124 - The Past Times with The Smoking Tire

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All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week.

I think this is the first.

Or no, Auntie Donna maybe, Dave?

Who gives a shit?

Matt.

And Zach Clappin.

Don't jump at him in the middle of the joke.

Hi, guys.

Now you can talk, Dave.

I don't think we've ever done it online

online.

We've done it live with more than

10.

The smoking tire, which Dave and I have both been on,

you are car men,

men of men.

You've been on separately.

We need to get you on together.

First off, we need to let's establish that.

And we also

made Benny Hana at my house, which was a

glorious event.

Going to say,

matt texted me the day after benny hanna up the benny hana episode and was like i uh i'm a certified benny hana chef

so uh we have a video of this experience that we will share with people but let's just say i mean

that was such a fun night

yeah it was it was so fun and it was so good it was so good it was really good it was the whole thing was it was like

it was like kind of, in my head, it was like, I didn't even realize what it meant.

And then when I got there, I was like, this is so silly.

And then when I was eating, I was like, this is actually the greatest.

It was quite a roller coaster.

The whole thing came to be a lucid dream, for sure.

Right.

Like, you know, the great line from clerks, like, this job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.

Like, this food would be great if it wasn't for the entire restaurant to surround

your mouth.

Honestly, it was

quite an evening and quite an event.

But

that was so fun.

And yeah, well,

you guys have a very successful

empire.

You guys aren't jumping in and saying you have an empire.

You have an empire.

We have a small empire.

We're trying to grow it

for some things.

Are you trying to throw us in like an early capitalism hole?

Is this

auto position?

Gotcha.

We've been doing podcasting for 13 years this year.

We did our thousandth episode of the podcast

like two weeks ago.

Soon we'll be annexing other podcasts for Sundays if necessary.

Starting with Georgia.

Keep your hands off of us.

Who was your guest for the thousand?

Oh, man.

It was an eight-hour.

Live podcasting extravaganza with like 17 guests.

Wow.

And actually, Jay Leno did stop by as a surprise, and that was like pretty cool.

Like just like rolled up in the studio.

And Jay is such such the king of the universe he literally walked into the studio eating a sandwich

and didn't let me stop eating let me take you there real quick hey what's going on what do you get

having a big hoagie right now

He literally walked in and he said, what are you guys doing today?

He didn't know it was the thousandth show.

He just,

a friend of his that was on the show texted him and said, hey, we're doing the smoking tire today.

It's kind of a thing.

But Jay walks in holding a sandwich and says exactly what you said.

Like, hey, what's going on?

What's going on?

Why are you guys talking in the microphone?

Did that other kid communicate now to you?

Do you guys make it content?

Does anyone want to pee the hoagie?

There's a couple minutes of that show where I debate him over whether or not a watch's angle would tilt over.

It's like a real senior moment he kind of has.

Anyway,

it's worth a listen.

I don't want to spend too much time throwing a legend under the bus for something really good.

That is something Dave will do online for you after this episode.

Well,

the problem with this is going to be that we are such fans of both the dollop and the pastimes.

There might be moments where I forget I'm in the show.

Gareth says that a lot, actually.

Yeah.

No, no, no, there's a couple of one time I went to the bathroom when we were doing it.

Oh, my God.

I forget.

You're just adding sound effects.

You know, he was talking about the Niagara Falls opening, and you were like, I got this.

It really is.

It's that easy.

Most of my life is podcasting now, so it is just very simple.

And the fourth wall's been so broken.

This morning I was listening to the episode about the talking dog, and I was like, did Gareth just say catio?

And I had to rewind it.

Yeah,

I mean, I'm in the show.

Well,

Matt, then we'll get into it, but Matt could have called his deck the Mattio, but instead he built a haven for his cats and he calls it the catio.

And fuck me.

You really put my cat game to shame with what you've done over there.

Oh, the cat, the catio.

It's a whole lot of fun.

It's a real

demolition man bathroom from the movie.

It's just shocking.

He has little, he has little door, he has little cat tunnel things all over his house.

Yes.

There's cat tunnels everywhere.

They can go for room or room.

We'll probably get visited by the calls it the hyperloop and it's uh

technologically

it's all the money from California.

I'd like you to get one.

It's real.

It actually works better.

All right, guys.

Well, look, you know the deal here.

We're going to, maybe you don't, but we're going to guess the year of this paper.

Now, I will say this is interesting because Dave always makes it so the guest is right when it's just me and the guest guessing.

But since you're both on,

that doesn't happen.

Quiet.

Since you're both on,

I have a feeling this might be difficult, but you guys could take a guess at what year this paper will be from.

Why don't we, Matt, we start with you, Zach, you go, and then I'll go.

You know the deal.

How about

June 1910?

Wow, you're going month and year.

You don't have to go month.

You can just go year.

I'm calling my shop.

Okay, Zach.

I'm going to go

1905.

These are both very good guesses.

Very good guesses.

They're right in the zone.

And you know, we're like Dave Portnoy's pizza reviews.

You just get one year, one year, and that's it.

What the fuck just happened?

Dave, I mean, I'm not going to ask you to be quiet again.

You're not, this is not, your time is not yet.

I'm going to guess 1899.

You're wrong.

Who are you talking about?

The other two gentlemen are much closer.

You're not good at this game.

I am very good at it.

I've guessed the exact year two or three times.

No, you haven't.

It is May 4th, 1911.

Ooh,

Matt.

And by the way, just

under a year off.

Also, my favorite handgun manufactured by Beretta.

Case for bringing that.

I mean, that's, yeah.

Should we go around?

Would everyone talk about their favorite handgun?

The Beretta 1911.

What's your favorite handgun?

Zach knows about guns.

He doesn't know what 1911 drugs.

Manufacturer year.

Browning made the 1911.

Browning made the 1911, huh?

