143 - The Past Times with Matt Braunger

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All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, the great Matt Bronner.

Hello, Matt.

Hi, guys.

Thanks for the great part.

Appreciate it.

Thanks for having me on.

And

all our sarcastic, snipey bullshit before we started aside, I really, I love all the stuff you guys do.

It always makes me laugh and keeps me company when I'm on the road and lonely.

Oh, Matt.

Well, listen, we all know what that's like.

but you were on a live doll up.

You were on a very interesting

episode because

we were threatened with a lawsuit.

How much do you remember like all the crazy shit before the show where we were like, what?

We had to take out an insurance policy on our content, which was

yeah.

I didn't, I didn't really understand exactly what was going on.

I remember you guys were basically being,

I think, as respectful as one could be to the situation, but at the same time, being like, what is this?

We had to take out like a million-dollar insurance.

It was the craziest.

Thankfully, we really thought like that was going to be a new thing, but thankfully, it was just kind of a one-off where it was like this theater was just fucking crazy for whatever reason.

Yeah.

But we were like, what?

So we never released your live dollop that we did at

the Mile High Comedy Festival, whatever the fuck is that.

Yeah, that's so strange.

I don't know why they think you or I or David would be that controversial.

It's David.

They probably.

I mean, we don't need to fuck around.

We know who the fucking fire starter is.

Okay, well, let's just clear the air.

What?

Because he was on Epstein's jet?

He was taking a ride.

That's all.

That's all.

He was piloting.

He was piloting.

He was a pilot.

He was a pilot.

I just did that and I cleaned out the bathrooms.

That's all I do.

That's all I did.

I did.

I know.

Anyway, well, we're very glad to have you back.

You have a new podcast called Tank Top Talk,

where you show off the goods.

I mean, I think that's a fair way to put it.

It's Tank Top Talks.

Not that it matters because it's the dumbest idea, but

I just had this.

It's one of those best stupid ideas I ever had because it's, I was like, I'll call it Tank Top Talks.

I'll wear a tank top and so will my guest and we'll talk about the tanks and then we'll talk about whatever else.

And it's become, we've done about seven of them and it's been, it's like everyone feels so fucking silly and so do I because I typically wear pants with the tank top tucked in.

I like it.

And it just, the whole,

like, any kind of front you've thrown up goes away.

Now we were talking about that.

You take seriously, or take yourself seriously.

You were having some technical issues, and so we were talking.

And during the tech talk, Dave said he would never do the show.

I mean, I have Dave on.

Dave will do it.

I agree.

He will do it.

He will wear a tank top.

Yes, he will.

Look, first of all, Ev came on and came with what she called a like

she, it's a muscle shirt.

She cut the sleeves off.

It's not technically a tank, but I allowed it.

Is a hot dog a sandwich?

So, David, I'm not sexually, but look, I know you can wear a tank.

You watch your mouth, Dave.

You watch your face, David.

If I put on

a tank top, I'm coming in to your podcast swinging.

We're fighting.

We can fight.

That would be new.

Fist fight.

That would be new.

I mean, it's, I think people would enjoy that.

I'm just trying to hit it on all levels.

So yeah, I think that's great.

That's great.

Some of the biggest clips from Jim Rome's show is when people tried to kick his ass.

I think you want that.

You want that heat.

We have the only segment we do is tuck in your tank, where we talk about you, you do a tucked-in take where you just say something, a crazy take.

And Dave, I think you would be perfect.

That you should just show up like that psycho doing flips in Roadhouse with the pool cue to my Dalton, okay, in Roadhouse.

You know what I mean?

Like the Moriarty to Shabon Holtz tank top style.

Yeah, okay.

That's fine.

I think that'd be great.

Are you in?

No, I'm still not doing it.

I'm going to hurt somebody.

such an ass well it's funny everybody's like

everybody's like before they ask them they're like oh i don't wear a tank top and then once they do they it's the funnest stupidest thing oh yeah i just had ed patterson on and she forgot her tank and stopped it at like a gas station and bought a t-shirt and cut the sleeves off so it's just like it's all about being silly that's all Edie Patterson, Dave, righteous gemstones.

Any thoughts?

Yeah, you're better on her.

No, you're not.

All right, Matt.

Where we're going to start this this is we're going to guess what year this newspaper could be from.

You're going to guess first.

There's no context.

It's just a shot in the dark.

Dave wants you to win.

Dave will cheat me for you to win.

But

I have a good shot because I'm pretty good at reading him.

Even right now, he's got a cheeky boy face on.

But Matt, what year do you think this old newspaper could be from?

Where am I?

Pucky the dog.

Read the headline or what?

No, that's it.

No shot in the dark.

Oh, I just guessed the year.

Yeah.

Just randomly?

It's like guessing, like guessing beans in a can.

Stop it.

I love it.

I'm going to do, I don't know why, but 1937 popped into my head.

That's pretty good.

1937, I'm going to guess 1971.

Wow, it's crazy.

1897, Matt wins.

Gareth, what were you doing?

What was this?

You were doing the up.

Pointing at the dog.

Ah, fuck.

All right.

Well, Well, good, Matt.

I'm glad you won legitimately, Matt, because Dave is a real piece of crap.

Got a pure strategy on my part.

Yeah.

All right.

All right.

1897.

August 1st, 1897.

The Sunday Chronicle.

August 1st is.

It is.

It was done.

Yeah.

Let's do another take where we pretend we did it like that.

Three, two, one.

Matt, we know.

We catered it towards your birthday.

Happy birthday, baby.

Happy birthday.

Thanks, guys.

Yeah.

It's the Sunday

Chronicle from Chicago, which also is a place that you enjoy.

Wonderful new gun.

Oh, no.

It's a good headline.

It's a wonderful new gun.

United States is building a cannon that will astonish the world.

