Threevisiting: Honey Bee Same as Bumble Me?

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Speaker 1 That's drinkag1.com slash threedom. It's morning in New York.

Speaker 1 Hey, everybody, I'm Mandy Potenkin. And I'm Catherine Grody.
And we have a new podcast. It's called Don't Listen to Us.
Many of you have asked for our advice. Tell me, what is wrong with you people?

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I'm Missy Misdemeanor Elliott. I'm Missy Misdemeanor Elliott II.

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Put us together, we're a felony.

Speaker 1 That's right, three misdemeanors? Three strike, please. Have you ever been stung by a jellyfish? Uh, no.

Speaker 1 Do you want to? Yeah, I'm desperately. Because I have one pretty good.
I was going to say I was going to throw one at him? Well, I just want someone to pee on me.

Speaker 1 Apparently, that's not the solution, just everyone knows. I recently learned that that actually doesn't do anything.
So stop doing it. Who freaks?

Speaker 1 Who was the person who suggested it in the first video? A prankster?

Speaker 1 I got a piss on you. That'll solve it.

Speaker 1 In your face. I mean, I really read that.
It's not a thing. That's wild.

Speaker 1 I shouldn't say I really read that because

Speaker 1 I really read that. I have no idea where I heard that.
Say a jellyfish stings you. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 1 There's nothing around for miles and miles someone says like look let me try to the the whole pissing on you thing you're telling me you're gonna say like no I read it's not a thing I'm in horrible pain I would let piss but don't try to piss on me for sure just to see who would you let piss on you Mike well if it was if I it depends on who I was with you know if I was with someone that I reviled I probably wouldn't want them to piss on me

Speaker 1 someone right well you know maybe like we got lost on a road trip and we're stuck in the middle of nowhere we fell in the ocean and I got a jellyfish thing and then I hate that person, and I'm so sick of them.

Speaker 1 And then they go, I'll only piss on you. And I go, I'm going to fucking kick your ass.
But someone, this is like for a movie, it's crap. It feels like a good movie.

Speaker 1 Someone that you're like, feel medium about, like, oh, they're not my friend. They're Mike Pence.

Speaker 1 I'd ask them to put their piss in a cup, and then I'd pour it on myself. I'll take care of this.
Thank you. Well,

Speaker 1 can your own piss not do it?

Speaker 1 Well, I don't know if that's the case. It's not always easy to get the piss to where it needs to go.
That's so well for

Speaker 1 literally as your deer. Well, I guess if I got stung on my ankle, I could just pee right on that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But if you got stuck on your hand, you could pee on that. What can you not? No, my hand can't reach.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, you've never wiped. I love this game.
What can you not pee on? I couldn't pee on my own butt. I couldn't pee on my own back.

Speaker 1 What if you're upside down?

Speaker 1 I guess I'd have to hang upside down, pee, hope that it runs.

Speaker 1 If you were trapped by someone who kidnapped you and they hung you upside down, you would have to pee on your own back. To get the jellyfish thing off? No, there's no jellyfish.

Speaker 1 They had to roast them out, so they let you go. Yeah.

Speaker 1 She's crazy. Well, can we talk about my bee sting for a second?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is older. The one that happened a month ago.
Let's get into old business and then we'll get into new business.

Speaker 1 I was having a delightful time at Disneyland.

Speaker 1 You got stung at Disneyland? That's

Speaker 1 the bee was on. I kind of felt something on my hand and I looked down and a bee was just kind of living.

Speaker 1 Like a yellow jacket. A big, a big, big, fluffy, but not a bumblebee.
It was just a fluffer. It was a, it wasn't a.
I feel like you're inventing a category of bee. It was a thick bee.
Oh, thick.

Speaker 1 With two C's? Yes.

Speaker 1 Two C's and two E's.

Speaker 1 And I started slapping it onto my nephew. I was like,

Speaker 1 I was like trying to get it off and like using him as like leverage to kick it off my hand.

Speaker 1 And then it was literally sticking its fucking ass into me as I was doing that and stinging me and it was horrible. Did it sting you more than once? No, it stung.

Speaker 1 it just stung me really hard, and then the stinger was in my hand. This is why you always carry a flower.
I guess it's a bumblebee. Does it have the little ball on the end? I don't know.

Speaker 1 That's the abdomen. You always carry a flower because that way you can lure the bee to the flower.

Speaker 1 I should have done that. Yeah.
Anyway, it was kind of dramatic, but everything was fine. But it's one of those flowers that squirts water so that when it lands on it, you just squirt it.

Speaker 1 So the bee is humiliating. Oh, that's funny.
Or does it shrink down?

Speaker 1 I guess even smaller than a bee.

Speaker 1 What is smaller than a bee? Nothing. I get they have one thing.
Why?

Speaker 1 Did they dime? No. The idea that bees

Speaker 1 are thinner.

Speaker 1 The idea that bumblebees, their big move is to sting, but then it kills them. I know.

Speaker 1 Just so fly away. But is that not true of all bees? No, I don't think so.
Really? I thought all bees did you? I thought yellow jackets can sting you and be like, ha ha.

Speaker 1 See, I sort of think that's why it was a yellow jacket that I killed in my home recently.

Speaker 1 Because it looked different it looks really evil it had a really evil like a yellow

Speaker 1 i'm gonna google what a yellow jacket is because i thought i told you the story of when i was running on those wood chips and i thought i got

Speaker 1 those wood chips and i thought i got stung by a million uh yellow jackets do you think the show will pop up first in your google search well i typed in yellow jwc r y e let's see okay and it said yellow jacket now here i'm looking at it it's yep yep that's definitely definitely what i got it's like a line because you know why Definitely yellow.

Speaker 1 It's like five bees standing in the bottom. Evil, evil looks like

Speaker 1 that. It's evil energy, too.
I hate it. It looks so mean.
They love soda. It's sticking its fucking butt out.
God, they love soda. I hate it.

Speaker 1 They love soda.

Speaker 1 Look and see if they can sting and remain alive. Because I think they can.
Okay. When we were in Thailand,

Speaker 1 we were in our hotel room and

Speaker 1 we pulled the drapes and right outside the window, hanging from the above balcony, was the most giant, probably as big as your torso, like

Speaker 1 hive. It's big as my torso? Yeah, that's multiple feet.

Speaker 1 Can I just say it was but but bulbous, unlike your torso. Thank you so much.
Um,

Speaker 1 all right, wait, so real quickly, so it was a hive hanging outside the window. Honey bees

Speaker 1 die after stinging. No other bee.
Now, that actually pisses me off. That's

Speaker 1 a picture of a honey bee. Okay.
Honey, so what, what is it about the honey bee that makes them die? Because they're filled with honey?

Speaker 1 They're so full of honey, they're like, kill me.

Speaker 1 Please, kill me. I beg of you.
Put me out of my misery. I ate too much honey.

Speaker 1 I found it. No, it was definitely a honeybee.
I don't make it. I eat it.
It was definitely a honeybee that stung me at Disneyland. It was furry.
It was kind of fluffy. And it did die moments after.

Speaker 1 It was on the ground, writhing in pain. Agony.
Missing its stinger that it wasted on my hand.

Speaker 1 Then what about, I thought, so a bumblebee can sting you and keep on living, or is a bumblebee just another name for a bumblebee?

Speaker 1 I thought a bumming a bumming bee. I thought a bumblebee was the same as a honeybee.
Well, that's what I'm asking right now. Yeah.

Speaker 1 If you would ever listen to me.

Speaker 1 I'm crying out for your attention. Okay.

Speaker 1 Look up. Honeybee.
I said honeybee same as bumblebee. Actually, I should put in honey bee same as bumblebee.

Speaker 1 Okay, what came up? They're different.

Speaker 1 A honeybee looks like this and a bumblebee looks like this.

Speaker 1 Huh? A honeybee Honeybee has sort of a yellow, but it's more mixed brown, sort of like black. Bumblebee, straight up, very thick yellow, very thick black, very thick yellow.
And very fluffy indeed.

Speaker 1 And like the sweater that Sting wore in Newcastle. The honeybee looks a little meaner than the bumblebee.
So what is your sweetness? What are the bumblebees?

Speaker 1 They're very far away. Okay.
Is the bumblebee the one that does the pollen? They look similar, though. They do look similar.
But the honeybees

Speaker 1 are so upset with this. Honeybees have been found in the middle of the colour.
That's on you scientists. Yeah, why are you going to be able to do that? Why do you bother ever listening to this joke?

Speaker 1 Like, the bumblebee is more black with pops of yellow, whereas the honeybee is like kind of brown because the yellow is mixing into the black. Yeah, fun.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I got sung by a bee. And I don't want any of them around.
I got stung by a honeybee because I remember the stinger in my arm with like the little ball on it that was its abdominal.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that, yeah, that's so gross. It's gross.
I've been stung by a honeybee beef. Just sick.
That's sick. Three times, I think.
Really? In my life.

