141 - The Past Times with Dorian Debose

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All right, everybody.

Welcome to the Pastimes Podcast.

Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, the great Dorian DeBose.

Dorian, welcome back.

It's good to be

third in the what?

Fourth?

It's my third time here.

Third.

oh yeah this means you're in dude i don't mean to

you're in you're in the mix dorian for next host of this show we're looking to replace dave you're profit sharing you're profiting right no dave

sorry sorry sorry yeah dave anthony jr be great i can't say

worse well thanks for joining us dorian you're in new york I met you at Kansas City very randomly.

Yeah, you met me at my home club.

I met you at your home club, the Comedy Club of Kansas City, which is great.

Do you go back there?

I need to go back more.

I just got a real ID so I can finally fly again, but I got to go back home.

It's hilarious that that's what's holding you up.

Because it's a long drive.

And also, like,

it's a long drive to go stay on my mama's couch.

Yeah.

I've been on your mama's couch.

Sorry about that.

But no, a great club.

And then now you're in New York.

You have a couple of shows you do, but the one that we were enamored with the last time you were on is Evil Shark Tank.

And

people can find information at Verbose DeBose,

D-B-O-S-C,

which is your Instagram.

But that show is people come out and pitch you fucking fucked up stuff on Shark Tank, basically.

Yeah, like we have people come in and pitch their evil business ideas to a group of evil business tycoons.

It's a really fun live show.

This last one we had people pitching like products, people pitching services.

Like we had somebody bring in a white nationalist American girl doll, which is just American Girl.

Yeah, I was going to say.

Doesn't seem

crazy now.

Another person pitched BetterHelp Conversion Therapy, which is very fun.

Thankfully, we're the only podcast that has never been sponsored by BetterHelp on purpose.

Maybe this will change.

It would be great.

I'll tell you what,

nothing makes BetterHelp thirstier than saying you reject them.

Oh, my God.

Do they want?

Oh, my God.

They are looking to fuck.

They are looking to fully fuck.

Yeah, we could have bought a house.

Oh, my God.

The guilt would have gotten us in Better Health.

And then

we were just sort of saying before, it could be a podcast.

So maybe it'll turn it into a podcast.

Who knows?

You should have one.

You know that.

Yeah, watch, watch this space.

We're gonna, we're doing something big.

We don't know what it's gonna be, but it's gonna be something.

Okay, all right.

So, people can follow you there.

Um,

well, Dorian, I don't mean to be all business as I get, but uh, you know what we're gonna do here.

We're gonna go through this newspaper now.

We're gonna guess what year this paper is from.

You have no clues.

Um,

Dave

will say you win no matter how far away you are from it.

What's going on from it?

So just guess a year

and you'll win.

But I'm still going to guess because I have a connection to some people in the audience.

Dave's light just went out.

So

some people in the audience like to know that I know what I'm doing, but just guess a year, Dorian.

I'm giving you a lot of bullshit.

I'm sorry.

I'm feeling 1897.

It's a great guess.

Great guess.

It's a great guess.

I don't think you're far off, to be quite honest with you.

But

I'll go 1909, just to keep it spot.

Dorian wins easily.

It is 1902.

Oh, that really is a split.

But it doesn't.

No, no, because Dorian was under.

And you can't go over in this game, as we've said many times.

But no, but you've seen

very.

But no, people have gone over and you've said that they've won when I've been closer.

Well, Jared, we're too excited by blackjack rules because I'm a black man.

I'm not, I don't see crazy.

I don't know.

Thank you.

So I'm not even going to do that.

I'm,

I don't know if our listeners know.

I'm black.

So

there is a coalition between black people and gingers.

I man, you know what?

I got to tell you, when that fucking TikTok trend started cooking, I was like, I'm listening.

I'm listening.

listening.

Come to daddy.

Put the content cloth, walk around on

LA.

I Pelosi it all over town.

Well, what do you think?

I mean, how, okay, as a black man, what

am I

like?

Dave's obviously just a white piece of shit.

But there's no question.

I'm close.

You and I are closer, right, than we were a year ago based on the TikTok research I've seen.

Yeah,

we learned that we were cousins, basically.

Yep.

Thank you.

All right, Dave.

Second cousins, basically.

Fuck you, Whitey.

All right, let's party, Dave.

Dorian and I are going to be Christ.

I'm fucking

mostly Irish.

Come on.

Shut up.

Oh, that's so pathetic that you're trying to align with us.

I feel like the Irish are kind of black, too.

This is just a party of three black men.

I'm sorry.

I think you're all very wheezy.

Fuck, you really just took all the fun out of what I had going with you, honestly.

But all right, fine.

But

are we now on merch allowed to say a podcast hosted by three black men?

Please.

That'd be fucking awesome.

All right.

Here we go, Dave.

Where are we going?

It is the McMinnville News from McMinnville, Oregon, January 15th, 1902.

We definitely got rid of this town, obviously, right?

I mean, I've never heard of it.

Yeah, I love towns that we get rid of.

Let's look it up.

But I like when a town just no longer exists.

Yeah, it just doesn't make the cop or just a neighbor.

Sorry, we're good.

Let's see.

It's the county seat of the most populous city in Yam Hill, Oregon.

Yam Hill?

Yam Hill County, Oregon.

So population.

The city

had a population of 20,000.

Yeah, so it's a...

Oh, population 35,000.

So there's a similar

actual, yeah, it's a place.

So happy to hear that it's growing.

I like to hear a good old-fashioned American story.

Oh, man.

That's right.

That's right.

Hold on tight.

I'm sure this newspaper is all about growth and prosperity.

Oh, yeah.

This is going to be a feel-good paper for sure.

We have a railroad now.

