118 - The Past Times with Matt Lieb

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Speaker 12 All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Speaker 12 Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

Speaker 12 I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, the great Matt Lieb.

Speaker 14 Hello, Matt. Thank you for joining us.

Speaker 13 I'm so excited to be here. I am.

Speaker 13 Well, yeah. Okay.
Yeah, I had to think for a second. I usually say it, but, you know, and I never really look to see if I actually am.
I am, I'm stoked. It's something to do today.

Speaker 13 Yeah, it is something to do today.

Speaker 14 Because you have a show tonight, but you have the comedian problem of just there's

Speaker 13 a whole day.

Speaker 14 Daytime is the tough time for the comedian.

Speaker 13 Yeah. It's like we keep vampire hours.

Speaker 15 Yeah, and the wife is at home with the kids. So you get to hear about how you're not there for the tough things that are happening.

Speaker 13 Yeah,

Speaker 13 she's texting me about how my child is growing up so fast.

Speaker 13 And I'm like, good. I hope she is 18 by the time I'm back and has her own apartment.
I'll make another with you.

Speaker 15 Yeah. They don't get their own apartment anymore at 18.

Speaker 13 That's 27.

Speaker 14 Matt, we just did an episode. Well, first of all, Matt, what can we promote of yours?

Speaker 14 You were bragging a lot before we started about how many podcasts you do.

Speaker 13 I have a lot of podcasts. You have

Speaker 13 Joe Rogan experience.

Speaker 14 No, no, Matt,

Speaker 14 your podcast.

Speaker 13 Oh,

Speaker 13 I was going to say I have a lot that I, in the rotation, the daily with Michael Barr.

Speaker 14 Oh, well, let's just stick to the ones that you, those are great ones, but let's just stick to the ones that you host.

Speaker 15 The ones you host. Yeah.

Speaker 14 The ones that people that you benefit directly from.

Speaker 13 Those don't do as well as the daily.

Speaker 13 I still think it's going to be helpful for you to promote those. I think that's the way to go.
So I do a podcast called The Joe Rogan Experience. No, no, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt.

Speaker 14 Because I don't think you do. I think that's Joe's show.
So what are what are the shows that you

Speaker 13 self-michael? I'm kind of on it. We're hanging out together.

Speaker 14 That's parasocial. That's para.
You're having a parasocial relationship with

Speaker 14 me.

Speaker 13 Because

Speaker 13 I know everything he's thinking because he says it out loud. And usually.
Well, this is actually...

Speaker 14 Maybe we should talk about this because this is actually taking some turns that I think could be helpful for you to get out. But let's do that after.

Speaker 14 What are the shows that you know, you do ads for your podcast. So the ones where you do ads.

Speaker 13 Oh, okay, okay.

Speaker 13 So I do a podcast.

Speaker 13 It's really funny to say Joe Rogan again, by the way.

Speaker 14 I can tell you're weighing whether or not to do it. And I think doing it was right, to be honest.

Speaker 13 I don't want to be judged. Okay, so I have a few.
One is called Bad Has Bar, the World's Most Moral Podcast. That is a podcast where me and my co-host Daniel Mate,

Speaker 13 two Jewish anti-Zionists, talk about funny Israeli propaganda.

Speaker 13 So you're not funny, I mean horrifying. What's that?

Speaker 13 So you're not Zionist. Right, I'm not a Zionist, so therefore I'm not Jewish.
Yes.

Speaker 13 Well, you know, I'm a Zionist on the wrong side. That's the thing.
It's so Zionist on your mother's side.

Speaker 13 And my other podcast is

Speaker 13 the wonderful rewatch, Mad Men Rewatch podcast called Pod Yourself a Gun. It's a Sopranos rewatch podcast, and then it became a The Wire rewatch podcast.
And now it's Mad Men. And we just had

Speaker 13 Dave's dad here, Gareth Reynolds, on the season one finale of

Speaker 14 and I'll tell you, the best intro song to a podcast possible.

Speaker 13 Yeah, it's true. It truly,

Speaker 13 if you,

Speaker 14 it's worth listening. It is.

Speaker 14 It's hard to pivot when you turn a Sopranos show into a show for other shows, but you've really found a way to make it seamless with the intro.

Speaker 13 So I would would encourage everyone to listen to that and then what's your third podcast it's a movie watch podcast yes so uh then the other podcast uh i do with uh emily fleming and jordan morris uh it is called free with ads and that's a podcast where we talk about free movies that we saw on the internet and so you know that's that's all those are all my jobs i have so many jobs so you're you're uh so you're in a uh a financial panic because you have a kid and you just keep starting podcasts.

Speaker 13 Yeah, if you start enough of them, it's like it's like lotto scratchers. One of them will eventually be the Joe Rogan experience.

Speaker 13 Now, careful, careful.

Speaker 14 We're doing it again, so be careful.

Speaker 13 I don't want to see Dippin'. Nope.

Speaker 13 I don't think that was you.

Speaker 14 Um, now, Matt, real quick, we just had your lovely wife on an episode. Man,

Speaker 13 nope, and uh, nope.

Speaker 14 And uh, you're uh, we uh, we decided to wed, uh, try to newly wed game her and you a little bit.

Speaker 13 Oh, I love it.

Speaker 14 Now, if we were to ask her what your favorite movie is,

Speaker 14 what would you say is your favorite movie? And we'll tell you if she got it right or not.

Speaker 13 The Aviator, Martin Scorsese,

Speaker 13 is a movie about Howard Hughes, The Aviator. Now,

Speaker 13 she did not say that. No.

Speaker 13 No.

Speaker 13 What would she say my favorite movie is?

Speaker 13 Ooh, what would she say? She'd say, like, I don't know,

Speaker 13 she'd be like, the godfather or something stupid.

Speaker 13 It's exactly what she said. That's exactly what she said.

Speaker 14 She said it would be Scorsese,

Speaker 14 and then she couldn't really pin it down. So she said the godfather one or two.

Speaker 15 It's very, to quote, she said some Scorsese bullshit.

Speaker 13 Yes, that's what she said.

Speaker 14 Okay, and then we asked her

Speaker 14 what your last meal would be in the way that we were thinking death row meal, but she took it as the last thing you'd eaten. So that's your setup.

Speaker 15 Okay.

Speaker 15 And it's, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 13 She would assume that the last thing I had eaten was

Speaker 13 pizza hamburger, you know, or like,

Speaker 10 you know,

Speaker 13 nacho ramen cheese.

Speaker 14 She's pretty pretty good. She said it would be tacos and jalapeno poppers for Jacket from Jack.

Speaker 13 She knows.

Speaker 13 Oh, my God.

Speaker 13 She's worried about your hard movie.

Speaker 14 Her favorite movie, what would you say is her favorite movie?

Speaker 13 Oh,

Speaker 13 some Spanish language bullshit. No,

Speaker 13 maybe

Speaker 13 it is.

Speaker 13 What is her favorite movie?

Speaker 15 Oh, this is not good.

Speaker 15 This is classic.

Speaker 13 She did great.

Speaker 13 She doesn't like movies, is the thing.

Speaker 13 Her favorite movie

Speaker 13 is it, is it that the one, uh, god, what is it? It's like an Asian one.

Speaker 13 Um, it's it's it's about uh like uh Chinese spots.

Speaker 15 Yeah, Godzilla. Are you thinking of a Godzilla?

Speaker 13 No, no, no. Chinese.

Speaker 14 Do you want it? You're very close. Do you want to

Speaker 13 it's called like wake, wake, wake, wake up.

Speaker 13 What the fuck is it called? Like

Speaker 13 wake.

Speaker 14 You're right there.

Speaker 14 The breakfast club.

Speaker 15 Yeah, it's the breakfast club.

Speaker 13 You're right there. That was my next, that was going to be my next guest, breakfast club.
I believe that.

Speaker 14 Which led us to ask her what she has for breakfast. What would you say she has for breakfast? That was our question to her.

Speaker 13 She has

Speaker 13 whatever Karina's eating for breakfast. Maybe,

Speaker 13 you know,

Speaker 13 she likes eggs, so she'll have an eggy.

Speaker 13 She sometimes she has yogurt, sometimes

Speaker 13 for brekki uh

Speaker 13 oh god um i first of all i love my wife my wife i love my wife uh and her this is what what what did she just have for breakfast is that the question you were to say her break yeah go ahead yeah

Speaker 14 oh man and what does she call it

Speaker 13 uh she calls it brekkie

Speaker 13 okay

Speaker 13 she had uh She makes a smoothie.

Speaker 14 And would you like to guess what she calls her smoothie?

Speaker 13 Poonie. That's right.
Pooney. Okay, and we're off.

Speaker 14 Uh, by the way, I think you are on the Joe Rogan experience, and you did great.

Speaker 13 I'm sorry,

Speaker 13 you're okay, you're okay. It's a good thing your bike's in an ice bucket.

Speaker 14 You might need to cool that down a little bit.

