Threevisiting: Balling My Eyes Out

Hello people, let me tell you about the online cannabis company that's revolutionizing how we deal with life's challenges.

From sleepless nights to stress-filled days, Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns with 100%

federally legal THC blends.

They deliver them discreetly, in case you're surrounded by squares, right to your doorstep.

And you can get 20% off your first order at mood.com with promo code FREEDOM.

I've tried a bunch of their gummies myself.

And I got to tell you, it's wild how different each one feels.

Their sleepy time gummies knock me out in about 15 minutes flat.

No hangovers, no grogginess.

I wake up feeling amazing.

And they're epic euphoria gummies.

They're perfect for those days and nights when nothing's going right and you just need to hit the reset button on your frankly crap mood

What makes these different is how they paired THC and other cannabinoids with herbs and adaptogens You're not just going to find gummies like this in a dispensary or anywhere for that matter

And they have gummies for literally everything immune support menopause relief PMS symptoms mental clarity

sexual arousal and each one is crafted using federally legal cannabis grown on small, family-owned American farms.

No pesticides, no BS.

You can look up what that stands for.

And they can ship to most states in the U.S.

Best of all, not only does mood stand behind everything with an industry-leading 100, I'm assuming everything they make, with an industry-leading 100-day satisfaction guarantee.

But as I think you'll recall, I mentioned my listeners, Paul of Tompkins' listeners, get 20% off their first order with code Threedom.

So here's what I'd like you to do for yourself, not for me.

Head to mood.com, browse their amazing selection of functional gummies, and find the perfect gummy for whatever you're dealing with.

And remember to use promo code Threedom at checkout to save 20% on your first order.

I'll see you in your dreams.

The longevity industry is booming.

Everywhere you turn, you're being sold some supplement or superfood to extend your life.

But what if I told you that the real secrets to living a longer, happier life are much simpler?

And they're things that you can start doing today.

I'm Dan Buettner, journalist and founder of the Blue Zones.

In my new podcast, I sit down with extraordinary people to uncover surprising secrets to living longer, better.

Listen to the Dan Buetner podcast wherever you get your podcast.

The first two episodes premiere on Thursday, August 21st.

Freedom!

Freedom!

Freedom!

Freedom is the show, and that's where you go when you want to hear freedom on the show.

My name's Lauren.

My name's Scott.

My name's Paul.

And we're Freedom, and we're here to tell you stories about our lives where people stop being polite and start getting real.

That's right.

We're called Real Dom, and this is where everyone stops being nice to each other and they start saying rude.

This is Basketball Wives, and we play basketball, and then we marry each other.

Yes, Queen.

Yes, Queen.

Tessa.

Hold on a second.

I need the smelling salts for Lauren.

Wake up.

Where am I?

Have you ever smelled smelling salts?

Yeah.

No.

I told you in my recent, recent-ish operation, they had to get them out for me.

That's right.

Because you wouldn't wake up

because they feared I was about to faint.

You hit the snooze alarm on your operation.

What happened?

Can you tell us or no?

You almost fainted on a seat?

I talked about it in a previous episode.

So go back and listen.

You'll enjoy it.

Yes, with you.

I think that's it.

And you didn't care then.

Oh, my God.

I care now, is what I'm trying to tell you.

Well, she can't keep telling this story.

No,

it's the right day.

I've told you, you have to give her time to care.

Because she's not.

I also didn't care then, and I care now.

Maybe I cared then.

I just don't remember.

Yeah, that's okay.

I don't remember every detail of your life.

I remember caring.

Who are you married to again?

Exactly.

Yeah.

Wait, smelling salts, something else.

Shit.

What was it?

Kulop overheard it and was like, you got to get the smelling salts.

She screamed.

Did she say that?

No, she heard them.

She heard them saying it was saying it rushing from the other room where she was having her own procedure.

They call them smelling salts.

Actually, it's making me wonder if I ever would have smelled smelling salts.

Something science-y.

Science!

Go and get them maldehyde

or something.

That would put me out, I think.

No,

it's fake.

Maldehyde.

Maldehyde.

Yeah, just call it Maldehyde.

Call it Salmahide.

He needs the Salmohayak.

Get Salmohayak.

He'll wake up then.

Give Dowdy.

Yeah, because smelling salts reminds me of like Downton Abbey shit.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

But then they snap it.

They go, like, say, snap it open.

And then I remember being like, okay,

like amyl nitrate?

I think they like snap it open like it's it releases it and then it releases the smell and then I was like

I was like yeah yeah okay okay okay get that away from me get it away from me but that's that's but it stinks Yeah, it stinks.

It smells sweet.

What does it stink like?

Why can't they make it smell nice?

I know.

Oh, lavender.

Oh, this is.

No, it's cotton candy.

I'm Getty.

Cotton candy.

But I am Getty Lee.

Oh, hi.

Welcome.

Yeah, from Rush.

Cotton candy jelly bellies are some of the best there are.

Is that true?

Best to ever do it.

What about cotton candy grapes?

I don't like those.

I've never had those.

Cotton candies.

They're really shocking to me, cotton candy grapes.

Do you think that they should give them to raccoons to make up for when the raccoon tried to wash the cotton candy and it disappeared?

I do think that.

Thank you.

I've never seen that.

It sounds funny.

You've never seen it?

It's really funny.

It sounds like an instant classic.

Because the raccoons have to wash their little foods before they eat them.

Why?

Because they're civilized, dear darling.

They have little hands.

If it has hands, it likes to wash its food.

And so

this guy's washing.

I have hands.

Can you wash me, Greg?

What's that from?

Meet the parents, darling.

Oh, yeah.

I watched that fairly recently.

Watched it recently.

Your face.

I watched it within the last six months, and it was really funny.

They give this raccoon some cotton candy.

He goes to watch it.

Of course, it all dissolves.

And he's so fucking confused.

Like,

I got this.

Yeah.

That's sad to me.

I washed it away.

I wonder if every food should dissolve.

I wonder if that's a tum tum.

Sure.

That's true.

Well, have you thought about that?

You have acid in your body?

Yeah, I don't like it.

I don't think about it.

Like, what if it gets out?

Stomach acid?

Well, that's when you go barfy and it's gross.

Yeah.

What's the first thing you remember barfing?

Like where you're like,

that's not vomit.

That's something I ate recently.

A roll of pennies?

Recently?

No, no, I just mean the first thing.

Recently, piece and leaves?

It was always barfed to me until one day.

It's just barfed to me.

It was always barfed to me.

It was always just

a generic barf.

Yeah.

Store brand barf.

And then you were like, oh, that's from when I ate that peas and carrot soup.

No,

I remember getting really sick and coming back from school and talking about the school nurses going like, I need to go home.

I feel sick.

And then barfing on our front porch.

And it being the orange cinnamon rolls that I had had that morning.

Orange cinnamon rolls.

Well, I think you should have barfed them.

It sounds toxic.

Those are good.

What do you mean, orange cinnamon rolls?

You know, like the orange, they have orange frosting instead of the...

I do not know these.

Oh, they're delicious, but they're a 70s household classic.

Does it taste like a broader case?

Is it like a previously wrapped pillsburg?

Yeah, yeah, it's in the can.

Yeah, previously owned.

Oh, it's in a can.

It's like Pillsbury dough.

So it's like Pillsbury.

