E875 Going Deeper - Our Miscarriage Story

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Speaker 2 Well, I guess just thanks for tuning in. I'm sure you got some glimpse based off the title about what this episode is going to be about.
And

Speaker 4 I miscarried our second child

Speaker 4 and

Speaker 4 it was extremely hard. It's still extremely hard.
Obviously, this is just like not easy to talk about.

Speaker 4 I don't know the right way to talk about it.

Speaker 2 What we're about to play, obviously, is very personal and very raw and very descriptive.

Speaker 2 And so, you know, just a heads up there, you know, in case, you know, whoever you're listening to this with, or maybe it's not your cup of tea.

Speaker 2 But we just wanted to give you a heads up that the content going forward is

Speaker 2 very detailed and very personal.

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Speaker 2 This is definitely going to be a different episode. We've never done anything with just Natalie and I in the room.

Speaker 2 But, you know, since this is a show that I think more and more we've made into a family show and

Speaker 2 it's become a place for us to,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 open up and share a little bit about our life when we feel comfortable doing that. And it's also a little bit of therapy for us.

Speaker 2 And every once in a while, when we deal with something traumatic or personal,

Speaker 2 you know, we

Speaker 2 will sometimes talk about whether we should or shouldn't share it. But,

Speaker 2 you know, this was a situation that obviously really impacted us, still impacts us and

Speaker 2 it's also a topic that I think depending

Speaker 2 who you are and whether you've experienced it I think everyone knows someone who has experienced it you know it's um

Speaker 2 it certainly

Speaker 2 um changes or affects your perspective once it happens to you like obviously most things but

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I don't feel like

Speaker 4 there's like no right way to

Speaker 4 start it or get into it. But I feel like it's, I think it's also just like,

Speaker 4 and I don't want to apologize for crying because

Speaker 4 it is so sad and I'm still feeling everything, but

Speaker 4 I just think it's also like

Speaker 4 I've been like putting on this

Speaker 4 front, you know, I've been like

Speaker 4 trying to be a good mom to River

Speaker 4 and like come and do my job, whether it's on the podcast or on social media

Speaker 4 for the

Speaker 4 past week. And currently, as I sit here today,

Speaker 4 I'm actively miscarrying our second child,

Speaker 4 and it has been the biggest heartbreak, I think, of my life.

Speaker 4 I've never experienced something where I feel

Speaker 4 so empty inside. And I just,

Speaker 4 and yeah, I guess, like Nick said, it's

Speaker 4 one of those things that, like, I've, I've heard of so many of my friends, you know, have sadly been through it. My sister has had 12 miscarriages, and it's like

Speaker 4 you feel sad and you want to be there for these people, but you don't really know the loss that they feel

Speaker 4 until you go through it yourself.

Speaker 4 So

Speaker 2 obviously Natalie has a very unique perspective since she was the one

Speaker 2 carrying the baby. And as a father, I think it's a little different.

Speaker 2 But I think,

Speaker 2 like I said earlier, I think we all know someone or many people who have experienced a miscarriage. And I think it's really,

Speaker 2 and I think if you've ever heard someone you care about, you mention that they've had a miscarriage. I think the vast majority of people

Speaker 2 know to at least, you know, obviously.

Speaker 2 you know, express their condolences, show their empathy for the sad, you know, experience that these people are having.

Speaker 2 But at least for me, it always felt like there was a bit of a disconnect between

Speaker 2 what I was trying to empathize to

Speaker 2 and the sadness I felt from the people sharing that they had this experience.

Speaker 2 Because

Speaker 2 obviously, depending on when you miscarriage and things like that. Yeah, I mean, especially for everyone involved, except for the mother, and even as a father

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 you know connecting with your unborn child is is a process um

Speaker 2 and i think especially i think

Speaker 2 nali's desire and correct me if i'm wrong to share with this is just to express what it feels like um especially for all

Speaker 2 all the women out there and all the moms and all the women who desire to be a mom, especially those who have had a challenge conceiving.

