Guardian S5E1 (September 15, 2008)

Ricky J.

Steve Merchant and with us, Cloud Dilkington.

This is the worst chair I've ever sat on.

And I've sat on some fucking chairs in my life.

Yeah.

Are we started?

Are we recording?

Yeah.

Ready?

Yeah.

Hello, and welcome to a brand new series.

Well, that's ridiculous.

I was getting it all fired up.

I was excited and motivated.

What are you talking about?

Just seems a bit mild, that.

Well,

you should have sorted that out.

Look at that.

Look at this.

Carl.

She's a shambles, man.

People have paid good money for this.

Carl, are we ready now?

Well, come back here then.

We're doing a podcast, you dopey ball twat.

What are you doing?

Go on.

We'll just go with it.

What are you up to?

Hello, fucking Davros.

Hello?

Yeah.

I'll just sit like that.

Right, okay, ready?

What was your problem?

Oh, Jesus.

Just this carpet.

Right, ready?

Yeah.

Hello, welcome to a brand new series of The Ricky Gerais Show with me, Ricky Gervais.

Hello.

Well, no.

I was so excited to say hello.

Okay, all right, okay.

Hello, and welcome to a brand new series of The Ricky Gervais show with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant.

Hello, and the little round-headed shaven chimp that is Carl Pilkington.

The boys are back in town.

What concerns me, is this the tail end of the last series of podcasts, or is this a brand new comeback?

What I mean is is this Take That when Robbie Williams had left, they sort of limped on with a couple more songs and then called it an end, or is this the triumphant return of Take That?

This is I mean, no, I I think we're a we're like

a great rock group who's just been away for a couple of years doing their fifth album.

Right.

Is it the fifth?

It's the fifth album.

The mid-year album.

Yeah, we've done a one, two, three series.

We've done the specials, which is like a fourth series.

Yeah, this is like the

fifth series.

Here it is, the fifth series of podcasts.

Although I can't call it podcasts because they're audio books, because we're charging for them.

We're not even giving away free first, then charge for them.

Because in the past, we've given away free.

Oh, and then we put them on iTunes and back catalogue.

You can buy them.

If you missed out on the last year when they were free for a year, now you can pay a pound.

People are complaining.

Last time we gave it away for free, like a year later, we sort of put it up there.

People can buy it.

They're going, oh, this was once free.

Well, yeah, it was once free.

So we did our bit.

We gave it to you for free, and now we're charging for people.

You should have bought it for free.

We can't do any more.

If everyone did that, I mean, it would just be a better world, wouldn't it?

Give it away for free, maybe, and then charge for it if you're too late.

So we're not even going to give this one away for free because they annoyed us, didn't they, Carl?

Yeah, a little bit.

Um, well, we actually did a bit of planning for this as well.

We thought we're going straight to a paid audiobook, let's plan it, let's not just come in here and shambles.

We've booked a studio, we're in a nice little studio in West London, our own little it's all to ourselves, isn't it?

It was just

yeah, Steve didn't get a good chair, but yeah, well, yeah, I've got a rubbish chair.

Look how big I am.

I have a giant sat on a like a kiddie's chair, and you've got, look at you, you're almost out for sleep, as usual.

Carl, I don't know why you you need a good chair.

What do you mean?

Why do you need a good, comfy chair?

Look how you're sat.

You can be perched on a stool.

You can be perched on a box.

Why don't we swap chairs?

Well, why do you want to...

What's wrong with you?

Because it's look at it.

Is this how you normally behave?

You always get your own way at home.

Is this how it is?

Yes, in my house, I do normally sit in a chair that I find comfy.

Will you be happy if I swap chairs?

Yes, I am.

I had to get him a special chair.

I bought some chairs for the office.

I bought them.

He went, oh, I don't like this one.

So I went and got him another one.

It was actually cheaper than the one he had.

He said, yeah, I like that more.

Well, there you are.

That's a lovely happy ending.

You ended up saying that.

I didn't give him a happy ending.

I did not give him a happy ending.

