681 - The Abernathy Boys - live

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You're listening to the dollop!

Woo!

It's an American history podcast where each week I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American history to my

best friend, Gareth Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is going to be about.

Woo!

Woo!

U.S.

Come on.

Yeah, go on.

Just read the date.

We're in.

We're already in.

It's illegal to backtrack.

Three, two, Dave.

Go.

Ah.

Fuck.

January 1904.

Year of our Lord.

J Town.

That's right.

J-Town has a new

deck coming out.

If you want to get a new deck for your boards.

What?

Skateboards.

It's got a new deck coming out.

Leave my personal space now.

No,

yeah, I'm good.

I don't know.

Got some proverbs on it.

Good.

Good.

Alleluia.

Permission to treat the co-hosts as hostile.

Permission denied.

Permission granted.

I got it.

Thank you very much.

the mic just stuck to my other mic look at that

I got it that's fucking this is how I'm gonna start doing these from now on you know Dave it's so crazy because when it the way it used to be is vastly different but sometimes there's some similarities that's insane that's a strong ass magnet that we have there on our uh yeah still recording teddy roosevelt was in the white house with friends Bears bears

and he was discussing hunting which I'm sure he would 95% of the time when he's in the White House.

Yeah.

Teddy signed the bill.

You know, pheasants are faster than you'd think.

I don't.

I have.

I'm also slow.

He was discussing hunting when one said,

Mr.

President, I know a man down in Oklahoma territory who hunts and catches wolves with his hands.

Oh fuck, This is.

I'm speaking of none other than catch-em-alive Jack Abernathy.

Well, okay.

Saying that to him,

that would be like saying to Trump, there's a glory hole in the Lincoln bedroom,

or saying to Biden, there's a pudding room,

or saying to Obama, Frenzazan.

Gareth.

T.

Gareth.

Tea.

T.

Everywhere.

So, Teddy then told his friend to set up a hunt with catch-em-alive Jack Abernathy.

Oh, my God.

He's catching wolves

with his hands.

I'm aware of it.

Fuck me.

I feel like wolves could outrun him, so there has to be another.

We didn't say he chased them and caught them.

I didn't say he could outrun a wolf.

I said he'd catch it with his hands.

So, what?

He shoots it and then grabs it?

No, I didn't say that either.

You know, if you have a gun, it's technically using your hands.

It's not a gun.

No, no weapons of any kind.

This is one of those riddles where it's like the guy wakes up in the hospital and you know, it's like he's got an empty backpack.

And everyone's like, how did he fall so far?

It's like the parachute fell out.

But we're in the part where it's like the backpack's empty and he's on the gurney.

You're trying to trick it.

No, no, no, no, no.

You're trying to trick us.

And it's working.

Does anybody know what's happening right now?

We all do.

You know, Dave.

Jack would catch wolves and sell them to zoos.

He had started working on a cattle ranch when he was seven, riding with cowboys at 11.

and at 15 a wolf attacked his dog and he fought it off with his bare hands.

So he's punching him.

And that is how he learned to catch wolves with his bare hands.

So what?

He's throwing dogs in front of him and then just

Lure!

Come here, boy!

So a hunt was set up with the president in April 1905 at the big pasture in Comenchiland.

Jack was friendly with many, many, many Native Americans.

Oh, I'm going to say the name wrong.

They call him catches with wolves.

These are not great jokes.

But you deserve it.

You could do a little more.

You could help.

You know what?

I think a little giggle would go a long way.

They'd be like, oh, that was okay.

But I feel like you're not listening to the story, and your brain is just going, come up with Indian names.

First of all, I am, there's not much to the story so far other than how the fuck did he do it.

I'm going going to say his name wrong because I said his name wrong in the whole episode we did on him.

Quinah Parker?

Quanah?

Quinah?

A room full of white people.

Quanah people afraid to correct another white people.

I'm sure there's some two or three not white people in here.

We have a white audience because

we're a deeply racist.

Over there!

Hello, non-white.

How are you?

Correct, Dave.

So, Jack and Teddy were early risers.

So, when they were out on the trip, they spent a lot of time alone together in the mornings, and they became good friends.

This is crazy.

And then, he's the sitting president.

Yeah.

Okay.

And then the day came, and they spotted a wolf, and Jack took off after it on his white Arabian horse that was named Sam Bass.

They chase on the horse, and once close,

Jack jumps off the horse and lands on the wolf's back.

Jesus Christ,

so dangerous.

Even if you beat up a wolf because you are rescuing your dog, I still don't think you should be like, I got this.

Like, for him to get to this point.

Well, wait, you haven't heard the magic part yet.

And then Jack shoves his gloved hand into the wolf's mouth to keep it from closing.

He's fisting a wolf.

And the wolf's like,

no wolf has ever encountered that before.

At no point in his little wolf babyhood is the mama wolf like, don't let him put a fist at your throat.

He has no fucking, he's like, not ready for this.

Oh my god.

He has no defense for that.

No defense.

No, no, he's dying.

So it can't get the fist out, and that's it.

Then he just ties the jaws shut, pulls the fist out, catches another the same way a day later, after chasing that wolf for two and a half miles.

Teddy, quote, this beats anything I've ever seen.

And I've seen a great deal.

When you get your hand free, I want to shake it.

Look,

even with what we have going on today, if you saw this, you'd be like, I've never seen anything better than that, but that is unbelievable.

That's the craziest thing I've ever seen.

Yeah.

Holy shit.

Wow.

Unreal.

So, because he's so awesome at this kind of shit, Teddy appoints Jack as the U.S.

Marshal of the Western District of Oklahoma Territory in 1906.

Well, he really knows what he's doing, obviously.

Yeah, I mean, the guy knows how to catch a wolf.

So it's important.

He traveled a lot for the job.

Sometimes he would go to DC and Jack and his wife, Jesse Pearl, had six kids.

Four girls, two boys.

That's how many kids they had.

That's a lot.

But then Jesse died of Bright's disease in 1907.

Of Bright's disease?

It's kidney shit.

Oh, okay.

You should have known that because that's happened a lot on this podcast.

And every single time you say the same thing.

Every time.

Maybe it's time for you to give a really clear answer.

I promise to forget it again.

Jack.

Jack spent a lot of time entertaining his kids with stories of traveling and going out in the wilderness and whatnot.

And one day his boys, Bud,

Bud?

Beach?

Bud.

Okay.

Name Lewis, but nickname Bud.

Bud, who was nine, and Temple,

who was five,

the five-year-old,

decided they wanted to take a journey on their own.

Oh, no.

So in June 1909, they began planning a trip to Santa Fe, New Mexico.

How old again?

Five and nine.

And currently they're living in.

Oklahoma City.

Okay.

Well,

we did that drive.

Yeah, no.

I think we saw a temple on the side of the freeway.

I think we did.

They make a map.

They make a map.

They drew a map.

How is he going to get there?

From someone else's map?

No, you got to make your own.

A nine- and five-year-old making a map?

Yes.

You're not going to end up in New Mexico.

They made a map.

All right.

Sure.

Keep going.

And they show it to Jack, and he is shocked, but he doesn't dismiss the idea outright.

Right, good.

Well, his wife has just passed away.

He's going through a lot of trauma.

He's a wolf puncher.

Yeah, so he's

quote: Boys, this is not an easy ride.

I'll tell you what.

Let me think about this, and I'll let you know tomorrow.

The oldest one's nine.

I'm going to sleep on it.

Because, you know, they're

pretty grown up.

The next day, he wakes up and he says.

He's not just going to say, yeah.

I mean, yes, sir.

siri.

What I love is I looked at this one first and I was like, what does the nine-year-old look like only to see the five-year-old?

So he got the Meach bank accounts and put $100 in it and they got checkbooks.

How long are they?

Well, it took us...

It took us how long?

Nine hours to drive?

Yes.

Okay, so they're going to be on horses.

I'm still flagging the idea that this is happening a lot.

What are you going to do?

Say no to your kids?

Yeah.

Oh.

It's interesting.

That's exactly what you do.

It's interesting.

You go,

boys, listen, I thought about it a lot, but you're nine and five, and you'll die, and I love you.

Your mom just died, so no.

Maybe in 10 years you guys could go.

19, 15, that's pretty good.

You guys could go do that then.

If you don't do this, even if I put money in your bank account, neither of you will be coming back.

So you're just going to stifle their creativity at a young age.

I am.

Yeah, I'm going to be a parent.

I'm going to step in and be like,

that's why.

Yeah, you know what?

You don't get to go swim with a plugged-in radio.

You know, I know it seems like a great idea, but here's the deal.

There are actual rules to society and your age.

There was a guy where I grew up who, when he was 16, he wanted to go to Yemen, and his parents were like, Greg, go and find yourself.

And he went to Yemen.

And, I mean, he ended up in the American Taliban.

He's the American Taliban.

He's a bad guy.

But he did find himself, and then later on he went over to Afghanistan and fought.

I think

best case scenario is these kids end up in the Taliban.

