Sky1 S1E3 - Jordan (October 8, 2010)

The seven wonders of the world.

Christ the Redeemer, the Taj Mahal,

the Great Pyramids.

Truly man's greatest achievements.

But there's one man who sees him differently.

It's like a pylon.

Carl Pilkington.

I don't know the political correct term.

Moron.

I think.

He is a round, empty-headed, chimp-like, mank moron.

Buffoon, idiot.

And he's a friend.

He's a typical Little Englander and he doesn't like going out of his comfort zone.

I just think that it'd be amazing to send him around the world.

What we'd like to see is him experience other cultures, other peoples, and see if in any way we can change his outlook on the world.

I've been to many exotic places.

I genuinely think travel broadens the mic.

I want him to hate it.

I want him to hate every minute of it for my own amusement.

Nothing is funnier than Carl in a corner being poked by a stick.

I am that stick.

And now I have the mic of Sky behind me.

Shit!

Shit!

This is one of the funniest, most expensive, practical jokes I've ever done.

And it's going to be great.

Just let me go!

Jesus Christ!

Carl, you may have seen this place in the film Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Petra in Jordan.

Extraordinary, ancient city carved into the rock.

Yeah, I suppose it's like cladding for a cave in a way.

It's an impressive entrance.

I mean, I'd love to live there.

I'd love that to be my house.

Would you?

That would be amazing.

But what I say about things like this is: you better be in the cave across from it where you're looking at that.

You're getting the nice view.

The people living in this are looking at my hole.

Do you know what I mean?

I always think that about nice houses and stuff.

You're better off in the council block across the road.

Because you're looking at a station.

Because you're looking at the niceness.

They're looking at the grimness.

Yeah, but you're living in the grimness.

We haven't seen the inside for a start.

You're saying that's amazing.

I'm saying it looks good from the outside.

That's the sort of thing that on an estate agent you'll go, let's go and see that.

But then you go, hang on a minute, why haven't it been sold yet?

There's a reason.

The inside's not that good.

Well,

let me know if

it's worth buying.

And also, what does it face?

Because if there's a shack across the road, I'm not buying it.

I'll buy the shack.

Right, that's what I was saying.

Alright, Carl, it's Steve Mayor.

Now, obviously, I know that you were intending to head to Jordan, but Rick and I were chatting, and we just thought it'd seem mad for you you to go all the way to the Middle East without stopping off in Israel.

A holy land car alright so um we've arranged for you to stop off there enjoy it absorb it let it get on your skin mate report back enjoy bye

when I started this off there was no mention of coming to places like Israel.

Seven wonders of the world that'll be alright where are they?

Nowhere they're in just a little bit.

Jordan.

Oh, they're in Jordan.

Oh, what are we doing here?

Israel's bad news.

I don't know why we just couldn't go straight to Jordan, see the wonder, go home.

When we went to India, there was none of this.

We went straight there.

There was no stopping off.

Let's just lift to Afghanistan.

There was none of that.

Straight there.

So why are we messing about here?

I mean, maybe it's not that bad, but all I know is whenever I hear about Israel, it's problems.

That's all I see on the news.

They never have a.

And finally, you know, a happy story.

The world's largest marrow has been grown in Israel.

It doesn't happen that.

It's never a fun story.

It's that it's kicking off again.

I sort of feel like that relationship that that bloke had, you know, the one who climbed a mountain and ended up cutting the rope of his mate.

That's what Steve's like, he's cutting the rope here.

He's leaving me dangling and shit.

It's doing me head in this place.

Do you know what I mean?

You've got blokes walking around with guns.

I just feel like I'm constantly on alert.

Because

there's an edginess to it, isn't it?

I can't breathe.

Fucking hell.

Fucking hell.

Alright, Carl, Steve here.

I forgot to mention to you that me and Ricky have arranged some extreme scenario training.

Obviously, you're in quite a sort of volatile region and you need to be prepared in the event of a kidnapping.

I don't know what you're saying.

Shoot!

Stop hitting me on the air!

Sure, it's work!

So there'll be a team of people who'll just jump out of you at some point when you least expect it and

train you on how to react and how to behave.

Alright, hope you get this message before

happens.

Be good, be good!

I'm being good.

Be good!

Talk to me!

Hang on a minute, I'm talking.

Are you English?

You English?

Yes, talk to me.

Who are you?

What do you want?

