121 - The Past Times with Kyle Anderson

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Speaker 41 All right, everybody. Welcome to the Pastimes Podcast.

Speaker 41 Each week, we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

Speaker 41 I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, the great Kyle Anderson.

Speaker 43 Who's in slime, it looks like?

Speaker 45 Yeah, well, I just figured if I have a green screen background, people can, you know, they can green screen me into like January 6th or whatever.

Speaker 43 We are strongly encouraging everyone on our Patreon or anywhere who's watching this or consuming it, please do some January 6th photoshopping with Kyle back there. Yeah.

Speaker 43 As soon as you can. Kyle, please put him at January 6th.

Speaker 42 Kyle, you used to have the horns and the fur.

Speaker 45 Yeah, your elk boy.

Speaker 45 Yeah,

Speaker 45 I was his sidekick elk boy. I was slightly out of most of the pictures.

Speaker 45 He really stole the thunder. Yeah, Yeah, he's kind of, you know what I mean?

Speaker 45 We were a joint venture, and then I kind of feel like he sort of was like QAnon shaman and Elk Boy could have been a good branding.

Speaker 43 Well, a lot of people took Staplers and stuff that day, but what I loved about the Elk Shaman was that he walked in there and said, where's the thunder? Because boy, howdy, did he steal it?

Speaker 45 Kyle.

Speaker 43 People could go on your YouTube, Kyle Anderson.

Speaker 45 Yeah, Kyle Anderson Comedy on YouTube. I make documentaries on there.

Speaker 43 You've made some great documentaries.

Speaker 42 Yes, you have.

Speaker 43 What's your favorite? And then I'll tell you mine.

Speaker 45 Well, I have a lot of them I've made on there. Probably my favorite one is about Dow, which is this like insane.

Speaker 45 Basically, there's this Russian filmmaker who convinced a Russian oligarch. to give him like a limitless budget and shoot for seven years.

Speaker 42 Oh my God, I haven't seen this one.

Speaker 45 Everybody was like method acting for seven years and he got like real ex-KGB to play the KGB.

Speaker 45 So, like, if you had your iPhone out, you got like thrown in like the jail on set, and like it became like this, like, Stanford prison experiment.

Speaker 45 And then there's seven movies made out of it, and there's

Speaker 45 like they're really the DP is incredible. So, they like, they're amazing.

Speaker 43 Part of me is like, should I not watch this?

Speaker 45 And do you want to do an episode on it, Dave, if we ever go to Russia?

Speaker 45 Yeah, kind of. Yeah, it's in the Ukraine.

Speaker 45 Well,

Speaker 43 you also self-ignited your own industry when you made the Crystalia problem.

Speaker 43 Again, Dave and I, he's a friend of show.

Speaker 45 Friend of show. Friend of show.
He's a friend of show.

Speaker 43 So we don't actually like what you did to our boy.

Speaker 42 I'm actually not a fan of his comedy, but I'm a huge fan of his off-stage work, if that makes sense.

Speaker 45 Well,

Speaker 45 I'm a fan of the Snapchat.

Speaker 45 I got the tattoo around here somewhere on my neck.

Speaker 43 He didn't even ask me to, but I just...

Speaker 45 Some of the ladies who had it, I wanted to go. How funny would it be if I got the same neck tattoo he got this week?

Speaker 45 Here's what you do. That would be so bizarre.

Speaker 42 I'm getting delightful on my neck.

Speaker 45 You literally, Kyle, this is what I would love for you.

Speaker 43 Whatever he puts out, you spoof it word for word and just do it a week later. So every clip that comes out, everything he has, you pretend you have a kid.

Speaker 45 Every post, just

Speaker 45 live in a Dalia worm all the week.

Speaker 43 Anyway, he's friendly to show, so we don't want to.

Speaker 45 Life slips.

Speaker 42 He loves it when we rib him about all of his

Speaker 42 sexual proclivities, crimes that people call him crimes.

Speaker 45 I was going to wear my Brendan Schaub hoodie.

Speaker 43 Tell Dave what I dropped off at your house yesterday.

Speaker 45 Oh, my God. So the rap gift for our movie, fucking Gareth comes over and brings me

Speaker 45 a whiskey decanter. And I'm like, oh my God, that's amazing.

Speaker 44 And he's like, oh, my God, a decanter.

Speaker 45 That's so nice. And then he's like, pull it out, buddy.

Speaker 45 Fucking pull it out. And I pull it out.
It's a

Speaker 45 Bill Mars podcast club random. It's a club random whiskey decanter with a catching whiskey glass.

Speaker 45 And I came in and I started moving my wedding pictures out of the way and shit. I'm like, this got out of here.

Speaker 43 We got This house is a Club Random House.

Speaker 45 My wife is like, okay, I guess.

Speaker 43 By the way, Club Random House did the dollop book.

Speaker 45 Anyway, Kyle,

Speaker 43 here's what we do here. I know you've never listened to the show.
You've made that very clear online.

Speaker 43 We're going to guess the year that this paper could be from. Now,

Speaker 43 Dave will make it seem like you win no matter what, but you're going to guess first. Could be 1600s, could be 2004.

Speaker 45 Okay?

Speaker 43 But it's probably going to be in the the middle there. You take a guess first, then I'll guess.
Whoever's closer gets to sleep at Dave's house.

Speaker 45 For two years. For two years.

Speaker 45 Yeah.

Speaker 45 Okay. I'm going to go with one of my favorite years in cinema, in movies, 1999.

Speaker 45 You're out of your mind.

Speaker 43 You never have listened to this podcast.

Speaker 45 Not going to win tonight. I'm about to win this motherfucker.

Speaker 45 Is it the worst thing about this podcast that any of the stories you cover could be from 1680 or like this week?

Speaker 43 yes yeah no we talk about it all the time where we're like it's like that joke is honestly where like i every time i make it i'm like i'll do it one more time hey

Speaker 43 dave times were very different back then

Speaker 45 um

Speaker 43 i'm gonna guess the year is 1894.

Speaker 45 oh my god

Speaker 42 kyle so close Kyle wins. It is 1893.

Speaker 45 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 45 Is it 1893? Is that the closest you've ever gotten? Yeah.

Speaker 43 No, I've gotten it right before, and Dave still said the guest was right.

Speaker 42 Well, the vibes are off and off.

Speaker 43 Shut up with the vibes.

Speaker 45 You are Dalia.

Speaker 45 A year. That's impressive.
It's just out of all of them that there are.

Speaker 43 It's a lot of them, too.

Speaker 45 You can look it up.

Speaker 42 This is the

Speaker 42 Havana Press, Havana, Kansas.

Speaker 43 By the way, to make a good cigar, you got to do the Havana Press.

Speaker 45 The Havana Press is my wrestling finisher move.

Speaker 45 Hey, the Havana Press. That's what the Cuban Bulls did.
Oh, my God. The Cuban Bull.
He's about to hit the Havana Press.

Speaker 45 There are bodies everywhere.

Speaker 43 He's literally eating a guy's face.

Speaker 45 Jesus Christ! Is he allowed to do that? It's wrestling, buddy. Anything goes.

Speaker 43 The ref has his back turned for some reason.

Speaker 43 He's literally eating his brains out

Speaker 42 All right, this first story is really long, but I had no idea about this and it's crazy

Speaker 42 a terrible disaster

Speaker 42 Collapse of the old Ford Theater in Washington

Speaker 42 Ford's historic old theater, the building in which Abraham Lincoln was assassinated.

Speaker 43 That theater was like, we also still do plays.

Speaker 45 It's like terrible tragedy. Theater turned into comedy club.

Speaker 42 Nobody could have thought it could go this dark.

Speaker 42 Which has been used by the government for many years as part of the office of the Surgeon General of the Army.

Speaker 45 Sure. I mean, wait, wait.
So

Speaker 45 the place he got shot was then turned into like anater was turned into an office for the Surgeon General.

Speaker 42 Yeah, because I'm sure nobody wanted to go to the theater after that.

Speaker 45 Oh, I did. So they're

Speaker 45 100%.

