TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month

Speaker 1 This is an iHeart podcast.

Speaker 2 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 3 As you should know, March is Women's History Month. The month, that's right,

Speaker 3 the month when all historic female heroes drink for free.

Speaker 3 For more on this, we're joined by our senior gender issues correspondent, Desi Leidick, everybody.

Speaker 3 What does Women's History Month mean to you?

Speaker 1 Well, Trevor, during this month, I like to celebrate the stories of impressive women that have been overlooked. It's not history, it's history.

Speaker 1 Took me forever to come up with that.

Speaker 3 You know, Desi, honestly, I've learned so much already this month about women who have done great things in history.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah. But you see, everyone pays attention to the women who did great things, but no one speaks about women who did bad things.
For example, everyone's heard of Benedict Arnold, right?

Speaker 1 He was the general who betrayed America during the Revolution, the greatest treason in our history up until Tristan Thompson. But you probably

Speaker 1 haven't heard of Benedict's wife, Peggy Shippen Arnold. Now, she was actually the one who encouraged him to turn on America and help plan his treason with British officials.

Speaker 1 You know, it's like they say, the couple that betrays together stays together. And there is nothing hotter than treason sex, trust me.

Speaker 3 I don't even know what that means, but that is really fascinating, Desi. I had no idea about the role that she played.

Speaker 1 No, of course you didn't. You're a man.

Speaker 1 I didn't know either. I saw it on his snapple cap at lunch today.

Speaker 3 That's a weird snapple cap.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Here's another one.
We all know who Alexander the Great was. The ruthless king, bloodthirsty conqueror, Syburn's aficionado.

Speaker 1 but he only got to do all of that because of a woman his mom queen olympius she wanted her son to be king so bad she had her husband and his other wife assassinated she schemed so her child could have a better life like a macedonian aunt becky

Speaker 1 You know, actually, Olympias inspired me to break into my son's school and destroy the other kids' science projects.

Speaker 1 Sorry, someone trashed your volcano, Timmy, but I too am raising a king.

Speaker 3 Desi, you can't break into a school and vandalize children's homework.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. Trevor, you're going to tell a woman what she can and cannot do with her body?

Speaker 3 Wait, no, no, no. No, what you did was a crime.

Speaker 1 Well, you know what else used to be a crime? Women voting, huh? Right, ladies?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But you know what? I'm glad you brought up crime because women can do that too.

Speaker 1 People always talk about Machine Gun Kelly, one of the most notorious gangsters during Prohibition. But nobody's ever heard of his wife, Catherine Kelly.
She helped him scheme.

Speaker 1 She helped plan his kidnappings. She even gave him the gun he was named after.
You know, before her, everyone called him finger guns Kelly.

Speaker 3 Wow, this is really fascinating. You're opening my eyes.
Like, even when it comes to bad things, we tend to erase the contributions of women from history.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and it's still happening today. Just look at Facebook.
Fake news scandals, helping helping Russia spread propaganda. They even sold all our dick pics to Steve Bannon.

Speaker 1 And every time something goes wrong, people blame Mark Zuckerberg, but their COO, Sheryl Sandberg, deserves just as much credit.

Speaker 1 Everyone's dragging his name through the mud. I am so sick of people refusing to say something bad about women on the internet.

Speaker 3 Desi, it almost sounds like you admire these bad women.

Speaker 1 I admire all women. But there is one woman I admire above all.
She is my number one evil heroine. I mean, I guess heroin's the number one evil heroine, but this lady comes close.

Speaker 1 Trevor, when you think of pirates, you think of Blackbeard, Captain Kidd, or whoever's decaptain now. But the most successful pirate of all time was actually a woman, Zheng Yi Sao.

Speaker 1 In the 1800s, she had 80,000 sailors, 1,500 ships, and took more pirate fortune than Johnny Depp's lawyers.

Speaker 1 But get this, when the Chinese Navy finally caught her, she talked her way out of jail, got amnesty, and then opened a casino.

Speaker 6 Boom!

Speaker 1 She went from being a criminal tyrant to a legal casino owner. A move historians call the reverse Donald Trump.

