124 - The Past Times with The Smoking Tire

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All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week.

I think this is the first.

Or no, Auntie Donna, maybe, Dave? Who gives a shit? Matt.

And Zach Clapman, don't jump in. I'm in the middle of the joke.
Hi, guys. Now you can talk, Dave.

I don't think we've ever done it online. We've done it live with

more than

the smoking tire, which Dave and I have both been on.

You are car men.

Men of the men. You've been on separately.
We need to get you on together. First off, we need to let's establish that.
And we also

made Benny Hana at my house, which was

a glorious event. Going to say,

Matt texted me the day after Benny Hanna, the Benny Hana episode, and was like,

I am a certified Benny Hana chef.

So we have a video of this experience that we will share with people. But let's just say, I mean,

that was such a fucking fun night.

Yeah, it was. It was so fun.
And it was so good.

It was so good. It was was really good.
It was the whole thing was, it was like, it was like kind of, in my head, it was like, I didn't even realize what it meant.

And then when I got there, I was like, this is so silly. And then when I was eating, I was like, this is actually the greatest.
It was quite an roller coaster.

The whole thing gave me a lucid dream, for sure. Right.
Agreed.

Like, you know, the great line from clerks, like, this job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.

Like, this food would be great if it wasn't for the entire restaurant surrounding what's going in your mouth honestly it was

quite an evening quite an event but yeah um that was so fun and uh and yeah well we you guys you guys have a very successful you have an empire

Yeah, you guys aren't jumping in and saying you have an empire. You have an empire.
We have a small empire.

We're trying to grow it for some for some things. Are you trying to throw us in like an early capitalism hole? Is this

what a position is? This is a guy.

We've been doing podcasting for 13 years this year. We did our thousandth episode of the podcast

like two weeks ago soon we'll be annexing other podcasts forcing if necessary

starting with starting with Georgia keep your hands off of us who was your guest for the thousandth

oh man it was an eight-hour

live podcasting extravaganza with like 17 guests. Wow.

And

actually Jay Leno did stop by as a surprise and that was like pretty cool. Like, just like rolled up in the studio.
And Jay is such the king of the universe.

He literally walked into the studio eating a sandwich

and didn't

stop eating. Let me take you there real quick.
Hey, what's going on? What do you want to get pocket? I don't know about that. I'm having a big hoagie right now.

No, no, no, no, no, I have a hoagie right now.

He literally walked in and he said, what are you guys doing today? And he didn't know it was the thousandth show. He just,

a friend of his that was on the show texted him and said, hey, we're doing doing the smoking tire today it's kind of a thing but jay walks in holding a sandwich and says exactly what you said like hey what's going on what's going on

why are you guys talking in the microphone did that other kid communicate now to you do you guys make it content did anyone want a pizza hoagie

there's a there's a couple minutes of that show where i debate him over whether or not a watch's angle would tilt over over it's it's like a real senior moment he kind of has that he does anyway it's worth it's worth a listen

i don't want to like spend too much time throwing a legend under the bus for something really

that is something dave will do online for you after this episode um

well

the problem with this is going to be that we are such fans of both the dollop and the pastimes there might be moments where i forget i'm in the show uh

well

gareth says that a lot actually yeah

no no i there no there's a couple one time i went to the bathroom when we were doing it

oh my God.

I forget.

You're just adding sound effects. You know, he was talking about the Niagara Falls opening, and you're like, I got this.

It really is. It's that easy.
Most of my life is podcasting now. So it is just very simple.

And the fourth wall's been so broken. This morning I was listening to the episode about the talking dog, and I was like, did Gareth just say catio? And I had to rewind it.

Yeah.

Yes. I mean, I'm in the show.

Well, Matt, then we'll get into it, but Matt could have called his deck the Matteo, but instead he built a haven for his cats and he calls it the catio. And fuck me.

You really put my cat game to shame with what you've done over there. Oh, the catio is the whole thing.
It's a real

demolition man bathroom from the movie. It's just shocking.

He has little door. He has little cat tunnel things all over his house.
Yes. There's cat tunnels everywhere.

They can go for Roomer Loop. We'll probably get visited by someone.
He calls it the Hyperloop. And it's just psychologically.

It's all the money from California. I'd like you to one.
It's real.

It actually works better.

All right, guys. Well, look, you know the deal here.
We're going to, maybe you don't, but we're going to guess the year of this paper.

Now, I will say this is interesting because Dave always makes it so the guest is right when it's just me and the guest guessing. But since you're both on,

that doesn't happen. Quiet.
Since you're both on, I have a feeling this might be difficult.

but uh you guys could take a guess at what year this paper will be from um why don't we matt we start with you zach you go and then i'll go um

you know the deal how about uh

june 1910

wow you're going month and year you don't have to go month you can just go year but that's

i'm calling my shop

okay i'm gonna go

1905. These are both very good guesses.
Very good guesses. They're right in the zone.

And you know, we're like Dave Portnoy's pizza reviews. You just get one year, one year, and that's it.

What the fuck just happened?

Dave, I mean, I'm not going to ask you to be quiet again. You're not, this is not, your time is not yet.

I'm going to guess

1899.

You're wrong.

Who are you talking about? The other two gentlemen are much closer.

You're not good at this game. I'm very good at it.
I've guessed the exact year two or three times. No, yeah,

it is May 4th, 1911. Ooh, whoa, Matt.

And by the way, just

under a year off.

Also, my favorite handgun manufactured by Beretta. Case for bringing, I mean, that's, yeah.

Should we go around? Would everyone talk about their favorite handgun? The Beretta 1911.

What's your favorite handgun? Zach knows about guns. He doesn't know what 1911 drugs are.

Browning made the 1911.

Browning made the 1911, huh? Bombing already. Okay, let's go.
Wow, here we go. That's tough.
And that's why you're going to be able to do that. It is the

Putnam County Herald from Cookville, Tennessee.

Which is

somewhere in Tennessee. Who gives a shit where? It's all the same.
Dave, you just did this to Maine on another.

Stop doing this.

It's bright. There's some states that are all the same.

