BONUS: Words of Wisdom (Compilation)

What is your favourite word?

Uh

don't think I've got a favourite, because you only use them when you need to, don't you?

I don't just go about saying the same word.

So uh

Well, alright.

Yeah, it's not my favourite, it's just that it does the job.

It's it does the the necessary job for that time, doesn't it?

It's like, How are ya?

I'm alright.

It's a greeting.

What about um I think serendipity was voted England's favourite word.

Never used it.

No.

Stupid word.

Who decided that?

Don't know.

It was a poll, but I suggest things.

I can't believe people coming up going, um, favourite word serendipity.

Thanks for asking.

So, yeah, but the thing is, say, if it meant, oh, I'm fed up, would it still be the best word?

Is it based on how it sounds and how it's put together or what it means?

I think everything.

But then loads of words are being left out on, you know, which which are probably brilliant words, and they're not getting a looking.

Such as?

Well, like that one, fed up.

I'm fed up.

It sums it up, doesn't it?

Well, too, you know.

It just sums it up.

When someone goes, how are you?

You go, I'm fed up, me.

Sick of it.

It's another good one.

Are we getting to it?

Come on, tell me your other favourite phrase.

I've had enough.

It's just all stuff.

These aren't words, they're phrases.

They're all negative.

They're all whinging.

These aren't exactly.

These aren't words.

What's your favourite thing?

My favourite thing to do is moan.

Yeah.

That would be very.

It's not one word.

It's loads of words.

Fed up.

Sick of it.

Ah, geez.

Whinge should be your favourite word.

Yeah.

Whinge is a good word.

I like NGEs.

Lozenge,

whinge, flange.

Yeah.

What is your least favourite word?

It might be serendipity.

That would be up there for me.

I'll tell you what, that would be up there for me.

Probably like French words that have made it into the English thing.

Blancange.

Just just words.

There's an nunge.

There's an nunge there.

So, you know.

How would you just like it?

How would you dislike a blancange?

But just, you know, as if we haven't got enough words in our books.

Go on.

Because I was thinking about

alphabet, right?

Why have we got that many?

When other countries get by without that many letters in it.

We've got more words than any other language.

Well, but but that's because we've got more letters.

Well, I don't know.

So, if we've created a headache, I reckon you could at least half it.

Well, you probably could half it.

Well, you only use about half a dozen of them.

No, but stuff like an X, you look at words that have got X in, and they're always words that you go, what does that mean?

How has someone come up with that?

That's how it comes across to me.

And there's loads of big words, it's like dinosaur names.

It's like, well, look, nobody was about when they were knocking about.

So let's make up.

Let's learn that at least.

Let's make up some names for them using the letters that hardly get used.

They've all got Y's and X's in them.

Yeah, they have, yeah.

That's what I'm saying.

It's like, well, let's use it for that.

Yeah.

So

you just.

It's not so much what is your least favourite word, you just don't really like most of the words.

Just cut down the words.

Stop adding.

Stop adding new words.

I get by, I don't know how many words there are in the world, but I reckon I hardly use any of them.

Well, I'll tell you what, this year's word must be podcast.

Yeah, but it's That'll be in the dictionary.

But it's made up, innit?

It wasn't here before.

It's just another one.

This is what I'm saying about.

But what else would you call this?

You know, there is a new concept called podcasting.

There is a podcast.

But it's also broadcast.

We had a word for it.

It's still a broadcast.

Yeah, but they are.

Oh, you're a broadcaster.

Oh, what radio station?

No, I don't work on a radio station.

I do a radio show, but I don't understand.

I do a radio show and I upload it.

And I don't understand.

It's called a podcast.

Done.

Here's another idea.

Go add a new one.

Get rid of an old one.

Last one in, first one out, whatever.

Do it that way.

That's a good way.

What would you get rid of then?

So we've brought in podcasts this year, but what word would you lose?

Well,

what's the name?

Those birds that died out.

Dodos.

Get rid of it.

If the bird's gone, the word can, surely.

Again, I can't remember which show this was that we were discussing this, but we talked about one in phrases and quotes from the past.

We talked about Benjamin Franklin.

People have this is an email we've had saying, Carl, what do you take by the well-known saying, a stitch in time saves nine.

A stitch in time saves nine.

Or a stitch in time saves nine.

Yeah.

See, it's another one that

I don't think I've picked up on a lot of these sayings that have been sort of thrown about willy-nillily.

Willy-nillily.

Willy-nilly-nilly.

Okay.

Willy-nillily.

No, no, but again, it's one of them like last week.

I've heard of it.

But...

But what does willy-nilly mean?

Just sort of like throwing it about all over the place.

What?

What what do you mean?

But what someone said, what what does what does the term willy-nilly mean?

It just sort of means, you know, carefree.

That's right, yeah.

Okay, but what does a stitch in time save nine?

I understood willy-nilly, so you used a phrase,

you said it willy-nillily, but um you've sort of got the gist of it.

So what does a stitch in time saves nine mean?

I I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

Think about it.

A stitch in time saves nine.

Is it to do with sewing?

Well, yeah, sort of.

So if it's not that clear, so if you've got a so if you've got a jacket and the seam starts coming undone, oh, there's a little bit of seam in it.

I'll leave it.

Oh, it's getting worse and worse.

Soon your sleeve falls off.

So just need one stitch there, that'll do it.

If you do it now, later you'll need nine stitches.

And that, of course,

is an analogy to other things.

If you leave something that needs attention or repair, it'll get worse.

So do it now, do it in time.

They could have said a tile in time saves nine on your roof.

They just used a sewing analogy.

But it depends if you're busy at that point because

if you've got something else that needs doing, that means that isn't being done because you're messing about putting sorting out a hole in your coat, is what I mean.

You can't always do stuff straight away.

So maybe, I don't know, I don't know if there's a sort of a middle ground where you don't have to do it straight away, but stitching,

say in 15 or whatever.

Meaning, you don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad.

Brilliant.

Do you think yours is less poetic?

Than a stitching time saves nine.

So yours is, this is what you wanted to be a quote, right?

Well, you could do it now, but if you're doing something else, then you know,

well, don't do it immediately, but do it soon so it doesn't get really bad.

Carl Pilkington.

No, but that's the same way I treat most things in life.

It's like I never go to the doctors unless it's rough.

That is sensible.

That is very good advice no that's brilliant advice for anyone listening never go to the doctors unless it's really bad but that's why a lot of people particularly working class people you know

die because they don't want to bother the doctor or they're mildly embarrassed or they don't know symptoms bad symptoms go to the doctor if if you're if you're not sure about some like you were terrified to go and have your prostate

still not been not doing it why not i wish you wouldn't talk about it because now suzanne will listen to this and she'll go oh yeah you haven't been and start start dragging it up again.

But why are you worried about a little

qualified doctor?

I don't know what they're doing up there.

What?

They just pop in.

What are you talking about?

They pop their finger up.

That's what I mean, though.

Why?

Well, it's 2006.

Yeah.

Why are they still using the index finger?

Would you prefer the forefinger or the thumb, would you?

No, what I mean is...

Oh, we've got a thumb.

Or a thumb on a stick.

Some kind of thumb on a stick.

Yeah, would you prefer it to?

A mechanical thumb.

A robot thumb.

Why isn't it just a little camera?

Or something that kind of came out?

Well, they put the camera up if they initially discover something.

But just put the camera up straight away.

No, they don't need to.

They pop the finger up, feel that the prostate isn't swollen, wiggle it around a little bit,

up your back passage.

What do you want to do?

I don't think they need to do that.

Are you embarrassed?

Are you embarrassed about being in a room with your trousers around your ankles and little fellas pockets?

A little bit, yeah.

Why?

And the other thing is, it's not just that, is it?

So you go in there, they check your art out and that, which to me is the most important thing because that's what keeps you going, isn't it?

You've got to go there.

You sat on the bus stressing out, thinking, oh, in less than half an hour, I'm going to have a finger up your ass.

Right?

What is the wrong thing?

And they go in, they check your heart, they probably check your testicles and that.

What's up with that?

They check your testicles, yeah.

But it's all building, and you've sat there going, oh, soon that will be happening.

Yeah.

And that's what puts me off.

So if they just came round when you were asleep, Suzanne just let them in.

He goes, He's over there.

Right.

And they crept up and went,

bang.

You go, what are you doing?

I just don't understand why they don't teach you how to do it yourself.

How can they?

Imagine you squatting in a corner with one arm on your bollocks and the other finger up the arse going, it seems to be alright.

Carl, you don't understand the phrase, a stitch and time saves nine.

I don't think you should be doing any kind of invasive medical research in your own human body.

But but then who knows what trouble you're going to cause?

No, but then

you would get stuck.

Yeah.

You would get stuck.

Suzanne came out, your fist would be up your own arse.

What turns you on, creatively, spiritually, or emotionally?

Learning.

That's a nice answer.

Excellent.

Will you say that?

Yeah, but

everything you teach me, I take it in.

It's just that sometimes I go,

I don't get it.

But that still counts as far as I'm concerned.

Well, no, it doesn't.

Learning is knowledge is

there, must be some sort of retention.

You can't say I've got a great memory for a second.

You can't say that.

It has to stay there.

And then knowledge has to be

applied.

You can't just have all this knowledge that isn't applicable because it's useless.

And a trivia is useless to a large extent.

It's not real knowledge because it doesn't really help you

practically.

No, but there's a lot of that going on.

You're always reading stuff that you go, I've just read that.

It's got me thinking for a minute.

It's not going to help me in any way.

But it gets a reaction, doesn't it?

Well, that's good.

Yeah,

that's what art does.

And yeah, sometimes education's good for its sake if it really does inflame.

But then sometimes, like I've said before, you can know too much where it gets you down.

Go on.

I just was reading something about an octopus.

That's that's like a killer octopus.

And it annoyed me that this was knocking about now.

Because I didn't know, I thought they were quite friendly.

Whenever you see them in cartoons and that, they're always happy, aren't they?

And then suddenly, like, they've sort of brought the whole sort of

uh creature down.

Do you know what I mean?

No, what do you mean?

Well, just,

you know, when you see them in films, they're running about and that, and everybody likes an octopus.

But this one that's on the it was it was your fault, really, because you told me about that frog that's going about killing people.

No, I didn't say that.

So I looked it up on the internet at like other creatures and stuff.

And there's

some octopus that's in the sea.

And what it does,

you don't even have to like threaten it, it just spits in the water.

And if that stuff gets on you,

does you in

again?

I'm not so in a way, it's good knowledge because I mean, I don't go in the sea anyway because it's full of stuff like that, but that's just reassured me that I'm doing the right thing.

If they're knocking about, just goss in everywhere,

you don't even have to be near one, you don't even know if it's been spitting and stuff, it can kill you, it just seems unfair.

I haven't armed it, I haven't gone near it.

Why is it getting annoyed with me?

It doesn't seem right.

So that's where a knowledge has not helped that octopus out.

Because now, when you eat them, I just think, yeah, have another one.

Do you know what I mean?

Get rid of them.

Another conversation with himself.

Another conversation with himself.

What is your favourite curse word?

I don't think I do anything like that.

I just think people can tell by my face when I'm like fed up.

Well, they know you're fed up because you're always whinging.

I don't think I've got one.

Nobed.

That sums everything up.

And I think it's.

But you wouldn't call your nan a knobed, would you?

Would you call her a nan?

But she doesn't do anything to annoy me that much.

But if she did, what would you say?

If she really annoyed you, well, knob knobed's alright, isn't it?

Because

she sort of gets it.

It's one of them things that everybody understands, but it's not too offensive.

Right.

What a knob-ed.

Alright, you're getting into this, aren't you?

That sums it up, but I don't really.

Do you need one of them?

What's that doing for you?

It's better to think, innit?

Like, okay, I've just slagged off that octopus, but at no point was I effing and jeffing about it.

You know how I know what I am with it.

I don't have to start swearing about it.

And that's that's.

What would you you do, though, if you were swimming, right?

It was a nice little day.

You were on holiday, right?

And there's this octopus there, and you're going around, right?

And you just see it start spitting at you, poison.

What would you say?

Well, it's too late then, isn't it?

And I'd kick it.

And I'd say, you knob head.

I would.

But what's the point?

What's the point in getting annoyed now?

Because

it's done its stuff, on it.

He's kicking and clear, knob head under the water.

What is this octopus thinking?

Oh, God!

Okay, you fucking eight-legged shit.

I'm not bothered.

I'm not bothered.

I don't know what you're saying.

Fucking

fucking cunt of a mollusk.

I'm going to just spit at you again.

It's not bothered.

You slimy little fucking boneless wanker.

This is why the face is.

Are you still talking to the octopus?

It's a slightly truncated show, isn't it, today, Carl?

We've got a lot of change.

I don't like change, and that's what's happened.

I'm not like that.

You don't do you?

You're like Rain Man.

He really is like Rainman.

Anything change.

in a little routine, you can't.

I don't like to...

I'm not like Suzanne's mum and dad and what have you, where routine cannot change no matter what.

Like what?

Well, we've talked about it where, you know, if it's a Tuesday, I'm having sausage, egg and chips no matter where I am.

That's what they're like.

Right.

That's what they'll remember, actually.

When I'm saying about stuff about...

live eight and all that, you know, people will remember.

If people said to a dad, you know, you remember live eight?

Okay, what what day was it on?

Tuesday when I had sausage ink, and

nothing changes.

But the thing is, today, normally we have a bit of a, you know, I know what we're doing where and all that, and it's all sort of messed up.

We don't usually know what we're doing where.

We say, what should we do next?

But I know, like, rock busters have been done early.

Right?

So that's normally done early on.

Uh-oh, uh-oh.

I just don't like it.

I don't like all this change and that.

It's messing about, in it.

If you get, I mean, I think I read that a big chunk of ice

fell off one of the ice, what do you call them?

Caps.

Ice caps.

Something like the I think they said it's the size of the Empire State Building or something.

It snapped off and went into the water and it's melted.

And they said, Oh, it's bad news, you know, that

something that size is melting.

But the way I look at it, if something that size falls into the water, it's like a big ice cube and it's gonna freeze it up again.

Do you with me?

Not really, go on.

Right, you get a giant ice cube the size of the Empire State Building and stick it in the water.

It's gonna make that it's gonna stick back on again, isn't it?

Well, no,

only if it freezes up again.

No, if it does freeze up, it won't get cold again because you've just put a giant ice cube in the water.

So when you put an ice cube in a drink, the drink doesn't freeze, does it?

No, the ice doesn't.

No, if you put one the size of the Empire State Building in your glass of Jack Daniels, it's gonna make it freezing.

It's not going in a glass of Jack Daniels, it's going in the ocean.

I know, but I'm that you see that I'm using my fables.

Imagine the world.

I use your brain instead.

Sayings and that.

Stitching time saves nine.

Don't don't you know I'm never going to use that I don't think anyone.

Okay.

Suzanne.

You're never going to understand it fully.

Suzanne repairs me stuff anyway.

It doesn't doesn't really matter.

But what about the one

about the one in greenhouses and that?

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Yeah.

What is it?

Does that confuse you?

You've never understood that one?

No, that's that's a lot clearer, isn't it?

It's sort of saying, Don't be chucking stuff about if you're surrounded by glass and what have you.

Yeah, but don't forget, it it's an analogy, it's a metaphor, it it's not to be taken literally.

It's not really just talking to people who live in glass houses.

It's saying, uh uh uh hang on, sorry, before you say that, Rick, I just I'm intrigued to know if he's fully got to grips with this.

Just give us your explanation again of what you take that to mean.

Well, just don't be chucking stuff about.

So well, if that was it, they just say that.

No, no, but but that saying's been around a lot longer than we think.

That's when people probably did live in basic glass houses and stuff.

No,

what they mean now.

Nobody's ever lived in a glass house.

So,

cavemen went from rock to a nice crystal structure, did they?

What are you talking about?

When did people live in glass houses?

What they mean now, when that saying is used now, they mean sort of, you know, plasmatelles,

ornaments.

No, they don't.

They're saying don't chuck stuff about because you break it.

No, it's not about damaging your own property.

They don't mean you go inside the glass house throwing rocks inside your own glass house.

It's a metaphor.

It means don't be having a go at people if you yourself have got more to lose.

Do you know what I mean?

It means

it could be anything.

Don't start a war where you could come off bad as well.

It's about how fragile your situation is.

If you live in a glass house,

metaphorically, don't throw stones at someone else.

Because when he throws it back at you, your house is more easily damaged than his.

Again, metaphorically.

It doesn't mean that if you're living in a glass house or in a house with other precious objects, you don't, in your own home, throw bricks about.

Because that would be a very specific audience that I was trying to reach.

That phrase.

I mean, let's be honest.

What kind of a mental phrase?

You know, I think we've got the crux to this.

I think I can answer that.

Carl,

what is an analogy?

It's sort of like a little story told quickly,

in it's a little story told quickly.

To what end?

Well, it depends what the story is.

Okay,

give me an analogy.

Well, for me, I thought a one with the greenhouse, right?

It's no, it's a greenhouse.

It's before it's just a glass house.

Yeah.

Alright, then a glasshouse.

Okay.

Right.

You did what I mean is that glass house is metaphorical.

It's about the fragility of your situation as compared to your aggression or your...

You see, I just prefer sort of, you know, what you say is what you mean.

So people

who live in a glass house have to answer the door.

I don't know what that means.

I don't know what that means.

I mean, because you may be a genius, because I don't get that.

People who live in glass houses have to answer the door.

Okay, let's hear his explanation.

Because the people knocking at the door will be able to see you because it's a glass house.

But what...

But you literally mean it, don't you?

There's no analogy there or metaphor for you.

You literally mean if you live in a glass house and someone knocks the door.

So there's no hidden meaning there, is there?

Well, no.

You have to add a number of other things.

Another caveat.

Surely, if you live in a glass house, don't walk around naked.

Yeah.

If you live in it.

These are literal.

See, if you...

Now,

you could actually make that into quite a nice

saying there.

Because if that meant, if someone said that to me and they weren't a shaved chimp right if they said people who live in glass houses have to answer the door I think that means oh yeah it means that there are no secrets you can't hide behind anything if you're if you're very open if you've chosen to be totally open all the time you can't go back on it so people if you wear everything on your sleeve if you shout around and you tell the truth and you can't go back on it they can see they can see through you can mean that as well yeah oh right oh that's handy but I just the idea that in your head there are you need that there should be sayings for people who live in glass houses.

Who is it that's living in a glass houses?

Well, I'm not talking about them, it's just that if everyone else is bringing up about these people who are living in glass houses,

let's get to the real problems they've got.

It still hasn't got to grips with the idea of

the simile.