Speaker 1 Only three. Once Once when I was 10 or so.

Speaker 1 And you don't know at that point if you're allergic or not. So they tell you to go to the office, go to the nurse, school nurse.
What does the school nurse do all day? Are they busy all the time?

Speaker 1 You know what they do all fucking day?

Speaker 1 That's our healthcare system. They put ice cubes into brown paper towels, put them into sandwich bags, and tie them up to be.

Speaker 1 I really wonder, though, like you have to be there and on call and get it. I'm sure there's people coming in all fucking day.
Do you know how many times I went to the nurse just complaining? Four.

Speaker 1 All the time. I go, my head hurts because I don't like math.
You're abusing the system. This is what I mean.
My head really would. If my head really would hurt.

Speaker 1 What percentage of a school nurse's cases that they take on are fake? Like kids trying to get it. But my head really did hurt.
50? But only because I hated it so much. I'm going to say 95%.

Speaker 1 95%, right? Think about that in your job. I don't think I ever went to the school nurse.

Speaker 1 First of all, in my grade school, I don't know that we had one. You can't do that all the time.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But that's, think about that being your job where 95% of the people you talk to are bullshitting you. Thank you for accepting my statistic immediately.
I know.

Speaker 1 Well, it's kind of sweet of them to like humor the kids, you know. Yeah, but they you've got to know every time someone walks in, they're like, here comes another lie.

Speaker 1 If I were a school nurse, I would send the kids home every single time. Yeah, what do you give a shit? Like they cut their finger and say, Here's a bandit, you also should go home.
Yeah, but what?

Speaker 1 Okay, well, I don't care. They made their decision.
I'm child-free by choice, baby. I'm child-free by choice.
What at what level of care? Child-free by choice. I'm careful.

Speaker 1 CFBC, child-free by choice. It's a community.

Speaker 1 It's a committee. A community of lonely people.
It's a dedicated world. We have each other.
We get together and we talk about how great it is we don't have kids. And have sex.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 okay. We also have sex with each other.

Speaker 1 And try to make babies. Everybody, yeah, and it never happens.
We're all lying. And we're desperately sad.

Speaker 1 So at what level of care are school nurses authorized to give? They're allowed to do surgery and they're allowed to do brains. They can make incisions, but they can't close them up.

Speaker 1 But like if someone cuts off their hand. I think they call 911.
911.

Speaker 1 911.

Speaker 1 There had to be in shop class, there had to be a school nurse just sitting there waiting for people to come. Oh man, I used to pray.

Speaker 1 I did wood shop and I

Speaker 1 made a few things that were really wonderful. You know, I was really good at it.
Yeah. I made a puzzle.
I made

Speaker 1 a jigsaw. You know what's great about a puzzle is that when you make it, it's always right.
Like, it's not like good or bad.

Speaker 1 It's like you just cut it however you want, and then that, yeah, it fits together. That's somebody else's problem.
Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
I made a little box.

Speaker 1 How many pieces of the puzzle? Sorry. How many pieces in this puzzle? I bet you it was probably nine.

Speaker 1 You know, like a little, well, you're working with the jigsaw.

Speaker 1 I never got to do it. I never got to do it.
Yeah, well, yeah. You have to work with the jigsaw to make a jigsaw puzzle.

Speaker 1 But she didn't say a jigsaw puzzle. I can still smell the wood shop now.
I made a wooden Sudoku.

Speaker 1 What about those puzzles, you know, where it's eight things in a nine whole thing, and you slide puzzle? You know what I like?

Speaker 1 There's this game that we have that's really fun. I would like to recommend it.
It's called Color Coo, and it's like Sudoku, but color. So it's basically a.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be that guy explaining baseball. It's a

Speaker 1 wooden tray that has little scooped out little divots.

Speaker 1 And where basically wherever there would be a number on a sudoku there's a hole and you put a colored ball and you can't have the same color going in the same you know what i mean is it the same amount of squares as a sudoku it's very yeah nine per box yes and then nine boxes interesting and it's really fun i actually don't like sudoku but i like this so do you start with

Speaker 1 colors already in there or you have to you have to construct it gives you puzzles so like you have to set it up to look like the picture and then you have to solve it

Speaker 1 now i wasn't listening to how this game is played because i was thinking of something else which I want to share with you right now.

Speaker 1 This was a thing that I forgot to include in the description of Finnish baseball. Okay.
Which is this is wow from a previous episode. Yes.
Which episode is we're still in old business.

Speaker 1 So the batting helmets that they wear look like the helmets that they put on babies when their heads need to be reshaped. In Finland? Yeah.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Maybe they all, I mean, Finlands in general, don't they? Maybe they know more about how it should really be. It's part of their national identity.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 If you're listening to us recently, we have to do it. The softest heads.

Speaker 1 I don't want to apologize for my accent work, which was flawless, I'm assuming. Yeah, of course.

Speaker 1 Corinne, what are you thinking about? Color Coo?

Speaker 1 Why do you like that instead of Sudoku? Because it's colors instead of numbers. That's the only difference.
I don't know. For some reason, well, I've never really...

Speaker 1 I've only tried Sudoku a couple times and felt very like, I don't really get what I'm doing here. I'm messing it up.
It's the exact same as color. I know.

Speaker 1 But I actually, I was looking at Color Coo yesterday and going, maybe I would be good at Sudoku if I could do this. Yeah, you probably would because it's not addition or anything like that.

Speaker 1 It's literally just telling me exactly what you're doing with it. It is, it's just that

Speaker 1 the Sudoku numbers, yeah, yeah, but you're not adding them together. I've never done that.
You just need one of each in each row and

Speaker 1 a line or whatever you call it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 In each box and in each line, vertically and horizontally. Vertically, horizontally.
And you need boxes, lines, and rows. I'm out.
Yeah, it's too many.

Speaker 1 Which one would you prefer they get rid of?

Speaker 1 Boxes. I think the boxes, yeah.
Why is it?

Speaker 1 You know, and it's like, why are we in a box? It makes me feel bad for the numbers. I do feel bad.

Speaker 1 But I love the game and it's a fun game.

Speaker 1 And I recommend it as a fun little, like, you know, sort of put it on the dining room table, like revisit it, come back, or sit down for a night of fun with your, you know, friend.

Speaker 1 Is this a game in a box? It's in a box. I think it would be hard to put it down, walk away, revisit.
Like,

Speaker 1 if I'm doing a game, I want to finish. I agree.
You know,

Speaker 1 you know, I also used to really love doing puzzles. I was looking at all my puzzles that I was obsessed with pre-pandemic and pandemic times.
And I was like,

Speaker 1 that's a different world for me. Yeah.
You're no longer into puzzles. Well, with a baby, not only are the pieces crazy, they'll get lost.
She'll put them in their mouth. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't have the time to sit there and do it. And when I'm done at the end of the day, I don't want to fucking do a puzzle.
Yeah. You want to be

Speaker 1 a little bit more crazy. You want to blaze up.
Absolutely. smoke yourself.
Well, I want to play all her toys because she was like taking all their, you know, she was hogging them all day.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I didn't get to do it. Oh, no.
Does she have a favorite toy?

Speaker 1 She really is into musical instruments right now. And then she likes to

Speaker 1 crawl around like holding things. So she likes to hold.

Speaker 1 She'll get attached to one thing at a time. But like she loves water bottle tops, like from like my reusable water bottle.

Speaker 1 And she. Also does too, to be fair.
I got her like a bunch of big magnets that she could safely play with on the fridge at her height,

Speaker 1 and she really likes that.

Speaker 1 What are they of? You told me she spelled out the word Satan, right? Yeah, she used these animals and spelled out the word Satan, and it was actually amazing, snake, ass,

Speaker 1 tarantula, ass, it made a lot of sense.

Speaker 1 Barking of an N animal,

Speaker 1 an N animal, um,

Speaker 1 nerve

Speaker 1 damage,

Speaker 1 There's got to be one. I used to have a book.
Narwhal. Narwhal.

Speaker 1 I used to have a book that had,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 a children's book that was a children's book for every letter had one. Every letter had one.
And then I bet you forgot it was Narwhal. I remember a book when I was a kid that I saw.

Speaker 1 It was advertised on TV. And my mom got it for us.
And it was a book that used, essentially, it was like pictograms to help you memorize the state capitals.

Speaker 1 Oh, Mike and I worked on that during the pandemic, actually. Did you really? Yeah.
How'd you do?

Speaker 1 We got to a point where we knew them all and we knew where all the states were because there are some states that I just have never really retained exactly which one's which.

Speaker 1 What's the capital of California? Sacramento. Whoa, she does know all of them.

Speaker 1 I know. What's the capital of Chicago?

Speaker 1 Illinois. Capital of Chicago.

