677 - Clay Allison - live

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You're listening to the dollar.

Yeah, they do.

You can tell right there from the applause.

You think he's joking? He's being serious. That's like an

very droll. When I walked in, I was like, good comic club.

But will anyone be shitting their pants at the show?

It's an American history podcast, where each week I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American history to a

thing. Thanks, Dave.

Gareth Reynolds has no idea what the topic is going to be about.

September 2nd, 1840. Woo-woo!

Remember the Lord? J-Town.

No. J-Town.
What do you mean? No. Just stop already.
We're a

religious American history. Everything in America is religious now, by the fucking.

Computer.

Robert Clay Allison was born in Waynesboro, Tennessee to Jeremiah and Mariah Allison.

It's a fucked up. Jeremiah.

Jeremiah.

That's the People magazine. Yeah.
Jeremariah. What are they up to?

Praying. Oh, my God.

Is there anybody named Jeremiah who's not religious?

I think there probably is, but they're like from it. Yeah.
You know, you're not just like, Jeremiah, that'd be cool. Their disappointment.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They left.

He had a clubfoot. Nice.

And you got a long line to get into that place.

Slipped up bouncer Tony. He'll get you in the clubfoot.

Jeremiah was a Presbyterian minister, and he also raised cattle and sheep, and then he died when Clay was five. Okay.
Coming out. Perfect, stranger.

It's a bad start when you have a club foot and you're got no dad at five. Yeah.

Club foot at five.

I need this space.

Clay was called a restless child as a teen. He had wild mood swings and a big temper.
Sure. Now, this could have been from a head injury that he apparently got.

They're not sure, but they believe he got a head injury when he got a fucking fan. How do they know they know his foot's fucked, but they don't know about the head?

So he worked on the family farm until the Civil War broke out when he was 21 and he immediately signed up with the

Confederacy

on October 15th, 1861. Although, no, you want, I mean, when you think of the Confederates, aren't you like, yeah, head injury, club foot? That's our guy.

I'm sure they had a whole regiment. Hey, Drag! Come on!

Hey, Dominippy, what are you doing? I don't know, I just fixed him to eat this tree!

Idiot.

So he's about, he's all about fighting. He loved the fight, and sometimes he threatened to kill his superior officers when they didn't pursue Union soldiers who were retreating.

Well, listen,

you know,

either side, you gotta like the idea of like, we should just keep killing them.

Yeah, like the fight is right. The fight is right.
You want that in the war? You want to go? You can never stop killing him.

And he can't win. Now, club foot-wise, where is he at? He's still got it? That doesn't go away.

So

he's just like yelling at the generals to get moving because he's like, some of us can't.

Well,

I think you just kind of have a little bit of a tilt. I don't think it's like a.

Tilt in battle is not great.

But

you can still move fine.

It could be an advantage if you think about it. It's just no.

You can do matrix stuff. I'll finish.
He can do matrix stuff. What are you talking about? Well, I mean, he's got a tilt, like you said.

I think you don't know what a tilt is. I think you don't know what the matrix is.

That's what I think.

Alright, I guess we'll watch it. Yeah.

Fuck what?

No.

That's what the second show is tonight.

I know Kung Fu. I mean, I remember this.

After a whole two months in the Army, he was medically discharged. As his, quote, emotional or physical excitement produces paroxysmal of a mixed character, partly epileptic and partly maniacal.

What the fuck?

Is how he becomes evil? Yeah.

Real Dr. Jekyll, Mr.
Hyde.

You know what that? Yeah, I think you'd want that in a war. Like a guy just goes back.
I mean, I don't think you'd want to kill killing your guys.

I still think you'd be, like, if you're in a war and you're like, dude, chill the fuck out. Do you understand me? Ah!

Ah, ah, ah.

Woo! Yes. Ah!

I'm with a whole regiment of those guys. Ah!

My ankle hurts.

Ah, pissed my ankle off. Holding your head.
Ah! Woo!

That's your... Ah, my ankle killing me.

The discharge document said it might have been from a blow to the head he had gotten years before, quote, producing a depression of the skull.

Okay, so he's got like CT or something. Or are we talking like actual skull dimples? He's got it dead.

He's got a head dead. That's why he's got that, yeah.
So that made him not the same because everybody else is. Sure.
He was maniacal. No, he's got an evil dead.
Yeah. Yeah.

So on September 22nd, which is nine months later, Clay enlisted in the 9th Tennessee Cavalry and they took him.

And he stays with that until the end of the war. He was a scout and a spy, and he grew a Van Dyke beard like his

Van Dyke beard. Like the general he was with.
It's that guy. Oh, one of those.

That's him? Yep. Oh, wow.
Looks totally different, right?

Yeah.

It looks like he went to evil school.

He fully changed. The time he left, he was like, what do you say? We just put him on some train tracks.

On

May 4th, 1865, Allison and his company were captured, and he was sentenced to be executed, but escaped after killing a guard.

Sorry, those are the rules. You're allowed to kill the rules.
Yeah. Yeah.
Sorry.

And then he went home.

And once he got home, he joined the Klan. Jesus Christ.

All right.

Yeah, I love the bravery of booing the clan.

Just to be clear how we all feel.

But they're in constant conflict with the Freedmen's Bureau of Wayne County and they once had an actual battle.

So Clay was part of a lot of skirmishes with the Klan, and then one day a Union corporal came to the farm to seize property and Clay calmly got his gun out of the closet and killed him. Jesus Christ.

Well, don't come for the property, bitch. Yep, that's the

calm.

After Clay and his brothers, John and Monroe, and his sister Mary and her husband headed for Texas.

There you go. Yeah, for sure.

So there was a river they had to cross, and they had to use a ferry to get across it.

And the ferryman, Zachary Colbert, told them the price, and Clay thought it was too much, and so Clay beat him unconscious.

