124 - The Past Times with The Smoking Tire

Speaker 1 Hey guys, it's Kamal Nanjiani.

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Speaker 7 All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

Speaker 7 I'm Gareth Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week.

Speaker 7 I think this is the first.

Speaker 7 Or no, Auntie Donna, maybe, Dave?

Speaker 5 Who gives a shit? Matt.

Speaker 7 And Zach Clapman, don't jump at him in the middle of the joke. Hi, guys.
Now you can talk, Dave.

Speaker 11 I don't think we've ever done it online. We've done it live with more than

Speaker 7 the smoking tire, which Dave and I have both been on.

Speaker 7 You are car men,

Speaker 5 men of men. You know separately.
We need to get you on together. First off, we need to let's establish that.
And we also

Speaker 5 made Benny Hanna at my house, which was a

Speaker 5 glorious event.

Speaker 7 Going to say, we Matt texted me the day after Benny Hana, the Benny Hana episode. It was like, I uh, I am a certified Benny Hanna chef.

Speaker 7 So, uh, we have a video of this experience that we will share with people. But let's just say, I mean,

Speaker 7 that was such a fucking fun night.

Speaker 5 Yeah, it was. It was so fun.

Speaker 11 And it was so good.

Speaker 5 It was so good. It was really good.
It was the whole thing.

Speaker 7 It was like, it was like kind of in my head, it was like I didn't even realize what it meant. And then when I got there, I was like, this is so silly.

Speaker 7 And then when I was eating, I was like, this is actually the greatest.

Speaker 5 It was quite an roller coaster. The whole thing could be a lucid dream for sure.
Right.

Speaker 5 Like, you know, the great line from clerks, like, this job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers. Like, this food would be great if it wasn't for the entire restaurant to surround.

Speaker 5 Honestly, it was quite an evening and quite an event, but

Speaker 7 that was so fun.

Speaker 7 And yeah, well,

Speaker 7 you guys have a very successful, you have an empire.

Speaker 7 You guys aren't jumping in and saying you have an empire. You have an empire.

Speaker 5 We have a small empire.

Speaker 5 We're trying to grow it

Speaker 5 for some things. Are you trying to throw us in like an early capitalism hole? Is this

Speaker 5 auto position? This is a guy.

Speaker 5 We've been doing podcasting for 13 years this year. We did our thousandth episode of the podcast

Speaker 5 like two weeks ago. Soon we'll be annexing other podcasts for Sundays if necessary.

Speaker 5 Starting with Georgia.

Speaker 7 Keep your hands off of us. Who was your guest for the thousandth?

Speaker 5 Oh, man. It was an eight-hour.

Speaker 5 live podcasting extravaganza with like 17 guests. Wow.

Speaker 5 And actually, Jay Leno did stop by as a surprise, and that was like pretty cool. Like just like rolled up in the studio.

Speaker 5 And Jay is such is such the king of the universe he literally walked into the studio eating a sandwich

Speaker 5 and didn't let me stop eating let me i'll take you there real quick hey what's going on what you got with your package

Speaker 5 i'm in a big hoagie right now

Speaker 5 He literally walked in and he said, what are you guys doing today? He didn't know it was the thousandth show. He just,

Speaker 5 a friend of his that was on the show texted him and said, hey, we're doing the smoking tire today. It's kind of a thing.

Speaker 5 But Jay walks in holding a sandwich and says exactly what you said: like, hey, what's going on? What's going on?

Speaker 5 Why are you guys talking in the microphone?

Speaker 7 Did that other kid communicate now to you?

Speaker 7 Did anyone want to pizza hoagie?

Speaker 5 There's a couple minutes of that show where I debate him over whether or not a watch's angle would tilt over

Speaker 5 what it's like a real senior moment he kind of has that he does anyway. It's worth it, it's worth a listen.

Speaker 5 I don't want to like spend too much time throwing a legend under the bus for something.

Speaker 7 That is something Dave will do online for you after this episode.

Speaker 5 Well,

Speaker 5 the problem with this is going to be that we are such fans of both the dollop and the pastimes. There might be moments where I forget I'm in the show.

Speaker 11 Gareth says that a lot, actually. Yeah.

Speaker 7 No, no,

Speaker 7 no. There's a couple of one time I went to the bathroom when we were doing it.

Speaker 5 And I'm like, oh, my God.

Speaker 5 I forget.

Speaker 5 You're just adding sound sound effects. You know, he was talking about the Niagara Falls opening, and you were like, I got this.

Speaker 7 It really is. It's that easy.
Most of my life is podcasting now, so it is just very simple.

Speaker 5 And the fourth wall's been so broken. This morning I was listening to the episode about the talking dog, and I was like, did Gareth just say catio? And I had to rewind it.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 I mean, the show.

Speaker 5 Well,

Speaker 7 Matt, then we'll get into it, but Matt could have called his deck the Mattio, but instead he built a haven for his cats and he calls it the catio.

Speaker 7 And fuck me, you really put my cat game to shame with what you've done over there.

Speaker 11 Oh, the cat, the catio is

Speaker 5 a real

Speaker 7 man bathroom from the movie.

Speaker 5 It's just shocking.

Speaker 11 He has little, he has little door, he has little cat tunnel things all over his house.

Speaker 5 Yes, there's cat tunnels everywhere.

Speaker 5 They can go from room to room. We'll probably get visited by somebody.

Speaker 7 He calls it the Hyperloop, and it's just a double edge.

Speaker 5 It's all the money from California. If I'm like the other one, it's real.
real.

Speaker 7 It actually works better.

Speaker 7 All right, guys. Well, look, you know the deal here.
We're going to, maybe you don't, but we're going to guess the year of this paper.

Speaker 7 Now, I will say this is interesting because Dave always makes it so the guest is right when it's just me and the guest guessing. But since you're both on,

Speaker 11 that doesn't happen. Quiet.

Speaker 7 Since you're both on,

Speaker 7 I have a feeling this might be difficult. But you guys could take a guess at what year this paper will be from.
Um, why don't we, Matt, we start with you, Zach, you go, and then I'll go. Um,

Speaker 7 you know the deal.

Speaker 5 How about

Speaker 5 uh

Speaker 5 June 1910?

Speaker 7 Wow, you're going month and year. You don't have to go month.
You can just go year, but that's

Speaker 5 I'm calling my shop.

Speaker 5 Okay, Zach. I'm going to go 1905.

Speaker 7 These are both very good guesses.

Speaker 7 Very good guesses. They're right in the zone.

Speaker 7 And you know, we're like Dave Portnoy's pizza reviews. You just get one year, one year, and that's it.

Speaker 11 What the fuck just happened?

Speaker 7 Dave, I mean, I'm not going to ask you to be quiet again. You're not, this is not, your time is not yet.

Speaker 7 I'm going to guess

Speaker 7 1899.

Speaker 5 You're wrong.

Speaker 11 Who are you talking about? The other two gentlemen are much closer.

Speaker 5 You're not good at this game. I'm very good at it.

Speaker 7 I've guessed the exact year two or three times.

Speaker 5 Now you haven't.

Speaker 11 It is May 4th, 1911.

Speaker 5 Ooh,

Speaker 5 Matt.

Speaker 7 And by the way, just

Speaker 7 under a year off.

Speaker 5 Also, my favorite handgun manufactured by Beretta. Case for bringing that up.

Speaker 11 I mean, that's, yeah.

Speaker 7 Should we go around? Would everyone talk about their favorite handgun?

Speaker 5 The Beretta 1911.

Speaker 5 What's your favorite handgun? Zach knows about guns. He doesn't know a 1911 drug.

Speaker 11 Manufacturer year.

Speaker 5 Browning made the 1911.

Speaker 5 Browning made the 1911, huh? Bombing already. Okay, let's go.
Wow, here we go.

Speaker 7 That's tough.

