A Human Moment: Friday, November 22nd, 2024

Good morning, Millennials.

Welcome back to the toast and happy Friday.

I could sing, but I won't, because I value my business.

What do you mean?

Our business is singing?

It's Friday.

Oh, you could sing a different song?

I could, but there's really no other song worth singing on a day such as today.

I feel like there are songs that would capture the moment.

Beautifully.

I'm feeling so conflicted about this.

Celebrate, good times, come on.

Let's celebrate.

Now, I'm feeling conflicted because obviously, like, you never want to be ungrateful for a Friday, right?

But,

but literally, I'm sleeping and I wake up and it's Saturday.

Like, I spent the first 20 minutes of today thinking it was Saturday.

You were unproperly oriented.

And I actually could cry, like, how upset I am.

Like, it's really crazy how it fucked me up.

I'm really sorry to hear that.

I've been there before.

I actually think I was experiencing this last week where it was a Friday and I was like, I know I'm supposed to be grateful, but like I'm

screaming at you to be grateful.

I'm improperly oriented and like, that's not my fault.

And it seems like we just need to have orientation, you know?

Today's orientation because it's Friday and I do feel like we're missing, you know, one day we're going to look back on this day and be like, we didn't even appreciate that we were, it was Friday.

I know, I guess because like Next weekend is like the longest weekend ever with Thanksgiving and I'm so excited for it.

So maybe it's like

this little weekend today.

So also it's like one day we'll look back on this Friday and wish we appreciated it.

Technically that would be on Monday.

That will feel that way, but like Monday of next week is a Thursday.

Okay, it's also really important to know like one day we will look back on today and this is totally separate, but we're going to be like, oh my God, we were so skinny.

And like I'm just sitting here thinking like how fat I am.

So that's important.

That's true.

That's important too.

That's what we call here at the toast perspective.

That's so true.

It's always remember, it's always good to remember that.

Like you can be bigger and you probably will be bigger.

No, no, no.

Not only that, but like your current body that you hate is also future you's goal body.

It's so true.

It's so true.

I just, okay, so like I was just looking at pictures from our Utah trip last year and that was like right after I got off of Ozempic and I went on like a little bit of like, not a bender, but I like treated myself for like a month and I didn't weigh myself.

And then I had weighed myself and I had gained four pounds and I was so upset.

I was like, everybody's looking.

They can see the four pounds on me.

And I just remember like hating my body and I just was looking at a video of me singing to the kids um in Utah and I'm perfect looking like I'm so mad and I didn't even enjoy it it's true oh my god so that's just womanhood that is womanhood enjoy today

nay it's personhood enjoy what we have and

it is true that this is like our last full week until two weeks from now, but we have so much good.

So this is our last full week tomorrow.

We have so much goodness coming up.

Like so much goodness on the horizon and it's Friday.

Like we don't even have to convince ourselves.

Like, next week is the best week of the year.

It's the best week of the year.

I'm seeing Wicked.

I'm seeing the Thanksgiving Day parade.

I'm so excited for my Thanksgiving plans, even though we're not spending Thanksgiving together.

And you would think, like, oh, it's the best week of the year.

The following week's going to be hard because it's not the best week of the year.

But the next week, we're together.

It's Gizno in Hollywood, Florida.

We're performing at the Hard Rock Seminole Casino Stadium, not Stadium, Arena, and it's going to be amazing.

You know, we haven't really bragged about it yet.

And that's going to be annoying, But if there's like a toaster in your life, I feel like this time of year, like to get your friend like toasty, something toast-related for Christmas, we actually have a lot of options.

Obviously, merch is always good.

But tickets to Gizno, that's a great gift if you're in the Florida area.

A Patreon gift card, you can buy someone a month of Patreon, an annual gift card of Patreon.

You save 10% when you buy the annual one.

Like there's a lot of toast-related gifts out there, not to be like self-promo, but you know, this is a business.

Sorry.

Also, if you don't live in the area, like might we suggest a girly swirly weekend to come to Gizno because the hotel

that we're performing at is so cool and it's a guitar it's shaped like a guitar there is a casino restaurants like you're it's Florida in December part delicious weather like come on down I already came up with my Instagram caption for like the picture I take I heard yeah because I was thinking um one of my favorite Taylor lyrics like to ruminate on these days is lost the game of chance what are the chances and I'm like oh that's actually a good caption for like a swirly who goes to Vegas and I put it on my Instagram I was like listen I can't go to Vegas anytime soon I'm not gonna be be in like partying it up at a casino.

So if one of you wants this caption, you can have it.

And then everybody was like, Turdy, Jizno was at a casino.

And I totally forgot.

So take it back.

You can't use my caption.

That's what I'm using.

Yeah.

I'm going to be using,

I don't know, something about the jizz.

There's so many.

Something about the jizz.

I think you got a little jizz on your leg.

That's a good caption.

I got a little jizz in my heart.

Yeah.

Jackie jizzed all over my heart.

Right?

And we're going to jizz all over your hearts at Jizno.

Holiday spectacular.

It's going to be a jizz fest.

If we ever do like a show with an opener or something, like more than one performer, it'll be jizz fest.

We'll just make Margo or Olivia come out and like talk for five minutes so we can call it jizz fest.

So Jizno Holiday Spectacular, December 8th, Hardback Casino, get your tickets.

You are not going to want to miss this.

It's kind of like the talk of the town.

I'm also really excited to come stay at your house because I know you've been shopping a lot at home goods and I feel like there's new things waiting for me.

Like different

just like activities.

I'm just excited.

And I know you got a cold plunge and I was so excited about that.

That's the big major update: is that I got a cold plunge because, as I told you, I'm working on like my garden.

I'm doing like a Zen garden, and I've got a cold plunge from Sun Home Saunas.

And I'm so excited because our husbands and you, but I guess you'll be taking a break from plunging.

But, like, oh, can you not?

I mean, you probably could, but like, no, I don't even like it when I'm not pregnant.

Right.

I don't want, like, it's not for me.

Ben is obsessed.

Our husbands are obsessed.

I actually like got it as a gift for my husband and for myself, but I could like pretend to be selfless.

Sun Home Samas have the best cold plunges.

They also have saunas.

And so now I'm like, I would assume.

Do I need a sauna?

I would assume that Sun Home Sauna also makes saunas.

Yeah.

No, they're the best in class.

