Sky1 S1E2- India (October 1, 2010)

The seven wonders of the world:

Christ the Redeemer,

the Taj Mahal,

the Great Pyramids,

truly man's greatest achievements.

But there's one man who sees them differently,

like a pylon,

Carl Pilkington.

I don't know the politically correct term, Moron.

I think.

He is a round, empty-headed, chimp-like mang moron.

Buffoon, idiot.

Is that normal?

And he's a friend.

Oh, he's a typical little Englisher and he doesn't like going out of his comfort zone.

Follucks are squashed.

I just think that it'd be amazing to send him around the world.

What we'd like to see is him experience other cultures, other peoples, and see if in any way we can change his outlook on the world.

I've been to many exotic places.

I genuinely think travel broadens the mind.

I want him to hate it.

I want him to hate every minute of it for my own amusement.

Nothing is funnier than Carl in a corner being poked by a stick.

I am that stick and now I have the might of Sky behind me.

Shit!

Shit!

This is one of the funniest, most expensive, practical jokes I've ever done and it's going to be great.

Jesus Christ!

Now this you must be excited about seeing, surely.

This truly without question is one of the seven wonders of the world.

The extraordinary Taj Mahal.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Built in the 17th century, it took them 22 years to construct it.

Well, that's not good, is it?

Is that what happened now, Yugo?

What are they doing?

It's the 17th century!

A man who builds a mausoleum for his dead wife.

So heartbroken is he.

Guilty.

He obviously did something bad when she was alive.

That's like, you know, giving someone flowers, isn't it?

I've never had to do that.

I've never felt guilty.

I'll just give Suzanne somewhere.

No, because she'd be going, oh, I, what's been going on?

If I built her that, she'd be going, what's been going on?

Why did he feel he had to do that?

Because he loved her so much.

It was a shrine to her memory.

Yeah.

Just a little elephant going down the street there.

I can't imagine them being that good as a way of getting about.

To me, that's like how people moan in London about people having four befores.

You don't need an animal of that size to get about, it's way too big.

Getting ill is my biggest worry about being here.

I hate being ill.

You know, Suzanne isn't around, I'm on my own.

If I get ill, I'll just have to mope about on my own.

I mean, it's definitely the poorest place I've ever been to, you know, without a doubt.

And I don't know if I'll be able to get used to that.

Fucking runaway horse.

This is doing me adding this.

I mean, I'm meant to be meeting a local fella who rides one of these Rickshaw things for a living.

Making Steve thought it would be a good idea for some reason.

I can't work out what that reason is, though.

This is madness.

It's like standing in the middle of a motorway.

I mean, what a place to meet a fellow who's got a rickshaw.

The eyes have never been so busy.

There's always something there going, look at me.

And then you go, look at that, and as you turn that way, you see something over there.

So you're like that.

By the end of today, my neck will be well and truly worn out because it doesn't normally move that fast.

There's layers of madness.

What is that?

Where's he taking that?

You can't say he's taking it to the tip.

There's shit everywhere.

It just overloads the bike so much that you just kind of think,

get a van.

Is there any distinguishing features in this fella's rickshaw?

Hello, come here, come here.

Yeah, I know you.

I know you better.

Come here.

I'm Mr.

Ashik.

Ashik.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm a rickshaw driver.

Do you?

Mr.

Ricky has sent me.

Okay.

It's a bit of a mad place to sit and have a discussion.

Yeah, yeah.

Oncoming traffic.

Oh!

Oh,

wonder.

What's going on?

Because this boss up my ass here.

Oh.

That's good, thanks.

There's no way of getting around.

Oh.

Going through someone's cricket game.

How long have I been there?

I haven't even been there a full day yet.

I thought the day was going to end and

at least have a good night's kip.

That's not going to happen now.

Ashik's just invited me to stay with him.

He lives in the back of a shop.

You've got a shop, you live in it as well.

Yeah, I handle two jobs.

Rickshaw.

Yeah, I make kebabs.

This is my shop, made my cotton.

Hot today.

These are my friends.

Would you like here to stay or here?

Oh, I'll just sit down there if that's alright.

As you like.

So how would you sleep here?

Yeah.

What, just flat out there?

Yeah.

Tonight, how many will be sleeping here?

Two, three, four.

Can you understand why this is a little bit of a shock to me?

