149 - The Past Times with Matt Cobos

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Speaker 7 All right, Holy shit. All right.
Look, welcome. We're not even going to bother.
Welcome to the pastimes.

Speaker 5 We're pissed. It is a podcast.

Speaker 7 You know what we do here. Each week we go through a newspaper from a random date in history, picked out by some asshole named Dave Anthony.

Speaker 7 I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it, and neither has this week's guest, who's not an asshole, Matt Kobos.

Speaker 5 Hi, Matt. Hell yeah.
What's up, dude? How are you, buddy? So you're not an asshole. No, he's a pshaw.
I mean, I don't think so, but I guess we're about to find out. You're a nice guy,

Speaker 5 Colorado, yeah, man. Yeah, how's it going in Denver? Yeah, dude, it's great, man.
It's great, yeah, dude.

Speaker 7 Uh, Matt, where uh, where can people find your tour dates? Uh, talk about your podcast and your hair.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I mean, how could I not? Yeah, dude. Uh, I mean, uh,

Speaker 5 uh, yeah, I got my tour dates on Mattkobos.com and I have a podcast. C-O-O-S.

Speaker 5 Yep, C-O-B-O-S.

Speaker 5 And I've got

Speaker 5 my tour dates, I mean, a podcast called Cobos Patrick Podcast. It's super fun.
Me and my buddy just riff real hard, and that's about it. Hard riffing.
Hard riffing. Hard living hard riffing.

Speaker 7 Should have been called hard riffing. Now, Matt, in the camera you see of us, are you just looking at our shoes?

Speaker 5 No, I see your full body. I see the totality of you.

Speaker 7 And your thoughts on our bodies?

Speaker 5 Pretty white. Yeah, very good.

Speaker 5 Yeah, okay. Thank you.

Speaker 7 Well, Matt, we're going to go through a

Speaker 5 Jack White level white, or would you say you can't get whiter than Jack White? Maybe if we combined you. Maybe if we combined you.

Speaker 7 Yeah, no. Jack White's a legal vampire.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Now, Matt, we're going to guess what year this paper will be from. You get to guess first.
It's not... even for any other reason than

Speaker 7 it's Dave will bring terrible energy to this portion of the show that was just meant to be fun.

Speaker 5 Is that what do you think you're doing right now?

Speaker 7 And you will win, but it will not be based on whether you get it right or not.

Speaker 5 But why don't you go ahead and

Speaker 5 do you think what you used to was good at?

Speaker 7 Why don't you just go ahead and guess what year you think this paper will be?

Speaker 5 Man, you're a sour puppy.

Speaker 7 Just guess whatever year you want.

Speaker 5 It's got to be a pretty goofy time period, so it's got to be early 1900s, late 1800s, right? So I'm going to guess, I'm going to go like 1905.

Speaker 5 Great guess.

Speaker 7 Great guess. I'll do a...

Speaker 5 Good guess.

Speaker 7 I'll do a, I'm going to do a 1916.

Speaker 5 Ooh, I like that. Matt wins 1925.

Speaker 7 Well, it feels like I was technically closer, but

Speaker 5 hell yeah, I knew I was going to win. So you win Gareth's car.
Wow.

Speaker 5 I didn't realize I was.

Speaker 5 There was a lot on the line. Shit sticks, dude.

Speaker 7 And I still was cheated.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Well, I wouldn't say cheated.
You lost. Okay.
Fair and square. All right.
I don't even have a license, so that's pretty sick, dude. I finally have a car, but no.

Speaker 7 I mean, why not? We should probably just let me keep the car.

Speaker 5 I think that's true. But I got to say, in Trump's America, you don't need a license to drive.
Oh, that's true. That's true.
Okay.

Speaker 7 I'm going to let's do this off air because this prize stuff, I think even the game shows normally keep a little off air. There's a conversation.

Speaker 7 So let's do that because I think there's a couple things here that are working in my favor to keeping the car.

Speaker 5 It's an electric vehicle. Yeah, right.

Speaker 7 oh nice well that that in trump's america that's going to get pulled over more for sure yeah but i still nice matt i'm going to need you to respect the rules of the the game here a little bit not just go to dave's side because he's luring you with a beautiful electric car congrats on the car buddy nope yeah yeah thanks

Speaker 5 nope

Speaker 5 i can't wait to see what someone wins next week And it's your first car, right? Have you owned a car before?

Speaker 5 I've owned one, but I haven't owned one in about 15 years. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 7 Well, let's just do the let's do the premise.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Let's just do the premise of the show.
Now you don't have a car.

Speaker 7 Nah, again, I really feel I feel very strongly that

Speaker 7 I'm going to push a lot on keeping what I came here with. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Okay. I mean, it's weird to reneg live on air, but whatever.
Nope.

Speaker 5 It's April 8th, 1925, the Detroit Free Press, which it says here is Michigan's greatest newspaper.

Speaker 7 Would you counter that?

Speaker 5 I don't know if that's only one I know of. Like, it sounds like bullshit, but

Speaker 5 it's braggy. You know, it is.

Speaker 7 But that's what they do. That's not as bad as democracy dies in darkness.

Speaker 5 It does. Yeah.
Well, it's the best free one. It's not the best paid.

Speaker 7 Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 5 There it is. Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 7 That'd be great to be like, Michigan's most expensive paper.

Speaker 5 Totally. Oh, I love that.
You can't really call it the free press because then people are like, well, can I just have it? And they're like, no, it's 25 cents.

Speaker 5 He's like, what's the free your honor in my defense

Speaker 5 yeah

Speaker 5 they were free they were free

Speaker 5 by free your honor we meant like free speech like the free press that's what we were

Speaker 5 that was the title that was the idea behind the title he has a point

Speaker 5 i'm gonna i'm gonna go a thousand on the freeway in my car freeway i mean i really don't i'm not understanding the limits. No, I'm going 1,000 on the freeway in your car, dude.
For sure. Yeah.

Speaker 5 No. Yeah.
No. He's right.
No.

Speaker 7 He's right. That's it.
I'm hosting his podcast. No, I'm keeping my car.

Speaker 5 By the way, it comes with everything that's inside of it.

Speaker 7 That is not true.

Speaker 5 I'm taking my Dracula cape. Whatever's in there.
I'm taking the Dracula cape. Trey, you got a Dracula cape? No, you don't.
Awesome.

Speaker 5 Yeah, there's probably some clothes, maybe some extra shoes in there. Definitely clothes.
Definitely shoes. Dragon shoes, yeah.

Speaker 5 It's good. Some coins, probably.

Speaker 5 Okay, it's definitely coins.

Speaker 5 Jazz Slayer hurls glass in courtroom. Jazz Slayer? Hell yeah.
Jazz Slayer. Hell yeah.
No way. How is that not a band?

Speaker 7 Jazz Slayer.

Speaker 5 Oh, my God.

Speaker 5 A hardcore jazz band.

Speaker 7 Oh, well, the Slayer's just doing Slayer cover, too.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Brain and Blood in Jazz Slayer.
Yeah, that's not a total, dude.

Speaker 5 That would be fucking awesome.

Speaker 5 That would be Slayer on more drugs. That's that class.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Slayer went so heavy, their jazz.

Speaker 5 They fell off the spectrum of music.

Speaker 5 Halt's trial with hysterical attack on lawyers scores talk of delusion. Well,

Speaker 5 this has happened in San Francisco with a wild hysterical outburst this afternoon. Dorothy Ellingson, so close to Ellington, Ellingson, 17-year-old mattresside.

Speaker 7 Mattresside.

Speaker 5 What the?

Speaker 7 That's when you murder a bunch of mattresses.

Speaker 5 Yeah, you're a mattress killer. Yeah.
Yeah, dude. Yeah, it's hard to get a job at another mattress killer.

