is no average world leader, and Saudi Arabia knows how to cater to a man with such refined tastes.

Saudi Arabia had a McDonald's mobile truck come on site so that President Trump could have his favorite McDonald's.

Perfect!

Perfect!

Oh, I gotta say, it is nice to see they got another another use out of the horses once they were done with that unscrolled.

It's good to know.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

You gotta hand it to the Saudis, though.

They know the fastest way to Trump's heart is through his stomach, out the colon, with a little bit stain behind in his arteries.

You know, but not everything in the royal kingdom was to Trump's liking.

Now, after they arrived, the Saudis served some coffee, but while everyone else drank theirs, Donald Trump just held his in his hand the whole time.

Look at that.

Look at that, right?

It looks like he was waiting to give a urine sample to the nurse.

I get this.

Honestly, I get it.

Unfamiliar coffee on a trip is risky.

One sip is all it takes to go from traveler's constipation to travelers, you guys go without me, I'm going to hang out in the room for a while.

Smart move.

It's a smart move, Mr.

President.

You don't want to throw a wrench into that perfect gut biome you've created.

Now, that being said, that being said, Trump maybe regretted not taking that caffeine shot a few minutes later.

Mohamed bin Salman is saying we need a resolution on a Palestinian state.

And I don't necessarily recall several years ago, pre-October 7th, as that being a demand that he had necessarily stated publicly.

Do you think his position has changed?

Or do you think the way he has expressed himself has that changed?

Mr.

President, come on, you can't fall asleep there.

This isn't an intelligence briefing.

Come on, man.

Look, look, it's not actually a big deal for the president to have jet lag.

I'm not so much of an asshole that I make fun of someone for nodding off a bit on a trip.

But you know who is that much of an asshole?

Joe Biden, the guy can fall asleep instantly

with the press watching.

Who the hell wants to sleep with his paper watching?

And he's out cold.

You see the dribble coming down the side of his chair.

Well, well, well.

Look who's sleeping out.

Well, well, well.

I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what.

Joe Biden, you must be loving.

Oh, he's passed out.

Never mind, never mind.

Of course, it's in the Saudis' interest to give Trump the royal treatment.

But I'm sure the President of the United States understands that the Saudi crown prince is not without baggage.

Just a few years ago, that he murdered an American journalist, so I'm sure the president will keep a healthy distance from the crown prince.

I like him a lot.

I like him too much.

That's why we give so much.

You know?

Too much.

I like you too much.

Yeah, I agree.

You might like him too much.

It was a very nice start to this trip abroad, where he'll visit not just Saudi Arabia, but then Qatar and then the UAE.

But you might be wondering, why did Trump pick these countries for his first foreign trip?

Well,

there's a strong geopolitical balance of relationship.

I'm f ⁇ ing with you!

Corruption!

His sons, who now run the Trump organization, have lucrative real estate deals in the works in all three countries the president is visiting.

The Trump boys have projects in all three countries.

I never thought I'd say this, but

can't these countries go back to doing something more constructive like funding terrorism?

But

Donald Trump doesn't see any of these business conflicts as a problem.

In fact, if anything, he's taking conflicts to a new height, as in heights like

the sky.

We turn to the uproar over the $400 million gift from the government of Qatar tonight, a luxury 747 jumbo jet to be used as Air Force One until the end of Trump's term, when the White House says it would be decommissioned and donated to the Trump Library.

Yeah.

You know, I think we could stop pretending that this airplane is going to be transferred to his presidential library.

This is like the news reporting your aunt is bringing her good friend Linda to Thanksgiving.

They're lying cooter people.

That's what's happening, okay?

Look, now, apart from being a security concern and a potential bribe, it seems clearly unconstitutional to give the president a gift like this.

You know what?

What do I know?

Attorney General Pam Bondi, what say you?

Attorney General Pam Bondi says the gift is, quote, legally permissible and not a bribe because Trump isn't giving Cutter anything in return.

Just a quick fact check.

What did she do before she was the Attorney General?

We should point out that Bondi previously worked as a foreign lobbyist for the nation of Qatar, earning about $115,000 a month.

Oh, right, right.

That's a lot of money.

And money feels good to have and to spend.

So now I get it.

It's getting a little embarrassing watching Trump fly around the Middle East getting sword dances and free jets.

Nizi, is he going to do any actual policy stuff?

I will be ordering the cessation of sanctions against Syria in order to give them a chance at greatness.

Wow.

You know what?

I spoke too soon.

This seems like maybe, maybe, actually a good idea.

You know, Syria has just thrown off decades of dictatorship, and Trump thinks the new government deserves a chance to find its feet free of U.S.

sanctions.

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe I was wrong about this guy.

You know, he doesn't just think about himself.

Syria's new president, Ahmed Al-Shara, reportedly offered to build a Trump tower in Damascus.

God damn it!

God damn it!

I spoke too soon about speaking too soon!

But hey, you know what?

Good on you, Syria, whatever it takes.

And you know what, PBS?

Maybe you could learn a lesson from this.