Speaker 2 It really felt like, and maybe just because we're going through it right now, it just, for me, it really,

Speaker 2 you know, there's various stages of my life. I think every experience you have, until you experience something, it's harder to empathize.
And once you can,

Speaker 2 you sometimes feel a bit of guilt for not empathizing. the way you feel like you should have now that it's happened to you.
And

Speaker 2 so I think maybe that's just kind of our hope for this episode is to just, you know, hopefully allow people like Natalie to feel seen that have gone through this experience because it's incredibly traumatic for even the dads, but especially the moms.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you, you really feel alone because

Speaker 2 there's always like this, you know, I'm sorry for your loss. And

Speaker 2 they're like, hey, what do you want to do this weekend? You know, like it's, there's a, there's definitely a disconnect.

Speaker 4 It's going to take a long time to heal from this, but it is raw, and we're feeling it right now. And I think that's why I wanted to do this now because

Speaker 4 I want to

Speaker 4 show people and I want to give the mothers who have felt this same feeling, like, yeah, you're not alone because it does feel,

Speaker 4 I mean, like, my body feels so empty, and like

Speaker 4 I just also don't want to

Speaker 4 forget this baby, you know. I don't want time to go on and

Speaker 4 for this baby to have just been like a blip in our lives, you know. It's like

Speaker 4 I want River to be able to watch this back

Speaker 4 and see her parents' love for her sibling that like could have been here.

Speaker 4 I just feel dead inside,

Speaker 4 and it sucks because I have to be so alive for River, you know, I have to be silly and goofy and funny and play with her. And then I have have this like overwhelming guilt that like

Speaker 4 when I'm with you, I can't also do that, you know. Like, I'm sad that like the only version of me you get right now is this like broken person.

Speaker 4 And I'm sorry for that.

Speaker 4 I'm just so tired, you know, I'm just exhausted of this like

Speaker 4 performing, you know, of this like putting on a brave face and and putting on a happy face. It's just like, it gets so tiring.

Speaker 4 And it's also just like a really

Speaker 4 confusing state, I think, for anyone who's gone through this. You question everything, you know.
You,

Speaker 4 I look at myself and I'm like, I just had

Speaker 4 a successful, non-complicated pregnancy and birth, and I'm 26 years old. And like,

Speaker 4 why?

Speaker 4 Why me? Like, why did this happen to me?

Speaker 2 You know, I think that's also

Speaker 2 one of the harder parts because,

Speaker 2 you know, I want you to be able to feel how you feel.

Speaker 2 But it does, it hurts to know that,

Speaker 2 you know, the pressure.

Speaker 2 And I assume this is common for most women who experience what you're experiencing. And I've heard it.

Speaker 2 My mom experienced it a few times.

Speaker 2 And yeah, the guilt that I think

Speaker 2 women who miscarriage put on themselves

Speaker 2 and the responsibility of

Speaker 2 And it just breaks my heart because obviously, I assume you know that's not really the case, but I understand why it's hard, you know, not to do that. Even myself, I mean,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 there were fires in L.A.,

Speaker 2 air quality, you know, like, what if we, should we have left town, you know,

Speaker 2 stuff like that. It's, you know, and that's just me, you know, getting in my head about, is there anything I could have done differently or we could have done differently.

Speaker 2 So I can't even imagine what you're going through. And but say, you know, we're lucky to have doctors who, you know, I guess from a scientific standpoint, you know, explain

Speaker 2 that this is sadly common. Um,

Speaker 2 I guess, on, you know, I don't know how it is for you, and imagine it's still raw.

Speaker 2 I mean, that part helps a little bit just because it is, you know, I'm definitely someone who it's easy to second guess

Speaker 2 myself, but

Speaker 2 yeah,

Speaker 4 I think it's the only thing that like

Speaker 4 you have to hold on to to be able to heal, you know, is to like have

Speaker 4 like the doctors assuring you of like this baby wasn't gonna live regardless. Like our doctor being able to say like there was it was unviable.
It wasn't going to live outside of your body.