So then you make them and then

you put them in the oven and then they give you the end of the roll is this orange frosting.

And then you put the orange on them.

It's just like Pillsbury.

Yeah, you put the orange on them, and they're delicious.

Oh, yum.

When we see a big fat baby,

I love when Janie says punch her in the arm.

What?

Punch baby.

When you see, what is a sluggabug?

Punch.

Oh, yeah.

It's in the car.

If we're in the car, we see fat babies.

When Jane, this always makes me, it delights me when Janie will say,

like, his arms look like grands, like Pillsbury Grands.

Oh, yeah.

When a fat baby has just like all those rolls, it's so good.

So cute.

It's so good.

When you have the

wrist roll, where you have the big line.

They have a bracelet.

You wish they never grew up and just kept the,

or you wish they got bigger, but then have the baby body.

I wish they were six feet, but they were like a baby.

Baby, wow.

I wish everyone was scary for baby.

I'm picturing it, and it's really scary because the baby doesn't thin out.

I'd like it, but it's like remained the same.

And then my body would fit in oh

what lauren your body would fit in with other baby bodies yeah

i get it we're okay

i'm awake and i'm good i'm just my eyes are closing good and i'm falling asleep i'm awake i'm good my eyes are closing and i'm drifting off

this is up it's just my eyes are tired oh your poor darn eyes i'll never believe that

lauren if you fell asleep in the middle of a show It would feel so good.

I would love to fall asleep right now.

I really would.

I'm tired.

Well, like the list.

When did you wake up?

I woke up at 6:30.

When did we get your Wordle?

7.

7.05.

That's how we keep tabs on each one.

By the way, there are probably four people in our text who have never done a Wordle.

Who must, I think of them now every single time we do and like waking up going, this fucking mutton, why am I getting like if they muted us?

Well, you know what sucks about muting on your phone?

You can mute, like, do not disturb on that

thread.

However, it still tells you you have a message, and that's seems well to me.

I don't think it should say,

I don't think it should either.

I hope that they get them and go, God bless these guys, they're still doing it.

I love them, or they go, well, they're all alive.

You know,

in a way, we don't know if these people are alive.

It's proof of lying.

But I do feel like we should probably stop it soon.

You're the one who started it.

No, I know that.

I remind you.

But here's what I'm thinking.

Because John.

Laura started it by saying, let's all do this and compete with each other.

Yes.

And in a way, it was great to keep.

Oh, it was fun for a while.

And I still like it.

I still,

I don't dislike it, but here's what I would think.

Tall John said when he got all, he didn't get it right.

He got X out of six.

He said he was going to quit.

That's right.

And then he didn't quit.

That's right.

Because we were.

Because I sort of think whoever, every time one of us doesn't get it, you have to stop sending it.

Keep playing.

We have to stop sending it.

And then eventually it'll die away.

It'll go down.

But do you like that everyone sends it?

Yeah, I do.

I don't dislike that everyone sends it.

I'm just, I'm ready for it to wind down.

Yeah, if it stopped, I'm ready.

I'm ready for life to wind down soon.

Okay.

That's upsetting.

Did you smell with it?

Another 30 years or so?

You want like a 30-year wind down?

Yeah, just wind.

Just slow down.

How do you feel about aging?

Like, how long would you like to live?

Do you feel like there's a cutoff where it's like that I don't want to live that long?

I was talking to my mom about this the other day, and she said that someone.

I was talking to your mom, too.

Oh, shit.

She said someone at her church said after 80, it's just basically game over.

Like, it's all downhill.

I don't believe that.

I don't believe that's the same.

Not for everyone.

Exactly.

I don't believe it's the same for everyone.

I mean, look at William Shatner.

Who?

Space, the planet.

Okay.

Like, there's a lot of people who have a lot of energy past that point.

Yeah, like, like,

he was doing shit your dad says at like 82 or something like that, you know, and he's still kicking around in 90 or whatever.

It's like, I'm sure it's fine for some people, but I think people of also of my parents' generation,

you know, I think I told you that my dad had an over-the-hill party at 40.

Yeah.

And where it was like, here's, here's, you know, your cane, old man, and stuff like that.

But it truly was like.

A lot of people that they knew, you know, died at 45 or at 50.

Really?

Yeah.

So,

so anyway.

I remember like having a heart attack at 50 seemed like a very common thing.

Yeah, it was like, yeah,

it was a thing thing that was going to happen.

But look, here's the other thing.

I've been watching a lot of old movies recently.

Everyone smokes in that.

Oh, yeah.

And so it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The more you see that, the more you go like, oh, of course, everyone was having a heart attack at 50.

They're all killing themselves and each other.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I feel like it is a quality of life thing

where

if I'm, if I'm still, look, I want to live as long as I can.

If I'm still doing good, you know what I mean?

I want to live as long as I can.

Yeah.

I don't feel like it's, it's wild to me

the idea, although I know it is for some people to get to that point.

Like my mother went into hospice care before she died.

That was her decision.

Like she went off of dialysis because of other issues that she had.

And the doctor was like, if you keep doing this, your quality of life is going to get worse and worse.

Or you could do this and let nature take its course.

And she did it.

And like, and I may have, I feel like now I've talked about this on here before.

I don't remember.

I still do.

But the idea of being able to say like, I've lived enough life.

Like, that's, I can, I can let go.

Because where I am in life right now is like clawing, like, please let me go.

Yeah, I know, yeah.

It seems like something that I don't know that I'd be able to accept.

Like, oh no, this has been good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But then I guess if you do live long enough, if you make it to your 80s or whatever, you will be a better judge of what constitutes a life lived.

Yeah.

Well, as my father said, someone said to him, like,

something like, oh, it's 70.

It's all kind of over or whatever.

and he's like

yeah i'll talk to you when you're 70 you know yeah it's like it doesn't really feel that way yeah everyone just wants as much time as possible

much younger inside yeah it's so true what a cruel trick that fate plays on it really is horrible i lately i've been thinking about it a lot where just see someone walking down the street oh they're gonna die

I'm not really happy about it.

It's like my brain's been doing that a lot lately, where I'm just going like, oh, and that person has a whole life and then that's going to end or something.

It's like, I'm just like, oh, God.

It is.

I'm just beginning to feel the thing of

feeling younger inside than my body is.

Like the last time we did a show and there was a scene where you died and you just collapsed on the floor.

Yeah.

And then I, then later.

there was a mirroring of that where I should have collapsed on the floor and you just sat down very gingerly.

It's like, ooh, geez.

But there was a time for sure where I was like, oh oh, yeah, I'll just fall down.

No problem.

I mean, I was thinking about that with our tour that has ended by the time we did this.

And who knows how it went.

But everyone broke their foot.

But the first time, the first one was 10 years ago.

And I like think about the energy we had.

I can't believe it was that long ago.

Yeah.

Well, I don't think you were on the one 10 years ago.

10 years ago?

Although you did the Philadelphia show.

Yeah, that was fun.

2012.

Yeah, 2012.

Who was the main cast?

I think James Domian went on us the whole time.

And I think, well, I know Kurt

Browner did the opening set all the time and occasionally did the show.

I did more than just that one show.

Because I remember we were in San Francisco

with James.

Yeah.

Oh, and

that was the Birthday Boys one.

The Birthday Boys.

That was the second tour.

You were on the whole second tour.

I was on the whole second tour.