Speaker 45 That's how that's the difference between then and now is now everyone would be like, I gotta make a TikTok where the president

Speaker 45 caps, dude.

Speaker 45 If you're not making content, if that place isn't on fucking Peer Space, the rent out hourly, dude.

Speaker 43 What I do is I'd like sign the docu sign and then be like, oh, wait, is that where Lincoln got shot?

Speaker 45 Oh, shit.

Speaker 45 no wonder the numbers suck

Speaker 45 i just heard it was a five-hour drive from baltimore i was like okay yeah i'm doing a photo shoot uh with this girl we're gonna do one of those ones where they're you know like a bath of milk we're doing it where lincoln got shot it's gonna be

Speaker 43 TikToking where Lincoln got shot.

Speaker 45 We're shooting a rap video. The budget's $300, but we got the place that Lincoln got shot.

Speaker 43 Hey, we got that booth where Lincoln got shot.

Speaker 45 We got the booth where Lincoln got shot up there. It's extra for the booth.
Yeah.

Speaker 43 That's the guy who runs it now.

Speaker 45 Are you John Wilkes Booth in a mustache? No.

Speaker 45 Yeah, he's super cool.

Speaker 43 I mean, I guess you guys can use the booth.

Speaker 45 You guys can do it.

Speaker 45 Oh, boy.

Speaker 43 Whose dogs?

Speaker 42 My dogs.

Speaker 45 The male carrier.

Speaker 42 No, the neighbor's

Speaker 42 lawn guy is here. Hold on.
Let me deal with it.

Speaker 43 Neighbor's lawn guy is here. It sounds like a porn.

Speaker 45 Yeah. Dave's about to go and get his dick sucked.

Speaker 45 He fell. Dave almost fell.
What if Dave. That would be amazing.

Speaker 45 If Dave fell and we were. 600 golden doodles come in the room.
Yeah.

Speaker 43 But if Dave fell and passed out, and you and I had to figure out a way to get the authorities to Dave's place, and Dave slipped in his hallway on a Riverside Record.

Speaker 42 Are you guys laughing at because I have a fake leg?

Speaker 45 A peg leg? Yeah, I have a peg leg. I'm not going to say that anymore.

Speaker 45 I have a peg leg is not peaceful.

Speaker 42 Yeah, I mean, but I have a peg leg.

Speaker 45 There's a paradox.

Speaker 43 It's not a peg leg. She's a wooden limb.

Speaker 45 The parrot's like, it's a pain.

Speaker 42 All right,

Speaker 42 back to the story.

Speaker 42 Which has been used by the government for many years as part of the office of the surgeon general of the army, collapsed yesterday morning shortly after 9:30 o'clock. Nobody says it like that.

Speaker 42 Nope, not okay. Nobody says 9:30 o'clock.

Speaker 45 I am honestly going to start using that.

Speaker 43 If someone

Speaker 45 is 10:30 o'clock, oh, you gotta hit Gareth in the back of the head with the shoe again. He's doing it again.
11:45 o'clock. Oh, get the shoe, get the shoe.
He's all fucked up. Noon o'clock.

Speaker 45 Oh, God, we need the shoe. Where is it?

Speaker 42 With a terrible result in loss of life and injury, at least 24 persons were killed and scores injured.

Speaker 45 I mean, that's impressive.

Speaker 45 Scores injured.

Speaker 42 That's a lot of.

Speaker 42 The building stood on 10th Street. Okay, who cares? It had been condemned three times.

Speaker 45 The first

Speaker 42 then it's not condemned if there's still people inside.

Speaker 43 Well, I mean, this is America. This is America America.
Like, someone comes in, like, some guy's like, yeah, this is all going to collapse.

Speaker 45 And they're like, all right, cool.

Speaker 43 We're not going to do anything.

Speaker 45 All right.

Speaker 45 scores of us are about to head in there though you got a problem with that nah that should be fine come on guys let's go you it's you guys are worried about the collapsing a president was shot in there scores of us yeah it's really like you remember when uh when the dude from fast the furious died and everybody was like r.

Speaker 45 I p him yeah R.I.P. Paul Walker and the other dude in the car.
Yeah. That's how I feel about this place.

Speaker 43 You don't want to ever be like, that's why I won't ever get in the car with a movie star.

Speaker 45 Right, right. You can't be the third most famous person who died.

Speaker 43 Yeah, the idea that it's like Paul Walker, his best friend, and the third.

Speaker 42 It has been condemned three times. The first years ago, some claim as many as 15 or 20, but had been repaired, propped up, and renovated from year to year.

Speaker 45 Okay.

Speaker 42 When it was condemned by Colonel Rogers of the War Department in 1880, so that's 13 years ago.

Speaker 45 Also, jobs like the War Department, like people condemning buildings, that like that, that job isn't even a thing anymore. Yeah.
Well, he condemned it on signal.

Speaker 43 Not a lot of people know that.

Speaker 45 Did we get Syria to think somehow that they paid us to condemn it?

Speaker 42 And the government then promptly moved out its medical museum, which was a great.

Speaker 45 That must have been a house of horror. The medical museum was in there? Yeah.
Where else would you put it? Why was it quite carrying a brain?

Speaker 43 Just like, sorry, we got evicted.

Speaker 45 This is my wife.

Speaker 43 Yeah, yeah, this is all that remains of my wife. He's got lungs slung over his shoulder.

Speaker 45 Excuse me. Excuse me.

Speaker 43 Excuse me, scores. Hardened scores.

Speaker 42 It started because there was just blood and bandages on the floor. And they're like, well, what the fuck do we do with this?

Speaker 43 Well, we either clean it or we make it a museum.

Speaker 45 This place has got to be really shitty if theater kids won't even be in here.

Speaker 45 If you can't get a group of theater kids to do a musical inside a place, it is fucked up. It is fucked up.

Speaker 43 Look, we're eight appendages away from this being a museum, kind of.

Speaker 45 How are we going to get all these bodies out of here? Will you? No, no. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
If you turn this into one of them bodies exhibits.

Speaker 43 We got a bunch of lemons, and you're like, what are we going to drink?

Speaker 45 I got an idea.

Speaker 42 Do we still got the Lincoln body or is that out of there?

Speaker 43 There's some brain we could chip off the wall.

Speaker 45 Have you guys ever seen the bodies exhibit? Like the one that they toured around? Absolutely.

Speaker 43 I saw it like when I was 14 and I was like, why'd that happen? Yeah, I don't.

Speaker 43 Just what I always wanted to know. What was it like if I was paging through a body, like a book?

Speaker 45 Oh my God.

Speaker 43 I also saw it at like a honestly, it looks like you're at like a Morton's and you're like, that's a nice marbled ribbon.

Speaker 45 But it's just the cross-section of a dick. Dude,

Speaker 45 bad.

Speaker 43 There is, right?

Speaker 45 Yes.

Speaker 45 That was crazy.

Speaker 43 That was like the last, the guy was like, hey, what do you say? We maybe also do with a big dick.

Speaker 45 People are like,

Speaker 43 Trevor, can we talk to you over here for a second?

Speaker 45 I already did it. It's come out.

Speaker 45 There you go.

Speaker 43 It's already decoupaged.

Speaker 45 It's come out that, like, not all of those people volunteered, also. Oh,

Speaker 45 oh my God. Of course they didn't.

Speaker 45 Some of them did, but a lot of them.

Speaker 43 Some of them just signed up for 23andMe.

Speaker 45 A lot of them were like, this is the line for Dine In, right?

Speaker 43 Can you imagine figuring that out? Like you're at the fucking place and you're just looking like, hey, this mirrors just look a lot like Kevin.

Speaker 45 I don't think he said yeah to this. That's definitely the cross-section of Kevin's dick if I ever seen it.

Speaker 43 Well look, right in the middle middle of his dick, I always thought it looked like you can count the rings.

Speaker 45 It's his exact age.

Speaker 45 38.

Speaker 45 How many dudes just missing, like Kevin is missing, but would be 38 rings deep.

Speaker 43 Excuse me, there'll be no trying to figure out who it is.

