Threevisiting: Balling My Eyes Out

Speaker 1 A

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Speaker 1 Hey, it's me, Steve Burns, and I'm so glad you're here because you and I go way back, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah. And look at us now.
Like we're all grown up. We've got this new podcast where we talk about all this grown up stuff and there's special guests like Jamie Lee Curtis and Bill Nye.

Speaker 1 But for the most part, it's about you. I mean, it's always been about you.

Speaker 1 From Lemonada Media, Alive with Steve Burns is coming September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts, or you can watch every episode on YouTube.

Speaker 1 Freedom!

Speaker 1 Freedom!

Speaker 1 Freedom!

Speaker 1 Freedom!

Speaker 1 Freedom is the show, and that's where you go when you want to hear freedom on the show.

Speaker 1 My name's Lauren.

Speaker 1 My name's Scott. My name's Paul.
And we're Freedom, and we're here to tell you stories about our lives where people stop being polite and start getting real. That's right.

Speaker 1 We're called Realdom, and this is where everyone stops being nice to each other and they start saying rude. This is Basketball Wives, and we play basketball and then we marry each other.

Speaker 1 Yes, Queen. Yes, Queen.

Speaker 1 Has anyone? Hold on a second. I need the smelling salts for Lauren.
Woo-hoo-hoo! Woo-hoo-hoo! Wake up. Where am I? Have you ever smelled smelling salts? Yeah.
No.

Speaker 1 I told you in my recent recent-ish operation, they had to get them out for me. That's right.
Because you wouldn't wake up?

Speaker 1 Because they feared I was about to faint. You hit the snooze alarm on your operation.

Speaker 1 What happened?

Speaker 1 Tell us or no? You almost fainted on a seat? I talked about it a previous episode. So go back and listen.
You'll enjoy it. Yes, with you.
I vaguely. And you didn't care then.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I care now, is what I'm trying to tell you. Well, you can't keep telling this story.
No,

Speaker 1 it's the right day. I've told you, you have to give her time to care because she's not.
I just didn't care then, and I care now.

Speaker 1 Maybe I cared then. I just don't remember.
Yeah, that's okay. I don't remember every detail of your life.
I remember caring. Who were you married to again? Exactly.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Wait, smelling salts, something else.
Shit. What was was it?

Speaker 1 Kulop overheard it and was like, you got to get the smelling salts.

Speaker 1 She screamed. Did she say that? No, she heard them.
She heard them saying something

Speaker 1 rushing from the other room where she was having her own procedure. They call them smelling salts.
Actually, it's making me wonder if I would have smelled smelling salts. Something sciencey.

Speaker 1 Science! Go and get them. Get the maldehyde

Speaker 1 or something. That would put me out, I think.

Speaker 1 Get the smell of a maldehyde.

Speaker 1 It's fake. Maldehyde.
Maldehyde. Yeah, just call it Maldehyde.
Call it Salmohyde. He needs the Salmohayak.
Get Salmohayak. He'll wake up then.
He does. He's a few CCs of Potipharin.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because smelling salts reminds me of like Downton Abbey shit. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Old tiny.

Speaker 1 But then they snap it. They go, like, say, snap it open.
And then I remember being like, okay,

Speaker 1 coppers? Like analyl nitrate?

Speaker 1 I think they like snap it open like it's it releases it and then it releases the smell. And then I was like,

Speaker 1 I was like, Yeah, yeah, okay, okay, okay. Get that away from me.
Get it away from me, but that's that's what stinks.

Speaker 1 It stinks, it smells so good. What does it stink like? Why can't they make it smell nice? I know.

Speaker 1 Oh, lavender! Oh, this is cotton candy.

Speaker 1 I'm Getty.

Speaker 1 Cotton candy, but I am Getty Lee.

Speaker 1 Oh, hi. Welcome.
Yeah, from Rush. Cotton candy jelly bellies are some of the best there are.
Is that true? Let's never do it.

Speaker 1 What about cotton candy grapes? I don't like those.

Speaker 1 i've never had them cotton candy they're really shocking to me cotton candy grapes do you think that they should give them to raccoons to make up for when the raccoon tried to wash the cotton candy and it disappeared

Speaker 1 i do think that thank you i've never seen that sounds funny you've never seen it it's really funny it sounds like an instant classic because the raccoons they have to wash their little foods before they eat them why Because they're civilized, dear darling.

Speaker 1 They have little hands.

Speaker 1 If it has hands, it likes to wash its food. And so this guy's washing.
I have hands. Can you wash me, Greg?

Speaker 1 What's that from?

Speaker 1 Meet the parents. Darling.
Oh, yeah. I watched that fairly recently.

Speaker 1 I watched it recently. Your face.

Speaker 1 I watched it within the last six months, and it was really funny.

Speaker 1 They give this raccoon some cotton candy. He goes to watch it.
Of course, it all all dissolves. And he's so fucking confused.
Like,

Speaker 1 what's it going to do? I got this. Yeah.
That's sad to me. I washed it away.
I wonder if every food should dissolve. I wonder that sometimes, sure.
That's true.

Speaker 1 Well, it'd be better that you have acid in your body.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't like it. I don't think about it.
Like, what if it gets out? Stomach acid? Well, that's when you go barfy and it's gross. Yeah.
What's the first thing you remember barfing?

Speaker 1 Like where you're like,

Speaker 1 that's not vomit that's something i ate recently a roll of pennies

Speaker 1 recently no no i just mean the first recently piece and leaves

Speaker 1 the i i just it was always barfed to me until one day it's just barf to me it was always barf

Speaker 1 until one day became generic barf yeah store store brand barf and then you're like oh that's that's from when i ate that that peas and carrots soup no i remember i remember getting really sick and coming back from school and talking about the school nurses going like i need to go home i feel sick and then barfing on our front porch and it being the orange cinnamon rolls that I had had that morning.

Speaker 1 Orange cinnamon rolls. Well, I think you should have barfed them.
It sounds toxic. Those are good.

Speaker 1 What do you mean, orange cinnamon rolls? You know, like the orange, they have orange frosting instead of the I do not know these. Oh, they're delicious, but they're a 70s household classic.

Speaker 1 Does it taste like it's it like a is it like a previously wrapped?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, it's in the can, yeah, previously owned. Oh, it's in the can.
It's like, it's like Pillsbury dough. So it's like Pillsbury.
So then you make them and then

Speaker 1 you put them in the oven and then they give you the end of the roll is this orange frosting.

Speaker 1 It's just like Pillsbury. Yeah, you put the orange on them and they're delicious.
Oh, yum. When we see a big fat baby,

Speaker 1 I love when Janie says punch her in the arm.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 When you see, what is a slug a bug? Punch her. Yeah, we punch.
It's in the car. If we're in the car, we see big fat babies.

Speaker 1 This always always makes me, it delights me when Jane will say,

Speaker 1 like, his arms look like grands, like Pillsbury Grands. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 When a fat baby has just like all those rolls, it's so good.

Speaker 1 So cute. It's so good.
When you have the

Speaker 1 wrist roll, when you have the big line. When they have a bracelet.
Yeah, you wish they never grew up and just kept the, or you wish they got bigger, but then have the baby body.

Speaker 1 I wish they were six feet, but they don't have a baby. Baby, wow.
I wish everyone was scary for baby. I'm picturing it, and it's really scary because the baby doesn't thin out.

Speaker 1 I'd like it, but it's like remained the same. And my body would fit in.
Aww.

Speaker 1 But Lauren.

Speaker 1 Your body would fit in with other baby bodies. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I get it. We're okay.

Speaker 1 Hey, I got it. Get the smelling salts for Lauren.
I'm awake and I'm good. I'm just, my eyes are closing.
I'm good. And I'm falling asleep.
I'm awake and I'm good.