Speaker 4 And it's like,

Speaker 4 it gives you some hope of like, okay, well,

Speaker 4 at least like.

Speaker 4 I don't know. It just,

Speaker 4 if you focus on the scientific part, I think that's what gets you through it,

Speaker 4 which is incredibly hard to do because,

Speaker 4 as the mom, you feel everything, you know, from the second

Speaker 4 that it was a positive pregnancy test. Like, I felt that baby inside of me.
And

Speaker 4 up until I lost it, like, it's, it's, it's so real. And it, like,

Speaker 2 I think it's been

Speaker 2 harder for me now that we have River.

Speaker 2 You know, like when I first, when we first found out that you were pregnant with River, there's definitely like,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 being someone who always wanted to be a dad, but had never been a dad.

Speaker 2 We all we've we've we've joked plenty about my initial reaction.

Speaker 2 Um

Speaker 2 but like until

Speaker 2 you had, you know, when I got back from special for the first you know, when I got back from special forces,

Speaker 2 I

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 i i got my phone back and and and there was a message waiting for me from you that was river's heartbeat and like that was definitely like the first moment i felt like connected to river um

Speaker 2 and then

Speaker 2 throughout the pregnancy you get more and more connected but like ever and i've talked about this but ever now that river's with us And we've gotten to know her.

Speaker 2 Like, and I think about

Speaker 2 the moment I found out you were pregnant with River all the time.

Speaker 2 And I think about that moment where I heard River's first heartbeat, you know, and I think about all the doctor visits we had with River.

Speaker 2 And so, like, every time I look at River, like, River's been, even for me,

Speaker 2 been in our life since the moment I opened that drawer and saw the positive pregnancy test. So, now

Speaker 2 knowing

Speaker 2 knowing what that's like, it made it this, that much more difficult just because, like, you know, I remember where we were with River when we found out you were pregnant this time. And,

Speaker 2 um,

Speaker 2 you know, and, and obviously, we've talked about this, but you know, a lot of you heard our end of the year episode where we talked about how great of a year we had and our excitement for this year.

Speaker 2 And,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 a vast majority of that excitement was us knowing we, you know, Natalie was pregnant.

Speaker 2 So yeah, it just, it's, um,

Speaker 2 it's a shitty experience. And

Speaker 2 I don't know if you want to talk about,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 what happened and

Speaker 2 how it all started and what that was like.

Speaker 4 Um, yeah, I mean, I was spot bleeding for a while. Which I didn't do with river.
So I definitely was freaked out at the first sign of blood, and you know,

Speaker 4 immediately reached out to my sister who had 12 miscarriages and one

Speaker 4 daughter. And she was like, This is normal, like everything is fine.

Speaker 2 I'm googling all this stuff, and it definitely think I read something like 20 to 30 percent of pregnancies can have

Speaker 2 spot bleeding and things like that. So then, you know, we try not to

Speaker 2 worry, you know.

Speaker 4 I think I knew from the jump, um,

Speaker 4 but I didn't want to accept that. And then

Speaker 4 it just got heavier and heavier. I'm just so thankful that we were home

Speaker 4 and not traveling and not in a hotel or on an airplane. But

Speaker 4 we got home and

Speaker 4 I went to

Speaker 4 go pee.

Speaker 4 And it was like I gave birth, you know, it was like

Speaker 4 it was like

Speaker 4 I did, you know, essentially.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 I was screaming and crying, and Nick ran into the bathroom. And,

Speaker 4 you know, you just like think, like,

Speaker 4 how are you supposed to stand up and like flush this baby down the toilet? Like, how do you do that? How do you just

Speaker 2 i i we had been talking to my mom

Speaker 2 and i remember

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 a miscarriage my mom had

Speaker 2 and my mom knew like natie was experiencing these symptoms

Speaker 2 and uh

Speaker 2 you know TMI but my mom said you know Natalie might want to when she goes to the bathroom,

Speaker 2 peanut cup. And I didn't, at that point, I didn't relay that message to Natalie because I just wanted to stay positive.