He just sat there and we worked.

There was no happy ending.

Do you get this, will you be happy?

I think I would be happy.

What do you mean, think?

He's like Goldilocks.

Are you going to be happy with this or not?

Why don't you let me try it on for size and see how we get on?

This is.

I feel guilty charging to this.

Just try it.

How's that, sir?

Is that okay?

That's a nice chair, actually.

Well, you're going to move the chair, so you're going to sit.

Oh, no, it's the whole dynamic.

No, I'm going to move the chair, don't you?

Yeah, Yeah, you've got to move.

I can't, you can't.

It's got to be me and Steve one side and the little round twonk the other.

Okay.

Right, okay, we're going to start any minute now.

We had a little cup of coffee.

There's some Kit Kat in the fridge, isn't there?

We thought we'd feed Carl a little Kit Kat later because

he's there, he's sort of pressing the buttons, he's keeping an eye on the computer and everything.

And it's like a doctor.

A doctor doesn't swab his own forehead.

So what I'll do is I'll get a little Kit Kat like that.

I'll dunk it in Carl's tea, and then I'll feed him a little kit cut.

I look forward to that.

Yeah.

How fussy was Carl as well with the tea?

He talks about you with the chairs.

He was looking at what tea bags there were.

I went, oh, PG tips.

Oh, I can't.

It's a bit strong, PG.

I can't believe you've got a favourite tea bag.

What's your favourite tea bag?

Twinings, English breakfast.

Can you really tell the difference?

Yeah, I can.

I've done like a little test on it because my mate was saying, oh, it's rubbish, it's all in your head.

And he had a selection of tea bags.

He had nothing else going on.

He says, right, what I'm going to do, I'm going to make three teas.

And he used Tetley, PG, Twinins.

Straight away, I got the Twinings, straight away.

Party time, party time in the Pilberton household.

Oh, when was this?

How old were you?

Oh, just going back a few months.

I was like a Jilly Goulden, just sort of having a little.

You can tell by the smell of a PG, because it's a strong tea, that very strong.

Twinings is quite fresh and light.

Tetley was just the one in the middle.

Can they get their money back?

If they have paid for this, can they get their money back and

illegally download it with a piece of it for the for the thing is it was just on the chat

oh we can tell like like the tea bags we can tell the quality podcasting from the rubbish can we we'll take this out if this is still in then it didn't go well

right then so uh let's start now let's let's start now let's concentrate um so episode one I thought what we'd do um is maybe go over some of the things that have happened since we met as it's the final series.

We met in about two thousand and two.

I thought we could think about how the world changed in those

seven years.

Six, seven years.

Well, certainly the big news is the endless threat of terror.

Terror, the war on terror.

That had kicked in when we met, Carl, all those years ago.

I walked into that room.

We were given this little...

At first I thought was a little slack-jawed chimp, gimp, sort of techno-kid.

It turned out that he wasn't very technical either.

Didn't even have that.

No, didn't even have that, just a gimp.

And he opened his mouth and we thought, we've struck gold here.

This is like a vein of

pure idiocy.

So that was going on.

Podcast now have been invented.

That's new, isn't it?

You were very much a pioneer, if you don't mind me saying, Rick.

Thanks, mate.

The iPod.

We've talked about the iPod.

Carl, not impressed.

I think it's just an amazing piece of design.

Oh, it is.

It's good.

I've always said it's good, now I've got one.

I was listening to it on the way here, yeah.

But all I'm saying is how many songs have you got on it?

Because you said there's only about three songs you'd want to hear.

Well, what I've uh

I've probably got about

we've got about 400 on it now, that's right, um,

but there's no there's no sort of filler, I don't just go putting full albums on it, no, a handpick, yeah.

Um, but what's odd is I find that I'm sort of buying stuff that I wouldn't normally buy if it was only on record, which is good but bad because I've got a lot of clutter now.

Do you know what I mean?

Well, you said you haven't, you said you haven't got a feeler.

I thought you were cherry-picking.

