Guardian S5E2 (September 15, 2008)

Hello, welcome to episode two of the Ricky Giver show with me, Ricky Gerais, Stephen Merchant.

Hello there.

And Carl Pilkinton.

Oh, yeah,

I just feel bad about Graham.

I feel sorry for Graham.

Don't feel sorry for Graham.

Well, he was a nice guy, and he

was so badly treated.

He took you into his home.

He was going to give you everything, and you just didn't appreciate it.

And was saving your family's life.

And you just.

I went for the other option.

There's no point.

All I'd be doing is letting Graham down.

And as much as I didn't like him, I don't want to ruin his life.

There's no way you didn't like him.

He was just not my type.

He was lovely.

He wasn't a lovely guy.

Why wasn't he a lovely guy?

Just his ways, you know.

I mean, you bond with some people, you don't with others.

It had nothing to do with him.

You barely even had a conversation with him.

Yeah, but you click straight away with people, don't you?

You know, when you meet someone, you go, Yeah, they're all right.

It wasn't going to work.

If I was to go out with a gay man, Graham wouldn't be the one.

Who would be?

Who would be?

Just someone who wasn't as in your face as him.

What do you mean in your face?

What?

Just sort of, you know, just the way he was straight away.

I wouldn't go to a club to meet someone like that.

I wouldn't.

Because I don't like doing that as a straight man.

So just because I'm gay, I don't suddenly get into households.

Well, if you were going to be gay, who would you...

What gay man would you want to marry?

Probably someone who you don't know is gay.

That's what that means.

Someone who's just quiet about it, you just get on with it.

So if you were gay, you'd like a sort of straight man.

No, because that's not going to work either, is it?

That was my situation with Graham.

But how do you know?

How would you...

If you were gay, why would you approach someone who didn't know was gay?

Well, so if you're gay, the only gay life you can do is going to a club where it's a racket at four in the morning and meeting someone.

No.

So that's what you're saying.

Do what I'm saying.

Who would be your ideal partner?

If you were gay, who would you like?

It'll be someone who I don't know who's gay, isn't it?

I don't know what that means.

What do you mean it was someone who you don't know who gay?

Because I wouldn't go out with someone who's really like, oh, hello, and all that, with the shirt open.

Why not?

Because that's the equivalent of going out with a woman who's got knickers up her ass.

And, you know,

it's the equivalent.

It's the in-your-face woman and the in-your-face man.

I don't want any of you.

Well, who'd you want?

Well, who wants your sort of guy?

Okay, well, just say what your sort of guy is then.

Do you want him to be sort of like a man's man, sort of goes, you know, slap,

when you go,

you go, you dopey idiot, and he just sort of gives you...

No, I don't want that.

No, you want someone to go, oh, what's the matter with you?

Do you you really have petal?

What do you want?

I'm asking you what you want.

Yeah, what do you want in the man?

I'm asking you what you want.

The ones who are just normal, who just could talk.

They'll go, all right, Carl, how's it going?

Yeah, I'm alright, mate.

Yeah, I'm good.

What are we doing tonight?

Watching Die Hard, if you want.

Go straight to bed after that?

Yeah.

Oh, no, he's straight in there.

I love the fact.

He went from not being sure to just getting a man.

But not great.

It wouldn't be four in the morning.

I'd be living my life as I am now.

Right.

But

I'd be a gay man.

Yeah, okay.

You're not me, aren't I?

So that's not going to change.

No.

Why would it?

No, so I'm just trying to.

Carl, all we're trying to establish is what sort of guy you go for.

Okay, we've settled that.

Sorry about that.

If any

people feel sorry for going so well about that, but that's settled.

What I thought we could do, Carl,

on this, the brand new fifth series of the Ricardoi show, we're talking about things that have happened since we met, looking back, what have you learnt, where are we going forward from this?

I thought we could play Room 101,

the popular TV show where people cast the things they hate into Room 101 Forever.

Room 101, of course, is taken from George Orwell's 1984.

Room of all your fears and terrors.

Is there a copyright issue here?

Am I still this idea?

Well, yeah, well, let's play Room 102.

Clever.