Speaker 7 Although, a lot of people I know are saying that it's not a mattresside.

Speaker 5 That it's

Speaker 7 just a spring cleansing.

Speaker 5 that's fair

Speaker 5 i was worried she might be a hooker yeah

Speaker 5 uh hurled a glass of water upon her attorney and temporarily halted the progress of her trial for sanity you can throw water on someone and be sane i also like i would be i like i just that would be the best time for a judge to be like hold on i want to see where this goes yeah

Speaker 5 Yeah. Have you ever thrown a glass of water at someone or just like, you know, thrown water on them?

Speaker 7 I've definitely thrown water on someone.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Yeah.
Have you ever poured a beer over someone's head?

Speaker 7 I've poured a beer on my head and other people's heads.

Speaker 5 Did you ever pour a beer over someone's head who was really opposed to having a beer poured on them? No.

Speaker 5 Trust me.

Speaker 5 It's one of the greatest moments of your life.

Speaker 7 For you, Matt, thoughts?

Speaker 5 Yeah, I mean, you pour a beer on your attorney's head in a courtroom. Now we're fucking talking.

Speaker 5 Like, if I was in the jury, I'd be like, fuck yeah, this guy didn't do shit.

Speaker 5 Hell yeah.

Speaker 5 And you know the judge probably hates these attorneys. So when that happened, he was probably like, you know what? You're right.
Steve's a fucking dickhead. Yeah.
Fuck you, Steve.

Speaker 5 Dude.

Speaker 5 You can't say those things about me. She cried hysterically and burst into tears.

Speaker 5 All right. Well, it doesn't like what her lawyer's saying.
So you got to throw.

Speaker 5 It's your lawyer. Yeah, but you got to stop him somehow.
It's so great for your lawyer to be.

Speaker 7 your lawyer's that. Your honor, look, he's obviously a huge piece of shit.

Speaker 7 Nobody here wants to be involved with this man in any way.

Speaker 7 Good lord, I was behind closed doors with him.

Speaker 5 Your honor, my fat client did nothing. Your honor, this man is far too fat to have done anything like this.
You kidding me? Look at this, Porter. Unbelievable.
Your honor!

Speaker 5 He barely got in here. I'm not, I'm barely heavy, sir.
The defense attorney.

Speaker 7 you're not a police, please, please stop this.

Speaker 5 Objection, aren't we rethinking the fat spectrum anyway?

Speaker 7 More like slob objection. I mean, look at this guy, he can't even tuck a shirt in.
He's got marinara stains on his tie.

Speaker 5 Uh, well, wait till I get on the stand, she cried. I'll tell them the truth about these things.

Speaker 5 The outburst came during the cross-examination of Dr. Edward Twitchell, state alienist.

Speaker 7 That's right.

Speaker 5 All right. There's a lot going on there.
I don't want my alien twitching, first of all.

Speaker 5 An alienist is

Speaker 5 someone who. But I think he's like a forensic guy.

Speaker 7 I study the fingernails of aliens.

Speaker 5 There's a really good book, The Alienist.

Speaker 5 Wasn't there a TV show, The Alien?

Speaker 7 Yeah, The Alienist, absolutely.

Speaker 5 And of course, that's all that comes up when you try to look for.

Speaker 7 There was a real show called The Alienist.

Speaker 5 Oh, yeah. It was on for a while.

Speaker 5 To study, understand, care for, and assist patients in overcoming their mental alienation or illness.

Speaker 5 So

Speaker 5 pre-shrink. Yeah, The Alienist was on for two seasons.
I think it was CBS. Of course.
A psychological thriller set amidst the vast wealth, extreme poverty of 1896 New York.

Speaker 5 And he would find the aliens.

Speaker 7 A hunter.

Speaker 5 There were so many aliens in New York in the late 1800s. Like, it was crazy.
Just

Speaker 5 a lot of interplanetary. Sure.

Speaker 5 So, defense counsel Sylvester.

Speaker 5 No one should be named Sylvester. That was a good time.

Speaker 5 Sylvester McIntyre had been asking the witness hypothetical questions in which he enumerated alleged characteristics of Dorothy.

Speaker 5 Well, you can't ask hypothetical questions. Like, you can't make it.

Speaker 7 Sure, you can.

Speaker 7 Your Honor, I will now be doing a Would You Rather?

Speaker 5 Would you rather have Dorothy's big ears or a misshapen nose?

Speaker 7 Would you rather fuck your brother or marry your father?

Speaker 5 Jesus Christ. What are we doing? Hold on.
Well, then, why do we have an alienist here, Your Honor?

Speaker 7 CBS Thursdays.

Speaker 5 He was in the midst of a hypothetical question in which he asked the witness if he would consider apparent delusions as to the truthfulness of statements made regarding the defendant as evidence of insanity.

Speaker 5 Apparent delusions as to the truthfulness of statements. Yep.
Okay.

Speaker 5 girl oh she was she was held by the bailiff with a sudden motion the

Speaker 5 titian haired the titian haired yep yep titian titan nippolan titane titane t-i-t-i-a-n titane tysian titian titian what is that i don't know No idea.

Speaker 7 I just love figuring out pronunciations.

Speaker 5 Why do we have this guy if he's not an expert? Tatian.

Speaker 7 Yep, Matt. I thought you were the hair guy.

Speaker 5 Well,

Speaker 5 some sick gazongas is what I'm getting from this.

Speaker 5 Tyshin.

Speaker 7 Tatian.

Speaker 5 Titian.

Speaker 5 Titian?

Speaker 5 How are you spelling it? T-I-T-I-A-N.

Speaker 5 I don't think that's a thing I've ever heard.

Speaker 7 Tyshian hair refers to short red dish, brown, or brownish-orange hair.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 5 Hey.

Speaker 5 Yeah. That's you.
Yeah. You freak.

Speaker 5 I'm a titian. The last episode we had, I've got Titian hair.
Ginger also.

Speaker 5 Pretty good people. Okay.
Probably a lot of them back in the day. Yeah.
The Titian hair young defendant seized a receptacle containing water. So it's a glass.

Speaker 5 Well, technically. But we don't have to call it a receptacle.
It's a glass.

Speaker 7 Yeah, what is with this person who's just like Titian hair? A receptacle of water.

Speaker 5 I found my thesaurus. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Like,

Speaker 5 there's no,

Speaker 5 it could be a bowl. Like, why would there be a bowl of water in the courtroom? Yeah.
Oh, that'd be great. It sounded like they were ripping on her appearance pretty good.

Speaker 5 Maybe they gave her a dog bowl. Yeah, maybe.

Speaker 5 I might go bowl exclusive for liquids now, by the way.

Speaker 5 This is a really mean attorney. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 And hurled it upon Alexander Morin, chief defense counsel, sitting next to her.

Speaker 7 Matt, did you just have a sip from a receptacle of water?

Speaker 5 Yes, I did. Interesting, too.

Speaker 5 Thank you, my tissue and friend.

Speaker 7 You're welcome, my friend.

Speaker 5 Sitting next to her, and Sylvester McAtee sitting at the end of the table. She had an angry flame in her face.

Speaker 5 Well, that's problematic. Yep.

Speaker 5 The courtroom was thrown into confusion, and attendants rushed to the side of the girl. You must keep still, the bailiff told her sternly.

Speaker 5 She knocked over a bottle of smelling salts.

Speaker 7 A receptacle of smelling salts.

Speaker 5 It's fine. What in the fuck is happening? What?

Speaker 5 Come up up with some creative name for a bottle on this one?

Speaker 5 Why are there smelling salts? The vapors.

Speaker 7 Everyone gets the vapors.

