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I'll see you in your dreams.

Hey, it's me, Steve Burns, and I'm so glad you're here because you and I go way back, right?

Yeah.

And look at us now.

Like we're all grown up.

We've got this new podcast where we talk about all this grown-up stuff and there's special guests like Jamie Lee Curtis and Bill Nye.

But for the most part, it's about you.

I mean, it's always been about you.

From Lemonata Media, a live with Steve Burns is coming September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts, or you can watch every episode on YouTube.

Freedom!

What is that?

What's that?

What is that?

How do you just do that?

I feel like when I yell it, it's not as as clear.

Okay, let's see.

Freedom.

Freedom!

Okay, interesting.

You heard what I said, though.

I did.

I didn't hear what I said.

Freedom.

Freedom.

What did I say?

What did I say?

What did I say?

That's what I said.

I'm she.

For these purposes.

She is I.

I'm a character named she.

And everything I say is fucking disgusting.

If there can be a her, why can't there be a she?

Honestly, that should be a comedy bang bang character, she.

And it's always, that's what she said but it's like everything she said right you can do the next episode okay okay okay here i come that's a great idea here i come and who

better to embody this disgusting woman

put that in the hole

that's what she said

that's all it is folks put that in the hole hi everyone welcome back to three days thank you man i appreciate it i'm paul yes i'm lauren i'm scott and we haven't uh i know there was an episode last week but we haven't recorded one in person

for over a month.

Is that so?

I believe so.

Wow, crazy.

You were out of town.

I was out of town for a long trip.

Yeah.

A long trip.

And you were also touring a bit as well?

I, no, I was working in a television program.

Oh.

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

So we all have our things.

Yeah, 60 minutes.

You were the scare being the clock?

They let me wind the clock.

Okay.

Yeah.

It's big, by the way.

Oh, is it sort of like the hoodsucker proxy that giant yeah i have to climb up on a stepladder and use both hands together okay so when they film it they're just right because it's very tight they really let it yeah leslie stahl has to walk in front of it just to give us perspective the camera is back is so far away from it to get all of it in it's like mount rushmore looks so small and then when you actually get there it's have you been two times the size you think it is have you been there i've never been i've i i investigated it at one point and then i heard

it's kind of boring where is it yeah north Dakota, software.

How much better is it going to be than a picture?

I don't know.

He said for miles in North Dakota.

Where do you think it is?

I don't know where it is.

Isn't it in Tennessee?

No.

No, I believe it is in one of the Dakotas, right?

Is it North Dakota?

No, I know South Dakota.

I think it's where is Mount Rushmore located, Siri.

You have to talk to her that way.

South Dakota.

Okay, I wasn't so crazy with that.

It wasn't so crazy.

Keystone, South Dakota.

I really had to do that.

I was in the code 57751.

Great.

I wonder if it gets mail.

Just send a letter to

me.

I've been missing you guys.

I've been missing you guys.

It doesn't feel like we could ever create anything like Mount Rushmore ever again.

Good.

It sucks.

I know it sucks.

No, you know, if we made it now, it would be so, it would be made of such bad materials.

Plastic.

Exactly.

But it feels like, first of all,

everything is built already.

Like every building.

Yeah, every idea has been named.

We have all the buildings you could ever have.

We have all the water features.

They gone about as far as they can go.

There you go.

Who would be on it now?

Pam Bondi.

Theo Von.

Wow.

Who would be on your podcast, Rushmore?

Who would be on your Rose Russ Rushmore?

Your podcast Rushmore.

It's a podcast version of the movie.

Rushmore.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's Theo Von.

Oh, if Rushmore was a podcast, would it be better?

Yeah, because I think it with the visuals were distracting.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because I maybe I wanted to decide how the people looked.

Me too.

And I think the colors I would have picked just totally different color palette.

Yeah, like orange.

Yeah.

Purple.

Orange, purple.

Orange and purple.

Halloween colors.

Orange, purple, black.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ooh, Halloween's coming.

According to every store, it's right around the corner.

I just bought a fall wreath for later.

Of course you did

at World Market.

I went to get a summer wreath because I had an Easter wreath.

Summer wreath.

I had an Easter wreath.

And I was like, well, I can't have this egg wreath up anymore.

And I took it down.

Then it's been upstairs.

It's a

bear door for

weeks, weeks, weeks, months.

And then I had to go.

I was like, I got to go to World Market.

I went and got a.

I got to go to World Market.

You know what?

You walk in, they're like, hello, Mrs.

Catherine.

I know.

And then I got my perfect wreath.

And then I also saw a perfect fall wreath, which was a little fox holding a bunch of acorns in the shape of a wreath with a bristly tail.

And it's going to be a hit.

Almost like the the Firefox logo.

It's not quite like that.

It's a little more like a cross-cutting.

Do you think anyone's going to come to your house and go, like, oh, wait a minute, I thought the Firefox logo?

Sorry, I thought I was online.

Am I at a browser?

Do you have a line of credit at World Market?

I don't.

I don't really believe in having credit cards at stores.

Interesting.

Meaning stores at the bottom of stores.

Yeah.

Do you believe in having them at stores of a bank's credit card?

Because I want to pay for stuff.

Yeah.

I think I had a store credit card.

I think when I first was able to get a credit card, when I was 18, I was like, is this the thing you're supposed to do?

Yeah.

Actually, 20.

When I was 20, I went around and got like store credit cards for every department store in the mall.

That's the reality.

It was 20.

Scott.

25.

I was 50.

It was the other day.

No.

What would you get?

Like, what stores are you thinking?

There's like a G department store.

It was like something like a blooming.

Gimbals.

Yeah, gimbals.

I was on in Miracle on 34th Street.

Gold, something.

I don't know.

Anyway, but I got

goldman's.

I don't

remember.

I can't remember.

This is in Santa Maria, California.

And I got

everyone was willing to give me.

It sounded like that to me.

Yeah.

And it was one of those things where you went in and they're like, how do you want to pay for this?

Do you want a credit?

Do you want to apply for a credit card?

How do you want to pay?

Do you want to pay using money you have right now or do you want to owe us money?

I was like, Oh, let me get this.

Would you like a discount and some debt?

Yeah.

So I went around to every store and got one and then defaulted on all of them and it ruined my credit for years.

Jeez, you were really crazy with money back in the day when you were a kid.

Yeah.

Oh, I was too.

I was like, I mean, you were, but that's a bold move to go get credit cards.

Were you doing that too?

I was, no, I didn't, I did not go to every store in the mall, but I did.

I was

when I started making actual money for the first time, I did not know the fucking first thing about being an adult.

Yeah.

And it was just like I spent it as I made it.

And, you know, it was just stupid.

I mean, I only made enough to live off of exactly, but I had a little notebook where I would write in every dollar I spent, including a bottle of water.

I would be like, bottle of water, one dollar.

I'd be so mad.

That's a crazy one.

Well, I was, I, if I ran out of money, I'd have a worse problem than that.

But yeah, I should have had credit cards.

Then you cut off a detective's wife's head and put it in a box.

I was so shocked that after paying my

first place

was so cheap.

I had this little tiny apartment that was not far from the old area.

The Wolf Studios.

I just passed it yesterday.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Last night.

And I was lucky.

Did you knock on the door and say, can I just see this?

My friend, you still live here.

No,

I got a ticket going to your place once.

Oh, yeah, because that bad stop sign.

We did it.

Yeah, so I passed it yesterday.

I went down that street and I was like, I thought it was bad for some reason.

Oh, that's right.

It doesn't go all the way through.

Yeah.

And so I had to, but I passed that stop sign.

I still think about that cop.

Of course.

Yeah.

But I passed your apartment.

It was like a little tiny place at a Murphy bed.

Wow.

And so would you fold it up every day, or would you kind of go, and the bed's the couch?

The bed's.

Most days I would fold it up.

Yeah, every time I went over there, it was up.

Well, yeah.

Well, especially.

Well, you weren't going to make love.

No, we fucked.

You fucked.

Stop making love.

Exclusively.

But you put your arms against the Murphy bed when you were in the middle of the day.

