S5 Ep50: Capsized Claudia with Ben Soffer: Monday, April 25th, 2022

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Good

morning, millennials.

Welcome back to the morning toast.

Happy Monday.

Hope everyone's having an amazing start to their week.

I am because I'm about to podcast with Ben.

Hey, Ben, how you dern?

I'm dern good.

How you dern?

You dern good.

Dern good.

We are podcasting to you guys live from our friend Brian's Farm.

We've been here all weekend.

We're heading home today because, as you guys know, you saw the schedule on our Instagram.

I'm back in studio tomorrow with Stasi Schroeder.

We've got Taylor Strecker, and of course, we've got Jackie twice.

So it's going to be a good week, but not as good as this day because I'm podcasting with my husband.

My rose is my husband.

It is a great day.

It is a gorgeous farm.

We're currently looking at cherry blossoms.

To my left is a chicken coop.

Yeah.

I'm having some fresh ass eggs.

And like, I learned something very interesting.

Do you know that eggs are multicolored?

Yeah.

Naturally, like they're just green eggs.

Right, we picked up the carton of eggs from the fridge, which come directly from Brian's farm, and we were shook at some of the green ones.

Green eggs, brown eggs, white eggs.

Green eggs and ham.

Interesting.

Maybe Dr.

Seuss was really an advocate of the farm to table industry.

Yeah, it's possible.

Or just like those big-ass farms didn't exist when Dr.

Seuss wrote it.

Yeah, it was, um, and how did the eggs taste to you?

Good.

Yeah.

I made like some bad recipes, so like I didn't end up eating them, but now that I'm thinking about it, like, was it the recipe?

Or was it the eggs?

Was it the chicken?

Or was it the egg?

I think it was the recipe.

I think it was the recipe.

I just like, I don't know.

I woke up and I was like, I want something more.

I don't just want an omelette like

shakshuka.

And I made shakshuka, but like the problem with shakshuka, for those of you that don't know.

It's an Israeli dish.

It's, yeah, it's tomato sauce, onions, peppers, whatever, vegetables, and then sunny set-up eggs.

But the problem is, I don't like sunny set-up eggs.

So why would I make a dish where the centerpiece is something that I don't enjoy?

Yeah.

I don't like a runny yolk.

Runny yolks remind me of like, I don't know, runny yolk.

We've been cooking a lot.

We've been horseback riding.

We've been walking around.

And of course, we went kayaking yesterday, which I'm sure a lot of you already know about since you follow me on Instagram.

And if you don't, very disrespectful.

And I think we should talk about it.

Let's talk about the incident.

It was, it was a scary day.

It started off as amazing.

A really, really nice day, laughing, joking.

We were drinking spritz.

We were each kayaking.

I was nervous.

I'm not a big kayaker, but once I got in the kayak, it really was not bad.

The river flows pretty fast, so you don't really have to paddle.

So I was really enjoying it.

And the river flows,

but then the river changes course.

And the river has different currents.

And honestly, like, at certain points, it can be like a little scary.

So,

you know, just I was, you know, drinking Spritz and I was, my inhibitions were low.

And I'm not blaming Spritz by anyway.

Yeah, I was going to say.

At least if you're going to blame it, give a promo code.

Code Blunge for 15% off.

I was just, I was having fun.

I was getting really comfortable.

And the only bad thing, we go on this river all the time.

Brian lives right by the Delaware River.

So over the summer, we always go tubing, which is so fun, of course, because tubing, you just sit there.

You're in the lake.

So if you have to pee, you basically just pee on yourself.

It's like not a big deal.

But in the kayak, I couldn't pee.

So a couple hours in, I was like, I gotta pee.

And so I was in a duo kayak, a two-person kayak with Pasta Fazul, aka John.

And there was like a little.

like docking area to the left.

You can't just pull over to the side of the river whenever you want.

There has to be specific area.

There was.

There was no, I'm looking at Claudia.

She says that there was a docking area.

There was no docking area.

She went against the current, up to the left into like this, like it was into the woods.

No real docking area.

Okay, no, sorry.

There wasn't a dock, but it was a pull-off area.

It was an approved pull-off area.

Maybe.

So we're fighting against the current, but we're really close.

We're paddling.

We're paddling.

We're paddling.

We're going to make it.

We are going to make it.

Even though the current is trying to pull us the other way.

And before I know it, we're leaning left.

And I think because I I was giving my all to these strokes, like just trying to get us in so I could pee, I

maneuvered my body weight a little too enthusiastically.

And it all happened in slow motion and we just flipped over to the left.

Now, I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but the water is like around 50 degrees.

It's really cold and we were in this current.

So thankfully, we were so close to shore, but like in that moment when I fell in the water, like I couldn't be reasonable.

i was screaming i was so afraid and honestly like ever since the whole i don't do you remember naya rivera from glee yeah do you know how she passed away something similar like in a lake she got caught in a riptide when her and her son were boating so like that was just in my mind and i was freaking out screaming hyperventilating and the water is freezing and i'm trying to grab onto anything like literally anything that will take me i'm and then i grab onto brian's kayak and he's like get the fuck off bitch like you're gonna capsize me too and thankfully somebody threw me an oar and i and i held onto the oar and they pulled me into like the land and

it just doesn't sound dramatic but it really was it was very scary it was very very dramatic it was certainly made a little more dramatic by the fact that you didn't go to land.

