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Dumb three.

Dumb three.

You switched it.

Is that why it's called that?

Yeah, because we're the dumb three.

Oh, no.

I didn't realize that for the last 27 years.

Weren't we originally going to even spell it?

3-D-U-M-B?

That was probably a point, but I'm glad we didn't.

I'm glad we did that.

I'm glad we did that.

I'm glad we didn't do it.

Yeah.

I think that would have been better.

I'm glad we didn't do it.

Yeah.

I'm glad we didn't do it.

No, we didn't do it.

Definitely toothpicks.

I'm glad we didn't do it.

Definitely toothpicks.

What does he say?

Definitely toothpicks.

Are you talking about Rain Man?

It's all Rainman.

But how did that sound like Rain Man?

Definitely toothpicks.

Definitely Judge Schopenhauer.

Does he say definitely?

He's definitely a good driver.

He counts the toothpicks.

Definitely toothpicks.

And he has to get home in time to watch Wapner.

Right.

So I mixed them all together and do definitely toothpicks.

I got to rewatch that.

Just kidding.

Got to rewatch that.

If just for the escalator scene alone.

I don't remember that one.

I've been on a movie tear lately just watching movies at home.

How's that going?

It's going okay, although some of the movies...

Oh, because we talked on this show that I wanted to revisit Berham Stoker's Dracula.

Haven't done that yet, but I did revisit what?

I can't hold this?

No, I'm looking for my water, and the computer was blocking it.

So I was like, silly Billy.

I swear to God, I brought my water up.

I swear to God, I brought a glass of water to my table.

Rewatched

Minority Report

because people had been talking about it.

Yeah.

It seemed to be

mentioned a lot.

It was on a lot of lips.

It was okay.

Okay.

That was always my impression of it.

It was like fine.

Tom Cruise.

That is Tom Cruise.

I watched War of the Worlds.

I did a Tom Cruise threefer.

Threefer.

That's fun.

That's fun to pick a person.

Yeah.

Just watch a bunch of War of the Worlds.

Yeah.

I like that one.

Other than the Dakota Fannings.

Do not hold up for me.

Dakota Fanning.

She's playing.

This is back at the time when Dakota Fanning was

in everything and she was the same in everything and was always like way too precocious.

Where Tom Cruise is a divorced dad.

He's got the kids kids for the weekend.

Terrible weekend now.

The kids wore the world's weekend.

Would have been better if mom had him.

And honestly, it would have been.

They were safe up in Boston.

So

he's playing catch with his son and they're getting in an argument.

The thought of him playing catch with a kid.

I know, it's true.

Like him always playing a regular guy is just so funny to me.

Back in the day, that was...

fire when he was Jerry Maguire.

Jerry Maguire's the one because he was like an agent where it was still so busy where and him like being in a relationship was kind of new to him and all that kind of stuff.

Right.

Bought it.

But him, like, being a divorce dad.

Playing like a mechanic.

Yeah.

It's just like, come on, dude.

That's right.

So he's playing Catch with the Sun.

They're getting into an argument.

And then

he throws the ball to the sun.

The sun dodges it, lets it break a window, which is pretty funny.

And then the sun stalks off.

Just like that.

And then this small child, Dakota Fanning, says, you're never going to reach him like that.

Oh, stop.

What?

Yeah.

That's insane for a little kid.

Here's what I like about the movie is when the aliens aliens start attacking to win the final battle.

And then everything.

This is what I like about movies.

Everything at the beginning.

This is what I like about movies.

When the aliens attack.

Yeah.

And then the final battle.

How do I know it's a good movie?

When the aliens attack.

Yeah.

And there's a final battle.

Yeah.

I ought to write a screenwriting book.

When do the aliens attack?

Here's what I forgot about War of the Worlds 2, which is part of the story in every iteration.

Yeah.

Is that the thing that kills them is germs.

Oh, I didn't remember that.

Did they just like fart in their face or something?

Yeah, that's exactly what happens.

They get a big tall tall ladder

or they get tall germs all all the all the firemen in the country come together to build a mega ladder and a mega fart

so um they die by germs so the ending is

they're running around a terror and then all of a sudden they're like hey what's going on

the military's like we don't know and then a voiceover says it was morgan freeman it was germs

wait is that supposed to be funny it was germs no that's too bad it's supposed to be like it's one thing in a book because it's an ironic ending of they thought they were so advanced and they were conquerors and everything, but

they did scout for germs.

They didn't scout for germs.

Well, but when you're watching a movie, it like just ends where these things are.

They're just dead.

It was germs.

They were fine.

Whatever, whatever.

Everyone's fine.

Goodbye.

But I also

don't like about when people, when there's a movie where people go to another planet and then they just put their feet in like the ocean or something like that.

You know, I'm like, you don't know what the fuck kind of,

you know, but people do it just so people do it all the time.

All the time they're putting their feet in these in the Mars ocean.

But they do, they do a little lip service to the idea where it's like, wait a minute.

If these readings are correct, I think we can take off our helmets.

And if we can take off our helmets, we can do anything.

Then there must be nothing that isn't like Earth here.

I'm going to eat a rock.

I wouldn't very quickly take off my helmet, even if it said it was fine.

I'd leave mine on to the last possible thing.

Yeah, I'd be like, okay, you guys.

Let me see how it goes.

It's like basic surgery.

People hate helmets, though.

They hate helmets.

They're so annoying to wear.

I hate helmet laws.

The daddy safe.

Thank you.

The CPU.

But wait, my third Tom Cruise movie, Collateral.

Collateral, which was very enjoyable.

It's a fun thriller.

I watched it recently jotting down anything that happened in the plot

in order to just

understand the structure.

And humanity.

And you were like, hmm, gets in car?

What?

These humans.

How amusing.

So, did you learn anything?

I did.

I was just sort of like mulling over plots and I was writing something.

And I was like, you know what?

I'm going to watch Collateral, which has a similar type of plot to this thing I was writing.

I'm just going to like write down what is learned by the main character and what happens to the main character, like his emotional journey and his other journey and where they happen in the plot.

It was very interesting.

I still have it on my phone here.

I'll send it to you, Ball.

You'll love it.

One of two.

You'll love to read this special notes in my phone.

One of two

about a movie you just watched.

Like a subscription service.

You want to read the notes that are on my phone?

Honestly.

Sign up for this too.

That might be good.

That's part of Hack Claims 8.

Hack Claims 8.

You do get our notes.

You get to read all of our phone apps.

You have access to every app in our phone.

So you have this.

Please don't change our settings.

You have a special application.

Freedom phones.

You click that.

You can select Scott, Paul, or Lauren, and then you go into our phone.

You can look at everything.

We have nothing to hide.

Photos.

I mean, I have some things to hide, but I've already agreed to this, and it's too bad.

I don't like that I agreed to it either.

The paycheck is worth it.

So we're getting about, what, 80 million?

Well, yeah, we have

80% of the company, so it's 80 million.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, because it's 100 million.

Who knows the other 20%?

I can't.

What's that?

I think it's like.

is it the banker?

Oh, yeah, the banker from Dealer No Deal.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you guys use your notes app often?

I use it all the time.

And do you have a lot of notes we go back and you look and go, what?

Yes.

Yeah, me too.

I think I get rid of them.

I try to get rid of them.

Sometimes I'll look back and I'll go, what is that?

Yeah.

You have to write what you're talking about when you write a note.

I love when it's just like a confirmation code for something.

I'll go, yeah, I was going to remember that for sure.

I mean, that was a whole note.

I'll sometimes

say, this doesn't, you know, this doesn't deserve its own notes.

I'll write it on some other note, and then I can't find it ever again.

It doesn't deserve its own note.

You haven't earned it.

You just haven't earned it yet.

Wait, what's the oldest note I have on my phone?

I'm going to look here.

Oh, my God.

2008?

Oh, let me check mine.

2008?

That's way too far back.

Oh, wow.

This is from Match Game.

Remember those monologues I used to do on Match Game when we'd give away the prize?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh, mine's like definitely a character idea from 2016.

How did you just scroll down?

Yeah,

yeah, Paul.

It seemed daunting.

My oldest is from 2010.

What is it?

Okay, sketch idea.

Some of these things I wrote are so crazy.