They actually gave me a code to share with everyone.

Code is the toast for $300 off.

If you want to gift someone a sauna or a cold plunge this holiday season.

I feel like you reach a certain level in like your content creator career when you get a cold plunge in your house.

Like it's giving the ball sticks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got to put like my hair.

Shiner has one.

My hair up in my claw clip.

Just do like a morning plunge.

By the way, it's really a great way to start your day.

I actually asked Dr.

Fox about it.

Like what, what he thinks of like the science behind it.

He said, personally, that's not something he engages in, but he understands like, you know, the benefits.

And Ben was like really trying to get him.

I'm like, Ben, he's a doctor, please.

Like, Ben was like, no, no, you got to try it, Dr.

Fox.

No, the benefits are just like, they're so obvious, you know, like it's just an obvious.

good thing for your body like the the natural adrenaline all of it so i'm really looking forward i'm kind of like maybe gonna be a new person once i start like my daily plunge before the toast Yeah, once she gets her garden up and running, her cold plunge and her sauna set up, it is over for you bitches.

But the thing is, like the cold plunge is right around the corner.

We just have to like plug it in.

The garden, like, okay, we're not going to have fresh herbs for a while.

Okay.

It's, it's, it's moving slowly.

That's actually really.

But the plunge is here and I'm going to have it plugged in for Ben for when he comes.

It's not very clean of you.

You're not having serving your family fresh herbs.

So here's the thing.

It's not even about cleanliness.

The store-bought herbs are fine.

The issue is when I buy herbs, I don't use them and they go bad.

And when I need herbs, I don't have herbs.

So I do need herbs off the vine.

I just do.

I have a problem with herbs.

I'm glad we brought this up because Ben loves herbs.

Like he is always buying.

And he goes to the grocery store and he puts them all in one, like, you know, of the plastic bags.

And if I'm ever using herbs, which I'm not, so this problem doesn't happen to me a lot.

how one is supposed to differentiate one herb from another when they're not in packaging or anything.

They're just all thrown in a bag.

That's why if you have a little garden and you could put like little signs like where you put the leaves, that actually I understand because all herbs look the same.

Like you want to tell me you know the difference between rosemary and thyme?

No, you don't.

Well, there's two ways to know.

One, you could smell them.

I wouldn't know the difference.

Smell check.

Also, my grocery store like has a bundle of herbs that you could buy or you could buy like a little package.

Yeah, but the package, like that's really not fresh.

Oh, you think?

No, I think it's fresh.

They go bad in like two seconds.

And then also, it's like, if you really want to preserve your herbs, like put them in a sealed container i get targeted with that guy do you ever see that guy on instagram he's like here's how to store your herbs and then like how to take one herb plant it in a little i do not plant it in a little planter and you could have rosemary forever no i've never seen him yeah i'm always like saving his videos let me ask me how many times i've gone to him never yet to never return um you know what i think of when i think of like the classic herbs

i i wonder if you're gonna guess i feel like you're not um like somebody from our childhood the classic herbs

like when you think think of parsley, sage, rosemary.

And that when I think of parsley, I think of Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift.

No, one of the songs we learned to play, like at the Jaggie and I were in piano lessons, like from the day we were born, like till we were 16.

Like seriously, some of the worst days of my life.

And the classic song, I feel like we all learned it at first, was Scarborough Fair.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?

Parsley, sage, rosemary in time?

She was a true love of mine.

Are you familiar with the Scarborough Fair?

I'm familiar with the first lyric.

The rest is like totally you experience.

That's not like, I'm not like, oh yeah, I remember.

Let's see if I just made that up.

No, no, you didn't make it up.

But the reason why I think that resonates more with you is I think we learned that on the guitar and you took more guitar lessons than I did.

Because I remember our guitar teacher singing Scarborough Fair because our piano teacher wasn't singing.

And by the way, do you know that Scarborough Fair

is a traditional English ballad?

It's like what they used to sing like on a boat, you know, like a sea shanty.

A sea shanty.

Oh man, I know a sea shanty.

I'm literally so cultured.

That is seriously so funny, and I can see our guitar teacher singing that song.

Okay, and I also got the wrong words wrong.

Where are you going to Scarborough Fair?

Savory sage, Jaggie, savory sage, rosemary in time.

Mine was better, parsley sage.

Yeah, throw an extra herb.

But the thing about sea shanties is that they evolve, right?

Yeah, yeah.

They're kind of like

their spoken word.

It changes.

Spoken word.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you want to know?

I did something crazy last night.

Crack?

Actually, crazier.

Meth.

I feel like when I watch something really random on TV, that's like you never would expect me to watch.

The craziest thing she can do.

Seriously, so crazy.

You want to know what I watched last night?

Porn.

Kind of close.

Tell me, Las.

No, I watched the Ashley Madison documentary.

Have you heard?

Very close.

Have you heard about it?

I have.

I've almost started it on Netflix a couple of times, but it's a tough sell to Ben.

He's like, what?

No, no, no.

Like, don't watch it with your husband.

It would be like weird to do that because give him ideas.

It's like kind of, because in the beginning, they're like making the case that like infidelity is, it's just nothing.

It'll save your relationship.

And then actually, it's good for them to watch because they could see how like you'll regret the day you ever did.

But

I'm actually, I'm almost through with the third and final episode and I'm really enjoying it.

I remember when it happened and it was a big deal, but like it was the biggest deal.

And also, who do you think of when you think of the Ashley Madison scandal?

Like, who's the person that comes to mind?

Kristen Takeman.

100%.

And I'm like, they keep talking about how like, oh, celebrities and powerful people.

By the way, that was the craziest part, people sifting through the clients.

Claudia, there are a couple other names that they shared that I didn't remember.

Hit me.

Snookie's husband.

Okay, so I actually knew that and I was not going to share it because I love Snookie and like I think she has a good marriage and whatever like whatever they do behind closed doors is none of my business So I was gonna say that but I didn't want to love her all I ride for her They're telling the perspective of like this Christian youtuber who like his whole career was taken down because he was on Ashley Madison and when he was first exposed he told his wife like I signed up I never met anyone.

I never did anything.

It was just like a curiosity and that's like why my email is there and like she forgave him really quickly and then it turns out like that's not what

I don't know.

I haven't gotten to the part where they tell us like what he actually did, but I think it's like crazy.