This is the real life of a person who is poor.

When I found out that he ran a shop from where he lived, I kind of thought it'd be, you know, how you see chippies and they sort of got a living room in the back.

And when you walk in, the bell goes, and they run out from watching Emmerdale Farm or whatever, and they say, What do you want?

I'll have cod and chips.

That's what I was expecting.

Not sort of.

I mean, what is this?

It isn't a living space, is it?

What's it lacking?

What's it lacking?

I mean, there isn't even a toilet, actually.

That's just only just hit me.

I was worrying about having to use a traditional toilet.

There isn't one, so that's that worry gone.

But then

what do we do?

We are

Indians and

we respect our guests.

I already take a room from my friend for you.

Special.

Okay.

So we're not staying here tonight.

No, no, no, no.

What makes you think I will be happier in in this other place?

Have they got a toilet?

Yeah.

Let's go then.

Yeah.

Let's go, okay.

Good.

You've sold it to me.

This is more like it.

This will do.

Here is your club.

This is toilet.

Toilet, brilliant.

Well, how do you go?

I don't understand the.

Go, go, go.

Turn, turn.

Hold on a minute.

I'm just getting my bounce.

Yeah.

That's it.

No paper.

I don't think I'll be able to go like this.

When?

Me, body's just not used to this.

All Indians are used these drives.

I know, but do you understand how difficult it is for me?

I've come from London.

Yeah.

Less than 24 hours ago, I was sat in one, newspaper, quite happy.

Not even 24 hours ago.

And now you're saying, come in here, give it that, you'll be alright.

It's not as easy as that for me.

My insides

won't allow it to happen.

It is better.

It can't possibly be better.

Why not?

Splashback.

I didn't want to get into detail.

No, no, no.

Seriously, this is better.

Well, you'll see tomorrow.

Because I'll tell you what, I'm getting first dibs on this.

And you'll see tomorrow if it's better.

When you come in here and you'll go, good God, who's been in here?

Let's see how good it is.

You're laughing, because you know I'm right.

Right.

Hopefully, I won't need to go.

Well, I didn't sleep well last night, did I?

I'm still shattered from yesterday.

I mean, that was a mental first day.

It doesn't look like it's going to end either.

I mean, Ashkach's just giving me some pajamas to wear.

He said, Oh, you'll be needing these for your next surprise.

I don't know what it is.

Yeah, I mean, surprises are meant to be nice things, aren't they?

What's that, Carl?

Just got a text from Steve.

Hi, Carl.

India's not all poverty and urban chaos, mate.

Well, obviously, hasn't been here because it is, So that's straight away that's annoyed me.

Time to get your ass up north for some exposure to the spiritual side of India.

The biggest religious festival on the planet, only 20 million pilgrims expected.

It knows they hate crowds.

Just one hurdle to get there.

It's an eight-hour overnight bus ride.

Excuse me, what's all this?

Why are they covered in

Jesus?

Yes, yes, yes.

Woolier!

I want to go to the bus station now.

Bus station.

You know, the big bus.

Big.

I don't know what's going on.

Just everybody just looks like they're painter and decorators.

Everyone is just caved in colours.

Happy Oliver!

Happy Holi!

I just hope we don't stop at any more traffic lights because every time we stop someone slaps my face with a load of collar.

The buses coming up.

Buses?

Is this the bus station?

Bus station.

Trying to get a bus.

You come with me.

Buses down here, yeah?

This is colour, this colour, this is colour.

This green, this yellow, this red.

Today's festival day.

Come, come with me.

Come, my family dance.

Your family.

Look, this is my family.

Happy honey!

Happy honey!

What are we doing here?

Abby!

Abioti!

I mean, normally, if I'm messing about with paint, I'm quite a tidy worker.

This wouldn't happen.

But I didn't have the time to not do it, did I?

I said, come and meet me family.

I'm like, alright, then next thing you know, it's like.

I mean, it is paintball, basically, without the safety.

There's no goggles involved.

It was just.

it was good that you know Ashek was concerned about my clothing and he gave me something to wear today.

He could have told me about the shoes.

You know, I mean, that's all very well telling me to worry about a t-shirt that I think was like 12 quid from Topman.

I've got 70 quid trainers on.

He didn't tell me to let them off.

So

they're knackered.

Yesterday, I thought I'd got used to it.