Speaker 45 Keep moving. We've got to bring it back.

Speaker 45 Page by page.

Speaker 42 Hey, I brought my own slice of a dick. Is that?

Speaker 43 All right, let's. This guy's here again.
Sir, sir, can we talk to you over here?

Speaker 45 We've asked you.

Speaker 42 Do you want to see it?

Speaker 43 No, we're not like a gallery.

Speaker 45 Okay, yeah. Don't worry.

Speaker 45 You get caught. I've got the real one.
Get caught with the deeper one.

Speaker 45 What's going on over there?

Speaker 45 Don't worry. This guy's got it.
Security, get this guy. Yeah, he's suspicious.
Not me.

Speaker 43 That's a weird jacket you have on.

Speaker 45 Just walking around in there.

Speaker 42 Hey, buddy, you like that one? Check out this one.

Speaker 45 By the way, how fucking

Speaker 43 begging for a night of the museum rip off that sound.

Speaker 45 I'm fucking installed at installation. Yeah,

Speaker 45 28 days later, means a 19th of a guy like, hi!

Speaker 42 Just

Speaker 42 draws the night watchman in. Yeah.

Speaker 45 Let me out. I was murdered.

Speaker 45 I know where there's treasure.

Speaker 42 And then he takes him over to another slice of dick.

Speaker 45 There it is.

Speaker 45 We named him Treasure.

Speaker 45 He was a stripper.

Speaker 45 Some of us were scientists, but most of us were strippers.

Speaker 45 It's the final strip.

Speaker 43 Is there any way I could see like a more cut-up vagina?

Speaker 45 I mean, it's by definition, it's kind of what a dick his dicks are. Anyway, I gotta go.

Speaker 42 Okay, so moved out of its medic museum. They're stored and exhibited, but the caution then displayed extended only to the exhibits.

Speaker 42 And the building had since been kept crowded with clerks despite successive condemnation. So they, so they were like, they condemned

Speaker 45 people in.

Speaker 42 Well, they moved out the museum, and then they're just like, well, we'll have employees in here instead.

Speaker 43 They're like, yeah, no, the museum was not what we were worried about.

Speaker 43 Okay, we replaced all the exhibits with humans.

Speaker 45 It's very good to be like to be like okay we got to get the important shit out of here like the vats of old brains just put some like workers in here those don't matter yes

Speaker 45 scores of workers

Speaker 42 okay guess how many workers oh jesus christ

Speaker 43 i mean you're the fact that you're saying guesses makes me upset so i'm gonna i'll guess

Speaker 45 i mean it's a theater it's like how much shit could you do i'm setting up my typewriter up in the booth yeah like

Speaker 42 yeah where are they working and what are they doing

Speaker 43 I'm going to guess

Speaker 43 just to just to not over guess it, the thing where I say a thousand and you're like, 120 asshole. I'm going to say 48.

Speaker 42 It's 475.

Speaker 45 What the fuck?

Speaker 42 What in the fuck are they doing?

Speaker 45 What are they doing?

Speaker 42 How are they, how is the setup?

Speaker 45 This is awesome. It's an open space work situation.
We don't have computers yet, so together we're just one big computer.

Speaker 43 We're each in charge of a letter.

Speaker 43 That is shocking.

Speaker 42 Shocking.

Speaker 43 Like, that's that, that, if there was a play and that was that many people there, you would be.

Speaker 45 Right? That's a lot. Yeah.
Sold out.

Speaker 42 Yeah. There were 475 persons, mostly government clerks, employed in the building, and near all of those were at work.
Were at work when the building fell. They did get dodge.

Speaker 45 They got dozed. They all got.

Speaker 45 You're telling me 500 people got collapsed in the building where Lincoln got shot and we're still calling it the building where Lincoln got shot. Yes, I know.
Paul Walker. Hello.

Speaker 45 But one guy frees the slaves.

Speaker 43 They should put Lincoln's brain in that like that exhibit.

Speaker 45 You know.

Speaker 45 It's got the pollen in it still. Yeah.

Speaker 42 An excavation for an electric light plant was being made in the cellar of the structure.

Speaker 42 And according to the best information obtainable, the workmen this morning had dug beneath the foundation supports in the front of the building.

Speaker 42 So they're doing

Speaker 45 this. This is what I was going to say is the building is now three times condemned.
And they're like, what if we got rid of all the ground under it?

Speaker 43 I want to see Jesse Venturiro break this one down.

Speaker 45 It's a control demolition. I like to imagine the whole place is just like, it's like shaking back and forth.
And they're like, I think up is bad, but down could work.

Speaker 45 Honestly, when it first got said, I was like, you can't take a building down from down up.

Speaker 45 That all works. You ever seen news change?

Speaker 42 I mean, they're literally, it's a condemned building. And someone's like, what if we put an electric light plant underneath it?

Speaker 43 Yeah, let's start digging while everyone's here.

Speaker 45 What if we fill it with people, then it can't topple over? Because it's so full of it. They're like, wait.
Yeah.

Speaker 45 What's cheap and takes up space?

Speaker 43 Meanwhile, the cast of Midsummer's like, can you keep it down?

Speaker 45 Here's what we're doing.

Speaker 45 The whole building is toppling over and they're all like, jellical cats. Jellico cats.

Speaker 42 Okay, so.

Speaker 43 Mistopheles!

Speaker 43 His magic couldn't even get him out of this one.

Speaker 42 So the workmen this morning had dug beneath the foundation supports in the front of the building, weakening them to such an extent that the walls gave way before they could be jacked.

Speaker 43 It sounds like a come-and-go rest-up.

Speaker 45 Yeah, you get in the great cast party. You could get janked, dude.

Speaker 42 This explanation of the cause of the accident is the only one advanced, but it seems somewhat strange in view of the fact that the top floor gave way first.

Speaker 43 See?

Speaker 42 There's three stories. Big kids, three stories.

Speaker 45 There's a C theory where they're all like playing the video back. They're like, like, the pancake.
The building doesn't fall like that. It doesn't work.
Yeah, they're loose changing this.

Speaker 42 Yeah, they are loose changing this. Yeah.

Speaker 42 Men who are in the building say the crash came without warning. Those on the top floor were suddenly precipitated to the floor below.

Speaker 45 Precipitated to the best way of saying it. They fell to their death.
Yeah. Turned to mulch.

Speaker 43 Another one gone from precipitated.

Speaker 45 We lost 700 today to precipitation.

Speaker 42 And the weight of the falling timber and furniture carried the second and first floors down.

Speaker 45 The furniture.

Speaker 45 The idea that they're like, you know what it really was? I think it was the digging plus the furniture.

Speaker 45 It was the incessant digging below the foundation and all those top floor couches. Well, I was telling everybody we didn't need 48 bookshelves on top of 400 people in the shambling,

Speaker 45 price-destroyed building that we're digging out from under.

Speaker 45 At least we got the brain vat out of there.

Speaker 42 Some guy comes out of the rubble just holding a slice of dick.

Speaker 45 We could rebuild.

Speaker 43 We haven't. He's the one the prophecy spoke of,

Speaker 45 Kevin.

Speaker 42 The insecurity of the building had been repeatedly reported for a long time past. Whenever a heavily loaded wagon has gone by the building, it seemed to sway as the clerks describe the sensation.

Speaker 45 That's fucking crazy.

Speaker 45 What are they doing in this building? Literally, it's moving when people like breathe against it.

Speaker 45 A wagon.

Speaker 43 Like your first day at work and you're like, is it swaying? It's probably a heavy wagon. When they go by, it's pretty bad.

Speaker 45 Also, do you know how fast a wagon goes? Oh my God.

Speaker 43 It'll be over in an hour.

Speaker 42 When the first rumbling warning of the approaching collapse came, the clerks on the third floor, to the number of 80 rushed to the windows and jump for the roof of an annex and escape.

Speaker 43 Imagine seeing,

Speaker 43 hey, what are you guys doing?

Speaker 45 Dude,

Speaker 45 I mean three days.

Speaker 43 Is it just weird those guys just jump out of the window?

