128 - The Past Times with Andrea More

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All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history pickup by Dave.

And I've never seen it before, and neither of you guessed this week.

It seems like you threw your microphone before we started.

Was that

spaced or something?

She then knocked it over.

She's like, fuck this shit.

I was just really excited

and angry at the same time.

Believe me, that's Dave Anthony's gear.

What the fuck just happened?

Andrea, you will be opening for Sean Keene

in San Francisco?

Yes, on May 14th at the Punchline Comedy Club.

Okay, great club.

Great club.

I like it.

It was my home club starting out.

They've legally asked you to stop saying that, Dave.

So at some point, you're going to.

I mean, I lived there.

I had a cot, and I

lived there.

Okay, that's fine.

Yeah.

Well, that's exciting.

Should we just jump into it?

I mean, Andrew, do you know you?

This is no shame if you've never listened to the show, but we're going to guess what year this paper is from.

Now, Dave has picked it, and I would say it's probably going to be 1800s, 1900s, could be 1700s, probably not.

You get to guess what year you think it's from with no information.

I'll also guess, and you'll win okay i mean we don't know that yes we do everything's rigged these days this thing is rigged yeah i'm gonna guess 1907 and i feel really good about that guess i think i think you should you should i'm gonna guess 1899.

oh andrea wins it's 1888 but it's the 1907 1888.

it's wrong see that's does that make sense no it doesn't that's why andrea looks confused and i look mad No, this is the face I make when I'm really connecting.

Oh, that's you locked in.

That's right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, there you go.

Congratulations on being further away from it and still winning somehow.

Thank you.

Well, it's there's a hiccup in that,

you know, the year you picked was whatever, blah, blah, blah.

And

there's a skip in the timeline.

Anyway,

it's the evening capital of Annapolis, Maryland, August 8th, 1888.

It's a big, great year.

Great.

Did you say August 8th?

Yeah.

So this is 8, 8, 88.

So Reagan had just been re-elected.

So this is Reagan.

That's right.

This is the Reagan years.

Yeah.

We were all getting rich.

Oh, blue jeans were popping.

Credit cards were new.

McDonald's was in Russia.

Democracy had been exported.

Pizza Hut was in Russia.

Was it McDonald's?

I know Pizza Hut was.

He's called Hut of Pizza.

What are you doing?

Some comedy.

Whenever you're ready.

Andrea, I can treat Gareth as hostile, right?

No.

I'm going to wait till we've been podcasting for like 15 minutes to become antagonistic.

So why don't you,

when you're ready, just let us know the verdict whenever you're ready.

Okay, great.

Thank you.

Copy that.

thank you

apparel for hot weather this is page one

apparel for hot weather

for hot weather okay

when it comes to invented

when it comes to the apparel question we find a problem difficult of solution i mean this is when you just want to slap someone for writing a sentence like that yeah I agree.

Like he's like trying to make extra words for no reason.

Yes.

But maybe this is like, you know, in in the aughts when they were being paid like a dollar per word could be it could be totally could be yeah

is this condi nast is that the publication yes this is condi nast that's right how did you know that yeah yeah supposed to be a lucky guess

uh what to wear for the greatest comfort this i hear shocking to have this be like

pants not great for the summer

that feeling you have is universal i mean you know where this is going right away.

I hear my fat and hasty friend say, why the thinnest white cotton garment you can possibly buy.

So his fat, his fat friend.

That is when being fat was a compliment, like basically saying

upper middle class.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's got gravy thighs.

I actually, where I thought it was going, Dave, was that men should be allowed to have fashion freedom and women keep it all under wraps.

Wear duvets.

Yeah, hide it.

Yeah.

Not quite, old fellow.

If you do that, you may find it a snare.

And one of these days, with their sudden changes, will bring you a summer pneumonia.

Hmm.

A summer pneumonia.

Well, look, I think they're confused about how

chest infections happen.

Sure.

What is summer pneumonia?

Why would someone get that?

I don't understand.

No,

I think they're saying that if you

wear what he wants to wear,

that you'll get a cold and then summer pneumonia.

But there's no summer pneumonia.

So they're saying that'll happen because of what you're wearing.

Jesus Christ.

Okay, and this is all in the lead.

Yeah.

The idea that this is all

figure all this out.

They're like, what's the most important information?

Yeah.

Welcome to the Monday Night Clues.

Cotton is not an absorbent and is no more fit to be worn next to the skin than a coat of mail would be.

What?

That's not true.

Yeah,

what a no, actually.

Thank you.

What about cotton is absorbent?

Is this another one of your hints?

No.

Not to sound like a fan,

but I remember the episode of the dollop.

Have you guys, do you guys know that show?

I don't know what that is now.

Okay.

the episode you did about deodorant

and and how

advertisers appealed to men and said if you wear deodorant you might get a job because you're so stinky during the great depression oh my god

i don't remember gareth you have to listen to this episode i would love to

it's shocking how many of the episodes i haven't been on to be honest in retrospect it seems like i missed a lot that's hilarious to be like,

don't be stinky.

It'll help.

Yeah.

But as you're reading this, Dave, it just makes me think about, again, how stinky people were up until like 2023.

Yeah, they were terrible smelling.

They told they smelled terrible.

They had no clue either.

And it's really the breath, I think, that would get you.

Yeah.

Really?

I think it's like the movements, people gesticulating.

Like, please don't talk with your arms.

Yeah, I get that.

I have a friend who in college just was like, I'm done with deodorant.

And I was like, that's not a you call.

And it really was a friendship-changing event.

Like it made you closer.

Yeah, I was just attracted to him.

The pheromone,

everything got hotter.

Just as long as they weren't wearing cotton.

Yeah,

disgusting.

Imagine.

And you went to, you, you, uh, you matriculated matriculated in 1888, right, Gary?

Yeah, yes, I went to BO.

Yep.

That's so stupid.

No, it isn't.

It's smart.

