117 - The Past Times with Lee Camp

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All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Each week, we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, the Great and the Academy.

Welcome back, Lee.

Thank you.

I've missed you guys.

Nervous?

Very, very?

Very?

This is big.

We got to reach.

We got to reach.

Lee, you have your show, Unredacted, is now on YouTubes.

Yeah, it's on YouTube.

It's a little bit everywhere.

I brought back my

show, my TV show, my comedy news show, Redacted Tonight, but it's called Unredacted Tonight.

And it's completely independent this time.

Is this one Russian misinformation or is this not Russian misinformation?

We did have one person tell us that we had on a Russian misinformation.

I did eight years of Russian misinformation.

And now I've done.

I've finished my term in the Gulags.

Good.

And

I've been gone from RJ for three years, and this is completely independent.

And it's just me losing a lot of money is what it is now.

Is it true in Russia that Google's called Gulag?

Yes, that is true.

Okay, I thought so.

When does the show, where can people find it?

Because I watched the last episode and as always, am just tremendously impressed with what you do, but also also that you write all of it.

And

it's great.

Aw, shucks.

It airs 7 p.m.

Eastern, 4 p.m.

Pacific on Thursdays.

What's your YouTube?

Yeah, it's youtube.com/slash

moment of clarity.

It depends.

Okay.

Back to the media.

Back to media.com slash moment of clarity.

Everything YouTube has done to you, you're...

Well, you've got a choice.

They're still the biggest platform unfortunately.

They erased, for those who don't know, they erased the Redacted Tonight YouTube channel, which had a quarter million subscribers and all the videos are gone and it's banned around the world.

So, yeah.

Well,

you know, energy's up.

We're feeling good.

You know what?

You could get it back.

Just reach out to Trump.

Yes.

Yeah, because you're not.

I'm telling you.

Let me just, in case YouTube is an issue, linktree.com slash LeeCamp.

Just go there.

Okay.

There we go.

That's better.

All right, Lee.

Well, I don't know if you remember, but we like to guess what year this newspaper might be from.

Seems like you didn't.

But

you get to guess first.

I mean, again, it could be anytime, really.

Anytime.

I would favor when America existed.

America existed.

Okay.

Not Turtle Island.

You mean?

It could be the Turtle Island Times.

Okay.

I'll go 18.

It's a good guess.

98.

It's a great guess.

It's a great guess, Lee.

How is that a great guess?

What are you talking about?

He said to Right in the zone.

What's in the zone?

He's in the zone.

He's right in the zone, gentlemen.

Say your really bad answer, and we'll move on.

1908, 10 years later.

That's part of it.

You're wrong.

You're wrong, Gareth.

You are wrong.

Is he right?

Because otherwise

he's been isolated.

I'm wrong.

Gareth has to leave now, right?

No.

The year?

The year is 1891.

Oh, all right, Lee.

So he's right.

He's not

he was closest.

Dave, I've literally gotten it right two times, Lee.

The reaction's been less than this.

Well, the not a big hog in high five.

No, you can get it.

You can get the number right,

but if the vibe is wrong, makes no sense.

It's called tough love, Garth.

Where's the love part?

It's just tough.

Thursday, April 23rd, 1891.

The Sioux City Journal, Sioux City, Iowa.

So this is going to be very Native American.

It's going to favor the Native American.

This is Turtle Island.

Turtle Island Times.

It says Turtle Island Times.

This is, yeah, this is one of the many cities we named after the people that we killed.

The

first head.

Yes, liberated.

The first headline.

Well, it's a three-headliner.

The mayor took a drink.

He said it was cider, cider but Des Moines

Des Moines Marshall says it was loaded death lurking in the water that's the wait

lauded or whatever is that what it is lauded loaded how's that spelled loaded like a loaded gun like l-o-a alcohol oh so he drank loaded a loaded

does loaded mean alcohol it must mean like a ton of Yeah.

I know you guys have said this before on these episodes.

There was not much to talk about in the news back then.

That's correct.

Sometimes.

Absolutely correct.

They'll get you, though.

Sometimes they'll be like, horse murdered man.

And you're like, whoa.

But for the most part, no, it is like, you do kind for this time.

The mayor took a drink.

The mayor took a drink.

It's a big news.

It's big news.

Well, yeah.

The local papers are filled with sensational articles today insinuating that Mayor Campbell was either drugged or drunk yesterday afternoon and giving publicity to all sorts of sensational rumors

how great is it to drug the mayor oh if you could pull that off we should do it all the time all mayors

although the mayor of new york seems drugged pretty often i would not say that the mayor of la seems not drugged

is this saying that someone else drugged the mayor because

that's probably his camp floating that out there because he was shit-faced, just like,

you know, my wife goes both ways.

People are like, all right, Mr.

Mayor, it's time to.

They were like putting his coat on him.

Smell my finger.

Is that part of the.

It's been in his bottom.

Oh, okay.

I was wondering if that was part of the mayor character.

Yeah.

That's part of the.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's mayor's.

Oh, okay.

I thought you said that.

But also, if we weren't on Zoom, potentially.

Zoom is introducing a smell your finger option.

That's crazy.

Is that under settings?

Yeah, settings.

The facts seem to be that Mayor Campbell and Alderman Smith went over to the fifth ward about 10 o'clock yesterday morning to look for dumping ground.

Look for dumping ground?

Look for dumping ground.

Okay, sure.

They were accompanied by James O'Callahan and James Hagerman.

They drove all to the bottom on the east side, inspecting different locations, and they drank a glass of sweet cider at a grocer's named Johnson without unpleasant effect.

Later, they drank a glass at a little grocery store.

Unpleasant effect is such a crazy way to be that's how you say it.

They felt it.

I know.

How does one pick

the best dumping ground?

Is it just like Native American walking through it?

I mean, especially

Dave, you always say you want to see a lot of road signs and barbed wires.

That's yeah, yeah.

I want to, yeah, I want to see

roadkill and uh I want to see dead animals.

Yeah, okay.

I want to see, I want.

The main thing is

when you're standing there and it's very quiet, you want to see a paper blow through.

Smash tumbleweed.

