121 - The Past Times with Kyle Anderson

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All right, everybody.

Welcome to the Pastimes Podcast.

Each week, we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, the great Kyle Anderson.

Who's in slime, it looks like?

Yeah, well, I just figured if I have a green screen background, people can, you know, they can green screen me into like January 6th or whatever.

We are strongly encouraging everyone on our Patreon or anywhere who's watching this or consuming it, please do some January 6th photoshopping with Kyle back there.

Yeah.

As soon as you can.

Kyle, please put him at January 6th.

Kyle, you used to have the horns and the fur.

Yeah, your elk boy.

Yeah,

I was his sidekick elk boy.

I was slightly out of most of the pictures.

He really stole the thunder.

Yeah, Yeah, he's kind of, you know what I mean?

We were a joint venture, and then I kind of feel like he sort of was like QAnon shaman and Elk Boy could have been a good branding.

Well, a lot of people took Staplers and stuff that day, but what I loved about the Elk Shaman was that he walked in there and said, where's the thunder?

Because boy, howdy, did he steal it?

Kyle.

People could go on your YouTube, Kyle Anderson.

Yeah, Kyle Anderson Comedy on YouTube.

I make documentaries on there.

You've made some great documentaries.

Yes, you have.

What's your favorite?

And then I'll tell you mine.

Well, I have a lot of them I've made on there.

Probably my favorite one is about Dow, which is this like insane.

Basically, there's this Russian filmmaker who convinced a Russian oligarch.

to give him like a limitless budget and shoot for seven years.

Oh my God, I haven't seen this one.

Everybody was like method acting for seven years and he got like real ex-KGB to play the KGB.

So, like, if you had your iPhone out, you got like thrown in like the jail on set, and like it became like this, like, Stanford prison experiment.

And then there's seven movies made out of it, and there's

like they're really the DP is incredible.

So, they like, they're amazing.

Part of me is like, should I not watch this?

And do you want to do an episode on it, Dave, if we ever go to Russia?

Yeah, kind of.

Yeah, it's in the Ukraine.

Well,

you also self-ignited your own industry when you made the Crystalia problem.

Again, Dave and I, he's a friend of show.

Friend of show.

Friend of show.

He's a friend of show.

So we don't actually like what you did to our boy.

I'm actually not a fan of his comedy, but I'm a huge fan of his off-stage work, if that makes sense.

Well,

I'm a fan of the Snapchat.

I got the tattoo around here somewhere on my neck.

He didn't even ask me to, but I just...

Some of the ladies who had it, I wanted to go.

How funny would it be if I got the same neck tattoo he got this week?

Here's what you do.

That would be so bizarre.

I'm getting delightful on my neck.

You literally, Kyle, this is what I would love for you.

Whatever he puts out, you spoof it word for word and just do it a week later.

So every clip that comes out, everything he has, you pretend you have a kid.

Every post, just

live in a Dalia worm all the week.

Anyway, he's friendly to show, so we don't want to.

Life slips.

He loves it when we rib him about all of his

sexual proclivities, crimes that people call him crimes.

I was going to wear my Brendan Schaub hoodie.

Tell Dave what I dropped off at your house yesterday.

Oh, my God.

So the rap gift for our movie, fucking Gareth comes over and brings me

a whiskey decanter.

And I'm like, oh my God, that's amazing.

And he's like, oh, my God, a decanter.

That's so nice.

And then he's like, pull it out, buddy.

Fucking pull it out.

And I pull it out.

It's a

Bill Mars podcast club random.

It's a club random whiskey decanter with a catching whiskey glass.

And I came in and I started moving my wedding pictures out of the way and shit.

I'm like, this got out of here.

We got This house is a Club Random House.

My wife is like, okay, I guess.

By the way, Club Random House did the dollop book.

Anyway, Kyle,

here's what we do here.

I know you've never listened to the show.

You've made that very clear online.

We're going to guess the year that this paper could be from.

Now,

Dave will make it seem like you win no matter what, but you're going to guess first.

Could be 1600s, could be 2004.

Okay?

But it's probably going to be in the the middle there.

You take a guess first, then I'll guess.

Whoever's closer gets to sleep at Dave's house.

For two years.

For two years.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm going to go with one of my favorite years in cinema, in movies, 1999.

You're out of your mind.

You never have listened to this podcast.

Not going to win tonight.

I'm about to win this motherfucker.

Is it the worst thing about this podcast that any of the stories you cover could be from 1680 or like this week?

yes yeah no we talk about it all the time where we're like it's like that joke is honestly where like i every time i make it i'm like i'll do it one more time hey

dave times were very different back then

um

i'm gonna guess the year is 1894.

oh my god

kyle so close Kyle wins.

It is 1893.

Shut the fuck up.

Is it 1893?

Is that the closest you've ever gotten?

Yeah.

No, I've gotten it right before, and Dave still said the guest was right.

Well, the vibes are off and off.

Shut up with the vibes.

You are Dalia.

A year.

That's impressive.

It's just out of all of them that there are.

It's a lot of them, too.

You can look it up.

This is the

Havana Press, Havana, Kansas.

By the way, to make a good cigar, you got to do the Havana Press.

The Havana Press is my wrestling finisher move.

Hey, the Havana Press.

That's what the Cuban Bulls did.

Oh, my God.

The Cuban Bull.

He's about to hit the Havana Press.

There are bodies everywhere.

He's literally eating a guy's face.

Jesus Christ!

Is he allowed to do that?

It's wrestling, buddy.

Anything goes.

The ref has his back turned for some reason.

He's literally eating his brains out

All right, this first story is really long, but I had no idea about this and it's crazy

a terrible disaster

Collapse of the old Ford Theater in Washington

Ford's historic old theater, the building in which Abraham Lincoln was assassinated.

That theater was like, we also still do plays.

It's like terrible tragedy.

Theater turned into comedy club.

Nobody could have thought it could go this dark.

Which has been used by the government for many years as part of the office of the Surgeon General of the Army.

Sure.

I mean, wait, wait.

So

the place he got shot was then turned into like anater was turned into an office for the Surgeon General.

Yeah, because I'm sure nobody wanted to go to the theater after that.