Speaker 5 Just in case I get knocked out, Your Honor. Yeah, Rogans.

Speaker 7 Welcome to Rogan Court.

Speaker 5 Did you take a rip through it?

Speaker 5 Everybody pass it around, take a rip. We're going to do some neuro gummies.
All right.

Speaker 7 Come on, everyone.

Speaker 5 It's now time to hear from Jamie.

Speaker 7 Jamie's the judge.

Speaker 5 Did Jamie take the stand, please?

Speaker 7 You're Jamie. Is that true?

Speaker 5 Overruled.

Speaker 7 That was a fake video.

Speaker 5 Wow.

Speaker 5 She knocked over a bottle of smelling salts as she held the glass of water. Well, now it's a glass.

Speaker 7 Yeah, this is crazy.

Speaker 5 She had thrown the smelling salts instead of the oh, sorry, had she thrown the smelling salts instead of the water, she probably would have injured one of the men as the water landed upon their shoulders.

Speaker 5 Interesting. Well, if she had thrown the smelling salt, smelling salts would have landed on their shoulders.
That would have been great.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Then there was a lot of people. And everybody,

Speaker 5 everyone's like, whoa, yeah. All right, let's go.
Let's go. Let's try.

Speaker 5 All right. All right.
Leave it all out there today. Leave it all out there today.

Speaker 5 Come on. Your honor, I challenge the defendant to a push-up contest.
Fuck, yes, you do. Fuck, yes, you do.

Speaker 5 Tarps off, bros. Let's get it.

Speaker 5 Dorothy Ellison is sane, but a moral defective, in the opinion, of state alienists.

Speaker 7 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 7 She's fine, but the worst.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Ugh.

Speaker 5 I mean, she gets it, but

Speaker 7 she knows what she's doing, which makes it worse.

Speaker 5 Launching its battery of experts, the state today called Dr.

Speaker 5 Edward Twitchell, head of the city psychopathic ward, who declared he had been unable to find any evidence of hypoprenic dementia precox in the youthful matricide.

Speaker 7 Yes, medically speaking, she has no predeterminant hyperconic.

Speaker 5 Wait, what was it again?

Speaker 7 She has no predeterminations in the hyperconcentralone

Speaker 7 of

Speaker 7 mastomolaceous

Speaker 7 with a bit of

Speaker 7 temptancetine.

Speaker 5 Now, sir, are you making up words as you go

Speaker 7 on?

Speaker 7 What I'm doing is

Speaker 7 a bit of improvenance of the conceptualanding

Speaker 7 of a

Speaker 5 yeah. Yeah, you are.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 Well, the court agrees.

Speaker 7 Yep. Thank you.
Jamie, bring that up, would you please?

Speaker 5 It almost sounds like they need to call this article women. Am I right? Yeah, it's a woman, right?

Speaker 5 They're like, she doesn't have any medical problems, but she's kind of a bitch, right? Yeah.

Speaker 7 Well, Matt, you'll find as we go through a lot of these papers,

Speaker 7 women are judged less on the content of their character and more on eye type, lip shape, and bust size.

Speaker 5 Yeah, the prevailing.

Speaker 7 It's not wrong for a paper in this time to just be like,

Speaker 7 Gladys reputin, huge knockers, nice lips, eyes, kind of a problem.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Also, here's her address.

Speaker 5 Did she do it? Take a look at it.

Speaker 7 They'd also always just be like, by the way, she lives there.

Speaker 7 If any of you like the sound of that description, that's her house.

Speaker 5 Crime her.

Speaker 5 Jamie, pull up her address.

Speaker 7 Jamie, get her address up here.

Speaker 5 Defense experts had so

Speaker 5 diagnosed her mental condition. So she killed her mom, so they're already like.

Speaker 7 It's a strike.

Speaker 5 Yeah, they're coming.

Speaker 7 I think it's safe to say from all of us here at the pastimes, that's a knock.

Speaker 5 We don't love that.

Speaker 7 But her mother was nothing more than a receptacle for organs and blood.

Speaker 5 Thank you. You know? Who lived at 149.

Speaker 7 Who's buried right over there?

Speaker 5 Defense experts

Speaker 5 had so diagnosed her mental condition. He followed Dr.
Lloyd Bryant, an x-ray expert, who declared I'm able to see through my patients. There was nothing abnormal about x-ray pictures of Dorothy.

Speaker 7 Well, I've x-rayed her and no broken bones. So, whatever's going on with her is based on something different.

Speaker 5 Your Honor, I thought we would see a spider or some kind of demon inside.

Speaker 7 I'll also point out, Your Honor, I checked her mouth regular.

Speaker 5 You checked it regular?

Speaker 7 I checked her mouth

Speaker 5 regularly. It was regular.

Speaker 7 It was regular, but I'm doing a lot of check-ins. I'm checking her mouth often, and everything's fine.

Speaker 5 Regular.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 So, no demons.

Speaker 7 No demons, no beetles, nothing.

Speaker 5 He denied that a closed

Speaker 5 cellitertia present in Dorothy's skull was ever

Speaker 5 mental disease.

Speaker 5 I mean, you shouldn't have to look at words so much. Yeah, well, maybe you should be smarter.

Speaker 5 Yeah, well, I mean,

Speaker 5 we're not smarter. Yeah, I struggle with today's words.
Yeah. You know, fucking 1905 words.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I'm going nuts. 1915, whatever it was.

Speaker 7 25.

Speaker 5 You'll get there. Whatever.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Not so good with numbers either.

Speaker 7 Yeah, I'm not a big numbers guy.

Speaker 5 Yeah,

Speaker 5 it appears not to be a thing. So it's not even a word.
It does not appear to be a thing.

Speaker 7 It's awesome. See, that's what I like.

Speaker 5 This is just like

Speaker 7 some guy just was like, what are they going to do? Google? It's 1925.

Speaker 5 I'm going to go in there and chat like I'm Dr. Freaking Seuss.
Yeah. His editor is like, make it up.
I don't give a shit.

Speaker 7 Yeah, it would be great to just, yeah, back then and have no check on that.

Speaker 5 Yeah,

Speaker 5 the search engine here was like, did you mean criterion yes nope i meant silaturtia well

Speaker 5 the fbi knocks at the door maybe they spelled it wrong and it's an with an s

Speaker 5 either way it's bullshit it's a bullshit term and everybody's a liar good

Speaker 5 nope uh terentia was the wife of the orator marcus

Speaker 5 cicero i don't think it's that one

Speaker 5 uh all right next story cobbler seeks wife's arrest Yep. Okay.
I'm on the cobbler's side. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah. I mean, the guy makes shoes.

Speaker 5 I thought it was going to be like a dessert. It was like, my wife.
Oh, that kind of cobbler. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Oh, yeah, yeah, dude. Yeah.
He's just made of peaches and shit. Yeah.

Speaker 7 That woman over there. Now, hold on.
Let's listen to the cobbler.

Speaker 5 Russia Jap war vet charges assault in warrant. Okay.

Speaker 5 All right. We'll just move past that.
And move on.

Speaker 5 Harry Rotman, 42 years old, crippled and a veteran of the Russian-Japanese war, Tuesday secured a warrant for the arrest of his wife, Celia, 42.

Speaker 7 I can't get over how we just started talking about it, but

Speaker 7 the way they always put some sort of descriptor after the name always feels like a Trump tweet.

Speaker 5 It does.

Speaker 7 Read that again.

Speaker 5 Harry Rotman, 42 years old, crippled and a veteran of the Russian.

Speaker 7 Harry Harry Rotman, crippled and a veteran.

Speaker 5 For sure. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Made shoes, great shoes. His wife hated him.
Yeah, right. Yeah.