I thought, right, I'll be okay tomorrow.

Just when you think, right, I know what India means and I know what it, what it's all about,

this happens.

Anyway, where's this bus stop?

I'm not well, honestly.

I feel really sick, got fever.

I can't tell if if I'm sort of got a bad fever because you know I can't tell what colour I am with all the uh with all the dye.

But um what's that?

I don't care anymore.

I just sort of feel like if I'm gonna shit myself, I will

because I just feel that sort of ill.

That's never good news.

Is that it?

Is that the...

Oh, there's a queue here.

Just.

He's helping me out.

Yeah?

Is that alright?

Sorry?

Just a quick one.

Just a ticket to Agriva?

Kicking off.

I knew that would happen.

Yeah, I know.

I'm happy with it.

I mean, at the end of the day, are these all for the same bus?

You know I don't want to be sat on a bus for eight hours with some people who are you know pissed off with me.

Excuse me, thanks.

Excuse me.

I tell you what, it doesn't matter how amazing that Taj Mahal is, it's not worth all this.

And I haven't even seen it yet.

So I'm telling you that now.

And that isn't good.

Going with that attitude.

Alan Wicker, he did all these travel shows years ago.

Smart fellow with a suit on.

Never saw him covered in shit.

Never saw him knackered, whinging, moaning.

People will be watching it, going, no, what's wrong with you?

It's India, what do you expect?

Yeah, well, you're not here, are you?

Received 4.58pm.

Alright, mate.

I'll go in.

Just catch him up.

Just have him a cup of tea.

Just got back from New York.

Clever overnight,

close class, VA didn't get better than that.

Slept all the way after a few

glasses of champagne.

Those flatbeds are amazing, aren't they?

Yeah.

Speak to you later, boy.

Looking how it's going.

I don't know anything about the festival.

Just, you know, other than what Steve told me about it being a massive religious thing and it's by a famous river, you know, the Ganges, which I've heard of.

But other than that, I don't know where I'm going.

And on top of all that, you know, Ricky's told me that I'm staying at a place called Lahore House.

Sounds good, doesn't it?

Your tent is ready.

Tent.

Yes.

Tent, brilliant.

Haven't slept.

Been put in a tent.

Do you see?

This is alright, yes.

Bathroom.

This is well smart.

I wasn't expecting this.

Brilliant.

Bit of a stretch there for the toilet paper.

If I'm being picky, that distance.

But I'll tell you what, I am really chuffed.

Yeah, I've been camping, I've done tents before, but nothing like this.

I've got a normal toilet, which is handy because of the way I've been feeling.

Nice, comfy bed, view of that, you know, famous river.

Can't ask for more.

A lot of people say, going to India to find myself.

Good colour of that.

But what happens if I change and I go home and I'm all different?

Suzanne's going, What's happened to you?

And then she doesn't like the new me that I've found.

And then I'll start to hate myself because I'm not the person who I thought I was.

I know who I am.

Bloody hell.

I'm getting bills for Carl Pilkington left, right, and centre, so I hope I'm in.

Because if I'm not, I'm paying for someone else.

Not long with this, is there?

All this space, eh?

Honestly, I'm happy.

I can stay here now for the rest of the time, eh?

If I'm listening to him doing that,

isn't that me getting involved?

Isn't that enough?

Just saying, let's just have a few days, eh?

That's the Ganges.

Oh, look at that.

Isn't that a big part of India?

Let's focus on that for a bit.

It's not very interesting, Telly, to just stay here all day, very calm.

I don't know why Steve wants me to go to this religious festival because he knows I'm not into it.

The only things that's making me sort of interested a little bit is a bloke who's had his arm in the air for 12 years and the elephant babber.

Other than that, I don't know what's down there for me.

All right, mate.

How are you getting on, man?

Uh

well I've had better holidays.

It's not a holiday.

I have to keep reminding you it's not a holiday my friend.

You are making a travel programme for the television.

Now the Kummela Festival is the largest spiritual festival in the world.

All this spiritual stuff you keep harping on about.

It's not me.

Why do you think I'm interested in

spirituality or God?

You don't have to become Hindu.

Just go.

But that's like going to a brothel and saying, don't mind me, I'm just going to stand over here and watch.

Either you get involved or you shouldn't be there.

I thought you'd start to see how things are different around the world.