And so I think that actually might have been what happened with Snookie's husband where like maybe like they were advertising everywhere like curiosity

and that like I could see that being a for a forgivable offense another name who else Hunter Biden

I feel like on the list of things, it's like really not a big deal.

Like I saw a video of him with like a gun and like a crackdown.

Like it was, I was obsessed with him.

And a booty hole.

Got a party.

Got a party with Hunter.

Like to me, that's honestly like one of the more normal things.

No, I know, but for me, like Josh Takeman will never disassociate from Ashley Madison.

And like, the fact that Hunter Biden sort of like eclipsed.

Well, maybe if Josh Takeman was like doing crack with prostitutes and like holding guns at the same time, that wouldn't be the craziest thing that he's ever done.

But like, it's the crazy, he was also just like a family man.

Like, it was, and she was on TV at that time.

Um,

so I understand why he got more flack than Hunter Biden.

Honestly, like, I do understand

for the whole thing.

For the entire thing.

37 million users, and I only remember Kristen Takeman's husband.

Oh my God, that's like actually not funny.

They had like little kids, but they're still together though, yeah.

Anyone else?

I actually don't know.

I don't think so.

Those were like the names that I knew.

And then there were some people, someone was like a state prosecutor.

There were 15 million.mil and dot gov email addresses.

Wait, what's stop mil?

Military like members and then also

government workers.

What about.edu?

Like professor.

Well, there's one professor who's like story they're telling and before he even told his wife he committed suicide.

Oi.

Yeah.

I don't even know what like what he did on there.

Oh, he was not only a professor.

He was like a deacon.

He was in like a ministry.

They are still married, Josh and Kristen Tinkman.

He was very handsome.

So also, I want to know, like, did they ever, maybe it's in the documentary.

I haven't gotten there.

Did they ever find out who hacked it?

Because the hackers, like, they hacked it and then they told the company, like, they didn't, they told the company privately, like,

if you don't end this site, I will release all this data.

They had 30 days to end the site, but the founder would not.

He wanted to take the company public.

He was like,

they were very like mission-oriented.

And the mission of the website was for just consenting adults to begin affairs.

It was all married people, married men and married women.

But it wasn't swingers.

It was to have affairs.

To have affairs, like really just like physical, sexual, like people who don't want to leave, leave their wise, they just want like something on the side.

Sex.

Yeah.

It's not so bad.

No, it's they make you feel that way when they're like, they're like, life's short.

Have an affair.

Right.

But no.

And I'm now coming to the crux of it.

So I'm really curious if they ever found out who did it.

I'll find out later tonight.

That does sound good.

If you didn't just spoil the whole thing for me, like actually I would watch it.

Because I didn't know like the details and even the rollout.

At first, it was like the whole world was waiting to see if they would drop the database.

They knew it was hacked.

They knew they were threatening it.

And then.

Oh my God.

Those like couple of days where Josh Takeman was like waiting for his email to drop.

Like I'm sure where some of the darkest stuff is like.

and so first they drop like the email addresses so like if you had an account like you had to tell your partner but you could say like that youtuber did like I just had an account but I never did anything then they drop like photos and the founder's email and then I think after that they drop like people's like messages and connections

just nightmare

yikes oh my god that sounds good it was good it was exactly like what I was just looking for something like that was like our version of like WikiLeaks you know yeah

Like reality stars and their husbands on AshleyMadison.com.

So crazy.

What a crazy time.

It was like kind of right before our time.

Right before.

I actually remember I was in high school when it happened because that was when Kristen Takeman was on.

I don't think she was on this.

No, she was in New York.

I don't think she was in the middle of the year.

I think it was 2015 or 2015.

I think it was before or after her tenure.

I think it was after.

She never like addressed it on the show.

Ashley,

I don't think so.

Missed opportunity.

2015.

So you were in college.

I was in college.

Yeah.

Okay.

I never mind.

And was she on the show?

I don't know.

It's Friday.

We also have Queenie and Weenie.

Did you, were you able to come up with Queenie and Weenie?

Easily.

How about you?

Me too.

Me too.

Like super easily.

Obviously, Weenie came to me in my sleep

overnight.

Oh, you did?

Actually, my Weenie is like a, is multiple people, but like from the same organization.

No CMAs.

No, actually.

Oh, really?

they were like you know they were contenders but no they're contenders for me it'll be a last minute you know winner by a hair yeah what you feel in 30 40 minutes and maybe someone will come up today

actually someone might come up today in our first story do we have a story about mark ruffalo no

do we are we supposed to No, but if someone's coming up as a weenie, the odds are it's Mark Ruffalo.

No, he's like an emergency lever.

When all else fails,

on a downwind.

Mark Ruffalo.

Yeah.

I'm ready to dive in if you are.

As am I.

Without further ado, to do to do, here are the Fast Five stories that you need to know.

And the Fast Five stories that you need to know are brought to you by a new sponsor, technically, but not a new brand in Jackie and I's Rolodex.

Jackie, do you know who today's lead sponsor is?

ColorWow.

Like, seriously, Jackie and I have such a long history with ColorWow.

One time, a ColorWow spokesperson, Chris Appleton, came on the toast and Jackie and I had some of the ugliest hair on the planet.

And he like literally read us to filth filth and gave us a couple of tips.

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Today's episode is also brought to you by Quince.

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Thank you, Turk.

You had a welcome.

Our first story, I know you're going to be excited to talk about this because the wicked promo is continuing and Ari and Cynthia have hit a bit of a snag.

Some people are calling out.

Actually, one ex-user called this out.

It's really taking the internet by storm because they sat down for an interview and people have been left baffled by a bizarrely emotional exchange between Cynthia Rivo and the reporter.

So this is what was said.

I'll do my best to make it make sense.

No, you can't.

Yeah.

Because it doesn't.

So they

were in an interview and the reporter says this to

Cynthia about defying gravity.

Hold on.

She said, I've seen this week people are taking the lyrics of defying gravity and really holding space with that and feeling power in that.

And then Cynthia said, and then there's like this chill in the room and it's silent.

And Cynthia literally, she actually clutches.

She puts her hand to her chest and she said, and she is just seriously bereft.

I don't even know what the word is.

She can't even speak.

Like she actually has a tremor in her voice and she's like,

I didn't know that was happening.

And she, what was happening?

Interviewer goes, I've seen it, yeah.

And Cynthia said, that's really powerful.

That's what I wanted.