Speaker 5 And that's why you're not. It is the

Speaker 11 Putnam County Herald from Cookville, Tennessee.

Speaker 11 Which is

Speaker 11 somewhere in Tennessee. Who gives a shit where? It's all the same.

Speaker 7 Dave, you just did this to Maine on another.

Speaker 5 Whoa.

Speaker 5 Stop doing this.

Speaker 11 It's right. There's some states that are all the same.

Speaker 7 Most states, but they're.

Speaker 5 No.

Speaker 5 They were more different back then.

Speaker 7 Now every state is more similar. Now every state is just a target, a Home Depot, a Star Trek.

Speaker 11 I'm just talking about the geography.

Speaker 5 There were some states in 1911 that were barely states. It was like dirt with one sign.
Like that was California, essentially.

Speaker 5 Cooksville is halfway between Nashville and Knoxville, if anyone cares. Right on I-40.

Speaker 7 It's the Chod.

Speaker 11 It's one of those places and they're like, we have caves. It's one of those places in Tennessee.

Speaker 11 Yes, we know you have

Speaker 11 we know you have caves Tennessee okay

Speaker 5 oh look cave park yeah you're right so they're so there

Speaker 5 so their most beautiful view is actually underground not outside they're like our greatest vista actually don't go outside come back and see

Speaker 11 yes there's like a lot of private tunnels there's a lot of private caves there a lot of private caves you'll be driving on the road and be like come see my private cave and that's did he had

Speaker 11 what a large number of women have bank accounts with us and trans and

Speaker 5 how dare they

Speaker 5 leave it sisters

Speaker 5 is this like an ad on the top of the it's just a little

Speaker 5 headline yeah it might be an ad yeah but it's it's it's it looks like a story imagine if that was the news headline like holy shit a bunch of women got bank accounts here women have money

Speaker 11 but it said with us does that that means written by a bank right or is it stop you there's more it looks it's like a little section where people are just writing in stuff uh and me and now that you say that it looks like they're all writing in like little ads okay yeah okay

Speaker 11 a large number of women have bank accounts with us and transact their own business

Speaker 5 yes wow

Speaker 5 really quite a great time yeah quite a headline

Speaker 11 it would not be wise to open an account for the wife and allow her oh there's a question would it not be wise to open an account for the wife and allow her to pay all the household expenses by check all accounts are welcome here first national bank what is happening They're saying this is literally, they're just like, what about letting your lady have some money to fuck around with?

Speaker 5 Well, it's like, why have one household bank account when you could have two?

Speaker 11 That's right.

Speaker 5 That's what they're saying. Well,

Speaker 5 I love that. Go ahead.
Go ahead. No, go ahead, Zach.
I love that they're not saying, like, let's give women independence. It's basically like, men, you don't want to take care of the household chores.

Speaker 5 Why take care of the accounting side of household chores? Let the lady do that. Let her buy her broom.

Speaker 7 Yeah, she's also buying, she's buying, like, things to service you.

Speaker 7 Let her go get your foods.

Speaker 5 You may even ever touch bleach nor purchase bleach. Let the lady do that.
That's what a woman's for.

Speaker 5 Right.

Speaker 7 She's like the glove if it were a gender.

Speaker 5 But you don't want her around the regular account.

Speaker 5 Right. But do we know the name of this progressive bank?

Speaker 11 First National Bank.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 12 They're still around. They're stuck around.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 5 Yo. Is it? 4.1 out of 5 on Google.
It's still there.

Speaker 5 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 5 On its 135th year, and boy, does it look like it was open 100 years ago? Yeah. Oh, my God.
First National Bank in Tennessee. I would say

Speaker 7 in 10 years, women won't be able to have accounts there.

Speaker 5 I hope so.

Speaker 5 My camera stinks, but just trust me,

Speaker 5 it looks like a 120-year-old bank building.

Speaker 11 That's sort of weird.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 7 They were first.

Speaker 5 4.1 out of 5, though.

Speaker 11 I'm honestly surprised it's not a Taco Bell at this point.

Speaker 5 Don't deposit checks here. They will hold your funds hostage without telling you first.
One star.

Speaker 5 Shit.

Speaker 5 That's not good.

Speaker 11 Yeah, that's someone who was like, hey, I want to open a bank account and here's a $5,000 check.

Speaker 5 And they're like, can I take it out now? No.

Speaker 5 And isn't it great now? It was only 63 years later that women were allowed to apply for credit and loans across the country with the

Speaker 5 Equal Credit Opportunity Act of 1974.

Speaker 11 Well, that didn't go well, by the way.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 11 We shouldn't allow anybody to have credit.

Speaker 7 We'll be taking it back.

Speaker 11 A nice present.

Speaker 11 The Herald will give to the first 18 ladies who bring or send in two subscriptions at 25 cents each, a three-year subscription to Park's Floral Magazine and 10 packages of flower seeds.

Speaker 5 What is this?

Speaker 7 What is happening?

Speaker 5 Commissions? Commissions for selling subscriptions to the newspaper? Is that what that sounds like?

Speaker 11 I think it is, yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah. If you sell three subscriptions, we'll send you a bunch of flowers and a subscription to a flower magazine.

Speaker 7 Top two articles are an ad for a bank and an application to become a newspaper seller for Seed.

Speaker 5 There's a newspaper that has great content like ads for banks. Yeah.

Speaker 11 The best.

Speaker 5 Have you ever found like a penny, like a penny saver and just read like classifieds? Is that what we're going to show?

Speaker 11 That actually might be good.

Speaker 5 Yeah, we'll

Speaker 5 brainstorm we had that idea.

Speaker 7 We had that idea a long time ago, and we're going to do that soon. So don't be like weirded out when you hear us do that on a newer episode.

Speaker 7 And don't think that we just hadn't thought of that and took your idea, but didn't want to give you credit. So we played this moment off like we'd had that idea for a while.

Speaker 7 Yeah, we've been talking about doing that. Dave, we should finally do that because we've been talking about doing that for a long time on this show.

Speaker 7 So yeah, we have talked about doing that and we plan on doing it really soon. Thank you, though.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Those closing.

Speaker 5 God, it wasn't.

Speaker 5 I remember you guys mentioning it at dinner, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we call it Penny Hana.

Speaker 11 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 11 We talk about it a lot, actually.

Speaker 7 We talk about it so much. Dave's wife is fucking pissed at how much we talk about it.

Speaker 11 Yeah, she hates it.

Speaker 5 She's just like, shut up.

Speaker 11 It's a penny saver.

Speaker 7 Yeah, we get it. You're going to do a penny saver episode.
We go, hey, look, we had this good idea a long time ago, and we're going to do it.

Speaker 7 So don't be freaked out if it's an episode you hear pretty soon, is what we said.

Speaker 5 That's right. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Call the lawyer.

Speaker 5 Jesus Christ's date. Call our lawyers.
Get a little shit. Get a lawyer.
Call us.

Speaker 5 Maybe there's an ad for the lawyer in the paper.

Speaker 7 Zach kind of fucked me up here a little bit.

Speaker 11 I mean,

Speaker 11 do you think this allowed they did this on purpose? The first 18 ladies who bring or send in two subscriptions at 25 cents with three years subscriptions. to

Speaker 11 Parks Floral Magazine and 10 pack like is there's so many numbers in the sentence is this this a math question?

Speaker 5 Is this an actual SAT question?

Speaker 11 It's an SAT question.

Speaker 7 They're trying to throw them.

Speaker 5 They don't teach them math yet, do they? Okay, all right. So make numbers.

Speaker 7 You can take advantage of a woman if you say more than five numbers.

Speaker 5 They can't calculate beyond that. It's like a wide 20.

Speaker 5 The women can't multiply three or four digits.

Speaker 7 Six numbers, and they will restart.

