BONUS: Karl vs Steve (Compilation)

And the little bald mank twat that is the shaven monkey known as Carl Pilkington.

Right.

Now, Rick, just a quick question, because if people have just stumbled across this perhaps on the internet or on their TV channel, they're probably going to be a little bit alarmed by what you've said there.

You've come straight in with little bald man twat, and a lot of people don't know that little bald mank twat is, so maybe you should clarify.

Well, um, I was gonna say

I'm Ricky Gervais, you probably know me from such shows as The Office and Extras, Cameos in the Odd Film.

My long-term partner, not in that way, Stephen Merchant.

Not in that way.

Stephen Merchant, yes, I was involved with some of those projects, but I've not been in a film.

And

we met Carl when we went back to XFM as Conquering Heroes.

We were let go when XFM changed hands.

And then we did The Office.

And then we came back.

And we were big shots.

No longer did we need to run the desk or press any buttons.

So we were assigned,

how can I put this?

Like a stupid lackey.

Yes.

Yes.

Proper str I mean probably the person who was lowest on the rung.

I'd have thought so.

They said, oh, give it to me.

No one wants to work Saturdays.

It didn't work Saturdays.

So they gave us Carl.

And we met Carl.

And I was first struck by the roundness of his head, I'll be honest.

I thought this is a bald man,

a little round-headed, bald freak of a man.

He opened his mouth, he spoke funny.

Actually, he spoke without opening his mouth.

That was the second thing that struck me.

He just had this slat-jawed gimpness about him.

Words came out.

I think they get the idea now, anyway.

Do you feel that that was a balanced explanation of your meeting with us?

Or would you like to offer any extra detail there, Carl?

Well, with every meeting, there's a different story, isn't there?

The The way you sort of looked at me and thought, he's weird.

I saw Steve.

It was like a triangle.

Ricky was looking at me, I was looking at you, thinking that's weird.

It seems

unjust that I'm the one.

You know, why aren't you having a go at Ricky for being fat and just because, no, I'm just saying on the first meeting, it's like a museum, isn't it?

Everybody rushes to the weird stuff first.

I love the fact that you're putting yourself firmly in that category as well, though.

Oh, I love that.

That's great.

Like someone from Reservoir Dogs.

Everyone looking at someone else.

But you don't feel that way about me anymore.

No, I've got used to it.

No.

That's what I'm saying.

That's what I'm saying.

Whatever your accusations of weirdness were, they all were unthankable.

It moves on, doesn't it?

It's like anything.

You get used to a look, don't you?

I watch a lot of programmes on stuff that people have up with them.

You only watch programmes about people that got something wrong with them.

That is what you do.

If ever you say, do you see that thing last night?

It's going to be something like

the kid who was born with too many legs or

the baby with an ass for a head.

It's always going to be stuff like that.

It's like there was a programme on a bit back about a fellow who had a funny head and what have you, and he lived in a small village.

And nobody double-taked anymore because you get used to it, don't you?

What was up with his head?

Just had like a, it was sort of like the new elephant man.

He'd sort of gone for that look.

He'd gone for that look.

Well, what does he do in the morning?

Just eat a bun, sort of shave.

It's just that's what all I'm saying is people in his village, it want a big village, people were used to it and they no longer stared and that's what I'm saying with you.

But it's interesting that because you've like you say you've acclimatised to my so-called weirdness.

I don't know what weirdness that is.

I've still not grasped that.

But Ricky continues.

Why are you listening?

I've not had a go at you in your stupid f ⁇ ing round head like a f ⁇ ing orange.

Which is the thing which perpetually entertains Ricky.

Ricky has never acclimatised to you.

Is that fair, Rick?

Yeah, I love it.

I just can't get enough of him.

Because I see different things.

Every time I look at Carl, sometimes I see like a completely sort of like spherical object.

Right, like a,

honestly, like some sort of pumpkin.

I'm, you know, a Halloween.

And then I see him, I see...

flat straight.

About a pumpkin, Rick.

With a jack-o-lantern outside someone's house, right?

There is a certain light behind the eyes.

Not with Carl.

And then sometimes it looks like a plate.

Do you know what I I mean?

You know, like a clay plate that a child has made.

When they've made a face on the plate using their food.

Or a biscuit.

Like one of those biscuits, novelty biscuits you can buy.

Yeah.

Carl, do you just want to have a dig at me?

Because it's coming up to two o'clock and you've not really put a lot of effort in today.

Slagging me.

He doesn't do it on purpose.

No, he doesn't do it on purpose.

He's just an honest northerner and he can't lie.

He's like George Washington, but without the wooden teeth.

Yeah.

I don't think your heart's in it anymore either, Carl.

I was alright today, but Steve's really dragged me down.

Well, let's stay there.

I just need to know why.

No, do you know, like, people are being miserable around you?

I was full of beans when I came in.

If you remember last week, you were really miserable, and that really waned me up.

Yeah, because he was down to two stuff.

You know, he'd been let down and they were worried about the next show.

You were in a terrible mood.

Yeah, looking at your songs.

I wasn't like going off and lying on the settee, looking ill, and talking in that voice.

Oh, he's done you again.

just now being quite friendly

carl have you ever tried to get into the monarch for free because i'll be honest mate it's not gonna happen for you come out with me mate you got a quid off all right

oh well you can get in places in cams and for free

yeah oh yeah he's done you

do you don't care about the job i mean i've got to ask because you know i mean if i was in charge i'd worry about your motivation or because we yesterday we were trying to work out what you enjoyed doing and we got to

Manchester United and moaning and that is that is the two we came on I don't know where you get the moaning thing you're always whinging about what everything what when when did I last have a moan uh just before we came on air right and why was that um I don't know I can't remember because we were in good mood we were in a good mood me and Rick I'll tell you why

because you brought a song in at 10 to 1 yeah with a load of effing and Jeffin in it yeah saying can you edit this yeah yeah

but that's your job you could have brought it in yesterday no I couldn't

why Why not?

I hadn't thought of it.

But

why are you injuring?

That's your job.

And I didn't come in 10 minutes before.

It was a good 20 minutes before.

It just took you ages because you were whinging and moaning to even get started.

How did you meet your girlfriend?

Through work.

What, through her work?

You found out and said to you.

You're at work to have the same place.

Oh, you're right, right, right, right.

You're quite an enigma, aren't you?

Could you give us more on that?

At work.

You met her at work.

What, she came in selling sandwiches?

She was going through the bins outside.

What do you mean, you were aware?

Why are you having an attack on me?

All I'm doing is something lonely.

Oh, he's done you again.

He's done you again.

Yeah, but what I thought was interesting was I just scratched at him and he just went mental.

Yeah, no.

It's like a bear caught in a trap.

It's funny, innit?

You'll never learn.

Well, I was just interested to find out what the story was because it might be a really romantic story.

Well, it's not.

Alright, geez.

I'm not afraid he doesn't want to talk about his love affair.

I was thinking about you in the week and like...

Does it worry you I mean you sort of joke about it now and we're talking about it in the office you know like oh is Steve really touch about the way he looks and oh what's this where's that come from he's done it again he's done you again I was walking on the other night and I was thinking about it

and do you worry that when you're old you will be on your own

you did start it though didn't you well Kyle I'm glad you've brought this up because no no because I I mean for me you know a lightweight frothy entertainment show on XFM on a Saturday afternoon is exactly the place

where I want to discuss the desperate, lonely future that's inevitably coming my way.

Oh god, I'll tell you what, we'll cheer you up and forget all that, a bit of embrace.

Oh, no.

One of the most hated bands.

Do you know when I left the poor in a bit of a mood because I was just fed up with not getting anything done?

Yeah.

Walking down the road, I was thinking, how can I get out of this?

How can I stop having to work with them?

I'm thinking, I wonder if I leave, I wonder if they'll be funny and they'll go, and then my boss will be giving me a stick.

I'm thinking, how much notice have I got to give out?

And all this is going through my mind.

I'm walking home and I got in, said to Suzanne, I'm sick of it.

She's going, you need to do it.

We want to get a new kitchen.

And I was like, yeah, but how big does the kitchen need to be?

I was saying, do we need a big kitchen?

Can we get a small one?

Have we got enough for a small kitchen?

Do we need so many cupboards?

Can we just have wood instead of steel?

All this, try to get out of doing this.

Yeah.

I always feel I've, you know, because I like to think that I'm not perhaps as bad as him.

Yeah, and they annoy me in different ways.

Like what?

How does he annoy you?

Well,

stuff that, you know, I come up with ideas, say cheapest chimps.

Yeah.

Rockbusters springs to mind.

15 Taiwan.

15 Taiwan.

Let's just remind people what 15 Taiwan was.

It was a little feature that I wanted to give a run, you know, give it a little run, see if people like it.

The premise being?

No, there's no premise, just a title.

No, we were going to get 15 sort of ornaments.

You'd explain them.

them, and then people would call up and say, that I'm from Taiwan.

Carla, you've just explained why I didn't think that was a good idea.

By explaining the good idea, you know, the funny thing is, Steve, right, I was walking down Regent Street on Monday, walked past one of these big stores, right?

And they've got all famous quotes on the windows.

Right?

And one of them was something like, An absurd idea is often a great idea.

Do you know who said that?

Go on.

Einstein.

Yes.

Which made me wonder: if you were his mate, would he ever have done E equals M C squared?

Or would you have said, don't bother with that?

It's not going to work.

Because that's all you seem to do.

Everything I come up with, you put down.

Yeah.

Well, that's one thing.

He's negative, right?

I don't know why.

I don't know why he is.

What else?

He messes me about.

I get him concert tickets for stuff, and you say, Oh, I didn't bother going.

Yeah, yeah, that is annoying.

You come in

five minutes to go with tracks that need editing.

The little bag, that bag that was free.

Yeah, you got a free bag today, an XFM little rucksack thing.

You were like, oh, what's this?

What's this rubbish?

Ricky said, I'll have it.

They're great.

You said, oh, I want it.

Yeah, but it was free.

I needed it.

I'll give that as a gift or something.

So, I mean, I think on reflection, Steve is probably a little bit more annoying than me.

I won't go that far.

You are, you are annoying.

If I had to go away for a week somewhere,

if it was a quiet place.

You are again, aren't you?

That's two orders you had this week.

This year, I mean.

If it was a busy place, I'd probably go with you you because people, you know what I mean, staring at me all the time, and that if I'm walking around with Steve.

No, I'm just.

Can I draw up a list of reasons I don't like you for you?

Just being honest.

Come on.

I'll tell you, because the list of reasons I don't like you is incredibly long.

I'm getting longer.

Just saying.

Do you want another slap?

Been very quiet weak.

Uh been checking uh I was looking in books last night and stuff.

Uh so is there any monkey news?

I I've I've got some but just because it's not that good something else I found out that I thought I'd share with you.

Go on.

I was looking in the Guinness Book of Records, right, because I thought they'll have something in there about monkeys or something, right?

Uh and there's a little monkey I think it lives in Asia, right?

Uh there's loads of them live in Asia.

And um something they found out, I don't know if they've got it right, and that's why I want to bring it up.

Apparently,

it's the mammal, right,

that's got

sort of the pointiest eyes, eyes that pop out of their head,

Steve.

Now,

the thing is right

I thought that's interesting.

Yeah

apparently it's got it's it's the biggest with the sort of goggle eye type thing

apparently

they they come out of their head

1.6 centimetres 1.6 centimetres.

What do you mean they protrude?

Yeah, protrude from the head at 1.6.

Okay.

What how long?

Have you got a ruler, Rick?

1.6.

I'll tell you, I'd be a little bit annoyed if the monkeys beat me.

Well, I don't think it has.

That's what I'm hoping.

Is there anything we can...

I mean, what's 1.6?

Can you?

It's about.

Drop your trousers.

It's

well, oh, well, three-quarters of an inch.

What do you think?

I don't know.

Have they got it right or what?

Maybe I should come down to Monkey World with you next week.

So, anyway, so that's that's not the monkey news, that's just something that cropped up.

I do know once when we were playing Paul in the office, I think Lucy was your partner.