No, but what I'm saying is, like, yesterday I bought some Doctor Ook.

When was the last time I thought, I'll tell you what, I haven't heard for a while, Dr.

Ook.

Well, I heard it and I thought, oh, I used to like that one.

My mum used to have that one on when she was doing a Sunday dinner.

I thought, I like it.

What one?

What did she used to have on?

Doctor Ook.

What, every Sunday?

Well, it's just, that's the memory I've got of it.

I'm cooking the turkey, put the Doctor Ook on.

It's just always on.

And some other country Western singer.

My mum was Jim Reeves.

She always put Jim Reeves.

You like Jim Reeves?

Yeah, I like Jim Reeves.

My parents didn't like music.

Silence.

Oh, no.

It was.

Constantly, never put record on.

Oh, no.

At our house, Suzanne does the redding when she comes around to my mum and dad's house because there's music on in every room, all different.

And my mum's got into this fella called Roger Fender or something.

Some country western singer.

And it's on all the time on loot, the same song.

She said the sheep across the road has started to sort of hum to it.

It's on that much.

Brilliant.

Think of looking over and seeing some sheep humming.

No, it's not.

Roger Fender, whoever he is.

I think that's his name.

But yeah, so I've bought some Doctor Uck.

And what I'm saying is...

What did you buy?

What Doctor Ook did you buy?

It's called.

If not you, it's called.

Oh, yeah.

Good thing.

And

I wouldn't have bought that if I had to go to record shopping.

Well, no, it wouldn't be available.

They'd go, what are you talking about, mate?

Have you got that one by...

Mate, can you leave the store?

Well, yeah, but that's a good thing, isn't it, though, that you're being opened up to a whole different colour?

Yeah, but it's that thing of just

that's what excites me most, is that catalogue that you can without trying to go and

but I'm just saying that

that's what happens, isn't it?

If you've got a space for something, you fill it,

and that's the problem.

If my if my iPod wasn't an iPod and it was a cassette, Doctor Ook wouldn't be on it, he wouldn't feature, he wouldn't be on the cassette, Elvis would be, yeah, uh, it's the big boys.

What's wrong with having a space and filling it?

I mean, there's a space between your ears, we'd love to fill that, but

just because

it's stuff, it's normally stuff you don't need if you've got too much space and you're filling it.

It's like Ricky's house, you've got stuff in there now that you want to have had in a smaller flat.

You've got dead owls and stuff like that.

Dead owls?

Why are you buying dead owls?

No, it's an antique thing, it's antique stuffed down, and I was assured it died of natural causes of old age.

Yeah, it looked a good nick.

It didn't look up.

But dead owls suggest that they just fly into the room and I just leave them there.

They're cracking their head.

But what You're just sat in your dressing gown constantly, drinking gym.

Jay, there's another dead owl.

Freedom of the cut!

Freedom of the puma.

But that's what I'm saying.

I haven't got room for a live owl.

Never mind a dead one.

So that's the difference, and that's the same with an iPod, isn't it?

With an iPod, because you've got so many gig.

You go, what will I have?

Well,

Ricky's not sat at home looking at an empty space in his flat thinking, I need to fill that with something.

I think he would be.

What would be there?

If that dead owl wasn't there, what would you put there?

But you've picked on one thing.

You've picked on one thing.

Well, that's all you can do.

I'm just picking on an example.

What else do you want me to pick?

I'm just saying, I have not got room for a dead owl.

So I'd never look at one in a shop.

I'd go, I can't, I'm not going to buy that because I haven't got the space for it.

But why are you obsessed with, like, someone trying to pressure you into getting this dead owl?

I mean, it it seems a weird thing to shout.

I have not got space for a dead owl.

No, but if I say if I had an urge to see a dead owl,

natural history museum, loads of them.

I've never seen one and gone, oh, I wish I didn't have to go to the museum, I want one in my house.

That to me is like, right, Suzanne, have we got everything?

Have we got a dishwasher?

Yeah, washer-dryer, yeah.

Ironing board, yeah, right.

There's a better space there, is there anything you want?

