140 - The Past Times with Corey Ryan Forrester

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All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week.

The Great.

Maybe you're our Tom Hanks of SNL host of the Pastimes, King of the Fart Memos,

Corey

Ryan, Forrester. Hello.

Bad news, by the way.

Dave may have heard because he popped in the studio as I was sitting here alone going through my phone.

The fart files have been lost.

Oh, here we go. This is Epstein.
This is Epstein.

Some are saying that

Epstein. Yeah, some are saying there never were fart files.

Were you in them?

If I was,

so was Clinton. You know what I mean? So

you were, I think on this show, we have heard you in them. Well, I don't know what to tell you.
I just looked at them. I think you are the fart files.

Well, you know, many people are saying this, but I looked on my phone and it's my phone that I actually curate everything and am in charge of, and there's no fart files.

So I don't know what to tell you.

Your wife got a hold of it and deleted them. I would love it if my wife was that tricky.
You know,

I feel like women that court that type of deceit are into anal and she's not. Jesus, well, you know what I mean? What tricksters? No, I don't

tricksters. What do you mean tricksters? Well, you know, women, what do they hide grass over their anus and then you slip in?

And do you know those type of women who, like, when you're asleep, they'll put your phone in front of your face so it unlocks it so they can go into their phone?

I've always just assumed that the trade-off for being with that type of woman is some bareback hanky panky. You know what I mean? Stanky panky.
Stanky.

Your brain is broken.

It doesn't work the way it should. It doesn't work right.

I'm in the only career path that accepts a person's brain to be broken like mine. And frankly, I'm not even doing that well in it.
So I don't know.

Excuse me, Facebook Reels would tell a different story.

Okay.

Bitter. Also, I don't like that you said Corey has never read this paper before.
You don't fucking know how many papers I read. What's with you today?

Well, you just think because you've never been on the, nobody's ever been on this show more, that you can just come in here, start doing your anal witch wife stuff, and think you're going to get away with it.

You know what it is? My therapist actually did tell me that I don't take compliments well. And I think when you were like,

this guy's like the Tom Hanks of the show, I'm like, burn it down. Alienate everyone.

Just like Tom Hanks. Just like Tom Hanks.

Well, Corey, what do you got? What are you promoting? Well, Well,

I'm going to see you in Chattanooga next weekend. I know, and I'm so very excited for that.

I will be back in Chattanooga in September, and you can get all the tickets at CoreyRyanForster.com. I don't know when this comes out because I know that y'all like to.
It's not coming out.

Okay, good. Hey, here we go.
Get ready, Dave. He's going to put a little mustard on something here.
Go, Corey. What were you going to say? You know, we what?

Actually, I was just going to say that he's pivoting live.

I don't know when this is coming out, but I guess it's evergreen to say that I just want to show my great appreciation that two of the all-time podcast gods would not only have me on their show, but have me on multiple times and give me a moniker like the Tom Hanks of pastimes.

Like, I was actually getting emotional. I don't know what your problem is right now.
I have a new podcast coming out called Public Domain Sleepy Time Theater, where I read you a bedtime story.

How in the fuck do you have another pod?

You two, you two have problems. Well, what are you doing?

We are filling the hole with podcasts. I think it's fine.
Yeah, also, I need money.

So it's called public domain sleepy time.

I honestly, honestly, I think Corey just says he has these so that it corroborates when he goes to his attic so his wife thinks he's up there doing it when in reality he's just drinking beers whacking off.

I'm actually surprisingly sober for six weeks today. Can you believe that? Yeah.

What's weird is you don't look better. I know, dude, that's what is it? That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
I've noticed no benefits. I've wanted to talk to you about no benefits whatsoever.

I still feel better. I mean, what is better? You know what I mean? What is...
Just wake up clear-headed and like it?

Yes and no. Wake up clear-headed, yes.
Like it? Absolutely not. I hate being so aware of everything all the time.
Like the drums.

It gets harder as

everything.

Really, really twists and falls apart. It gets a little harder to...
For me, I just keep being like, I mean, when am I going to just start smoking cigarettes?

I know, again, what is like, that's my doomsday. And now, too, like, for the past six weeks, like, every time I've had diarrhea, like, oh, you earned that.

Like, that wasn't even something you can just blame on. I had a couple with the boys.
Like, you just, what?

And I'm still eating Taco Bell, which I thought was behavior of just a drunk man, but it's not. Like, I'm just a piece of shit.
But I was inarguably more fun of a piece of shit when I was drunk.

So, like, and I didn't, I don't think I hit women. I mean, I blacked out every now and then, but I feel like I'd have got a phone call.
What is going on right now?

The start of this episode, Corey, I'll speak for the fans, has felt

a lot of questionable behavior towards women, I would say. Well, all I wanted to say.
How are you responding to those critics who for sure exist?

All I wanted to say was that I have a new podcast called Public Domain Sleepy Time Theater, where I

read you a bedtime story. This first season is The Adventures of Tom Sawyer.
No, I don't say it. I don't say it.

I don't say the word because I feel like that's a, you know, when you're trying to sleep, you don't want to hear the hard R.

So I changed it to a slightly less racist slur each chapter. I just pick a different one.

And you can get that at welovecorey.com. That is my bonus site where I have all sorts of stuff.
And coming soon, my new podcast, I swear to God, sorry, Dave. Four score and seven beers.

It's a history podcast.

And I'll probably start drinking again.

So

it's okay. It's awesome.
Yeah. It's it's it's you are the buckshot of broadcasting.

You are you're like Dick Cheney hunting with podcasts. That's right.
It's just blastable. And I need a metal heart.

Oh, look at you with the LaCroix. Well, it's limoncello.
I don't know, but this, it's almost like there's LaCroix and then there's limoncello. LaCroix.
What is that? What are you, what?

What is that? What do you mean? Well,

I was getting a fecal transplant the other day and

my poopologist suggested that I... Dave, how real is what he just said? Scale of one to no?

You cut out there, what?

How real do you believe what he just said about a fecal transplant? I don't think he got a fecal transplant, but I think he is.