What are are you talking about with these rallys?

I'm just here on a holiday.

Yes, on a holiday!

You are a spy!

I'm not a spy spy.

You're a fucking spy!

I'm not a fucking spot.

You're a fucking spy, Zari spy!

Who is there?

He's your manager.

What is the number of you?

He said me mobile.

Well, mobile, what is the number of you?

I don't know.

I don't even know my mum and dad's number.

Give me the fucking number of the Shabak.

Who are you giving this all this shit?

To Syry.

Sky, Sky, Sky.

Sky!

What Sky?

To Sky?

Sky 1.

Hey, Shaw.

Sky 1.

Well, that's who we're giving all this shit to!

It's pretty frightening.

You know, most of the people...

I'm sorry.

Yeah, this is really...

You know, I mean, the adrenaline, I was shaking for about 15 minutes after that happened.

But it makes me realize that I haven't got a clue, really.

You have to know by heart a telephone number

of the back office of you that you are going to call them and tell them the secret word that you decided before.

You said the secret word.

That means he knows, he knows that you are under danger.

There's no secret word.

Nothing.

You should be.

I know, I haven't got one.

Honestly, I'm not messing around.

No one has given me a word.

You should be.

I don't know what number to call.

And I'd have to call Susanna and say, I'm in a better bother.

I wouldn't want to panic her straight away, so I'd say, how is everything?

And they'd say, right, listen, bit of a problem.

Okay.

I was taken away.

She'd probably start going, what do you mean?

I'd go, shh, quiet.

I've only got low battery.

Where are you?

Where are you?

Where are you?

Shh.

Don't shout because they can hear me.

Where?

What country?

Where?

I mean, well, you know where I am.

Where?

You never listen to me, you see.

You keep going on.

Okay.

Where are you?

Where are you?

I'm in Israel.

In Israel?

What?

You're right.

Where are you?

Yeah, you're right.

You're right.

We haven't sorted anything out.

You're right.

I mean, I'm clueless.

But I didn't know I was coming to Israel.

The fact that they teach that stuff here means that it does go on.

I mean, that wasn't all set up for me, was it?

That's proper training, that's what they do.

But surely they want me to.

Well, they have me.

What can I offer?

They call the embassy up, say, we've got Carl Pilkington here.

Who?

Well,

we've got no record of him.

Um,

I don't think it even made the news.

I'd probably get in the local paper in Manchester if it was a light news day.

Carl Pilkinson, Manchester, is stuck in a hut somewhere in Israel.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Don't!

Go!

Check the other side!

Go to the door!

Okay.

How you feel?

Knackered.

Huh?

Yeah.

Did that look good?

This guy is waiting for you in the corner.

Yeah.

I don't know if I saw the gun or not though.

Oh yeah, just it looks like he's from Liverpool.

I thought he's up to no good.

Yeah.

He looks like a scouter.

What is this all about?

You know, I thought I was seeing the wonders of the world.

I thought I was on my way to see Petra in Jordan, the plainlands.

I'm in Israel.

Not Jordan, you know, where the wonder is.

Israel.

Yesterday I spent a day getting a bag pot over my head, and then you turn around and say, Oh, well, you might need that, you know, with being in Israel.

Well, don't have me in Israel then.

And it can't be that dodgy, can it?

Because look at all the tourists.

It sort of relaxed me a little bit, I think.

Because you don't queue up to go into a danger zone, but there is a lot of people about with guns.

You know, is it all part of it, though?

Do they do that for the tourists?

Does it make the tourists feel like, oh, it's a bit edgy, but really, it's not going to kick off.

I can't work out.

At the end of the day, I'm just not that into religion.

Do you know what I mean?

It doesn't excite me.

I don't need it in my life.

But because I'm here, you know, Steve's sort of saying, well, you might as well see some of it.

I said, well, like, what?

It's all the Whaling Wall.

I said, you know what?

He said, the Whaling Whaling Mall.

It's really popular over there.

So I'm going to go and look at a wall.

This is all new to me.

It's not like I've come here with any idea of what this is about.

I've no idea.

They're all seem to be doing different things, you know.

Some are kissing the wall,

he's nodding at it,

people sticking bits of paper in.

And

there's bits of rubbish in there.

There's There's some sort of one of those insurance.

Sorry.

Like a form about insurance or something stuck in that one.

So they even get junk mail.

There's junk mail in the wall.