The first one, I think you were too busy to do.

And the second one was when I was in.

Or no.

The second one was the one I was in, or no?

No, no.

I I think you were in the third or fourth.

The third one, yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway, it was a lot of fun.

And but, you know, you back to Martin Short and Steve Martin, they're they're up there and still doing it, but can they do it every night in a row?

I don't know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think you guys will be great on this.

It's going to be okay.

I mean, I'm not going to drink.

Nut 70s.

Exactly.

I mean, that's a whole different thing.

I'm going to try to maintain a very strict regimen of diet and no alcohol while we're on the tour.

Damn, no alcohol.

Like zero?

Lauren, I know that's hard for you to hear because you'd love to party.

I go crazy for this stuff.

But I do feel like at the end of, you know, in the middle of the tour, it's kind of nice to get a drink every once in a while.

You might go back on that.

I might, but I don't want to.

I mean, I respect your opinion.

Because I know how much it can affect my energy.

Most of our stuff.

True, like the next day you feel like shit.

Yeah.

It's weird talking about this before we do it, and yet

this will come out after it's already been done or disasters happened on it.

Or

like we quit in the middle after

Hobiron Kenobi becomes a huge star unless you both get COVID which I hope you don't I don't want to get COVID I doubt either of us will but that's another thing is like I know it affects my energy level yeah even if I have like two glasses of wine yeah it'll be like the next day I'll feel it yeah and I have to drive every day I also don't want to let my

driving now you you always drive because you save for insurance right no I just feel responsible for everybody I would feel I don't know I just feel like if if there's going to to be a horrible accident, I should be

wondering that you all sue.

I think that's nice.

I think it's like, but I feel bad that you do all the driving.

I'm sure it's fine.

We'll see how I feel.

Well, not with this ding on foot.

You might need someone else to do that.

Dang on foot!

Ding on foot!

Hopefully, this comes off tomorrow, and guys, everything's all good.

But I mean, even still, you don't want to overwork it by moving that ankle a lot.

Yeah, gas, brakes, gas, brake.

Oh, darling, why not both?

The last time I broke for gas, I farted in his face.

But I don't know.

It'll be fine.

But yeah,

aging stuff.

If you could stop aging at what age would you like physically?

Because some physical.

You know how when you look at, like, you, you feel old when you're 18, but then you look so young.

You look so young.

Like, but what's the perfect age where you're like, that should be the cutoff?

Like, where do you get it?

I don't think you know until you've passed it.

Exactly.

Honestly, if I, from this vantage point, I would say 40.

I think 40 is a great age.

Yeah.

I think it's a great age.

28.

27, 25.

I don't know.

You're going lower and lower.

23.

Do I have any?

Three years old.

That's who you want to stay.

I'm eight years old.

I feel great.

Even though this comes out so much later, who gives a shit?

It doesn't matter.

Fuck it.

It's just past the point.

I was going to explain why I'm not on the tour.

Oh, why?

Well, because I'm doing a movie, but I'm saying everyone, I feel like people are going to, she had a baby, so she's not going to go do anything anymore.

And I don't, that's not how my life is.

I just want to say.

No, your lifestyle

informs your ideas.

I'm not saying I have a crazy life.

I'm just saying I would like to go on the tour.

Yeah.

Well, you were invited, dear.

I know when I'm doing a movie, dear.

Scott, I'm explaining for them so that they don't speculate.

Yeah, for the no speculation.

Everything's good.

Everything's all good between us.

It's literally shooting August 1 to September 1.

It's like the exact dates of this.

Yeah.

What are you doing for Labor Day?

Well, it's my birthday weekend.

Got to wear white pants.

I'll be wearing

white pants and going to funny girl.

Getting your periods.

I'm going to be in Chicago for my birthday.

I'm staying a few extra days after I'm done filming so that I can hang out with my family.

That's the dream.

Be in Chicago for your birthday.

To celebrate my B-day.

May you all be in Chicago on your birthday.

Yeah.

My fondest wish for you all to be in Chicago on your birthday after you finish filming.

Yeah.

Doesn't that sound great?

I can't wait to be at that point because I feel like that'll just feel great.

Do you think there will be any wind?

You know what?

Probably not.

It's usually pretty hot time of year.

Yeah.

Are you going to do a cameo on the bear season two?

If they ask me.

How's your yelling?

I'm really good at screaming about River Nort.

Nort?

River North.

That's where they are.

I really enjoyed that show.

Cool Epset said.

I've only watched the first episode.

I haven't seen the rest.

I'm sure I will have watched it, and I don't know.

Oh, why?

You shut it down.

I just didn't feel like I was, I was two drinks into the night.

I was like, I don't want to concentrate on this.

Sometimes you got got to just let it go you know two drinks into the night how many drinks do you have a night uh it was probably two but that makes me sleepy you know what's funny we may have talked about this before but I'm never in the mood to watch like a documentary yeah but if if Janie starts it then you'll get really interested because they're so compelling and you'll walk by and go like what is this piece of home

which is real uh oh I'm into it but I will Because I feel like at the end of the day, I want to,

I don't want to concentrate on something.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

I want something that's easy to just like let that happen.

That's what reality TV is for, to me, where you can just be on your phone and kind of picking up the beats of it.

We got Welcome to Plathville, is really taking off this season.

Well, we started watching Welcome to Plathville anyway.

Are you being paid by Welcome to Plathville?

Did I bring it up?

I feel like I've never talked about it.

No, it's just the way you LPBW I bring up a lot, but Welcome to Plathville.

It's like the bell jar, and they live in the novel The Bell Jar.

No, What is it?

Diving Bell and the Butterfly, where one person can only communicate while blinking.

That was a good movie.

It's basically these two parents who like.

I haven't had the courage to watch this again.

Oh, no, I never could see that again.

It's so great, though.

I was just bawling.

I know, but I ended up.

And blinking at my friend going, do you see I'm sad?

Wait, bawling is.

I'm spelling out I'm sad.

I hate when people misspell bawling and write B-A-L-I-M-G.

I'm bawling my eyes out.

I'm like, who the scooper?

That's really funny.

What are you doing?

You're fucking your own eyes.

Oh, no.

See, I thought it was like bawling my eyes out with like a cantaloupe baller.

Yeah.

Melon baller.

We have to take a break.

Okay.

H-back to school season.

School season, little boys and girls.

But you know what's not on the syllabus this year?

Tell me.

Getting schooled by your old wireless bill.

I agree.

That's why I made the switch to Mint Mobile.

Well, well, with Mint, you can get the coverage and speed you're used to, but for way less money.

And for a limited time, Mint Mobile is offering three months of unlimited premium wireless service for only $15 a month.

So while your friends are flunking out with data overages and surprise charges, you'll be aging your budget literally and financially.

So say bye-bye to your overpriced wireless plans.

Draw draw dropping, draw-dropping monthly bills and unexpected overages.

Mint Mobile is here to rescue you.

All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network.

Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all of your existing contacts.

Since switching to Mint, I have noticed no difference in the wireless service compared to my old provider.

And at a fraction of the cost, it is a no-brainer.

With all the money I'm saving, I can finally live out my fall fantasy of getting a pumpkin spice latte every single day.

Do I want whipped cream for 50 cents more?

Yes, please.

This one's on Mint.

Get out of here, you young whippersnapper.