People who live in glass houses should live near a glacier.

Well, here's another saying, right, that I learned recently from a mate, right?

Oh, there's an elephant in the room.

Okay, I haven't heard that one, but explain it to me.

It's like

when something's going on in a room, right, but no one's mentioning it because everyone's a bit too sort of.

But in a way, it's better that it's out.

It's like how, you know, whenever we go out for something to eat or a drink or something,

it's normally after about five minutes the sort of topic gets onto the shape of my head.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I can't resist the shape of your head.

Right, so you're happy to be able to.

It's not just the shape, though, is it?

It's the state of it.

What I'm at.

Outside and in.

I I mean, it's a fascinating little obj d'art.

But what I'm saying is it's r perfectly round.

Uh it's got no hair where it should have, um, and it's

hollow.

The features are slightly too small for the face.

Yeah.

Unbelievable.

No, but what I'm saying is it's interesting how, like, I'm the elephant in the room, right?

Nobody's talking about it.

You mention it once, suddenly it's a talk of the town.

Is what I mean?

Everybody starts joining in, going, well, yeah, it is round, but it does suit you.

And these are people who I don't even know sometimes, and they're all dipping in.

And that is an elephant in a room.

So, you don't want people to discuss the shape of your head or the lack of hair, and

you would feel happier that they didn't mention that.

Sometimes I think it's better that it's out there.

It's made me a stronger person, though.

It's the same way, you know, we're talking about religion and that.

Samson Delilah, he got weaker without hair.

Whereas with me, I think it's made me stronger.

Because, you know, it's almost like it's treated like a disability.

Everybody's sort of mentioning it and talking about it.

What's it like having a bald head?

And you know what I mean?

So it's made me stronger.

But would you ever wear a wig?

Um

not really.

Why was a long wig like Samson?

Well, the only time I wanted a wig was when I did jury duty once.

And it was annoying that I was sat on the jury right in front of like these criminals.

Right.

Everybody else has got disguises.

The judges have them wigs on.

Right?

That's not a disguise.

That's a disguise.

That's why judges wear them, right?

No!

Well, then, why don't they print their name in the paper and have a picture of it?

What do you mean it's a disguise?

It's a disguise, and no!

If it was a disguise, they'd go in with one of those glasses with a nose and the beard attached.

If it was a disguise, all judges would look like Groucho Marx if it was a disguise.

Well, I'm just saying that's what annoyed me when I was sat there on the front row, right?

I couldn't have been any closer to the criminals, that, right?

I was sat there and I thought, why didn't I just pop a little wig on or pair a glass of water?

I would have loved to have seen you in the front row at Crown Court.

No, because.

I'd love to see it because in this country you're not allowed to show pictures of jurors.

You can't take photos in a courtroom.

So there's always these sketch artists that draw drawings and it's on the news.

The idea that we'd have seen 11 people and a sort of crusty the clown figure would have been amazing.

Yeah, oh, I would love to see the artist do it if you because it would be like complicated people.

Oh, hair, he looks into character for, and then just a little round

sitting in on the end.

Went home and looked up Freud on the internet, didn't find him that interesting, so looked at some other philosophers instead.

Socrates, Aristotle.

Why have you just listed some philosophers?

Just to show that I'm learning.

Well, that's not learning.

That's just learning their names.

That's a list.

You might as well write one to a hundred.

Yeah, but if someone says, oh, what's your favourite philosopher?

I'll go, hang on a minute.

And I've got them written down.

But why have you?

Wait a minute.

I'll go home, get my enormous diary out.

Yeah, yeah.

Get a wheelbarrow, bring in my workings, and say one of the names I've written down.

When they say, well, why do you like him?

Yeah, why do you just run away?

I noticed you put Socrates first.

What is it your favourite philosopher?

You throw the diary at them and leg it.

And then you go on to say, it's weird how names have changed, but then there's no other point there.

It just is, innit?

When you think about like Socrates,

I've never heard that on anyone who I know

Is what I mean.

It's just, in a way...

But you're not Greek, are you?

But how did that go about back then?

I mean,

say if you were phoning someone up and they said, I'm booking the table for two, the old name, Socrates.

Did he ever go, cheers, without going, can you spell that for me?

But I don't know what else point you're making.

I'm just saying it's a name that's awkward.

You're always going to have to go, can you spell that for me?

You go, and it's not just him.

Look at all them other names that are on that list.

But they're from a different country.

And a different era.

Yeah, I know, but the names I've been to Rome and stuff, and you sort of go ancient Rome, just old.

It hasn't changed, has it, Rome?

So it can be ancient Rome or Rome in 2006.

It's the same buildings.

I used to love Nero going around in his feet at Punto.

Lao Tzu from years ago came up with some good stuff.

One,

he who knows does not speak.

He who speaks does not know.

Not entirely true.

To lead people, walk behind them.

Yeah.

And of course, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

Yeah, good that.

Just favourites.

Maybe maybe this is why people are at the start line spectating at the Commonwealth Games.

Well, I no, it's just that I I've never understood why in Olympics and stuff like that

if you're gonna watch don't stand around the start line, go to the end where you see the winner.

But because of that saying, it actually makes sense, doesn't it?

It's like, well, every step starts with a step or whatever.

Say it again.

Every race, you know, you've got to start

with a step.

Yeah.

So,

which is to who am I talking to now, you or your brain?

Well, I was thinking about it a bit, so I think I was in control of it a bit more.

So, and what have you come up with?

Just if you want to stay at the start line, do

what does that mean?

I'm just saying, if you're into it,

I wouldn't watch a race, right?

Okay, if it's you or your brain, I'm talking to you now.

This is me.

Okay.

I wouldn't watch.

Are you going to bring the brain into it or is it there's no?

I don't know, let's just see what happens.

Okay.

But all I'm saying is, if I was to watch a race,

I wouldn't hang about the start line because

you said you would.

What, did I?

Yeah, you said that's the place to start because every race starts with the start line.

No, but I wouldn't normally.

Right, I wouldn't watch any race.

My brain definitely hasn't been used yet.

Is this you or your brain you're talking about now?

I'm just saying about me.

If I was on holiday

and Suzanne said there's a race going on down the road, I'd go, Well, let's go keep going down the road and stand at the finish line.

Okay, but now I've got to lazoo, I'd say, Well, hang on a minute, every s race starts with a single step.

Yeah.

How many people are on the start line?

Is there more room there?

And she goes, Yeah, I'll go, Let's go there then.

It's less busy.

Right, and what would you see there then?

I'd see people starting the race, but I wouldn't be that impressed with them'cause I'd go, Well, I don't know if any of these are any good.

So would you start at the start or the end then?

I'd I if it was down to me, I I'd just probably

stay at the finish line.

Okay, so you wouldn't want to see the first step then.

So what is the name of Lazoo now then?

Uh it's not what but I wrote down three of his.

That one isn't my favourite, that was the third.

I preferred the leading people from behind.

Okay, and what would you do to lead someone now then?

Um well if you're behind, you don't have to take responsibility, do you?

You can go, Well, I didn't say anywhere, you went there.

That's not really leading them though, is it?

Yeah, because I've made them think.

I've gone.

Uh

they'd go, Oh, I've just walked into a big hole.

I'd go, oh, should have been looking where you're going.

I haven't led them in that hole, but they've learnt a lesson.

They won't go in a hole again.

Anyway, listen, Rob's question is this, Carl, specifically to you.

Carl, if you could have a superpower like Superman,

what would your superpower be?

Can I suggest consciousness?

Yeah.

Can I have the power of thought?

Remember, you've already got opposable thumbs.

So cross that one off the list.

Oh, come on, Carl.

There are so many to choose from.

Telepathy, X-ray vision, flight, invisibility.

Choose it wisely.

Strength.

Intelligence.

But why have I been picked?

Oh, for God's sake.

No, no, but I'm just saying.

That's Rob's question for you.

But I just say, does anyone else want this?

Or, do you know what I mean?

Oh,

what do you wish you could do that's impossible is the question.

Or,

out of...

What?

What do you mean?

Because with that comes a responsibility.

With enormous power does come great responsibility.

So, would it w well would you like Spidey senses?

Is that what you're saying?

Would you like some senses?

Would you like some sense?

The power of sense?

Come on, Carl, you know what these superheroes because they can they can

freeze things.

They're never happy, are they?

Do you know what I mean?

Spider-Man that wanted to tell that girl that he had he could climb walls and that.

He's like, I can't.

Superman didn't never told Lewis and and that.

Who's Lewis?

Who's Lewis?

Who's Lewis?

It's just a pen pal, Superman.

Lewis!

His little secret chump!

Yeah!

Alright, Superman.

Hello, Lewis.

What are you doing?

Superman.

Who are you?

I can't tell you, Lewis.

Brilliant.

You know, Hulk.

He wasn't happy.

So...

But you're being allowed to choose the superpower.

You don't have to get it forced upon you like the Hulk.

Hulk, he wasn't happy.

It's true.

He's got a theme.

He has got a theme.

There's not many happy superheroes.

Leaving aside the superheroes you're already aware of.

Yeah.

What superpower do you want?

You don't have to fight crime with it, Carl.

Everyone around the world now

is thinking, what can Carl choose?

Let's deliver it to him now, Carl.

Think about it and give us the answer, please.

Let me just remind you of some of the other things.

Invisibility.

All the time, though, or can I sort of turn that on and off?

Let's say you could turn it on and off.

Would that interest you?

Yeah.

I'll have that.

Right.

Okay, and what would you do with this power of invisibility?

Just sort of wander about and just not get seen.

It's a brilliant power.

It's a brilliant power.

And why?

And it's put to such brilliant use.

It's really road bad.

And why would you want to walk around and not be seen in that?

What would you gain from that?

I don't know.

You could sort of

go in shops when they're shut.

So you don't have to go with the business.

How would you get in?

Just get in just before they lock up.

Oh, yeah.

How would you get out?

Wait till the morning.

Brilliant.

So hang on.

So that's your use of invisibility.

They found the power of invisibility.

You want to sneak into.

Never mind.

No, hang on.

You want to sneak into HMV, right?

Wait for 12 hours and then buy something.

I love it.

Just so that you don't have to be in there with other people.

Do you know what?

I don't want it.

I don't want a power.

Why not?

Because

I just don't think it'll do me any good.

I think it's more of a hindrance.

I love this.

It's like, just think of this presence.

We've given you a goat, a trip into space, and the chance to be invisible.

Not happy with any of them.

Yeah, what he wants is a voucher for HMV.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

He just wants some tokens for a record shop.

When are the exams?

June?

Something like that, yeah.

We're trying to register next week, and I reckon you can get an A or B in history.

In history.

No, don't worry about it.

It's just easy.

You've got your Brody's notes.

If Heat magazine,

they love you, Carl.

They can probably sort some out.

They can probably pay for a tutor.

They've got a lot of money.

They've sell a lot of magazines.

I mean, it is always, almost always, and you found that out, I discovered this, it's always the Tudors and Stuarts.

There's no fear for them not coming up.

Now, what do you already know about them?

You must already know stuff about Henry VIII and Elizabeth.

No, because it just is too long ago to even get interested in.

Do you know what I mean?

You can't

get into it.

The Anderson thing, it was like, God, you know, I bet my mum and dad were in an Anderson shelter.

You know, this is interesting.

What were they?

Oh, my granddad would have had something to do with this.

But the Tudors, it's like, I don't know even if they had a family back then.

The problem with the moon is.

Here's a statement.

The problem with the moon is.

Dot dot dot.

The problem with the earth is there's too much water.

No, the moon

it's been been around ages, on it,

but it's got no history.

It's got nothing to show for it.

Just a load of old rocks and stuff.

And for me, history is created

by stuff happening on it.

So, really, the moon, even though it's old, in a way it's new because it's untouched and that.

But we don't go to the moon to visit museums

or arcades.

No, but say, say, like,

Henry VIII, right?

You watch Antiques Roadshow or whatever, and some woman goes, Oh, this plate you've got, this was

Henry VIII's.

And as you can see, you can see the knife marks on it.

Oh, look, there's some chicken on it, right?

And you go, oh, God, yeah, that's amazing.

Then someone goes in and goes, here's a plate of Henry VIII's, but it hasn't been used, it's still in the box.

You'd go, well, it's not as good that.

It's not history.

No, because very often on the Antiques Road Show, they have Henry VIII's plank with a bit of chicken on it.

They kept that.

Don't throw that away.

Why?

Arthur Negas are like that in a few hundred years to come.

No, but do you understand what I'm saying?

Things are only good if stuff's happened on it.

The moon, you're up there, you're having a look, you're going, no one else has even been here.

But you go to the moon for research purposes, for scientific research.

What do you mean there's nothing there?

They're examining the soil and the environment and the air.

It's just a lot of people.

Well, they're not doing that, are they?

They're just not doing that.

Well, they're not at it because last time they went up, they were playing golf golf or something.

There's golf balls up there that they've been whacking about.

What sort of research is that?

That's what I'm saying.

There's nothing up there, so

why else would you go all that way and go, oh, nothing?

Fancy a knock about

why are they knocking golf balls about if there's really important stuff to look at?

You don't see people in museums going, fancy having a knock, knock some golf balls about now.

I'm looking at this vase.

Oh, right, that's interesting.

But on the moon, nothing.

Nothing to look at.

What other games have you brought?

That's what I mean.

And then we went and had a look at the volcanoes and that.

They've got 36 of them to look at.

How many did you look at before you realised that you've, you know, pretty much you've seen one volcano, you've seen them all?

Probably about six or seven.

Really?

And then when you got into the eighth, you thought, no, I know what this is going to be, Suzanne.

This is going to be like a mountain with a hole in the top.

Yeah.

Really?

But it happened years ago as well.

It's like, just keep a couple, fill the rest in, tidy it up.

Fill the rest in!

Yeah, no.

gains and builders no seriously okay four million tonnes of concrete please they're an absolute death trap yeah what yeah what do you mean fill them in do you know what a volcano is just a hole in it that's happened well it's more than the hole it's more a portal to the magma in the centre of the earth back in 1730 it happened and they still haven't sorted it out well when you say it happened

volcanoes were made a lot longer than 1730

but the one that did lanzarotti in right sort it out

what would you suggest?

How can they fill it in?

It's joined.

It's all joined.

It was a big plates of the earth are all joined.

It was a mass.

With the trade centre thing, that happened.

They cleaned it up, sorted it out, and moved on.

That's what I'm saying.

Whereas Lanzarote have just gone, leave it.

It happened back in 1730.

You misunderstand me.

How, in the name of God, can you fill in a volcano, you ignorant domestic.

No, but it's not just the the holes, they've actually left the lava everywhere.

That's what I mean.

It's not just the big holes, there's lava everywhere.

But it's molten rock.

They can't just pick it up like they're like a carpet.

Put it in the holes, the holes are there ready, just push it all in.

The world's oldest tortoise, a 250-year-old tortoise, died

last week.

Did it?

Yeah, in a zoo in India.

250 years old.

So would that have had that thing that they say about how you get a flashback of your life?

You mean your life flashes before your eyes?

Yeah, they say, don't they?

Just like on your last breath or whatever.

You

see you coming out of the womb and everything.

Well,

one, I don't believe that's true.

I don't believe your life flashes before you.

I don't know what evidence we've got.

People who die say, you know, you never guess what's happening.

No, but there's loads of things that have happened where people go, oh, that's weird.

That goes to show that we've been around before.

No, it doesn't.

There's none.

I have no evidence for that.

I told you that time when it happened to me when I was younger.

Go on.

Your life flashed before your eyes.

Well, it wasn't like a flashback, but it was close.

It's the next thing next to flashbacks.

It was

I was having a bath, right?

And my mum had like run the bath and that.

And

she said, Is that too warm?

And I said something like, No, it's it's all right.

This is a lot better than when I used to have a have a bath in that wooden bath in in front of the fire.

And she was like, What?

And I said, You know, it happened years ago.

She was a bit like, Oh.

And I can't remember that now, but she talks about it.

And you know, that just goes to show that.

Because I was at an age when I wouldn't have known about wooden baths years ago in front of the fire.

No, but you talk rubbish now.

So all you were doing, you were talking rubbish from an early age.

Where's the problem?

No, but you can only talk rubbish if you're aware of knowledge.

Well, you know, I didn't know about wooden baths, so why would everything?

But Carl, you've only got your mother's word word on this, and she thought you might one day be a doctor.

She put a rock with a feather on it to keep a parrot company.

Lest we forget.

Yeah, but I'm just saying.

Wow, it's all bollocks.

So, so you research this, you've tried to find out when little Karl Mark won and his wooden bath when he was a...

No, I don't want to go there, because that's when you start digging out all sorts of stuff.

It's rubble.

It's rubbish.

No, it's not rubbish.

Well, this is rubbish.

What sort of stuff might you have?

There's no scientific evidence.

No, just like I've said about family trees and that, don't be looking at them, because you're only going to find stuff you don't really want to know about.

It's the same as that, innit?

Leave it, let it be.

Do you know what I mean?

If your granddad was Einstein, you'd know about it because your family would be shouting about it.

If he was a bad one, you'd go, keep that quiet.

So don't look at family trees, and it's the same, don't be looking back in your past lives.

Because God knows what you've been up to.

Well,

Carl in the wooden bath, proof.

Carl Wilmington alive on air talking shit again.

But this tortoise, so if that's.

And also, its flashbacks would just be you know the same wall.

I mean it basically spent

I don't know how many years in a cage.

It was in the zoo so

it died of liver failure.

Which is a problem if you're a tortoise because with us they can cut you open and have a look at the liver.

With that it's going forget it.

We're not getting in there.

It's like you where you didn't want the plumbers to knock through the tiles to check out the piping.

It's the same with the tortoise.

If it's a liver we're not going through that.

It's not worth it.

If it's your head or your feet we'll have a look mate.

But we're not looking at internal organs with a giant tortoise.

Why not?

Because, what do you mean?

Can't you drill into those things?

It is only a shell.

That is easier to replace than skin.

Carl, I was joking.

You can't do a liver operation on a tortoise.

Why not?

It's got all the same parts, on it,

all the same body parts on that.

Well,

I don't think that's the point.

Well, not really.

Oh, yes,

but

better ones, in a way, because they live longer.

So they're doing something right,

aren't they?

If they can live two hundred and fifty odd years,

our our art can't do that.

Which is what I say about our tortoise has got it right in a way, that it's it's taking its time on everything.

We're rushing about, getting stressed out.

That's just, you know, getting on with it.

It's not rushing.

It eats healthy, doesn't it?

It eats lettuce and stuff.

So that's that's probably doing it right, but to be honest, it's too much.

