TDS Time Machine | The Trump-Epstein Saga

You're listening to Comedy Central.

Because with Joe Biden struggling in the polls, Donald Trump is already making plans to once again take on the Washington swamp.

In a recent interview with Fox News, he promised to stop by exposing all the things the deep state doesn't want you to know.

Well, almost all the things.

Some people think that one way to build trust is to declassify things.

If you were president, would you declassify, you can answer yes or no to these.

Would you declassify the 9-11 files?

Yeah.

Would you declassify JFK files?

Would you declassify the Epstein files?

Yeah, yeah, I would.

I guess I would.

I think that less so.

That was a bit suspicious, right?

Like 9-11, yes.

JFK, yes.

Epstein?

Man,

let's know.

I mean, look at the panic in Trump's eyes.

I've seen more relaxed people on the exit row of a Boeing flight.

And why, though?

Like, why are you so weird with the Epstein stuff?

It's not like Donald Trump has any particular reason to not want the Epstein files opened up.

I mean, let's hear him out.

Hear his full answer.

I think that less so because, you know, you don't know.

You don't want to affect people's lives if it's phony stuff in there because there's a lot of phony stuff with that whole world.

Okay, he's definitely in that file.

He is in the FD files.

He's already like, look, there's going to be a lot of phony stuff in there.

Names, pictures, my DNA.

You can't believe any of it.

He's obviously not worried about protecting other people.

I mean, this is the same guy who said Obama was born in Kenya and Ted Cruz's dad killed JFK, okay?

Now all of a sudden he's like, look, if you put some inaccurate information out there, it could really destroy someone's reputation.

Okay, we need to err on the side of caution here.

Besides, it doesn't even matter.

You don't need to ask Trump to declassify anything.

He's just going to leave it at the buffet table at Ma-a-Lago.

Luckily for America, Christine Noam isn't the only one in charge of keeping the country safe.

We also got Cash Patel and Dan Bongino, two guys who look like they should be henchmen in a Ninja Turtles movie,

but are somehow running the FBI now.

And before he took over, Dan Bongino wasn't afraid to tell us the truth about what the FBI was covering up.

Nobody knows how much material people have on Jeffrey Epstein.

It's unbelievable.

The guy killed himself, and now nobody's going to know.

Yeah, exactly.

Epstein killed himself?

Bongino knows the truth, and now he and Cash Patel get to see all the files.

So on Sunday, they sat down for an interview to tell us what really happened.

Because we know Epstein didn't just kill himself.

He killed himself.

What?

He killed himself without air quotes?

That is the craziest thing I've ever heard, all right?

I was a single issue voter on this.

Why did you change your mind?

As a public defender, as a prosecutor who's been in that prison system, who's been in the Metropolitan Detention Center, who's been in segregated housing,

you know a suicide when you see one, and that's what that was.

Again, you want me to get,

I've seen the whole file.

He killed himself.

I've never seen someone so sad that the deep state didn't kill someone.

And also, hey, you can't talk so much shit about how the deep state did this and make it your entire personality, and then now you're in it and you're like just shrugging it off, like, oh yeah, I guess they were right the first time they investigated this.

Hey, if you fail that hard, you gotta let Hillary Clinton kill you, right?

By the way, can we just point out how crazy 2025 is?

Most people can't afford to eat eggs anymore.

Meanwhile, these two billionaires are attacking each other from different social media platforms that they each own.

Maybe we should eat the rich.

But Trump,

But Trump, Elon, let's calm down.

All right, things are getting a little too heated.

At this point, we can still walk away from this.

Let's not say something we can never take back, right?

Right?

Elon Musk tweeting within the past one minute,

time to drop the really big bomb at Real Donald Trump is in the Epstein files.

That's the real reason they have not been made public.

Have a nice nice day, BJT, exclamation point.

All right,

that's what we were talking about.

Which, now,

to be fair to Trump,

it is ridiculous.

I mean, you can't just make wild accusations like that just because Trump and Epstein hung out once or twice, or Trump was in the flight logs, or Epstein called Trump his closest friend, or they went to parties and whispered, you know, I can only assume biblical passages in each other's ear.

I'm telling you, I'm telling you, Epstein, two Corinthians, you gotta check it out.

It's fing awesome.

It's not a crime to be in each other's hearts.

And what indication has Trump ever given that there may be things within those Epstein files that may be concerning to him?

Would you declassify the 9-11 files?

Yeah.

Would you declassify JFK files?

Yeah.

I did.

I did a lot of it.

Would you declassify the Epstein files?

Yeah, yeah, I would.

I guess I would.

I think that less so because, you know, you don't know.

You don't want to affect people's lives if it's phony stuff in there.

A lot of phony stuff in there.

You know, you can put anything in a file, say anything about anybody.

By the way, just for the record, asking a 17-year-old masseuse if she's planning on staying in the United States.

That's a legitimate question.

And the rest of the video is AI.

If there's a video,

my favorite moment was when the head of the FBI, Cash Patel, found out Elon accused Trump of being on the Epstein list live while podcasting.

Does he know that Donald Trump is in the Epstein files?

Or does he have access to the Epstein files?

I don't know how he would, but I'm just staying out of the Trump-Elon thing.

That's way outside my lane.

I know my lane, and that ain't it.

Not your lane?

Aren't you literally in charge of the FC files?

I know my lane.

I'm just a guy in charge of law enforcement domestically.

Conspiracies, crimes, cover-ups, Home Depot parking, overcrowding.

The last bipartisan issue in America.

What happened to Jeffrey Epstein?

We've all been waiting for years for more details to come out about his crimes and his mysterious death.

And now that Trump's in office and he said he'll release that information, we can finally get some answers.

The DOJ says it's case closed on Jeffrey Epstein's alleged client list and his death.