I think he recently heard about them, and he's into the idea. Ding, is that a new podcast? Ding, Dave Anthony, calling me out.
Could be a new podcast. Yeah.

We know a comedian who had a fecal transplant. We do? Go ahead.
Yeah. I'll tell you later.

Yes, we know.

Or at least I do. I think you would know.
What is the new shoe? What is the upside? You get someone's, some people's poop hits harder and helps your belly more, so you get their poops.

You get their good bacteria.

She? She was close to her. Oh, gross.
She was a lady. Corey, Corey, Corey, listen.

The numbers of our female female listeners have been cut in half by you before we even got to the part of the show that's premises

do you know how impossible that is to do

she was close to death so uh

yuck it up Corey remember why but yeah she almost died and the fecal transplant like saved her life

if I recall correctly can man it must it must be an honor to have your poop be the donor poop. Man, how relieved was the doctor that invented fecal transplants when it worked out?

Because you know, before that, they were like, What do you think? I was thinking, uh, we got to get her some different poop. You know what I mean?

But how about that pitch where they're like, Hey, Dave, can we actually

talk to you over here? What's going on with you lately? I'm fine. So, your wife left, and then, well, yeah, she's gone.
I'm telling you, this could actually work.

I think you could just, we're not going to shove someone else's poop in a different person's ass.

That's considered a person. I'm so sorry for my existence.

It does something to your stomach and

your digestive system.

Yeah. I enjoy it.

I enjoy the look.

I just can't believe, like, the first doctor that

came up with washing hands, they put in an insane asylum where he was eventually murdered. And I can't believe that didn't happen to the guy who was like, let's put shit in people's stomachs.

I can't believe we're not exhuming that guy, stuffing him, and putting him in the oval often.

I got it.

All right, Corey, this is your 44th appearance. So

you know the deal. We want you to guess what year this paper's from.
I'm also going to guess. There's going to be no context.
You're going to win. It's really become so stupid.
Go ahead.

I'm going to go.

All right. Well, thanks for.

Oh, God, you're so quick, Gareth. Well, stop.
I wish it translated to like digital media, you know, but in person, it's great.

We're all trying to find a way.

Imagine being me. It's a real disappointing nightmare.
I'm going to go with 1932.

Oh, wow.

No.

1899.

Oh, Corey wins. It's 1892.

September 3rd.

Philadelphia Times. Philadelphia.
Hey, you know what I don't care for? The showboating of Corey just accepting the non-reality of you. That's right, David.
You won. I won.

All right, anyway, Philadelphia won. When a white man tells you you've won, you don't question it.
You win and you move on. Jesus Christ.
Thank you. I'm going to storm the Capitol over this.

You should.

It is the Philadelphia Times. from

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Are you drunk?

A little bit.

And let's just get into this.

Philadelphia has a current illiteracy rate of over 60%. So I can't imagine how stupid they were.
Yeah, it's nuts. Look it up if I'm wrong, which I probably am.
You know.

That's Corey's new podcast. Stuff I'm assuming.
Yep.

Have they started picking up the trash there? In Philly, no.

Oh, that's fucking great.

Okay. By the way, I was there not too long ago, and it was one of of the smellier cities pre-non-time.
And I bet you no one read to you.

Not a person.

Dave is upset. Corey,

how come you're not facing the camera?

I don't like my.

You know how you never see The Simpsons face on because they are more profiled characters? My profile looks so much better than me face on, and I don't like it. Let's see a face on real quick.
Nope.

Can't do it. This side of my.

Not good.

And you made it worse. And this side of my face is no good.

Oh, my God. That's why they call you Corey the Moon.
Yes, that is why they do. They do.

Or, as my grandpa used to say, that pie-faced Vietnamese-looking boy that has my last name. It's what he would say.
All right. Dave,

that's wonderful. What a great.

Oh, my God.

Dave, who's left listener-wise?

Nobody.

It's bad. It's just the guys who get upset when we're just like, man, Trump sucks.
Like, thought I knew you.

I've been listening to this show for 15 years. I've listened from the beginning, and this is the first time I heard politics injected into this.

By the way, someone posted there's a high school in Georgia that built a

stadium, football stadium, that's larger than like a lot of high school, a lot of college stadiums. As I showed.

And I just put, and I just put under it as a comment the teacher's salary, the average teacher's salary in that district. And

people are going apeshit. Well, you know, until 400 people show up to watch you do math under the lights on Friday night, you can suck my dick.
Okay.

That's exactly what the comments are. I know, I made them.

You can pay the teachers well and build this state. La la la la la la la la la.

What are you talking about?

A historical heifer.

This is a story from London, apparently. New Corey podcast.

Out of London, the heifer which attacked and knocked down Mr. Gladstone in the park at Hawarden on Wednesday evening last.

So everyone's like, oh, yeah, that.

Everybody already knows about this cow. In this one cow town, everybody does.

Yeah.

Although dead, having been pursued and killed when Mr. Gladstone gave the alarm has acquired a high market value.
So

a cow knocked down a man in a park and killed him. And now is the,

and now is a bank. Oh, no, just attack.

just attacked the man the mr gladstone's not dead but he got knocked down and then they he screamed out oh my god the cow And then people chased the cow down and killed it.

And now it's worth a lot of money.

Soon after the heifer was shot, a local speculator procured the hide for five pounds.

And since his purchase, he has been offered as high as 50 pounds for the hide, but has steadfastly refused to be tempted to part with his prize. That's like, so this is like their crypto.

That's because 50 pounds in Philadelphia in whenever you said, I just know I won, that's like 10 million. 1992.
Do you even remember the goddamn year? Oh, right. Because you were so far off.

This happened in London. London.

Even better. Okay.
Air.

Well, of course, they're saying, I don't know why in my brain I was like, I didn't know Philadelphia used pounds back in the day, but yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That was a good catch. It's funnier that it's a funnier that it's an English person.
It's funnier. Violence against the English is always funnier, especially in this time.
Air!

Air!

Just monocles and caps dropping out of them. No!

Also, I bet you the cow did not attack this British person. I bet the cow was just being a cow and the British person was in the area of the cow being a cow.

And also, because cows don't, I've been around a lot of cows. This is bullish behavior, not cow.

