116 - The Past Times with Randall Blythe - part 2

All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week. Round two of Randy Blay.
Hi, Randy. Round four.
Well, round four, round two of today. Round two of today.

You're good for two. I am.
It's because you got that rock star stamina. I'll go for nine.
Do you like being called a rock star? What do you think of that? No. Is that why?

I'm talking about a cock star. Yeah.

Do you like cock and roll? Cock and roll. That's where I put my wiener and sushi.
I mean, you are technically a rock star. You are.

What do you like to, what do you like? What do you go with?

If I were to refer to myself as a rock star, I would call myself a budget rock star. No.
Yes. No.
I came here in a Nissan rogue. Yeah, but rogue.

You're against the

rental. You at home drive a Bentley.

You drive a Tesla with the doors that go up like the night side.

I drive the same truck I've driven since 2009.

Yeah, I get that.

Who would you call a rock star?

I have rock star friends. Who? Like my friend Duff McKagan.

Rockstar. That's rock stars.
The dude's in Metallica.

When I went and saw Guns on Roses, like whatever, right before COVID, that dude plays a punk song, and I was just

just do more of this for the show.

Well, Duff is, I know he's an old punk guy, yeah, but like, he's a fucking legit punk guy. Yes, he was in the Guns N' Roses, but he was always a legit punk guy.

And when he came, I was so glad that he played that punk song. I was like, yes.
Yeah, Duff is a wonderful human being. He's a rock star.
It seems like it. He very much seems like it.

He is a real you're a rock star. I hate to say it.
I'm sorry. You are, but you know what else you are.
So, look, Duff is married to a supermodel. Yes, he is.
I,

as a not rock star,

no supermodel would ever look at me. I love my girl, though.
Yeah. She's my supermodel.
She's great. But she was not in Rome.

She might have been in Rome. She might have been in Rome.
Walking the carpet.

The carpet and a button.

I don't even call it walking the carpet.

Is it they do it? I think it's the cat walk. Oh, sorry.
I don't fucking know. Now you're not a rock star.
I'm not a rock star. I don't know.
Nobody does walk the carpet.

Nobody says, like, in Rome, and then those little walkie finger guys. People don't do that.
So listen, models, you're going to walk the car path. And it's also, it's in Milan.

That's where Fashion Week is. Right? Okay.
All right, fine. I love Fashion Week.
Stop talking.

But you're more than just a budget rock star. Author.
Author. I mean, you're a rack on tour.
Can I call you that? A rock on tour. A rock on tour.
But you have a new book coming out February 18th. Yes.

And then you're also doing a book tour for your book, but you're not just going to stand there because you

are so creatively obsessed. Nervous energy.
You don't want to just sit there and Dave, stop. He's running from what's inside of himself.

Like you aren't.

Like you aren't.

And quietly meditating and accepting what is. He's constantly creating a damage.
Everything

Dave does is because he can't fight his dad.

Stop running. Dave's dad was a hell of a guy, by the way.
You can go to... I heard you killed him.
Yeah, no, that's 100%. And it's not.
You literally admitted it this morning. No, I didn't.

I said we hung out on the day he died. Drinking and then

bad at night. I was sad to hear he went.

It was awful.

But you're not going to be reading chapters from your book. You're going to be telling other stories.
Yes, running around. And from what I've heard, they're fucking great.
Right.

Well, you know, I have good stories.

You have a lot of good stories. All the best ones I have are normally at my expense.
Yeah, you've kind of lived two lives. You've lived the one and now the one that you're reporting on.

Yes, the stupid one, which I'm currently in, and the really stupid one. I used to list.
Which was fucking wild.

But people can go to Randy Blythe. Yeah.
R-A-N-D-Y-B-L-Y-T-H-E dot net. Go there for you can pre-order the books and you can get tickets.

And I'm going to be ending the tour March 12th, 13th, and 14th here in California. It's true that Dave and I are going to be up on stage for the one in L.A.

I heard that we're going to be up there hanging out. Absolutely.
Even if we're just bottomless. Bottomless.
Yeah, well, we like to call it skin centaurs. Full of Viagra.
Yeah, no,

rock, hard rock stars. Rock hard rock stars.
And I will be donating any proceeds from the California shows to Habitat LA.

When you're performing, do you ever have to go to the bathroom? What do you do if you have to go to the bathroom on stage? I piss myself. You do? Have you ever pissed yourself on stage? No.

Okay, great. All right.
Well, Dave. Well, have you pissed myself on stage? Like, what are you doing when you have to go to the bathroom and you're on stage? You're also a performer, by the way.

I'm a, but it's different.

Different.

I bet you've never had to do this, which multiple guys in my band have, not just me.

Had a trash can ready behind the

vomit? Shit. Shit.
Shit on stage. Dude, look, let me tell you something, buddy.
What?

When you have food poisoning,

right? Yeah.

What are you guys eating? You're getting great food.

Right now you are. This is Lamb of God, not Led Zeppelin, bro.

Undercooked lamb.

You're in different countries, different bacteria. You know what I mean? But literally, we've had to have a trash can back there because

people do not give a fuck. if you have food poisoning or have some sort of stomach bug or whatever.
This is crazy. They want to, and you're in London.

Like my guitar player Mark had fucking horrific, horrific food poisoning one time and still went on stage and he was gray and just didn't move the whole time. I like stood near him.

I was afraid he was going to fall over. But I've done that before.
I've only so when you

I did that. I did a show at a culinary school in South Carolina.
A culinary school? A culinary school.

And they were like, the students want to serve you before. And I ate the food and I immediately got food poisoning.
And I was the last guy on the show.

And I was like in the back throwing up and shitting. And they're like, call my name, ran out.
Let's go, funny man. 45, exactly, 45.
And then ran off and went right back to the business. Now, see, I've

two things. One, Dave has had food poisoning and canceled the show before.
I did. That's how

I couldn't get off the floor at that time. That happened to me in Vegas.
Yeah.

Actually, I ate sushi here in L.A. with my buddy Stick.
And then we went to Vegas, and I got off the bus the next morning. I was like, the House of Blues.
I was like, all right.

And then all of a sudden it was just like, ooh, all wrong. Yeah.
You know, and then I was just throwing up and shitting uncontrollably.

And a doctor came and shot me in the ass with something to make me stop puking. Yeah.

And then I was in my bunk and I just remember my tour manager, Brian, opening the bunk and being like, are we going to have to cancel? He's very non-emotional.

He went, are we going to have to cancel the show? I'm like, yes, Brian.

And then passed out.

But that's the only time I've ever canceled a show due due to sickness. I've done it with it.
But you made it through with food poisoning at a culinary. Yeah.
Yeah. Culinary, is how you said it.

I one time

was about to explode on stage

and I was like, literally 20 minutes in. At Comedy Club? Yeah.
This is within the last year. And I was like on stage like, ooh, boy.

And I was 20 minutes in where it started. And by the end,

I keep my time. And I'll normally do a little more than whatever, 45.
But I was like, it was 44.39, and I ran, ran off stage. Thank you very much.
You've been great. Yeah, it was like that.
Yeah.

Did you that day eat any van eggs? No.