I wouldn't want to live two hundred and fifty years.

Just eating lettuce.

Let's not forget that all the tortoise does is eat lettuce.

It's not like it's jet skiing weekends and then getting its lettuce on a Monday.

That's all it does is eat lettuce.

Yeah.

And that appeals to you, does it?

No, I'm just saying that it must be doing something right, though.

Of course it's doing something right.

Because it's living 250 years.

But all animals do something right, however long they live.

Mayflies live a day, but they're doing something right.

Well, they're not hardly, they haven't got a chance to learn how to do it right.

And then they're dead.

You know, that's from one extreme to another, isn't it?

That just seems a bit mental to me, that living a day.

I wouldn't bother, so forget it.

Could you be bothered?

You don't just as you get to know someone

another mayfly.

Yeah, but I'm just saying, if we had that, if that's how we lived our lives, you wouldn't have a chance to make a mark or anything, would you?

It's just

Disneyland, whatever.

No, I prefer to make it miserable so I don't miss it.

If you know what I mean.

But I was thinking the other day about

your body and everything, because it is amazing, isn't it?

How it works.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain?

I don't know if I'm in charge of mine.

Nor do I.

As a surprise.

Nor do I control it.

Do you know what I mean, though, by that?

Does the brain control you or do you control your brain?

But when you, don't you ever sort of think sometimes, sometimes?

Say if you're making,

no, no, but I was making a shopping list, right?

Going, right, I need some rice, kidney beans.

And I thought I had everything, and I sort of was rolling up the paper, and then something went, oh, an onion.

Your brain, something went, an onion, was it suitable?

Well, my brain, my brain sort of went, you forgot something.

Yeah.

I didn't think I'd forgot.

No, no, you are your brain.

No, no, but don't you understand?

The brain, my brain, was in, I was in control of my brain

when I was writing down rice and kidney beans.

But you're not in charge of the onion.

That's another part of the brain that's in charge of the onion.

Onion.

The onion sector.

No, but I put the paper away, put in my coat on, ready to go.

So they don't get the rice.

Yes, but your onion lobe kicked in.

Well, so you put the paper in your pocket, you've got the coat on, then you just suddenly hear it.

Then it was just like

I'm not even thinking about that shopping list.

It's in my pocket.

I'm thinking, do I need my gloves?

It's cold out.

Suddenly, onion.

And it was like, oh yeah, onion.

Yeah, I had to get the paper out.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Who's in charge?

The brain.

The brain, the mind.

The brain is the.

What are you doing?

Who's in charge?

You forgot the onion, and then you remember the onion.

You must have forgotten things in the past.

No, but not like that.

Not where, like, it just made me think, that was weird.

Who reminded me of that?

You did.

But I'm not.

No, you are your brain.

It's not like there's you, then there's a brain, then there's an extra one looking down at it.

Oh, the you know, the the meta-brain, the thing above it.

No, but your brain.

How does your brain work?

You give it information, don't you?

Well, it tells you.

You and you give it information.

If I sat in a room with nothing, not feeding it anything, you wouldn't know anything.

No, but there's this thing that there's two you's, it's this thing that there's there's Carl and Carl's brain.

Yeah,

there's not a duality in this.

If you go, come on, come on, now think.

That's the brain saying that to itself.

There's not two people in there having an argument, coming, come on, brain.

And the brain's going, oh, don't you start.

I was thinking then.

And the other thing's going, brain, onion.

And the brain goes, Carl, onion.

You are your brain.

If you are anything,

you are your mind, your brain, your collection of memories, your personality.

You're not what you look like.

Does that answer your question, Carl?

What do you think, oh, then?

You were thinking of a tortoise on a skateboard then when I said that last sentence, weren't you?

Last week we promised people that you'd research Sigmund Freud.

Yeah, but I had a look, but I didn't find him that interesting.

But that's not.

But this is what I mean.

This is what we were talking about.

You say you wish you could go back and learn stuff in school because you didn't.

You want knowledge.

You always say what you want to learn some day.

You want to learn something interesting every day.

Yeah, but you've got.

I gave him.

I had a look at the website.

Oh, SigmundFreud.com.

Yeah, he started that.

I just had a look.

I just did a search on famous quotes from

quotes.

Brilliant.

That'll get you everything you need, a quote.

No, no, no, no, I don't need to know his history.

That sums up a man's life work, a quote.

No, but that's what you're remembered for, isn't it?

Churchill will go on the beaches and all that.

Sigmund didn't really have any sort of.

Catchphrases is what you mean.

Yeah, yeah.

Things to your head.

Yeah.

Soundboards.

He wasn't good with the press.

Brilliant.

So you won't bother to learn about him.

We didn't even pick up a book.

I wouldn't know where to start.

Do you feel like you're thinking in your head?

Sometimes, like then I was.

But I don't know if I am because it's got a mind of its own, on it.

Did look at some of the things that he'd said, and the one.

Do it now.

Do it now.

What have you learned about Freud?

Okay, here we go.

This is Carl Educates, Ricky, and Steve.

Number one, Sigmund Freud.

Carl, tell us what you learned about Sigmund Freud.

Right.

All I remember

was

that he said, a baby,

you look at a little baby having some milk from its man's breast, right?

It looks well happy.

It has enough, it's full up,

it goes to sleep, it's got a smile on its face, right?

He said

that's what happened when you're older as well.

That's all I remember from all the things that he was saying on his thing.

He just said it's weird how, like, it's like

now to be fair, Rick, that is obviously in translation yeah i know in the original so i don't want you no i'm not reciting you know i mean freud has been discredited on on some issues and we've moved on with experimental psychology and and but that's that's the one that was interesting i don't quite follow so what do you take from that explain that to us in layman's terms um

i don't know you well that's pointless without application knowledge is pointless

But it's not knowledge, is it?

He's just saying drink milk all your life.

It's good for you.

No, he's not saying drink milk all your life.

What is this?

Is this an advert he's doing?

He also came up with Go to Work on an Egg.

Yeah, oh, Christ almighty.

But like I said, I wasn't that impressed by

his work.

Unbelievable.

Carl is allowed to vote.

He's allowed to cast a vote

in this country.

It doesn't make sense.

You know, I wish I hadn't.

I've only done it once, and look what happened.

I got called up for juror duty.

He's not doing it again.

People do what they do anyway.

I think they only let us vote so they so we feel like we're having a say in what's going on.

But really, it just carries on, doesn't it?

I haven't seen a big change.

But that's exactly why you vote.

No, the best thing you can do is look after yourself.

Get on with it.

Brilliant.

Okay, well I I hope that's a quote.

I hope someone out there who's uh you know maybe making a a dictionary of quotes or an encyclopedia and that they've finished with Freud, they've done Freud, they've done Pavlovi, a dog on the head with a stick.

Next, Carl Pilkington.

Carl Pilkington, what do you say about the world?

Just get on with it.

Well, we're not in charge of it, is what I'm saying.

That's nearly as good as let's go to the beach.

Winston Churchill.

I spoke to my dad about it, and he called up saying, Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, we're going to get some quality thinking here.

Go on.

Go on.

No, he was saying

about global warming and that.

He was saying he's sick of hearing about it.

Right.

Because at the end of the day, that's just the world and it.

We're all getting old.

And the world's getting old.

That's that's the end of it.

Brilliant!

What another amazing quote?

Well, it is

what we're trying to do.

This is what I'm saying about: we don't like people to get old.

We're always saying, oh, we can change that face, we can lift your chin up, we can put a wig on you.

Why are you so annoyed about people wanting to live a little bit longer?

Because enough's enough, is what I'm saying.

The world's the same, it's just getting old, and you know, it used to have more green on it, but now it's got a bit bald, so it hasn't got as much green, it's got more soil.

Treat the world like a head.

That's an amazing quote.

Treat the world

like a head.

You've actually come up with one there.

I thought of another phrase you could just sitting here talking to you.

Flogging a dead horse.

Yeah.

What do you think that means?

Flogging a dead horse.

A number of people are still amazed by your complete lack of understanding some of these famous sayings and phrases.

So

that's an easy one.

Yeah, that's like,

you know,

get a new horse or.

No, he hasn't got it.

No one's going to buy it.

No, it doesn't mean that sort of flogging.

When you're hitting it.

Yeah.

Right.

So what's the point in hitting it?

It's dead anyway, so don't bother hitting it.

It's not feeling it.

It's not pointing this.

It just means it's a waste of time.

Yeah, but it depends what that horse has done to you.

No, it doesn't.

No, it does.

It's that thing, innit?

Of like if a bear attacked you and you managed to hit it on the head and it went down, you'd go out and you'd be annoyed.

You'd still have built-up aggression.

You'd give it an extra clout.

Extraordinary.

I don't know who's compiling this book.

Sometimes it's worth flogging a dead horse if he did something to if he annoyed you.

With respect to Carl, never before have I understood so little of what a man says.

Virtually everything that Carl talked about was aloof to me.

What on earth was he ranting about?

Flies and condoms, monkeys and pushing the left button, cavemen and dinosaurs.

And that's just some of you.

I mean, let's be honest: if you are in America, I mean, actually, the accent is probably a problem.

But that is the best write-up we've ever had.

Yeah.

Flies and.

Imagine if you're a new listener, flies and condoms.

What on earth does that mean?

This one's from Kent Plummer from Nova Scotia, Canada.

He says, Carl,

he's wondering if you've got any personal mantras that you could pass along.

For instance, he reminds us of Ben Franklin's famous mantra, waste not, want not.

Who who said that?

Ben Franklin.

What was he?

What did he do?

What was his job?

Benjamin Franklin was a well-respected American politician from the 1800s.

He was a

thinker, a philosopher,

scientist, deeply respected,

also a main political figure.

He features on the dollar bill or the $10 bill or something.

So he's one of the great sort of American Enlightenment thinkers.

And he came up with the mantra, Waste Not, Want Not.

You must know Waste Not, Want Not.

I mean, that's just...

do you understand the phrase waste not, want not?

No, not really, no.

What does it mean?

You've never heard that?

I think I've heard it, but I don't know.

I've never I've never used it.

But and when somebody has said it, I don't know what.

Well, in context, it I mean, all I'm going to do now is paraphrase that and put some prepositions and stuff in it for you.

I can't work out how you can't work out what that means.

It's like don't throw stuff away because you might need it, and therefore

you won't be wanting anything because you didn't throw it away.

So,

so he was a bit of a hoarder.

Well, if you don't waste food, for instance, he was a bit of a hoarder.

For God's sake.

No, no, but I'm just saying, you know, he's a man in power.

Is that the best thing he ever said?

No, I'm sure he came up with many, many profane things.

So, why is that one of those things?

He experiments in electricity and conducting electricity, all sorts of things.

That impresses me more.

Inventing electricity than someone else.

He didn't invent electricity.

Wait a minute.

Did it impress you more than what?

Just saying, well, it's not want not.

I don't think it's that good.

It's not even catchy.

What I don't understand is

why he was the first person to sort of suggest: look, don't go chucking that out.

Keep it.

You might need it later.

He wasn't the first person.

Say that again.

That is brilliant.

Now, that, why isn't that catch on?

That is amazing that you've just come up with air.

That's poetry.

How would you word it?

I'd just say, whoa, whoa, don't be chucking that out.

You might need that later.

Don't be chucking that out.

You might need that later.

Carl Pilkington.

Whereas

Waste Not What Not is perhaps a little bit more pithy, a little bit more painful.

We should go through great sayings and phrases and see if he can.

Well, firstly, does he know what they mean?

And then, secondly, can he improve them?

That would be brilliant.

We'll do that next week.

So,

oh, let's see.

Okay, Winston Churchill.

Never have so few done so much for so many.

What do you think of that?

How would you do you know what that means?

So he's saying.

Well, it's with regard to the Battle of Britain and the pilots that gave their lives.

Yeah, I just.

I'd just be annoyed if I was one of them who gave a lot for a few or whatever, right?

No, gave a lot for so many.

If you were one of those few that gave so much for so many, i.e., it means

these few good men, their actions freed the world.

They freed the world.

They have an impact on every person in the world.

And they were a few brave men, yeah, and that's what he's saying.

Yeah, but what I'm saying is, if I was one of them men who gave up his life, right, I'd want a name check.

I don't want to be bungled in with everyone else who is saying a load of blokes gave other lives.

Well done on that.

See you later.

That's brilliant.

Did you just say bungled in?

Bungled in.

He made up a word.

I don't want to be bungled in.

You made up a word.

See, that's it, you see.

We've been looking for it.

That's original.

That's Carl Pilkington.

I don't want to be bungled in.

I think trousers are going to be stopped being made.

Just because you see kids now, they've got pants around their ankles.

They're going further and further down.

So I think that's evolution, just getting rid of the trouser.

It's just dropping naturally.

That's the evolution of the trouser because it's dropping increasingly.

You can see kids' underpants.

So they're just dropping.

I think they'll get to a point when they just don't bother wearing them anymore.

Prediction one.

That's an amazing one.

They'll stop making trousers in the future, okay?

We're going to get weaker.

That's already happened.

They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps a doctor away.

Now they're saying to eat five fruits.

So we've definitely

evidence.

You can't argue with that.

I'd probably put that first because the guy is right.

What's number two?

So swap that round.

Okay.

That's Give them the pants second.

Yep.

I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die.

They used to say, and after the day, keep the dogs away.

They used to say.

They used to say, put your trousers up.

No, they say, put them, there you can.

I've been such fucking people.

Number three.

Right, number three.

Oh, the scholars are now waiting with bated breath when they find this old scroll and they go, Ooh,

what can number three be?

I reckon we'll blend all our food.

Oh, God.

We were going to make a point of our race.

I never thought it would be.

we'll blend all our food.

Like they did for babies, you mean?

Just, yeah, I just think when you think about all the stuff we eat now, cavemen, chewing on big lumps of meat,

we had wisdom teeth.

Yep.

Now they say, oh, tuck them out, you're not using them.

Why not use them?

Because your food's soft.

Sorbet, soups.

You know, everything's softer, isn't it?

When you get an avocado, they say, is it soft?

Everyone's squeezing the food before they buy it.

Yeah, no one wants anything tough.

Yeah,

so I think chewing is a sort of thing from the past.

We haven't got the time to chew.

Everyone's like, hurry up, eat that.

You don't have to go out for dinner with Ricky.

He's like, hurry up.

I'm still eating.

Well, he does blend his food, I think.

Okay, so blending food.

Great.

I reckon.

What else do we do now?

So I've done teeth.

Done trousers.

I've come up with this idea.

It's sort of like glasses, but you can live wherever you want to live.

What do you mean?

Everything that's real, you're not looking at that anymore.

This is really the future.

I'd put this at number 10.

This is like.

We're only doing five, fuck me.

So what you mean is that you look through the glasses and instead of seeing what the real world, you see a tropical European.

So

if you're a young kid and you like the idea of living in the urban ghetto

with all graffiti on the walls and that, you can see that.

Yeah, but hold on.

Are you walking around?

Because you'll be bumping into stuff, won't you?

No.

Why not?

No, what you mean is that the stuff that's there in the real world is being digitally reimagined in your glasses.

So, what was a nice country lane is suddenly now an urban lane.

It's got loads of graffiti on it.

Sure.

Absolutely mental, pointless, whatever work.

Absolutely.

It's one of the baddest things you've ever said.

Really weird, that one.

Yeah.

It could be done.

I reckon it could be easily done.

Okay, okay.

Last one, that's number four.

I've loaded a bollocks.

So, what's number five?

There'll be more letters in the alphabet.

Why?

Why?

Because

we're running out of words now, aren't we?

No, we're not running out of words.

We are.

We are definitely running out of words.

She's using the letters we've already got and making new words.

No, but we haven't got enough now.

Of course, we have.

Have you any idea?

You could have a word with nine L's before you run out.

Yeah, and they do in Wales and what have you.

that's because their alphabet is shorter than ours.

They've only got something like 24 letters over there, right?

But they go mental with the L.

Now, what we do is we've got 26 letters,

but we are now struggling.

We're not struggling.

We are.

We're not.

Let me say stupid.

Boswallocks.

In shampoo.

Now, there's a word where they've gone, well, we've invented something, eh?

We've got something we're putting in shampoo.

Boswallocks.

Boswallocks.

You just made that up.

No.

It's now they go.

New with Boswallocks and ceramide ah.

Yeah, but that's a new word because they have to invent.

They come up with a new word.

But it's a terrible word.

Why?

Bozwollocks.

Yeah, it's another word.

Is that real?

You've made it real.

Yeah, I am.

That's a real word.

Now, this is what I'm saying.

So, years ago, when they came up with all the sensible ingredients,

sodium.

That sounds

good.

That sounds alright.

He likes sodium.

He doesn't like Boswallocks.

It sounds like something like an ingredient.

Well, yeah, but that's because you're used to it.

Is this a load of Bozwox?

Are you winding me up?

It's it's real.

And that's because 26 letters, we've wasted them.

Years ago, we went mental with the, you know, pneumonia, sticking a P on it.

And

there's loads of words where you go, what's that letter doing in there?

Whereas now, they can't do that.

They've gone, whoa, pull that back.

Why is that letter there?

And now you've got stuff like abbreviations and stuff.

Let's not waste letters.

Let's just control it a little bit.

Things, cars are called things like, you know, GTI or something, because they're going, well, I can't think of a word to call this.

So they're giving them letters.

Think of a word now.

Think of a word that hasn't been made up.

What do you mean?

What tell me a word that hasn't been made up?

All words have been made up.

No, one that hasn't.

That can be used.

Say if I invent something now to put in shampoo, what can I call it?

Quick.

Cranberry.

No, it's too close to that.

No, we can't get that past the advertising person.

Scrimpton.

Scrimpton.

Yeah.

Do Ricky two goes and you accepted his second one.

Well,

I think we've sorted out the future.

We get on to, I said, well, things are

saying

we can see the speed of evolution in lower life forms like bacteria, viruses, they evolved.

That's why

soon we won't have an anti-biotic that can kill some certain bacterial strains.

And he said, and this is about half eleven, and I said, I'm going to bed.

He He said, In the future,

they reckon you'll be able to wake up and eat a yoghurt you can have a chat with.

I don't know what that means.

Let's put a song on, right?

So, you're going to explain that?

Yeah.

You've got an explanation.

He said, they reckon, and

I said, I'm going to bed.

He went, no, really.

I said, no, I'm going to bed, Carl.

It's no point now.

I mean, it's just like you're talking Goldie Goop.

You know what I mean?

I might as well talk to a pot plant.

He said, in the future, they reckon.

I don't know who they are.

Sure.

I don't know.

People who post things on the internet that he reads.