After months of promising the public release of the Jeffrey Epstein client list, the Justice Department, the FBI now saying the client list doesn't exist.

The DOJ says it will not be releasing any more material from the case files.

What, that's it?

It just not going to release any more information?

I've never been ghosted by a conspiracy before.

I mean, this is crazy.

I could have sworn that someone said there was an Epstein client list.

Who was that?

The DOJ may be releasing the list of Jeffrey Epstein's clients?

Will that really happen?

It's sitting on my desk right now to review.

Oh yeah, the f ⁇ ing Attorney General of the United States said the client list was on her desk.

Let me guess, your desk also hung itself

Pam Bondi was supposed to release the pedophile list.

If we wanted an attorney general to cover up sex crimes, we would have stuck with Matt Gates, okay?

At this point, it's like the only way we can learn about who is a certified pedophile is if Kendrick Lamar makes a song about them.

Look, I don't know what they believe anymore.

Okay, can you just declassify something?

The Justice Department also releasing more than 10 hours of purported footage, which they say supports the medical examiners finding Epstein died by suicide while in custody in 2019.

The video allegedly shows the view from across Epstein's cell door in a Manhattan prison, indicating no one entered the area the night he died.

Is that background music to that?

Finally, some transparency from this administration.

Conclusive evidence that leaves no room for debate.

The release of that surveillance video has fueled some conspiracies itself.

There appears to be a missing minute at midnight.

It's very interesting that at the 1158 mark in 58 seconds, the video jumps to 12 o'clock and it's missing a full 61 seconds.

What is going on here?

Why would they edit out 61 seconds?

Was Epstein listening to a Beatles song and the government couldn't get the rights to it?

And if that wasn't suspicious enough, when Trump was asked about it in his cabinet meeting today, he was over it.

Are you still talking about Jeffrey Epstein?

This guy's been talked about for years.

Are people still talking about this guy, this creep?

That is unbelievable.

Yeah, why are you guys obsessed with the suspicious death of my best friend in a federal prison when I was president right before he was going to be on trial for sex trafficking?

It's so boring.

Now, the impetus for Elmo's rant seems to be the Department of Justice memo that has just been released that said the Epstein sex trafficking case was officially closed and that no new information would be forthcoming.

And while Elmo is demanding that the files be released,

Donald Trump's response is brought to you by the letters F you.

Are you still talking about Jeffrey Epstein?

This guy's been talked about for years.

Are people still talking about this guy, this creep?

That is unbelievable.

Unbelievable?

You guys ran on it.

Remember this?

We need to release the Epstein list.

That is an important thing.

This Epstein sex ring operation, I'm not letting it go ever.

Ever.

Put on your big boy pants and let us know who the pedophiles are.

Why would you have to change your pants to let us know

who the pedophiles are.

And why wouldn't you be wearing pants while you're researching this?

And that was before the Trump administration took power.

And by the way, they were still hyping the Epstein files after they took power.

We have flight logs, we have information names that will come out.

President Trump has given a very strong directive and that's going to be followed.

So people can expect actual movement on this.

It's not just empty promises.

Oh, Donald Trump doesn't make empty promises.

All right.

Two of his wives and 10,000 unpaid contractors disagree.

But

these are all people who work for Trump that set the expectation.

And I think because of that, surprisingly, MAGA World, for the first time in memory, isn't just slavishly acquiescing to Trump's reality distortion field.

Where did that whole case go?

Where did all the files go?

They just went nowhere.

No one even believes that.

This stinks.

This just reeks.

Something is horribly wrong here.

Pam Bondi needs to be fired.

Yes, Pam Bondi,

the ringleader.

She makes the decisions.

The backlash wouldn't die.

So Trump had to go back out and kill the backlash,

perhaps even making it look like a suicide.

So this weekend,

you heard him, Jim!

So this weekend, Trump tried to reason with his base using their shared love language, long rambling truth social posts.

In a social media post, the president asked his followers, what's going on with my boys and in some cases, gals.

Let me stop you right there.

Not to be all woke, but I believe they prefer the terms bros

and hoes.

But sorry, go on.

You were explaining why it was time to move on from the Epstein case.

Why are we giving publicity to files written by Obama, crooked Hillary, Comey, Brennan, and the losers and criminals of the Biden administration who conned the world with the Russia-Russia-Russia hoax, 51 intelligence agents, the laptop from hell, and more?

So

just to understand this, in a few months' time, we went from the Epstein files will expose the Democrats to the Epstein files were written by the Democrats and therefore can't be trusted.

So let's move on.

And then Trump brings up Hunter Biden's laptop as a reminder for all of us not to dwell on old conspiracy theories.

What?

So, problem solved?

Right, MAGA World?

Well, let's test it scientifically.

How many of you are satisfied?

You can clap.

Satisfied with the results of the Epstein investigation?

Clap.

How many of you are not satisfied with the results of the investigation?

Let me hear everyone who thinks sex trafficking should still be prosecuted say, hell yeah!

Who wants to know more about a cabal of elite sex criminals?

Just the ladies!

So MAGA World is now in open revolt.

You want to know how bad it's getting out there?

They're literally burning their MAGA Army uniforms.

Yeah.

And you know there's just another guy standing next to them going,

you know you got to flip them.

That's your problem there.

But clearly telling your base to just forget about Epstein isn't working.

But if you know Trump, he can always just pivot to the classic Trump distraction.

Throw something outlandish out there and watch the dogs chase the squirrel.

I'm going to invade Greenland.

I'm going to bomb Iran.

He's going to try something big.

President Trump is reigniting his decades-long feud with comedian Rosie O'Donnell.

I think we're going to need a bigger boat.

We are on week two of the MAGA Civil War over the Epstein files.

And the Trump administration can't get its stories straight.

There was a client list, then there was no client list.