You want to know what I blame it on? Comedy club food? No, wings. No.

Ricola. I had too many Ricola.

What does that even mean? All right, we're going to guess what year this paper's from. It's too many Ricola.
We're going to Rico Road.

I heard that someone recently, they found out they were shitting their pants because they couldn't drink Pellegrino.

That's not crazy. You're not supposed to drink too much sparkling water.
It's got a lot of stuff in it. Yeah, just like Dave.
Ficles.

All right, Randy, we're going to guess what year this paper is from. Well, it's actually French for the crap.
Okay.

What year do you think? You were two years off on the first one. Yes.
You got any theories on this one? Yes, I do. Go ahead.

I'm going to go ahead and say, even though you never asked for the date, I just.

You're more than welcome.

September 30th!

Year? 1783! What?

I know.

That's old. That's too old.
You got cocked with her. I know, because I didn't know if they had newspapers here yet or not.
They did. They were just real weird.
I know. That's what I was hoping for.

They were just like, River Sprite, Storm's Capital. Yeah.

That's fine. I'm from Virginia.
I'm going to... Well, okay, do you want to guess where...
I bet you this paper is close to where you're from. Do you want to guess where it's from?

Newport News, Virginia. Virginia.
Okay.

I'm going to guess.

Why are you mad at me already, asshole? Go ahead, do it.

1899.

No.

Shut up. And I'm going to say

Richmond. Well, it's Richmond.
You already knew that. No, I didn't.
No, you didn't. You're not fucking a lie, you whore.

I'm not a liar. Are you cheating? There's no way Burns didn't tell you.
He didn't tell me. Sorry, you're disqualified.
What year?

It was Richmond, Virginia, June 3rd, 3rd 18 1985 sorry oh 1985 wouldn't you think i would know the year though oh boy all right now this could be a good one this could be you did know i did not know

why are you taking his side slut you do not call me that

not fair what are you talking about i lost you did you got it right the first time basically And he normally, who won?

He did. Yeah, you won, okay? He was disqualified.
Dad likes you. He was disqualified.
You were were disqualified. Stop.
You're both getting a little too worked up. Just upset you're a trollop.

That's the podcast. That's the other podcast.
He can't be trusted. It is the Richmond Times Dispatch.

The Times Disgrace as it is. Ooh.

Well, boy, you got a lot of insider knowledge, don't you? Actually, I'm that.

They were always pretty good to me, I guess. Guard hid hand grenade, Traveler says.
Oh, boy. Guard hid hand grenade.

No, this is a city jail. This is an airport guard put a hand grenade into a passenger's purse to test airport security.
Oh, I see.

No, this is in El Paso.

Okay, holy AP story. Holy fuck.

To test airport security, but instead gave the woman and her family the scare of their lives.

Um, honey, um,

there's, um,

what is this?

This looks. Oh, God, jump on it.
Is it a turtle? So the guard.

Yeah, the TSA agent or whatever they were called back. Now Now, he's doing the guard, it's just like, I think I'm ready to do a little explosive.
Yeah, because this is when there's no security at all.

Why not a gun? Back when you could joke about having DMs and stuff, yeah. No, when you literally remember when people could walk you to your gate, yeah, like your family could be like, What's up? Bye.

Ken Bryce, 29, and his wife Carol. I don't like his name.
I don't know. I don't either.
I don't care for it either. And his wife, Carol, and their six-month-old son, Justin.
Oh, I hate Justin.

Am I the only one in furious Justin?

A little piece of shit. Went through.
Crying all the time.

Go ahead. Went through security at El Paso International Airport Saturday.
After their carry-on baggage came through an x-ray machine,

Bryce saw a grenade in his wife's purse.

I like how he saw it.

He saw it, what, on x-ray? He probably just went to pick it up and saw it.

Honey? Yeah. What are we doing now? We're taking these fuckers down.
We will show them. Last flight.
To Bolivia. My first thought was for the safety of my wife and son.

Said, Bryce, I grabbed the hand grenade

for the hand grenade, intending to throw it away from us. What the fuck? Fucking Christ.

That's what I would do. I don't know.
I would probably leave the kid.

Yeah, I'd get my wife and the kid. I'd leave the kid.
I didn't like the kid from the beginning. Yeah.
Yell some fucking wild ass shit that would get me canceled today.

I'm picking it up and I'm throwing it because you know how there's always a TS guy, TSA TSA guy that's in charge and he's got like a little podium thing over on the side.

I'm throwing it right at him and I'm yelling down. Yeah.
Here's what I'm doing. Eating it.
Why at him? Yeah, why at him? Fucker. Yeah, I just don't like it.
Yeah, that guy. Two birds, one grenade.

To get to the top of TSA, you're a piece of shit.

The guy checking your ID in 1985 is the top of it.

Dave's sake.

That's the highest

security.

Dave hates any power structure.

Fuck that guy. Dave's like, it should be a co-op.
How dare he try and keep us safe? Should be a co-op. Dave, how could they make this thing? It should be a co-op.
Yeah.

So this guy

reaches to grab it because he's going to throw it. He's going to throw the fucking piece of it.

So, why is this dude in his wife's purse? Well, I think that they,

they, it's probably, if a guard put it in there, it's probably open and you can see it. I would imagine.
Yeah, but he's still getting a little sneaky with those eyes in his wife's purse.

And this is also in Texas. Yeah.
All right. Where it's totally normal.
Yeah, totally normal. Grenades.
Well, we gave them away when you all walked in.

So

intending to throw it away from us, not thinking about all the people coming up the concourse.

A security guard grabbed my hand.

Honestly. The security guard grabbed my hand and said, no, don't touch it.
That's bad. That was the craziest interaction.
It's insane. Now, this is not.

Was this sanctioned? I was just going to say, this guy just went rogue, right? Then the guard told me that they had put it there to make sure their machines were working properly. But they weren't.

He noticed it.

But he,

well, that they could see it probably. This is fucking

insane. This is insane.
The 80s were awesome. Why is fucking insane? Like,

why wouldn't they just like, okay, now we're going to do the test, have their own little bag, maybe?

They said, like, let me take Mrs. Johnson's purse and put this fucking

right beside her fucking gummy bears and her birth control. And like, let's just see what the fuck happens we got to put it in a real lady's bag

yeah to make sure what are you doing yeah because they had to have been testing the the guard on the machine and then and then did he slip it in the bag prior to like he just like

have a grenade the guard dropped it in as it was going through okay right

then the guard told me uh

they had put it there to make sure their machines are working properly and bryce said the guards did not say whether the grade was live or a dummy jesus Christ. I mean,

fucking don't mess with Texas. Keep them on their toes.
Honestly, no, mess with Texas, I think. I think mess with Texas.
Let them. How about instead of don't mess with Texas, all podcasts move there?

That is fucking nuts. Yeah, that is nuts.
The 80s were really great. They really were.
Were they? Yeah. I don't think so.
Oh, come on.

Come on.

I thought they were kind of

horrifying.

of greed and materialistic. Yeah, but it was before it was like

we hadn't paid the tab fully yet. Day glow occurred first then.
Yeah. Yeah.
Not good.