Oh, I did.

So they're

100%.

That's how that's the difference between then and now is now everyone would be like, I gotta make a TikTok where the president

caps, dude.

If you're not making content, if that place isn't on fucking Peer Space, the rent out hourly, dude.

What I do is I'd like sign the docu sign and then be like, oh, wait, is that where Lincoln got shot?

Oh, shit.

no wonder the numbers suck

i just heard it was a five-hour drive from baltimore i was like okay yeah i'm doing a photo shoot uh with this girl we're gonna do one of those ones where they're you know like a bath of milk we're doing it where lincoln got shot it's gonna be

TikToking where Lincoln got shot.

We're shooting a rap video.

The budget's $300, but we got the place that Lincoln got shot.

Hey, we got that booth where Lincoln got shot.

We got the booth where Lincoln got shot up there.

It's extra for the booth.

Yeah.

That's the guy who runs it now.

Are you John Wilkes Booth in a mustache?

No.

Yeah, he's super cool.

I mean, I guess you guys can use the booth.

You guys can do it.

Oh, boy.

Whose dogs?

My dogs.

The male carrier.

No, the neighbor's

lawn guy is here.

Hold on.

Let me deal with it.

Neighbor's lawn guy is here.

It sounds like a porn.

Yeah.

Dave's about to go and get his dick sucked.

He fell.

Dave almost fell.

What if Dave.

That would be amazing.

If Dave fell and we were.

600 golden doodles come in the room.

Yeah.

But if Dave fell and passed out, and you and I had to figure out a way to get the authorities to Dave's place, and Dave slipped in his hallway on a Riverside Record.

Are you guys laughing at because I have a fake leg?

A peg leg?

Yeah, I have a peg leg.

I'm not going to say that anymore.

I have a peg leg is not peaceful.

Yeah, I mean, but I have a peg leg.

There's a paradox.

It's not a peg leg.

She's a wooden limb.

The parrot's like, it's a pain.

All right,

back to the story.

Which has been used by the government for many years as part of the office of the surgeon general of the army, collapsed yesterday morning shortly after 9:30 o'clock.

Nobody says it like that.

Nope, not okay.

Nobody says 9:30 o'clock.

I am honestly going to start using that.

If someone

is 10:30 o'clock, oh, you gotta hit Gareth in the back of the head with the shoe again.

He's doing it again.

11:45 o'clock.

Oh, get the shoe, get the shoe.

He's all fucked up.

Noon o'clock.

Oh, God, we need the shoe.

Where is it?

With a terrible result in loss of life and injury, at least 24 persons were killed and scores injured.

I mean, that's impressive.

Scores injured.

That's a lot of.

The building stood on 10th Street.

Okay, who cares?

It had been condemned three times.

The first

then it's not condemned if there's still people inside.

Well, I mean, this is America.

This is America America.

Like, someone comes in, like, some guy's like, yeah, this is all going to collapse.

And they're like, all right, cool.

We're not going to do anything.

All right.

scores of us are about to head in there though you got a problem with that nah that should be fine come on guys let's go you it's you guys are worried about the collapsing a president was shot in there scores of us yeah it's really like you remember when uh when the dude from fast the furious died and everybody was like r.

I p him yeah R.I.P.

Paul Walker and the other dude in the car.

Yeah.

That's how I feel about this place.

You don't want to ever be like, that's why I won't ever get in the car with a movie star.

Right, right.

You can't be the third most famous person who died.

Yeah, the idea that it's like Paul Walker, his best friend, and the third.

It has been condemned three times.

The first years ago, some claim as many as 15 or 20, but had been repaired, propped up, and renovated from year to year.

Okay.

When it was condemned by Colonel Rogers of the War Department in 1880, so that's 13 years ago.

Also, jobs like the War Department, like people condemning buildings, that like that, that job isn't even a thing anymore.

Yeah.

Well, he condemned it on signal.

Not a lot of people know that.

Did we get Syria to think somehow that they paid us to condemn it?

And the government then promptly moved out its medical museum, which was a great.

That must have been a house of horror.

The medical museum was in there?

Yeah.

Where else would you put it?

Why was it quite carrying a brain?

Just like, sorry, we got evicted.

This is my wife.

Yeah, yeah, this is all that remains of my wife.

He's got lungs slung over his shoulder.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, scores.

Hardened scores.

It started because there was just blood and bandages on the floor.

And they're like, well, what the fuck do we do with this?

Well, we either clean it or we make it a museum.

This place has got to be really shitty if theater kids won't even be in here.

If you can't get a group of theater kids to do a musical inside a place, it is fucked up.

It is fucked up.

Look, we're eight appendages away from this being a museum, kind of.

How are we going to get all these bodies out of here?

Will you?

No, no.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

If you turn this into one of them bodies exhibits.

We got a bunch of lemons, and you're like, what are we going to drink?

I got an idea.

Do we still got the Lincoln body or is that out of there?

There's some brain we could chip off the wall.

Have you guys ever seen the bodies exhibit?

Like the one that they toured around?

Absolutely.

I saw it like when I was 14 and I was like, why'd that happen?

Yeah, I don't.

Just what I always wanted to know.

What was it like if I was paging through a body, like a book?

Oh my God.

I also saw it at like a honestly, it looks like you're at like a Morton's and you're like, that's a nice marbled ribbon.

But it's just the cross-section of a dick.

Dude,

bad.

There is, right?

Yes.

That was crazy.

That was like the last, the guy was like, hey, what do you say?

We maybe also do with a big dick.

People are like,

Trevor, can we talk to you over here for a second?

I already did it.

It's come out.

There you go.

It's already decoupaged.

It's come out that, like, not all of those people volunteered, also.

Oh,

oh my God.

Of course they didn't.

Some of them did, but a lot of them.

Some of them just signed up for 23andMe.

A lot of them were like, this is the line for Dine In, right?

Can you imagine figuring that out?

Like you're at the fucking place and you're just looking like, hey, this mirrors just look a lot like Kevin.

I don't think he said yeah to this.

That's definitely the cross-section of Kevin's dick if I ever seen it.

Well look, right in the middle middle of his dick, I always thought it looked like you can count the rings.