Speaker 1 So remember, everyone, on Women's History Month isn't just about breaking the glass ceiling. It's also about throwing someone through it and getting away with it.

Speaker 3 Don't say sloan everybody.

Speaker 3 Don't say sloan. Hello.
Happy Women's History Month.

Speaker 7 Happy?

Speaker 8 It would be happy if you got me a gift.

Speaker 3 Well another one. I just got you a gift for Black History Month.

Speaker 8 Yeah, because I'm black in February and in March. I'm a woman.

Speaker 3 Oh, no, but that's not fair. Okay, so then when do I get a gift?

Speaker 8 In April, because you're a fool.

Speaker 8 Anyway, Trevor, have you ever wondered why women don't get the historic credit they deserve?

Speaker 3 Sexism?

Speaker 8 Statues, Trevor. Women don't have as many statues as men.
In fact, nationwide, only 8% of outdoor statues are of women. Wow.

Speaker 3 How did you know that statistic?

Speaker 8 I drink snapple.

Speaker 8 I read. What?

Speaker 7 Internet. Come on, dog.

Speaker 8 And I've seen it for myself.

Speaker 3 I was walking through Central Park the other day under duress,

Speaker 8 and

Speaker 8 I saw statues of Alexander Hamilton, Christopher Columbus, William Shakespeare, all famous men from history.

Speaker 8 When it comes to women, there's only two statues in Central Park, Alice in Wonderland and Mother Goose.

Speaker 8 Which makes no damn sense.

Speaker 8 Alice is just a white girl who took Molly.

Speaker 8 And why does Mother Goose get a statue? All she did was f ⁇ a goose.

Speaker 3 I don't think that's right.

Speaker 8 Fine, she made love to a goose.

Speaker 3 No, that's not. Okay, anyway, do say, I'm lost.
How does having more statues help?

Speaker 8 Because, Trevor, statues help us remember history. When you walk past the statue and you're like, oh yeah, MLK did have a dream.

Speaker 3 Thomas Jefferson was a complicated individual.

Speaker 8 And when you don't honor women the same way you honor men, you're leaving them out of history.

Speaker 7 That's true.

Speaker 3 Well, at least.

Speaker 3 At least women have the Statue of Liberty. That's one of the most famous statues in the world.

Speaker 8 That doesn't count. We need statues of real women, not some giant French bitch holding an ice cream.

Speaker 8 No, someone like Toni Morrison, the first black woman to win

Speaker 8 the Nobel Prize for Literature, or someone like Frances Perkins, the first woman appointed to a presidential cabinet.

Speaker 8 Or someone like Beyoncet.

Speaker 8 The first woman to be Beyoncé.

Speaker 8 Why doesn't she have a statue? I mean, she's already standing like a statue. She's ready.

Speaker 3 This is actually a great idea, but I hope you understand building thousands of statues of women is going to be difficult. I mean, statues are expensive.

Speaker 3 You know, this is going to be a project that's going to take a lot of time.

Speaker 2 Oh, I've already done it, Trevor.

Speaker 7 What?

Speaker 8 I've designed one statue to symbolize all women, their power, their beauty, their mystique.

Speaker 8 A flawless avatar of womanhood

Speaker 8 that anyone can look at and see themselves.

Speaker 3 Don't say that that's a statue of you. Oh, Trevor.

Speaker 8 I'm touched that you can see me in that art.

Speaker 3 No, it's literally you. It has your name on it.
Also, why are you holding a baby?

Speaker 7 You don't have kids.

Speaker 8 That baby symbolizes America, okay?

Speaker 8 Which women have been carrying for far too long.

Speaker 8 Nah, I'm kidding. This it's Elba's baby.

Speaker 8 Because that's some history I want to make.

Speaker 2 Don't say salute to everybody.

Speaker 1 I know a lot of men might think women's history doesn't affect them, but it turns out women throughout history have invented some of men's favorite things.

Speaker 1 For example, Trevor, what's the number one thing that men can't live without? I'll give you a hint. It starts with the bee.
You whip him out during spring break.

Speaker 5 Boobs. Beer.

Speaker 3 Yeah, beer.

Speaker 3 No, no, boobs is a brand of South African beer.