Bombing already okay let's go wow here we go that's tough and that's why you it is the

it's the putnam county herald from cookville tennessee

which is

uh somewhere in tennessee who gives a shit where it's all the same dave you just did this to me on another

episode

stop doing this

it's bright there's some states that are all the same

most states but they're no

they were more different back then now every state is more similar now every state is just a target a home depot a star i'm just talking about the geography i'm talking

in 1911 that were barely states it was like dirt with one sign like that was california essentially yeah yeah cokeville is halfway between nashville and knoxville if anyone cares right on 40.

it's the chod

It's one of those places and they're like, we have caves.

It's one of those places in Tennessee.

Okay.

Yes, we know you have caves.

We know you have caves, Tennessee.

Okay.

Oh, a cave park.

Yeah, you're right.

So their most beautiful view is actually underground, not outside.

They're like, our greatest vista, actually don't go outside.

You can come back inside.

Yes.

It's like a lot of private.

There are some tunnels.

There's a lot of little private caves there.

A lot of private caves.

You'll be driving down the road.

I'll be like, come see my private cave.

Diddy had a

a large number of women have bank accounts with us and trans

and

how dare they

leave it sisters

is this like an ad on the top of the store it's just a little

headline yeah it might be an ad yeah but it's it's it it looks like a story imagine if that was the news headline like holy shit a bunch of women got bank accounts here women have money

But it said with us.

Does that mean it's written by a bank, right?

Or is it really stop you?

There's more.

It's like a little section where people are just writing in stuff.

And Nia, now that you say that, it looks like they're all writing in like little ads.

Okay.

Okay.

A large number of women have bank accounts with us and transact their own business.

Yes.

Wow.

That's a great time.

Really quick time.

It's a great time.

Yeah.

Quite a headline.

It would not be wise to open an account for the wife and allow her.

Oh, there's a question.

Would it not be wise to open an account for the wife and allow her to pay all the household expenses by check?

All accounts are welcome here, First National Bank.

What is happening?

They're saying this is literally, they're just like, what about letting your lady have some money to fuck around with?

Well, it's like, why have one household bank account when you could have two?

That's right.

That's what they're saying.

Well,

I love that.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

No, go ahead, Zach.

I love that they're not saying, like, let's give women independence.

It's basically like, men, you don't want to take care of the household chores.

Why take care of the accounting side of household chores?

Let the lady do that.

Let her buy her broom.

Yeah, she's also buying.

She's buying like things to service you.

Let her go get your foods.

A man should never touch bleach nor purchase bleach.

Let the lady do that.

That's what a woman's for.

Right.

She's like the glove if it were a gender.

But you don't want her around the regular account.

Right.

But do we know the name of this progressive bank?

First National Bank.

Okay.

They're still around.

They're stuck around.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yo.

Is it?

4.1 out of 5 on Google.

It's still there.

Shut the fuck up.

On its 135th year, and boy, does it look like it was open 100 years ago?

Oh, my God.

First National Bank in Tennessee.

I would say

in 10 years, women won't be able to have accounts there.

I hope so.

My camera's fixed, but just trust me,

it looks like a 120-year-old bank building.

That's sort of weird.

Yeah.

They were first.

4.1 out of 5, though.

I'm honestly surprised it's not a Taco Bell at this point.

Don't deposit checks here.

They will hold your funds hostage without telling you first.

One star.

Shit.

That's not good.

Yeah, that's someone who was like hey i want to open a bank account here's five thousand dollar check and they're like can i take it out now no

and isn't it great that

it was only 63 years later that women were allowed to apply for credit and loans across the country with the equal opportunity equal credit opportunity act of 1974.

Well, that didn't go well, by the way.

Yeah.

We shouldn't allow anybody to have credit.

We'll be taking it back

uh a nice present the herald will give to the first 18 ladies who bring or send in two subscriptions at 25 cents each a three-year subscription to parks floral magazine and 10 packages of flower seeds what is this what is happening commissions commissions for selling subscriptions to the newspaper is that what that sounds like i think it is yeah yeah if you sell three subscriptions we'll send you a bunch of flowers and a subscription to a flower magazine.

The top two articles are an ad for a bank and an application to become a newspaper seller for C.

There's David's paper that has great content, like ads for banks.

Yeah.

The best.

Have you ever found like a penny, like a penny saver and just read like classifieds?

Has that a finish?

That actually might be good.

Yeah, we

all brainstormed.

we had that idea a long time ago, and we're going to do that soon.

So, don't be like weirded out when you hear us do that on a newer episode.

And don't think that we just hadn't thought of that and took your idea, but didn't want to give you credit.

So, we played this moment off like we'd had that idea for a while.

Yeah, we've been talking about doing that.

Dave, we should finally do that because we've been talking about doing that for a long time on this show.

Yeah, so yeah, we have talked about doing that and we plan on doing it really soon.

Thank you, though.

Yeah,

that was closer.

God it's I remember you guys mentioning it at dinner, actually.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we call it Penny Hana.

Yeah, yeah.

We talk about it a lot, actually.

We talk about it so much.

Dave's wife is fucking pissed at how much we talk about it.

Yeah, she hates it.

She's just like, shut up.

Penny Saver again.

Yeah, we get it.

You're going to do a Penny Saver episode.

We go, hey, look, we had this good idea a long time ago, and we're going to do it.

So don't be freaked out if it's an episode you hear pretty soon.

That's what we said.

That's right.

Yeah.

Call the lawyer.

Jesus Christ's sake, call our lawyers.

Get a little shit.

Get a lawyer, call them.

Maybe there's an ad for the lawyer in the paper.

Zach kind of fucked me up here a little bit.

I mean,

do you think in the salad they did this on purpose?

The first 18 ladies who bring or send in two subscriptions at 25 cents with three years' subscriptions to

Parks Floral Magazine and 10 packs.

Like, there's so many numbers in the sentence.

Is this a math question?

Is this an actual SAT question?

It's an SAT question.

They're trying to throw them.

They don't teach them math yet, do they?

Okay, all right.

So there's so many comments.

You can take advantage of a woman if you say more than five numbers.

They can't

calculate beyond that.

It's like Y2K.