This is the room next door to Room one hundred one, which is worse in my opinion.

Oh, Winston Smith, he he'd love to be in Room one hundred one if he went to Room O he'd go, Oh, get me back to Room.

I didn't know I didn't w oh, I I didn't know I was born.

This is much worse.

So, Carl, these are things that really annoy you.

Don't put in things like, you know,

cancer and racism.

I mean, that goes without saying

they're already in there.

All the terrible things in in life life here this is just your little bug bears the things that really annoy you that

you know well I actually did the real show and I put in things like

lateness that's my bugbear I can't I can't stand it I think I put in

oh parents who let their kids run riot parents who think that everyone is interested in their kid as much as they are

I remember I was talking about

this this family right they were they were passing the baby around in a restaurant and it was like being sick, and they were all shouting about.

I said, Oh,

and

I got onto it.

Oh, yeah, though, they were breastfeeding it.

And at one point, I went on

this sort of like digression about a friend of mine who moved to the country.

And

the woman next door, sort of this hippie woman next door, about 40, you know, the one that was sort of like long grey hair, you know what I mean?

Shave your legs and stop wearing flip-flops.

And they said, oh, we're just neighbours, and we brought you around a rice pudding.

And they gave my friend a rice pudding.

And she went, Oh, it's made from breast milk because I'm still lactating.

And I went, Thanks very much.

And of course, she went and they threw it away and washed the dish and gave it back to her.

And it annoyed me.

The arrogance of coming round and saying,

It's rice pudding, made my breast milk.

Get out of here, you dirty hippie.

Is that what you'd have said, though, if she'd arrived in your mind?

No, I'd have said, oh do you know what I'd um I'm I'm breast milk intolerant.

No.

Well I remember the next day it went out on television a journalist said oh Ricky Gervais

showed his misogynist side.

No no I stand by it.

I stand by I don't eat strangers' breast milk.

I said about a totally natural well it's not okay

as a cum sandwich.

It doesn't matter if it's natural.

It's fucking disgusting.

Don't make me a rice pudding out out of breast milk.

You know, I'm not a fussy eater.

Sure, but you are.

Yeah.

But no, I know what you mean.

Surely you'd draw the line there of a stranger's breast milk.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, absolutely.

Any kind of gizz clan.

Jiz clan, do you know what I mean?

That's giving you an example of the sort of thing that one might put into room 102.

Yeah.

People who try and make you eat their breast milk disguised as rice pudding.

It's quite a specific fear.

Yeah.

That one.

Uh.

Graham.

Oh, come on.

He doesn't deserve that.

Slugs

was in there.

Slugs.

So

then there's you have to put a case forward, and me and Steve decide whether slugs go in or whether they stay out where they've got a purpose.

It's just because I'm having a problem with slugs.

At the moment, there's a lot of slugs coming in the house.

Why?

Don't know.

I just can get where I like water.

Can't, you know what I mean?

Because they're boneless, aren't they?

So any little gap.

So's water boneless.

There's not many bones in water.

No, no, that's what I said.

Yeah, but you're saying they can get somewhere that water can't.

Yeah, I know.

They're even more likely to because they sort of move about and they're looking for light.

Water's just happy where it is.

You understand what I'm saying?

Why banish them all to Room 102 slugs?

Because they're harmless, aren't they?

Yeah, but I also think, I mean, at the end of the day, they're happy wherever.

So stick them in room 102.

They're not bothering me and they're happy.

They're not bothering me.

No, no, no, no.

This is a metaphor.

Room 102 means they disappear from existence.

There's not really a room where you put in slugs with people making rice pudding out of their breast milk.

There's not really.

No.

It's not a.

You can't rent that room.

We're saying, would you take slugs out of existence?

That's that's quite a tough call, isn't it?

Because everyone's going to have a go, but I don't know what they do.

All I know is they're clogging up my piping.

I had to go out and buy a plunger.

I hadn't seen them since like comics when I was a kid.

And I suddenly thought, I need one of them things that I always saw in comics.

I never thought I'd need one of them in my life.

2008.

I've got slugs in my pipes.

So I went out, three quid it was.