Anyway,

complete the sentence.

They reckon that in the future you'll be able to wake up.

I love you.

There's always a little scenario, an embellishment.

Like this little...

Oh, hello, Darn.

Here's your yogurt.

Hello.

You'll be able to wake up and eat a yogurt you can have a chat with.

Alright, well, you know, thanks for that, Rick.

I'm looking at you.

I'm going to throw that over to Carl.

It's when I was away on holiday, right?

I got, I don't normally buy the telegraph because it's too big and that, innit?

So, but they were giving it away for free on the plane, so I thought,

might as well have it.

And I saw a couple of things in it, and I thought that would be interesting.

I saw this thing about the future, and it was talking about evolution and what have you, which I always find weird, because I always think that

maybe

we've sort of done it wrong anyway.

Do you know what I mean?

I sometimes think...

You can't evolve.

By definition, evolution can't get things wrong.

Things change, that it's not successful, it can't pass on its uh genetic material, or but i i i if if you're around, you it's working.

If you're around, it's working.

Slugs are as evolved as they need to be.

Slugs are as evolved as you.

Yeah, yeah, no disrespect, but it works.

It works.

What's your point, Carl?

No, I mean, I think we probably would have been better off staying as a fish.

Just because'cause there's more water than land, isn't he?

Right.

And you wouldn't drown.

This is why I went to bed.

No, I can imagine.

I'm thinking of dozing off now.

Yeah.

No, but it went.

Do you know what I mean?

From

it was bacteria, it was fish, mermaid, man,

onwards, and whatever.

So anyway.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

There are a few knowledge gaps in your theory of evolution.

I mean, basically, yeah, it it went it went bacteria, fish, mermaid, man.

So what next is the big question.

So it was telling you all about this and what I've been saying now, like we shouldn't have interfered because maybe if we wouldn't have invented planes and what have you, maybe we'd be able to fly and what have you really needed to and stuff like that.

So we've interfered with evolution, you see.

Right.

But then it was saying, well, what's the future, God?

Well, we, well, yes, in one way we have interfered with evolution.

Yeah,

the evolution of the human being in society is changing.

It's no longer based on the strongest or the fittest because medical science can keep us alive long enough.

People can pass and magnetic material where without this civilization they wouldn't have been able to.

So, yeah,

there are different

parameters, there are different pressures, there are different things that say whether we're going to pass magnetic material or not.

Okay, so in that sense, you're right.

And that, Rick, as far as I'm aware, has led to a yogurt that you can have a conversation with.

So, this is what it was saying.

It was just saying, you know, we're living in mad times and that, you know, there's a lot of weird stuff going on.

One of them is.

And the fellow was just saying,

you know, with computers and stuff like that, the way it is,

we'll be able to wake up,

have a chat with your yogurt, and have something to eat.

What do you mean, have a chat with your yogurt?

Because of the amount of, I mean, you have them yogurts already, those friendly yoghurts, those bacteria-friendly ones, so this is just a really friendly one.

Oh, God!

I'm my best!

Do you know what?

Sometimes, Carl, I think that we're having a chat with a yogurt.

There can't be any difference.

Yeah, but then I'm always reminded that would be more entertaining.

That would be more informative.

Just a good example, really, of uh

of how things can change.

At some point, their relationship was all rosy, and then it's uh

it all changes.

I mean, we're all being tested at the minute, aren't we, really?

With this uh

virus thing going around,

stuck at home home with your partner.

I've been alright, we've had the odd day.

Me and Suzanne had an argument the other day about who had the biggest head.

I don't want to go into full details, but

of who had the bigger head.

But it got to the point of getting out a tape measure and measuring the circumference.

And

it just all happened because they ordered a cap

that stated that one size fits all, and it fucking doesn't.

I just wish I'd sort that out because now I've got to fan it about and send it back.

One size fits all.

Annoys me.

But then again, I suppose that's what life's about, in it.

Getting annoyed, being happy,

being worried.

That's a lot, in it.

Being scared.

That's living.

I do like a good moon.

And I do like a worry in a way for a little bit.

It's a bit of a pastime, keeps your brain active.

I always remember a few years back, I used to think about death a lot.

You know, we all sort of come into the world in the same way, don't we?

But the way you go out, you don't know.

You don't know what your

exit strategy

is

it's gonna be

and I'd uh I'd let that worry me.

What's gonna happen?

Is it just gonna be in my sleep?

Or is it gonna be something horrible?

Um

it mainly happened when I could hear a clock ticking.

It was a little reminder that time was just you know ticking away and that's my life

and uh

yeah it used to bother me and then I read

a story

that

made me change my mind and it was about a bloke

and he um

he died in his bed

when

a cow fell through the roof through the ceiling landed on him

and and you know squashed him dead

and

for a bit I was like, Oh god, that's really bad.

That's that's probably gonna be me.

That

I have something horrible like that.

And but the more I thought about it, the more I thought, it's not it's not actually that bad.

It's not like um, you know, an illness that drags on and on, and you're getting weaker and you're just miserable, and you sat there just

you know, waking up every day thinking, Oh, I'm still here,

how long is this gonna go on?

It just happened quick,

and uh

and even even to the point of even if he heard that cow coming through the ceiling

I don't think he would have had any

any worry because I bet

I bet his brain was telling him he was still asleep and it was a dream

because why would a cow be coming through the ceiling

so

It sort of made me realize that it's the people who are left behind who it's more upsetting for, innit?

I mean, it's the wife, innit, who has to deal with the upset of losing her husband.

And

on top of that, she's got like a hole in a roof that she's got to sort out.

She's got to get a tile around.

She's got to have the sort of loft rebuilt.

Get a plaster in to sort out the ceiling.

There's a lot of hassle there.

And even before all that, getting a cow out of the bedroom, because that would have been wandering around, wouldn't it?

And that's not an easy task, shifting one of them, especially if it was upstairs.

If it was upstairs in the bedroom, they don't go downstairs, do they?

Um,

cows, there's something about the legs.

I think they can go upstairs, but they can't walk down.

So, all that asshole he's no idea, he's gone by this point.

She's got all this shit to deal with, and that's um,

it was after reading that story that I realised that you know it's pointless worrying about

when and where you're going to die, because you'll never know.

But all I did was I moved the worry.

I've talked before about the worry hole and you've got a s a space in your head that you've got to fill with worry.

So I went from worrying about how I was going to die and where I was going to die,

um, to just worrying that

Suzanne will die before me,

which I wouldn't want.

'Cause at the end of the day i

death is is more of a bore like

for the people who are left behind,

Which

will definitely be the case for Suzanne because she's got to try and find a coffin that will fit my big fat head in it.

So

that will serve her right for taking the piss.

A little bit of karma.

Right,

I wanted to talk about UFOs today, and I haven't.

I've sort of ping-ponged around a bit there.

Maybe do it next time.

Which I thought was a nice way to sort of chat about another mystery.

The mystery of UFOs.

I've sort of been watching quite a bit of footage on the internet of

UFOs recently.

I think it's just a good escape, and it, you know, everything's a bit sort of shit at the minute, isn't it?

No matter where you're living, no matter what country you're in, everything just seems a little bit shitty.

So sort of looking at otherworldly stuff

is

just a good escape.

And there's loads of footage out there.

Some of it it you kind of go, Oh, that looks good.

Some of it is a joke.

I mean, there was one that I clicked on, that was a bloke that was clearly off his tits because he was filming something out of his bedroom window.

He was going, There's a bright light.

Oh, look, I can't believe it.

I'm being visited.

There's a bright light, and it was clearly a street light.

So, there's a lot of knob-eds like that.

But now and again,

you get some footage, you'll hear an interview or something that you go, Well, this confirms it for me.

Like, you know, there's other stuff out there.

And it was

a bit of a chat that Joe Rogan was having.

You know, the Joe Rogan podcast, he was chatting to some commander who

was flying about

in a like a you know

fighter jet

and

and he was whizzing about enjoying himself um

turns his head

and sees this ufo just floating about above the water

and was like what's that and now this fellow's seen loads of stuff if there was new technology out there that we don't know about he probably would know about it but he saw this thing and he was like I don't know what that is and it started ping-ponging about all over the shop

he said it was shaped like a tic-tac and it moved about like nothing he's ever seen move about before.

It was like going left, right, up, down, and at high speed as well.

It just didn't make sense to him.

All right,

they got some radar footage of it.

I'll just show you that.

This was it here.

It was like moving along at high speed and it was just turning at the same time,

which is a bit odd.

But

who knows what it was?

But I've had a theory for a while.

Octopus.

If you look at them, they look a bit alien-ish, don't they?

This UFO was floating above the sea,

so there's a connection there already.

All the arms,

which you know would probably come in handy if you're flying about something that that commander saw.

I imagine that's got a lot of joysticks, a lot of buttons to press.

You need a lot of arms, so there's that.

And

I saw this video ages ago.

I'll show you this mimic octopus.

Now, the skill that it's got, it's like,

let me just show you this.

So, this diver here, there he is in the water,

just swimming along, minding his own business, doing a bit of filming, not much to see, really.

And he just sees this little bit of seaweed, thinks nothing of it.

There's a little fish, little black and white fish.

Oh, that's nice.

There's not much else here.

I'll just film that black and white fish there moving about and they oh good Jesus what is that

an alien that is an alien there

let's just rewind it again it goes from that just looking like a blob of moss

to that

that is amazing and off it shoots look going back to planet zonk

and think about it it makes sense doesn't it if you were an alien where would you land?

You wouldn't bother landing on land, on Earth.

Because it's not going to be left empty for long, is it?

You're going to find a little plot, you'll go, this is all right.

And before you know it, bulldozers will turn up and build a new Starbucks or something.

So they're better off going into the sea.

And there's more of it.

The Earth's 70% water.

So if you're going to sort of base yourself anywhere, you're better off in the water.

Especially at the minute, it seems like one of the safest places now, doesn't it?

I don't think they get the virus underwater.

And I tell you another thing that makes me think that I'm right here.

If you Google big

octopus,

what comes up is the Pacific octopus.

Right?

Where was this Tic-Tac UFO spotted?

Over the Pacific.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

Could be wrong, I could be right.

I can't imagine spiders from Mars Mars being any more weirder

than

spiders from Earth, to be honest.

They're just odd, aren't they?

How do you make them weirder?

I've been going to YouTube a lot during the

lockdown, and there's two things I go to if I'm not actually looking for anything you know in particular.

There's big waves,

right?

You know, you get like

fishermen or those blokes who are shifting freight out in the North Sea,

and they do videos of the waves that are outside during bad weather, and it's mental.

It's like 50-foot waves, and they're just

it just doesn't bother them at all.

You can hear them chatting to each other, arguing over a game of cards.

Meanwhile, outside, there's waves, like you know, the end of that film, Deep Impact, and it just doesn't bother them.

Yet, it sort of freaks me, it freaks me well out to know that waves are that big and are bashing about on the same planet that I'm sat on.

So, there's that

I like looking at, and spiders, and they sort of terrify me, but at the same time, I like looking at them.

And I think

the thing that freaks me out is the legs because sometimes the spider can be quite big, you know, the body,

but I can pick things up like beetles and stuff like that.

That have the same size body, but it's them legs-just big, it's the big legs that which is weird because

you know, one of the things that can make a woman sort of attractive is long legs,

and it doesn't

freak you out.

I knew maybe it would if a woman had eight legs.

I don't know, maybe it w maybe it wouldn't be I don't know, but anyway, yeah, just g just google um

the Goliath spider, will you?

Look at the size of that.

There's one on the internet, just uh I think it's the first image that comes up.

It's sat in a frisbee and its feet are hanging over the edge, it's got kneecaps.

Uh have a look at it.

I mean obviously don't if you if you're one of them people who doesn't like spiders and you can't even look at them, then don't, but it is mental.

Um

right the other day, I did some rock busters.

I thought I'd just um

give you the answers.

The first one,

the initials were AG.

The clue was, how would you

what did I say?

I said, I said, uh,

what's one of the ways you describe Kermit?

Right, how does Kermit look?

He's green, isn't he?

He's all green.

Kermit's all green, all green, all green, all green is the answer.

Like I say, it's a little bit cryptic.

You have to think about it.

So well done if you got that one.

Second one.

The initial was M.

The

clue was

I might phone you.

I might not.

So what's going on there?

What's another word for calling someone?

Bell ya.

Right?

You might bell someone.

I might bell you later.

So if you might phone them, you might not.

You may.

you may bell them.

Mabel, Mabel,

Mabel.

That's Mabel

who's out at the minute.

It's Nina Sherry's kid, that isn't it.

That's when you know you're getting old, isn't it?

When pop stars you listen to as a kid have had kids and they're now pop stars.

Madness.

So, yeah, Mabel for the second one.

And then the last one was DL.

The clue was the Australian asked the Impressionist

to do one of those people whose

arms and legs fall off.

So, what are they called?

They're called lepers, aren't they?

Lepers.

If you're Australian, you'd probably say lipper.

So, the Impressionist had asked the person to do

one of them people, so they're asking him to do a lipper.

Do a leper,

do a lipper.

A few of you got that, no problems.

So well done.

Something to do, won't it?

And might do some more.

Especially if this lockdown carries on.

The big topics are like happiness, death.

And the first one is marriage and sex and women and all of that.

And you meet this guy in Nevada.

His name's Vinny.

And he's a pickup artist.

He's not after long-term relationships.

No.

He's after,

you know.

That every night, but for me, that's that seems like a nightmare for me.

I've never been like that.

If you hadn't met Suzanne at that moment and you had been like this bloke and needing advice about how to meet women, I'd rather not bother.

It's too much effort.

And I think as soon as you've got to put a lot of effort in,

I think it's what's the point?

I think you've got to be really at ease.

I mean, I've been with Suzanne for 20 years, and some would say, you know, we've got a bit too laxidaisical.

Yeah.

You know, leaving the toilet door open or, you know, there's just nothing there.

We know each other that well.

Do you go to the toilet in front of each other?

Um, what I mean is, I don't say I'm going, you ought to come and watch, right?

But what I mean is, I don't, I don't bother locking the door and sort of wondering about noises and stuff

because we've been together for ages and we know that's what goes on.

Right.

I want to read out this bit in the same page where you're still talking about this guy.

You say, don't get me wrong, the sex thing, it's all right, but I'm not a great believer in going at it all night.

Get it done, go to sleep, it's not something you should drag out.

I think everything

needs to have an end, and if the end seems far away, I never watched Lost for the same reason.

Soprano's box set, I really like it, but it's massive.

You can have too much, so I'd say do it more often, but quicker.

And whenever I go to bed, it's normally because I'm knackered.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

By the time I get up there, we've got a cat now, so that delays things anyway.

So even if it was like, oh, maybe tonight's tonight, by the time you've got the cat out and locked up, and you know, we've moved into a house, so there's more doors to check.

By the time, and more floors, we're not in a flat, we've got stairs.

So, by the time you get upstairs, I'm out of breath anyway now.

And it's kind of like, all right, see you tomorrow.

I'm chattered.

Why no kids?

I still want, I just don't, I've

don't want any kids.

You shouldn't just do it for the sake of it, should you?

Because that's you know, that's not right, is it?

People always sort of say, Oh, you'll regret not having them when you're older.

But what about the other way around?

What about if you regret having them?

We're not sort of all cut out to be parents, are we?

It's just not for me.

And the thing is, I don't think

my genes are that good.

You know what I mean?

If I was a doctor or something, or I had a really good brain, I'd think, well,

those genes need to live on.

But mine aren't that good.

I mean, I'm in a right state at the moment.

I've got a bad leg, got a bad foot, bad back, my eyes are bad.

I've got to get glasses now.

Bald.

Do you know what I mean?

It's not some, I'm not a perfect model, really, for life to go on.

I'm not that important.

So I wouldn't want to wish this on anyone else.

I think if I got an urge to have a kid, maybe I'd adopt.

That's alright.

I think that's the way around it.

If I want a kid, there's loads of kids out there that need looking after.

I'd adopt one.

That'd be that.

And the good thing with that is, if he turns out to be a bit of a nutter,

I can sort of say to people, Oh, he's not mine.

So, in a way, I'm distancing myself from

him anyway, which is quite good.

So, that's what I'd do.

And he'd also have a name already, only when you adopt,

which is a big sort of pain in the arse thing you have to do, and it the amount of people that have kids and they go, No, we're thinking about the name, it goes on for ages, and then it's a big, like big news when they reveal it and all that.

At least with

adopting a kid, it comes with it, it's done.

Because they're getting sillier and sillier, aren't they?

Kids' names.

Really struggling.

I don't know what it is.

I don't know if it's because

maybe it is that thing on Skype and all that.

If you join Skype and you put your own name in, it goes, it's already taken.

Maybe people are getting more and more ridiculous just so the kid can have a Skype name that isn't taken.

So you're just coming up with odd fruit names and stuff like that.

It sound like Japanese cars, some of these sort of names people come up with.

So I think adoption is a way forward

if

I wanted a kid.

But I don't, so I'm not worrying about it.

So that was me there, just crying.

It sort of works.

I think people,

I don't know, they're fascinated by people crying now, aren't they?

That will work, I think.

You can't watch any programme these days without seeing someone crying, can you?

No matter what it is, whether it's a DIY programme,

just any programme.

If you see a promo for a film, a T V programme, there's always a clip of someone crying, because we like to see people crying, so that's why we've put it on the cover.

We love a crier.

There used to be a saying, didn't it, that people like a trier.

It's not, it's people like a crier now.

That's that's what you've got to do to get attention.

Scrike, cry your eyes out.

People it shows us I suppose it shows a weakness and people like to see a weakness in people.

Like Andy Murray, innit?

That tennis player, everybody hating him.

Oh, he's miserable.

As soon as he started crying because he lost, oh, I tried my best.

Everyone loved him.

Country just suddenly they went from that, from not liking him to loving him.

So that's what I'm trying to do there.

I'm not really crying, but it might con a few people going, oh, he has got a heart.

He does get upset.

This guy in LA, who's done a lot of stuff to his body,

that's the result of a lot of plastic surgery and liposuction and 120 procedures.

Yeah.

About 100 and what did he say?

It's about $150,000 worth of work.

I'm quite impressed with the fact that you don't care.

You're happy to stand there posing with your top off.

And let's face it, you haven't got the best body known to man.

It's not a bad one.

No, it's fine.

It works.

But I understand that any women watching this wouldn't go, oh, look at him.

But that's the reality, innit?

That's what most people look like.

Absolutely.

So I don't know what's happened where they think that's normal on the left.

All that, all them bits,

they're all implants he's got, the bits and his pecs, on the back of his arms, he's had stuff put in there.

