Guardian S3E4 (September 12, 2006)

This is Audible.

Hello, and welcome to number four

in the series of six,

season three of the Ricky Gervais show with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant.

Hello, and Carl Pilkington.

Hi.

Uh yeah, first of all, I'm sorry to do this, but me and Steve have got to bring something up that's been bugging us for a couple of weeks now, but it's reached.

You are so fucking lazy, Carl, at the moment.

You have time off, right?

You go out every weekend, so me and Steve are so pressured with so many things to do with extras and books coming out and stuff.

I've never had anyone whinge about going in with kidney stones.

I know loads of people that have had kidney stones.

Yeah, yeah, no, no, no, you say not like that because they have.

They've had the operation.

I know people that had their appendix out, right?

An actual under-the-knife operation, and he was back at work the next day, and he had a bit of a sore side.

But you have wings now for weeks and weeks, everything.

You say, Oh, I've had this, oh, I've got to go in again.

But you're still willing to go away every weekend to see your folks or your in-laws.

This is the problem.

Or a holiday.

And it's just like we are so,

you know, sometimes you've got to pull together, mate.

Yeah, but what I'm saying is, you say keep a diary, and you said, Make sure you do a diary for a year.

Yeah.

If I didn't go and visit people and travel the world, what would I do in it?

Carl, I read your diary every week.

All you seem to do is spend time in a cafe having a cup of tea and a bit of breakfast.

Who are you constantly visiting?

Anyway, let's not ask you.

You don't even like your family, I think.

It's not my family, is it?

Your family's family.

You don't like anyone.

Why are you visiting me?

But you say I'm working that weekend.

I'm working that weekend.

We have to put.

Let's put this in first.

You know, it's a busy time.

Family's important, isn't it?

You can't keep messing with me.

But this is all you have to do.

What else are you doing?

What other job have you got?

I don't know if I don't want to go into what I'm doing, but I've got lots of things.

But all I are is you're always having meetings.

You're always going from meetings.

I don't want that meeting to meetings.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, no, seriously, though.

So, you've been on your travels, you've got, you know, you've got lots to talk about.

So, I've got to go in hospital again as well, so.

What's your current state with your old.

Oh, I don't want to go on about it.

Well, no, I mean, you know, you've brought it up.

You're fine, you won't have to go away, you won't have to go on holiday, you won't have to visit people, you went on a train, you went to Manchester.

You must be well enough, so you won't have to do this.

I went back to Bristol at the weekend.

I had a bit of time off, as you know, because Carl couldn't do do the works.

That's what I mean.

So we all had a work.

No, no, I didn't.

I went to Bristol and I was working.

That's all right.

But he's still visiting a place, is what I'm saying.

Well, that's a ridiculous thing to say.

That's like saying a pilot doesn't work because he's visiting a place.

No, because he doesn't visit it.

No, you sit down on your ass.

Sometimes you hire a car, so you can't be reading or studying.

You're driving for six hours.

I went there working.

We went to America.

We were working.

I went to Bristol.

I was working.

Shut up.

Ooh.

Do you know what I mean?

Getting a bit up at tea.

The truth hurts, Stephen.

The truth does hurt.

And it's interesting that that he suddenly snapped at you there.

I know.

Because I wondered to myself, if it weren't for you, Mr Ricky Gervais, what would this man, this little round-headed man, be doing right now?

Fuck all, Stephen.

Fuck all.

Yeah, I went back to Bristol at the weekend and I as you know we all had a bit of time off and um

uh actually I was quite annoyed'cause I passed the pub near where my parents live and they had a band on.

You know pubs sometimes have a band on.

And the name of the band, I'm disappointed that I missed them.

The name of the band, Rick, was

Loose Change.

What I like about loose changes, it's the least evocative name for a band, isn't it?

It's not sexy.

It's nothing.

It's got no kind of mood or feel to it at all.

Loose change.

Loose change.

It's just...

Welcome.

Rough outline.

Yeah.

It's just nothing.

The checkbook stubs.

Pocket fluff.

Yeah, yeah.

But

while I was at my parents' house, they often keep clippings of things, you know, if we've been mentioned in the papers, they like to keep a record of them and stuff because I like to show it to my grandparents, you know, and

keep fully abreast of things.

And I

managed to find a couple of them.