They were going to release all the files, and then they decided not to release any files.

So let's see what today's excuse is.

I would say that, you know, these files were made up by Comey.

They were made up by Obama.

They were made up by the Biden information.

Okay, cool.

Cool as a cucumber.

This guy's not worried about a thing.

So let me get this straight.

According to Trump, all the top Democrats got together and said, let's create some fake files that destroy Trump's political career.

They don't ever use them.

They let Trump get elected.

Don't use them.

Let Trump get elected again, still don't use them.

And then once he's the president, hope he releases the files without ever looking at them.

Frankly.

You know,

that plan sounds so inconceivably bad.

I do believe the Democrats might have come up with it.

But Trump, Trump clearly wants everyone to just to move on.

And after initially pushing back, some of them are getting the message.

I think the DOJ should immediately move to unseal all the Epstein documents in the Southern District of New York.

I think every file should be released to the public the same way as the JFK files.

Honestly, I'm done talking about Epstein for the time being.

I'm going to trust my friends in the administration.

I'm going to trust my friends in the government to do what needs to be done, solve it.

Ball's in their hands.

Oh, oh,

wait a minute, wait a minute.

The ball's in their hands, he says.

Probably not the phrase I would use when

talking about the Epstein files.

The ball's in their hands.

The shaft is in the courts.

The taint is in the breadbasket.

What the f are we doing here?

A phrase you don't hear conspiracy theorists, free thinkers utter a whole lot is, I'm going to trust my friends in the government on this one.

Clearly this issue has MAGA on its heels, which which means now is the time for Democrats to strike.

Democrats, show us what you got.

Congressman Hayton Johnson coming to give you some more ear candy or perhaps an earache.

I was too harsh on the J6 choir.

You know, I just feel for his poor aides who probably spent all week having to help him with this.

Like, Rebecca, quick, give me a list of all the words that rhyme with suicide, please.

But it's a fluid situation right now, and MAGA is trying to wrap their heads around it because they have a lot of unanswered questions.

There are a lot of unanswered questions, but the biggest question is just what on earth is going on?

I don't know what's happening.

It doesn't make sense.

I can't reconcile this Donald Trump with the Trump that we're seeing right now.

The Trump that is gaslighting the public right now.

For a limited time at McDonald's, get a Big Mac extra-value meal for $8.

That means two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, and medium fries, and a drink.

We may need to change that jingle.

Prices and participation may vary.

Why is Donald Trump refusing to release the Epstein files and telling everyone to shut up and move on?

Well, okay.

Let me offer one possible theory.

Perhaps you've heard of Occam's razor.

It's the idea that the most simple explanation is probably the correct one.

In the case of Trump and the Epstein files, let's call our theory

Occam's giant fing machete.

By now, you've probably heard that Donald Trump, Jeffrey Epstein, and Epstein's partner, Ghelane Maxwell, used to be friends.

But it's worth understanding how close this friendship was.

Trump says he's known Epstein since the late 80s, and pictures from the 90s show the president with Maxwell, who became Epstein's girlfriend.

They were neighbors in Palm Beach.

At one point, Epstein was a member at Mar-a-Lago.

It's party time at Donald Trump's Mar-a-Lago.

And among the guests, Jeffrey Epstein.

Come on in, show it a second.

Trump and Epstein can be seen ogling the cheerleaders.

Trump points one of them out and says, she's hot.

Then he says something in Epstein's ear that has the financier doubled up in laughter.

Now.

Okay, now.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

What did Trump say?

It's impossible to know.

And Donald Trump and Epstein didn't just party together.

They were neighbors.

Epstein said he was Trump's closest friend for 10 years.

In fact, Epstein's infamous little black book included 14 different numbers for Trump and his representatives.

I mean, he had 14 separate ways to contact Donald Trump.

I mean, when I drop my kid off at camp, I give two emergency contact numbers.

And one of them is fake because I don't need the hassle, all right?

And these guys didn't just party together.

Epstein was a part of some major milestones in Trump's life.

Jeffrey Epstein introduced Melania to Donald Trump.

Trump was a frequent passenger on Epstein's plane, known as the Lolita Express.

And Epstein told author Michael Wolfe, the first time he slept with Melania was on my plane.

And that is how I met your mother, Baron.

Any questions?

I'll tell you, next time you're on a flight with a crying baby, just think about how much worse it could be.

All right.

So right now, you might be thinking, fine, they were friends.

They hung out.

That doesn't mean Trump knew about what Epstein was doing.

And you know what?

Maybe not.

But he clearly had some idea.

In a 2002 interview with New York magazine, Trump showered praise on Epstein, calling him a, quote, terrific guy, and saying, it is even said he likes beautiful women as much as I do.

And many of them are on the younger side.

Do you know how creepy with women you have to be for Donald Trump to pick up on it?

I mean, that's a real you're drunk friend taking the car keys from you moment.

And you could still say, so what?

They were close friends.

They were mile high club pals.

That still doesn't mean that Trump is in the files.

And maybe.

But after Jeffrey Epstein died in prison, the only person left who knew all his secrets was Ghelane Maxwell.

And when she got charged with sex trafficking, Trump's response was surprisingly sympathetic.

I haven't really been following it too much.

I just wish her well, frankly.

I've met her numerous times over the years, especially since I lived in Palm Beach and I guess they lived in Palm Beach.

But I wish her well, whatever it is.

You wish her well?

Is that the right response?

I think there's a reason they don't have that section in the Hallmark store.

It's not there.

It's not.

Let's be clear.

Law and order SPU doesn't start like in the criminal justice system.

Sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous, and we wish the perpetrators well.

Dun-dun!

Okay, you know what?

You know what?

You want to take another shot at it?

Maybe, maybe even more flailing and desperate?

Yeah, I wish you well.