It's his exact age.

38.

How many dudes just missing, like Kevin is missing, but would be 38 rings deep.

Excuse me, there'll be no trying to figure out who it is.

Keep moving.

We've got to bring it back.

Page by page.

Hey, I brought my own slice of a dick.

Is that?

All right, let's.

This guy's here again.

Sir, sir, can we talk to you over here?

We've asked you.

Do you want to see it?

No, we're not like a gallery.

Okay, yeah.

Don't worry.

You get caught.

I've got the real one.

Get caught with the deeper one.

What's going on over there?

Don't worry.

This guy's got it.

Security, get this guy.

Yeah, he's suspicious.

Not me.

That's a weird jacket you have on.

Just walking around in there.

Hey, buddy, you like that one?

Check out this one.

By the way, how fucking

begging for a night of the museum rip off that sound.

I'm fucking installed at installation.

Yeah,

28 days later, means a 19th of a guy like, hi!

Just

draws the night watchman in.

Yeah.

Let me out.

I was murdered.

I know where there's treasure.

And then he takes him over to another slice of dick.

There it is.

We named him Treasure.

He was a stripper.

Some of us were scientists, but most of us were strippers.

It's the final strip.

Is there any way I could see like a more cut-up vagina?

I mean, it's by definition, it's kind of what a dick his dicks are.

Anyway, I gotta go.

Okay, so moved out of its medic museum.

They're stored and exhibited, but the caution then displayed extended only to the exhibits.

And the building had since been kept crowded with clerks despite successive condemnation.

So they, so they were like, they condemned

people in.

Well, they moved out the museum, and then they're just like, well, we'll have employees in here instead.

They're like, yeah, no, the museum was not what we were worried about.

Okay, we replaced all the exhibits with humans.

It's very good to be like to be like okay we got to get the important shit out of here like the vats of old brains just put some like workers in here those don't matter yes

scores of workers

okay guess how many workers oh jesus christ

i mean you're the fact that you're saying guesses makes me upset so i'm gonna i'll guess

i mean it's a theater it's like how much shit could you do i'm setting up my typewriter up in the booth yeah like

yeah where are they working and what are they doing

I'm going to guess

just to just to not over guess it, the thing where I say a thousand and you're like, 120 asshole.

I'm going to say 48.

It's 475.

What the fuck?

What in the fuck are they doing?

What are they doing?

How are they, how is the setup?

This is awesome.

It's an open space work situation.

We don't have computers yet, so together we're just one big computer.

We're each in charge of a letter.

That is shocking.

Shocking.

Like, that's that, that, if there was a play and that was that many people there, you would be.

Right?

That's a lot.

Yeah.

Sold out.

Yeah.

There were 475 persons, mostly government clerks, employed in the building, and near all of those were at work.

Were at work when the building fell.

They did get dodge.

They got dozed.

They all got.

You're telling me 500 people got collapsed in the building where Lincoln got shot and we're still calling it the building where Lincoln got shot.

Yes, I know.

Paul Walker.

Hello.

But one guy frees the slaves.

They should put Lincoln's brain in that like that exhibit.

You know.

It's got the pollen in it still.

Yeah.

An excavation for an electric light plant was being made in the cellar of the structure.

And according to the best information obtainable, the workmen this morning had dug beneath the foundation supports in the front of the building.

So they're doing

this.

This is what I was going to say is the building is now three times condemned.

And they're like, what if we got rid of all the ground under it?

I want to see Jesse Venturiro break this one down.

It's a control demolition.

I like to imagine the whole place is just like, it's like shaking back and forth.

And they're like, I think up is bad, but down could work.

Honestly, when it first got said, I was like, you can't take a building down from down up.

That all works.

You ever seen news change?

I mean, they're literally, it's a condemned building.

And someone's like, what if we put an electric light plant underneath it?

Yeah, let's start digging while everyone's here.

What if we fill it with people, then it can't topple over?

Because it's so full of it.

They're like, wait.

Yeah.

What's cheap and takes up space?

Meanwhile, the cast of Midsummer's like, can you keep it down?

Here's what we're doing.

The whole building is toppling over and they're all like, jellical cats.

Jellico cats.

Okay, so.

Mistopheles!

His magic couldn't even get him out of this one.

So the workmen this morning had dug beneath the foundation supports in the front of the building, weakening them to such an extent that the walls gave way before they could be jacked.

It sounds like a come-and-go rest-up.

Yeah, you get in the great cast party.

You could get janked, dude.

This explanation of the cause of the accident is the only one advanced, but it seems somewhat strange in view of the fact that the top floor gave way first.

See?

There's three stories.

Big kids, three stories.

There's a C theory where they're all like playing the video back.

They're like, like, the pancake.

The building doesn't fall like that.

It doesn't work.

Yeah, they're loose changing this.

Yeah, they are loose changing this.

Yeah.

Men who are in the building say the crash came without warning.

Those on the top floor were suddenly precipitated to the floor below.

Precipitated to the best way of saying it.

They fell to their death.

Yeah.

Turned to mulch.

Another one gone from precipitated.

We lost 700 today to precipitation.

And the weight of the falling timber and furniture carried the second and first floors down.

The furniture.

The idea that they're like, you know what it really was?

I think it was the digging plus the furniture.

It was the incessant digging below the foundation and all those top floor couches.

Well, I was telling everybody we didn't need 48 bookshelves on top of 400 people in the shambling,

price-destroyed building that we're digging out from under.

At least we got the brain vat out of there.

Some guy comes out of the rubble just holding a slice of dick.

We could rebuild.

We haven't.

He's the one the prophecy spoke of,

Kevin.

The insecurity of the building had been repeatedly reported for a long time past.

Whenever a heavily loaded wagon has gone by the building, it seemed to sway as the clerks describe the sensation.

That's fucking crazy.

What are they doing in this building?

Literally, it's moving when people like breathe against it.

A wagon.

Like your first day at work and you're like, is it swaying?

It's probably a heavy wagon.

When they go by, it's pretty bad.

Also, do you know how fast a wagon goes?

Oh my God.

It'll be over in an hour.

