E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram

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That's article.com slash V-I-A-L-L for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. How's it going? Hi, my name is Lauren.
I'm 29 29 and i'm trying to figure out why my husband freaked

out when i opened his instagram oh tell me more so i'm nosy to be honest with you so like if my

husband's like phone goes off i'll just like look i'm like oh like what's your dad say like just

normal like whatever i'm just nosy and he was doing dishes and i was just kind of sitting with him. We were chatting and an Instagram like notification popped up and I said, oh, you're, you've got an, you know, notification on your Instagram.
And I opened it and he immediately like kind of started yelling at me and telling me to like close out of it like immediately. And I was kind of like, wait, what, why? And I'm not on Instagram anymore, really.
I don't use it very often. So I don't know.
His explanation was was basically like if he looks at like reels or stories or whatever if you open it and then close it and then open it again you miss stuff i guess i don't know that was kind of the explanation i was given and i was pissed and i acted that way so did you actually find anything that upset you i didn't look at it i immediately closed it because he started yelling at me okay well like he was just like why are you going through my phone or yeah he did well he basically was just like and that he said he doesn't care and like he then after as we were like getting into an argument he's like through his phone i mean he's like go through it i don't care i have nothing to hide so that's kind of where i like ended up letting it go because i was like all right but i didn't go through it because i also didn't want to like act like I was accusing him of something. It was just, it was just a really weird, it was weird.
So it just gave you a weird vibe. Yeah.
Yeah. It was shady.
It just felt really shady. How long ago does this happen? Um, maybe like three weeks ago ish, maybe four.
And what's happened since then? Like has the vibes changed? It's why it's still changed? Is it still eating away at you? So we haven't talked about it. To be honest, it's one of those things where I listen to your podcast all the time and you always say, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? So it's one of those things where I was just like, eh, this was weird.
I don't want to question it anymore. And I'd written in to you that night it happened and I didn't honestly think anything of it.
I kind of like moved on with my life. And then I got the response to come on.
And I was like, and I told my husband about it. I didn't even tell him I'd written into you.
And he immediately started spiraling. He's like, well, what are you going to say? What is he going to say? And I was like, and he's like, I didn't even know it bothered you like still.
And I was like, well, yeah. I was like, I don't think about it, but it was shady.
And like was shady and like I got like you gave me your explanation but it was shady and like I still feel like it's shady like and he's like well what can I do to make you like not feel that way and I was like nothing really because you acted that way like you can't undo how you acted was kind of my yeah and also like now he has the benefit of like if he were hiding something on Instagram he now he has the benefit of maybe like covering his tracks so to speak you know like deleting search histories and things like that changing his algorithm maybe i don't know messages and by the way you know do be the saying do you want to be right or do you want to be happy is not meant to like ignore your body or like ignore your instincts just because like you know that doesn't mean being avoidant for the purposes of avoiding finding out various truths um it's more about like the need to feel right and be right right and win an argument over the sake of just to be right.

So just to be clear there.

That being said, he is your husband.

It doesn't sound like you have any plans on leaving him.

It sounds like your goal here is to work through this feeling that he gave you.

So you do have to figure this out with your husband and work through it and work through it with him. At that point, you probably, you should have just gone through it.
I mean. Hindsight's definitely 20-20.
A part of me is like, I feel like I should have just done it. And like, then if I was wrong, just be sorry and kind of move on.
But I just, I don't know. And his reaction was very much like, what are you doing? Explain to me why his reaction in your mind was more than him just getting upset that his wife was like going through his phone.
Because, you know, that in itself, any partner has a right to be like, why are you snooping into my shit? You know? But like, he didn't ask it like that, I'm guessing, right? He didn't say like why are you doing that like almost like like almost a confused like why you like what like why huh and i think that had that been the reaction i probably would have been like i don't know like i'm just nosy and weird i don't know um but i think that's what triggered my reaction too was because he got so heated so quickly that i was like oh my god are you like hiding something, why are you, like, this seems so small to me. Like, it just doesn't seem like that big of a deal.
So that's where I, like, my thing is like, if it was just more of like a, oh, you're just being nosy, that's weird. Why are you being so nosy? Why would the reaction be so intense and so like intent on me shutting it down, like right then and there? So how are you going to work through this with your husband? That's the thing.
I don't know. Cause, and I think I just kind of, I'm very good at compartmentalizing.
Um, that's a skill that I have. And so it's one of those things where I was like, okay, I don't know what to do with this.
So I'm just going to not think about it ever again and just kind of like not think about it or focus on it. So then this has come back up like and we had that conversation i was kind of like i just it's hot like i don't know because it's like he can't undo the reaction um but i also don't want to like i'm like i gotta go through your phone like give me your phone i'm gonna go through it like i don't want to be like that i mean you could just either you could just and say, Hey, listen, like, I know you, I know how you react to things.
That was a reaction of someone who like was startled or like kind of felt like they got caught doing something. My gut just tells me like, I'm not saying you were cheating.
I don't, you know, like God forbid, but like, whatever the reason, like reason like there there there was a reason you reacted that way and the fact that you can't give me an answer that makes sense bothers me so i don't i don't know what to to do and to say like you can just i don't know you could say you could just tell me i you know at some point like that's the thing it's just like you have kind of nothing on him other than this reaction this gut feeling yeah and he's gonna bank on the fact that like you'll get over it or there's nothing he can do about it and you'll let's let's let's say that like all he was doing was like looking up some hotties searching some hotties you know uh maybe he came across like some only fans model and like looked up her instagram or something and was worried that like you would look at a search history and and see that he searched big titty honey i don't know whatever let's assume that's what he did and that's what he's hiding you know what i'm saying like yeah do you think he would admit to that um i don't know like because i would hope that he would know like something that really wouldn't be that big of a deal to me like okay whatever weirdo like i'd probably tease him about it like i'd roast him a little bit about it and like that wouldn't be a big deal to me um just and does he know that you know what i'm saying like does i don't so i would hope that he knows that we've been together for like ever. Like we've been, we were high school sweethearts.
We've been married for four years. We've been together for like 12.
So we've been together a long time. We essentially grew up together.
So I guess I would hope that he would know that that, like, it would be weird. And I'm like, you're weird.
And then like, that would be it. But it wouldn't necessarily bother me.
But is it possible that he thinks that would bother me i guess that's like a possibility i only ask because it's like that would bother a lot of other women right like yeah but all women are different right like you're just like you know i've known this guy forever i don't know like yeah he likes boobs whatever so if he looked up at girls boobs i'm not gonna freak out other women would feel very differently you know saying? But like, do you think your husband, and I only ask because it's like, well, if it's not, you know, if he knows you well enough and knows that that's not big of a deal, like, why would he freak out? You know, like, is there not to like, I'm not trying to put dark thoughts into your mind. Yeah.
I'm just trying to figure out like, I mean, because at the other day that you don't have much to go on, right? Like, and how has your relationship been otherwise um i will say since we've had our son it's been rougher um you know the first year of his life i really became a mom and that became probably almost my entire identity being a mom and you know he didn't share for a really long time how hard that was on him and that he felt like he lost his wife in the process.

And I and he kind of buried that and didn't tell me that for a really long time.

So we ended up doing some counseling like when I found that out and we did like work on some things.

So I think things got better.

And then he he's had some job insecurity and some like stresses with family and things like that.

So I feel like in the opposite, it's kind of been true this last year.