Well, by the way, Oregon is the whitest state, David?

Yeah, I think so.

It's very up there.

Yeah.

The three of us are.

I would think Alaska would be, but

oh my god.

I went to Alaska not too long ago, and I was astounded by two things, the whiteness and the fact that it felt like it was still 1991 there.

Like, it was genuinely,

I was like,

it was like, you know, when like your phone forces you to do an update?

It feels like Alaska's just been ignoring an update for like 30 years.

It's like the cold makes the time go slower.

Yeah, they're a little frozen.

They're like coming along slowly.

You know, they're just like, they just got like

AOL discs.

They're like, we can finally get some internet.

I thought there were people of color up there.

I thought there was still a lot of Native American folks up there.

Well, yeah, you're right.

You're right.

Yes.

But when you go to the city, like I was in Anchorage and I was genuinely,

I was like, this is...

It's white.

It's white.

Okay, so the white.

That's right.

Yeah, Alaska's not close.

I was totally wrong.

I just assumed there would be less

Americans.

Yeah.

It's Maine, Vermont, West Virginia, New Hampshire, Wyoming, Iowa.

Yeah, there you go.

Iowa?

Oh, yeah.

Iowa's fucking really white.

Yeah.

That's why it shouldn't be the first state to vote.

Yeah,

it's 89.8% white.

Oh my god.

Why do we let them vote in the primaries?

Oh, they shouldn't.

Why do we let them decide our country's fate?

It's crazy.

Well, but let's be fair.

We don't do primaries anymore, so it's pretty irrelevant.

No, yeah, we're done with the election period.

So it's kind of like fun little relic of the past.

Yeah, so it's kinda well, let them fuck let them enjoy their cosplay.

Okay, this is uh oh, by the way, McMinnville is between Portland and the Chinook Casino on the coast.

So

it's right halfway in between.

Okay.

Schoolboys today found a written confession purported to have been made by the unknown suicide who Friday blew his head off with dynamite.

Oh my God.

I mean, that's a fucking suicide.

Oh, my God.

Dynamite?

I really didn't know.

That's not.

You're not going to miss.

You're not going to be like, wake up in the hospital.

You're not going to hold wake up in the hospital like, oh, fuck, that didn't work.

Dynamite.

That's going to work.

Yeah, you're gone.

It's fucking amazing if it didn't, though.

And that means you really wanted to end it.

Because it's not like a gun.

You don't press it and then it fires.

You lit it and then you held it and you had to sneak.

The guts to hold the lit dynamite to your head

it's a hard one it's a harder one because the the gun is like it it's like you it's instant yeah you pull the trigger it's you've got to hold like you're hearing like the

yeah

yeah right right

that's some what was that that's a man with conviction that was a wick

do they know why

do they know why okay um the note unfortunately exploded oh so Schoolboys found a confession in which he confesses to having murdered H.

Garrison, a wouldbe island rancher in 1894.

Oh, so he killed someone eight years ago.

And then, so he took his own life because with dynamite?

Yeah.

With dynamite.

He was so over the top.

It is fucking Wily Coyote.

True.

Sorry, his anvil didn't get there on time.

Yeah, he tried to jump up again, but it didn't look down, so he couldn't couldn't do it fuck that is nuts that is nuts and then schoolboys find the confession of the self-dynamiter

at least they didn't find the body of the self-dynamiter that would be worse how could you he was all pieced out whatever happened to like sepiku or like something that's much quieter yeah yeah yeah

that would no i mean that's it's i mean it's very america

it's so over the top that it's very america a little patriotic yeah that's kind of like, it's kind of awesome.

It's kind of my new way to go, honestly.

Except I would go jogging.

I would go running.

You know what I'd do?

I'd light it and I would jump off a building.

Mid-drop pop.

Yeah, that's what I'd do.

Like a seagull that ate Elka Seltzer.

I'd like to see.

Yeah.

Oh, totally.

Totally.

Just

multiple flips i'm doing a 720 and i'm sticking to the landing

if you want to dive it like the second your feet hit the ground you oh my god

uh garrison's body was found in a well in a mutilated condition nearly two years after the crime was committed oh so he killed himself in 1896 and they found the body.

They just found the confession.

Oh, and then they were like, oh, let's go check this well.

No, they had already found the body.

Oh, okay.

And they just found the letter.

Did he kill himself in 1902 or did he kill himself?

He killed.

Yeah.

He killed.

He murdered the guy in 1894.

He killed himself two years later.

And then they found the letter six years later.

Oh, I thought it was saying that he killed himself in 1902.

They found the body in 1986, 1996.

86?

1996.

There's not much left, Sarge.

Let us find a bone in a well.

Well,

this must be the guy who dynamited the baby.

Pretty sure this is the dynamite body.

Oh, the plot thickens.

Walter Irving, the murdered man's former farmhand, was arrested and convicted of the crime and sentenced to 20 years.

Oh, fuck.

First of all.

A crime you didn't commit.

And also, gotta love that 20-year murder sentence.

Those are the fucking days.

Those are the fucking days, man.

Murder 20 years.

I mean, really.

I mean,

I remember when I used to work construction, I one day, my, this fucking jacked dude and I were breaking, like basically demolishing a veranda.

And we were standing there.

And he said to me, he goes, he goes, I really never asked any follow-up questions.

It was one of those things where I worked with him for like two days, and we were getting along fine.

And uh, he goes,

He somehow jail came up, and he goes, Oh man, I went to jail once, and I go, For what?

And he goes, Murder.

And I was like, All right,

I was like, Ookie dokie.

I wasn't like, How did you get out?

I was like, If you want to tell me stuff, go for it.

Otherwise, I'm good to not talk any further about what happened back there.