So just to go back.

That's not what she said.

Jackie, that's not what she said.

She said this.

That's really powerful.

Is she British?

I guess so.

Yeah, she is, right?

That's really powerful.

And then she goes, seriously, like she's on like a three-year-old.

That's exactly what I wanted.

And just to go back to what exactly what she meant, I'm just going to read the original line.

Yeah.

Right.

I've seen this week people are taking the lyrics of defying gravity and really holding space with that and feeling power in that.

And so then a person on X clipped this and said, I'm completely mesmerized by this clip.

It's almost like they are speaking a language I don't understand.

I can't catch the sense of it for a single moment.

I'm not understanding the words or the feelings or the energy at all.

It's amazing.

Like, yes,

what

did you, what is what you wanted?

No, no.

There is no verb, like, there's no action in what the interview said.

Holding, and by the way, it's so important to know, Defying Gravity is a song sung by a witch who's like escaping on her broom.

Like, it's not a relatable song.

Like, I seriously.

Theater people, and this is really for me emblematic of how insufferable theater people are and how seriously they take themselves.

And I'm actually getting annoyed because this is really making me like hate the movie.

And I'm sorry, Ariana's guilty too.

Like the both of them, like the level of

crutching, holding their hand, clutching.

And it's like the 10th interview where they've cried.

Like, and they have not once, in my opinion, cried over something that was worth crying over.

Like,

I actually am getting annoyed with these two.

Yeah, I can't watch the interviews.

It's, it's like way too emotional over, like, it's a movie.

Like, come on.

About a witch.

Come on.

She was a witch.

Her sister was a witch.

But What I like about this, it's like, I feel like she actually asked that or said that statement to like the perfect person.

Cause imagine if you said that to someone that was like, me?

What?

No, imagine like you seriously said to, oh, Brian Cox,

the dad from Succession.

Brian, I see that people are taking a lot of the lines from the final episode of Succession and holding space for them.

With that.

And feeling power.

And finding power.

He would literally be like, fuck off.

Like,

I actually can't.

And I think that it's reflective of the culture of like theater kids and how seriously they take themselves.

And, like, at the end of the day, it's really, and I'm so excited for the movie.

I've heard it is incredible.

It's really, really, really, really like of the utmost importance that we all just collectively take a minute to remember that, like, this is a fake, fictional movie that takes place in a fictional land.

And it has like little people and witches.

Like, it's not real.

Yeah.

And I think it's good.

Like, I see that this is a referendum on theater kids, kids, but for me, like it's a referendum on the way that we speak and things have gotten to a tipping point.

Like this is the ultimate word salad.

And I feel like people have been getting away with saying things like that that don't mean anything.

And we're calling it out.

And I like that.

And I think we need more of that.

I like that too, because that is what you've been saying for a while.

Like the way people talk has completely lost its meaning and it's just like words, word salads.

And these words don't even, like these phrases holding space.

And we've been like making fun of holding space for so long and like now i'm trying to like now you guys see why because it's a meaningless phrase

that's taking the meaning out of language

and i actually think that these two with their like insane marketing

are actually starting to negatively impact the film yeah and i i started to feel that like a week ago um but this really obviously crosses a new line for me a boundary that i just i i personally can't get past but i think that it would be in the best interest of the film and the budget and the movie ratings if everybody just went home now.

Yeah, but you know what?

It's like, it's crazy.

We'll look back on this as like this marketing period.

It's like kind of like Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga pretending they're in love.

Or like when two people fall in love on the set of a movie, like that, they, you know, market that.

This is some sort of like press strategy for the movie, like marketing this like best friendship, like, but to an emotional, like insane degree.

Yeah.

And I think for in the beginning, it was really strong because like it's really like when two main characters are like in the relationship from a movie and it's like, oh, well, you could feel the love.

So it's like, oh, we are feeling the love.

I'm feeling the love.

But like, this has become psychotic.

Of course, no, at its core, at the beginning of like them, oh, they had said that they were only doing press together, that they really did not want to fall into that sort of like stereotypical Hollywood trap where like two leading ladies, divas, hate each other.

And like they worked really hard on their friendship.

And I actually really liked the whole concept of like them being so supportive of one another, being like true true best friends, doing all press together.

So it's not like somebody has one moment and the other person doesn't.

There's really two stars of this film, and I think that that was like actually a really nice thing that they did.

They have taken it to such a psychotic, unwell level.

Like, I don't even give a fuck anymore.

I wish they hated each other.

Yeah, I said it.

And also, it's actually like two main characters did fall in love in the movie, but you can't market that, can you?

Ethan and Ari.

Oh, right, right, right.

I saw Gail King was interviewing Cynthia Rivo, and she like brought up obviously like the poster.

And like Gail who is literally the opposite of chronically online chronically offline if you will she didn't even know what she was asking she was like and so the poster

and Cynthia was like it was I actually probably felt like really awkward she probably felt really silly in that moment she's like talking to Gail King and she goes you know that was just like like a human moment I'm like okay is that what we're calling it I like that

a human moment yeah that's like when you're like uh like you like fucked up human moment

I like that anyways the movie is out.

I do hear it's amazing I hear there's like big spoiler things.

I'm trying really hard like I like that they released it a week before Thanksgiving so like the sooner the better but I wanted to see it on Thanksgiving like because I have the whole week off and

I'm actively avoiding spoilers and I'll be so annoyed if I spoil something for myself.

Yeah, so hopefully this is coming to an end soon.

The bad news is that there is part two coming out next year.

So like this time next year, we'll be having the same conversation.

Oh God, I forgot.

Maybe by then they'll get, they'll get into a fight and they'll give us something new to talk about.

Yeah, we need to all like collectively start planting seeds to make Ariana and Cynthia hate each other.

Because they can't keep doing this.

No, it's not sustainable for the culture.

Also, they've been like doing this duo press junket like since the Met Gala.

They walk the carpet together and we have Olympics.

We have another movie in a year.

So like are they gonna

spend the next

are gonna spend the next year.

No, I feel like they're gonna go to Met Gala again.

Like they're just gonna keep doing this for a whole year.

Well, I've had enough, just not if anyone cares.

Like, I don't know if they do.

I've had enough.

I like I had checked out, I watched a couple of stuff in the beginning.

IQ, you know, Ari doesn't really do a lot of talking.

It's like, so I watched on the podcast and like the lie detector thing.