Well, unfortunately.

Unfortunately.

The United States is a cannon that will astonish the world in so many embarrassing ways.

Yeah, honestly.

That's sad.

Oh, yeah.

The national government is building

a new 10-inch wire gun.

A 10-inch wire gun?

What?

These weapons?

None of us are going to know what that is.

I don't.

I don't know what a wire gun is.

I don't care.

Jesus Christ.

It's like there's all these times where you just look back and you're like,

yeah, that there's so many, like sirens have been going off in America for two centuries.

Gun description has always veered toward what sounds cool

rather than what is effective.

Yes.

And I feel like wires were the lasers of its day in the 1800s.

What are you telling me?

That's a wire gun?

You won't be able to take this part out of this museum.

We've got wires all over.

I have wires in my home.

Well, don't worry.

We're pretty pretty safe.

We have ADT.

They put in wires.

What if it just shoots out like a big wad of wire?

That just hits you in the face.

And hopefully scratches you.

Yeah, you're like, yeah, what?

The guy's like, aha, not going anywhere now, are you?

You're all wired about.

You're like a curious kitten.

I can't find any image of a 10-inch wire gun on what it is.

I assume 10-inch is the barrel

circumference.

It fires of wires.

Just a huge

yarn ball of wires.

Because

if it's just 10 inches, it's not very big.

It has to be the barrel.

If they should have 10 inches of wire, it's like, this is used for when people order wire and I just deliver it.

Yeah, if you go to a Home Depot and you order enough wire, they'll go, all right, go around back to the wire gun.

We're going to, yeah, Tom will shoot it into your car.

Is that what Batman uses to like to get out of places like he shoots his wire gun in the ceiling and it pulls him up yeah the but he he needs more than i mean if he had a 10 inch range a batman you're still in the same room

i mean

i assume

i assume it uses it somehow uses a wire to well they call it a cannon projectile this doesn't sound wonderful it doesn't

1897 awesome though they're like buckle up everyone

Yeah, the Russians are like, you hear the Americans have wire cannon.

We just.

Okay, here you go.

It will weigh 30 tons.

Wow.

Fuck off.

What?

Several L.

What?

And hurl a 600-pound shell with a muzzle velocity of 2,988 feet per second.

Now we're talking.

Ah, it will be wrapped with 75 miles of wire weighing 30,000 pounds.

What the fuck is this?

What is going on?

What is this?

Is this just for home defense?

Yeah, what is this?

This is for defending a small farm or a single family?

What is this?

This is like you put this on the coast.

Did you say

70 miles?

70-some miles.

70 miles.

It's on the coast, but what are you going to hit?

You're not going to hit a ship.

In 1897, you're not hitting a ship from that far away.

You're not fucking shot.

This is like you're one and done.

So if one sloppy sailor on the ship just fires it wrong, they're like, God damn it, Davis.

Sorry.

I thought I had him.

Well, let's reload it.

We don't have the miles of wires, you idiot.

We only had the one.

Oh.

It was a team of 30.

It took them a year to wind the wire.

Eight years of planning for this shot.

I feel bad enough already.

Stop.

Jesus Christ.

So it's like

something you put on a battleship kind of or no, it's for the coast.

It's for coastal defense.

Yeah.

Okay, okay, okay.

Yeah.

So you shoot at chips or a guy.

Okay, so 10 inches.

10 inches.

So Gareth was right.

It is the barrel.

The 10 inches.

That's got to be.

Got to be.

Okay.

Just like me.

Right, Bill?

Hey, Dave.

Hey, Dave.

Remember this stuff we talked about being really problematic?

This is one of those things.

I have a 10-inch wide.

Don't get us sued again.

Like, like,

we want to release this episode with Matt.

So please.

Is it not sexy to say I have a 10-inch wide penis hole?

David.

David.

That was that.

That's now.

But back then was like, oh, I got a new tattoo.

You can only see it when it's hard.

It was like, dude, I didn't know.

No one knew if you were joking or not.

Dave, are you insinuating you have a 10-inch wide urethra?

That's right.

That's right.

You feel good about what you're doing?

Yeah.

This show's recording.

I've been losing your bastard.

I'm not in any pain with that size of urethra.

Dave, I listen to it every day.

David.

Looking in there.

Starting with a finger.

Dave Anthony.

Eventually a fist.

I'm calling her wife.

Are you the guy from the Robert Mapplethorpe photo that I saw in high school that ruined me and my friends?

A big bit of a big can of chili front of the digit into his.

Yeah.

That's my inspiration.

By the way, that's Joe Rogan's advice on how to get rid of tetanus.

Just jam your finger in it.

Look, it's not his fault that so many guys didn't clean their fingernails before they tried it, though.

Thank you.

Like so many.

They didn't know.

They went straight from the gym mat.

They didn't know.

Dig it in there.

You shouldn't figure out your own.

He's a great example why you shouldn't figure out your own dose of testosterone.

Go to a doctor.

Counterpoint, he's a doctor.

Go ahead.

Look, okay.

I went to one of those pop-up medical facilities slash trucks called testosterone.

Are those accredited?

I never,

I thought the side, the graphic on the side of the fan was

a pop-up.

It's a pop-up testosterone clinic.

I only go to fan physicians.

I won't fuck around with brick and mortar.

No, not after COVID and what they said, everything was a lie.

No.

Yeah.

No.

All doctors lied.

Yeah, the only people who were telling the truth during COVID were comedians on podcasts, which is, you know, weird, but that's how it worked.

100%.

Yeah.

Can you imagine like those first couple years where you're on the road opening for people and you're in the green room and the guy's like, listen,

I see you just went to the doctor, give me those forms, just tears them in half.

Guys, guys, half drunk before the first show, yeah, yeah, okay.