Yeah,

it's almost like nature saying this is your spot.

Yeah, it's sweet.

It's a nice way to get away.

And sometimes he tells his wife that he's going to go to the dump and he'll just go to a landfill and smoke cigarettes for hours.

He's told me off air.

I got to think about stuff.

And the dump's the best place to do that.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Yeah, plus, they give you a lollipop if you act like a child.

Why don't you keep reading?

People probably don't remember.

That's an old, that's a thing that us old people remember.

If you went to the dump, they is that actually true?

They did you a lollipop at the dump?

That is absolutely fucking boring.

Maybe it was just our dump.

I thought that was a dump thing.

See, they give it a dump.

There's a guy who ran the dump and he'd give out lollipops to the kids.

He was trying to kill you.

You know, he was with my dad.

My dad was probably trying to kill me.

See, they give the only place around here that gives my kid a lollipop is the wine store, which is nice because it's like the

haggard dad comes in with the kid to get some whiskey and the kid gets a lollipop.

It's lovely.

It's a family hook.

Here you go.

We know your dad's not there.

Have this.

Absentee father tastes sweet.

You like cherry?

I want a dad.

Have a cherry one.

You know what are interesting things is when you tell a story of your childhood from the 70s and midway through, you realize, oh, that wasn't everybody.

Or how about this where you're like, oh, that's abuse.

Like, you'll be going through it.

Ah, they always put me in a cold tub to just teach me a lesson.

Everyone's like, what?

You're like, remember when you were a boy and your dad throw you in a cold tub just to kind of teach you a lesson?

You'd get so cold you'd shiver and turn blue?

Do you remember when they'd slap you in a web sock when you said their first name, right?

Everybody?

Yeah.

Did everyone else have a timeout attic

where they could lock it from the outside and you'd have to go there?

So later they took, later they drank a glass at a little grocery store.

Oh, I already said that.

After which, oh, no, I didn't.

This is a different one.

Later, they drank a glass at a little grocery store at the south end of East 8th Street, after which the mayor became deathly sick and sleepy, vomiting and falling into a stupor.

So they're framing drunk as death's door.

Also, did they notice the reporter behind them shotting down every glass of liquor they have?

That's so fun.

By the way, if you're drinking at 10 a.m., it means you haven't stopped, not that you're beginning.

Potentially for sure.

Yes.

Potentially for sure is my new album, by the way.

They changed drivers at the stable a little afternoon and returned to the stable between 2 and 3.

The marshal, learning the condition of the mayor, got into the hack and drove about the city till evening.

And by that time, the mayor had recovered sufficiently to be taken home.

They sober drove him around for hours.

That's what they did to Yeltsin.

This guy.

They totally did that to Yeltsin.

They'd be sitting on the tarmac with Yeltsin.

They'd be like, how close is he to being able to do the handshake on the program?

We're about five to six hours away from him to be handshakeable.

And then he doesn't even do the handshake.

He just dances.

Yeah, he came out there and like, give him the finger.

They'd be like, that's all we're going to get today.

You got got the finger and dance.

Yeah, you just come out and be like, I want to see my nutsack.

Horace, get in the limo.

You know, they do that same thing with Trump because he's high off Spray Tanner or whatever.

We got to wait.

We've got to wait 15 minutes.

But you're doing him the favor of assuming the whole body looks like that.

Yeah.

I refuse to believe that when he gets naked, it's just pale and shitty and pink, and then the face is just the color of a pancake.

Listen, you turn that body orange, it doesn't change how disgusting it is.

No, well, especially if you're lifting up his titties.

Mr.

President, can we spray orange under your tits?

No, but he it doesn't though because he puts it on himself, and so there's just areas of white, like yeah, his back is like completely white with like hand prints.

No, he sprays it on a pole and then rubs his back like how a bear itches himself.

Yeah,

oh, joy.

Uh, Marshall Stutzman says this morning, morning, Mayor Campbell was not intoxicated.

He is.

This is the guy picking up the pieces.

This is the press secretary, basically.

Yeah.

He is the victim of one of the most damnable plots ever concocted.

When I heard of the affair, I went in and found him lying in the hack, as pale as a cloth.

His eyes were clear, and he had no appearance of having been drinking.

He was simply intensely sleepy.

On the dastardly plot was to follow him around pretending he was drinking.

Well, to say he's drugged, basically, or something, or he's just super tired.

It always amazes me how long the bullshit's been going on.

Because if there's any time to just be like, yeah, the mayor got shit-faced, and that would come across as relatable, I would imagine.

It's like 1898.

People be like, fuck yeah, that's our guy.

This was a big temperance time.

Oh, was it?

In places like Iowa for sure.

Yeah.

It was headed into prohibition, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, prohibition.

When was prohibition?

I think it's

the 20s.

Oh, that's what I thought.

Okay.

But it took a while to get cooking.

But places, places leading up to the national one, but if you can imagine this happening with something else today, leading up to the

national ban, there were state bans and local bans.

Strange.

Have you guys ever talked about the fact that the U.S.

government poisoned certain like alcohol shipments because they knew people were stealing them?

like Sterno or something.

Yeah, I haven't done that.

And so

they poisoned some of them and literally killed people.

Yeah.

Well, they were doing an illegal thing, Lee.

Maybe you shouldn't.

Maybe you shouldn't be drinking.

Did you ever think about that?

That'll teach him.

His days of drinking are done.

He's passed away.

You've got a fair point there.

I told him I knew he had been drugged.

Not wishing to alarm his wife, I had him driven around till evening.

Should that, well, that's what you do when a man's been drugged.

You drive him around all night so his wife doesn't see him.

Absolutely.

That's what they say.

The first thing to do is elevate his legs and drive him around for five to six hours.

And in 1898, what kind of vehicle are we talking about?

Is this horse and buggy driving around?

Yeah,

it's a horse and

the horses are like, we passed this place.

Where's this guy going?

Can you drunk drive on a horse and buggy?

I think that's fine.

You have to be.

That's fine.

I mean, imagine the first fucking crash in a horse and buggy from being drunk.

Buddy, how did you not?

He saw us coming like a mile and a half away.

And the horse.