It's a smart joke.

I'm embarrassed about that.

Actually, I went to PU.

Oh, you have a master's?

I have my master's at PU, and then my undergrad was BO.

Guys, that's as good as it's going to get.

Short episode today.

Yeah, yeah.

It holds the person.

I think we're talking about cotton still.

It holds the perspiration.

When are we not?

Excretions.

Classicas.

And excretions of the body.

Jesus Christ.

What is the what?

I'm a little grossed out at this point.

What is cotton again?

Cotton holds the perspiration and excretions of the body.

Of those million little sewers.

Sounds like one of my husband.

Is that an excerpt from The Body Keeps the Score?

I think so.

What?

I don't know if anyone's ever

committed libel against cotton so strongly.

Of these million little sewers, in its meshes.

A million little sewers.

Yeah, that's what you're saying.

Leave cotton alone.

Your pores are little sewers.

Yeah, God.

In its meshes.

There's little turtles hanging out.

Yeah, yeah.

That's right.

In suspension, as it were.

And when you stand in a breezy place, you feel this foreign presence by the cold, clammy sensation, which brings out the expression that someone is walking over your grave.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Oh, my God.

I hate when someone walks over my grave.

Can you take another route?

Enough.

I'm a huge fan.

Like, I love it.

Oh, my God.

Underwear should always be constructed constructed of woolen material, which

is made as light and flimsy as desired.

It is cooler than cotton and far more cleanly.

See,

this is Richard Guernsey, MD, who said that.

Guernsey.

And you're reading from the weather section?

Yeah, this is.

This is the five.

This is just page one in the paper.

This is just all very normal.

Just about how cotton is a shirt sewer?

That's right.

What's the problem?

And so to reiterate, they're saying that underwear should be like as thin as possible.

In this era, I couldn't agree with that less.

When you're talking about the armpits, now I'm thinking crotch, and it's concerning.

Why are you thinking crotch?

Because he has summer pneumonia.

Yeah, come on, Dave.

He's sick, buddy.

It's almost June.

Jesus Christ.

All right.

So, you got a hot pair of pants on?

Panties?

Garrett?

No, no, that's not what I'm saying.

Hot wool pants.

Hot wool panties.

Oh, no, no, no.

Come and get them.

Once, Sam.

Me on the bar.

Hot wool panties.

Hot wool panties.

Eat some nuts out of these hot wool panties.

Babe Ruth wears them, and so can you.

Babe Ruth's fucking underwear should be in a museum somewhere.

Oh.

Just as the glass shatters from from inside.

I would like to see a heist movie about the team that tries to steal those from the museum.

National League treasure.

Yes.

Need it.

All right.

Dreams of the blind.

This is going to be bad.

Of course.

It's going to be bad.

It's going to be terrible.

Yep.

The dreams of the blind are of great importance.

It's true.

I don't disagree so far.

And the fact that persons are...

But like before I interrupt, I don't care how able-bodied or not you are.

I don't want to hear about your dreams.

They're boring.

I agree.

I want to talk about my dreams.

I don't agree.

You're like the Subway takes guy who shows up on night and stays.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, okay.

100% agree.

Ah, fuck.

Wait, Dave, I got to come back.

I fucking unplugged the wrong thing.

It sounds terrible.

Yeah.

Hold on.

Sorry.

Reynolds.

Summer pneumonia for you.

What an ass.

Well, I guess I'm your co-host going forward.

I have so much availability, so this is great.

That's yeah.

Sorry, we had to fire him.

That's okay.

Sorry.

I was trying to charge my computer and I pulled out the wrong fucking cord like an idiot.

That is something an idiot would do.

I agree.

Am I okay, Dave?

I mean, define what that means.

I know.

In life,

I could work some stuff out for you just for life.

I agree.

Okay.

All right.

Sorry about that.

So disrespectful to the blind.

Yeah.

And deaf.

I mean,

that was very coincidental.

It was not great what I just did.

I'm not going to lie.

When I move my left arm, the wire moves.

Can you hear that?

No.

No.

No.

Okay.

Okay, so I should try to make it loud.

I should try to make it whatever you want.

Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry for interrupting, Dave.

Well, it won't happen again for a couple more moments.

We have you here not to talk, but just sit there and be seen, but not heard.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Sounds like you're doing a lot of hearing now.

Reynolds.

Dave.

Andrea.

Are we just saying each other's names?

Yeah.

Moore.

It's going good.

Moore!

That's right.

That's right.

Backwards.

Ah!

I think we should be on CNN.

I agree.

The dreams of the blind are of great importance, and the fact that persons born blind never dream of seeing is established by the investigations of competent inquirers.

That's what they used to call detectives.

Now they don't.

I don't know.

And another true.

No.

I'll answer.

That can't be true, right?

No, I'm so full of it today.

Yeah.

If you could never see, wouldn't you just create in your mind versions of what you think it would be and then you would dream about that?

I'll answer as the only blind person here.

I've often wondered when you listen to Stevie Wonder, that's why they call him Stevie Wonder.

You always wonder.

So much of what he writes is visual.

Like, there's so many things where I'm like, what is he doing?

Like, superstition.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But he is.

He's like writing something nasty on the bathroom wall.

And I'm like, Stevie?

Yeah, but that's Braille.

He's writing Braille.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Okay, well, this is what AI says, because so this can be.

Steve, you just destroyed a Brazilian rainforest by yes, fuck them.

I need to know about blind people dreaming.

Jaira.

My God.

What's more important?

Yeah, he's a real balsi.

AI says, yes, people do dream, although their dreams can differ from those of sighted individuals.

While sighted people often dream with vivid visual images, blind individuals may dream more with other senses like sound, taste, touch, and smell.

I don't understand.

I dream of people wearing cotton.

Yeah.

Nightmare.

I dream of just me in wool panties in a desert.

I dream of genie.

Dave dreams of people wearing hats, or as we call it, I dream a beanie.