Yeah, it was me and Ash versus you and Lucy, and you were having trouble because his glasses glasses kept slipping down so lucy pushed his glasses up his nose but the glasses touched his eye

uh

yeah

he started it he started it well you're the one who joined in no i know and i feel i'm i feel bad now yeah

He makes me nervous when he goes, yeah.

It's like, play a record.

I'm just trying to think about which part of your fat middle-aged physique i can pick on the tits would be a good thing yeah yeah oh the belly sure oh what do you think of that oh that that's what is that

waiting for

by the way red hot chili peppers on xfm 104.9 so a few more shows

i i hope so only uh happy they should encourage you know we've only been radio you know a couple of years exactly encourage young tal you encourage young young talent like you.

Yeah.

Instead of giving it to Radio 1 and Radio 2 and the old war horses.

We just had a quick email.

I wonder if you could answer this.

It's James from NWL.

He says, Ricky, is Carl going to be on this week's show?

Please let me know, as I may listen if he's not.

Sadly, he is here.

I mean, people are already turning against you, Carl, because they've seen what's happened.

I think they've probably realised that we've just been.

I think we gave him too much.

Exactly.

I think we've got a spoiled sort of kid now, and it's sort of like, you know,

we knew how bad he was, but we were trying to sort of bring him out of his shed a little bit.

Yeah.

Encourage, you've got to encourage sort of

children like Carl

to

fend for themselves.

But I like the fact that Dickie Anderson had that wonderful rant.

I mean, it was an articulate email, it was quite long, and he must have typed it immediately.

I'm thinking, because he's a fan of the show and he thinks I'm a you know a genius, we need a PA,

don't we?

Yeah, yeah.

Do you reckon he'd come and work for us?

Oh.

Well, he can't be any worse than what we've already got.

Oh no.

You know.

So, there you go, then, we're giving up we're giving up radio.

We're going to concentrate on television.

Carl's going to probably go back to what, your little just doing your sound.

The thing I won a silver for at the Sonies.

Funny that, isn't it?

Oh, you won a silver, did you?

I got a silver, yeah.

No, I wanted that for doing the proper job that I do here in the week.

Oh, no, it's two of you for a start.

Yeah.

Well, there's three of us.

Can't even get a bronze.

Now who's the weak link?

Right.

Well, a bit weird, eh?

Let's get, let's look, let's not argue.

We haven't got many shows to do.

To be fair, though, this show is.

I think it's more to do with the fact that you talk on this show that has brought us down.

Right, Amsterdam, it's an ugly today.

No, well, this is an award-winning show, potentially.

We'll add this one in for next year.

If you could just keep stumb, we might have a chance.

Alright.

Well, coming up, right.

Let's put it behind us.

Okay.

Let's draw a line under it.

Stephen co-wrote and directed the office and extras with me.

You may have seen him in Extras as the agent.

You may have seen him briefly in The Office.

He is a goggle-eyed freak.

You're referring to the character there, are you?

Yeah, whatever.

Thanks.

No, no, it's just a little easier.

I'm just trying to paint a picture for people at Christmas.

Sure.

Steve.

Yeah.

I wouldn't say goggle-eyed, I think goggle-eyed freaks harsh.

You know,

these are designer specs.

And yeah, admittedly, I'm a little bit tall, but

six foot seven.

Yeah, but let's not have a good.

Carl, we've got more or less late i think we should play a record we've done introductions

but do you remember the first time we saw steve well let's let's pop a little song on on that all right chat about it in a bit all right bruce winstein bit of bruce winston

now uh it's difficult to describe carl i just think you'll have to get to know him over the next um two hours but um we have um

taken the liberty of getting some stuff ready for you if you want to find out more about him if you go to rickyjavains.com we've put up a special little page go into who's Carl, and we've put a little biography up of him and loads of pictures.

And you have never seen a head rounder.

He looks like Mr.

Spoon from Button Moon.

Yes.

Do you know what I mean?

Or Bodhisattvas?

There's a little bit of Charlie Brown in there.

He's even got a little striped shirt.

It's perfectly rounded.

It's balding, like to, and it's not, it's not a sort of like a good balding.

It's sort of like, he looks like a worn tennis ball.

Do you know what I mean?

He's got a little bit of growth.

It's not that sort of Teddy Savalis cool bald.

No, it's just a scruffy little, I don't know what it is.

Happy Christmas night.

What do you think of that then, Carl?

Your introduction to the nation.

Well, you know, if we're going to start picking on looks and stuff, like you mentioned before, we can go over everyone in this room.

Cool.

I mean, let's make it fair.

Let's have a chat about Steve over there.

What?

What are you talking about?

Well, do you know how sort of I felt when I first saw you?

Wait, wait.

Right, don't go mad, Steve.

Let Carl speak.

Right, this is his platform.

No, no, I'm just saying you just said about painting a picture.

Yeah, go on then.

I wouldn't paint a picture of that.

No, I'm not, Steve.

You know, I'm not having a go, mate.

What do you mean you're not having a go?

It sounds like you're having a go.

Well, what did you think when you first saw him when he first walked into that room all those years ago?

Sort of thought he looked like a cartoon.

No, no, Steve, you know, but you know that you look a little bit odd.

This isn't like a shock to you.

You've had this.

How old are you now?

31.

Like 31.

What do you look like as a baby?

I mean.

Why is this a character assassination?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm just saying what it was like.

I'm used to you now.

When I see you, I don't sort of double take anymore.

I just.

He's coming out with this.

No, but, you know, when you popped in and that, it was just a bit of a shock.

And now, you know, I've got used to it and that.

Good, you're happy now.

You can cope now.

Hold on.

You were shocked when you saw Steve Merchant.

You told me once you went to school with two fellas who had big heads and webbed hands and feet.

And they weren't related.

Why were there two people like that at your school?

And yet you find Steve freaky.

You never said freaky.

You said freaky.

You said freaky.

Carl, it was you that worked out the maths and worked out I was 28.

Because they've just worked out I'm 27.

You are 27.

No way.

Yeah, I asked you, didn't I?

And I said.

No, but what I sort of questioned was, I said, well, if you're 27 today, that means last week you were 26.

Well, well done, yeah.

That's irrelevant.

So therefore you assumed that i must be 28 then yeah whereas i i assumed you were using you know your knowledge of maths such as it is i won't do that no sure sure wow i i actually got lost in that conversation because i didn't i genuinely didn't know what he meant with would mean last week you were 26.

i don't know what that meant i don't know what it meant wow well it is steve's birthday

would have been 26 last week

Sometimes you genuinely frighten me because it's those staring eyes.

There's nothing behind them.

It's this little bald head.

Looks like Davros looking at me.

Genuine, just genuine fear on his face when he enters into a conversation with another human being.

Don't you understand?

If he's 27 today, he would have been 26 last week, and he doesn't look 26.

He didn't look 26 last week.

He looks older than 28 today.

You've started on his birthday, you're still having a go at it.

Carl, I don't look like the kind of hot stud that I actually am.

But face first, that's the truth.

Yeah,

with him from there.

Geez.

Carl, just

I don't want to.

I'm not stirring it, right?

You started a little bit of a war with Steve, you always have to stir it.

Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this is stirring right now, this is the terminology.

But do you know that the fellas in your school

the big heads and webbed feet and webbed hands?

But but they hung around together, did they?

I don't think they did.

And they were nothing to do with each other?

No.

I think people expected them to sort of knock about together.

But they must have thought, oh, that'd be too obvious.

But But where did you live near a power plant?

I mean, why did you have I don't think it had anything to do with that, though?

Just sometimes you get a little look at Steve, he didn't live near a power plant.

Listen, can I just stop you there, right?

No, let me just stop you there because I it always happens.

As soon as we, you know, it's supposed to be a nice day, and suddenly you're having a go, right?

Now, this is what this got sent on the email, okay?

Now, this is not me saying this.

This is someone who's forwarded a review that was put on the web.

It was a review of your appearance on one of Ricky's stand-up comedy DVDs.

Okay, I'm reading, I'm quoting this, this is not me saying it.

It says that Carl, through a combination of his intriguing way of thinking and slightly less than human appearance,

Carl may just be the proof needed to muffle the cries of creationists the world over.

As this missing link demonstrates that not only did man evolve from apes, but the process isn't quite finished yet.

Okay, now that's someone else, an external person's opinion of you.

The terrible thing about that is Carl's feelings aren't hurt because he didn't understand a word of that.

I said the word creationist, that lost it.

That lost it.

You just got to remember that Carl, you know, when people say they're talking talking to their cat and they go, oh, look, look at him, look at us.

It's like he can understand what we're saying.

Well, Carl's got that look, but you know he can't understand

what you're saying.

All right, Carl?

No, but all, I mean, now we're talking about your head and that, right?

When you go back to, say, your mum and dad, it's Christmas time, right?

There's a lot of people travelling up and down the country going back to the mum and dad.

They've probably haven't seen them all year, right?

When you go back,

is it a shock to them again?

No, do you know like how you get used to how someone like I say, say I'm used to you I see you a few times a week.

I don't do the double take but what I mean is when you go back to this sort of go oh here he is

play record this is it's like let's leave it then let's move on then because I'm gonna get angry and we haven't even got it it's not even got 25 pounds Christmas little bit of salmon and garfunk yeah oh it's beautiful

So what have you been doing this week Steve?

Well I'll tell you what at the beginning of the week I was incredibly annoyed by Carl.

Why?

No, well no, because you I remember you had a little discussion with Carl a while back saying that you thought he was lazy at times and you know you had various criticisms of his work.

And I got a call from him.

He said oh yeah I should have told you I had a phone call.

Someone said that they were trying to get hold of Steve Merchant to offer him some lucrative voiceover work.

Now you know that is money for old rope.

It's money for old rope.

That's about you're in there for about 20 minutes and it's thousands of dollars.

If there are children listening who are still at school, they should definitely, when the careers guy says, what do you want to do, try and get voiceover?

Just become a voiceover artist.

It's money for old rote.

So I can't believe my luck because, you know, I love money for old rote.

And I said, well, what was the information?

He said, oh, I don't know.

I deleted the message.

It was on his answer when he deleted the message.

I said, right, when did the message come?

He said, last week.

So he took a week to tell me that he had deleted the message.

Why, just because it wasn't for you?

I mean, I don't know how selfish that is, Carl.

No, what happened is, right, I got back off holiday.

I was at home.

Yeah.

So I called up my voicemail because I can do that.

Yeah.

Remote access, right?

Because I know what's going on at work.

Of course.

Called in, it was still my day off.

I was going through the messages.

Yes.

Heard one from some company saying, we're after Steve Merchant.

We want him to do some voiceover work.

I can't remember the name of it, but they thought, right, I'll remember to tell Steve.

A week later.

It doesn't matter, does it?

You still got the message.

And they

get voiceovers have to be done in the next couple of days.

I didn't get the message.

All I got was there was a company, I don't remember the name, and they phoned you the voiceover.

How does that help me?

There are hundreds of thousands of media companies.

You didn't take down a number, you didn't take down a name, nothing.

I was more puzzled why they'd want you to voice anything.

I don't know why.

I don't listen to that.

You must be annoyed.

You must be annoyed.

I mean, talk about rubbing salt into the wound.

I will listen to you.

Oh,

God.

I don't know how you think.

I don't know how your mind works.

Well, I was thinking there must be a tractor sale on somewhere.

I can't.

What do I care?

What's going on with him?

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I don't care if they want me to advertise, you know, the latest designs in pirate fashionwear.

I will do a voiceover because it's money for the road.

I don't care what you think of my voice.

Someone was interested.

They're offering me money.

And you decided arbitrarily, oh, they probably wouldn't want it, they probably made a mistake.

They wouldn't like the way he talks anyway.

I'll delete the message.

No, the thing is, right, I get a lot of people.

What if I be a girl?

I get paid to sit here on a Saturday, right?

Play C D's and that, help out with the show, get you decent prizes.

I think I do me bit.

Sure.

Right?

It isn't about running your voiceover work.

So hang on.

So, Carl, let me just get this right.

If someone was ever to phone me, right, trying to get in touch with you, to offer you work, you'd want me to just ignore the message.

That is what you're saying to me.

You'd prefer that I deleted the message, I ignored it altogether.

That's what you'd want for me to do.

That's what you'd want me to do.

What, someone's calling you for something?

Someone's phone me.