You went to Brian's kayak.

I couldn't get to land.

There was such a strong current.

It was just driving me downstream.

No one understands.

You guys were all like, you were being an idiot.

Like, yes, I was, but I didn't have a lot of good options.

I understand.

And everyone is now undermining my trauma.

Like, it wasn't a big deal.

It was.

Not undermining your trauma at all.

We are simply saying that maybe your trauma was made slightly more traumatic by the choices once you entered the water.

Yeah, I will say I learned a lot yesterday.

And one of the major things I learned is that I'm not good in a high-stress panic situation because I just started to hyperventilate.

Like,

like I I'm not good in a crisis it was a scream help moment yeah and we lost everything in our kayak which was so upsetting because I had the music speaker I had a brand new piece of merch that I was like taking pictures on so I could like promote on Instagram the sweatshirt's gone somewhere in the Delaware we lost

thank God our phones were okay because I was wearing my phone in like this waterproof bag around my neck.

It was fine.

So it could have been a lot worse, obviously, for a multitude of reasons.

I'm very grateful.

And I will probably never kayak again in my life, which is just sad that that's the takeaway.

And then you got back in the kayak.

I did.

I did.

You wanted us to

call it a day.

I didn't want us to call it a day.

I was unbelievably confused.

I'm like, why are we pulling over?

Oh, we must be here.

I didn't possibly think that we would be going fighting against the current for you to go to the bathroom.

Well, I was the only girl there and I don't have options like you guys do.

What options differ from what I have to what you have when I'm sitting in a kayak?

I'm not going to pee on myself.

You could whip your dick out and pee in a cup.

I can't pee in a cup.

How what?

What, I'm going to stand up and pee?

No, you don't sit and pee?

No.

You could.

No, you can't sit and pee.

It's just impossible.

No, you literally can just whip your dick out and start peeing.

No.

No.

You can't pee.

But how do you pee the bed?

Like, you can.

It's terrible, though.

You can.

And I didn't bring a bottle.

Nobody brought a bottle or a cup and then we're dumping it in the river.

That's disgusting.

Well, I just want to let you know: like, if you had had to pee, it wouldn't have been such a big deal.

Oh, and I have my period.

So, you know what?

I don't want to hear jack from any of you men, okay?

Okay, it was a hard day for me, and honestly, I was very frazzled when I got home.

Like, I'm still very shook up by the situation.

It was pretty crazy, just because, like, I'm mad at myself for how I handled it, like in the moment.

And I'm also like, just shook that I, I mean, I guess I wasn't at any point like ever in real danger, but like, I was close to it, and I was like upset that I was so close to danger, if if that makes sense.

Moral of the story,

if you do happen to capsize in a kayak your kayak in a river, stay calm.

Look for the sides, see where the shore is and go there.

Do not swim into the water, swim to shore.

Even if the current is picking you up, it's ripping you down, there will always be the opportunity.

to have an area that doesn't have a strong current where you can swim to shore.

In the words of one of my idols, don't take risks on treacherous roads and don't swim in the sea.

I'm glad that journey is behind us, taking lessons we've learned into our new life after.

I'm not going to be the same, so I'm a new person now.

Hopefully you guys can gather that from how mature I am on this podcast.

And we've got a great episode with Ben.

We've got five, I'm not going to lie, very measly stories.

And then we've got Unburdened.

Have you ever done Unburden Yourselves with us?

No.

Do you know what it is?

No.

It's our new segment.

We do it on Mondays.

And we let people write in and just kind of unburden themselves with the embarrassing things they do they've done this weekend that are like plaguing them throughout the week.

Sometimes they're drunk and they fall.

Sometimes they're drunk and they shit their pants.

Sometimes they vomit on someone's dick.

Like it's really, it's touch and go.

So we'll do that at the end of the show, okay?

Okay.

But before that, let's deliver the past five stories that you need to know before you wake up and take a bite out of your morning toast.

Good.

Did I beat the crunch?

You did, but when we do remote podcasts, we don't have the soundboard that we have at the studio.

So I needed someone to do a how.

And you did it.

Oh, so you're saying that I didn't beat the crunch.

I became the crunch.

You didn't beat the crunch because there was no crunch to beat, but you then in turn became the crunch.

I am the crunch.

You are.

Today, you are the crunch.

But you don't really do it very well.

I can do it.

Do it.

Far better.

Do it.

Just say it again.

Out of your morning toast.

No, have you heard the real one?

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

That was.

It's okay.

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All right, first up, we've got some Coachelli news that I know you would particularly care about.

Of course, weekend two happened, same performers, but a lot of the performers brought out different guests.

Harry Styles brought out Lizzo, but Billie Eilish brought out Haley Williams for a misery business performance at Coachella weekend two.

She also then had Haley Williams stay with her to sing her new song.

Um, what's that?

What's it called?

Uh, and I don't talk shit about you on the internet.

You know that song?

Yeah, whose song is that?

Billie Eilish.

Oh, it is?

Yeah, and then she had, it's like her biggest song yet.