Speaker 11 All right, this is a letter

Speaker 11 from Wrightville, Texas.

Speaker 5 Uh-oh.

Speaker 11 Hello, Cookville. I mean, that's just how this is played.

Speaker 11 Let's just play it. When you write a letter to a town, hello, Cookville.

Speaker 11 Hello, Cookville. Give me a...

Speaker 5 I'm going to do that.

Speaker 7 I'm going to write a letter to a city.

Speaker 7 Just address it.

Speaker 5 Just like, New Orleans.

Speaker 5 The modern equivalent is like Republicans of Reddit. How do you feel about this? Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Speaker 7 Dear New Orleans,

Speaker 5 love Carrie.

Speaker 11 Give me Buffalo Valley, please. Wow.
As I, yeah. He wants another place.

Speaker 7 He wants a city?

Speaker 5 Can we have this, please? Hello. Hello, Columbus.

Speaker 7 I'm interested in Cincinnati.

Speaker 5 Can that be hooked up?

Speaker 5 That seems like a letter that we've written when we were colonizing, and just, you know, someone just chooses a state, and they're like, dear Native Americans that live there, can I send you two newspaper subscriptions in exchange for your land?

Speaker 7 I'm interested in owning that, and I will, Bob.

Speaker 5 All right. Well, Buffalo Valley is a town of what appears to be maybe one building.
Okay. And

Speaker 5 Wikipedia says could be described as a ghost town.

Speaker 5 Whatever the plan was, it didn't work out. Yeah, right.
That guy was like, well, it's a lot of work. What do you mean, plumbing? Oh, my God.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Apparently, people often ask, is the massacre at Buffalo Valley a true story? That's

Speaker 5 prompted.

Speaker 5 Well, that's

Speaker 5 come and take it.

Speaker 5 The guy told us in the paper he's going to do it.

Speaker 11 That'll make a place a ghost town.

Speaker 5 Wait, what else did he want? What were on his other Buffalo Valley demands?

Speaker 11 Give me Buffalo Valley, please, as I read so many letters from Putnam County and no news from Buffalo Valley boys. Oh, he

Speaker 5 just wants news.

Speaker 5 That's not the implication that we thought. See, you got to read more than the first sentence of our news people.
This is crazy.

Speaker 7 This show will not happen that way, man. Okay.

Speaker 11 He's doing like a riddle now. Do you know me?

Speaker 11 Of course you do. I bought a ticket on October 8th, 1892 for fake Texas.

Speaker 5 For fake. For fake Texas? Fate.

Speaker 7 Okay, damn it. I wanted it.

Speaker 5 Do you not remember me? I bought a bus ticket there 18 years ago, and I wish you told me more about your town.

Speaker 5 This is like someone stalking a town.

Speaker 5 This is like I went on, I was inside you, town, and I would like to hear back from you.

Speaker 7 Well, have you never been on City Tinder? It's awesome.

Speaker 5 You just keep swiping, and sometimes the city matches with you.

Speaker 5 Oh, I just, oh my God, it's awesome. I just matched with Dubuque.

Speaker 5 Oh, the rush. I'm sure on tour, you guys have the people come up to you and they're like, do you remember when we met You know, 10 years ago when you were in this city?

Speaker 7 We also get the people who are very aware and will go, you probably don't remember this, but I gave you a dollar. And we're like, I have no recollection.

Speaker 5 Exactly. Anyway.

Speaker 5 Very healthy understanding. I don't remember that.

Speaker 11 This writer is JL or John Bain, the son of Jim Bain, has been married eight years and have two children.

Speaker 11 One girl, seven years, one boy, boy three years, one little boy dead.

Speaker 5 And the best one.

Speaker 7 And by the way, that took a real weird turn.

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 7 Keep your dead off your update. We're good.

Speaker 5 Is this not, is this we're here to help? Are we on a different show now?

Speaker 5 Okay. All right, so the kids, the kids gone, yes.

Speaker 11 My three younger brothers are all men now. My father is not getting rich, but has good stock and some money and lives.
And this guy is this.

Speaker 7 I will trade my dad for part of your town

Speaker 11 this is what happens when you when you run across an old person that doesn't talk to people very often just yes i also have a lot of straw to do stuff with

Speaker 5 also could someone come by and help me set up my computer i mean it's a little early but that's no

Speaker 7 if you sit in silence long enough wood screams

Speaker 7 have you ever noticed that yeah yeah any building has it a wood will start yelling for help, dude, and I can't do much.

Speaker 5 My best friend is this old rusty door hinge that talks to me when I open it.

Speaker 7 They recommend a toothbrush, but your finger does it better. That's why God gave you a bunch of them.

Speaker 11 Hey, Jimmy, it's time for your bath.

Speaker 7 I can't take a bath. My skin rejected water.
That's why all I can drink is tea.

Speaker 7 I'm sitting on the chair again.

Speaker 5 Okay. Okay, good.

Speaker 11 Thank you for talking uh

Speaker 11 good that's uh you died right um

Speaker 7 that bad this guy

Speaker 5 this guy was still going though right

Speaker 5 yeah this guy is still going i think this is why it's bad to be the first settler in a place and if it's a place no one wants like this person has 500 acres and no one else moved in and they're just no one wants it no one's my dream

Speaker 7 this is my dream just to have my own shining like what happens when you experience the shining with no one else?

Speaker 5 So, you end up with, you end up being,

Speaker 5 what's his name? Kill Dozer. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 7 You mean a hero?

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 11 I have never forgotten my old school days at Denny's Seminary in Buffalo Valley, and when I refer back, I can see the dear old girls and boys that I spent my happy school days with.

Speaker 11 If God is willing, my father and I will step off at Buffalo Valley inside of two years. I would like to gaze upon the hills of old Tennessee once more as I love the dear old state.

Speaker 11 Sid Anderson, do you remember the time in the gate we used to go to? Those days are past and gone. Eight years ago, I sowed my last wild oats.

Speaker 11 I settled down for I'm trying to make a living for a wife and two babies. John L.

Speaker 5 Bale.

Speaker 5 Just letting you know, I'm going to be there in two years' time.

Speaker 5 This whole 800-word shit is: I'm coming to town.

Speaker 5 How is it over there? In 1913,

Speaker 5 I'll be arriving.

Speaker 5 Will the hills still be there? I'd like to look at the hills.

Speaker 5 I want to have a look at the hills.

Speaker 7 Since I started planning, another boy died.

Speaker 5 And

Speaker 5 despite your voices, this guy was like 27.

Speaker 5 Dude, I'm going to be there in two years. Is this going to be sick? I don't think you're looking awesome.

Speaker 5 He sounded like Dave. He's just that he looks like 27.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 5 That's awesome. He's never making it back.
He's dying of

Speaker 5 typhoid or

Speaker 5 I don't know if it's an accent.

Speaker 5 1911, Tennessee. Gareth, what would accent? Is that just heavy Tennessee? Is that still going to be British or something? There are something along these lines.

Speaker 5 I'm excited to come visit.

Speaker 7 Got to be careful.

Speaker 7 I jacked off and then nailed my hand to my walking chair.

Speaker 11 No, don't. Actually, don't.

Speaker 5 Why Rick leaves?

Speaker 5 Let the circle keep it old 2000. I'm an old 20s.

Speaker 7 It's called Self-Stigmata.

Speaker 11 I mean, this is another one that's just okay, so it's a bunch of

Speaker 12 factoids.

Speaker 11 Well, this lady is sending, it's a letter from, she's like sending news of what's happening in Great Bend, Texas.

Speaker 11 The weather in general has been very good.

Speaker 7 Hotels with a city is super weird.

Speaker 5 From other states, too. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 11 There's a bunch of these.

Speaker 7 Here's an update.

Speaker 11 The weather in general has been very good. The wheat crop looks slim this time, but the farmers will make it up with corn.