Yeah. Yeah, unless you fuck with the cow or fuck with the calf, then it'll fuck you.

A cow will let you walk up to it and stick your arm up to the elbow in its ass without doing anything. Why would you do that? Why would you do that?

Because it allows you. What do you think? Yeah, it lets you.
No, but that's not why we do things. Okay.
Because we're allowed. I'm

Corey. Corey.
It's extremely antisocial behavior to do what you just said. But Dave, did you hear

you're allowed to do this? You are allowed to do it. Right.

You are

like the cow will let you, but again. Exactly.
All right, you get it. That's not why we do and don't do things.
Corey, how can we break this down in a way where he stops talking like that?

Well, I'm really good friends with people who jack bulls off for a living, and you actually do it up their ass. You don't stroke their wiener, you hit the prostate,

which is which, by the way, is proof that God made us all gay and we all chose to be different.

I'm glad the gays have. I don't talk to your wife about that.
I'm glad the gays have just left the podcast, too. I don't talk to my wife about anything.

No, nothing. We just, it's, hey, how was Bane today? Good, awesome.
Do you want to watch Mr. Robot? Sure do, honey.
Okay. Mr.
Robot? It's a good show.

There's two seasons. Three.

No, there's four.

You didn't like it. I couldn't get past the, I couldn't get past the, I did the first, then it was out.
Second's go ahead.

You couldn't get past the elbow up the cow's ass, which I think would also be a fair statement. Yeah.

Okay.

Another man who obtained possession of the heifer's head was declined to accept an offer of £10 made for all the teeth, which find a ready market as

to replace it.

That was definitely for it to replace it. He knows the cow's got lovely chompers.

Impossible to boy. I'll give you 10 quid to put those cows' teeth inside of my dome.

Does that sound you?

I've been having what we call nightmares chewing.

Are these regular cow prices? Or do people just want parts of this cow because it not to guide them? These are not regular cow prices. We've always been obsessed with true crime.

You've heard of the bull market. This is a cow market.
This is a cow market, my guy.

The only way I would pay 50 pounds for a dead cow is if it was literally the cow that jumped over the moon. That would be a cow worth having.

Yeah, I don't disagree with that at all. Although, you know, that also feels like that's an easy one to just

lie about. Some people say it never happened.

Well, Dave, you're the history guy. Did that cow jump over the moon? Thoughts? And let's maybe hang it.
You did. Okay, great.
Yeah, he did, yeah. That's where the what year was that? Let me guess.

It was 17.

17. The year 17.
Yeah, that's right. It was.
Yeah. I didn't even get a

magistrate was swindled.

For some time past, a skillful swindler has been plying his trade among the residents of the 15th ward, succeeding until yesterday in making handsome returns from the pocket books of his victims on the capital invested in a sheet of letter paper, an envelope.

Several times the police have been warned by those whose credit, I can't read that word, has lost them money, but efforts to entrap him have until yesterday proved futile.

The man's methods was to address a note to any person whom he thought could be worked, signed with the name of and purporting to come from an intimate friend of the recipient.

So he's forging a letter saying it's from a guy. But it's so great that it's so great to be in an era where it's like, oh my God,

that's me.

I know. Added to the list of it's always great when British people get injured, I will add, love it

when a magistrate gets swindled. I love it.
That's awesome.

Set me down in front of the TV for some magistrate swindling. Allow me to ignore the shortcoming of specifics and turn over my pocketbook.
My love.

I do hate to break this to you guys, but this is Philadelphia.

Yeah, but it's still fun. Yeah.

Also, you don't be an English person.

I want it to be an English person, yes. It could have been.

I still choose for it to be. Okay.

Okay.

You can do that. There were London transplants to Philadelphia.

Allow me to do a little backstory. Oh, I've just come here.
I can't believe my friends reached me that simply. I've not even gotten my address from the postal union.

Why, here you are, allow me to turn over my pocket book. It says here some prince in Zimbabwe needs my money in order to be freed.
Crikey, it sounds like long-term this is a wise investment.

I was right to court favour with a Zimbabwean.

I've just moved here a little while ago. This is just the upstart a bloke like me is after.

Allow me to turn over my pocket book and its entire fillings.

Here you are, friend. You tell this Zimbabwean acquaintance whose name escapes me that I can't wait for round two of this exciting endeavor.

By the way, I've been a bit saddened lately. A friend of mine was attacked by a cow.

So this is just the good news I've needed. Shut the arm of good news, I say.
Jolly good news.

Allow me to turn over my pocketbook and its contents entirely.

I stopped listening a while ago, so just let me know. Bravo.

Whenever.

Well, there you are. Now I'm off down the road for a bit of bubbling squeak and bourbon.
And a pickled onion if I have my drothers.

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Hey, I'm working on a character, and he's a guy who he has really funny quips, but he always has them like too late when the conversations moved on. Can I give you an example?

Yeah, boy, that must have been a mad cow.

I mean, that I, I, you know what? This is what I, I, I like him, and I also think we should each, every guest and the host should be allowed what we call one circle back joke. Retroactive, yeah.

Where we go back and go, hey here's what i just thought of my yacht pun yeah exactly

the letters were badly written and the spelling was not above reproach told you philadelphia fucking told you can't read can't write vindicated bitch

oh my god he but so we got a we got a southern guy who finally found a place that has illiteracy at a high rate in and racism

and racism not bad

it's It's good news for Tlako, Dave. Why do you think the Fresh Prince left?

I didn't even know. I don't know anything about the Fresh Prince's background.

He was from West Philadelphia, born and raised. Born and raised on a playground is where he spent most of his days.
Chilling out Max.

Max and Max and all coolie was shooting somebody said the N-word near May's old school

where they didn't teach reading. Where they didn't teach reading.

Go ahead, Dave.

But the victim seemed not to have considered that until too late. He overreached himself, however, when yesterday he sent a letter to Alexander McCoy, a groceryman,

requesting $10. The note was signed with his daughter's name, and that fact aroused his suspicions as Miss McCoy was not in the city.