Those first couple years after, like, after the 2020, where you were like in green rooms, and you were kind of like, you were hearing some people had been really sighed, like, they'd been siloed off on their own for a minute.

You were hearing some stuff where you're like, oh, absolutely.

My favorite was in the thick of 2020, where like my wife was soon to be giving birth in like mid-2020, like the summer.

And so I wasn't going anywhere, but the amount of discourse online of, hey, you can still go up in this place.

Oh,

hey, you know,

side splitter,

Benny's Belly Buster Cafe is still open.

Yeah.

Yeah, they were the places.

You can go.

On the side of the curve.

Oh, yeah.

You'd go to Florida.

My agent laughingly saying, I can book you.

Just be like, I'm eating.

You can roll the dice if you really need to talk.

Do your dick jokes that bad right now.

If you're dying, I am nothing.

You might actually die.

I can't stand on stage.

If I can't be on stage, I'm not a human.

That's when you know.

That's when you know

the guys who really need therapy on a different level.

Well, I call my mouth my 10-inch wire cannon.

Thoughts?

Dave?

I don't think it's funny, and now you're mocking me, and I've been on my project, which I've been working at for a long time.

Why don't you just get back to the paper, maybe?

Dumb man speaks!

Hey, the David, no, you.

Oh, Reynolds!

Reynolds!

You!

Oh, look at this.

Charles Shrank of Wisconsin.

Shit, he's a shrink.

The dumb person state.

I didn't know he was a shrink.

Recovers speech.

That's what I call my therapist, by the way.

A shrink?

Yeah.

Best tense?

Yeah.

Recovers speech after nine years.

Oh, wow.

For nine years, Charles Shrank has been dumb.

Oh, they're saying

like he can't speak.

Yeah, we don't use that term anymore because it's highly

stupid for nine years.

Yeah, like if you were to say Joe Rogan's dumb, it would be, it wouldn't make sense today.

That's right.

Not since he had a terrible dream one night has he spoken a word.

Yesterday, he returned to his parents in Peshtigo, Wisconsin, able to talk as

before he was stricken.

Okay, so he just let's let's break them all up.

He had a lot of dreams.

I love an old article like this that reads, like, just reads like

the basis of a short horror story.

Like, I just put that in print.

He had a bad dream and he hasn't spoken in.

My God.

My God, Charles, tell us what the dream was.

Well, you wouldn't even be able to get that far.

It's not important.

Editors, like, they had the whole thing.

They hold the whole thing of the dream.

And the editor's like, cut it.

It doesn't matter.

We've all been.

Or he didn't reveal it until the nine years later, like he's just hanging out.

He's like, it was a dream.

Jesus Christ, Charles, what?

I had a nightmare.

Nine years ago, I dreamt I couldn't use my arms.

He watched, I'm sure he watched his uncle strangle someone to death next to a riverbed, and his uncle told him it was a dream.

Yeah.

And actually, he never spoke.

Like that was an era of that.

older relatives being like, you dreamt that.

And you going, oh, God, I wouldn't believe it so much.

And it seemed

like a dream

and then he realized after nine years he was like

oh my god it was my cousin tommy that he drowned well where well look who's talking again

talking about his dreams nine years and then choosing to speak

while while he could hear and know all that was said to him his vocal cores cords refused to work after being under the treatment of Dr.

Sanger Brown of this city for a few weeks, he has entirely recovered.

Oh, Shrank was but 11 years of age when he had a dream.

What the vision was, he cannot remember, but it frightened him so that he was unable to speak the next day.

What?

I get it.

I don't remember my dreams.

Yeah, but you don't shut up.

I mean, but then to man 90, to go on a nine-year talk strike and do like the closure they would be demanding.

Getting up and you got your wife and kids or whatever just expecting you to go about your day.

You will not talk.

And all you write on a piece of paper is bad dream.

Bad dream.

You just don't speak for days.

And days would come weeks and weeks would come months.

And your wife divorces you and your kids start to hate you.

As they're leaving the house,

as they're leaving the house, house, you slam the paper on the wall and just point, bad dream, you know.

And then finally, nine years later, well, Charles, now that you're talking, what was it?

I don't remember.

All right.

So, what's for dinner?

I kind of wish this guy was just not, he was, he was, he would make noises, but he would, he did a terrible, like bad deaf person

impression when he spoke.

And you're just like,

charles like

stop

that's not natural you just

it's really offensive charles no this will age poorly charles this is

worse than the wire cannon yeah his parents sent him to the all

to all the physicians in the vicinity of his home, but all the cures failed.

When the young man first came to Dr.

Brown, he was informed that nothing could be done for him, but the physician studied the case for a few days and at last made an experiment, which resulted in the cure of the young man.

What experiment?

Do we know the experiment?

In discussing his cure yesterday, young Shrank expressed himself as feeling like a new man.

He said it seemed odd to hear his own voice again after so many years of silence.

No, I'm all of a sudden I'm British.

How many times do you think this kid was slapped by different doctors?

Oh, the doctors he was going to

Pumps full of cocaine.

Oh, well, yeah, just loaded.

Yeah, honestly, the best song, by the way, to a non-doctor is a bump.

Oh, yes.

Hey, go, John.

Do you have any ideas for your own business or for like a movie?

Do you have any movie ideas?

Okay, yeah.

Look, I have one.

I've been thinking of one.

It's about this.

No, no, no, no.

You got to sit down.

You got to sit down.

You got to sit down.

You got to sit down.

Like,

oh, my God.

What is this journalism?

If any of us went went back in time, we would lose our minds.

They didn't share the dream or the cure in this article.

No.

It's a dream.

What in the living fuck?

Nothing happened.

How do you know?

Maybe the guy wouldn't give up.

Maybe he wouldn't give it up because he's like, ah, trade secrets.

I can't tell you guys what I did.

But it was maybe not the dream.

