Threevisiting: Honey Bee Same as Bumble Me?

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I'll see you in your dreams.

Hey, it's me, Steve Burns, and I'm so glad you're here because you and I go way back, right?

Yeah, and look at us now.

Like, we're all grown up.

We've got this new podcast where we talk about all this grown-up stuff, and there's special guests like Jamie Lee Curtis and Bill Nye.

But for the most part, it's about you.

I mean, it's always been about you.

From Lemonada Media, a live with Steve Burns is coming September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts, or you can watch every episode on YouTube.

Freedom!

That is the name of the show.

Oh, that is the name of the show, and we are the people that make the show happen.

I'm Missy Misdemeanor Elliott.

I'm Missy Misdemeanor Elliott the second.

And I'm Missy Misdemeanor Elliott III, coming at you live.

We are a family of Missy Misdemeanor Elliots, and we are proud to give you this podcast.

Put us together, we're a felony.

That's right.

Three mythometers?

Three strike pleasures.

Have you ever been stung by a delifish?

No.

Do you want to?

Yeah, I desperately want to.

Because I have one pretty good one.

Did you say I was going to throw one at him?

Well, I just want someone to pee on me.

Apparently, that's not the solution, just everyone knows.

I recently learned that that actually doesn't do anything.

So stop doing it.

Who was the person who suggested it in the first place?

A prankster?

I got a piss on you.

That'll solve it.

In your face.

I mean, I really read that.

It's not a thing.

That's wild.

I didn't say I really read that because

you really read that.

I have no idea where I heard that.

Say a jellyfish stings you.

Okay.

Okay.

There's nothing around for miles and miles.

Someone says, like, look, let me try the whole pissing on you thing.

You're telling me you're going to say, like, no, I read it's not a thing.

I'm in horrible pain.

I would let somebody on

someone piss on me for sure, just to see.

Who would you let piss on you?

Mike?

Well, if it was, it depends on who I was with.

You know, if it was with someone that I reviled, i probably wouldn't want them to piss on me because i have that over someone right well you know maybe like we got lost on a road trip and we're stuck in the middle of nowhere we fell in the ocean and i i got a jellyfish thing and then i hate that person and i'm so sick of them and then they go i only piss on you and i go i'm gonna fucking kick your ass but someone this is like for a movie it's crap it feels like a good movie someone that you're like feel medium about like oh they're not my friend they're mike pence I'd ask them to put their piss in a cup and then I'd pour it on myself.

I'll take care of this.

Thank you.

Well,

can your own piss not do it?

Well, I don't know if that's the case.

It's not always easy to get the piss to where it needs to go.

That's social.

Well, for

literally, is your deer.

Well, I guess if I got stuck on my ankle, I could just pee right on that.

Yeah.

But if you got stuck on your hand, you could pee on that.

What can you not?

No, my hand can't reach.

Oh, I love it.

Oh, no.

You've never wiped.

I love this game.

What can you not pee on?

I couldn't pee on my own butt.

I couldn't pee on my own back.

What if you're upside down?

I guess guess I'd have to hang upside down, pee, hope that it runs.

If you were trapped by someone who kidnapped you and they hung you upside down, you would have to pee on your own back.

To get the jellyfish thing off?

No, there's no jellyfish.

I'm going to roast them out, so they'd let you go.

Yeah.

She's crazy.

Well, can we talk about my bee sting for a second?

This is older.

The one that happened a month ago?

Let's get into old business and then we'll get into new business.

I was having a delightful time at Disneyland.

You got stung at Disneyland?

That's

a bee was on my, I kind of felt something on my hand and I looked down and a bee was just kind of living

like a yellow jacket.

A big, a big, big, fluffy, but not a bumblebee.

It was just a fluffer.

It was a, it wasn't a.

I feel like you're inventing a category of bee.

It was a thick bee.

Oh, thick.

With two C's, yes.

Two C's and two E's.

And I started slapping it onto my nephew.

I was like,

I was like trying to get it off and like using him as like leverage to kick it off my hand.

And then it was literally sticking its fucking ass into me as I was doing that and stinging me and it was horrible.

Did it sting you more than once?

No,

it just stung me really hard and then the stinger was in my hand.

This is why you always carry a flower.

I guess it's a bumblebee.

Did it have the little ball on the end?

I don't know.

That's the abdomen?

You always carry a flower because that way you can lure the bee to the flower.

I should have done that.

Anyway, it was kind of dramatic, but everything was fine.

But it's one of those flowers that squirts water so that when it lands on it, you just squirt it.

So the bee is humiliating.

Oh, that's funny.

Or does it shrink down?

Like, it's even smaller than a bee.

What is smaller than a bee?

Nothing.

I can't think they have one thing.

Why?

Does he die?

No.

The idea that bees, that's it.

That bumblebees thinner.

They can

thinner.

The idea that bumblebees, their big move is to sting, but then they it kills them.

I know.

Just fly away.

But is that not Truval bees?

No, I don't think so.

really i thought all bees i thought yellow jackets can sting you and be like ha ha see i sort of think that's why it was a yellow jacket that i killed in my home recently

um because it looked different it looks really evil it had a really evil like a yellow

i'm gonna google what a yellow jacket is because i thought i told you the story of when i was running on those wood chips and i thought i got

those wood chips and i thought i got stung by a million uh yellow jackets do you think the show will pop up first in your google search well i typed in yellow jwc r y e let's see

okay and it said yellow jacket now here i'm looking at it it's yep yep that's definitely definitely what i got it's like a line because you know why

it's like five bees standing evil evil

yeah i hate evil energy too i hate looks so mean they love soda it's sticking its butt out god they love soda

when we were they love soda

look and see if they can sting and remain alive because i think they can okay when we were in thailand we we were in our hotel room and we pulled the drapes and right outside the window, hanging from the above balcony was the most giant, probably as big as your torso, like

hive.

It's big as my torso?

Yeah.

That's multiple feet.

Can I just say

but bulbous, unlike your torso?

Thank you so much.

All right, wait, so real quickly.

So it was a hive hanging outside the window.

Honey bees

die after stinging.

no other bee now that actually pisses me off that's i need to see a picture of a honey bee okay honey so what what is it about the honey bee that makes them die because they're filled with honey they're so full of honey they're like kill me please kill me i beg of you

i ate too much

i found no it was definitely

it was definitely a honey bee that stung me at disneyland it was furry it was kind of fluffy and it did die moments after it was on the ground writhing in pain, agony, missing its stinger that it wasted on my hand.

Then, what about I thought, so a bumblebee can sting you and keep on living, or is a bumblebee just another name for a bump?

I thought a bumming, a bumming bee, I thought a bumblebee was the same as a honey bee.

Well, that's what I'm asking right now.

Yeah, if you would ever listen to me,

I'm crying out for your attention.

Okay, look up.

Honey bee, I said honeybee, same as bumblebee.

Actually, I actually should put in honeybee, same as bumble knee.

Okay, what came up?

They're different.

A honeybee looks like this, and a bumblebee looks like this.

Huh?

Honeybee has sort of a yellow, but it's it's more mixed brown, sort of like black.

Bumblebee, straight up, very thick yellow, very thick, black, very thick yellow, and very fluffy indeed.

And like a sweater that Sting wore in Newcastle.

Honeybee looks a little meaner than the bumblebee.

So what is the church?

What are the bumblebees?

They're very far away.

Okay.

Is a bumblebee the one that does the pollen?

They look similar, though.

They do look similar.

But the honeybees are

muted colors.

Honeybees have been muted.

That's on you scientifiers.

Yeah, why are you bothering?

Why do you ever listen to this joke?

Like, the bumblebee is more black with pops of yellow, whereas the honeybee is like kind of brown because the yellow is mixing into the black.

Yeah, fun.

Yeah.

So I got sung by a bee.

And I don't want any of them around.

I got sung by a honeybee because I remember the stinger in my arm with like the little ball on it that was its abnormal yeah that yeah that's so gross it's gross i've been stung by a bee

that's sick three times i think really in my life three only three once when i was 10 or so

and you don't know at that point if you're allergic or not so they tell you to go to the office go to the nurse school nurse what does the school nurse do all day are they busy you know what they do all day they put that's our healthcare they put ice cubes into brown paper towels put them into sandwich bags and tie them up to be.