Jesus Christ. I mean, you got to get across the river.

How are you going to do it? These guys... Just steal it and leave him on the shore?

No, that's not fun.

Okay.

The journey continued, and then they settled near the Brazos River in Texas. Clay was a very skilled cowhand, and he...
Well, he was a cow. It looked like he was departing.

He wore a cow outfit, that's why.

He got at work really easily. He would herd cattle through Texas, New Mexico, and Colorado.
And then he got into it with a neighbor over some water hole rights. Sure.

And the two guys decided that they would settle it by digging a grave. What?

That is fucking crazy bet.

We dig a grave and one of those kids in it. You got a deal.

And then they both get inside. Oh, what? And have a bowing knife fight.
In the grave? grave?

Holy fuck!

That is a tight quarter for a bowie knife, folks.

Guess who won? Clay one. Clay won, yeah.
We were talking about him. I'll have the story to be over here.
Yeah.

Holy shit.

That's how the podcast is going to be

In 1872, big cattle ranchers moved to Colfax County, New Mexico.

Yeah, fuck it, Colfax, where you at?

I don't care.

This whole place is the same.

Sorry.

Yeah, I know it's better for us, but we love it here. Been here for five hours.
We'll be gone. soon.

I'm sorry, really personal.

We got some great stuff.

You good. You guys can get out.
There's like

cars and stuff. Get out of here.

The Allison brothers went with

these big cattle ranchers, and they were given 300 cattle for 300 cattle for driving a herd, right?

I don't understand. They're going to drive 300 cattle wherever they're going to get.
Oh, okay.

Take it to

wherever. Yeah, fuck old Jacksonville.
Yeah, right.

So Clay set up a ranch at the Vermeo and Canadian Rivers.

And his ranch was pretty soon making money. He was bringing in the cash.
Cool. Do people know about the murders?

No, don't worry about that. Nobody knows about that.
They're like, wow, he's pretty good at this. I meant to look up the name of the city.
You know, he fought a guy in a grave before this. His resume.

Yeah. A lot of holes in your resume.
What were you doing before this? Like, if a guy says, I fought a battle to the death in the grave, you're like, you're hired.

What the fuck? I'm like, cool. All right.

Not going to not say that. Did you just see me running? Did he leave his own business? Yeah.

The two closest towns were Cimaron?

Cimaron. Cimaron.
Cimaron.

And then also Elizabethtown was the other big town nearby. And the Alice

quickly became part of the scene in both towns.

At first, they were liked him. Everybody liked him.
At first.

Well, there's no law enforcement yet in the area. And Saturday nights, the Allisons just went off.
They drank, they got on their horses, they rode up and down the street yelling and shooting.

And they went into saloons and into gambling joints, and then they started shooting lamps and mirrors and glasses. They liked to also shoot at newcomers' feet to make them dance.

And Clay was known to run around naked.

It's just Hollywood, baby.

But that's really how I picture this time in general. I don't really picture like 90% of the people being like that.
Yeah.

And then there's just a couple people writing it down, like, Jesus fucking Christ.

Like, there's a town of me's and then one you.

I'll write this down. Wow.
This will come in handy later.

While I'm gambling and jacking off, you know what I mean? No. Boom.

Are you gambling and jacking off at the same time? Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

With dice in my hand, whacking it. Yeah.

That's really great, man. Yeah.
Hey, I'm a good guy.

And then we all have our different versions of what good means.

Move that fist right there.

In the fall of 1870, Charles Kennedy...

He was arrested for robbing and killing guests who stayed overnight at his cabin. Are you not?

Are you not allowed to. Well, you should be able to.

I would just say if it's that time and there's not a lot of people around and someone comes to your house and is like, may I stay here? You should be able to kill him. Kill him, absolutely.

It's like Verba. Yeah.

And so Clay and a group broke into the Elizabethtown jail and dragged him behind a horse with a rope around his neck up and down the street until he was dead.

And then after a while, Clay got off his horse and cut off his head and put it in the sack and rode 29 miles to Simron and ordered the head staked on a fence in front of Lambert's Inn.

What?

What? He had 29 miles on horseback to think about this decision. I was like, yeah, it's a good idea.

Definitely the right move.

Lambert must have been like, no.

No, that's bad. I've rode quite a while and never in my head did I calculate you'd say no to something like that.

It's just bad for people. Well, what am I supposed to do with that? Why did I spend 20 minutes getting it off his body?

It's going to be very inviting. No, people.
Put his head on there. Nobody wants to go to a hotel with him.
I do.

It's like a lamp in a window. It's inviting.
His head's on a pike or something.

Why would people want that? Because I'm going to kill you unless you do it.

That's a good argument. Yeah.
How about that? Yeah. Little fucking liberal.

How many nights he stayed?

I don't have much of a plan. I got a dented head, a clubby foot.

I just killed a guy in a grave.

He was alive when I went in it.

We dug it as a team.

Let me explain to you what happened back there.

We agreed to dig a grave together.

You better believe there was small talk. By the time the grave was dug, I sort of liked the guy.

But rules are rules. We didn't just go out there to form a friendship while hole digging.

So one of us had to go, and it was him.

I lost my best friend that night.

Poor guy.

Anywho, put the head on your fence.

So in April, April 30th, 1870, Allison and two men were believed to have stolen 12 mules from Fort Union.

He was tried

in the fall. It's amazing that that's what got him.
They're like, you stole horses.

I also just gave a hotel gate gig for a head.

No, I made a mistake here. Anyway, uh

don't tell me it's that the grave fight didn't happen.

No, no. There was a some sort of fight.
I don't know how it got there, but um.

Between who?