So ditch overpriced wireless and get three months of unlimited service from Mint Mobile for 15 bucks a month.

Get this new customer offer and your three-month unlimited wireless plan for just $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash threedom.

That's mintmobile.com slash threedom.

Upfront payment of $45 required, equivalent to $15 a month.

Limited time new customer offer for first three months only.

Speeds may slow above 35 GB on unlimited plan.

Taxes and fees, extra.

See Mint Mobile for details.

NGB stands for gigabytes.

Cooler temps are rolling in.

Dude, dooda.

And as always, Quince is where I'm turning for false staples that actually last from cashmere to denim to boots.

I've seen you so furious.

I'm mad, but I'm getting happier.

The quality holds up and the price still blows me away.

Quince has the kind of fall staples you'll wear non-stop.

Like super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters starting at $60.

I got to ask you about their denim.

Okay, well, their denim's durable and it fits right.

What about leather jackets?

They are real and they bring that clean, classic edge without the elevated price tag.

Sounds good.

What makes Quince different?

Hey, everyone.

Oh, hey, well, they partner directly with ethical factories and skip the middlemen.

So you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands.

Can I hear some personal experience from you?

Because I'm still a little skeptical for some reason.

Well, one of my favorite pieces from Quince is their 100% Merino Wool All-Season Short-Sleeve Tea.

Now, I've been trying to incorporate more natural fibers into my wardrobe, as I'm telling you all the time.

And wool totally fits the bill.

It's naturally heat regulating so it helps keep you warm in winter, cool in summer.

The perfect thing for this in-between season.

Now I've been wearing mine so much I just ordered one in another color.

I want to keep it classic and cool this fall.

Do you have any suggestions?

You should do that with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com slash threedom for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns.

Now that's great.

How do you spell it?

I was gonna say

365 day returns is amazing because if you're like me, sometimes you forget to return something.

Yes, and you have to.

And when you miss the window, like 200 days in, you might be like, I got to return.

Honestly, I've done that before.

That's q-u-in-ce-e.com/slash threedom.

Free shipping and 365 days returns.

Quince.com/slash threedom.

Want to listen to your favorite Lemonada shows without the ads?

Subscribe to Lemonada Premium on Apple Podcasts.

You'll get ad-free episodes and exclusive bonus content from shows like Wiser Than Me with Julia Louis Dreyfus, Fail Better with David DeCovney, The Sarah Silverman podcast, and so many more.

It's a great way to support the work we do and treat yourself to a smoother, uninterrupted listening experience.

Just head to any Lemonada show feed on Apple Podcasts and hit subscribe.

Make life suck less with fewer ads with Lemonada Premium.

And we're back.

We're doing it.

We're dooming it.

We're doing it.

We're doing it well.

Will you wear a rubber?

Are you my lover?

Ew.

That's the lyric from doing it well.

Will you wear a rubber?

Are you my lover?

Do you remember

nerdy rappers?

Do you remember that book where the little duck walked around asking, Are you my lover?

Are you my lover?

Are you my lover?

What are you doing, Eber?

Will you please wear this rubber?

I like to move it, move it.

I like to move it.

I like to move it, move it.

All right, let's go.

Let's go to

hell with all of us.

No, let's go to

one of these voicemails.

Is it preacher time?

No, one of these.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

What the fuck are you trying to say, dude?

One of these voicemails.

Yes, please.

She's

please, Scott.

Okay.

Here we go.

Let's do it.

I don't know who this is.

Hi, Scott, Paul, and Lauren.

I am a long-time listener, and I am 22 years old.

I was born in 2000.

22 years old.

And I've just recently graduated university.

And I was wondering if you guys have any advice on how to make friends past university into your adult life.

Where should I be going?

Who should I be talking to?

Do you have any tips?

I would greatly appreciate them.

Hope you'll all have a great day.

Goodbye.

Well, nameless person,

mostly my tips are.

Next time introduce yourself.

Yeah.

If you're trying to help friends.

Yeah.

Number one.

It's hard to connect when I don't know what your name is.

Most of my advice is retroactive.

Drop out of college.

Get into show business.

Yeah.

Hang out with a bunch of adults.

Do improv.

Desperately try to fit in and be afraid that they're going to think you're not cool.

But here's the problem.

Most people's jobs, their work friends, are just so uncool.

Yeah.

Is that true?

Probably.

Like any authorities.

Well, it's probably all authors that you'll like them.

Well, I've had retail jobs where I liked a lot of the people that are.

Retails may be a little different.

Because you're all about the same.

Retail's pretty cool.

I don't know.

Like my waiting table jobs, unless it was in the middle of nowhere and and it was a bunch of old ladies and me, most of the time it was like young kids that you would maybe hang out with.

But if you're working in an office job, everyone around you sucks, right?

So

you got to figure out ways to get out there and meet people in other areas.

But I think the internet has made this so much easier that there are now like get-together kind of things that you can go.

Well, there is an app to make friends that someone I know was using.

It's like Tinder for Friends or something.

I like that that exists.

Like when I heard about that, I thought that was the street.

It's really nice nicest thing um i just would sweat

wrong and be like no thank you these turds yeah

i think i think that would i would i would not put that passing them i don't know out of your mind as an option using one of those apps because you can make a friend and that'd be kind of cool and then i feel like

it's tough because it's like if you have one friend maybe it's like if you have one friend you ask them to bring another friend when you hang out or something and then you kind of grow the group like sardines yeah yeah yeah oh sardines yeah also by the way you can, as a woman, you can go to a bar.

You're speaking as a woman.

So what are you going to tell me I can do?

You can go to a bar and meet a million people.

That is not true.

Yeah, go to a bar and read a book.

No one wants to do it.

And everyone will start talking to you.

Yeah, no one wants to do that.

Read a book.

I think you would maybe sign up for an activity.

Yeah, like trivia night or something like that.

Or like, but it's hard to go alone to things.

Like, I think of, do you like knitting or something?

Like, maybe there's something that's kind of a solo activity that you could take a class and meet meet people.

Yeah, I, there's, I feel like what's good about one of the things that is good about the internet is that it's easier to connect with people now than it ever has been.

You can find those sorts of places to go where there's going to be groups of like-minded people that you can at least you will have a

jumping-off point for a conversation.

Like, if it's like you all like the same TV show or you all like, you know, some kind of game or something.

I once went to a band alone.

And you mean a concert?

A concert.

Yeah.

And I started talking to someone because I thought I recognized them and

realized quickly that it wasn't the person I thought of, but we struck up a conversation.

It's that easy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So just think it's somebody else.

Because we both have the interest of this band.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, you know, it's a really hard thing, though, because I think so many of my friendships were just made from doing improv where I just naturally met people.

And

I was very lucky to have that because I always think when I moved to New York and I moved to LA and I had that as like a thing I was doing.

but an improv class if you don't think that sucks you might not if you listen to this you might think improv's fun you could take an improv class i've never been upset at someone who just starts a conversation though well i mean there well that's not true but yeah

somebody normal who's just someone normal who's just like you're chatting yeah yeah chatting with another alone person i also think the other thing is you have to say yes to a lot of opportunities like if you get invited to a party you have to go even if you don't like that like the movie yes man yeah you know because i would just not want to do that rent the movie yes man just watch that do what he's like hanging out with friends yeah Jim Carrey's a good friend.