I think it falls short of that.

Okay.

Yeah.

He had them take a test trip.

He's not crazy.

Test trip.

All right, go to Arizona and come back, and then we'll see what you're made of.

Look, this is why a mother,

he needs a second parent.

You can't have a wolf puncher being in charge of the purse of the family.

Well, let's go ask our dad who hits wolves with the president.

Yeah, it's a good idea.

You guys should do it.

What took so long?

You've been walking for three years now.

Get going.

Christ.

I guess I'm just more of an optimist than you.

Yep, absolutely.

Yep.

It's a long walk.

So

they live in Guthrie.

Where's Guthrie?

Is it near here?

Guthrie?

No?

Okay.

So they take it.

So the test trip is from Guthrie.

I don't know if an audience has ever not wanted to answer a question more.

Why did that pain everyone?

People are like,

come on.

Come on, come on, come on.

They're going to go from Guthrie to Tipton and back.

Okay.

No idea where those are, but it's going to take a four-day, it's a four-day trip.

So they did it.

They did fine.

So Jack tried, they come back and he tries to talk them out of going to Santa Fe, but they're pretty set on it.

They're nine and five.

You don't

talk.

You don't talk about it.

You go, no.

No, then they're like, yes.

Ah, well, shit.

I guess I'm outvoted by two children.

Okay, go.

Damn it.

Wish your mom was here so I could have a tie.

What are you going to do?

So the day that they're going to leave, he said to him, quote, don't push your horses.

And then he said, bud, carry this with you.

And above all, both of you say say your prayers at night.

And he gave them a Bible.

Let's grieve them now.

Bud rode Sam Bass, and Temp was on Geronimo, which was a half-Shetland pony.

Jesus Christ.

Now, Gareth, Temp is five,

so that's pretty big.

So

he couldn't just mount the horse.

He would have to climb up on something like a porch or fence and then get on the horse.

And to dismount, he had to do the same thing.

But

if there isn't anything like a porch or a fence, he would slide down Geronimo's left front leg.

Like when you're.

It's not an awe.

Don't.

What are you?

No.

No.

No.

No, it's a no.

No.

Oh, that's cute.

He's going to probably die from horse trampling.

There's no stump around here.

Well, you know what to do.

Ride his leg.

It's gonna be fine.

If these fucking kids die,

if they die, I'm gonna blame you.

Even though you're just reading it.

You've been pushing it the whole time with your little agenda.

Because they're two young kids, people would take them in at night and feed them.

People would be like, oh, two little kids.

Because most people,

most people at that time would take you in if you stopped by at a house.

They feed you.

So now it's two little kids.

So they're like, yeah,

I get that.

Yeah.

I do get that.

But also, tremendous amount of, I mean, there probably are more psychos now, but I mean, that is still crazy.

Yeah.

You know, there's, I mean, there's got to be like, oh, cool.

Kids.

Oh, my God.

Thank you, Lord.

Yeah.

Today the Lord sent me two boys.

Is one of them just like on a horse's leg?

No, he doesn't ride it like that.

He slides down the horse.

He doesn't hold on to the leg.

So what does he do if he hit?

What is he?

He's not four.

He's five.

What does he do if he needs to mount the horse and they're in the middle of nowhere and there's nothing like that?

You've got to climb up.

I just honestly don't see him out.

Okay.

All right.

You scale it.

You scale the horse.

Sure.

It's half pony.

Oh.

On the second day, it was very hot, so Temp drank a lot of the local water.

Oh, God.

What does that even mean?

Local water.

Well,

the local, the streams, whatever.

Yeah, it definitely means it's got a problem in it.

It had gypsum in it.

It had gypsum in it?

Which causes diarrhea.

What?

But it's gold nuggets?

Great.

Oh, that's good.

We'll get him on a horse's leg while he's bleaky.

Quote, bud forced a big dose of foul-tasting castor oil down my throat.

I can't help.

I can't help.

I know that they were like, castor oil helps everything, but that just greases you up more.

Look, are we drinking it on the regular now?

So, you know what I mean?

No.

RFK is like bringing that back for sure.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what?

The one thing you got to do is just pound castor oil.

Steak and shake is now serving pure castor oil.

But it only made things worse.

Consequently, I had to get down off Geronimo every two minutes all day long.

Well, there weren't enough fences for him to get back up.

One time I slid down Geronimo's front leg so fast that I sprained both my ankles.

So I really had to go, I guess.

Bud is the elder?

Bud is the one who gave him castor oil.

Right, but so he's the older brother.

Temp is the one who has the diarrhea.

Okay, right.

So Temp's the younger one, though.

Yeah.

Okay, right.

So the youngest one has the diarrhea, which is great.

And two sprained ankles.

Yep, now, yeah, of course.

But who hasn't sprained their ankles from diarrhea?

Good lord.

Every time.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

It's tough.

If you're sprinting.

That's the things they say.

If you have diarrhea, dehydration and sprained ankles.

Yep, absolutely.

You want that.

Yep.

So they kept moving, and then, you know, they came to a desert, nothing but cactus and tumbleweeds.

Oh, good.

That's where we probably saw the guy.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Yep.

In Silverton, people had heard about them, and so a crowd gathered to ask them questions when they came into town.

And he still has the shits?

Quote, Bud told them about the jip water, which got me pretty riled up.

So

they rolled.

Well, I mean, they are, he is nine, so they rolled into town, and he tells them the diarrhea story.

Oh, my God, it's the boys from the oh my god, I can't believe it's the boys.

My brother can't stop pooping, he drinks jip water.

Oh, come on, why are you gonna tell me about that?

That was our secret.

Yeah, my horse has poop all over its leg.

Yeah, it was mine.

And he sprained his ankles because he had to poop so much.

Oh, come on,

I got a reputation to uphold.

I mean,

yeah, I think exactly like that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Imagine being five and having,

not outside of riding a horse on your own to New Mexico, which is obviously fucking ludicrous, but to have the humility to be like, oh, come on, I'm embarrassed.

Well, you don't want to hear people.

No one.

But he's in a different world.

But

no one wants, it doesn't matter what time period you're in.

Nobody wants to be be like this guy had diarrhea.

Nobody wants to be.

Imagine being five.

Do you remember being five years old with diarrhea?

I don't.

Yeah, I do.

Well, that's fucking crazy.

I mean, I don't know what to tell you.

Must have been fucking biblical because

to remember five-year-old diarrhea is crazy.

In the chapter of the book of my diarrhea, there is not one chapter where it's five.

And if it is, it's like in the middle right before the pictures.

Yeah, no, five.

The first chapter is, I'm five.

Here we go.

Sir, all right.

Pony up.

So next they ride into New Mexico.

And they're fucking there?

Yeah.

I cannot tell what is happening anymore.

We started on a wolf puncher with the president.

Now we got these two boys.

They made it.

So they spent the night in a roofless, abandoned adobe.

The next day, scorching hot.

Their canteen water was like boiling hot, so it didn't like refresh them.

Tim, quote, I'd resigned myself to just dying in the desert.

Okay, can we just admit that the dad made an awful decision?

No.

Yes.

They're learning about life.

They should be dead.

They absolutely should be dead.

Life is not easy, and they're learning that.

Oh, my God.

I mean, is he not worried?

Is he not dead at home?

Like, boy, that was fucking crazy.

I mean, I'm sure.

I'm sure he's worried, but he's also, you know, busy putting his fist down wolves.

Yeah, I I guess he's got a job.

And then Bud saw a buggy in the distance.

So they run across a traveling salesman in the middle of the desert.

And he gives them water, and he tells them there's a nearby watering hole.

It ain't chip water, is it?

Because this one.

My brother can't have it.

I can for some reason, but oh boy.

Goes right through it.

Yeah, he just ends up making chip water himself.

So they go to the water hole, and that night they sleep by the water hole.

And they're surrounded by wolves.

This is the final time to see if it's nature versus nurture.

Let's fucking cook.

He just puts his fist in it, and the wolf just swallows him all.

Oh, no!

Timple!

Got him!

And they would have to keep stoking the fire.

And to do that,

Bud would hold the shotgun and shoot it.

And then

Temp would go grab some wood while the wolves were scared to put on the fire.

And sometimes he'd just shoot the shotgun to scare the wolves away.

And then they just the wolves would come back and be like, yeah, but that was their night.

Cool.

Just normal five-year-old stuff.

The next day they rode into Roswell where once again everyone was waiting for them.

They stayed that night with the newspaper editor.

Oh they stayed several days with the newspaper editor and then when they moved on they were caught in a storm and that night they had to spend the night in a cave.

The next day they get out and they're heading on their way and then

They see a herd of donkeys, but they're lady donkeys.

And there's one Jack there and he sees them and he's like, Fuck you.

And he chases the boys because he wants to keep him away from his herd of lady donkeys.

Sure.

We've all been there.

So the Jack chases

Temp, and Temp

is getting away, and the Jack is trying to bite him.