Yeah,

and I was like, that can't be comfy.

No,

have you sort of laid on Brighton Beach?

Yeah, it's pebbly beach, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he should live in Brighton Beach.

And it's not nice, is it really?

It's bumpy.

And that's what I imagine it would be like for him to lie down at night because he's not lying on his own bits.

It's all lumps of stuff.

But honestly, the lens people go to, he was telling me about our people have the

ball sack.

Yes.

The testicle.

Not just that anymore.

Oh, what do they have now?

Ironed.

Oh, what?

Oh, really?

They have...

the things ironed because of the creases.

Oh, God.

They don't want creases in it.

It's just like, what?

I mean,

they want a smooth, smooth

ball sack.

And again, I was saying they're not, you know, lines on your face, it's about expression, it's about showing feeling.

I don't know why you'd, why your testicle.

What's the proper word for it?

Scrotal sac, maybe?

Is it?

Something like that, yeah.

The scrotal sack.

It's a scrotum, isn't it?

Your scrotum.

Yeah.

It's got lines on it.

Yeah, what's that?

I mean, they're not worry lines, are they?

No.

I don't know what they're there for.

I suppose it's to give it a bit of movement.

But at the end of the day, they've been like that for thousands, millions of years, or whatever.

Don't worry about it.

So, in this in the final chapter on death, you go to Accra, is that right?

And you kind of

and this woman's died, this kind of local figure over there.

Death is like the biggest bit of your life.

It's almost like you spend more money on your funeral than anything else in your life, more than your wedding, more than you're sending your kids to school and everything.

It's that's what life's about, having a brilliant send-off.

And it's sort of healthier to have that attitude, I think.

And

I don't know, I mean, I think I am pretty good

knowing that

you know, I know, I know that I'm gonna die, and I'm pretty good at accepting it.

And for me, that's what makes life good, really, knowing that it's gonna end.

When I was a kid, Pac-Man was a massive game.

Kids watching this, they'll go, What's Pac-Man?

But it's a game, innit, where there's a man eating like that, and it makes its way around a maze maze eating.

In fact, here's a little, this is interesting.

Oh, yeah.

Can you remember the noise of Pac-Man as it's going round?

Definitely, I can.

Put your finger in your ear and push it in and out.

Oh, yeah.

That's the noise.

That's what it's based on, I think.

Is it?

Yeah.

That's pretty good.

But anyway, so Pac-Man is just being chased about by ghosts, and you've got to run away from the ghost, don't you?

And

you know,

that's kind of his life.

And you get three lives.

But when I was a kid, I typed typed in a code.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That meant I'd have everlasting lives.

And even then, I remember I played it for, I don't know, 45 minutes before I got bored of an endless amount of lives.

But that was a point, I think, when it made me realize that living forever isn't all that.

Because for Pac-Man, I think his most happiest time was when the game was over, he wasn't being chased anymore.

His whole life was spent being chased.

A bit like lifestyle Are for Us in a way, and it's always someone mithering you for something.

You know, and he got in the corner and he had that tablet, and that made him happy for

a few seconds.

And again, that's like human life, innit?

You might sort of have a holiday or something, and that lasts a week, and then it runs out, and then you're back to being chased about.

And it was that fact that

it was lasting forever.

That's I worked it out then.

So, if you could have a cheat code for life, don't for life.

All right.

This is Yak.

Hope you're enjoying this compilation.

This is David Bowie's Starman.

Halfway point of the compilation.

Enjoy the second half.

Cheers.

Just before all this lockdown kicked off,

yeah, I saw him on, I think it was like the 10th of March or 11th of March or something.

And then here we are, five and a half weeks on.

I haven't really left the house since, but it was good.

He's in his 70s now, and yet he's still

sounds as good as he did back then.

And as smart,

he's always been one of them blokes who's been able to

wear a suit, you know what I mean?

And he don't look awkward in it,

which is something I've never been able to do.

I just can't.

I d I I don't know what it is.

I don't know what happens to me, but I

do you know like when you balance something on a cat and it doesn't like it?

It knows, you know, you just put like a little bit of a shoelace on its head or something, it holds itself odd and it doesn't quite understand what's going on.

I'm like that when I wear a suit, I just feel I just hold myself oddly.

But,

and it's funny actually, because Suzanne's been talking to

an old mate of hers who she went to

uni with.

That's what's that's that's what's been going on on it, really, during this lockdown.

People coming out of the woodwork and getting in touch with you and that.

I suppose it's a good thing, but I suppose people have more time on their hands to catch up with people when normally they're busy and all that.

But the last time

Suzanne saw her, I think, was at a wedding, like

17 years ago.

And a memory of me at that wedding is

I was the only bloke wearing combat pants to a wedding.

So

I've never been able to wear a suit.

I'd rather look odd and stand out wearing something comfortable than trying to fit in and not being comfortable.

It's pointless.

Which animal is the happiest of all animals?

It changes every day, like because it's been raining a lot.

I've been seeing snails

and

you know, are they happy?

They sort of seem just the way they

don't know, they just nooch about slowly, slowly, not in a rush.

I think that's that's the key to happiness, isn't it?

Not rushing about.

Snails don't rush about

and they're really free.

I suppose that's that's the thing that also brings happiness, isn't it?

That sense of freedom.

The way they can just go up a wall and if they get tired, they can just stop.

They've got their house on the back, they can just sort of camp there for a bit.

And I think that's uh, there's something in that.

They don't need loads of people around them.

I've always said, like,

with slugs, they're normally sort of on their own.

Whereas a snail, if you find a snail, there's normally another one close by, but they're never really close.

And I think that's good.

That's how I like to treat my family in a way.

It's like it's nice to know they're there, but don't keep coming.

Don't keep visiting.

You know, I can see you there if I need you, but you're not askling me.

And that's what snails are like.

You look out a wall when it's been raining, there's always a snail going up it, and you don't have to look far, there's another one.

And it's like it's just there.

If it needs a bit of help with something, be there.

So I'd say snails.

I'll go for snails today.

But the weird thing is, you asked me again on the 20th of June what my favourite animal is or what the happiest animal is.

I'll have a different answer.

Do you know what he said to me the other day?

This is unbelievable.

This is one of the most stupid, incredible things I've ever heard.

He was talking, and he suddenly stopped, and he was thinking about it, and he went, oh, I don't know what he went, you'd never see a black ghost.

Extraordinary.

True, though, isn't it?

I've never seen any ghosts, full stop.

There are no ghosts.

There aren't ghosts.

No, I mean when you just see them in like magazines and that.

Play a record!

This is a bit of a bigger issue.

We're always making more and more stuff, right,

in the world.

You know, big buildings, big planes, big boats, and that.

Will we ever get to a point where all this is too heavy for the world to handle?

Right, what error has he made there, Steve?

What physical scientific error has he made there with that question?

I can't begin to explain it.

Carl, we're not getting the rocks from other planets.

It's already here.

It's like having a big pile of books in a room and then moving them over to the other side of the room and build a thing going, oh, can the room take it?

I'm building a lot of things out of these books.

What about plastic?

Where's that come from?

Other chemicals that existed on the planet.

Yeah.

Do you see the point?

Hang on a minute though.

What about a little tree?

You plant that as an acorn.

It grows, Rick.

That's bigger.

That's more stuff.

Don't listen to him, Carl.

He's patronising that.

Right.

They grow from minerals and proteins already in our atmosphere or in our

the mass of Earth.

What about a cat, Carl?

Right, you get it, it's a very tiny kitten, but it grows up and it's bigger.

Carl, he's doing it on purpose.

Elephants, elephants, they're very small to begin with, but they get bigger and bigger and bigger until they get heavier and heavier.

You know, but you.

Either a chimpanzee with a typewriter with an infinite amount of time, he would eventually, by definition, mathematically, type everything ever possible, okay?

Or it's an infinite amount of

chimps with typewriters, and one of them will type it first time.

But already, that's that's sort of

that's not right.

You either need to have a lot of things.

What do you mean what?

You mean

employment laws?

What do you mean it's not right?

Let's hear him out, please.

If it's one monkey

with a typewriter that's got loads of ink in it and that, right?

At least it knows what it's done in the past.

Don't it's not

crying.

If you've got a load of monkeys,

it's like if you have too many, what's that saying about too many chefs?

Too many chimps for the soup.

Right, well it's the same thing.

It's like, well, I didn't tell you to put salt in it.

I was going to put salt in it, and it messes it up.

Whereas if it's just one, they know what's gone on.

So what I'm saying is...

I can't be bothered to do it.

I want to hear.

This blows my mind.

He doesn't know what this does to me.

It's a mathematical problem.

I want to hear the rest.

Well, it's just that I just don't think it will happen.

What do you mean you don't think it'll happen?

Infinity works it out for you, by definition.

But not.

Not Shakespeare.

Oh!

Shut up!

You idiot!

Rick, do you know what he said to me?

I said to him, I explained it to him.

I said, you've got an infinite number of runkeys, infinite number of typewriters.

They will type the complete works of Shakespeare.

He said,

have they read Shakespeare?

You're an idiot!

Play right there.

One prediction for the future, Carl, is from an academic study, what the world will be like in about 75 years from now.

And a big prediction they're sort of sure of is that androgyny will rule.

There'll be so little difference between men and women, apart from the biology.

Economically, socially, it won't matter who the biggest breadwinner is, that's already being phased out.

If you're in a traditional heterosexual male, female couple, it'll be who stays home, who earns the most, or whatever.

It won't be governed by gender.

And that's getting less and less anyway, as it is now.

But soon, you won't even need a female or a man in your life.

You'll just need the egg or sperm.

And you'll be able to have any coupling you want or not.

Thoughts, Carl?

That isn't what I've heard.

What were you heard?

I heard.

So you got you, you read an academic study, Rick, but let's find out what Carl's been reading.

I heard we're,

you know, we're all going to go ugly.

Different point, though, isn't it?

That's a different point, though.

Not listening to a word Ricky said.

No, it's just

if we all sort of go ugly,

that will sort the population out.

He puts an extra syllable in the word ugly.

Ugly.

Ugly.

Ugly.

So that dangerous sorts the population out because people aren't sort of having it away.

They're fine.

Well no, well then that doesn't sort of.

What do you mean?

Sorry, Rick, I don't understand what the hell he said there.

Are you saying because everyone's ugly, everyone won't want to have it away more with the ugly person?

Yeah.

Okay, I stood up.

You seem to understand what he's talking about, Rick.

I'm still confused.

What he thinks is that if we all if we're all ugly, then we still have this strange paradigm of beauty that won't exist, so we won't fancy anyone as much as possible.

No, no, they'll still sort of fancy because at the end of the day we're animals, aren't we?

Yeah.

So we'll still have it away, but not as much as they'd like to do now because it's all based on looks.

Sorry, so but what's this got to do with this?

What's this word like?

Describe because describe a typical town or country.

It's exactly right.

Imagine London, you've still got the gherkin, you've still got the big wheel.

It's just everyone's ugly.

Right, and they're and they're doing all the same jobs, are they?

Everyone's still, yeah, the world's got to carry on.

What do they look like?

What's ugly?

Just imagine,

like, haven't you ever seen anyone when you've just gone, look at that?

Yeah.

Right, well, like, like that.

Yeah, but hold on.

It's ugly by today's standards, is it?

So I throw forward to 75 years, you'll go, oh, everyone's what we call ugly.

But what's happened to society?

What do they think of everyone?

They won't suddenly go, and

it's annoying.

We've got uglier.

Because it's not ugly because...

Because we've all got better looking, haven't we?

If I look back now at a school photo,

you look at my class and you go, what was going on then?

Wouldn't you tell the difference between some of the girls and the blokes?

No, but that's not true.

It is honestly

a nutrition.

And I see that.

Yeah, when I see an old episode of Bullseye, I think, Jesus, the men look like rakes with no teeth and a moustache, and

they're bald with their hair down like a paedophile.

And he goes, and how old are you?

And I'm like, 52, 50?

He goes, I'm 22.

He said, what?

Yeah, but that's more because of the sort of people that used to go on bullseye.

I mean, you know,

Paul Newman was never going to pop on bullseye.

No, exactly.

You know, because he was actually a plumber from, you know,

and then think of the people that he grew up with.

I mean, some of them live in holes now.

Yeah.

So, you know, I don't think

the class of Pilkey 1982 doesn't really count.

When he said, we've got better looking, I thought he was going to talk about cavemen.

Not his school photo.

I mean, what happened there?

There's been no evolution in that time.

What are you talking about, Carl?

We've got better looking now, haven't we?

I wonder if he's confused it with the paradigms of beauty have changed, haven't they?

So So in the 50s, Marina Monroe was considered a very desirable.

Whereas that body shape on women more recently

has become less,

there's lots of skinny women are seen as a paradigm of beauty.

So that has maybe changed.

But we will change.

Yeah, we'll be not in some little fancy.

I mentioned before about

your little finger.

There'll come a time when that will go.

I've said, I've watched it.

I've kept an eye on what my little finger is doing.

Sometimes it does nothing.

It never helps out.

All the others are grabbing older stuff.

That one just sort of sits sits there watching.

So you could get rid of that, and I think that will go in evolution.

Think of the books he could have read when he was doing that, when he was monitoring his little finger.

I've been watching my little finger.

But again, it's what you mean.

Look, 75 years is nothing.

The only thing that changes in 75 years is trend, fashion, economics.

The gene pool doesn't change unless there's been some sort of really weird mutation due to an external force.

I don't know.

For things of science fiction fiction, where we all accidentally drank plutonium and got three eyes and one leg, it doesn't happen that fast.

I've told you before, if you shaved a caveman, he's basically us.

He's basically us.

He's basically Carl.

Yeah,

yeah.

But,

you know, the little finger will be, let me tell you, millions of years.

I think what's more interesting about the future, Carl, is the fact that technology integrated with humans will be fascinating.

So for instance, they're talking about the fact that in the future we may even be able to have chips in our head that allow us to access the internet or an equivalent of it directly, mentally.

Not so much.

Imagine what I'm going to say, not French fries.

Hang on, though.

At what point are we us then?

We are.

This is good.

Go on.

Go on.

Go on.

No, because if I can go on the internet at any time,

then that's going to know more than me.

What does that mean?

Okay.

When I don't know an answer to something now,

which is a lot of stuff.

Really?

Go on.

You watch the University Challenge and the stuff them kids on that know.

I was just thinking, where have they stored that?

Where's that gone in their head?

How have they left that somewhere and it's just sat there waiting to be used?

For me, if something doesn't get used within a time period, that's it.

But you're getting forgotten again.

Okay, that's application and training and all that.

I don't think that's it.

But basically,

you've got about the same hardware.

I haven't.

Honest to God, I haven't.

I know I haven't.

Your brain capacity is.

It's not the same as theirs.

It's not the same.

Well, you might not be what's considered as academically intelligent as them, but again, an awful lot of it is, you know, nurture more than nature.

Your brain's good.

Your brain is up there.

Don't worry about that.

Well, it isn't.

But listen.

So what I'm saying is, if I want to know the answer to something, I go on the internet.

Yeah.

Right.

Now, if I've got a chip in my head with Google on it,

I'm never going to use my head.

I'll just be forever on Google.

I'm never going to use my head.

Well, I'm not, because what.

What your head is, though?

Because I'm going to get it wrong.

The chances are I'll get it wrong.

So divert that.

It's like saying...

No, no, you can't bypass the brain straight to Google.

And so if you're having a chat socially, it's not like they're going, all right, Carl, how are you?

And you're not there.

You're asleep and Google's talking.

I think you'll find that they're there for you.

No, only for policy naked ladies.

No, only for questions, though, that I don't know.

But what I'm saying is, because I don't know a lot of of the answers, I'll just say forget it, leave it connected to Google.

So then I'm not me anymore.

Well, what are you doing?

Where's you gone?

I'm looking at Google.

So it is you.

No, but what Steve just said is we'll have a chip in our head

that can access the internet.

You know what I mean?

So why bother using the internet?

Because you're still the go-between.

You, Carl, are the go-between between the internet and whatever your mouse is.

He's going to be the internet.

He's a company.

He knows everything.

So you're accessing the information like it was part of your brain capacity.

But you're still processing and using that information.

Hold on.

Where does Google get the information from in the first place?

Someone on one of them bright people on the university challenge.

Yeah, a human being.

But I'm going to get lazier.

I don't watch a university challenge and go, I want to be like them.

I'm going to start reading books.

I've accepted I'm never going to be like them.

I can't play along.

All I tend to do is

I say to Suzanne, right, so every question now, I'm going to have egg as the answer.

And I'm hoping that one day.

What an amazing game!

What an amazing intellectual position!

What a lucky lady.

What does Suzanne say to that?

Well, she just sees it.

It works.

She just plays along, and then I'm saying, oh, it might be this one, whatever.

I love that because I remember once, it was about

five years ago, Carl and Suzanne were around near Christmas, and me and Jane were there.

We were playing different parlor games, like charades and that.

And then one game, you have to do that thing where you have to beat and you have to do animals, and you have to go

first.

One is A, then B.

So you say Ardva, next one goes beaver, next one goes cat.

It came to Carl, he panicked, and he went egg,

and he was on egg.

So you're sat there watching the University Challenge, and on a good night, it's you know, well-known Jeweler Fabergé is well-known for his jewel-encrusted war.

The Dumpty Dumpty is commonly pictured as a living egg.

That's what's wrong.

That's what I'm saying.

If you keep saying the same thing, eventually, it's like a broken watch.

Oh, because his wife looks like hey.

Yeah.

I've just got more chance of getting it right.

Sure.

But also, he told me when he plays University Challenge,

he said he's given up ever trying to get an answer.

So now he tries to guess who's going to answer the question.

Another great game.

His hands are empty on.

looks up.

How do you do with that?

That's not.

I'm normally alright on that.

Normally, alright.

There's gotta be something else.

There's another watch.

There's another evolution thing, though.

When you watch brainy people on that, or wearing glasses.

What does that tell you?

We are reading too much.

We're wearing the eyes out.

And you can't argue with that.

Because the evidence is there.

Most people on University Challenge, which is a quiz show, if people don't have that in the country,

it's the brainiest quiz of all time, innit?

To be honest, I don't know why they don't go on Who Wants to be a Millionaire or something?

Because they'll get a better prize than what do they win on University Challenge?

Because they'll be stitched up by a question of who's in Ollie Oaks.

It will be the yeah, but that's the snobbery as well.

It'll be what characters Andy Lincoln playing this life, and they won't get it and you'll go egg and you'll be correct.

But but that's uh that's the thing, isn't it?

This snobbery on like braininess.