Like his mental health has been really hard and And it's been really hard to navigate because I also have a very tough demanding job. So it's like demanding everyone's mental health at work and then coming home to it as well.
So that's been difficult. So we've definitely had some difficulties.
And I think even recently we had an argument and it's just, I think we're not connecting. So I think that's where like that little bit of fear comes in.
Like, I don't think he would physically do anything, but would he look for something emotional? There is a part of me that's kind of like, maybe. Yeah.
I mean, so listen, I think you're just going to have to try to, if your, if your instinct, your body, your gut, whatever you want to call it, it's telling you like that reaction just was not my husband. And it's like that there's something, I don't know what it is.
I don't know if it's something as silly as him searching an OnlyFans model or maybe he was messaging a girl on Instagram. If your instincts tell you that there's something there, then you're going to have to keep that conversation going with your husband.
So he knows you're calling in and asking my advice about this. He does.
Yeah. Cause I didn't want to hide it.
I wanted to be like, and how nervous was like, and yeah, I mean, he seemed to have a bit of a reaction to it. Like where he did.
Is he like, does he know you're on the call now? Is is he like you're waiting he does yeah he i i use the word spiraling and he didn't love that word um but it did kind of felt like when i told him that like i told him we talked about a little and then like maybe 20 minutes later he brought it up again and then i was like oh like we're talking about this again okay and then he i think it was like one other time he brought it up again i was like like does this bother you like what do you not want me to like i want to respect you um and he was just kind of like he he just said he was worried about like what i might say or what you might say or like you know he was worried about thoughts being put into my head and i was like well that's not what it's for i mean you're gonna yeah that's the thing that the fact that you're calling me and he knows that you're, I suppose in a way he can quote unquote, use that against you and, and then say, well, you know, you didn't think that before you talked to this guy or whatever, I think. And what, what comes down to why you're having this call is because again, your gut tells you like that reaction just wasn't normal.
And people who aren't hiding things don't react that way you know um like yeah it's just like why are you going through my phone like that's a normal reaction to like seeing someone snoop through your shit when you have nothing to hide like especially when you're your partner because like you guys should be in a relationship where like i don't know nally and i like just like i just can't we know each other's passwords sometimes i don't know like you know river might be like holding my phone you know locked because she just wants i don't know she's just holding it or whatever so i'll be like hey i need your phone you're right and we'll we'll use each other's phones for various purposes because like I don't know we just have a lot going on and I'm like can I use your phone for a second I'll go in and whatever and the assumption is we're not snooping or looking right but if I if we were to see the other person kind of like peak it would be like why are you doing that it was it would be like are is there some like you know it'd be that curiosity of like are you feeling a little insecure am I you know it's like again it would be like confusion it would be more questioning it wouldn't be like what the fuck are you doing like oh my god you know like it's like the reaction of like you're you're planning a surprise birthday party you're getting the room ready and then someone walks in to like potentially spoil the surprise and everyone's like what the fuck what you know like again you're you're birthday party. So, you know, I think you just have to stick to your guns.
If that's how you feel, if that's a real feeling you have and just articulate that, just be like, you were definitely hiding something. You know, I think sometimes when people are lying to you, when you are posing that question as like, well, what are you lying? Can you tell me the truth? Did you do this? It tells the person that there is a chance that they, you know, it's like you want to believe them, right? You know, and you're just asking them, you know, could you just tell me, did you do it? Like, can you just tell me, did you say that? You know, what did you do? As opposed to being like, listen, I know you did this.
I know you did something, you know? And I don't, you know, it's like like a more saying it is like, I know. Yeah.
And when you want to come around and tell me the specifics, you can tell me, but like, I I'm confident in this field, like often a lot of people will cave. Okay.
So, and again, you don't know the details. Yeah.
I would just say, I would rearticulate that kind of what you've already said which is people just don't react the way you reacted if you know and i don't know what you're hiding it maybe honestly i'm assuming it's some maybe it's not even that big of a deal maybe you're just afraid i'll get mad i don't know maybe you're and maybe you can make a joke i don't i don't you know what you don't want to feed them too many like you don't want to give them something to admit to, like, especially if there's something greater. It's like, yeah, yeah, I was doing that.
Sure. All right.
And you could just say like, I just know you were hiding something. I can feel it.
And the fact that you're like, it's just like, it just doesn't make sense. So like, I don't, I know you too well to know that like, if, if you didn't want me going through your phone, you wouldn't have gotten angry.
You would have been more confused. You would have just been like, why are you doing that? But you got triggered and you looked almost worried.
You looked worried. And so what were you worried about? You can keep saying, oh, I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to say, blah, blah, blah. But there has to be a reason why you have to talk to him.
Like you're very confident in what you're saying as opposed to like, what did you say? It's just like, I know that reaction was you being afraid of me finding something. I don't know what that something is, but I am confident that your reaction was that because it's just, I know you too long to know that like that you don't act that way.
If you're not, you know, in trouble, you definitely hit that. Like, I do think my body was telling me something.
And when he threw the phone at me, like, I don't know if it was like, just trying to call my bluff. Cause he knew that like, if he gave me the phone, like I wouldn't, I don't know.
And there's a part of me that kind of just wishes I had just did it that and even if i was you know the bad guy in that situation at least i would have had that clarity but you know nothing i can't change it but i also don't want i mean like your initial reaction that that's irrelevant like fine i wouldn't worry about like oh i wish i would react it this way i mean you could have gone through his phone but whatever but in terms how you react, like letting it go for a few weeks, you can bring, you know, you're married. You can bring it back up.
And you can just say like, it's just about this call. So it's, it's going to be, there's going to be a window of opportunity to talk about it.
I mean, ultimately I would, I would downplay the call because honestly, I'm not really like, we're not, I'm not offering that much advice here other than just like trust your gut and see it through and, and have confidence in what your body's telling you. Right.
And I'm not trying to put words in your mouth or anything like that. But if, if your gut tells you like, that was really a weird behavior, you just, you have to say it like that is I know that's not the response I would get get if you didn't want me to see something.
I just don't know what that something is. And you saying it's nothing and you were just, it just, I know that's not true.
That much, and you say like that much, I know that's not true. So I won't lose this feeling until you give me something else other than like making it seem like I did something wrong by going through your phone.
Like, yeah, I shouldn't have gone through your phone, but like that reaction was like just off. And you just have to like, you got to be very confident about saying that so that he decides to, you know, realize that like she's got me, you know, so to speak, you know, it's like type of thing where then he hopefully will admit to it.
And then, you know, again, depending on, you know, fuck, you don't know what he's going to say. So it's hard to make any promises about how you're going to react.
But you could say something like, listen, whatever it is, I mean, and you can make a joke. I hope like, well, well, you know, we've been through a lot.
We'll, we'll hopefully get through that. You know, we'll get through this, but like, let's just, you know, you just got to tell me, you just have to let me know because making it seem like that was a normal reaction to me going through your phone is just not it.
Yeah. And that was like the thing too, is it's like, I got in my head a little bit.
I'm like, was it, you know, he also said like, oh, I had a long day. And he has been quick to temper sometimes because of all the stress he's under.
So then he kind of said that played a part too. And I was like, well, I kind of see that maybe.
But I think that also was me just trying to take kind of the easy way out of it. Yeah, but even if he had a bad day, I'd be like, why are you going through my phone? It's so like uh like you don't you know yeah it's just again you were there i wasn't but we know what guilty people look like you know we know when someone's startled and like they're afraid of like oh you know and that's not i'm in a bad mood i had a long day like why the fuck are you going through my phone like really like really yeah no that makes sense so that's what i do yeah and then i guess i just have to he's he's someone who is very good at work with words i will say that like he's just he's very intelligent he's good with words so i think sometimes like that's where i'll get tripped up because like we'll go back and forth and then eventually i feel like well that's it this doesn't have to be complicated you know what i'm saying it doesn't matter i don't know what good with words are not good with words you're just like listen i know you i know that reaction i saw it doesn't make sense and there's nothing you can say change my mind on that because i know that there is something you're not telling me you know what i'm saying blah, blah.
It really doesn't matter what he's saying because you're just like, I'm not an idiot. Like, I know it in my bones that like that reaction was not the reaction of someone who was just annoyed that his wife was going through his phone.
That was a reaction of someone who thought they got caught. Yeah, I think I did say that.
Like, obviously, a couple weeks ago, but I think at one point I was like, well, can you see that this looks bad? See, that's the difference between, like, again, can you see is a question. That's you asking him, can you see? And then Mr.
Good with words can be like, well, no, I mean, because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then he can come up with some sort of other example or analogy as to why you don't make sense and he does.
You're just like, listen, it doesn't make sense. I know this, right? Like that's the language you need to use because that's what you're confident in.
And you're not giving him a chance to explain himself out of this jam. You're just simply saying, you can tell me, you can not tell me.
And I don't know if it's something that's stupid as you like searching for a pair of boobs and you just felt stupid. Like, because, you know, you don't want me to like, I don't know.
Maybe it was like, he was watching some porn and he was worried about like the Google history because like some of these porn names are like, have, you know, I don't know. Maybe he just felt a little embarrassed and silly, but you could say like, I don't know, maybe it's something is silly that you just felt embarrassed by, but either way, there's just something you're not telling me.
Don't ask what it's like. And that's the thing.
It's you have to make statements, not questions. Okay.
If you want me to get over this, then you're just going to have to tell me the thing that you're not telling me. Yeah.
And like, I kind of want to say like, like, I promise like no matter what it is, we're going we're gonna work through but there also is a part of me you can't promise that be like listen you just say we've been through so much we've gotten through a lot i hope you at least give me a chance for us to work through whatever it is because i don't even know if it's silly or serious but it's something right so that's a good point yeah because you you're right you do want to create some kind of safe environment to like tell you the truth right because that's the thing like that's what i worry about like if worse and like my worst case on that situation is just like there is something going on he was like talking to somebody my worst fear is like you're not going to tell me because you think i won't ever forgive you because like i've talked you know you know you are you're married with kids so you know people marry kids they get through a lot i mean you know yeah worst case scenario he's fucking some other woman right like obviously talked, you know, we've talked about that. You know, you are, you're married with kids.
So, you know, people with kids, they get through a lot. I mean, you know, worst case scenario, he's fucking some other woman, right? Like obviously that would, you know, and there's an emotional and that would be terrible.
And you might want to leave that relationship, but also like, maybe you're, you know, I don't know, maybe, maybe you decide to, you know, reflect on the past relation, the past couple of years. And since you've had a kid, you're, you know, and again, it's not okay.
I'm just saying like, you don't know what you're, you don't even know what you're even willing to work on because you just don't know. And until you face something like that, you just don't really know what you're willing to do or not do, you know, but you can say, listen, we have a family together.
My first choice is always going to be figure this shit out with you, you know? So I just need you to tell me because this sucks like constantly knowing that you're not telling me something and not knowing if it's something like you watched a weird porno that i would just kind of tease you about and you just got embarrassed and that's why your reaction was that or it's something you know that's going to be harder for me to swallow and and really hurt me i don't know but maybe that's the way you can convince them because you're i'm thinking the worst and maybe it's this and the hope is it's like again something that's more embarrassing for him rather than he's actually doing something wrong and so you're just like i you know because i'm thinking of the craziest shit so i just you're you again, that the thing that you'd have to just

