142 - The Past Times with Sarah Tiana

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All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes Podcast.

Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week.

Sarah Tiana, returning champion.

3-2-1, back to one, Sarah.

Whenever you're ready to go,

hi.

Hi.

Good to see you guys.

Good to see you.

Welcome back.

This is the first time we've talked all day.

Yep.

There's been no warm-up.

Sarah, you have a dog named Tatum.

You have a podcast called Sports Bitches.

Puppy.

Wow.

Puppy.

You have a podcast called Sports Bitches.

Am I allowed to say that?

The bitches name?

Yeah.

Did you guys have your full chest?

When you were thinking about naming the podcast, were you like, should we call it bitches or will it be an issue or did you just go with it?

Yeah, we did think of it would be an issue.

But issues are good.

Move to an

yeah, but then we were all like, this is who we are.

Yeah, there you go.

So

if people are sad about it or like the name is a problem, then they just use a little asterisk or whatever.

There you go.

But also like with what's going on,

that's like the least.

Well, what I like is you guys are sort of, you know, you're sort of, you're, you're bucking the conventional gender paradigm, which is why Dave and I started a show called Cooking Dicks.

Oh.

Yeah, so we would love to be on the same network.

Or we actually cook dicks.

Yeah, the whole thing is we eat penises from various species.

But this isn't about.

Which one is your favorite?

I like turtles.

I like human.

But this isn't about

that.

This is about how much you're crushing it and how much you're demurring.

But

thank you for coming back.

Congratulations on everything, even the dog, even though it's got a pretty bad name, to be honest with you.

I know.

It's tough.

Well, like, people say after Jason, and then I can just go, no, Channing.

Oh, you know, but wasn't the guy on The Simpsons, the boxer on The Simpsons, named Tatum something?

That's what I was hoping it was after.

Because even naming your dog after Channing Tatum is like, I don't know.

I know.

It's not the best.

Tatum O'Neill.

Tatum O'Neill.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I think that was The Simpsons character.

Is that what it was?

Maybe.

I don't know.

I don't have that kind of memory.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

Whatever.

So

I really want to find out if that was.

Okay, that's fair.

Well, then we'll start.

I hung out with Channing Tatum once, drank tequila with him in a parking lot.

He was awesome.

Drederick Tatum is his name.

In a parking lot?

Yeah, he was on a TV show I wrote on, and it was like all the women were so aflutter.

That's like, you know.

All the women were so aflutter when he was on set.

And then uh and then when i hung out with him i was like i am massively in love with that guy i was in love with him very quickly did you was there did you like stare at him in the eyes and were you like he was this was his hottest and i had trouble focusing the biggest i guess the biggest guy i got drunk with was uh uh matt uh damon that was fun who matt damon i got drunk with matt damon oh has he been in anything i don't know if i've heard of this guy uh he uh no after good he did this movie called Good Will Hunting, and then he just kind of disappeared.

Oh,

he's more of a writer.

That's right.

Oh, that was smart.

That's the smart.

That's the smart route to go.

Do you see how ripped he is now?

Is he?

Yeah.

He's all fucked up.

No, really?

Oh, yeah.

Right now, Matt Damon is ripped to shit.

Okay, so he lied to me when we were drinking because he said, I said, will you ever do another born?

And he was like, I can't work out like that anymore.

Well, now they're all, now everyone over 60 is just getting pincushioned.

They are.

They really have lots of stuff going in them now.

And it's like, I don't know, we'll see how it goes.

But he's definitely on something, but he's got abs.

So

Matt Damon would love my dog's name.

Sarah.

So would no, she's right.

So would John Krasinski.

You don't like, you don't like, your husband is the Boston guy.

He likes them, right?

Yeah, I don't, I'm not a Boston person, but yeah, that's like the caveat.

It's like, I got to pick the dog.

I got to get a dog.

And he got to name the dog.

That's really what a good marriage is, is you're basically co-parenting each other.

Yeah.

Like a chore list.

What will get you to say yes?

Yeah.

Well, how do I bribe you?

Yeah, exactly.

I'm begging.

So let's compromise.

Yes, in a healthy way.

Yes, yes.

It's like I've always called it sexual parents.

Okay, so let's,

Sarah, you know what we do here.

And even if you don't, I'm going to pretend you do, but we're gonna guess what year this paper's from.

Um, you will win because Dave has some sort of agenda against me.

He sits there stone-faced and pretends like he doesn't.

He does crazy.

So, why don't you guess last year

because Luke was here, that's not true, and you have an animus towards him more than me at the moment, which says a lot.

Uh, what uh, what year do you think this paper could be from, Sarah?

A reminder: it's a historical podcast.

I'm hoping

1925.

1925.

Hell of a guess.

1899.

You're so wrong.

What is it?

Sarah is so right.

It's 1921.

She's so close.

Yeah, and she won in earnest.

She's so wrong.

Why don't you complain a little bit?

Why don't you make up some of that?

Even if I said 1925, she would have won.

You know that.

Deep in your weird little head.

Yeah, you do.

And deep inside your heart that your father damaged.

It just seems like you know the truth.

A little misogyny coming through.

Don't you dare.

The Dillon Herald.

Herald Mr.

Sajiny.

Dillon, South Carolina, September 8th, 1921.

So just before 9-11.

Oh.

Monstrous tracks.

You said South Carolina?

Yeah.

Okay.

What do you think about that?