I had no idea what the going rate is for a plunger.

Where'd you go and get one?

Where's your hardware shop round the corner?

So I went round there, I said, You got a plunger.

He said, What size do you want?

I said, What size have you got?

I said, Oh, we've got three different sizes.

I said, Oh, I have the middle one.

So that was three quid.

And I took it back, gave it a bit of a plunge.

Uh

and I think it was slugs.

Like all like bits of black stuff came up.

I think it was slugs in there, like broken up slugs.

Well h hang on, hang on, hang on.

That could just be black gunk, could it?

No, no, it looked very sluggish.

Because remember, I've had a problem with them anyway.

I'll go to the toilet or whatever, look round, there's a slug climbing up the wall out of the shower basin thing.

Are you sure it's a slug?

Yeah, definitely, definitely slugs.

I have to keep chucking around because I don't like killing anything.

I didn't want to kill the slugs with slug pellets.

I bought some copper ribbon.

Right.

They don't like going over that.

No, they're not

shocking.

They're not going to charge, yeah.

But now that should be a warning.

But instead, they're diverting.

They've done a diversion.

They've gone up the wall and they're cross.

Now it's like, that's a warning.

That's like having a no-trespassing sign.

And they're just going, Bollocks to that.

And they're getting in.

And it's annoying me.

And now you get to a point when you do say, well, if they carry on like this, I'll have to kill them because they're not.

How much...

They're not playing by the rules.

I don't know what they're doing.

I don't know what the purpose is.

You just sit there still.

I don't see him doing anything.

I was looking at one close up.

But what would you want to do with another bee?

I was like, I'm not going to be weeding Russo.

What do you want the slug to do?

In the same way you see a bee collecting pollen, good, it's doing its little work.

But it's carrying big leaves or whatever.

But the slugs just sat in the bed.

They're all doing the same thing.

They're all doing the same thing.

That slug is out.

It's eating.

It's finding food.

There's no food in our kitchen for a slug, believe me.

There's not enough there for me sometimes.

So never mind a slug.

There's nothing for it.

Definitely not in the shower.

What's he doing?

So I told you ages ago about how they cause more problems than good.

They eat cabbage.

Right.

When they shouldn't be.

They get in letterboxes and nick stamps.

They don't nick stamps.

They eat the stamps.

They like the glue on it.

Right.

Right.

Is this a big problem, though?

Is there an epidemic of slugs eating stamps?

But I think it is, and that's why they're so slow.

I think they're sweating glue.

They're eating all them,

and that's why they're sticking to stuff.

Have you ever picked up a slug?

Well, sticky, they give off this glue.

It's like all the glue they've eaten off stamps, they panic, and when they sweat, they sweat.

Sweat!

Think of a drunk!

A slug!

What do you mean they sweat glue?

You're making up nature.

This is like Attenborough, but made up.

When you see a slug,

you prod it, it gets nervous, it wants to run off.

But the problem is, because it's sweating glue.

It's not sweating glue!

It makes sense.

That's just a nonsense theory.

It's just what I've noticed on a.

Right, Rick, do you allow slugs in Room 102?

Well, I think we should, you know,

if they're going to be gone forever, then

we should put a case forward.

They're amazing creatures.

If young got them in your house, it'd be different.

All you've got is people coming around saying do you want some rice pudding?

That isn't a world problem.

That wasn't me.

Whatever it was.

No, but they're amazing.

They've got two sets of antennae.

The one at the top is for light, and the next one is that they can smell and get food in the air, just the slightest.

What do they do for the world?

They're food.

If only.

It's not good enough, that.

It's not good enough.

What do you mean?

But they're that's well, that's the ultimate sacrifice.

Surely them being food because

hedgehogs.

Do they like them?

Yeah, they love them.

Yeah, they love slugs.

Do they?

Yeah.

The thing is, though, if you're always going to upset someone, aren't you, with anything I put in room one?

Well, you just got to make a reasoned case, and I'm not sure that you've argued well enough.

I'm just having problems with them at the moment.

I spent three quid on a plunger, and I don't like the idea that every time I get up in the night to go into the toilet or whatever, I've got to put the light on because I might have a bit of sluggage between my toes.

