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I'll see you in your dreams.

Hey, it's me, Steve Burns, and I'm so glad you're here because you and I go way back, right?

Yeah.

And look at us now.

Like, we're all grown up.

We've got this new podcast where we talk about all this grown-up stuff, and there's special guests like Jamie Lee Curtis and Bill Nye.

But for the most part, it's about you.

I mean, it's always been about you.

From Lemonada Media, a live with Steve Burns is coming September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts, or you can watch every episode on YouTube.

Freedom!

It's the last freedom of the season.

Last dance.

Last dance.

Oh my gosh.

You know what that always instantly reminds me of?

When Donna Summer played

last dance.

He played Urkel's aunt on Family What?

Aunt Myrtle or something.

Merkel?

No.

Oh, it had to.

They really fucked up.

It's not Merkle.

If it's not Merkel.

No, it's not Merkle.

What the fuck are we doing?

But she came, she's like a nerd, and then she gets on stage and she goes, Last dance.

And then she's like, did I do that?

Exactly.

And she sings the whole song and it's really fun.

Wow, that sounds so good.

Probably her crowning achievement.

I think it was.

You know, it's what I remember the most.

Hey, welcome to Threedom.

This is our final episode of the season.

Important little end of sentence there.

And perhaps any season.

Could be the season of this season of our lives.

Yeah, of course.

You know, to everything there is a season

from the Bible originally.

It's a time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together.

Of course.

Who are these guys with all these stones?

And why do they want to keep them?

You know, and why are they trying to cast them?

In what?

The casting couch for stones?

Come on, guys.

Can you imagine if to be a stone, you had to do an audition?

You had to self-tape.

Oh, boy.

Self-tapes.

The bane of my pandemic existence.

Scott, what's the last self-tape you did?

Never done one.

Never done one.

This is why I do not work.

Nice.

Because you're offering.

Are you still offer-only?

I'm still stir-style.

Ster-style.

You're still stirr style.

I'm a stir-on.

I'm a turn-style.

I'm a stir-style.

I'm a midnight talker.

I did a cartoon recently,

which was very fun to do.

And whoever it was, I just got offered it.

So I did it.

And I was waiting for it.

And they're probably listening right now, but I was waiting for why I got this part.

And at the very end, after I was done,

everyone was saying, oh my God, you did such a great job.

And the creator was like, I really love you talking YouTube to me.

And I was like, there it is.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Love the job.

Love it.

Thank you for the job.

Love it.

God bless you, podcast fans who come into positions of power on TV shows.

Love it.

Thank you.

Lots of animated shows.

Yes.

God bless you.

God bless you every single one.

God bless and keep you.

Yeah.

Really appreciate it.

Is it cool that I have my sunglasses on?

I think it's cool.

You know, so they're also prescription.

Yeah, they are.

You were talking about.

Just like Tom Cruise and Brisky Business, those are prescription.

That's why he wore them on the poster.

So he could see the people looking at the poster?

Yeah, so he could read the title below.

That's why he wore them on the poster.

You were talking about the map at the mall was hard to read with them on yes, and was these sunglasses too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You were talking about the map at the mall?

This was on the dolphboys.

The dock boys.

I was on doff boys.

And

he went to Hot Dog on a stick at the mall and he couldn't read the map because his glasses were tinted.

And of course, the map is a screen that is not friendly to that.

Yes, and so I couldn't find the lids.

You're trying to find lids.

I wanted to go to lids.

Why didn't you just ask every single person?

Did you get that hat?

Excuse me.

Where's the lid?

No, because I never found it.

I really really did look.

I walked all around.

I think I know where it is.

You could ask anyone who worked in the mall and they would tell you where it is.

I kept thinking I was going to find it.

But you didn't.

But that mall is huge.

No, I didn't.

And then I gave up.

That mall is like a maze.

That's your problem.

That mall is a maze.

Which mall?

Which mall?

Galleria.

It is like you turn a corner.

And it's crazy.

You know where you are.

Yeah.

And you keep thinking, okay, this is the end.

And then you walk a little further.

And then there's like a hallway where there's a bunch more stores.

I want to fight.

Scott, that song is not good

artistically.

Artistically and morally.

Do you know what song we're talking about?

No.

The doors?

The doors.

Based on the

doors, knowledge is limited.

The classic Oedipus Rex.

Uh-huh.

Father.

The whole song is based on that or just that part?

I don't know.

I just know that it was like shocking that he went, Father, I want to kill you.

Mother, I want to.

It is shocking.

It sounds disgusting.

It's gross.

Well, it depends on your mom.

I guess it proves he reads.

Your mom is hot.

That's nasty.

It proves he reads.

What if she just thought that?

That's nasty.

What if he didn't read it?

It was just his own new thoughts.

And that's what I did.

I was like, like Oedipus Rex.

He's like, what?

Oedipus who?

Oedipus?

That band was popular?

He's a model who read three books, right?

The Doors of Perception.

Yeah.

Oedipus Rex.

And do you think he read all of them?

Or do you think you read the back of the book?

Good question.

What was the third, though?

Because he has to have

a song based on his compilation.

Do you think if you never read like your brain starts to die in little parts?

I think we're our brains all start to die every day, right?

Oh, no, I don't think so.

You don't think so?

You got to stimulate.

I'm growing.

I'm reading this book and I was thinking of recommending it to you.

What is it?

It's this D-spot run.

Do you like it?

Oh, I think I know some of those words.

It's great because I learned a lot of words because of it.

Yeah, like dick, Jane, et cetera.

Yeah.

dick jane etc

all the words yeah um you could use those a lot but let me ask you because i don't know we probably have talked about this in the past but do you like fiction i love fiction andrew sean greer

i also like some non-fiction andrew sean greer is the name of the writer wait i know this yes is it less less which i which i love

but i i'm reading a book of his uh short stories called how it was for me oh i definitely want to read that yeah it's so good he's such a good writer i loved less and the sequel to less is coming out this month no it's coming Oh, my gosh.

Even Less.

Scott, you might like Less.

More than Less.

I don't know what you, but it's an easy thing.

What do you like to read?

You know why I would say this?

It's because

it just sucks you right in.

It's a pretty quick read.

It's a great read.

Sucks you right in.

Oh, good.

He's such a good writer.

Turns of phrase.

What do you like to read?

Bless you.

Bless you.

Bless you.

God bless you.

I don't know what I like to read.

What's a book that you like, honey?

Don't say comic.

The Bible.

Well, of course, that's a great book.

John 3:16?

It's a book of books, which is great.

I don't know.

I like, what's the last book I read?

I think I read like six when I was on vacation, but I didn't read Casey Wilson's in front of her, and she's mad that I still have never read it.

Oh, I read it.

She's like, you were reading books in front of me and not my book.

But that would be a lot to be reading her book in front of her.

She wanted it.

But she would want to know what you were thinking.

People who write a book about themselves, they want you to read it in front of them.

True, true, true.

Always nodding to her.

Oh, and this part's good.

This part's cool.

Yeah.

I do have to read that.

I don't know what I like to read.

Okay.

I have to have read something.

I have to have read something.

I classically buy books at the airport when I'm going on vacation, like, ooh, this is going to be a good one.

Ooh, like a Richard North Patterson?

Never read them.

No, no.

I mean, like.

Memoirs.

No.

I just got gifted a memoir.

Which one by who?

Santa Claus.

What's his name?

From Happy Days.

The unauthorized autobiography.

Happy Days.

Anson Williams?