It's close.

It's close to your area.

Yeah.

Monstrous tracks cause much concern.

As they should.

Several weeks ago.

This has Tructosaurus written all over it.

Several weeks ago, The Enterprise published a story taken from the Dylan Herald to the effect that monster tracks resembling that of a human foot.

Well, that's not.

I gotta, I'm actually, there's a problem with the story right now.

Is this just the opening lyrics to Monster Mash?

It's not.

It's not a monster foot if it's a human foot.

Yeah.

I don't disagree.

But it's just like

a large human foot?

It's a big guy.

Batman ran.

This is a big guy.

This is a big guy.

Yeah, it's a big one.

We're not used to seeing big old boy.

This is before college football.

If college football existed in 1921, they'd be like, let's sign this guy.

Who is he?

Or they'd be tracking him like a tracker like Taysa's footprint and is like, he's a DL

defensive lineman, Dave.

La.

LB.

Not a QB.

Or a W-R.

Go ahead, sir.

Had been seen in Marlborough County, and also that a giant had called at a farmhouse for a drink of water.

What in the name of Tim Burton?

A giant

called for a water.

At a farmhouse, no less.

I'm here for a drink of water.

And then we reveal that

he's like 5'10.

Look at the size of him.

5'10, 180?

My God.

Oh, Lord in heaven.

Lord in heaven.

Let's sit in our church.

He'll drink a full glass if you're not careful.

This man's enormous.

And finding the pump out of commission, pulled it up and threw it away.

That's fair.

I mean, you could argue that that's just helpful.

Yeah, that I get, man.

If you want water and there's no water coming out of the thing that gives you water, you rip it up and throw it away.

Call the town giant.

That's just what happens.

He pulled the whole pump out of the ground?

Yeah, he's big.

He's big.

Does that happen?

Yeah, apparently, I'm.

He ripped the pump out of the pump.

I'm a bit dubious of all of this stuff.

How dare you?

This is in the newspaper.

You're right.

Now comes the report, as published in the Hartsville Messenger last week, that similar tracks have been seen in Darlington County.

The people in this section feel very much gratification in the fact that the wild man seems to be headed in another direction and will give mullens the go-by altogether wow so they're happy the mon the

i'm gonna say giant the giant is passing by do you feel like you're gonna get canceled for saying i just don't i just don't want to i think you're allowed to say that i don't want to label this big one of the few ones that you're allowed to use i don't want to label the big guys a monster because we don't know he could do we know it's a man it could be a like a big lady big old lady big lady she let me tell you now be careful dave now you got to be be careful.

A big old lady is going to have a much harder time than a big old lady.

It's a big fat woman giant.

You know what it is.

It's a vagiant.

So this fat bird.

It is very southern to be like, well, thank God he's not coming our way.

Oh, yeah.

We're just happy he left town.

Wow.

Yes.

Like, it's somebody else's problem now.

Our shoe traps work.

Shoe, boy.

Yes, but in every paper, like in every month paper that

comes after this, they'll say how they were affected.

You know, their town was affected the most.

Oh, yeah, sure.

It's really what never came through there.

Like, the story will get grander and they will become the victims the longer the story exists.

That's right.

It's like human wildfires.

We're just glad he's moved.

We have a monster adjacent.

Yeah.

I mean, isn't this the Roaring 20s, right?

Is this like after the Spanish flu?

Like, no, it's

right after

this this is great.

Yeah.

But the side effect.

Well, yeah, no, that's that.

I've always said the best thing about the Depression was it kind of got the Giants to leave town.

They all went to Canada.

They went to New York and became a bad football team.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

I just, I still can't even imagine like writing this as an article, I guess.

Leading the paper.

Very little is going on.

They just see a footprint.

Leading the paper.

But if it's like, even if it's

yeah but there was one witness that said they pulled the water out of the spout yeah

yeah

the people in this section feel very oh i already said that um regardless of what specie be it man gorilla or old nick what is old nick santa claus yeah for sure so these so they're saying this might be santa claus thank goodness santa claus moved to another town

rabbit saint nick He wants children's blood.

I need their marrow for my elves.

Jesus.

This is a much better.

Give me water.

This is a much better Santa Claus than the one we have.

We'll be willing.

We are willing for him to continue his journey and shall not feel slighted in the least.

The Hartsville Messenger of last week says, Monday morning, tracks measuring 19 inches were discovered near the sanitary laundry and in the road between the tracks of the Seaboard Airline Railway and the Prestwood Crossing.

So,

19 inches

a big dude.

I'm trying to think of what the foot is.

But I bet if you look up like a seven-foot player in the NBA, I bet they have 19-foot

in NBA?

Yeah,

backwards of size 23.

23.

So it does.

Yeah, so this could be Shaq.

Oh, wait.

Yeah.

Just a little old baby Shaq.

You know what I just realized?

I think your shoe size is based on inches.

You just realized that?

Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know.

Jareth, welcome.

So my foot is seven inches.

Well, it might be for men.

Or a man's.

Oh, yeah.

Women's.

No, women's.

So 719 inches is a size 19 shoe.

Well, it says

size 10 shoe and inches.

Shoe store, and it was Nevs.

That

You work in a shoe store?

Hmm.

Oh, no, now wait.

Now it's changing.

Now it's changing.

No, that was just for 10.

A size 15 is 12.18 inches.

So, Dave, you acted like I just learned something that wasn't real.