It's a weird one, the wall.

It reminded me of like

people who write to Jim or Fixit.

You know, you're not going to get an answer.

Or not everyone anyway.

It's a waste of time.

I always think about an alien.

If an alien landed and for some reason they picked me and they go, Carl,

you're our leader whilst we're here.

Why do people do this in Israel?

I don't know.

How do you explain that?

It's not what I thought it would be, Jerusalem.

I had this vision in the head of a place where, you know, Jesus was knocking about on a donkey.

That's been shattered now.

And everywhere you go, there seems to be some other religious people coming out of the woods somewhere.

It's like

Pac-Man, innit?

Do you know what I mean?

You go down a little alley thinking this will be quiet down here, and then a load of stuff comes at you.

Nothing's ever easy, is it?

You know, Steve said he sorted me out with a lift to get back to the hotel.

Well, that's nice of him.

And then this lot's earned up.

My whole life, that's all I want to do.

I want to go around this car or another car every day and make people happy.

Why not?

This is what we're doing traffic camp.

There were nice enough lads and that, but doing that is dangerous.

And there's enough danger here, you know, with...

you know, bombs going off or blokes walking out with guns.

I don't need to add more danger to my little trip by dancing about on a busy road.

You know how many miles we're gaining right now?

We could be saving, we're saving lives right now.

Somebody that was maybe depressed and wanted to commit suicide.

Now he's smiling.

Now he doesn't want.

She's not smiling.

Let's get a sticker from you.

Is he a sticker?

Yeah.

She's terrified.

She is terrified.

She's going, for God's sake.

Was she in like that and lock the door?

Alright, the lights are changing.

Lights, lights, lights!

Lights!

We're not going out again.

Where are you going?

And it took ages, didn't it?

You know, I mean, I might as well have got on a bus.

You know, at least a bus has less stops than they do.

I mean, at every hundred yards, they were getting out and having a dance.

For yourself, huh?

Yes, good.

Come on with us, come on with us, just for a bit, come on.

Two minutes.

Two minutes.

On a corner, come pick a dangerous spot.

This is the most dangerous place.

Yeah, I felt a bit bad about jumping out and legging it, but I don't like dancing, do I?

You know, I don't dance at weddings, so I'm not going to start doing it on a dual carriage way, am I?

I mean, you're right, there is a lot of misery misery in the world.

But that doesn't help me, that's making me worse.

They're causing all that divin.

Do you know what I mean?

Someone's trying to get to hospital.

The Gran's dying.

They're in the road.

Heard, heard, here, heard, heard, there, they're getting out the fucking road.

I spoke to Steve this morning and he said, oh, get yourself over to Bethlehem, see where baby Jesus was born.

Bet of a problem.

I found out it's in Palestine, which, you know, that's another place I've heard nothing but bad news about.

Plus, I've got to get over a massive wall to get to it.

It's just ugly, and it goes on for miles.

I mean, they're not messing about, are they?

I kind of thought, I bet there's somewhere you can sneak under it or over it, or but

there's no way.

Well, you've got to call London before we go over, mate.

The person you're calling

the man, the man in charge of making sure I'm I'm safe.

Record your message, please at any time.

Alright, Richards, it's Carl, about to go over the border.

If you don't hear from us in four hours, it's all gone tits up.

I mean, that's Richard, that sums him up.

He's always on the phone.

So, of all the people to have as our emergency number, you know, calling 999, it's engaged, sums him up.

That checkpoint was a bit weird, wasn't it?

I mean, I sort of felt guilty, even though I hadn't done anything.

I've got a Palestinian fella meeting me called Case.

Yeah, but I think I'm meeting, I'm meeting tomorrow.

What are you?

Hi, I'm Case.

How are you?

How was it?

Depression.

Honestly, I didn't think it would have that effect on me.

I'm not that sort of person, really.

If you're passing here every day, it's not depressing.

If you're waking up every morning and seeing this ugly concrete stuff in front of your eyes, then it's depressing.

You know I guess this is my car.

Safe?

Huh?

Safe?

Yeah of course it's safe.

I have insurance.

What's the shape of our car?

Are these for us?

Yeah it's a gift from the Holy Land.

It makes holy music.

Don't think that when I'm playing it

see there's nothing like that at home.

There's nothing like that anywhere on earth.

No, we have a congestion charge that caused a little bit of fuss.