The way that

if you're if you're a specialist in uh

I don't know what something well, no, don't help him, go on.

Finish just you've started a conversation, you're halfway through a sentence, you've got a point.

You can't bell out now.

Okay.

Say if you're a specialist in uh

Latin tattoos.

Latin tattoos.

Why Latin tattoos?

I didn't know you wanted something so specific.

So that's a tattoo you have on your arm with Cogito or Gosa underneath?

Or is it a chat?

Well, it's the only reason Latin's still alive, isn't it?

Right, right.

Tattooists.

So

you go on Mastermind,

and people will go, oh, he's clever, isn't he?

You got 40 correct in 60 seconds.

Now, if you go on and say

any questions about Coronation Street between 19, 19, 92, people go, oh, he's a bit of a knob.

Because there's a snobbery to education.

Yes.

But a question is still a question, innit?

Well, i to a certain degree, although

yeah, that's fine.

Um but there's no application to knowing who played in the sharples.

Whereas presumably there is something useful in um well not perhaps Latin tattoos, because

none of us understand exactly what that is.

But if you're a if you're a knowledge you have knowledge of you know uh astrophysics, obviously that's going to be, you know, as Ricky says, it's going to take more application to become an expert on that than watching Coronation Street twice a week.

But it's still information that you've had to learn.

You've not learned it, though, have you?

You've just sat down in front of the telly and it's just piped into your brain very directly and very easily and enjoyably.

Let's say the people working on that microchip that one day you'll have in your brain, are they not doing something more interesting and valuable for society than the Coronation Street fella?

No, because Coronation Street is that fella who knows a lot about it, at least he's enjoying his time watching that.

Oh, I'm not saying he's not enjoying it.

Sorry, he's enjoying it.

But, you know, a brain in a jar can be enjoying it if it doesn't know it's a brain in a jar.

Right?

So, what are you asking me?

But we were talking.

Didn't seem a difficult point for what we were saying.

What you were saying is.

Okay, one more go.

What do you mean?

The chip in the brain

isn't part of filling your head with stuff.

The journey of filling it with that stuff.

What do you mean?

Whereas if I just, if I'm, say, if you had a baby, the baby pops out, it cries a bit, they go, right, we've got what do you want your baby to be interested in?

And you say, I want it to be

a plumber.

You go, right, when it's two, we're going to stick a plumber chip in its head.

Right, yeah.

It's not right, is it?

No.

No.

I don't know why you chose plumber either.

Well, we still need plumbing.

Yeah, I know we do, but it's odd that they would have chosen but they've got such

kind of small

That's what his granddad did, and he, you know, he did they want the sort of thing to go through the business.

They own a plumbing business.

They want the baby to carry on the business.

They want the baby to be able to plumb.

It goes on now where

parents force the kids into riding horses.

And you see the kid without the parents about it, and you go, Do you like horses?

And they go, not really, being forced to get an horse.

You can't stand them.

And people would go, that's wrong.

The kid should have the freedom to decide if he wants to get on a horse or not.

That's right.

Yeah.

Well, what about this chip in the head?

But you've made this

scenario.

They're not putting chips in babies' heads.

I thought you said they were.

No, well,

I think Steve's writing, I don't know, I haven't read it, but I imagine he's saying it's the next step in convenience with technology and an interface between a human and a research tool or fun.

You know, computers went from being the size of a room to a thing you can wear on your watch.

So the next step may be, oh, you won't forget your palm top, you won't forget your iPod, you won't forget your laptop.

It's it's in there, it's an in there.

No, that makes us lazy.

But but you, you straight away thought that now that it went to some sort of weird

laboratory where it's all white and there's just a doctor, uh, and he's everyone's in a silver suit, right?

And they go, We're removing your the self, we're removing the self and putting in chip.

You are now a computer boy.

I'll watch Coronation Street.

Well, you won't in a few seconds, but

I hate Coronation Street to me.

Carl, it's not a question of,

it's not that Google is now Carl.

It looks like Carl, but it's just spamming, you know, little pop-ups about offers you can buy and all cheap holidays here and there.

He's not the man I married.

Right.

Look at it like this.

Jesus.

Look, I see it all the time now.

Go on.

You go,

where are you going?

to someone.

And they go, I'm going to

Dorset.

Oh, right.

What road are you taking?

Don't know.

I'll just pop on the sat now.

Now, that's a start, isn't it?

Okay.

Let's act that out with me, okay?

Um I'm going away for the weekend, Carl.

Are you?

Yeah.

Where are you going?

Dorset.

Oh yeah.

Oh.

How are you getting there?

Uh car.

Oh right, yeah.

Well which uh which way are you going?

Um dunno.

Why what do you wanna know?

Well just just making a just making a friendly chat.

Just you know, I m I'm interested in geography.

Which way are you going?

Well I dunno really.

I've I've got a sat nav in my car and and I'm going to get in there.

What do you want?

Well,

I'm not a pigeon.

I don't.

Have you got an A to Z?

Well, yeah, but it's

on a computer with the A to Z.

What's the difference between looking at an A to Z and

easy, though?

Not really, no.

No.

Why?

Why is it any different that I've got it computer eyes so I can go along?

The A to Z is a bit dangerous, isn't it?

It's a bit.

Don't do it at A to Z when you're driving along.

Clive, who are you talking to?

Because we need to hit the road.

We need to get going.

What is this?

This fucking idiot who wants to know what road I'm taking, which is a fucking boring thing to ask.

Who is this to African?

Because we agree, he's a fucking dickhead.

I think he's an A to Z salesman, by the way.

We're just telling we're using the Saturn because we're not going to be able to do

it.

It's the quickest, most efficient way of doing it.

No, but look, look, what's happened?

Would Columbus found America if he had had a Sat-Nav?

Yes,

he didn't put in America and he would have taken it.

He only found it because he got lost.

Now, if everybody...

Just hold on, hold on.

How would an undiscovered country be on a sat-nav?

No, go on.

But I I just mean

the satnav and the map in that regard.

Because I had found some lovely little cafes on roads I've never been on.

And I've easily gone from finding a continent to a little.

I love that.

I love that.

Little creases of the skin.

I am off to discover the unknown world.

Where are you going?

Well, I don't know, yes, the unknown world.

What are you taking?

Just uh but boatload all lazy swim, you can't.

I love the fact that he's so Luddite now, he's annoyed at the sat-nav.

I mean, you'd have probably given Columbus a hard time or got a compass.

Don't you know where North is, you twat?

I just think there's something in being lost.

I never feel lost.

I just think, oh, I've had a diversion.

Because you find new things.

I'm forever.

Suzanne's asking the French peasant where the.

I just think, you know, Columbus.

Alright, what's the most interesting thing you found when lost?

Like I say, normally I found a shop that was like a fancy dress shop.

Amazing.

Do you you need a fancy dress?

Do you ever go to Columbus?

I never went to Bottom Sat now, went to Dorset for the weekend.

You never go.

Why do you need a fancy dress shop?

That sounds like the one thing you would hate is fancy dress.

Yeah, but I like looking at the

they have like a space helmet in there.

Right, so you found a fancy dress shop.

Where are you supposed to be going?

That you got you had time to get sidetracked and go in a.

I thought I was going to a meeting.

Which is quite a lot of time.

That's amazing.

That's the last time.

I don't want to get lost.

You don't want to get lost doing it.

Because I always give myself loads of time because I get lost a lot.

I always give myself loads.

No, I'm just saying

that's how you find little treats along the way.

And next time you pass it, or next time someone says, Do you know where the fancy dress shop is?

You can go, yeah, I do.

You go, I've no idea because I was lost.

I didn't know where it was.

Normally I am.

Well, I'm not going to tell you.

Lazy Kun, haven't you got an AZ?

Well, that's harsh.

Yeah, find it yourself, you'd easy to head.

Or I might get lost.

Good.

You might find another one.

It just goes back to the chip thing in the head.

I think you've got to learn along the way.

We can't get lazy.

We can't have chips in the head, knowing how to plumb.

That's what it's all about, isn't it?

And making mistakes.

If you make a mistake, I've done some wiring, got a little shock.

Won't happen again.

It will.

I've seen that experiment with you before.

So,

there we go.

Carl as president.

He's still confused, aren't you, Carl?

Still a little bit.

Just a little bit sort of amazed.

Yeah.

By the body.

Yeah.

You're in awe of it, aren't you?

Just the way.

I'm amazed how two people can buy a baby on the internet for £3,000 and not realize it's a chimp till it goes to school.

No, no, no, but seriously, what would you know talking about there during Elbow and Fallen Angel?

We were talking about

that I think

if you're locked up, well not locked up in a room, you've got a normal life except there's no women in it.

Yeah.

But how would that happen?

What would this point of represent?

How would you bring it up?

Can I just ask you to?

Go on.

How can infinite monkeys and a typewriter...

Right, again, I've told you before, right?

That is is not...

You don't actually have to test that model.

It's

basically a model

that explains the nature of infinity.

Okay.

I've told you before, it works because of the definition of infinity.

There's nowhere in the world you'll ever be able to get an infinite amount of monkeys and typewriters to come.

But anyway, all I'm saying is...

I think if you don't know about women, would you crave for a woman?

Even though you don't know about women

when you hit sort of puberty your hormones would kick in and you'd you start getting urges but for what

if you don't know about it you don't have to know about it you don't when

if you grew up and you started feeling hunger you wouldn't go wonder what that is you'd go get me a sandwich i'm starving

it's different though it's different but i'm not um but but we're not saying it's uh it's all hardwired or people are you can't change their their natural state.

We do it all the time.

We fight nature all the time with conditioning.

Body's weird isn't it?

Yeah, well that's that one.

I'll tick that.

It's weird isn't it?

No the body is.

There was something did you read that thing the other week about um where were two penises?

No no no no we don't need that don't we need that.

Lawyer who got in office realized he was actually in orangutan and they just shaved him and put a sooze on him from Hugo Boss and the funny thing is he won the case and the judge said well don't send him back to j jungle.

Let him set off on his own.

Bodget, wibble, and podge.

You'd make the best judge in the world.

No, there's a fellow.

Here's a banana.

Hang on.

Here's something I've learned, remember?

Go on.

What?

The flea can jump over the London Eye.

No!

No, it can jump the equivalent of if it was a six-foot man.

It can jump that sixezy eye.

A flea cannot jump over the London Eye.

Yes, it can.

Yeah, it can.

Tell your kids that.

Carl!

Oh,

a flea can jump over the London eye.

And an ant can lift three Volvos.

We all change.

Carl used to have air.

Yeah, but

by your own admission that I had it for long.

You didn't have hair for long, did you?

He wasn't.

He didn't want to hang around my hair.

It was never, I've told you, it didn't feel needed, so it went.

I never did anything with it.

It was hair of a Chinaman, wasn't it?

Even the hairdresser said, he said, you can do nothing with this.

So what do you mean?

He said, it's just too.

limsy.

Limsy!

Sorry, was that

limp or flimsy?

I reckon.

Well, no, that limsy is a Chinaman.

Limsy gave his name to the

limp hair of the Chinese.

So, you think your hair bailed on you because it was not getting treated well enough?

I think that's true.

I think that's how it works.

But, yeah, I know what you mean.

You sort of

think about

if I've changed and that, but I don't think I have that much.

I still have the same sort of thoughts.

I like olives now,

which I didn't like probably three years ago.

Right, wow.

But you can, if you eat four in a row, you get a taste for them.

And I thought, go on, then I'll have five.

I thought, yeah, they're all righties.

So that's different.

But other than that, I mean, these are the things.

So, what were your dreams and ambitions when you were young?

Didn't have any.

It was kind of.

Five years old.

What do you want to be?

What was your thoughts for the future?

I didn't worry.

At five years old, you're not worrying about working and that.

Ten.

What's your hopes and fears of all these years?

I'm met in thee tonight.

I wasn't worrying about work till about

13, 14.

I was thinking right.

You know, people who were new had left school, they weren't getting work.

And I was thinking, oh, I don't want to be like that.

That's when I did boxing.

You know, I could have gone down that route.

Got into boxing, didn't I?

How many faced you have?

Didn't have about three or four.

How many

just when does brain damage kick in?

I guess it can.

I mean,

I guess it can happen almost instantly.

I mean, that must be

part of it.

Were you really, did you really get a bad beating on one of those fights?

Yeah, Leroy gave us a right good clackering.

Clackering.

Yeah, the thing is, your jab was a bit limsy, but Leroy's was clackering.

Then there was the dancing.

I don't remember this.

What break dancing?

Well, I did that.

I did a bit of body popping.

Yeah.

But did you ever really think that you might do this in the future?

You never know, do you?

But did you, at the time, do you remember thinking, oh, I wouldn't mind doing that?

I must have, must have thought that for me to go, well, let's try and join, you know, Twiggy's dance club and all that.

And

my mum and dad always sort of, you know, if you want to give it a go, give it a go.

With the boxing,

you know, my dad was saying, right, I'll get you the proper shoes and that.

And my mum's like, don't bother getting him then yet.

Let's see if he sticks at it for like four months because we were about 30 quid for him.

Let him carry on in my furry slippers.

Then with the dancing, it was the same thing.

I said, Oh, I need some leg warmers and that.

And

these tights are just as good.

Come on.

No,

my dad gave me

like his, he cut the sleeves off a shirt.

Amazing.

And they were your leg warmers.

Yeah.

Amazing.

But it's funny when you're a kid, it doesn't bother you.

But surely come off a jumper.

No, I don't know why.

I know it looked damn if they had cuffs on leg warmers.

That's amazing.

But when you're amazing,

it must have looked like Lancelot and Bowen doing a handstand.

But then, you know, that didn't last long.

And then my dad, you know, I was getting older now, and he's like.

Dad needs his shirt back for a wedding.

Yeah, as long as he didn't take his jacket off, it was fine.

Yeah, yeah.

Dad, I'm losing my hat.

I need a hat.

I don't need a bloody hat.

Pop my pants aren't fair.

But then you've got to make sure try and get a job, and school was sort of safe.

So 15 now.

Hang on, why did the Twiggies?

Why did you stop going to Twiggies?

Well, it was short, wasn't it?

Amazing.

Oh, it closed down.

Closed down.

It had a load of toilet rolls in there.

It'd been turned into like a storage unit.

I've never really

had like a dream.

I've just bumbled along.

Because, like I've said,

it's that thing of sort of

limsy.

It's like call my fucking blood.

There's no point sort of wishing for too much because if you don't get it, you'll be fed up.

So it's better just to sort of go, well, let's see what's around the corner.

This is what I've said to you about a sat-nav system.

Right.

It's the same thing.

Yeah, sure.

I have the sat-nav.

Type in where you want to go and it'll take you straight there.

But what I say is, use the back streets.

Have a look around.

Turn off.

Don't go straight ahead.

Turn right.

The little dead ends.

Yeah, have a look.

Or you might get mugged.

Have a look.

Don't go down the dead ends.

Why not?

You've got a reverse background.

There's nothing there.

It's dead end.

No, but have a look.

Well, there's nothing there.

It's dead end.

What's the road doing there then?

Well, it's a dead end.

There's no end.

But there must be something down there.

There's nothing.

It's just ends.

It's a wall.

Right, so it's not a problem.

Reverse.

But don't go down in the first place if you know it's a dead end.

Don't tell people to go down the dead end.

They've got to reverse out.

Difficult.

Well, I'd say just have a look.

You see, that's the difference between me and you.

I'd have a look down the dead end.

It's a dead end.

Don't worry.

Dead end.

There's nothing, mate.

Dead end.

Rubbish?

Yeah, no, nothing.

Nothing at all.

Yeah, no book going there.

Dead end.

Right, so I'll go.

Well, I'll just have a look for myself because I don't believe you.

Okay, well going on.

Right, I'll have a look.

Oh, look at this, I've found.

What have you found?

Box of money that you didn't know about.

All I'm saying is it could be a bad thing.

He has still got the brain of a 10-year-old, hasn't he?

He's still got the brain of a 10-year-old.

I'm just set your stall out.

Right.

So, where's the stall?

Where are you sitting sort of?

Because there's no third.

It's called a thoroughfare, yeah.

You want you want to be on a sort of public highway.

Where are you setting the stall out?

What are you selling?

What are you selling?

Well, this is what I'm saying to you.

What are you selling?

I'm selling a mixture of stuff.

What?

Like what?

All sorts.

What have you bought here with a bag of money you found in the dead end?

Leg warmers.

You got new leg warmers with...

Do you want cufflinks for them?

What?

Do you want cufflinks for them leg warmers?

Well, why would I do that?

Well, you gotta fucking look smart, ain't you?

You can't.

So you're selling.

What are you selling?

You set your stall out.

Yeah, right.

Now,

isn't it dangerous to sell all the same product in that shop?

Right.

Where's your nails you're going?

This is a metaphor.

This is a metaphor.

Yeah.

What are you selling?

What are you selling first?

Bang.

Two, three, four.

No, but this is what I'm saying to you.

This is what I'm saying to you, though.

I've just said to you,

you, I don't know what you wanted to do.

You haven't told me.

Right.

I'm saying.

Should I tell you what I want to do when I wanted to be.

At five years old, I wanted to own a sweet shop until my mum said, you know, you've got to buy the sweets first.

Right.

From ten, I wanted to be like a scientist.

Fifteen, a vet kicked in.

But at some point, you jettisoned all of that to try and pursue a pop career.

20, I wanted to be a pop star.

25, I thought I'd better get a job.

At 30, I did.

Me saying turn off the main road and do a right

is saying just have a look around in the same way that if you go into a shop.

It was a metaphor, wasn't it?

Yeah.

It was, yeah.

Yeah.

In the same way that if you go into a shop, you're thinking I'm getting a quarter of bum bombs.

Right, bum bombs.

Bum bums.

But by the time you get to the counter, you're clackered.

And you get some licorice all sorts instead because you thought, actually, I forgot about them.

Sorry, now this isn't a metaphor, is it?

This is a real shop now, isn't it?

I just mean you're going to be let down.

You're going to be very, very disappointed with life

if

you know.

I won't be disappointed.

If what?

If what?

The thing you're aiming for doesn't happen.

But what if it does happen?

I'd like to take issue with this because there's a lot of young people who listen to our podcasts.

And if they listen to you, this tripe that if you try for something in life, it won't happen, so don't bother.

I think it's a bloody disgrace.

Imagine if Leona Lewis had thought that when she went on the Bloody X-Factor.

She wouldn't have got punched by that bloke in that.

sense.

But you know what I mean?

She would not have been living her dreams.

Yeah, but we don't know what Leona wanted to do.

She might have been a dream.

She wanted to be a singer, that's why she's done it.

She might have had a backup plan.