I still think it's true.

Oh, sure.

Because you.

You told us you learned something that was real.

You told us that I shoe sizes and inches.

And we both went, oh?

Jamie, can you?

Now you're taking it back.

By the way, Sarah, we hired a Jamie to look up all this stuff.

Oh, Jamie, are shoes real?

There's no Jamie.

Jamie, are feet real?

Can you look that up?

Yeah, every person has three feet, and then they shed one in the womb.

Thank you, Jamie.

Rumor has it that similar prints were seen beyond the crossing.

The impression left in the sand is like unto a barefoot man.

The heel is narrow, and the body of the foot is rather sparing in width compared with the length.

Okay, wait.

I'm not really sure.

The heel is narrow, and the body of the foot.

I can't focus on a description that well.

So it's saying that it's very thin, basically.

That's all.

It's just saying.

Honestly, the width is

the length, I can tell you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

When it comes to feet.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I mean, it sounds like he's a skinny, tall, skinny dude.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's right.

The toe print.

He's like Oscar Petorius.

The toe prints were also discernible, especially the big toe.

So it's a fucking guy.

Why would we call him a monster?

Quite a number of people assembled to view the impressions.

So now people are coming down to look at the footprints.

We're in the 20s.

There's so little to go.

There's nothing.

There's nothing.

Hey, Jimmy, you want to go look at the mic?

No TV.

Yeah, no TV.

tv so you just say well me and frank was gonna go look at a shoe print all day oh boy

they pack a picnic lunch yeah they call in sick for like a week of work you boys are allowed to go on your endeavor yeah you're about allowed to go have a fathoming

can we take a fathom break y'all sure may

Boy, that was a good vacation.

That was awesome.

Don't act like people in South Carolina were in school anyway.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

This is me talking as someone from Georgia who just is like hates all the neighboring states.

As you're supposed to.

I'm just speaking as a rival.

That's true.

As you're supposed to, as one's supposed to.

Quite a number of people assembled to view the impressions.

Mr.

J.E.

Kirvin.

pronounces the track as that of the devil who was on his way to the country club.

Yep.

I mean, it's indisputable.

Absolutely.

Yeah, well,

he's on the way to the country.

He's a country club, you know?

Yeah.

So this guy was

like going to go play tennis.

Well, no, this guy was not allowed to become a member at the country club.

Why?

Well, we don't know, but he's got a problem with the country club.

So he's like, well, the devil's going there.

Okay, I like the idea that the giant goes to the country club.

Well, clearly, the devil.

Is it...

You think it's literal?

Like, when I think of the devil at the country club, I'm like, well, what else is he going to do with all that money?

Yeah, right.

Yeah, but do you think this guy was just using the term devil as like rap scallion?

Like that devil just went on down to the country club.

Yeah, yeah.

I like to think he thinks the actual literal devil.

I like to think it's, I think you're right, but I like to think it's the literal devil.

Yeah.

I like to think he's just like, yes, God is at church and the devil's at the country club.

We have reservations for six at 8 p.m.

under

B UB, first name B L Z.

Yeah.

Lucifer.

The last name is Fur, first name under my wife, Lucy.

It appears that the monster, whatever it was entered from over the pond, and Mr.

Criven lives over there.

Now it's just like literally like talking about my neighborhood near Mr.

Crivens.

He's the fellow who borrowed my saw and never returned it.

Mr.

Vaughn says it's a hoax, for he says the tracks are not heavy enough for such a big man or animal okay so they're not so he's a depth print guy this is the guy that's right yeah someone took a a cut out of a foot and and and didn't push it down hard enough and he and this guy knows that's why you got to wear the print shoes yeah thank you thank you thank you yeah it's see it's like did you not see csi dylan south carolina

obviously yes it's classic csi

csi 1925 such a good show yeah really good especially 21 Dylan, great.

Yes, I Dylan.

It was the first radio drama.

So boring.

Just tear, like, Ludacris is starring in it.

Like, yo, this is not good.

And all they did back then was footprints.

It was just print stuff.

I don't think this is a real footprint.

It looks like a murderer walks through our town.

Wow.

Others exclaim, Wild Man, and some say it is a gorilla which has gotten loose.

I like this guy.

And some.

You fools, fools, it's a gorilla for the last time.

A gorilla's foot looks really different than a person's foot.

That's why

the gorilla's foot is only wide.

Yes.

Like it is not narrow.

Yes, that's why they don't wear shoes.

It looks like a head.

I am not.

Okay, first of all,

y'all a bunch of city fool.

This is a gorilla and we've got ourselves a leaping riller.

Look at it.

You can't tell if it's a head or a foot.

He might have been somersaulting, you fools.

Yeah.

What's the neighbor's name?

Yeah,

that guy.

Yeah, you're like, Mr.

Vaughn.

Gorillas are not native to the United States, so there won't just be a gorilla walking around.

Gorillas go where trees exist.

Gorilla eggs hatch out of tree trunks, you fools.

Good lord.

Oh, God.

Read a book.

Yeah, read a book.

Anyhow, the tracks were made by something.

Anyhow being in the paper is fucking incredible.

Like, that is like a

get back on track.

You're writing a fucking article.

Anyhow, what was I talking about?

Oh, right, this paper.

Anyhow, the tracks were made by something.

The editors saw them.

The news spread all over town, and all kinds of gossip has been indulged in since.

Everything that's gossiped is true.

