141 - The Past Times with Dorian Debose

Transcript

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Speaker 45 All right, everybody. Welcome to the Pastimes Podcast.

Speaker 45 Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

Speaker 45 I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, the great Dorian DeBose.

Speaker 33 Dorian, welcome back.

Speaker 33 It's good to be

Speaker 33 third in the what? Fourth? It's my third time here. Third.
oh yeah this means you're in dude i don't mean to

Speaker 33 you're in you're in the mix dorian for next host of this show we're looking to replace dave you're profit sharing you're profiting right no dave

Speaker 33 sorry sorry sorry yeah dave anthony jr be great i can't say

Speaker 33 worse well thanks for joining us dorian you're in new york I met you at Kansas City very randomly.

Speaker 33 Yeah, you met me at my home club. I met you at your home club, the Comedy Club of Kansas City, which is great.

Speaker 33 Do you go back there? I need to go back more. I just got a real ID so I can finally fly again, but I got to go back home.
It's hilarious that that's what's holding you up.

Speaker 33 Because it's a long drive. And also, like,

Speaker 33 it's a long drive to go stay on my mama's couch. Yeah.

Speaker 33 I've been on your mama's couch.

Speaker 33 Sorry about that.

Speaker 33 But no, a great club. And then now you're in New York.
You have a couple of shows you do, but the one that we were enamored with the last time you were on is Evil Shark Tank.

Speaker 33 And

Speaker 33 people can find information at Verbose DeBose,

Speaker 33 D-B-O-S-C,

Speaker 33 which is your Instagram. But that show is people come out and pitch you fucking fucked up stuff on Shark Tank, basically.

Speaker 33 Yeah, like we have people come in and pitch their evil business ideas to a group of evil business tycoons.

Speaker 33 It's a really fun live show.

Speaker 33 This last one we had people pitching like products, people pitching services. Like we had somebody bring in a white nationalist American girl doll, which is just American Girl.

Speaker 33 Yeah, I was going to say.

Speaker 33 Doesn't seem

Speaker 33 crazy now.

Speaker 33 Another person pitched BetterHelp Conversion Therapy, which is very fun.

Speaker 33 Thankfully, we're the only podcast that has never been sponsored by BetterHelp on purpose. Maybe this will change.
It would be great.

Speaker 33 I'll tell you what,

Speaker 33 nothing makes BetterHelp thirstier than saying you reject them.

Speaker 46 Oh, my God.

Speaker 46 Do they want?

Speaker 46 Oh, my God.

Speaker 33 They are looking to fuck. They are looking to fully fuck.

Speaker 33 Yeah, we could have bought a house. Oh, my God.

Speaker 33 The guilt would have gotten us in Better Health.

Speaker 33 And then

Speaker 33 we were just sort of saying before, it could be a podcast. So maybe it'll turn it into a podcast.
Who knows? You should have one. You know that.
Yeah, watch, watch this space.

Speaker 33 We're gonna, we're doing something big. We don't know what it's gonna be, but it's gonna be something.
Okay, all right. So, people can follow you there.
Um,

Speaker 33 well, Dorian, I don't mean to be all business as I get, but uh, you know what we're gonna do here. We're gonna go through this newspaper now.
We're gonna guess what year this paper is from.

Speaker 33 You have no clues.

Speaker 33 Um,

Speaker 33 Dave

Speaker 33 will say you win no matter how far away you are from it.

Speaker 33 What's going on from it?

Speaker 33 So just guess a year

Speaker 33 and you'll win. But I'm still going to guess because I have a connection to some people in the audience.
Dave's light just went out.

Speaker 33 So

Speaker 33 some people in the audience like to know that I know what I'm doing, but just guess a year, Dorian. I'm giving you a lot of bullshit.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 33 I'm feeling 1897. It's a great guess.
Great guess.

Speaker 33 It's a great guess.

Speaker 33 I don't think you're far off, to be quite honest with you. But

Speaker 33 I'll go 1909, just to keep it spot.

Speaker 46 Dorian wins easily. It is 1902.

Speaker 33 Oh, that really is a split.

Speaker 33 But it doesn't.

Speaker 46 No, no, because Dorian was under. And you can't go over in this game, as we've said many times.

Speaker 33 But no, but you've seen

Speaker 33 very. But no, people have gone over and you've said that they've won when I've been closer.
Well, Jared, we're too excited by blackjack rules because I'm a black man. I'm not, I don't see crazy.

Speaker 33 I don't know. Thank you.

Speaker 33 So I'm not even going to do that. I'm,

Speaker 33 I don't know if our listeners know. I'm black.
So

Speaker 33 there is a coalition between black people and gingers. I man, you know what? I got to tell you, when that fucking TikTok trend started cooking, I was like, I'm listening.
I'm listening. listening.

Speaker 33 Come to daddy.

Speaker 33 Put the content cloth, walk around on

Speaker 33 LA. I Pelosi it all over town.
Well, what do you think? I mean, how, okay, as a black man, what

Speaker 33 am I

Speaker 33 like? Dave's obviously just a white piece of shit. But there's no question.
I'm close. You and I are closer, right, than we were a year ago based on the TikTok research I've seen.
Yeah,

Speaker 33 we learned that we were cousins, basically. Yep.
Thank you. All right, Dave.
Second cousins, basically. Fuck you, Whitey.
All right, let's party, Dave.

Speaker 46 Dorian and I are going to be Christ. I'm fucking

Speaker 46 mostly Irish. Come on.

Speaker 33 Shut up. Oh, that's so pathetic that you're trying to align with us.

Speaker 33 I feel like the Irish are kind of black, too. This is just a party of three black men.
I'm sorry. I think you're all very wheezy.

Speaker 33 Fuck, you really just took all the fun out of what I had going with you, honestly. But all right, fine.
But

Speaker 33 are we now on merch allowed to say a podcast hosted by three black men? Please.

Speaker 33 That'd be fucking awesome. All right.
Here we go, Dave. Where are we going?

Speaker 46 It is the McMinnville News from McMinnville, Oregon, January 15th, 1902.

Speaker 33 We definitely got rid of this town, obviously, right?

Speaker 33 I mean, I've never heard of it.

Speaker 33 Yeah, I love towns that we get rid of.

Speaker 46 Let's look it up. But I like when a town just no longer exists.

Speaker 33 Yeah, it just doesn't make the cop or just a neighbor. Sorry, we're good.

Speaker 46 Let's see.

Speaker 46 It's the county seat of the most populous city in Yam Hill, Oregon.

Speaker 33 Yam Hill?

Speaker 46 Yam Hill County, Oregon.

Speaker 46 So population. The city

Speaker 46 had a population of 20,000.

Speaker 33 Yeah, so it's a...

Speaker 46 Oh, population 35,000.

Speaker 33 So there's a similar

Speaker 33 actual, yeah, it's a place.

Speaker 33 So happy to hear that it's growing.

Speaker 33 I like to hear a good old-fashioned American story. Oh, man.
That's right.

Speaker 33 That's right. Hold on tight.

Speaker 33 I'm sure this newspaper is all about growth and prosperity. Oh, yeah.
This is going to be a feel-good paper for sure.