When the first rumbling warning of the approaching collapse came, the clerks on the third floor, to the number of 80 rushed to the windows and jump for the roof of an annex and escape.

Imagine seeing,

hey, what are you guys doing?

Dude,

I mean three days.

Is it just weird those guys just jump out of the window?

Even better, you're just like, you're in the saloon, you're just like washing a mug.

You know, you look out the window and you see like World War Z80 clerks parkouring out of a window

chasing Jason Bourne.

None of those who escaped injury could tell when the floors first gave way.

To the occupants of each floor, there was but one crash heard, and instantly the whole building was filled with blinding lime dust.

What the fuck?

Well, we use it to build in case somebody comes in, they want to take over the building, we'll destroy it, we'll blind them with lime dust.

Lime dust!

We booby trap!

You gotta think these things through when you build.

It's like a Sprite 9-11

Running through all the stories and in the middle of the building was a light wall 10 feet or more long and nearly as wide.

The fatal area was in front of this, leaving a space of six or seven feet.

The back part of the building, containing more than half of the floor space, remained intact.

I'm going to be honest, the fact that they're still investigating past

the obvious

is really crazy.

The fact that they've been like

there was also a light wall.

It's like, I think there was a lot of issues, dude.

Yeah.

It was all those Ottomans.

Okay, this is...

Okay, when did this happen, though?

Because

this is dated

June 10th.

So this paper is June 16th.

Okay, so it's recent.

So So it happened a week ago.

So now here's a follow-up a couple days later on June 13th.

Ainsworth denounced messengers of Colonel Ainsworth told the clerks with bated breath that it was the colonel's orders that the clerks walk softly and go up and down the stairs on tiptoe.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

You mean it's like a haunted house.

He goes, look, we could fix the place.

Anybody could fix a building, but my staff knows how to lose weight.

And they need it.

When they're all dead, I told them not to walk so heel-heavy.

They were asking for it.

This is like, this should be like the first thing that is read to people who are thinking about maybe unionizing.

Yes.

I was literally going to be like, hey, you guys know how we're getting rid of Osho right now?

You know how that rules?

Hey, guys.

Walk softly into that great second story.

Oh, my God.

The building was known known to all of the clerks as the death trap.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ.

And not because of Lincoln.

This fucking building.

Imagine having where the president got shot at being like, I think we can out-tragedy that.

Oh, my God.

But the bread, but their bread and butter depended on their work there, so they could do nothing.

There'll be no butter.

Union.

union.

There'll be no butter.

And there's a bread tax.

Such was the sensational testimony given yesterday before the coroner's jury investigating the Ford's Theater disaster last Friday by Smith Thompson, one of the clerks who had escaped the disaster.

Smith Thompson, the clerk who had denounced Colonel Ainsworth at the relief meeting Friday and had given the sensational testimony above, said he had been a civil engineer.

Wow.

Oh my God, there were civil engineers in the fucking pitch.

And they're like, hey, this is real bad.

What do you know?

Like everything.

This guy goes, I'm a civil engineer.

They go, what?

He goes, it's a job we invented six days ago when the building got destroyed.

Every day he went below stairs and watched the progress of the excavation.

He saw no pillars or props used in holding up the first floor.

They're excavating without propping it up.

You don't need that, though.

All right, all right.

All right.

Sky is falling, chicken little.

Dave, let me tell you a thing or two.

You don't need those.

Beams are overrated.

They're like trying to dig it out with like Minecraft logic.

Or they're like, it'll just stay in place.

Take out everything underneath.

I'm telling you, it's going to work.

I watched my kid do this a bunch.

He does it all the fucking time.

He's a civil engineer.

As they're digging.

How come they never put schools on mines?

Would you keep digging and shut the fuck up?

You're right.

Our work depends on us being here.

Shut the fuck up.

Fuck.

The one stairway was not sufficient for the rapid exit of one half the clerks in safety.

No, no, no.

Guys, flee on your tippy toes.

Flee on your tippy toes.

In going down the stairway, he heard clerks call out, take care, the stairs are unsafe.

This is insane.

I mean,

it's very rare rare when a paper starts off with a banger and it has the length it deserves, but this is one that's doing it right.

Dude, this is also, you know, this colonel was like, I mean, if anything does happen, they'll at least all die.

Yeah.

And then when that guy made it to trial, he was like, shit.

I know he should have made the stairs worse.

Yeah.

He's doing like the home alone stuff.

He's putting like tar and like

nails on the stairs.

Seating

The colonel tried to homolog my client.

He's just sitting there.

I don't know what the hell.

How the hell does this guy even know about

the door handles were hot.

My client's head was burned from a torch.

Is your client currently tying a string to a paint can?

Your honor,

I bet you can't catch me.

I'm all the way up here.

Colonel, sit down.

And now,

for the survivors, why were the stairs iced so they slid as they came out of the building?

I wanted to get them down as fast as possible.

That's the same with the mini cars at the base of the stairway.

I was hoping that would help scoot them along, huh?

You understand?

Okay.

At this stage in Mr.

Thompson's testimony,

there was a strange scene illustrating the bitter feelings against Colonel Ainsworth.

A majority of the spectators present were clerks who had been employed in the old theater building.

And Mr.

Warner

hated that.

They're all like, it's like a Simpsons gag.

They all have like ice packs and like arm casts on.

And they're like, they're a horse.

They're all just sitting there.

Oh, a lot of you pulled through.

That's good.

Mr.

Warner, one of the jurists, asked the witness, what was the feeling of the clerks in the theater building toward their superior officer colonel ainsworth thompson answered quote that of abject fear

well that's nice it was like the building was trying to eat us it was terrifying we all thought it had come alive like if the building became a man well that's nice

The applause came from a portion of the room where most of the clerks were sitting.

The colonel gets up and like waves his hat.

Thank you, boys.

That's very nice.

That's very nice.

You guys hear I'm killing.

I'm going to go and kill Tony.

Colonel Ainsworth grew red, and the coroner lectured the offenders.

Don't you be clapping for that.

He's telling the truth.

He's telling back the hecklers.

The letter from Secretary Lamont was read, giving assurance that no clerk need fear dismissal on account of his testimony.

At the after.