The paper.

We might have a devil gorilla.

The rarest breed.

Satan's money.

Sitting at table six at the country club.

Oh, yes, we'll have some more bananas, Flambay.

That is obvious.

The papers recently carried accounts of big tracks being found in Marlborough County, and it is stated such a revelation has appeared in one of the western counties of South Carolina.

So now everyone's like, well, we got him too.

We also have a gorilla.

It was all the talk Monday,

and as the shades of evening gathered, a spooky feeling pervaded many households, especially children were excited.

Now, the creature making the tracks has not been seen except possibly in the imagination of some nervous folks.

Yeah.

No, it's Bigfoot.

But the tracks did not stop in the the swamp near the laundry and Presswood Crossing.

Lo and behold, Tuesday morning comes the news that the same kind of looking indentures were being

and thereby did appear in a field on the plantation of Mr.

Lid Jordan.

Automobiles hastened out in numbers to witness the mysterious affixments upon the earth, and the report was found to be correct.

The editor talked with Mr.

Jordan and he confirmed the rumors, but Mr.

Jordan gave his opinion that, quote, it was all a put-up job.

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It's the fall time of year.

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Well, why write an article so long about

a fucking hoax?

Because everyone's talking about it.

Yeah, but he really likes a set of footprints.

Yeah, he led us along on that ride.

He really did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's like, you know, that poem Footprints in the Sand about Jesus, that got a lot of traction.

So I just

heard

that story.

About possible gorilla tracks in Dylan, South Carolina.

Well, it actually opens an interesting idea for an article.

I would like to track those Jesus steps on the beach.

What we got here, boys, is a faux Christ.

I guess my question is: do gorillas have a devil?

By the way, if Jesus was put on that cross, he probably shouldn't be walking on open sand and carrying someone that will get infected.

The only person who will save him is Jesus himself, whom he might be.

But if he's not, I think we're thinking of a cross gorilla.

Go ahead, Sarah.

It is interesting that, like, you know, it ends up at the Jordan, Jordan farm or whatever.

Yeah.

Jordan does have big feet

and tar heels.

Whoa.

What a, yeah.

It looks like in between the steps

is a length of a free throw.

Each step has the cadence of a man running and jumping from the free throw line.

Oh, you'll like this ending, Gareth.

If any further developments occur, readers of The Messenger will be told of the facts next week.

So, children, don't get excited.

Don't be alarmed, for the wild man will do you no harm.

I don't care for it.

How would you know?

See?

It is a poem.

Yep, it is.

This.

How would you know the wild man will do you no harm?

Well, I I think it's we haven't seen any bones near the track.

Because they invented it.

Yeah.

It's all made up for the paper.

Don't worry.

They invented the wild man.

This is lore.

So I could tell you he's safe because

he is a figure of my imagination.

Bullshit can't die.

Space innocent.

He wrote anyhow.

Anyhow.

He's clearly trying.

Remember when you were writing papers in high school and you like, they needed to be like so many pages long?

You would use a lot of extra words oh the amount of times i would write what was i talking about

uh oh

wait what was i talking about again

therefore

so many therefores which leads me to believe

i do remember i do remember starting a paper once by saying um when i started this paper i thought euthanasia was about young people in asia and my teacher just like crossed it out and was like do not include stuff like this i was

I was like, buddy, I came up with a great joke.

And I didn't realize other people had made the joke.

I was like, yeah, that's a great joke.

Caught booze suckers.

Caught booze suckers?

All right.

Drunk vampires.

A few days ago, a liquor salesman visited Chira and Bennettsville, and it is reported that he picked up a couple thousand from our good citizens.

The advanced agent of booze.

That's a great name of a bar.

It is, actually, it is, yeah.

Informed his eagerness, yeah.

The advanced agent of booze.

Yeah.

Informed his eager purchasers that a truck was following him with liquor refreshments.

Liquor refreshments.

This is a dream.

Now, this is 2021.

Yeah.

So prohibition?

Yeah.

Yeah, I believe it's already.

This is like the best.

Sir, let me change my cum-filled pants.

It is said that a good many of the aforesaid citizens of the two towns purchased heavily, stocked up for Christmas.

So they're like, he's like,

there's a giant chuck of booze behind me.

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Would you like to give me money for the booze that isn't here yet?

And

I've been tracking him.

The salesman said that he would accept checks, but the purchasers, not wishing to leave any trail behind them, shelled out the long green.

Oh, that's a good way of putting it, too.

For a short time after his departure, there was a smackering of lips and anticipation of some real stuff.

Lies.

None of your home made brand, but before long, the pleasant anticipations were changed to

anxious expectancy and then dire grief.

For lo, the truck with its cargo of oh joyful has not yet arrived.

Oh, no.

And And now the leading citizens are sadder, but wiser.

But wiser.

I mean, I don't know.

They're pretty fucking stupid.

Yeah.

Did they read the article that proceeded directly above this?

I don't think they're wiser.

No, they're not.

They're only wiser because they don't believe there's a gorilla hopping from farm to farm.

They're like, they paid a man for future booze.

They're smarter idiots.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

That guy, when he got money, when that guy got that money he was probably just like fucking wow this town is full of morons yeah yes it's coming right that way yeah

they have gin now don't they sir oh more than you can believe sir

yes

yes it's like the land of milk and honey but it is you know booze and rum oh it's got everything you could want

sounds like this must be a big truck sir it's the largest truck your eyes will ever see sir.