Die with a puppet in audience, really into it, but lamb child puppet is bored.

The puppet sports.

What?

Really?

Into what?

Honestly, everything I wrote in here is so stupid.

Here's an idea.

I want to be a series regular on house hunters, and I pretend to be a new home buyer every episode.

That's not things.

Series regular.

And featuring

sly as Michael J.

Fox.

She's like an employee teacher.

She's like a teacher in the autumn.

She's She's got class.

This sounds like notes for bang bang.

Yeah, probably.

It was a different time.

We were at war.

The war on drugs, the war on Christmas?

I have no idea what I'm talking about here.

These are just musings.

Yeah, and then a lot of match game notes.

Wow.

I was watching Match Game last night with Martin Short.

I think he's actually a very good host.

Oh, what?

They did it again?

Yeah, they're doing it again.

Martin Short is hosting.

I love him.

Anything he does, I'm happy.

Anything?

Well, anything he does, I don't think he would choose to do something disgusting.

Rwandan genocide.

He didn't do that.

He didn't deny it.

Oh, my God.

Now we're getting into that.

Knocking over Jenga sketch, MTV show.

Duda, do da.

Knocking over Jenga Sketch MTV show.

I mean,

this isn't a sketch.

This is a show.

We got to

take some of these ideas.

You know, these are bad.

Some of these are not bad.

Guy on fire running into everything flammable.

Pretty good.

Uh-huh.

Pretty good.

Lat 8104AAE

cars.com.

Oh, when you go into our notes app on had claims8.com, any confirmation code can be used to unlock a treasure.

Yes.

Here is.

We can't tell you where the treasure is.

We can't tell you what the code, how to decode the code.

Here's a Todd line that I wrote down.

Okay.

So everything, it's like there's a few of them here.

I don't know what this is.

I got a dick bigger than a pencil, but like a big pencil like from a photo shoot.

Like when like a little kid supposed to be a pencil.

I definitely have hair in my armpits and like a thousand pubes.

I had to stop counting at a thousand.

That's good.

That's good.

That's good.

There we go.

I mean, we write these things down so that we'll come back to them.

And I'm sure I never looked at it.

But now that I'm reading some of these ideas, I'm like, oh, maybe this is.

I saw some old notes from like a meeting I had or like what a company was looking for.

I go, I got an idea for that now.

I wonder if they still care about that now.

It's eight years later.

A company?

That's some company I met with.

Oh, like a showbiz company.

I thought you meant like they want inventions or something.

We want inventions.

I met with the Rube Goldberg Company.

They want inventions.

What's the best invention you ever came up with?

That I came up with.

Didn't we talk about this like a week ago?

I had an idea for something that I remembered the other day that was like portable razors

because they're so heavy right now.

But like, okay, so what would happen?

I'm tired of lugging these razors.

This is like from like a million years ago.

I remember having this idea and going, this is a great idea.

It better be from exactly a million years ago.

It's a million years ago.

But you, as a lady, you know, you shave your legs, you get in the car, and you go, I missed a spot.

Like in the sun, you could see that you missed a spot.

And then you'd go, I wish I had a razor.

And then I would have a razor, and this is very unnecessary now that I think about this at all but the razor would have like a like at the end of it would be like water and you like squeeze that and it'll go and then

shave your leg

yeah so like it was a small razor with like a little soap you know on the end like a little sometimes they make those and then there's water and like shaving gel in a little yeah you go

and then you go

I mean honestly it's so unnecessary yeah

yeah that's why nobody invented it I guess

We don't know that.

I haven't even Googled it.

I don't even know.

Maybe someone did.

What about

like one of those little trimmers?

I mean, anything can work.

There's so many things that can work.

I mean, literally, there's these little tiny razors that they sell anyway.

They're a little like face razors.

It's for women.

It's like a little

thin pencil-like thing.

It's flat.

One of the novelty pencils, they have

huge.

And you can just take off your little mustache, fix your eyebrows, do a little thing.

It's like there's like a lot lot of, it's just a teeniest little tweak.

I need the listeners to know you held it up to your eye when you said mustache.

Well, that's what I call my eyelashes, my eye mustaches.

Sure, that makes sense.

Not eyebrows.

No, no, no.

If I was a woman, I would just never leave the house that was in a dress, not down to my ankles.

Man, if I was a woman,

I never leave the house unless my dress was to my ankles and I had knee socks on and long boots.

A petticoat.

And a petticoat.

And a bustle.

A hustle and a hat.

And one on the bat.

Now, there was a TV show called Petticoat Junction.

Yes.

Which I think was in the Beverly Hill Billies verse.

Was it a spin-off of one of those boys?

I don't know if it was a spin-off.

It spin-off, but I think they did crossover.

So it was on Earth.

It was on Earth.

It was set on planet Earth.

I think a lot of shows are in the Beverly Hill Billies verse then.

If that's all it takes.

Set elsewhere.

Yeah.

ER.

So everything that's on Earth is a Beverly Hill Billies offshoot to you?

Well, they're related.

They're in the same universe.

Sure.

You know, like in the 80s, there'd be a lot of crossover on shows.

Like Urkel would go to different.

So then you're led to believe that everyone lives

near each other.

Near each other.

In the TGIF gang.

But like we know that like Urkel lives in Chicago, that the Full House family lives in San Francisco.

Where did Bowdy and Cousin Larry live?

That's a great junction.

I would have said they're in like Cincinnati or some shit.

On the wings of my dreams.

But Petticoat Junction, here's, I don't know what the gimmick of it was.

It was a train station was Petticoat Junction.

Yeah.

And there was, oh, maybe the gimmick was just there was three on

the ladies there.

Chicago.

So Urkel and Cousin Larry could have.

Balky and Urkel.

That's a crazy combination.

I'm sure they met.

I'm sure they met.

They had to have met.

Did I do that?

Don't be ridiculous.

That could go on for hours.

When two catchphrases

answer each other can fit in like a lock and a key.

There was a little reunion between Balki and Larry recently.

I love that.

I saw a picture of them together.

That's nice.

And I felt so happy.

I always thought he was

a funny part of the Leftovers TV show that he was in it.

He was.

Mark Glynn Baker was in it.

Oh, I didn't realize it was in it as himself.

No,

he was one of the leftovers.

No.

Are you fucking kidding me?

No, that was very funny.

Because there would be celebrities.

And so he was.

So, like, in the leftover, somebody comes up to him and like, hey, are you?

Yeah, he's like trying to avoid it or something like that.

He's like, doesn't want attention or something.

Just for like one episode?

I think just for like a brief cameo or something like that.

That's funny.

I tried to watch the leftovers when it came out.

And that first season.

First season's such a bummer.

Then it's really good after that.

That's what he said.

said but then so that is just don't even watch the first season 20 hours but are the surly teens in it the whole time i doubt the whole time the whole time the whole time it becomes fun

in seasons two and three while while still being a you know like a hard situation you know what i never watched which feels related you know what and i'm sorry i should have a little more empathy it was a hard situation for them it's a difficult

man on earth i haven't watched that one but i'm like i probably would like that yeah it's funny i i don't think i watched the whole thing, but I watched a lot of things.

The whole thing, the whole thing, the whole thing.

What is that?

From Mrs.

Delta.

Oh,

Paul hasn't seen, right?

No, never will.

Never will.

You have to go on Scott Hasn't Seen and watch.

Come on, Paul.

This was a drive-by fruiting.

It was a run-by-fruiting.

God damn it.

I always do that.

Everyone does because it should.

It should be drive-by fruiting.

You haven't even seen it.

What the fuck do you know what it should be?

Here's what I know about Mrs.

Delta Fire.

and we've covered this before.

Yeah.

And we'll cover it again.

What do you know?

Helio.

Thank you.

Hillu.

Tits on Fire.

Yep.

Face in the Street.

Do you know what he puts his tits out with?

Tits on Fire.

Face in the Street.

Like

he has the lid covers.

Yep.

The whole time, the whole time, the whole time.

Good one.

That's one of the best deliveries of anything ever.

Improvising, doing ADR for for a cartoon that has already been animated.

Yes.

That's such a good point.

That's a weird one.

That is a good point.

I never thought about it.

I couldn't believe that when I saw it, because I saw it, it's one of the movies that prompted me to do Scott Asn's Seen because I watched it right before we started that show.