Speaker 15 Yeah, all right, let's uh let's start recording.

Speaker 14 Hold you, all right, let's start the show.

Speaker 13 One, two, three,

Speaker 13 action.

Speaker 14 Um, okay, Matt, we're gonna do a podcast now.

Speaker 13 This whole thing has been the, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 14 Uh, and if you're lucky, you could be a part of this one forever, too. So, I know you wanted to add a fourth, okay.

Speaker 14 Um, dave has a paper what year do you think it's from matt you get first crack it could be any year that's true um

Speaker 13 okay so it has to be after a point at which there is the printing press correct correct i'm gonna say it's from 19

Speaker 13 nice this is good 92.

Speaker 13 Wow, that is wild. That's a wild guess, bro.
I just kind of went for it.

Speaker 13 That's a wild guess. Because it's probably from like 1915, but you know, because those are that's a better guess, but it could happen.

Speaker 14 I'm going to go with

Speaker 14 1899.

Speaker 15 Matt, so close. It is 1891.

Speaker 13 Fuck, I almost got it. You almost did.
You were one year off, basically. So close.

Speaker 13 So close. Yeah.
Yeah. Super close.
Way.

Speaker 15 Gareth was like, I mean, close.

Speaker 13 Why even know what he was thinking? Super close. I can hear you.
Can you guys hear me?

Speaker 13 Where'd Gareth go?

Speaker 15 This is

Speaker 14 ever do that when you were a kid to your friends. You'd like to pretend they were gone.
You'd be like, Where's Jamie? And they'd be like, I'm here.

Speaker 13 You'd be like, get this little bastard.

Speaker 15 Yeah, that's really.

Speaker 14 Did you ever kill your friend? Go ahead, Dave.

Speaker 13 I never did any of this. Oh, go ahead, Dave.

Speaker 15 This is March 12th, 1891.

Speaker 15 The Wiser or Weiser? It's probably Wiser. Idaho semi-weekly signal.

Speaker 13 Cool.

Speaker 13 Semi-weekly.

Speaker 13 Semi-weekly.

Speaker 13 Not a daily.

Speaker 14 Nope.

Speaker 13 Not a daily. They're just.
Southern times.

Speaker 14 But also not.

Speaker 14 But are we sure it's coming out every week?

Speaker 13 Sounds

Speaker 13 a couple of times.

Speaker 15 It's not the same as bi-weekly could be

Speaker 15 twice a week or every other week.

Speaker 13 Semi-weekly.

Speaker 14 Semi-weekly feels like how you define a relationship with someone you won't commit to.

Speaker 14 I see your semi-weekly.

Speaker 13 Semi-weekly is like how I describe when people are going to get bonus Patreon episodes. You know, it's just like...
That's what I mean.

Speaker 13 Sometimes.

Speaker 13 Sometimes. It's worth it because sometimes we do.
Trust the process. Trust the process.

Speaker 13 Give me the money first.

Speaker 14 Yeah, give me the money, and then you get your stuff.

Speaker 13 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 14 Leave the money in a bag, then I'll riff on a movie for you.

Speaker 13 Exactly. Are you crazed? You get full first of pay-me-fodan.

Speaker 13 Have you guys seen Blood Diamond?

Speaker 15 No, but that got really racist.

Speaker 13 No, no, that is an impression of Leonardo DiCaprio doing a South African.

Speaker 14 You got to start with that before you launch in.

Speaker 13 The next time you do it, the setup's huge for that one.

Speaker 14 The setup, the context is big for that impression.

Speaker 13 Well, listen, I kind of just naturally assume everyone's seen Blood Diamond.

Speaker 14 I think that's where you're.

Speaker 15 Well, yeah, there's your problem.

Speaker 13 There's your problem. It was a fan.
It had Jennifer Connolly in it and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Speaker 14 You're backtracking in a great way.

Speaker 13 Are you, Chris? You get faux pay me plus fau dam.

Speaker 15 Okay, but you sound like you're doing a really bad Asian.

Speaker 13 He's doing

Speaker 13 an accent to Commander Zero,

Speaker 13 who is an African and he's a white South African. Yeah.
So he's kind of, it's actually him being racist.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 14 Okay. Are you guys listening? I am dying to.

Speaker 13 Maybe I just go to them go men, huh?

Speaker 16 At least them go men gonna pay me, huh?

Speaker 13 You gotta see it.

Speaker 14 I really do think we gotta see it.

Speaker 13 I just don't remember. I have not seen it.
Why is no one looking at the camera anymore? No one's looking at me. Everyone's looking at me.
Well,

Speaker 14 I'm trying to find it.

Speaker 13 You're trying to find the scene with Commander Zero. Look what I'm saying.

Speaker 14 Well, I'm just trying to find some of it because I really want to hear.

Speaker 13 All right, just fast forward a little bit.

Speaker 15 Is that the scene?

Speaker 13 Yeah, keep fast forwarding. I'll tell you when you're in the right area.

Speaker 13 You idiot.

Speaker 13 You're an idiot. You did this.
I'll just do it for you. No, no, no.

Speaker 14 You get something for me? Yusuf, get something for me, huh?

Speaker 14 You bring the plan first.

Speaker 15 Are you Chris?

Speaker 14 You get for pay me first for them.

Speaker 13 See,

Speaker 13 that was fun.

Speaker 15 I really gotta say, if someone was like, Hey, do you want to take this role?

Speaker 13 I'd be like, No, no, I don't think so.

Speaker 14 It's it's a

Speaker 14 here.

Speaker 14 The accent is hilariously horrible. Yeah, still, the funniest part remains Matt leaping in, being like, and then the boys will know the blood diamond reference

Speaker 14 because we all have seen it because we've all seen it a bunch and know that scene from the movie.

Speaker 13 You know, Commander Zero scene.

Speaker 15 I feel like 50% of man's life is him stopping and going, have you guys not seen Blood Zero?

Speaker 13 Yeah. Every first time.

Speaker 13 Yeah. I turned it into the middle.

Speaker 13 Have you guys not seen it? Dad's.

Speaker 13 I'm my fucking dad now, just going around going, did you ever flashy thing me? Men in black.

Speaker 13 I literally think I pulled something. You did.

Speaker 14 From laughing at the flashy thingy from Men in Black.

Speaker 14 All right, Dave, here we go.

Speaker 13 All right, here we go.

Speaker 15 This is like near Boise, this paper.

Speaker 14 Sure. I live there for a year.

Speaker 15 The cars killed three. So this is just a list of stuff.
It's one of those.

Speaker 15 It's not a story.

Speaker 13 It's just a list of tiny.

Speaker 15 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 15 The cars killed three head of horses Tuesday above town. Two of them belonged to Ed Barton.

Speaker 14 So the car killed three horses.

Speaker 13 The cars killed three. Three horses.

Speaker 13 Read it again.

Speaker 15 The cars were here. The cars were here.
Read it slower.

Speaker 13 Can you read it together?

Speaker 15 The cars killed.

Speaker 13 I'm sorry. It starts out the cars.
Yes, the cars. The bands.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 13 Oh, am I wrong?

Speaker 13 Yeah, the band. The cars.
Yeah, okay.

Speaker 15 People don't know that.

Speaker 15 Whenever the cars were touring, they would just kill horses.

Speaker 13 Oh, yeah. Often.

Speaker 14 yeah well yeah how confusing if their like bus got into an accident with a bunch of cars the cars hit a lot of cars the other day in what's being called a total car wreck for cars the cars and the cars show is postponed

Speaker 15 the cars killed three head of horses tuesday above

Speaker 15 three head of horses that's right two of them belonged to ed barton So they just, it just killed horses. You don't have to say a head of horse.
It's the horse. It's a horse.

Speaker 13 Well, maybe it just killed the head. Maybe the rest of the horse is okay she'll still ride but uh she ain't gonna ride like she did

Speaker 13 you're gonna want to jack a little wheel up top on her yeah yeah you're gonna have to uh basically uh move her neck to where whether she goes left or right or up or down the neck is not a steering apparatus she's still crap and you can still spur

Speaker 13 you're gonna have to get some friends to move the legs too but i feel like i should just replace it no no you did she'll ride for a little while London. She's fine.
She's going to a mechanic.

Speaker 14 She'll go to a horse guy.

Speaker 14 What you got to do? Put a goat head on the body.

Speaker 13 It'll look funny, but it'll play. It'll play.
She'll play.

Speaker 13 And she'll eat all your trash when you're done.

Speaker 14 She eats your trash. She don't poop.

Speaker 13 This will be fine.

Speaker 14 And don't worry, Mr. Barton.
We got you.

Speaker 15 Fordyce, a sheep buyer, and Ormsby, another sheep buyer, are in the county buying mutton on foot for the summer's drive.

Speaker 13 It's weird. This listicle, I'm spacing out a little bit while you're talking because it just sounds like...

Speaker 13 You guys ever listen to Prairie Home Companion?

