A Ballot Worth Casting: Wednesday, November 6th, 2024

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Good morning, Millennials.

Welcome back to the toast and happy Wednesday.

A big Wednesday after the big Tuesday.

A big Tuesday because of obvious reasons.

And a big Wednesday because our girl, Jacqueline Folet, is celebrating her 19th birthday.

Happy birthday, Jax.

Guys, make sure to sound off in the comments wishing Jacqueline Folet a happy birthday.

How are you doing, Jacqueline?

I'm doing good.

Yes, that's why it's a big day today, because it's my birthday.

Yeah.

It's been a really nice day so far.

Just like a nice birthday at home.

I don't have like major crazy plans.

Like I'm not going to the club?

Going to the club, even though in the clerb, we all fam.

You tell them, okay, Gen Z, she really is 19.

Let me tell you, that's one of my favorite sounds.

Like it cracks me up and I use it a lot in my everyday life.

in the clerb we all fam

it's hilarious I can't believe you know that sound like you're so young I

really enjoy it um so yes in the clerb we are all a fam I'm just enjoying like a nice birthday at home so far it's been like a quiet morning and then I'll just have a nice day that's you know kind of birthdays as you grow up you're just hopeful for like a peaceful loving joyous day and I think as you grow up you hope that of course your best friend slash partner in crime slash business partner slash sister would sing you a happy birthday with her beautiful voice.

Is that something you hope for, you think?

Yes, because I think there's been a lot of fanfare for your voice.

Yeah, I'm always your number one fan.

That's so true.

As a nation, we've truly never been more divided.

And you would never know it if you went to the comments section of our Instagram.

Like people were just...

kind of fawning over my vocals.

I feel like I reminded these bitches.

Like, yeah, I sing on the podcast, but like, I'm usually not giving it 100%.

Like, I'm not really trying.

And I gave them the God Bless America rendition yesterday, my entire pussy.

And people were really receptive to that pussy.

So I'm thrilled about that.

So do you want to sing me happy birthday?

Oh, because I'll never stop.

I mean, you're like begging me to at this point.

I think you have to.

Well, guys, please join me in wishing our beautiful, talented, stunning, and smart Swirly a happy birthday.

CV Wonders version or Royalty Birthday?

No, no, okay.

Regular.

Happy birthday.

Make it soulful.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, Jacqueline Fole.

Stunning.

Happy birthday.

I did too much.

Sorry, let me just undo.

Guys, forget, forget,

you didn't hear that.

She didn't hear that.

She made it about her.

Happy birthday

to you.

Yeah.

May

the end.

That was beautiful, Terry.

Thank you so much for that.

Thank you so much.

I know it's like, it's definitely annoying.

And you're not like a self-centered, like center of attention person, even on your birthday, but like, it definitely is annoying.

Like, everybody's talking about the election and not your birthday, right?

No.

Okay.

No, I'm used to it, honestly, as having a November 6th birthday.

Like, this always comes with the territory.

It's always like the day after.

I feel like sometimes it's like November 2nd.

It has never in my conscious life.

I'm sure, you know, when I was a toddler, but in my conscious life been the day after a presidential election.

But sometimes it's been the day of the election.

That happened one time.

I remember that.

I don't know what's

going on.

I think day of the election, like, is actually fun to have a birthday on.

There's a lot of excitement.

There's something really like beautiful about the process, right?

And we're all, everybody, no matter what side you're on, like, you have hope.

And it's kind of beautiful.

And even like yesterday with my, we were all making our chilies.

Like this morning, half of us are upset and half of us are cool.

Like the day before, like the actual day is is actually exciting.

Yes, I would agree with that, but I feel like it's like people who have their birthday at Christmas.

Like you really do just get used to it.

Yeah.

And so I am used to it.

However, I didn't expect that like we would know the results today just because of like last year it took a few days.

So I didn't expect like that.

I thought we would be in this like limbo and everyone would just be like, oh, well, let's just focus on Jackie's birthday now.

Right, right.

Instead of like, let's distract ourselves from the impending results like with the celebration of Miss Jacqueline Foley's birthday.

Right.

But no,

the results results are here.

My birthday is here.

We have our new president elect as an old president.

Well, let's say, this is the weird thing.

And I'm sure there's a reason for it.

Like, there's a lot of things in the country I don't understand.

I'm sure like you guys will comment, like, Claudia, this is why they do it.

I'll be like, okay.

But at this present moment, I don't know.

Like, it is really crazy that like you get elected and then like the old president like chills for like three more months.

Well, no, like November, December.

Yeah, like three months.

Change.

And it's just like, I feel like that's a bad call, you know, because if I was Biden and Biden didn't run, so it's different, but like, let's say Biden ran and lost.

Like, you're like low-key mad.

Like, if I would be mad, like, you know?

Yeah.

I just feel like it's a flaw in the system.

Like, well, it takes time to transition.

Yeah.

And then actually, I was watching the news and they were explaining why.

And now I remember, actually, there's like a lot of things that need to be done between like the, you know, the polling crew of America.

You know, they're still counting and shit.

Oh, yeah, but also just like, that's just how it is.

I think it would be weird if it was overnight.

I just feel like we're like dragging it out at this point, you know?

Yeah.

Well,

congrats to the winners and true condolences to the losers.

Like, that's the thing about the elections.

Like, it's 50-50.

You win some, you lose some.

And it's tough when you lose, and it's great when you win.

And to everyone who got what they wanted, that's great.

To everybody who didn't, like, that sucks.

Like, I feel that.

Like, so onward and upward.

United we stand.

And God bless America.

No, I won't.

I don't want to actually, like, I don't want to do it again because, like, the other one was so parchy.

Yeah, just, like, leave perfection as it is.

Leave well enough alone.

When do you think you're going to open your birthday presents?

Like, are you going to FaceTime me when you open mine?

Of course I will.

Maybe this afternoon.

Okay.

I don't want to wait too long, but I don't.

I feel like you have to be well into the day.

You can't open them in the morning.

Like, what are you, a kid at Christmas?

Which, by the way, so true.

Get some chill, birthday.

There's so much pressure, too, because you know how many gifts you have.

So there's like, you know, six people like Zach, whatever.

And

you don't want to do them all like at once.

You don't want to do them all in the the morning.

You really have to like spread them out throughout the day.

And like you know who, you know who's getting them.

I'm not going to do them throughout the day like a scavenger hunt.

I'm like, why?

That's okay.

I'm going to be sat with my presents and I'm going to open them.

That's, I'm not going to like open it.

It's okay to have a day special.

Like it's okay to act like a two-year-old.

My day is special.

I'm not a two-year-old.

But it's okay if you are.

No, I'm not.

And we've never done that.

I sometimes, yeah, I like wait for Ben's gift like later in the day.

Like I don't want to do all my gifts at once.

Then it's like, I have no more gifts.

We literally always do our gifts at once.

Like we do it.

We all are sat.

No, I feel like when we're with the family, like, Ben's gift will be separate, like, either in the morning, and then I got everybody else's at dinner that night.

Like, it's nice to spread it out.

Yeah.

I'm also getting a haircut today, major national news.

Um, why?

Like, because I'm, and I'm not doing anything crazy, it was just like on the cow.

You know, I try and go quarterly to my girl mahogany.

This is going to be a trim.

Like, don't be looking for a transition video for me.

It's a trim.

I might, my, like,

my front, my slut strands are like down to my nipples.

You know, I got to get them back to my chin.

It's just, it's.

It's called growth because

back in the day, you would have like called this a major chop no i'm thinking two inch trim get me my layers and my angles and i'm put me you know rachel green and i'm good that's good i have that coming up in a few weeks i'm excited yeah just consider it maintenance maintenance and today is kind of a long-awaited day for the dtq the deer toasters community deer toasters has returned and the submissions that i selected last week that i accidentally well not accidentally it was just kind of an unfortunate series of events um that never got to get read are getting their shine today today.

