118 - The Past Times with Matt Lieb

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All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, the great Matt Lieb.

Hello, Matt.

Thank you for joining us.

I'm so excited to be here.

I am.

Well, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, I had to think for a second.

I usually say it, but, you know, and I never really look to see if I actually am.

I am, I'm stoked.

It's something to do today.

Yeah, it is something to do today.

Because you have a show tonight, but you have the comedian problem of just there's

a whole day.

Daytime is the tough time for the comedian.

Yeah.

It's like we keep vampire hours.

Yeah, and the wife is at home with the kids.

So you get to hear about how you're not there for the tough things that are happening.

Yeah,

she's texting me about how my child is growing up so fast.

And I'm like, good.

I hope she is 18 by the time I'm back and has her own apartment.

I'll make another with you.

Yeah.

They don't get their own apartment anymore at 18.

That's 27.

Matt, we just did an episode.

Well, first of all, Matt, what can we promote of yours?

You were bragging a lot before we started about how many podcasts you do.

I have a lot of podcasts.

You have

Joe Rogan experience.

No, no, Matt,

your podcast.

Oh,

I was going to say I have a lot that I, in the rotation, the daily with Michael Barr.

Oh, well, let's just stick to the ones that you, those are great ones, but let's just stick to the ones that you host.

The ones you host.

Yeah.

The ones that people that you benefit directly from.

Those don't do as well as the daily.

I still think it's going to be helpful for you to promote those.

I think that's the way to go.

So I do a podcast called The Joe Rogan Experience.

No, no, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt.

Because I don't think you do.

I think that's Joe's show.

So what are what are the shows that you

self-michael?

I'm kind of on it.

We're hanging out together.

That's parasocial.

That's para.

You're having a parasocial relationship with

me.

Because

I know everything he's thinking because he says it out loud.

And usually.

Well, this is actually...

Maybe we should talk about this because this is actually taking some turns that I think could be helpful for you to get out.

But let's do that after.

What are the shows that you know, you do ads for your podcast.

So the ones where you do ads.

Oh, okay, okay.

So I do a podcast.

It's really funny to say Joe Rogan again, by the way.

I can tell you're weighing whether or not to do it.

And I think doing it was right, to be honest.

I don't want to be judged.

Okay, so I have a few.

One is called Bad Has Bar, the World's Most Moral Podcast.

That is a podcast where me and my co-host Daniel Mate,

two Jewish anti-Zionists, talk about funny Israeli propaganda.

So you're not funny, I mean horrifying.

What's that?

So you're not Zionist.

Right, I'm not a Zionist, so therefore I'm not Jewish.

Yes.

Well, you know, I'm a Zionist on the wrong side.

That's the thing.

It's so Zionist on your mother's side.

And my other podcast is

the wonderful rewatch, Mad Men Rewatch podcast called Pod Yourself a Gun.

It's a Sopranos rewatch podcast, and then it became a The Wire rewatch podcast.

And now it's Mad Men.

And we just had

Dave's dad here, Gareth Reynolds, on the season one finale of

and I'll tell you, the best intro song to a podcast possible.

Yeah, it's true.

It truly,

if you,

it's worth listening.

It is.

It's hard to pivot when you turn a Sopranos show into a show for other shows, but you've really found a way to make it seamless with the intro.

So I would would encourage everyone to listen to that and then what's your third podcast it's a movie watch podcast yes so uh then the other podcast uh i do with uh emily fleming and jordan morris uh it is called free with ads and that's a podcast where we talk about free movies that we saw on the internet and so you know that's that's all those are all my jobs i have so many jobs so you're you're uh so you're in a uh a financial panic because you have a kid and you just keep starting podcasts.

Yeah, if you start enough of them, it's like it's like lotto scratchers.

One of them will eventually be the Joe Rogan experience.

Now, careful, careful.

We're doing it again, so be careful.

I don't want to see Dippin'.

Nope.

I don't think that was you.

Um, now, Matt, real quick, we just had your lovely wife on an episode.

Man,

nope, and uh, nope.

And uh, you're uh, we uh, we decided to wed, uh, try to newly wed game her and you a little bit.

Oh, I love it.

Now, if we were to ask her what your favorite movie is,

what would you say is your favorite movie?

And we'll tell you if she got it right or not.

The Aviator, Martin Scorsese,

is a movie about Howard Hughes, The Aviator.

Now,

she did not say that.

No.

No.

What would she say my favorite movie is?

Ooh, what would she say?

She'd say, like, I don't know,

she'd be like, the godfather or something stupid.

It's exactly what she said.

That's exactly what she said.

She said it would be Scorsese,

and then she couldn't really pin it down.

So she said the godfather one or two.

It's very, to quote, she said some Scorsese bullshit.

Yes, that's what she said.

Okay, and then we asked her

what your last meal would be in the way that we were thinking death row meal, but she took it as the last thing you'd eaten.

So that's your setup.

Okay.

And it's, yeah, yeah.

She would assume that the last thing I had eaten was

pizza hamburger, you know, or like,

you know,

nacho ramen cheese.

She's pretty pretty good.

She said it would be tacos and jalapeno poppers for Jacket from Jack.

She knows.

Oh, my God.

She's worried about your hard movie.

Her favorite movie, what would you say is her favorite movie?

Oh,

some Spanish language bullshit.

No,

maybe

it is.

What is her favorite movie?

Oh, this is not good.

This is classic.

She did great.

She doesn't like movies, is the thing.

Her favorite movie

is it, is it that the one, uh, god, what is it?

It's like an Asian one.

Um, it's it's it's about uh like uh Chinese spots.

Yeah, Godzilla.

Are you thinking of a Godzilla?

No, no, no.

Chinese.

Do you want it?

You're very close.

Do you want to

it's called like wake, wake, wake, wake up.

What the fuck is it called?

Like

wake.

You're right there.

The breakfast club.

Yeah, it's the breakfast club.

You're right there.

That was my next, that was going to be my next guest, breakfast club.

I believe that.

Which led us to ask her what she has for breakfast.

What would you say she has for breakfast?

That was our question to her.

She has

whatever Karina's eating for breakfast.

Maybe,

you know,

she likes eggs, so she'll have an eggy.

She sometimes she has yogurt, sometimes

for brekki uh

oh god um i first of all i love my wife my wife i love my wife uh and her this is what what what did she just have for breakfast is that the question you were to say her break yeah go ahead yeah

oh man and what does she call it

uh she calls it brekkie

okay

she had uh She makes a smoothie.

And would you like to guess what she calls her smoothie?

Poonie.

That's right.

Pooney.

Okay, and we're off.

Uh, by the way, I think you are on the Joe Rogan experience, and you did great.

I'm sorry,

you're okay, you're okay.

It's a good thing your bike's in an ice bucket.

You might need to cool that down a little bit.

Yeah, all right, let's uh let's start recording.