Speaker 13 I know what you're talking about. You know, like that guy, Garrison Keillor, you would just start talking about stuff.
And I was just like,

Speaker 13 shut up.

Speaker 14 Yeah, you had to pretend to get it.

Speaker 13 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 13 Can you read that again?

Speaker 14 I definitely think it deserves a reread.

Speaker 15 Fordyce, a sheep buyer, and Ormsby, another sheep buyer, are in the county buying mutton on foot for the summer's drive.

Speaker 14 Okay, so they're sheep buyers and they're buying lamb, probably

Speaker 14 jerk eat lamb or I mean, it's hard to keep, so maybe.

Speaker 15 Are they buying it for themselves to eat because they're

Speaker 14 Yes.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 14 I think they're buying it for themselves because they're eating.

Speaker 15 Mutton is meat from sheep. Yeah.
So it's from sheep.

Speaker 13 Yeah. And they have sheep with them.

Speaker 15 Yeah, they could just kill and eat a sheep.

Speaker 13 Maybe they're just showing the sheep what could happen if they don't behave.

Speaker 14 Yeah, I still think a killing in front of them would be better, but potentially.

Speaker 14 It's strange to be like knee-deep in sheep and then be like, you know what, hit the spot for the drive, a little bit of sheep.

Speaker 13 Why do you think i became a shepherd i just love sheep

Speaker 14 i'm so attached to my flock though

Speaker 13 no they're friends not food but i do i do eat i will buy it i will buy it

Speaker 13 okay

Speaker 13 all right uh

Speaker 15 mr johnson the millwright of the weezer rolling mills roller mills has got up to Boise with a quantity of flour, which he will introduce to the people of that place.

Speaker 13 They don't get flour?

Speaker 15 One trial, we think, will be sufficient to prove its worth to them. Wow.
So, this is like, I mean, it's like, it's like cocaine. It's like fire.

Speaker 15 You see the drug deal on a movie and they're like, cut it. Let me taste it.
Let me, yeah, that's good.

Speaker 13 This article is flour. It's full.
It's just snitching. Like, is this like this is just looking out and going, here's what's going on in town.

Speaker 14 You know what I mean? Yeah, it is a bit, it's a bit gossiped.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 14 But I do like the idea idea of coming to town with flour for the first time and people being like, I don't know. Isn't that that big city powder?

Speaker 14 Someone's like, this is great.

Speaker 15 I'm not sure this will make bread.

Speaker 14 I don't know.

Speaker 13 That's impossible.

Speaker 14 That's that stuff Diana's boy got hooked on, and now he doesn't come home anymore.

Speaker 13 Because he's so big. He's so big.

Speaker 14 And she's petting a goat-headed horse.

Speaker 13 Quiet, Sebastian.

Speaker 13 Quiet, quiet.

Speaker 14 You know, he started to be able to say, kill me, but I won't.

Speaker 13 Kill, kill me.

Speaker 14 This not a life. This not a life.
By the way, that's from Blood Diamond.

Speaker 13 Oh, I love that movie. Yeah, it's great.

Speaker 15 That's a great movie.

Speaker 13 Have you seen? So good.

Speaker 15 Have you heard the.

Speaker 15 Like, I thought when I first saw him, I was like, that guy's from South Africa.

Speaker 13 But no, Leonardo.

Speaker 14 It is awesome when an actor misses on an accent and has to do it for the whole.

Speaker 13 It's awesome. Yeah.

Speaker 14 Like Brad Pitt being like in the devil's whatever,

Speaker 14 the son of the devil or whatever the fuck it's called.

Speaker 13 Oh my god.

Speaker 15 Gangs of New York, Cameron Diaz.

Speaker 14 But that's like when you're a big star like that, like the director's like, that's great.

Speaker 14 Are you done on your prep? Where are you in the prep? You are done.

Speaker 13 Yeah, I thought you were done. It's awesome.
It's really good. That's

Speaker 13 just say action. I'm just going to wing it.
Oh, it's me, Cameron Diaz. Great.

Speaker 13 i'm here in in old new york town great and i'm going to fall in love with leonard cabrio all right cut hey i can't uh cut her bring the dialect coach over here i'm gonna stab him

Speaker 15 uh indian valley inklings Mr. Editor, I will take the liberty of giving you a few topics of the week.

Speaker 13 Wow, this is a

Speaker 15 just a guy riding in with the news. He's like, all right.

Speaker 13 And then it made it. I'm going to help out the paper.

Speaker 14 And the editor was like, cool, we need this.

Speaker 13 Well, yeah, content. Well, they're all content.

Speaker 13 Yeah, right. Yeah.

Speaker 13 All of our

Speaker 13 writers died of consumption.

Speaker 15 The snow has been going fast for the day, the past day, few days. Sorry, I'll read that again.

Speaker 15 The snow has been going fast for the past few days, and horsemen will soon be able to turn their stock on the hills. Some even having already turned out.

Speaker 13 Good.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 13 Good. I'm glad to know.
I'm glad to know.

Speaker 14 Finally, that's closed. We closed that loop.

Speaker 13 I was worried for a second. Oh, yeah.
Freaking. Wouldn't be able to do that thing you said.

Speaker 14 Yeah, no, the full, the end of that is exactly what I wanted to hear because before that, seemed pretty problematic, but then

Speaker 13 what are those horsemen going to do? Because the snow's going so fast.

Speaker 13 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's super, super quick.
Don't go that fast, snow. Slow down.

Speaker 13 If you want it to or whatever's good for the

Speaker 14 we don't want it to, yeah.

Speaker 13 So you think this is how people read papers back then? They just went, uh-huh.

Speaker 13 Yeah, I know what that means.

Speaker 13 Well, I fathomed that language properly.

Speaker 15 There's more. There's more to this.

Speaker 15 James Morrison of Council has driven his band of horses to George Patterson's to feed.

Speaker 13 Band of horses, good, another good band of horses.

Speaker 15 That guy took his horses to a neighbor's house to eat.

Speaker 13 So that's a big deal. That's what's happening.
And

Speaker 14 this is reader-submitted headlines?

Speaker 15 Yes, if you can believe it.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 13 Well, they're not headlines.

Speaker 15 It's just reader-submitted information.

Speaker 13 Right.

Speaker 13 To be fair,

Speaker 13 it's not like they said it was writer-submitted.

Speaker 13 Right.

Speaker 14 This is just some guy who's like, I got pitches.

Speaker 14 Chris Fitz has a new post.

Speaker 15 I've been reading your news and I think it's bad.

Speaker 13 Butterfly scene.

Speaker 15 Here's a little something from me. Hay is plenty here and is selling for $5 a ton.

Speaker 13 Bam. That's news.

Speaker 14 That is actually probably the most helpful part.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 14 Because back then you're like, that's huge.

Speaker 15 The dance given by the Farmers Alliance in this valley was well attended and was a success.

Speaker 13 This is just such a says the guy who threw the fucking dance. Yeah.

Speaker 13 You had $1,000.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 13 My event, my birthday party was super well attended, and everyone was there. Whoever was there.
It was awesome.

Speaker 13 The whole town was there. And we laughed in merriment.

Speaker 14 It's still happening, actually.

Speaker 14 I'm writing from the dance floor.

Speaker 13 I'm having fun.

Speaker 14 I got a blowjob.

Speaker 13 All right. What? What?

Speaker 13 That's right.

Speaker 14 I'm another fella. I got my dick sucked in the barn by Ken.

Speaker 13 You hear that, Georgia? Zach's wife.

Speaker 14 Are you listening, Georgia?

Speaker 13 We had a party and I had the most fun.

Speaker 14 Ken and I got hammered on for a minute, siren, and we sucked my cock at my birthday dance.

Speaker 13 We did a new thing. It's called space talking.
Both of our penises went inside of each other's penises. All right, all right, all right.
Randall, Randall, Randall, Randall. No, stop.
No, no.

Speaker 13 I bought a right. Let it

Speaker 14 go. Let it go.
Let it go.

Speaker 13 Come on. Oh, I hate my ex-wife.

Speaker 14 I know, I know, but I don't think you're getting her the way you think.

Speaker 13 She reads this paper. I know, but space dock.
I know, I paid for the subscription. All right.
Randall, Randall, Randall. But 13 years ago, Randall, Randall, Randall.

Speaker 14 Space. I don't know if they're going to.

Speaker 14 Space dock, I don't know if that's going to make it.

Speaker 13 It'll make her the most mad. That's why I wrote it.
Okay.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 15 Yeah, but

Speaker 15 I think what we're trying to say is that there is no space. There is no, no one understands a space dock because that's not something that we have in 1891.

Speaker 13 It's an idea that I had. What if there was a thing called space?

Speaker 14 This is interesting.

Speaker 13 And then, okay. This is how the telescope got invented?

Speaker 13 I don't know.

Speaker 14 Also, and there's an asterisk: how do you get your dick out of another guy's dick?

Speaker 15 Your honor, I'm stuck in Kenny, but

Speaker 13 not my fault.

