679 - Don the Talking Dog

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You're listening to the dollop on the All Things Comedy Network, which Gareth loves.

This is an American history podcast where each week I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American history to a cat owner.

That's right.

I'm more than that, my boy Gareth Reynolds, who has no stop it.

Never do that.

No idea what the topic is going to be about.

Nice.

Make all things comedy.

Great again.

Yeah, yeah.

Matt,

do you love your cat?

Love him.

So you're a cat lover.

Yeah, okay.

I'm a cat lover.

It's just when

aggressive types start to say stuff like that, sensitive sweeties got to be careful because the aggressive types might try to use it against them.

I would never do that.

You have on repeated occasions in a number of ways, and one of your things is doing it,

you know, spilling the oil and then saying, how did we get all this oil over here?

You're that guy.

Do you ever get down between the cat's hind legs at all?

Pardon?

In the

loving things that you do, do you ever get down?

What are you suggesting

in his heavier days?

I would wipe his bottom with wipes.

Is that what you're saying?

Would though now he could tongue it himself?

Would the

wiping

Would it stay within that region or would it go forward?

It would stay there.

It wouldn't go forward a little bit?

It would stay there.

It was clinical purely.

Now you're doing the thing.

No.

How much did he like it?

He didn't like it.

He hated it.

And I hated it.

But we love each other.

No.

I mean, no.

No.

So it's like a

call it as jam pad.

Jam pad.

You can't do that.

So now we're not going to.

Now we're not going to do that.

It's actually Gareth, not Gary.

Hi, Gary.

Bam amp, bam, bam, amp.

So we're not using the theme.

This is not going to become a tickling podcast.

Okay.

Bam out bam banam.

This is a dollop.

Hey, oh man, that guy's crazy.

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Wow.

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Gareth tosses his cat salad.

We're going to have tour dates in June.

This is the year of our Lord 2025.

We are at the Sacramento punchline on June 3rd.

Then we head to Boise on June 4th, Spokane on June 5th, Seattle on June 6th, Portland on June 7th, Bend on June 8th, San Francisco on June 10th.

You can get tickets at dolloppodcast.com/slash tour.

That's where all the links are.

You can link and have fun.

You know, the whole thing.

You know, I know that I think ACDC is touring, you know, the states, so you have to make a choice, but we're the choice.

ACDC, you're old and weird, and we're less old and super weird.

Yeah, we're weirder.

Um, Gareth,

it's let's just get into it.

Let's just get into the thing.

Uh,

yeah, you got a mug with your cat on it.

You think,

hey,

just fresh eyes.

I might

on the back of the mug, is there a cat anus?

Coffee's over

1905

Year of our Lord, Jesus Christo.

Sure.

J-Town, as he's known to the kids.

Right.

By the way, he's got some really great merchant gut headbands, which are

rad.

And the kids love him.

And the kids are super into Jesus because he talks to talk.

Keep quiet and post a picture of a kid in a J-Town headband.

A dog was born in Germany.

All right.

He was named Don by his owner, which is a weird name for a German guy, right?

Is that a German name?

Don?

Don?

It's weird, right?

D-O-N?

D-O-N.

Yeah, it's not Don.

No, it's not normal.

It's not working for me.

Don.

No.

His owner was gay warden Herman Ebers.

Now there's a German name.

He lived in the small village of Thihoot in Germany.

Don was described as a setter or a pointer with dark brown hair and he's medium-sized.

Okay, medium-build, pointer.

Got it.

Great.

When Don was six months old, he was in his usual spot while the family ate dinner.

Sure.

Begging, begging like a fucking asshole.

Yeah, sure.

You know what I mean?

He's a dog.

Which was sitting and begging with his, quote, wonderfully appealing eyes.

Yeah, pretty eyes.

Pretty dog eyes.

Yeah, he's cutie.

Herman looked at Don and said, quote,

you want something special, don't you?

Uh-oh, that's German.

Even if a German is saying that in earnest,

I'm getting, I'm picking up.

I'm like, I'm nervous.

You want something special, don't you?

You want something special?

Yeah.

Herman was very shocked when Dodd said back, quote, want

in German, which is Haben.

Huh?

Well, you Don said

the dog.

He replied to the question.

Sure.

Haben.

Hoben.

He want.

He want.

Hobben.

Okay.

Want.

Okay.

So Hearn repeated the question to make sure he didn't mishear a bark or something, right?

It wasn't a normal dog noise.

Sure.

And Don responded, Hobin, Hobbin.

Want, want.

Sure.

And it's very clear he's using the word.

Don

is talking.

Huh.

Okay.

Yeah, you know,

yeah.

Let's hear a little more, please.

The New York Times would write an article about Don.

Quote, then Don's education began.

Okay.

The gamekeeper noticed that the dog was peculiarly apt.

It was not just long, sorry, it was not long before Don learned to repeat his name when asked.

Don, Don.

Don.

Don.

Don.

You know, it's sort of,

he sounds English.

Don.

It's like a sexy beast.

Don.

Yeah, yeah.

Don.

Yeah, but you want him to be English so you can do the accent because your German accent is not as good.

And so that's what's going on there.

Oh, foy.

Look at that.

Ebecken strip.

That'll go good with the rest of the things I've been eating today.

You don't just get to jump to an island near Germany because you want to do the accent.

Wow.

You got to stick.

Look whose accent, Sham.

That is German, by the way.

What are you speaking of?

So,

Don loved cakes.

I like that we have to have insights into it.

Yeah, no shit.

A dog.

Yeah.

Don licked his ass.

Adido Don liked to sleep anywhere, really.

Don drank water from the toilet once or twice.

So it was a couple of months later when Don was able to say kuchen, which means cakes.

Oh, that's going to be vagina.

Cakes.

Kuchen.

The Times noted, quote, a peculiarly difficult word, even for a German child to pronounce because of the pursing of the lips required and the throaty

of the culture, of the guttural German language.

Kuchen.

Kuchen.

I don't know.

Kochen.

Kochen.

Herman's daughter Martha was said to be behind most of the speech training.

All right.

So the dog is

a parrot.

It's parents.

It's communication.

Well,

he's responding to questions.