Then, if it's like, dead owl, all right, we've got the room for it.

But

the way we're living now, we've definitely not got room for a dead owl.

That's all that's all I was saying.

And to me, a dead owl.

I I'd like this to be part of estate agents patter, There's a lovely space there for fit in about seven dead owls.

They don't know about square footage anymore.

It's now 6,000 dead owls.

You idiot.

Well, yeah, I'm still not convinced by this idea of

this space has got to be filled.

You know, people are.

It's not.

People just choose to buy things and fill up their house with those things because they give them pleasure.

Most things we've got are junk.

If you didn't have junk, all you'd have is a cooker,

a bath,

maybe a sink, a bed, and that would be it.

But anything else, a television, isn't necessary, is it?

You seem to think that people should live like, you know, kind of 19th-century mining conditions.

No, but these, like, a few years ago, people worked this out, didn't they?

They all went minimalistic.

Because they said what?

Say what?

Minimalistic.

So one more time.

Miminalistic.

No.

No.

What letter are you starting with in that word?

M.

Okay.

Where are you going on from there?

Minimum.

Well,

it must be minimum.

Yeah.

minimalistic.

Minimalistic.

Minimalistic.

No.

No, no, no.

But you know what I mean?

No, no, wait, you're popping in an M where there should be an N.

Minimalistic.

You're putting two M's when there shouldn't be an UM, right?

Minimalistic.

Minimalistic.

Wow!

Woo!

Well, thanks for listening, everyone.

That's the end of the first episode.

It's gone well.

So, anyway, a couple of years about, everyone went to the bottom of the bottom.

Yeah,

that was the trend, wasn't it?

But we've gone back to being clutter.

Clutteristic.

The way I live, like I've said to you before, it's the old three-month rule.

If something's not used over three months, chuck it out because it's not needed.

So suitcases?

What was the

suitcase?

Oh, he uses a suitcase every two weeks.

He's off all of us.

He's a lot of stuff, aren't they?

No stuff.

No stuff at clothes.

Well, if you don't wear a piece of clothing in three months, it's gone.

Well, why aren't I wore it in three months?

Well, because maybe it's a

suit or a tuxedo and you don't need any fancy balls.

I don't have any clothes like that.

I wear the same things anyway.

I throw clothes away every three months because I get too fat for them.

So, you know.

But it does seem to me the way you talk, it's like you want to live, as I say, like some kind of 19th-century pauper with a big tin bath in the lounge in the one room in your house, and all the family bathe in it.

And yet, you wouldn't be happy with that.

Maybe, maybe.

Well, I've told you before about that something I said when I was younger.

What?

What did you say?

When I was younger,

I think I was having a bath or something, and I said to my mum, Oh, remember when I was in like that tim bath in front of the fire?

She went what?

And now that's strange, isn't it?

That you're saying I'd be happier with that back then.

So it's like that was my past life.

Well, hang on, hang on.

We haven't finished.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What do you mean?

Your mum said, what you're talking about, you said.

How old were you?

I must have been a kid if I'm having a bath and my mum sat there.

Well, yeah.

Well, I don't know how you operate.

I assume you were, but how old?

Must have had time to have a bath.

As you get older, you don't have as much time, do you?

So I'd say five.

I never found that after five, he didn't have time to have a bath.

He's so busy.

Carl, we've read your diary.

One day, it was simply went to the cobblers and back.

No, but you had time to have about 19 baths.

No, but as you get older, you sort of go, I haven't got time to sit in a bath where as a kid, it's something that you're going to be doing.

You're only staring at ants.

When have you ever been too busy to have a bath?

One, you're never busy.

Two, how can you be too busy to wash?

It's like saying too busy to eat.

Breathe, forgot to breathe last night.

Why?

I had a bit of work to do.

What point are you making?

So I'm just saying

you said that I'd be happier back in 1800s away.

But what are you saying that you didn't really have a bath in front of the fire?

You mean this was a glimpse of a past life, what do you think?

Yes.

This is just such a non-point.