Most states, but they're.

No.

They were more different back then. Now every state is more similar.
Now every state is just a target, a Home Depot, a starter. I'm just talking about the geography.
I'm talking about the state.

There were some states in 1911 that were barely states. It was like dirt with one sign.
Like that was California, essentially.

Cooksville is halfway between Nashville and Knoxville. If anyone cares.
Right on 40. It's the Chod.

It's one of those places and they're like, we have caves. It's one of those places in Tennessee.
Okay.

Yes, we know you have caves. It's a good caves.

We know you have caves, Tennessee. Okay.

Oh, look, Cave Park. Yeah, you're right.

So their most beautiful view is actually underground, not outside. They're like, our greatest vista, actually don't go outside.
Come back and see.

Yes.

It's like a lot of private. There's a lot of tunnels.
There's a lot of little private caves there. A lot of private caves.
You'll be driving down the road. It'll be like, come see my private cave.

Diddy had one.

A large number of women have bank accounts with us.

How dare they?

Lehman sisters.

Is this like an ad on the top of the tunnel? It's just a little

headline. Yeah, it might be an ad, yeah, but

it looks like a story. Imagine if that was the news headline.
Like, holy shit, a bunch of women got bank accounts here. Women have money.

But it said with us. Does that, that means written by a bank, right? Or is it really stop you? There's more.
It looks, it's like a little section where people are just writing in stuff.

Mia, now that you say that, it looks like they're all writing in like little ads. Okay.
Yeah. Okay.

A large number of women have bank accounts with us and transact their own business.

Yes.

Wow. That's a great time.
Really quick. It's a great time.
Yeah.

Quite a headline.

It would not be wise to open an account for the wife and allow her. Oh, there's a question.

Would it not be wise to open an account for the wife and allow her to pay all the household expenses by check? All accounts are welcome here, First National Bank. What is happening?

They're saying that this is literally, they're just like, what about letting your lady have some money to fuck around with?

Well, it's like, why have one household bank account when you could have two? That's right.

That's what they're saying. Well, I know.
But I love that.

No, go ahead, Zach. I love that they're not saying, like, let's give women independence.
It's basically like, men, you don't want to take care of the household chores.

Why take care of the accounting side of household chores? Let the lady do that. Let her buy her broom.
Yeah, she's also buying. She's buying like things to service you.

Let her go get your foods.

A man should never touch bleach nor purchase bleach. Let the lady do that.
That's what a woman's for.

Right.

She's like the glove if it were a gender. But you don't want her around the regular account.
Right. But do we know the name of this progressive bank? First National Bank.
Okay.

They're still around. Stuck around.
Yeah. Wow.

Yo. Is it? 4.1 out of 5 on Google.
It's still there.

Shut the fuck up.

On its 135th year, and boy, does it look like it was open 100 years ago? Yeah. Oh, my my God.
First National Bank of Tennessee. I would say

in 10 years, women won't be able to have accounts there.

I hope so.

My camera's fixed, but just trust me,

it looks like a 120-year-old bank building. That's so weird.
Yeah. They were first.

4.1 out of 5, though. I'm honestly surprised it's not a Taco Bell at this point.

Don't deposit checks here. They will hold your funds hostage without telling you first.
One star.

Oh, shit.

That's not good. Yeah, that's someone who was like, hey, I want to open a bank account and here's a $5,000 check.
And they're like, can I take it out now? No.

And isn't it great that it was only 63 years later that women were allowed to apply for credit and loans across the country with the

Equal Credit Opportunity Act of 1974.

Well, that didn't go well, by the way. Yeah.
We shouldn't allow anybody to have present. We'll be taking it back.

A nice present.

The Herald will give to the first 18 ladies who bring or send in two subscriptions at 25 cents each, a three-year subscription to Park's Floral Magazine and 10 packages of flower seeds. What is this?

What is happening? Commissions? Commissions for selling subscriptions to the newspaper? Is that what that sounds like? I think it is, yeah.

Yeah. If you sell three subscriptions, we'll send you a bunch of flowers and a subscription to a flower magazine.

Top two articles are an ad for a bank and an application to become a newspaper seller for Seed.

There's a list paper that has great content like ads for banks. Yeah.

The best. Have you ever found like a penny, like a penny saver and just read like classifieds? Is that a finish?

That's actually that actually might be good. Yeah, we had all brainstorming.

We had that idea a long time ago, and we're going to do that soon. So, don't be like weirded out when you hear us do that on a newer episode.

And don't think that we just hadn't thought of that and took your idea, but didn't want to give you credit. So, we played this moment off like we'd had that idea for a while.

Yeah, we've been talking about doing that. Dave, we should finally do that because we've been talking about doing that for a long time on this show.

Yeah, so yeah, we have talked about doing that, and we plan on doing it really soon. Thank you, though.
Yeah,

those clothes

got it.

I remember you guys mentioning it at dinner, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, we call it Penny Hana. Yeah, yeah.

We talk about it a lot, actually. We talk about it so much.
Dave's wife is fucking pissed at how much we talk about it. Yeah, she hates it.
She's just like, shut up. Penny Saver again.

Yeah, we get it. You're going to do a penny saver episode.
We go, hey, look, we had this good idea a long time ago, and we're going to do it.

So don't be freaked out if it's an episode you hear pretty soon. That's what we said.
That's right. Yeah.

zach call the lawyer jesus christ date call our lawyers get a get a lawyer call

maybe there's an ad for the lawyer in the paper yeah

zach kind of me up here a little bit

I mean, do you think, do you think in this aloud they did this on purpose? The first 18 ladies who bring or send in two subscriptions at 25 cents with three years' subscriptions to

Parks Floral magazine and 10 packs. Like, there's so many numbers in the sentence.
Is this a math question?

Is this an actual SAT question?

It's an SAT question. They're trying to throw them.

They don't teach them math yet, do they? Okay, all right. So

you can take advantage of a woman if you say more than five numbers.

They can't calculate beyond that. It's like, why two case?

The women can't multiply three or four digits. Six numbers, and they will restart.