The very last line of the article, being fillated by a man.

We find it

just buried piece of gay history.

His first words were,

I'm finishing.

Here we go.

By the way,

here we go before an organ.

Was a gasped delightful.

Delightful.

Oh, wondery.

Michigan girls are sprightly.

This is terrible.

This sounds like something you'd find in the Epstein birthday card.

I don't think that's wrong.

I don't know.

I don't think it's wrong, but I'm worried about where it's headed.

Yes, absolutely.

1897.

Any female observational articles in 1897 are just like,

you're about to read buttocks.

That's right.

Sprightly could be.

Yeah, it's a slippery slope right?

It could be loaded.

Yeah, you're right.

Yes.

The young ladies of Greenville are strictly up to date.

They can swim.

That's problematic.

That's a problematic sentence right there.

That's tough.

They're not vaccines.

They can swim, dive, and are good

markswomen.

Markswomen.

I can't believe they used the appropriate term.

They have recently acquired another fad in the shape of leapfrog parties.

Here we go.

Oh, boy.

Careful.

That's where it starts, quite frankly.

Careful.

Leapfrog parties.

Here we go.

Mind if I read an article on your leapfrog party?

Thing about leapfrog party, you know, it doesn't mean anything, but it means everything.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Guys?

Right, ladies?

A leapfrog party.

I'm going to send out an evite for my next birthday as a leapfrog party.

Only women as the police are taking me out of my house.

What?

Baby, it's a leapfrog party.

Baby, come on.

Come on.

And those who are posted say they do the act with as much agility and ease as their brothers.

Oh, because dudes were really into leapfrogging at this point.

Leapfrog parties are a big thing with guys.

You know, there's a lot of times where I lament the phone and the injection of internet and everything.

But then you hear this and you're like, I mean, this wasn't right either.

We were off on this too.

Yeah, like, I don't want to jump over you guys.

No, like, for you for an afternoon.

You say that because you haven't done it, but it's pretty fucking great.

And you're the guy pushing back on doing tank top talks.

I have a leapfrog podcast.

What?

Welcome back to Leap Pod.

The audio is terrible.

Yeah, it is terrible.

And you can't see all of it.

Did you feel?

And we don't tell you.

I got the little face loav

mics?

It was really bad.

Yeah, because you were just like,

we were using a boom mic.

It was

operating.

It just kept running into it with your face.

Yeah, Jesus Christ.

You make a good point, Gareth.

I at first was like, wow.

What an era where leapfrogging, you'd be like, fuck, dude.

Do you hear there's a leapfrog party on Friday?

I am just living for that.

I can't believe it's only Tuesday.

Oh, yeah.

I got all these classes.

Well, I also think like, you know, we are so, you know, we really are.

We're just like in our own little worlds.

It's the individualism is a nightmare and all that.

But again,

I would rather,

I would rather watch like YouTube videos than be like excited to go leapfrog over some fellas on a Friday.

Yeah.

Personal choice.

Now, if I got invited to the woman leapfrog party, yeah, I'm listening.

That's right.

That's right, Dave.

Yeah, with your judging eyes.

Yeah, I'm into it.

I don't care.

I don't, I'm to me, leapfrogging is not.

Me either.

Me either.

I don't care.

Any gender, any gender.

Anything about genders.

It's never about gender.

I'll do any gender.

I can leap over they're thems.

LGBTQI.

I'm an ally.

Ally.

Fuck you, Dave.

Ally.

Bigger ally.

The hopping.

Bigger ally.

The hopping and the being like

pushed down, hopped over again and again.

It just doesn't.

It's the chod stroke.

I'm not looking to get a chod stroke.

Well, you got to duck.

You got to like put your chin in your chest.

Otherwise, you're going to get a sack to the back of your head.

You're going to, you know, I like the back sack.

You're going to back sack.

Back sack's not bad.

You're going to get sack backed.

Hey, did you guys feel when Dave leapfrogged how big his meat is hole was?

That's suctioned.

It's suctioned on the back of my head.

You just gone swimming.

Jordan's

just grabbing my whole cranium.

Just grab my whole cranium.

Looks like a snake.

I've torn the back of my hair.

I've wrenched my neck to the side.

Hair off the back of their head.

I've ripped it off and there's just

careful.

Dave will fryer tuck you during a leapfrog if you're not careful.

Frogging with Dave, man.

Dave's frogging, I'm not frogging.

No way.

I'm going to go just go over and sit on the brandy barrel and have a couple, have a couple pops.

I'm going to do it at 10 in the morning.

morning's dave's pain is sucked off the back of my hair yeah we have morning brandy go frogging then we have our wine lunch frogging again

and then a whiskey dinner frogging that's right and then frogging

then frogging again frogging at night night frogging

night frogging

that's when we're just like you guys want to nude night frogging

drunk night frogging

the police show up ah you boys warried

Warrior.

How many how many,

like when they'd catch a couple guys, you know,

had no like full, like a couple, a couple of boys going at it, you know, because as we all can imagine, the hottest

gay sex had to be back in this era or it was totally forbidden.

It would ruin your life.

Yeah.

You get away with it.

My God.

Amazing.

How many guys were like, you know what?

No, we were leapfrogging.

Oh, my God.

100%.

I bet that's how it started.

That's how it started.

Yeah.

I bet that's how it started.

Why does this feel so natural?

I was jumping over, Bert.

I was jumping over.

Over.

I'm just really bad at leapfrogging.

Whoops.

Missing.

Whoops again.

Whoopsie.

I did not leap all the time.

There's a whole article about the guy who's the worst at leapfrogging.

He's got a big smile for someone who falls so short on their leapfrogs.

These two guys, they practice by themselves over and over and over, but they're still terrible.

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Son has no mercy.

Charles Sparr seeks to evict his mother and father.