repeat over and over with confidence is that, you know, there's something he's not telling you.

And it's that simple. Yeah.
And I guess like my worst case scenario, like if he just doubles down

and like sticks to the story of, he just didn't want to miss the reels or whatever it is on

Instagram. I don't know.
It's like, then what, you know, cause he, he is stubborn. So if he

decides that he's going to stick to that, that's what it's going to be. So like, that's like couples there.
Are you going to jump, you know, could jump back in a couple, you know, cause listen, it's a good, a good, good time to maybe jump back in. There's clearly a disconnect, right? So, you know, and maybe, I don't know, maybe you guys will be able to unpack some stuff in couples therapy that will, you know, I don't know, maybe, maybe there's a world where telling the truth.
I don't know, but you know, you feel how you feel. Your body's usually only always right.
I don't know you, but I'm getting the sense that you don't have like a history of being an overly paranoid person. Have you convinced yourself of things in the past that ended up being not true? Like, do you create problems in your head? If you asked my husband, he would say probably yes.
Do you have an example? I make things bigger than they are. I don't mean bigger than they are.
I just mean like, there's a, no, I'm not talking about exaggerating a story. I'm talking about literally, like when people always ask, what's the difference between like following your gut and being crazy? And I always say like following your gut or listening to your body is responding to a feeling or something that's happening.
And being crazy is just like making up scenarios in your head. Like your boyfriend, your husband's out past, you know, a little late than usual.
And you just decided he was probably with another woman or something. You know, it's just's going nine steps further you know yeah the thing yeah i mean i i think that there's been like i don't want to say history of that but i think there's been times where like i may think like the worst or something if i don't hear like something unexpected happens and i'm like wait what what's going on but i also feel like i don't i don't know like i don't know i just i feel like in this situation like he might say like i'm making more of it what it is like in his mind it wasn't even that like big of a deal or so he says well again maybe it's not right again back to this only fans analogy i'm not telling anyone who's listening what to think or feel about this but like a married guy who's married his high school sweetheart had a kid together watching porn or like, you know, it's not the end of the world, right? Nope.
But like it might make your partner feel a little insecure or embarrassed and he might feel a little silly about it. And yeah, it could definitely be something like that.
And he's thinking like, you know, his reaction with his body was that embarrassment and then he doesn't want to, you know, so like it definitely could be something like that. It probably is, you know his reaction was body was that embarrassment and then he doesn't want you know so like definitely definitely could be something like that it probably is you know but your point is it's something and he is trying to pretend that he was you know being you know he wanted to maintain where he was when it's going for real like i okay i guess uh yeah that just sounds bullshit it just sounds like bullshit yeah it no and that's how i felt in that in that moment but then i just like i could and again i wasn't coming like you have now given me some really good advice that i can kind of go into the conversation very differently because at the time like well first of all it was heated so like there was a lot of emotion but i definitely was all like i was asking questions like i wasn't like very confident that i knew something was up it was just like i thought something was up lot of emotion, but I definitely was all like, I was asking questions.
Like I wasn't like very confident that I knew something was up. It was just like, I thought something was up.
Yeah. And again, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but that is how you feel.
Be confident in your feeling. And, and, and, and yeah, just calmly just be like, you know, if you want me to get over this, then you're going to have to give me something other than making me feel like I'm crazy.
Okay. And I mean, he did say that.
He said, what can I do to help you feel better about this? So I guess I should have said, just tell me the truth. Tell me.
Whatever it is. Just be like, I know you're not telling me something.
I just don't know if that something is like a silly thing where I'm going to roll my eyes and you just felt a little embarrassed or if it's bigger than that. And it's something we're going to really have to work through.
I don't know, but it is something and I'm confident about that. Okay.
I think I can do that. Okay.
Well, good luck. Keep me posted.
I will. All right.
Bye-bye. Thank you so much.
All right. Take care.
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So visit CarawayHome.com slash V-I-A-L-L-1-0 and use code V-I-A-L-L-1-0 at checkout. Caraway, non-toxic cook cookware made modern how's it going hi nick i'm lexi i'm 33 years old and i had an affair during my marriage and i spent my entire relationship with my ex-boyfriend paying for it okay so now you're single now i'm single as of four days ago That was four days ago.
Okay. So just to recap, you were married.
You had an affair.

That marriage ended. Was your boyfriend that you dated the person you had the affair with, or is that someone else? No, he was not.
I met him about a month after I separated from my ex-husband. I wasn't divorced yet, but the time that I had separated from my ex-husband was also the same time that I had ended things with the person that I had the affair with.
So when I met my boyfriend, I was no longer talking to the person that I had the affair with, but about two years into our relationship, he found out about it. About two years into your relationship with your ex-boyfriend he found out about your affair yeah and why how did he find out and why did it take two years um I'm going to start crying but um it it mostly was that I just didn't want to tell him what was going on.
He had gone through my phone multiple times. He

had looked through my emails. He had looked through my DMs, seen pictures of me on this guy's page, just a couple pictures of me.
But it wasn't anything that was like we were in a relationship. It didn't give that vibe.
But eventually, he saw some emails in my phone and he was wondering, why are you calling him babe? What kind of relationship did you have with him? And I just

thought... but eventually you know he saw some emails in my phone and he was wondering why are you calling him babe what kind of relationship did you have with him and I just thought I can't keep living this lie anymore I can't just keep saying that we were really close friends so I eventually told him I said are you talking about your husband relationship no I'm talking about my my ex-boyfriend My husband knew about it um that wasn't the only cause of our marriage ending my my ex-husband wanted to work on things but i just didn't want to anymore gotcha yeah so what do you mean like so he was what was he he was he going your ex-boyfriend going through your stuff yeah he was he would go through my phone in the middle of In the middle of the night, I would be sleeping.
He'd go through my phone. He'd look through my emails.
One time I got my wisdom teeth out and while he was waiting at the waiting room, he looked through my phone as I was passed out. And were you still talking to the person you had an affair with while dating your ex-boyfriend? No, I wasn't.
I tried to delete as many messages and emails as I could, but I missed some in my email. Gotcha.
So I guess back to my original question is like, I guess, why didn't you, when you got into your relationship with your ex-boyfriend, I mean, every time we meet someone, right? There's always like, there's at some point, you know, a little bit of like, tell me about your past, right? You know, rosters, whatever, history, have you ever cheated on someone? Yada, yada, yada. Did that ever come up? Or like, did you avoid the question? Or what stopped you from just saying, hey, I got there's something I need to tell you? it did definitely come up but I just didn't want to

I knew that it was something in my past that I had I felt like I was still paying for with my

ex-husband and you know with the dissolution of our family um but I didn't feel like I needed to

be honest about that because I just didn't want to keep like having to relive the mistake

through my through my relationship at the time and in hindsight I really should have because

Thank you. because I just didn't want to keep having to relive the mistake through my relationship at the time.
And in hindsight, I really should have, because ultimately, it really led to the downfall of our relationship, was the lying, and he wasn't sure if he could trust me by the time I finally told him. Yeah.
As far as the affair, did you ever discover or do any work on yourself to identify what caused you to have the affair?