Speaker 33 We have a railroad now. Well, by the way, Oregon is the whitest state, David?

Speaker 46 Yeah, I think so. It's very up there.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 33 The three of us are.

Speaker 46 I would think Alaska would be, but

Speaker 33 oh my god.

Speaker 33 I went to Alaska not too long ago, and I was astounded by two things, the whiteness and the fact that it felt like it was still 1991 there. Like, it was genuinely,

Speaker 33 I was like,

Speaker 33 it was like, you know, when like your phone forces you to do an update? It feels like Alaska's just been ignoring an update for like 30 years. It's like the cold makes the time go slower.

Speaker 33 Yeah, they're a little frozen. They're like coming along slowly.
You know, they're just like, they just got like

Speaker 33 AOL discs. They're like, we can finally get some internet.

Speaker 33 I thought there were people of color up there. I thought there was still a lot of Native American folks up there.
Well, yeah, you're right. You're right.

Speaker 33 Yes. But when you go to the city, like I was in Anchorage and I was genuinely,

Speaker 33 I was like, this is...

Speaker 33 It's white.

Speaker 33 Okay, so the white.

Speaker 33 That's right.

Speaker 46 Yeah, Alaska's not close. I was totally wrong.

Speaker 46 I just assumed there would be less

Speaker 33 Americans.

Speaker 46 Yeah. It's Maine, Vermont, West Virginia, New Hampshire, Wyoming, Iowa.

Speaker 33 Yeah, there you go. Iowa?

Speaker 46 Oh, yeah. Iowa's fucking really white.
Yeah.

Speaker 33 That's why it shouldn't be the first state to vote.

Speaker 46 Yeah,

Speaker 46 it's 89.8% white.

Speaker 33 Oh my god. Why do we let them vote in the primaries? Oh, they shouldn't.
Why do we let them decide our country's fate? It's crazy.

Speaker 33 Well, but let's be fair. We don't do primaries anymore, so it's pretty irrelevant.
No, yeah, we're done with the election period.

Speaker 33 So it's kind of like fun little relic of the past. Yeah, so it's kinda well, let them fuck let them enjoy their cosplay.

Speaker 46 Okay, this is uh oh, by the way, McMinnville is between Portland and the Chinook Casino on the coast.

Speaker 33 So

Speaker 33 it's right halfway in between. Okay.

Speaker 46 Schoolboys today found a written confession purported to have been made by the unknown suicide who Friday blew his head off with dynamite.

Speaker 33 Oh my God.

Speaker 46 I mean, that's a fucking suicide.

Speaker 33 Oh, my God. Dynamite? I really didn't know.

Speaker 46 That's not. You're not going to miss.

Speaker 33 You're not going to be like, wake up in the hospital.

Speaker 46 You're not going to hold wake up in the hospital like, oh, fuck, that didn't work.

Speaker 33 Dynamite. That's going to work.

Speaker 33 Yeah, you're gone. It's fucking amazing if it didn't, though.
And that means you really wanted to end it. Because it's not like a gun.
You don't press it and then it fires.

Speaker 33 You lit it and then you held it and you had to sneak.

Speaker 33 The guts to hold the lit dynamite to your head

Speaker 33 it's a hard one it's a harder one because the the gun is like it it's like you it's instant yeah you pull the trigger it's you've got to hold like you're hearing like the

Speaker 33 yeah

Speaker 33 yeah right right

Speaker 33 that's some what was that that's a man with conviction that was a wick

Speaker 33 do they know why

Speaker 46 do they know why okay um the note unfortunately exploded oh so Schoolboys found a confession in which he confesses to having murdered H. Garrison, a wouldbe island rancher in 1894.

Speaker 46 Oh, so he killed someone eight years ago.

Speaker 33 And then, so he took his own life because with dynamite? Yeah. With dynamite.
He was so over the top.

Speaker 46 It is fucking Wily Coyote.

Speaker 33 True.

Speaker 33 Sorry, his anvil didn't get there on time.

Speaker 33 Yeah, he tried to jump up again, but it didn't look down, so he couldn't couldn't do it fuck that is nuts that is nuts and then schoolboys find the confession of the self-dynamiter

Speaker 33 at least they didn't find the body of the self-dynamiter that would be worse how could you he was all pieced out whatever happened to like sepiku or like something that's much quieter yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 33 that would no i mean that's it's i mean it's very america

Speaker 33 it's so over the top that it's very america a little patriotic yeah that's kind of like, it's kind of awesome. It's kind of my new way to go, honestly.

Speaker 33 Except I would go jogging. I would go running.

Speaker 33 You know what I'd do? I'd light it and I would jump off a building.

Speaker 33 Mid-drop pop. Yeah, that's what I'd do.
Like a seagull that ate Elka Seltzer. I'd like to see.

Speaker 33 Yeah. Oh, totally.
Totally. Just

Speaker 33 multiple flips i'm doing a 720 and i'm sticking to the landing

Speaker 33 if you want to dive it like the second your feet hit the ground you oh my god

Speaker 46 uh garrison's body was found in a well in a mutilated condition nearly two years after the crime was committed oh so he killed himself in 1896 and they found the body. They just found the confession.

Speaker 33 Oh, and then they were like, oh, let's go check this well.

Speaker 46 No, they had already found the body.

Speaker 33 Oh, okay.

Speaker 46 And they just found the letter.

Speaker 33 Did he kill himself in 1902 or did he kill himself?

Speaker 33 He killed. Yeah.
He killed.

Speaker 46 He murdered the guy in 1894. He killed himself two years later.
And then they found the letter six years later.

Speaker 33 Oh, I thought it was saying that he killed himself in 1902. They found the body in 1986, 1996.
86?

Speaker 33 1996.

Speaker 33 There's not much left, Sarge.

Speaker 33 Let us find a bone in a well. Well,

Speaker 33 this must be the guy who dynamited the baby. Pretty sure this is the dynamite body.

Speaker 46 Oh, the plot thickens. Walter Irving, the murdered man's former farmhand, was arrested and convicted of the crime and sentenced to 20 years.
Oh, fuck.

Speaker 33 First of all.

Speaker 33 A crime you didn't commit. And also, gotta love that 20-year murder sentence.
Those are the fucking days.

Speaker 33 Those are the fucking days, man. Murder 20 years.

Speaker 33 I mean, really. I mean,

Speaker 33 I remember when I used to work construction, I one day, my, this fucking jacked dude and I were breaking, like basically demolishing a veranda. And we were standing there.

Speaker 33 And he said to me, he goes, he goes, I really never asked any follow-up questions. It was one of those things where I worked with him for like two days, and we were getting along fine.

Speaker 33 And uh, he goes,

Speaker 33 He somehow jail came up, and he goes, Oh man, I went to jail once, and I go, For what? And he goes, Murder. And I was like, All right,

Speaker 33 I was like, Ookie dokie. I wasn't like, How did you get out? I was like, If you want to tell me stuff, go for it.
Otherwise, I'm good to not talk any further about what happened back there.