Speaker 14 Yeah, it's a Fairleigh Brothers movie. Stuck in Kenny.

Speaker 13 Okay, there's more.

Speaker 15 The spring fights fights has begun, and one old mossback has a boy aged 17 who can whip any old man in Washington County between the ages of 60 and 90.

Speaker 14 It's like when Andy Kaufman would like to wrestle women.

Speaker 14 I'll fight anyone between the ages of 60 and 90. In 1891, a 90-year-old man is a corpse.

Speaker 13 Where do you find 90? I'll let me stop that 90 because at 91, they get a second wind and they get really strong.

Speaker 14 I won't find a 92-year-old who becomes sad.

Speaker 14 I mean, by the way, I'm putting that offer out there. I will fight any 90-year-old.

Speaker 14 I'm in.

Speaker 14 I'm going to start a YouTube, which is just me fighting 90-year-old men.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 13 Just beating the shit out of a dying man.

Speaker 13 Got any money, piece of crap?

Speaker 14 You're gassed at the end. I mean, he would put up a hell.
He was a lot tougher than he looked.

Speaker 13 Yeah, it's actually really hard. It's hard to just punch anything, even an object that doesn't move.
So I'm pretty winded right now.

Speaker 14 The hardest part is feeling comfortable taking his life.

Speaker 15 I'll put my fist through any old man's chest.

Speaker 14 The fight is really inside myself being cool with what has been determined as manslaughter.

Speaker 15 He has got $3 wagered on it, so come forward, old man, and show your colors.

Speaker 14 That is crazy.

Speaker 15 That is really crazy.

Speaker 14 That is crazy.

Speaker 13 This is a setup, though. It's got to be.
This person's got, like, there's a ringer in there. He's like, I got $3 on it.
Everyone's voting for him. He's going to take a dive.

Speaker 13 And he and a 90-year-old are going to split the money.

Speaker 14 That's not a bad idea.

Speaker 13 I have lots of good ideas.

Speaker 14 But the 90-year-old is going to be like, I forgot why we're here.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 13 What is this?

Speaker 15 The saddest thing about all this is that in three weeks, this is going to to be a new Matt podcast.

Speaker 13 I know. I know.

Speaker 14 Well, hurry up before Dana White turns it into

Speaker 13 a Turner broadcast event.

Speaker 15 If a few lines find a place in the signal, I may come again soon.

Speaker 13 Buck A. Rue.

Speaker 14 How many 91-year-olds were there?

Speaker 15 That couldn't have been a lot. But

Speaker 14 60, there's a range. Yeah, there's one guy.

Speaker 13 Yeah, he's talking about one guy for sure.

Speaker 13 And that's the guy he's going to split the money with.

Speaker 15 I mean, the crazy thing is.

Speaker 14 He's hanging in there with it.

Speaker 15 The crazy thing is that the guy who signed the letter Buck A. Rue, and you guys just ignored that.

Speaker 13 No, that was a good pun. I heard it and I went, oh, he's having fun.

Speaker 15 Yeah, he's having fun.

Speaker 13 I want to laugh at it, but he did make his career beating up old men.

Speaker 13 Fighting. I feel like he's a bad.

Speaker 14 You don't know if he wins.

Speaker 14 How embarrassing is that? Where you're like, he was pretty good.

Speaker 13 That guy hung in there.

Speaker 14 I could see why he got to be so old.

Speaker 13 That guy's a fighter. I could see why he survived for so long.

Speaker 14 Honestly, I could see why that guy just won't die.

Speaker 15 What are you doing down there with your arms?

Speaker 14 My sock,

Speaker 14 holiday-themed. I can't tell if it's, you know, when the sock lines aren't the right way up and everything goes wrong?

Speaker 14 The sock line felt like it wasn't right, but I'm determining that it was right.

Speaker 13 Oh, shit. It was you who was wrong.

Speaker 14 I was wrong.

Speaker 15 Now, are you just have you just not been doing laundry?

Speaker 14 I like to wear the holiday-themed socks deep into February.

Speaker 15 You do?

Speaker 14 Yeah, and they don't wash them.

Speaker 14 I don't wash them. I don't wash them till Santa comes.
And he hasn't which comes

Speaker 13 like sex combs.

Speaker 15 Yeah, back. Yeah, what he said.

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Speaker 13 You're lost. You'll get it.

Speaker 15 Our old friend, Jap Thomason, is still on the matrimonial market. Jap says he expects he will have to stay there too, but he will live in hopes.

Speaker 14 That's a pretty sad little story there.

Speaker 13 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 14 An unfuckable guy who believes it won't happen.

Speaker 13 That is,

Speaker 13 it's like, well, it's his fourth broken-off engagement, and time to hit the newspaper.

Speaker 13 Oh, Jeff,

Speaker 13 it happened to me again. Old Jap is single, but ready to mingle.

Speaker 14 I'm ready, just so everyone knows. Nothing's changed over here for old Jeff.

Speaker 13 Same old guy.

Speaker 14 Looking to bang, but nothing's happening.

Speaker 15 Well, Jap killed another one. I'm still on the market.

Speaker 14 Well, another one fell down the stairs.

Speaker 13 I just hate commitment.

Speaker 15 We received a charming, delightful, and soul-inspiring communication this week, which does not appear for the sad, agonizing, and heart-rendering reason that there was no name attached and we had no way of telling who it was from.

Speaker 14 What just happened? Well, why don't we get it?

Speaker 13 Start from the beginning.

Speaker 15 That is the beginning.

Speaker 13 Do it again.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 15 We received a charming, delightful, and soul-inspiring.

Speaker 15 Excuse me. I have

Speaker 13 cove cove covets

Speaker 15 we received a charming delightful and soul inspiring communication this week which does not appear for the sad agonizing and heart-rendering reason that there was no name attached and we had no way of telling who it was from now I would like to printable that the last thing the last thing I read was signed a friend and the other one was Buck A Rue

Speaker 13 Good point so

Speaker 14 but this but and this headline or whatever we call it is really just, we were going to print something pretty dark, but they didn't sign it.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 13 Okay. Interesting.

Speaker 15 We will gladly publish anything of public interest when we know the name of the writer. We will not give your name to the public, but we must have it ourselves.

Speaker 14 Does this need to be done publicly in the paper?

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 13 I mean, I guess. That's a fucking headline.

Speaker 13 And for

Speaker 13 possibly be. Yeah.

Speaker 15 What is so sad?

Speaker 13 The sun came up today, and it's looking to go down this evening.

Speaker 13 Well, who wrote it?

Speaker 13 Who wrote it?

Speaker 13 My boy passed away.

Speaker 13 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 15 Minnesota has taken a step for reform in the jury system by inserting a clause in the Constitution providing that in civil cases, the agreement of 10 out of 12 jurors shall be sufficient.

Speaker 13 Oh, that's sick. Oh, so sick.
I kind of like that.

Speaker 15 Do you like that?

Speaker 13 Yeah, for civil cases.

Speaker 15 For civil cases, that makes sense to me.

Speaker 13 Okay. Not for criminal cases.
No, criminal cases, you need to get all 12. But I like civil cases where just like, nah, the majority think you owe them money.
I agree. I don't give them no money.

Speaker 13 You know what I mean? It's money. It's not, you know, life.
That's great. Yeah.
That's just a, you know what? That's just a great news story. I learned a lot there.
I did too.

Speaker 13 We're not done with that.

Speaker 14 What you learning, I learned through you on that one. What I want.

Speaker 15 We're still going. We're not done with it.
There's more story.

Speaker 14 It's a good one thing, that one's over.

Speaker 15 In one respect, this step is wise, as it necessitates the corruption of three jurors instead of one to bring about a disagreement.

Speaker 13 But

Speaker 15 in respect to the weight of a verdict rendered, it is rather a detraction that some reform of the jury system is desirable cannot be doubted.

Speaker 15 So they disagree with you.

Speaker 13 What do they know? They're fucking dead. Yeah.
Yeah,

Speaker 13 they're all old and fuck them.

Speaker 14 Goodbye.

Speaker 13 Those idiots don't have a single podcast.

Speaker 14 Well, yeah, that's very true.

Speaker 13 They don't have one.

Speaker 14 How many podcasts did that whole jury have? Oh, none? No.

Speaker 13 Oh, interesting.

Speaker 13 Oh, interesting.

Speaker 14 The Mac finds you not relevant.

Speaker 13 So. Bang my gavel.
My gavel is my microphone.

Speaker 14 He's fucking. You can see the art.

Speaker 13 And it's bad. It's so terrible.

Speaker 14 It's you with a gavel, and you're like, ah.

Speaker 13 Do they actually do it? It's just too loud.

Speaker 13 Everyone heard the ice bucket on that one.

Speaker 14 I was going to say, when you got a road set up, you got to be careful with your mic jokes.

Speaker 13 That's right. Yeah.
It's the only mic I have. Yeah.
Oh.

Speaker 15 If a clerk in a drugstore puts up poison in place of some simple specific,

Speaker 15 the proprietor has to face the music.

