122 - The Past Times with April Richardson

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All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week, the great April Richardson.

Hello, April.

Hi, how are you guys doing?

Good.

Thank you for joining us again.

Hey, thank you for hauling me great in the intro.

Well, I will be honest, I do that for everybody.

All right.

Yeah, I could have let you have it, but.

All right.

Thank you for.

I like to hurt.

That's why I'm Dave's dad.

I'm going to take off, guys.

No, no.

You guys see that?

Well, real quick, April, you moved to the UK a number of years ago.

How do you feel about that silly decision now?

Yeah, it's crazy.

I've lived here for six years now.

That's how long it's been.

I got to tell you, every time I go to the doctor, I'm pretty stoked about it.

That's my one measurement of, I'm like, oh, I can just go to the doctor whenever I want.

So everything else, it's fine.

That's pretty good.

That's pretty much all I'm worried about.

I can go to the doctor whenever I want.

Yeah.

It's just.

How much does it cost?

Lots.

Thousands.

Yeah, okay, sure, sure, sure.

All right.

See, that's where the disconnect is because for me, it's zero to dogs.

I have a choice of a doctor.

Yeah, a choice.

And we're about to not need doctors anymore because we're figuring out how to keep our autism out of our bodies.

That's

about time somebody figured it out.

And who's better than RFK, the genius that is RFK?

Much brain as his dad did on his last day.

Such a rich science background.

Like he's just studied and gone to so many universities.

Like he just knows.

That's why he took a whale.

That's what he's talking about.

He took a whale's head back to his laboratory to study it.

Right.

And then eat it like all scientists.

And then eat it piece by piece.

He's not the kind of guy that sees a whale,

a dead whale on a beach and goes, hey, I'm going to leave that.

You are

going to take that home and swear.

He's not the kind of guys who go, whoa, a whale head.

He's the kind of guy who goes, I'm going to traumatize the fuck out of my kids.

He's the kind of guy who's like.

dinner.

That's what he thinks.

So it's science, then supper.

Yes, exactly.

Well, Rachel, Rachel, good lord, I'm I'm drunk.

April.

That's the last time.

I swear to God, that's why it's in my head.

Well, maybe you should stop looking like a Rachel.

Did you ever think about that?

Yeah.

Dave's drunk, by the way.

Oh, sure.

People can follow you on the socials.

You are hilarious.

You're a fan favorite.

Your Instagram.

Are these two things that you've also told everybody else, along with great?

No.

You're a murderer.

Oh, I'm a murderer.

Let's not put that on a permanent record.

Don't worry, you're not here.

You don't go to El Salvador there.

People can follow you at April Richardson.

Yeah.

April Rich on Instagram.

And then, yeah, aprilrichardson.com.

My ex-husband, who's a big computer dude, showed me how to make, you know, on Blue Sky, you can make your handle,

your URL.

He showed me how to do that.

Yeah.

So I did that.

AprilRichardson.com.

There you go.

Well, well, well, look at you.

Welcome to 2025, everybody.

That's what makes you great.

Well,

April, we'd like to guess the year of this paper as you drink from a novelty-sized jar.

It's just a nation jar.

You just go in jars.

I mean, glasses, jars, whatever.

We would like you to guess first as to what year this paper could be from.

The bad news is it's not really much of a competition because Dave will cheat me.

The good news is you will win.

Okay.

I'm going to say 1942.

Interesting.

Interesting.

Very interesting guess.

I'm going to go with 1906.

Ooh, April wins because she had a four in hers.

It is 1894.

Wow.

And you did not have a four in yours.

Those are really loose rules.

Yeah, they're trash rules.

Yeah.

This is, we live in this podcast, we live under Trump, who's Dave, who just

whatever.

It's all about the fours, people.

Doesn't make any sense.

Not a saying, not something you've ever said.

Not something that's ever been said on this show.

I want these rules to apply like lottery tickets.

I got A4, so let's

put me in charge.

Yeah,

put you in charge of the lottery.

No, I'll have everybody winning all the time.

See, it's Trump.

Except Gareth.

See?

Trump.

Trump.

Friday, June 8th.

8th, 1894.

The

Rumford Falls Times.

Rumford, Maine.

Rumford Falls.

Rumford Falls.

Rumford Falls.

Nobody knows where that is.

And I would have looked it up.

Usually I look up.

I'm like, where's that town?

Does anybody care?

Once you're in Maine, it's all the same.

See, since America's fallen April, now Dave, he's just kind of mailing it in.

Have you been to Maine?

Yeah, I have.

Maine's great.

But it's all the same.

It's all big trees and nature.

It's all just picturesque.

It's beautiful.

Yeah.

So it's all the same.

So it doesn't matter where it is.

It's in the most of these stories and headlines are just going to be like, a tree is pretty again.

Well, what Gareth wanted was me, Gareth wanted to introduce inequality to Maine.

It's me to come on and say one part of Maine is better than another part of Maine.

And I didn't do that.

I said it's all.

You like a part better.

Is that a Maine accent?

I don't.

Is that just a general New England accent?

There's a part on the water, and that's cool.

So So you like the water part best?

No, I think that the forest is also equally awesome.

No more questions.

A big catch.

Serial.

Water part.

Starting off with some local news.

Yeah.

A Rumford Falls contractor, while crossing the bridge the other day, was caught in the nose by a flying fish hook.

Also, the bridge?

There's just one bridge.

We all are supposed to know the bridge.

There's a bridge.

Yeah, there's a bridge.

And he got nose hooked.

Yeah.

A yank and the hook disappeared.

So

he then

it got ripped out of his nose.

Through his nose, yeah.

I don't know if I believe this story.

I believe it.

100%.

Do you?

Yes.

So somebody was just casting off off of the bridge and it just casts.

You know, when you cast a fish hook, you throw it up and then you go.

So someone must have been below.

Yeah.

Or even on the bridge.

someone who's just casting wildly just

got the nose.

Yeah, I almost did that to my grandma once.

Wish I had when you were fishing, you were the one casting the rod after she passed away.