Um, and then I jumped back in on this

and it's enough, it's too much.

Diana, are you ready for our next story?

Some crazy Jesse Justice news.

Oh my god, this is the story that never dies, Jesse Smollett's just

smollet

uh Jesse Smollett, I think, yeah.

What do we call?

What's his name?

We call him Juicy Sommelier because that's what Dave Chappelle calls him.

His name is Jesse Smollett.

Okay, I, but we've like LARPed him so many times.

Yeah, I'm like, what's his actual name?

I'm looking at it.

Jesse Smollett.

I think it's Jesse Smollett.

No, I don't think you're making him French.

Like, it's Smollett.

Maybe Dave Chappelle made him Smollett.

Oh, you see.

He said Juicy Somalier and Juicy Smolier.

Yeah.

seriously one of the best dave chappelle jokes on the planet jesse smollett's conviction overturned an alleged hate crime hoax so i have to read the whole thing because it's like that sounds like he got off the hook with the oh he was it makes it seem like it wasn't a hoax he really was hate crimes victim of a hate crime but no his conviction in the alleged hate crime hoax was overturned on thursday by the illinois supreme court so jesse was convicted in december 2021 of five felony counts of disorderly conduct for allegedly staging a hate crime against himself in 2019 and was sentenced to 150 days in county jail plus 30 months of probation and 130k in restitution.

This came after the original charges against him were dropped in March 2019, but the case was picked back up when the state conducted an independent inquiry with a special prosecutor.

In December 2023, a state Appellate court rejected his bid for an appeal and it was ruled that he would have to complete his full sentence, six days of which he served, before being freed pending appeal.

Earlier this year, the Supreme Illinois Supreme Court agreed to hear his appeal.

In an opinion by the Supreme Court released on Thursday, they found that the special prosecutor's decision to retry Jussie violated his rights.

So that's what's been overturned.

So it's not about whether or not he did it.

But the retrial.

Because he did do it.

Things he did.

That.

Things he did.

This is MAGA country.

Things he did that.

He put out like a statement, or there was a statement of his, like a video of him, like, you know, adamantly saying how he didn't do it.

He's so embarrassing.

Like, seriously,

if you guys haven't seen the Dave Chappelle, this is MAGA country, you absolutely have to go watch it.

It is the funniest and also like the realist breakdown of what happened.

And

I like I seriously, he's such a freak.

He also needs to stop like up.

Because it's back in the middle of the day.

Because it keeps, yeah, and like maybe there was a world in which if he had just like shut up and like did the crime, did the time, moved on.

Six days.

Six days.

But no, and now I just, I feel the need to like, like, you know, this doesn't mean that they're saying he didn't do it They're saying like the way in which he was tried violated his rights on the retrial Yeah, this is like a legal loophole a legal loophole his conviction was overturned asterisk

Yeah

his his conviction was overturned due to some bad legal advice not due to the fact that he is innocent correct I guess that was too long of a headline because when I saw this, I was shocked.

I'm like, wait, is there new evidence?

Like, was he actually...

Because what he said happened to him was so horrible that like,

if there's any world in which it happened, like, it's hard, it's atrocious, but literally it didn't happen.

It's so crazy.

That was such a crazy time.

And to be honest, like, this is, he's an actor, like the role of a lifetime for him because he will to his grave.

Yeah.

take he will say that this happened to me like we he will never this was he has committed his method acting for life but it's so crazy like the guys literally said like that's our friend and he paid us and here's the check stub jackie there's literally the check.

Hi, I'm Jussie.

And literally, there was a memo to fake beat me up signed, Jussie Smolier.

Like, literally, the worst criminal ever.

Like, there was so much proof.

The guys were like, yeah, we needed the money.

Yeah, they turned on him so fast.

So it was, it was literally a week.

That was one of the craziest weeks of my life.

Like, I forget who the first person to, like, question it was because nobody wanted to be.

What he said happened to him was so abhorrent.

Like, no one was going to be like, are you sure?

But then it became like abundantly clear.

Like so much wasn't adding up.

Like I, like, we were actively, we were doing the toast.

Like, we were in our old studio.

That was so crazy.

So crazy.

And when you, like, the more I think about, I haven't sat with it in a while.

That, like, I don't know, things maybe like were petering out in his career.

Like, maybe like it was a slow.

But they weren't, Jackie.

He was on Empire.

Remember that?

Maybe you need to be bigger than that.

And so he's like sitting there thinking like, how can I make a moment for for jesse self

victim and he calls his friends to beat him up

outside of subway and then i remember the prosecutor was like so you left your apartment at two in the morning to go to subway yeah there was like so much that to snow

yeah yeah yeah it was like three degrees in the middle of chicago you went to subway like not even near your apartment in the middle of the night why right

No, freak of the century.

I do respect his commitment.

Like he can't ever, ever, ever admit that he

did that.

Why could he say it was a human moment?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why didn't he say, What were you doing at Subway?

Oh, I was holding space for the lyrics of Defying Graphics.

I was eating fresh.

It was also a bad moment for Subway.

Like, everyone involved was just like getting taken down by Juicy Smalley.

It's so true.

And so he just needs, like, remind you that this doesn't change what he did.

Yeah.

This doesn't change reality.

This is just legalese.

Yeah, juicy being juicy.

Juice gonna juice.

Juice gonna, the juice ain't worth the squeeze.

You know?

Are you ready for our next story?

I am.

Cara Delavine is talking about how she took Taylor Swift on a wild ride while living together after a really horrible breakup of cars.

So the model described what it was like to be the pop star's roommate while speaking to Nikki Glazer for an interview magazine Q ⁇ A published on Thursday.

She said, I was going through a really horrible breakup and she let me live with her.

She explained without naming which ex it was that she had broken up from.

So

it doesn't matter for the context of the story.

I don't know.

I'm just curious.

Anyways, she said, we're very different people.

She's very homely because she looked after me so well, but we got into some, not trouble, but I definitely took her for a bit of a wild ride.

Just to get her to blush would be great.

She also described the lurd, or she described the lurd as one of the funniest people saying, the thing about Taylor, though, is I've seen her do a speech at someone's wedding before and it was a roast she's one of the funniest most clever people anyone could roast her easily but at the same time she could fuck everyone up so hard

I guess this is the first time I'm actually like sitting back and thinking what unlikely friends these two are like Cara is such like a bad gal I mean we all have seen that photo of the bag of coke flying out of her hands like she's such a party girl she's like a really uh

what's the word I'm looking for like a rowdy loud party and Taylor's so the opposite she like sews with her cats and makes baked home goods and wakes up at six in the the morning and goes to work.