So they both flee, and then in the escape, they get away from it eventually, but now they're lost.

They don't know where they are.

Okay.

They're off their drawn map.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

It's like a map you would find at like

an islands restaurant.

Like a little map for the kids.

Like, there's the treasure.

I got there with my crayon.

They're like, look at that.

Like, we're way off course.

Where the fuck are we?

Well, they're in Navajo country.

Okay.

We're not really excited about white people.

Oh.

So

they're a little scared.

And then they realize that the previous day when they were in town, they forgot to buy food how the fuck

I know they're nine and five

So I'm not trying to youth shame, yeah,

but you are also out on your own trying to get to New Mexico on horses alone.

Yeah, yeah forgetting food seems stupid.

Well, they didn't forget candy, so that's what they ate that night

You know why literally my dream is happening.

I can't tell where I am at anymore.

But that's because they're nine and fives.

Yeah, of course.

Don't forget all the food groups.

I got peppermints, a vegetable.

The next day, when they rode into Vaughan, they got their food.

And then two more days, they were in Santa Fe.

What the fuck?

So they made it.

This is shocking.

Yes.

By the way,

they've aged up.

Yeah, and he went through it all.

Yeah,

he's got a son with him.

This is my boy, Tim Jr.

The governor was a former rough rider who knew their father.

Sure.

And he wires Jack and says, quote, the kids are here and fat as pigs.

Come on out.

So Jack.

Gets on a train and he gets there.

He says he's very proud of them.

Yeah, I get being proud of them.

Yeah, especially when he heard about the wolves in the water hole.

Like, that's exciting.

But without question, child services should be waiting for him at the train station.

Where are my boys?

Can we talk to you here real quick?

Your boys are fine, Jack, and that's the good news.

Against all odds, they're fine.

Huh?

And where are they?

That night they had a little get-together, and the boys sang, not no one.

As someone played piano it had the lyric Jesus knows all about our struggles

Temp accidentally pronounced that shuggles and everyone laughed because he's five he's five he's five

years old oh his tongue should catch up with his brain he just rode a horse from Oklahoma

well here's the exciting thing they're gonna ride back I was thinking about that and that had crossed my mind at some point that they have to go back.

This would be a perfect opportunity for Jack to be like, that was awesome.

Boys, it's a lot.

I don't think you should do the ride back.

Because let me tell you why.

Nobody would be telling this story on a show in the future unless it was fucking nuts.

So as they prepared to leave, the governor...

How long are they chilling before they go?

They're chilling for like a week or so.

A week.

Oh, my God.

I went to soccer camp for two weeks, and I was like, I'm in in hell.

All right, we should get going.

I want to get back before I'm 10.

So they're getting ready to leave and the governor asks if they have a gun.

And

what are you, cop, you got to tell us if you are.

We're not taking bullshit from nobody, mister.

My dad will punch through your throat until it comes out your asshole.

Damn, chill out, boy.

Sorry.

We got tight knapsacks and no room for bullshit in them.

You have to excuse my brother.

He's become a bit gruff on the road.

Ah!

Bud said, yep, shotgun.

And the governor asked, would you use it against a man if you had to, bud?

Hey, can we...

Can you come here real quick?

Do you have kids?

Come here.

Let me sidebar with you real quick.

I'm just making small talk with the boys.

Now, if you killed him, would you eat his brain if you had it?

What if it tasted real good and I gave you a pot you could cook it in?

What if I told you when you eat a man's brain, you know everything he does?

Would you find that strange?

Would you buy it?

What if I said this?

I'm going to come with you, boys, huh?

Huh?

Come on.

No shirt.

I'll just putting it on a horse the whole way.

What do you think, huh?

Bud said,

well, dad told me if someone came at us to draw a bead on him and tell him to stop or else.

And what if he didn't stop?

He told me to protect Temp and myself, so I guess I pulled the trigger if I have to.

And the governor said, that's good, bud.

Shoot that motherfucker.

Bud, let's take that bag of step.

If you just see a person, I want you to blow his fucking head off.

Holy fuck.

So Jack rode with them to Vegas, and then he hopped on a train.

Bye, boys.

I know it's without the Vegas of today.

All right, boys, I'll leave you in Vegas.

Don't worry, you got this.

So the boys have to go through the mountains, and while they're doing that, they come across a camp of men who are branding cattle from the mountains, as men are prone to do.

This is like a boyhood odyssey.

So these guys take in the boys and they feed them and they got like a little cabin and everyone sleeps on the floor.

Cool.

And the next day they leave and they're following the Canadian River.

American River now.

Nice try, Canada.

Yeah.

You had a good run, but shut the fuck up.

We saw what you did and we don't care for it.

Not a bit.

A lot of entitlements.

So at some point the boys see some cowboys following them, but the cowboys are like keeping their distance.

And then a sandstorm hits.

And they can't see anything.

Bud has lost his goggles, so Temp loans him his goggles.

So Bud can lead them through the sandstorm.

Look, again.

Go ahead.

Well, it's just, I didn't realize they had goggles.

And now

it's just a little stranger that there's two complete children with land goggles on.

Do you know why he lost his?

Why?

He's nine.

Yep.

He's nine years old.

No, no, no.

Absolutely.

Very valid.

He's a nine-year-old child.

Yeah, without question.

You forget stuff like that.

Kids forget a lot of stuff.

That's probably why you don't put them on solo missions to go to New Mexico and back.

Through the mountains.

Well, I guess I want my boys to grow up weak.

Come Gareth Reynolds.

By the way, if I was a parent, I'd be very inclined to be like, go, go, go.

All right.

Summer of me.

So they got to get through the sandstorm.

They can't see anything.

So Bud puts on the goggles so he can guide them, and he's like holding on to temp, and they're just kind of stubbling through the storm.

And then they just happen to come across a building.

This is fucking crazy.

And it's a livery stable.

And so they put the horses in, and then it's a town, and they stay in the town, and the next day when they get up, the sandstorm is cleared, and it's just three buildings.

That's the town.

So they just, I mean, essentially they're alive.

The map is right!

I knew there'd be a town here.

This is crazy.

So they finally get back to Oklahoma, and Jack meets them outside Oklahoma City, and they all ride in together, and everyone's excited.

There is a marching band, a big procession.

People are lined the streets.

Flag waving fire trucks.

There, it's ringing its bell.

The mayor asks them to speak.

Please.

Please.

Why don't we start with the five-year-old speech?

Speech, five-year-old.

Well,

Temp gets on top of the fire truck

and his speech.

A lot of motherfuckers didn't think we could pull this shit off.

So to all my haters,

why don't you kiss me where the jip water comes out of?

Pow pow, bing, bong.

Yeah.

So Temp gets on top of the fire truck, and this is his speech.

I love fire trucks.

Boom, this could stare.

What the?

What?

What the fuck is he talking about?

It's because he's five.

Still, we came all the way.

I took off work.

News speech.

I also love Fireman.

Green.

So some people are shocked.

At.

Well, they're horrified that two boys rode to Santa Fe.

Oh, man.

That's such.

That is so good to hear that there are some people like, wait, what are we celebrating?

What's going on?

Wait, we're happy about this?

We're having a parade for...

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Arrest that man.

They did it.

This is the story of America.

That's crazy.

That one is five.

I know.

That's why you should be arrested.

He just stopped wearing diapers.

Am I crazy?

Here he is giving a speech on a fire truck.

Yeah, so a woman

at Tamp.

A woman yells at Tamp, asking him where his mother is and how she could allow this.

And he's like, My mother is dead.

Well, this event is not great anymore.

Let's all go home and think about how bad we all handled today.

So then the woman hugged Temp,

and she then said, His dad was crazy.

Stop talking.

They made it, didn't they?

Was there a third?

I feel like there was a third on the journey.

Okay, yeah, just the two.

Thank God.

So that night at home, Jack showed the boys a letter that was written with bullet lead on a brown paper sack.

Come here, boys.

I want to make this experience even fucking crazier.

Just to ensure you're totally damaged.

I'll show you the one written in blood later.

So the cattle camp, where the guys were branding

for cattle.

Yeah.

They were wrestlers.

And

Jack had recently been in a shootout with them.

And so they wrote this on a brown paper sack with bullet lead.

Quote, don't like one hair on your head, but I do like stuff that is in these kids.

We shadowed them to the worst parts of New Mexico to see that they were not harmed by sheepherders, mean men, or animals.

And Jack said,

that means that there is good in all men and that most people are willing to lend a hand.

So the boys are not home long.

Sure.

This is what I thought was going to happen.

What?

Well, they've now gotten the taste.

So you can't go back to being like five and nine again.

They love the trout.

You can't go back to school and just be like,

so what did everyone do this summer?

Well, my mom and I built a pool and I was swimming it all summer.

What about you boys?

We fucked America up.

If America was a wolf, we put our fists in it.

What?

Yeah, they can't go back to normal life now.

Well, they asked their dad if they can ride to New York City.

New York City!

It's not a crazy ask.

Yes, it is.