This is what, I don't know if you've heard this, Carl.

For people who don't realise, Carl was making a couple of little three-minute TV projects recently that were on Channel 4.

And in the Sunday Times,

someone's written a letter about Carl to the Sunday Times.

They can send in comments and views on things they've seen, read, heard.

Oh, excellent.

And this is what someone wrote to the Sunday Times.

Who is Kyle Pilkington, and why have I just wasted five minutes of my life listening to some of his cretinous thoughts on Channel 4?

He asked, why are there so many dinosaurs on display in museums?

Quotes: Couldn't they just choose the best one and just show that?

He summed it all up by deciding that we know too much.

Somebody clearly doesn't know enough to know that this is a complete waste of airtime showing no wit, intellect, or creativity.

That's from Wendy Robinson in Berkshire.

You can't have your critics.

You know what I mean?

You've got to have your critics.

Of course you have.

If everybody liked what you did, then you're not doing the right thing.

She wasted five minutes and there were three minute wonders.

So it must have felt

two-thirds as long again.

But think how angry she must have been to have bothered writing this letter to the Sunday Times.

Well, that's good.

I mean, you really must have.

It's all about getting people thinking.

That's what I always say to you.

As long as I'm getting people thinking about what I've said, she remembered what I said.

But what what views did you put out in these short films which you feel people perhaps should be talking about, discussing, digesting, thinking about?

Uh, just stuff that was in my head that day when I was filming them.

Yeah.

Is it in your head now?

Uh some of it is.

Now you've remembered me what I said.

Now you what?

Now you've sort of told me what I said in that one, yeah, I remember saying that.

Yeah.

And I stick by it.

Remembering some other stuff?

Yeah.

I'll tell you now, right?

List yeah, if I don't know if Wendy's, you know, listen to this.

But almost certainly not.

But listen, right?

I was saying about the

museums, right, and how they're big and everything.

And they've got dinosaurs all over the shop.

I read that

in that museum, they've got something like

seven million bits of stuff in there.

Right now, when I spend two hours in somewhere, just show me the good stuff.

Don't be saying we've got seven million bits.

Because there was a a fella, a fella who opened it, right?

I did a bit of research on the museum.

Fella who opened the museum up.

What was his name?

It doesn't matter.

Okay.

It doesn't matter, does it?

What museum was it?

It was the London one.

Oh, the London one, yeah.

So he's in there and he's collecting all this, you know, bits of stuff.

What stuff?

Just whatever's knocking about at that time.

It seemed like you ever searched it.

He never chucked anything away.

He's like, oh, I won't put it in the bin, pop it on the shelf.

So he's put everything on a shelf in the museum.

Then I was tired of it.

I don't think you're going into too much detail, but just give us the gist of it.

No, but all I'm saying is,

it keeps everything, and if you keep everything, sometimes it'll be good stuff, right?

And a lot of the stuff was going missing, the good stuff.

But people who set these museums up are just as crafty.

What?

The fellow who found Tutankham Carmen, he was pocketing all sorts of fingers and stuff in his pockets on the way out.

That had rings on him and stuff.

So all I'm saying is, why is she having a go?

But hang on, wait, what's that got to do with someone pocketing I don't understand your point because she's sort of moaning at me going don't have a go at the museum and the dinosaurs.

But no, she was having a go with your fatuous point.

Yeah, you absolutely uneducated, stupid point that you got T V time to talk absolute shit.

If I could uh

paraphrase Wendy, that's not my fault.

If someone says do you want me to do a little programming, you can do what I want.

I went and did what I did.

Free speech, anyway.

But we just gave you the chance then to defend yourself and you just confirmed Wendy's point a thousand times over.

What was all this waffle about people nicking stuff?

What's that got to do with anything?

Because she's having a go at me, I didn't nick it.

But she's having to go at you for talking nonsense that's of no consequence, which is why you just did that.

But what was your point?

Alright, then we'll watch Wendy's little programme when that goes out.

Let's see what she's got to talk about.

Sick of her.

So, anyway, as I say, my mother saves various clippings and things which may be of interest.

This was recently in the

Daily Mail in one of those kind of gossip columns.

Ricky Gervais's cringe-worthy dance routine as managerial buffoon David Bren was undoubtedly the highlight of BBC Comedy The Office.

