Sky1 S1E1 - China (September 24, 2010)

The seven wonders of the world.

Christ the Redeemer,

the challenged Mahal,

the Great Pyramids.

Truly man's greatest achievements.

But there's one man who sees them differently.

If that was on my road, the council would be on it.

They'd go get that down.

It's a death trap.

Cow Pilking It's like a pylon.

I don't know the politically correct term.

Moron, I think.

He is a round, empty-headed, chimp-like mank moron.

Buffoon, idiot.

Is that normal?

But he's a friend.

We've often described him as being like some kind of real-life Homer Simpson.

Homer is small-minded, petty,

but at his core a good person.

And lovable.

Absolutely lovable.

It's like a game of Jenga that's got out of hand.

I can't get enough of him.

Is everyone going to be wearing this?

He's a typical little Englander and he doesn't like going out of his comfort zone.

Bollocks are squashed.

I just think that it'd be amazing to send him around the world.

What we'd like to see is him experience other cultures, other peoples, and see if in any way we can change his outlook on the world.

I've been to many exotic places.

I genuinely think travel broadens the mind.

I want him to hate it.

I want him to hate every minute of it for my own amusement.

Nothing is funnier than Carl in a corner being poked by a stick.

I am that stick, and now I have the might of Sky behind me.

This is one of the funniest, most expensive, practical jokes I've ever done, and it's going to be great.

Let me go!

Jesus Christ!

Alright?

Yeah.

I'm alright, yeah.

What have you been doing today?

Standing around.

You look nervous, you look uneasy.

Oh, I am a bit, yeah, it's not normal, is it?

What?

What is it?

You're asking me how my day is and a room full of people who I don't know.

Yeah.

Well, you're gonna get to know them.

You're gonna get to know them really well.

What, everywhere I go, these lot are coming, are they?

Yeah.

Well, they've gotta, they've gotta film it.

Otherwise, you'd be by yourself and we wouldn't see it on the telly.

Right, Carl.

I'm very jealous of your trip here, Carl, to the mighty Great Wall of China.

Well you say that, but how come I'm going and you're not doing any?

Well because we're executive producers.

Yeah we're busy, we've got other stuff going on.

See out of all the places this is the place that I'm worried about the most.

Why?

Just the way they live, the different.

What Chinese people?

They just wreck everything.

They make everything weird.

That's what I'm worried about.

Expertness.

I don't understand what you mean.

Everything.

Chicken.

Why is it orange in Chinatown?

Just the slightest thing.

The chicken is orange.

They eat anything.

You know what I mean?

Octopus.

Toad.

You just made that one up.

Say if I go over there, I have a bit of toad.

I go, do you know what?

It's quite nice though.

It's nicer than chicken.

Yeah.

It's going to be pretty tough to get a bit of grilled toad in this country.

It could make me sort of wish for stuff that I can no longer get hold of.

Have you been listening to what he's been saying there?

Yeah.

That he's scared to go to China in case he gets a taste for toad and then comes back and he can't get toad.

So I just wanted to check that you heard that.

The way they write, the letters are weird.

Their alphabet's not like ours.

Theirs like someone testing out a biro.

Everything's...

There's no logic to anything that they do.

There it is.

Every way they read a book, it's all the other way around, from back to front instead of from front to back and up and down.

And everything that we've done, they've gone, right, we're going to do it weirder.

That's how it comes across.

Well, some would say that they did it first, their civilization beat ours by many, many hundreds of years.

But anyway, right,

off you go.

See you when you get back.

Bit grey, isn't it?

Is today a cloudy day or is this pollution?

It's not worth having this in HD, is it?

Nothing looks crisp.

Everything's sort of hazy.

Some sort of Cape Bush video or something.

Can anyone speak English?

Does he want to give us a lift?

English?

Do Do you want to give us a ride?

Yeah, yeah.

Alright.

Doesn't seem to work when you smile at people.

Nothing, nothing.

Blank.

So I don't know if smiling means smiling here.

I mean, if they don't understand my language and they don't understand my expressions, I don't know what I've got to communicate with.

Alright.

Nothing, nothing, I've got nothing then.

I don't think I've ever felt this lost.