So, Deer Toasters,

what a loyal fan base we have when it comes to the DTQ.

And I love those back.

I know people were upset, but like, it meant so much to me how upset people were.

Like, on Friday, to the point that they were dragging Queenie and Weenie, they were like, Yes, I can't believe you guys.

They said you guys didn't skip Queenie and Weenie, but you skipped Deer Toasters.

Like, you'd rather have had Deer Toasters.

Like, it's okay.

Like, drag us through the med.

Like, I love how much you love it.

But don't bring Queenie and Weenie into this.

Like, seriously, Queenie and Weenie means a lot to me, first of all.

And second of all, I agree, Jackie.

Even though, like, it's, you know, obviously I was upset that we didn't, you know, get the the people what we wanted.

It was nice to know like how valued the segment is.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I really feel like we need to do our toasters today.

One, because, like, we're still in the election cycle where like celebrities aren't really like doing anything.

Nothing.

So crazy.

And two, I think dear toasters will unite the nation.

I think dear toasters will unite the nation.

Although, you know, sometimes we really divide the country on like our advice.

Like some people are like, no, she definitely should say something.

And some people are like, no, she definitely shouldn't.

So maybe we will further the schasm.

What's that word?

Perhaps.

But I think also we can agree to disagree and that's also healthy.

Beautiful.

What's the word?

Chasm?

Schism?

Those are two different words.

Like a

divide.

I think so.

Schasm.

But I actually think that they both could apply.

Let's Google it.

Schism.

Like I said, that's not.

Actually, remember, this is actually a fun fact about me.

My bat mitzvah Parsha.

So basically, when you get bat mitzvah, schism is a split.

Keep going.

Okay, so schism is the word.

So when I was becoming bat mitzvah, basically the weekend that you choose to get bat mitzvah every week in you know judaism you read the next chapter of the

tora which is like the body claudia chasm is a deep fissure no it's schism i know it's an essay the word i was looking for is schism thank you chasm no no no no the word i was looking for is schism thank you claudia i think there's it's a synonym no no but the word i'm about to tell a story about is schism Okay,

so every week

you read a chapter of the Torah, and then like the one that you get for the date you chose for your Bible.

So like, it just kind kind of is like this cosmic thing, you know?

It's like

you don't choose the date for that chapter, but then that chapter like ends up following you your whole life, you know?

And my chapter was Korach, which was actually, you know, we didn't choose it on perfect, was kind of reflective of my life.

Like, Korach was like this guy, and he was just kind of rebellious.

Like, he really rejected authority.

And what ended up happening is the earth split and swallowed him up because God was like, you're nuts.

So it was a schism in the earth?

And so I'm like, it might have been a chasm because it said deep fissure in the earth.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

whatever.

But they're also synonyms.

Maybe it depends on the translation.

I remember when I was like with the rabbi learning, I saw this word, whether it was schasm or schasm, and I was like, what does that mean?

And he explained it to me like in such a good way.

I always remembered what the word meant.

I just can't remember what it was.

Except till today.

I can't remember.

I remember what it means, just not what word it was.

I think they're the same word.

I just remember it being like S-C,

schism.

But chasm also has a C and an S.

No, no, no.

I feel like

Korach.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Kuf, Reish, Chet.

Like, and, you know, a lot of people were making comparisons to me and Korach because I was definitely like, you know, a bit of a rebellious teen, didn't really embrace authority, just sort of beat to the, you know, march to the beat of my own drum.

And actually, I spoke about that in my speech.

Everybody was really moved at the facility.

That's

they were really moved.

They're kind of like still talking about it.

No, they're actually not still talking about it.

I'm not going to say that anymore because I don't want you guys to think I was exaggerating.

I'm trying to to take away from like your real

when they are still talking about it.

And they are still talking about my solo from 13 the musical.

Yeah.

Right.

And we're talking about it again because it was posted on the Toast Gram and it kind of took the internet by storm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just like fun fact about me.

I'm a star.

Yeah, Olivia is cooking me dinner tonight for my birthday.

I thought you were going to say Olivia heard what we said about her on the toast and is mad.

Oh, so far, no.

I was actually like wondering.

Because she, I know she like hates when we bring up 25 packs of gum.

We like never let her live it too.

Like if we were reopening the case on it, there are a couple things that's like case, the case has gone cold on like what the truth is of something that happened when we were kids.

Of course, you know the other one?

Brian.

Ryan.

Yeah.

I don't know if we told that.

I'm not going to tell that story because it's like, it seriously will cause a chasm schism.

Tell it.

Jackie.

No.

Oh, yeah.

She loves it so much.

We have.

I don't give a fuck.

Like, sorry, Olivia is going to need to suffer for the entertainment value of this podcast.

Should I just like, we're texting.

Should I just text her?

Can I tell Brian's story?

Yeah.

It's like an OG family story that Jackie and Olivia like will to their graves disagree on.

Like, Jackie claims that Olivia said something like really corny and cringy ones.

And Jackie, to her grave, like, well, seriously, she believes in her soul that Olivia said it.

Olivia's like, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Stop slandering my good name.

It's mine alone to disgrace.

And never the twain shall agree or even meet in the middle.

And then we like, obviously, like, we talk about it every year.

Like, so it comes up all the time.

And we comes up.

We shadows.

I do not admit.

Yeah.

I just, I know she knows.

Should we just say it?

And if she says no, we'll cut it out.

Because she won't say no.

No.

You don't understand.

Like this story runs so deep.

It is like,

it could break us.

Jackie, please.

It could break us.

Like, we literally don't disagree on anything like a sisters, except for this.

Yeah.

Like, just who is accurately remembering that night?

And who's known for their accurate memory?

The thing is, and.

And who's known for telling a tall tale?

I'm not just saying this because like I want to blow smoke up your ass and like get you to say the story.

But like I definitely believe you.

Thank you.

Like and because you know what?

It's kind of my

It's Olivia's version of stepping off into a new land.

Jackie basically will remind you of something corny you said because she never fucking forgets anything.

And like you deny it till you die because you don't want that sort of stain on your record.

But are you denying it?

Are you knowing that you're lying or you really just like didn't think that you said it?

When I first denied the airplane thing, I was not being a liar.

Like I was genuinely, she's fucking lying about me, this bitch.

And then maybe I like got on a plane and I think I would like as I was stepping on, I was like, wait, I totally said it because I had the thought.

Like, you know.

So in that sense, like, maybe Olivia really doesn't believe that she said it.

Maybe something will happen to her in her life in the next 10, 20, 30 years that will remind her of the time she said that thing.

Got it.

Well, speaking also of our sisters, dear Satch is here.

I know.

It's so nice that she came down to celebrate your birthday with you.

She did.

It's been such a pleasure having here like uninterrupted counselor time.

That's huge.

It's huge.

The campers are thriving.

How many times has she read The Camper of the Counselor to your family?

Zero.

She did arrive like just at bedtime last night.

And so she had to read whatever they had already chosen because like they weren't going to stand for that.

So of course she got roped into Sandman.

I have such a hate for this book that Jackie's boys are obsessed with.

Well, since when they ask me to read it, I will turn the page and unbeknownst to them, I will turn about six pages.

Like anything to get through this book, it's so long and boring and bad.

So we love the little golden books.

They come like there's a million of them on a million subjects.

And so they have some Spider-Man ones and they also have like just every subject.

And like some of them are like really cute, concise, like good stories.

By the way, I don't hate the whole series.

Some of them are like really bad and dreadful.

So like obviously the Sandman one isn't good.

And then there are a couple that I think are too advanced, like a little scary, like not right for kids yet.

Sandman is so bad and boring.

Like I seriously, I could get through that book in 10 seconds the way I read it.

Yeah, that's not a good one.

Honestly, the Spidey storylines for Steidie and his amazing friends, like the gross incompetence of the three.

Like I guess they are like eight-year-olds.

No, it's so true.

But it's just kind of like, it's not believable.