Ron Howard's.

Oh.

What's it called?

Memoir.

Memoir.

And my mother-in-law gave it to me, and it sounded interesting.

I'm actually excited to read it.

Oh, I'm sure it's interesting.

I love celebrity memoirs.

From Opie to

be.

I'm actually thinking about listening to a podcast about such topics.

Have you heard about it?

I think it's Chelsea Devantez has a podcast about celebrity memoirs.

We're not talking about other podcasts because we're about to take a break on this one.

We don't want to have people listen to other ones.

Anyway,

I heard her on yet another podcast, Deep Dive, and I thought she was really funny.

And I was like, oh, this sounds like my kind of podcast because I love celebrity memoirs, but I don't have time to read all of them.

And some of them are fluffier than others.

And maybe you just want to hear some of the books.

What do they do?

They summarize then?

I don't know.

I haven't listened.

But they read and they talk about it.

Well, you are rude to books by completely ignoring them.

I remember hearing a conversation between two people that I knew

who

were both saying that they do not like to read fiction books because what's the point?

Because it's always a good thing.

That's why I like to watch movies or TV.

Exactly.

But that's why you think thoughts or have dreams.

That's how I felt after Precious because Precious is set up like

a little push by Sapphire?

But it feels like a true story where it's like, oh, this is based on someone's real life.

But why does that bother you?

But it's filmed like that.

And then all these terrible things happen, including AIDS.

And then at the end, it's like, you read it's just a fiction.

And it's like, well, yeah, I could write someone having a bunch of terrible things happening to them.

That movie, I might have said this before, but that was like one of the first times I hung out alone with my sister-in-law.

We went to see Precious, and we're both like,

I was like, this isn't really

like Super Mariah Carrie's mustache in it.

A mustache?

I don't remember.

Don't she have a mustache in it?

I don't know.

Are you thinking of Super Mario Brothers?

Oh, that's right.

Super Mariah Brothers.

Super Mariah Brothers.

Super Mariah Brothers.

So we got to make that meme.

Now it's a race to make this meme.

We got to make that meme.

We got to make that meme.

Did Johnny Legs have a mustache in that movie?

He should, but I don't believe he did.

He didn't, did he?

I'm kind of seeing the poster in my mind.

Can I say people, and I think they're all from New Jersey, when they say Mario,

I think that's simply not the name.

Like Mario Lopez.

What did I say just now?

No, you said Mario.

Okay.

But people say Mario, and I feel like it's only a couple of people I know from New Jersey.

Maybe other states say it.

But I'm like, that's not what the name is.

Why are you saying that?

You know what's weird?

Right?

Yeah.

So it's like saying if somebody's name is Stephen and and you call them Stefan.

Right.

Here's one I can't figure out.

My friend Corinne, everyone always, when they read her name, goes, Corine?

What?

Come on.

Insanity.

That is insanity.

But everyone does it.

Yeah.

Corrine.

Karine?

That's really weird.

Very strange.

Two ends.

Very clearly twins.

It's also not a name no one's ever heard in their life.

I know.

I don't remember.

It's more unusual, but I'm saying

you could kind of guess Karine probably isn't it.

Yeah, it's very, it's very odd.

I can't figure that one out, but everyone does does.

It's just Corrine first, or like something like that.

Or maybe it's Corinne.

No, it's never Corinne.

But it's either Corine or Corinne.

Parker Lewis Can't Lose.

Corrine or Corrine, but never Corinne.

Of course, you did.

I can see that.

Which joke did you like?

No, I liked Parker Lewis Can't Lose, the TV show.

Yeah, sure, you do.

Because Corinne made me think of Corinne Nimick.

I don't know what that is.

He played Parker Lewis in Parker Lewis.

I don't know what that is.

Where is he now?

Great question.

He's right behind you.

He may have passed on, I think.

I'm looking now, and it looks like he did not.

Oh, oh, thank God.

He's 50, and he's fabulous.

He's honestly really good looking.

And he,

yeah, he's dead.

And I would leave Mike for him.

I'm checking to see if he's available.

Parker Lewis can get it.

Yeah.

Nice.

Doing great.

Doing great.

Doing great.

He's alive.

He's 50.

He's alive.

He's great.

Well, somebody's dead, and I can't remember who it is.

Let's go through.

Let's go through everyone.

Adam, Eve.

My grandma.

They're dead.

Adam, Eve, Steve.

Cain, Abel.

Abel, Abel before Kane.

Abel can Abel.

Never forget I played Abel on Lucifer.

That's right.

Classic TV.

Never forget.

Did I watch it?

I don't remember.

Oh, you should watch it if you haven't.

I think I did.

You don't either.

I did.

You would remember if you watched it.

I think I did.

I don't know.

See, this is the thing.

I don't even remember if I watched you in Lucifer.

How am I supposed to remember a book?

You don't know what books you like.

It's true.

It's true.

Can I tell the listener that I ate 99% of that hamburger cake?

Yeah, which was a ton of frosting.

It was a ton of frosting.

And guess what?

I feel horrible.

And then you offered me a bite so kindly.

And I said, I can't eat that right now because I thought I'll have to shit frosting.

I wish we shit frosting.

Instead of pooping.

But then we would think it was disgusting.

No, but then we wouldn't put it in toilets.

We would like just eat it.

Oh, you wish it was literally frosting?

I wish it came out like a crazy thing.

And it was like colorful.

I wish it was like rainbow.

Yeah.

Okay, so it was sweet.

If we're made in God's image,

God shits?

Yeah.

He has to eat like God gets hungry, like, oh, I'm starving.

Yeah.

Come on.

Come on, God.

This is bullshit.

Yeah.

What if he loves it, though?

Because that is part.

It is fun to eat things.

Maybe he's like, hey, I want to know this.

But he has to shit?

No.

There's no way that he's going to be operates shit like the Harry Potter papers do.

Oh, God, I hope so.

But there's no way the supreme being has to

eat food and go to the bathroom.

Everyone says rain is when God pees.

Not everyone says that, dear.

I've actually never heard it.

I think I've heard it twice, and the second time was also from you.

What is God shitting, though?

Is it mudslides?

Yeah, that's right.

That's right.

That was him having really bad dye-dye.

Dye-dye.

My dog, Georgia, has had dye dye for now two weeks.

Oh, no.

Outside, inside.

What's going on?

No, outside.

Okay, well, that's good.

At least it's not uncontrollable.

Oh, yeah, no, it's controllable.

It's just like

soup.

Yeah.

From soup to nuts.

Sorry.

Sorry, Paul.

Give us your daddy.

I was already going to throw up for eating that cake.

When did we start, by the way?

Josh has never pressed record.

Because

we're supposed to, no, we've been bad little children, and we've been taking our breaks at the wrong time.

So, the past six episodes, we've been trying to take them at the same time.

What?

We need to take one right now?

All right.

Oh, wow.

Jesus.

Let's go to a break.

We'll be right back.

With more three to

three.

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Dude, dooda.

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Okay, well, their denim's durable and it fits right.

What about leather jackets?

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And we're back.

And we're back.

We're back.

We took a break too early.

Yeah, isn't that weird?

Did you feel it, listener?

Did you feel how soon the break was?

It was too soon.

Can I say seems really soon?

Too soon.

Didn't I say that we were doing the wrong thing?

And then we didn't anyway?

Didn't I?

I see the crying.

Letters to Cleo.

Oh, A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J.

Remember?

Oh, D, dab, bad, deep, baby, deep, but

I'm not sure.