The horses were trying to stop.

Yeah.

Yeah, right.

He's like, go.

How did you hit that at three miles an hour?

Go.

If he had been intoxicated, he would have been all right after vomiting.

This is some investigative stuff, man.

You're digging deep on this.

He's just digging a hole for the mayor.

Stop talking.

After getting over the attack, he showed every sign of having just come out from under the influence of opium or some drug of that sort.

Okay, now you're not helping him.

Yeah.

Well, he clearly, I mean, yeah, just like alcohol.

Yeah.

Mayor Campbell was at his office today, apparently, as well as usual.

He said, quote, some of my overzealous friends, and I believe they are real friends, are making a mountain out of a a molehill in this matter.

I hired the carriage of O'Callaghan and Hagman, who is a German newspaper correspondent.

I drank two glasses of cider, which did not agree with the medicine I had been taking for the grip.

So he had the flu.

Okay.

God, so good.

Look, if there's one day

to take some hits from the flask, it's the dump sight picking day.

That's

the day.

You get to get shit-faced on the day you're looking for a dump.

I also like that he so he can admit to having some, but just not getting hammered.

Yeah, he drank two glasses.

He's saying there's no way two glasses of cider got me drunk.

I'm an alcoholic.

It wouldn't hit me.

It wouldn't hit me like that.

I'm saying he was already drunk when he got there.

He was poisoned most of the time.

It made me deathly sick and sleepy.

That is all there is to it.

And this talk of a conspiracy to drug me is without a particle of foundation.

There was no room for any crooked work.

I took a smoke, but when offered whiskey, declined, saying I never drank.

Right.

So this is when cider's not drinking, but whiskey is drinking.

These are the days.

These are the days.

It's like gaming.

The drones, the amount of wine, where they're like, more water?

And Lee, do you remember the

ads that they had when they had that Let's Stop People from Drinking period, which was

70s, 80s or something?

But the guy would be, it was a guy that would come on in one of these little promos and he would say, I was drinking, I was drinking, you know,

18, 24 beers a day, and thinking to myself, it's just beer.

And everyone was like, what's happening right now?

You were

drinking how much?

24.

That's like a hobby.

That's a hobby.

You have to really, like, that's something you compete.

That's like competitive boozing.

Like, you're trying to win something.

O'Callahan tasted it and smelled it and remarked that the stuff would kill a man and threw it under the seat.

That's not how you do that.

You don't go like, that'd kill a man.

You're like, that'd kill a horse.

You don't just say what you are.

Like, you got to be hyper.

You got to

escalate it comedically.

That'd kill a me.

You want a rhino.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

You're like, that'd take down a family of giraffes.

Okay.

That would kill me.

Your notes on this story is that O'Callahan wasn't good enough with comedy.

I don't love the clips.

He threw it under the seat, but the party twice asked me to drink after I got sick.

Did I know that they drove to the livery stable and changed drivers?

No, but I went to sleep in the back.

And that may have been done while I was...

While I was asleep.

Sir, stop talking.

That's my statement.

Did I need to eat my throw up with my hands like I was drinking water from a waterfall?

No.

Should we mention his publicist was smashed when he was saying this stuff?

Smith and O'Callaghan deny any intention to disgrace the mayor.

So they're putting it on the fucking

cab company or whatever it is.

Okay.

So it's either he was he's saying he wasn't drugged, but he also wasn't drunk.

He had two siders that disagreed with his medication.

Yeah, that's it.

Was this a time when being drunk as the mayor would have gotten him fired as the mayor?

It would have gotten him, yeah, it would have gotten him in a lot of trouble because I think he's that he was saying he's not a drinker.

And he's still not a drinker because he wasn't drinking whiskey, he was just drinking cider, which is essentially like what babies drank back then.

That is, that's what comes out of your mind.

Putting the baby bottle, right?

Yeah.

And now, some international news.

Right away.

So, really, not a lot going on.

Nope.

That was it.

That's

nothing.

All right.

Now to Belgium.

The latest from Chile.

Great Britain has trouble in Africa.

Portugal in turmoil.

Fava at home.

We're not going to read all that.

I love Great Britain has trouble in Africa.

What a good way to put it.

Yeah.

One's a continent.

Just like it does, just Africa.

Just doesn't matter.

There are some struggles over there.

I don't want to get into it, but there's been some land pushback from certain people.

Captain Pratt of the Bark On away, which arrived from Coleta, Buna, Chile,

says the rebels had everything their own way when he left there.

The chief source of revenue for the government, the nitrate mines,

it's a nitrate mine.

That I don't know.

Okay.

Is in the hands of the insurgents, and President Baal Meseda and the cabinet are unable to secure money.

Their friends are becoming disheartened

and their towns are being burned.

Yeah.

Well, that's very disheartening.

Those two are tied together.

Okay.

Nitrate is a chemical compound of nitrogen and oxygen.

So is this the time when there was like lacking nitrogen in the soils?

Maybe.

Yeah.

Maybe they have nitrate.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's still a thing, right?

Gareth knows exactly what we're talking about.

This is when they were trying to, is my mic on?

This is when they were trying to get much more nitrate inside of the soil.

Yes.

Jeff Gareth, can you tell us a little more about that?

Yeah, yeah.

So they went into the soil.

Is my mic working?

I can't even tell.

Yeah, okay, yeah.

So they went into the, so a lot of the farm, and thank you for tossing that this way, Lee.

Yeah, yeah.

So sorry about that.

So a lot of the soil they were discovering was low on a lot of minerals and compounds.

The guy Lee said.

Yes, they were lying on compounds.

They found a lot of nitrate in the mines.

I will in one second.

I got to get going in one minute here, guys.

But so they were discovering, really, already.

I got to take a phone call.

Why are you sweating so much?

I don't know.

I'm wearing this hat.

It's inside.

So, yeah, I should go.

But there was a lot of nitrate in the soil.

Finish this story.

I'm going to take this call.

Be right back.

Thank you.

Why'd you just lean over?

Huh?

By the way,

I'm on the toilet.

You said you were going to, you had to do somewhere to go, and then you just leaned over.

Well, it's a counsel.

I have a council here.