So he decided to lay a trap for the man and accordingly placed a $10 bill in an envelope and gave it to the boy who delivered the request and then started out himself to find a police.

Was it tied to a fishing line and he was just somewhere else? Yes. There you are, boys.

He's just doing that real out-to-the-ocean noise.

And then he just, the pole rips out of his hands. Air! An enormous floor.

Before the boy got out of sight, the amateur detective found.

What are their names? The dog's names are Larry, Pablo, and Maple. Aww.

Hmm. Didn't I? I love that.

And now they're going to behave.

That's the

best. We're about to hear a gunshot.

What if there was just like a dead, bleeding bird on the floor that Dave never told us about? The dogs are just freaking out. Don't worry about it.

Dave's just like sitting there as they're just chewing on raven brains.

It's not great when a cat brings a bird in, but when a dog brings a bird in, it's a lot worse. i can tell you that right now yeah you ever had a bird bring a dog in that's a tough day tell you what

i did see a video the other day of a hawk like getting a yorkie like someone was walking with their yorkie and a hawk just walking just like and it was sad like but it's still hilarious and it's one of there is that intersection where you're like oh that's the saddest thing i've ever seen at comedically timed out as well as unreal to be quite honest unreal yeah

Um, so he finds a cop and uh, policeman Bates. Bates followed the boy, and as soon as he delivered the letter to a man in Logan Square, he arrested him.

The man gave his name as Thomas Kelly, and after a visit to the station house, Kelly was taken to Magistrate O'Brien's office for a hearing.

And while the hearing was in progress, the letter asking for $10 was handed to the magistrate, who then

saw the writing, reached down in his desk, brought out one of exactly the same kind. The magistrate himself had been swindled.

Kelly was placed under $1,000 bail for a further hearing this morning. That's a big bail for that.
That's huge. That is a big thing.
Huge bail. And that's a huge fuck up.

Bringing out the same matching letter, you're like, well,

yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I did it.

Man, I feel like, I mean, I'm a different type of cat. I would be so embarrassed to be that magistrate that I would not have brought that up.
I would have just let that one go. Yeah.

Yeah, because you'd be embarrassed to say you got swindled. Super embarrassed.
And you would just, and you could just hit him with the huge bail and be like, you son of a man.

You could still get him for the one swindling without making yourself look like a dumbass.

Because I, too, am a huge dumbass. Yeah, a swindley.
But again,

this is a magistrate probably with no education because it's Philadelphia. Right.
As I've learned from

the fire court. That's why it's called a hearing and not a reading.

They can hear fine. You see,

their ears work. Their eyes don't.

Yep.

Send all your comments on Twitter to Corey.

Lizzie Borden in jail. Oh, no.

Fall River.

That sounds sounds like a cow's name, Lizzie Borden. You know? No.
Well, it's a lot worse. Yeah.

Was she a murderer? Oh.

I think that she didn't do it, but there's like a whole

song or poem about how she killed her parents. Yeah.
Right.

So Miss Lizzie's. It's so funny now, isn't it Corey? I mean, I'd have to hear her out.
It's kind of funny. You know, what the parents did.

She's like, I don't know if you've seen the recent Menendez stuff, but like, free them. them.
You know what I mean? What does that mean? I think free one of them out. I think it's just for comedy.

Let them out. Their parents.
That's a bald one. Why?

They sucked. Well, Dave, do you need any other reason, especially you being you and that they were wealthy? You know, I know you.
I've seen your post. You want all of them to die.

No one should have any money, and they had some, and therefore they should die. I love this.
This truly is like, there was this guy the other day who commented on some posts.

He goes, yeah, it was like some buddy of mine posted like some Trump thing, and he was like, Whatever, you know, anti-Trump. And I was like, Uh, I commented something anti-Trump as well.

And this guy goes, You're not allowed to have an opinion. You and Dave were cucks for Biden.
And I was like, Hilarious. What?

I was like, What I go, name one, show me proof of one time where we were cucks for Biden. He goes, It was in a comment on a post.
I couldn't, I couldn't find it because Dave blocked me.

The files are gone. Let me say this right now: I've never met a person

who hates Joe Biden, even on the Republican side, more than probably Dave. So, like, that is so stupid.

There's certainly nobody

with Dave's background. I mean, Dave said Biden is the worst president of his lifetime repeatedly.
No, I listened to this. In the face of listeners who are like, damn, stop it.

Listen, do I think Dave is responsible for Trump winning the last election? Absolutely.

Yes. But he was just saying what we were all thinking, you know yes

look

this is the democratic model yes we all know this but shut the fuck up but shut up how about just

yeah shut up it really does seem to be that way and dave those are january 21st problems you idiots yeah and dave's just a fucking loudmouth and i love it

now we can't have mark handle on the show because of dave anthony

and now because of biden we have we have uh trump uh fascist too. Here we go.
Here it is.

Here it is. Okay.

Here's the rhyme. Lizzie Borden took a nax.
She gave her mother 40 whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father 41.

But she was, I believe she was not convicted.

Dave, I've heard enough. She did it.
Okay.

Miss Lizzie Borden was taken from the central station at one o'clock this afternoon to the 129 train for Taunton. She will remain there in the city.
She will be going to town for some taunting.

People there will have their way with her, make fun of her, and then she'll be taken back to prison.

Until the sitting grand jury in November, she was accompanied by Marshall Hilliard, Detective Sieber, and Reverend Buck. There was a large and curious crowd at the depot.
How was the Reverend there?

Were they filming a British mystery or something where they're like, We have a detective, but we need a vicar.

Jesus Christ, one train ride with these people and no murder? What a wasted opportunity. Lizzie, you're the red herring in the whole house.
Fuck me.

There was a large and curious crowd at the depot. She was not disturbed in the least by the gaze of a hundred spectators.

And if anything, she looked firmer and more contented than she has appeared since the hearing was open. Fan of the gays.
So I don't know. I mean,

the gays really showed up. What just happened? 100 gays looking upon her.
100 gays are there for her.

She was a gay. I think you're saying she was a gay audience.
Yes, you said she was a fan of the gays looking at her.

By the way, so are you?

I think so. Yeah.