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 1 Well, beer is a $530 billion industry, mostly thanks to men. And who can blame them for loving beer with all those macho ads full of sexy women desperate to have sexy sex?

Speaker 1 Ooh, grandpa, your social security check is so big.

Speaker 1 But it turns out Mesopotamian women were the ones who invented this man juice. Wait, sorry, no, that doesn't sound right.

Speaker 1 This man fluid. Yeah, that's better.
But it's true.

Speaker 1 7,000 years ago, beer was considered a gift from a goddess, and only women were entrusted with making it, which is why I no longer pay for beer when I go out.

Speaker 1 You know, instead of signing my bar tab, I just write, you're welcome.

Speaker 3 That's actually a really cool thing. I mean, not you stealing drinks, but the invention of beer.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, and that's not all. A woman helped create one of the things men think they can do when they're drunk, kung fu.

Speaker 1 You know, society has always told us that it's meant for men, you know, and pandas. But guess what? Bruce Lee, the most famous kung fuer of all time, got his whole style of kung fu from a woman.

Speaker 1 In the 1700s, a nun by the name of Ng Moy developed her method after teaching a female student how to fight off a creepy guy.

Speaker 1 You know, these days you can just swipe left, but back then you had to literally swipe left.

Speaker 2 That's, yeah, that's so amazing.

Speaker 7 Wow.

Speaker 3 I didn't know all of these things. I think a lot of Women's History Month, like, I didn't know that a nun helped invent kung fu.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, I mean, it's not that crazy. Nuns are badass.
Remember that nun in the 90s who took down one of Reno's biggest mobsters? And she still had time to teach her choir some Motown classics.

Speaker 3 Isn't that Sister Act?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's my favorite documentary.

Speaker 1 And speaking of fighting, it was this woman, Lisa Meitner, who discovered nuclear fission.

Speaker 3 I'm sorry, Daisy. Nuclear fission, what is that?

Speaker 1 Oh my god. Seriously? Trevor, you don't know what nuclear fission is? I mean, everyone knows

Speaker 1 it's when you fission the nuclear.

Speaker 6 You know, whatever.

Speaker 1 The point is, her discovery of nuclear fission became the basis for all nuclear weapons. So without her, there are no nuclear bombs.

Speaker 1 And without nuclear bombs, world leaders would have no way of proving how big their dicks are.

Speaker 1 Listen, fellas, the next time you're butt-chugging a...

Speaker 1 PBR or start a bar fight or drop a nuke, remember all of the women who made it possible and honor them by not doing any of that dumb shit in the first place.

Speaker 3 Desily, everyone!

Speaker 8 Hello friends. Today is February 29th, which is leap day and Black Women's History Day.

Speaker 8 And if you don't know that, it's because I just made it up.

Speaker 8 Why? Because the rest of February is taken. Dr.
King gets two weeks, the presidents get a three-day weekend, and they even give a day to a ground hog.

Speaker 2 What the hell is a ground hog?

Speaker 8 That's not even, like, is that even a real animal?

Speaker 8 Are we sure? Isn't it just a big-ass guinea pig with a good publicist?

Speaker 8 So I'm claiming February, so I'm claiming February 29th for us.

Speaker 7 Yay!

Speaker 7 Why?

Speaker 8 Only one day every four years? Because you account for, you know, the wage gap and your mom and them. You know, the math works out, okay?

Speaker 8 Trust me, I carry the four and everything.

Speaker 8 But the day is almost over, so let's celebrate some black women as fast as we can. Okay, throw a clock on the screen.

Speaker 8 Wait, no, that looks like a shot clock. Isn't it the NBA? No!

Speaker 8 Make it historical.

Speaker 8 Is that a cuckoo clock?

Speaker 8 Are you trying to say black women are crazy?

Speaker 8 The nerve, the unlimited girl.

Speaker 8 Okay, just put up any clock.

Speaker 8 Oh.

Speaker 9 Hey, sis.

Speaker 8 Okay, I like her. She's black, and she looks like she don't take no shit from nobody.

Speaker 8 Okay, let's celebrate some black women. Start the clock.
Okay.