Oh, you're fishing at her funeral.

That seems we exhumed.

Keep going, I can't get it.

No, no, I want more of the story.

Did she get mad at you?

Uh, no, actually, hook her in the face, no, no, but it was a near miss, and everyone was like, Jesus, I was a kid, and everyone's like, Jesus Christ.

I was like, What?

She was like, oh, that's almost got me.

Where was this?

Where were you fishing?

I think in Florida.

I mean, I was very young, but I think in Florida, same thing, just kind of fishing off of like a dock.

Right.

And I just.

So not the Ward Bridge in Florida.

No.

No.

You tried to kill Nana.

That's what I'm hearing.

That's what I'm hearing.

Attempted murder.

Yep.

So this is kind of the same situation.

The small boy supposed to be attached to the other end of the line could not be discovered.

And the questions, questions who where

and what for are yet shrouded in mystery okay so they're trying to say this is a premeditated casting and the kid ran away yes that's right yeah

yeah

i need a follow-up article on the disappearing child with the fishing rod well we're gonna we're gonna every

until this kid comes forward every child in town shall be punished

i think like a date line episode on this kid.

Yeah.

Well, we need to put all the kids in a jail until

there will be, there will be a daily hand severing.

Well, and until we figure it out, let's just put them to work for a little while.

Also, this is the most low stakes, like nailing somebody in the face with a little fishing hook.

No,

it's

a little fishing hook.

It rips through the nose.

Good lord.

Sure, but I'm saying if you're really trying to do something,

the man is scarred.

You've listened to one too many of your rock and roll punk albums with their awkward piercings in their face.

Yeah,

that's a fish hook in the nose is a fashion statement here in England.

If it's a regular man, he bleeds.

Yeah.

I want to talk to this kid.

Let's find this kid.

This kid's dead, April.

He's alive.

He's like 100-something now.

Let's find him.

He's not 130.

He's dead.

This boy's dead.

Dave, confirm, please.

The boy's dead.

Yeah, boy's dead.

The boy's dead, April.

Damn.

We'll never know.

We'll never know the motive.

I'm pitching Exhum.

Exhum and hook, like we tried to do tonight.

I think it was Protestant Catholic violence.

Interesting take as usual.

They had that in Maine at the time.

Interesting take as usual.

They had it in America, yeah.

We had

like a version of the troubles in Maine specifically.

Yes.

We did.

Seriously, there was like crazy shit that happened here.

Yeah.

There's about to be some crazy stuff that's happening.

We've got what we call the troubles.

That was like local town gossip.

Go ahead.

It wasn't that.

I'm a little concerned about what they're calling the troubles, but we all are.

We all are concerned about that.

So

the troubles are happening in Massachusetts on the Simpsons?

No, we're a bit north of that area.

Yeah, that's.

I'm also.

Is this a Maine?

This is a Maine accent.

That's that's right yeah right here on the water Boston it's it's it's a soft it's called Soften it's a soft Boston but uh we still have a bit of a there's a bit of a draw

What I'm not listening to a couple Yankees who uh go ahead are all people in Maine that shiny

very share well yeah we're right by the water yeah I'm gonna need you to drop the skincare routine

lots of oils I yeah it's actually gross yuck you're glowing that's what are you yucking about What's yuck to you?

It's gross.

What is

the whole shiny thing?

It's nice.

And oils.

It's a youthful glow.

Yeah, it's oils.

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

It's oils and serums.

It's like an apothecary.

It's okay to age gracefully.

It is.

That's for right.

And I am, I will eventually when it's time,

when the serums have run out.

Ignig Bezos' wife, a Congress street merchant.

That's vicious.

That's a hate statement.

That's a hate point.

A Congress.

How far away are you from doing

shots?

Doing getting the Botox.

Never.

I got Botox once.

You did?

I got it once.

I did because, but it has nothing to do with aging.

It's because I've got the 11s.

I've got like ice cube eyebrows where I just look permanently angry.

So that's why I got it, but it hurt like fuck, dude.

Did it really?

I only got it right there.

Yeah, the lady tried to sell me, like, of course, is this in England?

Yeah, it's in England.

It was right before.

Free healthcare, was it?

It was not surprisingly not covered by the NHS.

I can only imagine getting Botox in England with that.

Don't worry, we're just done your lips again.

No, I just, I went to like, you know, a reputable,

you know,

spa type place.

But they, so I was like, I just want it here.

I only want to not look mad.

I was like, I genuinely don't care about looking old or whatever.

it's just

like tried to not be mad well your problem is you're always pissed off

the least pissed off person but because of these specifically i look like i'm always scowling so i got it and then she was like what about here what about here what about here where you go this is not only are you not selling me on it you're just insulting me like you're just listing where all of my randoms are so i'm good let's go the neck It lasted about six months.

And then once it,

you know, whatever evaporated, I never got it it done again.

Did you not look angry?

I've never thought you looked angry, but yeah.

Not only these two lines, it specifically was right there, and it got rid of those two lines for probably about six months.

Now it's your attitude that tells us you're angry,

which is how it should be.

I'm fuming all of the time.

That's me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, we had someone who had the 11s around here one time right before we had the troubles.

Who is this now?

This guy.

I'm the same guy from earlier.

I don't like how I was treated earlier.

I believe I was more accurate than I was given credit for.

Well, I mean, your accent, sir, is all over the map.

No, it's not.

Yeah,

we thought you were a different guy.

No, you now you've uh no, you made that part up.

I'm the same guy as I was before.

It literally right there.

There, I lost it a little for sure.

There, I will concede something that happened partially.

Uh, a congress street merchant lost his pocketbook sunday discovering its absence soon after returning from church after search of the streets and hours of anxiety he accidentally discovered the lost treasure behind the looking glass where he had carefully placed it in the morning dumb story literally nothing happened

the dumbest shit ever but that's small town news guy left something and found and it was where he left it it's like if your friend told you that i'd be like

i don't need Yeah, this is the story.

I looked all over the place for my keys, and they were on the key hook.

I was holding them.