Lizzie Borden was

shouted it. Yeah.
There was the gays.

Yeah, you did it like that, which is like shitty.

That's the only way you can say. The gays.
Nope. I don't know another way to do it.
Nope.

Three-year-old John Calvin was taken. Three-year-old John Calvin.
That is a hilarious sentence.

you never think of someone named John Calvin being three years old. Hello, John Calvin, three-year-old.
Nice to meet you. Now,

before we get into anything too deeply, who is everybody here? Let's go around the room. Names, occupations, favorite food.
Also, I have just shit myself, and I will need someone to take care of that.

Hence, sweet. Hint sweet's not a good one.
Also, if I'm short with anyone, it's because I'm a little crabby. I didn't have a nap today, and I didn't sleep too good either because of gas.

Now, let's get to the bottom of this, boys.

Three-year-old John Calvin was taken to Pennsylvania hospital last evening with a fish bone in his throat.

Is he a wall?

Up to a late hour,

the bone had not been extracted.

What the doctor's like, if my instincts are right, which they normally are, he'll pass this bone through his intestinal tract, and it'll come out slowly looking like a a tail.

I'm a snake doctor and I do believe the special enzymes inside of this boy's throat will allow him to take this bone right through him.

I mean

maybe it's going to work itself out, right? I think it will for sure. Like a like a sliver.
Absolutely.

Who is just who is giving their three-year-old de bone non-D-boned fish like is three-year-old John Calvin just sitting there eating a fish that's still got the eyeballs on it just with his little baby fork.

Sometimes you got to get it in, though. Yeah.
Like, I can't even give my son a lollipop.

I should point out John's a bear.

So

he's a cub. We were down by the river.
Not a case of cholera.

Okay, good.

Joseph Atunes,

whom Dr. Beck reported last night as a cholera suspect, is not infected.
Cholera.

You're under arrest. Possession of cholera.

His illness is due to overfeeding after being nearly starved in Russia, from which country he recently came. He was all right this morning.

For dinner yesterday, Atinez ate almost two pounds of corned beef, a small amount of cabbage. I don't think he's not okay.
No. No.
And two watermelons. There you go.
He's guilty of being at a deli.

Dude, fuck God for that, really. It's like, you're going to die.
You haven't eaten anything. Okay, let me eat a bunch of stuff.
You're going to die. You've eaten too many watermelons.
Like,

can God not just hush?

I don't think it's the watermelons that took the poor guy down. Did you hear about the other ingredients? I usually

have pounds of corned beef. Well, I usually hear watermelon and forget everything before, but yeah, pounds of corned beef, you say? Pounds.

Sorry, my wife had just just texted me that apparently Bane heard me say lollipops and is now running around the house going, lollipops, lollipops, lollipops.

Dave, thoughts?

I don't know. It's this.

His family situation is

upsetting. Me, mine? Okay.

Yeah. Why? Yeah, he's talking to you.
Yeah. Why is a good question, Dave? I'm talking about a room full of dogs.
I don't, I don't have any.

Okay. You don't care to get into it?

No. That's okay.
I don't want to.

I think he and his whole family and the lollipops, it's a wonderful

thing.

I think most people would think that. Yeah.

How old's Bain?

Two and a half. Two and a half.
And he's at the lollipop age. Yeah.
He's

got a prime age for getting a fish bone stuck in his neck. You know what I mean?

Just let him take that lolly down stick and all. Yeah.

Careless drivers censured. The coroner's jury yesterday censured Con Rogers and Samuel Haynes.
Well, they should have seen Con Rogers coming. Yeah, Con seemed pretty obvious.

Con Rogers and Perp Johnson. Con Rogers sounds like somebody that Russell Crowe would have boxed in Cinderella Man.

Con Rogers over here in the gold trunks. Con week Jin Rogers going down again.
Good lord, why did he start so early in this montage? I'll never know.

Let's see if that South Paul works all the way up here in the north. Crack it.
He's down badly.

Con Rogers and Samuel Haynes, two drivers whose horses ran away on Wednesday and killed Henry Bodkin, 65 years old. I gotta be honest.

I pine for a time when animal on human murders happen this frequently.

Like, considering how we're killing our ecosystem for fucking just constant expansion of roads and bridges, it's nice every now and then when just you hear something like, camel killed owner.

Yeah, and this, the horses ran away. Like these were his horses that drove him places, right? Because

I'd always assumed, I was like, you know, horse, like being in a horse wagon, not as good as a car, but one good thing is if you're in a horse wagon and the horse sees another horse coming, he'll go, oh, fuck, it's a horse, and he'll get out of the way, you know, whereas, like, we can't do that in cars, but you're saying that this, this is like the Tesla of horse cars where he just

whatever, fuck his computing, and just ran and murdered people like Mitch McConnell's cousin. We don't, we don't talk bad about Tesla on this podcast.
That's right. I'm sorry.

They are a sponsor. Cybertruck just came on board for 30 ads.

Well, we may as well do one now.

To our listeners, we want to say if you guys are having trouble getting anywhere, get a cyber truck.

It's good on sand. It's good on rocky pathways.
Roads are its friend.

As far as great in the rain, as far as making U-turns, you're never going to have an easier, swifter turn. The radius is perfect.
It could go over fences, no problem.

Now, if you need to perform it, the windows are extra-shatterable. Yeah, if you need it to perform as an actual truck, you're shit out of luck.
But other than that,

no gravel. I mean, mean, we're just pretty, I think everything else can fall real well, but no gravel, small rocks, tiny pebbles.
Anything big, you can't.

Also, no big stuff. Yeah, I guess that would be the other knock on it.
Nothing big will be good. But

other than that. Or you can cut your finger off if you want that.

Well, it's a raised, everything's razor sharp, so don't touch any of the edges, but that's pretty standard with any vehicle.

Don't, you know, but it's the only car you can shave with. So that's exciting.
That's exciting for people. And if you try to tow something, bumper will will just come right off like

a leg.

The only car fully designed on ketamine.

Back to horses. Back to horses.

The jury's censure was due to the violation of ordinance by the drivers in not tying their horses while they went into a house to deliver goods. Emergency breakers.
Rogers and Haynes said.