Even in Wales.

See what I mean here though, about things not being normal.

You know, I get off a plane all sort of achy and that, jet-lagged.

I thought, I know, I'll have a massage, that'll be nice.

Massage?

Hi.

I'm never gonna get to where I'm going, I haven't been to bed yet.

It is nice, though, to be fair.

That isn't, that isn't good.

How should we do it?

Fucking hell.

I mean, what was that a massage?

I don't know.

Or was it just being mugged?

Ha ha!

Well, I'm just trying to find the hotel that Ricky and Steve have sorted out for me.

I'm not expecting that much, if I'm honest with you.

I've got a room, Pilkington.

Nice.

It's compact, isn't it?

Yes, it's cozy.

Feels Chinese-y.

Yeah, it is.

Those slippers, they're mine.

Quite Chinese, aren't they?

Behind the club, you have a TV.

Any English?

No, only Chinese.

Okay, thanks.

Quite like this touch.

Suzanne wants a fish, so I'll have to let her know that I've got a couple.

I mean, that is for sort of company, isn't it?

It's not some sort of appetizer, that is it?

That's handy.

You know, I said that Chinese always come up with inventions.

They're quite futuristic with their ideas.

It's alright, innit?

Little radio with headlights.

I don't know when you'd need that.

I mean, the whole beauty of radio is, you know, you can listen to it in the dark.

I mean, if that was on the dragon's den, you'd say, I'm out, wouldn't you?

I'm just going to go and have a wander about, I think, because there's nothing else to do, so I might as well, you know, at least try and see a bit of the place, mix with the locals.

You know, that's what Rick and Steve want, innit?

They want to see how I can handle myself with some foreigners.

Carl.

Car.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Yeah.

L.

Carl.

Carl.

Carla.

Carl.

Not Carla.

Just Carl.

Carl.

Oh, Carl, Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

No.

No, no.

No.

Carl.

No.

Carl.

Carl.

You don't need to add.

Like this in your country, the Sha Sha Shashibia.

Sha Shabia.

Nima.

Shashibia.

Shaspia.

Shasbia.

Hamlet.

Chinese.

Shakespeare.

Shasbi.

Hamlet.

It's just breaking it up a little bit.

Carl.

And Carl.

Carl.

It's not Car, it's Carl.

Yeah, it smells more Chinese now, doesn't it?

Sort of sweet and sour.

Good, isn't it?

Is that dead?

Yeah, that's dead, isn't it?

Are they dead?

Are they toads?

So I don't get it.

Are they alive in that bag?

Why aren't they lagging it?

He's got like a Sainsbury's bag full of toads.

He rips them out, cuts their head off, sticks them in another bin bag.

I don't even know what that is.

I mean, it looks like a load of condoms in jam and water or something.

I mean, it's weird how he's got it sat there as if that's meant to tempt you in.

Well the idea was you know that I'd nip out and get a little snack because Ricky and Steve said yeah try everything out you know do what the locals do but there's no way I'm eating this stuff.

It's looks like they've got custard creams on a stick as well at the end.

Just anything on a stick, whatever you want on a stick.

I just don't understand why they're eating all this.

I mean, at home, restaurants will get closed down for having a cockroach in the kitchen.

Yet, here is a starter.

I didn't know it'd be like this.

I didn't think it'd be this mental, really, in the food department.

There's a woman over there just tucking in on a

bunch of scorpions.

Look at her like she's just having a bit of a chicken leg.

Not a problem.

Just shoving them in her face.

She looks at it before she puts it in her mouth, like, oh yeah, which bit will they have first?

The head or the arse?

I mean, as she's eating one off one stick, she's looking at the other sticks.

She can't get enough of them.

Her eyes, it's like the doughnuts to her.

She's looking at them, she's going, Oh, look at that one there, that one looks nice.

You see, I don't know where it stops.

Where's the line between food and insect?

She gets up in the morning, there's a spider in the bath.

What does she do?

Oh, good, I'll leave the croissant for tomorrow.

I'll eat that now.

What's he eating?

Oh, god.

What sort of egg is that?

Sorry, it's a fetus.

Inside an egg.

A fetus?

I don't know why any.