Yeah, no, no, no, Dave, Dave.

No, no, no, Dave, Dave.

Dave, Dave, Dave.

You're in too deep, buddy.

No, no, Dave, Dave.

This is called deprogramming, and you need it.

It is a crazy ask.

No, because they are nine and five, my bud.

There's a reason.

Buddy, I'm trying to help you here.

There's a reason.

Because they are damaged beyond repair.

Teddy.

Their father father has failed them.

The mother is not in the picture.

Teddy is, yeah, sure.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

Honestly, the way you were looking there, Dave.

That's me.

Thank you very much.

Thanks, man.

Appreciate it.

What's your name again, sir?

Roscoe's a comedian here.

You should come and see him.

He's very funny.

And then for those of you who paid for the meet and greet, Roscoe is going to beat Luke up after the show.

So that could be.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Someone's gonna put the fist in the wolf tonight.

Just liquid death shoots out of Luke.

Oh!

Roscoe just shotgunned Luke.

All right, it's not crazy because...

Teddy

is on a safari in Africa and he's coming back after, because when he did safaris in Africa, they were like a year.

So it's coming back.

Why is the president?

He's not the president anymore.

He's off president.

Okay.

And Jack had planned to be there to meet, because everyone's, it's like a big thing.

He's coming back.

He's going to come into New York.

Sure.

There's going to be a big parade for him.

There better be a detail in here that makes the kids going there alone not crazy because we haven't heard it yet.

And so, what a better idea than to have the kids there?

No, no, no, no, no.

You got.

And they've proven they can make it to Santa.

By the way,

your line of thinking is is like as good as a five-year-old's map of the country.

How you got there, that doesn't make any sense.

I let Finn take one of those kid Ubers once because he had to get something.

Uber kid is like the worst thing I've ever heard.

Is that fucking real?

It's the same thing as this.

Uber kid?

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

I never saw my boy again.

Every dad's just Liam Neeson now.

I mean, he was 14 and I married him carry a machete.

All right.

There's a reason why we don't use personal lives on this show, and I think you're letting that leak out a little bit.

But that's still no reason for them to go horseback.

Are they going horseback?

Are they going horseback?

Yeah.

Are they drawing a map again?

Of course they are.

How is they getting?

Are they still nine and five?

They're still nine.

I think he might be six when they start.

He's getting younger.

Oh, no.

Okay, yeah, the five-year-old.

Okay.

I thought maybe he went through some sort of wormhole on the journey or something like that.

He might be five still.

Okay, all right.

Yeah, by the way, that's not the one who I was hoping had a birthday.

Ten, once we hit double digits, there's maybe a modicum of like, you know, that makes a little more sense.

The one is six.

Six isn't terrible just because five

traveling age.

No, it isn't.

Nowhere has that been established by

six is the year when they're like, time to hit the road.

Well, six, it's your travel birthday.

We'll see you when you're eight

all right go to winnipeg bye-bye it's like the amish when you when you get older and oh yeah go out and do it your year of uh it's your rum springer it's your rum springer except that in this case a six-year-old absolutely i tried methamphetamine on my journey

what i was on a rum springer

so they they uh they harassed jack they really got to work like it's like when the simpsons when they when they're like can i get a what is it can i get a they keep asking him for

can we yeah can we go dad can we do they want to go somewhere are we there yet no no they're asking if they can go somewhere like can we go there can we go and he was like yes okay you can

um so it's a 2 000 mile journey

if you're australian that's 3 00 200 kilometers okay and they're gonna go by themselves as they as they should now let me tell you we shush when we drive a lot

And let me tell you, when you enter the address in Ways and you see 2,000 miles, you go, oh, fuck this is gonna suck

oh my god that's driving you know what I usually think though no don't no you don't I wish I was five

anytime that comes up you could just ride horses there

wish I was five and on a half pony

without ways

well we're completely lost

I don't know where we are at all here.

We are nowhere near New York.

We're going to die out here.

Yeah, it is true.

I guess at this point, there's probably roads and paths.

But to draw, it's incredible.

Not that hard, because there's not a lot of places, so you just do a line.

That's not great news that there's not a lot.

So you're me and they're like,

I'm six, and you're like, you're going to go from Oklahoma City to New York City.

Then I just jumped into Oklahoma City here, and I go, woo!

And then New York.

And then Jack just looks at that, and he's like, boy, you guys have really done your homework.

That is exactly where you're going.

And that's where we are.

Holy shit.

We've got a little Lewis and a baby Clark.

Daddy, I drank more chip water last night.

Well, I don't really care.

May as well have a ghost dad at this point.

Why don't you just drink some gold?

Who gives a shit?

We had five, so we could let two go.

So for the trip, they got new boots and hats and saddles and blankets.

They got bedrolls.

They had bacon.

Bacon?

Yep.

Sure.

Road bacon.

Absolutely.

That's what you did back then.

So they have to go into Indian territory, which would scare most people.

But Jack knew tons of Native Americans because he is the guy who puts his fist down wolves' throats.

Sure.

That's really coming in handy.

And so they stop at Quanel Parker's house first,

and they're treated like celebrities.

Everybody loves them.

They go to Arcadia, and the sheriff is waiting for them, and he's their escort and their guide.

In hominy, they met Deputy Wiley Haynes, who would work with Jack.

So they're meaning.

What is the distance between...

It doesn't matter.

Yeah.

Because

it's what happens in your heart.

No, but we're talking tremendous distances in between these places.

Yes.

Okay, great.

Sure.

They're just.

I mean, we drove from Oklahoma City to Tulsa.

It's fucking horrendous.

It's like

an hour and a half for them.

It would have been a fucking day, right?

Like, that's like.

Eating bacon.

I have some more bacon.

Thank God we have nine pounds of bacon for the journey.

I have diarrhea.

Well, this is cured.

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So, this guy, Wiley Haynes, is, he used to be one of Jack's deputies.

And while they're there, they go out the next morning, and Geronimo is down.

Geronimo's down?

Oh, no.

He's foundered.

He's what?

Foundered.

Oh, no.

He's foundered.

Our worst fears are coming true when a horse gets.

Go ahead and tell everybody what it is.

It's the opposite of lostered.

That's right.

That's right.

Does anybody, a horse person here, want to tell us what a...

Is anyone a centaur?

Dave's asking.

It just goes down, but there's more to it, right?

It's like

it can't go anymore.

It's like done as a horse.

Like, it's like when your carburetor blows or whatever.

Is that the right thing?

Without question, the hardest that can be done.

That guy knows cars, and his brain just fucking exploded.

When your fucking carburetors don't blow you, California fuck.

You blow my California carburetor.

He's crying.

He's laughing.

He's crying.

This guy cannot believe it.

Sir, what do you do for work?

Not this.

A crazy answer.

All right.

I think we know who's shitting their pants tonight.

We found our chair shitter.

Holy shit.

That's so good.

It just laughed so hard.

Oh, my God.

Trying to be a man.

Your carburetor blows up.

He is going to tell his friends for a year.

And then this son of a bitch is up on stage.

He's talking about a horse fighter.

And he's like, look when the carburetor blows.

And all his buddies are like, what the fuck?

Did you storm out?

This show does sound funny.

I listened to an episode and it wasn't.

But that's a good bit.

So it's like when the engine goes out on a car.

Goes out?

What the fuck?

Then your horse doesn't work anymore.

He's like, you're closer, but still a fucking

They can recover.

Often they don't.

But basically,

he can't do the fucking journey.

Sure.

But he's not dead.

They don't put him down.

No, they put him on a train back.

They put him on a train?

Yeah, and he went back to Jack.

What?

I mean,

I'm all for it.

They put the horse on a train and sent him back to Oklahoma City.

See, unfortunately, he blew his eardrums with his laugh, so he can't even hear the show anymore.

Put it on a train.

Although, maybe that's just a lie they told, and they actually just killed him with a bat in a field.

I mean because

you don't want to be like the story shouldn't be like a six-year-old beat a horse to death in a field with a bat.

Say you maybe you paint a better picture for the audience.

Sure.

Well, it doesn't matter what you were trying to paint because now you talked about a six-year-old fist killing a horse.

All right.

He could have ice picked it.

You know exactly what he did.

The horse was just like this and he was like, poof.

Fisted.

And then it was just skeleton guts.

He put his fist in the horse and pulled out the horse's skeleton.

Yeah.

I'm sick.

Yeah.

Now you're zero horsepower.

I just blew his carburetor out.

No, shit.

So they paid $85 for a new horse.

Okay.

Wow.

Don't grieve.

All right.

They named him Wiley Haynes after the deputy because that's where they were.

Sure.

Wiley.

Confusing, but whatever.

And then they got back on the road.

Why wouldn't you?

Yep.

Get back on the horse again.

In Joplin, Missouri, a reporter

interviewed them, and they stayed with the mayor.

So they're like big shit now, wherever they go.

Yeah, right.

Like everyone knows about them.

Yep.