Rogers and Haynes

said they had received no instructions to tie their horses, and they thought they were perfectly gentle. I don't know the horse.
But isn't that given? Right. Who has to tell you to tie a horse?

I didn't know I had to put the car at park when I got out of there.

That's exactly what this is.

They knew of the existence of no ordinance bearing on the subject. So they're like, I didn't know how to tie.

I didn't know I had to look left and right when crossing the road. I was hit by a car.
Yeah, this is like.

old people, old people always make the joke, like they'll look at the side of a bottle of bleach and be like, look, it says don't drink the bleach. You know, that's made for this generation.

We knew better. And it's like, no, your generation was the person that wasn't tying their horses up.
So you made the labels. You were

siblings died in the crib. Yeah.

Oh, man, good lord. And by the way, you can drink bleach.
You need to dilute it heavily. Sure.
I mean, I've had to

drink test. Yeah.
Yeah, you can drink it. You see the you ever seen the baby cages that they used to hang babies out of in New York? Hold on,

go ahead. They were hanging babies in cages near ACs.
Go ahead. No, it wasn't near an AC.
No, I know what you're talking about.

Yeah, like the out of the window, out of the window, they just like a little

catio. Yeah, and they'd be like this way, the baby can nap with a breeze, and they're on a fucking 40-level thing, and the baby's just in the cage.

While a pelican's just pulling on the soft part of the back of the head. Oh my,

no, and to their their, in their defense, no one told them not to do it. Yep, I agree.

Go ahead, Dave.

I just want to say, don't drink, don't drink bleach, please.

Yeah, that's a fine message. I think, how about this? Both sides.
Some of the people on the show, yeah, I agree. I think it's important to have both sides.
So, Dave, go ahead.

You don't think you should drink bleach? And Corey and I are both going to say, quite simply, it's survivable.

Can't do it.

Mark Baldwin charged with rioting. Mark Baldwin, the famous baseball pitcher, now playing with the Allegheny Club.
He was a right-handed pitcher.

He was a rioting.

Oh, boy. Was arrested last night.

I got to go.

We actually have to leave this up a little early, guys.

Please.

Was arrested last night on a warrant sworn out by Secretary Lovejoy of the Carnegie Steel Company, charging him with aggravated riot at Homestead on July 6th.

He is accused of furnishing rifles to the strikers. His father, a well-known resident and former mill worker of Homestead, furnished bail and he was released to await the grand jury.
Oh, hold on.

I like that. That's a good baseball guy.
That is a great baseball guy. Are you saying that

a person that worked at a steel company is the one that issued a warrant?

Yes, that's how that worked. I mean, I'm very aware that corporations are technically more powerful than our government institutions, but like they actually could just draw up a warrant.

Well, at least now we go through the bullshit process of like telling them to do the warranting.

And, you know, then we are like, oh, that's cool that we actually followed through on some law and order. Right, but this was just very out in the open.

This was where they just, I mean, I actually kind of like this way a little bit better because at least it's all out in the open. No, I agree.
There's no veil. Yeah, there's, you know,

Tim Wilson used to have a great bit about how he would respect congressmen more if when they went to Congress, they were all wearing jackets that had patches of like

the NASCAR. Yeah, like the NASCAR thing.
And I was like, yeah, I mean, I'd still hate them, but like, if people were more honest, at least we'd all know. Yeah.

Unfortunately, now you'd be like, wow, they're all just in the Israeli flag.

Super weird to see that.

Oh,

you Biden colour. colour we can laugh

oh well no it's funny now because a genocide has been committed that's true well is being committed i think yeah yeah committed would mean happened and is happening no it's not done yet no

nope

uh oh this is the next i think kirsten gillibrand is gonna get us out of it i don't know who that is but i agree she's the answer

that's the one this is the next story baldwin resigns with pittsburgh so this is about the same pitcher who just gave all the guns to the yeah pitcher mark baldwins was re-signed today by the pittsburgh club he may pitch tomorrow

wow what a 24 hours this car is having it's been practicing throwing bricks yeah

pitcher gambari was suspended for insubordination has been released

wow that guy was like wait you realize that guy gave like a militia arms they're like yeah unfortunately you're just you're out of line so

we only care about one arm and that's the one attached to his fucking shoulder you know what i mean that's he's signing with the cowboys yep

the woman novelist

corey corey corey

most it better be jk rowling god damn it

Oh, God.

Oh, Christ.

The ladies prefer to to read a novel written by a woman because she always pays particular attention to the dress of her heroine. I'm going to bet

this is a man writing and he just found the greatest angle of the times.

And there she was wearing her long dress. Her underpants went right up her cooter.
She was a woman for sure.

A man will send his heroine on a long journey without changing her dress, although she may have just come in from a horseback ride

where the next day wearing the exact same outfit sheila walked in she demanded a conversation with jefferson whom she'd been awaiting to see he was wearing a new outfit he was respectable this just in men better at editing uh that's what i'm hearing i'm just saying you know you don't have to

We don't we assume that they change clothes.

I agree, though, that like when you read things that a man has, when a man tries to write about a woman or sex, like I'm not trying to be all woke here, but it does seem like a 4chan Redditor.

Like they're always like, her breasts were breasting breastily

beneath her neck, which was only there to accentuate the space between her face and her breast. Her cleavage was better than ever.
Trust me. Real good stuff.
I just whacked off. All right, anyway.

I've been in rooms. I remember when I was in like rooms, like trying to pitch for women, and then

some amazing female writer would pitch, and I'd be like, well, that's obviously. I'm incapable of that.

That's very apathetic towards the plight of that character. That seems like something a woman would do.
Now, what if the fellow walks in?

And furthermore, my favorite part of the latest James Bond movie was when he changed pants on the way to the meeting. The best.

The best.

That's cute.

And these, James, are khakis. Your sadness.
I think you could wear them when you go to an outdoor event or something when it's a little bright.

Match it with a white shirt and maybe a tie of a similar colour or something a bit more beige and yellow. What does it do? It goes eat pretty much anything outside.

We all look unbelievable.

If you can do it to me, you will make shorts.