Remember when

Gilbert Gottfried, rest in peace, got in trouble for doing tsunami jokes?

He He got fired from Aflag.

Oh, I thought he got fired from Aflag for doing 9-11 jokes, I think, on 9-13.

I think it was Tsunami jokes right after it.

Oh, wow.

That was a big one.

And I tweeted and I debated whether to tweet this or not because I was like, I don't know.

And I went ahead with it thinking,

more like Gilbert got fired.

I know, but I was like,

when it comes to these kind of jokes, two tsunami.

And I was like expecting a lot of backlash and then no one even responded to it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway.

well, that's that's Amori.

I'm going to look at that.

That happens to be Amori.

Did anyone else watch Out of Claim to Fame?

No, I only watched that first episode and then I've been too busy.

No, no, I liked it.

Oh, that's the celebrity relatives thing?

Yeah, it was, you know, perfect.

Perfect.

I just hope that show doesn't get too popular so my relatives don't go on it.

Yeah, that'd be really awkward.

I was, I really thought it was the.

Oh, now Lauren's yawning.

Finally, we knew we would get there.

We knew we would get there eventually.

I really didn't want it to be called out.

But yes, I did expel air.

Only air.

I was looking it up

to make sure.

We were fired at the same time.

And of course, you're correct.

But I really enjoy this little headline.

Well, the headline is Gilbert Godfrey fired as Affleck Duck after Japanese tsunami tweets.

Then there's like a subhead that goes, offensive Japanese tragedy jokes, get Affleck Duck voice fired.

What a roundabout way to say it.

When they already said it,

more clearly, we don't know who he is.

Now that he's gone, he

was worth it.

And then look at the picture they chose for him.

I mean, come on.

I mean, it's on purpose.

They choose an unflattering photo.

See, that's not right.

It was worth it, though.

Like, all things being equal, he should have made those jokes.

You know what he looks like in that picture?

He looks like the guy.

I never realized it kind of look like.

But maybe with that thing.

This Calvin Klein model.

I'm not worried about it.

I'm not going to say it.

I don't want to offend anyone.

Lauren, did you have posters on your walls?

No, I wasn't allowed to.

I've talked about this.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, what else have we talked about?

Just wallpaper?

I had like nicely framed art or something.

Art?

Like a kind of kind of artist?

Picasso.

I don't know.

I had some art.

And then I, on the back of my door, I would like put up some things.

But did you have posters?

I had posters for sure.

I don't remember.

I don't remember.

You had like

Pamela Anderson.

And those

nine-year-old girl.

I know.

You.

I had the two posters I remember

right off the bat.

I wish.

I had a poster of Fonzie.

Wow.

That's good.

And I had from Dynamite Magazine.

Yeah, I used to love Dynamite.

A 3D poster of a werewolf.

Oh.

And did you put on the glasses?

Of course I did.

Hell yeah.

Then I couldn't sleep.

But honestly, your room sounds like a TV set.

Like it's like, we'll hang up the Fonz and a werewolf.

It's all sort of like public domain.

Yeah.

What part was sticking out of the werewolf?

Like his claws were reaching out.

He was like leaping forward.

His tongue was not sticking out.

He was more about the fangs.

He wasn't like yum, yum, yum.

Do you feel like you thought about Fonzie every day, or do you feel like it sort of became like background noise?

I thought about Fonzie every day.

Every day.

Every day.

Every day I think about Fonzie.

And he would,

all day I dream about Fonzie.

It was hanging on the wall behind my bed.

Yeah.

So I would like wake up,

I would turn around, and I would salute Fonzie and begin my day.

And did he ever wink back or something?

Every time.

Wow.

Every time.

Did I have to go to therapy for a long time?

And

I would never change my story.

I said he winks at me every day.

Did anyone ever walk into your room and you were underneath Fonzie and they would talk to Fonzie and then go, oh, wait, I'm sorry.

No, Paul.

Every day.

Wow.

Every day.

Every day.

Every day.

Yeah.

Even Sundays?

The Lord's Day?

Twice Twice on Sundays.

What?

Shit.

Lauren, what are you thinking about?

You're lost in thought.

I must have had a starter.

I was thinking I should go back to therapy.

Me, I agree.

You're all same.

I don't know what crossed my mind, but something you said really shocked me.

He mentioned going to therapy and then you started talking about it.

Is that what you're saying?

Therapy.

Could there have been a connection?

Yes.

That's so weird.

I don't know what to say.

I had like a couple little thoughts and then went there.

And then I think I was hearing you, but not fully absorbing.

Somehow my background noise seeped into your subconscious.

We could do therapy for you.

What did you say about therapy?

He went that I went to therapy every day when I was a child.

That is, though, I did hear that.

You're insisting that Fonzie winked.

I did hear that.

We could do therapy for you if you want.

Yeah.

You should find out where my brain does things like that.

Just bring, tell us one of your problems right now.

No, no, no.

What if you went to therapy and you played this episode for the therapist?

Yeah, and how I see how I didn't hear, but I did, and I didn't know how I got there.

Am I a murderer?

But it was extremely clear.

My therapist had to stop, had to say, you have to stop asking me if you're a murderer.

Wow.

Because that was my number one question every time I went in.

Speaking of

great new show, I would just like tell her.

Am I a murderer?

I would tell her any of my problems, and then I'd go, Do you have to call the police for that?

And she'd go, No.

I would end every session by saying, You're not going to tell anybody, right?

Just

make sure.

Just make sure.

You're going to be cool about all this, right?

God, what if you actually did that to a therapist every single session?

how long would it take them to say fire you okay stop stop doing it yeah say i can't see you anymore yeah i think i just can't hear that joke are you caught up on the patient

yes with my crush donal galees yeah more like the impatient he's doing great i haven't i won't watch the first two but i loved it his accent's amazing his accent is so good which accent is he doing american yeah

nobody's good yeah yeah

i have been

i didn't recognize him with his look you know the look changes him so much.

It does, and sometimes I have to wearing floppy hair.

I'm disappointed when he's not.

Yeah, it is.

It's like floppy, dark hair.

Yeah.

Nice.

And it completely changes his appearance.

It does.

Yeah.

Because he's a red hair.

I love it.

But he's great.

He's doing it.

Do you like that,

what's that Netflix show where he Black Mirror?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

He was great on that.

Oh, that's the one with Haley Atwell.

Yeah.

Oh, Haley Atwell.

She was

Peggy Carter.

Agent Carter.

Peggy.

Carter.

Oh, well, then I do know.

But see, I watched that more recently.

Situation right now.

I didn't know that.

That's right.

She's a crush of of me.

I should re-watch some of that.

I could hear it in your tone.

Yeah, I know.

I thought I'd spell it out.

Did you see that movie, The Incredibles, with my crush?

Elastigirl.

Ew.

She can bend every which way.

Ew.

He said it.

No, you didn't.

This is going to be the last time we ever hang out with each other.

We're trying to have fun while it's going to be.

We're packing the fun because we're packing the fun.

We're probably going to get canceled.

If we do a new show, like if we do another season, should we like change it up or keep it just the same?

Let's

change it up.

I'm not here anymore.

It's just you guys?

There's like 10-minute episodes.

We'll do calls.

Okay, so if you want to hear it change, 10-minute, but it's every morning.

Calls right now.

And we record a season in two days.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Hello, Freedom.

You're on the air.

All right.

Hi, who's this?

What's that?

The Threadom?