Perhaps credit for the scene should not go to Gervais, however, but his lanky co-writer Stephen Merchant.

For I hear that 6'7-inch Merchant has been attracting a great deal of female attention at the so-and-so pub in North London until he took to the dance floor with Brent-esque results.

Says my mole, most of the feminine throng looked away in embarrassment.

Putting it kindly, he was rather ungainly, like a giant albatross hopping on stilts.

Right, now then, I'll take issue with this because firstly you wouldn't be attracting female attention in the first place.

Rick, if I had been, I'd have phoned the male myself.

Point A, right, I seem to remember distinctly I was talking to one of my mates the whole night and we were discussing about the fact we were too shy to talk to girls.

So wrong there.

Point two, as you well know, if I take to the dance floor, which on this occasion I didn't, I remember distinctly not because I love to dance, I would not have been described as a giant albatross hopping on stilts because Carl has seen me dance, you've seen me dance, you know I'm a good mover.

Yeah.

Just in the same way that people can't quite understand how Peter Crouch, the same height as me, is able to be so brilliant on the football field.

Yeah.

People look at me when I'm dancing and they go, I don't know how that big guy is able to bust some of those kind of moves.

Yeah.

I've won two dance contests in my life.

Those facts, those stats speak for themselves, Rick.

I know, I know.

I mean, you've seen me dancing.

How would you describe me?

I think that you look like

you look like

an upright lizard, right, having being given electroshock treatment.

And I think that's a lot fairer, isn't it, than the albatross nonsense?

Well, I

so I'm just trying to picture that because again, I was that a compliment?

You were on my side, right?

You were defending the lizard.

A cross between a giant lizard and

a stick insect.

Again, because they don't sound

straight away, they don't sound like compliments, but I'm assuming you're on my side here.

A stick insect with funny glasses?

Is that?

Again, yeah.

I thought, hmm, I was thinking you would perhaps be going to be a bit touch more supportive, but these you've not really.

Carl, you've seen me dance.

What are your views?

It's just like a bit of weird art.

That's brilliant.

That is brilliant.

That's so much better than an albatross.

I wouldn't have said an albatross, because I was looking at one of them the other day, and I don't understand what they mean by that, because they're dying out.

They're saying how

they dive in the sky.

Oh, it's gone.

Something happened in the brain.

It went from the point we were making via an albatross, then it just shot off.

It just

like a pinball.

Well, let's hear because it's going to be another good point.

No, it's just saying how, because I've never seen one, and they were saying, How would you feel if you never saw one again?

And I was like,

you know, I've got by this long without it.

It's not bothered me.

But

it was just sort of saying,

what they do is they dive in the sea,

sort of put their head under the water, see if there's any fish knocking about,

grab one, get out again, right?

Yeah.

Go to land.

I don't know if they're designed to do that.

Well, obviously they are.

No, because seagulls are, because you see them floating about.

Now, what's happening is they're doing that, but getting caught in nets.

Well, that's it.

The nets shouldn't be there.

That's the point.

They're totally adapted to their environment, but we came along millions and millions of years afterwards and stitched them up.

It's not like people are going, well, the nets are always there.

How did they evolve without getting caught in the net?

We invented the net.

We've only been knocking around for a few hundred thousand years.

But what I'm saying is, it's that thing about animals learned by mistakes by other animals.

You know, like the monkeys peeling potatoes.

Right.

That's never happened.

They go and put nuts in the salt water to salt the nut.

Whatever.

How does that get to peeling potatoes?

Because in your head, they were working in a canteen.

Making chips.

Yeah, definitely, yeah.

It doesn't matter what the food is.

I'm just saying how they know how to sort of prepare.

I love the fact that you don't care what the fact is.

When you're discussing facts, that's all that matters.

Otherwise, on mastermind, they just go, um, uh, who wrote Much Ado About Nothing?

Dickens?

Yeah, close enough, whatever, someone did.

It the fact is what matters.

Yeah, but with that question, that's got a straightforward answer.

What I'm telling you is the way that animals work.

If it's a potato or a nut, it's a foodage.

And once again, I return you to my question as to what's your point?

What were you what point were you making?

I'm just saying an albatross will find fo if you're hungry you find food or you change your diet.

If you don't eat something else, you die out.