Just for people watching who don't know, he's with us, you know, helping drive the bus and what have you.

He seems like a normal bloke.

I mean, eating a fetus.

Not even waiting for the thing to be born and to live a bit and then eat it.

I mean, a fetus.

Only been here for a bit, I'm running out of these, I've got three more packets left.

But you know, the weird thing is, I'm the freak here, aren't I?

Everyone else is eating that, I'm eating these.

I'm the odd one out.

I had my name done.

That says Carl.

Could be that way.

Could be that way.

I don't know.

It's one or the other.

It could be that way.

Let's face it.

I don't know.

Could be any way.

I'm sure if you, you know, if you're Chinese and you're watching this, you know if I've got it the right way up.

But there you go, that's that says Carl.

I mean, I haven't got Suzanne a gift yet.

I could just give her this.

And so, yeah, it says Suzanne that

she wouldn't know.

Well, I'm I'm here to see the Great Wall, aren't I?

You know, one of the wonders of the world, but I'm just not in the mood.

Honestly, I'm still knackered.

I'm still jet lagged.

And just the weirdness of China.

That tires you out on its own.

It's like one o'clock in the morning at home.

I've got a message.

Hello, Carlmate, Stephen here.

Listen, I've got a little treat arranged for you today.

I know that you're fascinated by the strange, the weird, the esoteric, and obviously one of the big parts of Chinese culture is fortune-telling.

So we've arranged for you to go and see a fortune teller, get some predictions about your future, my friend.

Alright, enjoy.

Do people really believe that here?

I mean, are people taking kids in and saying to him,

right, here's my kid.

What's his future going to be like?

Because his life is gonna be a load of chite anyway.

End it, do him a favour.

But then he doesn't always work like that.

That's what I mean with fate.

I didn't do that well at school.

I left with an E in history.

So, say, if my dad knew that, he'd go, right, get the brick, and that'd be the end of it.

Whereas, look, I've done all right, I've got a job and pay my way in life.

I have got a bit of a problem with this.

A mate has sent me it to have this done.

I'm not happy about it, really.

I sort of think I'm better off not knowing.

If something's bad's going to happen, I prefer it just to happen without having a warning.

Time, time I was born.

A palm pilot, I didn't expect him to have a palm pilot.

Quite futuristic.

Do you know who Bruce Springsteen is?

He's got the same birth date as me.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm concentrating on calculating your future.

You have to pay attention to your health because you got some sort of heart problem.

Here we go.

What sort of heart problem?

Something to do with your heart blood vessel.

It's weird that, because my dad had a problem with his heart and they say it runs in the family.

So, is it going to kill me then?

90%.

90%.

Brilliant.

But maybe we can change it.

Although you have some health problems, we're going to do a ceremony for you.

But you do need to write a confession about what you did wrong.

Something I did wrong.

Something I did wrong in the past.

Good one.

You need to write three confessions on the three pieces of paper.

Alright.

When I lived in the other flat, there was a fellow who used to live in it called Bruce.

And I used to get his post and I'd open it.

It was his old flat.

I kept getting posts for him years after he'd moved out.

See, it's meant to be bad, that, innit?

Carl Grimshaw, I put putty in his hair and and he had to have his head shaved.

That's a bit tight, wasn't it?

And he had a funny-shaped head, so it looked really bad.

I put that down.

Carl Grimshaw for put putting putty in his hair.

I worked at this bloke shop called Bob.

I was his best paper boy.

So I'd collate all my papers, get them all, get them all ready, stick them in my bag.

When he wasn't looking, I'd just sort of take a Mars bar, slip it up my sleeve,

off I go.

So, every day,

seven a week for about

two years.

A lot of Mars bars, I know that, that's why it's on earth.

It's always been playing on my mind that, because I've since found out that the shop doesn't make that much money from delivering papers.

This is a healing process.

Now, everything is going to be fine.

The other two papers, one needs to be put on top of a mountain.

The other one needs to be put in the sea.

It will help you to cleanse your soul.

Brilliant.

Thanks a lot.

Just give us a second.

Just give us a sec.

You are kidding me.

Have you seen this?

Have you seen the things?

There's no doors or anything.