Good stuff, yeah. Yeah.
No, not at the same time. Right, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Not good.
No, I think that we're saying the same thing. What a decade.
In a good way.

Yeah, exactly. Well,

did it, was it in her bag? Well, well.

We don't do Reagan Impressions on this podcast. No.
And Trump is retired retired because he's a fascist.

I could.

You're done with Trump. I can't believe you're president.
I can't believe that there was a time when I wasn't.

I would recommend not doing it because literally in like three weeks, people are going to be like, it's not funny. It's an homage to the best president.

Sir, if you're watching, which I hope you are, you're the best.

Unbelievable. I think you're a fat rapist.

Well,

the expressed viewpoints of Dave Anthony on this podcast are not shared by his co-host who thinks you're unbelievable. People are going to get mad at me because

you can make fun of Trump without saying he's fat.

Let me just say something. Go ahead.
The entire Nazi mystique is based on hyper-masculinity, so you actually do have to attack them for their physical

state.

Well, I also... Sorry, but that's the truth.
I also think

you're allowed to physically shame the billionaire class and the fascists. I mean, it's true.

Like, if you don't want to attack the fascists for their physical state, then you're literally just giving them the masculine lane to do what they want with.

So, no, I disagree. It's actually very stupid.
Plus, I like my fascists a little chunky. Am I the only one who likes them a little bit?

A little bit of thickness on there. Yeah.

Yeah.

The fruits of their labors. Yeah.
I like it. I like the idea that he's got a

train hidden in red tape.

I know it could be either one, couldn't it? You guys are not sure. It could be either one.
I'm just thinking,

please tell me, is this in Richmond? Nope. This is in New York.
Damn it. I'm thinking out on Staples Mill Road, the Amtrak station, there's this just train just

covered in red cellophane tape, just like

everywhere. Cellophane train.
People come in,

I forget what it is, the train.

But there's a specific line to take it from New York to Richmond on a fucking time. Tell the train.

Shut up.

Leave him alone.

Just quit saying train. Train.
Train.

Train. I'm getting like rain man here.
Train. Train man.
Train man.

Tape. Definitely 445.
This is out of Moscow,

Russia. Oh, of course it's red.
Yes.

Soviet efforts to find a mistake. Fucking communist.
Yes. How could you read this? Yes.

On this podcast with me. Yeah, you know,

you're a blue-blooded fucking American. Yeah, you like Reagan.
Reagan! God!

Your career's like on the rock. Yeah, yeah.
Randy Bly, high-fiving of Reagan on a podcast. No.
Change ticket sales. No.

Soviet efforts to find a missing freight train produced a lot of bureaucratic buck passing, but not the 28 ruble passing. Yeah, that's better.
Prabha complained yesterday.

So they can't find a 28-car train. That's a big train to lose.
I bet an oligarch took it.

Not then. This is all comp.
I thought they were 85. No, not even close.
A train consisting of 28 freight cars with crushed rock left the Tomashigordovsky factory

on June 24th, 1983. So this is two years ago.

Soviet newspapers said it left, but it didn't arrive.

Did you go through like Siberia?

This sounds like a movie. Like the Bermuda Triangle, Russia.
Yeah,

Bermuda Triangle train situation. Yes.
Bermuda Triangle.

Do not come out of tunnel. In Russia, train lose you.

I don't know. It's all right.

I'll work. I'll keep going and I'll have a better one.
You guys been to Russia? No, I want to go.

I don't know if you do.

I want to go check it out.

I do. I just want to be like

a fly on the wall.

The head of the factory in the Ukraine wrote the management of railways in Russia, where the train was headed, as well as investigators in Moscow. I don't know what the fuck that sentence was.

But the Russian railways office responded by turning the problem over to the railway officials in Baislos,

Russia, which in turn passed its right back to the rail office, so they're passing the buck. Right.
Passing the buck. Where is the train? Nobody knows.
Eventually, the problem ended up.

This is like the Malaysian plane. The problem ended up at the central office in the rail ministry in Moscow.

The staff of this section finally concluded that it was impossible to do anything since all the documents concerning shipments were kept for only one year and then destroyed.

The newspaper article listing examples of bureaucratic squabbling among government agencies wondered how the railways could destroy documents each year.

So this train just doesn't know what happened to the train. And this two years later, and they're like, no one knows.

Whoever got it, it's a great story. I mean,

it didn't vanish.

No, there's some people like that. We're talking like that's an episode of Scooby-Doo.
Right. Yeah.
And we don't have that.

Hero's name is Doo Scooby. Much different here.
And it said they never

solved mystery. What's his name? Do Scooby.

And Shaggy, he just like a bit of a vodka head.

And then you got Scrappy D.

And they don't drive mystery van. What do they drive? The mule, mystery mule.

And they ride him everywhere to squares and whatnot. And instead of ripping mask off at the end, they take it face value.
Who guy is, guy is he.

In Russia, you run train on yourself.

Come on. It's killing

Russia, man. This is a family show.

Dude, the first time we played Russia. Oh, God, don't tell me there's a train star.

No, it's just,

we had been,

I can't remember. What year is this?

I don't even remember. Roughly.
We've been sometime in the like

2010s, I guess. But we had been on tour and we flew and it took like 24 hours to get to Russia.

And we landed in Moscow and it was like seven in the morning and it was rainy and grim and they're like okay now we go to radio station to do

it like stand up and we were like no no we do not yeah we go to sleep yeah and they're like no and like the promoter and our like

manager at the time calls us like what the fuck are you guys doing we're like we're going to fucking bed he's like go do the interviews we're like fuck you we weren't picking it up like the promoters they're all mob bro.

Yeah, you know, they were not fucking stoked. You know,

luckily, they let slide. Then we went back and played St.
Pete and Moscow again. And

two of our crew guys, our lighting guy, for some reason,

the visa got fucked up for our lighting guy. And they let him into the country.
Oh, shit. And we're at the hotel.

And then the

police, Russian Russian police, come and bring this thing and they're like, you have to leave Russia within 24 hours or we will take you to prison where you will remain for at least two weeks

before we'll deport you.

I don't know why that was the thing.

You got to get put in prison for two weeks before you get kicked out.

Yeah. But it it was like, we were like, oh shit.
So we had to buy our our lighting guy a ticket, you know, and or you do morning radio. Yeah.

You do morning radio or lighting guy go to jail for it. Look, you do morning zoo, you spend weeks in jail.

Welcome to Borski and the Bear. Borski and the Bear, KJM, the A4T.
I went to the Kremlin and, like, I mean, it was cool and shit. I walked around, but then this is when I still drank.

And I bought one of those nesting dolls, the babushka.

Bring them home. And then I decided I wanted to try vodka while I was in Russia.
So I went to this by myself kind of working-class bar, which is the type of place where I would go drink.

And I just sat in there and I ordered some vodka, and I realized that everybody was just staring at me.

And I just took a couple of shots. I was like, I think I should leave.
You have the long hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

I think maybe I should leave. Yeah.

So I think you guys should go down. I'm down.
A dollop. I'm still down.

Like, we get, we have to have it. It's all redacted.
Yeah. It's like two minutes.
Dave's like, January, not sure. 18, never mind.

Putin would love it. Oh,

Pootie's a big fan.