Speaker 1 My eyes are closing and I'm drifting off sleep. The energy is up.
It's just my eyes are tired. Oh, your poor darn eyes.
I'll never believe that.

Speaker 1 Lauren, if you fell asleep in the middle of a show. It would feel so good.
I would love to fall asleep right now. I really would.
I'm tired.

Speaker 1 When did you wake up? I woke up at 6:30. When did we get your Wordle?

Speaker 1 7,

Speaker 1 7.05. That's how we keep tabs on each.
By the way, there are probably four people in our text who have never done a Wordle.

Speaker 1 Who must, I think of them now every single time we do and like waking up going, this fucking why am I getting like if they muted us? Well, you know what sucks about muting on your phone?

Speaker 1 You can mute, like, do not disturb on that, that thread. However, it still tells you you have a message.
Yeah, you may as well do it. I don't think it should seem like I don't think it should either.

Speaker 1 I hope that they get them and go, God bless these guys. They're still doing it.
I love them. Or they go, well, they're all alive.
You know,

Speaker 1 in a way, we don't know if these people are alive. It's proof of lying.
But I do feel like we should probably stop it soon. You're the one who started it.
No, I know that. AI reminds me.

Speaker 1 But here's what I'm thinking. Because John.
Lord started it by saying, let's all do this and compete with each other. Yes.
Yeah. And in a way, it was great to keep.
Oh, it was fun for a while.

Speaker 1 I still like it.

Speaker 1 I don't dislike it, but here's what I would think.

Speaker 1 Tall John said when he got all, he didn't get it right. He got X out of six.
He said he was going to quit. That's right.
And then he didn't quit. That's right.

Speaker 1 Because I sort of think whoever, every time one of us doesn't get it, you have to stop sending it. And keep playing.
We have to stop sending it, and then eventually it'll die away.

Speaker 1 It'll go down, yeah. But you like that everyone sends it? Yeah, I do.
I don't dislike that everyone sends it. I'm just, I'm ready for it to wind down.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if it stopped, for life to wind down soon.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 That's upsetting. Do you need some other 30 years or so?

Speaker 1 You want like a 30-year wind down? Yeah, just wind. Just slowly.

Speaker 1 How do you feel about aging? Like, how long would you like to live? Do you feel like there's a cutoff where it's like that? I don't want to live that long.

Speaker 1 I was talking to my mom about this the other day, and she said that someone. Oh, I was talking to your mom, too.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 She said, Someone at her church said after 80, it's just basically game over. Like, it's all downhill.
I don't believe that. I don't believe that's the same.
Not for everyone. Exactly.

Speaker 1 I don't believe it's the same for everyone. I mean, look at William Shatner.
Who?

Speaker 1 Space, the planet of Principia. Okay, McCurt.

Speaker 1 Like, there's a lot of people who have a lot of energy past that point. Yeah, like, like,

Speaker 1 he was doing shit your dad says at like 82 or something like that, you know, and he's still kicking around in 90 or whatever.

Speaker 1 It's like, I'm sure it's fine for some people, but I think people of also of my parents' generation,

Speaker 1 you know, I think I told you that my dad had an over-the-hill party at 40. Yeah.
And where it was like, here's, here's, you know, your cane, old man, and stuff like that. But it truly was like.

Speaker 1 A lot of people that they knew, you know, died at 45 or at 50. Really? Yeah.
So,

Speaker 1 so, anyway, I remember like having a heart attack at 50 seemed like a very common thing. Yeah, it was like, yeah,

Speaker 1 it was a thing that was going to happen. But look, here's the other thing.
I've been watching a lot of old movies recently. Everyone smokes in them.
Oh, yeah. And so it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 The more you see that, the more you go, like, oh, of course, everyone was having heart attacks at 50. They're all killing themselves and each other.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, um, I, I feel like it is a quality of life thing

Speaker 1 where

Speaker 1 if I'm, if I'm still, look, I want to live as long as I can. If I'm still doing good, you know what I mean? I want to live as long as I can.

Speaker 1 I don't feel like,

Speaker 1 it's wild to me

Speaker 1 the idea, although I know it is for some people to get to that point. Like my mother went into hospice care before she died.

Speaker 1 That was her decision. Like she went off of dialysis because of other issues that she had.
And the doctor was like, if you keep. Doing this your quality of life is going to get worse and worse.

Speaker 1 Or you could do this and let nature take its course. And she did it.
And like, and I may have, I feel like now I've talked about this on here before. I don't remember.
I saw it.

Speaker 1 But the idea of being able to say, like, I've lived enough life. Like, that's, I can, I can let go.
It's like, because where I am in life right now is like clawing, like, please let me go. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 It seems like something that I don't know that I'd be able to accept. Like, oh, no, this has been good.
Yeah. Bye.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But then I guess if you do live long enough, if you make it to your 80s or whatever, you will be a better judge of what constitutes a life lived. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, as my father said, someone said to him, like,

Speaker 1 something like, oh, it's 70, it's all kind of over, or whatever. And he's like,

Speaker 1 yeah, I'll talk to you when you're 70. You know, it's like, it doesn't really feel that way.
Yeah. Everyone just wants as much as possible.

Speaker 1 Much younger inside. Yeah.
It's so true. What a cruel trick that fate plays on.
It really is horrible.

Speaker 1 I lately have been thinking about it a lot where just to see someone walking down the street and go, they're going to die.

Speaker 1 I'm not really happy about it. It's like my brain's been doing that a lot lately, where I'm just going like, oh, and that person has a whole life and then that's going to end or something.

Speaker 1 It's like, I'm just like, oh, God. It is, I'm just beginning to feel the thing of

Speaker 1 feeling younger inside than my body is. Like the last time we did a show, and there was a scene where you died.
and you just collapsed on the floor. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then I, then later there was a mirroring of that where I should have collapsed on the floor and you, and I just sat down very gingerly. It's like, ooh, geez.

Speaker 1 But there was a time for sure where I was like, oh, yeah, I'll just fall down. No problem.
I mean, I was thinking about that with our tour that has ended by the time we did this.

Speaker 1 And who knows how it went? But everyone broke their foot. But the first time, the first one was 10 years ago.
And I like think about the energy we had. I can't believe it was that long ago.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't think you were on the one 10 years ago.

Speaker 1 10 years ago? Although you did the Philadelphia show.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was fun.

Speaker 1 2012.

Speaker 1 Yeah, 2012.

Speaker 1 Who was the main cast?

Speaker 1 I think James Zomian went on us the whole time. And I think, well, I know Kurt

Speaker 1 Brown. Brown did the opening set all the time and occasionally did the show.
I did more than just that one show. Because I remember we were in San Francisco

Speaker 1 with James.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, and

Speaker 1 that was the Birthday Boys one. The Birthday Boys.
That was the second tour.

Speaker 1 You were on the whole second tour. I was on the whole second tour.
The first one, I think you were too busy to do. And the second one was when I was in.

Speaker 1 Or no.

Speaker 1 The second one was the one I was in, or no? No, no. I think you were in the third or fourth.
The third one, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyway, it was a lot of fun. And, but, you know,

Speaker 1 back to Martin Shorten and Steve Martin, they're, they're up there and still doing it, but can they do it every night in a row? I don't know. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think you guys will be great on this. It's going to be okay.
I mean, I'm not going to drink. You're not 70s.
Exactly. I mean, that's a whole different thing.

Speaker 1 I'm going to try to maintain a very strict regimen of diet and no alcohol while we're on the tour. Damn, no alcohol?

Speaker 1 Like zero?

Speaker 1 Lauren, I know that's hard for you to hear because you'd love to party. I'd go crazy for this stuff.