As soon as you open the door, you could just get a full view of someone.

I mean, if it was here, it's more understandable, isn't it?

Because you'd be sat here, and at least people come in and you'd sort of go, I'm in this one.

Well, it's a bit weird to just sort of wander in.

And

I mean, they've made this bit.

Why not just finish it off and put a door on it?

They've done the hard bit.

A couple of hinges and a door.

And there's no toilet paper.

What did they do here?

Did they just pull up the pants and walk off?

Is that what you do?

I'm not here to say they should be using toilet paper.

It's not right.

If that's not what they do, that's not what they do.

But it's just...

I didn't know that.

I didn't think China was going to be like this.

I thought it was going to be more...

Like I said, I thought it was where they'd made the iPod.

I think I've got the wrong place because this ain't a place where they need an iPod.

Have a toilet roll first.

I mean, it's weird because whenever you buy stuff like that, toilet roll levels and stuff, it says made in China.

Why aren't they fucking using them then?

That's odd, isn't it?

So he's got to leave the house and he's got to go do a feel-like one today.

I might do, I've had a bit of a dicky belly, I'd best get my seat.

Everyone who is walking past knows he's going to have a shit at some point today.

I wouldn't like that.

Do you know like how when I go into a public toilet, you like to nip him with a coin and open the door?

Yeah, sometimes.

Yeah, well, you couldn't do that here because there's no doors on the toilets.

toilets.

They were filming some stuff like on this street just with like traffic and stuff.

I said I'm just nipping in here.

Walked in, was greeted by two fellas squatting.

There were chefs from the place on the corner, so that's that's reassuring.

Oh no.

Honest to God, one of them was on the phone taking an order.

It was really.

I've never seen anything like it.

I don't think I could ever get used to that.

You need to have your own space when doing that.

And they're just there.

One's on the phone, the the other one's just sort of looking round.

That's unbelievable.

Yeah, oh, I mean, I don't know what people watching Sky are gonna do with the information Chinese people have a shit with no door while taking an order for food.

Well, he looked like he was sort of saying, I'll have it ready in like about five minutes.

Oh, no, give me ten.

Like, it is a good thing.

I'm never gonna order a number two, I tell you that.

Or or a kingpoo chicken.

Yeah, well, I'm seeing the Great Wall today, aren't I?

Ricky and Steve just said, get down to the bus depot

where there's loads of coaches and that, which, you know, I'm not looking forward to this.

Pilkinson, Pilkinson.

Do you know what I mean?

Getting on a bus full of tourists with a fella stood at the front yapping on, you know, with loads of history facts and just loads of stuff that you're never going to remember.

Is there an English bus?

English tour?

You not understand?

Looking Steve just said, come here.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Thanks a lot.

Hello.

Hey, what are you doing?

It's pointless.

Stuck on here with a dap dat on, not understanding what's going on.

I mean, this woman's friendly enough, but she's even sort of blanking me out.

The fellow behind me is coughing his guts up.

I thought I was putting on a waterproof coat in case it rained.

I need it just from this bus.

Why did they do that?

Here's the wall.

I can't see it now anyway, so it'll be a surprise for me.

How long does it take to get there?

I feel like I'm at the post office on on OAP day.

Wonder the world.

Look at everyone pushing and shoving.

This is it then.

It was heavily restored in both the 1950s and 1980s.

I didn't know that.

Not even old bricks.

Am I missing something here?

So the old stuff's gone, aren't it?

Really?

And then it doesn't count, it shouldn't be a wonder then.

You can't just build something on it and still, you know, get all the tourists in when it's not what it says on the tin.

What I'm looking at is basically a wimpy home.

You know, you can see it for miles, it goes on for miles over the hills and everything.

But so does the M6.

Do you know what I mean?

You can see that for miles and you go, great, and that does a job.

You can drive on that.

Got bears in here.

What's this all about, though?

It's almost like they know that the wall isn't that good.

It's like, what else can we give them?

We've charged them like seven quid to get in to see an old wall.

Well, it's not an old wall, it's from the 1980s.

I've got a mate who's got some bears.

Have you?

Stick them down at the bottom.

Yeah,

getting stood up.