Yeah, I am currently in therapy. And at the time, during the end of my affair, I was in therapy at that time, but then I stopped for a little bit.
And then I went back to therapy. But I realized that I was just seeking a lot of attention at the time.
I just had our third kid when I met this person that I had the affair with. And I felt very, I guess, invisible in a way.
I was home with the kids a lot. And my ex-husband, he was busy at work.
And when he would come home, he was still busy with other stuff that he didn't do. So I just felt very unattractive and very invisible.
And throughout my relationship with my ex-husband, the intimacy was really lacking. I always talk about how my kids are literally miracles because the number of times that we would have sex was like twice a year.
And I had kids, like three kids back to back to back, you know? So I just didn't feel that connection with him. Yeah.
And obviously your ex-husband is still in the picture since you still share children together, yeah? Yeah. And how did your ex-boyfriend, what was his relationship with your ex-husband? It was incredibly bad.
They had, they went to court over three restraining orders. My ex-husband filed three restraining orders against my ex-boyfriend and they were all dismissed.
The first one was that he was being aggressive towards him when my ex-husband came to pick up my daughter from my house. And my ex-boyfriend went out there and he said, you know, you're not allowed to come in here.
And my ex-husband didn't like that when he filed a restraining order against that. That one got dropped.
Then the second one happened because my ex-boyfriend went up to him during a football game for my son. And he said, you know, you're not allowed to speak to Lexi in that way.
You can't be rude to her. And my ex-husband said, you know, I don't like how you're confronting me.
And so then he filed another restraining order. That one went to court and then it got dismissed because they settled.
And the third time it was over something else that was extremely similar

to that but it wasn't there was no physical blows it was just a lot of like tension and words and it's it's literally two personalities that do not understand each other and my ex-husband is very gentle and my ex-boyfriend is very aggressive well i mean usually gentle people don't file restraining orders constantly.

Yes. gentle and my boyfriend is very aggressive well i mean usually gentle people don't file restraining orders constantly yes so they usually don't um i i i don't i don't really know i he's my husband had spoken to me about it before um probably let me rephrase the uh you know these the way you're describing it you know it sounds like in your words words, these are obviously confrontations, but they're just disagreements amongst two people, and they seem fairly petty, and they were dropped.
It seems like your ex-husband was using it more as a tactic to fight this guy, in a way, rather than protect a restraining your, was your husband in any way thinking he was in danger?

I don't think so because he's spoken to me about it.

About six months ago,

he sent me a message and he said,

I know now that the restraining orders that I've filed were hasty and I

shouldn't have done that.

So I,

I think he was just feeling threatened at that time,

maybe not physically,

but just emotionally, you know, and his status as a dad and everything like that. That was how he reacted in the moment.
And what's your relationship with your ex-husband now? We are still not good, mostly because of, I'm sorry I'm crying so much, but we are still not good, mostly because of my ex-boyfriend and our relationship and my need to kind of protect my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I wanted to make sure that my ex-husband knew that there were boundaries between, you know, you can't come over to my place.
You're filing restraining orders against somebody. You can't approach us in a parking lot if you say that this person is a danger to you but why are you approaching us I just needed to create that physical and like distance I just needed to create distance period between the both of us and I've never I've never I've thought about kind of reconciling that difference a little bit now that my ex-boyfriend is no longer in the picture but I think it's just it's too soon for that you mentioned you wanted to protect your relationship with your ex-boyfriend is no longer in the picture, but I think it's just, it's too soon for that.
You mentioned you wanted to protect your relationship with your ex-boyfriend. I get in the sense that you justify lying because you tell yourself you're protecting yourself or something or relation, you know, the classic line that has always been triggering for me.
I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to get mad. I didn't tell you because I knew you would be upset.
I didn't tell you because of, you know, because like, you know, as if there's a justification for lying. And I think you seem very, that that is a, I don't know, a default or something.
I think you've become very comfortable with. Would that be accurate? Oh, absolutely.
Because I spent two years basically lying to my ex-husband. And then after that, I continued- And your ex-boyfriend.
That's right. And then I continued that lie on for an additional two years.
And eventually when it came out and I started telling the truth about things, it was too late. Yeah.
And it's not that I currently have that justification. I definitely justified it in the past.
And I thought, I certainly deserve some empathy for the fact that I lied because I didn't want to get in trouble. But now I see you just don't lie, period.
Because it's going to come out. What do you mean you deserved empathy and from who? Well, I thought at the time when, told my ex-boyfriend about the affair, he also had a little dalliance with a girl that he told

me not to be worried about during like the first six months of our relationship. Okay.
They had,

you know, gone out one-on-one. She took him out for his birthday.
He didn't go out with me on his

birthday. Um, they would meet up, they would flirt at work.
He would invite her over to like watch