They say, oh, I can't.

I don't know.

I'm a friend of a friend.

I've got your number, Steve.

I would love to use Carl Pilkinton for

an eighth-what you're

Well, I'm saying, in the future, if it was to occur, if it was to occur, do you want me to just ignore it?

Is that what you prefer for me to do?

Well, it's not like that, though.

I did tell you.

I told you the message.

You didn't tell me.

What?

You told me a week later with none of the information I needed.

Carl,

that doctor called last week.

That kidney's ready for that little girl that you were doing that sponsored walk for.

I forgot to tell you.

Oh, I have to say alright.

They keep it on ice, don't they?

I think think they do.

Selfish, Carl.

So selfish.

And you've lost us the same.

Beautiful bit of snoop on XFN.

Yeah?

Kicking it with

the sky.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sweet, sweet, sweet.

Steve Merchant and Carl Pilkington.

What has happened to Carl?

Because Carl, I thought, as you know, is this sort of sweet little buffoon, almost childlike in his ways, you know what I mean?

Like Charlie Brown after some sort of head injury.

And now he's

and now he's coming back like that, having a go, not caring about voiceover work.

It's like, because he had written about him a couple of weeks.

It's like he thinks he's better than you in some way.

I do care, though.

You're out of order saying that, right?

Because I've sorted you out with tickets for stuff.

He isn't tearing up to.

Carl, I received a phone call.

You deleted the message offering me voiceover work.

You're as bad as my agent.

I don't.

I'm appalled by it.

And I thought we were were friends.

Ah, at least his agent, when he does it, is losing himself money as well.

Exactly.

You've got no comeback.

You're still sweet.

And to have a go at is you've got a mank whine in a voice.

Like a cartoon Gallagher brother on Coronation Street.

I mean, and Steve's what I mean, yes, Steve does sound like a Wurzel, but that doesn't.

Do you know what I mean?

What about Jethro?

Jethro does well.

Jethro gets on Des O'Connor anytime he wants.

Just have the phone des up.

And he's on there.

Straight on.

And he's whining like a Wurzel as well.

So, you know, to say that that is...

All right, apart from that then, what else have I done?

That's wound you up.

But

that's a good starting point because you haven't even apologised.

It's a shock because that's the first time I've let you down.

And I didn't really let you down because I passed on the message.

You didn't.

Well, we've been through it.

You didn't pass on the message.

Saying I deleted a message for you is not passing on the message.

I mean, I just think what's happened is that you've got a little bit of celebrity now from the show.

I mean, I've seen you being recognised in pubs and stuff, or people have come up and they said, are you, Carl, the dinner, because they've seen Ricky.

Now, it just seems to me that you are not keeping yourself grounded you are just you cannot deal with fame you've not got the intelligence to cope with the celebrity and you're just becoming this kind of ego driven watching now it's kidding now it's kidding that scares me carl you're not the man i remember

i i put a lot of work into this

isn't it in my proper job right where were you in the week oh yeah he's got you there what where were you in the week i said that so that's me up let's you know come up with some new features and that where were you carl you phoned me about an hour before you wanted to meet that is not what i would call i mean that that is arrogance right there

That's arrogance right there.

That's ego right there.

He couldn't get over.

When I came in, he said, Where's Steve?

I said, Steve can't make it.

I had to tell him why.

Steve was staying in to tidy up because his landlady was coming.

This he couldn't get over.

He could not get over that you couldn't make it because you had to stay in for your landlady.

He talked about it for about the hour when we were working.

What are you talking about?

Last week I had a bad throat.

You wouldn't tolerate it.

When you had a bad throat, where were you?

Why couldn't we do any work then?

Because you were at home with your mum and your dad.

You were on holiday, weren't you?

Couldn't you get your mum and your dad to clean the flat?

Oh, he's done it again.

He's done you again, mate.

Play around.

How has he done me?

What they live in Bristol?

Yeah, yeah, the joke's on you.

He couldn't get him to clean the flat.

Nah.

I don't know who's laughing at who, though.

Right, listen.

Can we just go back to laughing at Carl?

Okay.

Because I know where we stand there.

Okay.

Right.

Do you want to know where?

That's the natural order of things.

I know yeah

he's he's stepped out of the pegging order right well someone who i don't let down right a lot of listeners of this show

do you want to uh read out the prices for rockbusters we'll get that thing we'll get that one we're not doing rock busters again are we yeah well it was a shambles last week we we cancelled it two weeks ago

what

and it just i mean there you are right there rick i mean both you and i and let's be honest we're the guys with the with our names on the poster i know it's supposed to be be your show and our faces.

Exactly, and yet

we have to be on tube stations with people laughing at us.

Yeah, well, they're not laughing at me, really?

That sounds good.

What do you think people think of the poster, Carl?

Seriously?

I don't want to know his opinion.

It's just going to be insulting.

My point is this.

He was looking at you.

My point is this, Rick.

We used to be able to decide what the content of this show was.

Now it's him.

It's just him.

He wants to do robbers as he gets to do it.

I know.

And it's awful, Robbie.

Tourette Trent Darby.

Not only is that offensive, it doesn't work as a clue.

Saying that, have you come up with anything for this week?

What's the prices?

Where we get the prices.

We've got...

I went out with a drink with Carl in the week and

we went to a restaurant, didn't we, Carl?

Good night.

And we sat there and next to me, when Carl came, next to me, was

what's his name?

Ross Kemp.

And he was sitting there and I saw Carl and I tapped him on the shoulder whilst talking or I pointed to Carl and him and I said, it's nice to see you two back together again.

And Carl was horrified.

But Carl didn't know that I'd already spoken to him before Carl arrived.

So I thought it was okay.

I thought I could break the ice because I've met him before.

So he just thought I was insulting him.

And within the week we were talking about his head, his little head, weren't we, Carl?

And Carl suddenly stopped the conversation and said, if I had hair, what would we be talking about now?

I think he'd had enough of everyone talking about it.

He looked good though.

He had a special little do.

He had it sort of, you know, cropped a little bit more.

I like it when he's just freshly had it done.

Do you know has that ever happened to you, Steve?

When you if you're somewhere, so if you start somewhere, does someone sort of you know, is he anyone else who you look like?

Or would you say you're better one off?

I love these two.

But I do.

But to be fair.

To be fair, I he seems to be only going at me an awful lot more than I do at him.

Now, I mean he just starts it

out nowhere.

Yeah, I think I think his is sort of a get-back for the way you treat him as a producer, not, you know.

But he's not a producer.

if he produced the show I wouldn't I wouldn't have a reason to criticize but I think this is it

but seriously I mean it really worries me though because you know it started as a joke but now it's just it's abuse yeah he got annoyed at heat because it said car producer well not so much a producer as just a bald man and he went can they say that yeah can they say that see that's a magazine an independent publication that's identified what exactly it is you do yeah

there we go then come on bring it on because here we go he's looking at me.

I know he's thinking.

I can hear the comments.

I'm not really thinking anything.

That is true.

Never a true word.

Blair records.

This is what the phone message he left me Wednesday on my mobile.

But I just thought it's chatting about certain things that are going on at the moment.

What he does need to know.

Old Duncan, who he mentions, is my agent.

And

you understand a few other things.

But this is the sort of message I get from Carl.

Windsor.

Just getting loads of fing people calling me all the time about sh yesterday, DVD signing for BBC London.

I don't work there, but I've been dragged into that.

I've got a woman on uh leaving a message from Talk TR going on about

do you do you want to go and see Pop Idol again?

Right, they're d just

saying that

you and some listeners can go.

So I'm sure you'll love that.

I've got Jim Benner wanting you to introduce the tin buckets at the Astoria.

So can you just let Duncan know that I'm doing his job whilst he's sat on his arse with his thumb firmly up his arse?

Can you let him know that I'm running around like a c sorting shit out for you?

Alright, see you later.

Do you know what I mean?

I know.

But that's the kind of phone message he's leaving that.

But remember who he was before you.

He's even annoyed that he gets a phone call?

I remember he got a phone call for you to do a voiceover and didn't pass it on.

You missed a voiceover.

That was thousands of pounds.

No, I didn't.

He didn't pass it on, though.

I told you.

You said someone had phoned.

Yeah.

That's not good enough.

But who's that?

Well, she didn't say, and I didn't ask.

Of course she said.

She didn't say.

Rubbish.

So you didn't take the number down.

Just when she went, oh, could you tell Steve to call me?

And you went, yeah.

Yeah, well, I just thought you'd know her already.

I should have known.

It was a woman.

So

I should have known.

He's having a go, you see?

Unbelievable.

I don't know how it's come back on me.

You're the one who was picking on it.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm saying.

I'm defending.

Why is he having a go at you?

He never picks on Ricky because he knows you are his bread and butter.

Seriously.

Do you know what I mean?

The only reason he's got Mondays off is because you're still doing this show.

Yeah.

That's why he's scared of you.

That's why he's like, he has a go at you on the phone, but he always picks on me because he knows, you know, I'm a pushover.

I'm a nice guy.

He's scared of you.

I can't believe I don't know how it works.

Is that true?

If I'm always sorting you out, I'll look after you.

Sort you out with tickets.

I've got you today.

Why are you thinking about it?

What do you mean you're talking about tickets in Lago?

What's this?

Right, whenever you want tickets.

I don't want to use this as like moaning time and that because I don't like to moan.

I'm busy and that, right?

I've sorted you out tickets for gigs.

Yeah.

Right?

What somebody doesn't even turn up to.

Yeah, we won't even go on about that.

Lager.

What's sort of like the Kiuri complaint?

It was boring.

Yeah.

It was that big drum of lager that you had, and you said, oh, put that in your room for me because I don't want to carry it home.

So I said, all right, then I'll put it in my room.

It goes missing, it gets nicked.

Then you have a a go at me because it got nicked.

Yeah.

I get you another one.

You make me carry it around town for you for half an hour.

Then you say, oh, I can't be bothered taking it on.

Can you take it back to work for me?

Yeah.

But interestingly, this is like a year ago.

So

it's still pressing on you.

Oh, hang on.

And I forgot the one when we had an argument over 50p

and went out for a coffee.

I got 550p back that you owe me.

That was the same day you've given him about 40 quids worth of lager.

But see,

this was my point at the time.

It's not the 50p in terms of money is not what's important.

The fact that you think you don't have to give me money back because it's only 50p, that was the point at the state.

It's me who makes a decision: oh, don't worry about the 50p, not you.

It's only 50p, I'm not going to give it to you.

Do you know what I mean?

There's got to be rules, otherwise, it's chaos, Carl.

Come on, mate.

Alright?

I don't want to fall out about it.

No, it's not right.

Should we kiss your makeup?

Do you want to act?

No, that's all right.

Yeah.

Well, should we play a little record and come back to this?

Because

I can't believe it started with you slacking him off, Rick, and I've ended up as the monster.

I know.

Do you know what Steve said when he saw that Carl?

He said it has captured Carl.

What do you mean?

Well, you just look utterly gormless.

In the pictures.

It's captured brilliantly.

You know how like a good photographer can do that?

It can capture the essence of someone.

That's good stuff.

It's best if you leave it.

Well, we're not going to leave it.

We're going to get you on the poster.

I mainly have to see myself on videotape this morning.

Oh, I showed him.

You know, the animal show I did, the show.

I'm doing a video and I did behind the scenes footage.

And I've got a, you've seen it, haven't you?

I feel a bit of Carl on there, isn't it?

It's great.

It's lovely.

He can't believe it.

He said, is it playing slow?

He's so slow.

And I come into the office going, all right.

That's how you talk.

I'm bad as well.

I look like I'm looking into a spoon.

I'm not happy with it.

I just think that if we're willing to,

if Ricky's willing to use his celebrity profile for the sake of the show, I'm willing to look like you know, let's say a fairly handsome, kind of cool customer.

I think at least, the very least, Kyle, is that you appear on there as well.

You could dress up.

Are you worried that you'll look the worst out of all three of us?

Who am I standing next to?

I'm next to Steve.

I'm fairly confident.

Yeah.

I like the way it's so predictable.

You pull the string because you know what it is.

You pull the string?

I'm Ricky James.

With me Steve Merchant and Carl Pilkerton.