Speaker 11 I guess some of the people around Baxter, Tennessee are wondering when they will see me again. I will visit in three or four years.

Speaker 7 Oh, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 5 Imagine you parent this by then. Imagine being sadder than the first letter.

Speaker 5 It's like they're cheating on their own city. Yeah.
They're just

Speaker 5 lusting for another town they might visit.

Speaker 5 Don't tell Stephen and I'll be there in three years.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Scarlet fever is bad at this writing.

Speaker 11 The little daughter of W. L.
Gentry's is very sick with measles. Oh my god.

Speaker 5 A man named RFK Jr. said if I eat an apple, it'll cure it.
And that if I work hard and lift some weights and kill a whale, I'll be fine. Please send a whale.
I'm in a land locked town.

Speaker 7 The goal is to get a worm living in your head like that one guy from Men in Black.

Speaker 5 You eat the apple, which has the worm in it. The worm is in your brain.
Medicine.

Speaker 7 You've got to entice the worm to get into your brain to fix it. Shut down the measles part.

Speaker 11 Emma Gentry went fishing the other day and caught one fish. Don't you wish you could do that well?

Speaker 7 It's so funny to imagine the mailman showing up and being like, ma'am, on behalf of that city, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 11 Yeah, please stop

Speaker 5 letters.

Speaker 7 What are you doing?

Speaker 5 Did she just talk shit to a city and ask if that city can fish as well as the guy in her town? Like, whoa, can you fish? Like, my guy can fish? Hold me back. You got LeBron.
You can't even.

Speaker 5 Can you fish like LeBron? Hold me back.

Speaker 5 Great Bend seems like it has been reduced to about a hundred-yard-long dead-end street in a sad-looking suburb of San Antonio.

Speaker 11 Well, because they were all bored to death by this woman. And

Speaker 5 where you

Speaker 5 starvation while finishing this conversation.

Speaker 7 Why is your dirt a modicum drier than the one I saw in the last hound?

Speaker 5 Ma'am, ma'am, I can't talk to you anymore about this. I have to go to the coal mine.
I can't get distracted. Walk me.
No, no.

Speaker 7 How come when I throw grass in the air here, it doesn't blow in the same direction as the last house?

Speaker 5 I'm moving. I'm going west.
I'm going to go to Nevada.

Speaker 7 Why do they call it pigeon-toed? They don't seem to have angles that bad.

Speaker 5 Mom, I don't care. How come a cone has a big, how come a cone has a big dip in it?

Speaker 7 And if a tree falls, we call it a pine cone. It can be called a mini pine tree.

Speaker 5 It's just her and a tumbleweed. That's her friend.

Speaker 7 How come it's tumbleweed? It really is more of a rolling weed, if you ask me.

Speaker 5 Oh, man.

Speaker 5 Tell you what, you ever hit a tumbleweed in a car, it will do some damage. Yeah, it really does.
Is that true?

Speaker 7 Yes, it's shocking. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 5 Some of them are like made of trees. Dude, sometimes, sometimes

Speaker 7 I've seen them and I've been like fully like, oh, shit, that's like a day-ender.

Speaker 5 But when they're smaller, if I hit them, I feel like it's a power-up, like in Mario, and I'm like, it's a coin. Yes.

Speaker 5 Both can be true. Both can be true.
Yeah.

Speaker 11 Is there a noise when you hit it?

Speaker 5 It's like, boop, boop, boop. Little.

Speaker 5 Yeah. It's like, yeah, it's like a, like a, like a flam.
Is that the term on a snare drum? Like,

Speaker 5 it's that, but with trees exploding on your. I'm pretty sure that's right.
Pretty sure that's a word. Sure.
I think it's a word.

Speaker 11 The final thing is: the peach crop is all killed, but we will have some apples if Jack Frost doesn't come again.

Speaker 5 Oh, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 7 Name-dropping Jack Frost like it's a person.

Speaker 5 You know, Jack Frost came over and I sucked his dick.

Speaker 5 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 5 His carrot is awful nice when you're 69.

Speaker 5 Be careful.

Speaker 5 He keeps bringing me pineapple shades. I don't know why he wants wants me to flat this fucking thing.
I don't know what he's up to.

Speaker 7 Holy shit, I just finished writing the letter and my town's gone.

Speaker 5 So we're like halfway down the page and nothing has happened in this fucking town.

Speaker 5 We learned about Texas and we've gotten advertising. Like, what is happening in this town? Very little.
Nothing. Just very little.
Nothing. All right, now that that's settled, thank you.

Speaker 5 Okay, I'll go home. I'll go home.
No, no, you are home. Stay home.
Nothing.

Speaker 11 Gareth, you've been using a wallet for a while now. And why don't you tell the people what that wallet is?

Speaker 7 Well, I, for a while, went with like a money clip, and it just wasn't, it wasn't working out. And someone recommended the Ridge wallet to me probably about two years ago, and I've never looked back.

Speaker 7 It is the easiest, looks good.

Speaker 7 Basically, it just holds all your credit cards, your IDs with a little cushiony inside. It's got a little band on the outside for cash if you're carrying that.
I don't know who carries cash anymore.

Speaker 7 It's the best.

Speaker 7 The second that Ridge wanted to work with us, I was like, I love their stuff. And now they have a slick keychain, too.
So Ridge, to me, is just one of the best.

Speaker 11 Yeah, they do have a really cool keychain.

Speaker 11 They just sent us one, and I was like, ooh,

Speaker 11 it's very,

Speaker 11 the whole thing is very slim, unique looking, modern design. It's like a metallic design, aluminum, titanium, and carbon fiber.
Those are all very good materials.

Speaker 7 Yeah, I only use carbon fiber.

Speaker 11 Yeah, I mean, I'm a big carbon fiber guy. They got tons of colors,

Speaker 11 50-plus colors and styles, and then a lifetime warranty.

Speaker 7 Also, I was showing it off to my nephew, and he was like, I have a ridge as well.

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Fascinating.

Speaker 11 I've seen people with them, and I've always wondered what it was. And now I have one.
They got over 100,000 five-star reviews. So people like it.

Speaker 11 And also, I like that I can keep it in my front pocket.

Speaker 11 And I was before using, I have a big thick leather thing.

Speaker 7 See, that's what we got to get out of it. It's too much.

Speaker 7 Like, Ridge is like, Ridge is like coming in and it's like an efficiency coach. It's just like, look, what do you actually need? And you're like, Ridge, you just know me so well, Ridge.

Speaker 11 Ridge has free shipping, a 99-day risk-free trial and a lifetime warranty on all their products.

Speaker 11 So for a limited time, our listeners get 10% off at Ridge by using code code pastimes at checkout just head to ridge.com and use code pastimes and you're all set after you purchase they will ask you where you heard about them please support our show and tell them our show sent you the pastimes podcast yeah and furniture and furniture movers yes people don't know that about us no we do a ton of that stuff Hey guys, it's Kamal Nanjiani.

Speaker 2 My new stand-up special, Night Thoughts, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 3 I promise you're going to laugh.

Speaker 4 I am an immigrant.

Speaker 6 Are there any other immigrants here?

Speaker 7 Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else.

Speaker 2 My thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers.

Speaker 1 Terms apply. That wasn't my call.
If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call.

Speaker 6 Terms apply.

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Speaker 11 Still in session. The 75 days of session for which pay is allowed members of the legislature.

Speaker 11 Both houses are holding daily sessions without pay, and the Democratic members propose to do so until the next General Assembly meets, unless the fugitive members return and allow business to to proceed.

Speaker 5 So Congress is in session, but they're unpaid.

Speaker 7 It's three months ago.

Speaker 11 They can't officially hold a session because

Speaker 11 a bunch of them have fled.

Speaker 5 They don't have quorum and they're calling them fugitives, which is awesome. And people should do that more often.
Maybe.