If you drive into London you have to pay eight pounds.

Everybody was like this is an outrage but it's nothing compared to this.

Honestly this is costing the people more than eight pounds man this is costing them their future.

Are you going to be busy in there?

Well check it out.

Did you close your door well?

Yeah.

Is anyone going to nick it?

I mean it's a religious

lots of cups so don't worry.

People who are into religion shouldn't be nicking cars.

So why are these a big deal then?

Why are we bringing these, eh?

Because the shepherds and the shepherds came to the site of birth carrying flutes.

Watch your head, man.

Anything you need, you can ask us.

The flute says.

No, you've not.

The flute says, and the shepherds came to the site of birth carrying flutes.

Whatever you cannot, use it inside.

Okay.

You just carry it.

This is where Jesus was born.

Right there.

Right there.

On this rock.

Would you like to touch it?

You can touch it, you can kiss it, you can.

I think that's all.

You can do with it.

How do they know that?

It's an old tradition saying that this is the place.

But does Jesus want us to come here and see where was he born and touch the stones and go crying and blah blah blah?

I don't think so.

I'll come with you or not.

Little donkey.

I'd say the only time I've had religion in my life was playing Little Donkey at school.

And my mate, Wayne, he was Catholic.

He said, Oh, do you want to go and do this?

And I was like, Piss off.

And he said, Right, he just swore.

If you don't come with me to church, I'm going to tell your mum that he's told me to piss off.

So I had to go with him.

And in the end, I got got chucked out for bouncing the tennis ball sort of in the church.

That's been about it.

But I think I got more of a feeling from that wall than I did from where Jesus was born.

Yet, people are going in there, sort of like, oh,

you want to go over there?

That's where you're going to have a tea.

It's depressing.

I've been here four days now

and we're only just going to the wonder.

But

I was looking in the guidebook and we passed the Dead Sea this way and it's just been nice for me to have a bit of a restful day.

Ricky doesn't even need to know.

Looks quite good.

I'm not a great swimmer.

The good thing with the Dead Sea is you just float about in it.

It's like loads of salt in it.

It's another experience, isn't it?

It's one of life's little wonders a proper wonder a natural wonder which is the sort i like really

it's not too busy either i thought it'd be a right tourist trap

this is all right this

uh something that i read in the book

This is the lowest place on the world.

I know we don't normally have sort of information on this programme and that, like, not proper stuff anyway.

But that's a little bit.

It's the lowest place.

This is.

You can't get lower than this.

I don't know why.

I don't even know if it's true, but that's what I've read.

So I might as well give it a go.

Everybody else seems to be doing it.

Right.

Whatever I'm doing, I've got to do it quick because that is so hot.

it's really uneven

how you really do you know

come on

I don't even have to like do anything.

This is ace.

Cole, what's going on in your with your belly button mate?

What the fuck is that?

Is that a fag end?

Or was that

someone's goz?

It looks like someone's gob dinner.

Fucking hell, it is as well.

Phone.

Come on.

Hello?

What's going on?

I'm just in the Dead Sea.

Floating around?

Yeah, just floating around with someone's gauze.

There's old people in here just clearing the throats and that.

I just had some in my belly button.

Oh, that is disgusting.

That's what's floating above.

Christ knows what's floating under me.

Maybe that's why I'm floating around.

90% fking.

90%.

Taste it and see

It's nice, though.

It's good, this.

Now,

Carl, get out of the Dead Sea, put some clothes on, and do some fucking work.

I've been doing work today.

I've been doing work for four days.

This is an experience still.

It's good for the programme.

I'm explaining to people how it's loads of salt in it.

You float about.

Good for your skin.

You're not good for your skin if you're covered in old people's vomit and sick and phlegm and snot,

I don't I've never seen that on any Alan Wicker

or

paling.

This is the truth.

I got into the Dead Sea.

Are there old people closed?

There is.

This is not a travel show.

He sounded a bit pissed off that was having a rest, didn't he?

Where am I going?

Petra.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's good to be in Jordan, but we could have been here days ago, couldn't we?

Petra's only down the road.

We could drive there, but Ricky's come up with this idea that, you know, I'll meet a local bloke called Mohammed who's got a camel.

You You know, how long is that gonna take?

My friend,

we need to cross this route.

And how many hours?

How many hours that way?

At least 48 hours, two days, full days of the camels.

Would you like some music?