Pootie's a big fan. Gareth, the pastimes is brought to you by Factor.
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Oh, dude. Interesting.
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uh bird in the car is worth hitching rides to work what what i think they're trying to do bird in hand yeah two in the bush i think they failed the bird in hand this is out of pensacola florida andrew alif has had to resort to hitching rides because his car is for the birds they got another one in there that's not happening so that's really really just not a story.

And so far. So far, but so far, it's a terrible story.
It sounds like his car broke down and you need to hitch. Alif gave up using his car May 24th

after he found that a bird believed to be a sparrow had built a nest and laid eggs in his open club compartment. Sparrow?

It is a very mighty faith on

while you've got sparrows in your motor. Are you sure? Was it a robin? No, it's just sparrows in your motor.

I've got a sparrow

talking about the bed. Quiet.

And laid eggs in his open glove compartment. Yes, but this is a gift.
He had it with the window was open, right?

Well,

I don't know. Where is it?

This is in Florida. Nothing ever happens in Richmond.
No, we're not. No one's interested.

Yeah, no one's doing it. Just from now on, every story is in Richmond.
Yeah, yeah.

So this is Richmond? Yeah. I just didn't have the heart to put them.
I just didn't have the part to put them out. She can have my car as long as she wants it, he said.
I love this.

In the meantime, Alif said his wife Jackie is driving him to his job, and I love her car. This guy gave his car up to birds.
To a bird nest.

It's just going to be a nightmare when he gets back in it. It's going to be a nice thing.

No, you're done with it. Shit everywhere.
Sparrows. His car is over.

Yeah, his car is over. I don't think he realized that, though.
I think he thinks it's alone.

He's like... He's like, I'll come back.
He's a sparrow hurts. Yeah.

That's what he thinks he is. Yeah.
But he's going to go back and be like, what state was this in? That's in Pensola, Richmond. Pensacola, Florida.
Oh, Florida. Oh, of course.
Well, that was weird.

Man cleans up after dogs, so owners don't have to. What? Maplewood, Minnesota.
A man cleans up after dogs. Dogs pooping.
And this was in the Richmond Times Dispatch. Yep.

I think things have at least gotten a little better with that paper since then. Maybe.

You want Richmond stuff, so I bet it all. all i know he doesn't want yeah it's got to be something armed with a rake and a fishnet lined hey hey hey i know how you don't clean up dog shit

rake and fishnet

hey uh it's everywhere

just throw it out

armed with a rake and a fishnet lined with a garbage bag but why do you have the fishnet what was this before we had the bag in hand technology i don't think we had dog poop bags back then i'm seeing him throwing it like using the net as a cast net you know what a cast net is yeah like uh yeah i can you throw them for bait and you can get them really big we catch shrimp with them sometimes and he's got it like a plastic line thing and there's weights all the way around it yeah so he takes it and he's like

and

what about a huge like 12 foot

like

net yeah with plastic lands and then when you pull yeah just like when you throw it in the water yeah it closes up and it's like your weights I keep it on the ground and it's scooping a whole yard full of shit.

And then when he like empties it, there's still an octopus somehow in it. He's like, oh, come on.
Hey, Randy.

You're a fucking lunatic.

Hey, we watch yourself. What is the rake for in this

to pick up any strays?

They fuck you.

But he clearly knew about plastic. Doug Thompson is an entrepreneur in what most people would call a dirty business.

Well, I'm a shitman. I'm a shit netter.
My dad was a shit netter. I'm a shitnetter.
I want to get into a business where it's just a constant flow of product.

Like it never stops. Well, I'll tell you the future.
Dog shit.

You want a future? Fuck oil. Fuck gold.
Fuck property.

Dog shit.

He makes money cleaning up the yards of dog owners or non-owners who find evidence that they had unwanted visitors. So it could be their dog shit.
It could be a nobody.

Nobody knows dog shit, but you go out there, you net up that shit, you're talking property. Does he go door to door and be like, see any dog shit in the yard? He's throwing dog shit in somewhere.

He's picking up dog shit from people's yards and then throwing it in others. Yeah.

I got my rake. Okay, he's 34.
So this is...

This is, you're way too old. This is something that a teenager might do to make some extra money back then.

But 34? Like,

I think it's too late to be in the dog shit business. It is.

See, you guys didn't want to celebrate the 80s, but then you're hearing about entrepreneurial spirit like this. This is the backbone of the American economy.

What?

Talking to the sharks.

Okay, so I got a fishnet.

I just throw a bunch of dog shit on the floor. How many times has this happened to you, sharks? Is that actual dog shit? It's human shit.
I couldn't find a dog. But pretend it's from a dog.
Leave.

Hold on. Let me delete my margins.
I want 10%

of.

Done.

Closed. I can't wait to work with you, Mr.
Cuban. I'm Mr.
Wonderful. Whatever.

Thompson34 recently distributed more than 6,000 flyers advertising his pet mess pickup service. Wow.

At last, a service designed to give busy people

a little

more time

for relaxation without worrying about this thankless chore, the flyers are in. Thankless chore.

At last.

So far, he and his sister, Diane,

Darcy, 40, 40. She got into the dog ship business at 40.
40.

Dude, when your calling happens, you go. Have six customers.

Why are they in a paper?

Six customers. Six thousand flyers.
Six thousand flyers.

Six customers. So we're in the hole a hundred grand.
Yeah.

Have six customers and have inquiries from 30 other people. Hey, what the fuck are you guys doing? We're picking up dog shit.
Are you interested? What's the net for? Check your yard.

Yeah, we got a big net and we're loving shit. I guess my only inquiry is: how old are you? I'm 34, but don't worry, my sister's 40.
We're crushing it out here.

We got a net, a rake, and the shit gets everywhere when we're done. That's our slogan.
The shit'll be everywhere.

Never seen it be netted before.

At last.

Finally. Finally.

Jesus.

So far, okay, six customers, 30 other people. He charges $10 a month for stopping by a one-dog yard once a week, a two-dog yard, $17, and a three-dog dog yard is $23.

I love animals, so it doesn't bother me. Well, you're not actually working with animals.
Just so you know, you're working with shit. You're just

shit. How about animals? Well, you can.
There's nothing about animals. She's got a bone.
Shit.

Shit. Plus, I've got a lot of ambition.

Dave.

He does.

Yes, he does, but in the wrong direction. No, he doesn't.
This is a good, legit.

I guess.

This is a service I could see.

Someone building an app for.

Hey, I got shit in my yard. Yeah.
Bing. And the guy comes over

crying and picks it up. Yeah,

there's a buck.

Look, I would, like,

that wouldn't be, like, I don't mind going out and doing it, but it wouldn't be.

You love love it you said i love it yeah i'll do it with my mouth find peace but i guess for some people it would be a great service because you have dogs and you don't want to deal with the shit because the shit is the worst part how much shit dogs shit a lot but like a lot if you stay on top of the shit it's not like it's like oh god

okay it's it's this gargantuan pile of

like clifford lives there

get away from me like if you're if you're sick or you're a slack motherfucker how often are you sick though i get sick once every two weeks.

I get pneumonia. I bet pneumonia seven times this year.
Dave has shitting pneumonia. Can we talk about this? Okay.