Nah, i mean all right well parents do that too though

i just say you're being a little pessimistic

pessimistic

don had a serious weakness for cakes as i said and martha exploited that with the training sure and she taught don to say hunger when he was asked what he had in just weeks

Don was saying Haben hunger.

Hunger is basically the same in German.

Haben I have hunger.

Haben hunger.

Haben hunger.

And Kuchen on command.

Haben hunger.

Kuchen?

Don.

Don.

Haben Hachen.

What's the name?

What's the word for cake?

A Kuchen.

Kuchen.

Ha, Don.

Don Kuchen.

Now he was Don Kuchen, porn director.

Now

Don was just often walking around saying, quote, hunger, want cakes.

Right away, I'd be like, there was, I enjoyed him speaking German for like three days.

There is a reason you don't teach dogs to hunger, want cake, hunger, want cake.

You don't want.

Hunger, Don, Don, want cake.

Hunger.

Vaunt, want, want, cake.

Don, Don, Don, Don.

This is why you don't do it.

Don, Don!

Don't Don Don!

So

now,

sorry.

Sometimes

also Don wanted, he would say, want cakes, hunger.

He would switch it up a little bit.

So it wasn't always in the same order.

Oh, good.

Don next.

I fully understand.

Don next learned how to say yes and no, and it was reported he could use them appropriately when answering questions.

Nine.

Nine.

Coochin.

Yeah.

Nine.

Coochin.

Do you want to go for a walk, Don?

Don, nine, coochin.

Cakes.

Cakes, coochin, coochin.

For instance, Don hated the rain, so when he was, when it it was storming outside and he was asked if he wanted to go out, he'd say no.

Nine.

Honestly, that is helpful.

That is helpful.

That is helpful.

I've definitely been like

with my girlfriend's dogs, but

like the whole amount of time where you're trying to lure the dog out, you could just save it if it was like, nah.

Dogs just, dogs are just so fucking lame.

Oh, you got the three, though.

Just go outside.

They're awful.

Or the quick trip outside where they've like placated you.

you're like I did it I stood on the porch for a minute.

So yeah, let's say it's 10 minutes and you're like, well, I'm not,

do you want, you don't have to.

Some people are skeptical that a dog could speak.

They believed, they believed it was just growling or barking that was being misinterpreted.

Coochin?

But the Times answered that belief, quote, none who have heard him agree with this view.

They are unanimous in describing the deep breast tones which escape the animal as unmistakably human in timber and inflection.

There you go.

He's talking.

And this is in the New York Times.

When have they ever not told the truth?

Never.

The greatest newspaper in the history of mankind.

Thank you.

Purely factual.

Yep.

The Times said one could stand in another room and clearly hear the word hunger being being spoken by the dog in another room.

Yeah, it's strange that anyone's dubious of yeah yeah strange

though Don did draw out the last syllable quote when he is talking vigorously and proclaiming hunger hunger with particularly eagerness his body distends and one gets the impression that the speaking process is not affected without some sort of internal distress

so it's hard it's hard It's painful.

It's not easy.

Are you saying it's painful for him to speak, or he's starving?

It's just, he's just trying really hard.

Every time he says it, it takes a day off his life.

What year is this?

This is 195.

1910 or so, around that.

Okay.

I'm glad we're getting.

Listen, I'm just saying early.

I'm glad that

this was not during World War times that Don was able to speak.

This could go a lot

a lot more south.

Interesting.

Don soon attracted the attention of Carl Hagenbeck,

who was a famous.

Is it that the Gwen Stefani song?

Yeah.

Okay.

Because I ain't no Hagen.

Okay.

Yeah.

No, go ahead.

Ain't no Hagenbeck Dog.

Ain't no Hagenback dog.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He was a famous German animal trainer and circus founder, and he offered the Ebers $2,500 to exhibit Don in his outdoor menagerie at Hamburg.

Nine.

So Don't taken off.

Like people are into him.

The idea.

Now they want to put him in show business.

Absolutely.

Others made offers also.

One was for $15,000 to just buy Don outright.

It's a lot of money back then.

It's a lot of money, but it's your dog.

i mean that's you know what i mean it's like as the owner of a pet celebrity it's how much would you sell

jose for i don't want i genuinely

want to play this game what's the number

i i don't i i don't what's the number

500 000.

no

it's crazy 750 000.

i loathe

this game no a million i don't want to play this game with a million dollars

i'd love to.

A million dollars.

I know.

Where is he going?

Do I know?

He's going to a great home.

He's going to a great home with a big one.

I get to pick.

I'm helping to pick.

The people who are buying Jose.

Walk me through there, bro.

They're a great couple.

They're like in their fortune.

They're a straight couple, but all they want.

What's the guy do?

He's a good guy?

He used to.

He used.

He doesn't drink.

No.

He doesn't drink.

He's very good.

Smokeweed?

A little bit occasionally, but not much.

The wife?

What's her deal?

she uh just worked for a non-profit uh most of her life uh helping is someone home a lot there's always they're they're retired now they're both always home and they have any other animals uh do they have any other animals they have uh some cows and that's it is he gonna be indoor

well here's the thing they live in a place where there are no coyotes and no wolves and they have an outdoor area explore the outdoors like a pasture yeah they kind of have the matfara cat in the there and there's and there's uh there's mice

i mean here's here's what you here now let me just say this what you're telling me is that jose gets a better life yeah oh yeah and i get a better life he actually has a may i visit

may i visit yeah you can visit can i when i'm back from the road could i take two weeks and hang out there and be with him not two weeks no you can come by and say could i tent could i stay there a couple nights no you can't tent no you can't tent could i stay there there a couple nights you can stay there one night every six months oh come on

they're buying how's he how's he doing with the trade-off he's into find the cat jose

yeah he loves it it's like the best it's like a cat heaven

is he happier yeah because it's because he gets

owners are there all the time quiet i'm talking don't run away stop for weeks at a time stop that's not i don't want to do they emotionally are they going to get enough I'll show the picture of your dad again.

I will show the picture of your dad again.

I will show the golden son that's going to be.

That's how Jose feels when he sees a picture of you.

Whenever he sees a picture of you, he goes, is daddy leaving?