him play games and stuff like that. And he had lied to me about it for two years.
So kind of in conjunction with the time that my affair came out, I found out stuff about this girl. And it took me reaching out to the girl for her to actually send me pictures and let me know this is the timeline.
And then for me to look through his Venmo transaction Venmo transaction history and see, like, that they did indeed, you know, hang out. And she sent him money and things like that.
You were married. You had an affair.
You got divorced. Then at some point, the man you had an affair with, that relationship ended.
How much time between that did you meet your boyfriend? So the time that I got divorced and the time that the affair ended was the same time. The time that I met my boyfriend was a month after that.
Okay. Yeah.
Are you pretty uncomfortable being alone? Yeah. Cause you know, I was married for 10 years and I met my ex-husband when I was at college when I was 19.
And he's the first person that I really considered an actual relationship. And then right after that ended, I got into this relationship with this new person.
So yeah, definitely very uncomfortable. I'm 33.
Okay. You're still really young.
Yeah. I mean, listen, your question was, should I be still paying for my affair or something to that effect, right? If it feels like you're still paying for it, it's because you've never really faced it.
You've never really dealt with it. That's what I'm hearing.
You had an affair, your ex-husband found out he wanted to work on it. You didn't, you left a relationship a month goes by.
That's no time at all. You probably weren't even divorced by the time you met your ex-boyfriend, right? Like I'm guessing you were just separated.
You weren't even fully divorced. So like, then you're already in this new relationship.
I'm guessing you didn't really do the work to really understand what caused you to, to do what you did. Yeah, you could sit there and tell me you felt unseen, alone, whatever.
Clearly the relationship wasn't healthy, but again, you made the choice to have the affair as opposed to dealing with the issue in your relationship. It's understanding why you made those choices.
In life, we either make healthy choices or unhealthy? Like every choice that we make usually is one of the two. Like even our healthy choices sometimes don't work out, but like we often make choices that don't serve us.
You know, for example, a lot of our choices around happiness, right? Is that happiness short-term happiness? Is it long-term happiness? Is it happiness that we, you know, an orgasms, I guess, happiness, but like, will that orgasm last beyond five minutes past the sex? You know, that's maybe a bad analogy, but you get what I'm saying, right? So I'm getting the sense from you, you make a lot of unhealthy choices, you know, and sometimes unhealthy choices compound and snowball because it's just, we're trying to mask a previous choice that didn't pan out. And so then we rush into another choice, et cetera, et cetera.
You have not faced the fact that you had an affair. And if you met a new guy tomorrow, do you even know how you would handle that conversation? I actually had somebody hit on me at Costco yesterday.
And it's not like I was interested in looking or anything, but he said, can I have your number? And I said, no, I'm vibing alone for the foreseeable future. And he said, well, then can I give you my number so that when this foreseeable future is over, you can reach out.
And I just said, I'm not going to use it. I just know that it's important for me to learn how to be alone, but not feel lonely.
And it's important for me to kind of get my own self-esteem back and build up, you know, what's, what's, what I really need to work on. Um, because I can't keep getting into relationships and expecting those relationships to fix me or make me feel like the way that I'm being is validated and just.
Yeah. Well, that's a step in the right direction.
But yeah, I mean, you have to be able to own what you did, first and foremost. It happened.
You did it. It was a mistake.
You sound regretful, but the solution to that mistake isn't to lie about the mistake and pretend it didn't happen because you're afraid other people will judge you. I mean, listen, people are going to judge you.
You're not the only one who's had affairs. People have affairs.
Your next partner may have also participated in an affair or maybe they've also been cheated on. You can't guarantee if someone's going to accept you.
I can promise you that if your goal is to meet a person and be in a healthy relationship with a generally emotionally healthy person, their willingness to accept you won't be based off of whether you had or hadn't had an affair. It will be how you talk about your decisions and how you got to where you are today.
So that if you, let's say, had an affair, people are going to want to know, are you that person who had the affair? To be honest, you're probably not too much different today than the person who had the affair with your husband. Yeah.
And I definitely see that because I didn't heal from that. And then I rushed into a relationship.
And now I'm not only having to heal from the affair, but I'm now having to heal from this new relationship. And so it's not like you didn't exactly because it's not like you didn't know that affair was wrong when you were having the affair.
And I'm guessing at times you felt guilt about the affair when you're having the affair. So it's not like, oh, I know it's wrong now.
You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, whatever broken part of you caused you to make those unhealthy and toxic choices sounds like it's pretty still broken. Right.
And so the answer to your question is like, well, I have to keep paying for my affair. Well, the answer is yes, until you really decide to really deal with this.
And, and it sounds like you very much are on the right track. You know, it's like, you don't have to not give out your number, but yeah, like, I think you have to be, I mean, for the time being, I think it's good that you are alone.
I mean, your relationship's four days old, you know, like, and you have three children, you're clearly not alone. You know, it may not be the type of companionship I know you're looking for, but like, honestly, like hard, hard to be that present of a parent when you are, when you're spiraling this.
And I have a lot of close people in my life who have parents who never figured their own shit out in their relationships. All of those kids who are now adults at times feel very alienated by their parents.
And I empathize with their parents because it's like their parents never found it, right? They never found the thing that they were looking for. They have a handful of broken relationships after broken relationship because they never really dealt with it, right? And the person and the parent in that scenario always, you know, kind of always feels justified because they feel like, well, I just haven't found it, you know? And then their kids get older, right? And boy, what happens if their kids are in a healthy relationship? Then the parent almost feels like, well, you're good.
I still want to find what you found. But that child who's now an adult, right? Still wants a parent to be present, to be there, to not feel like...
What you don't want is when your kids get older to feel like they're the adult and you're the, and you're the child. Cause mom's still trying to figure out her shit.
Yeah. I kind of at the conclusion of, you know, my relationship with my ex, my boyfriend, the time that the secret about the affair came out was two years into our relationship.
We were together for about three and a half. And so, you know, the next three, the next year and a half was very tumultuous.
It was more tumultuous than it was before, but it kind of escalated to the point where, you know, we had broken up multiple times and he had left our place multiple times and come back and things like that. And I, as of four days ago, I just thought like, I, I owe it to my, to my kids to at least show them what a healthy boundary is like.
If I can't show them a healthy relationship, it's healthy self-love. It's being able to walk away from things that, that don't align with you anymore.
And that, you know, if somebody is mistreating you or speaking poorly to you and they keep doing that, then they should no longer be in your life. Yeah.
Well, also, I mean, maybe now is the time to really just be a mom and really be present with your kids and not wonder if you're going to find love or think about your relationship problems or think, you know, just really, you know, be a mom right now, you know, like, yeah, it would be nice to have that companionship, but you like, clearly you're clearly someone who's your problem. Isn't having boyfriends or, or finding men.
That's not your problem. It's I'm guessing you've probably had boyfriends or men in your life.
Most of your life. Yeah.
So, you know, and that's always, you know, like a lot of these examples, it's not like, yeah, it's never someone who has a hard time finding people. It's the people they find or how they handle themselves in the relationship or their propensity or willingness to lie or cover or avoid the real issues and things like that.
So your boyfriend breaking up with you sounds like it was the best thing for you. It doesn't sound like that was a very healthy relationship.
You know, these restraining orders that your husband issued on this guy, yeah, sound weird. And maybe he was like frivolous, but like, I don't know, the way you described your ex-boyfriend as a very aggressive person.
And I'm guessing maybe he didn't help the situation either. Then coupled with the fact that he had his own bullshit and lies, yada, yada, yada.
It took him breaking up with you to get out of this relationship, a relationship that you probably, a healthier version of you would have said, this is not the relationship for me. And I'm not trying to be hard on you here, but you need to think about the fact that you brought a man to your son's football game and caused drama.
Right. Yeah, that is so true.
You know what I'm saying? Like, you got to think about like the fact that like you brought a man to your son's football game and caused drama right and like yeah that is so true you know what i'm saying like you got to stop that shit you got to stop putting yourself and ultimately your kids in these situations and you're just you have to be a tougher critic on yourself you know and i think my guess is you've probably fallen victim to this need of attention or whatever it is and that has been been your motivation. And you have painted yourself as a victim at times in these situations, because maybe you did feel lonely or you felt unseen or lost or scared or whatever.
And these are all valid feelings, but you weren't willing to take a look at yourself in the mirror to understand why we are having these feelings and the role you're playing in these feelings. You would just look to mask those feelings.
And obviously part of that was like the affair or, and even maybe this boyfriend, why you chose this boyfriend, you know, maybe a mask, certain things. So like now is like, hopefully a wake up call to be alone right now, focus on being a mom, work on yourself, invest in yourself, really just take a step back, start making healthier choices.
And then when you do get back into dating, date very slow and listen to your body. You need to understand what it feels like when you have that need for attention and to be able to identify that and things like that.
But have you had some like past trauma as a child? You know, like, I mean, what was your relationship with your parents? You know, like, is there some childhood stuff you need to unpack with your therapist? Because I'm guessing, you know, there usually is with people. Yeah.
I had very, um, my, my, my parents growing up, you know, they, up until like I was 28 years old, I would have my mom just yell at me and start throwing stuff in my room with my kids nearby and things like that. So I certainly feel the void of that love from my parents.
Our relationship now is a lot better, but I'm still very cautious because every time I've trusted the relationship getting better, it just kind of slides back into things being bad. Yeah.
I mean, who knows why it's quote unquote better now. Maybe it's better because you've made certain concessions or something.
I don't know. Yeah.
But I've definitely come to terms with, you know, I didn't have the healthiest childhood growing up. I had a mom who she felt that because her childhood was difficult, that fine needed to be as well.
And I had a father who he was very stern with her sometimes, but he didn't really stand up for us when things were wrong.

So I held a lot of resentment for him. And then when I would try to go no contact with them because they were treating me poorly, even as an adult with three children, they would still try to play the victim like, oh, so you don't want us in your kids' lives? Then fine, you know, we'll leave.
And I was like, no, I'm telling you, I want you in my kids' lives, but only if you're going to be healthy enough in their presence. Yeah.
So I, I definitely feel that I'm attention seeking. Well, I mean, it makes sense.
And again, like you're, you're starting to, you're starting to see this stuff. So it's, you're not, you're not so far gone.
And then listen, like when it comes to this stuff, like you always got to look for the silver lining. You said you're 33.
I mean, you're still really young, but you know, obviously women have to think about their biological clock and maybe you want more children, but you have three children. So in terms of working on yourself, you have time, right? Yeah.
So you can be patient with yourself, but you have a chance here to really change some really bad behaviors in the past. And you have a chance here to really change some generational trauma when it comes to your family.
Yeah. Up until now, you've done nothing but to continue these bad choices in this trauma.
And that's why I think you really need to see this breakup as a blessing. And I know you're sad and you're grieving, but you really need to see what I'm seeing, hopefully, as hopefully a new start.
And if you really feel like this affair is still hanging, this shadow hanging over you, Understanding why that is, is a big first step.