All right, this is a letter from Wrightville, Texas. Uh-oh.
Hello, Cookville. I mean, that's just how this is play.

Let's just play it. When you write a letter to a town, Hello, Cookville.

Hello, Cookville. Give me a ton of.
I'm going to do that. I'm going to write a letter to a city.

Just address it. Just like New Orleans.

The modern equivalent is like Republicans of Reddit. How do you feel about it?

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Dear New Orleans,

give me Buffalo Valley, please. Wow.
As I, yeah. He wants another place?

He wants a city?

Can we have this, please? Hello. Hello, Columbus.
Nobody's there. I'm interested in Cincinnati.
Can that be hooked up?

That seems like a letter that we've written when we were colonizing and just, you know, someone just chooses a state.

And they're like, dear Native Americans that live there, can I send you two newspaper subscriptions in exchange for your land? I'm interested in owning that, and I will, Bob.

All right. Well, Buffalo Valley is a town of what appears to be maybe one building.
Okay. And

Wikipedia says could be described as a ghost town.

Whatever the plan was, it didn't work out. Yeah, right, right.
That guy was like, well, it's a lot of work. What do you mean, plumbing? Oh, my God.

Yeah. Apparently, people often ask, is the massacre at Buffalo Valley a true story? That's

prompted.

Well, that's stunning.

Come and take it.

The guy told us in the paper he was going to do it.

That'll make a place a ghost town.

Wait, what else did he want? What were his other Buffalo Valley demands?

Give me Buffalo Valley, please, as I read so many letters from Putnam County and no news from Buffalo Valley boys. Oh, he wants to do that.

do you oh he just wants news he wants that's not the implication that we thought see you got to read more than the first sentence of our

people this is crazy

that's this show will not happen that way man okay

he's he's doing like a riddle now do you know me of course you do i bought a ticket on october 8th 1892 for fake texas For fake for fake Texas? Fate.

Okay, damn it. I wanted it.
Do you you not remember me? I bought a bus ticket there 18 years ago, and I wish you told me more about your town.

This is like someone stalking a town.

This is like, I went on, I was inside you, town, and I would like to hear back from you. Well, have you never been on City Tinder? It's awesome.

You just keep swiping, and sometimes the city matches with you.

Oh, I just, oh my God, it's awesome. I just matched with Dubuque.

Oh, the rush. I'm sure on tour, you guys have the people come up to you and they're like, do you remember when we met? You know, 10 years ago when you were in this city?

We also get the people who are very aware and will go, you probably don't remember this, but I gave you a dollar. And we're like, I have no recollection.

Exactly. Anyway.

Very healthy understanding. I don't remember that.

This writer is JL or John Bain, the son of Jim Bain, has been married eight years and have two children.

One girl, seven years, one boy, three years, one little boy dead. And the best wife.
That's a family newsletter. And by the way, that took a real weird turn.
Yeah, yeah.

Keep your dad off your update. We're good.
Is this not, is this we're here to help? Are we on a different show now?

Okay. Okay, so the kids, the kids gone, yes.
My three younger brothers are all men now. My father is not getting rich, but has good stock and some money and lives.
And this guy is this.

I will trade my dad for part of your town.

This is what happens when you run across an old person that doesn't talk to people very often.

Yes.

I also have a lot of straw to do to start with.

Also, could someone come by and help me set up my computer? I mean, it's a little early, but that's the

if you sit in silence long enough, wood screams.

Have you ever noticed that?

Yeah, yeah, any building has it. A wood will start yelling for help.

And I can't do much.

My best friend is this old rusty door hinge that talks to me when I open it. They recommend a toothbrush, but your finger does it better.
That's why God gave you a bunch of them.

Hey, Jimmy, it's time for your bath. I can't take a bath.
My skin rejected water. That's why all I could drink is tea.

I'm sitting on the chair again.

Okay. Okay.
Thank you for talking.

Good.

You died, right?

This guy was still going, though, right? I'm glad that guy's gone. Yeah, this guy is still going.

I think this is why it's bad to be the first settler in a place, and if it's a place no one wants, like, this person has 500 acres and no one else moved in, and they're just no one wants it.

This is my dream.

This is my dream dream just to have my own shining like what happens when you experience the shining with no one else

so you end up with you end up being uh what's his name kill dozer yeah

yeah

you mean a hero

yes

I have never forgotten my old school days at Denny's seminary in Buffalo Valley. And when I refer back, I can see the dear old girls and boys that I spent my happy school days with.

If God is willing, my father and I will step off at Buffalo Valley inside of two years. I would like to gaze upon the hills of old Tennessee once more as I love the dear old state.

Sid Anderson, do you remember the time in the gate we used to go to? Those days are past and gone. Eight years ago, I sowed my last wild oats.

I settled down for I'm trying to make a living for a wife and two babies, John and Belle.

Just letting you know, I'm going to be there in two years' time.

This whole 800-word shit is: I'm coming to town.

How is it over there? In 1913,

I'll be arriving.

Will the hills still be there? I'd like to look at the hills.

I'd like to have a look at the hills. Since I started planning, another boy died.

And

despite your voices, this guy was like 27.

Dude, I'm going to be there in two years. Is this going to be sick?

Fucking awesome.

He sounded like Dave. He's just that he looks like 27.
Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

That's awesome. He's never making it back.
He's dying of

typhoid or

shit. 1911, Tennessee.
Gareth, what would accentuate? Is that just heavy Tennessee? Is that still going to be British or something?

Something along these lines.

I'm excited to come visit.

Got to be careful.

I jacked off and then nailed my hand to my walking chest. No, don't.
Actually, don't.

Well, Rick leaves.

Let the circle keep it. I'm an old 27.

I'm an old 27.

It's called self-stigmata.

I mean, this is another one that's just okay, so it's a bunch of little

cactoids. Well, this lady is sending, it's a letter from, she's like sending news of what's happening in Great Bend, Texas.

The weather in general has been very good.

It's crazy. Hotels with a city is super weird.

From other states, too. Yeah.

There's a bunch of these.

Here's an update. The weather in general has been very good.
The wheat crop looks slim this time, but the farmers will make it up with corn.