Simple.

Said before,

if you want a pie, but they haven't got any pies.

If you have a pasty,

alter your diet.

And an albatross.

Drastically.

Yeah,

you said.

Completely changing my diet.

No more pies.

What are you eating, pasty?

Brilliant.

I'm not going to eat quicha anymore.

I'm going to have a tartlet.

But you're getting more and more sort of single-minded in your

single-celled.

Yeah.

It's not, though.

In your belief that everything you say has got some kind of profound implication and that no one else is listening.

That we're all ignorant.

We're all not listening to what we're saying.

Here's another one.

Go on.

There's something else that is.

Oh, come on.

This will be good.

This will be as good as E equals M C squared.

The

people aging backwards idea.

Well, it's not an idea.

They've done something on it saying how...

No, they haven't.

A baby has been messing about with emails.

Right?

Right.

Oh, yeah.

A 65-year-old doesn't know how to use email.

So, again, my system works.

So, say if you're an old person,

you're not using the internet, but you shouldn't be anyway.

Because

you should be sort of just getting used to life as an old person.

When you're a baby and you're about to die, you're using the internet.

I don't know what you mean.

When you're a baby and you're about to die.

This is if this was your good idea.

Well, let me just ask a couple of things.

Sorry.

That makes no sense at all.

What you just uh that makes no sense at all.

You may as well have hit a wok

to express that point because there I the pom

that would have made more sense.

This would have been more profound.

This is why

this is why Wendy's having a go though, because you're not being open minded.

You're not thinking about it.

But we're being open minded to good ideas, to sensible thought, to intellectual considerations.

We're not being open minded to this utter drivel.

Yeah, but every invention is a bit who'd have thought the frisbee would have caught on.

That's not I don't think that can count as an invention, though.

Of course it is.

People are paying for it.

Someone said, I'm going to invent something.

But people are paying for carrots.

But they're not an invention.

Because you pay for something, it doesn't mean it's an invention.

No, but a man-made thing.

A frisbee is it didn't grow off a tree, did it?

Someone's made that and gone, I can sell this.

And people are buying it.

You know, all I'm saying is things things change, don't they?

You know, the albatross is dying out.

The way,

like when I walked into the flat, right, we've had hot weather, aren't we?

We've had a lot of flies knocking about.

Now, when I was younger, I never saw flies sort of hanging about in gangs.

Whereas I don't know what world this is where they have little motorbikes.

No, you know, just you'd sort of see one, one would get in the house, you know, my dad would kill it or whatever, but you'd never see three.

You wouldn't be going, oh, which one am I going to get first?

and everything.

They'd come in, they'd exit out of a window or whatever.

Whereas I walked in on a bit of activity.

There's nothing to eat here.

Right?

Three flies in the flat, right, all sort of whizzing around all together.

So I just sort of think, oh, you know, let them be.

They seem to be happy.

You know, they're playing around with each other.

Sat down, reading the paper, look up, right?

It was like

one was trying to have it away with one of the flies, and the other one was

having a go as well.

It turned out it was a little fly that didn't want any of the action, but two were attacking it.

How could you possibly gauge that?

Just by watching.

That's how you learn, innit?

You watch, you watch.

But no, this is conjecture again.

You had no idea what was going on there.

No, I did.

It's the way they were sort of jumping on it and stuff, and I was like, oh, I'm not happy with this going on, and you know, under my roof, sort of thing.

My house, my rules.

But it's a nightmare because it's small, you can't control it, you don't know which one's which.

You might end up sort of pushing out one that's the baddest.

What are you talking about?

I'm just saying.

Why are you getting involved?

Just because creatures are changing all the time.

What are you talking about?

What point are you making?

I'm just saying the way that flies used to be happy, go lucky, on their own, the sun's out, have a fly about.

Whereas nowadays,

there's like little attacks going on.

Oh God!

Oh god, oh my!

But how could you tell which were the two aggressors and which was the victim?

How could you distinguish this was this was the problem?

I mean all I was looking at w was which one they kept attacking.

And I was thinking if I can get that one in the bedroom and then get the other two out the window.

Just breaking it up.

Because oh, what sort of a person would I be to let that go on?

I don't know what he's talking about.

He has no feelings for anything.

He doesn't care if whole species die out.