Speaker 1 But I do feel like at the end of, you know, in the middle of the tour, it's kind of nice to get a drink every once in a while. You might, you might go back on that.
I might, but I, I don't want

Speaker 1 to say that. Because I know, I know how much it can affect my energy.
Most of our true because the next day you feel like shit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's weird talking about this before we do do it and yet this will already come out this will come out after it's already been done or disasters happened on it or

Speaker 1 like we quit in the middle

Speaker 1 kenobi becomes a huge star unless you both get covet which i hope you don't i don't want to get covet i doubt either of us will but that's another thing is like i know it affects my energy level yeah even if i have like two glasses of wine yeah it'll be like the next day i'll feel it yeah and i have to drive every day i also don't want to let my there's a lot of driving now you you always drive because you saved for insurance, right?

Speaker 1 No, I just feel responsible for everybody. I would feel,

Speaker 1 I don't know, I just feel like if there's going to be a horrible accident, I should be

Speaker 1 one that you all sue.

Speaker 1 I think that's nice.

Speaker 1 But I feel bad that you do all the driving. I'm sure it's fine.
We'll see how I feel. Well, not with this ding on foot.
You might need someone else to do it. Not with that dang-on foot.
Dang on foot.

Speaker 1 Hopefully this comes off tomorrow. And guys, everything's all good.
But I mean, even still, you don't want to overwork it by, you know, moving that ankle a lot.

Speaker 1 Yeah, gas, breaks, gas, breaks. Oh, darling, why not both?

Speaker 1 The last time I broke for gas, I farted in his face.

Speaker 1 But I don't know, it'll be fine. But yeah, aging, aging stuff.
If you could stop aging at what age would you like physically?

Speaker 1 Because sometimes

Speaker 1 you know how when you look at, like, you feel old when you're 18, but then you look so young. But you look so young.

Speaker 1 like but what's the perfect age where you're like that should be the cutoff like where i don't think you know until you've passed it exactly honestly if i from this vantage point i would say 40.

Speaker 1 i think 40 is a great age yeah i think it's a great 28

Speaker 1 27 25 i don't know you're going lower and lower 23

Speaker 1 i have any

Speaker 1 three years old i don't want to state i'm eight years old i feel great even though this comes out so much later who gives a shit it doesn't matter fuck it's just past the point i was going to explain why I'm not on the tour.

Speaker 1 Oh, why? Well, because I'm doing a movie, but I'm saying everyone, I feel like people are going to, she had a baby, so she's not going to go do anything anymore.

Speaker 1 And I don't, that's not how my life is. I just want to say.
No, your lifestyle

Speaker 1 informs your death style.

Speaker 1 I'm not saying I have a crazy life. I'm just saying I would like to go on the tour.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, you were invited, dear. I know when I'm doing a movie,

Speaker 1 no, no, she's got it. I'm explaining for them so that they don't speculate.
Yeah, for the movie. No speculation.
Everything's good. Everything's all good between.

Speaker 1 it's literally shooting august one to september one it's like the exact dates of this yeah what are you doing for labor day well it's my birthday weekend um gotta wear white pants i'll be wearing funny girl white pants and going to funny girl getting your family i'm gonna i'm going to be in chicago for my birthday i'm staying a few extra days after i'm done filming so i can hang out with my family That's the dream.

Speaker 1 Be in Chicago for your birthday to celebrate my B-Day. May you all be in Chicago on your birthday.
Yeah. My fondest wish for you all to be in Chicago on your birthday after you finish filming.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Doesn't that sound great? I can't wait to see me at that point because I feel like that'll just feel great. Do you think there will be any wind?

Speaker 1 You know what? Probably not. It's usually pretty hot time of year.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you going to do a cameo on the bear season two?

Speaker 1 If they ask me.

Speaker 1 How's your yelling? I'm really good at screaming about River Nort.

Speaker 1 A Nort? River North. That's where they are.

Speaker 1 I really enjoyed that show. Cool-op said that.

Speaker 1 I've only watched the first episode. I haven't seen the rest.

Speaker 1 I'm sure by this time, I will have watched it. And I don't know.
Oh, why? You shut her down. I just didn't feel like I was, I was two drinks into the night.

Speaker 1 I was like, I don't want to concentrate on this. Sometimes you got to just let it go.
You know? Two drinks into the night. How many drinks do you have a night?

Speaker 1 It was probably two, but that makes me sleepy. Do you know what's funny? We may have talked about this before, but I'm never in the mood to watch like a documentary.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But if Janie starts it, then you'll get really interested because they're so compelling and you'll walk by and go like, what is this piece of home?

Speaker 1 Was this real? Uh-oh, I'm I'm into it. But I will, because I feel like at the end of the day, I want to,

Speaker 1 I don't want to, I don't want to concentrate on something. Yeah, that's the thing.
You know what I mean? I want something that's easy to just like let that happen.

Speaker 1 That's what reality TV is for, to me, where you can just be on your phone and kind of picking up the beats of it. We got Welcome to Plathville is really taking off this season.

Speaker 1 Well, we started watching Welcome to Plathville anyway. What are you being paid by Welcome to Plathville? Did I bring it up? I feel like I've never talked about it.

Speaker 1 No, it's just the way you talk about it. LPBW, I bring up a lot, but Welcome to Plathville.
the town where they like

Speaker 1 they they it's like the bell jar and they live in the novel the bell jar no what is

Speaker 1 the butterfly where one person can only communicate while blinking that was a good movie it's basically these two parents who like i haven't had the courage to watch this again oh no i never could see that again it's so great though it's so it was i was just bawling I know, but I never blinking at my friend and going, do you see I'm sad?

Speaker 1 Wait, bawling?

Speaker 1 I hate when people misspell bawling and write B-A-L-O-I-M-G.

Speaker 1 I'm bawling my eyes out. I'm like, you're the scooper?

Speaker 1 What are you doing? You're fucking your own eyes? Oh, no. See, I thought it was like bawling my eyes out with like a cantaloupe baller.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Melon baller. We have to take a break.
Okay.

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Fall, autumn. It's great.
Sweater weather, leaves crunching under your feet. Maybe a special fall-flavored latte?

Speaker 1 But fall also means the days are getting shorter and it's dark out more, which can be really hard for so many people. So this fall, Better Help wants you to reach out to someone special in your life.

Speaker 1 Maybe you call your grandmother, reconnect with a friend who's been on your mind. That can be hard, but after you do it, you'll likely think to yourself, why didn't I do this sooner?

Speaker 1 And that's what we often hear with therapy. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms, having served over 5 million people globally.

Speaker 1 Here's how it works. You fill out a short questionnaire that helps identify your needs and preferences, and BetterHelp matches you with a therapist.

Speaker 1 If you aren't happy with your match, You can switch to a different therapist at any time. That is part of the thing.
It's part of the process. You try people.

Speaker 1 I did it and finally found the person that was right for me. This month, don't wait to reach out.

Speaker 1 Whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist yourself, BetterHelp makes it easier to take that first step.

Speaker 1 Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/slash threedom. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com/slash Threedom

Speaker 1 and we're back.

Speaker 1 We're doing it. We're doing it.
We're doing it. Doing it well.

Speaker 1 Will you wear a rubber? Are you my lover? Ew. That's the lyric from Doing It Well.

Speaker 1 Will you wear a rubber? Are you my lover?

Speaker 1 Do you remember?

Speaker 1 There's gonna be more nerdy rappers. Do you remember that book where the little duck walked around asking, Are you my lover? Are you my lover? Are you my lover?

Speaker 1 Don't wear a doom ever?

Speaker 1 Will you please wear this rubber? I like to move it, move it. I like it.
I like to move it, move it.

Speaker 1 All right, let's go. Let's go to

Speaker 1 hell with all of us. No, let's go to

Speaker 1 one of these.

Speaker 1 Is it preacher time? No, one of these. What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck are you trying to say, dude? One of these voicemails.