Yeah, but she fulfilled the main ambition, which was to sing.

That's why she went on the show.

She didn't go on there because she thought I might want to work down a branch of water stone.

Do you think she went in there and said quarterbum bumps?

I know this is X Factor, but she went, I'll go on him.

What I was saying.

Well, what about

the girl who looked like a fat baby?

She went on there with a dream.

It's not going to happen.

Oh, yeah.

But the point is, I'm not saying you all have to go on the X-Factor if you're a hopeless idiot.

I'm saying if you've got a little bit of talent and you pursue it, it might take you somewhere.

If you want to be a vet or a doctoral pop star, you might have a chance.

You may as well have a stand for it.

They're saying, oh, that's alright, I'll just sit around in my underpants.

Yeah, they're doing a new one, the X-Ray Factor, where you can actually, you know, become a top radiologist.

But I've said this for an idea.

I think they should do that.

Because how many singers do we need in the world?

You see, that's the thing.

We're talking about the future.

I think we're not going to talk anymore.

I think we're all it's going to be like living in an opera.

The way things are going on now, everyone wants to sing.

Yeah.

Whereas if you did a T V programme to try and get a doctor, you know, X-ray factor.

You know, it's all about, you know, getting in young kids, do live surgery.

You know, there's big queues anyway.

People are queuing up to have operations done.

So you say, Look, Ilda, you have got a problem with your with your left bunion.

You can either wait for your proper uh doctor in hospital, but it's going to be a two-year waiting list.

Or you can have Jedwood do it.

Or you're free Saturday night live.

Because we've got two 17-year-olds who are going to do it.

Hilda.

She comes out.

They.

It's your little voice.

I've never heard him do a little voice before.

So I'm going to wait.

I'm going to do it.

Okay, good.

So this is, okay, what is this?

This is a talent show where people can have a go at being a doctor.

Well, this is like something from the Middle Ages.

But

they need volunteers who would rather have an apprentice, someone have a go.

It's not even an apprentice, it's someone with no training at all.

Yeah.

They learn how to do major operations in a week.

But no, not major ones, that's for the final.

You do have a final final.

Oh, of course, yeah.

You're not transplanting.

But you build an optional transplant for the final.

So, anyway, so it's Hilda, and Hilda's not the person, she's not operating, she's just the person who needs a bunch of people.

She's the foot problem, yeah.

So she comes in, they have a quick chat with her.

Have a chat with her, how's your life been?

Better co-play under her.

She's going, oh, it's terrible, I can hardly walk, and all that.

And they go, right.

Here's a fool who looks like a baby.

And then.

And you think this is a good thing?

You don't see any problems with this so far.

You've not identified any concerns yet if it means you get younger people into other jobs other than singing

i agree with you i think it's crazy that everyone now just wants to be uh famous a singer or something and we don't need them they're just contriving it all they're doing is knocking the last one off the top number one so it's just a factory but i'm not talking about everyone should try and be a singer am i what i'm saying is sometimes you're allowed to pursue your dreams and they might be you may you may fulfill those dreams there's nothing wrong with that.

It may be that you want to operate on a woman called Hilda or a bunya.

Pursue that dream, but according to your negative views, we shouldn't even try and do that either.

What I'm saying is, go on.

What's he saying?

Leona was an example.

I'm not saying everyone should try and be like Leona.

No, but listen, listen to his point, Stephen, because he's got a very good point coming up.

Here it comes.

This is it.

Okay.

He hasn't said

a normal word yet, but he's going to say some now, and they're all going to be profound.

People's dreams aren't their own dreams.

Oh, hold on.

What do you mean by that?

Keep going.

Keep going.

No, no, no, no.

He'll explain.

You don't need to ask any questions.

He'll explain.

Because

they think they know what they want because they see it on the telly.

They see, you know, someone singing a song and they go, I want to do that.

So all I'm saying is, change the dreams.

Change the dreams.

Yeah.

Surgery.

They're watching that.

They're seeing Ilda happy with a better foot.

The doctor's getting all the praise.

They go, I want a bit of that action.

That's what it's about.

They don't want to be singers.

They want to be known.

They want to be famous.

So, fine, have a bit of fame, but do some good, fix Hilda's foot.

Sorry, was that the end of the point?

Yeah, because all we've done, we've changed the dreams.

Dreams are well, you've hit on a good point there, because what is astounding is that when you you know, um, people are inundated with praise for people who are just clothes horses, they are just skinny nobodies who don't do anything except have their picture taken and they're role models.

For you know, I'm not talking about

anyone in particular, but it's just these people who

want to be seen with other celebrities and marry celebrities and be a celebrity.

People think that's an easy life because they're getting rewarded for it.

And yet, someone who's stuck in a laboratory trying to come up with a cure for AIDS, they don't know or care about them.

Okay, can I just point out, though, that if we're going to have a go at people being successful, making money and being well known for doing nothing of any value, I point you to the man sat opposite me here.

And that's hey, I tell you, there's times when I, you know, lie awake at night thinking, what was my dreams?

Yeah, but I'd have to be a little bit more.

But I've got a new boy

and two houses.

I'd love to be a little doctor.

Yeah, I mean, you know, it's past me now.

There's no way I can go back.

Well, but you would have been.

You're wrong.

Carl Pilkington!

Hilda!

What is it?

What?

What now, Hilda?

What's up with you?

I've got terrible piles.

There's some sort of blockage up there.

I haven't gone to the, excuse me, I haven't gone to the toilet for a week.

Well, Carl, can you unblock Hilda's ass?

Now live.

Unblocking Hilda's ass.

Carl Pilkington.

I thought she had bad feet.

No, her feet were no.

Jed would fix her feet.

There's a lovely job.

That's why they stayed in last week.

Her ass is worse than her feet.

It's because she's been off her feet for so long because she couldn't walk.

Her ass took the brunt of it, and it's just terrible.

Piles have burst, and it's blocked up there.

Well, all she just eats is cheese because she's so depressed.

I'd just probably knock it on the head there.

I'd just say, because I'd just say, like going back to the street thing.

I've gone down the wrong avenue.

I've got, this isn't for me.

I didn't know I'd be eye to eye with this.

What's up?

It's not for me, and that's how you find out that it's not for you by doing it.

Right.

But at least I gave it a go.

So, this is the same as you had one fight with Leroy.

You went along to a dance studio, it was shut, you've seen Hilda's ass, and it's turned you off properly.

Talk again, you've just abandoned it.

Yeah, well, that's what they're doing.

Have a go!

Have a go!

Just feel inside Hilda's back passage, feel the blockage.

No, because the audience have already decided they've seen a weakness in me, they're going to vote me out.

No, there's no point me getting dirty fingers for this.

Just want to ask if you've got any ideas about future compilations, so please let me know.

Youtube.com/slash yak.

Hope you're enjoying this.

night.

I could eat a north at night.

I could eat a normal sleep.

I could eat a north at night.

I could eat an all that night.

It is our love of eating and hop.

I think, I don't know what it is these days when people make things complicated.

I watched

in the name of it, it's

Cloud Atlas.

Have you seen that film?

Jesus.

Don't know what's going on.

You have to take notes whilst you're watching it.

There's nothing relaxing about watching a film.

I think we've got more intelligent, but we're just making our lives more difficult.

Years ago, people were quite happy watching a black and white film with no speaking.

You know, it was all like silent movies.

Dead easy to follow.

Now, you watch Cloud Atlas, tell me if you know what's going on.

I watched it all because you kind of think, well, it might all make sense in a minute.

About two hours long, I didn't have a clue by the end.

I don't know what had just gone on.

Whereas this, nice easy read, no big words in it.

I write the way I speak,

which is, I think that's the way it should be.

So you know it's coming from me.

Yeah, that's it.

That's all I can tell you.

I mean, maybe I'd murder a person.

You know, just so you know, I don't know, but I think I'd probably go mental.

Because I've always been a very reserved person, you know.

I've always got into a fight, I've never caused a rumpus.

Yeah, but that's a worrying thought because

we don't have to have the end of the world for it to be the end of your world, because a lot of people know that they're terminally ill, so they don't go around smashing up bars and killing people.

But I suppose I know there'll be no repercussions ultimately because

everyone's gone so there's not going to be mourning families.

But then how dare you deprive that person of his last eight hours or ten hours of life?

I don't care because it's the last day on earth.

Well that's true.

I know the moral guilt that I'll feel is over in a few hours.

Morality isn't relative just to repercussion, is it?

Because

you do things without repercussion, but often people say, you know, what would you do it if you never got caught?

Or would you do it if

there is repercussions for that person, as grave as they might be, just because

you feel that it's no big deal either way, that they're only going to live another eight hours, they might feel differently.

And you're saying, well, you won't care because you won't be around.

But then why do people care about their loved ones?

when they won't be around?

Why do people get a will ready?

Because my point is that they know that those people will continue to live for an indeterminate amount of time.

So you do care about the other person's life.

Of course I do.

Of course I do.

But my point is knowing that everyone is going to be wiped off the face of the earth the following day,

all those repercussions are no longer quite the same.

I'd find it hard to divorce myself from my morality that's ingrained just because it doesn't matter anymore.

Yeah, but I mean I

honestly, to me it seems that we're approaching

just

the end of all things.

And so I'm saying that there's something about the fact that we're all going to end that somehow seems very liberating.

What would you do?

I've always wanted to kick a duck up the arse.

Do you know Anne Frank?

That's all I know about Anne.

There's no point pretending Anne.

Anne!

That I know stuff.

Yeah.

Right.

Tell us everything you know about Anne Frank.

She was in a cupboard.

Yeah.

What else?

If she didn't do that, I wouldn't know about her, seriously.

That's all I know about her.

Yeah.

So what did she do?

But what is the best?

How do you think we know about her?

We know about her cupboard because of her book.

But hang on, in the bigger scheme of things, why was she in a cupboard?

I don't know.

Right.

I honestly don't know.

You don't know anything else about Anne Frank beyond the fact that, to quote you, she was in a cupboard.

Well, what's she done then?

You tell me, why should I know more about her?

I don't think she was in a cupboard.

She wasn't in a cupboard.

She was in an attic.

Alright.

So what was she doing?

She was hiding from the Nazis.

She was hiding from the Nazis.

But isn't that the first place they'd look?

Well, they weren't specifically looking for Anne Frank.

They weren't going, where is she?

Where's Frank?

If she gets that book out, we're in a deep shirt.

We've got to stop the book.

Imagine, oh God.

Just imagine if he was in charge, we did put him in charge of the country.

Terrifying.

Wouldn't that be amazing?

Let him run the country.

Just for a week.

Or the mayor.

What would you do if you were the president or the Lord Mayor of London or the Prime Minister Carl?

I wouldn't do it.

Like, he's going to be off of it.

It's a hypothetical question, Carl.

No, but Suzanne was.

Alright, meet me, Mrs.

If you're a new list.

You keep her, sure.

You help her.

She was watching the news, trying to follow some heavy stuff.

And I'm like...

The weather?

What?

I just write bored and was reading about that mouse that had an ear on its back.

like that.

So she said, well, you take notice of this.

You know what Ricky and Steve are like.

They try to teach you stuff and you don't even want to learn.

So to try and get me interested in it, she was like saying, what would you do if you're president and stuff?

And I can't be dealing with any of it.

What did you come up with?

You must have smoked it.

What did you come up with?

Did you come up with anything?

I had a little

design of it, right?

I said

I'd have like red and blue to sort of, do you know what I mean?

Both sort of major sides into one.

Well, that's broken the back of it.

That's that's a pretty good manifesto so far.

Um, anything else?

What's on the second page?

I had like uh

KP looks after me.

That would be the badges, would it?

Yeah, that's good.

I'm a KP nut.

KP looks after me.

Yeah, brilliant.

That's about as far as I went with it.

What would you do?

What about you know, policies, transport, um, crime, uh, uh, you know, just just law and order?

Um yeah, how would you what would you do how would you deal with crime?

What would your initial approach be?

Would you introduce guns?

Should police carry guns?

No.

No.

Yeah.

Um would I have to worry about that?

Okay.

Uh you know good point.

Good point.

No, what I'm saying is though, I mean Tony Blair isn't sorting everything out, is he?

No, but he has a say in most things.

Does he?

Well go on then what what are the problems at the moment?

I need sorting out.

Well generally how would you how would you what's the best way to combat?

Would you bolster up the prison system?

Would you introduce more community service?

Would you go harsher for say for say

I don't know

drugs?

Would you go harsher or less harsh?

There's pros and cons and both isn't it?

Because of course you can't see to condone it but some people you know you don't want to go through the court system and cost tax buyers thousands of pounds of money for someone, I don't know, the difference between smoking a spliff and dealing crack.

Do you know what I mean?

You have to all these things.

Have I lost you?

Yeah, I'd just think about it for a bit.

Do you know what I mean?

Brilliant.

You think about it for a bit.

Yeah.

Probably asked Suzanne.

This is amazing.

Yeah.

And what about the foreign situation?

Would you have supported Bush in his war on terrorism?

You're aware of this war that we had recently.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, if I was new, though, couldn't I just say, look, new slate.

Do you know what I mean?

Let's start again.

Yeah, of course you can.

I'm in charge now.

Let's, you know, let's see if we can sort this out.

What would you do then?

Then see what happens.

Brilliant.

Just suck it and see.

Brilliant.

Brilliant.

Yeah.

This is excellent.

Now this is not really your jurisdiction.

This is not really your area, but I imagine you'd have some powerful friends.

You might have a say on it.

What would you do about single-sex marriages?

Same-sex marriages.

See, this got this Cameron.

I thought Cameron had blown it on Big Brother because they said,

you know, what do you think about gay fellas getting married?

And he went, I know.

In the Bible, it says, you know, a man and a woman.

And I thought, oh, he's put off a lot of...

I don't think many Christians tune into Big Brother, but we know the gays love it.

They love Big Brother, don't they?

The gays.

Yeah, so interesting.

But

what would your take be on that?

Same sex marriages?

And then what?

Having a kid?

Well, just they start off with.

Well, that's all right, innit?

Do you know what I mean?

Just let them get on with it.

It's not affecting anyone else.

Sure.

Yeah.

Right?

But it starts getting tricky.

Right.

When you get a kid.

Okay.

Go on.

Why?

Well, it's just tricky, innit?

Do you know what I mean?

Well, yeah, you could be right.

I'm not giving anything.

I mean, you know, we're not.

There's no right or wrong left.

If you're in, like, if you lived in the jungle, right, with no one else, right?

And you just had these two fellas, right?

Looking after you.

But

because you've got no one else looking in on that saying, oh, you're a bit weird, aren't you?

Do you know what I mean?

Well, as soon as you come to the moment,

do you think the gay people turn to a bloke because they couldn't get a woman?

If there's two fellas go away and they're in the jungle, they go, we're definitely not going to find a woman here.

We might as well bum.

That's not how homosexuality starts.

People don't.

It makes you wonder.

No, no, it does make you wonder.

Gays don't go, well, I'll tell you what, I haven't seen a woman I fancy yet.

I'll try a bit of knob.

No, no, no.

But what I'm saying is right if you're brought up in like a little jungle right yeah you're how are you brought up

someone just puts you there

KP takes care of me

what I'm saying is right

if You're brought up in a jungle, right?

Right.

What do you mean brought up?

Just let him fall.

What does he mean you're not brought up like Tarzan?

You've got to tell me what you mean by brought up.

Wolves, chimps, what?

Right, well there's a good example of what I'm saying to you.

Right.

Right.

What I'm saying is, there's a fella, right?

He's brought up in the jungle.

Shut up.

Just let him finish.

Let him finish.

There's no women about.

He doesn't know about women.

He doesn't understand what women are.

Right.

Right?

But another fella walks in the scene.

Yeah.

And he gets Pally with him.

What does he talk about?

Then they've both got needs.

This scenario is ridiculous.

How has he lived?

Or does he know what's his reference points?

I can't be bothered with this.

Honestly, Saturday should have been, you know, day off and that, not worrying me about problems.

Milestones in human evolution, the opposable found the the forward facing eyes the upright.

These are massive things in taking us out of the animal kingdom.

And one day, Carl, you'll walk upright.

But what do you mean about eyes facing forward?

You mean before we got here there was people who uh whose eyes were looking in their head?

I don't understand that.

Is that what we're doing?

No, no, because when we got sort of uh uh binocular vision

just cavemen in front of dinosaurs and that they sort of went, oh

and then well it wasn't cavemen in front of dinosaurs was it?

Because cavemen weren't alive when dinosaurs were alive.

There was a couple knocking about.

Right, okay, fair enough.

It was it was a crossover point, surely.

Not for

15 million.

Yeah, probably the

ice age.

They were still big reptiles.

I think it's fairly common knowledge that the dinosaurs did not exist.

Well, who gave the dinosaurs a name?

Carl, now tell me, tell me back now.

What are the Amish?

They're just

people who

sort of live

like in the olden times.

So to them, they're sort of in about 1842 or something, so they're getting old papers and that um they haven't cut up to

they don't cut they are they don't have tele they don't deny they don't deny that the 20th century has happened they just don't want to be part of it they they they look up and they see planes and they know what they are and they go into the town and they see in the window dixon's telly they just they just don't want to be part of it no they're they're still living they're still going they are still living like it's yeah

yeah but they don't they they know they know about everything else they just don't want to be part of it because they think that the sort of the uh uh

revolution um was a bad thing.

They think that society became more and more depraved and they wanted to go away from it and they want to go back to old values and they think they don't need T V and and and jets in that way of life.

They can they can survive in the old way because the old way was better.

Missing out on live 8

Yeah, but they haven't had band-aid yet.

Yeah, I think this is the problem that Carl had.

He In his mind, they were just a bit delayed.

So in his head, they were slowly moving towards the top of the car.

They wouldn't be able to watch most of these bands, all their electric guitar.

They'd be allowed to watch Tracy Chapman doing an acoustic set between the bands.

Yeah.

That'd be all right.

Although they wouldn't like Fast Car.

They wouldn't like a scene about that.

They go, I don't know what you're talking about.

Pony and Trap.

You got a pony and trap.

That'd be all right.

But are they still, do they still get sort of rubbish rubbish posts on that saying we need your money for this?

or you know

they live in a c isolated community.

They live they're farmers, aren't they?

They're farmers.

It's an agricultural community and they're obviously very staunchly religious.

I mean in actual fact it would suit you very well because you hate crowds, you hate groups of people, you don't like the modern world.

You'd love it down there, wouldn't you?

He wouldn't like getting up at four o'clock to milk a cow though, would he?

Well no, but

he'd get used to it.

Go back to bed, couldn't you?

