Guardian S3E5 (September 19, 2006)

This is Audible.

Well, here we are, number five in a series of six of the Ricky Devay Show with me, Ricky Devay, Stephen Murchett, and Carl Pilkington.

Well, Carl, you are officially a published author.

Your book came out, The World of Carl Pilkington,

And a copy will go in the British Library.

Will it?

Well, they have to take every rubbish.

I think it will go in the British Library lavatory.

It'll be in there

with a collection of novelty postcards and maybe a Viz Compendium.

You know.

Yeah, so they have to take everything.

Just think of that.

But is that a rule they set up when books were more important to people?

And now it's kind of like, oh, I wish we never said we'd do that.

Well, they have to add two miles miles of shelves every year, apparently.

That's what I mean.

Now, surely, you know, they change a lot of other rules, don't they?

They used to allow people having their head cut off.

And now they've gone, we shouldn't do that anymore.

So we'll sort that.

Why don't they just say, only so many books a year, make it in there?

Ones that are important to the future.

But who knows what's important to the future?

Well, you know, normally when I say something that I think is a good point,

you're always wrong.

No, no, no.

But what I mean is when I say something that I think I have got a point there.

Yeah, Yeah, but you're always wrong.

But why do they do this?

Why do they think they've got to keep everything?

Because it's we're living in a world now where everything is sort of binnable and you know we use stuff

for what it is.

Well that's that's no I think you could say that's fine that's fine.

There was a sort of poetry to it but I think he stumbled across that.

I don't think it was intentional.

Yeah I mean that's the haven got over last week him saying foodage.

Do you know what I mean though that the the world's changed so why is that rule still hanging around when well it's not a rule I mean it's not a rule that you know the the country's going to you know live and die by it's just that it is seen as a a repository for knowledge for information and i don't believe any old joe can wander in there and get one of these books i think you have to either be a scholar i think maybe it's open for a brief window for students but you know you can't you can just wander in there and see your own book carl you know there are some books that

they have to turn the page for you in gloves so your the amino acids

with yours it won't matter they just go it's over there or they'll throw it to you.

No, it's just like a little bit of a corner.

Well, they slide, they slide it along the floor.

They say, Oh, I can't give it to you, Carl, because it's popping up this desk.

Yeah, they'll kick it to you and say, Put it in the bog when you're finished with it.

It's just that thing of being timed, though.

I hate it when people go, Oh, have you read this?

And then I can't read it properly, I'm thinking, they're thinking I'm taking ages here.

Do you know what I mean?

So I have to scan read it.

And they go, Oh, it's good that.

And they go, What do you think?

And I go, About what?

So I hate the fact that someone stood there with gloves on, because that isn't normal, relaxing sort of reading.

But it's not, it's not, you don't go in to read the doomsday book, let's say, in order to just have a relaxing read.

You're going in there to study

histories.

Let's say they're professors and scholars and scientists and historians.

They don't wander in because it's raining and they go, What's a good read?

There's not a man wearing white gloves turning the pages of the latest Jackie Collins.

Exactly.

Do you have heat?

Watching your lips move as you read

as you turn the next page.

I suppose I shouldn't really feel guilty because at the end of the day,

people always rave about Shakespeare saying, oh, you know, his work was good.

But

at the same time, he'll probably put that on the book when he brings another one out here, put your review on it.

Oh, that was good.

Carl Pilkinton.

But at the same time, you know, like, some people will have a go.

I'm ready for people having a go, like that Wendy did about my little films are made.

There's always people.

Wendy Robinson.

Yeah, you know, their opinion.

For those of you who didn't hear last week, she slammed Carl.

No, well, you know, each to their own and that.

And, you know, if everyone liked the same thing, I don't know what we'd do.

Right?

Sure.

You don't know anything.

So, so, all I'm saying is, everybody raves about Shakespeare.

When

if you properly looked at what he did, he invented a lot of swearing words.

Right?

Effing and Jeffing and that.

Now, if that was one of his.