This is a time where printing press, like the effort that goes into making this newspaper is such that it's like, you're wasting that on, hey, this guy's going to

he has to fill the page, but he

could.

Yeah.

There's better stories.

There has to be.

I mean, this, like, following this lead, if you're in this area, must have been like.

Imagine the guy with the pencil behind his ear and the little note, like, sir, tell me more.

Keep going.

Yeah, he was like, I'd like a couple more of the developments from this particular story.

Give me a quote, please.

Yeah.

Give me a moment.

Also, you said he left it behind his looking glass.

Is that what they called mirrors then or something?

I don't know what a looking glass is.

Oh, it must have been in the.

Well,

it's a

pocketbook.

Well.

I assume wallet is that?

A pocketbook is a wallet, right?

So I assume.

I don't know why it would be behind a looking glass.

Yeah, I don't know what that is.

A looking glass is like

Gareth has the answer.

Gareth, go.

I don't think I do.

I mean, I think it was a little mirror.

This is April, by the way.

This is the best because people listening to the show,

this is almost why we do the show at this point.

There are some people who are furious at this conversation right now.

They're like, it was a mirror you were.

Because we don't know what it is.

Because we don't know, and we're Googling and we're quitting.

Sorry about the words.

Well, it's also very funny.

People can't understand that some people are just like, nah, whatever.

Yeah,

not closure.

So this, even right now,

just figure it out.

This will be in the comments.

I do that with a ton of stuff.

Me, whatever.

Yeah.

Or this will be a DM.

Hey, I know you said you didn't want to know, but just so you know, here's a link to looking glass culture of the mid-1890s.

I'm a looking glass historian, and you guys literally fucked this one up.

We're suing you.

D.T.

Robertson lost a valuable gold watch Tuesday morning while coming from Dicksfield on a bicycle.

I've come from Dicksfield.

Yeah.

If he just finds it where he left it, the paper needs to be burned.

He had been in his shop nearly two hours before he missed it.

He took his wheel and went back nearly to Dicksfield when he found it uninjured, although several teams had passed.

Also, his wheel, he was riding a unicycle?

A bicycle.

Oh, it's still singular.

It's still very.

I like to picture that one big-wheeled bike with the small wheel.

That's probably what it was.

Yes.

Oh, that's right.

It has a

backup wheel.

Why did that start like that?

Is that how bikes started?

No.

Is that the first training wheel where it's like you're giant?

We did a bike episode.

I think that's how they started.

Yeah, I think the big wheel was the early thing.

Like that was the prototype for the bicycle.

And then we were like, this is wildly uncomfortable.

Well, then, some guy was like, what if they were just like the same size?

He was like, ah, I don't think that'd, yeah, I don't think that'll work.

I don't think that'd be.

And then they made two huge ones.

How am I going to get on it?

Well, you got to have your bike, buddy.

Do you guys remember

the guy on Melrose who used to ride a unicycle on Melrose?

Yep.

No.

Yes, it was a guy.

He

because I used to go to that pizza place all the time on Melrose, and the guy would peach pit.

The peach pit.

I loved it.

I loved hanging out there with the crew.

He, this guy, every time, would ride by on not only on a unicycle, but he has a tattoo, he has a clown face tattooed on his face.

Oh, she's by the, okay, so calling that guy the unicycle guy is your first mistake.

Exactly.

But I was such a dick about him because I would see him so often, and obviously, his whole thing is like everyone stare at me that I would physically yawn.

I would like yawn super exaggeratedly when he would drive by just because i'd be like dude we get it you're weird because he was always he was wearing like a 1920s gangster suit tattooed on clown face riding a giant unicycle here's what i like up and down i mean i like to think i like to think that that guy was like there's this woman i walk by who's always tired so i try to make her day more exciting by putting clown face on my face and riding a unicycle buyer just to see if i could spike her adrenaline

yeah and also and right now he's on a podcast like do you remember the yawning woman who used to walk down Melrose?

Chronically yawning.

She's chronic yawner.

Yeah.

There is a new terror in town.

Here we go.

It goes forth like a lion,

seeking whom it may run down.

Yes.

It is more to be dreaded than a car of juggernaut.

A car of juggernaut.

That's fine.

I think that's a

car of juggernaut.

I think they open for Insane Clown Posse.

Yeah.

Because it can speed around the square while the juggernaut is turning the corner.

It is more terrible than an army.

A juggernaut's got to be like some kind of a wagon.

Now I'm asking, what is it?

I've only ever...

Juggernaut I've only known is like an adjective.

Yeah.

What is a juggernaut?

Car of juggernaut.

A car of juggernaut.

What does that mean at all?

I'll just refresh here.

Keep reading Dave.

It also sounds like a They Might Me Giant song or something.

That's true, too.

Album.

It is more terrible than an army with banners.

Yay, than an army of nurses with baby buggies.

Says a very large, heavy truck.

So it's got to be some kind of big wagon.

On a car?

It's like a big wagon.

Yeah, a big vehicle.

Okay.

Because I don't have cars yet.

You don't know that.

It is what needs to say?

The woman on a bicycle.

Oh, my God.

I didn't want to say it i didn't want to say it but it's a problem it's a problem in town they're basically comparing a woman on a bicycle to like a monster a sasquet a monster it's a monster terrorizing monster it's a crazy large out of control vehicle no difference uh april it's hard for us to mansplain this because you've been brainwashed so much but um

It's not good when we see a woman on a bike.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

We don't have to come out.

We're not scared.

Yeah.

Anytime a woman is doing anything on her own,

we can make it all weird.

No, no, no, no.

Don't do that.

Don't do that.

Go ahead, Dave.

No, it's the fact that you're careening about hitting people.

You're riding a man bike.

We need very special woman bikes with a lot of padding and sirens.

And that's all we're saying.

They should be pink.

Yeah, pink.

And then you're not driving it.

Someone else is.

Someone's pushing you or someone's there to monitor you.

And we want women to have fun, but this is just for the safety of everyone around the woman.

Right.

No, I understand.

We can't, we're not good at

things.