So then she had Haley Williams perform that with her too.

But before that, Billy...

Phineas and Haley Williams all sat down on stools and did like an acoustic misery business performance.

And it was kind of everything.

And I'm curious to hear, as you're our resident emo person, how was that for you?

I heard it.

I thought it was amazing, considering I absolutely despise acoustic versions of songs.

It's like, why are you going to come on and play a different version of the song that everybody loves?

Like, I don't want to hear you play the guitar.

No, I get it.

No, but this version was fantastic.

I'm just saying, in general, like I've gone to a third eye blind concert.

Like, I'm listening, trying to listen to third eye blind.

I'm not trying to listen to folksy third eye blind.

I think you're trying to mosh.

I think that certain, I hear what you're saying.

Like, I don't think punk is a good genre to be doing,

what's the word, acoustic covers,

but this one was good.

Yeah, no, it was really good.

It was lovely.

They both have, I mean, Haley Williams has like the sickest voice in the music industry and like nobody talks about it.

Yeah, it was amazing.

And what I had heard, which I thought was very interesting, is that she retired Misery Business permanently.

from Power More.

They don't sing it anymore.

She doesn't like it.

She said that it doesn't represent the artist that she is today.

So she hasn't sung it in a very, very long time.

And she went on stage and she was amazing.

Wait, I didn't know that.

Yes.

But I'm in the business of Mayhis Reina.

Sticking like a tuck.

I have such vivid memories of singing that song on rock band.

Were you a rock band kid?

Yeah, but like

sort of.

I like rock band.

Like I would go to my friend's house and I'd be like, rock band.

And I'd try to play it, but like I didn't own it.

No, and we would all fight over the drums or the vocals.

Obviously, I was always vocals.

And that's where I learned all the words.

I'm in the business of mirrors and raidless stick from the top.

She's got a body like an hourglasses ticking like a duck.

It's a matter of time before it all runs out.

I thought he was mine.

She caught him by the mouth.

I waited in long months and finally set him free.

She told him I couldn't lie, he was the only one for me.

Two weeks and we had set on fire.

Took it out for me, but I wear the biggest smile.

It's such a good song.

Unbelievable song.

One of my favorites, but yeah, she doesn't play it anymore, so it was really, it was a really, really special moment.

And Billie Eilish is.

She is like the Gen Z Haley Williams.

She's also just amazing.

Yeah, she is.

She really is.

And I like want to hate her because, like, who the fuck's brother's name is Phineas?

Like, what?

What is she?

I can only...

There's only one Phineas.

Why would that bother me?

Why would that make you hate Billy?

Because I'm sorry.

You're grouped.

You're grouped.

There's only one Phineas, and that is Phineas and Furry.

There's

So the annual problem for our generation is finding a good way to spend it.

Like maybe I don't know the rest.

Building a rock.

A rock?

Monkey.

And climbing up the iPhone tower.

Discovering something that doesn't exist.

Or giving a monkey a shabana.

People who

comment on our podcast page and leave reviews that this show has too much singing.

Locating Frankenstein's brain.

It's over here.

Maybe a nota bird.

Phineas.

Terrible name.

Yeah, no.

Reserved for Phineas and Ferb.

Agreed.

Deafin is named after Phineas and Ferb.

No, I think he's too old, but it's possible.

You think Phineas and Ferb is named after him?

Yes.

Can we make a petition for Billie Eilish to change her name to Ferb?

Oh my God.

That would be funny.

Right?

So, all in all, Coachella Weekend 2 actually looked really fun.

There was no drama, you know, influencers crying about buses.

So it seemed like a really good weekend, and people were really there for the music.

And next weekend is Stagecoach, which unfortunately had to give my tickets up to because I just, I'm working on my craft for my MSG show.

I just, I didn't think it was wise to be like.

blacking out till the break of dawn for four days in a row.

Which is very, very smart of you.

I know.

And it's so unlike me to be so responsible.

And for everybody that hasn't bought tickets to that show, go to girlwithnojob.com/slash tour and get your tickets for MSG.

It's gonna be the greatest night of our lives.

It really is such an unbelievable show.

And the fact that Claudia is protecting her vocal cords for it means that it will just be an absolute comedic masterpiece.

So, I would get your tickets there.

You guys, I didn't even tell him to say that.

We've trained him so well.

He knows girlwithnojob.com/slash tour.

It's pretty good, right?

Um, let's move on to the second story.

Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson went out for a date night, and they're doing so by honoring what's his name, Jon Stewart.

So, they got all glammed up for the 23rd annual Mark Twain Prize for American Humor.

The show was on Sunday night.

They got dressed up.

They went to D.C.

to support Jon Stewart.

He was honored with the award for lifetime achievement in humor.

Oh my God, you scared me.

What?

You said to honor Jon Stewart.

I thought he died.

I was looking at you.

I'm like, the story isn't that Jon Stewart died?

It's that Pete Davidson and Kim are going to honor him.

Yeah.

I thought he died.

Sorry.

I was like, oh my God, another comedian bites the dust.

No, I'm so sorry.

No, he got the award for lifetime achievement and humor, and it was a star-studded affair.

Steve Corell, Dave Chappelle,

Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, Olivia Munn, Ed Helms, Bruce Springsteen, and of course, Pete and Kim.