Speaker 1 Yes, please. She's

Speaker 1 right here. Yes, please, Scott.
Okay. Here we go.
Let's do it. I don't know who this is.

Speaker 2 Hi, Scott, Paul, and Lauren.

Speaker 2 I am a longtime listener, and I am 22 years old. I was born in 2000.
22 years old. And I've just recently graduated university.

Speaker 2 And I was wondering if you guys have any advice on how to make friends past university into your adult life. Where should I be going? Who should I be talking to? Do you have any tips?

Speaker 2 I would greatly appreciate them. Hope you'll all have a great day.
Goodbye.

Speaker 1 Well, nameless person, mostly my tips are... Sam introduce yourself.
Yeah, if you're trying to help Fred.

Speaker 1 Number one. It's hard to connect when I don't know what your name is.
Most of my advice is retroactive. Drop out of college.

Speaker 1 Get into show business. Yeah.
Hang out with a bunch of adults. Do improv.
Desperately try to fit in and be afraid that they're going to think you're not cool. But here's the problem.

Speaker 1 Most people's jobs, their work friends are just so uncool. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is that true? Probably. Like any all the job I've ever worked at, they're just like so uncool.
Well, I've had retail jobs where I liked a lot of the people that I worked with.

Speaker 1 Retails may be a little different. Because you're all about the same.
Pretty's pretty cool. I don't know.

Speaker 1 Like my waiting table jobs, unless it was in the middle of nowhere and it was a bunch of old ladies and me, most of the time it was like young kids that you would maybe hang out with.

Speaker 1 But if you're working in an office job, everyone around you sucks, right? So

Speaker 1 you gotta figure out ways to get out there and meet people in other areas. But I think the internet has made this so much easier that there are now like get-together kind of things that you can go.

Speaker 1 Well, there is an app to make friends that someone I know is using. It's like Tinder for Friends or something.
I love that that exists. Like, I heard about that.
I thought that was the sword.

Speaker 1 It's really nice. It's the nicest thing.

Speaker 1 I just

Speaker 1 feel like... I'm sorry,

Speaker 1 no, thank you. These turds?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think that would, I would, I would not put that

Speaker 1 out of your mind as an option using one of those apps because you can make a friend and that'd be kind of cool. And then I feel like

Speaker 1 it's tough because it's like if you have one friend, maybe it's like if you have one friend, you ask them to bring another friend when you hang out or something.

Speaker 1 And then you kind of grow the group like sardines yeah yeah yeah oh sardines yeah also by the way you can as a woman you can go to a bar you're speaking as a woman so so what are you gonna tell me i can do you can go to a bar and meet a million people that is not true yeah go to a bar also no one wants everyone will start talking no yeah no one wants to do that read about

Speaker 1 i think you would maybe sign up for an activity yeah like trivia night or something like that or like but it's hard to go alone to things like i think like what do you like like knitting or something?

Speaker 1 Like, maybe there's something that's kind of a solo activity that you could take a class and meet people. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I feel like what's good about one of the things that is good about the internet is that it's easier to connect with people now than it ever has been.

Speaker 1 You can find those sorts of places to go where there's going to be groups of like-minded people that you can at least you will have a

Speaker 1 jumping-off point for a conversation. Like, if it's like you all like the same TV show or you all like, you know, some kind of game or something.
I once went to a band alone.

Speaker 1 You mean a concert? A concert. Yeah.
And I started talking to someone because I thought I recognized them and

Speaker 1 realized quickly that it wasn't the person I thought of, but we struck up a conversation. It's that easy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So just think it's somebody else.

Speaker 1 Because we both have the interest of this band.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, it's a really hard thing, though, because I think so many of my friendships were just made from doing improv that I just naturally met people.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But I was very lucky to have that because I always think when I moved to New York and I moved to LA and I had that as like a thing I was doing.

Speaker 1 But an improv class, if you don't think that sucks, you might not. If you listen to this, you might think improv's fun.
You could take an improv class.

Speaker 1 I've never been upset at someone who just starts a conversation though. Well, I mean, there would be nobody normal who just

Speaker 1 like chatting. Yeah.
Yeah. Chatting with another alone person.
I also think the other thing is you have to say yes to a lot of opportunities.

Speaker 1 Like if you get invited to a party, you have to go even if you don't know what you're doing. Like the movie Yes Man.
Yeah. You know, because I would just not want to do that.
Rent the movie Yes, Man.

Speaker 1 Just watch that. Do what you're doing.
It's like hanging out with friends. Yeah.
Jim Carrey's a different.

Speaker 1 A guy struck up a conversation with me on an airplane, which normally I would hate, but, and I did not like it when he started talking to me. And then we had a great conversation.

Speaker 1 And then did you keep in touch?

Speaker 1 He gave me his card because I said, hey,

Speaker 1 I was coming back from Portland and I said, I'm doing a show in, what's that? Bridgetown.

Speaker 1 No, it was not Bridgetown. Oh, where's that? It was,

Speaker 1 well, Portland is Bridgetown. That's what I mean.
But I was doing a show with Mark Evan Jackson. And then when I was flying back, this guy, we started talking.

Speaker 1 And I was like, hey, I'm coming back here

Speaker 1 with Comedy Bang Bang. I'm going to do a show.

Speaker 1 Give me your email, and I'll let you know when we're going to be there. And I'll put you on the list.
And are you going to do that? Yeah, I am. Oh, that's great.
I still have the card, yeah.

Speaker 1 Also, have a baby and bring it to a park. Or a dog.

Speaker 1 Have a dog baby. Well, it's interesting with

Speaker 1 the baby. Have a baby riding a dog.
Oh, why?

Speaker 1 Are people constantly coming up to you and talking? No, not at all. No, no one's doing that.
I also think COVID plays a role with that, too. But like, I think

Speaker 1 sneezing and having a baby.

Speaker 1 Now, maybe this for you, a person who's listening, I don't know anything about you. Maybe you have a pet, maybe you have a dog.

Speaker 1 But like getting together with someone who also has a baby is a thing where it's like you kind of make friends. Like I'm making friends solely based on that fact.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it's like, that's not something I do in my life to like seek out new people to hang out with and like make a plan and go do it's like that's usually a lot of effort for me.

Speaker 1 I was just I like to just hang out. It usually it seems like all the friends that I made in my life were like, okay, I graduated college and then I

Speaker 1 were they were all work friends until I started doing comedy and then they became all comedy friends, right?

Speaker 1 So it's like if if the people at your job end up sucking, which they probably will, but maybe they won't, you know, maybe they won't though.

Speaker 1 Maybe this person's gonna work somewhere like relatively cool or something or like him, like Apple or

Speaker 1 Tesla. Like something like

Speaker 1 be friends with Elon Musk. Where you might meet someone who's like-minded because you're both interested in the same job and then you can hang out and go do something.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But then you have to ask people to hang out and that sucks and that's hard, but you have to do it. It's true.

Speaker 1 Like getting, that's why I think if you can, if you can get yourself into a situation where there is something that you all have in common that draws you there, whether it's a trivia night or whatever, themed around something, then at least you have an icebreaker.

Speaker 1 There's something you can definitely use to start a conversation. If you have a job where there's five people who would go to a trivia game with you, invite all of them, even if you don't like it.

Speaker 1 And then two will be like, fuck this and fuck you. Yeah.
And then you'll weave them out. If anyone says, fuck you, they're not.
That's such a negative perception.

Speaker 1 People in offices. Yeah, because maybe they're cool.
Did you ever work at an office? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I worked in the warehouse of one. Where are the warehouse? The warehouse of one.
For example, Earwolf is an office, and I've met many

Speaker 1 people there. Yeah.
And they are friends with each other. Well, the booth.

Speaker 1 Maybe the problem is you. Fuck that.