I'm going to apologize.

I'm going to unplug everything.

I apologize.

Listen, I'm sorry, Andrea.

I didn't mean it.

So so this is the crazy thing about it, this question that I gave to the internet.

I don't think blind people don't dream.

I just want to know how they dream.

And it keeps going, yes, yes, blind people dream.

Oh, you mean they're people?

Oh, okay.

Thanks for thanks for answering that.

Of course, they dream.

I think they dream.

I just don't think they feel.

Yeah.

Great.

Great.

And by the way, I'm allowed to say that because I'm a very hateful person.

Oh, I thought you were going to go somewhere else.

Okay.

I'm allowed to say that.

I'm awful.

Okay, so recent research suggests that people who are blind from birth or otherwise can still experience visual images in their dreams.

Yes, that's what I thought.

Yes,

that makes sense.

It would not make sense any other way.

It's like you're looking for a problem that's not there.

I could text my blind friend.

I had a question for my blind buddy.

Was he born a blind or did he have a break?

I think he lost it.

I think he lost it.

I guess I would ask him, like,

how long are you going to keep up this charade?

Yeah.

Well, I've tried.

And then say, do you have a soul?

Like, just start it

from baseline.

But smell it.

He looks S-O-L-E.

So I'm not going to...

Dominic, we're sorry.

Just say, I would just say, like,

what are, are your dreams?

Yeah.

I mean,

if he lost it, I think it would be a little bit different than you're born with it.

Yeah, that's what I like.

I think the idea is like, what's a, what's the visuals of a dream like?

You want me to call him?

No, that's now it's getting weird.

I think it's a bad call to make.

I have to let my dog that Dave hates outside.

He's just, he's.

I don't hate that dog.

Well, you don't like that.

I don't like that you put shoes on your fucking dog.

It's shooting.

I need a shoe on the shoes.

What the fuck is happening right now?

Give me one moment.

Mate, they don't need shoes.

What do you do with the dog?

Well, I have to just let him out.

I'm just going to open the door.

She puts pictures up on Instagram and just the dog and shoes.

And it's not like, I get like if it's hot pavement, okay, put shoes on your dog.

But she just does it for the hell of it on like a Wednesday and the temperature is 70 degrees out.

Okay.

I don't know whose side I'm on, but I think I'm closer to Andrea's side than yours.

She also thinks buildings should look like trees.

So the whole thing.

I think it's cute to paint your house with a little apple tree on it.

Oh, your dog's very cute.

Oh, thank you.

He only wears shoes when it's,

so people in my neighborhood put these signs on their lawns that say, you know, like 84 degrees outside can be like 93 degrees on the concrete.

for the dogs.

So when it's really hot out, I put the shoes on his paws, but I just took a picture of him the other day when it wasn't that hot.

And I said, ladies and gentlemen, mr.

Shoes and everyone loved it and then Dave

didn't like it that's that's Dave's gear that's Dave's whole thing

he's a contrarian yes

they call me Jimmy Dore

they call him Mr.

Shoes

cotton shoes I'm guessing look who comes crawling back

Well, it's more he's trotting more than crawling.

Okay, fair.

So far as we know, there is no proof of a single instance of a person born blind ever in dreams fancying what he saw.

What the fuck does that mean?

What are you talking about?

What does that mean?

That is such crazy.

That is such seeing person shit.

I feel like the writer is so antagonistic towards blind people that, of course, no one's going to talk to you about their dreams.

You're a nightmare to talk to.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

That's right.

Yeah.

I have some questions about what's wrong with you

and how you're fucked up.

And it'll be in the paper.

Then it'll be in the paper.

The subject has been treated by Joseph Jastrow in the Presbyterian Review.

Oh, good.

Wait, Jastrow?

Jastrow.

Do you have an issue with the name Jastrow?

No, I have.

I'm going to call my friend Jastrow right now and get him on the phone.

He has examined nearly 200 persons of both sexes in the institutions for the blind in Philadelphia.

32 became blind before completing their fifth year and not one of these 32 seconds.

By the way, can we just call

birthdays from now on should be called completing whatever year?

That is completing your fifth year.

You finished.

I just graduated to six.

Are you going to have a party?

I'm having a party.

I've completed another year.

32 became blind before completing their fifth year, and not one of these 32 sees in dreams.

Concerning Laura bridgman the blind and deaf mute professor stanley hall quoted by mr jastro says quote sight and hearing are absent from her dreams as they are from dark and silent world which alone she knows that's you can't just you're dreaming yourself can't be black she dreams in nothings

you

go ahead dave get mad i mean the whole thing is just to make them it's very strange they're not like us.

My issue.

I'm like, this isn't news.

No, it's not.

I think I agree as well with that.

But the news to me is they dream of void.

Yeah, that's

breaking news.

Yeah, right.

Front page news.

Yeah, it's horseshit.

Horseshit.

I said it.

I think it is.

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This hot weather will be making this is just a random there's no headline

this hot weather will be making the corn of the corn

this hot weather will be the making of the corn crop and a bountiful yield of that cereal will make this country even in a presidential year to blossom like a rose

famous last words

yeah just like last year

a big corn crop will put an end to the railroad wars out west and thus add to the general prosperity

i mean so so

once again corn so

back to corn yeah

we one thing i'm noticing is that we have a lot of corn now almost too much corn but back then it was never enough corn we've overcorrected

as we're hearing

corn can change the world it can stop the wars you can it's just once you're heavy on corn a chance honestly Yeah.

Corn was like the Bitcoin of the 1880s.

It was called Bitcoin back then.

Don't still encourage.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This ought to be consolation enough to endure this kind of weather for a season.

Oh, they're saying, enjoy the hot weather because it's going to, it's going to, we're going to a lot of corn.

Your pain now is future corn.

It's hot, but we're going to get full corn.