I'd wish you well.

I'd wish a lot of people well.

And I do wish you well.

I'm not looking for anything bad for her.

I'm not looking bad for anybody.

What are you talking about?

You wish bad things on everybody.

Suddenly, you're wishing Ghelane well.

You were harder on Kristen Stewart for cheating on Robert Pattinson.

Okay.

All right, all right, all right.

So, so,

to sum up to all the MAGA people who are so confused about why Trump doesn't want to release any of these files, maybe the answer has something to do with Occam's giant fing machete.

It's not surprising that Trump would want to escape into a fantastical world of Unabomber fan fiction right now.

Because back in the real world, he's still got all his supporters breathing down his neck to release the Epstein files.

And no matter what Trump does, he just can't get them to shut up about it.

I know you urge people to move on, but I'm curious: why do you think your supporters in particular have been so interested in the Epstein story?

I don't understand about how it's been handled.

I don't understand it.

Why they would be so interested.

He's dead for a long time.

He was never a big factor in terms of life.

Not the guy you call to give a eulogy.

Also, you don't have to like Epstein, but he clearly was a big factor in terms of life.

He's America's most famous sex criminal, which is quite a competitive category.

This really highlights Trump's dilemma.

He's desperate to tamp down the drama, but his entire career has only taught him to heighten the drama.

I mean, you can't spend your whole life as the messy bitch from a reality show and then suddenly say, can we have some decorum here, please?

Because this does not sound like Donald Trump.

But I don't understand why the Jeffrey Epstein case would be of interest to anybody.

It's pretty boring stuff.

It's sordid, but it's boring.

It's boring!

Oh, yeah, what's interesting about a global pedophile sex ring that involves the richest people in the world that I might be covering up in my own involvement in?

News alerts!

Anyway, who wants to hear about my copper tariffs?

That's juicy.

So, MAGA diehards, you've heard your dear leader.

Epstein's just a boring dead guy who no one cares about.

I'm sure you'll join him in saying it's time to move on.

Nothing more to see here.

You should put everything out there and let the people decide it.

I think that the American people need to see what's in there.

And that's not hard to understand.

Do you think there needs to be more transparency?

You don't believe what the Justice Department is saying?

I don't know.

No, I don't.

I don't.

I think I don't.

I don't trust him.

Oh, man.

That guy is flat out broken.

I don't trust nothing no more.

I'm going to go just fill my pocket with rocks and walk into the sea.

Tell Manu Raju I love him.

I mean, things are so bad, even Lauren Bobert is demanding answers.

Although, being Lauren Bobert,

she has a particular way of putting it.

Of course, we want answers.

No one is satisfied with what has been received or lack thereof.

No one is satisfied with the rollout of this.

Yes, Mr.

President.

If Lauren Bobert was in charge, you better believe she would leave people satisfied.

She

would not be jerking everyone around

and then leaving them frustrated like you.

No, sir, with her, there would be a complete finish.

This is a shocking turn of events for Donald Trump.

His own sycophants are breaking ranks with him.

And even worse, they are demanding accountability.

I think moving forward, we need a special counsel.

That has got to happen.

I want answers,

and maybe that takes that special counsel to do so.

Maybe Matt Gates can lead the special counsel.

You want Matt Gaetz to investigate underage sex trafficking?

Because it makes sense in a sort of game-recognized game way.

I can see Matt Gaetz pulling up to R.

Kelly's house saying, I'm putting together a team.

Also, legally, I have to introduce myself.

And this special counsel thing might have been the last straw because by this morning, Trump had absolutely lost it on his supporters.

He posted this morning.

He said, My past supporters have bought into this, quote, bullshit hook line and sinker.

Don't even think about talking of our incredible and unprecedented success because I don't want their support anymore.

God damn, he win.

He win!

Full messy bitch.

If you can't handle me at my sex crimes crimes cover-up, you don't deserve me at my alligator concentration camps, you slots.

If Donald Trump was hoping that this would be the weekend, that the Jeffrey Epstein story would finally go away, this would not be that weekend.

A stunning story raising new questions about Trump's past relationship with the late sex offender Jeffrey Epstein.

But I still have all the old questions

that haven't got, and those questions might go bad.

But

go on.

President Trump is lashing out at the Wall Street Journal for claiming that he once sent a 50th birthday card to financier Jeffrey Epstein that contained a body doodle.

My God, a bawdy doodle.

At long last, sir, have you no decency?

What do we do in the news in Victorian England now?

This scallywag said to be a ribbled daggerotype.

My God, alert the constable.

That's all you got, bawdy doodle.

How bad can it be?

And it's a cryptically written letter, a crude drawing.

It contains several lines of typewritten text framed by the outline of a naked woman.

A pair of small arcs denotes the woman's breasts.

And the future president's signature is a squiggly Donald below her waist mimicking pubic hair.

Pubic hair!

Oh my god, you broke Blitzer!

Pubic hair!

By the way, not to to be, you know, the grammar police, but it's pubic hair.

Pubic hair.

That's the way the

inflection.

Pubic hair.

Pubic hair!

What's the deal with all the curls?

No, it's not.

Now,

a billionaire sending another billionaire a birthday card with a playful nudie cartoon isn't incriminating in and of itself.

It's really the creepiness of the sentiments expressed.

Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately, unfortunately, our lead, Meryl Streep, was unavailable tonight.

So, performing tonight's creepy birthday card,

please welcome, ladies and gentlemen, Nicole Wallace.

Voiceover, there must be more to life than having everything, the note began.

Donald, yes, there is, but I won't tell you what it is.

Jeffrey, nor will I, since I also know what it is.

Donald, we have certain things in common, Jeffrey.

Jeffrey, yes, we do, come to think of it.

Things in common.

Can be anything.