Evolution.

The driver's getting involved, chucking it food because he's not into apple, is he?

I've seen what he likes eating.

If that was some sort of squid with a tumour on its head, he'd be tucking into it.

He's not into fruit.

To be honest, I fancy getting in there and getting a mouthful.

It's the first normal food I've seen since I've been here.

Hello mate, Steve Merchant here.

How you doing?

I heard that you went to see the Great Wall of China today.

I'm sure you enjoyed it.

And actually, Rick and I want you to see more of it.

In fact, we'd like you to see all of the Great Wall.

Literally all of it.

We want you to travel the entire length of the wall.

So enjoy it.

See ya.

What's the point of that?

Yeah, just a bit annoyed because you know, I'd thought I'd seen the Great Wall of China, which, being honest with you, it's not the Great Wall.

It's an alright wall.

It's the alright wall of China.

But, you know, I thought I'd seen it.

And then Steve calls up with some bright idea saying, oh, I want you to see more of it.

In fact, I want you to see all of it.

It's just stupid.

You have one new message.

Oh, come on, mate.

Come on.

I wouldn't be in contact.

You're not on holiday.

Still got other business to attend to.

You know the rules.

Give us a call.

You having a laugh?

This isn't a great wall, is it?

You're kidding me?

I mean, I like the way there's no tourists on that.

but then why would there be

this?

Is the original wall, isn't it?

Or is it?

I don't know, is it just badly done?

This is pretty shit, isn't it?

You're meant to be able to see it from the moon, aren't you?

The Great Wall

would you want to

Neil Armstrong getting his binoculars out?

Fuck you, no, have you seen it from up here, Buzz?

Jesus.

and the fortune teller told me that you know I had to get rid of one of my sins on a mountain so I might as well do it whilst I'm up there

that was the one about Carl Grimshaw getting put in his air

but you know it's worth doing isn't it it means I'm not gonna have a heart attack

well I've been travelling for three days haven't I I've walked miles, and let's face it, there's only so much time you can look at anything.

And the only reason I've come to this bit of the wall is because Steve said that there's a little village close by, and you know, he knows someone who's gonna sort me some dinner out.

You alright?

He's a big lad.

Just a little, little bit.

A little bit of

not, not big.

They seem like nice people.

I mean, I can tell that, just uh, even though I can't speak their language and stuff, they've got some food for me.

It's nice, but it's just a bit awkward if it's something I don't like, innit?

Because I can't,

you know, you can have, you can use your hands to say certain things,

but what can you do if it's something I don't like?

I can't sort of make a lie up.

What that?

What is that?

Right, forget it.

Forget it.

It's fucking hell, they're massive toads.

Yeah, it's toads in a carrier bag.

I looked at the wrong time.

I didn't really want to look, but when I turned round, it looked like she was having a wrestle with one.

And I heard like

so I'm guessing the toad wasn't winning.

And I've been told it tastes like chicken, so so I should just eat it and think, yeah, it's chicken, it's chicken.

Just nice chicken.

Why did she have to cave its head in out here?

Why can't she just do it inside somewhere and then I'd eat it?

Tell me after.

All right, yeah, I'll look in a minute.

Well, if they knew we were coming, couldn't they have just got something normal?

Why didn't you say to him, No,

is it alright if we bring Carl around?

Cook him something.

Yeah, yeah, of course you can, yeah.

What does he like to eat?

Does he like toad?

Just you surely, I mean, I know you don't know me that well, but you know me enough that I've never said to you, Do you know what?

I'd love a bit of toad.

I've never said that to you.

You could have just nipped it in the bud there and then gone, oh, he's not a fan of that.

He doesn't like it.

They're waving me over

because it's like a murder scene, like toad's bit of toad's head there.

Oh, look at this.

Chicken, chicken.

Just a little bit, because I'm not very good with these.

It's better than me.

That just looks like noodles.

Nice.

Lots of that.

You hit it, haven't he?

No, I love it.

Love it.

Just chewing.

I think the baby's choking.

Eating toad was weird.

You didn't eat toad?

I had a little bit of toad.

How'd you mum?

What the toad came back?

Like

tripping.

It was tripping.