Oh, boy.

I get it.

I get it.

Charles Sparr asked

Justice Hennessy yesterday for legal authority to eject his aged father and mother from the basement of the house leased by him at 5309 Laughlin Street.

Always with the addresses.

That's horrendous.

That's

no,

putting them, stashing your parents in the basement like a wine cellar is weird to begin with, but then being like, get out of here.

All parents should be basemented.

Dave has some issues with his father, so he

should all be basemented for sure.

Starting at six.

By the way, it's not a term most of us have a shorthand on.

Demented by grief over the unnatural conduct of his son, the old man has wandered from his home and neither neighbors nor police have been able to locate him.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

That's disease.

We're not laughing now, are we?

Now that he's Roman.

Hold on.

Wait, Matt, just so you know, this is Dave's dad.

This is the last known photo of Dave's father.

Oh, before he was basemented?

Before he was.

He was basemented in this sound, which I know.

Yeah, before the basement.

Yeah.

Well, he kept saying I'm king of the basement, so I put him down there.

Unmoved by the visible approach.

Your move of creating an entertainment center down there that

your cask of a Montiano, but with

surround sound.

Hey, there's no doorknob on this door.

Hey,

putting doorknobs on the wall.

This door won't open.

Unmoved by the pitable plight of his parents, Sparr will not relent and says that the disappearance of his father was premeditated to evoke favor from the court.

Oh my God, what a piece of shit.

You know this guy, you know what I'm picturing when

I'm picturing this guy is, what was the name of Martin Skirelli?

I'm picturing him, the guy who jailed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's one of my most punctual face.

My dad, well, he got lost so that you would feel bad for him.

Man.

When Justice Hennessy ordered the hearing of the case, young Sparr

asked that immediate permission be given to evict his parents who occupied the first floor of his cottage.

Miss Sparr, his mother, a venerable woman, bent with age and supported by the kind arms of neighbors, was present to tell her story of filial ingratitude.

The sudden disappearance of her husband weighed heavily upon her, and her tears excited sympathy.

Awesome.

God, this is Danny.

I also,

you know what, though, you know what, though?

They're painting him as such a terrible son.

Obviously, what he's doing is terrible, terrible, but I'm just like,

were these parents absolutely brutal to this boy?

No, it does matter.

Come on, guys.

Just picture your dad again.

Of course, it matters.

Hey,

listen, just because him and his partner were not good at leapfrogging, they denied him and his lifestyle and his whole life.

And then

he got his revenge.

I'm sorry, you gotta love your son, no matter how he is.

You kick out your elderly parents for

you handle, you manage it.

Well, you put him in a basement.

That's managing.

Yeah, okay, sure.

Fine.

Put him in a basement.

Let him live.

So he wants him out of the basement now.

Yeah, no, that's the problem.

I get it.

All right.

Throw him in the basement like they're critters.

But

his basement is his leapfrog workout studio.

Like, you guys are, I mean, you're not reading between the lines here.

He needs space.

I can't bring a chick back with my parents downstairs being old.

I can't leapfrog in front of my parents.

You have a woman?

Is that a woman?

Jesus Christ, mom.

Shut up.

Okay, here we go.

Here we go.

Okay.

Young Sparr's story.

Charles Sparr told Justice Hennessy that during 26 months, no rent had been paid by his parents, though he repeatedly demanded $5 a month.

You live rent-free inside your mom for nine months, you little shit.

No, my mom charged me five bucks.

That'd be the best at the end.

All right, so I'm just going to need to collect on that, Matt.

I had to do print ads for really stupid products as a baby.

That's the only work you can get.

Baby gel from LA looks.

He said he was not able to keep up the lease and desired to have his father and mother evicted so he could move into their rooms and rent the upstairs apartments out.

Can you imagine, like, showing that when you were showing that apartment, like people being like,

how it would come up where you'd be like, yeah, this is actually, I used to live in here, but then I

threw my parents out.

My dad's missing, but now I'm going to move down there.

And then you guys are renting.

Well, I've got, first off, I don't want to work.

A, and it's hard after my headaches that I incur from my nights before the days in saloons.

So, and my tabs in all the saloons is very high.

So, I

add all that up.

I have to kick them out and then rent their space after

to cover my saloon bill.

I don't know if we have liquor listeners, but Justice Hennessy should be an ad campaigner.

Oh, I agree.

And like, everything he always like, like, every verdict is like, you probably want to have a little nip of Hennessy.

Yeah.

Justice Hennessy, figure it out.

A smooth Kodiak judge.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Miss Sparr made no attempt to

excite pity from the court or from her son.

She declared in a voice broken by sobbings and tears that instead of paying rent, she had repeatedly loaned her son money for which he would give her no credit.

Okay, what's going on there?

What's going on there?

Are you trying to make this sound like you're right still for kicking up because what's happening

why why is she loaning him money instead of paying rent she's asking for money back instead of paying rent pay the rent you old first of all you don't charge her rent you piece of you just don't do it okay you old you old money suck second no oh my god you are

that's crazy instead of

Instead of there being 115 due for the 26 months rent, 137 had been placed in the hands of her son by herself and her husband.

Young Sparr's display of ingratitude excited the wrath of Justice Hennessy.

That old woman is rich, announced the son, and I know for a fact that old woman.

This kid.

He's right, technically.

She is an old woman.

David, Dave, David's a human being.

He's being described.

Guyane is merely making an observation at the age of his mother, which she is.

She's old.

His speeches, though crude, crude truths, Your Honor.

I

have reached a verdict.

Everyone needs to have a delicious nip of everyone's favorite cognac.

That old woman is rich, and I know for a fact that she has given plenty of her money to her other children.

She won't let me have any, though she is willing to sponge on me.

There's something going on here.

Sibling rivalry.

There it is.