And Jon Stewart has been like very vocally

supportive of Pete over the years, especially with the Kanye stuff on his radio show, on Howard Stern's radio show.

He said, you know, I think Pete's doing his best that you can do in this situation when you're dealing with something that's so explosive and loaded.

He added, I just love that kid.

So, of course, Jon Stewart and Pete Davidson are like, you know, supportive kings.

And then Kim was there helping him as well.

I wonder if this is going to be televised because I feel like things at the Kennedy Center are always like really, really star-studded.

And this is like a great, I'm sure a lot of people like performed.

I don't know.

I've never like, I don't understand the Kennedy Center.

Where is it?

TC?

T.C.

So is this story about his award or is this story about Pete and Kim going?

Well, I guess like just a nice little anecdote that I learned from this story is that Jon Stewart received an award.

I'm really here for, you know, Kim and Pete going out.

She wore like a low pony, a bedazzled scoop neck gown.

He appears to be wearing all black.

It's just another photo we got of them.

And if you're as obsessed as we are, that's a lot because we don't get a lot of photos.

I understand.

What I took from this story is that Jon Stewart is not dead.

Right.

That's also an important takeaway.

Which is great.

It's great.

It's wonderful.

It's really great for John.

100%.

And not only is he alive, but he's thriving, getting awards.

He's winning.

He's winning.

I wonder if this will be on Keeping Up.

I mean, we always say that every time, like him and Pete are together.

And honestly, I don't think we're going to get them on Keeping Up for a while.

So it is what it is.

But congrats to John.

You only go on Keeping Up.

Hot take.

You only go on Keeping Up when you're ready for your relationship to be ruined.

Yeah.

It's kind of just like so public.

And fake.

You know, it used to be fake.

I don't mean that like the show is fake.

I mean that it's very, very difficult to actually speak openly and actually be romantic and actually have a relationship on camera because things like that are private.

And their relationship for the most part, besides pictures, is very private.

And I think that's why she's so at peace.

So I would say that they should avoid keeping up for as long as they possibly can if they really want to make it in the long haul.

I'm really impressed by that take.

I totally agree, by the way.

And I think that was extremely

astute.

I really liked that.

Very good.

I love you.

I love you too.

All right, let's move on.

The stories I told you are really bleak, but we're having fun.

Yeah, it's fun.

And I'm sure you're.

Are we talking at all about Twitter?

Well, yes, mostly because I wanted to talk about the documentary we watched about it last year.

Yeah.

So that's not this story, though.

This next story, I'm

fairly certain you're not going to know who any of these people are.

I do.

I do, because I saw it.

Okay, so Tom Schwartz has denied kissing Raquel Levis at Coachella amid divorce.

So for anyone who is up on what's going on in the Vanderprump Rules crowd, there was this rumor floating around.

I think Us Weekly even wrote it up as fact, that that at Coachella weekend one, Tom Schwartz was spotted with Raquel, who is James's ex-fiancé, and that they were like smooching.

And I love Tom.

He just went straight to Twitter and was like, guys, I hate to break it to you, but I wasn't even at Coachella.

So, this rumor that they were, quote, boldly holding hands and making out last weekend is completely false.

Raquel was at Coachella with Sheena, Brock, Ariana, and some of the other, oh, Tom Sandoval, but he was not there making out with Raquel.

But when I heard this, I didn't know.

I don't think I believed it when I heard this rumor, but I kind of ship.

Like, I know that sounds crazy, but it's not the worst thing in the world.

Do you know who these people are?

I do.

I came across this news on Instagram, and I think it was page six also who posted it on Instagram.

And under it, the person whose news it was, like the person who leaked it,

wrote that she never mentioned Coachella.

Oh, the plot thickets.

That she saw it.

And that the thing that he's denying.

If you go on page six's Instagram, unless they deleted it, there's some girl that wrote like this.

Oh, this is my tip.

Page six, Instagram.

Oh, my God.

You know more than me?

I'm shook.

Yeah.

Page six, Instagram.

Yes, if you look under the picture of Bao Raquel.

Yeah, unless they deleted it.

Let's see.

It was a couple days ago.

Show more posts.

They post a lot.

Yeah.

Okay, I found it.

So page six posted Areels.

And the girl, I guess she's a blogger who started this rumor.

Her name is Blonde Hair Black Heart.

She wrote, hey, that's my rumor, but plot twist, I never said anything about Coachella.

So she's standing by these rumors and claiming Coachella had nothing to do with it.

And all that Tom wrote was I wasn't because I wasn't at Coachella.

Ben, oh my God, I can't believe you came to the table with like facts today.

Pretty good, right?

Wow.

Where did you, were you like researching for the toast?

You just totally no, I literally, I get served what I get served.

Right, right.

And I honestly don't like like, 99% of the stuff that I see from page six, I like breeze by, like, I don't love, but like, I opened it and I saw that, that comment.

I'm literally shook by this.

Yes.

I'm so proud of you.

You're really becoming one of us.

It's pretty random.

I know.

That's really interesting because now the rumors still might be potentially true.

It's possible.

They haven't said if they're coming back for another season.

I do think if Raquel and Tom were actually hooking up, they would have to.