I guess some of the people around Baxter, Tennessee are wondering when they will see me again. I will visit in three or four years.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Imagine you parent this by then. Imagine being sadder than the first letter.

It's like they're cheating on their own city. Yeah.
They're just

lusting for another town they might visit.

Don't tell Stephen, I'll be there in three years. Yeah.

Scarlet fever is bad at this writing.

The little daughter of W.L. Gentry's is very sick with measles.
Oh, my God. A man named RFK Jr.
said if I eat an apple, it'll cure it.

And that if I work hard and lift some weights and kill a whale, I'll be fine. Please send a whale.
I'm in a land locked down.

The goal is to get a worm living in your head like that one guy from Men in Black.

You eat the apple, which has the worm in it. The worm is in your brain.
Medicine. You've got to entice the worm to get into your brain to fix it.
Shut down the measles part.

Emma Gentry went fishing the other day and caught one fish. Don't you wish you could do that well?

It's so funny to imagine the mailman showing up and being like, ma'am, on behalf of that city, shut the fuck up. Yeah, please stop this

letter. What are you doing?

Did she just talk shit to a city and ask if that city can fish as well as the guy in her town? Like, whoa, can you fish? Like, my guy can fish? Hold me back. I got LeBron.
You can't even fish.

Can you fish like LeBron? Hold me back.

Great Bend seems like it has been reduced to about a hundred yard long dead end street in a sad-looking suburb of San Antonio. Well, because they were all bored to death by this woman.

Where are you going? I want to know

starvation while finishing this conversation. Why is your dirt a modicum drier than the one I saw in the last town? Ma'am, ma'am, I can't talk to you anymore about this.
I have to go to the coal mine.

I can't get distracted. Walk me.

How come when I throw grass in the air here, it doesn't blow in the same direction as the last town?

I'm moving. I'm going west.
I'm going to go to Nevada. Why do they call it pigeon-toed? They don't seem to have angles that bad.

Mom, I don't care. How come a cone has a big, how come a cone has a big dip in it? And if a tree falls, we call it a pine cone.
It should be called a mini pine tree.

It's just her and a tumbleweed. That's her friend.

How come it's tumbleweed? It really is more of a rolling weed, if you ask me.

Oh, man.

Tell you what, you ever hit a tumbleweed in a car, it will do some damage. Yeah, it really does.
Is that true? Yes, it's shocking. Yeah, yeah.
Some of them are like made of trees. Dude, sometimes

I've seen them and I've been like fully like, oh, shit, that's like a day ender. But when they're smaller, if I hit them, I feel like it's a power-up, like in Mario, and I'm like, it's a coin.
Yes.

Both can be true. Both can be true.
Yeah. Is there a noise when you hit it? It's like, boop, boop, boop.
Little.

Yeah. It's like, yeah, it's like a, like a like a flam.
Is that the term on a snare drum?

It's that, but with trees exploding on your... I'm pretty sure that's right.
Pretty sure that's a word. Sure.
I think that's a word.

The final thing is, the peach crop is all killed, but we will have some apples if Jack Frost doesn't come again. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Name-dropping Jack Frost like it's a person. You know, Jack Frost came over and I sucked his dick.

Jesus Christ.

His carrot is awful nice when you're 69.

Be careful.

He keeps bringing me pineapple shades. I don't know why he wants me to flatten this fucking thing.
I don't know what he's up to.

Holy shit, I just finished writing the letter and my town's gone.

So we're like halfway down the page and nothing has happened in this fucking town.

We've learned about Texas and we've got advertising. Like, what is happening in this town? Very little.
Nothing. Just very little.
Nothing. All right, now that that's settled, thank you.

Okay, I'll go home.

You are home. Stay home.
Nothing.

Gareth, you've been using a wallet for a while now. And why don't you tell the people what that wallet is? Well, I, for a while, went with like a money clip, and it just wasn't, it wasn't working out.

And someone recommended the Ridge wallet to me probably about two years ago, and I've never looked back. It is the easiest, looks good.

Basically, it just holds all your credit cards, your IDs with a little cushiony inside. It's got a little band on the outside for cash if you're carrying that.
I don't know who carries cash anymore.

It's the best.

The second that Ridge wanted to work with us, I was like, I love their stuff.

And now they have a slick keychain, too. So Ridge, to me, is just one of the best.
Yeah, they do have a really cool keychain. And that's one of the, they just sent us one.
And I was like, ooh,

it's very, the whole, the whole thing is very slim uh unique looking modern design it's like a metaly design aluminum titanium and carbon fiber those are all very good materials yeah i only use carbon fiber yeah i mean i'm a big carbon fiber guy they got tons of colors 50 50 plus colors uh and styles and then a lifetime warranty also i was showing it off to my nephew and he was like i have a ridge as well yes a couple yeah it's it's happening i've seen people with them and i've always wondered what it was and now i have one uh They got over 100,000 five-star reviews.

So people like it. And also, I like that I can keep them in my front pocket.

And I was before using, I have a big, thick leather thing. See, that's what we got to get out of it.

Like, Ridge is like, Ridge is like coming in, and it's like an efficiency coach. It's just like, look, what do you actually need? And you're like, Ridge, you just know me so well, Ridge.

Ridge has free shipping, a 99-day risk-free trial and a lifetime warranty on all their products. So for a limited time, our listeners get 10% off at Ridge by using code Pastimes at checkout.

Just head to ridge.com and use code Pastimes, and you're all set. After you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them.

Please support our show and tell them our show sent you, the Pastimes podcast, and

furniture movers. Yes,

people don't know that about us. No, we do a ton of that stuff.
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uh still in session the 75 days of session for which pay is allowed members of the legislature both houses are holding daily sessions without pay and the democratic members propose to do so until the next general assembly meets unless the fugitive members return and allow business to proceed

if i so congress is in session but they're unpaid yeah it's three months they can't officially

they can't officially hold a session because a bunch of a bunch of them have fled oh yeah they don't have they don't have quorum and they're calling them fugitives which is awesome and people should do that more often.