Well, that's bad for me.

You guys don't need to fear dismissal.

If you do testify, though, we are going to make you go work in a new place we're calling the sweat trap.

This place is really fun.

It's right at the center of the earth.

It's where Washington lived.

At the afternoon session, a well-dressed man, shaking his fist in Colonel Ainsworth's face, shouted, quote, you murdered my brother and you ain't

shainted.

And you shan't sit there intimidating these witnesses.

And you ain't shainted.

Shan't.

Shan't.

Shan't.

And you shan't.

shinked.

Shant.

The man was Charles Barnes, whose brother.

The man was Charles Barkley.

Whose brother was a victim.

Boy, the idea that the colonel, like the colonel was probably there.

He was like, I don't think I should have come to this.

This is a bad call.

I thought you guys liked me.

He's just sitting there hoping that the courtroom collapses.

That had really bailed me the fuck out.

He's got some guys digging down below.

He's like, come on, boys, get going.

looking at his watcher your honor i can't even hear it over here

threw it at the foundation your honor as a gift i'd give you 40 bookshelves your honor i suggest we all jump as hard as we can

please your honor

he goes it he goes to like testify for himself he's like now i am just a simple stop stop stop

southern lawyer stop stop stop stop i'm a regular man who they called me the jackhammer.

The human jackhammer.

What the fuck?

Everyone, run up and down the stairs.

Let's move these couches up to the top of the building.

That don't feel like justice.

That's how we avenge the deaths of these workers.

Colonel, sit down.

So did we get a number on how many people died?

I think

after the uproar thus occasioned, had quieted, it was 24 so far, but I bet it's more.

After the uproar thus occasioned had quieted, Mr.

Davis, representing Colonel Ainsworth, started to speak.

When a dozen excited department clerks rose to their feet and shouted for him to sit down.

The lieutenant of police.

Shut up, you fucking piece of shit.

Order.

Except everyone's like, you shan't speak any further.

The lieutenant of police endeavored to quiet the outbreak, but his voice was ineffectual.

Soon, nearly every clerk present who had been employed in the old theater was on his feet shouting, sit down, shut your mouth.

But finally, someone who was frenzied cried, hang him!

Well, I like that they hear that guy.

He's like, let that guy speak.

He should be hanged.

Never mind, not him.

Never mind.

Men sprang forward at this time, and it looked as if harm would come to Colonel Ainsworth.

Some of the clerks were shaking their fists over his head, and others were pushing forward as as if they wished to tear him to pieces.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, right?

Yeah.

That's what kind of like there's situations where it's like, do we need a trial or can we just give the guys who survived the building 20 minutes with him?

Let's have a trial after we kill him.

That really should just.

I mean, with the way it's going.

The problem is, though, they would be like, we use it rarely, like for Luigi Mangioni.

Right.

No.

Right, right, right.

Who's going to get the death penalty, according to Pam Bondi, by the way?

Juror Warner finally managed to quiet the people, and the deputy coroner adjourned the inquest.

Okay, do you want to know

how many

didn't make it?

Let's see.

Welcome back to everybody's favorite American game show.

How many didn't make it?

Gareth, you're playing today.

How many do you think did escape this horrible fate of civil engineering well boy it seems like that whole place was real shaky and they kept scanning scores and scores i'm gonna go with 112 todd

it wasn't it was only 22.

oh wow

lovely that's nothing so you know what um i say another you to make an omelet you know

break a few eggs yeah think about all the good clerking that happened though nobody's talking about yep yeah they were able to re-upholster the chairs with all the money they saved

you like that crown molding that was built on the backs of those people

it also fell onto the backs of the same people who built it it probably killed a couple of them

um

yeah i'm trying to find it but uh

it's actually i wonder what happened to colonel ainsley is his name

22 clerks and injuring 68

Knowing how this stuff works, it's like Colonel Ainsley went on to become the king of the world.

Well, no, he totally got away with it.

Of course.

They said, I read it yesterday, but they said there wasn't enough evidence to prove that he knew it was.

Yeah, he walked.

Of course, he was.

I thought it was like a death trap.

And he's like, I thought the death trap.

Holy fuck.

I'm looking at a picture of it.

It is fucking crazy.

Yeah, it's crazy.

It's really.

It looks like a fire burned it.

Yeah, it's, yeah.

I mean, good, great.

Good work, everybody.

Yeah, they knew it was a death trap.

The guy gets away with it.

Of course, it's America.

This guy always gets away with it.

Of course.

Well, what are you going to do?

Change your policy and

go to work?

I love that this guy is also just like, they probably let him.

They were like, you know what?

We tried to pin this on him.

I feel bad.

Let's make him in the general of buildings.

Like, it's always like he's going to be promoted exactly into what he should not fucking do.

Of course they had the workers were black guys in the basement and one of them told the Evening Star that he was concerned about the building's safety just one day before.

Quote, I told my employer yesterday that the archway would fall for every time anyone walked over the floor, it would bend.

I tell you, I was scared and I got out there as quick as I could.

It was bending and they just kept fucking.

This reminds me of

my buddy when I lived in Vegas used to live in this terrible apartment right by the airport.

And it was so cheap that the floor in the hall, he lived on the second floor, the hallway floor would actually bend like when you walked across it.

You guys want that.

You guys are freaking, you want that.

You want a trampoline.

I think if you're the real estate guy, you're like, and these floors are all minorly trampolined.

You're like that.

Bouncing.

Very Tom Hanks, very big.

Yeah, it's a bouncy house and it's going to cost a little bit more.

This guy would, somebody in his building would tag stuff that was like way too cheap.

Like, literally, doors would start like hanging off their hinges and stuff.

Oh, my God.

And he would tag stuff in the building with this cockroach and write Lakuka Ratcha.

And he was like a vigilante of the building.

I feel like

you've either told me this or I've heard this, or it's just so relatable that I'm like, yeah, I may have told you about Lakuka Ratcha.

That is so fucking crazy.

Look at the next, the next story is amazing because it keeps up with the theme.

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Yep.

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No.

We're talking about mood.

Correct.

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You know, you got sleepless nights, you can't sleep a little bit.