Sibling rivalry.

yeah, not the favorite.

Why would he be?

Yep, yep, yep, enough,

yeah,

he's like Don Jr.

Enough of this, ordered the court.

As the elder Sparr is not here, I will continue the case till Monday.

Uh, Charles Sparr expressed great impatience over the delay.

After Monday, I am satisfied, he said as he left, that I will not be imposed upon.

Uh, and then Henry Sparr, the father, was last seen Friday night after an altercation with his son.

The old man was worked up to a great pitch over the latter's conduct as his landlord and left the premises without informing his wife.

Neighbors declare that he was wandering about Laughlin Street far into the night, but left no trace of his whereabouts in the morning.

I mean, can you imagine going to court after that and being like, fuck my dad?

Yes.

Well, and being, I think,

this is so close time-wise to like the Wild West that I think people still got fucking froggy with a judge.

Like, I can't imagine

a case that I want to win and being like, I'll wait till Monday, but what the fuck, dude?

And like running out of the court and then wandering around in the streets all night.

Your dad's MIA, your mom's weeping with her terrible posture.

They took a horse-drawn carriage.

They couldn't afford to get to court.

Like,

can't get home.

Your Honor, I want an Arby be it.

You're wandering the streets.

Yeah.

Wandering the streets, just nipping from a flask of something horrendous.

Like, why is he wandering the streets?

And no one knows where he was.

Because he's an old son of a bitch.

From appearances, it would seem that the basement was never intended for occupancy in spite of the fact that a man of 75 and his wife of 68 have made it their dwelling for over two years.

Think of being a man at age 75 in 1897.

You're 100 years old.

You don't have to be a man.

You're a hundred-year-old man.

You're missing all your teeth and at least one foot.

Like no one's a bad man.

But you've been living in a basement and like dying and your son's like, get the fuck out of here.

You're in his banker.

He's in a stone basement.

Yeah, in this ground, the ground is where rats are your friends.

Bring in some fucking money.

You know what I mean?

David.

You can be down there canning pickles and selling them.

You're not doing shit.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ.

You know what?

This is my dream.

If I could do one thing, it would be reanimate your father, and I'd want to watch you two fight on a YouTube live.

Just bring your dad back to life just so he could fucking box you.

If

you could just cut to an AI commercial right then, that would just be such a

such a home run.

It's funny you bring that up, Gareth, because that can be cheap and something you could enjoy.

Bring your dad back for fights.

Ancestry.com has a tier level to pay monthly.

The final argument we had was

he didn't think solar power was real.

Look, I'm not, I'm not, I'm defending your dad's right.

I'm defending your dad's right to have that opinion.

I'm not agreeing.

Henry Sparr is described by neighbors as feeble in the extreme and unable to work.

Bam!

I told you.

What do you think?

He's a fucking freak.

Don't charge him rent.

Well, then sell a body part.

This guy.

I didn't believe in solar tech.

Okay.

He looks like he runs solar panels.

From a scale of one to 10, tell the audience how red his head is.

Well,

I don't agree with you.

Ten be

Tell the audience.

Hold on.

Allow me to contextualize it a little bit.

The only reason why I can't give him a 10 is because a couple spots are super red.

So I'll go nine as an overall red, and three spots are off the charts 10 red.

And but by the way, he's right under a light.

He's right under a light.

Should head.

A gas

light.

Are they supposed to be red naturally?

Is a head supposed to be red?

I will say there's some delicious irony in a man whose head looks like it's the sun fighting against solar.

Sure.

And no,

that picture was taken in the middle of winter.

It's not, there's no sun that can burn him.

That's just his natural color.

Hey, hey, hey.

Wow.

The guy.

I love people like that.

Yeah.

I mean, by the way, if we've ever seen a guy whose name actually should be Justice Hennessy, it is this man.

that's my daddy oh here we go

so for that that was his uh induction ceremony and he invited us up and

i went

i think i i think i may just started dating heather and brought her and he did my dad's like i got i got a place for you i don't worry about staying and we go into this hotel and it is like, I mean, it's up in like Big Bear or something, but it's like,

how did you find a hotel this bad?

Let alone Big Bear, but anywhere.

Like it was the most run-down,

disgusting.

Like then we had to go find another place and like a better place.

But like that, that ceremony to me is just all I can think of is just me going into that hotel and going, wow, look at all the bugs.

Well, at least he didn't make you just wander the streets after you wanted to find a new hotel.

And Big Bear explains a lot, too, especially with the redness.

I think the area of Big Bear, you know, like what they just, they figured out that Wisconsin is the most per capita drinking of the entire country.

Basically, I think Big Bear is California's answer.

I mean, I've never, like, you go out to eat in every other table.

Everyone is just smashed.

It's the altitude, but still.

Dave's dad was a great energy.

They're not getting ripped in Denver.

Dave's dad was a great energy.

He was great to be around.

He was a legend.

And yeah, he had a drinking problem, but he also had a drinking solution.

And I miss him all the time.

And I'll tell you what,

when I gave the eulogy at his funeral, there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Or glass.

Or glass.

Deprived of means to scratch.

Terry Ottman was fined for peculiar assault and battery.

A boy who was annoying him and whom he caught scratched him in the face.

Thereby, Ottoman forcibly trimmed his fingernails.

This was the assault and battery.

Oh my God.

The forcible trimming of a boy's nails after he scratched you.

That's so gross.

That is crazy.

And this is how you deal with it.

You are such.

You're just on your end.

You're just deciding you're going to be the antagonist today.

You guys,

I see how this works.

The only person heard in this story, but let me just say this.

How do you forcibly cut nails?

I do it to my cat.

I sit on him.

I don't know.

Are you holding the...

Yeah.

You trim your own cat's nails.

You don't take her

them to a specialist or anything?

Thank you.

He is a doctor.