Speaker 7 Rosie O'Donnell, dog talk show host.

Speaker 5 Terrible shoes. Terrible shoes.
Terrible shoes.

Speaker 5 She was charged with assault and battery. Rotman, who is a cobbler

Speaker 5 and lives at 1624 Division Street,

Speaker 5 said he was granted a divorce from his wife by Judge Theodore Richer three weeks ago.

Speaker 7 Man, it's got awesome how hard it used to be to get divorced.

Speaker 5 Yeah, seriously.

Speaker 7 Like, I mean, you gotta, like, as someone who's attended weddings, I it should be harder to get out of it.

Speaker 7 Yeah, I want people to really be like, before you fly to Mexico, let's really make sure that this is 100%. And if not, I do like the idea of a judge having to be like, nah, you got to stay married.

Speaker 5 Yeah, dude. Nah.
Nah, I kind of like what's going on here. Nah, figure it out.

Speaker 5 What? Nah. Nah.
Who am I? I'm Frank. Nah.
Yeah, honestly, you guys are too fun together. Look at that.

Speaker 7 I mean, look, honestly, would you just kiss?

Speaker 7 I sent you to kissing each other right now for like 30 minutes. Lay there.
I want you guys to lay down on the table and do petting and kissing.

Speaker 5 Heavy petting. Heavy petting.
I want to see like real. I want to see like real getting into it.
Like you guys,

Speaker 5 let's see what's still in there. You know what I mean?

Speaker 5 You're just hearing the judge go, nice, nice, nice, nice. Hey, rubber's dick.
Nice. The stenographer's getting all this stuff.

Speaker 7 Has the jury reached a position? We have, Your Honor. The jury thinks they should do reverse cowgirl.
They don't like looking at each other, but we still think they should be doing it.

Speaker 5 Secret couple.

Speaker 7 Secret couple.

Speaker 5 The specification of the decree,

Speaker 5 he said, was that he should be allowed to have a room and bath privileges in his house after the divorce.

Speaker 7 He should be allowed to have room and bath privileges.

Speaker 7 As much as I'm leaving her, I still want to be able to use the bath.

Speaker 5 Yeah, so here's the even though I don't live here anymore.

Speaker 7 I don't live here, but whatever I want, I can come in and bath. Come in and wash.

Speaker 5 How are you?

Speaker 5 Hey,

Speaker 5 ex-wife. Like just

Speaker 7 explaining to your new suitor. Who was that so

Speaker 7 the judge in my divorce was kind of crazy and

Speaker 7 so he's allowed to come here and just take baths whenever he wants but other than that i'm completely unfettered you want to hear an awesome story yeah

Speaker 5 go on a date with this girl hook up go back to her place yeah this is an awesome story come out of the room A couple hours later, maybe four. You know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, you nad.

Speaker 5 Come out of the room, and there's a dude on the couch, and he looks at me and starts crying.

Speaker 5 And you go back in the room, and I go, There's a guy on the couch, and she goes, Yeah, we broke up

Speaker 5 and he doesn't have any place to live. And I'm just like,

Speaker 5 Why would you bring him here?

Speaker 5 That's fucking insane.

Speaker 5 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 5 You give him some tissue, you're like, You need some tissue? Sorry, that one's used. That one's used, my bad.
Here's it.

Speaker 7 Just come out and be like, So she said I should bang you to make it equal?

Speaker 5 Is that crazy?

Speaker 5 I don't know.

Speaker 5 Hey, I talked to this judge. He says you and I should be together.
I guess.

Speaker 7 So I went to court, and apparently I got to bang both of you because of this judge.

Speaker 5 All right.

Speaker 7 Now, the guy that you banged, he's got to bang him too.

Speaker 5 Your honor. No, no, no.

Speaker 7 Come on.

Speaker 5 Figure it out.

Speaker 5 My decision is human centipede.

Speaker 7 I'm not sure what to do on an all-new weird judge.

Speaker 5 All right.

Speaker 5 Kiss each other a little bit

Speaker 5 and

Speaker 7 then you gotta, your kid's gonna join the circus.

Speaker 5 Okay, thank you. Next.
Don't forget to work the nipples.

Speaker 5 It's a murder trial.

Speaker 7 You did kill him?

Speaker 7 Okay, and then

Speaker 7 his dad,

Speaker 7 I guess, to bang you.

Speaker 5 But after a massage.

Speaker 7 I don't know what's going on.

Speaker 5 All right?

Speaker 5 Bailiff, give him a massage.

Speaker 7 Yeah, the bailiff's going to touch you.

Speaker 5 He's a strong bailiff, real strong.

Speaker 5 Monday night, according to Rotman, his wife attacked him with a broom and beat him severely.

Speaker 7 This is how I picture the 20s.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 I wonder what his injury is.

Speaker 5 Right?

Speaker 5 Can he run? I'm all dusty. It's an arm or a leg thing.
What's going on?

Speaker 5 She would not allow him in his room and threw him out on the street. This is his wife? Minus.
Ready for this? Yeah. Minus his wooden leg and all his clothes.
Wow, dude. You ask.

Speaker 5 You want to know, Matt? He's got no leg. So he definitely can't run and she's hitting him with the breath.

Speaker 5 His leg fell off during the fight or whatever.

Speaker 7 Just the judge listening to this, he can use the bathtub whenever.

Speaker 7 He's such a good judge. This guy's like the best judge.

Speaker 5 Take his leg off, stick it in him.

Speaker 7 There you go.

Speaker 5 Yeah, peg him.

Speaker 5 Rotman said he had given his savings of years to his wife, who banked them, he found afterward, in her own name. Well, that's not good.

Speaker 7 All right. He can live in the crawl space with a cat.

Speaker 5 Sir, can you meow for me?

Speaker 5 Go, boom. Next.

Speaker 5 When he asked for money to buy a new wooden leg, he said she refused to give it to him. So he just wanted a leg with the money that he saved.

Speaker 5 This is 100%

Speaker 5 not real. And also, I'm on that guy's side.
Sexist. Yeah.

Speaker 7 Dude, I'm on her side. I'm so pro-woman.

Speaker 5 He's like, I just got to take a bath, lady.

Speaker 5 If he needed a new wooden leg, did that mean that he lost his old

Speaker 5 wooden leg? And that's why he didn't have it when he came in the house and she beat him up with the broom?

Speaker 7 I feel like,

Speaker 7 doesn't she have it? I feel like she has it.

Speaker 5 I don't know. He just needs a new one, and they haven't talked about the other one.

Speaker 7 Is he the cobbler?

Speaker 5 He's the cobbler. Fuck.
It's weird. Is he the cobbler? No, this isn't a cobbler.
He's a fan.

Speaker 5 He's got a warrant.

Speaker 7 We know a cobbler.

Speaker 5 So the Japanese guy shot his leg off. Yeah.
Yeah. Right.

Speaker 5 What you deserved.

Speaker 5 Okay, so she refused to get to him. The warrant was recommended by Thomas Frazier, Assistant Prosecuting Attorney, and signed by Judge Jeffries.
I wish we had more information.

Speaker 7 Yeah, we have plenty.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 I'm happy. I mean, as far as

Speaker 5 having to get a new leg, I mean, I can't imagine that the legs they were making back then were very water resistant. So this thing could it could go bad every winter.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 7 But that, but to that point, probably real easy to find because it was probably you just like went out in the woods. You're like, this'll do.

Speaker 5 Yeah, for sure. Here we go.