The women can't multiply three or four digits.

Six numbers, and they will restart.

All right, this is a letter from Wrightville, Texas.

Uh-oh.

Hello, Cookville.

I mean, that's just how

you write a letter to a town.

Hello, Cookville.

Hello, Cookville.

I'm going to do that.

I'm going to write a letter to a city.

Just address it.

Just like New Orleans.

The modern equivalent is like Republicans of Reddit.

How do you feel about that?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Dear New Orleans.

Hello,

give me Buffalo Valley, please.

Wow.

As I, yeah.

He wants another place?

He wants a city?

Can we have this, please?

Hello.

Hello, Columbus.

What is there?

I'm interested in Cincinnati.

Can that be hooked up?

That seems like a letter that we've written when we were colonizing and just, you know, someone chooses a state and they're like, dear Native Americans that live there, can I send you two newspaper subscriptions in exchange for your land?

I'm interested in owning that, and I will, Bob.

All right.

Well, Buffalo Valley is a town of what appears to be maybe one building.

Okay.

And

Wikipedia says could be described as a ghost town.

Whatever the plan was, it didn't work out.

Yeah, right.

That guy was like, well, it's a lot of work.

What do you mean, plumbing?

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Apparently, people often ask, is the massacre at Buffalo Valley a true story?

That's

I was prompted.

Well, that's

come and take it.

The guy told us in the paper he was going to do it.

That'll make a place a ghost town.

Wait, what else did he want?

What were his other Buffalo Valley demands?

Give me Buffalo Valley, please, as I read so many letters from Putnam County and no news from Buffalo Valley boys.

Oh, he wants to.

Do you

know he just wants news?

That's not the implication that we thought.

See, you got to read more than the first sentence of artists, people.

This is crazy.

This show will not happen that way, man, okay?

He's doing like a riddle now.

Do you know me?

Of course you do.

I bought a ticket on October 8th, 1892 for Fate, Texas.

For fake, for fate?

Fate.

Okay, damn it.

I wanted it to be.

Do you not remember me?

I bought a bus ticket there 18 years ago, and I wish you told me more about your town.

This is like someone stalking a town.

This is like,

I was inside you, town, and I would like to hear back from you.

Well, have you never been on City Tinder?

It's awesome.

You just keep swiping, and sometimes the city matches with you.

Well, I just, oh my God, it's awesome.

I just matched with Dubuque.

Oh, the rush.

I'm sure on tour, you guys have the people come up to you, and they're like, do you remember when we met?

You know, 10 years ago when you were in their city.

We also get the people who are very aware and will go, you probably don't remember this, but I gave you a dollar.

And we're like, I have no recollection.

Exactly.

Anyway.

Very healthy understanding.

I don't remember that.

This writer is JL or John Bain, the son of Jim Bain, has been married eight years and have two children.

One girl, seven years, one boy, three years, one little boy, dead, and the best wife.

That's a family newsletter.

And by the way, that took a real weird turn.

Yeah, yeah.

Keep your dead off your update.

We're good.

Is this not, is this, we're here to help?

Are we on a different show now?

Okay.

Okay, so the kids, the kids gone, yes.

My three younger brothers are all men now.

My father is not getting rich, but has good stock and some money and lives.

And this guy is this.

I will trade my dad for part of your town

this is what happens when you when you run across an old person that doesn't talk to people very often just yes i also have a lot of straw to do start with

also could someone come by and help me set up my computer i mean it's a little early but that's the goal i'm getting if you sit in silence long enough wood screams

Have you ever noticed that?

Yeah, yeah, any building has it.

A wood will start yelling for help.

And I can't do much.

My best friend is this old rusty door hinge that talks to me when I open it.

They recommend a toothbrush, but your finger does it better.

That's why God gave you a bunch of them.

Hey, Jimmy, it's time for your bath.

I can't take a bath.

My skin rejected water.

That's why all I could drink is tea.

I'm sitting on the chair again.

Okay.

Okay, good.

Thank you for talking.

Good.

That's how you died, right?

This guy was still going, though, right?

Yeah, this guy is still going.

I think this is why it's bad to be the first settler in a place, and if it's a place no one wants, like, this person has 500 acres, and no one else moved in, and they're just no one wants it.

This is my dream.

This is my dream just to have my own shining.

Like, what happens when you experience the shining with no one else

so you end up with you end up being uh what's his name kill dozer yeah

yeah

you mean a hero

yes

I have never forgotten my old school days at Denny's seminary in Buffalo Valley.

And when I refer back, I can see the dear old girls and boys that I spent my happy school days with.

If God is willing, my father and I will step off at Buffalo Valley inside of two years.

I would like to gaze upon the hills of old Tennessee once more as I love the dear old state.

Sid Anderson, do you remember the time in the gate we used to go to?

Those days are past and gone.

Eight years ago, I sowed my last wild oats.

I settled down for I'm trying to make a living for a wife and two babies, John and Belle.

Just letting you know, I'm going to be there in two years' time.

time.

This whole 800-word shit is I'm coming to town.

How is it over there?

In 1913,

I'll be arriving.

Will the hills still be there?

I'd like to look at the hills.

I'd like to have a look at the hills.

Since I started planning, another boy died.

And

despite your voices, this guy was like 27.

Dude, I'm going to be there in two years.

Is this going to be seven years old?

Fucking awesome.

He sounded like Dave.

He's just that he looks like 27.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

He's never making it back.

He's dying of

typhoid or something.

I don't know if it's accentuated.

1911 Tennessee.

Gareth, what would accent?

Is that just heavy Tennessee?

Is that still going to be British or something?

There are something along these lines.

I'm excited to come visit.

Got to be careful.

I jacked off and then nailed my hand to my walking chair.

No, don't actually don't.

Well, Rick leaves.

Let the circle keep it.

I'm an old twin.

I'm an old twin.

It's called self-stigmata.

I mean, this is another one that's just...

Okay, so it's a bunch of

factoids.

Well, this lady is sending...

It's a letter from...