Yeah, as good as man, as good as man, Dave.

Yeah, you got to be careful because in the past five to ten years, there's been this whole kind of annoying, like, meh, like, women thing that it's just been really hard for Dave and me.

Can you explain this?

Well, it's just been this whole thing where it's just like these, it's just like women and some of these weak, weak soy boy males are going like, oh, the women did very

fun too.

And you're like, oh my god stop sure look well said well yeah it's just a lot for us to go i'm more tired than ever i'm sleeping better than ever but it's only because i'm exhausted from the day-to-day grind of just being like

i could have did oh am i holding the door am i not holding the door sure oh yes do i pull the seat out or is that is that an assault

you know what i mean i just can't tell anymore it's very hard to be the man finally finally somebody says it yeah

I appreciate you.

Oh, but I buy you a drink.

Oh, no, you don't mind that.

You know, come on.

Come on.

This is

what an apt critique of feminism.

You're really making me read a lot of people.

I'm just telling you.

I appreciate it.

We overcorrected.

So now we got women on bikes.

They're in the park.

People are dying.

I just want the kids to live.

We're changing the name of this podcast to the truth.

Yeah.

It's a true pod.

It's a true pod.

Finally, just saying what we think for one.

Pedestrians, by the way, they always call, they do, but we get, I get called the soy boy a lot because

our clips get put up on Instagram and then right-wingers find them.

And I get called soy boy all the time, which is very funny because

I drink soy milk.

And I like soy.

Is soy boy still a thing?

Like, that is

bait is a thing.

Bait is strong.

And here's what I found.

Anyone who uses the clown emoji is

just a complete more.

It's their way of being like, how do you like that?

It's like, it's just to me like a scarlet letter of dumbassery.

Sure, sure.

Clown emoji.

It's still going on.

Soy boy.

Beta, beta, soy boy.

Cuck.

Cuck.

I love it.

Yeah, they're still there.

Isn't it so amazing, too?

Because you're like, you guys won everything.

Yeah.

Like you won everything.

So what are you still mad about?

You're still like, God, wokeness.

And you're like, isn't that over?

You guys are in control of everything.

So stop.

What's

wrong with him?

Being sensitive is now done.

Happy?

That'll be good.

Yeah.

Pedestrians have slight protection against the man on a bicycle when he goes on a rampage.

They can scurry out into the gutter and kick mud at him.

They can scramble upon the fence and hurl hard chunks of language at him.

They can subsidize a Teamster and sick a coal card on him.

They can lug around baseball bat walking canes and knock him out on the fly now and then.

I have never loved a phrase more than hard hunks of language.

Hard hunks of language.

That's like a poetry book that I'm going to write.

Hard hunks of language.

I'd like to be on the cover.

That's amazing.

I also don't sleep on the fact that you can hit men off bikes with bats.

Yes, and that's

in the paper.

They're like telling you in the paper to do it.

It's important.

And women can't do that to the women.

You can't hit a woman with a bat.

You can't hit a woman off a bike with a bat anymore.

It's out of

culture.

It's woke.

But it's what's happening in the 1800s.

It's woke.

But the woman on a bicycle is another thing altogether.

The public has long since recognized the fact that it is at the mercy of the woman on a pavement, especially if she walked double or triple file, and more especially if she carry an umbrella.

All right.

So just go aside on that.

Because

when people are walking like four or five acrosses, I fucking red rover the shit out of them.

Yeah.

I hate that shit so much.

I agree.

That's why I don't,

that's the reason I stopped living in cities.

Also at the farmers where I get sometimes I'll see like three or four people talking in the middle and you're like, hey, notice how everyone's really inconvenienced now?

Well, you're like, I know, yeah.

Yes.

My favorite nectarine?

Yes.

Let's discuss it right in single file across the aisle.

I hate that shit.

I do.

I love that.

That's what I do too.

I'm like, I will teach you a lesson going forward.

Yeah.

You're still doing the yawn to the clown just in different ways, essentially.

Totally.

You're still out there.

Yeah.

Also, is this an editorial in this paper that somebody's just like, let me tell you about vitamin Everything is How do you do it?

Oh, this is actually from the Louisville Courier Journal.

So it must be editorial, yeah.

Oh, it's that good article.

Put her on a bicycle, and she is simply devastation on wheels.

That's just amazing.

It's true.

With faith.

I mean, I guess there had to be an origin story for women can't drive, and it's women can't ride bikes.

Oh, yeah, men were very against women not riding badly.

I think you'd find it's women can't anything.

Yeah, for sure.

But the two biggest things

men were very upset about were women having pockets and women having bicycles.

Yes.

God, that pocket thing is still so real.

Yeah.

With face set as grimly as fates, with eyes as unseeing as the Sphinx's, with

petals as relentless as the jaws which clamp her toe

tolu

okay, tolu.

She swoops down the street, and when she does let her

beasts hunt their holes, the fowls of their roost, and men and children hurry to the second stories if second stories be in reach.

Hey, can you read that holes part again, but kind of slowly?

She does let the beasts hunt their holes.

Okay.

You like that?

First of all, what the fuck does that mean?

Second of all, this is written as if a woman riding a bike is like putting fucking Bernie from weekend at Bernie's on a bike and pushing him down the street.

Like, it's just complete chaos.

Yes.

Now you're getting it.

Dave, I'll handle this.

Because you're a woman, you've never seen a woman on a bike from the male.

I'm barely comprehending these words.

It's not good.

It's like if you saw a Sasquatch with a samurai sword masturbating, you'd be like, nah, it's really bad.

Yeah, of course.

Coming at you.

Say the line again with the

samurai sword.

Yeah, yeah.

It's slower.

Yeah.

It's like seeing a Sasquatch with a samurai sword jacking off, running down the street,

coming to warning you.

Yeah.

There you go.

There you go.

See?

Nice.

See what happens when the men are in charge?

It goes well.

Somebody is going to make fan art of that.

Somewhere on the internet, that will become porn.

I hope it ends up in the right-wing chat room, and that's what they see.