Speaker 1 But basing friends around your common interests is really good because it gives you something to talk about. And then whenever there's like a thing that comes up, you can go do together.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Where if it's music, it's like, hey, these people are playing and you go do it. If it's films, it's like, oh, this movie's playing somewhere and you can go do that.
If it's

Speaker 1 some sort of athletic activity, it's like, hey, on this weekend, even if it's just hiking, like, hey, do you want to go on a hike this weekend? I need some more exercise.

Speaker 1 Like, it's that easy to say that to someone that you kind of enjoy now did i ask someone if they wanted to go hang out with me once that i that was i thought was a work friend that could transition into real friend yeah and he shut me down immediately wow what did he say we're work friends like he was just like no i don't think so Wow, pretty honest.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 you know what? I phased that person out of my life because I don't need that kind of shit. It sounded like they phased you out immediately.
They said, we're not friends. We're not friends like that.

Speaker 1 You want to hang out sometime? No. I'm going to phase you out.

Speaker 1 I'm going to slowly but surely make it so that we don't ever hang out. You won't even realize it's happening.

Speaker 1 And that was Matthew McConaughey. All right.
Do we want to hear another one? I do. All right.

Speaker 1 Here we go. Anyway, hope you guys have to.
Hi, Freedom.

Speaker 3 My name's Jordan, longtime listener.

Speaker 3 I just wanted to know what each of your first concerts were that you went to

Speaker 3 and how that affected your ongoing concert experiences. I always think it's interesting

Speaker 3 learning what people's first concerts are.

Speaker 1 Oh, dude. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Have a good day. Bye.

Speaker 1 Who is that? Amber? Jordan. Amber?

Speaker 1 Amber alert. Jordan's on the phone.

Speaker 1 What about that fucking loud-ass elderly? Sylvia alert. Sylvia alert.
Jesus. Jesus Christ.
It's so sad. Just text me.
I don't need the big blaring noise. Text me.
You didn't get it?

Speaker 1 I don't know if I have it turned off.

Speaker 1 I had it turned off. What was your first concert, Lauren? It's, I don't, I don't want to offend the band, but I don't stand by it.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Um, Dispatch. Do you remember that band? Yeah.
It was kind of general. Yes.

Speaker 1 1-800 General Now. That's what they sing, yeah.

Speaker 1 Then they used it for the commercial. But my friend was really into it, and so we went.

Speaker 1 I didn't know the songs as well as other people did, which is why I feel like it's a tough first one because I wasn't fully inducted. You were interested, but but it was, was it fun to go?

Speaker 1 But I had a lot of fun and I bought a shirt and I wore the shirt all the time. And were you like, you know, they were good.
Of course, we had a great time. And

Speaker 1 I, in high school, I went to a lot of concerts. That's like, once that, once that broke with a seal of that, I had a lot of fun doing that.
Gotta be that S. Had a lot of fun doing that.

Speaker 1 Mine was

Speaker 1 a lot of fun.

Speaker 1 It feels

Speaker 1 good. In my teenage years, going to these musical experiences.
I did. I did used to enjoy such things.
My first concert was Squeeze. Pulling methods from a good one.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's good one.
That's great. Who do they play with? Who was Support? I don't remember who Support was,

Speaker 1 but it was really,

Speaker 1 it was really fun.

Speaker 1 Support. Is that what you call an opening band? I've never heard it called Support.
That's in English. Yeah.
Oh.

Speaker 1 Who compared that show?

Speaker 1 But it was great. It was the

Speaker 1 Hourglass era.

Speaker 1 That was your first, really. That was 1988.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. So you, you, I don't think I'd been to a concert before that, no.
Interesting. You were in

Speaker 1 like 20 or so.

Speaker 1 I would have been coming up on 20, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'll say this. I

Speaker 1 don't really like to go to big concerts.

Speaker 1 I don't like to stand. I'm a sit-down guy.
Yeah. And when it's packed, well, I think that time has passed for me for sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I never liked it.
I never liked it.

Speaker 1 I did at a certain point. We went to Lizzo maybe three years or so ago, back when people were still doing stuff.
And it was at the palladium.

Speaker 1 And it was one of those things where it's like you need to stake out your territory and it's going to be so packed that essentially you're just going to be like rocking back and forth on your feet all night.

Speaker 1 And it just tears me up. It sucks.
Nowadays, I would much rather just be in the way, way back

Speaker 1 where I have a little room to move around. When we went to see Prince that time, we were like way up in the noseblades and it was fucking great.
Yeah. And like, he was very far away.
Yeah, he's tiny.

Speaker 1 And so there's a screen there, but still you just watched

Speaker 1 as far away as he was.

Speaker 1 You could not take your eyes off him. That's cool.
Yeah, it was great. But I, yeah.

Speaker 1 I remember having a lot of fun seeing the strobes. That was a fun one.

Speaker 1 Which one? The strokes. That was a very fun one.
I remember going to see the pogues

Speaker 1 live, which a band that I love. The strobes.

Speaker 1 That's the pronounced.

Speaker 1 The strokes, cover band.

Speaker 1 Where they do strokes. No, it's not the best.
In the style of the pogues. And vice versa.
And then they switch it off, like American Buffalo style. No, True West.
True West.

Speaker 1 Although they did it with American Buffalo recently, I feel like, where everyone played the parts or something. Really? I feel like.
You mean this old play we were just reading from? Yeah, baby.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 But I did not realize that people moshed. So I got there early.

Speaker 1 I got like up front. Oh, wow.
When the opening band started. And I like made my way.
And I was like, this was kind of easy to get up here. Oh, no, no.
And then when they came out,

Speaker 1 everyone started going fucking crazy. And I was like,

Speaker 1 get me out of here. I don't like it.
I used to go to Christian concerts, which I don't really count

Speaker 1 because those were the only ones I was allowed to. But I sort of like Steve Taylor.
I talked about him on Monday episode. It's a good episode of Good Christian Fun.

Speaker 1 But my first real official concert I count is Oingo Boingo in 1985 at the Pacific Amphitheater. It might be on YouTube.
It was a good concert. Halloween night.
Halloween night.

Speaker 1 That's a fun thing to do on Halloween. It was really true.

Speaker 1 And my friend and I love Halloween.

Speaker 1 And we watched them.

Speaker 1 Did they play the Penguins Ballad or whatever from Batman 2?

Speaker 1 Yeah, which was weird because it hadn't come out for another four years.

Speaker 1 It'd be fun to write music like that, wouldn't it?

Speaker 1 Let's do it.

Speaker 1 And of course, I famously saw saw Billie Vera and the Beaters when I visited my sister

Speaker 1 in 1984. That's right out here, right? At a little Nacht club.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is it still there? I don't remember the club. I wish I remembered the name of the club.
I wonder if my sister remembers.

Speaker 1 But I wonder if it's a place like I've been to since. On the strip?

Speaker 1 Does she still live on the west coast? She lives in Germany. The country.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 she lives in München. That's so cool.
Have you ever been there? Not yet.

Speaker 1 We went before the pandemic. It was really cool.
I loved it. I would like, yeah, I would really like to go.
My dad said that was the most beautiful place he's ever seen. You know,

Speaker 1 Germany in general. And I was like, are you high right now?

Speaker 1 Was he? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Germany is cool.

Speaker 1 Germany's most beautiful. I mean, every time you see it in a movie, Germany's fucking ripped.
I mean, I am. Every time you see it in a movie, it's black and white.
There's like wire everywhere.

Speaker 1 People are shooting at each other. What movies are you watching?

Speaker 1 Bridge of Spot War 2 movies.

Speaker 1 Bitch, Gorbachev.

Speaker 1 wall.