Hey, hey, I'm asking a question here.

Now, there's a Japanese guy who deals with pets, and he's come up with a vaccine that'll help extend the life of a cat to approximately 30 by eliminating the main cause of most kidney line disorders, kidney and liver.

Yeah.

So can he get that shot?

Will they get him that shot as I'm planning to?

Yeah.

And I get a million dollars.

You get a million dollars.

Now, if I take 750, and then I'll end this, because I guarantee you, there's some people listening who are going, isn't this a history show?

Yeah.

Like, if I get 750, can I stay there two weeks out of every three months?

No, that's too much.

A week out of every six months if you go 750.

He's got a better life.

No one's running away on him.

The person's always.

Here's why I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it because

I'm going to open an area for other animals with that money.

So it's going to save a lot of other animals' lives.

And I'm going to call it the

Joseviers of America.

Okay.

Feline Joseviers.

And I'm going to

deal with him.

So we have a deal.

We have a deal.

We have a deal because there's a lot of good benefit to this.

All right.

I was just saying how much it would be.

Anyway.

And then once we get him hooked up to the milking machines, it'll be fine.

Wait, you didn't tell me there were milking machines.

He won't be milked.

Hey, get your damn hands off of me.

Goochin!

Goochen!

So the public is thrilled by the idea of a talking dog.

Of course they are.

He does a little bit of touring, but biologist and psychologist Oscar Fungust,

I don't know,

F.

P-F-U-N-G-U-S-T.

It's one of the worst things ever.

He's not.

He's not into it.

In 1912, he was common off debunking that a horse had been educated.

He'd say he debunked that.

The whole tapping kind of deal, yeah.

Yeah, the horse's name was Clever Hans.

Of course.

And his owner claimed Hans could spell, do math, recognize people from photos, differentiate between music and colors, and answer questions.

Right.

So Han, like you say, he would just tap his foot.

Yeah.

Right hoof

to say one, two, et cetera.

Or he could spell out letters,

one for A, two for B, etc.

So Hans was said to have a great memory.

Right.

At one point, Hans met Count Donna,

and 30 minutes later, the Count was pointed to and asked his name, and Hans went to a blackboard filled with the letters and picked out D-O-H-N-A.

He Ouija's?

He Ouija'd.

Wow.

Right.

I can't remember how they.

Well,

he would also pick people in the audience out after seeing their photo.

So that's pretty amazing.

TV really blew up a lot of grifts.

And

did.

He became internationally known.

Sure.

The New York Times wondered if he'd be able to speak.

Quote, Hans has not got so far as that yet, but is well on toward it.

And again.

And before the cold weather sets in, may be able to hold discourse with his beleaguering professors in some dialect that both can understand.

Now, this is not just some garbage rag.

This is the New York Times.

That's right.

A name you could trust telling you pretty soon the horse is going to probably be holding TED Talks and functions, you know, maybe a little more involved.

I mean, we're very close to that.

I can't.

You know, Hans would probably be helpful in finding the weapons of mass destruction.

This is what I'm talking about.

It's like, we're pretty sure in two to three months, Hans will be able to locate some of the weapons of mass destruction.

Are we still looking for it?

It would be amazing if they sent a horse to do it.

Why not just spend a little money?

If I'm the U.S., why not just spend a little money at this point and just

be like, we found uranium and nerve gas buried deep under one of Saddam's palaces, we find just to like get people like, just to kind of, they're just, they don't even bother.

They're just like, yeah, they're too stupid.

Leave them alone.

Yeah, they could, they could have put that stuff in a hole.

Like, they could do it now.

Like, if they did it now, you'd be like, oh, shit.

Yeah.

Now they probably will.

Way to go.

And he'll and Trump will totally be the bonus.

Like, I was able to find him.

I went over there and I bloodhounded the whole desert.

So then along came Professor Oscar,

who studied Hans and concluded that Hans was just reading people and responding.

Like

after asking a question, the person will look down at his hoof.

So then you'd be able to bang his hoof.

Subtle gestures, right?

yeah and you'd probably do it even if you weren't even thinking you were doing it you know you just look oh because other people could do it i thought there was like one trainer who was no other people could do it too

but then you know but it would be instinctual he might have been doing it it would be instinctual for you to look down after you asked a question right not for me i'm hard eye contact

i can't believe you sold your cat so professor i didn't know he's getting milked by these weirdos i was told he was going to a happy place i was told there was a lovely couple who was retired and now they're milking him.

And the thing is, they're getting gallons.

That's this, I will, I will avenge.

I will avenge.

Oh, my boy.

So Professor Afang Alston set his sights on Don the talking dog.

Don came to his estate and he recorded Don's speech on a phonograph, and he concluded that Don just responded to...

Someone putting on a, this is an awesome time in the world

when you could go to someone's house and they put on a dog speaking German, the record.

Yeah, it just, yeah,

I just sent my dogs off.

Yeah, what do you mean?

They just went running outside.

And so he concluded Don just responded to questions with noises the way any dog would, but with the power of suggestions,

listeners heard what they were expecting to hear.

So it's like the Paul is dead.

Once you hear what you're supposed to hear, you're like, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, I can hear that.

Yeah.

But people are still thrilled by Don.

Yeah.

Now, American vaudeville is huge from 1880 to 1930, and most shows include an animal or two.

Who were definitely treated really well

and never

never milked

that's right

rats in jockey outfits would ride cats on racetracks

i kind of want to see that have a minute i kind of want to see it i kind of want to see it i want to see it as long as afterwards i'm like oh they're happy well just now imagine if you could teach the rats to say yahoo

look

outside of the jockeying

if you can get a few rats that a yahooing rat completely changes the way we perceive rats that's right yeah i mean we haven't had rats haven't had a hit since pizza rat

elephants would waltz or dance the hula

There were boxing kangaroos, juggling sea lions, monkeys riding bicycles or smoking cigarettes.

When I see a monkey smoke,

they love it.

Pains me to see it.

They love it.

They love it.

It really pains me to think that a monkey is just like.

And they like Marlboroughs.

I'm trying to quit.

Vaudeville was entertainment for all ages and not as prestigious and legitimate as

legitimate theater, but it's a step up from burlesque.