Like, so the fact that these two are friends, I'm just now, like, for the first time realizing, like, how odd it is.

And I can seriously never imagine them living together.

Like, I feel like Cara's room would be, like, covered in like eyeliner.

Like, a torn picture.

Like peticos on the floor.

Yeah.

And Taylor is like in the kitchen cleaning up from baking fresh cookies.

Yeah, with, you know, eye patches under her eyes.

Yeah, and like music in the background, classical music.

Yeah, it's like a sitcom, honestly.

But it is true.

So they met at the 2013 Victoria Secret fashion show.

And it's crazy.

Like Taylor's had a lot of friends in and out the door since that time that they've remained friends.

Especially like model friends, like Martha Hunt.

Curly Claus.

Lily Aldridge.

Although I do think she's still like friendly with those two swirlies, but not enough that she would like open her doors to them.

Curly Claus.

Curly Clurse.

Curly Clerks.

Curly, Curly.

So the fact that they've remained friends is actually so crazy.

And when they're also such an unlikely, it actually makes sense to me.

I know.

And also this thing where like Taylor houses her single friends is like the funniest thing.

When I had read this, I thought like Taylor lent her like her London flat.

Not that they were like physically in the same place.

I thought she would do what she did with Sophie Turner when Sophie needed a place to live.

Oh, say my Trybeck aloft with the girls.

And she gave her a place.

But this notes, she really was like, you know, slumber party.

Slumber party.

I want to know more details.

When, for how long?

Which apartment.

Yeah.

And also, like, what was Taylor doing at that time?

Like, was that during quiet before Reputation Era?

Was it

with Travis?

Oh, my God.

Was it like 1989?

Like, what do you think is Cara Delavine's like hardest breakup?

Like, what was her most long-term relationship?

Was it Ashley Benson?

Or Michelle Rodriguez?

Oh, yeah.

And St.

Vincent was another one.

Which was a while ago.

Yeah.

Maybe Ashley Benson, but that was like kind of recent.

But that was a long relationship.

So that I think is where you would like need to live with a friend.

Yeah.

To be a fly on the wall.

To be the housekeeper who comes in and cleans up.

Like, that's, that's what I want to know.

Are you ready for our next story, number four?

Yeah.

Jason Kelsey will be hosting a late night talk show for ESPN.

Jason is joining the ranks of late night hosts as ESPN's newest frontman of They Call It Late Night with Jason Kelsey, said to premiere in 2025.

The Super Bowl champ announced his new gig during an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live yesterday saying the Philadelphia-based late night talk show will debut in January.

He said, I've loved late night shows.

I've always loved them.

I remember sleepovers watching Conan with my friends.

He sounded like Claudia.

He said, we're going to have a bunch of guys up there, legends of the game, friends that I played the game with, coaches, celebrities.

The hour-long show will tape on five consecutive Friday nights, kick starting January 3rd.

The date coincides with the last week of NFL's regular season and the playoffs.

He said it's going to be a celebration.

Okay.

I have something to say because I did see

Jimmy Kimmel interviewing Jason Kelsey.

And I don't, I don't think I've ever watched Jimmy Kimmel.

So this was like my first foray into his interview style.

You're much more offended, girl.

I am.

I am.

And last night watching this was proof.

I need Jimmy Kimmel to respectfully shut the fuck up.

Oh my God, I've never seen somebody, and I know this is like coming from me, but this is why I don't interview guests that much.

He did not stop talking over Jason Kelsey like and he was asking him like what do you get for Taylor and Travis for Christmas like oh my god shut up why do you why do you ask a question if you don't let the person answer shut up like he's talking about

like give him the runway just to let him talk I don't know if he was like overexcited like that he's a big Jason Kelsey fan or this is how he interviews people but the fact that this man has a career is just like further proof that like In late night, all you need to be is like unfunny and a man.

Like that's all it takes to be like a late night legend.

He was bothering the absolute fuck out of me.

So I couldn't even focus on the story at hand.

I was just focusing on Jimmy Kimmel's like lack of talent, which was distracting because it's huge.

But then, you know, now I can think about the story.

I like this.

I just am like a little worried about Jason Kelsey.

Overexposure, but also like, you know, doing a weekly podcast, a weekly, like you don't want to run out of things to talk about.

You don't, you know, you want to start telling the same stories.

Like, I just worry a little bit.

That's.

I agree.

However, I think so far we're like, we're still copacetic because like talking with your swirly brother once a week is one vibe and then when he's doing his late night show it's gonna be about other people it's gonna be about the game it's gonna be well hopefully he doesn't take a book out of Jimmy Kimball's interviewing skills and he lets his interviewers talk about the guests it's gonna be like all-stars celebrities so I think he'll be able to like turn the spotlight more onto others and just be a conduit where we can have a fun evening filled with football which is what I'm looking for

I feel like ESPN's like slate of programming isn't like the best.

I feel like they have a couple of shows.

People love Stephen A.

Smith, but I don't feel like they have like a million amazing shows.

I would have said they're the best in sports.

No?

Yeah, but I mean like talent-based shows that people tune into every week.

They just put on ESPN when you want to watch

sports.

Zach's show, Mike and Mike.

What's that on?

Okay, like you don't even know that

I had never heard of it.

PTI show.

Let's see where it's on.

He watches that every day and he watches

Colin Cowherd.

Yeah, that one I know.

Colin, yeah.

Which I don't don't like.

PTI is on ESPN.

Colin Cowherd is on.

I don't even know how I would find this.

Where is he?

I just don't feel like they have enough stars.

Sports radio.

Radio.

I don't know.

I just feel like they need more glitz and glam when it comes to like

stars having shows on their network.

And I think that this is a good idea.

I think this is a good idea.

Yeah.

Like they had briefly tried to work with Close Tool.

Like, and it, like, the whole thing

in flames after, after what, after one fucking day, which was like a good idea for them to work with them initially, and then they like seriously buckled under the pressure, were so lame.

Um, so they've kind of like failed in this department repeatedly, except for like a few core people.

Um, so I think that this is a great idea.

Yeah, I think so, too.

I'm holding space for it.