We had an arrangement.

but it was, my rent was $250.

Man, my that's crazy.

So the idea that I had money left over from my paycheck after I paid my rent was like, well, what year was that?

My rent was $265, I think.

And then it went, and I was there for a number of years, five years, I think, and it went all the way up to $310, maybe.

Wow.

This makes us sound a thousand years ago.

Well, no, but no, because it's like candy bar was a nickel.

But my rent was

cheaper.

But

compared to now, when I moved, it was, I moved here at the beginning of 2010, and my apartment was a one-bedroom, and it was $900.

And that actually was extremely cheap, and I was sharing the rent.

And so it was like the moving from New York, where at that time felt crazy compared to here.

Oh, sure.

But still, now that apartment that I lived in is now got to be $2,000 or more.

Do you think it still has TBS?

Well, if I wanted to watch it.

That's something I added to the place.

Why are they fucking doing this Harry Potter series?

They're just going to tell the same stories.

Yeah, but in more detail.

But the kid looks so.

I know someone who would be really into it sitting on a couch.

The kid looks so cute.

I saw the first look at the new Harry.

I think I saw the kids and my, I just glossed over it immediately.

Well, I'm happy for that.

I don't know who they're.

Yeah, of course you don't, but you're going to.

You're going to know their names.

They're going to be big stones.

I don't want to.

I don't want to know their names.

I don't care who's playing Hagrid.

My first apartment after I moved out of the one that I shared, my first solo apartment, it was $1,200 a month.

And I just thought that was just an enormous sum.

That's a large jump from $300 a month.

From three, whatever.

But at the time, I think I was working pretty consistently and I had a good amount of money.

So I was like, I had to sign a year lease.

I remember.

I was like,

$1,200 a month.

Yeah.

Okay, I'll try it.

But yeah, yeah, I was there for two years.

It's really terrible here now.

Yeah.

And yeah, now you have to share an apartment, I think, and it's still two grand or something.

It's rough, man.

We have

a lot of friends that are looking for a place right now, and it's really, it's really difficult.

No, they need to bring the prices down.

They do.

I'm a MIMBY.

Are you saying?

Maybe in my backyard.

Are you saying the rent is

too damn high?

I was about to say that.

You must pay the rent.

What's that?

I think we've talked about it.

I think we have talked about it.

No, but you know what I'm thinking of?

No, I know what your thing is, but I know what your thing was.

But

I don't know what something about what you just said, but have you seen that video from Musical?

What?

Have you had a stroke?

No, I'm fine.

Blurp.

That song.

Why is the left side of your face?

Okay, I am concerned.

I've lost the thread.

It's fine.

No,

no, that video of that girl who's like a cave girl.

And she's going, I don't want to do the work today.

I don't really want to do the work today.

Do you not know?

Cavegirl.

It's from a musical.

Which one?

I don't know.

Clan of the Cave Bear, the music.

What's it called?

I don't want to know.

She gets big laughs, but people like to send that one around.

I don't want to what?

I don't want to do the work today.

Do the work today.

I don't know what I said when you got worried about me.

Do you think that you must pay the rent and all that kind of stuff?

Were those the original memes?

Things that everyone would talk about in the schoolyard and no one knew what they came from?

Correct.

The original memes.

Firebringer is the.

It's a music about cave people?

I don't know.

I think it is.

Let's see what

the synopsis is.

Give me that synopse.

Oh, it follows characters in the prehistoric era where the invention of fire is studied.

Oh, and it's

studied.

It's from Chicago, which is why you're talking about it.

That's why I know.

Yes.

But speaking of songs, one thing I wanted to bring up is

I saw this the other day,

and I'm hoping I can find it on the internet.

Here it is.

You weren't going to play that girl singing that song?

I kind of wanted to hear it.

I thought we were heading towards that.

Well, I found the synopsis of what it is.

Here's a Star Kid firebrand.

I'm sorry.

We got work to do.

It's just not time for singing and dancing right now.

We got work today.

I don't really want to do the work today.

I don't really want to do the work today.

I don't really want to do the work today.

I don't want to do the work today.

What?

What good?

Uh-oh.

I don't really want to do that.

What's this?

And then you just post that one you don't want to work.

I don't really want to do the work today.

Was this successful?

I don't know what it is, and I don't know how it happened.

Star Kid Productions, but I've seen it.

Stop saying Star Kid Productions.

I know.

It sounds like you're trying to sell us on it.

Are you involved in the video?

We've heard

Star Kid Productions.

They're making a lot of noise.

Star Kid Productions.

I'm seeing a lot of clips.

I saw this the other day.

I want to play it because we've talked about Kids Bop a lot.

And this is a new Kids Bop jam.

Oh.

New Kids on the Bop.

That they've had to do a lot of work rewriting the lyrics on.

Oh, my God.

I'm so excited.

But first, here's a Target ad.

Great.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, this is a good song.

If you didn't know it was a Target ad, you would just be listening to Dealless Hole.

I don't want it to do the work to.

Oh, no.

You didn't have to cut me off?

What are they going to say?

They're just getting around to this one?

Like, why do they do this?

Well, because

this has been used as a, in some new song, I can't think of what it is or something.

This is anxiety.

Oh, yes.

Right where anxiety.

Oh, they're doing anxiety?

I thought they were doing the old song.

I don't think kids should be singing.

I was just gonna say, do kids need this?

No, listen to the rap.

Jesus.

This is one of Emmy's favorite songs, though.

The kids about version?

No, the real version.

Well, yeah, that's great.

Ow, ow, ow.

My ad art's reminding me.

Here's the rap.

Solo, no mojo.

I bounce back.

No logo.

Unhappy.

Oh, no, no.

New brands, no logos.

Money on my flow, got rhymes like bust up.

Think I I need a jacket, cold like rush up.

They could be my buttler, shining my cut love.

Shout out to my kids, bop, talk and just

do they did they name check kids bop in it?

Yes.

Well, honestly, like, okay, I, the original song is great.

I mean, the anxiety song, but that's really funny.

But I also feel like, oh, they must have felt cool when they were singing it.

Yeah, because they're all sort of strutting around in a fisheye lens, and they're all just sort of.

Oh, I forget there's videos of these kids doing these fucking songs.

That's cute.

Yeah.

They're on top of, like, it looks like the TMZ bus.

That doesn't sound safe.

You don't think being on top of one of those buses?

Is it a double-decker?

Yeah, and they're standing and dancing.

Yeah, they're not just on top of

a bus roof.

It's like an open-air.

Right.

Right.

I just.

I mean, rock.

I mean, rock.

Right.

Right.

That'd be so scary if you were on top of one of those buses and it went through a tunnel.

Nothing'd be fun.

I want to be out.

That'd be fine.

Nothing'd be fun.

That'd be fine.

Fun and fun.

It's great.

You have to figure they've worked out the route beforehand, right?

We have to figure out how to.

Do they have to behead anyone?

Well, because they're going over to so-and-so's house and this, that, the other.

Hey, just in case somebody gets up there, let's figure out the route so nobody gets beheaded.

And also, let's get everyone to duck really low.

Yeah.

Don't make it so that they're not looking and then at the last second they look up and that's when the head comes off.

I saw somebody painted like a Looney Tune style tunnel on a wall that was like hyper-realistic.

Do you think that could work?

And people were upset.

Because people

That is real.

I didn't click, and I don't know what happened next, buddy.

So you read a

post-picture.

Yeah.

There were just hundreds of dead coyotes in front of it.

People were upset.

Yes.

Oh, man.

Running splats into it.

Dead coyotes?

Let the bodies hit the floor.

Let the deer piss hit the wall.

I think it's not even deer piss.

It's not deer piss.

Because deer is like, coyotes eat deer.

They would.

No, we sprinkled the piss everywhere.

What is the piss?

We sprinkled the piss.

What animal was on the box of piss that you had?

God, I can't remember.

Woof piss?

Woof piss?

It might have been woof piss.

Or lion piss.

Lions and coyotes.

That's probably cheap, right?

Lion piss?

They're just pissing it around all day.