Sluggage?

A little bit of sluggage between my toes.

I mean, if you're going to put everything in your house that causes problems, what else are we going to have here?

Boilers?

I'm not.

It's just, I mean, at the end of the day, you only moan about what's fresh on your mind at the moment.

And I haven't, you know, I've got to go to that house, and I dread to think what's

how many slugs are going to be stuck to the ceiling and everything.

Right, okay, we need to move on.

So, you are not putting them in?

I'm not putting slugs in.

All right, slugs have not gone in, Carl, I'm afraid.

What's your next one?

Okay, number two.

People who don't want to do what the brains would be better at doing.

Right, okay, I'll get around that sentence.

Now, tell me again:

brains that don't want to do what their owners are good at.

Ah, so now it's the brain's fault.

Before you said you were going to put people in who don't do what their brains are good at, but now you've changed that.

Now you're putting the blame on the brain.

Now you want to put in brains who don't want to do what their owners are good at.

I like the fact that you own a brain.

Okay, no, no, no.

I just need a bit more clarification, Rick, before you ask questions.

Can you just expand on that point, please, KP?

Do you know, like

people decide what they want to do, don't they, for a living?

But sometimes they're not good enough.

Right.

You mean they have a dream and they can't fulfil it because they haven't got the skill or...

Yeah, but that doesn't mean they're not good for anything.

No, it's just that they haven't unlocked the thing that they're good at.

Right.

Which is fair enough.

You can't always find what's going on.

There's a lot going on in the brain.

Yeah.

You know, there might be something up there that you just never find, which is sad.

Right.

But You mean you may never discover your full potential because you may

never stumble across it.

You may never have the means.

Yeah.

But that, that, yeah, of course.

I only got into hospital radio because my dad was in hospital.

So I found out about this thing and I thought, I don't even know this existed.

I want to go on.

Of course.

So, I mean, so

there's much bigger issues there that

poor working class people don't get the same opportunities.

People in the third world.

When you're worrying about whether you're going to live through the next few days, you don't start thinking, I wonder if I can play the cello.

Can I refer you back though, Rick?

You've made an interesting point there, but I fear that's not exactly what Carl was saying.

I don't think that his point was quite that profound.

Yeah, that's kind of what I meant.

Yeah, I don't know.

There was something to do with the brain not allowing its owner.

Yeah, because that's the bit that annoys me.

Fair enough if a brain hasn't decided what it wants to do, because you've got to be able to do it.

What is this?

Levish.

God,

the brain.

Being in charge, like the numb skulls.

Because it hasn't found its destiny type thing.

A brain hasn't found its destiny.

When someone is good at something and they know the brain is good at something, but then they don't want to do it and they want to go off and do something else.

So, who's to blame here?

The person or the brain?

I'm talking like him now.

Who are you putting into room 102?

What annoys you?

A brain that doesn't let its owner know what it's good at, or an owner that won't do what the brain wants to do?

I think it's the owner, because say, like, a bloke who's good at plumbing.

Yeah.

His brain loves plumbing.

His brain loves plumbing.

He's sick of plumbing.

So he goes off to try and

plumb.

No, he's going to do something else.

He's going to do something else.

Now, they say in this country, the problem is we haven't got enough tradesmen.

Right.

We don't have enough plumbers.

Right.

There's enough plumbers' brains.

I don't know what the fuck that means.

No, no.

What are you talking about?

Let him please finish.

Because this is like

brains and pillows.

Brains have not changed over the years.

The brain is exactly the same.

But it's the owner of the brain that's in charge.

The brain could be going, I want to go for a walk or I want to go and find something out.

But if your body's too lazy to get up and go and see the stuff, the brain isn't going to get what it wants.

It doesn't make sense,

you are your brain.

Okay, you could have a good point if you said this.

You could say that everyone's brain has the ability to become a plumber.

Yeah, you know, your brain, you know, yeah, but I don't know if it has, you see, because this is the thing.

When I was younger, when I first left school, I had two jobs I wanted to do.

I wanted to be a joiner, right?

Or a car mechanic.

Had a goat sort of joinery.