And I was like, it's just insane that he's sitting there doing the voiceover for a cartoon.

Yeah, I never thought about that.

That's interesting.

I think Dude Looks Like a Lady is in there.

If it's in there, or at least it's in the trailer.

Yeah.

I think it's in the movie.

I think it's in the movie when he starts kind of like cleaning, having fun.

Yes.

Yeah.

Having fun.

And

I think that may be it.

I did watch the deleted scene,

which is very harrowing to romance.

Oh, yeah.

No, I think I sent that to you.

It's the original ending or no, it's just a deleted scene that actually treats

the premise seriously of like what Sally Field would actually say to Robin Williams were this to happen.

This is a fucked up thing you did.

Yeah, this is an insane situation.

Yeah, we don't really want that.

No one can trust you.

You're a lunatic.

Yeah, which is all like

what you would say.

I mean, I think there's obviously a lot of movies that do stuff like that where someone's like pretending to be something.

And then at the end, they find out you, it's like

part of you wants that a little bit for them to get like, that's so crazy.

Like, you're insane.

And then the other part of you is like, but then that's like, that person should literally be like locked up like there's like no other ending yeah yeah yeah it has to be a little silly you have to let them get away you would at least press charges yeah like it's like that's really messy it's too it's messy it's messy but i but i feel like i don't need to see that movie and i would not gain anything from seeing who would you do a mrs doubtfire with

wait wait pause wait pause in your life you need to gain something from watching everything you watch like enjoyment

or money.

Is that fair to say?

What if the filmmakers paid you to watch it?

Sure.

How much?

10,000.

How much would it take to get you into this?

Less than $10 million.

A thousand.

You'd do it for $1,000.

Would you do it for $100?

How badly do they want me to watch this?

Really badly?

It's like a thing that they're doing.

They're proud of it.

Then if they say $1,000, I'm going to come back with $10,000.

What if they say $100,000?

I say, fuck off.

You start with $1,000.

Well, I'm saying $100 hundred because I'll pay you to do it on Skype.

If I'm not gonna do

no,

no,

come on, no, what if I tell you the filmmakers want you to see?

We also have people, neighborhood listen listeners, want us to do a watch along with Mrs.

Doubtfire because we've mentioned it so many times.

What did you drop?

Oh, headphones.

Why did you do that?

I didn't know I did.

I was so surprised.

Oh, now all of a sudden you don't know that you did it.

Yeah, I didn't know.

Your question was: who would you miss as Doubtfire?

Who in your life would you miss as Doubtfire?

So so you put on a costume and get in and infiltrate your personal space take aside the realism of like the makeup and all that you know but who if you if you could miss doubtfire someone in the world who would you do it to to like what it doesn't have to be someone in your what are you trying to get out of it also yes what does it mean to mrs doubtfire someone you have similar goals as mrs doubtfire no no no no you just dress up like mrs doubtfire it has to be mrs doubtfire but it's a universe where mrs doubtfire doesn't exist you can't create an original character.

No, you have to Mrs.

Delfire.

But you are going to be around somebody in order to either gain time with them or in your life.

You don't have to be a nanny.

You can be their personal assistant.

But you look like Mrs.

Delphi.

But you have to look like Mrs.

Delphi.

Whatever you do, you have to work for them.

And you have to talk like her.

Okay.

I wouldn't do it around an old school.

So you have to say, I'll go pick up your dry cleaning.

I'll do whatever you ask me to do.

I'll go to the grocery store for you and get some meet Shanks.

My Scottish accent is about as good as his.

Yeah, sure.

I could do it.

Would you do it to Janie?

No.

So you'd say, Paul's out of town

and his grandma is coming to stay.

I told her this early on in our relationship.

I will never miss his doubt friend.

That's in your vows.

Yeah.

I said it to Mike, but I was lying.

And I will do it.

I forgot you could lie in your vows.

And I want my kids to have like an old grandma kind of figure like that.

So I'll do it so that they have that kind of experience.

oh you know what i would do it for your kids yeah so that they have that kind of experience like being around an old lady i do it for all my friends they won't like when they find out that it was not old lady like that'll really up their heads about like how to interact in the world my uncle used to my late uncle rip

uncle dick used to on sundays he would buy boxes of donuts and go around to all the grandkids and visit with them and give them donuts what a great guy yeah and so i would do that on sundays with all my friends kids i would be missing

That's nice.

They'd look forward to it.

Delta is here with the donuts.

Look at you, you e-bear.

Oh, you're getting so big.

That's nice.

I would do it to Hunter Biden just so I could look at that laptop from hell.

Oh, my God.

I don't even know that reference.

I'm just going to let it be.

You're so lucky.

I'm going to let it be.

You're so lucky.

All right.

We have to take a break.

Hey, Lauren, have you ever shopped online?

Yes.

Oh, cool.

You seem-wait, ask me too.

Hey, Paul, have you ever shopped online?

No.

Well, you should start.

How?

Well, um,

what do I have to explain to get you into this shopping online thing?

The internet?

Do I need to explain that or do you know what I mean?

No, I know what the internet is.

Okay.

Well, you can shop on it.

You can buy stuff.

And then they send it to your house or other places.

That's where my knowledge has a gap.

Well, you know, the reason that most people abandon their carts when they're shopping online, it's not because they don't want the items anymore.

It's because they don't want to get up

from their couches or wherever they happen to be sitting or lying down and go get their credit card.

I would think the big appeal of abandoning your cart is that you get to yell, abandoned cart.

I mean, that's a big part of the reason, but that's mainly why people do it.

And

some businesses are...

I don't know.

Yes, are you not interested in this anymore?

Well, I just wanted to tell you something.

What?

Part of the reason why some businesses are so successful is because they allow customers to save their information, making checkouts fast and pain-free.

Okay, so you might have seen a purple button at checkout with the word shop sticking out amongst all the other payment options.

That's Shopify's shop pay, and there's a reason so many businesses sell with it, homies.

Yeah,

Shopify doesn't just make the buying experience better for customers, they're also the experts in helping small businesses grow big and complete sales, which is why so many businesses rely on Shopify.

Well, I'm going to trust the experts.

Yeah.

Shopify's point-of-sale system is a unified command center for your retail business.

Imagine being able to guarantee that shopping is always convenient.

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What did you call it?

Point of sale, you nasty people.

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Did you make that noise with your mouth?

Go to Shopify.com/slash Threedom.

Shopify.com/slash Threedom.

This message is sponsored by Greenlight.

Hey, Paul.

Yeah.

Remember summertime when you were a kid?

Summertime, summertime, sum, sum, summertime, summertime, summertime, sum, sum, summertime, summertime, summertime, sum, sum, summertime, summertime.

Yes.

Well, man, remember running around barefoot and sometimes sometimes without pants?

In the middle of nature?

Getting poison ivy all over your body?

Do you remember?

Do you remember where I don't want to answer any more questions?

No further questions, Your Honor.

Opportunities born from boredom writes a passage like riding a bike, setting up a lemonade stand, even learning to earn and manage a buck.

Well, with school out, and I think school is back for some people, but it's out for others.

I heard it was out forever.

I think my friend Alice told me that, but I'm not sure.

Anyway, with school out, summer is the perfect time to teach your kids real-world money skills that they will use forever.

Hey, Lauren, I wanted to talk to you too.

Okay.

Because you have kids, and I have kids.

Greenlight, what it is, let me explain what it is.

Okay, it's a debit card and money app made for families, like yours, Lauren.

And it helps kids to learn how to save money, invest money, and and how to spend money wisely.

Parents can send money to their kids and keep an eye on how they're spending and how they're saving.

Meanwhile, the kids and teens build money confidence and skills in a fun, accessible way that feels more like a game than a lesson.

Well, I do feel like once my kids are ready to get an allowance, the Greenlight app will make it so easy to keep track of it because they have built-in chores features that allows you to set up a one-time or recurring chore, customize to your household, and reward kids with allowance for a job well done.

What's the one-time chore?

I would love if there was a chore you just had to do once.

Like, dig up that tree.

There you go.

There you have it.

Greenlight is an easy, convenient way for parents to raise financially smart kids and families to navigate life together.

And I don't know.