It's just piss.

How could you ever justify the price?

It's just piss.

Okay.

It's just

20.

Let's make it five.

It's just piss.

For a gallon of it.

All I had to collect it.

Yeah, I had to pick it up.

For a gallon of piss.

Let me tell you, putting a catheter in a lion's peen is not easy.

You should be paying me.

You take this off your head.

You don't think they just scoop it up off the grass?

Scoop it up.

They just have them stand in a big bowl?

I would just have it.

You have them stand in like a kiddie pool.

Yeah.

And just

piss the day away.

But then if it's inflatable, their claws could pop it.

If it's inflatable, it's not inflatable.

It's plastic.

It's an old school plastic one.

It's plastic.

That's what it is.

Cast iron, maybe?

A cast iron kiddie pool.

Yeah.

How about it,

blazing hot?

A porcelain tub, maybe.

You put a line in a porcelain tub, and they're like, but it's not natural for me to pee here.

And you go, just wait it out.

Just you're gonna pee eventually.

I'm gonna turn on a little trickle of water, and you're gonna start peeing.

And oh, I didn't caught the drain.

Oh, that one.

Hold on, it's a gallon gone.

You, oh no, we forgot to

drink the water out of the porcelain tub, and then when it's all gone, he has to go pee-pee.

Then you just keep him in there and you say, Buddy, just let your body relax.

We'll clean off your feet.

I know it seems wrong.

Your body relax.

don't think about it it's not i know you're not on a toilet but don't think about it the way the when you think about like the muscles in your body oh man i think about them all the time check these out

yeah that you're able to that you're not aware of using like if you have to go to the bathroom really badly and then you are exercising something inside you that's cutting off that valve.

Right.

Yeah.

So it's like, not yet.

Yeah.

It's why it's so weird to me.

The fact that you have control over it, and then you can lose control over it as well.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You can lose control.

Make me lose control of my balance.

Music make me lose control.

What is that from?

Missy Elliott?

Music make me lose control.

Do you remember the last time you had a pee so bad and it was like close to peeing your pants?

I don't.

Me neither.

But you know what?

I'm sure it was recent.

Let's hear Missy Elliott lose control.

But first, here's an ad from

Soda Thoughts Diner.

Why do you help the company?

What's funny is you could just go to your phone and use whatever streaming service you subscribe to.

There it is.

Okay.

I haven't heard this in such a long time.

I love

it.

I'm remembering.

Yeah, the the little kid who's grown up now.

Allison Stoner.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She was so great.

And I just love, I love little

kid.

I was so ready to believe that.

I think she's actually really cool.

I saw some posts from her where she's like doing cool stuff now.

Like she's off the grid a little bit.

Riding a log floon.

That kind of thing.

But I love when little kids can dance so hard with that.

It's so cute.

I'm unnerved when little kids are too good at dancing.

At anything, really.

Something.

Well.

Like you see the Tiger Woods when he's five years old, like hitting

drives.

That doesn't bother me.

For some reason, it's only dancing because it looks too sophisticated.

Yeah.

Like you know something.

It's uncanny.

Yeah.

You know?

Well, a lot of times people are.

Like if I see a kid shredding on a guitar, I'm like, that's wild.

Yeah.

Well, I think a lot of times when I see a video of dancing now on Instagram, I think it's AI.

Sure.

I don't know if I should believe it.

Sure, sure, sure.

How are we ever going to believe anything anymore?

I'm sure I've mentioned this because I feel like like I have, but

that musician, David Foster, who wrote all.

He's married to Catherine McPhee.

He is.

And he has a child with her who is like, from my estimation, a drum prodigy.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Drumming.

He was absolutely amazing.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

My friend who's a musician told me a story about...

I think maybe they're a famous drummer now.

I can't remember, but like when they were three years old, they had a toy drum set and

just banging around according to the parents and then a like musician or music executive came over to the house and was like oh no this person's like a prodigy and the parents had no idea because like it's just like you're just so they sold the drums immediately yeah like we didn't thank you for telling to pay for the hair

yeah they all had hair they all had hair after that they all bought hair

they got long wigs did you see that video of uh it's two women in uh in a big yes i did

hold on let them narrow it down okay sorry go ahead Two women doing what now?

They are playing guitar in a big machine.

Are they in clothes?

This is the rubber palm.

I think it's a Scott hasn't seen.

They're playing guitars in a big mariachi band.

And while they're playing, they're clearly like gossiping.

Like they're telling, one is telling a story about something.

Just while they're playing, really proficiently.

It's the craziest thing I've ever seen.

I think to be able to do that and talk at the same time.

Like even singing and playing a guitar at the same time mystifies me.

I think singing and drumming is the one that is like Phil Collins or the jellyfish drummer.

Don Henley.

It actually is really amazing when you

try it yourself, which I mean, I don't know how to play an instrument well.

So that's already step one.

Yes, exactly.

I'm a little bit screwed at that point.

But I've tried it, you know, at times, like, learn a song on the ukulele and then like sing along with it.

And it's like, I'm so focused on the notes that I'm like, I don't know.

I'm like, it is actually amazing that people can do that with two parts of their brain at the same time.

And then being Jimi Hendrix, being on fucking drugs.

And then playing guitar while lighting it on fire at the same time.

I think that was an account.

We found out that was an accident.

That was an accident.

Oh, he didn't mean to.

He did that.

What about when Michael Jackson sang while his hair was on fire?

Now that was on.

All right, we have to take a break.

Let me tell you something.

When you're talking about small things,

there's nothing small about about starting your own business.

What do I know about it?

I'm just a dumb comedian.

Well, guess what?

I sell things to people who are dumb enough to like my comedy.

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Cha-ching.

Guys, there's someone I want to introduce you to.

Okay, who?

J-Lab.

Oh, is that

you're saying J-Lo, right?

No, no, no.

Really?

No, you're incorrect.

Okay.

And no, it's not my girlfriend.

I'm happily married.

Thank you.

Okay.

It's J-Lab.

You don't have a side piece?

J-Lab.

Okay, J-Lab.

Tell me about J-Lab.

What is J-Lab?

They are headphones and speakers as vibrant as your summer.

Beach days, workout sessions, or chill moments, you can find the perfect sound.

With J-Lab, as I previously mentioned.

I got some of these.

Oh, so you know.

Yeah.

J-Lab's colorful collection has something for every summer adventure and every moment.

Okay, here, Lauren.

Picture headphones and speakers in fresh summer colors with features you actually want for things like beach workouts.

Have you ever chilled by a pool?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or like sunset jamming sessions.

We all do those, right?

You're telling me something I already know because I recently got a pair of J-Lab's J-Buds Lux over-ear headphones in the color cloud, which was honestly the perfect gray.

It's pretty good.

It goes with everything.

It's chic.

It's cool.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, they've been the perfect companion for my summer travel because let me tell you, they're lighter than my other headphones that I had before.

Yeah.

They fold up, which my other ones didn't do.

These are things that make it much easier to travel.

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They're super comfortable.

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That's what I love.

I could not fold my other ones.

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They actually connect.

Unlike, remember when we were on tour last year, Paul, and I was watching Aliens Resurrection and

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Yeah, yeah, they were really bad at those aliens.

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Paul, Paul, wake up, wake up.

Sorry, was I snoring?

I don't think so.

I have

a new feature on the show.

What?

This little segment.

This is a new segment.

Okay.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I didn't mean to claim it was a feature.

This is a segment I call two assholes.

Oh.

I don't like the sound of it.

No, this is about two other assholes that I saw right now.

Good, good.

Now I like it.

I think I'm interested.

All right.

There's two people that I ran into since the last episode that we just did.

Shall we call them asshole number one and asshole number two?

Asshole number one.

Two people you ran into that you don't know.

Don't know these people.

Okay.

But I'm here to call them out.

Good.

Okay.

Me and the family who was visiting during the summer, we all went to the.

Was this your first time meeting this family?

Yes.

No, yeah.

It was a random drawing.

You did do that.

Yes, I finally did that.

I'm so glad.

But, Paul, we have to ask, what's up with your cameo?