Maybe.

Imagine our Congress not getting paid for a moment of time. Oh my God.

In the meantime, most of the state institutions cannot draw any money nor salaries paid. Oh, so everything's fucked up.

Government freeze. Yeah, shut it down.
Shut it down.

A pretty mess these men have made by their unwise, if not illegal, piece of politics in fleeing from the state like criminals, and on them rests all blame for present conditions.

Yeah, ran away to shut the government down.

I wonder if any, if there's a lesson to be learned from that.

No.

It's a good thing we never did that again. Yeah.

That used to be a toothless tactic. Yeah.
Yeah.

That happened all the time back then. Like that happened all the fucking time.

Well, it took like seven years to get a hold of somebody. I'm not surprised it didn't happen by accident.
Well, that's Musk's new, that's the new Musk game plan, so don't worry about that.

Have you ever driven, have you guys ever driven a Cybertruck? Yes. Yeah.

And is it, is it ridiculous? Is it

bad? I mean, it's mostly bad. It's, yeah.
It's, I mean, it mostly just drives like any electric car,

but it's just built so badly that you can't get past that. Is it true? You get a a hemorrhoid if you sit in the seat?

I, so the other day, I did something for the first time, which is I thumbs down somebody in a parking lot

as they were looking because I'm driving an orange Bentley, and so everybody's looking at me. And

a guy in a cyber truck with that dark MAGA hat, the black MAGA hat, looks over at me. And I did the slow, and

for a moment, i was

aroused uh and it was just incred an incredible thing because you know because it's it it's it it was the confusion that i generated in this person they were so confused because when you're in an orange bentley you are someone of status yeah you're not just rich you're like

disgustingly you're the person that that person thinks they're going to be even though they're never going to be that person and so when you disapprove it's like

yeah. And then a panel falls off their cyber truck.
Very true. That's happening quite easily.

The wind will do that. That's so great.
I love

that. The cyber truck is, it drives like a car, but it looks sort of like a tough truck, which it's not because they have a lot of problems off-roading and they have a toe hitch issue.

And it's also not as good at being a normal pickup truck. So basically you have a very strange looking car that's very sharp on the outside, genuinely.

And we shaved a cucumber with the inside of the door because it was. Oh, yeah, we did.
Yeah. Are you kidding? I'm not kidding.

You can make a salad from scratch with no other tools if you have a cyber drug. Well, that's an advantage.
Now that my fingers off by accident, most cars don't have that.

That's true. That was a selling point.

Yeah, he could have marketed it with that and not been lying, unlike everything else he said about it.

So most most doors have rubber stripping right but our door our door is sharp so you can use it as a knife if you need to but also it's a lot more efficient that way

rocket

oh it's so great it's really great

I mean one of the best videos ever is when he throws that wave out the window and it cracks like it's just like

that's just Elon Musk

it's just him and that's him in a nutshell none of it works.

Yeah,

it's all bad. Everything about it is bad, is really bad.
Yeah.

Well, at least he's taking over all of the government's computers so people eventually own money. When I saw the cyber truck, I thought, well, what if that was Social Security?

It's good to have that.

Yes, yes, an illusion of function. Yeah, that is actually quite bad.

bad at truck shit, but if you, if someone said, you know, hey, hey, big rock, design me a vehicle that's optimized for running over protesters

and being very difficult to identify from any other model, any other example of this same vehicle later,

what would that vehicle look like?

Make the front like razor blades, please. It is Agent Smith from the Matrix.
It just multiplies itself and it's killed unidentifiable. Which one's the real one? I don't know.
Yeah.

No DeLorean lessons were learned when designing or building the fucking Cybertruck. None.
This has all happened beat for beat exactly the same 40 years ago. It's exactly the same.

I mean, and hopefully he has to do a cocaine deal to save his losses.

That would be awesome.

if we tank the sock enough you guys he's gonna start moving the duffel shuffle it's coming man the 22nd is the big day which will be two days after

probably oh well if he if he starts flying rockets from like van uh was it vandenberg just to columbia and landing over there then we're gonna know that something's up you know i don't know where

a rocket has crash landed off the coast of columbia

Do we have more news or is this just the rest of the show? Because I'm having fun. I'm in.

Guy Bohannon killed. Oh, good.
Andy Hargett by Cybertruck. What? Yeah, by the way.

Andy Hargett shot and killed Guy Bohannon last night about sundown. The shooting was done with a shotgun and followed a dispute about a small sum said to be due

Bohannon

for the guy who

buy Buford Tannon over the matter of $80. That's what I just heard right now.
Time traveling cyber truck.

The tragedy occurred near the home of Hargett on the premises of his father a few miles east of Cookville. No arrests have been made.

Deputy Sheriff.

He knows who did it.

He shot.

The guy who owed him money shot the guy. Well, now he doesn't have to pay the money.
Oh,

that's like a second mortgage. No, what's it called? When you refinance it.
Reverse marketing. Yeah,

refinance.

That's student loan forgiveness, essentially. Yeah, yeah.

And Ben Affleck is the accountant to refinance.

Who's the first?

Ben Affleck was the accountant too. Then again, another one.

They are. Oh, there is an accountant too.
Yeah, I don't know what that is. I don't know anything.
I'm sorry.

But it's called rebate.

Is it? No.

If I got that close on a random guess, like, wow, okay.

Hollywood is predictable. 1099.

Deputy Sheriff Miller visited the scene of the shooting and picked up a gun wad that was covered with blood. Yeah.
What's a gun wad?

Well,

I'll answer. So

over

too much, and then the discharge is sort of,

yeah.

Some people get excited. Yeah, really excited.
You know,

a gun wad. Yeah.

So if the shooting is great,

you can't conversion inside of a shotgun shell.

If the shooting is really good, you also blow your wad. Yeah.
Right. Correct.
Yes. It's definitely the case.
Okay, so what if something else comes out of a shotgun besides the

if you really believe in the Second Amendment, like really strongly,

then you orgasm. But if you don't orgasm when you fire your weapon, you're not a real patriot and you should work.
It's called written housing. Yeah.