Speaker 1 How mad must you have been if you were Gorbachev? Because you can't go on

Speaker 1 TV and say,

Speaker 1 no, I won't. I was going to do it anyway, you fucking asshole.
I'm not doing it because you said so. I'm doing it because I want to do it.
Because what? It was like three days later he did it?

Speaker 1 I can't remember. Was the timeline that close? Feels like it.
It feels like he just got, he was doing it for clout. Like, Reagan was like.
He already knew he was going to do it. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 He got intel like, hey, they're tearing down the wall. That's three days.
That is a baller move, I I gotta say,

Speaker 1 well, Mr. Gorbachev.
Oh, here's what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna go in there, and I'm gonna say, it's my idea.

Speaker 1 Come on,

Speaker 1 man, we're almost there. Come on, Lauren.
You want to take one more call? Yeah,

Speaker 1 don't say, come on. I'm doing great.
I just didn't know you're about. Oh, hi, Lauren.
Hi, Scott.

Speaker 1 This is Cormac out of Philadelphia. Cormick.
That's why I'm first. I have a question for you.

Speaker 1 What did you call your grandparents?

Speaker 1 for example i called my grandparents like i got on my dad's side i have uh mom mom and poppy and the other side my mom's side i have mom mom and papa

Speaker 1 two moms what did you call your grandparents you know what's weird i don't want to answer this

Speaker 1 why it feels too personal

Speaker 1 Well, mine are all dead, so I have no problem with it. It feels personal to me.
I don't know. It's okay.
You don't have to answer anything. You don't have to.
But what did you call it?

Speaker 1 Ours were very simple. It was grand.
My mother's side was grandmom and grandpa, and my father's side was granny and granddad. Aw, both my grandfathers died before I was born.
So I never met them. Wow.

Speaker 1 Mine were super simple. It was grandma, grandpa on both ends.
But

Speaker 1 then I had these relatives that I, because of what we called them, one was Nana, one was Tanti.

Speaker 1 Tanty. Why that?

Speaker 1 These were titles I came to find out of like, like, you know, mom, mom, or papa or whatever.

Speaker 1 These were titles, but I, but they were never explained to me of what their relationship was to me until later. So one was a great aunt.
Oh. And one was a great grandmother, I believe.

Speaker 1 And it was, I think that was Nana, and Tanti was my great aunt. And it was just like.

Speaker 1 very

Speaker 1 like, oh, okay, it feels like a nickname in a way. Yeah.
Yeah. You know?

Speaker 1 So yeah those were but i but but that was never explained to me so until i was like 12 it was like oh she's my great aunt oh they kept the truth from you yeah they hid everything from me parents lie and lauren i'm sorry but you're gonna end up lying too but who i already am who gets to decide

Speaker 1 who gets to lie to that baby all the time who is to decide what they're gonna be called well does

Speaker 1 i mean in my family now

Speaker 1 my grandparent, you know, the grandparents of my child have decided what they want to be called. Yes.
But I I don't know if that was how that always went. Like, I don't know.

Speaker 1 I feel like that's more current. Yeah, I think it is.

Speaker 1 And I think that it also, you can decide what you want to be called, but then ultimately it's kind of up to the baby, what the baby ends up being able to pronounce. Right.
Well, that's true.

Speaker 1 Like, like some of the names that we use now are based on what my nephew could say. Exactly.
Yeah. My sister, the aforementioned citizen person,

Speaker 1 German person,

Speaker 1 she could not say Aunt Aunt Rosalie was my aunt who lived next door. And so she was always Rero.
We called her Rero for a funny time.

Speaker 1 And I didn't realize, that's like one of the things you grow up with, and then eventually it is explained to you, like, right, why did we call it her name? Yeah, that's not her name.

Speaker 1 It's not her name. They call me Rero.

Speaker 1 All right, we have to take a break. We'll be right back.

Speaker 4 A BetterHelp ad.

Speaker 4 Life can get a little tough and even hectic during the holidays.

Speaker 4 This November, BetterHelp is encouraging everyone to reach out, to check in on your people, grab lunch with a friend you haven't seen in a while, or make that call to grandma.

Speaker 4 Reaching out to anyone can feel difficult, especially when we get used to relying on ourselves.

Speaker 4 And the same goes with reaching out to a therapist, but BetterHelp makes it easy with its therapist match commitment and over 12 years of experience in online therapy.

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Speaker 1 Hello, I'm Gretchen Rubin. And I'm Lori Gottlieb.
We're two friends, one, a happiness researcher, and the other, a therapist. And we are here to tackle the problems of everyday life with all of you.

Speaker 1 From big issues to small, we'll share advice and fresh perspectives. And we'll also highlight responses from you, our listeners, to the questions we discuss.

Speaker 1 Whether it's that pet peeve that's been bugging you for years, a tricky dilemma, or just something you've always wondered about, we'll talk it through.

Speaker 1 The Since You Ask podcast from Lemonata Media premieres on September 23rd, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 1 Welcome back to the show.

Speaker 1 Welcome back.

Speaker 1 Welcome back to the show.

Speaker 1 I love your natural voice. What if my voice?

Speaker 1 I don't think you would ever work if your voice was like that. Never?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Or maybe you would work more. Who knows? You know, when I think about Vin Diesel playing Groot, it bothers me sometimes.
Yeah, because it's just a simple line,

Speaker 1 and it could be anyone. And so someone should have

Speaker 1 been getting a lot of money.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 Paul, the Guardians of the Galaxy were not considered to be popular characters. So it was like telling people, like, oh, here's another interesting fact about them.

Speaker 1 And cumulatively, the effect was, oh, okay, I'll go see that movie. And then people enjoyed it.
I think they had enough. I think they had enough.
Without,

Speaker 1 yes. What about Bradley Cooper? Exactly.
What about him? He did. Well, he had to do more acting.
So I get like, okay, that's why you get it. That character was really involved.

Speaker 1 He had pain and suffering. But if you watch the videos, Vin Diesel's doing the most to make Groot happen.
He wore stilts in the recording.

Speaker 1 That was so fucking stupid. I know, I know why.

Speaker 1 It is very stupid. I could not believe that when I saw it.
Unecessary. Yeah.
And then he did it in every language. Yeah.
I like that. No.
Now there's more people you're taking work away from.

Speaker 1 Soy group. Yeah.
Because the amount of money that would be made from each one of those recordings.

Speaker 1 And if you spread that around to 20 other people who could do those, that'd be nice. My name is Group.
I think it's nice.

Speaker 1 I think it's nice when the actor who does it.

Speaker 1 But I like that he made an effort. He made an effort to do it in other languages.

Speaker 1 When I was a a kid, and you'd get like a toy, and you could tell it was obviously not whoever did the that is true, that is true.

Speaker 1 But then, if the other languages are not being dubbed by everyone else in the film, then it's kind of like who cares?

Speaker 1 Look, if you get a job, I'll never let go of my rage.

Speaker 1 Find a job, take it.

Speaker 1 Like, you pull a string and then make some money. Hey, young Skywalker.

Speaker 1 Hey, Skywalker.

Speaker 1 Hey, are you my son?

Speaker 1 Very different take on Dorothy. Space villain.
That's what the name of the box said. All right.
Are we ready? Yeah.

Speaker 1 We're about to do a three-chir. Yeah, it's three-chir time.
Yeah. And if you're not ready for this, I advise you to sit down, shut your trap, and open your ears as wide as you can.

Speaker 1 Call your relatives, tell them that, look, you might not be coming home ever. Because this is going to blow your fucking mind.
I know you're not sitting down at home. Sit down wherever you are.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sit down. If you're in the middle of the subway, sit down

Speaker 1 i dreamed last night i was on a boat to heaven

Speaker 1 i dreamed i met a galilee

Speaker 1 a most amazing man

Speaker 1 this is a guy

Speaker 1 and what a beard it was please let him finish paul what a beard it was his name was jesus paul let him finish don't interrupt

Speaker 1 la la la la la what's the game we play a three chair. I wait for Lauren to ask me the musical question.
By the time we do our last episode, Laura's sitting there, arms folded.