You can write all kinds of things you have in common inside the outline of a naked woman.

We're both gluten intolerant.

You both prefer window seats on airplanes to private islands.

Oh God.

I hope Act II of this play doesn't make it worse.

Donald, enigmas never age.

Have you noticed that?

Jeffrey, as a matter of fact, it was clear to me the last time I saw you.

Donald, the pal is a wonderful thing.

Happy birthday, and may every day be another wonderful secret.

What did I tell you?

Every day is another wonderful secret.

I fucking threw up in my own mouth on that one.

I don't even know what any of this means, but I do know that every line in that card sounds like the password you have to use to get into the orgy and eyes wide shut.

Donald, we have certain things in common.

Jeffrey, enigmas never age.

All right, gentlemen, come on in and grab a mask.

I gotta say,

for that birthday card, how much must it have sucked to be the next guy in the office that had to sign that Epstein birthday card?

You want me to just

sign it right by the bibicaire by the

by the just the little titties.

What do you want?

I'm just going to write here's to 50 more.

Now, MAGA World, as you know, is demanding the Epstein files, and yet somehow still has lined up behind Trump to diffuse this apparently specific file.

Starting with the fact that Trump couldn't have written that birthday card, he doesn't know all the words that were in it.

Somebody did an AI search, and out of decades and decades and decades of being a public figure and now a political figure, Donald Trump has never used the word enigma.

I imagine he's used words that are close.

Well,

if

Well, if AI cannot find reference to the word enigma in all of Donald Trump's communiques over the Roll 212, I'm first, Carson's second.

Now, Carson's an enigma to me.

Carson's an enigma.

He knows the word.

And Trump has accurately used it in a sentence, Extra credit

is there any other exculpatory evidence?

The Wall Street Journal.

They got the following on-the-record quote from Trump that said, in part, I never wrote a picture in my life.

He then doubled down on his social media platform, posting, I don't draw pictures.

Yes!

Donald Trump neither writes pictures

nor draws pictures,

which as the experts will tell you

are the two leading causes of pictures.

Obviously that's not something you can probably search in AI.

The only way you could disprove

is with literal evidence of Donald's doodles.

Trump in 2008, in his book, recalled donating an autographed doodle every year to charity.

Here is a drawing of the New York City skyline, signed by Donald Trump in golden ink.

What building in New York City has pubic hair?

I'm sorry,

pubic hair.

Pubic hair!

Pubic hair.

I guess this makes Donald Trump just another world leader we wish had just stuck with art.

I have, well, no, no, no.

Tell your friends.

Look.

I do have to say, it is a little troubling to me that Team Trump's talking points are, he doesn't even know that word, or he can't draw,

and not, why would anyone think he would write a creepy letter to a pedophile?

I guess that's because Trump bragged about busting into the dressing rooms at Miss Universe contests, and was accused of busting into the dressing room at Miss Teen USA pageants, and told a couple of 14-year-olds he'd be dating them in two years.

Yeah.

And then there's this.

Do you think you could now be banging 24-year-olds?

Oh, absolutely.

Would you do it?

I have no problem.

Yeah, do you have an age limit or would you?

No, no, I have no age.

I mean, I have an age limit.

I don't want to be like

bully with, you know, 12-year-olds.

I'm not a cream.

I just want to make it clear.

That is what he's admitting to when he knows he's being recorded.

Literally, you're sitting in a studio with a giant sign that says on air.

And you're like, I mean, 12 would be just too much.

I mean, come on.

I mean, maybe it's a lot easier to argue over doodles and vocabulary than to have to

confront whether a letter like this lines up with Donald Trump's character.

They don't want people asking if the person who'd send a doodle to Jeffrey Epstein was also the type of person that would have said this in a deposition.

When you're a star, they let you do it.

You can do anything.

Grab them by the pussy.

You can do anything.

That's what you said, Correct.

Well, historically, that's true with stars.

It's true with stars that they can grab women by the pussy?

Well, that's what it's, if you look over the last million years, I guess that's been largely true.

Not always, but largely true.

Unfortunately or fortunately.

Guy, such an enigma.

Again,

I just want to point out here.

I just want to point out here,

under oath,

fortunately or unfortunately, under oath, he doesn't take a position on whether the coerced pussy grabbing is fortunate or unfortunate.

None of this looks good.

And as the temperature rises on the unanswered questions about Donald Trump's relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, the Trump administration was forced to respond.

Breaking news, moments ago, the director of national intelligence, Tel Cabbard, releasing the 230,000 files.

Oh my god, that's from this afternoon.

It worked.

The incessant public pressure, mainly from, I'll give credit, the MAGA base, has finally forced Trump's hand.

Let's hear what's in those files.

230,000 files related to the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr.

Epstein killed Martin Luther King Jr.?

What the fuck?

Why are you releasing that?

What?

All right, obviously those are different files.

Anything else?

This happened today.

A.G.

Bondi released files.

Yes.

This is all happening today.

What's in those files?

Related to the FBI's handling of the investigation into Hillary Clinton's use of a private email server.

server.

Oh, good.

Finally, we'll get to know the truth about Hillary's private email island.

As the Epstein missile heads towards the fuselage, look at Trump firing off countermeasures from Air Force One, like Rooster and Maverick and top guns.

Maverick, sir, we got a bogey at five o'clock.

Hillary Clinton's emails, kag.

They're still closing, sir.

Kagush, Martin Luther King's files.

Cagoosh cagooge.

Oh, oh, we're, sir, we're out of files.

Surely it's curtains.

Wait.

I've still got one more trick up me sleeve.

Boys,

it's been an honor serving with you.

Here we go.

Trump threatens to restrict the stadium deal with the Washington commanders if they don't change their name back to the Redskins.

Are you fucking kidding me?

You know, they always say liberals are condescending to MAGA.