The NRA waives the membership fee.

If you could fire a gun at them, then the NRA is like, you're in. Yeah, if you can show us your G is, then we'll waive this fee.

But if you don't show us the G is on the inside of your pants, that's $28.

Well, some shooting ranges have the targets you're shooting at, and then they have what's called a pants target that they put right under you. And if you can,

if you can hit that one too, you're damned. It's like a baseball park urinal, sort of.
Yeah, exactly. It also has little pictures of terrorists on the inside.
Yep. Sure.

Yep.

Shotgun shells have a thing in them. There's like powder, and then there's the pellets, and then there's a thing of like cotton or wool or some kind of fabric that's called the wad, and it comes out.

If it was covered in blood, like it would have come out and then landed in a pool of blood. Like it would have been like an alley oop, pretty much.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
Like a double, like a two for one.

It means the guy was close because it's funny is, you know, the shell, the, the BBs go very far, and then the wad follows up like a, like a tissue being thrown at somebody or like a yeah a handkerchief when a woman's going away on a ship and it's like remember me

that's exactly how they that's how they describe it in uh a gun training class yeah yeah yeah

we call it the remember me all right boss now remember

when you take down the intruder They go down the wad and lands right on their schnauz and you go, remember me. Like a kerchief from a forlorn lover on a ship that's about to deport.

The joke really changes with a voice. Yeah, it does.

Very uncomfortable at that point. It actually says right here, showing that the men were close together.
So there you go. Oh,

Zach's analysis, forensic analysis. There's pretty good, yes.
Take the glasses off. They were standing close together.
Yeah.

I just love that they're doing men.

I just love that

they know who shot him. They know why.
They have

whatever, the wad. They got all the evidence.
And then they're like, no, Russ.

I wonder if any parallels can be drawn to anything today. Nope.

No.

Imagine how easy, though. Back then, like the person who shot him could just go to the town where that one lady lives, and he could be her new only neighbor.
Oh, okay. And no one would find him.
Nope.

Or it's just people, like, if you ever listen to a show called The Dollop, people change their name like every six months, and that is a foolpoof way, and it's foolproof to do crimes.

Fucking crazy. Are you Jack Honda? No, my name's Randy

Han.

Have a good day. Sorry about that.
Like they just cross out their own name on their license. They go, no, no, no.
Now it's, you know, it's Steve Wilson. Oh, he's got the paperwork.
Sorry, Mr. Wilson.

Have a good day.

And then they would get elected sheriff. Yeah.

Just arrived. It was said that in the days of the Roman Empire, all roads led to Rome.

Cookville seems to be similarly situated.

We made a monorail.

But just like Rome,

It's like,

one of my best buddies in Boston lives in this town called Revere.

And like, just fucking animals, these people.

Just absolute monsters. And he moved to L.A.
We were like doing comedy together. And we were at the gym one day.
And one guy had a sweater on that said Revere.

We'd been to the gym 40 times, never seen it.

And he goes up to the guy, says this stuff, and he comes back to me and goes, it's just me. Does it seem like everyone out here knows Revere? And I was like, nobody does.
Nobody knows Revere.

One guy has a letter, and

you're just exploding that into a bunch of bullshit. He's like, All right,

leave it be.

That's the clearest example of recency bias I've ever heard in my entire life.

Everyone knows Revere. Also, the same guy one time he said, He goes, Uh, Revere, he almost wanted, he told me later he wanted to throw this guy out of a window.

He was a buddy of ours, and uh, he was raised in uh, he was raised in China, this buddy. And so, so my friend goes, Revere has the best Chinese food in the world.

And my friend goes, I've eaten Lo Main on the Great Wall of China. And my buddy was so red-hot mad inside.
He's like, how dare he?

Are you saying that China has better Chinese food than fucking Revere? Are you saying that? Furious. And he was like, so you think China's got better Chinese food than where I'm from, huh?

In America. You started it, Revere perfected it, all right?

And then he calls him a slur and burns down his fucking Honda Civic.

In fairness to the author of this particular proclamation, I-40

does go through this town now. And so technically, 30 years later, the interstate system would link all roads to this town.
So not wrong, if we want to be

extremely pedantic and technical. Yeah, it's not like Rome.

I would add Rome.

Rome has a population of

Rome has a population of 2.7 million, and Cookville is 36,000.

It is the Rome of the United States. Very similar.
Okay, yeah.

Strangers frequently

strangers frequently find their way to this city. The latest arrival is a young lady who made her appearance in this place Sunday morning, April 30th, at 9 a.m.
Uh-oh.

She is stopping at the home of the newly elected mayor of this city, John Dow, and may be an applicant for the position of stenographer and typewriter for the new

mayor.

She is not inclined to be very social and will not make her debut in society for some time.

Those who desire to make her acquaintance can do by calling at the above home when he can have the pleasure of an introduction to this young lady who weighs 10 pounds. What the fuck?

What the actual fuck just happened? What? It's got to be a dog? It's got to be a dog. Oh my fucking God, I've got to be.

Wait. Hey,

hey. Wait.

She lives at the bottom of the house. Is there a number missing or are we actually, are we talking about a dog? I mean, it's got to be, why else should they put in their weight? It's got to be a dog.

But wait, but this woman was applying to be the stenographer for the mayor? Is that you? I mean, it's a hot situation.

A stenographer? I think, I think this is. You guys did an episode about a talking dog six fucking days ago.

That was a long time ago, Matt.

It was a long time ago.

We have two shows. It's a long time ago.

I think we're seeing written proof of the first cat fishing that happened in the early 1900s. And this is a guy that's like,

I'm a hot lady. I'm going to apply for this job, but I'm not revealing myself to the world yet.
And then he's like, what do women weigh? I weigh 10 pounds. Sure.
No clue what a woman is.

How much do I weigh?

10,

10 pounds. Exactly.

Could this be their way? Talk to me through the door. I can't open it.
Oh, no, no, no. I'm just putting the makeup all over my tits.
Just put your thing through the hole. There we go.