What kind of a music do you have?

It's just music, no singing.

When I'm a little bit stressed, it calms me.

Ladies sing.

There's no singing, it's just a a man on a clarinet.

Ah, it's nice, isn't it?

Very nice.

Very nice.

You teach me English song, I'll teach you Bidwin song.

How's it, my friend?

Good, yeah.

How's your ass now?

Fucking hell.

Look, you can see up here, it's going on for miles.

Just doesn't make sense, does it?

Why do people live in the middle of nowhere when you've gotta travel that sort of distance to get to somewhere?

Because he was saying some people have to do that once a week to nip to the shops and they get a big order and then carry it all the way back.

Move then, move closer to the shop or open a shop.

What's it like where we're staying tonight?

Maybe we found a bit with tents.

Maybe be alone in the desert, the sand dunes.

Sometimes the bitwinds they move.

I don't know.

You must have a plan.

This is desert.

We don't know what's the desert keep for us.

We'll see.

This camel's knackered.

Keeps stopping every ten minutes.

That could be a good camel.

It's just sort of moaning, isn't it?

Fucking sick of it.

We're gonna carry it now by the

van.

Yeah.

That was all weird though, wasn't it?

It was like a breakdown, proper breakdown in a desert.

They turn up, stick it on the back, no, it's knocking, it's going to cost you.

But to be honest, it's a bit of luck that, because I've had enough.

I'm up to here with this.

Camels have been around for years.

The ships of the desert.

That's what we're known as.

We've ended up with Titanic.

As long as it's not a major gale, I'm sure it'll be alright.

But he's got 14 kids.

So, you know,

me staying is hardly an issue, is it?

You see how the camera stands up?

Yeah, he's happy now.

You just strap the bag to his head.

Get in there.

Let's get this done.

Get the day done.

Get to bed.

These are all his sons.

Yeah, all his sons.

But I'm not allowed to see the mother.

No.

At all.

Not in Salo.

Thanks for having us.

Forbid it.

No way.

That's why they

see it.

That's why the house

is covered.

But say if I go to the toilet, I knock.

I'm in here,

she comes out, I see her.

That's not her fault, that's my fault.

So, what happens then?

This is by mistakes.

That's fine, okay.

Mr.

Mohammed said,

he said, oh, they don't get many guests here, so

be polite.

But there was a big pot or something in there that looked like some sort of milk.

I've not seen any cows, so I I don't know where it's come from.

I'm not a fan of milk anyway.

It's not being rude.

It's just I don't want to eat it.

I don't want to get ill.

I'm surprised they don't want me to get ill, because we're all sharing that little toilet.

But I'm in the middle of nowhere.

Honest to God,

it's moonlike.

Now, hold on.

How did you get there?

Did you go by camel?

Eight hours on a camel.

I bet you've got a big couple of big fallen humps, didn't you?

Well, I'll tell you, it's not funny.

I mean, I reckon I've done some damage.

It was just long and it was hot.

That is quite a good description of a desert, it's not on hot.

Yeah.

Well, it's just that's what I'm saying, though.

There's nothing to look at.

It's not like it's worth doing so many hours.

After half an hour, you've seen it.

Carl, I think I can break this to you now.

This wasn't for your amusement, this was for my amusement.

And if you're having a bad time bumping on a down on a camel, being

dehydrated with your testicles being battered, that's good entertainment for me and Sky One viewers.

It's not though.

So, this is what I'm giving back.

This is what I'm giving back to society.

You are my gift to the rest of the world.

Hang on a minute.

Someone's just fucking run up my leg.

Can I call you tomorrow, Summit?

Yeah, I'll see you later.

See you later.

The fuck was that?

Goodbye.

See ya.

Fucking hell.

Can we just eat and go to bed?

Don't put too much of that on my bit.

I can't have too much of that.

Is that the meat there?

That's the tank.

The what?

The time.

It's time for the goats.

You have it.

No.

Come on.

Oh, I'm clearing it.

Eat more.

Come on.

It's the meat.

It's meat.

It's from the goat.

What bit is it, though?

That's the eye.

This is the eye.

I can't eat the eye.

I'll tell you now.

I've got a very bad gag reflux.

Now, if I eat that and I start gagging, that doesn't look good either.

You'll think I'm rude.

This is a weird night out, innit?

What time do we normally go to sleep?

Tonight we have a very boring.