Speaker 1 But here's the thing.

Speaker 1 I remember that book and it was very like it would, the idea is it would, it would be an illustration and then like a little sentence that was like a story that would help you remember like a mnemonic device yes so like i remember there was for indianapolis there was a

Speaker 1 it was a picture of a flagpole with like a native american uh laying on it horizontally on the top and like the the the part of the sentence was

Speaker 1 an Indian uh taking a nap on a pole, no less. So you would remember Indianapolis.
Look, it worked because you remember That's the only one I remember.

Speaker 1 I don't remember any of them. Because it's honestly the weirdest Native American could ever do.

Speaker 1 I remember these commercials. I loved that book, though, but I don't, I'm, I'm mad that I don't remember.
I wish you still had it. I wish you would give us copies of it.

Speaker 1 What did you give us copies of recently? The Book of Lists. Oh, yeah, the Book of Lists.

Speaker 1 Paul,

Speaker 1 Paul. Wait, I want to say I remember every gift.
Do you ever remember these commercials? I don't think that you would remember them, but so I said this the other day.

Speaker 1 I was like, Kulip, did you give me this? She's like, I don't know.

Speaker 1 It's like, you forget. Yeah.
There was this commercial when I was growing up that was called, it was, it was for a, I did not say it like that. You did.
I almost said commercial.

Speaker 1 Commercial. You said commercial.

Speaker 1 There was a commercial.

Speaker 1 Commercial. There was a commercial.
There was a commercial. Commercial.
There was a commercial for

Speaker 1 this French learning

Speaker 1 called Muzzy, I think. And it would, it would be like this, it's sort of a cartoon of these like little like, and I was like, un de trois.
And it was like, I'm learning French.

Speaker 1 And it's like, you would watch it. It's just familiar.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Keep going, keep going. And I just remember

Speaker 1 it would play all the time. And I would think,

Speaker 1 oh, Muzzy. And I never once, of course, had the opportunity to use it.
But you would think of it as a fondly, like a friend. It was just like a comforting commercial.
Let's see if I can find it.

Speaker 1 All right. I think I've talked to you guys about Chishenbop.
Chishenbop?

Speaker 1 I hope so chishenbop was a uh and if for the listeners chis and bop talked about this before sorry take a break take a breather for the take a break two minutes um i'm assuming you'll be two minutes it was a way of counting two minutes later

Speaker 1 you would put chish and bop

Speaker 1 you would put your hands on the table and somebody would give you like

Speaker 1 a long multiplication or like a long math problem like this times this minus this divided by this whatever and so these kids would be like tapping their fingers on the tables on the table to come up with the answer.

Speaker 1 I never quite understood how it worked, but it was a very brief thing that was supposed to, like, like the commercial was as if this is going to

Speaker 1 revolutionize everything.

Speaker 1 And it did not really catch on. I sort of remember this where, and the tapping of the fingers was part of it of like, okay, if you tap this, because you have 10 fingers usually.

Speaker 1 Well, eight and two thumbs up. Can I play the Muzzy commercial? All right, here we go.
I thought you're taking a picture of me. You're holding your phone and say,

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 Yes, that's French they're speaking. And no, these children aren't French, they're American.
And they've acquired their amazing new language skills from Muzzy.

Speaker 1 The remarkable new video

Speaker 1 is a favorite children developed by the British Broadcasting Corporation. Can you imagine growing up without a TC language for children learn a second language within the second language?

Speaker 1 Four delightful videos

Speaker 1 become their favorite TV show. Four delightful videos quickly become their favorite TV show.
There's no change.

Speaker 1 New language.

Speaker 1 Muzzy now comes with four videos, two audios. What did it come with before?

Speaker 1 You know, you're introducing this for the first time, so don't act like that. There's a lot of information.

Speaker 1 Muzzie now comes with four videos, two cassettes, a parent's guide,

Speaker 1 so you can understand what your kids are saying about you. A pack of cigarettes.
All right, look, we have to take a break. Bye.

Speaker 1 Oh,

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Speaker 1 And we're back.

Speaker 1 And me thinking about that animal book. Me thinking about animal book reminds me of Z Zebra and it reminds me of

Speaker 1 when I went to the doctor with my mother. And this doctor, it was a children's doctor.

Speaker 1 Pediatrician. Pediatrician, sure.
Good one. Had a ton of, like, you'd go in, every office had paintings of zebras for some reason.
I guess because they're women. To delight you.
To delight you.

Speaker 1 But they were not.

Speaker 1 They were not like fun

Speaker 1 children's pictures, like brightly colored. They were like literally like oil paintings, like

Speaker 1 well-done paintings of zebras and stuff like that.

Speaker 1 That sounds nice.

Speaker 1 And you're complaining? So I just remember that. They were well-done paintings.
If the kids would say that to the doctor, these are well done. These are actually, these are not like for my level.

Speaker 1 These are really for a higher level. These are wasted on me, frankly.

Speaker 1 But I just remember we waited so long for the doctor that I was trying to come up with riddles, and I was making my mom laugh so hard.

Speaker 1 Oh, because, like, and I remember one of them being, um, why did the because it was some zebras going on, probably Noah's Ark or whatever. They were like going up a ramp on a boat.
I was like, why did

Speaker 1 all zebras Noah's Ark?

Speaker 1 Hey, we're going to have an all-zebra flood. Fuck all y'all.

Speaker 1 Just like zebras, and that's it. That's all all I like.

Speaker 1 But one of my reels is, why did the zebra go on the boat? My mom was like, why?

Speaker 1 Because it wanted to. That's a good way.

Speaker 1 And she cried. That's good.

Speaker 1 I think there's something very sweet about that, and that your mom was going, like, this child who I brought into the world has made me laugh. That's what she was thinking.
And I am the first of many.

Speaker 1 Here's Chisenbob. He will make so many laugh.
Hi. Hi, I'm Chishenbob.

Speaker 1 Oh, it can turn a child's fingers into a calculator. You got to use better branding.
Okay, Brad, here's your problem. Three times no.
And Fred Big Murray? Well,

Speaker 1 yes, Chishenbop is a Korean word, but don't use it here. What's the answer? Third and two.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 He said third and two.

Speaker 1 I feel like I did this or I figured it out or something. Minus four.
when I was a kid. You never figured this out.

Speaker 1 Can I see the video while you play it? Minus 12.

Speaker 1 I feel like this is also based on blackjack

Speaker 1 card counting.

Speaker 1 You know how card counting is like, it's not like you're sitting there going, like, oh, four queens, three aces. It's like

Speaker 1 you don't know how card counting works. I don't either, Rayman.
It's a math. You fucking got him.
Why don't I drop some matches on the floor, you freak? Shit.

Speaker 1 Definitely Rayman. Definitely Rayman.

Speaker 1 Definitely Rayman. It's like you go minus 10 for every jack or every face card.
It's like you're trying to get to zero all the time. I never quite figured out.

Speaker 1 I think the reason I don't understand is because I immediately glaze over when it's explained to me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, that's everything. Yeah, to be fair.
I'm dumb. Chish and Bop.
Chish and Bop.

Speaker 1 But it's a chiz and bop. I think now we can use that for the jitterbug game.
Yeah. I feel like I saw that.

Speaker 1 I figured out exactly what it was. I'm going to try to figure out.
Hold on a second. Lauren, are you? This is new business.

Speaker 1 Are you proposing that from now on when we play jitterbug, we instead call it chisenbop? Yes. All right.
I second. Scott? And I think we should call it chisenbop by muzzy.

Speaker 1 That's the name of the game. Yeah.
The muzzy doesn't come into play. But we do chisenbop in a French accent.
Chizenbop. Chisenbop by Muzzyb.
Chizenbub. Okay.
Here's what. Chisenbub.
Chisenbub.

Speaker 1 Here's the Chizenbopp. I'm not good at French accents.
Scott,

Speaker 1 we need you to vote on this. I abstain.
Present. All right.
Well, the majority has it.

Speaker 1 So it's Chisenbub by Muzzie in a French accent. Chishenbop by Muzzie is the name of the game, and then we chant Chisenbop in a French accent.
There you go. Yes.
Okay,

Speaker 1 here's how it works. You have two hands on the table.
Okay. Your left hand knows what your right hand is doing.
Yes. So it can't wash it.

Speaker 1 The four fingers are 10.

Speaker 1 And your thumb is 50.

Speaker 1 Your right hand, hand, the four fingers are one. I've already lost.
Each finger is 10, 10, 10, 10, and a 50. And then a 50 for the thumb.
And then on the right hand, it's 1, 1, 1, 1, and then a 5.

Speaker 1 The thumb is a 5. The thumb is a 5.
And then basically you put it in the... You put 50.
On the left hand side. On the other hand.
I forgot about the sex. So basically,

Speaker 1 when you get a question, whatever fingers are on the table,

Speaker 1 you then count it out. Like you put the corresponding finger on the table when you see a chat.
You have to put the corresponding finger on the table.