Speaker 7 honey what about that okay it's 1925

Speaker 5 oh

Speaker 5 yeah i wonder

Speaker 5 i mean yeah you'd have to use a light wood right sure and but a light wood is easier to i want to see

Speaker 5 harm like sure well you're a wood guy oh yeah yeah

Speaker 7 matt you're big into wood types what do you think

Speaker 5 yeah yeah i don't know i mean it's got to be you know i don't know oak maybe that's pretty heavy though yeah yeah or maybe you do do a broom and then it's the first roomba

Speaker 7 what a nice birch i love a birch leg

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Speaker 5 50 bottles a day mere appetizer that's right here we go

Speaker 5 Holloway Breakman is oh wait sorry GG Holloway comma brakeman is the world's champion consumer of home brew yeah Yep.

Speaker 7 That's right. You make it, I drink it.

Speaker 5 Dude, we already know what this guy looks like. He looks like every brewery guy.
Beard, you know, a little bigger.

Speaker 7 Don't want you hanging out with Gigi this weekend. Yeah.
He drinks basement ales.

Speaker 5 That's the only way I can get my leg.

Speaker 7 Hey, how's it going?

Speaker 5 I like a beer with a little stink on it. Yeah.

Speaker 5 He admitted here in court today to a jury in criminal court before which he was being tried on a charge of violating liquor statutes. So he admitted to being the world's champion of consumers.

Speaker 5 So he basically

Speaker 5 said, I'm number one at making the beer. Yeah.
And you're like, sir, are you drunk right now? Are you drunk? Are you drunk right now, Your Honor?

Speaker 5 He's swinging a wooden leg.

Speaker 5 Look what I found.

Speaker 5 Hey! Hey, no!

Speaker 5 Hey!

Speaker 5 Holloway said the daily consumption of between between 40 and 50 bottles of homebrew. That's crazy.
Holy

Speaker 7 shit. But again, we don't know the percentage.
It's homebrew. It could be weak as shit.

Speaker 5 It's probably strong.

Speaker 7 I would imagine.

Speaker 5 That's crazy.

Speaker 7 We don't know what a bottle is.

Speaker 5 It's just the receptive

Speaker 5 when people already died really young.

Speaker 5 Maybe. I'd be like, you might be an alcoholic.

Speaker 7 Definitely.

Speaker 5 It was a mere appetizer for him.

Speaker 7 That's it. That's how I get warmed up.
Is this Andre the Giant?

Speaker 5 The jury failed to agree as to the defendant's guilt. So they

Speaker 5 what was he charged with? He was charged with

Speaker 5 violating liquor statutes. So that could be anything.
That could be drinking. That could be selling.

Speaker 7 1925, are we in prohibition?

Speaker 5 Nope. We're out.

Speaker 5 Not yet. Okay, right.

Speaker 7 So then this guy's just a fucking badass.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Well, I don't know if that's...
He drinks 40 to 50 beers a day, so I don't know.

Speaker 7 Oh, here we go. Yeah.
All right, Dave. We get it.
You got Dave.

Speaker 5 Sounds like he has a problem.

Speaker 7 It sounds like he has a problem and he found a solution, which is 50 bottles of ale a day.

Speaker 5 If that's a solution.

Speaker 7 Home ale, by the way. The best kind.

Speaker 7 I normally find when I go over to someone's place and they've made themselves a little bit of

Speaker 7 something that they've made at home, that's the best kind of booze.

Speaker 5 No. Without question.
No. I love a liquor.

Speaker 7 I love

Speaker 7 a homemade IPA.

Speaker 7 Something in the tub.

Speaker 5 Something that dude. Seeing you scoop with a mug?

Speaker 7 Yeah, I love tub mugs.

Speaker 7 Yeah, that's how Chumba Wumba started, tug mugging.

Speaker 5 You ever do a tub bong?

Speaker 7 I've done a tub.

Speaker 7 I have done a gravity bong in a bathtub, and I guarantee you Matt has. Oh, Matt has.

Speaker 5 Of course, dude. Of course.
The guy

Speaker 5 was very surprised, but I did.

Speaker 5 Excuse me.

Speaker 7 Matt, remember when Gravity Bong started? How old were you when that happened?

Speaker 5 Oh, man, probably 15, 16.

Speaker 7 Yeah, I was a little bit older, but man,

Speaker 7 what a game changer. I was like, I didn't know you could get high for two days.

Speaker 5 Totally, dude.

Speaker 5 People did.

Speaker 5 It was like the first dab.

Speaker 5 No people down there standing. Yeah, it was.

Speaker 7 It was old school devs. So Gravity Barb, for those of you who don't know, was when you would put the bowl,

Speaker 7 the place where you'd put the weed on top of a two-liter, like where you would sip from, and you would cut the bottom off of the two liter, and you would basically submerge the two liter up until like near the top.

Speaker 7 So you didn't want the weed or any of the apparatus to get wet where the weed would be going.

Speaker 7 But then we realized that if you light the bowl and let inertia sort of the water will do the sucking of the weed for you, you take the weed part off of where you would sip from, put your lips there, you're taking a hit so fucking large it could knock a Yeti on his ass.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 7 And man, oh man, would you get fucking high?

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah. It would really knock you into fucking next week, dude.
It was nuts. Who do you think invented that?

Speaker 7 Some fucking genius.

Speaker 5 Some science married.

Speaker 7 Whoever invented it doesn't remember inventing it.

Speaker 7 French came up with this shit.

Speaker 5 You did, dude. Yeah, he ripped it and he was like, where am I? Yeah.

Speaker 7 Whose idea was that?

Speaker 5 I'm alone. Am I French? Wait, what?

Speaker 5 What happened?

Speaker 5 Find man nude, but not dead.

Speaker 7 Nice.

Speaker 5 Nice. Nice.
This sounds like a lucky find. Fuck yeah.
I assume he's laying down. Or they were.
What's his address?

Speaker 5 Yeah, we'll find out.

Speaker 5 With screaming siren and roaring exhaust, the police flyer tore out of its garage Tuesday afternoon at 5 o'clock to answer a call that said a man was being killed at 936 Congress Street.

Speaker 7 Probably where he lived. Yeah.
Yeah. And he was foin.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 The officers arrived on the scene and went around to the barn in the rear of the house where the alleged murder was supposed to be taking place.

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 5 Entering, they did not find a murder in progress, but instead

Speaker 5 discovered a middle-aged man clad only in a pair of shoes. Hello.

Speaker 5 Hi, guys.

Speaker 5 I was alone, and I wanted people to see

Speaker 5 my cobbler just made these.

Speaker 5 Killed? No, I'm killing it right now.

Speaker 7 What are you talking about? I'm cooking dinner in boots. I'm awesome.

Speaker 5 A middle-aged man clad only in a pair of shoes who

Speaker 5 related a mournful ale of whiskey plus strange companions who took all his raiment. Raymond?

Speaker 7 I gotta This is a lot sadder. This is not, this is some guy who's basically like, they took it all.
The cops are like,

Speaker 7 I mean, his spirit's been murdered, but he still exists.

Speaker 5 Oh,

Speaker 7 who called?

Speaker 7 Let me guess.

Speaker 5 You guys ever seen a hammer like this? Hello, boys.

Speaker 5 Yeah. What does Raymond mean? Old-fashioned word for clothing, particularly fancy clothing.
I've lost my remote. Damn, they just stripped this dude down and let him keep his shoes.

Speaker 7 Yeah, the shoes are a nice title.

Speaker 5 I mean, that's a party, right? Yeah, that's nice.

Speaker 7 Nice to let him keep them. Yeah.

Speaker 5 And then they must have called the cops and said there was a murder just to fuck with them. There's been a murder.

Speaker 7 Well, don't do that.

Speaker 5 Just leave. No, no.

Speaker 5 Dude, yeah. They swatted him.
Yeah, they swatted him.

Speaker 5 He's got a huge weapon between his legs. Yeah,

Speaker 7 he's got a real big weapon here, officer.