Speaker 33 Yep, okey-dokie, sir. I was like,

Speaker 33 Wow. Wow.
Murder.

Speaker 33 Okay.

Speaker 33 All righty.

Speaker 33 I'll start carrying some of the debris out, mister.

Speaker 33 Anyway, we got scaffolding to do, sir. Well, I think we should probably

Speaker 33 get some. Oh my god.

Speaker 33 Because you know the victim? Actually, I don't want to know. It doesn't matter.
Don't tell me.

Speaker 33 It's all good.

Speaker 46 It's a guy I work with.

Speaker 33 Same.

Speaker 33 My first one was a murder.

Speaker 46 The annual report of the superintendent of the dead letter office shows that people have not become less careless in using the mail as a means of forwarding valuables and letters.

Speaker 33 Now, see, I'm going to put an article.

Speaker 33 If I'm the editor, I'm putting an article in between the guy who took his own life with dynamite and a letter being found and this article about about dead letters.

Speaker 33 Because I'm worried that there's a little too much of a tie-in that people are like, wait, he mailed a dead letter? I think the editor thought he was being so cute. Yeah, maybe.
Yeah.

Speaker 33 He was like, those two titles of dead people letters. Aha.
It's called a segue, gentlemen. People are stealing necklaces.
Yeah.

Speaker 46 During the last year, the dead letter office received nearly 6 million unclaimed letters.

Speaker 46 Of these, 87,852 were dropped into the post office. Was that without any address at all?

Speaker 33 Okay, if you're the post office,

Speaker 33 Bob.

Speaker 33 Can you get this to buy?

Speaker 33 You'll find him.

Speaker 33 How many Josh Smiths could there be? Tall guy, weird hand.

Speaker 33 Find him.

Speaker 33 He lives out west. You'll know him.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 33 Everyone knows him. Not knowing how addresses work back then.
Being like blown away by the mail, being like, I can't believe they're going to get it to Tony that easily.

Speaker 33 But here's what you do.

Speaker 33 If you're the post office in this time and you've got all the, what you do is like you hold a competition and you Charlie in the chocolate factory it where 40 people get to come down and open a hundred letters each and that's it.

Speaker 33 You just go, yeah, it's just, it's a fun giveaway. That's a good idea.
Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 33 yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 46 Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 33 Um,

Speaker 33 the number of letters reached you. I think this is as, I think this is the best anything I've ever said has gone on a podcast.

Speaker 46 I think you're right.

Speaker 33 I don't think any, I don't think two people have ever been that receptive to something that I've said.

Speaker 33 No, I like the idea of opening other people's mail, Gareth. That really, that's my, that's my speed.
Thank you. My mom is a postal worker, and she's like, we really can't do that.

Speaker 33 I'm like, let let me, come on. Oh, let me.

Speaker 33 Give it a shot.

Speaker 33 Who's going to know?

Speaker 33 Honestly, who's going to know?

Speaker 33 I'll lick it shut. They won't even know.
The relick.

Speaker 33 Your mom's like, look, Dory, the relick never works. Trust me.
I've tried. They can tell.
It's got that old envelope dust on it.

Speaker 33 Oh, come on. They won't know.

Speaker 33 But you know, like the envelope technology, like when you accidentally seal something and they're like, I got to put one more thing in there and then you open it and you're like,

Speaker 33 you only get one crack.

Speaker 33 It's so impossible. You only get one crack.

Speaker 46 I remember, I feel like it was

Speaker 46 iPods or something, but a long time ago when they first started, like, you could order them online, it was like 30%

Speaker 33 weren't reaching their destination. Oh, wow, really? It's like this crazy amount.
I mean, yeah.

Speaker 33 I guess if you're going to open one, you know, go for it. Yeah.

Speaker 46 The number of letters reaching the dead letter office, which contained money, was $47,000. And the amount of money enclosed aggregated $42,854.

Speaker 33 What was that? That's a lot of money.

Speaker 33 Yeah, what was that?

Speaker 46 That's a lot of fucking money. That's good money.
Yeah, that's like back. That's like, that's got to be 10 times that, I would imagine.

Speaker 33 $20,000 in today's.

Speaker 46 It's like $43,000.

Speaker 33 You know what's going to be funny is like as things get worse, eventually we we won't need to do those conversions anymore. We'll be like, about the same.

Speaker 33 It's going to be 50 grand in today's money. It's about $1,600,000.
That's why you do the giveaway.

Speaker 33 Yeah. Get them down there with the golden ticket.

Speaker 46 While 175,000 letters received at the dead letter office contain postage stamps, 39,000,000 contained drafts, notes, and other valuable papers with a face value of 1,178,000.

Speaker 33 Hmm. That is

Speaker 33 crazy.

Speaker 46 The grand total of letters, parcels, et cetera, opened at the dead letter office because of no other means of determining for whom they were destined or by whom they were sent was 7,663,751.

Speaker 46 That's a lot, man. So, what do they do with them?

Speaker 46 Well, what do you mean? The letters? They're just opening them because they're going to try to figure figure out who it's actually supposed to go to.

Speaker 33 That job is horrible.

Speaker 46 Well, no, I'm stuffing.

Speaker 33 I own a house.

Speaker 46 What are you talking about? Like, I'm just putting money in my pocket all the time.

Speaker 33 Oh, 100%. Yeah.
But also, if you're like,

Speaker 33 if you're actually tasked with trying to locate where these things are supposed to go, you're like, this is so stupid.

Speaker 33 Hi, Barbara. I just wanted to check in and see how your new bowls are doing.

Speaker 33 Oklahoma just became a state and now i have to take something there

Speaker 33 that's bullshit honestly i do think it'll be fun to get a time machine and just go back in time and just have so much money oh yeah

Speaker 33 yeah what's in my bank account right now is like okay uh

Speaker 33 back then

Speaker 33 it's different oh yeah back then you're like

Speaker 33 you're fucking royalty you're carnigy of town yeah i mean you literally would like that would be We just did a dollop episode the other night on a guy who bait.

Speaker 33 Like, you basically were just like, I own a city now.

Speaker 33 Like, if you just struck at the right time.

Speaker 33 I was literally reading about Andrew Carnegie yesterday on, like, the train. And, like.

Speaker 33 They kind of just did that with him in Pittsburgh. Like, you just bought so much philanthropy there.
They were just like, yeah, I guess you're the guy now.

Speaker 33 No, it's also, it's so funny the way. Well, first of all, like, even thinking of it as philanthropic is funny, but in today's terms, they were incredibly giving.

Speaker 33 But even back then, it was like it was pittance. I mean, they were just making money hand over fist, and then they'd just be like, I got everyone a party sub.
And people would be like, he's a hero.

Speaker 33 It's interesting because, like, you read what Carnegie did, and you're like, wow, because Carnegie was more about it than like even like Bill Gates is now. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 33 But then you read what everyone else was doing and you're like, oh, oh, I can see why they thought Carnegie was a hero. The rest of you were like monsters.
Yeah, well, they were like competitively.

Speaker 33 I mean, I think they used to just be like more aware that people were going to try to kill them. Right, Dave? Like, was that part of it?