I'm having my counsel.

Council.

I'm talking to my council.

My hand.

I have a hand.

Hand council.

Yeah.

Right-hand man.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Their friends are becoming disheartened.

I got muted.

No, you nailed that.

Their friends are becoming disheartened, and their towns are being burned.

They have virtually imprisoned the president and his disgusted army.

The words they're using are amazing.

It's like

they got to the D part of the.

And those residents who have been compelled to stand by them are sadly in need of food and ammunition.

I mean, this sounds like they're fucked.

Everything's being burned down and they don't have any guns and food.

Like, it's not good.

Things are good.

And yet,

it's written in a way that I'm supposed to be on the side of the oppressors.

And

I'm thinking good for them.

Yes.

Burnt.

Yeah.

That's what I'm thinking.

No, that's a very common theme with our papers.

Yeah.

And then here's Portuguese.

Fear of Portuguese Revolution.

A correspondent of the Times at Madrid Madrid says that grave anxiety is felt over the state of affairs in Portugal.

He expresses fears that a revolution is about to break out, in which event the lives of foreigners will be endangered.

Oh, no.

So what we already know based on the skew of the last one that that this probably means there's some probably occupying people who are going to try to take their place back

would be my guess.

Oh, so that's the way that's what we mean by foreigners is

like

yes, the colonizer, whatever.

No, I think that I think they're saying that people who are there from like Britain.

Right, but that's sort of like when they're like, when they, when it's like, they'll be like, listen, everyone in the embassy, leave Iran or like something like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not looking good for us anymore.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because I heard foreigners, I was like, you mean the tourists are in trouble?

That's what you're like, well, it could

be like some British people like, gosh, I was by the pool this morning.

This pipe's come up and he's told me, you know, and they're like, well, why are they so mad now?

All of a sudden, these people aren't giving me our turkey legs.

This is adorable.

This is the difficulty Britain's having in Africa.

Yes, exactly.

Same thing.

I tell you, all of a sudden, the milk has turned with these people.

For some reason, they want a living wage and a home again.

It's awful what they've done to us.

We're going to be out of nitrates by June.

We need to get more bloody nitrates.

They eat it.

The British are so sickly they eat nitrates.

That's nice.

That's what happened to the teeth.

That's

nitrates.

It's our fluoride.

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The Crow Cleveland ate.

Gareth, you want to take a guess?

Uh-uh.

No?

It didn't taste good, and he partially denies swallowing it.

Cleveland is a guy?

Yeah.

Ex-President Cleveland.

Who had an opportunity to read his views on the silver question as printed yesterday said this morning to a reporter, quote, I have read the report, and it seems to me that it has been embellished and expressions put into my mouth never uttered by me.

While some of the opinions may be regarded as partly my views upon the subject of silver coinage, yet there are many other expressions credited to me that would require considerable weeding out before the supposed conversation could be strictly termed an accurate report.

You know we're disappointed.

I mean, isn't it amazing just how differently presidents spoke back then?

Like, that would Trump and be like, didn't say it, lies, lies, lies.

That'd be it.

That'd be the whole.

Well, the guy who said it's an idiot, first.

He lied.

Idiot.

He ate pro.

Well, we all used to, like the whole, anytime you write.

The whole culture.

Yeah.

Everybody's like, doesn't speak as well.

We're dumber.

We're dumber people.

Well, you also used to, you used to get busted.

Toads, totes, totes.

Like.

But you also, they also used, like, you do miss the days when, like, they would get caught and be like, god damn it, I got to resign.

Now you're like, they're not going to do anything.

They'll just simply be like, fuck you.

No, I didn't do it.

And if I did, fuck off.

I didn't do it.

Oh, you could prove it.

All right.

Fuck you.

Threw oranges at them.

Finally.

They spelled it Ponoma, California, but it's Pomona.

Sure.

So we'll give them that.

The presidential.

I'm going to.

Is it too late?

Let them know.

Is it too late?

Dave's in the next week one.

Wait, What is time?

If we could write letters to these people.

Oh.

Letter from the future.

And maybe that soon city tribune will write a retraction.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

We've got a letter from the future.

It's correcting our spelling.

That's all it is.

Great, Scott.

The presidential party made a short stop here this afternoon.

Only two hours' notice had been given, but the whole town turned out and the president made a brief speech.

Two hours.

Oh my god.

Okay, that is so.

So they fucked up.

They fucked up.

They must have,

you don't just all, a president just also goes somewhere with two hours' notice and give a speech.

Maybe he was trying to sell a thing.

Yeah, he might be hammered.

Yeah.

Yeah, I feel like Trump would do that, though.

That feels like he, that, that.

Because he sells tickets.

This whole thing is about making money off the rallies.

That's true, yeah.

Yeah.

That's true.

And he only speaks in places where he can be on a stage that's 900 feet from any other living human being because he doesn't want to be near anyone.

Because he loves them.

He's not at waffle houses hugging babies.

No, he's not.

No, no.

Remember when Biden went to the waffle house after he lost the debate, though?

Oh.

He was like, how that do?

And everyone's like, yes.

You should lay down.

Put syrup in him.

See what happens.

It'd be great if he was campaigning while laying down.

How great would it be if he was still campaigning?

Nobody told him he lost and he was out.

He's still on the road.

I don't think they have.

I think he's at a nursing home right now, thinking he's president.

Talking to plants.

We got to get going, man.

Oh, my God.

There's no way he lasts four years, and just having Trump talk about him after he dies is going to make liberals' heads explode.

He's as sleepy as he's ever been.

The sleepiest Joe Biden.

Someone told me it was an open casket.

You couldn't even tell.

It looked like he looked like it when he was campaigning.

Can you imagine Trump at his funeral?

Just like

some reason.

Rolling his eyes on his phone.

He's lazy.

He's just lazy.

Trump tweeted during the funeral that the Super Bowl should be moved to Mar-Lago.

He said the audience would have to excuse him from extended remarks as he had been subjected to such a strain that his brain needs irrigation to put it in trim again.

What?

The references to irrigation was loudly cheered.

It's talking about booze.

He's talking about booze.

This is what I would imagine.