Speaker 1 Give me just this plus this. Okay,

Speaker 1 10 plus 10. Wait, 10 plus 10? Is this card counting or chishenpop? This is chishenpop.
Okay. 20 because I have these two 10.
And also, I know that

Speaker 1 I have these two 10 fingers up. But give me something.
20 because I know.

Speaker 1 Give me this plus this. Okay, wait, okay, wait.
It's 15 plus 7 plus 9. 15.
You're fucked.

Speaker 1 There's no way he's going to get this. 15 plus 7.

Speaker 1 15 plus seven plus nine. Oh shit.
How do you do this? Okay, wait, there's not enough. How do you do the seven and the nine with your chisel box? You have to go piece by piece.
You probably go 15. 15.

Speaker 1 So I put the 10 down and the 5. You put the 10 down.
And then plus 7, but I don't have enough. But I'm sorry, how does that help you understand it? To get the rest of that time.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 whatever fingers you have on the table at the end of the problem.

Speaker 1 But here's what it is. Is what the answer is.
It's terrible. No, because you're still adding it up at the end of the fucking day.
You're still going 10 plus five.

Speaker 1 I think it means like one finger is like the first 10.

Speaker 1 This would be 10, 20, 30, 40, 50. So then if it was, if I got to a 10, I'd put down my pinky, and then I would know that that's in the tens.
This is how they get you to buy it. And then if

Speaker 1 it starts arguments. Yes.

Speaker 1 If it was 20, I'd put down my second finger. I bet in the break in between episodes,

Speaker 1 I can figure this out and

Speaker 1 we can be amazing. I'm going to Google Chisholm Bob.

Speaker 1 I remember in Long Division, how hard it was for me when I was first learning it. Yeah,

Speaker 1 like I, my brain just shut

Speaker 1 division. You're like, Chisholm is also called finger math.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's a Korean word. It's a Korean word meaning finger math.
Finger calculation.

Speaker 1 But have I ever used Long Division? Probably.

Speaker 1 Really? Me plus you divided by Janie?

Speaker 1 I love that. I don't trust that.
I don't trust that.

Speaker 1 This is stressing me out. What? Chisholmbop? You seem stressed out, actually.

Speaker 1 We're going to figure out Chisholm Boppy.

Speaker 1 You're going to teach it to Holly. All right, Holly.
It's time to learn not only what numbers are, but what Chisholmbop is.

Speaker 1 I can't wait till she has a favorite stuffy that she carries. I know.
She doesn't have that yet. I'm trying to push one.
I love it. But it's not working.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So she just looks at it and looks at you.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 She will hold a stuffed animal for like moments, but like not. She won't care.
So she's not invested in stuffed animals like

Speaker 1 friends. She likes

Speaker 1 them as to be around, and she likes when they kiss her and stuff.

Speaker 1 When they kiss her.

Speaker 1 When you make the animals, yeah. Oh, when you're okay.
Yeah, they don't do it themselves. And you don't like catching them coming to life.

Speaker 1 Likes to hold them for like a second, but she's more like, she actually likes to care on hard objects. I loved the footage of everyone saying happy birthday to her on her first birthday.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 And she was just looking like,

Speaker 1 What is why are you? Why would anyone do this? She truly was so confused, and she did not eat the cupcake. The first time

Speaker 1 she would eat the cupcake. No, second time, they get it, right? Yes, the second time, they're like, Oh, this is this happened a year ago.
Yeah, we'll see.

Speaker 1 And the second time, they realize this is for me, this is about me. Yeah, I don't know.
And third time, it's like old hat. It's like, yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it, I get it. Where's the cake? Fourth time, it's like, yes, fifth time, it's like, I think I'm actually into this.

Speaker 1 Sixth time, it's like, wait, what was this again? Seventh time, I'm into it again. Eighth time, I'm getting older.
I'm kind of aware of my mortality.

Speaker 1 Ninth time, just like the first time. Yeah.
Tenth time.

Speaker 1 Double digis. We're in, baby.
Yeah. And then

Speaker 1 that's the thumb year. That's when you really take ownership of your birthday and you make it happen.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You took your birthday and made it happen.
Man, birthdays.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You just had one.
You weren't going to suggest selling your birthday. No, no.
I know better than that. Leah Michelle is joining Funny Girl on my birthday, and I thought, that's a birthday.

Speaker 1 That's a birthday. When I saw September 6th on the poster, I thought, that's a birthday.
That whole story is so crazy. And the fact that Leah Michelle and Beanie Feldstein have the same agent is wild.

Speaker 1 I just learned that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, as details of the story kept coming out, it just got nuttier and nuttier. Well, Bean's completely ignoring it on social media.
She's acting like.

Speaker 1 She's taking the high road. Should we be talking about real people?

Speaker 1 I'm just curious what's going on. I'd love to know more.
There was actually an article about it, but I had to sign up to read it. I went, fuck this i'm so sick of that i love that that

Speaker 1 immediately your interest evaporates yeah when they're like you gotta sign up didn't like no you didn't like care watch an app before a video i just i think it's my first time going to your website that month i should get it for free if i go again have me sign up speaking of commercials

Speaker 1 i want to shout out my favorite commercial running on the mlb app right now on mlb network because you know they baseball games as we've discussed are very long and Baseball games are very long.

Speaker 1 Do-da, do-da.

Speaker 1 And they show you the same ads over and over and over again. Like on TV or at the stadium?

Speaker 1 No, on the MLB network. Oh, oh, I.
Who you're watching on TV.

Speaker 1 And sometimes you don't notice it. It's just wallpaper just fades in the background.
If something has a song, it can be extremely annoying.

Speaker 1 But every once in a while, you get one that's like, I don't mind seeing this a thousand times.

Speaker 1 And there's a commercial for, I believe it's for Kia,

Speaker 1 and it's skeletons going on a date. It's these cartoons.

Speaker 1 They're very cute cartoon skeletons, and they're going on a date. Do you think a skeleton needs to date another skeleton, or could they date a human? They'd be like, look, we both have the skeletons.

Speaker 1 It'll never work out. It'll never work out.
Do you think that the person who made it up was like skeleton Kia?

Speaker 1 Skeletons. Okay, so it's skeletons.
So it's skeletons, obviously. And they forgot to do their homework the night before.

Speaker 1 And they got into the meeting and they're like, oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 So Kia, Kia, Kia, Kia, Skeleton cheese. So first to come up with a commercial, then what it's for.
There have been times where like Mike is watching. Oh, Kia, please.

Speaker 1 I need 15 generic commercials on my desk tomorrow.

Speaker 1 There are times where Mike is like watching basketball and I'll come in. Then I'm like, oh, what is this commercial? Oh, weird.

Speaker 1 And he's like, the fact that you don't know this commercial, like you're so lucky. He's like, I've seen this five trillion times.
Same thing on basketball.

Speaker 1 But then it's also, depending on what team you're watching you might get different a different you might you there's an overlap of the same commercials because i are there regional is that what it is the regional kind of thing well i don't know because because no they're not they're not tied to like the region of the of the teams they're just like you know what for all different things huh um and so like my friend julie lives around the corner from me and she's a red sox fan and so we talk all the time about the commercials that we're sick of and the commercials that are okay uh-huh and so i'll say like she hasn't seen the the Kia skeleton commercial.

Speaker 1 Huh. What happened? She's like, I've never seen that one yet.

Speaker 1 They go.

Speaker 1 Do they bone?

Speaker 1 I get it. Very smart.
Lauren. Very smart.
That's the kind of riddle I like.

Speaker 1 Wow, my mom will

Speaker 1 fucking cracked up until tears came running down her eyes. Do the skeletons bone?

Speaker 1 It's three skeletons.

Speaker 1 Three on a date? One is kind of a dumbass. Three some.

Speaker 1 One's a butler. Yeah.
He's a chauffeur and a butler. He drives the skeletons in the Kia.
And they're in the back street. It's just an Uber situation.
situation well but here's the thing

Speaker 1 they get takeout from a drive-through okay another skeleton of course is this commercial i'm

Speaker 1 the takeout bones is it like a filet of fish and somebody they're not eating they're not eating skeletons keep telling me but i i have to google what they look like they're very cute and are wearing hats or clothes one of them is yeah or wearing clothes and so one of them oh it's sort of like a

Speaker 1 uh

Speaker 1 dia de los muertos that is what i was going to say like a sugar almost a sugar skull but they're not decorated that way. They're very cool looking.
It's sort of like a Pixar-ish. Yeah, exactly.
So

Speaker 1 it's like a more cartoony than cocoa. Yeah.
So it's a commercial for this fast food place. No.
It's not, Scott. And you know that it's not.
I know. But I want it to seem cool.