Speaker 45 Even better, you're just like, you're in the saloon, you're just like washing a mug. You know, you look out the window and you see like World War Z80 clerks parkouring out of a window

Speaker 45 chasing Jason Bourne.

Speaker 42 None of those who escaped injury could tell when the floors first gave way.

Speaker 42 To the occupants of each floor, there was but one crash heard, and instantly the whole building was filled with blinding lime dust.

Speaker 45 What the fuck?

Speaker 45 Well, we use it to build in case somebody comes in, they want to take over the building, we'll destroy it, we'll blind them with lime dust.

Speaker 45 Lime dust! We booby trap! You gotta think these things through when you build.

Speaker 43 It's like a Sprite 9-11

Speaker 42 Running through all the stories and in the middle of the building was a light wall 10 feet or more long and nearly as wide. The fatal area was in front of this, leaving a space of six or seven feet.

Speaker 42 The back part of the building, containing more than half of the floor space, remained intact.

Speaker 45 I'm going to be honest, the fact that they're still investigating past

Speaker 45 the obvious

Speaker 45 is really crazy. The fact that they've been like

Speaker 45 there was also a light wall. It's like, I think there was a lot of issues, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 43 It was all those Ottomans.

Speaker 42 Okay, this is...

Speaker 42 Okay, when did this happen, though? Because

Speaker 42 this is dated

Speaker 42 June 10th. So this paper is June 16th.

Speaker 43 Okay, so it's recent.

Speaker 42 So So it happened a week ago. So now here's a follow-up a couple days later on June 13th.

Speaker 42 Ainsworth denounced messengers of Colonel Ainsworth told the clerks with bated breath that it was the colonel's orders that the clerks walk softly and go up and down the stairs on tiptoe.

Speaker 45 Oh my God.

Speaker 45 Oh my God.

Speaker 45 You mean it's like a haunted house. He goes, look, we could fix the place.
Anybody could fix a building, but my staff knows how to lose weight.

Speaker 45 And they need it.

Speaker 43 When they're all dead, I told them not to walk so heel-heavy.

Speaker 43 They were asking for it.

Speaker 42 This is like, this should be like the first thing that is read to people who are thinking about maybe unionizing.

Speaker 43 Yes.

Speaker 45 I was literally going to be like, hey, you guys know how we're getting rid of Osho right now?

Speaker 45 You know how that rules?

Speaker 45 Hey, guys.

Speaker 45 Walk softly into that great second story.

Speaker 43 Oh, my God.

Speaker 42 The building was known known to all of the clerks as the death trap.

Speaker 45 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 45 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 43 And not because of Lincoln.

Speaker 45 This fucking building.

Speaker 43 Imagine having where the president got shot at being like, I think we can out-tragedy that.

Speaker 45 Oh, my God.

Speaker 42 But the bread, but their bread and butter depended on their work there, so they could do nothing.

Speaker 45 There'll be no butter.

Speaker 45 Union. union.
There'll be no butter. And there's a bread tax.

Speaker 42 Such was the sensational testimony given yesterday before the coroner's jury investigating the Ford's Theater disaster last Friday by Smith Thompson, one of the clerks who had escaped the disaster.

Speaker 42 Smith Thompson, the clerk who had denounced Colonel Ainsworth at the relief meeting Friday and had given the sensational testimony above, said he had been a civil engineer. Wow.

Speaker 42 Oh my God, there were civil engineers in the fucking pitch.

Speaker 45 And they're like, hey, this is real bad. What do you know? Like everything.

Speaker 45 This guy goes, I'm a civil engineer. They go, what? He goes, it's a job we invented six days ago when the building got destroyed.

Speaker 42 Every day he went below stairs and watched the progress of the excavation.

Speaker 42 He saw no pillars or props used in holding up the first floor. They're excavating without propping it up.

Speaker 43 You don't need that, though.

Speaker 45 All right, all right.

Speaker 43 All right. Sky is falling, chicken little.
Dave, let me tell you a thing or two. You don't need those.
Beams are overrated.

Speaker 45 They're like trying to dig it out with like Minecraft logic. Or they're like, it'll just stay in place.

Speaker 45 Take out everything underneath.

Speaker 42 I'm telling you, it's going to work. I watched my kid do this a bunch.

Speaker 45 He does it all the fucking time. He's a civil engineer.
As they're digging.

Speaker 43 How come they never put schools on mines?

Speaker 45 Would you keep digging and shut the fuck up? You're right.

Speaker 45 Our work depends on us being here. Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 42 Fuck. The one stairway was not sufficient for the rapid exit of one half the clerks in safety.

Speaker 45 No, no, no.

Speaker 43 Guys, flee on your tippy toes. Flee on your tippy toes.

Speaker 42 In going down the stairway, he heard clerks call out, take care, the stairs are unsafe.

Speaker 45 This is insane.

Speaker 45 I mean,

Speaker 43 it's very rare rare when a paper starts off with a banger and it has the length it deserves, but this is one that's doing it right.

Speaker 45 Dude, this is also, you know, this colonel was like, I mean, if anything does happen, they'll at least all die. Yeah.

Speaker 45 And then when that guy made it to trial, he was like, shit.

Speaker 45 I know he should have made the stairs worse.

Speaker 45 Yeah.

Speaker 45 He's doing like the home alone stuff. He's putting like tar and like

Speaker 45 nails on the stairs.

Speaker 45 Seating

Speaker 43 The colonel tried to homolog my client.

Speaker 43 He's just sitting there.

Speaker 45 I don't know what the hell. How the hell does this guy even know about

Speaker 43 the door handles were hot. My client's head was burned from a torch.

Speaker 45 Is your client currently tying a string to a paint can?

Speaker 45 Your honor,

Speaker 43 I bet you can't catch me. I'm all the way up here.

Speaker 45 Colonel, sit down.

Speaker 42 And now,

Speaker 42 for the survivors, why were the stairs iced so they slid as they came out of the building?

Speaker 43 I wanted to get them down as fast as possible. That's the same with the mini cars at the base of the stairway.

Speaker 45 I was hoping that would help scoot them along, huh?

Speaker 43 You understand?

Speaker 42 Okay.

Speaker 42 At this stage in Mr. Thompson's testimony,

Speaker 42 there was a strange scene illustrating the bitter feelings against Colonel Ainsworth. A majority of the spectators present were clerks who had been employed in the old theater building.
And Mr. Warner

Speaker 45 hated that. They're all like, it's like a Simpsons gag.
They all have like ice packs and like arm casts on. And they're like, they're a horse.
They're all just sitting there.

Speaker 43 Oh, a lot of you pulled through.

Speaker 45 That's good.

Speaker 42 Mr.

Speaker 42 Warner, one of the jurists, asked the witness, what was the feeling of the clerks in the theater building toward their superior officer colonel ainsworth thompson answered quote that of abject fear

Speaker 45 well that's nice it was like the building was trying to eat us it was terrifying we all thought it had come alive like if the building became a man well that's nice

Speaker 42 The applause came from a portion of the room where most of the clerks were sitting.

Speaker 43 The colonel gets up and like waves his hat.

Speaker 45 Thank you, boys. That's very nice.

Speaker 43 That's very nice.

Speaker 45 You guys hear I'm killing.

Speaker 45 I'm going to go and kill Tony.

Speaker 42 Colonel Ainsworth grew red, and the coroner lectured the offenders.

Speaker 45 Don't you be clapping for that.

Speaker 42 He's telling the truth.

Speaker 45 He's telling back the hecklers.

Speaker 42 The letter from Secretary Lamont was read, giving assurance that no clerk need fear dismissal on account of his testimony.

Speaker 45 At the after.

Speaker 43 Well, that's bad for me.

Speaker 45 You guys don't need to fear dismissal. If you do testify, though, we are going to make you go work in a new place we're calling the sweat trap.

Speaker 45 This place is really fun. It's right at the center of the earth.

Speaker 43 It's where Washington lived.

Speaker 42 At the afternoon session, a well-dressed man, shaking his fist in Colonel Ainsworth's face, shouted, quote, you murdered my brother and you ain't

Speaker 45 shainted.