So many euphemisms for booze back then.

I love the irrigation one.

That is awesome.

I need to go self-irrigate.

Yeah.

But I would imagine that you would be like, I would think at this time, I mean, as any time, that if you are running on, like,

I like to get wet, like, people would be like, fuck yeah.

Yes, 100%.

Yeah.

That's why, like, the mayor was like, just be like, I got shit faced.

Yeah.

Because it depended on whether you had staked your reputation on not being a drinker or something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

Well, yeah, like, yeah.

Like today.

If your whole thing is that gay people shouldn't exist and then you're in a bathroom stall paying for sex from a man.

Or you're the head of the Child Protective Committee or whatever it was called, and it turned out he was a pedophile.

Sure.

Wasn't it Congressman Foley or something?

Sure, why not?

People aren't going to cheer that one, though.

No, not.

Yeah.

Ike, I've been on the road all day, and I can really use a boy.

Oh, my God.

I like a boy as much as the next man.

I had five kids in my car this morning.

We drove here together.

I let one of them drive.

Although, the way things are going, that might actually happen.

Honestly,

wouldn't that be crazy if like Don Jr.

was like marrying a 16-year-old?

Stop!

Jesus Christ!

Stop!

Let him live.

No, brother.

We are.

The

references to irrigation was loudly cheered.

Postmaster General Wanamaker and Secretary Rusk also spoke.

The speakers were showered with roses and presented

with mammoth naval oranges.

Awesome.

And the headline was through oranges at them.

So they didn't.

So the headline was salacious.

That didn't even, they handed oranges to them.

Yeah, the headline was a fucking lie.

Because if you could go fucking, if you could go heave oranges at politicians, that would be awesome.

I think that happened back then, but this one was not.

That would be great.

These were loving oranges.

Just to hit Rick Scott with a melon.

Fucking cantaloupe.

Throw cantaloupe fucking cantaloupe at Rick Scott's cantaloupe.

Wow.

I think we'd be living in a different reality now if that shoe had hit George Bush.

Yep.

It just hadn't ducked.

I'll tell you, one of the greatest moments, probably my greatest moment on Twitter was when I tweeted something along those lines of like, whatever, like

it might have been the anniversary.

I was like, you know, I just, oh, how he deserved to get hit by that shoe or something like that.

And the guy who threw the shoes on Twitter and he

sub-tweeted me.

He was like, I tried my best or something like that.

I was like, oh my God, what?

And he's been like a year or two in prison for that.

Yeah.

Yeah, he did.

Yeah.

And then he was like, but then I was like, Twitter is still okay with me.

This guy and I are connecting.

That was pretty great.

Yeah.

It was awesome.

It was, it really was upsetting how good he was at dodging the second shoe.

It's because he used to own a baseball team.

That's right.

Yeah, it's because he doesn't self-arrigate anymore.

You know, if a shoe flies by you, you should always expect a second one coming.

Yep.

That's so true.

I guess it's a good lesson of life.

Now, if there was only a third, if only it was a third shoe.

Can I throw your shoe?

Unless it's a one-legged man who threw a shoe.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or a guy just came with shoes.

Jesus Christ.

What is this?

A payless?

Stop, dude.

It's sad.

That's our only hero from the

Iraq War.

Nope.

That's what I think if there's another one.

There's not.

What's your name?

Cindy Sheehan.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Mafia Investigation.

The grand jury is looking into the New Orleans necktie party.

Murderer Ford will hang a woman's strange crime.

Okay, well, those are all together for some reason.

The criminal district court is crowded each day.

270 prominent citizens have been summoned before the grand jury to testify relative to the lynching of the Italian prisoners at the parish prison.

As the witnesses do not include the leaders of the mob or the men who took part in it, the conclusions are that the grand jury summoned the witnesses for the purpose of learning the public feeling about the affair and whether or not the mob represented public sentiment in the action it took.

Oh, so the mob killed their own guys, I think.

And so they're and they're saying they're allowed to do that.

Well,

I think that's the thing is they're like, is this okay?

Did the mob do good?

Could you imagine courts ever caring about public sentiment?

No.

How do you feel about this?

Well, we should probably consider what the people want.

Imagine.

That would be incredible.

But yeah, so the mob is basically saying, the mob's going to mob.

Yeah, well, that's what we do.

You guys like?

What do you want?

It is highly probable that you're gonna be able to do it.

Do you think there was an Italian guy in the mob?

No.

No.

If there was, Dave.

It's a spassy meatball.

We get paid $50 every time he says that.

By who is it?

Meatball comes.

Meats are there.

It's pretty sad.

Arrested my kiss.

Arrested my kiss.

A spassy meatball.

All right, Dave.

You're going to lose the money.

Fubu pays us every time we.

I don't know why.

It's actually, remember quibby it's from we don't know why but quibby pays us 50 times 50 every time dave sends a spicy meatable ball it's the only thing they're still funding apparently they still have a little money in the kitty and it goes to dave's meatballs

uh it is highly probable that the grand jury will not be ready to file its report for a week or more the report will be a long and exhaustive one it is understood uh giving the full history of the mafia in new orleans

the report is likely to be a strong presentation of the citizens explanatory of why the grand jury has refused to find any indictments against the men who engaged in the lynching detective amaley talks defiantly and says the people who called for his apprehension

yep yep apprehension called for his apprehension are now sorry they have got him they'll be glad to get rid of him but they can't and he will yet have them pillaried as murderers of innocent and helpless men.

The Italians did not kill Hennessy, Amali adds.

Hennessy's last words were: Never mind me, catch Devereux, not catch the Dagos, as has been reported.

Those are going to be my last words.

Wait, they hanged all these people because they thought one dude said, Catch the Dagos.

No, no, wait, guys, that's not what I said.

Wait, wait,

I said, as the day goes,

as the day goes.

Oh, my God.

Oh, fuck.

It really is.

It's this is why we do the podcast.

I didn't say WAPs.

I said doo-wop.

Do what?

Do up.

Doo-wop.

Three out of the 45 Sicilians who arrived yesterday were arrested before midnight for carrying murderous knives.

Murderous knives.

I love that length.