Cats. Cats.
Way better. They shit in a box.
Way better. Yeah.
One area. Way better.
Scoop it once a day. By the way.
Or you get the robot. I was just going to get the fucking.

If you don't have the litter robot, get the gut. I'm back it.
I'm back it. I'm opposed to all AI, but the litter robot is an absolute game changer.
It is the best. I can't.
What's the code?

Promo code.

Promo code Jose poop.

He did a promo code on our past episodes, but

I'm wondering if Lydia would like it. Love it.
She's scared of everything.

They get... Listen, there's Jose.
At first, they're like, is this a UFO? And then very quickly, they're in. They're going to use it.
And then your life is easier. Way easier.
Little robot.

Anyway, I'm going to try to teach my dog Pablo to go out on a surfboard.

I don't know if that's connected. What type of dog is it? It is a Labradou.
It's a Swayze. Oh, he's one of those little ones.
He loves the water. And I do have an 11-foot board.
Yeah.

So.

So who's going to clean up the dog poop from the ocean? That's the question.

Nobody. Does he have a little life jacket? I'll get him one.
You've got to get one. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Some of them like it. Yeah.
They love surfing, some of them.

I would love to get out there on your 11-footer with you.

I tried to get you out there. I want to be on your board.

I've tried to get you out there. I want to be on your board with you.
While we won't do it. I want to be in a Bjorn on your chest while we do it.

El Paso supports right not to wear coat and tie.

Fuck yeah. It's hot in El Paso.
Fuck yeah. Wearing a tie or a coat in El Paso's hot summer sun could get people in trouble with Mayor Jonathan Rogers.
Oh my God. Imagine a city with a dress coat.

Who has more or less banned them both until Labor Day? Into it.

Rogers has proclaimed, quote, that the coatless and tieless season shall be effective immediately and that the mayor or any members of council may enforce this proclamation with all immunity that pertains to their office by cutting off any and all ties worn at any and all occasions, formal and informal.

Jesus Christ. Into it.
You know, Texas, just relax and just do something. Just say, yeah, let's talk.

So that's where the Alamo is. Yeah.

yeah yeah yeah that's that that what your your your anger is directed at them because you feel like it's just more well just just say you're not gonna be like we're gonna cut off your fucking tie just go yeah you guys know how to wear ties and

our drum tech is from texas right

and he makes like funny t-shirts and shit and I told him I wanted to make him a t-shirt.

I had a design I wanted him to make and it just says, welcome to Texas. We'll fucking kill you.

Yes, that's right. And a little more straightforward.
Yeah.

When I was in Texas, I went into this, I wore a mask into this convenience store, and this guy goes, Whoa.

And I go, and he goes, Why are you wearing that? And I go,

I go, I have COVID, which I didn't. But I go, I have COVID.
And he goes, COVID's fake. And I was like, well,

this guy wins. I was like, this conversation's conversation's over.

Very effective. I love to wear a mask in an elevator in a hotel, and the elevator opens up, and I just look at people, I go, I think I have COVID.
And they go, oh,

nail stay up.

Do the fake cough.

Oh, this is sad. Staff sad as Stroh

shuts down oldest brewery. Stroh's brewery.
Richmond? No. No? Detroit.
Detroit. No, there's nothing.

I can't find one story. Nothing ever happened in Richmond.

Stop it. Now

you're getting

to Jay's right. All right, there we go.
I'm trying to find one. I'm coming back.

The story.

There's lots of great stories from Richmond. Do us a favor.
This is our producer, Burns, who probably looked up most. Look in the camera and just tell him to go fuck himself.
Go fuck yourself.

There you go. He did pick another Richmond paper from the 1800s, but there was nothing good in it.
It was not bad. This is better.

Satin employees left Stroh's flagship brewery for the last last time Friday, ending the family-owned company's 135 years of making beer in Detroit.

So, this is when, like, if a family business closed, we were like, wow, this is newsworthy. Yeah.
As opposed to now we're like, now it's an Amazon store.

It's like we're going to a funeral, said Helen Siankowski, who worked as a microbiologist at the plant for four years. I don't know if I need a microbiologist in my beer.

Work will always be there, but not like it was was at Stroh's.

Stroh's Brewery Company, the nation's third-largest beer maker, announced in February that it would close its 71-year-old brewery on the eastern edge of downtown Detroit, saying it was the least efficient of its seven plants.

And then Strohz would just slit its own throat. It's one of the, I have to do that as a Strohs? Stroh's.
Stroh's.

I have to do that as a podcast sometime because they were the number one beer in America and they killed themselves.

It's a great thing. Did you ever do stuff about the Coors? I can't remember if you were to do it.
Yeah, we did.

Yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, one of the guys from Coors killed himself in Virginia Beach. Oh, shit.
At a fancy hotel. Oh, shit.
Wow, really? Yeah. Did he drink his own beer? No, he jumped out the window.

Oh, so you drink a certain amount of time. Did he yell Coors on the way down?

Of course I did. Head for the Rocky Squad.

It's a pretty famous hotel, like Fitzgerald has stayed there. Meanway.

Other people.

Yeah, a lot of guys didn't make it. Yeah.

Maybe it's the hotel. Yeah.
It's like the shining.

This is a column. So this is a local column, I guess.
Bob Green. Oh, good.
My name is Bobby Green.

Phone in sky is high living.

As soon as I stepped onto the airplane, I knew I was in big trouble. There on the wall of the plane, right next to the restroom, was a sign, Public Telephone.
Oh, no. Right near the shitter.

On a plane.

Did they have these?

They did.

They had phones on planes. Well, you remember phones on planes, right? Where you could

swipe your car. You could swipe a car.
It was in the seat, and you could swipe a car in the seat and swipe a car. Diane, I'll be landing at five.
But this is when. I have a grenade in my handbag.

This is when there was just one phone on the plane.

Dude.

I remember smoking on the plane. Oh, yeah.
That was great. Horrifying.
See, I never

bring it back. Smoke.
Not anymore.

I'm from Richmond. I only smoke

when I fly.

Dude, I smoked Marlboro Reds for years. See, I never got to.

You know, if we had smoking on planes, these fucking children running around being animals and jumping in my lap and wanting to play with my iPad, it'd be over.

Because I just hand him a Marlboro. Jesus Christ.
I am spark him up.

I'm very on board with this. Are you? I'd be like, have a Marlboro, and the child would smoke and it would calm down.
Or you just put it out on the kid's hand. and

I go to the bottom.

Give your kid a Benadryl, get him on the plane. You can't blow dart him.
So there's this one, and so there was a public phone

near the shitter. Yeah, near the shitter.
Which is right where you'd want it to be.

Some guy's taking a huge crap in there.

I had been aware that payphones were about to come to the nation's airlines. Stories about the predicted advent of airborne phones have been appearing in papers for several years.

Okay, so here on a Republic Airline flight between Detroit and Los Angeles, the pain phone was real.

I felt myself begin to perspire. My pulse quickened.
I am addicted to telephones. Day and night, I am on the phone more than any person I know.

If I see a phone just sitting there, I pick it up and I make a call.

What are you airing?

Super weird compulsion.