Because again, you still haven't,

you're still that same kind of broken person that felt the need to have an affair

when her needs weren't being met.

When you couldn't find happiness inside your marriage,

you made a toxic choice rather than a healthy choice.

Yeah, about two months ago,

when the dissolution of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend really started happening, he had broken up with me. And the next day he came back as he typically does.
And he said, I'm so sorry, I want to get back together. And I just said, no, clearly we need to work on things and I'm happy working on things with you, but without this relationship hanging in the balance.
So then it kind of sort of became the situation, Jeff. And then it really like became something that was incredibly toxic and very, um, he wanted me to still, he wanted to keep going at me for the affair and still keep asking me questions and still kind of keep making me relive it.
But at some point I just said, I don't want to keep doing that because I've given you all the answers and over the past year and a half, I've given you all the answers. We've talked about it as much as we can.
And it's just not healthy for us to keep resurrecting the problem essentially. And I wrote in my journal a week ago, I said something like, I'm so grateful that he let me go because I knew that I wouldn't have done it.
But him letting me go in that moment kind of start was the catalyst to really just seeing how the choices that I was making still in my relationship with him were just not the healthiest for me. What if he comes back in a week? Well, he actually still has the keys to our apartment that we do share.
So I really don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do.
But why do you what do you mean you don't know? I'm kind of like afraid if that were to happen, because his presence over the last like two months just kind of kept on making me scared. And I thought I shouldn't be I shouldn't constantly be afraid of somebody being around me.
And what are you scared? Are you like literally scared of him or are you scared about how you feel about him and you're willing to enforce a boundary with him? He is very aggressive. So, you know, he can get extremely angry.
His presence does make me afraid because I, it's very like loud.'s actually do people know this I mean do you have

do you do you have friends in a circle to yeah I do uh one of my best friends she lives like 20

minutes away from me and she does know about this and but it's only just started kind of coming to

light could you ask I mean could you just reach out to him and say you know like as nice as possible

like I mean he's planning on moving out correct as as you know, he's all his stuff is gone. He hasn't lived here for the past two months ever since he broke up with me.
Everything's gone, but he still has the key. Can you change the locks? His name is on the lease still.
So I don't know if I can change the locks, but I can always see if they would let me or at least have some kind of. But you've been paying the rent for the past couple of months, can't you? Yeah, I've been paying the rent.
I think that they just have a process where you have to have him sign off on it as well. And I just don't know if he would or if he would care to.
How much is left on your lease?

We just moved in here like two months ago.

So I have like 11 months left on my lease.

I have a long time left on my lease.

Yeah.

And he does have this habit of kind of coming in when I'm asleep and knocking on the bedroom door and wanting to talk to me in the middle of the night.

He's woken me up multiple times in the middle of the night ever since he broke up with me

two months ago and wanting to scream at me about something. Yeah, I mean, that can't...
Yeah, I've definitely looked into getting at least one of those things that you buy on Amazon, then you just put it on your door and it stops, even if the lock is open, it stops the door from opening. I mean, my advice to you is look into every solution you can to try to protect yourself from him having access to come into your room and if it's reach out to your landlord and understand the process you know my boyfriend and I signed a lease together we're not dating he still has a key you know without giving too much away just be like what does that look like trying to you know he doesn't live with me anymore but he is on the lease and he has a key.
Can I change the locks? I don't like he's come in before. I just need to protect myself type of thing.
What does that, you know, what does that look like? Understand your options. And then I'm guessing you feel like if you were to just reach out to him to say, Hey, yeah, I'd like to get you off the lease.
He, you're, you're thinking he wouldn't want to do that so that he could still barge in whenever he wanted to. Yeah.
He would barge in probably whenever he wanted to. And also I don't, I don't want to, I'm in this moment of like deep hurt.
And while I'm feeling all these feelings, you know, missing the person that I thought he was or missing the future that we had planned together that never came to fruition. I just don't want to have like a moment of weakness and feel like he would be able to talk to me about things because I finally was brave enough and smart enough to block him on everything, you know, so that he couldn't reach out and he couldn't get to me unless he physically comes here and tries to see me.
Yeah, it's a tough situation. I will certainly look into what it takes to get him off the lease at the very least if nothing else at least yeah you should at least have someone come in put some additional security or locks on your door so that he can't barge in in the middle of the night yeah yeah i'm definitely going to look into that and make something happen because at that point if he's like banging your door being loud i think you can call the police or whatever and like then maybe you're in a position to you could file a restraining order you know like that if you needed to yeah it's really crazy because he is in law enforcement oh yes and one time you know we were arguing up here and he was yelling at me calling me names and our neighbor from downstairs came upstairs and knocked on the door and said,

you know, if I don't see her right now, and if I don't see that she's okay right now, I'm going to, I'm going to call and say that it's domestic violence. And then he got upset with me for that.
And, um, yeah, it was, so he's a, he's a cop. Yes, he is.
He is. I know yeah

just one of those things that kind of makes like you, your stomach turn a little bit. What do you think about him being still being in law enforcement? And I just hope he's operating with the assumption that he's protected.
He could, he could. I really don't know, but I don't see why he would think that he isn't protected.
Because when the neighbor downstairs came upstairs, my ex-boyfriend was all like, you made me yell at you. You made me so upset and things like that.
And I was just, you shouldn't yell. When was the last time he showed up at your place? Four days ago when I broke up with him and I blocked him on everything.
And I said, I never want to speak to you and everyone talked to you ever again you know i'm done then i sent that text i blocked him on everything and he showed up i was sleeping and he knocks on my bedroom door and i'm just like what are you doing here he's just like i just want you to know i love you i get that you're done and i just sat there and I didn't say a single word and then he left let me see knocking your bedroom door at least yes well listen you got to deal with this ex-boyfriend shit first so you can so that you're not like constantly worried about him showing up because like obviously how can you start healing when you're still like dealing with this toxicity so that's priority number one is to try to figure that situation out and then you need to heal from your whole life you know you really need to like be alone and heal and deal and deal with this affair and heal from this affair and understand why you made those choices and really take your time and And really, yeah, I would put men and relationships on the back burner for a while. And I'd really focus on yourself, focus on your children, focusing on mending your relationship with your ex-husband, not, for the sake of co-parenting, just really just try to have a healthy relationship with him in a way that's civil.
Just try to bring peace into your life with the people who are in your life, your parents. Obviously, this doesn't mean giving in to certain things or accepting bad behavior.
You still want to have your boundaries, but you have no peace in your life. It's just all turmoil.
And you are the constant here, So you need to sit back and understand what's causing

you to put yourself in these situations and really try to heal. And I would take all the

time you need. And in the meantime, I would really immerse yourself into being a mom and being present for your children and showing up for them constantly and having them see a mom that doesn't have drama in her life constantly.
Your kids, you know this, right? They're smart. They're intuitive.
They need to see a healthy, new, happy mom. And if I were you, that would be all I cared about for the next, I don't know, several years.
Yeah, you're right about that. So hopefully this was helpful.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a tough situation, but this can be a turning point in your life, you know? And I would take it very seriously.
Otherwise, fast forward, you know, it's a blink of an eye. You're going to be in your fifties or sixties and you don't want to be the person who's has, you know, simply like three more ex-boyfriends and then your kids are all adults and they're just like, yeah, you know, your mom she's just a fucking mess when it comes to men and then you know and then you're still bringing men drama into your life when your kids are just looking for a mom to maybe enjoy their grandchildren or things like that like you're very young you have a long you know but like figure it out now because you still have a long life ahead of you to like have a very peaceful and happy life.
And this could be a turning point in your life. And you can look back at a life that used to be full of turmoil, but you've really turned a corner and you, you have control over this.
Like you can do it, but you have to hold yourself accountable and just face the reality of situation and stop running from it. Yeah, I do.
I. I definitely plan to be alone for a while.
I just need to establish some peace and some self-respect and work on things that I already do have rather than putting things that I do have to the wayside to try and get new things. Yeah, and you're in therapy now, you mentioned? Yeah, I am.
And what conversations are you having with your therapist now? We definitely do talk a lot about my ex-boyfriend because when I started meeting with her, things were still evolving with him. But it's been very insightful because it's a lot of what can you do about the situation now versus let's harp on what happened in the past.
It's what can you do if as a healthy Lexi versus an unhealthy Lexi, like what the person that you see yourself in three years, what would that person want the person today to do to get there? Yeah. I would want for you to unpack why you make some of the choices that you make, you know, I would want you to, I still, you know, it's not like, not like, I don't want you to relitigate the past or ruminate over past relationships, but you do need to understand why you make some of these choices a little bit better than I think you do now.
Yeah. Life is all about, especially emotional maturity for me, my definition, I don't know if it's an accurate one, but life happens, situations happen.
And like I said before, we feel happy, sad, triggered, whatever. We cannot control our feelings about a situation.
Our feelings are very kind of an in-the-moment reaction. But how we react to those feelings makes a huge difference between toxic people and healthy people, mature people and emotionally immature people.