No, that's for cutting salami.

This is the one you want.

Yo, come on, that's my garlic knife.

Chill.

And they said they arrived that day, so it took them less than a day to get arrested.

Well, three of the 45.

Yeah, that's right.

Three of them were like,

that's not for cutting.

The Italian consul says he has proof that all but two of the men lynched were Italian subjects.

Some had registered and voted, but this was due to ignorance of the law on their part and to sharp practices on the part of the politicians.

This could not alter their status as Italian citizens.

Oh, there was a big

I feel like there was a big

Italian murder thing that happened around this time in New Orleans, and then everyone started killing the Italians.

I think that's

like they assassinated someone, and then everyone went crazy and was like, Well, we should just kill all the Italians.

Kill all the Italians, yeah.

I don't hate it.

I mean, it's a good point, yeah.

It's a good point.

I don't hate it, it's something to do for a little while, yeah, you know, could be fun.

Yeah, let's just not.

I just, I'm saying, don't judge it, you know what I mean?

Yeah,

I'm sure the black people were like, Yes, kill all the

guns.

They're like, Yeah, for sure,

not us.

They're like, You still too, and the Italians,

Yeah.

Yeah, basically Italian black guy.

Okay, so this is just a bunch of little one

minor.

The question is, what show will Barnum have in the next world?

Oh, he's going to fucking just...

In the next world?

Yeah, I think he died, maybe.

Space Barnum.

Oh, Space Barnum.

No, not Space Barnum.

Not Space.

Like when he's like, no, he's like in...

Not Space.

You don't go to Space when you die.

What religions did you just make up?

You just made up a religion.

First of all, first of all,

where are you pitching to go when you die?

I'm not

there, but these people think.

I believe you turn into dust.

You become a tree, and then you turn into dust, and you go to space.

But you guys don't play

paintball when you die, I thought.

Is that right?

I like this one.

I thought.

I'm listening to Lee a little bit more than I did.

I don't hate this.

So, like, eternal paintball?

Does the paintball game stop?

It's tough to say, yeah, it might be eternal.

I think it yeah, because that I have never heard this theory.

Paintball hurts,

not when you're gone, it's awesome, it just goes through you, it's endless.

You never, it's one long game of capture the flag while playing paintball.

It's heaven is paintball, it doesn't hurt, hell is it always hits you in the balls,

and your gun's empty.

These are bad,

this is a bad heaven.

Now, now that you've heard, now that that you've heard Lee's, Dave, may I walk you back to space, Barnum?

No, they're both.

Welcome.

This seat's still available at my table, my friend.

Are they floating around?

Who are you talking to?

Lee or Gary?

You.

Yeah.

They're just floating around.

So there's

odd characters and animals and stuff just floating around.

I'm about to leave for a little while.

I don't like.

Do you have to consult with your right hand, man?

I have to, hold on.

What was I talking about last night when I was self-irrigating?

There are a great many things in corn besides corn juice.

Wow.

This is an awful thing to hear.

Aw.

Corn juice.

We sell that at our shows, Lee.

You should come to one.

Okay.

Yeah.

That and meatballs.

We do.

Dave, I mean, if you want to get another 50 from Quibby.

I just, what, was corn juice something that people enjoyed?

Did they squeeze now?

I'll

fall on the sword.

Thing of necessity.

When you eat corn, it's juicy.

It is juicy.

It's quite sweet.

Yeah.

You know,

you'll see a lot of the kids walk around sucking on corn cobs.

You've seen that, right?

And I'm not saying...

I want to drink corn juice, but if someone handed me corn juice, I'd be like, I'll try it.

I would try corn juice.

I like corn juice.

Sweeten corn could be pretty good.

Now, I'm not saying we should be doing it, but

my grandfather was a farmer and they called him a corn jewel.

Does that count?

We'll be right back.

Hey, Lee, we just, the network just called.

They want to make a pilot?

You're going to pilot, baby.

Yes.

Corn Jew.

Yeah.

Corn Jew.

People get weird when you eat corn like you give a blowjob.

Huh?

Keep reading.

If you eat corn just like...

What are you talking about?

You guys don't do that?

I do

one from each end.

Wait, is this the heaven you're proposing?

Yes, well, well, well, look who comes crawling back.

Welcome to Space Party.

Everyone blowing their corn.

Meet the shucker.

The president of the Cotton Farmers Alliance in Georgia is opposed to a third party just now.

The Democratic Party is good enough for him, and he thinks that a third party is unnecessary, hazardous, and unwise so far as regards to Democratic Party's interests in the South.

This is depressing.

This is

all right.

I have all confidence that the Democratic Party will give me its us relief this week.

I'm fucking believing.

We've been doing this for 110, 18 years, 130 years.

Yeah, 130 years.

Now, just give the Democrats a chance.

There's no need for another party.

We've got all the choice we need.

We can't do that right now.

This is the most important election of our lifetimes.

We can't.

Come on.

Horace Bushwinkle is

an existential threat.

Horace Bushwinkle is as bad as it gets.

By the way, we're going to run on his policies.

He was pretty bad.

It was bad.

Yeah.

Fred Briggs of Missouri Valley killed 142 blackbirds at one shot.

Nice.

There we go.

Finally.

I feel good.

It's a shotgun.

He had to use a shotgun.

142?

Even with a shotgun?

I know, even with a shotgun, it's crazy, but the only way you could do it is with just...

I don't think there's a finish to your sentence.

No, you can't do it.

There's another way you could.

You can put them in a bag.

It's just say you did it.

That's true, too.

That's that.

Yeah, there's that.

Yeah, there was probably someone who's like, holy shit, really?

Yeah, you're going in the paper.

That is easy.

A festive cow at Boone caused a fight between a woman and a boy.

Both were fined.

Okay.

I don't see anything wrong with that.

No, there's no other.

That's it.

A festive.

What is a festive cow?

Well,

have you ever been to India?

Actually, I was in Tibet.

They have festive yaks.

Okay.

Same thing, but it's a cow.

The mayor had a festive yak in the back of the

car.

He says while looking at his phone, just totally looking at the battle.

I'm looking at festive cow.

That's got to be an all.