Speaker 2 But I remember I was, I don't know how old I was. I was, I don't know,

Speaker 2 maybe middle school or something.

Speaker 2 But my mom experienced that same thing.

Speaker 2 And I don't know the details of what happened, but

Speaker 2 she miscarried into a toilet

Speaker 2 and was unable to retrieve anything for lack of better way of saying it.

Speaker 2 And so

Speaker 2 Natalie, obviously, like she called for me and she,

Speaker 2 at this point, I'm just trying to,

Speaker 2 you really don't know what to say

Speaker 2 or do,

Speaker 2 you know, so I didn't, I don't think I said anything other than I think I just held you.

Speaker 2 And then then you mentioned you looked at me, and I remember you, you know, like, I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I don't want to flush the toilet,

Speaker 2 and then I think I just got you out.

Speaker 2 Well, you went into the shower,

Speaker 2 um, we went in the shower for a while,

Speaker 2 me, you, and River,

Speaker 2 um,

Speaker 2 and just left the toilet where it was,

Speaker 2 and um,

Speaker 2 and then after we got out, when Nally was in the living room, I went back into the bathroom.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 yeah, I mean, I just stuck my hand in the toilet and

Speaker 2 was able. And I didn't know what, I didn't know because, you know, Natalie said she felt it.
And it was really just, again, TMI,

Speaker 2 all you could see was blood.

Speaker 2 But I just, you know, I just remember, I mean, you know, I remember that it was very traumatic for me. I just remember it being a traumatic moment for my mom.

Speaker 2 And that's why she told me to bring her cup because she didn't want Nellie to potentially experience that feeling as well.

Speaker 2 But thankfully,

Speaker 2 and I was a bit surprised, but I was able to

Speaker 2 retrieve the, you know,

Speaker 2 the baby and everything that came with it. And it was, it was definitely

Speaker 2 that part was. I hope no one ever has to experience that.
At the same time, I hope that

Speaker 2 if you do experience a similar situation, that

Speaker 2 you do retrieve

Speaker 2 the baby because, you know, we were able to set it aside

Speaker 2 so that we couldn't mourn the loss. And

Speaker 2 we want to

Speaker 2 bury our baby in a place that

Speaker 2 we can

Speaker 2 always connect with.

Speaker 2 So I don't know what we would have done if I wasn't able to retrieve it or we were forced to flush the toilet without getting the baby out.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, as traumatic as it was, I

Speaker 2 for any I hope I hope the moms never have to do that themselves. And I hope that all the dads out there

Speaker 2 are willing to do do that um

Speaker 2 because i'm very grateful i mean we could have

Speaker 2 this could have happened on the flight home you know we it we landed in la and it happened later that night um

Speaker 2 yeah it could have it could have happened you know yeah when we weren't home um so thankfully we were but

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 And that was, that was very surreal.

Speaker 4 That was like

Speaker 4 definitely the hardest night of my life.

Speaker 4 Just experiencing that is like something I wouldn't wish upon anyone. And unfortunately, I know a lot of women do experience it.
And I'm just like feel for these people so much because it's such a,

Speaker 4 it's like I was so mad at my body for letting it go. You know, I was like, why couldn't you just hold on to it? Why did? Why did you have to let it go?

Speaker 4 And I was so mad at my body and I was so mad at myself.

Speaker 4 And then I reached out to my doctor, and

Speaker 4 I had experienced all this heartbreak, and I was

Speaker 4 so sad. And then she kind of gave me a little bit of hope: just like, there's a lot of reasons that, you know, it might not have been.

Speaker 4 You know, I didn't give her the exact description of what Nick was able to save, but

Speaker 4 she was like, come in Monday, and

Speaker 4 um,

Speaker 4 we'll we'll check everything out. So, all of Sunday, I kind of had this like hope again, you know,

Speaker 4 which was extra dangerous, I feel like, just because it was like my heart was already broken just for on Monday to go in

Speaker 4 and like be re-broken, you know,

Speaker 4 when the doctor confirmed that I had miscarried.