Still arguing, this time about having help from him and dad.

What do you think, Carl?

No, not that we're I don't want this to turn into some sort of wacky type thing where we're pretending we're arguing.

Yeah.

Well we're not pretending.

We're not pretending you are.

I know, I know, but people will think we're messing about.

Oh, I wouldn't have thought so.

We just need to.

We can talk about it later, sort it out.

Yeah, it's just that Carl's a a little bit stressed.

I'm not a stress.

And he doesn't really understand that, you know.

You know, me and Steve have got lots of different jobs in the week, he's just got one job.

Yeah, and we sort of rely on people getting messages to us, you know, as soon as they get them, you know, and not sort of deleting them from their phone selfishly.

Just things like that, you know, people being on the ball.

Not just thinking about themselves all the time, not just thinking about number one.

What do you think, Carl?

Whatever.

Do you know what I mean?

Whatever.

Don't get all mauded again.

Just having a little discussion.

Yeah, this is annoying.

Guess what?

Think of this, you little slaphead twat.

Apparently,

that's so in his arts.

That's so in his arse.

Apparently, women can get bald treatment on the National Health Service, but men can't.

What does it mean?

Do you think that's fair?

Is that a fact?

It's a fact.

We should point out that Carl is uh would you say balding?

Yeah.

Would that be fair?

Well, either that or a wide party.

Oh, you know.

That's rubbish, Carl, those posters.

I'm ashamed to give them away.

Carl, you know our mate Johnny?

He's a Doctor Who fan.

Do you remember he bought the Doctor Who magazine

and he went to the toilet and Steve got post-it notes and put geek on every page.

And Johnny opened it on the tube, right, and it had geek and everything.

And Johnny bought in the new Doctor Who magazine, I think this week's or this month's, right?

And

they've done the perfect Doctor Who fan, right?

What the geek is, right?

And it looks exactly like Steve.

Oh, I don't have a go, really.

It does.

I'm going to try and put it on the website.

It's amazing.

It's got your hair, glasses, it stands like you.

It's sort of dressed like you, and it's only

hilarious.

And he's.

I mean, I'm insulting you now.

It sounds like an insult, but if you'd see it, you'd laugh.

Player.

Well, rockbusters, right?

Yeah.

Alright, here we go.

Just a little bit annoyed.

Just

three

clues.

We lost all the energy in this show.

I'm not sure.

Well, I'm just I can't get over that insult.

I'm just a little

bit of a drink.

No one can be watching me.

Ricky came out left.

I wasn't expecting an insult.

No, but I feel there was a sense of camaraderie on this.

Just emailing Ricky.jvasafan.com.

I can't read this rock with you.

I'm just reading out the clues.

Let's put this one in for the Sony Award.

Let's put this show in for the Sony Award.

Play a song, Carl, because I need to discuss things with him.

I've talked before about the intersection.

Get this down to three minutes.

It'd be a great question.

We've got busters in a minute.

Excellent.

You go

I'll tell you, you're gonna go along later to the live 8 gig and you're probably gonna see some bands that are gonna make an effort to entertain you.

But if you want entertainment, Rick, you know it.

It's only one person to book.

Go on.

Me.

If you, you know, perhaps I'm gonna do a because I mean, I'm obviously a top DJ on the radio, but where I really come into my own is DJing in any kind of club in the world.

Well, you told me you were DJing, I didn't go to it, DJing at a party, and you said the place was rocking.

The place was roaring.

And I loved it.

Carl just said he was there, and they weren't.

Well, that's nonsense, Carl.

Because you know very well that when I put on a tune, they'd cheer.

Yeah, but it was late on in the night.

They would have done that, whatever you put on.

That's nonsense.

They were happy and everything.

I'm not saying they weren't having a good time.

It was your party.

It was alright, but they weren't going mental like you're sort of making up.

They were definitely going mental.

When I put on the proclaimers, they could not believe their laugh.

They would have walked a thousand miles.

Was it good, though?

Were they really what were they doing?

They were dancing, were they?

Dancing and that, but they weren't sort of cheering, going, you know, more and all that at the end.

Take on me came on.

Did you big cheer went up?

Oh, I don't know, to believe.

I've been there, done it, Steve.

I've been the DJ as well.

Oh, it might be jealousy.

It might be.

It's professional jealousy, though.

Like a...

Yeah.

I think it's because my fortunes are on the up.

And his are on the day.

You know, we all know famously that he had to make music.

Didn't you play outfit?

Didn't happen.

Did I do enough?

I just wanted to do enough to pay for the equipment.

And I did.

And that was that.

But I don't like crowds, do I?

It's one of them things, isn't it?

Like I've said before, when you first see something, it's a bit of a shock.

Do you know what I mean?

It's like the Elephant Man or whatever.

First time you see him, it's that sort of, oh, look at that.

Do you remember the first time you saw Steve?

No, not being funny.

Do you remember the f the first Yeah, but I've said this before it's always then you get used to how people look and you don't

No no

I'm gonna bat

You got the fire record.

No, what?

Anyway, I just thought I would have to.

Here's tragic.

What's tragic?

What did you want me to say about that song?

Just your opinion.

Your own opinion was fine.

In fact, your own opinion is better than anything I could really hope for.

Without doubt, whenever I ask you a question...

You constantly surprise us, can you?

Yeah,

it's wonderful.

So only ever carry on telling the truth, carry on saying exactly what's on your mind.

And I think this could become a great...

You're like a man who was frozen in Victorian era and has been reawoken and he's kind of discovering the world.

Some things make sense, other things don't.

It's beautiful.

As opposed to one that was made in a castle in Victorian times like Steve.

Oh, that's just...

Oh, I've joined in with Carl.

I can't believe it, Ricky.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, no, it was irresistible, though, wasn't it?

I'm really sorry.

Do we play a record?

Who's the winner?

The winner, very lucky, Sandra Cassidy of Leon C.

She She gets all those great prizes.

You know we've actually had people emailing in saying this is the worst rock busters ever because it was too easy, it was boring.

Don't shoot the messenger.

Oh.

Other people saying it really has run its course.

Some people genuinely agree.

Oh, car, this must hurt, mate.

Stinging attacks on you.

Some people are just slagging you off, generally, saying

you win all the time.

It looks like Steve was right when he sort of like poo-poos your ideas.

When he weeze on your buttons.

Someone else, I swear to God, someone else emailed in and said, don't bother sending sending me the prizes, take them to a charity shop or pawn them, give me the money, I'd rather have it.

So I don't know what to say, Carl.

I just wonder if it really has run its course now.

All right, well, we'll see what you come up with next.

Let's see what you do, let's see what you come in with.

Sure.

Five to one.

I'm guessing you'll be popping in with another hip-hop track

full of Effing and Jeff and Frank.

Well, no, no, I won't bring it to you.

I'll do it myself at home.

Obviously, you can't cope.

Oh, dear.

Are you actually going to be here next week or are you still going to be in Cornwall?

No, you see there again.

I'll be back.

I'll be back in time.

And in the week when I go to, you know, Cornwall to see the monkey world.

Yeah, you're too deep.

That's still work.

That's still work.

What?

Thought you were going to interview some of the monkeys and stories.

I love that.

You were going, could a monkey live without bones?

And so I'm going, Carl, shut the f please, just look at the monkeys and eat your ice cream.

And that's work, is it?

I mean, I know what Steve's like, he is tight, right?

No, he is.

And you know that, don't you?

See, I'm not.

Well, no, I mean, just the way you are.

You're very sort of, you know,

you're not wasteful with your money.

I'm careful.

No, I'm not wasteful.

Absolutely right.

No, no, but to the extreme.

Not towards the extreme.

Not towards the extreme.

No, no, no.

Look after the pennies, the pains will take care of themselves.

Alright?

Simple to remember.

Good advice.

Alright?

The thing is, right,

I know that I take the Mickey out of you for like, you know, the way you look and stuff.

Sure, right.

Well, I'm right back at you.

But the thing is, you can't help that.

Absolutely.

But I'll tell you something that women don't like.

Sure.

And it's fellows who are tight with the money.

Sure.

I'm not frugal with money with ladies.

I'm frugal with money with you.

Well, I've never.

I've got no reason to splash money out on you.

I've never seen you splash money out.

Well, you've never been out with me.

Have you ever, Steve?

Have you ever splashed out on a lady?

Um, no, but I hope to one day.

The The right lady.

Very recommendable.

See?

Strokes.

Someday.

Now that was a better, better choice, wouldn't it, to start off with?

Oh, hello, ladies and gentlemen.

XFM 104.9.

I'm Ricky Dwayes, obviously.

Steve Mitchell.

No, come on, let's get my name right from now on.

That novelty's worn off.

What is it?

Is it Steve Merchant?

Oh, yeah,

that's the wrong one, isn't it, Mitchell?

The guardian got it wrong.

It's Steve Merchant.

And the more I say Mitchell, the more people are thinking.

Exactly, it might be Mitchell.

Oh, God.

Sorry, Dave.

But Carl wanted to start off with the stereophonics.

Oh, loser.

Because it was a newer track.

And Carl, now, we've made him what he is.

He was nothing when we found him.

He was working.

And now he's going, oh, we should start off with the stereophonics.

I'm going to...

Trying to tell you what to do with it.

If I want anyone's opinion, I don't.

He'd probably come to me, I imagine.

Before the first person.

Before Carl, I'd consult you, Steve.

So just keep it.

Just because he was in the Pilgrim's Mobile Disney music.

I cannot wait.

I'm looking forward to this.

I mean I literally can't wait.

Should we do it now?

Well I'm tempted to save it because I just want to mention to people that they should be very excited because it's going to be Carl's special night tomorrow.

Are you excited Carl?

Oh yeah.

Oh this is yeah

me and Steve because we were nominated we get a guest for the bad awards.

And it doesn't say guest it actually says

partner.

So I'm taking my partner and Steve's taking Carl.

But what Carl doesn't realize is

you will have to pretend you're his partner otherwise you won't be able to get together.

Is this really your partner?

It's not just a guest.

That's how it is.

And either we go in like that or we can't get in.

You just have to be with him when you go up there.

I mean, you have to.

We should hold hands.

But I think what we should do is just to make sure that there's nothing at all that is going to go wrong, we should just do a little kiss.

Just like

cheek to cheek, just to show them that you're not.

He's not just getting his mates in for a free meal.

You are actually partners.

No, I'm not for that.

Why not?

Well, because we know we're not actually gay.

So it's not a problem.

You've come out of it looking quite good because you've got a good-looking fella.

But I'm meant to look like, you know.

I mean, I'm not gay.

But if I was,

I don't think I'd go for your thing.

Oh, he's done you, Steve.

It's turned on you again.

I cannot believe.

We were trying to get him.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I have got the cream of London's Totty

phoning me up, trying to get an invite to the BAFTAs.

We have very graciously asked you if you would like to come along.

Well, that worries me even more that you've got women calling you up.

Carl.

Carl, I can't choose between them.

If I let one of them down, they're going to destroy them.

They'll be ruining their lives.

It'll be ruined.

It's better for me to take you and not ruin the lives of any of those poor people.

When he told them he was taking you, it was like a scene from Gracelands.

There was just like

hundreds of them.

And he just went.

He just had to say that just chill out, bitches, didn't you?

I did.

I just said, you know, you're all my hoes, but I can't choose between you.

So I'm taking Carl.

So I'm taking Carl.

You know, he could get you a discount fox.

No, I had a letter from the people that...

Listen, Carl, there's an organisation that sponsors the BAFTA Awards in terms of clothes and fashion.

They sent me a letter.

They said, your partner, they've not specified the sex.

They've said your partner can come along and choose an outfit.

Now, I suspect...

By the look of it, it is a woman's outfitters.

I'm thinking we could get you a lovely trouser suit.

It may look feminine, right?

But I think people will be fooled

It'd just be a little bit roomy in the hip and probably now on the shoulders, but you're a bit skinny.

Why don't you take it?

Because it's a lot of an insult.

And maybe just some pearls as well.

It'd be lovely.

Wouldn't you, wouldn't you, what?

I haven't got anything sorted to wear yet.

See, you're slagging me off.

You're likely to end up going in a tracksuit.

Yeah.

But yeah, I don't know what we're talking about there.