Well, a bunch of there was a chaos. So in the town there was like a bunch of chaos going on.
And

um and C Clay was like trying to uh escape from like

when he got caught for stealing the mules. Okay.
And um there's other people shooting and then Clay accidentally shot himself in the foot.

Well, he might walk better now. He might have a

So they still escape though and they made it to a hideout on the Red River and Clay sent for his friend Davey Crockett. What? Nephew of the famous Crockett.
Oh,

what? Little Crockett. That little Crockett.

I mean, you gotta go with David at that point.

Well, I mean, it depends what your lifestyle is. If he was just like, I'm trying to be an attorney,

JP Crockett.

They also sent for a doctor, and he helped Clay, but Clay would have to live for the rest of his life. Okay.

So a little while after, he was boozing it up in a saloon when someone said something he didn't like.

And that guy runs out, but Clay is now in a bad mood.

That's not good. So he went to the county clerk's office where he got mad at the county clerk for saying something.
What is it easy? The county clerk's like, what are you doing? You're hammered. Yeah.

Fucking talk to me like that. So Clay threw a knife at him.
Okay.

But only

like caught his sleeve and so his sleeve got stuck to the door. That's fucking crazy.
You gotta pretend like you meant to do that. Next one goes in your body, Jack.

You didn't know you were working with Michael Winslow, did you?

I felt like I was there. A knife went right by me.
Yep.

To the helicopter.

Look at all these kangaroos.

So the clerk ran out and Clay threw his knife at a young lawyer who also ran. And they both ran across the street to the doctor's office.

And then the lawyer grabbed the doctor's gun, saying he would kill him.

What a great era

that we're entering again.

Let me go grab my doctor's gun.

My lawyer's isn't loaded.

And then he said he would kill Clay in self-defense. And then Clay rode up outside, and the clerk and lawyer bolted out the back door.

And the doctor went out the side and told Clay he was not behaving well.

Is that the end of it? No. Oh, fuck.
I was like, oh, that's good. I would have been like, you're the best.

And Clay just laughed at him and said he only wanted the guy who upset him in the saloon, and then he rode off in search of him.

Now, the lawyer, his name was Melvin Mills, and he would hold a grudge forever.

Clay is not good with women, but he then met Dora McCullough.

Clay and his brother John met Dora and her sister and the girls had been orphaned during the war and they now live with guardians, the Youngs, and Mrs. Young does not like Clay.

How old are these orphaned girls?

Well, they alone. The two couples alone.
How old are these? Dora's 18. And the other? Clay's 39.
I don't know how old the other one is.

Does it matter?

It's not great.

They begged the Youngs to forgive them, and over time the Youngs did. And the Youngs came to believe that Clay did not seek trouble, but didn't turn away from it when it came his way.

Now Clay is not a fast draw, but he was just cold, ice, veins guy. So he was the guy as a...

Yeah. It's like Unforgiven.
Right.

For those of you who don't know, that was a dog food.

That's dog food.

Mace Bowman was very quick, and he was from Kentucky and served in the Texas Cavalry and the Rangers. and he became a sheriff in Trinidad using the name Matt Mason.
As you do.

He's changed the whole name for a cop. Yeah, alright, sure.

But now he's like SAG. He's like, there's already a Matt Mason.
Sheriff.

But so now he starts calling himself Mac Bowman. Mac Bowman.
And Mason and Clay knew each other pretty well and had mock duels. Mock duels? Yeah, fake it, you know.
They'd go and like pretend. Yeah.

They were LARPing? Yeah.

But then one night things got a bit more serious in a saloon, and Clay was very drunk, and when he got drunk, he became more confident with his skills.

So whatever Clay said to Mace, Mace turned and said, quote, have at it. And they bet a gallon of whiskey.
Jesus fucking gun.

All bets are that for me from now on. Want to put a gallon of whiskey on it?

For a drug control. Amen.

Want to put a gallon of whiskey on that? The best whiskey comes with gallons.

It's like Costco. Holy fuck!

Looks like a gallon of McLaren.

They paced to the walls, turned and pulled. Mace had his gun pointed at Clay before he could even get his out.

So Clay paid for the whiskey and apparently they then took off their clothes down to their underwear and danced.

Now,

why can't all duels end like that?

This is the part of the West you don't hear about.

It'd be great. Well, you win.

Makes you rethink that grave ending a little bit.

Then they shot at each other's feet to see who would flinch, and neither one did. Doesn't sound very fun.
None of this sounds fun.

After, Bowman taught Clay how to pull his gun faster. Why? Why not? They're buddies.
Okay.

On January 7th, 1874, gunfighter Chunk Colbert. Chunk, come on.

So Chunk came looking for a fight with Clay. Colbert believed he was the fastest there was.
But he was also the nephew of the ferryboat operator Clay had beaten unconscious

nine years before. Nine years.
Get over it. Didn't that get over it? I don't even remember that.
I can't remember who beat the shit out of my uncle last month. Yeah.

Me.

So Chunk could have been there for revenge.

Chunk was rumored to have killed six men and was bragging he'd make Clay the seventh. So Chunk arrives in town and finds Clay, and then they spend the day drinking together and gambling on horses.

Okay.

And then Chunk asks Clay to dinner at Clifton House.

But he thinks something's up. Clay does.
Clay's like it's weird. Nobody ever wants to sit down and have supper with me.
Yeah.

So,

you know, Colbert's acting very, a little too friendly, I guess.

And so Chunk puts his gun in his lap, and Clay puts his on the table, and then they eat.

Comfortable, yep.

And then Chunk suddenly pulled his gun, and Clay was ready, does the same.

Chunk's revolver clipped the table, and the shot was deflected, and so Clay shot Chunk Colbert in the head.

That's where you do it. And that's just in a restaurant.
Yeah, we're in a bunch of stuff. And you people are just like keeping down.
I thought we were in the non-shooting section.