In fact, it's been making footprints all over the farm.

So, sweet God

is such a giant vehicle, it may as well be our leaping rilla.

Why, this truck is so big, it'll be eating at the country club tonight, sir.

Isn't it like so beautiful that we literally used to believe anything, and now we don't believe believe don't believe anything.

Yeah, we're gonna be able to do it.

Well, we skewed to like it's like we now believe like we used to just be idiots and now we love fantasy that's right yeah now we're just like i don't know like someone's been trying to get a hold of me to give me a refund check for a doctor's bill and i'm like this is fake this isn't real

spam phishing

but it was it was like a real it was a real amount of money and i was like oh whoops like i just assumed someone was trying to

well everyone yeah

everything being a ripoff.

What doctor's office gives you back money?

I mean, who would think that's real?

Yeah, honestly.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Yep.

I also believe a gorilla is walking around a field.

Well, that's true.

I am.

I've seen the tracks.

You're right.

Sorry.

My bad.

Church for animals.

Fucking

finally.

That was called an arc.

That was called an arc.

Just in case we're all

sure.

One of the good things which have gone to extremes seems to be the first church for animal rights, which was organized secretly in New York.

My cat does not believe in God.

My cat believes heavily in Christ.

Okay.

It's planned to include regular Sunday services, a school for children in the cult, and an animal but yeah, they're already going hard on it.

Whoopsie.

didn't mean to say the quiet part out loud

and an animal bible composed of scripture passages in

incalculating humanity the book

so anytime they're taking any scripture passages that involves animals

or has a humanity to animals oh so it's not just you're not bringing your animals to i was really excited for

yeah i was thinking you were bringing your animals to church.

And you have to leave.

I was also thinking you have to leave.

You have to leave.

You drop them off.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you're

putting your.

It's like doggy daycare, but religious.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it's basically a doggy daycare, and then some guy's reading the Bible.

Yeah, and the priest is like, all right, animals, quiet down, quiet down, quiet down.

We all know the term flock applies to man, but who more appropriate than for the canine, the felon, and a couple of lambs in the back?

Don't worry, y'all shan't be sacrificial.

Now!

Thou shalt not lick your balls while at a restaurant.

Just because one can taste his own ball bag doesn't mean he should.

All right, perfect.

Just

throwing holy water.

Now, why do the dogs love it?

The cats seem to fear it.

Thou shalt not hump thy neighbor.

Thou shalt not hump thy neighbor.

Thou shalt not puke and eat your own puke.

When you puke, let your puke sit.

Someone will clean it up.

Eating it is honestly very off-putting.

Don't piss in the house.

Now, I understand you might have a worm.

It doesn't mean you're allowed to scoot on the rug.

Thou shalt not rug scoot.

We all get itchy back there, and we deal with it in different ways, but you're always disgusting.

That's a rug.

That's for maybe laying by the fireside or having a scribble at a journal.

This is the 1920s.

You know, grandpa sleeps on the rug.

That's why we're letting grandpa die.

No butt scooting.

Cats, why are you eating your fur?

It's crazy.

The purposes of the new church are announced to be the teachings of the oneness of life and the awakening of humane consciousness.

Well, that is actually great.

The championship of the rights of animals, these rights being defined as similar to the human rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

I think that all the fucking, I mean, all the time, I'm always just like, but none of this ever, like, we're just like, obviously, there's not really a sense of equality any longer, but when we were fighting for it, we were like, and pigs should live in cages with one inch of room.

Yeah.

Because bacon.

Yeah.

Because bacon.

The development of.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm with you.

Yeah.

The development of the character of youth through humane education and the attitude toward human organizations and animal societies as their spiritual foundation head.

I would go to this church.

I would definitely be in there if it was just all animal teachings.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I think a lot of people would probably

really enjoy the Bible if it focused on animals more than your own

faults.

But it would probably be shorter, too.

It'd be a lot shorter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Church would be way shorter.

And then you get to go eat chicken.

Yeah, and then right after he's like, yeah, right after.

All right, now who wants a burger?

Cows don't count.

Yum.

There we go.

Yeah.

Cool, cool, cool.

Thanks.

Worshiping animals.

We're not vegetarians, though.

There you go.

Well, I'm not saying we don't eat meat.

So, this next headline,

it's blurred, so

I can't tell this first version of this.

Could you go into this headline like an MC bringing up the headliner?

Is that possible?

Like, you're going to love this next article.

You're going to love this next article.

It came from south of the it.

Sorry.

It came from south of the border.

It's nice.

He's a really,

well, you're going to see, but

he's kind of off his rocker a little bit.

Whatever.

Snorting Hernando was some hard-boiled guy.

Woo!

Wait.

Snorting Hernando with some hard-boiled guy is the headline.

Yes.

Yep.

That's at the funny button.

Snorting.

Or it could be shorting, but it's got to be short.

Snorting Hernando does sound like a sidekick or like an opening act.

Completely.

Snorting Hernando.

This guy does colleges all over the country.

He tours all the time.

You're going to love him.

Give it up for Snorting Hernando.

He's got a podcast.

Yeah.

He's only done clubs and colleges, but he won't let you say clubs and colleges.

Oh, that's the best.

So far.

You've seen him on Comedy Central and TV.

Nobody could prove any of this.

Snorting Hernando.

The funniest thing when I used to.