So it's like in between

burlesque, you know, scantily clad ladies dance around.

Oh my gosh.

I know burlesque.

Let me see those games, lady.

Don't mind if I do, doo doo-doo.

How about a sniff of the bottom hose?

No, do not say sniff.

Jesus,

you just technical for mad work, my ma'am.

You took it to a terrible place.

What?

Come on, can't I go?

Nobody's fun.

I'm sniffing the burlesque dancer.

I'm not sniffing the dancer.

I just want to have a little sniff of the bottom stocking.

Give me a break, my guy.

Oh, Christ.

Pardon me while I blew velvet over here a little bit.

By the way, call me velvet because I'd love a blue.

Oh, these women, I like the one with the flappers, Chapeau.

Huh, am I right, guy?

I'll tell you what.

If they put a little area for me to cone off and do my business, I think I might.

Hey, want to be Jack Bros?

No.

Ah, come on.

No.

Let's go hang out.

No.

You're telling me you're not all horned up and all?

No.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, huh?

Not looking for a size larger in the pants?

Why don't we go to the tailor and see if they can wind in the crotches?

That seems to be the easiest port of call.

Boy, I love to watch.

I really do.

I'm going to buy that one some champagne.

You sound like a guy who milks his cat.

Hey, come on.

I'll milk something.

As long as they don't toss me out of here.

I'll make some.

I make trouser milk.

If you keep walking away from me, there will be violence.

Vaudeville attracted people from all classes, from middle class to newly arrived immigrants.

Anyone could afford a show.

Sure.

So, vaudeville, very successful in large and small cities.

There was a circuit performers would hit going from city to city, from east coast to west coast, and circling back.

Yeah, it's stand-up-y.

Some acts also went to Europe, Australia, and South Africa.

In New York City, at the time, there was a large German immigrant population.

Here we go.

And Oscar Hammerstein built the Theater Republic on West 42nd Street in New York City.

In 1901, he leased the theater to David Belasco, but on top, he still had the roof garden that featured vaudeville acts and a replica of a Dutch farm.

Okay.

Where is this?

This is

on 42nd Street in New York City.

So I found a Herbert.

Hammerstein is still there, correct?

I think it is.

I believe it is.

It's a famous theater.

Well, I think that this theater has been torn down, but I think there's still a Hammersteins.

I might be wrong.

Yeah.

But

so I found out doing this that, so this is pre-AC,

so they would do tons of rooftop theater shows.

Oh, interesting.

So, yeah, because in the summer it's so hot that they would do it outside.

It's crazy that New York's weather in the summer has always sucked.

Yeah.

Awful.

So,

and then they had a Dutch farm also on the roof, replica.

A Dutch farm.

Of a Dutch farm.

Of a Dutch farm?

What?

Goats?

Of a Dutch farm.

What is it?

There was a windmill, a pond with a bridge, and two boats, stone houses, a vegetable garden, a donkey, a turkey, a rooster, four hens, a near-sighted monkey, three peanut monkeys, several sheep, one duck, and four ducklings.

You asked.

Can I just say?

I don't know what my favorite part of this show is, but lists, lists,

lists lists are always great.

Even in my few that I've done, when you hit a good list, like you're like, prisoners were provided, ink, ham, toilet paper, shredded cheese.

Yeah,

always good.

We got another list coming up pretty soon.

Okay, okay.

The biggest attraction was a Holstein cow and a scantily clad Swiss milkmaid.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look at her, huh?

Hey, you like her, guy?

Yeah, you like what you see?

She was in, quote, short skirts and pink.

You know what I mean, fella?

Hey, don't mind me while I put on the cow outfit and go over there and see if she'll do that.

Hey, don't mind my one-utter.

It still works.

Am I right, fella?

You're not a cop, are you?

Yeah.

Are you a cop?

Yes.

I'm a cop, too.

Yeah, I am.

We're both cops.

You're under arrest.

Yeah, I'm undercover.

I'm working as a pervert on this Dutch roof.

Yeah, well, you're doing a really good job.

Yeah, well, I'm pretty good.

I'm Donnie Brasco and right now.

So let me go over there.

What's the point of actually being a pervert?

Huh?

What's the point of actually trying to lure you?

I'm an undercover pervert.

I can tell that you're.

I can tell that you're.

Oh, first of all, it's called Pervert Investigator.

And I can tell that you're.

I could tell that.

Because.

Can I answer the question, my man?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Go ahead, Kiog.

Because a lot of fake cops are around this area, and I'm trying to make them try to arrest me, but I can tell you're legit.

But if I find a fake cop trying to arrest me, it's being a pervert.

You think I want to go over there in a cow outfit with the crotch cut out and say that I'm a one-uttered street cow?

Yes.

I don't think so, my guy.

I think you very much want to do that.

I have no interest in that.

That is not what I'm doing.

See my what?

My utter?

I don't think so.

I'll show it to you, but I don't want to see your badge.

I don't have it.

I don't have it.

I'm undercover.

What are you talking about?

Let's say they come over here and search me for a badge and find it.

My cover's blown.

What precinct do you work out of?

The 941th.

And who's your sergeant?

Sergeant Dick Clapper.

No,

Tensley.

Neither that is.

Sergeant Richie Buchanan is the other one.

The co-sergeant.

Their co-sergeant.

They're undercover.

There's no cover.

Those are under.

Oh, my God.

Do you even...

What's your precinct?

His name is Simplewitch.

What's your precinct, Private?

I'm at the Fifth.

Fifth, huh?

Fifth, what?

Fifth precinct.

There's no precinct called the Fifth.

It's right down the street.

That's a steak and shake.

Okay, so I'm just going to beat the shit out of you because you're a pervert.

All right, let me...

Hey.

Hey.

I'm in too deep.

That's my problem.

Okay.

I chose to believe you.

I'm going to throw you off the rooftop.

Okay.

Can I do the cow outfit thing before you do that?

No, well, you can do it on the way down.

I don't think that's the right idea.

I'm going to throw you by your rudder.

It would just be nice to have someone grab it every once in a while.

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So

the biggest attraction is the cow and the milkmaid.

She offered fresh milk in tiny glasses to visitors.