Speaker 1 That's

Speaker 1 hands folded. That's true.
I'm being very polite. She has her hands folded in her leg.
She's polite to the point of like, get this fucking over with. No, it's not true.
I've been offering a police.

Speaker 1 Polite to the point of seething resentment. Just play the game.
That does sound like you're having fun.

Speaker 1 This game was submitted by Dominic. Dominic Toretto?

Speaker 1 But see, you guys know things I don't know. You gotta watch the Fast and Furious movie.
You've simply got to. I watched two of them, and now I know this reference.
I watched one, and I don't care.

Speaker 1 This is submitted by Dominic. No last name gives you one? I know, I watched the ninth one because I did as a guest on my own podcast.

Speaker 1 This is a game called Skip Five Seconds. I'm a podcast or podcast myself.

Speaker 1 This game is called Skip Five Seconds. Okay.

Speaker 1 One person. I'd like to skip 20 minutes.
What's called on the moderator? Okay, goodbye, everybody.

Speaker 1 One person, let's say they're the moderator, proposes. Let's say you're the moderator.
Okay, let's say it. They propose a topic for debate.

Speaker 1 The other two improvise a debate, and at any time the moderator can say five seconds later, and the debate. Okay,

Speaker 1 are you listening? Yes.

Speaker 1 Because now I have to start off at the beginning. No! This is submitted by Dominic.
It's called skip five seconds. One person.

Speaker 1 Let's call them the moderator. We hate it.
Proposes a topic for debate. Let's call them the moderator.
The other two. Got gotta go back to the beginning now.
This is called skip five seconds.

Speaker 1 It's submitted by Dominic. One person, let's call them the moderator.
Shut up. Proposes a topic for debate.
The other two improvise a debate.

Speaker 1 At any time, the moderator can say five seconds later, and the debaters jump five seconds into the future, making references to whatever was said during those missing seconds.

Speaker 1 After three time skips, the debaters must bring the topic to a conclusion. Now, five seconds doesn't sound like a lot, but let's count it out right now.

Speaker 1 One. Oh,

Speaker 1 okay. All right.
Five. Five.

Speaker 1 Four.

Speaker 1 Seven.

Speaker 1 Two.

Speaker 1 Two.

Speaker 1 Three.

Speaker 1 Nine.

Speaker 1 Five.

Speaker 1 Two. Nine.

Speaker 1 Nine. So see? See? Yeah.
All right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's quite a lot of time. Actually, this is quite quite a lot of time.

Speaker 1 I was actually thinking

Speaker 1 quite a lot could be.

Speaker 1 Actually, look,

Speaker 1 quite a lot could be said in a lot of time. Quite a lot could be said in that time.

Speaker 1 Quite a lot could happen in five seconds.

Speaker 1 How much time did it take for them to stab Caesar to death? Probably five seconds.

Speaker 1 At two, brutal.

Speaker 1 At two, brute.

Speaker 1 At two, three,

Speaker 1 five,

Speaker 1 four, three, three. Brute.

Speaker 1 True. Brute.

Speaker 1 All right. So

Speaker 1 I'll be the moderator.

Speaker 1 Brute.

Speaker 1 Chante.

Speaker 1 Ooh, bruté.

Speaker 1 Ooh, brute. Okay, so I'll be the moderator.
Okay. And the topic that you shall debate is.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be pro, whatever it is. You're going to be con, whatever.
Sure.

Speaker 1 Me? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 Global warming. Global warming.
Your debate starts now. Look, the world's temperature changes.
That's just what it is. Like, for instance, during the winter, it's usually cold.
Hold on.

Speaker 1 I'm going to make it a dumb topic. Why? Let's make it fun.
Yeah, let's make it fun. Come on.
Good idea.

Speaker 1 You're aing me.

Speaker 1 Because I was doing a good job.

Speaker 1 That was just a bonus for me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The topic is, are there too many koalas in the city center? All right. I'm pro this.
I'm con there are too many? Yeah. You don't want to.
You think there are too many? You think there's

Speaker 1 a great enough. I think there's not enough.

Speaker 1 All right. And your debate begins now.
All right. So I went down to the city center the other day, and you know what? Everywhere I looked, there was a koala.
And I was like, this is so cute.

Speaker 1 I showed them to my kids. I showed them to my grandparents and nothing in between.

Speaker 1 And I thought that, you know, there's a perfect amount of koalas here right now because if there were less koalas and okay, that's your time, Mr. Hockerman? Ms.
Lebnis?

Speaker 1 Well, I completely disagree, obviously. Not only because I was told to, but because I actually do.
I think there are too many koalas in the city center.

Speaker 1 I cannot go shopping without one of them crawling into my shopping bag and biting my hand and giving me chlamyd.

Speaker 1 I will not live this way. I don't want anyone to be at risk.
They spread illness and they are.

Speaker 1 And that's why.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, look,

Speaker 1 I didn't like part of it. It's just referred to things.
I didn't

Speaker 1 refer to it. Okay.
I didn't like when

Speaker 1 I didn't like when you just talked about how you loved having chlamydia because it made sure that no men wanted to have sex with you. Right.
Because I think you didn't love that. I didn't love that.

Speaker 1 Counterpoint, I did.

Speaker 1 Well, I didn't. Five seconds later.
I cannot believe you just called me that. I literally, someone arrest him? Like, are you allowed to say that anymore? He's allowed to say that.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 In a debate forum, it's like, oh, wow. I can yell fire in a crowded theater if I wanted to, too.

Speaker 1 I wish you wouldn't. First Amendment.
Fire. No one believes you, obviously.
No one's going to be able to do that. Everyone please.

Speaker 1 Fire!

Speaker 1 No one should be getting up because

Speaker 1 five seconds away.

Speaker 1 Anyway, I thought it was really strange that you just kissed me right then. You have chlamydia.
I don't want it. Look, it's just, it's unprofessional, first of all.

Speaker 1 During a debate, we're supposed to be on opposite sides. I was trying to prove a point regarding the ways in which I am a great kisser.
Now. let me count the ways.
Okay, you used way too much tongue.

Speaker 1 You

Speaker 1 had to moderator. Five seconds later.
Okay, now you have to wrap your closing arguments, please.

Speaker 1 Long story short, I feel like it's very clear that we don't want koalas in the city center. They're causing much havoc.
And they're completely unruly, and they should be in conservatories.

Speaker 1 Short story long. I think koalas are rad.
I think the more that we see them, they're cute. I think that we can eat them if there ever becomes too many of a problem.

Speaker 1 I think you just said it's time for our things. Yeah, I did, but that's still the anytime that's five seconds later.
I gave up.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 This one sucks anyway.

Speaker 1 I think it can be good.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 if you were to do it, it could be good. Yes, you'd be the moderator, Scott.
Oh,

Speaker 1 it was a tough topic.

Speaker 1 The topic is:

Speaker 1 are

Speaker 1 plastic bags too dangerous to be floating around on this

Speaker 1 on the surface of the ocean? Fun.

Speaker 1 Look, we all know what's going on out there. The plastic bags are covering the entire surface of the ocean, allowing zero sunlight to go down.

Speaker 1 And animals are eating plastic and rotting from the inside out. Their insides are lined with target bags.
How could you possibly think that's a good thing? See, I knew you were going to say that.

Speaker 1 And what I think is wonderful about this is it's keeping down the population of these apes.

Speaker 1 The Lincoln assassination is a direct result of these creatures. And anyone who's patriotic will be...
What's your time, sir, now?

Speaker 1 To, do you not know my name? It's Brenda.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 And my name is. Have I ever met? I have a name tag on my podium, whatever.