I really wonder, though, like you have to be there and on call and keep it.

I'm sure there's people coming in all fucking day.

Do you know how many times I went to the nurse just complaining?

Four.

All the time.

I'd go, my head hurts because I don't like math.

You're abusing the system.

This is what I mean.

My head really would, if my head really would hurt.

What percentage of a school nurse's cases that they take on are fake?

Like kids trying to get it.

But my head really did hurt.

50?

But only because I hated it so much.

I'm going to say 95%.

95%, right?

about that being your job.

I don't think I ever went to the school nurse.

First of all, in my grade school, I don't know that we had one.

We kidding you there all the time.

Yeah.

But that's, think about that being your job where 95% of the people you talk to are bullshitting you.

Thank you for accepting my statistic immediately.

I know.

Well, it's kind of sweet of them to like humor the kids.

Yeah, but you've got to know every time someone walks in, they're like, fuck, here comes another lie.

If I were a school nurse, I would send the kids home.

Every single time.

Yeah.

What do you give a shit?

Like they cut their finger.

I'd say, here's a bandit.

You also should go home.

Yeah.

But what?

Okay, I don't care.

They made their decision.

I'm child-free by choice, baby.

I'm child-free by choice.

At what level of care?

Child-free by choice.

I'm child

CFBC, child-free by choice.

It's a community.

It's a committee.

A community of lonely people.

It's a dedicated world.

We have each other.

We get together and we talk about how great it is we don't have kids.

And have sex.

Yeah.

Okay.

We also have sex with each other.

And try to make babies.

Everybody, yeah, and it it never happens.

We're all lying.

And we're desperately sad.

So, at what level of care are school nurses authorized to give?

They're allowed to do surgery, and they're allowed to do brains.

They can make incisions, but they can't close them up.

But, like, if someone cuts off their hand, I think they call 911.

911.

There had to be, in shop class, there had to be a school nurse just sitting there waiting for people to come.

Oh, man, I used to pray.

I did wood shop, and

I made a few things that were really wonderful.

You know, I was really good at it.

Yeah.

I made a puzzle.

I made

a jigsaw.

You know what's great about a puzzle is that when you make it, it's always right.

Like, it's not like good or bad.

It's like you just cut it however you want, and then that, yeah, it fits together.

That's somebody else's problem.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

I made a little box.

How many pieces of the puzzle?

Sorry.

How many pieces in this puzzle?

I bet you it was probably nine.

You know, like a little.

Well, you're working with the jigsaw.

I never got to do it.

I never got to do it.

Yeah.

Well, yeah.

You have to work with the jigsaw to make a jigsaw puzzle.

But she didn't say a jigsaw puzzle.

I can still smell the wood shop now.

I made a wooden Sudoku.

What about those puzzles, you know, where it's eight things in a nine whole thing and you, you know, slide puzzle.

You know what I like?

There's this game that we have that's really fun.

I would like to recommend it.

It's called Color Coo, and it's like Sudoku, but color.

So it's, it's basically a,

I'm going to be like I explained baseball.

It's a

wooden tray that has little scooped out little divots.

And

basically, wherever there would be a number on a Sudoku, there's a hole.

And you put a colored ball, and you can't have the same color going in the same, you know what I mean?

Is it the same amount of squares as a Sudoku?

It's very, yeah.

Nine per box.

Yes, and then nine boxes.

Interesting.

And it's really fun.

I actually don't like Sudoku, but I like this.

So do you start with

colors already in there or you have to construct it gives you puzzles, so like you have to set it up to look like the picture and then you have to solve it.

Now, I wasn't listening to how this game is played because I was thinking of something else, which I want to share with you right away.

This was a thing that I forgot to include in the description of Finnish Baseball.

Okay.

Which is...

This is, wow, from a previous episode.

Yes.

Which episode is that?

We're still in old business.

So

the batting helmets that they wear look like the helmets that they put on babies when their heads need to be reshaped.

In Finland?

Yeah.

Wow.

Maybe they all, I mean, Finland,

don't they?

Maybe they know more about how it should really be.

It's part of their national identity.

Yeah.

If you're listening to us recently, the softest heads.

I don't want to apologize for my accent work, which was flawless, I'm assuming.

Yeah, of course.

Corinne, what are you thinking about?

ColorCube?

Why do you like that instead of Sudoku?

Because it's colors instead of numbers.

That's the only difference.

I don't know.

For some reason, well, I've never really, I've only tried Sudoku a couple times and felt very like, I don't really get what I'm doing here.

I'm messing it up.

It's the exact same as color.

I know.

But I actually, I was looking at ColorCoo yesterday and going, maybe I would be good at Sudoku if I could do this.

Yeah, you probably would.

Because it's not addition or anything like that.

It's literally just telling me exactly what you're doing with it.

It is.

It's just that it.

Is Sudoku numbers?

Yeah.

Yeah, but you're not adding them together.

I've never done that.

You just need one of each in each row and

a line or whatever you call it.

Yeah.

In each box and in each line.

Vertically and a horizontally.

Vertically and horizontally.

And boxes, lines, and rows.

I'm out.

Yeah, it's too many.

Which one would you prefer they get rid of?

Boxes.

I think the boxes, yeah.

Lines and rows.

You know, and it's like, why are we in a box?

It makes me feel bad for the numbers.

I do feel bad.

But I love the game and it's a fun game.

And I recommend it as a fun little, like, you know, sort of put it on the dining room table, like revisit it, come back, or sit down for a night of fun fun with your you know friend is this a game in a box it's in a box i think it would be hard to put it down walk away revisit like if i'm if i'm doing a game i want to finish i agree you know

yeah you you know i also used to really love doing puzzles i was looking at all my puzzles that i was obsessed with pre-pandemic and pandemic times and i was like That's that's a different world for me.

Yeah, you're no longer into puzzles.

Well, I with a baby not only are the pieces crazy She'll they'll get lost.

She'll put them them in their mouth.

Yeah.

I don't have the time to sit there and do it.

And when I'm done at the end of the day, I don't want to fucking do a puzzle.

Yeah.

You want to be

in the raise.

You want to blaze up.

Absolutely.

Smoke yourself.

Well, I want to play with all her toys because she was like taking all their, you know, she was hogging them all day.

And I was like, I didn't get to do it.

Oh, no.

Does she have a favorite toy?

She really is into musical instruments right now.

And then she likes to

crawl around like holding things.

So she likes to hold.

She'll get attached to one thing at a time.

But like she loves water bottle tops, like from like my reusable water bottle.

And she also does too, to be fair.

I got her like a bunch of big magnets that she could safely play with on the fridge at her height.

And she really likes that.

What are they of?

You told me she spelled out the word Satan, right?

Yeah.

She used these animals and spelled out the word Satan.

And it was actually amazing.

Snake.

Ass.

Tarantula.

It made a lot of sense.

I'm trying to think of an N animal.

An N animal?

Nerve.

Nerve damage.

There's got to be one.

I used to have.

Narwhal.

Narwhal.

I used to have a book that had,

you know,

a children's book that was a children's book for every letter had one.

Every letter had one.

And then I bet you forgot it was Narwhal.

I remember a book when I was a kid that I saw,

it was advertised on TV, and my mom got it for us.

And it was a book that used essentially it was like pictograms to help you memorize the state capitals.

Oh, Mike and I worked on that during the pandemic, actually.

Did you really?

Yeah.

How'd you do?

We got to a point where we knew them all and we knew where all the states were because there are some states that I just have never really retained exactly which one's which.

Like

what's the capital of California?

Sacramento.

Whoa, she does know all of them.

I know.

What's capital of Chicago?

Illinois.

Capital of Chicago.

But here's the thing.

I remember that book, and it was very, like,

the idea is it would be an illustration and then like a little sentence that was like a story that would help you remember.

Like a mnemonic device.

Yes.

So like I remember there was for Indianapolis, there was a it was a picture of a flagpole with like a Native American

laying on it horizontally on the top.

And like the

part of the percentage was

an Indian taking a nap on a pole, no less.