Speaker 7 Imagine our Congress not getting paid for a moment of time.

Speaker 5 Oh, my God.

Speaker 11 In the meantime, most of the state institutions cannot draw any money nor salaries paid. Oh, so everything's fucked up.

Speaker 5 Government freeze.

Speaker 5 Shut it down. Shut it down.

Speaker 11 A pretty mess these men have made by their unwise, if not illegal, piece of politics in fleeing from the state like criminals, and on them rests all blame for present conditions.

Speaker 5 Yeah, ran away to shut the government down.

Speaker 5 I wonder if any, if there's a lesson to be learned from that. Nope.
Nope.

Speaker 5 It's a good thing we never did that again. Yeah.

Speaker 5 That proved to be a toothless tactic. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 11 That happened all the time back then.

Speaker 5 Like that happened all the fucking time. It's better.
Well, it took like seven years to get a hold of somebody. I'm not surprised it didn't happen by accident.

Speaker 7 That's Musk's new that's the new Musk game plan, so don't worry about that.

Speaker 11 Have you ever driven? Have you guys ever driven a Cybertruck?

Speaker 5 Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 11 And is it, is it ridiculous? Is it

Speaker 5 bad? I mean, it's mostly bad.

Speaker 5 I mean, it mostly just drives like any electric car,

Speaker 5 but it's just built so badly that you can't get past that.

Speaker 7 Is it true you get a hemorrhoid if you sit in the seat?

Speaker 5 So the other day, I did something for the first time, which is I... I thumbs down somebody in a parking lot

Speaker 5 as they were look, because I'm driving an orange Bentley, and so everybody's looking at me.

Speaker 5 And a guy in a Cybertruck with that dark MAGA hat, the black MAGA hat, looks over at me. And I did the slow and

Speaker 5 for a moment, I was

Speaker 5 aroused. And it was just an incredible thing because, you know, because it's, it was, it's, it, it was the confusion that I generated in this person.

Speaker 5 They were so confused because when you're in an Orange Bentley, you are someone of status.

Speaker 5 You're not just rich, you're like

Speaker 5 disgustingly, you're the person that that person thinks they're going to be, even though they're never going to be that person. And so when you disapprove, it's like,

Speaker 5 yeah.

Speaker 5 And then a panel falls off their cyber truck.

Speaker 7 Very true.

Speaker 5 That's happening quite easily.

Speaker 5 And Wind will do that. That's so great.
I love that.

Speaker 5 The Cybertruck is, it drives like a car, but it looks sort of like a tough truck, which it's not because they have a lot of problems off-roading and they have a toe hitch issue.

Speaker 5 And it's also not as good at being a normal pickup truck. So basically, you have a very strange-looking car that's very sharp on the outside, genuinely.

Speaker 5 And we shaved a cucumber with the inside of the door because it was. Oh, yeah, we did.
Yeah. Are you kidding? I'm not kidding.

Speaker 5 You can make a salad from scratch with no other tools if you have a cyber truck. Well, that's an advantage.
Now that I've

Speaker 5 Most cars don't have that.

Speaker 5 That was a selling thing.

Speaker 5 Yeah, he could have marketed it with that and not been lying, unlike everything else he said about it.

Speaker 5 So,

Speaker 5 most doors have rubber stripping, right? But

Speaker 5 our door is sharp, so you can use it as a knife if you need to.

Speaker 5 But also, it's a lot more efficient that way. So,

Speaker 5 rocket blood.

Speaker 5 Oh, it's so great. It's really great.

Speaker 11 I mean, one of the best videos ever is when he throws that wave out the window and it cracks. Like, it's just like,

Speaker 5 that's just Elon Musk.

Speaker 11 It's just him. That's him in a nutshell.
None of it works.

Speaker 5 Yeah,

Speaker 5 it's all bad. Everything about it is bad.
It's really bad. Yeah.

Speaker 11 Well, at least he's taking over all of the government's computers because they'll eventually own money.

Speaker 7 When I saw the cyber truck, I thought, well, what if that was Social Security?

Speaker 5 It's good to have that.

Speaker 5 Yes. Yes, an illusion of function.
Yeah, that is actually quite bad.

Speaker 5 No, it's like it's bad at truck shit, but if someone said, you know, hey, hey, hey, Grock, design me a vehicle that's optimized for running over protesters

Speaker 5 and being very difficult to identify from any other model, any other example of this same vehicle later.

Speaker 5 What would that vehicle look like?

Speaker 5 Make the front like razor blades, please. It is Agent Smith from The Matrix.
It just multiplies itself and it's killed unidentifiably. Which one is the real one? I don't know.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 No DeLorean lessons were learned when designing or building the fucking Cybertruck. None.
This has all happened beat for beat exactly the same 40 years ago. It's exactly the same.

Speaker 11 I mean, and hopefully he has to do a cocaine deal to save his life.

Speaker 5 That would be awesome.

Speaker 5 If we tank to sock enough, you guys, he's going to start moving the duffel shuffle.

Speaker 11 It's kind of, man. The 22nd is the big day.

Speaker 7 Which will be two days after Marshall O'Connell.

Speaker 5 If he starts flying rockets from like Van, was it Vandenberg just to Colombia and landing over there, then we're going to know that something's up to him? I don't know where

Speaker 5 a rocket has crashed-landed off the coast of Colombia.

Speaker 5 Do we have more news, or is this just the rest of the show? Because I'm having fun. I'm in.

Speaker 11 Guy Bohannon killed.

Speaker 7 Oh, good.

Speaker 5 Andy Hargett by Cybertruck. What? Yeah, by the the picture.

Speaker 11 Andy Hargett shot and killed Guy Bohannon last night about sundown. The shooting was done with a shotgun and followed a dispute about a small sum said to be due

Speaker 11 Bohannon

Speaker 5 to the guy who

Speaker 5 buford tannin over the matter of $80.

Speaker 5 That's what I just heard right now.

Speaker 7 Time traveling Cybertruck.

Speaker 11 The tragedy occurred near the home of Hargett on the premises of his father a few miles east of Cookville. No arrests have been made.

Speaker 5 Deputy Shaw.

Speaker 5 He knows who did it.

Speaker 5 He shot

Speaker 5 him.

Speaker 11 The guy who owed him money shot the guy. Well, now he doesn't have to pay the money.

Speaker 5 Oh,

Speaker 5 that's like a second mortgage. No, what's it called? When you refinance reversal, yeah, refinance.

Speaker 5 Exactly.

Speaker 5 That's student loan forgiveness, essentially. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 5 Ben Affleck is the accountant too, refinanced.

Speaker 11 Deputy College. Who's the accountant?

Speaker 5 Ben Affleck was the accountant. Then I got another one.

Speaker 5 They are? Oh, there is an accountant, too.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I don't know what that is. I don't know anything.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 7 But it's called rebate.

Speaker 5 No, okay.

Speaker 5 If I got that close on a random guess, like, wow, okay.

Speaker 5 Hollywood is predictable. 1099.

Speaker 11 Deputy Sheriff Miller visited the scene of the shooting and picked up a gun wad that was covered with blood.

Speaker 5 Yeah. What's a gun wad?

Speaker 7 Well,

Speaker 5 I'll answer. So

Speaker 5 over

Speaker 7 too much, and then the discharge is sort of,

Speaker 5 yeah.

Speaker 5 Some people get excited. You get really excited, you know,

Speaker 5 a gun wad. Yeah.

Speaker 5 So if the shooting is great,

Speaker 5 it's inside of a shotgun shell.

Speaker 11 If the shooting is really good, you also blow your wad.

Speaker 5 Yeah, right. Correct.
Yes. It's definitely the case.

Speaker 11 Okay, so what if something else comes out of a shotgun besides the...