My son passed away from the heat, but you're going to get a lot of corn this fall i don't have a voice um but i have a question which is that is this a national newspaper is this a voice

this seems like a voice that you're making now yeah go back to your regular one

do your yeah is this a national paper yeah bring back bring back andrea do they have those

uh there there was a yeah right dave like were they reading this in california no

sometimes at this time they did did have like an AP, so you could get stuff off the wire.

You could get college credit.

Yeah.

Yes.

College credit.

That's right.

A PU.

Yeah.

Listen.

Shout out.

Go Lions.

Queer people.

Careful.

Everyone, careful.

We're going in.

Queer people, some of these religionists.

Oh, I see what I see.

Queer people, some of these religion.

He left out a word that he could.

at Ocean Grove Saturday night.

The singing of a Boston lady so enthused 8,000 people attending the meeting of the National Temperance Society that they entirely forgot themselves and their applause ran into a tumultuousness that almost caused a riot.

See, that's why you need booze.

Yeah, exactly.

Now you're going to like

a riot over clapping.

It's like,

yeah, it really is.

Yeah.

it's a Brendan Frazier in the center of another clap riot.

You got to be drunk if you're going to riot.

The police always started

with a clap riot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They always do.

Fuckers.

The vocalist had to repeat her solo to quell the tumult.

Oh, so that's one way to stop riot that we lost to history is you sing.

I've been in the center of a couple riots trying to sing and it did not work.

What did you sing?

Tub thumping.

But he forgot the words.

Yeah, well, it's a confusing song.

And most, and a lot of it sounds just like talking.

I was like, wait, I'm about to sing.

I drink a whiskey drink.

I drink a vonka drink.

I drink a laga drink.

I drink a side drink.

I sing the songs.

Hold on.

Ah, and then I'm beaten.

Yeah.

It sounds like your fault a little bit.

I don't agree.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now that the Canadian government has called off its cruisers, instructed its lawyers to discontinue proceedings against captured fishing craft, and back completely down from its policy due bluster and annoyance, it would not be well to put behind us all this miserable, petty squabbling about mackerel and cultivate

another mackerel argument.

Wow.

And

about mackerel and cultivate larger trade, better acquaintance and friendlier relations with our neighbors next door.

So we were having mackerel fights.

So they were trading mackerel.

I just want to get this right.

They were trading mackerel to the U.S.

in exchange for Bitcorn.

Yep.

Yes, Bitcorn.

Yes.

And then we had more corn than they had mackerel.

So,

you know, now we got to do tariffs.

Right.

Of course.

What else are you going to do?

Something I definitely understand.

Well, and I,

this is so funny to hear Canada as its own country because now I just picture it as a big part of America.

Right.

It's like Texas.

It's ours.

Yeah.

But

kind of stupid.

Yeah.

It's like I mean less measles.

I call it measle-less Texas.

Thank you.

But we're going to get them measles.

Huh?

For sure.

We're going to get them measles.

We're going to measles.

Yeah, we'll give them measles.

Yeah.

For mackerel.

Mackerel for measles.

You give us mackerel.

We'll give you measles, you fucking weirdos.

It's called trading.

Yeah, ever

making a deal.

Did a stand-up set for that non-profit.

By the way, I mackerel for measles.

Now, let's just jump out quickly because we've worked with mackerel for measles.

There's a benefit show that I was on.

We've worked with them for a long time.

We've worked with them for a long time, and they do great work.

You know, and that's very nice to hear.

That's good for you to get.

I bombed, but, you know, it was the thought.

Who doesn't?

Some of the hardest people are the people who eat mackerels and have measles.

Oh, I get so hard after eight mackerels.

It's crazy.

I really do.

It's nuts.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

It's just crazy.

Yeah.

And that's why I'll just sometimes back up a whole mackerel truck and just dump it in Gareth's yard.

I go wild.

I basically, by the end, it looks like salt burn mackerel.

I'm just in there yard humping.

By the way, that's another Chumba Wumba song, yard humping.

It's actually very different.

It's a different one.

Yeah.

It's a mackerel mouth.

Yeah, no.

Oh, God, I got another text in the Democrat.

Secretary Whitney of the Navy has ordered Rear Admiral Luce to send all Rear Admiral Luce.

Hold on.

That is fucking.

Now I'm mackerel hard.

Rear Admiral Luce?

Hello.

Yeah.

Hello.

Don't mind if I do.

That's actually, that'd be a good name for.

I'd rather Rear Admiral tight.

Or

ordered Rear Admiral Luce to send all available ships of the North Atlantic Squadron to the Canadian fishing waters to protect the interests of our American fishermen.

This is done pending the ratification of the treaty negotiations in the event of any trouble.

The appearance of the American and Canadian warships in the same waters may give it a resemblance of war, but we hope there will be no outbreak.

Man, I had no idea we almost went to war over mackerel.

It's really amazing.

We're always this close.

Yeah, always.

Yeah, just whatever.

Yeah, I mean, it's just like, you know, mineral fine earth minerals, whatever we're looking for at the time.

Mackerel used to, because didn't phones used to run on on mackerel, Dave, or am I drunk?

Yeah, yeah, that's why we had to kill Lumumba.

That's right.

Think about it.

History smiles upon.

Just

we really had no choice.

Yeah, no, our whole, America's whole history is basically, you want to fucking try me?

That's the democracy everywhere.

Not so fast, actual democracy.

Yeah, how dare you?

And I also, it's like, I didn't even vote for Admiral Luce.

Is that true?

Well, I did write in.

Yeah, okay.

That's pretty cool.

So I did vote, but.

Okay.

Gareth voted for Admiral Tite, obviously.

Okay.

I'm just going to leave you there.

Sorry, I don't know what just happened, honestly.

Really faded into that.

A curious fatality is reported to have followed the parties to a suit in Washington County in Illinois.

The man making the note to secure the payment of which he gave a mortgage on his farm and flowering mill died just after the foreclosure proceedings on the property had taken place.

He's just a youngin'.

Then one.