Why are you getting involved?

I think that's where you're wrong, because I think I think more than most people.

I think there's a lot of people who just go through the motions.

Yeah.

They do the same thing every day.

They can do a job, but that's all they stick to.

They don't think about what them flies do.

Carl.

What's that like?

I've known you for, I don't know,

four years.

And all you ever say is things like, why do we have jellyfish?

No, I haven't mentioned a jellyfish today.

But it's the same old shit.

You look at someone, you make up your own story, and then your conclusion annoys you, even though it's totally fatuous.

Like I say, the man with the frisbee, what happens if he had a mate who said, rubbish that?

He wouldn't have done it.

I love the fact that you think the frisbee is the pinnacle of invention.

Yeah, I think it's amazing.

No, it's an example of something that, you know, if he was on some programme where you said, I've invented this, did go, get out.

They wouldn't give him time of day to say, right, I've made this thing, it's out of plastic, you throw it about.

What for?

Well, you just took it about on the beach.

What's the point?

It was a bit of fun, isn't it?

No, I don't like it.

I think that was an argument with himself.

No, but do you know what I mean?

It's a popular little thing, and I'm just saying it's easy to put ideas down.

But you've never even come up with an idea as good as the frisbee, and that's saying something.

I came up with a clippable mat that goes on a cup, and it's a good little thing.

I haven't followed it through yet.

A what?

A clippable mat.

What's a clippable mat?

A clippable mat that you stick on a cup, so you you can put your cup down on a table without having to go, Oh, where's that mat?

It's it's clipped to the cup all the time.

And you put the cup down wherever you want,'cause it's got a mat on it.

I think I've seen that.

But why does it have to be clipped?

Why can it just be built into the cup?

Because uh

So it clips onto you've got our special cups, it doesn't clip onto every cup.

No, but just the same way that every saucer is different.

You don't say, Oh, I'm sick of this saucer, it doesn't fit a mug.

You you use the saucer that I mean, I don't use saucers, just don't buy s that's a source.

But isn't isn't the saucer what you're talking about?

Kind of, yeah, but it's clippable.

But

why is the clippability so important to you?

So you don't have to keep finding the mat when you put the cup down, it's constantly clipped.

But why does it have to be clippable?

Because that suggests it's removable.

Why not just have something where it's constantly attached?

What's to stop you from losing that in much the same way as you lose the coasters?

Do we need this?

Do we need a clippable coaster?

So let's just ask him, like it's the dragon's den.

Let's ask him now.

We've got money to invest on your clippable cup.

Now, pitch this idea to us.

How would you sell this idea to us?

You just said, what was your question then?

Brilliant.

So you're not listening.

Let's start again.

I am.

Okay, imagine you walked in.

What is it for?

What is it for?

Is it a coaster to stop the heat from the cup burning the vines?

Let him explain that.

Or is it a saucer to stop

spills?

Let's have you pitch this idea to us.

You've never met us before.

You were investors.

Tell us, explain this to us.

Sell it to us.

Right.

We're living living in a world

where furniture is important to people.

They spend a lot of money on it, don't they?

Furniture.

There's so many furniture shops out there.

Yeah.

All different types of wood from all over the world.

Absolutely.

Right.

If something's come from the Amazon, you don't want a coffee stain on it.

No, you don't know.

Right.

But we're living in a world as well where people don't use saucers.

When you go out and buy, because people...

What do you mean we live in a world where they don't use saucers?

Yeah, there's loads of saucers, yeah.

Because I know people who buy cups singly.

Right.

Because there's only two people living in the flat, so you don't buy a big box.

Because in a big box of like plates and that, you get things like,

you know,

what's the plate that's above a saucer, but below a plate?

The plate that's above a saucer, but below a plate.

So it's a plate, but it's below a plate.

But it's a size that you sort of go, what am I doing with this?

So, uh, what would it be?

A size plate?

Maybe, but.

But a plate that you'd have alongside your regular dinner plate, right?

Maybe put a bread roll along or something in a restaurant.

Yeah, okay.

What's your point?

What's your point?

This is fascinating to me.

Because this is his best attempt now to attract investment.

Do you know where your mats are at home?

I haven't got mats, don't use them.

Why not?

Because

it it doesn't bother me.

I I haven't got any highly polished

furniture from the Amazon.