Speaker 13 Wait, what?

Speaker 14 If he puts a poison up in

Speaker 13 the drug. So you can't serve poison? So this is a different era.

Speaker 15 He's saying if you serve poison, you've got to... It's your fault.
I mean, yeah, you have to face the it's a crime. You got to face the music.

Speaker 13 Seems fair. I'm glad.

Speaker 15 So this is when that was decided, huh? Yeah.

Speaker 13 Seems fair to an extent.

Speaker 15 This is the artist.

Speaker 13 Who made the poison?

Speaker 13 But this is probably when the pharmacist made the poison.

Speaker 13 Right? This is small pharma. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Small pharma.

Speaker 13 This is when the pharmacist. Mr.
Walgreen was like, well, I didn't put the poison into the jar.

Speaker 13 Imagine the time of Walgreen. One Walgreen.

Speaker 14 Mr. Walgreens, what's your plan? Well,

Speaker 14 you know, CVS, what if it was shittier?

Speaker 14 Like, we're out of everything.

Speaker 13 But you can steal a little.

Speaker 14 But stealing is way easier.

Speaker 14 Imagine a security guard who refuses to enforce anything.

Speaker 14 Like a guy walks out with a bunch of mouthwash in his arms and just leaves. That's my dream.
Paul Walgreen, come to bed, you old dreamer.

Speaker 13 Someday.

Speaker 15 It's a store, but everything is locked up, but you can see the stuff. You just can't get it.

Speaker 14 There'll be enough

Speaker 14 checkouts, but one person working.

Speaker 13 Paul, come to bed.

Speaker 13 I've got so many ideas. Like,

Speaker 13 we'll put all of the food in areas where you can get it, but the deodorant is going to be behind a glass wall.

Speaker 13 But you're a pharmacy, Paul. No, but we're expanding.

Speaker 14 We'll serve Milano cookies, but there'll also be a squirt gun section for kids.

Speaker 13 Paul, what are you talking about? Wrapping paper and cars. And one-hour photo and Christmas lights, something.

Speaker 14 And by God, there'll be a man serving ice cream.

Speaker 14 Oh, you've gone too far.

Speaker 15 And right there, when you're standing there getting the ice cream, there'll be a little tiny tree of toenail clippings.

Speaker 14 And the same man who does the photo will work the ice cream.

Speaker 14 Paul! And he won't be trained in both.

Speaker 13 He'll also run the register.

Speaker 14 Paul, he'll be able to give you a snapple if you want and cigarettes.

Speaker 15 You have to close down the register if someone wants something for the bunions in back.

Speaker 14 If someone needs batteries, the whole whole system will collapse upon itself.

Speaker 13 And yes, sometimes the medicine will be poison.

Speaker 13 That's

Speaker 13 fine.

Speaker 13 They will pay.

Speaker 14 And I'll have one in every city, you'll see.

Speaker 13 Like a reverse golden ticket.

Speaker 13 One lucky boy or girl.

Speaker 14 One lucky boy won't go in.

Speaker 13 That's my dream. Four go into Walgreens, two come out.

Speaker 14 And there won't be a wall, and if there is, it'll be white.

Speaker 15 Imagine how aghast a court would be if it were admitted that the clerk put up the poison willfully and knowingly, but if he and his employer were to ask that they might go suit-free because he had received instructions never to sell morphine for quinine or give packets of strychnine to any children who might call for it.

Speaker 13 Jesus Christ. Only adults get strychnine.

Speaker 13 Imagine what?

Speaker 14 Having to make a rule. That's like one of those rules where you're like, why is that? All right.

Speaker 13 No strychnine to kids, no matter where, how they're asking. I didn't think I'd have to write it down, but I'm writing it down.

Speaker 14 You know, like if you're in a hotel and it's like, no pool crapping, no cannonballs.

Speaker 13 You're like, wait, pool crapping? Yeah.

Speaker 15 Mr.

Speaker 13 Paul, can I have some stick nine? Absolutely. For the last

Speaker 13 time.

Speaker 13 Thank you. Can I get my stick?

Speaker 14 Yeah, absolutely. Stick nine, we call it.

Speaker 13 Here you go, boy.

Speaker 13 There you go. Eat that up now.

Speaker 14 Thank God there's no rule against. Oh my God, I forgot the law changed.

Speaker 13 Man, Mr. Paul, my tummy and eyes hurt.
That's right.

Speaker 16 It's coming out, all of it.

Speaker 14 That's right.

Speaker 13 You're a good one.

Speaker 13 That stick.

Speaker 13 Mr. Paul, I'm bleeding out of the way.

Speaker 14 But would you make a choice? Die or stop whining?

Speaker 13 Is that a

Speaker 13 seltzer water coming out?

Speaker 14 Well, I'm going to have to see some money before I keep filling you with stuff, honestly. This is getting a little...

Speaker 13 Can I have also the Dr.

Speaker 15 Shul's foot absorption?

Speaker 13 This is a really slow-moving poison. Is he going to die or what? I don't know.

Speaker 14 You'd think poison would go through a lab this size much faster than a groan.

Speaker 13 God damn.

Speaker 15 Is this the scene on TV?

Speaker 13 I'm going to go to the knife. I'm going to go to the knife section and see.
Get to the knife section. I'm going to go stab him.

Speaker 13 Thank you so much. It's just right near the chip.
Somebody open the

Speaker 13 security window for one so we can get the knife.

Speaker 14 Yeah, it's just crazy.

Speaker 14 Who dies with a list?

Speaker 13 Shocking.

Speaker 15 Yet, this is the treatment through proper

Speaker 15 thought proper when a well-authenticated case of selling liquor to minors comes up.

Speaker 15 So

Speaker 15 they're saying you shouldn't be able to sell poisons to kids.

Speaker 14 What were the age restrictions on alcohol in the 1890s?

Speaker 13 Was there? I don't know. I don't know if there were any.

Speaker 15 I think it was just more societal, like frowned upon, don't sell, but so you could, maybe.

Speaker 13 I think. I'm starting starting to think that there is a like clinical use for strychnine.
I just don't know about. I've only heard of it as a poison.
Is there something

Speaker 14 this is before? This is

Speaker 14 like, I don't remember what Ozempic was for originally, you know, but it probably wasn't.

Speaker 15 Yeah, cravings go away.

Speaker 13 Yeah. You know,

Speaker 13 like it helps with your vision.

Speaker 14 Well, it wasn't for all cravings, maybe a weight loss, but then

Speaker 13 it was originally a drug for diabetics.

Speaker 13 Right, that's right. It's a drug that makes stop all the time.

Speaker 15 It kills rats, strychnine.

Speaker 13 Oh, we're talking about rats poison.

Speaker 13 Okay. All right.
So it is a poison. I thought that's what.

Speaker 13 It's like

Speaker 13 why were humans taking it?

Speaker 15 Why not?

Speaker 13 You see where I'm at? Damn, I never thought about it like that.

Speaker 15 Okay, what were the uses of strychnine in the 1800s?

Speaker 15 To control mice and rats.

Speaker 13 I love to control. Control mice.
So you look for me, boy. It was back then a verb.
It was a vermin killer.

Speaker 13 Bring me back gold. And then they're all dead.

Speaker 14 I think I misread the label on this one.

Speaker 13 I thought it was like a mind control drug for rats. I was going to say that.
They don't allow me.

Speaker 14 Now to control them.

Speaker 13 Wake up.

Speaker 14 Wake up, my pet. Wake up.

Speaker 13 Oh, Christ. Don't write control on the label if it's not what you mean.

Speaker 14 Is there any strict eight? That might be a little better of what I'm in the neighborhood for.

Speaker 13 It doesn't quite kill them, but it makes them more amenable to doing it.

Speaker 14 The little hypnotized

Speaker 14 now, bring me the gold from the mountains, my little boys.

Speaker 13 These rats are taking a long time. Go out the door, and they're just a sea of dead rats.
Come on.

Speaker 14 Mosh!

Speaker 13 Mush, boys! Mosh!

Speaker 13 Attach them to a sledge. Make me the richest man in the world!

Speaker 14 We will win the Iditarod, boys.

Speaker 14 For those who are writing the history books, the first name's Dylan.

Speaker 14 Mush, boys.

Speaker 13 Christ.

Speaker 14 All dead again.

Speaker 13 Christ.

Speaker 14 More like I did a wrong.

Speaker 13 There we go. There it is.
There it is.

Speaker 14 I wish I had a human around me to enjoy some of this stuff with me.

Speaker 13 I've got all these riffs i want to do got all these rat riffs and all these rats going to waste

Speaker 14 doesn't translate to charcoal on the wall as well as i'd hope i just want a million little friends

Speaker 13 am i so wrong

Speaker 14 is it so wrong to want to be the rat king

Speaker 14 don't answer that rats even though you're all dead

Speaker 14 right

Speaker 15 The tailors of New York propose to sell the bills which they hold against delinquent customers at public auctions.