You just unlock somebody's very specific fetish.

The clown emoji.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

Yeah, but that's how we get a list of it.

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A victim of avarice.

In 1812, well, that's weird.

18, it's that's so they're just telling a story from

several decades ago.

In 1812, a teacher of languages in Berlin died literally of hunger.

He had been in the habit of giving lessons in the daytime and begging at night.

Is he not?

I don't think they're paying him.

Lessons?

I don't understand what.

I don't think he's.

What about asking for a salary of some kind?

Yes.

Nah.

After his death.

Oh, no.

After his death, a sum of money equal to about a hundred thousand francs was found concealed in his room.

He had for his heir a brother whom he had refused to see for the space of 27 years because he had written to him a letter without paying the postage.

So he was just a cheap weirdo.

Yeah.

I mean, cheap money.

Yeah.

For that time, 100,000.

That's a lot of fucking money.

That's a lot of fucking money.

But I don't think we know how much a fran is.

Do we?

A franc?

Yeah.

That's not saying

I know how much a franc is.

A franc.

You're spelling out F-R-A-N-K.

187 pounds.

A normal franc.

No.

You're thinking of a franc.

A franc.

Stop.

It's a dollar.

So it's 100.

I mean, it's a little over a dollar.

$100,000 in fucking $80.

But you lucked out that a franc is worth like a dollar.

You lucked out.

That's crazy.

That's the money with the hole in it.

Wait a minute.

So he's saying that his brother, he tried to write a letter letter to his brother, but didn't pay for the postage.

So his brother never got it.

And that's why they never talked.

Saying a lot of stuff.

This is one of those articles that's saying a lot of stuff and also very little.

I have a question.

Why is this newsworthy?

Why would a paper in America be reporting on this?

Well, April.

Maybe you don't like interesting facts.

Yeah.

Because we're all still recovering from when the guy found his pocketbook where he left it.

How would this paper find out that a guy in France or wait, Germany?

Don't do this.

This is what I'm doing now.

What you're doing now is a lot like riding a bicycle out in the street.

I'm just saying.

Good point.

My slow lady brain, the gears on my lady brain.

They're just grinding against each other

together.

It's a lot.

I want to know more about this guy.

After this, I'm going to look up this guy.

He's got a science podcast.

Yeah.

He's not real.

There's no way that it's real.

Maybe.

I mean, when you're writing a newspaper in 1894 and you're just bringing up random stories from 1812, you're making it up.

You're making it up.

Could you possibly verify any of this?

Again, I get so jealous retroactively of anybody who lived pre-internet because it's just so easy to lie and fake and scam.

Because there's a lot of people who are like, you know what?

Like in the 1800s, you could literally just be like, I don't like this life.

And then just go a few states over and then now you're Frank.

You're like a new high school.

Five miles down the road and you're like, what's up?

I'm Jeff.

And then just give up a whole life and no one.

I'm Jeff.

I'm an Olympic gymnast.

And you're like, amazing.

Jeff, you're the king of our town now.

That's amazing.

And then that's also

a number of dollops where it's like some guy will just be like, if you buy this box for $40,000, it will create money when you walk outside and people are like, Jesus Christ, take it.

Yes, straight up music man shit.

And then you just go on to the next town.

Yep.

What a life.

I think I'd be a scammer if I was around in those times.

You are a scammer.

But you would be found out.

You can't be a scammer and rise to like high office.

Well, obviously, I, as a woman, couldn't be because I couldn't like get on my bike and ride off after my scams.

That's right.

Thank you.

But you, yeah, you can't be a scammer now.

It's not like you could start like a, like a, some sort of banking company and then

start a car company and then a rocket company.

That's true.

It's not like we live in a time where no consequences are faced by anybody ever.

Yeah, no, you,

you know, you couldn't achieve the highest office in the land and start like one of those fake meme coin things and do a rug pull and that get away with it.

Yeah, you could never, because, you know, there are laws apparently.

We have checks, we have balances.

There's a whole you can never do that now.

Nope, not on my watch.

Sometimes I think about the

Dolph fan who was a crazy Elon lover.

And when I would make comments about him online, he would attack me.

And eventually I blocked him.

But sometimes I think about like, now, I just want to, I wish I could go back to that guy and go, so where are you at?

He's still in.

He's probably still in.

He's still in.

What did he love about him?

Yeah, I mean,

it's all smoke and mirrors.

The best one is Garrett Semmes video that did.

The Hyperloop is just like the best.

The Hyperloop is so again,

it's an embarrassment of riches when it comes to picking his largest, craziest failures.

The Hyperloop is

really special.

I guess they just, no, I have never,

who's like, that CEO is cool.

What a cool guy.

Like, the concept of just being like, the guy who owns that company is my hero.

Like, what are you fucking talking about?

Like, they don't, I don't care.

I blame it on Bill Gates because in the the 90s bill gates was the big villain in america right and then he rehabbed his image he i mean he did stuff like pay off nbc he'd like oh you want a grant for two hundred thousand dollars like he did shit like that and now he then he became seen as something good and i and between him and steve jobs i really think that it just created this ceos you're fucking awesome i don't it's like and even if they give to charity and shit you're like yeah they're supposed to be doing that they're just so supposed to be doing doing.

Yeah.

But I guess I don't understand.

And this is somebody I admire tons of people, but it's like people who make things.

And I don't know.

I don't being like.

They're largely.

Yeah, it doesn't mean you know how to do everything.

You just made a thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I just can't imagine being like, yeah, the CEO of that car company is my idol.

What?

What are you talking about?

Well, that's why the Blue Origin space thing, the Yas Queen space mission, is so fucking hysterical.

It's really, yeah.

It really was like the height of

austerity and tone deafness

from

even from sort of this, like, these like sort of like, yeah, it's, it's a women, it's women taking this.

It's like, it's still a Bezos private entity funded, and he's putting other near billionaires in this rocket.

And then you're mad at us for being like, hey, this fucking sucks from every perspective.

Well, I'm the worst.

I fucking hate.

I'm like, space is none of our goddamn business.