I cannot think of anything more condescending than the way Trump treats MAGA.

Oh, you want to know more about how the super rich are trafficking underage girls with impunity?

Uh, hmm.

Uh,

would you still want to know if I let you use an outdated slur for Native Americans?

I guess in Trump's mind, he doesn't have to keep his promises to MAGA as long as he continues to attack the people that MAGA hates.

That's his get-out-of-jail free card.

Trump believes he has immunity as long as he remains a petty tyrant, demanding only liberal institutions surrender to his whims.

Right now, Donald Trump is desperate to move on from the Epstein files, but the story is only building.

A major development just in, the Department of Justice says it is trying to set up a meeting with longtime Jeffrey Epstein associate Ghelane Maxwell, who's in prison.

The Justice Department now putting out a new statement and saying if Ghelane Maxwell has information about anyone who has committed crimes against victims, the FBI and the DOJ will hear what she has to say.

Wait.

You haven't talked to Ghelane Maxwell?

Epstein's accomplice?

The woman he's in the most pictures with?

Wouldn't she be your first witness?

Also, also, stick with me here.

How funny would it be if the FBI gets there and she's like, I'm finally ready to talk.

I'm finally ready to tell you everything.

But then at the last second, she grabs one of the agents' guns and takes herself out.

The FBI would have to come out like,

okay.

okay,

I know how this looks.

But I swear, I swear, here's how much I want you to believe me.

We did do the first one, okay?

We did run up on Epstein and like held him down, shook him a little bit.

We didn't do this one.

But while we wait to see if Ghelane survives this interview, Trump

Trump has been doing everything that he can to keep those files under wraps.

He's even got his friends in Congress trying to help.

Mike Johnson shut down the House just to avoid a vote on the release of the files.

Yeah.

Do you understand that they clear Congress out for the summer like they found a dookie in the pool?

Over the last week, Trump has been throwing every distraction he can at us.

And I want to go through some of them to show you how desperate he's getting.

Let's start with his go-to distraction:

Obama!

The witch hunt that you should be talking about is they caught President Obama absolutely cold.

They tried to steal the election, they tried to obfuscate the election.

Irrefutable proof that Obama was sedacious.

No, booze aside.

Sedacious?

It feels like he's mispronouncing a new black friend's name.

I want you to meet my friend, Sedacious.

Thanks.

It's Sean.

The problem with this distraction is that it's so old, Jeffrey Epstein wouldn't date it.

All right?

Donald Trump is promising to lower drug prices for America.

That's the news for the day.

And I'm sure no one is going to talk about anything else.

Brand new bombshell reporting from the Wall Street Journal.

The Wall Street Journal reporting that U.S.

Attorney General Pam Bondi told President Trump back in May that his his name appears multiple times in the Epstein files.

No.

Your best friends.

You're best friends with a pedophile for 10 years, one time, and the world never forgets it.

But yeah, this whole time, Trump already knew he was in the Epstein files, which is a good reminder that if someone's acting guilty, they're probably guilty.

No one's ever going to be like, don't look at my browser history.

You'll see all the charities I volunteer for.

But the good news for Trump is this is America.

We don't read.

As long as there's no video coming out, he should be A-okay.

Epstein and exclusive newly uncovered photos and video offers a new look at President Trump's past ties to Jeffrey Epstein.

Here you see the two, the opening of the Harley-Davidson Cafe months later.

Some new photos reveal Epstein walking into the Plaza Hotel to attend Donald Trump's wedding to Marla Maples.

There's also what was found in this review of archival footage from a 1999 Victoria Secret fashion show, which reveals, as you see, the two men chatting, laughing with one another on the sidelines of that event.

It's getting to the point where it's harder and harder to find a photo of Donald Trump without Jeffrey Epstein.

As Donald Trump, your only hope is to be like, hey, I take pictures with lots of people, all right?

I'm in pictures with OJ, Diddy.

I'm in pictures with Harvey Weinstein.

That's not helping.

I'm gonna stop.

And they're not just in the video.

Look at the chemistry they have.

And this is genuinely unfortunate and unfair to Trump, but the way the camera highlighted the two of them makes it look like a giant heart on a kiss cam.

What makes me feel terrible is I don't have a friend that I'm as close with as Trump was to Epstein, you know?

They're making drawings for each other, laughing, showing up to weddings, going to shows together.

The only way my friends hang out with me that much is if we're both holding Xbox controllers.

The point is, CNN found all this new footage and Trump didn't really appreciate it.

You actually called President Trump directly to ask him about this story?

Yeah, we weren't on the phone very long.

It only lasted about 30 seconds, but when I got on the phone, I asked him about the wedding photos.

He kind of paused and then said, you've got to be kidding me.

He then called CNN and me fake news a few times, and then he hung up the phone.

Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.

You can just call Donald Trump

and he'll just pick up the phone himself?

A president shouldn't be that available, you know?

This is like pushing the call button for the flight attendant and then the pilot comes out.

It's like,

aren't you supposed to be busy?

Like,

if you're here, then who's in the cockpit?

I think this just shows how lonely Trump is.

He's answering the phone because he just wants someone to talk to.

It's kind of sad.

Because remember, his best friend died in prison back in 2019.

Jeffrey Epstein died back in 2019, but not since Tupac Shakur has a dead man dropped so many bangers.

Yesterday, video of the government questioning him back in 2010 started making the rounds, and you'll never guess whose name came up.

Go ahead, guess.

Have you ever socialized with Donald Trump in the presence of

females under the age of 18?

Though I'd like to answer that question, at least today, I'm going to have to assert my fifth, sixth, and fourteenth Amendment rights, sir.

I'm going to put that down.

I'm going to put that down as a yes.

I'll be honest, I've never heard anybody plead anything other than the fifth before.