There's also a theater on the roof that seated 1,000.

Wow.

This is a big building, by the way.

Fuck me.

I think think it took up like a block.

And

there was also the much smaller stage that Hammerstein and his son, William, used to hold Wednesday and Sunday matinees, and that's where the vaudeville shows happen.

That acts like Augusta Rohoff's Flea Circus from Germany.

They had jugglers, musicians, freak shows, all kinds of

animal shows, very popular animal shows.

Sure.

Those included Rookabona's Horses, Gillette's Trained Monkey and Dogs, Rosina Caselli's Midget Dogs, a Boxing Kangaroo, Dolita Del Four's six performing cows, Gulman's Cat and Dog Circus, Uno the mind-reading dog, and Roberts trained cats and rats.

And also, a couple of years previous, Dan the Drunken Dog was a scientific dog.

Oh my God, no.

Oh, did you ask me what the Dan the Drunken Dog show was?

I hope.

Well, let me tell you.

This is from the Sydney Herald because it, of course, went on tour.

Sure, of course.

I've written Australia.

They were like, I wish every dog was like this.

This is what a dog is like.

Quote, the four-footed layers go through their parts as painstakingly and as cheerfully as they do their biped confrères.

And they seem

so they're saying the animals have parts.

Okay.

And they seem that more fun than the people's.

Gotcha.

And they seem to take real delight in their work.

The stage is set with special scenery showing the main street of Dogville with business houses and residents.

So it's a dog town.

So far, it's great.

So far, I'm nervous.

All of the incidents of town life are seen from the loftier who hangs about the saloon door and follows each patron into the bar in hopes of a free drink to the monkey street cleaner and a simian policeman.

So in this town.

A monkey street cleaner and a simian policeman.

SPD, drop it.

The climax comes when Dan staggers from the saloon with a rolling gait and discovers that navigation is somewhat difficult.

And he goes back for another drink for which to steady himself.

And it has the reverse effect.

Is he...

I don't.

I think he's drunk.

I don't know.

I don't know what's worse, but I think he might be drunk.

How are they bringing him back into the...

Is someone walking them?

Surely.

No, no, no.

They're all trained on their own to do their thing.

This dog is trained to have a drunk walk.

He could be drunk.

But then he goes back into the bar.

To steady himself, and he wants another pop.

And he gets another pop.

You mentioned the treasure.

All right, buddy.

Over here.

Now steady yourself.

All right.

Come here, Dan.

Back in.

One more pop.

There you go, buddy.

Good boy.

Give him a little burn.

He's got the little clicker.

There you go, buddy.

So, yeah.

But look, the biggest draw, the biggest draw is still the cow and the Swiss milking lady.

Sure.

When he had an ad placed for the milkmaid in the paper, it read, quote, no homely applicants need apply.

Oh, man.

So get the uglies out of here.

What an era.

What an era where you can literally just be like, yeah, no fatties.

She got $40 a month and room and board.

I mean, shit.

You know what I mean?

She also got to keep some of the milk.

Trust me.

Hey, by the way, there's a perk that stops being a perk 10 days in.

And she didn't have to attend to the ducks, goats, and other animals.

So she didn't have to take care of any.

She might have had to take care of the cow, though.

What the fuck?

That might have been part of the deal.

I would actually enjoy that part of it.

i know

oscar's son william hammerstein had read about don the dog and decided he wanted him for a garden show

a newspaper said he thought don quote was a real necessity as an attraction for his summer program you're probably only going for the german demo with a german-speaking dog because nobody's going to be like oh wow yeah he's going to speak german there's yeah you can't no you're not if you have a german speaking dog You're not going to try to make the dog bilingual.

No, but there is a way around that.

There is a way around that.

Interesting.

That's interesting.

It's a very interesting thing you've said there, sir.

A deal was made with Herman Ebers for Don the dog.

Lloyds of London refused to ensure Don's passage and life.

So the Hammersteins posted a $50,000

bond

for Don,

$1.25 million

today.

It would be paid if the dog died on the trip.

Okay.

Because it's a sea trip.

It's not an easy trip for a person, let alone a dog.

And dogs tend to not be seafaring

creatures.

Yep.

So Herman turned Dawn over to Martha, who would be in charge of him on his vaudeville tour.

Oh, so she's...

So the daughter's going.

Okay, I like that.

And Martha had just married her Carl Hobenland,

so they decide to combine their honeymoon and Don the Dog

tour.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

There's nothing strange about

turning your honeymoon into.

Plus, I'm making the Don't.

It's a free honeymoon.

I'm making the dog watch.

No.

No, you're not.

No, sir.

I'm cucking the dog.

No, you're not.

100%.

Kuchin, Kuchin.

He just keeps barking kuchin.

I mean, one of the worst things,

I was once having sex and looked over the edge of the bed, and the cat was looking right in my eyes.

Oh, dude, I didn't need that.

I was trying to joke about it, but it's like

when you

shut the door to have sex with dogs in the other, like what the dogs do post-coital is, is truly where you're like, you are now.

Well, how would you bring that up?

Me?

You didn't have to bring that up.

You brought it up.

No, I didn't bring it up with you.

They come in like bloodhounds who just sniffed a convict's clothing.

They're just rummaging around sheets, and you're like, if it's not bad enough,

you turn your head for one quick second and look back, and one of the dogs is like licking the area.

Oh, come on, dude.

What?

Because it's relatable.

You're a squirter.

This is a show about relatability, and I am a squirter.

Get over it.

All right, let's Let's get back to this because it's upset.

All right.

So

William Hammerstein hyped Don's coming visit by announcing the $50,000 bond.

Quote, this makes Don the most valuable dog in the world.

So one of the reasons he paid so much for the bond was just to be able to use it as PR.

Right.

Like,

right?

Yeah.

Right.

And the Times reported, quote, Don will sail on the Con Prince Wilhelm next Wednesday.

A special cabin has been engaged in order to ensure his safety.

They traveled first class on the German steamship SS

Prince Frederick Wilhelm because they did not think Don would be safe in the ordinary dog storage.

Cool for the other dogs.

Still applies today.

Cool.

Uh-huh.

When the ship docked in New York, he was greeted by like he's a visiting celebrity.