Speaker 33 Carnegie famously left the country because he knew there was about to be like a strike, and he was like, Well, somebody else is going to have to take the fall for this because I'm in Scotland.

Speaker 33 That's right. Yeah, that was.
We did

Speaker 33 an episode on the

Speaker 33 South Fork. I can't remember.
I can't even fucking remember the name of it, Fishing and Hunting Club. Oh, the biggest thing.
And it was like,

Speaker 33 and it was like that. He was like, he was just fucking in Scotland when it was like the greatest flood of all time had taken place.

Speaker 33 And he just was like, I'll just be in France and Scotland for a little while.

Speaker 33 For like, there's like several different occasions where, like, if you look in the controversy section of his like Wikipedia, he's like mysteriously in Scotland when like something horrific happens.

Speaker 33 And I'm like,

Speaker 33 mysteriously. Yeah.
We know. Yeah.

Speaker 33 Yeah. We know.

Speaker 33 But then he built that town a library, so it's fine that they'd build a library and be like, what an awesome guy. No, that's what people get on like Jeff Bezos.

Speaker 33 They're like, look, I'm not saying he's the best guy in the world, but he gave $500,000 to like, you dumb motherfucker. You're fucking idiot.
You're the fucking idiot.

Speaker 33 What amount of money could Jeff Bezos give you where you'd be a fan?

Speaker 33 Give me?

Speaker 33 Well, now this is just fucked up. Now I'm like, now you just

Speaker 33 see what piece of shit I am. Gareth, you might be listening to this.
This could change your life. Oh, if he is.
I don't know.

Speaker 33 Five.

Speaker 33 I mean,

Speaker 33 yeah, I was going to say five. If you gave me five million, I'd be like, I'll stop talking about you.

Speaker 33 That's the problem. The problem is if you finally, like, every time we send someone to be our voice inside of the club, they get inside the club and they're like, club is pretty cool.

Speaker 33 And you're like, No, no, no, no. Remet the whole deal, the whole deal.

Speaker 33 Yeah,

Speaker 33 yeah.

Speaker 33 No, we gotta have the club inside the club, but also they should let me in the club like one time before they shut down the club. Yeah, that's just let me see what it's like.

Speaker 33 I don't know if the clubs ever get shut down. I'm sorry.
I'm depressing.

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Speaker 12 with herbs and uh adaptogens uh you're you're not just gonna find gummies like this in a dispensary or really anywhere for that matter special stuff and they have gummies for literally everything immune support menopause relief pms symptoms mental clarity sexual arousal Oh, boy.

Speaker 41 is tested using federally legal cannabis grown on small family-owned American farms.

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Speaker 46 English consoles saves the life of an American sailor.

Speaker 46 In recalling incidents of international courtesy when British and Americans have supported each other, a writer in the Boston Transcript tells the following story, which came from an American sailor who had landed a port in Chile.

Speaker 46 The men had gone ashore and become somewhat hilarious as one of the police officers.

Speaker 33 What does that mean?

Speaker 33 I just love, I love what terms have changed. They were somewhat hilarious.

Speaker 33 They were doing impressions that were quite spot off.

Speaker 33 No, they went there and they were hysterical, is what it means.

Speaker 33 And one of the police officers, instead of

Speaker 33 waiting,

Speaker 33 they were doing improv over there.

Speaker 33 The men pulled a sword doing the mural.

Speaker 33 Yes, and that's why this dump has finally accepted an intern.

Speaker 33 A droll premise if I've ever heard one.

Speaker 46 Instead of warning him not to make a noise in the street, drew his sword and knocked him down.

Speaker 33 Okay, so that's how you do it.

Speaker 46 So a guy went crazy, and one of the cops pulled his sword and knocked him down. And the American got up

Speaker 46 and promptly knocked the policeman down in return.

Speaker 33 Man.

Speaker 33 Solidarity with my nigga down in Chile.

Speaker 33 Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 33 Stand your ground, son. I love it.
I'm bout it.

Speaker 33 We doing our thing. Yeah.
We're doing our thing down there.

Speaker 33 And then as expected,

Speaker 46 as expected, he was arrested, tried, and condemned to be shot the next morning.

Speaker 33 Who? The guy who got knocked?

Speaker 46 Oh, fuck me. The guy who knocked the cop down.

Speaker 33 They're like, no, you're dying. Fuck me.
It just never fucking ends.

Speaker 33 I didn't know ACAB was also. I mean, ACAB spans space and time.
ACAB was Chile in 1902. I mean, ACAB is literally everywhere forever.

Speaker 33 I don't even know Chile was a country yet, but the police were already digging. No, and even before, like, cops, it was like, ACAB still holds.
It's just a different version.

Speaker 33 You're out on like the Mesopotamia and like you just look out and see like some cop-looking dude. And you're like, oh, yeah, I can tell.
Here we go.

Speaker 33 He's got a mustache. Yeah, there we are.

Speaker 46 Mr. Lauren, the American consul,

Speaker 46 expostulated with the authorities, saying,

Speaker 46 not a word, saying that it would be monstrous to put a man to death for such an offense, but they paid no attention to him. And on the day specified...

Speaker 33 all he did was kill a cop.

Speaker 46 He didn't kill a cop.

Speaker 33 Well, I mean, he

Speaker 33 punched the cop. That might as well be killing him.
He punched a cop. Yeah, you knocked a cop over.
Yeah.

Speaker 33 That's murder. Yeah.

Speaker 33 They're dumb on you. I've known they aren't for sure.

Speaker 33 I keep seeing them getting deceptive.

Speaker 46 I keep seeing him getting taken down by fentanyl.

Speaker 33 The only thing to knock a cop down.

Speaker 33 They're in a kilometer radius of fentanyl, and all of a sudden they just

Speaker 33 die immediately.

Speaker 46 It's like kryptonite in Superman.

Speaker 33 Oh, man, it's so funny. Oh, no, I grow weak.
There must be fentanyl.

Speaker 33 Their powers of racism and brutality grow weaker. I

Speaker 33 can't kill the innocent right now. Pulling up fentanyl to a cop.
Can't get a hold of fentanyl?

Speaker 33 We're from the planet Fenton.

Speaker 46 On the day specified, the sale was brought out and pinioned for readiness for execution.

Speaker 33 So many words. Okay.
Pinioned. Okay.

Speaker 46 Now, the English consul, preparing to hoist the Union Jack, saw a crowd in the field opposite and realized that the execution was about to take place.

Speaker 46 And he rushed over to the American consul and cried, Loring, you're not going to let them shoot that man.

Speaker 46 What can I do? was the answer. I protested against it.
I can do no more. Give me your flag, cried the Englishman.

Speaker 46 And with the two flags in hand, he ran to the field, elbowed his way through the crowd.

Speaker 33 All right.

Speaker 33 It's like it's flag fanfic, too. It's like, this is how it is.
This is what like America, like Dallas guys with Trump trucks think the flag flag means like, respect this flag, sir.

Speaker 33 Like, this feels like it should be accompanied with the most homoerotic AI rendition you've ever thought of.