It's none of our business.

That's a great ass.

What?

In the fucking space.

Let her cook.

Let her cook.

I hate it.

What do you mean?

I hate space.

It's none of our business.

It's none of my business.

It's none of it.

It's space and the deep ocean, both of those places.

None of our fucking business.

None of our business.

Space is none of our business is awesome.

It's true.

That could be a special title.

Because I'm like, the amount of money.

Look, this is a thing.

I don't want to hijack the entire podcast.

This is something I feel very strongly about.

I think it's a huge fucking waste of money, especially the shit of like, we're going to live on Mars someday.

See, that we fucking aren't.

That part of it is a way.

I think what NASA was doing was good, but what's happening now is

not good.

It really.

But I do like the idea that the shit is none of our business.

Anti-space and ocean.

Have you seen the shit?

When you go down like miles into the ocean,

and there's fucking fish with like chainsaws and lasers on their heads and shit.

Why are we trying to find that out?

Let them be

like that.

The forest is none of our business.

The forest is different because at least you don't like die if you come out of the forest too fast.

If you get the fucking gangs when you're trying to escape, like the ocean is telling us, do not come here.

Every aspect of it is saying, don't come down here.

I don't have an argument.

I don't agree, but I also can't really argue.

I don't agree either, but I also don't have an argument against it.

That's a pretty good point.

It is a good point.

Space being none of our business, I get a lot more, but the ocean is not.

It's just not.

We're not welcome.

Like, did you guys see?

I posted all about this because I freaked out because a couple of months ago when they posted that fish, they were like, a rare sighting of the fucking devil fish or whatever.

And it was like the scariest thing you've ever seen with like giant fangs.

And I'm going,

you should have to assign an NDA if you work for any ocean shit.

Why did you just show this to me?

I don't need to know this exists.

It doesn't enrich any human life to know that this terrorizing devil fish exists five miles down below the surface where no one's ever going to fucking go.

Like, don't tell me that.

And don't go try to hang out with them.

They don't want you there.

I just think that shit's jokes.

do you ever go in the ocean do you ever go to the beach no no i go to the beach but like i'm never gonna swim in anything i can't see the bottom of you don't go in the water when you're at the beach i go like knee deep waist deep tops tops it depends on the ocean when i was like in greece and you can see the bottom great i'll go like waist deep but down at the english channel that's like a 10 minute walk i knee deep tops

I'm not trying to kick anything with like fangs.

We're not swimming.

I'm not trying to kick anything with fangs.

When you're swimming in the ocean and you're fucking kicking your feet, who fucking knows what you're going to make contact with?

Just so you know,

this is like a op-ed in a newspaper from 1894.

That's really what you're doing.

Give me the ocean is none of our business.

Give me the Pulitzer, dude, because I will write a password.

Shit out of the ocean.

None of our goddamn business.

Leave it alone.

None of those fish with all those apparatuses coming out of their face want any contact with us they don't want their picture taken don't show me this picture

it's got a big chainsaw coming out of its mouth like i don't know

if they could talk it would be like no pictures yes

that's what yeah

yeah no the ocean is full of like beavers

oh my god the ocean is none of our business plus those aren't why are we even going to space to look for the aliens because those are the aliens the aliens are what live five miles down below in the ocean.

Those are fucking aliens.

I don't disagree with that.

This I agree with.

Yeah, you don't need to go to Mars.

You have the scary ass alien in the ocean.

We don't need to go discover any shit in the space.

I still want to see him.

I still do too.

But I, but I, April's very disappointed in us.

I still want to see him.

I do.

Show him to me.

Show me all the freaks.

You have to go.

Do you guys like scuba dive?

I serve.

I've served.

Right, but I mean, if somebody

and they said, like, we have a way that you could go down like two miles in the ocean, you would do it.

Yes.

No fucking way.

Why would you do it?

I don't know why you're acting like you're meeting fish right now when we say yes to that.

Because it just makes me scared for you.

We're not doing it.

Nobody's made that offer.

But just the fact that you would be open.

And by the way, I'm going to go down there and I'm going to kick a bunch of shit with fangs.

No.

Yeah.

When I'm surfing, there are sharks around me all the time, right?

But sharks, I can comprehend the existence of the shape.

What the fuck just happened?

What the fuck just happened?

Now you're just like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no sharks are

like that.

I don't want to hang out with a shark, but I can't, I could, you know, a shark makes sense to me.

We've learned about sharks.

The deeper you go, the more these animals are like,

what the fuck am I looking at?

It's got like a flashlight hanging off of it, and it's got like three feet long teeth.

Like, those are things where you go, only my night terrors have those in them.

a shark has a form that like we're we're going that looks like a fish that's a fish it's a scary fish but it's a fish the deeper you go you're like what the fuck even is this thing like it's a demon like see April let me ask you a question

what what did the fish do to you

what did the fang fish do i hate them i hate them so you want a war

no i want them to just be left alone that's why when people are like i want to go hang I want to go check them out and hang out with them.

That's when I'm like, I don't know.

I think you're hanging out with the wrong people.

You guys were just like, yeah, and how can we go fucking hang out with these maniacs?

We went to the Great Barrier Reef and it was a fantastic experience.

How deep did you go?

We went so deep.

We found where it started.

I just can't, I don't know.

It's just Dave saw this weird chainsaw chainsawed fish and he punched it in its fang.

Yep.

And then his light came on.

And then his light came on.

It was like a lamp.

He hit a lamp fish.

I don't know.

It's just too unknown.

Like, you know, it's everything about it.

It's the environment.

It's like black nothingness, no sound, no nothing.

And then again, like I said, if you get freaked out and you try to swim to the surface really fast, you get punished for running away and your lungs explode and you get the bends.

Everything about it sucks.

I'm going to drug you and throw you deep into the ocean and wake you up.

I would murder you.

I would murder you if you.

Yeah, I got to, I'm gone at that point.

That would be

the cruelest possible thing anyone could ever do to me.

I have to admit that it would be so great if every time Elon said, we're going to Mars, people just started yelling at him.