Sorry, Dave, go ahead. And they've got zippers that you can unzip and they turn into shorts, James.

Khake shorts.

And there's poison in the button, you idiot. It's not just that.
And I'm sure you're wondering, what if I have cargo that I must carry with me? Well, fret not.

These

parts of the pants are also pockets.

Huge ones.

All right, Dave.

Corey's smoking a box. I am smoking a box.
Corey's got a box. Yeah.
Yep.

Dress to a woman is part of her personality in every shade of feeling and every new situation must have a dress to correspond.

I mean, it says a lot.

This is a loaded story.

I like that it started out kind of feminist. Like, women are so much better at writing women.

And then it's just like, because we all know that women's personalities are completely attached to what they're wearing. Nobody can write dresses better than the ones we force into them all the time.

A typical Philadelphia dwelling at the Chicago Exposition.

Among the exhibits at the World's Fair will be a facsimile of a two-story model Philadelphia dwelling. Wow, Miss E

that's very similar to to what we have.

Nobody in Philly knew what he meant by fix simile for the record, just so you know.

That's when you got a broken simile and someone comes over and repairs it. Hey, can you fix simile? Hell yeah.

Yeah, I can fix just about anything.

Miss E.P.

Davis, chairman of the Social and Economic Committee of Pennsylvania Women's Auxiliary, who has charge of the matter, has made the commissioners understand that she wanted to exhibit not a model of what a home might be, but what it actually was.

The house is to be of brick with six rooms and bath, the interior finished exactly as the houses in Philadelphia are.

So did they, did they, did they build it there, or they did like the early version of the oversized load on wagons where you're like, my God, why is this guy moving his whole house?

No, it sounds like they built it there. They just built it.
That's interesting. They did.
They built a house. They moved it there.
They're like, this is what it's like where we are.

Yeah, no, it's we're very, we're doing a very similar thing here, ma'am.

Well, ours is different because it's a Philadelphia house. You don't have

six. We actually, no, yeah, it's a big house, is what it is.
We have those here. And a bath.
And we don't have those in Philadelphia, that's for sure.

We are stinky, illiterate people, and we are proud.

It's just a bucket. Look at that tub, huh? Luxury.

The thing of which Philadelphia has a bona fide reason to be proud of is her homes. Other cities have homes that are neat and pretty and clean.
These ones are shit.

Look at it.

Filled with shards of glass, this Philadelphia house. How bad is this?

These windows won't even open.

How cool is that?

With a view to preservation of the health of their inmates, but no other city has so many of them. So Philadelphia just has what a boast.

A lie. Why would you? Just such a lie.

We've got a bunch of these.

Okay. I swear to God.

Yeah. In no other city

are they erected at such little cost. In no other city are they open to so many people who were everywhere else would be called poor.
Okay. Hey, ma'am, this is the worst exhibit I've seen.

So it's a house. Yeah, yeah, I get that.
You don't understand, but it's in Philadelphia. Oh,

there are a lot of them in Philadelphia. Imagine a city full of abodes.

Thank you. Dwellings.

People live in them. It's almost so.
I don't know what you do in your city. Everyone's looking at me like I'm crazy.
Let me walk you one more time through what I'm presenting here.

Inside of here, people live. Those are rooms.
They live in them too. Okay,

uh-huh. I hate it.

And it's a hat. Yeah, it's a house, you idiot.

Oh, we have a lot of Philadelphia.

They're all up in Chicago too. You can walk down the street.
Because I brought them. Because I brought them.

No. Yes.
None of them have libraries.

Jeez, this guy's at every event lately.

This guy's the worst.

We're reading.

We know of one particular person from Philadelphia who is really.

He's just now, he's just, he's a guy who is so dumb.

He's so dumb.

Yeah. He's like the dumbest.

Burnsian is what people call him. Yeah.

I didn't know Burns was in Philadelphia. I love this.

Oh, yeah. He's.

I'm going to do my Corey impression for the rest. Oh, yeah.
He's

maybe it's because I'm so used to getting arrested that I'm always like this. You're in mug shot mode, but they also do those front facing.
Yeah. Oh, they do.
I mean, it makes sense. Yeah.

That's a good idea. They do.
Corey, Corey. Excuse me.

I'll do the other profile, sir, but you're not getting a front-facing. You never arrested Corey before? He won't face the camera.
You caught old side-face Forster.

He's been on the run for a long time.

Nobody's ever seen it. He used to to be called Moonboy.

Oh, you're talking about Moonboy? Oh, yeah. Moonboy.

A cow jumped over his head and then attacked a bishop.

While Mr. George Keck was enjoying his afternoon smoke in his meat and produce store in Bridgeport yesterday, I was just

all these carcasses banging a heater, and then my day took an uneventful, strange twist. This meat is more expensive because it killed a guy in London.
This is how I smoke meats.

Hello? He was startled. He was startled by seeing a large tarantula make his appearance at the top of a large bunch of bananas.
Sweet God,

look at that pyramid of bananas.

There's a spider with hair upon it.

This day's bending already.

Dude, if I saw a tarantula, it would ruin my day. And even though I know that they're like, really? Because they, well, because

once I realized it was a tarantula, I would be fine. But people are always like, oh, you shouldn't be scared of tarantulas because they can't kill you.

And I'm like, when I first see a spider, I'm not all of a sudden Steve Irwin. I don't, I just know it's a big spider.
Look at his eyes. Yeah.
Like, I don't, I just fuck spiders, dude. There are.

You just fuck them. There are.

That was bad wording. Yeah.
That was very bad wording. I'm going to make webs.
webs. There are places near us,

very close to Gareth and I, where they, at a certain time of year, I guess they're breeding or migrating, but you can just go out and watch them just like cruise across the hills. Nope.
Tons of them.

It's awesome. Nope.
That's awesome. I ever see a tarantula in the wild.
I'm like, just yes. Just more proof that God is truly punishing you, sodomites out there because you just

talking about

earthquakes. You got spiders just running around.
Like, come on, you fucking filthy monsters. We also have plumbing.
Yeah, well, you got us beat on that. Yeah.

He called in Mr. Supley, who happened to be passing at the time.