She's like sending news of what's happening in Great Bend, Texas.

The weather in general has been very good.

It's crazy.

Hotels with a city is super weird.

Like,

from other states, too.

Yeah.

There's a bunch of these.

Here's an update.

The weather in general has been very good.

The wheat crop looks slim this time, but the farmers will make it up with corn.

I guess some of the people around Baxter, Tennessee are wondering when they will see me again.

I will visit in three or four years.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Stephen.

Imagine you forget this by then.

Imagine being sadder than the first letter.

Oh,

it's like they're cheating on their own city.

Yeah.

They're just

lusting for another town they might visit.

Don't Don't tell Stephen, I'll be there in three years.

Scarlet fever is bad at this writing.

The little daughter of W.L.

Gentry's is very sick with measles.

Oh my god.

A man named RFK Jr.

said if I eat an apple, it'll cure it.

And that if I work hard and lift some weights and kill a whale, I'll be fine.

Please send a whale.

I'm in a land locked down.

The goal is to get a worm living in your head, like that one guy from Men in Black.

You eat the apple, which has the worm in it.

The worm is in your brain.

Medicine.

You've got to entice the worm to get into your brain to fix it.

Shut down the measles part.

Emma Gentry went fishing the other day and caught one fish.

Don't you wish you could do that well?

It's so funny to imagine the mailman showing up and being like, ma'am, on behalf of that city, shut the fuck up.

Yeah, please stop.

It's not fucking letters.

What are you doing?

Did she just talk shit to a city and ask if that city can fish as well as the guy in her town?

Like, whoa, can you fish?

Like, my guy can fish?

Hold me back.

I got LeBron.

You can't even.

You fish like LeBron.

Hold me back.

Great Bend seems like it has been reduced to about a hundred-yard-long dead-end street in a sad-looking suburb of San Antonio.

Well, because they were all bored to death by this woman.

Where are you going?

I want to know.

to talk about starvation while finishing this conversation.

Why is your dirt a modicum drier than the one I saw in the last town?

Ma'am, ma'am, I can't talk to you anymore about this.

I have to go to the coal mine.

I can't get distracted.

Walk me into the middle.

How come when I throw grass in the air here, it doesn't blow in the same direction as the last one?

Let go of my coat.

I'm moving.

I'm going west.

I'm going to go to Nevada.

Why do they call it pigeon-toed?

They don't seem to have angles that bad.

Mom, mom, I don't care.

How come a cone has a big, how come a cone has a big dip in it?

And if a tree falls, we call it a pine cone.

And so they called a mini pine tree.

It's just her and a tumbleweed.

That's her friend.

How come it's tumbleweed?

It really is more of a rolling weed, if you ask me.

Oh, man.

Tell you what, you ever hit a tumbleweed in a car, it will do some damage.

Yeah, it really does.

Is that true?

Yes, it's shocking.

Yeah, yeah.

Some of them are like made of trees dude sometimes

i've seen them and i've been like fully like oh that is that's like a day ender but when they're smaller if i hit them i feel like it's a power-up like in mario and i'm like it's a coin yes

both can be true both can be true yeah is there a noise when you hit it it's like boop boop boop little

yeah it's like yeah it's a it's like a like a like a flam is that the term on a snare drum like

it's that but with trees exploding on your i'm pretty sure that's right pretty sure that's a a word.

Sure.

I think that's a word.

The final thing is the peach crop is all killed, but we will have some apples if Jack Frost doesn't come again.

Jesus Christ,

name-dropping Jack Frost like it's a person.

You know, Jack Frost came over and I sucked his dick.

Jesus Christ.

His carrot is awful nice when you're 69.

Be careful.

He keeps bringing me pineapple shades.

I don't know why he wants me to plant these fucking thing.

Andrew, what is up, bro?

Holy shit, I just finished writing the letter and my town's gone.

So we're like halfway down the page and nothing has happened in this fucking town.

We've learned about Texas and we've got advertising.

Like, what is happening in this town?

Very little.

Nothing.

Just very little.

Nothing.

All right, now that that's settled, thank you.

Okay, I'll go home.

You are gone.

Stay home.

Nothing.

Gareth, you've been using a wallet for a while now, and why don't you tell the people what that wallet is?

Well, I, for a while, went with like a money clip, and it just

wasn't working out.

And someone recommended the Ridge wallet to me probably about two years ago, and I've never looked back.

It is the easiest, looks good.

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It's like a metal-y design, aluminum, titanium and carbon fiber those are all very good materials yeah i only use carbon fiber yeah i mean i'm a big carbon fiber guy they got tons of colors 50 50 plus colors uh and styles and then a lifetime warranty also i was showing it off to my nephew and he was like i have a ridge as well yeah a couple yeah it's it's fascinating I've seen people with them and I've always wondered what it was.

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Yeah, uh, and I was before using, I have a big thick leather thing.

See, that's what we got to get out of it too much.

They like Ridge is like Ridge is like coming in, and it's like an efficiency coach.

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Yeah.

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Yes.

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No, we do a ton of that stuff.

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Still in session.

The 75 days of session for which pay is allowed, members of the legislature.

Both houses are holding daily sessions without pay, and the Democratic members propose propose to do so until the next General Assembly meets, unless the fugitive members return and allow business to proceed.

So Congress is in session, but they're unpaid

three months ago.

They can't officially hold a session because

a bunch of them have fled.

They don't have quorum, and they're calling them fugitives, which is awesome, and people should do that more often.

Maybe.

Now, imagine imagine our Congress not getting paid for a moment of time.

Oh my god.

In the meantime, most of the state institutions cannot draw any money nor salaries paid.

Oh, so everything's fucked up.

Government freeze.

Shut it down.

Shut it down.

A pretty mess these men have made by their unwise, if not illegal, piece of politics in fleeing from the state like criminals, and on them rests all blame for present conditions.

Yeah, ran away to shut the government down.

I wonder if there's a lesson to be learned from that.

Nope.

Nope.

Wow.

It's a good thing we never did that again.