Yeah, this is Threedom.

Who's this?

Thread him.

Threedom?

Who's this?

Threedom.

Yeah, this is Threedom.

Who's this?

No, Freedom.

Yeah, this is Freedom.

Who's this?

Freedom.

I can't hang up.

I don't know where the breed is.

Freedom.

Yeah, this is Freedom.

No, I don't know where the breakdown is.

Your Freedom, your name is Freedom.

Freedom.

No, this one's lit up.

And your name is Freedom.

Freedom.

Oh, wait, we're getting another call.

Sorry.

Hold on a second.

I do know how to hold it.

Don't fuck with me.

Yeah, Freedom, you're on?

Hi, I was just calling because I heard you guys were taking suggestions of what you would do next season.

Well, yeah, I guess we are.

Honey, are you on the phone with Freedom?

Wait, are you in the same house?

Oh, my God.

My grandma's calling you, too.

What the fuck is that?

Hello, dear.

She was already on the line, but

this is my witch next door.

Oh, dear.

Yes, hello, witch.

Any interesting spells?

No, you didn't touch my face.

Don't you want to be thinner?

I remain fat.

Don't worry about it.

Don't you want to be thinner?

Can I get some idea?

Hey, can I get some of that thinner?

Oh, if there was like another guy on the street, like, hey, I'll take some of that.

Hey, I'll take some of that thinner.

What kind of curse is that, Thinner?

My doctor told me to get cursed.

I would be curious to watch the trailer for that now and see how the season has to be.

Let's do it.

I don't want to watch it all again.

Let's do it.

Let's watch the trailer right now.

Yeah, okay.

All right, here we go.

Ready?

Hey, Josh, can you pull out the trailer for thinner?

In a world where everyone's fat.

I'm fat and I'm going to stay that way forever.

There's one witch.

Oh, no, you don't.

Who said that not everyone should be fat, but everyone minus one person?

Hey, what are you doing?

Finer.

The end.

This movie is

30 seconds long.

We ran out of money.

The Fablemans.

Yeah, the Fablemans.

What the fuck is the Fableman?

I meant to tell you guys, I'm one of the Fablemans.

Unfortunately,

no, let's watch the ads.

Let's watch this ad for this show that was canceled.

Has this already been?

oh my god?

Why is this so loud?

All right, spelling film.

Is this Aaron's spelling?

It kind of

okay, guys taking his food out.

He's a big fat, so he takes

it before he gets on the scale.

He's obviously wearing it.

I didn't know it was like comedic at all.

It's not.

This trailer feels like silly.

Oh, it's Joe Mantagnas in this.

Hey, you could taste to Chicago.

Wait, you ever

deep dish?

Criminal minds.

I love the idea that you know, fat people talk with food in their mouths all the time.

Food, this is horrible.

Yeah, it really is.

So now he.

Okay, so then he like

hits this old woman in the middle of the car, in the middle of the street.

I truly have a lot of people.

Wait, when I was little, this was like the scariest thing I ever saw.

Is this Archie Bunker?

It's not Archie Bunker, it's Michael Constantine.

He was on room Constantine's too.

Yeah.

Okay, he's.

I don't think he's like it, Henry.

So now he's getting thinner.

Wait, this is like goofy.

It is goofy.

It's goofy as hell.

I'm so thrown.

And this be interesting to answer.

There was a close-up of a little wrinkled voodoo doll.

This is getting out of hand.

I'm just the guy.

Oh, and then Joe Mantenia goes on a gun rampage.

This is incredible.

He goes on a gun rampage.

I can't watch this.

There's so much noise.

Turn it off.

God damn it.

Turn it off.

Turn it off.

Let's remake this movie.

It truly was

silly and rude.

Here's what we do.

Silly and rude.

They're using fat suits in this.

In our version, the three of us play the fat guy at the same time.

With just one head poking out?

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

With one of our heads poking out.

And then we take away a person for each time.

Do we each get equal screen time, though?

Yes, of course.

So the head's different.

Yes, every makeup.

Yes.

Yeah.

And then what we're just like hugging around each other's bodies.

Oh, that's good.

It's like we're in a horse case.

Don't you want to do this, Lauren?

Dance is really fun.

Finally.

Finally.

I curse you.

If you could be cursed, what curse would you want?

If you could be cursed, what curse would you want?

I don't think that's possible.

You have one in mind for yourself?

What if I could curse you and make you a horse?

I would not want that.

Okay.

Would you?

Well, wait, would I have the same brain?

I would have my own thoughts?

I think that's worse.

You'd have your own thoughts, but everything that related to people in your human brain related to horses now.

So you would remember things as if they were horse.

I would remember things as if they were horses.

Yeah, so you'd remember everything in your life.

So, like, when I think I went to school, I would think, I went to a horse.

No, if it were a horse, you'd picture the time where you learned how to talent on your horse.

Horse, horse, horse, horse, horse.

Okay.

Okay, Lauren's out on that mentally.

You guys are interesting.

It's getting a little weird in here.

It's getting a little weird.

Well, what curse would you want?

I don't know.

Give me one.

Would you want to be like, every time you open your eyes, they bleed?

Yeah.

I want it.

I want that one.

Gimme.

Give me that.

Or do you want it to be like a curse like...

Whenever you think a sinful thought, everyone hears it.

Oh,

yeah, I want want it.

A sinful thought.

What's the sinful thought?

Like eating for dessert?

Yeah, yeah, and you're like, I gotta have that cake.

My neighbor's wife.

I covered her.

Can we just say, if you're a server out there in a restaurant and you bring the dessert cart around or the menus or whatever, stop saying that things are sinful.

We don't want to hear it.

I want to hear it.

Wow.

I want to feel like I'm defying God.

Often to someone pushing a dessert cart up to you saying it's sinful.

How's this chocolate cake?

Oh, it's delicious.

It's sinful.

I like when they say it's decadent.

It's like the fall of Rome.

You would just say this.

It's good.

It's chocolate.

Everyone loves chocolate.

But it's not always good.

No, no, no.

Chocolate is chocolate.

Good note, Jonathan Gold.

When chocolate is bad, it's not good.

When is chocolate bad?

When it's, if a cake is

dry.

If the chocolate is

old or old.

Baker's chocolate.

I actually had a, I bit into a chocolate bar that was gifted to me yesterday, and it was almost like baker's chocolate.

It was, it wasn't like 99% cacao.

It was like 85%.

It was just too dark.

It's just too much cacao.

I could sometimes do it, but it's very thick, too.

So it was really like eating a baker's chocolate bar.

How thick should a candy bar be?

Thin.

It should, in my opinion, should be about like this thick.

I think rule of thumb.

Wow.

Like the Bible.

Really?

So no thicker than a thumb, a candy bar?

That's right.

What about Rolos?

Are Rolos thicker than your thumb?

Rashle?

Rolos?

That's my dad's favorite?

Rolos are the fingertips.

Rolos are the fingertips of the candy world.

Rolos is like a knuckle.

Rolos are the E.T.'s finger of the candy world.

Can we agree on this?

At least.

E.T.'s finger.

He loves his pieces.

Your dad eats Rolos.

It's so ironic.

Or only on special occasions.

Or did you kind of always have some around the house?

I don't think we did not always have to go.

We always trim him over Rolos.

But at like holiday times, like Christmas when there was chocolate in the house, he would eat all the Rolos.

My sister, by the way, makes these great peanut butter candies that are in the shape of peanuts.

And they're so delicious.

What?