Yeah, just a youngin'.

Then one of the mortgagees died, and soon afterwards.

That's the right term.

I think.

Anyone who's dealt in real estate knows that that term holds up.

We held on to that for sure.

What did someone think of the mortgage?

The mortgage.

And soon afterward, the master in Chancery, who by order.

Again, another one.

Yeah, this is anyone who's tried to close on a house is very familiar with all of these terms because they've held up.

Your roof wizard.

The master in Chancery.

I don't want to know that person's master in Chancery.

So you just have to sign a couple more documents, and then the master in chancery will come over.

He'll fight the notary, and if the notary survives, then you are in

escrow.

Escrow!

Just a picture of me in front of my first house holding a mackerel.

I did it!

Soon afterward, the master of chancery, who by order of the court was to have made the sale, died.

What?

That means it's yours.

Well, this is a cursed house.

This is a cursed mortgage.

Yeah.

Right?

Sure.

It's a haunted mortgage?

Which mortgage is on?

Thank you.

Yeah.

This death of the sheriff who served.

The sheriff's dead too?

Wasn't it interchangeable?

Yeah.

What's happening?

Okay.

The death of the sheriff who served the writ soon followed.

Oh, I see.

We interrupted.

And then, and then the son of the original owner who was the executor of the estate died.

No, but

this is a haunted mortgage.

Holy shit.

Or will

the writer isn't including is that they died 25 years apart.

Each death is

on a night just like tonight.

Oh, this is one of those ones that if you want to close on the property, you have to spend a full night in it alone.

And then it's yours.

Yeah, they don't really give any timeline on this.

So it totally discover decades.

Yeah, well, they wouldn't.

Why would they tell you that?

Next, the other mortgage he died, leaving the interest in the mortgage to two nephews, one of whom shortly died.

Two nephews.

What?

What the fuck is happening?

Two nephews.

Wait, so the order is

Admiral, or is that a Admiral?

Admiral.

No, are we doing Admirals?

No, there's Admiral.

No, Chancellor to Sheriff to two nephews.

No, you left one out.

And the son.

So

the original guy dies.

The mortgageee dies.

And then the master of chancery dies.

I'm glad he's gone, by the way.

He was no angel.

Yeah.

And then the sheriff died, which

Dave.

Okay.

And then

the son of the original owner, who was executor, died, and then the more and then the next mortgagee died.

And then the nephews died.

And then one of the nephews died.

One of them.

One of them died.

Okay.

I'm really.

So the last guy is like just fucking sitting pretty.

It's like, I'm fucking rich.

You got it all.

Sure.

I mean, he has no one to share it with, but that's the American dream.

Well, maybe there's a niece.

In this time?

This is before nieces were invented.

It's just called your sister's kid.

Thus making the seventh death of parties connected with the case each death has of course delayed proceedings and for once the grim monster seems to have got the best of the courts the grim monster

i think he's talking about the grim reaper no no relationship

excuse me this is my cousin the grim monster hi i can't kill i thought it was his nephew

it could be nephew Well, whatever.

So the nephew got it.

I'm happy.

This is a happy story.

No, it is.

15 people died for one guy to get a house, kind of.

It's just nice to hear a nephew secure a W for once.

You don't hear enough anymore.

You really don't.

There's not enough feel-good nephew stories anymore.

Well,

it doesn't make a good headline.

No, it's true.

Nephew succeeds, pass.

Nah, nobody cares.

The hottest day, Saturday and Sunday, where kids are obsessed with these fucking weather.

They're like, oh my God, shit's going to be sweaty on Sunday.

Well,

think about the corn.

It's like they did that, nothing beyond small talk had been invented yet.

Yeah, it really is.

So all the articles were about the weather.

It's just like it's this paper, should be called The Things My Grandma Said Over the Weekend.

It could be so grandmas were invented, but not

allegedly.

If allegedly.

Talk about wool underwear.

What?

What?

Grandmas.

Huh?

Yeah.

I brought it back.

To what?

See you later.

Wool underwear was in the first story.

It was cotton.

Oh, I wasn't there for that.

No, he said you should wear wool.

That was a half hour ago.

Nobody knows what you're talking about.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, the mortgage.

Fuck you, Reynolds.

That's funny.

That was funny.

Saturday and Sunday were considered the hottest days since the heat term began, but we think today takes the cake.

We, we're using weeds.

So, so it's hot enough to be a news story.

Take a, you guys guess what, how hot you think it'll be

like 68.

Yaza!

94.

Oh, the thermometer at 10 a.m.

stood at 96 in the shade, and at 12 noon, 98 degrees.

96 in the shade.

I like that.

That's like burning hot for the 1880s.

Yeah.

Now it's like Tuesday.

Yeah.

In consequence of the intense heat, but few persons were seen upon our streets, and mechanics that were engaged upon buildings, exposed to the sun's rays, were compelled to leave work.

What?

Excuse me.

Nope.

There'll be no leaving of work.

No one wants to work anymore.

Yeah.

Yeah,

you just die.

I couldn't agree more.

That must be where your last name comes from.

I couldn't agree more.

I couldn't agree, Andrea Moore.

That's your first album, correct?

Yes, thank you.

You guys done?

Wow.

I'm actually sitting on a pregnant pause.

No, actually, I'm done.

That's what they call her more less.

That's the name of my third album.

Don't have a second album.

Interesting.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Character in thumbs, a French writer, judges women by their thumbs.

Okay.

Well,

let's see your thumbs.

Oh, you better pay me extra for the thumbs.

Judgment thumbing.

I want to join your only thumbs, huh?

Oh, come on.

Oh, look down.

No, no.

What a roller cost there.

Which has not been invented.

Those with large thumbs are said to be more likely to possess native intelligence, while the small thumbs indicate feeling.

I like this kind of phrenology because thumb phrenology.

It's correct.

Yeah.

Because it's correct.

Science has proven this out.

This big-thumbed woman does not feel a thing.