Couldn't really get my head around it.

Did work placement at a garage, messed it up, got kicked out.

The thing is, why did you get kicked out?

Just because I messed the garage up.

How did you mess it up?

The fella was a bit moody, this fella, and he was

just decorated his garage.

You are like the slug in this scenario, aren't you?

Do you know how they like to paint the floor and everything?

Make it with lines in it and everything like that.

Right.

What did you do?

And it was painted white.

You shouldn't have white in a garage, it's stupid with all the oil about on that.

It's not the right colour, is it?

It's like getting a white sofa, you're asking for trouble.

Yeah, so he'd painted it all, and then he sort of said, Do you want to change the oil on the car?

So, yeah, go on then.

So, what do I do?

He said, You pull a thump out, stick a bucket underneath, catch the oil.

All right, then go down there, pull the thump out, hold the bucket.

But because of the pressure, the oil doesn't come straight out, it floats out sideways.

Went all over his white floor, he He went mental, kicked me out.

Now, the thing is, that wasn't really my fault.

My brain didn't know.

It was showing an interest.

Let him finish.

Oh, God, what does he mean?

The brain

is not a good thing.

The brain was showing an interest, but at the end of the day, if it hasn't got the knowledge,

what can it do?

Now, you could say, was that my fault or my brain's fault?

No, I'd never say that.

People may be in the wrong job.

You might not discover what you're really.

I'm talking about, you get people, all right, let's go to the extreme.

People with no legs who want to be swimmers.

Don't be stupid.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

I'm so annoyed.

This is a big problem.

It's madness, isn't it?

It's mad that the brain wants to do that so much.

The brain's

in the wrong body almost.

Yet, are you in me?

No.

No.

A plumber who can plumb

is annoying when he jacks it in as a living because there's other brains who can't do plumbing.

They don't get their head round it.

Look, you must have learned the same stuff at school as me, but a lot of it wasn't interesting to my brain.

I wasn't bothered, it wasn't into taking it in.

Yet, look at me in like editing and all that.

I can use all that equipment because

my brain's happy with it.

Yeah, you found somebody you're good at, yeah, yeah.

But why aren't I good at plumbing or joinery or being a mechanic?

He's probably not interested in it.

I was, I loved it.

But people don't do a different brains, people are different.

Some people have more higher logic, low emotions.

That's what I'm saying.

But you, I don't know what you're putting in room 102 because you're saying it's like this brain's wandering around looking at the body and it goes, oh, I'll choose that body.

Hang on, this body doesn't even want to do some bloody body.

It's a matter of taste.

Something's just a matter of taste.

It's good to do

what you're good at and stop chasing a dream.

This is the most complicated thing.

You could just put in noisy kids.

Like, Ricky, why is this?

This is a brain that.

Because someone else would have done noisy kids.

There's no point in everyone putting in the same thing.

I don't even know what your point is here.

For example, what I put in were were parents who

ignore their kids running riot in a restaurant or on a train.

The arrogance of them thinking that, oh, that's Nipana.

There was someone to blame.

I was basically putting in bad parenting or, you know, there was someone.

I wasn't going a brain who wanted to be a plumber, but the plumber didn't.

I'm not going to brain, and it's just people.

If I had a really good skill,

I'd hope that I'd use it.

You don't know what you're good at until you try it.

You might be the best drummer in the world.

I know, but they're the people I'm having a go at.

They're the people who I'm having a go at.

The people who know they can do something, but they don't do it.

So people who don't fulfil their own potential.

That's a good one.

Is that a better point?

Yeah, that's what I meant.

And it's nothing to do with this duality, this

brain versus person.

I don't know what that is.

It's a weird thing you've got.

A really weird little kink you've got.

That you think this brain is another entity that lives in your head, that you own it, and you've got to become the master of it, like some sort of weird dog.

Who am I talking to now, Carl or his brain?

We're both listening.

Well,

I will put in

people who don't fulfill their full potential.

Slugs are safe, but people who don't fulfill their full potential, you have got into room 102.

Got a couple more things for room 102, Carl.

My, you know, my problem

with me restless leg syndrome.