Speaker 13 Wow.

Speaker 15 Oh, the beginning.

Speaker 13 The beginning. Right, yeah.

Speaker 15 Selling debt.

Speaker 13 Oh

Speaker 15 damn. There are two objections to this plan.
First, that it will encourage a certain class of debtors to wait for the sale and have the accounts against them brought by their friends.

Speaker 14 Interesting. Life finds a way.

Speaker 13 Wait, isn't that just paying off a debt? I don't understand what that means. Oh, I guess it's you're paying off a debt

Speaker 13 at a discount. What is paying for someone's debt mean?

Speaker 13 What does any of this mean?

Speaker 13 I've never been to a bank.

Speaker 13 Is it

Speaker 13 a bank? Is this what they call usury? Is this usury we're talking about?

Speaker 13 Uh-oh, here we go.

Speaker 13 I've never been to a bank. I've never been to a bank.
I don't deal with usurers.

Speaker 13 Christ, the Lord, he kicked all of the bankers out of the temple. I don't know if you remember that.

Speaker 13 I do, very much so. Yes, it's a great scene where he goes, Are you Chris? You get full payment.

Speaker 14 No, no, man.

Speaker 14 I don't think I do.

Speaker 13 Oh, that was Jesus Christ, Superstar. No, no.

Speaker 13 It's true.

Speaker 14 Leo shows up.

Speaker 14 So he's doing Jesus with an accent again.

Speaker 14 Are you craze?

Speaker 13 Are you crazed?

Speaker 14 Are you craze?

Speaker 13 Are you craze?

Speaker 14 I've never wanted to watch Blood Diamond more than that.

Speaker 13 Right, you gotta see it, it's upsetting. Well, in America, it's bling bling.
Out ear, it's bling bang.

Speaker 13 Oh, no, no, no, no, oh boy, oh boy, out ear, it's bling bang.

Speaker 14 Like, as a writer, you're probably watching Leo read a lot, and you're like, I'm gonna fucking make Leonardo to catch me.

Speaker 13 You know, he's gonna say my words,

Speaker 13 and then everyone's like, Oh boy,

Speaker 13 he's right. Then you got one more dead deep body,

Speaker 14 Then you got one more dead dead, but then you got

Speaker 13 one more dead deep body. Then you go to one more bit.

Speaker 14 I hope he doesn't do too much baby talk with it.

Speaker 13 I think he'll be able to get it. He'll get it.
Baby talk.

Speaker 15 Are you crazy?

Speaker 14 He's in character. He's so meta.

Speaker 13 This guy's method, dude. This guy is just.

Speaker 13 I said latte.

Speaker 14 Are you crazy?

Speaker 13 He's firing his assistant in my weird little language that I made up

Speaker 14 in my South Afrikaans.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 14 Are we still in just like, this is just a headline? Not headline, but just the news.

Speaker 15 Yeah, there's no, there's no like

Speaker 15 headlines above any of these stories.

Speaker 13 I like it. Yeah.
I mean, it's a way to do news. It's a way.
It's like clickbait. Yes, it is clickbait.
It's early. There's no gifts, which makes it kind of boring.
Right.

Speaker 14 I don't love that. There's no ads to close, which I don't love either.

Speaker 13 Yeah, yeah. Trying to find the little X.
Yeah, the page doesn't just crash randomly,

Speaker 13 which is the most fun part. But this is.
I love that. I like just lists and stuff.

Speaker 14 I love scrolling with an ad that stalks you.

Speaker 13 I like it when

Speaker 13 you can't get rid of me. Yeah, we're going to get rid of me.
Oh, now I'm bigger. Oh, oh, now I'm gone.
But now

Speaker 13 just hit the X. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Hold down with an arrow to take you to the article. Oh, now you click me.
We're going to live Jasmine.

Speaker 13 It's live Jasmine time. Who's that?

Speaker 14 Every time someone clicks on that, they must be like, we got him. They're not like someone's interested.
They're like, got him.

Speaker 13 Got him, idiot.

Speaker 13 Fool.

Speaker 14 Even though he left right away, that's money for us.

Speaker 13 That's money. That's

Speaker 13 a penny. You get enough of those guys.
Just like a sea of rats. That's a sea of money.

Speaker 14 That adds up.

Speaker 13 I'm going to get these rats to create websites for me.

Speaker 14 You understand, boys? We're going to do it together, rat friends.

Speaker 14 Christ.

Speaker 14 They're all skeletons. I'm talking to an army of skeletons.

Speaker 15 J.H. Morse, a young man formerly well-known in San Francisco, is leading a life which must be singularly independent and free from all annoyances and cares of ordinary existence.

Speaker 13 I love this guy. I'm this guy.

Speaker 15 This is my friend.

Speaker 15 I don't know.

Speaker 14 You have a microphone in an ice bucket and ate Jack in the box yesterday.

Speaker 13 Are you the same guy?

Speaker 14 San Francisco seems to be the only...

Speaker 13 It's the place you go where you're free from annoyances and you just do what you want. You're eating the poppers.

Speaker 13 You're putting the the microphone in the ice bucket, you're doing accents that are questionable.

Speaker 13 This is life at the top, this is life at the top, living my dream.

Speaker 15 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 13 I'm gonna eat more poppers after this. Okay, I don't know.

Speaker 13 No one can tell me what to do until I go.

Speaker 14 No, but I know, but it's like you're these are like acts of aggression towards who?

Speaker 15 Your wife, myself, yourself.

Speaker 13 Okay, you've declared war on yourself, and God. This is a war on God.
Right. Okay, now.

Speaker 13 If you kill me, I'll kill myself.

Speaker 13 You can't fire me. I quit.

Speaker 14 I don't know.

Speaker 13 If you kill me, God, guess what? Then you just have one more des de body.

Speaker 14 Okay, no. All right.
Dave, hurry.

Speaker 13 Don't worry. Dave, hurry.

Speaker 15 Hey, you craze.

Speaker 13 You crazy.

Speaker 15 He has bought himself for the modest sum of $5,000 a small island in the Pacific Ocean.

Speaker 13 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 15 He has imported tither a population of South Sea Islanders. Hey, this is bad.
This just took a really bad turn.

Speaker 13 Hey, this was real bad.

Speaker 15 This just took a really bad turn.

Speaker 13 I'm not this guy. I actually, can we go back and say I'm not this guy? So you don't.
I thought you were

Speaker 13 liable.

Speaker 13 I'm the slaver.

Speaker 13 I thought he was just someone who liked to chill.

Speaker 14 Well, I think he still might be trying to chill, but by means that we should not agree with. And you're now backing away.

Speaker 14 There's a level chill there's a level of chill that I'm comfortable with here's a rule of thumb don't befriend an island like a guy who has an island steer clear there's no one who's ever bought an island who's ever done anything good with it no it's like you don't need it because you could live like in a you could have a big like vast area of land on another area of land yeah just buy a house somewhere yeah like the idea that you need an ocean moat is that's where you go i don't know he's up to stuff why do you need a navy Well, I just somewhere where authorities can't get us, right, Matt?

Speaker 14 Come on over.

Speaker 13 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 15 There's finally a place. There's going to be a very special place where we're free and there is no one around us.

Speaker 15 Imagine a place and they're surrounded by water, and all we can do all day is just fuck squirrels.

Speaker 14 All the conch you can eat,

Speaker 14 all the rocks you want to skip, and screams can't be heard.

Speaker 15 Yes, not a scream.

Speaker 13 I've also imported some islanders as helpers. Yes.
And And

Speaker 14 I can't make my dream happen alone.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 13 That's a lot of work. Come on.

Speaker 14 A lot of work, turns out. So I just took a population and now they're mine.

Speaker 14 You're my best friend, Matt.

Speaker 13 They lived on the other island right there, and I just moved them here.

Speaker 14 You know what I mean? And now I get both.

Speaker 13 Yes.

Speaker 15 They're on a different island, and they are, I mean, I would call it an island basement is where they're now residing.

Speaker 13 And Matt, you're my best friend.

Speaker 13 No, not.

Speaker 14 And Matt, you're my number one buddy.

Speaker 13 I thought you just liked to eat jalapeno poppers.

Speaker 14 I love to eat poppers.

Speaker 13 And by the way, men, more poppers for Matt and I.

Speaker 14 Otherwise, you get the lava.

Speaker 14 Matt, I love you.

Speaker 13 We're not friends.

Speaker 14 Matt's my best friend.

Speaker 13 I don't know this man.

Speaker 13 I don't know this meeting.

Speaker 14 Share, and I we share the same ideals.

Speaker 13 I just thought he wanted to start a podcast about chilling.

Speaker 13 That's what I thought.

Speaker 15 This is chilling.

Speaker 13 No, but like normal.

Speaker 14 Hey, Matt, you want to eat some human hand? Come here, my boy.

Speaker 14 Name one thing we don't agree on. I sure can't.

Speaker 13 Let's start a YouTube channel. What are you doing, Matt? Food challenges.
What tastes better? Human hand or human foot?