Could this be that

they had a baby? Is this the baby announcement? And he already has a, he's already applying for a job for the baby. Baby stenographer? I'll call Pixar.
Yeah, there you go.

There's like three things in this that don't go together. Like you have to pick two.
You can't actually

do it all three. It is a riddle.
Are you sure there's not a typo or in the wait? Because it's lady.

Because it all leads to there. And then I genuinely think that that's like the thing to go, oh, it makes people go, oh, he was a skydiver and he forgot his parachute.

Is it.

I don't know. I got it's a dog or a baby, but what's the difference? It maybe is a lady's hand.

It could be a lady's hand. It's just the hand.
It's just a lady's hand.

It's like thing.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm pitching thing.

Maybe someone's writing a letter to try to get help, like they're being held hostage, and they're using a code, but it's so convoluted that no one comes to help. Hi, I weigh 10 10 pounds.

Can I work for the court?

What are you writing?

Nothing, nothing.

I'm nothing with the chains at all.

Just writing this letter about being 10 pounds and a stenographer.

And then inside, she's like, I hope

I can't write in the letter that I live at 246 Smith Street because that's too obvious and he'll kill me. So I'll just put, I weigh 10 pounds and I'm a stenographer.

And if you want to date me, here's where where you should call

forcefully.

I live in a dresser's room. Forcefully.

Queer-looking worms.

Oh my God.

New line? New line. Queer looking worms.
Okay,

another fake. It'd be great if that was

the next line in this story.

Another fake ass. Queer looking worms have accounts at five of our branches.
I'll tell you, I think First First National is going to go under soon.

They've got to woke.

Info Wars Bank.

They got a bunch of these queer-looking worms that are opening savings accounts right now. This is part of the New World Order.
This is part of the global financial system to collapse right now.

They got these queer-looking worms. Whoa.

New Zealand, Australia, the Samoan, and the Solomon Islands, as well as portions of the Hawaiian group, are the homes of various species of worms with thick, heavy bodies and with a well-defined neck.

There's no neck in a worm? Sure, there is. Is it all necks or is there no neck? Whoa, that's fucking tree falling in the woods shit right there.

Holy shit.

Holy shit, Zach.

That's some fucking knowledge.

Confucius says, says,

yeah, that's Mike. It's Mike drop shit.

I better bring that up. I better mention that at some point to someone.
They're all neck, actually. Who is this guy? Oh, me? I'm new to town.
I wrote a letter a couple years ago about visiting.

You don't remember? I told you I was going to be here. I'm the guy that asked if the mountains were still here.
I just want to make sure the mountains were still here.

Yeah.

No, worms don't have a neck because they're only neck.

It's Schrödinger's neck.

Schrodinger's neck.

It's not a neck until you admit or you acknowledge it's all neck, and then you're like, well, now it's definitely neck. He got neck pills.

Liberal media wants you to think that the worm is a body, but it's a neck. It's all neck.
It's all neck.

Oh, shit.

I forgot I was in the podcast for a second. I was just listening to that five seconds.

The homes of various species of worms with thick, heavy bodies and with a well-defined neck connecting the body with a head that is startlingly reminded

is a startling reminder of that of a monkey. What the fuck? Who is saying

monkey worms? They call it the monkey worm. The monkey worm.

They're an invasive species. We have to get rid of them.
All of them. Send them to El Salvador.

The monkey worm, huh?

I don't even remember what the fuck. What was the headline on this psychotic worm? Queer-looking worms.
I mean, they are right. It's a fucking crazy-looking worm.
With the face of a monkey?

Yeah, it's a monkey worm.

Did they not know what monkeys look like?

That might be part of it. Hopefully, that's the only issue.

Oh, man. I thought I found the monkey worm.
It doesn't really seem to exist. No, we have the the name here.

In the Sandwich Islands, they are called the

Metaluki worm, which means creeper with a child's head.

And that might be the 10-pound lady.

Okay, I'm going to look it up. Oh, yeah.
Oh, it's a centipede.

Jesus Christ.

It's just the regular worm.

It's not that cool. I guess when all worms look so similar, any tiny difference, they just

extrapolate it too far because they're just bored and they're just studying worms the whole time. They go, that one really looks like a face.

What worm is that? Yeah, right.

Do you guys know how anyone came up with constellations? Like, what level of boredom? and weird substance abuse leads to constellation.

Look at this guy. He's the same neck worm guy.
You see the three dots next to the the other five trillion dots? Those three are a belt.

That's why that one I'm going with Little Dipper because it's a little smaller than the bigger one. You didn't say that before.
Now I did. You making this up on the spot? No.

Just like my classified ad show? What?

No.

Matt.

We've already recorded the show.

We're going to record the show. We've already recorded that one.
We're going to release it.

We're going to release it in a a little bit, but we've already recorded it. And it was a good idea.
Not that it's a bad idea. It's just one of those parallel thought things.
That's what Amy should be.

Isn't the animated show premiering on Netflix soon?

Yep, it is. Yep.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
It looks really good. It's going to be great.
Yeah.

That was close. Okay,

the end of this is.

An old New Zealand legend says that at one time they were of immense proportions and threatened the extinction of all human life on the island. Jesus Christ.

The worms did? Yes. Giant worm.
The centipedes. It's a huge worm.
Yeah. No neck.
It's a big monkey worm. The monkey worm.
A thousand feet.

No neck. No neck.
Yeah, it's just a Hulk.

We call it a Hulk Hogan worm.

It's

the Hogan worm. Is that Hulkamania?

I saw that if you Google Hogan worm, something else comes up, just so you know. Oh, yes.

Yikes.

Is New Zealand so like such a paradise that the only danger they ever had was like a worm? They're like, ah, that almost took out the whole island. That was probably real close.
Yeah.

Pretty close to reality, honestly. Yeah, it's true.
They're very lucky. It's true.
I'm saying it's like a paradise, but I mean, it's amazing.

I don't think they have all the predators and things like Australia does and all the snakes. So

the worm almost destroyed the entire society. Also, that.

Yeah. Peter Dunn's coming.