Speaker 5 if you really believe in the Second Amendment, like really strongly,

Speaker 5 then you orgasm. But if you don't orgasm when you fire your weapon, you're not a real patriot and you should work.
It's called written housing. Yeah.

Speaker 7 The NRA waives the membership fee.

Speaker 7 If you can fire a gun at home, then the NRA is like, you're in. Yeah.

Speaker 5 If you can show us your G is, then we'll waive this fee. But if you don't show us the G is only inside of your pants, that's $28.

Speaker 7 Well, some shooting ranges have the targets you're shooting at, and then they have what's called a pants target that they put right under you. And if you can,

Speaker 7 if you can hit that one too, you're damned.

Speaker 5 It's like a baseball park urinal, sort of. Yeah, exactly.
It also has little pictures of terrorists on the inside. Yep, sure.

Speaker 7 Yep.

Speaker 5 Shotgun shells have a thing in them. There's like powder, and then there's the pellets, and then there's a thing of like cotton or wool or some kind of fabric that's called the wad, and it comes out.

Speaker 5 If it was covered in blood, like it would have come out and then landed in a pool of blood. Like, it would have been like a, like, an alley oop, pretty much.
Oh, okay. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Like a double, like a two-for-one.

Speaker 5 It means the guy was close because it's funny is, you know, the shell, the, the BBs go very far, and then the wad follows up like a, like a tissue being thrown at somebody, or like a handkerchief when a woman's going away on a ship, and it's like, remember me.

Speaker 11 That's exactly how they that's how they describe it in a gun training class.

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 We call it the remember me. Ah, boss.
Now remember. You see,

Speaker 5 when you take down the intruder, they go down the wad. It lands right on their schnaz and you go, remember me.
Like a kerchief from a forlorn lover on a ship that's about to deport.

Speaker 5 The joke really changes with a voice. Yeah, it does.

Speaker 5 Very uncomfortable at that point.

Speaker 11 It actually says right here, showing that the men were close together.

Speaker 5 So there you go. Oh,

Speaker 5 Zach's analysis, forensic analysis. Pretty good, yes.
Take the glasses off. They were standing close together.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 I just love that they

Speaker 11 just love that they know who shot them. They know why.
They have

Speaker 5 the

Speaker 11 whatever, the wad. They got all the evidence.
And then they're like, no, Russ.

Speaker 5 I wonder if any parallels can be drawn to anything today. Nope.

Speaker 5 No.

Speaker 5 Imagine how easy, though. Back then, like, the person who shot him could just go to the town where that one lady lives, and he could be her new only neighbor.

Speaker 5 And no one would find him. Nope.

Speaker 5 Or just people, like, if you ever listen to a show called The Dollop, people change their name like every six months, and that is a foolpooth way. And it's a foolproof way to to do crimes.

Speaker 5 Fucking crazy.

Speaker 7 Are you Jack Honda?

Speaker 5 No, my name's Randy

Speaker 5 Han.

Speaker 5 Have a good day. Sorry about that.
Like they just cross out their own name on their license. They go, no, no, no.
Now it's

Speaker 5 Steve Wilson.

Speaker 7 Now he's got the paperwork. Sorry, Mr.
Wilson. Have a good day.

Speaker 5 And then they would like get elected sheriff.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 11 Just arrived. It was said that in the days days of the Roman Empire, all roads led to Rome.
Cookville seems to be similarly situated.

Speaker 5 No.

Speaker 7 No.

Speaker 5 We're just like Rome.

Speaker 7 It's like

Speaker 7 one of my best buddies at Boston lives in this town called Revere.

Speaker 7 And like, just fucking animals, these people.

Speaker 5 Just absolute monsters.

Speaker 7 And he moved to LA. We were like doing comedy together.
And we were at the gym one day, and one guy had a sweater on that said Revere. We'd been to the gym 40 times, never seen it.

Speaker 7 And he goes up to the guy, says he comes back to me, goes, It's just me or does it seem like everyone out here knows Revere? And I was like, Nobody does. Nobody knows Revere.

Speaker 5 One guy has a sweater, and

Speaker 5 you're just exploding that into a bunch of bullshit.

Speaker 7 He's like, All right,

Speaker 5 leave it be.

Speaker 5 That's the clearest example of recency bias I've ever heard in my entire life.

Speaker 7 Everyone knows Revere. Also, the same guy one time he said, he goes,

Speaker 7 Revere, he almost wanted, he told me later he wanted to throw this guy out of a window. He was a buddy of ours, and he was raised in,

Speaker 7 he was raised in China, this buddy. And so my friend goes, Revere has the best Chinese food in the world.
And my friend goes, I've eaten Lo Main on the Great Wall of China.

Speaker 5 And my buddy was so red-hot mad inside.

Speaker 5 He's like, how dare he?

Speaker 5 Are you saying that China has better Chinese food than fucking Revere? Are you saying that?

Speaker 7 Furious that he was like, so you think China's got better Chinese food than where I'm from, huh?

Speaker 5 In America. You started it, Revere perfected it, all right?

Speaker 5 And then he calls him a slur and burns down his fucking Haga Civic.

Speaker 5 In fairness to the author of this particular proclamation, I-40

Speaker 5 does go through this town now. And so technically, 30 years later, the interstate system would link all roads to this town.
So not wrong if we want to be

Speaker 5 extremely pedantic and technical.

Speaker 5 It's not like Rome.

Speaker 5 I would add

Speaker 5 Rome has a population of. I'm not excited there.

Speaker 5 Rome has a population of 2.7 million, and Cookville is 36,000. So

Speaker 5 it is the Rome of the United States. Very similar.
Okay.

Speaker 11 yeah.

Speaker 11 Strangers frequently,

Speaker 11 sorry, strangers frequently find their way to this city. The latest arrival is a young lady who made her appearance in this place Sunday morning, April 30th at 9 a.m.

Speaker 5 Uh-oh.

Speaker 11 She is stopping at the home of the newly elected mayor of this city, John Dowell, and may be an applicant for the position of stenographer and typewriter for the new

Speaker 5 mayor.

Speaker 11 She is not inclined to be very social and will not make her debut in society for some time. Those who desire to make her acquaintance can do by calling at the above home.

Speaker 11 He can have the pleasure of an introduction to this young lady who weighs 10 pounds.

Speaker 5 What the fuck? What the

Speaker 7 fuck just happened? What?

Speaker 5 It's got to be a dog. It's got to be a dog.
Oh, my fucking god, I know.

Speaker 5 Hey!

Speaker 5 Hey,

Speaker 5 hey! Wait,

Speaker 7 she lives in apartment.

Speaker 5 Is there a number missing or

Speaker 5 are we talking about a dog?

Speaker 11 I mean, it's got to be, why else should they put in their weight? It's got to be a dog.

Speaker 5 But wait, but this woman was applying to be the stenographer for the mayor? Is that

Speaker 5 a dog situation?

Speaker 5 A stenographer?

Speaker 5 I think this is... You guys did an episode about a talking dog six fucking days ago.

Speaker 5 That was a long time ago, Matt.

Speaker 5 It was a long time ago.

Speaker 5 We have two shows.

Speaker 5 It's a long time ago i think i think we're seeing written proof of the first cat fishing that happened in the early 1900s and this is a guy that's like uh i i'm a hot lady i'm gonna apply for this job but i'm not revealing myself to the world yet and then he's like what do women weigh i weigh 10 pounds sure no clue what a woman is how much do i weigh

Speaker 5 10 10 pounds exactly

Speaker 5 could this be their way talk to me through the door i can't open it oh no no no i'm just putting the makeup all over my tits. Just put your thing through the hole.
There we go.

Speaker 11 Could this be that

Speaker 11 they had a baby? Is this the baby announcement?

Speaker 5 And he already has a he's already applying for a job for the baby? He's a baby stenographer.