And the more mature and emotionally regulated and healthy people

make healthy reactions to these feelings.

And so it doesn't matter if they're depressed, happy, or sad.

They make less reactive choices.

They make choices that not only serve them well in the short run,

but also serve them well in the long run and things like that. Because right now you're making choices and it's all about masking a problem.
You feel pain, you make a choice to try to solve that pain. You're playing catch up, you're reacting to the last moment, right? And that's how you get into these situations.
But you need to be able to take a step back step back and like, again, process your feelings. You know, if it's with the therapist, I'm feeling this, I would normally react to this.
I don't want to make, you know, the same type of choices and really get better at that and get better at removing yourself from drama, not seeking it out, you know, seeking out peace, you know, and yeah, I would take your time. Yeah.
All right. Well, thank you so much, Nick.
I appreciate you. I appreciate you as well.
Sorry, going through this. I would love for you to keep checking in and give us an update.
But again, remember prior number one, deal with the deal with your shit with this ex-boyfriend, you know, whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe, make yourself safe. So that's not something that you're have to always look over your shoulder.
And then once that's done, really take the time to heal, do the work you need to do, focus on yourself, be a mom. And then over time, you can look for love.
Yeah. I'm excited to just be me right now.
I feel like I need to come home to myself. But thank you, Nick.
All right. Take care.
All right, bye-bye. Bye-bye.
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We know pools. How's it going? Hey, I am Jessica.
I'm 33. And my ex says he wants his family back, but I just found out he got his hinge hookup pregnant.
Okay. And when he says his family back, does that mean like you and- And our daughter.
And your daughter. We have a five-year-old.
Okay. And then how did you find out he got his hinge hookup pregnant? On a Facebook dating group called, Are We Dating the Same Guy? Oh, okay.
And it was sent by a friend as a screenshot. And when he says he wants it back, why did he lose his family in the first place? A lot.
A lot of work that needed to be done. We did therapy.
I felt after a while, I felt like nothing was really changing. And as a mother now, it's not about me anymore.
It's also about most importantly, her and not having her in that type of environment. So I sat with it.
And when I was ready, I made a decision to move. And just out of curiosity, why are you even, I mean, I love that where I get to meet you and i get to talk to you so don't take this the wrong way but why are you even calling me and asking my opinion about this as opposed to just being like no it's i need some tough love okay it's been we were together 12 years all right um i probably should have left a long time ago okay um shoulda coulda woulda but but you but you did leave so that's but I did yes I did leave and I feel like a part of me still had some slight hope that he would do things not for me but for himself and do the work going I feel a little blindsided, hurt that he pretty much made me feel all year like he wanted us back, that he's willing to do the work, that this is, you know, to please give him a chance, making me feel like it was up to me to make the decision if I have my dream family back or not and to feel like he his priorities were somewhere else hurts you know um that he didn't do the work he didn't go to therapy he was honest about it um and I know I've noticed it all year but to find out that he you know got somebody else pregnant and that chance of me that little glimmer of having my family back is like gone.
And I need some, yeah, I do need the tough love to like, this is it, Jen. Well, I mean, listen, I don't think it's any more gone than it was before.
And him getting someone else pregnant, that really doesn't change the equation. What I mean by that is just like, I mean, I was always, honestly, it's kind of a blessing, you know blessing you know because you know two things when I'm hearing from you is one listen when it is nice to know we're missed there's that right it is nice to know people regret fucking up with us you know the dangers of that is even though our egos love it it's nice to hear but it doesn't necessarily mean that we should do anything differently and then also like just like the idea of just wanting your family back i'm hearing you want your family back but you don't necessarily want him back and i get it listen like i mean you know especially when you have kids together i you know trust me i know i can i can only, I certainly can imagine what you're feeling.
And that's what makes it the hardest is knowing that essentially, you know, he, even after knowing that I found out all this information is still pleading with a chance. Well, he's pleading because you, he knows that you've forgiven him in the past, you know, knows that you still you know you still want this right but like you have to i guess what i'm trying to say is you know listen you have your daughter right like and it's not the ideal situation you didn't expect that you and your daughter would be in this situation when you had your daughter with this man and obviously you wanted to have the family, but you're still a really young woman, you know, uh, and you do have your daughter, which is obviously a blessing.
And you did get yourself out of a bad situation and you need to be proud of yourself for that. And you're still have time to find your family, you know, uh, certainly it didn't, you know, it's not what you plan for yourself, but nothing goes as planned in life.
There's a different timeline or universe where you could be a single woman who's never been married or never had a child, never had a partner, and you could still be looking for your family. Maybe you would be a little nervous because you have your biological clock you haven't had children yet and you're in your dirt and yada yada but you could still be looking for your family.
You know, maybe you would be a little nervous because you have your biological clock and you haven't had children yet and you're in your dirt and yada, yada. But you could still be this kind of like optimistic person looking for their person and just know they want to have a family, you know, but it's like almost now that you've had a daughter, which again, I'm assuming is this beautiful blessing and you love, it's almost like you feel like it's all been ruined in a way, right? So you just have to stop, you have to change your perspective in that.
You know, it's just like, I have my daughter, period. Great.
Like, I love, I have my daughter, you know, to think anything else would, you know, to wish things would have played out differently would in some ways mean I don't have my daughter and I wouldn't want obviously to trade her for the world, right? So just I have my daughter and this kind of got to focus on that. Who you had your daughter with, yeah, didn't pan out, right? But you still, again, have your youth, right? And you got out of a bad situation and that relationship just did not make you happy.
You know, he was constantly not making a priority, taking you for granted, lying, doing whatever it is he was doing. And then you had to deal and clean it all up.
And now you don't have to do that anymore. And I get, you know, wanting to have that family back, but like, you gotta, you gotta let go of that mindset because you never really had the family you wanted.
You know, you kind of played house, so to speak. Right.
And then you, you had, you had the man and you had your daughter and you know, it's like, then you called it your family, but in terms of what that dynamic was and how healthy it was or wasn't like, you never really, you know what I'm saying? When you imagined your family, I don't, don't you know before you had your family i'm guessing you didn't imagine it would be the dynamic that it was right that's true i didn't even think about it in in this way um which is why i needed i haven't shared with anybody i've been sitting with it processing it and it's like you know what you want to do and you just need to hear it from somebody else too. Yeah.
So you just have to, you still have to be that person who's like, wants to, you have the right to want that family, that family that you say you wish you had back, you need to first accept that you never had it. So there's nothing to wish for back.
And if your ex were to actually do the work and like, you know, he got some, let's say this woman he got pregnant moves forward and has this child. Okay, whatever.
And then your daughter has a half sibling. Okay, great, great.
Good for your daughter. Your daughter has, you know, a lot of families have that.
Your husband, your ex could still do the work and like, I'm not expecting him to, and I don't want you to bank on this. But my point is, if he really did the work and he really changed as a human being and you somehow could have that proof, there's a world where you would take him back.
But that's based off of fantasy that it's probably not going to happen. And my point is when I say that this other child doesn't really matter, because if you, I'm guessing if like God came down and said, no, he's actually, you know, yeah, he did, you know, he did get this woman pregnant, like fast forward a year, like a year and a half goes by and God wakes you up and says, just so you know, he's going to be a great partner now.
I got your back. You know, God comes down and says, guardian angel, he's going to, you would, you know, you'd probably wouldn't even, you know what I'm saying? Like, right.
You probably wouldn't even worry about that kid. You would be like, all right, well, I guess my kid has a half sibling, but now he's, you know, so you, you don't want him.
You want, you want a man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and prioritize you the way you deserve to be prioritized. And you want a man who wants to have the same type of family dynamic that you crave.
And the only thing that's different is that you have your daughter, which is a blessing versus not having a daughter and had you not met this other guy. Does that make sense? It's true.
So you just have to accept who he is. This is a man who has proven time and time again that despite his pleads and his apologies and his promises that he never actually changes.
And so you just have to accept that and just give up on that idea because you have no reason to keep hoping. And the only reason he keeps trying is because you keep forgiving him.
And once you can just let that go and just be grateful that you do, despite all his flaws, he still gave you the best miracle you've ever had happen in your life. And just simply be grateful, not for him, but for your daughter.
And know that, yeah, being a single mom has its challenges. Certainly even in dating, it has its challenges, but there are a lot of single moms out there that do find love again and find great companionship.
But you have to get to a place where you treat yourself better and you have to expect more from yourself and have higher expectations and standards for yourself because that's the only way you're going to attract the type of man that you're looking for is to hold yourself to that standard, to stop accepting this type of behavior from these types of men. I needed to hear that because it's 12 years.
12 years of forgiving and always giving And it was time. Yeah.
And it's 12 years, you know, we 12 years of forgiving and always giving in. And it was time.
Yeah. And it's, it's time for me to officially close that chapter, that idea.
Yeah. So I would just, this is a, I think it's a real blessing that you found this out.
And I think you really need to say goodbye to him and accept this. He is who he is.
And I don't want that in my life. And my only focus with him right now is having a healthy co-parenting dynamic.
But I don't want this type of energy. And you need to look forward and you need to start, you know, my guess is probably you should probably be alone for a bit and start asking, you know, again, I don't know if you, are you in any type of therapy or anything like that? Yes.
Yes. I would, yeah.
Explore, you know, some of the choices you've made, you know, I would understand why you have a, you try to figure out why you have had a hard time letting go or, or just seeing him for who he is, but you do have a lot going for you. And I just want you to start focusing on what you, cause a lot of it is, it's like you've, you've been in this mindset of almost kind of, you know, you are a victim of a situation.
Don't get me wrong.