But this guy is so guilty.

He's calling out every amendment he can think of.

Like, no, no, no, what's the one with the women voting?

19, throw that in too.

Now, this video is dropping less than a day since we found out Pam Bondi reportedly warned Trump back in May that his name was in the files multiple times.

And it just so happens her next appearance was scheduled last night at a summit against human trafficking.

Pam, show us what you got.

I do have a note from the Attorney General, from Attorney General Pam Bondi that I wanted to share.

I'm sorry to miss all of my CPAC friends today.

Unfortunately, I am recovering from a recently torn cornea, which is preventing me from being with you.

Damn.

Even Pam Bondi's cornea is like, release the Epstein files or I quit.

I don't even understand this.

Like,

why does her cornea mean she can't talk?

Like, I don't know a lot about women's bodies, and this is embarrassing to ask, but is the cornea in the throat?

Like, the only member of the Trump administration that I would believe has an eye injury is FBI Director Cash Patel.

I can't tell if that man is blind or can see the future.

He always looks like he just saw the Epstein files.

Trump has lost total control of the situation.

Even his allies in Congress are turning on him.

In an effort to gain clarity, three Republicans joined Democrats on the House Oversight Committee to subpoena the Justice Department to give Congress all of the Epstein files.

This fight's coming no matter, I mean, this is here.

You know, I'm ready to take this vote.

I think we should take this vote and move forward, move this country forward.

People deserve transparency.

Nancy Mace, damn.

Trump is even losing the white women.

Which is great because it means we're getting the white women and we're getting those files.

All right.

This feels like when you're at the airport and Southwest has delayed you for 23 hours.

You're standing in line at customer service and there's a white woman in line in front of you, bubbling harder than Prosecco.

She's even doing the like,

and then she turns to you and says, I'm going to say something.

And you're like, yes, yes,

yes, white lady.

Go up there and get that manager

for all of us.

All right?

And it's not just Nancy Mace.

This is an issue across the entire Karen-American community.

Marjorie Taylor Greene wants the files.

Lauren Boebert wants a special counsel.

She's like, I came to Washington to expose pedophiles and jack people off.

And I'm fresh out of people to jack off.

Now, it may be surprising that some of the most die-hard congressmen are going against Trump on this, but you have to remember that they ultimately just want to be re-elected.

And right now, their voters are absolutely losing it over this Epstein thing.

How much are your constituents clamoring for more information about Epstein right now?

It's the number one phone phone call that we get by far.

It's probably 500 to 1.

500 to 1.

Yeah, it's number one phone calls that we get.

I'm sorry, 500 to 1?

I want to know about the Epstein files, but that is wild.

That means people are calling in 500 times about Jeffrey Epstein for every one caller who's just like, hey,

my tap water poison.

And I can understand it if everything else in your state is going fine, but this congressman's from Missouri, okay?

They have real problems, but they're using all their boost mobile minutes on this thing.

I'll talk to my kids next month.

This Epstein thing is too important.

And worst of all for Trump, it's not just his allies in Congress or conservative Americans.

He's pissed off his most important base of support.

Crazy ass lunatics.

Jacob Chansley, the QAnon shaman who became famous for his horned outfit during the January 6th Capitol riot is lashing out at the man who gave him a pardon.

Chansley called the president a fraud.

Like,

wow, do you know how down bad you are when the guys who went to prison for you are turning on you?

Like, I need to stress this real quick.

He went to jail for Trump.

This would be like if Nelson Mandela came out of prison like, you know what?

I'm done with black people.

These guys believe in everything but you.

Take a look.

He also suggested that the president had defiled a corpse.

Billionaire Elon Musk wasn't spared either, with Chansley describing the world's richest man as a baby eater.

This is so, so bad.

That's the thing about QAnon.

Like, if Kendrick Lamar wanted to ruin your life, at least he'd do a bunch of research on you and your family.

QAnon just comes out and says you're eating spines.

And there's no way for you to prove you don't eat spines.

In fact, every time you've got some between your teeth, they're like, see, see, he he's flossing babies.

As you know, this young man has been embroiled in the Jeffrey Empestin sex trafficking scandal and did what anybody who is innocent

when facing an accusation of this type.

He did what anybody who was innocent would do.

He fled the country.

He fled the country taking a jaunt to bunny old Scotland.

That's probably not the right accent.

To leave his troubles in the United States behind and finally gain

an ocean's distance between himself and the Epstein scandal and focus on his new trade deal with the EU.

I'm sorry, yes, you there, from the Inverness Castle Times.

Mr.

President, it's part of the rush to get this deal done, so not the Jeffrey Epstein story out.

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

Donald Trump, he's all like, how did you even hear about

I thought I thought you guys just got Baywatch like three months ago.

Doesn't anybody here have a question about this trade deal sinking both of our economies with tariffs?

How high do I have to make the tariffs before you guys shut the f ⁇ up about Epstein?

But of course, how do you expect the media to move on when even Trump has trouble doing so?

And so it was, on the day of striking a trade deal with the EU, Donald Trump presented once more, this time for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, his classic Epstein defense, 13 Reasons Why I'm Not involved with the pedophile.

Those files were run by the worst scum on earth.

If they had something, they would have released.

Now, they can easily put something in the files that's a phony,

which is why I can't release it.

It's simple.

If I, Donald Trump, was in the files, they would have released it.

So clearly, I'm not in the files, but of course, I'm clearly in the files.

Which makes them phony.

I mean, what do they even have on Trump?

A creepy drawing Trump gave to Epstein?

Please.

I don't do drawings.

I'm not a drawing person.

Your Honor, I submit to the court.

If there is one thing I would never do, it is

draw.

As you know, I suffer from tiny hands.

I cannot physically even perform the task of drawing.

I do not possess the motor skills and muscle strength required.