Hold you, all right, let's start the show.

One, two, three,

action.

Um, okay, Matt, we're gonna do a podcast now.

This whole thing has been the, yeah, yeah.

Uh, and if you're lucky, you could be a part of this one forever, too.

So, I know you wanted to add a fourth, okay.

Um, dave has a paper what year do you think it's from matt you get first crack it could be any year that's true um

okay so it has to be after a point at which there is the printing press correct correct i'm gonna say it's from 19

nice this is good 92.

Wow, that is wild.

That's a wild guess, bro.

I just kind of went for it.

That's a wild guess.

Because it's probably from like 1915, but you know, because those are that's a better guess, but it could happen.

I'm going to go with

1899.

Matt, so close.

It is 1891.

Fuck, I almost got it.

You almost did.

You were one year off, basically.

So close.

So close.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Super close.

Way.

Gareth was like, I mean, close.

Why even know what he was thinking?

Super close.

I can hear you.

Can you guys hear me?

Where'd Gareth go?

This is

ever do that when you were a kid to your friends.

You'd like to pretend they were gone.

You'd be like, Where's Jamie?

And they'd be like, I'm here.

You'd be like, get this little bastard.

Yeah, that's really.

Did you ever kill your friend?

Go ahead, Dave.

I never did any of this.

Oh, go ahead, Dave.

This is March 12th, 1891.

The Wiser or Weiser?

It's probably Wiser.

Idaho semi-weekly signal.

Cool.

Semi-weekly.

Semi-weekly.

Not a daily.

Nope.

Not a daily.

They're just.

Southern times.

But also not.

But are we sure it's coming out every week?

Sounds

a couple of times.

It's not the same as bi-weekly could be

twice a week or every other week.

Semi-weekly.

Semi-weekly feels like how you define a relationship with someone you won't commit to.

I see your semi-weekly.

Semi-weekly is like how I describe when people are going to get bonus Patreon episodes.

You know, it's just like...

That's what I mean.

Sometimes.

Sometimes.

It's worth it because sometimes we do.

Trust the process.

Trust the process.

Give me the money first.

Yeah, give me the money, and then you get your stuff.

Yeah, exactly.

Leave the money in a bag, then I'll riff on a movie for you.

Exactly.

Are you crazed?

You get full first of pay-me-fodan.

Have you guys seen Blood Diamond?

No, but that got really racist.

No, no, that is an impression of Leonardo DiCaprio doing a South African.

You got to start with that before you launch in.

The next time you do it, the setup's huge for that one.

The setup, the context is big for that impression.

Well, listen, I kind of just naturally assume everyone's seen Blood Diamond.

I think that's where you're.

Well, yeah, there's your problem.

There's your problem.

It was a fan.

It had Jennifer Connolly in it and Leonardo DiCaprio.

You're backtracking in a great way.

Are you, Chris?

You get faux pay me plus fau dam.

Okay, but you sound like you're doing a really bad Asian.

He's doing

an accent to Commander Zero,

who is an African and he's a white South African.

Yeah.

So he's kind of, it's actually him being racist.

Okay.

Okay.

Are you guys listening?

I am dying to.

Maybe I just go to them go men, huh?

At least them go men gonna pay me, huh?

You gotta see it.

I really do think we gotta see it.

I just don't remember.

I have not seen it.

Why is no one looking at the camera anymore?

No one's looking at me.

Everyone's looking at me.

Well,

I'm trying to find it.

You're trying to find the scene with Commander Zero.

Look what I'm saying.

Well, I'm just trying to find some of it because I really want to hear.

All right, just fast forward a little bit.

Is that the scene?

Yeah, keep fast forwarding.

I'll tell you when you're in the right area.

You idiot.

You're an idiot.

You did this.

I'll just do it for you.

No, no, no.

You get something for me?

Yusuf, get something for me, huh?

You bring the plan first.

Are you Chris?

You get for pay me first for them.

See,

that was fun.

I really gotta say, if someone was like, Hey, do you want to take this role?

I'd be like, No, no, I don't think so.

It's it's a

here.

The accent is hilariously horrible.

Yeah, still, the funniest part remains Matt leaping in, being like, and then the boys will know the blood diamond reference

because we all have seen it because we've all seen it a bunch and know that scene from the movie.

You know, Commander Zero scene.

I feel like 50% of man's life is him stopping and going, have you guys not seen Blood Zero?

Yeah.

Every first time.

Yeah.

I turned it into the middle.

Have you guys not seen it?

Dad's.

I'm my fucking dad now, just going around going, did you ever flashy thing me?

Men in black.

I literally think I pulled something.

You did.

From laughing at the flashy thingy from Men in Black.

All right, Dave, here we go.

All right, here we go.

This is like near Boise, this paper.

Sure.

I live there for a year.

The cars killed three.

So this is just a list of stuff.

It's one of those.

It's not a story.

It's just a list of tiny.

Yeah, exactly.

The cars killed three head of horses Tuesday above town.

Two of them belonged to Ed Barton.

So the car killed three horses.

The cars killed three.

Three horses.

Read it again.

The cars were here.

The cars were here.

Read it slower.

Can you read it together?

The cars killed.

I'm sorry.

It starts out the cars.

Yes, the cars.

The bands.

Okay.

Oh, am I wrong?

Yeah, the band.

The cars.

Yeah, okay.

People don't know that.

Whenever the cars were touring, they would just kill horses.

Oh, yeah.

Often.

yeah well yeah how confusing if their like bus got into an accident with a bunch of cars the cars hit a lot of cars the other day in what's being called a total car wreck for cars the cars and the cars show is postponed

the cars killed three head of horses tuesday above

three head of horses that's right two of them belonged to ed barton So they just, it just killed horses.

You don't have to say a head of horse.

It's the horse.

It's a horse.

Well, maybe it just killed the head.

Maybe the rest of the horse is okay she'll still ride but uh she ain't gonna ride like she did

you're gonna want to jack a little wheel up top on her yeah yeah you're gonna have to uh basically uh move her neck to where whether she goes left or right or up or down the neck is not a steering apparatus she's still crap and you can still spur

you're gonna have to get some friends to move the legs too but i feel like i should just replace it no no you did she'll ride for a little while London.

She's fine.

She's going to a mechanic.

She'll go to a horse guy.

What you got to do?

Put a goat head on the body.

It'll look funny, but it'll play.

It'll play.

She'll play.

And she'll eat all your trash when you're done.

She eats your trash.

She don't poop.

This will be fine.

And don't worry, Mr.

Barton.

We got you.

Fordyce, a sheep buyer, and Ormsby, another sheep buyer, are in the county buying mutton on foot for the summer's drive.

It's weird.

This listicle, I'm spacing out a little bit while you're talking because it just sounds like...

You guys ever listen to Prairie Home Companion?

I know what you're talking about.