Yep, okey-dokie, sir.

I was like,

Wow.

Wow.

Murder.

Okay.

All righty.

I'll start carrying some of the debris out, mister.

Anyway, we got scaffolding to do, sir.

Well, I think we should probably

get some.

Oh my god.

Because you know the victim?

Actually, I don't want to know.

It doesn't matter.

Don't tell me.

It's all good.

It's a guy I work with.

Same.

My first one was a murder.

The annual report of the superintendent of the dead letter office shows that people have not become less careless in using the mail as a means of forwarding valuables and letters.

Now, see, I'm going to put an article.

If I'm the editor, I'm putting an article in between the guy who took his own life with dynamite and a letter being found and this article about about dead letters.

Because I'm worried that there's a little too much of a tie-in that people are like, wait, he mailed a dead letter?

I think the editor thought he was being so cute.

Yeah, maybe.

Yeah.

He was like, those two titles of dead people letters.

Aha.

It's called a segue, gentlemen.

People are stealing necklaces.

Yeah.

During the last year, the dead letter office received nearly 6 million unclaimed letters.

Of these, 87,852 were dropped into the post office.

Was that without any address at all?

Okay, if you're the post office,

Bob.

Can you get this to buy?

You'll find him.

How many Josh Smiths could there be?

Tall guy, weird hand.

Find him.

He lives out west.

You'll know him.

Yeah, yeah.

Everyone knows him.

Not knowing how addresses work back then.

Being like blown away by the mail, being like, I can't believe they're going to get it to Tony that easily.

But here's what you do.

If you're the post office in this time and you've got all the, what you do is like you hold a competition and you Charlie in the chocolate factory it where 40 people get to come down and open a hundred letters each and that's it.

You just go, yeah, it's just, it's a fun giveaway.

That's a good idea.

Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's right.

Um,

the number of letters reached you.

I think this is as, I think this is the best anything I've ever said has gone on a podcast.

I think you're right.

I don't think any, I don't think two people have ever been that receptive to something that I've said.

No, I like the idea of opening other people's mail, Gareth.

That really, that's my, that's my speed.

Thank you.

My mom is a postal worker, and she's like, we really can't do that.

I'm like, let let me, come on.

Oh, let me.

Give it a shot.

Who's going to know?

Honestly, who's going to know?

I'll lick it shut.

They won't even know.

The relick.

Your mom's like, look, Dory, the relick never works.

Trust me.

I've tried.

They can tell.

It's got that old envelope dust on it.

Oh, come on.

They won't know.

But you know, like the envelope technology, like when you accidentally seal something and they're like, I got to put one more thing in there and then you open it and you're like,

you only get one crack.

It's so impossible.

You only get one crack.

I remember, I feel like it was

iPods or something, but a long time ago when they first started, like, you could order them online, it was like 30%

weren't reaching their destination.

Oh, wow, really?

It's like this crazy amount.

I mean, yeah.

I guess if you're going to open one, you know, go for it.

Yeah.

The number of letters reaching the dead letter office, which contained money, was $47,000.

And the amount of money enclosed aggregated $42,854.

What was that?

That's a lot of money.

Yeah, what was that?

That's a lot of fucking money.

That's good money.

Yeah, that's like back.

That's like, that's got to be 10 times that, I would imagine.

$20,000 in today's.

It's like $43,000.

You know what's going to be funny is like as things get worse, eventually we we won't need to do those conversions anymore.

We'll be like, about the same.

It's going to be 50 grand in today's money.

It's about $1,600,000.

That's why you do the giveaway.

Yeah.

Get them down there with the golden ticket.

While 175,000 letters received at the dead letter office contain postage stamps, 39,000,000 contained drafts, notes, and other valuable papers with a face value of 1,178,000.

Hmm.

That is

crazy.

The grand total of letters, parcels, et cetera, opened at the dead letter office because of no other means of determining for whom they were destined or by whom they were sent was 7,663,751.

That's a lot, man.

So, what do they do with them?

Well, what do you mean?

The letters?

They're just opening them because they're going to try to figure figure out who it's actually supposed to go to.

That job is horrible.

Well, no, I'm stuffing.

I own a house.

What are you talking about?

Like, I'm just putting money in my pocket all the time.

Oh, 100%.

Yeah.

But also, if you're like,

if you're actually tasked with trying to locate where these things are supposed to go, you're like, this is so stupid.

Hi, Barbara.

I just wanted to check in and see how your new bowls are doing.

Oklahoma just became a state and now i have to take something there

that's bullshit honestly i do think it'll be fun to get a time machine and just go back in time and just have so much money oh yeah

yeah what's in my bank account right now is like okay uh

back then

it's different oh yeah back then you're like

you're fucking royalty you're carnigy of town yeah i mean you literally would like that would be We just did a dollop episode the other night on a guy who bait.

Like, you basically were just like, I own a city now.

Like, if you just struck at the right time.

I was literally reading about Andrew Carnegie yesterday on, like, the train.

And, like.

They kind of just did that with him in Pittsburgh.

Like, you just bought so much philanthropy there.

They were just like, yeah, I guess you're the guy now.

No, it's also, it's so funny the way.

Well, first of all, like, even thinking of it as philanthropic is funny, but in today's terms, they were incredibly giving.

But even back then, it was like it was pittance.

I mean, they were just making money hand over fist, and then they'd just be like, I got everyone a party sub.

And people would be like, he's a hero.

It's interesting because, like, you read what Carnegie did, and you're like, wow, because Carnegie was more about it than like even like Bill Gates is now.

Oh, yeah.

But then you read what everyone else was doing and you're like, oh, oh, I can see why they thought Carnegie was a hero.

The rest of you were like monsters.

Yeah, well, they were like competitively.