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Mood.com mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns with 100 federally legal thc blends to deliver them discreetly right to your doorstep that's right discreetly oh yeah you don't even know this person's been there no no one walks up and screams there's stuff in here

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Yeah, I can't, yeah, many people struggle with sleep.

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Priceless laces lost.

A startling disclosure was made at the World's Fairgrounds last evening when the priceless laces sent here by Queen Margaret of Italy were unpacked.

While the laces were being taken out of their case and each piece counted, it was found that 30 pieces of lace were missing.

By the way, the idea that the police have to open a case about lace stolen from a case,

it's a classic case of a lace case.

Lace clothes.

I mean, fuck.

This is going to have that long night.

I just can't believe this is on the same page.

Well, that's the thing is, like, the people who are like, okay, so we're going to split up the work here at the precinct today.

We're going to need half you guys on the 22 people died in a big building and the other half, there's these lace cases.

Queen's missing her cloth.

Yeah.

Boss, can I get on that lace case?

Because, oh, God.

One is like One is a real case, and the other one is like a case for like a cartoon egg to solve.

Nothing grinds.

Dumpty dumpty.

Nothing grinds my gears more than when an affluent woman's fabric is missing.

Cablegrams were immediately sent to Rome appraising the queen of her great loss.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Say that again?

What did you just say?

Cablegrams were immediately sent to Rome praising the queen of her great loss.

Oh, no.

Who is going to break out the bad news to her?

Tomisi's not good.

What is it about all those people who died in the theater where the president got shot in the back of his head?

No.

Is he going to warse?

What is she going to wear?

If you were in Italy and all you heard was like, okay, the town that we sent my laces to, they got stolen.

The president got shot there.

Like, America's over, I guess?

It's called Detroit, the country.

But also, you got to, it's so fucking funny to steal lace.

And then, like, it's probably just some dudes who are like, hey,

where do you pawn lace?

Now what?

It's so much worse.

You know it's so much worse.

There's one guy who's like, dude, I don't.

Fuck Italy, dude.

That was the worst Fettuccine Alfredo I've ever fucking had.

I'll show that.

That was awful, dude.

It's coming out of me like I didn't even eat eat it.

Call me the pasta maker.

Wow, it's like a forever pasta.

You can just keep eating it over and over.

Hey, hey, hey, guys, can you stop talking over there for a little bit?

Looking out the window.

Yeah, no, for sure.

No, for sure.

Forever pasta.

Please stop eating it out of yourself.

Call me the olive garden because I'm never-ending.

Hey, noodles.

Why do they call you that, by the way?

You don't want to know.

An effort was made to keep the discovery a secret, but customs officers divulged the startling news.

So,

no, no, I love that.

Everybody was like,

we should just lie, right?

We don't want to have to deal with this.

Yeah, I will betray my oath.

A wife seeks to convict her husband.

Good luck, Mitch.

Hard to disagree.

Impossible.

Back then, they were like, can you imagine?

Well, throw her in water.

If she doesn't drown, she might have a case.

And she's dead.

They were like, did you try dragging her from a horse?

That usually fixes mine.

So strange.

Miss William Beckwith arrived from Denver last night and is now at work securing evidence to convict her husband of complicity in a big bank robbery in that city in 1891.

Beckwith Beckwith is serving a term in the Kansas Penitentiary for stealing a bicycle at Leavenworth a few months ago, and Ms.

Beckwith is to get $200 if she convicts her husband.

All right.

There's a lot going on there, but yes, it does seem strange to be able to bring charges against your husband and when the charges are against the bank.

And then you get money for, well, right, there's obviously a reward out.

And so she'll,

but he's already in jail.

Well,

she's Skylar from Breaking Bad and him.

She's fucking

pulled this shit off.

She knows about it, and she's holding it over his head.

She's probably fucking Ted right now.

You know what I mean?

You know what?

We should remake Breaking Bad all from Skylar's perspective and be like, you know what?

We all made fun of her for being kind of annoying, but this is crazy.

Yeah, it's Breaking Bad from Timon and Pumba's point of view.

Breaking Bad one and a half.

That's what we'll call it.

That's good, Gareth.

I'm writing that down.

I gotta get off the call.

I actually have to.

Delete it.

It's not a call.

It's a pot.

What are you talking about?

Oh, fuck.

Kyle.

Fuck.

This was a weird thing.

Other people can hear this?

Yes.

No.

No.

No, no, no.

I'm ruined.

This is just a little part under

news brevities.

Oh, my God.

News brevities.

They're the soul of news wit, Gareth.

Honestly, news brevities.

News brevities, fuck off.

A strange wild human covered with long woolly hair has been discovered near Paducah, Kentucky.

Headline.

I'm sorry.

We're talking about this lady's mad at her husband over $200 or something.

Well, honestly.

Put this ahead of the fucking theater.

I completely agree.

I completely agree.

Caveman discovered.

Give me an amuse bouche before talking about how the building structure just completely collapsed because of incompetence at the top.

Start with we found a woolly man in Kentucky.

Dude, the Kentucky Woolly Man?

Woolly Bloom.

That's like a country music star.

Kentucky Woolly Blow.

I'm like, this guy has 4 million followers on TikTok.

All he does is spin.

Anthony Scholl, a merchant tailor.

Is this the story of how the shoal got created?

Yeah.

Shoal.

Anthony, Anton Scholl, a merchant tailor at Odell, drank a half gallon of whiskey and died after suffering great agony.

This is a separate story.

This isn't how.

I thought you were describing how he was.

I really on the cage.

I thought it was the origin story of the wool boy.

So, of course, he was walking, had a little whiskey, fell into a cage,

woke up, and he was a lamb.

Two children of Frank Jewett of La Crosse, Wisconsin, went to sleep on the railroad track and were horribly mangled by a passenger train.

What?

How did it happen, Dave?

The only place to not go.

Hold on, Kyle.

Let's learn some of the details.

Dave, how did they get run over by a train?

They were asleep.

They had been picking flowers and laid down to rest.

Absolutely.

Okay.

And then how did the train locate them?

Well, they were laying on the part where the train goes.

Uh-huh.

I guess I'm a little confused how the train caused their death.