You're literally Martha Stewart.

Incompetence.

No, like they're serious, like they are seriously incompetent.

Like they swing their webs and they like crash into each other because they're not communicating properly.

Like well, that's what kids do need to learn the value of communication, so maybe that's the message of the book.

Yeah, I don't know.

They just, like, don't carry them.

They're not the elk of superheroes sometimes.

Did Olivia answer you about Brian?

She

from she said from the back street boys?

Yes.

I like how she asks as if she doesn't know the exact story we're talking about.

Okay, I said, yes.

Can I tell it?

I'm telling you, she's going gonna say yes.

I feel like we can safely start.

I don't know, Turdy.

I don't want to start something.

She's cooking me dinner for my birthday.

Right, she's gonna spit in it.

Now's not the time to piss her off.

Yeah, it's so true.

What's she making?

Well, that's what she had texted me asking what I wanted.

That's what I was gonna say.

And I don't even know.

Maybe bolognese.

She makes such a good bolognese.

What would you ask for?

Well, the last time I went over, I did ask for bolognese and she made it for me.

That's, I think, her best, her best dish.

Yeah, so that feels right.

TFR.

Yeah, plus I had my chili last night.

How was your chili?

I followed Jackie's chili recipe, except I used ground chicken instead of ground turkey.

And let me tell you, I worked so hard on it.

I was like, I am not fucking this up.

I was so determined.

And I think the sheer grit and determination, like, really contributed to the fact that, like, I successfully made your chili.

Ben was shocked, like literally shocked.

At first, when I got everything in, and yours is for the crock pot.

I didn't do the crock pot because I waited too late.

So, like, it's for either.

yeah so i was just like damn did i up because once i put everything in and i was like leaving except for the beans leaving it to like stew it was just like really red

yeah and i was like i feel like chili is more like a brown orange than like a red it was like really tomato colored i'm like this looks like a tomato soup and i was like what did i do wrong Then I realized I didn't do any of the spices and like the cumin is brown.

Like that's what makes it brown.

So after that, I felt much better.

Spices.

It was really good.

Like really, it's a great recipe.

It's idiot proof.

The worst and hardest part was cutting those two onions.

Like I will never enjoy cutting onions.

Like not me sobbing and wanting to just like seriously was crying.

But other than that, it was so good.

And you're really right about an election day chili, especially election night last night with so many hours.

Like, you know, the first polls close at six.

And I know every year the first polls close at six and the last one's close at 11.

But there was like, you know, counties being held late.

We didn't really find out who the president was till like 2 a.m.

So it was great to have this thing I could just like keep coming back to.

Yeah, like round one for the first polls, maybe two hours later.

Round two.

The structure of the election day chili really is

pargelicious.

Mine was really great as well, but the crock pot, like I was getting nervous that it wasn't going to be ready in time, so I switched over to the cruise.

No, I'm telling you, crock pot is like not the vibe for chili.

If I had gotten it in before the toast yesterday,

it would have been amazing, but I didn't.

Okay, I'll ask one more time and then I'll let it go.

Did Olivia respond?

Wow.

You're really, like, I'm really trying to to give her grace.

No, because we have a show to do.

No, I'm trying to give her grace in the sense of like, of not telling it.

I mean, okay, fine.

Oh, she's typing.

She's going to like type and then stop typing.

Like,

she said, yes, whatever, but just say my statement as well.

And this is the statement.

Well, say the story first.

She said,

This is her statement.

No, I'll say it first.

Her statement is, this story is categorically untrue.

Okay.

She's so funny.

And you know what?

That's my girl because like she rides for her truth.

Like so like she, even if like she knew in her soul, like maybe years later, she figured out that she did say, she's not going to backtrack.

Like she is, this is her story and she's sticking to it.

And I respect that greatly.

Yeah.

So when we were younger, we used to all sleep in Olivia's bed, like the four of us in her twin bed, like every single night.

That's just what we did.

And we would like talk before we went to bed.

We would sleep like Willy Wonka.

I even remember like what side of the bed I was on.

Yeah, we would sleep like Willy Wonka.

And Olivia had like like it wasn't a twin-sized bed, but it was like a

twin.

It was like bigger than a twin, I feel like.

No, I think you just felt that way because you were little and now you're twin size.

And it had like a trundle bed too.

So me and Margaret were always delegated to the trundle, like the two of us on that bed and Jackie and Olivia on the main bed.

But in my memory of this night in particular, the four of us were in the main bed.

I'm not going to say that that is 100% accurate.

That's just how I remember it right now.

Okay, okay.

I believe you were at the foot of the bed with me, but that is not important to the story whatsoever.

Oh, and it just goes without saying, and I'm sure this will be a surprise to nobody.

I have no memory of this night.

Like, I have no idea what you're talking about.

So everyone knows that I loved Backstreet Boys and Olivia loved InSync.

And it divided our house.

It was literally the Trump v.

Kamala of 2005 or however old we were.

It was the 90s.

It was the 90s.

It was the 90s.

However, before Olivia got into InSync, there was a short period where she liked the Backstreet Boys.

Oh, my drama.

Yeah, people don't know this backstory, but like our older cousins love the Backstreet Boys.

So we immediately loved loved the Backstreet Boys, but then Olivia went off and found Insync.

And then like

loyal to the Backstreet Boys, but there was a period that we both loved the Backstreet Boys.

And my favorite was Nick Carter.

Like that really doesn't age well.

But her favorite was Brian from the Backstreet Boys.

Brian Leturno, what's his name?

Mary Kay's son.

Let me also tell you, I don't even know who Brian, like, Brian is a thing we talked about.

I know him.

Brian Lattrell.

Brian Lattrell.

Oh, yeah, I know this guy.

He's cute, actually.

Yeah, you know him from the poster on Olivia's wall.

So Jackie and Olivia also had two competing posters.

They were definitely from like the same exact company.

They like rolled out.

They were huge.

Jackie had the in-sync, the Baxter Boys one and Olivia had the in-sync one.

They both like.

That's not even the posterior.

They both hung above their bed.

Oh.

In Olivia's room for this brief period.

She had like a page ripped out of like a J-14 of just Brian Lattrell's face.

He was like hung above her bed on the wall, like parallel to her bed.

You know, the way that people like hang a picture of Jesus.

just like a little picture, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you guys, and now I'm remembering, okay, go, go, go, yeah.

And I remember, like, we used to talk before we fell asleep, always like, you know, she was always like, just saying, like, older sister stuff, like, she's smarter than us, whatever.

And one night she said, like, I don't know, you're, I don't know what we were talking about.

I'm not even gonna, I'm not even gonna ad lib, I'm just gonna say the facts.

She told us that when she thinks of Brian, she can instantly fall asleep.

We were like, no way.

That's so, we were literally like magic.

Yeah, like magic.

Like, no way, that's like sick.

And so that night, like, she was like, yeah, like, I'll do it.

Yeah.

Show us, show us, show us.

And so

she, like, just didn't talk again.

She just like pretended to be asleep.

Oh my God, she's seriously so funny.

Like, she's an actress.

So funny.

And then, like, I don't know when I like, this has been ongoing for like 20 years.

So I don't know like how long after that I was was like livia remember when you said this right i actually feel like it was when we were in college it wasn't like that far no i think it was like early i think it was like high school i don't even know or i don't know when the argument started but i like called her on having said this once and she says like this is categorically untrue

Okay, and also, then, of course, we had to take it to the next level.

We're like, yeah, maybe we were in high school because we were acting so mature, where we would literally run around the house, like with like fake finger guns, like loading it up, and we would like fake shoot each other.

We'd be like, Brian, and then the person you would shoot would just fall asleep.

Seriously, we tortured her with it.

Like, no wonder why she denies it.

We're so fucking annoying.

We torture her with it.

She's so fucking funny.

Read her statement one more time.

Just to bookend the entire story with her statement.

Her statement is:

quote, this story is categorically untrue.