Speaker 1 That was pretty cool. That would have been interesting if you had.
So they go in it.

Speaker 1 They go, they get takeout, and then they drive to like a place where they're like a, like a sort of a hill that's overlooking a city. Oh, like takeout point.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 And the chauffeur now, he sets up a table and a tablecloth and everything sets the table for them and then they sit down to have their little and there's no talking and do they kiss and they have thank the butler i don't think they kiss they do not thank the butler it's his job the thank you

Speaker 1 paycheck that's right that's what the skeleton money is for

Speaker 1 so um do they pay with

Speaker 1 threads instead of money like is everything related to that with threads instead of money you know

Speaker 1 getting into the nitty-gritty of how skeletons get through the day. Well, I want to.
This is world.

Speaker 1 We don't see the unit of currency. I mean, they have a very short amount of time to establish this world.
Yeah. Do you know what I mean? And are they in a real

Speaker 1 or it's a cartoon as well? It's a cartoon as well, but it looks real. Is it see-through?

Speaker 1 No, it's not see-through, Scott.

Speaker 1 So, what if I want the one from the commercial?

Speaker 1 You have to live in the cartoon world. See, that's what so far only Brad Pitt has been able to do.
What if I want the skeletons' pats?

Speaker 1 I guess send away boxtops.

Speaker 1 Did you ever send away for a little monkey? Oh, yes. Do you ever get one? Oh, wait, I see monkeys.
I did.

Speaker 1 Oh, you know the little teacup monkey? No. You could send away for those?

Speaker 1 Teacup monkeys. Back in the long day ago.
Let me look it up.

Speaker 1 Did you ever get the x-ray glasses? Back in the long day ago. I never got the x-ray glasses.

Speaker 1 I was always fascinated by them, though. I know.
That picture made it look incredible. We all know they don't work.
Of the guy staring at his own hand. Yeah, but it basically, what is it?

Speaker 1 It's just like makes everything break. Here, look, darling pet monkey.
$18.99. That must have been expensive at the time.

Speaker 1 This squirrel monkey makes an adorable pet and companion, almost human with its warm eyes. Your family will love it.
Ew, what a weird

Speaker 1 these young monkeys grow about 12 inches high, eats the same food as you, even likes lollipops.

Speaker 1 Simple to care for and train. Free cage, free leather collar and leash, free toy and instructions included.
Live delivery guarantees.

Speaker 1 instructions, only 1895 Express Collect Mail checker money order to 1895 to Animal Farm. Send monkey to zoo.
Here, there's a lot of these ads for this.

Speaker 1 So, so did anyone get one and it was like had to have a monkey? Let's find out. Everyone got them, they flushed them down the toilet and when comic books sold live monkeys, this was in the early 70s.

Speaker 1 Hold on,

Speaker 1 so this is before when Harry met Sally.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, that's your total. That's your demarcation of time.
Okay, So 1980 is pre-1988. Okay.
It's BWHMS.

Speaker 1 Got it. H-M-S Pinafore.
I need the Wi-Fi because this is really going slow. But, anyways, in the 70s.
Wait, it's Harry Met Sally Pinafore?

Speaker 1 Dude,

Speaker 1 try to get on it and I'll send you that.

Speaker 1 Okay, so for comic book readers of the 60s and beyond, the ads for mail order items were sometimes just as intriguing. It's a superhero action they interrupted.
X-ray goggles, sea monkeys, of course.

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 and then this is in 2008 a man named

Speaker 1 hut hill told comicbookresources.com his sordid tale of a mail-order monkey mishap ew sordid oh no so he spotted the ad for the live monkey um he got the monkey okay so it came in a little cardboard box i'm i mean i'm saying smooth a live monkey it was probably the size of a shoe box except it was higher it had a little chicken wire screen window in it there was a cutout.

Speaker 1 All you could see if you looked in there was his face. He carried the monkey home and brought it to his basement where he expected it to join his menagerie of rabbits and gerbils.

Speaker 1 Rather than settle in, the monkey began using the plumbing pipes as a jungle gym. What? The monkey began gnawing on his arm like a drill press.
Can I pause? What? He had 28 stitches.

Speaker 1 Can I pause here one second to say

Speaker 1 just having gerbils and rabbits is not a menagerie? It's not at all. And in a basement is...
What do you consider a menagerie? I mean, at least three animals? I would say at least four. At least four?

Speaker 1 Yes. I'd say ten.
Oh, my God. I got to read this to you.

Speaker 1 You did? No, you don't.

Speaker 1 Okay, go ahead. Okay, so he had 28 stitches from the thing eating him.
The drill press bites. Surprisingly, his parents allowed him to keep the monkey, which he named Chipper.

Speaker 1 Books and trial and error gave him some rudimentary knowledge of how to care for it. Peanuts and seedless white grapes were appealing.
Bananas were not.

Speaker 1 Chipper also enjoyed riding on the back of the family's border colleague, cowboy style. Who the fuck is sending monkeys? Where is all these monkeys to send?

Speaker 1 When Chipper was about five years old, he died suddenly. Oh, God.
He suspected a possible wasp sting, but could never be sure.

Speaker 1 Did he interview all the wasps in the middle of the middle? No, no, this is one that was for. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 And anyway, people say that the defense counsel says they

Speaker 1 need an insane amount of monkeys. Okay, so, oh, one more thing.
One more thing. When were you?

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 this was a big moment in the 60s and 70s where 173,000 squirrel monkeys were imported to the U.S. from Peru and Colombia.
173,000 people were

Speaker 1 sold via private dealers or comics and magazine ads, including the Warren horror publications at Creepy and the Eerie. So people were just selling these by the boatload.
Wow. And the buttload.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. So one time, this guy had a monkey that he got from a comic book, and they kept it in a crib.
And the aunt reached her arm in between the bars of the bed to soothe an aunt,

Speaker 1 to soothe the animal's nerves but where where an arm could go in a monkey could come out said tate and out comes pepe and a monkey who believes he's about to go to the next beyond and pan go to the next beyond in panic jumps out and to escape bites the first thing in front of its eyes and what is that that is my aunt's pendulous breast

Speaker 1 this guy's a creep pendulous pendulous dude breast come on dude uh

Speaker 1 anyways you're telling me you never got a monkey from a catalog people say

Speaker 1 people say butt buttload because somebody was dumb and didn't understand that it was boatload, right? Well, I think it's not. It's the same way people say butt naked instead of buck naked.

Speaker 1 Yeah, maybe. Butt naked's accurate.
But there is a buttload of something.

Speaker 1 A buttload of something does exist.

Speaker 1 It's dumb. Butt naked's funny.
I don't think so.

Speaker 1 All right. Look, we have to take a break.
No, we don't. Yes, bye.

Speaker 4 Is it just me, or are things actually really scary right now in the world of public health? Every day brings another confusing headline or yet again a far-fetched claim.

Speaker 4 Vaccines are somehow up for debate and parents are scrolling TikTok for medical advice.

Speaker 4 I'm Chelsea Clinton, an advocate, author, investor, teacher, and mom navigating this insane time right alongside you.

Speaker 4 I hope you'll join me on my new podcast, That Can't Be True, a show that sorts fact from fiction, especially on issues impacting our health.

Speaker 4 From Limonata Media and the Clinton Foundation, That Can't Be True is out October 2nd.

Speaker 1 Cameron back, it's three church time.

Speaker 1 And we're going to play, oh, what is it called? It's

Speaker 1 everything's going my way.

Speaker 1 It's called Actor's Nightmare.

Speaker 1 And we played it a few times. It's where, and we're playing it today because we're here in my office and I have plays here.

Speaker 1 And Scott's office is full of plays. He's always working on a new one to perform.

Speaker 1 He has little nights where he sets up, he puts a cover over the pool and makes it like a stage. And then he goes out there and puts a lotion.
I feel it listening. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Then puts the cover over it.

Speaker 1 It puts the lotion.

Speaker 1 You don't want to get the lotion. It puts the cover or it gets the lotion.

Speaker 1 This is where we do a scene where one of us has a play in their hand.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 one of us reads lines from the play, and then the other two are supposed to improv around it. And I don't know whether we're...

Speaker 1 They do. We're just going to pick one.
Or just one. I think it's one-on-one.
One-on-one. Well, why don't we do a two-on-one?

Speaker 1 It sounds messy, but okay. Let's do it.
Okay. So

Speaker 1 I just opened it to a random place. Am I supposed to just do one character? I'm sure.
Yeah, just pick one character. Yes.
All right. Okay.

Speaker 1 I don't know how. Okay.

Speaker 1 Well, do we switch off? No.

Speaker 1 I think one person should just. We've done this on stage before, and I think all three of us did it.
We did it in Toronto.

Speaker 1 The one time.