A guy struck up a conversation with me on an airplane, which normally I would hate, but, and I did not like it when he started talking to me.

And then we had a great conversation.

And then did you keep in touch?

He gave me his card because I said, hey,

I was coming back from Portland and I said, I'm doing a show in, what's that?

Bridgetown.

No, it's not Bridgetown.

Oh, where's that?

It was.

Well, Portland is Bridgetown.

That's what I mean.

But I was doing a show with Mark Evan Jackson.

And then when I was flying back, this guy, we started talking.

And I was like, hey, I'm coming back here

with Comedy Bang Bang.

I'm going to do a show.

Give me your email, and I'll let you know when we're going to be there, and I'll put you on the list.

And are you going to do that?

Yeah, I am.

Oh, well, that's great.

I still have the card, yeah.

Also, have a baby and bring it to a park.

Or a dog.

Have a dog baby.

Well, it's interesting with

the baby baby.

Have a baby riding a dog.

Oh, why?

Are people constantly coming up to you and talking?

No, not at all.

No, no one's doing that.

I also think COVID plays a role with that, too.

But like, I think

having a baby's faces.

Now, maybe this for you, a person who's listening, I don't know anything about you.

Maybe you have a pet.

Maybe you have a dog.

But like getting together with someone who also has a baby is a thing where it's like you kind of make friends.

Like I'm making friends solely based on that fact.

Yeah.

And it's like, that's not something I do in my life to like seek out new people to hang out with and like make a plan and go to.

It's like, that's usually a lot of effort for me.

I was just, I like to just hang out.

it usually it seems like all the friends that i made in my life were like okay i graduated college and then i

were they were all work friends until i started doing comedy and then they became all comedy friends right so it's like if if the people at your job end up sucking which they probably will but maybe they won't you know maybe they won't

maybe this person's gonna work somewhere like relatively cool or something or like him like apple or you know like

something like the like be friends with elon musk where you might meet someone who's like-minded because you're both interested in the the same job and then you can hang out and go do something.

Yeah.

But then you have to ask people to hang out and that sucks and that's hard, but you have to do it.

It's true.

Like getting, that's why I think if you can, if you can get yourself into a situation where

there is something that you all have in common that draws you there, whether it's a trivia night or whatever, themed around something, then at least you have an icebreaker.

There's something you can definitely use to start a conversation.

If you have a job where there's five people who would go to a trivia game with you, invite all of them, even if you don't like them, And then two will be like, fuck this, and fuck you.

Yeah.

And then you'll weed them out.

If anyone says, fuck you, dude, they're not yours.

That's such a negative perception of people in offices.

Yeah, because maybe they're cool.

Did you ever work in an office?

Yeah.

I worked in the warehouse of one.

Where the warehouse?

A warehouse of one.

For example, Earwolf is an office and I've met many of them.

Yeah, and they're all there.

Yeah.

And they are friends with each other.

Maybe the problem is you.

Fuck that.

But basing friends around your common interests is really good because it gives you something to talk about, and then whenever there's like a thing that comes up that you can go do together, yes, where if it's music, it's like, hey, these people are playing, and you go do it.

If it's films, it's like, oh, this movie's playing somewhere, and you can go do that.

If it's

some sort of athletic activity, it's like, hey, on this weekend, even if it's just hiking, like, hey, do you want to go on a hike this weekend?

I need some more exercise.

Like, it's that easy to say that to someone that you kind of enjoy.

Now, did I ask someone if they wanted to go hang out with me once that

I thought was a work friend that could transition into real friend?

Yeah.

And he shut me down immediately.

Wow, what did he say?

We're work friends?

He was just like, no, I don't think so.

Wow.

Pretty honest.

And

you know what?

I phased that person out of my life because I don't need that kind of shit.

It sounded like they phased you out immediately.

They said, we're not friends.

We're not friends like that.

You want to hang out sometime?

No.

I'm going to phase you out.

I'm going to slowly but surely make make it so that we don't ever hang out.

You won't even realize it's happening.

And that was Matthew McConaughey.

All right.

Do we want to hear another one?

I do.

All right.

Here we go.

Anyway, hope you guys.

Hi, three of them.

My name's Jordan, longtime listener.

I just wanted to know what each of your first concerts were that you went to

and how that affected your ongoing concert experiences.

I always think it's interesting

learning what people's first concerts are.

Oh, dude.

Oh, yeah.

Have a good day.

Bye.

Who is that?

Amber?

Jordan.

Amber?

Amber alert.

Jordan's on the phone.

What about that fucking loud ass elderly lady?

Sylvia alert.

Sylvia alert.

Jesus Christ.

It's so sad.

Just text me.

I don't know if you have the big blaring noise.

Text me.

You didn't get it?

I don't know if I have it turned off.

I had it turned off.

What was your first concert, Lauren?

It's,

i don't i don't want to offend the band but i don't stand by it

um dispatch do you remember that band yeah it was kind of general yes

1-800 general now that's what they sing yeah um

then they used it for the commercial but i my friend was really into it and so we went i didn't know the songs as well as other people did which is why i feel like it's a tough first one because i wasn't like fully inducted

but it was was it fun to go but i had a lot of fun and i bought a shirt and i wore the shirt all the time and were you like you know, they were good.

Of course, we had a great time.

And

in high school, I went to a lot of concerts.

I was like, once that, once that broke the seal of that, I had a lot of fun doing that.

Got to be that S.

I had a lot of fun doing that.

Mine was

a lot of fun.

It feels

in my teenage years going to these musical experiences.

I did.

I did used to enjoy such things.

My first concert was Squeeze.

Pulling Methods.

That's a good one.

Yeah.

That's going on.

That's great.

Who did they play with?

Who was support?

I don't remember who support was,

but it was really,

it was really fun.

Support.

Is that what you call an opening band?

I've never heard it called support.

That's in English.

Yeah.

Oh.

Who compared that show?

But it was great.

It was the

Hourglass.

That was your first, really.

That was 1988.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you, you.

I don't think I'd been to a concert before that.

No.

Interesting.

You were in 2020.

You You were like 20 or so.

I would have been coming up on 20, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

And I'll say this.

I

don't really like to go to big concerts.

I don't like to stand.

I'm a sit-down guy.

Yeah.

And when it's packed, well, I think that time has passed for me for sure.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I never liked it.

I never

did at a certain point.

We went to Lizzo maybe three years or so ago, back when people were still doing stuff.

And it was at the palladium and it was one of those things where it's like you need to stake out your territory and it's going to be so packed that essentially you're just going to be like rocking back and forth on your feet all night and it just tears me up it sucks nowadays i would much rather just be in the way way back oh yeah where i have a little room to move around when we went to see prince that time we were like way up in the nosebleeds and it was great yeah and like i he was very far away yeah he's tiny and so there's a screen there but still you just watched yeah as far away as he was You could not take your eyes off him.

That's cool.

Yeah, it was great.

But I, yeah.

I remember having a lot of fun seeing the strokes.

That was a fun one.

Which one?

The strokes.

That was a very fun one.

I remember going to see the Pogues

live, which is a band that I love, The Strogues.

That's the pronounced.

The Strokes cover band.

Where they do Stroges.

That would not be bad.

In the style of the Pogues.

And vice versa.

And then they switch it off, like American Buffalo style.

No, True West.

True West.