It's probably out I mean have they got anything to do with the the Hare Krishna people?

No, no, nothing at all.

Because out of all all the religions

that's you know, I'm not a religious person.

I don't understand.

You're only saying Hare Krishna because you've got the head.

That's the only reason you think it'd be.

I'm not halfway there.

But the thing is,

out of out of all it, you just...

What was that?

The money just fell out of my pocket where I'm I'm nearly laying down.

That's the danger of wearing sweatpants everywhere you go.

I don't think for lying down in a chair.

No, I'm I'm you know, I've never been a religious type.

You know if people want to do it I'll let them do it and what have you.

Good of you.

But out of all of them

the I want one that's not going to take over your life.

I don't want one where you've got to get up three times a day and you've got to go and pray and that you've got to get up early.

Forget that.

It's getting in the way.

But if it's something like um I was walking to work the other day, right, crossed Oxford Street.

Um there's a little Harry Krishna fella there

and uh he sort of had uh he had a leaflet and stuff and uh he said, you know, are you interested?

And I said, What do you do and he said well you know we're against getting stressed out and what have you

and he gave me a plum

down food for some reason but I sort of asked a few questions

these two bold people one of which is wearing an orange holding a plum in the middle of the other one a plot a plum it's almost it's almost like you can imagine some kind of religious painting

yeah yeah but but you know what what is their sort of main thing

Why?

He wasn't speaking English.

Not very well.

He wasn't the best sales bloke to send out for them, is what I'm saying.

Yeah.

But what what's their are they you're saying they're nothing like well I believe Harry Krishna is a is a kind of um as an offshoot of a sort of Buddhist faith.

They are Buddhist aren't they?

Yeah, and obviously the obviously their most their kind of trademark as it were is that they have to say I believe they have to say hari krishna hari hari in a certain rhythm in a certain order a certain amount of times per day that's why you see the morning down the street saying hari krishna hari hari because it's actually a sort of religious chant which they're obliged to do so you see even if you go into the harikrishna faith you may find yourself you know in tescal whatever forced to say hari krishna hari hari krishna perhaps why out loud

yeah no no out loud you couldn't put it on an ipod and you couldn't put it on an iodine that doesn't count no i think you have to actually say it so i guess that kind of eats into your into your social life a little bit and then the and there's there's the wearing orange as well.

Particularly frustrating.

I imagine if you're in a cinema or a library, a little bit awkward there, you know, midway through.

You live next door to a bloke called Harry Krishna.

Yeah.

Who constantly thinks you're calling him.

Yeah.

That probably.

Yeah.

So that's in this.

I mean, I don't think we've quite done the Harry Krishna faith.

It's full service there.

So interesting to you?

I mean, you got handed a plum.

You've been treated well by them.

Yeah, but he couldn't tell.

I just wanted to know how much time it would take up.

What are the benefits?

You know, what can you do?

What can I do?

Well, I think the benefits are they probably don't get stressed out.

They've probably got that sort of

zen,

that chinness about them where they try and interact.

Quite meditative.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've got some nice trainers as well, don't they, with their

orange?

What are you looking for then in a faith car?

You say you it is what are the benefits?

I mean obviously Catholicism you get the communion wine and bread, bread so yeah but I can afford that.

Right.

Probably

just just I liked the Crusaders.

I was forced into joining that as a kid because a mate sort of joined it and

he sort of said are you joining?

I sort of swore at him.

I said I'm not doing that.

He said right if you don't come with me I'll tell you ma'am.

You just swore.

So I was like oh so so I went

so I went along and they used to just go on the Friday when they played you know Sabutio and stuff.

And then I went on one Sunday and it was totally different.

There was no Sabutio.

There was no sort of, you know,

table tennis.

The thing where you hold a thing and knock things over.

Skittles.

Skittles.

It was all out on a Friday.

Went on the Sunday.

It was rubbish.

They said, right, sit down in this room.

They gave me a Bible.

I thought, this looks too heavy, this is too big.

I'm not interested in this book.

And I never went again.

I used to hide on a Sunday when they came round.

And

that's been the only sort of thing.

i suddenly why isn't it suddenly turned out to have to hide on a sunday when they're coming round because he wouldn't they wouldn't leave they wouldn't leave who was ill the adults it was a yeah sort of a well he seemed like an adult to me at the time but he was probably about 27.

well that is an adult yeah but do you know what i mean he seemed a lot older when i was a kid yeah and he came knocking and that and he used to say to me mum oh just tell him i'm ill or something

and uh he used to hang around to see if I'd eventually come out to play and that.

And if I did, I think they would have grabbed me and took me there.

I love the idea that for you, religion has to bring with it some kind of gift.

It's like, you know, join our faith and you get an alarm clock radio.

It's like something like that.

But I think religion does bring a gift.

Usually, it's...

Well, the gift of the Lord.

Well, the gift of everlasting life, isn't it?

And that's the problem with it, you know.

A lot of people believe in it because they think

his feeling is like that should be a given.

That's safe.

I'm definitely going home with eternal life.

But what else can I have?

Well, I don't have a religion because obviously I don't have a religion.

I I don't miss it and I wouldn't want one.

I'm an atheist and

that's out of belief, that's out of logic.

And we don't get into the politics or the

morality of it.

Why do you feel you need a religion?

Why don't you just get a hobby?

Well, I didn't want one.

I don't want one.

I just was saying that, you know, if I was to get one, which one would I go for?

Is what I'm saying.

I'd like to see you perhaps as a Jew.

I think Judaism would suit you well, I think.

What are the hours like for that?

Tough.

It can be tricky.

That's what I mean.

I don't want anything that's you know, and they have a day where they don't eat and stuff.

I couldn't be doing that,

so I may have days when they eat a lot too much, yeah.

But what happens if I'm not that hungry that day?

Like I say, I don't like change.

So, Carl, if you have to go to a new planet, don't worry about starting life again.

They've got sort of like these breeder clones that adore that, but you can choose six people from this world to take to start this whole new world, okay?

So, you need, you know, as I say, you don't need to

be wiped out, okay?

It's gonna be wiped out, but there's enough on this spaceship for you and five other people, okay?

And they've gotten there, they've got these, they've got these sort of breeder clones there, so it's gonna be populated, you're gonna have the workers, the drones, everything like that.

But you wanna take six, I suppose, sort of um uh world lords to teach, to lay down the politics,

the teachings, the laws, the government.

I date it.

Okay.

And how long have I got to make a decision on it?

Till the end of this podcast.

Right, go.

Who do you take?

Who's the first person you take and why?

And where are we going?

Mars.

Okay, so a planet where there's

an atmosphere.

I've got to know where I'm going because I've got to sell it to the people who I'm asking.

There's no point.

I'm going to eat it with me.

Where are you going?

I don't know.

It's just like this world.

There's oxygen, there's seas, there's rivers, there's forests, there's animals, okay?

But we're going to populate it with the human race, and you can choose six people to lord over this new

kingdom.

You want the best people for the job.

Yeah.

So,

who's the first person?

Probably

Patrick Moore.

Why would you take Patrick Moore?

Just because he knows his way about up there, don't he?

He'll know the way.

So just have him.

I think that will...

Whoever picked next, if they see that he's going, they'll go, right.

You know, it's going to be a long journey as it is.

You don't want someone who's going to be going, is it lefty?

Is it right?

Do you know what I mean?

And he could play the xylophone on the journey.

But Cole.

Is Moore the most useful person to have if you've only got six?

Because he may be very useful getting to the planet.

No, but I've always got to meet him as well.

I've always wanted a chat, and that'd be a good chance, wouldn't it, when I'm in a rocket?

How long's it taking to get to Mars?

I don't know, uh a year.

That's what what I mean.

No, it's not Mars, it's somewhere else, okay.

So it's a year to get there and then.

Yeah, well, that's what I mean.

So it's a good chance to have a chat with him about stuff.

And I think he'd be up for it as well, to be honest.

I think, I think, you know,

why do you think that?

Just because he's spent his whole life talking about what's going on up there, isn't it?

And yet he's never been.

And I feel sorry for him.

You know, most people, when they're into something, they get to go to a place, don't they?

Sure.

People don't know who Patrick Moore is.

He's an 80-year-old astronomer.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

So let him have a bit of a good life.

So Moore's on board.

Yeah, Patrick Moore.

He's on.

Right, five others.

Four others now.

Jamie Oliver.

Why would you take Jamie Oliver?

Just food and that.

You need someone.

Because they say that, like, you're.

You know, you can feel down if you don't eat.

Um,

he couldn't convince eight-year-olds to eat a carrot.

What's he going to do in this brave new world?

They're all going to be on turkey twizzlers.

I think he's he's got the right attitude.

He wouldn't be faffing about.

Remember, we've landed now on this new world.

Yeah.

I don't know what it's like.

The people who make it.

I love Jamie Oliver.

I think he's great.

But he wouldn't be in my five people to start a new world.

That's all I'm saying.

Nor would Patrick Moore because he knew the way.

But what chef would you pick?

I wouldn't pick a chef.

Why would I pick a chef?

Because you want someone who's going to, like I say, food's important.

When you're low, there's nothing better.

If you're a bit fed up, there's nothing better than having a good meal.

But, Carl, I don't think you've quite grasped that these people have to start civilization again.

They have to be wise, wise people who can make the laws.

And before you do all that, you need a good meal.

So, Jamie Oliver, he'll be, that's his job.

It's like when we get there, that's when he kicks in.

Right.

He's the first one, really.

Because that's just annoying.

Just to save two places on Patrick Moore and Jamie Oliver, take a map and a cookbook.

Okay, who's number three?

What sort of state is this world in?

Does it need...

Oh, this is going to take a fucking gardener.

It's like the.

It's the world but new.

It's the it's that exactly.

It's the world but new, untouched by humans.

There have been no fossil fuels burnt, no machinery,

no wars.

Just this Garden of Eden.

And you, Patrick Moore and Jamie Odo pitch up.

Plus, who else can't go now?

First thought?

Attenborough.

Again, he's a genius.

And

he's a bit of a hero of mine.

But I don't know if we need Attenborough.

Just because I reckon if it's a new world, you're saying it's the same.

But they always say, don't they, that all worlds are different.

So I'd want in there

just to sort of, when we're roaming around, because we'll all stick together for a bit, won't we?

When we're roaming around, they'll be sick of the sight of you.

They go, let's lose Carl.

But you've got two men so far who've got a combined age of about 150.

I mean, if you're starting a brave new world, dare I say it, not going to be around very long.

Shouldn't you be taking some younger, fresher blood?

No, not really, because they haven't lived.

Every of these have lived and they'll

and they're useful, like I say.

Patrick Moore's done his bit, he's got us there.

Oliver's cooked us a dinner.

Day two, I reckon we'd end that on day one there.

We'd have a dinner.

We'd all have a chat.

I don't think you're thinking of the future.

I think you're thinking.

I think you're thinking of the journey and then the first night.

Okay, okay.

So you've got David Attenborough,

you've got Patrick Moore, and you've got James Oliver, you've got two other places.

I get the feeling that you're not so much

recruiting people for a new world as I must liberally get me out of it.

As a dinner party, the people you'd like to meet that you've seen on the telly.

Oh,

come on, two more.

I'd text someone who's a bit daft.

Just so.

No, you don't need to, Carl.

That's covered, believe us.

Yeah, no, no, that's what I mean, though.

I don't want them having to go at me going, why are you here?

I'd point the attention somewhere else to text someone else who'd sort of wind them up.

Who's that then?

Paul Denan, or something like that.

It really is.

I'm a celebrity.

So you've got

Patrick Moore.

You've got David Attenborough.

You've got Jamie Oliver and Paul DeLev.

And you've sprayed new women.

Starting life again.

Okay, then.

Brilliant.

Oh, God.

Right, one more.

This is amazing.

It's going to be.

I'd love to go back and visit this in a thousand years.

What teachings they laid down.

Oh, God.

Don't know.

It'd have to be a woman, I think.

You've got to have a woman in that little group, haven't you?

Who's.

You could have another woman chef or.

She's mainly eating.

He's got that covered with armor, but no, no, he's got to take Nigelic because he's in a cream cake kind of move.

Oh, God.

Devia Smith was furious.

She'd packed her bags and everything.

Or a nurse.

Now you're thinking.

Abby Titmus.

Why does romance die once you're married?

And is that why you're not married?

No,

I don't think romance is that important.

I think it's one of them things that

people do because they've seen it in a film.

I think that's where romance comes from.

I don't think it's in the real world.

You know, you sort of.

What film is it?

Especially in the old-fashioned films, in the old black and white ones,

you get like blokes putting the coats out in puddles so that women can walk through them without getting their feet wet.

Never do that.

Mental.

Don't care how much you love someone, you shouldn't go wrecking your sort of coat just because she wants them.

Why is she walking through puddles?

Just go round them.

Mental.

The cost of dry clean and everything.

There's no way that

I wouldn't want.

You see, if a woman expected that, I'd go, right, it's over.

I suppose suppose that's the good thing, in a way, with

relationships.

It's finding out what they expect from you, isn't it?

That's that's what works.

It's not about how much you love them and that, it's how much you respect each other.

And if I was going out with a woman who expected me to stick my coat in every puddle she comes past, forget it.

It's not happening.

It doesn't matter how much we could sort of connect through the brain or what hobbies we've got.

If she's taking a piss, saying pop your coat down there so I can walk through a puddle, I go, right, it's over.

But it happens that, doesn't it?

I've seen it in films loads of times

what are you doing if you're gonna keep doing that buy some wellies if you've got a piss about going through puddles all the time you know no I'm not I'm not putting my coat down so that's that's romance really I like the monkeys peeling potatoes right that's never happened they go and put nuts in the salt water to salt the nut whatever how does that how does that get to peeling potatoes because in your head they were working in a canteen making chips yeah definitely

It doesn't matter what the food is, I'm just saying how they know how to sort of prepare.

I love the fact that you don't care what the fact is.

When you're discussing facts, that's all that matters.

Otherwise, on mastermind, they just go, Um, uh, who wrote much ado about nothing?

Dickens, yeah, close enough, whatever, someone did.

The fact is what matters, yeah.

But with that question,

that's got a straightforward answer.

What I'm telling you is the way that animals work: if it's a potato or a nut, it's a foodage.

You're quite well off now, aren't you?

You know, you've got your nice big house, nevertheless.

Has that made you happier since the new world?

Yeah, it was the thing that I always wanted.

That was the main thing, a house.

I'm not bothered about it.

I've told you, you know, clothes aren't anything.

I don't wear jewellery because it irritates me.

Holidays, you know, the last thing I do when I'm not working is get on a plane because I've been flying about.

So, really, it's always just been the house has been the main thing that I've always wanted, my space.

And I'm happy with it, and I like

doing work in it.

And I'm happy to have people round, but I'm happy to get them out as well.

You know,

I'm really house-proud.

If you come round, if I ever said come round, I say, Oh, can you take your shoes off?

Yeah, oh, you want those?

Yeah, yeah,

straight away,

no matter who it is.

Really?

Yeah, the gas man, he he hates it.

I'll bet.

He's like, Oh, do you know know how many houses I go to?

And it's like, well, if that's the case, you should have those

coverers.

You know, I'm not inviting you to.

What's so special about your flooring that the shoes will.

Because it's clean, isn't it?

I've cleaned it.

I've got a steaming mop.

I've got one of those vax mops.

I'll keep it clean.

Like I say, I'm house proud.

And the point is, I didn't ask for the gas meter to be in the house.

I didn't ask for him to come round.

I'm always sending me home readings.

They're always sending an email saying to give the reading.

So why is he coming round anyway?

So if you're going to come round and hassle me when I didn't ask you to come round, they don't make an appointment, they just come round and go, I'm here to read your meter.

Well, bring some shoe coverers.

I know that your attention span on the videos.

People

see, there's so much on YouTube, you're probably gone already.

I'm like that, I start watching something, and you can see a little other video to the right of the video you're watching.

That looks good.

I was doing it the other day, watching videos of octopuses.

I was watching an octopus get out of the jar, right?

Somebody shoved an octopus in the jar, and it was able to sort of unscrew the lid itself and get out.

And I think it got about three legs out, and I was already bored.

When you think how amazing that is that an octopus can get out of a jar, and I didn't even watch it all, I could see another video that said octopuses change colour depending on what they sat on, do you know, like a chameleon?

Bang, I was on that.

So, you're probably already gone.

All right, this is Yak, youtube.com/slash yak.

Please feel free to check out all my other compilations.

I've got 60 of them.

Cheers.

Amazon always says, Oh, it'd be great if you do us a video.

We'll put it on the front page and everything, loads of people will see it.

They never do.

That's why I sort of resent sitting here having to talk to you because they say, Oh, we definitely will.

This time we'll do it.

I've done about five or six of these videos and they never put them on the home page.

You stick it on the page where the DVD is, but by that point, you've already got to the page where the DVD is.

So, it's pointless flogging it to you.

You're already close to buying it.

If anything, this could just put you off.

So, what is the point?

It sort of niggles me.

The problem is, Amazon they flog too much stuff.

It's the biggest shop in the world, innit?

And what I want is the shop window.

But they never ever put me in it.

I never get in the shop window of Amazon.

They're basically shoving me like right at the back near the fire exit.

That's where they flog my stuff.

You might come across it by accident, but it's never there.

It's like they're never proud of it.

The amount of work I put in, they're traveling about, they're not eating properly, they're not sleeping properly, getting ill.

It's a lot of time and effort I put into this, but they never put me at the front page.

They've got like,

I don't know, they sort of show off all the stuff like the wire or,

I don't know,

Game of Thrones or whatever it it is.

It's all that stuff.

That's what will be on the home page.

If you want something, you can normally get it on Amazon.

Apart from Long Got Summer with Don Johnson on DVD, my man wanted it.

For some reason, they don't stock it.

I don't know why that is.

But anything else, they've got

anything you can think of.

They're probably flogging it on Amazon.

In fact, this is how I should do it.

I should talk about how good Amazon is, and then I might get on the home page thinking about it.

So, Amazon is is probably the best online shop

where you can buy stuff from

turtle wax car polish

to

ceramic ducks.

In fact, bigger than that, that isn't even that.

You can get that in home base, both of them things.

But imagine something at that end of a scale and the other end, they cover it all.

Apart from that Don Johnson film, that Long Got Summer film.

I just can't.

I don't know why they don't stock that.

But if you want anything, Amazon is brilliant.

So hang on, let me.

So they can't edit this out.

So for all the hottest titles in DVDs, The Wire, The Sopranos, Boxer, and The Moaning of Life,

that's out now on DVD.

Click on it, buy it, buy it for yourself, buy it for someone else.

Thank you.