So you would remember Indian apples.

Look, it worked because you remember that.

That's the only one I remember.

I don't remember any of these.

Because it's honestly the weirdest Native American we could ever do.

I remember these commercials.

I loved that book, though, but I'm mad that I don't remember.

I wish you still had it.

I wish you would give us copies of it.

What did you give us copies of recently?

The Book of Lists.

Oh, yeah, the Book of Lists.

Paul,

Paul.

Wait, I want to say that.

I don't remember every gift.

Do you ever remember these commercials?

I don't think that you would remember them, but so I said this the other day.

I was like, Kulip, did you give me this?

She's like, I don't know.

It's like, you forget.

Yeah.

There was this commercial when I was growing up that was called, it was for a, I did not say it like that.

You did.

I almost said commercial?

Commercial.

You said commercial.

Commercial.

There was a commercial.

Commercial.

There was a commercial.

There was a commercial.

Commercial.

There was a commercial for

this French learning

called Muzzy, I think.

And it would be like this, it's sort of a cartoon of these little like, and I was like, un de trois.

And it was like, I'm learning French.

And it's like you would watch it.

It's just familiar.

Yeah.

Keep going, keep going.

And I just remember.

And it would play all the time.

And I would think,

oh, Muzzy.

And I never once, of course, had the opportunity to use it.

But you would think of it as a fondly, like a friend.

It was just like a comforting commercial.

Let's see if I can find it.

All right.

I think I've talked to you guys about Chishenbop.

Chishenbop?

I hope so.

Chishenbop was a,

and if for the listeners,

I've talked about this before.

Sorry.

Take a break.

Take a breather for the

break.

Two minutes.

I'm assuming you'll be two minutes.

It was a way of counting.

Two minutes later.

You would put your hands and bop.

You would put your hands on the table, and and somebody would give you like

a long multiplication or like a long math problem like this times this minus this divided by this, whatever.

And so these kids would be like tapping their fingers on the tables, on the table to come up with the answer.

I never quite understood how it worked, but it was a very brief thing that was supposed to like.

Like the commercial was as if this is going to

revolutionize everything.

And it did not really catch on.

I sort of remember this where, and the tapping of the fingers was part of it: like, okay, if you tap this, because you have 10 fingers usually.

Well, eight and two thumbs up.

Can I play the Muzzie commercial?

All right, here we go.

I thought you're taking a picture of me.

You're holding your phone and saying,

Jesus Christ.

Yes, that's French they're speaking.

And no, these children aren't French.

They're American.

And they've acquired their amazing new language skills from Muzzy.

The remarkable new video language is

for children developed by the British Broadcasting Corporation.

Can you imagine growing up without a TV show?

Second language.

Four delightful videos quickly become their favorite TV show.

There's no change.

New language.

Muzzy now comes with four videos, two audios.

What did it come with before?

You know, you're introducing this for the first time, so don't act like that.

There's a lot of information.

Muzzy now comes with four videos, two cassettes, a parent's guide

so you can understand what your kids are saying about you.

A pack of cigarettes.

All right, look, we have to take a break.

Bye.

Hey, summertime, Sam.

Yes.

Can I tell you something?

Is it summer related?

Yeah, last summer I had the most unforgettable octopus dish at this tiny seaside spot while on vacation.

It was smoky.

It was tender.

Smoky, tender octopus.

Yeah, that summer.

It was totally out of my comfort zone to eat it, but I feel like I've craved it ever since.

You know, that one meal made me realize how much I love trying chef-created food that's a little unexpected.

Oh, that's like me in a beach ball.

You ate a beach ball?

Yep.

I was skeptical, but now I crave it.

Okay, sure.

Well, that's exactly why I'm hooked on Cook Unity.

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Do any of the recipes ever involve peaches?

I would imagine they could.

You like peaches?

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Peaches are beach balls of the fruit.

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I'm going to eat a beach ball filled with iced tea.

It's back.

Back to school season.

Back to school season, little boys and girls.

But you know what's not on the syllabus this year?

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Cooler temps are rolling in.

Dude, dooda.

And as always, Quince is where I'm turning for fall staples that actually last from cashmere to denim to boots.

I've seen you so furious.

I'm mad, but I'm getting happier.

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Quince has the kind of fall staples you'll wear non-stop.

Like super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, starting at $60.

I got to ask you about their denim.

Okay, well, their denim's durable and it fits right.

What about leather jackets?

They are real and they bring that clean, classic edge without the elevated price tag.

Sounds good.

What makes Quince different?

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Can I hear some personal experience from you?

Because I'm still a little skeptical for some reason.

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Now, I've been wearing mine so much, I just ordered one in another color.

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You should do that with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com/slash threedom for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

No, that's good.

How do you spell it?

365-day returns is amazing because if you're like me, sometimes you forget to return something.

Yes, and yes, when you miss the window, like 200 days in, you might be like, I got to return.

Honestly, I've done that before.

That's q-u-in-ce.com/slash threedom.

Free shipping and 365 days returns.

Quince.com/slash threedom.

And we're back.

And me thinking about that animal book

reminds me of Z Zebra, and it reminded me of

when I went to the doctor with my mother.

And this doctor, it was a children's doctor.

Pediatrician.

Pediatrician sure.

Good one.

Had a ton of, like, you'd go in, every office had paintings of zebras for some reason.

I guess because they're women.

To delight you.

To delight you.

But they were not.

They were not like fun

children's pictures, like brightly colored.

They were like literally like oil paintings, like

well-done paintings of zebras and stuff like that.

You know, like that sounds nice.

So

and you're complaining?

So I just

well-done paintings.

If the kids would say that to the doctor, these are well done.

These are actually, these are not like for my level.

These aren't really for a higher level.

These are wasted on me, frankly.

But I just remember we waited so long for the doctor that I was trying to come up with riddles and I was making my mom laugh so hard.

Oh, because like, and I remember one of them being, um, why did the, because it was some zebras going on, probably Noah's Ark or whatever.

They were like going up a ramp on a boat.

I was like, why did

all zebras Noah's Ark?

Hey, why are you going to have an all-zebra flood?

Fuck all y'all.

Just like zebras, and that's it.

But one of my reels is, why, why did the zebra go on the boat?

My mom was like, why?

Because it wanted to.

And she like cried laughing.

That's good.

I think there's something very sweet about that.

And that your mom was going, like,

this child who I brought into the world has made me laugh.

That's what she was thinking.

And I am the first of many.

Here's Chishenbop.

He will make so many laugh.

Hi.

Hi, I'm Chishenbop.

Oh.

It can turn a child's fingers into a calculator.

You got to use better branding.

Okay, Brad, here's your problem.

Three times in a while.

And Fred McBurray?

Well,

yes, Chishenbop is a Korean word, but don't use it here.

What's the answer?

Third and two.

That's right.

How many years is what we're doing?

He said third and two.

I feel like I did this or I figured it out or something.

Minus four.

When I was a kid.

You never figured this out.

Plus nine.

Can I see the video while you play it?

Minus 12.

I feel like this is also based on blackjack

card counting.

You know how card counting is like, it's not like you're sitting there going like, oh, four queens, three A.

It's like you don't know how a card counting works.

It's like you don't either, Rayman.

It's a math.

You fucking got him.

Why don't I drop some matches on the floor, you freak?

Shit.

Definitely Rayman.

Definitely a Rayman.

Definitely Rayman.

It's like you go minus 10 for every jack or every face card.

It's like you're trying to get to zero all the time.

I never quite figured out.

I think the reason I don't understand is because I immediately glaze over when it's explained to me.

Yeah.

Well, that's everything.

Yeah, to be fair.

I'm dumb.

Chisholmbop.

Chisholmbop.

But the Chizenbop.

I think now we can use that for the Jitterbug game.

Yeah.

I feel like I saw that.

Chisholmbop better than Jitterbug.

Figured out exactly what it was.

I'm going to try to find out.

Hold on a second.

Lauren, are you?

This is new business.

Are you proposing that from now on when we play jitterbug, we instead call it chisembop?

Yes.

All right.

I second.

Scott?

And I think we should call it chishenbop by Muzzy.