That's how they know I'm a Jew.

They measured my thumb.

There we are.

We've got a Jew.

I don't.

So this, but nobody's...

Like, if you're a big person, you have bigger thumbs.

And if you're a smaller person, you have smaller thumbs.

Excuse me, Dave.

I would remove that from the show if you want to have a career.

That is so

offensive.

That is so funny.

I don't know what subreddits you're on.

Honestly, where you're hearing that, but that's crazy.

I've met many

fat people with small thumbs and skinny with hitchhiker digits.

It's disgusting.

David, it's 2025.

Can you explain hitchhiker digits?

The larger the thumb, the more likely the ride.

I don't think that's

yes, it's true.

How many small thumbs have you picked up?

Many.

Okay, all right.

Well, there you go.

Many small thumbs.

Okay.

Many small thumbs.

Sure.

Particularly

monkeys.

Have you ever listened to the Chumbawamba song?

Tub Thumb Mink?

The one about gravy?

Keep reading.

Next story.

We've lost Andrea.

I mean, she's...

Yeah, she's out.

She checked out.

She's like, why are you?

Sorry, I'm just sitting with my thumbs in Scott.

Yeah, yeah.

But now she feels like...

She's become self-conscious.

Yes.

It feels like so much.

Yeah.

You got great thumbs.

We're all looking at your thumbs.

Okay, you know what?

I was fishing.

We're looking for mackerel.

I'm rich.

Colonel Bob Ingersoll recently said: if I were governor and a woman who has been abused

by

it's yeah, it could go either way.

I don't like it already.

It could go either way.

I don't like it.

And a woman who has been abused and kicked by her husband got up in the night and cut off his head with an axe, I'd give her a public reception.

Oh, there we go.

A feel-good story.

He,

yeah, he is very much

for

the execution of

abusers.

Abusers.

That's good.

But I would also say.

Like Lorena Bobbitt.

Not through the courts.

True.

Definitely not through the courts.

No.

He's saying women should cut off their husband's head if their husband abuses them.

Yep.

Which I'm kind of okay with.

I mean, it's going to create

a little more chaos in our society, but just lop the head off.

I'm for it.

What's the loss?

He cuts off the head.

He losses the head.

Yeah, well, yeah.

Technically.

Well,

you mentioned Lorena Bobbitt there, Andrea.

That seems,

you know, that's

not okay.

You're still not over there.

Kind of dickish.

You know what I mean?

Oh, that's funny.

Can I see the thumbs again, please?

No.

Yeah, that's our,

I don't know.

I don't know if there's an equivalent.

That's penis 9-11.

I don't know if there's an equivalent of women that have ever been wronged, but that's our.

No, you attach a penis.

That's the opposite.

Kind of an Elon Musk situation.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Dave, don't look.

Dave, we're on the same team right now, so I'm going to need to.

I don't know if we are.

Oh, woman.

You're a penis, 9-11.

That was.

You attach a penis.

Yeah, penis 9-11.

I think that was an inside job.

Yeah, that was, yeah, that was.

Yeah, if I have my way, it is.

And by the way, just like real 9-11, it wouldn't happen if Mark Wahlberg was there.

That's true.

Okay.

Thank you.

Yeah, okay.

Steel doesn't melt steel penises.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Jesse Matura has talked about it a lot.

A lot.

A lot.

The colonel, in his floor, ways, says many brilliant things, but as a good lawyer and jurist, this is not a wise recommendation.

So the paper's saying don't cut off the head of abusers.

Okay.

Don't agree.

But they're not going to get, no one's going to put them in jail in this time.

They're going to be like, well, what'd she do?

So

she got lippy.

Was he the guy who said this was he kind of what was considered like like a woke guy yeah back then like he was just saying that to get pussy right yeah i think he probably

yeah yeah yeah

like he's going up to women and saying i think if a woman is abused by her husband she should be allowed to cut off

You know,

it's a lot like, and then it's the like the Twitter allies who like right after that for like four years like, man, I was fucking so sick of these abusive pieces of shit.

And then it was like, Hey, by the way, he like sexually harassed me and uh kissed me when I didn't want it.

Well, yeah, a few months later, this guy was missing his head, yeah, for sure.

What was that?

A sound effect, yeah.

No, now are you?

Yeah, what are you doing over there?

Like, you literally did you just drop a goldfish from a ladder into a mug?

What just happened?

Okay, so I'm trying a new thing in my

sound.

Cannot be replicated.

It's kind of a Rube Goldberg device, but for sound.

Unreal.

Doing radio plays.

It's really good.

Oh, this is what this is.

When that happened, I was like, they're not going to hear it.

Nobody heard that.

Oh, no, it's all they heard.

So she threw a marble into a kiddie pool from a cliff.

And you'll never never guess what happened next.

Yeah.

He was, yeah,

he's basically a lefty for the time.

He's an abolitionist.

He opposed the Chinese Exclusion Act.

And

so kind of amazing to hear what a progressive was back then.

One of my favorite acts in history in legislation is the Chinese Exclusion Act because it's so, it just says what it is.

Right.

Like there's no hiding behind

nomenclature.

It's just like, we don't want the Chinese here.

Yeah.

No fucking Asians, specifically them Asians.

It's kind of refreshing in a way.

Well, I've got good news for you, Country Act.

Well, not anymore.

Yeah, true.

Yeah, it's all.

Now we're going back to that version.

I mean, we basically right near it now.

I'm running on a platform of the, of trying to

be careful, you'll fall.

Inclusion Act.

That is, thank you.

You're going to lose.

I'm running on

coalition building.

It's not always about winning.

Oh, here we go.

Here we go.

You got to think long term, Dave.

Go ahead.

Get on your soapbox.

Dave, once we're dead, this might come together.

Once you're dead, the mortgagee is going to change hands.

Yeah.

You know how this ends?