Speaker 2 Um,

Speaker 4 I just feel really grateful to have you because it was

Speaker 4 it was the worst thing I've ever been through, but you made it

Speaker 4 as easy as it could have been to go through and you did everything right, which I feel like is impossible to do in those situations, and yet you managed

Speaker 4 and you still continue. I'm still

Speaker 4 bleeding. Every time I go to the restroom, I'm reminded of what has happened.
I don't think I'll ever be able to go into our bathroom and like not feel that feeling.

Speaker 4 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 I think that Alia said, obviously, this is still very raw for us and more specifically her.

Speaker 2 We had to start thinking about,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 my friends and people I know who have experienced something similar. And

Speaker 2 when they told me, and

Speaker 2 again, like, you know, many times it was like a text, I'm so sorry, you know, or even in person, I'm so sorry. But, um,

Speaker 2 and not that,

Speaker 2 you know, again, this is not, not to

Speaker 2 make anyone who's been in that position. that I'm describing and feel like they didn't empathize well enough.

Speaker 2 But I just, I just

Speaker 2 I just started sobbing probably because I was a little out of it. But like all the emotions kind of,

Speaker 2 it's a challenge trying to be there

Speaker 2 for you. And also just trying to make sure that we don't lose ourselves in our sadness, but also allow us to

Speaker 2 feel these feelings.

Speaker 2 You know, and we are grateful for

Speaker 2 our doctor who mentioned,

Speaker 2 you know, if that's something we want to try for again, you know, there's, I learned the word rainbow baby. And

Speaker 2 am I right by a rainbow baby are the babies you have like right after a miscarriage? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I didn't know that phrase existed. Our doctor was telling us that she

Speaker 2 is sad as this moment is, that, you know,

Speaker 2 something that she feels very grateful to be able to do in her profession is to, you know, help women deliver what she referred to as rainbow babies and

Speaker 2 yeah it's you know you know that my least if you guys listen my least favorite phrase in the world is everything happens for a reason um

Speaker 2 in moments like these it's you know because i'm definitely someone it's just like we make choices and we have to live with our choices but

Speaker 2 this is not one

Speaker 2 this is this experience has nothing to do with

Speaker 2 a choice that we made other than the decision of growing our family. So it's it's definitely been a

Speaker 2 mind fuck for me to have to lean into the

Speaker 2 um accept that things happened this way.

Speaker 2 Um

Speaker 4 there's also a huge part of me that

Speaker 4 feels really shitty because every time and it's I've had to take so many breaks off social media because it's like every time I get on, I see a friend or someone I follow or a stranger who's pregnant or announces their pregnancy.

Speaker 4 And it like makes me so mad. And like, I'm so happy for them.
And I have my beautiful baby at home. And I'm so happy these people

Speaker 4 get to experience that. But I'm just so mad that it's not me.

Speaker 4 And then I would get like,

Speaker 4 which is also just a note for anyone in general, DMs of like, oh, I know you're pregnant.

Speaker 4 You know, like, you've got to be pregnant. And it's like, every time I read one, it was just like a fucking punch in the gut.
It's like,

Speaker 4 and it's like, I feel like so guilty for feeling that way about people on social media or my friends or people that I am genuinely so happy for.

Speaker 4 But it's hard in these moments to like

Speaker 4 feel that for them when you're so

Speaker 4 broken yourself.

Speaker 2 but I am still excited about our future.

Speaker 2 And I'm still

Speaker 2 excited about this year. You know, I think we went into this year with these

Speaker 2 really exciting expectations.

Speaker 2 And it's only, we're only a couple weeks in, but it certainly has not started off the way we hoped.