Byron Allen.

Byron Allen.

Byron Allen.

The funniest thing is when I used to.

Comics Unleashed.

Yeah, he's only done clubs and colleges, but he makes you introduce him as you've seen him on Comics Unleashed.

Yeah.

By the way, Comics Unleashed.

There's nothing that unleashes comics more than their scripted bits.

Coming back, Byron Allen.

Well, because Byron Allen now has his own channel.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He has like, I can't remember what it's called, but.

Oh, fuck, Sarah.

Listen, I don't ask for much.

Get me in the blood.

All I want is to be on one of those shows fake laughing at other people.

Just all I want are my cutaways where I'm like,

that was hilarious, Jackie.

I'm dying.

I watched that show.

That's like the most in the backgroundable show.

The shows on Byron Allen's channel.

The best.

That's hateful.

He's a billionaire.

Starting handout.

Yeah.

Yep.

So much money.

Yep.

But that's what you do when you just, you can make a lot of money when you just go against unions and really just fucking.

Okey-dokey, buddy.

Some of us are trying to get on that show.

Sorry, Sarah.

Nice try, buddy.

Shod gang who was boss when time came to go, but he saved enough to get home.

Okay, whatever.

Hernando Cortez, the lad that took Montezuma's marbles and his country.

and his life away from him

back in the 16th century was a hard-boiled guy.

What the fuck is happening?

This is like Maxim.

It's an article from the 16th century.

It's

okay.

You went Maxim, and I was thinking somebody's doing their book report and they put it in the paper.

A little bit.

Yeah, there's that too.

I just like the idea that, like, it's just like, hey, this guy was, this fucking lunatic was pretty awesome

we're so far removed from how funny is it that like society was just far more informed when fhm and maxim existed like we were back then like boy we're idiots and now you're like at least there was like some substance to our shit

okay it looks like it looks like his name

yeah it's probably named after him no relation

no relation

his name is hernand not hernando uh was was a Spanish conquisador who led an expedition that caused the fall of the Aztec Empire and brought large portions of what is now mainland Mexico under the rule of the king of Castile in the early 16th century.

Cool, man.

That is cool.

Yeah.

I like him.

Yeah, he sounds awesome.

From the time he crashed his way into his first bullfight by carrying water for the horses, he was always inviting old man Trouble's youngest and brightest boy out to do four rounds before breakfast.

What in the fuck is happening?

I don't even understand.

The neighbors used to say,

quote, that Hernie Cortez is a reckless young feller.

Mark my words, he'll come to no good end.

Wow, what?

What a weird.

What in the fuck?

This is like fan fiction.

I like the idea.

I really like the idea of like start like doing that like wistfully.

Boy, that guy's a hell of a guy.

His end will be dark.

But Hernie used to get by with it.

His motto used to be: quote, I don't know where I'm going, and I don't care when I get back.

What the fuck is this?

That's hard-boiled.

This is about a conquistador.

That's a hard-boiled attitude.

That's hard-boiled.

That's eight to twelve minutes in boiling water and then put in ice.

People used to wonder how he did it until they discovered.

Yeah.

Yeah,

People used to wonder how he did it until they discovered that Cortez always had an ace in the hole.

He always had something saved up and ready for use when necessity demanded.

I guess I speak for Sarah and I and what are the specifics?

While he was snorting.

Snorting?

Why are they calling it snorting?

What is he snorting?

I don't know.

While he was snorting around the Caribbean Sea in a steel vest and a tin hat.

Snorting.

Snorting around.

I love how

funny Dave is finding this.

This is so funny.

I know.

It's really hilarious.

It's just so casually written about a conquistador.

Well, it makes very little sense, but snorting is your action verb when you're just walking or sailing.

And his gang dropped into Virginia.

It's got to be a sailing term, right?

It has to be.

Oh, it's got to be.

The boys and I are just snorting around tonight.

And the wife and I are going to go have a dinner, come back for a bit of a snort.

And his gang dropped into Veracruz.

Cortez had heard about Montezuma and his wonderful city up in the mountains and wanted to go.

The gang refused.

Quote, I'll show you who is boss, said Cortez, and burned every one of his ships as they lay on the beach.

Man, that's fucking some nice left-eye shit.

That's how you fucking do it.

That is how you do it.

Anyone doubts you or doesn't want to go along with your plans?

Yeah, you fucking burn them.

Yep.

Burn them again.

Yeah, you just set fire to Andre Reisen's house.

That's like the best thing.

You should do it.

Well, excuse me, Sarah.

No, you burn all of his shoes in a bathtub.

That's right.

And then there's

what she was doing.

I see, I see, I see.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's called bathtub messaging.

Well,

That left the gang no place to go but ahead, which was what Cortez wanted.

But he saved himself up something for the future.

Secretly, he saved every bit of iron about those ships, collected every nail from the ashes, tallowed them, and all the carpenter tools against rust, and said to the gang, let's go.

Sorry, we're framing him burning all of his own ships like some genius move because they're like, but he collected all the metal.

He had all the metal.

But all the people, all his people wanted to go home.

Yeah, but they so burned the ship.

So now they have to go forward.

Yeah, but he's got the metal.

But he was doing good.

He had all the ships.

He had all the metal.

Now he has the metal from the ships.

Yes, which were already constructed on the ships.

If people went home, he probably had more.

But now it's in a pile.

Oh, good point.