Literally, all I'm seeing is...

That's a ska band.

Absolutely.

They played Lilith Fair.

I'm just seeing a lot of cow heads and wreaths.

A lot of Merry Christmas

Moorie Christmas.

Oh,

which should be Merry Chowsmas if I am going to do it.

Okay, I'll show you my favorite festive cow.

Well, people listening can't see it.

Well, I don't even know.

I can't even see it.

He has a Santa hat on.

Oh, there we go.

Santa hat.

Oh, and a sweater?

He has a Santa sweater on, yeah.

He makes eggnog.

Okay.

A man.

I'm scared.

Yeah, yeah.

A man in one of the Dubuque churches went to sleep Sunday and snored so loudly that the minister was forced to stop his sermon and have him

awakened.

That is not that

must happen all the fucking time.

Yeah, church.

They didn't even give us his name.

I mean, if you're going to do the reporting, do the reporting.

Yeah.

Come on.

I would just wake up and be like, it's part of God's plan.

Dox this guy.

Where does he live?

Dox him.

Dox his motherfucker.

Where's he live?

We gotta get him.

And then the next week he's been killed.

I hope Lee feels good.

Governor Boyd says the reason he did not issue an Arbor Day proclamation was because it was unnecessary.

The statute, he says, provides that the 22nd day of April shall be Arbor Day, and there was no more.

use in proclaiming Arbor Day than there would be in proclaiming Christmas or the 4th of July.

This is what this story is.

Jesus Christ, get off my fucking back, you idiots.

Why didn't you tell us, why didn't you celebrate Tree Day?

Arbor Day started in 1872 in Nebraska.

It's on the calendar.

We do not need to fucking say it every time it's it's here.

It's there.

I don't need to proclaim it.

It's some.

What will the trees think?

What will the trees think?

What?

Do you even celebrate Arbor Day?

Yes, we all do.

It's tree day.

Yes.

What did you do?

Did you even go to the woods on Arbor Day?

Did you even go to the woods?

I enjoyed the trees in my yard

and I gave them wreaths.

Did you give them a festive cow?

I don't like trees.

Oh, I've never liked trees.

Truth comes out.

Finally.

And you people, here's the deal.

Let me live my life and stop trying with all your tree shit.

I

it's oppressive.

What will you be doing?

You're going to lose all the tree votes.

I think you lost them.

I think they're gone.

You fucking tree people are about to find out that everybody is tired of your fucking tree bullshit.

We still have to vote Democrat.

There's no other solution.

What are you going to do for Shade now?

What are you going to do for Shade?

Oh, fuck.

I built a house.

My mother has this friend who's a complete, reads.

complete right-wing conspiracy shit and like sends her the articles.

He's one of those guys.

And she's like, he sent me this article.

Could you read it and tell me why I should write back?

And it was about the fires in California, space lasers, Jewish, Jewish space lasers.

No, it's even

better.

It was a graph showing how the fires in California over time used to be worse, like in the 1800s, they were worse.

Oh my god, I swear to God, I was like salivating.

I was like, I cannot wait to write this reply to remind this man of one major fucking difference back then

with the way it was set up here.

I was like, yeah, no bucket lines.

Yeah, idiot.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Oh my god.

Was the chart drawn in crayon?

No, no.

It was like, it was immediately, I was like, I'm honestly enjoying this article.

It's so bad.

I mean, the one.

Let's take a chart with a dinosaur sticker on it with a grain of salt.

The one that's getting me that's so hilarious is that they're saying that Biden spread the bird flu with drones.

I've seen that one.

They're just, it's so great that they're getting, that's how they're going to handle the bird flu.

Yeah, they just can't.

It's impossible.

It's the obvious answer is so impossible now that you have to go.

Like the drones were pissing bird flu?

Yes.

It was to hurt the farmers.

By the way, I remember them suggesting during Iraq invasion times that one of Saddam Hussein's plots was to fly things over and drop

anthrax on us and all that shit.

I remember that.

Oh, there were people covering their homes in plastic.

Yeah, I remember that too.

They were like, duct tape your windows.

They were like,

get a seal to duct tape the windows with plastic.

And it was like, you realize you're going to suffocate in your house.

And they were like, this is a way to call the herd.

Yeah.

We want those people gone.

I supported it wholeheartedly.

Cockney Sterling and

Reddy Bruman fought for $300 near here today.

Sterling was put to sleep in the 21st round.

Oh, my God.

Like mutinized?

Yeah, they finally killed him.

His corner man.

Put him down.

Yeah, I got a little thing for you.

Let me put the city on.

Let him feel good.

All right, I killed the boy.

You could have just thrown in the towel.

What?

I didn't have a towel.

You're out of towels.

So I put him down.

Then he'd be a coward.

I put him down.

We forfeit.

I killed my fighter with a syringe.

Imagine going 21 rounds and then losing.

I mean, you are a bloody pulp.

And there's no gloves.

This is just fists.

Jesus.

Oh, just dead.

I mean, honestly.

But this is.

You're tartar and you're like,

I mean, we're going back to this with the

slap fighting.

I always bring this when they interview the slap fighters.

Have you ever watched?

Have you ever watched?

When are they going to have the CTE analysis of slap fighting?

When are they just going to have a show where they're trying to get someone to have CTE at the end of the broadcast?

Have you ever watched on YouTube the guys who have created their own like small-town slap fight leagues?

And it's just, it's guys,

you know, they're obviously trying to get YouTube followers, but like they are having a slap fight league in like somewhere way out in the middle of Ohio.

It's backyard wrestling.

It is just, yeah, but it's worse somehow.

It's the craziest fucking thing you've ever seen.

And they have like 10 episodes going to find the champion.

Yeah, it's bad.

I'd say who's watching it but i think we just found out

it's all dave it's all just

dave commenting

dave your slap daddy the dollop is the sponsor of this would be great i would love yo imagine our fans if we were just like and we're also brought to you by slap fighting the slap fight league is uh now live back with a new season who will be the champion

it's like these backyard wrestling leagues where it's like this is nails in eyeballs Whoever gets the nail in the eyeball first.

It is so bad.

It's bad.