People are saying it's not active.

No, this is unfortunately, I am very busy right now, and so I cannot do it, but I'm going to, I will.

I'm going to activate it because people want to buy it.

I know, but then I can't do the cameos in a timely manner.

Yeah, just say, like, I'll do these eventually.

No, but this is what happened to me before.

It's like, I ate it build up.

I got behind, and then I let people down.

And I don't want to do that.

I'd love to watch that.

I bought a cameo the other day as a bit that was extremely sad.

People are not buying them as bits.

I don't know what's going on.

Yeah.

They're only to be bought as bits.

If you're a person on a reality show and someone's buying a cameo,

it's not because they like you.

Like, so my friends had received a cameo from this person years ago.

And then we were talking about this person as a reality star.

And we were texting

about them again.

And then, and then Mike and I were like, should we buy a cameo right now for them to be funny?

And so they'll be like, okay, let's go do it.

Your show gets ordered.

Let's buy a cameo.

Well, we looked it up and I was like, you know, wondering how much it was going to be.

So we bought it.

Did you write it on your little book?

I did.

It wrote my book.

I should bring that back, honestly, because things are out of control.

I should write it in my book.

But we bought it and there was an option to pay more for it to be delivered within 24 hours.

I was like, you know what?

No, let's not do that.

I got it well within 24 hours and it was delivered.

It was six minutes long.

I

six minutes.

And then we got on FaceTime and we were talking, and we were, I was like, guess how much it cost?

I was like, the price is pretty crazy.

Guess how much it costs?

And they were like, $100.

And I was like, five dollars.

It was $5.

It should be more.

It should definitely be more.

For six minutes.

Cameo charge.

It's less than a dollar a minute.

Money from you when, like, they take a percentage.

Yeah, you have, I'm like, I don't know what you're about to tell this guy.

You got to charge more.

And then they sent me one back from him.

But it was, it was five dollars.

Two could play at that.

Now we can do it all day long because it's five dollars.

You can have a conversation

with this guy.

I'm also like, I don't think he's even clocking that all the names are the same.

But like there's four of us being named each time and like it's all the same.

But like,

the, and he just tells about random stuff.

And it's, it's very, it's entertaining.

But I couldn't believe it's $5.

I was like, that's, and it was $10 if you want it tomorrow, like 10 plus 10.

And I was like, well, no, I'm not going to pay 10 more.

I'm going to pay five.

Let's just see what happens.

And I got in 18 hours.

But it was just like the devaluing of yourself for $5.

I'm like, he's, he's someone who definitely could use the money.

I know that he's

living in a crazy place.

But I mean, if you're going to do it, charge $20.

$20 at least.

At least $25, maybe.

Oh, I thought he could honestly.

Here, $40.

I thought he could.

That's what you were bidding.

But then I'm sort of like, if it's five,

is he doing them all day long and he just gets so many because it's what I think.

And maybe there's something that's not going to be.

He's trying to do a volume business.

Yeah.

And so, I mean, they must know what cameo helps you price it.

I would bet that after each one, this person goes cha-ching.

Yeah.

Out loud.

Well, he lives in a place where things cost basically nothing.

So that's got to be true.

Okay, this is narrowing down who he is.

All right, back to my asshole.

Oh, what?

And the other one.

Oh, yeah.

And your additional asshole.

So we're going to this restaurant, which is in a mall.

It's Italy.

Why am I trying to obfuscate what the restaurant is?

Dachshund.

Dachshund restaurant.

Yeah, Dachett.

This is you and the family.

Yes.

So we all get out.

We're in the parking lot.

We're walking up to the restaurant.

This particular restaurant, the opening of it,

the entrance, as people say, is right there.

The ingress.

Yes.

Is right there off in the parking lot structure.

Perfect.

Right, because.

It's not like a mall structure.

No, it's not like a mall where it's part of it.

It's part of the mall, but the entrance to this, it's you know, it has a big name.

It says Italy right there, and it's right there next to the dedicated entrance.

Yes, yes, right.

People are milling about after a nice meal, right outside, having conversations.

A person who is parked right there next to the entrance in a huge douche canoe, aka cyber truck,

is

backing up, and he's backing up.

Doesn't the car make some weird noise?

Or the horn isn't a sound?

Oh, it's the horn.

So the horn is like akin to like.

The horn is like, wah, wah, yeah, an aruga or something.

Something weird.

It's just, it sounds like

it's not even a real horn.

So he's trying.

I want to hear a cyber truck horn.

Yeah, we're going to have to get the cue that off.

I don't care what ad we have to listen to.

I'll listen to an ad for anything.

Anything?

I don't care how long it is.

All right.

Here's one.

I ordered 200 hand-forged knives to my dorm room.

This is the website to sell them.

Ad4 Ad Wix.

I'm Noah Rosen, founder and owner of Forged Knives.

This next topic, there's a brand new sound.

Oh, this is a person talking about them.

Sometimes the way people make up videos so long.

I don't want to hear people talking about them.

Play the fucking noise.

All right.

Well, here's the new sound, whatever the news is.

The new cybertrop update just dropped, guys.

We got a new horn sound.

So I'm going to let you hear what it sounds like.

Oh, so it updates like over hours.

Oh, thank you for letting us.

This is the original horn.

Okay, it's not that.

He didn't use that.

Now let's do the update.

Okay.

24 hours later.

Did he fall asleep?

His update success.

Just like that.

The update is done.

It takes a minute.

And just like that.

Wow.

It doesn't sound like a computer malfunctioned.

Perfect.

Perfect.

It sounds very computer-ish, and it didn't get anyone's attention.

And of course, he's so excited.

It sounds great.

So it didn't get anyone's attention because it just sounds like a fake sound.

It also sounds like it's far away.

Yeah, it's not.

Yeah.

It didn't

sound real.

It didn't sound real.

So this guy's backing up and he's trying to get people's attention.

And everyone's having like fun conversations.

It wasn't the Cybertruck enough.

And then we try to not look at them.

He does it enough and he like rolls his window down.

He shouts, hey, hey.

And so everyone, hey, Cybertruck.

Hey,

I'm trying to move my big metal box.

Everyone backs up.

By the way, his cyber truck is too big to be parked parked this close to the entrance.

Yeah.

But he finally backs up.

He rolls down the window and he goes, What?

Have you never been around a car driving before?

Next time I should hit you.

What?

And this is asshole number one.

This is number one.

Well, he's worse than number one.

And you're sitting there with children?

Also,

he deserves.

That's disgusting.

Yeah.

What a loser.

He's a filthy animal.

I won't punch him in the nose.

Okay, so then what happened?

So what did you say?

No, I've never been around a a car that's driving.

I've only ever run parked cars.

I'm scared.

I would have been like,

oh, that's a car?

Oh,

I actually thought that.

I actually thought that was my grandmother's jewelry box.

Okay, asshole number two, and this guy's not as bad.

Okay.

This guy just bugged me.

This guy's just like,

yeah, I went to the doctor the other day, and

I thought for some reason

the two assholes would be in the same story.

No, sorry.

Yeah.

So sorry.

But it's been so long since we've been around each other.

I had to collect these assholes over multiple days.

It's called hanging out, not just being around each other.

Hanging out implies

that you've been around each other.

Hanging out now implies.

No paycheck.

No, it now implies like some sort of romantic thing.

Like, oh, we're just.

Oh, does it really?

Oh, it does?

Yeah.

Bring back going together.

going around as we used to say going we just got it going so i'm walking up the stairs to this enclosure

and i'm reading an article on my phone as i go up the stairs that's state number one to be

and i'm not i'm not defending myself improperly or trying to you know is this a twist where you're asshole number two yeah yeah

according to this guy yeah okay because i'm hugging the right side of the staircase yeah because i know go all you're looking anyway down, someone can come down the other way, bada bada, bada.

And there is plenty of room to my left

for people to come down.

But I'm.

If you're listening from another country in America, we have wide staircases.

And I'm very proud of it.

It's beautiful.

Beautiful.

Gorgeous.

Gorgeous.