Well, it's Effing and Jeffing and Effing and Jeffing Part Two.

Did he make up a great deal of swear words?

I don't know that I'm aware of this.

A lot of them are Shakespeare invented.

But all I'm saying is, for some reason, when things are brought out years ago,

people say they're good even though they're not, is what I mean.

But let's let's not mistake the fact that Shakespeare is not he's not uh people seem to confuse him as though they think he's he's wrote these things in order to be read.

He wrote them to be performed, they're plays.

They're not books in the traditional sense.

He didn't bring out the latest book.

No, but just just when something's old, it gets a bit more respect, is what I mean.

When I was watching that documentary about the the real Indiana Jones, um

they dug out um some rocks with drawings on.

And they were like, oh, don't damage and don't mark the paint.

And it's like, it's rubbish.

It was like a stick fella with a yak.

Now, if that was found now, or if a kid showed me that, I'd go, it's not that good.

So, what I mean is because stuff's old.

Old stuff gets respect.

But you're not judging it on its aesthetic merits, you're judging it on its historical importance.

I don't think that's fair, though, because when that fella drew that, it wasn't old.

He did it when he was knocking about.

No, but

you must see the difference between you doing a uh a stick man on a wall with a bit of chalk near your local and uh a cave painting that that that they date to ten thousand years ago.

Yeah, so in ten thousand years' time, when they find my story about the monkey fireman, will it gain more respect then than it is now?

No, less.

But why is it?

Because people will more and more realise what a buffoon you are.

The more research we do, the more these podcasts we do, the more you expose yourself as an empty, egg-headed moron.

That's a friend speaking right there, Richard Gervase.

He loves you like a brother.

I just think you've mentioned him before, Steve, this Pepys fella.

Yes.

Has he done anything else apart from a diary?

Because now I've done now I've done a book and a diary.

That means you're better than Pepys, is what you're thinking.

Well, I'm not going to say that until I know, but what else did he do?

Well, Pepys wasn't a writer predominantly.

I believe he was, you you know, like a bureaucrat or something, but he kept a diary which has since become a historical landmark.

And what did he say in it?

What did he say in it?

Well, it's again more because it's both well written and it's also an amazing insight into the social document.

It's a social document.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a social document.

I mean, yours is a social document, but it sort of revolves around having egg and chips and a calf and seeing a ladybird, which, you know, but that's today's living.

That's the only thing that's happening.

Yes, but his describes the Great Fire of London, which is what it's mostly.

We haven't had one of them.

If we had one, I'd write it down.

I'm only writing what's happening.

The ladybird happened.

I wrote it down.

He was just lucky.

He was about in London when that happened.

So you're a little angered that you've not witnessed one of the great disasters?

Because the thing is, if they read your diary, they'd think, well, nothing happened that year.

Nothing important in the world happened that year.

Because your diary doesn't just mention...

I mean, okay, yes, it fails to mention any disasters in London because we haven't had any, but it doesn't mention any disas it doesn't ma mention any world events, it doesn't men mention wars in Iraq, terrorism, it doesn't mention anything.

But that's all been wrote about anyway.

If you're saying there's a museum that's keeping everything, there's loads of other books for that.

Who's looking at the fellow whose skulls fell off?

What?

We see.

It's interesting, isn't it?

What do you mean the fellow whose skulls fell off?

Well, that's what happened the other week, so I wrote about it.

What?

A fellow's skull has fell off.

What do you mean his skull has fell off?

Something to do with circulation.

But what do you mean his skull fell off?

Well, Well, it's in the diary.

How can a skull fall off?

Because it's surrounded by tissue and has got a brain.

How can just his skull,

how can it detach itself from all the stuff surrounding it?

He mislaid all his dreams.

But all I'm saying is

that's not getting a look in.

No, because it's not significant or probably true.

Good point, Steve.

I don't know.

I'll just consult the diary quickly and find the moment with the man whose skull fell off.