At one point in Union,

it's snowing and Tempest's so cold he can't get off his horse and has to be helped down.

So it's not all easy.

He froze to his horse.

I didn't think it was.

I'm afraid the children are going to pass away.

He froze.

He's freezing to death on his horse.

Yes.

What are you saying yes like that for?

Because he's a badass motherfucker.

You look up to a six-year-old.

He's ready for all.

He can handle all the shit you throw at him.

I don't know.

Water took him down.

Except a book or whatever.

But everything else.

Yeah, he got Giardia pretty bad from Riverwater.

In St.

Louis, they finally wired Jack and they say they're okay.

So they're full-on celebrities at this point.

Which is also unhealthy.

This is all unhealthy.

Oh, it's quite good.

But now they're also going from town to town and people are like, yay!

But isn't that the safest thing for them?

No.

For celebrities?

No.

No, I'm saying for the trip.

Or else some guy could

grab him

and put him in his child dungeon,

which is like half a New Jersey.

It's good that people are helping them, but they are.

None of this is good.

This is all unhealthy.

Well, wait till the end.

Oh, Jesus.

So

they get a car tour in St.

Louis, so it's the first time they've been in a car, and they're just complete.

They just love it.

They can't get enough of a car.

Oh, I'm glad Geronimo died.

They keep heading east.

Now, every town they go to, there are more people waiting to see them.

It's just bigger and bigger news.

Quote, apparently, folks were fascinated by two small boys riding across the country.

We didn't understand all the fuss.

Yeah, it's crazy.

They got another big tour in Cincinnati.

When do they get a wellness check?

Does that happen?

There they got to spend the night in a fire station.

And in the middle of the night there was a house fire and the fireman took them out to the fire.

Well sorry boys.

Sometimes we rescue people but you didn't see that one tonight.

That must have been horribly graphic for two young boys.

What were they screaming about?

They were trying to get help and we couldn't get to them.

What did that one lady say at the end?

Well, she was saying all the bad things she did because she felt she was going to see the Lord real soon.

Now,

what's y'all's favorite flavor of ice cream?

Who likes chocolate?

Who likes vanilla?

We only got two now.

Oh,

shit.

Woo!

In Dayton, Ohio, the police chief made them deputies and gave them small billy clubs.

Literally,

what is happening?

There you are, boys.

Would you like to beat a prisoner?

We only have one who's pending trial, but we're pretty sure he did it.

I mean, he's not even old enough to wear pants.

It's a pleasure to meet you, officer.

And then he gave him a billy club.

It's crazy.

I mean, they're small billy clubs.

Don't get me for the little officer.

They also got a tour of the Wright Brothers Factory by Wilbur Wright because that's where their factory was.

So that's fun.

Look at that.

So they're getting, this is a great time.

They had a little bit of trouble in Dayton because

they're trotting on their horses and a boy

runs up beside them and he keeps swearing at them.

Fuck.

You fucking shit fucking fucking asshole.

You're shitty assholes.

You fucking bitches.

Some people

fuck shit.

Sergeant Piss.

Sir Richard Piss on you fucks.

You're assholes.

You're dipshits.

And they tell him to stop.

Shut the fuck up.

I'll keep doing what I want.

First fucking amendment, you little bitch.

Shut up, you assholes.

He said they did.

They did.

They want to fight him.

They want to fight him.

Oh, fuck you.

You fight me.

I'll fight you.

And then he called them yellow-bellied.

You

apparently I don't have the worst mouth, actually.

You yellowbellies.

Then he grabbed Tem's boot and tried to pull him from the saddle.

Quote.

I've had diarrhea's bigger than you.

Quote, I gave him one sharp rap on the head with my billy club and he fell to the ground.

You're officially a cop.

Oh, Jesus.

That billy club came in so fucking handy.

And then the boy got up and ran away.

That moment is just going to be so awesome.

These things are great.

Boy, this is another memory that will haunt adult me.

What a terrible precedent for me.

My brain's still forming a lot.

It's going to be forming for another 20 years.

Yeah.

If I make it then.

After five weeks, they get to D.C.

and they go to the Raleigh Hotel where reporters are waiting.

One went up to their room with them while they bathed and changed.

Hey, I got an issue to talk about.

Are you going to want to guess what it is?

It's the reporter who talked to them while they were naked bathing.

That's awesome, boys.

I'm really doing a kind of an in-depth story.

You guys okay about getting the bath with you?

This is actually a podcast called Tubbin' with the Guest.

And I'm Uncle Larry, the host.

It's called Bath Time with Bubbles, and my name is Bubbles Johnson.

Who are your inspirations?

Besides your dad?

At some point,

an adult says this isn't okay.

At some point, Tem asked the reporter for his cigarette.

I am not surprised at all.

Gotta smoke?

What kind?

Yeah, that'll do.

I don't, I feel non-filtered.

I don't want any of that fucking crap.

You know where I could get some cocaine?

It's DC.

Let's get the party going.

These are good cigarettes.

I'm going to have them all.

What do you mean?

Sleep, bitch.

So the reporter says, no.

You can't have a cigarette.

And then Temp says, quote, oh, come on.

I never tried one.

Let me have a puff.

Well,

okay.

That's what he did.

He's like, all right.

Well, you make a good case.

Well, I guess your parents have completely abandoned you.

One because she passed away and the other because he stopped caring.

there you go

oh my god so

he takes one big inhale quote I coughed violently I was dizzy my eyes burned and I thought I might throw up any minute completely miserable I lay on the floor

well that's pretty much my first experience smoking and I smoked for like 40 years

I was like 11

first time I was like Jesus never again.

All right, I'll do one more.

And then he said he didn't want to go sightseeing with Bud, but Bud's like, well, I'm going.

So he got it together.

All right.

I'll try.

And then they met Taft.

Then they what?

They met Taft, President Taft.

After sightseeing for three days.

A bathtub, huh?

Boy, that's not a bad idea, boys.

President Taft, you're like 40 of me.

I'm going to have you thrown in Guantanamo Bay.

So they go to the White House.

They meet

in the Oval Office.

They talk for a bit.

Bud, quote, I asked him how the government was doing.

Stay out of my ass and I'll stay out of yours.

Hey, Taft, got a cigarette?

I can't do anything without my coffee and that in the morning.

Taff offered to get them on a cutter to greet Teddy when his ship came into the harbor.

And Temp said,

That's a bully idea.

And then they all laughed.

That's a

teddy catchphrase.

Teddy.

That's a bully idea.

That's so funny.

It's coming from a five-year-old who rode a thousand miles across the country.

They visited the Senate and House where they were asked to speak.

What's the difference?

What's the the difference?

Temp said, quote,

I'd like the Washington Monument.

And I'd like seeing Teddy's African animals and visiting the president.

I think this is the finest city in the East.

Right?

That's dropped the mic shit.

Well,

I still don't think it's a plan for democracy.

What I want to do.

Oh.

Oh.

Just walking around.

So then they ride from DC to New York, and that's just, that's a very populated area.

So it's like one big parade,

that whole journey.

And people are lining the streets, and they're cheering the whole way, and they're walking beside them, and they're asking them questions.

They're pretty overwhelmed because they're

five and not five.

Yeah, it's just absolute sensory overload.

And it's also super weird for adults to be like, I'm meeting my hero today.

He's five, you fucking loser.

Oh, boy.

What's it like to be so cool, Tim?

You're like 38.

I know.

I have nothing.

I have nothing.

Oh.

At 8 p.m., they arrived in Trenton, New Jersey, and a big crowd greeted them.

Oh, my God, it's like if Jipwater became an area.

Jack was there waiting for him at the hotel.

Oh, wow, what a dad.

Hey, boys.

You've got a babysitter.

The next morning, he went ahead in a car, though.

Hey, good to see you.

Good to see you, Tremp and the other one.

In Jersey, people line the streets cheering, and they took a ferry from Jersey City with their dad.

That's nice.

That is nice.

He's there for the glory.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, he's like, that was great.

Where are you boys going to go next?

You can't come home.

I turned your rooms into a gym and an office.

A huge crowd is waiting for him in New York City.

There's 17 mounted police.

The police chief escorts escorts them.

Cops have to clear a path through the crowd at the hotel.

Just fucking beat people.

Get out of the way!

There's a five-year-old coming through.

There's legends coming, you idiots.

People took souvenirs.

They yanked their hair out of the horses' tails, which made the horses jump.

Temp got angry and said, quote, the next one to try it is going to get my quirt.

His quirt?

Quirt?

Oh, that's a whip?

Yeah, he's going to whip somebody.

Oh, I thought that was the sound it made when he was climbing down the horse.

And then a woman, after he said that, reached up and yanked hair out of Temp's head.

Gotta get a souvenir.

Yeah, no.

Gotta get a souvenir.

She was listening, too.

That's cool.

And then a cop grabbed Temp and put him on his shoulders and walked him into the hotel.

Temp, once in the hotel, went down to the basement barber and had all his hair cut off.

So what's the deal here?