It's a candy.

They're looking at it.

But they're like peanuts.

They're like creamy, like it's like chocolates almost, but they're peanut flavored.

But peanut?

And

they're in a mold of a peanut.

Peanut mold.

It sounds good.

It sounds good.

You're saying that has mold on it?

So that's what I heard.

You'll give us some.

I hope

But it got, they're so delicious that it's just, it's bad.

You can't have too many of them in it.

Is it sinful?

No, it's like peanut.

It's good.

Is it, is it

kind of the thing that kind of gets you sent to hell?

Do you think the devil would imagine you eating them and go, hee, hee hee, hee?

I mean, my plans.

One of the commandments is about eating them.

One of the ten.

Number nine is like those peanut things your sister makes.

Stay away.

Don't do like avoid it a little bit.

Hey,

don't do.

Don't do that.

Your own accent coming out.

Yeah.

Did you start talking like a Chicago person when you were just here?

Actually, I did find my accent coming through.

Yeah, because also everyone was from Chicago.

So it was just like your jacket.

Definitely said stuff like that for sure.

Did you say it on film and people were like, I know we're filming this in your own tone, but like tone it down a little bit.

I'm feeling kind of depressed.

I need a hoagie.

Did you grow up with hoagie?

I actually

didn't have.

You know what?

Well, like the bears sketch on us, and now they say hoagies,

the bears.

Grinders.

The bears sketch.

They say grinders.

Hoagies and grinders.

I thought hoagie was just where I grew up.

I never ate that, so I don't know.

I just meant the word deer.

No, I know, but I'm saying I actually don't really know.

It was never

ate.

But it was in the Chicago sketch.

I can't think of words that I don't eat.

Yeah.

I ate so much fucking pizza when I was home, though.

I was kind of getting out of control.

Pizza for lunch.

Lumal nadis.

Pizza for lunch.

Pizza for dinner.

If you have pizza on a bagel, you can have pizza anytime.

I have heard that.

I didn't have any bagels.

I think it's an old wivesdale myth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's not true.

It's a great song.

You can't have it when you're asleep.

You want to sing it?

Can you eat when you asleep?

Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time.

Okay, wait a minute.

When pizza is in the middle of the time, pizza is on a bagel.

goal.

You can eat pizza anytime.

Pizza in the morning.

Sure, I get it.

Pizza in the evening, yeah.

But then what's the difference between evening and supper time?

Let's talk about lunch.

It's regional differences.

Okay.

Some people's supper is lunch.

Some people's supper is dinner.

Whether the weather be hot.

Whether the weather hot.

Wait, some people say supper is lunch?

No.

Yeah, I don't lie.

You're a liar, baby.

I went to a restaurant last night and the menu said supper.

We said no lying on this show.

When did we say that?

Remember our first episode?

We were like, everything we say is going to be true.

All right, first episode of Freedom.

Well, what are you going to do?

Well, we're definitely not going to lie.

Everything you say should be true.

Agreed.

Fuck.

Dude, Josh pulled that clip up so fast.

Fiener.

Fiener.

That movie sucks.

Also, you know what?

You suck.

Stephen King actually kind of sucks.

Hey,

he's good.

I don't think he's that good.

He was good for like a good 10 years.

But even the stuff that's supposed to be so good, I don't think it's that good.

I know, but it, but it's good.

Every ending is terrible.

I know, but it's hard to end things.

Like, look at this episode.

But it's hard to end things.

It's hard to end things, but like, I think if you're amazing

like that, you should find an ending.

The ending of it is so bad.

What is it?

He shriveled up into oil or something.

I can't remember.

What?

He driveled up into oil?

Shriveled up.

Oh.

It turns out he's a big alien.

He's an intergalactic spider or something.

He blew up into all those bugs.

Something like that.

Yeah.

His head got really big.

He should just swap endings with his other books.

So it's like, okay, Christine?

Yeah, he dribbles up into oil.

He dribbles up into oil.

Motor oil.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah, Christine?

Yes.

He dribbles up into oil.

Yeah.

Cujo happens to be a big alien.

Cujo?

He dribbles up into oil.

He dribbles up into oil.

Firestarter?

Yeah, she goes to prom and blood gets spilled on her.

To put out the fire.

Faiest, that's it.

This all makes sense, Steven.

The trailer for Carrie, by the way, gives away the entire movie.

Yeah.

Some of the things that we're doing.

Like in an age where I didn't think they did that.

No, if it's

old ones, some things are more.

And he escapes from jail with his best friend.

I sort of

got through trailers for that reason.

Oh, I thought he would just go through the bars because he got so skinny.

Yeah, that's true.

He doesn't need the poster.

See, this makes more sense, Stephen.

Oh, my God.

You know, do you like to watch the trailer for something, or do you rather

have no idea?

Well, I did watch the Secret Invasion trailer the other day, but I stayed away from Mandalorian.

Yeah, if it's something I'm kind of excited to see or if I've heard it's really good, I really don't want to see anything.

If it's somebody like whose work that I always enjoy,

I will not try to stay away from everything.

It's fun to watch trailers.

Oh, I watched a great movie.

What?

The Worst Person in the World.

Have you seen it?

No, I still haven't seen it.

I still want to see it.

I loved that.

I've heard it's really good.

It was honestly, it reminded me.

of when I was in college and I would go to the art house movie theater and I'd be like, I just saw a movie called Once and it's going to blow your mind, you know?

Once?

But it was like that.

It gave me that feeling again, which I haven't had since I was much younger when I was more impressionable.

And this was just like, it was just great.

I just loved it.

It's wonderful.

And it's Norwegian.

And what I loved about that was that

the language was very unfamiliar to me.

So I was very swept away.

It felt very real because I wasn't playing anything else.

And you watched it with no subtitles.

Yeah, and I was just going, this seems real.

I like doing that because you could just put your own plot on it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You could just try everything on mute and just do whatever I want.

Hey, what's going on over here?

Oh, this is crazy.

I'm mad at you.

You're the worst person.

I bet there's somebody out there who just has the TV on mute and does that all the time.

Someone, I bet, puts the TV on mute and does this podcast over it.

It's not me.

That seems good.

That would be good, right?

Let's, in case that's happening, let's do some movies right now.

Let's do some movies.

So put on ET right now.

Hi.

Hey, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

My parents are divorced.

Oh, yeah.

An alien should visit you.

Oh, are you?

Did you you curse me?

Alien.

An alien.

Alien.

What a curse.

An alien will visit you.

Once.

Once.

He never came back.

Once.

Twice.

Not twice.

Never twice.

But he never eats.

He never fucking came back.

We don't know that.

He freaking was back with his mommy.

He was he had such a bad time on earth.

He never came back.

I thought he was his best friend, Elliot.

He's back with his mommy?

I thought he was an adult.

I thought thought he was an adult, too.

Was he not?

The novel.

His mom looking for him.

The novel goes into it.

Isn't there an alien mom on the board on the surfboard aboard the ship

who's like, come back,

the alien goes into his mouth?

I really thought it was

the alien.

No, the book goes into his.

Let me see.

Does the book own its own play?

Yeah, what's their chief export?

Wheat.

Hey, it's that person I was talking about.

Is E.T.'s mom on the spaceship?

A special visitor.

A special visitor.

Is E.T.'s mom on the spaceship?

Is E.T.'s mom on this spaceship?

Everyone, calm down.

I'm looking for E.T.'s mom.

Is she on this ship?

She looks like E.T., but with boobs.