Now, it's up to you, the people, to decide what you're doing.

Dearly reader, to interpret that as you like, receive it

as you will.

And the thing is, it has no consequence, like whether she said it or not.

I just don't know why I would make that up.

For Olivia's next birthday, we should get her a cameo from Brian Luttrell.

1,000.

And she'll watch it like this.

She'll fall asleep.

She'll miss the whole thing.

Oh, my God.

That is seriously so funny.

We would literally, like, with a Glock,

Brian.

Oh my God, so fun taking trips down memory lane.

It is.

We've been taking a lot recently.

We're just feeling nostalgic.

Do you also feel like as you get older, like your mind opens up like earlier parts of your life?

You know, I'm so bad at my memory, but weirdly, like, so many things have been coming back to me, like the senior play.

Well, that didn't like, it's not like a repressed memory that you didn't know.

No, but I never ever think about it.

Like, same with Korach.

Korach, yeah.

I guess, but maybe as you experience like different things, then you are reminded of a time when.

That's beautiful.

That's beautiful.

That's beautiful, really.

Maybe when you experience different things, you're reminded of a time when.

And the passage of time is significant to her.

And by the way, I will miss the Kamalaisms.

Like, I really, really will.

Like, we had so much fun with her experience.

So much fun.

I will really, really miss her laugh.

Like, that, it actually brought a lot of joy to me.

Of course, existing in the context of all in which you live, do not come.

Like, I will miss all of that like greatly.

Hopefully she's still churning them out, you know?

Yeah.

We do like oddly have a lot to do and we're like dilly dallying.

No, there's a story I really want to talk about.

Me too.

So now, and we have deer toasters, which is like everyone is sat for that.

Without further ado, to do to do, here are the fast five stories that you need to know.

And the fast five stories that you need to know are brought to you by Sonos, specifically the Sonos Ace new headphones that Jackie and I have been loving.

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Our first story is like really big, crazy news.

And that is that Dave Portnoy and Josh Richards have dropped a music video called Smallest Man, and it is a diss track about Zach Bryan in defense of Brianna La Paglia chicken fry.

So let me say this.

I got tagged in this like a hundred times and I'm going to be honest with our audience.

I feel like they owe that.

Like I rolled my eyes.

I was like, I don't care.

I thought it was like a Taylor Swift cover.

Like I thought they were just like being cringy.

Then I got tagged in it so many times this morning.

I was like, let me just watch it.

And I watched a full five minutes.

And let me tell you, like, I laughed.

First of all, the production quality was actually very good.

And I was really surprised by the lyrics.

It's five minutes and 20 seconds.

So it's like a really long diss track where they talk about a lot of things.

And I thought that the like the rhymes and the actual lyrics were really, really well done.

Like that was my first impression.

I was shocked.

Yeah, we actually i want to pull up a transcription of the lyrics because um they're not bull ray yeah they're not surface lyrics no no and and we've been saying this the whole time because anytime josh or dave say anything about zach bryan i think a lot of people wonder like if brianna

sanctions it and it's my impression i have no proof of this i just assume like everything that gets put out by bffs like is approved by brianna so i feel like there's actually a lot like quite a few big revelations in in this

song

that perhaps we didn't know.

And I know you don't know this, but there's like big like lore on TikTok about what happened at Fenway.

So basically, Noah Khan

sold out Fenway like two nights in a row and it was like the biggest deal.

And he had like special guests and Zach Bryan was supposed to be there one night and he didn't show up.

And there was like a lot of conspiracy theories about what happened at the time.

I think Noah, Zach, Brianna, everybody was like, oh, scheduling, you know?

But everybody sort of knew there was something more.

And in the song, they allude to the fact that he was literally too drunk to go to Fenway.

Yeah.

And they accuse him pretty heavily of being an alcoholic.

Yeah, they actually said, you don't have a drinking problem.

Alcohol has a you problem.

He also talked about how he has STDs and that he's giving every girl that he's with STDs, which is very personal and also probably very personal to Brianna.

But

when I watched this track, I was clutching my pearls.

This man is a dirty dog.

But for everything that he did, and for them to get to this level of like, they're two huge stars.

Like, they have so much influence.

Like, they have to spend the time and the energy and the money to write this song and do this in defense of Brianna.

Like, what he did to her, there's, and I believe that there's more stuff in terms of like the cheating that we don't know.

Like, this is an awful person.

Oh, 100%.

But I also do think that, like, this has been very good for the BFF's pod just in terms of like clicks.

And, and I do think they got to a place where, like, when they first, I remember when they first launched a show, like, every episode they would premiere on YouTube, there would be like hundreds of thousands of people waiting and watching.

And I feel like they kind of fell off a little bit in the sense that, like, they all, Josh is West Coast, Dave, stayed in, and they were all remote the entire time.

And I feel like they kind of got to a place where, like, maybe

it just wasn't as popping.

So, I do think them leaning into this is actually really good for the business of podcasting, and people are loving it.

So, I think it's part they feel like really defensive of Brianna, but I also think like this is good for business.

Yes, but they could have just done like a podcast episode that they were going to do.

They said the new episode drops tomorrow at 8 p.m.

and like dragged him, and that would have been like an

is so emblematic of like what he deserves and like how he must have treated her because like this is above and beyond anything, any standing up for anyone that like I've ever seen.

Like I was in shock.

The STD thing was really crazy because it wasn't something they said one or two times.

They said it like 15 times in different ways.

Like, so that's just a crazy fucking thing.

How lucky is Brie to be free of ZB and his STDs?

They also said something really interesting was that his entire band hates him.

Yeah.

You guys have to watch it for yourself.

I can't even remember.

There's no, it's not on AZ lyrics yet, so I can't read the transcription for you.

But like every line, also, who wrote this song?

It's one of the better diss tracks I've ever heard.

That's what I'm saying.

Like it wasn't, except I do have to say, like, and this is, I don't know Dave Porter personally, the man has no rhythm.

Like he was so off.

And Josh Philip.

Josh literally carried the group.

Josh ate.

Like, but and Dave, some people just don't, it's hard for me to even relate because I have perfect pitch and like perfect rhythm, but he has like no sense of rhythm that he was like off the whole time.

It was bothering me so much, but I looked past it.

It was very well done.

Like, I completely agree.

The actual song, I was really surprised

at

how good it was.

Yeah.

Like, and they really, and it wasn't short.

It was over five minutes long and they just didn't stop.

New accusations, new allegations.

Like, really,

they had a lot of material.

Yeah, they came for his art.

They came for his looks.

They came for his height.

His

Is he really 5'5?

No way.

I think so.

That's really crazy.

Yeah.

Yeah, people are kind of hung up on that.

I mean, it's shockingly short.

No, it says he's 5'11 on celebheights.com.

So they were being dramatic.

Really?

Yeah.

I don't think.

I don't know.

It says he stands approximately six feet.

Maybe he's been like lying to everyone, you know?

Yeah, to celebheight.com.

Yeah.

Maybe, yeah.

Anyways, I think I'm going to tune into that podcast.

Oh, I for sure am.

The way I become obsessed with Brianna Lepaglia, like I

stan.

Yeah.

And when they first broke up, I was kind of bummed.

I mean, I wasn't, like I said on the show, like, you know, that's like sad.

However, it seems as though she like has really been suffering in this relationship.

So I'm glad that she's free.

For the best.

And it is, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And there's also like a lot of lore.

I'm not as familiar with lore.

There's like drama between the two co-hosts, like her and her plan Brie co-host Grace.

I feel like a lot of that is like exacerbated by the internet.

They might be onto something, but like I'm not going to make any sort of judgments until they speak for themselves.

Yeah, they mentioned it in the music video.

Oh, yeah, Zach came between Brie and Grace.

Yeah.

Well, and I also feel like a boyfriend does come between, like, sometimes in like a totally healthy, like non-problematic way, like a boyfriend comes in between best friends because like you, you only have so much time and you now have more time to do that.