I love how wide they are because I can twirl on each step, left to right, right to left.

So I'm maybe three steps from the top, and there's, I hear beep, beep.

Oh.

and I look up and there's a new Cybertruck horror.

It just sounds like a guy.

Beep, beep.

No, it's a gentleman.

It's an older gentleman, possibly 75 or so.

Okay.

That, that, I think, plays into him being annoyed that I'm on my phone or something.

He goes, beep, beep.

And I look up, plenty of room for him to get by.

And he goes, ha ha ha.

Isn't that funny, though?

Like, we all do that, right?

We're all on our phones and not looking where we're going these days.

And I just, and I didn't move or anything.

I didn't have to move.

I just like went, uh-huh.

And I went up the stairs.

And he tried calling after me, like, you know, still to continue the bid he was doing.

And I maybe he felt rude for doing the beep beep.

Maybe.

He was trying to soften it.

In his day, that was like slapping a glove across someone's face.

Yeah, beep beep.

Yep.

So this guy's annoyed.

Beep beep.

Everyone's on their phone, but they're not in his way.

Beep, beep.

So what, so what's his issue, I wonder?

His issue,

you know, I, but as I'm saying, beep beep.

When was the last time I said that?

It's like, that's something that was, it was definitely said to me as a kid.

You know, your parents would be like, beep, beep, like, move out of the way.

But it's condescending to another adult.

Well, I've had people coming at me who are reading on their phone and they're just about to bump into me.

I like to let them do that.

Yeah, I won't move.

I tend to just kind of put my hand up.

I'll fold my arms.

Keep walking.

I tend to put my hand up and sort of wave

them.

I like to reach my hand out like very tentatively to see if they're real.

Yeah, like if they're a hologram, yeah, and poke them right in the chest.

They could be now.

They could be AI now.

Here's what I think happened in that man's mind.

He saw that he was

maybe vaguely concerned he was going to get bumped into and knocked down the fucking stairs.

That's original style.

And he

was kind of annoyed.

annoyed.

He was like, beep, beep.

And then he realized, oh, wait, I've done that too.

Yeah.

Now I have to make it like, right, we all do.

Or he sees me not even move and

realizes like, oh, shit, I didn't have to do that.

I did not have to beep, beep, and I think you're right, though.

The realization of, of course, we've all done this.

Yeah.

Made him nervously say all the rest of it and

trying to get you to go like, it's okay.

Please cosign.

He's like, I take it back, everything I said.

I would not cosign.

I would not apologize.

Okay.

I just went along my merry way.

I have to say, and this is not to, this is not, I'm not, I'm on your side.

Am I the asshole?

No, no, no.

You are my friend?

AITA?

AITA.

AITA?

I don't think he was, I would not.

qualify him as completely an asshole because I think his sort of sheepish over-explanation.

Yes.

I also think he's from a generation who would prefer that I

nod to him or say, hey, good morning or something.

Because this is very early in the morning.

Good afternoon.

Oh, good morning.

Because I had to fast, you know, in order to be there and all that kind of stuff.

So we didn't know that part.

The solar system.

So you were having colonoscopy.

You don't have to fast for, oh, maybe you do.

Yeah, you do.

What do you do?

Oh, my God.

You absolutely have to.

Well, you have to.

That was the issue.

You have to not only fast, you have to clean out

all of the dirty

stuff in your body.

But I have to drink the juice shelby this was just to take blood but uh

but but yeah it was pretty early early in the morning i think he was of the generation who wants people to be like nodding to each other as they pass like good morning good morning mr madman i got

why aren't you wearing a hat i had uh i had blood drone one time i went to i had a doctor's appointment and uh

you know as we were talking about stuff the doctor said uh

yeah maybe we should get a blood sample have you had have you had breakfast today?

And I said, Yeah, I had like an egg and a vegetarian sausage.

I

did not add that I also had a pastry that morning that a friend had brought over.

And he's like, Okay, yeah, just go get it.

And then, of course, the results were insane.

Right.

This guy's blood is made of sugar.

And they're like, Oh, right.

They never admit it.

The first few times I had my blood drawn, they never really told me why you had to fast for it.

So I just didn't eat, but I had like stuff to drink and stuff.

And they're like, So, wait, you haven't

eaten and your blood results are this crazy?

I was like, Oh no, I had like orange juice and stuff.

Yeah, they're like, No, you can't have like any of the sugar in that.

That's liquid food, but

yeah,

well, all drinks are liquid food, you know, not water.

Well, have you ever had a ice?

Have you ever heard of ice?

Have you ever had a coke?

Have you had a cooked Coke?

Yeah, what have you had a cooked coke?

I love a boiled coke, yeah, deep-fried coke where it's so thick, Yeah.

And you can just cut it with a knife.

It's so cool.

Strange.

You know what I love even more is deep-fried Pepsi.

It's actually better.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

People shocked to hear it.

I was thinking of our Pepsi challenge the other day.

Fun.

Oh, man.

One of my proudest moments, honestly.

Well, absolutely.

What was the cola that you brought that I thought was so good?

I didn't like that one.

Was it the Boylans?

Yeah, it was Boylands.

Boylins is great.

Is that what it was?

No, but there was another one that was called another weird one that was

totally different.

The Boylans, though, was great.

I got to to order some of them.

You got to.

Boylins has a great line.

Sean made a note to self about that.

You know who has them in store, which is very rare.

I've never seen it anywhere else, is

Mendocino Farms.

Mendocino.

If you want a special soda, you go to, oh, yeah, that is their fountain drink, which is disappointing.

Why?

Well,

I think a lot of people just want to coke.

A lot of people don't want to do it.

A lot of people do.

I don't drink Coke.

Mendocino Farms, it's not for a lot of people.

It's for special people.

Okay.

Who want to feel like they're ordering a sandwich from a cult?

There's a store in Highland Park or Eagle Rock that is called Galco's,

G-A-L-C-O.

Okay.

And it's all soda pops.

It's all interesting.

Oh, I've heard of this place.

And they have also, they also sell puzzles, which Interesting puzzle.

You said all soda pops, and then you say they also sell puzzles.

So how does that make sense?

They sell all kinds of soda pops and puzzles.

You meant they sell all soda pops, like every soda pop you can think of.

Pretty much.

It's what it's, and they sell old candy, like vintage styles.

So they sell a lot of stuff.

It's, it's, Scott.

It's probably called something like Galco's Soda Pop or something.

But then they also have a couple other things.

So it's Galco's and a couple of other things.

Galco's Soda Pop and.

Maybe it's Gal and Company, and the company is all the other stuff.

Regardless,

it's the truth.

If you want butter and company, we could do, we could do a soda test using fun flavor or just a taste test where we try things.

You know what?

I would like like exotic sodas.

Yeah.

I would like I'll bring some in.

I would like that.

Like what's the most exotic soda you can think of?

Yeah, wolf piss.

Yeah.

Well carbonated.

If it's not carbonated.

Yeah.

Flat's not good.

No, then it's just wolf piss.

But yeah, it's carbonated.

If it's carbonated, it's

soda.

Yeah.

I'll see what they have.

Yeah, go see what they have.

I want to have another taste test.

Lauren, because you're from the Midwest, did you grow up saying pop?

I did.

And I've adjusted to make everyone else comfortable.

Thank you.

I realize I don't say pop anymore because it sounds almost like I'm trying to say pop.

Like it's a little affected.

I start.

I say it sometimes because I like it.

I like it better than soda.

I like to say a bottle of pop.

Sometimes I'll say, like, do you drink pop or something?

And then I'm like, you know what?

No one here says that.

It does sound like I'm trying to be different.

Yes.

Where I am from, we would say

pops would be used in terms of drinks.

Like you would say, we'll have a couple of pops.

Right.

Oh, oh.

Stop in here and have a couple of pops.

Like whiskey?

Like a drink?

It could be anything.

Oh, yeah.

Water, orange juice,

coconut water.

Well, like, would it be alcohol?

Coconut juice, alcohol, or you're saying any kind of beverage.

Like, let's just have a drink.

Okay.

Yeah.