Speaker 4 But the fires, and it's just there's it feels like there's just been one after the other.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And obviously, with the fires, we've been incredibly

Speaker 2 lucky compared to so many other people. But yeah, it's just, it's been a,

Speaker 2 it hasn't been the magical time that we went into this year expecting. Um,

Speaker 2 but as I try to tell Natalie, you know, that balance between allowing yourself to feel,

Speaker 2 but again, not

Speaker 2 make a terrible situation worse by allowing yourself to heal and move forward is definitely a tough balance to strike. And I can't imagine what I'm, you know, what I'm feeling.
And then,

Speaker 2 you know, Nally, like I said, you know, this miscarrying is not,

Speaker 2 it's not just like a, from what I understand or I'm learning, is not like a one day or a moment. It's sadly, it, it takes time

Speaker 2 for

Speaker 2 the body to

Speaker 2 go through that.

Speaker 2 And, you know,

Speaker 2 it comes with a lot of emotions. But I am still excited about what can come.
And we'll see where we're at

Speaker 2 in life, you know,

Speaker 2 at the end of this year. And I think as sad as this period is, you know,

Speaker 2 we'll see what good can come from it because I am hopeful

Speaker 2 that that will still be the case. And, you know, obviously Natalie and I still very much want to grow our family.

Speaker 2 And when that happens, that will be very much based on,

Speaker 2 you know, Natalie and her body and what she's able to do both emotionally and physically.

Speaker 4 I hope one day I can come on here

Speaker 4 and be on the other side of it. I don't know when that day will be.

Speaker 4 because I am very much in the thick of it right now and

Speaker 4 very much in the darkness of it all. But I feel like I've survived so many other things that I thought would break me and that I thought I wouldn't survive.

Speaker 4 And to be on the other side of all of those,

Speaker 4 I know that I'll make it. I just can't see that side yet.

Speaker 2 And that's okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You will. And like you said, I mean, not to try to compare it to anything because that's.

Speaker 2 When you're, I think more than anything, and kind of like you just said, I mean, I talk, we talk about this all the time.

Speaker 2 You know, dealing with tragedy is knowing that you can get through things, you know, especially for those people who deal with death, that's very definitive. And, you know, for us, it's a very

Speaker 2 complicated feeling because obviously we lost

Speaker 2 this baby.

Speaker 2 And Nally

Speaker 2 was, you know. as Nally described, feeling connected to that baby from that moment is not something a father gets to feel.

Speaker 2 That moment of being able to retrieve the baby was, it was traumatic, and yet I'm very grateful I was able to do that because

Speaker 2 I was definitely able to

Speaker 2 connect there.

Speaker 2 But we will get through it

Speaker 2 because we, you know, we've gotten through things. we'll, you know, and yeah, that's just, I guess, what I'm trying to say, the silver lining of

Speaker 2 just knowing you can get through stuff,

Speaker 2 even though you're not through it yet, is a much better feeling than

Speaker 2 wondering if you'll ever get through something.

Speaker 2 Um,

Speaker 2 so I am, I'm grateful for that. And,

Speaker 2 um,

Speaker 2 I am grateful that, you know, we have our river and we've been very blessed so far in so many ways

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 with her health and your health and and like you said you know we were very lucky to have a very

Speaker 2 seamless pregnancy more i mean you were

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 and we'll see what happens in the future um

Speaker 2 but yeah our i guess maybe to sum things up i think our hope for this is to more than anything

Speaker 2 for the women out there who have experienced something sim similar

Speaker 2 and obviously we're in the middle of this and it feels very personal, but it really feels like

Speaker 2 it's not something that really gets acknowledged all that much. And having a front-row seat to how alone Natalie feels,

Speaker 2 I think we just hope that for those who have experienced it, we're with you.

Speaker 2 We know what you're feeling. And

Speaker 2 if this is not something that's,

Speaker 2 I guess I hate that I have to say this, but certainly we welcome any support you want to send our way.

Speaker 2 We don't welcome any criticisms.

Speaker 2 And if this is not something that you were interested in hearing about, that's okay.

Speaker 2 We're not interested in that feedback.