Although they did it with American Buffalo recently, I feel like, where everyone played the parts or something.

Really?

I feel like.

You mean this old play we were just reading?

Yeah, baby.

Yes.

But I did not realize that people moshed.

So I got there early.

I got like up front.

Oh, wow.

When the opening band started, and I like made my way and I was like, this was like kind of easy to get up here.

Oh, no, no.

And then when they came out,

everyone started going fucking crazy.

And I was like,

get me out of here.

I don't like it.

I used to go to Christian concerts, which I don't really count

because those were the only ones I was allowed to.

But I sort of like Steve Taylor.

I talked about him on my episode.

It's a good episode of Good Christian Fun.

But my first real official concert I count is Oingo Boingo in 1985 at the Pacific Amphitheater.

It might be on YouTube.

It was a good concert.

Halloween night.

Halloween night.

That's a fun thing to do on Halloween.

It was really true.

Fun.

And my friend and I love Halloween.

And we watched them.

Did they play the Penguins Ballad or whatever from Batman 2?

Yeah, which was weird because it hadn't come out for another four years.

It'd be fun to write music like that, wouldn't it?

It would be fun.

Let's do it.

And of course, I famously saw Billie Vera and the Beaters when I visited my sister in 1984.

That's right out here, here, right?

At a little Nacht club.

Yeah.

Is it still there?

I don't remember the club.

I wish I remembered the name of the club.

I wonder if my sister remembers.

But I wonder if it's a place that I've been to since.

On the strip?

Does she still live on the west coast?

She lives in Germany, the country.

Oh, you're living in

Germany.

She lives in München.

That's so cool.

Have you ever been there?

Not yet.

We went before the pandemic.

It was really cool.

I loved it.

Yeah, I would really like to go.

My dad said that was the most beautiful place he's ever seen.

You know, or Germany Germany in general.

Or Germany in general.

And I was like, are you high right now?

Was he?

Yeah.

Germany's cool.

Germany's most beautiful.

I mean, every time you see it in a movie, Germany's fucking ripped.

I mean, I am.

Every time you see it in a movie, it's black and white.

There's like wire everywhere.

People are shooting at each other.

What movies are you watching?

Bridge of Spotify movies.

Bitch, Eric Horbitch.

How mad must you have been if you were Gorbachev?

Because Because you can't go on

TV and say he's not going to clout.

No, I won't.

I was going to do it anyway,

you fucking asshole.

I'm not doing it because you said so.

I'm doing it because I want to do it.

Because what?

It was like three days later he did it?

I can't remember.

Was the timeline that close?

Feels like it.

It feels like he just got, he was doing it for clout.

Like Reagan was like.

He already knew he was going to do it.

Yeah, exactly.

He got intel like, hey, they're tearing down the wall.

That's three days.

That is a baller move, I got to say.

Well, Mr.

Gorbachev.

oh, here's what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna go in there, and I'm gonna say, it's my idea.

Lauren, man, we're almost there.

Come on, Lauren.

You want to take one more call?

Yeah,

don't say, come on.

I'm doing great.

I just didn't know you'd be.

Hi, Lauren.

Hi, Scott Rick.

This is Cormac out of Philadelphia.

Cormick.

That's why I'm first.

I have a question for you.

What did you call your grandparents?

For example, I called my grandparents.

I got on my dad's side, I have

mama mom and poppy.

And on the other side, my mom's side, I have mom mom and pop.

Two moms.

What did you call your grandparents?

Do you know what's weird?

I don't want to answer this.

Why?

It feels too personal.

Well, mine are all dead, so I have no problem.

It feels personal to me.

I don't.

It's okay.

You don't have to answer anything.

Yeah, you have to.

But what did you call it?

Ours were very simple.

It it was grand my mother's side was grandmom and grandpa and my father's side was granny and granddad oh both my grandfathers died before i was born so i never met them wow mine were super simple as grandma grandpa on both ends but

that then i have these relatives that i because of what we called them one was nana one was tanty Tanty.

Why that?

These were titles I came to find out of like, like, you know, mom, mom, or papa or whatever.

These were titles, but I, but they were never explained to me of what their relationship was to me until later.

So one was a great aunt

and one was a great grandmother, I believe.

And it was, I think that was Nana, and Tanti was my great aunt.

And it was just like

very

like, oh, okay, it feels like a nickname in a way.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know.

So yeah, those were, but I, but, but that was never explained to me.

So until I was like 12, It was like oh, she's my great aunt.

Oh kept the truth from you.

Yeah, they hid everything from me parents lie and Lauren I'm sorry, but you're gonna end up lying too But who I already am who gets to decide

Who gets to lie to that baby all the time?

Who is to decide what they're gonna be called?

Well does the grandmother get to decide?

I mean in my family now

that my grandparent, you know, the grandparents of my child have decided what they want to be called.

Yes.

But I don't know if that was how that always went.

Like, I don't know if I feel like like that's more current.

Yeah, I think it is.

And I think that it also, you can decide what you want to be called, but then ultimately it's kind of up to the baby, what the baby ends up being able to pronounce.

Right.

Well, that's true.

Like, like some of the names that we use now are based on what my nephew could say.

Exactly.

Yeah.

My sister, the aforementioned sister.

German person.

She could not say

Aunt Rosalie was my aunt who lived next door.

And so she was always Rero.

We called her Rero for a while.

And I didn't realize, that's like one of the things you grow up with, and then eventually it is explained to you, like, why did we call it?

Why is it not her name?

Yeah, that's not her name.

That's not her name.

They call me Rero.

All right, we have to take a break.

We'll be right back.

I'm Hussa Minhaj, and I have been lying to you.

I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast Hussin Minhaj doesn't know Know, to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask.

People like Senator Elizabeth Warren.

Is America too dumb for democracy?

Outrageously.

Parenting expert Dr.

Becky.

How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath?

It's a good question.

Listen to Hussin Minhaj Doesn't Know from Lemonada Media, wherever you get your podcasts.

Welcome back to the show.

Welcome back.

Welcome back to the show.

I love your natural voice.

What if my voice.

I don't think you would ever work if your voice was like that.

Never?

No.

Or maybe you would work more.

Who knows?

You know what I think about Vin Diesel playing Groot?

It bothers me sometimes.

Yeah, because it's just a simple line.

Really?

And it can be anyone.

And so someone should have

been getting a lot of money.

It was, well,

Paul, the Guardians of the Galaxy were not considered to be popular characters so it was like telling people like oh here's another interesting fact about them and the cumulatively the effect was oh okay i'll go see that movie and then people enjoyed it i think they had enough i think they had enough without

yes without bradley cooper exactly what about him he did well he had to do more acting so i get like okay that's why you get that character was really involved He had pain and suffering.

But if you watch the videos, Vin Diesel's doing the most to make Groot happen.

He wore stilts in the recording.

That was so fucking stupid.

I know, I don't know why.

It is very stupid.

I could not believe that when I saw it.

It was unnecessary.

Yeah.

And then he did it in every language.

Yeah.

I like that.

No, now there's more people you're taking work away from.

Soy Groot.

Yeah.

Because the amount of money that would be made from each one of those recordings.

And if you spread that around to 20 other people who could do those, that'd be nice.

My name is Groot.

I think it's nice.

I think it's nice when the actor who does it, who

made an effort to do it in other languages.