Would you like shooting or non?

Shooting. We'll do shooting.

What?

Shooting.

Say he's buried in an unmarked grave behind Clifton House. Why? Why unmarked?

What are you going to do? Mark it. We know who he is.
Everyone was there. People are like, we don't know who that was.
I don't know how to spell chunk. Yeah.

Chunk's friend Charles Cooper sees the whole thing and two weeks later he and Claire are seen riding together and then Cooper is never seen again.

Okay,

so Cimarron is a boom town. So what are how many deaths are we at right now? There are a lot of

ten? Yeah, maybe. Okay.
Yeah, it's up there. Okay.
Cimarrone was a boom town as gold had been discovered nearby and it's in an area that was a land grant.

So originally it was the largest land grant in in North America. It was given by the Spanish government to two guys, thinking that would encourage Mexican settlers, but they didn't come.

Smart. Yep.

And then later, the U.S. Congress gave the land grant to Lucian Maxwell.

So, anyway, he's from the Maxwell family, and the Maxwells became the largest landowners in the world for getting the land grant. Okay.

So, his operation is headquartered in

Cimaron or Cimaroon?

Cimaroon. Cimaron.

So Colonel Edmund visits and said the Maxwell house was insane opulence.

Would you like a coffee?

He, quote, lived in a sort of barbaric splendor akin to that of the nobles of England at the time of the Norman conquests. Oh, and we all get that.

So he's a rich guy in the middle of New Mexico, just

living like he's not in New Mexico. Right.

He had a racetrack built in back and held weekly races. Oh my god.
He employed up to 1,000 people, but treated them all horribly.

Quote: If a Mexican servant didn't suit him or did anything against his orders, he took a board or plank or anything he could get a hold of and whipped him with it.

With a fucking board?

I mean, if you can't find a whip,

Christ, you know what? Grow up.

You better not be looking at me right fucking now.

Sometimes you gotta beat the help.

Maxwell was brutal and he flaunted his wealth.

Once, when told he should get a safe because he had 30,000 in a drawer, Maxwell just responded by smiling and said, quote, God help the man who attempted to rob me.

Okay.

Now,

copper is discovered,

and then gold is discovered. and so this makes Maxwell even richer.

And then also he's getting rich from all the rents he took from the settlers coming to strike it rich.

Then he starts evicting squatters, settlers, farmers, and small ranchers. Okay.
So it's kind of everybody. He's good new money.
Yeah, right.

And so there's a new group of rich, powerful men behind the grant, and they're called the Santa Fe Ring.

The lawyer Clay had thrown a knife at, Mills, remember that guy? Oh, yeah, yeah. And the doctor who treated his foot injury.
The doctor with the gun? Yeah.

Longwell, we're both now part of the Santa Fe Ring. Okay, is that good? Nope.
Okay.

In 1875, Longwell was elected probate judge and Mills a state legislator. Okay.

And as sheriffs served eviction notices, people start fighting back. Okay.

Grant pastures were set on fire. Sure.
Cattle rustling went up and officials. Cattle rustling?

Wrestling. Wrestling, okay.
No.

Cattle wrestling. Wrestling.
Wrestling. Wrestling.
What are you saying? Wrestling. Wrestling? Wrestling cows.

Wrestling them. Wrestling.
Anyway, you steal a cow. I don't even give a shit.

I don't care. Wrestle, wrestling.

Do you think it was actually wrestling? I'm not sure what any of it is, to be quite honest with you. Cattle?

Steal cows. Okay.
Wrestling. Yeah.
It's just you're throwing away the wrestler.

You know, you put on a little outfit and you go take that.

Ding, ding, ding, ding.

Woo.

I'm going to take the cow tonight. Cow, you're going down.

The belt comes home with humans.

Enough bullshit.

You've been mooing your mouth off long enough.

Just has the American flag restaurant.

There were also people, officials who'd be threatening a gunpoint, and the Santa Fe Ring sent gangs to attack homes at night and threaten people. Okay.

So the people create their own group, the Colfax County Ring, and some believe that Clay was the leader. Okay.
Clay was in charge of the Colfax County Ring.

The Reverend Franklin told me he began giving sermons in towns around the area and Clay liked it. And he aligned? Yeah, of course.

He aligns with the settlers, and he openly stated he'd do whatever he could to stop the Santa Fe rain.

And on September 14th, 1875, he was found shot in the back in a nearby killing. He was? Yeah.
Oh, fuck.

And rumor was the new constable, Cruz Vega, was involved in the killing. And another minister, Reverend Oscar Patrick McMaines,

now joins with the settlers. So there's no luck finding the killer.
So Reverend McMaines asked Clay for help. And on the evening of October 30th, a masked mob rode up on the constable.

And the constable said he had nothing to do with it. And he blamed it on another guy.

And that guy said he was hired by Francisco Grigo. That guy admitted that he did it.

Shit, Vinny's $11 for Taco Bell.

It doesn't happen on a lot of podcasts.

I don't think it happens on any.

You should probably tell the story about Luke having Taco Bell today while we're on halftime.

Which story?

The Taco Bell one. Don't say which Taco Bell one.
Okay.

We're almost there.

So we stop at Taco Bell because I'm scared of all their food places.

And

Luke gets, first of all, we're inside. He goes, well,

he's driving. He goes, well, I'm going to get hard because they're easy to hit.
Our tacos.

They're easier to handle when driving than soft.

So he's already fucking crazy.

I didn't say anything because I'm not going to, like, that's just like, okay, I didn't hear it.

Yeah, no, our tacos are, I was like, well, they do break up a little bit. He goes, you know, I can do it.
So

we're driving. And he, for some reason, he doesn't eat one for like 45 minutes.
and then he pulls it out of the bed. Well, we know why.