I like that.

That's interesting.

Yeah.

Because also, what's just softened?

A couple of snorts.

I'm not going there and get drunk.

Coke snorts.

A couple belts.

Is it Philadelphia or somewhere else where they say like sprite is sort of like a catch-all?

No, that's a southern thing where they say Coke.

Coke is a catch-all and can include sprite.

Yes.

Like, hey,

I'll have a Coke.

What kind of Coke do you want?

Sprite.

Yeah.

And that's crazy.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It is crazy.

Yeah.

I've never heard Sprite as a catch-all, but Coke as a catch-all.

I think you're right.

I think I mixed it up.

And I think Sister SpaceX.

I used to do that for Kleenex.

Tonic?

Yeah.

Is that true?

Tonic.

Yeah.

Wow.

Wow.

No, your podcast didn't stop.

That

really had shut us down.

We didn't know what to do right to go.

I was trying to think of another tissue brand because I was like, hey, would you want a Kleenex?

Sure.

What brand?

Scott.

Scott tissue.

They're the two biggies, right?

Why has nobody done tissue brand tissue?

Yeah.

And then we're just tissue.

If it's not a tissue, it's not a tissue.

That's actually a good idea.

It's pretty good.

Let's look what's going on.

All right, let's do it.

Tissue brand.

Tissue.

That's what our business is going to be.

Yay!

They did a mobile company.

With our faces on it.

They did with what?

I said they did a mobile company, just broadly.

All right, we have to take a break.

Cooler temps are rolling in.

Doo-da-da-da.

And as always, Quince is where I'm turning for fall staples that actually last from cashmere to denim to boots.

I've seen you so furious.

I'm mad, but I'm getting happier.

The quality holds up, and the price still blows me away.

Quince has the kind of fall staples you'll wear non-stop.

Like super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters starting at $60.

I got to ask you about their denim.

Okay, well, their denim's durable and it fits right.

What about leather jackets?

They are real and they bring that clean, classic edge without the elevated price tag.

Sounds good.

What makes Quince different?

Hey, everyone.

Oh, hey, well, they partner directly with Ethical Factories and skip the middlemen.

So you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands.

Can I hear some personal experience from you?

Because I'm still a little skeptical for some reason.

Well, one of my favorite pieces from Quince is their 100% Merino Wool All-Season Short-Sleeve T.

Now, I've been trying to incorporate more natural fibers into my wardrobe, as I'm telling you all the time.

And wool totally fits the bill.

It's naturally heat-regulating, so it helps keep you warm in winter, cool in summer.

The perfect thing for this in-between season.

Now, I've been wearing mine so much, I just ordered one in another color.

I want to keep it classic and cool this fall.

Do you have any suggestions?

You should do that with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com/slash threedom for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

No, that's great.

How do you spell it?

I was gonna say

365-day returns is amazing because if you're like me, sometimes you forget to return something.

Yes, and yes, when you miss the window, like 200 days in, you might be like, I gotta return.

Honestly, I've done that before.

That's q-u-in-ce-e.com/slash threedom.

Free shipping and 365 days returns.

Quince.com/slash threedom.

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And we're back.

Hey, Paul.

What?

Fuck.

What?

Are you going to fucking ask me what a threecher is?

I don't know what it is.

Are you going to fucking ask me?

I wasn't going to ask you.

I just don't know what it is.

I'm afraid to ask him now, Lauren.

Fine, I'll do it.

Okay, you're going to be.

Hey, Paul.

Before you.

Wait, wait, no, no, no.

Before you...

Okay.

Now

there's the

game we like to play.

It's also

known as a buster, and I don't know what it's called.

Interesting.

Different approach.

Can you tell us what it's called, please?

I tell you what.

Why don't we

play a creature, and then if it goes well, I'll tell you afterwards.

Okay.

It's a deal.

We tricked him.

Yeah, we tricked him.

We totally tricked him.

We tricked him.

We tricked him.

We totally tricked him.

We tricked him.

We tricked him.

We tricked him.

Like, I tricked him.

Look at those low-slung balls.

Okay, this is what?

Callback.

Why?

Callback to what?

You looking at some low-slung balls?

No, to our show.

What did we never think of that?

I don't know.

We never said that.

Oh, I don't think we ever said that.

Okay, this is a three chair called Crazy Pet Return.

Submitted by Robert Troost.

Thank you, Troost.

And this is where somebody returns a crazy pet.

Yeah.

One person is returning their pet at the pet store because something's wrong with it.

They don't know what their pet is.

They don't know what's wrong with it.

The other two work at the pet store.

We do know these things.

So we're going to text each other.

Paul, you'll be the person trying to return

the pet.

And then

Lauren, you and I will text.

Why don't I text you what the pet is and you'll text me what's wrong with it?

Okay.

That's great.

And

I just need your number, Lauren.

I'm not going to say that out loud.

What if you never ever saw a number?

I'm like, I just don't feel comfortable giving it to you.

Like, just to email me.

Just see your mother's maiden name.

Okay.

I have sent the pet.

I got it.

And Lauren's going to send the affliction.

Our last texts are all weird things that we said on the show.

Yes.

Stop seeing each other for three turns.

Detrimental.

Boffo.

Triple cow sow.

Sal cow.

Whatever.

The number eight.

Okay.

All right.

Lauren has sent it.

I have yet.

Wait, what am I sending?

You're sending the affliction.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought.

Okay.

Okay.

So anyway, she says to me, No.

She's all.

Pardon me, sir.

And this is like a really accurate.

No, that sounds exactly

on the cameras.

Yeah.

Pardon me, but I have to.

How many fish do you have in this store?

It must be exhausting to talk like that, honestly.

We have one fish, and it's right there.

And it's the biggest fish you've ever seen.

Excuse me.

Oh, my God.

Do you remember me from before?

Oh, God.

Hey, ma'am.

Hello, ma'am.

Thanks for coming back in.

Absolutely.

Sorry, I couldn't buy the fish, and I had to settle for the other thing.

The bell didn't ring when you opened the door.

No, I silenced it.

Oh, you have a bell silencer?

Yeah.

Okay.

I gotta buy one of those.

Well, anyway.

It's like silly string cutters.

You just shoot it at the bell.

Just fill it up.

Fills it up.

Fills it up.

No, no.

What can we help you with?

Well, the pet I did buy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's a problem.

Well, naturally, this fucking bitch

always complains.

Excuse me?

Can't ever buy a pet without complaining.

Excuse me?

No, nothing.

Do you have to get biased or something?

The bias

is a good thing.

Or do you want to fart?

I want to.

Do you really want to fart, but you don't have to?

Do you really want to fart?

That's my business.

We have a side business, though, that can help you with that.

What's the side business?

It's a little tube that you put in your butt and lets the air come out.

A tube.

And it makes music.

It's called Toot Toot the Musical Fruit.

Why is it called the Musical Fruit?

Because that's what people will call you.

That's what you are.

Why not call it a flute?

All right, we'll call it the flute.

Just get off our case, man.

I'll tell you.

Tube, tube, the musical flute.

The more you eat, the more you fruit.

Anyway, does that solve your problem?

No.

What can we do for you, man?

This pet is defective.

You sold me a broke pet.

Okay.

No way.

Why would we do something like that?

What's wrong with it?

You tell me.

Look at it.

No.

I guess there is a little bit of a fixed.

Yeah, I mean, I see what she's talking about.

Look at that.

But this is something that could be fixed.

Look at this leg.

Yeah, you should go to the vet to have that looked at.

Yeah, that's not our problem.

That's a vet problem.

You sold it to me this way.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Because once it leaves the store.

Because I went to the vet and the vet said, I've seen this a lot.

It happens at pet stores.

Because we breed them.

I mean, it can.

You admit it?

Oh, I mean, yeah, I think everyone knew that.

Oh, my God.

She admitted.

We breed these things, but you're the one who wanted one of these.

These aren't even things that people normally have as a pet.

Yeah.

Well,

what do you have a lot of wood at your house or something?

Yes, I do.

Well, I used to.

Well, sure.