I get you're right.

When he came back to work,

it definitely sounds like decisions that people make when they're snorting stuff.

Yeah, this will be a good idea.

It's sniffing lodge.

Yeah, yeah, no, this is.

I think snorting did mean Coke.

He's like, you know what?

I'm just going to burn all the boats

and then I'll still have the metal and then we'll all have to go north.

Yeah, that's fucking perfect, dude.

That's fucking perfect, dude.

Yeah, and then we could make one sword that we all share.

Yeah, yeah, we all have one big sword.

I'm like, it's got like 85, it could fit like 85 hands.

Oh, give me a gummer.

Give me a gummer.

When he came back to Veracruz, he cashed in on his savings.

He resurrected the nails.

I'd like to deposit a bunch of nails.

Sir, we're a bank.

Oh,

you don't take nails at this bank?

All right, then I'll just submit business elsewhere.

I'd like to withdraw four pounds of steel.

He

resurrected the nails, built new ships, and took the gang and the money they had captured back to Spain.

Okay, so he kept all the iron because that was the only thing they couldn't make to build ships.

So they knew they could build it with wood, which is.

I think my pushback earlier is being validated.

I'm just saying.

We made a lot of guys do a lot of work.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The moral is that.

This seems like, yeah, just seems like a very long process.

Like they could have gotten back to their families a lot faster had they not had to rebuild ships.

Yeah, multiple ships.

Bad boss.

Multiple ships.

I do like that the next part starts with the moral because everyone reading this is like, hey, what the actual fuck is happening right now?

Anyway.

The moral is that it may be all right to burn your ships, but save the nails.

Bang.

I literally am going to end this podcast.

The moral.

The only saying.

Can you

Go ahead.

Can you say the moral again?

Sure.

The moral is that it may be all right to burn your ships, but save the nails.

Yep.

Cool.

Okay.

No?

Nobody has any problems with it.

Yeah, we all have to say that.

I mean, I guess, yeah, next time when I burn my ships, I'll do that.

Thank you.

See?

Sarah learned something.

Why can't you?

Lesson learned.

She's being nice.

The only safe plan for any man to follow is to have a reserve fund in case of emergencies.

And there is only one safe and sure plan to accomplish that is to save a certain amount of money every payday and invest it safely.

What the fuck?

This is like Jim Kramer shit.

Just listen.

This is so dumb.

And invest it safely where it will be protected, where it will work for you and where you can get it when you need it.

The new saving securities of the Treasury Department, the saving stamps and saving certificates are the safest and most available

worst ad ever.

Of piloting upon the side of the world.

I'm including Hulu ads.

The longest, worst ad I've ever heard.

And I'm including YouTube commercials that get a poop on your phone.

That was great.

That is crazy.

I'm lowering my A1C stamps.

Sarah, Sarah.

When you're on a Hulu bender and you're like, if I hear these fat people sing about their A1C again, I'm literally going to go to Hulu headquarters with a sword.

Yeah.

I'm going to.

Yeah.

I'm going to start.

You know what I would really love?

But keep the cord.

I would really love.

I would really love to start auditioning for B-roll acting in pill commercials.

Like where it's me and my friends like laying down a towel on the beach and then we got to go to a lobster roll truck while it's just like my elbows got a little pink.

So then I started taking Pic Noxy.

I'm a B-roll actor.

Me and my friends now, this is what we do.

Oh, man.

You just want to work in pill commercials.

Yeah, I just want to work as B-roll and pill commercials.

Just having sex.

What?

Yeah, huh?

Yeah, I would love to.

Go ahead.

What?

Sure death to insects.

Okay.

This is not a patent medicine advertisement, but the discovery of a Dylan man who says his remedy is infallible.

Well, that's, trust me, in this era, that's always true.

Mr.

D.

V.

Perry, the automobile painter, said, quote, I discovered it by

not a job.

Automobile painter?

Yes, think about it.

You got to paint cars.

One guy.

It's still a job.

It's a job today.

Stop.

And then what's his first, what are his first initials?

DV.

DV.

DMV.

Guys,

the tinfoil hat, everything.

Domestic violence.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Domestic Violence Perry.

Hello, my name is Domestic Violence Perry.

I'd like to take you on a date.

I see no flags.

Mr.

D.

D.

Perry, the automobile painter, said, I discovered it by accident, and so I am passing it along for the benefit of my friends.

Take your electric light globes and dip them in oil.

This fucking this is this.

Hear me out.

Hear me out.

Listen.

Say it as Alex Jones.

Globes.

Take your electric light globes and you're going to want to dip these in oil.

Okay.

Just ordinary oil that comes out of

crank cases.

You want to have your crank cases.

Automobile shops.

Out of your auto body shops.

And put the lamps back in.

Then you pop your lamp back in.

The moment the insects hit.

You're going to be able to see inside the head of an alien.

The moment the insects hit them, they drop dead.

Oh, so this this is just insects.

How to kill bugs?

Right.

By frying them in light oil.

Sure.

Yep.

I can't explain it.

I do not know.

I don't think you can because we've heard you try.

We had a quote.

What does the work?

But I know that it kills them.

Okay.

One of the globes at the shop got some oil on it.

Oil.

Oh, sorry.

There must be a delay.

So.

Yeah, sorry.

What did you say?

Am I?

Yeah.

Okay.

I was saying that I think it's because when a bug lands on the oil, it's like wings or its feet get heavy from the oil and then they can't fly.