I mean, I think they used to just be like more aware that people were going to try to kill them.

Right, Dave?

Like, was that part of it?

Carnegie famously left the country because he knew there was about to be like a strike, and he was like, Well, somebody else is going to have to take the fall for this because I'm in Scotland.

That's right.

Yeah, that was.

We did

an episode on the

South Fork.

I can't remember.

I can't even fucking remember the name of it, Fishing and Hunting Club.

Oh, the biggest thing.

And it was like,

and it was like that.

He was like, he was just fucking in Scotland when it was like the greatest flood of all time had taken place.

And he just was like, I'll just be in France and Scotland for a little while.

For like, there's like several different occasions where, like, if you look in the controversy section of his like Wikipedia, he's like mysteriously in Scotland when like something horrific happens.

And I'm like,

mysteriously.

Yeah.

We know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We know.

But then he built that town a library, so it's fine that they'd build a library and be like, what an awesome guy.

No, that's what people get on like Jeff Bezos.

They're like, look, I'm not saying he's the best guy in the world, but he gave $500,000 to like, you dumb motherfucker.

You're fucking idiot.

You're the fucking idiot.

What amount of money could Jeff Bezos give you where you'd be a fan?

Give me?

Well, now this is just fucked up.

Now I'm like, now you just

see what piece of shit I am.

Gareth, you might be listening to this.

This could change your life.

Oh, if he is.

I don't know.

Five.

I mean,

yeah, I was going to say five.

If you gave me five million, I'd be like, I'll stop talking about you.

That's the problem.

The problem is if you finally, like, every time we send someone to be our voice inside of the club, they get inside the club and they're like, club is pretty cool.

And you're like, No, no, no, no.

Remet the whole deal, the whole deal.

Yeah,

yeah.

No, we gotta have the club inside the club, but also they should let me in the club like one time before they shut down the club.

Yeah, that's just let me see what it's like.

I don't know if the clubs ever get shut down.

I'm sorry.

I'm depressing.

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Hey,

the dollop is brought to you by mood.

Not just like moods.

Yep.

They don't, moods don't have sponsors.

No.

We're talking about mood.

Correct.

Online cannabis company revolutionizing how we deal with life's challenges.

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You got stress-filled days, you're a little bit freaking out on edge.

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Take it, enjoy it.

Mood, mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns with 100% federally legal THC blends.

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English consoles saves the life of an American sailor.

In recalling incidents of international courtesy when British and Americans have supported each other, a writer in the Boston Transcript tells the following story, which came from an American sailor who had landed a port in Chile.

The men had gone ashore and become somewhat hilarious as one of the police officers.

What does that mean?

I just love, I love what terms have changed.

They were somewhat hilarious.

They were doing impressions that were quite spot off.

No, they went there and they were hysterical, is what it means.

And one of the police officers, instead of

waiting,

they were doing improv over there.

The men pulled a sword doing the mural.

Yes, and that's why this dump has finally accepted an intern.

A droll premise if I've ever heard one.

Instead of warning him not to make a noise in the street, drew his sword and knocked him down.

Okay, so that's how you do it.

So a guy went crazy, and one of the cops pulled his sword and knocked him down.

And the American got up

and promptly knocked the policeman down in return.

Man.

Solidarity with my nigga down in Chile.

Yeah, that's right.

Stand your ground, son.

I love it.

I'm bout it.

We doing our thing.

Yeah.

We're doing our thing down there.

And then as expected,

as expected, he was arrested, tried, and condemned to be shot the next morning.

Who?

The guy who got knocked?

Oh, fuck me.

The guy who knocked the cop down.

They're like, no, you're dying.

Fuck me.

It just never fucking ends.

I didn't know ACAB was also.

I mean, ACAB spans space and time.

ACAB was Chile in 1902.

I mean, ACAB is literally everywhere forever.

I don't even know Chile was a country yet, but the police were already digging.

No, and even before, like, cops, it was like, ACAB still holds.

It's just a different version.

You're out on like the Mesopotamia and like you just look out and see like some cop-looking dude.

And you're like, oh, yeah, I can tell.

Here we go.

He's got a mustache.

Yeah, there we are.

Mr.

Lauren, the American consul,

expostulated with the authorities, saying,

not a word, saying that it would be monstrous to put a man to death for such an offense, but they paid no attention to him.

And on the day specified...

all he did was kill a cop.

He didn't kill a cop.

Well, I mean, he

punched the cop.

That might as well be killing him.

He punched a cop.

Yeah, you knocked a cop over.

Yeah.

That's murder.

Yeah.

They're dumb on you.

I've known they aren't for sure.

I keep seeing them getting deceptive.

I keep seeing him getting taken down by fentanyl.

The only thing to knock a cop down.

They're in a kilometer radius of fentanyl, and all of a sudden they just

die immediately.

It's like kryptonite in Superman.

Oh, man, it's so funny.

Oh, no, I grow weak.

There must be fentanyl.

Their powers of racism and brutality grow weaker.

I

can't kill the innocent right now.

Pulling up fentanyl to a cop.

Can't get a hold of fentanyl?

We're from the planet Fenton.

On the day specified, the sale was brought out and pinioned for readiness for execution.

So many words.

Okay.

Pinioned.

Okay.

Now, the English consul, preparing to hoist the Union Jack, saw a crowd in the field opposite and realized that the execution was about to take place.

And he rushed over to the American consul and cried, Loring, you're not going to let them shoot that man.

What can I do?

was the answer.

I protested against it.

I can do no more.

Give me your flag, cried the Englishman.

And with the two flags in hand, he ran to the field, elbowed his way through the crowd.

All right.

It's like it's flag fanfic, too.

It's like, this is how it is.