It's a city situation, but you kind of led with that. Right.
And so now it's like, I have this bit. And so once we see ourselves as a victim of a situation and like life didn't go the way we expected, we almost didn't accept less of ourselves.
It's like, oh, well, I mean, I'm in the, So I guess I can only deserve this. It's like, you know, like right now, you're probably thinking to yourself is like, I had the family and then I had this shitty guy and I am, you know, now I'm a single mom.
So the best I can do is hope he changes. It's true.
That's exactly it. All year, this entire year, that's what's happening..
You're a beautiful woman. You still have your youth.
The best you can hope for yourself is that you find a man who really loves you for who you are and loves your daughter and wants to grow a family with you. And if that means that you're 36 when you find him, then so be it.
Because in the meantime, you focus on being a mom and really working on yourself and focusing on surrounding yourself with other healthy people and people who do respect your boundaries. And you focus on working on setting healthy boundaries with people and focusing on forcing on those boundaries.
And the people who don't respect those boundaries, you work on making sure that you distance yourself from those people very quickly and very, you know, rather than like, you know, use it as opportunity for your ego to be triggered and to try to change them in a way that like they might not be willing to change. It's exactly what I needed to hear.
I know it. I know it.
It is so hard not to keep falling into that wishful track of, you know, being hopeful and wishful that maybe now, you know, things will change. And then constantly hearing, you know, that they're willing to make the change that they want to do things and then coming to terms with reality of what it's always been.
The priorities just weren't where they needed to be. And it happened and it is, the situation is what it is and I need to focus on me.
So yeah, it's hard, especially with a little, a little one definitely adds to the dynamic. Yeah.
But you have to change, you know, it's, it really is about changing your perspective. Just be grateful for your daughter and just be happy she's there.
It's not the situation you planned for yourself, but there's still a lot of beautiful things

about this.

And you still are very young and you still have a lot of life ahead of you.

So just make some healthy changes in your life and accept that this situation didn't

go as planned, but there's no point in, you know, it's like,

I don't know what the analogy is, but sometimes you just got to get rid of something. It's broken.

And now you're just sitting in this broken mess, hoping that it's not broken. Let it go,

move on, reinvent yourself, you know, take the good pieces from that broke, you know,

it's like, take the spare parts. And your daughter's on a spare part, but there's a lot, again, a lot of beautiful things from this.
You take that and throw the rest away. It's changing these narratives.
I want my family back. Again, you never had that.
Whatever that was, the narrative is, I still hope to find that family that I want in my life. Right now, I have my daughter and we have our nice little family, but it's just her and I.
And someday, I hope to grow that. And I'm going to grow that, but I need to be patient.
I need to make healthy choices. I need to treat myself with love and respect.
If I expect someone else to treat me with love and respect, and since I've had a hard time doing that in the past, that's going to be my primary concern for the foreseeable future. And the rest will work itself out because if you really focus on that, and then put yourself out there and stretch your comfort zones and things like that, that stuff will work itself out.
But right now, you need to focus on how you treat yourself because saying yes to him and saying yes to believing in him, it's also you not loving yourself, respecting yourself, not thinking that you deserve more. It's just, you know, it's being like, this is all I deserve.
So I guess this is what I'll take. You know, you have to change the narrative that I, you do, you can still, you can make your dreams come true.
You know, right now you had this mindset of my, you know, my dreams didn't happen. This is what I got.
This is what I'm dealing with. No, you got to dream big.
You still got a dream shoot for the stars. You still have to fantasize about having that fairy tale and you can still have it.
It's just not going to be the way you played out. You initially, it's slightly changed, but the outcome can ultimately be the same, which is a happy and healthy family and having a partner that you can be a teammate with and have a family together.
Thank you. I think you hit it on the nail.
My family truly wasn't what I call was my family. I never saw it that way.
And it's so true. Thank you.
I needed to hear that. All right.
I'm glad I could help. Well, please keep us posted.
I'd love an update. I'd love to see what progress you make going forward.
Hold yourself accountable. But listen, you just have to realize that you have a lot going for you.
And making the same mistakes over and over again is costing you, right? And that if you see the opportunity in front of you, you'll be less willing to waste it, right? And so you have to see it as an opportunity. You have to see all the possibilities that you could have in your life.
And you have to shoot for the stars rather than acting like your life's already over because, you know, the family that you thought you had is gone. And what's the point? And I guess i'm just a single mom now and fuck it you know like you got to stop perspective you have to stop acting like that i will i definitely will and i instead of being like i'm 33 yeah i mean i'm gonna live till i'm 90 so what am i gonna do for the next 57 years is that my math right i don't know um you know what i'm saying but like you know 57 you've you know someone said you got 57 years What Is that my math right? I don't know.

You know what I'm saying?

But like, you know,

someone said you got 57 years.

What are you going to do with it?

If you think like that,

I'm hoping that your decisions would be a lot different.

But right, you know,

a lot of times we're like,

well, I'm 33 and I haven't gotten

where I thought I would be

when I was 33.

So what's the fucking point?

You know, it's something.

Then you tend to settle.

And I think that's been it.

I feel like in my mind,

I'm like 12 years.

We've done so much.

Thank you. when I was 33.
So what's the fucking point? You know, it's something. Then you tend to settle.
And I think that's, that's been it. I feel like in my mind, I'm like 12 years, we've done so much, been through so much.
We have a five-year-old and I tend to focus on that. You have a five-year-old and that's all you need to focus.
I got a five-year-old from that mess and I got a beautiful five-year-old and I got a special five-year-old and I'm so glad I have that five-year-old. And honestly, I would do it over again a hundred times if it got me that five-year-old, but it's all I got from that.
And it's a pretty good one. And I'm going to say goodbye to it because like the other parts I wanted from it just aren't possible, but I'll take the five-year-old because it's awesome.
Thank you, Nick. I needed, this is why I wrote it.
I needed someone to give me the tough love and, and just be honest, um, having a different perspective based on what I'm sharing. So thank you.

All right. Well, I look forward to a positive update in the future.

Thank you. All right.
We'll take care.

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