Always just the deepest very dumbest.

Did you hear?

Did you you hear?

Oh, my God.

I can't wait to meet that dog.

Yes, you're there on the dock because the talking dog is coming.

We're going to need more police officers.

These people are fainting pretty quick.

Now, reporters were there to get some quotes from Don.

This is sadly.

The New York Evening World reported he was, quote, too seasick on the way over to converse with anybody.

As yet, therefore, his opinion of the New York skyline and other local sites is unknown.

Walk me through how we're always able to be the dumbest.

How is it like the Germans are believing they have a talking dog, and we're like, don't worry, we'll outstup it.

You

unfortunately, the dog wasn't feeling too good, so we couldn't comment on the beautiful New York skyline.

When reached for comment, it was a dog.

There we go.

Interesting.

Soon, Don made his debut at Hammerstein's Paradise Roof Garden.

Loney Haskell was master of ceremonies for the Don Show.

So, Loney Haskell is.

No, Loney.

Loney Haskell is.

He's a well-known.

He's like an MC a lot.

He does a lot of these shows with animals, and he's like the, yeah, he's like...

The animal MC.

That's like Todd Glass, I think.

Well, okay.

He would also serve as interpreter because, of course, Don spoke German.

So there you go.

That's what we were talking about.

You wondered what would happen.

You get an interpreter for someone who speaks German, Garrett.

Let me tell you.

Let me tell you.

Yeah, go ahead.

Let me tell you.

You don't need a German dog.

Well, that's the only dog that talks.

No, any dog.

And you'd be like, oh, you could, you just.

He doesn't talk.

He wants coconuts.

This is a German-talking dog.

You can't just get a dog anywhere that speaks to me.

Speaking of me, I paid $20 to watch a dog talk, and there's a guy telling me what it's saying.

Don was very nervous.

What?

So much so that he would not go on stage until all the windows of the rooftop theater were closed.

What a fucking diva.

He's a pretty, yeah, he's what a fucking diva.

Not all reviews were great.

Variety wrote,

the trained growls which emanate from his throat can readily be mistaken for words.

Sort of

bullshit.

No.

Variety is pointing out.

Bullshit.

Didn't matter.

Audiences are fucking thrilled.

They love the show.

So they're hearing what they want to hear.

They hear the dog's clear words.

Haskell told the audience Don had been touring Europe for two years.

And he also said Don Don was suffering from the New York heat, so his performance might not be great.

And also that Don had a meager vocabulary due to a brief education.

It's a dog

who has not gone to the proper schooling.

Yeah, I don't think anyone is just like, how far did he go?

What college does Don want to go to?

I think a lot of us are asking those questions.

Those are valid questions at this point.

It's a talking dog.

Quote, he pointed out that speaking a totally unfamiliar tongue was a great strain upon its system, and it required an hour's rest before every appearance.

He's a dog.

He requires an hour's rest before an hour's rest.

Yeah, he's tired.

I mean, it's all very tiring to.

do this.

The audience then shouted for the dog and Martha let him out.

And as reported in the Springfield Daily Republican, quote, why heist do?

Woof, replied the dog.

People who thought it sounded like

a word applauded, quote,

was hast do?

Hunger, announced the dog.

Hunger.

The audience applauded wildly.

A reporter concluded Don meant is...

We should just, this is like, what this should be is just like a roof with a trapdoor, and everyone who claps gets moved to a certain zone, and we just drop them into the ocean.

So, people who believe and have hope are the ones that you want.

Yep.

Get rid of them.

We'd probably be in a better zone today.

The reporter concluded Don meant what he was saying due to all the cookies he ate after.

The New York Times.

That is a shocking statement.

A dog is going to eat biscuit.

Like,

well, he must have been hungry.

He ate a bunch of biscuits.

So, this is an airtight chatting dog.

They need you to try to believe.

I am, I've tried.

The New York Herald reported, Don said, cake, rest, to have, and the name of his director, Miss Hobberland.

That's not her name.

By the way, the headliner at the theater that summer was Harry Houdini.

So he was, he was billed with Houdini.

So that's a pretty fucking top.

That's a while.

By the way, now that I know he's an opener, I'm a a lot more into it.

But also, if you're

not an opener, they're in the same

Houdini's downstairs and he's upstairs.

They're just this.

One reporter was probably just like, more like, Houdini.

This dog is chatting and he's putting more butts in seats than Harry.

Don did many shows in New York for eight weeks.

Sure.

Moving for way more tickets than I or us.

He performed at different venues around New York, even though rooftop theaters were popular during the summer.

Don preferred indoor theaters because he hated the sound of traffic.

Yeah, he said,

I won't do it.

Does he do crowd work?

Well, he probably doesn't want to have to compete vocally with all the noises.

Absolutely.

You know, it's probably hard on him.

Absolutely.

If you're a performer, yeah, but he's probably at this point, he's probably backstage doing some dog warm-ups, you know.

Rough, rough, rough, rough, rough, rough, rough, row, raw, raw,

rough, rough, rough, rough, rough, rough, rub, raw, rub, rub, rub,

rub, rub,

rub,

rub,

raw, raw, row, raw, raw, ror,

he was so popular, it was decided to tour the rest of America, and Hammerstein paid for an exclusive contract.

Meanwhile, the dog was a dog.

So after eight weeks, Martha and Haskell hit the road with Dawn.

He He started performing in Boston and then you went to San Francisco and Boise, tons of cities.

So fuck this dog.

The Idaho Statements reported he was speaking seven words in November.

Wow.

So he's picking it up.

Picking up some?

But he's speaking German still.

Yeah, well, he's a German dog.

Right.

Yep.

I mean, one would think that...

Well, one would think that, I mean, he's basically repeating, so one would think you could teach him like like potatoes or something.

He's German.

You gotcha.

Some performers refused to share the bill with Don, believing it was undignified.

Honestly, they were probably like, they would be backstage like, guys, Doug's killing.

Can't do that.

I got to follow that fucking dog.

That's crazy.

Or there's like the headliner's late, so someone's in the back going to Don, like, stretch.

Stretch.

Others would not share the stage because they did not like the horrible methods used to train animals.

No, that's just in general.