Right, Steve, have you got any sort of.

I've got some coasters and I use the coasters.

And do you know where they are when you need one?

Well, yes, because they're always at the place where I would normally put down a mug of hot tea, i.e., on a table or a coffee table.

Right, no, but

if I had a highly polished table from the Amazon, I'd keep my coasters on it.

Yeah, but what I'm saying now is, what happens if you get up with your cup of tea?

You're a busy man, right?

This is what I'm saying.

We're living in a world where people are busier than you.

Yeah, go on, go on.

Not everybody can sit down and enjoy a cup of tea sat in the same place.

Right.

You get up and you might move into another room.

You haven't got a polished table in there, for the havens, hasn't it?

No, but you might be working on another expensive table.

Oh, fine, we'll have a coaster there.

My question is this: one,

does it fit all mugs?

Or do I have to buy a special mug to have this special computer?

Well, we can work it whatever way you want.

We can either look at the standard size mug and say, Let's appeal to everyone, or we can get in in touch with some mug company.

How is it clipped?

Just like little plastic clips that clip onto it.

Yeah.

And then you clip it off and you and you clean it.

The dishwasher proof, by the way.

I don't know.

Nah, they don't need that.

Why can't you just make a mug that has something built in the base of the mug to prevent it from making the mark?

Nah, that's it.

It's only the heat that makes the mark, isn't it, really?

I I I just wanna say now, it's a pointless idea, um and I'm out.

Right, but what about the idea that you've just suggested then, with the mug with the saucer built in?

What about will we will we do that together?

But that's not your idea, that's my idea.

Yeah, but without my idea, you wouldn't have had that.

Well, but that's absurd.

We're having a conversation.

I've come up with an idea.

Now I've got the money.

I've got the money, and I'm going to go off with that idea.

Yeah, you haven't painted it anyway, and it's a rubbish idea.

It's not rubbish, because I've just thought, as well, that would be good for putting biscuits on the side as well.

Oh, God.

Okay,

that means we can get rid of that plate that I don't know about.

By the way, now this is broadcast, you can never paint this idea because it's out in public domain.

Rick, Rick, Rick, why don't we see if there's anyone out there who's who's willing to invest in this idea?

Are you a mug manufacturer?

Are you a mug designer?

Are you someone who's got any interest whatsoever in this idea?

Do you think it's a saleable idea?

And more importantly, would it be not great to have a picture of Carl's face on the map?

Because it's perfectly round.

Perfectly round.

As well, and you'd scold him every time you.

So there'd be a certain satisfaction in that.

Yeah, well, if Peter Jones is listening, or that Ballantyne fella, or

what's his name?

Any of the big investors on that show, or indeed any investors anywhere, podcast at rickyjavaise.com.

Get in touch.

Tell us how we can move forward with this brilliant new idea.

Pathetic.

Oh, Jim Buffy's gone and break it down.

The little

jingle that signifies another reading from Carl Pilkington's diary.

Got up and put the radio on.

I listened to the story that the vicar read on radio 2.

Yeah, that could be good.

He was saying how Jesus was 33

when he died.

I don't know why people want to stay looking young.

You can wear a bold head better if you're old because hairs are replaced by wrinkles.

That's drivel.

No, it's not drivel, it's pointless.

A pointless entry to a diary, that.

It's not, because that could be

an important bit bit in world history.

What?

The fact that

people, that someone's trying to make people not age.

Age is good, isn't it?

When you see an old person, listen going forever.

What has people trying to age better?

No, but he's talking about if you're 90, he wants people to look like they're 30.

And that's not good because how would the world run when that's going on?

Well, I agree.

But again, it's not a revelation.

If I like chatting to old people because they know a lot of stuff.

So if I'm sat on a train and someone's old, I'm happier talking to them about they get up and move after about ten minutes.

They have to stay there and listen to this one.

But yeah, even that, even that means that they're getting more out of life in a way because they don't move about as much, so they have more thinking time.

It is weird how that happens to you as you get closer to death.

Jesus.

You know, you're not working as much because you're resting and you can think back about your life and you can think, oh, I had a good one.

Actually, it's not been that bad.

Whereas if...

But you must have started that now because you've been doing nothing for the past three months, yeah.