Yeah.

That's right.

I think it just turns them Italian.

Is that wrong?

What?

We're going to get some letters.

Why?

Nobody writes letters.

People write letters all the time.

Yeah,

because they wouldn't fly into oil if it's in a bucket, but they're going at the light and they love to hit that light.

So yeah, that makes sense.

Sarah nailed it.

Well,

it's on their little wings.

On their little wings.

And they never have been a tastier.

I began to investigate and found that it was the oil in the lamp globe that had killed them.

To make sure that my theory was correct, I took some of the oil home and dipped the light globes into it.

His wife's just like, Frank, what the fuck are you doing?

Domestic violence, what are you doing here?

The amount of times where you just have to think about the wife.

This era of papers where you're just like, the wife's like, cool.

And I can't get a job or do my own taxes.

Honey, dip the globe in oil.

We're going to get rid of bugs.

That night, I had the pleasure of seeing hundreds of bugs and insects fly to the globes and then topple over dead

yeah

ah the pleasure

man it is so great dv what are you doing out there we

can't he just use the paint that he's painting the cars with and like

spray the bugs as they're flying i guess that would make a mess

i like the idea of scorched earth painting the sky why is there paint all over the earth what the hell have you done have you seen one bug

woman Woman, have you seen one bug?

Yes, they're flying with paint all over them, all over the place.

Well,

their time is short.

Everything's great.

It's also really fun.

It's outside of paint.

If you dip the little light bugs, if you dip the light bugs in blue paint and then let them fly, then you have a beautiful night sky.

He's just covered in blue.

Everything's blue.

I don't think you'll get bit by another mosquito for a minute.

I'm leaving you, and that's not even possible in this time.

I've invented divorce

since the wet weather in July and August, our house has been full of bugs and insects.

Fine wire screens will not keep them out.

They had annoyed us greatly, but now the bugs and insects are gone.

As is my wife.

Everything I love is gone.

I found a way to get rid of mosquitoes and my lovely wife.

I would advise anyone who's troubled with bugs and insects to try the remedy.

The oil is plentiful at the garages where they will give it away to get rid of it.

Excuse me.

I was going to see if you boys could give me another globe's worth of oil.

I'm having a barbecue on Saturday.

I mean, honestly, I don't really hate that invention.

I think that's a really fun idea.

I have a good idea.

I can't.

I honestly can see the monster footprint easier than what the fuck this guy's talking about.

Yeah.

I mean, he's just, it's just, it's just car oil.

It's just car oil.

You just dip a light in car oil and then the bugs kill them.

It's a bug zapper in 1921.

I don't believe it to be true.

You two are way too on board with whatever the fuck.

Look, did it last?

Do we hear about it now?

Thank you.

This really took off.

Thank Thank you.

You should have patented it.

I mean, it was probably a hot idea.

It probably got the boss started for

bag zappers.

I'll bet you this guy was collecting money for this saying that a truck was down the road with all the supplies they needed.

That's how real this was.

Light bulbs and oil.

Yeah.

Just like a fantastical liquor.

He's giving away the idea.

He's not trying to hold on to anything.

He's not trying to profit.

He's being very neighborly.

You both sound a little hard boy.

South Carolina.

I know.

I mean, people ask me

the hardest part about living in LA, and I'm like, I, you know, it's Dodgers fans, but like, honestly, like, other than that, like, I would pay 90% in taxes to live here to like never have to go back to bugs or snakes that just like devour me all summer long.

So

I get where this guy's coming from.

So I'm on board.

When she goes back, she gets devoured by snakes every time that i've i have actually seen some of your posts

this is why i don't come back

her poor mom

her mom is literally just fighting off snakes day and night well we love your mother uh we're big fans of your mother

does your mother still listen to our shows

oh yeah all the time or is she'll be the first to text me okay after she listens to this in her little sewing room as she's sewing her quilts or

cat boats Right now, she's been doing,

she's been, yeah, she's been making

beaded stuff now.

So she's been making like jewelry

with beads.

Come on, start up.

I'm ready to wear it.

Yeah, next level.

I'm ready to wear it.

You let her know.

Can she make girls?

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Sue.

A crown.

Sue, if it's possible to give me a crown,

and may I go around saying I'm the king of podcasts?

If that's possible, Sue.

Well, Sarah, thank you for joining us.

Always a pleasure.

People should listen to sports bitches.

Are you do you go on the road and do stand-up?

I always see your clips.

Are you on the road a lot?

No.

No.

You have a child and a daughter?

I'm always going to be old enough and ugly enough to do the road.

So I'm going to just wait until my child is a little older.

I mean, I do it here and there every once in a while, like when I actually have the time, but yeah, it's just like away.

Your next special, old enough and ugly enough.

Let's go.

And I'm on the road doing it.

No, Velita, someone who's on the road all the time, that

hits home pretty hard.

Well, thank you, Sarah.

Appreciate it.

You're the best.

Thank you for returning as a champion.

Some of these days,

you'll miss me honey.

Some of these days.

Hey, Dollop fans.

I know you love the dollop.

You love listening to the dollop.

Do you want to watch the dollop?

You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about?

By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth.

Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes.

So, if you want to go watch a five-parter animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome awesome animation of the Rube.

It really genuinely kicks ass, and we're very proud of it.

And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them.

We're already making a second one, so go there and watch The Rube.

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