Your eyes are opened.

Yeah.

It's a beautiful, weird, extraordinary place.

Yeah.

And tonight I had some sort of new pudding that I've never had before.

Carrots with sort of milk and sugar on it.

Enjoyed it.

I'd have it again.

I don't know if I'll find it in London.

I wanna watch him eating carrots on the tennis

in HD.

Even in HD.

This is a bit weird, isn't it?

Are these are these the Baba people?

I mean they're meant to have special powers aren't they?

But look at them.

I mean I thought they'd be sort of more religious looking, do you know what I mean?

All prim and proper.

Some of them haven't even got pants on.

We are now in an area which is all different Babas.

Welcome.

You should take his listen.

First Baba.

You reminded me of Bill Oddie.

His feet are backwards.

Holy yoga.

Yoga.

Big power.

Big power.

Yeah.

And even though he's meant to be this mystical sort of man, different life and everything.

I just was looking at him thinking, I haven't seen the goodies for ages.

And then the other Baba looked like Jim Morrison.

There he was, starkbollock naked, shades on.

He was concerned about hurting his eyes in the sun, but wasn't worried about, you know,

sunburning his ass cheeks.

He's showing you some yoga bushes.

So he'll check.

He's showing a lot.

Yeah.

If you want to see more, you'll have to pay.

I don't want to see more.

Didn't know where to look.

Sticking his legs around the back of his head and everything.

I've got a right eye full.

Okay.

Can I try?

I just wondered how bendy my legs are.

That's all I'm tucking off.

Wow, I just heard something crack here.

Right, you ready?

Hang on.

Yeah, there is that babble out of the paper.

So could he explain the reason why he's decided to do this?

He has chosen this as a part of his way of communicating and his way of reaching to the God.

That to me

is ridiculous.

It's sort of most of the time my left hand is only helping out the right hand.

It's if I'm washing up, I pass it something.

That's it, or it just holds something whilst this one does all the work.

I understand that one arm is better than the other, but I'd never say, oh, but I don't need it.

Has anybody ever taken it further and done both?

Both arms?

And there are others also who do it with one leg up, both hands up, both the legs up, so they never stand on their feet.

That's no existence, is it?

We all dedicate our lives to something, don't we?

Been with Suzanne for 16 years.

That's dedication for

And I've got me two arms to do things for her.

Is he married?

How does he help around the house?

Albert, windows need cleaning.

You'll have to do them.

You know.

I mean, it's just a great excuse, isn't it?

Yeah, it was better than I thought it was.

You know, quite interesting.

And I'm going back tomorrow, aren't I, to see the elephant Baba.

He's got a head like an elephant.

Should be good.

I'm gonna go down to the Cumbermella Festival again, which is weird, isn't it?

Because I didn't want to go initially, but I found it quite interesting.

And the translator's called and he's told me that he's found the elephant Baba.

Oh, yeah, I can see him, yeah, I can see him.

Scan, yeah, yeah, if we dig up

when you're down there.

How is he feeling today?

Is he well?

Okay, good.

Okay.

He doesn't mind me looking at all this.

It's fine.

Yeah.

And does it have any sort of health issues with him?

Does he struggle doing anything?

He's quite healthy.

He does his yoga every day.

Could you get him to explain what effect it has had on living here and looking like this?

The main god for them is Ganesh, the elephant god.

And so they consider to be kind of an incarnation of Lord Ganesh.

It was how I thought it would be, you know, meeting elephant Baba.

He seems quite happy.

You know, he's doing what he can do with the way he's been born.

It was his mate, that surprised me more.

Whips his walking stick out.

Oh gosh.

I don't understand

what does that show?

He can do it just because he does yoga every day.

I've never heard of that sort of yoga.

Oh, what was that?

There was a crack.

When you're doing that every day, that's something you need, isn't it?

The walking stick.

It's handy that it's a two-in-one tool in a way.

but I don't understand this need here to let everyone know what you believe in

vandalizing his own sort of

knob and bollocks

yeah that was that was an added bonus I didn't know I was going to be getting that today

got a text message this morning from Steve He said, alright Carl, I was worried that you would not be able to understand spirituality.

So I've asked a a local saint to take you to his ashram for the night for some one-to-one discussions on the nature of life and higher levels of consciousness

and apparently I'm going to meet one of his disciples, a fellow called Davram.