It's none of our business.

It would be great if April on stage with Elon at all space events.

Just like, wow,

April, hold on, let me get through this.

Because then, if you think about that,

his obsession with wanting to live on Mars, look, it seems like it fucking sucks.

Who the fuck wants to live on Mars?

Some fucking insults has come.

And also, like, the thing that he doesn't ever factor in is how many people, in this type of space exploration, how many people die

to finally get to be able to live there?

It's like tons of people are going to die.

It's a lot easier to tons of people.

And then once they get there, you're like, oh, cool.

So we just all live in this like pod on this barren desert planet.

Seems pretty great.

Cool.

Like,

what are you doing, everyone?

We got enough problems here.

Stay here, figure out the problems.

It's none of our business.

Don't spend our time.

You don't need to go to space.

You've got the land and the oceans to figure out.

Go ahead, Dave.

Space is none of our business.

She makes a stern mayor.

Miss Yates, the lady who, as mayor, rules the destinies of Wanhunga, New Zealand.

Oh, I was going to say, it didn't seem like America.

Wanahunga or Wanhunga, Wanahunga, it seems like quite a leap to go from they can't ride bikes to now one is a mayor.

Let her go.

We're going, we're just...

to find a different ladies to talk shit about.

Now we found one in New Zealand.

Yeah.

Has introduced some new rules of etiquette.

During a discussion on the resignation of the sanitary inspector, one of the counselors assumed a smiling expression, whereupon the lady reproved him with the remark, This is no place to smile.

That made world news.

A lady telling a guy that made world news.

Yeah, but I can see because that's like the, she did the Uno reverse, dude, because we're told to smile every time we're walking down the street.

So she was like,

paper is written just about

how worried men are that women are doing anything that they shouldn't be.

It's not surprising.

And again, good thing that's changed.

I know.

It's a good thing that we don't live in that kind of time.

Six went to space.

I'm told it is actually some of our business.

Wait, by the way, I didn't obviously watch.

Like, what...

What did they technically do?

Oh, you don't want to.

They just hit the space barrier and then came back.

but katie i can't not know katie perry had a flower and discovered earth and what else did she do she sang she sang a song in in space

what was the song in i i keep thinking it's we are the world it's not we are the world no

it was uh

i love earth and i polluted it more than anyone else can in two minutes

what a wonderful world she sang what a wonderful world what a fucking asshole.

So they just hit the edge of the atmosphere or something and they came up.

Yeah, they did the babies.

Yeah.

Okay.

Great.

God of winning so much.

I'm glad that they used

to have a zillion dollars to do that.

Yeah, but one of them is going to blow up and they are going to be so shocked at the Luigi-like reaction.

Oh, they were shocked by this reaction.

If that had blown up.

Oh, my God.

I'm telling you.

Yep.

They have to go.

Yeah, they just don't.

They don't know.

They don't know.

They don't get it.

It really is amazing.

Is Bezos also, like, does he also want to live on Mars?

Or is he not?

He just is as big of a Mars guy as well.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Because Elon's whole Mars plan, Elon, deep down in his head, knows it's bullshit.

Yeah.

Right.

But yeah, so Bezos is probably a little more aware that it's just not going to happen.

He's just going to space.

He's just doing this because he thinks it's like fun to go to space.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, it really is.

It's just kind of a new level of affirmative tourism.

I mean, literally,

his favorite show was

a

space show about

other civilizations or whatever.

Yeah.

And then all of a sudden he got into space and wanted to go to space.

That's literally how it happened.

It's why we can't give these people this much money.

Because then you're like, why are you doing it?

And he's like, I mean, I've got to do something.

I have everything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Space seems so boring, dude.

Excuse me, you're biased.

We've already heard your pitch pitch on space.

What do you do?

Have you ever seen Star Trek?

Have you ever seen Star Trek?

No.

Why would she watch it?

It's none of her business.

So

you don't even know what a Kardashian is.

I just don't care.

Why would I watch Star Trek?

It's like, I don't, and I also like how you bring that out like it's a documentary.

Star Trek is from the future.

Star Trek is beamed in from the future.

It's a documentary beamed from the future.

I'll have you know, these are episodes specifically from the captain's log.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

These are from official documents.

Yeah.

He says it every episode of April.

I'm just not a space guy.

I'm just, I've never been a space guy.

It hasn't come across in this episode of podcast.

Woman's World.

What the fuck?

Philadelphia Convention of Women's Clubs.

Oh, God.

Time to get out of town.

Oh, boy.

They'll sink.

It was good to be at Philadelphia at the second biennial convention of the General Federation of the Women's Clubs, and it was lots of fun.

When all is said, there is probably no one who enjoys women more than a woman.

It's not the way I do it.

I'll tell you that.

Honestly, then sentence could not have ended either way.

That's a category on Porn Hub.

Women loving women.

Although she takes herself individually very seriously, she has a happy faculty of putting herself on the outside when looking at the rest of her sex, and she finds them very amusing.

Is this just a universal she?

They just mean like

yes, woman, John.

Yeah, that's how we talk about like a dog.

Yeah.

Yep.

It's just normal, fine.

It is funny how this, like, it's talking about as if we're a different species.

I know, it is.

It's like a guy.

It's like a guy in the wild.

It's like Jack Hannah.

Like,

yeah.

And Jack, where's her dick?

It's a very funny thing about the woman, actually.

The woman doesn't actually have the dick.

This is so wild.

Garrett's going to get in trouble for that.

For example, almost every other woman, when she went into the room in the New Century Clubhouse, where her railroad tickets were to be vised for the reduced rates,

she found that the railroad had sent an agent to receive them, a man who was very deaf.

Okay, so they're getting their tickets.

Is this an Agatha Christie setup?

I think they're getting comp tickets or something.

Oh, okay.

And so the rail, but the railroad, they sent a deaf guy to do the job.

That's where I got a little lost, but okay.

No questions were needed to be asked.

The certificates told the story, and the agent did his work with skill and dispatch, but the women saw the humor in it.