So we've got the film thing going.

I don't know what we were talking about.

What were you talking about earlier about glasses?

Well, and Steve taking his glasses off.

What was that?

What are you saying that in front of him now for?

Oh, was it an insult?

It wasn't really an insult.

No, what was it?

I genuinely don't remember.

I genuinely don't remember.

Right, Steve, I'm not having a go.

Right?

Just saying how people.

It's a bit weird that you've got glasses because you've got a good pair of eyes on you.

Right?

That isn't an insult.

What were you talking about, though?

What was it?

Why did you wear it?

It was the fact that people who wear glasses always look a bit weird without them on?

It's like

you know,

they should wear glasses.

I

okay,

why did we get around to this?

What was we talking about?

What were we talking about?

I don't know.

I don't know, I don't know what that was.

It sounds like an insult, even though it wasn't intended as a one.

It wasn't insulting.

It sounds like an insult, Carl.

It does, yeah.

No, it wasn't.

I was just saying to punch you every time you insult me, no.

No, but I'm not insulting it.

I'm gonna give you a dead arm.

Look, Steve, it's excuse me.

Even if it wasn't, you intended it to be one.

Well, what you

oh that was real play record.

It's mad.

That's mad.

Is this the Cardigans?

Great, brilliant.

I didn't even say anything.

It makes me feel better.

It makes me feel better.

I can enjoy the rest of the show.

You went in, there was George Best, one of your footballing heroes, was there, a load of other big names.

You sat in a prime position.

You came backstage with a load of other big names.

Hey, Hey, you had a lovely bit of grumpy.

You were filming the thing for the DVD we were making.

That's you, that's you, a cameraman on our DVD.

And yet you think, oh, and now you look grumpy because you had a couple of pints and you're, oh, I can't believe it.

So tell us why you didn't enjoy it, because the ceremony, what didn't you enjoy about that?

It was interminable, wasn't it?

Far too long.

Wasn't it awful?

Three hours.

Sorry.

I thought you were going to say something.

Really?

Sorry.

Three hours.

Yeah.

I mean, I suppose for you two, at least, you know, you were going to get something.

Sure.

Yeah.

But

with me, it's like.

I mean, I've never graduated or anything, so.

Have you not?

I'm trying to think of a situation.

Basically, I sat there for three hours knowing that I'm not going to get anything out of the night.

Yeah.

Right?

Now.

Did you?

Sorry, when we invited you and you said yes, did you think you were up for an award?

I thought we were going to be sat round tables having a nice bit of food whilst people are going up there winning awards.

But three hours of the same thing over and over again.

I mean, if a film's three hours in the cinema, you go, well, it's long, but you know, I wonder how it's going to end.

But this was just like the same thing over and over again.

Some guy going up, thanks a lot, cheers for the bit of brass.

And then going down, sitting down the same thing over and over again.

Honestly, right,

I'd say it was one of the worst things I've ever had to do.

Come on, thank you.

I enjoyed the the night afterwards when we did have a bit of lamb and a nice bit of veg and that.

That was alright, and I went home and I was happy.

And I got the little freebie bag that you're talking about that we gave away,

which wasn't much good stuff in it.

Oh, all right.

Right.

No,

what would you have done on that Saturday night?

Suzanne.

What would you have done if, or on the Sunday night, rather, what would you have done had you been at home?

I would have stayed in with Suzanne, right?

Watching Telly, having a nice bit of pate on toast or something, cup of tea, watching 24.

But instead, I had to buy an expensive suit so I didn't show you up, right?

How much did you spend on your suit?

Well, in total, right, because you know, the shoes and the suit and the shirt and the tie, it was about 600 quid.

That's the most expensive evening ever.

And that's what I'm saying to you.

And the daft thing is, it's dark in there.

I don't know why you've got to wear a nice suit.

You can't wear a track suit, for goodness sake.

It's dark in there.

Just the shirt and that.

It doesn't mean you're a better person wearing a suit.

No, it doesn't mean you're a better person.

No.

We're not claiming it made you a better person.

No, but that annoyed me.

Yeah, um, I mean,

it was an experience, isn't it?

That's why I went because you think if I didn't go, if I would have said to you when you invited me, No, Steve, I don't want to go, then I would have never known, right?

And I've

that's my sort of thing in life, right?

If something comes up, you should take it, even if you're not going to like it, it's a bit of an experience.

Right, you know what he said to me?

I phoned him up because we had to meet up, and obviously, he had to pose as my gay lover to get in, right?

Yeah, he went, What do you said something to me, like, I bought a suit, I'm looking good.

He he said I'm looking good people will think how on earth did he end up with that good looking guy

so he got into the role

such an insult

just go back to insults briefly go on goo

no no I see that goofy that's not no no no no because that's it that's what he said it's in the head I'm what do you mean he said no did he say that no I mean when did you call me goofy no he didn't he said about what's in the head

come off come off it's calling me goofy No, I'm not even goofy.

Goggle eyes, fair enough.

But you can sort your lookout.

I can't.

But do you know I can sort out?

How can I sort my lookout?

I'm not even goofy.

That's not fair.

You've got the proper features.

What?

Just needs sorting out a bit.

I can't help it if my air's not good.

Do you know what I mean?

It's brilliant.

I'd like to rent you out to people.

See, me, I'm different.

I would happily leave him now in the bottom of the cupboard.

Until quiz

electrics.

Until the old pub quiz night when there's no one else who will have you on the team.

Sure.

Gunny's best mate.

Gunny him again.

Yeah, where's his mum and dad then, Carl?

Yeah?

In Bristol.

Yeah.

Me and Steve were having a little meeting yesterday or lunch about, you know, planning stuff for the show.

And Gary Kemp came up to me, started having a little chat about old times.

And I went, oh, yeah.

As he went away, Steve said, right, think of this.

He said, Rick, don't take this the wrong way.

Remember that sentence, don't take this the wrong way.

So there's a right way and a wrong way.

I could have taken this comment.

He went, nodded to sort of Gary Kemp and went, he's aged better than you.

I went, well, how could I take that the wrong way?

Yeah, it's not offensive?

No.

Well, the point is this.

He didn't know me 20 years ago.

So he's actually saying, Rick, don't take this the wrong way.

He looks better than you do.

Yeah, well, he does.

But why say that, Carl?

What?

Did you really say that?

Yeah, although, can I I just go just backtracking for a second?

I love the fact you said you bumped into Gary Kemp and you reminisced about old times.

What old times did you share with Gary Kemp?

Well, he came up and said, did we drop the pop together?

I went, no, I did Razmutaz.

I said, oh, we did Razmutaz.

I think he was thinking, had he ever met me before?

But he he hadn't, because we hadn't.

That's what I meant.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And uh.

But if you had to make an objective analysis,

I wouldn't, I think that's out of order.

Sure, sure.

I mean, you're always flagging me off, but apparently you can't do it.

No.

Because you're morally all over the place.

You don't know where you're coming to go.

You should hear what I say about you, behind it.

So are you...

Would you say you're better looking now than you were?

Or...

Than I'm what?

Would you say you're better looking now than you were?

Than I was when.

Well, like, like, you know, have you aged well?

Yes.

You've aged well.

Yeah, I kept my looks.

Bit of dando?

A bit of Van Dandando, this would be lovely, man.

Love for sunshine.

I'm not going at the moment.

I'm not going, and I'm desperate to see you, man.

I mean, he's going to do a great concert.

It's his only one in London.

I can't believe that being on the radio, being on XFM,

the listenership's going up apparently.

I can't believe I can't get a ticket.

I've asked Carl, he's done nothing.

He's done nothing.

No, no, Carl, had a very good point.

Carl, tell me what you said when he was whinging in the face.

First of all, while she moaning, you also asked in the week for a Badly Drum Boy album.

Yeah.

You got in today.

Yeah.

There's one there for you.

Well, yeah, but it's yin and yang.

And it's like, yeah, but I did, you know.

Carl, what's Steve ever done for you?

That's what you've got to ask yourself.

What has Steve ever done for you?

Well, he took me to the Bafters.

Yeah, but only because no one else would probably want to go with you.

I can't believe that.

What is this?

I do not believe that.

Oh, Steve, I'm going to stitch you up now, Carl.

And it's in a nice way, and don't worry, it won't be too bad.

He won't take it too bad.

Carl sent me a little text message today.

Right.

No, no.

Carl, what is this?

Right, okay.

Okay.

You know, I'm in a very frail mood at the moment.

No, no, you're lying.

This is funny, because

me and him have been like sending trivia back and forth to each other.

Which is another point, right?

I sent him.

Oh, well, I'll get to that in a minute.

I thought he'd really be amazed with.

But while you're fiddling, if you can make my dream come true to go and see Bruce Springsteen tomorrow, then give us a call on the usual number.

But like I said, Steve, what?

It wouldn't be.

Right, you just said when the song was on, can't believe it, right?

We work at XFM and I can't get tickets for Springsteen, right?

And we work in radio, we should get tickets.

Right now, think of it.

We've got money to pay for it.

But think of the.

Yeah, but if it's sold out, it's sold out.

Yeah, but that's just something they say.

That's just what they say, is it?

Right, so everybody on local radio stations say, you know, I like that, Bruce Springsteen.

I want a free ticket, right?

So another say, I tried to phone a phone for an hour and a half, I couldn't get through.

Not long enough.

I put the hours in.

Not long enough.

Not long enough.

What are you talking about?

Put the hours in, right?

So another 400 people turn up at the gig, they cram them all in.

There's people being crushed.

You know, they've paid the money early.

They were up early that day when the phone lines were open, whilst you were probably sleeping and that.

So they're dedicated, and they're the ones at the front getting crushed.

What?

Would you mind

happy if you were there getting crushed?

I don't mind.

I'll sit at the side of the stage and watch him.

Yeah, but I don't mind.

But everyone will say that then.

And then before you know it, no one can see anything.

Carl's right on this one.

Let me just read it.

Right, I'm going to give you this thing.

Now I'm handing over my mobile phone, Steve, to read the.

You can see it's from Carl at the top, but just read it out as you scroll down.

Just read it out loud.

Is this a text message message from Carl?

Yeah, this is a text message to me from Carl.

Read it out.

To see at night as well as an owl, you would need eyes the size of grapefruits if only Stephen could turn his head right round as well.

Carl, I can't believe it.

What upsets me most, Carl, right, is not the fact that you've been slagging me off behind my back.

It's the fact that you've got the cheek to come on here and moralise because you failed to get me tickets and make a dream come true.

You've come on here trying to pass the buck and say that it's a health and safety problem.

Well, in actual fact, it's a Carl Parkington problem.

I'm devastated.

I'm devastated.

You know what I mean?

And then I didn't

record.

I just.

I should have eaten this banana.

I'll fight.

What's the number?

It's 08700-800-1234.

But if it's sold out, Steve, it's sold out.

Got a bit of a classic, yeah.

REM.

I bet if you're not.

If Ricky wanted to go, it'd be fine.

I'm sure someone could sort it out then.

Who?

Boy, if Ricky Gervaise wants to go, then I'll go.

Are you?

No.

Hold on some seconds.

Well, there's the best band in Britain, in my opinion.

Big words.

The darkness.

Growing on me on XFM 104.9.

I'm because you may have with me, Steve Merchant and Carl Pilgen.

Have you got the album?

And already, they've had an argument.

Yes.

Well, I mean, I don't know whether we need to cheapen the show by discussing it, but I asked for a particular track.

Carl is the producer, and he failed to get it for me.

He's failed to get it for me.

He's failed to bring it up from the record library.

Completely failed in his mission.

He needed to get two records and he failed to get one of them.

A 50% error rate there.

Yeah, but like I said, I looked in the system.

It told me what album it's on.

I brought that album up.

I'm busy.

But, okay, so fine.

Fine.

You're absolutely fine then.

That's no problem.

You know, once again,

that's a great excuse, Carl.

Brilliant.

The show has been ruined.

It's been partially ruined, but you've got a bit of an excuse.

Alright.

I didn't make a big deal out of it when you said, oh, and whilst you're down there, get us a new 50 cents.

I never said while you're down there get this new 50 cent single.

I asked you if 50 cent single was lying around.

If it hadn't been here I wouldn't have worried.