Oh, here we are, yeah.

looks like the world's fattest man is having an operation to get rid of some of the fat he has to have an iron bed because that's the only thing that can hold his weight there's also a man whose skull has fell out he's in hospital somewhere I hate that it would make me panic the hospital is busy with people coming in to look at their head what are you talking about there that tells us nothing right it's impossible for a skull to fall out how are scholars in 10,000 years going to be what are they going to decipher from that they can sort of there's not enough into detail but how did his skull fall out circulation problems but answer the question how did his skull fall out fall out of what

he was at home um

and i don't know if he was combing his hair or something but it it came off what did his skull

what do you mean his skull do you know what the skull is it's a part of the head well no it's the it's the structure of the head it's the bone do you mean the top of the skull this is only useful if you have all the salient facts Then it would be of interest to us.

We could.

Well,

I couldn't tap that on.

I'm busy.

I'm not going to start looking into stuff in depth.

Just get the details.

You're such an idiot.

You are the best

idiot in the world.

Well, I don't want to be premature, but that entry is followed by, I injured my toe the other day by dropping the toaster.

Instead of letting it hit the floor, I tried to catch it with my foot.

I didn't think I'd I'd done any harm, but my nail looks like it could fall off.

I might show it to the doctor when I get my kidney stones out.

We could easily get by without nails on the feet.

They are more trouble than they're worth.

You're so wrong.

You're so wrong.

I think on the days when cavemen without shoes and animals need nails, I don't think we need them now.

I honestly, because you hear about

ingrowing toenails, right?

So that's a problem.

You've got to cut them.

Stuff Stuff gets under there and gets infected.

Get rid of them.

You won't have any of that.

As long as you wear shoes.

No, you'd have unprotected toes and fingers, wouldn't you?

I didn't say on the fingers, just on the toes.

So why do you need them on the fingers and not the toes?

Because

you

use your hands to do stuff.

I've said about toenail out, it'd be good to have it growing on the head.

What?

Just having like a sheet of it, just like a nail on the forehead.

It wouldn't look weird because we'd all have it.

I'm not saying.

What are you talking about now?

I'm just saying

I don't don't want to go on about evolution stuff'cause we've done it all.

What do you think the skull is for?

No, but I mean on the outside so that when you bang your head it's a little bit more protection.

Like like people w I mean, you're looking at me like that, why do you wear a helmet on a bike then?

Because

the bike wasn't meant to be invented.

We weren't meant to whizz along at seventy miles an hour with evolution.

But because life's changing, like you've said, let's change it.

But you can't go, let's evolve, let's re-evolve.

Okay, let's assume we've got this nail on our head that's growing out of our forehead so we look like one big thumb yeah uh which weirdly carl kind of i mean you can almost imagine it looking at car now you can imagine a big nail does the nail continue to grow do we have to trim the head nail uh yeah in the same way you get haircut why is that preferable in your mind to just wearing a crash helmet in instances where you might have something hit your head

just because um for a start helmets you have to carry them around with you.

That's one thing that's put me off on the motorbike.

Whenever you see someone on a motorbike, it's all like the clothes you've got to wear.

And it's like a big upheaval, innit?

It's, you know, if you have a car, you can get in with your shorts on, your flip-flops on.

A motorbike,

it's like you're an astronaut or something, you're only nipping down the road for some milk.

Do you know what I mean?

So, get rid.

What I'm saying is, get rid of.

But does it annoy you having to put shoes on every day and underpants and a vest and a

I don't know?

No, but once they're on, I'm not carrying them.

They're on me.

If I had to then take the shorts off for whatever reason and walk around holding them, I'd go, I can't be be bothered.

I don't like holding a bag.

I don't like bags.

We carry too much around with us now.

I don't like carrying stuff.

It's just a hassle, isn't it?

It's just endless things he doesn't want to do.

He doesn't like doing it.

He doesn't like carrying bags.

Who the hell has a gripe about carrying bags?

Why is that a concern?

Because it's stuff that's on your bag.