Speaker 5 Kind-hearted policeman tossed an old cloth from the floor.

Speaker 7 No, no, I'd rather remain like this.

Speaker 5 He threw a cloth at him.

Speaker 7 What a kind cop. Here, take this rag for your dong.

Speaker 5 From the floor of the flyer over the shivering man and drove him home.

Speaker 5 Oh, it wasn't in his house.

Speaker 7 He's cold as shit.

Speaker 5 Wow. Well, whose house was it?

Speaker 7 That we don't know.

Speaker 5 It's a naked guy in your barn. Yeah.

Speaker 5 It's a dream.

Speaker 5 The police took care of the situation splendidly, except they neglected to get the man's name and address.

Speaker 7 Well, other than that, perfect detective.

Speaker 5 Well, they drove him home. There we go.
Well, you live here, David.

Speaker 5 Something tells me he didn't have his wallet on him, you know? Oh,

Speaker 7 as they dropped him off, they were like, Do you think we should have asked what happened, who he was, where he was going, or any information? Yeah, in retrospect, probably should have.

Speaker 5 I don't know. Who knows? I feel like we solved the crime.
Coppin's hard.

Speaker 5 Coppin' ain't easy.

Speaker 5 Such, I didn't know we were supposed to cut the guy's information.

Speaker 7 Yeah, you take him to court.

Speaker 7 All right, so he has to wear your outfit, and then you take his name.

Speaker 5 Weird judge.

Speaker 7 No, come on. And so that guy who likes drinking, he got to drink one bottle of booze out of that guy's shoe.

Speaker 5 Weird judge.

Speaker 7 Kiss him on the neck gently kiss his neck and uh then tell him you're gonna be valentine's and then your wives i gotta be best friends they get on a bicycle bill for two thank you boom

Speaker 5 weird judge weird judge

Speaker 5 uh this headline is boiled salad dressing well i'm out

Speaker 5 that's insane well that literally can't be a thing enjoy

Speaker 7 and uh would you like to try the house boiled

Speaker 5 We have a thousand island boiled. We have a ranch boiled.

Speaker 5 We have an oil and vinegar boiled.

Speaker 7 I should point out all of our dressings are boiled.

Speaker 7 So if you, I don't know how you guys like them, but our dressings are all very hot and boiling.

Speaker 5 Next time

Speaker 5 in boiled salad dressing, try California lemon juice in place of vinegar. Hey, can I talk to you over here for a second? Yeah, what's up?

Speaker 7 So what's going on with you lately? It seems like you're melting down in the paper.

Speaker 5 No, I'm just

Speaker 5 writing stories. I'm getting all the news out there.

Speaker 5 I'm just

Speaker 7 because the last thing you've talked about was boiling a California dressing.

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 5 Boiled salad dressing.

Speaker 5 That's a thing.

Speaker 7 Like, the editor sees this article and goes, shut the door.

Speaker 7 I got to make some big changes over here.

Speaker 5 God damn it, you've done it again. This is really crazy.

Speaker 5 Note the new tang and zest, the new flavor, the new delicacy. All famous chefs make theirs this way.

Speaker 7 That's some guy lying. That's some guy just got caught boiling dressings.
He's like, all famous chefs are doing this. This is a very regular cooking thing to boil your dressing, okay?

Speaker 5 People are gagging on it. He's like, I know, it's really tangy.

Speaker 7 Yeah, well, yeah, it's burning my throat. Well, blow on it.
I mean, have have you guys never eaten a salad before? My goal was always to combine the soup salad option.

Speaker 7 So I'm boiling the salad.

Speaker 5 So do thousands of women now, when you taste.

Speaker 7 What a weird, and every woman's doing it too. The ladies are doing it.
So it's all chefs and all women are doing this.

Speaker 5 Hold on. The salad dressing's almost boiled.

Speaker 5 Oh,

Speaker 5 so Kathy.

Speaker 7 Kathy hit her head pretty hard.

Speaker 7 doing some stuff like this since.

Speaker 5 She's been boiling everything.

Speaker 5 All right.

Speaker 5 I'm boiling the ketchup.

Speaker 7 Good, honey. Get it nice and hot now.

Speaker 5 How boiled do you want your pizza?

Speaker 7 You know, we don't need to cook it too much, honestly.

Speaker 5 It's been pretty tough overall.

Speaker 5 The boiled steak's ready.

Speaker 7 Oh, good. That's going to be really nice to eat it like that.
I'll just sort of tell her. I kind of placate her because she's just going through so much stuff.

Speaker 5 I boiled my hand.

Speaker 7 All right, babe. That's pretty good.
Is it hurting?

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Well, I guess. I'm ready, though.

Speaker 7 Oh, I didn't realize you were preparing it for a meal.

Speaker 5 For later.

Speaker 7 Not for this meal.

Speaker 5 No, it's not for eating.

Speaker 7 It's not for eating, but you're preparing it for a meal?

Speaker 5 Yeah, no, it's just boiled hand.

Speaker 7 Boiled hand for, I'm not trying to poke too many holes, but what are you boiling it for?

Speaker 5 Play catch.

Speaker 7 Oh, okay, great. Well, we'll go toss the football around a little later, babe.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 7 So, um, she's just really, her doctor said to just kind of enable it for a while.

Speaker 5 Boiled me head, huh, babe? I boiled me head.

Speaker 7 Why? Not for a meal? Getting it ready. Get ready for what?

Speaker 7 Okay, I don't need, it's fine. You don't even need to answer, babe.
That's awesome. I'm excited to see that.
And that'll be great to have it and know that what we're doing.

Speaker 5 Oiled me privates.

Speaker 7 all right, I'm gonna let Carl go and then we can sort of talk about this a little bit further.

Speaker 5 It's ready, uh-huh.

Speaker 5 Um,

Speaker 7 I probably should have jumped in earlier, realizing the evolution of where this was going with her.

Speaker 5 Time to boil your dick, okay?

Speaker 7 I uh, I mean, obviously, I'm leaving her.

Speaker 5 I'm obviously

Speaker 5 this can't go on.

Speaker 5 Oh, shit. Well,

Speaker 5 a friend of Lincoln dies at 74 years.

Speaker 7 Oh, what a big, What a big deal.

Speaker 7 What a legacy. So what's your deal? I knew Abraham Lincoln.

Speaker 5 That's all you'd ever say to people.

Speaker 7 And did I tell you about the time that Abraham Lincoln and I

Speaker 7 had a day in the park?

Speaker 5 Yes. I did? Yeah, a lot.

Speaker 7 He was a very good friend.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I know, I know you said that.

Speaker 7 You know,

Speaker 7 for a name like Honest Abe,

Speaker 7 he could tell a lie.

Speaker 5 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 5 All right. Thanks.

Speaker 7 Shot him in the head, they did.

Speaker 5 What? Yeah.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 5 What a guy. Yeah.
All right. All right.
I'll see you later.

Speaker 7 He was hanging dong, too.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 5 Just listed on his credits, friend of Abe.

Speaker 5 Friend of Abraham Lincoln.

Speaker 7 You know how he came up with that beard, don't you? No.

Speaker 5 Oh.

Speaker 7 Well, that's quite a story.

Speaker 5 No, it's not. Yes, it is.
No. Yes, it is.
It's not.

Speaker 7 Yes, it is.

Speaker 5 I bet you'd like to hear it. Okay, what is it?

Speaker 7 He shaved his mustache off,

Speaker 7 and the rest remained a beard.

Speaker 5 How about that?

Speaker 5 Miss Carol. Oh, it's a lady.
Miss Carolina German.

Speaker 7 I should point out I was a woman.

Speaker 5 Of all time.