Right.

And you used to have like sleepovers with your best friend, but now you're just having sleepovers with your boyfriend.

But now this points to like something even more insidious because we also know know that like he tried to keep her away from like her job and Dave.

And so maybe he did drive a wedge between her and Grace.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, the way I hate this man, and I'm like so proud of myself.

Like I never hopped on the train like you guys.

Sorry.

No, it's not even that I'm proud of myself because I didn't do anything to like, you know, I didn't take any moral stance, but I'm actually just relieved that I don't have to like unlike his music because I don't like it or listen to it.

We don't have to celebrate celeb.

Celebrate?

Separate the art from the artist.

No, we don't.

So that's just like really convenient for us.

Considering it came so so close, like he's country singer.

Like as they said in the song, he's got Morgan Wallen vibes.

Like I don't even know why I wasn't listening to his music.

I just didn't.

Maybe you saw something in him that others didn't.

Like an inauthenticity that Dave and Josh are singing about.

1,000%.

Like I think this is going to be really bad for his career, which is so crazy that like these like handful of like, you know, ragtag influencers are going to take down this like huge artist.

Do you really think so?

Like I feel like

as a rock star, a man rock star, like there are so many, you're not held to the same standards as normal, decent human beings.

Like you just because you're a quote rock star like you can get away with like cheating spreading stds it's just like part of the lifestyle bro like who's who's holding you accountable like your male followers no no but it's not even about the cheating because yeah that's like what rock stars do but there was just like so much in this song that like speaks to just such like a bad character and like that yeah alcoholism and and the lying i don't know i feel like This is going to be like a big stain for him that people are always just going to associate him with like this behavior.

I don't know.

Plus, plus, plus, the podcast podcast hasn't even dropped you up.

Brianna hasn't even spoken.

Yeah, no, and the way I'm sat the fuck down for that.

Sat with a bucket of chicken fries.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Bucket oh chicken.

I'll ask Olivia to make that for me.

Yeah, you should.

Except it's tomorrow, so like I wish it was today.

That's kind of like what we need today.

Today needs a little something.

Like my birthday can't carry the whole country.

It's so true.

My God, like do we not do enough?

Are you ready for our next story?

Kristen Cavallari also wants to carry the country with all the tea that she's spilling on her podcast.

You know what?

Is this about Brittany?

No, because like I just don't know how to tell people like Brittany, it's just like doesn't interest me.

Yeah, well, basically, she, Brittany Spears saw a clip of Kristen Cavallari's podcast and then had her publicists reach out to Kristen Cavallari for her phone number and has been like texting Kristen Cavallari.

But yes, this other part's more interesting.

This other part about her dating life, like she is talking about what the future holds, what she's looking for in her podcast, Let's Be Honest.

So she is looking for someone who's had a vasectomy, she says.

She said that her perfect man is 44 with about two kids who are headed off to college and who's had a vasectomy and not interested in other kids.

So all of this is like giving a window into her past relationship.

Right.

Kind of like a confirmation that that's what did them in.

She said, you want to know what's a deal breaker for me?

I want someone who's had a vasectomy.

I don't want to have to worry about any of that shit.

She said, I'm not on birth control.

I was on birth control from fucking 15 until 23.

So she said, I think dads are the ones who've obviously had vasectomies.

Like no one without kids is going to have a vasectomy.

Yeah, yeah.

So

she further explained why she's interested in dating a dad.

She said, ideally, his kids would be a little bit older, so I don't have to deal with the day-to-day because I can't have a Brady bunch.

She later confessed her perfect guy would be someone who's 44, successful, has two kids going off to college, vasectomy.

Also, she does not want to date a celebrity.

She said that people have been in her DMs like since the breakup, like and big names too, who even three years ago, she might have been like, ooh, I'll go out with them.

But now she wants a businessman bow.

She wants the quiet life she said she's never putting her relationship on social media again like she did in the past and that people will not have access to her next relationship and then she also said that the next person that she dates like will be her husband like she wants to she doesn't want to date like she wants to be married she wants to get married again yeah

Okay, well, I feel like she's talking about literally someone, like we know.

She's being so specific, like 44, two kids headed to college.

Like, but if it's not a celebrity or even like a famous business person, then we might not know them.

Yeah.

She is sort of seeing someone now, she said.

Oh, how old is she?

She is 37.

Okay, so 44 is like super age appropriate.

Yeah.

I love that for her.

She, like, I feel like my relationship with Kristen Cavalieri is like for so many years, because when I watched that show, like, she was the devil.

She was coming for El C.

And like, I was fiercely protective of Elsie.

And I feel like I carried that like image of her into my adult life up until like a couple of years ago where I was like, it's literally fake and it's not real.

And it's 100 years ago.

Like, let it go.

Yeah.

Forgive her, eternity.

No, it's so true.

And I think maybe it was like last year or the year before, I watched the first season of Laguna Beach.

And it's just like not at all how you remember it.

It's like she was just trying to have fun.

Okay.

She was just trying to have fun.

And like, yeah, she was cool and pretty and she'd have to hang out with the older guys and like the older girls hated her for it, but like you would do it too for a check, you know?

Yeah.

Not even for a check.

Yeah.

I like,

I, I had, like, I had to let go of a long time.

I had to unlearn.

I had to unlearn.

And I like her so much now.

She's so funny.

And I like that she like has a podcast and she doesn't take herself so seriously.

And she really did, like, made a really nice life for herself after that show in terms of like having her own business and family.

And I really like her.

Me too.

I find her just like interesting.

I think she has a really good personality.

She's always making news with her podcast.

And she has

a warm family life.

And she's always cooking.

And she just does a lot.

And she's someone that I like following.

I've followed her forever.

I think she's one of my like earliest follows that like hasn't gone away.

Like I really like her.

It feels like I'm betraying like an 11-year-old man.

Like I feel, does anybody else like feel that crazy way?

Like, I can't.

Like, it's Elsie for life.

Yeah, no.

And she was so the devil.

Like, I hated her so much.

Meanwhile, I rewatched it.

Like, she didn't even do anything that crazy.

Yeah.

No.

She just like

she was just like, she just knew she was that bitch.

And like, she acted like it.

And when you are that bitch, like, you're really not supposed to act like it.

And honestly, when I re-watch some of these episodes, like, Elsie kind of came off as like a big dope.

Fabinissana.

Fibissana Punem, like, always woe is me.

Like, Steven, Steven, come over to the hot hot tub like and honestly half of what LC had going for her was that her parents were so rich like that was like kind of it that house that house and in season one they're like building the house so she keeps bringing Steven over to like the construction site and it's just and did he like skate in the pool yeah yeah it was like a skate park for him she just rested a lot on that house I mean

it's a lot to rest on I know I do too However, in hindsight, yeah, like she.

As 16-year-olds, we found that impressive.

But now I'm like, no, Kristen was beaming with personality.

And the show is like from her point of view, like we're meant to feel sympathetic towards her.

But yeah, watching it now, it's like, she's kind of a nag.

And like, what did we hate Kristen for so much?

Like, when they all went to Mexico and it's like, Kristen's like, they're calling her like a slut and she's like dancing on the tables.

Like, she's having fun.

Like, Lauren and the other girls are like so Miz in the corner, like, judging everyone in their miniskirts.

Like, stop.

Yeah.

So it's funny how life changes, you know?

It is funny how life changes.

So put her at the top of the list per usual

of eligible singles.

Of course.

Are you ready for our next story?

Someone who did try to make Election Day about her and she was brutally rebuffed.

Who?

Miss one Reba McIntyre.

Oh my God, guys, Reba's getting kind of canceled.

Reba McIntyre has the entire internet roasting her for sharing a photo of her red hair with folks saying she's focused on the wrong thing today.

So apparently yesterday was National Redhead Day and she posted two photos of her hair, one with a long haircut and one with a short hair.