I mean,

is that why you bought this pet?

To get rid of all the wood?

I had too much wood in my house.

That's why I bought a beaver.

It's not that.

I don't actually think wood is part of it.

That's why I bought a woodpecker.

No, wood might not actually have anything to do with it.

What the fuck?

I really went through that wood.

If you buy some honey,

because sometimes their name has that.

I don't know if they like it.

I don't know if they eat it, but they might be it.

Did you want to buy a badger?

Yeah, an animal that's also a verb.

Yes, I did.

Do badgers like wood?

This one does, but that's not the problem.

What's going on with that leg?

Well, you can see for yourself.

It's not as it's supposed to be.

Compare it to the other ones, the other ones are normal badger legs

that go from the badger to the ground.

Yes,

but this one, oh, yeah, yay!

It's a little bent, sure, but that is just a symptom of the affliction that you're

is it broken?

It's probably because yes, it's broken.

But what part is it?

The leg, no, no, ankle, no, foot, no,

leg, shoulder, No.

Leg, shoulder.

Shin.

No.

By the way, there's no way to fix this.

It's just, you just gotta go to the bottom.

It rhymes with no.

That's why we keep saying no.

To get you to know that I'm rhyming.

It's too low.

No.

No.

It's a hoe.

No.

Although it might be.

It's just for show.

Just try every letter of the alphabet.

A broken toe.

Yes.

And And who gives a shit?

What a crazy return I'm making.

Who gives a shit.com?

You're the crazy one.

You're coming in here with a badger with a broken toe and wanting us to do something about it.

We bred that thing to live in your house and have no problems.

Sorry if they're all your wood.

Sorry if the toes are broken.

The broken toe is part of it.

Yes.

And you just have to put a little splint on it.

You should put that on the little sign

on the shelf, the badger shelf.

They all have different problems.

They're not all just broken toes.

By the way, badgers are omnivores.

And they don't typically eat wood, but we sold you one that would eat wood.

That's not the part I'm complaining about.

If a badger would eat wood, would a badger would eat wood?

I simply don't know.

Oh my God, we got to start a musical together.

We just did.

I don't want to do the work today.

I don't really want to do the work today.

I don't want to do the work today.

I don't want a random musical.

Broken toe, broken toe.

I say, no, no, no.

He's got to have all the toes that are straight.

And they go with him thread.

And then he's really great.

And the badger ate once.

He didn't have to, but he had to do what I say he has to.

Make me whole again with money.

Here you go, sir.

Cha-ching.

$40.

That's my cyber truck.

I'm sorry.

That's my new horn.

You forgot I'm a woman.

And you're $40

for the Badger.

And you can still keep the Badger.

How about that?

Oh, it's like one of those Amazon things where we know this is a piece of shit.

You keep it.

Who cares?

Isn't that crazy?

Thank you.

Bye, ma'am.

I I hope to never see you again.

What happened to your bell muffler?

I took it with me.

Wonderful.

Wow.

Badger with a broken toe.

Badger with a broken toe.

All right.

So now I would tell you.

Now, Mitt Romney?

Now Mitt Romney is

his favorite meat of hot dog.

Oh, I love hot dogs.

And Bowser Dollar Bet.

He said his favorite meat was hot dog.

Yes.

My favorite meat is hot dog.

That's so crazy.

I was somewhere the other day.

Do you think he's being super American

by saying that?

I think it's because he's super weird.

Yeah.

I was somewhere the other day saying $10,000 bill

to someone.

This is the fucking craziest moment.

Because we had some sort of disagreement.

I was like,

he looked at me like, what?

That's the response it always gets.

$10,000 bill.

By the way, I had a dream last night where you and I were having a silly argument about

something.

You were saying

that Zach Alfanakis had sort of tricked you into thinking

that

there were two songs, there were only two songs that referenced baldness.

Yeah, I thought this was real for a second.

I can't even think of one that does.

I can't either.

And I was like, Does Pitbull have one?

I was like, No, there's nothing.

How bald is a pool?

Pool cue.

Baldness of Pool Cue.

This is an interesting trivia.

Bald as a pool cube.

I'm bald as pool hall.

And I was saying, no, no, no, there's only, everyone knows there's only one.

I think I'm going bald by rush.

And then I was trying to figure out, did you really?

Did you really believe that there were two when there's clearly only one?

Or were you fucking with me?

So you were making fun of me.

This, this sounds like you were having anxiety about doing this episode.

Anxiety.

No mojo.

No mojo.

Like Flojo.

Gotta take no pogo.

All right.

So I'm going to text Paul the affliction.

Paul's going to text me the animal.

And Lauren, you're going to.

Oh, and somehow John Lithgow was involved.

He sang the

actual existing bald song in some show.

So we were looking it up.

All right, what am I texting you?

You love cameoing in your dreams.

It's funny.

You're came.

I'm excited to see you.

You're sending me the animal.

I'll send you the animal.

Now, the last text from Paul is a gif, no, not even a gif, an emoji of a

money embedded.

What's the famous money mouth?

The money mouth, yes.

He used to just have the dollar signs in his eyes and now

you can put it on his tongue, too.

Oh, actually.

I have to look at that.

I don't know that I've actually

swapped that differently.

You know what?

I'm going to copy it and I'm going to send it to you, Lauren.

Well, I'm going to find it right now in my emojis.

You know what?

I'm just going to send it to you so you have a nice big version.

There you go.

I just sent one to you too.

That's nice.

Thank you.

Oh, his tongue looks great.

His tongue really does look great.

His tongue looks great.

Tongue looks great.

Oh my God, look at him.

I don't want to do the work, Teddy.

Anyway,

excuse me, ma'am.

You don't want to.

We're the ones working here.

You don't have to do the work.

It's pretty respectful if you're going to come in our store.

Excuse me.

Hey, thanks for hiring me, by the way.

Hey, I love you.

Oh, you're new.

You're new here.

I love you, too.

You're new here?

My new hair.

You're new here?

Relatively, yes.

I mean, like the last hour.

Yeah, I just started

to what?

To a dinosaur?

Relative to anything.

Your span of human history?

Sure.

Is that what you're here to talk about?

Cleopatra's reign?

I actually, right here, I have a big problem.

I'll say

food.

As fuck.

Now, you might remember me from being here last week purchasing a new special pet that was going to change by.

So many customers, I can't remember them all.

Well, I was very crazy for my brain to be able to do it.

Well, does this ring a bell?

Oh, I forgot to shoot at that.

This animal here.

I got the bell muffler back.

Does this animal ring a bell?

You're certain you bought it at this shop?

Yes, because I came in.

It was my birthday.

You both sang a song to me.

That's not what you sang.

Half a liter of

birthday juice.

Yeah.

That's what she sang.

And I had never heard that one before, and I thought that was a good thing.

We see not all of our customers.

You were just a customer, but you turned around and took your hat off and sang.

Absolutely.

I put it over my heart.

Yeah.

Anyway, I'm new to the area, so if I may be able to do it.

Where are you from originally?

San Marino.

Oh, I love that area.

Yeah.

Okay.

Why are you returning this gorgeous pet?

Well, I think it's pretty obvious.

First of all, this pet didn't fit through my door.

How small is your door?

What are we on?

Match game?

Well, this mouse.

Huh?

This mouse.

Are you mouse in your pocket?

This mouse over here is I want to let go because I want to feed it one of your snakes.

Please don't.

Oh, well, thank you.

I appreciate that.

By the way, our store is mainly snakes.

So it's weird that you brought this animal in.

This animal.

That's why it's called Soda Pops Only.

And is this...

Would you call it a rabbit?

No.

I would.

Would you?

But I'm not.

Oh, yeah, he's crazy.

He would call it a rabbit.

Hey, you're a rabbit.

Its ears are very long.

I think they're proportional for

the animal.

Yeah.

Hair is gray.

Well.

Okay, that's fine.

What's visible is gray.

Yeah, no,

well, I think the top is gray.

Probably.

It's allowed to be.

It's such a common animal that you had to Google it right now to look at what it looks like.

I'm googling other things.

He's addicted to porn.