Let it settle. They're wine.
Yeah, you let it settle.

Let them cook. And he takes out a taco.
He's got his hand.

And

I'm watching him because looks like it. He doesn't want to watch, yeah.

And a little piece of tomato comes out of the taco and lands on his arm.

And he acts like he's hit with the bat. He's like, Garnet!

It scared him. Explode.
Tomato.

Tomatoes scared him.

His own tomato from his taco fucking freaked him out.

And then he shed. And then he LeBron his taco.

And he was like, and then he sits everywhere and he's like, that's well, you don't march.

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Use rocket money, get more pocket money that is illegal that you're doing that to me trademark dave anthony what did you just become groucho

hey guys it's kamel nanjiani my new stand-up special night thoughts is now streaming on hulu i promise you're gonna laugh i am an immigrant

are there any other immigrants here

Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else.

Night Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.
That wasn't my call. If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call.

Terms apply.

Okay, so Francisco Grigo hired the guy

to kill the Reverend Crazy Eyes.

And he says he's hired by Francisco Grigo, who was the constable's uncle.

Okay, he was the con, I was picturing the constable older. Okay.

So the mob beats him up and they hang him from a telephone pole. Francisco.

They do that to Francisco.

Or the constable. They did it to the Francisco's.

The constable.

Yes. Okay.

I think it's the constable. There's too many people.

Imagine being me, motherfucker.

Yes. So they killed the constable.
Okay.

They hang him by the tree. And his last words were like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what is going on here then?

So that's all a bit much for Reverend McMain's. And he's like, oh.
And he leaves. Now, Francisco Grego, who also goes by poncho, claims the body the next morning.
Claims it. Claims, that's mine.
Yeah.

And it's taken to a Cimaroon cemetery for burial. Sure.

But before it's in the ground, Clay and his crew ride up and they told...

I want to fight it.

They told me, Rego, the constable could not be buried in the same cemetery as the man that he killed. Never told me.
That's fair. All right.
That's fair.

I was going to say, I'm not, it's crazy, obviously, but I'm like, I'm okay with that one. Yeah, that's a good rule.
Yeah, I mean, it's wild. Yeah.

You know, but I'd be like, yeah, look, he fucking killed him. I don't want him like his neighbor now.
But it's also like, it's the fucking desert. You'll bury him anywhere.
Yeah. It doesn't matter.

Yo, there's a lot of places to bury him. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Anyone. Hitchhikers, your buddy's dead, whatever you want to call it.

You can always find a spotlight.

But then Clay said you can't bury him in city limits. You've got to bury him a half a mile west.
Now he's being a bit much. No, I like it.
Okay, yeah, he's lost me. I'm like, just down the.

Set boundaries. Yeah, all right.

Later that day. Pennsylvania.

Later that day,

Grigo, the constable's son, and others start threatening townspeople. So they go to the St.
James Hotel, because that's where Clay is.

So Clay's there, and Grago accuses him of being part of the mob, lynching,

which you can sure he was. And Grego at the time is fanning himself with his hat.
Love that. Yeah.

Which is apparently an attempt to distract Clay as he's pulling his gun.

So Clay pulls his and shoots Crigo.

And they have to close the saloon for an inquiry. And locals said that closing the saloon was the worst thing that happened that day.

You know, the GM was in the back and he was on like the little whiteboard that says like 31 days without an injury.

So Clay and his crew go bananas over the next week. Okay.
They went into the offices of a paper and threatened the editor with a knife. They took over the St.
James Hotel.

While drinking, Clay stripped naked and did a war dance on the spot. He killed Riego.
Who was with him in this stuff? It's not like a time.

He likes to be naked. I know, but there's like...
Everybody's got their thing. I know, but we've all had that friend in our life and it's like, buddy, this is only for you.
Like, what are you?

Is that a knife? Everyone else is just enjoying a cake.

No, we had

a buddy in high school, and then everybody would get drunk, and then all of a sudden he'd walk through the party naked and be like, Craig. I know.

Dude, I?

I had a guy in high school, and you'd just like, everything would be fine, and then he'd be gone for 10 minutes.

It would be like Super, and he'd be like, why isn't Clark Kennon in the same room as Superman? And all of a sudden, here he'd walk in and be like, Jesus Christ, dude.

Blacked out naked. We'd be like,

okay.

Hey, sex tribe. Yeah.

So

they do a little war dance on the Swatty Phil Gregor.

At the time, he just had a red ribbon tied around his junk.

I don't know if I'm more out or in now.

I think in. It's hard.

Was it the holidays? Yeah. Okay.
It's got to be Christmas. Yeah.

So.

So I don't forget something.

On November 10th, he went to court for the shooting, but the charges were dropped. He was probably in the court, like, which shooting is this?

Later in town. You're going to have to be a little more specific.

Which Criego? Criego.

It was ruled that justifiable homicide, though.

Those are the best era.

And the court has taken everything into account.

And

he should have been murdered.

You're out to kill him. That's all right.
Well, it says here in the rules that if he looks at you funny, he was fanning himself with his hat.

I should have shot him. Unreal.
What took you so long? Kill him right now if he were here. Yeah, now this charge of nudity after I'm also going to wait because

who wouldn't celebrate a kill and have a ribbon?

You had a bit of a ribbon. You got your rib on.
You may leave, sir.

Now,

the guy, the constable named,

who he said did the killing, was now arrested in Elizabethtown.

And he said the constable was the one who shot the Reverend, and also that Mills and Dr. Longwell were behind it.
So now the Santa Fe Ring's coming in. Mills is the guy who's shot.
He's the lawyer.

Right, right, yeah.

So word spreads, and

the lawyer and doctor are other hundred. The lawyer barely escapes.
An angry lynch mob. Sure.
He bolts out of a coach and he runs off. Dr.