I love the way that he wouldn't mind having a nail going out of his fucking head, but he doesn't want to carry a bag.

What's good with it is everybody's got one of these.

But it's not going to happen.

And the most important thing in your body, apart from the heart, is your brain.

So protect that, not the toes.

The toes we can get by without the toes.

But your head's important, and it there's a lot of stuff in your head.

And I know all this just after seeing the body works thing.

I went to see the

show on where there's a load of like dead bodies and that.

And

you can see how much stuff's in the body.

And there's loads of stuff.

There's nothing in there that you don't need.

It's all doing stuff.

Everything in your body.

We've been telling you that for years.

But you reckon they don't need the toenails.

Yeah, that's on the outside.

I'm saying everything that's on the inside of your body, right?

You don't need the appendix.

No, but it that doesn't that depend on what what lifestyle you have?

Well, it's uh it's a hangover of when we uh probably eat a lot more cellulose and it's it's yeah well they they might come back.

Things are always coming back, aren't they?

So if people start eating them again.

What about male nipples?

Uh sort of looks alright alright though, doesn't it?

Because the chest is quite plain, so with nothing on it, you'd go, what's this?

It just balances it out.

I think it looks alright, I think it works.

So leave it.

But what we were talking about.

But w wouldn't you rather have um maybe a little uh like a rib cage around the testicles?

Because you get a whack in them and it oh

um

yeah that's pretty good.

Um not an invention Carl.

It's not an invention and we can't do it but

but will you be able to sit down still?

'Cause that's the good thing with them at the moment, is movement.

So it sort of works.

But don't they say, um

you said something about testicles, the body works thing.

Well, they're on the outside.

Put yours away, Carl.

You're not what we exhibit.

Uh they're on the outside'cause they have to be a few degrees below body temperature for the I think the Satoni cells to to

So that's that's an odd design

that they had to go there'cause it is a daff it's a bit of an odd place to have them.

Where would you suggest?

Dangling from the throat?

Um sort of

I want to redesign you, right?

You you you can possibly do this now.

This is something you can actually do probably.

You could probably have your testicles anywhere.

So where would you want them?

You've got a giant forehead nail.

Yeah.

You could have that, it probably wouldn't grow, but we could certainly have that like I just mean like uh'cause if if all it's about about is temperature you don't want to get them too hot yeah well they're getting hot down there because you're wearing pants and what have you so have them nearer to the outside of the s of the body but they are near the outside of the body no but we wear pants over them so you wear pants over them because they're they're testicles and polite society suggests that you don't show your trousers yeah but that's the odd thing isn't it that's what's happened somehow that we've that we've said testicles shouldn't be seen well then just cut a hole a pair of hole in your trousers if it's only about you know keeping them cool and because they're too hot why don't you just hang them out your shorts?

Because there's too many sort of seats that are shared these days, isn't there?

But what I'm saying is.

Well, what are you saying?

Where would you put them?

Somewhere like

sort of under the ears.

So it sort of just looks like lobes.

So you would redesign your body to have a pair of testicles hanging from your ears.

And when people are sometimes talking, they do sort of mess with their ears and they're always saying check for lumps.

More handy.

Does the penis remain where it is a little bit?

I don't know if you're not where it is.

Yeah.

Well, I don't know about you, Rick, but I would love to see, perhaps on the web, you know, it's very easy to put stuff on web pages now, some kind of illustration, it could be computer-generated, it could be drawn by hand, of the new model Carl.

Bear in mind, people, that he's got some testicles underneath his ears.

And a big thumbnail on his forehead.

Big thumbnail on his forehead.

Talking to Carl, I want to see Carl's head everywhere.

It's the roundness that I like.

Okay, so do a viral campaign.

Anyone out there with a picture of Carl, just get it everywhere.

Because I want eventually everyone to, as they walk past him in the street, to shout, you shaved monkey, or look at that bald head, or look at fucking coconut face coming this way.

You've got a head like a fucking orange.

Went out the other night with the lads.

You know, there's a few of us, you know,

young, free, and single.