A bunch of bodies scattered amongst burned trees from climate change and a parliamentarian patting themselves on the back, saying, Yeah,

that's what it should be.

This was the right play.

Is that from a movie?

Yeah, sure.

What are you quoting?

A script I wrote called The Parliamentarian.

It's a great script.

Where is it set up?

CBS.

That's cool.

See?

How much do you get paid for it?

I'm paying them.

How much mackerel?

A lot of mackerel.

A lot of mackerel in this game right now.

It's not what I'm hearing.

Yeah.

We're following Coach.

Hello?

Hi.

Coach the TV show?

Oh, no.

No, the director.

We call him Coach.

What?

Huh?

Are we still podcasters?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

The Reverend Dr.

Swim, a young

Dr.

Swam?

Swim.

S-W-E-M.

Swim.

Okay.

Okay.

You idiot.

Thank you.

A young Baptist minister created quite a sensation in Washington last Sunday by arraigning the Society of Women of the Capitol as habitual gamblers.

Jesus Christ.

It's pretty assaultive right now.

It's like non-stop, like women congregating, look out.

And then one guy's just like, if you hit them, you should die.

Women chatting, be aware.

He declared that the shameless shameless openness with which the practice is carried on is only equaled by Monte Carlo or the gaming houses of Parisian women well that's pretty low that's a low blow that is a low blow

he told the one uh he told of one young lady

Now you made my dog mad.

He told of one young lady who lost $250 given her by her father for the purpose of summer toilets to be worn at an adjacent seaside resort.

Worn?

It says to be worn.

To be worn.

I am if I have enough vodka.

Hello.

Summer toilet.

Hello.

I don't, I don't, I guess I don't quite understand what a toilet

diaper?

So a toilet something.

I think someone's trying to get in.

Let him in.

Get him on the show.

Give him a moment.

Open borders.

I have an open borders policy, but about Dave's house.

I've been saying that to him for a while.

By the way, the only people who let in are the Chinese.

I don't know if you've seen that.

But like you said, he's a contrarian.

He's always going against the grain.

Doors shutting, laughter happening from far away.

One of his pant legs is up.

Dave, are you a hip-hop?

He was cycling.

he went on a bike ride with a one-legged bike ride i forgot that i had a dog walker coming and so the dog walker the dog the dog saw the dog walker and lost is that like a zombie dog yeah wow

some days you can't walk your dog because you're podcasting all day some days you can't walk your dog because you can't find their fourth shoe yeah

don't you

can only find three shoes i think i heard your fourth shoe drop in the mug andrea has this happened?

I'm just waiting for the fourth shoe to drop.

Andrea, has that happened?

Have you not been able to walk your dog because you couldn't find the fourth shoe?

I mean, that's kind of the excuse I'm telling myself for not walking him.

Well, I can't find that fourth shoe.

I guess I'll just live in poop.

Okay, back to this.

He told of one young lady who lost $250 given her by her father for the purpose of summer toilets.

Sorry, the second time was really funny.

Which happens.

That just happens.

Summer toilets.

I just don't understand.

It's February.

Get out of here.

My God.

What are you doing?

You can't use a summer toilet.

There's a winter toilet over there.

To be worn at the adjacent.

That's a Frank Sinatra song, isn't it?

Yeah, summer toilets, yeah.

The summer toilets.

I have no idea what's happening in this sentence.

Nobody does.

I have some semblance.

What?

Oh, I'm not going to reveal that information.

Why?

Damn it.

Such bullshit.

Summer toilets.

Summer toilets.

Summer toilets.

I can't wait for school to be over so I could go into the summer toilets.

I mean, I looked it up and

you can buy a summer toilet, but it's like

for potty training.

It still is very expensive.

Summer toilet.

I want to buy a summer toilet for potty training.

I'm going by myself.

I wonder if it's like a

why don't you read more and then maybe we'll be able to understand the context.

I'm not opposed to that.

When you go on your summer vacation, you go out to the country and you bring a temporary toilet, like a portable toilet.

Like you bring a portable toilet, sometimes known as a bucket.

I just call them summer buckets.

Yeah.

Even though it's a Beach Boys album.

Anyway, he gave her money to buy summer toilets.

What the fuck?

I'm sorry.

I'm not accepting it.

I'm not accepting it.

Because she was like, there's no such thing as a summer toilet, so I'm going to just use this money.

We literally all have Googled it and nothing is happening.

And now we're dead.

And it's like, it's summertime.

I'm shitting on it.

She just convinced him that was the thing.

She's like, Dad, can I have some money for the summer toilets?

You girls and your summer toilets.

Here you go, sweetheart.

Have fun.

Crapping in the summer toilets.

In consequence of the loss, the gambling transaction became known, and the young woman has been sent out of the city by her parents.

So she's been punished for not buying the summer toilets and gambling and stuff.

She's been banished.

And this is in the news.

Correct.

Well,

there's a family that's not going to have a summer toilet.

No, no, no.

There's one girl who's not going to have a summer toilet.

Crimea River.

Honestly, and then I'll crap it in.

Oh, Christian.

If it's July.

Crimea River?

Because there's no such thing as a summer toilet.

Oh, my God.

A summer toilet.

That sounds like a Bravo show.

Summer toilet.

Don't miss the summer toilet reunion.

You were shitting where you shouldn't have.

It was June.

The summer toilet reunion.

Nothing on that show is real.

Oh, come on.

I like to believe.

I got it.

It just sounds like it's an outhouse.

In the 1800s, summer toilets generally referred to outdoor toilets, often called outhouses.

What was the winter toilet?

No, that's...

That must be one you kept in your house.

Oh, just your

kid.

Or it's the lake.

So, and you know, the lake?

How

in Minnesota, you see

on the frozen lake in the winter, and then when the summer comes, it's called the melting of the toilet, and then all the shit goes down to the bottom of the lake.

That's what a winter toilet is.

I can't believe I have to explain this to someone for a while.

Can I say something?

I find all of this so crass.