The airplane telephones are designed to be billed directly to your personal credit card. American Express, Visa, whatever.

You put your card in a slot in the console and you remove the wireless receiver and you take the receiver back to your seat and you make calls.

So there's a phone up there and because later on they would put him in the back of the seat. Yeah, I beg you.
Now you go and you get it from up there and then you bring the receiver back.

It's a receiver? So it's like a walkie-talkie kind of deal? Yeah, it doesn't have a cord. Huh.

Because I think they had, I believe by 85 they had phones in your house that had the antenna and you have like an antenna. Maybe.
Right. The cordless.

That's what we're talking about. The cordless.

Flexible. Yeah, no, no, you're right.
Well, you didn't know.

Yes, the cordless, Gareth. Yeah.
Yeah.

I don't care for your attitude. It's funny.

So this person is perspiring, thinking about the phones.

He says you get your bill a month later. Rates are $750 for the first three minutes, regardless of where you are calling in the U.S.
Ludicrous. And $125 for each additional minute.

I mean, it's like, remember

the fucking long-distance bill? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.
The long-distance bill was crazy. Crazy.

Do you remember? I learned when I had

one of the first early cell phones. So it wasn't just like, you can call wherever.
So you would, when you're traveling,

it would like put you through all these different phone companies. So you would get a bill

for having used nine phone companies on one call. oh right a different provider hammer you you'd be like

and I remember I got like a seven or eight hundred dollar phone bill once because I was traveling and making phone calls so this

this whole thing with the one phone in the back by the shitter right that's where it is yeah

I the statute of limitations has got to be up on this but it reminds me

I do you know that the

the phones they're they're back there where the the airline attendance the stewardesses or whatever they pick them up and talk to like the ground group. Yes,

we came back from Europe.

This was several years ago. I know it was at least 10 years ago because I'm not going to say his name.

I won't say our guitar player, Willie Adner's name, but

we were going back and he was fucking shit-faced.

And we were coming into DC, right?

And he picks up the phone that

the stewardesses talk to on. And somehow he he figured out to press which button so that it would go over the intercom.
Oh my god.

So he was like,

it was a little bit bumpy, and then you just hear him, and I saw him do it, and you hear over the intercome, oh boy.

And then he

were like, what the fuck was that?

We're coming in and still bumping a little bit, a little bit bumper. And he's like, oh, boy, oh, boy,

oh flame was like, freaking fuck out and we were dying laughing

dying

it was so

oh boy

that's so great to imagine he also the pilot's still mic'd up in there oh it's a oh he used to do crazy i mean i used to do we landed in heathrow and he stole one of those like high-biz like vests.

Uh-huh.

Our bus was pulled up in the front to load up and and he just started directing traffic at Heathrow, like drunk. Oh, my God, that's amazing.

Yeah, back when you could still do that shit, he's just like, Right, I'm here,

just pointing people to go different ways, drunk, yeah, drunk as shit while we were like waiting for the rest of the crew.

That's the only way to do it. Yeah, so good.
Good. That's great.
It's great to have someone in the band who lands hammered and has good bits. Oh, yeah.
Oh, dude. That's helpful.
Yeah.

We were in the air in one another in five minutes when I made my first call. Five minutes.
Oh, boy. First call.

I put my credit card in the slot and took the phone back to my seat. It was amazing.
I spoke with colleagues at the newspaper, zooming through the airs at eight miles a minute. Eight miles a minute.

And the connection clear as can be.

I made a brief conversation, hung up. Within minutes, though, I was hurrying back up the aisle to grab the phone again.
I'm in the scar! Yes. You guess where I'm calling from? I need to talk.

Honestly. I tell them the number, I had another great conversation.
I found that I couldn't stop. Every time I went back to put the phone back, I thought of another excuse to call someone.

He's like, call a Taco Bell. Are you guys open to the phone? Yeah, it really is like one of these.
It's like, I'm the gadget guy, guys.

But it's like, in reality, if you were next to this guy, I'd be like, sir,

I'm going to break your fucking weight.

For your own good. For everyone's good.
I tried to stop. I really did.
I knew it was becoming expensive, but I could not let the phone stay in the resting place.

So this guy is just pre, is it a man, a woman? He's a dude.

He's

predicting the future. He is.
That's what I keep thinking of.

He's predicting the future. Well, I also, there's something now where they're like toying with the idea of you being allowed to do Zooms or Facebooks or fucking phone calls.

Do not do that on a plane with me. I agree.

They're going to ruin him.

I completely agree. It's going to be

horrifying. They will.
And it'll be, it's already hell. It is hell.
But it's like. People have zero manners.

Well, there are times where, like, there will be someone talking on the plane now, and you're just like, fuck are you doing? Yeah. What are you doing? Like, what are you doing? This is a shared.

It's one of the actual redeeming factors about flying is that the phones are kind of more docile than regular society. Yes.
Yes, because there is. One of the few things that's good about flying.
Yeah.

It's it's

oh, it drives me fucking nuts, dude. Nuts.
It's like, I don't need to hear the details of your fucking business meeting. And it's all

the appointment. Yeah.

Whatever. It's always the big businessman.
Like, shut the fuck up. Would Gabe send that over? Have Kathy resend the link and then let's get into that around 1245 if I can.

I'm feeling the urge to throttle you right now because I know that can't. See? Yeah.

Shut up.

Shut up. No, it can't happen.

You know what? If it does,

Randy Air. Ooh, Air Rand is there.
Smoking. Smoking, no kids.
No kids. Phones in the shitter.
Phones. No phones.

Open access to the intercom. Yes.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Finally, the flight attendant announced that we were beginning our descent into Los Angeles, and I returned the phone to its console.

I hope you don't mind me saying this, said the man in the seat behind me, who had been watching this for the entire flight. Fuck you.

There are hospitals for people like you.

I quickly tried to figure out how much the calls had cost me. Oh, that was so much.
As close as I could determine, on the flight between Detroit and Los Angeles, I had made close to $200.

This guy is

$85.

So that's like $600.

This guy is trying to do the thing where he's like, I'm like part of the few. It's like, you are such a prick.

Yeah.

Yeah. As awful as that is, everybody.
What's his name?

a Richmonder. It's a local green.
He's a Richmonder. He's Bob Green.
Bob Green. I'm going to find you, Bob Green.
Bob Green. Get up.
He's probably dead.

As awful as that is. Poor broke, homeless.

Oh, this is how he spent all his money on phone calls. Yeah, talking to John.
So he makes the excuse. As awful as it is, the bill very well could have been as much as $300.
It wasn't.

And in my next column, I will tell you why. A hint.
It has to do with pilots. Ooh.

What? So he could have spent more, but he didn't. So the pilots must have also been making phone calls? I don't understand.
By the way, nobody's clamoring for column two. No.
No.

Well,

that's it? That's her? I think we did. That's a rest.
That's over an hour. Aaron, do we go to time?

Five, zero. Five, zero.
50. A word, 50? Yeah.

50. All right, let's go.

So that was Bob Green, who you will find and hurt. Yeah.

This is local news. A nine-year-old horse with a heart condition that caused the animal to faint in his stall has returned to show competition after receiving a pacemaker designed for you.
Holy fuck.