Speaker 1 Doesn't matter. It just seemed like you were looking for my name and you couldn't couldn't figure it out.
You were like, and back to dot dot dot. She'll just stop talking.
This is not.

Speaker 1 This is part of it.

Speaker 1 I don't care. It's not turning against my name.
No, sorry. So if you're trying to run out the clock, it's not working because I'm starting right now.
I'm not.

Speaker 1 And I don't care when you started it because

Speaker 1 now I'm starting right now. It doesn't matter when you started it.
I'm going to get a debate because it just doesn't matter. Now I'm starting.

Speaker 1 And it doesn't matter if it was then, now, then, then, what, then?

Speaker 1 And I'm starting. Plastic bags.
Five seconds later.

Speaker 1 If you look into the eyes of any child over the age of 10

Speaker 1 you will see the remnants of the ancient stingray that once enveloped the world and now when you look into their eyes you see the remnants of plastic bags that being that they're being carried home from the hospital and because we have so many of them yeah and that's better i'm saying it's actually not it's actually very dark and very bad because what's gonna happen though what you're gonna see is that we're gonna have a world enveloped by plastic and that everything is gonna be covered in plastic and we're gonna have a whole brenda why did you bring a bed out on stage

Speaker 1 did you are you talking to me no brenda sorry oh i'm sorry yeah you're brendan everything's gonna be sorry why are why you're curling up and the plastic is up with it there and it's all gone

Speaker 1 and that was how did he

Speaker 1 day that would

Speaker 1 five seconds later and that's what i mean because you know when you see that go down you understand the point you see how the act out helps time thank you for waking her up brendan

Speaker 1 I want to thank everyone who helped resuscitate me.

Speaker 1 I don't know what happened. That's never happened to me during a debate before.
And yeah, why were you talking during it? I'm sorry that everyone had to see that,

Speaker 1 especially the inside part of me.

Speaker 1 It's unprofessional, and I apologize.

Speaker 1 All right, time. And now for your apology, Brenda.
I'm really sorry to everyone out there who I harmed with my language and actions. This is about stuff from the past.

Speaker 1 I just gotta use this platform to kind of say, I did some stuff that wasn't great.

Speaker 1 I didn't mean it like that. Everyone misinterpreted me.
I didn't mean it like that. 30 more seconds.
That I get to keep talking? Yeah. Great.

Speaker 1 I miss my family. I do.
And if you're out there watching this, I regret it all. I regret throwing out all my kids' toys to teach him a lesson.

Speaker 1 I regret throwing out my husband's clothes to teach him a lesson. And I regret taking the gas out of the car and siphoning it into a little bucket that I was.
20 more seconds.

Speaker 1 Just to create a sort of kombucha-like flavor that I was creating to slowly poison my husband. I didn't mean to do that.
Hold on. Did you just admit to poisoning your husband? I tried to.

Speaker 1 Well, he died. We have always wanted.
I wanted that.

Speaker 1 How did he die again?

Speaker 1 Chose.

Speaker 1 Choads?

Speaker 1 Chuck it on a choad.

Speaker 1 And closing arguments. And that's why that is how it is.

Speaker 1 And again, folks,

Speaker 1 that time machine, I cannot, it was for demonstration purposes only. I cannot take you back to see your dead grandparents.

Speaker 1 That would be in violation of time law, and I don't want to be in trouble with the time cops.

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 rest my cake. I give it to him.
You're just

Speaker 1 forfeiting. You're conceding.
I was going to say, I secede.

Speaker 1 You're seceding from the United States of America. I secede.
I secede. I secede.

Speaker 1 So you're a nation under yourself. I am.

Speaker 1 What's your money going to be called? Doublings. Doublings? Doublings.
Doublings? Doublings.

Speaker 1 And so doublings. And

Speaker 1 what's your country called?

Speaker 1 Number one city. Number one city is your country.
God damn it. That's good.
God damn it. It's really jealous.
Fuck. I was thinking of seceding.

Speaker 1 And that's how you play that game. Hey!

Speaker 1 We did it. We did four out of the game.
Listen,

Speaker 1 if you want to send us a three-church, write to us at

Speaker 1 threedomusagmail.com. Three-mail.
Why didn't didn't we get three mail it's a mad

Speaker 1 it did no somebody else has it did up it did up so write to us at threedomusa gmail.com we're threedomusa on twitter and instagram uh and our phone number if you'd like to call us is haha laimpu you figure it out you figure out what to do it out

Speaker 1 we figure it out With a pencil and a pad, you figure it out. Scott, would you like me to find my advice?

Speaker 1 Every day. Well, okay.

Speaker 1 Here's the deal. I'm going to be straight straight with you.
Thanks, man. I'm going to cut through all the BS.
Oh, my God. He's sitting in his chair back.

Speaker 1 He turned his hat forwards.

Speaker 1 He turned his front upside down. And his shoes are on the opposite feet.

Speaker 1 This guy should sing. It's absolutely insane.

Speaker 1 But look, look, you don't want to listen to these ads that we have all over the place.

Speaker 1 But look, look.

Speaker 1 There's too many ads at this show, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Every three seconds, it's like, ad for this, add for that.

Speaker 1 i know your thumb is broken from hitting the 30 forward we're in demand to do these ads and we get it so we have a solution for you if you want to hear ad-free episodes of the show go over to stitcher premium or or you can go to cbb world and there's the ad-free versions that way like you don't hear us talking about mattresses or whatever the we're talking about you can just hear us talking about this

Speaker 1 yeah And that's so much better because you don't have to fast forward. And isn't that nice? And don't you deserve it? You deserve it.
Aren't you a nice boy? Okay. And aren't you daddy's brave boy?

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 you took your booster shot and you didn't even cry.

Speaker 1 And now here's a little ice cream as a treat for you. And you've never eaten it before.
You can have a little salami taste. As a treat.

Speaker 1 Just a little salami.

Speaker 1 Anyway.

Speaker 1 We have two more episodes before our season's done.

Speaker 1 And believe me, the next two, you're not going to want to miss it. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 We're going to tie everything together.

Speaker 1 Let's do scenes. It's going to be like endgame.
We're gonna make it make sense, all of it. We should do some coming attractions for it coming up in the last two episodes of Threedom.

Speaker 1 I didn't say that. Stop saying I said that.
That's not what I said. I don't want to be your friend anymore.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're really? You're that agreement? You broke my thumb.

Speaker 1 Everybody needs to get

Speaker 1 a pad and paper. Oh, look, a whale.
Take a chill pill.

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 got the clue.

Speaker 1 Double rainbow.

Speaker 1 Belegda.

Speaker 1 And the floor is covered in dog hair for some reason. Hoo-wah.

Speaker 1 That's a clip. That boy, that's what a clip.
I got a lot to look forward to. Thanks for editing that, Kevin.
I can't believe we lived through that. Boy, I know.
We will.

Speaker 1 You're not going to want to miss those episodes. So come back for our very exciting final two episodes of the season.
It's a two-part season finale. That's right.
Maybe series finale. Who knows?

Speaker 1 Who knows? We don't know yet.

Speaker 1 We should probably find out. Yeah.
Before we do those. Okay.
Well, anyway, goodbye. And

Speaker 1 good luck. Good luck.
And good night. And good morrow.
Good night. Bye.

Speaker 1 Are you team Batman or Spider-Man? Is the ultimate dish pizza or tacos? Smash Boom Best will help settle those debates and so many more.

Speaker 1 Every episode, we take two cool things, smash them together, and we see which one is best. Debaters use facts, jokes, stories, and more to argue for their side, and it's all judged by a teenager.

Speaker 1 Because who is better at judging than a teen? It's fun, it's weirdly informative. It's Smash Boom Best.
Get it wherever you get your podcasts.