And she said, long or short, either way, I love being a redhead.

Hashtag National Redhead Day.

Now,

this bothered people for two reasons.

One, people were like, listen, lady, not the time or place.

Two, a lot of people thought it was a subliminal endorsement.

Red.

People were looking for subliminal endorsements all day from celebrities yesterday, like based on their emojis.

So I don't think Reba was doing that.

I'm pretty sure Reba has like a six-person content team who at the beginning of the year like schedules out content for like National Margarita Day, National Bread Day, National Redhead Day, not realizing like that November 6th would coincide with the election.

Like I truly think this post has been in queue for months.

I don't think Reba meant anything by it.

Reba's my girl.

I'll defend her to the death.

So obviously I'm biased, but I don't think she had any ill will with this post.

I don't think she had any ill will.

And I'm actually going to challenge you on that because like, so there was an election.

Why can't we also celebrate National Redheads Day?

Like, why can't two things be true?

And like, what, we should just skip the day?

What else are Redheads going to lose?

It's true.

It's true.

As a minority, I could see that.

And it's not like other people weren't posting other things other than the election day yesterday.

Yeah, but for some reason, like people really just took all their frustration.

Maybe it was that.

I think it's misguided.

I think

one person said like, Reva, it's not the time.

And then everyone like jumped on it, like the word moist.

And it's like, maybe maybe it is the time

well the other thing is that and i've seen like a lot of people having like this discourse online like influencers being like you know i feel so weird about like posting my regular content and like ads and stuff it's like well everybody else has to go back to work so do you like yeah i i i feel like you know people don't also acknowledge like as a celebrity part of your job is to maintain those social media pages and constantly feed them with content and mindless and she's not when national redhead day is right but like moronic national blank day posts like are a part of a, when you get to a certain level of celebrity, like this is what your content strategy is.

And so what, Reba shouldn't show up for work because there's elections?

Like.

Yeah.

She's got bills to pay.

And not that this tweet is really paying her bills, but I don't know.

It's moving the needle in the sense that we're talking about

her hair campaign.

Correct.

Even though with the backlash, I doubt she'll be the face of Garnett Fruktis after this.

Yeah.

Though her hair does look great.

I just want to say it was all in good fun.

It was very funny.

Two photos are, and also just like long or short.

I love the, it's like so fucking random.

So random and like so devoid of like seriously everything going on in the world.

Like it was funny.

I actually but in that way like it's perfect.

I agree.

And like can't we just have nice things and like Reba's Instagram is one of them.

Like it's so unoffensive.

Like it's you, it's unifying.

What did we like the short or the long hair better actually?

You know, I recently.

It's so different.

I recently re-watched Reba and she goes through a huge hair transition on the show.

Like when she starts out, she basically is a buzz cut.

And then by the end of the show, her hair is like down to her shoulders.

Like it really,

I think I liked it somewhere in the middle.

You know, the short was really short.

She really has a pixie cut in the beginning and it's too short.

But then by the end,

she has like, you know,

her hair is like too long.

I liked it somewhere in the middle.

If she's really wanted to know,

she should have posted a third picture.

She should have posted the poll option.

Yeah, she should have.

That's a vote.

Yeah.

Worth making

that a ballot worth casting.

Just so funny.

I want to thank Reba for the chuckle.

I want to thank Reba for the chuckle.

Thank you to this Reba.

Thank you to this Reba.

However, in both pictures, she's like looking down.

Like, I actually can't see what the hair looks like.

Okay, in both pictures, she's looking down.

I'm actually glad you brought that up because it looks like one of those commercials for like hair regrowth where they like make you take a picture of your scalp before and after.

That's what this looks like.

Yeah, I do feel like her hair looks healthier in this short.

Maybe like she's gearing up for like a NutriFall partnership or something because that's what this feels like.

If I were in the marketing team at Neutrifall, like my first call today is Reba.

1,000%.

And like I want the ad up today.

I'm literally whitelisting this piece of content.

And be like, listen, Reba, they want it long.

Like you're going to start sharing your Neutrifold journey.

Yeah.

Just free marketing.

Just a couple of ideas.

Are you ready for our next story?

Yes.

Adele is genuinely sad about the end of her Las Vegas residency.

She said, the show has been my best friend.

So after two successful years, Adele is genuinely sad about the nearing of the end of her Las Vegas residency.

On Sunday, she looked ahead as she realized there's less than a month until her final shows take place.

She said, this really is the beginning of the end.

There are no other fucking ones.

I'm not shutting down for a year.

I know, but like, now it's the end.

She said,

now it's a month.

She said, I'm not going to be like surprised.

This is the end.

Right.

She is

saying that the show has been her best friend.

She said, my life is 1,000 times better.

My life, not my career, not my music.

I'm talking about my actual life.

And I really, truly think that the show has been my best friend throughout all of that.

Yeah, well, not to make everything about me, and I feel like I've told this story before, but when I went, she talked about how she loves doing this residency so much because it provides her with a level of stability as like a mom and a human being that you really don't get as like a touring musician.

Like you're never home.

And so she lives in LA.

She comes to Vegas.

She flies private, what is it, 30 minutes on like Thursdays and she goes back on Sundays.

Like it's really provided her a level level of just kind of normalcy very like nine to five energy that she has loved so much like watching her son grow up and it's actually been really sweet so i really believe her when she says she's gonna be sad although things like this when you're at like she's not retiree like she she these things like this can't go on forever unless you are like celine dion like you're in this later season yeah but it could like go on forever if she wanted it to so she obviously like loves it so much but like not enough to keep doing it no I think it's because she still has like albums to release and like tours to go on.

She's not done yet.

Yeah.

But she said she's like taking 15 years off music.

She's like always saying stuff.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

And I feel like she does take like 15 years off and then time flies.

Right, the next album is going to be 47.

And it'll be like, okay, I'm sad.

I'm older.

And I'm sad.

I'm older.

I

highly recommend if anyone can make it to a show.

It's so beautiful.

And I do feel like I, as a human being, I have officially moved on from those canceled first shows.

Like, I feel like that was something we did not stop talking about, wondering about, questioning, conspiracy theorizing, the pool and the fireworks.

And,

you know, having went, I still don't understand why she couldn't get it done, but

I feel like she's really made up for it.

Like it's clear, like she wanted to do it.

She kept extending.

And I feel like the people who were affected by that cancellation like have recovered.

Yeah.

And if they can forgive, so can I.

Yeah.

So I just want to say, like, I make an official decree, like how I've, how I officially, like Kristen Cavalieri now, like, I officially am over the Adele first round of residency cancellations.

So much much so that like we're not gonna bring it up again?

Because I feel like that's when like you really like when you're really over something like you just leave it in the past.

Yeah, I feel like I won't bring it up.

Okay.

I'm down.

Especially if the residency ends, like why would I be bringing it up?

Yeah.

Well, I, yeah, she wouldn't be in the news if she's just like being private.

I actually had forgotten about it until we were doing that like toast peak drown about our old titles.

I'm like, oh my God, remember when that was the biggest, craziest thing?

And it's actually like not that crazy.

Like, it was just crazy that she did it the night before.

Like, the concept of canceling and like wanting to push it back is not a big deal.

But now I'm talking about it again.

But yeah, I said I wouldn't.

And here I am.

We're heretofore dropped.

Are you ready for it?

Consider it China.

Consider it China.

She looks well.

I am,

there are very few people I am as happy for as I am for Angela.

I feel like she doesn't even go by black China anymore.

She goes by her government name.

She got all the filler from her body removed.

She removed all of her tattoos.

She stopped drinking.

She's sober.

She is like much more of an active mom.

She has found Christ.

like i think it's seriously watching her journey and you can tell you look at her she looks so healthy i'm so happy for her i am rooting for her so hard from the sidelines i'm not like leaving comments on her instagram you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah are you ready for our fifth and final story

oh no oh my god sorry is it the fifth and final story that's brought to you by minted yes whether you're decorating your home throwing a party or sending love through the mail minted offers unique design forward stationery art and home decor designed by independent artists from all around the world so when it comes to holiday cards minted Minted is for the Swirlies.