When I was a kid, and you'd get like a toy, and you could tell it was obviously not whoever did the that is true.

That is true.

But then, if the other languages are not being dubbed by everyone else in the film, then it's kind of like who cares?

Look, if you get a job, I'll never let go of my rage.

Find a job, take it.

Like, you pull a string and then make some money.

Hey, young Skywalker.

Hey, Skywalker.

Hey, are you my son?

Very different take on Dorothea.

Space villain.

That's what the name of the box said.

All right.

Are we ready?

Yeah.

We're about to do a three-trier.

Yeah, it's three-chir time.

Yeah.

And if you're not ready for this, I advise you to sit down, shut your trap, and open your ears as wide as you can.

Call your relatives, tell them that, look, you might not be coming home ever because this is going to blow your fucking mind.

I know you're not sitting down at home.

Sit down wherever you are.

Yeah.

Sit down.

If you're in the middle of the subway, sit down.

I dreamed last night I was on a boat to heaven.

I dreamed I met a Galilee.

A most amazing man.

This is a guy.

He had a face.

And what a beard it was.

Please let him finish, Paul.

What a beard it was.

His name was Jesus.

Paul, let him finish.

Don't interrupt.

Paul, let him finish.

Aba.

La la la la la.

What's the game?

We play a threecher.

I wait for Lauren to ask me the musical question.

By the time we do our last episode, Laura is sitting there, arms folded.

That's

hands folded.

That's true.

I'm being very polite.

She has her hands folded in her lap.

Polite to the point of like, get this fucking over with.

No, it's not true.

I've been offering it.

Polite to the point of seething resentment.

Just play the game.

That does sound like you're having fun.

This game was submitted by Dominic.

Dominic Toretto?

But see, you guys know things I don't know.

You gotta watch the Fast and Furious movie.

You've simply got to.

I watched two of them, and now I know this reference.

I watched one, and I don't care.

This is submitted by Dominic.

No last name's given.

I know I watched the ninth one because I did as a guest on my own podcast.

This is a game called Skip Five Seconds.

Podcast your podcast they sell.

This game is called Skip Five Seconds.

Okay.

One person.

I'd like to skip 20 minutes.

Let's call them the moderator.

Okay.

Goodbye, everybody.

One person, let's say they're the moderator.

Let's say you're the moderator.

Okay, let's say it.

They propose a topic for debate.

The other two improvise a debate.

And at any time, the moderator can say five seconds later.

And the debate.

Okay.

Are you listening?

Yes.

Because now I start off at the beginning.

No!

This is submitted by Dominic.

It's called Skip Five Seconds.

One person.

Let's call them the moderator.

We hate it.

Proposes a topic for debate.

Call them the moderator.

The other two.

Got to go back to the beginning now.

This is called skip five seconds.

It's submitted by Dominic.

One person, let's call them the moderator.

Shout out to Brother.

Proposes a topic for debate.

The other two improvise a debate.

At any time, the moderator can say five seconds later, and the debaters jump five seconds into the future, making references to whatever was said during those missing seconds.

After three time skips, the debaters must bring the topic to a conclusion.

Now, five seconds doesn't sound like a lot, but let's count it out right now.

One.

Oh.

Okay.

Five.

Five.

One.

Seven.

Two.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Two.

Nine.

Nine.

So see?

See?

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah, it's quite a lot of time.

Actually, this is quite quite a lot.

I was actually thinking quite a lot.

Quite a lot could be.

Actually, look,

quite a lot could be said in a lot of time.

Quite Quite a lot have you said about it?

Quite a lot could have happened in five seconds.

How much time did it take for them to stab Caesar to death?

Probably five seconds.

At two, brutal.

At two,

at two, brute.

True.

At two, three, five.

Two.

Four.

Three.

True.

Brute.

True.

Brute.

All right, so I'll be.

I'll be the moderator.

Songs.

Brute.

Ooh, bruté.

Okay, so I'll be the moderator.

Okay.

And the topic that you shall debate is, I'm going to be pro, whatever it is.

You're going to be con with it.

Sure.

Me?

Yeah.

Okay.

Global warming.

Global warming.

Your debate starts now.

Look, the world's temperature changes.

That's just what it is.

Like, for instance, during the winter, it's usually cold.

Hold on.

I'm going to make it a dumb topic.

Why?

Let's make it fun.

Yeah, let's make it fun.

Come on.

Good idea.

You're anging me.

Because I was doing a good job.

That was just a bonus for me.

Yeah.

The topic is: are there too many koalas in the city center?

All right.

I'm pro this.

I'm con there are too many.

Yeah.

You don't want you think there are too many.

You think there are

not enough.

Yeah.

All right.

And your debate begins now.

All right.

So I went down to the city center the other day, and you know what?

Everywhere I looked, there was a koala.

And I was like, this is so cute.

I showed them to my kids.

I showed them to my grandparents and nothing in between.

And I thought that, you know, there's a perfect amount of koalas here right now because if there were less koalas and- Okay, that's your time, Mr.

Ackerman?

Ms.

Lapko.

Well, I completely disagree, obviously.

Not only because I was told to, but because I actually do.

I think there are too many koalas in the city center.

I cannot go shopping without one of them crawling into my shopping bag and biting my hand and giving me chlamyd.

I will not live this way.

I don't want anyone to be at risk.

They spread illness and they,

and that's why.

Yeah, well, look,

I didn't like part of it is you didn't suppose to refer to things.

I didn't refer to things.

I'll refer to it.

Okay.

I didn't like when I thought he was supposed to say.

I didn't like when you just talked about how you loved having chlamydia because it made sure that no man wanted to have sex with you.

Right.

Because I think you didn't love that.

I didn't love that.

Counterpoint, I did.

Well, I didn't.

Five seconds later.

I cannot believe you just called me that.

I literally, someone arrest him?

Like, are you allowed to say that anymore?

He's allowed to say that.

Oh, my God.

In a debate forum as well.

Oh, wow.

I can yell fire in a crowded theater if I wanted to, too.

I wish you wouldn't.

First Amendment.

Fire!

No one believes you, obviously.

No one's saving.

Fire!

No one should be getting up because

five seconds late.

Anyway, I thought it was really strange that you just kissed me right then.

You have chlamydia.

I don't want it.

Look, it's just, it's unprofessional, first of all.

During a debate, we're supposed to be on opposite sides.

I was trying to prove a point regarding the ways in which I am a great kisser.

Now.

Let me count the ways.

Okay, you used way too much tongue.

You

had to moderator.

Five seconds later.

Okay, now you have to route your closing arguments, please.

Long story short, I feel like it's very clear that we don't want koalas in the city center.

They're causing much havoc.

And they're completely unruly, and they should be in conservatories.

Short story long, I think koalas are rad.

I think the more that we see them they're they're cute i think that we can eat them if there ever becomes too many of a problem refer to things that happened in five seconds

i don't i didn't think i think you just said it's time for our things yeah i did but it's still the anytime that's five seconds later i give up

okay this one sucks anyway

i think it can be good

oh

oh if you were to do it it could be good yes you'd be the moderator scott

it was a topic.

What was the topic?

The topic is:

are

plastic bags too dangerous to be floating around on this

surface of the ocean?

Fun.

Look, we all know what's going on out there.

The plastic bags are covering the entire surface of the ocean, allowing zero sunlight to go down.

And animals are eating plastic and rotting from the inside out.