Speaker 33 It's called the Union Jack Off.

Speaker 33 Two big muscular men holding each other. We're like, bulges, you know, like, this isn't gay, it's masculine.
It's just flag stuff.

Speaker 46 With two flags in his hand, he ran to the field, elbowed his way through the crowd and

Speaker 46 soldiery and reached the prisoner.

Speaker 33 This is like

Speaker 33 a Killer Jenner Pepsi commercial.

Speaker 33 Literally,

Speaker 33 it's a one-to-one recreation.

Speaker 33 He ran through the crowd and he handed them a Coca-Cola with real cocaine in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 46 He folded the American flag about him and laid the Union jack over it, and he stepped back and faced the officers and soldiery.

Speaker 33 Ah, yeah. So, what the fuck do you think that means? What are you doing?

Speaker 46 Shoot if you dare, he shouted

Speaker 33 through the heart of England and America.

Speaker 46 And the man was not shot.

Speaker 33 What the fuck? The fuck

Speaker 46 is absolute fucking bullshit.

Speaker 33 I've heard that question

Speaker 33 a million times. Yeah, there's no way.

Speaker 33 No way.

Speaker 33 And that man's name? Donald Trump. Donald J.
Trump.

Speaker 33 I'm Donald Trump, and this for sure happened.

Speaker 33 I'm Donald Trump, and I carried the Union Jack across the field. Whatever their little gay British flag is, and the stars and bars.

Speaker 46 Go over it, Ed. You know how Trump is on the White House roof?

Speaker 33 It's like the funniest shit I've ever seen.

Speaker 33 What do you make of that?

Speaker 46 You know that two years ago, the onion did that exact story. Trump is up on the roof of the White House to distract from whatever.

Speaker 46 They did that exact story.

Speaker 33 It's Epstein drop cover-up shit. He just walked out on the roof.
A guy can't even hang out on his roof no more.

Speaker 33 How great would it have been if he started barbecuing?

Speaker 33 A guy can't even grill no more. He went up there to grill, and y'all was messing with him too much.
How do you guys like your burgers?

Speaker 33 What's a hot dog? It's a nice medium rare, the rarest.

Speaker 33 Just grilling. Donald Trump is on the roof of the White House having a cookout.

Speaker 33 What have been the most relatable thing he's done in years?

Speaker 33 Truly.

Speaker 33 That's why he couldn't do it. He would like, you're too young to remember this, but when George Bush was president, he goes to the grocery store for a photo op to act regular.

Speaker 33 And the cashier is like scanning him out, and he's like, and what is that? And they were like, what's what? And he's like, I said like a laser thing. And everyone's like, Mr.

Speaker 33 President, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 33 Why is it like a reoccurring thing that Republican presidents do not understand groceries? Yeah, I don't know. They just are unable to like.

Speaker 33 It's just so fucking shocking.

Speaker 46 Rich people never go shopping, never go shopping for themselves, which is never

Speaker 46 maybe their whole life. Like the Bushes were riches forever.
So he probably never never went to a grocery store.

Speaker 33 Well, when you read about like King Charles now, the

Speaker 33 absolute out of fucking touchness that it is, it is un the guy has never tied his own shoes. He doesn't brush his own teeth.
I mean, this is crazy shit.

Speaker 46 Wait, what? He doesn't brush his own teeth.

Speaker 33 Like, he doesn't. He gets at minimum, someone hands him the toothbrush with toothpaste on it.
Wow.

Speaker 33 Wow. Like, even if I was rich as shit, I would, you know what I mean? I'd be like, I'll

Speaker 33 brush my teeth. It's not that.
I mean, but imagine if you've been raised that rich. I know, but even then, I think I would still have this.

Speaker 33 I mean,

Speaker 33 I think I would still have a compulsion to be like, what are regulars doing? I want to try that version a little bit more.

Speaker 46 So you want that guy to be unemployed?

Speaker 33 I wish I'd have that, but I think if I'd grown up rich enough, I would.

Speaker 33 I don't even think. I think I wouldn't even take a step.
I think I'd be carried everywhere. Yeah.

Speaker 33 I would bring back chariots.

Speaker 46 Well, that was an unexpected turn. I got to be honest.

Speaker 33 The way he said it, though, did sell me on it a little bit.

Speaker 33 Imagine, like, you go outside, and like, before you even have to step on the ground, there's just like two horses and a horseman waiting for you. I don't look.
I don't. I'm not.
That I get.

Speaker 33 I get that. It's the brushing the cheek.

Speaker 33 I would brush my own gut. You know what I mean? Like, the idea that you'd have to even explain to someone logistically to hit like certain zones, it's fucking nuts.
Or what the fuck? Get a sonic hair.

Speaker 33 Like, he probably has a weird, like, horse-bristle brush.

Speaker 33 It probably hurts to brush your teeth back then. You needed a guy for it.
I hate that I'm defending the king, but like, they didn't have to be. Listen to you.
Such a fucking homer.

Speaker 33 Do I think he wipes his own ass? Is a great question.

Speaker 33 And

Speaker 33 even then. Doesn't Charles wipe his ass?

Speaker 46 I don't know. Like, most kids, you know, learn to wipe their ass at a certain age, but I bet he was like way older when he learned to wipe his own ass, like 10.

Speaker 33 Well,

Speaker 33 it sounds like historically, through AI, the king was, the ass was

Speaker 33 wiped.

Speaker 46 So it's probably still the same. They probably have an ass wiper.

Speaker 33 There was an assistant for the monarch, including

Speaker 33 the toilet.

Speaker 33 do you think you treated him well

Speaker 33 do you think what

Speaker 46 that's the guy that's

Speaker 33 well

Speaker 33 imagine

Speaker 46 imagine you got to call that guy up and be like hey man i i had a big day at the wing dome and uh

Speaker 46 i ate a lot of wings i'm gonna need you i'm gonna need you extra early tomorrow and probably be a long day

Speaker 33 well

Speaker 33 overtime son there was there's this other thing where like

Speaker 33 he

Speaker 33 a groom i can't can't even

Speaker 33 like when he goes out on a fox hunt his hard-boiled eggs are supposed to be cooked a very specific way for when he comes back so someone is cooking hard boiled eggs around like a two-hour time span just

Speaker 33 throwing them so that that so when he comes back it's perfectly hot and cooked perfectly for him and so they're just tossing eggs just to like

Speaker 33 make sure when he comes back he has like four perfect or whatever it's fucking nuts i mean just come on, just begging for overthrownedness.

Speaker 33 I hope the octopus culture that comes after us learns from this. God, it's just gonna be all.

Speaker 33 You really do get to the point where you're like, I'm look,

Speaker 33 I'm, I don't want to die, but if I just get to watch them crumble too, let's go. I'm okay with that.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 33 Like, if I just get to watch, like, if I was burning in a fire with Elon Musk, I'd be like,

Speaker 33 Yeah, like I could have burned the fire alone. It's like, it's like homework,

Speaker 33 yeah. Whatever it is, I'd be like, You're dying.
He'd be like, You're dying too. I'd be like, Yeah, but you're dying.