This is just nothing.

If you'd said, well, then I went off to see one of those people who regresses you, and although it was a load of old bollocks, he regressed me and it turns out I was the king of Sheba.

I love those things, people.

Everyone thinks they've lived before, right?

Did I tell you that there was a documentary

about these people in Los Angeles that they'd lived before and they'd come back, and

they did a come-as-you-were party.

So they went as the people in their previous life.

All of them famous.

Of course, they were.

Kings, queens, leaders of men.

Not I was a stableland, I'll forget my name.

Two Napoleons, one of them's lying.

I mean,

absolute absolute twaddle

We're talking about things that have uh happened since we met.

We've uh we've done podcasts and we've done the iPod, we've dismissed that.

Um see Carl, when he disses all these great inventions and design, when he says you don't need'em, it's just faffin', what he means is he's a little bit annoyed that no one's picked up on his ideas, like the clippable mat for the mug, or

I don't know, c cat mops.

That wasn't yours, nor was the tie, was it?

The stupid tie.

What's that?

What's the one about the tie?

The tie that had a pocket.

Loads of pockets.

But I didn't come up with that.

That's something I saw somewhere.

But it never caught on.

I've never seen anyone wearing one yet.

It's such a good idea.

It's not a good idea.

It's like having a carrier bag round your neck.

It doesn't make any sense.

It's a tie packed with stuff.

All right, Frank, nice tie.

What have you got in there?

Baguette.

Just ridiculous.

Well, imagine the day that the tie was invented.

There you go.

Do you want a tie?

What do you do with that?

Put it round your neck.

What for?

Um dunno.

Why tie it?

What?

Um because you haven't invented buttons yet and it keeps your shirt together at the top.

Well, all right then, right.

Uh we've invented buttons.

Are we gonna stop making these ties?

No, why?

He's got you there ready.

There you go.

No, I'm saying, what are you doing with that tie around your neck?

Oh, it's a pocket tie.

It's a what?

It's a pocket tie.

What do you mean?

It's got pockets in it.

Oh, that's weird.

What are you doing?

So I've got a pocket in my jacket.

Yeah, I know, but but hang on, hang on a minute.

It's a hot day, innit?

Don't want to put your jacket on.

Or a tie.

Well, if you're going to wear a jacket, wear a tie.

Leave a jacket.

I'm not wearing a jacket.

I'm wearing a shirt.

You've got to give it a purpose.

If you're going to wear something, give it a purpose.

Everything has a purpose.

A tie at the moment is just round your neck, keeping you hot.

If you're going to be hot, carry something.

Hands free.

And everything's always there.

A bag, you put stuff in a bag, you put a bag down, you forget it.

I always forget bags, that's why I don't like carrying them.

You pop it down, you get up, you walk off.

Oh, where's the bag?

A tie, when you go in a cafe or something for beans on toast, you don't take your tie off.

I don't wear a tie.

I would if it had pockets.

Carl!

The country would look smarter.

Right, you have pockets.

So, what are you carrying in this pocket?

I've got a spare change.

Yeah, okay.

Which

you're rattling around like a cow in Switzerland.

Just like looking at it.

Spare change.

I've got like my debit card in there.

Right.

Maybe got me little front door key in one of the pockets.

Okay.

A pair of scissors if you want.

Amazing.

That's safe, isn't it?

That's a good place to put it, just to raise the heart area.

Yeah, and near the throat.

It's facing upwards.

Brilliant.

Carl, think what you're saying.

So, when you're on the beach and you've just got your speedos on, pop a tie on, go to the shop, do pop a tie on.

No, no, you wear it in the appropriate times, but I'm just saying if you're going to wear a tie, let's make it useful.

Let's give it a purpose.

Don't wear a tie.

It's all right.

You do not need a tie with pockets.

If you're wearing a tie, you've got clothes with pockets.

And it's going to be weighing your neck down.

I mean, come on.