Speaker 42 And you shan't sit there intimidating these witnesses.

Speaker 45 And you ain't shainted.

Speaker 45 Shan't. Shan't.
Shan't. And you shan't.
shinked. Shant.

Speaker 42 The man was Charles Barnes, whose brother.

Speaker 45 The man was Charles Barkley.

Speaker 42 Whose brother was a victim.

Speaker 43 Boy, the idea that the colonel, like the colonel was probably there. He was like, I don't think I should have come to this.

Speaker 42 This is a bad call.

Speaker 42 I thought you guys liked me.

Speaker 43 He's just sitting there hoping that the courtroom collapses.

Speaker 43 That had really bailed me the fuck out.

Speaker 42 He's got some guys digging down below. He's like, come on, boys, get going.

Speaker 45 looking at his watcher your honor i can't even hear it over here

Speaker 45 threw it at the foundation your honor as a gift i'd give you 40 bookshelves your honor i suggest we all jump as hard as we can

Speaker 43 please your honor

Speaker 45 he goes it he goes to like testify for himself he's like now i am just a simple stop stop stop

Speaker 45 southern lawyer stop stop stop stop i'm a regular man who they called me the jackhammer.

Speaker 43 The human jackhammer.

Speaker 45 What the fuck?

Speaker 43 Everyone, run up and down the stairs.

Speaker 43 Let's move these couches up to the top of the building.

Speaker 45 That don't feel like justice.

Speaker 43 That's how we avenge the deaths of these workers.

Speaker 43 Colonel, sit down.

Speaker 45 So did we get a number on how many people died?

Speaker 42 I think

Speaker 42 after the uproar thus occasioned, had quieted, it was 24 so far, but I bet it's more. After the uproar thus occasioned had quieted, Mr.
Davis, representing Colonel Ainsworth, started to speak.

Speaker 42 When a dozen excited department clerks rose to their feet and shouted for him to sit down.

Speaker 45 The lieutenant of police.

Speaker 45 Shut up, you fucking piece of shit.

Speaker 45 Order. Except everyone's like, you shan't speak any further.

Speaker 42 The lieutenant of police endeavored to quiet the outbreak, but his voice was ineffectual.

Speaker 42 Soon, nearly every clerk present who had been employed in the old theater was on his feet shouting, sit down, shut your mouth. But finally, someone who was frenzied cried, hang him!

Speaker 43 Well, I like that they hear that guy. He's like, let that guy speak.
He should be hanged. Never mind, not him.
Never mind.

Speaker 42 Men sprang forward at this time, and it looked as if harm would come to Colonel Ainsworth.

Speaker 42 Some of the clerks were shaking their fists over his head, and others were pushing forward as as if they wished to tear him to pieces.

Speaker 45 Hell yeah.

Speaker 45 Yeah, right? Yeah.

Speaker 45 That's what kind of like there's situations where it's like, do we need a trial or can we just give the guys who survived the building 20 minutes with him?

Speaker 42 Let's have a trial after we kill him.

Speaker 43 That really should just. I mean, with the way it's going.
The problem is, though, they would be like, we use it rarely, like for Luigi Mangioni.

Speaker 45 Right. No.
Right, right, right.

Speaker 43 Who's going to get the death penalty, according to Pam Bondi, by the way?

Speaker 42 Juror Warner finally managed to quiet the people, and the deputy coroner adjourned the inquest.

Speaker 42 Okay, do you want to know

Speaker 42 how many

Speaker 42 didn't make it?

Speaker 45 Let's see.

Speaker 45 Welcome back to everybody's favorite American game show. How many didn't make it?

Speaker 43 Gareth, you're playing today.

Speaker 43 How many do you think did escape this horrible fate of civil engineering well boy it seems like that whole place was real shaky and they kept scanning scores and scores i'm gonna go with 112 todd

Speaker 42 it wasn't it was only 22.

Speaker 45 oh wow

Speaker 45 lovely that's nothing so you know what um i say another you to make an omelet you know

Speaker 45 break a few eggs yeah think about all the good clerking that happened though nobody's talking about yep yeah they were able to re-upholster the chairs with all the money they saved

Speaker 45 you like that crown molding that was built on the backs of those people

Speaker 45 it also fell onto the backs of the same people who built it it probably killed a couple of them

Speaker 45 um

Speaker 42 yeah i'm trying to find it but uh

Speaker 43 it's actually i wonder what happened to colonel ainsley is his name

Speaker 42 22 clerks and injuring 68

Speaker 45 Knowing how this stuff works, it's like Colonel Ainsley went on to become the king of the world.

Speaker 42 Well, no, he totally got away with it.

Speaker 45 Of course.

Speaker 42 They said, I read it yesterday, but they said there wasn't enough evidence to prove that he knew it was.

Speaker 45 Yeah, he walked.

Speaker 45 Of course, he was. I thought it was like a death trap.
And he's like, I thought the death trap.

Speaker 43 Holy fuck. I'm looking at a picture of it.
It is fucking crazy.

Speaker 45 Yeah, it's crazy. It's really.
It looks like a fire burned it. Yeah, it's, yeah.
I mean, good, great. Good work, everybody.

Speaker 42 Yeah, they knew it was a death trap. The guy gets away with it.
Of course, it's America.

Speaker 45 This guy always gets away with it. Of course.

Speaker 43 Well, what are you going to do? Change your policy and

Speaker 43 go to work?

Speaker 45 I love that this guy is also just like, they probably let him. They were like, you know what?

Speaker 45 We tried to pin this on him. I feel bad.
Let's make him in the general of buildings. Like, it's always like he's going to be promoted exactly into what he should not fucking do.

Speaker 42 Of course they had the workers were black guys in the basement and one of them told the Evening Star that he was concerned about the building's safety just one day before.

Speaker 42 Quote, I told my employer yesterday that the archway would fall for every time anyone walked over the floor, it would bend. I tell you, I was scared and I got out there as quick as I could.

Speaker 45 It was bending and they just kept fucking.

Speaker 45 This reminds me of

Speaker 45 my buddy when I lived in Vegas used to live in this terrible apartment right by the airport.

Speaker 45 And it was so cheap that the floor in the hall, he lived on the second floor, the hallway floor would actually bend like when you walked across it. You guys want that.

Speaker 45 You guys are freaking, you want that. You want a trampoline.

Speaker 43 I think if you're the real estate guy, you're like, and these floors are all minorly trampolined. You're like that.
Bouncing. Very Tom Hanks, very big.

Speaker 42 Yeah, it's a bouncy house and it's going to cost a little bit more.

Speaker 45 This guy would, somebody in his building would tag stuff that was like way too cheap. Like, literally, doors would start like hanging off their hinges and stuff.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 45 And he would tag stuff in the building with this cockroach and write Lakuka Ratcha. And he was like a vigilante of the building.

Speaker 45 I feel like

Speaker 45 you've either told me this or I've heard this, or it's just so relatable that I'm like, yeah, I may have told you about Lakuka Ratcha. That is so fucking crazy.

Speaker 42 Look at the next, the next story is amazing because it keeps up with the theme.

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Speaker 42 Priceless laces lost.

Speaker 42 A startling disclosure was made at the World's Fairgrounds last evening when the priceless laces sent here by Queen Margaret of Italy were unpacked.

Speaker 42 While the laces were being taken out of their case and each piece counted, it was found that 30 pieces of lace were missing.

Speaker 45 By the way, the idea that the police have to open a case about lace stolen from a case,

Speaker 43 it's a classic case of a lace case.

Speaker 45 Lace clothes. I mean, fuck.
This is going to have that long night.

Speaker 42 I just can't believe this is on the same page.

Speaker 45 Well, that's the thing is, like, the people who are like, okay, so we're going to split up the work here at the precinct today.

Speaker 45 We're going to need half you guys on the 22 people died in a big building and the other half, there's these lace cases. Queen's missing her cloth.
Yeah. Boss, can I get on that lace case?

Speaker 45 Because, oh, God. One is like One is a real case, and the other one is like a case for like a cartoon egg to solve.