Yeah.

That used to be a toothless tactic.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That happened all the time back then.

Like that happened all the fucking time.

Well, it took like seven years to get a hold of somebody.

I'm not surprised it didn't happen by accident.

Well, that's Musk's new, that's the new Musk game plan, so don't worry about that

have you ever driven have you guys ever driven a cyber truck yes yeah and is it is it ridiculous is it is it um it's it's it's bad i mean it's mostly bad it's yeah it's i mean it mostly just drives like any electric car um but it's just built so badly that you can't like get past that.

Is it true you get a hemorrhoid if you sit in the seat?

So the other day I did something for the first time, which is I

thumbs down somebody in a parking lot

as they were look, because I'm driving an orange Bentley, and so everybody's looking at me.

And

a guy in a cyber truck with that dark MAGA hat, the black MAGA hat, looks over at me.

And I did the slow, and

for a moment, I was

aroused.

And it was just an incredible thing because, you know, because it's, it was, it's, it, it was the confusion that I generated in this person.

They were so confused because when you're in an orange Bentley, you are someone of status.

Yeah.

You're not just rich, you're like

disgustingly, you're the person that that person thinks they're going to be, even though they're never going to be that person.

And so when you disapprove, it's like,

yeah.

And then a panel falls off their cyber truck.

Very true.

That's happening quite easily.

The wind will do that.

That's so great.

I love

that.

The cyber truck is a, it drives like a car, but it looks sort of like a tough truck, which it's not because they have a lot of problems off-roading and they have a tow hitch issue.

And it's also not as good at being a normal pickup truck.

So basically, you have a very strange-looking car that's very sharp on the outside, genuinely.

And we shaved a cucumber with the inside of the door because it was.

Oh, yeah, we did.

Yeah.

Are you kidding?

I'm not kidding.

You can make a salad from scratch with no other tools if you have a cyber drug.

Well, that's an advantage.

His fingers off by accident.

Most cars don't have that.

That's true.

That was a selling thing.

Yeah.

He could have marketed it with that and not been lying, unlike everything else he said about it.

So, so, so, most, most, most doors have rubber stripping, right?

But our door, our door is sharp, so you can use it as a knife if you need to,

but also it's a lot more efficient that way.

So

rocket blue.

Oh, it's so great.

It's really great.

I mean, one of the best videos ever is when he throws that wave out the window and it cracks.

Like, it's just like

that's just Elon's glorious.

It's just him, that's him in a nutshell.

None of it works.

Yeah,

it's all bad.

Everything about it is bad, is really bad.

Yeah.

Well, at least he's taking over all of the Governor's computers because he'll eventually own money.

When I saw the cyber truck, I thought, well, what if that was Social Security?

It's good to have that.

Yes, yes, an illusion of function

is actually quite bad.

No, it's like it's bad at truck shit, but if someone said, you know, hey, hey, big rock, design me a vehicle that's optimized for running over protesters

and being very difficult to identify from any other model, any other example of this same vehicle later,

what would that vehicle look like?

Make the front like razor blades, please.

It is Agent Smith from The Matrix.

It just multiplies itself and it's totally unidentifiable.

Which one's the real one?

I don't don't know.

Yeah.

No DeLorean lessons were learned when designing or building the fucking Cybertruck.

None.

This has all happened beat for beat exactly the same 40 years ago.

It's exactly the same.

I mean, and hopefully he has to do a cocaine deal to save his businesses.

Oh, that would be awesome.

If we tank the sock enough, you guys, he's going to start moving the duffel shuffle.

It's coming, man.

The 22nd is the big day,

which will be two days after Martial Law.

Well, if he starts flying rockets from like,

was it Vandenberg just to Columbia and landing over there, then we're going to know that something's up, you know?

A rocket has crash-landed off the coast of Colombia.

Do we have more news or is this just the rest of the show?

Because I'm having fun.

Yeah.

Guy Bohannon killed.

Oh, good.

Andy Hargett.

By Cybertruck.

What?

Yeah, by the picture.

Andy Hargett shot and killed Guy Bohannon last night about sundown.

The shooting was done with a shotgun and followed a dispute about a small sum said to be due

Bohannon

for the guy who

was by Buford Tannon over the matter of $80.

That's what I just heard, right?

Time-traveling cybertruck.

The tragedy occurred near the home of Hargett on the premises of his father a few miles east of Cookville.

No arrests have been made.

Deputy Sheriff,

he knows who did

not.

He shot

it.

The guy who owed him money shot the guy.

Well, now he doesn't have to pay the money.

Oh,

that's like a second mortgage.

No, what's it called?

When you refinance.

Reverse.

Yeah,

that's student loan forgiveness, essentially.

Yeah, yeah.

In Ben Affleck, it's the accountant to refinance.

Deputy Sheriff.

Who the hell is the accountant, right?

Ben Affleck was the accountant.

Then I got another one.

They are?

Oh, there is an accountant too.

Yeah,

I don't know anything.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, but

it's called rebate.

If I got that close on a random guess, like, wow, okay.

Hollywood is predictable.

1099.

Deputy Sheriff Miller visited the scene of the shooting and picked up a gun wad that was covered with blood.

Yeah.

What's a gun wad?

Well,

I'll answer.

So

over

too much, and then the discharge is sort of,

yeah.

Some people get excited.

You get really excited.

A gun wad, yeah.

So if the shooting is great, you also conversion inside of a shotgun shell.

If the shooting is really good, good, you also blow your wad.

Yeah, right.

Correct.

Yes.

Okay, so if something else comes out of a shotgun besides the.

If you really believe in the Second Amendment, like really strongly,

then you orgasm.

But if you don't orgasm when you fire your weapon, you're not a real patriot and you should work.

It's called written housing.

Yeah.

The NRA waives the membership fee.

If you could fire a gun at home, then the NRA is like, you're in.

Yeah.

If you can show us your Giz, G then we'll waive this fee.

But if you don't show us the Giz on the inside of your pants, that's $28.