So I get it yeah I did that for you.

I don't know it's five to one single producer.

It's the brand new single.

I'd have thought it'd be lying around in the XFM office anyway.

But I don't have time to sit around listening to music.

Sure well yeah.

Right?

I know that you have, now you've got an iPod that can hold 7,500 songs.

I don't know when you're going to get round to loading all them on, but I haven't got the time.

Busy, busy.

Yeah.

Fine, okay, no, no, that's a perfect excuse, Carl.

Well done, mate.

I just hope that I never have to depend on you in a really emergency.

So we were talking about pre- Should we play record?

Is that linked too long already before we actually got to something?

I'm already bored.

Carl, we've got to get to something.

We've got to do something.

Why don't you contribute something?

You've been silent.

Now that is scraping about.

We're in trouble.

Oh, no.

Oh, we're failing.

Who can we bring on that Shorefire always delivers

dynamite?

Yeah.

Carl, the big guns.

Come on, Carl.

I was just thinking, there is nobody else who looks like Steve.

He's done you.

That's outrageous.

Although, to be honest with you, that insult has resurrected things.

Yeah, well done.

And I was on my mobile phone, and I was chatting away to someone, and

what can only be described as a prostitute.

Go on, still on the street, was she a woman that gives you sex for money?

Yes.

That is a prostitute.

Yes, that's what I thought.

Go on.

And as I was walking by, she said, do you want to buy sex?

You sure wasn't a market trader giving six plums away from the corner.

No, it was definitely...

Sex for a queen?

No, it was definitely.

And what annoyed me about it, what I wanted to pick her up on something, was the fact that I was on my mobile phone.

It's like, can you imagine?

Who would I, what, am I going to hang up?

Sorry, mum, can I call you back?

You know, you say you want me to meet more women.

And you know you sent me that 30 quid exactly for my birthday.

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry, Mr.

Johnson, I'm really excited about the job.

Can I call you back?

I'm just going to negotiate with a whore.

And it was like, it was just sort of, you could tell that she was clearly probably desperate for crack or a latest fix of smack.

So she was literally the normal etiquette of prostitution, you know, that they hang around, they show some thigh.

I've seen this in films.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Take you out for a meal.

That had sort of gone out of the window.

She was just there, desperate, running around.

Did she go out the window?

Because that's another thing they sometimes do, specialist ones.

But I was shocked because I've never been propositioned before

in London on that.

That's weird, isn't it?

Carl, thoughts?

I think you'd be sort of approached a lot because they tend to

sort of go for people who look like they haven't got much chance sure and I'm not being mean no no no no

no no sorry I'll let you go out here in what way aren't you being mean by saying that Steve Steve knows is a little bit odd looking

I don't think well no he does

no but it's not whether what he thinks of his looks it's what he thinks of you talking about his looks on no, but it's like how you were talking before about you know, your eyes are bad.

It's nature's little way of saying, Look, nothing to see here, right?

I don't get that.

I don't know what you mean.

Well, when you look in the mirror and that, they've gone, look, he hasn't got the looks, let's make his eyes bad, right?

Yeah, nothing to see here.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying,

right?

Yeah, and it's funny, right?

Now we're on the topic.

Sorry, sorry, Johnny Depp.

Hey, listen, but I'm gonna, my, my chest is gonna burst at this point.

Whenever we go into this conversation, I always think to myself, Carl, do you know what you look like?

I am gonna burst.

Seriously, can I be honest with you?

You look like, you know, if you've got like a balloon, a hot air balloon, right?

Just a little balloon like a party balloon, if you drew a little face on it, right, and inflated it about halfway, that's what you look like.

Right, I'll go.

No, play a record.

I don't want to get into this.

Now you've got onto this, let's just nip it in the bud.

now.

I'll tell you something that I wasn't gonna tell you,'cause I think it was.

I don't wanna hear it, I don't wanna hear it.

Right, it was on the tube, right?

Well, I was someone told me they were on the tube, right?

And um

it uh the the tube pulled into a station

and one of the women saw the poster that's out at the moment with you and Rick on it, right?

So this this woman apparently goes, uh, oh look, there's uh it's Ricky.

Ricky's on the radio, right?

And uh the other one goes, Oh, yeah, d don't you listen to it?

So she goes, Oh, I didn't I didn't know know it was on the radio.

And she goes, oh,

I saw his steeple.

Let's look at it.

Because it didn't look

this bad.

She said, oh,

look at that person he's with.

So she goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She said, that's Steve.

She said, I'm kind of.

I was sort of aware that he looked odd because Carl mentions it on the radio.

Yeah.

So it wasn't as much of a blow to me, but I can see how it was a bit of a shock to you.

Yeah.

So

that's what that's that's weird, isn't it?

Yeah.

And that isn't me

sort of telling this one to say anything.

That was all happened without anybody else sort of bringing it on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

So

was it.

Sorry, you seem to be relishing this.

Was it because of the little balloon story that made you?

Honestly, see, I want to tell you, but if you're going to start, you know, having a pop.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

I can't just sit here and take it and that.

No, no.

I mean,

all mates.

Yeah, it's just.

I mean, I was just taken for Johnny Vegas.

Steve's got a story about that.

If you want to have a go at me.

No, someone just thought you were a fat with a beard, which is true.

Well, don't have a go at me because he said you'd look.

No, you started it.

No, I didn't.

No, I didn't.

You were milking it.

I was laughing.

You were egging him on.

I thought I was.

Yeah.

But that's not, you know.

Oh, it's a good job you've got lots of good mates like Jonathan Ross, who you can go and hang out out with.

Don't need other friends, people who've helped you in your career.

Because actors are often very quite handsome people, but yet they're always quite obnoxious.

We are, we are, we are, we are.

No, I mean, they're normally quite obnoxious, Rick.

Again, you know, you're a good example of that.

And yet, I think it must be the small man complex.

That's what makes them so obnoxious and so kind of desperate for attention.

Didn't realise it before.

Steady on.

Because, of course, I tower above everyone.

You do, don't you?

For people who don't know who are listening, I'm six foot seven inches tall.

That's high.

Yeah.

And

for people who've never seen him, he doesn't hold it well.

It's not like he's a sort of handsome athlete, is it, Carl?

He's a bit of a...

What would you call him?

Carl, don't answer.

No, no, no, no.

Don't get drawn into that.

You know the game he's playing.

No, no, no, no, no.

Do you know yesterday when you were in the office,

you did a little move

and it reminded me of Blakey.

Oh, I hate you, Jervais.

Oh, I hate you, Pilkington.

That's his stance.

Yeah, but even he held it a little bit better, didn't he?

Because he was a man, you know, he had a big coat and everything, a peak cap.

But, yeah.

I can't believe you.

Like, I've not suffered enough from being freakishly tall.

Now, till my best buddies live on radio.

It's not just the height, though, is it?

It's the posture and the face and everything.

But it's got your places, on it.

No.

How do you mean it's got your places?

I think people give you a bit more of a chance in your career and stuff because it's like

what?

Yeah, stacking shelves

because I can reach to a high level.

Mr.

Elgerden, hello, it's Dr.

Han Rahan.

Barry Sheen has just passed away, and you go, oh dear.

Yeah, bad news and good news.

Do you want his face more?

Do you want his face?

Does Suzanne go out with you, like, for charitable reasons?

Is it like you for God's boyfriend?

I love the fact that she encourages you.

She was saying about Tom Cruise, and I was like, oh, you know, she said, you know, he's not a bad looking fella or whatever.

What she's saying is, Carl, is there any chance you could go and get a different face?

Maybe something like Tom Cruise.

But then then I was saying, right, first of all, he's got to be dead and he's not.

But if he was, and you had that done, would you feel like

people were looking at us on the tube?

Well, no, like,

say if the people who made Mission Impossible said, we want to do a third one,

would I then would I be in my right to say, oh, they don't want to do it?

I don't know what he's talking about.

I don't mean to be offensive, Carl, but your girlfriend could do a lot better than you.

I kind of want to do it.

I love the idea.

This whole conversation is like you're in Tom Coos's face and then get off of the film.

Why does she have conversations like this with you?

There's no on last night.

There's now on a telly.

Oh, love it.

What did we talk about?

What about getting a nuke fierce?

Oh, that cartoon.

If you don't know what Carl looks like, there's a cartoon that was in last week's Heat, isn't it, that I drew on the website.

What's it going for now?

I think it's at about 225 quid at the moment.

And what do they have to do to bid for it?

Just email in, I'll pass it on to the website, people.

I know why Heat put it in.

It's because the editor, Boyd Hilton, looks a little bit like you, doesn't he?

Sort of my ugly brother.

He's probably listening and he says nice things about you.

Yeah, he can still say nice things, but I bet he knows deep down.

You know if you're good looking or not, don't you?

I can't believe it.

Steve, I mean, what if you're not...

This is going crazy, no, Carl.

I don't know.

The insults are firing left, right, and center.

You've got no limits.

You've just gone crazy.

You've just gone wild.

You're spawning around just because you look like Tom Cruise.

I think it's because he's been hanging out with Christian O'Connell.

Yeah.

And they're both thinking, yeah, we're a couple of media players.

Yeah.

Too big for their boots.

Yeah, not scared.

Although he's scared of Christian.

No, he's totally.

He's scared of Christian in here because he's not allowed to do monkey news.

No, because Christian wants to do it.

He's scared of him.

I'm not saying that, right?

Christian.

you

mine changes I'm on the edge

right okay he even makes that complicated

he even makes twaddle complicated no I'm just I'm just it changes depending what paper you read yeah all right it's the 23rd of September so I think most of the time I'm a Virgo I think.

Well I'll tell you.

Write that down listeners.

23rd of September and come round and give him the bumps.

Well according to this I mean it I I mean you've been criticising this Rick.

You've been saying that there's maybe not anything in the Zoom.

Hang on let me just read something.

Is this going to change my mind?

The typical Virgoan word.

Okay.

The physical appearance of the typical Virgoan

high forehead.

That's not true.

Cranium may seem too big in comparison with the face.

Look at Carl, look at Carl.

But how specific is he?

Has an extremely large forehead.

Has a high hairline.

That's not true, though, is it?

Maybe quite tall.

What are the blokes like?

Often has one foot turned in more than the other.

What do you- they've just described Rain Man.

What is that?

How can I be specific?

Well, that's why it sounds like Carl.

One foot turned in.

Yeah.

Oh.

Well, have they even bothered doing one for you?

Because there isn't many people in in the world.

Hang on a minute.

Let him finish this.

No, I'm just saying.

Go on.

What are you saying?

I sort of think I'm fairly average looking, but I'm saying, have they wasted a page in that book for whatever you are?

It started off me being dissing him and stuff, and you've been nice.

Hang on a minute.

I don't think you can be a Virgoan, because it says that they are normally quick, alert, and intelligent.

But no, actually, I have to say, it says here, the behaviour and personality traits of the Virgoan

isn't as a child is an excellent mimic can learn many things in a short time not really true of you is it

rarely questions authority but frequently questions facts you never question facts you never question authority scared of authority yeah

you're usually tonight very upset if teased that's true yeah oh yeah

yeah

Can't take a bit of stick, too much pressure can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

Yeah.

What to teach a young Vergoan?

Myths, fairy stories, make-believe, daydreams, and how to use imagination should all be taught to young Vagoen so they have plenty of magical moments to remember in their adult years when they are often alone.

I'm changing my mind.

I know.

This is good stuff.

This is really good stuff.

Alright, well, let's see.

What are you?

Well, I don't think we should talk about that.

Yeah, let's have a look.

It says the Vregoan is...

I love some of the specifics of this.

Vregoan is an employer.

He's excellent as the boss of a small company.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't read him on a Tuesday.

He's probably stamp collecting, Ben.

Yeah.

He loves a bit of haddock.

Okay, let me look at my.

Oh, that is good, though, Carl, innit?

That is you all over.

I've changed my mind.

It's brilliant.

It's a real science.

They've really put their work in with this one.

Let me see, Sagittarius.

Sarah Jones.

Sagittarian is a happy, playful little clown.

Little.

Greets everyone.

Oh, dear.

Yeah.

Let me see, Sagittarius.

He's only gonna read the good bits though, isn't he?