Speaker 5 I'll call Pixar. Yeah, there you go.
There's like three things in this that don't go together. Like you have to pick two.
You can't actually. It is a riddle.
Three. It is a riddle.

Speaker 5 Are you sure there's not a typo or in the weight because the lady was a riddle

Speaker 11 like because it all leads to there and then i i genuinely think that that's like the thing to go oh makes people go oh he was a skydiver and he forgot his parachute

Speaker 5 is it

Speaker 7 i i don't know i got the it's a dog or a baby but what's the difference it maybe is uh a lady's hand

Speaker 5 it could be a lady's hand it's just just the hand it's just a lady's hand.

Speaker 5 It's like thing.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Yeah, I'm pitching thing.

Speaker 5 Maybe someone's writing a letter to try to get help, like they're being held hostage, and they're using a code, but it's so convoluted that no one comes to help them.

Speaker 11 Hi, I weigh 10 pounds.

Speaker 5 Can I vote for the court?

Speaker 5 What are you writing?

Speaker 5 Nothing, nothing.

Speaker 5 I'm not dealing with the chains at all.

Speaker 5 Just writing this letter about being 10 pounds and a stenographer.

Speaker 5 Inside, she's like, I hope

Speaker 5 I can't write in the letter that I live at 246 Smith Street because that's too obvious and he'll kill me. So I'll just put, I weigh 10 pounds and I'm a stenographer.

Speaker 5 And if you want to date me, here's where you should call.

Speaker 5 Forcefully.

Speaker 5 I live in a dresser drawer. Forcefully.

Speaker 11 Queer-looking worms.

Speaker 5 Oh my god.

Speaker 5 New line? New line. Query looking worms.
Okay,

Speaker 5 another worm.

Speaker 11 It'd be great if that was

Speaker 5 the next line in this story.

Speaker 5 Another bank account. Queer-looking worms have accounts at five of our branches.

Speaker 7 I'll tell you, I think First National is going to go under soon.

Speaker 5 They've got to woke.

Speaker 5 Info Whores Bank.

Speaker 5 They got a bunch of these queer-looking worms worms that are opening savings accounts right now. This is part of the new world order.
This is part of the global financial system to collapse right now.

Speaker 5 They got these queer-looking worms. Whoa.

Speaker 11 New Zealand, Australia, the Samoan, and the Solomon Islands, as well as portions of the Hawaiian group, are the homes of various species of worms.

Speaker 11 with thick, heavy bodies and with a well-defined neck.

Speaker 10 There's no neck in a worm?

Speaker 5 Sure, there is. Is it all neck? Or is there no neck?

Speaker 7 Whoa, that's fucking tree falling in the woods shit right there.

Speaker 5 Holy shit.

Speaker 5 Holy shit, Zach. That's some fucking knowledge.

Speaker 5 Confucius says,

Speaker 11 yeah, that's Mike. It's Mike Drop shit.

Speaker 5 I'm going to bring that up.

Speaker 7 I'm going to mention that at some point to someone. And they're all neck, actually.

Speaker 5 Who is this guy? Oh, me? I'm new to town.

Speaker 5 I wrote a letter a couple years ago about visiting you don't remember i told you i was gonna be here i'm the guy that asked if the mountains were still here i just want to make sure the mountains were still here

Speaker 7 yeah uh no worms don't have a neck because they're only neck

Speaker 5 it's schrdinger's neck

Speaker 5 It's not a neck until you admit or you acknowledge it's all neck, and then you're like, well, now it's definitely neck.

Speaker 7 He got neck pills.

Speaker 5 uh

Speaker 5 liberal media wants you to think that the worm is a body but it's a neck it's all neck it's all neck

Speaker 5 oh shit

Speaker 5 i thought i was i forgot i was in the podcast for a second i was just listening that was five seconds

Speaker 11 the homes of various species of worms with thick heavy bodies and with a well-defined neck connecting the body with a head that is startlingly reminded

Speaker 11 is a startling reminder of that of a monkey what the fuck who is

Speaker 5 monkey worms they call it the monkey worm

Speaker 5 they're an invasive species we have to get rid of them all of them send them to el salvador

Speaker 7 I don't even remember what the fuck. What was the headline on this psychotic?

Speaker 11 Queer looking worms. I mean, they are right.
It's a fucking crazy looking worm.

Speaker 5 With the face of a monkey?

Speaker 11 Yeah, it's a monkey worm.

Speaker 5 Did they not know what monkeys look like?

Speaker 7 That might be part of it. Hopefully, that's the only issue.

Speaker 5 Oh, man. I thought I found the monkey worm.
It doesn't really seem to exist.

Speaker 5 We have the name here.

Speaker 11 In the Sandwich Islands, they are called the

Speaker 11 Metaluki worm, which means creeper with a child's head.

Speaker 7 And that might be the 10-pound lady.

Speaker 11 Okay, I'm going to look it up. Oh, yeah.
Oh, it's a centipede.

Speaker 5 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 5 Yeah,

Speaker 5 it's just the regular worm.

Speaker 5 It's not that cool. I guess when all worms look so similar, any tiny difference, they just, they extrapolate it too far because they're just bored and they're just studying worms the whole time.

Speaker 5 They go, well, that one really looks like a face.

Speaker 7 No, no worm is that. Yeah, right.

Speaker 5 Do you guys know how anyone came up with constellations? Like, what level of boredom and weird substance abuse leads to constellations?

Speaker 5 Who's this guy?

Speaker 7 He's the same neck worm guy.

Speaker 5 You see the three dots next to the other five trillion dots? Those three are a belt.

Speaker 7 That's why that one I'm going with Little Dipper, because it's a little smaller than the bigger one. You didn't say that before.
Now I did. You making this up on the spot? No.

Speaker 5 just like my classified ad show. What?

Speaker 5 No,

Speaker 5 mad.

Speaker 5 We've already recorded the

Speaker 5 record the show. We've already recorded that one.
We're going to release this afternoon in the studio with the lawyer. Let's go.

Speaker 7 We're going to release it in a little bit, but we've already recorded it. And it was a good idea.
Not that it's a bad idea. It's just one of those parallel thought things.
That's what Amy Schoener is.

Speaker 5 Isn't the animated show premiering on Netflix soon?

Speaker 5 Yep, it is. Yep.
Yep. Yeah.
Yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 5 It looks really good. It's gonna be great.
Yeah, that was close. Okay,

Speaker 11 the end of this is

Speaker 11 an old New Zealand legend says that at one time they were of immense proportions and threatened the extinction of all human life on the island. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 5 The worms did?

Speaker 7 Giant worm. The centimeter.
It's a huge worm.

Speaker 5 Yeah. No neck.

Speaker 11 It's a big monkey worm.

Speaker 5 The monkey worm.

Speaker 7 No neck.

Speaker 5 No neck. It's just a Hulk.

Speaker 5 We call it a Hulk Hogan worm.

Speaker 5 It's

Speaker 5 the Hogan worm. Is that

Speaker 5 Hulkamania?

Speaker 7 I saw that if you Google Hogan worm, something else comes up, just so you know.

Speaker 5 Oh, yes.

Speaker 5 Yikes. Is New Zealand so,

Speaker 5 like, such a paradise that the only danger they ever had was like a worm? They're like, that almost took out the whole island. That was probably real close.

Speaker 7 Like, pretty close to reality, honestly.

Speaker 11 Yeah, it's true. They're very lucky.
It's true. I'm saying.

Speaker 5 Yeah, it's like a paradise, but I mean, it's amazing. I don't think they have all the predators and things like Australia does and all the snakes.
So

Speaker 5 the worm almost destroy the entire society. Also that.

Speaker 7 Yeah. Peter Dunn's coming.

Speaker 5 I think I need to know about the number of worms it would take to decimate the population. If it's one, that's far more interesting than if it's...
millions and millions.