I'm just guessing, but maybe that's why millions of parents trust and kids love learning about money on Greenlight, the number one family finance and safety app.

Don't wait to teach your kids real-world money skills.

Start your risk-free Green Light trial today at greenlight.com/slash threedom.

Let me say it again, okay?

That's greenlight.com slash threedom to get started.

Greenlight.com/slash threedom.

Cooler temps are rolling in.

Dude dah, dooda.

And as always, Quince is where I'm turning for fall staples that actually last from cashmere to denim to boots.

I'm seeing you so furious.

I'm mad, but I'm getting happier.

The quality holds up, and the price still blows me away.

Quince has the kind of fall staples you'll wear non-stop, like super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, starting at $60.

I got to ask you about their denim.

Okay, well, their denim's durable and it fits right.

What about leather jackets?

They are real and they bring that clean, classic edge without the elevated price tag.

Sounds good.

What makes Quince different?

Hey, everyone.

Oh, hey, well, they partner directly with ethical factories and skip the middlemen.

So you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands.

Can I hear some personal experience from you?

Because I'm still a little skeptical for some reason.

Well one of my favorite pieces from Quince is their 100% merino wool all-season short-sleeve tee.

Now I've been trying to incorporate more natural fibers into my wardrobe as I'm telling you all the time and wool totally fits the bill.

It's naturally heat regulating so it helps keep you warm in winter, cool in summer.

The perfect thing for this in-between season.

Now I've been wearing mine so much I just ordered one in another color.

I want to keep it classic and cool this fall.

Do you have any suggestions?

You should do that with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com/slash threedom for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

No, that's great.

How do you spell it?

365-day returns is amazing because if you're like me, sometimes you forget to return something.

Yes, and yes, when you miss the window, like 200 days in, you might be like, I got to return.

Honestly, I've done that before.

That's q-u-in-ce-e.com/slash threadom.

Free shipping and 365 days returns.

Quince.com/slash threedom.

And we're back.

Guess what else I watched?

What?

The Billie Joel documentary.

Oh, I want to watch that.

You want to watch that, Paul?

Why'd you watch it without me?

Paul.

Let us watch it, please.

We stay

until 11 p.m.

waiting for you to show up.

Can I borrow your copy?

Can I borrow your documentary?

Oh, no, my brother.

You've got to get your own.

Can I borrow your house?

Halo Soul Classics rules apply.

Borrow your house once.

Why do you want to borrow my house?

I just want to live in it.

I want to switch.

I want to freaky Friday you, but with lives with me?

Without the body stuff.

I can't wait to see that, by the way.

Freakier Friday.

I'll be going to that in the theater.

Amy Schneider of Jeopardy Fame.

Very funny post that said, there's no way that this is a freakier Friday.

It has happened before.

If anything, this is a less freaky Friday.

That's true.

It's like we kind of know what we're doing.

Yeah.

It'll be almost freakier if something totally different happened.

Which, why wouldn't it?

Why wouldn't something totally different happen?

Yeah.

Like, well, like, what is different than what happened in Freaky Friday?

What if they traded bodies with a couch?

Yes, but that's exactly.

It still is similar to Freaky Friday, where body switching is happening.

But body switching with a different type of body.

It's still in the body.

The part that's always so crazy, and I mean, I think they address it a little bit, but it's like, there's a couple things that are crazy about it.

Your body being totally different, and also it's somebody else's.

It's not like big or 13 or 130, where it's still your own body, but it's just your older.

Would you rather

your mom or grandma's body?

Would you rather big or freaky Friday yourself?

Oof.

And I can, it's going to be undone at a certain point.

It'll, it'll be like a weekend, like a long weekend.

If you make a like a fourth of July weekend, that's like the fourth lands on the Friday, and you still have the money.

So if I'm bigging myself at this point, it means I'm like getting older.

No, you're getting.

Well, what do you want?

Well, I don't want to.

Do you want to get younger?

No, I don't really want anything to happen like that.

Like, you're going to reverse big yourself where you're 20.

Or Or I,

well, that could be interesting.

Yeah.

I could see that.

Like you're going to, you're going to give yourself.

I'm going to give myself.

Yep.

I think that, well, I think being in someone else's body is kind of more interesting because then you're like, so that's what this is like.

So that's what that mouth do.

I would only want to switch body.

No, I literally know what that mouth does.

I would not want to switch bodies with someone that I knew.

I know.

I know.

It's freaky.

I've always talked about bodies with.

now.

That's no, and then the other part that's so crazy, like in the originals, like she has to like kiss or avoid kissing her

stepdad or whatever.

Spoilers, spoilers.

That's gross.

Oh, stepdad.

Go ahead.

You're not related.

I think it would be boyfriend or something.

Yeah, go ahead.

It'd be good to switch bodies with like a famous person.

George Cloney.

George cluned the cloon dog or one of the Kardashians, the younger ones.

I'd love to switch bodies with Sean Penn.

Jesus Christ.

So weird.

But not brains.

You have the exact brain of Sean Penn.

Hey, my opinion.

How dare you?

A strange insult.

Hey, you have the brain of Sean Penn, asshole.

Someone you don't know who cuts you off on the street.

They leave comments.

What the fuck do they mean?

Do you want to hear a story about Sean Penn?

Yeah, sure.

He was working on a movie.

This is many, many years ago.

And another actor on the movie said this, that he would, you know, between takes, he would sometimes just quote these

poems.

You know,

yeah, he would quote like long sections of poems in.

And then at the end, say something like, he would tag it with C.

Bukowski.

you know, like that kind of thing.

And then one time he did this

long, rambling one, and he finished it with

S Pen.

That's tough.

And I have to say, I give him credit for not making the person say, Who was that one by?

Yeah, yeah.

Did you like that one?

What did you think of that one?

Guess who it's by?

S Pen?

I've always been a little.

I'm going to write it on the underside of this rock and then walk away.

I've been a little like, I don't know if impressed is the word, but I think it's interesting when people

have Shakespeare memorized poems or things like that.

See, no, that's finished.

That don't impress me much.

I mean, I think memorized.

So, do you memorize some Shakespeare?

That does.

Okay.

That's what I said.

I don't think impressed is the word.

Yeah.

But I simply don't do that.

But I do remember songs.

You know what's funny is I know what you mean.

It's not so much impressed as I wish I could have something like that committed to memory.

Yeah.

At my fingertips.

You know what I mean?

Like I could always have that with me.

Just like memorizing pie or something.

Oh, damn spot.

Hey, you're one of those fans.

Wow.

Say who wrote that.

Thank you.

Or B.

Shakespeare, as I call him.

Bill.

Billy.

Do you think he really was eight different people?

Yeah.

I think we all are.

Whoa.

You know what?

I think that's so possible

that he was.

Yeah.

I think that about Aaron Sorkin, too.

Oh, no, he was one person in seven cocaines.

I'll have seven cocaines, please.

What's the limit of cocaines?

Is it different types?

They're making a social network follow-up.

Yeah.

You know what I was so surprised by?

They're making a the holiday limited series, which I thought, great, I would totally watch that.

And then Nancy Myers posted and she goes, this is the first I'm hearing of it.

I go, she wrote the first one.

I go, how did that happen?

Wow.

She literally had never heard about it.

Wow.

Doesn't that seem insane?

She

crazy.

She doesn't own the rights to it.

But if she wrote it, you would think.

She paid for it.

Well, but

when they tell her that when it's happening too, so

maybe her agent minimizes a surprise.

Yeah, surprise.

You're doing this.

Please don't tell her this is happening.

I want her to get the check and then be thrilled.

I just thought that was interesting.

It is interesting.

You know, the social media element of it all is kind of interesting because we can hear that immediately.

She can just say, you know, I can hear you, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nancy Myers is scrolling like fucking nobody's business.

She scrolls.

Shelly, she posts, you know what?

I actually think she posts a lot of lovely, like, throwback pictures and things.

I love all her movies, so I always like when she posts

pots and pans.

Yeah.

So, Nancy Maritime.

Candlesticks.

It's kind of fun to have a whole style of house that you sort of have your stamp on.

It's true.

And her house was in Architectural Digest, which was beautiful.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, obviously.

Did she welcome them in, like Walton Guard?

I don't think it was a video.

My house was in National Geographic.

It was a cave.