Speaker 45 Nothing grinds. Dumpty dumpty.

Speaker 43 Nothing grinds my gears more than when an affluent woman's fabric is missing.

Speaker 42 Cablegrams were immediately sent to Rome appraising the queen of her great loss.

Speaker 45 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Say that again? What did you just say?

Speaker 45 Cablegrams were immediately sent to Rome praising the queen of her great loss.

Speaker 43 Oh, no.

Speaker 43 Who is going to break out the bad news to her? Tomisi's not good. What is it about all those people who died in the theater where the president got shot in the back of his head?

Speaker 45 No. Is he going to warse?

Speaker 43 What is she going to wear?

Speaker 45 If you were in Italy and all you heard was like, okay, the town that we sent my laces to, they got stolen. The president got shot there.
Like, America's over, I guess?

Speaker 45 It's called Detroit, the country.

Speaker 43 But also, you got to, it's so fucking funny to steal lace. And then, like, it's probably just some dudes who are like, hey,

Speaker 43 where do you pawn lace?

Speaker 45 Now what? It's so much worse. You know it's so much worse.
There's one guy who's like, dude, I don't.

Speaker 45 Fuck Italy, dude. That was the worst Fettuccine Alfredo I've ever fucking had.
I'll show that. That was awful, dude.
It's coming out of me like I didn't even eat eat it.

Speaker 43 Call me the pasta maker.

Speaker 45 Wow, it's like a forever pasta. You can just keep eating it over and over.

Speaker 43 Hey, hey, hey, guys, can you stop talking over there for a little bit?

Speaker 45 Looking out the window. Yeah, no, for sure.

Speaker 45 No, for sure.

Speaker 45 Forever pasta.

Speaker 43 Please stop eating it out of yourself. Call me the olive garden because I'm never-ending.

Speaker 45 Hey, noodles.

Speaker 43 Why do they call you that, by the way? You don't want to know.

Speaker 42 An effort was made to keep the discovery a secret, but customs officers divulged the startling news.

Speaker 45 So,

Speaker 45 no, no, I love that. Everybody was like,

Speaker 45 we should just lie, right? We don't want to have to deal with this.

Speaker 43 Yeah, I will betray my oath.

Speaker 42 A wife seeks to convict her husband.

Speaker 45 Good luck, Mitch.

Speaker 45 Hard to disagree. Impossible.
Back then, they were like, can you imagine?

Speaker 43 Well, throw her in water. If she doesn't drown, she might have a case.

Speaker 42 And she's dead.

Speaker 45 They were like, did you try dragging her from a horse? That usually fixes mine.

Speaker 43 So strange.

Speaker 42 Miss William Beckwith arrived from Denver last night and is now at work securing evidence to convict her husband of complicity in a big bank robbery in that city in 1891.

Speaker 42 Beckwith Beckwith is serving a term in the Kansas Penitentiary for stealing a bicycle at Leavenworth a few months ago, and Ms. Beckwith is to get $200 if she convicts her husband.

Speaker 45 All right.

Speaker 43 There's a lot going on there, but yes, it does seem strange to be able to bring charges against your husband and when the charges are against the bank.

Speaker 42 And then you get money for, well, right, there's obviously a reward out. And so she'll,

Speaker 42 but he's already in jail.

Speaker 45 Well,

Speaker 45 she's Skylar from Breaking Bad and him.

Speaker 45 She's fucking

Speaker 45 pulled this shit off. She knows about it, and she's holding it over his head.
She's probably fucking Ted right now. You know what I mean?

Speaker 43 You know what? We should remake Breaking Bad all from Skylar's perspective and be like, you know what? We all made fun of her for being kind of annoying, but this is crazy.

Speaker 45 Yeah, it's Breaking Bad from Timon and Pumba's point of view.

Speaker 45 Breaking Bad one and a half. That's what we'll call it.

Speaker 45 That's good, Gareth. I'm writing that down.
I gotta get off the call. I actually have to.
Delete it. It's not a call.
It's a pot. What are you talking about? Oh, fuck.
Kyle. Fuck.

Speaker 43 This was a weird thing.

Speaker 45 Other people can hear this? Yes. No.

Speaker 45 No. No, no, no.

Speaker 50 I'm ruined.

Speaker 45 This is just a little part under

Speaker 45 news brevities.

Speaker 43 Oh, my God.

Speaker 45 News brevities. They're the soul of news wit, Gareth.

Speaker 43 Honestly, news brevities.

Speaker 45 News brevities, fuck off.

Speaker 42 A strange wild human covered with long woolly hair has been discovered near Paducah, Kentucky.

Speaker 45 Headline.

Speaker 45 I'm sorry.

Speaker 45 We're talking about this lady's mad at her husband over $200 or something. Well, honestly.
Put this ahead of the fucking theater.

Speaker 45 I completely agree. I completely agree.
Caveman discovered.

Speaker 43 Give me an amuse bouche before talking about how the building structure just completely collapsed because of incompetence at the top.

Speaker 43 Start with we found a woolly man in Kentucky.

Speaker 45 Dude, the Kentucky Woolly Man? Woolly Bloom. That's like a country music star.

Speaker 45 Kentucky Woolly Blow.

Speaker 43 I'm like, this guy has 4 million followers on TikTok.

Speaker 43 All he does is spin.

Speaker 42 Anthony Scholl, a merchant tailor.

Speaker 43 Is this the story of how the shoal got created?

Speaker 45 Yeah.

Speaker 45 Shoal.

Speaker 42 Anthony, Anton Scholl, a merchant tailor at Odell, drank a half gallon of whiskey and died after suffering great agony.

Speaker 43 This is a separate story.

Speaker 45 This isn't how.

Speaker 45 I thought you were describing how he was. I really on the cage.

Speaker 45 I thought it was the origin story of the wool boy.

Speaker 45 So, of course, he was walking, had a little whiskey, fell into a cage,

Speaker 43 woke up, and he was a lamb.

Speaker 42 Two children of Frank Jewett of La Crosse, Wisconsin, went to sleep on the railroad track and were horribly mangled by a passenger train.

Speaker 45 What? How did it happen, Dave? The only place to not go. Hold on, Kyle.

Speaker 43 Let's learn some of the details. Dave, how did they get run over by a train?

Speaker 42 They were asleep. They had been picking flowers and laid down to rest.

Speaker 43 Absolutely. Okay.
And then how did the train locate them?

Speaker 42 Well, they were laying on the part where the train goes.

Speaker 45 Uh-huh.

Speaker 43 I guess I'm a little confused how the train caused their death. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 42 Have you seen cartoons?

Speaker 43 Not familiar. Anyway, these boys, they passed away from a train, you say.
They were passengers upon it when the train crashed?

Speaker 42 No, they were laying in front of it, sleeping, having a nap.

Speaker 43 But how did they pass?

Speaker 43 I'm sorry, this story just doesn't track.

Speaker 45 I like the idea, though, that

Speaker 45 they were like, yeah, so we decided to just tie ourselves up in a big ball of rope, lay on these railroad trucks,

Speaker 45 wait for a dashing hero.

Speaker 43 Parents in a 50-mile radius now have to add another conversation they have to have with their kids. They get tired picking and pressing flowers.
Don't sleep on the tracks, boys.

Speaker 45 No, see, I think this is... I think that's one of those unnecessary.

Speaker 45 This is why I want to have kids, because if I have to sit you down and be like, listen, just if you're going to sleep anywhere, don't do it in the middle of the freeway. It's a really hard thing.

Speaker 45 It's all the hurdles.

Speaker 42 You realize as a parent that all of the warnings and all of the things, like

Speaker 42 don't hold that knife and put an electric socket, they're all for the dumb kids.

Speaker 45 Excuse me, Dave.

Speaker 43 Some of them walk amongst us.

Speaker 43 It was good to hear that I couldn't have a plug-in radio in the pool.

Speaker 45 Okay.

Speaker 45 Gareth just motioned with a pen. I thought he was going to put it into a light socket.
It's not a pen.

Speaker 43 It's an ear cleaning kit.