But also, this isn't a problem, right?

Like, they're divorced?

They are.

Okay, that's a good question.

So, they are divorced.

It's not cheating by any means, but you know, that's like, you know, me and you getting divorced and you making out with

Brian.

I don't know.

I think

that would be a little bit different.

Yes.

But, um, just like because they're all such a close group of friends, it's just kind of weird.

And I guess it's crazy because Tom is good friends with Raquel's ex-fiancé, James.

It's just very messy, but this group is always like very incestual, always fucking around with each other.

But I don't know.

It's a good question.

But I think it's like there would be issues with the group.

I think Katie would be mad.

I think James would be mad.

But it's still entirely possible that this is true, which is something I didn't expect to hear this morning from you.

So thank you for sharing that.

I think it's true.

But I don't think it's a big deal.

Yeah, but you also don't really know the dynamics of the group.

I know the dynamics of the group.

Again, you were on a reality show, you got married, your marriage went up in flames.

No, but they weren't on a reality show and got married.

They've been together for like 15 years, literally.

The show's been on for eight years.

They've been together for 10 years.

Telling you, man, shows ruin relationships.

Yes.

It's back to keeping up.

It's so true.

You have a good relationship.

Don't do it.

So.

Don't do it.

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All right, next story is Beanie Feldstein is beaming as she earned her first standing ovation for Funny Girl opening night on Broadway.

And of course, her brother Jonah Hill was there.

So you know Funny Girl?

I've heard of it.

I've never seen it.

You know that song, Don't Random My Parade?

Yes.

That's from Funny Girl.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

So it's like my favorite song, but I've actually never seen the movie or the play.

And it's an iconic film with Barbara Streisand, and they've taken it to Broadway.

Beanie Feldstein is Barbara Streisand's character, Fannie Bryce.

And it's like kind of a really big deal that she got the role.

And it was just opening night.

She got a standing ovation and Jonah Hill was there.

So we just love to see siblings supporting siblings.

Yeah.

I think she's great.

I think she's great.

I liked her a lot in impeachment.

We loved impeachment.

I think she was great.

Jonah Hill's great.

But the reason I wanted to talk about this story, like, no offense, I don't really care about Broadway,

is there was some Jonah Hill.

Okay, let me, I have to give you a bunch of backstory.

So we have this inside joke on the morning toast.

And guys, if you've heard this before, I'm sorry, but I don't know if Ben has.

We have this inside joke on the morning toast about Jonah Hill.

And it's Justice for Ruthie.

Do you know what that is?

Yes.

Okay.

So anytime E-News posts about Jonah Hill, for some, like the toasters, the comments, just go scroll.

Justice for Ruthie, Justice for Ruthie, like they flood the comments.

It's the funniest thing.

And

like three days ago, E-News finally responded.

Somebody wrote Justice for Ruthie on another post that they had about Jonah Hill, and you know what they responded?

What?

A toast of the Wildlings.

Oh my God.

They responded with my song lyric, thus proving that we have toasters at E-News, which we already knew, because you could tell, like, a lot of times in the captions, they talk like a toaster, because, you know, it's like a language we speak.

Now we have official confirmation that not only is Justice for Ruthie being served, we are making waves at E-News.

And that's just like, not to make this, not to make Beanie Feld scene's opening night about me, but here I am making it about me.

That's pretty cool.

I know, right?

Yeah, it's cool.

You sure you know what Justice for Ruthie is?

I do.

Liar.

No, he was with a girl named Ruthie.

And something terrible happened.

She tripped.

No, no, no.

Okay, let me tell you just really quick because it's a crazy story.

Okay, fine.

So there was this girl in the old Facebook group, like before it was, back when it was normal.

Even then it wasn't normal, honestly.

She wrote in, she was like, you guys, I just passed Jonah Hill on the street and like we made like sexy eye contact and I sent him a message and he responded and she basically sent him a message was like, I think I just walked past you on bleaker.

Like you're so cute.

Like would love to get coffee.

Like, and she wrote it in the group, like totally not being thirsty, just really asking for help, like how to talk to a celebrity.

She's like, will you guys help me respond and like come up with like funny, cute responses?

And it was going great.

Everyone was helping her.

People were freaking out.

Millions of girls in the group just like waiting to be helpful to Ruthie.

And then some fucking snitch screenshotted the girl's post in Toast After Dark and sent it to Jonah Hill.

Oh my God.

And Jonah Hill immediately stopped talking to her because he thought like she was,

yeah, like, and she was just being sweet.

Like she was not being thirsty at all.

But of course, he sees that and is like, you know, I'm not going to go on a date with a girl who's writing about me in a Facebook group.

So that's why we say Justice for Ruthie, because the opportunity to be Jonah Hill's girlfriend was robbed for her from her because of a snitch.

And now whenever he like posts, you know, he has a new girlfriend or whatever, people always comment just as for Ruthy.

Mm-hmm, it's not sad.

It is sad, but like,

I don't know, you couldn't like ask your your sister or your mom.

You had to like post about it.

With it's not like the morning toast Facebook group is small, no, but that's like how powerful being a toaster is.

No, I get it.

You really just need your fellow toasters.

Yeah, but then you really need the ones that aren't snitches.