Oh, yeah.

If I could put that in, right?

Okay.

What is this problem?

The problem I've got with my legs, how they sort of come alive at night.

And what are they doing?

Like bed knobs and broomsticks.

Yeah.

I sort of go to bed, I'm tired, and then

I sort of nod off for about 40, 40 odd minutes.

Yeah.

And then my legs go.

Right.

And they just, I can't sleep.

It's really depressing.

I think it's actually affecting me sort of health-wise because I'm not sleeping right through the night.

It's like I want to sleep.

And what does Graham say?

What does Suzanne say?

Well, she's annoyed with it, because she's getting loads of bruises.

Kicking her.

I did a little bit of research on rest leg syndrome when he mentioned it to me.

And two little bits of information, you'll be interested, Steve.

It is exacerbated and made worse by by a sedentary lifestyle

lack of activity lack of exercise and it can be alleviated with

the opposite of that exercise

leading a more active lifestyle which proves my point

you are like a slug I do loads of walk and I make sure I do a good walk if anything it's because I walk too fast because I tense my legs up when I walk.

The doctor didn't say anything to do with that when I told him that ages ago.

He said it was because I was eating ice cream.

I don't know what that means.

I don't know.

It's something that's in ice cream.

Is it the same doctor that said your nerves are too long?

Yeah.

No, it's a different fella.

This is the proper doctor.

But yes, I've cut that out and it works for a bit, but now it's got to a point where I have to go to bed and I have my legs outside of the bed.

I have to put my feet on the floor.

What do you mean?

What?

I have to lie in the bed.

My feet on the floor.

I have to stick my legs out and feet on the floor.

That's insane.

You can't sleep like that.

Well, I do.

I nod off, and then maybe in the night.

When I wake up, my legs are back in the bed, so either they get bored or they're uncomfortable or whatever.

Yeah.

Or they eventually get tired.

But it's kind of like if I have them there, it's like they think they're awake and they're being used.

The only other thing I can do is if I lie on my front

and then have my legs in the air.

What I don't, whoa, you lie in the front and have your legs in the air.

Like that.

Say if that's my head.

Oh, like

that.

Like a head sculpt.

Like the front cover of pulp fiction.

Yeah.

Yeah, like that.

If I do that,

I think if I can get the blood out of my legs,

they don't work the same.

Is this advice from the doctor or no?

Is it this doctor?

Was he from the 12th century?

No, the doctor didn't tell me to do that.

I sort of did it.

I just

cut it off.

Well,

have you...

you know, put this into the

Royal Society of Surgeons?

What?

With this discovery that if you lay.

No, it's my cure, I'll use it.

It might not work for everyone.

And so, crazy leg syndrome is destroying your sleep.

Right.

And it's important to get sleep in it.

If you can't sleep, it drags you down.

And my legs,

they just come alive at night.

It's like they belong to a runner or something.

And they want to run.

And I'm going, oh, I just want to sleep.

But why don't you run?

Why don't you go for a run?

Because it's late at night.

But go for a run in the day, tire them out.

Fine in the day.

Tire them out in the day.

Tire them out in the day.

There you go.

Go for loads of walks in in the day.

Loads of walks.

So, if you were to go, you go to bed, you've got restless leg syndrome.

If you were to go to a run, for a run, that would cure it.

I've looked it up.

No, it does.

I do have long, proper walks.

No, no, but if you go immediately.

If anything, it's like the legs like it and they want more of it.

It's like a puppy.

You take it for a walk and it's jumping up and down.

I want more walks.

Well, you can't have a walk.

We had a walk earlier.

Go to sleep.

They're fine in the day.

Whilst I'm sat here, they're not probleming me.

They've not what?

They're not probleming me.

Okay.

They're not probleming me.

They're not.

words.

They're not giving me any grief off.

They're not probabiling me.

But when night falls, it's all going to be different.

It's like they go, I don't want to go to sleep.

It's like a little kid.

It's a kid who wants to stay up in case it misses something.

Yeah.

And that's why I just have to let him stay up, stick him out of the bed.

I love the fact that you go to bed before your legs.

Oh, God.

It's annoying.