Speaker 1 But I'm saying, do we switch off? So if you are the one reading the lines. No, I think just improve.
I'll just jump in whenever you guys

Speaker 1 like. No, okay.
Yeah. All right.
All right. All right.
No, you start the scene. I'll start it.
Yeah, I dare you.

Speaker 1 Comrades, right, Martin?

Speaker 1 Absolutely. I never say anything otherwise.
Hey, don't speak for me. I'm Martin.
And you see what I mean, Martin. He's special, right? Yes.
I'm not special. I'm unique.

Speaker 1 You are special, and I love you. Gravity, decency, smarts.
His strength is as the strength of 10 because his heart is pure And he's a Roy boy 100%.

Speaker 1 I was going to say that.

Speaker 1 The fact that you're a Roy boy, you love Roy Orbison, and you wear those sunglasses. Well, I love his sunglasses.
You have that bull cut. I can't see his eyes, and I like the mystery.

Speaker 1 Joe's a married man, Martin.

Speaker 1 No, when?

Speaker 1 This is exciting.

Speaker 1 I married my cousin. With a wife.
She doesn't dare go to DC, and so Joe cannot go and keeps us dangling. Oh, I forgot your wife can't go to DC anymore because of January 6th.
She's my cousin.

Speaker 1 We've seen that kind of thing before, haven't haven't we? These men and their wives.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, January 6th was a big day. Look, so that's her birthday, so she wanted to do something really special.
Sure. So you're from the capital.
Yeah, well, I watched from the car. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Now?

Speaker 1 No. No, we're talking about January 6th.
Now. January 6th, idiot.
You fucking. Ah, fuck it.

Speaker 1 All right. Now you're coming around.

Speaker 1 Reed came today.

Speaker 1 Oh, the mail. Okay, so you have a bill here.
Wow, you bought a lot of porn on Amazon. You have printed bills sent to your your house? You're telling me.

Speaker 1 Wait, and FedEx said they tried to deliver a monkey to you, but you weren't home? A letter from the New York State Bar Association, Martin. They're going to try and disbar me.
Oh, are they? Congrats.

Speaker 1 You wanted this for

Speaker 1 a long time. Why, Martin? Because you were wearing those gorilla suits to court.
You were trying to get fired and disbarred, and you really hated their job.

Speaker 1 The whole establishment, their little rules.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, you have to break them in order to get fired.

Speaker 1 Can't get disbarred without breaking a few rules. Because I know no rules.
Because I don't see the law as a dead and arbitrary collection of antiquated dictums.

Speaker 1 Thou shalt, thou shalt not not, you know, because I know the law is a pliable, breathing, sweating organ because.

Speaker 1 Oh, see, I disagree. I see the law as all those things that you just said that you don't see them as.
I see the law as one thing. What do you see it as?

Speaker 1 It's the thing that kind of controls us in the best way. Like, I love it.
Like, I feel like because I know the law, I know what I can and can't do. Yeah, well, there's that.
Yeah. So you agree.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So I don't know what you're fucking talking about. I'm deeply ashamed.
Because you're an idiot. You should shrink down to the size of nothing.

Speaker 1 Not so damp, please. Sorry.

Speaker 1 You deserve that dampness and more. I'll deny it was a loan.
I got a damp ass pussy. Oh my God.
She's got no paperwork. Can't prove a fucking thing.
I can prove it.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what you could do. I'm about to be tried, Joe, by a jury that is not a jury of my peers.

Speaker 1 Okay, who is it? 12. The disbarment committee.
Genteel gentlemen.

Speaker 1 Country club men. I offend them.
To these men, I'm what, Martin? Some sort of filthy little troll? Hey, hey, well, I mean, I do go to a country club, and you do live under a bridge.

Speaker 1 Well, I would. No, you do.

Speaker 1 No, you do.

Speaker 1 Very fancy lawyers, these disbarment committee lawyers. Fancy lawyers with fancy corporate clients and complicated cases.
Right. They're not so fancy.
Can we just go to dinner?

Speaker 1 I feel like it's like, what are we debating? Yeah, we're going to be late for a reservation. No, of course not.

Speaker 1 Without the light of the sun, Joe, these cases and the fancy lawyers who represent them will wither and die. You need to eat dinner.
Yeah, you're going nuts.

Speaker 1 A well-placed friend, someone in the Justice Department say, can turn off the sun. Shut your brain for a minute.
We want to eat and hang out with you, our friend, who we know so well.

Speaker 1 We don't care about your job. Okay.
I know you're going through a hard thing, but just let it go. Let's have some everlasting breadsticks.
Cast a deep shadow on my behalf.

Speaker 1 What are you fucking talking about? Yeah. Make them shiver in the cold.
Oh, okay. Yes, now I get it.
Literally, we have to block out the sun. Okay, it's fine.
Let's do it.

Speaker 1 If they overstep, they would fear that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I see that. He's talking about the servers at the restaurant? Yes.
Like, if they, like, you know how sometimes when they sit down with you to take your order? Yeah, it's a little too much. Yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah. They fear that.
You do.

Speaker 1 I do, yeah. Thanks for the backup.

Speaker 1 Careful. Rude.
Oh, he's losing his mind. He's hungry.
He is hungry. He's hungry.
Unethical. Unethical.
He's hangry. Would you excuse us, Martin? Sure.

Speaker 1 Take a walk, Martin. For real.
Yeah, I said sure. You know what? I read something online, like a tweet or something, and somebody said that they thought hangry meant horny and angry.

Speaker 1 So they were always like, why are people telling me that they're hangry? Was this your husband? No, but it is something that I'm going to. Take a walk, Martin.

Speaker 1 The best I'm going to do is turn around and close my eyes. Unethical.

Speaker 1 Are you trying to embarrass me? I hear you.

Speaker 1 Are you trying to embarrass me in front of my friend? We're not, we're not more friends than I am friends with him. Do you know what I mean? Like, so it's not like

Speaker 1 really something. What the fuck do you think this is? Sunday school? I don't think that at all.
Hey, look, if Joe thought it was Sunday school, why would you curse in front of him? That's rude.

Speaker 1 This is gastric juices churning. This is enzymes and acids.

Speaker 1 This is intestinal, is what this is.

Speaker 1 You're hungry.

Speaker 1 You're so hungry. You're horny and angry.
And you think you're what?

Speaker 1 I'm Martin. That's what I think.
Above that?

Speaker 1 I'm not above Martin. I am Martin.
Above alive is what? Dead in the clouds. Above alive is what? What is Sphincter says what? That doesn't say.

Speaker 1 Because you're hungry. You're hungry.
They smell I'm weak. You're hungry.
Do they want blood this time?

Speaker 1 Oh, God. Okay, look, I think you should let them disbar you.
I think you got to let it go. We got to do something else.
You know, you always wanted to be an elephant trainer. Just try it.

Speaker 1 How hard could it be? Oh, Martin's back. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He turned around and both sides for a second. Joe.
Joe. What? Huh.

Speaker 1 Amen.

Speaker 1 Oh, not the Sunday school thing. Oh, no, he's getting religious.
Yeah, amen.

Speaker 1 That's the end of the play.

Speaker 1 Angels in America. Is that what that was? Yeah, Angels in America.
On Hells in America. My Cohn is.
Oh, no, he's the worst. He's terrible.
I cut out a few words that he.

Speaker 1 That that began oh no that began uh pacino playing these historical figures yeah like

Speaker 1 paterno

Speaker 1 uh and dr death

Speaker 1 um what's his

Speaker 1 do you want to do one paul i have a different play yeah give me that play okay here we go i'm tossing it to you oh good toss you got it

Speaker 1 you got it Lauren, how did you, or Paul, how did you feel two people doing it at the same time?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, it was fine.
All right.

Speaker 1 Lauren and I will be

Speaker 1 playing. He's going to open to a random page and pick a character.

Speaker 1 And Lauren and I will be the improvisers. What are you doing here, Bob?

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm sorry. I broke into your apartment because I was looking for the diamonds that you keep.

Speaker 1 Sorry.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 The diamonds, you know, your big, I guess it's like a velvet bag.

Speaker 1 Let me look at it. I gotta know.
I gotta look at it to know, do I want it? Oh, Oh, I'm sure you want it. They're very valuable, but oh, and I bet you're wondering who this is.

Speaker 1 I am his kid. Yeah, I couldn't get a baby.
My name's Rendino. Rendino couldn't get a babysitter.
Sorry, anyways. Anyways,

Speaker 1 I'm pretty chill. This is embarrassing for us both, but please, I beg of you, don't take us to prison.
I probably want it. What I'm saying is, what I'm saying, if it's worth anything,

Speaker 1 yeah, they're priceless diamonds. I mean, that's why we're trying to sell it.
It's worth something. Anyways, I got it.
The question is, but what? It's just like everything else, money. Bob.

Speaker 1 Like every other fucking thing.