I agree.

This show used to be about history, and now you're talking about ice crapping.

It used to have good family values.

Yeah, I think this is, I think this is romantic and sexy.

It's sexy talk.

Crapping on the ice.

Ever since I showed my thumbs, the vibe has changed.

I agree that

this is when everything changed.

I really thought that it would be different.

I thought you'd have huge fucking thumbs.

What are you doing?

So did I.

What are you doing in the winter toilet?

What do you go with it?

What do you mean, where do I go with it?

Her or me?

Where do you go?

Where do you take your winter toilet?

Thank you.

To the ice cottage.

Yes.

I take my winter.

Anytime I go to a hockey game, I'll take it to the park.

What is the winter?

Are we just going bucket inside when it's cold?

Is that what's happening?

Oh, I mean, that makes sense.

That's

a winter toilet is an indoor toilet.

But again,

considering the smells we're already up against.

Yeah, but Gareth, it's so cozy.

Oh, my God.

It is cozy.

It is very cozy.

How's your book?

Just in a one-bedroom cabin?

Okay, back to the cabinet.

It's a one-bedroom to winter toilet funds.

No.

No.

I mean, I think the point is: don't gamble away your winter toilet funds.

You know, summer toilet.

Sorry, summer toilet or winter toilet.

Just don't gamble away.

Winter toilet funds like a diet.

It's like a bucket.

Similar cases were told about, and in conclusion, the doctor made the sweeping declaration that the young ladies of Washington spend their days in private poker playing.

Private poker playing.

Sorry, I have an audition coming up.

Yeah, keep going.

Private poker playing.

Andrea Moore.

These are my thumbs, and I'm based on myself.

Are you willing to shave them?

Yes.

Okay, are you willing to wear cotton underwear?

Yes, I'll do anything.

Okay.

All right, so you're auditioning for Leslie.

We're replacing her on summer buckets.

So.

So you admit that it's all made up.

That's a story.

No, no, her assistant.

We're casting her assistant.

Everything else remains true.

The doctor seems to be well posted on Washington society, and he may be a very moral and conscientious man, but if he expects to reform these society ladies by his preaching, he will do more than any other minister has done in their time there is nothing like trying

brother swim

huh he's saying there's nothing like trying brother swim

hmm

they're saying the paper's saying go go get him

do you want to know how much rents were

uh does this have a winter toilet or is this just

eastport this is just an ad cheap rent eastport

houses tell me the number of

beds and baths.

How many beds and baths?

It doesn't say it says

new brick.

It says new brick houses.

That's all it says.

I'm going to go to Zillow Time Traveler.

What year was this again?

This is 1888.

How much per month?

What do you think?

I'm going to guess $20.

$3.

Wait, $20 is way too high.

I'm going to guess $3.

What the f?

Andrew wins at $6 a month.

What?

Yay!

What the fuck?

I won.

Because you did three.

And she did three, which is $6.

Oh, but that was.

This is

38 Charles Street.

Wow.

That's pretty fucking $6 a month.

What do you think that is?

I wonder what that is in today's money.

Well, it's going to be really small because rent used to be like marginally affordable.

Now,

$6,

I mean, it's going to be cheap.

It's going to be like

$4.50.

$4.50?

I think it's going to go down.

I think it's cheaper.

I think it's cheaper.

It's $200.

That's fucking.

Oh, that's outrageous for that little place.

Plus, first and last.

And you know, you're not getting your full deposit back.

That's what I'm doing.

I remember when I was like, this is not too long ago, when I i was in wisconsin at my buddy's place and it was huge and i was like what do you pay a month he's like it's pretty bad it's like 350.

i was like like and he meant three dollars and fifty he used to have three dollars you guys

that's exactly right

oh fuck uh well we did it andrea thank you for joining us um that was so short let's talk for another hour okay

that's why they call you andrea more isn't it yeah

a little bit extra everyone's Everyone's last name comes from a story like that.

Yeah, like Dave Madman.

Now, Andrew, where can people get tickets to the show May 14th?

I don't know.

Look it up.

At the Punchline.

Oh, yeah, the Punchline website.

Okay.

Yeah, go to the Punchline.

Also,

did the GoFundMe for the dog shoes still on?

Is that still a thing?

The GoFundMe.

I bought those

dog shoes with my very own money.

Hmm.

Okay.

It's not what I heard.

Yeah.

There's a lot of rumors online.

I'm looking at that.

Okay.

Well, only half of them are true, so you'd be the judge.

Don't mind if I do.

All right.

Well, listen, I think,

I mean, I learned a lot about thumbs and really toilets.

The legacy for this one of me is the summer toilets.

We all learned a little bit.

For me, I learned that blind people can dream visually.

I actually have no idea.

Yeah, they see

dragons.

All right, everyone, that's the end of this one.

Bye.

Thank you.

You got to stay.

Some of these days,

you'll miss me, honey.

Some of these days.

What's up, Gareforce?

Dollheads.

It's Gareforce.

Listen, I don't know what's going on anymore.

Listen, go to GarethReynolds.com because I have a lot of shows coming up.

I'll be in San Diego, California, September 21st.

Chandler, Arizona, September 24th.

Springfield, Missouri, the 26th, 27th, four shows.

Columbia, Missouri, September 28th.

I will be in Wichita, Kansas on September 30th at Vorges.

I'll be in Appleton, Wisconsin, October 1st.

Fort Wayne, Indiana for two shows on October 3rd.

Then I'm taping my special at the Den, October 4th.

Saturday, October 4th at Chicago, Illinois, GarethReynolds.com.

Also, I'll be at Rooster T Feathers in Sunnyvale, California, November 6th, 7th, 8th.

I'll be in Omaha, Nebraska at the Funnybone, November 28th, November 29th.

I will be in Vancouver, British Columbia, December 2nd.

And then I will also be in Seattle and Eugene right after that.

GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information.

Come on, Gareforce.

Let's party.

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