You know, like that guy, Garrison Keillor, you would just start talking about stuff.

And I was just like,

shut up.

Yeah, you had to pretend to get it.

Yeah, yeah.

Can you read that again?

I definitely think it deserves a reread.

Fordyce, a sheep buyer, and Ormsby, another sheep buyer, are in the county buying mutton on foot for the summer's drive.

Okay, so they're sheep buyers and they're buying lamb, probably

jerk eat lamb or I mean, it's hard to keep, so maybe.

Are they buying it for themselves to eat because they're

Yes.

Okay.

I think they're buying it for themselves because they're eating.

Mutton is meat from sheep.

Yeah.

So it's from sheep.

Yeah.

And they have sheep with them.

Yeah, they could just kill and eat a sheep.

Maybe they're just showing the sheep what could happen if they don't behave.

Yeah, I still think a killing in front of them would be better, but potentially.

It's strange to be like knee-deep in sheep and then be like, you know what, hit the spot for the drive, a little bit of sheep.

Why do you think i became a shepherd i just love sheep

i'm so attached to my flock though

no they're friends not food but i do i do eat i will buy it i will buy it

okay

all right uh

mr johnson the millwright of the weezer rolling mills roller mills has got up to Boise with a quantity of flour, which he will introduce to the people of that place.

They don't get flour?

One trial, we think, will be sufficient to prove its worth to them.

Wow.

So, this is like, I mean, it's like, it's like cocaine.

It's like fire.

You see the drug deal on a movie and they're like, cut it.

Let me taste it.

Let me, yeah, that's good.

This article is flour.

It's full.

It's just snitching.

Like, is this like this is just looking out and going, here's what's going on in town.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, it is a bit, it's a bit gossiped.

Yeah.

But I do like the idea idea of coming to town with flour for the first time and people being like, I don't know.

Isn't that that big city powder?

Someone's like, this is great.

I'm not sure this will make bread.

I don't know.

That's impossible.

That's that stuff Diana's boy got hooked on, and now he doesn't come home anymore.

Because he's so big.

He's so big.

And she's petting a goat-headed horse.

Quiet, Sebastian.

Quiet, quiet.

You know, he started to be able to say, kill me, but I won't.

Kill, kill me.

This not a life.

This not a life.

By the way, that's from Blood Diamond.

Oh, I love that movie.

Yeah, it's great.

That's a great movie.

Have you seen?

So good.

Have you heard the.

Like, I thought when I first saw him, I was like, that guy's from South Africa.

But no, Leonardo.

It is awesome when an actor misses on an accent and has to do it for the whole.

It's awesome.

Yeah.

Like Brad Pitt being like in the devil's whatever,

the son of the devil or whatever the fuck it's called.

Oh my god.

Gangs of New York, Cameron Diaz.

But that's like when you're a big star like that, like the director's like, that's great.

Are you done on your prep?

Where are you in the prep?

You are done.

Yeah, I thought you were done.

It's awesome.

It's really good.

That's

just say action.

I'm just going to wing it.

Oh, it's me, Cameron Diaz.

Great.

i'm here in in old new york town great and i'm going to fall in love with leonard cabrio all right cut hey i can't uh cut her bring the dialect coach over here i'm gonna stab him

uh indian valley inklings Mr.

Editor, I will take the liberty of giving you a few topics of the week.

Wow, this is a

just a guy riding in with the news.

He's like, all right.

And then it made it.

I'm going to help out the paper.

And the editor was like, cool, we need this.

Well, yeah, content.

Well, they're all content.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

All of our

writers died of consumption.

The snow has been going fast for the day, the past day, few days.

Sorry, I'll read that again.

The snow has been going fast for the past few days, and horsemen will soon be able to turn their stock on the hills.

Some even having already turned out.

Good.

Yeah.

Good.

I'm glad to know.

I'm glad to know.

Finally, that's closed.

We closed that loop.

I was worried for a second.

Oh, yeah.

Freaking.

Wouldn't be able to do that thing you said.

Yeah, no, the full, the end of that is exactly what I wanted to hear because before that, seemed pretty problematic, but then

what are those horsemen going to do?

Because the snow's going so fast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's super, super quick.

Don't go that fast, snow.

Slow down.

If you want it to or whatever's good for the

we don't want it to, yeah.

So you think this is how people read papers back then?

They just went, uh-huh.

Yeah, I know what that means.

Well, I fathomed that language properly.

There's more.

There's more to this.

James Morrison of Council has driven his band of horses to George Patterson's to feed.

Band of horses, good, another good band of horses.

That guy took his horses to a neighbor's house to eat.

So that's a big deal.

That's what's happening.

And

this is reader-submitted headlines?

Yes, if you can believe it.

Yeah.

Well, they're not headlines.

It's just reader-submitted information.

Right.

To be fair,

it's not like they said it was writer-submitted.

Right.

This is just some guy who's like, I got pitches.

Chris Fitz has a new post.

I've been reading your news and I think it's bad.

Butterfly scene.

Here's a little something from me.

Hay is plenty here and is selling for $5 a ton.

Bam.

That's news.

That is actually probably the most helpful part.

Yeah.

Because back then you're like, that's huge.

The dance given by the Farmers Alliance in this valley was well attended and was a success.

This is just such a says the guy who threw the fucking dance.

Yeah.

You had $1,000.

Yeah.

My event, my birthday party was super well attended, and everyone was there.

Whoever was there.

It was awesome.

The whole town was there.

And we laughed in merriment.

It's still happening, actually.

I'm writing from the dance floor.

I'm having fun.

I got a blowjob.

All right.

What?

What?

That's right.

I'm another fella.

I got my dick sucked in the barn by Ken.

You hear that, Georgia?

Zach's wife.

Are you listening, Georgia?

We had a party and I had the most fun.

Ken and I got hammered on for a minute, siren, and we sucked my cock at my birthday dance.

We did a new thing.

It's called space talking.

Both of our penises went inside of each other's penises.

All right, all right, all right.

Randall, Randall, Randall, Randall.

No, stop.

No, no.

I bought a right.

Let it

go.

Let it go.

Let it go.

Come on.

Oh, I hate my ex-wife.

I know, I know, but I don't think you're getting her the way you think.

She reads this paper.

I know, but space dock.

I know, I paid for the subscription.

All right.

Randall, Randall, Randall.

But 13 years ago, Randall, Randall, Randall.

Space.

I don't know if they're going to.

Space dock, I don't know if that's going to make it.

It'll make her the most mad.

That's why I wrote it.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah, but

I think what we're trying to say is that there is no space.

There is no, no one understands a space dock because that's not something that we have in 1891.

It's an idea that I had.

What if there was a thing called space?

This is interesting.

And then, okay.

This is how the telescope got invented?

I don't know.

Also, and there's an asterisk: how do you get your dick out of another guy's dick?

Your honor, I'm stuck in Kenny, but

not my fault.