Speaker 2 But yeah, I feel lucky to do what we do here. And

Speaker 2 we want this show 99% of the time to be a place that people can come to and escape the

Speaker 2 shit that's out there in the world

Speaker 2 and all the craziness and have this be a place of fun

Speaker 2 and optimism and learn a little bit of baby about relationships. you know, for our ethnic audience and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 2 But we do feel grateful to be able to connect with our audience and and knowing who so much of our audience is and and so many moms out there and and um potential moms

Speaker 4 we felt like it was worth sharing and it's also like nothing on social media is real you know it's like i feel like this is the epitome of like you don't know what people are going through behind the scenes and it's like

Speaker 4 you know

Speaker 4 it's like I'm just here to say, like, first and foremost, like,

Speaker 4 I'm a shell of a human being currently.

Speaker 4 I've never been more

Speaker 4 heartbroken or sad.

Speaker 4 But I know that I have a family that needs me.

Speaker 4 And it's what gets me out of bed every day.

Speaker 4 And I'm grateful for that.

Speaker 4 And I love you so much.

Speaker 2 I love you too.

Speaker 4 I mean, eternally grateful for you.

Speaker 2 Same, baby.

Speaker 4 And I wouldn't have

Speaker 4 survived. I won't survive this without you.

Speaker 4 And I just wish I could give everyone who's ever experienced this, like

Speaker 4 a hug. I know it's just, it's, it's the most empty, alone feeling you'll ever feel, and I'm so sorry to everyone who's experienced it.

Speaker 4 So if you see me posting an ad, please like it.

Speaker 4 Cut that out.

Speaker 2 I don't know if we should.

Speaker 2 I mean, that's the thing, though. It's just

Speaker 2 we're trying to be, you know, not to sound cliche, real, raw, whatever.

Speaker 2 Some people deal with this stuff differently. Some people do deal with humor.
You know, some people do.

Speaker 4 I mean, it is, at the end of the day, it's like life goes on, you know, like this. world isn't stopping just because I lost my baby.
You know, it's like.

Speaker 2 And I don't think we're doing doing this for any type of,

Speaker 2 you know, I think, yeah, it's just

Speaker 4 doing this so that I can look back and I can watch this video and I can remember the love and the feelings that I have for this baby that I lost. It's the only reason I'm doing it.

Speaker 4 It's because I don't want to forget. I'm so scared that I'm going to forget.

Speaker 2 We'll make sure we won't.

Speaker 2 You know, the, I don't think I told you this, but the

Speaker 2 what used to be the garage door password to my parents' old house was 1215. And that was because that was going to be the birthday of that baby that my mom miscarried.
So like I

Speaker 2 it's been, I don't know how many years, 30 years,

Speaker 2 30 plus years, and I still know

Speaker 2 that that baby's birthday was supposed to be 1215.

Speaker 2 So we won't.

Speaker 2 Every time I walked home,

Speaker 2 I went home. So

Speaker 2 well

Speaker 2 thanks for listening.

Speaker 2 I'm sure this will be a weird transition to tomorrow

Speaker 2 when you're listening because we'll

Speaker 2 We recorded this much earlier than that, by the way.

Speaker 4 I think that's kind of my point of saying that, like, life goes on because it's like,

Speaker 4 while I'm feeling these feelings and we're feeling, we're in it so deep, it's like we still have to get home, make dinner, put River to bed, play with River, be parents, be spouses to each other.

Speaker 4 You, you have to be a boss and a leader and me a co-worker. You know, it's like lives go on and we have a job to do and a show to put on.

Speaker 4 And so it's like while laughing and joking or this and that, it's like you get home and like shit gets real. You know, it's like

Speaker 4 I feel like

Speaker 4 the only time I'm able to feel these feelings is when Rivers asleep.

Speaker 4 And that's why I feel so guilty that, like, you're the only person that like

Speaker 4 has to deal with.

Speaker 2 I'm not dealing with anything. I mean, I'm dealing with everything, but I'm not dealing with you.

Speaker 2 It's my job.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 it just comes with the territory. I mean, I, you know,

Speaker 2 this, like, this will only bring us closer. This is us being a family.
And this is not the fun part of it. That's why we have each other.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Bye.

Speaker 2 Bye.