I mean, it's really.

Well, I don't know if I can put in your restless leg syndrome because, as I say, it can be easily cured.

You could get up, you could do a bit of exercise, you could walk around.

I've tried all that, Doctor, and it doesn't work.

Do you suggest anything else?

Right, there's your problem.

He's not a doctor.

No, exactly.

That's what I mean.

Um,

no, well, I I'll put it in.

I will put it in if you try that.

Next time your legs are outside the bed, gay, say, okay, listen,

I'm gonna go for a run,

put on a sweatshirt,

put on some shorts.

It's always late at night.

I'm not going out.

It's dangerous.

So you go to bed at half eleven.

Yeah.

Go for a run at half eleven.

Half eleven.

Fifteen minutes.

So are they going in or not?

No, no, because you're you're not.

I'm not sure that you're doing everything for it.

What's your next thing to try and get in room one hundred two?

It's a tricky one, this.

Go on.

It's it's people who

who think

that humans are special.

Do you know what I mean?

But you think that?

No, I don't.

I don't think humans are special.

I think some of us are.

I think you get the odd one who creates something.

And

you know, you go, that's amazing.

But the way we say the human race is amazing, no, it isn't.

A small percentage of it is.

There's a load of numb nuts.

And it annoys me how people say the human race did this, human race.

No, it didn't.

Let's name'em.

Because there's only a few people who have done stuff that matters.

Is that what you think?

Yeah, definitely.

We're just all well, we think we're good and we're not.

Well, who matters?

Just before we get on to your point, so you're putting in the rest of the human race.

No, just people who say that that they're good.

People who have said that statement that isn't the human race an amazing thing.

So anyone who's ever said isn't the human race amazing

goes in room 102.

Yeah, I'd say don't be stupid.

So most of the human race is going in?

Well, have you ever said it?

Well, I think that I think all I think all species are amazing.

But when people say the human race, they sort of mean

what you mean, the fig that you can go

inventors to things that were, you know, that we've.

And how is the human race not amazing?

Because we don't, we're not needed to keep this planet going.

We're an added thing.

That was

a food chain, yeah, that's right, yeah.

We were added last.

Yeah.

It's like there's some room left, what we do, stick on the humans.

But don't forget this thing of we being added doesn't make sense, because it was a process.

There was no point until we go, we don't need this, let's stop now.

We kept mutating and being selected.

Yeah, I know, but sometimes you can keep it, it's going back to what we were talking about last time: about

you've got a house, you fill it with stuff.

At some point,

you've got everything you need.

You've got your kettle, you've got your fridge, you've got everything.

It could have stopped at slugs.

You've gone, I'm buying this,

but nothing needed anything.

Yeah, it did.

The world needed.

I mean, okay, I tried to put slugs in, you didn't allow them in.

Yeah.

Fair play to the slugs.

They must do something somewhere.

Yeah.

Just not in my house.

But but it could have stopped at slugs.

They got it right.

What what what what's this thing that you need anything else?

The slug evolved.

No, but we don't add anything, do we?

All we've done since we've been around is mess up the world.

That's true.

Yeah.

So I'm saying we're not needed.

I don't know what the last thing was that was needed.

No, we're not needed.

We're not needed.

Yeah.

So what was the last thing before doesn't make any sense?

What was the last thing that was invented by nature?

It's arguably stupid.

What do you mean?

It's not a stupid question.

Everything is just happening.

It's evolving now.

Right, look at it like this.

You say, I think, we think we're important because we just do.

Well, I don't, but some do.

And they're the ones I want to get rid of.

Another argument with himself.

Now, we think we're special.

It might be something else going on that's more important.

We're in this universe, aren't we?

Yeah.

They're trying to make a new universe.

What do you mean?

There's a machine somewhere.

What?

A big bang.

They're making a big bang again.

Right.

Well, you've got that completely wrong, but sure.

They're not trying to create a new world.

They're trying to recreate the conditions that happened at the beginning of the Big Bang.

They're not trying to recreate a new world.

Alright, so they but the world will be different.

But the world came from the Big Bang.

Yeah, they're trying to recreate the conditions so they can test and they can experiment to see

the conditions before.