Don't go mad if you carry him in anything big, you buy the scarf version.

what else has happened since we met 2002

gay marriages

that's uh that's kicked in

yeah thoughts

they've happened are they popular though I mean

well amongst gay people who want to get married they're very popular I imagine what's the point of it you know I suppose

they want to feel that there's an equality.

But is it just one of them things where they wanted it because they can't have it?

Do you know what I mean?

I think any excuse for a fancy dress,

they like to dress up.

They love a press tent.

See, I just don't understand that.

What's it?

I mean, who gets whose name do they use?

Whose surname do they go with?

I don't know.

There's a problem.

Just creating problems.

I always say that.

Any problem solved is a new problem made.

Gobbledygook.

A new problem solved is a new problem made.

Yeah.

Like I said, that time when I was in hospital, and, you know, I remember in the 80s, everyone was going, oh, there's not enough hospital beds and all that.

When I was in hospital with, what's it, kidney stones?

Yeah.

Loads of beds, not enough pillars.

So that's the way it worked.

It sorted out the bed problem.

They'd give me a bed at night.

I was going, I haven't got a pillar.

He had to go off and get one.

He brought it back.

It was still warm.

Oh,

that has been

under a bedhead.

So that's what I'm saying.

It's kind of like you get all the beds.

New problem.

Where's the pillars?

Don't solve problems.

Don't solve problems.

Brilliant.

What do you make of the

big problem in the church?

Not wanting

gay people to be priests.

Does that concern you?

No.

No.

It's a problem if you're gay, and it's a problem if you go to church and you don't like gays, but I don't go to church and I'm not gay.

There's certain problems that just go over your head.

If you were gay Kyle what would you do?

Well I'll do what all gays do I suppose.

What's that?

Whatever it is they do.

I'm just saying

well

just say what I've got.

Well I'm not gay so I don't I don't know.

So um

getting uh gay marriage um

would you uh ever go through with that?

What if I was gay?

Well it's hard to answer innit?

How can I answer it if I'm not gay?

I don't know what I'd do.

I might not look like this.

I'd look totally different if I was gay.

Even though it's my mum's what, sitting my dad's jeers or whatever.

You still, I'd still, I'd look different because gays do, you make more of an effort.

Look at me, I won't survive as a gay man.

Maybe that's why I'm not one

right.

Carl, I'm going to give you a scenario though, okay?

I want to test.

Would you rather...

So you're not gay, okay?

This is the real you, right?

Someone put a gun to your head and goes, right, okay, Carl.

You've either got a marry a little gay fella.

There's a little fella here.

He loves you.

He's liked you for a long time.

He goes, Hello, Carl.

You go, Alright, mate.

He's a lovely bloke.

I think he lives in Brighton.

I think he's in advertising.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he's got a sports car.

He's smart.

He looks lovely.

Pink shirt, white suit.

He's grey.

He's very popular.

He's got tints.

It always looks good.

Lovely tan.

He's about 38.

What's his name?

His name is Graham.

Oh, yeah.

What's exactly?

Yeah, and he goes, hello, Carl.

And you go, all right, Graham.

And someone suddenly bursts in and goes, right, you've either got to marry Graham.

He puts a gun to your ready, he goes, right, you've either got to marry Graham, okay?

You've got to tell all your family.

Well, no, I'm not going to marry him, mamma.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, all the choices.

Well, I know, I know one of the choices, and I'm not happy with that choice, so you go with whatever else.

Well, no.

So what's the other option, Rick?

Well, okay.

So

you marry Graham and you do.

You're not marrying Graham.

You do all the things in the bedroom.

Why is that happening?

Well, you've married now.

You've married now, and he wants to consequently.

Even under marriage, you can't do that, can you?

You can say, hang on a minute.

Well, no.

I don't know why you've married Graham.

No, but you want you to be happy.

You want him to be happy.

He's giving you a lovely house.

Yeah, but I'd say, Graham, hang on a minute.

You know the score.

I'm not into this.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you didn't want a bullet in your head.

Now, if you love me, will you stop doing that?

Stop doing what?

What you're doing in the bedroom.