Remember when E.T.

dressed up like a lady?

It doesn't look like that.

I'm not getting a lot of money.

E.T.'s mom's nipples light up like the finger.

I'm not getting a lot of info.

You're kidding me.

What is the top hit for?

It's D.T.'s mom on the space.

It's all about the mom from E.T.

Oh, D.

Wallace Stone.

Oh, D.

Wallace.

Yeah, D.

Wallace Stone.

Gray Flintstone's name.

You got to admit.

Where's the stone?

I've only seen D.

Wallace.

Well,

she fucking got married and she became D.

Wallace Stone.

To who?

To Sharon Stone.

Roger Stone.

You don't remember this?

Sharon Stone and Roger Stone married her.

I don't remember.

Thrupples.

It was the first legal thrupple.

It was the only legal thrupple.

Oh, Scott, you're so naive.

Thrupples aren't legal.

Oh, sometimes.

If you know the right people, they are.

I don't think so.

Well, she's married a third time to

Skip

Billia.

Skip layup?

Skip to Malupa.

Skip Palubai.

That's a fake

name by someone writing about

this movie.

Skip Bale Da.

Bye like that.

Okay, look, we have to take a break.

Bye.

I'm Hussa Minhaj, and I have been lying to you.

I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast, Hussin Minhaj Doesn't Know, to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask.

People like Senator Elizabeth Warren.

Is America too dumb for democracy?

Outrageously.

Parenting expert Dr.

Becky.

How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath?

It's a good question.

Listen to Hussa Minhaj Doesn't Know from Lemonada Media, wherever you get your podcasts.

And we're back.

And we're all back.

I wanted to say we're back.

And you did.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I heard you say that.

Just now?

No, I thought it was before.

It's weird because I don't know what you guys were talking about, but then I had this thought that I wanted to say we're back.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And what's funny is that when you say, I wanted to say we're back, it's that you're saying it in the desire.

I said it like because I wanted to say it, whereas I'm not sure why it might have come out of your mouths.

Maybe it was some sort of.

Do you understand the words coming out of our mouths?

I do.

Well, I heard we have a voicemail.

I heard that too.

Can we listen?

I didn't hear that.

I heard a rumor that we have a voicemail.

I don't know what it says.

I heard a rumor.

The umbrella came

out.

Yeah,

we get voicemails at our

number haha la in poo.

Ha ha la in poo.

Ha ha la in poo.

Reach out and touch me.

We also learned that ha ha la in poo is also wrong, right?

Yep.

Oh, cool.

All right, let's listen to this

voicemail.

Let's all look at it.

Here we go.

Okay, if you could have one skill

like in the matrix, what would it be?

What?

If you could have one skill, just edited down.

Okay, let's listen to it again.

Let's talk over it less, but still talk over it.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, if you could have one song, what are you doing?

Why start it with just okay

talking about it?

Okay, let's hear it one more time.

Let's hear it.

Let's hear it again because we were talking over part of that.

Okay, so why are you talking?

Scale, la la la la la la.

Skill, scale, skill, scale.

Matrix is my dooda bones, all the doodad.

What does he mean by that song?

Matrix is my dooda bones.

All right, but for the first time.

Should that be the title?

Josh, cut our mics.

Cut our mics.

I will listen to this voice.

Okay.

Okay.

La, blah, blah, blah, duta.

Inject it in your head like in the matrix.

Oh, inject it in your head.

Okay, I got it.

I got it.

I would have it be the skill of how to inject people with skills in their heads.

Because then you'd always be hired.

You'd always be part of the economy.

Wow.

What?

You're obsessed with the economy.

You wouldn't do it to people for free?

I mean, for starving children, yes.

Okay.

How to catch fish.

What is it, though?

Because I've never seen The Matrix.

So

in The Matrix, which is.

Did you do Scott hasn't seen but about you?

You've seen The Matrix?

Yes.

Yes.

And went to

the bottom.

Loosely.

Don't give it away.

It's computer land.

You know that cutout in the corner of me with my, but there's a hole where my mouth is.

Yeah.

This is like that, but in the back of the head.

So they put in whatever they want.

Yeah.

They just just stick in a thing.

Just an idea, a skill?

Yeah.

He learned to

download something.

All of a sudden, he knows how to do kung fu.

Great.

Okay.

Mine would be

that I would.

Yeah, I would.

Oh, that's cool.

I would like to

know what is in every book that I touch and like know the knowledge.

Well, it's not, they're not downloading

magic into your head.

Oh, what?

They're downloading like things that anyone.

That's not a skill.

Oh, okay.

Then I guess.

People have never seen it, you fucking moron.

You know what the word skill means, though, right?

Stupid.

My skill would be that I could fucking cook, you know.

I guess my other idea sucked.

Have you been cooking at all?

Well, I did fall off when I was in Chicago because I wasn't able to cook, but I was getting.

And your mom was there.

Well, and we were just ordering food all the time because I was working this.

But I'm

going to be back.

I was into it before.

I'm getting back now.

I'm getting back.

Should we cook for each other and just swap meals?

No.

Okay.

That's not a good idea.

I'm not confident enough about what you're doing.

It would save time, wouldn't it?

No.

What?

I guess the driving back part of it.

Yeah, and also you're cooking.

Yeah, no.

It's way too much.

For me, it would absolutely be piano.

I wish I could just play the piano.

I feel like we talk about this all the time.

We do, and I never do anything about it.

I know.

Oh, I don't either.

No, I wish I could play an instrument.

By the way, my

friend of mine, I was talking about the piano, and she, the day after I had this conversation with her, she like came to me with a plan and an email about like, okay, I've looked up this teacher, this teacher, never wrote her back.

Is it the same one that was going to teach us?

That's this one keeps all try to really help you.

It shows you how much you don't care.

Yeah, and it shows them that too.

You're like, well, noted, never again.

I'm going to dinner with her very soon, and I'm going to

a lot of answers that I have to give her.

Okay, here's how I'm going to handle it, by the way.

Ignore it.

I'm never going to do that.

Yeah.

How's that sound?

Is that rude to her?

Let's hear another voice.

I had somebody reach out to

you.

What Scott's skill was?

And touch faith?

Do you have a real one or no?

It was probably piano.

I've said it on a million of these episodes.

Or maybe lead guitar.

Lead guitar.

Lead guitar.

I want to play the band.

Brett promised to help me set up an electric guitar rig.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

I'm a witness.

I'm a witness to that.

I was hoping he was going to promise to buy it for me, but instead he just said, I'll set it up if you buy it.

Kevin T.

Porter of

Good Christian Fun asked me, he texted me.

I have not responded to him yet, but he asked me.

Oh, good.

I bet that made him feel good.

He asked me if I ever ever thought about taking piano lessons, and I wonder if that means he would, he's volunteering.

Does he play piano?

He does play piano.

Does he mime along with it when he watches Bruce Springsteen concerts?

Yeah.

I bet.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And Nils Lofgren gets so mad.

He's like, that's my job.

He's like, are you making fun of me?

Because he makes a dumb face, dude.

He's like,

but he's really doing the fingering.

If you know what I mean.

I didn't get back to Kevin about a Bruce Springsteen email that he sent me for probably a week, and I felt really bad about it.

This one's going on three weeks, probably from oh.

It was during the tour, though.

Do you want to take some time and write him back right now?

Yeah.

Okay.

Richard.

That's a birthday text rolling through over there for Paul.

We see his phone lighting up with the green.

It is fun.