I'm feeling that.

What am I doing?

Holding space and feeling the power in it.

No, Jackie, what am I doing right now?

Holding space for the lyrics of defying gravity.

Yes, very good.

A lot of people are doing that right now, actually.

Oh my God, that's just what I wanted.

Our fifth and final story is for the girls.

It's brought to you by Minky Couture.

Oh, you're going to want Minky Couture for this fifth and final story.

A lot of people are like, Claudia and Jackie, you're obsessed with Minky Couture.

How could it be so much better than a regular blanket?

I get great blankets, you know, at my local store.

And then they interact with a Minky Couture.

They either see one in real life, they purchase one for themselves, and then they understand why we've been going on and shut up with that.

These blankets are so soft.

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So, Minky Goutora is the creator of the original Hugs blanket, which is a stretchy, plush, and double-sided blanket that really hugs you back.

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It is so warm, and I love the Hugs one.

The stretchy factor like makes it really easy to make your bed, and my bed always ends up looking like really chic.

Obviously, we love Minky Goutora because because their products are amazing, but also they're a female-owned business.

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Now they have like a ton of different products.

They also have kids' blankets, which I know your kids love and are the perfect size for a crate, if anybody cares.

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Our fifth and final story is for the girls.

You got the boys.

This one's for the girls

who love without holding back,

who dream with everything that you have.

That's such a good song.

It is.

Is that Martina?

Martina, Martini.

So good.

You're beautiful the way you are.

The boys have Jason Kelsey.

The girls have Molly Mae.

She is getting a Prime Video docuseries following her breakup with Tommy Fury.

So, UK reality star Molly Mae Hogg is set to star in her own docuseries following the breakdown of her relationship with boxer Tommy Fury.

The six-part series, which is headed for prime video in January, promises to take viewers behind the headlines to uncover the real Molly Mae.

Cameras will follow her as she parents Bambi, her 18-month-old daughter, with Fury, and launches a new business venture.

So that would be maybe.

Molly and Fury were the couple of their generation with fans devastated when they broke up.

The description said, this is Molly Mae,

as we've never seen her before.

Raw, real, and redefining what it means to thrive under intense public scrutiny.

The first three episodes will launch on Prime Video on January 17th, and the second three will be scheduled for the spring.

So

that's really smart, like of whoever's idea this was, because there's so much interest.

And even without like the scandal, she was such a deeply

sought-after person.

People love to see her life, even in the boring times.

And so now to have given her a docuseries when there is so much going on and there's even like a higher level of like intrigue with her personal life, it's really brilliant.

And I think that like overall, this is like such a terrible thing that he did to her.

But I think she will end up like kind of

kind of almost like a little bit like our animatics, like so much better because of it yeah career wise yeah i mean people like love her vlogs and she's just like you know sitting in her car going a home goods uk version and so to have like something so highly produced like interviews third part like i'm really excited to see her in her element and like get her back on my tv screen even though i do watch her vlogs on my tv like to have it's different when you're filming yourself versus someone else filming you

yeah and like

people are obsessed with like her nursery like just literally literally seeing what the inside of her life looks like is so interesting because she's just like a very stylish, like really someone with such immaculate taste that even like the little things in her home, people are obsessed with.

That's why her YouTube is so successful.

Yeah, but then also like when you do know her, maybe like she's such a regular person, like she's so regular, degular.

And I think that's why people love her so much because it's like on the outside, she seems this way.

And you'd think someone like that would just be like so snobbish, but she is the most regular down-to-earth, like

normal person.

It's really, it's really crazy.

She's literally one of the, or if not like the most popular reality star, maybe after like Kim the Kardashians, but like no one has parlayed like one season of a reality show into the fame that she has.

No, it's really crazy.

Like even before I knew what before I only really knew who she was specifically when you watched her season, but I had heard her name before because I remember when she became like the creative director of Pretty Little Lies.

Pretty little thing.

Pretty little thing.

Everyone in the UK was freaking out.

So I had heard of her quite frequently, actually.

I just wasn't familiar with like her origin story.

Yeah.

And it's been a great ride for her.

So I'm

sat for that.

That's what I'll be watching in January.

And I do think that is a great segue into Queenie and Weenie because actually that story just booted who my weenie was and gave me a new

girl.

Weenie.

So without further ado, let's dive into Queenie and Weenie of the Week, which is our final.

Wait, I have to.

Oh, you know what?

Actually, what?

I'm just, I, I'm changing my queenie.

Okay, Queenie and Weenie is our final segment for the week where we award the queenie and the weenie of the week who behaved in a queenish way, who was a wiener.

It's a seven-day title, not a big deal.

Like, don't get your bragas in a twist.

We'll start with Queenie because we always start with the positives.

We always start.

Can we start with Weenie?

Because mine's, it's like a segue from the last story.

Because I was, before this morning, I didn't know we were going to talk about Cynthia and Ariana.

And so I wanted to talk about it.

So I was going to make them my queenie, my weenies of the week.

Like, seriously, specifically, like Cynthia Moore, but them collectively, like, they're out of control.

But I just think that's the thing.

That's what I was saying when I said a fifth might come up in the stories.

I figured that would be Cynthia and Ari being your wieners.

They were my original wieners, but I have decided to give it to Katie Robertson.

And I'm sure you guys don't know who that is, but it is the girl who went viral this week for basically admitting on a podcast that she's the reason why Tommy Fury and Molly Mae broke up because she had sex with Tommy Fury that night in Dubai.

And she was really proud of the fact that not only did she have sex with them and she's the reason that she broke that the family broke up, but also she was the fourth girl he had sex with that evening.

So she is a freak.

She had this absolute mug on her face, like wanted to punch so bad.

Yeah, like free of other girls in Dubai.

But also, I don't want to miss her bubble, but she's not the reason why they broke up.

Like, there were literally probably 50 other reasons, and it's like you're not actually that special.

And I know that some people actually don't even know the video I'm talking about, so I found it.

I just do guys.

Like, he's still, it's worth it.

Um, the tape, and I said, can I post it?

It was like, if me and Mom.

So, Tommy Fiori was only this May, just gone.

Wait, so how did you have support with Tommy Fiori?

Uh, so I was in Dubai, and we were at a club called Drift Nightclub.

And he'd fed like three girls at the time, bearing in mind before.

Yeah, wait, hold on.

I need a time throw.