So what does that mean?

And he couldn't go sleep early.

So he can't.

He can't honestly.

Oh

I'm so tired.

I'm shattered.

I just want my bed.

But you know, what can you do?

And with a family who doesn't understand me, I don't understand them.

They're cooking food I don't like.

Well, it's been hard work today, hasn't it?

Are we actually going to get to Petra tomorrow?

Or what?

I just want to see the wonder today, Petra.

That's what I'm here for.

I'm not in any mood for messing about.

I didn't sleep that well last night.

I had a rough day yesterday, 10 hours on the back of a camel in roasting heat.

I've just spoke to Mohammed.

He said, we're not even quarter of the way there yet.

I mean, does he think I'm going to be getting on a camel again?

Are we going to get there?

We could have drove on this brilliantly yesterday, but we were on a camel instead.

We can now drive.

We don't have a car, my friend.

We have a camel's.

Yeah, but they broke down yesterday.

Why can't we just get in that one?

Oh, we have to wear a camel.

We don't have to.

I don't need to get on a camel again.

But we are on the half of the way now.

The program's an hour long.

We've done eight hours of filming on a camel.

Okay.

You do the math.

I'm not going on a fucking camel again.

I swear to God.

We've talked about this.

I'm bored of arguing with you.

If you're not listening, I'm not listening.

I'm not going on a camel again.

Come on.

I'm not going on a camel again.

Why?

I'm not going on a camel again.

Why?

I'm not going on a camel again.

We have not going on a camel.

We have one car.

I'm not going on a camel again.

Okay, we could go with this car.

So, how long will it be by car?

It's a couple of hours.

I'm just sick of camels.

I mean, you've got to prefer this, haven't you?

So much nicer.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I'll be in a good mood then when we see Petra and I'll go, oh wow, amazing.

So we're in now, this is the start of it, isn't it?

We are now in the beginning of the city of Petra.

Okay, my friend, I have to leave you now.

Nice to meet you, Carl.

See you again, yeah.

See you again again.

Please key in a commentary number.

One.

welcome to Petra, a city half as old as time.

The word Petra is Latin for rock.

This city dates back to 300 BC, when it was known as a leaf.

He just said that welcome to Petra.

He said Petra is Latin for um

I forgot now.

This is the problem with this.

It's too much attacking.

I mean, I didn't come here for a Latin lesson.

I just want to know where the wonder is, and let's have a look at it

10.

El Khazna.

You are now face to face with one of the ancient world wonders and the most famous monument in Petra.

The word in Arabic means treasury.

You may recognize the facade.

It is the site where the movie Indiana Jones and the Lost Crusade, among others, was filmed.

Hang on a sir.

Hang on.

Hello?

Hi.

Hi.

I've uh I'm just just stood in front of the wonder.

Yeah.

That was a waste of time last night staying with the Bedwins.

Why?

He gave me lamb's eyes to eat.

I slept on a hard floor all night, so I feel like shit.

That's how I'm feeling.

I mean,

it looks alright.

I'm sure if I was in a better mood, I'd big it up.

I'm basically in the middle of a load of rock and someone's carved it out, and it is amazing.

But I don't know what more there is to say than that.

Well, I've got a little surprise for you.

You're spending the night in a cave, Carl, tonight.

What for?

What's the point?

What?

It's funny.

Hello?

Steve.

Hello, mate.

Alright, it's Carl.

I've just spoke to Ricky.

He said, oh, you're staying in a cave tonight.

Yeah.

Well, what's that about?

Because I don't think he's taking this serious.

Well, no, I mean, I remember when we were chatting about it before you went there, you said, how you'd rather be living in a hole looking at a palace than living in a palace looking at a hole.

It was more about the view.

Yeah, but I didn't, I didn't.

I think that's what Carl wants, best because you know exactly what he wants.

No, but I didn't literally mean that's what I'd like.

You've only seen one building, only so far.

The ancient city of Petra is huge, it's spread over a vast area.

You've got to explore it, see, you know, see what else that means.

I don't know what mate.

I mean, this is an all-time low, I reckon.

Of

my life,

you've barely mentioned the wonder, Carl.

I mean, I know.

Well, I'm not thinking about it, am I?

How can I stand there and go, oh, what a beautiful bit of work?

When in the back of my head, you're going, Carl, you're living in a cave tonight.

I can't focus on that.

Oh,

God.