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Oh, paper stock is a little thin.

Yeah.

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We're just, we're being judgy.

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Our fifth and final story, a little more podcast news.

Let's just shout out to the podcasters who are keeping the country going this week.

That is something I actually meant to bring up at the top of the episode.

That the election season was long and whatever, but it's really been very interesting to watch podcasting, which has been, we know, like an important medium for us, but to see it really be taken so seriously and have such an impact on people.

I was very proud to be a podcaster.

I was too.

And I'm shocked that Trump won, even though he didn't come on the toast.

I mean, it's insane because obviously we're so influential.

That he was able to cinch it.

It's true.

It's true.

Without the toaster constituency.

Oh, man.

I'm going to miss these jokes, Turk.

I'm going to miss them.

To be honest, I'm not.

I feel like we are just skirting around landmines these days.

Like, I will not miss

everyone's sort of tense shells.

Everyone's tense energy.

And, like, I get it.

There's a lot at stake.

But the tense energy of just trying to make people laugh, I will not miss that at all.

Yeah.

But we've had a good time.

No, we have.

We really have.

We've made it our own.

We've made it about us, which is all you can expect from swirlies like ourselves.

We've really made it our own.

Yeah.

As best as we could, in only a way that we can.

However, Teddy Mellencamp, she is actually the Erica Girardi of this election cycle.

It's so true.

The Real House was at Beverly Hills and the presidential elections are inextricably linked.

It makes you think.

It does make you think.

So she is speaking out on her podcast after filing for a divorce.

Speaking out, I don't know about speaking out, but she's speaking, period, because Tamra on their podcast, Two Teas in a Pod, Tamara asked Teddy how she's doing after announcing the divorce.

She said, I'm doing all right.

She said, at this point, I'm obviously only going to share what I shared on social media.

And I just am trying, I don't even know how to say this eloquently, but I'm just trying my hardest to make sure that my kids' privacy is protected right now and that we're able to have all these conversations.

I just didn't want it to blow blow up.

And for anybody that's curious why I would have posted it, posted a statement, it's because when your name is recognizable and you file in the court system, it becomes public.

And then Tamar chimed in to discourage people from literally so something I would say.

Like, you guys wanted to know why I brought this up as a celebrity.

But it's true.

I mean, her last name could it be more recognizable?

No, it's true.

And there are people whose jobs it is at TMZ to like sit, literally look through LA County court docs to see what the celebrities are up to, whether they're being sued, they're getting divorced, they're getting married, somebody died.

Like, that's literally how they find out.

Yeah.

And like a melon camp can't just slip through the cracks.

Oh, I always forget about like the legacy beyond real house ties in Beverly Hills, John Coogs.

Yeah,

so Tamar noted this is a very sensitive subject, and Teddy said, Yeah, and I know I'm going to keep working on feeling my best so that I can show up for the best for my kids and my life and my work.

I mean, that's the biggest thing for me right now.

Got a little fame from Jack and Dian

to American kids growing in the hot land.

I think that's Tom Petty.

Jackie's gonna be, oh my God, are you kidding me, Jackie?

Like, seriously, stop.

It's not.

Are you sure?

Jackie's gonna be a football star.

Funny.

Diane sitting in the back of Jackie's car.

Jackie, it's John Cougar Mellencamp.

Everybody knows that.

Jack and Diane, Jack and Doug.

Okay, you're right.

You're right.

You're right.

Of course I'm right.

And I only know that because Luke Homes covered that song.

And then one day I was like, maybe I should listen to the original.

And the OG slaps.

I just want to say, has anyone ever seen John Mellencamp and Tom Petty in the same room?

Just saying.

I don't think they have because I'm pretty sure Tom Petty's dead.

Like, just don't quote me on that.

They're the same person.

Actually, I don't see that at all.

Like, if I were to say, John Cougar is like.

Well, I got to add the Cougar always.

That's his name.

No, I know, but like, you could say it without it.

Like, I could, but that.

Oh, you want to know why?

Because there's that Keith Urban song.

John Deere, John Cougar.

John 316.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's why I say it.

Because of Keith Urban.

John Deere, John Cougar, John 316.

That's not the tune.

Football stuff.

That song is so good.

And then also, Jake Owen, the country music star, did like a...

He did like a cover of Jack and Diane.

He did a cover.

He like

extrapolated it.

Yeah.

And that's actually how I first discovered the song.

Of Jack and Diane?

Yeah, like, because it's a million years ago.

Somebody showed me that song.

Laugh goes on.

Long after the thrill of living

and sky.

See, I knew you would know that one.

What?

No, I knew the song in my bones.

I just thought it was Tom Petty in the Heartbreakers.

Well, you would be wrong.

Up, Claudia.

Let's give it one more shot.

Okay.

Okay.

And I just want to say, based on our results yesterday, like we actually, like, were

so equally off both times.

Yeah, we did.

Based on our results, you would have thought it was a tie.

We didn't predict the election.

Okay.

I'm going to try to do something different than I did yesterday.

You go a little high.

I'm staying where I am.

Can you bring yours down a little bit?

No, this is it.

You think this is it?

Crushed it?

This is what we're sending to the American people today.

Is it love or is it heartbreak?

We won't know.

Okay.

It's time for Dear Toasters on the advice segment where Jax and I try to give our best, do our best to give advice to the swirlies in need.

If you ever want to write into us, you know, you can do that.

It's two different ways.

One, if you head to the toastpodcast.com, you scroll down, there's a little Dear Toaster submission box, totally anonymous.

If you want to send us an email, you can do that.

It's deartoas at gmail.com.

Here's what the swirlies are currently getting into.

And godspeed to the swirlies.

Hello, Jax and Turd.

Hello.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years.

We live together.

We're in a very serious relationship.

We often talk about getting married.

So naturally, like many women, I went on Pinterest to find a ring style that I liked.

When I showed it to him, thinking it would be like a cute moment, he said, I'll get whatever ring I want because I'm the one proposing and you don't get any say.

Basically saying, like, I should just be grateful to get a ring at all.

And it really upset me because every girl's dream is her wedding ring.

Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Should I just be grateful that he's talking about proposing at all?

Hell.

I just feel like there's a nicer way to say it.

And I mean, that it just speaks to a potentially larger issue.

Is this the first out-of-pocket thing he ever said to you?

Well, then there might be something deeper.

Like maybe he has a family heirloom and he's like trying to like make it seem good to you.

But there, I am,

the overall sentiment of like, I want to pick out the ring that I want for you.

Like, I, I don't hate however, especially if there's an heirloom in the mix.

However, like, why did he say it like that?

This is one of those situations where it's really hard not to just jump to pushing the button, break up with your boyfriend.

Like, because he sounds like an ass.

Now, maybe you just wrote it that way, like for brevity's sake, and that's not exactly what he said.

Or perhaps you're really used to being spoken to like this.

And I'm here to tell you, like, anyone who speaks to you like that, like, is not your man.

Like, that is not your, your husband.

So I, let's, let's discuss this as if she did accurately translate what he, like, this is exactly what he said.

Like, he's a piece of work, and he's probably a piece of work in other areas, and he's a problem.

Then he's got a problem.

I'll get whatever ring I want because I'm the one proposing and you don't get any say with a quote.

So, I mean, there's a quote.

Is there a nice way of saying, I'll get whatever wing I want and you don't have any say.

And Jackie, even if like he does, you know, really want to surprise her and yada, yada, someone coming to you with like a picture, like, okay, say, like, okay, cool.

What if he already bought the ring and this was him like being defensive and nervous?

So I would have to know the person, right?

Like, so you need to read the situation.

Like, is this a frequent way of him communicating?

Because then that's an issue.

It was this totally out of the blue.