You used to look like the swingers.

Oh, it was pretty.

It looked like a boy band had gone out.

It looked like it looked like you know, N-Sync had hit the streets.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'd dressed up, topped up, out for a few drinks.

A friend of mine said, Let's go to a club.

I haven't been to a nightclub for a long time.

Actually, I haven't been.

Is that because your glasses steam up when you walk in out of the cold?

That is a problem in the winter.

I genuinely, it's not, it's very difficult to make a good impression when you, as you walk in, your glasses steam up straight away, and you know, you've got to take them off and clean them and stuff.

And then, you know, you get a bit.

And your wife fronts, you pull your wife on through the jeans, clean them on that.

Or the back of a girl's dress.

But we cruised down to the club, it's one of those big sort of super clubs, London super clubs.

Never been in one of those, the ministry, or any of those things, so it's all new.

And it's a bit of a queue.

I think it's a bit of a chore.

But we're queuing up, we're in good spirits, we're looking at it.

It sounds pretty funky.

We can hear the music coming out.

You know, I've been in the queue for quite a while, 20, 25 minutes.

Forget it.

25 minutes.

Well, yeah, we were pretty excited by this point.

The doorman says, hello, lads.

He said, yeah, we're coming, please.

He went, no, you're not.

He said, you're not coming in.

And he just immediately lifted a little rope and sent us away from the queue, right?

And we were slightly perplexed.

We were dumbfounded.

We didn't know what to do.

It was like this couldn't be happening.

It didn't make sense.

We just queued up what was going on.

And so

my friend said, well, we've got to find out why he's not going to let us in.

So he goes back over.

I told you you wanted to do.

You wanted to tie him up with logic.

That'll show a bouncer.

Exactly.

Yeah, show him how educated you are and how you can win an argument and make him look stupid.

You'll be in that club in no time.

That's what they appreciate.

They love us.

Because what they respect is being made to look like a fool.

Exactly.

So we went over and

they really look up to intellectuals.

Exactly.

Yeah.

So one of our mates goes over and he says, Why didn't you let us in?

And he went, Because you don't have any girls with you.

Now, I'll tell you this.

That's kicking you when you're down.

Because when you're out on a Saturday night trying to get into a club to meet women, and the reason you're not allowed to go in a club to meet women is because you haven't got any women with you, that's just salting the wound.

It's so humiliating.

So, um, a friend of mine says that there's a VIP entrance over there.

And there was like a woman with a clipboard, you know, the guest list,

separate entrance.

She said, you know, you've got a little bit of profile, Steve.

Why don't we try and use your little.

You've got your banner.

You've got your golden globe in your Emmy.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, I always

carry, you know, some of my cuttings with me.

Yeah.

And

so, and I felt a bit self-conscious about that.

I was thinking, I'm not into this, you know, it's a bit awkward.

But he said, look, don't worry, you just stand here.

Just stand here, just like you're having a conversation.

I'll go over, I'll say, I'll point him out, I'll go, oh, there's Steve Merchant over there, they'll look out of the office.

Oh, God, Steve!

So I thought, well, you know, well, but things, we were out, and I was a bit frustrated, and I thought, you know,

we may as well try everything.

So I stand there with my friend, goes, everyone has a word.

And he comes back and he says, it's fine.

She can't let us in the VIP entrance because she's not allowed.

But what she can do is walk us to the front of the queue.

Right?

You can walk in the front of the queue and explain.

So I think, okay, fine.

Oh, God.

So

the guy takes me and my mates, this girl, she takes us.

We walk past everyone else, right, to the front of the queue.

She goes up.

The guy, she says, this is Steam Argent Office.

The guy goes, I know who he is.

We're not letting him in.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

By now, of course, some people have recognised me, so they're trying to have my photo taken.

So there's people inside the line that's being allowed in the club.

I've got to lean across the rope to have my photo taken with them, even though I'm not allowed in the club.

So they go, Oh, all right, this is Steel.

They're having the photos taken, right?