Oh yeah.

Are you Davram?

America.

Davram?

America.

What?

Are you Davram?

Yes I am.

What do you mean American?

Oh I thought you said where did I come from?

Yes, my name is Dave Ram.

Dump from?

Yeah.

Dave, brilliant.

You're going to meet really one of the great saints of India.

And Swamiji has reached the height of spiritual development.

Just being in the presence of a master of that caliber elevates one's awareness.

And will he keep asking me if I'm feeling that?

No.

No.

No.

No.

Trying to think think of times in my life where I felt a bit different.

Right.

And I remember it was years ago

I nearly choked to death

on an ice pop.

I mean, mum had to give me, do you know the thing where you squeeze around the waist and sort of cough it up?

Right.

And I got my breath back.

And after that, I felt quite

alive.

Okay, Okay, well take that experience, magnify it many fold, and let it be uninterrupted.

Hey.

How are you, Swamiji?

Absolutely fine, absolutely fine.

It's good.

You are keeping good health?

I've been better.

You as an individual, you must be analyzing yourself whether you are body-oriented, mind-oriented, or soul-oriented.

I'd say mind.

Once you know how to channelize and systematize and synchronize systematically, then ultimately you could be the source of inspiration for millions.

Anyway, next thing you know, Swamiji says, I want to take you across the Ganges in a boat because he wanted to cleanse my soul or something.

I've never had it cleanse before.

She's having it dip.

So you will have to dip out Abdik.

I will take you there.

You will have to dip there.

I'm not dipping there.

No chance.

Not a chance.

You better sit then a sit.

Sit.

You're alright, Swami.

Oh, shit, I know.

Hang on.

Hello?

What's going on?

What's going on?

I'm just in the Ganges at the moment, just on a rubber dinghy with a 77-year-old man.

Oh, God.

It's not a great day.

That's so funny.

I'm sat on the front here.

of a rubber dinghy.

Can I call you back in a bit?

No, Balloon, just going out now.

I'll see you later.

Bye.

Tonight.

Bye.

I don't know, isn't it wrong though?

For me to get in there, it doesn't mean anything to me, does it?

It doesn't count, surely.

He said, You ought to go in the Ganges.

I said, No.

It is the best medicine on the earth.

Yeah?

Yeah.

It can heal you and it can help you and can inspire you.

And he left it at that, which I thought was quite good.

He didn't force it on me to go any further.

And then

he started stripping off.

So I had to.

It is a kind of divine madness.

Come on.

So sweet of you.

And I said, well, if you go in, I'll go in.

And he did.

So I had to.

Good health.

And I thought that was it, and then suddenly it's like, oh, well, let's dunk your head.

Yeah, Randolph.

Yeah.

You know, not once either.

You'd have to do it three times, eh?

Three dunks.

And you don't do that with a ginger note and a cup of tea.

That's a two-dunk.

So, do that.

He's happy.

And he was saying, oh, look what it's done to you.

You look full of life.

And it did wake me up a bit, but it is like minus five.

After having the bath in the Ganges, you have the new dress, Indian dress.

Back for a cup of tea?

A cup of tea and biscuit.

Have you got some biscuits?

I love the biscuits.

I feel like I can take a biscuit off you now.

I did that for you.

It's funny, isn't it?

Funny how things change.

I said I won't get in there.

I don't feel like I'm round some sort of special power, but he seems like a nice bloke, and that's all you want, really.

Nice bloke, makes you feel welcome in his gaff.

He's fed us, he's let me have a bed, messed about on his rubber dinghy.

You know, if that's what spirituality is about, and that's just being mates, really.

It's basic, innit?

It's about getting on with people.

He's a transformed man.

Look at this guy.

Very airy.

Subaratim, superatim.

See you in the morning.

Okay, collabing.

Same time.

Thanks to you again.

Please double yourself a little.

Alright, Carl.

Now I know you've got a long drive today to the Taj Mahal.

So Ricky and I thought you might like a little stop-off.

The cow is obviously a very important and profound creature in India.

So we've arranged for you to call in at a lovely little cow sanctuary.

Alright, now I know you think that sometimes Ricky and I do stuff just to annoy you, but this place is run by Harry Krishna's.

Alright, and when have they ever annoyed anyone?

I don't know why Steve sent me to look at a cow.

We've got them at home.