Yeah, it's a Fairleigh Brothers movie.

Stuck in Kenny.

Okay, there's more.

The spring fights fights has begun, and one old mossback has a boy aged 17 who can whip any old man in Washington County between the ages of 60 and 90.

It's like when Andy Kaufman would like to wrestle women.

I'll fight anyone between the ages of 60 and 90.

In 1891, a 90-year-old man is a corpse.

Where do you find 90?

I'll let me stop that 90 because at 91, they get a second wind and they get really strong.

I won't find a 92-year-old who becomes sad.

I mean, by the way, I'm putting that offer out there.

I will fight any 90-year-old.

I'm in.

I'm going to start a YouTube, which is just me fighting 90-year-old men.

Yeah.

Just beating the shit out of a dying man.

Got any money, piece of crap?

You're gassed at the end.

I mean, he would put up a hell.

He was a lot tougher than he looked.

Yeah, it's actually really hard.

It's hard to just punch anything, even an object that doesn't move.

So I'm pretty winded right now.

The hardest part is feeling comfortable taking his life.

I'll put my fist through any old man's chest.

The fight is really inside myself being cool with what has been determined as manslaughter.

He has got $3 wagered on it, so come forward, old man, and show your colors.

That is crazy.

That is really crazy.

That is crazy.

This is a setup, though.

It's got to be.

This person's got, like, there's a ringer in there.

He's like, I got $3 on it.

Everyone's voting for him.

He's going to take a dive.

And he and a 90-year-old are going to split the money.

That's not a bad idea.

I have lots of good ideas.

But the 90-year-old is going to be like, I forgot why we're here.

Yeah.

What is this?

The saddest thing about all this is that in three weeks, this is going to to be a new Matt podcast.

I know.

I know.

Well, hurry up before Dana White turns it into

a Turner broadcast event.

If a few lines find a place in the signal, I may come again soon.

Buck A.

Rue.

How many 91-year-olds were there?

That couldn't have been a lot.

But

60, there's a range.

Yeah, there's one guy.

Yeah, he's talking about one guy for sure.

And that's the guy he's going to split the money with.

I mean, the crazy thing is.

He's hanging in there with it.

The crazy thing is that the guy who signed the letter Buck A.

Rue, and you guys just ignored that.

No, that was a good pun.

I heard it and I went, oh, he's having fun.

Yeah, he's having fun.

I want to laugh at it, but he did make his career beating up old men.

Fighting.

I feel like he's a bad.

You don't know if he wins.

How embarrassing is that?

Where you're like, he was pretty good.

That guy hung in there.

I could see why he got to be so old.

That guy's a fighter.

I could see why he survived for so long.

Honestly, I could see why that guy just won't die.

What are you doing down there with your arms?

My sock,

holiday-themed.

I can't tell if it's, you know, when the sock lines aren't the right way up and everything goes wrong?

The sock line felt like it wasn't right, but I'm determining that it was right.

Oh, shit.

It was you who was wrong.

I was wrong.

Now, are you just have you just not been doing laundry?

I like to wear the holiday-themed socks deep into February.

You do?

Yeah, and they don't wash them.

I don't wash them.

I don't wash them till Santa comes.

And he hasn't which comes

like sex combs.

Yeah, back.

Yeah, what he said.

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You're lost.

You'll get it.

Our old friend, Jap Thomason, is still on the matrimonial market.

Jap says he expects he will have to stay there too, but he will live in hopes.

That's a pretty sad little story there.

Yeah, yeah.

An unfuckable guy who believes it won't happen.

That is,

it's like, well, it's his fourth broken-off engagement, and time to hit the newspaper.

Oh, Jeff,

it happened to me again.

Old Jap is single, but ready to mingle.

I'm ready, just so everyone knows.

Nothing's changed over here for old Jeff.

Same old guy.

Looking to bang, but nothing's happening.

Well, Jap killed another one.

I'm still on the market.

Well, another one fell down the stairs.

I just hate commitment.

We received a charming, delightful, and soul-inspiring communication this week, which does not appear for the sad, agonizing, and heart-rendering reason that there was no name attached and we had no way of telling who it was from.

What just happened?

Well, why don't we get it?

Start from the beginning.

That is the beginning.

Do it again.

Yeah.

We received a charming, delightful, and soul-inspiring.

Excuse me.

I have

cove cove covets

we received a charming delightful and soul inspiring communication this week which does not appear for the sad agonizing and heart-rendering reason that there was no name attached and we had no way of telling who it was from now I would like to printable that the last thing the last thing I read was signed a friend and the other one was Buck A Rue

Good point so

but this but and this headline or whatever we call it is really just, we were going to print something pretty dark, but they didn't sign it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Interesting.

We will gladly publish anything of public interest when we know the name of the writer.

We will not give your name to the public, but we must have it ourselves.

Does this need to be done publicly in the paper?

Yeah.

I mean, I guess.

That's a fucking headline.

And for

possibly be.

Yeah.

What is so sad?

The sun came up today, and it's looking to go down this evening.

Well, who wrote it?

Who wrote it?

My boy passed away.

Yeah, okay.

Minnesota has taken a step for reform in the jury system by inserting a clause in the Constitution providing that in civil cases, the agreement of 10 out of 12 jurors shall be sufficient.

Oh, that's sick.

Oh, so sick.

I kind of like that.

Do you like that?

Yeah, for civil cases.

For civil cases, that makes sense to me.

Okay.

Not for criminal cases.

No, criminal cases, you need to get all 12.

But I like civil cases where just like, nah, the majority think you owe them money.

I agree.

I don't give them no money.

You know what I mean?

It's money.

It's not, you know, life.

That's great.

Yeah.

That's just a, you know what?

That's just a great news story.

I learned a lot there.

I did too.

We're not done with that.

What you learning, I learned through you on that one.

What I want.

We're still going.

We're not done with it.

There's more story.

It's a good one thing, that one's over.

In one respect, this step is wise, as it necessitates the corruption of three jurors instead of one to bring about a disagreement.

But

in respect to the weight of a verdict rendered, it is rather a detraction that some reform of the jury system is desirable cannot be doubted.

So they disagree with you.

What do they know?

They're fucking dead.

Yeah.

Yeah,

they're all old and fuck them.

Goodbye.

Those idiots don't have a single podcast.

Well, yeah, that's very true.

They don't have one.

How many podcasts did that whole jury have?

Oh, none?

No.

Oh, interesting.

Oh, interesting.

The Mac finds you not relevant.

So.

Bang my gavel.

My gavel is my microphone.

He's fucking.

You can see the art.

And it's bad.

It's so terrible.

It's you with a gavel, and you're like, ah.

Do they actually do it?

It's just too loud.

Everyone heard the ice bucket on that one.

I was going to say, when you got a road set up, you got to be careful with your mic jokes.

That's right.

Yeah.