Oh.

I cannot draw, not now,

not ever.

Although...

Sometimes people say, would you draw a building?

And I'll draw four lines and a little roof, you know, for charity stuff.

But I'm not a drawing person.

I don't do drawings of women that I can tell you I mean sometimes people would say would you draw a woman and I'd draw a parentheses for press and a triangle for bush for charity

for charity

I wouldn't call them drawings more of a cubist pastiche

of punctuation and geometric shapes to trick the eye.

Some would see a naked woman, of course, others would see an old woman holding a falcon, riding a hoverboard

with a triangle for a vagina.

Look, the coin is this.

I don't draw.

In Trump's defense, he did end his relationship with Epstein

in the alts.

Perhaps a look into why he ended it will exonerate Trump.

That's such old history.

Very easy to explain, but I don't don't want to waste your time by explaining it.

He did something that was inappropriate.

What he said was: Epstein had done something inappropriate, and that's why they're no longer friends.

You see, Donald Trump recognized that Epstein had finally crossed a line.

Now, if it were me, obviously, giving this explanation in front of reporters, I probably would have stopped there.

But

since I am not,

and I had Trump went on to describe Epstein's inappropriate behavior, and wait till you hear what was the Rubicon that Epstein crossed.

He hired help,

and I said, Don't ever do that again.

He sold people that work for me.

I said, Don't ever do that again.

He did it again, and I threw him out of the place.

Persona non grata.

Yes.

You all know him as Jeffrey Epstein, the sex trafficker.

But I knew his dark side.

He was.

I mean, the sex trafficking, I was like, okay.

But he was also a low-level employee poacher.

poacher.

And that

I cannot have.

Anyway, Mr.

President, do you want to slice this bologna any thinner?

By the way, I never went to the island, and Bill Clinton went there supposedly

28 times.

You expect me to believe that Bill Clinton went to the island only 28 times?

No way.

I mean, if anybody had VIP Diamond Island status,

there's probably still parrots alive on that island going, hey, Bill, back again.

Hey, Bill.

Hey, Bill.

How you doing, Bill?

What's up, Bill?

But here we go.

Yeah, all right, that's okay.

It's okay.

I'm okay.

That is truly the best parrot impression you'll hear.

Here comes my favorite part of the defense.

Trump's ego and narcissism are so central to his being that even his denial of going to the island comes with a caveat.

I never had the privilege of going to his island, and I did turn it down.

The privilege?

The family is a family.

Hey, Donald, want to go to the island this weekend?

Well,

first of all, Jeffrey,

thank you for thinking of me.

Unfortunately, that's the weekend that the teen pageant that I bought

is installing the indoor security locker room caverns.

Obviously, for the Epstein case, Trump has no shortage of caddies willing to shame themselves.

Here's Congressman Tim Burchett, pre-Trump being named in the files.

Congressman, why do you think so many Democrats are committed to protecting the list of a dead pedophile?

Too many of my colleagues, I'm afraid, are compromised in this area for whatever reason.

The trash can is very deep.

It's not a swamp.

It's an open sewer.

It's a sewer.

Democrats are all over the plane logs.

It's an open sewer.

I'm sorry, Trump was also on Epstein's plane.

Need a ball drop over here?

You know, President Trump admitted that he flew on his dead gum plane.

Just because somebody flew on a plane doesn't mean they're a dead gum pedophile.

Wow.

You you know what?

I always find that the worse it is, the folksier they get.

Well,

well,

Mr.

Trump, he's not a dad gum, gosh darn

dagnabbid pedophile.

I mean, just my grits.

I don't.

I'll guarantee you, he's not using that terminology in other sex offender cases.

Well, gosh darn, if Diddy ain't two biscuits short of a country biscuit.

He's He's two biscuits short of a country biscuit, but that don't make everyone at the freak off crack a barreless.

I honestly think my favorite thing about this is watching conspiracy theorists have to unravel the red string that they themselves originally strung out.

Here's the OG conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck at his excitement for Trump's beginning of the second term.

The only thing I care about is the scandal of the pedophiles.

And in the next 10 days, you're you're gonna see the Epstein file released.

Day number one: Cash Patel walks in.

By the end of the day, it will be released.

Day one!

Deep state exposed.

Oh, I'm sorry, Trump's in the rough.

I'll get right on that ball drop.

What the left is saying, and some people now on his team are saying, he's in the report.

With 15-year-olds, really?

Do you actually believe that?

I have seen some clips that would be consistent with

did buy a teenage beauty pageant.

But listen, Beck, you're the master at making connections, so let's see you unconnected.

I mean, let's be honest, 20 years ago, if this was like, hey, he was on an island with 25-year-old models,

I would be going, probably.

15, year olds, that's not Donald Trump.

It's not Donald Trump.

I don't believe that.

Do you?

I say that's no way that's true.

You can't, what?

No!

You're not, there's no magic X.

You can't just magic X conspiracy theory,

white people being replaced by voting illegal immigrants.

No!

The ex has spoken.

But of course Trump's caddies can't do everything and it's given Democrats hope that they finally have Donald Trump.

For so long

the Democrats have been wily coyote

to Donald Trump's roadrunner.

The Democrats thought they had Trump with the felony convictions.

They thought they had Trump with the access Hollywood tape.

But every time he got away.

But now, with the reporting on the Epstein files, the only way that this guy wiggles out of this one is if, for some reason, convicted sex trafficker Ghelane Maxwell swears under oath that Trump had nothing to do with it.

But why would she do that?

Coyote, you finally got the roadrunner.

Mr.

President, if I didn't completely rule out a pardon for Ghelane Maxwell who landed, is that something you would ever consider and why?

Pardon for who?

For Ghelane Maxwell.

Well, I'm allowed to give her a pardon.

Me, meep.

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