Yeah, I know.

And like, oh, I would just love to know where that snitch is right now.

Yeah, same.

Fucking loser.

And that is one of many reasons why we no longer have a Facebook group.

But we're happy for Meanie and her opening night, but we're even happier for ourselves knowing that e-news is infiltrated, is infiltrated by toasters.

You just absolutely love to see it, you know?

Love to see it.

All right, the fifth and final story is an update on a story we've been talking about.

The New York Times is now reporting that Twitter is nearing a deal to sell itself to Elon Musk.

But we really just wanted to talk about this documentary we watched over the weekend.

I haven't seen anyone talking about it, but it's a brand new documentary on Netflix called Return to Space.

And it's all about SpaceX's last couple years of not only figuring out how to use rockets, how to build reusable rockets, but then also getting, what was it, two astronauts to the International Space Station back and forth totally safely.

It was an amazing documentary.

First of all,

I feel like what I know about Elon Musk and what like most people know about Elon Musk is just like a lot of, he's always in the press, like saying things on Twitter and just like being, you know, billionaire, crazy, genius, whatever.

But I never really like dove deep into what he actually does for a living.

It's always been like something, I can't lie, that confused me.

And I got a lot of clarity from it from the SpaceX documentary.

And it's just so crazy like how smart he is.

Like that documentary was amazing.

SpaceX is incredible.

Yeah, he's a genius engineer.

Engineer, yeah.

And like the way SpaceX was able to make rockets reusable is like, how did I not know that?

It's the craziest thing.

Yes.

And everybody needs to watch it.

But what he said at the end, which I'm always bothering Claudia, always at night, and she never, ever wants to give me the time of day on this issue.

I am always fascinated.

I'm like, do you understand that the pyramids of Giza are sitting there?

Each brick weighs between like three and a half, four and fifty tons.

And there's

and there are two million bricks.

Okay.

It sits perfectly at the center of the universe.

Is that true?

Yes, perfect.

Perfect.

And it's like, we're supposed to believe that, like, honestly, we're supposed to believe, us as Jews, that, like,

the Jews built them just like by hand.

It's impossible.

Have you ever met a Jew?

We're not building parallels.

It's impossible to have done it the way that people are saying that they did.

Right.

We are missing technology.

And what

he said, which I thought was so.

Is that we now have no idea how this was built because people don't ever continue with technology.

They build it.

It's amazing and forget it.

And we have a unique opportunity to see how far we can stretch this current tech going to Mars and hopefully ending up in a world that is multi-planetary.

And living there, which is crazy.

Yeah, no, I thought that point was really good.

Like as a civilization, we've made so many strides in technology, but a lot of times we don't finish the thought, so it gets forgotten.

Yeah.

Or we don't teach the thoughts.

And that's what he's like most afraid of when it comes to space travel.

And I just thought like it was such a different side of Elon because the one that I'm used to seeing, like the one we talk about on the toes, you know, he's like a, you know, Grimes they're having babies he's at the Met Galley he did SNL but like his day job I just like totally never even like spend time learning about what he does like SpaceX is amazing his day job is amazing and his

everything that happens with him in the news is because he knows that none of that matters right like

what he's doing is actually important the reason why he tweets the way that he does the reason why he uses Instagram for meetings is because social media to him is is phony like it doesn't mean anything right like what he's doing means something so it was such a good documentary you guys and like i'm not really into like space ben loves documentaries about like other planets it was so good like i actually had chills like these astronauts are just like so amazing it was so good it was amazing i wasn't expecting just like watch a documentary and like become a space girly but i'm i think i should go to space and the fact that nobody knows that the United States space program that was shut down was literally replaced with

a private company, Elon Musk,

SpaceX, and the number one contract for SpaceX or for NASA is SpaceX.

Like NASA and SpaceX are one and the same.

No, and what's so crazy we were talking about, because obviously we were watching it with Brian, is like all these billionaires who are now doing, you know, Blue Origin is

Bezos and Virgin is what's Virgin Galactic is Branson.

Yeah.

We were actually talking about how, you know, they keep inviting, like they want interesting people to go on their little space journeys.

You know, they want the oldest person, the youngest person.

I actually feel like brian could get an invitation on one of those things because he's like the travel expert on land and they're going to take the travel expert to space like i could totally see brian getting invited on blue origin yeah isn't that crazy i'd go on blue origin i'd go on space x i don't think i'd go on virgin i agree i don't think i'd go on virgin galactic and i think virgin galactic is the one that you're most likely to be invited on right because it's very like they're into marketing richard branson's a marketer i could just see richard branson inviting brian on one of those trips i just can't explain why for For sure.

Right?

Yeah.

And I also just like, I just can't trust a cruise ship company building a rocket.

Yeah.

Like, these are like, but why would you trust, you know, an e-commerce company, Amazon, to build.

I don't think I'd trust Bezos.

I trust Musk.

Michael, after watching this documentary, like, there's nowhere I wouldn't let Elon take me.

No, he's amazing.

It was really eye-opening, especially like if you don't know a lot about Elon, just like what you see in the news, I feel like he gets painted to be like one of those like crazy, but he's actually very smart and pretty pragmatic like in the way he speaks in the documentary.