Their insides are lined with target bags.

How could you possibly think that's a good thing?

See, I knew you were going to say that.

And what I think is wonderful about this is it's keeping down the population of these 80s.

Five-second predators.

The Lincoln assassination is a direct result of these creatures.

And anyone who's patriotic will.

It's a good time, sir, and now to

do you don't know my name?

It's Brenda.

I'm sorry.

And my name is Brenda Met.

I have a name tag on my podium, whatever.

Doesn't matter.

It just seemed like you were looking for my name and you couldn't figure it out.

You were like, and back to dot, dot, dot.

She'll just start talking.

This is not

counting against your name.

I don't care.

It's not counting against my name.

No, sorry.

So if you're trying to run out the clock, it's not working because I'm starting right now.

I'm not.

And I don't care when you started.

I pictured it.

Okay, now I'm starting right now.

It doesn't matter when you started it.

Because it just doesn't matter.

Now I'm starting.

And it doesn't matter if it was then, now, then, then, what, then, yeah.

Now I'm starting.

plastic bags.

Five seconds later.

If you look into the eyes of any child over the age of 10, you will see the remnants of the ancient stingray that once enveloped the world.

And now, when you look into their eyes, you see the remnants of plastic bags

that they're being carried home from the hospital because we have so many of them.

Yeah, that's better, I'm saying.

It's actually not.

It's actually very dark and very bad.

Because what's going to happen though, what you're going to see is that we're going to have a world enveloped by plastic.

And that everything is going to be covered in plastic, and we're gonna have a whole Brenda.

Why did you bring a bed out on stage?

Are you talking to me?

No, Brenda.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, you're Brendan.

Everything's gonna be covered.

Sorry, why are you curling up?

And the plastic is up with it,

and it's all gone.

And that would say, Do you die?

Five seconds later.

And that's what I mean because you know, when you see that go down, you understand the points.

You see how the act out helps.

Time.

Thank you for waking her up, Brendan.

I want to thank everyone who helped resuscitate me.

I don't know what happened.

That's never happened to me during a debate before.

Yeah, why were you talking during it, Brenda?

I'm sorry that everyone had to see that,

especially the inside part of me.

It's unprofessional, and I apologize.

All right, time.

And now for your apology, Brenda.

I'm really sorry to everyone out there who I harmed with my language and actions.

This is about stuff from the past.

I just figured I would use this platform to kind of say, I did some stuff that wasn't great.

I didn't mean it like that.

Everyone misinterpreted me.

I didn't mean like that.

30 more seconds.

That I get to keep talking?

Yeah.

Great.

I miss my family.

I do.

And if you're out there watching this, I regret it all.

I regret throwing out all my kids' toys to teach him a lesson.

I regret throwing out my husband's clothes to teach him a lesson.

And I regret taking the gas out of the car and siphoning it into a little bucket that I

just to create a sort of kombucha-like flavor that I was creating to slowly poison my husband.

I didn't mean to do that.

Hold on.

Did you just admit to poisoning your husband?

I tried to.

Well, he died.

We have always wondered.

How did he die again?

Choads.

Choads?

Choke it on a choad.

And closing arguments.

And that's why that is how it is.

And again, folks,

that time machine, I cannot, it was for demonstration purposes only.

I cannot take you back to see your dead grandparents.

That would be in violation of time law.

And I don't want to be in trouble with the time cops.

I

rest my kick.

I give it to him.

You're just forfeiting.

You're conceding.

I was going to say I secede.

You're seceding from the United States of America.

I secede.

I secede.

I secede.

So you're a nation under yourself.

I am.

What's your money going to be called?

Doublings.

Doublings?

Doublings.

Doublings?

Doublings.

And so doublings.

And

what's your country called?

Number one city.

Number one city is your country.

God damn, that's good.

God damn it.

It's really jealous.

Fuck.

I was thinking of seceding.

And that's how you play that game.

Hey.

We did it.

We did four out of the game.

Listen,

if you want to send us a three-church, write to us at

threedomusa gmail.com.

Three mail.

Why didn't we get three mails?

It's a mad.

It did fuck up.

No, somebody else has it.

It did fuck up.

It did fuck up.

So write to us at threedomusagmail.com.

We're threedomusa on Twitter and Instagram.

And our phone number, if you'd like to call us, is haha laimpu.

You figure it out.

You figure out what's going on.

You figure it out.

You figure it out.

With a pencil and a pad.

You figure it out.

Scott, would you like to give my advice?

Every day.

Well, okay.

Here's the deal.

I'm going to be straight with you.

Thanks, man.

I'm going to cut through all the BS.

Oh, my God.

He's sitting in his chair back.

He turned his hat forwards.

He turned his front upside down.

And his shoes are on the opposite feet.

This guy's insane.

It's absolutely insane.

But look,

look, you don't want to listen to these ads that we have all over the place.

Belook.

Belook.

Belook.

Bale.

There's too many ads in this show right

yeah

every three seconds it's like add for this ad for that i know

your thumb is broken from hitting the 30 forward we're in demand to do these ads and we get it so we have a solution for you if you want to hear ad-free episodes of the show go over to stitcher premium or or you can go to cbb world and there's the ad-free versions that way like you don't hear us talking about mattresses or whatever the fuck we're talking about you can just hear us talking about this shit yeah and that's so much better because you don't have to fast forward.

And isn't that nice?

And don't you deserve it?

You deserve it.

Aren't you a nice boy?

Okay.

And aren't you daddy's brave boy?

Because you took your, you took your booster shot and you didn't even cry.

And now here's a little ice cream as a treat for you.

And you've never eaten it before.

You can have a little salami.

This is what it takes.

As a treat.

Just a little salami.

Anyway.

We have two more episodes before our season's done.

And believe me, the next two, you're not going to want to miss it.

Oh my God, we're going to

tie everything together.

Let's see what seems to be.

It's going to be like endgame.

We're going to make it make sense, all of it.

We should do some coming attractions for it.

Coming up in the last two episodes of Threedom.

I didn't say that.

Stop saying I said that.

That's not what I said.

I don't want to be your friend anymore.

Okay.

Oh, you're really?

You're that agreement?

You broke my thumb.

Everybody needs to get

a pad and paper.

Oh, look, a whale.

Take a chill pill.

I got

the clue.

Double rainbow.

Belegda.

And the floor is covered in dog hair for some reason.

Hoo-wah.

That's a clip.

That boy, that's what a clip.

That's a lot to look forward to.

Thanks for editing that, Calvin.

I can't believe we lived through that.

Boy, I know.

Boy, Will.

You're not going to want to miss those episodes.

So come back for our very exciting final two episodes of the season.

It's a two-part season finale.

That's right.

maybe series finale.

Who knows?

Who knows?

We don't know yet.

Um, we should probably find out, yeah, before we do those.

Okay, well, anyway, goodbye, and uh, good luck, good luck, and good night, and good morrow.

Good night, bye.

A 15-year-old girl who chewed through a rope to escape a serial killer.

I use my front teeth to saw on the rope in my mouth.

He's been convicted of murdering two young women, but suspected of many more.

Maybe there's another one in that area.

And now, new leads that could solve these cold cases.

They could be a victim that we have no idea he killed.

Stolen Voices of Dole Valley breaks the silence on August 19th.

Follow us now so you don't miss an episode.