It's the only mic I have.

Yeah.

Oh.

If a clerk in a drugstore puts up poison in place of some simple specific,

the proprietor has to face the music.

Wait, what?

If he puts a poison up in

the drug.

So you can't serve poison?

So this is a different era.

He's saying if you serve poison, you've got to...

It's your fault.

I mean, yeah, you have to face the it's a crime.

You got to face the music.

Seems fair.

I'm glad.

So this is when that was decided, huh?

Yeah.

Seems fair to an extent.

This is the artist.

Who made the poison?

But this is probably when the pharmacist made the poison.

Right?

This is small pharma.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Small pharma.

This is when the pharmacist.

Mr.

Walgreen was like, well, I didn't put the poison into the jar.

Imagine the time of Walgreen.

One Walgreen.

Mr.

Walgreens, what's your plan?

Well,

you know, CVS, what if it was shittier?

Like, we're out of everything.

But you can steal a little.

But stealing is way easier.

Imagine a security guard who refuses to enforce anything.

Like a guy walks out with a bunch of mouthwash in his arms and just leaves.

That's my dream.

Paul Walgreen, come to bed, you old dreamer.

Someday.

It's a store, but everything is locked up, but you can see the stuff.

You just can't get it.

There'll be enough

checkouts, but one person working.

Paul, come to bed.

I've got so many ideas.

Like,

we'll put all of the food in areas where you can get it, but the deodorant is going to be behind a glass wall.

But you're a pharmacy, Paul.

No, but we're expanding.

We'll serve Milano cookies, but there'll also be a squirt gun section for kids.

Paul, what are you talking about?

Wrapping paper and cars.

And one-hour photo and Christmas lights, something.

And by God, there'll be a man serving ice cream.

Oh, you've gone too far.

And right there, when you're standing there getting the ice cream, there'll be a little tiny tree of toenail clippings.

And the same man who does the photo will work the ice cream.

Paul!

And he won't be trained in both.

He'll also run the register.

Paul, he'll be able to give you a snapple if you want and cigarettes.

You have to close down the register if someone wants something for the bunions in back.

If someone needs batteries, the whole whole system will collapse upon itself.

And yes, sometimes the medicine will be poison.

That's

fine.

They will pay.

And I'll have one in every city, you'll see.

Like a reverse golden ticket.

One lucky boy or girl.

One lucky boy won't go in.

That's my dream.

Four go into Walgreens, two come out.

And there won't be a wall, and if there is, it'll be white.

Imagine how aghast a court would be if it were admitted that the clerk put up the poison willfully and knowingly, but if he and his employer were to ask that they might go suit-free because he had received instructions never to sell morphine for quinine or give packets of strychnine to any children who might call for it.

Jesus Christ.

Only adults get strychnine.

Imagine what?

Having to make a rule.

That's like one of those rules where you're like, why is that?

All right.

No strychnine to kids, no matter where, how they're asking.

I didn't think I'd have to write it down, but I'm writing it down.

You know, like if you're in a hotel and it's like, no pool crapping, no cannonballs.

You're like, wait, pool crapping?

Yeah.

Mr.

Paul, can I have some stick nine?

Absolutely.

For the last

time.

Thank you.

Can I get my stick?

Yeah, absolutely.

Stick nine, we call it.

Here you go, boy.

There you go.

Eat that up now.

Thank God there's no rule against.

Oh my God, I forgot the law changed.

Man, Mr.

Paul, my tummy and eyes hurt.

That's right.

It's coming out, all of it.

That's right.

You're a good one.

That stick.

Mr.

Paul, I'm bleeding out of the way.

But would you make a choice?

Die or stop whining?

Is that a

seltzer water coming out?

Well, I'm going to have to see some money before I keep filling you with stuff, honestly.

This is getting a little...

Can I have also the Dr.

Shul's foot absorption?

This is a really slow-moving poison.

Is he going to die or what?

I don't know.

You'd think poison would go through a lab this size much faster than a groan.

God damn.

Is this the scene on TV?

I'm going to go to the knife.

I'm going to go to the knife section and see.

Get to the knife section.

I'm going to go stab him.

Thank you so much.

It's just right near the chip.

Somebody open the

security window for one so we can get the knife.

Yeah, it's just crazy.

Who dies with a list?

Shocking.

Yet, this is the treatment through proper

thought proper when a well-authenticated case of selling liquor to minors comes up.

So

they're saying you shouldn't be able to sell poisons to kids.

What were the age restrictions on alcohol in the 1890s?

Was there?

I don't know.

I don't know if there were any.

I think it was just more societal, like frowned upon, don't sell, but so you could, maybe.

I think.

I'm starting starting to think that there is a like clinical use for strychnine.

I just don't know about.

I've only heard of it as a poison.

Is there something

this is before?

This is

like, I don't remember what Ozempic was for originally, you know, but it probably wasn't.

Yeah, cravings go away.

Yeah.

You know,

like it helps with your vision.

Well, it wasn't for all cravings, maybe a weight loss, but then

it was originally a drug for diabetics.

Right, that's right.

It's a drug that makes stop all the time.

It kills rats, strychnine.

Oh, we're talking about rats poison.

Okay.

All right.

So it is a poison.

I thought that's what.

It's like

why were humans taking it?

Why not?

You see where I'm at?

Damn, I never thought about it like that.

Okay, what were the uses of strychnine in the 1800s?

To control mice and rats.

I love to control.

Control mice.

So you look for me, boy.

It was back then a verb.

It was a vermin killer.

Bring me back gold.

And then they're all dead.

I think I misread the label on this one.

I thought it was like a mind control drug for rats.

I was going to say that.

They don't allow me.

Now to control them.

Wake up.

Wake up, my pet.

Wake up.

Oh, Christ.

Don't write control on the label if it's not what you mean.

Is there any strict eight?

That might be a little better of what I'm in the neighborhood for.

It doesn't quite kill them, but it makes them more amenable to doing it.

The little hypnotized

now, bring me the gold from the mountains, my little boys.

These rats are taking a long time.

Go out the door, and they're just a sea of dead rats.

Come on.

Mosh!

Mush, boys!

Mosh!

Attach them to a sledge.

Make me the richest man in the world!

We will win the Iditarod, boys.

For those who are writing the history books, the first name's Dylan.

Mush, boys.

Christ.

All dead again.

Christ.

More like I did a wrong.

There we go.

There it is.

There it is.

I wish I had a human around me to enjoy some of this stuff with me.

I've got all these riffs i want to do got all these rat riffs and all these rats going to waste

doesn't translate to charcoal on the wall as well as i'd hope i just want a million little friends

am i so wrong

is it so wrong to want to be the rat king

don't answer that rats even though you're all dead

right

The tailors of New York propose to sell the bills which they hold against delinquent customers at public auctions.

Wow.

Oh, the beginning.

The beginning.