Instead of whining about Trump cutting children's programming, have you thought of offering him a Trump Tower on Sesame Street?

You know?

Could be a win-win.

Let's kick things off with President Trump's meeting with the President of South Africa today.

And because it's Donald Trump, things got weird.

Death.

Death.

Death.

Horrible death.

Death.

I don't know.

What a host.

Death.

Death.

Death.

Hey, do you want a Diet Coke?

Yeah.

Death, horrible death.

Now the reason Trump turned this White House event into a murder podcast is that Trump is convinced that there is a white genocide going on in South Africa, which of course means there is no white genocide happening in South Africa.

It's not even mathematically impossible.

I mean you'll never run out of white South Africans when one of them is making 5,000 kids a week.

But still, Trump thinks there is one and you know he cares about it because he said white genocide.

It's like someone told him, hey, it's not just a a genocide, it's a white genocide, you know, the bad kind.

And Trump's like, oh shit, get him in.

But don't worry, South African president, there's a way out of this.

Cutter got Trump a plane.

What sweet, sweet bribe did you bring him?

I brought you a really fantastic golf

book.

It weighs 14 kilograms.

And it showcases the golf courses in our country.

Yeah, you fed that up.

You lost Trump at book and you

definitely lost him at kilograms.

If you really want to impress Trump, you should have given him one of your golf courses.

Then Trump would be like, hell yeah.

Sorry, white South Africans, if that's even a real thing.

Thoughts and prayers?

The real reason Donald Trump rushed home to Washington was to deal with the war between Israel and Iran.

And the big question was, was he rushing home to help negotiate an end to the war or to bring America into the war?

It's the most important decision a nation can make and one that we've whiffed on for the last like 10,

20,

30, 40.

It doesn't matter.

The point is.

The point is, it'd be really reassuring to know that the president has a clear and consistent plan.

So Mr.

President, are you looking for war or a ceasefire?

We're not looking looking for a ceasefire.

I didn't say I was looking for a ceasefire.

Oh, shit.

Okay.

He's not looking for a ceasefire.

We're looking at better than ceasefire.

Oh, great.

Yeah, better than a ceasefire.

Ceasefire Plus.

That's great.

I hate watching ads.

That's wonderful.

This is good news.

I'm glad you're going to negotiate with Iran.

I don't know.

I'm not too much in the mood to negotiate.

Okay.

All right.

Not in the mood, okay?

The president's not vibing on negotiations then.

So it's war, because who would negotiate besides you, Mr.

President?

He's considering sending the vice president to negotiate with the Iranians.

You know, I think this is fantastic.

J.D.

Vance is a great choice to negotiate.

The Iranians will agree to anything to get him the f ⁇ out of there.

You know what?

And it's great for peace because if Trump is negotiating, it sounds like we're not going to flatten Tehran anytime soon.

The president warned everyone in Iran's capital city to flee, posting everyone should immediately evacuate Tehran with no additional explanation.

You know what?

I can use some additional explanation.

Mr.

President, I am more confused than ever.

Please just sum up your explanation in one clean tweet.

President Trump has just posted new comments directed at Iran.

We know exactly where the so-called supreme leader is hiding.

He is an easy target, but is safe there.

We are not going to take him out and then in parentheses, kill, at least not for now.

Okay.

So we know where the Ayatollah is, but he's safe.

We could kill him, but we won't.

For now, maybe later.

We'll find out next on the Golden Bachelorette, okay?

I mean, how does one tweet and have six different positions?

I mean, clearly, we're not going to get any clarity from listening to President Trump.

Maybe other people in his inner circle can shed some light on America's position.

Tucker Carlson, huge supporter of the president.

What do you think of the war?

I just don't want my country to be further weakened or destroyed by another one of these wars.

And boy, if you can't connect the dots after 25 years of this,

you're either too dumb to participate in the conversation or you're just a liar who doesn't

Wow.

Wow.

I mean, Tucker, he hasn't been this distraught since the WNBA got popular.

Thank you.

Oh, snap!

Trump's like, go on TV and say it, you bitch.

That's right, you can't because you got kicked off Fox News for lying about me winning the 2020 election, which I appreciate, you bitch.

So yes, Trump is not on the same page as Tucker, and he seems to be at odds with some of the other top MAGA minds as well.

The American people have been brainwashed into

believing that America has to engage in these foreign wars in order for us to survive.

And it's absolutely not true.

Oh my God.

I can't believe I'm agreeing with Marjorie Taylor Green.

I'm at war with myself.

This can't be right.

Keep playing the clip.

I'm sure I'll find something to disagree with her on.

They don't want to hear about politics.

They want to be able to afford food and they want to be able to afford gas and they just want to have fun.

For once in their life, they want to have fun.

Yes, I still agree with her.

For once in their lives, Americans just want to have fun.

I don't want a war.

I want to dance.

Although, you know what?

I'm pretty sure Americans do know how to have fun regardless of international conflicts.

I've never gotten a text saying, hey, bro, territorial dispute in the South China Sea, barbecue's canceled.

So, doesn't seem like Trump is listening to the anti-war wing of his party.