That's the name of the game.

Yeah, the Muzzie doesn't come into play.

But we do Chishenbop in a French accent.

Chizenbop.

Chisenbop by Muzzybop.

Chizenbub.

Okay.

Here's what.

Chisenbub.

Chizenbub.

Here's the Chishenbop.

I'm not good at French accents.

Scott,

we need you to vote on this.

I abstain.

Present.

All right.

Well, the majority has it.

So it's Chisenba by Muzzie in a French accent.

Chisenbop by Muzzy is the name of the game, and then we chant Chishenbop in a French accent.

There you go.

Yes.

Okay,

here's how it works.

You have two hands on the table.

Okay.

Your left hand knows what your right hand is doing.

Yes.

So it can't wash it.

The four fingers are 10.

And your thumb is 50.

Your right hand, the four fingers are one.

I've already lost.

Each finger is 10, 10, 10, 10, and a 50.

And then a 50 for the thumb.

And then on the right hand, it's 1, 1, 1, 1, and then a 5.

The thumb is a 5.

The thumb is a 5.

And then basically, you.

You put 50.

On the left hand side.

On the other hand.

i forgot about the second so basically

when you get a question whatever fingers are on the table

you then count it out you'll like you put the corresponding finger on the table when you see a child

give me a give me a give me just a this plus this okay

10 plus 10.

10 plus 10?

Is this card counting or chishen pop?

This is chishenpop.

Okay.

20 because I have these two 10.

And also I know that 10

is 20.

I have these two 10 fingers fingers up.

But give me something.

20 because I know.

Give me this plus this.

Okay, wait.

Okay, wait.

It's 15 plus 7 plus 9.

15.

You're fucked.

There's no way he's going to get this.

15 plus 7.

15 plus 7 plus 9.

Oh, shit.

How do you do this?

Okay, wait.

How do you do the 7 and the 9 with your chisel box?

You have to go piece by piece.

You probably go 15.

15.

So I put the 10 down and the 5.

You put the 10 down 1.

And then plus 7, but I don't have enough.

But I'm sorry, how does that help you understand it?

To get the rest of that time.

Because

whatever fingers you have on the table at the end of the problem here.

Here's the end of the day.

But here's what it is.

Is what the answer is.

It's terrible.

No, because you're still adding it up at the end of the fucking day.

You're still going 10 plus 5.

I think it means like...

One finger is like the first 10.

This would be 10, 20, 30, 40, 50.

So then if it was, if I got to a 10, I'd put down my pinky, and then I would know that that's in the the tens this is how they get you to buy

because it starts arguments yes if it was

if it was if it was 20 i'd put down my second finger i bet in the break in between episodes i bet you i'm right figure this out and we can be we can be amazing i'm gonna google chishenbuck

i remember in long division how hard it was for me when i was first learning it yeah hard like i

my brain just shut short division you're like chishenbuck is also called finger math

yeah it's a korean word it's a korean word meaning finger math finger calculation

but i but have i ever used long division probably

really me plus you divided by janie

i don't trust that i don't trust that

this is stressing me out what chishenbop seems stressed out actually we're gonna we're gonna figure out chishenbopop you're gonna love you're gonna teach it to holly All right, Holly, it's time to learn not only what numbers are, but what chishenbop is.

I can't wait till she has like a favorite stuffy that she carries on.

I know, she doesn't have that yet.

I'm trying to push one,

but it's not working.

Yeah.

So she just looks at it and looks at you.

Yeah.

She will hold a stuffed animal for like moments, but like not.

She won't care.

So she's not invested in stuffed animals like

as friends.

She likes

them as...

To be around, and she likes when they kiss her and stuff.

But when they kiss her.

When do you make the animals?

Yeah.

Oh, when you're okay.

Yeah, they don't do it themselves.

And

you didn't like catch them coming to life.

Likes to hold them for like a second, but she's more like, she actually likes to care on hard objects.

I loved the footage of everyone saying happy birthday to her on her first birthday.

Oh, yeah.

And she was just looking like,

what is, why are you?

She truly was so confused, and she did not eat the cupcake.

The first time

she would eat the cupcake.

Second time they get it, right?

Yes.

The second time they're like, oh, this is, this happened a year ago.

Yeah, we'll see.

And the second time they realize this is for me, this is about me.

Yeah, I don't know.

And third time, it's like old hat.

It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it, I get it.

Where's the cake?

Fourth time, it's like, yes.

Fifth time, it's like, I think I'm actually into this.

Sixth time is like, what?

Wait, what was this again?

Seventh time, I'm into it again.

Eighth time, I'm getting older.

I'm kind of aware of my mortality.

Ninth time, just like the first time.

Yeah, tenth time happening.

Double digis.

We're in, baby.

Yeah.

And then that's the thumb year.

That's when you really take ownership of your birthday and you make it happen.

Yeah.

You took your birthday and made it happen.

Man, birthdays.

Yeah.

You just had one.

You weren't going to suggest selling your birthday.

No, no, I know better than that.

Leah Michelle is joining Funny Girl on my birthday and I thought that's a birthday.

That's a birthday.

When I saw September 6th on the poster, I thought that's a birthday.

That whole story is so crazy.

And the fact that Leah Michelle and Beanie Feltstein have the same agent is wild.

I just learned that.

Yeah.

Like as details of the story kept coming out, it just got nuttier and nuttier.

Well, Bean's completely ignoring it on social media.

She's acting like.

She's taking the high road.

Should we be talking about real people?

I'm just curious what's going on.

I'd love to know more.

There was actually an article about it, but I had to sign up to read it.

I went, fuck this.

I'm so sick of that.

I love that.

Immediately your interest evaporates.

Yeah.

When they're like, you got to sign up?

Didn't like, no,

I didn't watch an app before a video.

I just, I'm sorry.

I think it's my first time going to your website that month.

I should get it for free.

If I go again, have me sign up.

Speaking of commercials,

I want to shout out my favorite commercial running on the MLB app right now, on MLB Network, because you know they baseball games, as we've discussed, are very long.

Baseball games are very long.

Do-dah, do, dah.

And they show you the same ads over and over and over again.

Like on TV or at the stadium?

No, on the MLB network.

Oh, oh, I'm not.

When you're watching on TV.

And sometimes

you don't notice it.

It's just wallpaper just fades in the background.

If something has a song, it can be extremely annoying.

But every once in a while, you get one that's like, I don't mind seeing this a thousand times.

And there's a commercial for, I believe it's for Kia,

and it's skeletons going on a date.

It's these cartoons.

They're very cute cartoon skeletons, and they're going on a date.

Do you think a skeleton needs to date another skeleton?

Or could they date a human?

And be like, like, Look, we both have the skeleton.

It'll never work out.

It'll never work out.

Do you think that the person who made it up was like skeleton Kia?

Skeletons.

Okay, so it's skeletons.

So it's skeletons, obviously.

And they forgot to do their homework the night before.

And they got into the meeting and they're like, oh, fuck.

So Kia, Kia, Kia, Kia, Skeleton Kia.

So first to come up with the commercial, then what it's for.

There have been times where, like, Mike is watching.

Please.

I need 15 generic commercials on my desk tomorrow.

There are times where Mike is like watching basketball and all it comes in.

Then I'm like, oh, what is this commercial?

Oh, weird.

And he's like, the fact that you don't know this commercial, like, you're so lucky.

He's like, I've seen this five trillion times.

Same thing on basketball.

But then it's also, depending on what team you're watching, you might get different, a different, you might, you will, there's an overlap of the same commercials.

Are there regional?

Is that what it is?

The regional kind of thing?

Well, I don't know.

Because

no, they're not.

They're not tied to like the region of the teams.

They're just like, you know, what for all different things.

And so, like, my friend Julie lives around the corner from me, and she's a Red Sox fan.

And so we talk all the time about the commercials that we're sick of and the commercials that are okay.

And so I'll say, like, she hasn't seen the Kia Skeleton commercial.

Huh.

What happened?

She's like, I haven't seen that one yet.

Yeah.

They go.

Do they bone?

I get it.

Very smart.

Lauren.

Very smart.