Speaker 1 Were you at the Riv? What's his name? Were you?

Speaker 1 I was at the Riv. Why? What's his name? Horace.
Horace, do you have anything I can play with?

Speaker 1 Why were you at the Riv? Games. Is Fletcher over there? Yeah, he was there.

Speaker 1 Don't ask me. Why were you at the Riv?

Speaker 1 Without my permission. Teach?

Speaker 1 Teach was there? Not Teach. I told you you were not supposed to go anywhere with Teach.
Tlech took me there. What the? What the fuck does that mean?

Speaker 1 Well, he's kind of a bad guy. On the back of his motorcycle, motorcycle, I bet.
Yeah, he's got that mullet in the motorcycle, and he's really. You just hang on to the back of the mullet?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I just grip it with both hands. What date is it? That don't mean shit.
It's June 1st.

Speaker 1 Come on.

Speaker 1 I told you that you couldn't do this in May. Come on, Bobby.
What's important in a coin?

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 look, honestly, the president at, you know. What condition it's in? Oh, oh, okay.
Okay, so who cares? Hey, look, I got two quarters here. These are.

Speaker 1 We'll give you

Speaker 1 1982. Yeah.
They're both 1982s. They're shiny as all hell and they've never been used.

Speaker 1 Haven't been in circulation. I got them straight from the dealer.
The book is like you use it like an indicator. I mean, right off the silver pieces, so on.
Oh, God, he's talking about coins again.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Look.

Speaker 1 Okay, here. Why don't I just, I'll just distract him.
Distract him.

Speaker 1 Look at my belly roll.

Speaker 1 What do you want for the coin? $2.

Speaker 1 It's not that much of a markup. Okay, Okay, we'll look it up.
Sure, look it up. I mean, it's like, it's a quarter.
It's two quarters. I only got to the corner.

Speaker 1 Dad. Jesus.
You got to help me out.

Speaker 1 Should I distract him? Yeah, do a dance. Okay.

Speaker 1 But you got an idea, Bob. You got an idea you can deviate from.

Speaker 1 I mean, yeah, it's kind of a my little take on ballet. It's kind of my little pony-ish.
Watch this. Nay.

Speaker 1 He was was a fucking sucker, Bob. Horace, hey, don't talk about my

Speaker 1 sucker.

Speaker 1 Don't talk to me, don't you talk to my

Speaker 1 first of all? She's a woman, not a woman yet. Well, yeah, that's not true.
Yeah, oddities, Bob. Freak oddities of nature.
What are we talking about here?

Speaker 1 The silver, the silver is maybe three times face. You want 15 cents for it?

Speaker 1 You said $2.

Speaker 1 I feel like 15 cents is kind of low-balling. Also, okay, what do you want for it? $2.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a quarter. Let me see it.
Look at it. It's shiny.
Never been used. Never been circulation.
Yeah. To look in the goddamn, forget it.
Forget it. Don't let me see it.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I'll hide it behind your ear. Woo! Look over there.

Speaker 1 That was impressive. Where did you learn magic? I learned it from watching YouTube.

Speaker 1 I was going to say, I do magic all the time, and you've never, ever wanted to watch me do it. The book gives us ideas, Bob.
The book gives us a basis for comparison. We'll be talking the Bible.

Speaker 1 We're human beings. We can talk.
We can negotiate.

Speaker 1 You need money. What do you need? I'm out.
Who cares? I want to sell you. I'm not going to be diamonds, but you can't.
I'm not selling the quarters, Dad. It's over.

Speaker 1 Look, just take us. What do you need, Bob? Take us to jail.
Okay, Horace? Take us to jail. We want to go to jail, dude.
Take us to the card. We're going to bed in a lady.
We're going to play cards.

Speaker 1 Okay. Oh, is he like one of those old guys wants to play? Wait, cards.
What was your name again? Rivington? Randomly, something like that. Look, he's going to take us to jail if we don't play cards.

Speaker 1 So let's just play. We'll play a game of cards.
We'll play gofish. Solitaire.
Okay, go fish. Go fish.

Speaker 1 Teach and me and Fletcher. What time is it?

Speaker 1 Teach and Fletcher are coming over. I don't want them hanging out with her.

Speaker 1 Let them come over. What fucking time is it? 10.15 a.m.
God, you fucking dick. Bad time for a heist, I gotta say.

Speaker 1 Get a phone. But we knew you would be at church.
Do you know what time it is? 10.15 a.m.

Speaker 1 Damn right. You're late.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, you're a little early. Usually you sit there praying for about an hour after church ends.
Your watch broke? Yeah, well, I don't want to tell my dad because he just got it for me.

Speaker 1 I just got you that watch. That was an expensive June 1st.
I just put it under the car. Look at your watch break.

Speaker 1 Yesterday.

Speaker 1 So you've had it for 364 days. And it just broke? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, you look at it. You want to know your watch broke.
All you got to do is look at it. Well, I mean, yeah, I guess you can hear the crunch sound too.
Yeah, you gave me last June 1st.

Speaker 1 I broke it yesterday. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why not?

Speaker 1 Are you high right now?

Speaker 1 I'm hangry.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 You're horny and angry.

Speaker 1 Look, I can take care of one of those.

Speaker 1 The angry part. Let me give you your antidepressants.

Speaker 1 You're going around without a watch. So what? Who gives a fuck? They're not that important.
Well, it's just, it meant a lot to me. No, it didn't.
You got it from the Apple store. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I thought you were going to give it to your children and they were going to give it to their children. It's not an heirloom.
I understand it's expensive, but whatever.

Speaker 1 I'm paying you to do a thing, Teach.

Speaker 1 I expect to know where you are when. Horror.
Are you talking to Teach on the phone right now? Tell that little shit I don't want him hanging around my daughter. I love Teach.

Speaker 1 There's no fucking nerves involved in this. Teach.

Speaker 1 Give Teach a message. Give Teach a message.
No. Give him.
Give him. Tell you what.
If I see him, I'm going to spank him. I don't like it.
I'm sure you don't, Horror. Yeah, he's not going to like it.

Speaker 1 Chris, do you sleep in this room? Leave him alone. I'm not going going to leave Teach alone.
He's leaving, he's bothering my daughter. He's just already leave him alone.
Okay, you're right.

Speaker 1 He's not that bad of a kid. Look, I'm just scared.
I'm scared, Rivington. I'm scared that you're growing up too fast.

Speaker 1 Watch me grow. Wee!

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. How did you do that? You're 10 feet tall.

Speaker 1 I'm growing out of the house. Bloop, boop, boop.
Let me grab onto your hair.

Speaker 1 He came in.

Speaker 1 Who? Teach?

Speaker 1 The end. The end.
The end. It was so long before Don had another line.
All right. Here's the problem with the three people.
What was that?

Speaker 1 This was American Buffalo by David Mehmet. Mama.
And thank you for respecting all the pauses and ums and uhs. Yes, of course.

Speaker 1 The problem with three people is that it

Speaker 1 becomes

Speaker 1 what here's what's better about it being two people. Okay.
Is that you're forced to make it more of a conversation.

Speaker 1 So then when the other two people are having their own conversation that has nothing to do with the other person, then it's not as much, I feel like it's not as much fun to follow. Do you want to do?

Speaker 1 Let's do one more. Let's do one more.
I only have two plays here, but I can try to find out. I thought your office was filled with plays.

Speaker 1 They're over there, and I'd have to walk. But I'll walk.
Here.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's got to be a different style. Okay, okay.

Speaker 1 I will say I am starving.

Speaker 1 Well, we're almost to the end of this episode.

Speaker 1 You made your bed. I'm growling.
You got here too late. You're right.

Speaker 1 You're right. If you'd had gotten here 20 minutes earlier, I would be eating lunch right now.
You're right.

Speaker 1 That's a fact.

Speaker 1 Facts, dear.

Speaker 1 But I had to feed my daughter. Okay, I'm going to throw you.
Lauren, I'm going to throw you this one. Okay.
Okay. Here we go.

Speaker 1 I found one. He found one.

Speaker 1 I love it. He didn't catch it.

Speaker 1 Okay. Thanks so much.
Here's how it can work with three people, I think. Okay, how? Is if the two people who don't have the play trade off responded.
Oh, okay. It's funny.

Speaker 1 I was just thinking about this play last night.

Speaker 1 What were you thinking about?

Speaker 1 I used it in something I wrote.

Speaker 1 Sure, Chicago.

Speaker 1 What did you say? The thing we have to do?

Speaker 1 We're just going to switch off. We'll switch off responding to you, yes.

Speaker 1 All right, let's find the beginning. Oh, you're going to the beginning? Well, the beginning of a scene, so I can kind of like start a scene.

Speaker 1 It might just be one long scene. Oh, here we go.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Not reading that word.