Camera phones and that.

They're going into the club where the music, the party's kicking off.

I'm outside waiting for the next chump who wants to have his photo taken.

I mean, it was mental.

So that's unbelievable.

I was furious.

And then one guy, I remember he was chatting, and he goes, oh, yeah, brilliant.

I love the podcast and all that stuff.

I love it.

Is Carl with you?

I said, oh, Carl's not here.

And his girlfriend, his girlfriend was with me.

She went, who's that?

And he went, oh, it's just emotionally does the office he does sort of thing.

And she went, who cares?

Who are you, Bruce Forsyth?

And it's that thing when suddenly I'm being humiliated and embarrassed by someone's girlfriend.

I never asked for that.

I never asked for her opinion on me.

I'm sorry if I don't impress you, if I'm not sufficiently famous for you, but it's not my fault.

It's your boyfriend who brought it up.

It was like I got over to her and tried to show off, and she was annoyed.

So by now, I was just furious.

So I thought, forget this.

Well, I was walking down the street, and there's a group of

builders

sitting down over a cup of tea.

One of them goes, all right, Rick.

I went, all right, mate.

The other one went, not as fat as on Telly.

I went, oh, thanks.

Not as fat as telly so he went with well you are fat but you look even fatter on telly he didn't say oh god you don't look fat at all or oh you look you look you look you look big on telly but you don't look just went with not as fat as on telly and there's nothing I could say but cheers mate now when you said cheers mate because you did you say that because you were because I'd say cheersmate because I'd be a little bit scared of them.

No, I was like

a slight sarcasm and you know I laughed after.

So you can get away with sarcasm with working-class blokes aren't you?

I'm a little bit more secure with a working-class man than you, aren't I?

I'm terrified of them.

I feel like they're going to turn on me at any minute.

You don't feel confident sort of backing in a lorry driver.

Terrified.

Oh, right.

Because if I did,

he'd probably lean out and just go, go and get your dad, mate.

Yeah, not you.

Fuck off.

I'm not in your mind.

Not you.

Yeah.

So the final stab is: this guy says, There's a party I know of going on, right?

Oh, blinking.

So we go into this party.

As we're getting there, as we're about to go in, he goes, Now, you know, it's a singles party.

I thought, oh, what?

He says, you know, it's a singles party.

Oh, God.

So I go in this party.

It's right.

It's all single people, right?

Now, theoretically, that should be brilliant, right?

If you're a singleton yourself, it's the worst kind of party to go to.

Because when you normally go to a party, right, and you're chatting to a girl and she says,

oh, I've got to go and get a drink or whatever, you think, oh, she's probably got a boyfriend or whatever, or she, you know, she's with mates.

That's fair enough.

But when you're at a singles party and a woman says, I'm just going to go and get a drink, and then you just see her leaving,

you realise it's not because she's got a boyfriend or whatever, it's just because she doesn't want to talk to you.

You can't even kid yourself.

You can't even pretend.

And you suddenly sense everyone judging everyone else.

So you see a girl and she'll look at you, look at you up and down and then ignore you and walk on.

And it's just like a massive slap in the face.

It's like girls coming up to you and going, not interested.

Just by being there, they don't have to say anything and they're rejecting you.

And so um so generally, anyway my friend one of my friends has been reading this book, The Game, right, by this guy called Neil Strauss, which is sweeping a certain part of the population because it is one of those books written on how to meet women and seduce women, right?

And this is guy called Nilstrauss, who infiltrated a sort of secret organization in America of blokes who've got all these various seducing techniques, right?

And one of the techniques which we've been discussing is something called negging, where if you see a very attractive woman, the theory is that she's getting asked that all the time by blokes, right?

They're always coming up and saying, oh, you're really beautiful, can I buy you a drink?

And that what you have to do to set yourself away from the pack is to sort of not be so obviously complimentary.

So you come up and you almost sort of pay her a back-handed compliment, or you almost neg, as they say, say something slightly negative.