I think I need to know about the number of worms it would take to decimate the population. If it's one, that's far more interesting than if it's millions and millions.
It's invasive. Go ahead.

How great would it be, though, if there was a worm that had killed everybody on New Zealand and now it was just down there and everyone's like, I don't know how to deal with this thing.

That'd be awesome. We can't even go there.

It was just the worm and Peter Thiel left.

Peter Thiel's just sucking juice

citizenship, mate. Peter Thiel's just sucking whatever juice he can out of it.
Peter, no.

I'm 15 again. Peter.
I could do an IV of this.

He's just putting jammill up beads in an IV. Peter, that's jamming up your veins pretty good there.

We could just send our national bass fishing league down there, and they'd be like, we can fix this. They just start hooking all the words.

Just so many

flaky boats and hooks. Let's go.

It's like Dunkirk.

Exactly.

Dunkirk, but with bass boats and some monkey worms.

I mean, there has to be a monkey worm movie now, right? I'm ready. Yeah, definitely.
Yeah. Michael Bay.

All right, let's do one last one.

Value of the kangaroo's tail.

Oh, no. Fuck, man.
I don't like where this is going. Yeah.

No.

So important is the kangaroo's tail and his rapid progress to the kangaroo

that experienced hunters

with guns are accustomed to fire at the point where this appendage joins the body. Oh, it's so fucked up.

Why are you shooting it in the tail? I mean, you're basically shooting it in the butt. It's just like, this is where

it's the best part of the kangaroo. Shoot it at its ass.
Yeah,

that's how you take down a kangaroo. Because if they don't have their tail, they just spin in circles or they don't know which way they're taking.
They just keep falling over. It's horrible.

When the tail being disabled for its office of balancing. Yeah, right.
So it uses it to balance. Without a tail, it can't bounce.
Yeah, we understand that it's horrible.

The animal is as effectually stopped as if hamstrung.

Which is what I want to do to you. Matt just left.
Matt's going to be. Matt, he had every right to leave.

Hit elsewhere, except with a rifle bullet or at point-blank range, the kangaroo is pretty likely to get off. Well, that's different.
It is different. It's a tough animal.

When we went and looked at kangaroos the one day, Zach, we went to like this place in Australia and we were like hanging out with them. Yes, Dave, the next day, ate kangaroo and had no,

did not make the connection to that being insane or anything like that. It was tasty.
Yeah. Nuts on these kangaroos.

Also tasty. Jesus, Dave.
But if you shoot them in the balls, apparently they're okay. You got to get the tail.
No, they're fine there. Absolutely.

The locomotion does not come from the balls. The less confused about pouch.
If you shoot a kangaroo in the balls, it goes, oh,

it asks for another. Yeah.

Can you try a shotgun now? So I'm confused that these marksmen

are saying, forget shooting toward the chest, the heart, like the part of the body that controls everything. Let's shoot it in the ass and then it just stands still.
That's right.

That's what they seem to be saying. This is

the strangest science. You stop it.
Yep. And then why do you

want to play a second part? Well, don't worry about that. Just disable it from the tail up.

Yeah, I'm not sure. That's not my department.
I just shoot it. Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm not a big what's next kind of guy. I'm just kind of the get the tail off the fucker kind of fella.

It's union rules. I shoot the tail and then the other guy comes in with the net.
I don't ask the boss questions. I just shoot the connective part

One peculiarity of the kangaroo is that after being started up he very rarely swerves from his course Through which peculiarity he is easily potted by the hunters who conceal themselves while a man on horseback drives the herd toward them.

First of all, are there herds of kangaroos? I don't believe so

to be honest. I don't think so.
I don't think so. And also, I'm pretty sure

they can turn. No, no, no.

They're like a pool cleaning vacuum.

A group of kangaroos is known as a mob, a troop, or a court. There you go.

Mob is better.

Well, shit. That's it.
That's the story. Well, there you go.
There it is. Matt.
It's a shame Matt's not here to close it out with us. He's a great guy, but he definitely likes to leave on a high note.

He's always said that. He's always back.
He knows that. He's trying to get back.
He's not, though, is he? Look at him. Look Look at him trying.

Matt, hey, we're done.

It all went wrong. It all went wrong.
I don't know what happened, but it all went wrong. Well, don't worry.

We really figured out some stuff at the end as far as how to disable a kangaroo for no reason.

Let me guess. You shoot it where its tail meets its body.
Is that what I always say? Oh, yeah, I did. I knew I liked you.
Yeah.

Well, Matt, Zach,

the smoking tire.

We will come back on for a two-person episode. You've got Jay Leno.
It really is,

you guys really have quite a life of cars. And

you're awesome. You're a great Benny Hannah chef.
And people should just go watch, listen to the Smoking Tire. Where's the best place to find that? And you guys?

You can get it.

Download the Smoking Tire podcast with any player that you use to get podcasts, or you can get it on youtube.com slash the smoking tire podcast.

We also have our original car review channel where we put up a new video every week, which is just YouTube slash The Smoking Tire without the word podcast and The Smoking Tire on Instagram.

And Zach is the real Zach Clappman on Instagram.

Yeah. Thank you guys.

I want to say that I've been, we've both been huge fans for like a decade, so this is very,

it's a great honor and also very surreal. Well, it's really, I'm sure it seems very human now that it's happened and we're all just sitting in our homes.
And just

go ahead and shoot the money to Venmo. Sure.

Cash in it.

Got it. Cash in it.
Cash up.

Thank you. When is that video coming out, though? Garrett.
What is it?

I don't know.

I will get. Listen, I'm going to crack a lot of skulls

and get to the bottom of it. But what I will also say is, we keep talking about doing it again, so we should do it again soon.

The hibachi is ready. Anytime.

Thanks, guys.

Anyway, thank you guys. Appreciate it.
Thank you guys so much. Thank you so much.

Some of these days,

you'll miss me, honey.

Some of these days.

Hey, Dollop fans. I know you love the dollop.
You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about?

By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes.

So if you want to go watch a five-parter animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of The Rube.

It really genuinely kicks ass, and we're very proud of it.

And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them.

We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the Rube.

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