What?

For sure. Well, other than the horse dying.
It is way better. But it's also, why not just let it the treatment of horses? I guess it is the beauty is that the horse got a pacemaker.

It doesn't sound like heart condition does sound like a derby horse.

Call me Bucky, believed to be the only horse in the world with a permanent pacemaker, failed to win a single ribbon at the Devon, Pennsylvania horse show Friday, but easily cleared the low jumps.

So that's nice. It's got a pacemaker.
That's a nice story. It's like a Dick Cheney horse.

Why it shot its friend in the face?

Big Mac. Is there no Richmond stories? You got one with Bob Green.

Yeah, I guess

air piece of shit.

Yeah, there's really no one. My mother got a car phone like right when that tech was like huge

and called her mother in England on the car phone once for like a single. Yeah, basically this call was like one minute long.
We were like, I wonder how much it was like $450. Jesus fucking Christ.

She's like, mom, I'm cooling you from the car. Oh my gosh.
She's like, oh my gosh. Oh man, I never forget the first time I was watching a TV show on Quincy had a phone and his fucking Quincy.

Quincy mobile. Remember Quincy? No.
He had a phone and like a station.

His car. Do you know what Quincy was? It was a coroner who solved crimes.
What coroner who solved crimes?

So what he'd get the body and then be like, let's figure this out. He was reverse engineering.

I never could understand why the coroner was doing the. He probably wasn't supposed to.
They're like, Jesus Christ, Quincy, just put the formaldehyde inside of the people.

He was like, but who was she?

You ever wonder who she? Quincy, stop. But that shit was on for a while.
Is it a write-off if I put a car phone in my car? You're the coroner.

Jack Klugman.

Okay, I know Klugman. Yeah, I don't know.

He had the coroner station wagon, and he had a to

do it, which had the cord.

It would have been great to do the odd couple as coroners. Yeah.
You've got blood everywhere. Yeah.

He's just throwing it.

He's got brand on the wall. Yeah.

Polluted caves. Foul some homes.
Comma schools. Wow.
Polluted caves. This is out of Bowling Green, Kentucky.
Of course it's fucking Bowling Green.

What do you thoughts on Bowling Green? You've been there, I'm sure.

We're not into it. No.
No. It was bad.
We had to spend like four days there, and we were like, this town is

just franchises. You guys went to Bowling Green? We were like four days off.
And we didn't know where to go. And the cheapest

decent hotel was in Bowling Green. And that's why.

And we just like every day, we were like, tonight we're not doing Chipotle.

And then we'd be like, fuck it, Chipotle. Do you know what we like to do now when we're on tour on the day off?

And this started in Florence, South Carolina.

All you have to do is, whatever town you're in, is Google, is X

a good place to live? Okay. And you will get

a huge,

like just this range of invective of people being like, no, this sucks. No, it's awesome.
How did you ever like,

you know, it's amazing. I highly recommend it.
Well, and then does that determine if you're going to do a day off there or not? Or you're just no, no, no, no. We're there.

I just like to know.

See what everybody feels about it yeah on a day off do you do anything or do you just chill oh yeah i always do something you do yeah well i mean if you're in florence south carolina there ain't much to do that's what we found in bowling it's very much like

train stuff yeah that's what bowling green was it was like those town of franchised fast food but there apparently there is a downtown Florence, South Carolina, which I did not make to.

Yeah, no, we were furious. But do that next time when you're

is this safe? Take the town and Google it safe. You'll get hilarious.
Like, some of you are like, it's fucking great. Some of you are like, oh, no.
I was shot while riding. Yeah, exactly.

It's

winding for miles beneath the streets of this southern Kentucky city is the Lost River Cave. What? A haven for bats, crayfish, and poison.
Bro, we were too busy on land. You missed the last part.

Bats, crayfish, and poison chemicals. Bro, we were wasting our time.

This is how Batman started.

For generations, residents have used the area's underground stream as a natural sewer to flush away. A natural sewer is like such an American turn.

A natural sewer. Natural spring.

A trash hill. Fucking absolutely crazy idea.
Look, it's the trash forest.

Welcome to the trash forest. It just goes into the watery underground.
Oh, beautiful. Just as God intended.

Like gasoline and industrial solvents.

That's crazy. Now the sewer is backing up and officials say the 40,000 residents are threatened by an environmental problem found nowhere else in the country.
See, this is the thing when underwater

shit. Underground.

All the liquid nightmares. Bats

and crayfish raised in a fucking environment of shit. This is where Chudd came from.
Yes.

Now,

the thing is, it's like when you see stuff like East Palestine, like when the train derails and just the water, like all these man-made disasters that are ruining our ecosystems and stuff, it like go back to this and you're like, they were doing it.

We shouldn't have been like, these 40,000 people should have just killed an oil executive. But instead, we're like, hope it doesn't come here.
But the 40,000 people are the ones doing it. Yes.

Well, but there's also gas being leaked. It's mostly them dumping their own stuff into the natural sewer.
I still believe that

goodbye, gasoline, into the watery grave. It's very much like Willy Wonka.

Welcome to the natural sewer. Augustus, no!

Whatever we do here will end up in the textbook, said Nick Crawford, a geologist at Western Kentucky University. Why is he proud? Chemicals entering the cave.

We are going to prove that people are fucking assholes.

Gas is water.

Chemicals entering the cave stream apparently are being trapped underground where they generate toxic fumes that rise through crevices to the surface. So it's just poisonous gas coming up.

Probably explosive, too, I would think. Yeah.
The fumes have been found in about two dozen homes, an apartment building, and two schools around Bowling Green.

Why does a house smell like the natural sewer? I don't know, but I like it. That's nice.
It is the largest city in America built entirely atop a cave system.

What the fuck? That, first of all, that is. That's why you guys did not have a good time.

Yeah, that actually tracks very much for what we receive. Yeah.

Tests show the fumes contain chemicals linked to cancer and several other human ills.

The CDC called in to evaluate the health risk. It's the CDC.

Some we used to have. It's done.
Reported that the chemicals pose no immediate threat. Oh, the CDC is doing its thing.
Yeah, it's fine. Go back to work.
Shut up. Breathe deep.
It's fine.

But the agency issued a public health advisory to qualify the city for federal Superfund cleanup money. Okay.

This is classic CDC. So they come in to help so they can get superfund money to clean it up, but they're also like, it's fine, everybody.
Just go about your day.

We can't have people not working and make it. Keep going to work.
Keep buying, keep buying. Kids in schools.
That's right.

consume consume consume that's a good the advisory was the first involving a health threat from chemical pollution wow well that's awesome that's gonna happen a lot that should be on like when you enter the city yeah that should be on like the billboard as you enter the town bowling green the first cancer-induced town from fumes underground

we really fucked it up bowling green although

Although we did not feel like the chemical levels were high enough to have harmed anybody so far, it's certainly conditional

to continue, says Jeffrey. It works.
Lindberger of the CDC, that's not how it works.

Well, no one's come, no one's vomiting blood. No one has cancer from that.

Children with a third arm growing out in the forehand. Yep.
And by the way, now it's like people are like, my nose is bleeding. My water's brown.
And we're like, shut the fuck up. Shut up.
It's fine.