Of him being deaf, yeah, the humor of his deafness.

Jesus Christ.

Wow.

Quote, isn't it funny?

Perfectly delicious.

I suppose they thought we should talk him to death.

These and similar comments betrayed their appreciation and enjoyment of the situation.

There we go.

There we go.

So they're like, they sent a deaf guy because

all these bitches be nagging.

So we got to send a deaf guy.

The men were like, how will one man stand the talking of six to eight women?

Yes.

what we'll do let's send herbert he has no ears yep he will be able to survive

wow

well

no no see now that you said i'm gonna get in trouble i'm gonna go on the other side that's disgusting what a disgusting joke

women's suffrage and women's brain

is this the same article it's yeah it's right near it okay but it's a different article amazing well there's kind of a lot of women

the editor was like and first of all we start with hooks and no's the guy lost something and then why women tell me

tell me more about the women's brain What what is so great about this time and not now obviously is that anytime you got mad at your wife or someone broke up with you or someone didn't go out with you on a date you could then just hit the paper and just write this shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's all it becomes all women's fault because totally.

Yep.

The present very active and enlightening agitation over the question of women's suffrage calls up, by the way, that did not work out, calls up again the many now established facts about the physiological differences in the nervous system of the sexes.

Jesus Christ.

So this is this is science.

This is science.

You see, in my opinion, what's inside of a woman is none of our business.

It's like the ocean.

Not very long ago, Sir James Crichton Brown delivered a series of lectures in which he aimed to show from actual data that the brains of women were not only relatively smaller than,

but essentially different in structural arrangement and functional characteristics from those of man.

But is he doing that by like holding a woman's brain?

Or he is just it's just this guy because a lot of people.

Well, you don't need to actually hold the woman's brain.

You can give examples.

Yeah, right.

So it's just like behavioral examples.

Look at how they ride bikes.

Right.

Thank you.

Yes.

It's a great example.

How they treat the deaf.

Yes.

Yes.

I mean, we already have all of these examples from today's episode alone.

It's just so great to be in a time when you could just be like, I figured out a woman's brain.

And Everyone's like, nope, gather around.

He, in particular, showed that the vertebral arteries in women are larger in proportion to the

keratids than they are in men, and that the cerebellum and posterior parts of the brain were, therefore, more nourished proportionally.

The brain of a woman is 4% smaller than that of a man after deducting the factors of height and weight.

Just shut up.

It's just so fucking funny.

I love it.

I love it.

I mean, especially because, you know, in this day and age, this is a doctor who probably, like, you know, if you go to the doctor, then, hey, I got a headache.

Hey, have you thought of doing cocaine about it?

Like, this is those doctors

where they're like, do you want to try leeches and cocaine?

So

this guy is.

Yeah, this guy's got the big brain.

Yeah.

Amazing.

Amazing.

Oh, this is good.

And woman's brain, as soon as it reaches its apogee, begins to decline in weight so that senile atrophy is manifested sooner than in a man.

Hey, this might be confirming everything this guy says, so I probably shouldn't say it out loud, but is it how much your brain weighs really have any bearing on your intelligence?

Oh, yeah.

Are you ready?

Yeah,

guys, got big fat brain.

Go, Dave.

Well, my wife and I had an argument over this, so we I had her lay on the scale, and then we both weighed our heads.

April, do you not have a head scale?

You know, I don't, and it's interesting because I guess already anybody who brings up IQ, I'm already like, what?

But now, I love the idea of being like, not even IQ, just going, how much does your brain weigh?

Mine weighs fucking 10 pounds, dude.

This is Chad.

He's got a nine-pound brain.

Yeah, like, who knows that about the brain?

And how in the world does that dictate your intelligence?

This is also a time when these people are just eating spoonfuls of lead yes

exactly so there's always swelling in their brains from the lead paint chips and they're like that means i'm smart it's

there's no doubt we believe in the minds of physiologists that oh yeah so this is phrenology shit right yeah

that the mental characteristic of a woman have a structural basis in the conformation and amount of her nervous tissues Okay.

And that no amount of training will make this is when she cries, April.

And no amount of training will make the male and female brains alike.

Yeah, so you can't, you can't read yourself out of that.

There's training also because it's like

men's brains are from Mars and women's brains from

genius.

Totally.

We're not going to Mars with our brains, though, Dave.

That ain't none of our business.

Of course, all this does not in the least prove that woman's mind is not adapted to the demands of suffrage or political jury and military duty.

It only shows that the result of the conferring suffrage,

conferring suffrage cannot be positively predicted either one way or the other, since it would be injecting into our political system an entirely new factor.

So it's like, don't let women vote because their brains aren't fat enough?

I mean, I think so.

But it was the equivalent at the end there of going like, ladies, we're not saying you can't do everything,

just certain things are bad enough for you.

If you had heavier brains, we would let you do these other things.

But you have

your brain ain't fat enough, baby.

With the feeble brains that you do have, we understand that you at least know how to cook and sew.

Yeah.

And that's plenty for us.

Yeah, that's all you need.

You've done enough.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, it's been a very informative episode in a number of ways.

That's it.

We're ending on the women's brand.

We learned about women.

This was the article that we learned about women.

And that's why we had you on.

By the way,

this episode goes out on International Women's Day, which I think is going to be very important.

Wait, what day is it?

I don't even know what day that is.

7th or something.

Yeah, it's like October, I don't know, 33rd.

Anyway,

April, thank you for joining us.

Thank you for being Rachel at the beginning.

Thank you for being April by the end of the day.

Anytime.

Anytime.

Rachel is the one that you can take out to the ocean.

I was going to say, I think your legacy on this episode will be your tough but fair stance on space and the ocean.

That's right.

Fuck them both.

That's my stance.

Fuck them both.

No.

Well, thank you.

Thank you, April.

Thanks.

Pleasure.

And come back to America as soon as you can.

Things are shaping up.

Hurry up.

Hurry up.

Thank you, April.

April.

Some of these days,

you'll miss me, honey.

Some of these days.

What's up, doll heads?

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