So, what you might say is you might go to her and say, Oh, I like your shoes.

I've seen another girl wearing them in the club, right?

And the theory is that she's sort of all and she's a bit taken aback, she's a bit sort of thrown off.

And then, of course, you start complimenting her and you start building her back up again.

It's very elaborate mind games.

I'm not saying it's a good idea, but we've been talking about the neg.

And I was chatting to a girl, and I was a little bit drunk, and I wasn't thinking it through, and I thought about the neg because it wasn't going very well.

But I don't think you should say to a girl,

I think your ears are a bit too big for your head.

Because, like, you know what I mean?

It's like you can't come back from that,

and it's there's nowhere else to go, because that really is just an insult.

Oh,

he's only gone and listened it down to little fucking card!

I'm gonna kill him!

That jingle, of course, signifying yet another reading from Carl Pilkington's diary, as always packed with rich insight into the man's mind.

Had a late night last night, because I stayed up to watch a programme about monkeys.

It's already good,

it's already good.

Now before I read on, I mean, is this not some kind of monkey news?

Is this not a late return to monkey news?

Well, it's not it's not that good.

Is it not?

Whereas the other monkey news is.

Oh, chimpanzee, that is is some more shit.

This is what he says.

This is what he gleaned from the programme about monkeys.

It sat on a bridge and wanted stuff off people to walk over the bridge.

What?

So it was acting as some kind of toll booth.

This is ridiculous.

No, it was a bridge in the jungle.

Oh, shut the fuck up.

And it's a monkey that sat on a bridge and a lot of tourists go through the area.

No, it's a monkey

who realised that if he sits there, it gets stuff because it looked like it's a cute little chimp begging.

No, but every time.

Yeah, because you give a monkey,

oh, I'm as bad as him now.

If you give a chimpanzee a banana

and he starts realising that humans have things to give,

squirrels learn that.

I mean, you don't go, oh, you wouldn't say, oh, went to the park, the squirrel's waiting at the gate.

You have to give them a toll to go in.

They're not only going to give him a banana, they come up to you every time.

You fucking idiot.

Went to bed after watching it and fell asleep thinking about it on the bridge right now.

It's a bit bad, really, because the monkey should work harder for its food.

It made me remember the slug I saw yesterday that was eating bird poo.

Nobody would ever help a slug with food like they do with ducks and monkeys.

A slug's life is pretty bad.

The only time they come out of their den is when it's raining.

Den.

So even their days out are depressing.

Do you know what I mean?

No.

It is like...

It's a horrible thing to be in it.

A slug.

Love him talking about what it is like to be a slug.

No, just because like, the monkey, even though it's been quite aggressive, everyone was like, oh, give it some water.

And it was well kitted out.

It had, like, you know, chocolate bars, bottled water, some, like, you know, fizzy stuff, and all that.

And I party was listening to monkey news.

He could have had one if he wanted one.

It was getting away with murder on that bridge.

And that's just because it was furry.

Yeah, if that was like a blob, like a slug, there's no way people would be that friendly towards it.

And it just annoys me how you get this pecking order for, like, no matter what creature you are, favouritism.

And that slug was only eating that bird poo because it wasn't being offered stuff.

If it was offered toffies or whatever.

Well, it's just sad, isn't it?

It's come to that.

That's where its life has come to.

Yeah, but it's not as mollusk burns down on its fucking life.

It didn't live in a mid-country house, and his wife left the kids when he started hitting the bottle.

And I kind of thought, and look, they do only come out in the rain, and it's depressing, and it'll probably get killed in a bit.

And that was its last meal.

I just.

Last meal!

People prefer steak and chips, Carl.

It doesn't.

It must like a leaf or a.

You know, at the end of the day, it's an insect.

They love it.

It's not an insect.

Well, it's part of that gang.

It's part of that.

No, it's part of that gang.

They hang out together.

They hang out together.

Why do you think it's part of that gang?

Because it knocks about in the woods in the same place as a spider does.