Speaker 1 This is another David Mapper say, by the way.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 You fucking build it. Men come.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 But it's harder to do than you're thinking. You're absolutely right.
I mean, I have an opinion, too.

Speaker 1 I think that it's actually easier.

Speaker 1 They have.

Speaker 1 Say it. They have stinkies.
Look, look, look, look.

Speaker 1 When they build your business, then you can't fucking turn around, enslave them, treat them like children, fuck them up the ass, leave them to fend for themselves. No.

Speaker 1 No, you're absolutely right. And I want to tell you something.

Speaker 1 Before you tell me something, I want to call HR. I'm really uncomfortable.
I want to tell you what somebody should do.

Speaker 1 Well, what they should do is figure out a way to build it faster. Someone should stand up and strike back.

Speaker 1 Like the Empire? Somebody.

Speaker 1 Me? Should do something to them. Okay, well, look, I feel like this is getting punitive at this point.
Something to pay them back. Someone, someone should hurt them.
Murray and Mitch.

Speaker 1 No, that's what he meant by punitive. Yes.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 I'm uncomfortable with this kind of revenge kind of business dealing. How? Do something to hurt them where they live.

Speaker 1 You're scaring me right now? This is very scary to me. Someone should rob the office.
Whoa. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 If we were that kind of guys to knock it off and trash the joint looks like robbery and take the fucking leads out of the files, go to Jerry Graff.

Speaker 1 Jerry Graff, is he the guy? He's got, he's like really short and he's two feet tall. He's two feet tall.
He's always smoking a cigar. What can we get for them? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Buck a throw, buck a half a throw. I don't know.
Hey, who knows what they're worth? What do they pay for them? All told, must be at three bucks a throw. I don't know.

Speaker 1 I had a million of them once and they paid me $5. So I don't think they're as valuable as what you're thinking.
The Glen Garry. The premium leads, I'd say we got 5,000.
Five?

Speaker 1 5,000 leads. That's a lot for Plaid.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, I agree. I mean, you said it.
Yes, and I'm saying it right after you. Yes, indeed.
Kraft? Well, because I worked for him.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's right. You had the little apron on and the paper hat.

Speaker 1 No, what do you mean? Have I talked to him about this? Yeah, you worked at the Corn Dog on a Stick place, the Hot Dog on a Stick.

Speaker 1 no we're just we're just no it was corn it was corn dog we're just speaking about it as an idea it's funny because it's a hot dog on a stick but it's actually a corn dog you think it would be like corn dog on a stick but instead like you don't get there and get like literally just a hot dog on a stick yes you know what i mean yeah she agrees so you agree that you worked there no

Speaker 1 So you disagree that you didn't work there? No.

Speaker 1 So you agree to disagree that you didn't work there when you worked there? As a robbery no

Speaker 1 oh i see so you you never took anything not even one free hot dog hey

Speaker 1 everyone takes a free hot dog not actually no oh wait a minute no no no it wasn't a hot dog on a stick it was orange julius no not actually it was orange julius on a stick what did i say You haven't said anything about it.

Speaker 1 I just were looking at those old pictures of you that you showed us. Yes.
You didn't tell us. I said not actually.
The fuck you care, George? We're just talking.

Speaker 1 George is just asking to clear up your hot dog business.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yes, we sell hot dogs.
I think it would be instructional for us to know how many you sold per year. That's right.
It's a crime. It is a crime, and it's also very safe.

Speaker 1 So you did steal hot dogs and you got away with it. That's right.
I want hot dogs then. Have I said that? You kind of implied that you could get us hot dogs.
Did I say that?

Speaker 1 Yes, I mean, you may as well have. Is that what I said? It's heavily implied in what you did.
What did he say? He'd buy them.

Speaker 1 I mean, yes, I bought them because you caught me stealing them and you made me pay for them, but I didn't want to. Yes.
I would also buy them. I would buy hot dogs, yes.
A buck a shot.

Speaker 1 I feel like you can get them cheaper at the market. However, they are, that's the deal.
A buck a throw, $5,000, split it half and half. If they're cooked, a dollar seems reasonable.

Speaker 1 If they're raw, I'm going to say 75 cents. Yes, $2,500 a piece, one night's work on the job with Graf, working the premium leads.
That's too much for hot dogs. $2,500 a piece? Is that what I said?

Speaker 1 It's what you literally just said. $2,500 a piece.
He would take you on, yes.

Speaker 1 You want me to fight him? I'm not going to. This is my dear friend.
I'm not going to fight him. Yes, it is, George.
Yes, it's a big decision and it's a big reward.

Speaker 1 It's a big reward for one night's work, but it's got to be tonight. Don't I have a say in whether or not he fights me? What? What? The leads.
Oh,

Speaker 1 you want me to fight the leads. That's right.
The guys are moving them downtown after the 30th, Murray and Mitch, after the contest. That's right.
Murray and Mitch are the leads in the play. Yes.
And

Speaker 1 you want him to fight them so that we can take their place. You.

Speaker 1 Me? Now I'm doing it? You.

Speaker 1 I don't think he should do it. I mean, I'm so much stronger than him.

Speaker 1 You have to go in. You have to get the leads.
I'm very scared of both Mitch and Murray because they're so handsome. Yes.
I mean, they're Broadway quality actors.

Speaker 1 I know it's just community theater, but. It's not something for nothing, George.
I took you in on this. You have to go.
That's your thing. I've made the deal with Graf.
I can't go. I can't go in.

Speaker 1 I've spoken on this too much. I've got a big mouth.
The fucking leads, et cetera, blah, blah, blah. The fucking tight ass company.
All right. If this deals with George, that's one thing.

Speaker 1 I don't want to be part of this. I don't want to take on Mitch and Murray.
They're too handsome. I'll get nervous and start stuttering.
What will they know? That I stole the leads?

Speaker 1 I didn't steal the leads. I'm going to the movies tonight with a friend, and then I'm going to the Como Inn.
Why did they go to graph? I got a better deal. Period.
Let them prove something.

Speaker 1 They can't prove anything. That's not the case.
I thought you wanted us to beat up Mitch and Murray. You want us to steal that, like kidnap them? Yes.
Oh, that's, I think that's a crime. Yes.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 I don't see how you profit off of this. Oh, yes, George.

Speaker 1 Okay, so I guess the ransom is how you'd make it. Listen to this.
I have an aliboy. I'm going to the Como Inn.
Why? Why? Place gets robbed. They're going to come looking for me.

Speaker 1 me why because i probably did it are you going to turn me in george are you going to turn me in no i'm not going to turn you in uh i'm going to turn myself in because i'm out i don't want any part of this they come to you you're going to turn me in yes i am they're going to come to everyone Okay, sure, but look, I don't want to star in this Broadway, you know, revival of funny girl that much.

Speaker 1 You wouldn't, George. That's why I'm talking to you.
Answer me. They come to you.
You're going to turn me in.

Speaker 1 Me? Because I already said that I'm going to you. Are you sure?

Speaker 1 He's sure. I'm sure.
We're all sure that we don't want any part of this. And listen to this.
I have to get those leads tonight. That's something I have to do.

Speaker 1 If I'm not at the movies, if I'm not eating over at the end, if you don't do this, then I have to come in here.

Speaker 1 Okay, so

Speaker 1 it seems like you're going to the movies, and then we're supposed to kidnap Mitch and Murray, and then you need an alibi. I don't understand this.
And rob the place.

Speaker 1 We're going to rob the backstage funny girl revival of all their props and they take me then they're gonna ask me who are my accomplices

Speaker 1 well but I mean we would not be the accomplices we would just be doing it because you're at the movies absolutely well now that you say it out loud I think this plan is good scene

Speaker 1 all right that's it that's it we did that's it we did it listen freedom usa hungry

Speaker 1 and angry and we're all horny and angry

Speaker 1 um we're freedomusa at gmail.com. If you want to write to us, send us something.
We are also

Speaker 1 ha ha la inpu on the phone. If you want to leave us a voicemail, we are threedomusa on Twitter and Instagram.

Speaker 1 And if you would like to listen to ad-free versions of this show, you can go to Stitcher Premium or cbbworld.com. And you know what?

Speaker 1 Just keep being awesome. You guys are so.
awesome. We do love you.
It's true. We love you.
You're awesome. We just want you to listen to us.

Speaker 1 And listen we're about to eat so whatever you're doing why don't you eat at the same time and then it's like we're eating together yeah it's like we're having lunch it's like

Speaker 1 goodbye

Speaker 1 story pirates is the number one podcast for kids and families in the world and the newest addition to the Lebanon Media Network.

Speaker 1 We take stories written by real kids and turn them into sketch comedy and songs, featuring professional actors, famous guests, and original music.

Speaker 1 So get ready to light up your kids' imaginations with a show that you'll also enjoy. The Story Pirates Podcast, new season coming November 6th.