Some people refuse to go on the same stage as animals.

I'd be there.

That's how French actress Sandra Bernhardt felt and very popular singer Elsie Janice.

Janice wrote, quote, any man who earns his money by the hard, cruel work of dumb beasts should not be known.

There we go.

There we go.

For her part, Martha is adamant that Don only did what he wanted and aside from treats was not being coerced

what are the other what are other dog coercions well you're like do you want a bed nice bed

i mean they're probably like look if they're not

scaring him with like electricity or reeds or whatever okay that's better but the dog is not this is not what the dog wants to do you don't know that yes i do it could be he could be instinctually a show dog No.

Yeah.

Don really seemed to have it pretty easy.

The act was just answering the same questions every show, and each got him a reward of chocolate.

That, by the way, that's Lucas.

Yeah.

Haskell became very attached to Dust.

So Loni Haskell really starts to like Don.

Like he's like, this is my dog.

And according to a celebrity columnist O.O.

McIntyre, quote, in one night stands, he slept in the dog's kennel.

In one night stands?

Excuse me?

So when they went in and did a show in a town for a night, he would sleep in the kennel with the dog.

I feel like maybe lonely.

Trying to avoid pay for a hotel.

It's different now.

This just got different.

Yeah, this just got different.

Because it sounds like you and Jose a little bit.

No, well, first of all,

every fucking night, and he takes the side closer to the outside of the bed.

And it's getting pretty frustrating, to be quite honest with you.

Because I have to, hold on, because I have to kind of scoot around him to go to the bathroom in the night, and he stays there.

He takes up half the bed.

Maybe more.

Anyway, what's up?

Well, again, this is another thing you should bring up with your couple's therapy.

He's not going to the farm that they'll...

No.

The milk farm?

You already saw that?

He's going to the milk farm.

No.

You already saw that.

I know.

I've spent the money they gave me to have him on that suit the guy wears at the end of Avatar, and I'm going to go to that farm and demand him back, and they will give him to me, and I will take him in the avatar suit, and he will be in there, and he will receive daddy's kisses in the avatar suit.

Well, he's already eating milk, pretty milked.

I will have him refilled.

Some people didn't think Don was talking and that Haskell was just making it up as the interpreter.

What?

I mean,

you know what?

How about you believe?

How about people believe in something?

Oh, my God.

Had a little imagination.

Good lord, put a tooth under your pillow every once in a while, would you?

There's magic coming for you.

In April 1913, the Spokane Press reported Don the Talking Dog was now the highest-paid vaudeville performer.

He was making $500 a week.

Gutting.

But when at Hammerstein's, he was pulling in $1,000 a week, $125

per word.

Could have done with that.

He's like Larry the cable guy, the dog.

I've told you that I knew Larry the cable guy before he was

right.

Yeah.

Crazy.

Before the chicken.

You steal the mics together, and all of a sudden he goes up in a cable guy outfit.

I'm like, what in the fuck are you doing, dude?

It's so funny to just imagine the people like he's probably walking in that first night, like nervous as shit, no sleeves on.

Everyone's like,

nutty, you're going to look back on five years and regret this a lot.

What are you doing?

His ability to talk was being taken seriously in some academic circles.

One reason was because when he was a young man, Alexander Graham Bell had spent hours trying to teach his dog, Truve, to speak.

Bell tried to manipulate Truve's mouth and chin to get him talking.

And Bell said he did teach him to say, Maman, and then eventually, how are you, Grandma Ma?

I mean,

what the fuck?

This is Alexander Graham Bell.

That's right.

Thank God the telephone came around.

Otherwise, everyone would be like, what, dude?

How are you, Grandma Mom?

I would, I mean, look, I love dogs.

If a dog came up to me and said, how are you, grandma mom?

I would punch it or stab it.

Yeah, you'd have to.

How are you, grandma, mom?

Unfortunately, Truve was pretty dumb and never learned to speak on his own, just when prompted.

Just one of those things.

And so, but that's science.

And so people are like, yeah, there's talking.

Bell did it.

So on April 1913, on a visit to San Francisco, Don Haskell and Martha went to see J.C.

Merriman, Miriam, a respected paleontologist at the University of California at Berkeley.

And in front of the professor and colleagues, the Oakland Tribune said Don asked for cake, spoke his name, and Martha's.

Professor Merrim was, Miriam was convinced Don was extraordinary.

He was now speaking eight words, and he had added a ruble and dollar.

Oh, he's saying dollar now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's very funny that one of the words Don has learned in Capital America.

Yeah, Capital America.

That's right.

Dollar.

His original story had now expanded a bit.

Quote,

Haberlin told how after Don learned to say kitchen, he would run around to neighbors' houses and ask for cake.

She, sorry, coochin.

Sorry,

that was okay.

That was auto correct.

Okay,

he would run around to neighbors' houses and ask for cake.

She said that led to people always asking him if he was hungry, from which he learned to say hungry.

Professor Miriam was astonished.

So she made up a lie that she's just, she's the

my dog's don't say.

Kuchin.

Kuchin, I hear him saying coochin.

So she's now come up with lies about how he learned, like he went around asking for cakes at people's houses.

Miriam has come up with this lie.

No, no, this is Hobberlin.

Martha.

Martha's coming up with this.

Okay, Martha, right, Martha, I mean, sorry.

Yeah, yeah.

So the the lore of...

Right, she's building it up.

But is he saying kitchen?

I mean, is he saying dollar?

Is he saying...

No,

that's cake.

He's saying kuchen or whatever it is for cake.

But is he?

He's had an auto-correct.

Yeah, yeah, no, I understand.

But is he saying dollar and stuff like that?

He's saying dollar, yeah.

He is.

So there's something going on, right?

I think he's able to mimic a little bit.

Well, that's still pretty.

I mean, I know that people are like.

You've seen it on.

If you go on Instagram, you'll see dogs be like, I I love you.

I love you.

You can get him to mimic stuff, some dogs.

Yeah.

Stop making me do this.

Yeah.

So weird.

Professor Merriam was astonished and said, as far as he knew, this was the first dog who ever talked.

He deduced that Don's vocal cords must somehow be similar to a man's.

Quote.