This is what like America, like Dallas guys with Trump trucks think the flag flag means like, respect this flag, sir.

Like, this feels like it should be accompanied with the most homoerotic AI rendition you've ever thought of.

It's called the Union Jack Off.

Two big muscular men holding each other.

We're like, bulges, you know, like, this isn't gay, it's masculine.

It's just flag stuff.

With two flags in his hand, he ran to the field, elbowed his way through the crowd and

soldiery and reached the prisoner.

This is like

a Killer Jenner Pepsi commercial.

Literally,

it's a one-to-one recreation.

He ran through the crowd and he handed them a Coca-Cola with real cocaine in it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He folded the American flag about him and laid the Union jack over it, and he stepped back and faced the officers and soldiery.

Ah, yeah.

So, what the fuck do you think that means?

What are you doing?

Shoot if you dare, he shouted

through the heart of England and America.

And the man was not shot.

What the fuck?

The fuck

is absolute fucking bullshit.

I've heard that question

a million times.

Yeah, there's no way.

No way.

And that man's name?

Donald Trump.

Donald J.

Trump.

I'm Donald Trump, and this for sure happened.

I'm Donald Trump, and I carried the Union Jack across the field.

Whatever their little gay British flag is, and the stars and bars.

Go over it, Ed.

You know how Trump is on the White House roof?

It's like the funniest shit I've ever seen.

What do you make of that?

You know that two years ago, the onion did that exact story.

Trump is up on the roof of the White House to distract from whatever.

They did that exact story.

It's Epstein drop cover-up shit.

He just walked out on the roof.

A guy can't even hang out on his roof no more.

How great would it have been if he started barbecuing?

A guy can't even grill no more.

He went up there to grill, and y'all was messing with him too much.

How do you guys like your burgers?

What's a hot dog?

It's a nice medium rare, the rarest.

Just grilling.

Donald Trump is on the roof of the White House having a cookout.

What have been the most relatable thing he's done in years?

Truly.

That's why he couldn't do it.

He would like, you're too young to remember this, but when George Bush was president, he goes to the grocery store for a photo op to act regular.

And the cashier is like scanning him out, and he's like, and what is that?

And they were like, what's what?

And he's like, I said like a laser thing.

And everyone's like, Mr.

President, shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up.

Why is it like a reoccurring thing that Republican presidents do not understand groceries?

Yeah, I don't know.

They just are unable to like.

It's just so fucking shocking.

Rich people never go shopping, never go shopping for themselves, which is never

maybe their whole life.

Like the Bushes were riches forever.

So he probably never never went to a grocery store.

Well, when you read about like King Charles now, the

absolute out of fucking touchness that it is, it is un the guy has never tied his own shoes.

He doesn't brush his own teeth.

I mean, this is crazy shit.

Wait, what?

He doesn't brush his own teeth.

Like, he doesn't.

He gets at minimum, someone hands him the toothbrush with toothpaste on it.

Wow.

Wow.

Like, even if I was rich as shit, I would, you know what I mean?

I'd be like, I'll

brush my teeth.

It's not that.

I mean, but imagine if you've been raised that rich.

I know, but even then, I think I would still have this.

I mean,

I think I would still have a compulsion to be like, what are regulars doing?

I want to try that version a little bit more.

So you want that guy to be unemployed?

I wish I'd have that, but I think if I'd grown up rich enough, I would.

I don't even think.

I think I wouldn't even take a step.

I think I'd be carried everywhere.

Yeah.

I would bring back chariots.

Well, that was an unexpected turn.

I got to be honest.

The way he said it, though, did sell me on it a little bit.

Imagine, like, you go outside, and like, before you even have to step on the ground, there's just like two horses and a horseman waiting for you.

I don't look.

I don't.

I'm not.

That I get.

I get that.

It's the brushing the cheek.

I would brush my own gut.

You know what I mean?

Like, the idea that you'd have to even explain to someone logistically to hit like certain zones, it's fucking nuts.

Or what the fuck?

Get a sonic hair.

Like, he probably has a weird, like, horse-bristle brush.

It probably hurts to brush your teeth back then.

You needed a guy for it.

I hate that I'm defending the king, but like, they didn't have to be.

Listen to you.

Such a fucking homer.

Do I think he wipes his own ass?

Is a great question.

And

even then.

Doesn't Charles wipe his ass?

I don't know.

Like, most kids, you know, learn to wipe their ass at a certain age, but I bet he was like way older when he learned to wipe his own ass, like 10.

Well,

it sounds like historically, through AI, the king was, the ass was

wiped.

So it's probably still the same.

They probably have an ass wiper.

There was an assistant for the monarch, including

the toilet.

do you think you treated him well

do you think what

that's the guy that's

well

imagine

imagine you got to call that guy up and be like hey man i i had a big day at the wing dome and uh

i ate a lot of wings i'm gonna need you i'm gonna need you extra early tomorrow and probably be a long day

well

overtime son there was there's this other thing where like

he

a groom i can't can't even

like when he goes out on a fox hunt his hard-boiled eggs are supposed to be cooked a very specific way for when he comes back so someone is cooking hard boiled eggs around like a two-hour time span just

throwing them so that that so when he comes back it's perfectly hot and cooked perfectly for him and so they're just tossing eggs just to like

make sure when he comes back he has like four perfect or whatever it's fucking nuts i mean just come on, just begging for overthrownedness.

I hope the octopus culture that comes after us learns from this.

God, it's just gonna be all.

You really do get to the point where you're like, I'm look,

I'm, I don't want to die, but if I just get to watch them crumble too, let's go.

I'm okay with that.

You know what I mean?