It was like a Goofus and Gallant.

It was a cave.

Goofus and Gallant.

What is it, rude to live in a cave?

Like,

you want your house to be in architectural digest.

Gallant has his house in architectural digest.

Goofus has his and no doubt.

Goofus is wanted by The Hague.

What is that from?

Highlights Magazine, my dear girl.

Oh.

Yes.

I used to read that the dentist.

The Timber Toes, The Weird family, that were puppets, jointed puppets.

My mother gifted our daughter a subscription to Highlights Magazine.

I was rolling my eyes

when it happened.

She loves it.

I was just thinking I should just do that.

She loves it.

She's like, just today, she's like, I got mail.

That's cute.

And she goes through them and asks us to read them over and over to her.

Oh, I want to do that.

Yeah.

That's really, that's really good.

Got any old ones?

No.

It's fun.

I love that your mom also, first of all, Highlights Magazine still exists.

It's wild to me.

I know.

They still sell it.

I almost bought one recently, but it was like, it was all games, which I wasn't sure Holly would really know how to do.

And it was also fun.

Amy loves the

find the hidden.

Oh, that's good.

And she's memorized where every single thing is, but she wants to play all the time.

She's like, let's read this to me, which means just me going, where's this thing?

And she goes, there.

And she knows exactly where it is.

What about Spot the Five Differences?

Oh, she hasn't really figured out how to do that yet.

I hope she.

That really reminds me of being at the dentist.

Like, I actually very firmly can see myself in the chair there.

And Ranger Rick.

The raccoon.

I just flashed back to my old doctor's office.

And

the other day we were,

Emmy was like,

she got, we watched Lady in the Tramp the other day, and she

got fascinated by the guy playing the accordion.

So she was like miming it.

Yeah.

And then we like looked up some videos of people playing the accordion.

It was Concertina, I believe.

Did you see it in the theater?

Yeah.

Were they doing like old...

You know what's so weird?

I was at the movies yesterday sing Naked Gun, which was hilarious.

And the trailers, they had some trailers for old movies that aren't that old that are being put back in the theater.

Like Trainwreck is going to be in the theaters again, August 21st or something.

No, these are like the special one-night event.

It's one night.

It's the fathom events or whatever.

Okay, I don't know if that's...

Trainwreck is even getting a night?

Well, like 40-year-old Virgin is like the 30th.

Maybe they play half an hour.

Thanks for coming, everyone.

20th anniversary

or something of a 40-year-old virgin.

It was some anniversary.

That one made more sense.

And then Trainer, it wasn't an anniversary.

And then I was like, wait, we're just doing old.

I was like, can we make new movies?

Is this what movie theaters have come to, though?

They're just putting old movies from not that long ago in the theater.

Like, it's not like an old like 70s movie that we're having some screening of.

It seems so strange to me.

That is really weird.

And it felt like a sign of the times being not good.

Not good

in any case.

I was thinking about the place where my brother took accordion lessons and just how, and I was like, Was everything shitty in the 70s?

Like every store we ever went into or doctor's office, or it's just everything was terrible, wasn't it?

I have like bad memories of every

style, yeah, yeah, and just how depressing everything was because everything was brown, yeah, everything was brown, everything was brown, and the sky was gray when I was in second grade, the sky was gray, we did a performance that's she was in the second gray.

She was in the second.

Had a good day, Leggie.

Had a good day.

So we did this performance in second grade where we, to that song, we had our, we painted shirts, white t-shirts.

You paint a sun on one side.

Why not just buy a shirt that already has this painted?

Because it doesn't exist.

So that's the same thing.

It paints something.

A rainy day or a fall day.

I don't know what.

It was either

something that represented the other part of the song.

All the leaves are brown,

and then we would put our arms in our shirt and turn the shirt around, which is like so crazy.

I would love to see this.

It sounds like a fucking

disaster.

And then there was this one little girl who,

I don't know, was this a teacher's idea?

I guess.

And this little girl, one of the little girls got all twisted up.

And I remember it was this whole thing.

And then that was awkward.

Oh, it was just like, oh, it was crazy.

Awkward.

That is incredible.

It was really odd.

These kids fucking try to switch these t-shirts.

I know.

Like, we had to put our arms in and move it around.

I'm like, that's silly.

Why don't we just turn around?

Start with your arms out?

I guess.

Yeah, because it would be weird.

It would be giving it away if we had our arms in.

But then would you have to keep putting them back out?

I don't know.

But I do remember, I remember being on stage and looking out.

I remember the perspective.

I remember a moment of that.

And it was, you know, really exciting.

You saw Critics shaking his head.

Yeah, you went, why aren't there arms in that thing?

Closes his notebook.

Do you remember any other show that you did when you were in like

elementary school or anything?

I remember we did a like

kind of you must pay the rent, I can't pay the rent type show.

And I think I was the villain with the big mustache or whatever.

Yeah, it was rent.

Yeah.

5,62 million.

I'm sure I've told you.

We did Lame as Rob when I was in fourth and fifth grade.

It was like fourth and fifth graders doing Lame as Rob.

Directed by a local college student from Northwestern.

And

I never knew what I was doing on stage.

I literally was like, what?

Like every time I'm like,

Sam V social.

Photonomic.

I got a phone call.

I got to go.

Social.

Show, show, show.

Social, hack, hot.

Maybe you want to share the social

phone call.

I've been very tired lately.

I missed that.

I'm very tired.

I'm very tired.

What is she?

Wait, she's like, I've been very busy lately.

I know, but I'm very, no, but it was, I'm very busy.

It's not, it wasn't.

There's something that's off about it.

Yes.

I am very busy.

I am being very busy lately, or something.

We're going to have to, let's do it again.

I'm going to have to find it.

Wish me luck.

I forget what the magic phrase was.

I know.

The phrase that pays.

What was it?

I know.

I won't ever know.

Fuck, fuck you.

I'll never find it.

Plus, I'm out of Instagram time, so good luck with that.

Fuck you.

Did I tell you about that time I went to go see?

I was six or something, and I went to go see

a big event at our school with like, you know, where adults would come in and dress up in costumes and sing songs and all that kind of shit.

And they all went out into the crowd.

And then one of them came up to me and said, hi, Scott.

And then.

And then danced away.

And I was, I've never

knew how they knew.

I never knew how they knew my anger.

You know, well, it's one of those things like you meet these little kids as a parent, and then I see them again.

I go, I'm not going to go talk to them because they don't remember me.

And it's weird.

I always thought it was so weird when some adult was talking to me.

Yeah.

Anytime I talk to a friend's kid, I'm always just like, you're not interested in anything that I'm fucking saying right now.

Yeah.

I'm looking at our episode titles because I feel like it was an episode title.

I think so too.

I think so three.

We'll never find it.

We'll never find it.

Whatever I do.

Traffic jam.

I can't afford a paper because I have very, very paper right now.

Can't afford any paper today.

Can't afford any paper today.

Check back tomorrow about my paper money.

Yeah, and then you, you have not done the.

Why have you not done

your assignment?

You've not done your assignment.

Corporate lady, how to talk.

Corporate lady, how to talk.

Do not.

Do not talk.

I don't don't think that necessarily will

no I think it actually here let me look it up whoops corporate although

it may now direct everyone to our our actual episode

corporate lady how to talk no everything that comes up is all freedom stuff

if if this is your first episode this is a video

why why are you why are you starting now start at episode one people say it's delightful yeah I'm not going to.

I would never.

But I've heard tell.

I was wondering: is that report going to be due on Tuesday?

Oh, great, Mr.

Jones.

I'll get it done for you.

No problem.

A rapid cheerleader shows three things: someone who's not as intelligent as she wants to appear, someone who's rushed, and someone who's exceptionally awkward.

There should be no problem with this.

I want to know why the reports were not done in time.

I want to know where they are.

I want to know where the awkward reports are.

Very negative.

Well, I was gonna get that report done as soon as possible, but hopefully, it will be on Tuesday, okay?

That's not again, that's not just the way they're talking, that's the stuff she's saying.

Thank you.

Someone who's tight-lipped is someone who is not cooperative, someone who doesn't want to work well with others, and someone who is very negative in their approach to communication.

I was wondering if I could get to report you on maybe maybe Monday or Tuesday because I've been very busy right now.