Speaker 13 I want to do this. You're going to.
And you're going to have to. Come on now, Matt.

Speaker 14 Eat a little brain. By the way, it really helps if you guys comment.

Speaker 15 Hit that notification bell.

Speaker 14 Helps us out a lot.

Speaker 15 He has imported to there a population of South Sea Islanders and has set out a great quantity of coconut and banana trees.

Speaker 15 He is absolute ruler and practically owns everything

Speaker 13 and in animals. I've got this one guy in the corner who owns a little bit of stuff.
So

Speaker 14 one guy has a little plot of corn. I'm letting him be.

Speaker 15 This one guy that's like, this is my rock.

Speaker 13 This is my rock. All right, fine.
I let him sit.

Speaker 13 My rock.

Speaker 13 All right, fine.

Speaker 13 That way I don't feel like a king, right? I have one surf. He's over there.
He owns his own thing.

Speaker 14 It's his own rock.

Speaker 13 He's good. Good for you, Carl.

Speaker 14 He's got an army of dead rats.

Speaker 13 Yeah, he's fine. He thinks he controls rats with strychnine.

Speaker 15 I'm going to kill boss with rock someday.

Speaker 13 I'm going to kill boss with rock.

Speaker 14 We might have to get rid of Carl.

Speaker 13 I want to have that poster in my house. Just like one of those office motivational posters.

Speaker 13 Just a picture of Rock. I'm going to kill Boss with Rock.

Speaker 13 Hey,

Speaker 14 so Matt, we say you can hang up anything in your cubicle. That one is a little problematic for Mr.
Schwartz. He's kind of, he doesn't love that one.

Speaker 13 Why? No, just, you know, it's just like motivation. It's motivation for work.
I don't know.

Speaker 14 In the direction of hate, I don't know. It feels a little.

Speaker 13 Well, I'm a self-starter, you know, I like to let people know that, you know, just like, you know, every day is a new day. You know, it's like I'm a grindset, mindset guy.

Speaker 13 One day I'm going to kill boss. See,

Speaker 14 those are great mottos. It's the last one where it's.

Speaker 13 No, but the third one, it's just like, hey, one day I'll be the boss. You know,

Speaker 15 it's upsetting other workers.

Speaker 13 Why does he have to get killed with the rock is kind of what we're wondering?

Speaker 13 well no i it's not it's like stop thinking about it in terms of like oh no you know it's just a huge poster i know well i want people to know it's kind of my main my baseline mindset it's just like you know back in mesozoic era no no don't do mesozoic stuff well can we lose not matt can we lose some of the rock people

Speaker 13 matt can we lose the head of the clan was they killed boss with rock well it's not really a clan though i mean this is we don't love the term

Speaker 14 well it is exactly that's kind of our point and it shouldn't have you shouldn't have so many rocks on your desk that's kind of where

Speaker 13 well i just i just like rocks like that's separate from this guys i'm not gonna i'm not gonna kill you with a rock we could all kill boss with rock together well we are your bosses so yeah i know but you're not you're not

Speaker 13 the boss with that with which i will kill with the rock unless gareth you want to kill dave with a rock i actually am super into that yeah you want guys grab out the poster

Speaker 15 i'll print you can have your own poster there's now there's a new rule for the office, and that's no rocks and no posters.

Speaker 13 It's weird that you're making rules because we have the rocks. Yeah, but I'll have anything.

Speaker 14 Also, he's right.

Speaker 13 I am right. So

Speaker 13 I think I'm right. Well, I have rock.

Speaker 15 I'm the one that's right.

Speaker 13 Rock beats paper, bitch, and then I kill him. What? What?

Speaker 13 And that's how rock, paper, scissors was invented.

Speaker 14 And then what do you say in the blood diamond accent?

Speaker 13 I say,

Speaker 13 are you Chris? Chris? You get my baby boys for them.

Speaker 13 Maybe I just go to them government, huh? At least them government gonna pay me, huh?

Speaker 13 It's so bad.

Speaker 15 It's so upsetting. It's just upsetting.

Speaker 14 I bet the movie's over two hours.

Speaker 13 It's so long. It's so long.

Speaker 14 I bet it's like two hours and 30 minutes.

Speaker 13 But it's like two action-packed hours of the strangest South African accent you've ever heard.

Speaker 14 Offensive, not done yet. He's doing this in in between projects, so he doesn't have time to get it exactly right.

Speaker 13 He's just going to do it like a weird thing. Don't worry about what he's going to do.

Speaker 14 It's not going to be white, and that's what matters.

Speaker 15 We're still on this story, by the way.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 15 As his little kingdom is rich in guano, his purchase promises to be a profitable one. Yeah, Bat Pooh.

Speaker 13 But Bat Pooh used to actually be valuable.

Speaker 15 Big money. Oh, yeah, it was big money.

Speaker 13 What do you do with it?

Speaker 15 you get i think i from my understanding is is you uh you ship it to america and then they put it into little boxes and then you buy one and you can put it you cram it in someone's mouth

Speaker 15 i i i'm gonna go ahead and say i don't believe that dave's no that's true it was called mouth guano for a while but they like any if you didn't agree with someone during a discussion you could take out your back guano and cram it in their mouth but didn't it have it had an actual purpose there was like that's a fertilizer i don't see how that's not a purpose what's yeah

Speaker 15 that's a purpose?

Speaker 13 Is that not a purpose?

Speaker 13 No, you just describe the purpose to you, and you're just like, oh, but why do you use it? I don't know. Listen, maybe.

Speaker 13 All right. It's weird that you have headphones and you don't listen.

Speaker 14 I think that it's getting aggressive, but you are right. The point is taken.
But

Speaker 15 are you saying alternative purposes, like secondary, tertiary purposes?

Speaker 14 Yeah, no, well, you could do that with so many.

Speaker 15 What makes it specific to some people would use it for fertilizer, but the main purpose was to stop arguments.

Speaker 13 Okay. All right.

Speaker 14 Well, I wish we had a little now, honestly. I feel like

Speaker 14 it feels like I've been sort of cornered, and I'd love to pop a couple of guanos in a couple of traps, to be honest with you.

Speaker 13 I got an easier idea. Find a rundown.
I don't think.

Speaker 13 Yeah. Find a ruck.
No. No.

Speaker 15 Get a rock.

Speaker 13 Get a rock. Get a rock.

Speaker 15 Get a rock.

Speaker 13 It's like most musical episodes.

Speaker 13 Get a rock.

Speaker 13 Get it.

Speaker 13 Get it.

Speaker 13 I forgot I had a soundboard on

Speaker 13 my

Speaker 13 travel recorder.

Speaker 14 I can't believe we're only finding this out at the very end.

Speaker 13 We could have fucking. Yeah, I could have been soundboarding this whole time.
Yeah.

Speaker 14 All right. Well, why don't we...

Speaker 14 Why don't we... Let's end with, Dave.
If you have a sound effect, a story where Matt can really bring this.

Speaker 15 I haven't finished this one.

Speaker 14 I know, but it's dead.

Speaker 15 Are you sure?

Speaker 13 I mean, what's going on. Does it end up

Speaker 13 in getting eaten by the rats? Were there rats? Well,

Speaker 15 of course, there is nothing to prevent his returning to civilization at any time, but he seems to prefer to stay where he is. And who shall say that Mr.

Speaker 15 Morris is not one of the happiest men in the world today?

Speaker 15 He's got slaves and shit.

Speaker 14 Oh, man, I really thought you were still on article.

Speaker 13 No. Wait, wait,

Speaker 13 slaves and shit. But wait, but so I would like to know what happened with that island man.

Speaker 13 That seems like something where a follow-up is incredible. Do we have a name of the island? Well, his name was Morse.
What is his name? Morse. Yeah.
What's his first name?

Speaker 14 Morse, like code or Morris?

Speaker 15 It doesn't say his first name.

Speaker 14 But are you spelling it M-O-R-S-E or M-O-R-R?

Speaker 15 It just says J-H. It's M-O-R-S-E.

Speaker 13 J-H. Like the code.
Morse.

Speaker 15 Island Man is what I think technical term.

Speaker 13 I think it'sland man. Island boy.
Island boy.

Speaker 13 Is this the first island boy? He's going to suck his brother off.

Speaker 14 I forgot about those guys.

Speaker 14 I don't see anything.

Speaker 13 You think he's real? I bet he's real, though.

Speaker 14 Where is the island man?

Speaker 13 Yeah, don't uh i don't know i don't see anything

Speaker 13 you know maybe they deleted him for this is a really old newspaper people could just make shit up

Speaker 14 that's true too we we actually i think we had one of those

Speaker 14 where it was just like we were like as we got like halfway through we're like i don't did this really happen like yeah that man made a flute out of a huge tree and a wizard fell from it and they were like okay now they've like come on this is getting a little far-fetched.

Speaker 13 This is page three. Yeah.

Speaker 13 Come on.