Speaker 33 You idiot. By the way,

Speaker 33 it's like he's on the podcast.

Speaker 46 By the way, the Octopi are building cities. They're building, currently building three cities that they found.

Speaker 33 Let's go. With things,

Speaker 33 octopi.

Speaker 46 Dorian's like they have the octopus of the world are starting to build cities. Let's go.

Speaker 33 Where are you? Still wild and woolly.

Speaker 33 They have a post office where they just have a bunch of like envelopes. This isn't even a town yet.

Speaker 46 Still wild and woolly. Oregon Man makes another dance, a jig to the tune of a sharpshooter.

Speaker 46 This is the story of a starky Prairie resident compelled to dance a clog in the darkness at the point of the gleaming barrel of a neighbor's revolver

Speaker 46 while simulated constantly to greater effort by the whistle of bullets past his ears and about his feet.

Speaker 33 Okay.

Speaker 33 Keep going.

Speaker 46 There's been ill feeling for several weeks on Starkey Prairie over a series of dog killings.

Speaker 33 Oh, fuck me. Oh.

Speaker 33 See, I should have gotten the comedy in. The headline sounded like it was going to be fun.
It's goofy nuts.

Speaker 33 Everything that's come out has gotten sad. Yeah, now it's dog killings.
It's dog killing, the shooting at your neighbor.

Speaker 33 I can get with the shooting at your neighbor. This dog killings is never going to be fertile.
Well, maybe

Speaker 33 you can't dance at gunpoint over a dog killing just feels so dark. No, but you remember dog killing, and I enjoy it.

Speaker 46 I think you, if my neighbor killed my dog, I would make them dance a jig for

Speaker 33 them.

Speaker 33 I would kill them.

Speaker 33 They'd be dancing a jig and then dead.

Speaker 33 I mean, I don't know what I'd do. I'd make him eat dog food while I was like being crazy.
I'd be all boozed up and I'd be like, eat his food, you piece of shit.

Speaker 33 I'm going to walk you.

Speaker 33 I'm going to walk you around the block.

Speaker 33 I'd be like, I love this goddamn mine.

Speaker 33 Poop, and I'm going to pretend to pick it up with this bag.

Speaker 33 What? Poop, and I'm going to pretend I'm picking it up, you piece of shit. He's like,

Speaker 33 why don't you actually just pick it up? I never did that with sparks.

Speaker 33 Which is probably why he did that. Sparks? Actually,

Speaker 33 that's why I did that. Oh, well, yeah, I guess that was pretty fucked up.

Speaker 33 Sorry.

Speaker 33 I should be more courteous as a neighbor. I'm still going to have to kill you, but going forward, I understand.

Speaker 46 Neighbors suspected each other of the poisonings, and a lot of bad blood was engendered.

Speaker 33 They didn't even know.

Speaker 46 No, they don't know who's doing it.

Speaker 33 No, you can't make somebody dance a gunpoint on a hunch.

Speaker 46 Yeah, you can. That's the best way to do it.

Speaker 33 Do the hokey pokey. 60%.
Do the hokey pokey. Do the hokey pokey.
All right. There you go.
Let me see some river dance.

Speaker 33 Lose the shirt. Lose the shirt.

Speaker 46 Little meanness began to be practiced, the latest of which

Speaker 46 was to tie a bulldog of pronounced vicious tendencies

Speaker 46 on a Starky Prairie Bridge after dark. This was designed to scare a team.
of horses. Okay, so they are using the dogs to fuck with other people.
So that might be why the dogs are getting killed.

Speaker 46 So it was a settler named R. Wilkinson who fell into the trap.

Speaker 46 Wilkinson drove directly on the bridge when the Bulldog began to operate with the result that he nearly had serious trouble with his colts.

Speaker 46 And Wilkinson settled in his mind the author of the trick immediately and drove straight to the house of Henry Bean. Bean, he thought, was the transgressor.

Speaker 46 Who else could it be? It's fucking Bean.

Speaker 46 If it's a fucking bulldog on a bridge, it's got to be Bean. Come on, put it together.

Speaker 33 What are you talking about? Put it together. Who else would do that? I don't know.
No, Dave's cooking. It's got to be Ban.
He's not cooking.

Speaker 33 There's no cooking.

Speaker 33 It's Trump on the White House roof. There's no cooking.

Speaker 33 It's being. We're telling you, it's being.

Speaker 33 We're pretty sure Bean is the main guy on Epstein Island.

Speaker 33 Who would scare the horses? It's being.

Speaker 33 It's obviously Bean. It's got Bean written all over it.

Speaker 46 Calling Bean to the door, Wilkinson had him covered before he could escape, and a clog dance was ordered.

Speaker 33 Clog dance. I don't have clogs.
My friend will be over with some soon.

Speaker 33 Just waiting for your guy to bring over. I don't know where he is.
He's supposed to be here a little while ago.

Speaker 46 The eloquence of the six-shooter induced compliance, and the suspected bulldog operator began awkwardly to shuffle.

Speaker 33 That's

Speaker 33 funny.

Speaker 33 Suspected Bulldog operator.

Speaker 33 That's such a, I wish that was my JD, dude.

Speaker 33 That's like a Tinder job.

Speaker 33 Bulldog operator. Suspected Bulldog operator.

Speaker 46 Faster, Arter Wilkinson. And

Speaker 33 by the way,

Speaker 33 if you ever in this, but you got to do a faster. You have no choice.
You got to do it.

Speaker 33 Faster. It's like dance, dance, revolution.
Faster.

Speaker 33 Does nobody's ever danced a gunpoint fast enough?

Speaker 33 No.

Speaker 46 No, I'm doing the slowest shuffle ever. you

Speaker 33 slow dance

Speaker 46 as a bullet thing, startly

Speaker 33 you can dance so slow and sad that they would stop making you do it. Absolutely.

Speaker 33 It would be fun to try

Speaker 33 the slowest, saddest twerking. Yeah, you're trying to be real sexy.
Like, sexy might be the better move to try to be like,

Speaker 33 stop. Actually, I'm good.

Speaker 33 You like that? You like that?

Speaker 46 I do not think we're going to take it.

Speaker 33 You are good. Thank you.

Speaker 33 Audience,

Speaker 33 you have to watch this section. You guys are making me wild.

Speaker 33 Go get on the Patreon. I'm a watch.

Speaker 33 You guys are making me a wild.

Speaker 33 Ooh, my cabooses are loose.

Speaker 46 Now I'm going to kill you. Now I'm just going to shoot you in the head.

Speaker 33 Ah, I said, oh, it feels so good.

Speaker 46 As a bullet sang starting near the feet, commonly more familiar.

Speaker 33 Fucking wet.

Speaker 33 Oh, I am my fear. Oh, wow.

Speaker 33 You guys are really making me feel this.

Speaker 46 Commonly more familiar with the road behind the plow than the dance hall four, they responded crudely. Finally, Wilkinson led his victim off with the admonition to keep his bulldog at home then

Speaker 46 wait he didn't let him then he compelled him at the pistol's point to come clear to wilkinson's home so he's making him

Speaker 33 now he's gotta go he brought him all the way to his own house yeah he's yeah

Speaker 46 the method of transportation

Speaker 33 now we're going over here

Speaker 46 the method of transportation was not stated but it is said Bean had to continue dancing at intervals clear across the prairie.