This woman was forcing it to me.

She was saying, no, eat it, eat it.

Every time I swallowed it, it was coming back up.

It was like it was still alive and the legs were still kicking itself out of my head.

Right, no more.

What's he making then?

Not a toilet door, I know that much.

Hello?

What are you making?

What is this?

Coughing.

Coughing?

Is this for someone local?

What?

This lady here.

It's for this lady.

She looks pretty healthy.

It's better to make it now because when you're young, you prepare those things.

When you're old, you won't be able to organise this.

Wouldn't it depress you seeing this every day when you leave your house?

Not the way it looks, I think it's a nice-looking coffin as coffins go.

But I don't want to be reminded that I'm going to die, not every day.

I'm not scared of death.

i'm not worried about it

all right

maybe you can help me sending the coffin

i mean my flight isn't big enough to have something like this hanging around and i haven't got any outside space so i'd have to have a parking permit for this so i couldn't i couldn't be doing this at home but

there's something good about it because as you get older you know she's in her 60s it's a nice nice little project, isn't it?

She's got an allotment, this is probably sorted out, she doesn't have to worry about that.

The house is probably paid for, and you need something to do to keep you going.

If you haven't got any little projects, that's when you die.

So, in a way,

it's just something that when she goes to bed at night, she's got a little to-do list in her head.

Oh, coffee needs to be varnished, I'll have to sort that out.

Because there's not that much else around here, is there?

To keep your mind busy.

He's gone off now, he's having his lunch

and he left me here doing this.

You have one new message.

Hello car mate, Stephen here.

I just want to leave you a quick message.

We've sorted something out for you.

One of the great elements of Chinese culture.

Very popular, of course, in the UK in the 70s.

We've arranged for you to see some kung fu, my friend.

Kung Fu.

Yeah?

Enjoy it!

Kung Fu?

What do I see Kung Fu for?

Violent, isn't it?

It's pretty impressive the way everyone's remembered the kit.

It was never like this for me at school.

About 25 minutes was just spent with all the kids trying to find a pair of shorts out of lost property because no one ever remembered to bring the kit.

So it was more like a Trini and Susannah than a P lesson.

We'd all be sort of going, Are these your type?

Do you want to wear these?

I'll wear them.

Just, it wasn't taken seriously.

The PE teacher wasn't a proper PE teacher, he did geography when he wasn't doing PE.

That's why we have a load of fat kids.

Leo, how are you?

Yeah.

Welcome to Shaolin and where's the original kung fu coming from.

And you were going to see the kung fu training.

Alright.

This is the metal.

And they were going to put another third.

Even I use my finger, just have a little touch.

Alright.

Yeah, just tell me.

You don't have to do that.

Yeah.

And you will have a very big truck on the side.

Yeah, this.

That's gotta hurt, haven't it?

So I'll see you outside the hotel outside of half four quarter to five.

4am?

Okay.

Four in the morning.

Are you having a laugh?

Is he having a laugh?

I can't tell, they're hard to read.

Right, that's good, isn't it?

You know, I've been walking the wall for the last few days, you know, aching all over,

and now he wants me to get up at four in the morning to do some kung fu.

It's nice and relaxing, isn't it?

He just went

like that.

Oh,

come on.

Where did he hit it?

He hit it there, didn't he?

No.

Oh.

No

sake,

you are lit.

Infamous masters

when he said he was going to come round at four.

He was just having a bit of fun with me.

Nice start to the day, moon's still out.

Yeah, the thing is, I don't know what power I've got.

That's the thing.

If I start wrestling with him, I don't know how strong I am.

I might do some damage

by accident.

Because I don't go about punching people and stuff, so I don't know how hard I can hit.

I might really hurt him.

Say, if I'm just a proper mugger, and I'm walking down the street, right?

I'll look at you and

yeah, hang on.

Hang on a minute, yeah, just skirt back a a bit.

So, so I'm walking down the street, and I think this fella looks like he's got a few quid.

And I'd go, I'd go, I'd go.

Excuse me, you haven't got the time on you, have you?

Listen, give us your money.

All right, give us your money.

Oh, right, yeah, yeah.

Whatever happens, yeah, yeah, I know, yeah, I got it first time.