I've been very busy right now.

I was wondering if I get the report.

She should have one thing that she says across all versions.

Right, because that would be more of a way to do that.

Instead, she's saying the stupid thing.

So she's like, this makes you sound very unintelligent.

It's like, well, yeah, you're saying things that make no sense.

Naturally.

I've been very busy right now.

I've been very busy right now.

I crushed my pet baby chick this morning.

I sadly.

What's the one you said about the pet a rabbit rabbit to death.

When you said about that, there's water in my hat.

Someone put water in my hat.

I can't do your report now.

You changed it to water in my ass.

No, I didn't.

You just asked.

I just said hat.

She said hat.

I heard what I wanted to hear.

Wow.

All right, we have to take a break.

It's back back to school season.

School season, little boys and girls.

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I'm Hussa Minhaj, and I have been lying to you.

I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast, Hussin Minhaj Doesn't Know, to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask.

People like Senator Elizabeth Warren.

Is America too dumb for democracy?

Outrageously.

Parenting expert Dr.

Becky.

How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath?

It's a good question.

Listen to Hussam Minhaj Doesn't Know from Lemonata Media, wherever you get your podcasts.

And we're back and

it's time for a three cher, but I know you're saying it.

You're saying it in a weird way, which indicates to me you're going to ask the question again.

Well, look, am I right?

The issue I have is.

God, not this again with you guys.

You forced me at gunpoint to say this word, threecher, which I didn't even know the definition of.

I happen to be pointing my gun near you.

It's directly against my temple.

That's pretty near you.

My body.

My body is my temple.

You're pointing it at my elbow.

My body is my temple.

Okay, hey, John Mayor.

By the way,

at our wedding reception, we had a playlist

that we had like several playlists.

So there was like a before the reception and then during and blah, blah.

So our, our, like while people were waiting for us to appear magically, we were getting pictures done.

Of course, that went over time.

Of course.

And so the playlist ran out.

And so the DJ took it upon himself to play some wedding favorites.

And

DJs.

Jessica Chaffin, we didn't notice.

And then Jessica Chaffin walked up to Janie at one point as Your Body is a Wonderland is playing.

She said, is this one of yours?

She's a wedding.

Then we had to go to tell the guy, go to the next playlist.

Yeah, yeah.

By the way, wedding photographer did not take any pictures of my family.

Wow.

Interesting choice.

Yeah.

Wow.

Didn't we didn't think about it until yeah, that's their job?

Yeah.

Yeah.

To say, like, hey, don't you want some with the, yeah.

Not even don't you want some, but this is what's done at every wedding.

Yeah.

Is there's two.

Don't you want some pictures?

Wedding photography is such a fucking scam.

This guy insisted that we had to FedEx him a check before the wedding.

Wow.

And then we got the pictures over a year later.

For what?

Okay, the personality

so long.

And

he said, you know, we feel bad about the weight, so we included some extra pictures at no charge, which were just like

blurry pictures.

Blurry pictures.

Pictures of people's feet.

That's crazy.

Well, that's a little strange.

Yeah, I thought so, too.

There were a few

foot pics in there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's gross.

Who took him?

Quentin Tarantino?

Oh,

did you know him?

Yeah, no, he's a big famous film director.

That guy directs films?

Yeah, like Pulp Friction and stuff like that.

I hope he includes everybody's family.

Every single character in those movies.

Both sides of the film.

Yeah, I've cuts them both sides.

They're filming Once Upon a Time in Hollywood 2 in Highland Park at some old lamps.

That's weird.

But it's really cool.

They made the street really like 70s and put up old lampposts.

That's cool.

It was cool.

um, they put like old, they took like a, you know, like

the fucking

is Tartantooney directing it?

Electricity post.

What is that called?

Why can't I think of what that's called?

Where it's just like a big wooden pole, you know, in the streets.

That has knocked it out of my brain now.

Yeah.

Like electricity.

I cannot believe this.

Electric pole?

That's not the word.

That's not the word.

There is more.

I know.

Is it a dance electro?

No.

I know.

Why?

Anyway, how did you do that?

I don't know, but they stapled old, like telephone polls.

Yes.

Jesus.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

That was terrifying.

That was bad.

That was bad.

That was bad.

I had no clue what I was talking about.

But, but shouldn't they retitle them because no one uses them for a telephone?

Electricity pole.

But they, anyway, they like the set deck is, of course, top-notch.

And they took that set decoration for you rubes out there.

They put like stapled old flyers all over it and like staples and it made it look really cool and old.

Like it's staples?

Yeah.

Cool.

Anyway, it was just cool stuff.

Cool stuff.

Cool stuff.

There's an old theater there that a movie theater that got shut down because of the pandemic.

But I'm like, Quinton Tarantino bought a couple theaters.

I'm like, that's where we saw Lady and the Tramp.

This one, because it's cool.

It needs to be redone inside.

You should buy it.

Why is no one?

I'll buy it.

What is going on with the arc light?

That's insane.

It's insanity to me.

This is all I want.

I thought they saved it.

I thought something happened at one point.

They were like, it is saved.

There was a rumor at one point about who was buying it.

And I was like, oh, that's interesting.

But then it never came to pass.

Mr.

H.

Hughes.

It's crazy to let it pay for it.

You're a little bit pissed.

In airplanes.

Imagine if you had so much money and you could just do it.

It'd be so awesome.

Just do it.

Do it.

Just do it.

And I could just buy that theater.

It would be fun.

Okay.

How much gives it to me?

How much did it cost?

Why don't we all chip in?

Yeah, let's all chip in.

How much do the building cost?

We have to put in new seats, new machines.

Wait, why do we have to put in new seats?

It was like a state-of-the-art theater.

The one in Highland Park.

Oh, I don't care about that one.

Oh, okay.

We're talking about the arc light.

You want to buy the arc light?

How much could it possibly cost?

A million dollars.

A million, what, like a million dollars?

Well, judging by the fact that a piece of shithouse here is a million dollars, I would say

no.

Probably a billion.

Is that the minte?

Is that the minte?

Yeah.

Anyway, guys, what is a three-turf?

It's a game.

Who likes to play it?

We do.

What's it also known as?

A buster.

Oh, okay.

Is that all you wanted to do?

That's all I wanted to score.

Oh, my God.

I judged you so harshly.

What are you singing?

This song about scrubs.

It's about nurses and the stuff they wear.

Got it.

Got it.

And doctors.

Yeah.

Doctors, doctors, doctors, dentists, everywhere.

Anesthesiologists.

Doctors, doctors, doctors.

Are you tired of all these doctors in your house?

We'll get them out with just this handy spray.

I thought we got rid of those.

Okay.

We're going to play a three-chir

called Switch It and Pitch It.

Who submitted this shit?

We don't know.

We don't know.

We don't know.

Is it lost in the Mississippi?

I actually think it was the one I came up with.

Okay.

You do?

That's a bold claim.

That's a hag claim.

Stand by it.

If you were a hag, that would be your eighth claim.

thank god i'm not a hag oh i thank god every every morning i'm like thank you jesus i'm not a hag thank you jesus thank you um okay switch it and pitch it we all know how this is played one person is given one person thinks of a tv show title now it's going to be a real challenge for us not to do the ones we've used several times boy that's true that is hard that is true just any title of a TV show how about the show has to have

limits the show has to have come out in the last year

Or to know what shows have come out in the last year.

Just come up with something.

A fake show?

Yeah.

Okay, anyway, so then the person pitching the show has to pitch with the opposite title of the one given.

Every word has to be opposite of the real title.

And then you pitch the plot, the premise of the show

based off of that title.

It doesn't have to do with the original show.

That's right.

Yes, that is right.

So, you don't have to know anything about the show.

You just have to know.

And then we added the theme song.

Sure.

And then we can because it's fun.

And then you sing a theme song.

And then you sing the theme song.

Yeah.

Or someone else sings it.

Yeah.

And

are we doing it where two people pitch to one person, the person who came up with the original title?

Or are we doing it where you're pitching to two people?

I think it's pitching to two people.

You're pitching to two people.

Okay.

Okay.

You thought the opposite.

I did, but you know what?

Who cares?

It doesn't matter.

None of this matters.

We're all about it.

I'll give you a title.