Like, if I just get to watch, like, if I was burning in a fire with Elon Musk, I'd be like,

Yeah, like I could have burned the fire alone.

It's like, it's like homework,

yeah.

Whatever it is, I'd be like, You're dying.

He'd be like, You're dying too.

I'd be like, Yeah, but you're dying.

You idiot.

By the way,

it's like he's on the podcast.

By the way, the Octopi are building cities.

They're building, currently building three cities that they found.

Let's go.

With things,

octopi.

Dorian's like they have the octopus of the world are starting to build cities.

Let's go.

Where are you?

Still wild and woolly.

They have a post office where they just have a bunch of like envelopes.

This isn't even a town yet.

Still wild and woolly.

Oregon Man makes another dance, a jig to the tune of a sharpshooter.

This is the story of a starky Prairie resident compelled to dance a clog in the darkness at the point of the gleaming barrel of a neighbor's revolver

while simulated constantly to greater effort by the whistle of bullets past his ears and about his feet.

Okay.

Keep going.

There's been ill feeling for several weeks on Starkey Prairie over a series of dog killings.

Oh, fuck me.

Oh.

See, I should have gotten the comedy in.

The headline sounded like it was going to be fun.

It's goofy nuts.

Everything that's come out has gotten sad.

Yeah, now it's dog killings.

It's dog killing, the shooting at your neighbor.

I can get with the shooting at your neighbor.

This dog killings is never going to be fertile.

Well, maybe

you can't dance at gunpoint over a dog killing just feels so dark.

No, but you remember dog killing, and I enjoy it.

I think you, if my neighbor killed my dog, I would make them dance a jig for

them.

I would kill them.

They'd be dancing a jig and then dead.

I mean, I don't know what I'd do.

I'd make him eat dog food while I was like being crazy.

I'd be all boozed up and I'd be like, eat his food, you piece of shit.

I'm going to walk you.

I'm going to walk you around the block.

I'd be like, I love this goddamn mine.

Poop, and I'm going to pretend to pick it up with this bag.

What?

Poop, and I'm going to pretend I'm picking it up, you piece of shit.

He's like,

why don't you actually just pick it up?

I never did that with sparks.

Which is probably why he did that.

Sparks?

Actually,

that's why I did that.

Oh, well, yeah, I guess that was pretty fucked up.

Sorry.

I should be more courteous as a neighbor.

I'm still going to have to kill you, but going forward, I understand.

Neighbors suspected each other of the poisonings, and a lot of bad blood was engendered.

They didn't even know.

No, they don't know who's doing it.

No, you can't make somebody dance a gunpoint on a hunch.

Yeah, you can.

That's the best way to do it.

Do the hokey pokey.

60%.

Do the hokey pokey.

Do the hokey pokey.

All right.

There you go.

Let me see some river dance.

Lose the shirt.

Lose the shirt.

Little meanness began to be practiced, the latest of which

was to tie a bulldog of pronounced vicious tendencies

on a Starky Prairie Bridge after dark.

This was designed to scare a team.

of horses.

Okay, so they are using the dogs to fuck with other people.

So that might be why the dogs are getting killed.

So it was a settler named R.

Wilkinson who fell into the trap.

Wilkinson drove directly on the bridge when the Bulldog began to operate with the result that he nearly had serious trouble with his colts.

And Wilkinson settled in his mind the author of the trick immediately and drove straight to the house of Henry Bean.

Bean, he thought, was the transgressor.

Who else could it be?

It's fucking Bean.

If it's a fucking bulldog on a bridge, it's got to be Bean.

Come on, put it together.

What are you talking about?

Put it together.

Who else would do that?

I don't know.

No, Dave's cooking.

It's got to be Ban.

He's not cooking.

There's no cooking.

It's Trump on the White House roof.

There's no cooking.

It's being.

We're telling you, it's being.

We're pretty sure Bean is the main guy on Epstein Island.

Who would scare the horses?

It's being.

It's obviously Bean.

It's got Bean written all over it.

Calling Bean to the door, Wilkinson had him covered before he could escape, and a clog dance was ordered.

Clog dance.

I don't have clogs.

My friend will be over with some soon.

Just waiting for your guy to bring over.

I don't know where he is.

He's supposed to be here a little while ago.

The eloquence of the six-shooter induced compliance, and the suspected bulldog operator began awkwardly to shuffle.

That's

funny.

Suspected Bulldog operator.

That's such a, I wish that was my JD, dude.

That's like a Tinder job.

Bulldog operator.

Suspected Bulldog operator.

Faster, Arter Wilkinson.

And

by the way,

if you ever in this, but you got to do a faster.

You have no choice.

You got to do it.

Faster.

It's like dance, dance, revolution.

Faster.

Does nobody's ever danced a gunpoint fast enough?

No.

No, I'm doing the slowest shuffle ever.

you

slow dance

as a bullet thing, startly

you can dance so slow and sad that they would stop making you do it.

Absolutely.

It would be fun to try

the slowest, saddest twerking.

Yeah, you're trying to be real sexy.

Like, sexy might be the better move to try to be like,

stop.

Actually, I'm good.

You like that?

You like that?

I do not think we're going to take it.

You are good.

Thank you.

Audience,

you have to watch this section.

You guys are making me wild.

Go get on the Patreon.

I'm a watch.

You guys are making me a wild.

Ooh, my cabooses are loose.

Now I'm going to kill you.

Now I'm just going to shoot you in the head.

Ah, I said, oh, it feels so good.

As a bullet sang starting near the feet, commonly more familiar.

Fucking wet.

Oh, I am my fear.

Oh, wow.

You guys are really making me feel this.

Commonly more familiar with the road behind the plow than the dance hall four, they responded crudely.