Speaker 8 Shirley Chisholm, incredible congresswoman, chiseled her way into history by being the first black woman to run for president for a major party in 1972.

Speaker 8 She spent 14 years in Congress representing Brooklyn.

Speaker 7 And I mean Brooklyn, Brooklyn.

Speaker 2 Spike Lee, Brooklyn.

Speaker 7 Not Lena Dunham, Brooklyn.

Speaker 8 If you thought Biggie had a tough time making money, imagine going door-to-door in bedstead, asking for campaign contributions.

Speaker 8 Donations, raise money. Donations, raise money.
Y'all was off beat. It's all right.
Listen.

Speaker 2 Next.

Speaker 8 Dr. Shirley Jackson.
Ooh, another Shirley. The first black woman to earn a doctorate from MIT.
She helped innovate touch tone phones, portable fax machines, and caller ID.

Speaker 8 She's the only reason long-distance relationships work.

Speaker 8 So every time you use your phone, pour a little Wi-Fi out for your girl, Shirley.

Speaker 8 Next up, Missy Elliott.

Speaker 8 For proving that black women can make a hit song while singing forwards and backwards.

Speaker 8 It's your funna whipping you in any act. Just how you say that?

Speaker 8 Missy,

Speaker 8 we salute you.

Speaker 8 You salute we, Missy.

Speaker 8 See, that's backwards, okay?

Speaker 8 Look at your girl, all right?

Speaker 8 I'm doing it!

Speaker 8 Next!

Speaker 8 Okay, we got an aunt seeing the White House. Yes, Ms.
Kamala Harris, first female VP and one bad bike ride away from being president.

Speaker 8 Listen, I'm just saying, if Huffy Bikes really wanted a female president, loosen some chains at the factory.

Speaker 8 Y'all can make history. Help us out.
Come on.

Speaker 8 Next.

Speaker 8 May Jemison, the first black woman in space in 1992.

Speaker 2 What took so long?

Speaker 8 And that makes sense because in the 90s, black people were doing whatever they could to get the farthest away from the LAPD.

Speaker 8 So you saying I could go to outer space while these cops stay on Earth? Oh, I'm going to take it. I'm going to take it.
Come on.

Speaker 9 Come on. Let's go.
Let's go.

Speaker 8 Let's go. And the most amazing thing is that she came back.

Speaker 8 That's never a guarantee, but girl. Wow.

Speaker 8 There's a black woman on Family Matters that went upstairs and never came back down again.

Speaker 8 Next, Lisa Leslie.

Speaker 8 A basketball legend who was the first woman to dunk in the NBA. That's right, she can dunk, which is way more impressive because when women do it, we do it with titties.

Speaker 8 Slows you down.

Speaker 8 She changed the game. Like me, every time I play Uno with my five-year-old nephew, drop four, drop 17, Uno, hot, in your face, Declan.

Speaker 8 Next.

Speaker 8 Hey, it's my mommy.

Speaker 8 Everybody, look at my mama.

Speaker 8 She's out there every day giving, serving, loving, and I mean, literally mothering me.

Speaker 8 Literally mothering. And, you know, she made me.
Yeah, well, Scott.

Speaker 8 You know what? That's not bad. I'm surprised I was able to cover that many people.

Speaker 7 That's okay.

Speaker 4 You know, we can celebrate even more black women in 2028.

Speaker 4 That's not going to be an earth then.

Speaker 4 Dual Saint Sloan, everybody.

Speaker 1 Being a woman can cost you apparently an average of $1,400 a year thanks to gender price discrimination.

Speaker 4 If you're a woman, just about everything costs you more than similar products marketed for men.

Speaker 1 It's called the pink tax.

Speaker 1 I needed to investigate by testing some products. But I wasn't going to fall victim to price discrimination by actually paying for them.
Two razors, one blue, one pink, otherwise identical.

Speaker 1 Does the pink one give a silkier shave? Only one way to find out.

Speaker 1 What? I'm a full-time working mom. What do you expect?

Speaker 7 Exactly the same.

Speaker 1 Could this be an isolated case? I continued my investigation. We need a patriarchy cleanup in Aisle 13.