Well, some shooting ranges have the targets you're shooting at, and then they have what's called a pants target that they put right under you.

And if you can,

if you can hit that one too, you're damned.

It's like a baseball park urinal, sort of.

Yeah, exactly.

It also has little pictures of terrorists on the inside.

Yep.

Sure.

Yep.

Shotgun shells have a thing in them.

There's like powder, and then there's the pellets, and then there's a thing of like cotton or wool or some kind of fabric that's called the wad and it comes out if it was covered in blood like it would have come out and then landed in a pool of blood like it would have been like a like an alley oop pretty much oh okay yeah like a double like a two for one it means the guy was close because it's funny is you know the the shell the the bbs go very far and then the wad follows up like a like a tissue being thrown at somebody or like a handkerchief when a woman's going away on a ship and it's like remember me.

That's exactly how they

describe it in a gun training class.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We call it the remember me.

All right, boss.

Now remember.

You see,

when you take down the intruder, they go down the wad, it lands right on their schnaz, and you go, remember me.

Like a kerchief from a forlorn lover on a ship that's about to deport

the joke really changes with a voice yeah it does

very comfortable at that point it actually says right here showing that the men were close together so there you go oh

zach's zach's uh analysis forensic analysis there's pretty good yes take the glasses off they were standing close together yeah

i just love that they

I just love that

they know who shot them.

They know why.

They have

the

whatever, the wad.

They got all the evidence.

And then they're like, no, Rest.

So

I wonder if any parallels can be drawn to anything today.

Nope.

No.

Imagine how easy, though.

Back then, like the person who shot him could just go to the town where that one lady lives, and he could be her new only neighbor.

Okay.

And no one would find him.

Nope.

People, like, if you you've ever listened to a show called The Dollop, people change their name like every six months, and that is a foolpoof way.

And it's foolproof to do crimes.

Fucking crazy.

Are you Jack Honda?

No, my name's Randy

Han.

Have a good day.

Sorry about that.

Like, they just cross out their own name on their license.

They go, no, no, no.

Now it's Steve Wilson.

He's got the paperwork.

Sorry, Mr.

Wilson.

Have a good day.

And then they would like get elected sheriff.

Yeah.

Just arrived.

It was said that in the days of the Roman Empire, that all roads led to Rome.

Cookville seems to be similarly situated.

No.

What that means is we need a monorail.

But just like Rome.

It's like,

one of my best buddies at Boston lives in this town called Revere.

And like, just fucking animals, these people.

Just absolute monsters.

And he moved to LA and we were like doing comedy together.

And we were at the gym one day.

And one guy had a sweater on that said Revere.

We'd been to the gym 40 times, never seen it.

And he goes up to the guy, says something, comes back to me, goes, it's just me.

Does it seem like everyone out here knows Revere?

And I was like, nobody does.

Nobody knows Revere.

One guy has a sweater and

you're just exploding that into a bunch of bullshit.

He's like, all right,

leave it be.

That's the clearest example of recency bias I've ever heard in my entire life.

Everyone knows Revere.

Also, the same guy one time he said, he goes,

Revere, he almost wanted, he told me later he wanted to throw this guy out of a window.

He was a buddy of ours, and

he was raised in China, this buddy.

And so my friend goes, Revere has the best Chinese food in the world.

And my friend goes, I've eaten low main on the great wall of china and my buddy was so red hot mad inside he's like how dare he

are you are you saying that china has better chinese food than fucking revere are you saying that furious that he was like so you think china's got better chinese food than where i'm from huh

in america you started it revere perfected it all right yeah and then he calls him a slur and burns down his fucking Honda Civic.

Yeah, in fairness to the author of this particular proclamation, I-40

does go through this town now.

And so technically, 30 years later, the interstate system would link all roads to this town.

So not wrong if we want to be

extremely pedantic and technical.

It's not like Rome.

I would say Rome.

Rome has a population of.

I'm not excited there.

Just Rome has a population of 2.7 million, and Cookville is 36,000.

It is the Rome of the United States.

Very similar.

Okay, yeah.

Strangers frequently,

sorry, strangers frequently find their way to this city.

The latest arrival is a young lady who made her appearance in this place Sunday morning, April 30th at 9 a.m.

Uh-oh.

She is stopping at the home of the newly elected mayor of this city, John Dowell, and may be an applicant for the position of stenographer and typewriter for the new

mayor.

She is not inclined to be very social and will not make her debut in society for some time.

Those who desire to make her acquaintance can do by calling at the above home with

the pleasure of an introduction to this young lady who weighs 10 pounds.

What the fuck?

What the actual fuck just happened?

What?

It's gotta be a dog.

Oh my fucking God, I know know it's eat.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Wait.

She lives in the bar.

Is there a number missing or

are we talking about a dog?

I mean, it's got to be.

Why else should they put in their weight?

It's got to be a dog.

But wait, but this woman was applying to be the stenographer for the mayor?

Is that you guys?

I mean, it's a dog situation.

A stenographer?

I think this is.

You guys did an episode about a talking dog six fucking days ago.

That was a long time time ago, Matt.

It was a long time ago.

We have two shows.

It's a long time ago.

I think we're seeing written proof of the first cat fishing that happened in the early 1900s.

And this is a guy that's like,

I'm a hot lady.

I'm going to apply for this job, but I'm not revealing myself to the world yet.

And then he's like, what do women weigh?

I weigh 10 pounds.

Sure.

No clue what a woman is.

How much do I weigh?

10, 10 pounds exactly

could this be their way talk to me through the door i can't open it oh no no no i'm just putting the makeup all over my tits just put your thing through the hole there we go

could this be that

that they had a baby is this the baby announcement and he already has a he's already applying for a job for the baby baby stenographer i'll call pixar yeah there you go there's like three things in this that don't go together Like you have to pick two.

You can't actually.

It is a riddle.

Three.

It is a riddle.

Are you sure there's not a typo or in the weight?

Because

the lady was a riddle.

Because it all leads to there.