That's the kind of riddle I like.

Wow, my mom was a pediatrician.

I was like, cracked up until tears came running down her eyes.

Do the skeleton's bone.

It's three skeletons, and one's three on a date?

One is kind of a bonus.

Threesome?

One's a butler.

Yeah.

He's a chauffeur and a butler.

He drives the skeletons in the Kia.

And they're in the back seat.

It's an Uber situation.

Well, but here's the thing.

They get takeout from a drive-through.

Another skeleton, of course.

What the fuck is this commercial?

Aren't the takeout bones?

Is it like a filet of fish and someone's bones?

They're not eating skeletons.

Keep telling me, but I have to Google what they look like.

They're They're very cute.

And so

wearing hats or clothes.

One of them is.

Yeah, they're wearing clothes.

And so one of them.

Oh, it's sort of like a

los muertos.

That is what I was going to say.

Like a sugar, almost a sugar skull, but they're not decorated that way.

They're very cool looking.

It's sort of like a Pixar-ish.

Yeah, exactly.

So

it's like a more cartoony than Coco.

Yeah.

So it's a commercial for this fast food place.

No.

It's not, Scott.

And you know that it's not.

I know.

But I want it to seem cool.

That was pretty cool.

That would have been interesting if you had.

So they go to, they go, they get takeout, and then they drive to like a place where they're like a like a sort of a hill that's overlooking a city.

Oh, like takeout points.

Yes.

And the chauffeur now, he sets up a table and a tablecloth and everything, sets the table for them, and then they sit down to have their little.

And there's no talking.

And do they kiss?

Do they thank the butler?

I don't think they kiss.

They do not thank the butler.

It's his job.

The thing

is with the paycheck.

That's right.

That's what the skeleton money is for.

So, um.

Do they pay with threads instead of money?

Like, is everything related to that?

Do they pay with threads instead of money?

You know, is everything?

Everything into the nitty-gritty of how skeletons get through the day.

Well, I want to.

This is worldwide.

We don't see the unit of currency.

I mean, they have a very short amount of time to establish this world.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

And are they in a real idea?

Or it's a cartoon as well.

It's a cartoon as well, but it looks real.

Is it see-through?

No, it's not see-through scott

so what if i want the one from the commercial

you have to live in the cartoon world see that's which so far only brad pitt has been able to do what if i want the scots pats

uh i guess send away box tops

did you ever send away for a little monkey oh yes do you ever get one oh wait i see monkeys i i did not not oh you know the little teacup monkey No, you could send away for those?

Teacup monkey.

Back in the long day ago.

Let me look it up.

Did you ever get the x-ray glasses?

Back in the long day ago.

I never got the x-ray glasses.

I was always fascinated by them, though.

I know.

That picture made it look incredible.

We all know they don't work.

Of the guy staring at his own hand.

Yeah, but it basically, what is it?

It's just like makes everything.

Look, darling pet monkey.

$18.99.

That must have been expensive at the time.

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Your family will love it.

Ew, what a weird date.

These young monkeys grow about 12 inches inches high, eats the same food as you, even likes lollipops.

Simple to care for and train.

Free cage, free leather collar and leash, free toy and instructions included.

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Instructions.

Only $18.95 Express Collect Mail Checker Money Order to $18.95 to Animal Farm.

Send monkey to zoo.

Here, there's a lot of these ads for this.

So did anyone get one and it was like had to have a monkey?

Let's find out.

Everyone got them.

They flushed flushed them down the toilet.

When comic books sold live monkeys, this was in the early 70s.

Hold on.

So this is before when Harry Met Sally.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's your time.

That's your demarcation of time.

Okay.

So 1980.

It's pre-1988.

Okay.

It's B-W-H-M-S.

Got it.

H-M-S Pinafore.

I need the Wi-Fi because this is really going slow.

But anyways, in the 70s.

Wait, it's Harry Met Sally Pinafore?

Try to get on and I'll find new time.

Okay, so for comic book readers of the 60s and beyond, the ads for mail order items were sometimes just as intriguing as a superhero action they interrupted.

X-ray goggles, sea monkeys, of course.

They were on the last page.

They weren't interrupted.

And then this is in 2008, a man named Joe

told comicbookresources.com his sordid tale of a mail order monkey mishap.

Ew, sordid.

Oh, no.

So he spotted the ad for the live monkey.

He got the monkey.

Okay, so it came in a little cardboard box.

I mean, I'm saying smooth.

This is a live monkey.

It was probably the size of a shoebox, except it was higher.

It had a little chicken wire screen window in it.

There was a cutout.

All you could see if you looked in there was his face.

He carried the monkey home and brought it to his basement where he expected it to join his menagerie of rabbits and gerbils.

Rather than settle in, the monkey began using the plumbing pipes as a jungle gym.

What?

The monkey began gnawing on his arm like a drill press.

Can I pause?

What?

He had 28 stitches.

Can I pause here one second to say

just having gerbils and rabbits is not a menagerie?

It's not at all.

And in a basement.

What do you consider a menagerie?

I mean, at least three animals?

I would say at least four.

At least four?

Yes.

I'd say ten.

Oh my God.

I got to read this to you.

You eat it?

No, you don't.

Okay, go ahead.

Okay, so he had 28 stitches from the thing eating him.

The drill press bites.

Surprisingly, his parents allowed him to keep the monkey, which he named Chipper.

Books and trial and error gave him some rudimentary knowledge of how to care for it.

Peanuts and seedless white grapes were appealing.

Bananas were not.

Chipper also enjoyed riding on the back of the family's border collie, cowboy style.

Who the fuck is sending monkeys?

When are all these monkeys to send?

When Chipper was about five years old, he died suddenly.

Oh, God.

He suspected a possible wasp sting, but could never be sure.

Did he interview all the wasps and stuff?

I know, this is one that was for, oh, my God.

and anyway people say that they the defense counsel says they

need an insane amount of okay so oh one more thing one more thing where were you

so this was a big this was a big moment in the 60s and 70s where 173 000 squirrel monkeys were imported to the u.s from peru and colombia

where they would be sold via private dealers or comics and magazine ads including the warren horror publications at creepy and eerie so people were just selling these by the boatload wow and the buttload oh my god so one time this guy had a monkey that he got from a comic book and they kept it in a crib and the aunt reached her arm in between the bars of the bed to soothe the an aunt

to soothe the animal's nerves but where where an arm could go in a monkey can come out said tate and out comes pepe and a monkey who believes is about to go to the next beyond and pan go to the next beyond and panic jumps out and to escape bites the first thing in front of its eyes and what is that that is my aunt's pendulous breast.

This guy's a creep.

Pendulous dude.

Come on, dude.

Okay.

Anyway, so you're telling me you never got a monkey from a catalog?

People say buttload because somebody was dumb and didn't understand that it was boatload, right?

Well, I think it's a good idea.

It's the same way people say butt naked instead of buck naked.

Yeah, maybe.

Butt naked's accurate.

But there is a buttload of something.

A buttload of something does exist.

It's dumb.

Butt naked's funny.

I don't think so.

All right.

Look, we have to take a break.

No, we don't.

Yes, bye.

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It's three chair time.

And we're going to play.

Oh, what is it called?

It's

a beautiful day.

I got a beautiful feeling.

Everything's going my way.

It's called Actor's Nightmare.

And we played it a few times.

It's where, and we're playing it today because we're here in my office and I have plays here.

And

Scott's office is full of plays.

He's always working on a new one to perform.

He has little nights where he sets up, he puts a cover over the pool and makes it like a stage, and then he goes out there and puts a lot of stuff in the

coffee.

Then puts the cover over it.

It puts the lotion.

want to get the cement over it.

You don't want to get the lotion.

It puts the cover or it gets the lotion.

This is where we do a scene where one of us has a play in their hand.

And

one of us reads lines from the play, and then the other two are supposed to improv around it.

And I don't know whether we're...

They do.

We're just going to pick it up.

Or just one.

I think it's one-on-one.

One-on-one.

Well, why don't we do a two-on-one?

It sounds messy, but okay.

Let's do it.

Okay, okay.

So

I just opened it to a random place.

Am I supposed to just do one character?