I'll give one of you a title.

Okay.

Who's going to pitch?

I'll pitch.

The show is called Too Much.

It's on Netflix currently, created by Lena Dunham.

Too much.

Now, is that just informationally for me?

Is that T-O-O?

Yes.

Good question.

Okay.

Too much.

Oh, hey, come on in.

Can we get you a Fanta?

Do you want a Fanta?

Fanta, Fanta?

Don't you want to?

Orange and Blue.

Sorry, guys.

Sorry.

A coconut

fell out of a tree and hit me in the head right before this meeting.

Who are you?

Where were you?

Oh, no, James.

We have that coconut tree in the lobby.

Please don't call me James in front of company.

Sorry, John.

Is your name not James?

I don't know who you got.

Never you mind.

Okay, sorry.

I don't know who either of you are.

What am I doing?

Well, my name's Brenda Balloon, and he's

well, he'll tell you.

My name is John Jumping Jack, friend of balloon and John Jumping Jack.

And I know you, you're my best friend.

No, we've never met you.

You're here to pitch to us.

We thought you had the idea to spend time.

We are television exactly.

You play baseball?

No, idiot.

Oh, no.

Why is his whole memory gone?

You know what?

Get out of here.

No.

I know I'm supposed to be here.

Kick rocks.

Kick

rocks.

Am I a big talented television writer?

No.

that a tough one?

Not so far.

Nope.

Well, look, I could come up with something.

I've forgotten my real picture.

Sure, sure.

You have one minute to come up with it.

You have one minute.

Okay.

You have one minute to say the whole thing, not to come up with it.

I'm not going to sit here for a full minute while you come up with it.

That's a good save.

Yes.

You have one minute to impress us.

One minute.

Okay.

Here's a television show I just came up with.

It's called For Least.

For Least.

For Least?

Is that F-O-U-R?

Yeah, it is.

And least is L-E-A-S-E-D.

For least.

Yep.

And it's all about four properties each on a corner of an intersection.

And they're all across the street from each other.

Jump in jacks.

I'm interested.

Properties are very popular right now.

Properties are so.

A lot of people are trying to buy and live in them.

I'm interested too, balloons.

Okay.

Can I tell you, they're not anthropomorphic.

They're not houses that talk.

People actually live inside.

They're getting less interested.

Okay, but they can talk.

Okay.

They just don't talk for the first episode.

Okay.

They start talking in the second episode.

I do.

And it's a big surprise to the characters.

But that's how we hook the people.

But they've already bought the house and

they're not.

They don't buy them.

That's the thing.

They're leasing them.

And we hook the people by having the houses not talk.

They're leasing and they go normal place.

And then it starts talking and they go, oh, no, now I live here.

Now I'm going to turn this off.

Okay.

Oh, is that about me?

No, no, no, no.

I'm saying what the audience is going to say.

So the audience is just

going to say, now we're going to turn this off.

And they

surprised me.

And they leaned forward and they turned a dial on an old TV.

It makes them turn the dial off on their TV.

They installed a dial just in case this would ever happen.

Oh, okay.

So it does get people to install dials.

Well, we've been trying to figure out how to get that because we have a partnership with dial soap.

Oh, good, good, good, good, good.

You wouldn't understand.

We found a truck full of dials.

I don't know what dial soap is because I have amnesia.

You don't know what soap is?

You have to be one stinky, forgetful man.

We'll have our assistant teach you about on the way out.

Oh, really?

Yes.

You want me to take a bath with him?

Yes.

Yes.

Okay.

Why don't you sign this release?

And you'll never tell anyone.

You're allowed to put it on threads.

In any case, all these people, they live in these houses and then they

and they decide that they don't like, all of them don't like the houses that they're leasing, leasing, so they switch houses.

They all go clockwise, except for one person who heard it as counterclockwise, because the sentence was, hey, go put this on the counter.

Clockwise is the way we're going to go.

And they only heard counterclockwise.

And so they

was happening to lead to that misunderstanding.

Well, someone needed to know where to put all the paperwork in order to switch the houses.

Was this person late to the meeting where they were discussing this?

Yeah, I think they were really late.

I think what happened was they got hit in the head with a coconut and they forgot that.

Okay, I think he did.

Right now, you know, right now you know.

I think his minute is,

but I am hooked.

Well,

does it have a theme song?

We're trying to bring back theme songs.

Yeah, hold on a second.

Just to sum up the premise.

Sure.

It's four houses that are nearby each other.

They're all on a corner of the same internet.

They're all being leased by separate people.

And then these people decide to switch houses.

They switch houses.

In the second episode, the houses start talking.

And then everyone turns it off.

One person is going the wrong way.

Yes.

And that's where the conflict comes in in the first episode.

Then the rest of the whole series, which I'm guessing is like 15 seasons probably,

is all about the houses not liking that people are inside them.

In the pilot, how soon do they get to the house switching?

It's probably in the last, it's probably about four hours and 55 minutes in, probably.

How long is each episode?

Oh, they're all like 12 hours.

Wait, that's so long.

That's really long.

Yeah.

But the dial gets turned off how early?

The dial, they turned it off second episode probably 11 hours.

How long gets into the entire

12-hour episode?

Yeah.

Pilot.

Yeah, you got that.

And then how soon?

Into the second one?

About 11 hours into the second one.

The houses start talking.

They go that far.

Oh, and as soon as the houses start talking, in the 11th hour of the 12 hours,

they immediately turn it off.

Turn the dial.

But you got them for 23 hours at that point.

The only thing that's going to sell me on this, because I got to say,

I'm very off board.

Off board.

I hate this.

I hate it.

But

if there's a theme song that's catchy enough,

I could be persuaded.

And I'm definitely not coming up with this one.

This is the one thing I remember.

So it made sense with everything you already said.

This is the one thing that kind of escaped my amnesia.

I knew I already wrote this song before I came in here.

Okay.

Yeah, here it is.

For

least, how many one lease.

How many people?

Two lease.

How many people?

Three leases.

No, that's not enough.

You need four.

Hey, what is this?

A golf course.

Why are you saying four?

No, no, it's not spelled like that.

It's F-O-U.

You thought I was going to say F-U?

No, I'm just saying F-O-U.

R.

Four, four boys.

Please, naughty, naughty boy.

Don't think I'm saying

something that I'm pointing at me.

Don't think, dis, dis, disc, you, naughty, naughty man.

Come here for a spanking.

Please ask me.

Jump and jack.

Taking my hand.

How?

Stop that.

Four leases.

He made you spank him.

Sold.

Great.

Great.

How it's done.

All right.

We're going to do it again.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

Who's who?

I'll pitch.

Okay.

You come up with the title.

Okay.

Of the first.

Of a recent show.

Mm-hmm.

All right.

Here's a recent show.

Beef.

Okay.

Anyway, I said, I'm not staying here one more second, but I lied.

I stayed there for four days.

Four days?

That's so many seconds.

It's so many seconds.

And they made me count them at the end, and I wet my pants.

I got so scared.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Why are you still wearing the pants?

I feel like they're lucky now.

Do you hear that?

Excuse me.

Oh, my gosh.

Look at you.

Hello.

Well, hello.

Hey, dear.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Am I interrupting?

I thought I was here for my pitch.

No, you are.

And well, you were interrupting, but yes, you are here for your pitch.

We don't sit here silently while we wait for people to pitch us.

That would be weird.

Yeah, we have conversations and then we're not statues.

Yeah.

Okay.

Hello.

Is your show about statues?

No.

What's your name, dear?

My name is Namalie Namalu.

Namali Namalu.

Forgive an impertinent question.

How old are you?

My age?

A lady never tells.

I thought so.

You seem young, though, or really old.

I can't quite tell, Namali.

Where are you from?

Are you 29 or 80?

Yes.

You've been both of those?

Where am I from?

Where are you from, dear?

Tallahassee, Florida is where I call home.

I have been all over the country.

I like to go roam.

But I miss my family and I will always know that Tallahassee, Florida is where I will be home.

Yeah.

I'm the little lumdid lie.

I'm the little lumbdille.

I'm 49.

Oh my gosh, you answered.

Wow.

That's a great age.

Wait a minute, your age.

So your name is Namelie.

You're 49.

You're from Tallahassee, Florida.