Speaker 33 All right, we're going to take a quick dance break.

Speaker 33 You're going to water the horses. Don't stop dancing.

Speaker 33 Dance a lot. And more leg.

Speaker 33 The legs are just kind of doing all the arms. Your hips aren't going enough.
Come on. Shut up.

Speaker 33 Why don't you see you move them hips, Beanie? There you go, Bean.

Speaker 46 At Wilkinson's place, he was forced to sign a note making over $75 to Wilkinson.

Speaker 33 And Dean was released.

Speaker 33 So he made him dance across the prairie and give him $75 over making a dog bark at his horses.

Speaker 46 Not even so.

Speaker 46 I think he just

Speaker 46 signed a note. I think he just signed like an IOU.

Speaker 33 I mean, the whole thing sounds a little tossed together.

Speaker 33 That's all money happened to me, I think. All money was like an IOU.

Speaker 33 yeah right yeah

Speaker 33 you could have given bean says would have been like that's a that's a that's a cold benjamin right there

Speaker 33 that's the best iou times are awesome all right i think you'll find this should take care of the debt

Speaker 46 bean says he will not stand for this treatment shot it rocks

Speaker 46 Bean says he will not stand for this treatment.

Speaker 46 He is not such a pistol artist as his neighbor, says spokane falls uh spokesman review so he has employed a lawyer to help him out and legal action will result so he's gonna sue him okay that's a total drape move by the way

Speaker 33 neighbor just whoops you ass makes you dance across the prairie give them 75 like um i'm gonna get my lawyer shut up

Speaker 33 i know seriously i was on bane's side until I thought he was a bitch. Yeah, that is a fucking bitch, though.
Make your lawyer out of this. And imagine the lawyer like, so wait,

Speaker 33 what do you need? Yeah, so I'm trying to sue him because he was out of line back there. That was crazy.

Speaker 33 I feel like you'll hear it. You'll be hearing from Jenkins and Jenkins.
You'll be hearing at the end of it. You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
Wait, what?

Speaker 33 What are you talking about? You made me suck the barrel of a gun.

Speaker 33 And you won't hear the end of this discovery is like you know in retrospect the lawsuit was where the whole thing fell apart for me i should have just walked away

Speaker 33 discovery really screwed me in this case

Speaker 33 when they found out how i started dancing on him without being asked they immediately lost all sympathy like hey

Speaker 33 yeah yeah twerk twerk

Speaker 46 I sorry,

Speaker 46 you were twerking in the prairie? Can you explain that a little more out of the middle of the the city?

Speaker 33 Well, you twerked a gun and it was in his pocket, and I had to get very close to him.

Speaker 46 Give it a twerk, sir.

Speaker 33 Well, I'll be honest. At some point, I decided to try to turn this thing pretty erotic, just to sort of see what I could get out of it.
So I was doing a bunch of stuff. Twerk,

Speaker 33 crotch touching.

Speaker 33 One point I dropped my spectacles and I turned around and bent over to pick them up and was presenting Gooch, aka taint, or as we call it nowadays, the skin pasture.

Speaker 33 Show the court

Speaker 33 just puking. She just puts dynamite to her head.

Speaker 33 He's like, I told him that in 1984.

Speaker 33 I'm light.

Speaker 46 Beggars pursue Carnegie.

Speaker 33 While in Pittsburgh.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 46 While in Pittsburgh the other day, Andrew Carnegie was forced to leave the house in which he was staying by a rear door and drive off in a carriage to escape a crowd of people begging money for charitable projects, many of them for libraries.

Speaker 46 Mr. Carnegie receives over 300 begging letters a day.
No, it's just asking for charity.

Speaker 33 Begging letters. These little paupers.
Can you please pull us a library? He's like,

Speaker 33 oh, wow. We were just talking.
That's crazy. But that is, it's also such an innocent plea.
Just give us knowledge. And he's like, that's a problem.
We want a library for our children.

Speaker 33 And he's sneaking out the back door. He's like, yeah, he's like, I'm the Beatles.
I got to get out of here. I got to build another dam that's going to destroy another town.

Speaker 33 It really is just so fucking.

Speaker 33 Honestly, I would be filled with hope if I didn't know as much as I do now because of these podcasts about history. because I would be like, this can't happen.
It's like, nah, it does happen.

Speaker 33 And even if you get it away from them for a minute, the culture of evil greed is just waiting around the corner, just like, ah, time for a comeback.

Speaker 33 Every billionaire is deeply evil, except for the billionaire who I work for, who is a great guy. I think he is genuinely fantastic.
Who's this? Doing really good stuff for the world.

Speaker 33 I'm not going to say that. I just think he's awesome.

Speaker 33 What a smart answer. The philanthropy he's doing is really impactful and super important.
I'm glad to support it every day. Every other billionaire should die.

Speaker 33 Just a fine line.

Speaker 33 My guy is incredible. Okay.

Speaker 33 That is so interesting.

Speaker 33 I'm a company bad man. Well, by the way,

Speaker 46 we've said this before.

Speaker 33 Like sometimes at shows or whatever, I'll talk to people and they'll be like, I work for fucking like whatever, Amazon or something. There'd be shame and I'll be like,

Speaker 33 this is not you you've not decided that you want to align yourself with these people directly like they're eventually there will be four people to work for and they'll all be evil pieces of shit there's really yeah you know this is not on this is not a personal choice thing any longer there hasn't been an ethical way to make money in like the last like 50 years Yeah, there is,

Speaker 33 like, sometimes too, it's like I'll go to like a city where they'll, like, people will be like, they make military shit.

Speaker 33 You're just like, Yeah, no, look, it's like we're all just trying to keep you know, having HBO Max. Like, we're just all fighting the same battle.
Like, what do you want me to do?

Speaker 33 Not work at the blood factory? It's the only place it's hiring. I know, yeah.

Speaker 33 Someone's got to take the skin off these kids' skulls for charity.

Speaker 33 Do you think these blood bass pour themselves? Yeah. Look,

Speaker 33 we got to get marrow out of these boys. This is organic, bone to table.

Speaker 46 Disqualifying man for kinghood. Adioni Bezek.
I don't know.

Speaker 33 Whoa, I'm going to need you to say that one one more time, mister.

Speaker 46 Adoni, Adoni Bezak.

Speaker 33 Adoni Bezak. Addoni Bezak.
It's so musical the way you said it before. Adioli.
Adoni Bezak. Adioni Bezak.

Speaker 33 Adioni Bezak.

Speaker 46 Mentioned in the book of Judges. I love when people get mad at me because I don't know how to pronounce religious shit.
And I'm like, buddy,

Speaker 46 you should feel bad for knowing how to pronounce religious shit.

Speaker 46 Mentioned in the book of Judges was captured by the Jews who cut off his thumbs and great toes.