We're just done giving any parenting at this point.

It's fine.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's just like, whatever.

He got them this far.

I'm going to get a tattoo

on my Geronimo.

I'm going to get a spider on my face.

I'm going to get a whole spider on my face.

Well, that's a good idea, Temp.

I can't stop you.

Don't get a wolf, or I might put my fist through your mouth.

We're the best family ever.

We're our sisters.

You what now?

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit.

Oh, no.

I put him on a submarine a year ago.

I completely forgot.

The next morning, the lobby of the hotel is packed.

Outside, a newspaper boy showed them their picture on the front page, and Bud said, quote, I'm sick of seeing my picture in the paper.

Oh, so he's fucking jaded?

I'm sick of seeing my face in the paper.

Jesus Christ, I can't even get high anymore.

Netha gives me the fix.

I'm fully Robert Downey Jr.

I can't handle this.

They're over being celebrities.

They told their dad that they had ridden in a car and they begged him to buy one.

Go to the mayor's office.

Where would you want to drive it?

They go to the mayor's office.

There's a ton of reporters waiting for them.

They go to a Broadway show and the singer sings a song about them.

To hear that song.

Oh, God.

That would be the worst.

So on the day Teddy arrives, the entire city comes out.

They ride with Jack on the cutter to meet his ship.

And hundreds of ships are in the harbor.

They're blowing their horns and their whistles.

One ship does a 21-gun salute.

And then another one does a 21-gun salute.

And then another one does a 21-gun salute.

So it's just there's actually people.

There's an enemy flying over.

And this is

walk down.

We are officially at war.

We've been attacked.

Once on land, Teddy gave a speech, and people want him to run for president again, which he does do, but that's like, that's why they're all excited.

He greets the boys and Jack,

and then they ride their horses in the parade right behind Teddy's carriage and right ahead of the Rough Riders.

Jesus Christ.

So the parade is five miles long, and there's a million people.

Oh my god, it's insane.

At one point, someone yelled out, Bully for you, Teddy, and then thousands of people start yelling, Bully for you.

How does one person nobody was yelling before that?

That's a good idea.

Yeah, no, no one was.

People are just like,

Bully.

What a great idea.

Yeah!

Buddy!

This is hilarious!

So the plan is to take the train home.

They can't do that.

What are they going to do?

Sit there and play checkers?

It's crazy.

Well, they got the car bug,

and they start begging Jack to buy them a car.

Buy them a car?

And let them drive it back.

This is.

Okay.

Because.

I think I did mention that as a hypothetical lunatic thing to do.

There is no legal driving age as a.

Well, that's a crazy thing, too.

There's no legal driving age.

Isn't it insinuated that it would be like

25?

No.

No, obviously not.

If you can reach the pedals and the wheel, you're good to go.

They can.

You're good to go.

They also can't do that.

Jack says there's no car small enough.

Which is a great

reason.

I'm just waiting for how they figure out to put him in a car.

So for two days, they are looking all over New York for a car that was.

So Jack is not like, no,

sorry, boys.

Tech hasn't caught up with you.

He's like, there's no car big enough that we found.

We will.

That's right.

We're going to go on Caravana this afternoon and try to figure out what we can get for you.

Well, for two days, they are scouring New York, and every car is too big.

and they're all very large

and then

they see a kid

driving about bud's age in a very small car

and they run him down get in shithes

It's me.

It's you from the future

And it is called a brush automobile a brush automobile brush and it is much cheaper than most cars because it's small

and brush because if your children are in it, there'll be a brush with death.

Yes.

And he shows them the brush

store.

And the next day,

Bud Tess drives it.

Tess drives it.

So, what are you in town for?

Work or pleasure?

Just make four lefts and then we'll go back to the dealership.

30 minutes.

Don't blow the carburetor out.

30 minutes.

And then

he blows the car brain.

Shut up.

So for 30 minutes, it's the first time he's ever driven.

He drives for 30 minutes.

And he's like, I got this.

What a test drive.

And then Temp drives for 30 minutes.

Temp is driving?

What is, what?

I mean,

honestly, look, you have lulled me into the point where bud driving is, I'm working with it.

I'm going,

but fucking ever.

Let this fucking nine-year-old drive.

Temp was never driving.

In the version now where I had succumbed to the idea that this was going to happen, Bud is just sitting shotgun the whole time.

Or Bud is driving and Temp is sitting shotgun.

That's fair.

And now Temp is like, cool.

Well, you got to be sure, just in case something happens to Bud.

I don't think so.

I don't agree with you.

And then Jack buys the car for him.

Do you know what this is a story about?

The greatest dad ever?

Nope.

The worst father of all time.

If you're a kid, this is the greatest dad that's ever existed.

It is.

Absolutely.

And that's all that matters.

And then you, no, then you're an adult and you start doing therapy.

And you go, hey, you know what is better than fucking riding a horse from Oklahoma City to New York with my brother?

A hug.

Hugs are awesome.

A gift.

Him teaching me stuff.

Learning how to shave.

This is so much better than a hug.

No.

Yeah, for me, you says you.

That makes that track.

So

Jack buys himself also a luxury Maxwell E30 touring car.

So they're going to drive together.

He will drive behind him.

But Jack hired a chauffeur for his car so he could learn how to drive as they went.

Jack hired a chauffeur for the Bud Temp car.

No, for his car.

I can't fucking believe out of the two vehicles,

there's two vehicles going, one with literal children and one with a grown-ass wolf fister.

And he's hiring a chauffeur.

He's like, you know what?

Let's play it safe.

Let's get a chauffeur for the trip.

You're right.

Let the kids figure it out as they go.

I mean, the show, no, for my car.

The kids will drive theirs.

I like to drink a lot of alcohol.

So I'll probably get too shit canned to do any of the pedals and stuff.

Plus, I don't really want to learn.

Plus, I don't really want to see the kids.

So.

Well, with the chauffeur, he can learn as he goes.

The kids are.

The kids know they did it for them.

No, they don't.

They did it for like 30 minutes.

Yeah, there you go.

There you go.

30 minutes.

They're going.

As they drive out of the city, people are waving and calling their names.

Goodbye, forever.

Goodbye, forever.

Yeah, bully, bully.

I

cannot

fucking believe no windshield.

That's what goggles are for.

I can't believe Temp will drive.

Hey, Dad.

Yeah.

I don't know if, no, Dad.

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

I don't know if Temp should be driving.

He's real little.

Nah, he's alright.

Hey, Dad, you can sit up in this.

Yeah, I, uh,

your dad in love with a lady named Jin.

A new mom?

Yeah, I guess so.

I mean,

yeah, sure.

She's your new mom.

Okay.

I make love to her every night.

I'm the chauffeur.

What your dad's trying to say is

sometimes he has a crazy way of saying he loves you, boys.

But he

shut your fucking mouth.

You're not here to tell my boys about love.

You're here to drive.

Just shut up.

He's so glad you two are becoming best friends.

I will put my fist down your fucking mouth.

All the way through.

Sometimes to get to someone's heart, you have to go a circuitous route.

And you boys can draw a map for everything, but you probably can't figure out how to drive of yourself to your souls and figure out who you are.

But guess what?

If there's one thing we've learned, it's that love conquers all.

And maybe your dad can't say it to you because he, you know, he's drinks so much gin.

He just is drinking gin all day.

But he loves you boys.

And he's so gay.

I'm just trying to make sure you're not gay.

No matter what you feel or believe, that's okay with your dad.

When your mom died, your parents both left that day.

Who are you?

I'm the president of the United States.

Hey, hey, Bully!

So the first night they stop at a hotel and Tep is for some reason in the Maxwell with his dad and as they're stopping, he gets out before the car stops.

He rolls out.

He doesn't realize the car needs to stop, so he gets out.

He's a child.

Yeah, and then

Bud runs over him because Bud's in the car behind.

Not hurt, though, because they're high.

Look how high it is.

So he just kind of like it's a cartoon.

He just gets knocked down and then looks at the car going over him.

And then afterwards, Jack lectured him and said, You can't get out of the car before it stops.

What are you, six?

What are you literally a child?

How many times do I have to tell you, grown adults?

And Temp later said,

It was a dumb thing for me to do.

I fucked up.

So they drive across New York to Buffalo and then to Cleveland, and they wore goggles on dusty roads.

In Plainsville, Ohio, tons of people come out to see him.

More people than, quote, the last fire in town.

You have got to love the metrics of that city.

You know, more people came out for joy than tragedy this last week.

Every town they went through, people came out.

Temp drove sometimes.

Now, Temp drove even though his legs barely reached the pedals.

That's fine.

You don't need to be able to have those in your control.

Right.

They drove through Michigan and Illinois and Iowa and in Missouri, the Maxwell caught on fire.

And the...

Sharia, hold on.

Of all the things, I mean, okay, a fire.

Yeah, the car is on fire.

Do you think this will stop these two little Terminators?

Well, it's not.

They're in the other car, so no, it won't.

That's their dad's car.