I just thought it was really, really good.

And that's why I want to talk about the story.

I don't know if the report that he's going to officially buy Twitter is real or not, but we'll see.

We'll keep you abreast as we always do.

And it's so funny.

So we don't own a Tesla.

I think Teslas are super cool.

Me too.

But we never see Teslas.

And I was thinking to myself, why do you never see Teslas?

Tesla is uprooting the traditional car dealership relationship.

they sell, they're the first car to sell direct to the consumer.

Yeah, I didn't know that.

Did you know that?

Yeah, you buy it online or in a store.

Yeah, but like they are never going to be sold at dealerships.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's no Tesla dealer.

Well, just a Tesla store.

Okay.

Yeah, but what was the point you were trying to make?

I don't know.

I just thought it was cool.

Yes.

But what does that have to do with us seeing Teslas?

What do you mean seeing Teslas?

You said we never see a Tesla.

No, we don't own a Tesla.

Oh, no.

You never see a Tesla dealership.

Like, you see, like,

Ray, what's his last name?

Ray, yeah, no, there's a name.

Ray Katina.

Of like Tenafly, whatever.

Of the bay, of

somewhere.

You see Ray Katina selling everything from Cadillac to whatever.

And you never see him selling such a Tesla.

That's a lot about Ray Katina.

No, but like if you go to a mall, sometimes there's like literally a store.

You just go in and you customize your own Tesla.

And you can't buy it there.

They're just showrooms.

So where do you buy it?

You have to buy it online because legally, the same way in alcohol, there's a system.

Like

suppliers sell to dealers, sell to people.

So he's just like doing everything his own way.

He's a CTC car company.

He's doing everything his own way.

It's so crazy.

Yeah, he's cool.

All right, we're going to let everyone unburden themselves before we wrap up today's show.

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All right, you ready?

I'm ready.

We are going to unburden ourselves again.

If you ever want to write in, it's unburdenyourselves at gmail.com.

We will write, we will read your submission on air totally anonymously.

Let's talk about these girls.

Hey, girlies.

First off, I want to say how much I love listening to the show every day.

It's truly the best part of my day.

Claudia, this one's for you.

Saturday, I went to a friend's wedding.

I had a great time.

Fortunately and unfortunately, it was open bar and let's just say I had one too many cocktails.

So towards the end of the night, I was on, of course, on the dance floor getting down.

And no, I mean, I was literally getting down.

I was drunk wearing a long dress and also fall on the regular.

I don't remember it happening, but I must have fallen so hard on the dance floor that I literally got a fucking concussion.

Immediately, I vomited all over my boyfriend's suit and ended up going to the hospital to spend my evening in the ER.

I made a complete fool of myself and I'm so freaking embarrassed.

Will this be something that people remember for the rest of their lives?

Will I forever be known as the dumbass who had a concussion at a friend's wedding?

Help.

Sincerely, a girl who never really drinks, but when she does, she goes all in.

You know, I didn't think that this was so bad until you vomited.

Are these your friends?

Like, whose friends are these?

Huh?

Are these her friends or are these his friends?

Oh, whose wedding?

I don't know.

That's very important.

So if they're your friends, if it was your wedding, your friends will totally forgive you.

They've known you forever.

They'll just think that this is funny.

That being said, if these are his friends and they've never met you before, he's never going to forget it.

Yeah, I also just need to know a little bit more.

Like, I need you to set the scene for me a little bit more.

Was everyone watching?

Was it the end of the night where like not a lot of people were there?

Agreed.

We need more details because this, I can't lie, like it does potentially sound like it could have been really, really bad and embarrassing.

But also, like, was everyone fucked up?

I need more details because it's very possible that this really like wasn't a big deal.

Even though the vomit, like, where did you vomit?

you vomited on his coat but like in the bathroom or in the middle of the dance floor and do people know how drunk you were because it is possible that you tripped you hit your head you vomited because of the concussion right and all of a sudden you're the victim right no i was thinking that too it's like a medical emergency so like vomiting is embarrassing when you're drunk but vomiting when you're in the middle of a medical crisis is just like a part of life totally so i would play that card like really keep that hospital bracelet on that

keep it on for a while so i'm really still recovering just to help um ease the image of you in other people's minds.

Agreed.

All right, next up.

This week I went on a date with this hot British guy and we got margaritas at my local favorite spot.

They have grape chips and salsa too, so we snacked on that.

And I guess a chip with spicy salsa might have hit me in the back of the throat because I sneezed.

And no joke, a literal rocket came out of my nose and bunged back into my face and then hung there for the longest tenth of a second of my life.

We were sitting side by side and it came out of my nostril that was closest to him.

So he got a front row seat.

I quickly took a napkin and wiped my nose, but the damage was done.

There was no addressing of the booger, and to think I was actually confused by he didn't kiss me at the end of the night is sad.

No, that's sad.

What word did she use?

Bunguide?

I'm, I was like, literally, is that a typo?

What the fuck is bunguide?

I should look it up.

I'm sure it's a real word and we're just dumb.

Bunguide.

There's

bun guide is when one consumes enough alcohol to be absolutely shit-faced and cops dart for the fucking voice.

No, that's urban dictionary.

Maybe it was a typo.