You know what I'm saying?

Have you seen cartoons?

Not familiar.

Anyway, these boys, they passed away from a train, you say.

They were passengers upon it when the train crashed?

No, they were laying in front of it, sleeping, having a nap.

But how did they pass?

I'm sorry, this story just doesn't track.

I like the idea, though, that

they were like, yeah, so we decided to just tie ourselves up in a big ball of rope, lay on these railroad trucks,

wait for a dashing hero.

Parents in a 50-mile radius now have to add another conversation they have to have with their kids.

They get tired picking and pressing flowers.

Don't sleep on the tracks, boys.

No, see, I think this is...

I think that's one of those unnecessary.

This is why I want to have kids, because if I have to sit you down and be like, listen, just if you're going to sleep anywhere, don't do it in the middle of the freeway.

It's a really hard thing.

It's all the hurdles.

You realize as a parent that all of the warnings and all of the things, like

don't hold that knife and put an electric socket, they're all for the dumb kids.

Excuse me, Dave.

Some of them walk amongst us.

It was good to hear that I couldn't have a plug-in radio in the pool.

Okay.

Gareth just motioned with a pen.

I thought he was going to put it into a light socket.

It's not a pen.

It's an ear cleaning kit.

Which he holds during podcasts now.

He's conducting.

He's casting spells on Dave.

The homeliest man in Cimaroon is teaching the prettiest girl in Gray County to get sweet on him.

What?

Pardon called grooming.

Hello.

Not okay.

I like how now they're kind of just pitching like good reality shows.

Yeah, now they're just like, it's like a CBS sitcom.

This is just 90-day fiancé.

It's called Homely and Hot.

So his name is Jack Homely, and she's Vanessa Hot.

He's a caveman from Kentucky.

Yeah, he's a willy man from Kentucky.

She just divorced her husband, who was a bank robber, and she just got 200 smackaroons.

She thinks it's a rebound, but then she shaves him.

And ooh la la.

Ooh la la.

The predominance of red-headed people in Coffeeville is supposed to have something to do with the

get-upiveness of that town.

Okay.

Getupi-connects.

People.

Get redots.

Red-headed people are

more excitable and awful.

According to who.

Well, that's just biology.

Stop.

This is why there has to be and we will tell you why there has to be a purge.

My mom is big.

So my mom's a redhead, and she's really big into redhead advocacy.

As if being redheaded isn't embarrassing enough.

Just out in front of a store

with reds.

Please.

Remember, she's posted before like a picture of

Daphne from Scooby-Doo and all these red-headed characters from Poppy.

Mom, one of those is a cartoon, but a hero nonetheless,

Daphne crawled so you could run.

Plenty of perfume, but no bathtubs.

Jesus Christ, these bullet pointers.

I mean, you started with the long Odyssey of the fourth theater.

Plenty of...

I know, right?

Now it's sweet.

What the fuck are they talking about?

The present craze for sweet scents, like all the other elegances dates back to the days of courtly luxury in france

by the way it's 1893 so they're just like any smell that's good you're like that's nice that's addictive

i'm gonna put this all over my balls and you do the same with your twat it's gasoline and they're like this is so good

She smells beautiful.

I'm passing out.

Well, don't pass out near that railing.

The whole building will fall over.

Hey, guys, I invented chloroform.

Smell it.

Guys, I gotta go upstairs.

Smell this weird jar.

Are the stairs safe yet?

No, they won't be ever.

Okay.

Madame Pompadour.

Madame Pompadour.

I've come up with a hairstyle.

I just can't believe her name.

Madame Pompadour spent $100,000 for this part of her toilet each year, and the court of Louis XV was known as the Scented Court.

Oh my God.

Wait, Dave, wait.

Are we talking?

Royal urinal cakes?

Just, I mean, like, basically

a toilet potpourri that's built in.

Yeah.

She's.

I believe that they're saying, yes.

Louis XV.

Known for taking the grossest dumps.

Louis XV had a toilet that wouldn't stink.

It took 500 clerks three years to crack the code to create a glade plug-in.

Louis XIV was the Sun King, and the 15th was the Dung King.

What if we put roses next to your sheet?

It won't be enough.

I really take bad crap.

Use a layer of oil to trap it in.

Hostesses of the grand entertainments informed their guests what particular perfume was to be employed for scenting the rooms, that no other other odors might be used by the guests.

This is really good because my forever pasta is starting to smell weird.

So if I could soak it in there for a little bit, that'd be a killer.

This fucking killer.

Do you guys mind?

And by the way, have you met Jack Macaroni?

But think about smells when they're getting invented at this caliber, at this level.

Invented?

They've been around for a while.

Invented smells.

The tech is speeding up.

The tech isn't speeding up.

This is insane.

You say inventing smells.

These people's bodies are inventing some smells.

Well, I mean good smells.

What the fuck?

I mean, Romans smells.

Hold on.

If you start doing Roman stuff on me again, Dave, I will drive to your house and curbs you.

The Romans invented all the perfumes.

Romans.

Romans invented smell, Garrett.

They honestly might.

By the way, Egypt's like, hello.

We had bird gods.

At a court, a different perfume was prescribed for every day in the week.

In the meantime, the gospel of soap and water was unknown to the finest ladies, and the gorgeous palace at Versailles did not contain a single bathroom until one was arranged for the use of Marie Antoinette.

So previous to that, all the little richie fancies were just shitting out.

Marie goes, I got the cake shits.

I'm going to need a whole room.

Cake shits.

Marie has to poop so bad, we might need to put a hole in the house.

Oh, you guys, my cake is fucking just crazy.

Where she cuffs.

I think there was some lace in the cake.

Somebody lace in the cake.

All right, we don't need to hear your life story.

Just go do it.

Oh, about a fancy party, everyone having to go shit in a yard.

Pardon me, darling.

I have to go outside and crap

it's a garden party

just like looks like fire fest

the things these gnomes have seen

i'm actually just a child

oh good news story okay

they wanted money A paragraph has been around

of the papers to the effect that several wealthy residents of Florence have offered to place their villas at the disposal of Queen Victoria for the summer.