I'm sure.

Yeah, just pick one character.

Yes.

All right.

Okay.

I don't know how.

Okay.

Well, do we switch off?

No.

I think one person should just.

We've done this on stage before, and I think all three of us did it.

We did it in Toronto.

The one, the one time.

But I'm saying, do we switch off?

So if you are the one reading the lines.

No, I think just improve.

I'll just jump in whenever you guys

like,

okay, yeah, all right, all right, all right, no, you start the scene, I'll start it, yeah, I dare you,

comrades, right, Martin?

Absolutely, I never say anything otherwise.

Hey, don't speak for me, I'm Martin, and you see what I mean, Martin.

He's special, right?

Yes, I'm not special, I'm unique.

You are special, and I love you.

Gravity, decency, smarts.

His strength is as the strength of 10 because his heart is pure and he's a Roy boy 100%.

I was going to say that the fact that you're a Roy Boy, you love Roy Orbison and you wear those sunglasses.

Well, I love his sunglasses.

You have that bull cut.

I can't see his eyes and I like the mystery.

Joe's a married man, Martin.

No, when?

This is exciting.

Recently, I married my cousin.

With a wife.

She doesn't dare go to D.C.

And so Joe cannot go and keep us dangling.

Oh, I forgot your wife can't go to DC anymore because of Telly 6th.

She's my cousin.

We've seen that kind of thing before, haven't we?

These men and their wives.

Yeah, I mean, January 6th was a big day.

Look, so that's her birthday.

So she wanted to do something really special.

Sure.

So you're from the bottom of the city.

Yeah, well, I watched from the car.

Oh.

Yeah.

Now?

No.

No, we're talking about January 6th.

Now.

January 6th, idiot.

You fucking.

Ah, fuck it.

All right.

Now you're coming around.

Reed came today.

Oh, the mail.

Okay.

So you have a bill here.

Wow, you bought a lot of porn on Amazon.

You have printed bills sent to your house?

You're telling me.

Wait, and FedEx said they tried to deliver a monkey to you, but you weren't home?

A letter from the New York State Bar Association, Martin.

They're going to try and disbar me.

Oh, are they?

Congrats.

You wanted this half times.

Why, Martin?

Because you were wearing those gorilla suits to court.

You were trying to get fired and disbarred, and you really hated their job.

The whole establishment, their little rules.

Well, yeah, you have to break them in order to get fired.

Can't get this bar without breaking a few rules.

Because I know no rules.

Because I don't see the law as a dead and arbitrary collection of antiquated dictums.

Thou shalt, thou shalt not not, you know, because I know the law is a pliable, breathing, sweating organ because.

Oh, see, I disagree.

I see the law as all those things that you just said that you don't see them as.

I see the law as one thing.

What do you see it as?

It's the thing that kind of controls us in the best way.

Like, I love it.

Like, I feel like because I know the law, I know what I can and can't do.

Yeah, well, there's that.

Yeah.

So you agree.

Okay.

So I don't know what you're fucking talking about.

I'm deeply ashamed.

Because you're an idiot.

You should shrink down to the size of nothing.

Not so damp, please.

Sorry.

You deserve that dampness and more.

I'll deny it was a loan.

I got a damp ass pussy.

Oh my God.

She's got no paperwork.

You can't prove a fucking thing.

I could prove it.

I'll tell you what you could do.

I'm about to be be tried, Joe, by a jury that is not a jury of my peers.

Okay, who is it?

12

Disbarment Committee.

Genteel gentlemen.

Country club men.

I offend them.

To these men, I'm what, Martin?

Some sort of filthy little troll?

Hey, hey, well, I mean, I do go to a country club, and you do live under a bridge.

Ah, well, I would.

No, you do.

No, you do.

Very fancy lawyers, these disbarment committee lawyers.

Fancy lawyers with fancy corporate clients and complicated cases.

Right.

They're not so fancy lawyers.

Can I just go to dinner?

I feel like it's like, what are we debating?

Yeah, we're going to be late for our reservation.

No, of course not.

Without the light of the sun, Joe, these cases and the fancy lawyers who represent them will wither and die.

You need to eat dinner.

Yeah, you're going nuts.

A well-placed friend, someone in the Justice Department say can turn off the sun.

Shut off your brain for a minute.

We want to eat and hang out with you, our friend, who we know so well.

We don't care about your job.

Okay, I know you're going through a hard thing, but just let it go.

Let's have some everlasting breadsticks.

Cast a deep shadow on my behalf.

What are you fucking talking about?

Yeah.

Make them shiver in the cold.

Oh, okay.

Yes, now I get it.

Literally, we have to block out the sun.

Okay, it's fine.

Let's do it.

If they overstep, they would fear that.

Yeah, I see that.

He's talking about the servers at the restaurant?

Yes.

Like if they, like, you know how sometimes when they sit down with you to take your order?

Yeah, it's a little too much.

Yes.

Yeah.

They fear that.

You do.

I do, yeah.

Thanks for the backup.

Careful.

Rude.

Oh, he's losing his mind.

He's hungry.

He is hungry.

He's hungry.

Unethical.

Unethical.

He's hangry.

Would you excuse us, Martin?

Sure.

Take a walk, Martin.

For real.

Yeah, I said sure.

You know what?

I read something on like a tweet or something.

Somebody said that they thought hangry meant horny and angry.

So they were always like, why are people telling me that they're hangry?

Was this your husband?

No, but it is something that.

Take a walk, Martin.

The best I'm going to do is turn around and close my eyes.

Unethical.

Are you trying to embarrass me?

I hear you.

Are you trying to embarrass me in front of my friend?

We're not more friends than I am friends with him.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, so it's not like

really something.

What the fuck do you think this is?

Sunday school?

I don't think that at all.

Hey, look, if Joe thought it was Sunday school, why would you curse in front of him?

That's rude.

This is gastric juices churning.

This is enzymes and acids.

This is intestinal, is what this is

saying you're hungry you're angry you're so hungry you're horny and angry and you think you're what

i'm martin that's what i think above that i'm not above martin i am martin above alive is what dead in the clouds above alive is what what is what is sphincter says what that doesn't sick you're sick you're hungry you're hungry they smell i'm weak You're hungry.

They want blood this time.

Oh, God.

Okay, look, I think you should let them disbar you.

I think you got to let it go.

We got to do something else.

You know, you always wanted to be an elephant trainer.

Just try it.

How hard could it be?

Oh, Martin's back.

Yeah.

He turned around and closed his eyes for a second.

Joe.

Joe.

What?

Huh?

Amen.

Oh, not the Sunday school thing.

Oh, no, he's getting religious.

Yeah, amen.

That's the end of the play.

Angels in America.

Is that what that was?

Yeah, Angels in America.

On Hells in America.

Roy Cohn is.

Oh, no.

He's the worst he's terrible i i cut out a few words that he that began oh no that began uh pacino playing these historical figures yeah like

paterno

uh and dr death

um what's his name

do you want to do

you want to do one paul i have a different play yeah give me that play okay here we go i'm tossing it to you oh good toss you got it

You got it.

Lauren, how did you or Paul?

How did you feel two people doing it at the same time?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's fine.

All right.

That's fine.

Lauren and I will be

playing.

He's going to open to a random page and pick a character.

And Lauren and I will be the improvisers.

What are you doing here, Bob?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I broke into your apartment because I was looking for the diamonds that you keep.

Sorry.

What?

The diamonds, you know, your big, I guess it's like a velvet bag.

Let me look at it.

I got to look at it to know, do I want it?

Oh, I'm sure you want it.

They're very valuable.

Oh, and I bet you're wondering who this is.

Hi, I'm his kid.

Yeah, I couldn't get a baby.

My name's Rendino.

Rendino, couldn't get a babysitter.

Sorry.

Anyways,

I'm pretty chill.

This is embarrassing for us both, but please, I beg of you.

I'm pretty sure you'll take us to prison.

I probably want it.

What I'm saying is, what I'm saying, if it's worth anything.

Yeah, they're priceless diamonds.

I mean, that's why we're trying to.

It's worth something.

Anyways, I gotta say.

The question is, but what?

It's just like everything else.