Speaker 14 Do you have a sound effect last one, Dave? Maybe? I mean, we really should take advantage of it. Okay.

Speaker 15 Washing out the stomach.

Speaker 13 The thing is, I didn't know what sound it was going to be.

Speaker 13 It worked. It worked.
That's right.

Speaker 15 During the past year, several physicians in New York have tried, with a a gratifying success, a novel treatment for dyspepsia and cancer of the stomach by washing out that organ.

Speaker 13 And they still do it to this day.

Speaker 13 Well, you put a broom down this throat and you just kind of...

Speaker 13 You let the bristles sweep out all of the cancer. Yes.

Speaker 15 Sweep the tum-tums.

Speaker 13 It's called sweeping.

Speaker 15 The process is very simple and not dangerous. A long, flexible pipe is passed down the throat until one end is in the stomach.

Speaker 14 Oh my god.

Speaker 15 The upper end has a funnel attached to it.

Speaker 14 No.

Speaker 15 Into which hot water is poured until the stomach is filled.

Speaker 14 Oh my fucking God. What are they making? Pate?

Speaker 14 Oh my God.

Speaker 13 Medicine back in the days was just like, just try shit, man.

Speaker 13 Like, let's just go for it.

Speaker 14 Oh, you got to be like, I was like, somebody was like, and then what? And you were like, then you put a bunch of hot water inside.

Speaker 13 Then we see. I don't know.

Speaker 14 Then we broth him from the inside out.

Speaker 15 You probably did. You've scalded all the inside parts.

Speaker 13 Well, yeah, that's where you're just like.

Speaker 14 What happened? Well, he didn't make it. But he's, there's no cancer.

Speaker 13 There's no anything. Yes.

Speaker 13 I mean,

Speaker 13 what was the other option? Let him die?

Speaker 13 Figure it out.

Speaker 14 Remove it.

Speaker 15 The pipe has an aperture big enough to hold a lead pencil. After the stomach,

Speaker 15 I don't know why they said that.

Speaker 14 Just get a little lead involved.

Speaker 13 Get a pencil in there. Put a little lead in there.

Speaker 13 Put a lead in there.

Speaker 14 Tell us a little mercury inside.

Speaker 15 I have a question. Do you think we could write inside the stomach?

Speaker 13 We're going to try.

Speaker 14 We're going to do everything we can.

Speaker 13 I'm going to sign my work. Look at that.
There we are.

Speaker 15 What did you sign?

Speaker 13 It says

Speaker 13 Dr. Commander Zero.

Speaker 13 Dr.

Speaker 14 Commander Zero.

Speaker 15 After the stomach has been filled, the funnel end of the pipe is turned down until it was lower than the bottom of the stomach, and the stomach is emptied as a barrel of any fluid is emptied through a siphon.

Speaker 13 Oh my God.

Speaker 13 So we flip them upside down. Well, we're going to shake them a little bit too to make sure it gets nice and frustrated.

Speaker 14 Just like anything else you fill up.

Speaker 13 Yeah, you're going to shake it and then get some. He's not doing great.
Get the monk, the muck and the gunk out of there, you know. He's not doing great.

Speaker 14 That was a liver. That was organ.

Speaker 13 Yeah. Oh boy.
You think he needs

Speaker 13 that?

Speaker 14 Yeah, he needs some of that.

Speaker 13 Yeah. He doesn't need that.

Speaker 14 He had a lot of bad in him.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 15 The process, the process may be repeated several times.

Speaker 13 There was no.

Speaker 14 Hold on, Dave.

Speaker 14 Once is not enough. Okay.
You're probably thinking that's plenty. Four or five times is what you got to go with.

Speaker 13 Get it right. There was no.
Oh, you still have cancer? That's because you only did it once.

Speaker 14 Yeah, you're still a gunky, my man.

Speaker 13 Yeah, still got more gunk.

Speaker 15 75, 100 times, I think. There we go.

Speaker 13 I just came back. The cancer is spreading.
Well, what are you doing? Well, you must be doing something between.

Speaker 14 What are you doing? Are you gunking at home?

Speaker 13 Yeah, you're just putting random gunk in there, aren't you?

Speaker 14 Are you eating cancer, boy?

Speaker 13 That's our theory.

Speaker 15 We have a new cure called waterboarding.

Speaker 13 Here we are. Here you go.
What is dead may never die.

Speaker 13 Just half drown you.

Speaker 15 The result is that the undigested food and mucus are washed out and the hot water closes the blood vessels and reduces inflammation.

Speaker 14 A fucking unbelievable.

Speaker 13 Oh, that's right. Some of this is just for a tummy ache.
Yeah.

Speaker 14 Well, your husband's no longer sick because he's no longer.

Speaker 13 He's no longer anything, really.

Speaker 14 He's no longer anything, to be honest with you.

Speaker 15 I love the idea of using hot to reduce inflammation.

Speaker 14 Hot to reduce inflammation. It'd be like, now those blood vessels stop working.
Things are pretty good inside.

Speaker 13 Yes.

Speaker 13 The relief is immediate. Yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 13 Yes. The relief from this mortal coil is immediate.

Speaker 14 The relief from breathing.

Speaker 13 No more pain.

Speaker 13 No more anything.

Speaker 14 No more nothing.

Speaker 13 No more piles of laundry. No more armies of dead rats you tried to control with Strychnine because you misread the label.

Speaker 13 No more nothing. No more.

Speaker 13 That's it. Just one more dead body.

Speaker 15 The dyspeptic may have his stomach washed out before a meal so that he can take a fresh start on my face.

Speaker 14 Now, guess who's hungry?

Speaker 15 Are you ready for a steak?

Speaker 14 Hey, coughing up my heart sure made me want pasta.

Speaker 15 Welcome to Olive Garden. We do it differently.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 14 What's better than never-ending bread sticks? Never-beginning bread sticks.

Speaker 15 After the lapse of a sufficient time for ordinary digestion, the stomach may be washed out again. This process has been in use at New York Hospital for some time.

Speaker 13 And this is a scientific

Speaker 13 American.

Speaker 14 It's really good.

Speaker 15 Scientific American wrote that.

Speaker 14 It works. Matt, do you have a sound effect to end that article? Maybe?

Speaker 14 Feels like we've done all our sound effects.

Speaker 13 Oh.

Speaker 14 It sounded like water, but it was applause. It was applause, of course.

Speaker 14 Well, Matt, thank you for joining us. Where can people follow you? We

Speaker 14 are big fans of the videos that crush for you, which is where you are just either mocking the policies of our government or

Speaker 14 you skewer very well. Where can people follow you and all that?

Speaker 13 You can follow me

Speaker 13 over on Instagram at Matt Lieb Jokes or you can follow me on Twitter

Speaker 13 or formally the X, the Everything app,

Speaker 13 at Matt Lieb. I'm still there.
I'm going to leave.

Speaker 13 Oh, I forgot. I have one more plug to do.

Speaker 13 If you like me and my wife Francesca Fiorentini, then you're going love me and Francesca Fiorentini doing stand-up comedy. We're gonna be co-headlining Cobbs in San Francisco on May 7th.

Speaker 13 So please get your tickets now if you are in San Francisco or the San Francisco Bay Area and you want to see some comedy on a Wednesday, then come out to Cobbs Comedy Club over in North Beach in San Francisco.

Speaker 13 It's gonna be super fun.

Speaker 13 Yeah, get your tickets now. You can find them on my social media or, you know, by Googling Matt Lieb, Francesca Fiorentini, Cobbs Comedy Club.
We'll see you May 7th.

Speaker 13 And then I'm on Blue Sky

Speaker 13 with, you know, hanging out with the Libs

Speaker 13 at Matt Lieb. You can find me there.
And yeah, listen to me.

Speaker 15 I'm also on Blue Sky.

Speaker 13 Listening to my podcast.

Speaker 15 We're all on Blue Sky.

Speaker 13 We love Blue Sky.

Speaker 15 Don't look at it.

Speaker 15 It's the last refuge,

Speaker 15 the last place to go where there aren't just a bunch of fucking assholes.

Speaker 13 Yeah. It's awesome.

Speaker 14 It's

Speaker 14 It's nice to remember how good we had it with Jack Dorsey.

Speaker 13 Insane Jack Dorsey.

Speaker 14 Can't just have a co-op, can we?

Speaker 13 No.

Speaker 14 Well, thank you, Matt. And

Speaker 14 Dave, sorry to hear about your cancellation.

Speaker 13 That's tough.

Speaker 1 Some of these days,

Speaker 1 you'll miss me, honey.

Speaker 1 Some of these days.

Speaker 17 Hey, Dollop fans. I know you love the dollop.

Speaker 18 You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth.

Speaker 17 Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes.

Speaker 17 So if you want to go watch a five-parter animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, You can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of The Rube.

Speaker 17 It really genuinely kicks ass, and we're very proud of it.

Speaker 17 And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them.

Speaker 17 We're already making a second one, so go there and watch The Rube.

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