Well, no, just, you know, you have a lovely life.

You do your own thing.

You do this, right?

Podcasts, do your little books and that.

Little um, you know.

And Graham goes off, he does his, and he comes back, he goes, Oh, I've had a day.

You go, What's the matter, Graham?

And you go, you just sort of massage him.

He's just like, Oh, I'll go with the other option.

Well, wait, Carl!

So you're going, Oh, God,

I've made you some pork chop.

He goes, Oh, you're a darling, right?

It wouldn't work, though, because you're putting two people together who don't want to be together.

Well, Graham wants to be with you.

Yeah, Graham loves you.

Relationships are two-way, innit?

And I don't, I mean, this is a made-up man, and I know I don't like him.

That's just homophobic.

No, it's not.

It's annoying me.

Why?

He's a little bit more.

Why is he annoying me?

It's just the way he looks after his body.

He's saying he's tanning it.

He's having a massage.

I wouldn't be doing all that.

So it wouldn't last.

The relationship isn't.

No, it doesn't work.

Opposites attract, okay?

Not to any point, it doesn't work.

He's good to you.

He's really, though.

He's, oh, God, he's faithful.

He's got a good job.

He's got a really good job.

You get invited to really nice parties.

It's just him.

I don't like him.

No, that's a shame.

He absolutely loves you.

That happens, doesn't it?

It happens that I remember being at school with a girl who really liked me, and I was like, it's not going to happen, Sharon.

No, no, no, it's going to happen.

The first, the first, the first.

And that's Sharon, not Graham.

So the chances of me letting this Graham move in.

Well, you've moved in with him, right?

He's got a lovely, bigger...

Got a six-bedroom house.

Of course, you have to.

And you move in with him, right?

For the first day, you go, I'm not happy with this, because you're thinking, oh, my God, it's a, oh, God.

First day in marriage, where's it going to go?

He goes off.

He gives you a peck on the.

What's the option?

Well, Well, why?

What's the other choice?

Well, you don't know.

Yeah, okay.

So he comes home, he goes, he's bought you a lovely little ankle bracelet

with Carl.

Graham, I need a word.

I go, what is it?

What's up, love?

What's the matter?

Look, Arby Graham.

Right, okay.

Arby Graham.

Smart, you look tense.

This is all uh

it's with living a lie, yeah?

Well, yeah, but it's just the alternative is so much worse.

Well, what's the alternative?

Well, what is the alternative, Rick?

I think we're all waiting for that.

Well, marry a chimp.

Marry a chimp?

Yeah.

Unless you either live with a chimp in a tree or marry Graham, your family are gonna get killed.

They're gonna someone's gonna shoot'em, right?

So you have to decide what you want to do.

Do you want to go and live in a tree with a chimp and eat nothing but bananas and just live the chimp world?

Okay.

Yeah.

Or Woo Graham.

You go down there, you're chatting to him.

You're just in a club, right?

You're there.

But who's watching that I'm staying with him?

Whoever this evil is.

Yeah.

Where is he watching from?

The evil person's going, right?

He goes to that club Saturday nights.

Don't bother going before midnight.

You won't be there.

So you get there, you walk in there, it's 1 a.m., and he goes, That's him over there in the pink shirt dancing.

Okay,

he wouldn't like me, he would.

You go, no, he goes, Is it?

You've got to win him over.

Look at you, look at your lovely shaved head, hairy arms.

Oh, my God.

I mean, you are more suited to the chimp, but there you'll go down a storm, right?

You go down there, you've got a little vest on, leather trousers.

What would you say to Graham?

You've got to go over.

You've got a bought leather pair of trousers and you've cut out the back, okay?

There you're going.

Your ass is showing,

you've got a freshly shaved shaved head.

You've got a little white vest.

Okay, has he got all this on?

No, he's got a little pink Ben Sherman, white trousers, and Esper Drills.

Right, I'd dance over.

Yeah.

And say,

you grey, and we go, yeah.

Oh, hello.

Who are you?

So, never mind, you haven't seen a chimp about, have you?