And I respond to them at the end of the day.

Aw, that's nice.

Like it's over, asshole.

You're a little late.

I didn't see that until the end.

12:01 on September 13th.

I'm like, what is this?

You missed my birthday.

Reach out and talk.

Okay, should we hear while you're doing that?

Should we hear the next voicemail?

I'm asking.

Should we?

Absolutely.

Yeah, we should.

Oh, hey.

So, I got a question for you.

Let's say that after you die, you get to live out one day as any person,

any time that you'd like.

That's my answer.

Louis.

King John Malkovich rules apply.

And if you wake up once, someone speaks another language, you automatically know and understand that language.

Doctor Who's rules, yes.

This day is done.

You get eternal nothingness.

Who do you pick?

And when do you pick?

Madeline, by the way.

Thanks, Madeline.

So you want the eternal nothingness?

So I was saying being John Malkovich rules.

I recently watched that movie for the first time all the way through, and I really loved it.

So you had seen parts of it before then.

I had just seen, yeah, little parts of it.

But

don't they like when they

responded with one one word, they come out of the chute that was June 30th, that text.

Oh, my Lord, and you're just saying one word

and not even apologizing for how long it took.

No, no, did he send you another text, but since then, or no?

Many,

yes, and you responded to those, yeah.

Oh, well, that's not as weird, it's not as weird, you're just ignoring it.

He wrote back to me immediately when he wrote back already, yes.

Glad we finally circled back to the important things,

But in being John Malkovich, when you're like portaled out of him.

This isn't a movie podcast.

You're all wet.

Jesus.

What are you saying?

Really?

Oh, I don't remember.

I think you end up on the highway and you're like,

oh, I thought it pretended ludicrous.

No, ludicrous.

I don't know if you end up all wet with you.

Has he ever been wet, do you think?

Ludicrous?

I would assume he's taking a bath or two.

It's weird.

The idea to live out

a day as someone else.

Yeah, it's like if I died, I would do that.

It's like, if I died, I think I'd want to probably be me again and see some of the people I love.

But I guess if I had to be somebody else.

What if you could be one of the people you loved?

That's weird.

I think I would choose,

it has to be someone you're not related to, and it has to be something you don't know.

I think it has to be a celebrity.

But wait, so in being John Malkovich, are you not controlling John Malkovich?

You are in.

You are as much as you can.

As much as you can.

But you're kind of like in the back seat, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I guess I would pick, if that's the idea, I guess I would be Peter O'Toole and like a time when he was on stage.

Ooh, cool.

That's an interesting answer.

Like doing

like a fantastic play somewhere.

I would be the person opposite Peter O'Toole on the stage.

Fun.

Yeah.

Same time, though?

Exact same time.

Okay.

I think that's fun.

And I would try to upstage you.

I would be Madonna on the Like a Virgin tour.

Oh, that would be so fun.

Crowd going wild for me, Madonna.

But to be like one of the Beatles or something.

Oh, yeah.

When they're going fucking creams or something, or are they just annoyed all day?

Imagine being in the show.

Yeah, true.

But it seemed like

they quit touring because they didn't like it, so that would be bad to do it.

But not probably at the beginning, I thought it was pretty cool.

They liked it for a long time.

They were like, this is fucking great.

Okay, what era of the Beatles would you then would it would it be like Shea Stadium or would it be in the Cavern Club?

I don't know what that means.

God, well, the Cavern Club was when they just started out.

They would go to Germany.

And they would play like five-hour sets in a basement.

And they were like, I don't think I would choose that.

Fucking teenagers just having the time of their fucking life.

I think I would choose that.

But then what about a person from his family?

They all had a cough, though.

Why would they do it?

I wouldn't choose that.

I'd be Jimmy Carter.

The PENA president is.

Running for re-election.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

I'd be George Herbert Walker Bush throwing up on the Prime Minister of Japan.

Can you pick a day, though?

Like a specific day, or is this like something sounded like?

to come?

Like someone who is alive days.

Or Scrooge?

Is this what will be or what may be?

Here's what I think.

What we chose is what the rules are.

Okay.

I like it.

I'd be Jesus Christ.

Oh, okay.

So which day are you picking?

Jesus crucified.

It got to be loaves and fishes day.

Gotta be.

Oh, man.

I'm so hungry.

It would be.

I'd be like water into wine every single day.

I'm so hungry right now.

I guess I'd be someone eating their best dinner they ever had.

Wait, were the loaves and fishes and the water and the wine the same wedding, or was that two different?

It seems like it was two different days, like he's showing off almost.

Like, do you think that the people at the wedding, when they got the loaves and fishes, like, hey, what about the wine?

Why do I need to do that?

Do you think the Bible's all one day?

The Bible takes place over 24 hours.

It sounds like a before some days.

Adam is created.

Yeah.

And then

John sees all those crazy 6 p.m.

Jesus is on the scene.

The following takes place

on the scene.

Jesus on the scene.

Jesus on the scene.

Would anyone be us?

Did I get that right?

Yeah.

You.

No, don't be me.

Don't be me.

No, don't do that.

Stay out of my head.

Don't do that.

Get out of my head.

Me, don't.

What are you guys going to miss the most about not doing this show?

Or about doing the show?

What?

What are you going to miss the most about doing?

Doing the show.

We're going to miss the not being able to do the show.

I guess.

I'll miss our fun silliness together for sure yeah yeah probably too

probably me

are you gonna miss all the references that we make being old men that you don't get yeah i i'll have to like turn on the news or something and i'm gonna have to turn on abc family yeah news to watch all the 90s sitcoms yeah

do you remember how much you hated the news when you oh my good god well actually you know i'm still not a huge fan listening to like the news was on a lot when I was home, and like, the

one local news, one story after the next of just released.

A murderer was murdered.

A murder, a carjack, this person died.

This was sad.

And on this side of town, another bad thing happened.

It was like, you know, if you watch this all the time, you might think.

And if you work for the local news, you are worse than Garbage.

I believe it was Frasier Crane who said, if it bleeds, it leads.

I believe all of those stories do lead in Chicago.

Well, it's a depraved town.

Yeah.

And you'll notice they have the strictest gun laws, and yet they have all the gun crime.

I've made a point.

Yeah, but the news is like...

I do, I kind of like what we watch local news sometimes.

Wouldn't it be interesting if there was literally an unbiased news network?

Don't they talk about how

they originally the news was supposed to not sell advertising, and it would have been so much better for the company, for the country.

Yeah.

The company, I call it.

The company we live in?

The The company of the United States of America.

But because then they allowed everyone to sell advertising on it, then they compete for ratings.

And they're enslaved by corporate

masters.

Yes.

But imagine a world where the news had no advertisements and then they were beholden to no one.

Like the newsroom?

Yes.

Will McAvoy making a speech.

Imagine if you were flying a plane on 9-11.

And then.

Is this how you want to end the show?

This is a newsroom reference.

No, not on 9-11.

When was it?

It was when Osama bin Laden.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And they're trying to get you to land the plane.

They're trying to get you to land the plane.

Then someone finally just knocks on the cabin door.

They're trying to get you to land the plane.

We're stuck on the tarmac.

Oh, yeah.

He's like, dude.

Start over.

I would be that guy.

I auditioned for that scene.

Doing what?

I was supposed to be one of the passengers on the plane.

Going like, hey, shut up, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, dude.

Not going out loud.

Hey, dude.

This was your

baby go.

It's like, would you please read the words that are on the script?