If that's it, what what can it say?

Have they done yours in sort of small print because you've got special eyes?

I don't know what that insult is, Carl.

What kind of an insult is that?

Well.

He's happy with that.

Look at his face.

Boozed on me.

Oh dear.

And come back to me.

To a certain extent.

I'm just thinking if I was to meet Steve in a restaurant,

nothing untoward going on, we're just hanging out, right?

No, just hanging a chat, just having a normal night out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who's paying?

Because, I mean, is it expensive?

Go Dodge, go Dodge, go Dutch.

So

I say to you, I'll see you at 8, right, in this restaurant.

I turn up at the door, it's a bit of a posh place.

So he's Steve Merchant in.

And the waiter sort of goes,

I don't know.

What does he look like?

Where's he from?

Just a little French fella.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

And

what's he look like?

So I'd the thing I pick up on first, tall, tall lad.

Tall, yeah.

And then he goes, oh, well, you know, we've got lots of tall people in.

Right?

And I go,

big eyes?

Big eyes.

And then he'd go, yeah, he's over there.

I'll be honest with you, I mean, you can have dinner and you can buy me dinner.

I'm not sure you're going to get anywhere with me.

Yeah, but the thing is, what he hasn't said is, well, he gets frustrated because we have to go from restaurant to restaurant for something I can eat.

But the reason we've only got about three restaurants to choose from are that because he doesn't want to spend more than a fiver at lunchtime at lunchtime if i was going out of an evening you'd spend a decent amount of wallop but lunchtime

you'd be happy to spend 20 quid on lunch imagine that every single day There's no one out there who's eating lunch 20 quid a day on lunch.

It's crazy.

You don't need that much food at lunchtime.

I don't know what happens.

You go in there, you have some kind of tigreen curry for lunch.

You're asleep by 1.30.

We're trying to work.

We're trying to write TV shows.

And you're dozing off like one of those giant anacondas that's just eating a sheep and it's slowly digesting it.

It takes like three weeks.

He doesn't eat, Carl, he does not like the spare.

He'll walk a mile out of his way to get a sandwich.

I've had an argument over that 50p that time.

Here's the situation, Carl.

I lent you 50p and you decided you weren't going to pay me back.

It should be to my discretion if I say, don't worry about it, Carl.

You should offer me the 50p.

Go, there's that 50p I owe you.

And I'll go, don't worry about it, Carl.

But you didn't even do that.

It's the way that you were like...

I said, where's my 50p?

You went, oh, you don't need that.

That's not your decision, eh?

I didn't say that.

I said, I don't think I've got it at the moment or whatever.

Rub it.

And he's going through my pockets and that.

50p.

Ridiculous.

You've just given him a keg of beer for free, hadn't you?

Well, let's not go over it again.

Here we are, then.

We're back.

Exit M104.9.

Can't leave early last week, but

you stayed at the end this week, mate?

Or?

Yeah.

You don't need another holiday.

Oh.

Oh, he's started already.

Steve's made you look like a bit of a twat already.

And it's only five past one.

But the only reason you don't go on holiday is because you have to spend money.

Ormani's come straight back.

He's good straight back.

I can't come back to that.

It's just dynamite.

It's just absolute.

That was

the last holiday Steve had, he sort of found a third world country so he could live like a king for a week.

It was Cuba, wasn't it?

Going to Cuba, amazing.

You can literally rule the place.

If it weren't for Castro, I'd have been in charge.

Kind of crash I was flashing around.

They'll do anything for a dollar over there.

It's extraordinary, literally.

I mean, it's amazing.

Yeah.

Oh, definitely.

And I went to Kenya for it.

So he thought to the prostitute and said, no.

Yeah, well, it was $2.

I mean, I've not made the money.

I genuinely,

it does frustrate me that I don't get any allowance

as a disability.

Well, it does, Ken.

No, it doesn't.

It's not a disability being six foot seven.

But how can you explain, for instance, you know, travelling on a bus or a coach, there's somebody else's.

I've seen some disadvantages.

People look at...

I've seen people stare at you,

but they stare at me because I've been on the telly wasn't that a disability people being reckoned but you could avoid that by not being on the telly it's your choice this is my point it's your choice yeah it's the same as the big fat people it's their choice it's a different sort of stare in it I've been there yeah when you know the sort of stare that you get in the sort of sea sort of state well honestly I'm gonna sorry Steve but I'm gonna you know follow up this inquiry what do you mean Carl no so I'm just saying it's more of a stare of of fear than like with you they go oh it's him yeah go on whereas with you it's more like geez.

Where's the monkey news?

Well, we we we're not gonna do uh

freak of the week here, okay?

Because we've we've done quite a bit of that in the last twenty minutes, right?

Yeah, sure.

We'll just shift it a little bit.

Okay.

Uh I don't like I keep saying, don't want people to be thinking

we're sort of taking the mick out of anyone.

No.

Right?

Because we're not about that.

I feel that like I can do a little bit bit of it because

I work with you, Steve.

Yeah.

Sure.

It gives me that right.

It's like a care worker.

Yeah.

I understand.

It's like that thing of you can't be homophobic because I've got a couple of gay mates and stuff.

I think it sort of gives me that edge.

Yeah.

Right?

So you're not freakophobic because you work with Steve?

No, that's right.

Yeah.

So

yeah.

Okay.

By that token, I should be able to sort of slag off, you know, the mentally ill.

At least mentally handicapped.

I had some exciting news this week, Carl.

You'll be pleased to find out.

I'm worried that you might get a little bit jealous, because it's obviously going to impact on your world quite strongly, because I know you think you'd like things to be quite sane-my.

You'd like the status quo to be maintained.

You like the fact that in the past, you know, we've had some crosswords, you know, because you've remember, what did you think of me when I first walked in?

When I first came in on the first day of action, why are you making a big deal?

Do you want to have a question?

I'm just being honest, though.

I'm just being honest about a lot of people who see you for the first time sort of go, well, he's a bit weird.

I know that's the thing that you brought it up.

And then you're again.

But I'm sure that wasn't what you said before.

No,

he's a bit weird.

Yeah, well, he looked at you and I knew.

I could see by the look of his face.

You know, when

you know you're a kid and your kid's sort of scared of something and they go, why does your kid?

He goes, oh, he doesn't like pigeons or spiders.

It was like that.

When I saw Carl and I brought you in, and I went, what do you think of that, Carl?

I could see the look on his face that he was disturbed.

Sure.

And then, as he said, you get used to it, don't you?

Yeah, you get used to it.

And you have changed a little bit.

Your hair's a bit smarter now, and you've got some nicer glasses and that, I think.

Or I might have just got used to it.

Oh, don't bring it up, Steve.

Don't look at me like that.

So, you say that you think some other people in the office thought the same?

Do you know that for sure?

Did you discuss it?

Carl.

Yeah, I think they do, yeah.

Okay, leave it there then.

But not just in the office, as you walk through the office.

Oh, it's worse than you.

It was not.

Who do you think's cooler to look at?

Steve or the Chemical Brothers?

Steve.

Definitely.

Yes.

You're absolutely right, Carl.

And that's the first sensible thing you've said for a long time.

If I was to work with Steve on some music, if he had the choice, I think Steve would look better on an album cover.

Really?

Yeah.

What would you do?

Would you change him at all?

What would you do with his image?

I'd put him in the distance.

I can't believe this is.

No, just so you don't look as tall, that's doing you a favour.

You know, I was on the...

This is true.

I was

on the tube, right, coming in to meet Gervase the other day, and I was wearing a suit, and I my mobile phone slipped out of my pocket and it landed on the seat, and I didn't realise this, and as I was about to get off, some bloke who was sat there, like an old guy, he picked up the phone, he went, Oi!

Uh, Lanky, you dropped your mobile phone.

And I was like, well, I thank you for pointing out I dropped my phone, but did you have to do the lanky?

But you knew who he meant.

I bet you turned round straight away.

It worked.

Knew he meant, Steve.

He's done you again.

But I was the only person stood up.

It was a fairly empty train.

Was there any other lanky people there?

No.

What

Before we carry on with anything, I should just tell you, we're on the subject of emails.

There's one emailer we're always looking forward to hearing from.

Dickens!

Richie Anderson!

Dicky Docky Doo!

Richard Anderson!

Thanks for emailing.

He's my biggest fan.

He's one of the biggest fans.

Absolutely loves me.

But not afraid to offer some constructive criticism.

Go on.

That's the great thing about Dickie.

And from Anders this week, he says, Ricky, I'm lazy, I talk nonsense, I'm badly organised, and I believe in ghosts.

Can I have a job working on your show?

Ah!

Possibly, Anders, maybe send in a CV or email a CV.

He's put a little bit of all of us in that, hasn't he?

Oh, I'll ask him if he's a goggle-eyed freak, Steve.

All right, calm down.

Well, no, I didn't mean to.

He doesn't need to get insulted.

No, I didn't necessarily mean you.

No, you're getting nasty.

Well, I was thinking about that, actually, Steve.

Oh, God.

Just talking of

the older.

What?

What?

Talking of the what?

No.

Do you know, like,

it's better because you're not.

No, you don't have that many girlfriends and what do you mean?

Carl, why are we on this?

I wasn't.

I was defending you in the whole monkey discussion.

Come on, what's your point?

What's your point?

What's your point?

What's the point?

What's the point?

I just was thinking if there was an infinite number of Steve's.

You know, you're an odd-looking fella.

Come on, Carl, get to the steam.

No, you know I know that.

I've told you that a couple of times.

What do you mean, you know I know that?

Well, there's no point pretending anymore.

Steve, I'm

flabbergasted.

But also you don't like spending money, huh?

He's mean and weird looking.

Valentine's Day.

I'm gonna.

Oh.

Are you sort of.

You know.

You've gotta love him now, haven't you?

What are you happier with?

The fact that no girls like you enough, right?

This is really mental.

Or are you happy because you don't have to spend any money on a card for someone?

A little from column A?

A little from Column B.

Wait,

let's have more monkey news.

What have we got?

No, we've got a ton of stuff.

We've got so much to get into this show.

Insults.

We don't need the insults.

I think we've got enough.

We don't need the insults.

No more insults.

No more insults.

I'm not going to use me with Carly.

You know, he's been planning that.

No, I haven't.

I was thinking.

Well.

I was thinking about it on the way in because Valentine's Day is coming up and I'm not a big fan of it.

Condoms?

You bought your girlfriend a box of condoms for Christmas.

I don't think you can ever go at me.

To be fair.

No, but I don't just treat her on Valentine's.

I'm always.

Do you know what I mean?

You don't even treat her on Valentine's.

You don't even treat her at Christmas or on her birthday.

When do you treat her?

Hang on a minute.

Wait a cotton picking minute there.

Oh, why I order.

Wait a minute.

What's that, Tiffany Dog?

I treat your girlfriend better than you, and I've only met her twice.

150 quid.

What on gift vouchers?

Yeah, to spend at the same places.

I'd have to say, though, I mean, it's not a very inventive gift, is it?

Whoever came up with it.

It's a lovely thought.

It's wonderful to have £25 that I can only spend in two places I never go in.

But

I'm not looking at gift horse in the mouth.

Anyway, I'm not

looking a gift horse in the mouth.

It is a treat.

He spoke to Jonathan Ross like he was a normal person.

From someone whose dad buys my spade for Christmas, I thought you'd be grateful.

He's so ungrateful, really.

Yeah.

Because I can't remember a time my dad bought me anything.

It's always my mum who bought it and my dad would give her the money.

Yeah.

You've got Ricky who's lost his go-kart.

You've had a video both for him and he's stunned happy.

I just think you're selfish.

Now it's intriguing to me because here's a film called Freaks featuring real-life freaks and you're sort of a bit non-plussed by it.

Just because it wasn't...

because it's built up.

If you call a video freaks, you've got to make sure that there's some good stuff on there.

Yeah.

What were you disappointed about?

Was it no?

Because there was a few things on it, right?

There was a woman who said she was half-man, half-woman, and it's like, well, you're not, are you?

It was just like she had some makeup on.

I thought, well, that's rubbish.

And then there was a woman who could eat using her feet.

That isn't that freaky.

Do you know what I mean?

If she's not hungry, she looks normal.