Finally, Wilkinson led his victim off with the admonition to keep his bulldog at home then

wait he didn't let him then he compelled him at the pistol's point to come clear to wilkinson's home so he's making him

now he's gotta go he brought him all the way to his own house yeah he's yeah

the method of transportation

now we're going over here

the method of transportation was not stated but it is said Bean had to continue dancing at intervals clear across the prairie.

All right, we're going to take a quick dance break.

You're going to water the horses.

Don't stop dancing.

Dance a lot.

And more leg.

The legs are just kind of doing all the arms.

Your hips aren't going enough.

Come on.

Shut up.

Why don't you see you move them hips, Beanie?

There you go, Bean.

At Wilkinson's place, he was forced to sign a note making over $75 to Wilkinson.

And Dean was released.

So he made him dance across the prairie and give him $75 over making a dog bark at his horses.

Not even so.

I think he just

signed a note.

I think he just signed like an IOU.

I mean, the whole thing sounds a little tossed together.

That's all money happened to me, I think.

All money was like an IOU.

yeah right yeah

you could have given bean says would have been like that's a that's a that's a cold benjamin right there

that's the best iou times are awesome all right i think you'll find this should take care of the debt

bean says he will not stand for this treatment shot it rocks

Bean says he will not stand for this treatment.

He is not such a pistol artist as his neighbor, says spokane falls uh spokesman review so he has employed a lawyer to help him out and legal action will result so he's gonna sue him okay that's a total drape move by the way

neighbor just whoops you ass makes you dance across the prairie give them 75 like um i'm gonna get my lawyer shut up

i know seriously i was on bane's side until I thought he was a bitch.

Yeah, that is a fucking bitch, though.

Make your lawyer out of this.

And imagine the lawyer like, so wait,

what do you need?

Yeah, so I'm trying to sue him because he was out of line back there.

That was crazy.

I feel like you'll hear it.

You'll be hearing from Jenkins and Jenkins.

You'll be hearing at the end of it.

You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

Wait, what?

What are you talking about?

You made me suck the barrel of a gun.

And you won't hear the end of this discovery is like you know in retrospect the lawsuit was where the whole thing fell apart for me i should have just walked away

discovery really screwed me in this case

when they found out how i started dancing on him without being asked they immediately lost all sympathy like hey

yeah yeah twerk twerk

I sorry,

you were twerking in the prairie?

Can you explain that a little more out of the middle of the the city?

Well, you twerked a gun and it was in his pocket, and I had to get very close to him.

Give it a twerk, sir.

Well, I'll be honest.

At some point, I decided to try to turn this thing pretty erotic, just to sort of see what I could get out of it.

So I was doing a bunch of stuff.

Twerk,

crotch touching.

One point I dropped my spectacles and I turned around and bent over to pick them up and was presenting Gooch, aka taint, or as we call it nowadays, the skin pasture.

Show the court

just puking.

She just puts dynamite to her head.

He's like, I told him that in 1984.

I'm light.

Beggars pursue Carnegie.

While in Pittsburgh.

Yeah.

While in Pittsburgh the other day, Andrew Carnegie was forced to leave the house in which he was staying by a rear door and drive off in a carriage to escape a crowd of people begging money for charitable projects, many of them for libraries.

Mr.

Carnegie receives over 300 begging letters a day.

No, it's just asking for charity.

Begging letters.

These little paupers.

Can you please pull us a library?

He's like,

oh, wow.

We were just talking.

That's crazy.

But that is, it's also such an innocent plea.

Just give us knowledge.

And he's like, that's a problem.

We want a library for our children.

And he's sneaking out the back door.

He's like, yeah, he's like, I'm the Beatles.

I got to get out of here.

I got to build another dam that's going to destroy another town.

It really is just so fucking.

Honestly, I would be filled with hope if I didn't know as much as I do now because of these podcasts about history.

because I would be like, this can't happen.

It's like, nah, it does happen.

And even if you get it away from them for a minute, the culture of evil greed is just waiting around the corner, just like, ah, time for a comeback.

Every billionaire is deeply evil, except for the billionaire who I work for, who is a great guy.

I think he is genuinely fantastic.

Who's this?

Doing really good stuff for the world.

I'm not going to say that.

I just think he's awesome.

What a smart answer.

The philanthropy he's doing is really impactful and super important.

I'm glad to support it every day.

Every other billionaire should die.

Just a fine line.

My guy is incredible.

Okay.

That is so interesting.

I'm a company bad man.

Well, by the way,

we've said this before.

Like sometimes at shows or whatever, I'll talk to people and they'll be like, I work for fucking like whatever, Amazon or something.

There'd be shame and I'll be like,

this is not you you've not decided that you want to align yourself with these people directly like they're eventually there will be four people to work for and they'll all be evil pieces of shit there's really yeah you know this is not on this is not a personal choice thing any longer there hasn't been an ethical way to make money in like the last like 50 years Yeah, there is,

like, sometimes too, it's like I'll go to like a city where they'll, like, people will be like, they make military shit.

You're just like, Yeah, no, look, it's like we're all just trying to keep you know, having HBO Max.

Like, we're just all fighting the same battle.

Like, what do you want me to do?

Not work at the blood factory?

It's the only place it's hiring.

I know, yeah.

Someone's got to take the skin off these kids' skulls for charity.

Do you think these blood bass pour themselves?

Yeah.

Look,

we got to get marrow out of these boys.

This is organic, bone to table.

Disqualifying man for kinghood.

Adioni Bezek.

I don't know.

Whoa, I'm going to need you to say that one one more time, mister.

Adoni, Adoni Bezak.

Adoni Bezak.

Addoni Bezak.

It's so musical the way you said it before.

Adioli.

Adoni Bezak.

Adioni Bezak.