Right, yeah.

Selling debt.

Oh

damn.

There are two objections to this plan.

First, that it will encourage a certain class of debtors to wait for the sale and have the accounts against them brought by their friends.

Interesting.

Life finds a way.

Wait, isn't that just paying off a debt?

I don't understand what that means.

Oh, I guess it's you're paying off a debt

at a discount.

What is paying for someone's debt mean?

What does any of this mean?

I've never been to a bank.

Is it

a bank?

Is this what they call usury?

Is this usury we're talking about?

Uh-oh, here we go.

I've never been to a bank.

I've never been to a bank.

I don't deal with usurers.

Christ, the Lord, he kicked all of the bankers out of the temple.

I don't know if you remember that.

I do, very much so.

Yes, it's a great scene where he goes, Are you Chris?

You get full payment.

No, no, man.

I don't think I do.

Oh, that was Jesus Christ, Superstar.

No, no.

It's true.

Leo shows up.

So he's doing Jesus with an accent again.

Are you craze?

Are you crazed?

Are you craze?

Are you craze?

I've never wanted to watch Blood Diamond more than that.

Right, you gotta see it, it's upsetting.

Well, in America, it's bling bling.

Out ear, it's bling bang.

Oh, no, no, no, no, oh boy, oh boy, out ear, it's bling bang.

Like, as a writer, you're probably watching Leo read a lot, and you're like, I'm gonna fucking make Leonardo to catch me.

You know, he's gonna say my words,

and then everyone's like, Oh boy,

he's right.

Then you got one more dead deep body,

Then you got one more dead dead, but then you got

one more dead deep body.

Then you go to one more bit.

I hope he doesn't do too much baby talk with it.

I think he'll be able to get it.

He'll get it.

Baby talk.

Are you crazy?

He's in character.

He's so meta.

This guy's method, dude.

This guy is just.

I said latte.

Are you crazy?

He's firing his assistant in my weird little language that I made up

in my South Afrikaans.

Okay.

Are we still in just like, this is just a headline?

Not headline, but just the news.

Yeah, there's no, there's no like

headlines above any of these stories.

I like it.

Yeah.

I mean, it's a way to do news.

It's a way.

It's like clickbait.

Yes, it is clickbait.

It's early.

There's no gifts, which makes it kind of boring.

Right.

I don't love that.

There's no ads to close, which I don't love either.

Yeah, yeah.

Trying to find the little X.

Yeah, the page doesn't just crash randomly,

which is the most fun part.

But this is.

I love that.

I like just lists and stuff.

I love scrolling with an ad that stalks you.

I like it when

you can't get rid of me.

Yeah, we're going to get rid of me.

Oh, now I'm bigger.

Oh, oh, now I'm gone.

But now

just hit the X.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Hold down with an arrow to take you to the article.

Oh, now you click me.

We're going to live Jasmine.

It's live Jasmine time.

Who's that?

Every time someone clicks on that, they must be like, we got him.

They're not like someone's interested.

They're like, got him.

Got him, idiot.

Fool.

Even though he left right away, that's money for us.

That's money.

That's

a penny.

You get enough of those guys.

Just like a sea of rats.

That's a sea of money.

That adds up.

I'm going to get these rats to create websites for me.

You understand, boys?

We're going to do it together, rat friends.

Christ.

They're all skeletons.

I'm talking to an army of skeletons.

J.H.

Morse, a young man formerly well-known in San Francisco, is leading a life which must be singularly independent and free from all annoyances and cares of ordinary existence.

I love this guy.

I'm this guy.

This is my friend.

I don't know.

You have a microphone in an ice bucket and ate Jack in the box yesterday.

Are you the same guy?

San Francisco seems to be the only...

It's the place you go where you're free from annoyances and you just do what you want.

You're eating the poppers.

You're putting the the microphone in the ice bucket, you're doing accents that are questionable.

This is life at the top, this is life at the top, living my dream.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna eat more poppers after this.

Okay, I don't know.

No one can tell me what to do until I go.

No, but I know, but it's like you're these are like acts of aggression towards who?

Your wife, myself, yourself.

Okay, you've declared war on yourself, and God.

This is a war on God.

Right.

Okay, now.

If you kill me, I'll kill myself.

You can't fire me.

I quit.

I don't know.

If you kill me, God, guess what?

Then you just have one more des de body.

Okay, no.

All right.

Dave, hurry.

Don't worry.

Dave, hurry.

Hey, you craze.

You crazy.

He has bought himself for the modest sum of $5,000 a small island in the Pacific Ocean.

Oh, fuck.

He has imported tither a population of South Sea Islanders.

Hey, this is bad.

This just took a really bad turn.

Hey, this was real bad.

This just took a really bad turn.

I'm not this guy.

I actually, can we go back and say I'm not this guy?

So you don't.

I thought you were

liable.

I'm the slaver.

I thought he was just someone who liked to chill.

Well, I think he still might be trying to chill, but by means that we should not agree with.

And you're now backing away.

There's a level chill there's a level of chill that I'm comfortable with here's a rule of thumb don't befriend an island like a guy who has an island steer clear there's no one who's ever bought an island who's ever done anything good with it no it's like you don't need it because you could live like in a you could have a big like vast area of land on another area of land yeah just buy a house somewhere yeah like the idea that you need an ocean moat is that's where you go i don't know he's up to stuff why do you need a navy Well, I just somewhere where authorities can't get us, right, Matt?

Come on over.

Yeah, yeah.

There's finally a place.

There's going to be a very special place where we're free and there is no one around us.

Imagine a place and they're surrounded by water, and all we can do all day is just fuck squirrels.

All the conch you can eat,

all the rocks you want to skip, and screams can't be heard.

Yes, not a scream.

I've also imported some islanders as helpers.

Yes.

And And

I can't make my dream happen alone.

Yeah.

That's a lot of work.

Come on.

A lot of work, turns out.

So I just took a population and now they're mine.

You're my best friend, Matt.

They lived on the other island right there, and I just moved them here.

You know what I mean?

And now I get both.

Yes.

They're on a different island, and they are, I mean, I would call it an island basement is where they're now residing.

And Matt, you're my best friend.

No, not.

And Matt, you're my number one buddy.

I thought you just liked to eat jalapeno poppers.

I love to eat poppers.

And by the way, men, more poppers for Matt and I.

Otherwise, you get the lava.

Matt, I love you.

We're not friends.

Matt's my best friend.

I don't know this man.

I don't know this meeting.

Share, and I we share the same ideals.

I just thought he wanted to start a podcast about chilling.

That's what I thought.

This is chilling.

No, but like normal.

Hey, Matt, you want to eat some human hand?

Come here, my boy.

Name one thing we don't agree on.

I sure can't.

Let's start a YouTube channel.

What are you doing, Matt?

Food challenges.

What tastes better?

Human hand or human foot?

I want to do this.