But it is what happens when everything's failing.

You're like, the entertainment becomes gory, graphic, demented.

A good sign is what I'm saying.

Yeah.

Bogus Dakota Sufferers.

I didn't know they had bogus back then.

Yep.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I didn't know there was some guy kicking.

It was delivered, I think, in

1975, yeah.

The word burgess now means bull cocky.

Swindlers working for East

for East?

Oh, sorry.

Swindlers working the East for money on sympathy for Dakota.

Two strangers, this is out of Buffalo.

Two strangers representing themselves as A.A.

Payne and Christopher Rott.

My name is Ah Payne.

I mean,

to be fair.

They're calling themselves Ah, Payne, and Rot.

Like,

they're not real.

They're not real.

Hello, I'm Ah, Payne.

Good to meet you.

Have you seen that awesome little cafe restaurant, Ah, Bone Payne?

I like that place.

It actually has some great food there.

So my elbow keeps cracking when I move through.

We just serve coffee.

We're not.

And what happened was

I was climbing a ladder in my yard to get leaves out of my gutters.

Do you want a chippada sandwich?

Yeah, do you want some food?

I don't have health insurance, but I can pay out of pocket.

We could put a creamy soup on that.

We can put a creamy soup.

It doesn't work like it used to.

I can turn it into a soup.

When the fella comes over, if he could maybe take a close look at the elbow, I think it would be coming from the shoulder.

Are you talking about the cook?

Yeah, the bone pain.

Yeah, whoever the guy is,

whoever the specialist is.

Just

dip it in the cream of broccoli for a little while.

Ah, it burns.

Yeah.

I feel like that'll go away.

You think that's going to do it?

Yep.

You guys have food?

Somebody lick your arm, you fucking idiot.

Weird doctor's office.

A.A.

Payne and Christopher Rott of Ellendale, North Dakota, have been here sometime soliciting subscriptions for the people of North Dakota, whom they represented to be suffering for food, clothing, and money.

The mayor wrote to the governor of North Dakota and has received a reply that the men are not authorized to collect money and adding that there are no doubt some cases worthy of charity in Macintosh County, but neither the county nor the state resources have been exhausted.

A letter was also received from the governor of South Dakota saying the people did not need help.

That's the best part.

The governor took the time to be like, they don't need any fucking help.

The people were like, well, first of all.

So these guys are just, it's a scam.

And their way to fight the scam is to reach out to the states and be like,

do you guys actually need anything?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And they're like, no.

Even though they do.

It's a great charity, though.

I'm going to start doing that.

I'm raising money for South Dakota.

My name is Yur Rotten.

You're here to help.

Hi,

here to help.

My name's Ouch Wound,

and I'm raising money just in general for Delaware.

Yeah, but South Dakota didn't have any,

they weren't involved.

They were raising money from North Dakota.

The South Dakota governor just jumped in because there's nothing to do there.

There's nothing.

More evidence that there should only be one.

Yes.

Yes.

Further evidence that we don't need two.

Oh, I wish Democrats were smart enough to know how to play the game because that's the shit they should be doing.

Oh,

we're going to take Canada.

We should actually make North Dakota,

South Dakota, one Dakota.

And just watch, just put them.

It would be.

Trump the Democrat would be doing that.

Yeah, absolutely.

And then they'd ask him why, and he'd be like, because we keep losing both of them.

I'm going to name it Trump Dakota.

Trump Dakota.

All right, last one.

Yeah, let's go.

Sioux City mentioned

Huron Haronite?

Heronite, sure.

Okay.

Maybe that's a city of some kind?

Could be.

A number of capitalists.

Ah, fuck.

All right.

Here we go.

Big ones.

Well,

went from Sioux Falls to Sioux City by mistake the other day, having had their special car attached to the wrong train.

Awesome.

Ah, that's so great.

Little things.

It's the little things.

Yeah, that's a small victory.

That's all we have.

The small victories you get in America.

All we have.

It's like

when a politician gets an egg thrown on him, you're like, that's all we got.

What do you want to bet?

Somebody was like, sir, do you want it hooked up to the just do it?

Sir, is it Sue?

Sit stop.

Is it Sue?

Is it Sue?

Just put us on the fucking train.

anyway.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The error was eating oysters.

Back to the olives.

Yeah.

The error was not discovered until they were approaching the city when it was corrected in the quickest

practical way.

It is not the first time that capitalists...

Letting it go off a cliff.

They

threw the car off a cliff.

Just set on fire and then pushed off a cliff.

We just burned them alive inside the car.

It is not the first time that capitalists have made a mistake in going from a South Dakota to an Iowa city.

Wow.

Capitalists.

I love it.

It isn't.

Doesn't mean rich, rich fuckers.

Is it just what it is?

Well, it would be good to just kind of.

We need to find the right grouping for the nightmares.

It would be good to just be like these.

I mean, oligarchs.

I don't know.

Is that working?

That doesn't seem.

We should be calling them.

Parasites.

Parasites is good.

Robber Barons.

Shit.

Cunts.

Cunts.

Cunts is good.

Well, Lee, cunts should be the last part we talk about while you're here.

Wrapping up on that.

So

redacted.

Unredacted.

Unredacted.

I'm sorry.

I remember redacted.

Yeah.

Russian misinformation show.

But really is great.

And you write it all on your own, which is, again, remarkable.

Thanks, man.

Weekly.

He's tired.

He's tired.

I know you have a team of writers for this show.

Yep.

Yep.

We got Dave and two dogs.

And that's it.

Well, thank you for joining us, Lee.

Thank you.

Yeah, Unredacted Nights.

You can find it on my link tree, linktree.com/slash the camp.

Really appreciate it.

Thank you, Lee.

Always a pleasure.

Thanks, buddy.

Not always.

Some of these days,

you'll miss me, honey.

Some of these days.

Hey, Dollop fans.

I know you love the dollop.

You love listening to the dollop.

Do you want to watch the dollop?

You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about?

By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth.

Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation, and we are starting to animate some of our episodes.

So, if you want to go watch a five-parter animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube.

It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it.

And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them.

We're already making a second one, so go there and watch The Rube.

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