Speaker 5 74, who claimed to be one of the few remaining persons who had a close acquaintance with Abraham Lincoln died today. Yep, and now I'm dead.
Miss German came here in 1894. How about that? 1894.
Yep.

Speaker 5 When was Abe Lincoln killed?

Speaker 7 Yeah, Abe was killed in 1841.

Speaker 5 When was Abe Lincoln killed?

Speaker 7 He's killed in 1845.

Speaker 7 He's still alive.

Speaker 5 I like how this newspaper is just keeping a roster of his friends and checking them off one by one.

Speaker 5 65, yeah, it was 65.

Speaker 7 65 he died.

Speaker 5 But this is saying,

Speaker 7 you know, he didn't die from that gunshot either. Okay, she's bungee jumping.

Speaker 5 Is that true? Yeah.

Speaker 7 His skull was in no position to take that sort of yank.

Speaker 5 Screams of cheer and fun as he fell.

Speaker 7 Oh, he was having a real blast on the way down. But once the cord yanked him back up, everything came out of that head.

Speaker 7 It was like a piñata that got hid in this sweet spot

Speaker 5 uh she came here in 1894 from springfield illinois where she said she lived as a neighbor to lincoln yep she wrote many newspaper and magazine articles of incidents of lincoln's life and character well that's what i've been doing this whole time and

Speaker 5 she just made a living off lying that she knew

Speaker 7 you want to know did i ever tell you about uh how abraham liked to go for a run you did yeah oh did I? Yeah, you did. And what did I say?

Speaker 5 He said he likes to go for a run.

Speaker 7 Well, I've got an update to that story.

Speaker 5 How is it updated?

Speaker 7 Well, I bet you because, did I tell you everything exciting about it? Yes. Really? Yeah.
When he would go running, what would he do?

Speaker 5 He'd yell my beard.

Speaker 7 He'd whistle.

Speaker 7 What do you think of that?

Speaker 5 Pretty crazy. He's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Oh, really? Yeah. Well, I gotta, I gotta.

Speaker 7 You want an exciting story then?

Speaker 5 No, I I don't.

Speaker 7 I got an exciting one for you. Did I ever tell you about when he had a tooth he had to get taken out?

Speaker 5 No.

Speaker 5 Oh.

Speaker 5 Is that it?

Speaker 5 I'm dying.

Speaker 5 My God.

Speaker 5 Warning, citizens, oppose the new dance amendment.

Speaker 5 This is prime, dude. Prime old news.

Speaker 7 Is this a mandate to dance? No, it's not.

Speaker 5 No, this is a lot of against dancing about that. I know.

Speaker 5 Particularly ragtime.

Speaker 7 You know, Abe used to cut a rug.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 5 He did. Okay.

Speaker 5 He would, he was a big crotch pusher when he'd danced with you. What are you saying? He'd love to push it in.

Speaker 5 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 5 Oh.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 5 He could drop that donk.

Speaker 7 Oh, do you better believe it?

Speaker 5 Last night, certain influences had introduced into the council a proposed amendment permitting cabarets and other dance places to continue

Speaker 5 dancing until 1.30 a.m. instead of 1 o'clock, as now is the case.

Speaker 5 So they're trying to extend dancing for 30 fucking minutes. It's awesome.
It's just chaos. You're like, hey, these people aren't busting yet, so fucking.
So let's go for 30 more minutes.

Speaker 5 That's the judge.

Speaker 7 With another 30, they'll probably bust. So let's just push it to one-third.

Speaker 5 Does that sound good?

Speaker 5 This amendment is a bad thing for Detroit. It is especially bad for Detroit's young people.

Speaker 7 It is amazing how much limiting of fucking everyone was always trying to do. Yes, still are.

Speaker 5 Yeah,

Speaker 7 they still are.

Speaker 5 But

Speaker 7 it's crazy to just be like,

Speaker 5 I mean, I don't know. It feels great.
Yeah,

Speaker 5 that's the whole thing.

Speaker 7 We're like biologically inclined for it. So if we're talking about the

Speaker 7 biblical limitations set on us, why were we created to want to fuck? Just to have a weird trial at the end of our life?

Speaker 5 Yeah, basically.

Speaker 7 You fucked too much. You made me want to fuck.

Speaker 5 Yeah, but the whole thing was to not do it.

Speaker 7 I put all this awesome stuff around you for torture.

Speaker 5 It is about time to call a halt on efforts to make Detroit an all-night town. The amendment looks like an opening wedge.

Speaker 7 Little did they know they could just do that by removing the infrastructure.

Speaker 5 That's right.

Speaker 5 There's a shorter route. Divorce asked as dreams fade.

Speaker 5 Promise of wealth and luxury failed, she charges.

Speaker 7 By the way, how great is it when you can, when you start a relationship? You're like, you're going to make so much money. It is trumpy.

Speaker 5 It is.

Speaker 7 Marry me, you're gonna make a lot of money. And you're gonna have a lot of big orgasms.

Speaker 5 Rosie dreams of wealth and comfort, which Milton Rosenberger declared.

Speaker 7 By the way, believing that Milton Rosenberger is going to provide this lovely life.

Speaker 5 Don't worry. I got you.
I got you.

Speaker 7 Don't worry, Jake. You're going to be so happy with everything that I'm providing for you, okay?

Speaker 5 I'll go up on you real good, real good.

Speaker 7 Don't worry, I'll find all your little nooks and crannies and I'll put money in them and I'll play with them.

Speaker 5 Declared, which Milton Rosenberger declared would be her daily life if she married him, turned out to be far from the truth.

Speaker 7 Every day you'll wake up to breakfast in bed, followed by a delicious coffee, and then whatever you want to tell me, I will sit there and take it, followed by a beautiful lunch, then massages, then we will have whatever entertainment you want for the evening, and then I will, again, will promise you so many orgasms and money.

Speaker 7 You'll have the female, even though the female orgasm appears to be somewhat of a myth, you will have one and it will change will shoot out of you, my darling.

Speaker 5 It turned out to be far from the truth after she became

Speaker 7 so it's all bullshit.

Speaker 5 Yeah, it was a lie.

Speaker 7 Point out my penis was burned off in a boiling incident from my previous relationship.

Speaker 5 Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm trying to watch the game.

Speaker 5 Quiet.

Speaker 5 Claire Rosenberger filed suit for divorce Tuesday.

Speaker 5 Mrs. Rosenberger said Milton claimed he was a stockbroker of great wealth, but that I'm very rich.
But that he was working at the Ford factory as a laborer.

Speaker 5 So here's my deal.

Speaker 7 I am extremely wealthy, but I work in terrible conditions on a factory floor with no union because I like to hang with my guys.

Speaker 5 He's just coming home in a suit covered in oil.

Speaker 5 He said he was working in the Ford factory as a laborer merely to tide himself over a bad deal.

Speaker 7 I'll tell you, I have

Speaker 7 over the years been in like a lift or two where

Speaker 7 I feel like the driver has been doing a version of that where like they are upset that they're driving for like lift or ride share, and like you know, you just be making small talk and be like, you know, I'm actually a big-time producer.

Speaker 5 I'm like, we are

Speaker 5 like, oh boy, okay, always,

Speaker 5 yeah, they're like, here's my mixtape, yeah, yeah, like,

Speaker 5 you ever see the movie Snow Spiders? Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 5 because I just wrote it.

Speaker 5 Oh, that's cool. I burned copies of my podcast.
I'll trade you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 7 Well, it's like, I've before have, like,

Speaker 7 I've done this a few times or like the ride from the airport to the club or whatever. I'll be like, yeah, I'm like a comedian.
And normally, well, it'll either end one of two ways.

Speaker 7 One, the person either is getting free tickets or by the end, I'm like, all right, I really shouldn't have done that.