Longwell got to Fort Union just ahead of Clay and his brother John who were going after him. Uh-huh.

But then the guy, who the constable named for doing the killing of the Reverend, had a hearing and said Mills and Longwell had nothing to do with it. Ooh.
So they're all scout-free. That's good.

Smart. But he only said that

because they pointed a gun at him while he was being questioned.

Wait, who was questioning him?

The cops? The cops? And they were allowed to pull a gun on him? Answer the question?

Yeah, no, it's the mob. Okay, the mob was, and then he admitted to the mob at gunpoint.
Yeah. No, they didn't have nothing to do with it.
I don't know where anyone got that idea.

But anyway, Mills and Longville are the doctor and lawyer are clear. Right.

They're clear. Right.

So the gang doesn't believe that. They're like, that's fucking bullshit.
Right. Little gun story.
So they take him back to jail, and then there they shoot him.

I have a question about taking him back to jail.

Why? Why don't you take him to jail to shoot him? I don't know.

More official?

That guy was Mexican, by the way. And so now all the Mexican people in the area are pissed.
Okay.

And they want Clay dead.

And so now armed Mexican gangs are roaming looking for Clay.

So the sheriff hides Clay at a ranch. Here.

And

when Clay finally comes back, he was packing a lot of guns and he has 45 cowboys with him. What the fuck? Yeah.

And he was just hidden in a ranch? No, yeah, but for a while. For a while, and then he was like, oh, they got a crew.
Now he's like, let's go get the message. And we're like, fuck yeah.

Which is what always happens. Yeah, I was going to say, like, part of it is that, like, we like you, but the other part is racism is something we're big fans of as well.

So it's in our blood.

So it's total fucking chaos.

And there's a ringman and there's settler vigilantes and there's Mexicans. Plus the Mexicans ask the Native Americans to help them out.

And the Reverend McCain is recruiting more settlers to fight with Clay, so everyone's fucking picking sides.

Guards have to be stationed at every entrance to the town and no one can leave without Clay's permission. Jesus Christ.

On November 9th, 1875, the Santa Fe New Mexican wrote that Cimarona was in the hands of a mob. And this is what became known as the Colfax County War.

So now the governor.

My grandpa told me about that.

Oh, now I know.

Oh,

Cimaron.

I thought it sounded familiar. Yeah.

Yeah, clay and clay.

Yeah, oh my god.

Wow.

I didn't know that's where this would go. I didn't either.

Wow.

Now the governor. Uh-huh.
Governor Axtel?

Yep.

So the governor officially makes Colfax part of Taos County.

Yeah, Taos County. Taos County.
Yeah,

Taos. It was...

Shut the fuck up.

You good ass, boy.

Sit you straight.

He says he's doing that because it's all about law and order, but he is a Santa Fe ring guy. So the people are fucking pissed.

And on January 19, 1876, the News Press paper wrote a harsh article about Clay leading mob violence. So that night, Clay and two guys broke into the paper's office.
Stop talking shit.

Set off a charge and threw the press into the river. Oh, my God.
Fuck you. Wait.
Through the press? Yeah, the printing press. Okay.
Oh, yeah, all the press. Well, that's what I was picturing.

All right, Laporas.

One at a time. All right, now where's this lock nest mod?

Get the chopper.

We need to be taken in. Absolutely, the wrong year.
Oh, no. Oh, look at that.
A bunch of moles. What?

What are they?

Moles.

Moles? Moles.

You know, blind ground rats.

That sounds worried about why or why?

I was going to do a sound for them.

So you just brought them up randomly to do a mole sound?

Do a mole sound, yeah.

Upon further review, we

probably don't know what they sound like to the human ear.

Earth pigs.

Someone in here, someone listening right now is a mole. I don't know sounds like.

By the way. That's not a mole.
It's pretty much me.

I was...

Dear son, Reddit.

Save Anthony, Save Anthony. Mole.

On episode 147, Gareth talked about the star-nosed mole.

and the sounded mate!

These guys just hate each other's fucking guts now, it's so obvious.

You sold me to Gareth!

Gareth's hot.

So they throw everything into the river. The governor then said he, quote, intended to have Clay Allison indicted and punished or compelled to leave the county.
Say, that's damn.

This limit's just the county. He's the governor.
You can make him leave the whole fucking...

What's happening? What's happening?

He's a classic Democrat. I'll show you.

You're grounded for the weekend, mister.

And then they get into power. We're going to exterminate you.
Wait, what? What? No, that is decorum. What the fuck?

Oh, shit.

On February 21st, he offered a $500 reward for Clay, saying he was, quote, guilty of the crime of murder in the killing of Charles Cooper.

Okay, so that's the guy that he rode off with on the horse after Chuck got killed. Oh.
And Cooper was Charles. Oh, the one who went missing.
Yeah. Right.
We knew he killed him, but now he doesn't.

Of all the ones, he's like,

Cooper! That's the one. He's like, Cooper?

I don't even think I murdered him.

He met a Native American woman and married her. No!

I murdered Chunk. Shut the fuck up.
What the fuck? You call him Chunk?

Shouldn't you be allowed to kill a guy named Chunk?

Yes. Yes.

So

Cooper was a friend of that guy. Oh, good.
I was trying to explain that. So that was two years ago that Cooper disappeared.
Okay, so yeah,

so in May, the governor was passing through Simroon on the stagecoach, and Clay gets in. Oh, shit.
How Clay? I was just hoping to see you. Oh,

I was just writing your pardon.

He rode with the governor all the way. Excuse me, my dad will be furious.

He rode with the governor all the way to Trinidad, Colorado, and Clay questioned him about trying to end his freedom and put him in jail.

And the governor asked Clay why he didn't just surrender and face trial like a man.