Anyway, as soon as I got in there, they had me on cow worship duty.

I'm giving it a sense of passing.

Here, we are going to be making some cakes.

Cow dung cake.

Is that fresh?

Yeah, this is fresh.

Anyway, these cow dung cakes, you know, it's a type of fuel.

You know, it shouldn't really have the word cake in it.

That's very good.

Here's as well, innit?

I thought it might have just been mud, but it is proper cow shit.

I mean, I was worried about the local thing about you know using your hand when you've been to the toilet.

I'm getting neck-iron cow shit.

Oh, god, I never thought I'd be doing that.

Been ill twice already, so this isn't going to help the situation, is it?

I thought I was on the way to the Taj Mahal today.

They said, Oh, let's stop over here.

No problem.

I see some cows.

What can go wrong?

And then, like, just as I'm leaving, you know, I'm thinking I'm getting out of there, they drag me into some sort of souvenir shop.

Soap.

Yeah.

Here we use cow dung juice.

Cow dung juice.

Yeah.

No one I know has ever been rushing around going into body shops saying, You haven't got any cow shit, have you?

Cow shit soap.

It's not needed.

So not necessary in life.

This is tooth powder.

Right, toothpaste, but

yeah.

And what's this made from?

Cow urine, cow dung, black pepper.

You can still like the cow without going that far with the with the shit and the paste.

This he can drink.

And over my arm then.

Oh god.

It was just like old man paste, sort of when your granddad's bin hasn't flushed.

And you drink that.

Yeah.

This is what all kind of hair problems.

It cures baldness.

Yeah.

Come all the way to Windia.

Sticking cow shit on your head.

If I said get stuff out of a chicken and rub it over your head, they'd go, don't be stupid.

But because it's a cow and it's this sort of religious animal it's just yeah drink it straight direct get the tail

it's just too much i think it's it annoyed me a bit

i've still got bits under my nails

no it's starting to do my heading again just you know

even like that travelling today normally i like travelling around sat in a car looking out of the window looking at life going on but it's not it's not a nice thing to do in india honestly i just want to go home.

Oh, Jesus, the sting.

The eyes are burning.

Alright, Carl, it's Steve for me.

Ricky and I thought, you know, as it's approaching the end of your time in India,

we thought we would treat you.

So we've butched you into the honeymoon suite of a hotel with a view of the Taj Mahal to give you a little bit of a morale boost.

So enjoy it, mate.

See you soon, mate.

Oh, no,

This is the hotel.

Yeah, this is the hotel.

This one?

Yeah, this is.

This is the inende.

This hotel's got a honeymoon suite.

Hilkington honeymoon suite.

Good at it.

It's good.

Honeymoon sweet.

This isn't a honeymoon sweet.

Who'd have a honeymoon, eh?

What's that?

Oh, what's the cupboard for?

Alright.

Sort of an en suite shed, which is quite handy.

Oh, god, it stinks.

Look me, what a shittle.

Some papers.

It's this one, a dartboard.

Hmm.

I thought that was going to be the fridge to the room.

Terps, paintbrushes, good one.

I mean, that's what you want on your honeymoon, isn't it?

Really?

Every time you have a smell of ron seal, oh, that takes me back to our special night.

I can't see the Taj.

He said you look straight out there.

That's what you can see, that

it's madness that a dead body's staying in something half decent like that.

I mean,

I ate it, honestly.

I really ate it here.

Fuck this, I'm not staying here.

Can't be half with this.

Carl, where you going?

Carl!

Carl!

Carl, where are you going, mate?

Fucking no, I just...

I'm not staying in that room.

What's it about?

Well, I don't think anyone near it is quite as bad.

I mean, it's not...

Your room's not that bad compared to ours.

It stinks as shit.

What do you mean it's not that bad?

It fucking stinks.

It's just that I've been here for like ages.

I'm knackered.

I haven't slept.

It's another noisy road.

I've been ill.

Do you know what I mean?

It's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

I bet many a blog spent a night in here on their own, even though it's a honeymoon suite.

I bet the woman says, that's it, it's over.

Is this where you bring me for my wedding night?

Forget it.

Six in the morning.

Been awake all night, throwing up.

Just been coming out the other end.

I'm not feeling my best, to be honest.

So So it's your first proper glimpse of the Taj Mahal Carl.