Speaker 5 You know, like, that's crazy.

Speaker 5 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 5 They're like, you and I should do something together. I'm really

Speaker 5 exactly, yes, where you're just like,

Speaker 7 so is that cool? Can I, can I actually cut, can I actually get on stage tonight?

Speaker 5 You're like, you know, for fuck's sake.

Speaker 5 He also promised her a splendid home, servants, motor cars, a country estate, and other luxuries.

Speaker 5 After they were married, she said he didn't give her a cent and also made her take care of his two children by a former marriage. Oh,

Speaker 5 wow. How did this guy think this is going to work? Well, how did she, like, she just didn't ask any?

Speaker 7 She was like, what's in that room? He's like,

Speaker 7 stay out of there.

Speaker 5 That's post-marriage stuff.

Speaker 5 Yeah, this guy rocks. He is promising the most insane shit that he can never come close to.
Yeah, I believe our first kid official. I can't believe that he finally has a wife.

Speaker 7 Every friend before he met her. Hey, before she shows up, a couple things.

Speaker 7 Okay, so I don't work for Ford. I am very wealthy.
I have no children.

Speaker 5 I'm a Rockefeller. I'm a Rockefeller.

Speaker 7 Oh, hello, Denise.

Speaker 7 I was just telling everybody how great you are, wasn't I, everybody?

Speaker 5 Wasn't I? And we were just talking about finance.

Speaker 5 We were just talking about how great my portfolio has been doing. Don't move one more view.

Speaker 5 He just carries around an empty manila folder all the time. Yeah.

Speaker 7 Oh, boy. Well, I got to go home and figure this out.

Speaker 5 Can I see it inside the folder? It just says money stuff on the tabs. Money is money.

Speaker 7 You wouldn't understand. This is a lot of money stuff.

Speaker 5 He was stingy with her, she said, and spent all he had on himself.

Speaker 5 Well, it doesn't sound like he had shit.

Speaker 7 You know, there are certain times where two things can be true. One,

Speaker 7 what a terrible piece of shit for lying and bringing her into that. But also,

Speaker 7 what a guy.

Speaker 5 What a guy.

Speaker 5 What a guy. Yeah, this guy sounds like a fun party guy.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Where did the marriage fall apart? She discovered who I was.

Speaker 5 She found the truth.

Speaker 7 She discovered the reels.

Speaker 5 She opened the money.

Speaker 5 They're so nosy. The money's nosy.
They're so nosy and they want to know what's real. Oh, my God.

Speaker 7 Is my wife the only one who keeps wanting to know my real name? What I actually do, why I lied about kids?

Speaker 5 Why I'm getting calluses on my hands in finance.

Speaker 7 Yeah, what's the deal with that?

Speaker 5 Runaway Youth Makes Safe Trip. All right.
This will be our last one, right? Okay. This sounds very encouraging.
Positive. Yeah.

Speaker 5 A quest for the romance of a free, untrammeled existence ended at 10 o'clock Monday night when Elmer Welland, 10 years old, who ran away from his home at 41 Richten Avenue last Saturday

Speaker 5 morning, arrived at the home of relatives in Grand Rapids.

Speaker 5 You can't, it's not running away if you're just going to another relatives.

Speaker 7 Oh, I don't agree.

Speaker 7 I think that's the best way to run away.

Speaker 5 Hi, Uncle and Aunt Jeffries.

Speaker 5 Mind if I live here? I'm 10.

Speaker 7 It just

Speaker 7 is still shocking the address of a child being put in the paper.

Speaker 5 It very much is.

Speaker 7 Just so fucking nuts.

Speaker 5 How Elmer... knew the way to Grand At Rapids is a mystery to his mother.
So where did he leave from? They're like, this kid was really stupid. He didn't know where shit was.

Speaker 7 This is shocking.

Speaker 5 He must have left from Detroit. Left walked to Grand Rapids.
Right?

Speaker 7 Hi, Aunt Kathy.

Speaker 5 Jesus Christ. What the fuck? Hello.

Speaker 5 I'm imagining big Coke bottle glasses. His eyes are huge and open.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 Hi.

Speaker 5 The hell?

Speaker 5 The mother learned yesterday afternoon that he was safe. He knew that it was long distance, but that did not swerve him from his purpose.
And he began his 150-mile journey in high hopes. Holy shit!

Speaker 5 All right, maybe this kid's kind of a badass. Yeah, he is.

Speaker 5 He's just fighting wolves and shit out there.

Speaker 7 Honestly, I'm going to see my aunt.

Speaker 5 Oh, okay. Motorists, seeing the diminutive pilgrim trudging along the highway, stopped and gave him lifts.

Speaker 7 There it is.

Speaker 5 His hitchhiker, basically.

Speaker 7 There it is.

Speaker 5 But like posing as as a.

Speaker 5 I'm lost. And then you get a ride.
I mean,

Speaker 5 just drop me off over there next to the gas station. There we go.

Speaker 5 They stopped and gave him lifts, and he finally arrived, tired and dusty, but triumphant at his destination. Yeah, he must have been thrilled.
He's like, hey, what's up?

Speaker 5 And they're like, we thought you went dead. I should be.

Speaker 5 I went in the cars of four strangers. I'm ten.
They had Kathy. I can't believe I wasn't trafficked.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 Tomorrow's mother, happy again in having located the youthful wanderer. Her,

Speaker 5 will make a quicker, less daring trip to Grand Rapids to bring Elmer back. Wow.
Less daring. Less daring.
Yeah,

Speaker 5 because his mom's driving him. She should also hitchhike.
Yeah, I agree. I'll show you, Elmer.
Yeah. Her kid, a badass.
Her kind of a pussy. Yeah, right.

Speaker 7 All right, so here's what we're going to do. The kid should drive the mom to his uncle's house,

Speaker 5 and then they hook up.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 5 Who's hooking up?

Speaker 7 The mom and

Speaker 5 her brother.

Speaker 7 I guess it's her brother.

Speaker 5 The mom and her brother are going to hook up. Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

Speaker 7 And then the kid,

Speaker 7 he has to listen through a receptacle that he holds up to the wall.

Speaker 5 Okay. That sounds really scarring.
Yeah. This kid is really cool.
I think we should give him a gun. Yeah.

Speaker 7 Look, you guys come into my courtroom. You're not expecting like regular verdict.
Like, this is what we're doing. So, it's gonna be weird.
Yeah, you, your brother, you hook up.

Speaker 7 The kid listens, plus he's got a gun.

Speaker 5 Okay, thank you. And a pinto.
Give him a horse.

Speaker 7 There we go. Thank you.

Speaker 5 Boiled lips.

Speaker 7 Well, Matt, thank you for joining us. Hell yeah.
It's a real pleasure.

Speaker 7 People can go find your dates, listen to your pod.

Speaker 7 And is it true you're hitchhiking to most of your gigs? gigs?

Speaker 5 Now, for sure. I have to prove that I'm tougher than a 10-year-old child.

Speaker 5 You are.

Speaker 5 Which right now I'm not. I'm not going to lie.
Fight one. That's my right.

Speaker 7 All right. Well, thanks, Matt.
Appreciate it.

Speaker 5 You guys rock. Thanks, man.

Speaker 5 Some of these days,

Speaker 5 you'll miss me, honey.

Speaker 5 Some of these days.

Speaker 7 Hey, dollop fans. I know you love the dollop.
You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about?

Speaker 7 By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation, and we are starting to animate some of our episodes.

Speaker 7 So if you want to go watch a five-parter animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube.

Speaker 7 It really genuinely kicks ass, and we're very proud of it.

Speaker 7 And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them.

Speaker 7 We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the Rube.

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