The fact is that every such offer which was received was accompanied by a demand for quite exorbitant rents.

One residence being valued by its owner at the easy rate of $4,000 per week.

Oh shot.

Which

then is like 20 years.

Dave's dogs are unionizing.

Yeah, well, it is like, I mean, it's essentially what we deal with now, right?

I mean, they basically were just like.

They're landlords.

Yeah, they're landlords, right?

Yeah.

But 4,000 a week in 1890, what is this?

1890.

I mean, like L.A.

fire prices.

Yeah, I like the idea that you adjust 4,000 for inflation from the 1600s and it's like still less than a one-bedroom in Brooklyn today.

Well, if you want to live in Bedford Stye, I mean,

you know, a lot of people want to live there, buddy.

It's also great to be like, we're offering Queen Victoria the place for as long as she wants it.

Oh, well, that's very nice.

Yeah, four grand a week.

And that's

yeah.

I keep DMing Kesha, my apartment, for $38,000 a month.

She keeps not getting back to me.

Does anyone?

I called the label, but they say that.

They say they don't get involved.

Dear Queen Latifah,

Your Highness, it would be my honor.

That's $146,000 a week.

I'm negotiating.

You push back with your own number.

That's like a good number to start with.

It's called negotiating.

I say $146 for a week.

You say $50.

I don't know.

You've seen shark tank.

You've seen shark tank.

Take an offer, babe.

We can play this game all fucking.

You can take away.

You say a dollar.

We meet in the middle of 42K.

I mean, come on.

You're a queen, right?

You're a queen, for the love of God.

You need somewhere to cake shit.

The money is you.

You are the money.

It's just do you more.

It's fine.

Have printed or whatever, however, it works.

I don't know how it works.

I just want it.

Some guy paints it as a

pain.

God.

All right, last one.

Bananas as food.

Can you imagine a world in which such crazy sentences could be spoken?

We're just ending on the monkey times.

The thing normally used for choking babies we didn't want could be food.

Before they knew they could open them, beneath the horrible peely rind actually exists quite a delicious dessert.

I've finally gotten it one.

I like that this.

Before peeling, you just squish it.

That's nice.

It's the 1600s, and we're still getting Chiquita propaganda right now.

It's the 1800s.

I don't know.

Any time is before like 1980 could be this.

It's all like the same 10 years.

What a fucking millennial.

He

Clinton was in charge.

Yeah, if it came out before the Dana Carvey show, I don't know.

It's

What?

Just 1400?

I do D C A D.

Yeah, Cleopatra, she was just shoot me, right?

Oh my god, Kyle.

She was real must-see TV.

The banana seems to be as poor an article of food as the potato.

What the get fucked?

I'm English, and that's offensive.

I like how this opens with some real shade of like, could you imagine a loser eating a banana?

anyway

they should be put in camps

okay so the banana seems to be as poor as an article of food as the potato which it greatly resembles

no not at all

is this written by a blind armless man this guy was like they were going around and they were he was like man i just really need to get an article today if i don't get an article they're like okay we need somebody who's eating a lot of bananas he's like i could do it they're like you've you've had a banana joe and he's like like, oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

The tree potato.

It's like the brown thing.

Well, they can get brown, but they're not.

You know, you take off the peel off the

gravy.

I know it.

Yeah, mashed bananas.

Okay.

Yeah, you do mashed bananas or a baked banana or French bananas.

They start going, I think he knows more about bananas than we do, actually.

Maybe he should have.

It contains 1.71 per

cent of

1.

Albinum

help keep you white.

A growing boy needs them.

Of albamoids, while the potato contains the same proportion.

Man, under

normal circumstances, requires 4.2 ounces of flesh-forming substances daily in order to obtain

which from bananas he would have to consume, which from bananas he would have to consume 15 pounds of the fruit containing nine pints of water.

This is a I am obviously, like all of us, very lost in what this guy's saying, but at least we know it's so inaccurate.

It's crazy.

I do.

I do.

Here's the thing.

I don't trust anything he's saying, but I am hitting subscribe on this guy's tweets because

he is doing something.

And then

Rogan's like really yeah yeah

this guy's like did you know you actually have to eat 15 times all the bananas that even exist

a human boy needs 4.1 albinoids otherwise his skeleton becomes his skin yeah Joe did you know you need 42 midichlurians to reach ketosis

Jamie can you look up albanoids and potatoes unfortunately Jamie didn't eat enough bananas he's now just bones also I like the idea that they're like they're like no listen whether or not bananas are healthy we're not sure we could put it up against the healthiest food of all, the potato.

Obviously, yeah.

There's two foods, potatoes and bananas.

Pick.

What?

You pick one.

We won't create superfoods for 200 years, but the potatoes here.

I mean, essentially, they created a fake

content in bananas, and then they said that people need a certain amount of that.

So then you'd have to eat 15 bananas a day,

15 pounds of bananas a day, not realizing you can eat other food also.

Like you,

this article is saying you can't eat only bananas.

It really, well, I guarantee you that was the takeaway for a few people to see shortly thereafter.

This, this, this writer's wife is a monkey, and he's like, I just feel like I got that.

Say something.

She keeps controlling the marriage.

It's just the coroner.

What got him, sir?

Another boy just dead from nanners.

How many did he eat?

17 pounds.

These kids are so misinformed.

He's going, honey, I don't, I mean, I don't know who this, who this John Campbell guy is writing this article, but this is a pretty interesting article, babe.

Hey, honey, you know, you got to eat 15 pounds of bananas a day to live.

She's like,

all right, I understand.

I understand.

I understand.

Bananas then are unsuited to a man's diet, although a delicious accessory to a more nitrogenious food.

Nitrogeneous food.

I thought they were going to say, but it's fine for a woman to eat on occasion.

But it's all your wife should have.

Holy fuck.

Well, what a ride, as always.

Kyle, thank you for joining us.

People can go to Kyle Anderson Comedy to watch your documentaries that are

check them out.

And

Dave, I think you lost this episode.

Yeah.

As long as you're open.

All right.

See you guys at this banana aisle.

Bye.

Bananle.

Some of these days,

you'll miss me, honey.

Some of these days.

What's up, doll heads?

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