Maybe he'll listen to the anti-war wing of his own administration, like Tulsi Gabbard, his own director of national intelligence.

Tulsi Gabbard testified in March that the intelligence community said Iran wasn't building a nuclear weapon.

I don't care what she said, I think they were very close to having it one.

This is the benefit of appointing unqualified, crazy people to your team.

You can always be like, do you know how crazy and unqualified she is?

I don't care what she said.

So.

Trump is beefing with the anti-war wing of his party and dismissing intelligence from his own cabinet showing that Iran is not actually building nukes.

It certainly seems to be leaning in a let's do a World War III direction.

And weirdly enough, the final confirmation might be pizza.

According to an account on X called the Pentagon Pizza Report, nearly all pizza establishments nearby the Pentagon have experienced a huge surge in activity.

Here's why when U.S.

military personnel face a national emergency, they work late into the night and can't leave their desks.

At 8.57 p.m.

Thursday, the Pentagon Pizza Report reported that the closest and second closest dominoes to the Pentagon had surged in traffic.

Oh my god, we're going to war!

Or everyone at the Pentagon just got divorced at the same time.

Look, I don't know how things are going to end, but it seems like they're trending in a bad direction.

I will say this, though.

If you told me after Election Day that within four months of Trump's presidency, I'd be staring at a domino's pizza tracker to figure out if we're going to enter the final war of mankind

I'd have said that's about right

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Up until now, Trump has justified the terrorists by saying it's to balance trade or protect national security or some other stuff he absolutely doesn't understand.

But now, he's just using it to help Brazilian Trump stay out of prison.

A major escalation in President Trump's global trade war, with the president releasing a letter announcing a 50% tariff on imports from Brazil starting August 1st.

Mr.

Trump specifically pointing to the ongoing prosecution of one of his longtime allies, Brazil's former president Jair Bolsonaro.

A show of support for the far-right politician facing charges for an alleged coup to overturn his 2022 election loss.

The president calling Bolsonaro's trial before the Brazilian Supreme Court, quote, a witch hunt that should end immediately.

Yo, what the f is this?

So Brazilian Trump gets arrested for trying to do Brazilian Gen 6, and now I have to pay more for coffee?

That is not how it works, Mr.

President.

If you have a disagreement with a South American government, you don't impose tariffs.

You do things the American way and have the CIA overthrow them.

And it's not just Brazilian coffee we're going to pay tariffs on.

There's Brazilian orange juice, nuts, jiu-jitsu moves.

And don't forget Brazilian buttlifts.

that's right with 50% tariffs there's gonna be a lot of people in America walking around with just one giant ass cheek

you know what I think I prefer this

and Americans might be wondering why Bolsonaro is in trouble in the first place but let me explain you see in other countries they actually arrest leaders who try to coup.

I know, I know, it's a different system.

It's like how the rest of the world has a metric system and America has feet and pounds or however

you measure how much beef you're shoving into your fat faces.

Let's move on from the war Trump is trying to stop to the one he's trying to start.

The one with Iran.

They've been real pissy at Trump just because he dropped the world's biggest bomb on them.

Okay, get over it.

That was like two weeks ago.

And now some Iranians are suggesting that they could strike back in a very specific way.

A senior advisor to Iran Supreme Leader, now issuing assassination threats against President Trump, reportedly telling local media, quote, Trump has done something that he can no longer sunbathe in Mar-a-Lago as he lies there with his stomach to the sun.

A small drone might hit him in the navel.

It's very simple.

Let me be clear.

This isn't just an attack on Trump.

It's an attack on all of America.

Because now we all have to picture him with his bare belly glistening in the sun.

No,

I'm just kidding.

You don't have to picture it.

I'll show you.

It's beautiful.

I think I prefer this.

Is this really a threat, though?

What, you're going to hit his navel with a small drone?

Like, Iran went from building a nuclear bomb to we're going to turn his Audi into an innie.

Are they threatening to assassinate him or poke him like he's the Pillsbury doughboy?

Like, hey!

Also, Iran, are you the only people in the world that can't tell Donald Trump uses spray tan?

He's not in the sun, okay?

Are you looking at pictures of him like, damn, this guy must have spent all week at the beach?

Trump hosted African leaders at the White House.

Trump pressed them on important issues like migrant deportations and how Scar was actually the good guy.

And you're never going to believe what happened when Trump got in a room with a bunch of African presidents.

He made it awkward.

At the White House on Wednesday, Donald Trump praised the president of Liberia for his, quote, good English, even though English is the official language of Liberia.

We just want to thank you so much for this opportunity.

Well, thank you.

It's such good English.

Such beautiful.

Where did you learn to speak so beautifully?

Where were you educated where?

In Liberia.

Yes, sir.

Well, that's very interesting.

Trump was totally blown away by this guy speaking his national language.

Where did you learn to speak English?

Like, what, Liberia?

Uh-oh, we call them libraries.

To be fair to Trump, the last African he was friends with was totally incomprehensible.

And now

he's like, is this what Africans sound like when they're not on ketamine?

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