Adioni Bezak.

Mentioned in the book of Judges.

I love when people get mad at me because I don't know how to pronounce religious shit.

And I'm like, buddy,

you should feel bad for knowing how to pronounce religious shit.

Mentioned in the book of Judges was captured by the Jews who cut off his thumbs and great toes.

This was done to prevent his making an attempt to regain his throne, as in the East, a maimed man could not be king.

Wow.

That is not shocking, and yet so fucking horrible.

I mean, that keeps him off the that keeps him off the yeah.

That would be so great if that's how, like, if like

so that was the same for president.

I mean, you literally, like, Trump got his ears shot off, and he'd be like, sorry, buddy.

Campaign's over.

I mean, not that because that's fake, but don't, yeah, obviously that was AI.

I don't think that.

Why would you cut off his thumb?

That's just cruelty.

Yeah, that is the worst one.

Yeah.

This is equivalent to...

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, you could take off a pinky.

Oh, pinky could go.

Pinky.

I would let you do that for free.

Yeah, pinky could go.

Pinky ring finger middle,

one thumb.

That's fair to me.

If you say you let someone take off your pinky for free, how much are you letting people take off the thumb for?

And also, where is this market?

that this is a thing.

Dorian, I'd love to have your pinky.

So if you're willing to stick with that, I'll cut it off ASAP.

But you know, Price, we've had this exact conversation

to prevent telegraphists'

paralysis.

Okay, so.

Is that a dinosaur?

Let me look this up.

So

the disease telegraphic paralysis.

Telegraph clerks will hear with alarm a telegraphic analysis of a new malady reported by a French physician.

An employee who has been engaged in the telegraph office for nine years found that he could not form clearly the letters U

represented by two dots and a stroke, I by two dots and S by three dots.

On trying to trace the letters, his hand became stiff and cramped.

He then endeavored to use his thumb alone.

So he's, it's, it sounds like,

what do you call it when your hands are all fucked up from repetitive motion?

Arthuritis.

No.

And carpal tunnel?

Carpal tunnel.

It sounds like a version of carpal tunnel tunnel because he's doing the same motion over and over.

Hey, if that gave you carpal tunnel, believe me, I'd have it.

What does that mean?

I'm just saying, if

hand locking because of a repetitive motion is

a side effect

that occurs,

I think you'd find I'd have a lobster claw, gentlemen.

Why is that?

What do you mean by that?

No, no, well, not writing,

but

certainly,

let's just say

dipping the pen or the quill into the ink quite a bit.

Oh, so you're writing the middle.

Like you're a painter?

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

If a locked hand

was something that occurred because you had

the appearance of

some pipe in the hand and a repetitive motion, put it that way.

I'm poking holes in this theory because if this were true, believe me, you'd only see me with

a hand gesture that was locked with a little bit of a hole in it.

The size,

not tiny, but not super big of a bigger.

So, like

a plumber.

No,

I I jack off.

What the disgusting?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

No.

No, no, no.

For charity.

What do you mean for charity?

No, no, no.

No,

check out for charity?

No.

Watching the show.

That I don't believe.

No, no, no, no, no.

You're a charity masturbator?

I give, come

as much as I can every year i save what i need and i give the rest away

people are calling him uh andrew come again

well done

okay

so back to our newspaper which we really sidetracked from i agree i don't know what happened there felt like you guys kind of got a little bit to prevent telegraphs paralysis

Telegraphist paralysis is to be prevented by a new telegraph key.

I got that from Master.

Oh, a fucking course.

Here's a really bad thing that can happen because now you have to type.

Oh, we have the test a thing for you.

The new keypad.

The new key.

It's ergonomic.

Shut up.

Shut up.

The key has a handle large enough to be grasped by the entire hand and can be turned.

Hysterical, just a jammer.

And can be turned at any angle or set in any position the operator may prefer for ease.

Keep working.

Keep working.

Don't stop working.

You know how your hand was falling off?

Ooh, now we have something that you can use your whole arm.

Now, yeah, I mean, that's really what they're doing.

They're like, now your arm will start to take the brunt of it while that horrible hand heals.

And this one's even kid-friendly.

Yeah.

All right, one last one.

This is

news from the town of Wilhelmina.

And it says, Wilhelmina will soon have a creamery and cheese factory.

Next, we need a drugstore, a doctor, and a lawyer.

And then we will have a full-fledged town.

They don't even have a

this is not news from the town of Wilhelmina.

This is Wilhelmina being

so, so

ambitious.

They're so close.

All we need is everything for infrastructure.

If people move here, then we can have a town.

That is such a

they're town fishing.

It's like I'll make a tourist look like a department for like my apartment.

All I need is biceps, chest muscles, abs, better lower body, core strength, and another four inches, and I could be a bodybuilder.

Now, you guys have to understand, I'm four wheels in an entire car away from having a car.

If I had Gill's tail and was a fish, I could be a fish.

Guys, I'm on the fourth floor.

I'm almost an astronaut.

Well, Dorian, always a pleasure.

Verbose de Bose, people can go find you there and they can go watch Evil Shark Tank stay.

And yeah, great dancing.

Honestly, the kind of dancing that if I saw, probably wouldn't shoot you, if I'm being honest.

And that's a high compliment.

I'm so glad they're high praise.

Like, all the time, I get worried that somebody's going to hold me at gunpoint and I'm not going to be able to twist it.

Not with those moves.

No, it's very smooth.

It's smooth stuff.

Well, thank you for joining us, Dorian.

Always a pleasure.

And we look forward to appearance number

four.

The episode we'll be calling Fourian.

Thank you.

Enjoy three in.

Yep.

Some of these days,

you'll miss me, honey.

Some of these days.