So he just called, he just called the guy from the street. Supply, get in here.
There's a spider. Oh, yeah.

That sounds pretty nice.

Hell a ha.

I'm glad you boys called me in.

Okay, go now, please. Go now.

A little warmth of the shirts.

What do you all say? We have a layer off competition. So you're spidering.
Let's have our clothes in a pile.

We brought you in here because of a spider. So

this is a house, right? That's what this is. What is this strange area? Excellent.
No, it's my meat and produce store.

Oh, I've got some meat that will produce for you. Righty.
What does that mean? Rub it like a genie lamp and I'll give you as many wishes as you want, my guy. Jesus Christ, there's feral dogs in here.

I'm still aroused.

What do you say we cut some of these carcasses down and see who can fit in them? Hey, put two on the ground. I'll titty fuck them.

But not right between them.

Not between one of their titties. You lay two side by side and you tit fuck the left tit of one and the right tit of the you push them together, so you're technically tit-fucking two people at once.

We call it bad news, gentlemen, we call it

in your store. Hey, hold on, wait a minute.
It's called marinating.

I do not want to be here.

Hey, come on, let me lock it. Another, one more word, and I sick these animals on you.

I'm busting. I'm busting, boys.
Jesus Christ. I'm busting.
Woo!

His tarantula ship was found hiding in a box.

That's the leader.

Your tarantula ship. I want to

bring you a gift of worbing.

Your tarantula ship is unbelievable. What an honor again.

Yes, a pro.

Oh, God. Your tarantula ship.
That's the dumbest, greatest thing I've ever heard. Your tarantula ship.

Your tarantula ship. That's so stupid.

Yes, when you leave the room, don't turn your eyes on me. All of them.
He was found hiding in a box of canned tomatoes.

An old broom handle was procured.

Awesome situation for him. He was like, I'll tell you what, tomatoes are pretty delicious.

Yeah, I was about to say, I don't know if he was hiding. I think he just found some tomatoes.
He didn't know he was being looked for.

Yeah, I don't know if he knew he was being looked for. Shit.

An old broom handle was procured, in one end of which was inserted a large needle, which was promptly run through the venomous spider.

They were this is like how Corey would handle it. Yeah, well, I just hit him with the broom.
Like, I don't know why you have to.

The one needle? Yeah, like, that seems like it took, like, by the time you did that, you could probably also find a way to just, like, get the tarantula. 1992 MacGyver.

Yeah, just throw the tomato can outside. He's in there.
You know what I mean? No, no, no. We got to figure out how to make this string, needle, and broom work in conjunction together.

Yeah, as much as I hate spiders, if I could free them from my home instead of killing them, I would and have. You can.
And I have. I have.

I'm just saying, sometimes they get right in your face and you get scared to eyes. They get right in your face.
Yeah. They get right in your face.
What's up, bitch?

Your tarantula ship.

Yeah, your tarantula ship. We're on a mission from our queen.

The tarantula ship.

The insect was of light gray color and was eight inches long. Ooh.
Been there.

After it had been exhibited for some time, it was taken to March's packing house where it was cremated.

Cremated. What a nice shine they put on burning it alive.

The ashes were given to its tarantula wife, and she will spread it where she must. What are you doing with that magnifying glass? I'm just cremating ants, my lord.
It's how they want to go.

Dave yelling at that's it

that's it no jazz hands if you're gonna do that

that's good okay

well uh you know uh we learned very little

I don't think much was learned from this Corey any lessons of the people of Philadelphia yeah

fools

so Corey remind us again where people can find you your podcast I understand you have an overall with Facebook. Yeah, yeah, I know.
I wear overalls on Facebook. You had that backwards.

But, yeah, CoreyRyanForster.com, which is where you can find all the tickets to see me everywhere. And there's also a link to my bonus site, my Hero Hero, where you can find all my bonus podcasts.

I do the well-read podcast, putting on airs, public domain sleepy time theater, coming soon, four score and seven beers.

But other than that, I'm just a prolific guest on this wonderful podcast that is better than anything I could ever do. Wow.
Dave, that must make you feel good.

Oh, I write for the Atlanta Journal Constitution, too, so please go read that so they'll keep paying me. And are you working on a book? No, I did.
I'd already done that.

I mean, I'm constantly kind of working on a book, but no one's given me money for it yet, so I'm not doing it that hard. I wait till they give me a book.
I think we'd like to make you an offer. Okay.

I think we'd like to make you an offer. Let's sidebar on that.
Yeah.

Yeah. All right, great.

And it won't sell well in Philadelphia. You know what I mean? Okay.

Jesus Christ. We've really, we're supposed to go there at some point.
Feels like that show's over. Oh, I love illiterate people.
And I know that where I'm from, we can't read either.

I just happened to see this the other day, that the people of Philadelphia were a bunch of rock chewing dumbasses, you know?

Rock chewers.

Nothing said.

Corey,

if anyone finds the fart files, where should they reach out to you? On your Instagram? Yeah, or buttercreamcorey at gmail.com, which is where I take all of my fan mail.

You know what your new podcast should be? What's that? Dave watches Corey talk. Yeah, that would be good.

He just

his face. He just reacts to that.
Yeah. And it's nice because it's like, I get a lot of those looks, but I feel like pound for pound, you are rocking a lot of them today.
Yep.

He's giving you a lot of no's.

Every time I do this podcast, and I still feel this way right now, I go, they're not going to have me back. And then sure enough,

someone cancels, and here I am. No, not even cancels.

No.

Burns just says, tomorrow, Corey. And Dave goes, not again.
That's true. I did that.

I specifically got Burns on my podcast team just so I would constantly have to be in y'all's lives. Yeah, no, it's working.

Well, I'll see you next weekend. And

Dave, any update on the dogs or should we just get out of here? They're still alive. Okay.
That's a strange way to put it. Thanks, everybody.

Some of these days.

You'll miss me, honey.

Hey, Dollop fans. I know you love the dollop.
You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about?

By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation, and we are starting to animate some of our episodes.

So if you want to go watch a five-parter animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of The Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of The Rube.

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And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them.

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