Wow.

No, I do him.

I do him.

Good for you.

Does he

scream?

Does he make it scream?

No.

Does he?

He gets it.

No.

But we did have a fight last night.

Last night with it.

Gareth.

Yeah, Gareth's an abuse victim in the domestic abuse situation.

Stop fighting.

Why do that, dude?

Why did that happen?

He was irritated for how long you and I took recording some of our stuff.

He didn't like that.

Scratched you in the face.

And so you trim the nails.

I recorded, I did a thing right before.

So it was about two hours I'd basically been sitting here and he wanted to hang out.

And then he

was irritated.

And I could tell that I was about to get attacked.

I was attacked.

I fought back mightily.

And, but he, he's, he's, he don't fuck around.

He's a good boy.

100%.

You just described an abusive situation.

From an outsider, sure, but you don't get, yeah, because you don't understand anything.

You don't understand this.

You just want to have power over the person you're in a relationship with.

We have a lot of people.

domestic abuse situation, and you guys need TikTok talks, and you're doing it.

I'm calling.

I'm calling it.

You're not pulling out on having Dave on your show, Matt.

You're a having a mom.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, he's doing it.

Now you're like the drunk couple in Big Bear at the table next to me and going, You heard what he said, right?

You heard it.

What did you think?

What do you think?

Was I right or wrong?

Was I right or wrong?

Was I right or wrong?

Come on, fucker.

Are you going to be in this restaurant or not?

When we go back to the hotel, the leapfrogging.

leapfrogging

you know it is you know if you get in a fight with your leapfrog partner and later the leapfrogging is great the

makeup leapfrogging i tell you what that is

good

nothing like it

victim of the x-ray

these are all noir or sci-fi movie titles from the 50s.

I completely agree.

They've got the Reefer Madness logo.

It's very victim of the X-ray.

Victim of the X-ray.

Miss Josie McDonald of 9 West 44th Street had a strange

thing.

It went on until the 70s.

You got to find her.

It's important to find her.

Hey, are you the victim of the X-ray?

Yes.

Please.

Respect my privacy at this time.

I read about you.

I read about you.

I thought you looked really, you sounded pretty.

Oh, no.

I don't think I've been clear.

I'm looking to have sex.

I know it's midnight.

I work late.

Oh, my God.

Man,

my shorts are tight.

I had a weird thing to say to a lady at midnight.

You have excited my arousal, madame.

I mean, they were probably just, it's probably like gun violence, too, where it was like, you know, women were getting like accosted at their homes, and an editor was like, I wish there was something we could do about it, but the address is so important to these.

It's more important than what was in the dream, how they solved his non-speech of nine years.

Yes.

The address.

Address, address, address.

Yes.

That's all we need for the story.

Yes.

Her pitable condition is evidence of their terrible power.

Miss McDonald had some teeth drawn and a violent pain in the jaw followed, which the dentist could not account for.

Well, you took her teeth out.

We're all a bit baffled.

We don't have any clue what this could be.

We don't know what happened.

The thing we shouldn't be doing is finger pointing.

Okay.

He took her to a laboratory where a photograph of her jaw was taken by the rays, the sitting lasting 10 minutes.

This photograph was somewhat

10 minutes of x-rays.

No.

This photograph was somewhat blurred.

The sound.

Oh, my God.

If

she's that quiet.

The photograph was somewhat blurred, and a second was taken.

The exposure of her cheek to the rays lasting 15 minutes.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, God.

The effect was soon

after evident in the unnatural redness of the cheek and bloodshot eyes.

Oh, my God.

That's so much radiation.

And the next day, the pain was so intense as to make her hysterical.

The face, too, was almost black and her hair began to fall out.

Well, he fucking...

Jesus Christ.

You fucking radiated her.

You put her in a little Chernobyl.

Like, what the fuck?

Oh, my God.

I mean, the next day, when she comes back and she just looks like a cartoon with no hair and is just charred.

This is the attack of the x-ray.

She comes back and she's disfigured, but she has phenomenal powers.

Yeah,

she grabs him and withers him.

You know, the dentist tries to not seem culpable when she shows up.

What did you do last night?

15 seconds.

it was seconds not minutes that

I'm so sorry okay all right play it cool I think either way

it's terrible he fucking cooked her he cooked her

15 minutes but 25 total right yeah total 25 a cube of 25 she said they're just getting fucking baked poor woman she just got x-ray baked

and this first one's a little blurry, so we're going to let you sit an extra five on this round, hun.

Oh, my God.

Her family physician, Dr.

Griswold, who was called, says the extent of the blistering is most remarkable.

It runs down the neck, shoulder, and arm, and that rays burn through the linen of her high collar.

The discoloration is still very marked, and the doctor cannot say whether the hair will grow again.

All of it on one side of her head has completely fallen off.

I mean, this, she, you, Chernobyl, is right.

This is Minnie Chernobyl.

She does.

Yes, she totally got Chernobyl, but

now that could be like, you might be able to pull that off as a hairstyle.

Like, you know, very.

Oh, wow.

Hello.

Doctor.

Don't be afraid to put my address in the newspaper.

Oh, my God.

Dr.

Jnergan, who took the photograph, says his operation was a very ordinary one, and he thinks there must have been something wrong with

McDonald's condition, which rendered her susceptible to the harm that lurks in the x-rays.

Yeah, did she fall in a fire overnight, maybe?

What did she dream?

Experiments have shown that some people are peculiarly liable to injury from unknown power contained in the rays.

You cooked her.

You fucking cooked her.

You cooked her.

You put put her,

you fucking put her in the microwave and hit dinner.

Oh, my God.

I mean, what in the fuck?

There's an illustration here.

I wonder if I can.

The illustration is like a very normal-looking young lady.

She doesn't have long hair.

She has shortish hair.