Well, look, their dad's been dead for a while now.

Reality's just catching up with the emotional security.

I'm just letting you drive across the country so I can feel something.

Boy, he went right up.

Well, he was full of gin.

So

the dad and the chauffeur put it out using sand.

It still drives.

So on they went.

Even though it was, quote, practically ruined.

So they're driving.

It's the car from Plain Streams and Automobile.

Yeah, they're just driving a

firebird.

As they neared Oklahoma City, 20 cars came out to greet them and escorted them in, and people packed the sidewalks and streets, and family and friends.

It's just the amount.

amount.

I mean, we've covered this so many times.

The shit that got you out of your house to go greet.

I mean, it's just like literally anything happening.

You're like, we gotta get on each side of the street and enjoy this.

This is the biggest shit we'll see for the month.

So family and friends were waiting at a hotel for a luncheon.

They had driven 23 days, 2,512 miles.

That just tells me how long they were riding the horses before.

I know, right?

Yeah, I mean,

they have just been on the road so much.

They're invited a ton of places to give speeches.

Okay, you cannot.

This fame shit, this is like, I thought this was more of a recent trend where it's like, bring an influencer to give a speech.

And it's like, yeah, they got nothing to say.

No, they do because Jack got them speaking lessons.

Speech dad.

The Brush Car Company.

Oh, they were like, great.

Brush Car.

Only for kids.

They paid for them to go to a car show in New York and sit in a booth and talk about the car.

Do you know how much Teddy Roosevelt loved this?

He was just like, oh, yeah.

Bully.

Bully, bully, bully.

Like,

we are raising men.

This is the best best country.

Jack brought the two horses to New York on a train.

They had been offered parts in movies.

Who?

The horses?

No, the boys and the white horses are.

And the horse.

You can't get two fucking stand-in horses.

No, you got to have the actual horses.

We want to book your actual horses.

They're SAG AFTER ELGIL, correct?

Yes.

Well, we'll taft Hartley him.

He's standing right here.

Consider it signed.

That's an industry.

Yeah, that's it.

So then Jack gets into films, and he hired a Cameron

and a director and a writer, and they did a reenactment of The Journey.

They also did a movie about Jack's wolf hunts.

So Jack's getting into show-based a little bit.

Sure.

Our next film is called Avatar.

And then in July, they were offered the gig of riding an elephant and a donkey to Washington, D.C.

All right, Dave.

Dave.

Dave.

David.

I've never done this, but I'm going to have to ask you to stop.

That'll be, pig.

That'll be enough, pig.

That'll do.

That'll do, pig.

That'll.

I just...

This has, Dave, and I'm not kidding, this has to be the last one.

Because I can't I can't hear what's if there's there can't be anything after this There just simply can't be we're already in they're already human cartoons

Well, it's an elephant and a donkey because it's that's the Democrats and Republicans it's a race to predict who's gonna win the election and people fucking love it like what an amazing idea.

There are no pictures of this.

I could not well you know why?

Because both just meandered in useless directions and didn't get anywhere.

They just walked around sniffing each other's asses forever.

Now, weirdly enough, elephants aren't made to ride hundreds of miles.

So

when they got to Philly, the elephants' feet were too sore, and the Humane Society made them stop.

That is, out of everything, that might be the craziest thing in this story.

The Humane Society existed and stopped them.

Yeah.

So now the owners of Luna Park, which is an amusement park, issued a challenge.

Ride the elephant all the way.

For the boy, the boys to ride horses to San Francisco in 60 days.

Why are you putting a tie?

We have forgotten their ages.

And if they made it in 60 days, they would get $10,000.

This is so fucked up.

What is Jack?

Where's Jack?

Jack, they could take Sundays off.

Sundays are off.

And they could never eat or sleep under a roof.

I can't believe the last rule.

We're trying to kill them.

We don't want to give them the money.

These kids better die.

We don't have the 10 grand.

We do not have it.

We are rooting for these children to pass away.

No food, period.

How about that?

No food, just water from that river that gave them the squirts.

And they can only change horses once.

So they

if your horse dies twice, you die with it.

Do you understand, boys?

So they agree.

Have you seen squid game?

This is squid kid.

This is squirt game.

So they agree.

Yeah, we'll take the deal.

Well,

yeah.

Yeah, we'll do it.

All right, Alimony checks for the next two months.

Get ahead of those.

I guess it's more Jack agreed to it, right?

What?

I guess Jack is the one who agreed to it, but whatever.

I mean, they had to say yes, but Jack is the guy who has to legally agree.

I don't think law is entering the conversation anymore anywhere.

They just had to get off of an elephant because of its feet hurting.

Remember that?

Yep.

Yep.

So thousands watched them leave.

This is a big deal.

Goodbye forever.

Remember, no roofs.

So they have to travel 60 miles a day to make it.

Shocking.

And this time they took better care of the horses.

They would go to a blacksmith every night and get the horse, the horseshoes checked out.

You boys want to stay inside?

No, sir.

We're about to make 10 grand for our crazy dab.

Now, Wiley, the horse.

Yeah, the horse.

He slept on his back with his legs up.

Why not?

Yep, at this point, why not?

At a store in Toledo, they had a table with a meal waiting for them on the street because they couldn't eat inside.

A table on a mule.

So these people put a table on the street, and then a crowd stood around and watched them eat.

Look at him eat.

He chews just like us.

Do you need me to cut that for you?

No.

Jack would meet them in three cities across the country.

He's driving.

He's a good dad.

They would sleep in haystacks to keep warm.

This is actual punishment.

The only reason we can laugh is because of the time.

We know that this is over.

If this was in the paper, it would be like, gee, what the actual fuck?

If this happened like in the last week, we'd be like, there's not any comedy here.

This could 100% be a reality show.

That doesn't mean it's okay.

That is not our metric for acceptability anymore.

Disagree.

No.

That's fine.

TLC, two boys dying.

Thursdays after, what the fuck?

She's fat.

Can't you see?

Followed by xenophobic wives on an all-new I ate my house.

Can't you see a reality show in which five families compete for citizenship?

Dave,

it's too real stop.

And if they lose, they go,

I'm sorry, Gonzalez family.

Pack your suitcase.

You're going back to Mexico.

And then one family,

100% going to happen.

Welcome to citizenship.

You've

beaten all the others and you've done an incredible job.

You

are not bad, hombres.

You're good, hombres.

Even the lady, hombre, there's a term for it, but I can't remember what it is right now.

On an all-new the White House.

so at a store in Toledo followed by an all-new comedies back yeah we finally brought it back ma'am

it's back for real this time

I'm 80% ketamine

in Cheyenne Sam bass ate a bunch of alfalfa then foundered and died wait who did Sam Bass the the the the main horse the horse from the start of the story, who chased the wolf.

Yeah, so we're down one, and we're only allowed one replacement horse?

Total.

Each one.

Each is allowed one.

Okay, good.

It's a shame the other one sleeps like it's dead every night.

It's probably very confusing and upsetting.

For these children.

Well, they're very upset about Sam Bass because that's their dad's horse.

But they bought a new horse and they.

Fuck your dad.

At this point, I'd be like, good, fuck dad's horse.

They named the new horse Big Black.

Move on.

That slowed them down a lot, so they're off pace.

In Laramie, they were shopping for groceries.

Quote: The grocer told us that a whole family had been murdered by a man with an axe.

How's your day?

How old are you, boys?

Should you be shopping in there?

Oh,

a whole family was killed by an axe guy a few days ago.

Just the Twizzlers and milk?

They had to cross the Rocky Mountains.

What the fuck?

Driving through it is a hell.

Yes.

Today, it's bad.

Today it's bad.

Back then they're like, well, goodbye forever, brother.

They were delayed by three days, by rain.

So they're really getting behind.

They crossed the...

They're really getting behind.

They crossed the Great Salt Lake Desert.

They're all alone.

You've lulled us into accepting this, but this out of context is just a death march.

The weight of the horses would crack the salt crust, and there was mud underneath.

Atreyu!

Cannot believe

the trauma bonding that's happening right now.

And everyone under 30 is like,

there were also disgusting-smelling mud holes that they avoided.

They followed a wagon trail and drank less of their water while crossing the desert.

Children.

It was so hot that.

It was so hot that Temp fell asleep on the horse as he walked and rode for miles not falling.

These kids are so like a doctor at some point needs to be inspecting them

The damage going on right now it's great incalculable they rode into the night and estimated they had traveled 110 miles that day so they're making up time for ten thousand dollars that's right and their children.

Yeah

When they woke in the morning the horses were gone

But it forgot to tie their legs together so they wouldn't run off.

I mean everything's bad, Dave.

Tie their legs together.

I mean the horses are like fuck this

No,

we're out.

All right.

Well, they could get one replacement at this point.

Well, this is when they realized they could.

No, they're in the middle of the desert.

So there's no horses.

Sorry, I'm very used to them making it work.

Well, there's nothing around.

They're out in the middle of the desert.