You're going to.

And you're going to have to.

Come on now, Matt.

Eat a little brain.

By the way, it really helps if you guys comment.

Hit that notification bell.

Helps us out a lot.

He has imported to there a population of South Sea Islanders and has set out a great quantity of coconut and banana trees.

He is absolute ruler and practically owns everything

and in animals.

I've got this one guy in the corner who owns a little bit of stuff.

So

one guy has a little plot of corn.

I'm letting him be.

This one guy that's like, this is my rock.

This is my rock.

All right, fine.

I let him sit.

My rock.

All right, fine.

That way I don't feel like a king, right?

I have one surf.

He's over there.

He owns his own thing.

It's his own rock.

He's good.

Good for you, Carl.

He's got an army of dead rats.

Yeah, he's fine.

He thinks he controls rats with strychnine.

I'm going to kill boss with rock someday.

I'm going to kill boss with rock.

We might have to get rid of Carl.

I want to have that poster in my house.

Just like one of those office motivational posters.

Just a picture of Rock.

I'm going to kill Boss with Rock.

Hey,

so Matt, we say you can hang up anything in your cubicle.

That one is a little problematic for Mr.

Schwartz.

He's kind of, he doesn't love that one.

Why?

No, just, you know, it's just like motivation.

It's motivation for work.

I don't know.

In the direction of hate, I don't know.

It feels a little.

Well, I'm a self-starter, you know, I like to let people know that, you know, just like, you know, every day is a new day.

You know, it's like I'm a grindset, mindset guy.

One day I'm going to kill boss.

See,

those are great mottos.

It's the last one where it's.

No, but the third one, it's just like, hey, one day I'll be the boss.

You know,

it's upsetting other workers.

Why does he have to get killed with the rock is kind of what we're wondering?

well no i it's not it's like stop thinking about it in terms of like oh no you know it's just a huge poster i know well i want people to know it's kind of my main my baseline mindset it's just like you know back in mesozoic era no no don't do mesozoic stuff well can we lose not matt can we lose some of the rock people

matt can we lose the head of the clan was they killed boss with rock well it's not really a clan though i mean this is we don't love the term

well it is exactly that's kind of our point and it shouldn't have you shouldn't have so many rocks on your desk that's kind of where

well i just i just like rocks like that's separate from this guys i'm not gonna i'm not gonna kill you with a rock we could all kill boss with rock together well we are your bosses so yeah i know but you're not you're not

the boss with that with which i will kill with the rock unless gareth you want to kill dave with a rock i actually am super into that yeah you want guys grab out the poster

i'll print you can have your own poster there's now there's a new rule for the office, and that's no rocks and no posters.

It's weird that you're making rules because we have the rocks.

Yeah, but I'll have anything.

Also, he's right.

I am right.

So

I think I'm right.

Well, I have rock.

I'm the one that's right.

Rock beats paper, bitch, and then I kill him.

What?

What?

And that's how rock, paper, scissors was invented.

And then what do you say in the blood diamond accent?

I say,

are you Chris?

Chris?

You get my baby boys for them.

Maybe I just go to them government, huh?

At least them government gonna pay me, huh?

It's so bad.

It's so upsetting.

It's just upsetting.

I bet the movie's over two hours.

It's so long.

It's so long.

I bet it's like two hours and 30 minutes.

But it's like two action-packed hours of the strangest South African accent you've ever heard.

Offensive, not done yet.

He's doing this in in between projects, so he doesn't have time to get it exactly right.

He's just going to do it like a weird thing.

Don't worry about what he's going to do.

It's not going to be white, and that's what matters.

We're still on this story, by the way.

Okay.

As his little kingdom is rich in guano, his purchase promises to be a profitable one.

Yeah, Bat Pooh.

But Bat Pooh used to actually be valuable.

Big money.

Oh, yeah, it was big money.

What do you do with it?

you get i think i from my understanding is is you uh you ship it to america and then they put it into little boxes and then you buy one and you can put it you cram it in someone's mouth

i i i'm gonna go ahead and say i don't believe that dave's no that's true it was called mouth guano for a while but they like any if you didn't agree with someone during a discussion you could take out your back guano and cram it in their mouth but didn't it have it had an actual purpose there was like that's a fertilizer i don't see how that's not a purpose what's yeah

that's a purpose?

Is that not a purpose?

No, you just describe the purpose to you, and you're just like, oh, but why do you use it?

I don't know.

Listen, maybe.

All right.

It's weird that you have headphones and you don't listen.

I think that it's getting aggressive, but you are right.

The point is taken.

But

are you saying alternative purposes, like secondary, tertiary purposes?

Yeah, no, well, you could do that with so many.

What makes it specific to some people would use it for fertilizer, but the main purpose was to stop arguments.

Okay.

All right.

Well, I wish we had a little now, honestly.

I feel like

it feels like I've been sort of cornered, and I'd love to pop a couple of guanos in a couple of traps, to be honest with you.

I got an easier idea.

Find a rundown.

I don't think.

Yeah.

Find a ruck.

No.

No.

Get a rock.

Get a rock.

Get a rock.

Get a rock.

It's like most musical episodes.

Get a rock.

Get it.

Get it.

I forgot I had a soundboard on

my

travel recorder.

I can't believe we're only finding this out at the very end.

We could have fucking.

Yeah, I could have been soundboarding this whole time.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, why don't we...

Why don't we...

Let's end with, Dave.

If you have a sound effect, a story where Matt can really bring this.

I haven't finished this one.

I know, but it's dead.

Are you sure?

I mean, what's going on.

Does it end up

in getting eaten by the rats?

Were there rats?

Well,

of course, there is nothing to prevent his returning to civilization at any time, but he seems to prefer to stay where he is.

And who shall say that Mr.

Morris is not one of the happiest men in the world today?

He's got slaves and shit.

Oh, man, I really thought you were still on article.

No.

Wait, wait,

slaves and shit.

But wait, but so I would like to know what happened with that island man.

That seems like something where a follow-up is incredible.

Do we have a name of the island?

Well, his name was Morse.

What is his name?

Morse.

Yeah.

What's his first name?

Morse, like code or Morris?

It doesn't say his first name.

But are you spelling it M-O-R-S-E or M-O-R-R?

It just says J-H.

It's M-O-R-S-E.

J-H.

Like the code.

Morse.

Island Man is what I think technical term.

I think it'sland man.

Island boy.

Island boy.

Is this the first island boy?

He's going to suck his brother off.

I forgot about those guys.

I don't see anything.

You think he's real?

I bet he's real, though.

Where is the island man?

Yeah, don't uh i don't know i don't see anything

you know maybe they deleted him for this is a really old newspaper people could just make shit up

that's true too we we actually i think we had one of those

where it was just like we were like as we got like halfway through we're like i don't did this really happen like yeah that man made a flute out of a huge tree and a wizard fell from it and they were like okay now they've like come on this is getting a little far-fetched.