Speaker 46 This was done to prevent his making an attempt to regain his throne, as in the East, a maimed man could not be king.

Speaker 33 Wow.

Speaker 33 That is not shocking, and yet so fucking horrible.

Speaker 46 I mean, that keeps him off the that keeps him off the yeah.

Speaker 33 That would be so great if that's how, like, if like

Speaker 33 so that was the same for president. I mean, you literally, like, Trump got his ears shot off, and he'd be like, sorry, buddy.

Speaker 33 Campaign's over.

Speaker 33 I mean, not that because that's fake, but don't, yeah, obviously that was AI.

Speaker 33 I don't think that.

Speaker 33 Why would you cut off his thumb? That's just cruelty.

Speaker 33 Yeah, that is the worst one.

Speaker 33 Yeah. This is equivalent to...
Yeah.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 46 Yeah, you could take off a pinky.

Speaker 33 Oh, pinky could go. Pinky.
I would let you do that for free. Yeah, pinky could go.
Pinky ring finger middle,

Speaker 33 one thumb. That's fair to me.

Speaker 46 If you say you let someone take off your pinky for free, how much are you letting people take off the thumb for?

Speaker 46 And also, where is this market? that this is a thing.

Speaker 33 Dorian, I'd love to have your pinky. So if you're willing to stick with that, I'll cut it off ASAP.

Speaker 33 But you know, Price, we've had this exact conversation

Speaker 46 to prevent telegraphists'

Speaker 33 paralysis.

Speaker 33 Okay, so. Is that a dinosaur?

Speaker 46 Let me look this up. So

Speaker 46 the disease telegraphic paralysis. Telegraph clerks will hear with alarm a telegraphic analysis of a new malady reported by a French physician.

Speaker 46 An employee who has been engaged in the telegraph office for nine years found that he could not form clearly the letters U

Speaker 46 represented by two dots and a stroke, I by two dots and S by three dots. On trying to trace the letters, his hand became stiff and cramped.

Speaker 46 He then endeavored to use his thumb alone. So he's, it's, it sounds like,

Speaker 46 what do you call it when your hands are all fucked up from repetitive motion?

Speaker 33 Arthuritis.

Speaker 33 No. And carpal tunnel?

Speaker 46 Carpal tunnel. It sounds like a version of carpal tunnel tunnel because he's doing the same motion over and over.

Speaker 33 Hey, if that gave you carpal tunnel, believe me, I'd have it.

Speaker 46 What does that mean?

Speaker 33 I'm just saying, if

Speaker 33 hand locking because of a repetitive motion is

Speaker 33 a side effect

Speaker 33 that occurs,

Speaker 33 I think you'd find I'd have a lobster claw, gentlemen.

Speaker 33 Why is that?

Speaker 33 What do you mean by that?

Speaker 33 No, no, well, not writing,

Speaker 33 but

Speaker 33 certainly,

Speaker 33 let's just say

Speaker 33 dipping the pen or the quill into the ink quite a bit. Oh, so you're writing the middle.
Like you're a painter?

Speaker 33 No, no, no, no. No, no, no.

Speaker 33 If a locked hand

Speaker 33 was something that occurred because you had

Speaker 33 the appearance of

Speaker 33 some pipe in the hand and a repetitive motion, put it that way.

Speaker 33 I'm poking holes in this theory because if this were true, believe me, you'd only see me with

Speaker 33 a hand gesture that was locked with a little bit of a hole in it. The size,

Speaker 33 not tiny, but not super big of a bigger. So, like

Speaker 46 a plumber.

Speaker 33 No,

Speaker 33 I I jack off.

Speaker 33 What the disgusting? What the fuck is wrong with you? No.

Speaker 33 No, no, no. For charity.

Speaker 33 What do you mean for charity? No, no, no.

Speaker 33 No,

Speaker 46 check out for charity?

Speaker 33 No.

Speaker 33 Watching the show. That I don't believe.
No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 46 You're a charity masturbator?

Speaker 33 I give, come

Speaker 33 as much as I can every year i save what i need and i give the rest away

Speaker 33 people are calling him uh andrew come again

Speaker 33 well done

Speaker 33 okay

Speaker 33 so back to our newspaper which we really sidetracked from i agree i don't know what happened there felt like you guys kind of got a little bit to prevent telegraphs paralysis

Speaker 46 Telegraphist paralysis is to be prevented by a new telegraph key.

Speaker 33 I got that from Master. Oh, a fucking course.

Speaker 33 Here's a really bad thing that can happen because now you have to type. Oh, we have the test a thing for you.

Speaker 33 The new keypad. The new key.
It's ergonomic. Shut up.

Speaker 33 Shut up.

Speaker 46 The key has a handle large enough to be grasped by the entire hand and can be turned.

Speaker 33 Hysterical, just a jammer.

Speaker 46 And can be turned at any angle or set in any position the operator may prefer for ease.

Speaker 33 Keep working. Keep working.
Don't stop working.

Speaker 33 You know how your hand was falling off? Ooh, now we have something that you can use your whole arm. Now, yeah, I mean, that's really what they're doing.

Speaker 33 They're like, now your arm will start to take the brunt of it while that horrible hand heals. And this one's even kid-friendly.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 46 All right, one last one. This is

Speaker 46 news from the town of Wilhelmina. And it says, Wilhelmina will soon have a creamery and cheese factory.
Next, we need a drugstore, a doctor, and a lawyer. And then we will have a full-fledged town.

Speaker 33 They don't even have a

Speaker 33 this is not news from the town of Wilhelmina. This is Wilhelmina being

Speaker 33 so, so

Speaker 33 ambitious. They're so close.

Speaker 33 All we need is everything for infrastructure. If people move here, then we can have a town.

Speaker 33 That is such a

Speaker 33 they're town fishing.

Speaker 33 It's like I'll make a tourist look like a department for like my apartment.

Speaker 33 All I need is biceps, chest muscles, abs, better lower body, core strength, and another four inches, and I could be a bodybuilder.

Speaker 33 Now, you guys have to understand, I'm four wheels in an entire car away from having a car.

Speaker 33 If I had Gill's tail and was a fish, I could be a fish.

Speaker 33 Guys, I'm on the fourth floor. I'm almost an astronaut.

Speaker 33 Well, Dorian, always a pleasure.

Speaker 33 Verbose de Bose, people can go find you there and they can go watch Evil Shark Tank stay. And yeah, great dancing.

Speaker 33 Honestly, the kind of dancing that if I saw, probably wouldn't shoot you, if I'm being honest. And that's a high compliment.
I'm so glad they're high praise.

Speaker 33 Like, all the time, I get worried that somebody's going to hold me at gunpoint and I'm not going to be able to twist it. Not with those moves.

Speaker 33 No, it's very smooth. It's smooth stuff.

Speaker 33 Well, thank you for joining us, Dorian. Always a pleasure.
And we look forward to appearance number

Speaker 33 four.

Speaker 33 The episode we'll be calling Fourian. Thank you.

Speaker 33 Enjoy three in. Yep.

Speaker 33 Some of these days,

Speaker 33 you'll miss me, honey.

Speaker 33 Some of these days.