Yeah, then maybe like you like made him nervous and he has the thing in his pocket.

Like, that's possible.

And I just want to say the idea that a man would buy a ring without input from his enfiance and it's his, it's like he's going to take the lead on it.

I, it's not my preferred method, but I don't hate it.

Yeah, I mean, it's, I don't have a preference either way.

I just, my concern is like how you're being spoken to

by your man.

Like.

yeah.

Because then the concept in general, if she doesn't get say over her ring and it's something every girl dreams of, her wedding ring.

I don't think that that has to be that way is what I'm saying.

About just that.

I guess if I had a preference, like, you know, you,

I mean, some people really genuinely want to be completely surprised.

So if you want that, like, you can't have say in your ring.

No, but she doesn't, she wants to have say in her ring, but what do you think about a man who's like, I want to get you?

I'm picking this out for you.

It's my token of my love for you.

Like, I'm like.

What are you, a girl?

Like, it's our thing off like is it our thing that's i feel like that's kind of the new thing men used to like surprise prose to women all the time no like back in the day they didn't surprise propose it was all heirlooms like now rings are so customizable right everybody has like a shape that they like and a band that they like and they like halos like no you can't compare it to back in the day because most jewelry was like passed down you didn't have a choice like now it's such an industry and everybody like it's a thing you're like kind of raised to like have a dream ring and a dream wedding like i think a man who's insisting on him designing and choosing it like okay why

i don't like that

especially like it should be up to the girl like if she wants to have a say then she gets a say if she doesn't want to have a say and she wants to be genuinely surprised like he can go ask her mom or her friends you know

it better i think this i i think like the real issue here is the communication not the ring and so i i feel like maybe you needed someone to tell you that like that's a really like um gross way to be spoken to, especially about something so joyful.

Yeah.

So I would look into that, honestly, before anything else.

All right, hey.

Hey, Gargie Pargi girls.

I need some help with an awkward situation I experienced this week.

I go to bed quite early because of my work schedule.

My boyfriend whom I live with goes to bed much later than me.

The other night, I was trying to sleep and I kept hearing a strange noise.

I tracked it to our garage and when I opened the door, I found my boyfriend sitting there singing extremely loud.

Obviously, I startled him, but he got so weird about it.

I kept asking what he was doing, and he finally told me that sometimes he just feels like singing, and he doesn't want to wake me up, so he does it in the garage.

Is this strange behavior?

Am I the one being weird about it?

it i also like to sing and he has a great voice but singing in the garage at night is weird right thanks girlies love you it's weird and cute and it could either be by the way it's not weird marry this man like the cutest most pure hobby or like

you could you know it could be not not good no i'm sorry this is really sweet like he's obviously embarrassed that like singing is something he like has a passion for because like that's you know in this day and age what are you troy bolton you know it's like what are you gay like that's what you say about boys who sing like so he's been a man He has been, you know, beaten down by the patriarchy, and he has to hide his feelings.

And I'm sorry, this man is so sweet.

If you don't marry him, I will.

I love him.

It's sweet.

It is sweet.

And by the way, it's also considerate.

Like going into the garage, you're asleep.

And you know what?

If I had a partner who went to bed at like six o'clock and I didn't go to bed till like 10, like, I'll be so bored.

Yeah, I might start singing in the garage, too.

That's really cute.

No, I love it.

As long as he's not like covering up for something else, you know.

Yeah, but she, she caught him.

Like, if he was covering up, if he was, you you know, burying a body, he would be, he was singing.

So it's so cute.

I actually could cry.

It's so cute.

I love him.

I have, for the first time, I have nothing bad to say about your man.

Like, marry him.

Yeah.

And encourage him to come out of the garage.

Like, why can't he sing during the day?

Why doesn't he sing in the middle?

Encourage him to sing in the light.

Yeah, let him know it's okay, and you love to hear his voice.

I love that.

That's that's

me to feel like he has to sing in the garage.

Yeah, you should like.

Shut him up for an open mic.

Yeah, this is his dream.

What's his dream?

To sing in the garage?

Sign him?

No, to like sing.

So sign him up for like an open mic at a local pub.

Yeah.

Help him.

No, I love him so much.

Like we need to, like, whenever a man has like a sweet hobby, like we need to like harness and protect that.

Yeah.

Except for that guy last week who wrote it about his husband, like who does stand-up comedy and he stings.

Don't harness.

Don't protect.

Yeah, don't protect.

All right, our third and final.

Hey, girly, swirly, whirly pops.

I'm in a dilemma and I need your help.

I always go to bed before my boyfriend.

He He doesn't come up to bed until hours later and I'm already asleep.

The other night he came to bed and I was still awake.

I was still sleeping here.

Yeah.

The other night he came to bed.

I was still awake just laying there, so he thought I was asleep.

He went on my side of the bed, crouched down, and got on my phone.

I have nothing to hide, so I let him go through it.

It had been over five minutes, so I finally said, what are you doing on my phone?

He replied, I'm just checking to make sure you set your alarm.

I let it go and went to bed, but the next morning I checked my screen time and it showed he was on my messages and my call app for over two minutes each.

I confronted him.

He said it must have been a mistake.

Now I'm wondering how often he's checking my alarm.

Should I keep pushing it or let it go?

Dirty dog.

Dirty dog.

I thought he's checking your screen time.

Icky.

Yeah, checking your alarm.

Are you a boyfriend?

Or a husband?

Boyfriend.

Goodbye.

Yes.

If you don't have trust, you have nothing.

He doesn't trust you.

He doesn't trust you, and now you can't trust him because he boldface lied to you.

He's got to go.

And you know, I'm not the one to push the eject button.

That is

so scary.

He doesn't trust you which is like half of the red flag but the other half is the fact that you confronted him and you straight up lied like you have proof you've got you don't got it sis

sometimes i'll wake up and ben is on my phone like in the middle of the night standing above me and he's always putting the sound machine on ben can't have enough we have the hatch on ben's phone sound machine and then when it's not enough for him sometimes he puts mine on That is crazy.

And that's what wakes me up, like the sudden addition of a new sound machine.

Sorry, that's not crazy that he puts the sound machine on.

I'm back at the

girl, yeah.

Crouching on your phone for five minutes.

And he's also just in the business.

He's in the business of like sneaking around, lying, snooping.

Like all of it is bad.

All of it.

All of it.

How dumb does he think you are?

Unless like he's like, maybe, maybe accidentally sent you a text.

Leaving you love notes.

Maybe he accidentally sent you a text that was like a big surprise about your engagement.

So he went on your phone to delete it.

And then, you know, maybe got a little.

I would go back like a couple of weeks and see if your phone gets screen time while you're asleep any other nights.

Was this the first time or the last time?

Yeah.

Because he won't do it now that he knows you're on to him.

So see if your phone saves your screen time data for like weeks.

See if he.

Unless there's like a good reason for this, like he's planning a surprise party.

He accidentally texted you something.

If he's really like snooping in the middle of the night on your phone, like that's when your relationship is gone.

If you can't trust your party, it's so true.

No, and like you're, you know, you're whispering in dark alleys.

Like, no.

Yeah.

It's bad.

I'm giving this a terminal diagnosis.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

This relationship is cooked.

It's just a boyfriend.

Yeah, it's one of many in your life.

Don't worry about it.

That's our show.

That's your toasters.

If you guys want to write in, please, we would love to hear from you.

Thank you so much for listening to the Toast of the Monday morning show.

We deal the fast five stories you need to know every Monday through Friday on YouTube.

So if you're watching us on YouTube, please feel free to subscribe.

We give this video a thumbs up.

We're also available as a podcast anywhere.

Literally anywhere podcast can be found.

So that's Spotify, iTunes, Stitcher, Public Wide, IRA, RadioCast Box, all the places we've listed in podcasts.

My name is Toasty Five Star.

We have a beautiful sun again.

Ooh,

we can lay down, dude.

We are.

Love ya.

Bye.