And Clay said if he thought it would be a fair trial, he would, but he wouldn't, quote, submit to a real trial in Taos County by greasers. So he's racist.
Oh.

I can't believe a guy who's in the Confederate Army is

non-progressive.

But who's is he being racist against? Mexican. Okay.

Thank you.

I was picturing like John Travolta.

No, it's like, what does he even have against us?

We're just trying to fix cars.

What a crazy summer.

So the governor said he'd demand a fair trial, and a little while later, Clay turned himself in.

And the trial was held, and his defense was that there was

nobody, so

it was just an assumption he was dead, and he was acquitted. I get it.
Yeah, that's not, you can't really.

He's happy somewhere else.

In December, Clay and his brother, John, crashed a social in Las Alamas, Colorado.

And they were very drunk.

And they forced some of the women to dance.

Oh, you like it? Get a dance.

Forcing to dance is also... Come on.

But like...

Jesus Christ. Yeah!

Now you dip me.

Tango. Lambada.

Limbau!

Bunga!

A local deputy told them to remove their weapons and they refused. So the deputy, so he deputized two more guys.
I love that that ability to just do that. Yeah, hey, you, you, you're cops now.

Yeah, well, like, it's just the power to just be like, you three, cops, you two, also, cops, cops.

I'm the guy you were arresting. Oh, shit.

I'll deputize you. Oh, no.

You two, bad guys, also deputized.

Is that a spider web?

No, that's a mole.

Wait.

You shoot moles out of your hands?

Just keep reading.

You're so out of your element when it comes to hand mole stuff.

I believe it's called mole here, actually.

So the three deputies now walk back into the party, and someone goes... Those two guys are pretty fucking cool with deputies.

We didn't do shit.

Someone yells, look out. John goes for his gun and the deputy shoots him in the chest and arm and then Clay shoots and kills the deputy.

That means we're no longer deputies because you killed the man who made us deputies.

Deputy-in-law is very strange.

Much like vampire. Much like a vampire, Codes.

You are now back to your undeputized. Is this the deputy that sired you?

The deputy that sired you was past your reactor regular men.

Now you the one who killed the deputy who was deputizing other new deputizer.

CBS, Thursday's the deputizer.

I didn't ask for this power.

You've got a deputizer, boy.

John, come to bed. What are you doing? You're a deputy.
Oh, gosh.

Why? I don't know.

This pilot's alone.

I'm going to have to get that farmer gun out of here.

So the deputy falls, because he's been shot and killed. And that causes, he falls down and his shotgun goes off and his shotgun shoots John in the leg.
And the two newly deputized guys just run away.

Yeah, I mean,

they didn't train us for this.

They didn't train us for for anything. We were just getting drinks.

So Clay goes after them, but they got away. He comes back and he yells for a doctor.

You two are also doctors. Come on.

You're a nurse. You're a scalpel.
Get you.

He pulls the deputy's body over to John and said, quotes, look here, John, this is the SOB that shot you. Everything's going to be alright.
You will be well soon.

I don't know how him dying helps.

You take his life force. No, but he doesn't have any.

He doesn't have any.

He doesn't have any life force.

They're both arrested, but the charges will be dismissed on the grounds of self-defense.

And John recovers. Wow.

He was right. Yeah.

Now, Clay might have been tired of all the chaos. Sure.
So he sells his ranch on March 3rd, 1877, to John for $700.

and he goes to Hayes City, Kansas, where he settles down as a cattle broker. Cattle broker? Yeah, she's a beautiful.
Oh, Jesus Christ.

Is there any way to get meat around here?

Does anyone know of a place that holds meat?

I'm looking for city meat.

Do you have any meat that's mostly from the city? Hello, I'm the Surance Gent. I'm next door.

And I want to have a look over here.

I'm the meat mall.

I'm upstairs.

The Surance Gent and Meat Maw don't get along.

We're finally having it out in the streets. You're Assurance Gent.
You're Assurance Gent.

But our powers combined.

They just form one big guy.

Me.

True.

Meet Ma.

For those of you listening, it's also not killing here.

Oh, this is from Legends of America, too.

Oh, you can see him on there.

Yeah.

He was at this point very well known and feared all over the West. The papers always wrote when he visited Dodge City, about 100 miles away.

A local paper wrote, quote, His appearance is striking.

Tall, straight as an arrow, dark complexioned, carries himself with ease and grace, gentlemanly, and courteous of manner, never betraying by word or action the history of his eventful life.

Always naked. Got a ribbon around his nutshead.

Super weird. Thanks to tuck it.
Walk backwards. He says, Doesn't it remind you of Gonzo from the the Muppets?

So if Dodge City is obviously well known, everybody knows Dodge City. So Wyatt and Irp and all that shit.
Cattlemen were often robbed and shot and beaten up.

And the cattlemen said the marshals were pimps and gamblers and saloon men. So the law took cowboys' guns when they came to town.

And the Dodge Marshals had no problem shooting you if you got one through.

So it sounds like on one occasion Clay came to town with his crew and they went from saloon to saloon drinking as they do. Sure.
So, you know, clothes are coming off at some point.

Of course, absolutely.

And so White Earth and his marshals got ready.

But a big cattle owner who also owned a saloon got involved and talked to Clay's gang in hanging over their guns, which stopped an inevitable shootout with the Wyatt Earth gang.

So in 1880, Clay moved to Hemphill County, Texas, next door to his brother-in-law,

Lewis, and they had ranches, and there were often reports of the nonsense that Clay was up to. He's still doing the bullshit.

So sure enough, he rode nude through the streets, yelling that he was buying drinks at the saloon. We're good!

And the sheriff told Clay to get off his horse, but he spurred it to speed up and rode down Main Street.

It's awesome that he's wearing the boots.

It's a great look.