Steve said I've got to find a fellow called Ibrahim.

He's going to let me stay in his cave.

It's been a long day.

How are you?

How are you doing?

So, what do you put down?

What do you put down as an address?

Jordan Patra, that's it.

Just Jordan.

That's never going to get to you.

Yeah, that's it.

We will be here.

The postman would know.

Yes, yeah, yeah, you know it.

And everything you order

always gets to your house.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Their cave.

Yeah.

I can't believe that because I order stuff and get it delivered.

Sometimes it doesn't turn up.

Yeah.

And I've got a postcode.

That's amazed me more than the wonder.

Yeah.

That

you can get posts delivered.

I can't believe that.

What facilities are in the cave?

We've got the mattress,

we make the fire, and we sleep wherever, between the sky and the land.

Not like the city.

Ricky Cole and says, You're staying in the cave, starts laughing.

And I pictured the sort of caves you get in Wales where

it's all sharp, sharp edges, really damp, and the sea comes in at some point in the night.

I get here, decent size, dead warm, dead cozy.

Nice touch with the candles.

I tell you, I've seen houses that are worse than this.

Think I can

sort of fit into this way of life.

It is like a holiday every day.

Nice little holiday home, eating like this,

having a drink.

Suits me down to the ground.

This

Ricky always says I'm a bit like, you know, a caveman, and I haven't really evolved.

He says the shape of my head and the way my eyebrows come out a bit.

Maybe that's it, maybe

I was born a bit late.

Oh gosh.

See we haven't all evolved have we?

It's just a few of us.

I haven't got a clue how the tower.

I turn the tap on still and I go, how's water coming out of that?

I'm lucky because I'm around because someone else has come up with it.

But at the end of the day, if stuff was left down to me, I'd still be living in here.

If I was lucky, you know, I don't know if I could come up with this.

He just was saying how they used to do it.

He said they put a hole in the rock,

stick a tree trunk in it,

put water in, and the wood expands.

Is that what you were saying?

Makes the hole bigger.

There's no way I'd come up with that.

I won't come up with that now.

And yet they did that three and a half thousand years ago.

Slept alright once I got off really.

There's a cat mooching about now and again,

wandering.

I suppose that's the problem when you haven't got a front door, in it.

That was a good night.

Best night since I've been here.

I'd do it again.

You know, whilst I've been in this part of the world, there's not many things that have happened that I'd say I'd do that again.

But that, I would.

So, yeah, I loved it.

Really, really smart.

I can imagine living at this time.

I can picture myself just coming out of a little hole, just with a club, thinking, what am I going to do today?

And it's easy to invent stuff back then because there was nothing else about.

So, anything you needed, you come up with it.

I want to dry my hands, I've just washed my hands, do a towel.

Everything, anything you think of.

This soup's hard to eat.

What a spoon.

Do you know what I mean?

Where you can't, you think of something now.

You try and come up with something now that you need now.

Came up with a see-through toaster.

Do you know?

Because you always do that, you're thinking, is it done yet?

And you have to keep pressing the spring and then you end up breaking it because you forced a spring open.

See-through toaster.

Went online, typed it in.

It's already been invented.

Dragon's Den back then would have been a piece of piss.

Everybody who came in, that's a bloody good idea.

Get it made.

30.

Adair, the monastery.

Sitting at the summit of Jabal Adair is Petra's grandest monument of all.

Adair.

The name is the Arabic word for monastery.

Do take advantage of this moment and immerse yourself in the magnificence and mysticism of this historic place.

Right.

Yeah.

I can't even go in it.

That's ridiculous.

I mean, that's that's useless, isn't it?

Who's put them there?

That's, I mean, look.

But my point is, you sat in there, and that's your view over there.

If you look here,

point proven

you're better off living in the hole

looking at the palace, than living in the palace looking at the hole, aren't you?

So, Ricky and Steve can say I'm a knob.

I think that's been point-proven, isn't it?

But I wasn't just talking about buildings, I mean in life, even being a good-looking person or an ugly one, in a way, you're better off being the ugly one and you get to look at nice things.

You're looking at the nicer-looking people.

Doesn't matter about being ugly, how often do you look at yourself anyway?

Same thing.

Be the ugly one, look at the nice one.

What's that?

Who owns that?

Why is a dog so high up?

It's not going to show up that dog, is it?

Oh, fuck me.

Jesus.