This is page three.

Yeah.

Come on.

Do you have a sound effect last one, Dave?

Maybe?

I mean, we really should take advantage of it.

Okay.

Washing out the stomach.

The thing is, I didn't know what sound it was going to be.

It worked.

It worked.

That's right.

During the past year, several physicians in New York have tried, with a a gratifying success, a novel treatment for dyspepsia and cancer of the stomach by washing out that organ.

And they still do it to this day.

Well, you put a broom down this throat and you just kind of...

You let the bristles sweep out all of the cancer.

Yes.

Sweep the tum-tums.

It's called sweeping.

The process is very simple and not dangerous.

A long, flexible pipe is passed down the throat until one end is in the stomach.

Oh my god.

The upper end has a funnel attached to it.

No.

Into which hot water is poured until the stomach is filled.

Oh my fucking God.

What are they making?

Pate?

Oh my God.

Medicine back in the days was just like, just try shit, man.

Like, let's just go for it.

Oh, you got to be like, I was like, somebody was like, and then what?

And you were like, then you put a bunch of hot water inside.

Then we see.

I don't know.

Then we broth him from the inside out.

You probably did.

You've scalded all the inside parts.

Well, yeah, that's where you're just like.

What happened?

Well, he didn't make it.

But he's, there's no cancer.

There's no anything.

Yes.

I mean,

what was the other option?

Let him die?

Figure it out.

Remove it.

The pipe has an aperture big enough to hold a lead pencil.

After the stomach,

I don't know why they said that.

Just get a little lead involved.

Get a pencil in there.

Put a little lead in there.

Put a lead in there.

Tell us a little mercury inside.

I have a question.

Do you think we could write inside the stomach?

We're going to try.

We're going to do everything we can.

I'm going to sign my work.

Look at that.

There we are.

What did you sign?

It says

Dr.

Commander Zero.

Dr.

Commander Zero.

After the stomach has been filled, the funnel end of the pipe is turned down until it was lower than the bottom of the stomach, and the stomach is emptied as a barrel of any fluid is emptied through a siphon.

Oh my God.

So we flip them upside down.

Well, we're going to shake them a little bit too to make sure it gets nice and frustrated.

Just like anything else you fill up.

Yeah, you're going to shake it and then get some.

He's not doing great.

Get the monk, the muck and the gunk out of there, you know.

He's not doing great.

That was a liver.

That was organ.

Yeah.

Oh boy.

You think he needs

that?

Yeah, he needs some of that.

Yeah.

He doesn't need that.

He had a lot of bad in him.

Yeah.

The process, the process may be repeated several times.

There was no.

Hold on, Dave.

Once is not enough.

Okay.

You're probably thinking that's plenty.

Four or five times is what you got to go with.

Get it right.

There was no.

Oh, you still have cancer?

That's because you only did it once.

Yeah, you're still a gunky, my man.

Yeah, still got more gunk.

75, 100 times, I think.

There we go.

I just came back.

The cancer is spreading.

Well, what are you doing?

Well, you must be doing something between.

What are you doing?

Are you gunking at home?

Yeah, you're just putting random gunk in there, aren't you?

Are you eating cancer, boy?

That's our theory.

We have a new cure called waterboarding.

Here we are.

Here you go.

What is dead may never die.

Just half drown you.

The result is that the undigested food and mucus are washed out and the hot water closes the blood vessels and reduces inflammation.

A fucking unbelievable.

Oh, that's right.

Some of this is just for a tummy ache.

Yeah.

Well, your husband's no longer sick because he's no longer.

He's no longer anything, really.

He's no longer anything, to be honest with you.

I love the idea of using hot to reduce inflammation.

Hot to reduce inflammation.

It'd be like, now those blood vessels stop working.

Things are pretty good inside.

Yes.

The relief is immediate.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yes.

The relief from this mortal coil is immediate.

The relief from breathing.

No more pain.

No more anything.

No more nothing.

No more piles of laundry.

No more armies of dead rats you tried to control with Strychnine because you misread the label.

No more nothing.

No more.

That's it.

Just one more dead body.

The dyspeptic may have his stomach washed out before a meal so that he can take a fresh start on my face.

Now, guess who's hungry?

Are you ready for a steak?

Hey, coughing up my heart sure made me want pasta.

Welcome to Olive Garden.

We do it differently.

Yeah.

What's better than never-ending bread sticks?

Never-beginning bread sticks.

After the lapse of a sufficient time for ordinary digestion, the stomach may be washed out again.

This process has been in use at New York Hospital for some time.

And this is a scientific

American.

It's really good.

Scientific American wrote that.

It works.

Matt, do you have a sound effect to end that article?

Maybe?

Feels like we've done all our sound effects.

Oh.

It sounded like water, but it was applause.

It was applause, of course.

Well, Matt, thank you for joining us.

Where can people follow you?

We

are big fans of the videos that crush for you, which is where you are just either mocking the policies of our government or

you skewer very well.

Where can people follow you and all that?

You can follow me

over on Instagram at Matt Lieb Jokes or you can follow me on Twitter

or formally the X, the Everything app,

at Matt Lieb.

I'm still there.

I'm going to leave.

Oh, I forgot.

I have one more plug to do.

If you like me and my wife Francesca Fiorentini, then you're going love me and Francesca Fiorentini doing stand-up comedy.

We're gonna be co-headlining Cobbs in San Francisco on May 7th.

So please get your tickets now if you are in San Francisco or the San Francisco Bay Area and you want to see some comedy on a Wednesday, then come out to Cobbs Comedy Club over in North Beach in San Francisco.

It's gonna be super fun.

Yeah, get your tickets now.

You can find them on my social media or, you know, by Googling Matt Lieb, Francesca Fiorentini, Cobbs Comedy Club.

We'll see you May 7th.

And then I'm on Blue Sky

with, you know, hanging out with the Libs

at Matt Lieb.

You can find me there.

And yeah, listen to me.

I'm also on Blue Sky.

Listening to my podcast.

We're all on Blue Sky.

We love Blue Sky.

Don't look at it.

It's the last refuge,

the last place to go where there aren't just a bunch of fucking assholes.

Yeah.

It's awesome.

It's

It's nice to remember how good we had it with Jack Dorsey.

Insane Jack Dorsey.

Can't just have a co-op, can we?

No.

Well, thank you, Matt.

And

Dave, sorry to hear about your cancellation.

That's tough.

Some of these days,

you'll miss me, honey.

Some of these days.

Hey, Dollop fans.

I know you love the dollop.

You love listening to the dollop.

Do you want to watch the dollop?

You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about?

By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth.

Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes.

So if you want to go watch a five-parter animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, You can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of The Rube.

It really genuinely kicks ass, and we're very proud of it.

And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them.

We're already making a second one, so go there and watch The Rube.

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