Then he got off, pointed his gun at the, so he's also holding his gun naked. Holding his gun, holding his gun while riding naked with spurs on.

Hey, you stop that. He got off, he pointed his gun at the sheriff and told him to go to the bar.

And then he made the sheriff drink until he couldn't stand, and then he rode off.

That's pretty good.

I mean, I'd rather that than what we're dealing with now with cops. That's like, just like if you could just fill them full of whiskey, be like, ah, yeah.

You bit of a clown.

In October 1833, he sold his ranch, and he and Dora moved to the Seven Rivers. I can't believe him and Dora made it.

Place just

as if she could leave.

You mean because he's so appealing.

They moved to the Seven Rivers region in New Mexico, and on August 9th, 1885, they had a daughter, Patty Dora. In the summer of 1886, he finished a cattle drive to Cheyenne, Wyoming.

He had a toothache, though, and he went to a local dentist. Oh, no.

That guy's going to die. Yeah.

Called a cabin. Like, fuck it is.

The dentist was scared shitless because it was Clay Allison. And as he started working, Clay realized it was the wrong tooth and bolted it out of the office and went to find a different dentist.

That dentist managed to pull the correct tooth and after Clay went back to the first dentist and held him down in the chair and pulled a a molar with a pair of four sides.

Well, how do you teach him a lesson?

How has he learned?

Wow.

That's fucking great revenge. I'm not going to lie.
Just on like a base level. Yeah.
That's pretty great.

Also, how the fuck, like, wouldn't you be like, no, that one doesn't hurt. He's like, this one?

His next dennis was like, I'm pretty sure it's this one. Get it red.

So then he started trying to pull a second molar, and the dentist was screaming. Oh, the fuckies.
Oh, my God.

One's plenty. I'm going to take your wisdom teeth out, otherwise they're going to get all janky up front.

You thank me later.

So the dentist was screaming, and a bunch of men came running and pulled Clay off the dentist. But obviously no punishment.
They were like, all right, thanks for coming to town.

Do you want want to book your next appointment

the allisons moved once more to uh pecos texas yeah 50 miles south of the new mexico border on july 1st 1887 clay was taking supplies on a wagon

to his ranch when a big sack of grain fell clay tried to stop it but ended up falling off the wagon and the wheels of the wagon rolled over clay and broke his neck can you do that to the tune of the wheels on the bus go round

And the wheels on the wagon went over clay.

And then the wheels on the wagon went over clay.

He died from grain.

Do you think of all the fucking shit this dude went through? A bag of grain killed him?

A fucking bag of grain. Did you get the fuck off big grain? He was like shooting it.

The greater the rubber bad

grain.

And then, cut to him as a little boy. His dad takes his last breath

and he looks at his father, whose head falls on a bag of grain.

And Clay goes, I hate you, Grain.

And then the grain made that classic grain sound.

So when he falls

and the wagon rolls over and breaks his neck, then the horse is reared up and this caused the wagon, which was almost just like a seat on a board,

it almost decapitates him basically.

Broke a neck and then almost decapitated him.

I love the horse. It's like, back up, do it again.

One more.

I've won the horse, you son of a bitch.

You fucking broke people.

And some Mexican horses from South Africa. Oh, okay, okay.
I'm getting a little bit of a romantic. Do you know what? They were playing the long game.

Are you talking to me or? Yes!

Feels like you were. Okay, sorry about that.

He died 40 miles outside of Pegos and he was 47. Wow.

That is a rough 47, bro.

He's probably like like 43 there or something.

Oh, Wowie.

Jesus Christ.

Apparently, hundreds of people went to his funeral, and his second daughter, Clay Pearl Clay, was born seven months after... Pearl Clay? Pearl Clay.

Seven months after he died. And Dora ended up getting remarried.

She did? Yeah.

She's only 20 or whatever.

She's literally 25, so she died. Cool, that's awesome.
He's dead. That was crazy.
Now I can pick someone.

Sources, Legends of America.

Ah, I remember.

Clay Allison, Portrait of a Shooter by Chuck Parsons.

A Sun Death in Simaroo by Philip Rush. And the Ford County Historical Society.
Computer Story.

And the Ribbon Cock. And the Ribbon Cock.

Ribboncock's going to come back. Yeah.

Tyribran, the old man's cock.

Wow, lucky name. Those are your people.
Yeah.

Wow, that was a lot of murder.

That's a lot of murder. That was a lot of murder.
A lot of murder.

All justified.

You know, the thing is the wheel card. It's crazy how many Confederates and stuff moved to the West and just started doing the same racist shit here.

I don't have help.

So, what happens when you go around to talk to that area?

I think that was the mole bird.

What the fuck did I do?

Moleberg.

Oh, fuck. Well, we should probably get out of here because we do have a second show, right? What time is the second show at?

10. Eight minutes.

Oh.

Wait, is that clock wrong? Yeah. Yeah.
That's fucking hilarious.

They're for us.

You're like, yep, we've been watching it the whole time.

Well, I'll tell you what, we drove around today, and Daylight Savings was like, we actually don't work here. So

the fucking clocks are going backwards. It's like we were in a dolly painting.
We were like, wait, what time is it? We lost a half an hour ago. Yeah.

They were like, you're in. Arizona doesn't really.
Arizona does Hawaiian time. So,

fuck it.

But, well, we have another show next. We're doing an old story, but we really don't remember shit from it.
So if you're so inclined, stick around. If not, appreciate y'all coming out.

Thank you guys very much. Enjoy the rest of the night.

Hey guys, it's Kamal Nanjiani. My new stand-up special, Night Thoughts, is now streaming on Hulu.
I promise you're gonna laugh.

I am an immigrant.

Are there any other immigrants here?

Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else.

My thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.
That wasn't my call. If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call.
Terms apply.