But I'm just well, that's like I'm saying, it is a good thing for you to do to sort of think about what you've been doing with your days and your weeks.

And how do you assess your life so far?

With all this spare time you've had on your hands and moping around and moaning about your illness and just sitting around, right?

You've been introspecting, have you?

Yeah.

Go on then.

What have you come up with?

I haven't come up with anything.

I'm just,

you know, I have an alright life and things are changing.

Oh,

keep saying that.

No, but but you don't know how much they are changing.

To the point of, I don't know if I mentioned the squirrel eating Mars bars, but from that from from that happening to monkeys opening bottles with lids on them, to

j uh it's just it's it's mental out there.

It's madness what is going on.

And all I'm saying is old people need to be old people.

You need oldness.

You need to see old people.

You need to go, right, they might have a solution.

They've been on the earth longer.

Quick, we need an answer.

How old are you?

I'm thirty-two, or you look 78.

I don't know what you're saying.

I don't know who that conversation was with, why you got angry, and I think you made the opposite point that you were made at the beginning.

If you say you're thirty-two, you look 78.

No, you were saying about it'd be a problem if you were 78 and looked 32.

I don't know what you're saying.

You came down on the wrong side then.

You did that whole thing and you bollocksed it up again in your brain.

I'm just saying, either way, you need to have people who look old.

otherwise who's in charge

I don't know what you mean.

So you say even if so you're saying it'd be all right to make 78 year olds look 32 as long as there were some 32 year olds that looked 78 as long as you've got old looking people.

No, but say I tear this page out

because it's worthless.

What I mean is when I went to the doctors I saw the specialist about the kidney stones I was I was asking him all the straight questions is it life-threatening

you know how long am I going to be out Policy.

Right.

Now,

as it turned out, it is life-threatening, and you've been out for three months whinging about the fucking thing.

Strange.

Now, he was quite old.

He looked about 55.

And that reassured me in a way.

In a way, it didn't, because he's one of them doctors who didn't open his eyes much.

And I kind of thought, I hope you don't know what he's doing.

I don't know what you're talking about.

What do you mean?

What?

What do you mean he didn't open his eyes much?

One of those sort of doctors who's either that overworked, that he does that, you know, and he's like, he's tired, so he's going, right, what we're going to do is, and he's doing that with his eyes shut.

Well, this is radio.

I know, but I'm telling you, so you can see.

But people are meant to be listening to this.

But if they can't imagine me with my eyes shut, well, tell him you got your eyes shut.

Just say he had his eyes shut.

Yeah, he had his eyes shut.

Had he been reading this?

He's bored, stupid, I imagine.

He's just trying to get a.

But do you know what I mean?

Or I don't know if it's because he's tired or if he's that educated that some people know so much you don't even have to look at it.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Intelligent people are.

Who is so educated that they don't need to open their eyes?

You see it, you see the eyes.

Who's that blog of there?

Is he blind?

No, he's been reading too much.

He doesn't open his eyes anymore.

Doesn't he?

Old people who you see wearing tweed and what have you, and they're really posh and they talk, and whenever they talk, their eyes are shut.

I don't know what this observation is.

I don't understand why you've never seen that.

I've never seen an old educated man wearing tweed who doesn't bother to open his fucking eyes.

Steve, I don't know what you're talking about.

Steve, have you seen...

Do you know what I mean when people don't sort of open their eyes when they're talking to you?

And it can be quite annoying because it's likely saying, I'm not interested about you, sat there.

I'm not bothering if you're listening or not.

I'm saying what I'm saying because I say what I say.

And it can be quite annoying.

If he has got his eyes, because he's probably just trying to absorb what you're saying and think carefully about it so he doesn't miss dynamic.

No, no, I'm not having a go at it.

I was just saying he was 50-odd, and I was happy that he was there telling me.

I don't know why you were watching his eyes when he was telling you about your insides.

Because you can tell a lot by people's eyes.

That's what I said about jellyfish.

But, you know, just lines in a face tell a few stories, and I don't think we should get rid of them lines.

Brilliant.

Wise words.

Well, that's the end of show number four in this third series of the Ricky Gervais show.

So it's goodbye from me, Ricky Gervais.

Stephen Merchant.

Goodbye.

And of course, Carl Pilkington.

Bye.

Audible hopes you've enjoyed this program.