You've heard that Robert Palmer song.

Might as well face it, you're addicted to porn.

Open

computer.

Turn on Google.

Search for all my porn right now.

Okay.

Been nice knowing you, ma'am.

Thank you.

Can't push me out the door.

I'm a gingerbread man.

Your problem with the hair is the color?

My problem with the hair is not the color.

I'm just trying to narrow down the type of animal this is.

You didn't even know what it was when you bought it?

It's a cat.

No.

It's a dog.

No.

It's a turtle.

No.

No.

It's a tortoise.

No.

It's a kangaroo.

No.

It's a wallaby.

It's a porcupine.

You'll know what it is from what it eats.

And by the Trail of Dead.

It eats grass.

you see all the dead things does it eat snakes do you does it eat grass no it has a sweet tooth it eats candy no candy of the forest whatever that is fruit no no is it a bird no it's you eh

wait are you

oh i think we let's cap let's catch her we can sell her cat collar

honey so you should sell this out

i whistled at you Okay.

I don't know.

I don't know what's going on, but it's you like candy of the forest, don't you?

You have it occasionally.

This thing won't sleep.

In your Greek yogurt, perhaps.

Or yogurt, depending on where you're from.

Cherries.

Cherries.

In Greek yogurt?

That's nice.

Chiobani.

Chovani to you.

Hey, well, and Chiobani to you.

Chiobani to us all this day.

I have nature's candy in my granula.

Oh, is it granola?

No, it's nature's candy.

How disgusting it is.

Major's candy.

I said to fruits, and you said no.

I said you fruit.

Tim Teeth the musical fruit.

Pull that tube out of your ass, by the way.

It was a gift.

What is this thing?

Give me a hint.

It's called what it eats.

You're starting to do what it is.

It's a grape.

It's not a grape.

You're starting to do what it is.

Beg.

What?

Beg.

Complain?

Complain is closer.

Whine?

You won't You won't let up on us.

The candy of the forest, of course, is what all those little things that fly around make.

Flies?

Not flies.

Hollies?

Flies don't make anything.

Bees?

Honey.

Honey badger.

Yes.

Why are you returning it?

Because of its broken toe.

No.

Its toes are fine.

Because of its broken toe.

Puritan x-rays.

Because it's.

Did you get a CT scan?

Because its fur is covered in goo.

No, it's not.

Gum.

I mean,

to be honest, there isn't a lot of fur.

Because you said what I could see of it.

So it's been shaved?

No, that's not.

No, it folds.

I mean, that's the problem.

Its hair is matted.

No.

It has a shell?

What?

I don't know.

That's something I'd wear turn it for.

It does not have a shell, honey.

What is it?

I have to sneeze.

Well, there isn't a lot of hair, unfortunately.

Because it's so old.

God bless you.

Thank you.

It's not big.

It's bald.

It's right.

It's so bald.

We thought you wanted it that way.

As bald as a pool cue?

Yeah.

As bald as a pool hall.

It's got the Larry David horseshoe.

It's as bald as a pool hall.

Okay.

I want to return it.

Okay.

How much did you pay for it?

Do you remember?

I got two cameos from you.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Ma'am.

I have to point to our sign.

No returns unless you're ready.

Well, no, you're starting from the middle.

The top is in this house in this house we say no to no returns and give them all day long i put a double negative in there did you do that oh no now we have to give her a return thank you sploosh so you split cameos here's your ten dollars back thanks i'm gone i did four cameos she's standing right here she just said she's gone i'm a ghost i took her at her word

say whatever you want about me i'm gone are you a ghost of a bird

i've jumped

I've jumped to the boat.

That bird was really,

really interesting.

You know what?

I'm inclined to agree.

I would love to talk to that bird again.

I wish the bird would come back.

I wish that.

I love the bird.

I love the bird.

What's in the bird?

What's in the bird?

Where is the bird?

The bird, you back!

I flew off.

Why did you return?

I'm flying off now.

But wait, don't you keep saying that she's leaving.

And she's clearly right here in front of us.

I just got hit by a cyber truck.

Have you never seen a car before?

Not driving.

The end.

The end.

Wonderful.

Two great little plays.

Really interesting.

Two great plays.

We should put them on their feet, get them up on a stage.

Yeah.

I'd love to recast.

If someone could transcribe that for you.

You're going to recast yourself or others?

All of us.

With big Hollywood stars.

I do think we need bigger names.

names.

I think we need to get on that.

Yeah, Daniel Radcliffe, yes, then the new kid, Radio Dancliffe, everyone who's ever played Harry Potter.

Yes,

local

on stage.

Wait, who did that?

Somebody did that in a movie where

I think it was a number of people who ever played James Bond, not James Bond, but I think Sherlock Holmes.

Oh,

no,

no.

Stop snapping at me.

No.

I think it was

in Strangers on a Train

that they had both played Robin Hood.

Whoa, Errol Flynn and who?

Not Errol Flynn.

Carrie Elwiz, Robert Walker, and the other guy.

Oh,

Kevin Costner.

I could be wrong.

Should I look that up?

Yeah, why not?

In any case,

we had a good time.

If you want to leave us a voicemail, we have been answering voicemails every episode, every other episode or so.

You can go to that famous website that is also a phone company, hagclaims8.com.

And you can leave us a voicemail and you can sign up for our special data plans there.

You need those.

And if you're not using them, you're wasting your money every month.

You're wasting your money because

we should be getting your money.

We need it.

We need it.

Okay.

And let's see.

And I wanted to say I have a show August 31st with Mary, which I've already promoted a couple of times.

But you can get your live live stream tickets or come see it in person.

25.

I have a show this Monday,

Live Scott Hasn't Seen, where we watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

It's Monday at Dynasty Typewriter at 7 p.m., I believe.

And I think there's still a couple of tickets on sale.

And so it's Sprague has not seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

We're going to watch the movie and talk about it, along with several other surprises.

And then if you're reading The Astonishing Spider-Man, you saw what came out on this week's issue.

And there's there's uh one more uh next week

that's exciting

very exciting i'm paul and i i just want to say

you know

i'm happy to be here yeah i knew you were i i i i'm i'm i'm glad i'm alive i'm i'm also glad you're alive

I'm going to start up my cameo again.

I'll post on socials when I have done that.

And we're going to get that eye surgery.

Get ready.

Get ready to help Paul.

I'll never need glasses again.

And I won't get glaucoma.

That'll be really good.

Glaucoma.

I'm getting glaucoma.

Well, who is I being?

I don't know.

Burt Lancaster.

I don't know enough about Burt Lancaster to understand.

All right.

I know about the Riddler's impersonation of him.

Who played the Riddler again?

Frank Gorsham.

He did a Burt Lancaster impression that was really good.

When he was the Riddler?

Like the circa.

No, not when he was in the costume and everything, but he used to go on when he would do the Riddler, he was strictly the Riddler.

But when he would do impressions on TV, yes.

Strictly Dickley.

Fortune, by the way, is his name.

Burt Lancaster.

I'm going to look it up and we're going to hear a little bit of it as we go out.

Selectivision's remote pause control.

You can record and stop.

Illuminating Eliminating segments from up to 20 feet away.

Watch.

This is James Cagney.

You killed my rat, you dirty brother.

I never said,

you dirty rat.

Okay.

I can't find it.

Anyway,

thanks for listening.

You killed my rat, you dirty brother?

Is that what he said?

Yes, because

the typical hack line was, you dirty rat, you killed my brother.

Oh, you killed my rat, you dirty brother.

He's having a lot of fun.

Even James Cagney is like, fuck you.

Yeah.

Yep.

Even James Cagney is like...

And he never said that.

All right, we'll see you next time.

Bye.

Bye.

A 15-year-old girl who chewed through a rope to escape a serial killer.

I use my front teeth to saw on the rope in my mouth.

He's been convicted of murdering two young women, but suspected of many more.

Maybe there's another one in that area.

And now, new leads that could solve these cold cases.

They could be a victim that we have no idea he killed.

Stolen Voices of Dole Valley breaks the silence on August 19th.

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