Hey, dude.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Let me try again.

Hey, dude.

You better not.

What if you went into an audition and just did that?

Would you ever get another one time?

It has to work.

Yes.

And they go like, this is crazy, but I love it.

Hey, dude.

Hey, dude, dude.

Don't do that now.

We cannot afford this Beatles song.

Parody,

you have to hit it on if it's less than that.

How does it pay?

Yes, he does.

Hey, dude.

Oh, no.

This is my ranch.

Oh, what?

Why are you talking about a ranch?

Dude's ranch.

Oh, okay.

Okay, it's making more sense, but still, this is not part of the script.

Hey, dude.

I guess I'm going to miss this.

Should we play one last three chair?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

For old time's sake.

This is Count Your Words.

Submitted by nobody, apparently.

We do a scene and we're.

First of all, pick a number between one and 10 for Paul.

Okay.

Out loud?

Yeah.

30.

30?

3.

Okay, 30.

I heard 30 as well.

Okay, pick a number between 1 and 10 for me.

Seven.

Okay, I'll pick a number between 1 and 10 for Lauren.

9.

Oh, okay.

Really high number choice.

Not the highest.

No, no, nine.

Nine, nine sounds good.

What's happening?

So we're going to do a scene.

999.

Dial 999.

999 if you're in London English.

Yes.

One degree in here.

I suppose that.

Could be zero.

Of Kevin Bacon?

Is he walking through the door?

Kevin Bacon's right outside the door.

His Instagram is fun.

His Instagram is fun.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Don't follow it.

Okay, we're going to do a scene.

Don't follow it?

I don't follow it.

It sounded like a command.

Don't follow.

Don't follow this.

Please, please don't follow him.

We're gonna do a scene, and we can only say the amount of words.

Every single time we have a line, we can only say the amount of words that

they said.

Wait, which one did I have?

I had seven, you have nine, you have three.

Yeah,

okay.

Hello, my good friends.

It's

so hot.

I can't believe how hot it is.

I'm dying.

Yeah, for sure.

Are you wearing a sweater, Paul F.

I'll answer for him.

He is wearing a sweater.

Yes, I am.

Take it off then, because it's hot.

It's hot, sure, but he can wear whatever chooses.

Whatever chooses.

That doesn't make sense either.

Well,

let him speak.

He hasn't had a chance yet.

He just spoke.

Are you not listening?

I am listening.

Look, I have something I want to...

Hey, shut up.

Say,

the way the world is working is bad.

Things are bad in the world.

Yes, they sure are.

I want to make a change.

I want peace.

Okay, kill yourself then.

It'll take

care.

Hey, that's rude.

No, he's right.

I'll do that.

I think that's

what I was talking about.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, Lauren.

Goodbye, sweet princess.

It's been so nice.

One last thing I want to say is.

Go on, speak.

Never continue three

without me.

It won't be the same.

We promise

to only do episodes with two.

Well, I don't.

She's dead, Scott.

So we should still do the show.

Yes, of course.

Okay, bye.

I'm going to bed now.

Bye-bye, you.

Eternal bed.

Eternal bed.

I'm joining Lauren as well.

No, you too?

Me too.

Goodbye forever.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

Hashtag me too.

Hashtag me too.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

Wow.

Just me.

The end.

Wow.

Poignant.

Poignant.

Points.

Thank you, nobody, for that great.

Well, everyone, thank you so much for all the fun we've had this season.

Yes, we love you.

Thank you for listening and giving us a chance.

And by the way,

to get it all together.

To get all together.

When the new season comes, if and when, I think I'm going to have

an exciting topic to talk about on Lawrence Topics.

Wow.

I'm going to use the Lawrence Topics feature, if that's okay.

I might let you.

It depends.

We'll see.

But I'm

next season is gonna be our biggest one.

Our biggest one yet, if we do one.

If we do one, it'll be the best it's ever been.

If we don't, it'll be horrible.

So

I got something I really want to get off my chest.

Okay.

Well,

I don't have to wait months.

People are going to, who knows how long it's going to be, but

I will debut talking about it on this show.

And if we don't, so you're not going to talk about it off mic.

No.

And whenever we're back is when I'm.

I'm just going to grunt at people.

And if we don't i mean never like not talk at all if we don't get another season will you ever i will never bring it up never bring it up the only way to hear this is if we get another season yeah i hope we do i've been keeping something in reserve for this show and is it about lauren or it's just you're going to use lauren's topics

because lauren's topics

it was so popular that i want to see it's a big segment but it's kind of mine like i'm look i might share it i'm just saying like it is my segment I can't.

You have Scott's minute.

You had Scott's

Scott's minute.

So wait, if

Scott's minute.

If Scott guest hosts Lauren's topics, are you going to hold a grudge against him like Johnny Carson did against Jerry?

No, I won't.

No, I won't.

It's okay to have a man do my topics.

It's not going to make me feel like.

Can I mansplain whatever I'm talking about in your topics?

Yeah,

people will be aware that I had nothing to do with it.

Okay.

Yeah.

What do you think is going to happen next season?

Firm, like, anything I'm going to announce or want to talk about.

Yeah, what do you think we're going to talk about?

Do you think we'll tell, what stories do you think we'll retell?

These are good predictions.

I think I'll probably tell stories that I've told before.

I think that might happen.

And I'll probably talk a lot about, you know, just my life and stuff.

Great, Paul.

What do you think is going to happen?

Well, my goal is to repeat zero stories in the next whoa.

I mean, that's a big challenge.

I really do want to encourage the listeners out there to create a 3DOM wiki where if we start telling a story, it lists every story we've ever told.

Yes.

And if we start telling a story going, did I ever say this?

We can look it up on the wiki immediately and go, oh, I did.

I think we've got to do it.

And also put how many times you've told this story.

But I think it has to to be a code where it's just like two words that trigger the idea of the story because I don't want my whole stories all typed up on the story.

No, no, no.

You just need to do like the headline of the story.

Is there a threedom wiki?

I don't even know.

I don't know either.

I'm going to look it up right now.

If I could stop typing threedum, that can be helpful.

Apparently not.

Well, in any case,

we appreciate that you've stuck with us for this entire time.

Lauren's taking stuff out of her bag because she's mentally done.

She's pushed the mic away from her face.

I just, I need you guys to know that the new season is going to be so amazing that if we get to do it, it's going to rock everyone's socks.

It's going to be very different.

Yeah, it's going to be really different.

Oh my God, there's going to be so much different about it.

I didn't hear the first part of what you guys said because I was looking at my phone.

Yeah.

But I agree with the last part, which is it's going to be very different.

I will have new stories, I swear.

There's a list of three chores.

Yeah, I found

these three teachers.

Yeah.

We do need, somebody's got to add to that page the stories that we've told

on more than one occasion.

or just every story we've ever told about our lives.

It's a lot of homework for everyone out there.

I think it's okay.

But there's some weirdo who wants to do it.

All right, probably.

Well, thanks, guys.

Thank you.

We love you.

We love you.

We'll

see you next season.

Keep the faith, babies.

We hope to see you soon.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

A 15-year-old girl who chewed through a rope to escape a serial killer.

I use my front teeth to saw on the rope in my mouth.

He's been convicted of murdering two young women, but suspected of many more.

Maybe there's another one in that area.

And now, new leads that could solve these cold cases.

They could be a victim that we have no idea he killed.

Stolen Voices of Dole Valley breaks the silence on August 19th.

Follow us now so you don't miss an episode.