Money.

Bob.

Like every other fucking thing.

Were you at the Riv?

What's his name?

I was at the Riv.

Why?

What's his name?

Horace.

Horace, do you have anything I can play with?

When were you at the Riv?

Games.

Is Fletcher over there?

Yeah, he was there.

Don't ask me.

Why were you at the Riv?

Without my permission.

Teach?

Teach was there?

Not Teach.

I told you you were not supposed to go anywhere with Teach.

He took me there.

What the fuck does that mean?

Well, he's kind of a bad guy.

On the back of his motorcycle, I bet.

Yeah, he's got that mullet in the motorcycle, and he's really.

And you just hang on to the back of the mullet?

Yeah, I just grip it with both hands.

What date is it?

That don't mean shit.

It's June 1st.

Come on.

I told you that you couldn't do this in May.

Come on, Bobby.

What's important in a coin?

I mean, look, honestly,

the president,

you know.

What condition it's in.

Oh, oh, okay.

Okay, so who cares?

Hey, look, I got two quarters here.

These are

1982.

Yeah.

They're both 1982s.

They're shiny as all hell and they've never been used.

Haven't been in circulation.

I got them straight from the dealer.

The book is like you use it like an indicator.

I mean, right off the silver pieces, so on.

Oh, God, he's talking about coins again.

Yeah.

Look.

Okay, here.

Why don't I just

distract it?

Distract it.

Look at my belly roll.

What do you want for the the coin?

$2.

It's not that much of a markup.

Okay, we'll look it up.

Sure, look it up.

I mean, it's like, it's a quarter.

It's two quarters.

I only got to the corner.

I'm out of shape.

Dad.

Jesus.

You got to help me out.

Should I distract him?

Yeah, do a dance.

Okay.

But you got an idea, Bob.

You got an idea you can deviate from.

I mean, yeah, it's kind of my little take on ballet.

It's kind of my little pony-ish.

Watch this.

Nay.

He was a fucking sucker, Bob.

Horace.

Hey, don't talk about my sucker.

Don't you talk to my

first of all?

She's a

woman, not a woman yet.

Well, yeah, that's not true.

Yeah.

Oddities, Bob.

Freak oddities of nature.

What are we talking about here?

The silver, the silver's maybe three times face.

You want 15 cents for it?

You said $2.

I feel like 15 cents is kind of lowballing.

Also, okay, what do you want for it?

$2.

Yeah.

It's a quarter.

Let me see it.

Look at it.

It's shiny.

Never been used.

Never been in circulation.

Yeah.

To look in the goddamn, forget it.

Forget it.

Don't let me see it.

Okay.

I'll hide it behind your ear.

Woo!

Look over there.

That was impressive.

Where did you learn magic?

I learned it from watching YouTube.

I was going to say, I do magic all the time, and you've never, ever wanted to watch me do it.

The book gives us ideas, Bob.

The book gives us a basis for comparison.

What are we talking about the Bible?

We're human beings.

We can talk.

We can negotiate.

You need money.

What do you need?

I'm out.

Who cares?

I want

diamonds, but you can't.

I'm not selling him the quarters, dad.

It's over.

What do you need, Bob?

Take us to jail.

Okay, Horace?

Take us to jail.

We want to go to jail.

Take us.

We're going to bed in a lady.

We're going to play cards.

Okay.

Oh, is he like one of these old guys who wants to play?

Wait, cards on?

What was your name again?

Rivington?

Random Hill, something like that.

Look, he's going to take us to jail if we don't play cards.

Let's just play.

We'll play a game of cards.

We'll play GoFish.

Solitaire.

Okay, go fish.

Go fish.

Teach and me and Fletcher.

What time is it?

Teach and Fletcher are coming over.

I don't want them hanging out with her.

What?

What fucking time is it?

It's 10.15 a.m.

God, you fucking dick.

Bad time for a heist, I got to say.

Kim, get a phone.

But we knew you would be at church.

Do you know what time it is?

10.15 a.m.

Damn right.

You're late.

Well, I mean, you're a little early.

Usually you sit there praying for about an hour after church ends.

Your watch watch broke?

Yeah, well, I know I tell my dad because he just got it for me.

I just got you that watch.

That was an expensive June 1st gift.

I just put it under the car.

When did your watch break?

Yesterday.

So you've had it for 364 days.

And it just broke?

Yeah.

Well, you look at it.

You want to know your watch broke.

All you got to do is look at it.

Well, I mean, yeah,

I guess you can hear the crunch sound, too.

Yeah, you gave it to me last June 1st.

I broke it yesterday.

Yeah.

Why not?

Are you high right now?

I'm hangry.

Okay.

You're horny and angry?

Well, look, I can take care of one of those.

The hangry part.

Let me give you your antidepressants.

You're going around without a watch.

So what?

Who gives a fuck?

They're not that important.

Well, it's just, it meant a lot to me.

No, it didn't.

You got it from the Apple store.

Yeah.

I thought you were going to give it to your children and they were going to give it to their children.

It's not an heirloom.

I understand it's expensive, but whatever.

I'm paying you to do a thing, Teach.

I expect to know where you are when.

Are you talking to Teach on the phone right now?

Tell that little shit I don't want him hanging around my daughter.

I love Teach.

There's no fucking nerves involved in this.

Teach.

Give Teach a message.

Give Teach a message.

No.

Give him.

Tell you what.

If I see him, I'm going to spank him.

I don't like it.

I'm sure you don't, Horace.

Yeah, he's not going to like like it.

Chris, do you sleep in this room?

Leave him alone.

I'm not going to leave Teach alone.

He's leaving, he's bothering my daughter.

He's just leave him alone.

Okay, you're right.

He's not that bad of a kid.

Look, I'm just scared.

I'm scared, Rivington.

I'm scared that you're growing up too fast.

Watch me grow.

Oh, my God.

How did you do that?

You're 10 feet tall.

I'm growing out of the house.

Let me grab onto your hair.

He came in.

Who?

Teach?

The end.

The end.

The end.

It was so long before Don had another line.

All right.

Here's the problem with this.

What the fuck was that?

I'll play it with you.

This was American Buffalo by David Mamai.

Mama.

And thank you for respecting all the pauses and ums and uhs.

Yes, of course.

The problem with three people is that it

becomes.

Here's what's better about it being two people.

Okay.

Is that you're forced to make it more of a conversation.

So then when the other two people are having their own conversation that has nothing to do with the other person, then it's not as much, I feel like it's not as much fun to follow.

Do you want to do...

Let's do one more.

Let's do one more.

I only have two plays here, but I can try to find out.

I thought your office was filled with plays.

They're over there, and I'd have to walk, but I'll walk.

Here.

Yeah, it's got to be a different style.

Okay, okay.

I will say I am starving.

Well, we're almost to the end of this episode.

You made your bed.

I'm

You got here too late.

You're right.

I do not.

You're right.

If you had gotten here 20 minutes earlier, I would be eating lunch right now.

You're right.

That's a fact.

Facts, dear.

But I had to feed my daughter.

Okay, I'm going to throw you.

Lauren, I'm going to throw you this one.

Okay.

Okay.

Here we go.

He found one.

We love it.

I didn't catch it.

Okay.

Thanks so much.

Here's how it can work with three people, I think.

Okay, how?

Is if the two people who don't have the play trade-off responded.

Oh, okay.

Well, it's funny.

I was just thinking about this play last night.

What were you thinking about?

I used it in something I wrote.

Sure, Chicago.

What did you say?

The thing we have to do?

We're just going to switch off.

We'll switch off responding to you, yes.

All right, let's find the beginning.

Oh, you're going to the beginning?

Well, beginning of a scene.

Like, so it's kind of like the start of what it might just be one long scene.

Oh, here we go.

Okay.

I'm not reading that word.

This is another David Matthew play, by the way.

Okay.

You fucking build it.

Men come.

Okay.

But it's harder to do than you're thinking.

You're absolutely right.

I mean, I have an opinion, too.

I think that it's actually easier.

They have.

Say it.

They have stinkies.

Look, look, look, look, look.

When they build your business, then you can't fucking turn around, enslave them, treat them like children, fuck them up the ass, leave them to fend for themselves.