This guy.

Just with his fucking pipe and his elbow patches.

My first guess is that he's probably got the vocal cords of a man.

I have no doubt that if Don had been taken at an early age by scientists who would have devoted their entire time to the dog's education, he would be able to speak many words and perhaps carry on simple conversations.

Just, yeah.

Remove the professor title, ASAP.

Don now

became a pioneering celebrity endorser, at least for animals.

He endorsed milkbone dog biscuits.

Milkbone, that's the only one I'll eat.

The newspaper ads called him, quote, the most valuable money-making dog in the world, and said

he is only fed on Maltoid milkbone, the best food for your dogs, too.

So Don, Don returns to the stage at Hammerstein's in 1913, and later that summer he went to do shows at the Hotel Shelburne in Brighton Beach, Brooklyn.

Sure.

Big.

One day,

a waiter at the hotel was swimming as Don was frolicking in the waves.

Okay.

Oh, no.

But Don noticed the waiter is flaming about in the ocean.

Oh, my God.

Stop.

And according to the sun, Don yelled a new word.

Help.

What?

Help, Gareth.

He is the Beatles.

Which startled people on the beach.

Uh-huh.

Don then swam over to the drowning waiter.

Is it just me or is that dog in the ocean shouting help?

Or is this LSD finally kicking in?

Don then swam over to the drowning waiter.

I like that nobody else.

No, everyone else was like, huh.

And began pulling on his bathing suit.

But the waiter was so panicked that he threw his arms around Don, and now both of them were drowning.

No.

This is text.

A cop is passing by on a horse.

And the horse is like, hey, officer, over there, it looks like one of those guys might be in trouble along with that chatty dog.

The New York

son said the cop, quote, understands German when spoken by a dog.

So he jumped.

What?

Just keep going or I'm going to blow everything up.

The cop understood.

German dog.

German only.

Well, there's a lot of German immigrants in New York, so he understands German.

He's probably got German parents or is from Germany.

Is that German, I hear?

So he jumped off the horse.

He jumped the horse off.

He jumped the horse off an embankment into the water and tried to rescue both Don and the waiter.

Quote,

just as he caught a hold of the waiter's hand, a huge roller knocked him from his horse.

this is intense.

This is nuts.

So now we got three people probably drowning.

Three people are nuts.

And maybe a horse in danger.

Then three lifeguards came in a boat and saved the waiter.

What the fuck?

By the way, hey, lifeguards, it ain't boat time.

What about your training?

Get in there.

Don, the cop, and the horse then swam ashore.

Quote, Don then frisked about just as if nothing had happened.

Because he's that humble.

No, he's a

he's that.

He's just like i'm gonna go sniff some butts and whatever now he's humble uh cake anyone want some cake he doesn't need the accolades he just he's just like i'm gonna do dog stuff now sure

we've got a frisbee what with three lifeguards in a boat the new york tribune headline was quote talking dog no braggart

wow

don is a hero of surf rescue but doesn't say a word

We asked Don how he felt about the whole thing.

No comment was basically the statement.

And then coincidentally, this is very good PR for the show.

Right.

Yeah.

Coincidentally.

Oh, oh.

So Don performed about two years in the U.S.,

and then he retired and returned to Germany.

He retired.

Haskell calculated their stage performances paid Don $92 a word, the equivalent of about $2,300 a word today.

This meant

his full eight-word performances would have returned the modern equivalent of

$18,400.

So he's just rolling in

bones for life.

That's like, yeah.

Don died at home near Dresden in late 1915.

He would have been about 12.

His last words, if any, were not recorded, even though the evening news reported they were, quote, say goodbye to my old pal, Loney Haskell.

Huh?

What are you saying?

I'm saying there is that they actually didn't.

There were not actually last words, but the

evening news.

No, the evening news reported that there were.

That he said, quote, say goodbye to my old pal Loney Haskell.

What the evening news should

be revoke.

I mean, it's like news max level.

No, that's.

You don't know.

Either one could be true.

No, no, no.

He could have said that.

No.

By the way, it would be great if it was just like, actually, all of a sudden, I'm overcome with a complete feeling of no stress.

I'm seeing the light, the proverbial light that they always speak of, and up there I see friends of past and friends of future, or something like that.

I'm covered in a deep, deep sense of calm, like that time you bathed me with all the liquid soap for the dishes.

Suddenly, I feel so free, so good.

My achy legs are no longer achy.

Why?

I'm able to run and frolic.

Excuse me, good friends.

I believe this chapter down here is dawn.

There would be other talking dogs, including Rolf, a German-born terrier, who supposedly communicated by a sort of Morse code of his own invention and also solved addition and subtraction problems.

His own invention.

That's right.

That's right.

There's a lot of bullshit.

There's a lot of lifting going on.

It's not.

It sounds very scientific.

And

Queen, positively the only dog in the world that speaks the English language in 1918, singing dogs had their day too.

They were also singing dogs.

The phenomenon was gradually die out as vaudeville yielded the stage to other forms of entertainment, mostly motion pictures.

Author Trey Este, who pays attention to such matters, said he isn't aware of any talking dog acts around today.

However, there are plenty of amateurs to be seen and heard on YouTube and Instagram and whatnot.

But no dog, however vocally gifted, is likely to capture America's public imagination quite like Don.

A top dog.

The top dog.

Dawn.

Sources: The Republican, the Springfield Daily Republican, the Idaho Statesman, the Spokane Press, the Oakland Tribune, Poverty Bay Herald, the New York Tribune, the New York Times, WeirdHistorian.com, Bowery BoysHistory.com,

Hatching Cat, New York City, and Smithonian Magazine.

Well, Dave, crazy.

We all win.

We all win.

I'm still a little dubious.

Win.

We all win.

We're all.

Not all of us.

We are all winning.

Not all of us.

Every single one of us.

Episode ended quite a while ago.

Hey, Dollop fans.

I know you love the dollop.

You love listening to the dollop.

Do you want to watch the dollop?

You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about?

By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth.

Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes.

So if you want to go watch a five-parter animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of The Rube.

It really genuinely kicks ass, and we're very proud of it.

And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them.

We're already making a second one, so go there and watch The Rube.

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