Speaker 42 Which he holds during podcasts now.

Speaker 45 He's conducting.

Speaker 45 He's casting spells on Dave.

Speaker 42 The homeliest man in Cimaroon is teaching the prettiest girl in Gray County to get sweet on him.

Speaker 45 What?

Speaker 43 Pardon called grooming.

Speaker 45 Hello.

Speaker 45 Not okay.

Speaker 45 I like how now they're kind of just pitching like good reality shows.

Speaker 43 Yeah, now they're just like, it's like a CBS sitcom.

Speaker 45 This is just 90-day fiancé.

Speaker 43 It's called Homely and Hot. So his name is Jack Homely, and she's Vanessa Hot.

Speaker 45 He's a caveman from Kentucky. Yeah, he's a willy man from Kentucky.
She just divorced her husband, who was a bank robber, and she just got 200 smackaroons.

Speaker 43 She thinks it's a rebound, but then she shaves him. And ooh la la.

Speaker 45 Ooh la la.

Speaker 42 The predominance of red-headed people in Coffeeville is supposed to have something to do with the

Speaker 42 get-upiveness of that town.

Speaker 45 Okay.

Speaker 45 Getupi-connects.

Speaker 45 People. Get redots.

Speaker 42 Red-headed people are

Speaker 42 more excitable and awful.

Speaker 45 According to who.

Speaker 42 Well, that's just biology.

Speaker 45 Stop.

Speaker 42 This is why there has to be and we will tell you why there has to be a purge.

Speaker 45 My mom is big. So my mom's a redhead, and she's really big into redhead advocacy.

Speaker 43 As if being redheaded isn't embarrassing enough.

Speaker 43 Just out in front of a store

Speaker 45 with reds. Please.

Speaker 45 Remember, she's posted before like a picture of

Speaker 45 Daphne from Scooby-Doo and all these red-headed characters from Poppy.

Speaker 43 Mom, one of those is a cartoon, but a hero nonetheless,

Speaker 43 Daphne crawled so you could run.

Speaker 42 Plenty of perfume, but no bathtubs.

Speaker 43 Jesus Christ, these bullet pointers. I mean, you started with the long Odyssey of the fourth theater.

Speaker 42 Plenty of... I know, right?

Speaker 45 Now it's sweet.

Speaker 45 What the fuck are they talking about?

Speaker 42 The present craze for sweet scents, like all the other elegances dates back to the days of courtly luxury in france

Speaker 43 by the way it's 1893 so they're just like any smell that's good you're like that's nice that's addictive

Speaker 43 i'm gonna put this all over my balls and you do the same with your twat it's gasoline and they're like this is so good

Speaker 45 She smells beautiful. I'm passing out.

Speaker 45 Well, don't pass out near that railing. The whole building will fall over.

Speaker 43 Hey, guys, I invented chloroform. Smell it.

Speaker 45 Guys, I gotta go upstairs. Smell this weird jar.
Are the stairs safe yet? No, they won't be ever. Okay.

Speaker 42 Madame Pompadour. Madame Pompadour.

Speaker 44 I've come up with a hairstyle.

Speaker 45 I just can't believe her name.

Speaker 42 Madame Pompadour spent $100,000 for this part of her toilet each year, and the court of Louis XV was known as the Scented Court.

Speaker 43 Oh my God.

Speaker 45 Wait, Dave, wait.

Speaker 43 Are we talking?

Speaker 45 Royal urinal cakes?

Speaker 43 Just, I mean, like, basically

Speaker 43 a toilet potpourri that's built in.

Speaker 45 Yeah.

Speaker 42 She's. I believe that they're saying, yes.
Louis XV.

Speaker 43 Known for taking the grossest dumps. Louis XV had a toilet that wouldn't stink.

Speaker 45 It took 500 clerks three years to crack the code to create a glade plug-in.

Speaker 43 Louis XIV was the Sun King, and the 15th was the Dung King.

Speaker 42 What if we put roses next to your sheet?

Speaker 43 It won't be enough. I really take bad crap.

Speaker 45 Use a layer of oil to trap it in.

Speaker 42 Hostesses of the grand entertainments informed their guests what particular perfume was to be employed for scenting the rooms, that no other other odors might be used by the guests.

Speaker 45 This is really good because my forever pasta is starting to smell weird.

Speaker 45 So if I could soak it in there for a little bit, that'd be a killer. This fucking killer.
Do you guys mind?

Speaker 43 And by the way, have you met Jack Macaroni?

Speaker 43 But think about smells when they're getting invented at this caliber, at this level.

Speaker 43 Invented?

Speaker 45 They've been around for a while. Invented smells.

Speaker 45 The tech is speeding up. The tech isn't speeding up.

Speaker 42 This is insane. You say inventing smells.

Speaker 45 These people's bodies are inventing some smells. Well, I mean good smells.
What the fuck? I mean, Romans smells. Hold on.

Speaker 43 If you start doing Roman stuff on me again, Dave, I will drive to your house and curbs you.

Speaker 45 The Romans invented all the perfumes. Romans.
Romans invented smell, Garrett.

Speaker 43 They honestly might.

Speaker 45 By the way, Egypt's like, hello.

Speaker 43 We had bird gods.

Speaker 42 At a court, a different perfume was prescribed for every day in the week.

Speaker 42 In the meantime, the gospel of soap and water was unknown to the finest ladies, and the gorgeous palace at Versailles did not contain a single bathroom until one was arranged for the use of Marie Antoinette.

Speaker 42 So previous to that, all the little richie fancies were just shitting out.

Speaker 45 Marie goes, I got the cake shits. I'm going to need a whole room.
Cake shits.

Speaker 43 Marie has to poop so bad, we might need to put a hole in the house.

Speaker 45 Oh, you guys, my cake is fucking just crazy. Where she cuffs.

Speaker 45 I think there was some lace in the cake. Somebody lace in the cake.

Speaker 43 All right, we don't need to hear your life story.

Speaker 45 Just go do it.

Speaker 43 Oh, about a fancy party, everyone having to go shit in a yard.

Speaker 43 Pardon me, darling. I have to go outside and crap

Speaker 45 it's a garden party

Speaker 45 just like looks like fire fest

Speaker 45 the things these gnomes have seen

Speaker 45 i'm actually just a child

Speaker 45 oh good news story okay

Speaker 42 they wanted money A paragraph has been around

Speaker 42 of the papers to the effect that several wealthy residents of Florence have offered to place their villas at the disposal of Queen Victoria for the summer.

Speaker 42 The fact is that every such offer which was received was accompanied by a demand for quite exorbitant rents. One residence being valued by its owner at the easy rate of $4,000 per week.

Speaker 45 Oh shot. Which

Speaker 45 then is like 20 years.

Speaker 43 Dave's dogs are unionizing.

Speaker 43 Yeah, well, it is like, I mean, it's essentially what we deal with now, right? I mean, they basically were just like.

Speaker 42 They're landlords.

Speaker 45 Yeah, they're landlords, right?

Speaker 42 Yeah. But 4,000 a week in 1890, what is this? 1890.

Speaker 45 I mean, like L.A.

Speaker 43 fire prices.

Speaker 45 Yeah, I like the idea that you adjust 4,000 for inflation from the 1600s and it's like still less than a one-bedroom in Brooklyn today.

Speaker 45 Well, if you want to live in Bedford Stye, I mean,

Speaker 45 you know, a lot of people want to live there, buddy.

Speaker 43 It's also great to be like, we're offering Queen Victoria the place for as long as she wants it. Oh, well, that's very nice.
Yeah, four grand a week. And that's

Speaker 45 yeah. I keep DMing Kesha, my apartment, for $38,000 a month.
She keeps not getting back to me.

Speaker 43 Does anyone? I called the label, but they say that.

Speaker 43 They say they don't get involved.

Speaker 45 Dear Queen Latifah,

Speaker 45 Your Highness, it would be my honor.

Speaker 42 That's $146,000 a week.

Speaker 45 I'm negotiating. You push back with your own number.
That's like a good number to start with. It's called negotiating.

Speaker 43 I say $146 for a week. You say $50.