I need a time throw.

Bolly Mae wasn't there.

Was he Wolly May?

There was a thing back in May this year, but Tommy was in Dubai for work.

So he was still dating.

He's Chris Brown.

Yeah, yeah.

Still dating.

And he fed three birds plus me.

He fucked free birds except me.

Plus me.

Plus me.

Ugh, I hate this bitch more than anything.

And she's my weenie of the week.

Katie Robinson.

No, the name.

Remember the niece.

I, of course, co-signed that.

My weenie is a little more innocuous.

Just someone who like had a weenie moment, a human moment, and just had a bad idea.

And that's John Stamos.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I thought you were going to say John Mayer for going to the Sabrina Carpenter concert because that was also.

Yeah, there were a lot of weenies in our midst.

Jon Stamos wearing

solidarity.

Jackie.

Jackie.

when it rains, of course.

But, like, you know, it's not that serious.

Like, and I know other people, like, and I've seen like people weighing in.

They're like, as a cancer survivor, like, this is not offensive to me.

Like, it's, it's not a big deal.

It was just like a bad, like, not his best and brightest idea.

We've all been there, by the way.

And that's why it's so important to remember Weenie being a seven-day title.

Although, I do think for Katie Robertson, it was a lifetime title.

Yeah.

A lifetime achievement, Weenie.

Now, queenie of the week.

Do you want to go first?

I'll go first because, of course, my queenie is turdy.

Of course, I had to do

it.

It was Turdy's big week, kind of the star of the week, the big celeb news of the week, Turdy announcing her amazing news.

Now, you've been my queenie for as many weeks as I've known, the joyous news.

But in culmination of all of that, you know, your determination and your showing up even in the throes of not feeling well, it's very much queenie behavior.

That is so sweet.

I almost made my, I did make my queenie up until two seconds ago until I remembered something else I wanted to make my queenie.

I did make my queenie initially, like everybody who's been so nice and so happy for me, making me so excited.

Like, I was already excited, but now it's like even more exciting.

Like, so everybody being like so nice to me this week, you guys know, like, I live for the attention, especially when it's positive.

So, that really meant a lot to me.

So, thank you.

But you are not my weenie because I got an email yesterday that

actually

became my queenie this week.

What?

Are you going to share it?

Because we got another email yesterday that yeah,

I know what you think it's about.

I know what you think it's about.

I didn't think it was going to be it.

So, you know, we get, I don't want to say like a lot, but we get like a decent amount of fan mail and they're always really sweet.

But this one like actually shook me to my core.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm pregnant or the fact that we don't have a father.

Like it really got me, okay?

And I won't share his name, but I love this man, okay?

He said, hello, Claudia and Jackie.

Sorry, not me making making everything about myself.

He literally, he wrote Claudia and Jackie.

I am a Gen X dad with a 29-year-old millennial daughter.

She lives in a different state, but I try to share experiences with her to stay connected.

Our dog texts her with my help, of course, throughout the day, asks her how she's doing, shares daytime drama and photos.

Since we share a Spotify account, I notice that she listens to the toast, so of course, I do as well.

My personal favorite is that we text each other our queenie and weenie of the week.

Your podcast is more than the fast five stories that everyone needs to know.

It's also something a dad and a daughter share together.

Thank you for your podcast.

Quote, love ya.

Like, I'm going to cry.

I'm going to cry.

I love you.

It was so sweet.

I literally wrote him back and I was like, oh my God, you just made my whole life.

I love you so much.

I never heard back from him, but hopefully he hears this.

Hopefully, he hears this and knows that his note meant a lot to us.

Because I know he's checking in on a Friday because he loves week queening.

And to know that he's the queenie.

I was like actually so overcome with emotion.

It was the sweetest thing ever.

That's emotional.

Plus, you're pregnant speaking up.

Did you see that Volvo commercial that has everyone crying?

I've been sent it quite a lot, and I'm actually like, I watched it for a couple of seconds, and I needed a break.

Like, I haven't sat like, I wasn't ready to take on that type of.

I didn't make it all the way through because it was just like too much.

I'm like, why am I crying at a car commercial?

Like, when she said she was worried about uh going to like doing well in class, I'm like, I'm out of here.

Um, I actually didn't even get there.

I don't know what you're talking about, so just like I just saw the pregnancy test, yeah, no, like just the pregnancy, yeah, that's when it starts, just like the emotion.

Um, so yeah, I think it makes like everyone cry.

And

I guess I have to get a Volvo.

It's the safest car in the market, Jax.

It really is.

I'm like, so Tesla loyal.

Like, they'll have to pry the Tesla's.

I want all three.

I want them X, Y, and Z.

Like, I want, I actually was thinking about it this morning as I was driving.

Like,

where am I going from here?

You know, Jerry's waiting for an answer on what kind of car I want next.

I haven't made a decision.

Who the hell is Jerry?

Oh, the guy.

He's my sales associate at Tesla.

And it's like, he's literally not even a person, right?

He's an automated machine.

So even though he gets a little emotional, I think it's a person.

I want a Y and a Cyber Truck.

I need both.

Well, I want

lunch.

What are you going to have?

I don't know.

The world is.

Oh, actually, I'm meeting Satchel for lunch.

So I'll have to wait like a little bit more.

Cratchel?

Yeah, I'm having lunch with Cratchell.

Not a big deal.

Oh, my goodness.

Just like, yeah, having lunch, a big, big lunch.

A big lunch with the big exec.

Yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

What's the occasion?

Friday.

Cratch was a veil.

I asked her if she wanted to have lunch, figuring me like, no, I can't.

And she was like, sure.

Cratch was a veil.

You never hear those words.

You never hear those words.

Cratch's availability is nil, usually.

Oh my God, send my love to Cratch, will you?

I will.

I'll send you pics of us at lunch.

I'll take a couple of sneaky shots of Cratch.

You guys, that's our show.

Thanks for a great week.

Thank you so much for listening to the Toast of Monday Morning Show where we deliver the fast five stories.

You need to know every Monday through Friday on YouTube.

So

I'll be friendly today.

If you're listening, if you're watching this on YouTube, please feel free to subscribe and give this video a thumbs up.

We're also available as a podcast.

Anywhere podcasts we found, so it's bad by teacher.

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Have an amazing day, and we'll see you on Monday.

Love ya.

Excuse.

Love ya.

Bye.

Sorry.