How's it feel?

Fine.

It's not bad.

It took 20 years to build.

He built it for his dead wife.

I just think it was a case of keeping himself busy.

They say that, don't they?

When someone dies, it's a loss in your life.

So give yourself a little project to do.

It's quite a big project, though, isn't it?

Yeah.

I mean, did he treat her well when she was knocking around?

Well, she was one of four wives.

Know what I mean?

One of four wives.

No, I had three other wives.

I shouldn't have done that, really.

Let's stick her in something nice.

Now she's dead.

It's too late.

It's too late, mate.

Come crawling back once she's dead.

Ramesh.

Hi, I'm Carl.

Nice to meet you, sir, and welcome to the Taj Mahal.

Thank you very much.

When you look at the Taj Mahal from the next arch, like a Taj Malina frame, beautiful like at the postcard view.

Yeah, it works well, hasn't it?

Nicely, nicely fits in, doesn't it?

Yes.

Your dream come true.

You're in front of this beautiful building, majestic.

Is this part of your tour?

Yeah.

There you can see a beautiful reflection view of Tashmalk like a buy one get one free Buy one get one free good offer

Next step

Sir you can see the Princess Diana chair when it was a 1992 she came here she took the post from here

Daphne the tourists all love the Princess Diana chair queuing up to sit down on the chair that Princess Diana sat on.

Load of nonsense.

We're after these two, right?

Yes, sir.

That's your turn.

Alright.

Just a sausage factory.

Sit down, look miserable.

Next.

Yes, hands on the knees.

That's the style.

Very nice.

Is that good?

You have a photogenic face.

Touchman is beautiful, you are more handsome.

Got any feelings coming up?

Stomach's better now.

It's fine.

I met more of an emotional nature being here.

How can you have an emotional feeling, eh?

It's like 40 people stood around.

Princess Diana had it closed off, didn't she?

She could sit here and think about

stuff.

But compared to out there, this is peaceful.

And I think that's why Diana came here.

That's why she looked fed up.

She probably had the ships for two days.

Sick of the racket.

Crap hotel.

She's like, God, when am I going home?

Nothing to do with a marriage breakup.

It's India.

The main white structure, four sides symmetrical.

Look from all sides, same view.

Right.

So by the center line, touch multi-wide like a mirror image.

Half this side, half other side.

Isn't it?

Exactly.

Yes, sir.

I find it odd, to be honest.

He's built for a dead person, yet he was doing all that symmetrical stuff.

He's like, hang on a minute.

It's almost like having a gravestone with a suduko on it.

What is it?

Is it a place to sort of remember someone, have a special moment, or is it a place to go and have a puzzle?

It's like that thing, have you ever done that thing where you have a mirror and you go like that in the mirror

and it looks like

both sides are going.

It's the same idea, isn't it?

This is the best way to see it for me, this.

It's not the best river I've ever been down.

I think I've just seen a fish with three heads.

But I just like the peacefulness.

Alright boys.

Alright.

What's going on?

Yeah, I've just been to see the Taj.

Oh, yeah?

Any good?

Yeah, it's alright, you know.

I was pretty impressed.

What's your impression of India in general?

I ate it.

Well, Steve said he had a lovely time in India, so I don't know who to believe.

I stayed at a place that had an en suite shed.

Did he stay there?

He stayed in a place that had an en suite shed.

And this is like the final view of it, innit, before I go home.

Steve, have a quick word of Carl.

Hello.

Alright, mate, how's it going?

Yeah, so it's fine here, mate.

How's it going there, more importantly?

It's been interesting, Steve.

I've learnt a lot, I've seen a lot, I've done a lot, I've shat a lot.

I mean, just over there, we cremate bodies over there, so you're never that far away from a bit of weirdness in India.

Even here, probably on the telly, you're going, That looks lovely.

Wildlife going on there, the sun going down, the Taj Mahal.

Hang on, what's that?

There's a lot of dead bodies at the back.

Hang on, Richard, what's another word?

Queen is dead, you're gonna go and see a nice building, but before that, you're gonna possibly shit yourself to death for 10 days.

I don't reckon you'd have gone, definitely not.

This has been the only building in India that has a bit of normality to it.

So maybe that's why it's a wonder.

Yeah, I can't see anything matching this one, to be honest.

Pretty serious for me, that, innit?