And then I genuinely think that that's like the thing to go, oh, it makes people go, oh, he was a skydiver and he forgot his parachute.

Is it?

I don't know.

I got the

dog or a baby, but what's the difference?

It maybe is a lady's hand.

It's an imported one.

It could be a lady's hand.

It's just the hand.

It's just a lady's hand.

It's like thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm pitching thing.

Maybe someone's writing a letter to try to get help, like they're being held hostage and they're using a code, but it's so convoluted that no one comes to help.

Hi, I weigh 10 pounds.

Can I vote for the court?

nothing, nothing.

I'm not middle with the chains at all.

Just writing this letter about being 10 pounds and a stenographer.

Inside, she's like, I hope

I can't write in the letter that I live at 246 Smith Street because that's too obvious and he'll kill me.

So I'll just put, I weigh 10 pounds and I'm a stenographer.

And if you want to date me, here's where you should call.

Forcefully.

I live in a dresser's room.

Forcefully.

Queer-looking worms.

Oh, my God.

New line?

New line.

Query worms.

Great if that was

the next line in this story.

Another fake out.

Queer-looking worms have accounts at five of our branches.

I'll tell you, I think First National is going to go under soon.

They've got to woke.

info wars bank

they got a queer they got a bunch of these queer looking worms that are opening savings accounts right now this is part of the new world order this is part of the global financial system to collapse right now they got these queer looking worms whoa

uh

New Zealand, Australia, the Samoan and the Solomon Islands, as well as portions of the Hawaiian group, are the homes of various species of worms with thick heavy bodies and with a well-defined neck can there's no neck in a worm sure there is is it all neck or no neck whoa that's tree falling in the woods right there

holy

holy zach that's some

knowledge

confucius says

yeah that's my it's my drop shit uh i'm gonna bring that up uh i'm gonna mention that at some point to someone.

And they're all neck, actually.

Who is this guy?

Oh, me?

I'm new to town.

I wrote a letter a couple years ago about visiting.

You don't remember?

I told you I was going to be.

I'm the guy that asked if the mountains were still here.

I just want to make sure the mountains were still here.

Yeah.

No, worms don't have a neck because they're only neck.

It's Schrodinger's neck.

Schrodinger's neck.

It's not a neck until you admit or you acknowledge it's all neck, and then you're like, well, now it's definitely neck.

He got neck killed.

Liberal media wants you to think that the worm is a body, but it's a neck.

It's all neck.

It's all neck.

Oh, shit.

I forgot I was in the podcast for a second.

I was just listening and that was fun so

it would happen.

The homes of various species of worms with thick, heavy bodies and with a well-defined neck connecting the body with a head that is startlingly reminded

is a startling reminder of that of a monkey.

What the fuck?

Who is saying

monkey worms?

They call it the monkey worm.

The monkey worm.

They're an invasive species.

We have to get rid of them.

All of them.

Send them to El Salvador.

The monkey worm.

I don't even remember what the fuck.

What was the headline on this psychotic?

Queer looking worms.

I mean, they are right.

It's a fucking crazy looking worm.

With the face of a monkey?

Yeah, it's a monkey worm.

Did they not know what monkeys look like?

That might be part of it.

Hopefully, that's the only issue.

Oh, man.

I thought I found the monkey worm.

It doesn't really seem to exist.

We have the name here.

In the Sandwich Islands, they are called the

Metaluki worm, which means creeper with a child's head.

And that might be the 10-pound lady.

Okay, I want to look it up.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's a centipede.

Jesus Christ.

It's just the regular worm.

It's not.

It's not that cool.

I guess when all worms look so similar, any tiny difference, they just

extrapolate it too far because they're just bored and they're just studying worms the whole time.

They go, well, that one really looks like a face.

What worm is that?

Yeah, right.

Do you guys know how anyone came up with constellations?

Like, what level of boredom and weird substance abuse leads to constellations?

Who's this guy?

He's the same neckworm guy.

You see the three dots next to the other five trillion dots?

Those three are a belt.

That's why that one I'm going with Little Dipper, because it's a little smaller than the bigger one.

You didn't say that before.

Now I did.

You making this up on the spot?

No.

Just like my classified ad show?

What?

No.

Matt,

we've already recorded the video.

We've already recorded the show.

We've already recorded that one.

We're going to release it.

This afternoon in the studio with the lawyer.

Let's go.

We're going to release it in a little bit, but we've already recorded it.

And it was a good idea.

Not that it's a bad idea.

It's just one of those parallel thought things.

That's what Amy should be.

Isn't the animated show premiering on Netflix soon?

Yep, yeah, yeah, yeah,

it looks really good.

It's gonna be great, yeah.

That was close.

Okay,

the end of this is

an old New Zealand legend says that at one time they were of immense proportions and threatened the extinction of all human life on the island.

Jesus Christ, so the worms did, yeah, giant worm, the centipedes.

It's a huge worm, yeah.

No neck, it's a big monkey worm, the monkey worm.

A thousand feet.

No neck.

No neck.

We call it a Hulk Hogan worm.

It's

the Hogan worm.

Is that the Hulkamania?

Hulkapedia.

I saw that if you Google Hogan worm, something else comes up, just so you know.

Oh, yes.

Yikes.

Is New Zealand so like such a paradise that the only danger they ever had was like a worm to like that almost took out the whole island that was probably real close like yeah pretty close to reality honestly yeah it's true they're very lucky it's true i'm saying yeah it's like a paradise but i mean it's amazing i don't think they have all the predators and things like australia does and all the snakes so i just know that the worm almost destroyed the entire society also that yeah peter dunn's coming

i think i need i need to know about the number of worms it would take to decimate the population is it if it's one that's far more interesting than if it's millions and millions.

It's invasive.

How great would it be, though, if there was a worm that had killed everybody on New Zealand and now it was just down there, and everyone's like, I don't know how to deal with this thing.

That'd be awesome.

We can't even go there.

It was just the worm, and Peter Thiel left.

Peter Thiel's just sucking juice.

Enjoy your boss citizenship, mate.