Just boil it.

An environmental health officer with the Warren County Health Department says about half a dozen of the affected residents have complained of symptoms, including headaches, watering of the eyes, burning of the nose and throat.

Remember when the CD said that no one's affected. No one's

there's been really no one harmed.

Yeah,

but but even when you read that, nobody has been.

Read it close.

The symptoms usually go away after the area is ventilated.

Well, when we blow up the winder.

There's more coming in from the winder.

Close the window then.

A more direct threat than the chemicals is the danger of an explosion posed by the consequences. Cold addition of gasoline in the fumes.
Told you.

Told you. Told you it was going to be explosive.

Underground crayfish grenades.

I don't know how that ended up in my handbag. I was just trying to go through security.

Gasoline levels found in several homes have approached to the point of explosiveness. Congratulations, ma'am.
Your house is legally explosive. Gas-wise.

He also noted that Bowling Green has a history of mysterious house explosives.

Baby, what? Oh, put on some spooky music and turn the lights off. I'm going to put a flashlight under my chin and tell you one of the Bowling Green bombers.
Let me light a candle real quick.

Well, damn it. This place stinks.
Light a candle damn it jimmy's house blew up we don't know what there's been a lot of that going around and i blame ghosts

jesus

two homes blew up in 1969 with one blowing up homes and we're like it should be fire

with one knocking three nearby homes off their foundations

exploding homes

oh that's been going around

there's a bunch of that going around in the neighborhood

The day of a fatal blast, residents said several homes reported smelling gas, but no one made the connection, Crawford says. Quincy's there.
I don't know. I don't know what it is.
I don't know.

You smell gas and then a house blows up, but who knows what the fuck happened? And I'm going to see if the mayor will give me a phone in the car. Fuck.

In 1981, residents of five houses in a nearby subdivision were evacuated temporarily while officials ventilated their homes of gas fumes. Fuck me.

But it was not until late 1983 that the fume problem became widespread. This time

residents were complaining of something that smelled like solvents, not gasoline. So this is definitely not...

This is not made by the people. This is definitely...

I think it's both. Yeah, okay.

There's definitely some

industrial here.

Solvents makes me think that. Yeah, there's no way this is just people dumping shit in.
No, this is

some sort of industrial pollution. George Diamond remembers the day the fumes reached his house.

I was working in my shop in the basement and smelled something like paint thinner that made my eyes water and burned my nose. It got worse.
Then my house exploded.

The gases gradually filled up the house and refused to go away. Go away, smell!

I'm a gas exorcist. I would have to sleep with two handkerchiefs under my pillow to stop my eyes from running.
Holy god.

Wait,

I don't understand the logic behind that.

I don't know.

I'm hoping the allergy fairy comes. Two hankies under the pillow.

My eyes are dry.

Yeah.

What the fuck? Two hankies.

Oh, fuck, man. Are your eyes running? Put two handkerchiefs underneath.
I did, but they have been running still. Diamond says officials from the gas company and fire department visit his house.

Nothing to see here. Repeatedly.

Did you put handkerchiefs under your pillow? Oh, yes, sir. Before they discovered a crevice along the basement wall

where caves fumes were entering the house so i don't know if calling it cave fumes is here

well what you got here is cave fumes

so you've developed a butthole on your wall from the cave colon

cave fumes said no one ever

can you imagine finding that out there you're living in this you're living there you're living in a poison house and you're just like i am in a poison house that is on the verge of exploding and then they're like the problem is cave fumes Yeah.

As God intended.

The officials ran a plastic pipe from the crevice to his roof where a fan was connected to draw the fumes up and away from the house. We're just going to vent with the poison humes.
We got to solve.

We're going to vent the cave fumes up.

We've created a tail pop for your home.

That's how we'll handle it. We gave you a roof muffler.

Catalytic converter. Yeah, you go through.

It worked. Diamond's wood shop smells like sawdust again, but he is concerned that the effects of the...
That he might fucking explode.

That he's just got to explain.

There's sawdust everywhere, fumes.

But I'll be honest, the fact that that even happened has always sat with me a little improperly.

I feel there's some permanent damage to my upper respiratory system. Fucking A!

Similar vents have been installed in two elementary schools where fumes are found.

God damn it. It is so infuriating, dude.
It's fucking It's so fucking. It's always gone on.

And now all the rich fucks, all the Trumpers and all these fucking, they're like, let's get rid of that little, let's just get rid of those little pipes.

They don't get anything. We're wasting so much on little pipes.
This is what they want to get rid of.

So school officials say five classrooms where the gas was detected will remain closed until the air is tested. And then what we hear is math scores have gone way down.
Yeah, exactly.

What's wrong with the youth? Officials are trying to figure out how to get the chemicals out of the caverns. Oh, my God.

I know how. It could take several months and costs at least $250,000.

They won't do that.

They won't do that. That's a lot of money.

Scientists are studying the feasibility of using a huge fan to suck the fumes. We are the dumbest.
We are so, we are, we're like monkeys with cable.

All right.

Apparently, two separate cave systems are involved.

There's another another one.

Wait, so I want to read that. Let me read that CDC quote again, just so we have it down.

CDC called an Evaluate the Health Risk reported that the

chemicals pose no immediate threat.

Well, but that's

a public health advisory. That's good.
Yep, no immediate threat. You can tell, just writing the article, you can tell that there's no immediate threat.

The CDC has always existed to keep people working. It is not to keep you healthy.
Well, that's cool. And what a great note to end on.

We're all going to die. Yeah, we're all going to die.
And just think of how much worse it's all gotten. Yeah.
This was 85 or whatever. I'm going to go back to my poison house.
Yeah.

Oh, fucking bowling green.

Yeah.

Well, Randy, thank you for joining us. Thanks for giving me the fucking cave fumes.
You're welcome.

Feel good? Yeah, awesome. I feel like I'm going to explode.
Dave? Yeah, I'm going to explode. Okay, cool.
You guys are awesome.

Well, go to randybly.net.net. Some guy had the dot com.
Yeah. Fucker.
No, no, I got it. You did? Yeah.
You just stuck with the dot net.

Well, it was built as dot net, and then someone else had to buy it. Does it reroute? Yeah.
Okay. Did you notice what happened with the sign behind Randy? No.

No.

Fidel. Oh.

Swapped it from Burr. Burr.

Burr's all Burr.

Thank you, Randy, and screw you, Dave. Yes.
And thank you, Aaron. And I'd just like to say one more time, we're all going to die.
Yep. Thank you.
There you go. There's the headline.
Gobble, gobble.

What could be better than seeing Gareth Reynolds do stand-up? Go to GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information. I will be in Omaha on November 28th and 29th.

I will be in Vancouver, British Columbia on December 2nd, Seattle, Washington, December 3rd, Eugene, Oregon, December 4th. Then I will also be in Kansas City, Missouri doing a makeup show.

Come on, everybody. Shake off the new year, January 2nd, January 3rd.
And just announced, I will be back in Portland, Oregon at Helium Comedy Club on February 6th and February 7th.

That's going to be a five-show weekend over two nights. So go to GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information.
Join me.