So this is where the boys die and the humor stops?

Well, this is when they first realized they could actually die on the trip because it's a hot desert.

Yep.

And they have no way to get anywhere.

Yeah,

that's how I felt every moment of this.

And they're almost out of food and water.

Death, no, they are children.

Yeah, you remember that part?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, they're children.

So they searched for the horses for a day, and they didn't find them.

And they drank the last of their water.

And the next day, they searched again.

This is a story of death.

And in the afternoon, Temp became so exhausted, he just came back to camp and laid down.

He's gonna blow his carburetor out if he's not careful.

The third morning, Temp couldn't move.

I think I'm gonna have to eat Temp.

And Bud checked on him, but Temp could only stare.

Well, that's bad.

And then.

No.

A horse?

Bud went back out.

No.

And near the end of the day, he came back riding Wiley Haynes.

Not the horse, the deputy.

No.

What the fuck is going on?

Knife on his throat.

Okay, Tim.

Chill out, Tim.

Now relax, okay?

Shut up.

No, so he comes back on the horse.

He found the horse.

And then they ride double, and they come to a hill, and on the other side of the hill is the town of Kelton.

And that's where they find Big Black, who had ridden in way ahead of them to get.

I knew I forgot that.

He was just like, yeah, no, I'm going to be over there.

Hey, you should come here.

They have a lot more than the desert.

That was the worst place for us to go.

I don't think I believe in you.

So there they buy can they buy canned food and they take off again.

Just the oysters?

You know, a guy murdered a bunch of people with a sword last night.

Just the taffy, oysters, and chocolate milk.

We have two locations.

At one point, some men on a train offered to give them a ride and not tell anyone, but they said they couldn't do it because they'd know themselves.

Wow, that is principled.

Well, their dad raised them right.

No, he didn't.

He didn't raise them at all.

Did not even raise them.

But there's no way they're going to make it in time now.

In Reno, they meet some girls who are their age, and they say they're going over the Sierra Nevadas.

Who are girls who are their age.

So 10-year-olds.

But they are girls, like literally girls.

Yeah, I know.

They're probably skipping rope or whatever.

You know, kids will be.

Yeah, and he's just like, you girls want to get fucking crazy.

You ever done heroin on a horse's back?

And they tell the girls where they're going, and the girls tell them how Donner Pass got its name.

How about this?

Could someone read them a fucking story?

These are children.

Someone do Snow White?

Oh, that way?

Well, that's the way where the people ate the other people they were related to.

See ya?

So now they're worried about a snowstorm going over.

That's so funny to hear a story about cannibalism and be like, yeah, it could snow.

And it's the exact same time of year.

The Donner party.

Cannibalism is also seasonal.

Let me walk you through the five-day.

Here's what we have.

Monday, Tuesday, looking great.

Wednesday, Thursday, bit of a cold front.

This weekend, it looks like there might be some cannibalism.

So if you're going to go out and get some stuff, favor the earlier part of the week.

We're looking for a little bit more cannibalism Monday next week.

Should clear up Tuesday, Wednesday.

And next weekend we should have a real clear crispy Memorial Day for everybody.

More later.

And that's from the Donner Doppel.

Like, you can't do it.

Yeah, it's all right.

And so they went, and snow hit, and they ate each other.

No, there was no snow.

It was totally uneventful.

It'd be so great.

Ate each other is the best way, too.

And that was it.

One didn't eat the other?

No,

they choose to eat each other.

At the same time.

They both went foot first.

So they head over the mountains.

They arrive in Oakland.

They take a ferry to San Francisco.

Huge crowd waiting, as is Jack.

You fucking losers.

He congratulated them.

But they said they weren't done.

And they rode through Golden Gate Park all the way to the ocean as they were supposed to.

And Bud rode Big Black into the waves.

Anybody point-breaked?

Yeah.

He's point broken.

And then Temp did the same, and he rode Wiley into the waves a little too far.

And Wiley got into the undertow,

and he was trying to

kick, but he's he's a horse

trying to get his footing

and then he went down and Temp thought they were gonna die but he managed to stay on the saddle and somehow Wiley managed to ride himself and struggle back to the beach

you're only clapping

Because it just got so normalized.

Think of what just happened.

You're now clapping because a six-year-old didn't drown his horse in the ocean.

And you're like, well, a happy ending is important.

No!

Now!

Is it ever...

No!

It's very happy.

It's a happy ending.

A lot of people are nodding with me.

It was a very happy ending.

A lot of people are nodding.

Now, they're not getting the prize.

they're not getting the prize money, but you know what?

They fucking did it.

They did it.

So, does the prize money?

There's a guy over there who just goes, yeah.

Yeah, they did do it.

In 1913, a motorcycle company paid them to ride from Oklahoma to New York City.

Well, at that point, Tep is nine.

I can't.

I literally,

I can't.

I can't anymore.

Oh my God.

What is next?

I'm sad to report that was the last of their trips.

Oh, thank God.

Stop.

What?

Yes!

Oh, my God.

They would grow up, and Jack became an oilman and did very well.

Bud grew up and became a lawyer and then a district attorney and then a judge.

And he died in 1979.

79?

Temp worked in the oil business and died in 1986.

What?

How old are they?

They were older.

Yeah, but 86.

86 blew her mind.

Yeah, she blew her mind.

Yeah, 86.

I was under the impression they were immortal beings.

Temp wasn't allowed to die.

Yeah.

That is fucking bonkers.

What do you mean?

Everything.

That's.

It's a couple of kids.

They went on and did a thing.

It's a big deal.

I cannot honestly process what has just taken place.

Some kids went on a trip.

Shut the fuck up.

What are the resources, C.S.

Lewis?

Well, one is Alda Abernathy, Bud and Me, The True Adventures of the Abernathy Boys, and then BuddandMe.com and Haggerty.com, Abernathy Boys became a legend.

Holy shit.

Shocking.

Shocking.

When we put this out, is the title going to be the worst father of all time?

No, my dad is not.

This isn't about my dad.

This is about another dad.

Why would I all of a sudden put the title of my dad on this story?

You're

this is rat dad.

This is one of those things where it's just like it really, it just, it should, it should, and I'm not trying to be rude or like shitty or dark, but this should, this should have never been an episode.

This literally should have been the story about a dad getting arrested for parental malpractice and who just let his kids fucking die.

I mean, the fact that they made it is unfucking believable.

It's crazy to do that.

And now kids can't eat peanuts.

It's crazy to do a podcast with someone who hates adventure.

You know what I mean?

Like he doesn't enjoy the spirit of adventure.

The American spirit.

He doesn't enjoy the American spirit.

Why is this?

Why is this?

Why is this?

Oh, don't blow a carburetor.

Just calm down.

Why has this not been a movie?

Has this ever been turned into anything?

Well, because it's fucking insane.

Exactly.

This should be, like, Hulu should pick this up right away.

Hilarious.

True, it should be.

I mean, that story is absolutely fucking crazy.

The reason why it shouldn't be a story is, like, they shouldn't turn into anything.

Because if I saw this as a kid, I would have absolutely left home.

I would have absolutely left home.

Yeah.

smoking heaters just on a dirt bike.

Like people are like, where are you from?

They're like, Brian, you're Wisconsin.

Like, what's on your chin?

I'm growing a goat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The fact that they died from being old.

It had to be like, they probably, they were chasing that dragon forever, too.

Yeah, it probably never went away.

No, one of them was a fucking lawyer.

Yeah.

One of them was a lawyer, like looking out the window, and they're like, Did you hear me about the details of the night in question?

He's like, Sorry, I was just

thinking about the time we couldn't take the elephant all the way to DC.

Sorry, what?

Nothing.

My brother and I, when we were

six and nine, tried to ride an elephant and a donkey

from New York all the way.

I could still hear tiny now.

Where was your dad?

My what?

Oh, I don't have one of those.

Never happened.

They love their dad.

Yep.

I'm sure they'd finish.

All right, guys.

Thanks a lot for coming out.

Appreciate it.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

What's up, doll heads?

Join the Gare Force.

Come on, go to Garethrones.com for tickets and information like going to see my new special taping.

That's right.

I'm taping a new hour on October 4th at the Den Theater in Chicago, Illinois.

Two shows, a 7:15 and a 9:30.

But before that, you can see me in Bozeman, Montana, September 5th and September 6th.

Los Angeles at the Lyric Hyperion Theater, September 13th, September 16th.

Then I'll be in Pasadena, California, September 17th.

And then I will be in San Diego at the American Comedy Co.

on September 21st.

I'll be in Chandler, Arizona, September 24th, Kansas City, Missouri, September 26th, September 27th, Columbia, Missouri, September 28th, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, September 30th, Appleton, Wisconsin, October 1st, Fort Wayne, Indiana, October 3rd, two shows.

And like I said, the special taping, October 4th, two shows.

And then in November, November 6th, 7th, 8th, I'll be in Sunnyvale, California at RoosterTFeers.

Go to GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information.

Join me.

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