Speaker 45 I don't know. You've seen shark tank.
You've seen shark tank.

Speaker 43 Take an offer, babe.

Speaker 45 We can play this game all fucking. You can take away.

Speaker 43 You say a dollar. We meet in the middle of 42K.

Speaker 42 I mean, come on. You're a queen, right?

Speaker 43 You're a queen, for the love of God.

Speaker 43 You need somewhere to cake shit.

Speaker 45 The money is you.

Speaker 45 You are the money. It's just do you more.
It's fine. Have printed or whatever, however, it works.
I don't know how it works. I just want it.

Speaker 43 Some guy paints it as a

Speaker 45 pain.

Speaker 45 God.

Speaker 42 All right, last one.

Speaker 42 Bananas as food.

Speaker 45 Can you imagine a world in which such crazy sentences could be spoken?

Speaker 43 We're just ending on the monkey times.

Speaker 45 The thing normally used for choking babies we didn't want could be food.

Speaker 45 Before they knew they could open them, beneath the horrible peely rind actually exists quite a delicious dessert. I've finally gotten it one.

Speaker 45 I like that this.

Speaker 43 Before peeling, you just squish it. That's nice.

Speaker 45 It's the 1600s, and we're still getting Chiquita propaganda right now.

Speaker 43 It's the 1800s.

Speaker 45 I don't know.

Speaker 45 Any time is before like 1980 could be this. It's all like the same 10 years.

Speaker 43 What a fucking millennial.

Speaker 45 He

Speaker 45 Clinton was in charge. Yeah, if it came out before the Dana Carvey show, I don't know.

Speaker 45 It's

Speaker 45 What? Just 1400?

Speaker 43 I do D C A D.

Speaker 45 Yeah, Cleopatra, she was just shoot me, right? Oh my god, Kyle.

Speaker 43 She was real must-see TV.

Speaker 42 The banana seems to be as poor an article of food as the potato.

Speaker 45 What the get fucked?

Speaker 45 I'm English, and that's offensive.

Speaker 45 I like how this opens with some real shade of like, could you imagine a loser eating a banana? anyway

Speaker 43 they should be put in camps

Speaker 42 okay so the banana seems to be as poor as an article of food as the potato which it greatly resembles

Speaker 45 no not at all

Speaker 45 is this written by a blind armless man this guy was like they were going around and they were he was like man i just really need to get an article today if i don't get an article they're like okay we need somebody who's eating a lot of bananas he's like i could do it they're like you've you've had a banana joe and he's like like, oh, yeah.

Speaker 45 Yeah, yeah. The tree potato.

Speaker 42 It's like the brown thing.

Speaker 45 Well, they can get brown, but they're not.

Speaker 42 You know, you take off the peel off the

Speaker 43 gravy. I know it.

Speaker 42 Yeah, mashed bananas. Okay.

Speaker 43 Yeah, you do mashed bananas or a baked banana or French bananas.

Speaker 45 They start going, I think he knows more about bananas than we do, actually. Maybe he should have.

Speaker 42 It contains 1.71 per

Speaker 42 cent of

Speaker 45 1. Albinum

Speaker 45 help keep you white.

Speaker 45 A growing boy needs them.

Speaker 42 Of albamoids, while the potato contains the same proportion. Man, under

Speaker 42 normal circumstances, requires 4.2 ounces of flesh-forming substances daily in order to obtain

Speaker 42 which from bananas he would have to consume, which from bananas he would have to consume 15 pounds of the fruit containing nine pints of water.

Speaker 43 This is a I am obviously, like all of us, very lost in what this guy's saying, but at least we know it's so inaccurate.

Speaker 45 It's crazy. I do.
I do. Here's the thing.
I don't trust anything he's saying, but I am hitting subscribe on this guy's tweets because

Speaker 45 he is doing something.

Speaker 45 And then

Speaker 45 Rogan's like really yeah yeah

Speaker 45 this guy's like did you know you actually have to eat 15 times all the bananas that even exist

Speaker 43 a human boy needs 4.1 albinoids otherwise his skeleton becomes his skin yeah Joe did you know you need 42 midichlurians to reach ketosis

Speaker 45 Jamie can you look up albanoids and potatoes unfortunately Jamie didn't eat enough bananas he's now just bones also I like the idea that they're like they're like no listen whether or not bananas are healthy we're not sure we could put it up against the healthiest food of all, the potato.

Speaker 45 Obviously, yeah.

Speaker 43 There's two foods, potatoes and bananas.

Speaker 45 Pick.

Speaker 45 What? You pick one. We won't create superfoods for 200 years, but the potatoes here.

Speaker 42 I mean, essentially, they created a fake

Speaker 42 content in bananas, and then they said that people need a certain amount of that. So then you'd have to eat 15 bananas a day,

Speaker 42 15 pounds of bananas a day, not realizing you can eat other food also. Like you,

Speaker 42 this article is saying you can't eat only bananas.

Speaker 45 It really, well, I guarantee you that was the takeaway for a few people to see shortly thereafter.

Speaker 45 This, this, this writer's wife is a monkey, and he's like, I just feel like I got that.

Speaker 45 Say something.

Speaker 45 She keeps controlling the marriage. It's just the coroner.

Speaker 43 What got him, sir?

Speaker 43 Another boy just dead from nanners.

Speaker 45 How many did he eat?

Speaker 45 17 pounds.

Speaker 43 These kids are so misinformed.

Speaker 45 He's going, honey, I don't, I mean, I don't know who this, who this John Campbell guy is writing this article, but this is a pretty interesting article, babe.

Speaker 43 Hey, honey, you know, you got to eat 15 pounds of bananas a day to live. She's like,

Speaker 45 all right, I understand. I understand.

Speaker 45 I understand.

Speaker 42 Bananas then are unsuited to a man's diet, although a delicious accessory to a more nitrogenious food.

Speaker 43 Nitrogeneous food.

Speaker 45 I thought they were going to say, but it's fine for a woman to eat on occasion.

Speaker 43 But it's all your wife should have.

Speaker 45 Holy fuck.

Speaker 43 Well, what a ride, as always. Kyle, thank you for joining us.

Speaker 43 People can go to Kyle Anderson Comedy to watch your documentaries that are

Speaker 45 check them out.

Speaker 43 And

Speaker 43 Dave, I think you lost this episode.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 45 As long as you're open.

Speaker 45 All right.

Speaker 45 See you guys at this banana aisle. Bye.

Speaker 42 Bananle.

Speaker 42 Some of these days,

Speaker 42 you'll miss me, honey.

Speaker 42 Some of these days.

Speaker 51 What's up, doll heads? Join the Gear Force. Come on.
Go to Garethrones.com for tickets and information like going to see my new special taping.

Speaker 51 That's right, I'm taping a new hour on October 4th at the Den Theater in Chicago, Illinois. Two shows, a 7:15 and a 9:30.

Speaker 51 But before that, you can see me in Bozeman, Montana, September 5th and September 6th. Los Angeles at the Lyric Hyperion Theater, September 13th, September 16th.

Speaker 51 Then I'll be in Pasadena, California, September 17th. And then I will be in San Diego at the American Comedy Co.
on September 21st. I'll be in Chandler, Arizona, September 24th.

Speaker 51 Kansas City, Missouri, September 26th, September 27th. Columbia, Missouri, September 28th.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin, September 30th. Appleton, Wisconsin, October 1st.
Fort Wayne, Indiana, October 3rd.

Speaker 51 Two shows. And like I said, the special taping, October 4th, two shows.
And then in November, November 6th, 7th, 8th, I'll be in Sunnyvale, California at Rooster T Feathers.

Speaker 51 Go to GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information.

Speaker 43 Join me.

Speaker 50 Elite Basketball returns to the Elite Caribbean destination. It's the 2025 Battle for Atlantis men's tournament happening November 26th to 28th.
Don't miss hometown team St.

Speaker 50 Mary's, along with Colorado State, Vanderbilt, Virginia Tech, Western Kentucky, South Florida, VCU, and Wichita State, playing 12 games over three days.

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