I am, and I have the best idea for a show.

It's going to knock nut for you.

You have a bus idea?

I have the best idea to bus up your ass and knock your socks off.

And you'll be bussing.

I'd love to be bussing.

I'd love to be bussing.

I busted the other day, I believe, or I was bussing.

You were bussing?

I was bussing, I think, the other day, so I really wanted to replicate that.

What is your show, honey?

I'm really looking forward to cracking up.

I haven't cracked up.

Oh, my God.

I really want a funny show.

Should I say it's a comedy?

No, I'm just telling you my wishes.

Please, if wishes were dishes, we'd have a full set

of china.

China.

Chada.

Go ahead.

It's a great impression.

You should be on SNL.

Go ahead.

SNL.

Go ahead, dear.

Go ahead, dear.

Is that Mrs.

Doubtfire?

You're fucking cracking me up today.

You love this.

This show is called

Thick Stack of Paper.

Thick stack of paper.

Well, that's the opposite of beef.

I've always said it, a thick stack of paper is.

If you were to bite into it, that's nothing like beef.

I'm intrigued by this title, Thick Stack.

Thick Stack of Paper.

What could this possibly be about?

Is this the MacGuffin?

Is this the Inciting Incident?

MacGuffin, remember?

No.

Thick Stack of Paper is a show about two office workers.

They have a crush on each other, but so will they, won't they?

Okay, what kind of office is it?

It's a paper company.

Interesting.

This is interesting.

Okay, I like this.

This sounds like it could be very popular.

Not so much at the time, but in Hindsight.

Twice and in many countries.

Yeah.

Oh, great.

I'm glad you like it.

There's a bumbling boss.

A BB.

It's good to have him.

Call him a BB.

Does he have a BBL?

He has a BBL that's installed in the first episode.

Great.

So this is sort of...

Do we watch the procedure?

The first episode is an episode of Botched.

Oh, okay.

Where we see his BBL go awry.

Wait, the detective in Los Angeles?

Yeah.

Botched.

Botched legacy?

Yeah.

And then

the first episode, we see that he's getting botched and the people who have crushes on each other are just starting their first day at the paper company.

Wow.

And

we see that, um,

so basically at one point, 20 episodes in,

there's a lion

that's

a lion that's let loose in the paper factory.

Let loose by whom, dear?

The Ringling Brothers.

Those Ring brothers, Barnum and Bailey themselves?

Yes.

And so the people who have crushed.

Hold on one second, Emily.

Are you under the oppression?

I'm Marma Bailey.

She is not under the ball.

Are they wrong?

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Just wanted to clear that up.

I just don't want to shatter her delusions.

I don't want to break her heart.

Yes.

Sorry, I'm about to cry.

I just

want to see you.

What are you going through, honey?

I'm going through a breakup.

Oh, no.

Fuel it into your writing, dear.

You're right.

In my show.

Were you together long?

Yeah, seven months.

The crush.

You're 49 years old.

The crush.

The woman gets upset because the man breaks her heart and she takes a gun and she runs to his house and she shoots his mailbox over.

She shoots over.

And she opens the mailbox and inside were a bunch of cards from his new wife who's on vacation.

And she sees these cards and she starts to put together that his birthday's coming up.

And she's

decided that this was the only clue as to whether she's opened up someone else.

She's got to get him a birthday card, but then she gets arrested for opening mail.

Oh, the old Elliott Ness trick.

Yeah.

That's right.

She's arrested for opening mail, and she's put in jail, but she's put in with, and it's all women.

And she's kind of like a, she can't believe she kind of got put in jail because she's kind of like low-key as a person.

She doesn't really do anything that bad.

Is there a funny guard?

Oh, there's like funny guards.

And then there's like a bunch of inmates who are like funny, but it's also dramatic.

Yeah.

And she has sex with some of them and has like a relationship, but she still likes her guy.

Does the guard disappear after a couple of seasons and no one knows why?

Well, no, the guard gets fired in an episode.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Right, right, right.

It's on screen.

The explanation of what happens to that guard.

Right.

But yeah, so a lot of stuff like that happens, and eventually she gets out and writes a book about it.

And it's called Thick Stack of Paper, which is what we call books where I'm from.

What happened to Tallahassee, Florida?

What happened to the boss with the BBL?

Oh,

he got sepsis from the surgery.

He dies in the first episode.

Wow, I loved that character.

And will they, won't they, people?

They won't.

Could we do a Juliana Margulies and maybe have her survive?

Have the boss survive?

The boss is a man.

The boss is a man.

Could he survive?

Yes.

After the first episode.

What do you mean do a Juliana Margulies?

Well, she, of course, in the pilot of ER,

attempted suicide and

was going to die.

And they thought her on-screen chem with George Cooney was so good, they brought her back.

Really?

That was a close one.

Yeah.

She almost missed out on years and years of work.

Yeah, six, in fact.

Well, I just want to say thank you for this opportunity.

I don't want to sell it to you, actually.

I think it's too good.

What?

Well, it's kind of an idea that does this change your mind.

A frisbee?

Ow

in your face?

Oh, I don't think it slowly hit my face.

Please let us at least hear the theme song before you get rich somewhere else.

Oh, okay.

Here you go.

Don't record this.

Don't worry about it.

I'm pointing my phone at you, but I'm definitely not recording.

I'm not filming.

Those are the thick reams of paper that are coming out.

They're coming out of the printer, going into your mouth.

They're going out of the printer, going into your head.

They're going out of the printer, going into your bed.

Thick stacks of paper make up a mattress.

If your wife bends over, she's going to be less of a lady because she's going to get boinked in the butt.

That's what happens when when you got this thickness

of paper, paper, paper, paper, paper, paper, paper, paper, paper, paper, paper, paper, paper, paper, paper, paper, paper, paper, paper, paper, pape.

That's what happens when the paper runs out.

That's what happens when the paper runs out.

Murder, murder, what?

Murder, murder.

That's what will happen in season 20.

Wow.

Wow.

Thank you for that.

I can't wait till season 20.

I understand you have to take this elsewhere, but you have blessed us in this office today.

I don't want you to have this.

Understandable.

I just acknowledge this.

I wouldn't want us to have it.

Jesus.

We would just fumble it.

I just don't want you to have this.

I think you'd fumble the ball.

You're better off not leaving it with us because we would destroy it.

Great.

Through incompetence.

Thank you so much.

And I never got your names.

Oh, we don't have any.

No.

What?

We're not really here.

What?

You're all in your your head?

You're delirious.

Hey, my math's wearing off.

Daddy, mommy?

Did you do your math?

Yeah.

Did it wear off?

Yeah.

I'm mommy, by the way.

I am.

I'm mommy as well.

Two mommies.

That's not weird.

No, I know.

It's normal.

It's not weird, Heather.

I know.

My name's Namily Namalie.

Are you still on math?

And that's how we play.

And that's how we play.

Switch it, pitch it.

Pitch it.

We're going to have to go.

This is the end of the episode.

We always close it on the rule of two.

Yep.

Anything to promote, guys?

Yeah, man.

Come see Variatopia Sunday,

September 21st at Lodge Room or stream it from wheresoever ye may be.

And Lauren, you had a show and you moved.

We moved the date.

So check the Instagram for that because the date is moved.

And it's not even, you know, we don't need to get into it.

I don't know if the ticket's tickets are gonna be available that we're but the show that you have been promoting I have been talking about it a lot is now moved

and I have nothing

ever

cheers

we'll see you next time we love you we love you bye

Hey, it's Lena Waith.

Legacy Talk is my love letter to black storytellers, artists who've changed the game and paved the way for so many of us.

This season, I'm sitting down with icons like Belicia Rashad, Loretta Devine, Ava DuVernay, and more.

We're talking about their journeys, their creative process, and the legacies they're building every single day.

Come be a part of the conversation.

Season two drops July 29th.

Listen to Legacy Talk wherever you get your podcast or watch us on YouTube.

Our healthcare system is broken in so many ways.

We have a healthcare system that's supposed to be taking care of people that is making it literally more difficult for people to put food on the table.

So, this season, we'll dive into the challenges headfirst while also thinking about how we can find a better way because we all deserve better.

Uncared for Season 3 from Lemonada Media, available August 6th, wherever you get your podcasts.