But

what I'm saying is, they're eating boring stuff because that is what's

not boring stuff to them.

They're not.

I have no opinion of it at all.

They take in sustenance.

No, but where you are is what you eat.

When I'm in London, I'll have beans on toast for lunch.

On holiday, what?

Tap ask, go on, I'll have a bit.

So it's whatever you eat, what's in that area.

Suzanne went off to work, and I went to the shop to buy some envelopes.

The shop was empty, but the fellow behind the counter was on the phone and just kept talking, even though he could see I was waiting.

I started to count backwards from 20.

When I got to six, he hung up and served me.

I won't use the shop again.

Question, why count backwards from 20?

So he's thinking, what's going to happen at one?

If I start counting from one, he's going, well, let him carry on.

What, out loud?

Not really loud, but like more of a mouth action, so he could see who was doing it.

You know what I mean?

Sorry,

you just started miming, counting backwards to a man in a shop.

He's on the phone.

The shop is empty.

I thought he'd like me custom.

He could have served me and stay on the phone.

Even though I don't like that, at least he's still doing what he needs to do.

I'd have said, sorry, can I just get these, please?

Yeah.

Well, I stood there and I thought, it's annoying me now.

My kidney's aching, and I started to get a bit of a sweat on.

So I thought, right, I'm going to give him 20 seconds.

And if he hasn't got off the phone, I'm leaving.

And

when I got to about six, he served me.

What's wrong with that?

Again,

it's the strangest people.

It's just giving yourself a thing.

I could have been stood there for ages.

He's one of the strangest people who's free to walk.

Yeah, it's about streets.

No, I set myself a little target and I thought, I don't want to waste another 30 seconds in here.

I'll give him 20.

It worked.

He had served me at 6.

But it didn't work.

Yeah, but did he do it because you were doing that, or did he finish his phone phone call?

I don't know.

I was busy counting.

Looked at what's been going on in the world.

There was a human head attached to a seagull's body in a jar.

Is that all it says?

This is the sort of weird stuff that goes on behind surgery doors.

I doubt it ever flew because the head would have been too heavy.

Well, of course it wasn't written.

It didn't happen.

It wasn't live.

No, but they try this stuff, don't they?

That's like that programme I watched with a walkie-what.

Who has ever tried to put a human head on a seagull's body?

They've done loads of stuff like that.

It's part of us moving on, isn't it?

What are you talking about?

I'm not going to get into arguing about seafood.

Why are you richers?

It's all dying.

How do you think we can change a heart now from another body?

You have to try things out.

It's trial and error.

All sorts of weird stuff goes on in hospitals, but we let it happen because it's to help us out in the long run, isn't it?

But what are they aiming towards when they're going to find out if you can put a head on a seagull's body?

What do they want to learn, and

how do they want to apply that knowledge?

A new heart, it is obviously for a reason, it saves a life.

What is this to save money on transport?

Instead of getting a bus pass, you go,

can I just put a head on the seagull's body?

I go, well, it won't work.

Well, try it.

Yeah, but there is odd things like that.

Like

I saw a fish the other day, right?

And honestly, it's the weirdest thing.

It was just like a blob with a face.

Now, I would never have said, yeah, let that swim about.

I'd have killed it from day dot.

I would have gone get rid of it.

Oh, God.

Under what circumstances would you have killed that from day dot?

Oh, I'm just saying, looking at it, I'd say that does not work.

And it looked sad, it looked like it didn't want to be about.

Have you got her number?

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Well, that's it for another week.

Um the end of uh episode five.

One more to go in this series of six with the Ricky Gervais show.

Um we'd love you to uh buy Carl's book because it is genuinely it is genuinely interesting and funny as a as a you know just as a social experiment to see that uh you know proved Carl's theory wrong that a monkey can write a book.

Um so uh spy from me, Ricky Gervais.

Goodbye from Steve Murchin.

Goodbye.

And goodbye from the little shaven monkey that is Carl Pilkington.

Audible hopes you've enjoyed this programme.