I mean,

look, it's not normal.

Oh, my God.

Even back.

Oh, Crikey.

And it really just is like half of her head.

Yeah, and she's trying to like

work with the hair situation, which is still long on one side and hanging down, and then the other side buys it.

I so want this to be like a like a dark

comic,

yes, like a really

superhero movie, yeah, you know,

where she's just going around frying gross dudes and stuff.

Unfortunately, Matt, she just passed away

just recently of edges.

Oh, gosh, yeah, she's just

a couple weeks ago.

Made it a long time.

Made it a long time.

No,

she hung in there considering she'd been killed by an x-ray.

Wow.

Wow.

Well, good for her.

I like how the doctor was like.

It's starting to make more and more sense why, whenever they do that, they go in the other room.

Because it's always like, I'm like, I thought we were in this together, but that fucking dental assistant jumped ship real fast.

Oh, no, they, yeah, no, it's they toss a little bit of lead on you and then they fucking bounce yeah yeah my god

yeah all right this is really safe by the way i'm gonna go into a lead closet while we do it for completely unrelated reasons i'm leaving the building okay so you stay here i'm gonna put this cannon right on your head and then i'm just gonna go back to another room that's been fortified okay i just i just see the guy smoking his third cigarette and going oh hold on

and running back into like you're doing like a boiling

or something you're like oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Isn't there any more people coming in?

Well, we just got to finish the one lady.

The one lady.

The one lady.

Oh, my God.

She's smoking.

You just hear.

Did you see the game last night?

Man, that game last night was just crazy.

Oh, my God.

The woman.

Who sees that?

Oh, fuck.

The lady.

Hey, man,

I think we have it.

Look, I like boxing, but these short ones that are just like 20 to 25 rounds, I don't know.

I like a hundred-round bounce.

Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

I mean, we went out.

We didn't do that much.

We just drank a barrel of ale and then fought each other naked in the streets and ate some horse poop.

You know, just kind of frogged.

And then I let my horse run over a hobo.

It was a really light.

The woman.

What woman?

Oh, my God.

That's what that noise was.

How do you think?

Can you find the problem with one of the teeth?

Oh, you know what?

We forgot.

The smell is why we remembered, but uh.

Did she touch the fact?

It's a part of my hair.

She's a Muppet.

Did she point to figure out what to figure out with my mouth?

This is the worst

new Muppet Community.

Sam, I understand you're upset, but my Power Bill is going to be insane this month.

When should I come back?

Look at it for my follow-up.

Oh, my God.

Have you seen this new Muppet, Burn Sally?

It's really.

My hair is gone on the left side.

Your speech is absolutely too clear in this impression.

I just have to figure out about it.

Go to the death in a cavity.

Did you fucking do talk to the dentist about a drill?

She's completely morphing into a very famous Muppet as it goes on.

What's melting in your head?

A very red muppet.

Photographs a spirit.

We're in the photograph section.

I think this is probably the last one, right, Dave?

Yeah.

Okay.

A departed little girl appears near her sister in a group of pictures.

I mean, you get it.

A short time ago, this is out of Michigan.

A short time ago, Miss McSherry,

a photographer at Hub Bartston, took a group of several ladies from Powamo, among them a little girl standing beside her mother, the only child in the group.

Great surprise.

Great was the surprise of the photographer when the camera disclosed a second little girl standing beside the mother with a hand laid on the little sister.

The apparition was a sister of the little girl who had been dead a short time.

Now,

there's a picture that shows this

I can tell that there is by the way that your face is.

No, there's no picture.

There's no picture.

They're not going to show it.

The new Kodak dead sibling.

Finally, a camera that captures that trauma in a person.

Now,

does this just see dead siblings?

Or can I see like a dead uncle?

Or is it just for the family?

We haven't perfected that technology yet.

So there's no dead uncle camera?

This model is just dead children.

Sorry.

This is just dead children, dead siblings.

Okay.

And can I just, can I like take a picture of a field and nobody else and then my dead eyes

will be there a lot of children have died in fields yeah you're probably you're gonna be real freaked out when you do that you're gonna see it what looks like recess it's a field

fields are just don't do fields or rivers or lakes it's gonna be total night okay i'm stick to alleys random streets you'll see one or two A house, maybe a house where she passed or he passed, something like that.

Because their eyes are haunting.

Oh, it's hard to put the phrase.

But it's, I mean, when you look in one or two, you're like,

you know, give a depressed day, a field.

Yeah.

It's going to, you're going to be weeks.

I'm in somebody in the picture, too.

Oh, ma'am.

I thought when you laid down, you had expired.

I thought you passed away.

I'm inside of the photo.

The crazy thing is, people always wanted to know.

People always want to know the origin story of Elmo, and this is how Elmo came to be.

It's an x-ray.

Oh, my god, you fried all her hair off.

Elmo's been a tiny woman all this time.

It's like a quad of orphan.

Yeah, like the hair's gone, no teeth.

Clearly, four guys.

Elmo's a tiny woman.

No, I said, did you tell you about where I came from?

She's a tiny mad woman

waiting to announce.

I had teeth problems.

Oh, God.

Elmira?

That's the horror movie right there.

It's called Elmira.

You know her as Elmira.

She once was a lovely young woman.

Cooked red.

Oh, Matt.

Well, Matt, thank you for joining us on the past time.

Thank you for having me.

I'm sorry.

I'm so technical BS.

No, you're fine.

Well, there was a real punch back.

We'll frame it as that.

But tank top talks.

People can listen wherever they get their podcast.

Dave will be doing it shortly.

Yeah, Garrett's coming on, too.

I'm coming on.

We'll fight Dave on it.

And

thank you for joining us, Matt.

You're the best.

You guys are out.

Thanks for all the fun.

Some of these days,

you'll miss me, honey.

Some of these days.