Come on, go!

Quigglet!

Faster!

Come on, come on!

Oh, God!

He doesn't know what my health is.

At no point since I've been here has he gone...

No, Carla, you know, it's a serious issue.

Have you got any health problems?

I'm always pushing a little bit more.

He loves giving pain out.

He's not a bodice, is he?

He's a lunatic.

Go it.

Go it.

Right.

Right.

What am I doing?

Seriously, what is going on here?

Okay, Carl, to give you a challenge.

Sort challenge.

What's the other challenge?

This glass balloon.

I'm going to threw the needle from this way to get this balloon.

You're going to throw a needle through the glass,

hit the balloon, hole in glass.

Yes.

So you can.

Hang on a minute.

Right.

One,

two.

no way,

Jesus.

I'm impressed with that.

You want to have a try?

Here we go.

Quiet, please.

Quiet, please.

I've not cut out for kung fu, I know that much.

That shouldn't hurt, should it?

Just having a cup of tea.

With all these aches and pains, and that, you know, Ricky and Steve have sorted me out with a Chinese massage, which isn't like them.

Get the socks off.

That's how it starts, isn't it?

You are having a laugh.

Come on now.

Oh my gosh.

See that?

Is that normal?

Straight back here.

Right, that's hot now.

That's mental.

Alright, that's hot, that's hot.

Fucking hell.

What is she doing?

What is she doing?

I've seen massages on the telly.

You don't normally have to have a fire extinguisher on standby when you're having a fucking massage.

What is this doing?

Traditional Chinese massage.

But why?

Tell me why, though.

Why is this traditional Chinese massage?

I think it relaxes.

No, it doesn't relax me, so what does it do?

Why is she setting fire to me?

What good is it doing me?

Don't just stand there saying it's traditional.

It's traditional, it's what they do here.

It's a delicacy.

What is she doing?

When have gloves on fire ever been associated with having a massage?

I can feel it.

I can feel it.

I might as well have walked in there

and been greeted by Edward Scissorhands.

Right, I felt that.

Put it out.

Put it out, please.

It's not a good sort of combination, that really.

Having something done like that with a woman who can't understand me.

This leg's fine, Teller.

This leg is great.

I just want this one doing, then we can go.

That's all.

Maybe she's just a a frustrated magician or something.

Couldn't get a gig doing magic, ends up doing back rubs, and she's come up with an idea with having gloves that are on fire.

I'd scream my head off, didn't I?

Cause it was and I'm not messing either for the cameras, because I don't really do that.

It really hurt.

What was that bleeping sound?

Fire alarm.

Well, I've travelled miles, haven't I?

And this is the end of it, is it?

I mean, I thought you meant to save the best till last, but what is this?

Bloody hell.

Well, that's where it ends, isn't it?

I mean, I haven't got another message from Steve saying, right, get your snorkel out.

We still haven't seen it all.

And this definitely isn't new, is it?

They've still got Andy Andy working on it, at the sounds of things.

Yeah, it doesn't feel like a wonder of the world.

Just this bit.

I liked it up on the hills where nobody was, but you've got a fellow down there selling hot dogs.

They've built a bit of a conservatory on it over there.

Bloke flogging photographs.

And them lot banging.

Just non-stop.

I don't get it though.

How come?

I mean, that's this isn't protecting anything, is it?

Because if the enemy was coming down there,

come across there, buy a hot dog, and then they want to get over it.

I'm going to go take your shoes and socks off.

It's not even that deep there, you can just wander around it.

So, what is it protecting?

It's my last sin

that I've got to get rid of

There's an old Chinese proverb by this Mao fella

that says

a toad in a well

only gets to see some of the sky

and if the toad came up he'd see more of the world

Which, you know, is a bit like me in a way.

I've seen more of the world just from doing this.

I don't know if it's made me a better person or not, but he's saying it is.

He's saying if you get out of the well

and see the bigger picture,

it's good for you.

But I'd say it isn't.

And the thing is, it's not even worth getting out and seeing more sky here because of all the pollution.

And definitely, if you're a toad, I won't get out of any hole here because they'll grab you and cut your head off and eat you.