Peter Thiel's just sucking whatever juice he can out of it.

Peter, no.

I'm 15 again.

Peter, I could do an IV of this.

You should have put his mill up in an IV.

Peter, that's jamming up your veins pretty good there.

We could just send our national bass fishing league down there, and they'd be like, we can fix this.

With just our hooking all the words,

just

so many

flaky boats and hooks.

Let's go.

It's like Dunkirk.

Exactly.

Dunkirk, but with bass, folks.

And from Monkey Worm.

I mean, there has to be a Monkey Worm movie now, right?

I'm ready.

Yeah, definitely.

Yeah.

Michael Bay.

All right, let's do one last one.

Value of the kangaroo's tail.

Oh, no.

Fuck, man.

I don't like where this is going.

Yeah.

No.

So important is the kangaroo's tail and his rapid progress to the kangaroo

that experienced hunters and gun with guns are accustomed to fire at the point where this appendage joins the body oh it's so fucked up why

i mean you're basically shooting it in the butt it's just like this is where it it's the best part of the kangaroo shoot it at its ass yeah ash ash that's how you take down a kangaroo because if they don't have their tail they just spin in circles or they they don't know which way they just keep falling over it's horrible

um

When the tail being disabled for its office of balancing.

Yeah, right.

So it uses it to balance.

Without a tail, it can't balance.

Yeah, we understand that it's horrible.

The animal is as effectually stopped as if hamstrung.

Which is what I want to do to you.

Matt just left.

Matt's gone.

Matt, he had every right to leave.

Hit elsewhere, except with a rifle bullet or at point-blank range, the kangaroo is pretty likely to get off.

Well, that's different.

It is different.

It's a tough animal.

When we went and looked at kangaroos the one day, Zach, we went to like this place in Australia and we were like hanging out with them.

Yes, Dave, the next day ate kangaroo and had no, uh, did not make the connection to that being insane or anything like that.

It was tasty.

Yeah.

Nuts on these kangaroos.

Also tasty.

Jesus, Dave.

But if you shoot them in the balls, apparently they're okay.

You got to get the tail.

No, they're fine there.

Absolutely.

The locomotion does not come from the balls.

The less talk about pouch.

If you shoot a kangaroo in the ball, so it goes, oh,

it asks for another.

Yeah.

Can you try a shotgun now?

So I'm confused that these marksmen are saying, forget shooting toward the chest, the heart, like the part of the body that controls everything.

Let's shoot it in the ass, and then it just stands still.

That's right.

That's what they seem to be saying.

This is

the strangest science.

You stop it.

Yep.

And then why do you

want to play a second?

Well, don't worry about that.

Just disable it from the tail up.

Yeah, I'm not sure.

That's not my department.

I just shoot it.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm not a big what's next kind of guy.

I'm just kind of the get the tail off the fucker kind of fella.

It's a union rules.

I shoot the tail, and then the other guy comes in with a net.

I don't ask the boss questions.

I just shoot the connective part.

One peculiarity of the kangaroo is that after being started up, he very rarely swerves from his course, through which peculiarity he is easily potted by the hunters, who conceal themselves while a man on horseback drives the herd toward them.

First of all, are there herds of kangaroos?

I don't believe the question,

to be honest.

I don't think so.

And also, I'm pretty sure

they can turn.

No, no, no.

They're like a pool cleaning vacuum.

A group of kangaroos is known as a mob, a troop, or a court.

There you go.

Mob is better.

Well, shit.

That's it.

That's the story.

Well, there you go.

There it is.

Matt, it's a shame Matt's not here to close it out with us.

He's a great guy, but he definitely likes to leave on a high note.

He's always said that.

He's always back.

He knows.

He's trying to get back.

He's not, though, is he?

Look at him.

Look at him trying.

Matt!

Hey, we're done.

It all went wrong.

wrong.

It all went wrong.

I don't know what happened, but it all went wrong.

Well, don't worry.

We really figured out some stuff at the end as far as how to disable a kangaroo for no reason.

Let me guess.

You shoot it where its tail meets its body.

Is that what I understand?

Yeah, I did.

I knew I liked you.

Yeah.

Well, Matt, Zach,

the smoking tire.

We will come back on for a two-person episode.

You've got Jay Leno.

It really is,

you guys really have quite a life of cars.

And

you're awesome.

You're a great Benny Hana chef.

And people should just go watch, listen to The Smoking Tire.

Where's the best place to find that?

And you guys?

You can get it.

Download the Smoking Tire podcast with any player that you use to get podcasts, or you can get it on youtube.com slash the smoking tire podcast.

We also have our original car review channel where we put up a new video every week, which is just YouTube slash the smoking tire without the word podcast and the smoking tire on Instagram.

And Zach is the real Zach Clapman on Instagram.

Yeah, thank you guys.

I just want to, I want to say that I've been, we've both been huge fans for like a decade, so this is very

great honor and also very surreal.

Well, it's really, it's, I'm sure, it seems very human now that it's happened and we're all just sitting in our homes.

And just

go ahead and shoot the money to Venmo.

Sure.

Yeah.

Cash up.

Got it.

Cut it.

Cut it.

Cash up.

Cash up.

yeah.

Uh, thank you.

When is that video coming out, though, Garrett?

I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know, I don't, I will get listen, I'm gonna crack a lot of skulls

and get to the bottom of it.

But what I will also say is, we keep talking about doing it again, so we should do it again soon.

The hibachi is ready anytime.

Thanks, guys.

Anyway, thank you guys, appreciate it.

Thank you guys so much.

Thank you so much.

Some of these days,

you'll miss me, honey.

Some of these days.

Hey, Dollop fans.

I know you love the dollop.

You love listening to the dollop.

Do you want to watch the dollop?

You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about?

By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth.

Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation, and we are starting to animate some of our episodes.

So if you want to go watch a five-parter animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of The Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of The Rube.

It really genuinely kicks ass, and we're very proud of it.

And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them.

We're already making a second one, so go there and watch The Rube.

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