Bunguide on Merriam-Webster.

Oh, having an eye swollen.

Merriam-Webster.

Defining bunk guide.

Okay, whatever.

That sucks, but any guy that can't get over some snot is not the right guy anyway.

Yeah, I agree.

It's really not a big deal.

Like, it's, it's embarrassing for like six seconds.

You should have laughed about it and moved on.

I don't think that this is that bad either, honestly.

Like, if you're, like, if you're dating someone, you're going to have children.

Honestly, it just shows like a lack of maturity.

Like when you get married to someone, like you've seen me at my worst.

I've seen you at your worst.

We've seen we had the flu together.

Like it's not really a thing.

So if he's like on the first date already being like skittish about a booger, he's doing you a favor by just bouncing because that's really not the type of guy you want to marry.

That's the type of guy who's like, when you're sick and like throwing up, he's like, ew, babe.

Like, no, bitch, fucking help me.

Yep.

Get on your knees and scratch my back.

Yep.

Hold my hair back.

By the way, I get on your knees.

Okay, I guess you don't have to get on your knees, but scratch my back when I'm throwing up.

For sure.

You love to scratch my back.

It's so nice.

And you have to sleep through it.

Literally.

Claudia's throwing up.

I'm holding her hair, scratching her back.

I'm throwing up.

Shut up.

It's so true.

Let me sleep.

If I am like sick in the middle of the night, you're that guy.

I'll get up.

Yeah.

Totally.

I'll get up and like start throwing up.

And before I know it, Ben is like right behind me with water.

And it's so thoughtful.

Literally, when Ben had the stomach virus, I was dead asleep.

And he woke me up he's like claude i'm sick i'm like so

it's so true it's so mean i'm so sorry the thing is like i cannot wake up i helped you so much the next day you did i will not wake up for anything like someone's robbing the house let them i'm not getting up like i'm just not so

i don't think i'm quite like this guy but i'm pretty close

All right, final thing.

I want to start off by saying my daughter is fine, but I feel like the worst mother.

I ordered a new ice roller and I woke up this morning to use it you know what an ice roller is it like de-puffs your face you leave it oh yeah you know what it is I was rolling my face and holding my four-month-old daughter and somehow she licked the ice roller.

I got stuck to her tongue.

Her tongue got stuck to it because it was so cold and her tongue started bleeding.

Again, she's totally fine now and it was very minor cuts, but it was such an unexpected freak accident and I just needed to come clean.

My beauty routine is literally killing my daughter.

Okay, the thing is, I understand like immediately feeling like the worst mom in the world, but you know what?

You should feel very lucky that nothing terrible happened.

And now you learned a lesson.

Like, keep the ice roller away from the kid, you know?

Because God always gives you a warning before something big.

This is your warning.

Like, never let the kid near the ice roller.

Ice roll when the kid is asleep.

And the kid got away relatively unscathed.

And you learned a very valuable lesson.

So don't feel bad.

Sad, though.

Yeah, of course, but don't make her feel worse.

No, I'm not.

I'm just like thinking like if.

Kids are very, very resilient.

You're not thinking like if Theo looked the ice roller and it was stuck to his tongue.

Well, I'm really

happy that you learned this lesson.

Me too.

And the kid is fine.

Kids fine.

Kids are so resilient.

Like, when I think about some of the shit, like, when I was a kid, I had a car door slammed on my hand.

Like, kids are fine.

I, yeah, I had similar accidents.

Right.

I had two of my fingers trapped in an iron door.

You see these?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

No.

Yeah.

I had terrible stitches here.

Where the fuck did you encounter an iron door?

We had one

from

when I was three to to eight, I was rollerblading and I liked to brace myself.

My fingers went in like the hinge.

Oh, my God.

My mom, my mom caught it.

Yeah.

If she didn't, my fingers would be on the ground.

Yeah.

They'd be on the ground.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

So when you think about all the crazy shit you did as a kid and like, we're all fine.

It's fine.

This is not a big deal.

Don't say that.

Not a big deal, but sad.

I hope her tongue.

Yeah.

I hope her tongue heals, but she's fine.

What do you do for a tongue?

Band-aid?

Have you put a band-aid on a tongue?

You probably just ice it.

Okay.

Ben, I really want to thank you for being here.

I know.

Like, we ran around this farm 50 times looking for a good place to podcast.

We're currently laying in a tiny bedroom with our on the floor, with our bellies on the floor, and we won't die.

My arms are asleep.

Thank you so much for doing this, you guys.

Thank you for listening.

Again, we are back tomorrow in studio with Stasi Schroeder.

So I can't wait for you guys to see that.

Thank you so much for listening to the Morning Tails Millennial Morning Show where we deliver the best stories that you need to know every Monday Friday on YouTube.

So if you're watching this on YouTube, please over to grab this video a thumbs up.

We're also available as a podcast.

That was that English.

We're also available as a podcast, and we're podcasts can be found.

So it's Spotify, Action, Stitcher, Public Radio, IRA, and Cast Box, all the places.

So, wherever you listen to podcasts, find us more in Justin with Fox Star Review about how beautiful, stunning, and smart we are.

Have an amazing Monday, you guys.

I'll see you tomorrow.