Speaker 11 How great would it be, though, if there was a worm that had killed everybody on New Zealand and now it was just down there and everyone's like, I don't know how to deal with this thing?

Speaker 7 That'd be awesome. We can't even go there.

Speaker 5 It's just the worm and Peter Thial left.

Speaker 5 Peter Thial's just sucking juice

Speaker 5 out of it.

Speaker 5 Peter Teal's just sucking whatever juice he can out of it. Peter, no.

Speaker 5 I'm 15 again. Peter.
I could do an IV of this.

Speaker 5 He's just putting jammed beans in an IV.

Speaker 7 Peter, that's jamming up your veins pretty pretty good there.

Speaker 5 We could just send our national bass fishing league down there, and they'd be like, we can fix this. They just start hooking all the words.

Speaker 5 Just so many

Speaker 5 flaky boats and hooks. Let's go.

Speaker 7 It's like Dunkirk.

Speaker 5 Exactly.

Speaker 5 Dunkirk, but with bass boats. And for monkey worms.

Speaker 11 i mean there has to be a monkey worm movie now right i'm ready yeah definitely yeah michael bay um all right let's do one last one uh

Speaker 11 value of the kangaroo's tail oh no

Speaker 5 man i don't like where this is going yeah

Speaker 11 no so important is the kangaroo's tail and his rapid progress to the kangaroo experienced That experienced hunters

Speaker 11 with guns are accustomed to fire at the point where this appendage joins the body.

Speaker 12 Oh, that's so fucked up.

Speaker 5 Why are you shooting it?

Speaker 11 I mean, you're basing it in the butt.

Speaker 7 It's just like, this is where

Speaker 7 it's the best part of the kangaroo. Shoot it at its ass.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 11 That's how you take down a kangaroo. Because if they don't have their tail, they just spin in circles or they don't know which way to do it.

Speaker 5 They're just falling over. It's horrible.

Speaker 11 When the tail being disabled for its office of balancing. Yeah, right.
So it uses it to balance. Without a tail, it can't balance.

Speaker 7 Yeah, we understand that it's horrible.

Speaker 11 The animal is as effectually stopped as if hamstrung.

Speaker 11 Which is what I want to do to you. Matt just left.
Matt's gone.

Speaker 7 Matt, he had every right to leave.

Speaker 11 Hit elsewhere, except with a rifle bullet or at point-blank range, the kangaroo is pretty likely to get off. Well, that's different.

Speaker 5 That is different. Tough, tough animal.

Speaker 7 When we went and looked at kangaroos the one day, Zach, we went to like this place in Australia and we were like hanging out with them. Yes, Dave, the next day, ate kangaroo and had no,

Speaker 7 did not make the connection to that being insane or anything like that.

Speaker 11 It was tasty. Yeah.

Speaker 7 Nuts on these kangaroos.

Speaker 11 Also tasty.

Speaker 5 Jesus, Dave. But if you shoot them in the balls, apparently they're okay.

Speaker 7 You got to get the tail. No, they're fine there.
Absolutely.

Speaker 5 The locomotion does not come from the balls.

Speaker 7 The less talking about pouch.

Speaker 11 If you shoot a kangaroo in the balls, it goes, oh,

Speaker 5 it asks for another. Yeah.

Speaker 11 Can you try a shotgun now?

Speaker 5 So I'm confused that these marksmen are saying, forget shooting toward the chest, the heart, like the part of the body that controls everything.

Speaker 5 Let's shoot it in the ass, and then it just stands still.

Speaker 11 That's right. That's what they seem to be saying.

Speaker 5 This is

Speaker 5 the strangest science.

Speaker 7 You stop it. Yep.

Speaker 5 And then why do you

Speaker 5 want to play a second part?

Speaker 7 Well, don't worry about that.

Speaker 5 Just disable it from the tail up.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I'm not sure. That's not my department.
I just want to. Yeah, I'm Bob Czar.

Speaker 7 I'm not a big what's next kind of guy.

Speaker 5 I'm just kind of the tail off the fucker kind of fella.

Speaker 5 It's union rules. I shoot the tail, and then the other guy comes in with a net.

Speaker 7 I don't ask the boss questions. I just shoot the connective part.

Speaker 11 One peculiarity of the kangaroo is that after being started up, he very rarely swerves from his course, through which peculiarity he is easily potted potted by the hunters, who conceal themselves while a man on horseback drives the herd toward them.

Speaker 11 First of all, are there herds of kangaroos?

Speaker 7 I don't believe so, to be honest.

Speaker 5 I don't think so.

Speaker 5 And also, I'm pretty sure

Speaker 11 they can turn.

Speaker 7 No, no, no.

Speaker 7 They're like a pool cleaning vacuum.

Speaker 5 A group of kangaroos is known as a mob, a troop, or a court. There you go.
Troop. Mob is better.

Speaker 11 Well, shit. That's it.
That's the story.

Speaker 7 Well, there you go. There it is.
Matt. It's a shame Matt's not here to close it out with us.
He's a great guy, but he definitely... He likes to leave on a high note.
He's always said that.

Speaker 7 He's always back.

Speaker 5 He knows that. He's trying to get back.

Speaker 11 He's not, though, is he? Look at him. Look at him trying.

Speaker 5 Matt! Hey, we're done.

Speaker 5 It all went wrong. It all went wrong.
I don't know what happened, but it all went wrong. Well, don't worry.

Speaker 7 We really figured out some stuff at the end as far as how to disable a kangaroo for no reason.

Speaker 5 Let me guess. You shoot it where its tail meets its body.
Is that what I always say? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 7 I knew I liked you.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Well, Matt, Zach,

Speaker 7 the smoking tire.

Speaker 7 We will come back on for a two-person episode. You've got Jay Leno.
It really is,

Speaker 7 you guys really have quite a life of cars. And

Speaker 7 you're awesome. You're a great Benny Hana chef.
And people should just go watch, listen to to The Smoking Tire. Where's the best place to find that? And you guys,

Speaker 5 you can get it.

Speaker 5 Download the Smoking Tire podcast with any player that you use to get podcasts, or you can get it on youtube.com/slash the smoking tire podcast.

Speaker 5 We also have our original car review channel where we put up a new video every week, which is just YouTube slash the smoking tire without the word podcast and the smoking tire on Instagram.

Speaker 5 And Zach is the real Zach Clapman on Instagram.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Thank you guys.

Speaker 5 I want to say that we've both been huge fans for like a decade, so this is very

Speaker 5 great honor and also very surreal.

Speaker 7 Well, it's really, I'm sure it seems very human now that it's happened and we're all just sitting in our homes.

Speaker 11 And just

Speaker 11 go ahead and shoot the money to Venmo.

Speaker 5 Sure. You got cash up.
Got it. Got it.
Got it. Cash up.
Cash up.

Speaker 5 Thank you.

Speaker 8 When is that video coming out, though?

Speaker 5 Garrett. I don't know.
I don't know.

Speaker 7 I don't know.

Speaker 7 I will get... Listen, I'm going to crack a lot of skulls

Speaker 5 and get to the bottom of it.

Speaker 7 But what I will also say is, we keep talking about doing it again, so we should do it again soon.

Speaker 5 The hibachi is ready anytime.

Speaker 5 Thanks, guys.

Speaker 7 Anyway, thank you guys. Appreciate it.

Speaker 5 Thank you guys so much. Thank you so much.

Speaker 5 Some of these days,

Speaker 5 you'll miss me, honey.

Speaker 2 Hey guys, it's Kamal Nanjiani. My new stand-up special, Night Thoughts, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 3 I promise you're gonna laugh.

Speaker 4 I am an immigrant.

Speaker 6 Are there any other immigrants here?

Speaker 7 Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else.

Speaker 2 Night Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers.

Speaker 1 Terms apply. That wasn't my If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call.

Speaker 6 Terms apply.

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