Yes, it is dangerous.

Apparently, there is a threat.

Admittedly, there is a danger.

Very small danger that they could create a black hole that would destroy the world.

So why are they doing that?

Who's allowed that?

This is what annoys me.

It's because humans think they're special.

Oh, who made the Big Bang?

Oh, I'd like my name on that.

I want to claim it.

Why do people always want to bet at someone else?

It's happened.

Let them have it.

What do you say about progress?

You're just trying to change time.

Yeah, but that's not going to harm anyone.

A big bang.

I just don't, I don't think we need.

I mean, we haven't filled this universe yet.

Have we?

I don't know what you're saying.

You're contradicting yourself.

Every other sentence contradicts what you said last time.

You do want to fill it, you don't want to fill it.

We haven't filled this universe, we don't need another one.

We do want progress, we don't want progress.

What do you want?

I'm saying we don't want another universe.

We haven't got our head around this one yet.

We don't want to create a new one, but go on.

Don't create a new one.

We're not trying to.

No,

is that your philosophy?

Don't create a new universe.

But why are we not?

It's a giant research experiment.

They're not trying to create a new universe.

Why are we looking at that then?

Why do we want to go back today, Doc?

So that we can better understand the world that we live in, how the world evolved into the position we're in now.

If it did indeed start with the Big Bang, what were the conditions?

How did it come from nothing into something?

That's what we do.

We say why and how.

sometimes and what next and is it good you know I don't mind asking questions I like asking questions is

yours are where are slugs going it's just this thing of

faffing about with things that are they don't know what they do with okay right okay Kyle you're in charge of the world now you are this you you're all powerful you're like a god okay you can do anything you go you call all the scientists and they go what do you want of us oh oh, orange headed one, what the fuck do you want of us?

Right?

Right.

Stop the Big Bang research.

Stop it now.

Okay, okay, drop your talk.

Okay, good.

Throw that away.

What do you want them to do?

The might, the might of every intellect in the world standing before you as far as you can see.

Hello, listen, everybody.

This is what I want you to work on.

Go.

What do you say?

Well, I want to come in and how long have they been working on the Big Bang idea?

Forget it.

You've got every science.

No, but I don't just want to come in and poo-poo that because they're going to

have done a lot of research on it.

Hold on.

You might have stopped a minute ago.

Yeah, I know, but you don't just come in, guns are blazing.

I'd say hello.

You can do anything you want.

Hello, everyone.

Hello, Carl Leader.

Right.

Listen,

this Big Bang thing you've been doing.

Yeah, well, that's just only a few of us.

That's like less than a millionth of a percent of us.

We're all here.

Yeah.

I've dropped AIDS research.

I've dropped cancer research.

Right, well, why have you dropped that?

I'm working on that.

Who told you to do that?

Well, no, we just, well, we're knocked off.

They said you wanted to tell us something.

We're all here.

Every scientist in the world is all here.

Listen, where are you from again?

Well, I'm I'm it doesn't matter, I'm from Cornwall.

I'm I'm looking at the rest of the world.

What research are you doing?

Oh, well I'm looking at um uh at what happens if you give Feminax to an owl.

What happens?

Well I'm halfway through it.

You I got called away.

Look, I'm really busy.

What do you want me to work on?

Who said they're doing cancer?

Me.

Go back.

Go back to work.

Cheers.

Okay, the rest of us are doing stuff that you think we're fanning around with.

What would you want us to do?

Listen, well, I can't do it all together.

What's about me?

I was doing AIDS.

Hang on a minute.

I was doing AIDS.

You just wait a minute.

Right, okay.

Why does cancer get to go back?

Are you saying that cancer's a bigger problem than an AIDS?

You go back to work.

Sorry, III to go back.

I'm doing.

Oh, I'm doing restless legs.

Can everybody, but the Big Bang people leave.

Well, we've come to an end of episode two of series five of the Ricky Gervais Show.

With me, Ricky Gerais, Stephen Merchant, thank you, and Carl Pilkinton.

Alright.

I was working on cold sores.

Fuck off.

I'm doing

I'm doing bunions.