Speaker 1 Two painkillers, one marketed for lady cramps. Question is, which is more effective?

Speaker 1 Just as I thought, same active ingredient. This is bullshit.
Why do products cost more for women than men?

Speaker 10 Well, classic marketing strategy is what they call shrink it and pink it.

Speaker 1 Oh yeah, I had that surgery.

Speaker 10 That's not what we're talking about. In this case, what we're saying is the company will take the basic version they've made for everyone and then market that towards women.
They'll make it smaller.

Speaker 10 They'll make it pink.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Same thing.

Speaker 10 Basic Economics 101. It goes right to their bottom line.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, that's the whole point of the surgery. Went to my bottom line.

Speaker 1 But there's one lawmaker, Congresswoman Jackie Spear, who's been fighting gender discrimination for over 20 years.

Speaker 11 Get rid of the gender tax. Women, on the average, pay $5

Speaker 11 more for a haircut than does a man.

Speaker 1 They should be paying you to get those haircuts, but that's not the point.

Speaker 5 The pink tax is an insidious institution in America. And mind you, women are still making 80 cents for every dollar earned by a man to do the same job.

Speaker 5 And if you're a woman of color, you're making even less money.

Speaker 1 I ran the numbers. And overcharged plus underpaid equals the square root of what the f!

Speaker 1 So unfair. It's like when someone has blue eyes, everyone falls in love with them.
But you get pink eye once and suddenly you're kicked out of your neighbor's hot tub.

Speaker 1 It's three o'clock in the morning. What are they gonna use it for? Women aren't just getting discriminated against with goods, but with services as well: haircuts, tailoring, dry cleaning.

Speaker 1 Research has shown women pay more than men 42% of the time. In fact, a recent study shows it starts from the time you were born until the day you die.

Speaker 1 As displayed in some of these products, we have with us today and a game we call

Speaker 1 $34.

Speaker 5 $2.44.

Speaker 1 Oh, great. So while your little girl is learning how to walk, she'll also learn how to navigate the system that's exploiting her.
Sorry.

Speaker 5 These are two children's snorkels.

Speaker 1 $8.84,

Speaker 1 $16.22 for the pink. So women literally have to pay more to breathe.
Sorry.

Speaker 5 28 women's diapers for $15.98.

Speaker 5 But the men get 32 diapers for the same amount of money.

Speaker 1 This is why I stopped pooping.

Speaker 1 And just like me, this system is full of shit. How can women afford to live in this world?

Speaker 10 If the man's version is cheaper, then just buy that one.

Speaker 1 Yeah, sure. If you think about it, it's just one extra step in a series of extra steps that women take every day to thrive in a man's world.

Speaker 1 Like how we get up a little extra early every morning to put on an outfit that looks professional yet accessible, but not too accessible because we don't want to be taken advantage of.

Speaker 1 Or how we walk an extra five blocks to work so that we can avoid the construction zone because men like to tell us to smile more.

Speaker 1 And when we get to work, we want to make our voices heard, but in a way that's helpful and strong without being overbearing or shrill.

Speaker 1 You know, we do all of this without even an ounce of resentment because resentment causes wrinkles, and society does not value aging women.

Speaker 1 Is there a men's wrinkle cream that you can recommend?

Speaker 10 Yes, there are several.

Speaker 1 Sure, it costs less?

Speaker 10 Maybe a little.

Speaker 1 There's got to be a better solution.

Speaker 5 I'm introducing the Pink Tax Repeal Act. We have got to get the federal government to protect women from this gross discrimination.

Speaker 1 That's right. Spear is ready to give the pink tax some blue balls.
But why stop there?

Speaker 5 I think there has to be an outrage. Women should say, why is this more? This is discrimination.
I'm going to call corporate.

Speaker 1 Got it. Be outraged, make our voices heard.
Take it into our own hands.

Speaker 1 Until the repeal of the Pink Tax Act gets passed, I'm going to make up for all the shit we've already paid for with the help of my little pink friend.

Speaker 7 Perfect.

Speaker 1 Giving women their money back one item at a time.

Speaker 1 We'll call it Desi's dick tax. Strong enough for a man, but priced just for her.

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