No.

No, you're absolutely right.

And I want to tell you something.

Before you tell me something, I want to call HR.

I'm really uncomfortable.

I want to tell you what somebody should do.

Well, what they should do is figure out a way to build it faster.

Someone should stand up and strike back.

Like the Empire?

Somebody.

Me?

Should do something to them.

Okay, well, look, I feel like this is getting punitive at this point.

Something to pay them back.

Someone, someone should hurt them.

Murray and Mitch.

No, that's what he meant by punitive.

Yes.

Yeah,

I'm uncomfortable with this kind of revenge kind of business dealing.

How?

Do something to hurt them where they live.

You're scaring me right now?

This is very scary to me.

Someone should rob the office.

Whoa.

That's what I'm saying.

If we were that kind of guys to knock it off and trash the joint, it looks like robbery and take the fucking leads out of the files.

Go to Jerry Graff.

Jerry Graff, is he the guy?

He's like really short

and

he's two feet tall.

He's always smoking a cigar.

What can we get for them?

I don't know.

Buck a throw, buck a half a throw.

I don't know.

Hey, who knows what they're worth?

What do they pay for them?

All told, must be at it.

Three bucks a throw.

I don't know.

I had a million of them once, and they paid me $5.

So I don't think they're as valuable as what you're thinking.

The Glen Garry.

The premium leads, I'd say we got $5,000.

Five?

5,000 leads.

That's a lot for Plaid.

Yes.

Yeah, no, I agree.

I mean, you said it.

Yes, and I'm saying it right after you.

Yes, indeed.

Kraft?

Well, because I worked for him.

Oh, that's right.

You had the little apron on and the paper hat.

No, what do you mean?

Have I talked to him about this?

Yeah, you worked at the corn dog on a stick place, the hot dog on a stick, or just we're just no, it was corn.

It was corn dog.

We're just speaking about it as an idea.

It's funny because it's a hot dog on a stick, but it's actually a corn dog.

You think it would be like corn dog on a stick, but instead, like you don't get there and get like literally just a hot dog on a stick.

Yes.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

She agrees.

So you agree that you worked there?

No.

So you disagree that you didn't work there?

No.

So you agree to disagree that you didn't work there when you worked there?

As a robbery?

No.

Oh,

I see.

So you, you never took anything, not even one free hot dog?

Hey.

Everyone takes a free hot dog.

Not actually, no.

Oh, wait a minute.

No, no, no.

It wasn't a hot dog on a stick.

It was Orange Julius.

No, not actually.

It was Orange Julius on a stick.

What did I say?

You haven't said anything about it.

I just, we're looking at those old pictures of you that you showed us.

Yes.

You wouldn't tell us.

I said, not actually.

The fuck you care, George.

We're just talking.

George is just asking to clear up your hot dog business.

Yes.

Yes, we sell hot dogs.

I think it would be instructional for us to know how many you sold per year.

That's right.

It's a crime.

It is a crime, and it's also very safe.

So you did steal hot dogs and you got away with it.

That's right.

I want hot dogs then.

Have I said that?

You kind of implied that you could get us hot dogs.

Did I say that?

Yes, you, I mean, you may as well have.

Is that what I said?

It's heavily implied in what you did say.

What did he say?

He'd buy them.

I mean, yes, I bought them because you caught me stealing them and you made me pay for them, but I didn't want to.

Yes.

I would also buy them.

I would buy hot dogs, yes.

A buck a shot.

I feel like you can get them cheaper at the market.

However, they are, that's the deal.

A buck a throw, $5,000, split it half and half.

If they're cooked, a dollar seems reasonable.

If they're raw, I'm going to say 75 cents.

Yes, $2,500 a piece, one night's work on the job with Graf working the premium leads.

That's too much for hot dogs.

$2,500 a piece.

Is that what I said?

It's what you literally just said.

$2,500 a piece.

He would take you on, yes.

You want me to fight him?

I'm not going to.

This is my dear friend.

I'm not going to fight him.

Yes, it is, George.

Yes, it's a big decision and it's a big reward.

It's a big reward for one night's work, but it's got to be tonight.

Don't I have a say in whether or not he fights me?

What?

What?

the leads oh the oh you want me to fight the leads that's right the guys are moving them downtown after the 30th murray and mitch after the contest that's right murray and mitch are the leads in the play yes and you're and we're you want him to fight them so that we can take their place you

me now i'm doing it you i

don't think he should do it i mean i'm so much stronger than him

you have to go in you have to get the leads i'm very scared of both mitch and murray because they're so handsome.

Yes.

I mean, they're Broadway quality actors.

I know it's just community theater, but it's not something for nothing, George.

I took you in on this.

You have to go.

That's your thing.

I've made the deal with Graf.

I can't go.

I can't go in.

I've spoken on this too much.

I've got a big mouth.

The fucking leads, et cetera, blah, blah, blah.

The fucking tight ass company.

All right.

If this deals with George, that's one thing.

I don't want to be part of this.

I don't want to take on Mitch and Murray.

They're too handsome.

I'll get nervous and start stuttering.

What will they know?

That I stole the leads?

I didn't steal the leads.

I'm going to the movies tonight with a friend, and then I'm going to the Como Inn.

Why did they go to Graf?

I got a better deal.

Period.

Let them prove something.

They can't prove anything.

That's not the case.

I thought you wanted us to beat up Mitch and Murray.

You want us to steal that, like, kidnap them?

Yes.

Oh, that's...

I think that's a crime.

Yes.

Well,

I don't see how you profit off of this.

Oh, yes, George.

Okay, so I guess the ransom is how you'd make it.

Listen to this.

I have an aliboy.

I'm going to the the Como Inn.

Why?

Why?

Place gets robbed.

They're going to come looking for me.

Why?

Because I probably did it.

Are you going to turn me in?

George, are you going to turn me in?

No, I'm not going to turn you in.

I'm going to turn myself in because I'm out.

I don't want any part of this.

They come to you.

You're going to turn me in?

Yes, I am.

They're going to come to everyone.

Okay, sure, but look, I don't want to star in this Broadway, you know, revival of funny girl that much.

You wouldn't, George.

That's why I'm talking to you.

Answer me.

They come to you.

You're going to turn me in?

Me?

Because I already said that I'm going to.

Are you sure?

He's sure.

I'm sure.

We're all sure that we don't want any part of this.

And listen to this.

I have to get those leads tonight.

That's something I have to do.

If I'm not at the movies, if I'm not eating over at the end, if you don't do this, then I have to come in here.

Okay, so

it seems like you're going to the movies, and then we're supposed to kidnap Mitch and Murray, and then you need an alibi.

I don't understand this.

And rob the place.

We're going to rob the backstage Funny Girl Revival of all their props?

And they take me, then they're going to ask me who are my accomplices.

Well, but I mean, we would not be the accomplices.

We would just be doing it because you're at the movies.

Absolutely.

Well, now that you say it out loud, I think this plan is good.

Scene.

All right.

That's it.

That's it.

That's it.

We did it.

Listen, freedom USA.

We're all hungry.

Damn.

And we're all horny and angry.

And and we're all horny and angry

um we're threedomusa at gmail.com if you want to write to us send us something we are also uh aha lainpu on the phone if you want to leave us a voicemail um we are threedom usa on twitter and instagram and if you would like to listen to ad-free versions of this show you can go to stitcher premium or cbbworld.com and you know what

just keep being awesome you guys are so awesome we do love you it's true we love you.

You're awesome.

We just want you to listen to us.

And listen, we're about to eat.

So whatever you're doing, why don't you eat at the same time?

And then it's like we're eating together.

Yeah, it's like we're having lunch.

It's like one broke.

Say goodbye.

Why do we do what we do?

What makes life meaningful?

My name is Elise Lunan, and I'm the author of On Our Best Behavior and the host of the podcast, Pulling the Thread.

On Pulling the Thread, I explore life's big questions with thought leaders who help us better understand ourselves, others, and the world around us.

I hope these conversations bring you moments of resonance, hope, and growth.

Listen to Pulling the Thread from Lemonada Media, wherever you get your podcasts.