And that's when I was thinking.

I mean, I'm not being

right, Steve.

You know, I'm not being funny.

Oh, here we go.

No, no, no.

But I'm just saying,

if that woman wasn't eating and you were sat next to her in that film,

I'd probably be sort of drawn to you more than her.

I'm not.

I know you hate me saying it, but there's no point sort of pretending.

Do you know what I mean?

Boy, Muttley,

what are you sniggering about?

The bad face.

Well, you mean there were things in it that were less

what are you saying?

I'm just saying play a record.

Seriously I'll slap you.

I'm gonna slap you live on air.

Yeah, but you always go ahead.

I'm slapping you live on air, I swear to God.

Play a song on a sound.

It's playing a song.

I'll play a song for it.

Keep the favorite record.

Let's see what the

it happened again, Steve.

What's happening?

It's going all wrong.

We're talking rubbish.

Are we?

Yeah.

We should have played two in a row.

He's having a go, ain't he?

Lymey.

Can I just kiss and make up with Carl?

No, that is.

No, let me just kiss my kiss.

But it doesn't, then next week it'll be the same again.

It doesn't mean anything.

It's like the same story.

Kiss on the lips.

Go on.

Carl!

Get off this!

I have never...

Carl has gone

a absolute shade of purple, straining not to have merchants f- There's no point, Steve.

No.

It's no point no just shake just shake and make up

shake what

there you go all fence sit down this that's lovely that's a lovely moment

half monkey half woman no not true it happened apparently it was in the it was in the daily mail

right

okay the victorian ape woman was a name yeah I christened this

thing a Victorian Ape Woman.

Well, we thought Sandra.

No, I'm calling it Victorian Ape Woman.

She was about four foot.

No, didn't happen.

She had lovely thick black hair on her head and on the back of her legs.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So stockings.

Let's have a look.

And she didn't need a bustle because of a huge ape-like arse sticking out of the back of her dress.

She was good at reading and sewing.

Well, it was good because they didn't have opposable thumbs.

So

she could speak three languages.

Yes.

Human, monkey, and monkey human.

Twenty offers of marriage.

Does that annoy you, Steve?

Absolute twaddle.

That's more rubbish than your soul weighing an ounce.

A Victorian monkey working.

See you next week with some more twaddle.

Peace train.

Isn't that brilliant?

Cat Stevens.

Now,

well,

I've sort of enjoyed the last sort of, you know, hour or so after

the disappointment of the Sonies.

I think we are going to give up, to be honest.

Do another week and then shoot off.

Yeah, knock it on the head.

Okay.

We were doing it for a laugh anyway.

But...

If they're not going to reward us for that, then

I'll tell you what,

but what about this?

Carl, can you find out who was on the panel?

Can you?

But what difference does it make?

Well, I want you to interview.

I want you to phone them up and I want you to tell them

why they didn't think our show was in the middle.

Yeah, let them explain themselves.

Just explain themselves.

They've got to stand by their convictions.

Find them all.

Track them down.

There's probably about three.

What do you expect?

I want to tell the truth.

No, you're right.

The monkey knew should have done the job for the other one.

I just want people.

I don't want to sit in a room and hide.

I want the three people on the panel, I'll find them out, to say, we didn't vote for you because we thought...

It was shoddy, amateurist, annoying, there was too much swearing.

I go, fair enough.

Well done, mate.

You.

We didn't vote for you because Carl's voice is an irritant.

Okay?

Okay, well done, mate.

You're alright.

We didn't vote for you because,

Gervaise, you're a fat, useless git who understands nothing about broadcasting.

You might steve something.

Yeah.

And I'll go, right.

I'm not so happy with that, but at least you told the truth.

But get them on the phone.

Find out.

Find out from Andrew.

I at least none of them have mentioned me, which is good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They probably all love Steve.

No one likes to pick on an invalid.

though.

Do you know what I mean?

That's.

I'm just.

We've got a player

request here for what's her name, who's

don't believe it, Steve.

Sonia, who's 18 today.

We couldn't find William.

It was really nothing worth Smith because

whoever is in charge of the library,

I mean, they probably won an award for it, but you know, she didn't ask for four non-blondes.

So I found there is a light by the Smiths.

So a week to go.

I'm rocking, I'm rocking.

That's feeder just the way I'm feeling on XFM 104.9.

Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Claire Sturgis.

Well, he's defying me.

He's not calling in.

We're going to give out his number, and he's not calling in.

That's even more annoying.

What does he think he is?

I don't know who he thinks he is.

I'll tell you who he is.

He is a little bold Mancunian.

Let's never let him forget that.

I don't know who he thinks he is, but there's the fact that.

Just, Carl, call in because you're annoying me and Steve.

He's been slagging you off as well, Steve.

Well, go on, what's that?

In the week, you know, he was slagging you off.

I mean, in the week, I was joining in and laughing along, but now I'm thinking I'm going to.

No, but now I'm thinking that you're more on my side than he is.

Thanks very much, Rick.

I'm glad to see you come round.

He said

I was

in the pub with him and Johnny.

Oh, right, so it was a little audience, good.

And he said, he went, oh, he went, have you seen men in black too?

I went, no.

He said, have you, Johnny?

He went, no.

He went, oh, there's a thing in it that looks just like Steve.

And I went, what?

He went, it's a thing, he's got really gangly arms and

bulbous eyes, and it just works really fast in the aliens registration thing.

And I went, all right, I said, we'll bring that up Saturday.

Since he's not here, you know, what do you think of that?

Well, I

just I

the reason is that I think the problem I have with is this that if if I was to say things like that about Carl I'd destroy him

He'd be a broken man after I'd finished with him call in Carl or Steve's gonna say a few things about you.

I'm gonna get a couple of home truths out there.

I can't believe it.

I cannot believe it.

Yeah, we haven't we were you know at the time I was joining in we haven't you know slagging you off on other things as well

but now I'm thinking maybe I maybe you were wrong.

Maybe I I was yeah, maybe I was taking the wick out of the wrong person behind their back.

All the phones going, play there, break a stop.

Oh, it might be Carl.

Wow, here's a bit of a turn up for the books.

Carl Pilkington on the line.

Yeah, where you been?

I'm off ill, aren't I?

Right.

Okay, what's the matter with you?

Just um

just a bit bunged up than that and got the shapes, got that sort of

that shaky thing I get.

Yeah, that's'cause you didn't eat last time when Suzanne was at work.

Yeah, well, I think that's what brought it on.

Plus, she was away in the week and I put some wet jeans on.

And that's I think that's what's caused the problems.

Why did you put them on your head?

No, they were just on the maiden and the legs felt dry, but they were.

Just on the what?

On the what?

Have you got the old?

Got the maiden?

What was she doing there?

What do you mean?

On the maiden that you put clothes on.

What?

Your clothes horse.

Your clothes horse.

Well, yeah.

Right, okay.

So you put wet jeans on, yeah.

So that's why I'm ill on that.

I'm not having a good time.

I've been watching the football.

So you're just sitting at home watching Teddy, where you could have been sitting here.

Well, I would have been better off there because I've got a chair there.

I've got no chair at home at the moment because I sold it last week.

Why did you sell a chair?

What?

You only have one chair.

didn't you?

What?

Look, can't we just.

I just was calling up to let you know I was alright and that.

We're not interested in that.

We want to know about the chair.

I sold it.

I had a little two-seater, and I sold it because I'm getting a new one, but I've got to wait another month.

So you've got to sit on the floor for a second.

So you sold a chair before you had another one?

She might not have wanted to buy it in a month or something.

So I got rid of it whilst I could.

She was alright, buddy.

We'll talk about that next week.

Oh, you're going to be in next week?

I look forward to that then.

That's a dynamite piece of radio to tune in for.

The day car sold a chair.

Brilliant.

Are you alright then?

It's going alright.

But why did you take this long to call?

We asked you to call since the very beginning.

We've been phoning you.

Why are you phoning?

I heard the beginning.

I heard the beginning of the show.

I thought, yeah, it's going alright.

Did there and stuff.

Turned it off.

You turned it off?

No, no.

I put a tape in, though, because even though I'm ill, I'm still showing an interest in it.

Well, you're not, if you're watching football and shaking.

Yeah, well, I'll I'll listen back to it later, so I hope you haven't been dissing me.

No,

definitely not.

Don't listen back to it, it's not worth it, but we haven't been dissing, you know.

No, I've just been watching uh a bit of football very much.

Did you watch the monkey programme last night?

You told us to watch the monkey programme.

We all stayed and watched the monkey programme.

Alright, well.

Was rubbish, wasn't it?

Obviously, obviously not half chimp, half human.

No.

I mean, they they missed out a lot of the the interesting bits.

They didn't have any interesting bits.

Those are the bits that you made up to make it more interesting.

The bits that I told you about about three months ago before they decided to make the programme.

Yeah.

What were the bits that you came up with?

Well, they missed out the bits about,

you know, the Zookeeper.

Right, there wasn't a zookeeper, yeah, go on.

Well, there was, but they left that bit out.

Well, okay, fine.

And

they left out the bit where it ran from there in 1975.

In terms of those that did research, they actually went and filmed it.

You read it on the internet.

Yeah.

Chances are you're the one with the facts roll.

Yeah,

I think they also left out the bit when it jumped over three double-decker buses on a

motorbike.

Evil Knievel's motorbike.

Yeah.

So I can't believe it.

I cannot believe it.

Not only do you not bother turning up, but you turn off the radio and start watching football.

Yeah, I turned it off, but I've recorded it.

I'll listen back later and sort of start.

But what good is that?

Sort of, I like to

keep it in shape and that.

I'll have a word next week.

All right.

If you receive any phone calls from people you don't know, we don't know anything about that.

Instantly, we don't know

why that is happening.

That is just going to be a weird, spooky thing.

And don't bother telling the story about Men in Black 2 either, because I don't think people are going to be interested.

Actually, on the subject of Men in Black 2.

What?

Have you seen that, Steve?

No, I haven't, Carl.

Tell me about it.

Go on.

Why?

Because

there's this

thing in it.

Go on.

What a stupid bold Mancunian tosser.

No, weirder than that.

There isn't anything weirder than that.

Hey, guys, it was gangly.

Keep talking.

You've got to see it because you wouldn't believe the likeness from that.

You've got to see the shame out tonight.

Right.

It's not as weird.

It had a normal voice.

Right?

He's done you and he's not even there.

I'll tell you what, mate, it ain't worth coming in next week.

Oh, stay on the line, Carl.

Play the record player.

Kings of Leon, Molly's Chambers.

What do you think of that, Carl?

Alright.

There's a surprise.

Oh,

that's awful remarks.

Steve is not a fan now.

Not only does he know you've been slagging him off behind his back.

I wasn't slugging Steve.

If you get it out on the DVD tonight, you'll know I'm not slugging you off.

It could be your brother.

I love the fact that it makes it worse, but he's thinking you're going to go, oh, he wasn't slugging me off.

It does look like me.

I do think I'm an alien.

I love the fact that you hope Steve will go, it's got a point.

It's a spitting image.

Yeah.

I am, seriously, Carl, I'm really angry.

I'm so angry with you at the moment.

You haven't seen it yet.

No, I know, because I know what it's going to be, and I'm just.

Why?

I'll tell you why I'm angry because he doesn't do it in jest.

What do you think it's going to look like?

What do you think this thing's going to look like?

It's going to look ludicrous.

It's not going to look anything like me, but he's going to pretend it does.

Go on, what?

Go on.

No, it does look like you.

Yeah, of course it does.

And you looked like the Hugh Manzee.

Well,

I mean, to be honest, you did a bit, Carl.

You walked like him, you bowled like him.

You got a sort of gormless face like him.

Anymore?

I don't smoke.

That does.

I'm not arguing with you.

I'm not well on that.

Oh, you're not well.

What exactly is wrong with you, you whinger?

Well, it's just, do you know, like I always tell you about the

restless leg syndrome I've got?

It's like

all all over.

So you're just shaking around the house?

I'm just, yeah.

What do you look like, Elvis?

What are you doing?

You're shaking around the house.

With your bold hair, you probably look an enormous vibrator.

Oh, God.

That's what you probably look like if you shoot naked.

Oh, you'll have a Scottish